#also some of the phrasing is weird? which is odd bc i never noticed that being an issue in the sub

[memorys-skyscraper]

now hang on

man im watching clips of y8 with the eng dub and its uh. i mean, kasuga and chitose sound alright? robbie daymond makes a decent zhao too (and can sing, damn), but the rest...............

[oh-saints]

Would you write a fluffy imagine for Benji Pavard? Like having a little french session and he kisses reader after they get something right? <3

ahjjsskdkl 🤯🤯🤯 oh to be taught by ben.........

but hope you like it nonny! <3

lesson

French is notorious for being a hard language to master and knowing this, your boyfriend is more than happy to provide an extra motivation for you…

benjamin pavard x you

tw: google-translated French words so pls cmiiw

wc: 0.8k

note: this was fun to write but also the hardest bcs I’ve forgotten the French lessons I had during high school. damn, so old. but anyway, I happen to write this during my layover so this is not yet beta-read.

request still open until tonight & you can submit them here!

it was a rather slow day for ben.

having won another Bundesliga trophy, thomas tuchel granted his players a cut to their slacks for this entire day—knowing his players must’ve celebrated wildly at their favourite local pub till the wee hours in the morning—before continuing another rigorous session tomorrow.

so ben decided to surprise you at home with some of the pastry delicacies you’d come to love from his favourite bakery—which was rather hard, finding an authentic French bakery in munich—and your favourite tub of ice cream. your choice of hangover remedy was odd, he found at first, but now he couldn’t ask for anything else to cure his buzzing head.

ben was expecting you to be sprawled in your working station—which happened to be the coffee table in the living room—with sheets and papers and numbers all over the place, as usual, so he was the one getting surprised at the only sight of your laptop and your hair was not tied in a pucca bun. the latter would’ve meant you were dealing your work with stress and that would’ve been something he could take on well by now.

“gauche means left…” you spoke to yourself as you jotted down the meaning. “droit means right… so that means c'est à gauche du four?” (it’s to the left of the oven)

“c’est à côté de four sounds better, no?” (it’s next to the oven)

you were startled at ben’s voice, the owner placing down his shopping bag at the kitchen island. you panicked instantly—not because you thought it could be somebody else, but that would mean ben just found out about your little secret. the one that you’d been working on since you started dating him six months ago.

“ben!” you jumped to your feet, albeit standing awkwardly because you weren’t ready to reveal the reason why you were enrolling yourself to a French lesson. “I don’t know you’re coming home early.”

“coach dismissed us early,” ben chuckled at your weird stance, noticing your nerves, so instead of getting his usual welcoming embrace from you, he was the one who pulled you to his arms. “too many of his players left their heads at the club.”

fuck your initial thoughts, your mind was being taken over by your favourite scent—ben after showering with a bit of his perfume spray—and your favourite kind of warmth exuding from your boyfriend’s body. naturally, you hugged him back, your hands trying to reach one another at ben’s back.

“never thought you’re picking up French, ma chérie,” he placed a well-positioned kiss on the crown of your head. “tu t’en sors?” (how are you managing?)

“pas trop, non,” not really, you replied and ben smiled wider, despite you not being able to see them. for someone who was previously confused about left and right, you were doing better than average in accent and simple phrases like this. “can you help me out?”

“thought you’d never ask,” and when you flashed him those eyes that reminded him of a lost puppy, he was a goner. he didn’t think he could ever say no to that, so cute he could die. instead of dying, though, he kissed your lips. “what topic are we covering today?”

“I’m having troubles with directions...” you said sheepishly as you sat back down, him following suit. “you know I’m generally not good with them too.”

ben laughed because you were right. you and maps shouldn’t belong in the same room without assistance. but he pecked your cheeks anyway. “but I’m already proud of you figuring out how this whole feminine and masculine thing, just so you know, okay?”

a praise from the native certainly uplifted your mood again. you were on the verge of breaking down before ben stepped into the house because god damn, that was difficult. if you weren’t planning on giving him a surprise for their 1st anniversary, you would’ve given up.

but later, you realised that it was rather ben’s preferred method of teaching. he never scolded you if you got any of the pronunciations or the articles wrong, he just corrected you gently. whenever you nailed a difficult word, you’d always get praises from him. and whenever you figured out a sentence on your own, your boyfriend would always add a kiss at the end of his praise.

“bien joué, ma chérie!” well done, my love and followed by a peck, was the most common form of his praise.

but there was also times when he was truly blooming in joy and proud as you aced a more complicated sentence, both by structure and by grammar, on top of not getting confused between left and right. that was when he slipped in a longer sentence because he knew you love his kisses so much, anywhere everywhere.

“félicitations, mon amour,” he whispered after giving you a longer, deeper, more deserving kiss before diving in again for another peck. “tu l’as bien mérité.” (congratulations, my love. you deserve it.)

you really should’ve asked for his tutelage in the first place instead of subscribing to duolingo if this was what you’d get every French lesson.

[c-kiddo]

caduceus is autistic evidence post :-)

*not an actual theory post, jus headcanons based on canon scenes + some extra thoughts too just kidding im right

Monotone voice, basically never shouts.. like when he said “i dont mean to raise my voice” after speaking at the exact same level consistently..

Kinda talks in a mumbly way and stutters a lot

The way he very often has a very blank, kinda-smiling expression when people are talking to him.. audio processing face

Doesn’t get a lot of jokes, or when he’s being flirted with. also the jokes he does get (and find very funny) are usually very specific (and about death probably, which weirds out tmn a bit lol) or he has to process them for a moment before understanding, which has happened a lot.. he’s like :-3? .... :-0 oh :-D !

Also, a few times he has laughed at odd/inappropriate times. kinda just at nothing or something no one else was laughing at. which is apparenlty quite common for autistic folks to do, bc of like getting a bit lost in ur own thoughts and think of funny things etc.....

Sorta related (to jokes, and things), but he takes so many things literally. like that time when beau jokingly asked if he’d ever met a ghost that didn’t need punching and he thought about it until he had an answer :’). and also when beau said to fjord (about cad) “like, he was living in the middle of the cemetery” and cad was like "Of course i was, thats where the temple is, the middle of the cemetery". 

He notices EVERYTHING... all these tiny details and noises no one else hears... this happens to me and so i have decided to project this onto cads super high perception. 

In Darktow he had to leave that tavern/bar because it got too loud for him and he got stressed n went and sat outside until fjord came looking for him. (also the “lets keep this.. between the amigos” “which part of the body is the amigos?” thing jksnfkjs)

Also that one time in Rexxentrum that he had a bad perception roll? matt described the city and all the colours and shapes being too overwhelming (to the point of almost vertigo) to think clearly and spot where they needed to go.

He says the same phrases A Lot. (which i have recently found out is called Scripting, and applies to a bunch of things.. mostly used by autistic folks to get through conversations.) “that’s nice”,“thats really nice”, “thats so cool”. “that was a lot” are th most common ones i think. he uses them in some instances that are very high emotion too. like, he’ll almost die and then say “wow... that was. that was a lot.” 

Also repeats back new phrases or words he likes (“worth their salt” and “fracas”) ..the echolalia of it all. 

also a moment in the pirate arc where he uses the word "astute" while talking to beau before admitting that he heard someone else say it and is just copying someone and trying to use it too. luckily he used it correctly (and then him and beau both awkwardly run off to do their own things).

Struggles to express emotions outwardly.. for example: he just repeats “thats nice” etc. about everything he likes and loves. the mushroom cookbook jester gives him for example. also he barely makes eye contact with her in that scene and doesnt rly know what to do or say because mushroom! cookbook! thats so nice :')

and also! he doesn’t rly express when he’s uncomfortable, even when he is Deeply deeply uncomfortable, like in the arboretum. He just quietly said they needed to get out, put his head down and didn’t look at the trees, even though he was visibly super shaken. just had to get out of there. (this was of course partly some kind of trauma response too, but it also read as very nd to me)

Also him having a panic attack on the boat, when his entire world view got thrown off.. i choose to think its bc autistic folks tend to think rly black-and-white, rly absolute, a lot of the time. so in this case its “following the destined path of the wildmother” vs “completely off-track and all a huge mistake and should never have left home and its all gone wrong”

Also i think he finds sudden changes scary. he was super shaken about the nein just stealing a whole boat unplanned...and other things similarly unplanned. idk it just had the vibes of if someone took away your routine and everything familiar... and you’re just like free-floating. its hard to function like that 

Also related to that... doesnt like when there isn’t a plan n gets stressed about it. also often the first person to ask the nein to clarify exactly what they’re all going to do/make a plan. (first thing he asks jester when she comforts him on the boat is "miss jester, do you have a plan?" and she doesn't and never has.. he doesnt really get that vry much

He really struggles to explain things that are upsetting to him. tries to speak but can only get th same few words out. yea ik he is super emotionally repressed but i am also looking autistically. 

He doesn’t really understand if people are insulting him. like king dwendal and also eadwulf both said rude things to him and he just replied as polite as he could even tho he was confused.

Cant help himself, gotta correct people about things he knows more about (special interest energy....). like when beau called his graveyard a cemetery and he corrected and explained the difference :’ )

the way he re-explains how his tea grows when its mentioned too. and that he's a maker of fine graves and the work his family does. its like his wee script every single time . he rly cares abt it

Also just his particular brand of strange just reads very autisticly to me. (even his own family think he’s odd. sidenote: clarabelle is autistic too bc i say so.) the way he says odd little phrases that don't quite make sense and things to plants. the way he says what he thinks, to the point of being rude and blunt and invasive sometimes. the way he doesnt give a shit and just wears what he likes. idk :’) makes me happy.

Oh, and relating to him being blunt. I think that a few scenes when he’s said questionable things or given questionable advice is emblematic of that... he says a literal solution. or a solution that makes sense (to his worldview.. faith the the wildmother) and is technically an option, but he doesn’t quite understand the emotional side of why someone does something, or doesn’t do it.

He’s good at fitting into EMT or wise-old-sage mode and outside of that he’s just, kind of awkward and spacey (and silly). like, when his script or role is taken away he tends to flounder a bit. or a lot, sometimes. and just says stuff and seems just as baffled abt what he said too.

Said bluntness and inability to see when his advice is appropriate or not also means that sometimes he is just rude.. he does'nt mean to be but he sometimes oversteps or is just vry blunt in a way that offends people, and doesn't seem to entirely realise either

Just some headcanons but. i think he special interests tea, cooking, and all things surrounding death/burial... he always has things to say about those topics and i think thats neat.

he's so tired a lot of the time, he says it kind of often . which, disability coded to meee. other things but i think also his brain hurts from everything all the time. adjusting . noise. adjusting.

i just know he loves ritual. in making tea, in cooking, in religion and prayer, in gardening, in communing etc etc etc

And lastly, he pat the moss. because :-) stimmy

[creepyleech]

You know what I want?

For Crusade!Era Joe x Nicky to just magically show up in 2020. But this is, like, the Yusuf and Nicolo who had just started travelling together a couple of years ago, because they had nowhere to go.

Anyway so cue them watching with all levels of shock as their modern counterparts turn out to be a fucking couple?? Like??

And THEN we get scenes like the following:

-Yusuf calling Nicky all names under the sun, and saying Joe is disgusting for laying with that filthy invader. Sprinkle that with insults towards Nicolo, with little details of things Joe remember Nicky used to do. Cue Joe shoving Yusuf against a wall at some point, “You are a child. Nicky is a better man that you could ever dream to be. And if you insult him in my presence again, I’ll dump your body in bottom of the Thames.”

-Yusuf realizing that Nicky can understand him and speaks Arabic fluently, when he’s in the middle of muttering curses under his breath and Nicky casually replies to him.

-Nicolo, who had spent the past year filled with guilt re: the crusades, goes to Joe and they have a heart to heart and Nicolo cries and begs for forgiveness. Joe just holds him and says he understands. That he forgave him a long time ago. Nicky, who had come to fetch Joe for dinner, looks at them with a mixture of sadness and relief; he remembers going through that.

-Nicolo going to Nicky and talking about all his catholic guilt. Nicky telling him “I can’t tell you what to believe. But I believe in nothing but the love I feel for my family, and the love I have for Joe.”

-Yusuf telling Joe he has a weird accent. Joe saying “I’m speaking your language to you out of courtesy.” And then he just immediately switches to the Arabic/Ligurian dialect that he and Nicky use for each other, and refuses to switch back for the rest of the night. This leaves Nicolo and Yusuf to talk to each other, instead.

-Nicky cooks one of Joe’s favourite foods, which is Yusuf’s favourite. Yusuf admits, only to himself and in his head, that that is the best he’s ever had. He eats seconds and thirds. Joe eyes him with a smug smile and he just walks away in a huff.

-Joe and Nicky are in bed, talking. Joe tells him that he can’t stand Yusuf. “He’s so righteous. He thinks he knows everything. I remember that rage, I remember how cruel I was to you for so many years. Long after you stopped being cruel to me. Long after you tried your best to offer olive branch after olive branch. I just- I hate him. I hate that I hurt you so much, for so long.” And they cry and hold each other and thank the universe for who they are now. Nicky asks him to have some empathy for the man he used to be. Yusuf had lost his brothers, his family, everything he’d ever known, because of men like Nicolo. Nicolo had chosen to take up the cross and go and invade a foreign land. Yusuf’s hate was justified, and it would eventually come to an end. They cannot undo the past.

-Yusuf feels- resentment? Anger? Jealousy? Because he seems to be the odd man out. Because Joe is so kind to Nicolo, and Nicolo acts like he’s trying so hard to please Joe in return. Nicolo did that sometimes, with him. Tried to offer a truce. But Yusuf had no interest in taking Frank scum as a friend. He doesn’t know why it bothers him to see them like that. He doesn’t know why it bothers him that Nicky doesn’t try to engage him. He wishes he would, so he could yell back. Nicolo’s Arabic rivals that of a child. It’s hard to argue and yell at someone who can’t understand you. Nicky would understand him, though. He could tell Nicky in fine detail, exactly why he hates him so much.

-Nicky is cooking again, and Yusuf quietly sits and watches. Nicky doesn’t comment on it, but asks him to pass the salt, if you could.

-They read in the same room, all four of them. Joe and Nicky have no shame in lying piled on top of each other. Yusuf engages in some nice hate watching, and Nicolo is just overall uncomfortable. They leave the couple alone and share a few words in the kitchen, bonding over the strangeness of it all.

-Sparring turns into a blood bath. It’s just a lesson in sword fighting at first. With Yusuf and Nicolo genuinely interested in learning from men of such skill. And then it turns into Joe going way too hard on Yusuf after he (maybe) accidentally hurts Nicolo. After a snide comment or two (bc Yusuf has a death wish aparently) Joe loses his patience and attacks him. Nicky is the one that gets in between the two and gets hurt defending Yusuf, which Joe feels terrible about. But afterwards, it’s Yusuf who comes to Nicky and offers a begrudging apology.

-Don’t ask me how, but Yusuf or Nicolo or both get a glimpse of Joe and Nicky either having sex or starting to. If it’s on purpose or not, only I and god will ever know.

-After the sparring chaos, Yusuf and Nicky have a quiet truce where they cook together. One day, Yusuf speaks up. “I hate you,” he says and then he doesn’t stop. He gets it all out. All his feelings and his anger and how dare you come to my people and slaughter them like animals and then ask me to sit by your side, eating dinner as if we’re brothers. And once he’s done, Nicky says “You’re right.” And Yusuf deflates. Nicky tells him that the crusades were wrong, and that Yusuf is allowed his anger, and that Nicolo already knows he was wrong. It changes nothing, and yet it changes everything.

-Yusuf starts seeing Nicolo through the colours of Nicky’s words. He sees the guilt and the pain and the reluctance. He also sees the resignation. Nicolo expects nothing from Yusuf but harsh words; not only that but deep inside he feels they are deserved. And they are! But Yusuf didn’t think he knew that. But he does. He does. And maybe-

-It’s easier, somehow, to not be so cruel all the time. But it feels like betrayal in way. A betrayal to his people and his brothers. That he’d forget what the enemy’s done. That he’d see the enemy as anything other than the monsters who took what was not theirs. But it’s easier. It’s easier to ask Nicky what that spice is called. And to correct Nicolo when he pronounces a word wrong. And to get him a glass of water when he’s gotten one for himself.

-Joe doesn’t forgive him. Forgive him-? Joe doesn’t like him, is the thing. But one day, Yusuf goes to him and they sit outside, and they drink wine, and Yusuf asks him how he could look his mother in her eyes, knowing that he was walking the earth arm in arm with one of the men who killed her sons. And Joe remembers thinking that. Joe thinks of Booker and betrayal and lying in bed with one’s enemies. What Joe says is, “You cannot change what’s happened. You cannot die. Nicolo cannot die. You are bound to him, and he to you.” He pauses and looks directly at Yusuf. “Are you the same man you were yesterday? Have you never made mistakes? No one feels the guilt of the crusades as deeply as Nicolo does. You do not have to forgive him. But you need to let him show you that he can change. That he already has.”

-That night, Joe calls Booker. It’s the first time they’ve spoken in a decade.

-Months go by, and Yusuf asks Nicky to teach him some Ligurian words. Nicky doesn’t comment on the significance of it. He sits down, grabs a book, and reads to him.

-It’s about s year since they had landed in the 21st century, and Yusuf comes to Joe with a request. And that’s how Joe sits between the two of them, playing interpreter. It’s the first real conversation that Nicolo and Yusuf have ever had. Their voices raise and at one point Yusuf gets up in anger, but he comes back and sits down and tries again.

-Nicolo’s Arabic becomes passable. He speaks to Joe extensively every day. Yusuf has to admit, it’s impressive. Yusuf knows all but a couple dozen phrases in Ligurian, but every time he speaks them, Nicolo stares at him with something quiet, intense.

-They don’t mind the affections between Joe and Nicky anymore. It’s become common place. If tension grows between Nicolo and Yusuf, neither speak of it. When Yusuf and Joe are alone, Joe is unbearably smug about it. He never says it, but Yusuf can read the expression on his own face.

-Joe and Nicky leave for a mission. They’ll be gone a week. Nicolo and Yusuf now have the words to speak to each other and, without an audience, they do so freely. They argue a lot. Nicolo cries and Yusuf cries and they drink themselves into peace again. But like magnets, they find each other much as their counterparts have. It’s messy and confusing, but it just- fits.

-It’s almost as if Joe and Nicky had to be there to say goodbye. Because they come back, and they notice the shorter space between Yusuf and Nicolo. Nicky’s mouth twitches in one of his small smiles, but Joe just huffs a laugh and says something in his dialect that Yusuf cannot understand. And if they wait for Joe and Nicky to retire before they allow themselves to sit close to one another again, no one needs to know. And if they bring their cots together in the night, no one needs to know. But that’s how they rise again, back to their home. And it’s bright out and it’s quiet, and there’s no tv and no electric lights and no radio. And Yusuf and Nicolo know that the hard work starts now, but they’re gonna be ok.

Ok fuck I accidental turned this into a compete fic outline and now IM ACTUALLY CONSIDERING WRITING IT fuck it was just suppose to be a head canon. Fuuuuuck.

[theshinsun]

A-Z for honesty hour because I'm an asshole. :D

A - If I’m in love.

...yes. I never thought I would be again, I thought I’d been too hurt and jaded to feel this way again, but against all odds, I’m back to being 17 in full force.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

The only one who ever calls me is my mother. And customers at work.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

damn, almost a year now… not since my last relationship ended back in October-ish. even then, it was mostly casual pecks idk if we ever seriously made out tbh.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls.

already answered (twice) but I'll keep going… I've got a definite preference of guys over girls, but I'm also a bi disaster and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense why this person is instantly attractive to me while that person isn't. certain aspects of femininity do appeal to me, but weirdly other aspects seem to be a turn-off and I can't always put my finger on what or why. ...that caveat does not apply to masculinity though, even if it's traditionally "masculine" features on a feminine-presenting individual I am 100% down every time.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

two and a half? I got a third piercing at some point halfway up the lobe but it got infected and scarred over I think. the holes I do have are also stretched (I'm up to 0G now) and I've been meaning to get some more.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

wasn't given any options, so I guess I'll go with hot or cold lol. I prefer hot, I'm one of those weirdos who loves summer because of the heat and I'll usually take a hot food/drink over a cold one.

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

my mom, over the phone just now.

H - The last person I hugged.

my roommate. we're not always super touchy-feely with each other but I've been feeling kind of down and she noticed.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

I'm not usually a very jealous person, but the last time I really felt that way… I'd recently broken up with my ex, and they were sitting on someone else's lap and I… felt things. part of the reason I realized I may have made a mistake.

J - Are you insecure. What about?

K - What my full name is

already answered, my first and middle are Jacob Brooks, I'm not putting my last name out there sorry I don't trust like that.

L - If I have siblings.

already answered, I've got two, an older brother and a younger sister.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I mean, I forgive but I don't forget, ya know? like I'll accept an apology if it's sincere and welcome the person back and never bring it up again, but I'm probably gonna be cautious around them in the future, and not trust them as readily as I would have before.  

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

if I call someone my friend it means I really feel close with them, and I treat my friends basically like my family. I try to always be honest and supportive of them, bc I love and appreciate them and just want them to be happy. 

O - If I like my school.

I love my school. the campus is beautiful, the teachers are fantastic, and I just love being there and learning and growing in my classes. I'm really sad this semester is probably going to be mostly online because I really feel like I belong in those studios and on that campus and I miss it.

P - What kind of music I like.

already answered, and it mostly boiled down to all over the fuckin place, so this time… band recommendations, here we go. no you have no say in this.

here, have a clump of random favorite bands off the top of my head: mother mother, bad suns, nothing but thieves, hozier, shearwater, the neighbourhood, steam powered giraffe, rainbow kitten surprise, the oh hellos, gregory alan isakov, caravan palace, mystery skulls, khai dreams, autoheart, muse, silversun pickups, thousand foot krutch, two door cinema club, twenty one pilots, blue october, jukebox the ghost

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

I'm not a partier at All, but I did have a bunch of friends over for the 4th (okay I say a bunch but it was like four people from our usual less-socially distant circle). I have no idea when the next get-together will be, it's kinda hard to plan those kinds of things lately.

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

the phrasing of this question is weird but I'm gonna assume it means things I'm curious about? let's go with that.

travel. I haven't ever been out of the country and I'd like to see other parts of the world at least at some point in my life.

tattoos. both getting them and learning to do them, it's a niche branch of art that I'm just fascinated by and I might like to do it as a career if I knew more about it.

same thing with being a florist. I'm really drawn to it as a concept and I'm super curious how it works, but I have no idea what kind of… qualifications and whatnot I'd need for that.

 surfing. I'm surrounded by the lifestyle and now kind of own a surfboard, I just want to know what the appeal is.

this may be a bit tmi, but I'm really curious what it's like to have a dick. I don't suppose I'll strictly ever know, but I still really want to… probably one of the biggest things to clue me in that I'm definitely trans is the literal penis envy ngl. 

I've always kind of had a fascination with the ocean, and I'd love to go like, scuba diving or something someday, to see it up close and personal.

I think everyone has the impulse thought of shaving their head at some point. maybe someday I will I don't quite have the balls to do it now.

I've gone this long in my life and never wielded a sword? a travesty. I don't pretend to have the grace to actually know how to use one, but I've like, never even held a real one and the idea interests me a lot.

this one might be slightly morbid curiosity, but I don't think I've ever been like, properly drunk or high before, like I've been tipsy but I've never been wasted, you know? the idea kind of scares me and I don't think I'm going to go out and remedy it, but it's still there, and even if I know it's not a good idea, I do still wonder what that's like.

same vein, maybe even a little darker, but I've got at least a little morbid curiosity about like, death and real danger. again, not planning to act on it At All, but the thought is still lurking in the back of my mind like what if…? you asked for honesty.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

S - 2 habits.

bit of a new habit, but I have a whole ritual of disinfecting groceries when I bring them home, and then disinfecting the door knobs and counters. I don't know if it'll persist after the pandemic is over, but it's already ingrained in me and I don't feel comfortable if I skip it or do  it differently.

I apologize for things that aren't my fault. it's such an instinct at this point to say "sorry" when I'm uncomfortable or anxious that it doesn't even register anymore, even when people tell me not to be sorry, I'm still gonna say it, sorry.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

already answered so here's 5 more

my family. if I haven't got my family I haven't got anything, we've got each others' backs and I won't turn on them for anything

my friends. same deal, I owe so much to my friends, I love them, and that won't change no matter what they decide to do or be.

sleep. I love sleep so much, even if it's just an involuntary nap, though for someone who loves it so much I sure don't get enough of it

spotify. I know it has problems, I know there are probably more streamlined/cheaper music streaming services out there, but at this point, I've sunk too much of my time and energy into this one and I'll never give it up

my ocs. I don't talk about them very much on this platform, but I have them, they're my children, and I love them even if they're assholes and never easy to write/draw. 

U - How many texts I send daily.

already answered, the number varies, and sometimes swings drastically between like, 5 and 35 on any given day.

V - 3 big dreams.

graduate art school. it's gonna be a serious undertaking and probably take several more years and a lot of loans at this point, but I'm still determined to get there someday.

someday I want to write a book. I know I've said that before on a different prompt, but it wouldn't be a list of dreams without including this one that I've held onto since childhood. 

this one's kind of vague, but someday… I want to not be afraid anymore. like I want to finally be in a state of mental/financial security so I can live my life without the fear of what's coming next. 

W - An idol.

it's probably really basic to list a youtuber, but I've still gotta go with Chase Ross. the guy was an inspiration and a major source of information and support for me early-on in my transition, and even watching him now I still want to approach life with the pure positive energy and confidence that he has. 

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

yes. a couple things, really… some of which I don't think I'll ever be able to make up for.

Y - If I like my town and why.

my current town? yeah, it's got its problems but it's also beautiful and full of life and art and unique energy and I miss the days before the Corona End Times when I could actually go out and enjoy it.

Z - Ask any question you want.

??? I did not receive any specification for this one, and given that I didn't skip even the duplicate answers and this is ridiculously long, this one I'm gonna SKIP.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Sasha/Tyreese Theory: Update

So this theory started circulating clear back after Season 5. I did one iteration of it here: X, X. But even back then, I wasn’t sure I entirely bought it. 

The theory merely states that something weird went down that had to do with Beth after Coda and had something to do with Sasha and Tyreese. The original theory sent to me said that Sasha secretly knew Beth was still alive but didn’t tell anyone. That never rang true to me. It makes Sasha a total douche bag for one. I just don’t believe if Sasha thought Beth was alive she would ever hide it from the group. She would have no reason to. And secondly, if TF, especially Daryl, thought there was any chance at all that Beth was alive, even after the fact, they would have gone back and found her.

But I understand where the theory comes from. The evidence we have definitely suggests something weird. 

1) First there’s Tyreese’s over-the-top guilt. 

It’s one thing to have guilt, what with it being his plan to do the prisoner exchange, which lead to her death. But still, Ty is level-headed enough to know that it wasn’t actually his fault. Not in any way that could have been helped, or that he purposely brought about or should blame himself for. For him to have the same level of guilt about Beth as about Lizzie and Mica is odd to me.

2) Then there’s Daryl’s body language toward Sasha at Ty’s funeral. Still one of the saddest and most compelling things ever, imho. 

Her brother just died–something Daryl can definitely identify with–and he won’t even look at her. He turns his back to when he hands her the shovel. I mean, ouch. And the show doesn’t give us any obvious reason why Daryl would specifically be angry with Sasha. It obviously has everything to do with his grief over Beth, but you would think they would bond over that. Daryl acts like he can’t stand the sight of Sasha.

Finally…

3) We have the weirdo conversation between Sasha and Father Gabriel in 5x16 where he talks about her sacrificing one of their own, and how Tyreese was a big part of it. They’ve still never explained what the hell he was talking about there. 

Plus there’s a sequence where a picture of a white cypress (I think) tree is shot by Sasha’s bullet bc she and Father Gabriel are fighting over the gun. Feels like a parallel of Beth accidentally being shot.

So…what’s up with Sasha and Tyreese?

Well, we don’t know. And won’t until the show deigns to explain it to us. But @boltthrutheheart and I have noticed some interesting things to add to this theory during our recent re-watch.

1) @boltthrutheheart noticed that when we first see Sasha in 3x09, when she and Tyreese first discover the prison, Sasha is trying really hard to leave someone behind. Remember this lady? 

She’s been bitten and Sasha insists that they should leave her. She’s slowing them down and going to turn anyway. Tyreese talks Sasha out of leaving the woman behind and they end up taking her with them into the prison. The point is, if Gimple went back and built on earlier arcs, then Sasha would be the obviously choice for a leaving-Beth-behind arc.

2) I also thought about Sasha and Ty’s interaction at the Big Spot. It was a happy conversation. He says, “Was there ever a time you weren’t the boss of me?” She laughs and answers, “Yeah, the few years before I was born.” Typical sibling stuff, but it does suggest that Ty always does what Sasha says. Even as adults, he usually follows her lead, which I think is significant. Maybe he knew something or agreed to something against his better judgement.

3) Then there’s the conversation I noted during the re-watch of 4x04. Sasha and Hershel in her cell:

“I don’t believe in magic or luck. I do the math. And I don’t gamble. But I don’t know if I’d be here right now if you weren’t so damn stupid.”

See, Sasha is always logical about things. She calculates their best chance of survival and goes with that. She doesn’t make decisions with her heart very often, and that is a failing on her part.

Then there’s the luck bit. Remember how Beth talked about Edwards being “lucky”? And she’ll survive. But Sasha doesn’t believe in luck. See the problem there?

(Btw, I think Sasha finally managed to marry both sides of this in 7x16. She used her head to figure out what to do, but her heart to sacrifice herself for her family. She finally overcame this tendency to be logical rather than emotional. What a great way to end her arc and even mirror the beginning (in S3) in a subtle way!)

4) More evidence of this comes in Sasha and Bob’s convo after the prison goes down. 

She keeps talking about how they should be doing something more practical than looking for Glenn, like finding food. She uses phrases like, “the odds of us finding him…” etc. So we see her not wanting to be emotional and look for a member of the team, but being practical and leaning toward survival, rather than sentimentality.

All of this suggests that my original reaction to this theory–that Sasha would not have left Beth–may be wrong. However, I maintain that Sasha was not as cold hearted as it makes her sound. I think if she had any inkling that Beth was actually ALIVE, she would have told someone.

You’ve got to remember that, at the point we’re talking about here–after Grady when TF ran into a hoard of walkers and were forced to leave Beth behind in a car, planning to come back for her later–TF were already firmly convinced that Beth was dead. They’d seen her be shot in the head, and nothing different would have crossed anyone’s mind, including Sasha’s.

So, working off the original theory, which I was not by far the first to post about, here’s what I’m envisioning:

TF leaves Beth in a hatchback car, planning to come back and bury her properly once the herd passes. They tear Daryl–who’s most likely having an epic meltdown–away, and make a run for it. Sasha just so happens to be bringing up the rear.

(Btw, I think we have some evidence for this in the show. Remember this unexplained scene: I’ve always thought this was them running to the cars right after having left Beth behind. Notice how Daryl is near the front of the group with Rick. (And that makes sense too because whenever Daryl suffers a major loss he goes into robot mode, and in that mode, he’s a very capable survivor. So he’s at the head of the group, bow in hand, ready to take on any threat, and perhaps even hoping for one he can vent his emotions on.) 

Sasha, you’ll notice, is at the back. She’s the last person we see in this scene. And understand we don’t by far see every character in this 2 second scene. But I think the ones we saw and the order they were placed in was by design. This might show that Sasha was bringing up the rear and that was significant.)

Back to the theory: As they leave, Sasha looks down into the car where Beth lays and sees movement. Again, I don’t think she’d take this as a sign that Beth was alive. I think she’d see this as Beth turning into a walker. And that, Sasha would have no problem sacrificing.

She knows she should tell the group Beth was turning, should call them back to put her down. But they’re already leaving and the walker horde is probably on top of them. As Sasha told Hershel, she calculates the odds and doesn’t gamble. If she thought there was any chance one of them could die by telling them Beth was moving, she wouldn’t have done it. She made a judgement call, trying to keep TF alive, especially after the devastation of Grady, and her recently losing Bob. And again, with no notion at all that Beth might actually be alive.

Plus, all the same logic that TF used to decide to leave Beth behind to begin with applies here. They’re going to come back for her. She won’t be able to get out of the car, nor can anything get in. If she’s turned when they come back, they can put her down then. No big deal. Of course that wasn’t the case. TF came back and Beth was gone.

At that point, most of TF would have been like, “What the actual hell? She was shot in the head.”

Then Sasha confesses that she’d seen Beth move and that Beth probably turned. So Daryl will go looking for Beth, to put her down and bury her. I’m sure they thought that, being a walker she couldn’t have gotten far. 

(I think the fact that we saw them searching for Walker Sasha in 7x16 also proves this; they didn’t know where she’d gotten to after the battle, so the entire group went looking for her until they found her. This is something TF does.) 

Of course in Beth’s case, someone (*coughs Morgan*) had taken her out of the area completely and back to Grady, so TF doesn’t find her. Eventually Rick puts his foot down and tells Daryl they have to move on.

This, of course, is only a theory, and some (or all) of the details will probably be wrong. But this is the only thing that, to me, adequately explains Daryl’s body language toward Sasha at Ty’s funeral. He would have been upset because, when all was said, done, and lost, Sasha got to bury both Bob and Tyreese. Daryl didn’t get that with Beth.

And I’ve always said I honestly don’t think Daryl is hating on Sasha here. 

It’s more like he’s just so sad that he can’t bear to look her in the face. As when Andrea shot him in S2, he would know that what Sasha did, she did to protect the group. It wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t heinous. And Daryl is very forgiving about that kind of thing.

In the same way we saw Daryl being angry at Rick in 5b, I think he was bound to be bitter toward Sasha for a while, even if he knew it wasn’t her fault and she hadn’t done it on purpose. The sad thing is, I can’t think of another time through 7x16 that we actually see Daryl and Sasha interact in a significant way. Doesn’t seem like their friendship really survived this.

Sasha, of course, redeemed herself in 7x16, if she even needed any kind of redemption. It’s interesting bc, if they had shown us this (and assuming it’s at all correct) in the right order, chances are at least some of the fandom would have been angry with Sasha. Tptb showed us Sasha’s redemption before they showed us what Daryl was angry with her about. Gonna be pretty hard to be mad at her when we finally find out what went down, given both Beth’s return and the fact that Sasha died for TF.

So what about Tyreese? Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe Ty was part of it. Maybe he saw it too, or Sasha showed or told him.

I still think we’re missing huge chunks of story here. Father Gabriel talked about Bob being consumed because of Sasha’s sins, which makes me think something about this goes all the way back to Terminus. I suppose he could have simply meant that Ty told everyone he’d killed Martin, when he hadn’t. But still. I feel like there are things about this that TD hasn’t even remotely hit on yet.

But this makes the most sense, and after seeing Sasha’s arc wrap up, and re-watching some of the early stuff Gimple put in or might have used to build her arc from S4 on, this is really making a lot of sense, now.

Oh, for those who read my Re-watch/Update post of 4x08, I mentioned a line that sort of gave me chills. I think it goes well with this theory. After leaving Glenn on the bus to look for Beth, Maggie runs over to Bob and Sasha and yells,

“Sasha, have you seen Beth!?!”

Maybe it’s nothing. Coincidental. Or it may be a really tragic, subtle yet epic foreshadow of what’s to come. Just thought I’d throw it out there. ;D

Thoughts?