#also shout out to my wife who cleaned up my barf

[caprine-bees]

having a stress induced inhibitor is awful bc it's like YOU DID TOO MUCH. PUNISHMENT. I DON'T CARE HOW IMPORTANT. WRITHE.

but then when I get better I am a queen. a pretty girl. I can handle all tasks thrown at me.

[mrsdr-ethan-ramsey]

At Last (Ethan Ramsey x f!MC)

Fluff here! Come get your fluff!! Also, what does it say about me that it was easier to write angst? Hope y’all enjoy a little look into Parker and Ethan’s relationship after they’re probably tortured in OH2. (Peep the Taylor Swift inspired parts of this fic❤️)

Tag List: @the-soot-sprite @ethandaddyramsey @silverlitskies@trappedinfandoms @samihatuli @sherlockedmcdonut @marywitchjane @awalker965 @openheart12 @flyawayboo @hatescapsicum @edith049 @princess-geek 

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Parker Kennedy)

Summary: Ethan and Parker are finally married and reflecting on some fond memories of how they got there.

Warnings: Just some fluffy good stuff. And some swear words.

Word Count: ~1300

Their love was one for the ages, and it was just starting. As Ethan held her in his arms as Parker Kennedy-Ramsey, he had never felt happier. This was the moment that he wanted to live in forever. How she managed to wiggle her way into his life, he didn’t know.

It started slow, all the small things she would do – saving him a spot next to her at conferences and fundraisers, resting her hand on his cheek when she wanted to convey her feelings, or bringing him a coffee if she went out. Then it was rapid after she blurted out that she loved him during a fight late at night while working on a difficult case.

“Dr. Ramsey I need to talk to you,” Parker said sternly as she barged into his office.

Surprised by the interruption, Ethan looked up at Parker’s fuming face. Just to irk her a little bit more, he slowly took on his glasses, set them delicately on the desk, folded his hands, then looked up at her. “What are you concerned about Dr. Kennedy?”

“You! You are purposefully making my life hell!”

“And why would I do that?”

His voice was calm and condescending, only pissing Parker off even more. She was shouting and waving her arms around meanwhile Ethan looked like nothing was bothering him. “I said what was causing the seizures and you didn’t listen to me! You only considered it when June said it again!”

“I didn’t hear you say it,” Ethan half lied, flicking through a few files his desk. He really hadn’t heard Parker, but it was because he had gotten distracted by her lips. She was wearing a new dark red lipstick and he couldn’t focus until he heard June’s British accent cut through the haze.

Parker scoffed at this, “Yeah, okay. You are never distracted at work. Just admit that you wish I wasn’t on the team!”

“Of course I want you on the team Parker.”

“Bullshit! You’ve been pushing me away since I’ve been here. And you want to know why I stay on the team? Huh?”

Ethan eyed the angry woman. She was livid. He knew that whatever he said would blow up in his face, so he went for went for a guess. “Because it’ll reflect poorly on you if you step down from this opportunity.”

“No! Because I am so helplessly in love with you that I would rather have you chewing me out every day then no contact at all!”

Her admission broke the dam holding all his feelings and suddenly he felt free. She loved him even though he tried to push her away. She loved him even though he disappeared on her. She loved him even though he was stubborn. She loved every part of him, unconditionally.

As he looked down at the blonde woman before him, dressed in an elegant ivory dress he said the only thing that was going through his mind. “You’re my best friend Rookie.”

“And you’re mine,” she whispered back, her hand coming to his check and softly brushing his beard. His instinctively leaded into her touch, not caring who saw him being soft with his wife.

Parker never thought that she would get to this moment with Ethan. A part of her thought that Ethan would always keep himself an arm’s length away from her. She had thought that he would never be able to accept the fact that he deserved love and happiness. But there they were, dancing to an old Rat Pack song surrounded by friends and their built family after their small wedding.

The wedding hadn’t been a big deal. Just a handful of people at a small church in Boston. Parker had insisted on being married in a church and Ethan was just happy to be there with her. After, they invited almost everyone at the hospital to come to Donahue’s for drinks and food. It had been a beautiful autumn day and Parker wouldn’t change a single thing.

As they swayed on the sticky floor, Ethan looked over Parker’s head. “Naveen and Sienna are crying again,” he murmured.

Parker let her hand fall back to Ethan’s shoulder and looked back before resting her head on Ethan’s chest. “I kind of expected this when they were both in tears at the ceremony. I didn’t think they would cry this much though.”

“It’s because they didn’t think we’d make it here either,” Ethan replied with a wry smile.

Parker slapped his shoulder gently, “Don’t say that! I didn’t think you’d ever ask.”

That made Ethan chuckle, “I’m pretty sure you asked me to marry you.”

“Not true. I was teasing when I said it, you’re the one who pulled out the ring!”

Ethan had had the ring for about a month. The bright Tiffany blue box was hidden from Parker and all he was waiting for was the perfect moment to ask her to marry him.

The night he was going to ask her, he got off work early to go home and make her dinner.  Candles were lit everywhere and Jenner was wearing the little bowtie that Parker had bought for him. The last Ethan had heard Parker was having a good day, but that ended up not being the case. Parker walked in the door, hair knotted from a kid yanking at it, baggy surgical scrubs on because she had been barfed on, and a bump on her head was forming from supplies falling on top of her. When she walked into their apartment to see candles, soft romantic music, and Jenner running around clean, she broke down in tears at the door. It had been one of the worst days at the hospital that she had had in awhile.

Ethan was so worried that he completely forgot his plan, only to have Parker say to him, “This is as good as it gets Ethan, take it or leave it.”

“I’ll take it,” he said with a smile.

“Sure,” she scoffed, wiping away her smudged mascara “Then you’re going to need a ring.”

Without hesitation, he pulled out the box and opened it. A single emerald cut diamond ring sat in the box. He just stood there, looking down at her (she told him that if he ever did ask her to marry him she wanted him standing as her equal not on his knees begging).

The only words Parker could say through new sobs were, “Ethan, you shouldn’t have spent so much on a ring!”

As the night went on, it was filled with laughing and drinking. Elijah kept the music going and Sienna made sure everyone had enough food and sweets. Meanwhile, Jackie made sure that Parker was never without a drink in her hand. While Parker was dancing with her friends, Ethan was sitting with Naveen watching everything around him.

Naveen looked between Parker and his protégé. He had never seen Ethan happier than this night. 

“I’ve never been more proud of you than I am tonight my friend,” Naveen said offhandedly.

“Why do you say that?” Ethan asked, looking away from Parker and at his friend.

“Because,” he started, sipping on a glass of water, “You put yourself before your work, and look at what it gave you.” He gestured toward Parker trying to teach her friends how to do the Electric Slide giggling uncontrollably as she nearly tripped over her dress. “You didn’t miss your chance Ethan; you took it.”

Ethan couldn’t stop the small smile as he lifted his glass of scotch to the older man. Together the clinked their glasses and went back to watching the merriment flash by around them.

This was Ethan’s new proudest moment. He jumped into the deep end with Parker and somehow they managed to not just tread water but to swim. His life couldn’t get better than finally being married to Parker.

[larissaloki]

This is my first installment on a rare pair ship M’Baku x Tony x Bucky. A/b/o verse. M’Baku is an alpha same asBucky and Tony is an Omega. Updates for this will be slow but if you like this fic leave a comment and I’ll see which of my stories get the most interest. Once I’ve finished my walking avengers fic I’ll focus on another.

@thoughtfulbreadpolice @seven-oomen @im-tops-bottom @winteriron-trash here you go!

Sharing is caring-

~~~~~~~

Humming Tony checked his phone for any message from Pepper, nothing major really was sent to him. Just a few meetings reports, condensed down enough to get just the important details across. He idly skimmed them, asking Friday to make a note once landed and settled in a private room, to go through them more fully. For now, the notes looked promising for their expansion in China and Japan. Both cities with a lot of people could benefit greatly from clean energy. They were in midst of negotiating of setting up the system there to help make their cities greener.so far Japan surprisingly was much more eager to join in.

Which leads to Tony’s little field trip that he’s on now. T’Challa and Shuri have asked him to help introduce Wakandan tech to the world. Not that T’Challa needed the help really, but it looked good to the council and the press that the two were working together. Of course people where still weary and where calling out for the king to be weary of Stark due to his past business, but it wasn’t enough of an outcry too cause to much damage to their stocks.

After T’Challa’s declaration to open the boarder, many had been skeptical as to what Wakanda could offer the world. T’Challa had a plan though. He had brought buildings and was doing work right now to share technology and open trades. The first to establish trades was Tony. Well, more T’Challa was the first to reach out to him. Understanding that Tony wanted to make the world safer and cleaner.

The trade was under a few conditions though, any plans Tony had involving tech and materials from Wakanda had to be approved by T’Challa and his council first before being implemented. Seeing as the primary material was Vibranium, it was no wonder the King was anxious about how it would be used. One of the other stipulations was that Tony had to visit the country and learn about Vibranium, work with it in a controlled environment that could cope with any mishaps. Learn from Princess Shuri how to safely transport it and such.

Tony had all but launched himself at his car shouting down his phone to prep a jet and replying back to T’Challa that he was on his way that instant. Tony was eager to learn, eager to see the genius mind behind most of the modern creations in Wakanda. He wanted to see with his own eyes the country that could better the whole world.

At first, Pepper had been furious at Tony skipping out on a meeting but, once learning the purpose of his trip she had calmed and assured him she would cover for him. Seeing the major benefit of Tony going just as well as he had.

Smiling to himself, Tony leaned back in his luxurious seat sipping some flavoured sparkling water Tony allowed his eyes to close. Above head, the intercom pinged as the pilots’ voice came across.

“We are fast approaching Wakanda Mr Stark, about 5 minutes before landing-“

The plane rocked violently as something hit it. Above the seats, oxygen masks fall for the passengers. Tony slowly makes his way towards the nearest chair, the rock in and shuddering of the plane making hi nearly fall over several times. Of all the times to leave his suit behind, fully believing he wouldn’t need one and also partly because he was in that much of a rush to the plane in NY that he had forgotten it.

Now, Tony was regretting leaving it behind in the compound.

“Please don’t crash, please don’t crash…” Buckling himself into his seat, Tony fumbled for his phone calling for Friday for information on what happened. He barely heard two words from the A.I before the plane took a sharp downward turn, it threw him back into his seat with a curse as he accidentally dropped his phone. The Omega clutched at the armrests of the chair, he had a bad feeling in his gut that no one was alive in the cockpit of the plane. All Tony could do was hope and pray either he survived the fall or received a quick death.

Tony had a thought as to what could have possibly of hit them when the plane began to tumble over and over, shuddering and jolting as it hit things in its decent. The next few moments where a blur for the Omega, he wouldn’t have been able to recall them if he tried. All he recalls is intense terror than a sharp pain to his leg and side before everything goes black.

~~~~~

M’Baku was watching the young Omega princess work on the newest broken Alpha white boy, also known by the children below as, White Wolf. At first, before M’Baku had earned his place among the tribes, he had been sceptical of the teen Omega genius. After seeing her work in person though, he was willing to admit he had been wrong in his judgement.

She had worked near relentlessly on trying to remove the triggers for the Winter Soldier. After a few tense months, Stark had sent information on his BARF, notes on it and how he made it. To see if it could help them. He had even given them details on how to contact Helen Cho. An expert on squishy science. Together they had come up with theories which Shuri had adjusted and altered her machines and such to make these theories work. Slowly she worked through Bucky’s mind; with his permission; to undo the power of the trigger commands. Rendering them useless.

Shuri has just finished the last command after weeks of working on it. They took breaks between each word and tried it to see if it affected him. So far they have been successful. After this last word, Bucky could be taken out of Cryo completely, allowed to slowly be let back among others to get used to life again.

Next, to him, T’Challa stood silently, observing the procedure. Despite the success so far he refused to left guards drop in case anything set back their progress. He won’t relax until this is completed. Around the room is 5 other Dora Milaje as well as them. All placed out of the way but able to move at a moments notice.

Above Barnes is a hologram of his body and brain which Shuri is looking at as she works on another screen. Carefully moving and directing her machines that are attached to Barnes’ head.

It’s a tense 2 hours before Shuri finally sighs and shuts down the machines with a pleased grin. Turning the princess nods at her brother.

“I’m done brother, your broken white boy I finally fixed. Though I do like this one, can I keep him?”

“No Shuri, you can not, I dare say Roger’s wouldn’t be pleased.”

Pouting, Shuri takes off the tabs that are connected to Barnes as he wakes up, blinking confused for a moment. T’Challa moves to stand by the chair/bed, watching Barnes carefully.

“How do you feel?”

Licking his lips Barnes seems to look down at his lap. “Better, I don’t feel so…tense” nodding, T’Challa starts to recite the words he had memorised by heart now. Barnes tenses as he always does when they do this part. However, apart from the initial tensing, there was no reaction. They waited a few moments but when Barnes felt no change, he looks up in wonder yet gratefulness.

���Y-You did it…”

Puffing up proudly behind her brother, Shuri comes closer now satisfied there’s no danger. “You’re all clear. The Winter Soldier cannot be used as a weapon ever again.”

“So he’s completely gone?...”

At this Shuri pauses as if considering her next word carefully. “We are not entirely sure, I believe experiences are still in there, memories. Things that will bleed over to you. Such as skills, but you have free will now. Think of it as a merge? We only really removed the triggers.”

“Thank you, truly” Barnes looked between them all gratefully. The sump where his left arm was is wrapped up with a dark rich blue cloth to hide the area from scrutiny. Barnes was truly indebted to these people who have not only, given him a safe haven to rest and relax but they have helped him become him again. Whatever he was now. He knows he’s not the Bucky from the 1940’s anymore. No matter how much Steve wished for him too. He was also no longer the Ghost Assassin of Hydra.

He had the freedom to become him again. Choose who he wanted to be.

And he had every intention of not fighting again for a long as he could help it.

M’Baku looked him over from his place by the wall still. He and Barnes haven’t interacted much due to him being mostly in cryo and the fact that too many Alphas around at once had made him skittish. What he did now he had gotten through stories from others. He had heard about the smooth charming Brooklyn Alpha from before the war. The Alpha that could charm a fish out of water effortlessly, who could make Betas and Omegas alike, swoon on the dance floor.

Soft quiet moments like this, M’Baku could only see a shy quiet man who just wants to be left alone to live peacefully. It’s not until he smiles that M’Baku gets a glimpse of the person from those stories. The endearingly soft smiles that make you warm inside when the smile is directed at you. Prompting you to smile back. The puppyish look in his blue eyes as Barnes tilts his head as he talks. Even that ridiculously soft brown hair that practically begs to be petted. A few times M’Baku had to refrain from reaching out to touch the fluffy strands. It was simply unfair. Since his wife who had died a few years back, leaving him and their children, M’Baku hadn’t so much as glanced at another. But Barnes was somehow changing that.

Another that had caught his interest was the Omega, Stark. The first time he had seen him in a video conference, M’Baku had to psychically bite his tongue, lest he says something stupid. The smaller man had been Devine to look at as he worked in his lab in the video. Soft dark brown hair gently curling at his ears and neck. Goggles pushed back on h forehead so he could see them, molten chocolate brown eyes had looked at them inquisitively, but M’Baku could see a spark of mischief as well. Just seeing his face and arms had been torture enough but the moment Stark had stood to retrieve something off screen giving them a glimpse of his ass and legs. M’Baku had to cough to cover for the small groan that had escaped. Going by Okoye’s small smirk. He hadn’t been too successful at hiding it.

For days after that video conference, Starks plush ass and perfect legs had been on his mind and starred in his dreams. He just wanted to grope at that ass and possibly bite it to leave his mark. The jeans Stark had been wearing had shown off all those delicious curves leaving M’Baku wanting.

Upon learning that T’Challa was reaching out to work with Tony on more future projects, M’Baku had none too subtly been bugging T’Challa to introduce him to Stark. He wanted to meet the genius. Perhaps try his hand at Wooing his into his bed. After looking up the man, M’Baku could agree that the man needed a god damn break from shit. Both Stark and Barnes just needed a break from shit life threw at them. And what more perfect way than in the middle of nowhere in Wakanda?

Grinning M’Baku pictured the Stark heir trying to climb a tree. Unaware that the room was looking at him oddly when he started chuckling to himself.

T’Challa was the one bravest to step forward. “M’Baku? What’s so funny?”

“Huh?” Coming back to focus, M’Baku looked around to see the stares and grinned. “Was just imagining T’Challa in crocodile-infested waters,” his grin grew wider at Barnes look of alarm, a few of the Dora looked mildly alarmed as well but stayed still as Okoye and T’Challa shook their heads amused. Shuri grinned outright at him, “did you yet him in?”

“Shuri please…” T’Challa groaned at his sister. Before any more words could be shared the palace shook slightly, a boom from a distance could be heard. Alert T’Challa ran to the nearest window, looking outside. To the distance just inside their borders, they could see a plane crashing down towards the trees and rivers below. M’Baku managed to catch a glimpse of the name on the side of the small plane. Stark.

Immediately, T’Challa shouted out commands for people to be sent to check the wreckage for any survivors. Also for someone to find out who had shot down that plane.

[pandafunkey809]

My Father... I guess that’s what I have to call him.

My father…. where do I begin. Well let’s just start with the most blatantly obvious aspect.

He is one of the most violent people I have ever had the absolute apocalyptic horror of merely being in contact with. Every day he goes to work in a foul mood, and every day he comes home in an even worse one after having let his anger stew and fester in his mind the whole day. Once he is in the car, he doesn’t even have to be home he just has to be on the way and talking to me or my mother or maybe one of my sisters, he will scream and shout and snarl and hit (if he’s in a particularly violent mood) and snap at anyone and everyone within earshot, especially me and my mother first and foremost. It doesn’t matter what he’s snarling about, he will take any question about how his day was at work or his thoughts on something and he will immediately use it to attack us about something. Whether it is something he demands we do that we haven’t done or haven’t finished doing, something he wants to be an ass to us about, or just something he wants to treat as an insult because he can violently skew it into being that way. He gets angry, and not regular angry, he gets violent throttle someone to death in cold blood with the clench toothed smile kind of angry. He has attacked me and my mother as well a few times because he’s angry and he wants to hurt someone because it feels good to him. True once he explodes on someone he simmers down to a mild grumble and MIGHT be able to be convinced to consider MAYBE apologizing them IF HE FEELS LIKE IT; but a day passes and he’s just as awful as the day before if not worse. 

Secondly, he is a drunk. True everyone is entitled to do what they will in their spare time, but in his spare time he is ALWAYS drunk. Sadly it is also the only time he ever acts like a father and a husband. Everyone has told him on many occasions to not drink because he was on a plane and expected to be presentable, he was going to dinner and expected to be presentable and behave himself, he was going to be out in public and expected to be presentable, but every time he has gotten piss drunk to at least some degree. The only exception was my older sister’s graduation because she is his perfect little angel (even though she is the most disgustingly heartless and hateful person I’ve ever known but she is not the subject here) and even then the minute it was over and he was in the car he pulled out a beer and started chugging. He needs help because he is drunk, he needs to be hauled off somewhere to be rehabilitated because he is a violent murderer just waiting for a chance to pop out. 

He hides from the world behind his bible and claims it gives him amnesty to any and all unacceptable behaviour on his part, he’ll apologize for doing something and then do it again not even an hour later, and he views his wife and children as nothing more than his property to do with as he pleases. 

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that yet, my father views his wife and children as his property. His wife as a doll or pet to treat however he pleases, and his children as trophies to prove that he had sex that made people who would get people’s attention but that all their success is due to him putting his dick in a hole. He shows me off because I am (debatably in my own eyes) a good looking guy to say, “Hey look at my son, doesn’t he look handsome? That’s all my doing, not genetics!” He talks about my sisters to say, “Look at how successful my eldest daughter is, she would never be that success full if I hadn’t fucked her into existence, look at all these cool things my second daughter is trying out, I’m so cool aren’t I?” Our achievements are not our achievements, but his achievements in his eyes. Anything he gives us is not our stuff, but his stuff he has given us but it is still his according to him. 

However this greedy and prideful mindset has a fatal flaw. Our stuff is his stuff, but when we lose things he views it as him suffering from it. Our successes are his successes and his alone, but so are our failures. This is why he is so angry at me all the time. I’m, not in college and too terrified to go into it without having had a job beforehand, I’ve been trying for 3 years to get a job and had no success, and though I’m still trying he views this as a failure that makes him look bad and by extension views me as a failure. So he cracks the whip and harasses me, howls at me, snarls at me, and makes violent threats that he’ll says he’ll carry out if I don’t “step it up and get a fucking job because it’s not fucking hard to fucking get one”. All because I’m his failure in his eyes and he just can’t stand that smudge on his delusionally clean record. He also views his wife, my mother, in a similar manner. Sure she takes care of the bills and dinner and cleaning, but because the house isn’t spotless he views her like some stupid mutt who ate the paper and barfed it back on the floor instead of bringing it to him along with his slippers and 8 billion dollars. He treats my mother, HIS GOD DAMN WIFE, like some worthless whore who does nothing but piss about and sit on her ass, but when I act anything like how he does because I can’t hold back anymore I’m a horrible violent person who is behaving unacceptably. We got into this argument and I called him out on it, I said, “You treat her the exact same way, how is that any different?” you know what his response was? His reason for frequent, loud, violent verbal abuse and occasional physical abuse/threats over the past 14 years of my life at a minimum? “SHE IS NOT MY MOTHER, BOY!” …….. this man… no… this violent pig….. thinks that is is perfectly acceptable….. to behave in a way he would never behave toward his mother….. toward his wife…. someone who he made a verbal and physical oath to love and cherish to the end of their days…. someone who he made a commitment to care for and love. If that doesn’t qualify him as violent, abusive drunk who needs the police called on his ass… then I don’t fucking know what is.

[meanwhileinoz]

People Share The Grossest Things That Have Ever Happened To Them During Sex That’ll Make You Barf

Let’s face it. Everybody love sex. The experience of sex is distinct and truly one of its own kind. Honestly, life would be so boring without it. However, even though sex is as great as it can get, it does “come” with some situations that can sometimes get awkward and very unpleasant. Here are some of the stories from Reddit that people have shared.

CAUTION: THIS IS HIGHLY NSFW.

#1 Reading this by fineblushlane will make you want to think TWICE before randomly giving head to someone you don’t know.

So a few years ago I had brought a new girl back to my apartment after being out drinking all evening. We were too drunk to make the beast with two backs so we passed out until morning.

When we awoke we started kissing and canoodling and I decided to go down on her. This is one of my favorite things and generally will do it as long as it takes to make a girl orgasm…

Anyway, I head down south and pull down her panties to see the hairiest bush i’ve ever seen in my life. Not only is it hairy but the hair is very long and also messy looking, kind of bedraggled. Like a homeless guys beard or an abandoned birds nest.

Slightly less enthused but still determined I plunged in face-first and started getting busy. The taste of this beaver, if possible, was worse than it looked. It was fetid and bitter and to make matters worse I had numerous pubic hairs caught in my throat which were tickling me and making me cough.

I decided to pull back for a second to regain my composure. I thought if I pulled open her lady-bits I might be able to have a better angle of attack on her clit. I opened up her pussy to a terrible sight. There were multiple lumps of what looked like cottage cheese dotted around her pussy lips and clit.Each lump ranged from a few millimeters in width to half a centimeter in size. It looked like some sort of fungus was growing there.

Needless to say I was fucking revolted and started gagging. I knew that despite my love of pussy I could not go down on her again without puking my guts up. I mumbled some excuse about a headache and not feeling good and fled to the bathroom, whereupon I spent ten minutes washing my mouth out and brushing my teeth.

Even now I shudder when I think back upon “cottage cheese pussy girl”.

Edit: A friend just pointed out to me that the girl from my story is now the Lehman Bros of spank bank material. Perhaps if you ever have a boner and want to lose it sharpishly you can think of cottage cheese?

#2 This story by SisterNamedJan took the famous phrase “Giving someone the taste of their own medicine” to a whole new level.

  He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.

Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.

  #3 Aaaaaa667’s girl is definitely a keeper

  I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway…midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabbid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin….but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a 3/4 circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back….

She’s a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together…

  #4 This one by kidmonsters almost made me puke.

  I was in a band in college and we played a show this one weekend. I was pretty smashed after drinking for free all night, and this surprisingly cute chick saunters up and started with the whole, “oh my god, you like write songs and stuff?” Despite the fact that I am usually a bit shy in situations like this, she had her arm around me and is doing all the work. “Fuck it, let’s do this,” I think to myself. While she is mid-sentence, I grabbed her hand and started walking her out the door.

We headed back to her apartment, and things started to heat up. We were on her bed, ripping off eachother’s clothes. Suddenly, in one swift move, she pounced me, knocked me onto my back, jumped on top of me, spun around and started sucking me off, 69 style. I was totally into it, and started reciprocating. Only a few moments pass before I felt a tap on my forehead. My face was fully between her legs, yet there was this tap tap tap on my forehead. Every couple of seconds, tap tap tap. This tapping continued and started to take me out of the moment. I pried my face from between her legs to get a better view of what was going on. To my horror, I witnessed, dangling from her asshole, a fucking tape worm, bouncing like a fettuccine noodle with every excited movement she made. I was totally disgusted, but kind of in shock, and she had no idea what is going on, just gobbling away down there. Before I knew it, I had thrown her off of me and I was stringing together a long series of “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” as I put on my pants and ran out the door.

  So, the boy and I like some backdoor fun from time to time. We talk about it more than we do it because it’s tiresome to get ready and clean up after… usually worth it though ;). One Saturday afternoon, the boy is performing some world class cuminonumbulus when I feel a pressure at my nether orifice. I soon realised he was using some beads on me. We had some filthy and very very satisfying sex, then I went to the bathroom to clean up without removing the beads.

I’m so glad I did that.

I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.

I’m so glad I did that.

Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.

I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.

  #6 That has got to hurt. _NetWorK_ hope its ok now.

I had this happen to me too, got home from working a night shift 8pm to 8am went at it with the wife then noticed a bit of blood, figured oh she started her period got off went to the washroom to clean up then noticed blood on the bathroom floor figured I must of have not wiped the underside, my stomach churned when I saw that my frenulum (banjo string) was now in two pieces. This is when the pain starts…

Had to call my friend who worked close to my house get him to get out of work 30 minutes early to drive me to the hospital. Here’s the main content of our conversation.

“Hey John, it’s Mike can you drive me to the hospital? I think I broke it.” “Broke what?” “IT man” “Oh shit I’ll be right over”

The trip to the hospital was another story within itself, ended up having a to have it packed with surgical skin graph (they are special bandages that are meant to promote skin repairs) and not use it for 5 days… I waited 3 and now it’s all messed up it can pop out whenever it wants and where it’s suppose to stop it just keeps rolling back… I really should have waited to extra 2 days 🙁

#7 That accelerated quickly. Darzel’s experience is more of a lesson.

Girl beneath me, rolls me over onto my back – in the process we roll off the bed and we land on the floor, me on the bottom and her still straddling me. Her leg went straight through a big glass of water. Blood everywhere. She had lacerated her leg straight to the bone in a clean cut: I could see her muscle. Within ten minutes of our initial playing around there were 6 firemen and 3 policemen in the room (she was mental and shouted down the phone that I had a gun so they would come sooner). I was high and drunk and so her roomie took control. Paralysed by shock and weed, I had to hide while they took her in the ambulance as she was THAT crazy that I was expecting her to call rape.

She required 62 stiches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.

This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life

  #8 Love is in the air, is it not mads-8?

Sixty-Nine. She came. She farted. My hair blew in it’s fetid breeze.

  #9 When you are really determined, you do what apatton19 did.

A girl I had been dating for awhile climbed on me for 69. As she scooted back, I saw something white, realized too late that it was a clump of toilet paper, and got it in my mouth. Pretty nasty, but I spit it out and kept going.

  #10 Oh my, you don’t see that every day now do you? By amaacct.

I work in an emergency room. One time we had a patient who had a colostomy (for those who don’t know, this is a surgically placed hole in the abdomen where shit comes out of after the colon is rerouted away from the ass)

Anyway, some girl comes in once with an infection in her stoma (abdominal shithole). Turns out it was gonorrhea. Her husband had been cheating on her, picked it up and had been fucking her in her stoma

  #11 Parallel universe version of ‘don’t forget to pull out’ by hong_kong_phooey

  Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn’t feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior…and i had to help pull it out….

  #12 Tellme_areyoufree ‘s poor roommate will never think about this the same way again.

Freshman year of college, I met this guy and brought him back to my dorm (I’m also a guy). He seemed nice and everything, and he was cute, and we started to fuck around. Eventually he decided he wanted to bottom (i.e. get fucked), and so we started having intercourse…

I started to smell the distinct smell of fecal matter very soon. I thought “whatever, I guess you should expect a little smell when having anal sex.” I continued, and the smell continued to get worse.

Eventually, we finish, and I pull out – only to see a stream of shit spew out of his ass. It was everywhere. I mean, fucking everywhere. It was explosive diarrhea-type shit, on my bed, on me, on the wall even.

… and then my roomate walked in.

I found out later that the dude had a severe bowel problem of some kind, and really shouldn’t have bottomed. My ex-roomate is still a friend of mine, and I still have to assure him that that’s not what gay sex generally looks like.

#13 Quite not what Pict was expecting..

Sucking a chicks nipple in the dark. She was loving it. All of a sudden there is liquid.. Lactating.. sick. So keep going, she seems to be loving it.

Lights come on, dun dun dunnn, I had been sucking the pus out of a boil.

  #14 This story by TI-83 doesn’t have a happy ending.

I remember this story happening to an acquaintance a few years ago.. So said acquaintance meets up with a few friends and they roadtrip for a night of drinking and debauchery in Canadia. The group ends up at a strip club and the protagonist of the story ends up picking up one of the strippers by the nights end. For some unknown reason, this guy thought it was a good idea to go down on the stripper before they do the nasty. They all drive home the next day and all is good. The day after driving back, the guy wakes up in the morning and can’t open his eyes and proceeds to freak out. Paramedics are called. Turns out that the stripper he had gone down on had crabs. The crabs had gotten into his eyelashes and surrounding areas. Literally his eyes were crusted shut from the various liquids his body expelled (blood, plasma, etc.) as a result of the crabs feeding off his lifeblood. Horrible stuff.

  #15 Pay heed to what Sobe86 says at the end.

I was going out with a girl, and one night we got drunk and had sex without protection. She wasn’t on the pill, so she had to go to the pharmacy and get a morning-after type thing.

So a few days later, we were fooling around in the dark. I fingered her a bit, went down on her. I noticed it tasted a little weirder than normal, but didn’t say anything. She repaid me in similar fashion. Afterwards I go to the bathroom, and turn the light on. My whole face and arms are covered in blood. I look like a vampire after a feeding frenzy. Initially I thought it was a cut on my face or something, but I couldn’t find anything wrong. Also, the blood was not like any blood I’d seen before, like it was really thick and gooey. So I go back to the bedroom, turn the light on, and her entire lower regions are bathed in this syrupy horrible red gunk. It’s all over the bed sheets, and all down the side of her legs.

She understandably freaks out. We call emergency services etc. At first we thought I cut her down there with my fingernails or something. But it turns out when a girl uses emergency contraception, it can wreak havoc with her menstrual cycle. And I spent 5 minutes lapping up her period blood. We never spoke of it again. Remember kids: if she isnt on the pill, use a fucking condom.

  #16 I-330‘s guy will never keep a pet cat.

Last summer my husband and I were living with roommates who had a cat. We were drinking and started getting hot and heavy, he stripped down and jumped on the bed, said something about it being wet and jumped back up. One of us had left our bedroom door cracked and the cat had gotten stuck in the room, and pooped all over our bed. Worse is that apparently this cat was sick with worms. My poor husband was covered in kitty diarrhea, blood and worms.

#17 What emorrow64 shares is more than just a bad experience.

Goin down on a guy can be like being locked in the trunk of a car with old cheese. WASH YOUR BALLS! And it wouldn’t hurt to trim a lil. The grossest sexual encounter I’ve had was a guy who sweat so profusely it was dripping on me, then he flipped his sweaty ass around into my face to attempt what I can only assume was a 69 position but was more like bein force fed a butt sandwich and I could see the sweat glistening on his ass/ball hair, that, and the cheez smell coming from his balls made my eyes water and I threw him off me and ran to the shower. 30 minutes of soap and hot water and I still didn’t feel clean.

  #18 An all-time classic story by rivalthecreator but just as unpleasant at the same time.

Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.

He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it…but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn’t want to offend her though because he hadn’t seen her in months…so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn’t do much to help.

In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her… and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only…it wasn’t the Jolly Rancher.

It was a nodule of gonorrhea.

As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth…

He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.

So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else.

#19 The description by Criscoxl is actually gross, but the thing as a whole is very cute!

So this one time I’m having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.

Then about 9 months later a fucking little human being comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!

The little fucker is still living with us.

http://ift.tt/2fytvHN