#also that doing unethical things as a lawyer for money because i’m afraid of having to live with my mom again is not an excuse

[rebelbrat]

anyway my spiritual life has been just as wild as what’s been going on in the rpc. the tl;dr:

[anathemanonymous]

Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

[allenmendezsr]

Divorcing A Narcissist And Other Jerks

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/divorcing-a-narcissist-and-other-jerks/

Divorcing A Narcissist And Other Jerks

 Buy Now    

 Getting A Divorce?

Take Control.  Don’t Be Afraid To Find Out How To Survive A Divorce

(This divorce and this book is dedicated to my ex and his tax returns, his amended tax returns, the hidden invoices, the invisible invoices, the double set of books and the triple set and hiding it all until one day, he said, ‘I owe you a lot of money’ and walked off with it all.   Also dedicated to his Palo Alto attorney Jeffrey Kaufman who helped him hide it and told the pro tem, “Fraud is no big deal and we’re going to blame it on Ann.”

 But thanks to Judge Kathleen Lucero who didn’t believe either one of them, sanctioned them $10K for obstructionism and delay and ruled in my favor.  And to the CA 6th Dist Court of Appeals where, when they appealed,  told them, “go away, you harmed her, what do you think you have to complain about?”  And to PTH, who stayed with me, on a $1000 retainer for 2 years.  And to MC, an attorney who believed in me, believed mothers should not be hit over the head with a 2×4 and offered to loan me money.  I honor the ethics, compassion and intellect of people like yourselves.)

“Narcissistic Abuse in the Picture?   You Need Answers!”

Are you getting out of a bad marriage with a narcissist, sociopath,  abuser or control freak?  If so, I know you’ve had enough and you’re ready to get a divorce.

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…Here’s what everyone needs to know about divorce, but probably doesn’t.  Before you file for your divorce  – or even if you already have – STOP right now.

Listen to this free audio call on How Not To Pick A Divorce Attorney

https://www.divorceandlawyers.com/annondivorcelawyers.mp3

 and if you need more, this book is foundational – based on real life experience in a Silicon Valley divorce that ended with the author writing her own winning brief in the Court of Appeals. Narcissists take you far, but you can win. This is the story. Write your own ending to yours.

From: Ann Bradley

RE: Your Divorce

  A narcissist has a need to destroy to feel better. Many threaten: “I will grind you into the ground until you are gone.”  The narcissist cannot understand there is anything abnormal and evil in his actions.  The narcissist is aware only of his universe and his sense of entitlement overrides any pain he inflicts. Stealing doesn’t matter as long as he doesn’t get caught.  When caught, he does not apologize. Only by blaming and belittling can he feel good.  My divorce, the lawyers and the legal system are chronicled in DIVORCE: The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers, Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism

But what you have ahead of you is a long difficult road, that no one – male or female – is ever prepared for.

Why?

Because divorce is one of those things that most people assume they know how it works  – and what you should do  if you are in the middle of one.

But divorce is a secret club with many things you never heard about. And divorce lawyers have secrets they don’t want you to find out about.

Naivete in divorce is dangerous.  If you have a deceitful and uncooperative spouse, you need information, a roadmap and a plan. Otherwise you lose custody, money, and everything you’ve spent a lifetime building.

 Divorce attorneys use unethical and just plain wrong tactics to try to “win” the divorce. They throw out accusations and lies to defraud the court so they can get a win.

These are the types of people you’re going to have to deal with in your divorce, and if you’re not prepared you’re going to be in for a terrible ride.

Trust me, I’ve been through a horrific and downright awful experienceof my life in the form of divorce, and you need to listen to every word I’m about to say, here is…

How I Survived One Of The Most Difficult Ordeals Of My Life…A Divorce From A Narcissistic Husband And His Unethical Attorney

Divorce is always difficult for everyone involved, and its especially hard on the children if there are any.

If marriage is about love, divorce is about money, power, control, and the manipulation of an unethical legal system.

THE DIVORCE INDUSTRY

Divorce is a huge industry. This book explores the culture of divorce in a dysfunctional legal system and what this means to you. Divorcing a narcissist makes every problem worse. Although my husband had told me hid assets and I had the evidence, we ended up at trial. His lawyer was a typical “scorched earth policy” divorce attorney.  Dirty tactics in divorce? You bet.  

For most people divorce is one of the only times they’ve probably ever had to stand up for themselves in life, and many are unprepared. But many men fall into that category too. Divorce is for the lawyers…everyone pays.

I was no different.

My ex-husband was probably one of the most difficult people to deal with in divorce, period. This man was a complete narcissist and helped by a greedy attorney.

SURVIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL DIVORCE! Many women from this generation are socialized to be “nice”. Part of this socialization process means that you trust what people tell you, look out for others before yourself, and give when asked.

Are you vulnerable to lies? Do you know what tactics lawyers use? Do you know what the “mommy tax” is? Is your divorce high conflict or stalking through the legal system? Why do narcissists keep on fighting? 

Why did a Professor of Psychology write a book called ‘Whores of The Court’ and what does this have to do with your divorce?

I was ripe for attack in the divorce process. Put this together with a narcissist and his narcissistic lawyer and the war was on.  I survived by wearing a metaphorical badge called “Target”. I wore this to remind myself I really was targeted and not insane.  

He made my life a complete living hell for over four years as we went through a complicated mess of a divorce, most of it spurred on by his lawyer.

I nearly lost everything, including my financial well-being, my health, and my love of life.

I was sick, my son got sick too, and we were both victims of a sick and dysfunctional system where corruption, greed, and money override everything.

From hiding large amounts of income, to withholding child support payments, to trying to “starve me out” so he and his attorney could get us to settle, my ex-husband did everything he could to make the divorce a nightmare. He even took me to the Court of Appeals.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want you to know that I’ve been where you’re about to go.

I’ve traveled the same road, and trust me its full of turmoil, conflict, lies, deception, and even worse. I just don’t want you to have to suffer the same way that I did.

If you know the man you’re about to divorce is going to make it tough, then you need to listen.

Because, I ‘ve taken my terrible experience of divorce and turned it into a case study that will help you avoid the common pitfalls that will turn a peaceful split into a living hell.

After spending four years battling a corrupt lawyer hell bent on winning in a trial and an uncooperative husband who cared about no one but himself…I’ve created a resource for ANY ONE about to go through a divorce. Or in the middle of one. (It’s never too late. NEVER!)

DIVORCE: The Real Truths And Hidden Dangers Surviving Deception, Betrayal, and Narcissism

Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to divorce. This is about to be one of the most important events to ever take place in your life and you want to be prepared for it.

Information is power…having the right strategy and knowing what to expect can and will make your divorce go smoother and help you avoid some of the more hellish aspects of a difficult divorce.

In my book, “Divorce: The Real Truths And Hidden Dangers”, I not only reveal details of my horrible divorce, but I also give you real life tactics, tips, and techinques that you can use in your own divorce to be able to save yourself lots of heartache, headache, money, time, and most importantly, your sanity.

This Is The Book That Your Soon To Be Ex-Spouse And  Lawyers Don’t Want You To See!

Let me be more specific. Here’s a list of some of things you’ll discover once you get your hands on this book:

Why you should never announce your intentions for divorce, and what could happen if you did Why your divorce from a narcissistic spouse is really a war, and why you should never think that your spouse is going to be reasonable The shocking truth about your attorney exposed Why you should never believe a word an attorney says on the first consultation If your spouse is abusive here is the one thing you absolutely must have if you want to be able to get out safely The one thing you must have before you make any allegations during the divorce, and how to get it The male and female differences that matter in divorce and why you NEED to know them if you want to even stand a chance of winning The reason why, you as a spouse of a narcissist, is often disbelieved and thought to be lying, and what you can do about it What the lawyers in your divorce case know that you may not How even a conflict free divorce can become a battleground Why you MUST know the role of the attorneys in your divorce, they are NOT just a professional resource with no hidden agenda! The way divorce REALLY IS exposed and revealed Why hiring an attorney should NEVER be the first thing you do when getting a divorce, and what to do instead Why you should never EVER share an attorney with your narsassictic spouse How to use the dysfunctional legal system to your advantage and find case laws that will keep your husband and his attorney from harming you The only reason why your husband’s attorney would order him not to talk revealed What to do if your spouse is refusing to work with you The shocking truth about emotion in family court, and why your motherly instincts may actually do more harm in your case than good What to say to your children about the behavior of the other parent during the course of the divorce How one mistake from an attorney can spiral into a case so bleak and complex that you won’t be able to pay for anyone else to represent you The ugly side of the financial battle of divorce unveiled If you think you’re going to have a custody battle, here’s is the one thing YOU MUST do before you divorce even begins are you could lose your children! How to get the divorce you want on the terms you want How optimism in the midst of a stressful divorce from your spouse can keep you sane and grounded during one of the most taxing times of your life Why the real job your lawyer is trying to do is probably not what you hired him to do Whether or not you should mediate or litigate in your divorce, and how to choose which one to do Why nothing impacts the outcome of your divorce more than the attorney’s themselves How to choose the right attorney for your case Why a “fighter” attorney is really the worse person to hire for your case, and how he can quite literally make your life a living hell What you can do if your soon to be ex-husband is trying to starve you into a settlement Why you MUST always maintain control in your divorce, if you give up control to your attorney be prepared for a nightmare! The reason why financial planning must be done before and during the divorce proceedings, and NEVER after them The astonishing truth about family law judges and corruption in the court-room exposed A guide on what to expect if your divorce does go to trial so you can be prepared and not get taken by surprise

And much more!

 This is a powerful fact-filled resource on divorce. And don’t worry, I’m not going to charge you an arm and a leg for this information.

I need to get this into your hands as quickly as possible so you can avoid all of the pain and frustration that comes along with going through a difficult divorce.

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  “Thanks for publishing this…”

Prepare for the lies. Have an answer. Be bold. You may have the truth on your side, but your spouse has no empathy and will destroy you with lies. Find a way to get the truth out that will show the lies up. There is always a lie you can build on. Take his lie and show how it leads to another and another.

I think its plain to see that my book can help you get all of the information you need to tip the scales in your favor in your divorce. And at only 77 pages it can be read in one short sitting. This isn’t a text-book.

As I share my own story with you, you’ll be empowered with all of the information you need to be able to get out of this terrible situation in your life.

Don’t Go Crazy

How much is your sanity worth?  What about your health?  What about your children if you have them? Don’t  sacrifice their well-being during a lengthy and hellish divorce?

This is a one time payment of only $29.95  – I wish I knew what I have in this book for you – I mean that. I was so naive and so many are – I know they come to me for consultations when it is very late in the game.

  “The Information In This Book Is So Valuable…”

Come

behind the scenes of a divorce and watch a dysfunctional legal system at its worst. Then, see what alternatives exist and how to find out what is right for you.

Order today and really learn the truth behind divorce so you won’t be taken for surprise.

If you don’t know what you’re doing you could end up spending tens of thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees. You could get cheated out of thousands of dollars owed you for staying married to that narcissist for so long.

Narcissists can be so destructive to a peaceful life. Be prepared.

Your life could become a nightmare,. I know, because for several years mine was. But I interviewed lawyers, friends of the judge and got inside the legal system to give you the advantage I didn’t have. And by the way – I won my case. At trial and on appeal.

So avoid all of that now. You don’t have to go down that road if you don’t want to. Here is your opportunity to get the tools you need to successfully divorce your husband and get everything you deserve.

And I’m so confident that the techniques and strategies that I reveal in my book are going to work for you, I’m going to remove every single bit of risk from this transaction.

Your order today is completely covered by…

My 100% Risk Free Unconditional Money Back Guarantee

Look, I’m completely confident that “Divorce:

Real Truths And Hidden Dangers” is the resource you need to get what YOU deserve out of your divorce, and still be able to avoid the pitfalls that can make it a nightmare.

In fact, I’m so confident that it will work for you, that I’m prepared to let you try it risk free for an entire 30 days.

That way, you get peace of mind, and I do too.

You see, I don’t have to worry that you’re unhappy with your purchase at all, because if you decide that “Divorce: Real Truths And Hidden Dangers” is not for you, then you can get a full refund at any time during the next 30 days.

Read the book, and put some of my tactics, tips, and techniques to work in your divorce. And if you don’t get the results you’re looking for, just contact me right away.

And I’ll refund every dime of your money. No questions asked.

I want to make it clear to you that this is a completely no-risk purchase.

You Have Absolutely Nothing To Lose And Only The Information You Need To Have The Divorce Go Your Way To Gain!

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 Immediate download.  PDF format.  Works on any computer.

Remember, these are not theoretical divorce tips that were pulled out of some book somewhere. I’ve been through the ringer with divorce, and now you don’t have to.

Whatever your decision is, I wish you best of luck in whatever you do in life.

-Ann Bradley

P.S.

You don’t have to go through the pain and frustration of a hellish divorce. Now is your chance to get the information you need to avoid the sandtraps and pitfalls that are out there waiting for you. The only thing standing between you and a successful split from your spouse is action, so take  action and get your hands on my book now!

P.P.S

And remember, even if you’re not sure that this book is going to work for you, you don’t have to decide right now. Order it right now, and try it out for a full 30 days before making your decision.

Technical help needed? annbradley@gmail.com

fences

[bynkii]

Of Christians and Corndogs

More adventures from what I am realizing is a really, really strange life.

Religion is funny sometimes. Not the beliefs behind it, but the thing itself. Especially if you aren’t a part of one, but just looking in from the outside. Y’all, some of yo’ shit is odd. Like the whole “recruiting new believers things”. I know why you do it, and it makes sense, but sometimes it leads you to do some damned silly things. Like get scammed by a 9-year-old.

This will amaze the youngin’s out there, but back in the mid-to-late-1970s, Miami, especially out around Bird Road and SW112th avenue, was a really different place. Really redneck-y. I lived in an apartment complex in the area, and was, in a land of Baptists, son to lapsed Catholics. My parents had both been educated in Catholic schools in the 1930s. They had the scars on their knuckles to prove it.

So, we didn’t go to church on Sundays, and for most of my short life up to that point, all 8 or 9 years of it, this wasn’t a big deal. But in this apartment complex, church, and sunday school was a big deal. Every sunday, three different school buses would pull in, from three separate sunday schools, and every kid, but one, would get on one of them and disappear for hours. Here I am, the little heathen child home alone every Sunday, with nothing to do until everyone got back around oh…2pm?

I’m kind of surprised no one tried to run an exorcism on me. For the Catholic thing and well, a lot of other reasons. I was not a calm child.

To say I found Sunday mornings boring as hell was a severe understatement. So one day, after a bit of whining, my parents consented to let me get all dressed up and go to Sunday School. My mom later told me it wasn’t real hard to convince them.

It was either that, or listen to you lose your mind after six bowls of sugar-covered Capt. Crunch and complain you were bored. We would have let you go to Satan School if it meant piece and quiet on a Sunday morning. Charles Manson could have invited you over, we would have been fine with that. You were kind of annoying at that age.

She wasn’t kidding. Looking back, the fact they didn’t sell me to be used as a test animal by unethical scientists is pretty amazing. Especially after I took apart the grandfather clock.

So the next Sunday, I’m all dressed up, I’m going to go to Sunday School. This will be awesome. Well, at least it won’t be boring. Keep in mind, I’m a child of lapsed Catholics from Chicago. I was beyond ignorant of what 1970s Southern Baptist Sunday School was. I was so not prepared. No one is. (If you aren’t Baptist, on YouTube, search for “Estus Pirkle” to get an idea about it. You won’t regret it. Once you get past the name.)

It was okay enough. Seemed a little loud, but whatever. It’s definitely entertaining. Lots of “praise Jesus”. (Also, a lot of Satan. Which was weird, at the time, Catholics kind of ignored him other than You Don’t Want To Meet Him.) Okay, I’m good with that, I read some of the New Testament, Jesus liked little kids and lambs. (Never quite understood the lamb thing. I’d seen lambs at a young age. They smelled and had freaky eyes. I agreed with my dad, they were much better as chops.)

Then we get to the “Where’s Jesus” part, aka “have you found the Lord?” So they’re talking about finding Jesus, finding God, which was a bit odd to me, as the minimal god-related education I had was pretty clear on the “God is everywhere and knows everything” bits. So I wasn’t sure how he could get lost. Or how you could lose him. I mean, he’s right there, no matter where “there” is. If you aren’t raised with it, a lot of religious stuff just doesn’t add up.

But then they say “if you find Jesus today, you get these school supplies and a free corndog.” I couldn’t have found Jesus with a Jesus-finding machine, and school supplies were only cool the last week of August, but you tell a nine-year-old me that if he finds Jesus, he gets FREE CORNDOGS…well HELL YEAH! I jumped up and said “I want to Find Jesus”. A lot of stuff I don’t remember other than it involved me saying “Amen” a LOT, and bang. Jesus found and on the bus ride home, I had a free corndog.

Keep in mind, three separate Sunday schools.

So I figure the next week, I’ll try another one. Maybe they gave you corndogs for finding Jesus too. Also, Jesus really needed God to hold his hand better, he got lost a lot.

Yep. If you find Jesus, you get school supplies and a free corndog. Done.

Next week, the third Sunday School. Corndog.

You know what else was weird? They all looked the same. Ugly 70s architecture and the “finding Jesus” room was that same generic conversation pit where we sat on the edges and the Pastor (? I’m not really sure. I assume it was, I mean, he was in charge of FINDING JESUS! One would assume you have to be a full Pastor to do that) in the middle. From the inside, you couldn’t have told them apart on a bet. Well, Baptists could have, but Baptists are kinda weird.

I might have been only nine, but I had a plan. (I probably also had an unhealthy obsession with corndogs. Nah. That’s like loving bacon too much.) I took a week off, because I realized that if I did so, and then started again, it’d have been a month since they last saw me, and they might have forgotten me. Especially if I dressed different.

Keep in mind that by the age of nine, I’d lost one bike because I was at the library and forgot I had one. Didn’t realize it until the next day. I was regularly quite the bubblehead. But for corndogs, I turn into Lex Freakin’ Luthor, MASTER CRIMINAL PLANNER!

This goes on for months. More than one, probably less than 4. I don’t really wonder at how cynical this all is, because it seems to make everyone happy. They’re happy, because the little yankee heathen has found Jesus, and I’m happy, because FREE CORNDOGS!!!!!

I still wonder about this, and how much was not recognizing me, and how much was just blind happiness at catching another one. I mean, it kind of seems like Pokemon, but they’re all “AnnoyingKidASaur” and they all look exactly alike. After a while, all you care about is having more occupied Pokeballs, because the tenants are just numbers. But I’m also more cynical now, and that’s probably affecting my memory. Also, that would be the worst Pokemon ever. I bet not even Brock would keep that one.

I probably would have set shit on fire for corndogs at that age. Just pointing out that morals are quickly set aside for the proper reward, and at that age, corndogs uber alles.

But eventually, my dad realizes:

I have a phenomenal collection of schools supplies, and I was never that studious.

I am always walking in the door eating a corndog, and he knows I’m not getting money ahead of time.

So he and my mom ask me what’s going on, and as it didn’t occur to me that I was doing anything wrong, I tell them. It didn’t occur to me to lie, because I honestly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. Also, I was a shit liar, my mom worked with lawyers and my dad had been a POW Interrogator in the Korean War. Truth was my only real option.

So…you go to all these different sunday schools, find Jesus, and they give you corndogs.

Uh-huh.

Do they ever ask you if you’ve found Jesus before?

No.

So you aren’t lying. You’re just “finding” Jesus over and over, and they give you corndogs.

YES!

…

…

At this point, my mom is literally howling with laughter. Stamping her feet and everything. Tears, barely able to breathe. She has to run to the bathroom so she can pee, that’s how hard she’s laughing. She thinks her son manipulating the Baptists is the best thing ever. (For those of you who think this odd behavior for a mother, keep in mind, the first dirty joke I ever heard an adult tell was told to me by her. “What’s worst than necking with Dracula? Getting fingered by Capt. Hook.” I think my mom lived for that look on people’s faces. Like with the boob sticker incident.)

My dad however, was less sanguine.

Okay Cub, you have to stop.

BUT!! BUT!!!

No. you have to stop. I’m actually afraid that you’re going to go to hell for manipulating the Baptists that much. I’m not mad, you’re not in trouble, and I’m kind of impressed that you figured this out on your own, but what little part of being Catholic remains in me is very worried that you’re going to go to hell. Or lead a cult. Either way, you have to stop.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CORNDOGS!!!!” (This was my real worry here)

My mom at this point is also upset. “BUT WHAT ABOUT MY QUIET SUNDAY MORNINGS!!!”

Sigh..*fine*, we’ll get you a corndog on Sunday.

YAAAAAY

There is some irony in the voice of “reason” being the guy who was a POW interrogator and the guy who instead of knocking over outhouses in 1930s and 40s rural Illinois was the guy who, along with his friends, would move the outhouses so the guys running at them to knock them over would fall in the pit. Also, my mom thought this was a crap deal, because it did nothing for her quiet Sunday mornings.

I think it was that which started me down the path of becoming so areligious. And a bit of a misanthrope. Because things like that make you realize that at least in groups, people can be dumb.

The sad thing was: even though my parents bought me corndogs, the ones I got for finding Jesus tasted better. Scam adds spice I suppose.

[mystory-is]

I'm kind of scared of letting you read this because I don't know how you'll react or what you'll think, but that's the thing. I should be able to say what I feel without being afraid that you will judge, hate, or leave me.

Most of the time, I brush off what you say, and I forget the words and actions that hurt me so much just a few hours ago. Remember, in the beginning, when you said you couldn’t be angry with me? I’ve been like that for 4 years.

If I ever bring you up in conversation, it’s usually to compliment you and point out your strengths. But, you seem to bring me up only when you have something bad to say. 

You are extremely quick to assume and judge me. You are quick to say things to me that you know will hurt me. You are quick to point out my weaknesses and flaws, and you like to rub them in my face till you have nothing left to say. 

Also, you are definitely not the best friend you once were. You used to listen to me vent and talk, but barely anymore. You get bored and tired of listening in general. I can’t ever turn to you when I need support. You are basically not a source of support for me although you should be one of my, if not the most, strongest supports. 

I have felt so many times that I’m worthless and that I deserve all your shit. 

You think you’re so mature, polite, generous, kind, etc. Yes, you are all of that, but only to strangers. You are incredibly rude, cocky, self centered, and self righteous. That last one. That might be the worst one. You believe what you think is always right, that what you know is always right, that what you want is more important than what others may want, etc. It’s very frustrating when I talk to you sometimes because you are stubborn as hell, and are adamant that everything I say is “bullshit”. 

Now, to explain to you the reality of how society and the world works:

In regards to our past job that we both left: Note: I will refer to boss as K and assistant as V.

1. Main reason I left is because K tried to ruin our relationship by creating false allegations about you, and because she tried to “scare” me into thinking that she had control over me by, again, making up a story about how a criminal lawyer was angry (and therefore might take action) that I had done something wrong (which K actually directed me to do).

2. From the very beginning, starting with the interview, K lied to me. She told me lies about the job, about how many people were already working there, about who I would be working with, etc. She also had a habit of talking about things in an exaggerated or dishonest way.

3. Although she lied all the time, I didn’t actually realize that she was lying to me. And, even when I did realize she was lying, I was so “brainwashed” that I didn’t care that she had deceived me all that time. 

4. What I mean by brainwashing: Starting in the interview, K had only amazing things to say about me. She complimented me excessively, and made me feel valuable and desirable to her workplace. Even throughout the time I worked there, she was always praising me, telling me I was a perfect fit for this job, she tried to help me get a higher license, took me out to eat (where she would literally tell me that she was bribing me to become her business partner instead of becoming a counselor), etc. Since I have had low self-esteem and have always undervalued myself, I became entranced by her positive nature towards me. I gave her all my trust and really looked up to her. Even though I logically saw many things that were wrong along the way, I ignored everything because I held her to such a high standard.

5. Towards the end of my time there, K realized that she wasn’t fully in control of me as she had hoped. She realized that I would rather be with you and listen to you than do what she told me to do, which was to break up with you and focus solely on this job (to become a powerful woman with lots of money - what K said, not me). She realized that I didn’t believe the shit story she told me about how you were “cheating” on me, and was being unethical and unprofessional at your work setting. Right after this incident (my talk with K) happened, I told her I needed that week off to sort out my thoughts and feelings surrounding everything that happened (our fight, and K lying to me deliberately in the hopes that I would break up with you). Even then, she texted me saying, “You’re a strong woman”. She was constantly and always emphasizing that I could be independent, that I don’t need you, and that I should be her business partner to become rich like her. She’s right about one thing: I don’t need you. But, I also told her this: I want you. 

6. As time went on, she realized we were together (She realized because I called her on a Friday about us working together on Saturday since we could keep it professional), and she knew that I didn’t believe her bullshit story. She started acting awkward and distant. She knew that I had caught her in a lie. She started responding less every day to texts and phone calls, and she kept saying she was busy, when in the past, she almost always had time to talk to me. 

7. After that, she came up with another bullshit story about how a client’s mom was angry at me because I had made her change her schedule a few times. 

This is what happened: One day, it was raining like fuck, like literally all of my clothes and shoes would have been soaked and dripping with water. I know this because my mom went out before me, and she was soaked from being out for a few seconds. I wasn’t going to go to leave my house like that at around 8:50am, and go on to my three sessions, and come home at around 8PM with wet/damp clothes, socks, and shoes. I messaged the mom that I couldn’t make it today because of all the rain. She said that was fine. About ten minutes later, the rain subsided a little. I decided I should just go (and have my mom drive me since I would be late), so I texted the mom again and said that I would actually go. She said okay again. I got there 15 minutes later than my usual time. 

Now on to why she was angry with me. She told K that since I told her that I can’t go, but then said I could go after several minutes, and then arrived late, she couldn’t leave the house until I came. BULLSHIT. She was NEVER there when I went to the house - even when I was 15 minutes early at times. Also, grandma and/or grandpa is ALWAYS home. Of all days, K is saying that mom allegedly said that she had to wait at home until I came. Well, when I got there that day, she wasn’t even there. So, again, I call bullshit. 

So, here is the funnier part: K says that I couldn’t have been that late, and takes out my session notes (which I gave her a couple of days ago at that point). She sees that the time is written as 45 minutes earlier than the time I had actually arrived that day, and according to her story, she quickly put it away and told mom that she had taken out someone else’s notes. Mhmmmmmm. Sure. 

At the RBT meeting, she tells me to stay behind and says in a dramatic ass voice and with a dramatic ass face that I fucked something up. Then, she tells me I wrote my session time incorrectly. She explains the story, and I tell her to show it to me because I don’t believe that I would have lied about my hours. Ah, to my disbelief, the time was, in fact, written horribly incorrectly. It should have said 0945 and not 0900. WTF??? I told her maybe I made a mistake, but I have no idea what could have happened. I’m a little red in the face at this point, and stuttering because I can’t find the right words to describe my shock. I say bye to her, but not in the most polite way because of all the shit that happened prior, and also because she didn’t invite ONLY YOU to the fucking meeting. 

You and I go to IHOP after the meeting, and it suddenly dawns on me that she had told me to write 0900 for all of that client’s sessions. Mind you, when she told me to lie about my hours, she also included a story about how she had to take a loan out for her PhD studies. Since she’s my boss, she’s older (cultural thing), she’s seemingly having financial troubles, and because I also know that 30 more minutes adds up over time ($), I comply. BIG MISTAKE. I call her straight away. No answer. I text her like three times reminding her of how she had told me to write 0900 and not 0930, and so that day, even though I got there 0945, I habitually wrote 0900 like she had told me to do. NO ANSWER. Actually, she never replied to me about that because either she thought I was stupid as fuck and completely wouldn’t remember that she had told me to write that, or SHE was stupid as fuck and forgot that she had to me to lie on my hours. 

Now is when I start freaking out because I realize I should have told her, nah, I’m gonna write my real hours, and because I suddenly remember that the client’s mom, who is apparently angry at me, is a criminal lawyer. 

By the way, that client’s mom abruptly ended all services at the end of August. K didn’t tell us what happened for a month because she said she didn’t know either. In September, after that RBT meeting, K told me the whole error in session note hours in a way that insinuated that the mom canceled services because she was angry that I had lied about my hours. Okay, so the mom canceled services at the end of August when she found out my hours were written falsely in September. Everything makes sense, huh. i still don’t know what the fucking truth is about whether the mom really was upset about anything, whether K showed mom my session notes and false hours, and if K was trying to scare me about committing insurance fraud.

8. After that Saturday that we worked together, I told her I would like to work with D again at the day care. She says that V will work, so I will work with A. I say okay. After that week, A’s schedule is changing and I can’t work with him anymore. I tell K I will work with D one more time on Saturday (which I’m still allowed to do since nobody wants to work there on Saturday), and then that’s it. K messages me to go back to D at the day care the following week, and I tell her I’d rather not work with him. I mean, wtf, you told me the prior week that I can’t work with him because V is. At this point, I feel annoyed by her fucking around with me. And, so after a few more days, I just message her that I’m done. She texts me back saying she’s sad because I was one of her favorite providers. Sure. And, she says that they’re a company now, and that we should talk. Okay? Obviously, at this point, she was shocked that I suddenly told her I was quitting, and she was trying to persuade me to stay by saying that she had a company and will probably be able to do W-2 or W-4, maybe give benefits, vacations, etc. But, she never reaches out to talk with me because now, she’s taken some time to think things over and realized that she doesn’t mind if I leave. I mean, I’m not under her control anymore like a brainwashed puppet, so I’m not as useful and valuable to her as I used to be. Apparently, according to what K told a teacher after she told her you and I quit on bad terms, she’s only going to hire non-Koreans from now on. Good luck with that. LOL

9. k constantly tried to devalue you. Yea, you fucked up a few times professionally. But, when you started actually working, you did a fucking fantastic job that I was actually embarrassed about my job performance. However, she kept saying “he’s okay” with this “meh” kind of face and tone of voice even though she said a few times that V said you were good. Honestly, V is pretty bad, so why K thinks V’s opinion matters is beyond me. She said at the RBT meeting that your client is normal, and not actually an ASD patient. There we go again, she was basically inferring that whatever improvements the client made was not from your efforts, but (she actually said this part) because he was normal, and was going to get better over time (in terms of his hyper behavior). K kept ignoring your text message that you needed more programs to do with your client, which btw is the main purpose for our sessions, but she never responded, and only on the last two days or so, she showed up at your sessions, and did some different programs with your client. You also told me that she was disruptive at times because she would keep talking to you (like about how she makes money off ebay) and not letting you work. I understand that part because there were plenty of times that she used to talk like crazy to me and not work when she came to my sessions, too.  

10. K told me that I was humble and seemed like I didn’t have much to offer when she first met me, but then she knew that I would have a tremendous amount to offer. She explained this in hand gesture, too, btw, by making a big circle with her hands. Then, she told me that YOU came in all cocky and like you have so much to offer, but in reality, you had so little to offer. Her words, not mine. She also said that you used harsh words with your client: “What’s wrong with you?” She said that those words and the way you said it were the true representation of who you really were. She said you were fake to people, and seem so nice, but in reality, you weren’t. (She’s kind of right though. You are fake as fuck.) But, I don’t agree when she says that you said those words rudely to your client. I actually questioned her on that the moment she brought it up. I asked her if maybe you said something a little different or if maybe those words were something that maybe you were saying to me on Saturday, but she said V heard you saying it at the day care, too. Btw, she said dad heard you saying that on the first Sat you were there, and THAT’S why he didn’t want you there. BUT, the funny thing is, the dad TOLD me why he didn’t like you: He admitted that he just hates guy’s voices, and it seemed that you were yelling out of anger to his son. I assured him that you actually liked your client very much, and that if you were yelling that day, it’s only because K and I kept telling you to speak much louder and firmly. And, I do NOT remember you saying those words, and even if you did, you would never have said it in a mean way because honestly, it was kind of gross, how gentle you were being with the kid. No wonder we kept telling you to basically yell, and wow, that was the reason the dad didn’t like you. It’s ironic, isn’t it?

Do you kind of get the big picture now? 

I shared some of what happened to me, and the other RBT shared some things, as well. Was my intention to talk shit? No. Of course, I did have to expose some of the shit that K and V did, but only because I needed some support, comfort, and perspective. I even told the RBT that I wasn’t trying to make K look like a bad person, but that I just feel tremendously disappointed and shocked at her and also myself that she deceived me and used me, and that I was brainwashed and manipulated by her. I only talked to her because in the very beginning, she said some things that I didn’t agree with at the time, but realized was true. She didn’t fall for K like I did. I feel bad for K. I’m not saying this in a mean way. I mean that she’s done wrong to me, but there must be something going on in her personal life or something that has happened in the past that has made her treat people this way. However, if this is the way she just is, that’s a reason to pity her, as well. Overall, I’m just kind of creeped out that I was manipulated for that whole time without realizing it, and she brainwashed me so well that I was completely on her side about everything, and looked up to her as a mentor.

Well, since you don’t have time or the heart to listen to me, I wrote this whole shit so maybe one day, you could read it, and see where I’m coming from instead of questioning my personality and judging me for gossiping.

P.S. My sister is getting married tomorrow. It’s a very big day. I’m a little envious and I feel worthless and sad that I’m still where I am right now. As my boyfriend, I wish you weren’t the one to remind me of how much of a failure I am, but would stand by my side and just enjoy a wedding and a celebration. I’m not sure why you, of all people, are the one to always bring me down, and make me feel worse than I already do. You have this pattern and habit of… avoiding things. You say you’re gonna break up with me basically every other time we have an argument or fight, and you’ve said a couple times already that you’re not gonna go to the wedding. It’s kind of disgusting the shit that you play. Just don’t come if you don’t want to. I’d rather not be in a bad mood at my sister’s wedding. Life is still a joke to you. You don’t say shit like, “I’m not going to the wedding” or “I’m not going to work” just because you’re pist off. I do question at times, when I’m actually clearheaded and not head over heels in love with you, if you are the one. I could forgive you a thousand times, and I could be hurt by the shit you say and do a thousand times. But, I’m sure one day, I might just want to run away from it all. I’m not sure if a boyfriend should be a person that I’m sometimes afraid of, that I can’t freely speak my mind to, and that makes me frequently feel worthless more than I feel loved.