#also since I no longer have a uterus

[urhoneycombwitch]

Ur literally the funniest person I’ve never met, don’t you DARE listen to that uterine-induced bad brain talk 🫵🏻

🥺

thank u my Angel. my phone always wants to capitalize that pet name. I’ll allow it because it fits the Sarah/rebelfell theme 😇🪽👼☁️

[diremoone]

tlc, baby | g. satoru

w — periods, mentions of severe cramps, concerned bf ‘toru who doesn’t like seeing his gf in pain, an author who wanted toji to win the poll but is gonna do all the boys anyway bc toji, and the fact that this is too short and crummy omg (don’t write while hungry haha), hopefully toji’s is longer and better :D

[ divider cred @/firefly-graphics ]

5:14 am

The wake up is sudden, abrupt and extremely painful. You know what’s going on, but the second you try and do something about it, you find yourself sinking to the floor beside the bed in misery.

You really don’t want to walk downstairs, that’s gonna be misery. But if you don’t get and remedy this soon, you fear it’s just going to become worse.

It also sucks because your boyfriend isn’t home. You’d really, really like him to be home. But he isn’t. He’s out looking for an elusive Special Grade curse that nearly took out Mei Mei a few weeks ago on behalf of the stupid elders.

You’d curse them more if you didn’t feel like shit.

You burrow your head into the mattress and focus. Gathering up a little bit of energy, you stand and make your way to the kitchen, only to end up sitting down by the cabinets. You groan, knees up close to your chest to try and relieve some of the pain. You’re tempted to bang your head into the cabinets a few times, but the rationality of not adding more pain to the mix won over.

You can barely think straight; one second there’s the thought of running a bath and the next it’s waves of pain. You think about what’s in the fridge, then you’re overwhelmed by the intense need to barf.

“Fuck,” you mutter.

And then a loud voice echoes through the large home from your bedroom.

“Baaaaaabbbeeee!”

You snicker at your boyfriend who teleported into the bedroom that doesn’t have you in it. You hide your laughter behind your hand until another wave of agony rolls over your uterus and up your spine.

Satoru eventually finds you in the kitchen (after looking in the bathroom and under the bed). His smile disappears the second he sees you, but you don’t take notice since your forehead is burrowed into the wood of the cabinet door. He frowns, not liking the expression on your face.

“Baby?”

Satoru crouches and lowers the black mask you’d gotten him for his birthday. His heavenly blue eyes flicker up and down with worry.

“Monthly,” you manage to get out, and he instantly knows what you mean. Your entire body shakes with a shudder, so much so that the giant man is easily lifting you onto his lap to cuddle, his back now the one that presses against the wall of the kitchen.

Satoru is a heater, nothing short of the furnace that you’ve been in need of. One large, hot hand is pressed against your back, the other tucked against your lower abdomen in just the right spot. And the relief you feel makes you literally dizzy.

Your massive boyfriend however, is even more concerned than ever. The amount of stress he’d felt release from your body was nothing short of insane to him. You’d always relax and let go of all your stress in his hold, yes, but the amount of tension to how limp you were in his big arms was borderline upsetting.

You’ve never been this tense, this stressed. How long had you been like this before he was home?

“I’ll be okay,” you speak to him breathlessly. “I just need something for the pain and something to eat.”

Satoru lists off some things in the pantry and fridge, all of which makes your stomach turn and just burrow your head into his shoulder more. It isn’t until he gets to the sweeter side of the food you do have does the nausea fade away.

He reluctantly pulls away and grabs a familiar looking container on top of the fridge with a mischievous smile, one of his hands still holding yours as he stretches his massive 6’3 body across the kitchen to nab the period painkillers you need.

You don’t see him shove them and a small water bottle in his pocket, but you see him wrap his giant hand around the white container right before he fucking lifts you up off of the counter with one fucking arm and carries you back to bed.

But you don’t complain. You’re way too lethargic and fatigued. And why would you anyway?

He places you back on your side of the bed and gently plops the white container on your lap before kicking off his shoes and whips off his jacket so dramatically that you laugh. You scream as he jumps on the bed, almost on top of you. Satoru does nothing but laugh like a lunatic in return while he turns on the TV across from the bed.

Like magnets, you two end up snuggled deep into the big, thick pillows your boyfriend has propped up behind you in an instant. One of his arms is wrapped around you as you nestle into his side. But the fun doesn’t last. Your brows furrow as another wave of searing pain washes over you from your uterus. You groan and dip your nose into his collar, sharply inhaling and shakily exhaling.

“Here’s the magic pills, baby. Take ‘em.” Satoru’s voice is not the same, high-pitched excitable one he normally has. It’s the deep voice, the one he uses when he’s diving into his emotions. It’s the voice that he uses when he’s sharing his love with you in bed, or when he’s simply just loving you and taking care of you. Just like he is now. The tone of his voice is calming, relaxing, reassuring; all of the above makes your brain go fuzzy.

You pop the pill-shaped-relief in and chug it down with water and ‘toru wraps his arm around you, tugging you to him sweetly. He pops open the large white container, revealing all the chocolate chip cookies inside of it.

You laugh. “Oh my god, Satoru! This is what this is?”

“What else could it possibly be?” he jokes.

Not even a few minutes later though, the agony returns. The tearing feeling from your uterus is almost too much, lasting almost all the way through the Disney castle intro and the first couple minutes of Big Hero 6 with your head tucked into your boyfriend’s collar.

Satoru presses a kiss to your head and puts his hands in the same spots from earlier, with just as much tension leaving your body. He exhales silently.

“Go to sleep, baby,” he tells you. “It’s not worth it.”

“Want to…” you mumble, then let out a heavy sigh as heavy cramps roll over you again. “You’ve been gone a week.” You aim for a cookie and eat it in two bites.

Just like the cookies, you’re sweet — too sweet and too good for him, and he swears by it. He presses another kiss to the top of your head and replies, “Spend time with me by getting some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. And I’ll take care of you tomorrow, too. Whatever my girl wants.”

“…. Sure?”

“Positive.”

“…..Mmmmm’kay.”

Satoru knows you’re still awake and working through the pain even half an hour later. You may not be watching the movie, but you’re still listening, giggling when Fred screams, “CAR!” to Wasabi as the villain tries to kill them.

It’s not too long after that though, he feels your cursed energy finally relax. Your body is clearly slack against his own. He chuckles at feeling a little bit of drool soak through his shirt. You’re in a deep sleep, thank goodness. And he hopes it stays that way. The medicine worked. He wasn’t sure if his eyes could take the sight of your cursed energy bearing that much sufferance much longer before cracking himself.

Satoru closes his own heavenly blue eyes to sleep. Yeah, he’ll definitely be here tomorrow. Taking care of his woman was going to be his first priority. Mission be damned.

”G’night sweets. See you in the morning.”

@vagabond-umlaut — @heresan — @dellalyra — @torusmochi — @nayrring — @out-of-reach22

[sehodreams]

riize MTL to make you get on the phone with your boyfriend while they're plowing into your uterus and making your vision blackout with stars

TW and tags: cheating, fingering, p in v, drunk sex, toxic!ex!Seunghan, toxic!Eunseok, idk what else.

Sorry I got a little carried away with Eunseok and Seunghan haha I love Eunseok too much, I hope you like it anon!

Also, I'll be honest, this is not a MTL of who would do it, this is a MTL of who would be the most evil while doing it, and sorry for not writing for all of them, I just couldn't imagine the others idk why.

Most

Eunseok

Seunghan

Wonbin

Anton

Least

Eunseok

He doesn't want to be your boyfriend, but he doesn't like sharing you neither. You've been with your boyfriend for months already, but you had met Eunseok before you started your relationship, being just fuck buddies, and since he told you he didn't like relationships, you accepted to date the new boy, who was sweet and kind, while Eunseok ghosted you whenever he wanted, making you exhausted of his game.

So, if he was the one leaving, why would he always bother you coming back? He did the same thing once every two or three weeks, and you hated yourself because every time you felt he was about to come and see you, instead of getting angry, your pussy would get wet, the memory of him pounding your insides enough to get you like that, and that night was no different.

Your boyfriend had gone to a work trip, talking to you every night at the same hour to tell you about his day. You watched the clock, Eunseok was between your legs, drinking you like the beer he had before knocking your door, and when you were about to cum you remembered the phone call that would sound in less than 10 minutes, I can't, you told yourself, not because you felt bad cheating on your boyfriend, but because you knew Eunseok would fuck you for a lot longer and you wouldn't be able to talk.

Your phone lighted, showing your boyfriend's name in the screen, and you wanted to hide it, but Eunseok was faster and grabbed your phone before you could, accepting the call.

"Hi babe" your boyfriend said, and Eunseok, instead of leaving you alone to talk with him, inserted two of his fingers in your pussy, making it squelch, a sound you wished no one could hear through the phone.

"Hi" you answered how you could, then biting your lip to not let the noises come out of your mouth.

"You have no idea what happened today" he started to tell you everything, how his team almost messed up, how he fixed the problem, expecting you to tell him how proud you were, but you couldn't talk, your eyes were rolling and your lip was almost bleeding from the force you were using to not let a single cry come out of you while Eunseok played with you, showing you the cheekiest smile you had ever seen, making you horny and angry at the same time.

You tried to tell him to stop, pushing his hand away and shaking your head. He said an I don't want to silently, increasing the speed of his fingers inside you, and when you were shaking, almost cumming, he pulled them away.

You denied, how could he do that? When you were so close? The voice of your boyfriend kept talking in the background and Eunseok got closer to your ear, moving both your hands over your head and maintaining them with one of his, "babe, such a lame way to call you, doesn't he know you prefer being called slut?" Your pussy got tighter around nothing when he talked, and you tried to say no, but you couldn't form a single sentence, "if you're someone else's babe, I shouldn't fuck you, don't you think so?" You cried, head back to the pillow, tears blurring your vision, "or what are you?" He asked, slapping your pussy with his dick, the sound undoubtedly heard by your boyfriend. You shouldn't answer, you told yourself, he would heard you, but did you care enough? What was more important, to mantain your relationship or to get pounded by Eunseok? Such an easy choice "I'm your slut" you said, and he, smiling proud of you, pushed his dick into your cunt, which welcomed it with such a satisfaction it clenched around it immediately, feeling so good that you, happy to finally be fucked like you should, couldn't contain your moans anymore.

Seunghan

He was the best boyfriend anyone could have, so he always asked you, why did you decide to break up with him? He just couldn't understand what you said, that he flirted too much? He was just friendly. He never answered your calls if he went out partying? He couldn't hear it with the loud music. He fucked your best friend? He was just drunk and thought it was you.

Everything he did had an explanation, including the fact that, even when you broke up months ago and you had moved on with a new boyfriend, he had to see you every weekend to help you get off, it wasn't his fault that you decided to start a relationship with a guy that couldn't fuck you like he did.

It was the typical friday night and he was already in your room when you arrived from your date, "did he fuck you?" He asked when you closed your door. "Yeah, why?" You answered, making him smile and poke his cheek with his tongue, laughing at you, "well, you don't see happy enough" he replied. You denied with your head, tired of his shit, "Shut up and do your job".

He laughed loudly and pulled down the waistband of his joggers and his underwear, his hard cock bouncing as a result. You didn't waste a second and walked to him, kissing with need and moaning into his mouth.

Something you had to admit, and hated, it was that Seunghan was the best fuck you've ever had, not finding anyone good enough to make you feel like he did.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was so shameless, he didn't hesitate to go down on you, eating your cunt until you cried and pulled his hair, moaning into it when you hurt him, he also fucked you really good, he knew how to move, when to stop and when to rut into your hole, not being afraid of shoving his thumb on your ass.

Still, it was exactly that shameless side of him what made your actual dynamic possible, he didn't mind that you fucked other guys, because he knew you would always go back to him at the end, and he loved the way he didn't have to prepare you before he slided inside you, you dripping with the thought of him using you after the boy you were currently seeing.

And you couldn't deny it, you had no sense of shame neither, because when Seunghan pulled out your phone and scrolled through it, you'd continue moaning, perfectly knowing who was on the other side of the line.

Wonbin

When you needed to feel loved, you would call your boyfriend, when you needed some extra cash, you'd call your boyfriend, and when you needed to get fucked, you'd call Wonbin.

He liked that, he liked having the benefits of a relationship without spending his money and energy on you, he loved that you even sent him gifts with your boyfriend's money, and he loved the way you would receive him with open arms without any question.

When you were together you always wanted more and more, but after much pain and understanding that the first, second and third place on his heart would always be himself, you decided to find someone who appreciated you, however, he's Wonbin, it was impossible to forget him.

And Wonbin's such a bitch, he knows he shouldn't bother him, he pays his expensive gifts after all, but he likes to see your scared expression all the time, you trying to keep his identity as a secret was his favorite amusement, hear you lying to the poor boy telling him you were staying at your friend's house instead of with him always made him laugh, when you sent him your location so he knew were you were but not with who he smiled, and when you sent him pictures of your shopping spring without him knowing half of those bags were for Wonbin, he felt fucking horny.

So, it's only natural that he likes you to maintain your boyfriend content, obliging you to always answer his calls, even when you were together, and he wouldn't stop doing his work, fingering you or eating your pussy, whatever he was doing, he wouldn't stop, Wonbin liked to think it was his way of saying thank you to that boy too, because if he made his girlfriend happy, he'd be happy too, right?

Anton

This crybaby, he keeps going back to you because he loves you too much, and it hurts his heart to know you have a boyfriend, but he would rather share you than not have you at all.

Your phone ringing with him inside you distracted him, that unique ringtone always sent a shiver through his back because he knew who was calling, and he felt ashamed, but he loved you so much he couldn't help it, "Answer, and tell him you prefer me, I know you do", he'd say, stopping his movements so you could grab your phone, and then, perfectly knowing you'd never make his wish come true, listening to you talk to your boyfriend pretending you were tired or busy, out of dissapointment with himself for being so pathetic, he'd rut his hips into you harder, making you suffer to contain your moans, because if he was suffering, you'd do it too.

[dfortrafalgar]

I'm Losing You... (But We're Filling the Cracks)

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem.

Warnings: Read chapter 1 for warnings. This chapter also has some suggestive themes and language

Taglist: @phsycochan | @mirillua | @augustanna | @chaixsherlock | @whore-of-many-hot-men

Chapter 20

[Prev] [Next]

Law’s grip on your sweaty hand was grounding for you as you fidgeted in your seat.  Across the table from the two of you in the tiny medical conference room was Robin, who was silently shuffling through papers in front of her.  The room was so silent you could almost pick out the sound of the clock hands ticking away each passing second, each interval seeming to grow longer and longer.  You anxiously bit the inside of your cheek as you watched your doctor diligently sort through your comprehensive patient history.

After what felt like an eternity, she finally looked up.  “I think IVF will be a good method to try.  The success rate for women with endometriosis successfully conceiving and carrying to term with IVF is much higher than going without.  Additionally, you have undergone some treatment for your condition, which improves your chances much more substantially.”

You breathed a heavy sigh of relief, the tension seeming to roll off of your shoulders.  You glanced up at Law beside you, whose face was contorted in confusion.  The sight made you stifle a chuckle.

“Sorry, can you, uhm… explain what IVF is?” he asked Robin.  “Sorry I’m a bit useless with gynecological stuff.”

The question made Robin smile, appreciating his candidness.  “Of course, Law.  IVF stands for in vitro fertilization.  It’s a procedure where a mature egg is fertilized outside of the body and is then implanted into the uterus, thereby increasing chances of successful conception and embryo growth.  Of course, that’s the layman’s version of it.  But once I have your official go-ahead, I will explain in much greater detail.”

You could see the gears turning in your husband’s head, making you grin.  You loved the way he was clearly dissecting the mental image of what Robin had just explained.  He silently nodded.

“I would like to go through with it,” you affirmed.  “If it will increase our chances, then I’ll do anything.”

Robin organized your patient files in front of her, a content grin on her lips.  “I’m delighted to hear that.  If you’re ready, we can begin discussing the full process, since I imagine you would like to begin as soon as you possibly can.”

You eagerly nodded.  “Yes, absolutely.”

Law was counting in his head.  “How long has it been since the last miscarriage?”  He was growing so nervous in the stifling room that he was losing track of time.  You started to worry that he might be the one to pass out this time.

“Almost six months, I think,” you answered, rubbing the surface of your glass ring with your thumb.

Robin nodded.  “I believe that’s correct.  That’s a good amount of time for your body to heal, so you should be ready to conceive again with little issue.”  The black-haired woman reached into her bag in the chair beside her and procured her laptop, opening the device and clicking through a few windows.  “Are you okay if we begin discussing the procedure?”

“Yes I am,” you confirmed.  Law nodded beside you.

“Perfect.  The entire process could take anywhere between six to eight weeks, so I want you to be prepared for that waiting period.  Because, trust me, there will be a lot of waiting,” she explained.  She turned her computer around, displaying an illustrated diagram of a uterus and ovary.  She used her finger to point around the screen.  “I’m sure you’re more than familiar with what you’re looking at, so I won’t have to explain the anatomy.  We’ll monitor your menstruation cycle briefly, and then the process will begin with ovarian stimulation, which alone can last anywhere from eight to fourteen weeks.  This will ensure that multiple eggs can grow to maturity, instead of just one.  We will most likely use an injectable hormone medication for you, considering your condition.  Are you following?”

You once again nodded your head, laser focused on her words as her fingers moved around the diagram.  “Following.”  You weren’t so sure about Law, but you thought somewhere in that thick head of his he was absorbing your doctor’s long-winded explanation.

“Alright.  After ovarian stimulation, we’ll be monitoring your eggs while they’re still in your body every few days to ensure they are maturing properly with the medication.  36 hours before the retrieval, you’ll be given what’s called a “trigger shot,” to stimulate your eggs to complete maturation.  Egg retrieval will be done as a minimally invasive procedure, so you will be put under general anesthesia, but the process is quite short.  A suction tube will be inserted through your vagina with the help of an ultrasound, and a small needle will be placed through the tube to puncture your ovary and extract a small amount of mature eggs.  The eggs are stored on a petri dish and placed in an incubator to prepare them for fertilization.”

“Kind of like chicken eggs,” you joked.

Robin snapped her fingers with a chuckle.  “That’s a good comparison.  Once they’re ready to be fertilized, a single sperm will be injected into each egg on the dish.  It’s likely that not all the eggs will successfully be fertilized, but having the multitude of mature eggs greatly increases the chances that at least one will form an embryo.  You’ll have to wait a few days while the embryos develop on the dish, but once they have progressed far enough, they will be able to be transferred.  You also have the option to freeze unused fertilized embryos, in case you want to conceive again in the future.”

You and Law nodded along with her words.

“The embryo transfer itself is a very quick procedure, similar to a pap smear.  A speculum will be inserted into the vagina, and a catheter will be used to insert one or more of the fertilized embryos into your uterus.  Your body will usually take care of the embryo from there, having it latch to your uterine wall and form a placenta.  After about 14 days, we’ll give you a blood test that will determine if the pregnancy was successful.  If it is, then we’ll go about the usual pregnancy monitoring.  If not, we try again after a few menstrual cycles.  Understood?”

You and your husband leaned back in your chairs, taking deep breaths.  The explanation of the process was almost as exhausting as actually carrying out the procedure, but something in your chest told you that this was a good idea.  You had a giddy feeling develop deep within, almost begging you to go through with the long, arduous process, somehow promising that it would be worth it.

“I understand.  I want to go through with it,” you once again confirmed.

Robin smiled, amused by your willingness.  “I’m happy to hear that, we’ll be there constantly to support you and monitor your progress.  Let’s officially begin the process in a week.  We’ll need to do a comprehensive full blood panel, infectious disease screening for both of you, an evaluation of your reproductive system, and a male fertility test.  It’s just a formality,” she explained.

Law became slightly rigid in his seat, alerting your attention.  He appeared nervous as he asked, “Will I have to go back to the fertility clinic?”

Robin looked confused at his question.  “Yes, is there a problem with that?”

You thought briefly about why your husband would be so uncomfortable with returning to the clinic, until a sudden memory flashed into your brain.  The sight of Law, hunched over your kitchen counter with his head in his hands, guilt plaguing his entire being as he informed you he couldn’t ejaculate into the cup at the fertility clinic until he watched 15 minutes of porn on his phone with the volume as low as it could go.  You had laughed at his misery then, and you had to fight your entire body to hold in your laugh now.

Law quickly shook his head, collecting himself.  “No, no problem at all.”

The gynecologist’s eyebrow tilted up in confusion, but she dropped the subject as she wrote a list of instructions on a piece of paper before handing it to you.  “Take this to the reception desk to schedule your appointment for next week.  Most of the tests on you we can perform in this clinic, but your blood panel will have to be done at the outpatient laboratory.  I’m also going to file a prescription for estrogen patches so we can begin regulating your cycle.  Once all your tests are done and approved, we can proceed to the next step!”

You enthusiastically took the paper from her, reading over her guidelines and dates.  You smiled at your doctor, standing when she did and shaking her hand cordially.  “Thank you so much, Dr. Robin, I really appreciate it!”

“Of course, I’m more than happy to be able to help you two with this.  I’ll see you next week, alright?” she asked as she gathered her papers and laptop into her bag, preparing to leave the room and let you two continue on with your day.

You and Law gave her an affirmative nod as you departed, your husband following you like a lost dog to the reception desk so you could schedule your next appointments.  The only thing in his mind at that moment, however, was the dread of returning to the fertility clinic.  He did not want to have to deal with Dr. Franky again next week.

—

“HEYYYY, TRAFALGAR!  It’s good to see you again, welcome back!”

The booming voice of Dr. Franky made Law wince as the giant man entered the small room, another clear plastic cup clutched in his abnormally large hand.  The cardiac surgeon looked at the fertility doctor differently now that he knew that your gynecologist was this man’s wife.  What a small world.

“How are those swimmers doing, huh?” the blue-haired doctor asked, a bright smile on his face as he plopped himself down in the swiveling stool that rested below the medical counter.  He clacked a few times on his keyboard, looking up Law’s patient info.  “Here for another sperm sample, I see.”

“Just part of a protocol,” Law muttered, his face growing red with shame.

“Ahh, got it, got it.”  Dr. Franky nodded a few times as he typed.

Law felt his phone buzz a few times in his pocket, but ignored the urge to reach in and check his device while the boisterous man was in the room.

“Well, you know the drill!  Just–”

“I know, Doctor, I know…” Law mumbled, fighting the reflex of pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

With a pout, Franky passed over the clear cup, gave his regards, and left Law alone in the room.  Finally surrounded by silence, the man slipped his phone out of his pocket to see who had texted him during his brief yet horrendously awkward discussion with the fertility doctor.  His spirits immediately brightened upon seeing your name on the screen, followed by slight confusion upon reading your messages.

Wifey

Good luck at the clinic today baby!!!

Wifey

Thought these might help you ;)

Wifey

[3 Image Attachments]

Wifey

[1 Video Attachment]

Wifey

See you later darling <3

Law felt his face grow heated upon seeing the images you had sent him.  Suffice to say, he was not expecting it.

But his wife’s beautiful body was always worlds better than porn.

—

“Hey, I’m home!” you called into your apartment, kicking off your shoes.  The excited tapping sounds of Bepo greeted you, your cloud of a dog skidding across the floor into your entryway, his bushy tail wagging a mile a minute while his pink tongue lolled out of his mouth as he smiled up at you.  “Look who’s happy to see me!”

“Hey, hon,” Law called from around the corner, leaning against the wall as he watched you be smothered by the thick, billowing fur of your four-legged baby.  He had a smirk on his face as you stood to greet him, a surprised gasp leaving your throat as he grabbed your arms in his calloused hands and brought your lips to his, kissing you dumb.

When he finally pulled away, you flashed him a knowing grin.  “I take it you appreciated the ‘help’ I sent you?”  You used air quotes to punctuate your sentence.

“Oh, I more than appreciated it,” he hummed back, pressing a kiss to the side of your neck where he knew you were the most ticklish.  He delighted in the giggle that left your lips as you fisted his shirt in your hands.

Bepo eagerly butted in between your pairs of legs, demanding the attention to be on him.  He had spent so much time with Shachi and Penguin as of late that he was desperate for the love from his parents.  His big, beady eyes gazed up at the both of you as he silently demanded you to go to the living room and sit on the couch so he could curl up next to you.

“Okay, okay, let’s go sit down,” you relented, laughing as your dog immediately sprinted to his favorite couch cushion.  You followed your furry baby, Law’s hand in your own, a pleasant, content grin on your face.  You flopped down next to your dog, your husband following your lead and pulling your body down on top of his, your ear resting over his heart.  You could hear it thrumming away, endlessly excited about the concept of holding you.

“You know what I like about you, Law?” you asked, adjusting yourself to be more comfortable.  

“Other than the fact that I’m married to you?” he teased.

“Yes, other than all the obvious things that I like about you,” you joked back, poking a finger into his side.  “I like that you still treat me like you did when we were dating.”

Law’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to deconstruct what your words meant.  “What do you mean?”

You sighed.  “I don’t know… I was just thinking about it today.  Like, some married couples drift apart after they have kids or after big life tragedies, but you didn’t do that.  And I like that about you.”

Law wrapped his arms around you, linking his fingers together as they rested over the small of your back.  “Couples who leave each other after having kids probably didn’t have a spark to begin with,” he replied.  “Same with couples who give up on each other after bad events happen to them.  But that’s not us, it never has been and it never will be.”

“So you’ll still like me when I’m old and shriveled?” you asked, your voice holding a hint of sincere insecurity along with your joking tone.

“I’ll love you even when we’re decaying skeletons six feet underground,” he replied, planting a kiss to the crown of your head.  “Who knows, maybe the 80-year-old you will be even sexier than you are now.  Only one way to find out.”

“Law!” you yelped, laughing at his flirtatious remark.  A few more jokes were tossed between you two, lighthearted giggles floating through the air as you cuddled before you finally relaxed in his embrace.

“How did your tests go today?” your husband asked, idly trailing his hands up and down your sides.

“They went well, my blood panel was completely normal, but the nurse said I should try to up my Vitamin D intake,” you explained.  “My ultrasound and saline sonogram were fine, there was some endometrial tissue on the outside of my uterus but Robin said it shouldn’t pose a problem.  And my infectious disease panel…”

The way your voice trailed off made Law pick up his head to look at you, concern bubbling in his chest.

You gazed back up at him with a cheeky smile.  “No tuberculosis.”

Law barked out a laugh.  “I sure as hell hope not!”

You giggled along with him, dropping your head back down onto his test.  “Aside from my texts, how did your test go?”

Your husband grinned, though you couldn’t see with your current position.  “It went fine, thanks to you I was out of there much quicker.  Nothing abnormal with my semen, and I hope to whatever’s up there in the universe that I won’t have to go back there again.”

“Is it really that bad?” you asked, holding in your laughter.

“It’s just that Franky guy.  He’s so… loud.  He’s always the last person I see before I’m supposed to jerk off into a cup,” he lamented.

“Fertility doctors don’t get you hard?” you teased.

“Not when they call semen ‘little swimmers,’' he griped back.

The conversation was making you giggle uncontrollably, your body trembling in your husband’s grasp as you poked fun at his misfortune before finally getting your energy out and settling down.  “Well… for your sake, I’m happy you’re done with that, too.”

Another comfortable silence settled over the two of you as you lay back on the couch, your dog snuggled with both pairs of your feet.

“Are you feeling ready to start this whole thing?” Law asked.

You pondered your thoughts briefly.  “I’m… I’m definitely really nervous, but I think I’m ready.”

Law’s hand rested on the back of your head, supporting you against his chest.  “I’m not leaving you, baby.  I’ll keep promising that until my tongue falls out.”

His words made a relieved, content grin crawl to your lips as you buried your head further into the junction between his shoulder and neck.  “I love you, Law.”

“I love you, darling.”

[msbunnat]

sorry if you’ve been asked this before but how do you interpret Zeus in Greek mythology?

I know you like to keep the details of your comic a secret but can you at least elaborate on your perspective about his canon?

Like me personally, I see Zeus as kind of a force of nature, probably cuz he kind of is. He’s the man made character created in order to further understand that which man did not know, like all the gods. And also like the other gods his actions are hard to rationalize cuz they’re so dam inconsistent. One moment he’s treating women as disposable then the next he’s giving Hestia the respect and permission to never marry without any question.

sorry for the Yap sesh lol, love ur art and ur comic btw!

I think this is the first time someone has asked this and I am very happy to answer!

*THIS IS TO BIG SORRY!! ;-;

First, I need to make it clear that the Zeus of ancient myths and my Zeus will be different, even though its based on mythology. I am just contributing with my two cents to this range of fanfics that have existed since ancient times.

I truly believe that all the myths we love and explore are basically fanfics based on a religion and that people in the past used them to spread knowledge, comedies, tragedies and just to have fun while keeping the image of their gods alive. That is why the gods are so inconsistent in mythology, since we have many variations even of a single myth and it will always depend on who is telling the story (I wish it were easier to make fics like this about my religion, but I am afraid of the reaction of extremists).

I interpret Zeus in mythology like all the other gods, I no longer make a distinction based on the prejudice of him being a compulsive pervert, he has many sides. As all gods re natural forces, natural as in animal and plants, but also human feelings and urges.

Zeus has some basic pillars that myths tend to respect: He is THE father, he is the fairest one, he is the executioner, he is seductive, he is good-humored (sometimes he makes some bad jokes kkkkkk), he defends natural balance more than anything and he respects the will of others (this seems ironic, but calm down!!). After reading more myths about him and different interpretations, I understood that this modern view of him as a player is completely distorted and ignores all the other myths he participates (I understand that it became his joke, but… some people take it to seriously). So I started to form my own view of his myths.

Most of his adulteries are consensual and when they are not, they remain in that confusing area of ​​what was once consensual, since it is always mentioned that he seduces (for example, how he turned into an bull or a shower of gold because he knew that his potential partners really liked those things - and I find it hilarious that it seems like he didn't even intend to get Danae pregnant kkkkkk, but it ended up happening). This doesn't mean we can't understand that some of these seductions are abusive (like taking the form of a husband to have a night with Persephone or Alcmena), but saying that he discarded them doesn't seem right either. He often protected his lovers and bastards in the most intelligent way possible and sometimes he just walked away too for the good of others. And in a way, as the father and lord of the sky, he is always watching. I also hate how we take away any woman agency when it comes to Zeus, like, there re myths that they wanted a casual nigth with a god... stop ignoring that!! (the bad thing is that Zeus is also a pilar for fertility ;w; so if he sleep with someone with a uterus... they will get pregnant).

Going to the non-literal side, we have to remember that Zeus is a god and his adultery should not be seen as the same as that of mortal men. He cant acuatlly be with a mortal on the mortal realm and be a husband there... I also want to say: Hera wasn't that jealousy (I think she herself knew that Zeus needed to spread his blood/goodness in the world - yes, a strong interpretation is that Zeus' affairs are a metaphor for spreading goodness). On the contrary, she respected the bastards who faced their challenges and thus deserved to be close to them on Olympus. Hera tested the heroes for two reasons: So they understood that she and Zeus were in charge (so that no one would think they could usurp the throne, and she protected both her and Zeus, as well as Zeus do his best to also prevent the bastards to die and have some help - both Zeus and Hera do all this from a distance, they want to be fair with eachother) and to see if they deserved to be with the immortals.

It seems ironic today, but Zeus respected everyone's will, but it was in the Greek terms (more of in atenians terms, bc we don't have much of the other states). He accepted the decisions of Hestia, Athena, Artemis… I don't remember seeing him laying a finger on them or wanting them to get married. On the other hand, we have versions of him as father of Persephone, 'selling' her (but the myth was about an arranged marriage and I think it makes sense that it's Zeus, since the focus ends up being Demeter's suffering and this encompasses more complex feelings when losing her daughter because her 'husband' gave her away, while he is still respected and loved socially).

Now the bad side of Zeus in how fair he is. He punishes Apollo in some situations, even though I understand why he needed to do it… But he is not shallow enough to be evil for the sake of evil… It left a impression on me when he killed Asclepius and hurt Apollo (obviously), it is sad and I doubt he enjoyed killing his grandson, but if he didn't do it… the balance of the cycle of death would collapse and he is the one who sustains this cycle with the greatest respect. In fact, my theory is that he doesn't face Nyx, not because he fears her, but because no matter who wins the fight, the world will end (if Nyx dies, the night and everything that comes from the night, for the Greeks like sleep and death, will be disturbed / if Zeus dies the throne will be empty and no other god would do what he does, maybe Athena, but the world was too sexist back then to let her become sovereign and I also think she would be colder than Zeus when making decisions and would have no descendants…). But sometimes he just wanted to prank and have fun! So like, no straight answer here.

In the case of Ganymede, I believe that his myth is more one of those in which Zeus is merely a narrative tool, more than an active role. People just started shipping them and that's when the pederasty boom happened, but before that Ganymede was just a boy who was handsome and got a 'dream job' (poor thing…).

[madtomedgar]

Since fools are hand-wringing about (cis) women (and afab trans people) "mutilating" themselves by getting hysterectomies because it """harms""" their bodies and shows an alienation with the body:

The uterus has no hormonal or sexual function (according to my drs). It is a bag to grow a baby in. If you get rid of it, and not the ovaries, you can expect such horrrors as:

A mild and temporary mood drop from hormone fluctuation, especially if you had an IUD that was removed with the uterus.

Some minor temporary intestinal problems as your organs readjust to the gap.

A few months of sexual dysfunction while the body readjusts itself. It went away entirely on its own within 6 months of surgery.

Some mild confusion once a month when you feel like killing or crying about everything but because you no longer menstruate you get no advanced warning or bloody reminder that this is only the standard hormonal fluctuation and not a new type of insanity hitherto unbeknownst to science.

That's it.

Insisting that there are other treatment methods for things like endometriosis and PCOS is actively harmful. I promise you we have tried them all, whether we wanted them or not, whether they worked or not, whether they made things worse or not. It is pretty much impossible to get a doctor to agree to a surgical solution until you are 30 and have tried everything else for at least a year per alternative treatment. Some of these alternative treatments, like lupron, can have awful, permanent consequences for your body, like irreparable loss of bone density, while only working in about 1/3 of patients, and then only temporarily. You can't be on it long term because it will destroy your bones. Most of these treatments involve preventing menstruation, since that's when the symptoms are the worst. For context, I've recovered from surgery without painkillers, I've broken bones, and neither one of those was anywhere near as bad as peak endometriosis symptoms. Heavy bleeding and hemorrhaging, which also occur in these disorders, cause other issues for you body, including but not limited to chronic anaemia.

I get wanting to rehab the uterus' image. I get concerns, given the history of medicine, over a misogynistic society just cutting women up to their detriment rather than treating them holistically and effectively. I get wanting to keep your own uterus. But panic doesn't help here, and neither does insisting this organ is special and necessary and it's function is special and necessary.

If you want to freak out about women being pushed to harmful, unnecessary surgery, gastric bypass and other weight loss surgery is right there y'all.

[izvmimi]

cw: period blood mention. fem anatomy. vampires. smut. minors dni.

you're toying with danger at the moment, but there's an intense want that torments you whenever this time of the month comes around, as though mother nature is punishing for not making use of your womb. tender nipples raise and rub against the soft fabric of your shirt, and the intermittent pangs of discomfort that remind you you're in your menses distract you, but don't disable you due to the magic of ibuprofen, hydration and a heating pad.

but pills and heat don't treat horny. only one thing does.

it only takes a short call to get his attention, that vampire turned lover of yours. you have a pact to stay away from each other when it comes to this time of the month, because while your regular scent drives him insane, the blood soaked through pads and tampons can also drive him to extreme lengths, and once he starts drinking from you... who knows if he'll ever stop?

just the thought of it raises the hairs on the back of your neck, but there's another frisson that runs through you. what if he were to bite into the soft of your neck, or your wrist, or your thigh, and suck you into a husk? what then? how delicious could it be to watch him feast on you until you're a little more than nothing, delighting in the way his pallor abates and the delightful scarlet brings light into his eyes?

maybe.

your thighs clamp together as you think of it. as the phone rings, your fingers already find their way down the hem of your shorts, onto the thin fabric of your panties, and rubbing circles on your clit.

you whisper a soft "hello," and he does the same.

"hello."

he can tell by your voice that you're needy for him in a different way than usual, and he adapts quickly, the sound of his voice low and steady as he guides you and your fingers into messy ministrations, inserting in and out and around your tender spots. but it's not enough. it will never be enough.

"i want you," you whisper into the phone.

"but it's-"

"i trust you," you cut him short. it's the first time you've said it since you've met him, but you mean it nonetheless. it doesn't take him long to arrive, you forget that he moves inhumanly fast sometimes, perhaps he even teleports, but he can't come in unless you invite him.

and of course you do. you've invited him into your heart, so why not your home, why not into your loins?

the smell of blood on your messy padded sheets is metallic, but to him strong and aromatic. he'd drink out of your menstrual cup as though it were ambrosia if you allowed him to, but tonight he settles for this - his face nestled in between your thighs, lips swirling in blood and saliva.

he's a messy eater, but you love that about him, the secure and strong way he holds your thighs and feasts recklessly, tongue pressing into your center, and arms tight around your midsection while your legs cross over his shoulders.

you moan, and he moans and he eats and eats and you are consumed and relished, and as you feared but as you hoped he bites more and more places, no longer content with the blood freely rushing from your uterus, but everything that your heart pumps through.

thighs, hips, belly, breasts, neck. he drains and drains and you mewl and let his teeth sink in deeper and deeper.

and his body sinks in deeper and deeper.

will he stop? you're not sure, whatever sedative drips from sharp fangs shrouds your mind in lustful, unthinking pleasure.

what will become of you?

you'll become nothing, perhaps. or you'll become his, hopefully.

[the-laughing-lunatic]

Mediscout cute headcanons!!!

(Omg yea I love these guys so much, def one of my main ships. I also rlly like their dynamic in emesis blue but y’know, not very cute. I have a lot of thoughts about these guys so I accidentally made this really long— word count: 1714. Thx for requesting! :3)

Medic x Scout headcanons!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 

☆Platonic☆

Scout’s definitely scared of Medic at first 

I mean, when your coworker mentions plans about putting a baboon uterus inside you you’re gonna be a little on edge

Avoids checkups for so long Medic has to find him and drag Scout himself to the medbay

“Sheiße, you are acting like a little child right now, it is not such a big deal Herr Scout. I am simply going to check a few things.”

“Well I’m sorry if I ain’t too thrilled to have some psycho puttin’ needles or animal parts or whatever in me.”

Medic groaned. “I just need to check your temperature, heart rate, and blood pressure. Now can you please shut your mouth and let me work?”

While he took Scout’s heart rate, both annoyed, Archimedes flew to Scout’s shoulder and nuzzled into the man’s neck

After the checkup Medic sighed and ushered his dove over. “Him? Really Archimedes?” 

The dove cooed. “Well then, I trust your judgement, I suppose I’ll try to be nicer to him.”

After that he did try to be kinder to Scout, staying around him more, listening to what he’s saying at dinner, looking through his room to learn more about him—

That’s not how Scout interpreted it though, and one day when Medic was trailing a little too close to him again he just snapped “Will you fuckin’ cut it out!?”

“Cut what out?”

“This- this weird stalkerish thing you’re doing. What, you makin’ fun of me? You gonna take my organs in the middle of the night? What do you want?”

“Oh. I was trying to be nicer to you. I could stop if you want.”

“If you wanna be nice you could try talkin’ to me for once.”

And Medic did

Both of them are absolute yappers, and Scout quickly got more comfortable with Medic as they talked more

He’ll never forget the first time he saw Medic laugh

Like, genuinely laugh

He’d seen Medic laugh many times before, either on the operating table or during battle but it was always just…scary

When he actually laughed Scout couldn’t help but laugh as well, because Medic’s real laugh was so different of what he had thought of him

It was warm and nice, and suddenly Medic wasn’t just this psycho ex-doctor, he was also his friend

When they go out for drinks Medic often has to carry Scout back to the base because of his incredibly low alcohol tolerance (not that it’s hard though)

Medic would teach Scout how to take care of his birds in the case he was especially busy, Scout’s their godfather now

I feel like they’d also work well in a qpr, though Medic would have to help Scout a little since he’s been comfortable with his asexuality for longer and has probably been in one before

I headcanon them as both on the ace spectrum so I’m gonna delve into that a bit

I feel like Scout is graysexual while Medic is completely sex-repulsed

Scout honestly would’ve thought he was allosexual for the rest of his life until he heard Medic talking about how being ace felt for him

And he was like “huh, I relate to some of that”

Scout definitely has a lot of questions though

“So like- what’s romantic? Cus I don’t wanna take this too far, but you’re my cucumber, or squash— whatever the word is an’ I wanna show that I care about ya.”

“It’s zucchini, Jeremy. And the point of being in a queerplatonic relationship is that we get to make our own rules for what works for us. All you have to do is ask me if you want to try something.”

“Oh, um, well then. Is it okay if I kiss your cheek, doc?”

“Yes, Jeremy, it’s very okay.”

♡

Biggest dorks ever btw

Just so you know

☆Romantic☆

Medic would fall in love (or realize it at least) over something trivial

Accidentally brushing hands, a word of praise after a battle that made Medic especially appreciated, Scout falling asleep on his shoulder at movie night, etc.

It was weird, because Scout was almost the opposite of his type, he was loud, arrogant, and less than intelligent, but he accepted Scout as the outlier

Even though Medic fell first he didn’t initiate it

Though his moral compass was less than straight when it came to advancing the field of medicine, it felt weird to be the one starting anything with a guy nearly 20 years younger than him

He even performed a brain scan on Scout just to double-check his brain was fully developed (surprisingly, it was) so he could feel less weird about his crush

For a long time he just thought of it as an enjoyable distraction, not anything that could go anywhere

Scout liked Ms. Pauling, and Medic was fine with it. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to date Scout, he just liked the idea of a relationship, and Scout was an attractive man he could project those wants onto.

At least that’s how he reasoned it to himself

The giddy laugh Medic couldn’t help but let out every time he saw him, the way he always made sure to be gentler when he gave Scout his shots, how a Boston accent now equaled attractive in his mind (that didn’t come from Scout though, that’d be ridiculous)

With Scout though, his moment of realization was much less trivial

He was at four health a minute away from the end of the match, desperately trying to keep the blood from the bullet wound in so he wouldn’t have to go to respawn

Getting in respawn at the end of a match was miserable, because you might get stuck in there for hours after so everyone tried to avoid it at all costs

Scout’s eyes widened as he watched his health drop to three, no dispenser in sight

He closed his eyes and mentally prepared himself for sitting in the cold room for god know how long, until he saw a light above him

Holding his medigun, Medic stood above him, and the red glow surrounding him as he healed him made him almost look like an angel, his saviour

A psychotic angel, but an angel nonetheless

He felt Medic grab him by his collar (at what point did his knees go weak?) and say to him “Get up schweinhund, and fight.”

They won the match, at least that’s what Scout heard, he didn’t remember anything after Medic saved him

His entire body was on autopilot until the time he went to bed, when he had all night to think about how he was definitely attracted to guys

He definitely had a type though, regardless of gender

Glasses, dark hair, smarter and more mature than him (though that was a low bar), an itty bitty bit psychotic and have huge honkers— (jk jk jk) 

Scout starts coming to the medbay for the tiniest things now so he can see Medic more

“Medic, I got a splinter” “Medic, my elbow’s sore” “Medic, I have a major crush on you and don’t know what to do with it”

After a bit of this, Scout just gave up excuses, Medic didn’t seem to mind his company

It became routine, after dinner Scout’d follow him to the medbay and talk with him while  Medic filled out paperwork, occasionally giving a nod or short question to let Scout know he was still listening

One night though, Scout didn’t follow him back

Medic was disappointed, he had gotten rather fond of his chatter, but shrugged it off as Scout being tired

After a few minutes of paperwork, there was a knock at the door

He opened it to see a very nervous Scout holding a bouquet of roses

“H- hey doc! Um, y’know, we’ve been hangin’ out for a while, I really like you, and I hope you at least like me a little, so, uh, wanna go on a date sometime? Please?”

Medic just stands there for a solid bit before taking the flowers and smiling. “I’d love to.”

Scout takes him to a nice restaurant (that was definitely his idea and not Spy’s) and pays the bill for the both of them, which was substantial because Medic has a taste for the most expensive things on the menu

And Scout is a hella picky eater

“So like, can I have the steak, but - and stay with me here - you grind it up, grill it, cut one of the rolls in half and add the steak, along with fuckin’ ketchup, mustard, lettuce, pickles—”

“Sir, are you describing a burger to me?”

“...yeah?”

“It’s on the kids menu.”

“Oh. Sweet, then can I have that?”

After the date Medic lets Scout kiss him

They suck I hate them so much I don’t think about them all the time (lying)

Nicknames Scout calls Medic: Doc, Angel, Angelcakes, Babe

Nicknames Medic calls Scout: Hase, Schatz, Liebling, Dear

On the battlefield Scout’s constantly by Medic

“Hey Angelcakes, check this out!” “Didja see that? Didja see that?”

If they have to be separated any time Scout sees him he’ll give Medic a kiss

“Hase you’re at ten health, can you please stop trying to kiss me for a second so I can heal you?” 

“Ugh, fine.”

After he’s done Medic gives Scout a kiss. “Thank you, on your way.”

Clingy ass motherfuckers

Scout’s way more obvious with it than medic though

Medic hardly even has to do anything, they’ll just be talking and Scout’ll notice half-way in the conversation that he’s cuddled up in Medic’s arms

Scout often sits in Medic’s lap as he works, rambling on about some comic he read or whatever.

After a few months of dating Medic only sleeps in Scout’s room

It feels more homey than his, which he admittedly already slept in very little due to his unfortunate habit of passing out at his desk

Nights often consist of Scout cuddled into Medic’s chest while Medic reads aloud to the both of them

(real talk reading together is such an underrated couple activity can we talk about this—)

“ —alright, that’s the end of the chapter. Liebling, are you asleep?”

“Nah, just relaxed. Love you angel.”

“I love you too Jeremy, Goodnight.”

They are the biggest saps ever and I will stand by this until the day I die

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 

[ashkav]

Rainy, her baby, and the Laughing Samurai theory

So Shioli Kutsuna's character has been revealed! Rainy, a pregnant woman on the crew of the Magellan who has the ability to cause rain fall (Shioli said this during the Tokyo Games show, though I can't find the relevant clip.)

several very interesting things are said during this cutscene, and when combined with what else we know from the promo materials and also from DS1, I think they can be combined to form some ideas. And boy, do I have Ideas about Rainy.

First, the foundation, all (very few) info from previous media that I think is relevant to Rainy.

a) The Songs:

We have so far had three songs about babies/ children in the promo material. Lou's lullaby twice, both connected to Higgs, on the electric guitar and then again with Troy Baker singing it very ominously. And then the broken down rock-a-bye baby tune right at the very end of the state of play announcement trailer during the credits. Obviously, songs to do with children that are usually happy or peaceful now inverted from comforting to something scary and unsettling = Bad Things are going to happen to the kids.

But Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head is not a song that has been made sad or unsettling - yet.

I absolutely feel this song is going to be called back to at a climatic moment in the story, possibly at Rainy's own death, possibly as the last thing she says to her baby. The song itself seems like a bad omen to sing to a fetus, what with Rainy's name being what it is and the lyrics being about perseverence through hardship - difficult not to instinctually think Rainy and her baby are about to suffer some pretty awful trauma that ends with one or both of them 'falling' to the Beach.

Raindrops keep falling seems very likely to continue the same pattern of a comforting song for children introduced at a peaceful time only to warp into horrifying due to a climatic moment - the only reason it hasn't already been warped is because the audience has to hear it the first way first and it didn't exist in the last game to be set up the same way, unlike the other two.

b) 'I just can't wait.'

This is a pretty innoccuos statement for a pregnant woman to say irl, but within the game verse, Rainy is literally the second woman we've ever seen who has expressed an actual desire to have children.

Let's very quickly run through the list of female characters who have children in DS1:

Lucy, Sam's wife who killed herself because the visions she was getting from Sam's DOOMS afflicted baby were so horrible she couldn't continue living.

Lisa Strand, Sam's bio mother who became brain dead early on in her pregnancy due to a car accident and who we never hear from, even in supplementals, and is shot in the head by Sam's dad.

Bridget Strand, Sam's adoptive mother who revived him after accidentally killing him and kept him to raise out of guilt, traumatising Sam so badly throughout his life that he suppresses his memories of her and doesn't really want to speak to her even as she lays dying of cancer in front of him.

A whole host of unnamed still-mothers, impregnated after brain-death and farmed for the BBs they produce.

and finally, Lockne, who actually wanted a baby not because of the baby itself, but because she wanted some part of her lover to live on even after his death. Due to issues with her uterus, she is incapable of becoming pregnant, and even when her twin agrees to surrogate, the baby and Mama both die in a terrorist bombing at the hospital.

(for the purposes of this list I am not counting the mountaineering couple, since they don't matter except to create stakes for that one timed mission.)

There's a pretty clear trend here - almost no one wants children, and those that have them are in incredible danger of losing the child or themselves. This makes sense in a world where hospitals no longer exist and the very act of childbirth is incredibly dangerous and mostly everyone is pretty much asexual anyway, so it's a massive outlier that Rainy expresseses wanting the baby, even if it would be a normal thing to say in our world.

Maybe this is a stretch, but I can't help but feel there's some thematic parrellel here between Rainy, who wants her baby to be born very much, and still-mothers, who are made pregnant but never truly give birth and who cannot ever consent - not that they don't consent, but that they are incapable of consent in the first place. All their children, except three (Sam, Lou, and the BB Coffin managed to save), die in the womb. They're always bridges and never babies, never born, never really living or dead. They are nearly unanimously incompatible with the concept of life, or growth, just the same as their still-mothers are incompatible with the idea of wanting them.

More on this later.

C) The Samurai

The Samurai is visibly pregnant. There is only one pregnant character in the cast (so far). There HAS to be a connection here.

This is not the first time we've seen a visibly pregant character do crazy insane shit - Sam, for instance, is 'pregnant' with Lou's glass womb for the whole first game and probably the second too, and he does some intense stuff.

The circumstances with Rainy are different though. For one, her womb is made out of the squishy human stuff, not bulletproof glass, and she can't take it off. Rainy doesn't seem particularly athletic either: in her and Tomorrow's intro, where they're stacking boxes into a shelf, she moves slowly and with effort, not to mention that the Samurai is taller than even Higgs (Troy Baker is 6'3), where Rainy is shorter than Sam (Norman Reedus is 5'10, and Shioli Kutsuna is 5'3). Plus, the Samurai suit has no way to see out of it, so even if somehow it augmented her height, strength and speed, she still wouldn't be able to see what she was doing.

It is very, very unlikely that she is the one inside the mech suit. No, instead, I think it's her baby in there.

Sounds insane, but listen: we've already seen Higgs' robots have some connection to BT's, floating like they do and having visible strands leading up like they do and potentially being vessels for them. Dollman is explicitly stated to have been a normal adult human person who used his medium powers to possess the doll and got stuck there when his human body died. Even Lou seems to have the ability to haunt her old pod, with the ghostly winged BT form and tentacles. The technology and precedent for soul-to-machine connection exist, the Samurai makes baby noises, it looks pregnant. And thematically...

Remember that earlier section, where I was talking about Rainy wanting the baby vs still-mothers who cannot want and produce babies who cannot live? Also remember how parents with DOOMs very often pass the trait onto their children, and that an adult with DOOMs (Sam) and a BB with DOOMs (Lou) connected through the umbilical made some very strange things happen?

I think that Rainy's desire for a child interacting with both of their DOOMs will produce something very strange. I have two major theories about what could happen to get the baby in the machine:

The baby and mother cannot both be on the same plane at the same time. Rainy's baby suffers some strange accident while Rainy is giving birth (maybe she gives birth as the Magellan is travelling through the Beach?), and the connection between them becomes like a still-mother and BB, but only in some aspects. The connection between the living and dead is swapped constantly between mother and fetus instead of mother alone tethering to the world of the dead. Metaphorically, you could compare this to a Drawbridge, evolving out of the previous Bridge-style that BRIDGES created with the still-mothers. With Rainy and her baby, either side can be 'drawn up', and the burden is shared between them. The tragedy of this is that even though both Rainy and her baby survive, they can never truly meet or meaningfully interact, as one must always be on the Beach when the other is in the living world. Possibly this could be made more extreme, where instead of being seperated in mind only they are also unable to interact physically - one must physically be in the Beach if the other is in the land of the living. We know it's possible to live on the Beach because Tomorrow confirmed it, even if Sam described it 'like hell', so maybe they build the baby a suit that it's pod can slot into to help it survive the time it has to spend on the Beach - we know BBs are quite smart and have an abnormal amount of dexterity and also increased senses that allow them to see BTs, so it could be possible that the BB became skilled at piloting the suit because it was literallly fighting for it's life on the Beach. This would thematically mirror Bridget/Amelie, or at least the lie that Bridget/Amelie told the world - that Amelie was Bridget's daughter who couldn't be removed from the Beach.

The baby is psychic pre-birth. The baby is believed to have died inside Rainy because it stops moving and scans show that it's funtionally brain dead - plot twist being that the baby is alive, but has just accidentally astral projected into a machine. The Samurai is an upgraded version of Higgs' BT robots that either Higgs built or Drawbridge built after they'd studied some of his work, and the pregnancy bump is an unconcious change that the baby makes to the robot, like how Dollman can minorly alter his appearance when he's mad.

I think this would give Dollman an interesting double - adult in a small, powerless puppet vs baby in a big, deadly, hypermobile machine. Brain vs brawn, thought vs impulse. It even fulfills Jester vs Sage if we want to get Jung's archetypes in here, what with the Samurai laughing and Dollman being an expository friend you carry with you, like Mimir from God of War.

The second one is the one I feel is most likely - it ties in so neatly and honestly I'm not too sure that Rainy would survive her time swapped out on the Beach if whatever the baby samurai was fighting was strong enough to make it so skilled against Higgs, even if there does seem to be a community there to help her.

Whatever ends up being the case, Rainy absolutely definitely is not going to have a 'normal' baby. There is no such thing as a normal baby in Kojima land.

[doberbutts]

I had to have part of my uterus removed a few years back, so it is medically impossible for me to get pregnant (assuming I were even sexually active, which I'm also very much Not), and I still have to pee in a cup every time I go in for a procedure. I asked the nurse last time, "Why do I have to do this? Doesn't my medical history show that I CAN'T be pregnant?" and she shrugged and said, "Yeah, but it's required for everyone who ever had the capability. People lie about their sexual activity all the time, and unexpected medical things happen sometimes, so we have to be sure." Hopefully that won't be an issue for you down the road, but apparently you can thank lying liars who lie for making pregnancy tests mandatory.

To be clear to everyone who has contacted me about this, I'm not like. Morally offended that I may or may not have to take a pregnancy test. I'm somewhat annoyed that it's so routine for anyone who has a uterus and people can't just say "it is not possible for me to be pregnant" and be believed, but that's another story. I can pee in a cup or on a stick.

I haven't had vaginal sex since I was in college over 10 years ago now. I have been reliably told by multiple doctors that I am likely infertile due to being intersex and that it is most likely not possible for me to get pregnant without a large amount of medical intervention that I'm not doing because I do not want to be pregnant ever. I exclusively have sex in ways that it is very not possible to make children. And, by my own choosing, I haven't had a steady partner in quite some time and thus haven't done the horizontal tango in longer than it takes for a baby to happen.

All of this is in my chart. Instead of making me do a test, they could just... look in my chart. In fact, I had an xray last year, and they wanted me to do a pregnancy test and me saying exactly that made them not do the test. So I know that it is absolutely possible for them to simply look in my chart and see that it would be incredibly unlikely and thus the test is unnecessary.

[drbased]

This is really not directed at you, but I don't think sending this to the actual OP would be productive- that womb envy post strikes me as pure woo woo. Particularly this irritating line, which the OP even highlights: "Is not the tremendous strength in men of the impulse to creative work in every field precisely due to their feeling of playing a relatively small part in the creation of a living being, which constantly impels them to an overcompensation in achievements?" This is psychologizing where there needs to be no psychologizing, and at the same time a bizarre unquestioned assumption of women's lesser creative accomplishment. Even if we took this claim at face value, would it not in fact imply the very superiority of men? Is it wise to pit a physical trait, a non-skill one just happens to be born with through no action of their own, against the human power of creativity? As for idea male creativity is driven by womb envy on some deep subconscious level… this is about as legitimate as any equivalent claim by freud.

I understand the reverent attitude of some feminists toward motherhood and the uterus is a reaction to the way we are devalued and exploited for our reproductive anatomy, a cathartic reversal (or, """reversal""") of male supremacist rhetoric. But just as women are not inferior for any of our comparative physical disadvantages, it only comes across as self-serving hypocrisy when we try to turn it around to our benefit.

(Also, side note, because no one should be expected to vet any blog they reblog. But reading her blog should show you where this type of thought originates. It's very unnerving and very regressive.)

I'm actually ecstatic over the quality of responses and anons I get now. When people are responding to you with discourse instead of OP, that's when you know you've made it :P

I actually fundamentally disagree at the whole thing being woo-woo. I do believe that men have womb-envy - or, rather, I believe that they perhaps once did, back when we were all much more primitive beings with a direct relationship with our own mortality and the fundamental terror of being alive, vulnerable human beings - and these blossoming existential terrors have been built on and so form the fabric of the collective narrative, associated biases and language. In my tag theory posting I like to examine male psychology and where men's oppression of women's actually came from, since I despise this idea that men are intrinsically 'bad' on some biological/pseudo-spiritual level - said rhetoric, that forms an easy-to-swallow narrative, keeps seeping through radfem spaces (through blogs like OPs) and directly contradicts all the feminist theory that shows just how deep socialisation goes and how much these are human problems with human beliefs at the root of them. From my observation, it seems to be a repeating pattern time and time again that everything men say about women is projection, and so I've come to formulate this hypothesis that projection from the oppressor class is a window into said class's psychology and neuroses. So where men claim that women have penis envy, I think whilst for some women it is simply an easy catharsis to simply go 'no u', for me I do think there's real reasoning to suggest that men are the ones who have womb envy.

Similarly, whilst men claim they are superior for their biology, there are also a large number of feminist-identified women who want the catharsis of reversing the claim and using different metrics to claim women's biological superiority. I admit I do experience this catharsis, but also I think part of that catharsis is the greater knowledge I gain from exploring the idea that women's bodies aren't just a broken crock of shit doomed to pain and misery, and that we're actually much more hardy, have better pain tolerance etc. - and that 'women live longer' isn't just some stupid joke to pair up with 'because they're not married to men'. I find exploring the contrary to be a useful way to deconstruct from male supremacist rhetoric. Although at the end of it all I still refuse to use the word 'superior' - also because it's a losing game, since it's not fucking real you could make up any criteria, and as long as these symbolic concepts exist their meaning is always going to be owned by the ruling class. This is why on my side-blog learningwomanhood I use the tag 'female as default' rather than 'female supremacy' - as well as the whole female supremacy thing being a fetish (proof of my point about how the ruling class utilises these concepts), I also think it's much more accurate to say that the reason for women's 'biological superiority' is that we're the default human beings and men, biologically speaking, an offshoot purely for reproduction. So women's bodies are built to survive better because we're, well, the essential ones.

And I don't even really like that - that's not nice to know, that the men I've loved and liked are biologically unnecessary. And then I think, well men who have loved and liked me low-key think that about me - and unlike me, intrinsically believe I'm a lesser human being for it - and they never had a problem with that... ugh. I digress.

And I entirely agree with you about the creativity part. The drive to create is a natural human one; no need to psycho-analyse about it. Men are still human, and trying to create this narrative of men being less human might not be 'bad' in the same way that men dehumanise us, but as I said it's always a losing game, and imo it's intellectual cowardice.

And I do thank you for pointing out the OP. Because I'm not one of those radblr people who will reblog from literally anybody and say 'I shouldn't have to background check every silly post I reblog' - girl, this isn't your fucking diary, this is literally the public and if you know literally anything about politics from the last decade then you'll know that the popular rise of naziism has been entirely because the alt-right glob onto apolitical spaces under some sort of shroedinger's irony - it's all jokes till it's not. If you're not at least somewhat vigilant about what you're sharing and the implicit politics it contains then you're part of the problem. Simply proclaiming that your audience should 'use critical thinking' so you can absolve yourself of responsibility for your influence is exactly why we're in this fucking mess. But I succumb to brain rot like everyone else and my attention span isn't exactly what it should be (especially at the moment, given my life circumstances - which is an explanation, not an excuse). I think if I had read and absorbed the post properly then I wouldn't have reblogged it uncritically.

I am somewhat hesitant to take the post down because as much as I dislike the vibes and the OP, there is an interesting bit of history in there: a woman's response to freud. Considering how freud seems to have shown up in almost every damn feminist book I've read, I think modern day feminism has forgotten just how influential he was on society. My theory is that 'his ideas' (or at least, his popularisation of ideas that were perhaps already floating around psychiatric circles) were so new to the public that they opened up this idea that people have intrinsic beliefs, and that sex has a lot to do with said intrinsic beliefs. This opened the door for a lot of feminists to be able to discuss sexual psychology in an entirely new way. So even if the Karen Horney's response is flawed, then I still think it's a necessary piece of the puzzle to see how women responded to freud's ideas.

OK. So. I think this exchange has been a good criticism of the post so what I'm going to do is screenshot it here and delete my original reblog. I think that covers all bases, thank you.

[djarrex]

heartbeat

Captain Rex x f!reader

masterlist | read on ao3

Rex hears his baby's heartbeat for the first time.

pregnant!reader. dad Rex. this is so soft, y'all. there's also brief mentions of Rex feeling guilty, but overall, this is just a fluffy, self-indulgent fic. about 1.2k words.

When you come out from your room after changing into something more loose-fitting and comfortable, you see the new at-home fetal doppler device laying on the kitchen table just outside the box it came in, and Rex is sitting there with his face buried in the little instructions foldable that came with it. Ever the researcher, Rex more than likely has read every word since opening it, whereas you would have just skimmed to what looked most important. Or, rather, you would've looked at the pictures, using the visuals as the sole model. A hand on your belly, you let out a light laugh, making Rex look up from what appeared to be pretty intense reading.

“Tricky piece of hardware?” you tease.

“I like to be thorough,” he points out matter-of-factly. “Wanna make sure I do this right to get the best results.”

You plop onto the couch, the creak of the springs doing the tortuous job of reminding you of your changing body. “What’d you find out?”

Rex follows you over. “Well, we want to make sure we're not confusing your heartbeat with the baby's. There are a few other things we may hear too, like the movement of your placenta or arteries.” He pauses, placing a pillow at the very end of the couch and motioning for you to lay on your back. “You still have a full bladder, right?”

You scoff. “Yes. Remember you scolded me a couple hours ago into drinking all of that water at lunch, and then told me afterwards to not use the bathroom?”

“It was for a reason, love,” he reminds you with a teasing smile, lifting your shirt up to the slope of your belly. “A full bladder helps push your uterus out of the pelvic cavity, that way the fetal heartbeat is more easily detected.”

“Wow. You really did do your research. I like it when you talk medical to me.”

Rex chuckles at that and squirts a copious amount of lotion on your belly, rubbing it in gentle circles. “I’ve already verified the device is functional and sterilized the probe face.”

You bite your lip to hold back a laugh. “You used it to check your own heartbeat first, didn’t you?”

“Maybe,” he replies cheekily, deliberately avoiding your eyes with the response. “You ready, love?”

“Let’s hear what this little bean's got.”

Rex clicks the receiver on, a device that’s small enough to fit in his hand. A display lights up with a little beep, a flatline and a zero sitting stagnant. A cylindrical probe is held in Rex's other hand, and as he rests the face of it against your lotioned belly, you suck in a breath of air. Your own heartbeat thumps in your ears as you watch the focus creasing in Rex's handsome features. He’s moving the probe so slowly, so particularly, that you know he’s searching for something specific that he had to have read in his research. His hand turns the probe so that the face changes angles, starting low near your pubic bone up towards your navel then back down again.

This is a moment the two of you have waited for, for a while.

The beginning of this journey was rough, the first several weeks being nothing but bedridden illness and nausea that lasted longer than just the mornings. You stayed at home, too drained and lacking any energy to do necessary things, like go shopping or cook. A lot of days included you ordering food to be delivered, and groceries as well. It was hard to not have Rex there by your side, to help with things that would normally be a breeze for you – and you know he feels guilty for that, even though both of you are more than understanding that it isn't his fault. Still, in the odd hours of the night when he actually was able to contact you to check in only added to his needless guilt, upset with himself that he was never there laying beside you to rub your back or retrieve whatever it was that you required.

You’re a little more than a few months into this pregnancy and you’re not under any impression that Rex’s schedule will miraculously change to you and your unborn child’s benefit, but moments like this one now make it all worth it.

The quick thrumming of the baby’s heartbeat comes out muffled through the handheld over the whooshing waves in the background, the beats monitored on the display. The sound fills you with warmth and you laugh in astonishment, a choked sound as tears fill your eyes. Your hand clasps over your mouth and you look to Rex, who looks completely entranced and in awe – but there’s something else in those warm eyes of his.

The hand covering your mouth instead finds his wrist, fingers gently enclosing around it. His eyes are positively glowing as he watches himself slowly and carefully run the probe face in steady circles around a specific part of your protruding belly. Rex remains extremely silent, lips twitching in the most miniscule of movements as he concentrates.

An overwhelming sense of pride floods into Rex. He can’t believe he created this. Life – natural life. A clone soldier, a man bred for nothing more than to be fodder in battle, created life from love. It’s just beneath this device, growing in the womb of the one he loves. For the very first time he can hear it, the beating heart of it a flicker of sound that he’ll surely remember forever. The shame and guilt that he constantly feels for rarely being present to support you flees him in this moment, replaced with the overriding feelings of promise and joy.

You already know the answer to your impending question, but you want to hear Rex's voice, to prompt him after being silent since switching on the doppler.

“This is our baby’s heartbeat, what we’re hearing?”

Rex clears his throat, using the back of the hand that’s holding the receiver to wipe at the unshed tears in his eyes. “Yes. Yes, it is.” Eyes shimmering, he looks up at you, offering up the devices. "You wanna try?"

You nod, taking both devices from his hands and quickly placing the probe back where Rex just had it. It takes you a few tries to find it, but then the rapid little heartbeat is coming back to life once again.

"It's perfect," you say softly with admiration. "A perfect little heartbeat."

Rex's head lowers then, his forehead meeting your belly. He inhales and exhales shakily.

"Are you okay, Rex?"

When he looks up at you, a tear is streaming down his cheek. "More than okay. I'm so happy."

You laugh through a sudden sob just as Rex goes to kneel closer to you. He kisses you gently, a smile forming on his lips against yours. He folds his hands over your own and the two of you stay like that, foreheads pressed together and hands holding the doppler as one, the sound of your baby's heartbeat filling the room. It's just the three of you here and now, everything on the outside forgotten in this moment.

-

@pinkiemme @twistedstitcher27 @wild-karrde @rain-on-kamino @ner-runi @literallydontlook @rexxdjarin @rowansparrow @burningfieldof-clover @commander-sunshine

[realisticpregerotica]

Hello. Hi~!!!

I haven't introduced myself yet! You can call me Eri. I'm +20 years old and use any pronouns!

I am happily taken by a wonderful partner who is well aware of this kink and this blog. Nothing will come between me and my partner. Like I do all across this blog, we can fool around in chat, but nothing will ever come out of it other than fun hypotheticals.

Info about commissions can be found below if you want me to write for you!

Transphobia, Racism, Pedophilia, and Misogyny can GTFO

I will never be pregnant, not being pessimistic, I just don't have a uterus! This is a fact that I learned at a very young age and have had plenty of time to make peace with. Sadly, I can't be any of your mommies or breeding princesses, its probably a good thing, I'd be too powerful if I could be~

I live strictly through fantasy to fulfill this kink and any reference to me being pregnant is just pretend. I vicariously through the wonderful mommies in our feeds uwu.

Speaking of this kink, here's a list of things I love the most!

Pregnancies of the realistic variety (human babby, no hypers)

Birthing

Water breaking (biiiig gush!)

Lactation

Labor pains and contractions

Belly movements

Belly play

Sex and hyper sexual situations

Switch play

Masochism

Low stuffing/weight gain

I have been attracted to pregnancy longer than I can remember. My first memories were seeing one of my mom's friends heavily pregnant at a wedding with a beautiful black dress. I couldn't have been older than 5, and pregnancy has always occupied a large part of my mind ever since.

Since I turned 18 I have written pregnancy kink literature on my DeviantArt with the same name as this blog. I like doing 2k words+ so this shorter form blog content is really giving me hands.

I also take commissions! Info can be found using this link.

[ecargmura]

The Apothecary Diaries Episode 11 Review - Fengming's Crimes

The first half of this episode was scary. I was seriously on edge the longer Maomao unraveled the truth about Fengming’s crimes. I tensed up every time I saw Fengming’s expressions and when there was a closeup of the cleaver behind her, I was worried that things might have ended bloody. Fortunately, nothing serious happens as Fengming confesses her crimes to both Maomao and to the higher-ups that got her arrested and executed.

It turns out that both Ah Duo and the empress dowager were giving birth at the same time. Luomen prioritized Ah Duo, but was taken to the empress as she was more important, leaving Ah Duo in labor pain to the point that she lost the use of her uterus after she gave birth. However, the babies were swapped, apparently. This wasn’t revealed until the end of the episode where Maomao realized the resemblance between Ah Duo and Jinshi. Fengming’s motives for targeting and plotting Lishu’s death was so that she’d hide evidence that honey was the cause of poisoning and the death of Ah Duo’s swapped son back then. However, if there was swapping, that means Fengming killed the baby who was the actual Prince. Was it known that she killed the infant prince at the time, or was she executed for killing the baby in general? I do wonder why the swapping happened. Was it intentional? Was Luomen in on it, hence why he was taken the blame? This baby swapping drama can get a little confusing; I get the gist of it, but I don’t get the reason behind it.

It seems that Ah Duo and Jinshi are aware of each other’s status as mother and son. However, since Jinshi was raised by different parents since his birth, they don’t exactly have a familial bond. Since Jinshi was crying in Maomao’s shoulders in one scene, I do wonder if this truth has been known to him recently or if it’s something he knew for a while. I’m sure those tears were because he has to part ways with Ah Duo and can no longer see her.

Ah Duo as a character is very collected, but she also seems to harbor lots of sorrows within her. Life hasn’t been fair for her at all. She is unable to bear more children. She is the oldest concubine, hence her time is essentially up in a way. She adores Lishu but Fengming kept trying to separate them. Nothing ever goes right for her. It makes me feel sad for her because she’s so beautiful and cool.

I wonder what’s next in store for Maomao as a series of an overarching mystery has come to a close. What more palace drama will she get herself entangled into? I can’t wait to watch the next episode. What are your thoughts on this episode if you saw it?

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?

[clownmoontoon]

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥