#also same on the theme front man i cant make one to save my life orz my friend makes mine fdshfds

[veiliisms]

@loielic

“you’re serious? a damn pack of wolves, an’ you an’ morgan still brought the sorry bastard back all on your own? hah. javi, you’re a saint,”

he slams the bottle of liquor back on the table in front of them - at least this doesn’t fail to keep them warm. he rubs his hands together a little more, before reaching back for the schofield. “... what a fuckin’ adventure, though. take me with you next time.”

[thewolfisapartofmysoul]

Okay lovelies...

Me and the sweet sweet sweet @ironmansuucks have been working on a really special something.

Dewey Finn x Reader, going to pride together!!!!!

(Heads up. Dewey being bisexual here... just throwing it out. If thats not your cup of tea... scroll along 🤫🙃)

Hope you guys enjoy! Happy pride!💓💖💗💙💚💓🧡🖤💝💜💞

Proud to be at Pride with you.

June 1st. You thought to yourself as you lay in bed, waiting on Dewey to rise from his slumber. He was cuddled into you, his head on your chest, legs intertwined with your own, and your fingers were slowly and softly running though his messy hair. You wondered if he would wake up in a better mood. Last night he had been grumbling about some stupid co worker making comments about him, which made him feel insecure. You felt like you could go down and punch the guy. You made sure to give Dewey loads of cuddles and kisses.

He began to wake up, and you could feel him nuzzle himself into your chest further. “morning baby” you cooed to him, to which he replied with a grumble. You smirked at him. “what’s the plan today then my love?” you questioned, to see how he would react. Again, he grumbled. “to sleep all day”. You knitted your eyebrows playfully and lifted his head so you could look at his sleepy face. His eyes slowly peeked open and looked at you.

“you’re going to sleep all day? Today?”

“yeah. Its Saturday.. that’s what I always do on Saturdays..” he also knitted his eyebrows. his low grumbly voice really getting you, making your stomach flutter.

“even on this Saturday?” you began to smirk. You could see the cogs turning in his sleepy brain. His eyes squinting, eyebrows furrowed and mouth pouting.

“this Saturday…?” and then the realisation hit. “is it June?!?!?!” he asked excitedly. His eyes lighting up, sparkling with the same energy that you were first ever attracted to.

you smirked and nodded slowly “June 1st baby”. you couldn’t help but giggle at how giddy and happy he was. His face the happiest you had seen it in weeks.

Dewey pulled you into his embrace, the tightest, most joyous hug you had ever received and he started to pepper loving little kisses all of your face excitedly. “June.. is my… favourite… month… and you.. are my… favourite… human” he managed out between sporadic kisses. You giggled underneath him, at how is scruff was tickling your face and how his fingers sent goose bumps up your spine as they rubbed circles into your skin.

But suddenly you are released from his grip and he is clambering out of the sheets in a rush. “dewey what are you doing?” you laugh at him.

“wait wait wait I have a surprise!” he heads to the chest of drawers and starts to rake through them. “can’t it wait until after coffee and cuddles?” you giggle. “nope”. He shook his head and continued to look.

“ah ha! Here they are!” suddenly he pulled something out of the drawer, you couldn’t make out what it was yet but you could see when he began to scramble back over to the bed. What ever it was, it was rainbow patterned. You grinned.

He jumped down on the bed, grin spreading from ear to ear, crossing his legs sitting in front of you. His messy bed head making him look as cute as ever, like a literal child on Christmas. The morning glow lighting him up and creating a soft atmosphere.

He has his hands behind his back, hiding whatever it was he fetched out the drawer. “okay.. you ready babe?” he almost squealed with excitement. You sat up on your elbow and grinned at him, nodding.

“okay.. here you go”. Dewey handed you a little rainbow bundle. It was a pair of rainbow, pride patterned socks, and around the socks was the pick bracelet that Dewey had gotten you 5 years ago, the first time you both celebrated pride together. It was a little rainbow guitar pick, it was sheer, and attached to a metal bracelet, so you could wear it all month. And to match, he had gotten himself a matching guitar pick, one that he could carry around in his pocket, and use it when he was playing, all through the month of June, and of course he had bought himself some pride socks too.

“I almost forgot about the picks!” you exclaimed as you quickly snapped it around your wrist and looked up lovingly at Dewey. “yeah and I also got us socks! And- and we can wear them all month like we can just wash them every night, and-and I can wear my pride tie to work, the kids will love it so much, and we can bake rainbow cupcakes and..” he was so excited. You decided to calm him down by pulling him into a loving kiss by grabbing his t shirt and pulling him into you.

“and guess what else..” you pulled away from him and smirked, loving the playfulness in his eyes. “what?” he asked excitedly.

“well, I finally found us a pride festival to go to this year!” you just about shrieked with happiness.

You honestly thought Dewey could cry. “no- no way..” he trailed off as his features got bigger and wider than before. “when?” he bubbled with joy.

“it’s in two weeks baby” you moved your hands to his face and rubbed his cheeks lovingly.

Dewey just about launched himself at you. He was speechless, so he used his lips to tell you how he felt instead, pushing you back down on to the bed, as his hands began to roam your body. His lips moving with yours rhythmically.

The thing was, up until a few years ago, Dewey was battling with his sexuality. And it wasn’t until you guys became friends, and he really started to experiment and learn and find himself a little more, that he realised that he was bi. Then eventually you guys became closer and one thing led to another, and here you were.

Dewey had always supported the LGBTQ+ community, but he had never been able to find a festival close to him that he could go to. And you knew he would love it. You could pretty much see him bouncing about, the happiest he had ever been, and you couldn’t wait until he could finally experience it so soon. But it was still two weeks away.

So the two weeks leading up were filled with pride activities.

You guys baked rainbow coloured cupcakes, and Dewey was super bummed when the colours weren’t vibrant and looked kinda dull. But you saved the day by running to the store and buying some pre made ones. And of course he wore his rainbow tie and socks every day. Dewey bought so many different things to take with you guys to the festival; flags, sun-glasses, more socks and all of it rainbow themed.

But what Dewey didn’t know, was that you had something super special for him lined up at night time.

.....

Your heart sang with the amount of Joy you noticed Dewey was experiencing already... and you guys had only been driving to Pride. It was early in the morning and the sun was coming up, replacing the moon, taking over her task as she went down slowly and took the stars with her.

Blasting Bohemian Rhapsody through the speakers as you two you sang along on the top of your lungs. Dew of course on key. You definetly off key. "Darlin'... Sweety... Angel... I love you so much, but you really can't sing..." Dewey whined dramatically as he threw his head back and flopped his hands for emphasis.

You reached out to pinch his scruffy sheek, and grabbed his hand to stop the floppy drama he had going on. You chuckled and kissed his wrist: "Hey... Dewdrop... This is us jamming okay? No Idols. Iknow i cant sing... but luckely I got killer looks, so I make up for it... right?"

Dewey got a mischievous smile on his lips and snorted lightly, pulling your intertwined hands back to him, and toyed with your Rainbow-pick-bracelet. He brought your hands to his lips and kissed the little trinket, humming contently as he did so. After that Dewey kissed his way up from the bracelet to your upper arm, scruff tickling your arm slightly as he did so.

You chuckled and yelped a bit at the tickling sensation, you hissed: "Dew! No teasing when im driving bud'! Its dangerous... Also REALLY wanna see your happy face when we're finally at pride Dew..." You threw Dewey a side-glance and quickly got your eyes on the road again. That glint of his absolute happyness and anticipation on his face was enough to make you smile yourself.

His lips still on your upper arm Dewey mumbled against your arm: "...you're forgiven, gorgeous.... please tell me we are almost theeeeere...?"

"Dew... I will disown you... if you ask me one more time... We said 10... this is #9..." you joked and felt Deweys breath as he huffed on your arm. And with a childish pout he pulled back. Slumping in his seat. His frown only lasted two seconds, then he perked up in his seat and yelled along with: YMCA. All bouncy joy again.

Probably the mix of anticipation and nerves making him even more bouncy then usual. Your mind drifted: 'had it been the 4 cups of coffee Dew have had?' You glanced sideways again and noticed a VERY happy, joyfull, bouncy Dewey Finn. Sending butterflies down your belly as he shamelessly danced along with the radio. So much dedication and enthausiasm in his every move. Flipping his hair as he rocked on the beat. The brown curls seemed to radiate his joy in life as well, the sun reflected a golden glow on them. He bopped his head and screamed along with the lyrics. Gosh... how you adored every inch of that man, your mister Finn...

....

After 40 minutes and a few more whiny asks from Dewey you told your boy: "We're here Dewdrop..." and stopped the van, but before you came to a completed stop Dewey opened his door already. The boy practically buzzed with excitement when he launched himself out of the van.

He skipped (Yes. Skipped...) towards your side of the car and opened the door for you with a flourish. A wide grin lay on his face and his eyes sparkled with excitement. His brown curls stood upright in literally every direction. You reached out to fix his 'rockstar' hair and messed with it untill you were content. Dewey huffed but let you ruffle it untill you were happy again, he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss on your nose. His scruff tickled a bit and you giggled when you slapped his hands away. He huffed dramatically: "Awwww... baby... i just wanted to fix your hair too..."

You frowned a bit and replied: "Why? Is it odd Dewdrop?"

He snickered and brushed your cheek with his calloused fingers: "No sweety... its just... you look WAY too gorgeous to be legal..."

You playfully hit his chest and gave him a quick peck. Dewey pulled you out of the car enthausiasticly and pulled you in a tight hug as you literally stumbled into his arms.

Well... you tried to hug him... but... his bouncing made that nearly impossible.

You nuzzled into his neck: "Lets go rockstar!"

He whooped again, snatched the pride flags out of your hands and took a hold of your shoulders. Swiftly and smoothly turning you around with a chuckle and you obligied. Happy that your bouncy boy was this happy.

Dewey stopped bouncing for a second and tied the flag around your shoulders. Humming happily into your hair: "If capes ever come back into fashion... you'd rock them sweetheart."

You chucked and replied with a snort: "...Says the man with the mismatching vests and ties... Dewdrop... you wear happy socks... even in the summer!! I love every inch of you... but your fashion sence is dramatic!"

Dewey chuckled in response and patted your shoulders, turning so you could turn his flag into a cape as well. You couldnt hold back a smirk as your sweet boy replied:

"Baby... we all know... Everything's wrong with me... except my fashion sence..."

Gosh what a dork. But it was your dork.

Dewey turned around and pulled you flush against him. His hands slid towards your waist. His lips ghosted over yours and he breathed: "... Youknow you love my 'messy teacher' vibe babe... Yesterday we did some GREAT stuff with that ugly tie of mine... Remember?"

You swallowed thickly at the momory and smiled at how easy this man had you swooning. It was a talent indeed.

Your cheeks turned bright red and you had to admit: "Yeah Dew... you rock everything you wear. I have to give you that. Okay?"

Dewey pulled you into a sweet kiss and you whispered: "Okay champ... the ties can stay. And... Yesterdaywasreallyfunandyouactuallyturnmeonwearingthose..."

Dewey smirked: "What did ya say dear? Dont mumble... use your words." Dewey winked suggestively and continued: "We also discussed that yesterday remember, love...?"

You rolled your eyes and pecked him once more. Dewey was literally pouting when you pulled back that quickly. "Okay champ... enough ego boosting for today..." you chirped and you ruffled his hair. Deweys eyes widened manically and a grin appeared on his face. He bounced up and down, had JUST enough patience to fistbump you and ran off to the ticket booth after. One ball of excitement and pure joy.

You shook your head, in amazement of his engery, and your heart full of love.

You saw Dewey turn around... flapping his 'rainbow-cape' dramatically when he started to make flying sound effects and humm the tune to batman.

"COME ON BABE!!! I'm so exciteddd!! Lets go lets go lets goooo!!"

....

You've been wandering around for hours and were still amazed by the fact that Dewey still bounced. The exact same energy as 6 hours ago, still radiated of his happy-being. Dewey talked to everyone and anyone. Literally everyone. You knew he was enthusiastic. But... this was another level of excitement.

Randomly wandering around, eating snacks, slurping slushies, and randomly chat and high-five with people who glanced your way. His good vibe was just contagious.

You secretly lead Dewey towards the stage in the middle of the event.

You had been making up a plan with Ned, and the kids from school. Dewey loved jamming on his guitar and peforming. But...

You just knew your Dewey would be over the moon, if he found out he could actually play at pride.

So you made sure all of his stuff and equipment was on spot. The kids helped and Ned helped them with transporting all the gear.

Dewey was still oblivious, untill this moment. His happy eyes sparkled as he took in all the different pride flags and various people that were gathered around the stage. "Hey babe... thanx for taking me..." he suddenly spoke after he enthausiastically kissed your cheek. "...it's great to see everyone is so chill... with... everyone. Everyone can be who they are here. Thats... its..." you felt Deweys arms sneak around your waist and you pulled him into a tight hug. Supporting him. You knew what he wanted to say. He didnt need to finish, you felt it too.

It made you feel accepted. Valid. And loved. It made you feel less alone.

You squeezed him against you and breathed in his scent. In your embrace you mumbled in his ear: "Iknow Dew... iknow... I love you..."

Dewey pulled back, gazed into your eyes and you noticed his glassy eyes when he replied: "... you are weird... I like you..."

You snorted at his reply and cheekily awnsered: "Honeydew... We've been dating for almost 2 years... I know you like me..."

Deweys eyes shot from your eyes to your lips and back when he mumbled: "...You are the Nutella to my spoon, baby..."

His tone was playfull but his eyes shimmered with sincerity and love after his confession. You looked into his eyes and Dewey mumbled the softest: "...I love you too."

You chuckled emotionally and pulled him into the softest kiss you two had ever shared. The man may suck with admitting his feelings... but the look in his brown eyes told you all you needed to know. Nothing but pure admiration was seen in his eyes and the two of you revelled in the moment untill a sound on stage got your attention.

....

Your eyes met Deweys shocked ones and in his eyes were a mix of utter joy and panic, when he heared his name being called upon the stage.

"You're welcome rockstar. Rock their socks off my dear..."

You pulled him in your arms again and kissed his stunned face. Dewey smiled and you felt his tight body relax when his lips met yours.

You pulled back and Dewey had a determained look in his eyes. All excitement and dedication now...

Untill...

The panic came crushing back onto his calm features.

Dewey quickly searched his pockets, front ones, back ones, the pockets in his jacket... hell... he even checked yours. He ruffled a hand through his hair and bit the inside of his cheek. A thing he only did when he was in utter panic and distress. "Wha-.... Whatsupp... Dew? What's wrong?" You muttered at his anxious form.

Dewey looked at you with a lost, puppy like look in his eyes. Not a happy puppy. A puppy who just had been scolded and beat to top it all off. Your heart sank at his lost expression and your heart hurted for your poor boy.

He mumbled with a shaking voice: "My erhm... I lost my pick..."

You grabbed his chin and pressed a sweet kiss on his sad lips. "HoneyDew... What's mine..."

You took of your bracelet and gave Dewey the rainbow pick that was inside the bracelet...

"What's mine... is also yours... Now... Go blow their friggin minds Dew!"

Dewey whooped loudly, took the pick out of your hands, pressed a happy kiss on the top of your forehead and jumped on stage. He bounced up towards Ned who was holding up his guitar to him, and blew a kiss your way before he strummed his first chord on the stage of Pride.

.....

Dewey was all sweaty after a few hours of jamming on stage. You think you never saw the sweet boy happier to play anywhere else. This felt like home to the both of you. The vibe. The people. The fact that the two of you shared this experience had made your connection even deeper.

You watched a tired but beaming Dewey strut your way. His guitar dangled around his shoulder, and he held your pick in his hand when the other let you guide him off the stage. Once he was down he took you in his arms and dipped you down dramatically before he kissed you.

After you were done chuckling you gazed lovingly in his eyes and he carefully placed the pick back around your waist, pressing a kiss on it once he was finished securing it.

"Dew... I never get tired of watching you. In general. Watching you play is magically always. You just awesomed all over the place."

Dewey looked at you and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you in a tight hug while he muttered into your hair: "Life wouldnt be half as awesome if I couldnt share it with you, my love... We awesome together... Awesoming with you is just... awesome..."

You grinned at the awfull pun, gosh... How you adored that man. You smiled against his lips: "Hey Dew... Im really proud to be at Pride with you..." Dewey kissed you again and whispered over your lips between kisses: "Me too darling. Me too."

🏳️‍🌈

@ironmansuucks @paxenera @heknowshisherbs @hoodoo12 @large-unit @little-miss-shy-goth @thats-specific @vicunaburger @go-commander-kim @stranger-strings @gegehaddock @bugdrinkss

My sweet lovely souls. You are all valid. You are appreciated, accepted and loved. 💝💞💜🧡🖤💓💚💙💗💖🏳️‍🌈🌈

@ironmansuucks .... it was (and always will be) a true honour to write this one with you. Thanx for the support. (In more ways then one)...

[bleufrost]

Crawl Home to Her || A Ben Hanscom Series

Chapter Four: Not a Stranger

a/n: aaand we're back! let's see if I can get y'all back into this like im getting myself back into writing it (:

thank you all for being patient with me, if youre still here reading I love you so much.

masterlist

summary

rating: m for graphic depictions of violence, gore, and adult themes

The few feet between Ali and Ben feel like miles as her feet push her forward. Ali was refusing to bother with words, knowing exactly who this man was and how desperately she had waited for him all these years. His arms part instinctively, holding her to his chest as if it were the safest place in the universe and he was determined to protect her. Although years were spent apart, the feeling of being strangers was lost on both Ali and Ben; instead being replaced by the knowledge that they had not only grown up together, but had also been a saving grace for each other. 

Ali’s breathing becomes unsteady as she feels Ben’s hand slide up to her neck. She isn’t afraid of him by any means, but the realization that somewhere in her life she forgot about him makes her uneasy; guilty in more ways than one. Tears spring to her eyes and a panic she has not felt since childhood comes upon her suddenly, causing Ben to pull back and look her over quickly in search of the cause of her distress. 

“Hey, what’s wrong? I know I look different, but I swear I’m not a stranger.” Ben laughs nervously, trying to lighten the mood while also allowing her a moment to breathe. His hands never leave her, part of him unwilling in the event that she might slip away from him once more. 

“I tried so hard for so long to remember you, but I never could. Ben, I forgot about you and I know that sounds awful but I swear I never meant to. You were always there, right at the edge of my mind, but I could never reach you. I’m so sorry.” Her voice shakes as she speaks and Ben has the overpowering need to hold her again and reassure her that everything was perfectly okay. So, that’s exactly what he does.

His thumbs brush across her cheeks, wiping away the tears that slipped past her eyes. “It’s not your fault, Ali. I’m sure Mike will explain everything, but from what I heard you aren’t the only one who’s had some missing pieces from their memory. It’s okay, we can catch up and everything will feel like we never spent a second apart.” Her breathing is still heavy, but a small smile finds its way upon her lips. He reciprocates and there is nothing he wants more than to kiss her in that moment, but he knows that he can't. She just admitted that she had forgotten everything for the longest time, throwing something like that on her now when she was just starting to get her life back was unfair and selfish. He had waited years, a little longer would be no problem at all.

“You ready to go in?” His voice was calm and patient, letting her know that she was allowed to take as much time as she needs. She was ready now though, something deep within her telling her that she could do anything now that the piece she was missing had been found. The pair begin to walk closer to the entrance, taking comfort in the close proximity of their bodies. 

Standing right in front of the door was someone that they both had missed severely; even if Ali just now was remembering that she did. Ben reaches down, giving a reassuring squeeze to her hand and smiling toward the girl that had been his first official crush. “Is there a password or something?” Ali laughs beside him, Ben really was proving himself to be the master of throwing back phrases at people. It just further solidified what Ali already knew: they all meant something extraordinary to each other. 

Recognition does not dawn on Beverly Marsh’s face as quickly as it did Ali’s. She turns and stares for a moment. “I’m sorry?” The wrapper crinkles in Ali’s hand as she tears it off and slowly pops the candy into her mouth. Beverly watches her and slowly, her face begins to change with a sense of recollection. 

“New Kid?” His voice is hopeful as he says the nickname aloud for the first time in forever. The redhead’s eyes scan over Ali and Ben a little longer as the gears work in her head. “Ali? Ben?” Ali smiles excitedly and Ben lets out a relieved puff of air. While she nods her head, smile still beaming back at Beverly, Ben lifts his arm gently in an attempt to welcome Beverly into a hug. Bev comes forward, wrapping her arms around the both of them quickly and laughing. 

“Oh my god!” The three stand there for a while, hugging in a way that feels familiar to each of them. Ali never enjoyed being touched by other people, she shied away from hugs and general contact because it always felt so wrong to her. This though, felt right. She felt comfortable for the first time in as far back as her still-hazy memory could go. 

“it's been so long.” When Ben says this, it sounds less like a sad regret and more like a happy reassurance. It had been so long, but the wait was over at last. 

"You guys look great!" Seperating, the trio find the source of the voice in the form of who could only be Richie Tozier. He looks down at himself and scoffs. “What the fuck happened to me?” 

Once more, Ali finds herself closing the distance between herself and her old friend. Images flash before her eyes, showing her of a time when her and Richie would get into arguments, sometimes heated, that would always end in rolling eyes and smiles. He had kept her on her toes as a kid, but sometimes things like that only prove to strengthen the bond you have with someone. 

Part of Ali was expecting to see someone else walk up with Richie; she doesn’t know why but the distinct recollection of his lovestruck face brings itself to the forefront of her mind and she is almost disappointed to find him alone. 

“Hey Trashmouth!” They all laugh while Ali and Richie hug. The nickname definitely came easy to remember. “Are you fucking serious? I escape this shit for years just to come back and immediately get fucking ridiculed. That’s unreal, Ugly Duckling.” Ali pulls back from the hug and stares at him with shock on her face. Now that was a name she hadn’t heard in forever. 

Ben almost intervenes, afraid that maybe Ali won’t receive the banter as such. It takes a moment, but the shock slowly slides into amusement. She shoves his shoulder and hugs him again; she really had missed them all.

The rest of them greet each other with warm smiles, Beverly and Ben also fall victim to Richie’s incessant need to say whatever’s on his mind, and soon it is time to go in. 

With shaky hands, Ali follows the group to the entrance of the brightly lit restaurant. She falls behind a bit, trying to hide behind the rest of them as Richie continues to lighten the mood with his voice. It takes only a second for Ben to turn and notice how quiet she has gotten, and in that same second he halts his walking, waits for her to catch up, and falls into step alongside her. 

Their shoulders bump as they walk and Ali finds the feeling of warmth radiating from his open palm to be immensely more inviting than the illuminated building. His knuckles graze hers gently, as though he is calling her toward him in a way. She takes the invitation as soon as he is willing to give it, slowly sliding her hand into his larger one.

Ben doesn’t look down when he feels her soft hand find his own. He simply takes it and wraps his fingers in hers, driving away the cold of her palm with the comforting heat of his body. The nervous trembling doesn’t stop, but it does subside and that is more than Ben could ever ask for. 

Finally looking down, Ben catches the twinkling lights reflecting in Ali’s eyes. Smiling felt so foreign to him until today, and he feels his eyes come alight for what very well may be the thousandth time since arriving. Her own mouth curves up into the smallest of smiles as she notices him staring, and Ben can’t help but think it is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen.

Tags (ive been gone a while so i understand if youd like to be taken off, just message me): @stanley-barbs​ @bvrningdesires​ @floralpiper​ @thesmittenkitkat​ @daisysinadarkmedow​ @auggusst​ @isabellathedreamer​ @makbubblefandom​ @1988-fiend​ @alexther11​ @goldenmoonbeam​

let me know if you want to be added to the list!

a/n: as always, i greatly appreciate every read, like, reblog, and comment so much! feedback is always happily welcome and i hope you guys liked this chapter.

this is a side blog so i cant respond to comments (although i love to read them!!) but if yall ever wanna talk just shoot me an ask or message me! I love talking to yall <3

coming up...this meeting of the losers club has officially begun.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[thefinalkey16]

KH3 Re:Mind spoilers/Reactions

So Xemnas gave the order?? To find the box?? But why??

So did Xigbar actually lose the box? YOU HAD ONE JOB

Oh we’re starting HERE HUH

I forgot how pretty the graphics are

Why is Riku so pretty???

Nomura really went “this DLC is about SOKAI and I’m gonna make sure you KNOW IT.”

Nomura really cares about his ship and I appreciate it so much

LETS GO SAVE OUR GIRL!

Heck yeah REMIND TIME

I love the music in this game so much

YES WE GET MORE MOM

Why does MOM adopt smol children lol

It bothers me that MOM has no actual face behind the hood. It’s like Ansem’s original form

So Xehanort is where Xemnas’s confusion of the heart comes from lol

OH THIS IS PREMASTER XEHANORT

I’m sorry, Xehanort is more powerful than darkness?

I’m sorry MOM is too scared to take off the coat???

MOM is a psychology teacher who gets exasperated by his dumb students

OH THATS JUST RUDE NOMURA

LEMME KNOW HIS NAME

A lost..Master?

Well we know where Xehanort got the hands behind the back walk from

OOO A NEW THEME

OH I LOVE IT

I’m 100% sure that MOM told him his name was “Noneya,” and it took a few decades before he realized what he actually said

DID THEY TELEPORT TO LOOK COOL ON THE ROCKS

I’m sorry they have holograms??

Did they actually call him Riku Replica lol

Wait they were actually nobodies

XEMNAS AND XEHANORT WERE REPLICAS?

“Why we have assembled here,” because Xemnas and Sora destroyed your sick castle

Poor Terra got possessed TWICE?

Demyx! You get Demyx!

I’m sorry 20??

No. I

Oh so they don’t actually remember Xion

Does.. does Xigbar remember Xion?

Wow they got Vexen just to get his daughter in their gang. How rude

Xehanort fell asleep while they chatted I’m cackling

Crazy old man

Now when do I get to save Kairi? :3c

YAY ITS TIME

YAY ITS CHIRITHY TIME

ITS MY SMOL KITTY

“Back so soon?”=you died again?? You’re lame

Chirithy is a mood

Sora you watched your GF get shattered

Oh so that’s why Sora dies

IS SORA SAILOR PLUTO

Oh my god he’s Sailor Pluto

Lose powers? He’s done that so many times 😂

Getting banned from one world? He had a phone and friends with gummi ships lol

ARE WE GONNA SEE EVERONES HEART STATION??

NOOO VEN That still hurts to watch

AWW SORA TRIED TO CATCH HIM

Wow he’s a ghosty ghost

Oh I love Ven’s heart station so much

Wow Vanitas really said that Ven is Baby

YAS GIMME VANITAS

Also wow Vanitas is protecting Ven’s heart and I love that

OH NO NOT THIS GUY

I beat him by using Meow Wow. meow wow is best boy

Oh no oh no it’s this pet

Gotta love Big Bro Lea

I forgot they call him Axel

ITS THE HUG

It’s Donald’s Safrifice ;-;

Donald Really channeled his inner Molly Weasley and said “Not my son you WITCH.”

WASTED

Also aw Sora got to see what Donald did for the first time

AQUA’S STATION IS SO PRETTY

Poor Aqua ;-; this is the moment where everyone hates her for

Also aww she trusts Kairi to protect them

We love Big Sis Aqua

YES WE GET ANTI AQUA FIGHT AGAIN

NAMINEEEEE

I’m literally screaming and I scared my grandma

Oh my god She lost Kairi and she immediately went to Sora cause she knew she’d be safe there ;-;

Namine’s Really here bringing everyone together

Agsisgsjdg I forgot Terra can do the keyblade whip thing lol

AND the cannon

Wow they’re really fighting in the sky

Anyone else getting Star Wars vibes

AWW HE JUST WANTS TO PROTECT HIS FAMILY

I still hate Terra’s pants

Imagine your heart crushing your body. Like really

NO LINGERING WILL

HECK YEAH SORA YOU KICK THEIR BUTT

Wow Sora you’re so cocky

LINGERING WILL NO

OH MY GOD

I forgot that Marluxia is an Ouran Host Club character

Wait, that Mickey finisher was new, wasn’t it?

Okay but I still have no idea what Xemnas did to Luxord

Cards: *Appear*

Sora: PTSD from watching his friends get destroyed from the cards in the manga

Mickey: *is captured*

Sora: PTSD intensifies

I’m really happy that we get to replay all of the Organization battles, they’re so much fun!

I’m so soft for Replinami ;-;

He loves her so much, and all he wants is for her to be safe and happy ;-;

Ven: we aren’t the same. You’re Edgy. I’m Baby

Aqua when Sora appears: TWO Baby’s :0

“If I’m a traitor, then Kairi’s the trump card.” LEA DRINKS RESPECT KAIRI JUICE

Aww Kairi’s so confused. She doesn’t see how she could be a trump card ;-;

HE STRAIGHT UP FLEXED

AWW XION REMEMBERS

Ohhh Isa’s jealous.

YES THW CHAKRAMS

LETS GO

Jealousy mode has been activated in Isa

WHAT WAS THAT RUN

OH MY GOD THAT SCREAM

YES KAIRI GO

PROTEXT YOUR BRO

“Yup” Kairi really just wants this over with so she can go home 😂

The way Kairi’s face lights up at seeing Sora gives me life.

Wow Xemnas was really hurt by Axel’s betrayal. Frankly? I’m shocked.

XION’S HAND IS SMOKING

HER HAND IS BURNING BECAUSE SHES GRABBING THE BLADE

Xemnas does NOT drink Respect Xion juice

ROXAS KEPT XION’S MEMORIES SAFE INSIDE HIM

AND SHE HAS HER FACE BECAUSE HE GAVE THEM BACK TO HER

Lea cares about the small girls he adopted as his little sisters

AWW THE THREE OF THEIR HEARTS ARE CONNECTED

NO XION ISNT ON HIS HEART ANYMORE

YES KAIRI’S HERE TO KICK BUTT

Wow Nomura really got tired of people dissing Kairi so he amped her up with cool stuff

“Oh? Tired of Kairi not doing anything?” Heres her literally overpowering Xemnas and him having to restrain her with a stop spell and magic to stop her

KAIRI IS THE SCARLET WITCH AND XEMNAS IS THANOS

Oh and in case you think she’s weak? Here’s the same thing for Sora too.

God I love Nomura

Oh my god she’s in so much pain because of the darkness

OH MY GOD SHES IN SO MUCH PAIN BECAUSE OF THE DARKENSS

SORA LITERALLY FAINTED AFTER 2 SECONDS BUT KAIRI’S HOLDING ON OH MY GOD THE STRENGTH

OOOOOOOO ROXAS TIME

The MUSIC

THEIR ATTACK IS CALLED “THINKING OF YOU” BECAUSE THEY REMEMBERED XION I CANT

I can not believe i was forced to relive watching Kairi die

SHE WAS CRYSTALLIZED?? SHES NOT DEAD??

I love Donald and Goofy so much ;-;

They aren’t gonna leave their son alone

Also wow Xehanort was just staring there forever

I FORGOT WE GET TO EXPLORE SCALA :D

KAIRI?!?!

Getting KH1 vibes with this

“The heartless that is radiating light” how is that possible??

Okay but this is such a good parallel to the first game, with him saving Kairi ;-;

Except for the fact that HEARTLESS SORA DIDNT GET BEAT UP

Okay so her heart is a thassala shell. Will we have to collect the pieces to make her wayfinder?

Oh my god I see the thing at the top of the screen. We totally are making her wayfinder ;-;

THAT MEANS SHE LITERALLY GAVE HIM HER HEART SO HE COULS RETURN IT TO HER OH MY GOOOOD

Okay so I love the puzzles they have here

XEHANORT?!

I’m sorry you hid her heart? What are you, five?

What do you MEAN almost out of time?!

OH NO KINGDOM HEARTS

Oh no not these guys again

So many keyholes

IM SORRY IS THIS WIZARD OF OZ

Oh my god Lea is so overwhelmed lol

SGAKSSGE ROXAS CAUGHT XION

Okay so for the team ups, I love how all of them were mix and matched from the trio’s

I loved Terra and Riku, the Master and apprentice

I loved Ven, Roxas, and I can’t remember who else was in it. “Thanks Roxas.” “Youre welcome. You’re not too bad yourself.” THAT WAS ADORABLE

Xion, Aqua and Mickey being mages and protecting everyone

Aqua and Lea, him trying to talk and Aqua telling him to shut up and focus

MICKEY’S STRUGGLE TO SAVE HIS FRIENDS BROKE MY HEART

We now present: Kingdom Hearts 3: connect he dots

Connect. Connect the dots. Get it?

KAIRI’S HEART MADE A FLOWER

THE KH2 THING

“SORA :D”

THEIR HUG

HE JUST HOLDS HER CLOSE

TIME FOR PLAYABLE KAIRI BABBYYYYYYY

“I can do this.” YES YOU CAN

I’m sorry you think I want to play as Sora? After waiting my whole life to play Kairi? HA

KAIRI IS THE MOST POWERFUL

Seven wishes saved me in that fight

ONE HEART

THEY HAVE ANGEL WINGS

OKAY YALL HAD YOUR SORIKU ATTACK NOW WE GOT SOKAI :D

Now we just need Rikai and Sorikai and it’ll be complete ^^

AGSKSGSKDGSJS CHIRITHY

“I was trying to give you some privacy” awwww

CHIRITHY IS CRYING

THEYRE GOING ON DATES

Chirithy has my soul and I love it

Every scene with Chirithy adds 7 years to my life

Afsjsgsajg Sora DONT PUSH THE CAT

NAMINE

THEY WERE THERE TO FREE HER HEART

Aaand he’s gone and I’m crying again

LIMITCUT EPISODE TIME BABBYYYY

GAJSGSJDG RIKU AND TERRA ARE TOGETHER

Oh my god Riku and Terra being bro’s are my favorite thing

Wait what are they gonna do

ARE THEY SEALING THE WORLD

OH MY GOD THE ARMOR

HOW DARE THEY NOT SHOW US THE FRONT PARTS

OH they’re going to search for Sora!

IS RIKU IN CHARGE OF THE LAND OF DEPARTURE

ONE YEAR???

Agajsgsjdg MERLINS HOUSE

CLOUD

PRETTY BOY

YUFFFIIEEE

AERIITH

CID

OH MY GOD THE GANGS ALL TOGETHER

THEY WENT TO THE REALM OF DARKNESS WHAT

“The Twilight Town gang” ITS OFFICIAL

OH NO WHAT HAPPENED TO KAIRI

WHY DOES HE LOOK SAD

NO WHATS GOING ON WITH KAIRI

They’re searching her heart?

SHES BEEN ASLEEP FOR A YEAR?!

Riku’s been all ALONE

DATA SORA??

Battalion oh my god lol

I’m mad about Kairi being asleep for a year though

AGSJSGS WE GET TO EXPLORE

Wow. A video game inside of a video game

I spent the rest of the day failing the Data battles and making funny Data Greeting pictures. Hopefully I’ll be better st the battles tomorrow!

[hypmicscenarios]

Anime Attraction

3.K words

A/N: High School au. Fic with ichiro, you two slowly falling in love over the span of a 4 day convention and bonding over the fact that you’re closeted weebs. (So he would like tdd era ichiro) And again! I use neutral pronouns! hope you enjoy~

Day 1: You were very excited, happy, elated, every happy word in the book! This year, you were finally going to your first anime convention. Unfortunately, you were a bit of a closeted weeb. People knew you watched anime….just not your extreme obssession with it. Maybe extreme was too harsh for you case, but you were sure that would be the situation if they ever saw your room, filled with anime posters, merch, etc.However, those were all bought online or in stores….youve never actually been to a convention.

Online, you heard many good things about it, and that people there, for the most part, were friendly. You smiled as you got off the train, an empty backpack on your bag, besides essentials, inside an empty tote bag for you posters. You had planned for this for months. Saving up all the money you could from your allowances. Your wallet, besides money for the train and food to eat, was going to be completely emptied by the end of the day. Finally, you took your jacket off, revealing a ( favorite anime) anime shirt on your person. One of your favorites. You could never choose. You could talk about it for days. However….it was Under rated. It was also a bit old...and you were late to watch it, so the fandom dwindled down.

You were amazed as you saw many cosplays, a bit too nervous to ask for pictures, or even compliment them, but you hoped they received your compliments in spirit….something like that. It was….also really big and crowded. You got too into your head, overthinking a bunch of things, that you didn’t see the larger man in front of you, hitting his back.

“O-oh im sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” you said, bowing quickly. You looked up at the man, gulping, quickly taken aback by how pretty he was, different colored eyes, red and green. It almost seemed like he was in cosplay, but he was just wearing a naruto shirt with black jeans on, a naruto headband around his forehead.

Ichiro blinked and smiled,”no need to apologize, I was kind of standing here in the middle of everyone anyway,”his eyes went down to your shirt and his eyes sparkled,”wait….thats a (favorite anime) isnt it! Whose your favorite character?”, he asked. You were taken aback about how eager and happy he seemed, but it definitely managed to make you relax a bit.

“My favorite character is [     ],”you said, stating your reasoning,”oh- sorry….I didn’t mean to talk that long,” Ichiro chuckled,”thats fine, I love them too! For mostly the same reasons, theyre kind of cool. This is my first convention so Im excited its going off to great start, thanks.”

Oh? It was his first time as well? “Its my first time too, I came here alone, I didn’t expect to be this big, theres so many people.” Ichiro nodded,”Im here by myself too, are you here all four days?” You nodded. “If you dont mind it, we can walk around together, ah! Sorry if thats a bit too forward….”,he trailed off. To be honest, Ichiro was a closeted weeb. So he had no one to talk to, let alone drag to a con. “Oh no, Um, its fine. I would like that...even though I know everyone here loves anime….”,you trailed off, the guy, whose name you still didn’t know, finished your thought,”because theres so many people conversing and being you feel like everyone already has their own cliques and you realize youre alone.”

Well. That. Yes that. You smiled,”Yeah, its that, and my nerves and anxiety.”

Ichiro stuck his hand out,”Yamada Ichiro, 2nd year high school student in Ikebukuro. Nice to meet you.”

“ l/n, f/n, also 2nd year in a high school located in yokohama, nice to meet you”m you said and shook his hand. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Day 2:

The first day, the two of you had walked around, played games, went to panels together, learning much more about each other. You agreed to meetup at the same place in the morning. Of course, you were even more excited than you were yesterday. You were dressed in more casual clothing, but backpack was now decorated with buttons you found. Soon, you heard your name being called out and waved your hand,”Good Morning Yamada-san”, you said, greeting him.

Ichiro smiled and spoke,”Morning! Did you sleep well?”, he asked.  You shook your head in disagreement,”I barely got any sleep, I was excited for today.” Ichiro laughed,”so did I, so what should we do today?”,he said, taking out the convention program guide. “Hmmmm, theres a bunch of panels,”you said, going to the side of him and looking at the program,”how to successfully master naruto hand signs….”,you trailed off. They really….had a panel for everything.

Ichiro’s face lit up,” that sounds cool, want to go? Although I already know a couple…”,he said, and you laughed,”what? You going to become the next hokage Yamada-san?”, you teased a bit, but he went along with it, of course he did. You found out about this from yesterday. That he was like this. “I am gonna be next hokage, just believe it!”, he said.

“Thats naruto’s punchline you cant just steal it,” you said, watching Ichiro as he thought, then spoke again, very excitedly,”Im going to be next hokage, because I said so!”, he said, putting out a thumb. For some reason, it had you laughing a lot,”b-bbecause you said so? Ahahaha, well, you sure have a passion like naruto, I think thats all you need, its cute”, you said, realizing that you had just called the other cute.

Ichiro blushed and put his hand behind his back,”Sorry...I just cant be like this a lot in real life without getting teased for it, so its a bit refreshing,”he said and you nodded,, understanding completely.

“Well, lets go learn some jutstus even though they wont help against a gun but who cares, because its an anime convention, and we’re doing what we love,”you said confidently, more confident than you would expect from yourself.  Ichiro nodded,”Dattebayo, lets go!”, he saidm turning around and walking. You were really having too much fun. Being attracted to him went way over your head for now, simply enjoying the time the two of you spent together.

Later on in the day, the two of you found an anime photo booth, Ichiro dragging you by the arm towards it,”for memories!”, he said. The two of you got in and hit the naruto theme poses. Of course, you indulged him, he was cute when he got his way. And, you didn’t have to worry about poses. Instead, they gave you poses to do.

The first was a naruto sign for any jutsu, the second peace signs, the third you had to stick your tongues at each other, seeming annoyed, and the last one….got you. It was only a hug, but they way Ichiro hugged you quickly and tightly, pushing both of your faces together, eft you shocked, and you were sure the picture didn’t turn out well. Once you got out and looked at it, Ichiro pointed to last one,”its like you were trying so hard not to blink, but we’re cute, arent we?”,he said and you laughed:yea we really are”, you replied, more focused on the current pace of your heart...beating very rapidly. You paid for two copies so you could keep it. The rest of the day, you two kept up your shenanigans. It was tough leaving, but you were going to come back tomorrow and, hopefully, your heart would learn to behave.

Day 3:

The two of you sat down to eat lunch on the third day, already having gone through a couple activities.

“Theres Jiro, then theres Saburo, and Saburo is the oldest. We’re all pretty close but Saburo and Jiro always fight a lot, typical sibling stuff…..and a lot of the times it includes me. I keep telling them I dont have favorites but they never listen,”Ichiro sighed with a smile on his face. It wasn’t an exhausted sigh though, he was used to it, it was just how they worked.

You smiled as he rambled on about his brothers. It was very clear that he cherished the both of them dearly and would do anything for them. “That must be nice….Im an only child so I could never relate to these type of things. Thats why I got into anime really, theres was no one that I could play with at the snap of a finger if I wanted to-oh Im not sad about it or anything, I love anime, it was really there for me in trying times, plus the internet.”

Ichiro nodded and then spoke,”Well, you have me now too, and you can be as passionate as you want, no holding back. You have my number now and its already fun texting you when we’re not at the convention.”  He was right. After you guys left, you were quickly texting each other at home before you went to sleep. You sent each other memes,pictures, and talked about a bunch of different topics, that often you had smiling or laughing at your phone.

At that point….you knew had a crush. It was only two days but he was just so…..it was the little things really, not just the fact that you had anime in common. When you were walking through the convention center, going through a massive crowd, he told you to hold onto his jacket, so you wouldn’t get lost. Or how he quickly offered to help hold your stuff when you were buying merchandise. Or even him talking about how much he loves his brothers. Rather than weird, it was insanely cute to you.

It wasnt love per say…..well. Lets be real. You were a sucker when it came to love. Honestly, you dont even feel like counting how many crushes you had but none of those ever came to fruition.  You should just focus on your anime boys but the moment some other boy is even the slightest bit kind to you, like helping you carry books, your heart falls. Despite that though, you felt like this was different. More than just a couple simple acts of kindness.

“Im really enjoying our time here, we’re going to the cosplay masquerade today right? We still have some time to kill, want to go to the game hall?”, you asked,”then we can see which one of us is better at dance dance revolution.” Ichiro smiled and nodded his head,”Yeah! Youre on!”

After that, the two of you managed to spend all of your time in the hall. Ichiro was by a claw machine and you commented,”I suck at these things,”then looked inside, seeing what plushies they had. “I think im pretty decent,”Ichiro said, walking up,”sometimes I won stuff for saburo when I was little...he grew out of it though,”Ichiro said with a laugh.He wanted to try it.

“Good Luck Yamada-kun!”, you said, cheering him on. You were amazed by how focused he looked. “Do you want anything specific?”,he asked you. “Wait, me?”, you said, trying to clarify. Ichiro laughed,”I think you’re the only l/n here,”he said. That...kind of caught you off guard. But you walked up and placed your hands against the glass. “Ummmm, that cat in the middle is kind of cute.”

Ichiro nodded. The first time, he managed to pick the plushie up for about three seconds before it fell, but that was better than what you could do! The second time, he managed to grab it again, your eyes wide in anticipation as you followed the claw and plushie to the drop off slot. “Oh my god, you did it!”,you said, going to high five both of Ichiro’s hands but, instead of letting go, he held them and put them down,”Yeah I did! Guess I didn’t lose my skill after all.” “Yeah...youre amazing”, you said, trying to not comment on the fact that he was still holding both of your hands. God….your heart was a mess. There was no denying you fell for him. At most, it was very high like at this point.

Day 4:

Ichiro was excited to see you again. Well, half-excited and half-sad. He really liked hanging out with you. More often than not, he found himself thinking about how you look best when theres a smile on your face. So, he always did dumb things to make you smile, no matter how stupid it may have looked. Maybe it was because you didn’t think his obsession was weird. When you guys talked, your interests lined up more than he thought they would. It was perfect.

Of course, he eventually figured out that he’d want to see you, in a more romantic context, that it is. He knew his feelings towards you were different. Honestly, he even weirdly got a little bit jealous when you mentioned how hot a specific anime character was. Ichiro didn’t necessarily plan on confessing that day….but who knows how things would turn out. Yes, it had only been three days, but he felt like he knew you already. Really, you guys always messaged each other.

The conversations would go dull for an hour or so but one link to a meme and that sparked a conversation that continued for a while. It was great. He had never felt so validated.

“L/n-san! Hey, morning!”,he said as he walked up to you. You looked like you were thinking hard about something, but Ichiro didn’t comment on it.

In fact, you were. Thinking about how you wouldn’t be able to see him so frequently. It made you….sadder than you expected. Granted you could travel to see him, but it was also due to the fact that it was the last day of the convention. Here, you could be yourselves without glancing over you shoulder every couple seconds in fear that someone you knew would spot you.  It was so much fun, especially because of him!

Its for the best though….your funds were just about dried out. You couldn’t help but smile as you saw him though,”hey, good morning to you too, ready for the last day?” Ichiro laughed,”Yes and No because this has been very exciting.” You nodded in agreement,”it has, it does suck that we cant experience this everyday.”

“well!”,Ichiro clapped his hands,”lets not worry about that and focus on having fun, okay?” Your smile got wider,”yes, okay!” Ichiro spoke,”Datteba-”, then he pointed towards you,”Yo!”, you said, the two of you giggling. This had become your thing now, apparently, but you two werent used to it, hence you laughing off you embarrassment.

You went to the artist alley and exhibit hall one last time, taking a lot more pictures together than usual, even with cosplayers! Ichiro helped you out a lo with expressing that you wanted pictures with them and that was yet another thing that you loved about him. Without even asking him to do so, he just did it on a whim, and that made you incredibly happy.

A bit later, it was closing ceremonies. It wasnt much really, but anything to just spend even a little more time with Ichiro. However, that ended sooner than you expected. And you didn’t know what to do with yourself.

The two of you sat outside on a bench.

“So, I suppose this is it…”,you said. You had to get back early today anyway. Yet, you really didn’t want to. You looked up as Ichiro spoke,”no, its not it. We still have each other’s numbers, we can make it work, I-well….these past few days have been really fun for me,”Ichiro blushed, placing his hand behind his neck. Was he going to confess? If he didn’t do it now he knew he’d procrastinate on doing so forever. He didn’t necessarily have to make sure you were his in this exact moment, but his heart wanted an answer as soon as possible, before he got in too deep.

“The thing is….I want us to be more than just friends. I just….the more we talked, the more I found myself drawn to you. Like I can tell you anything. Its really easy to be myself around you, l/n, I want...to get closer. So, would you go out with me? Or not now, I mean you can think about it but...yeah.”,he said, face blushing. He had only confessed once in his lifetime and that was during elementary….he was quickly shut down.

You….couldn’t believe your ears. Did you really manage to find someone who was interested you at an anime convention. Well, you were sure there were more interesting stories but this was still way out of your league. You even thought he was way out of your league.

“I….we can date. I feel the same, about you, I like talking to you. And I think whats making me so sad is that I cant see you...not the convention part,”you said, looking towards Ichiro and seeing his grow excited. He grabbed your hands quickly and held them,”really?! Thats great.”,he said, letting go than hugging you. Oh. This was happening. It took you a couple seconds to process the hug before you reciprocated it.

Ichiro pulled away, looking down at you, a smile on his face,”when I talk with you, I feel like the happiest and luckiest man in the world. I know love is too strong of a word right now, but I want to do my best to make you happy.”

You were so flustered that you made no response, even more so when you felt his hand on your cheek and saw him leaning in. It all happened quickly. You closed your eyes and suddenly his lips were on yours. No movement, but it lingered for a moment, before he pulled away.

That was your first...kiss. You didn’t mind that it got taken by him but still….it was so much to process. Ichiro brought you back to reality,”Ikebukuro isn’t too far from Yokohama on the train, maybe we could meet in the middle on weekends, or switch up, ah, well I guess we can talk about this letter, getting ahead of myself,”he said and chuckled, which only prompted you to let out a soft laugh. He was like an eager puppy that you wanted to pet. Weird how he so easily calmed your nerves by the sounds of your laughs.

“Datteba-”

“Yo!”

[low-budget-korra]

The Legend Of Korra_Book One : “That’s Dark”

So reviewing TLOK made me not only caught up in the nostalgia of this wonderful and special animated show but also reflected on the journey not only from Korra but also from all Team Avatar.

 (Remembering that all this is just my opinion and some of the various interpretations that I have about the show)

 Book 1 is in my opinion the second best of TLOK and the darkest of all.

And reviewing I think I've noticed why.

Book One is the most "real" of all. All the problems there can be seen in the most different societies.

We have an ideological political clash in an environment where segregation between benders and non-benders is still a reality.

I think the whole atmosphere of Republic City is more dark , so at the very beginning we are introduced to those problems that I honestly think we can all understand. Fear of violence, lack of confidence in figures who hold power, a "savior" who appeals to the fear of this population and take's power, conspiracies for power, politics shit , social inequality , etc

Problems that are real at a international  level. I here in Brazil can feel and understand this in the same way as a person who whatch’s the show in Canada. I think 

Not to mention the urban colors and shades of grey and brown more saturated and not so bright (especially at night) , showing that the city is kind of a trap, something “Too good to be true." Its beautiful and scary at the same time.

So we have Korra, who in book one has 17 years (the same age as I when i started to watch the series) and as it is visible in her’s first moments, is that she has the “spirit of a kid”.

I think the expression "kid's mind in a Woman's Body" can define the Korra in Book One. She is naive, immature, spoiled, a bit arrogant, very self-confident, playfull...

I think it was one of the things that enchanted me in her and undoubtedly was what made me connect with her, because I was also, especially,  naive as she.

Korra comes with the glare for just being at Republic City, that childish naivete of thinking that everything will work fine, without consequences.

And it is precisely when she, for the first time, is confronted with the possible consequences of the  fight that she has just entered, she breaks. But before we talk more about Korra, let's talk about her nemesis here, Amon.

 Amon is a white and heterosexual man representing the patriarchy .... lmao im joking, or not...

Anyway, Amon ... The way he uses to subjugate and dominate his enemies, the violation he makes to achieve this ... I find it almost impossible not to parallel this with cases of sexual violence. Amom takes some of these people for himself, he forces something into them, they get devastated and depressed after losing the benders to him and also they look kinda of feeling humiliated by that.

So we have the terrible and beautiful  episode :"The Voice in the Night". Here we see  this 17 year old girl, absolutely terrified by the idea of ​​confronting this man who must be in his late 30′s.

I think that when Korra saw what Amon was capable of , it was the first time in her life when she felt truly afraid. And for us girls, being afraid of a man, especially when walking alone in the night , sadly still is a reality.

Anyway, going back to the show ...

After being coerced to fight on the front line against the Equalists for Tarrlok ( I will speak of him soon), Korra gains confidence and in her naiveness, invites Amon to a duel.

Amon not only arrives late as he is disloyal and does not come alone. An adult man ambushes a 17-year-old girl in a dark place with the help of his crew ... Man, this is dark ! And all the lighting and animation of the final scenes of the episode are excellent because it resembles more a horror story than a kid’s show.

The way they hold her on her knees, making her so small in comparation to him, who looks even more frightening. But not only this, because “be on knees” historically and culturally associated with submission and she was forced to be in that position. The way Amon holds her face makes it clear that the avatar was totally impotent since her rival had already crossed the “touch barrier” by touching her face.  The Touch for many people is something intimate and touch someone face is not only something more intimate but also associated with caring and love. And this motherfucker just crossed this line 

Amon accepted the challenge with the goal of destroying the Avatar independent of who she was. And thats terrible and scary, but also, so real for so many people.

After he leaves, Tenzin arrives and  ask if everything is okay and all. Korra then says that she still has her bendings and finally opens with him over her fears as she cries in his arms.

Then after, we have an episode more focused on love triangle and comedy. Cause its a kids show right?

 How will Korra deal with Amon now that she has already lost the first battle?

Honestly I dont think she overcame her fears there, I think she just buried them for the greater good that was defeating him. Something like “im scared as fuck but im gonna do it anyway”. And you need to be brave to do that

And after losing her bendings to the enemy in the final episode, when her worst nightmare comes true , she has nothing left to lose. And in desperation to save her friend and crush from going through what she had just been through, Korra discovers she can airbend. And this new wave of confidence makes her defeat Amon at his own game, exposing him as the fraud he is. But is that enough? I see later that she still suffering for losing all the other bendings, she’s still broken until Avatar Aang pass by to say “hey” and give her all the bendings back

(This scene had me on tears)

Tarrlok is a character that I just did not like. And guys since he saw Korra, he directed all the attention to her.

Of course he wanted to use her to climb the ladder and take Republic City's political power for himself. But seriously ... I know that maybe you find yourself thinking "Damn, you will put sexual subtext and sexual interpretation where they do not have". But listen to me.

Tarrlok is an older man who does not accept Korra’s "no" for his partnership proposals.

Then we have the episode where her confrots him by the arrest of her friends. Of course Tarrlok used the bloodbend on her cause she was ready to burn his ass down.

And it is logical that he would disappear with her so she does not unmask him to everybody. Now, though it seemed like something got at the moment, Tarrlok had it all ready. The place where Korra would be taken  and where he kept her arrested .

Of course, the most obvious answer is that the place might have been prepared to receive Amon, though he did not know that he was a bender so he did not need that metal box because a normal cell would work, but with all that happened , Tarrlok had this change of plans. I think he may think that she could bring problems to his plans and the let this as plan B

But then an now unmasked and hunted by Republic City police force and just before Amon invades the place, he tells Korra that he will run away and that he will take her as his hostage.

But why? If he had hated her for ending his plans, he could just leave her there to die of hunger / thirst. Not to mention that, Korra would definitely fight and delay him in his escape, so why take her ?

Another thing, Amon wouldnt hurt Korra, he doesnt even saw her as a person, he only saw the symbol, the Avatar and that must be destroyed but all costs. Tarrlok in other hand wants to use the symbol but also know the person behind, he knows the 17old Korra and would hurt her if he has to.

The politics, the intimidation, the haressament, the fear, the power dinamics between those 3 characters...

 **

Mako and Bolin do not have much development in book One . Mako is the love interest and Bolin is the comic relief.

 **

Asami has a very remarkable moment. She has to choose between her father and what is right.

And the Fire Ferrets certainly helped her in that choice. Especially Mako, Asami's mother was killed by benders, probably fire benders cause they kinda murder people parents sometimes, and Mako is a firebender. So relating to him might have knocked over all the rest of prejudice and anger she may have for benders until that.

This arc between Asami and her father is also about the loss of innocence. In that case, lose the innocence of thinking that our parents cant be bad people.

And even more, from then on, Asami is shaped much more like someone who makes right choices in difficult times, even if those choices are heart-breaking.

 **

Tenzin leaves his comfort zone. He will train Korra, who is someone who almost totally contradicts who he is. And right away, we see that he is an excellent teacher. All your patience, your diplomacy is inspiring and will certainly help to make Korra the most conscientious and mature woman at the end of book four.

He also has tough choices, and shows himself steadfast in them, doing everything to protect his family and friends.

 **

Lin, there's a moment I think is incredible. When she sacrifices herself to save Tenzin's family. Lin does not flee the fight. Just like her mother, she is determined in her goals. And we have more depth development  in Book 3.

**

In another post i will talk about the book Two cause this is already too big.

So i believe one of the main sub themes or simple stuff that i can see on book One is the Loss Of Innocence 

[frida--y]

first kr series i watched n i didnt do a good long text post about it!

man shinji is still my favorite protag, he’s such a strong character and such a dumbass at the same time. i LOVE how when yui was threatening to kill herself to stop the fighting and ren was saying that he would use the fighting to force a new life for her, shinji was on her side, saying we should consider her feelings and to what she wants, a true feminist icon. he considers the feelings of others so strongly that when he wanted to close the mirror world, he started to see what the others were fighting for and thought to himself that he didnt have the right to dismiss their reasons to fight (ren wanted to bring his gf back from a coma and kitaoka not wanting to die). he is very empathetic, it shows in his introduction when he is disputing a traffic incident he wasnt even involved in lmaoo and is present throughout the whole show. it’s sadly his “downfall” as he tries to take on all the problems everyone has- he wears himself thin and doubts himself multiple times, but honestly i think that trait of his is very strong.

him becoming a rider by chance is really on point of him lol i really love that he shaped this into his purpose as a rider “to protect people, including riders.” he truly wanted the fighting to stop and at the end and even finally brought up the resolve to close the mirror world, knowing it will displease others, but.. ya know whats happens at the end... :’)

ren....number one asshole 2nd rider.. what else can i say.

he frustrated me, because he was so mean n closed off to shinji for such a long time lol (everything that i love in a character) it’s hard to fault him when he’s as self sacrificing as shinji (to a degree.. lmao). he only fights for eri and tries to overcome the hurdle of killing and he ultimately cant when it comes down to it, it’s great to see the limits of his conviction, of course he doesnt have it in him to kill, he’s one of our heroes after all. 

;_;

he really showed how much he valued shinji’s friendship at the end, to go from not bothering to understand shinji’s moral dilemma, to fully understanding where he is coming from, it’s the resolution of their friendship.  i cannot speak what happened in the last two episodes lol i cry!

uuuuu these two....THEY!!

god did kitaoka grow on me lol, he was such a bastard; made shinji believed he killed someone, thinks he’s hot/smart, and thinks his better than others and above them in terms of class. then once you learn that hes dying and is going to die very soon, it really changes your perspective on him, especially since no one knows it (shinji does, like the day before the huge fight iirc). 

it’s such an easy thing to dismiss him, when he’s actually interesting if you look hard enough. even if he’s been haughty seemingly all his life, goro has really changed his life. when he’s at last days all he talks about is how goro is going to fine without him.. ;_;

kitaoka isnt a hero, because to him becoming a hero is when you lose; he doesnt go and save goro because of the possibility of dying, he’s too afraid of dying and he’s supposed to be all about himself, so his wish is for immortality (though im assuming that’s a front considering how bad his illness is wrecking his body, he just wants to live). he even says to asakura that he wishes that he could be like him, free to act as he pleases without concern for his actions. i wonder what was his dream in the past that he gave it up a long time ago (prob living forever with goro) and what is his hidden hobby haha also the irony of the sick and dying man having the strongest attack and the biggest weapons *chef’s kiss* 

oh, aaannnndddd ive already said this but, favorite suit from ryuki

i do like the other riders too; gai is the ultimate bastard (a gamer lol), his death was purely to show that we are heading towards the end. tiger hit me hard emotionally (displayed ryuki’s themes), his twisted idea of what is a hero is what we think of in all honestly. we often go “they have suffered so much!! they’re my hero!! ;A;” and tiger twists that into “i have to kill my father-figure and my only friend so i can suffer and become a hero!” it makes his death have so much impact as he acts on an impulse to save a random father and son since they reminded him of the professor. 

imperer and raia are great too, raia... he... i love him.. in another lifetime i think he and shinji are happy :’’’) as well as tezuka’s bf. sano............. pain.... ryuki is pain....

yeah... ryuki is fucked up with its message daring to state that a “hero” isnt someone who suffers the most, a hero is someone who believes in themselves and decides what’s right from wrong. <-- a thing i kinda miss in recent riders, but the obvious choice of right and wrong is an easier thing to write. 

of course special mention to asakura, too horny to live

what a change in the mood of the story, riders were now being killed, and the mirror world monsters are now getting stronger. he fights because he loves it, kills because he can, theres nothing to it, it’s just the excitement of the fight and that’s why i love him. a simple character with simple motivations and yet he’s my all time favorite villain lmao

i end my talk about my favorite kamen rider series with the most beautiful shots of the series

yui deserved better, the fact that the series ends with her accepting her death as a child and choosing to stay in the mirror world for the sake of the other riders and her brother... whoah..

[blandmemoirs]

Reflection in the Dark

Sometimes you watch a show and it changes your perspective in subtle, nuanced ways. Sometimes you consume information in a way that informs you of something you always understood about yourself, but in a way that makes it more clear. Lately, I've felt, lost? I'm not sure that's the right way to describe it. Perhaps I am trapped? In the dark? Lets go with that. I've felt as if I am in a dark place, slowly marching through the thick of it. I cant see in front of me, and I don't know if I'm making progress or if I'm just going back to where I came from. The more things change, the more they stay the same. And my life has received some small changes with larger overarching meanings that have left me confused and... At a loss. I walk down this lonely road and wonder if the path really means anything, or if I'm slowly pacing towards a bitter end. My senses tell me tragedy is on the horizon, but I am blind as to where it is to come from. Normally I see the bullets coming my way. What does intuition command my path is to be? Its silent. I hear static. I'm in the dark. What do I choose? Am I at a crossroads or have I already taken the turn? Am I going backwards? What is progress? Does it even fucking matter? Or am I concerning myself with things that dont even matter? Do I just drop it all and let go? Let it freeze over. At least the cold takes me where the wind blows.

I do as I have always done and turn to the world of fiction for answers. Be it fate or my own unwitting subconscious, I read of tragedy and loss. I see heartache and hurt. I see broken men lose it all. But as is a constant in the world of comics and capes, they persevere. They are grieving, but they still do what they are called on to do. They still protect and serve and save. Because that is their purpose. It is what they are meant to be. The memory of love lost, and a willingness to carry on. An acceptance of the loneliness and an ever-changing world. They choose to be a constant. To never let the weight of their personal conflicts hold them back from their purpose.

This brings me very specifically to The Punisher Season 2, which I just finished watching. Frank Castle is a man wandering in the dark. No sense of purpose, just drifting. He lost everything, all the love he had in the world ripped from him violently by evil men, some close to him. But he made them pay for it. He punished every piece of shit that had anything to do with his loss. But then what? What is he? Where does he go? He finally lowers his guard to start anew, only for his whole world to go back to shit and the person he fell for to be wounded in the fray. Frank is a man of conviction. He cant see suffering and let is persist. He must step in and put a stop to it. Even if it costs him a "normal life". And so he embarks on a journey of his own making in which he faces a new enemy and an old enemy he couldnt put down last time. In it he must face himself and the decisions he makes. He avenged his family. He put down eveyone involved. Yet here he is, on a violent path again. This time for no motivation other than to protect someone he has no obligation to. In the ensuing 13 hours the show took to finish, I found myself remembering just why I like this character so much.

Frank Castle is a tragic character. His wife and two kids gunned down in front of him. His only meaning in life taken from him. He takes up arms and exacts brutal, bloody punishment on those involved, and eventually, every evil doer who crosses his path. Frank lives in a world of black and white. Of good and evil. Evil must be killed, and good protected. Frank is neither good or bad. He is the line seperating them. He is the executioner carving that bloody divide. Frank doesnt see himself as good, he just sees himself as what he is, The Punisher. He kills the bad people. Thats how simple his world is. You do harm to other people, you hurt the innocent, you must be punished. Frank differs from the traditional hero because he kills. And he feels no remorse for it. He is THE Anti-Hero. He does bad things for the benefit of the good. There are times when I would like to be that. When I consider becoming that way. There are times I have done bad things to help good people. Obviously, I've not done anything as drastic as Frank, but the themes are similar. I am a man of themes and rules.

I see Frank Castle as being the model by which a part of myself wishes to emulate. A man with nothing to lose and a code to enforce. No feelings or friends, just channeling all of my anger and hate into hurting the ones who deserve it most. Its not a sustainable model, and it would only result in my loss. Frank is a sad character in great pain. There isnt a day he doesnt miss his family. But he knows the things he has done would make his family ashamed of him, so he fights his endless war instead. Frank is twice offered a new life this season, both times rejecting the women who love him for the pursuit of his purpose, punishment. Frank ends the show by "becoming what he is meant to be", The Punisher. After a season of him considering what his role in the world is, and whether he can ever allow himself to enjoy a happy ending, Frank pleads his closest friends to be permitted to be what he is meant to be. Frank has given up on his hope for a happy life, and instead is resigned to enacting pain on all who do evil.

I do not want to be like Frank Castle. He is not a role model like Captain America, or a guiding example like the Hulk. The Punisher is a character that has given up striving to be good. He just does what he wants to do because its what he does best. He has rules and a code. He has a sense of morality and purpose, but he has no humanity left in him. He has no love. He only has his wounded soul and a hate fueled by the anger he feels in his loss. Frank is a sad example of what a person can become when they resign themselves to purpose.

I enjoy The Punisher because I can feel what he feels and indulge myself in his reality without becoming him. Its catharsis. The fantasy of beating down abusers and making them swallow their own teeth and beg for mercy as they choke on their own blood. Season Two experimented with a more merciful Frank Castle. But Frank is not meant to be merciful. He is an executioner. Mercy is for the other heroes. The hope of redemption for evil or faith in a system is what separates Frank from those like Daredevil or the Batman. Each instance of mercy was unique in that's its causes and consequences were different. Sometimes more innocents are hurt, other times the man he spared was someone doing evil against their own will, fighting for a cause out of their control. Frank spares many soldiers who are only following orders so long as they can admit their orders were wrong. "Do what you gotta do" he says.

The Punisher will always capture my imagination because I feel the connection to him. That one bad day could spiral me into a position like his. My values remain, but my soul is gone. My purpose is clear, but my heart is cold. I am simply a shell of myself, acting more as a machine or a force of nature than a man. Frank is even referred to as a "whirlwind" at one point. He is defended as not being a criminal, but also not being a hero. Hes just Frank. Sometimes I see myself in a similar vein, not a good man, not a bad man, just Robbie Bland. A constant.

Frank Castle is a forbidden future I hope I never find myself venturing into. I don't want to become like that. So sad, so tragic, so hurt. But committed, committed to a purpose. Committed to a cause, a war. There is no peace for Frank Castle, and perhaps there may never be a peace for Robbie Bland.

As I wander through this dark in my life, I wonder what I may become, if I am to change at all. I wonder what road I may choose, and if it will be the right one for me. For now, I persist in this limbo state. A good enough job in a good enough apartment surrounded by what I hope is endless support from my loved ones. The times are a-changing. But the more things change, the more they remain the same. The more I begin to think I am not alone, the more alone I feel. For now, I can only persevere and wait for the sun to shine.

Waiting, I'm growing good at it. I'm a patient man, no doubt. I can wait a long time. I just need to know what I'm waiting for, and if what I'm waiting for is the right thing in the first place. I am not growing impatient. I am wondering why the hell I am waiting for something I dont fully understand. But, maybe that means I'm bad at waiting.

I'm in the dark. Wandering. Waiting. Contemplating. I think more to the past with each passing day, making peace with some things and plans for others.

Punisher Season 2 has made me realize that I do not want to let go of the chaos my heart hold. That I do not want to let my heart freeze over so that I can commit to purpose and survival. I'd rather feel and pursue what makes me happy than resign myself to loss. Whatever tragedy approaches me, I will face it, and I will make myself better from it.

Getting to live in Frank Castle's head the last day or so has me knowing it is not a place I wish to remain permanently. Merely to indulge at times when I need to be reminded why I chase the things I do.

Good things come to those who wait. I merely need to be patient, the night is darkest before the dawn.

[avatarrewatch]

Hello and I hope you have enjoyed your stay in Ba Sing Se so far. I am your host Joo Dee. Remember, everyone is safe. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. Today we watched the following episodes in “Book 2: Earth.” We will also be watching the same episodes tomorrow (Sunday, March 18, 2018) at the same time.

2.13 

The Drill 

With the Gaang in Ba Sing Se, Azula, Mai and Ty Lee (whom I will dub “the Trio” moving forward) arrive in Ba Sing Se with the Fire Nation military and The Drill the episode is named for. This drill was created to penetrate Ba Sing Se’s impenetrable wall. Ba Sing Se’s General Sung seems to be so comforted by the presence of the wall, that it takes him no time at all to tell Aang that the Avatar is not needed, but the Gaang is not dissuaded. Aang, Katara and Sokka successfully sneak into the the drill to damage it from the inside. While Toph, refusing to be without her bending, commits to slowing down the drill from the outside. The Gaang encounters the Trio and a fight ensues with Aang showing off the earthbending he’s most recently learned. It was pretty impressive! Oh, and Momo got to save the day! I knew I always liked Momo for a reason. It’s not just because he’s cute. The Gaang escapes the Trio and the drill is successfully stopped.

Lee and Mushi (or otherwise known as Zuko and Iroh, respectively) arrive in Ba Sing Se as well. You’d think they were following the Avatar or something! But no, actually, Iroh’s White Lotus contacts decided since the pair are practically refugees, that Ba Sing Se would be ideal for them. Iroh flirts with a ticket seller to get into Ba Sing Se, while Jet (and his wheatgrass!) jeatgrass.tumblr.com flirts with Zuko to try and get him to join the new reformed Freedom Fighters. That’s right folks! Since the last time we saw Jet, he has decided to change his ways and only do what’s right. Let’s see if he’ll live up that goal.

2.14  

City of Walls and Secrets  

We see the Gaang on an earthbending operated train travelling to the inner wall. They meet me! Joo Dee. I introduce them as their guide and waive off any attempts the Gaang make to meet the Earth King. Because of course, “one doesn't just pop in on the Earth King.” How laughable! We meet the Dai Li (cultural authority of Ba Sing Se) and its leader Long Feng when Toph and Katara dress up like high society girls to sneak into a party in order to meet the Earth King. In the meantime, Aang and Sokka manage to sneak into the party as busboys. We see Bosco for the first time as he voraciously attacks the food in front of him. Long Feng takes the Gaang aside and tells them that the Earth King doesn’t have time to get involved in “political squabbles and the day to day minutiae of military activities. What’s most important to his royal majesty is maintaining the cultural heritage of Ba Sing Se.” It is the Dai Li that oversees the military and other resources. The Gaang are warned that they will be watched very closely to make sure they don’t mention the war to anyone lest they be expelled from the city and be unable find Appa.

Jet, knowing Zuko and Iroh are Fire Nation after spotting evidence of Iroh firebending, starts obsessively spying on the two. Zuko and Iroh start working in a tea shop. After repeated attempts to catch Zuko and Iroh firebending fail, Jet decides to attack them at the tea shop in an attempt to force at least one of them to use their firebending. Iroh cleverly insists that Jet is just confused, everyone else comes to the conclusion that Jet is violently crazy and Jet gets taken in by the Dai Li. He is brainwashed to believe: "There is no war within the walls. Here we are safe. Here we are free."

2.15

The Tales of Ba Sing Se 

Katara decides to take Toph on a girls day out. After putting on some makeup and taking a stroll, they walk onto a bridge where some girls make fun of their makeup. Toph, ever unwilling to put up with such behaviour, earthbends them into the water. Katara then comforts her friend. I’m glad these two are actually getting along.

Aang, while looking for Appa, sees the state of the animals living in a poorly funded zoo and decides to free them. He causes a massive havoc and ruins the cabbage man’s cabbages again. At least that rabbaroo got to eat though! Aang forces the guards to open the gates and quickly makes a nice habitat for the zoo animals which the zoo keeper thanks him for.

Someone tries to mug Iroh. Iroh, being Iroh, corrects his stance and gives him some life advice. The mugger graciously thanks him and commits to seeking his goal of being a masseur. Just Iroh things! Iroh honours his son’s death as the entire membership of the Avatar Rewatch cries with him.

Zuko gets asked out on a date by a girl named Jin. I rather like her. Unfortunately for Zuko, he makes quite a few awkward and rather gauche moves. The two still end up kissing, but Zuko very quickly decides after that it simply cannot work between them. So sad. But I guess Mai is happy with this decision.

Momo gets chased around by some felines and does some impromptu street dancing before getting locked in a cage beside the same felines. He very easily escapes, and decides to graciously free his former pursuers.

2.16

 Appa’s Lost Days 

We see Appa being captured by sandsailers and sold to a circus. The animal trainer mistreats Appa, but he bonds with a little boy that feeds him. Appa manages to escape during a show after performing a few tricks. He searches for his air nomad with no luck as he retraces his steps. We are shown a flashback of Appa and Aang meeting for the first time as youngsters. And we see that Appa and Aang are thinking of each other throughout the night. Appa goes through so many hard times with humans and other animals, he grows defensive of anyone that may harm him. Suki and the other Kyoshi warriors find a hungry, dirty and injured Appa. After the Kyoshi Warriors take care of him for a little while, and gain Appa’s trust, the Trio attacks. Appa manages to escape with the Kyoshi warriors help.

Fanart

Joo Dee:

http://superootoro.tumblr.com/post/90039544929/joo-dee-was-scary-as-shit-old-one-from-2010

http://sailortenchi.tumblr.com/post/161387243649/joo-dee-brought-to-you-by-a-collaboration-with-my

http://airbenderbabe.tumblr.com/post/109199937761/hello-my-name-is-joo-dee-i-have-been-given-the

Fancy Earth Kingdom Toph: http://korraquality.tumblr.com/post/79851806814/made-a-fancy-earth-kingdom-toph-to-go-with-the

Appa: http://raphodraws.tumblr.com/post/162362518137/so-my-sister-asked-me-to-make-her-an-avatar-themed

http://biram-ba-gallery.tumblr.com/post/148396635372/book-one-water-ive-been-watching-avatar-

http://angi-pants.tumblr.com/post/168337532892/cute-appa-concept-3-yes-no

Jet: http://istehlurvz.tumblr.com/post/158382341744/i-cant-believe-i-always-come-full-circle-on-old

http://thesearchingastronaut.tumblr.com/post/171707418292/today-i-missed-atla-so-i-drew-jet-because-he-was

The Gaang: http://raphodraws.tumblr.com/post/162442066567/ok-so-after-design-no1-got-rejected-have-design

Bosco and The Earth King: http://zeddfro.tumblr.com/post/166491061201/inktober-day-16-fat-bosco-the-normal-bear

Suki: http://angi-pants.tumblr.com/post/171903584627/sneak-peak-suki-is-finally-ready-for-approval

Suki & Sokka: http://rebel-spore.tumblr.com/post/170879604308/sokka-would-so-be-all-about-valentines-day

Suki, Yue & Mai: http://puffycaveman.tumblr.com/post/120074866296/been-super-busy-lately-but-i-finally-had-some

Iroh’s tea time: https://huckdoodles.tumblr.com/post/171984618446/huckdoodles-sharing-tea-with-a-fascinating

Analysis

Caelum Blue's ATLA Episode Timeline (this is dedication!)  https://caelum-in-the-avatarverse.tumblr.com/post/171979806694/caelum-blues-atla-episode-timeline

Discord server: https://discord.gg/dtajJx3

Avatar Rewatch Calendar: http://goo.gl/NUV1Kp

(These beautiful episode title cards were created by the ever talented @ahhhsami)

[rem102]

A Little Mistake Messenger

Ch. 1 Ch. 2 Ch. 3 Ch. 4 Ch. 5 Ch. 6 Ch. 7 Ch. 8  Ch. 9 Ch. 10 Ch. 11

Summary:  MC has exciting news to tell Zen and the other RFA members. That is until the MC gets a shock from Zen. MC finds comfort in a close friend, Jumin Han.

Rating: M (language and adult themes)

Tags: Mystic Messenger, Jumin x MC, Zen x MC

Authors Note: I’ve been working on a 707 series while also working at this story as well. So that’s exciting! I hope my Jumin fanatics like myself reallllly enjoy this chapter. I’ve been listening to a Firefly music festival playlist for a lot of inspiration to get my butt in gear. 

I’d love to hear from you guys about what you like or what I can improve upon. Keep liking and sharing to spread the love <3 

Lazy weekends were the best weekends especially after Jumin got home from his business trip. Jumin was napping soundly on the couch Elizabeth the third purring on his chest with his hand on her body. I smiled to myself as I watched the two of them snoozing the afternoons away. I grabbed a blanket and gently laid it across his legs and on lower part of his chest. His top shirt buttons casually unbuttoned. Elizabeth moved in his arms at the startle of the blanket but settled back into her position once she realized I had helped her out.

I sat back down on the lounge chair and scrolled through my phone.

— MC has logged into the Chatroom—

Jaehee: I’m relaxing at the beach getting some sun.

707: I burn to a crisp in the sun

Oh MC is here!

MC: Jaehee how is vacation going?

Jaehee: You can keep my job forever if you would like. 

Has Jumin ran you up a wall yet?

MC: hahaha hardly. 

Everything is good on our end, however business end is a different story.

Jaehee: What happened was it his father again?

MC: not quite Mr. Han per say more like Jumin’s fiance.

707: wait hes engaged that damn bastard

MC: no don’t misunderstand this is not his choosing.

Jaehee: and what happened?

MC: they may or may not believe that Jumin and I are-

Jaehee: He did what?

MC: Its just a misunderstanding, until Jumin can collect enough information to refuse this marriage proposal.

707: Oh thank God! 

I was worried that I would have to come save you from Jumins clutches. 

Defender of Justice to save the innocent MC from the gate keeper Jumin.

MC: all good on this end here! 

Seven don’t worry I’ll know who to call to save me next time.

707: All is well then.

Defender.

Of.

Justice.

Out.

-707 has logged out-

Jaehee: I have to go too I need another drink.

MC: Don’t have too much fun you have to come back soon!

Jaehee: No promises here.

–Jaehee has logged out—

 It was inevitable that I would run into Zen news on my Facebook page. South Korean Musical Actor Trending in the United States of America. I quickly scrolled past the news page my friends shared on Facebook. Hyun Ryu and Amelia Corina officially an item? I turned my phone over trying to ignore the burning feeling in my heart. 

I could not tear my eyes away at his calm and collected mannerism. Did he even lose any sleep over me? He looked as if he didn’t spend too much time letting a breakup hinder his acting and public appearance. Hyun was somebody now, and I was just holding him back. It took me a week and RFA taking turns keeping my mind occupied before I was finally composed enough to be alone.

Why was I craving to see him, was it because he was happy and doesn’t seem to be too worried about a cheating scandal? I still cared for Zen. I will always love him in some way or the other. I cant forget the man that he was before things started to go downhill. Still, I can admire him from afar. Maybe one day Jaehee and I can fangirl over him and we can bring the baby to watch Zen on the TV.

There were thousands of pictures mostly of Zen, and selfies on date nights. Late nights under the stars, his motorcycle, backstage at his musicals. Was he happy? Was he finally accomplishing his dreams? Did the woman in the new pictures know how he likes his DVD collection at home? How he snores lightly when he’s exhausted from a long night of drinking?

I looked at my camera roll on my phone hesitant to look at the beginning. If I wanted a clean slate I needed to delete photos off of my phone. It was going to be now or never. I selected every photo, video, selfie, and saved screen shots I had saved since I met him. I quickly hit the delete button before my heavy fingers would change their mind. Clearing out all the memories, and moments that I treasured the most with Zen. I took a deep breath as I emptied my trash bin on my phone.

I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could start looking forward to cute baby pictures. I finally opened my text messages and deleted any and every message with Zen involved in it. It would be better to rid myself of the temptation to look back and feel sorry about myself. I smiled to myself that I was finally released from a large amount of temptation to look at those photos that brought me so much happiness.

I was startled by Elizabeth crawling in my lap. I looked over at Jumin who was lazily stretching out on the couch with a loud groan. I pet her soft white fur as she sat down between my legs encouraging me to pet her.

“Have you decided to sit with the ladies?” I said to Elizabeth who was enjoying extra attention from another person.

She cozied herself up on my knee and sprawling out. “She just wants more attention” Jumin said groggily and I laughed at her cute little face and tail.

“Jumin, Elizabeth the Third needs a womanly figure in her life to keep her straight. Sometimes it’s good to take a short reprieve from her favorite and only man in her life.”

He laughed and sat up on the couch, blanket wrapped around his shoulders and hair disheveled in all directions. I smiled to myself at his rare and slightly appearance. Jumin would hate to look like a mess in front of anyone.

“What are you smiling at?” He asked looking at me seated on the edge of the couch arms resting on his legs.

“Nothing!” I told him scratching behind Elizabeth’s ears averting his stare and blush on my cheeks. I took out my phone and took a quick picture of Elly. I knew who to send this picture to, Seven. Seven immediately responded with heart emojis: “Elly my love! She is so adorable! Jumin however looks like he just woke up with the bad case of bed head.”

“Wait was I in that picture that you just took?” He asked sitting upright on the couch. “Maybe. A lady never divulges her secrets Jumin.” I teased and he smirked. “Can I see it?” He asked softly. I got up and sat next to him on the couch and showed him the picture.

“God is that what my hair looks like?” He ran a hand through it in an attempt to fix it only making it stick further out. I laughed uncontrollably at his hair and his expression when he asked me if it looked any better. He got up and went to his room. “Can you help me since my efforts have been to no avail.”

“Yes Jumin.” I sat on the top of the couch and had him between my legs. “Let me know if I pull your hair.”

I carefully brushed his hair back towards my body. “Have you ever worn it any other way or has it always looked like this?”

“Its been the same for as long as I can remember.”

“Jumin have you ever been in relationships with other women before?”

“What?”

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, I just never have seen you show interest in many women our age. Nothing is wrong with that I was just wondering.”

“Women are out for my fathers money and influence not so much myself. The way to my fathers heart seems to be through winning me over. None of them actually cared for me or was around long enough for one anyways. Most women only see me as money and future CEO.”

“I understand your difficulty then finding someone you can actually trust and talk too aside from V and Rika.”

“Yes it was only them for a while but now that V is absent and Rika passed I only have Elizabeth.”

“You have me too Jumin.”

“I know and I’m thankful for some sanity in the madness.” He sighed deeply. “How does it look?”

“It doesn’t look half bad pulled back.” I said and he got up to look at himself.

“If I didn’t look old before this makes me look much older now.”

“I think you look mature, well you already looked mature. More mature.” I said shuffling down to the couch.

“You think I would scare Jaehee if I wore it like this?” He asked smiling as he ruffled his hair out with a shake of his head and hair returned to its normal position on his head.

“I think she would think something was wrong.” He smiled shaking his head.

“What were you doing earlier on your phone? You looked upset?” He asked concerned tone in his voice.

“Hmm oh I was just deleting photos.”

“Of him?”

“Yes of him.” Silence deafened between the two of us before he spoke again.

“You still love him?”

“I don’t love him now but I think I always will hold a place for him. There is a baby that will probably remind me of Zen every day soon.”

“Is love a strange and powerful emotion?” He asked sitting back down on the couch his arms reclined back on the couch behind him. I looked at his face searching himself for some grasp on his tone and curiosity.

“Love?” How do I describe love?

“Well love is different for everyone,” I tried to explain. “Theres the love you have for your family or your father. The love you have for your friends V, Seven, Yoosung, and Jaehee. Finally there is romantic love that you feel towards another person.”

“I love Elizabeth the Third, is that more a familial love?”

“Yes exactly shes a part of your family.”

“Familial love is similar to when Yoosung and Seven talk about chocolate milk and cat jokes?” I nodded my head smiling. Jumin trying to make mental connections to the emotions he was feeling and putting a name to the emotion and it was written on a furrowed line on his forehead. The wrinkle he gets when he is deep in concentration and deep thought. He was silent again before he spoke up once more. 

“What about romantic love?” His asked softly in my direction. 

I took my time trying to find the right words in which to describe romantic love to him that would make the most sense. Your heart starts racing uncontrollably out of your chest around them. Your face gets red when they say anything remotely similar to flirting.” He nodded his head. “Do you find it hard to eat when you think about them?” he asked genuinely. “I think so depending on the situation.”

He met my eyes in an instant, “I think I know what it is.” His hand rested on top of my hand his eyes locked with mine. His fingers grasping onto the sides of my hand and making small circular motions with his pointer finger. I took a deep intake of air before speaking “Romantic or passionate love for another person I think is when you put the other person before yourself, and you worry not just for your needs but for theirs and in a more intimate way. Physically and mentally.” 

His dark eyes stared into my own and I was memorized at the deep color of them as our eyes locked onto one another. “I think I know what it is,” he said moving closer to me on the couch. My face felt warm under his intense stare. Jumin closed the space that was between his lips within inches of my own. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his warm lips to meet mine. His hand sliding to the back of my head. 

There was a loud knock on the door. I immediately sat back and lowered my eyes to avert his own. He cleared his throat and buttoned his shirt to check the door. 

“Jumi! I came to-“ a loud and shrilling high pitched voice pierced through the air and could only belong to the voice of a red-haired, overly perfumed woman in a purple dress.

“This is not a good time Sarah.” Jumin said and she barged into his home. Sarah threw open the door that Jumin was guarding. He palmed his head in frustration. .

“Oh shes here.” I shifted in my seat making sure my little baby bump was hidden from her watchful eye. Shit. The ultrasound was on his fridge. This could implicate Jumin already more than he already was.

“shes my lover of course she would be here.” Jumin said coming to sit by me leaning on the sofa arm casually.

“I brought something for Liz!”

“Elizabeth the third?” Jumin corrected

“yes the cat,” Sarah snared back at him.

I slowly got up to make my way over to the fridge. “Shall I let you two discuss?”

“No I want you to stay.” Jumin said grabbing my hand from my side. I turned to look at him and his expression pleading for help. His slim fingers intertwined into my own.

“So how did you two officially meet?”Sarah asked trying to latch herself onto Jumin. Her breasts spilling out of her top as she attempted to press herself to his arm. Jumin immediately shook her off in disgust and need for personal space. I gave him some space as he tried to push her off of him. 

“Well-“ I started when Jumin chimed in. 

“She is the coordinator for RFA parties for a while, and-“

“I have no interest in Jumin’s businesses, he’s a genuinely kind man with a huge heart.” I added as i looked at Sarah who looked like she bit into something sour and bitter. 

 “Romantic love will never last.”

Her comment struck a nerve deep within me. 

“I know that, more than anyone.” She started going through my papers i had laying on the dining room table. I stepped in front of her putting the papers back to their location.

“You have a limited amount of time with the people you love than you spend that time doing just that.”

“I have a right to see what those documents are since I am his fiance.”

“No you don’t. and No you are not. You can leave the gift for Elizabeth on the table and then escort yourself out.” I was fuming with annoyance. Jumin was smirking behind me at how little patience I had for this woman.

“Jumin are you going to let her speak to me in such ways? I know you are faking this relationship with your secretary. Wont you let me comfort you?”

“I find no issue with her tone.Is that so? We are faking it?” He said questionably at her comment. His arms folded against his chest in annoyance.

“MC.” Jumin said grabbing my arm and pulling myself towards him closely. He felt like he was on fire from the heat he was exuding.

“I want to be honest with my feelings for you. I had intentions on letting our relationship grow however I ant deny that there is a strong attraction to you. I cannot hold myself back any longer.”

“Jumin-“

I felt his hand on my chin and he pressed his lips firmly against mine. My mind went blank at his tender kiss. I wanted more. I needed more. But I also needed to breathe before I was consumed in his heat. I looked into Jumins eyes that were tenderly looking into my own. I don’t know how long we stood there just looking at each other. 

“You would kiss her in front of your own fiance!” Sarah screamed and loudly screaming at us both. Sarah must have let herself out on her own because I was too busy letting Jumin consume me with his tender kisses. Jumins hand placed behind my head. My hands holding tightly onto his shirt. I let my guard down and allowed myself to initiate the kiss again and pressed myself into his warm and soft lips. His tongue tracing around my lip as if asking for permission from my lips to enter.

He was the first to pull away his head resting on mine. “I have been wanting to kiss you for a long time now.” He smiled kissing my head as if I were a child. 

“Did you mean what you said earlier?”

“All of it.” He just held me tightly against his chest. 

“I have never felt this much before I met you.” He whispered into my ear and I smiled knowing that he was becoming more open with himself and allowing himself to feel. He pressed his lips against mine as if he was trying to consume the air in my lungs. My lips brushing against his over and over again.

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[minthepin]

7 days or 150,000 steps. Your choice…

Highlights

By far my favorite thing here was eating at Zellers Bistro. I may or may not have cried at the dinner table. I now realize that I will never amount to that level of happiness again so I can die. Dad said they are ranked in the top 10 restaurants in Budapest. They greeted you with some elderflower champagne (made in house) and said goodbye with some miniature cupcakes. The whole atmosphere was so sweet, like some basement/wine storage place that was last minute turned into a wonderful little restaurant. I had the Hungarian gray beef steak with jacket potato and green peas, and dad had the Cod with black risotto. Needless to say, the steak was better. It just melted in your mouth as tears of joy came running down my face.

The restaurant

Cod and black risotto

This dude keeps following me

Beef and peas, and some of my tears

Carrot cake

Margaret Island comes in close second. I don’t know whether it was just because I was tired of being around people, or whether it was the natural (although hella manicured) quality of the island. But it was just a relaxing day. I followed some self-guided walking tour of the island – there were some Roman ruins, an old convent (for Princess Margaret – her father said if he won the war he would give her to God, so she became a nun at the ripe old age of 9), the Grand Hotel Margitsziget (it used to be the most fashionable hotel in all of Budapest, simply known as “the Grand,” but after WW2 the hotel was modernized), a cute little rose garden and finally, a Japanese garden (waterfalls, streams, bridges and all). The only disappointment was that there was suppose to be a musical fountain, playing old Hungarian tunes, but for some reason, there was neither a fountain nor music. Maybe I liked it so much because it was away from all the traffic and tourists, or maybe it was because I didn’t have to have the stress of trying to keep up with a tour group that I would eventually lose.

Roman ruins

Rose Garden

Rose Garden

Water Tour

Princess Margret

The Convent

The Grand Hotel

The Grand Hotel

Japanese Garden

Japanese Garden

The neither Musical nor Fountain

Japanese Garden

And for my final highlight, it must have been the Opera. Surprising, I know. But actually, they are low key known for their amazing performances. We went to the Hungarian National Opera theater to see “Marios and the Magician” and “Bluebeards Castle,” both written by Hungarian composers. So, although they were in Hungarian and I understood nothing, they had surtitles translating in English. Unfortunately, the theater will be closed down for the next five years for renovation. The singers were so powerful, and the music was just amazing. I have never experienced something so dramatic in person.

The theater, we were on the third floor so a few people got nose bleeds.

It me

The outside of the theater

Daily Activities

Seeing as that was nearly a day worth of activities I figured I should give a slightly more detailed description of my time here (but not too much because this post is already long, so more so pictures than anything).

Day 1

I got in around noon and slept most of the day. Dad and I went out for a sunset walk to see the Parliament, Chain Bridge, and some other things in the nearby vicinity. He works at the Ministry of Agriculture, so he wanted to show me that as well. We then ate a cherry-poppyseed strudel (they are in love with poppyseed things, and strudels so I’m here for it).

The fat policeman statue – rubbing his belly brings you luck

Cherry and Poppyseed Strudel

Imre Nagy Statue, the bridge is made out of Soviet tank pieces (parliament in the back)

The Parliament

View from the Chain Bridge

Day 2

I wanted to get some hardcore tourist shit in still, but dad not so much. We compromised and went on a free alternative walking tour. It was quite interesting – there is a competition every year to design murals on blank walls, it is meant to make the city more beautiful. One of my favorites was the Rubix cube, up close it’s just a bunch of dots, but further away it becomes a cube! The guy who invented it is Hungarian (a lot of things are actually Hungarian – with Greek inspiration of course). There is a quote next to the cube that says, “There is more than one way to solve a problem.” Which is think is super applicable to everyone’s life and honestly, that is a really good thing to keep in mind when doing anything. I was talking to Joe a few weeks ago and something he emphasized in his personal belief is just perspective. Everything needs to get put into perspective in order to try to understand it – maybe it is a person, or a problem, anything really. I just felt like those two went hand in hand and I truly appreciate the beauty of both statements. We saw a lot more street art (attached below I’ll explain it for you, although mom you can just call and I’ll tell you. I know it’s just you reading it…).

Rubix Cube, the quote is “Mindig van megoldás és nem is csak egy!”

This was a Spanish painter, and the man depicted help save a lot of Jewish people during the War. Unfortunately, I cant remember his name.

This was a cute little sticker that is all over Budapest

This is a depiction of Buda and Pest (two separate cities, but they come together because of love). It tries to switch up the stereotypes of both sides of the city.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The theme for this was “all things Hungarian,” Poseidon one has a bunch of little features (like the train), and the girl is suppose to be a classical Hungarian girl.

It’s me and dad trying to take a selfie in front of a fish!

Day 3

Today was Pentecostal, so more or less everything was closed. Since it is a Christian holiday, I decided to do the Jewish legacy walking tour. We walked all over the Jewish Ghetto and there were three Synagogues we saw – the Great, the Modern, and the Orthodox. All of which were beautiful, but none really resembled a traditional Synagogue. The Great Synagogue – biggest on continental Europe (I think) – had a weeping willow tree made out of silver. Each leaf had a name on it. Around it were rocks everywhere, this is how Jewish people signify their love at burials – the rocks last forever to signify that they will not be forgotten. It was so touching and sad, Hungarians have such a rich history with the Jewish folk during WW2. Of about 700,000 before the war there were only 60,000 left when it ended. We saw the mass burial ground and heard about the Shoe Memorial by the Danube (see Day 4). There were some positives though, there was a statue of Raul Wallenberg and Carl Lutz. Both of them played a major role in saving thousands and thousands of Jewish people during the war in Hungary. If you’re reading this, you honestly should take 10 minutes out of your day and read about Hungarian history and World War 2. Currently, the government is trying to deny all responsibilities. They are blaming the Germans for actions the Hungarians took. Of course, there was an influence, but the Hungarians went above and beyond to destroy a culture and a people. The government even built a fountain (Day 4) trying to avoid all blame. Total and complete bullshit.

Raul Wallenberg Memorial

Synagogue – Modern

Synagogue door – it is under reconstruction

Carl Lutz Memorial

I think this is super applicable to a bunch of incredible people I know

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Weeping Willow Tree

Memorable Jewish people

The Great Synagogue

The Great Synagogue

Day 4

Seeing as losing my tour group yesterday was traumatic, I decided to try again. I went on a “Red” tour – i.e. communism. And although it was super interesting and good, I think jet lag was catching up with me making me super out of it (also see Day 5….). First off, I woke up to an e-mail saying I was Unconditionally Accepted to my Master’s program (WOO!). But then I went to lunch at dads work and got an amazing view of the Parliament. The tour was good, I saw the interactive fountain/blame it on the Germans fountain,  but I just wasn’t all that into it. So I kinda “lost” them and went to do my own thing. I saw the Shoe Memorial on the Danube and just wandered around Budapest.

The Parliament from the Ministry of Agriculture

The “its the German’s fault” fountain

The Parliament from the back.

Shoe Memorial

Shoe Memorial

The Chain Bridge

View from the Chain Bridge

Chain Bridge

Sticker on the bridge

Day 5

The food was too good the night before, so I’m pretty sure my body needed to calm down a little. Went for a short walk but nothing too extraordinary.

Day 6

Ya girl finally did the whole city tour – I got over to the Buda side! We saw St. Stephens Basilica, the first metro station in continental Europe, the little princess (I took the same pic 4 years later, see my insta min.mosa), the Palace, St. Matthias Church, fisherman’s bastion, and then got lost trying to get back. Those places are really beautiful, but I think you can just see it and be done. I’m not sure I have much to say about these places, overall beautiful but I think it is super touristy. AND in Budapest it is very traditional to go to Baths – water helps cure everything right? So, we went to St. Lucas Baths, which were really kinda small. It isn’t the touristy place (Szechenyi Baths, which I was at 4 years ago), but instead one where locals go. I was a little iffy on this idea because bath with your father doesn’t sound too good…. But It was just a warm swimming pool with a jacuzzi and a swirling current. It was fun to go to, but I wasn’t the biggest fan. My life would have been the same without it. If you ever make it over here, it is definitely something you have to do, just to cross it off your bucket list (which by the way, I have been hungry in Hungary, so #winning).

First metro station

The little princess and I

Views from the Chain Bridge

St. Matthias Church

The Fisherman’s Bastion

Views from the Fisherman’s Bastion

Me getting lost

Still lost, but found a cool window

St. Lucas Baths

Selfie at the Baths, ft. my new camera (thanks dad!)

Parliament at sunset

Day 7

Margret Island, and just putzing around, later we did the Opera!

Onwards…

I really enjoyed my time here, and would recommend it! I think it has a lot of history, beautiful art, and some really neat people. Overall, I can see why people call it the “Paris of Eastern Europe.” I don’t think I would go that far since 98% of the time it smells like pee, but I would say it is really pretty.

On my last day before being in transit to Jordan, I think we are just gonna hang out and maybe take some pictures. If you get a chance, you should come here. Maybe don’t spend a whole week (or maybe do since beer is only a euro…), but if you do be sure to check out some of their wonderful history and culture.

This place really makes you understand your good fortune. At least mine. I really have had a lot of time to think (both because tour groups get lost, and because I sit a lot on my own). I can’t believe how lucky I have been these past four years. Yeah, a lot of shit happened, but honestly, overall, I don’t know if I would have become the person I am today without it. I grew up, I am able to reflect on things, and most importantly I like who I am. If that isn’t something to be celebrated, I am not sure what is.

The first time I was here, I was on my way to becoming a freshman, getting my BS in something, and now I am on my way towards getting my MS in international development. I never thought my college experience would have turned out this way, nor that I would have ended up in a field like this, but holy shit am I lucky. I am so lucky to be pursuing a career that I think I’ll love, I am lucky to have known some amazing people, and I am so lucky to have love, support and good fill every corner of my life. Even if I can’t do that for myself, I know I’ll have someone else who can get a flashlight and blind me with light. So thank you to everyone who has contributed to my last four years, good or bad. You have made me better, stronger and wiser.

7 Days in Budapest 7 days or 150,000 steps. Your choice... Highlights By far my favorite thing here was eating at…

[johnchiarello]

Mark 9

MARK 9 Mark 9:39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me.Mark 9:40 For he that is not against us is on our part. https://youtu.be/6Bp5quWWNxs Mark 9 https://ccoutreach87.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/5-2-17-mark-9.zip https://ccoutreach87.com/5-2-17-mark-9/

https://youtu.be/uKm5kCsO8dY Preview- Mark 9

ON VIDEO- .Mount of transfiguration .Moses and Elijah appear .Kingdom of God .Prayer and fasting .Not a formula .if they are on our side- leave them alone .Fundamental Baptists .Assembly of God .Catholics .Tongues .Once saved always saved .Hedonism .Evil eye .Origen

NEW- [Past teaching- verses below]

There are a few teachings I want to focus on in this chapter- and briefly overview the whole chapter.

First we have the mount of transfiguration. Jesus takes 3 of his men up a mountain- and is changed before their eyes- Mark 9:2 And after six days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them. Mark 9:3 And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow; so as no fuller on earth can white them. He is white- shining with the glory of God. His men are terrified- never saw any thing like it before. Then Moses and Elijah appear with Jesus- Mark 9:4 And there appeared unto them Elias with Moses: and they were talking with Jesus. In Luke’s account it says they were discussing Jesus death- which was yet to come- Luke 9:30 And, behold, there talked with him two men, which were Moses and Elias: Luke 9:31 Who appeared in glory, and spake of his decease which he should accomplish at Jerusalem. Moses is representative of the law- and Elijah the prophets [divisions we have in the Old Testament]. And Jesus is the fulfillment of all that the law and prophets said- Luke 24:44 And he said unto them, These are the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me.

The disciples have a question for Jesus- Mark 9:11 And they asked him, saying, Why say the scribes that Elias must first come? Word must have gotten around ‘Hey- Jesus can’t be the Messiah- because the prophets said Elijah must come first’. True- But Jesus teaches us that John the Baptist was the fulfillment of the Elijah prophecy- Mark 9:13 But I say unto you, That Elias is indeed come, and they have done unto him whatsoever they listed, as it is written of him. 17 And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord. Luke 1- [speaking of John the Baptist- Elias in the King James is Elijah] Jesus casts put a demon- his disciples tried- but had no effect. Jesus replies- Mark 9:29 And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. Then the disciples get into an argument over who will the the greatest- and Jesus gives them a lesson- Mark 9:35 And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:36 And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Mark 9:37 Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. John also has a question- Mark 9:38 And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. Jesus teaches his men not embrace the view that ‘they are the only right group’ meaning the core group of followers. No- if others are accepting the message- and doing kingdom works- then leave them alone. Those who are not against us- are on our side- Mark 9:39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. Mark 9:40 For he that is not against us is on our part. The chapter ends with some seemingly difficult instructions- Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:44 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:46 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Jesus is showing us that life is not about getting all you can- having all the eye can see- all that the hand can do- and all places that your feet can take you to.

No- there are things to avoid seeing- things to avoid doing [hand] and places you should not go [areas of sin].

It’;s better to live sacrificially and walk in the kingdom- then to get all you can get- in this life now. On the video I gave a few more examples about the transfiguration- and talked a bit more about those who took the Command about ‘cut it off’ a bit to literally [Origen- an early Church father].

But overall this is the gist of it. Jesus had a manifestation of the glory of God- pre- resurrection.

The Mount of transfiguration was a Divine revealing of the Glory of God- on the Son of man. Yes- on Jesus Christ- a sinless man.

Paul taught us in Romans that the Spirit can make us alive now- can free us from all sin- and this act- also described as ‘raised to life’ takes place in this life- Romans 8:10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. Romans 8:11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you. On the Mount of transfiguration we saw the only sinless man- and the glory of God upon him. I think the Beginning of the chapter has something to do with the end of the chapter.

As believers- if we learn to ‘cut off’ the stuff in our lives that hold us back. The things we look at that are wrong. The acts we do that are sinful. The places we go that are traps. Then in a small way- we too can be ‘made white’. Yeah- whiter than any bleach on earth could ever do- Jesus’ appearance changed in front of them. 3 His clothes became dazzling white, whiter than anyone on earth could bleach them. Mark 9:2-3

PAST POSTS- [here are my past teachings that relate in some way to today’s post MARK 9] https://ccoutreach87.com/hebrews-updated-2015/ https://ccoutreach87.com/1st-2nd-corinthians/ https://ccoutreach87.com/galatians-links/ https://ccoutreach87.com/romans-updated-2015/ https://ccoutreach87.com/overview-of-philosophy/ MARK- https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/02/28/jersey-city-ride-mark-1/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/03/02/mark-2-north-bergen/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/03/04/mark-3-isaiah-61/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/03/14/mark-4/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/03/27/mark-5/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/04/05/mark-6/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/04/16/mark-7/ https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/04/30/mark-8/ 2ND CORITNHIANS 5- Paul speaks of the Christian hope- resurrection! This chapter can be confusing if not taken in context. You could think that Paul is saying when we die we have a house/room in heaven ‘waiting for us’ and this seems true enough. But he is really saying something more along the lines of ‘in heaven [Gods realm] we have a promise of a new body. The Spirit in us is the down payment, but full redemption will be complete when we are raised from the dead’ the hope is a new body, not our souls living some type of disembodied existence in a heavenly mansion. Now, Paul teaches us that this new covenant [last chapter] is one of reconciliation, not condemnation. That because of the work of the Cross, all men have been reconciled to God! It is therefore our job to tell them. In the field of Christian thought there have been thinkers [Origen, Carlton Pearson, etc.] who have dabbled with the doctrine of universalism. They believe that ultimately all people will be saved. I do not believe in this doctrine myself [though I wished it were true- I mean wouldn’t you want everyone forgiven and with God?] but those who embrace it find there reasoning in these types of verses. The New Testament teaches a theme of redemption that says ‘all men have been reconciled to God; Jesus has died for all men. God wills for all to be saved’ and it is because of this theme that some have held to universalism. The point I do want to make to all my orthodox friends is the New Testament message is one of total acceptance based on Christ’s death for us. Sometimes Christians ‘make it hard’ for people to ‘get saved’. The bible doesn’t make it hard, it says it’s a free gift that anyone can have [I know my Calvinist friends are upset right now, but heck I cant please all the people all of the time]. We want the world to know that ‘God was in Christ reconciling the world unto himself’. These major themes need to be engrained into the mind of the church and the world. I am not talking ‘easy believism’ in the sense that God requires no repentance, but I am talking the reality of the free gift based upon what Jesus has done. There are so many people struggling with so many things, many have prayed and pleaded with God for change. Many have given up; they see God as a demanding judge whom they could never please. The message of the Cross is ‘you can’t please God, make up for your own sins. God placed those sins on Jesus, that’s why you can be accepted’. He was made sin for us, who knew no sin. That we might be made the righteousness of God in him. Once you see this truth, God will set you free. You will change, you will become ‘righteous’ but it’s a result of the Cross, not your own efforts. [parts] THE RAPTURE?

I spoke with a friend yesterday about the Harold Camping prediction that obviously failed. They know someone who is really into Camping and that person was being set up for the disappointment. On CNN they had a Baptist preacher who warned against this type of date setting- yet he spoke confidently about ‘the Rapture is the next event on Gods calendar- followed by the 7 years of great tribulation’.

I’m sure this fine pastor felt like he was providing a balanced voice compared to Camping’s date setting- yet I felt his interpretation was almost as ‘bad’ as what Camping was doing. Why?

My first introduction to ‘the Rapture’ came as a new believer who started attending a fine Baptist church- they were an ‘Independent, Fundamentalist, Pre-millennial’ Baptist church – and yes- they managed to fit all this on the sign!

The standard teaching says that in the New Testament there are 2 separate events that make up the 2nd coming. The first event is called The Rapture- that Jesus secretly comes all the way back to the earth and stops short in the sky [his feet don’t touch the ground] he ‘catches away’ all true believers [normally the Catholics, Orthodox and other historic churches get ‘left behind’] and then begins a 7 year tribulation period.

After the tribulation you have the other part of the 2nd coming- called the Revelation of Jesus- some Christians say this happens after 3.5 years of tribulation- others after the 7 year period.

Some say Jesus comes back after a 1000 year literal reign on earth [post millennial] others say before [pre- millennial].

And then you have various ways they interpret the end time judgment- some say you have what’s called ‘the Bema seat’ a separate judgment for believers- and then the ‘Great White Throne judgment’ the general judgment of the wicked.

O.K. does the bible specifically teach that the Rapture event is a separate event from the 2nd coming? No- in my view the bible does not teach this. Now- I’m sure that most of my Protestant readers are surprised that I hold to this view, because in American Evangelicalism this view is almost like the Trinity- in some circles it divides the true believers from the heretics.

Classic Christianity does not hold this view- this idea became popularized the 1800’s under a man by the name of John Nelson Darby and the idea spread to America in the 1900’s- primarily thru the revivalist strain of Christianity- and the ‘bible school/conference’ movement.

The historic churches just stuck with the classic idea that there will be one second coming- and there will be a resurrection and final judgment. I pretty much fall into this category myself.

You would be surprised how much thought has gone into this idea- I mean you have entire schools of thought- who call the other side heretics- just because they believe a 3.5 year tribulation as opposed to a 7 year one.

The word rapture comes from the Greek phrase used in Paul’s 1st letter to the Thessalonians- chapter 4. That’s the rapture chapter. The apostle says that Jesus will return and catch up [catch away] the believers into the air- they will forever be with God. This event is biblical- I believe it will someday take place. I simply believe this event to be the 2nd coming- not another event that you would define as the rapture.

I believe if you simply read the 2nd coming passages in the New Testament- that you would see this to be the most acceptable view. Jesus actually says ‘after these things [the great tribulation] then the sign of the coming of the Son of Man appears in heaven’ and he goes on to say ‘one will be taken- the other left’. It seems pretty clear to me that the event where ‘one is taken- another left’ takes place ‘after these things’ Jesus actually gives us the time table.

To be fair- the other side has many-many ways to ‘get around’ these verses- I just feel that after all is said and done- that the best way to view The Rapture is to see this event as the actual 2nd coming.

I have written a lot about this over the years [under the End Times section] and my purpose today is not to ‘prove’ whose view is right- I have found those tasks to be next to impossible. My point is if a believer [or group of them] chooses to break away from the historic church’s position on anything, then you need to think thru it very carefully. Most classic Christian churches have had very wise and knowledgeable men who thought long and hard before they articulated doctrine.

This is not to say that the majority view is always right- but it’s simply a safe guide to stick with the majority Christian view most of the time. I’m very aware of the minority report when it comes to the Rapture doctrine- I just feel like the portions of scripture that are used to ‘prove’ the doctrine are not strong enough to overthrow the classic belief.

The plain teaching of the New Testament is that there most definitely will be a Second Coming- and this event does not take place in 2 stages- the Rapture is the 2nd coming.

http://www.corpuschristioutreachministries.blogspot.com

[1659] HAROLD CAMPING

As you well know- today will be our last day together. Yes- at 6:oo tonight the world is supposed to end. I first stumbled across the article a few weeks ago. The famous preacher from the east- Harold Camping- has once again predicted the return of Christ [or the Rapture].

Camping has gone down this road before- and I have a friend who actually follows Camping and I have tried to be nice about it- but of course most Christians believe Camping is part of a long line of well meaning men- who can’t resist the temptation to date set.

Now- I of course do not fall for stuff like this- I am not that gullible for heaven’s sake, some kind of conspiracy nut. Plus- if the world ends today- then how will we ever catch Bin Laden [of course you heard- he’s still alive?] hiding in Pakistan- with the fake birth certificate duplicator machine- you know- the one he used to fake Obama’s long form!

So yes- we as believers do have a history of doing silly things at times- and for some reason these things take on a life of their own. Many years ago I had a friend [Emit- for those of you who have read my posts these past few weeks- you now know who he is] he was/is sort of a spiritual son- you know- one of the sons of the guys hooked on drugs who eventually became a member of our little church movement.

So one day Emit tells me about the movie Jesus of Nazareth. It came out years ago and they did a good job at depicting the life of Christ. He says ‘did you see the actor who played Jesus? Wow- he was mysterious/spooky’ he watched it with his family and they felt touched by the actor who played Christ.

So I of course opined ‘You know brother- after the movie was made- when you look at the credits at the end- no name shows up for the actor. Then when the other actors and the director questioned each other- no one knows who the actor is!’

Now- of course I was kidding- and I made sure I told Emit ‘brother- just kidding’. But you know how these urban myths go- once you start them- there hard to stop!

So a few years later [maybe 5?] I was talking to his mother in law [Yolanda- another church member who was a woman preacher who did preach and had influence with other Christians- she was Emit’s mother in law]. And somehow she says ‘hey brother John- did you know that no one knows who the actor was in that Jesus movie’. I asked her ‘Yolanda- who told you that?’ she says ‘Emit’.

Now- after all those years the story got out- I mean I wish the truth could spread like this. For all I know there might be an entire group of people in Texas- you know- the ‘anonymous Jesus movie actor believers’ who all believe this story. Heck I always wanted to head up a movement.

But things like this do have a tendency to get around. So anyway that’s how the ‘end of the world is today’ thing has caught on. Now- will the world end today? Doubt it. Will ‘the world’ make fun of us? Sure. Will Christians continue to do things like this? Probably. How can we avoid doing things like this?

The safe way to go- in my view- is to stay connected to the historic church as much as possible. The Christian church has a good- long tradition of Christian truth. For the most part- the stability you find in the Christian classics- the church fathers- Patristics- this tradition is a good one.

Harold Camping is a good man- but he is a retired civil engineer- I’m sure he means well- but try and get your info from men who have been educated- yes thru the more traditional forms of education. Yes- I know ‘who are you to talk- you’re a retired fire fighter!’ But I try to offset that with many years of study- not just bible study- but studying the things I just mentioned. Taking the attitude that I can learn from those who have been at this longer than me. Camping believes ‘all the churches’ are now in deception- yes- he has another weird teaching that says the ‘church age’ has ended and there are no longer any true churches in the world today.

I hope most of you will not fall for stuff like this- we have bigger fish to fry- heck- I need to go out today and start the ‘anonymous Jesus actor followers’ are you in?

http://www.corpuschristioutreachministries.blogspot.com

[parts] LITTLE BOY LOST

The other day we saw the tragic story of the little Jewish boy who went missing on his way home from summer camp. This day he was without a ride, and his mother thought it would be okay for him to walk home the few blocks. After he didn’t show up she called the police.

They eventually discovered that he had been abducted by a member of their own community- and was tragically killed. The Jewish community in this area of Brooklyn is known as an Hasidic community. My mom was born and raised in Brooklyn- and as a boy I remember going to the city and seeing these strange looking guys with funny looking hair and dress.

This community dates back around 2300 years or so. During the Intertestemental period [the time between the last Old Testament book- Malachi- and the book of Matthew] you have quite an interesting history. It was during these 400 years that we saw the rise of the Greek world under Alexander the Great.

In the Greek world you had some very influential philosophers; Socrates most famous student was Plato- Plato’s most famous student was Aristotle- and his most famous student was Alexander the Great.

Alexander sought to implement the ideals of his teacher- he wanted to unify the known world under one people/culture- a belief that Aristotle held- a sort of ‘unified theory’ [Einstein] that would seek to bring all learning/knowledge together under one supreme [Divine] principle.

Alexander’s experiment was called Hellenization- which was the Greek worlds attempt to impose Greek culture/language on all their conquered enemies- and at the same time allow them to hold on to the their own culture too. Alexander did amazingly well at this experiment- at the young age of around 24 he had accomplished most of his mission. The cities were a sort of composite of Greek culture mixed in with their own culture- this is where we get the modern term Cosmopolitan.

Alexander died young and his kingdom was divided between 4 generals- one of them- Ptolemy- would himself make it into the history books because of his keen intellect.

The system of cosmology developed under him would last [and work!] until some 17-18 hundred years later when it was overthrown by the Copernican revolution during the time of Copernicus and Galileo.

Alexander’s generals would do their best to carry on the system of Hellenization- and other nations generals would keep the system going even after Greece fell. One of them- Octavian [Roman general] makes it into the history books by another famous name- Julius Caesar.

Alexander established a great library in the Egyptian city of Alexandria [named after him] and many of the great writings were preserved during this time.

The writings of Aristotle would be discovered again during the time of Thomas Aquinas [13th century Catholic genius/scholar] and this would lead to Scholasticism [a peculiar school of thought developed/revived under Aquinas] and give rise to the Renaissance.

Okay- before the birth of Christ- the Jewish people resisted the imposing of Greek culture upon them- you had the very famous resistance under the Jewish Maccabean revolt- where the Jews rose up and fought the wicked ruler Antiochus Epiphanies- and till this day the Jewish people celebrate this victory at Hanukah.

Eventually Rome would conquer the Greek kingdom and the Jewish people were allowed to keep their culture and temple- yet they were still a people oppressed. Hassidism [getting back to the beginning] developed during this attempt to not lose their Jewish roots- the Pharisees of Jesus day came from this movement.

Alexander was pretty successful in his attempt to unify language- even though the bible [New Testament] was written by Jewish writers- living under Roman rule- yet the original bible is written in the Greek language.

Bible scholars till this day study the Greek language to find the truest meaning of the actual words in the bible [I have a Greek Lexicon sitting right in front of me].

It would take a few centuries before a Latin version appeared on the scene [the great church father- Jerome- would produce the Latin Vulgate].

Yet it would be the re- discovery and learning of the Greek texts [under men like Erasmus- and the Protestant Reformers] that would lead to the Reformation [16th century] and other movements in church history.

Of course the tragedy of the little boy lost is very sad- and the roots of Jewish culture are noble and good- Pope Benedict refers to the Jewish people as ‘our elder brother’ because of the Jewish roots of Christianity. The original church was made up of Jewish believers- people who were waiting for the Messiah for centuries [actually Millennia] and they were convinced that this Jesus- this Jewish itinerant prophet- was indeed the one that was to come.

When you read the sermons in the book of Acts- you hear Peter, Paul- and especially Stephen [ Acts 7] relating the person of Jesus to the prophecies that were spoken about the Messiah in the Old Testament- these early Jewish believers were convinced- in no uncertain terms- that Jesus was the Messiah who was foretold to come.

At the Jewish trial of Jesus- the high priest asks ‘are you claiming to be God’s Son’ Jesus- one of the few times he did this- said ‘you said it’. The priest throws up his hands and says ‘what more need do we have of witnesses- he himself has said he claims deity’.

In John’s gospel we read when Jesus said ‘Abraham saw my day- and was gad’. They asked him ‘how could Abraham see your day- you’re not even 50 years old’ Jesus replied ‘BEFORE ABRAHAM WAS- I AM’ They were incensed- the words I AM were the words used to describe God. The bible says they took up stones to kill him.

The great Christian writer- C.S. Lewis- spent many years as an atheist- yet as an intellectual he read all the great writings of history- and he said that no matter how hard he [and other atheists] tried to reject God- that history was filled with writings- both pro and con- about God.

As a matter of fact- there was no other underlying theme- some scarlet thread- woven thru out the entire history of man- that even came close to this testimony of the reality of God.

Many agnostics of Lewis’ day said ‘we believe Jesus was a good person- even a Rabbi- Prophet- great messenger of God’ Lewis said Jesus did not leave this option open to us. Jesus said he was indeed the Son of God- Deity come down- born from a virgin- crucified- died and was buried. On the 3dr day he rose again- according to the scriptures- he is seated at the right hand of God and will come again- to judge the living and the dead.

Yes kingdoms have come and gone- great men and despots have either honored this Jesus- or despised him- but today we still talk about Jesus- King of Kings and Lord of Lords- we have only one option- either we confess him as Lord- or we call him a madman- which one will you choose?

http://www.corpuschristioutreachministries.blogspot.com

VERSES- Mark 9:1 And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power. Mark 9:2 And after six days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them. Mark 9:3 And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow; so as no fuller on earth can white them. Mark 9:4 And there appeared unto them Elias with Moses: and they were talking with Jesus. Mark 9:5 And Peter answered and said to Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias. Mark 9:6 For he wist not what to say; for they were sore afraid. Mark 9:7 And there was a cloud that overshadowed them: and a voice came out of the cloud, saying, This is my beloved Son: hear him. Mark 9:8 And suddenly, when they had looked round about, they saw no man any more, save Jesus only with themselves. Mark 9:9 And as they came down from the mountain, he charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead. Mark 9:10 And they kept that saying with themselves, questioning one with another what the rising from the dead should mean. Mark 9:11 And they asked him, saying, Why say the scribes that Elias must first come? Mark 9:12 And he answered and told them, Elias verily cometh first, and restoreth all things; and how it is written of the Son of man, that he must suffer many things, and be set at nought. Mark 9:13 But I say unto you, That Elias is indeed come, and they have done unto him whatsoever they listed, as it is written of him. Mark 9:14 And when he came to his disciples, he saw a great multitude about them, and the scribes questioning with them. Mark 9:15 And straightway all the people, when they beheld him, were greatly amazed, and running to him saluted him. Mark 9:16 And he asked the scribes, What question ye with them? Mark 9:17 And one of the multitude answered and said, Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit; Mark 9:18 And wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not. Mark 9:19 He answereth him, and saith, O faithless generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him unto me. Mark 9:20 And they brought him unto him: and when he saw him, straightway the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming. Mark 9:21 And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child. Mark 9:22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us. Mark 9:23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. Mark 9:25 When Jesus saw that the people came running together, he rebuked the foul spirit, saying unto him, Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him. Mark 9:26 And the spirit cried, and rent him sore, and came out of him: and he was as one dead; insomuch that many said, He is dead. Mark 9:27 But Jesus took him by the hand, and lifted him up; and he arose. Mark 9:28 And when he was come into the house, his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out? Mark 9:29 And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. Mark 9:30 And they departed thence, and passed through Galilee; and he would not that any man should know it. Mark 9:31 For he taught his disciples, and said unto them, The Son of man is delivered into the hands of men, and they shall kill him; and after that he is killed, he shall rise the third day. Mark 9:32 But they understood not that saying, and were afraid to ask him. Mark 9:33 And he came to Capernaum: and being in the house he asked them, What was it that ye disputed among yourselves by the way? Mark 9:34 But they held their peace: for by the way they had disputed among themselves, who should be the greatest. Mark 9:35 And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:36 And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Mark 9:37 Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. Mark 9:38 And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. Mark 9:39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. Mark 9:40 For he that is not against us is on our part. Mark 9:41 For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. Mark 9:42 And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea. Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:44 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Mark 9:46 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Mark 9:48 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:49 For every one shall be salted with fire, and every sacrifice shall be salted with salt. Mark 9:50 Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another. Hebrews 11:13 These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Matthew 3:3 For this is he that was spoken of by the prophet Esaias, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Mark 1:3 The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Luke 3:4 As it is written in the book of the words of Esaias the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in thewilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations John 1:23 He said, I am the voice of one crying in thewilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord, as said the prophet Esaias. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Matthew 11:10 For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Mark 1:2 As it is written in the prophets, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Luke 7:27 This is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Mark 7:22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Mark 7:22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations 1 John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not ofthe Father, but is of the world. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations 1 Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Hebrews 12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside everyweight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: Romans 8:4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. Romans 8:6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Romans 8:7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. Romans 8:8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his. Romans 8:10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. Romans 8:11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you. Romans 8:12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh. Romans 8:13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. Romans 8:14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. Romans 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

http://www.corpuschristioutreachministries.blogspot.com https://www.facebook.com/john.chiarello.5?ref=bookmarks https://ccoutreach87.wordpress.com/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZ4GsqTEVWRm0HxQTLsifvg

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Note- Please do me a favor, those who read/like the posts- re-post them on other sites as well as the site you read them on- Thanks- John.#

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Mark 3

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[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you, 

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok, 

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider)  for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.  

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 4 “The World Doesn't Revolve Around Jaiden Hantz” Jaiden

I voted for Jonathan because I thought that's what people were doing. Ashley went home.... Jonathan called out Alex after tribal who is my ONLY ally in this game.... I did the duel and lost so now we have to go straight back to tribal after a fucked up messy vote........ do i want to be alive???????

NGRJKDLANVJKADFLNJVKAVFDNAJNVADNVJ;ANEFUBNVAUDBNFJBNAVJKBNDAVJADSNBJVADSVNJKLADVNS I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON LMFAO SHOUTOUT TO MY ROOMMATE FOR HEARING ME BE THE RUDEST I'VE EVER BEEN TO HIM! I'M SORRY RYAN! SHOUTOUT TO Ruthie/Kendall/Alex/Drew (whichever one I decided upon) for saving your life in this game an extra round. I was about to vote you out, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh I was kinda looking forward to losing this round and dedicating tonight to plotting someone's life being destroyed, but I guess winning is okay too. Now my tribe likely won't vote me out because I saved their asses because everyone was fucking PRAISING Ashton for winning last time, so now I guess I'm in the same boat, but he did his for 5 hours and I did mine for 12 minutes, but oh well. Sorry Richie, I hope you don't go home because you gave it your all! I also totally probably wouldn't have won that duel if it wasn't Survivor Trivia considering it's one of the only things in life I'm actually good at. Time to get high now :)

Why haven't they exiled Jaiden, who says that the reason the word "SOMEONE" was capitalized was because it had to be a fat person. Jaiden ur dumb bye

So after Brian was rescued and Pat sent home, I knew I might have put myself out there a little far.....so knowing that we're going to tribal again, I want to pull back the reigns and slide back into the shadows.

The three names that are coming up most often are Jonathan, Ashley, and Kage. Jonathan's name seemed the most rampant in the earlier part of the round until he came online to form a power alliance between himself, Sarah, Brian, Tommy, Junior, Jaiden, and myself. This changed the minds of the people in the alliance to targeting Ashley instead (given that she was semi-inact and on the outer)

Side-Note: Brian, Sarah, and I have an alliance so it works perfectly for us to camouflage.

And Kage, oh silly Kage, thinking that Ashley was somehow the right person to go after for his game....basically campaigned against her too despite her campaigning against Jonathan, thus helping both of them. Classic Kage.

Anyways. I was going to tell Alex about it considering I still had allegiance to him (as Junior did to Linus and Richie), but then I come to find out that he was co-leading an alliance with Kage that included the two of them, Tommy, Linus, and Ashley. Tommy claimed it had been made the first round and had halfway dissolved but thought I should know since we are so "close" and since they flipped on him in the first vote...

Now, although I'm not sure I believe it entirely yet, I didn't tell Alex about the vote going against Ashley because A) I kinda thought he knew B) In the case that Tommy is telling the truth, I don't want to be the idiot that caused a correct idol play to occur and have Jonathan go home. I can mend my bridge with Alex despite what the truth is, but I can't mend the bridge with my alliance if I were the reason one of them went home.

So although Ashley seemed like a gem, she had to go....now let's hope I can stay in the safe-zone and stay alive at our next tribal...

Kage is such a sweet guy and I know he means no harm but girl... you're going home.  It was inevitable that his target was going to be front and center and it seems like this round is his unless he pulls out an idol.  I do think that he would vote another direction, say Richie or Jonathan, but I'm not 100% sure.  He thinks it would be iconic if we went from enemies to allies, as do I, but I'm not sure if that's in my best interest.

I told Richie a lot of stuff this round so far because I want him to trust me.  We didn't have any layer of trust built up yet, so I needed to do that quick, and I think I have successfully done that.

Also, Jonathan tried to pull a big move and mentioned maybe actually targeting Richie like Kage suggested to him, but I shut that shit down real quick.  I don't think it's a good move to save someone who we could work with in the future and is trustworthy as of yet compared to someone who is a complete mess and has thrown so many names out there to be targeted. So all-in-all, I'm not playing a huge game, but I do want to toot my own horn and say that I think I'm playing this game much better now. ^~^

so yeah voted in minority and lost duel but today brian tells me that people have been saying my name for this vote so i turned up my social game and have been talking to people all day and then now tommy just confronted me saying that ashley told tommy that i told ashley that tommy was voting for ashley last night... which is complete bullshit because i didnt tell ashley shit and i was the only person to not vote her out so why the fuck would i be throwing shit around and why would she be throwing me under the bus when i was the only person on her side??? but then tommy told me that ashley told him that alex told ashley that i told alex that tommy was voting ashley... which i DID tell alex that tommy was voting ashley so thats possibly true but of course i told tommy i didnt say shit lmao and then tommy was trying to be like "so alex is the one trying to stir shit?" and i know i need to save myself but i cant throw alex under the bus to save myself because hes the only person in this game that i trust even though his stupid ass dumb fucking mouth got me in trouble in the first place but if he leaves then i'm alone and fucked anyway and i just hate everyone.....

i've been on a bit of a campaign trail trying to talk about the fact that its heroes vs villains and the hosts are going to play up the theme and keep the tribes this way for a while without a swap so keep me around because im an asset in challenges i made the flag i particiapted in the scavenger hunt and i stepped up for the duel( even though i floppped) and that im alone in the game so use me as a number im out of the loop strategically so just keep me around.... idk whats going to happen

i hope and feel like im good with brian alex junior and jaiden + myself thats 5 people and majority is 6 so if i can figure out a way to defuse and deescalate the situation and maybe just make people like me enough they dont want to vote me out i'll be able to stick around but i dont have high hopes because this tribe is a fucking mess where one name gets thrown out then everyone jumps on it and waffles back and forth for hours on what to do until its the last second and they just decide to go with the most prominent name so they keep themselves safe this is the most usless group of people ive ever seen but wish me luck!

Okay, so because Queen Jonathan wants to vote out Alex, we're apparently voting Alex out?  I don't really like this.  I really don't.  I don't have a strong relationship with Alex, but I also just don't see the necessity to make this tribe look messier and messier.  It outs a big alliance, shows Kage and Richie they're on the bottom... like... why?  And it also outs Linus as a solo man.  I really just am scared.  This move seems like too much too soon.  I don't like it.

What I told Jaiden: >>Okay my issue with this big move against Alex is not anything to do with like Alex.  I don't have a good relationship with him at all bc we don't really click, so I don't care if we send him out the door, but we're not only putting Richie, Kage, and Linus on the outs if this move works, it's outing a now obvious group.  If we just vote Kage, it's a united front.  Kage isn't going to help us and although Alex and Richie might flip in the future anyway, we're villains for a reason.  And Jonathan pushing his agenda is not making me feel any better.  I don't want to look back and be like, "Why did we let jonathan do whatever the fuck he wanted?"

Trying to figure out the game like

Also god bless Johnny and his Survivor knowledge

havent done of these in a while. so anyways, here's where i'm at. i've got a seven person alliance, i hate kage and alex, linus is suspect af, and i could probably get screwed tonight because i'm being really strategical.

tonight is the night i do NOT want to go home at, so i'm making a master plan to avoid that happening. i cracked a plan to rid this game of alex s forever, but i am almost certain that alex KNOWS about this plan and is coming for me hardcore. i blame crow or junior, maybe sarah. who knows, truly.

anyways... i told brian to vote for kage with me and hopefully richie. i'll talk to richie and be like hi pls make sure you vote for K A G E. this way, if alex has an idol, the votes at best go 3-2-1 (kage/me probs/richie) and at worst tie 3-3 (kage/me probs) and everyone else draws rocks... lmao

idk why i'm making this all about me, but the universe doesn't revolve around jaiden hantz for nothing. if i go home this fucking early after playing this fucking good... yikes.

HOWEVER: here is where the big risk comes in.

brian and i both have voted for kage. this could take the vote to 5-5-1 depending on where kage votes... which means rocks. LOL. i'm a messy bitch, this is why i'm on the villains tribe. i don't really care if we go to rocks tbh as long as its not me, brian, or tommy... because like i dont necessarily like anyone on this tribe all that much. even if it is me, that's a fucking ICONIC way to go and it's all my fault LOOOOOL. premerge king, tru!

IF this somehow happens to be the last confessional i ever write, at least i looked good writing it. i'm in such a cute position -- got people wrapped around my finger to the point where they went against their hatred of kage to do my bidding and get rid of alex. i am extremely close to people i came into this game HATING (junior and sarah for example), people i didn't even know (jonathan and brian), and people I needed to work with again (tommy and crow). not only that, but kage probably likes me. linus complimented me for being in a good position. alex... can choke idc what his opinion of me is, no offense alex!! (ur a nice guy and a good player, but GOD u intimidate the shit out of me and you have every reason to hate me). richie is aight, just quiet idk.

also, if i go home, this season was the ultimate testament to the player that i am. i take risks, big fucking risks. i have balls, and even though it's premerge, i'm not afraid to flex those muscles and pull some shit out of my ass to make things #happen. it's been fun yall! no bitterness from me here. unless i actually get voted out by the majority of the tribe, i'll rly scream then lmfao

15 minutes until tribal and im going to vomit... i feel a lot more safe now than i did earlier today but its been rough im SUCH a control freak like i want to always be in charge and know whats going on and be the one calling the shots and i know im not in that position so ive taken the back seat and turned up my social game and let everyone else do the work to save me so i wasnt putting myself in the front of the plans where it could come back on me and if it doesnt work out then im never going to forgive myself for not doing more to save myself but if i'm still here then im going to make sure that things change i'm ready to slit some metaphorical throats

*chicken voice* DAMN. I played myself! I'm like, not surprised that I went out premerge...for the fourth time... but to go out by rocks? iconic. inspiring.

other than the obvious sadness that comes with going home, i can't say that i'm really all that upset. i clearly came here to win and i was playing the type of game that could easily get me to that point, but i don't take back any of the moves i made this season... not even that one vote flip that happened. i really thought that alex had an idol! he was being really cocky last minute so i KNEW something was up... it's just disappointing to know that i couldn't have gone all the way with this this season.

my tumblr survivor story is such a mixed bag. i've had many, many failures. today is included. i didn't even make it to single digits this game, one of the most simple goals i set out for me to achieve on this attempt. while we can look at my records, my terrible placements, and all of that garbage, there is absolutely nothing that compares to the gameplay that went into this season to make things happen for me.

for once, i can say that i was not voted out early. not one person put my name down on parchment tonight, not yesterday, and not last week. i have nothing bad to say about a single person i competed against on my tribe this season (except kage sometimes), and maybe they have nothing negative to say about me, either.

i played probably the best game i've ever played in tumblr survivor. i took control, but i still listened to everyone's concerns. i calmed my anxiety from causing me to lose control of the situation. not once did i personally attack a person this season (sad to admit that this is a record for me). but most of all... i'm walking out of here, eleven days later, a changed person. now i know that i have the ability to play well, the doors are wide open for me.

i leave japan with a considerable amount of lessons learned in such a short amount of time. i leave with the strongest friendships i've ever had, new and old. but most of all? i leave overwhelming proud of the change i set forth within myself. i came here a villain and i'd like to say i'm leaving a hero. nothing can take away from the experiences i've had in this milestone game... i am so happy i did this.

[s0020255a2film-blog]

Post J-Initial Ideas

Macro elements:

In terms of narrative, I will be linking all of my chosen focal films and creating my own film with small areas of my focal films. For example, I would like to use the idea of an outcast- I would like my protagonist to seem to have a boring life, and to not seem to have many friends, when in reality it is quite the opposite. I feel that this is an effective technique because it adheres to the stereotype of “don’t judge a book by its cover”. I am going to utilise most of the aspects of Todorov’s equilibrium (stages 1, 2, 3 and 4) because Tim Burton also tends to adhere to these, however, in stage 5 of the equilibrium, I am going to have a resolution, but it will not be a happy resolution, as this is also something that Tim Burton tends to do throughout his films, particularly the ones that I have chosen to focus on. The narrative in my film will be predominantly linear, because this is how Tim Burton tends to structure his films. I will not be adhering to Prop’s character types very much, as Tim Burton tends to stray away from this. I am going to be using the character types of the villain and the heroine, however, the heroine in my short film will have to save herself from the villain, rather than the hero being a separate character. I am planning to have a voice over of a monologue from my protagonist at one point, however, I am not sure how this would work when it came to editing my film together, and I am not sure when it would fit in. 

In regards to themes, I am going to focus on the idea of ‘man vs himself’ with my protagonist. As I have previously said, my heroine will have to save herself from her abusive relationship, however, she is conflicted with herself because she feels that she loves him, and she does not have many friends, and therefore constantly has to play ‘Devil’s advocate’. 

When it comes to representation, I am trying to portray the representation of ‘escape’ in a way that is coherent and understandable, whilst still not being the main motif of the film. I am doing this because this is something that is prominent in Tim Burton films, particularly the ones that I have chosen to focus on. I have chosen to conform to the stereotype of the antagonist being a male because I feel that it would have the largest effect on my audience. I feel that because the male in my film is going to be abusing his girlfriend, it is a representation that is widely stereotyped. I would like to create contrasting film to this one, and have the gender roles reversed, as I feel that this would also have a large effect on the audience. 

I would like my audience to take away a variety of different messages from my film, my main message would be that abusive relationships can have an incredibly negative effect on a person, and that if there is somebody in my audience that would relate to this, I would like them to seek help. There are a number of people in my life that have been through something similar to the concept in my film, and I feel that it would have helped them by seeing something similar to this.

My film will be influenced by the style of Tim Burton, who has been influenced by a variety of different directors throughout his life, and his films are largely influenced by German Expressionism. German Expressionism is prominent in many of Tim Burton’s films, particularly the idea of playing on size and using shadows. This is something that is shown in films such as Metropolis (Fritz Lang: 1927). Burton’s play on size and shadows is something that I am going to utilise in my short film as I feel that it is an incredibly effective technique. 

In terms of authorship, I am the most influenced by the screenwriters of my chosen focal films. This is something that I have tried to reflect when writing my own short film, because I have tried to use the same narrative structure and the same themes within my film. I have also been influenced by the cinematographer as I am going to try and make use of some similar shots that are in my focal films. 

Micro technical elements:

In terms of cinematography, I am going to use a lot of similar camera angles and techniques as the ones that Tim Burton has chosen to use in my chosen focal films. For example, I am going to use canted angles because it is a camera angle that Tim Burton tends to use, and I feel that this will help my audience to make the connection as to who my chosen director was. I would also like to use tracks and pans because this is also a technique that Tim Burton tends to sue, and I feel that it effective. In addition to this, I will also use lighting in a way that gives my film a dark atmosphere and is effective in achieving my messages and values. Tim Burton plays with lighting incredibly well, and it has an immense effect on the audience. 

In regards to mise en scene, I am going to use a variety of different techniques that will portray my messages and values in the most effective way possible. For example, I am going to film the happy parts of my film outside, and the sad/distressing parts of my film indoors. I feel that this will be effective because it will be clear to the audience that a bad scene is coming if my characters are indoors. This is also something that Tim Burton uses in a way, for example, in Alice in Wonderland, Burton uses colours and location to signify the difference between fantasy and reality. I am going to use costume in a way that signifies the difference between my two characters, and that represents the moods that both the protagonist and antagonist are in. I have played on size when it came to casting, as this is something that Tim Burton tends to do. When it came to casting roles for my film, I wanted to have my antagonist be a tall male, and therefore intimidating. I wanted to have my protagonist to be a relatively short female, so that in contrast to the male, they seemed to be towered over. I am going to keep the colours of my set relatively dull, as I feel that this will aid my film in terms of creating a negative atmosphere. 

When it comes to editing, I am going to try and make my short film run as smoothly as I possibly can. I am going to use several different editing techniques that will be effective in portraying my key messages and values. For example, I am planning to use the idea of the ‘voices inside of your head’ and physicalise it. I am going to do this by filming several people in front of a green screen and edit it so that all we can see is their faces. I will put the heads of these characters in the background of a shot of my protagonist, and have their voices represent the voices inside of my protagonist’s head. I feel that this would be effective because it makes the film non-naturalistic, which is something that Tim Burton would do. 

I would like to use examples of both diegetic and non-diegetic sounds as this is something that Tim Burton does. I would also like to exaggerate the diegetic sounds that I am going to use (e.g. if a door slams, make the sound of it appear louder than it actually is). The reason that I would do this is because I feel that it is a subtle but effective technique to use when trying to disassociate a scene with reality. I have also thought about using a voice-over during my short film, however, I do not know where I would put it. I feel that it would be effective and help my audience to make the association with my film and my chosen focal films depending on how I went about it, however, I do not know if it would fit in my script. 

Character profile:

Name: Billie

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Occupation: Unemployed

What do they look like?: She is relatively short, has long brown hair and brown eyes. 

What do they say/do to show their personality?: She is relatively quiet and keeps to herself, she tends to only listen to herself because she does not trust other people and her boyfriend stops her from seeing her friends regularly. 

What lesson do they learn?: To listen to their friends and family. 

Name: Aaron

Age:19

Gender: Male

Occupation: N/A.

What do they look like?: He is tall, and has blonde hair and blue eyes.

What do they say/do to show their personality?: He is very overpowering as a person and tends to be aggressive both vocally and physically. 

What lesson do they learn?: They do not learn a lesson.