#also so sorry for disappearing for a few weeks the depression is depressioning again

[hayatoseyepatch]

Hi my lovelies, I thought the little tree trend going around is so stinking cute! I have one you can find here. And please if you have one let me know I’d love to do them (feel free to mention me or just be like “check my page bitch”, LMAO) it’s making me feel all festive!!

[amiharana]

(taps on mic) hello is this thing working

[parfaitblogs]

peace ❀ s. reid x reader

in which you self isolate, and spencer knows better than to let it get too bad. 

pairing: spencer reid x reader genre: hurt/comfort tags: established relationship. suicide ideation? ("i want it to end"). depression. lots of stuff that coincides with that. brief mention of reader not eating/having no food. please be aware of your triggers. i think i mention reader as a girl somewhere? word count: 1.9k a/n: i finished this then relistened to peace (taylor swift) which was the og inspo for this, and added a section in the middle so if it feels weird its because i failed at integrating it! this was supposed to be out two days ago. all my relationship insecurities in a fic. lol how embarrassing here's my heart tumblr dot com!! anyways enjoy ily all

also posted here on my ao3 !

Three consistent raps against your front door was the only sound that got you up that day, pyjamas that you had not shed from your body in a week hanging off a frame that could probably be described as lifeless — with the nearly dead-looking face to match.

In fact, the only thing to prove you were still a living human being aside from your movement, was the pink hue around your eyes, on your nose, and above your lips, indicating how much you had cried recently. 

Usually, it isn't this bad. You just need a day or two of rotting in your apartment and doing nothing but scrolling on your phone until it died, staring at the wall, or — on the better days — watching reruns of a 90s sitcom that you don't really watch. 

But it was exceptionally bad this time around, for some odd reason, and not one part of you actually wanted to get up and out of bed for long enough to be productive about your day. Your phone had died again, after charging it two days ago, which meant you were on day six of no communication with anybody. Which might partly be why it was so bad now. 

You had a blanket wrapped around your body, dragging against the floor as you wiped your eyes and let out a small sigh, unlocking your front door and opening it, completely unsurprised by the person standing on the other side. 

He was the only one who ever paid enough attention to your disappearing act when you were like this. 

His eyes softened at the sight of you — which is kind of amusing, considering you thought you looked like death reincarnate currently. 

Neither of you said anything as you stepped aside to allow him in, the door clicking shut behind him as he placed down the leather bag he had slung over his body, turning back to you as he finally allowed the frown to appear — one you knew he would've had the entire way here.

"Have you eaten today?" was the first thing to break the silence — the question coming out so gentle you were sure you'd break down again at some point in the next few seconds. 

You wordlessly shook your head, and he nodded his own, saying nothing else as he walked into your kitchen, knowing you'd trail behind him no matter what. 

He opened your fridge first, before closing it when he was greeted with the alarming sight of nothing. Doing the same with your pantry, at which he turned around to look at you.

"Angel, you have no food," he said. And while it held no malice in the tone of his voice, you could tell he was slightly annoyed at the fact. Your heart ached. 

"I know. I'm sorry," you mumbled, and his eyebrows creased inwards. 

He didn't mention your apology — arguing with you about your vast use of 'sorry's' is futile. "Do you want a pizza?" he asked instead, and even though you, mentally, did not, you knew he wasn't actually asking. So you only nodded your head, and found a place at your countertop, the blanket falling from your body and pooling to the ground in a heap.

He ordered a pizza, and then he was nudging your knees apart, standing between them while you stayed sat on a stool, his chin atop your head, that was buried into his chest. 

And he said nothing, as he held you like that until the pizza arrived. And then he ensured you had at least eaten two slices, the remainders going in your fridge for the next meal you needed to eat. 

He was so kind to you, with his every movement, as he dragged you into the bathroom to help you shower. 

It was heartbreaking, the love you could see in his eyes. The tenderness in every stroke of his fingers against your scalp as he washed your hair, the softness in his touch as he did the same to your body. He gently dried you, told you to stay there, disappeared, and returned with one of his many t-shirts left in your apartment drawers. 

That was when you cracked. When he pulled the shirt over your head, that smelled so painfully Spencer and you. The mix of his clean scent and your own laundry detergent that you were so accustomed to, triggering something in you.

So, you crumpled to the floor of your bathroom, and he followed soon after, his arms wrapped around your body once more, firm enough to keep you still as you sobbed into his chest. 

You weren't sure how long you stayed like that for. Long enough for your head to hurt, and your eyes to sting, and hideous snot bubbles to stain his cardigan. 

When your sobs subsided, he spoke. 

"You wanna talk about it?" he said, quietly, and you shook your head. 

"Don't know what to talk about," you mumbled, and he knew that all too well.

He nodded his own head. "Did something happen?"

"Lots of little things."

"Yeah? You wanna tell me about them?"

You hesitated, because you didn't know where to begin. But then you nodded your head wordlessly, swallowing the lump — and, by extension, the sob — in your throat. "I fell down on the stairs at the train station in front of everybody. And then I missed my stop, and I was late to work. And I had a huge project due, but I didn't finish it, and I forgot I hadn't finished it, and I was anxious about it all day. And I think my friends are just pretending to be my friends, because I keep trying to make plans with one of them, and she keeps blowing me off for her boyfriend. And I'm just really sick of being sad all the time, Spencer. I want it to end."

With the onslaught of your bad vignettes throughout the past month coming back up, you broke down, again. Another sob escaping your lips as you pushed your fists down into the tops of his thighs.

If it hurt, he didn't say anything; simply continued to hold you against his chest, on the floor of your bathroom, that, if it were any other time, he would be having a field day rambling about the germs you both were currently sitting on. 

He also didn't say anything for a while as you sobbed, instead his fingers entangled gently in your hair, and he peppered kisses along the top of your head. 

"I don't want it to end for you," he finally said. His hands slid down from your scalp to your face, holding your cheeks with such tender, pulling you back so he could look at you. 

You sniffled. "I'm so exhausted."

"I know, my love. I know," he sighed, thumbs caressing over your cheekbones. "Ending it won't fix that. You know, logically, however you die is the state you'll be in, in the afterlife. So if you die while you're exhausted..."

"You don't believe in the afterlife," you answer, but his words still cracked through your tearful expression, and your lips twitched with a small smile. 

He returned the small smile, nodding his head. "That's true. But I also don't know anything about post-death. I could be wrong."

"How terrible," you mutter, and he laughed, quietly. 

"I know," he mused, falling silent for a few moments longer, with only both of your quiet breathing to break the silence. 

His fingers ran through your hair once more, and you sniffled audibly, your brain wandering away from the small content you had felt in that exchange, and back to one of the many reasons why you had isolated in the first place. 

"Why are you still with me?" you said, slicing through the silence all at once. 

You watched the smile fall, and his eyebrows furrowed, and his lips part as he went — and hesitated — to say something. "What do you mean?"

"I'm difficult." Your voice is impossibly small, and it breaks a crack in his heart as his eyes soften. 

"No. You're not," he reassured. 

"Yes I am," you breathed out — and then the tears came back. "I get sad and then I stop responding and stop seeing you, and you don't get any warning even though I know you should, and I feel so awful every time but then that makes me feel worse. And I'm sad all the fucking time, Spencer. I mean, I get upset when you aren't at home and you have to deal with all those messages and calls even though you hate texting, but then you get home and I'm isolating myself because I'm sad, on top of all the other things that make me sad, and you deserve better. You deserve someone who can give you their all and—and—"

"Hey," he cut you off, as did the sob that was ripped from your throat. "No. That's not what we're going to do. Do not sit there and tell me what I do and don't deserve." 

"But you do deserve better."

"No," he sighed, resting his forehead on your own, warm breath fanning across your face that usually made you scrunch your face up and pull away, now comforting you. "Do you love me?"

"What? Yes, of course I do. Why would you even—"

"—That is the only requirement I have for you," he said, oh so simply. When you didn't reply, he pressed, "Okay?"

"Okay," you murmured, and he relaxes a little.

More silence fell between you, your tears subsiding and your shaking body relaxing a little more. 

Then, "Did you hurt yourself when you fell down?"

You nodded your head, reluctantly pulling back from him so you could show him. You pointed to a yellowing bruise just below your knee, and the grazes on the bottom halves of your palms. 

"Oh, wow. Look at these," Spencer said, running a thumb gently over the grazes on your hands. "You're braver than me. These would've taken me out."

You laughed, and you saw his face light up at the progress he was making with you, and your mood. 

He then pulled you back into his chest. More silence, but less anxiety, and you sat comfortably in his arms for a few moments longer. 

"Did I worry you?" you say. "Not responding?"

You were so close to him you could hear his breath hitch, and you prepared yourself for a lie about how he wasn't worried at all. Except; "Honestly? Yes."

"Oh."

He exhaled, shakily, and you were kind of glad he couldn't see your sadder expression, half-buried into his chest. 

"You've never gone that long without checking in," he then explained. "The first two days I got what was going on. By the fourth I figured you still needed space. Today I just had a gut feeling."

"Just a gut feeling?" you echoed, and you felt his head nod against your own. 

"Thought you might need someone."

You sighed. "I hate that you're a genius."

"No you don't."

"No, I don't."

His fingers entangled in your hair again. "I also didn't figure you needed me here because I'm a genius."

"No? Then how?" you asked.

"It's simple," he murmured, tugging your head back oh so gently so he could look at you again — puffy eyed, and tear-stained cheeks and all. "I just know."

"That's the most illogical sentence I've ever heard leave your mouth."

He laughed, and you smiled again.

"Come on," he then said, untangling your limbs and pulling the both of you up to your feet, hands ghosting your waist to hold you steady. "I am willing to sit through whatever awful movie you want me to watch."

your reblogs and replies are always appreciated dearly ♡

[luciferlightbringer]

Love in a Hopeless Place

Chapter 11

Chapter 10|Chapter 11|Chapter 12|Updated through Chapter 12

Lucifer x prostitute fem!reader Word Count: 5.8k CW: Slowburn, Angst, Prostitution, Hurt/comfort, trauma, fluff, depression, anxiety, insecurity, sexual tension, kissing, light teasing smut

Lucifer laid up in his bed the room up in the apple shaped penthouse that was made just for him at the upper left side of the hotel. He had made this room thinking he was be here more often, and then he stopped coming. The last few weeks may had been more tolerable if he had been here... Oh well, too late for that. Now he laid there thinking of the things the hotel people had said about you and him. Could there really be a way of fixing this?

Lucifer sighed, he was really trying not to get his hopes up. He wanted to be able to get a chance to fix things with you, pick things back up with you, if you would let him, he was willing to do practically anything to make things right with you. He'd fight 100 Adams and Alastors at the same time just for the chance to hold you again. But all he could do was lay there, in his bed, wondering if Charlie and Angel were talking to you. Would you be mad? Would you give him a chance to talk to you again? Would the report back from this exchange be the last he ever hears about you?

After what felt like hours, he heard a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Lucifer called out.

"Dad, it's me! Can I come in?" Charlie called from the other side of the door, Angel next to her and you a few steps back.

Your heart was racing, and hearing his voice on the other side of the door made it so much worse.

"Ya!" Lucifer yelled back, still staring at the ceiling. Charlie entered his room followed by Angel, you stayed outside of the door just out of view. "How did it go? Is she ok? Was she mad?" Lucifer asked Charlie and Angel, the pain laced in his voice was apparent. It broke your heart to hear it, but it made you feel less anxious to hear him prioritize concern for you. Care... as always.

"It went well, Dad, so well in fact... that we have someone here to see you," Charlie said, turning to the doorway.

Lucifer froze as he heard another pair of footsteps enter the room. He slowly sat up to meet your gaze, those beautiful (e/c) eyes, so full of their same gentleness and care, but also indescribable pain.

"(y/n)", he whispered, as if we was afraid that saying you name too loud might make you disappear.

You smiled, "Hi Lucifer," you said softly in return, his name sounded like music dripping from your lips. No malice, no anger, something... soft and beautiful, like you had been holding your breath for years and in saying his name you finally felt like you could exhale.

All you could do was stare at each other and take each other in. Charlie and Angel smiled at each other, then looked at you both as they started to back up.

"We'll just... give you too some space to talk," Charlie said, and then closed the door behind her and Angel. They pumped their fists with a quiet "Yes!" before running downstairs to tell the rest of the hotel crew what was going on.

You and Lucifer were now alone.

The air was tease and silent, neither of you knowing who should speak or make the first move.

At the moment you started to open your mouth, Lucifer moved to slip off the bed and onto his knees on the floor, hands on the ground in front of him and forehead pressed against his hands... bowing to you?!

"(y/n), darling... I... I'm sorry, I'm so... so sorry... Please... please believe when I say I don't remember what happened that night. I was drunk, I was nervous... I- I can't forgive myself for whatever I could hav-", Lucifer rambled as he started to shake as he kept his deep bow on the floor.

"Lucifer..." you say softly cutting him off, he jumped up a little, your voice suddenly being much closer than her expected. He looked up to see you on your knees in from of him, tears also starting to well in your eyes.

"You didn't hurt me that night," you said, tears starting to fall.

"I- I didn't?" he said through tears.

"No!" you cried, "I thought I had mad you mad and that's why you didn't call for me."

Lucifer's eyes went wide, "What?! No, of course not! I was so scared, I couldn't remember what happened that night and then I got a call from the Lounge that you were calling our appointments and I was banned from seeing you!"

"No! No, Lucifer I never banned you. You never hurt me, I- got scared, I was worried, you weren't acting like yourself, you were so drunk... you told me something... and I... I- I didn't know what to do... so I just ran! I ran and I disappeared for a little to figure things out. I came back and I waited, I waited and their was nothing! I thought you hated me and were done with me!"

"No! Never, never! Hells, Duckie, I've been a mess without you! I need you!" Lucifer cried. You and Lucifer were both a mess of hysterical tears at this point, and you collapsed into an embrace as you cried, reassuring each other through heavy sobs that you were not mad or upset at the other. It was a deep cry that you had both deeply needed in the arms of the other.

After several minutes, both of you started to calm down, tears still falling but now they were able to talk without heaving as hard through their sobs.

"So... what happened, exactly? Tell me your side of it all, please..." Lucifer finally choked out. You took a few more deep breaths before starting.

"You... you showed up at my apartment... you were drunk, stumbling, had a hard time teleporting. You were sweet but very touchy, you got more drunk and touchy as the night went on. I thought you were having a really bad day, then I thought you were nervous about may wanting to try being intimate again. But then... you told me something... something I didn't know how to respond to... I was scared about responding to it the wrong way, especially because you are the King and I am just a prostitute... I didn't know if you actually cared about me, even though it always felt like you really did, and the power dynamic was just so... confusing... so I pushed you away. I ran, I disappeared on a trip for a few days to think about things, to give us space in case... well, in case I had upset you... You were supposed to be told I was just on vacation for a few days... but it sounds like you were told something else... something to split us apart," you explained, looking down at Lucifer who was snuggled back into his old position in your lap. Lucifer nodded as he listened to your explanation. "I came back, and I waited for you to schedule... and you never did. I had no way to check in with you... and I didn't want to overstep in your life by expecting a real connection if I had just misread things, or going to the hotel to ask Charlie, especially because I wasn't supposed to tell anyone... I was just so confused."

Lucifer tightened his fists in his lap, what is it that he had told you that made you so scared? That would make you run but that had also apparently not hurt you. "I'm sorry I made you keep this a secret for so long, I didn't realize how much it was hurting you... both of us... I guess I just let my pride really get in the way, and that was stupid," Lucifer paused, "Whatever I told you that night... was it bad?" Lucifer asked looking up at you.

You took a deep breath, "It's ok, I understood why you wanted it to stay quiet, I never held that against you. And...no, not bad, but it did scare me. I didn't know what to think of it."

"Can... can you tell me what I said?" Lucifer asked with big worried eyes.

You thought for a moment, this was the part you were most scared of at this point. This is where everything could fall apart again. "Can you tell me your side of things first, before I do?"

Lucifer swallowed hard, not liking how you were dodging the question, but he nodded.

"Ok," Lucifer started, "I... was really nervous that day, for a while... I'd been wondering how much of your care was real versus an act. It hadn't felt like it had been fake for... well I mean it really had never felt fake. I remember... I wanted to ask you or tell you something related to that. I had talked to a friends about that earlier in the day..."

"Asmodeus?" you asked.

"Yes! Did I say something about him? About that conversation?" Lucifer asked.

"You said he started dating someone, but not to tell anyone. I never have," you replied.

'Wow, why was that the point I had brought up? I really was out of it,' he thought.

"Well, anyways, he encouraged me to talk to you, but I had a drink to calm myself down because I was so nervous, but one became two, became four became... way too many..." Lucifer continued sheepishly, "And then I couldn't remember the rest of the night, I woke up the next morning with a crazy hangover, trying to jog my memory, and then I got the call from the Lounge. They did tell me that you were on vacation... but then added that "the truth" was that you had put me on your ban list, that you had come back saying you "couldn't take this shit anymore" and that you were a good actor, that you were a heartbreaker, that you would "even break the King's heart if you had the chance".

You gasped and more tears welled up in your eyes, "Lucifer, it's not true! You have to believe me," you hugged Lucifer tightly in your lap, "That's not who I am, yes I can act, but I swear I haven't ever once lied to you!"

Lucifer held your face, "I know."

You stared down at him as tears rolled down your cheeks, "You do?"

He nodded, "I didn't in the moment, when the call happened, but the others did. Husk and Angel. The whole damn hotel sat me down to have an intervention to set me straight. I was still hesitant, but between your reaction now and them... I believe you. You do care about me, you always have."

"Yes, of course I care about you!" you say holding his face with one hand. Lucifer smiled and nuzzled his face into your hand.

"Lucifer, the person you talked to on the phone. Do you remember anything distinct about them? Their voice or the way they talked," you asked earnestly.

Lucifer thought, "I remember it was a feminine voice, very hissy ssssss sounds the entire time they talked."

You saw red, that was all the proof you needed.

"Cynthhhhia," you snarled. Lucifer's eyes widened, he had never seen you mad before.

"Who is Cynthia?" Lucifer asked, an edge in his voice.

"She is the biggest bitch at the Lounge, the girl I always talked about cutting down to size? That's her. She was on phone's that day as a punishment for hurting me the night I ran back to the Lounge," you seethed, "Larry must have stepped away and she must have a had enough time to slip you that lie..."

Lucifer sat up more in your lap, eyes turning red, "You think this Cynthhhhia bitch lied to get us apart? Why?"

"Yes... she always hated that I was getting paired with more "high rollers" as we would call them, well-off powerful people, she hated that I was more popular with customers than her... she must have taken the opportunity to sever our relationship to make me suffer..." you stopped as Lucifer got up from your lap stepping a few feet away from you breathing heavily with his hands balled into tight fists, "Lucifer?"

You watched as the air seemed to shake around him, his wings snapped out from his back and started to flap, his eyes burned with blind rage as this horns and tail erupted from his body, a flame appearing above his head, his claws growing large and sharp. Flame escaped from his mouth as with a demonic voice Lucifer bellowed, "HOW DARE THAT BITCH SEVER YOU FROM ME?! HER LIVE IS FOREFIT. I WILL GRIND HER BODY TO DUST. I WILL BEAT THE AFTERLIFE OUT OF HER. I WILL RIP HER APART WITH MY BARE HANDS AND FEED HER TO THE CANNIBALS. I FASHION HER FLESH INTO BOOTS. I WILL..."

You ran up and wrapped your arms around Lucifer's waist, the air stopped rumbling, his body started to relax, his flames dissipated, and he looked down at you with a softened eyes, still glowing.

"Lucifer please, I'm mad too... but please stay with me. She's not worth the energy! You can turn her into snake jerky boots tomorrow!" You say, clinging to him tightly, "I need you here now..."

Lucifer blinked back to his regular red eyes before letting himself drop back to the ground, wrapping his arms back around you, "I'm sorry, Duckie... I'm just so mad that one lie over a phone call caused so much pain for you and I..." he pulled away a little and cupped your face with one hand, "I just want to make her pay for what she has done to us."

"I do too," you say carding your fingers through his hair, "I'm sure the others would too, I'm looking at you readers, but... how about we ruin her day tomorrow. Ok? Let's not let her ruin this, she's not worth it."

Lucifer hummed into your touch and closed his eyes, allowing himself to revert back to his normal soft appearance, "Ok... on one condition," he said opening his eyes again to look into yours.

"What would that be?" you ask nervously.

"Tell me what it was that I told you. Please?" he asked with bright eyes.

You looked away briefly and then met his gaze again, you felt your face grow hot, "You sure? You're not going to get mad?"

Lucifer gave you a confused smile, "Why would I be mad at you for telling me something I said to you? Just... tell me." Lucifer still held you in a close embrace, looking into your eyes.

You breath deeply, and look down at Lucifer, "You... you told me that you loved me."

Both of your faces turned bright red as you starred at each other in tense silence.

'Are you shitting me? I told her I loved her while I was shit face plastered?! Fuck, ya... ok her reaction makes sense now' Lucifer thought.

"Oh... golly... haha... I can see why that might make you uncomfortable" Lucifer said looking away from you with a nervous laugh.

You look at Lucifer, noticing deep blush running across his pale cheeks, and smiled. You steeled yourself for the next question.

"Did you mean it?" you asked.

Lucifer looked up into your eyes, studying your face. This was the moment he had wanted so many weeks ago, this was how it was supposed to feel. Vulnerable, terrifying, but the only place he ever wanted to be. This was the moment that would change everything, but now, he knew she cared, this would not be the end of everything.

"Yes, (y/n), I love you. I've loved you for months."

You heart swelled with joy to hear him say it this time, and with him being sober and so nervous, all of your worries from the past didn't matter now. You couldn't keep your eyes from welling with tears of joy. You moved your hands up to Lucifer's face to hold his soft cheeks.

Lucifer sat in swirl of emotions as he watched you react to his statement, 'Does she... feel the same?'

"Well..." Lucifer got out, before freezing up, trying to figure out what to say.

You laughed, "I... I love you too, Lucifer."

Lucifer's eyes go wide, taking a moment to process your words, before he moves without thinking, pulling you in closer and pressing his lips against yours.

The kiss sent waves of electricity through both of your bodies. You had kissed a lot of people for work, but nothing had ever felt like this before. You felt gripped by a want to fuck Lucifer in a way you had never wanted to fuck someone before, you ached for him, you ached for only him. In that moment you were ruined for watching to touch another soul ever again. Your tongues explore each other's mouths, passionate and desperate, as if you both relied on the other to breath.

After a few minutes, you both break the kiss, pressing your foreheads together, breathing heavily.

"Fuck..." Lucifer heaved, "That was amazing... You are amazing."

You laugh, tracing a finger down Lucifer's chest, "Just wait til, I get me hands on the rest of you... If you want that... of course."

Lucifer's eye glazed over with pure lust as he looked you over, "Oh, Duckie... I have wanted nothing more than to rip your clothes off and take you to Heaven since the day I met you... but I don't want to be selfish and I feel like I would want to be. I want you to be mine, all mine, only mine," he purred into the skin of your neck. You tip your head back and let your eyes roll back with the pleasure of the sensory.

"Then you can, have me," you say. Lucifer gives you a look.

"I'm all yours, I'll quit the Lounge, move into the hotel like I wanted, and I will be only yours, if you'll have me," your eyes looked with Lucifer's.

He smiled, putting his forehead against yours, "I accept, you will be mine and I will be yours. Tomorrow, we will go down to Lounge, give them your 2 minute notice, and then... we make that little bitch Cynthhhhia rue the day she ever messed with us." Lucifer planted another long passionate kiss on your lips.

"But for now... I get the feeling that we may have some people downstairs that want to see the results of our conversation. What do you say?" Lucifer said, offering you his arm. You smile and take his arm, going out the door and making your way downstairs to the hoops and hollers of your hotel friends, especially when Lucifer kissed you again in front of all of them.

You spent the rest of the night partying and talking with the hotel crew until you grew tired. Then, Lucifer picked you up and took you up to his room in the hotel, where you and Lucifer fell asleep in either others arms again, the way you would every night from then on.

______________________________________________________________

The next morning, you wake up, tightly snuggled against Lucifer's chest, and you look up to see him unabashedly looking down with love filled eyed at you and running his fingers through your hair. He smiled warmly as your eyes met his.

"Good morning~" he cooed as he dipped his head down to kiss your lips. Your bodies moved closer to each other as you kissed, starting to get drunk off of the taste of the other. Your face and chest grew hot and red, until eventually Lucifer broke the kiss you hold your face, staring into each other's dilated eyes. Lucifer was pleased by the love drunk look on your face.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I would take you as a pent up, untouched virgin instead of a seasoned sex worker with the way you're reacting to a simple kiss," Lucifer says smugly, taking in the deep red tone of your cheeks and the glazed look of your eyes.

"Well... I mean... I may have had plenty of physical intimacy... but it's always been for money, survival... this, however~" you says as you pull him in for another deep, desperate kiss, hand running down the side of his body before stopping on his thigh, releasing him from the kiss while keeping your lips as close to his as possible without touching. "This is something completely different entirely... unbridled desire like I've never felt in life or death... and I'm famished," you whisper.

Lucifer swallowed hard, blinking hard as his own face burned red and he felt himself get more dizzy and love drunk on your words. "Fuck... oh, Duckie... I want to do... so... many... sinful things to you. I have for months... but I do think we should prioritize taking care of your status at the Lounge... and that bitch... Because I don't know about you, but..." Lucifer rolls on top of you, pinning you to the bed, lowering his head to be next to your ear, "when I finally get to fuck you... I want you to be mine. Only... mine... Don't you agree, my Apple?" he planned a soft kiss on your neck.

You're breathing was ragged, your heart pounded in your chest, you had never been so turned on in your life. You couldn't even speak, all you could do was nod.

Lucifer looked down at you, committing the image of your body beneath him to memory before sighing, chuckling a little, giving you a kiss on both checks and then on the lips before getting off of your and getting up to start getting dressed.

You had to take a minute to let yourself breath for a minute before getting up. Lucifer smuggly looked at you over his shoulder as he buttoned up his vest, "You doing ok over their~?" he cooed.

"Shut up," you say playfully. 'Fuckkkkkk', you thought, how was this the same man that wanted to be dominated so desperately the first night you met? Should have known he was a bratty switch. He was really proving his status as the Sin of Pride with that smug ass attitude this morning, and goooooodddd was it hot.

Eventually you did get out of bed and got dressed for the day, Lucifer giving you a longing look as you did. Before long, it was time for you and Lucifer to head to the Lounge, together. Others from the hotel had learned about the reason for the miscommunication and lack of contact with you during the celebration the night before and many people wanted to come with to watch the confrontation unfold. So soon, you, Lucifer, Charlie, Angel, Cherri, Niffty, and even Alastor, much to Lucifer's dismay, were ready to make your way out to the Entertainment District. Husk and Vaggie also wanted to go, but someone needed to stay behind and man the hotel, so they just asked for a play by play of the events when everyone returned.

"Ready everyone?" Lucifer called out before tapping his cane on the ground, opening a portal right in front of the Lounge. Lucifer offered you his arm, which you took before stepping out of the portal onto the street in front of your place of work, followed by all of your friends. Immediately upon stepping out onto the street, onlookers started to look, whispers, point, and take pictures as they saw the King with you on his arm, followed by the Princess, a famous Porn Star, and the Radio Demon, with Niffty and Cherri tagging along.

Lucifer opened the door to the Lounge and walked in, striding up to the front counter with you on his arm. Larry turned around to greet the new customers just to find himself facing the King of Hell and company.

"Y-your highness, with (y/n), and the Princess, Angel, t-the Radio Demon, and... uhhh," Larry stopped looking down at Niffty.

"Hi! I'm Niffty!" Niffty gave a sharp smile while waving a knife in her hand. "And I'm Cherri Bomb," she added.

Larry blinked looking at Niffty before looking back up at Lucifer, "Right... uhh... Your Majesty," he bowed, realizing the should have done that the first time. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? And with one of my girls," he said shooting you a quick 'What the hell is happening here?!' look.

"Haha, well! You must be Larry! Let me introduce myself to you my fine man. Hi," Lucifer says extending his hand to Larry, "I'm Lance", Lucifer said, darkening his eyes.

"Oh!" Larry said shaking his hand before the realization kicked in, "Oh..." he looked at you, then Lucifer, back to you, then back at Lucifer, "OOohhhhhhh...." Larry let go of Lucifer's hand, his body starting to shake a little.

Lucifer smirked and wrapped an arm around you, "We were wanting to talk to you able a... troubling customer service issue that miss (y/n) and I experienced a few weeks ago that interrupted my services with her... if you have the time that is..." Lucifer said with as smile in his face that did not reach his rage filled eyes.

Larry panicked, "Uh.. uhh yes! Of course! Uhhh... would you like to come back to my office or..."

"Oh, no, my good sir, out here is just fine," continuing his sharp smile, looking out at the sea of girls and customers watching the interaction with growing interest.

"O-Ok, ya sure," Larry clears his throat, "So, uhh... what seems to be the issue?"

"Well... you see... your associate here and I had not scheduled any appointments for the last few weeks due to a... concerning miscommunication issue. You see, while this one was out on her much deserved vacation, I was called and told that she was out for a few days... but then they corrected themself and told me I was banned from scheduling with her again... but that I was free to utilize the services of other girls," Lucifer said distain slowly slipping into his voice, his smile starting to strain.

Larry's expression changed from fear to frustration, "Oh... that is troubling, I can confirm that (y/n) did not express any desire to ban you, sir. I apologize... I had no idea that happened... You... wouldn't happen to know who it was that you talked to that day, would you?"

"I didn't catch a name, but it was someone with a feminine voice and elongated "S"s.... kinda... serpentine sounding. You... wouldn't happen to know of anyone on your staff that would fit that description... would you?" Lucifer said, his smile now fully flat with half opened, unenthused eyes.

Larry balled his hands into fits, "As a matter of fact, your highness... I do... I'll... be... right back..." Larry made his way to the back to find the girl that matched the description, the sea of people parting as he lumbered through.

Lucifer looked up at you and winked, "Showtime" he mouthed to you. You smiled back at him as you started to hear the familiar screams of Cynthhhhia as Larry dragged her up to the front lobby, tossing her on the floor in front of Lucifer and you.

"AAHHHHH!!! Larry what the fuck! I wasssss in the the middle of a sssssession! What's the big ide-" Cynthhhhia finally looked up to Lucifer and you standing in front of her, glaring down at her, with his arm around your waist at his side. "Ohhhhh! Y-your highness, itssssss and honor, w-wha-what is thisssss all about?" She tried to smile at him, here eyes darting to you and to the others watching around the room.

"Apparently, a few weeks ago, you had a little of a communication issue with Mr. Morningstar here, or should I say... Mr. Lance... Care to explain, Cynthhhhia?" Larry hissed through clenched teeth.

"Lance, wha-" Cynthhhhia finally remembered, she now looked at you, then Lucifer, back to you, then him. Then she looked back at Larry, then around the room, to Charlie and Angel, then back to Lucifer. In that moment, she didn't not understand how this happened, but she knew she was absolutely fucked.

"Well... I feel like you already know... but I'll just ssssay it. I lied, I lied to Lanc-Lucifer... about (y/n)'sssss vacation, I had no one around ssssso I told him he had been banned, he didn't ask any questionsssss and didn't try sssssscheduling another appointment... Ssssso I reported that I had called and that he would call back to ressssschedule... I thought I was in the clear..." Cynthhhhia said looking at the ground, then looked up again, "I guess there were sssssome factorsssss that I didn't not account for.."

"Ya! Like us!" Angel added.

"Like her developing friendships and bonds during her time with my dad that cared to ask why she was not around anymore, and we figured out that these two had two very different understandings of why they were not able to see the other," Charlie said with a triumphant smile, gesturing to her dad and you.

"Cynthhhhia, why would you do this?" Larry asked coldly.

Cynthhhhia hissed, "For the same reason as alwaysssss, I hated her sssssuccesssss! I saw a chanccccce and I took it. The real question issss, why did you all care sssssso much. She's is just a ssssstupid, ssssselfish, fake, whore!"

In an instant, Lucifer's demon form emerged, horns, wings, red eyes, tail and all, and he flicked his sharp tail to her neck, lifting her head to meet his gaze, "Because my dear, ssssssweet, idiot," he spat, "She is actually none of those things. She is the kindest, sweetest, warmest, most loving, and selfless woman I have ever met, and because of that... I fell in love with her."

The room gasped, including Cynthhhhia and Larry. "You're little stunt simply caused us to be apart before we could talk it out. Thanks to my daughter, we figured it out, we figured you out. So now... my question for both of you is... how do we rectify this.. little problem? This certainly caused myself and my love much grief over the last few weeks, and it sounds like this putrid snake was causing my dear problems long before that at this establishment... and I simply cannot let that stand," Lucifer said, starring daggers into Cynthhhhia's soul.

"Well uhhh... as far as I can control... Cynthhhhia is fired from my establishment and will be backlisted from every brothel and porn studio in the Pride Circle effect of immediately, she will be kicked out of housing with us, and I will turn a blind idea to anything that becomes of her outside of this establishment... Does that seem fair?" Larry asked. Cynthhhhia seethed on the ground.

Lucifer smiled, "A good start but not enough, there is more I will require, and I have a list of demands."

Larry shifted uncomfortably, "Of course your highness, what would those be?"

Lucifer looked at you and smiled, "I request the release of (y/n) from her work contract here, as well as her housing contract," Lucifer looked back at Larry, "She will not be needing to be here anymore now that she is with me."

Larry made a displeased face, and looked at you "Is this what you want Babydoll?"

You nodded, "It has nothing to do with you, Larry, you have been good to me..." you look to Lucifer and the others, "I just finally found where I belong... and I need to see where this goes."

Larry nodded, "Consider it done. I'll miss you, kid."

Lucifer nodded, "Well..." he clapped his hands, " I guess we are done here then! Duckie, I will have your stuff taken out of your old room and moved to the hotel. As for you," Lucifer said looking down at Cynthhhhia, who was on the floor trying to crawl away, but froze in place when addressed, "We are not quiet through with you." Lucifer wrapped his tail around her waist and pulled her along as he walk out the door, followed by the other hotel crew and some interested patrons and girls.

Cynthhhhia screamed as she was dragged and tossed out onto the street in front of Lucifer and the others.

Lucifer looked to you with a slight bow, gesturing towards Cynthhhhia, "My darling, would you like to do the honors?" he purred.

You shrugged, "I don't really wanna touch her, but I'll start her off," you say stretching your arms as you walked towards her.

Cynthhhhia cowered and pleaded with you, you wound up your arm and slugged Cynthhhhia in the face, sending her flying back several feet. You were met with a crowd of cheers and yelps, Lucifer nodded approvingly at your punch. Lucifer next rolled up his sleeves and pummeled her into the ground a few dozen times before getting up staying he had enough. Cynthhhhia was still conscious, but barely.

Lucifer then offered the chance up to the rest of the crew. Niffty ran up and gave her a few quick stabs, then to your surprise, Alastor stepped forward with a sinister grin on his face. You and Lucifer gave each other a confused look, then looked back at him.

"Now Cynthhhhia, darling, as much as I enjoyed seeing how much torment your little stunt caused, I do say I that I am not very fond of how it impacted the overall morale of the hotel, and I simply cannot have that," Alastor said as his horns and body started to grow larger and more sinister, his face turning more into the radio face you had seen it become before in battle. "I'm sorry, my dear, but I'm going to need to make an example out of you, to show everyone what happened when you mess with the Hazbin Hotel and it's residents. And besides! ...my radio broadcast has been in need of some new screams!" Alastor laughed maniacally before engulfing Cynthhhhia in his mystical black tentacles and carried her off to be ripped apart and have her screams added to his collect on his broadcast.

You and the other's starred off after Alastor in horror as he took of with Cynthhhhia. "Wow..." you said, "That uhhh... that was not the ending to her I expected. But I'll take it!" You smiled looking at Lucifer who smiled and rolled his eyes. He then grabbed your waist, pulling you into a dip and kissed you deeply for all of Hell to see.

"Come on," he said breaking from the kiss, "Lets get you home."

Home.

You liked the sound of that.

______________________________________________________________

One last chapter I think! And IT.WILL.HAVE.SMUT. xoxo, dany As usual, leave a comment if you want added to the taglist so that you can get notifications when future chapters drop! xoxo, dany (OMG there are so many of you!😍 Please let me know if the tag isn't working for you) Taglist :(red names are not tagging for some reason 😢) @froggybich @wonderlandangelsposts @glowinthedarkbones1150 @marydragneell @crescent-z @superdinosaurnacho @jam0001 @kyo-kyo1 @so-get-this-sammy @lilzebeth @kelppsstuff @loquacious-libra @pinkhoneydrop @luleck @writer-girl99 @lavenz @stormz369 @littleladydemon @soujiswife @melday0105 @luluxx118 @sseleniaa @futureittomainn @cktkat @zaneyyyy @uravitsy @liecoris @starlitvenus @hannahrose130 @elleofdragons @butch-medusae @concentratedconcrete @erosamasan @stranger-chan @aquaamethyst96 @lxkeee @holyspacething @hulyenl @leximus98 @lu-ferri12 @mixplara @katnisspeetaprim @rebecca-hvnstn @roboticsuccubus83 @nekemewlita @femboyfatalle @thelethex @cryptidghostgirl @snowlotr @bangchansdirty-slut @glowymxxn @mcueveryday @hotvillianapologist @oneiric-rotaerc @wolfdaddyalphasworld @sleepypottersworld @wisterialagoon @theredviolets @theperfectmangovoid @lemonmoonmochi @sapphireravensworld @ezi0724 @undertalephanjackandmark-blog

[nephalem-da]

HELLOOOOOOOOOO

I COME WITH A REQUEST.

Can you please write an Bill Cipher x GN! reader, where reader is just insanely tired of his antics and his behaviour and just lashes out at him? (love me some angst, especially for triangle..)

Like, they come home and he's just trashed their house or messes with personal/memorable stuff or brings weird objects in the house to torture them? (maybe he makes bugs randomly appear in rooms for no good reason or he sets the kitchen table on fire and makes all the water disappear) and they are just fed up.

So they come home one day and there he is again, as usual. And obviously, it's Bill Cipher (their partner), so he's going to act like it's completely normal or even appropriate so he just doesn't care about anything, but on this day they've had enough. So they start yelling and screaming out of frustration, yelling at him at how 'annoying' and 'horrific' he is and how 'he only has an existence in being an asshole' and just making comments about how tired they are of him..

And he just sits back, shocked. He's not really one to care or even be shocked at something, (especially something along these lines) so to see them just cry out of frustration and get so angry because of him? Oh he'd fucking freak out. Like, he's just gone pale, blank, he's silent while they're just pouring their soul out the open wound where their heart should've rested.

After all the screaming/yelling/crying, they throw their things to the floor (maybe some glasses for more angsty stuff, hehe) they storm to their room and lock their door, and Bill's just... motionless. He takes a moment to think over how he's acted and how they've been visibly more angry/depressed over the past couple weeks (especially around him) and he just breaks down.

Cue to him, crying (I don't even know if he can, please forgive me, but I need to make him sob) and he's frantically banging at the door and crying while mumbling something that sounds like apologies(??) and trying to get in.

After a few minutes of their silence from the other side, he just teleports into their room and tries to reconcile with them but after a few nudges and pleads, they stand up and scream at him, tears running down their face as they talk about how badly he's been treating them and so on, (he doesn't fail to notice their shaking hands, the heavy choked breaths when they try to calm themselves to keep talking, their posture and how their muscles ached as they moved) and he just has to sit there and listen while he breaks down at the sight.

(OH- AND ALSO AT THE END THEY GO BACK TO BEING HAPPY AND WORK THINGS OUT, ALBEIT A BIT SLOWER ON READERS SIDE BUT IT ALL WORKS OUT, AND YAY!! HAPPY TIMES AT THE ENDD :3)

I'm so sorry if this is a huge burden or anything but I'm obsessed with how you write and I'm a big fan,, keep doing what you do!! I will be here to read your works, :D HAVE A LOVELY DAYYYYYY

Breaking Point

(Bill Cipher x GN!Reader)

Thank you so much for the kind words!! (o_ _)ﾉ彡☆ I might've teared up a little while writing this hehe

This fic is a little lengthy than the others how I usually write. But I want ya'll to feel the raw emotion of pure anger and sadness from the reader, and the panic from Bill. ヾ( ￣O￣)ツ

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Drama

Warning: Emotional Outbursts, Depiction of Verbal Conflict, Reader experiencing high levels of frustration and stress, Brief mention of destruction (fire, water disappearing, bugs appearing), Bill Cipher struggling with remorse and regret, Themes of toxic behavior in a relationship.

Summary: After reaching your limit with Bill Cipher's chaotic behavior, you snap and confront him, leaving Bill stunned and remorseful. Now, both of you must navigate through an emotional journey of healing and reconciliation.

The door creaked as you stepped into the house, the familiar weight of exhaustion pressing against your bones. Work had drained you, life had drained you, and now all you wanted was to come home to some peace. But of course, there was no peace where Bill Cipher was concerned.

Your nostrils flared as the scent of smoke hit you before anything else. The kitchen table was scorched, a blackened mess, and small embers still smoldered in the corners. Water pooled around your feet from where the sink should’ve been, now bone-dry despite the mess. Your gaze darted across the room, scanning for more disasters, and—unsurprisingly—you spotted bugs skittering across the walls and floors. Spiders, centipedes, beetles. All manner of crawling things making themselves at home in what was once your sanctuary.

And then there he was.

Bill Cipher. Floating lazily above the chaos with a smug grin plastered across his face, looking so utterly proud of his handiwork. His golden glow practically mocked you, making everything feel more twisted than it already was. You wanted to cry, scream—something—but the exhaustion in your limbs wouldn’t even let you feel anything. Not yet.

“Heya, kiddo! You’re back earlier than I thought! Guess you’re lucky—you get to witness all the ‘improvements’ I made to the place in real-time!” His voice was sing-songy, obnoxious, as if setting your house on fire and filling it with bugs was some sort of quirky joke.

You dropped your bag to the floor with a heavy thud. “Improvements?” you asked, your voice hollow. “You set the kitchen on fire.”

He spun in a lazy circle. “Oh, that? Pfft, it’ll go out eventually! You know, fire’s just nature’s way of cleaning up! No big deal, kid. You humans get so worked up about the little things.”

“Little things?” Your voice trembled as you repeated his words. “My house is a wreck, Bill.”

His eye rolled dramatically. “It’s just a house. You live here, what? 80, maybe 90 years? Tops? Come on, I’ve seen the multiverse���this is nothing! A little fire, a little infestation… it’s all temporary!” He waved his hand, making a centipede crawl up the wall behind him like it was nothing. Like you should just accept this madness.

Something inside you snapped.

Maybe it was the months of putting up with his antics, the countless moments of chaos that you tried to brush aside because, well, it was Bill. Maybe it was the sleepless nights, the days where he would whisk you into the Mindscape without warning, messing with your head until you couldn’t tell if you were dreaming or awake. Or maybe it was just this day—this awful, grueling day, where you came home hoping for some semblance of normalcy only to find more destruction.

Whatever it was, you’d hit your breaking point.

“No,” you said, your voice starting soft but trembling with barely-contained fury. “It’s not nothing, Bill. It’s not just a little fire, or a few bugs, or some weird object you brought into my life to mess with me.”

Bill raised an eyebrow. “Uh, okay? You’re acting like this is a big deal—”

“Because it is a big deal!” The words exploded from you, your voice rising into a full-on scream. “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!”

Your voice echoed off the walls, loud enough to make Bill pause in mid-air. His expression shifted, his eye narrowing in what looked like confusion. “Whoa, calm down there, kid. No need to get all dramatic—”

“Dramatic?” You felt the surge of frustration and exhaustion hit you all at once. “You think I’m being dramatic? You set the kitchen on fire, Bill! You fill the house with bugs, you mess with my things, you bring chaos into every single moment of my life like it’s a joke, and you think I’m being dramatic?!”

He floated closer, but you shoved past him, your heart hammering in your chest. “I’m tired, Bill! I am so tired of you making my life hell! You don’t care about me—you never have! You only care about yourself, about causing chaos, about proving how powerful you are while you tear my life apart!”

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Bill said, his voice wavering slightly. But you weren’t stopping. Not now. Not when everything you’d held back for weeks, months, was finally coming out.

“You’re not fair!” you yelled, your voice cracking. “I’m so sick of cleaning up after you, of pretending that it’s okay for you to ruin everything I care about! You think it’s funny to mess with me, to make my life miserable? It’s not! It’s—”

Your voice caught in your throat as the sobs you’d been holding in for too long finally broke free. “It’s not fair, Bill. It’s just… not fair.”

For the first time since you’d known him, Bill Cipher was silent.

He just hovered there, his triangular form still, his single eye wide and blinking rapidly as if he couldn’t quite process what was happening. He’d seen you angry before, annoyed even—but this? This was different. This was raw. You were breaking down right in front of him, and he didn’t know what to do.

You wiped at your eyes, your breath coming in ragged, shaky bursts as the last of your strength crumbled beneath the weight of everything. You looked at him, your voice barely more than a whisper. “I can’t keep doing this.”

Then, with a trembling hand, you threw your things to the floor—your bag, your keys, the glasses you’d been holding. The sound of shattering glass echoed through the room, but you didn’t even care. You turned away from him, storming to your bedroom and slamming the door shut behind you. The lock clicked into place, sealing you in the only place left where you could hide from him.

For a moment, there was silence.

But then came the knock. Soft at first, barely audible. Then louder. “Hey uh... Y/N?” His voice was shaky, unsure, and for the first time since you’d met him, you could hear something like fear in it. “Come on, open the door…”

You didn’t respond. You couldn’t.

“I… I didn’t mean for it to get this bad. I was just… I thought we were having fun? You know, me messing around a little… spicing things up!” His voice wavered again, growing more frantic. “Just… open the door. Please?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, okay?” His voice cracked. “I didn’t think it was that bad. I didn’t… I didn’t realize…”

Still, you didn’t move. Your body felt heavy, drained. You didn’t have the energy to answer him, not after everything that had just happened. The silence from your side must have been too much for him, because after a few moments, you heard that familiar soft pop and felt the air shift.

Bill teleported into your room, appearing right beside you.

He hovered there for a moment, unsure of himself, his usual arrogance nowhere to be seen. “Y/N…” His voice was softer now, almost tentative. He reached out a hand toward you, but you pulled away, still too raw, too hurt.

“I don’t want to hear it,” you said, your voice low and thick with emotion. “I’m tired, Bill. I’m tired of you, of this, of everything. You don’t care about me. You only care about yourself.”

He flinched, his entire form flickering as if your words had struck him physically. “That’s not true,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I do care. I just… I don’t know how to stop. This is who I am.”

You stood up, your body shaking as the anger and frustration surged through you once again. “No, Bill. This is who you choose to be. You choose to hurt me. You choose to make me miserable, and I can’t take it anymore.” Tears welled up in your eyes again, blurring your vision. “I can’t keep being the person who puts up with this.”

His eye widened, and for the first time, you saw genuine fear there. “I can change,” he said quickly, desperately. “I can stop, I swear! No more fires, no more bugs, no more chaos! Just… don’t leave me.”

You turned to face him fully, tears streaming down your cheeks. “Why should I believe you?”

He blinked, his form trembling. “Because…” His voice cracked again, and for a moment, he was silent. Then, he dropped lower, sinking to the floor as if bowing before you. “Because I love you.”

Your breath hitched in your throat. The words hung in the air between you, heavy and fragile.

Bill Cipher, the embodiment of chaos, destruction, and madness… was on the floor, broken and pleading.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he whispered, his voice raw. “I thought I was just… being me. But I see it now. I see what I’ve done to you.” His eye glistened with something you’d never seen before—tears. Real, honest tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Your heart clenched at the sight of him—Bill Cipher, the all-powerful, indestructible entity you’d grown so used to, now reduced to this broken, fragile figure. You wanted to believe him. You wanted to believe that he could change, that this was the turning point. But you couldn’t deny the gnawing ache in your chest, the voice in the back of your mind reminding you of all the chaos, all the hurt.

“I don’t know if I can trust you,” you said, your voice shaking. “You’ve said things like this before, Bill. You’ve promised to dial it back, to stop messing with me, but you never do. You always go back to your old ways, and I—”

Your voice cracked, the weight of everything too much to bear. “I can’t keep going through this. It hurts too much.”

Bill flinched again, his whole form flickering as if he might disappear at any moment. “I know,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “I know I’ve messed up—over and over again. I’ve pushed you too far. I’ve made you cry, made you scream, and I never thought about how it was affecting you.” He paused, his eye locking onto yours, his voice trembling with emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you, Y/N. I thought… I thought we were having fun. But I see now that I was wrong.”

You swallowed hard, your throat tight with emotion. His words felt sincere, but the pain was still fresh. “You always think it’s fun,” you said quietly. “But it’s not fun for me. I’ve been hurting for so long, Bill. Every day, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, waiting for the next disaster. I can’t live like that.”

Bill floated closer to you, his glow dimming. “I don’t want you to live like that anymore,” he said softly. “I don’t want to be the reason you’re miserable. I’ll change, Y/N. I’ll stop. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” His voice cracked again, and he hovered just inches from you, his single eye glistening with tears. “Please, don’t leave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

You closed your eyes, your heart heavy with conflicting emotions. You wanted to believe him, to hold onto the hope that he could really change. But you were scared. Scared that this was just another empty promise, another cycle of chaos waiting to happen.

“I need time,” you whispered, your voice barely audible. “I need time to think. To figure out if I can keep doing this.”

Bill’s form flickered again, his eye wide with panic. “Time? But… what if you decide you don’t want me anymore?”

Your chest tightened at the raw fear in his voice. You’d never seen him like this—vulnerable, desperate, clinging to you like you were his only lifeline. “I don’t know, Bill,” you said softly. “I don’t know what I’ll decide. But I can’t just forgive everything right now. I need space.”

Bill stared at you for a long moment, his eye searching yours, before he slowly nodded. “Okay,” he said, his voice small. “Okay. I’ll give you space. Just… please, don’t shut me out completely. Let me prove that I can be better.”

You took a shaky breath and nodded. “I won’t shut you out. But I need you to respect what I’m asking for. No more chaos. No more tricks. No more pushing me to my limit.”

He blinked, his form flickering once more as he processed your words. Then, with a small, sad smile, he nodded. “You’ve got it, kid. No more tricks. No more chaos. I’ll… I’ll be good.” He tried to sound upbeat, but the strain in his voice was evident.

You watched as he floated back a bit, his usual cocky posture gone. He looked small, almost lost, and it tugged at something deep inside you. Despite everything, despite all the pain he’d caused, you couldn’t help but feel for him.

“Bill…” you began, your voice softening. He looked up at you, hope flickering in his eye. “I do love you,” you admitted, your voice wavering. “But this… this isn’t healthy. We both need to work on this. If you really care about me, you’ll prove it. Not with words, but with actions.”

He floated closer again, his eye wide and solemn. “I will, Y/N. I swear. I’ll show you that I’m serious. I won’t mess this up again.”

You nodded, feeling a small weight lift from your chest. “Okay.”

There was a long, heavy silence between the two of you, the air thick with tension and the lingering emotions of the night. But for the first time in a long while, there was also something else—a sliver of hope. It was fragile, but it was there.

Bill hovered in place for a few more moments before he slowly floated toward the door. He paused just before leaving, turning back to you with a soft, almost shy smile. “I’ll let you rest. But… I’ll be around. If you need me.”

You nodded again, and with that, he disappeared with a soft pop, leaving you alone in the quiet of your room.

You exhaled deeply, your body sagging with the weight of the night’s emotions. It wasn’t over—not by a long shot—but there was a chance. A chance that things could get better, that Bill could change. It would take time, and you’d need to see real progress, but for the first time, you felt like he truly understood the gravity of his actions.

It would take work. It would take patience. But maybe, just maybe, things could heal.

The days passed slowly after that. Bill kept his distance, honoring your request for space. You still saw him, floating around the house or popping in to check on you, but he was different now. Calmer. Quieter. He didn’t wreak havoc or bring chaos into your life anymore. Instead, he seemed to go out of his way to make things easier for you.

He fixed the scorched kitchen, repaired the broken table, and even got rid of the bugs without so much as a snarky comment. It was strange at first—seeing him so subdued—but it also gave you hope.

You weren’t ready to forgive him completely, not yet. But you were willing to give him a chance.

One night, as you sat in the living room, you heard the familiar pop of Bill teleporting in. You looked up to see him hovering nearby, holding something in his hands—or rather, what looked like a bouquet of floating, glowing flowers. They shimmered in the dim light, casting soft shadows on the walls.

“I, uh, brought these for you,” he said awkwardly, floating closer. “I know they’re not your typical flowers, but I thought… you might like them.”

You stared at the glowing bouquet for a moment before a small smile tugged at your lips. “Thanks, Bill,” you said softly, accepting the flowers.

He smiled back, that familiar spark of mischief in his eye, but this time it wasn’t overwhelming. It wasn’t destructive. It was… soft.

And as you looked at him, at the effort he was putting in, you felt the tiniest flicker of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, things would work out.

I love me some vulnerable Bill hehe (￣ε￣＠) Anyways! Hope you guys enjoyed it! ^^

[paleprincessturtle]

Always Somewhere

Sooooo, this one isn't my usual Harvey Specter fic. I've known F1 for ages (my fiance is a diehard petrolhead and an F1 huge fan, so I've heard about it here and there). But with all the media coverage, I've been exposed to the world of F1 more than usual lately. And I've had this idea in my mind for a couple of weeks now, so why not post about it?

This is definitely going to be a mini-series. Forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you guys enjoy this!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pairing: Max Verstappen x Reader (for now🤭)

Word count: 1.6K

DECEMBER 2021

It was a little over 9 pm when Max made the urgent call to Charles. Being alone in his apartment, Charles told him to come to his place. He wouldn’t say that Max was his best friend, but they always had that chemistry going on between them, also the urgency in Max’s voice, Charles couldn’t lie that he got quite worried. Even when his nickname was Mad Max, he never really let his emotions get the best of him outside of the racing world. Charles always saw him as a very poised man, against all odds.

The ding to Charles’ apartment startled him. When he opened the door for Max, he was surprised. Max looked... disheveled. The black circle under his eyes, the unshaved stubble. Max smiled weakly as he raised a bottle of wine. Max sat quietly on the couch as Charles disappeared with the wine bottle. He carried two glasses of wine and managed to also hold the bottle in his right hand. As Charles sat across from him, Max sighed. That deep long sigh that was laden with something heavy. It was silent for a couple of seconds before Charles broke the silence. “Are you okay?” Max didn’t look at him right away; his gaze fell upon the white fuzzy carpet under the table, then to the stacks of magazines on the table, to the wine glasses, to the withering flowers in the vase. Everywhere but Charles’ eyes. Max sighed again, and what after felt like an eternity, finally he met Charles’ gaze. “I feel like total shit,” Charles commented with a small laugh. “No shit.” Max snickered at Charles’ response. Max also felt the same way about their friendship. But Max knew Charles understood. Not to mention they live only a few minutes drive away. Desperate times called for desperate measures, Max thought. “I couldn’t sleep. When I slept, it was full of nightmares,” Max paused, Charles nodded and encouraged him to continue. “The burden of everything...” he trailed off; both his hands found their way to his face, and he groaned. Charles looked at him with full sympathy. He put a gentle hand on Max’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I can’t help much. But you know, if you are open to suggestions,” Charles threaded carefully as Max looked at him. “I know a therapist, a psychologist; she can help. She’s like the best one I know.” Again, Charles looked at him carefully. Afraid that Max took it as an offense at the prospect that he needed professional help. “You are seeing this psychologist?” Charles shook his head. “No. But I’ve known her since I was a kid.”

So that night, Max saved the number of said psychologist, just in case he wanted to go see her. The rest of the night went smoothly, transforming the depressing topic into a lighter one. Max laid on his sofa, Sassy sprawled across his chest. His finger hovered over the number he had just saved the previous few nights. Max won’t even deny it. There was some pride in him that he just couldn’t admit that he needed to talk. Of all the things he could do, he needed to talk. Just talk. But the past few nights had been horrible. “Fuck it,” he mumbled to the empty house as he pressed the number. A chirpy voice in French greeted him, and he awkwardly chuckled before saying that his fluency still needed some finesse to it. “Yes, I would like to set an appointment.” Max waited, sat straight up now. It was nerve-wracking, he thought. He listened (not so) patiently and nodded, “Just as soon as I can.” The chirpy voice came to a halt once again: “Okay, Mr. Verstappen. I can schedule you today at 6 pm. Would that be okay?”

It was 5.45 pm when Max arrived at the building. He sat there in his car, in complete silence. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He could just say he suddenly got sick and bailed out of it. Max was not one to pour his heart out. He sighed as he rubbed his eyes. He closed his eyes and leaned back. He took a steady breath. He needed this. He needed to get better for the upcoming season.

As he waited for the elevator to go up, he couldn’t help but marvel at the lavishness of the building. This psychologist must have made a lot to be able to rent a place like this. As the elevator came to a halt, Max took some cautious steps. He again was greeted by the same chirpy voice he heard on the phone just a few hours before. “Good evening, Mr. Verstappen.” She was greeted with a warm smile. Max stopped at the reception table and nodded his greeting. “Mr. Verstappen, there are some forms that need to be filled just before you proceed with your evening here,” she handed him a transparent clipboard and a pen.

Max then entered the psychologist's room. He pushed the heavy door and was greeted with a woody smell. The room was big with a ceiling-to-floor glass window overlooking the dark Mediterranean Sea. A woman, he bet wasn’t even older than him, turned to him as she heard the door being pushed open. She was beautiful, Max admitted. Not models kind of beautiful but like normal kind of beautiful. Her hair was long and wavy. She dressed in a tan sweater and navy pencil skirt just shy around her knees. Her high heels clacked over the marble floor as she approached Max. “You must be Max Verstappen; it's a pleasure to meet you,” she offered her hand and smiled at him. Her name dripped out of her mouth like honey. “You can call me Max.” Max sat down on the single-seater leather sofa just across from her. “Okay, Max. So how are you today?”

To his surprise, the conversation went smoothly. He didn’t feel like he was under the scrutiny or anything. He talked about his father, the burden of this year’s WDC, the nightmares, and the feeling that he had never done anything good enough. Everything. Before he knew it, their session was over. Max held himself from whining when she informed her that they had finished their session. “You should think about our conversation,” she said, looking at him thoughtfully, legs crossed. Max mused, deep in thought, then nodded. “We can continue this next week, yes?” She smiled at him before writing something down in her notebook. “Next week? That’s like so long,” Max's brows knitted. She laughed, and he found himself smiling at the sound. “You need to think about what we talked about today, Max. And not that I discredited your ability to think about it, but this type of thing takes time. Okay?”

FEBRUARY 2022

What Max only planned as one session turned into 5, and 5 turned into 20. It wasn’t always face-to-face sessions. Sometimes Max needed out of the country multiple times, so they continued via video calls. Sometimes, Max asked for more than one meeting per week. And she obliged as she deemed necessary. But on this 20th meeting, they met again in her office. After an hour passed, she put down her glasses on the side table. “Max, it is with great joy that I inform you that this is your last session with me,” she smiled brightly at him. Max was flabbergasted, to say the least. “What do you mean the last? I still need you." She smiled at him, full of understanding. “Max, let me ask you something. Say that you go see a doctor for a headache; the doctor prescribed you some ibuprofen. Upon deeper investigation, it happened that you have poor sleep hygiene, and you never ate on time. That is what caused you persistent headaches. While fixing your sleeping and eating schedule, you keep taking ibuprofen. But once you can maintain a good sleeping and eating schedule, the headaches vanish. Do you think you would still need to take the ibuprofen?” Max slowly shook his head. “Why?” she asked again. “Because the core of the problem is handled.” He answered but his voice was smaller than usual. “Exactly,” she smiled and watched him. “You don’t look happy,” she observed. “How if I can’t do it without you?” she gave him a warm smile and a gentle, brief squeeze on his hand. “It’s you that has been doing it all this time, Max. Not me. You did it all just before the season started. Wasn’t that your goal? You should be proud of yourself as much as I you.” Max nodded at her answer, feeling defeated. “You should be glad. Cheer up, Max! You don’t have to keep paying me now,” she tried to lighten up the situation with a joke. Max chuckled, “Money is not the problem.” She looked deep into his eyes. “I know.” They stayed like that for a couple of seconds until an idea crossed Max’s mind. “But we can be friends, right? You’re friends with Charles, and I’m also friends with Charles.” He looked at her, eyes full of hope. “We can’t be involved in any relationship at least until 2 years from today,” Max’s jaw dropped. “Said who?” he quipped. “Said the code of ethics,” she chuckled. “I’m also moving to Cambridge; I’m taking my doctorate.” She blushed as she shared the information; she was never really one to share with her client, even on the last termination session. Max beamed over the news, “Oh, I’m so glad to hear that! I hope England will treat you well.”

As Max waited for the elevator to bring him down, he realized he wasn’t that thrilled about the news that she was going to continue her doctorate, nor at the news that they couldn’t be in any relationship for the next 2 years. Something tugged at his heart. He was going to miss her.

[whalyrae]

DANCE WITH ME - CHAPTER 7

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”

Summary : All your life, you thought you were a beta, a simple and boring beta. Until everything change. But now that you've presented yourself as an omega, how will you manage to live and hide it from your six friends and best friend, all alphas and all in the same pack? (a/n : I'm a shit for summary I'm so sorry-)

Genre : soulmate au (of course I'm a bitch for this), omegaverse, bangtan alphas au!, omega reader, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 5k

Warnings : the usual one I guess, like smut, angst, fluff (yeah its a warning for some people ) mention of depression, abusive parents (physically and morally), violence and blood, PTSD, scars, self harm,…

Tag list : @ghostlyworld @kawaiikpoplover268 @scuzmunkie @iamkookiesforyou @00ihatesnaku @stellauniverse @akemiixx01 @aceofcards05 @strxwbloody @seoul9711 @amara-mars @alex-walker-86 @yoongicatcat @xicanacorpse @maciesmess 

A/N : It took me more time than I thought to write this sorry (again ;-;) dealing with mental health issues is shit really I wish I was strong and courageous like my characters LMAO. So as an apology, this chapter is a little longer than usual :D Hope you'll like it !

I'll never thank u enough for all the likes and shares despite the looong time I take to write and publish the next chapters ;w; that's my only motivation to keep writing the story tbh...! (I have severe impostor syndrome yes...... ^^) so thank you again !! Don't hesitate to let a comment here, or in my inbox !! ♥

Also I made a playlist for the story ! If you have any songs who made you think about the story, you can share it to me and I'll add it on the playlist ! ♥

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad | Spotify playlist

Chapter 6 // Chapter 8

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

A/N² : again it's barely proof read, sorry for the potential mistakes TwT

. . .

The day has come. The practice exam was this afternoon. 

When you woke up this morning, you felt like you wanted to throw up. Being stressed was an euphemism. You didn’t even know why you felt like that. You spent the previous weeks practicing, alone and with Wooyoung. You even had some help and advice from his boyfriend, San. 

You never get why you were so stressed. Once the music started, all the anxiety and apprehension would disappear. It had always been that way when you danced. 

These last few months, your body was really testing you, and you weren't thanking it at all. 

You knew the steps perfectly, you and Wooyoung’s coordination and synchronization were perfect. You were more than ready, you knew it. And despite that, you were anxious, sure you’d fail everything, having bad notes, failing your scholarship after working so hard…

“Y/N ?”

The sudden voice startled you. In your kitchen, you were the last remaining in this apartment. Your roommates had already left, wanting to rehearse one last time before the exam. 

You would have done the same, but the stress and anxiety had given you such a stomach ache that it took you longer to get out of bed. 

You weren’t surprised to see Jimin not really anxious. You'd never seen him stressed when it came to dancing. And from the relaxed attitude Hoseok and Jungkook had shown since you'd met them, you suspected they were in the same category as Jimin. 

When you recognized the voice and noticed Jin facing you, you couldn't hide your surprise. 

“I thought you all left for work ?” you asked him, trying to stay calm. 

“Yoongi don’t need me at this hour,” Jin replied with a chuckle, “I'll be more of a nuisance than anything else. Is everything all right?”

You noticed the two cups of coffee held in his hands when he handed one to you. You silently thanked him and took a sip after blowing on the top of the cup to not burn yourself. It was delicious. Jin's coffees were the best. He'd never forgotten how you took it, ever since the first time he'd served you on the day you met. 

"I can smell your stress from the doorway, you know?" he said after a few seconds, seeing that you didn't answer because you simply didn't know what to say. 

You chuckled and pursed your lips, it was a nervous laugh. 

"Is it that obvious?"

"Trust me there's a picture of you next to the word anxious in the dictionary!"

Okay, the next laugh was more relaxed, more sincere. Jin had this sense of humor that some might find heavy and boring, but it was just the opposite for you. You were always the first to laugh at his jokes, sometimes even against your will. But what could you do? Jin was naturally amusing. He had a way of lightening the mood quickly and with just a few words. 

“Everything will be fine, you don’t have to worry about that.” He kept talking, as he took a step towards you, "You've worked hard, you've done your best, there's no reason for you to fail. Don't forget that you're good, you're really good."

Delicately, his hand came to rest on your shoulder, provoking a slight discharge that was anything but painful. 

How had you never noticed that what you felt for them, for him, wasn't friendship? That need you felt with every physical contact, your heart racing, your stomach twisting in such a pleasurable way. 

You felt both foolish for having been so blind and in denial all this time, but at the same time relieved to have finally been able to put a word to all these things, to finally have a clear vision of the situation. 

The only thing you couldn't control, and wouldn't control, would be the boys' reaction when you admitted to them that you were an omega. Because yes, now that the end of exams had arrived, and on top of that, you were going to be entitled to two weeks' rest, you were going to have to tell them (part of) the truth. You'd promised yourself you'd do it, you couldn't back out. Especially as your next heat could come at any moment. 

Perhaps that's also where the stress came from, that uncertainty, that lack of knowledge about the coming heat you were so worried about, about how you were going to manage it, about...

"Y/N... you're overthinking again."

You bite your lips nervously, shaking her head with a nervous smile. 

“Ah, yes, I’m sorry… I guess it’ll be better at the end of the day !”

Jin shook his head with a chuckle, and his face changed quickly from a most serious one, maybe the most serious face she had seen since she met him. 

“I’m sure it’s more than just… this exam, but you won’t talk to us, nor Jimin. You know we could never leave you, or judge you, no matter what it is ?”

So they all noticed you were acting differently, didn't they? Of course, they could. You weren’t the best to hide when something was wrong. And even if you were, Jimin could read you like an open book. And you did not doubt that he would have later confided to his partners. 

“I know, and it’s the same for me, I just… need to get done with this exam first.” you began, your voice trembling, “I know I haven't been... the most agreeable person lately, and I'm sorry for that, sincerely…”

You looked away, for some reason feeling your eyes sting, as if you wanted to cry. 

“Hey, hey, listen... look at me, please,” Jin's hands rested delicately on your cheeks. He waited patiently, and resumed once your eyes met, “You don't have to apologize, we all go through moments more tense, more difficult than others that make us more tense and nervous, no one here holds it against you, believe me.”

You nodded. He wiped the few tears from your eyes and leaned to place his lips on your forehead. And it's a good thing you had a certain amount of self-control, that you could restrain your actions, your desires, and your impulses, because the only craving you had right now when you felt Jin's soft lips against your forehead, was to raise your face and have your lips meet his. 

It was the hardest thing you'd ever had to do. 

“Ah, I have an idea !” he exclaimed as he stepped back, leaving you with a very unpleasant feeling of emptiness, “I'll drive you to your class, we'll go through the café, and Yoongi will give you croissants and coffee for you, Minnie, Kook' and Hobi!”

You blinked several times, not taking your eyes off him while he moved into your apartment to grab your bag.

“Wait!” You called out as you grabbed his arm, “I thought Yoongi didn’t want to be disturbed before the opening?” 

"Oh don't worry, we’ll be quick. Plus if it's you he won't say anything." Jin shrugged with a smirk as he handed her her bag, “You know, he doesn't show it, but he has a soft spot for you.”

You raised your eyes to the sky, trying to prevent your body from betraying you, but you couldn't. You could already feel your face and ears heating up. You knew Yoongi's temperament; he had his own way of showing affection to the people he loved. You also didn't doubt that he cared for you, but to use the word “soft spot”... 

“You're blushiiing...” Jin suddenly teased. 

“I'm not!” you exclaimed as you walked past him with your head down hiding any hints of blush if there were one, ��Let's go! I don't want to be late!"

You didn't want Jin to be able to see what effect this was having on you, what effects they all were having on you. And that damn body that would only betray you... the coward! 

“Yes ma'am!” Jin couldn't hold back his giggle and stepped out with you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. The warmth of his embrace, his very singular scent didn't help your mood at all. “Aaah what are we going to do with you, little tsundere!”

“I'm not a... argh, you know what, never mind!” 

You didn't know why, but you had a feeling it was going to be a very long day. 

°°°

When you arrived at the dance hall less than an hour later, you quickly spotted Hoseok, Jungkook, and Jimin chatting with each other. Jungkook was the first to spot you and waved to you with his eternal big smile that melted you every time. 

You looked around for San and Wooyoung, remembering the day before that Wooyoung told you that some of the second and senior-year students would be there to watch the first years, which added a layer of stress because some of them, being alphas, were the ones who had almost harassed you to be an omega at the beginning of the year. 

But as you and Wooyoung had said to each other in the café when you first met: "We'll take the opportunity to nail all those pretentious alphas who like to spend their lives looking down on us!" 

And that was your main motivation right now. 

"Noona! We're here!" he exclaimed, drawing the attention of several students to you, which you decided to ignore because all their attention would be on you in about a dozen minutes anyway. 

"Oh great pastries!" exclaimed Jimin, taking the box from your hands as you handed it to him, "They're from Yoongi hyung!"

"Thank god, I love him so much, I'm starving..." muttered Jungkook who didn't wait to open the box and take out a cupcake which he bit into instantly. 

“Oh, you have Jin's scent on you...” Hoseok didn’t seem to be interested in pastries and approached you. You almost had the impression he was humming you quickly. "Hey, you're wearing his hoodie!”

You and Jin had gone to the café where Yoongi was already, and as Jin had told you earlier, Yoongi's face, initially shut and ready to scold Jin by reminding him that he didn't like to be disturbed in the morning, had immediately softened on seeing you appear beside him. Jin noticed this immediately and didn't stop himself from pointing out that he'd been right by giving you a little nudge on the shoulder and a chuckle, making you grumble as you did your best not to blush again. 

Yoongi of course understood why Jin had brought you along, because like everyone else, he knew that this day was important for Jungkook, Jimin, Hoseok, and you. 

He didn't ask any questions, he didn't even say a word. He just walked away and packed some pastries he knew you or the boys would enjoy, and you even noticed that he'd slipped a Strawberry Shortcake into the box, your favorite.  

When he walked to you and handed you the box, you could have sworn he brushed his fingers against yours on purpose, sending a long shiver down your spine. But he didn't notice, or so you hoped because even if he did, you didn't see any reaction from him. 

Once back in Jin's car, you noticed that you'd forgotten your jacket at the apartment, and unfortunately, you didn't have time to go home again. Jin hadn't hesitated to give you his hoodie, a café-au-lait-colored hoodie that was far too oversized for you, and you were floating in it, which made him laugh.  

The reason you couldn't say no was his smell. Like all of them, Jin had a very particular scent, very sweet but very strong, which invaded your whole being the moment the hoodie's fabric settled on your body. That same warmth returned to your stomach and probably also to your face, but Jin couldn't see it since you'd pulled the hood over your head. 

How could a simple piece of clothing make you feel so safe? 

“Noona? Noona!” Jungkook’s voice startled you, “Is everything fine? Don’t tell me you’re stressed!”

You blinked a few times and noticed your four friends staring at you, Jimin looking a little more worried than the others. Perhaps because he knew you best. 

“Ah yes, yes I’m fine!” you assured with a small smile, "Of course I'm stressed, not to be would be a sign of recklessness!"

"Well, I'm not really..."

"That's exactly what I'm saying!" you exclaimed, cutting off Hoseok who just couldn't help but laugh, "Ah and yes it's Jin's hoodie, I forgot my jacket at the apartment..."

"You could have asked me, I would have given you mine," Jimin muttered before receiving a small elbow from Hoseok. You looked at him, confused, and rubbed the back of your head with a shy smile. 

"You can give it to me if you want. No, wait... that's not what I meant..." you frowned, more to yourself, and tried to hide the heat wave by imagining yourself having not only Jin's scent but also Jimin's on you. 

"Oh no? What did you mean then?" Jungkook leaned towards her with a small smirk, "If you want I can pass you mine too, and I'm sure Hobi will do the same!" 

You frowned as you realized that Jungkook was starting to tease you, suspicions confirmed when Hobi also tapped him on the shoulder. But the mere idea of being surrounded by all the smells of your roommates and friends was enough to send a wave of warmth through your lower belly and your whole being. 

You had to change the subject, avoid the conversation going any further, or maybe find Wooyoung... 

Just when you needed it most, Wooyoung came up behind you and almost jumped on your back, snatching a laugh in the process. 

"Yo, did you miss me?" said Wooyoung in a cheerful tone who had his arm wrapped around your shoulder, he turned to your three friends and greeted them, a thin smile on his lips as he saw Jimin's reaction. It had reached the point where Wooyoung liked to make fun of Jimin's reactions, as he was the one who was the most protective of you, and according to Wooyoung, even jealous and possessive. But you still refused to believe it, being 100% certain that Jimin felt nothing but deep friendship. 

"You can't even imagine," you said ironically, rolling your eyes before grabbing Wooyoung's wrist and pulling you away from your three friends, "there's one last thing we need to discuss, good luck for later!"

"If you think we need luck..." chuckled Jungkook, making you roll your eyes at him again.  

You quickly walked away with Wooyoung, isolating yourselves in a corner of the dance hall, before letting out a long sigh.

"Wow, you don't look good, tense? Don't worry, we'll handle it!"

"Partly, but not only, there's something really weird going on..." 

You quickly told Wooyoung what had happened with Jin, then your reaction to your previous conversation with Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok. 

He remained silent for a few seconds after your explanation, before simply shrugging his shoulders. 

"It's a common thing with omegas, it's called a nest. Well, it's not a nest, but your behavior bears a strong resemblance to one." 

Seeing your confusion, Wooyoung gave a little laugh, not a mocking laugh, but an affectionate one, because indeed, you had a lot to learn. 

He then explained to you that a nest is usually a place where an omega can be comfortable and relaxed, whether they are in heat or just having a bad day. It mostly is the omega’s couch, filled with soft things, the most smelling like their mates if they have one. When they are mated, omegas can share their nest with their partner. 

"But that's the basic definition, made by idiots who like to put us in cases. It's happened very often with us that one of our alphas made a nest himself, because as long as it comforts them, why does it have to be only for omegas?" 

You nodded and smiled. Well, of course, Wooyoung was right, and when you learned this, you wondered why you'd never heard of what a nest was before today. Having grown up in an all-alpha family, a very closed-minded family at that, you weren't surprised that they didn't practice this sort of thing. Thinking back to your mother and sister, you realize that they could both use a little bit of it. As well as a good therapy.

"So that means it's not a sign that I'm going into heat?" you asked, a long sigh of relief leaving your lips as Wooyoung nodded. "Good, I wish I could tell them before it happens, I wouldn't like to... force it on them you know." 

"I understand, don't worry. Are you planning to tell them today?" 

You'd had a long talk with him the day before, about your decision to tell Jimin and your friends that you were an omega, to tell them the whole story. 

"Don't forget that if anything goes wrong, our door is wide open to you! Hongjoong hyung will welcome you with open arms, even though I'm sure everything will go perfectly!"

Wooyoung's optimism could be contagious at times. But he was right, you shouldn't think about the negative, you knew your friends after all, and you knew Jimin better than anyone else in this world. They wouldn't reject you for that. 

You hadn't had time to reply, the teachers, and a few senior students, including San, entered the room. The first-year students fell silent, knowing that the serious part was just about to begin. 

°°°

"Wait, you're first?!"

Jungkook exclaimed, looking at the grade board a few hours later. He turned to Wooyoung and you, as did several students who whispered words you didn't even understand. 

Slowly, you walked over to the board and looked at the sheet of paper on which the grades were written.

Jungkook Jimin and Hoseok were second. It had to be said that their performance was incredible. They had successfully mixed their solo and trio performances, creating a highly original tableau while respecting the given instructions. 

But apparently, the teachers preferred you and Wooyoung's performance. Even if there were only five small points that set you apart from your friends. 

A week before the exam, you and Wooyoung came up with the idea of teaching each other's solo choreography to the other. The solo instruction was that the creation had to be original and from the student himself, and there was no indication that the duo dance partner couldn't participate. Several of you had this idea in your class.

It seems this technique had paid off because you were now top of the class. 

"I don't believe it... Y/n pinch me please," asked Wooyoung in a whisper, before letting out a little scream as you obeyed. "Hey, that hurts!"

"You asked me to pinch you!" you exclaimed, turning to face him. 

"But it wasn't serious! Ah, we're first noona, we made it!" Wooyoung's face lit up and he took you in his arms, making you burst into a frank laugh, but also a way of letting out all the stress accumulated over the last few weeks. 

You hugged Wooyoung for a few seconds, unable to hide your joy and relief at having achieved such a formidable accomplishment, knowing the talented dancers in your group. Of course, you couldn't help but feel a hint of satisfaction at being able to rise above Jimin and your friends. 

You, who'd always had that imposter syndrome when dancing alongside talented dancers like Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok, seeing your name inscribed in front of theirs made you realize that you belonged here, that you deserved it, like them, like Wooyoung.

San called Wooyoung, who jumped into his arms and couldn't help but share his joy with his boyfriend. San hugged him back, praising him. He stretched out his hand to you, and you gave him a high five as he winked at you.

"Noona!"

You turned to Jimin, who was walking towards you with a smile like you'd never seen before. Behind him, Jungkook and Hoseok seemed to be just as happy for you, and that only made your heart beat faster. 

You'd always known that between you and Jimin, there'd never been any competition, but you'd had this little thought that maybe Jungkook and Hoseok wouldn't be like him, and you were so relieved to find out that you were wrong. 

“It’s amazing, you are amazing!”

Jimin couldn't resist taking you in his arms, hugging you tightly. This time, you couldn't refuse this hug, you needed it. The stress of the last few weeks was fading away, and you missed your best friend's touch more than ever. 

Anyway, you'd tell them tonight that you were an omega, you didn't want to hide anymore.

°°°

Or maybe, you could wait a little more? 

Because now that you were probably a few minutes before telling (one of) the deepest secrets you ever had, you didn’t know if it was a good idea. 

They were all here, you were all in Namjoon, Jin, and Yoongi’s apartment. They had decided to order a multitude of dishes and side dishes, which you shared on the coffee table. At the center of the table was a large bouquet made by Taehyung himself, who couldn't help himself when he heard how well Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok and you'd done. 

“Y/N please, don't forget us when you'll be one of Beyoncé's main dancers, okay? I'd love to have an autograph!”

You nearly choked on your soda at Jin's remark, causing general hilarity. 

“I don't want to dance for Beyoncé!” you couldn't help but laugh despite it, and you got up to grab a towel from the kitchen to wipe yourself off, “ah I swear Jin... you do have an imagination...”

You rolled your eyes as you heard them still laughing and joking about it. From the kitchen, you had a perfect view of the living room and your friends. They were eating, laughing, and teasing each other. There was no negativity in the room. You didn't want to risk ruining it now. But at the same time, you told yourself that if you didn't do it now, you'd never have the courage to do it again. You'd then have your heat without the ability to hide it, things could then degenerate one way or another, and you could lose them forever. 

The thought only was enough to bring tears to your eyes. 

“Hey Y/N, everything okay?”

Yoongi's voice startled you, and you realized that he had joined you in the kitchen. The others didn't seem to have noticed your sudden tension, too busy with their conversations, unlike him. 

You didn't answer, just stared at him blankly at first, and could read the worry in his eyes, but also that little spark of gentleness that was so peculiar to him, a look that could give courage to anyone for whom it was intended. That look meant “You can do it, everything will be all right.” 

It was the same feeling you had when you spoke to Jin earlier this morning, except that Jin passed it on with his words. 

Your heart beat too fast, your mouth went dry. You had to do it. 

Without breaking eye contact, you finally opened your lips, and the words came out slowly, in an insecure, trembling voice. 

“I'm an omega.” 

The others didn't seem to hear you. Yoongi remained silent for a few seconds, without saying a word. Seconds that seemed to last an eternity. Seconds when you had time to imagine the worst possible scenarios, and he seemed to have guessed it.

It was only when he gently took your hand in his that you noticed it was shaking. 

“I know.” he murmured in a soft, reassuring voice, seeing your eyes widened with surprise and confusion, he shook his head with a small laugh, ” Later.”

You opened your mouth to reply but soon saw Jimin's face in your sight. 

“Noona! What's the matter? Are you alright? Did you burn yourself? you-”

“Jimin, let her talk, will you?”

This time it was Namjoon who had spoken, his voice sounding just as reassuring as Yoongi's. Everyone had fallen silent and was staring at you. You looked at each of them, ending with Jimin, whose gaze was filled with unspeakable concern.

You felt a slight pressure on your hand from Yoongi, who wanted to give you the courage to go for it. 

So, like with him, you did your best to gather your thoughts, to coordinate your voice and the words that should come from your lips.

“I... I am an Omega...”

Unfortunately, your voice was shakier than the first time. You couldn't help feeling even more ridiculous as you felt your eyes sting with tears.

“I am sorry... truly sorry I... I didn't mean to hide it...” you managed to articulate, ”I thought I was a beta until... recently and... I panicked.” you take a deep breath as you squeeze Yoongi's hand a little tighter, ”I'll understand if you're angry with me, if you don't want to be friends anymore or...”

“Don't be ridiculous!” 

You recognized Jimin's voice and embrace, which came suddenly, but which you accepted with barely hidden relief. His voice was shaking.

“You're my best friend, the most important person in my life as if that could change over something as trivial as that!”

You couldn't hold back a tear that ran down your cheek. Tear that couldn't finish its way when Yoongi ran his finger over your cheek to wipe it away. 

“It doesn't matter if you're an omega, an alpha, or a beta. You're our Y/N, we love you just the way you are!” exclaimed Jungkook, who sounded just as relieved as Taehyung and Jin. 

Namjoon nodded with a small smile and approached you. You had trouble seeing him, as Jimin had decided to cling to you. 

“It happens frequently actually. You think you are an alpha, and it turns out you're a beta, or an omega, or the other way around.” He explained, placing his hand on your hair as you acquiesced, which he began to stroke in a way that was intended to be gentle and reassuring. 

“You all don’t seem that surprised…” you said as you remembered words a few minutes ago, and when you heard Jungkook cough, you turned to him, confused. 

“I… I heard you a few weeks ago, you were on the phone with Wooyoung… Yoongi hyung heard me and we told the others…”

Ok, this one you didn't see it coming. But in the end, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

“Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jimin finally asked, looking at you curiously, and somewhat a little hurt by your silence, which you thought was totally valid. 

“Minnie, can you let go of her ?” Hoseok asked with a little laugh. 

“No, I have months of hugs to catch up !” he exclaimed, his grip on you tightening a little, making the others sigh. But you couldn’t help but let out a laugh. You didn’t mind it at all. You need it more than anything right now.

Oh how you missed his embrace, his warmth, his scent all over you. It felt so good, so right to be in his arms. It felt like where you should be. 

It felt like home.

“I didn't tell you because... when I saw the disgust... the disappointment in my mother's eyes...” You shook your head, swallowing back your tears, “That's why she asked me not to come anymore. I couldn't have supported... I couldn't have supported losing you too...” You looked at Jimin who held you closer to him, "to lose you all..."

Admitting these words out loud was harder than you thought. You weren't the kind of person to talk openly about your feelings, fears, and anxieties. 

“I don't want things to change, I don’t want you to treat me differently...”

You bit your lower lip. Your heart was beating a hundred miles. 

“I hope I never have to meet your parents,” Hoseok said in a cold voice you'd never heard from him, and strangely you found it oddly seductive.

“What a bunch of assholes,” Taehyung said disdainfully.

“I'm not even going to correct you this time. What a bunch of jerks.” Jin shook his head, frowning.

“Look, who cares? You're an omega, so what? Is this about your heat? We'll find a way to deal with it, just like we do with our ruts. We don't care, that's not the most important.” Namjoon smiles affectionately at you, “The main thing is that you feel comfortable with us, that we're all comfortable with each other, that's how a pack works after all, isn't it?”

This time, you hid your face against Jimin's shoulder, unable to hold back your tears any longer. 

“Wait... did I say something wrong?” Namjoon asked somewhat panicked, making the others laugh, even you, between sobs. 

“Don't worry, some stress to relieve.” Yoongi grabbed Namjoon's hand, kissing his cheek at the same time, before moving back to the sofa. “She’s fine now, everything will be fine from now on.”

“Ah Noona, I was so scared!” Taehyung exclaimed as he came around to hug you from behind, his torso pressing against your back. 

All these weeks, all this stress, this tension, this constant fear of living through this fateful moment had just come to an end tonight. 

Wooyoung had been right, once again. Things couldn't have gone better. 

Perhaps there was still the feelings thing, but for the moment, you didn't want to think about it. You just wanted to enjoy this moment, this acceptance you'd never had before today. You just wanted to enjoy Jimin's warmth, which you'd missed so much, and Taehyung's, and even Jungkook, who'd added to the hug somehow. 

As Jimin said, he didn't let go of you all evening, snuggling up to you like a Koala to its branch. You don't remember how the evening ended, except that you found yourself lying in a bed between Hoseok and Jimin. 

And for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, you slept a nightmare-free sleep, your heart and soul as light as they'd ever been. 

[e-dubbc11]

A Christmas Wish

Photos are not mine. They are courtesy of Pinterest/Google.

Pairing: Billy Russo x F! Reader

Warnings: Fluff, smooches, mentions of Billy’s shitty childhood and a couple of swear words.

Word Count: 2.1K-ish

Summary: You love decorating the Christmas tree but Billy doesn’t and he tries to put on a smile for you so you try to make it better by giving him a few special gifts.

A/N: Greetings and Happy 2025 to my lovely friends! Hope you are well and I apologize for being quiet lately. I’ve been sick and my entire week off from work was spent trying to recover from whatever lovely cold is going around.

I tried to put this out before Christmas but obviously that didn’t happen and I’ve also been a little bummed about friendly interaction, everyone seems to have disappeared but whatever, I digress.

Oh I’m also thinking about trimming down my tag list again just because I don’t feel like wasting anyone’s time if you’re not interested in reading my fics anymore. I dunno, I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I’m sure it will pass…

As always, thank you for reading!  I appreciate it so much and comments, reblogs are welcome and encouraged. Don’t be shy to tell me your favorite part. 💕💕 💕

Some of them were very delicate.

The ornaments were old, made from very thin glass and passed down to you by your parents, that they received from THEIR parents. There were a handful that said “Baby’s First Christmas” followed by your name written in beautiful script. A pink bulb that was stuffed with “angel hair” was one of your favorites. That’s what your dad used to tell you when you were little which you thought was a cute story.

Billy had taken the ornament tote out of storage so the two of you could decorate the tree together. Mostly, he just sat back and let you decorate the tree. He wasn’t particularly fond of this time of year or any holiday.

A brass ornament with a sleeping baby and the year you were born, a red bauble with your name written in silver glitter on the side, and a bone ornament with your childhood dog’s name on it were a few more of your favorites.

Each ornament had a story like who gave it to you and what year, and if there was a reason they picked that particular one. The dates ranged from the time you were born up until recent years. Some of them were handmade from when you were a child that your father thought you might like to have along with the one he gave you last year with a picture of you and Billy inside for your first Christmas together.

Trimmed to perfection, which was obviously Billy’s doing, the tree stood impressively in front of one of the large windows in the penthouse so it could be seen by others, looking out from the tops of their buildings. The warm white lights shined against the dark green needles, giving off an enticing invitation that made it so you couldn’t help but stare at it.

The branches were full and abundant with plenty of room for all of your ornaments as shades of red, green, and gold bounced off the delicate glow of the white lights.

This time of year brought back so many fond memories for you. Billy couldn’t say the same thing. Growing up without a family, this time of year was just a reminder of all the holidays he spent in the group home, alone.

He didn’t have any ornaments from childhood to hang on the tree.

“The decorations they put up just made me more depressed.” He had told you. “The old pathetic little fake tree, it was all bullshit, and it just made me hate her even more for leaving. They called the group home Ray of Hope but there was nothing hopeful about that place.”

He had a mother, she had been out there somewhere but she didn’t want him. She never did. That shattered your heart, twisted your stomach into knots, and left you wondering how a mother could do that to her own child.

The darkness that comes with the winter months is hard enough so you thought a tree would light up that darkness, make it colorful, and maybe brighten his day just a little bit.

Billy put the tree up for you, because you wanted it and because he loved to see you smile, even though the Christmas season didn’t bring him any happy memories like it did for you.

But you were determined to make it better, he deserved it and you loved him more than anything.

**********

If he had ever wanted to talk about it, Billy would be the first one to tell you that his childhood was shit but he worked hard to make sure children in need would have a better Christmas than he ever did so he helped out collecting Toys for Tots during this time of year.

So he had a lot of long December days where he wouldn’t get home until late.

The lights in the penthouse were dimmed to create a warm and cozy environment for when Billy came home. The presents you had for him were nicely wrapped and sitting on the large coffee table near the couch, you picked up his favorite cookies from the bakery, and had a glass of his favorite bourbon ready and waiting for him.

His keys jingled in the door handle as he walked through the door.

“Another late one, sweet girl. I’m sorry.” Said Billy.

He was always so apologetic when he worked late but you understood.

On cold nights like tonight, you loved to sit in the dark, a fire blazing in the fireplace, relax in comfortable clothes, with nothing but the Christmas tree lights on, and quietly look out at the city skyline. You had been enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and reading your book when Billy walked through the door.

He walked over to the couch to give you a quick kiss and then head to his office but you stopped him.

“Can you sit for a minute, handsome? Please?” You asked.

He desperately wanted to get more work done before really calling it a night plus he liked to find any excuse he could to not be near the Christmas tree.

“Can it wait, baby? I just wanna get a little work done.” He said, firmly.

Normally, you could wait a little while until he was finished but tonight was different, this was for him, and you just really wanted to give him something special.

But you decided to put your foot down.

“No…actually, it can’t wait, Billy.” You said.

Billy hated to disappoint you or make you angry with him so he sat down on the couch, next to you. He noticed the present as he took a sip of bourbon.

“Did you get an early present from someone at work or somethin’?” He asked.

Biting down on your lower lip, you shook your head and tried to keep from smiling. You were excited to give him his presents.

“It’s for you, Billy.” You said, softly.

Billy set his glass down, looked at you and then looked at the box.

“But Christmas isn’t for two weeks, sweet girl.” He said with a slight smile.

You replied, “I know…open it.”

The wrapping paper was all white and you had tied a perfect bow with royal blue ribbon. His long fingers carefully untied the ribbon and set it aside. Billy then tore into the wrapping paper, revealing a large white box. As he removed the top, he stared at the blue tissue paper inside for a minute before digging around for the gifts underneath.

Billy first pulled out his United States Marine Corps ornament. He read the saying on the back out loud for you.

“From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

We fight our country’s battles

In the air, on land, and sea;

First to fight for right and freedom

And to keep our honor clean;

We are proud to claim the title

Of United States Marines.”

Billy looked over at you and started to say, “Baby, this is…”

But you stopped him.

“There’s more, my love. Keep going.” You said, kissing him on the cheek.

He found his Christmas stocking next. It looked like yours except his was red to go along with your green one and his name was embroidered at the top, in the same font to match yours, and a hook to hang it from, over the fireplace. The final gift in the box was a plain red bulb ornament with his name written in silver glitter on it, just like the one you received as a child.

You wanted Billy to have ornaments that were his and his alone for him to hang on the tree. You hoped it would make this time of year a little happier for him.

“Sometimes I forget that this time of year isn’t pleasant for everyone. I was hoping to make it a little better for you, Billy. So I got you ornaments that are just for you.” You said.

He replied, holding the stocking and glitter ornament in his hand, “They’re just like yours.”

“I wish I could take away your bad memories, but I can’t. So I thought maybe if you had new memories…that, um…” You trailed off with a hitch in your voice.

Billy didn’t let you finish. He just leaned in and planted a soft kiss on your lips, the sweet taste of vanilla and a little spicy from the nutmeg on his from the sips of bourbon he had a few minutes ago, and the woodsy scent of his cologne floated past your nose as you kissed him back.

The warm white lights reflected in his onyx colored eyes and his smile traveled from the curl in his lip, up to the lines around his eyes. Billy didn’t have to say how he was feeling, you could see it in his eyes, see it in his smile, and you felt it in the way he kissed you.

“These are just…I don’t…thank you, sweet girl.” Said Billy.

He looked over at the tree for the first time since he arrived home and actually smiled. Billy finally had his own ornaments to hang on the Christmas tree and he looked excited about it.

“Go ahead, baby.” You said with a warm smile.

Billy rolled his shirt sleeves up to his elbows, loosened his tie, stood up while carefully holding his ornaments, walked over to the tree and pondered about where he should place them. You knew the perfectionist in him wanted to pick out the perfect spot for them.

He found your ornament with your name written in silver glitter and he placed his on the branch next to it. Billy then found a branch near the top for his Marines ornament that he needed the stepladder to reach and he hung his stocking on the opposite end of the fireplace from where yours was. He said he had to keep it “symmetrical” which made you chuckle. There’s that perfectionist trait hard at work again.

Billy actually looked content, finding places for his ornaments and hanging his stocking on the fireplace. He finally had the experience that he didn’t get to do when he was young.

Forced to grow up faster than he should have, Billy Russo’s childhood was stolen from him by the person that was supposed to protect him and love him but she didn’t. His mother left him and never looked back so it really wasn’t a mystery of why he didn’t trust anyone, why he never got close to anyone, or why he never had a long term relationship.

You were helping him work through some of that pain and building trust so he would never have to go through any of that hurt ever again.

As he sat down, you let your head gently fall against his chest as he kissed the top of your head. You felt your eyelids getting heavy and it was a relief to close them as you pulled your legs up onto the couch. His body was a warm cradle for yours.

“I love you.” Whispered Billy, kissing the top of your head again.

With your eyes closed still, you smiled and replied, “I love you too, Billy. I just want all your Christmas wishes to come true.”

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, my love. My only wish is I wish I didn’t have to wait so long for you.” He said in barely more than a whisper.

Tears stung the back of your eyes as your heart began to race and your fingers started to tingle. All Billy had ever wanted was to be loved and something as simple as a Christmas ornament with his name on it, you knew he’d cherish it forever because it came from someone who showed him he deserved to be loved and he was worthy of affection.

You finally understood why Billy always kept you close, why he never let you wander too far from him, and why he had a hand on you at all times. Sometimes he held on a little too tight but it was because he didn’t want what he had to go away or be taken from him like it had all those years ago.

The little toy soldier that was attached to his keys was the first thing you ever gave him and he was constantly reaching into his pocket to make sure it was there. Just like the ornaments, the toy soldier might seem insignificant or small to anyone else, but to him, it was everything.

You gave him back some of the childhood that was taken from him and you will never forget the smile that stretched across his face.

Your parents always said that it was better to give than receive…and giving Billy a happy Christmas memory allowed you to finally experience what they had been talking about.

And they were absolutely right. Making Billy Russo smile really was the best feeling in the world.

Tag List: @wheresthesunshinesblog @idaoftheburningmind @rafaelakelley @snowkestrel @music-indie-tv @kayhi808 @munsonownsmyass @gijos @fictional-hooman @k-marzolf @nutmeg17 @vaguekayla @danzer8705 @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @aoi-targaryen @mysteriouslydeafeningwerewolf @rachlovesactors @qu1etwolf @sweetserendipity65

Others that might enjoy: @itwasthereaminuteago @fluffyprettykitty @jvanilly @ittybxttykxttytxtty @imagine-a-fictional-boyfriend @mrsbillyrusso @colereads @jediwizardelf @thejanecampaign @milea @folkloreofyennefer @mysweetlittledesire

If you’d like to be added to (or removed from) my tag list for the ever so handsome Billy Russo, just let me know and thank you again for reading! 💕💕💕 If I tagged you but didn’t want to be, just let me know and I’ll never do it again

[tfyoulookingatgiuxs]

Mama's Boy

Depressed!Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: A very normal day at the Munson house. You were happy to visit your sweet boyfriend, too bad for you, he couldn't say the same thing. He wasn't in the mood and wanted to be alone. You had never seen him like this and that's why you had to ask Wayne for help.

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: Insicure!Eddie, Depressed!Eddie, Patient!Reader, blurb, fluff, hurt/confort, theme about alcohol addiction, theme about sigarettes, theme about drugs, past traumas, mommy issue, suicide, bad language. (Whatever you now read about this one-shot is made up. Nothing I've written is canonical. Everything I have written is nothing that has been seen or confirmed in the Duffer Brothers' Stranger Things series!!!)

𝐀/𝐍: Sorry for my english, this is not my native languages. Please support new writers and reblog!Hope you enjoy! Anyway, if you shake your phone/tablet the daisies move :/ (DIVIDER NOT MINE)

It was a simple fall day in Hawkins. The streets were quiet and the days too, while the citizens were already preparing for the Halloween party that would take place in a few months.

Autumn was perhaps one of your favorite seasons and apparently also that of your metalhead boyfriend, Eddie Munson.

Today as expected, you got ready to go to his trailer. You were supposed to go out together to pick up a movie at Family Video and spend the afternoon like that. You were happy to see Eddie again after a long week due to your studies. You were finally free and no one could take that smile off your face. Or at least that's what you thought...

You knocked cheerfully on the door only to hear an "Coming!" from the other side. His voice was hoarse. It wasn't Eddie. In fact, Uncle Wayne opens the door for you. He gave you a warm smile and invited you in but after you stepped into the trailer his smile disappeared turning his face into a worried look. You wanted to know what was wrong, but you thought maybe it wasn't any of your business. Maybe it was personal stuff and you didn't want to intrude. So you looked around noticing that Eddie wasn't there. "Is Eddie home?" You put your arms behind your back waiting for a response from the adult as he headed towards the kitchen counter.

He nodded "Yes, he's in his room but..." He didn't continue his sentence, in fact he seemed to be looking for the right words. You got worried thinking something bad had happened but then Wayne spoke "If you want I'll call him but I'm warning you kid, he's not well" His tone was low and you could see the concern "What happened?" You asked while hoping that nothing serious had happened. Wayne sighed and then pulled a photo out of his left pocket and placed it on the counter for you as you walked over.

It was old and what's more it was also in black and white. In the photo you could see the panorama of a wonderful beach with two subjects present in the photograph: a woman and a child. Both had their backs turned as they looked at the sea or perhaps the sunset. The woman, even if you couldn't see her face, was definitely beautiful with comfortable clothes. The child's features appeared to be five or six years old. You were confused but let the man in front talk to you.

"Today my nephew and I cleaned out the closet," he began, continuing to talk "In one of the junk we found an old photo album with him and his mother" at that news I felt a great weight on your chest.

You knew that Eddie was without his parents and that he had lived most of his life with his Uncle Wayne, but he had never openly told you what had happened to them.

"After we settled everything, he took the photo album and locked himself in the room. I tried to talk to him, but he said he wanted to be alone" You didn't know exactly how to react. You wanted to know more but at the same time you wanted to go console your boyfriend and find out how he is doing. After a moment of reflection and silence you decided to ask questions.

"If I may ask Wayne...what happened to Eddie's parents?" You were unsure whether to ask since the topic seemed sensitive. The man looked away for a moment and then took a cigarette and put it between his lips and motioned for you to go outside. You followed him, you both exited the trailer and Wayne sat down on the steps in front of the front door while you sat down next to him. He took out his lighter, lighting the cigarette, inhaling the smoke and then releasing it.

"Sorry for taking you out, I'd like to talk to you about it in private" He said. You nodded understanding his reasons.

"My nephew never told you about them, did he?" He asked, surely knowing the answer, but it seemed he wanted to be sure. "No, never. He only told me that they died, he never told me how" You replied as you fixed a lock of your hair feeling the cool air hitting your skin making you shiver. Wayne was silent for a moment, continued to smoke as some ash fell to the ground and he sighed. "My nephew. Before living with me, he lived with his mother" The question arises spontaneously "And his father?"

"That asshole brother of mine? He ran away. When he found out that his wife was pregnant he ran. I never heard from him until I was told that he died in a car accident" you were shocked at the news "His mother was desperate, she hadn't accepted being left like that" her eyes looked at the surrounding landscape of the Trailer Park as more smoke released from her lips "She raised him until he was six and then one day we found her dead on the sofa in her house" you were speechless and every part of Wayne's story made you feel bad, you had become a stone statue no longer knowing how to react and comment on those words of his coming from a difficult past, but the story wasn't finished.

"After my brother left, all she did was drink and take care of Eddie when she could. Most of the time I helped her and tried to keep her away from alcohol, but she never wanted to listen to me." Wayne sighed as if he were throwing himself into memories "She then started using narcotics and smoking more often, it had now become her daily routine..."

You wanted to say something but you was immediately interrupted by him "When she died for my nephew was a hard blow at that age. He loved his mother very much...even if every now and then she forgot that he had a son to raise and spent the hours watching television drunk" This time the man looked at you and noticed your sweet soul worried "I can't imagine what it was like for him, losing a mother at such a young age..." you said it in a whisper and Wayne heard you and nodded "It was very difficult for my nephew. His mother was everything for him, even if it doesn't seem like it now...he may seem scary but in reality he has always been a mama's boy" Wayne smiled and his words had the same effect on you.

You had never thought of Eddie as a mama's boy, and it made you feel tender. "Really?" You asked as if you were in disbelief and he chuckled "Really. At the age of five he was already helping her, asking her for help and taking advice from her for anything. However, he never came to me to ask me for something, for my nephew it was obligatory ask mom" You were touched by this side of Eddie that you didn't know. You were really curious to see how he would act if his mother was still here.

"His mother though? How did she react to it?" You asked and Wayne smirked again "Well, yes, she was happy to have this relationship with Eddie, they spent time together, even if it wasn't much, but for my nephew that time was enough for him to be happy" your smile widened hearing those words "But as I told you before, she forgot about him and spent the rest of the days on the sofa. At times like those I took my nephew home with me so he wouldn't see the horrible state of his mother..." Wayne finished the cigarette and threw it on the ground, stomping on it. "Has he ever thought that his mother didn't love him?" Your lips moved by themselves, you didn't know where this one came from but you tried to identify with that little Eddie who was just trying to stay close to his mother even in the most difficult moment, but she was psychologically destroyed and let her uncle get away with it took care of it for him, you would surely have thought something like "Does mom love me?" or “Why does mommy do this?” something similar.

Wayne nodded "Yes...I remember he told me this on an ordinary day while he was having lunch with me. I didn't know how to answer him, I mean, how can you tell your five year old nephew that his mother takes drugs, drinks and that does he do anything but smoke? And what's more, she only loves it because it reminds her of my brother?" That answer left you stunned and Wayne seemed to understand your reaction "Exactly. His mother, as much as she might love him as a son, loved him even more just because he reminded her of my fucking brother... she always said that Eddie looked a lot like him" The cool air moved your hair slightly "And that's it?" He glanced at you "Do I have to be honest? Not at all, it's all her mother. Especially now" You let out a giggle.

"But now I don't know how he must feel years later. Now he knows things that we hid from him as a child and knowing the truth certainly hurts, but he must learn to face it" You looked at your shoes while thinking about what to say "Do you think he has he gotten over his mother's death?" It took Wayne a while to answer "No. I'm sure of this...As I told you, his mother's death was a hard blow for him and he still suffers from it today" his look was sad, and not do you think you've ever seen this sensitive side of Wayne "I tried to do my best to reassure him and be close to him, but my nephew will never be able to get the image of his mother lying on the sofa lifeless out of his head..." his eyes began to become shiny and you instinctively put a hand on the man's shoulder "Hey, you did a great job with him. You may not have managed to heal that wound of his but you healed many others during his life and I'm sure you never let him lack anything." Wayne smiled big and seemed to feel better "Thanks kid" He stood up and you did the same "Can I talk to him?" You asked as you both walked back into the trailer. He nodded "One moment..." He told you as he headed towards his nephew's room.

After a couple of minutes Wayne came back to you motioning that you could go into the room. Before leaving you took the black and white photograph and headed towards Eddie's room. You found him sitting on the bed looking at the photo album and it made your heart ache. As soon as he saw you he whispered a soft "Hey" while you whispered a soft "Hi" and sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, today we were supposed to go to Family Video and catch a movie to watch-"

"Don't worry Eds, it's okay, it'll be for another time" Your tone was sweet, making him understand that you didn't care about seeing a fucking movie now, but rather being close to him.

"Did my uncle tell you everything?" He said as he looked at you. As soon as his eyes met yours you could see his wet cheeks. He had cried, and it broke your heart in two. You hated seeing him like this and just wished you could console him as best you could. You nodded "How are you?" He didn't seem to want to answer you. Your hand began to caress his back as your eye fell on the album. “I miss her..." Was hi answer. You now saw a color photo of a woman, who you understood to be very beautiful, holding little Eddie by the hand. "I can tell,"

"She's very beautiful and looks a lot like you" now you understood Wayne's words. Even if you didn't know what Eddie's father looked like, he sure as hell couldn't have looked like Eddie looked like his mother, they were identical "Uncle Wayne tells me that too, but she always said I looked like my father" you could hear the note of sadness and contempt falling from his lips "And that's why she left..." You saw how he bit his lower lip tightly, surely keeping himself from shedding tears as you moved closer to him "Why do you think that?"

"Why is it like this... I ruined her life. Every day he woke up looking at the spitting image of my father and that's why he despaired on the sofa ruining himself day by day" Damn it hurt to see him like that. You immediately wanted to hug him tightly "But she loved you and you loved her right?" He nodded "Yes, i love her very much but she didn't love me and she had her reasons, I was the cause of her pain and it ended with her death" Eddie hid his face with the palm of his hand. “I ruined his life Y/N… I'm ruining the lives of everyone around me, starting with Uncle Wayne and-”

"Eddie look at me" A note of seriousness came out of your mouth and you didn't let him finish. Not after he started shedding tears. He looked up and looked at you and with your free hand you cupped his cheek, his eyes were bright "You're not ruining anyone's life Eds. Get it through your head-" "How can you say that? I should never have been born in the first place, so she wouldn't have died" He said irritated and immediately more tears hit his cheeks.

"What happened to your mother is not your fault, nor was your birth. Maybe it's true, your mother loved you above all because you reminded her of the man who abandoned her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't has ever truly loved you" You took out the photograph Wayne had shown you. "This photo is of you and her, Eddie. And all these others too" you pointed to the album "You were always her baby, and as hard as life was on you that doesn't mean she stopped loving you as a son"

"I don't know exactly the whole story, but I know that there is no more beautiful bond than that between a son and a mother, and yours was a beautiful bond Eds and it certainly didn't lead her to kill herself" Fuck... he started to sob "You haven't ruined anyone's life honey, not your uncle or even the people around you. If your mother isn't here today it's certainly not because of you, she was suffering too much and wasn't able to move forward" With your thumb you dried the tears Eddie was shedding "But at least she left with the knowledge of having given birth to a wonderful son" you wrapped him in your arms while he let himself go, wetting the cotton of your t-shirt with his his tears. You gave him a light kiss on his scalp as you stroked his hair. "You are the most beautiful thing your uncle could have asked for and the same thing goes for me. You are one of the sweetest and most special people I could have ever asked for. Every day you improve my life so don't even think about something like that" you whispered in his ear as he held you tighter.

Eddie didn't answer but vented his tears some more before trying to compose himself.

You didn't accept that your boyfriend talked about him that way. His horrible past had left him with too many insecurities and doubts after his mother's death that a poor child like him at that age didn't have the strength to face. An image of a little Eddie spending moments with his mother appeared in your mind. The afternoon, the first day of school, the days with his uncle. Your imagination of that sweet, beautiful child was overwhelmed when you then thought about how he and Wayne found his mother dead. Coming home, ready to hug his mother again but she was gone forever. You felt a lump in your throat as you thought about how he must have felt when he tried to wake up his mother. The tears and desperation he felt, something you absolutely couldn't understand but imagining it was definitely heartbreaking. No one would have tolerated it...

Eddie was one of those people who never fully enjoyed his parents. He never knew his father and his mother had passed away dying of an overdose. You begin to think that in all respects you were lucky compared to him. You had a mother and a father, even if they were distant because they no longer felt the love they had before, but they were still your parents. A feeling of guilt invaded your abdomen thinking about how although you had a mother who takes care of you, you didn't have the relationship that Eddie had with his and that perhaps he would like to have again. You were also envious of this, yes. But you felt like somehow it was your fault. You have always had arguments with your parents, especially with your mother and now you realize that not everyone was lucky enough to have a mother who takes care of you.

You really appreciated what your mother did, but you never admitted it and maybe that was the reason why you didn't have a good relationship. You could sense that something in you had changed as you caressed the boy's dark curls, pressing light kisses from his ear to the crook of his neck. His breathing had returned to regularity but he was still sniffling and sobbing slightly. Now you felt somehow good, lighter with less weight on your shoulders. You wanted to be even closer to him than you already were and somehow heal his wound that was still dripping blood if touched with a finger.

"Feeling better big boy?" You used the nickname he loved so much. He just nodded. "If you need anything you know you can tell me right?" He nodded again and gave him another kiss near his ear. It was hot, actually burning hot. You could tell all that heat was from the outburst, the crying and even the embarrassment. He absolutely didn't want you to see him in that state and be able to understand it. Eddie had always been a guy who preferred to do everything alone and without anyone's help, which is reasonable, you had been there too...

But Eddie will also have realized that obstacles are not always faced with one's own strength. Sure, you've always been there for him and definitely Wayne too, but you didn't know how many times Eddie needed his mother. To go to her and ask for help or hug her if he was sick, something Eddie desperately wanted. You felt his grip tighten on you again as he started to sob again "Shh Shh Shh...it's okay Eds" a hiss came out of your sweet lips and after a couple of minutes he broke the hug trying hastily to clean his face “I-I'm really sorry, you shouldn't see me like this.”

"Why do you say this?" He shakes his head "Beacuse...well you don't-" you didn't let him finish "You didn't want me to find out about you and your mother?" He looked at you in surprise as he nodded quickly “Did you by any chance think I would judge you?” He looked at you and was afraid to give you the answer, because even though he loved you to death and had known you for a long time he was afraid that you would actually judge him, he didn't answer "You know I would never judge you, especially on something like that," you placed your hand on his. "Knowing about you and your mother makes me happy, because I know that you loved her very much, and that she loved you despite everything" now your foreheads were touching "I'm sure your mother is very happy to see the mama's boy grow up" you smiled and he did the same and you pressed a kiss to his forehead "Let's do this..." Eddie looked at you with his puppy eyes "How about I'll bring you a glass of water and then, if you want to, can you tell me about your mother?" You asked. You couldn't lie, those photos intrigued you and you wanted to get to know Mrs. Munson a little through those beautiful photographs.

He sniffed and you nodded smiling at you "Now big boy, dry these tears, I'll be right back ok?"

“Okay” He said and you gave him a kiss on the lips which widened his smile.

And so you spent the afternoon with your boyfriend. Sitting leaning against the headboard of the bed while together you browsed through those photos showing off smiles while you were wrapped in each other's arms. Eddie's head rested on your shoulder while yours rested on his head. He looked up when you finally closed the photo album "Thank you sweetheart" He said as you caressed his scalp "Whenever you want big boy, you know that I'm always there for you"

“I wouldn’t know what to do without you” his chocolate brown eyes got lost in yours.

"Well, don't think about it then. Just think that now I'm here with you" He chuckled and you both smiled at each other as your sweet boyfriend fell asleep in your arms.

Even though he was now a grown man, Eddie was still a mama's boy.

[honeybeefae]

Long Overdue

Hey everyone! Radio silence from me again for the last few weeks and I’m so sorry. It was an absence I wasn’t expecting but also was absolutely needed.

I saw each of your messages, tags, submissions, and I want you to know that first of all I’m sorry for the worry I’ve caused but secondly, and most importantly, how thankful I am for each and every one of you.

I won’t go into heavy details but a brief explanation is definitely needed and I want you all to know what’s happening. I feel like we as a society don’t speak about postpartum depression/psychosis/anxiety well enough and it can be so, so isolating. I was in a personal hell every day of my life, and trust me there are many days where I still am struggling, but I’m slowly getting myself right again.

I was able to take myself with the help and support of my family to a facility where I was admitted as an inpatient for these issues. It was not what I wanted but it was what I needed. I have just recently come out the other side and while of course I will still be attending rigorous outpatient therapy and counseling, I am so glad to be at home.

I missed my family, my kids, my bed, and this community. I truly, truly missed you all so much more than you know. While I am still not fully back as I am focusing on my health for awhile, I want you all to know I have not disappeared or gone AWOL.

(As much as it would be amazing to disappear…preferably with a roguishly handsome red haired fae man named Eris…)

You guys are way too important and mean way too much for me to just leave behind. I love you guys. ❤️

[butterflyinthewell]

Changes.

I cried out to my choir a few weeks back about what’s going on and Greg, who owns a home care company like Visiting Angels (but something else, like Care At Home), got in touch with my mom and literally donated a person’s help to us after seeing what a disaster our lives are. I’m still gobsmacked. This restored my faith in God caring when it was just about to fray apart. Maybe He realized He was going to lose me and reached out to prevent that.

So we have D coming over twice a week for a few hours. Mom showed him the ropes for how we deal with dad’s toileting and changing the chux pads on the bed since those are the biggest problem for mom since it hurts her back bending over to do that.

It’s not much, but mom can have a break since D will do things like bathing, toileting, stuff like that. If mom and I want to go out for a short time, we can. It’s Mondays and Wednesdays, but it’s something. I think it’s going to help in the long run.

Dad likes D, and D likes sports, so they’ll get along.

Moving on…

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She wouldn’t diagnose me with PTSD even though I think I could have it, but she put me on Zoloft because she said it’s clear I have severe anxiety and depression, especially after I admitted to suicidal ideation. Zoloft treats things like anxiety, depression, ptsd and pmdd, so I think I’m covered there. She’s aware that my symptoms went away when my dad was gone in the rehab facility and that he’s the cause of it all, but because I can’t leave she felt it was best for me to get on meds so I can at least function again.

I took my first dose today and I intend to document my journey. Depression is nothing like I thought it was. It wants me to not care, wants me to think nobody else cares, wants me to stay silent, wants me to shrivel up, and sometimes I rage so hard I scare everybody around me.

But it wants me silent. I decided to talk instead.

The meds won’t show any change for a few weeks, so I don’t know what to expect or if I’ll notice a difference. So taking videos can also be a way to measure the changes. Most of my videos will probably be long and rambly because I’m incapable of being concise when I talk. Sorry.

I’m fighting for my life here and I’m scared.

Link under a cut so it doesn’t get pulled out of tags.

[marchtomydrums]

Never-ending cycle

Wilhelmina Venable x Ally Mayfair Richards x Diane Sherman x Reader

Reader’s POV:

Here we go again the never-ending cycle of doom. Although I thought those days were over. I thought we finally had it under control but I guess that’s why it’s called never ending. I’ve been like this my whole life… up and down. Happy to sad in a blink of an eye. A rollercoaster of emotions constantly floating around.

If it’s not the ups and downs of my emotions it’s the constant voices and thoughts in my head. Telling me to check the locks three times. Hold your breath. Are you sure you want to eat that? Or the most favorite of them all is No One Loves You!

Yes, this is all normal to me but I thought we figured it out. I thought I was getting better. A couple of months ago Diane and Ally both sat down with me and said maybe I should think about getting on medications for my anxiety and depression. I usually fought them on this topic but recently I’ve felt this battle was too much for me to carry alone so I agreed. Wilhelmina told me to make sure this was something that I wanted and to not let them bully me into it but I assured her I wanted this too.

So after a couple of tries of different anxiety medications and adding in some depression meds I’ve been on a high for the last month. I felt so good in the beginning, the best I’ve felt in a long time. My mind was quiet, my body was full of energy. I felt happy. This didn’t go unnoticed by my girlfriends and they were extremely supportive and happy for me. I felt good for once and I was so happy that by me being okay I also brought joy to them.

Here we are now two months in I feel like I’ve been dropped off the Empire State Building. I’m so exhausted, sad, and drained. I’ve felt so low these last few days and now it’s been weeks. I’m extremely moody and I’ve noticed my anxiety is back with a vengeance. I thought this was over.

“ Of course it isn’t you stupid girl. You thought you’d be okay? You? You’ll never be okay. You’re worthless. You’re a burden. Did you check your locks? Where is your life going? You’re a disappointment. You will be alone for the rest of your life! They will never love you! “

The voices echoed through my mind.

“I can’t take this anymore” I whispered to myself as I got out of bed.

I’ve been in this bed for hours. Ally and Diane tried to get me to come downstairs with them but I refused. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. At first, they tried to be understanding and just thought I was going through a phase but now they’re worried. But their worried expressions and soothing voices piss me off. Why can’t they just let me rot?

Wilhelmina however has not been so understanding and this morning let her frustration known.

“You can’t just stay in this bed all day y/n!” She shouts at me.

“Wilhelmina please she’s sick,” Diane whispered.

“She has to push through it. She can’t just give up.” Wilhelmina shouts back.

“Stop it!” Ally shouts between them.

“This isn’t helping.” She adds.

They all went back and forth as you tuned them out. This was your fault. You did this. Now they’re turning on each other. You couldn’t be bothered though. It wasn’t until the voices got so loud that I couldn’t take it anymore. I rose from the bed in search of comfort. In search of the one person I knew could scare anyone away. Imaginary or not.

I stood in front of the office door knocking on it slightly.

“Come in.” The voice said.

I open the door closing it softly behind me and standing awkwardly until she notices.

“Little one?” She called out.

“Mina.” I choked out as my words got caught in my throat.

She sighs as she opens her arms out to me.

“Come here, baby.”

I scrambled to her open arms, not caring how childlike I seemed at this moment. I just need her. I need her to make it all go away.

“It’s bad Mina.” I cried holding on to her tightly afraid she would disappear.

“I know.”

“I can’t do this. I need help.” I cried.

“I know baby. We will help you. I’m sorry I snapped at you.” She added kissing my forehead.

“I’m letting you down.” I cried louder.

She shakes her head vigorously as she rocks me back and forth “Never. You could never let me down.”

“I’m sorry.” I cried.

“It’s okay my love sleep. I’ve got you. I will never let you go.” She whispered the words slowly dying out as exhaustion creeps into me.

A month later I’m feeling better. My meds have been adjusted once again. I started therapy once a week and I’m keeping my mind busy with hobbies, my studies, self-care, and my girlfriends. Diane and Ally are quick to remind me that unfortunately, I may need to adjust my medications again and that it’s okay. Needing adjustments does not equal failure. Needing help isn’t weak. Needing comfort and love isn’t a burden. Mina has always stayed by my side throughout this process knowing that she is my comfort from the big bad world. A role she holds like a badge of honor. I’ve never had the support system I have now and I truly feel that will make all the difference and maybe this cycle will finally come to some sort of an end.

[puzzledmemories]

((hi. um. i disappeared for a couple weeks. i did not mean to disappear for a couple weeks.))

((i'm very sorry. the fatigue just was not letting up on me after i was sick. i've barely done anything outside of work, haven't touched my computer a whole ton, i've been helping train people at work, i've spent most of the time i disappeared resting, i was also super depressed for a good chunk of it, and really stressful things were happening at work and kinda still are which drains me. and now i feel super anxious coming back because i'm worried people are gonna be mad i disappeared, which i feel bad about. i've been trying to get myself to post back on here that i'm back and start being active again for about 24 hours.))

((the fog in my brain finally cleared up most of the way for me on Monday (the 23rd). I also had a lot to do on Monday, a lot of taking care of my physical health things. and i had a lot to do after work today, too. Which Has Improved My Mood and Given Me More Energy, but also wore me out. i feel like i finally have thoughts in my head again and can think and am capable of writing! but also it's 2 AM so i'm going to try to be back on tomorrow because i need to sleep soon.))

((i've seen that i have a lot in my inbox, and i know i had that magic anon with shark going... i'll continue threads with that if people are interested in it, and i'll "finish it out" the way i originally planned to. and if people wanna start new threads with that magic anon in the next few days i'm also good with that. i have other magic anons in my inbox but i'm not sure if i should be touching those right away or not. that's just my anxiety yelling at me.))

((i'll reply to threads i had ongoing too, but if anyone wants to drop any of them bc it's been a minute, that's totally fine, no one should be blamed for that and i won't be upset over it or anything. rp's all about fun and we should do the things that are fun and if something doesn't feel fun anymore then it's all good to move on to something else. i really really need to respond to dms too, because i've barely touched those, either. idk if i'll be able to poke on at work at all tomorrow but i really really want to respond to people.))

((my brain just kind of shut off and communication was really painful in the sense that being on my computer was. hard and bothering me. it's not so bad now.))

((i'm gonna commit to start being on here again tomorrow though, and really try hard to hold myself to it, i've missed everyone on here so much and i've thought about you all lots. sorry for long post, i felt it was warranted after kinda disappearing, though...i'm sorry about that, i just really wasn't well for a bit))

[aphrodite1288]

im sorry but saying ksoo never said Ji about his premature enlistment is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. I mean that's something he didn't decide a week before his enlistment it might be imposible for Ji not knowing that. If that's true which I think it's not the case I directly broke up with him like that's not a decision you make alone if u are in a long term relationship

First of all guys whom are Non-Kaisooists, I saw Kadi kissing and going on Vacations in Spain, Hungary, Hawaii, L.A, Philippines and Jeju, and in Sapporo and Osaka, you will not affect me or change my mind with your asks. So spear yourself the effort and don't come here if our blog irritates you! What you believe keep it for yourself no need to come convince us what you believe. Do I make you this Angry that you had to come anonymously send such dumb questions?

So back to the main topic:

If you were a real EXOL you would know EXO said Ksoo came to them without any notice and said I'm going to be enlisted in 2 months and it was in April and they clearly said they were shocked all of them when he announced that he applied for the Military and signed all the paperwork and done some of the medical checkups.

And Honey, I didn't say it ! It's the People who know better than me and you said.

The members also said he told them nonchalantly as if it wasn't a big deal. He didn't even discuss it with the company to reschedule any future projects because simply he has had enough of SM and he sabotaged them his own way. And the members said they were all so supportive.

And Ji was there with them and after Ksoo's enlistment Ji went absent for two months straight no bubble messages no Instagram lives nothing he went disappearing. under the excuse that he forgot his password. After that he was so depressed and sad and shortly before SuperM's debut he came on RadioStar show and revealed he suffered from Depression the past few months which explains his absence , he also said he is seeking medical help with a therapist!

And I still remember the MC shamelessly and Rudely asked Suho if he knew about this and him and the members were all so taken aback and they showed sad expression and that Stupid MC again shamelessly told Suho : "Did you know about your member was mentally exhausted and depressed? You Should be more attentive to your members'mental health!!" and Suho was so embarrassed and hurt that he apologized to Jongin and told him " I'll pay more attention to you and the members from now on and always come to Hyung whenever you feel like you need to talk, don't hide it". Because Ji clearly said he didn't tell any member that he was in deep depression or that he was regularly seeing a Therapist.

And it was a very critical Kadi period that he went for hiatus for two months and even earlier that year in 2019 after jenkai, Ksoo fought with SM and was reported to have left the company remember March 13th 2019?? (if you were in this blog since 2019 they talked a lot about this and explained everything regarding how Jenkai is related to Ksoo's case with SM and how it affaceted Kadi and Ji). Ksoo went missing since Jenkai exactly since January 5th when he was seen in Blue dragon awards show or whatever I don't remember the name, until his enlistment day July 1st, he was ABSENT. AKsoo took a long vacation refusing to be on any Schedule and refused to film Underdogs2 and refused all Acting projects and even refused to be on any Exo schedule as he was in a major mental health crisis and he even filed a lawsuit saying he was being overworked for 7 years with 0 off days unlike the other members, it was his first vacation since he debuted and SM only gave him 7 days vacation in 7 years and he talked about it in The 100Days Husband Press Conference and Booklet ,it's one of the main reasons he wanted to leave which is why the rumor dropped in March 2019, it was reported that he wanted all the accumulated Vacations since 2012 SM wanted to rob from him! Which is why he went missing for 6 months and we saw him going to Japan 3 times with Chanyeol in February remember? Also Baekhyun said he met Ksoo accidentally in Japan and they had a meal together. At that time Ji went to Philippines with his friends. This time Kadi were on a break from each other. And Ji didn't speak to Ksoo and there were no sightings of the both of them together anywhere and Ksoo didn't stay with Ji at all and they weren't even on talking terms.

Every couple have downfalls like this it's normal. We all almost broke up or even broken up with our partners at one point of our lives. Especially if you're in over a decade relationship of almost 14 years.

Anyway the story is too long. I can explain it all if you DM me instead of Hiding like this.

[levis-coffeecup]

chapter 27| Forgotten Flowers

WC-7.3k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Heyyyy

Sorry for disappearing for 2 weeks without saying anything 🤡.

I had to look for a house, and work was also really busyy, so I didn't have the time to work on the fic. But my apologies for not updating again!

This chapter has a lot of time skips, so do keep the dates in mind to understand the timeline better. Also the last chapter ended with Levi going for the Mission to Reclaim Shinghansina, so this chapter will be more about post season 3 scenes, and season 4 timeskip stuff.

I hope you enjoyyy! Would love to know your feedback in the comments. Song for this chapter is Happiness by Orange Rex Country

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

AUG 850

Maria has been reclaimed, and the people of Paradis rejoice. Throwing flower petals at the 8 remaining members of the Survey Corps.

This is the first time they have been welcomed this way. And this is the first time they have ever won. But Levi feels nothing close to victorious, as he tredges down the streets of Trost.

His feet ache, and the crowd cheers. 

Silently he suffocates in the praises people sing of him.

For he has returned, not a valiant warrior, but a wimp who couldn’t even complete the promise he made to his dying commander.

The sound of the creaking wagons behind him is loud amidst the cheer. Erwin rests there, and so do Moblit, Marlo and many others. They couldn’t even get most of the bodies back, because of the shortage of carts.

And Levi has always been a part of their death, but this time, all responsibility falls on him. It was his decision to let his comrades march to death. It was his incompetence that let the beast titan slip away.

And now his shoulders can’t help but quake. For he has returned with unfathomable grief, and the weight of the entire survey corps on his head.

The loudness of the crowd, and the silence of his sadness are all too overwhelming. And Levi sighs, wondering if the heaviness in his heart will ever recede.

Hange agrees to take his horse back to the base. And Levi pushes through the people on the street, struggling to maintain the impertinent scowl that always rests on his face. 

Soon his tired eyes meet the beautiful brown of hers. 

She’s standing at the doorstep of their house. So grateful that he’s come back alive.

His breath quivers. It feels like it took him hours to reach her, as if he was walking in an endless circle. 

“Levi,” her voice is one of love. She takes a step closer to him. Studying his body, smeared with victor’s blood. And he’s tried to hold it all in for so so long. But he’s home now, he can’t help but let his emotions crack through the mask.

“Levi…,” she puts a hand on his cheek, trying to elicit a reaction from him. 

A few seconds pass by, thick in silence and then he lunges forward towards her.  His arms encircling around her waist as he buries his face into the crook of her neck.

And she gasps, as she feels the slight tremor in his frame. 

He reeks. Of sweat, of blood. Of death, of failure. And she can’t help but pull him closer, hoping that if she holds him tighter, it brings back all his pieces together.

She doesn’t know what he’s been through. And she doesn’t know what hurt him so bad, that he dares to hug her when they’re still standing at the doorsteps of their home.

But she wants to tell him that everything will be alright, and that he’s amazing. She knows he’s trying his best, and he’s fought to the best of his abilities in the mission as well.

But Levi always pushes her away.

Too proud to show his weakness. Too frightened to discuss his vulnerabilities. And Mae knows that he probably wants to pretend like he’s all alone. That he’s not breaking down like this in front of her.

The people around stop and stare. It’s not everyday that you see a man seek comfort out in public, much less Humanity’s Strongest. 

And so Mae pulls him inside the house, away from the eyes that gawk during his times of weakness. She makes him sit on the sofa, so she gets the freedom to kiss his misery away.

 “Levi, I’ve run a warm bath for you.” She speaks and Levi hums, thoughtlessly. 

His brain has stopped working, or maybe he’s forcing it to shut. Not having the strength to face its never ending cynicism. 

And so he lets her guide him to the bathroom. He lets her undress him and press a kiss on the new scar on his temple. 

The warm water feels faintly welcoming. And as Levi dips himself in the bathtub, Mae sits on the platform behind him.

For a moment the only thing that remains is the stillness of the water, and the shell of the person Levi once used to be. Quaintly numb and horribly devastated.

The world hasn’t been gentle enough with him.

And so Mae lights a few scented candles around, hoping he doesn’t forget about the beautiful things in life.

It’s painfully domestic, and surprisingly Levi doesn’t complain. It's not like him to tolerate her presence when he’s so emotionally wrecked. Usually he gets snappy and pushes her away.

But this time his eyes are pleading to her. Asking her to stay.

And so she takes her time to wash him and his sins away. With gentle eyes, gentler fingertips and the gentlest lips.

And he gives in.

He gives in to her, as she lather soap around his shoulders. He gives in to her kind touches as she splashes warm water across his back.  It makes him feel so loved and cherished, as if he’s a person who can still be accepted. 

His eyes flutter shut, and he lets her find himself in places he’s never been in before. Vulnerable and naked, whilst she remains clothed behind him.

Her touches find his trembling skin. His bloodied hands that still quake under the weight of his regrets. And her lips find the souvenirs of war on his skin, scourged and engraved against his body. She tries to be the softest there, kissing all the spots where he’s been stabbed and hurt before.

When she looks up at him, his eyes are a crumbling shade of gray. And she sees the way he thinks he is a disgusting weakling. Nothing but a failure who couldn’t do anything.

And she dares to tell him that she loves him exactly the way he is. His scars, his bruises, and his battered soul that has been broken once again. 

She dares to tell him that he’ll always be so much more beautiful than all his downfalls. 

And Levi finds it easier to cry when water is already streaming down his face. He finds it easier to cry when Mae is sitting behind him, with her lips hovering over the sensitive skin of his neck.

He pivots and wraps his arms around her clothed back, keeping his head on her lap.

And Mae begins to comb his hair with her fingers. Making sure the shampoo has been washed off.

His eyes flutter close in surrender. He wonders how he got here? And how did he seek comfort in another person?

He has asked these questions to himself a million times before, and he still doesn’t have an answer.. 

But he likes to think that the universe gifted her to him. Maybe to compensate for all the people it has taken away from him. Maybe to restore his faith.

That she was supposed to help him grow, and become a better person. And he was born to rest beside her, with his head on her lap and his heart filled with love.

______________________________

FEB 851

Erwin stands tall amidst the oak trees planted in the City Square.

The forelegs of his horse are raised and his face is contorted in rage. His sword yields high, and his other hand is firm, fisted against his chest. A testament of his strength and will, as he carries his cadets into the storm of conflict.

The details of his face are set in stone . And dedicate your heart is etched in bold, right below it.

Needless to say, he looks glorious.

And Levi looks at his statue, with a distant look on his face. 

The glory was never worth the carnage, and the war was never about bravery, it was about horror.  And Mae sighs as her gaze lingers on Levi.

He came back to her in ruins, and she has tried awfully hard to piece him back together. But sometimes he still drifts off to a place, unreachable./ on some days, she still sees him crumble under the weight of his vows.

She wraps her hand around his wrist and tugs his arm.

“You were taking me to some market, weren't you?” Her sweet voice pulls him out of his thoughts. His features soften. And he lets her bring peace to him.

2 years have passed since the mission to Reclaim Singhansina. And the revelations in Eren’s basement have changed the trajectory for humanity. Or what they thought was the entire human race.

Turns out the entire world is against them.

Yet fortunately, some allies have also been found. 

And with the help of the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers and the Azumabitos, Paradis is developing wonderfully. Train tracks are being built and strategies to secure the future are also being concocted.

Titans are no longer something people are scared off. And long gone are those days when soldiers would sacrifice their lives to kill mindless titans.

Things have been peaceful. 

And the streets of Mitras look prosperous as ever. With the colorful bougainvilleas planted to the side of the cobblestone path.

“I still remember the day I came to Mitras…,”Mae recalls scornfully. “ They laughed at the dresses I wanted to sell, you know? It was so humiliating.”

And life has changed so much since then. 

Mae's clinic has become one of the best in Trost. The line of patients is always long, and she works day and night. More of a workaholic than Levi now.

“I didn't even make enough money to save my parents.” A frown plays on her lips. There are days when old wounds resurface for her as well, sometimes triggered by the randomest of things.

“But you are doing so much better now… aren’t you?” Levi rebuttals with her thoughts, his voice soft. “Not to mention that you earn way more than me. And you’ve managed to save quite a huge amount.”

A genuine smile lights up Mae’s face. And her sun-creased eyes crinkle on the side. Getting praise from Levi still feels amazing. Because it's always genuine

“We've come far…” she affirms. ”We should be proud.”

And Levi’s fingers trail down her forearm, till they reach her palm. Their fingers intertwine, and he holds her hand in a soft grip.

The entrance of the market speaks a ton about its class. There’s a huge wooden arch built at the entrance. Fresh lilies dangle down from it, spreading an aroma that could captivate anyone passing by.

Carriages of the nobles are parked adjacent to it, stacked in a neat line, and chauffeurs stand outside, bored by the wait. The military police crowds around the gates, guarding it with astonishing discipline.

And Mae gasps, taken aback by the grandiose of the market. 

The stalls are decorated with frilled tablecloths, and fragrant flowers are twirled around the pillars. A shop even sells small souvenirs of the railway trains that are being made. And there is seafood too, a special cuisine from the land of Marley.

Unlike most markets, this one isn’t loud. Ladies laugh, in their poised, practiced laugh. And the men speak in their fancy accent.

It makes Levi crinkle his nose. "Well, this place reeks of pretentiousness. I bet none of these swines could survive a day outside their fancy walls."

And Mae chuckles a little. “I'm surprised you wanted to come here of all places, Levi. You’ve always hated the nobility. “

“But I know you like fancy ass places.” Levi comments with nonchalance. His eyes land on a fashion boutique to his far right. Dainty, feminine dresses are placed on display, visible through the large glass facade.

And Levi doesn’t hesitate a second, before leading Mae to the shop.

Soon they step inside, and Mae’s eyes grow wide in awe. It doesn’t take long for her to slip her fingers out of his hand, and sashay around. 

The store is as huge as the conference room at the Survey Corps. Tall wooden cabinets break the area into several aisles and the shelves are stocked with all kinds of fancy fabrics and clothes.

Much to Levi’s liking, there aren’t many people inside. And he strolls around, watching the wide collection of opulent garments.

His attention lands on a beautiful shade of peach that stands out in the pile of clothes stacked in the compartments. And he pulls it out to see the whole dress.

The fitted bodice is adorned with delicate details of lace. Its puffy sleeves are made of mesh, attached in line with the sweetheart neckline. And the skirt below is airy and voluminous, with layers of organza to add fluffiness.

Mae falls in love with it as soon as her eyes land on it. “That seems like something a princess would wear,” she gapes, as she ushers closer towards it.

There's another dress in her hand. A white one made of silk. And Levi feels a lump growing in the middle of his throat as he looks at it. “This dress looks so similar to what your dad made for your 18th birthday.” 

And Mae nods, blinking away the stinging sensation in her eyes. “I always felt so guilty about selling that dress off, especially when it didn’t help me save either of them... But this feels like the universe is giving me another chance.”

And Levi’s smiles as he imagines her in all white. With satin bows on the bodice, and her skirt twirling around with every movement she makes. He's always wondered what she would look like in it, since it was her favorite dress.

He places his hand on the small of her back and he leads her to the front of the store. “Let’s get it then.” 

And Mae hums as she turns to the shopkeeper.

But all her wishes come crashing down when she hears the price.

Her jaw drops and the silence that falls next is deafening.

The amount is beyond her imagination. For a moment she had truly forgotten how expensive this market was supposed to be.

“Should I pack it for you?” the shopkeeper asks with a practiced smile.

“NO,” her answer is immediate. And then she plasters a sweet smile as she keeps the dresses on the counter. But before she can march towards the exit, Levi grabs her wrist and drags her behind a shelf, where it’s just the two of them.

His brows furrow, and his eyes bore into hers. “Do you not like them?” He asks with all seriousness.

And Mae’s gaze flicks to the floor. 

“It’s too expensive,” she mumbles. ”Now that I think about it, father wouldn’t want me to pay 3 times more for a dress that he made for free… I’d rather save that money.” She tries to convince herself.

But Levi doesn’t miss the subtle frown pulling on her lips.

“That’s fair…” He ponders for a moment. “But I don’t think your father would disapprove of me getting the dresses for you.”

And for a moment, all Mae can do is stand in shock.  Her lips part, and her eyes grow wide with bewilderment. “You can’t buy me those dresses, Levi.” She crosses her arms in front of his chest. 

“Any why not?”

“Because I earn way more than you, and no way am I going to let you buy even o-.”

He cuts her off by keeping a finger on the plush of her lips. His eyes trail from her mouth to her eyes. And he holds her in his gaze for a moment.

The months after the Return to Shinghasina were so hard. Hell chased Levi back from the battleground. And he found himself falling in an endless pit of horrors. Again and again. Over and over.

And throughout his battles with his own mind, Mae remained awfully patient. 

He’d snap at her, still annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t save his comrades from the massacre by the beast titan.

He’d sit sad and dejected, crumbling under the weight of his vows. And she would look at him in pain, not knowing how to help him. 

He would refuse her touch, sleeping on the edge of the bed, believing that he didn’t deserve it. And she would watch the war consume.

But not once did she raise her voice at him. Her gentleness with him was constant, no matter how difficult he was being.

And it's only the love she has shown him in the past few months that has made him accept himself again. 

“Just because you earn more than me, doesn’t mean I can’t treat you.” He hooks his hand under her chin, lifting her face up so he can meet her gaze. 

“Silly girl,” His voice comes out exceptionally soft. 

He can never put into words how grateful he is to have her and so he presses a quick kiss on her lips. Hoping it does half of the job.

And Mae gawks, unable to recognize the man in front of her. He’s kissing her in the back of a store, holding her hand as they walk through the road. Ready to spend a month's salary on a dress she desires.

This is not the practical man she fell in love with.

But whatever it is, she feels loved and cherished.

“Are you sure, Levi? I won’t judge if you want to chicken out at any moment… It's a huge amount.” She tries to dapper her excitement by acting modest.

But he just nods. She’s worth so much more than the dress he’s about to buy. And unfortunately, it’s all Levi can’t afford at the moment. He hopes he can give her the world one day.

They walk back to the front of the store and the shopkeeper greets them with a smile again.

“The price might have thrown you off guard but both of them are from an exclusive couture collection.“ He goes off as he lays both the dresses on the counter. “Although we can surely find something cheaper for the lady.”

“Cut the crap-” Levi barges. “We’re purchasing it.”

And Mae taps her chin. The sweetness of the moment makes her heart melt a bit.

“I can’t decide which one to get though,” she mumbles, biting her lip. “The peach one definitely excites me more, since I’ve never worn something like that, but the white one really reminds me of my dad. And a part of me will feel guilty if I pick another dress over what my dad made.”

“Well… Levi's voice drawls. “If you’re feeling so conflicted …I can decide for you if you want.” 

And there’s not an ounce of hesitation in his voice as he turns to the shopkeeper and says,  “we’ll be purchasing both of them.”

Mae gasps, and then she nudges at his side, fazed. But he just blinks at her, as if everything is alright. Slowly her eyes light up like that of a little child, and he wishes he could pause the moment.

He is quick to hand out the cash, as if he’s been preparing for this moment all his life. 

And Mae’s cheeks turn flush, as the shopkeeper packs the dresses and hands them to Levi. For a moment she feels too flustered to string a coherent sentence. And it’s only when they’ve stepped out of the store does she speak again.

“I almost drained your entire wallet.” She coyly stumbles over her words. “But thanks Levi, I appreciate it a lot! “

“Tch, stop acting like a formal, snobby brat.” He grunts, but his eyes glint with fondness.

They step into the busy streets again, and Levi's hand lands on the small of her back. Ensuring that he doesn't lose her in the crowd of the market.

The section they enter next is gleaming with gold on every fixture. Intricate necklaces studded with gems are on display at every corner. And mannequins are decorated with accessories that only royals could sport. 

The security is tighter here, and Levi’s sure all the jewelry is made of pure gold.

“I’m so excited to wear these dresses, Levi!” Mae squeals .

H er energy spills out in waves of enthusiasm, and she walks with a slight hop in her step. 

Levi finds her rather cute in her childlike excitement.

“I can’t tell you how grateful I’m feeling right now. I’ll wear the peach dress for a date, we’ll have a romantic dinner on the terrace where we’ll slow dance under the stars… and the white one would be perfect for a picnic.”

And Levi chews the inside of his cheeks. Baffled that she’s still so excited to spend time with him. After years of being together. Instead, he decides to focus on the elaborate displays of jewelry to stop the blush creeping up on his cheeks. 

The sight around him is a manifestation of the luxury and opulence that corrupts this world. It’s something Levi hates, since he’s seen how bad the other side is. He sighs.

Every piece of jewelry is sparkling, and intricate. But they all look the same, with the same stones, the same metal. The nobles are always decked with these. And Levi has met enough thanks to the galas Erwin made him attend to secure funding for the Survey Corps.

“Any of these catch your interest?” He drones, as they walk past the largest stall that stands in the center of the section. 

And Mae points her finger towards a ring that's kept in a small glass box. “That looks pretty,” she comments casually.

Oddly enough, Levi can’t recognise the gemstone. It’s a smooth sphere, cream coloured with an iridescent surface that shimmers in various soft hues.

He steps towards it. Inspecting it closer. The gem is like nothing he’s seen before, 

It’s softer, white, pure and luminous, just like Mae. 

“It does… it’s absolutely gorgeous.” He’s besotted the moment he looks at it. 

The previous customer standing at the stall leaves, and the Vendor turns his attention towards Levi. His eyes glint with excitement. “You’re Humanities Strongest, right?” 

And Levi hums. It’s common for him to be recognised these days.

“Well, what you’re looking at is not a gemstone… It’s all thanks to you actually… the Survey Corps.…” The vendor opens the glass case, and hands the ring to Levi. “It’s a pearl, a gem from the sea.” 

“I see.” Levi takes it in his hand and examines it closer. The surface is smooth and lustrous, but it’s not loud like that of a diamond. ”Must be fairly expensive.”

“It's the most expensive product in this section for sure. ” The vendor chimes.“ It's the most beautiful wedding ring ever made in our studio!”  

He extends his hand forward, taking back the ring from Levi’s grasp. “Unfortunately it's not up for sale.” 

Levi raises his bow at that, and the vendor continues.

“It's a custom wedding ring made for the Franz family. It’s only up for display… I can make one for you if you’d like though.” The vendor goes on, and Mae looks at Levi, not understanding why he is taking part in such a futile conversation.

She steps closer to him and tugs at his sleeve. 

“Let’s go Levi, we have no use for a wedding ring.” All the wedding rings around makes her want to hurl, but she manages to mask the bitterness in her heart.

And Levi throws the ring a final glance, before he decides to walk away as well.

Moments later they are laying on grass and watching the sunset.

It’s a quiet garden just outside the orphanage made for the Underground kids. 

The grass is lush, and Levi closes his eyes as a gentle breeze blows by them.

His lithe eyebrows are slightly disheveled but relaxed. And in the outer corner of his eye, there are faint lines that mark all the years he’s spent on this land so far. Time has flown by very fast.

And Mae longs after him in silence. 

She’s pampered him so much that he has put on a bit of weight. His thighs have become soft, and his cheeks are much more rounder now. He looks cute, she thinks to herself. This is probably what Levi looked like as a child, with the pudgiest of cheeks.

Ever since the Survey Corps headquarters got shifted to the coast of Paradis, Levi has been spending all of his weekends at home. Trost is convenient to go to the coast, and after Levi got to stay with Mae in the 3 month break after the Battle of Shiganshina, he realized there’s no place he would rather be than next to her.

And so he races back to home, Whether it’s from a long eventful week filled with meetings or a trip to the interior. Every Friday night he’s next to her, with his head on her lap. In the only home he’s ever known.

And Mae, too, finds the house extremely quiet without him, even though Levi hardly makes any noise.

Loving him has become a habit now. It comes easily, From cleaning extra hard, when he comes back home, to understanding the subtlety of his love. 

His presence has almost become like the air that she lives on. Something not noticed when everything is perfectly normal. But something that suffocates her when she feels his absence.

“Why are you staring at me instead of the sunset Mae?” Levi doesn’t open his eyes, but he can feel her gaze burning his side.

And Mae bites her lip at his question. A little uncertain

“Levi… “ Her voice comes out hesitant. “You bought me these dresses today, and made me feel so loved, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’re staying with me out of convenience?”

Levi’s eyes flutter open and he turns to his side, facing her. 

“ Am I just a habit now?” She chokes, her voice getting caught in her throat. “ Do you not find me beautiful anymore?”

And Levi falls silent, as he looks at her longer. Beautiful is too weak of a word.

“No, not at all… why would you ever think that.” Levi places his hand on her cheek, And then a tint of pink dusts his cheeks as he mumbles, “ I know I don’t say it enough, but I'm grateful to have you.”

“Then…” Mae falters and exhaustion drags through her voice. “Then why wouldn’t you just marry me? 

Tears well up in the corners of her eyes. “We’ve known each other for 8 years… and we’ve been in a relationship for 6, I’ve stayed by your side through whatever the world has put us through. I… I don’t know how else I should prove my love towards you?”

And Levi looks at her, at a loss for words. She doesn't need to prove anything to him… He knows she loves him. He knows she loves him with all her heart.

Her voice cracks, heavy with emotion, but she continues. “I don’t understand where the problem is? We do everything that married couples do… We make love, we manage finances. And we’ve also been living together ever since the Survey Corps headquarters got shifted to the outskirts of Paradis.” Her lips quiver, and she tries to suppress her sobs. 

But he sees her pain reflect in her orbs.

She’s his peace, in this cruel, chaotic life. But when he looks behind her, the world is still in chaos.

There’s a war out there waiting for him. And if he doesn’t go out and fight it, this world might dangle on the brink of destruction again

“It’s not you Mae…” His voice trails out. “I just don’t see the point in marriage…. I mean we know what we have, so is there any need to bring law into it? And let everyone know of something that’s so private?” 

“B-but Levi…,” she refutes quietly. “ I’ve always dreamt of getting married… I’ve always dreamt of getting married to you. Can’t you let your beliefs slide for me? I’m hitting my 30’s… and all my friends are married. Every time I meet someone they ask me when I plan to get married… And it’s humiliating to tell them that I've been with someone for 6 years, and that someone is still not ready to marry me.….Sometimes I feel like you just don’t love me anymore.”

Love, the word repeats in Levi’s subconscious.

He loved her when she was just a scarred apprentice, attempting to find her place in a world where she has lost everyone. He loved her when he became Humanity's Strongest and when she became a measly waitress in a tavern.  He loved her despite knowing how fragile their relationship was, and how easily this world could break it apart.

And yet, he still loves her now, as he looks at her tearstruck eyes, asking him why he wouldn’t marry her. But he loves her a little too much to make a widow out of her

And Levi knows he’s fighting a battle that isn’t his. Maybe if this had happened right after he lost Isabel and Farlan, he would have left the Survey Corps and run away with her.

But too many lives have been lost now. He’s made promises to keep and his wounds run too deep. He can’t back out of the war.

And even though things are placid now, this peace is just a temporary illusion. A brief reprieve that’s only meant to be broken. 

Because war will come again, knocking on his door. And Levi will be forced to choose between his duty as Humanity’s Strongest and Mae.

His fingertips find its way to her face. Her brows are wrinkled in frustration, and his touch  hovers over it. Slowly the lines ease away.

Mae closes her eyes as his feather light touches follow the arch of her eyebrow. And Levi finds it easier to mask the yearning on his face when Mae is not looking at him.

Only he knows how he wants to take her hand, and run away, somewhere far away in some secluded cottage. Just the two of them, with their little kids. He wouldn’t mind if they take more from her, than from him.

Yes he doesn’t believe in marriage, but he doesn’t mind if it makes her life more peaceful.

But peace might only find him in the form of death, before it ever touches the rest of the world.

“The world is too unpredictable right now.” His tone is assertive. It’s a statement not something that is up for discussion.

And once again Levi succeeds in trampling his desires. The mask he always wears, materializes all over. Now his heart is tucked away, somewhere safer, in a dark and distant part.

He has to keep his head over his heart. Even when he falters, even when he trips, he has to be strong.

But when Levi's eyes meet the sorrow in hers, he can’t help but feel like a useless person. “I'm so sorry sweetheart.” he sounds remorseful, “You’re not the problem, I promise…It’s me who’s not able to give you want.”

She shifts closer to him, desperate to feel his presence. And his arms wound tight around her waist as they embrace the path that destiny has set out for them.

Levi loves humanity a little too much to leave it abandoned. And Mae loves Levi as much as he loves humanity. The path set out for them has more agony than happiness.

The sun drowns under the horizon. And they drink up their misery, looking forward to death together.

______________________________

DEC 853

The first ray of dawn only brings sadness to the town.

Levi lays on the bed in a nonchalant state of humaneness. Hair messily falling on his face, tousled by the pillow underneath him. Some stubble on his chin, and his half-draped body naked under the sheets that cover him. 

He looks sublime. So beautifully human.

And Mae can’t help but take a seat on the bed, lean over and capture him with a kiss.

That’s all they do for a while. Kiss, embrace, with her fingers entangling into his hair. Heaven only breaks when her tears finally slip in. Leaving a salty aftertaste on his lips.

He catches the glimmer in her eyes, as she pulls away. And Mae tries her best to conceal her grief in the rush of her actions. But it’s Levi after all, he could never miss the slight tremor in her shoulders as she wears the dress that lays discarded on the floor.

It feels like Mae is spending all her efforts to stay away from. He steps into the kitchen, and she turns the other way to drink water. He leans closer, trying to kiss the top of her head, and she pushes away, telling him she needs to take a shit.

It’s only during breakfast that he properly gets to see her face. 

Her eyelids are swollen, double the size of what they usually are. And her eyes are masked in a sheer layer of moisture, threatening to spill out any second.

“You were up early.” He questions, testing the waters.

“Yeah… couldn’t get much sleep” Her voice comes out hoarse. And her gaze doesn’t leave the egg that she’s frying on the pan. He can tell she’s been crying for hours. 

Levi leaves again, today.

He’s going to the enemy nation. It's not brainless titans that he has mastered slaughtering. It's a whole new country with technology far greater than theirs, and a population that hates their race, for merely existing.

And even though Levi’s been on a hundred missions before. Something about this mission makes Mae stomach churn. Like everything is going to go wrong.

But what's left to say. Levi is going to put himself in danger, and Mae can do nothing to stop him.

And so she runs away from him again. Rushing to their room as soon as she puts the eggs on his plate. 

Her grief is loud in all the silence. And Levi feels a little anxious to find out the reason behind her suffering.

“Mae?” he calls out cautiously. Stepping into their room, as he finishes his breakfast.

But words don’t dare to leave her lips, instead she grabs his wrist.  Pulling him to where she has laid his clothes out for him.

And in the dim light of dawn, Mae dresses Levi up. 

She fastens the belt over his plants, and closes the buttons of his favorite white shirt. Her steady hands speak nothing of her trembling heart. 

She drapes the blazer over his broad, strong shoulders.

The air is too thick and the silence cuts like the edge of a dull blade.

And Mae tries to focus on the silken fabric of his tie rather than the pain of him leaving.

The navy brings out the blue in his eyes. 

Needless to say Levi looks gorgeous. His suit transforms him from her lover to a soldier bound to his promises.  And as Mae steps back to look at Levi, the tears that she’s trying to cage, come back with full force.

“It's been 7 years Levi… 7 years since we’ve been together… Can you believe it?” Her lips meld into a sad smile. “Time has passed away so quickly, hasn’t it? It feels like it was moments ago when I saw you sitting on that boulder, like an arrogant asshole… Who would have known I’d almost spend a decade with you.”

Levi smiles at her words. Tilting her head towards him, so that he can look at her. Their gazes lock, and a universe of shared memories and unspoken words pass through their minds. 

And as Mae gives his tie a final tug, her voice comes out so defeated. “I tried to keep up with you, you know? Walk at your pace, so I could be alongside you on every path you take... But you’re so much more stronger Levi, so much more faster. You are a force of nature that no one could ever stop.”

Her touches linger, laden with yearning. And the pain reflecting in her eyes makes it torturous for him to gaze into them.

He tries to shush her cries away by pressing a lingering kiss on the top of her head. Again and again, hoping the familiarity mulls her to a happier place.

“And now my legs are giving up, my bones are becoming weak. You're pacing forward and I’m slowing down… I- I’m afraid I’ll be left behind.“ Her voice quivers, and she breaks into shambles. “I was a fool to think I was strong enough to endure this?” 

And when he sees her like this, choking up on her own words. With her eyes swollen, and her lips trembling with heaving exhales. He feels his strength dwindling out as well.

“W-what are you trying to say sweetheart, I’m n-not able to understand it.” His voice comes out frail. “No one’s leaving you behind.”

Stay. Mae thinks, as she looks at him. Eyes filled with both love and torment. 

Time has weakened me, and I’m not the same young girl who could go months without meeting you just to see a glimpse of your face by the end of it. 

Stay, while I take a moment to catch my breath.

So she places both her hands on his cheeks, making sure they memorize every scar on his face. “C-can you hold me for some time… before you leave?” 

And how can Levi not give in?

He takes a seat on the edge of bed, with her positioned on his lap. 

She buries her head into his chest. And he encircles his arms around her waist. Rubbing long soothing strokes against her back.

But her tears don’t stop. No matter how many kisses he leaves on her face. 

He can only watch as her body rakes with sobs.

Half an hour passes away in mere seconds. 

But her grip only gets tighter. She cries harder. Forcing him to stay put. If he had the choice to stay he really would. It hurts to leave when she’s in so much distress. But life has never been kind enough to give him choices.

“You know I must go,” he speaks with sadness.

Her sobs get louder .

There are words on the very tip of her tongue that are dying to come out. But time is cruel as usual.

“5 m-minutes more p-please.” She turns on his lap, so that her back is pressed to his chest. Her fingers intertwine with all of his, and she leads his hands to the swell of her belly. Keeping it there, for the last few seconds she spends with him.

“I’m s-sorry… sweetheart.” His voice breaks. It hurts to be the cause of all her sadness. But the world outside is waking, and Levi can’t afford to stay on the sidelines for too long.

And so he forces himself away, knowing he physically won’t be able to separate himself from her if she still keeps holding onto him.

Gently he picks her from his lap, and places her on the bed. ”I’ll have to go now, I’ll miss my ship.” 

He tries to step away but thoughtlessly she catches his wrist.

“Levi….” She begs and he takes in a sharp breath . 

“Levi… I’ve loved y-you with everything I’ve had.” She speaks between her sobs. And her eyes look so lifeless, it makes Levi’s heartbreak.

“I know… I know.” He mutters as he takes steps closer, trying to comfort her. And she is quick to wrap her arms around his waist again, resting her head against his abdomen.

“So the next time, when you come back, you’ll come back only for me… No Survey Corps, no military, no politics, no Anti-Marleyan squad.” It's not an order, not even a desire. Her words hover on the brink of a desperate plea.

And he presses a lingering kiss on the top of her head, before he steps away and walks to the doorsteps.

Silence hangs like a bereaved soul, as Levi and Mae share a final kiss. “Take care of yourself,” He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. Pressing a kiss on her knuckles. 

And before he can hear the torment in her voice, he walks the other way. Knowing that he’ll never be able to leave if he catches a glimpse of her heartbroken face again.

She leans on the door frame, watching him slip away. The tears streaming down her face seem unstoppable. And t ime runs so painfully slow, it feels like she’ll have to relearn how to breathe again.

“Levi,” she calls out one last time . Her voice is forced into a low whisper, and he’s meters away from her . She begs the universe that he turns back.

And he does stop, chin jutting over his shoulder, face somber with emotion he wishes he could blink away.

And the both of them stand with their sadness. Wishing they had the time to complete all the talks that have been left incomplete. All the desires that have been left unfulfilled.

He flashes her a reassuring smile nevertheless.

And with the little strength that remains in her, she forces a smile as well. Hoping that if this is the last time Levi sees her in this lifetime, then his last memory of her is that of her smile.

Yet amidst the happiness they try to force, their eyes remain truthful, real and plain. A final sentiment shared between.

Don't forget to keep your promise .

Author's note:

Don't know how this chapter is tbh because it was really long to edit lol. But let me know what you think.

We're kinda near the end of the story tbh (I don't know if that is surprising hahah).

Also the whole dresses convo in scene 2 comes from Mae selling her dresses of in Chapter 5. (Just incase someone has forgotten because I'm taking too long to update these days)

Please don't forget to vote, if you enjoyed!

See you soon<3

[stargazingcarol]

Into the blue, out of the blue.

Part one: Into the blue.

CHAPTER 3

Pairing: Jake Lockley x reader, Marc Spector x reader, Steven Grant x reader

Summary: You meet your neighbor and you're pretty sure he's American. But why is it that the next times you see eachother he speaks in a British accent. As you keep meeting you start falling for Steven. And then he disappears for a while and he's back and he tells you about Marc. But he also tells you about Layla. You really like Steven but now he's kinda married? What now?

Trigger warnings for the series: mental health problems, angst with a happy ending, fluff, slowburn. (A/N: i may add more warnings as the fic procedes).

A/N: In this chapter we see a little bit more of readers...problems. the moon knight system is not the only one with mental health problems/trauma. If anyone has any questions about the story my askbox is always open! Thanks for reading and also i DON'T do taglists. Sorry about that!

Chapter 3

Was it normal for a pair of people to become friends so fast? You kept asking yourself that. Was it weird that you were neighbors? You tried to shake the feeling that being friends with your neighbor was weird. Dr Williams told you it was fine, that friendships start at the oddest of places. That had made you sigh and stop your overthinking most of the time, sometimes it started up again but her words came to the front of your mind like a lullaby and you nodded like she was there saying them to you in real time.

As much as Steven had wormed himself into your life in the past few weeks, you could also feel him distancing himself, unwillingly it seemed. Almost not even noticeable by him.

He was missing more and more friend dates and sometimes you could cover for him, as in, lying to him, but other times you couldn't.

And you had to witness Steven's face falling, turning sad, distressed, sour. You tried to cheer him up sometimes but most of the time you couldn't. You will talk and his mind will be elsewhere. And you knew by the distanced stare he had, away from you, sometimes behind you, or other times at your eyes but he wasn't there, he was somewhere else and it was a little weird. You had to snap your fingers to get his attention. He would smile awkwardly and you would bite your lip and before he could say he was sorry for zoning out you would go back to your story.

Maybe his bad sleeping habits were getting to him.

You loved talking to Steven. You seemed to have lots of stories throughout your life and Steven just seemed to have facts about random things. He was very smart but he didn't seem like he had lived a lot. Which was weird because he was older than you. But you didn't question it.

The rare times he talked about his life he would talk about his mum, how good she was, making him his favorite foods and helping him colour drawings. Those seemed to be stories mostly from his childhood, though. It wasn't much detail but you treasure it with your heart.

The last thing he told you about her was that she seemed to be traveling, she sent him postcards here and there, telling him about her travels and how much she loved him.

The things about friendships was that at some point you started doing domestic stuff.

When Steven didn't work on Saturdays he would wake you up, completely cheerful and tell you it was cleaning time.

And one thing about depression was that sometimes you couldn't make yourself do stuff. Anything.

You were better yes, in a better mental state than years ago but even now sometimes you just couldn't make yourself clean your apartment.

"At least make me breakfast first." You had said the first time. With a tiny smirk as you hid behind the bedsheets, you had taken the sheets off of you and when you got out of the bed and looked down you had let out a tiny scream.

"I didn't look i swear" Steven said and after taking the pants you left in the floor the night before and putting them on, you burst out laughing and Steven looked between his fingers and slowly chuckled.

You did notice he was red all over his face and your heart soared.

The both of you have also began to go grocery shopping and the both of you have learnt a few things here and there about vegan baking. You have never done that before but it's nothing out of this world, most of the time it tastes very similar to "normal" baking.

Steven has cooked for you a lot, and you're excited to try new things and he is glad when you give him a thumbs up, signaling that you liked it. He always has a separate dish just in case you don't like what he makes you since you're not vegan yourself.

But all of these nice moments are a reminder that Steven did try to kiss you. Right? He hasn't made a move on you again and you can't stop thinking about it. It's there in the back of your mind like an itch you can't scratch.

He didn't seem like himself after it. Like it was a totally different person. How could that be?

Just last week you had gone to visit Steven and you had let yourself in, since a month ago he had told you you can make yourself at home anytime, you had brought popcorn to make in his microwave and a movie to watch in his DVD player.

It was almost nighttime and you had enter talking loudly and when you notice some ruffling, he woke up with a gasp from his bed and you just stared at him with your mouth wide open.

Steven needed like a second to know where he was and when he noticed you were in his apartment with a bag of popcorn looking at him. No. You were looking at his ankle restraint. Your eyes going between that and the sand.

He stared at you in what looked like panic and you closed your mouth, left the popcorn and movie in his desk and went over to his bed. You sat down and looked at him intently.

"Steven, are you sure you're okay? What's with the uh--" you looked at his ankle restraint, then to him. "Sand"

You looked genuinely curious and not judgemental and he gulped.

"I still feel-- I feel like, like I'm falling apart. Like my life is not my own anymore. I don't remember a lot of what's going on and I'm sure you're lying to me about some missed dates." He watches as you flinch at his words. "I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know if you're lying to me you must be doing it for my own good but I'm not sure that's good either. And i want to be okay but I'm not--I'm not sure what to do at this point" His hands go to the sides of his head and he pulls on his curls and you shush him, he sobs and you grab both of his hands softly letting go of his curls. he lets out a few sobs here and there and you wrap your hands around his.

"I'm not sure what to say, but I'm guessing it's become worse? Your sleeping habits?" You tilt your head a little and he looks at you with tears in his eyes.

"Yeah" he looks at your hands and starts to move his fingers against yours, caressing them. "I think i started sleep walking..." He whispers.

"What if you slept with me tonight? Or are you not sleepy anymore. Sorry I woke you up by the way." You make a face and he chuckles, he brushes his tears away.

"It's okay. I think... I think a distraction will be good. What movie did you bring?" He gives you the tiniest of smiles and your heart hurts so much for him.

You don't want to bring seeing up a therapist, you know not everyone likes hearing those words said to them. And you don't know how he will react if they come out of your mouth.

You don't know what to do. You're on a tough spot but at least the best you can do right now is be a good friend. A good neighbor.

So you excitedly get out of his bed and grab the movie, showing it to him. "Ta-da. It's the most best horrible disaster movie ever. 2012. Critics hated it and people got anxiety attacks from it. But don't worry it's mostly because it's about the supposed end of the world predicted by the Mayans. And that didn't happen so it seems silly now. But if you don't wanna watch it it's okay maybe we can watch something else--"

"I wanna see it. It's one of your favorites right?" He looks at you so tenderly it makes you want to take a picture.

His curls are on his forehead and there's still a bit of red in his eyes. There's a bit of hair on his chin and jaw that you know he will want to shave later. You wished, oh so desired, he would leave his beard grow. You bet he looked really... nice. Just imagining him with a mustache is making your toes curl and your breathing go faster than normal.

The question comes back to the front of your mind: does he like you? Yes or no?

**

"I guess that's what has happened lately in my life" you clap your hands on your legs, you feel the fabric of your jeans and pick on it. You're not looking Dr. Williams in the eyes. You know what she's about to ask you.

Dr. Williams hums and leans back on her chair, she looks intently at you, you can feel her stare on you but you're looking at the plushie on your side of the sofa you're sitting on. A monkey with a little blue jacket.

"By the way you're avoiding my gaze, I'm guessing you know what I'm about to ask you." You finally look at her and she's smiling, not in a bad intent way or anything. She's just, smiling.

You sigh and look at your fingers, your chipped nail polish being a distraction for a second before you look at her.

"I don't like him. I don't. I swear." You say.

"Like that?"

"Yeah like that. He's my friend. Nothing more. I was just curious to if he was going to kiss me or not" you keep avoiding her eyes and she lets out a chuckle.

From the corner of your eye, you see her adjust her glasses.

"And if he kissed you, would you have kissed him back?" That question makes you flinch.

You had been open to friendship, with anyone. You liked making friends. You didn't have much of those here after moving to London a few years ago. And making friends in your twenties is hard no matter what anyone says. But you weren't too...keen on liking someone again. Not after so so so many years of not liking anyone. Not after so much sadness that was brought to you by your sad teenage years.

You didn't think you were ready to face this part yet. You didn't want another....unrequited love added to the long list of unrequited loves that trailed behind you like a tail.

"No-- Maybe? NO. Absolutely not. No. No" You furrow your eyebrows in thought and Dr. Williams hums again.

"I sense some hesitancy in you. Do you want my opinion?"

You stay silent, looking at her shoes, black loafers that shine under the white light of her office. "On if I like him?" You mumble.

"Yes."

"I don't think so." You decide. But even if she doesn't say it you know what she would've told you. You could hear it in her voice in your head and everything. 'In my opinion, i think you do like him. And that's nothing to be ashamed for. He seems like a nice fellow. He may even like you--' LIES. You did NOT like him. And he did not like you. End of story.

"Well. Maybe you should reevaluate your feelings for him." Dr. Williams says and you groan, glaring at her and she chuckles. "Just saying. I'm your doctor after all. I'm supposed to give you tips on how to deal with stuff but if you won't admit some things then we can't move forward."

She gets up and leaves her file about you on the desk next to her. She fixes her clothes and turns to look at you. You're looking at her with an unreadable look on your face. Eyes distant. She sighs and sits down next to you, she moves the monkey plushie and she's about to put it away but decides against it. She grabs your hands and places the monkey and instantly you hold tightly to it.

"Liking someone is not the end of the world. And who knows, maybe he will end up liking you. And if it doesn't work out we can work through it. Me and you, together." She lays a hand on your arm and you look up at her with tears in your eyes that you're trying really hard to not let fall.

"I just don't want to go back to being so... blue, that i can't think, i can't take care of myself, i don't want to be... Depressed." A tear falls from your eye and Dr. Williams hugs you tightly.

It's not the first time she has hugged you but it feels as equally as comforting as it does everytime she does. Which is rarely.

You sigh and silently pray it's going to be okay. That you're going to be fine. And if not that Dr. Williams will help you if needed.

**

Sighing, you stare at your door for a moment, deep in thought. Lots of things are going through your mind. Lots of what if's. Good and bad if's. You shake your head trying to get rid of it. You don't want to think, you don't want to do anything but you need a distraction.

Taking the keys out of your pocket, you turn the lock and step in.

Just as you step in you feel something crumble under your shoe. You look down and move your foot, to see a paper on the wooden floors. You pick it up.

I will be gone for a few. Don't wait up for me. I'll come back.

- Steven

You furrow your eyebrows. Few? Few days? Weeks? Months? What the fuck?