#also some bad news funnnn

[uupdirector]

Today has been a great Christmas - probably one of the best I've had in so long. Wonderful fair share of gifts given and received, and I couldn't imagine having a better one in my life until now. While it was certainly great to spend time with my family, today... I had a rather positive emotional episode, feeling absolute joy for the holiday when I thought it was all but dampened at first. I actually cried in tears of joy - letting out all of my emotions at once. It was.... legitimately unexpected, and it made me even more excited for the rest of the day - even now as I'm typing this, I can't get over how raw it all felt, and I'm happy to feel something of this level after so long.

And that all extents to a very special gift - one I prepared for more than a month in advance... and it was for myself.

Folks, I'm happy to say that in preparation for my plans next year, I have gifted myself a Lenovo LOQ laptop - one that will allow me to bring better possibilities for creating content on my channels. It's a very big step, as it not only gives me a chance to bring that creative process wherever I go, but also shows what I'm truly capable of now that I have a full-time job, and after all that's happened this year, I saw it fitting to make this my reward after taking this well-deserved break.

Now, for some, this scenario may sound familiar to you all, and I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't any caveats to this special treat, and unfortunately one of them came up as of today. Turns out I was possibly given another special gift (nondiscrimitively); Covid! :'D

Yyyyyyup, got it while I was away yesterday, and miraculously the symptoms started coming up as of today (a Christmas miracle lol), once again putting a damper on my mood because sickness is just so much fun. So yeah, there's that. Don't wanna jinx anything just yet, but I'll make it through this regardless. Thank God I got mood tea for Christmas too - that's what woke up my spirits before, and I'm probably gonna be drinking tons of it. =_=

All that aside though, the other caveats of getting this new laptop stems from just how little time I have nowadays to work on things, but given I don't have to be in the same spot every day when doing so, i imagine this will increase my productivity a TON, so at least there's a positive there. Additionally, there's also the off chance this may not change anything for me immediately. But that's what therapy is for - and I'm still very glad I finally started it, because I imagine it will give me the push I need, especially after a good day like this, and I don't want to end it on a negative note because I feel like crap physically.

With that said, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas or Holiday season - despite my own setbacks as of recent, I had a wonderful one, and I know it's one I'm not going to forget. Take care of yourselves, and here's to the new year! Much love, folks! 💙

[manzaza]

perirep with airpods promoting mY WHOLE REVIEW OF THE NEW WISH SOUNDTRACK BECAUSE OHHHHH MY GOD IT GOES SO SO SO HARD (under cut feel free to listen here (also on apple music + yt do in fact give it a listen please yay) !!)

theme song (all the singing songs)

— although i can never truly let go of the og the new theme song will always be a bop

— so upbeat, so happy !!!

new yorkity york

— hazel’s va is such an amazing singer PLEASE if there’s a season 2 give them a musical episode there are not enough musicl numbers

party possum’s friendship song

— better than the chuck e cheese one i heard in the theater earlier lollllllll

— the live band version ate i liked the difference

— unhinged version was so fun the nickelodeon drummer ate up

lovely love song

— still haven’t watched this episode (i was shopping when it aired oops)

— hazel was so silly idk what happens i just remember cupid being there (idk if he was in this at the end that might’ve been hazel’s dad)

i love fries

— HAZEL’S VA SLAYING AGAIN !!!!!

— banger song so real live laugh love fries

— cosmo + wanda contributed yay let them sing

time loops

— addiction,,,,, brainrot even,,,,,,,,,

— cosmo and wanda singing yayyy !!!

— the actual little yay at the end was so silly got a good chuckle

proud of my son — dubstep remix

— this was actually the funniest thing to watch i had this episode pulled up in a panera’s and i was just staring at it like “bro just took over the world for THIS”

— dev is ten so it does make sense

— almost

a new wish (yay background music !!)

— i love all the jazz in the ost just soooo so good

— reminds me of a sam and max kinda intro

— listening to this + the rest just makes me want a video game for ANW so so bad it would genuinely be so much fun to play (will genuinely plot out a tumblr post for this idea)

fly hazel

— banger warmup vibes in the intro

— love how some of the insteuments give like a fly-feeling gimmick (cause she’s a fly)

— little intro chord at the very end eats up

teacher’s pal

— might be one of my fav tracks

— nickeloxeon pianist and saxophonist are eating uppp

— 1:15 was so good

— nickelodeon symphony when

fearless

— somewhat out of place but still fits in with the show vibes

— very lurking

— fnaf 3 am jumpscare (idk i see more poppy playtime in this despite never watching or knowing anything about poppy playtime

— very cheerful kinda scary at the end (yay jasmine!!!)

wellingston hotel

— i rlly like hotel music play this at a marriott hotel NOW

— still haven’t seen this episode (i’m dying to watch it i need to see winn’s introoooo)

— sudden rich person music change

— love you nickelodeon saxophonist !!!!

dev dimmadome

— classic dev intro

— 0:54 is so cruel just label this project h whyyyyyyyy

— just sheer pain in the middle but then they remebered at the end “oh yeah he’s ten���

— it gets so intense at 1:30 broooooo

fairy heist

— i love spy music

— little dev-ness in the middle with the certain gimmick in his track (i might be crazy for this one but idk the “waeahwow” reminded me of something from his track + i think this was in the breaking into school scene idk)

prime meridian love

— literal anime ost

— eats with the dramatic intro

— it faintly reminds me of an ok ko track but just slightly at the beginning of some of the melodies idk might be crazy for this one too

peri and irep

— no way.

— actually no way.

— ship interacts once and they get their own song.

— the twist at the beginning of the track was so hype like the beat is just constantly at odds during this song (and because i’m just like that i have the track times put down too when they swap)

— to not make this any longer the noticeable parts after their intros are like 0:50–1:02 is peri-sounding and then 1:03–1:18 is irep-sounding and from then on their themes are always at a clash with more differences spotted at the end

— will say i love irep’s part at 0:32 and 1:03 that’s so funnnn ahh

— the little villainous laugh at like 1:50 was silly

— the little theme at 3:00 ahhh !!!!!

— might be another fav……. yeah def another fav my airbuds says so

viozalea

— feels so medieval at first and i love it

— quick just like viozalea’s appearance (rip)

rattlleconda

— fire western theme

— still in character with the show the beat was firee

— the soft violin gahhh sheer joy

— intense pressure put on at the end ate

love and games

— rock paper scissors core

— me when rock paper scissors

— wait i actually never watched the valentines episode

— uhhhhhhh second half might be rock paper scissors

— BANGS

— love u Nickelodeon drummer

battle of wands (FINALE)

— shut up this is too glorious of a melody

— ok intense

— oh might’ve just hit one million wishes idk how this song is following the episode

— the chaos in the rhythm eats

— littlt theme at 2:30 aghhhh won

— peri lying dead right after again idk how the episode paces through songs i can spot little scenes here and there

— banged

— little clock beat ahh the happiness

— can’t even tell what happened but good finale

OVERALL i really enjoyed the soundtrack i love how it tries and takes you through the course of the episode and it’s so so fun!! almost feels like video game music sometimes which is so so good for them like YES drop a new wish video game it would be so good !!!!

[mochatea-bunny]

hello welcome to me and my blog ^^

heres what you can expect from my posts

swearing

hyperfixations

au's that may or may not be left to die

ships

hard to swallow opinions (this is just in case)

random oc's

maybe gore but def blood

so ya funnnn also more bout my au's

harvest heart au

monster's in the dark au (mitd)

you can ask questions to my harvest heart au but not mitd as im not happy with it rn (its story keeps changing cuz im bad at sticking with one idea)

ppl in harvest heart you can ask questions to

harvest moon (aka jack-o-moon)

moon

sun

monty

dj mm

???

???

ppl in general you can ask questions to

meeee

Neptune (oc)

zodie (sona)

mocha (sona)

(note im still new to tumblr and some things i dont know how to do so please bare with me)

[lazywriter-artist]

🤍✈

List can be found here for any more asks

Heheh funnnn :3

Idrk if you wanted any oc in particular but I’ll yap abt ock some bc I like him hehehe

🤍 - Three of your character’s neutral/questionable traits

Hm, a fun thought experiment for ock bc u haven’t thought about too many in such a light X)

The main one that comes to mind is how clingy he is, it’s not always unbearably so but it can get bad at times. It isn’t often, and it’s definitely not common as ock dislikes strongly using his abilities for ‘bad’ things, but he once used his ability to dominate another’s mind and puppeteer them to prevent the man from leaving his side and being dismissed after a few months aboard Huntsmann’s ship. It took Huntsmann and berny trying to talk him down to have him finally realse the poor man. Ock isn’t a fan of people he loves being put in harms way, since as far as it goes it’s never really ended well for him. It’s a trait he’s definitely trying to make better but it’s very difficult for him.

Next is his shyness I suppose, he’s a very sort of paradoxical character as a reclusive figure too anxious to directly interact (hence why he uses his telepathy for communication most of the time when possible) but one who longs so very deeply for any sort of connection he seeks it in just about everyone willing to tolerate his silent little form shivering behind them.

Finally for this one I suppose is u g h

He can be a bit emotional at times- (sometimes VERY emotional-) so when he’s not being a shivering ball of anxiety his fluctuations have no set ways or anything of doing so.

✈️ - Does your Oc like travel or do they consider themselves a home body?

Ock definitely likes to travel! While it means he’s gotta muscle through some pain if they stumble across some areas with large crowds (telepath struggles for eel) he loves being and seeing new places as well as meeting new friends! (He must be watched or else he’s brining 30 new rats onto the ship smh)

✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨☀️✨

@ocherednoe-dno asks

💯 - share three random facts about your oc others might not know!

1) ock has a lot of little odd hobbies here and there to kill time when he’s say, experiencing one of huntsmann’s out bursts and finds himself locked in his chambers, of these hobbies ock has two major ones he’s taken a big liking to! Sewing and towel folding! They’re good things to make cuddly little friends and populate his imaginative play families.

2) kind of connecting with the earlier note Ock really likes playing with toys and things (escapism + comfort & hence why he picked up sewing) so it’s not uncommon to find him playing at someone’s feet (normally will’s sometimes Huntsmann’s) with his days plushie of choice or in his room shuffling through his massive plushie collection (some made some gifted!) to rearrange the little friends or play toys

3) Ock Is a very stunted little guy (he’s tiny in stature and build, he’s very naive, ect.) and this is included in his voice. Despite being about 18-20 for most of the ‘recent’ story, he’s got a very young sounding voice (in my mind he sounds like a young Bambi just perhaps with a slight British accent to it as Huntsmann has raised him after all and that man’s got space British thick.) mixed with his small timid stature and his very nervous tendencies those not used to him very commonly mistake him for being a lot younger than he actually is

🖤 - has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?

Ig this could also count as a fun fact people might not know but, Ock has killed a man and it haunts him— Ock, unsurprisingly, isn’t a very violent little guy and doesn’t really use his abilities to harm all that much if he can avoid it. So imagine his surprise when, at huntsmann’s demand, he is forced to execute a man with his abilities. He was reassured the man was a heretic and that he deserved the emperors hand, but it didn’t stop the screams of the man or the pleads both internal and external that Ock had to listen to during hurt any less. Broke the poor little guy for months, he was shut down for a while that even Will couldn’t really get him out of it and really still comes back to haunt him from time to time (it was mostly a measure by Huntsmann to A. Really get a feel for Ock’s abilities and B. See how willing Ock was to use them for harming others among other things-)

Mh, I think he’s maybe broken someone’s trust before, mmm I think perhaps a guardsman or acquaintance or two upon the whole being an inquisitor’s psyker ordeal. Definitely has pushed a few people away even if it’s a bit out of his control

💔 - what are three of your oc's negative traits?

U h hm. Honestly a toughie for ock— shockingly I don’t think I’ve given him many negative traits

Or well, I’ve not given him any Ergh, awful traits? Ock has some traits I’ve seen listed as negative in various listicles sure but idrk if I’d personally categorize some of them as negative? It’s a question very strongly endowed with one’s own personal sense of morality ig is the trick here for my brain?

Like- ock isn’t the typical negatively associated asshole jerk man but then again people don’t tend to always be either and they still have negative traits ya do ya know? Idk- it’s a bit hard for me personally to classify things like positive and negative traits as I feel anything taken too far/in the wrong ways ect. Can be labeled as positive or negative-

I suppose for ock, based around various listicles of “negative traits” we can go with

1) Needy (not gonna do this for every one I don’t really see this as a negative bc well ik it comes from a place and so it’s hard for me to place it as negative when I don’t think it’s like— bad? It’s just how ock has been impacted by the world and as such more of an obstacle to be worked around and yadda yadda character’s flaws aren’t errors but merely features to be enjoyed this and that- though ig this also hinges on the interpretation of negative meaning negative for those surrounding him and not just for ock himself too which I mean these traits can be negative heavily for ock as well which might end them up with the label here and dependent on the interpretation that it’s classified by simply flaws that hurt and—) - kind of following with his clinginess guy really tends to take what he can and hoard it up. I will say he isn’t like— complain and whine about not being given something he could grab himself spoiled child levels of needy, but he is again very clingy and will sometimes not realize when he is over stepping and demanding a bit too much of someone’s attention.

2) cowardly - little guy lacks a back bone pretty often- it’s really when he tends to serve as just a little guy wandering around behind huntsmann and maybe sometimes sort of as communication but he’s more huntsmann‘s proof of concept of ‘I can keep it alive and keep it compliant with the inquisitions/imperiums usual bullshittery’ more than a fighting weapon (that’s what his field his for-) so it’s more in personal situations than battle

3) absent minded - while definitely not all the time ock does have a bit of a habit of being a bit locked out in certain times, settings, days, ect. And just be lost in his thoughts (sometimes leading to an anxious spiral-) and just over all leaving him very ditzy from time to time.

🐈- does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close friends?

He’d really like to have a larger group of friends though that’s hard for him for numerous reasons and he does a lot better with smaller groups anyway.

He kind of had a ‘larger’ group already considering he finds most people he bumps into and grows attached to friends even if they aren’t so or he may never see them again but we ball

And that kind of leads to why he is just better suited for smaller groups over all as larger ones aside from stressing him out (telepath moment) for a number of reasons inside and out, he’s a very easily attached and DEEPLY attached guy so if for whatever reason he holds some level of less close less attached relationship with someone he is very very attached to (not hard to be- breath near the little guy and you’re half way there-) and he doesn’t have that reciprocated he tends to flip out a bit and not feel to great

Which really is another reason of many hunts tends to keep him on a shorter leash.

[strangerhands]

go to a wedding, go to a party, go to a museum with the moon boys🫶🏻

7. go to a wedding with, go to a party with, go to a museum with

eeek okay, i want to say go to a wedding with marc, but i feel like he would not want to be there😭😭 but also, i would not really want to be there either, so maybe we would just chill quietly in the corner together and eat and drink good stuff. marc definitely seems like the type you can people watch with, while also having your own fun yet chill conversation, and thats what i personally would love to have in a setting like that (that makes us both kind of uncomfortable and anxious) i feel he would relate to how you feel, and we would find comfort in eachother🥺 and god just imagine him all dressed up🫠 and the both of you getting all hot at how the other looks🤭 and the yearning.. the desire for your own wedding together,, hooo boy

i would definitely go to a party with jake, i think if/when given the chance (like in the comics) hes super fun and laidback, and loves to hang around people. i saw a post the other day saying jakes the type who would stay by your side the entire time if you get anxious around people/at parties and it made me want to cry ngl because i think thats so true😭😭 he would just love to be with you, and would want you to be safe and comfortable and happy, and gaaaah i need that so bad. and i think that if i were comfortable enough in the environment to loosen up a bit and let myself have fun, we would have funnnn. i can see him getting rowdy for sure, and i might just join him😋 i think hes a touchy flirty goofy loud drunk for sure lol we would definitely have a good time😏

and of course i gotta go to a museum with steven,, i mean. who woulda guessed. but i actually love going to museums and art galleries, though i havent had the chance many times in my life. i would love hearing his thoughts on things he knows about, and his tangents and info dumping. i think he would have really insightful and unique thoughts on some things, and id just love to learn from him. he would definitely have some cheeky facts too. i also think seeing and learning about new things together, or telling him about something he doesnt know, would be really great too, i think he just loves to listen and learn as well, and just enjoys being with you and talking about things you both like together. itd be such a sweet time🥺🥹

thank you for this ask!! so fun thinking about all of this lol i did not think id write that much about it all🧍woop

[sevicia]

wip compilation April to present day, not including those OC duo sketches I posted the other day nor unfinished references

1. Agnes + Mary flesh prison - I started this one April 4th (I checked) and honestly has been in wip city for such a long time you MIGHT be inclined to think I've abandoned it but I really haven't because I want to render all that stupid flesh stuff sooo bad I just get sidetracked everytime I blink

2. Mary moment - From somewhere in July, I did the sketch (+ a second one for a companion drawing) on paper and only decided to start coloring recently and I reaaallly need to figure it out but we move

3. R1999 fav. character meme - Sometime this month (all drawings from here on out are from August LOL) I found a fave character template and it sounded funnnn so I just need to color them in. ehe

4. Idiot comic thingy - Least likely to be finished I just think Domi looks cute here sorry. He's a regular at the library that Lulu helps out at and he's friends with the librarian. She recommends him supernatural romance books LOL he's ruining his own tough guy personality >:(

5. Proseka fav. character color wheel - I like to play and draw :3 one fav chara per color of course

6. Agnes doodly thing - I did a sketch for this one in class with a bunch of stuff flying out of his head and it's fun but also just a way for me to scribble almost mindlessly 😭

7. Paula + Alice moment - I just think they're neat... and also I want to try a dif. coloring method LOLL

8. Agnes + Mary thing - I've chosen to refer to this one as Fluster Him Friday even tho I'm not sure what day I initially drew it but once again just having fun with different ways of drawing :3

9. Agnes and Mary again (sorry) - This one's just her being bored while waiting for her lame ass boyfriend to come back to life after he blew his brains out (see drawing #6) because I think it's cutesies

10. New guy - He's just new guy and I wanted to draw him doing some bullshit

TED Talk over it is almost 9 AM. My bad

[badasgirlfriend]

my point stills stands, after reading the new chapters my most toxic trait is the fact that I would’ve forgiven both Yeri and Yunjin 😞. BUT I NEED PEOPLE TO HEAR ME OUT (I’m constantly a villain apologist) Like yk, what they did was beyond fucked up BUT, Yeri was not lying when she said she had no choice, and for some reason I felt like the whole exposing thing for her was too extreme 😞, ik bada was probably fuming but something in me says she didn’t deserve that, LIKE I FELT HER ANXIETY THROUGH THE SCREEN, I don’t think that everyone hating her will compensate for what she did, it’s just like revenge but in a cruel kinda way. Pookie didn’t deserve 😞 and also she was not really the only culprit, people actually confessed things, she just posted them by their request.

Now, with yunjin is diff because miss girl is actually very guilty and so very sick in the head. But hear me out, when she said that she constantly felt like she was Nari’s shadow, and mentioned her mom, somehow most of her attitudes make sense. Wanting validation can fuck your head so much it’s surreal, and I think that deeply she acc feels remorse by it, but she was fueled with jealousy and desperation. I think that what broke my heart the most was when she was left all alone 😞. Somehow I feel like her character is complex and at that precise moment she also needed some type of reassurance from friends to understand that what she did was terrible albeit the reasons. I feel bad for her because, imagine always feeling like someone’s shadow, and in the end, everyone you love ends up taking their side and leaving you, further pressing that feeling that in the end you will always be her shadow, and people would prefer her over you. And I know in this case Nari’s feelings al probably all over the place due to the betrayal, but imagine how yun feels too 😞.

In conclusion, I support their rights and wrongs, waiting for their redemption arc so I can be an apologist outside the trenches. (sorry for the rant but I just love character dynamics so much 😞 and specially this one for me has so many layers)

okay so yeri was actually threatened to post those abt nari but she wasn't threatened to post the others she did it for fun u can see that she says i liked it at first she did this for funnnn and in a way its called bullying too like imagine someone posting all ur darkest secrets and the whole school even the ones who dont attend see it

no matter how jealous yunjin got she shouldve never done and she cant be forgiven bc she isnt 12 to make those mistakes if she rlly was good and loved nari she wouldve either told her she likes bada or keep it forever inside her feelings go away yk

she wasnt sorry in the end she accused nari stealing bada from her which aint normal😭 maybe in the future she'll forgive her (not rlly😩) but she'll never forget

[miles-is-so-gay]

self portrait

so guess who got a new ipad and new apple pencil!!!!

but also guess who just let his dad pick it out for him instead of researching it all so he ended up with a tablet that only works with gen 1 apple pencils and the usb-c pencils THE LATTER OF WHICH DOES NOT HAVE PRESSURE SENSETIVITY

its me :)

I also just got something funnnn from humble bundle which includes a 12 month liscense for clip stuido paint so i'm gonna be able to hse it again! yippie! i just need to get an adapter for the pencil and new case bc gen 1 pencils arent magnetic, so, yippie! i might also just get a new gen 1 pencil while im at it. thats bc my mom has my old tablet and i think her getting into doing some digital art would be cool.

but lack of presssure sensetivity be damned, i needed to draw so bad last night so i just did. if you recognize me from this drawing no you dont /j/lh

[sttoru]

Hello, Anya!! ♡ How are you? I feel so bad, even if you're patiently waiting for me. (◞‸◟) I'm a lot better now, thank you!!◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜And I hope you are, too. <333 You're always so sweet, I don't even know how to respond.

My jjk favourites are Yuji, Megumi, Nobara and Satoru heheh. But I really like many many others!! The following arcs are going to hurt (I'm not a manga reader, but I... know (v_v)), but I'm still excited!! (•̀ ᗜ •́ ) Yeah, the movie was great and entertaining, I was just surprised hahaha!! (>ᴗ<)

My parents have been trying to find a solution for the ants, but nothing seems to work... I hope we figure something out soon, I've had enough of insects. "( - ⌓ - )

Update on the ecological bird park trip: I went there with my family yesterday and it was amazing, the birds are so beautiful (there were some very cute bunnies too) and it was very worth it!! ^_^ I really enjoyed my day and I really want to visit it again soon. <3

I missed you more, there isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of you and hoping life hasn't been too hard for you. ♡(ᴖ̈) You better take care of yourself all the same and stay well. (It's pretty much always hot where I live, but I went to see my doctors and I'm taking my vitamins and following their health suggestions, so I'll probably be doing even better soon!!)

Ps: happy 3k!!! ♡ You have the best ideas and I love the way you always treat everyone with respect and kindness. <33333

Pps: your new theme :cc (I adore it)!!

- ☀️

HAIII IM SORRY FOR BEING LATEE T_T i was contemplating on how to respond for days and every time im like ‘oh ok got it, im gonna respond now’ i get distracted and forget about it 😭😭 ILY TY FOR BEING PATIENT W ME TOO MWAH

ur favs aaaaa i expected u to be a megumi girlie kind of tbhhhh hhehehe but damn not the ants still stalking u :/ i hope they disappear from ur house soon enough ewewew

THE PARK TRIP SOUNDS SO CUTEEEE im glad u had funnnn!!! it must be a while ago for u now since sending the ask but i still hope u enjoyed that day & also made v fun memories kisskiss

BUT PLEASE BAEE stay safe & healthy ☹️ take ur vitamins and follow the doctors’ advice ! i wish u nothing but the best in life & want u to stay happy no matter what ilysmmmm

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for Friends to Lovers with Rodrick Heffley

Rodrick Heffley x reader

warnings: mentions of a bad home life

a/n: YALL I FUVKING DID IT AND IM TERRIFIED OF THE REPERCUSSIONS

prompt: y/n and rodrick have been friends for a long time, so long boundaries seem to be blurred

you’ve actually known rodrick since elementary school

it all started when he asked you to join his band

“i can play drums, you can play the tambourine because that’s the only other instrument i have! it’ll be wicked!”

your band lasted a week and only had one gig, it was for rodrick’s parents

who LOVED you by the way

they somehow permitted you to sleepover almost every other day, you practically lived at their house

FOR YEARS you did this

terrorizing lil greg

“what’s he gonna do, pee his diaper?”

“rodrick!!!”

always trick or treating together, exchanging candy when you got back go his house (or occasionally yours)

you guys didnt like hanging at your house, your parents were kind of....a lot to handle

starting middle school together, wreaking havoc on all the teachers

rodrick did it to impress you, according to mr. and mrs. heffley

but he’d give you a stupid little smirk from across the classroom after he got scolded so you believed them

whenever anyone gave you shit at school, rodrick wouldn’t hesitate to step in and show them who’s boss

“rodrick, you’re gonna get detention again!”

“yeah, well, i’m not gonna let them be mean to you”

you went to his house after school most days, sometimes you’d get there first while he was in detention

mrs. heffley had after school snacks

“y/n, why don’t you play some video games with greg while you wait for rodrick to get home?”

playing wii sports with greg, who cried when you won

you also had time to do homework while you waited, rodrick usually copied afterwards

when rodrick came home, he’d drag you to the garage to show you his drum skills

he hit himself in the head with his drumstick

“ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark”

next step was high school, which was a weird step up

but you guys had each other

you still spent most nights at the heffley residence, but you had to sleep on the couch instead of on the floor in the attic (aka rodricks lair)

“you two are growing up, so we think it’s best that you don’t sleep in the same room together, right?”

rodrick emptied one of his drawers for you to put your clothes in

but you still end up stealing his clothes half the time

“i wish i could be mad, but you wear all of my clothes better than me”

subconsciously doing couple-y things without realizing it

like rodrick would pull you closer to him when you two were together, put his arm around you, give you his jacket, etc

“are you guys serious? you’ve got to be dating!” -everyone

“rodrick, when are you and y/n going to get together?” -mr. and mrs. heffley

the answer was always the same: “we’re just friendssssss”

watching his band practice and cheering him on no matter what

you’re his guest vocals ☺️

when he got the van, it was a whole new world for you guys

you could go out wherever whenever

(with parent approval usually)

“wanna go ride around for a little while? hit a gas station and get a bunch of candy?”

“do you even have to ask?”

watching scary movies in his room

“platonic” cuddling in his bed

stuffing your face in the crook of his neck during scary scenes

“come on, y/n! it’s not that bad!”

him having to hold onto you for comfort so you’d keep watching with him

sometimes falling asleep together and his mom or dad coming to check on you later

“alright, time for bed! y/n, you get your usual couch...”

laughing your ass off at rodrick when he messes with greg

manny loves you, sometimes rodrick is jealous of the attention you give to his baby brother instead of him

rodrick scooping you up in his arms when you least expect it, never fails to make you scream

“hey there, hot stuff”

“you’re impossible!”

roller skating together, he held your hand the whole time bc he was worried you’d fall

his friends ENDLESSLY taunt him over your relationship

when he makes plans with others, he always says “let me ask y/n first” which just SENDS his friends oh my god

“dude, that’s your s/o!”

“no, they’re not! shut up!”

hating being apart a lot its so stressful

sometimes you’d have a pretty hard time at home and show up to his house at odd hours, but you were always welcome

you have your own key

“hey, what’s wrong?”

“my parents...they’re just the worst”

rodrick knows its bad when you start crying

he took you up to his room and played some music (quietly as not to wake the house)

you laid on top of him while he rubbed your back and told you that he was there for you

dozing off on him, as per usual

dude, the amount of pictures you have? astronomical

you playing his drums, the two of you going 🤘, an actual nice picture of you guys, him carrying you on his back, kiddos on your first day of school by year, you kissing his cheek “platonically”

comforting him when he was having his own hard times, whether it be an argument with his parents/greg, difficulties with musical inspiration, or anything else

“come here, you need a hug”

“i need several”

“you’ll get ‘em”

talent show! talent show! talent show!

you completely cussed out the rest of his band before they went on bc they had the audacity to replace him

but greg managed to save the day

“greg, my dude, give me a high five, that was awesome”

he wasn’t actually half bad but like, his mom kinda stole the show

more joyrides in the van

absolutely BLASTING the music in there while you and rodrick sat on the floor in the back and ate the taco bell you’d just picked up

“dude, you gotta try my potato griller, it’s a godsend”

“okay, but try this slushie, its so good. i mean, not as good as a 7-eleven slushie, but it’s up there”

finishing your food and laying in the van for another hour bc you just loved each other’s company

but after sitting together alone for so long, you felt like there was something left to do, what was it?

you and rodrick were moving around a bunch and ended up next to each other sitting against the wall of the van

you looked over at each other and hesitated before leaning in to kiss

and you guys kissed for a while

okay, so, you made out on the floor of his van with led zeppelin playing in the background

✨magical✨

it wasn’t awkward or anything, just long overdue

okay it was a little awkward actually

“well, that was” *clears throat* “that was cool or whatever”

“yeah...wanna do it again?”

“oh, for sure”

not like it was a surprise to anyone when you announced you were FINALLY dating

“wait, you guys just started dating? i thought you’d been together for like, at least 5 years” -mr. heffley

“this is great! obviously, we’ll need to set up some boundaries so that everyone is comfortable and safe, but yay for young love!” -mrs. heffley

“gross” -greg

mrs. heffley wrote a column in the newspaper about you titled “my teenage son’s fantastic significant other”

not much changed after you and rodrick got together, just kissing, “i love you’s” and more teasing from friends and school faculty

“we were all rooting for you two, actually!” -the teachers

summer vacation with him

it was always SWEET

going to the pool together, he’d usually lay out on the chairs with you but you were able to drag him into the pool a few times

“come onnnn, it’ll be funnnn”

“you’re lucky you’re cute”

hugs from behind!!! kisses on the top of ur head!!!!

PROM AH HAH HAH

seeing rodrick in a tux was too funny for you, you almost couldn’t stop laughing (especially at the eyeliner he insisted on wearing)

but he just couldn’t stop staring at you

“rodrick!”

“what?! you’re stunning!”

honestly, prom wasn’t all it was cracked up to be

you danced like maniacs for a few songs and ended up ditching early on

but you did end up renting a bunch of movies and getting tonssss of snacks and changing into pajamas as soon as you got to his house

im talking popcorn, candy bars, ice cream, cans of pop, chips, chicken nuggets and so on

and also passing out on each other

“i think i love you a little more, i didn’t know that was possible”

“i have that effect on people”

he makes u breakfast before his mom gets the chance though

“pancakes? for me?”

“i put chocolate chips in them too, you’re gonna love them”

(they were a lil bit burned, still good tho)

you guys really did just spot on get each other

okay but i know you also roast each other sometimes so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

relationship goals, honestly

fresh outta ideas 🤠 goodnight

[wildshadowtamer]

my thoughts on MWCA as i watch it:

TL;DR: i adore this show, their brilliant singers, the dialogue and voice acting is brilliant, i’m glad it didnt make me like irving, and i’m never going to get over this. please go watch it if you havent already & like phineas and ferb.

my god, monogram and carl's interactions are so accurate, i love them. also carl is adorable

i totally waved back when carl waved at the screen god, the greenscreen is so flawless oh my god??? phineas' voice??? i swear thats just vincent im terrified this show will make me like irving YEAH THE EXTENDED THEME 'mml season 3' OW 6 minutes in and i already love this show i love how they use some of the shows sound effects their voices are so accurate ferb bringing up the pistachion thing from mml, clever! jesus their such good singers candace's actor is on POINT i've never seen legally blonde but this is the only version of ohmigod you guys i'll ever listen to again AWWW PINKY adggfds buford and baljeet i love them YEAH AGENT P I LOVE HIS OUTFIT HASFGHGFD MONOGRAM I LOVE HIM every single human perry au just got validated, including mine jesus heinz' energy is already so chaotic and on point i adore him not to be panaesthetic on main, but heinz' hair 👀 yay norm's here!! again, heinz' voice is so accurate ah, norm's acting is so good "i thought you being rhetorical" ASDGHGFDS "HA. HA. HA." sdfghhgfds brilliant norm wow perry's actor can chitter well perry looks so norm lmao i've never heard Ya Got Trouble but this is so chaotic i adore it Heinz is a true mad scientist in this i love it haha he has backup dancers fuck yeah does he have a lisp? ooo i'll take that hc thank you HSFGFDS PERRY "with a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for poolinator" probably my favourite line in the song kickline! perry's so done at all times i love it "inevitably" ah yes, cuz they wont fill it up (such an accurate doof plot) vaness'a actor wow perry's my favourite i love it "you'll see *long gasp* you were right!" his acting is so aggressive i love it ooo are vanessa and candace gonna be at the same dance? yeah build montage!!! ASDFGHGFD THE BOYS RUNNING FROM THE BABY HEAD IS THAT DELIVERY DRIVER VINCENT MARTELLA????? THAT IS ISNT IT YEAH BIG FUNNNN i'll never understand how isabella va's get their voice that high "im coming for YOUUU" HAHA PHINEAS "sorry that is my bad...sorry" AW BALJEET perry's not even trying to get out hes so done LMAO ooo a news segment dink winkerson adggfds "i say fritten'!" yes hello i love that line delivery wait, is doof's plan gonna WORK? hell yeah! hell yeah, norm being a great son "my husband" woo dink! perry's so tired asdghgfd "this is uhhhhhhhh" haha i love him "and the worst PERISHHHH" this is the  best thing ever linda and lawrence are couple goals YEAH GO DOOF HIS PLAN'S WORKING oop nvm ASDFHGFDSA DOOF POOR GUY thanks for the fact ferb god i love these parody lyrics their so good wow i love coltrane's voice i think heinz gets more unhinged every time he's on screen and i love that for him oh god please dont make me like irving HAHA A.U.D.I.E.N.C.E shows dont usually get this many near laughs from me, this is great AWWW PINKY (x2) YESSSSS THE O.W.C.A Y.M.C.A PARODY I LOVE THIS!!!! shotuout to the person in the lobster(?) suit this is my favourite thing since i found the show YEAH CARL TAP SOLO dammit monogram dont stop him from tapping SWAMPY!! DOOOF'S BACK!! wait his hair's actually gender envy thank you for the brillian impersination norm go heinz!!! honestly this is a good plan haha buford having a tux shirt under his regular shirt only appropriate to have a grease song jeremy's chugging that respect women juice i can just tell HAHAHA BUFORD i appreciate baljeet's oversized bowtie yeah go for it isa- aw bob dont interrupt her i appreciate stacy's dancing canderemy for the win! get yourself a man whos that supportive haha doof has two phones dammit johnny ohhh doof's trying not to call it an inator so it doesnt fail god i love vanessa's hair i'm taking this ferbnessa stuff entirely platonically thank you uh oh norm's here oh candance no thats not vanessa AW LARRY HE SOUNDS SO SAD uh oh phineas' getting mad oh god candace im so sorry AW NO IM SO SORRY JEREMY YOU BETTER FOLLOW YOUR GIRL YEAH FERB HIT THAT NOTE oh my god are they gonna meet heinz yay heinz is back!!! AW NORM AWWW NORMMM AW NORMMMMMMM other-dimensioninator- DAN!! damn stacy, harsh, but true wait if heinz and candace are doing a scheme together, what will perry do? oh hello vanessa's singing voice i'm gay YEAH BUSTED YEAH SINCERELY ME YEAHHHHH CONFESSIONN oh phineas no oh phin dammit no oh isa im so sorry IS THIS GONNA BE BUJEET????? PLEASE LET THIS BE BUJEET "once my nerd always my nerd" thats so gay buford dammit it wasnt bujeet oh i am absolutely taking the ducky mogo doof hc OHMNO PERRY HIDE ohnoohnoohonoohnoohono oh wow its actually working good job heinz aw lawrence i'll go antiquing with you yeah buford break that door! YEHAHHH DOOFENSHMIRTZ BASEMENT jeremy's the best communicate, damn you two yeah jeremy gets a song! wow impressive highkick YEAH KISS AWWWW POWER COUPLE YEAH BALJEET jesus, baljeet uh oh perry VANESSSA???? OH NO HEINZ SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER PERRY DO SOMETHING YEAH VANESSA'S SINGING AGAIN oh my god they even included the farmers couple hell yeah a bit of vanessa rapping Heinz: *celebratory screaming* heinz is so chaotic i love him [ignores the blatant romantic subtext of this ferbnessa plot] new friends! awww sibling bonding AWWW oh phineas YEAHHHHH PHINABELLA KISS HAHA FERB MROWING aw phineas bluescreened well 10's a bit too young to be in love in my aromantic opinion agreed buford bujeet????? bujeetttt???????? YESSSSS YESSSS BUJEET BUJEET RIIIIIIGHTS YEAH SUMMER BELONGS TO YOU hello milo i see u god their voices are so good im glad i still hate iriving tho this...may be better than the original props to the person holding the tree i haven't had this much serotonin in weeks best musical ever YEAH GITCHEE GITCHEE GOO hello cookie i love you brilliant job everyone, i adore this job, best thing since the original show aw this credits song is adorable AWWWW THIS FINAL SONG COVER IS AMAZING god i hope these songs are on spotify why do i feel like crying to the end of this

[riverdale-retread]

 Riverdale S4  E7 (Spoilers!) 

-  Thanksgiving  & the Ice Storm!  Archie is mourning Fred (as are we all, still). Hiram is now Mayor of Riverdale. Jughead is away at school. Dodger is in a coma in the hospital.  

- I appreciate the fact that Riverdale confronts the reality of many relationships, which is that they are inorganic and people have to force them to continue, sometimes powered by delusion and nothing else.  Jughead has a girlfriend who can’t be happy for him to have a great educational experience, but he has decided that she’s his happy place. Bret knows Jughead is obsessed with Betty but has decided that he has to make some sort of play for him.  FP has known for decades that Alice AND Gladys are destructive and bad news, but he has decided that he’s obligated to stand by mothers of his children (well, that he knows of) (he has more than three, he has to), so he stays with these shit women. Veronica has decided that Archie is good, and so she is subservient to a level that would otherwise be unimaginable, and in the face of his blank disinterest.

Jughead

-  Jughead’s hardheadedness and stubborn insistence border on suicidal. He knows that his classmates are evil people, that something has gone very wrong with Chipping, and that Dupont built his fortune on some sort of lie, and yet he directly confronts Dupont about Chipping’s death and his own accusation of plagiarism.   

Jughead is such a fabulous character because he’s so painful to watch - he keeps acting like he has nothing to lose, despite also working and trying so hard all the time, and fate always answers his actions by making him lose everything. 

- Jughead truly loves his Stonewall Prep experience.  Even after getting locked overnight in a coffin and witnessing a terrifying suicide, Jughead loves it there. He’s confident and happy there, all the time.  The visit from Betty is icing on the cake, cherry on top of the sundae, of course, but the fact of having the campus to himself, Stonewall without the preppies, is what is getting him really excited.

Bughead

- Bughead get a mystery to solve and a conspiracy theory to mull over, so the Hive Mind is very pleased with itself.  

By the way, Jughead says Baxter Franchise is worth $200M,and I am not sure what I’m supposed to think about this number. A cursory google search of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series do not yield any sort of simple answer on valuation of book series. Like, I know how much JK Rowling is worth, but that doesn’t seem analogous.

- I got such a kick out of Betty this episode though. She’s all in Action Barbie mode.  She needs to get it on now, HIT SAVE JUGHEAD.  Notice (sorry Bugheads) that this 17~18 year old teenage boy would rather keep typing. Regardless, OH their chemistry is such a tonic, I love it.    They’re wearing his ‘n’ hers t shirts and matching pajama pants. Betty giggling as her lips meet Jughead’s?  Delightful.  Jughead may bring the devotion and romance to Bughead, but the heat is all Betty.  I appreciate you girl. 

- Hot sex is good for Betty, because post-coitus Betty even has an actual sense of humor, which she normally doesn’t.  Her  YES!! when she gets excited about the prospect of a junk food Thanksgiving before she gives Jughead what looks like a powerful wallop of a smack was terrific.  Betty’s sarcastic rejoinder about the bunny-face ‘prank’ that Bret tried to pull, “Oh yeah... funnnn,” was tip-top!   She punctuates her telling off of Bret as she stitches his scalp back together with an extra hard snap  of the thread was so satisfying. Girlfriend needed to get laid more often.  

- Oh yeah: BETTY BASHES BRET’S HEAD IN WITH A GOLF CLUB.  Her huge blazing eyes, communicating What the fuck is happening?  and Are you ok? and I love doing violence, I am so high right now!  all at the same time?  CHEF’S KISS. I just so love this about Betty.  She sees a baddie go in the direction of Jughead, and she’s so efficient - find weapon, approach, attack.  Normal people might call out a warning or whatever, but Betty Cooper is going to use her goddamn Serial Killer DNA, thank you very much.

- The Quill & Skull secret society is introduced and  Jughead has theories on what may have happened to Chipping.

Bret --> Jughead

- Let’s take a minute to discuss Bret.  Bret is stalking Jughead, and really only hurting himself, because he has to listen to Jughead say “Hurry up and get here already!” and “I love you” to Betty.  Unrequited love sucks, Bret, let it go.  I haven’t had this experience of being fixated on someone I shared close quarters with but damn, it’s gotta be painful. It must have stabbed Bret in the heart to see Betty in the stonewall sweater.  Bret sets up the sex tape cam in the room, and I really wonder if he hasn’t just been filming Jughead all the time.  This tape that eventually gets sold later in the season may be the most, um, commercially viable, but I have to think there are just hours and hours of Jughead, sleeping, reading, doing homework, changing in and out of clothes, in Bret’s personal archives.

- The choice of the bunny head costume. I first thought they’d picked it for like Donnie Darko (movie I haven’t watched) mixed with sly commentary about Jughead’s dental situation, but now I think it’s sexual.  Hey Jughead, let’s go at it like rabbits.

- Bret bites down on a leather belt while Betty is stitching him up, not because he needs it, but because he wants to bite leather in Jughead’s presence. (Um, do I need to put like a Minors DNI  here?)

- Thanks to Donna’s assist, Bret actually gets to do the Gotcha, I Win narration that Jughead attempts to do all the time, to Jughead, who is looking so pissed off (and so pretty  - how are his lashes so long?), green eyes furious. After delivering a couple lines that you know Bret workshopped with Donna (“Chipping’s death was a suicide driven by a guilty man’s fear  of exposure.  Case closed, Detective Jones.”), Bret does the most touching Bret-ish thing ever. He moves his hand to Jughead’s arm like he’s going to touch him, maybe give him a WASP 1% asshole pat, but he can’t bear to, he doesn’t dare, so he sort of does a hand gesture below the sightline of the camera and then moves away. Meanwhile Jughead has no idea Bret has hands. Poor Bret.

Bughead v Donna 

- Never Have I Ever.  Jughead Jones HAS NEVER DONE DRUGS. (Taking a quick sob break thinking about S5A).  But he’s all for underage drinking, which surprised me.  In the course of this game, I at first thought that Jughead was not being subtle and doing the Poirot confrontation  when he brings up the secret society in a way that nobody would ever fall for, but  N!o! it was a plan to let Betty go do some sleuthing by buying time. (And also get a big gulp of alcohol. Oh no).

- But then the Bughead urge to go CONFRONT before they are fully ready is not something they can overcome, in the end.  And Donna is smarter than all three of them.  Donna the character is a great actor - her distress and tears are fully so convincing, even though the music and Betty’s reaction makes it clear i’m not supposed to believe her.

- Donna Lies About Being Assaulted.   Girl who lies about sexual assault is a misogynist trope they need to fucking retire already from all media forever altogether. For fuck’s sake. That is lazy.

- So Donna goes to talk to the head master to head off any further action by Jughead. 

I take it from my cursory search nobody ships Donna and Jughead, but I sort of do, in the same way I sort of ship Veronica and Jughead.  Both these dark haired girls share things in common with Jughead and are smarter & more capable than he is, and I  kind of want to see Jughead coping with that.

Choni pull a Titus Andronicus

- Choni - well actually, Cheryl - plan to dump the body of uncle Bedford before the Sweetwater River freezes over in the ice storm.  Cheryl goes AND THEN THE SALMON CAN GOBBLE UP HIS EYES and Toni is squicked out but pretends that that;s not the problem and says she feels she’s being watched. 

- Style note: Cheryl in the tightest reddest dress is so very beautiful.  And how does she find lipstick that matches her clothing so well.

- They pretend to have cooked Bedford into pies and fed them to the other Blossoms, and then fake out, it’s lamb. As a person who absolutely loves savory pies, I am always happy to see meat pies in pop culture, but ... why do a fake out? It’s not like it’s not something Cheryl would think of doing.

- Best part of Choni is Nana Blossom telling a story about an event that happened in the last 19th or early 19th century like it just happened to her last year.  Nana Blossom is an immortal.

I cannot ship Falice

- The show keeps trying to make the point that FALICE = Parentdale Bughead and All~ Of the No.

- FP’s straight job takes a total turn for the worst. He needs to take orders  from Hiram as mayor and he has the same inability to compromise with reality as his son.  He delivers the news that he has to, as Sheriff, and then tells the kids to disregard him. 

- The Whatever You Decide I Back You 100%  is the kind of statement that’s gotten everyone in a tizzy over on Bughead, and it turns out Betty gets this from Alice. Eww.  Later in the booth at Pop’s, FP is doing something I have not seem him do with Gladys- that caressing one shoulder thing that Jughead does all of the time. Is this genetic?  And Alice cannot resist the urge to make FP erupt into violence.  This is also exactly the same as Betty.  (Oh wait, is this... is this meta commentary by the show? That if Bughead really do stay together into their 50s it will become this?)

- Parentdale foursome:  Hiram, Hermione, FP and Alice all at  Pop’s. (Why can’t Pop’s go home for Thanksgiving? Are all the Tates waiting for him to close up the Diner to do their own family dinner?) Bret Donna Jughead and Betty in another place. in what’s supposed to be a parallel and I don’t like this.

-- Inevitably, FP attacks Hiram with a bottle. He’s no good at punching people by the way, and so I posit once again that the Serpent King is not about how well you fight, it’s about something way more Romantic. FP has a lot of Romantic ideas and yanno I feel like tv drunks are frequently wounded dreamer types, whether or not this is actually true in real life.  (Oh and S5 Jughead is also a wounded dreamer drunk, so yeah.)

-Is there a rule that says you can’t be sheriff AND Serpent King? Actually yes, Alice, there is. The rule is called COMMON FUCKING SENSE. Alice wants to be Serpent Queen, and wants to relive her youth as being the ‘bad’ girl because the decades spent being the ‘good’ woman and ‘middle’ class went very badly, and then the attempt to be ‘spiritual’ also sucked.  So Alice invites the Lodges to join them, because being the sheriff’s girlfriend is just a tad too tame for her. I hate Alice.

Veronica in Doormat Mode is Upsetting

- Why is there such food insecurity in Riverdale, where the main problem that Veronica’s community center (because Archie isn’t doing fuck-all actually for it) deals with is childhood hunger?  How long has it been this bad? 

- Of course, Veronica is the one who provides all the food for the free food night.  All Archie brings is the fryer for the turkey. Veronica says, religiously:  You’re too good for this world Archiekins.  I mean.... compared to WHO?

-  Before we get to the bullshit with the Dickinson crime clan:  Mary is a shit lawyer.  Hiram has done something to prevent Archie’s feeding the kids etc, and she is like Yeah sure disregard the ordinance.  An attorney  is faced with a mayoral action and reacts with  empty mind, free of thoughts.  Why not try for an injunction, you know, contact the judges, or look into the ordinances to examine on whether Hiram can actually do this or not.    Ugh.  And because everything Archie touches turns to absolute shit, she ends Thanksgiving by pointing her gun at a woman and threatening to kill her.   And Veronica stabs a man in the hand, because whenever Archie gets involved in your life you end up in violence.  

- Anyway the center gets invaded by the Dickinson clan.  Dodger’s mother seems 5 years younger than Dodger and I don’t know why they couldn’t make this story about his WIFE.  Or maybe in the Dickinsons, Mother is an honorific like King /Queen are in the Serpents?  Also why is she from a whole different region of the US than Archie and CO?  Anyway the kids, to protect Archie, do a I AM SPARTACUS reenactment, which was cute. 

- When it’s all over, there’s a bit of a highlight.  Archie laughs so winningly as he remembers good times with his dad, of all of them falling asleep on the couch after Thanksgiving Turkey, and I am moved.  Am I just a sucker for a pretty face? (Yes, yes I am).  He’s so beautiful and lovely, and I want all the best for him (Fuckin’ A - I am Jughead in  this sentiment, goddamn)   Mary continues to be a moron and thinks that Fred was trying to communicate / watching out for them through a deep fryer, and Archie smiles about it. 

- Archie dedicates this center, that was gifted to him by Hiram and funded by Veronica,  to Fred  Fred Andrews, with a plaque that calls Fred  a ‘humanitarian.’ Absolutely none of this is earned.  Bless Fred, but he WASN’T any sort of humanitarian.  Well at least humanitarian is spelled correctly, and we get to look at Luke Perry’s smiling face one more time. (Plaque is dated November 2019).

Please give Sweet Pea a name, for the love of god.

I don’t know if Dodger is or becomes actually important again, so I will take the opportunity to note that stupid Dodger, rote bad guy villain of almost no consequence, has a last name, but Sweet Pea does not.  (When the hell is the show going to fix this??)  Oh and Mr. Chipping’s first name was Rupert. (Seriously, show, give Sweet Pea a name.) 

[laddieseddiemunster]

Could I please have a smidgen of Star dating the (she/they) reader but still being cool with the boys and maybe you and Star kinda co-parent Laddie headcannons? Cuz lets be real, he's a little kid and he still prolly needs someone to tie his shoes when he wakes up at night 😞👉👈 if not that's literally okay, how ya doin?

Your wish is my command :)

and I’m doing well! how about you?

Star x Fem!Reader Co-Parenting With Laddie

when you first approached star, you assumed laddie was her brother. she was quick to let you know that he wasn’t, and that they had no relation. just friends. when star first introduced you to laddie he immediately brought you into a hug. he looked up resting his chin on your stomach and said “hi! i’m laddie! what’s your name?”

as time went on you became a third parental figure to laddie. at first the boys considered killing you, but soon realized that that was out of the question. laddie adored you and he’d be heartbroken. obviously so would star, but David originally wanted to kill you because you took star away from him. Now he can’t. So it’s safe to say david isn’t a big fan of your addition to the family.

even with the times laddie had no problem with you and star dating. you made star happy and you made him happy, so he had no reason to complain. when you and star go on dates, dwayne watches laddie so he doesn’t interfere with your alone time with star. laddie usually catches on. with a small cheeky smile on his face he’ll walk away with dwayne and say “have funnnn.” laddie’s not dumb. he knows what a ‘date’ means.

you found out their little vampire secret from laddie. it was his first time spending the night over at your place and once it was midnight you noticed laddie was not tired at all. in fact, he didn’t even yawn until it was six or seven in the morning. you ended up asking star why laddie wasn’t tired and she explained to you the situation. she felt terrible about not telling you before, and she was surprised when you understood. it made sense to you. the boys only come out at night, they stay away from mirrors, and at a specific time of the night they leave to do...something.

sure, laddie is a great little kid, but he can be a trouble maker. you lost count on how many times laddie has ran into where you work with one of the boys chasing after him because he stole one of their motorcycle keys (it would be dwayne’s, paul’s, or marko’s cause laddie wouldn’t dare steal david’s). “[name]! help me!” he yells as he’s running as fast as he could away from whoever’s chasing him. they’ve gotten kicked out so many times that they mine as well be banned from where you work.

laddie also has the tendency to sneak into your house at random times. you have no clue how he gets in without a key, but he does. one time he snuck in and saw you and star asleep in your bed, and he climbed on and slept in between both of you. neither of you knew when or how he got in but you didn’t complain.

besides dwayne, you and star are the only ones who know how to cook, and cook well. the boys don’t have a kitchen so they can’t really eat anything healthy. laddie doesn’t remember the last time he had something other than fast food. the only time you let the boys use your kitchen was when your house/apartment almost burnt down. you learned that paul and marko can’t be trusted with your oven. instead, you decided to make them all dinner. laddie had missed his biological mother’s cooking, but your cooking reminded him of it. he even preferred it over eating out.

another thing to realized was laddie didn’t have a lot of toys. all he had was a teddy bear that his mother gave him. so you decided to take him to a toy store with star. you had just gotten a bonus from your job and you chose to spend the money on toys for the boy. you told him that he could get five toys, and it didn’t matter what they were. unfortunately for you, laddie is a smart kid, and you ended up spending almost 400 dollars. there was one toy which was a robot that needed to be plugged in, and he was devastated when star told him they had no where to plug it in at the cave. luckily, you told him he could play with it whenever he came to visit your place, and he was happy again.

laddie loves it when you get him new clothes. he’s been wearing the same clothes for a while and he’s even getting sick of them. you and star will buy him a whole new wardrobe and he’ll love it, but he’ll still put on his leather jacket over his new shirts because the boys gave it to him. laddie loves pajamas more than anything since it’s uncomfortable sleeping in his regular clothes along with the jacket.

going back to laddie’s teddy bear he cannot sleep without it. it’s the only object that he has left from his mother and it means a lot to him. one time paul was doing his usual tickle attack on laddie and to distract paul he grabbed his teddy bear and started to hit paul with it, but paul accidentally grabbed the bear too hard and one of its arms slightly ripped. laddie had started to cry and paul didn’t know what to do. luckily, star knew how to sew, so laddie sat in your lap and watched as she fixed the bears arm. when the bear was good as new laddie hugged star as a thank you, and he didn’t leave her side for the rest of the night.

star loves laddie, and she isn’t afraid to stand up for him. if some older kid picks on laddie she will tell them off. laddie is the baby of the group and no one hurts him and gets away with it. if you and star gang up on a bully then watch out. david doesn’t give laddie too much attention, but when laddie gets picked on he’ll give the bully a dirty look. dwayne just takes laddie out of the situation, and will buy him ice cream to make him feel better. paul will tell the bully to back off, and he’ll take laddie away like dwayne. marko doenst care if it’s a little kid. his fists are ready to punch anyone who makes fun of laddie. it’s safe to say that anyone who picks on laddie mysteriously disappears. if you ask what happened the boys will just change the subject.

david at first didnt like you for taking star away when he was trying to win her over. he slowly started to accept you when he realized that you made star happier than he ever did. once he got to know you he started to notice that you weren’t bad to be around. you were a nice addition to the group even if he didn’t like you at first.

dwayne had zero problem with you. the fact that you took care of laddie when he couldn’t, or just whenever you had the time to was enough to win his trust. occasionally you both will talk while taking care of laddie. there isn’t much communication between you two, but there isn’t any drama either.

paul mainly likes you because you’re really nice to laddie and everyone in the group. paul likes to mess with you, but that’s just the way he is with friends. he’ll make fun of you and star for your relationship, but he actually really ships you guys. he just won’t admit to it. paul is a trouble maker, so i wouldn’t suggest riding on the back of his motorcycle.

marko never really had a problem with you. he never wanted to kill you especially since you’re friendly to laddie. when he talks to you he usually falls in the same category as paul. he likes to mess with you. but, at times he’s calm and easy to talk to and befriend. he’s also pretty protective. he’d beat someone up for you.

[ineffablecolors]

I'm sending you 42. and 80. (because this gotta be funnnn) for the trope mash-up, but only as long as you don't forget that you also kinda promised to write the pregnant-neighbor-comes-begging-for-food thing. Because I won't forget about it. :)

The lovely @laschatzi is talking about this post. I cheated a little bit but I hope you’d like how because now we have

Hungry pregnant neighbour + The Big Damn Kiss + Green-Eyed Epiphany 

Family Recipe;  ~ 5, 500 words; FF.NET || AO3

previous: wilderness/survival + I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On &Detective AU  + Awful First Meeting

Killian is somewhatashamed to admit that he has become something of a take-out guy.

It’s just… it’s one ofthose things he never got back into after losing his hand. Like volleyball. Orplaying the guitar. Or arm wrestling Will. Or the black nail polish. Or goingto the beach. Or hitting on that cute girl at the bakery around the corner. Orgirls,period. Or basically anyone he didn’t already know before the accident.

But anyway. Cooking.He never got back into cooking. He was never all that good at it to begin withbut it gave him a funny sort of pride and he enjoyed it.

He enjoyed having togo to three different stores to manage to collect all the herbs and spices fora proper curry. And lying all his products out – basically filling everyavailable space and then having to push stuff around to have somewhere toactually cook. And chopping histomatoes really fine – concasse, was it? – and his onions not quite because hedid not enjoy crying over their massacred corpses. And – never to be revealedto another living soul – making a mini forest around his chopping board withthe broccoli and the cauliflower. And the whole kitchen smelling for two daysafter. And basically making a mess of every horizontal surface – and thevertical ones that one time when he was learning how to spin pizza dough.

Yeah, he enjoyed that.And then he didn’t. Couldn’t. Didn’t.

And now here he is,sipping his beer and scrolling down his take-out app as if he doesn’t knowhe’ll get the Chinese because he had pizza twice during the week and they’vetotally ruined the Mexican place and Liam says he is a masochist but he is nota ‘take-out sushi’ level of masochist.

He looks outside.Checks his watch. At least two more hours of solid daylight. He wasn’t evenhungry yet. He could get some tortilla chips to snack on while trying to see ifhis oven still works.

Really… what couldhappen?

///

Mrs Lucas has spoilther.

It is the only reasonEmma is even contemplating this. That and the fact that it smells really good.

And look here, Emma isnot one of those girls that needs to always get what she wants. She iscertainly not used to getting whatshe wants. It’s just… her baby doesn’t seem to have followed in her footsteps.

It might havesomething to do with said baby not even having feet to walk with yet. Or… shethinks – tries to remember what she’s been readying semi-obsessively and thenthrowing under the bed as if the books are judging her for her singleness andbrokenness and the general dinginess of her apartment – maybe it has feetalready?

They’re definitelyforming but definitely not usable hence no following in any footsteps anytimesoon. There. She’s leaving it at that. Maybe she’ll dig out that last book fromunder her bed tonight. After she has some dinner.

Which brings her rightback to the problem at hand.

She is pretty surethat 5C is one of those bachelors that live on beer, pizza and whatever elseyou can get delivered to your door; has a football or poker night with the guysevery month – see the football she is sure about ‘cause those walls are fuckingthin and those boys are fucking loud but she likes to imagine the pokeras well ever since she saw the guy in this super slick vest that she is sureonly people who can actually step into a casino and somehow manage to not look sleazy own; occasionally blaststoo loud music but not often enough to warrant a complaint; puts Netflix on loud enough and regularly enough that her brokeass is hoping she can keep up with the new season of Stranger Things simply bymoving her couch next to the wall his TV sits against; never brings girls backto his place.

Honestly, Emma is notjudging (or stalking – the walls are thin).She’d probably be giving 5C a run for his money on the easy single living, ifshe wasn’t pregnant and broke and grumpy half the time and hungry the otherhalf – which also makes her grumpy, and generally disillusioned with humanityand the world and the idea that one might actually be able to enjoy life andnot struggle through it at every step and did she mention broke? She is brokeand constantly hungry and constantly trying to fool her baby into thinking thathe likes overcooked pasta and whatever fruits are on sale this week.

He doesn’t. He likeswhatever 5C is cooking.

///

This was a disastrousidea. The kind of disastrous idea he hasn’t had since he was 4 years old andthought that if he puts snails on Liam’s bed they’d stay there and not like…make their way all over the room that Killianshared with Liam.

This is worse thansnails. This is a dozen utensils in the sink already – because of course hetosses a spoon in the sink the second after he has used it once, of course, why put it to the side and use it again when hehas to stir his unholy concoction, and half a dozen plates – one of those inpieces in a trash bag by the door because your one hand being a slippery one isnot the situation in which you want to be handling porcelain.

He has a sizeable cuton his big toe where he stepped on one of the pieces and his t-shirt issticking to his back from the effort of grinding bloody vegetable – Jesus, heused to run miles without breaking a sweat and now blasted carrots are gettingthe best of him, and all he has to show for all his work is what he hopes is apassable mince.

Now for the mash. Hestill has three limbs and 14 uninjured digits to go…

///

Look, Emma doesn’thave much but she has her pride, ok? And this kid growing inside her has madeher relinquish her hold on that enough to knock on Mrs Lucas’s door and ask herwhat it was she put in her cookies because apparently Emma – or someone else, was addicted to it nowand it was not cinnamon. And that hadtransitioned into Emma becoming almost a firm fixture at Granny’s on weekendsand then into Emma busting tables for a month until Granny gave her a nononsense look and told her she won’t be doing this in a few more months, andafter a week of asking and listening and string pulling and cookie bribing, shegot her a job at August’s bookstore even though he still grumbles that he doesn’tlike anyone else ordering his books.

And, yes, this allworked out pretty well but Mrs Lucas was the one that came to her door on her first week in thebuilding with a plate of those cookies that by this point Emma can barely lookat.

(It’s what she does.She falls in love with peanut butter and then eats so many PBJ sandwiches thatnow she almost gets sick at the mere sight of a jar on the counter. And shehears the The Kooks coming from 5C’s wall and goes on to listen to them onrepeat for two weeks. Mind you, not even everything but just Junk of the Heartbecause she is mental like that. And she starts Modern Family, when she stillhad a freaking Netflix account, and binges the whole damn thing in a couple ofweekends and a few late week nights.)

So, yeah, Emma mighthave some addictive tendencies – the legal kind, and some impulse controlissues.

But Emma would neveractually go to someone’s door – someone she has never exchanged a single wordwith despite sometimes hearing their voice float through her wall – and, yeah,he has a pretty voice but what’s that gonna do for her? shitty people can havegreat voices, she is sure – to ask them forthe love of all that is good and holy, what they are cooking because it smellsso fucking good and she has to know and she has to have something that at leastcomes close to it.

She’d never.

///

It’s in the oven. It’sover. Well, all he has to do now is make sure he doesn’t burn the damn thing toa crisp. But if he managed to put it together in the first place, for the firsttime tonight, Killian thinks he can maybe pull this off.

///

It got worse. Worse asin better. Fuck, it got so much better. And now her stomach is grumbling andshe has made for the door three times in the last five minutes and for thefirst time tonight Emma is coming to the horrible realization that she probablywon’t be able to survive this day with her dignity intact.

///

He is just about todig into his plate – fancy plate set and fancy napkins that he didn’t even knowhe owned and the second episode of American Gods queued up and-

There’s a knock on hisdoor.

Killian freezes withhis fork in the air, eyebrows bunching together. Who on earth? He knows hehasn’t invited any of the guys over and Liam knows better than to just drop infor an unexpected ‘we are going out and getting you someone to go home with’visit by this point.

He waits. Nothing.Maybe he imagined it?

///

“There, happy?”

Emma glances down ather slightly rounded stomach and tries on her best ‘mom look’. She thinksshe’ll definitely need to work on that one before the baby comes out because heis already too stubborn for her owngood.

She glances at thedoor with 5C on it one more time, raises her hand and then drops it again.

No. She knocked. Thisis a sign. For once the universe is sparing her the embarrassment and-

“Yes?”

No, of course, not.Why would the universe ever spare her anything?

///

She must be the onethat knocked. 5B. His sweatpants neighbour.

Killian tries not tofeel bad about the nickname. They’ve never been properly introduced and… well,he has mostly seen her back disappearing inside her apartment or her back goingdown the stairs with laundry or her back rushing below his window on a jog. Sohe’s never seen her in anything but sweatpants. He’s not judging. It’s just…the only thing he had to go on.

She is in sweatpantsnow as well but as he looks at her to ask what she needs, he is taken aback byher green eyes. He is taken aback by the sudden realization that his neighbouris this young and very pretty woman and her eyes are the kind of eyes you can’thelp but notice.

It’s… interesting. Hehas heard the soundtrack of her daily life through the wall they share for afew months now but somehow he never imagined the face and body that must gowith those sounds.

As he thinks his gazeslides down almost involuntary and he doesn’t know what catches his attentionmore: the fact that she is a few months pregnant or the fact that she came overbarefoot.

The latter is trulyendearing, the former a tad disheartening for some reason.

Not that he hasanything against kids. Or pregnant women. It’s just… it’s not every day yourealize your neighbour is a pretty girl about your age and currently standingat your doorstep. But he shouldn’t have just assumed and anyway he doesn’treally… that is… is she ever gonna say something?

///

“Lass?”

Emma shakes her head alittle and wants to slap herself back into reality. You know that space andtime continuum where she is not attaching thisman to every sound she has ever heard come through their wall.

(She is convinced heplays air guitar when blasting Bon Jovi hits and that his eyes blaze reallybright when he is swearing at something about “bloody this” and “bloody that”.)

“Umm, hi. Sorry. I…”

He raises an eyebrow.She doesn’t really appreciate the mix of amusement and expectation. Then again,she is standing on his doorstep. He probably has some right to expect anexplanation. Why on earth didn’t she rehearse what she’ll say if he opened thedoor?

“Did you needsomething?”

Fuck.

“I just… ummm, am I botheringyou?”

“Not at all, lass. But,to be frank, I’ll probably be more capable of answering truthfully, if you toldme what you are here for.”

The hell? Was hetalking like that on purpose?

“I-“

Come on, Emma, like aband aid, nowhere to go now unless you wanna be the weirdo asking for a cup offlour.

“What you arecooking?’

///

“Oh.”

Oh. Bloody hell.

Killian can feel hischeeks heating up and focuses half his attention on keeping his hand at hisside and not scratching his damn ear.

“I apologize. I didn’tconsider the smell might bother some-“

“No. No, no, no. Ilike it! So… I was wondering what it was.”

She likes it? Thattimid feeling of pride he felt when he took his dinner out of the over and it wasn’t burn to a crisp grows threetimes.

“It’s just ashepherd’s pie. Slightly altered recipe. My mum’s. Supposedly, probably muckedit up along the way and it’s twice altered now but yeah… Shepherd’s pie.”

“Oh.”

///

Great. She was hopingfor something along the lines of a lasagna. Then maaaybe she could’ve boughtsome frozen crappy version from the supermarket and tried to cheat her bodyinto thinking it was the real thing.

But no, of course,not. It had to be shepherd’s pie. Family recipe edition. Just her damn luck.

“Well, thanks. Andsorry! I was just… curious. Sorry to bother you.”

///

She turns to go andthis might have been the most bizarre conversation he’s had this month.Including that guy on the underground with the orange hair.

Did she just want toknow what the smell invading her home was? She did say she liked it. Maybe-

She is already half toher door so Killian just thinks to hell with it.

“Would you like some?”

He sees her stop deadin her tracks and cringes, hoping he isn’t now the biggest weirdo of her month.And not in a good way.

The blonde turnsaround and he knows the second he sees her face that she would indeed likesome. But Killian likes to think of himself as at least moderately intelligentso he keeps his smile to himself and instead prepares for the distrust in hereyes that is obviously warring with her appetite.

“Do you usually offerfood to unknown women who come knocking on your door?”

“I can’t say, you arethe first.”

He doesn’t actuallysee her cheeks change colour but then again he thinks it might be because shehas been blushing this entire time.

“I didn’t mean tobother-“

“It’s no bother, love.Truly. Now that I feel knowledgeable enough about your intensions to say so.”

She rolls her prettygreen eyes in a way that has his pulse speeding up a bit.

“Plus I just made adish more people share with a family of four. For myself. I think I can sparewhatever you can eat.”

It’s a gamble thatpays off when he sees her eyes blaze up and let’s himself grin at herteasingly.

“I’m sorry, was that achallenge to how much I can eat?”

He steps aside andwaves her in.

She only hesitates fora second.

///

OK, first of all, hisapartment is waaay better than hers like, both bigger and with more naturallight coming in but also simply more tidy and colour-coordinated. Also, ifpossible, it smells even better inside and Emma’s eyes immediately zero in onthe dish on the kitchen counter.

She hears 5C chucklebehind her and tries not to feel even more embarrassed. Her capacity for itmust be running out by this point. Thankfully, he doesn’t make a comment butjust moves around his kitchen island and takes out a plastic food container.IKEA guy. Cute.

It probably takes hera bit longer than it should – what with her still mostly trying to pretend sheis not hustling her nice and pretty neighbour for food – but eventually Emmanotices the peculiar way he moves around his kitchen and operates only with hisright hand. A quick inspection proves that it is because he simply has no leftone to assist him.

“No shit!”

The guy startles ather words and turns around and probably follows her gaze because in the nextmoment the limb is tucked slightly behind him and he is giving her a tensesmile.

“Shit, I’m afraid.”

She honest to Godcovers her mouth. Better late than never. Or not.

“Shit. I mean, sorry!Sorry. I wasn’t- I was just- you cook?!”

5C frowns at her as ifher person skills are something that would only befit a visiting alien. He’sgot her there.

“Sorry. Again. But,like, I can’t cook for shit even with two hands.”

To be fair, the crapproducts she can afford probably have something to do with it but Emma is gonnabe a single mom pretty soon and she is pretty sure that “to be fair”s won’t cutit when she has to cook for her kid.

But makes-food-that-smells-illegally-good-single-handedlyneighbour seems to relax a little.

Foot – partially outof mouth.

///

Killian tries to unbunchthe muscles in his neck and not keep his right side weirdly angled towards her.It’s fine. Really, it’s fine. She was bound to notice eventually.

“To be honest, this ismy first try in quite some time.”

“Seriously?”

“Indeed. So if you getfood poisoning or something, I’m not to be held accountable.”

The thought gives himpause and he turns to her with his eyebrows all drawn together and almostreluctant to hand her the container in his hand.

“Actually, are youallergic to anything? I mean… I don’t think there’s anything too weird in itand everything I used was fresh but-“

He can’t help butglance down at her stomach. Gods, she ispregnant, right? This will be just the kind of thing-

But the blonde’s handcomes up to her stomach and she smiles at him almost shyly and Killian breathesout a quiet sigh of relief.

“I’m sure it will befine. I mean, the things I’ve been feeding myself… I’m pretty sure someonemight get a bit of a shock from the home-cooked food but definitely not the badkind.”

He tries not tooveranalyze the “feeding myself” part and instead nods and finally hands thecontainer with half of his shepherd’s pie inside.

“Whoa. You really arechallenging me.”

He laughs and dips hishead to the side to admire the way her eyes widen a little.

“It should keep for acouple of days if you put it in the fridge. And you can always just feed it toSmee.”

“Smee?”

“Oh.”

His cold ring grazeshis earlobe and dammit, he forgot to watch out for the damn tick.

“I named the cat thatalways hangs around behind the building.”

“Oooh, ok. And hellno.”

She hugs the food toher chest almost protectively and Killian laughs again and bloody hell, is hecoming across too giggly or something? What else can he say? He-

“Well, I shouldprobably let you finally eat your dinner. Whatever you have left,” she beatshim to it and juts her thumb at the door and he can’t really do anything butnod.

///

She is alreadystepping outside, teeth embedded in her lip and what do you say to the cute neighbour that fed you dinner but not inthe date sense?

“Oh. I’m Emma, by theway. Emma Swan.”

His eyes light up andEmma finally gets to put a mark in the ‘didn’t fuck it up’ column.

“Pleasure to meet you,Swan. Killian Jones. Always at your service, though I must warn you, myculinary repertoire is quite limited.”

Killian Jones with thefancy words and delicious food. Fuck.

///

She uses her employeediscount on something other than baby books for the first time.

He finds the bookwaiting for him outside his door. The post-it note says “This is why peoplelike home-cooked food. Who knew.” And the book is Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things and it takes him a momentto connect the dots and remember that he was watching Amarican Gods the othernight and, yeah, maybe it makes him feel kinda good that Emma Swan noticed andremembered that.

///

He tries some Mexicannext and it’s 100% because his favourite place has gone to crap and not at allbecause he once saw their delivery guy in front of 5B.

She opens the door andhis face is half-obscured by an IKEA container and he says it’s just a not sosubtle reminder that she hasn’t returned the other one yet and she pretends tobelieve him.

///

She reasons that youcan’t return food containers empty so she tries to bake muffins because muffinsare supposed to be easy.

He hears the firealarm and five second later he is banging on her door and having a veryflustered Emma Swan dragging him inside and pointing at her oven or what can beseen of it behind the cloud of smoke and explaining how it’s all his fault.

///

He’s been looking fora not food-related reason to knock on her door for a week and coming up emptyand he is damn rusty when it comes to talking to pretty girls but then againshe is pregnant and the fact that he didn’t see a naked man in the middle ofher kitchen the one time he was there for 10 minutes doesn’t mean anything somaybe that’s for the best.

She knocks on his doora day after Stranger Things comes out with three bags of popcorn, explainingthat only one of them is for him, obviously.

///

She lives to binge andyet here she is trying to stretch an 8-episode season over more than a week.

He honestly debatescalling Netflix and begging them to somehow somehowrelease more episodes of their damn show.

///

He has been thisscared exactly once in his entire life and that situation included headlightscoming straight at him.

She has a freakingstomach ache, probably from too much popcorn, and she is almost as embarrassedwhen she comes out of the doctor’s office as she was that first night sheknocked on his door but Killian doesn’t really seem to care how she is ok as long as she is.

///

She is scrollingthrough her Instagram at work and she is so bored and distracted that shealmost misses it but then she goes back and blinks and then goes to the accountto check this is not some sort of ridiculous surveillance thing or she doesn’teven know what – but sure enough, there – on @cutestparentstobe, is a pictureof her very pregnant self, eating ice-cream on the beach with one KillianJones.

He doesn’t know how heworms his way into a doctor’s appointment, he just knows that when the nursecalls him “daddy” Emma kinda sputters but doesn’t say anything to contradicther and he sure as hell keeps his trap shut and just smiles and nods when theygive him an ultrasound picture all for himself.

///

They’ve been doingwhatever they are doing for 4 freaking months and within the first couple ofweeks they were already using like only 30% of his couch for the both of themand in a month they started venturing outside the bubble of their apartmentsand Emma never thought she’d be thehand-holding type but yeah, they kinda hold hands all the time and they hug,like, every day and they text all the freaking time while they are at work andshe meets Liam when she is 7 months pregnant and convinced that he is gonnahate her on sight for saddling his little brother with herself and he doesn’treally but he also doesn’t seem to love her on sight and Killian is verypointedly unamused by the lukewarm reception but honestly, Emma is just glad tobe given a chance here, and he goes shopping for baby stuff she can barelyafford with her and then he goes shopping for baby stuff by himself and shegets kinda angry and they kinda break up or whatever at least twice, basicallyeach time Emma decides that this is ridiculous and he can’t just date a girlthat is having another guy’s baby and that’s twice the size she should be andthat he’s only known for a few months and one night Killian lines up fourfreaking shepherd’s pies outside her door and if she even keeps her door closedto that then she must be dead inthere and one night he lets it slip about these therapy sessions that he issupposed to go to but doesn’t and she basically makes an appointment for himand drags him out of the door and maybe threatens him with not coming to herdoctor’s appointments anymore, if he doesn’t go to his.

And through all that and then some, they never actuallykiss.

Sure he kisses hercheek when he wishes her goodnight and she kisses his head when he falls asleepon her during Lord of the Rings and he kisses her hand placatingly every timehe tries to dissuade her from helping him with dinner and she kisses hisforearm in the park that one time he freaks out on her because she is on hisleft side and goes to hold his arm and he kisses her stomach the first time shegrabs his hand and lets him feel the baby kicking but-

They’ve never properly kiss and it’s this lastfrontier and maybe he is waiting for her to cross it but she just can’t seem to.

And then she is givingbirth and he is there when she is givingbirth and they haven’t even kissed.

And then there’s Henryand they both kiss him plenty but-

///

they don’t kiss whenKillian refuses to hold her baby and she is hurt and offended and so confusedand kinda angry and then he says he can’t, he can’t hold him with one hand andshe is just sad and, yeah, maybe still kinda angry but also eerily calm as shebents Killian’s elbow and gives him the kind of look that makes him shut hismouth audibly and places her son in his arms

they don’t kiss whenKillian barges in on her breastfeeding and twirls around on the spot, slappinga hand over his face and sputtering apologies while all she can do is laugh andlaugh and tell him to stop acting like her tits are a big deal and make her acup of that crappy decaf coffee and he does and he also makes sure to look herdirectly in the eyes and then wink very poorly when he says that her tits are a big deal

they don’t kiss when Henrystarts teething and Emma is up at all hours of the night and she looks likefucking hell and Killian tells her so in no uncertain terms and basically,somehow, taking advantage of her sleep-deprived brain, manages to rope her intoa teeth-sharing plan which basically includes her passing half of her insomniaonto him and Emma can’t forgive him and at the same time can’t love him enoughand yeah, she loves him now and they’ve known each other for a year and they haven’t fucking kissed and what ever

///

they don’t kiss whenshe asks him if he thinks maybe, possibly Liam would like to meet Henry and allKillian can do is nod and swallow and start planning the kind of lecture he’llgive his brother, if he dares to voice any of his doubts about the soundness of the situation, but Liamseems to think that if his brother is spending half his day around a certainbaby – no matter whose it is – it probably isn’t a terrible idea for him tomeet said baby and Liam Jones may be a military man and he may have nevergotten over the fact that he didn’t manage to protect his little brother fromall the evils of the world and he may have been determined to give Emma Swan ahard time for even the slightest hint of her using Killian but he is also puttyin the hands of Henry Swan within 10 minutes

they don’t kiss thefirst time she uses the key to his apartment and sneaks into his bedroom in themiddle of the night – baby in her arms and her hair into the messiest bun thathas ever been twisted and her damn sweatpants and her eyes all puffy and herwhispered worries all about not being able to do it and being all alone and notbeing good enough and he just folds himself around both of them and tries tostart the process of getting each ridiculous notion out of her head

they don’t kiss when shetells Henry to spot throwing his food all over daddy and Killian just standsthere – carrot puree all over his t-shirt, and watches as she continueswhipping the eggs in front of her as if she didn’t just- and he loves them bothtoo damn much to point it out and risk having her take it back and bloody hell,he loves her now and they’ve been together for all intents and purposes forover a year now and they haven’t bloodykissed and good lord

///

She comes back fromthe store and heads directly to Killian’s apartment and tries to calculate ifshe and Henry are spending more time at her place or at his at this point. Butas soon as she opens the door and the smell hits her, her calculations are leftoutside in the cold and it’s all she can do not to moan out loud. Turns out itwasn’t just the little guy growing inside her that made her love Killian’spies.

She hears the lowmurmur of Killian’s voice and decides to tiptoe into the kitchen as quietly aspossible. She wants to look at them without giving her presence away just yet,when it’s just them.

And sure enough Henryis tucked into Killian’s left arm, his little fist twisted into the hair at theback of her boyfriend’s neck (god, he is not her freaking boyfriend, along withHenry in his arms he is her entire fucking universe).

She knows what theyare making already but she narrows her eyes as she realizes that she has neveractually seen Killian make his shepherd’spie.

“This is the only wayI can make your mom eat these, Henry.”

He twirls a broccoliin front of her son’s little nose and Emma rolls her eyes. Partially because it’strue and partially because the broccoli version is not her most favourite.

“When you are oldenough I’m gonna teach you how to make it on your own but for now I’ll justshow you how to make yourself a little forest.”

She honestly doesn’tknow if it’s the implication of years tocome in his promise, the fact that he says it so confidently, so easily,without any doubt, without any caveat of “if we are still together”, withoutany alternative in his mind. Or if it’s the fucking forest of broccoli that heis arranging around his chopping board like the most precious human being thathe is.

Emma honestly doesn’tknow. But she does drop the bag she is carrying on the floor and she crossesthe space between them in the time it takes Killian to turn around and open himmouth to greet her. And then she finally finallyfeels his lips under her own.

He tastes even betterthan his damn pie.

[is-i-halloween-yet]

Mayor Damien Day 06: During WKM

Warning: ANGST, BAD EDITING, BUT HOLY SHIT IT WAS FUNNNN, also it starts to get longer

(AN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE this and the next part, also also I am sorry I am a million days late.. You do not have to reblog this but it was fun to write!! I wanted to finish it...Final? Part? Tonight? Or Tomorrow?)

“Mark.” You smiled brightly, hugging him tightly as he tensed slightly, “It is so good to see you.”

You could feel Mark tense under your arms, not hugging you back only pulling away, his whole being shaking as he looked you up and down, “You are not supposed to be here Y/N… You didn’t get an invitation… You’re not supposed to be here! What are you doing here?”

“I haven’t heard from you in years brother.” You forced a smile though your words broke at his words. Still you grabbed his arm, more for his support than yours, “Brother? What is wrong? Are you ill?” You were moving your hand to his forehead to feel for a temperature, but he caught it, squeezing it tightly before you could even reach, “You-Your freezing...”

“You NEED to leave.” Mark squeezed tighter as his words got harsher.

“Mark... Mark you’re hurting me...”

“YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW Y/N!”

“Sorry I am a little late.” The voice of Damien caused both of you to jump, Mark dropping your wrist and Damien handing you your bag, “You left it in the car. Mark! My dear friend.” Damien held out his hand, grabbing Mark’s still shaking palm before he could even reply, “Hopefully this is not an issue, you said i could bring a plus one and i assumed your sisters invitation got lost in the mail so... Are you alright old friend?” Damien dropped his hand walking closer to Mark as his feature expressed concern, “You’re as pale as the dead.”

Mark said nothing, only forced a smile as he backed up the stairwell, a strange laugh being released from his mouth, “I am fine! Just got to get ready! Ha! Go have some drinks I will be right down! Ha-”

“Mark wait-” You caught his hand, squeezing it tenderly with one hand and reaching for the chain around your neck , “Mark we have something we need to talk to you about. Something by private…”

He sighed placing his free hand over yours as he smiled gently before making a elegant show of shoving it away walking to the top while mumbling, “Later darling sister. Later.”

Defeated you sighed, clutching the staircase as both exhaustion from defeat and your aching head drowned your bones, your other hand clutching the chain as Damien came from behind you practically sensing your distress, wrapping a hand around your waist and placing a hand on your forehead as your hands played with the chain gently. He sighed, pulling you into his chest were you rested your head weakly, “I thought you said you were going to go to the doctor?”

“No time.” You replied gently, a small smile on your features, “I wish I could understand why he won’t talk to us… Why he didn’t send me an invite?”

“You weren’t exactly subtle.  Not that I mind.” He smirked, pulling the chain out of hiding, his hands falling to the ring, “You are however, still sick… Get some rest. We will talk to Mark later, but you look like you are going to be sick again. Butler!” He hollard and guided you to the man, “Take her to our room please? I will fetch her later.”

But you stopped, ushering the butler away, waiting till he was out of earshot before you grabbed one of Damien’s hands, his free one going to the already devolved bruises from where your brother had gripped you, “Are we... I mean-?”

“Yes.” He cut you off, “We are. This is the best choice. All of us will be happy should he consider this. And he will.” He leaned foreword and kissed your forehead, trying not to shutter at the heat it radiated but he still pulled away with a smile, “Rest now. Worry later. Benjamin!”

The butler nodded as he came back into view and shoved you away, Damien shifting awkwardly with his cane until the detective approached him, boring conversation about town ensuing until someone came into sight.

“Oh hello old friend! How are you settling into your new office?”

“Y/N don’t go in there.”

You were exhausted, weak, still in your night clothes as you did not leave your bed since the night before and you were more concerned about your hunger than the words and harsh stares you were getting. Some were questioning but from the DA and Butler they were full of pity, Damien stepping in front of you to prevent you from walking into the room. This, however only made you push further. 

“This isn’t funny you guys, Damien, I would like to get through please.”

Damien did not reply only grabbed your shoulders and massaged them though you kept shoving, “Y/N-” 

“Let. Me. Through.” You spoke weakly, forcibly shoving past him with the last bit of energy, falling to the ground, my head hitting the ground harshly, whining and Damien kneeling beside me, slowly pulling me into him but not before I saw the corpse in front of me.

“Hey... Y/N..”

But I did not listen, or could not hear as I crawled to Mark, checking his pulse, but was repulsed at how cold and grey it was, pulling back my hand as I crawled to the nearest garbage can and vomited. 

“Y/N.” Damien tried again, his voice delicate, gently kneeling beside me and wrapping his arms around me with intent of picking me up, though I gently attempted to move away but to no avail, “Y/N I am so sorry.”

You tensed as he picked you up, “Is this a joke?” You looked away from Damien, having only briefly seen his sad eyes so you settled on everyone else, “It’s a really realistic mannequin. I will give you that.” 

“Y/N-”

You chuckled darkly , struggling against Damien's strong and loving embrace, full of support you couldn’t bring yourself to accept but he wouldn’t let go, “Awh where is Will? He organized this didn’t you?”

“Y/N-”

“Just come clean... Or better yet come on out. Mark! Mar-”

“Y/N!” Damien spoke loud but firm with no form of malice. It was enough to pull you out of your panic and up into his teary eyes, quickly echoing his tears as you leaned into his chest and wept, his lips meeting the back of your head, “Sh... Will you excuse us?”

But he didn’t say a word, just walked you into your bedroom and held you for an hour until you fall asleep.

“Yes we are engaged! Yes we came here to ask Mark to break things off with Celine, but he was my brother and I hadn’t heard from him in years, I would never harm him. Ever.”

The detective snickered, clearly not believing your words as Will held you back, “Well clearly-”

“Enough!” Celine exclaimed in range, “Come with me Y/N we need to talk.”

You looked to Will as he let go of you, nodding gently to you as you weakly followed her into the library to which she promptly shove you against the wall by your neck, “I warned you to stay away. And you even have the the audacity to come into my home and ask my husband-”

“You.. Don’t… Love him… Wh- Is F-f-f-ine bu-b-b-b-but you broke his-hear-” But you couldn’t  continue from lack of air, bile rising up, and hands getting tighter.

You thought this would be the end, you were almost certain of it when Damien burst into the room and Celine dropped you, leaving you crawling to a garbage nearby as you began to vomit, Damien going to you to hold your hair back. “What is the meaning of this?” Celine said nothing only walking out of the room leaving the two of you alone, “Y/N? Are you alright?” But you couldn’t speak after you finished, only leaning against his chest whimpering as you closed your eyes, the world going dimmer, “Will! Someone get in here! Get in here! Take her to her room!”

But none came and the darkness grew, your vocals suddenly returning to say a final, “I love you.” to Damien before it all consumed you.

The complete panic on his face being the last thing you saw.

“What are you doing Celine?” Damien stared at his sister with as much anger as he could muster at his twin, “First Y/N, then the DA? Are these things you are meddling with?” Celine said nothing, only gesture for Damien to sit as she held out her hand, “I will not help you with these games until you ans-.”

Celine grabbed Damien’s hand forcing him into the chair with strength he did not know she had, her other hand placing Dark’s over the ball. “There is no other choice.” She murmured and with a final glare and smirk, Damien was trapped and surrounded in darkness, his last thought going to Y/N.

“This is the only way.”

[lindseyluvsdrag]

Afterbirth Pt. 2 (final)

At around one in the afternoon, Violet stiffly sat up,  frowning when she didn't see Matt next to her. She figured that the man was downstairs so she opted for showering and doing her hair before she descended them.

Matt and Clark were nowhere to be found, but there was a note stuck to the refrigerator explaining why.

“Gone to the park, be back soon. Love, Matt and Clark,” Violet read aloud before wrinkling her nose. “The park, huh? Someone will need a bleach bath when she gets home.”

---

Clark pressed her face against the jewelry store display case. “Oooo, I like this oneeee. It's so shiny!”

Matt looked at the emerald green gem set in white gold. “Do you like that ring for Mommy or for you?”

“Me,” she said with a giggle. “It looks like kryptonite.”

“Hmm, it does look like kryptonite. But we don't want to give her kryptonite, do we?”

“Nah,” the toddler sighed as she continued to look.

“What about this one, boo?”

Clark shook her head in distaste. “Too small. Mommy likes her diamonds the way she likes her men: bi-”

Matt covered his daughter's mouth with his hand. “Hey! Where did you hear that?!”

The girl's response was muffled by his palm so he moved his hand.

“I heard Mommy say it to Aunt Naomi.”

The man groaned. “Well, don't say that, okay?”

She frowned. “Why not?”

“Because it means something bad.”

“Oh...okay,” she chirped as she turned her attention back to the rings.

“How is this one?” he asked, pointing at the simple, solitaire diamond.

“No, Daddy, no! Do you not understand what Mommy likes at all?!”

---

“P.S. we left you some breakfast in the fridge,” Violet discovered as she continued to read the note. “Aww.”

The woman opened the refrigerator and smiled. The food tray supported a plate of pancakes, bacon, eggs and a slim glass vase that held a single red rose.

“How cute.”

---

“How ugly!” Clark groaned.

“What? What's wrong with this one?” Matt asked.

“I don't like the little swirly thingssss.”

“They're called paisleys.”

Clark scoffed. “That's not a cute name and I still don't like them.”

“Okay, I'm done with you, little lady. You don't like anything and-”

Clark slammed her hands and face against the glass. “This one, Daddy,” she said as if she was in a trance. “This is it.”

Matt caught a glimpse of the ring and couldn't believe in his daughter's taste in jewelry. “That's actually really nice, Clark. Excuse me? Can we look at this ring?”

“Sure,” the jeweler responded as she unlocked  the glass display, slid it open and grabbed the ring from its case. She handed over the selected piece.

“Wow…” Matt exhaled as he examined it. “This looks like the-”

“Power gem,” he and Clark said collectively.

“It's an Alexandrite, one of the rarest of all the natural gemstones,” the employee informed. “It's famed for having the ability to change its color. From green in daylight to red under incandescent lighting.”

“Holy shit. So what color would you consider it now?”

“It's a mix of the two.”

“That's amazing. And I love how the prongs look like claws.”

“I like the Power gem,” Clark chirped.

“Same.”

“Alexandrite is very popular because it's also the June birthstone,” the jeweler added.

Clark gasped. “Mommy's birthday is in June! And mine too!”

“This couldn't be anymore perfect,” Matt admitted. “We'll take it.”

“Yayyyy,” Clark cheered. “Mommy will love it!”

“Yeah, so you have to keep this a secret, okay?”

“Okay!”

The jeweler smiled. “And how would you like to pay for this? We offer discounts on cash purchases.”

“Oh... I didn't even think about the price. How much is it?”

“A natural two carat Alexandrite surrounded by  diamonds and set in platinum will run you about $28,000.”

It was the last thing that Matt heard before he hit the floor in a loud thump after fainting. Minutes later, he awoke to the toddler sitting on his chest as she slapped his face with her tiny hands.

“Hmm?” Matt humed. “You want pancakes?”

“No, Daddy, get up! You're making a scene,” she whispered.

Matt slowly lifted his eyelids and saw Clark's vivid blue eyes staring back at him with a frown while  the frantic jeweler continued to speak into the phone.

“Oh, no it's okay. Yes. He's awake now. Thank you, bye. Sir, are you okay?”

“I think so,” he groaned. “What happened?”

“You fainted when you heard the price of Mommy's ring,” Clark informed.

“Fuck- I mean, fudge,” the man groaned as he sat up and grabbed the girl. “I can't afford that price.”

“With a cash payment, I can get you down to $22,000,” the jeweler offered.

“Yeah, because that's just so much cheaper,” he said sarcastically. “Let's go, Clark.”

The girl frowned. “But what about a ring for Mommy?”

“I'll get her something out of the quarter machine.”

“Ughhhh! Why are you being so cheat?!”

“Cheat?”

“Yes! Mommy likes nice things!”

“I know and so do you, little lady. Why do you think I'm so broke now?” He grabbed the small lapels of her blouse. “This doesn't come cheap.”

Clark rolled her eyes.

“Don't get grumpy on me.”

She folded her arms.

“We're at the mall, want a soft pretzel?”

Any trace of Grumpy Clark quickly faded away. “Yes!”

She grabbed her father's hand and skipped out of the store with him.

---

“When I originally wanted to propose to your mom, I looked everywhere before deciding to go with a custom ring. The custom ring didn't even cost $1000. How do you expect me to pay $28,000 for a ring now?”

“Because it's cute,” Clark said simply as she stuffed the cinnamon sugar coated dough into her mouth.

“Well, so am I but you don't see me being all high maintenance.”

“We could sell lemonade for the money,” the girl suggested.

“Do you know how much lemonade we'd have to sell to make $28,000?”

“A lot?”

“Yeah. It'd probably take us years.”

“I don't mind.”

“You don't?”

“Nope. If it's for you or Mommy, I'd do it.”

Matt's heart melted. “Okay, Clark. You ready to get out of here?”

Clark nodded. “I'm sure Mommy misses us.”

“If she's even awake yet,” he smugly mumbled to himself.

---

After her breakfast, Violet flung herself onto the couch with her cellphone in hand.

“Awww, that sounds like so much funnnn,” she whined. “Why couldn't I have gone on your honeymoon with youuuu? Yeah, you're right. I don't want to see either of your vaginas.”

Matt and Clark entered the home and the girl skipped over to her mother.

“Hi, sweetheart! Yeah, Clark is here…Aunt Naomi says ‘greetings from Venice’.”

“Hi, Aunt Naomi! Can I talk to her?”

“In a second. We're discussing something important. No, Naomi, I don't care if it's a surgically manufactured vagina. Perfect or not, I don't wanna see your pussy.”

Matt saw Clark wrinkle her nose as she processed the new word. The man grabbed Violet's phone and placed it to his ear.

“What th-”

“Hey, Naomi,” he greeted. “Violet will call you back,” the man said as he hung up.

“Why the hell did you do that?!” Violet demanded. “She just found good signal!”

“Clark, ears,” he ordered.

The toddler covered her ears with her hands before Matt turned his attention back to the woman. “You really need watch what you say in front of her because apparently, 'Mommy likes her dia-’” the man paused. He didn't want to reveal what they'd done that day so he swiftly reiterated. “She basically insinuated that you like big men.”

“She isn't wrong,” Violet retorted just to get under the man's skin for hanging up on her friend.

“Don't curse or say inappropriate things around her.”

“She knows better than to repeat curse words, and if she hears anything bad, oh well, she needs to learn how to censor herself and whatnot  before school starts... and...why are you looking at me like that?”

“Cause I'm not fucking playing with you,” he snarled. “Watch what you say around my daughter.”

Violet had two options. She could remind the man that Clark was her daughter too and start a big argument about it or admit that she found agressive Matt sexy and obey whatever he had to say.

“Clark, go to your room,” Violet ordered.

The second that the girl was up the stairs, Matt was prepared for a fight, so when Violet threw her arms around his neck he nearly flipped the woman over before he realized that she was kissing him.

He appreciated the gesture, but the man wasn't ready to let her off of the hook just yet. “You better watch what you say in front of my baby.”

“Okayyy, Mr. Lent. I sent her to her room because I didn't want her to see how much I love her daddy's dick,” she said as she sank to her knees.

“Noooo,” Matt whispered. “She could come back down.”

“Clark, stay in your room!”

“Yes, Mommy!”

“Alright, wai-” he got out before throwing his head back in pleasure when Violet cleaned his penis with a sanitary wipe before sliding it into her mouth.

The woman knew exactly what she was doing when she sucked in her cheeks around the man's shaft while she deep throated him. One of her hands stroked the base of his dick as the other hand massaged his balls.

“Fuckkk,” Matt moaned. He placed both of his hands on Violet's head, aiding in his pleasure as he guided her along his cock.

“Mmmm,” she hummed around him.

“Ooo,” he groaned as he attempted to make his way towards the couch.

“You know your man buns aren't allowed on my couch,” Violet reminded.

“But my knees are buckling,” he panted.

“I don't care, Matthew. Just stand here and accept the fucking blowjob.”

The man had no further complaints as Violet slipped his cock back into her mouth and did what he considered to be pure magic. And once she did that particular thing that she does when she's feeling generous, Matt knew that he wouldn't last much longer.

“Babe, I'm gonna come,” he grunted.

Violet swiftly pulled away. “Go, go, go,” she ordered.

Due to the fact that Matt wasn't allowed to finish anywhere near Violet without a condom, the man rushed into the nearest bathroom and shot his load of cum into the toilet.

“Shit.”

Violet approached from behind and kissed his neck. “I love youuuu.” She looked into the toilet and grimaced. “Eww, flush ittttt,” she squealed before rushing off.

Matt grinned. “They'll survive this. They're strong swimmers.”

“Matthewwww, stopppppp. You're going to give me cum nightmares.”

The man laughed as he flushed the toilet then exited the bathroom. “So if I asked you to swallow, you wouldn't?”

Violet frowned. “But why would you ask me to swallow if you know it freaks me outttt?”

“I’m just saying.”

She cringed. “You'd have to buy me a Birkin bag and some goddamn Giuseppes if you want that to happen.”

“I don't know what either of those things are but noted. Andddd...what if I wanted another baby?”

The woman's eyes grew wide.

“Okay, okay. I'm not saying that I do. But in an alternate universe in a hypothetical situation, if I wanted a second child, would you be willing to let that happen?”

“You mean get fat and hormonal and crazy and risk stretch marks all over again?

Matt sighed. “I'm sorry for asking.” He made his way towards the stairs.

“Matthew.”

He stopped.

“If you wanted another child... I'd gain the weight and get crazy and risk stretch marks for it...for you. I have an amazing daughter with you and um-ugh, why I am getting emotional?” she sniffled as she fanned her eyes with her hands. “I love you and in an alternate universe, in a hypothetical situation, if that's what you wanted, I'd be willing to sacrifice my thighs.”

At that moment, Matt knew that this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He approached her and took her lips against his. “I love you.”

She smiled. “I love you too.”

Matt rubbed his forehead as several thoughts hit him at once. “I'll get started on dinner. You call Naomi and apologize to her for me again. Um, and I'll start dinner.”

“You already said that,” Violet giggled as she watched the seemingly anxious man.

“Okay, then, I'll get Clark washed up.”

“No, I'll do it. I want to scrub that park air off of her.”

“Fine, but I need to talk to her about something first.”

“Oh, yeah? About what?”

“Um...ugh.. the dangers of opting for a thirty year mortgage,” he rushed.

The woman was perplexed but decided not to question the man. “Alright, well have fun. I'll run her bath water.”

“Okay.” Matt continued to stare at Violet through lovey-dovey eyes as he blindly reached for the first stair step which he missed, causing him to nearly fall on his face. The man saved himself by gripping the railing, casually playing it off with ease while he turned back to the woman. “I love you,” he said smoothly.

Violet giggled and watched as the man rushed up the stairs without any further slip ups.

He rushed into his daughter's bedroom and noticed that the girl wore nothing but her underwear, goggles and her favorite cape as she dashed around the room.

“Clark, where are your- nevermind. I need your help getting Mommy out of the house.”

“My name isn't Clark, it's Super Clark!” she declared as she jumped from the bed to the cushioned rocking chair that was salvaged from her nursery days.

“Okay, well, Super Clark. I need you to get your mother out of the house tonight. Tell her you want to go to Auntie Rose's house with her because they have a pool.”

“But I don't want to swim right now.”

“Clark,” he groaned in exasperation.

“It’s Super Clark!”

Before the man could promise her cookies in exchange for her help, Violet called the girl for her bath. Clark grabbed her Avenger's towel from the closet and rushed into the bathroom at the same time that Matt was hit with an idea so brilliant that it made his smile curl in a way that could be comparable to the Grinch.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” he shouted as he sprinted down the hallway.

A concerned Violet rushed out to meet him. “What's wrong?”

“I saw a spider! A huge spider!”

“Well, did you kill it?!”

“No! It got away! I swore I saw it heading towards your cleaning closet!”

The woman's eyes grew wide in horror. “Matthew! Please, go find it!”

“I will but until then, it's not safe for you and Clark to be here. You know what they say about bugs? Seeing one just means that there's 1,000 more lurking around.”

The woman's eyes began to well up. “Matthew, please, stop,” she sniveled.

“I'm just being honest, babe. It looked poisonous. You and Clark need to go to Rose's house while I hunt it down or call an exterminator or something.”

“Okay,” she practically sobbed. “Clark!”

“That's Super Clark, to you!”

“Come on, sweetheart, we have to go!” Violet quickly rushed into the bathroom and secured her daughter in towels until nothing but her eyes showed through the cloth cocoon. “We have to go,” her mother sniffled.

The man felt bad for lying and making Violet cry, but he knew that it'd all be worth it when his plan was thoroughly executed.

“It's gonna be okay, babe,” he said as he kissed her quivering lips. “I'll call you when I find it.”

Clark said something but it was muffled by her cocoon.

Matt lowered the cloth around her lips. “What'd you say?”

“I'm Super Clar-” she returned to being muffled when Matt pulled the towel back over her mouth.

“I love you so much,” Violet declared. “Be careful.”

“I love you too. I will- oh my God, is that it?!” he shouted as he pointed.

The woman didn't even turn to look before she bolted down the stairs and out of the front door, shrieking at the top of her lungs all the while.

Matt didn't know whether to feel bad or laugh, but he didn't waste time making his way to the storage closet to retrieve all of the boxes labeled 'Christmas’.

---

When the distraught Violet arrived at Rose's house, she bathed her daughter and dressed her spare clothing that she kept there prior to telling her sister the entire situation at hand.

“Wow, that's crazy.”

“I know right,” she said as she wiped her eyes. “Matthew is so chivalrous.”

“I don't know about chi-”

“He is very chivalrous!” Violet defended. “Any man who'd risk his life against an army of a 1000 poisonous spiders is a fucking hero.”

Rose rolled her eyes as Violet continued her rant.

“He protects me. He protects Clark. He's a great father. He knows how to fuck.”

“TMI.”

“I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“But does he even feel the same way? Why hasn't he proposed yet?”

“I don't know. Maybe because he's scared. But hell, I don't want to wait any longer.” Violet pushed herself off of the couch and grabbed her car keys.

“Where are you going?” Rose asked.

“To the jewelry store. I'm going to propose to him.”

---

When Violet returned Rose still couldn't believe what her sister had said before rushing out of the front door. She palmed the woman's forehead.

“Are you sick?”

“Noooo, Rose. I'm in loveeee.”

“You're delusional! Chachki women don't chase men, okay? They chase us.”

“But I wanna be marriedddd. Why can't I be married like you?”

“You can if you'd wait.”

“I can't wait seven years like you did, Rose. I love him,” she said laughing through her tears. “I need to be his wifeeee.”

Rose was convinced that her sister had finally snapped. “Do I need to call Dr. Francis?”

Violet scoffed. “No! You don't need to call our childhood therapist!” She paused and placed a finger on her chin. “Unless he does premarital counseling.”

Rose grabbed her younger sister by the shoulders and began to shake her. “Snap out of it!”

“Oh, Rose, he snaps me in and out of it all night longggg. I mean, I'm just starting to get the feeling back in my toes from last night and I may need a wheelchair soon.”

The woman groaned. “He's untrustworthy! He was married and didn't even tell you. Do you even know if he got a divorce? How do you know he didn't lie about that too?!”

Violet frowned. “You may have a point.”

“Ya think?!”

The woman pulled out her phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling him. I'm going to make him assure me that he's divorced.”

Rose snatched her sister's cellphone. “You can't ask him! He's the liar in this situation.”

“Then who am I supposed to ask, Rose?!”

“The wife!”

---

It wasn't hard to find Shea's cellphone number seeing as how she tagged every other Facebook post with #goingouttonight #hmu #3239876542 #bringblunts.

Violet anxiously gnawed on the inside of her cheek as she dialed the number and waited for a response.

“Thank you for calling Shea's spank bank, you jerk it, I slurp it. How may I help you?”

Violet doubled checked her phone to ensure that she'd dialed the right number.

“Hello?” Shea asked.

“Um, hello? Shea?”

“The one and only. Who is this?”

“It's Violet.”

Shea knew exactly who the woman was but she quickly decided that acknowledging that fact wouldn't be any fun. “Who?”

“Violet Chachki, Matthew’s girlfriend.”

“Violet... Violet…” Shea pondered. “The blonde? You know Matty just has so many bitches.”

The woman huffed. “No, the brunette who you were so obsessed with that you decided to print my picture on your crop top.”

“Ooooh, you! Hi, my dear, how are you?”

“I’m fine. I have a question fo-”

“You aren't going to reciprocate and ask how I am?! How rude!”

Violet rolled her eyes. “How are you, Shea?”

“I'm amazingggg. How are you?”

“I'm- you already asked me that.”

The woman laughed. “Just making sureeee.”

“I have a very direct question to ask you.”

“Yes, Violet. Yes, I will have sex with you,” she responded. “Absolutely.”

“Wha- no! Are you and Matthew still married?”

“Hmm, he didn't tell you?”

“He told me that the papers were signed but I never got a status update. Were the papers filed? I have reasonable doubt because, now that I think about it, he never celebrated the ‘official divorce’ and it's just weird.”

“Interesting. Matty is such a devious little thing, isn't he?”

“Um, I guess- wait, what? No, he's amazing and I want to marry him.”

Shea raised an eyebrow. “Is that so? How are the polygamy laws in New York?”

Violet frowned. “So, you are still married?”

“Meet me for lunch tomorrow and I'll reveal all,” she said before hanging up.

“Ugh,” Violet groaned. “This bitch is literally a psychopath.”

“What did she say?” Rose asked.

“She wants me to meet with her so that she can 'reveal all’.”

“What is there to tell?! Are they divorced or not?!”

“I don't knowww,” Violet whined.

“Well, you're definitely not meeting her by yourself. Let's find some badass outfits and meet this bitch Chachki style.”

---

“Is this the beginning...or the end?” Matt grumbled to himself as he plugged one end of the Christmas lights into another end. “Fuck!” he squealed like a teenage girl when it zapped him.

---

“Super Clark doesn't go to bed!” the toddler shouted as she dashed through her aunt's house in nothing but her underwear and flowing cape.

“Clark, get over here, now!” Violet demanded. “Put your clothes back on!”

“Never, evildoer!”

---

Matt sifted through the box of ornaments. He grabbed the purple crystal one and read the writing that was printed on the front. “Violet's first Christmas. Aww.” The man approached the tree and placed the ornament on a weak branch that sent the glass crashing to the floor when he let go. “Shit. Well...she won't notice if it's missing.”

---

“Evil...pure...evil,” Clark grumbled in a weak voice while her mother rocked her as if she was newborn again. It was a surefire way to put the girl to sleep, but only if you could catch her first. After several minutes of missing the child that was faster than a speeding bullet, Violet used the blanket as if it was a net, dropping it over the girl's head to distract her long enough to catch her daughter into her arms prior to rhythmically cradling her.

“I'm not evil,” Violet replied as she kissed the girl's cheek.

“Mm hmmm. You fight with the worst kryptonite, villain. My one...true... weakness.”

“What’s your one true weakness?”

“Bedtime,” she whispered, stifling a yawn.

Violet smiled. “Noted.”

---

Matt seductively twirled the silver garland to the music.

“Santa babyyyyyyy, I really-” he jumped when his phone began to ring. The man was swift to pause the music and answer the call when he realized that it was Violet. “I haven't found the spider, don't come home yet!”

“I wasn't planning on it,” she replied, forcing herself to hold back on asking him about his divorce. “I finally got Super Clark to go to bed.”

“Oh, damn that's like climbing Mount Everest. Super Clark is difficult.”

“Difficult but not impossible.”

“Yeah. How are you feeling?”

“I'm alright. How are you, baby?”

Matt yawned. “I'm tired but I will survive.”

“You better. I can't raise Super Clark on my own.”

“You don't have to.”

Violet smiled. “Alrighty, sleepyhead. I love you.”

“And I love you, snuggle muffin,” he said in exaggerated adoration.

The woman laughed. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Matt hung up the phone and pressed play on his music. “Santa babyyy, hurry down the chimney tonighttttt.”

---

“Have you spoken to Matthew about this?” Rose asked her sister as they strutted down the New York sidewalk in their nude pumps, designer jeans and chic tops: a plunging neckline for Rose and a crop top paired with a thin blazer for Violet.

“No. What good would that do?”

“None. Just making sure you didn't fold under the pressure of talking to your 'boo-bear’.”

Violet scoffed. “Never. Here it is, put your game face on.”

The sisters were purposefully fashionably late to lunch just so they could make their entrance grand. They created their own wind as they walked seemingly in slow motion towards where Shea was seated. For extra flair, Violet flipped her hair, but it was so exaggerated that the woman lost her balance and went crashing to the floor.

While she attempted to recover, Shea clapped.

“Yes!” the woman cheered in delight. “You better werkkkk, crash and burn! Can't even turnnnn!  Leave those skid marks on the runwayyyy!”

“Shut up,” Violet hissed as she dusted herself off.

“Oh, don't be like that. I'm sure they have great career opportunities for crash test dummies.”

“Hey,” Rose interjected. “Don't talk to my sister like that. We came here to get information, clearly the only thing you're good for. Now tell us, are and Matthew divorced or not?” she demanded.

“Aww, you're the sister? Yeah, I can totally see the family resemblance...except you looked more alike with that pregnancy weight on you.”

“Did this bitch really just come for me?” Rose asked Violet.

“Hey, hey, calm that shit down,” Shea replied. “Have a seat. Act like ladies.”

Rose gritted her teeth but obliged, sitting across from the woman, followed by Violet.

“Well?” Rose impatiently asked. “Are you still legally married to Matthew?”

“Are you her lawyer?”

“No, I'm her big sister and I won't let anyone hurt her. Especially not some ex of Matthew’s.”

“Are you so sure that I'm an ex, though?”

“Well if you'd answer the fucking question, we'd know!”

“You have one more time to holler at me,” Shea warned.

“Is that a threat?” Violet snarled.

“Absofuckinglutely! Nobody is going to talk to me like they're crazy and just get away with it!”

“We asked you a simple fucking question!” Violet retorted. “Answer it so we can get the fuck away from you so you don't have to be so bothered and upset!”

Shea slowly raised an eyebrow and glided a finger over her hair in a manner so sharp that the motion should've been paired with the cracking of a whip. “Do I look upset to you?” she asked nonchalantly.

“You clearly are,” Violet replied.

Shea popped her lips. “Never. Especially not by a baby mama. Oh, by the way, how is the little accident?”

Without warning, Violet threw Shea's own drink into the woman's face before lunging at her. She wasn't able to do any damage before the restaurant's manager pulled her off. Rose jumped in, swung at Shea and missed her face by several inches but Shea was swift with her blows and managed to get in two punches before they were separated by more restaurant staff.

“Don't you ever, ever in your fucking life mention my fucking daughter again!” Violet snarled as she clawed at the manager's arms in attempt to free herself. “I'll catch a charge for my baby! I'm not the one to mess with!”

“Then let's go to prison, bitch!” Shea fumed. “With your weak ass, always throwing drinks! Throw hands like a real bitch since you think you're so fucking tough! I should've beat your ass when Matty told me that you punched him! If you touch another hair on his head, you best believe that I'll stomp your ass!”

“My relationship has nothing to do with you, bitch!”

“Then why is he still hitting up my phone?! Every time he's mad at you, he calls me! Just the other day, he told me to dump my boyfriend so that we can be together again!”

Violet was bothered by the statement, but she'd never let another woman see her sweat. “Bitch you're a joke! He told that me you're just an easy piece of ass to go to because all you do is spread your legs! You're giving it up like free samples, of course he's gonna call you when he's mad at me! What man wouldn't, you fucking whore!”

The shouting match continued until the staff practically dragged Rose and Violet of the restaurant, ensuring that they were gone before releasing Shea.

“Ugh! Stupid bitch!” Violet fumed, punching the steering wheel of her car as she drove. “I can't believe she had the audacity to come for Clark!”

Rose stared at her reflection, examining her bruised eye and swollen, puffy lips. “Ugh, I'm going to have a shiner for at least two weeks. But my lips actually don't look half bad. I've always wanted to get them done and this is totally like a free trial.”

“Rose, would you shut up about your lips?! I'm having a crisis and you're not helping!”

“They look really good,” she sighed before closing the mirror. “That bitch was way out of line.”

Violet sped through traffic and burnt rubber as she pulled into her driveway. Before Rose could protest, her sister rushed out of the car and towards the house. She stormed inside and paused when she saw that the place was decked out in Christmas decor. “Matthew!”

The man dropped the icing bag that he was using to decorate the gingerbread house and rushed into the foyer. “Babe, what are you doing here?”

“What am I doing?! What are you doing in your boxers and an elf apron?! You know what? I don't even want to know. Answer this: are you and Shea officially divorced?”

Matt made a face. “Are you serious?”

“Yes!”

“Of course, I'm divorced. We've been officially divorced for over two years now. You okay? Why would you even ask me that?”

Violet exhaled in relief as she doubled over. “Ugh, how could I feed into this dumb shit?”

“What dumb shit?”

The woman snapped back up. “Nothing. Why is the house decorated like this, Matthew? It's April.”

Matt groaned. “I was trying to surprise you.”

“Surprise me with Christmas?”

The man sighed, grabbed Violet's hand and lead her into the living room. “This is exactly how the house was decorated two Christmases ago...when I wanted to propose to you.”

Violet's eyes grew wide. “I knew it! You asked for my ring size and I was so excited but you never proposed-”

“Because I overheard you wishing that Clark wasn't mine,” he reminded.

“And I've apologized for that. I didn't mean it.”

Matt smiled at the classic defense line. “So I was wondering if we could do this Christmas thing all over again?”

“Yes! I'll call all of my family over. Rose is already in the car.”

“Where's Clark?”

“At Rose's house.”

He made a face. “Why'd you leave her?”

“I had something to do,” she rushed. “I'll go get her now.”

“I'll put some clothes on.”

“Good idea,” Violet said, stealing a kiss prior to  rushing out of the front door.

Before Matt could go up the stairs, his phone began to ring. He grabbed the device and was surprised to see Shea's number flashing across the screen.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Matthew James Lent, I'm only going to say this once: unless you want her to die, keep your motherfucking baby mama in check.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“First off, she called me asking if you and I were still married, I'm like ‘the fuck? Do you seriously not know if your man is divorced? Ask him!’ But since she called me, I decided to fuck with her, ya know? So I invited her out to lunch today and she shows up looking like a clumsy mess with her sister and they instantly start to come at me big, bold and crazy and you knowww I don't tolerate that shit. I can admit to getting bitchy and defensive and yes, I told her I'd never be threatened by someone's baby mama and I asked her how was the little accident.”

“What the hell, Shea,” Matt snapped back.

“I know, I know. I'm sorry for what I said. I love you and your baby is so beautiful, but Violet and her sister pushed too far, so I pushed back.”

“Why would she meet up with you about our divorce when- you know, she just asked me about it a few minutes ago and she didn't even mention anything about seeing you.”

“That's because she's sneaky as fuck. If she had to admit to seeing me, she'd have to admit that she didn't trust you enough to ask in the first place.”

“Wow.”

“And I'm calling you to apologize about what I said about the baby, I'd never want that to get back to you as something malicious. She's sneaky and she's a liar. After I told her that I'd beat her ass if she hit you again, she came back with 'Matt only talks to you because you're easy and if he's mad at me your legs are always open’.”

He scoffed. “You know that's not true.”

“I know it isn't but the fact that she'd just throw that in there means she's really insecure. Fix that shit, honey.”

“Pfft, I can't control how she feels, but this going back and forth, 'he said, she said’ shit is about to end.”

“Alright. Well, I love you, Matty.”

“I want to set up a meeting with both of you.”

“Ugh, I hate you, Matty.”

---

When Violet returned with her family, the woman swore that she was experiencing a Deja Vu moment from the Christmas two years ago. Matt was expressionless as he sat by the fireplace sipping his eggnog.

“Hey, baby,” she said in attempt to break the ice.

“We need to talk.”

Violet gulped. “We do?”

“Matty, these cookies are dry as fuck,” Shea complained as she rounded the corner back into living room. “Bleh.”

“What the fuck is she doing here?!”

“I'm moving in,” the other woman lied just to get under Violet's skin.

“Matthew!”

“She's not actually moving in but you really should explain to me why you went to her, asking about my divorce. Why didn't you ask me?”

“Umm... I-” she stammered until Clark rushed over.

The small child gasped as she took in all of the decor. “Daddy, did Santa come?!”

The man lifted his daughter into his arms. “He sure did, boo!”

“But it's not Christmas. There's no snow outside!”

“You've been such a good girl that he decided to come early! Look, he left you lots of presents.”

The girl squealed in excitement. “I like presents! Can I open them?”

“Sure.” Matt lowered her to the floor and she rushed over to the Christmas tree, grabbing the first sloppily wrapped gift she could get her hands on. The toddler ripped into the paper and quickly revealed the Storm Funko Pop doll. “Holy Batman! Daddy, look! It's Storm!”

“Oh, wow, that's so cool, boo!”

“Yes! I'll go put her on my shelf,” Clark informed prior to rushing out of the living room. As she did, Shea turned around away and wiped her eyes.

“What's up?” Matt asked.

The woman shook her head as she continued to fight back tears. “Nothing. Um…she’s just so cute. It makes me think of what our baby would've been like,” she sniveled.

In all the years that he'd known her, this was probably the third time that Matt had seen Shea cry. The woman wasn't easily brought to tears, so whenever she got emotional, Matt couldn't help but follow suit.

“Shea, please don't cry,” he sniffled.

“I'm not,” she said defensively. “But you don't know what it's like living with the regret of having an abortion, Matty.”

Violet was completely taken aback and surprised when she felt her own eyes begin to well up.

“I don't know how you feel, Shea but it was my baby too. And yes, it sucks, but that was the best option for us at that time.”

“Matty, I really don't want to hear that right now,” the woman sobbed as she made her way towards the front door, then out of the house completely.

He groaned. “Shea, wait.”

“Hold on, Matthew,” Violet interjected. “Let me talk to her.”

The man raised an eyebrow. “You do know that she's ready to kill you, right? After that stunt you pulled today, you really need to be careful.”

She gulped. “Um...what stunt?”

“Don't play dumb. I know that you didn't trust me enough to believe that I was divorced.”

“Well, I did, but-”

Matt grabbed the woman by the lapels of her blazers and snatched her close. “Listen to me you little nerd. I love you,” he said emphasizing each word. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” she practically moaned.

“I told you that I filed those papers right before Clark was born, do you remember?”

“No,” she whimpered. “I was too exhausted.”

“Well, I'm reminding you. They were submitted and finalized ninety days after that. When I told you, I guess you were too busy trying on your Manolos to care but I've been in love with you from the moment that you first kicked me out of the house and that hasn't changed. And it never will change so you just need to learn to trust me. You got that?”

“I trust you, baby. I'm just really insecure and…” The woman could hardly concentrate on what she was saying as the man stared her down with his intense blue eyes. “Just kiss me.”

Matt smirked and pressed his lips against the woman's. He pulled away and smoothed her hair. “Now be good and go fix things with Shea. Just don't tick her off,” he joked.

“Well, if anything happens again, I'll have another drink handy to throw in her face.”

“Huh? You threw a drink in her face too?! What else did I miss?”

“Maybe a little, maybe a lot,” Violet said with a shrug. “I'll be right back.”

The woman exited the house and found Shea in her car, attempting to calm herself enough before she could drive.

“Ahh... parking in front of the neighbor's house so that I wouldn't suspect my ambush. Noted,” Violet said to herself as she approached Shea's passenger side window. She knocked so the woman lowered the glass. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Violet opened the door and Shea held up her hand to stop her. “Do you have any weapons or glasses of Dr. Pepper on you?” she joked.

The woman laughed. “No but I might have chewing gummm.”

“Nope. Yo ass could probably use that as a weapon.”

“Well, I am MacGyver.”

Shea laughed and didn't oppose any further as the woman climbed into her car.  

“I wanted to speak to you alone because, one Matthew was going to force us to sit down anyway and two, what you just said in there really touched me.” Violet cleared her throat. “Nobody knows this but um, at sixteen, I had an abortion and sometimes I do regret it.”

“Oh God,” Shea groaned. “Isn't the regret the fucking worst? Like I get Matty saying 'oh at the time it was the best option blah blah’, but it's just different for men because they don't have to go through the feeling of having a life inside of you and then suddenly it's gone.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Violet agreed.

“At the time I got pregnant, he and I were this close to living on the streets,” Shea said as she held up the small space between her thumb and index finger. “It would've been so fucked up to have a baby when I couldn't even take care of myself, ya know? So yes, we decided that an abortion would be for the best but I just don't want to hear his man voice reminding me of it. The experience wasn't the same for him and he'll never understand.”

“I understand completely. When I got pregnant, I was sleeping around so much that I didn't even have a clue to who the father was and out of my options, I wasn't serious about any of them. I knew that finishing school would be impossible and I knew my parents would probably hate me because they'd warned me about pregnancy so much so I just couldn't go through with having the baby. I told the captain of the football team that it was his so that I could extort the money for the abortion from him. He was more than happy to give it to me. And after that, we never spoke again.”

Shea sighed as she sat back in her seat. “Men ain't shit.”

Violet shook her head.

“And sometimes I do the math and I'm like 'damn, my baby would've been eleven this year. It would've been in middle school by now and it would've been so cute’, that's why seeing you and Matty's daughter just made me so emotional. I'm really sorry for calling her an accident.”

“She was an accident,” Violet admitted through laughter. “But the most perfect accident ever.”

“You know, a lot of great inventions were discovered by accident.”

“Very true. And I'm sorry for throwing the drink in your faceee. You know, I can't really fight so I gotta distract before I attack.”

Shea laughed. “That's amazing.”

“And I'm sorry for my sister-”

“No, don't apologize for her, that's literally what any good sister would do.”

“Yeah,” Violet sighed before extending her hand. “Truce?”

Shea accepted the gesture. “Truce.”

“Let's go show Matthew that we are now the best of friends.”

They both laughed as they exited the car and made their way up the cobblestone before Violet paused.

“What's up?” Shea asked.

“I just noticed that Matthew’s car isn't in the driveway. But he's here.”

“Is it in the garage?”

“No... well, we each have our own car and then a SUV for whenever we take Clark and my niece and nephews somewhere. When I pulled up today, I parked in the garage next to the SUV but his 'second child’ is gone.”

“Oh, that's weird.”

“It is,” she said as she continued to walk. When she entered her home, the woman wasn't surprised to see her daughter with green and red frosting all over her face. “Clark, you need a bath.”

“Not now, Mommy,” she protested. “You have to open your present.”

“What present?”

“The present from Daddy,” she whispered.

“Clark, are you telling secrets?” Matt shouted from across the room.

“No, Daddy,” the girl said in her 'sweet’ voice.

“Matthew, where is your car?”

“Umm...Clark, do the thing!”

As a distraction, the girl began to dance while Matt retrieved the gift from underneath the tree.

“Wait, what? Matthew, where-”

“This is for you,” Matt said as he handed the box to Violet.

“You're acting weird. Am I sure that I want to open this?”

“Yes!” Clark urged.

“Okay, baby. I trust you.” Violet lifted the lid off of the box and gasped when she saw the blinged out hazmat suit. “Oh my God! This is so amazingggg!”

“Do you love ittttttt?” Clark squealed.

“Yes, my love!”

“Good! If Daddy and me cut this one up, we'll have sparkles too!”

“Nobody will be cutting this one up,” Violet assured as she grabbed the white plastic. When she did, a smaller box fell out of the folds of the hazmat suit and onto the floor.

Clark grabbed the box.

“What's that, baby?” her mother asked.

The girl opened the box and revealed the Alexandrite engagement ring. “Mommy, will you marry Daddy?”

Violet gasped, covering her mouth with her palm as her eyes filled with tears.

“Well, will you?” she asked impatiently. “You know you want tooooo.”

“Yes! Of course I will!”

Matt approached and grabbed the box. “I'll take it from here, Clark.” He pulled the ring out of its spot and slid it onto Violet's finger.

“Oh my God,” the woman sobbed before throwing her arms around her fiance's neck. “I love you.”

The man replied with a kiss on her head.

“I’m getting married y'all!” Violet cheered.

“It's about time,” someone shouted.

“Congratulations,” Shea softly offered.

“Let's go celebrate,” Matt growled as he threw the woman over his shoulder before rushing up the stairs.

“Waitttttttttt,” Clark whined, “I want to celebrate toooooo!” The girl's short legs didn't carry her fast enough and she ultimately tripped in the process. “Daddyyy!” she sobbed.

“Heyy, heyy,” Shea cooed as she lifted the girl into her arms. “What's wrong?”

“My parents left me,” she sniffled while she wiped her eyes.

The woman brushed the girl's wild hair off of her forehead. “Do you ever let them have Mommy and Daddy time?”

“Yes but not on Christmasss,” she groaned.

“But hey, listen. There are lots of fun people here to play with. What about me?”

“You're a stranger.”

Shea extended her hand. “My name is Shea. I've known your Daddy since we were like twelve years old.”

Clark gasped. “You're Miss Shea?! You know Stan Lee!”

The woman laughed. “Yes, that's me.”

“My Daddy told me a lotttt about you.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded and grabbed Shea's hand. “Come see my room!”

---

“So you and Shea are good now?” Matt asked as he removed his shirt.

“Yeah,” Violet said nervously as she fiddled around with the box in her purse before gathering up the courage to pull it out. “Well...I figure that at least one of us has to do it the traditional way,” she said as she sank to her knees. “Fuck, this position is vaguely familiar,” she joked before clearing her throat. “Matthew James Lent, will you marry me?”

"Wai- huh- you- I-” the man stammered out of shock. “When did you- oh my God, get up, you dork. Of course I'll marry you! What an original idea,” he teased.

Violet smiled as she popped the sleek, black ring with a red metallic lining out of the box and slid it onto the man's finger.

“I wanted something sleek with a pop of red to match your second child.” She paused. “Speaking of which, babe, where is your car?”

The man pursed his lips before he reluctantly answered. “I sold it.”

“You sold it?! Why?”

Matt grabbed the woman's left hand. “I needed money for your ring.”

Violet pouted. “You sold the Batmobile for me?”

“Of course. I'd sell my soul for you.”

“Awwww,” the woman squealed as she pulled her fiance onto to the bed where the throws of passion were swiftly in full swing.

---

“Welcome to my lair!” Clark squeaked as she pulled Shea in her room.

“Oh my God, this is better than my room.” The woman took in all the details that seemed to fit the little girl's personality perfectly. Instead of the traditional pink, Clark's canopy bed was draped in sheer blue cloth that framed her mattress which was topped with several bright pillows that read 'Boom!’ 'Pow!’ 'Splat!’ and 'Kazam!’

The room was lined with shelves that held vintage dolls and action figures that the girl had deemed sacred, but the toys that she did allow herself to play with overflowed out of the bright red chest in the corner. Her bookshelf was lined with all of her favorite comics and storybooks, but if she wanted to read the juicy stuff, she'd have to break into  Matt's man cave.

Since her wardrobe was too massive to fit into her bedroom's closet, the area had been cleared out and covered in colorful handprints by her and her father. Mostly used as a prime location to host tea parties, the space also doubled as a secret hideout from villains and dreaded naptimes.

Shea felt herself becoming emotional once again when she saw the framed photos of the girl with her parents as a newborn and through the different stages of her life up until a few months ago.

“Were you Snow White for Halloween?”

“Yes! And I gave out apples. But don't worry! They didn't have poison.”

“Good thing,” Shea chuckled. She wiped her eyes.

Clark frowned. “What's wrong?”

“Oh, nothing. Just allergies.”

The girl folded her arms. “Are you telling the truth?”

Shea turned to look at the girl. “And if I'm not?”

“You'll be in time out.”

“Yeah, well it already feels that way,” she sighed. “I'm fine. So, which superhero is your favorite?”

“Are you sad?”

“You're not going to let this go, are you?”

She giggled. “Nope.”

“I'm not sad... I'm... I don't know. I know you're not old enough to have regrets but-”

“Oh, yes I do! I regret not eating those Skittles that someone left in the bottom of the quarter candy machine.”

Shea cackled. “Fair enough.” She sunk to the floor and folded her legs as she continued to speak. “I just get a little sad when I think about how, if I would've had a baby, what they would've been like.”

“Oh...well what if you had another baby?”

“That's always an option, but there's always the 'what if’ questions.”

“Everyone always has questions.” Clark shrugged. “That's life. But you can't be sad about questions. Superheros have bad things happen to them but they never give up.”

“You're right, Clark. Thank you. You're a great listener.”

“That's what Mommy always says!” Clark rushed to her walkie talkie and pushed the button before she spoke. “Mommyyyy!” After a few seconds with no response, she shouted into

device again. “Or Daddyyyy! Are you sleeping?! It's not bedtime yet!”

“Y-Yes?” Violet panted into the walkie talkie. “What is it, Clark?”

“Miss Shea said that I'm a great listener like you do!”

“That's so awesome, baby. She's right.”

“Yeahhhh. What are you doing?”

“Um, I'm about to shower. What about you?”

“Playing with Miss Shea. Where's Daddy?”

“In the shower.”

The girl wrinkled her nose. “But yo-”

“No, no, I mean he's just using the bathroom and then when he comes out, I'll shower.”

“Good! You need privacy!”

Shea covered her mouth to conceal her laughter.

“Yes, I do, sweetheart. I will definitely wait until he leaves before I go in.”

---

“Yes! Yes!” Violet moaned out, clinging to Matt as he fucked her against the glass wall of the shower. “Right there, baby! Yes!” The hot drizzle from the shower pattered against her skin; paired with the man's deep strokes, it made for such an incredible sensation that the woman couldn't help but tremble. “Ohhhh myyyy Gooooddddd!”

“I fucking love you,” Matt grunted as he neared his climax.

“I love you too, baby. So fucking much.”

The man groaned as he came, sending his hot load of cum into the condom that lined his lover's sugar walls. Matt kissed Violet all over before turning off the shower and lowering her to the tile.

“I'm going to start dinner,” the woman said while she wrapped a towel around her head. “After I do my hair and get dressed.”

“Oh God, that'll take forever. I'll do it. What do you want to eat?”

“Whatever you feel like making, honey baby boo bear. I trust your judgement.”

“Aw, thanks, snuggle wuggle buddy. I'll be sure to make something extra delicious then.”

“Well, there's nothing more delicious than you, sugar lips. Don't go cookin’ yourself now.”

“If you wanna dip me and chocolate and call it a night, I'm down. The child can fend for herself.”

Violet laughed and gently poked the man's nose. “Sounds like a plan.”

The newly engaged couple shared a kiss before Matt exited the shower and patted himself dry prior to getting dressed. He made his way down the hall, stopping at Clark's room when he heard the toddler giggling. He pushed the ajar door all the way open to find Shea reading her latest comic to the girl.

“What's going on, ladies?”

“Miss Shea is telling me about her main super hero character! She has a fire crotch!”

Matt's expression was stunned before his parental instincts took over. “Shea, can I talk you outside for a second?”

“Uh oh,” Clark groaned. “Whenever someone is in trouble, he wants to go outsideee.”

“Now,” the man order. “Clark stay in your room.”

“Yeah,” the toddler sighed. “I know the drill.”

Matt stormed down the stairs and out the front door while Shea followed suit shortly thereafter. He made a sharp turn to face the woman.

“Why in the hell are you saying things like 'fire crotch’ to my daughter?”

“She saw one of my illustrations- that wasn't even inappropriate mind you, and she came to her own conclusion. I asked her where she got it from she said 'that’s what Mommy calls people with orange hair’. I told her that someone her age shouldn't say it so she stopped saying it right up until you came in. I'd never say anything inappropriate to your kid,” Shea spurted, growing more upset by the second. “Why would you even think that I'd do something like that?!”

“You have a wild sense of humor, Shea.”

“So do you,” she retorted.

Her tone was familiar and Matt knew that this was a lot deeper than bad words. “How do I have a wild sense of humor?”

Shea rolled her eyes and began to make her way towards her car but Matt was persistent and grabbed her arm to stop her. “Tell me how I have a wild sense of humor.”

The woman shoved him. “You're bugging because you had a baby by a woman that you barely even knew! She was a fucking one night stand and you were just so quick to have a child with her!”

“Whoa, where is this coming from?! I thought you and Violet finally liked each other!”

“My problem isn't with her, it's with you!” Before long, the woman was crying again with tears streaming down her face over the releasing of pain that she'd bottled up for the past two years. “I was pregnant, Matty. And you let me get rid of it!”

“It was a mutual decision!”

“Because we were about to be put out because of you! You! You! You! You should've stepped up to the plate, grew the fuck up and taken care of us! No woman wants to abort a baby solely because she feels like she won't be able to support it! You were my husband. You were supposed to take care of me, tell me that everything was going to be okay but no, you let me kill our baby,” she sobbed. “And now I can't even get pregnant.”

Matt hated seeing how hurt the woman was and he couldn't help but cry a little himself. “What do you mean?”

“I have been trying to start a family with my boyfriend but it's just not happening. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, miscarriage after miscarriage, it's like I'm being punished for what I did. I wake up ha-hating myself sometimes,” Shea choked out before Matt pulled the weeping woman into an embrace.

“It's okay,” he sniveled into her hair. “It'll be okay.”

“But it won't though,” Shea sobbed.

“Have you tried the fertility clinic?”

“No.”

“Well, you should. Explore all of your options, babe. I'll even go with you if you want.”

The woman nodded as she wiped her eyes. “I'd like that.”

“Good. In the meantime, let's finish up Christmas.”

The duo returned inside of the house and after assuring Clark that it was okay to leave her room, the girl and Shea assisted Matt in the kitchen.

“A traditional Christmas dinner in one hour or less,” he assured them as he pulled out various items from the pantry.

Clark donned her apron and skittered around the kitchen, making a senseless mess of the flour and water her father had given her. “Bon appetit!” she cheered while she mixed her ingredients.

“How are your biscuits coming along, boo?”

“Good! Can I add more salt?”

“Sure.” The man handed his daughter the salt shaker and she quickly dumped the entire contents of the bottle into the bowl.

“What kind of biscuits are you making, Clark?” Shea asked.

“Death biscuits,” the girl replied with a hint of sinisterness in her tone.

“Oh my goodness. And who's gonna eat those death biscuits?”

“Everyoneeeee!”

“Well, I think I'll pass on the death biscuits.”

“That's okay, Daddy will eat them. Won't you, Daddy?”

“Of course, boo,” he said, flashing a grimace to Shea.

The woman smiled, and for a second, she felt as if the two of them were her husband and child. “Okay, Clark. I'll try whatever you make.”

“Yayyy! You'll love it.”

“I'm sure I will, sweetie.”

---

“Girl, we've got work to doooo. Pass me the paint and glueeee,” Violet sang as she ran the brush through her damp hair. “Perfect isn't easy, but...it's...meeeeeeee!” She plugged in the blow-dryer and turned it on full blast before she began giving herself face shots while she continued to sing, fulfilling her ‘wind in hair’ fantasy as if she was Beyoncé. “When one knows the world is watching, one does what one must! Some minor adjustments darling, not for my vanity but for humanityyyy.”

---

“Where's Mommyyyy?” Clark groaned. “I'm ready to bake my biscuits but she said I can not use the oven without her parent superstition!”

Shea laughed at the adorable misuse of the word. “I could help you, if you want. And if it's okay with Daddy.”

"Sure,” Matt mindlessly replied as he mashed the potatoes and grated cheese for the macaroni at the same time.

“Yayyy!” his daughter cheered. “Get my pan from the cabinet and preheat the oven, pleaseeeee.”

“Done and done,” Shea said as she immediately went to work. The domestic situation made her want to burst at the seams, but the woman used every second of the low rent 'I Love Lucy’ set up as practice for whenever she'd have a family of her own.

After grabbing the baking sheet, she misted it with some Pam before assisting Clark in plopping the clumps of dough onto it.

Embracing the entire Christmas theme Violet  slowly descended the stairs in her red, fur lined  robe. With every hair in its place and perfect makeup, the newly engaged woman felt like a queen. While she was in search of her king, the woman puckered her lips and floated into the kitchen like Mortician Addams.

“You do this so much better than Mommy,” she heard as she rounded the corner. “She doesn't like icky things like dough on your fingers.”

“Awe, well I don't mind,” Shea said.

“You'd make a good Mommy.”

“Awwww, thank you, sweetie,” the woman squealed as they shared a hug.

Violet scowled. “Excuse me? What's going on here?”

“We're cooking!” Clark announced.

“Oh…” She shot Shea a glare. “Well, I want to help.”

“Good!” the girl cheered. “You can help, Daddy.”

“But I want to help you.”

“Noooo. You'll be sad if you get dirty. Go set the table.”

“Really, Clark?”

“Go sit down, Mommy, we're almost finished. We'll bring you your food because you're a princess and it will be delicious!”

Violet rolled her eyes and made her way over to her fiance. “Do you hear how she's speaking to me, Matthew? She's being a brat.”

“Uh huh,” he mindlessly mumbled, staring at the caramel sauce while he stirred it.

“Well, say something to her!”

“Ssshhhhhh! Babe, please. This is a delicate process.” The man sank so that he was eye level with the pan while he continued to gently stir.

The aggravated woman turned when she heard Clark giggling. Her daughter and Shea had practically started a food fight and Violet instantly saw nothing but red.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Clark, you know better! And Shea who the fuck do you think you are?! You're a guest in my home and this is the respect that you show?! Clark, go to your room. Shea, get out.”

“Mommy, no!” Clark protested. “We are just having fun and you are being a meanie head!”

“I said, go to your room!”

“No!”

Violet stormed over to the disobedient child,  picked her up and started to make her way to her room. Clark could do nothing but kick and scream and when her designer shoe struck her mother in the stomach, the woman retaliated by popping the girl on her bottom.

By the way she hollered, people would've thought that Clark had been snapped by a bear trap. Matt quickly rushed over to them.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Get your child before I literally kill her,” Violet fumed as she placed the wailing girl into her father's arms.

“Don't say shit like that,” the man retorted.

“She just kicked me in the stomach!”

As Clark continued to thrash, Matt sighed, carried his daughter to her room and placed her on the bed. “Clarkkkkk,” he cooed as he patted his sobbing daughter on the back. “What's wrong? Wanna tell me what happened?”

“You know what happeneddddd!” she screeched into her 'Pow!’ pillow.

“I heard your Mom's side of the story, now I want to hear yours.”

Clark continued to cry as she sat up, hyperventilating as she choked out her words. “W-We were trying to do the di-dinner and M-M-Mommy came in. Sh-She-She wanted to help bu-bu-but Miss Shea and I we-were almost finishedddd. So Mommy needed to be the princess and set the table!”

“Ssshhh, it's okay, boo. What else happened?”

“I put some dough on Miss Shea's nose and she did the same to me and said it was like a mud face lift stuff so we kept going and some hit the floor. Mommy doesn't like messes so she yelled at usssss.”

“And you yelled back?”

“Yes! Mommy was being the villain so I had to stop her but she spanked me,” Clark said with a quivering lip that made Matt want to give her all the cookies and ice cream in the world to make it all better.

“But boo, you were throwing a tantrum and kicked Mommy. That hurt her.”

“She's the villainnnn.”

“I know Mommy can seem like Poison Ivy sometimes but we have to listen to her because, well... she's Mommy. Even if you don't agree with her, you have to be good and listen to her because she loves you and wants nothing but the best for you, boo. Okay?”

“Okay,” the girl sobbed.

“Will you come down and apologize to Mommy?”

Clark nodded as she wiped her eyes.

“Can I have a hug?” Matt invited his daughter into his arms. When she climbed into them, he kissed her head and gave her a firm squeeze before carrying her towards the door.

“Wait! I need Lex Luthor.” The man stopped so that Clark could grab her stuffed bear. “I need my sidekick just in case.”

“Just in case what?”

“Mommy said she wanted to kill me. I'm always prepared for battle.”

Matt's jaw dropped. “Boo, she doesn't really want to...ugh, she owes you an apology as well.” The man carried his daughter down the stairs and into the living room where Violet sat on the sofa with her legs crossed as she sipped on her wine.

“Where is everyone?” he asked.

“I told them to leave,” Violet replied.

“But this was my party, not yours.”

“This is my house. I can do what I want. I don't need them all looking at me crazy.”

The man rolled his eyes. “Clark has something to say.”

Matt lowered his daughter to the floor and the girl hid behind her teddy bear as she spoke. “Mommy, I'm really sorry for ye-yelling and hurting you.”

“It's okay, my love,” she said as she extended her arms.

Clark slowly made her way into them. Violet kissed her head but the girl stared up at her through a frown and impatient eyes.

“What?”

“I'm waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“My apologies!”

Violet scoffed. “What apologies?”

“She thinks that you want to kill her because of what you said.”

“Huh? Oh, pfft, I didn't mean that and you know it.”

“I don't care if you didn't mean it or not, you don't say shi- stuff, like that to our kid! You hurt her feelings, so apologize!”

“I'm sorry, Clark,” Violet offered.

The girl smiled. “It's okay, Mommy.” She pressed both of her tiny hands against the woman's cheeks. “I love you sooo much.”

“Awww, Mommy loves you too.”

“Will you try my death biscuits?”

“Death biscuits?”

“Yes! Miss Shea helped me make them.”

Violet shot her fiance a look. “What was up with that? Playing house with your ex?”

“Oh stop it, Violet, that's not even the case and you know it. She's my oldest friend and-”

“She is so much older, isn't she? No wonder you divorced her for me.”

“What are you talking about? She's 32 like me. And I didn't divorce her for you, we'd been separated for years before I even met you. And since you turn 30 this year, you aren't that far behind in the age department.”

“Oh, fuck all the way off. I'm 28.”

Matt scowled. “Stop cursing in front of my daughter.”

“Clark, do you know that 'fuck’ is a bad word?”

“Yes,” the toddler nervously replied.

“See, she's not dumb.”

“Boo, go to your room.”

She frowned. “But I just left my roommmm. When are we going to do Christmas?”

“We'll do it after I talk to Mommy.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she slowly trekked up the stairs.

When Matt heard Clark's door close, he turned to Violet. “What the fuck is your problem? Why are you being such a bitch?”

“Oh, I'm being a bitch? Would you prefer it if Shea was here?”

“So, despite being proposed to today and proposing to me today, you're still jealous, insecure and think that I want my ex? Nice.”

“I'd never be jealous of a dry, wannabe Alicia Keys, whore who wishes she had my baby but whores can't be so lucky. She-” Violet paused when Matt stepped towards her.

“I swear to God that I want to ring your fucking neck sometimes,” he snarled.

“Are you seriously talking to your fiancee like this over some bitch?!”

“She's not just some bitch.”

“Clearly! You let her call my child all kinds of terms of endearment. 'Sweetie’ and shit.” The woman downed the remainder of wine that was in her glass.

“You're an alcoholic,” Matt said with all kinds of judgement behind his tone.

“I'm not even drunk! And I don't even drink that much- just enough to be attracted to you.”

Without another word the man turned on his heel and entered the kitchen.

“Matthew, I was joking!” She pushed herself out of her seat and over to the man who ignored her as he grabbed plates from the cabinet. “Oh my God, are you seriously butt hurt over that?”

“It's probably true,” he grumbled.

“Cut the shit, Matthew. For one, you know good and goddamn well that I don't drink that much. And secondly, you know how hot I think you are.”

“Do you think I'm hot or do you feel like you got trapped because I knocked you up and you know it's hard for someone with kids to find love?”

“Let's get one thing straight, Matthew James Lent. You're hot, but I'm way hotter. Child or not, I could get any man that I wanted.”

“Even with your stretch marks?” When Violet gasped, he laughed. “Just kidding. I'm only saying that to get under your skin... literally.”

“Matthew, that's not funnyyyy. I opened up to you and now you're using it to make fun of meeee,” she whined.

“I'm not making fun of you. I think your ripples are cute.” He stole a kiss from her pouty lips. “Go get Clark so we can eat.”

Violet made her way to the bottom of the stairs. “Clark!”

“Yes, Mommy?”

“Dinner's ready!”

As if it was the actual Christmas morning, Clark sprinted down the stairs and jumped into her mother's arms. Violet carried the girl into the dining room prior to making her way back to the kitchen, but she paused when she heard Matt's voice.

“Yeah. Oh, yeah? What time? No, that's good because Clark's dentist appointment is at 2 so that should be fine. I'll be there.”

Violet rounded the corner. “Be where?” she demanded.

Matt jumped. “Jesus, woman! You scared me.”

“You should be scared. Who are you talking to?”

“Shea.”

She folded her arms. “Why are you talking to her?”

“Because I'm a grown ass man, that's why.”

“But she was rude to me! Me! Your fiancee!”

“You just love that new title don't you?”

“Yes! And I should love the entitlement that comes with it, but you're being a jerk!”

“I’m not being a jerk. You just want to dictate my life.”

“Duh! That's what wives do!”

Matt laughed. “Alright, Violet. What do you want me to do other than stop talking to Shea because that won't happen.” The woman scowled and turned on her heel but Matt rushed after her. “Babe, I'm trying to be open and honest with you.”

“Then tell me where you're going with her tomorrow.”

“To a doctor's appointment.”

Violet made a face. “Very domestic.”

“She's my one of my best friends and she wants me there. She's the Naomi to my Violet.”

The woman sighed. “Fine, Matthew. Can we just  eat now?”

“Yeah. Shea, I gotta go. Alright, bye.”

Violet swiftly set the table and before long, the small family was feasting on a meal that was meant for all of their guests.

“This caramel cake is really good, Matthew.”

“I know it is,” he said smugly.

He pulled the woman into a kiss.

Clark covered her eyes.

“Oh, get over here, you little dork,” Violet said as she grabbed her daughter. “You want some kisses?”

“Nooo,” the girl protested. “Kisses are icky!”

Violet kissed her daughter all over her face and hair.

Clark giggled as she attempted to fend off her mother's attack. “Heyyyy, you're driving me coconuts!”

Violet laughed and returned her to her seat.

Clark grabbed her basket of biscuits. “Try one.”

“What are these?”

“My death biscuits!”

“Why are you calling them that?”

“Because it's a catchy name!”

“But that makes people not want to eat them, baby.”

“Miss Shea would've eaten some,” Clark grumbled.

Violet frowned and snatched one of the rock-like biscuits out of the basket and shoved it into her mouth. She bit into it and shrieked. “Ow! God, I think I broke my fucking tooth!”

Clark frowned. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

Violet pushed herself out of her seat and rushed into the bathroom. “I swear to God, my goddamn teeth better be intact!”

Matt groaned internally because the woman had no idea how to fake eating their daughter's inedible concoctions like he did.

“Did I really make Mommy's teeth fall out?” Clark asked Matt with a frown.

“No,” he assured.

“Owwwwww,” Violet groaned from the bathroom.

“Maybe,” Matt reiterated. “But look on the bright side. Mommy would look good as a pirate.”

Clark giggled. “Arrr!”

Matt cackled before putting on a grimace. “I'll make ye walk the plank!”

The girl grabbed her belly as she laughed. “Oh, you're making my tummy happy.”

Violet returned to the dining room. “My fucking tooth is chipped.”

“Which one?” Matt asked.

The woman pulled back her lip and showed the man her damaged molar.

“Oh, that's not that bad. You still cute,” he assured, stealing a kiss in the process.

“Well, it's not going to stay that way. I'll take Clark to the dentist tomorrow and get it fixed then.”

“Ask them to fix your breath problem while they're at it,” Matt teased.

The woman self-consciously covered her mouth. “Does my breath stink?”

He nodded. “Like Goblin farts.”

“Goblin farts?!”

Clark laughed so hard that she snorted.

“You're such a jerk!” Violet groaned as she plopped a spoonful of potatoes on the man's head.

“Food fight!” their daughter shouted and before the woman could protest, macaroni, turkey legs and cake was being sent across the room in every direction possible.

“Have a death biscuit!” Clark shouted as she tossed one of the hard lumps that hit the wall at top speed, leaving an indentation in the plaster.

“Okay, that is where I draw the line!” Violet shouted. “Let's stop before the death biscuits really do kill someone.”

The girl pouted. “Sorry.”

Matt sighed at the abrupt end to their fun.

“Well, let's clean up,” Violet urged.

The father/daughter duo reluctantly began to pile their dishes.

“I meant us, sillies! Matthew, go get the hose!”

“Yayyyy!” Clark cheered as she rushed out of the backdoor. She was quickly greeted by Loki and Dr. Doom who began to lick the food off of her.

“What brought this on?” Matt asked. “I never thought I'd see the day that Violet Chachki encouraged messiness.”

“Violet Chachki would never encourage messiness, but Violet Lent wants to have fun with her family.”

Matt smiled and leaned in for a kiss but his lips were greeted by a handful of mashed potatoes.

“Hey!”

“Catch me if you can!” Violet said as she bolted out of the backyard.

Matt wiped his face and was swift on her heels prior to grabbing the water hose. He blasted the woman with the cold water.

“Ahhh! Clark, save me! Clark?” Violet looked around the yard but the girl was nowhere to be found. “Clark!”

The small child sprinted from behind the dog house with her Super Soaker in hand. “Eat water, evil doer!” she shouted as she shot at her father.

Violet sighed in relief. “Go, Clark, go!”

“I'll protect you, Mommy!” the girl declared as she continued to fire at her father and dodge any attacks he had with the hose.

“Rawr!” Matt growled.

“Die, monster, die!” Clark got out before abruptly stopping. “You guys should have a water wedding!”

“No way,” Violet protested.

“What about a comic book wedding?”

“Yes!” Matt agreed.

“No!”

“This is my wedding too because I asked you to marry Daddy,” Clark reminded. “If we both want comic book, you're going to lose.”

Violet scoffed. “I never lose. Especially if Daddy wants special time with me.”

Matt went to complain, but Clark intervened. “Don't fall for her kryptonite, Daddy!”

“Alright, that's enough playtime for you,” he said as he scooped the child into his arms.

“Don't become one of her minions!”

The girl was in dire need of a nap, so Violet wanted to put her future husband's family skills to the test. She leaned in to whisper in his ear. “If you can get her down in fifteen minutes, I'll swallow.”

Without another word, Matt sprinted into the house, dashed up the stairs, peeled the wet clothes off of his daughter, bathed her, put her in pajamas and popped her into bed.

“Daddy, you're like Flash!”

“I know. Now I need you to be like Flash and go to sleep faster than you've ever fallen asleep in your life.”

She frowned. “I’m not tireddd.”

“Clark, please. I have a lot riding on your nap.” Or a lot riding on me if you take the nap, he thought.

“What do I get if I go to sleep?”

“What do you want?”

“A koala bear!”

“Clark, you can not have a koala bear. They carry diseases.”

“So does Uncle Jake but I still love himmmm.”

“Hey, where'd you hear that?”

“Mommy.”

The man scoffed. “Of course. Well, she isn't wrong, but it's still not nice.”

“Please, Daddyyyy? I really want a koala!”

“If you take a nap right now, I'll discuss it with Mommy.”

“Okay!” Clark squeezed her eyes shut.

Matt kissed his daughter's head and tiptoed out of the room. He made his way down the hall and found Violet laying on her stomach across the bed, completely nude.

She looked like an oil painting and Matt couldn't control the tightening in his groin.

“Is the child asleep?” she asked.

“Yeah. Now it's your turn,” Matt growled seductively as he jumped on the bed. As Violet squealed, the man pushed her legs to her chest and quickly wrapped his mouth around her clit.

After making the woman climax twice just from his tongue and fingers, he thrusted his dick into her and made her come three more times before he neared his own climax. The man pulled out.

“Fuckkk,” he grunted as he held off his explosion while Violet reluctantly slid his cock into her mouth. She gave him a few firm sucks before he moaned and sent his hot cum into her mouth. “Open, open,” he urged as he grabbed her chin.

Violet obliged. She opened her mouth and swirled her tongue around to give the man a little show but swallowing his load.

“Fuck, babeee. That's beautiful.” He gave her a hard kiss as a thanks for fulfilling one of his fantasies.

“I want a new Birkin for that.”

“Done.”

---

Matt waited in the lobby of the fertility clinic next to his nervous ex-wife. When he saw that the woman was gnawing on what little fingernails she had left, he grabbed her hand.

“You'll be fine,” he assured.

“It's nerve wrackingggg.”

“I'll bet it is. I mean, how often does a stranger look at your genitals?”

“Sounds like my usual Tuesday night,” Shea joked.

Matt laughed and kissed the back of her hand. “You'll be fine.”

“Miss Couleé?” the nurse called.

“That's us,” she said as she stood. “I mean, me.”

“This way.”

The duo followed the woman to a sterile room and instructed Shea to replace her clothing with the paper robe she'd handed to her before the doctor could see her.

“What would your wife think of this fashion?” she asked as she modeled the generic piece of paper.

“She’d probably die, but I wouldn't get a dime because she's not my wife.”

Shea laughed. “Well, soon-to-be.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you happy?”

“I am. Like, she's just perfect. Temperamental and whiny, but the way her lip curls when she's yelling at me or the way she pouts when she admits that she's wrong or how she justs refuses to back down when she knows she's right...God, what a woman.”

“Awww, little Matty's so in love! I live.”

The man could feel his cheeks turn crimson so he gave a dismissive wave.

“Do you want more kids?”

“Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “But I don't think Violet wants anymore. At least not anytime soon.”

“Fair enough.”

“So how come you didn't ask your boyfriend to come to this?”

“Because he doesn't know that I'm trying to get pregnant. He's a singer so I'm trying to trap him, but just my luck, my fucking uterus is broken.” The expression on Matt's face made the woman cackle. “Kidding! He's on tour.”

Matt scoffed. “And he didn't take off for you?”

“He wanted to but I told him not to lose out on his money for this. This isn't the appointment that matters. However, if we do get pregnant, I want him to be at everything.”

“He better or I'll kick his ass.”

Shea smiled. “I'm glad you're here.”

“You better be, loser,” he teased.

The woman gave him a playful shove before she took her place on the paper covered cot and waited for the doctor to examine her.

“Knock, knock,” the fertility specialist said as he knocked on the door and entered the room. “Hello, Ms. Couleé?”

“Yeah, nice to meet you.”

“Mr. Couleé?”

“Oh, no. I'm just a friend,” Matt assured.

“Ooo, then the lady is single?”

Matt, clearly taken aback, made a face and responded before Shea could. “No, she's not single. Why do you think she's at a fertility clinic? She knows that she can't get pregnant because she's having sex with somebody she loves,” he fumed.

“Matty, calm down.”

“I'm calm, it was just fucking weird for him to ask that.”

“Well, I offer my sincerest apologies,” the doctor offered. “It's just my sense of humor to break the ice with my patients before I look at their genitals.”

“Aww, see Matt. He has great intentions.”

The man rolled his eyes and the doctor began his questioning. After that was over, he instructed Shea lie back and relax.

“Wow, you sure you aren't single?”

Shea laughed but Matt scowled.

“If you make over seven figures a year, I'm definitely single.”

“I'll be quiet now,” the doctor chuckled. “Well, everything down here looks like it's in good shape... really good shape.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Matt asked in disbelief. “Are we on Punk’d or What Would You Do or something because you're a goddamn joke. Make another inappropriate comment like that  and I swear I'll shove those forceps down your throat.”

“Matty, go wait in the lobby,” Shea demanded.

“And leave you alone with captain rapist? No, fucking way.”

“Whoa, Sir,” the doctor interjected. “I take that accusation very seriously.”

“As you should, you fucking pervert!”

“Matty! Go, now!”

The man crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm not going anywhere, but he has one more time to say something slick.”

The doctor nervously cleared his throat as he checked Shea's chart. “It says here that you put 'Yes’ for smoking and drinking and recreational drug use. What kind of drugs?”

“Oh, a little of everything. Besides cocaine. My sinuses are too bad to be snorting stuff.”

“Well, drinking and drug use can be a real problem when it comes to fertility.”

“Seriously? I see all of these goddamn crackheads getting pregnant like it's their part time job.”

The man shrugged. “It just depends on the person. And your body is…” he was clearly censoring himself as Matt glowered. “Your body is trying to tell you that it can't have a healthy baby under those conditions.”

“Damn. I have to give up my blunts.”

“Only for nine months,” he assured. “If that doesn't work, you can always look into...other options.”

The suggestion sounded too sexual for Matt's liking. He pushed himself out of his seat.

“But getting drug free is what you should start with,” the man stammered. “Try again with your partner. And if that doesn't work, you know where to find me.” The doctor rushed towards the exit but not before he flinched at Matt pretending to lunge at him.

Shea laughed so hard that she snorted.

“I'm glad you're amused by this. Now put your clothes on so we can leave.”

“Can we go eat ice cream?”

“Sure.”

---

“No more ice cream for youuuu,” Clark teased her mother.

“She eats more candy and junk than me! How do I have a cavity and she doesn't?”

The dentist shrugged.

“This is devastating.”

“It's just one cavity, Mommy. It's not the end of the universe.”

“Shut your trap, little miss perfect smile.”

Clark grinned. “You have a cavity and a chipped tooth. You should have a tooth fairy wedding so she can fix you all up.”

Violet gasped. “Who teaches you to be so shady?!”

“You.”

Violet sighed. “Fair enough. Fill 'er in, doc.”

---

By the time Violet made it home from running her errands, she found her fiance watching TV in bed. She kissed him.

“How was the dentist?”

“Ugh, don't even get me started on that. How was the doctor's appointment with your precious Shea?”

“It was alright, but I almost killed that goddamn doctor.”

“Why?”

“He was such a perv! While he was looking at her  down there he'd say shit like ‘oh, are you single? It looks really, really good down here’.”

“What the- why would a doctor be looking at her down there? STD?”

“She went to a fertility clinic.”

The woman paused. “Hold on, let me get this straight. You took your ex-wife to a fertility doctor...where her vagina was all out...do you have any idea how that looks?!”

“Well, duh I know how her vagina looks. We were married for like ten years.”

“Not her vagina, Matthew! The situation! That's like me going to the sperm bank with my ex and helping him finish for the cup!”

He scoffed. “That's totally not the same thing.”

“Well it is to me,” Violet sniffled. “You don't even care enough about my feelings to admit it!”

Matt groaned. “Babe, what do you want from me?!”

“All of you!”

“You have all of me! I proposed, didn't I?!”

“Well, I don't want anyone trying to take you away from me! I want to get married sooner rather than later!”

“Okay!”

“If I have things ready by next two weeks will you be ready?!”

“Yes!”

“Alrighty, then!”

“Okay! Can we stop yelling now?!”

The appeased woman nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too, pumpkin.”

“Ah, ah, ahhhh,” Violet reprimanded as she wagged her finger. “Save it for your vows.”

---

1 week later

---

When Violet heard her doorbell ring she rushed to open it and squealed when she saw that her guest had arrived.

“David Tutera! Hello!” the woman greeted the world renowned wedding planner.

“Hi, gorgeous,” he replied as he kissed both of her cheeks.

“It's so nice to meet you, come on in.”

Violet led the man to the dining room table where she'd set out photos, swatches and magazine clippings of what she wanted for her big day.

“So what do we have here?” he asked as he sat down.

“My wedding plans! Okay, so I want the grandest, most expensive, most over the top, like, we need to shut down the city and call the mayor because it'll be that amazing. Literally the best wedding that you've ever done before, David!”

“Um, okay. I think I could manage that. And when is your wedding day?”

“Next week.”

The man's jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?! When I do weddings, I at least take six months to prepare!”

“Well, clear your schedule, sweetheart. I needed my fiance to legally be mine since like yesterday, so figure it out. You need to do this wedding by next week.”

“Excuse me? Do you have any idea who I am and whose events I've planned?!”

“Well, duh. I called you for a reason, but this is an opportunity for you to step up your game.”

“Unbelievable,” the man said as he pushed himself out of his seat. “Good luck with this one. I'm not touching it.”

“Seriously?! Do not understand the severity of what you're saying to me?! I am the fashion director at Girly Magazine, my column could make or break your entire line of bridal gowns!”

David blew her a kiss. “I'll pass. Good luck, sweetheart.” As the wedding planner passed the stairs, he froze when he saw the man in the fitted Spiderman costume, that left little of his physique to the imagination, descending them.

Matt pulled off his mask and shook out his hair. “Hey,” he greeted. “You must be David. I'm Matt, the fiance.”

David gulped. “Nice to meet you.”

“Thank you so much for agreeing to come help Violet. She deserves it.”

“Yeah? Well, I'd be more than happy to help you.”

Violet squealed. “So you changed your mind?!”

Without taking his eyes off of Matt, the wedding planner nodded.

“Yayyyy!”

“Super Clark, awayyyy!” the girl shouted as she sprinted by in nothing but her cape, goggles and underwear.

---

Over the next week, David failed to get Matt more involved with the wedding planning so the scheduled appointments became fewer and farther between.

An agitated Violet quickly took matters into her own hands and fired the man in dramatic fashion. And to prove a point, she called the producers of the hit television show Bridezillas.

“Matthew, sit down so that we can do this goddamn interview!”

“I'm not good with camerasss. Why'd you call them?”

“So that people can see what a shitty planner David actually is! He literally wanted little to nothing to do with just me because I probably intimidated him too much and I want people to see that.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “He was nice enough to me.”

“Babeee,” she whined. “You were absent for the venue and the linen pickings, this is the least that you can do.”

“You seriously think I'd take off of work for table clothes?”

“Yes!”  

“Um, no. I'm still paying off that damn Birkin so taking off, especially for tablecloths, is not an option right now. Call me for important stuff like the cake tasting and the actual day of the wedding.”

“You're such a typical man!”

“Thank you.”

“Ugh!” the woman groaned before storming off and entering the nearest bathroom before slamming the door behind her.

The Bridezilla producers high-fived each other. “This is pure gold!”

Violet peeked out of the bathroom. “You filmed that?”

“Of course! You were brilliant.”

“That was not brilliant! I can't even get my fucking fiance to cooperate! All he cares about is his stupid work and me swallowing and I've had it up to here with him!”

The producers high-fived again.

---

A few days later Violet managed to get Matt out of work with a cake tasting while the Bridezilla cameras followed all the while.

The baker brought out several samples before the man and his daughter dove into the same slice.

“Damn, that's good.”

“Damn, that's good!” Clark repeated with a mischievous giggle.

“Hey,” Matt chastised. “Don't say that.”

“Hey,” she mocked. “Don't say that.”

“Oh, so we're a parrot today?”

“Oh, so we're a parrot today?”

“Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?” Matt spewed.

“Peter...pickles... pizza!” she said with a cackle.

Matt laughed and kissed her forehead. “So what's this flavor?” he asked the baker.

“That's the birthday flavor. It’s French vanilla with sprinkles added into the batter.”

“I love it. It's the one.”

“I love it. It's the one,” Clark repeated.

“Hold on, jerks,” Violet protested. “I have to taste more.” The woman sampled the chocolate cake and practically melted in her seat. “That's amazing. Out of everything I've tasted, that's the best. I want this one.”

Matt wrinkled his nose. “I don't like chocolate cake.”

“I don't like chocolate cake,” Clark reiterated despite it being a lie.

“Well, too bad. I want this.”

“Woman, this is not a dictatorship. We both have to agree.”

“Woman, this is not a dictatorship. We both have to agree.”

Violet scoffed. “Both of you need to just shut up and agree to have the chocolate.”

“Well, you can have both,” the baker reminded.

“No, this isn't even about the cake anymore,” Violet fumed. “It's about these two trying to gang up on me.”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“What are you even talking about?!”

“I want the chocolate cake but you guys are being extra!”

“We can get both flavors, Violet! What's the fucking problem with that?!”

“We can get both flavors, Violet! What's the freaking problem with that?!” Clark added, being careful to censor herself.

“This is the problem!” Violet shouted as she tossed a handful of cake at the man. “You're my problem! You're not fucking listening to me!”

Matt dusted the crumbs off of himself before grabbing the cake with the most frosting and planting in directly into the woman's face.

Clark hid behind her fingers and waited for her mother's reaction.

Violet cleared the icing from her face. “Okay, Matthew,” she said with a light chuckle. “I'm literally going to kick your ass.” To the baker's chagrin, a cake fight quickly ensued.

The Bridezilla cameras caught every moment and even caught a lens full of frosting when Clark began to target them.

“Okay, okay,” Matt relented. “You can have your chocolate.”

“I’m glad you came to your senses,” Violet said as she caught herself from slipping on the strawberry filling.

“Absolutely. The wedding cake will be chocolate but my groom's cake will be the birthday flavor.”

“Groom’s cake?”

“Yayyy! We have come to a settlementalize!” Clark cheered.

---

Naomi couldn't believe how emotional Violet was when she met her friend in the airport parking lot.

“I fucking missed you!”

“I missed you too! I get back from my honeymoon and find out that you're engaged and planning your damn wedding- on Bridezillas!”

“Yeah,” she sniffled.

Naomi wiped the woman's tears. “I'm back, babe. Let's do this thing.”

---

Violet slinked out of the bridal dressing room in the tightly fitted strapless gown.

Raven and Naomi gasped while Clark wrinkled her nose.

The woman stopped in front of the full length mirror and groaned. “Oh my God, you guys I'm so fat! This is a fucking size four and I had to suck it in to squeeze into the motherfucker.”

“Lazaro’s dresses run small though,” Raven reminded. “Fucking asshole.”

“At least it isn't David Tutera,” Naomi teased.

Violet rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. Did you finish that article on him?”

“I did. He's officially dead in the fashion world.”

“Good. But that still doesn't help this dresssss,” Violet whined.

“I hate it,” Clark admitted.

“Really, CC?” Naomi asked.

“Yes! It's too plain. Where is the princess dress that I picked out for you?”

Violet turned from side to side, examining her silhouette in the dress before groaning. “I'll try on your pick now, sweetheart.”

When the woman returned to the dressing room, she gave the dress that she intentionally hated a second look. The consultant pulled the large ball gown from its protective casing and Violet took in every detail from the full skirt with soft jewel appliques and a train so long that it gave Princess Diana a run for her money to the delicate beading on the bodice that offered a hint of sparkle but nothing too over the top.

“This is actually really beautiful.”

The woman climbed out of the fitted dress and the bridal consultant assisted her in pulling the ball gown over her hips and gliding the off-the- shoulder sleeves into place before she attempted to corset the woman up.

“Fuck, that's tight,” Violet groaned. “What size is this?”

“A six.”

“Six?! Oh my God, I'm obese.”

“You're not obese...just a little bloated.”

“Bloated?!” She exploded.

“I'm sorry, you-”

“No! Get the fuck away from me! Naomi!”

Her friend entered the room a few moments later. “Yes, honey?”

“This bitch just called me bloated. I want to get the fuck out of here!”

“Whoa, why would you say that?”

“I-” the consultant got out before Violet cut her off.

“Because she's an evil bitch! I'm never coming to this boutique again and I'll take my five million Girly Magazine subscribers with me!”

Violet stormed out of the dressing room and when Clark saw her mother, the small child's entire face lit up.

“Mommy, you look so beautiful!”

“You really think so, baby?”

“Yes!”

“You really are glowing, Vi,” Naomi assured.

“And your boobs look incredible,” Raven added.

The woman sniffled. “Thank you, guys. I feel fat, but beautiful nonetheless.”

“David Tutera, eat your heart out!” Raven shouted at the nearest Bridezilla camera. “I’m sorry to hear about the unfortunate blaze that reduced  your bridal warehouse to ashes.”

“Buy that one! Buy that one!��� Clark urged.

“I'm not buying anything from here. I will call Vera Wang herself and get my own, custom made gown that fits me perfectly without a goddamn size tag on it.”

“That's like cheating,” Naomi admitted. “I love it.”

“Mommy, are you saying yes to this dress?!”

“Yes!”

“Wooooo!”

---

6 weeks later

---

“Even though it took us longer to get here than I wanted, I'm glad we made it,” Violet said as a toast to her bridesmaids. “Cheers, bitches!”

“Cheers, bitches!” Clark repeated as she held up her apple juice. On the average day, she would've gotten in trouble, but on her parents wedding day, any form of celebration was accepted.

Violet took a sip of her champagne, but the second that the alcohol touched her lips, the woman became queasy.

“Naomiiii,” she whined. “Please get my veil.”

“How come?”

“I think I'm going to be sick and I don't want to ruin it.”

“Oh, dear.” Naomi panicked but was swift in action to remove the cathedral length piece of lace art from the back of her friend's softly curled updo.

As soon as she was free, Violet gathered the bottom of her massive skirt and stuffed herself into the bathroom. Her maid of honor was right by her side, wrapping a sheet around her neck to protect the dress and her own fitted, blush pink gown from any splatter. Violet spewed into the toilet bowl until her stomach was empty.

“Oh God,” the woman groaned as she flushed.

“Better?”

Violet nodded. “I don't know what that was about.”

“Premarital nervousness?”

“Sounds about right,” she sighed.

“Okay, good. I was thinking oh, lord let's not have food poisoning today of all days.”

“I haven't even eaten anything. I had a salad last night and cranberry juice this morning because I didn't want to be bloated.”

“You aren't pregnant, are you?” Naomi joked but the expression on Violet's now pale face was eerily familiar. “Oh my God, Vi! Is this why you've been feeling moody and bloated?!”

“I'm not moody or bloated!” she retorted through a sniffle.

Naomi folded her arms.

Violet exhaled. “There's a Walgreens a block away from here.”

The woman and her maid of honor rushed out of the bathroom, then out of the bridal suite and down the corridor at top speed.

“We got a runaway bride, y'all!” Raven shouted.

---

“What do you think is taking so long?” Matt nervously asked Jake.

“It takes women a long time to do everything, especially weddings. Just be patient.”

The man took a deep breath and continued to wait for the love of his life.

---

Violet's full skirt was gathered in her hands while Naomi carried the caboose as they skittered down the New York street in four inch heels. The sight earned them honks from cabs, cheers from passersby and premium ratings from the Bridezilla cameras.

When they finally made it to the pharmacy, it was a Deja Vu moment as they each grabbed a handbasket. The women quickly cleared out the pregnancy test section before grabbing a case of plastic cups and a liter of orange juice.

“Are we really doing this here?” Naomi asked as they entered the pharmacy bathroom stall.

“Yes! It's clean enough. Besides, I don't need these people in my business,” she said as she closed the door, blocking off the cameras.

---

Word of Violet's disappearing act quickly spread throughout the church and her father couldn't have been more excited.

“I'm just upset that she literally ran. Why didn't she take the Lamborghini I rented for such great emergencies as this?”

---

“Okay, how are we going to do this?” Naomi asked.

“Get under there.”

“Under your skirt?!”

“Yes! Pleaseeee, Naomi. You know I can't see my vagina, let alone reach it in this dress.”

The woman exhaled. “You're so fucking lucky that I love you like the abusive sister I've never had.”

Violet grinned and lifted her skirt, allowing her friend to crouch down and close her eyes as she removed the bridal thong. “Just place the cup between my thighs, I can hold it up like that.”

Naomi obliged and exited Violet's crinoline as quickly as she could.

“Jesus, you act like it's a sushi bar down there.”

“Is your vagina vajazzled?”

“...Maybe.”

---

Matt nervously paced the altar while Mr. Chachki cheekily made his way down the aisle alone.

“Wh-Where’s Violet?” Matt asked.

“She took my advice. She's gone.”

“What do you mean gone?”

“She ran, son! She realized that this isn't what she wanted. The wedding's off.”

Sharp gasps and low murmurs filled the congregation.

“You're lying,” Matt hissed as he stormed down the aisle pass the man. The second that he rounded the corner, he bumped into his sobbing daughter.

“Daddy, Mommy's gone! She's going to miss the wedding!”

Matt felt his heart swell in his chest as he came to the realization that he was right all along. There was no way that a woman like that could love him.

“Hey, heyyy,” the man cooed as he picked his child up. He refused to let her see him emotional. “It's okay. We won't let these outfits go to waste. There's a Marvel convention going on today. Do you want to go?”

“No, I want Mommyyyy,” she cried.

“I know, but she's not here right now, boo. We can go see Batman in the meantime. Okay?”

“Okayyy.”

With Clark in hand, Matt stormed out of the church doors with no intentions of looking back.

---

“Positive... positive... positive!” Naomi cheered as she read pregnancy test after pregnancy test. “Vi, congratulations! Today is like a two-for-one special!”

Violet burst into tears and her friend pulled her into an embrace. “How could this happen?!”

---

8 weeks earlier

“Is it safe to go condom free in the shower?” Matt asked. “Sperm is less effective in water. I mean that's just science, right?”

---

“Oh, God, my life will be over!” Violet wailed.

“No it won'ttttt. Clark was a surprise baby and look how amazing she turned out.”

“I meant my sex life!”

“Oh... probably,” Naomi said as she answered her phone. “Hey, baby… What?! Why'd he leave?! Oh my God. And where'd they go? Okay, okay, we're on our way.” She hung up. “Matt took Clark and left the ceremony because he thought you were a runaway bride…which is kinda fair.”

“Where is heeee?”

“At the Comic Con thing.”

Violet scowled. “With Shea. Naomi, get your sneakers. We have unfinished business to take care of.”

---

“This is amazing!” Clark squealed. She excitedly patted her father's leg. “Daddy, look! It's Storm!”

“You wanna meet her?”

The girl hid behind the man's pants leg. “I don't knowwww.”

“Aww, don't be scared, boo.”

“Matthew!”

“Okay, now you can be scared.”

Violet stormed through the convention shoving superhero after superhero out of her way.

“Nice costume!” someone complimented.

“Get out of my way!” she snarled as she spotted the man and stormed over.

“Mommyyyy,” Clark cheered, rushing into the woman's full skirt as if it was a snow bank.

“What are you doing here?” Matt demanded.

“Where is she?!”

“Who?!”

“Shea! I know you're at this nerd fest with her!”

“No,” he emphasized. “I'm sure she's here somewhere, but I wouldn't know. I'm here with my daughter.”

“You’re so full of shit, Matthew!”

“Says the bitch who left me at the altar!” he exploded.

Clark quickly covered her ears.

“I didn't leave you! Rushing to Walgreens, I was in too much of a panic to tell anyone what was going on!”

“Walgreens?” he scoffed. “You can't come up with a better lie?”

“It's not a fucking lie! I'm being followed every fucking where by Bridezilla cameras if want proof, ask them, asshole!”

Matt exhaled. “Fine. So you want to explain why you left Clark and I at the church with no explanation?”

“I threw up after tasting champagne and it all went downhill from there.” She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

The man couldn't process the rollercoaster of emotions that he was feeling. “Oh my God! Babe, why didn't you tell me?!”

“I literally just found out at Walgreens,” she sniffled.

He pulled her into an embrace. “Baby, I'm so sorry for thinking the worst.”

“You really think I'd run? Pfft, if anyone ever runs, it'd be you because I love you way too much for that.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” the man promised. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

They shared a kiss and the crowd that had gathered to watch the melodrama play out began to cheer.

“Let’s get married. Right here, right now.”

“But we have everything all set up at the venue,” she reminded.

“I know, but I can't go another second without you

being my wife.”

“I'm an ordained minister,” the overweight Deadpool announced. “I could officiant it.”

“Yes!” Matt cheered.

“Matthewwww,” Violet gasped in disbelief. “You really want to get married in front of all of these strangers dressed as superheroes and villains?”

There was an overwhelming applause at the prospect.

“I'd marry you on a boat. I'd marry you with a goat. I'd marry in a dumpster. I'd-”

“Okay, okay,” she rushed out of sheer excitement. “Let's do it.”

As Deadpool dusted the corndog crumbs off of his costume, Matt removed Clark's hands from her ears. “It's okay, boo! We're getting married here!”

“Here?!”

“Yes!”

“But what about the cake?!”

“We can eat the cake afterwards.”

“Yayyy!”

A nearby convention manager handed Deadpool a microphone. “Okay, do you, um-” He held the mic up to the man.

“Matt.”

“Do you take-” He held the mic up to the woman.

“Violet.”

“Do you take Violet-”

“Wait, can you say our full names?” she asked. “It just sounds more classy that way.”

“Okay. Do you-” He held the mic up to the man.

“Matthew James Lent.”

“Take-” He held the mic up to the woman.

“Violet Christine Chachki to be your-”

The small child snatched the microphone. “My name is Clark Christine Lent!”

The crowd cheered making the girl let out a shy giggle. She returned the microphone back to Deadpool.

“Okay, do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love, cherish and to protect from T-Ray?”

Matt laughed and Violet made a confused face.

“Who's T-Ray?” she asked.

There were low gasps that spread through the crowd.

“He's Deadpool's enemy.”

“Oh...and he's Deadpool?”

“Yes, honey.”

“Ohhhh, okay. I thought he was the Iron Man or something.”

“No, Mommy!” Clark protested. “Just sshhhh and repeat the words. You're embarrassing me and driving everyone coconuts!”

Violet laughed. “Sorryyy.”

“I do,” Matt promised.

“And do you, Violet Christine Chachki, take Matthew to be your lawfully wedded husband. To love, to cherish and to learn as much as you can about Marvel before you crash our convention in a fancy dress ever again?”

Everyone laughed.

“I do.”

“By the holy powers vested in me by the amazing Dr. Killebrew, I now pronounce you hero and...hero in training. You may kiss your bride.”

Matt eagerly tried his hand at romance by dipping his new wife and passionately placing his lips against hers.

“Enough icky stuff!” Clark protested. “Let's go get some cake!”

---

After putting on a second ceremony for their friends and family, the couple happily sashayed into the reception.

Clark danced with her disgruntled grandfather while her parents enjoyed each other's company...a little too much.

Matt kissed along the woman's neck and grabbed her ass while they swayed along to the music.

“Matthewwww,” she giggled. “Be appropriateee.”

“I can't help myselffff. You're beautiful and you're pregnant. We're married and you're pregnant. I wanna make love to you and make more babies but I don't have to ‘cause you're pregnant!”

“Ssshhhhh! I don't want everyone to find out this way. How do you want to tell Clark?”

“I... don't...know,” he said in between kisses. “Can we leave early for our honeymoon?”

Violet laughed. “I can not with you. Um, okay. We'll set an appointment for the ultrasound and make sure that everything is okay before we tell Clark.”

“Tell me what?” The girl with two bare handfuls of cake asked.

Violet jumped. “Clark! What did I tell you about snooping around, listening to people's conversations?”

“Wellll, if it's to get tea on the Starbucks bitch that gave you a full fat latte then-” the woman plopped some of the cake into her daughter's mouth. “You're just a little sponge, aren't you?”

Clark nodded.

To distract the girl from hearing any more secrets, the newlyweds started dinner early. Violet wrinkled her nose at the steak that was placed in front of her.

“So now I know why you've been extra picky lately,” Matt said.

“It doesn't look as good as it did last week when we did the food tasting,” she groaned.

“What are you craving? I'll get you anything you want.”

She looked at him and smiled. “Dill pickles and crunchy peanut butter.”

“Okay, Mrs. Lent.” He kissed her bare shoulder before pushing himself out of his seat. The man rushed to the nearest grocery store, grabbed the desired items and placed them on the conveyor belt.

“Nice suit,” the brace faced, teenage checkout boy said.

“Thank you! It's my wedding day.”

“Oh, wow, congratulations.”

“Wait, there's more. I also just found out that my wife is pregnant!”

“Holy Toledo! You work fast, don't you?! Get over here!”

Matt accepted the hug from the stranger.

“You wanna be my daddy too?” he whispered into the man's ear forcing Matt to snatch away.

“If I wasn't in such a good mood, I'd punch you for that,” he chirped as he grabbed the peanut butter and pickles. “Have a good day, buddy!”

---

As Matt gnawed on his steak with one hand, his other hand managed to grope Violet's thigh while she happily ate her peanut butter dipped pickles.

“Alright, alright, how's everyone doing tonight?” Naomi said into the microphone. “I just want to take a moment to say a few words to my new brother. Matthew, we haven't come very far fashion wise, but I've seen a monumental change in you. You've stepped up to the plate and you're taking care of my sister. I really love how happy you make her, so let's continue to do that and I wish you guys so many years of love and happiness. I love you.”

“Thank you,” Matt replied while Violet blew kisses.

“My turn! My turn!” Clark squealed as she rushed to the stage. Naomi handed her the microphone. “I love my parents sooooo muchhh,” the girl said, speaking with her lips pressed directly against the mic. “And I love my dress and my dogsss, Dr. Doom and Mr. Loki. And I love Grandmas and Grandpaaaa and my aunts and unclesss and my cousins and my toysss and my comicsss and my-”

“Can we give someone else a turn, CC?” Naomi asked.

Clark frowned. “But I'm not finisheddd.”

Naomi defensively raised her hands.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little starrrrrrrr. How I wonder what you areeee?” the girl squeaked into the microphone. Everyone waited patiently for her to finish, and when she received a standing ovation, Clark just knew that they all loved her performance so much that they just had to hear it again.

---

Mr. Chachki clutched the mic tightly in his fist. “I've been a part of my country club for about twenty-six years now and I've taken advantage of the various club activities. Horseback riding, archery, how to assemble an AK 47 in less than twelve seconds. To summarize: I love my children. And if anyone upsets them...well, you can just ask Abraham what happens.”

Rose's husband raised his champagne glass. “I still have the scars.”

Matt gulped.

---

“Twinkle, twinkle little starrrrrrr.”

---

“Um, this is fucking- I mean, freaking amazing,” Jake declared. “I'm lit. This fuc- freaking wedding is lit. The bar is open. I smoked a dubey beforehand and it's just...yeah. Matty, I fuck-freaking love your ass- butt, bro. Violet, you smell really good all the time so that's a plus. Um, I actually had a damn...darn...wait, is Clark allowed to hear 'damn’?”

---

Abraham lifted his shirt. “Scar...scar... spot where the arrow head is still lodged.”

---

“Twinkle, twinkle little starrrrrrrr!”

---

“Because 'darn’ and ‘damn’ are practically the same thing. Any-fucking-way, um, I had surprise for you guys...but I left it at home.”

---

Matt cleared his throat before he spoke into the microphone. “I don't think you guys realize just how much of a mess I was before I met Violet.”

“I do,” Raven interjected to everyone's amusement.

“Yeah, yeah,” Matt chuckled. “My wife...damn, it feels good to say that and have it finally coordinate with the person I'm currently with.”

Violet laughed and disapprovingly waved her finger at the man.

“I love you. I don't think I can stress that enough. And I...I...I just really don't want an arrowhead to be lodged in my shoulder.”

Everyone laughed with the exception of the seriousness of Mr. Chachki.

“Violet Christine, I love you with all of my heart and I'm so happy that we're expanding our family.”

Violet palmed her face.

“Damn...that was supposed to be a surprise, wasn't it?”

With tightly pursed lips, Violet nodded.

The man let out a nervous laugh. “Well…surprise!”

Violet pushed herself out of her seat and stormed into the nearest bathroom, swiftly followed by Naomi then Raven.

“I can't believe that he did that!” she sobbed as settled onto the floor, using the multiple layers of her skirt as a cushion while Naomi handed her tissues.

“Pfft, really? It's Matthew,” Raven reminded. “Just because you married him, doesn't make him any smarter.”

There was a knock on the door.

“Go away, Matthew,” Raven ordered.

“It's not Matthew.”

Violet recognized the woman's voice and frowned. “Shea?”

“May I come in?”

The woman reluctantly nodded her head so Raven slowly opened the bathroom door to let the woman in. She wasn't surprised to see her dressed as Catwoman.

“Sorry that I couldn't get formal. I just left the Marvel convention.”

“Clearly,” Violet sniffled. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to talk…alone,” she said as she looked at the woman's glowering bodyguards.

Raven scoffed. “No way.”

“It's fine,” Violet sighed. “The sooner we talk, the sooner she can leave.”

It wasn't the attitude that Shea wanted, but she'd take what she could get. The woman's bridesmaids reluctantly left the room just to stand on the other side of the door to listen.

Shea’s leather squeaked as she sank to the floor next to the Violet. “So, I saw you guys at the convention and I didn't want to interrupt the moment. It was beautiful.”

“Thank you,” the woman sniffled.

“And congratulations on your pregnancy, girl! I haven't been so lucky, but I'm still trying.”

“Don't wear a condom in the shower,” she suggested.

“Um...thanks for the advice. But really, I just saw Jake's location on his Instagram post and I wanted to stop by to congratulate you. I was hoping that we could be friends.”

“Well, I don't hate, hate you.”

Shea smiled. “That's good enough for me. And I'm really sorry that Matty ruined your pregnancy announcement. He's a little slow sometimes but there's a way of controlling him that you have to master. The secret: his ears.”

“But that's the thing! He totally doesn't listen!”

“The secret isn't listening. It's his ears...literally. They're like hot wired to his dick and if he stroke them enough, he's putty in your hands.”

“Really?” Violet gasped as she processed the information.

“Yes! And if he's drunk, he'll jizz in his pants.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way!” Shea giggled. “This is my wedding gift to you. Use this secret to get him to behave.”

“That's fucking amazing. Thank you so much, Shea,” Violet said as she extended her arms and invited the woman into an embrace.

“Let me in!” Matt demanded on the other side of the door. “She's my wife!”

“And that doesn't give you a right treat her like shit,” Naomi retorted.

“I'm not treating her like shit! In my overexcited state, I just shared the good news at my wedding. Is that really so bad?”

“Let him in!” Violet shouted.

Seconds later, Matt entered the bathroom and was surprised to see Shea.

“What are you doing here…dressed as Catwoman?”

Shea pushed herself off of the floor. “Talked to Violet, just left comic convention.”

“So did we! I really wish that we would've ran into each other s-”

“Shhhh, Matty. That's not important right now.” Shea made her way towards the door. “Congratulations, guys,” she said quietly before exiting.  

Matt crouched to the floor in front of his wife and wiped her tears away.

“Thank God for waterproof mascara, right?”

The man frowned. “Baby, I'm sorry for spilling the beans. I just got way too caught up in the moment.”

Violet sighed. “It's okay. My biggest issue is getting people too excited too soon. I mean, I have no idea how far along I am- I don't like to count my eggs before they hatch.”

“That makes sense but this baby will be fine. I can already tell how strong he is.”

“He?” Violet challenged. “You remember what happened the last time you assumed that you were having boy? It took you like three days to flawlessly use the correct pronouns for Clark.”

“Yeah, yeah, but I'm sure that he's going to be an actual ‘he’ this time.”

The newlyweds laughed. “Only time will tell.”

“In the meantime, do you forgive me?”

Violet nodded and when they shared a kiss, she took the opportunity to grab the man's right ear.

“Wh-Whatcha doing?” he panted.

“Nothingggg,” Violet said mischievously as she began to massage the man's lobe. The woman was amazed that Shea was actually being truthful, let alone see Matt writhe under the simple touch.

“Baby, babyyy, what are- ughhhh.”

“I forgive you for being a big mouth, excited father, but I want another Birkin for the slip up and a pair of Manolos when my feet get too swollen for my regular shoes. Okay?” She gave his ear a firm squeeze.

“Fuck! Yes! Anything you want- it's yours.”

She smiled, released his ear and stole a kiss.

“Did Shea tell you about that?!”

“Yes. But I don't need it. You'd buy me nice things whether I manipulate you or not because you love meeee.”

Matt grabbed the woman and kissed her all over. “I do, I do, my snuggle wuggle bunny.”

As Violet giggled, Clark slowly pushed the bathroom door open. The wide eye girl moved like a baby Frankenstein and was so excited that she began hyperventilating as she approached her mother.

“What's wrong with you?” Violet asked.

“I'm...going...to be...a big...sister!”

“Awww, sweetheartttt! Well, if everything goes-”

Clark placed a sticky hand over her mother's lips to silence her. A year ago, the woman would've had a full on panic attack, but motherhood had desensitized her to child induced messes.

“Don't speak.” She turned to her father. “When will the baby be here?”

“I'm not sure yet. We have to go to the doctor, they can tell us.”

“Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Violet mumbled against the girl's hand but Clark pinched her lips. “Sshhhhh! Ladies with babies can't talk!”

The woman did her best not to laugh.

“Daddy will be your transmitter. Okay?”

Violet nodded.

Clark turned to her father again. “Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?”

“I'm not sure yet. We have to go to the doctor, they can tell us,” he repeated.

“Ugh! Why don't you know anything?!”

“Because I'm not a doctor.”

Clark groaned. “Well I am. I'll tell you all about this baby.” She let go of her mother's lips. “Mommy, lay down.”

“I'm not putting my head on the floor, Clark.”

“Do you wanna know about this baby or not?!”

“I do bu-”

“Then you have to listen to the prosexual doctor! I watch more Doc McStuffins than you so I know what I'm doing!”

Violet went to correct the girl but the cackling Matt pleaded for his wife to let the her continue. He removed his suit jacket and placed it on the floor. “You are now protected from the floor. Lay down and listen to the prosexual doctor.”

The woman rolled her eyes and obliged.

“Daddy, I need your phone.”

The man handed the device over to the small child and watched as she turned on the flashlight. She shined it in Violet's face.

“Hmm..” the girl hummed. “This doesn't look good.”

“What is it, doctor?” Matt asked.

“I can't put my finger on it.. let's listen to the baby.” Clark crouched to the floor and placed her head against her mother's abdomen. “Holy Batman!” she shrieked as she sat up.

Violet jumped. “What's wrong?”

“That baby is yelling!”

The woman rolled her eyes. “Clark, babies don't-”

“What is it saying?” Matt eagerly asked.

Clark returned her ear to her Violet's stomach. “The baby says... it's dark in here and...it wants cake! Okay, little baby, I'll get you some cake!” Clark jumped to her feet and sprinted out of the bathroom.

“I think she has a gift,” the man said honestly.

Violet sat up. “I need to get out of here before that child tries to feed me cake in the bathroom.”

“Good idea.”

Matt quickly stood and helped his wife to her feet. “Are you ready for Paris?”

Violet nodded just as a grimace crossed her face before she rushed into the toilet stall to vomit. Clark burst into the bathroom with two platefuls of chocolate cake. “What'd I miss?”

The woman continued to retch.

“Paris is looking bleaker by the minute. Babe, do you think we should postpone the honeymoon?”

“Until when?” Violet demanded. “When I'm six months pregnant and huge?!”

“No, just until you feel better.”

“News flash, Matthew: pregnancy sucks! I felt like shit throughout the entire first one!” She turned to Clark. “No offense.”

The girl shrugged. “Eh.”

“Well, what do you want to do, babe?”

“Let's-”

“Let's go to Disney World!” Clark suggested.

“We just left Disney World three months ago, boo.”

“Excisely! Three months is a long time. We're due back anyyyy day now.”

“It isn't a half bad idea,” Violet said as she wiped her mouth. “You guys can ride the rides while I eat and wave at you.”

Matt laughed. “That's exactly what happened last time.”

“True but it was fun.”

“Then Disney World it.”

“Yayyyyy!” Clark shrieked. “This is the best day ever!”

“And what does the baby say?” Matt asked.

The girl rushed over to her mother and urged her to lean down.

“Hmm... it's still dark in there...and the baby still wants that cake and oh? What's that? Clark should have a pony?! Yes! You're right, baby, you're right! You'll be the best little brother or sister ever!”

“Get over here, you!” Matt said as he scooped his daughter into his arms. “Let's go get your things packed.”

The family exited the bathroom and as they left the venue, their wedding guests bid them farewell with the bubbles that they blew. Clark eagerly popped them while their getaway car pulled up.

Matt's jaw dropped. “Is that my Batmobile?!”

“Yeahhh,” Violet sighed. “As ugly as it is, I just couldn't let you sell it.”

“Ah, I love you!” Matt shouted as he squeezed her.

“Too tight, too tight,” she wheezed.

“Sorry! Babe, let's go!” The man pulled his wife and child along and they hopped into the specially made sports car.

*-*-*-*

Raven pulled her wife onto the dance floor and Naomi buried her face into the crock of her neck as they swayed. She got a good sniff of the other woman's hair.

“What's that smell? Is that...lighter fluid?”

“Nope.”

Naomi made the face. “Where is your purse?” The woman began to storm off.

“Babyyyy,” Raven groaned as she followed her. “The matches and lighter fluid are only for emergenciessss.”

*-*-*-*

“Ah!” Jake squealed as he sprinted away from Mr. Chachki's arrow. “I'm sorry!”

“Nobody curses and references drugs like that in front of my grandchildren!” the man shouted before releasing the weapon, sending it straight into the man's ass cheek.

*-*-*-*

Shea grabbed her purse and raised an eyebrow at the envelope that was sticking out of it. The woman checked the contents and was surprised to see two first class tickets to Paris. She grabbed the note and read the elegant script.

“‘I refuse to sit on an eight hour flight feeling like shit. Take your boo to Paris and get your ass knocked up!  ❤️  Violet’. Awww! I love that bitch. Now I have to throw away my shady crop top.”

*-*-*-*

“We're the Super Lents!” Clark shouted as her father sped down the road in his Batmobile. The cans tied to the bumper clattered against the asphalt drawing the attention of everyone who cared to read the 'Just Married’ sign attached to the back, the symbol of a new chapter in the young family’s life.