#also speaking of eating disorder thing I want to start working out like that for that but like for me cause I feel bad but

[jellalism]

Kinktober 2024, Day 12: Consequence (Erotica)

You were caught by Noel, and now you have to suffer the consequences of your escape attempt. Sequel to Day 5: Sneak.

Word count: 2441 words

Genre: Erotica, horror

Reader’s gender and sex: gender neutral, but “boy/girl” used. Reader does not wear a bra.

Content warnings: Yandere and all that that entails, including sadism/torture, rape/dubcon, manipulation. DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT.

Notes: Noel is an OC of @devotion-disorder. The art in the banner is also by them!

Read below or on AO3.

“Go on. Walk. You know the way to the punishment room.” Noel gives you a push in the back, making you stumble forward, forcing you further up the stairs. “The more you dawdle, the worse it will be. Time’s ticking, honey.” The way he uses that term is nowhere near cute. It is possessive. He uses it specifically to remind you to who you belong. Anyone else who’d call you ‘honey’ would soon eat their words… or become unable to speak any word at all.

You obediently make your way upstairs. Your body already hurts. The blood drips from your nose into your mouth and down your chin. The way he has kicked you in the back and slammed his body into yours once you were on the ground makes you feel sore all over. But you know it’s going to get worse. I’d better obey him, you think. There’s no way out.

“See? You can obey me. If only you had done that earlier, we would not be in this sticky situation. But noooo, you just had to try to break out.” He smacks your ass hard, but your trousers take some of the impact. For now. “Now I have to punish you.”

You reach the top of the stairs and go right without a word. To the punishment room, right next to the bedroom. The activities done in one room may easily lead to the adjoining one.

“Stand there.” He points some distance away from the door. He fishes a key out of his pocket and opens the door. “After you.” He holds the door open for you. For just a second, you hesitate, but you know you have no choice. Any survival instincts kicking in must be repressed. You have to embrace the pain to survive, counter-intuitive though it is.

The room is filled with all kinds of devices to inflict pain. There’s different whips, pads, cuffs, and things you don’t even know the use of. ‘Punishment room’ is a euphemism; ‘torture chamber’ is more apt. In the middle, a wooden table stands.

“On it. On your back. I want to see your face.”

You do as he says. Noel roughly grabs your wrists and clicks them into the cuffs attached to the table. They’re above shoulder height, so they don’t twist your arms too badly. But that’s not the point of the cuffs, anyway. The point is not even to stop you from escaping—Noel is strong and fast enough to do that with his body. The point is simply to make you feel helpless. To be unable to reflexively lift your arms in self-defense, to be unable to have that basic biological function do its work, adds to the utter despair that he can arouse in you. That he will arouse in you.

He takes your ankles and cuffs them to the table, as well. Your legs are a little ways apart.

“Oh, it seems like you still have your clothes on. Totally forgot about that!” Noel says, clearly acting. You can’t see him from your position. “Guess we’ll have to rid you of them unconventionally.” And suddenly, he hangs over you, showing you a knife. It looks sharp as hell. Your breathing grows shallow. You hope he isn’t going to do what you think he will.

He moves to the side of the table and positions the knife at the neck of your shirt. Then he presses down. You feel it pressing into your skin. He takes your shirt and starts cutting. He doesn’t press the knife into your body every time. But every once in a while, you feel the sharp blade moving over your torso, opening it up, no doubt making you bleed.

“Noel, I’m afraid,” you mutter. You didn’t even think about the words; they just came out automatically. Strangely, sometimes you find that you want him to comfort you. He’s always there for you, after all. The only one who’s there. And sometimes, in your despair, you cry out for him.

“You’re afraid? As you should be.” He finishes cutting and tears the remainders of your shirt from your body. You feel the cloth covering your back slide out from under you. Your entire torso is now displayed to him. “Bad [boy/girl]s won’t get any comfort from me. You fucked around. Now it’s time to find out.”

He clenches his fist and smashes it into your stomach. Pain sears through you. You feel the bile rising in your throat, but swallow it down. Then you sputter and cough, and scream.

“See? No pity from me. It’s all your fault, you know? I can be nice. You know I can be nice. I love you, and I want nothing but the best for you. You know this.” He caresses your face with the knife, leaving a shallow cut on your left cheek. “That’s why I’m hurting you. It would be terrible for you and me both if you were to continue misbehaving. So I need to beat it out of you.”

“P-please,” you stammer in fear. You know it won’t do anything, but the words just spill from your mouth.

Noel ignores you. He moves to the back of the table, outside of your field of vision. “Time to get started on your trousers.” He sets the knife at the bottom, making a cut in the cloth near your right ankle. “Fuck it, I don’t have time for this.” You hear the sound of tearing cloth and feel cold air running up all over your leg. He does the same for your left leg: a small cut at the bottom, and rest is just one big tear. For the last part, near your waist, he takes out his knife again. He doesn’t hold back this time. He sets the knife in the cloth forcefully and cuts the last bit of cloth efficiently, without regard for your skin. You whimper and cry as the knife leaves a deep cut. You hear Noel chuckle.

He quickly removes the tatters of your trousers from your body. You’re only wearing your underwear now, though there’s not much left of it. But there’s still enough to conceal your most private parts.

“I’ll leave that on for now.”

You sigh in relief. A last shred of dignity can be retained. It is a tiny shred, but you have to take what you can get.

“Just kidding!” And he tears your underwear apart, exposing your genital area.

“Noel!” you cry out.

“What is it, baby?” He sounds cruel.

“Noel… please… I’m s-sorry. I’m so so sorry. I won’t do it again, I swear!” You’ve completely lost control of your mouth, rattling off apologies without even thinking about it.

He moves so that you can see him again. “No can do. I told you: if you are naughty, you will be punished. It’s not like I want to hurt you, but it’s necessary. You should never ever forget what happens when you break the rules. The consequences of that should be as dependable as gravity.” He says that, but you know better. He fucking loves to hurt you. Part of him is happy you broke the rules, so that he has a good excuse for fucking demolishing you. Knowing that only intensifies the fear.

“I’m sorry,” you sob, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, Noel moves back and rummages around. “Ah, got it!” He steps towards you to show you his find. A whip. But not just any whip: this one has spiky studs. “This will be a night to remember, y/n.”

“Please, for the love of God, Noel, stop!” Tears are streaming down your face; the terror he inspires in you is out of this world. “I beg of you!”

“Hmmm… should I stop?”

“Please, Noel! I’ll do anything for you! Please, just… don’t hurt me.” Something inside of you breaks, and you start sobbing even louder, making you unable to speak another word.

Noel just laughs. Suddenly, you feel a searing pain on your thighs, and you scream at the top of your lungs. As soon as you finish the scream, you gulp for air, but then the whip strikes again. Another scream escapes you; your entire world is pain. Somewhere in the back of your consciousness, you hear Noel complain giddily about how you make too much noise, but it doesn’t register. All you can do is sob and scream.

More lashings follow—you don’t even know how many, nor how long it lasts. Just that, at some point, the burning pain stops renewing itself. Suddenly, Noel’s face is right above yours; too close. “Now that’s what I like to see. You’ve learned your lesson now, right?”

You nod shakily, unable to do anything else. He could be asking you to sell your soul and you’d still nod; all you want is for the pain to end.

“Good, good.” He undoes the cuffs around your wrists and ankles. You feel his arms slide under you and, with a grunt, he lifts you up and walks out of the room. You both know you wouldn’t be able to walk by yourself. Still sobbing, you snuggle against him. God, how you missed him. This softer Noel. The one that would hold you in his arms.

He chuckles. “You’re such a good [boy/girl] now.”

A few moments later, he throws you on the bed. It doesn’t come as a surprise that he carried you to the bedroom. Noel is undressing hurriedly, unable to wait another moment.

“On your stomach. And place a pillow under yourself, so that your ass sticks out.”

You’re not sure if this is part of the punishment, or just ‘business as usual’. Things blend into each other. But at least, when he fucks you, he’s not as cruel as he is in that other room. So, for all intents and purposes, this is not punishment; this is a treat. Even though he’ll fuck on his own terms, as hard as he wants.

You obey him and, within seconds, you feel him take his place behind you. Two lubed up fingers massage the rim of your asshole. “You always make me so horny, you know? I love to see you happy, but God, your crying face just makes me want to fuck you so hard.” He slips in a finger and thrusts it in and out at a high pace. “I just can’t wait to fuck all those sweet moans out of you. It was so hard for me too, you know? To not thrust my cock inside you then and there.” Already, he adds a second finger. “You’re still tight, but I’ve waited so long, I can’t just…” He doesn’t finish his sentence.

You want to speak, but you’re still unable to, your body completely broken and shaking all over. Noel continues his preparation of your ass. After a little more than a minute, he thinks he has prepared you enough. You’re not quite so sure, but you don’t struggle. If he thinks it’s enough, it must be enough. What Noel says goes.

“Ready for my cock, love?” He is holding your waist as you feel the head of his penis stimulating the rim of your anus. He presses inside; his impatience in the preparation makes it a little tight still, but he enters. There’s pain, but compared to the pain elsewhere in your body, it’s negligible. He sighs deeply, contentedly. “So damn good.”

He changes his position to lay on top of you, covering your body with his. With one hand, he pins your right hand to the mattress; the other wraps under your left armpit and grabs you at the throat roughly. Your breathing becomes more labored as he constricts the air flow.

“You like that, huh? Being all mine. You don’t get to breathe unless I allow it, got that?” He starts moving his cock, thrusting in and out slowly. His member is rather thick, and it always takes a while for your hole to get used to it.

When you don’t reply, he shortly squeezes your throat hard before loosening his grip, leaving you gasping for air. “I said, did you get that?”

“Y-y-yes, Noel.” Your voice comes out as a wheeze.

“Good,” he coos. “That’s how I know my sweetheart.” He lets go of your throat and pins your other hand to the mattress, too. “I think you’re loosened up enough by now.”

It’s true; his cock is going in and out more easily than it was before.

“Let me paint your insides white.” With those words, he starts fucking you in earnest. Hard and deep; with each thrust you scream it out. “That’s it, y/n!” he moans in your ear. “Let it out. Let me hear how good you feel.”

And, despite everything, he was right: you did feel good. He had abused you, even tortured you. But that was the punishment, which was over now. So, surely, now you could enjoy yourself… right? It was hard to think straight around him. He didn’t allow you the space in your mind.

“How does it feel, baby?” Not having gotten his answer in words, his tone became more demanding. He accompanied it with a particularly hard thrust. The pain surged through you, but there was pleasure, too.

“Feels so good!” you mewled. “Noel… Noel…” You moan his name over and over, and he, with his mouth so close to your ear, whispers yours. You can feel his breath and hear every tiny sound he makes.

“See? If you behave, I’ll fuck you nicely. Isn’t it pleasant like this?”

“Yes, Noel.” You’re not even sure anymore if you mean what you say, or what the causal chain of events is. Did you agree with him because it is pleasant, or is it pleasant because you agreed with him?

“That’s a good [boy/girl].” His breathing grows more labored as he keeps penetrating you deeply. “I’m going to cum soon,” he whispers in your ear. “I’m gonna cum inside, and fill you up really good. You did so good bearing the punishment. You deserve it, you deserve my thick cock shooting it all inside you.” His voice grows more frenetic as he gets closer to ejaculation. He moans and groans and you feel his cock throbbing inside of you. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum. Fuuuuck.” With a final thrust, he shoots his load inside of you. He can’t help but twitch inside of you as he ejaculates. “God damn, you feel so good.”

You feel a warm feeling welling up inside you. It’s happiness. You feel happy you can please him.

You’ve truly become his bitch.

[cevansbrat0007]

Bad Days

Summary: Ari helps you get through a particularly bad day...

Warnings: Mature Themes, Insecure Reader, Ari Being A Menace, Discussions of Poor Body Image, Body Insecurities, Name Calling, Mentions of Disordered Eating, Clothed Male Nude Female (CMNF), Oral Sex (Fem Rec Implied), Ass Slapping, Spanking (mentioned), Pet Names, Cursing, Minors DNI

A/N: Part of my Sweet Renegades Series. Semi-proofread, not beta'd. All mistakes are my own. Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated. Thanks for reading!

“I don’t think I wanna do this.” You grumble as you walk into the living room. You lean down to hand your companion a glass of scotch, offering him a half smile when he gently takes it and places it on a nearby coffee table. “Seriously.”

Instead of responding, he simply pats his lap and waits. 

“Okay. How about we don’t need to do this?” You try again, hating how relaxed his big body seems while taking up way too much space on your couch. 

Ari shrugs then, catching his plump bottom lip between his perfect teeth and waits. He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t demand. Doesn’t boss. He just waits.

For you.

“It’s stupid.” Your voice comes out softer now, more delicate. “And it’s not like it's gonna change anything.” 

Your Bounty Hunter cocks his head to the side, one tawny brow raised as he patiently waits for you to continue cycling through your list of objections. 

“I just have bad days sometimes.” Hot tears prick the backs of your eyes. But even though you’re quick to blink them away, you’re not quite fast enough. 

Ari studies you for a moment, his piercing blue eyes making your nipples pebble beneath the thin material of your silk robe. It made it hard to remember that you were technically in trouble. Which meant that was was about to happen could technically be construed as a punishment. 

“Then why don’t you be my good little Bird and have a seat, hm?” Your man’s deep voice comes out thick and rough. And while you have a feeling that he wants to make you obey, you know he also wants you to come to him on your own.

“Can the robe stay on, maybe?” You ask, your freshly polished toes digging into the short, plush carpet. “What if I get cold? Or–”

“You won’t.” He softly interjects, widening his jean-covered thighs just a little. Because although you didn’t know this, he’d already made a couple quick adjustments to the thermostat just in case. The last thing your man wanted to do was make you uncomfortable – at least not like that.

And then he holds out his hand for your robe. You stand there glaring at him, the two of you engaged in a silent battle of wills. He wins, of course. But only because you have nothing to throw at him. 

Except for your goddamned robe, which the smug bastard manages to catch midair. 

Ari tosses it to the other side of the couch before returning his attention to you. He’s pleased when you take a tentative step toward him, followed by another. And then another. The next thing you know, you’re slowly easing your nude body onto his lap…

And into his waiting arms. 

Immediately he wraps them around you, drawing you closer to his hard, muscled body. It never fails to make you feel soft and feminine – even when your mind was busy screaming at you that you were anything but. 

Today you felt dumpy, fat, and unattractive. 

But then here was this handsome man, holding onto you as if you were the most precious thing in the world to him. It was enough to make you start crying all over again. Just like you had this earlier morning.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, swallowing the lump in your throat as you work to speak.

“I gotta be honest with you, baby.” Ari murmurs after a few minutes, his warm lips skimming over your brow. “I didn’t like what I heard come outta that pretty mouth this morning. Especially didn’t like it when you called yourself a pig.”

“Why?” You choke out a wet laugh. “Would you rather I have compared myself to some other barnyard animal?”

You’re rewarded for your snark with a sharp slap to your left flank, which suddenly has you burying your face in the crook of his neck. 

Oops. Guess that wasn’t the response he was looking for.

“No.” He grunts as you feel his fingers dig into the tender flesh of your thighs. You had no doubt that you’d be sporting a delicious set of fresh bruises on your skin by tomorrow morning. 

“Oh.” Whimpering softly, you wrap your arms around his neck as you try to ignore the way his possessive, proprietary touch makes your body flare to life.    

“I wanna know why you felt the need to make the comment at all. Regardless of whether you knew I was listening or not.”

And there was the rub. You hadn’t expected him to come during your meltdown, let alone actually hear you berating yourself to the degree that you had been. Had you known you’d had an audience you would’ve at least had the sense to lock yourself in the bathroom or something, but instead you’d just had to cry your heart out in the middle of your bedroom floor. 

You must’ve looked so pathetic to him in that moment.

“Stop.” Ari commands, the single word spoken like a heated caress against your ear. “Whatever mean thought you’re thinkin’, I’m tellin’ you to knock it off right now.”

“H–how?” Your question comes out muffled thanks to the fact that your face is still hidden in his neck. 

“You have a tendency to tense up whenever you’re being unkind to yourself, sweet girl.” He replies with a shrug before forcing you to pull away from him so that he can look into your eyes. 

“I–I do?” No one had ever thought to share that with you before.

“Yep. Sure do.” He pinches your nipple as his gaze briefly drops to your bare cunt. “As your man, it’s my job to notice these things. Even when all I wanna do is bury my fingers knuckle-deep inside that tight little pussy until you’re drippin' and speaking in tongues, this shit comes first.”

Your hips jerk of their own volition when Ari reaches down to tenderly cup your sensitive core, massaging your damp flesh. Instantly you feel your slick honey coating his palm, making your cheeks heat. 

It didn’t help that you always seemed to end up naked around this man while he stayed fully clothed. In the past you’d only read about that kind of power dynamic. But these days you were beginning to enjoy it. 

“So tell me what has my woman being so hard on herself today? Be honest, now.” He presses as his fingers go trail their way along your belly, an action that has you immediately sucking in your stomach.

“Can we please turn off the lights?” You ask, feeling somehow both shy and stubborn at the same time. “At least some of them?”

“No.” He hisses back, not to be outdone. “You’re too beautiful not to look at, Bird. I might as well be a moth drawn to your flame, that’s how much hope there is for me these days.” 

“But I hate my belly. It’s so…soft.” You tell him, finally willing to admit defeat. “And I pulled all these sweaters out of storage today – from my thinspiration pile – and they fit even worse than they did then when I first bought them.”   

Your Bounty Hunter stares down at you for a moment, his brow furrowed in confusion.

“Thinspiration?” 

“Yeah.” You hiccup, appreciating when he offers you a sip of his scotch, even when it makes you cough. “It’s like when you buy a shirt or a dress – or in my case a bunch of sweaters – that are too small for you so you can use them as inspiration to…you know…finally drop the weight.”

“Oh, Jesus H. Fucking Christ.” He snarls under his breath before taking a deep pull of his drink. “That’s what all this was about?”

Sheepishly you nod, as if finally realizing just how ridiculous you sounded. But at the time all of it had made perfect sense. “I figured it might help keep me from eating…too much.”

“Sweetheart…” His deep voice rumbles low in his chest as he polishes off what’s left of his scotch. “Fuck those sweaters, fuck the jeans, and whatever the fuck else is in that stupid fucking thinspiration box, or bag, or whatever. I mean it.”

One of Ari’s big hands reaches out to take hold of your chin, making it damn near impossible to look away from him. 

“You and me are gonna get rid of that box.”

“But, Beast –” 

“No.” His grip tightens ever so slightly. “That’s not good for you, baby. It never was. And I don’t ever want to hear you disrespecting yourself like that again. I really don’t. Broke my fucking heart.” Ari leans in to brush his mouth over yours, his free hand taking every advantage to stroke and caress its way along your body. “And it really pissed me the fuck off.”

“I’m sorry.” You mumble as fresh tears spill over onto your cheeks. “I–I’ll try to work on it.”

“These curves of yours are a gift from God, you hear me?” He muses as kisses away a tear. “Or the Devil himself. Depends on who you’re asking I suppose. There’s nothing I love more than watching those hips sway in one of your pretty sundresses, or seeing that luscious ass bounce every time I spank it.”

“You do seem to have a hard time keeping your hands to yourself, Sir.” You respond playfully through a watery grin. 

“Mmhm. The only thing better is when you’re busy holdin’ me hostage.” Ari flips your positions so that he’s on top of you know, effectively pinning you against the couch so that he can grind his denim-covered erection against your damp folds. “Keepin’ me trapped as your love slave while I work my ass off to satisfy that greedy pussy long until we both pass out”

“Hey…” You pout, shivering when he nips at your bottom lip. He tugs it into his mouth, sucking hard before releasing it with a soft pop. “I thought you liked the job.” You press your hands against either side of his bearded face, pulling him down for a proper kiss. 

“Oh, I love the job. Gorgeous girl. Great pay, benefits.” He nuzzles a path of hot, wet kisses along the column of your throat, loving how it makes you giggle. “All the pussy I can eat.”

“Wow.” You breathe, torn somewhere between lust and humor. 

“But in all seriousness, Bird, the only thing I ever want is to see you happy. Keeping that box, holding on to whatever the fuck that was supposed be…” You press a finger to his lips, pausing him mid-sentence.   

“I don’t want to just throw them away. I mean, they’ve still got the tags on them and everything. But there is a women’s shelter in the next county. Do you think maybe we could..?”

Ari nods once, giving you a warm smile as he does. Knowing that you’d managed to please him has a fresh wave of slickness coating your already slippery thighs.

“As long as you agree to let me keep you naked and stuffed full of my cock for the rest of the weekend, we can do whatever the fuck you want.” He hitches one of your legs over his shoulder, dragging his tongue along the soft skin of your calf. “And since you seemed to listen so well, I suggest you lay back and relax, because, baby…”

“We both just earned ourselves a treat.”

END

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[unknownfortuna]

Your Mom

The moon represents many things in our life- including how we viewed our mom. Below is a list of both evolved and unevolved traits you've seen in the relationship with your mom (or whoever you considered as your mom:)

*If you have this sign in the 4th house these traits may apply as well*

Aries Moon- You seen your mom as a hothead. She could've had a reason to fight (or not) but either way everyone knew how she felt.. which was usually anger first. She was a leader and pioneer in her family. The first to do things like starting a family or challenging views on how women 'should' act. She may have been incredibly athletic or just had an explosive energy and confidence about her. At times you may have felt like you were siblings due to her childlike way of acting out her emotions. As she ages, the fire she carries within her only seems to shine brighter when compared to people to her age group.

Taurus Moon- Material possessions, your appearance, status, and the things you need to be stable were a huge part of your conversations. It may have felt like your mom would put these things before you. An unevolved manifestation of this would be having to go without certain necessities (like a new pair of shoes) at the cost of her wanting something for herself that would bring more stability/status (vacation, car, house). Overall, you were taught the necessities in life and how to acquire them- through slow and steady work.

Gemini Moon- The gift of gab. Knowing when to speak, how to speak, and who to speak to were lessons taught. She was incredibly witty and knew how to steal an audience. Unfortunately, conversations may have felt superficial and a bit lighthearted. It may also be hard to navigate certain conversations. Any conversation can be started but it may not go the way you would like. This may have caused you to realize your emotional wellbeing is something you had to navigate by yourself in private. There may be a delay in your decision-making skills and ability to commit to things because of this.

Cancer moon- The nurturer and the protector were two roles your mom played. You may have felt as if her emotions were something that dictated the way she moved when it came to her decision making. I would also argue that it may have been hard to hide things from her. Cancer is at home in this planet and whether it came in a feeling or a certain look you gave her- the slight inflection in your voice- she knew. Family is incredibly important to her and just like the hearth of the home, your mom is the center of the family.

Leo Moon- Your mom was always in the center of everything. A negative manifestation of this could be never feeling like anything in your life was truly private. Somehow details would be leaked, and you realized it was because of your mom. Having fun and somehow feeling like adventures with her was never ending that you became a huge adult child that continues to express yourself unapologetically is another trait. You understand how to enjoy life and express yourself in some artistic way....Mostly through your clothes and hairstyle.

Virgo Moon- You have stomach issues like your mom. Dieting, health, paranoid convos ('You're in the prime age group for kidnappings!') are normal topics you discuss. She may have been a health nut and caused you to go through an accidental eating disorder or two. Overall, the conversations had to do with routine/ health and how you could improve in some way. Also being overly critical of each other and those around you was a bonding activity:)

Libra moon- You were taught how to negotiate, be the perfect child/person, and charm your way in an ugly situation. I feel like I have seen many libra moon children view their mom as two faced. She had one mask for her home and another for the public. You could never put your finger on why you thought she was fake or why the perception of another person talking about her was so off but there you go. Passive aggressiveness is an unevolved trait with a libra moon but this was a normal form of communication with your mom! it didn't have to be a screaming match in order to understand when your mom was voicing her disapproval... You can read between the lines.

Scorpio moon- Control and power plays. Whether it was because your mom viewed you as something she always wanted or you were her last shot at molding a child into what she wanted, you always felt like she wanted to control you more than she wanted to listen to you. She talked at you and planned things out without your knowledge. Secrets behind who your mom is will constantly reveal themselves to you. There is an intense bond between the two of you that you may never be able to explain to others. Female rage is something you have seen play out by your mom many times. At times it may seem like you only know her true dark side.

Sagittarius Moon- Your connection with your mom can feel almost spiritual. Sometimes you may feel as if you were placed in this world to guide her more than she may guide you. You are a bundle of joy and may have been seen as a jokester to her. An unevolved trait could be your mom not exercising her intellectual capabilities or misusing them for a life of leisure instead. This could also hint at you not being too close with her due to her constantly traveling and leaving you in someone's care or circumstances out of her control which separated the two of you.

Capricorn moon- Your mom may have been seen as an authority figure in your life. Life is hard/unfair the best you can do is learn how to remain calm and collected when things are falling apart. It seems like a huge reason for your mom seeming to be 'cold' is because your father figure was the opposite- a disciplinarian turned temperamental man. With time you start to see your mom more as a human rather than this authority figure who expects you to take on the responsibilities life gives...Whether or not you asked for them. Independence is learned, not taught however, your mistakes will be focused on more than your successes.

Aquarius moon- You could have felt like your mom was a bit odd. She was disciplined about certain things that didn't seem to matter but oddly lenient about others. It felt like the 'rules' were not clear and it got to a point where you started doing your own thing, after all, if you're going to be painted as a rebellious child, why not fit that? Communication through technology could be something used when it comes to your mom. Perhaps she was physically distant from you at times and this was how you continued to keep in touch. She has her own hobbies as well as a taste for the eclectic. While her hobbies may stay in the same realm she just....gets weirder as she ages.

Pisces Moon- The intuition you have of your mom and vice versa is something that is truly divine. You feel her emotions as if they were your own. Your feelings tend to be enmeshed and it's hard to figure out where you truly stand when near her. She could also deal with substance abuse (usually drinking)...Or just running away when problems arise. You may view her as someone who has a tendency to stay the victim of circumstances when the reality is...She's doing it to herself. She could also be lover of art (especially music/poetry). As much as she tries to help others, sometimes you may wish she would help herself first.

'Let divine order pick the perfect place that's meant to be mine. Bring the home that's right for me.'

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[tootoomanycats]

Boiling Over

Suguru Geto x Personal Chef Smut

Pairing:

Pent Up Geto Cult Leader x OC Fem

(can also be read as reader insert)

Word Count: 3,576 words

Summary: Geto realizes that his new cook has started to put disgusting notions into his daughters heads. After tucking the girls to bed, he finds holding the lid on his anger challenging and complex. It is time to have a talk with this vile monkey; only things don’t go according to plan.

Warnings:

Language usage refers to non-sorcery users such as monkeys and animals and uses verbiage degrading non-users' ideology. (It's Geto; I am only trying to stick to how I think he would internally speak about us muggle folk.)

Enemies arguing to unexpected smut.

Mentions of premature ejaculation. (we make sure he knows he’s still wanted)

Minor mention of a potential eating disorder for Geto.

Author Notes:

Hello Everyone! I promise I am still working on rewriting Performances, but I had to stop because my brain would not let me get any sleep until I got this little one-shot out and edited. I never planned on writing any JJK content, but this is my lesson in never saying never. Honestly, I don't know if this will be a stand-alone one-shot or if it will develop into a short story. Either way, I hope you'll like it! As always if you like what you have read please remember that fanfic writers live off of likes, comments and reblogs- we wont admit it but we all have praise kinks.

Have you watered your writer today?

Each long stride only allowed more anger to fill his lungs. That disgusting, foul-breathed cretan. How dare she encourage such thoughts in their minds? To speak of this dementedly wicked world like the Garden of Eden, like it was something worth protecting. When creatures like her ruined its oasis, this was just more evidence that only further proved every reason to go through with the plan to wipe them out of existence.

Silence filled the long, winding corridors in the late hour—only the soft shuffles of his steps to be heard. The time spent wandering, stewing in the whirlpool of thoughts, was unknown. Be it subconsciously or with intention, he came to stand before the kitchen door. Finger paints covered the wood in various colors and shapes and crudely drawn animals. No doubt, the artistic freedom given to the girls by that damn woman. Another distraction put in front of them that should instead be spent studying and growing more substantial for the future, his future. Fingers massaged at his temple, and that damn under-eye twitch was back.

Before turning to continue on the walk of rage, a faint light shined from under the door. The source’s inconsistent flickering made it obvious it was a flame light, not the usual overhead bulbs. A shadow was moving about, its lines from under the door jam shifting around. Was someone trying to find a late-night snack? Curiosity got the better of him as the door cracked open, the well-oiled hinges making no noise to give away his presence. There, at the kitchen island, sat the bane of his existence. A single candle was her only light source as she made notes in a thick-bound journal. Books littered across the counter’s surface that she was scanning between.

After spending two hours tossing and turning in bed, Hope had given up on sleep finding her tonight. What time would have been spent dreaming was now used to research and plan instead. In the short time since coming to the estate, she realized how out of her depth she was. Growing up on a farm had taught her many valuable tidbits that rolled over into the new career of personal cook. Sadly, though, most of the knowledge of common fruits and vegetation was useless now due to being on foreign soil. Not to mention, all the meals commonly made here were a complete novelty to her. All day, the worry of not knowing a simple dish to make for the girls if one got sick filled her head.

She felt lucky that it was still summer, but fall and winter would soon come, so it was best to start studying basic soup stocks and how to preserve them now. Just as exhaustion began to creep its way up her spine, the face of that egotistical man came to mind. She groaned, remembering how he had already refused everything but the boiled, unseasoned chicken breast. A previous warning of how picky her new boss was had first been brushed off, but now she only saw it as something more concerning. When inquired, the girls only looked at each other before explaining how their father seemed to struggle with food. Something about how things always seemed to taste putrid: Hope made a mental note to inquire if there were meals that would not be so vehemently refused going forward.

“I see I am not alone in burning the late-night oil.” Geto had to hold in the smug smirk at watching Hope almost jump out of her skin when making his presence known. Stepping closer to the kitchen island, his eyes scanned its counter’s contents. Multiple subjects filled the open pages, text outlining photos and drawings of local flora and fauna in Japan, while another explained cultural customs entwined with particular meals. “Homework?” he asked, keeping the tone of the question light, almost teasing. Anger still simmered just below the surface, the lid of feigned equanimity keeping it in check.

She quickly closed the notebook, gathered the books, and walked backward while responding. “Just menu planning and figuring out what to plant in the garden first.” Mirroring his strained smile, she still tried to calm the racing of her heart from being caught off guard by his presence. “W-What has you up so late?” Gulping when the evident anger in his eyes seemed to be barely masked by the smile on his lips. With each step he took further into the space, she took one back-feigning needing to put the books back in their place, on the opposite end of the island. Something deep and primal warned not to turn her back to him.

Hands going back into their usual hiding place in the sleeves of his haori, he stopped where she had just been sitting. Magnanimous in allowing the useless cook her space. “I just tucked the girls into bed. They were having difficulty falling asleep, and I couldn’t figure out why for a while until they started asking some peculiar questions.” Geto tilted his head, the candle’s light only illuminating one half of his face while the other became shrouded in the darkness of the night. Even in the dimly lit space, the fear on her face was clear as day. Teeth ground together as realization dawned on him; at first, he had chalked up what she had told his daughters as common monkey ignorance. But now, in the fearful response of shirking away from him, it became apparent that she knew exactly what she had done.

“Oh? What kinds of questions?” Hope’s palms began to sweat, making it hard to hold the books. She had no shame in introducing the importance of protecting living things, nor held abasement in teaching how the circle of life affected everyone, including Nanako and Mimiko. However, this did not make her oblivious to the potential backlash of such actions. Placing the books down on the edge of the counter before straightening her posture; if she were to be fired or threatened, then he would have to do it while seeing her head held high.

What was once a simmering pot now started to boil. It was one thing to play stupid with him, but it was another thing entirely to look proud while doing it. Taking a step forward, he spoke sternly, “Yes. It seems they have these ideas suddenly.” Another step. “Notions I have taught them that will not be allowed in the future I am creating. You wouldn't happen to know where they got those from, would you?” He now stood only a few short strides from her and the corner she had put herself in. Watching as she stood taller with each step, even puffing her chest out. She was brave; he would give her that. Bravely stupid.

Hope’s eyes dropped down from where he now stood to the books before her. With a deep breath, she calmly spoke the answer he was trying to pull from her. “Yes, I had asked them what vegetables would be best to grow in the garden earlier today. As it turns out, they didn't know, and neither did I. So I found a book, and the three of us took turns reading and learning.” Wetting her mouth, she continued before glancing up to see the anger on his face build. “The girls started to have more philosophical questions on which I gave my opinions on.” Fear spread through her bones as he quickly walked into the small space that was left between them. Turning to face the outrage on his face, back facing the island as her hands held onto its edge for the needed stability of what was to come.

“Who are you to fill their minds with such disgusting notions?” The pot's lid danced over the boiling rage held within. The candlelight illuminated both of them clearly, making it possible to watch as shock filled her face at his statement.

At first, her jaw hung open until the feeling of offense had her back to defend herself. “You may think it disgusting, Your Radiance, but like it or not, the reality is that those girls are starting to realize that not everything in this world is horrible. There are things worth enjoying now, not just when you create some theoretical future.” Though her words rang with strength, her body responded in alarm at watching the monster before her shift through so many emotions.

“They are my children! And much too young to be curious about such things.” The lid crashed to the ground as the emotions finally boiled over the pot’s opening. His voice had raised before quieting back down.

“They are growing girls, just three years shy of being teenagers! How can you not see that they are becoming curious about the world around them? Both have questions, yet you refuse to acknowledge it.”

Wrath filled his eyes, his usually fake pacifying expression vanishing to show the true nature of his feelings as he crowded her further with a sneer, twisting his lips. “Oh? What questions would be so important that they would go to a vile monkey for answers instead of me?” His tone was dangerous, threatening, and low.

She could feel the hair on the back of her neck rise; he did not expect such rage to be mirrored back. “I may be a monkey, but at least they feel safe enough to tell me when they like a boy.” Shock started filling his face as she took the chance to be the one now leaning in. “Tell me, how do you plan to explain to them that you will cause the death of their crush?”

Her eyes flicked back and forth between his; he was so close that she could feel the heat of his breath across her nose. Blood thrummed in her veins at how hard her heart pounded. The butcher-block wood creaked under her white knuckle grip, and her back pressed firmly against the counter as he further cornered her in. If this is how she died, then so be it; it will have been worth it to have finally shoved reality into the maniac's face.

Large palms and long arms became caged bars around her, nails scratching groves into the woodgrain. “A crush is a trivial thing.” He leaned further, pressing his chest forward, forcing her spine to bow back uncomfortably. The stiff lip of the wood now bit painfully into her haunches. Delicate fingers gripped the front of his gojogesa, desperate to have any control of how he continued contorting her upper body. His head tilted to whisper into her ear, “They will learn that a monkey’s place is beneath them.”

Geto hated weaklings and abhorred their very existence. It was revulsion, not excitement, that caused the fluttering in his stomach when their cheeks brushed. Loathing how it should have been disgust, not pleasure when her breasts pressed against his chest with each shuddered breath she took. He should have felt repulsed when realizing how perfect the closeness of their height was and how easy it would be to connect further.

It’s because of the years of celibacy that she was so sensitive, Hope told herself. Why else would such a monster cause the sensation of pooling hot honey to form in her belly? How, when Geto shifted his weight to press the muscle of his hips against hers, a whimper caught in her throat that pride refused to let out.

It must have been the lack of touch for so long that had her eyes fluttering shut when he nuzzled his nose into her temple. Monsters did not fathom such intimate affection. Monsters would not wrap such large hands around the back of her neck, gripping the corded muscles of her throat in such a dizzying way. She would not lift onto the counter and widen the distance of her thighs for a beast to slot between them so perfectly. Surely, such a creature would not brace his other hand around the center of her back to press further for contact. The sensation of the growl emanating from its lungs shooting to her core.

It was because his nose had become accustomed to the disinfectant spray that he was so sensitive to her smell. Internally berating himself for nuzzling into the hairline above the cook’s ear, lemon verbena, and citrus mixed pleasantly among the uplifting notes of her scent. Geto couldn’t refrain from pressing firmer into her hairline, gulping in deep breaths of Hope’s scent. The grip on the back of her neck tightened further; confirmation of the creature’s ability to still breathe came in how she tried and failed to hold back a second low moan.

His own response vibrated from how feminine hands gripped the thick fabric on his back and along his rib cage. Cursing at the way, soft, long legs dragged upward along the sides of his hips before wrapping around to press him closer. Silk robe falling open from the movement to show matching panties. It was unbelievable how quickly his cock hardened, straining against the white cloth of his momohiki. He could feel the heat radiating from her core, even with the five layers of Buddhist robes between them. How many years had it been since he had touched himself, let alone such a tempting, vile animal?

Hope bit her bottom lip at the delicious pressure against her core. If she hadn’t been so swept up in the moment’s intensity, she might have been embarrassed about the wet spot that could be felt already in her underwear. Skin growing hot as her body craved more contact and friction. The hands that previously gripped his clothes now reached up to thread into the long tendrils of the brutes hair. Fingernails scraped against his scalp before grasping firmly to pull the face away from hiding against her cheek. The strangled gasp he made caused her walls to flutter; what other noises would this monster of a man make?

The site that greeted her was breathtaking: flushed cheeks, eyes wide with shock and pleasure, and an oh-so-tempting pout to kiss. Gone were the fake smiles, disgusted glares, and angry scowls. Now what stood before her was a desperate mess of a man whose cock was so hard it could be felt through the many layers of clothing. She felt relief from the sight before her; a previous worry that he was toying with her was dissipated. No one would be able to deny his desire from how hard he was breathing, his own hands clinging to her like a lifeline.

Suguru was a man who had faced his fair share of dangerous and terrifying situations in his lifetime. He prided himself on keeping calm and making calculated choices during high-stress moments. So panic began to set in when he found moving from this frozen position impossible. The way her hands had gripped his hair, forcing them to hold eye contact, had his cock throbbing. Panic rose higher from the sensation. She kept glancing at his lips; this wasn’t good. Willing his lungs to work and throat to open, a quiet but hoarse word came out. “No.”

It was Hope’s turn to pout. Her legs locked tighter around him. In reality, he could break free from her so easily; the fact that he wasn’t just proved how much his body languished for contact. Her eyes pleaded as she took in his image, memorizing it and burning it into her mind. “Please.” she quietly asked in return. Hips rocked gently against his to help emphasize her ask. All movement paused at hearing an odd sound. Her brow furrowed in question at the noise he made suddenly, his face contorting to one that could be described as painful. Had she hurt him just now?

Geto eyes shut as the sudden climax continued quivering through him. Its shame was felt running down his stomach, legs, and clothing. He refused to look, to see her expression once she realized what had just occurred.

Hope's concern grew as he stayed still and closed off, contrasting how he clung to her a moment ago. The grip in his hair melted into gentle touches on his cheek, cupping his face to see if she could coax him to look at her. Hormones and endorphins craving the intimacy once more. When his eyes still refused to open, she scanned more of him to find the source of the sudden change. That’s when she spotted it; instantly, it all made sense. The relatively sizable wet spot formed on his clothes was proof of what occurred. Warmth spread to her cheeks as sinful thoughts began to race in her mind, the desire for more growing. Biting her bottom lip, she murmured-

“Again.”

His eyes sprung open wide, disbelief shaping the expression. Their eyes met as he processed her expression of hunger. The gentle touch of her hands on his cheek shifted to clasping the side of his face in place. Hips tilted as she pressed her core to where the wet spot lay on him. His mouth was agape in shock at the feeling of being nuzzled along his jawbone, the sensation trailing a line to his ear where a whisper was pressed against its shell. “I want another one, please.” The ask was sweet and sincere, even begging. Words failed him as a hand gently guided his own from the counter across the warmth of a plush thigh to someplace much hotter. A palpation hit his ribcage when feeling thin satin fabric, saturated and slick, shuttering when Hopes’s fingers encouraged his own to press more firmly against the spot. Her resounding whine brought him back from the out-of-body experience.

The overwhelming rage from before shifted into something much more savage and ravenous. Years of repressed urges bled to the surface; sturdy fingers gripped into the base of her hair like a handle to be pulled back from him, the movement forcing her skull to tilt up. It felt impossible to catch any breath as it heaved erratically between the groaning and growls, responding to how desperate legs clung to him. Any previous control had spilled from the pot that now boiled over. Another hand raised to cup her face with the same tenderness she had shown him just moments ago, watching how her eyes repeated their glances to his lips again. Finally, he leaned in.

“Shhh, I know where she hid the cookies from earlier.” Multiple footsteps could be heard getting closer and closer outside the door. Mimiko and Nanako both telling the other to be quiet, annoying the other with each repeated response given back and forth.

Hope and Geto’s eyes widened as the reality of their situation quickly sunk in. Her mouth opened and closed like the koi fish in the pond outside, and before she could say a word, the maniac was gone. Her brain struggled to process his disappearance, the movement inhuman in its speed. The limbs that once were held up against the other body flopped from no longer having something to grip onto. As the kitchen door slowly opened, she scrambled off the counter and ripped open one of the fridge doors to hide her overtly flushed face. Praying that its cold air would help calm down her heart rate. She was panicking as she quickly fixed the front of her silk robe back in its proper place.

Hidden outside the kitchen’s veranda, Geto stood in horror as the events that had just transpired replayed in his mind. Dismay that the truth about who started the whole situation was him. What was worse was that as hard as he tried to feel the disgust he so proudly touted for her kind, he could only feel how hard he was--again. Realization dawned on him of how dangerous the cook was as he shifted Hopes’s title from monkey to succubus.

[thehuntfortrencherlostmedia]

The Origins, Ramsay Fiction & The Confusing Mishmash of Everything Before Fix Me - A Marianas Trench Retrospective

Okay, so my post got likes, but I only got one actual response from anyone, agreeing with me on the fact they like things in chronological order. So, I guess it's time to talk about the bands early days, eh?

The truth of the matter is, the band as many know them started in late 2003 and early 2004. Anything before that gets placed in this weird murky middle section with a name change, members leaving, and also a complete and utter mess of when Ramsay Fiction came to an end and where Marianas Trench begins. We have located a demo disk from 2001 with the Marianas name on it, but we also don't have any dates as to when certain things were recorded or uploaded onto MP3.com.

Here's what we do know: Josh Ramsay, a teenager dealing with both an addiction to heroin and an eating disorder, loved music from a young age. His father owned a recording studio, and his mother was a vocal coach. Music was literally in his blood, but even though the two had connections into the industry and everything, he set out to make it into the business on his own. And he knew one thing for certain: He DID NOT want to be a solo act, he wanted to be in a band.

The issue for Josh was getting that band together. At first, it was him and his sister Sara (backup vocals), her then boyfriend and later husband Trevor Spilchen (on bass, even though he was a guitar player), Josh's friend Steve Marshall (on guitar and backup vocals, despite being a BASSIST), and a rotating list of drummers, eventually finding Ian Casselman in a series of classifieds in a newspaper late into the bands life. This lineup didn't last long, as once Sara became pregnant with her and Trevor's first kid, they stepped aside... leading to 2 new members joining: Josh's friend Matt Webb (originally a keyboardist), and Steve's pal Morgan Hempstead (the man who bestowed them the Marianas Trench name). It's tough to say who plays what on a lot of the Ramsay Fiction tracks that make up Cooler Than Me, as I think they come from two different recording sessions, if not more. Same goes for a lot of the self-titled EP work too, as we know at least two tracks from that era, an early recording of Fix Me, and a early recording of Skin & Bones, were both first made public to people in 2004... months after Steve and Morgan left, and Mike Ayley joined the group after getting to know everyone as Ian's roommate.

In fact, for the longest time, a lot of the Ramsay Fiction stuff was lost media, songs that nobody outside of a rare few had ever heard. As of April 1st this year, this is no longer the case, and all the songs have been found and preserved (yes, even PMS... despite it being taken off Youtube, has been saved.)

To talk about these songs is hard. There's definitely a lot of emotion and pain in these tracks, and the overall sound is very 90's, going for more of heavy grunge and alternate rock sound, very reminiscent of Matthew Goode. But you can also hear those other elements creep in from other acts Josh has referenced time and time throughout in small snippets. The biggest thing holding a lot of these songs back is a mix of production (which is still insanely impressive for the time period and the fact it was done by a teen no less), and lyrical ckunkiness, making them semi hard to decipher.

What do I mean by this? Take track 1, the one everyone knows: Primetime. The song's verses speak about how something is this, but the person is the opposite... bu we don't get a clear picture of who the person is.. only that supposedly a hit of heroin will make everything feel better. It's odd that this is the song that's somehow lasted the test of time out of all these tracks. But hey, it did lead to a great callback on End of An Era.

Track 2, Shiny Like Dirt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG-OoIsFbow), is truly a song where Josh took a ton of ideas he had for songs, and threw it against the wall to see if it would stick. And... it does stick, but also doesn't? The chorus is super catchy, basically admitting he's a confusing person, and that nothing he does makes sense... and yet, despite it all, he still has fears of the unknown. The "coming up for air" bridge is probably my favourite part, but it's definitely an earworm I return to occasionally. I've also linked it in case you've yet to hear it.

Track 3: Shallow. The song we've known about for the longest time, the one the fandom cherished like a baby... and honestly, it's probably my least favourite? I've tried to decipher the lyrics on this one for ages, but I can't come up with anything concrete. I do think the song has a good tone, and the guitar solo is totally awesome. In fact, there's a lot of great guitar and bass work throughout a lot of these songs. But there's something missing for me on this one.

Track 4: Playing Dead. This seems to be the earliest recorded song of this bunch, going off Josh's voice here. And honestly, I think it's the closest tonally to a current day Marianas Trench song. There's a bit of a swing sound going on in the drums, the harmonies.... and it's an interesting number overall. Also, it's our clearest sampling of Steve's voice, and just how close it is to Matt's vocals xD... it seems to be a simple love song about a girl and how he's open to roleplaying almost anything with her, using "playing dead" as his main metaphor. It's the black sheep of the CD, but a good one.

Track 5: Hideous. Here we go... the first track Josh ever wrote about his bulimia and depression... and how it was eating him from the inside... and how he was asking for help, even though he wasn't fully ready to accept it at the time. The beginning parts are very slow, and methodical.... only for the song to pick up energy in it's second half and become truly one of the standouts on this album.

Track 6: PMS. Okay... so... this one is tough to talk about. We knew for years it was supposedly very comedic in nature and that it was also politically incorrect, but that was it. For those of you who still have not heard it, there's a copy of it in this Discord server in the links and archive section: https://discord.gg/d5M3xVN9

As for the song itself, I personally really love it. It's a song about Josh being petty to a girl and truthfully telling her off. It's definitely of its time period, but in the best way possible. And once again, the guitar work here is SO GOOD. If you can stomach a song that truly is a time capsule and understand that Josh would never write anything as juvenile today, give it a listen.

Track 7: Don't Touch Me. The song that holds a special place in my heart... as I was the one to LOCATE IT after 18 years in the massive pile of MP3.com links that were given to the Internet Archive in 2021. And it's a ballad all about Josh dealing with both the arguments and turmoil he would feel when coming down from getting high. Truthfully, this might be the most emotional song of this batch, and one that definitely sticks its landing.

So, my overall thoughts here are to give these songs a listen, and understand them for what they are: the start of a musical prodigy finding his footing and his sense of style while getting clean and hoping somebody, anybody, would give him a chance. While the tone might not have influenced Josh’s style fully going forward, there are elements from these songs that were taken and repurposed into later Trench tracks.

Luckily, and also sadly... Jonathan Simkin & Chad Kroeger gave him that chance. And thus, we got ourselves a self titled EP... and a full title debut. But that'll be next time.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 2, Wave 3, Poll 2

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Chu Sangwoo-Semantic Error

Qualifications/Propaganda:

hey this is just a little more info on Chu Sangwoo (obvs you don't have to include him if you don't want to but I'd figure I'd send some more stuff in) (I also don't think I submitted him? but I know who he is) So there's a manhwa (Korean webcomic) and a tv series (I'm personally more familiar with the tv series). Basically, he's very strongly coded as autistic, though it's never explicitly stated (though in the manhwa I believe they mention that he has some unspecified disorder).So here's a list of some of the things he does in the series that are why people say he's autistic-coded:

meticulously organized and adheres to a strict schedule he set for himself

struggles when things happen that he didn't predict beforehand/throws a wrench into his plans

is very blunt, gets labeled as antisocial/being like a machine, and struggles with understanding other's social cues

practices saying things so that he won't come off as insincere

creates his own systems to accomplish tasks and struggles to work in unfamiliar environments/environments with lots of distractions

views life very logically and doesn't like it when things happen that break his rules of logic

wishes he could format his brain so he wouldn't have to deal with confusing and unnecessary feelings

There's others but that's a few of the main ones.Anyways here's a little clip from the series that hopefully helps add more context? https://youtu.be/Mai2WvTpIv8 And anyways if you still decide to not include him, that's fine, but I'd figure that I'd send y'all some more info just in case! Excited for th bracket regardless!!!

Chu Sangwoo is canonically gay, the series is a gay romance & he falls for Jaeyoung, who's the complete opposite of him personality wise. Hence the title- semantic 'error' since attraction wasn't expected. It's a really good series and Chu Sangwoo is realistic and well-written (speaking as a fellow queer autistic).

Elim Garak-Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Qualifications:

He has PTSD due to child abuse, as well as a painkiller addiction due to a brain implant. He is also extremely gay. Like literally everybody who watches DS9 immediately understands this about him. He was explicitly played by his actor, Andy Robinson, as attracted to Julian Bashir, and his only heterosexual romance is truly painful to witness. Andrew Robinson has also said that he has had a one-night stand with Dukat, one of the main villains of DS9 and noted lizard nazi. Do with that what you will. His closest relationship onscreen by far is with Julian.

Propaganda:

This man. There is a reason so many people are obsessed with him. Former spy, current tailor, forever an incurable bitch. Guilty of many war crimes, including onscreen attempted genocide. Once intentionally blew up his own tailor shop (with him in it) because he didn't want to ask for help with something. In his very first scene on the show, he wears an shirt that strongly resembles a watermelon, propositions Julian Bashir, and leaves while canonically high on painkillers. He has PTSD due to child abuse at the hands of the head of the space lizard KGB, who is also his dad, and a painkiller addiction due to a brain implant he has to help him withstand torture. He tortures a main character in one episode, and then a few episodes later they start having regular breakfasts together. Once got high on Space Weed and started systematically murdering people while making ominous announcements about chess over the PA system. The Most Character Ever.

Anything Else?:

He once told Julian to eat his rod. It was about a futuristic USB stick (datarod) but he still very much said it.

Submitted by @convenient-plot-device

[femmejournal]

dgm quartet + reader with PMDD

PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) is an endocrine disease that causes intense pms symptoms + depression, anxiety, mood swings, changes in apetite, and many other things, 10 - 14 days before a person's period. I was recently diagnosed and I thought this would be comforting for me bc im kinda struggling with it recently. Do with it what you will.

Brief nsfw mentions for Lavi and Kanda sorry. Its just boobs + sex mentions lol but you know. Tumblr. Just gotta be safe.

Allen

He's really kind about it, but it can be hard for him to be patient with you sometimes when your symptoms start to show.

You get into very hopeless, dire moods and he wants to snap at you when you speak unkindly about yourself. But he restrains himself

Would probably do a bunch of research on it and give suggestions on how to better cope with it, if you don't have a handle on it already.

Hes ready to give you whatever you need tbh. If you need space, he'll leave you be. If you're wanting support, he's there.

There are times when Allen will need a moment to cool down, too, when you're having a hard time. It stresses him out to see you so upset, and he has to walk away sometimes.

Often suggests different food to make you feel better. Will force Link to make it for you

Lenalee

Because it is influenced by stress and trauma, I imagine Lenalee may have PMDD herself. Or, at least knows of it, since everyone in her line of work experiences stress and trauma.

If she doesnt know of it, she researches it, similarly to Allen. But its easier for her to be patient with you than it is for him. That is, unless she experiences it herself.

In that case you two are synced and theres either a lot of crying or a lot of arguing. Or both!

yeah, sorry but two people with pmdd....no. just no

You might be very on and off with her because of it.

If she doesn't have symptoms, though, she takes very good care of you! Makes you tea, exercises with you, lots of cuddles.

There are times when you can be really difficult though and even she would lose her patience sometimes. Not that it would even result in a fight, she'd just drop the subject.

Lavi

Lavi is a walking encyclopedia so he knows what pmdd is and how to treat it. He's actually very good to you about it, and rarely does it ever result in genuine arguments, even when you do have serious mood swings and say the most depressed things he's ever heard very suddenly.

Offers to massage your boobs lol. He's trying to be funny but also knows you're in pain

another one who would exercise with you, but prefers napping together, of course!

Is very good at wrapping you in blankets, holding your face and talking sense into you.

When he can't deal with you though, which is rare, he just avoids talking to you if it gets far enough. He doesn't track your cycle or anything but can tell when you're suffering. The type to shut you out for a while and then act like nothing happened.

Kanda

Uh oh

Like, I was gonna say there's a lot of arguments around the time that you start experiencing symptoms, but. It's just these little (loud, though) spats about you suddenly being the most dramatic depressed person on earth and him getting really pissed when you speak about yourself with so much hate

I was gonna say he'd yell at you, which is probably still true, but genuinely? You could make this man cry. The shit I say when pmdd hits, I think seeing someone he loved like that would upset him deeply. He'd be terrified of you snapping and offing yourself tbh

but, the fights wouldn't last long, I don't think. You just end up crying in his arms lol

He really encourages you to do anything you can to cope because he's scared bro!! He's pushy about it

Will exercise with you. He really pushes this one, because it helps him, too. Will do whatever he can to help you along, if you're kinda weak or inexperienced with exercise

Forces you to eat if you lose your appetite

Doesn't care if it lowers your libido. Even though physical touch of any kind is usually how he expresses his feelings for you, because he sucks with words, he's fine as long as he can cuddle you whenever lol

If you don't have that problem he might try to fuck the self loathing out of you though. Again, he's a very physical guy.

[lesbianvamp1re]

NBC’s Hannibal changed my life here’s why :3

(moderate spoilers you have been warned)

Overtly gay

So many shows have amazing queer characters but many of them refuse to make this explicit and only lightly imply it. First of all there are two women in this show who “straight” up get together. Hannibal and Will never actually kiss, however there are so many extremely homoerotic scenes between them that it doesn't make much difference. Will even directly asks Hannibal's therapist Bedelia if Hannibal is in love with him. Other characters in the show also joke about their relationship, referring to them as “murder husbands” or referring to Will as the bride of frankenstein. Another crazy line is when Will says he and Hannibal have “begun to blur” and he doesn’t know if they will survive separation. Will and Hannibal also have this thing where they are drawn to each other even to their own detriment, Will keeps coming back to Hannibal even when he should know not to. After all, you don’t go back to your best friend after they keep trying to kill and eat you.

Insanely cinematic

The whole show is just extremely beautiful. The transitions are amazing, and there are gorgeous shots of everything. The music is also a masterpiece and adds so much to the show. Hannibal is a cannibal, but he is also a very fancy cook which creates many moments where you know he’s cooking people, but the food is mouthwatering anyway. I cannot stress how cool the food in this show is, not only the finished dishes but you also get amazing shots of Hannibal cooking and serving the meals. And do NOT even get me started on the gore, it is simultaneously disgusting, showing just about everything in detail, and beautiful because of the strange and artistic presentations of the bodies. Additionally the show HEAVILY uses metaphors, especially to refer to Hannibal and Wills relationship and they both often speak in metaphors themselves which is a bit confusing but overall works very well.

Hannibal Lecter

All the characters in this show are amazing and have great development and stories but I will mostly focus on Will and Hannibal (shocker i know). Hannibal Lecter is a serial killer and cannibal for pleasure, he is labeled a sociopath but it is explained that this is somewhat inaccurate as he has no trouble socializing, and experiences empathy. However he isn’t really a psychopath either as he also experiences regret. We know that Hannibal ate his sister as a child but he says he did not kill her which is interesting (we aren’t shown much detail in this area). Hannibal looks down upon most people seeing them as being beneath him, although amusing, but he has no trouble killing them if he considers them rude. Will Graham is a rare exception to this as Hannibal is very interested in him and his mind. Will fears that he enjoys killing people and confides in Hannibal (who is his psychiatrist) about it which interests Hannibal. He still wants to cannibalize Will though because he doesn’t know how to be normal about his feelings.

Will Graham

Will has a lot of stuff going on, he mainly shows signs of being autistic, and he has an empathy disorder which causes him to be able to solve murders through heavily empathizing with the killers. His ability to empathize so heavily causes him severe mental distress when he spends too much time thinking like killers. He has nightmares and hallucinations, often about the “stag man” which is exactly what it sounds like. Also in addition it turns out he has encephalitis which makes this worse. The stag man is a wendigo which is an evil spirit originating from Algonquian folklore that causes people to have the desire to kill and eat other people. Here the wendigo likely represents Hannibal or Hannibal and Will's relationship, Will starts seeing it after the first murder by the Chesapeake ripper (Hannibal) which is a body mounted on antlers. Will likes Hannibal because he appeals to his darker side, and Hannibal won’t judge him for desiring brutal things. Also Hannibal is pretty manipulative and Will makes the mistake of letting him inside his head.

It’s basically a silly romcom

While it may not really be anything like a romcom, it is if you squint hard enough. Hannibal and Will's relationship is obviously very romantic in its own way. Also it’s best not to take the show too seriously all the time because it tends to be a little silly at times. The cannibal jokes are really funny.

[whatspastisprologue-blr]

Because 2 of my biggest hyperfixations are Interview with the Vampire and The Amazing Devil, here we go....

"Little Miss Why So" is, to me, based on my interpretation of the song, very much applies to Loustat in S1. To me, Madeleine is singing from the perspective of someone who is very depressed and who has a partner who is trying to cure her by, basically, loving her out of it. This is, to me, confirmed by the few lines that Joey sings, as though if he does enough good things for her, if he just shows her how much he loves her, she'll snap out of it. (And it doesn't work and they split up.)

I've been thinking about it a lot but especially in relation to the animation in S2E7 that depicts Lestat constantly doing things to make Louis happy/cure him of depression, while it doesn't work and Rue Royale gets more and more dilapidated until they can't even see each other over the mountain of newspapers, books, and other things. (I am completely sympathetic to Louis, btw, but I also know how scary and helpless it is to love someone and want to help them but you can't.)

Throughout LMWS, Madeleine lists all the things Joey's character has said or done and she sounds so exhausted, and there's this repeated "he said", and then she starts going into a mantra of sorts: "It's so boring, it's so boring, it's so boring....." And she caps it off with "et cetera" like she's just too bored to keep going but she could if she wanted to.

There's a few parts I want to call out specifically:

"I don't know how to reach you when you get like this. I've been waiting for you to come home."

This is Lestat's frustration, basically. He keeps trying to reach Louis and nothing is working. Even when Louis is home, physically, he's not present (I've seen great meta about Louis having a disassociative disorder). Special mention here to the line, "It's daylight again and you look like I've failed you." Lestat is a provider; it's something that he takes pride in and enjoys, whether it's his human family eating food that he hunted, or how he sent money and gifts to his human family after becoming a vampire, or the things he buys for Louis and Claudia.

"If I'm good, will you come back?"/"Stop asking why I'm sad, just know it's enough to know I'm sad." Madeleine and Joey are literally singing over each other here, singing at the same time. Their characters are speaking past each other. They're not listening to each other. Joey's character just wants to know how to fix her, what he has to do to get her to come back for him. Madeleine's character is just exhausted from having to provide reasons why she feels the way she does. Worse, her character continues (as though quoting Joey's), "Yeah, but why?" He's still asking her. He's not leaving her alone about it because he's obsessed with figuring out the problem so he can solve it. And it's driving her away.

"Why don't you just tell them all to fuck off, love, and be mine?" ("Them" probably being "those wankers that you serve all night".) For Lestat, "them"/"those wankers" is probably all of Louis's human connections.

As others have pointed out, "The Rockrose and the Thistle", another of TAD's songs, is a good example of how to love someone through depression instead of trying to love them out of it (too bad Lestat couldn't have heard it back then).

And while I could probably relate several other songs from The Amazing Devil to Interview with the Vampire, I'll just leave ya'll with this line from "Battle Cries": "This isn't a breakup, dear heart, it's a season finale!"

(Also, if you've listened to Little Miss Why So and you think that Joey sounds like Jaskier from Netflix's The Witcher, that's because it is! The Amazing Devil has 3 albums out, in case you want to hear more of his and Madeleine's phenomenal voices. Now, off you go, to be spellbound by these beautiful lovely Fae creatures!)

[blankiebloo]

I'll try.

I do realize that I have some things I'm already working on, but this popped into my head and felt a little bit more important to me-

Characters: Childe x Gn!Reader, Venti x Gn!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of depression, cutting, slight mention of a eating disorder

Venti

You two used to hang around each other almost everyday, but recently, he's noticed that you've started to hang around people less and less. He's noticed all of the changes in your behavior: he's noticed that on your days off, you don't seek anyone out anymore, you're actually not seen at all. And when you are around, you look skinnier than before like you haven't been eating; and your eyes are all red too.

He caught you leaving your house on one of your days off for the first time in a while, he was so happy that you left your house that he followed you, he followed you all the way to Starsnatch Cliff and watched as you sat down close to the edge..too close to the edge.

"You know, it isn't safe sitting that close to the edge," he spoke, finally making himself known as he stepped closer to you. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you sat that close on purpose.." his voice was quiet and somber unlike his normal cheery tone.

You turned your head to the side as you watched him sit next to you. He looked at the sky in front of you, his gaze soft and worried. He didn't need you to tell him what was wrong, and he figured that you didn't wish to speak by how quiet you were.

He turned his gaze to your stiff and saddened expression, you looked so tired. "Do you wish to talk to me, my friend? I know I'm no professional but, I'm sure it's better to finally get your feelings out there instead of bottling them up, hm?" He tilted his head, waiting for you to speak or not.

You nodded and looked in front of you, gazing at the horizon but also gazing somewhere far away, some place no one could touch. You opened your mouth, and the words that you spoke instantly made Venti's heart drop, "Venti, I don't want to live anymore." Your expression was so cold and unbothered, it was like what you said was something so normal, something everyone says.

"[Name], what-" he reached out and touched your shoulder only to pull his hand back when you hissed in pain at the touch. "[Name]. Could you show me your shoulder."

His voice sounded so serious, you looked at him and your eyes started to tear up, your lip quivered as you started crying. "Venti, I-I can't do this anymore! It's getting so hard now, I don't want to live like this anymore!" You hid your face in your hands as you continued to sob.

His gaze softened as he continued to look at you, he reached out and pulled you into him and caressed your head. "Live like what?"

"Live how I am!" You yelled into his blouse, grabbing onto it. "I don't want to live hoping that tomorrow will be better only for it to be the same! I want to be happy and be able to calm myself down when I panic, not cut myself to calm down! It gets so hard to continue on living just for the sake of living, what's the point of living if I'm just going to die in the end?"

Venti's heart sank as he held you closer to himself, "[Name], I may not know everything about you and everything that happens in your life, but I promise you, that your life is worth every breathe I have."

His hug got tighter, but it didn’t hurt; you moved your face to look at his and he was already staring at you. "You deserve to live a life full of happiness, [Name]. Promise me that you'll live, promise me that you'll try?"

Tears started to fall faster as you nodded and buried your face into his chest again, sobbing your emotions out as you tried your best to stable yourself.

"I'll try, Venti. I'll try to do it."

He smiled as he kissed the top of your head. The wind had started to pick up as he sat there with you in his arms, slowly swaying back 'nd forth, he need not play any music to calm you down, for the winds played the song of his heart, and it sang out to you, begging for you to hear it and give your life a chance.

You two sat in silence except for your sniffling. You felt him squeeze your arm twice before he says, "I'd still really like to see your shoulders though, [Name]. I need to make sure those cuts don't get infected."

"Alright." You sit up and loosen your shirt a bit so he can check your shoulders, and as he does so you continue to look up and watch as the sun sets, focusing back on that place you see somewhere far away where nobody else can go.

Childe

Usually when you two spar, he'd barely hold back, but you weren't really sparring back with him. You were more like, slowly dogging and practically hitting him very lightly.

"Comrade, are you okay? You don't really seem to be in the sparring mood today," he stopped fighting as soon as he spoke, not wanting you to get distracted and get hurt.

It's like that question just broke you, and you started crying and sniffling. Childe rushed up to you worried, "Hey, hey, it's okay, whats wrong?" He asked as he pulled you into a hug.

"Childe, I...I want you to kill me."

His eyes widened and he pulled away and stared at you, concern, shock, confusion, it was all over his face as he started to question you fairly loud, "Kill you?! Why would I kill you?! Comrade, whats wrong? Why would you ever ask me to do that?"

You started to sob as your fist hit his chest, "Why won't you?! Why won't you just end my suffering already?! You were so willing to before when you mistook me for the traveler! Why not now?!"

He grabbed your wrist with one hand and your chin with the other as he forced you to meet his gaze, "Because I care for you! I don't want you to die, I want you to live out your life to the fullest and make memories!"

He stepped back and took your hands in his. "I want you to take care of yourself."

"But why should I?" Your tone was bitter. "We all live just to die anyways, why not make it go faster?"

Childe looked stunned. His brows furrowed as he spoke again, "You should live because the world always has a place for you to be happy and free. And you just haven't found it yet, and I don't think you should give up, not yet not ever."

"Promise me, that you'll live, that you'll go out and make your mark on peoples lives and make yourself smile. You deserve to be happy."

You wipe your tears off and look to the side. "I can't promise you that. But I'll promise you that I'll try."

"Try?! But, [Name]-"

"I don't like to make promises that I know I'll go back on, that is why I can't promise you anything other than the fact that I'll try. I'll try because you asked me to." You stare into his eyes, your gaze serious and pained.

He sighs and places a hand on your shoulder, "Fine, at least try. Thank you." He kisses your cheek. "Go home and get some rest, Comrade, all that crying can make you tired." He smiles and walks away with a wave.

You place your hand on your shoulder as you watch him walk away, a pitiful and numb smile lays on your face as you speak, "I'll try."

A/N: I know that this won't fit for all people, but this is how I have felt and I took all of the things that reader has said from my own head.

I get that it's hard, and I was just struggling when I came up with idea to write this, but please, at least try. We're all trying and so am I, try because you never know when it might get better.<3

[twsthc]

savanaclaw headcanons and projection 🦁

...this is what the poll from like last week was for. sorry heartslabyul and diasomnia fans teehee </3

⚠️ warnings: self harm, eating disorders

last updated: may 4, 2024

LEONA KINGSCHOLAR !! 🦁🥩

🇲🇱🇹🇿🇰🇪 UNLABLED + INTERSEX TRANSFEMNEU (she/him)

APPEARANCE HCS:

Leona is actually the twst character I've drawn the most

I hc all beastmen to have fur everywhere thats elastic and akin to mink skin

You know the texture of squishmallows? It's like that.

╰Doesn't include the thick hair in other places (head, facial, armpits, chest, pubes, etc)

Lots of scars in general + healed dermis self harm scars on thighs

Has a flat nose like a cat

RANDOM HCS:

Savanaclaw mom/big sister...

Overstimulating thunderstorm? Go whine to Leona. Diasomnia students bothering you? Get leona to deal with them. Your food is too hot? Cry to Leona.

During freshman year she was way more outgoing and extroverted but eventually She mellowed out (depression moment)

She used to change hairstyles a lot before settling on freeform dreads

Also got into way more fights back then (also how she became housewarden)

Now she is (kind of) calm. Tranquil. At peace. Has depressive episodes. Relaxed.

Mostly does her own thing, and if that "thing" isn't sleeping it's some other bullshit the underclassmen roped her into

SHE CAN SEW AND MAKE JEWLERY

╰While wandering the castle one day, Leona stumbled upon the servants quarters. They taught him life skills (mending clothes, cooking, etc :3)

Despite being a big sis figure if she doesn't want to do something she Will Not.

And if she does do it afterall it's because she gets something out of it.

NPD, GAD, PDD (persistent depressive disorder)

RUGGIE BUCCHI !! 🍩🌼

🇺🇸🇧🇷 UNLABLED + TRANS MAN (he/him)

APPEARANCE HCS:

Similarly to Leona he has a furry textured skin

Though his body hair is more coarse and longer due to him being a hyena

He has a lazy eye and tipped ear similar to Ed from The Lion King

Probably my second most drawn twst character :3

Healed epidermis self harm scars on inner wrists 🥶

RANDOM HCS:

He's like the cooler afrolatino Luke Blovad

He's either winning the idgaf wars or dying on the battlefield

Has an insane collection of weird shirts from thrift stores

And he makes it work every single time! his outfits go crazy!

More connected to his AADOS/Gullah side than his Brazilian side

Though he does speak Portugese!

In fact, he speaks multiple languages because polyglots are marketable

The type of person to take a half empty bottle of ketchup and rotting apple from an empty ass fridge and make dinner happen

Constantly going to Scarabia to snag their party leftovers

Used to be a scene kid!!!! This is canon and true!!!! Pls trust me

diabetes, GAD, MDD, undiagnosed ADHD

triggering content ahead !!

he has bulimia nervosa

╰fun fact! a lot of food insecure people have eating disorders

self harmed a lot from the ages from 10-12 before eventually stopping at 13

he stopped after his grandma found out and started checking his arms regularly (#projecting)

JACK HOWL !! 🐺🌵

🪶🇪🇬 PANROMANTIC ASEXUAL + GENDER CURIOUS (he/they)

APPEARANCE HCS:

WAY thicker fur than leona and ruggie

Trims his body hair a lot because he overheats in savanaclaw easily

RANDOM HCS:

The type of guy to be totally in love with the world and nature

They're just like. Wow. We were put on a spinning rock. With food to eat, and water drink, and air to breathe. I love being alive.

Had a little garden back at home and named every single plant

Remembers small things about people and brings them up in conversation

╰Hey dude I got you a Chipotle bowl. How did I remember your exact order? You told me. Yeah, I know it was a year ago, but--

Random but I think he dresses how Tupac did

Not even to be tough

But because he's a black suburban kid

(I'm a black city kid but this is probably how black suburban kids dress trust)

Loooves chewing on things. Has one of those chew necklaces

Autistic with botany and physical health special interest

[anchorandrope]

The Stylinson Crew Community FAQ ♡

Recently Tumblr implemented a new feature «Communities» which I decided to try. I made a private one for larries! In this post I'm gonna explain some things about communities in general and about this one specifically - just to make sure people know before joining what they are joining. In the community I pinned a post where I basically explain all this, but this is for people who are not there yet ;)

About Communities in general:

First of all, this is in beta testing, this is expected to bug, glitch, etc. According to Tumblr's page about Communities, it may not work in every mobile app (yet), and it's not available for every user yet. So they are gonna be slow till they do the next update.

No idea if anyone has Twitter, but the community feature there is kinda similar to this one. We do have roles - admin, moderators (not out yet, but they will only available to delate posts and comments), members - but here on Tumblr communities can be public or private (Twitter communities are all public).

Being a private community means: Everything we post here is absolutely private and only members can visualise and interact with the posts. The community is not hidden, so if anyone follows the link it will appear a message saying "this is a private community" - important note: if the admin (in this case, me!) sends an invite, the blogger who received the invite will be able to visualise the posts, but they won't be able to interact till they join.

Future updates for Communities:

When I made the community I was not only added here but also to two more communities (by default), one called "Communities Feedback" and the other one is "Community Admin Zone". In the feedback one the admin (a Tumblr employee) said the following features are on their way: Editing the community (admins only), moderators roles, the "free to join" and "request to join" feature, integrating communities into the feed (next to following, for you, tags) and updating the post editor in the mobile app. Some more but not that relevant.

About this Community specifically:

As the admin of this community, I want to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe there. To be able to do that, I'm letting you all know im only accepting Larry blogs or blogs that at least have posts or a tag where they talk about Louis and Harry being in a relationship. I'm well aware that there are a lot of blogs whose admins are larries but just don't post about it, but I cannot risk letting there someone who may give us a bad time. It's extremely easy to send a random ask saying "I'm a larrie, let me in" just to join and send inappropriate stuff or start insulting.

Regarding members' behaviour, is prohibited and will be expelled if: Minority bashing of some kind (racism, misogyny, xenophobia, lgbtphobia, ableism, classism, etc. is unacceptable), promoting unhealthy behaviours (eating disorders, self harm, addictions, etc.), posting here and/or on other social media anything that is posted here. If anyone breaks these rules, let me know and they will be banned.

What is allowed and encouraged: Talk freely about whatever you want about the fandom, talk about things in your life if you want to (if it's a sensitive topic use TW/CW, please). Make friends, ask questions, answer questions, gossip. Laugh, cry, get angry, do whatever you want. Take this community as a group of friends. Ideally we would like to speak mainly in English to understand each other, but if you want to meet people from your own country and talk to them in their own language, that's fine too!

Although it may sound obvious, this is a larrie community. People present are expected to believe that Louis and Harry are currently in a relationship. It's ok if you have doubts about the present but believe they were dating in the past, but people who believe that Louis and Harry were dating with their beards and PR Stunts from the 1D era are not accepted :) Which leads to the belief that Louis is not a father, if anyone present has a problem with this, I beg them to not ask to join the community.

How to join this Community:

I'll post in the community and here when the "request to join" feature is ready and I'll explain how to use it, but in the meantime you need to either reply to this post, send me an ask without anon (i need your url to invite you) or if we are moots, dm me! When I invite you, tumblrbot will dm you (private message, not via askbox) with instructions. If you don't receive them after I replied to you saying I've already sent you an invitation, please let me know! I'll see what I can do :) But first try following this link if you don't receive the message of the bot but my reply saying I've already invited you, a person that had a problem with joining (it appeared for me the blog was invited, but they didn't receive a message) was able to join thanks to following this link - after following it: you should see a "accept invite" on top and then some terms and conditions. after that, you are in!!

[dropintomanga]

AI Can't Be the Whole Solution for Manga

So this week I found out out a Japanese start-up called Orange, who wants to be the Netflix of manga by translating a lot of manga with new apps and tools for the world to fight against online piracy. And to do so, the company will use AI to machine translate all of their manga into English. They also received $20 million USD in funding (one of their investors is Shogakukan) for their goal. This company wants to release up to 500 titles a month at some point.

I honestly don't know how to feel about this.

I read a more in-depth report from Deb Aoki of ComicsBeat and Mangasplaining about this whole startup. There's a lot of tout given by Orange about how this will help the manga industry overseas. Terms like deep learning, accessible content, influencers, reducing cost of localization, etc. are thrown around. Orange already has done some work for Shueisha for some of its MangaPlus titles. While it's apparent that the North American market only gets a small fraction of the manga published in Japan, there's concerns over whether this endeavor will end well.

A good number of manga translators and editors in the North American localization scene have commented on how bad this can be. AI machine translation is far from perfect. While DeepL (a Japanese language translation app similar to Google Translate) is arguably better than Google Translate, there's still errors abound. AI machine translation doesn't seem to be at a stage where you can just show it off to the world and have it translate something like a research paper with context. And even if the translation was good, there still needs to be people to fix errors AI will miss and the jobs to fix those errors don't necessarily pay well since they're the equivalent of "data entry" jobs.

And speaking as someone who reads up on mental health news, AI is not good for picking up nuances and differences that can help people for the better. It's only good for standardizing universal treatments. AI can not be open to the vulnerabilities of other people. One recent story I read last year was about a eating disorder helpline that created a chatbot to help those with eating disorders and how it bombed. There were complaints about how the bot didn't address patients' concerns that they were feeling down or bad about their bodies. Even worse, the chatbot gave some horrible advice by telling people to follow behaviors that led to their eating disorders in the first place. The support staff was fired in favor of the chatbot and while the chatbot was taken down after the complaints, it still left a bad taste in my mouth because mental health problems can never be solved without the human element.

I see this with what's apparently going to happen with manga. I don't see this creating a better world for manga readers. I'm well aware that there are a few professional manga translators in the scene who aren't doing a good job, but I feel they're doing fine for the most part. There's a glaring issue though that most people aren't thinking about - the amount of content we have out there.

We're in a golden age of having so much catered to us that it's ridiculous. Anime, manga, webtoons, video games, board games, music, etc. There's a lot out there. And to have a Japanese startup proclaim that they want to put out up to 500 titles a month, who realistically has the time to read all of them? I wonder if that's the point of these ventures - beat down consumers with so much material to consume that they become apathetic to what's going on behind the scenes.

I do want people to read manga, but I don't want them to become so overwhelmed to the point of burnout and numbness. That's the last thing any manga fan should want. I'm already hearing complaints from my fellow manga peers about the amount of manga we're getting here. It's nice to see bookshelves and libraries filled with manga, but which titles are really being read?

I also think there seems to be no universal standard that EVERYONE can agree with regards to localization. You have the professional side that knows a lot due to being inside the industry, but can be hindered by the Japanese publishing side and pestered by fans who think they know better. And you have the fan side that thinks they know everything because of scanlations and miscellaneous fan translations.

If you're a professional, it's a rough job and I applaud all manga freelancers who do it. Sometimes, I may not agree with the localization choices. But I'm not going to raise a pitchfork and treat them like they're witches. I know a few of those folks in-person and see the human in them.

If you're a fan, you can't expect a very casual reader to understand Japanese terms being spoken out right off the bat. It takes a while to get used to those terms. I'll use myself as an example as a riichi mahjong player. I throw out terms like suji, kabe, mentanpin, ryanmen, etc. to my fellow players. However, if there's an absolute beginner I'm talking to, they will have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

I know some fans are like "Whatever, understanding those terms make me stand out. Yeah, I'm different! Screw the normal world!" But that makes it sound like gatekeeping to a certain degree. It's fine to have that kind of knowledge, but binding it to the very fabric of your identity is not healthy when circumstances change.

Orange seems to want a universal standard for manga translation by incorporating a variety of people into their process, but the fact that people will only be involved AFTER the translation makes me skeptical and the company is being called out for some things on their website. Both professionals and consumers will be screwed here. AI is being pushed so hard by corporations because it can readily applied to real life jobs and regular people in many ways, compared to cryptocurrency/NFTs, which applies only to people with a crap ton of money to spend. I've seen instances of AI usage at the company I work at - some of it good, some of it bad.

But nothing will beat the will and heart of the people. I think that's what scares AI-promoting people. Turning us into total mindless consumers prevents us from being mindful people that want to do right by others. Sure, reading manga makes me happy. But I don't want to be the only one who's happy. I also want people to make informed choices about what to consume.

I also want some people to stop assuming that Japan is the most "anti-woke" country alive out of their rage against localization because it's totally not. Japan has problems and there's people living there speaking out against them. They're "woke" in their own way. I swear that almost everyone who thinks Japan is better than the West hasn't lived there at all and are basing things from a very filtered point of view. I actually feel sorry for them because their lives are just so focused on consuming without thinking for themselves - a perfect market for the AI-pushing crowd.

I'll finish by saying that this AI-powered manga translation venture needs to happen with the right kind of people already on the table through the whole process and where everyone benefits. Everything bad with AI, as far as I've seen, has left people behind with no compassion or empathy. Manga has taught the wonders of compassion and empathy for all and I don't see the Japanese business side of things preaching what their works speak.

[writerinturmoil]

Heartstopper Season 3 Reaction

Just watched Heartstopper Season 3, and I would like to talk about it. (Note: This post contains spoilers.)

This season nearly wrecked my emotions. I cried, I laughed, I held my breath. It dealt with some heavy topics, such as mental health, eating disorders, and grief. Also, I related to some of the themes and topics very strongly.

First, let's look at the topic of grief.

Throughout this season and the last, Tao deals with the loss of his father. He fears losing those in his life whom he loves. I can relate. As a teen, I lost my grandma who I connected with on a deep, personal level. Instead of clinging to those I love as Tao does, I did the opposite. I kept people at a distance for fear of getting hurt by letting them into my life. It took several years of working through the grief and processing my emotions to get over the loss. It wasn't a loss as profound as losing a parent (I couldn't imagine.), but it was the first loss I experienced. It's great to see how much progress Tao has made in these two season. I also like that the show didn't rush through the healing process. Getting over grief doesn't take days, it takes years. And twenty-five years later, I still miss my grandma from time to time.

In addition, I related to the Aro and Ace representation in this show. It's not perfect, but it's a start. 🪼

I like the scene on the beach between Charlie and Isaac. When Charlie doesn't know what aromantic is, Isaac tells him to Google it. That's the same thing I tell people when they don't know what AroAce is. Like Issac, nine times out of ten, I don't feel in the mood to give people a "vocabulary lesson". I'll only explain what AroAce is to medical professionals or family members.

I also like the scene at the zoo where Isaac comes out to his friends as AroAce. It resonated with me deeply and was succinctly written. If only I could express myself as clearly as that, nobody would misunderstand me ever again.

I was disappointed that the ferris wheel scene between Charlie and Tori was altered from the graphic novel, but I understand the reason why it was done. I'm glad we got more from Tori this season. And if there's a season 4 (fingers crossed), hopefully we get even more character development. Maybe even resolve some of her mental health issues. Depression?

Speaking of character development, I like the growth of Imogen. She's slowly finding herself and discovering who she really is. Working though all the messiness of societal expectations vs reality. I truly hope she finds her authentic self.

Another character that needs more development is Isaac. Now that he's worked through his sexuality, maybe we'll get more of his personality. I want to know what his family situation is like. If he has any hobbies other than reading. And what his future hopes and dreams are. He's my favorite character, yet I barely know anything about him.

Last character that I need to know more about is Mr. Farouk. I like his kind yet serious personality. I'd like to know more about his past and special interests. I'd like an entire episode dedicated to this stern but tender character.

Next, let's move on to the trans issues raised in this season.

I like that they included nonbinary representation, for I'm nonbinary myself, specifically agender. In addition, I feel that they handled Darcy's coming out as nonbinary extremely well. Plus, there's Felix. This trans identity is sorely lacking in media, and we definitely need more representation.

Speaking of trans representation, I like that we got to explore Elle's gender dysphoria and the discrimination that she faces. That scene at the radio station was executed so acutely and poignantly. When the interviewer started in with the trans questions, my heart nearly sank into the pit of my stomach. How could anyone think those appropriate questions to ask? Especially given the fact that Elle is a teenager, and this is her fist interview. My heart goes out to her, and while watching that scene, I wanted nothing more than to give her a big hug.

Now, let's move our focus onto the mental health issues covered in this season.

It's good that we got some accurate representation of anorexia and OCD.

Most shows only depict anorexia nervosa affecting teenage girls and young women. It's good getting the message out there that boys can suffer from this disorder as well. It also addresses the fact that not all eating disorders stem from body dysmorphia. Some develop as a result of mental illness or neurodevelopmental conditions, such as schizophrenia, OCD, autism, or sensory processing disorder.

Most shows depict those with OCD counting the number of times they turn on or off a light switch or cleaning obsessively. Some with OCD may do these behaviors, but they're not a prerequisite. People with OCD have varied experiences and presentations. The commonality between all of them being obsessions and compulsions in the form of obtrusive thoughts or harmful behavior, such as self-harm or suicidal ideation. Even though I feel this show does a good job with OCD representation, it could still be expanded upon. They could really get into the obsessions and compulsions, and showcase the ramifications these have on Charlie's life. There's a particularly poignant scene in the novella This Winter. I understand it could not be included due to time constraints, but I hope something like this is included in the future.

I'd also like to see some discussions around neurodivergent conditions, such as autism, ADHD, or AuDHD. I know that Bradley Riches who plays James McEwan has autism. Perhaps, James could have it as well? It could help dispel some of the stereotypes surrounding these conditions. For autism, most people think Sherlock Holmes or Sheldon Cooper. For ADHD, most people think Bart Simpson. And in a show or movie, never did I see someone who has both like me.

Lastly, my final thoughts.

If only I had this show when I was a teenager in the early noughties, I would’ve had the words to describe my experiences much sooner. It wasn't until uni when I had access to the internet that I discovered the words AroAce and agender.

Lastly, as an autistic, I'd hate the only form of communication being a landline phone. I have a hard time understanding someone if I can't see their facial features or body expressions. Also, the person who I'm talking to always sounds like they're either chewing food or speaking in a foreign accent. That's why I prefer to text or dm my friends and family. I guess if I was in that clinic seeking treatment, I'd just have to write them letters or postcards.

Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

[poisonedspider]

LATE NIGHT HEAD CANONS SO I DONT FORGET THEM THIS TIME. Sensitive subjects will be mentioned, so please check the trigger warnings in the tags.

While Angel Dust would never refer to himself as having an eating disorder, because he isn't actively choosing it, he practically does. Valentino wants to keep his body at a certain standard for the business, and even outside of that, he is pushed for hours at a time at work with no breaks and barely gets a chance to eat. I joke that he lives off of iced coffee and cocaine, but I'm not wrong. He loves to eat - a weird thing to say, but he likes food. Trying new things. Loves Italian that reminds him of home. But he often doesn't have access to it, and when he does, he will often eat in minimal amounts both because his stomach can't process having real food like that after a long work day, but also because Valentino's voice is constantly in his head.

I will say, while he is an iced coffee snob, there's nothing better than just a black cup of coffee for him. In a lot of European culture (including Italy), it's very common to have a pure black cup of coffee and a pastry for breakfast. Angel has stuck with this.

Angel's family is directly from Italy. This is why he speaks Italian, because for his parents especially, English was their second language. (Also part of why Angel doesn't have the best proper grammar). They moved to New York before the twins were born so Anthony never officially lived in Italy himself, but a lot of Italian immigrants came to NYC and so there was a large Italian culture he was used to.

Mob life basically took up everything for Anthony. I don't imagine that the Giordano kiddos had very many friends, because it wouldn't be safe for them to do so while in the mafia. No one could know their location out of risk. Most kids are inducted into the mob lifestyle at age 10 or so, starting them off early (I say Anthony was 13). A lot of the time it's easy work at first like running messages, but his dad wanted to toughen him up (he was fragile and feminine), so started him with intense stuff like torture and murder fairly early on compared to most. It's also why Angel is so skilled with guns - he'd used them over half his living days.

I mentioned this before that I wasn't sure what Angel overdosed on but was going between opium and morphine. I'm going with morphine for sure because after doing some research, morphine addiction became severe by the 1930s.

I am a firm believer that Valentino did a lot of work to keep Angel pretty docile and controlled, especially in the beginning. Most of his time he was incredibly drugged up to the point of incoherence, and I also feel that Valentino kept him pretty locked away - he didn't want his star out wandering the streets. I feel like this is why Angel is kind of oblivious to a lot of the going ons in Hell. I always thought it was weird that Angel had no idea who Alastor was, especially since he lived in the damn tower when that whole thing probably went down. But he also had no idea that Husk was an Overlord. Sure he says it's because he 'isn't into politics', but to have not even heard of them? Probably because he was sheltered and drugged out of his mind.