#also remember i think in Australia too the man who just wandered off and ended up dead?

[the-acid-pear]

Just saw a video called "disturbing unsolved mysteries with little evidence" and honestly the concept sounds kind of lame. How about disturbing unsolved mysteries with A LOT of evidence? Now that'd be way more compelling.

[queenshelby]

A New Life

Part Four: A Day at the Zoo

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 2,790

Warning: Fluff, Self-Esteem Issues, Body Image Issues

The following morning, Cillian picked you and Max up from your house at 8 o’clock after having borrowed a car seat from Cian.

‘Thank you for taking us to the Zoo, Cillian’ Max said excitedly as Cillian helped him into his seat.

‘That’s alright buddy’ Cillian said and you couldn’t help but be a little bit excited. Whilst you never liked going to the Zoo, you liked the fact that you and Max got to spend the day with Cillian.

He had a fantastic sense of humour and Max really seemed to like him which put you at ease quite significantly.

After Max and you sat down in the car, Cillian opened two of the windows slightly and told you that he had put some sickie bags and wet wipes into the glove box for Max just in case you needed them. Another thing he remembered was that Max often got car sick and he certainly didn’t seem to be bothered by it. In fact, he was quite well prepared.

To your surprise, Max did well in the car and was fascinated with some of the gadgets, including the TV screens in the back.

‘Made it without Max getting sick. That’s new. Thank you for taking it easy around the corners’ you said, causing Cillian to laugh.

‘You are welcome’ Cillian said before helping Max out of the car and picking up his plush bunny toy which had fallen to the floor.

‘That’s one well loved rabbit’ Cillian observed as he looked at the rather old and half destroyed fluffy toy and you explained to him that Max had this bunny since he’s been a baby. In fact, Cian had bought it for him when you were still pregnant with Max.

***

After twenty minutes, two cinnamon donuts and a take away coffee, you finally arrived at the tiger enclosure.

‘I can’t see, I can’t see’ Max said somewhat disappointed as the tiger was roaming around from the left to the right and he was simply too small to look over the larger children in front of him.

‘Sweetie, you are too heavy for me to pick up’ you said as Max pulled on your t-shirt and began to pout.

‘I can put him up on my shoulders if you want’ Cillian suggested, ensuring that you would be okay with it before saying anything to Max.

Of course, you had no objections and Max was quick to climb onto Cillian’s shoulders so that he could see the tiger, still walking from the left to the right and roaming around his enclosure.

‘Max, careful!’ you said worryingly as he was clinging onto Cillian’s hair but Cillian didn’t seem to mind.

Taking you by the hand for a brief second to pull through the crowds, Cillian moved over to the left slightly to give Max a better view and you followed him while watching Max smile with excitement.

‘Have you counted how many stripes he’s got?’ Cillian then asked your son.

‘Too many for me to count Cillian’ Max laughed before Cillian told him about the tiger, reading from the sign in front of him and asking Max questions in order to keep him engaged.

You were truly surprised how well Cillian and Max were getting on and how patient and engaging Cillian was with him.

‘Elephants next?’ Cillian asked as, eventually, the tiger went into his little cave for a rest and Max nodded.

Without Max getting down from Cillian’s shoulders, you both walked towards the Elephant enclosure.

‘Can you tell me what sounds an elephant makes?’ Cillian asked and, when Max and Cillian both pretended to be elephants, you couldn’t help but laugh.

The entire day was a blast and, for the first time in a long while, you and Max both felt comfortable being around someone new. It felt like you both had known Cillian for a long time and you were quite impressed by his character.

‘What a lovely family’ you then heard all of a sudden as one elderly women in the crowd walked past you and, whilst Cillian wanted to correct her, you simply said ‘thanks’ and laughed.

***

After your day at the zoo, Max fell asleep in the car fairly quickly and whilst you were keen to take up Cillian’s offer to have dinner in town, you didn’t think that Max would be up for it. He had a big day.

‘I am not sure if Max is up for dinner in town. He’s tuckered out completely’ you said, looking back towards him.

‘I figured that he would be tired after all this walking around’ Cillian chuckled ‘But, if you want to, I can cook something at your house instead and we can watch a movie with Max’ Cillian offered.

‘You can cook?’ you asked since no man had ever cooked for you before.

‘You seem surprised’ Cillian observed, causing you to laugh and nod before accepting his offer.

‘I suppose spaghetti would be winner, right?’ Cillian then asked and you nodded again before asking a question which you have been pondering on about for the entire day.

‘You are so good with Max. How come you never had children?’ you asked before telling Cillian that he didn’t have to answer this question if he didn’t want to.

‘My ex-wife never wanted children and I had to accept that I suppose’ Cillian explained.

‘How long were you married for?’ you then asked.

‘Ten years. But we were together for fifteen. I had one relationship after that, but it was a disaster’ Cillian chuckled and you talked about his marriage and why it ended before Cillian carefully and quietly asked about Max’s father.

You told Cillian that he had died in a car accident when Max was only two years old and that Max didn’t remember much about him.

‘We had our differences but were determined to make it work for Max. We were high school sweethearts and met when we were 16’ you explained, thinking back to all the irrational choices you made in the past.

***

An hour later, you arrived at your apartment following a small detour to the local supermarket.

‘Cillian is making us spaghetti’ you said to Max while you helped unpack the grocery bags.

‘It’s my favourite. Can I have lots of cheese please?’ Max then asked and, of course, you nodded before telling him to play in his room while you were going to help with the food.

Cillian pre-prepared the food for later with your help before you all sat down together and watched a cartoon movie which almost sent Cillian to sleep. His eyes kept shutting closed as he leaned against the large cushion on the L-shaped lounge and you had to give him a nudge now and then to make him stay awake.

Luckily, Max lost interest in the movie after thirty minutes and asked Cillian whether he wanted to see his dinosaur collection.

Sure enough, Cillian was very interested in dinosaurs and, after they managed to give each of the toys a name, you played two games of UNO before serving dinner.

‘This is much better than mum’s spaghetti’ Max observed, causing you to pout and Cillian to apologise.

‘It is pretty good’ you observed before thanking Cillian for cooking and taking you both to the zoo.

‘We had a fantastic day, didn’t we Max?’ you said and Max nodded and yawned at the same time.

***

‘I probably should drive home soon’ Cillian said after you cleaned up the dishes and Max had changed himself into his pyjamas.

‘Do you want to stay for a wine and watch a more interesting movie after I put Max to bed?’ you then quickly asked, hoping that you wouldn’t sound too desperate.

‘I suppose I could leave the car here and pick it up tomorrow’ Cillian then said, not intending to drink and drive and you nodded in agreement.

Cillian’s house was only 20 minutes by foot from your apartment and he could easily call a taxi or sleep on your lounge if he didn’t want to walk.

‘Can Cillian read me a bedtime story then?’ Max asked, clearly having overheard your conversation.

‘If that’s alright with your mum, I sure can’ Cillian offered which prompted Max to quickly find a book and his favourite bunny toy.

Listening to Cillian read a bedtime story to Max made your heart melt once again. Not only did you think that Cillian was an incredibly kind person who was good with children, but also was he rather attractive.

Quite to your surprise, you adored the small wrinkles around his eyes and the few grey hairs on his head as his hair was growing out on the sides.

Then, of course, there were those deep blue eyes and razor-sharp cheek bones and you wondered what your mind was doing to you, feeling some sort of attraction towards a man who was clearly much older than you.

***

‘Thank you for reading to him’ you said when Cillian came back into the living and you tugged Max into bed and gave him a goodnight kiss.

‘That’s perfectly fine Y/N’ Cillian assured you before sitting down while you poured two glasses of red wine.

‘So what are we watching?’ he asked and you suggested to put something on which has him in it after Cian told you that one of Cillian’s shows was on Netflix.

You had only just signed up to Netflix when you came to Ireland as, frankly, working on TV made you less interested in watching it during your spare time but, now that you were taking some time off after having resigned as a host from one of Australia’s design shows after your ex’s constant publicly stunts, this has changed.

You hadn’t seen any of Cillian’s work yet and you certainly didn’t know much about him. Unlike he did with you, you haven’t resorted to Google yet to find out more, wanting to paint your own picture about him and not being influenced by media.

‘Absolutely not. I hate watching myself’ Cillian chuckled before suggesting a different movie on Netflix. His comment made you laugh.

‘I get that. I hate watching myself too’ you chuckled and, after he turned on the movie, it didn’t take you long to get comfortable together on your small sofa and you quite enjoyed sitting so closely next to him.

As you were sitting next to him, you couldn’t help but notice the scent of his aftershave which was musky but yet fresh and sporty. Glancing over towards him without him noticing, you quickly got mesmerised with his freckled skin and you couldn’t help your eyes from wandering further down, observing his neck and the small area of exposed skin above the neckline of his t-shirt.

Clearly, he had a little bit of chest hair. Or was it a lot? You were curious as you thought that, the way it extended above the neckline of his t-shirt looked quite sexy.

Your fixation on Cillian’s skin and scent, however, soon came to an end when you received a text message from one of your closest friends in Australia.

In her text message, she linked an article from an Australian tabloid and, whilst you knew that you should probably ignore it, you couldn’t help but click on the link.

When you opened the link you couldn’t believe your eyes. Clearly, your ex-partner had shared your last holiday pictures to a water theme park in Australia’s Northern Territory and they were far from flattering.

Cillian immediately noticed that something was wrong and paused the movie before asking you whether you were alright as tears had built up in your eyes.

‘My ex is making my life miserable’ you huffed out before telling Cillian about the unflattering pictures and comments from the tabloids.

According to the online magazine you should have chosen your outfit better to hide your scars and the publisher criticised that you were hosting a design show while, according to him, you obviously didn’t care much about your own appearances.

‘Can I see?’ Cillian asked and, whilst you were almost ashamed to show him, you did, knowing that it was on the world wide web anyway.

You saw Cillian’s eyebrows rise as he read through the article before, suddenly, he started laughing.

‘What an eejit’ he chuckled and you looked at him somewhat confused.

‘Irish for idiot’ Cillian clarified before carrying on. ‘Look, these people obviously have nothing better to do than to criticise humans for being human. You wore a bikini on a water slide. Seems logical to me. I mean what else would you wear when you visit a water park in a country where it’s so fucking hot?’ Cillian said, handing you back your phone.

‘That’s not the point Cillian. My ex knows how self-conscious I am. He continuously used to put me down and, ever since my emergency c-section when I had Max, I have been trying very hard to hide my body. Obviously, I was right to do so. I mean look at this shit now’ you said rather upset.

‘Y/N, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You are a very attractive woman and any man out there would be lucky to have you. Despite, from what I just saw, there is nothing wrong with your body. You are stunning. You’ve got a few scars, so what?’ Cillian said reassuringly while taking your hands into his.

‘And a little baby weight I never managed to get rid of’ you chuckled and, whilst you knew it wasn’t really a big deal, you felt as though, being in the public eye required you to look perfect at all times.

‘You are perfect Y/N. You really cannot let this stuff get to you and you should tell your friend not to bother sending these things to you either’ Cillian said, knowing very well what reading bad press feels like.

‘So, you actually don’t care when you read something bad about yourself?’ you asked, not realising how much press Cillian had to deal with in comparison to you.

‘I gave up caring about twenty years ago’ Cillian chuckled. ‘You should too. It feels better that way’ he then said and you couldn’t agree more. You knew you had to care less but, the truth was, you had realised that this life wasn’t for you.

‘That’s why I gave up TV and advertising. I just want to concentrate on writing and the other things I’ve been working on’ you explained before changing the topic to something more pleasant which was your upcoming theatre date and trip to Kerry.

When you mentioned your upcoming trip to Kerry, Cillian told you that Cian invited him and Laura as well and you couldn’t help but laugh.

‘So, Laura…do you like her?’ you asked.

‘She is nice I guess. But, I honestly am not interested in a relationship or dating right now’ Cillian told you before advising you that he would have to head home soon. He had an early start.

***

By the time Cillian had left it was already 9 o ‘clock and you decided to have a bath and then head into bed as well.

For a minute or two, you pondered on about the article that had been published in Australia but, then, you remembered Cillian’s words. You had to ignore them.

Instead of dwelling on about them, you felt as though you wanted to know a little more about Cillian. Until this point, you had refused to google him but you realised that you didn’t even know his surname nor did you know how old he was and you certainly didn’t want to sound weird, asking him or Cian those things.

You tried your luck putting the words ‘Cillian’, ‘Actor’ and ‘Irish’ into the search tab as, surely, there couldn’t be too many actors with his name out there.

To your surprise, his name and pictures of him popped up immediately. You didn’t have to do much investigation and you were quite shocked to see his extensive filmography.

Even more so, you were surprised by the fact that he had just recently turned 45.

‘How the fuck can this man be 45 already?’ you asked yourself silently and couldn’t help yourself flicking through the many pictures.

Going through them one by one, you realised again how handsome he was and whilst you were certainly attracted to him, the fact that he was rather famous turned you off and made it much easier for you to turn off your attraction towards him. At least so you thought.

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[studentville-struggles]

A Double Life

Chapter 4!

A self-indulgent Daniel Ricciardo fic.

Summary: Returning to old passions results in the start of chaos and living a double life. We say we hate chaos, but the thrill is unlike anything else.

Words: 1,709

Masterlist // Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

You may have been young but that did not mean a FIA gala wouldn’t result in a two day hangover. God bless past Rachel for booking the day after off. You couldn't actually communicate appropriately just how crap you were feeling and your film crew were loving it. They may not have been able to go into the gala with you but they did get to do a good before and after comparison. Unfortunately for you, you had to return to the lab on the second day of your hangover and your office mates were oh so giddy at calling out how deathly you looked.  

Despite the severity of your hangover, you could remember a surprising amount of the night. Although, you did wake up with a mysterious number texting you and didn’t remember giving it away so that might have been a lie.  

You remembered dancing with teammates new an old. You remembered collecting your award. You remember telling Lewis, Daniel looked fit as fuck. Oh shit. Damn that free wine. You remembered Lewis dragging you over to chat to Daniel and Max, disappearing as soon as you were chatting.  

You remembered rolling your eyes at something Daniel said, you remembered him taking your hand to twirl you around in your dress, complimenting the style. You remembered laughing. You remembered thinking he wasn’t a dick. You remembered him walking you to your taxi. You weren’t sure, however, how accurate your memory was of the feeling of his lips on your cheek as he said goodnight.  

What the hell happened and where the fuck was Lewis.  

Other than the whole Daniel fiasco, the night had been possibly the best of your life. Your friends in F2 were buzzing with team mix ups and a couple of you progressing up. The people you knew in F1 were lovely and very complimentary of your season. So many people were congratulating you on your new contract that you could barely stop smiling from thinking of the season to come.  

Dancing for hours on end, everyone seemed to be happy. The feeling of being overwhelmingly happy, nothing but joy and laughter, was one would could never forget.

However, despite the remaining headache to remind you of the night, you were back in reality, roasting in your lab. Happy with the explanation that you'd ‘had a big night’, your lab-mates were happy to joke and poke fun at your mis-fortune. With your office being on the 9th floor, and your lab on the 11th, it was always on the warmer side of things. You could definitely testify that a loud, warm environment was not where you wanted to be when you were hungover.

A couple of weeks after the gala you were fully into your newest off-season training programme, but with all the other drivers not having the limitations of a second job, they were feeling far more social than usual. There were more texts, more twitch streams, more fun. You were, however, in your final year of your PhD, drowning in lab work and data that needed analysing. You didn’t know if you could handle any more stress and yet life was continuously saying ‘lol sure’.  

Seeing the lighter side of your friends in the driving world was nice. You couldn’t wait to have that freedom after your PhD. You loved it, you truly did. You loved science; you loved the methodical nature of it, you loved the sample preparation – no matter how much you complained about do it. It was wonderful, but you knew your heart was truly in driving and you couldn’t keep up doing both. It was slowly taking its toll, you knew that. Burn out was inevitable really.

One more year. You just had to do one more year, and a little more because let's face it you were going to run over time on this... you worked three days a week instead of five or seven.  

Lewis was becoming an evermore important person to lean on and learn from. The odd weekend you spend with him when he was on his uncle duties brought you so much joy and reminded you of the need to spend time with family and friends and keep a social life.  

Sitting down with Lewis, one of the rarer times you allowed your mentor times to be filmed, you sunk down into the sofa and got comfy. You may have been in a reality show but the illusion that every waking moment is filmed, is in some cases, well an illusion. You hadn’t planned anything for this meeting so you had assumed this would be a more personal one. Though you couldn’t quite have imagined just how personal.  

“Heard you had a rough couple of days after the gala” You scowled at him

“You would know, you facetimed me every other hour to laugh at me.”  

Lewis had found your exceptional hangover hilarious. You did not appreciate that. Although now you were no longer hungover you could definitely see the funny side of things.  

The two of you sat and discussed your various plans for the off season; what family time you had planned and when you were hoping to go travelling and where. With the first race of the year being in Australia, you couldn’t wait to get out there and explore, as well as acclimatising as much as possible to give yourself the best possible start.

Somewhere deep in the back of your mind was a niggling thought, a small suggestion of ‘what if you bumped into Daniel when you were out there?’. You pushed that right back down as soon as it reared its head. There was no way you’d bump into anyway – Australlia is bloody massive! Also why Daniel? Ricciardo and yourself had only spoken a handful of times since the gala, although to conceded he was only a little bit of an arse now.  

Almost as if he could read your mind, Lewis dived right into the ‘any boys’ line of questioning.  

“I don’t exactly have time for a relationship right now; between the training, race prep and all my lab work I have to catch up on” You explained, a small amount of panic starting to rise as you began remembering all the work you have planned, papers your supervisor wants written.

As Lewis began shaking his head at you, a notification popped up on your phone.

“Heard you’re heading to Oz early.” Dan’s message caught you off guard. You’d only very loosely planned things with your family about travelling out. Although almost as soon as you’d finished reading a strange warm feeling was making itself known, a little lopsided smile gracing your cheeks.  

“What’s got you grinning like a school girl?” Lewis asked, leaning over to try and get a glimpse of your screen.  

“Nothing!” You locked your phone and tucked it under your legs, a guilty grin now facing Lewis.

Perhaps you wouldn’t have to bump into him after all.  

You didn’t know what was going through your head but you didn’t like it. You couldn’t be getting warm non usual feelings for anyone that was a competitor. Friendships were good, we liked those, until you sort through weird drunk gala memories, you were not okay with the weirdness stirring within.

After heading home a couple of hours later, you lay in the darkness of your room, tucked under the safety of your sheets, finding yourself texting back the one person who might cause you trouble this next year.  

Arguably the most intense and important year of your life, and what were you doing? Adding to the chaos.  

You did say you lived for the drama. All you would have to do is wait for the end of the off-season and see what Australia would bring for you.  

Australia brought a lot. Mostly heat, but a lot of other stuff too.

Australia was a stunning country, and having a local tour guide definitely helped. You knew how important family time was for Daniel when it was off-season, it was the worst kept season in F1. He very graciously offered to be your tour guide for the couple of days that you were spending exploring Perth.  

He took you around the local spots; the best shopping, the best food, the best bars and the best beaches. You couldn’t deny that there was a definite friendship blossoming between the two of you. Things just seemed to click, it was easy now.

Getting back into the paddock was a feeling you could never describe. It was relief, excitement, joy, nerves, it was a mix of everything. It was like a switch was flipped in your mind. You could feel the buzz of being back in the car again rushing through your veins.  

Although first; media.  

Being your rookie season, there was a lot of attention on you and what you could produce. A lot of people were excited by your arrival back on the racing scene. Some were pissed beyond belief. Some hated the fact you were a woman in F1; how dare you take a man's seat in this sport. It was safe to say a lot of people were expecting, if not hoping, you would fail and fail fast.  

Thankfully a good majority of the fans you met were lovely and put a huge grin on your face. Cheeks almost hurting from all the smiling you were doing.  

your favourite interview was with Sky Sports F1, a bit more informal as you were wandering around the paddock towards the end of thursday. It was just fun. They chatted about your comeback, how you seemed to be dominating everything you tried; they chatted about your budding friendship with Max and Lando on twitch; the importance of having a mentor like Lewis. It was everything you wanted in an interview. The last question you found the best.

“How are you finding the new media world and increased interviews. Does it feel weird having all the cameras around now?” You couldn’t help but smile. You turned ever so slightly and pointed off to the side where you could see some of your production team for the tv show.

“My life is already filmed 24/7; I am very used to it.”

[todragonsart]

Oasis

This is my Art-trade piece from November I totally didn’t have time to post here yet :’DDD <3 It’s written for the lovliest Cero! I knew she enjoyed it, haha. 

About 16 pages of Maverick/Nomad, it’s sweet, I swear! <3 Hope you enjoy!

Erik Thorn struggled with sleeping for most of his life. His problem wasn’t insomnia, or some mental illness, it was just his brain functioning as it did. Starting from a very young age, most of his nights were one of these two: either sleepless tossing and turning, or strange dreams about emotions, colorful storms and a few times even nightmares. It would have been strange or even scary for anybody else, but for Erik, it was just… life.

During the day, his brain was working on high; during the night, it needed a fast and efficient way to store all the information he received - and for a boy who was barely allowed to leave his backyard, the amount of input was- surprising. Being homeschooled for most of his childhood, never having a chance to explore, make friends or just learn to climb a tree- it was not an easy way of living for a kid, especially when the child in question was energetic and interested in everything.

Being closed in and supervised, shielded from even the wind with such a lack of stimulus would have made any grown up go crazy. Having all the time in the world, and still nothing to do, no way to process, could push the brain into overdrive; and in order to protect one’s sanity, the mind would try to tire itself - mainly with asking every question, or opening every trauma; thinking about things a normal person doesn’t have time to think about on a regular day.

Experiencing something similar for just a few months made adults develop depression and other issues, so it was expected that a child would not be able to bear with years and years of the same cabin fever. But Erik - being as resourceful as he was - developed a way to manage. Instead of trying to escape his prison all the time, he decided to store these desires in his heart for later use. He was a smart boy and he knew more than enough that his parents wouldn’t be able to shield him for all his life, so he turned to learning. And by learning, he meant books, and by books, he meant all the books he could put his hands on, not caring if it was about tales, science, culture, languages, geography, animals or history - he wanted to read all.

And since he had all the time in the world, with nothing to do, he did indeed read all the magazines, plays and books he could reach. When other children were hanging out in school, he was reading about space and stars. When boys his age were playing hide and seek on the streets, he learnt about ancient Greece; and when they were making friends, he was making plans. After all his parents were able to keep his body in one place, but they had no power over his mind wandering to the fantastic castles of Russia, the beautiful seas of Australia or the endless deserts of Africa.

Books gave him so much inner freedom he was able to completely shut out the fact that he had never experienced a true childhood, and he was happy. At the age of 15, instead of chasing girls like a normal boy would, he spent his days reading and learning about everything, and during the night he lied restlessly, dreaming about the places he wanted to visit, things he wanted to see, goals he wanted to achieve. The images were so vivid in his head, he sometimes thought he could just reach and touch them.

He read all about the wonders of the world and, while patiently waiting for his turn to decide, he planned fantastic journeys to places his parents would never even dream about. He locked all these desires deep into his heart until he finally became old enough to choose his own path, and by the time he got asked ‘What do you want to do with your life’ he already had an answer ready.

He knew his parents wanted to keep him safe, that they wished him to become a lawyer, stay close to them, have a peaceful career, with a silent family of his own and die after a long, successful and very boring life - so of course he did the exact opposite!

Signing up to military training was his way to rebel, and soon he discovered that it was the best decision he ever made.

By the age of 25 he was able to travel to countless countries and cities with the army. Becoming an Intelligence Officer was the most suitable for his abilities and desires, and after learning Dari and ending up in Afghanistan he finally - for the first time in his life - found his place and purpose. For a while. He had all the time in the world to explore the colorful culture, the traditions, the good and also the bad sides of Kabul, and he fell in love with the city in no time. He could say that he was finally living all his dreams, but Erik still struggled with sleeping.

He was busy with all the work, all the information, all the responsibility day after day, yet it was just not enough for his brain to get tired - or this time maybe it was too much. During his childhood, the lack of input kept him awake; when he was a teenager, the fantastic future was not letting him have his rest. And when he was just fulfilling the dreams he always had, working for greater good and helping others and living in a different country, it turned out to be a bit too much to handle. It was without a doubt pretty ironic.

As the situation in Kabul grew more and more tense, he got less and less sleep. He needed to work 48-72 hours in one go, and when he finally had a few hours of peace, he fainted. It was sleep, but not rest. Both his mind and his body were strained to their limits, and as the tension collapsed in the city, so did he. He arrived at a crossroad, and in order to survive, he took the harder path and cut every connection that tied him to the outer world.

After he escaped Kabul for the first time in 8 years of active service, he felt- hopeless. Lost. Weak.

Relieved.

Relieved?

Relieved like a man who just cut all the chains that held him down would be. For the first time in his life, he had nobody to tell him what to do. No parents, no commanders, no nothing. When this realisation washed over him, he felt exhausted and energetic at the same time.

For a few days, he had been wandering close to Kabul to see if anybody would come after him, but when nobody arrived after two weeks, he understood the gift that fell into his lap.

It wasn’t simply about shaking all the chains of command off himself, but it was true and total freedom. He had the power to forget his original culture, his ways of living, his career, his belongings and even his name. He got the chance to peel every layer of paint, and start with a blank, white canvas if he wanted- and oh he wanted! He wanted to escape from his previous life.

The next day the first thing he did was to sell every item he owned, even his watch. He got so drunk on the newly discovered freedom, he allowed himself to get lost in time as well. With nothing but the money he got, a small backpack and water, he started his aimless journey around the country, and for two whole years, he didn’t even look back. Without doubt, that was the happiest time of his life… or so he thought.

He spent his days wandering from town to town, exploring more and more of the rigid beauty of Afghanistan. He was living from one day to another: when he found work, he got paid, when he gambled, he lost his money, and when he couldn’t find any food, he didn’t eat. All of his previous life experiences were stripped off him, and he became a man whose only purpose was to satisfy his needs. He fought for food, water and shelter, like an animal, and it was just such an easy way of living for him that he was able to shut his brain out for a while and live for the moment.

During his second year of complete isolation, he travelled through the Dasht-e Margo desert in order to get to Lashkargah for his next Buzkashi tournament. Crossing the endless sands on foot was a challenge on its own, and he wanted to try it for so long now.

Before he started his journey, he planned his route and scheduled in a few extra days as well. He wanted to allow himself the luxury of getting lost. He packed all the water he could and got on his foot to conquer the grim dunes of The Desert of Death .

As he arrived at the Dasht-e Margo, he allowed himself a minute of silent appreciation. He knew that it was one of the deadliest deserts of the globe, and he knew that he needed to respect it. He felt that if he could cross these sands without getting lost or going insane, he could do anything, so he set foot in the desert, having no idea about the way it would change him.

The first day and night went as peacefully as possible, but the next morning he discovered a very important factor: There was nobody here to talk to . He was completely alone, with nothing but the sea of burning sand under his feet, the september sun on the sky and his own thoughts. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he only had his mind as company, and getting deeper into the desert, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to open Pandora’s box, yet it was too late to turn back now.

By the second night came the realisation of the parallel between his childhood and this desert. His body might have not been confined in a house, but wherever he turned there was nothing except the sand and the sun. It was a physical jail in a form, with his mind having all the time to think - and as a good cabin fever worked, soon he started to ask every question, open every trauma and think about the things he didn’t have time to think about in one and a half years.

By the third day, he opened up every shut door in his soul, and gave himself into the unspeakable amount of remorse he felt for his parents and the army. He knew that he was being selfish when he cut his ties, and truth to be told, he missed his previous life. He knew that everybody thought he was dead, and he didn’t go back to tell them otherwise. He simply didn’t want to. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to do whatever he wished for, so he just did that without thinking twice. He lied to himself that it was for his survival, but it really wasn’t. He just saw the opportunity to disappear from the radars, and he took it.

He allowed himself to be dead, because death meant free from the burdens, but it also meant being free from all the good he had in his life, the things he missed! For example, he missed his friends from the army, he missed calling his father on a silent sunday evening, and he missed having people ready to catch him if he was falling. He missed being alive.

Four days into the desert, he felt the worst he had ever felt in 33 years. His body was burning, his heart was breaking, his mind was ready to shut down. He couldn’t shake the memory of his own betrayal out of his head, no matter how he tried. Even worse, every time he closed his eyes, he could imagine the worried face of his father, and the tears of his mother as his colonel told them he disappeared. He knew he needed to go back, but still wasn’t ready to accept his failure.

On day five, he couldn’t take a step. He just sat for hours, looking into the mirages the sun created, thinking about his decisions, and where he turned wrong. He shouldn’t have left Kabul, he shouldn’t have learned Dari, he shouldn’t have signed up for military training. He should have stayed home, to not disappoint his family like this. He should have listened to his parents.

The sixth morning came with a short rain, and he just stood there, eyes closed, shoulders dropped as the water was sinking into his hair, beard and clothes. It was a perfect match to his also cloudy mood. He felt like the worst shit the world has ever seen. He planted his face into his hands and let himself be weak for just a second, the rain was there to hide the pain anyway.

He didn’t know where to turn or what he wanted from life anymore. He was ready to give up. The Desert of Death was getting the best of him, yet his legs were still moving, his lungs still filled with air, and his heart still pumped blood. He felt like dying, yet he kept going on, for reasons unknown.

On the seventh evening, he reached both the breaking point and the oasis. He felt the same when he escaped Kabul, only this time, it was all his fault. All the betrayal, all the pain, all the selfish decisions were on him, there was nobody else to blame.

He dropped his bag in the sand and, collapsing next to the shallow waters of the oasis, he simply pushed his head under in an attempt to calm his storming mind. Since he was here, in the oasis, he got less and less rest, and by this point, his whole body trembled with every step he took. He wasn’t even sure if he would be able to cross the desert anymore.

He pulled his head out of the water, taking big gulps of air and he just stared at the small waves he created. He wanted to fix it. He wanted to fix everything. He took a deep breath, and lied on the ground, turning towards the sky. The sun was just about to set, he could already see the first stars of the night.

He kicked his boots down, and pushed his burning legs into the chilly water, waiting in silence as the last rays of the sun disappeared. He wanted to fix it, yet he wanted the freedom. How would the two of these meet..? How could he make it work?

He knew that he needed to go back, he didn’t know how, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. But how would he still keep his independence? How would he still travel and live his dreams? He didn’t want to be stuck in the same place for eight years without change. He was still in love with Kabul, he could imagine himself living there, but not as an intelligence officer, just a native. He still wanted to travel, and explore and live his life.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He needed to solve this somehow.

He needed to let go of everything one more time, and start with a blank canvas yet again, but this time, he needed to make it good. This time, he needed to make his decisions based on his happiness, not out of rebellion or fear. He needed to keep himself and his well being in the focus, while still satisfying others.

He took a deep breath, wiggled his cooling toes and slowly, opened his eyes, to be greeted by the clearest night sky ever seen. When he was a child, and he read about space, he always wished to see the stars and the Milky Way in person, and now that he was here, he simply didn’t know how on Earth did he miss this until now?! What a fool he was.

Watching more and more stars lit up, one after another, he suddenly felt small… insignificant. His problems were gone as he was drinking up the fascinating view.

After a week of feeling down and tense, he suddenly felt calm, even happy. From this perspective, his problems seemed as small as he was at the minute. His lips pulled into a smile and closing his eyes, he fell into a gentle, deep sleep, for the first time in his life. That night, there was nothing in his mind, no storms, no emotions, nothing. He felt empty and peaceful, and he slept like never before.

It was the most fucked up feeling ever; spending seven days breaking down all the walls he built around himself just to end the terror fulfilling a childhood dream that washed tranquility over him, and the next morning he woke up refreshed, relaxed.

He sat next to the water and refilled his bottles, letting his mind wander again. This time, it wasn’t about hatred and remorse, but ways to fix this. He counted the memories from all across his years that he considered happy, and analysing them, he set foot on the sand to finish the journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik spent approximately two whole weeks in the Desert of Death, and this trip on the endless sands turned to be his personal El Camino . The Erik who entered the desert died on the way, and the Erik who left was a different person. From the next day, he started to work on his return, thankfully he didn’t need to wait for too long. When Nokk found him, he was more than ready to live.

To his biggest surprise, getting into contact with the military again was easy. His knowledge and input about the country and the people came in handy, and even though he wasn’t completely off the hook because of this whole disappearance act, his help with dismantling a major insurgency operation was his testimony of loyalty, and without a doubt, he excelled. He even got the attention of a whole new circle, and when Six reached out to him, he accepted the opportunity with gratitude.

Arriving in England opened a whole new chapter for him. He never imagined living in this country, it wasn’t too appealing for him; but as he learnt more about Team Rainbow and  his new teammates, he decided it was worth every rain-soaked shoe and shitty weather. Being selected into a group with such amazing soldiers was a blessing and a curse at the same time.

Here he needed to fight to prove that he was worthy of his place, and the others kept challenging him all the time for the first few months. They wanted to see if the new guy could handle the weight or not. It was hard, but he kept pushing against them, and soon, they welcomed him in the team with open arms.

He also realised how terrible he was in social interactions. He was just so bad at making friends, he worked so much different than the others, it was madness. For the first few weeks it seemed that he always spoke before thinking, he kept hurting people, making the others mad at him. It was very similar to a bunch of kids in the playground, but since he never experienced that, he had no idea how to make it work, but eventually he started to change. Slow and steady, he learnt to listen, think and answer. The team started to get used to him, and soon he was an anchor for everybody. They came for his insight and advice, and friendships started to form.

By the time the two new teammates arrived, he had already carved his name in the marble side by side with Morowa. They had been in active duty for almost three months now, and he was satisfied with how his life was going.

Both his mind and body were equally tired most of the days, he was able to rest. It was still not the same as in the desert, but he was getting there. He called his mother every week, and he actually told her stories about the places he visited and the things they worked on. He also already had a few vacations planned to countries he had yet to visit, so all in all, it was a decent way of living. He didn’t have any reason to complain, until- until the two new arrived.

He heard a few rumours about them from Mike and Jordan. He knew that one of them is some old, experienced captain of a fortress. He also heard that the other was an adventurer, and he was already excited to hear their stories in exchange for his own. He really wanted to have a friend who would be as invested in traveling as him. He couldn’t wait to meet them.

On the morning of their arrival, he had been hanging out with Yumiko, testing a few new breaches for Jordan in the workshop. When they got back to the canteen, there were the two newcomers. The old man with white beard and a real sword tied to his side, and the other was- um...

Blinking, Erik stepped next to Jordan, to get a better look at the other newbie. He felt his mouth dry, his knees weakened. The other newbie - a lady - was just- she was so beautiful. Her darker skin, her curly black hair, her features, her everything. He never expected to see something this mesmerizing in the middle of Hereford.

Around him, everybody was moving to greet the duo, and he was just standing there, questioning the existence of God.

Jordan looked up at him and slapped his upper back gently. “You are drooling, pal.”

His eyes snapped at the man. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Come, pretty boy, let’s greet them!”

Nodding, Erik followed Jordan, and soon he was shaking hands with both the old man - Jalal - and the woman - Saana. She even had a pretty name. That was just unfair. She also had a firm handshake, sparkling eyes and a sassy smirk hiding in the corner of her mouth. Erik already knew that she was amazing.

“Oh, are you really Erik Thorn? I’ve read about your work in Kabul, it sounded risky.”

Erik’s heart skipped a beat again as he nodded. “It was risky, yes. Especially keeping the tourists alive!”

Saana’s lips pulled into a wide smile hearing that, and that was the end of Erik. He felt his hands shake so he let go of Saana’s hand and looked away. He felt his face warming up. It was- it was the most embarrassing thing ever. He was 36 years old, the Afghan ladies loved him, and he had plenty of experience with them, but this- this was a whole different deal. He felt like a little boy all of a sudden. He felt so stupid. Thankfully Saana didn’t seem to notice, or she was decent enough to pretend not to notice his obvious longing. She looked up at him once more, and stepped away, to greet Mike instead, leaving Erik just enough time to slap himself in the face mentally.

He hoped that this sudden interest in Saana would fade after a few days, that it was just the excitement of something new, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. After bumping into the woman in every goddamn place possible, he realised how small Hereford base really was. His life turned into a hot mess and suddenly he missed his good old hermitage very much, thank you.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like Saana - it was the exact opposite. Erik found her fantastic. Sanna was not only very attractive in appearance, no! She had the audacity to be smart, funny, interesting, gentle and on the top of it an excellent soldier! She got the hostage out, she solved the team dynamics, she was flexible and confident, and she was everything Erik has ever wanted to be. Saana made life look so easy, but Erik knew that it wasn’t, even for her. He has heard about the adventures of the woman, and he couldn’t imagine how hard it was to keep everything in order, but Saana made it work and he just wanted to learn from this amazing woman.

He found himself wanting to be around Saana, not just in the terms of friendship. He wanted to show her Kabul, and he wanted her to guide him through all her own adventures. He wished to be by her side, but he had no idea how to approach somebody so perfect. He was afraid that he would mess it up, so he didn’t do anything for a while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His lucky day -or maybe lucky night- came on a stormy Friday in early March. The base was still freezing, and he couldn’t for the love of god fall asleep. They had a big mission going on soon, and he was lying in bed, eyes open, thinking about the new triggering mechanism for his torch, when the first lightning hit the ground. It was so loud he winced in his bed. He looked out of the window as the first drops of rain started to fall. This weather reminded him of his childhood; during storms his mother always made a cup of tea for him, and they stayed up late, cuddled in a big blanket, talking.

He scratched his beard and glanced at the other bed, where Olivier was sleeping peacefully. With a small smile on his lips, he got to his feet and put on a sweatshirt. A cup of tea sounded nice, especially in the cold. He left his room and headed towards the cafeteria. When he turned into the corridor that led towards his destination, he was surprised to see light inside. Shrugging it off, he walked to the door. His hard guess was Ryad or Timur wandering around, or maybe Dominic trying to steal some of Adriano’s delicious biscotti. Without thinking twice, he pushed the door open and stepped in, only to be greeted by Saana, hunched over something at a table.

Blinking a few times, he bit his lips. Nobody was around, just the two of them, he wasn’t even sure if that ever happened before. “Good evening!” he greeted gently, but when no answer came, he stepped closer to the woman, to notice how her eyes were shut. She fell asleep on top of her papers and notebook, hand still holding the pen. He couldn’t hide a smile. Oh, so amazons still needed rest.

He watched her sleep for just a few seconds, and went to the kitchen to put up a kettle of water to heat. Then he left into the common room, to get a blanket from one of the armchairs. Arriving back, he made two cups of tea. He placed both mugs on Saana’s table, and unfolding the blanket, he gently covered the woman with it. To his touch, Saana winced and looked up at him. Her face was wrinkled, hair messy, eyes tired. Nobody was in their best form two seconds after waking up, but Erik still found her perfect.

Saana rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulder. “Thanks. I was working on our next mission, but I guess I fell asleep.” she smiled. “Thank you” she took the mug Erik offered her, and when the man gestured to the place next to her, she nodded.

Sitting down, Erik smiled at her. “Do you always work during the nights?”

“Only when I can’t sleep!” Saana smiled and glanced down at her work.

Erik lifted an eyebrow and followed her gaze to the maps, and weather forecasts and notes. “You sure take this seriously,” he said in amazement.

Saana nodded. “I have never been to this side of Chile, and we are approaching a fortress in the mountains. I just want to make sure that we will come back in our original packages.”

“And I thought I did my homework!” the blonde snorted. He then looked at the leather covered notebook by Saana’s left. “Can I?” he reached out and with an approving ‘sure’, the woman handed him the book.

Erik opened it gently and started to scan through the pages. There were notes and amazing sketches about the places Saana visited before. He couldn’t hold back a smile as he slowly shook his head.

“What?” Saana asked, embarrassed.

“It’s just- I’m just wondering, how are you even real!”

Blushing, Saana placed a hand on her chest with an almost offended smile. “Excuse me?”

“Oh nothing, nothing! It’s just that you exist only to selfishly humiliate us, normal human beings, with this amazing, sassy elegance you have!” Erik smiled at her.

With mouth falling open, Saana rolled his eyes. “I- I will take that as a compliment!”

Tilting his head, Erik smiled. “Good. It was a compliment.”

“Oh, so you compliment every lady like this?”

Erik stuck out his bottom lip and shook his head. “No, not at all. Just the special ladies!”

With a soft giggle, Saana placed her hand on the notebook, trying to pull it away from Erik. “You are horrible!”

“Oh no, no, no! Please! I will behave! Please let me look at your amazing pictures!” Erik did not let go of the notebook just yet.

Saana shook her head. “Okay, okay, fine! But only with one condition.”

“Which is?”

The woman let go of the book and instead, she pointed gently at Erik’s tattoo. “I would like to hear about Afghanistan a bit more.”

Erik glanced down at his tattoo, then back at Saana. “Well… if you want to hear everything, one night is not enough time. I’ve spent ten years in the country.”

With a cheeky smile, Saana nodded. “I don’t think that we will be able to get rid of each other soon anyway.”

His lips pulling into a smile, Erik said. “That is true. In this case, I would like to hear more about your adventures, starting with how you lost your fingers.”

Saana looked down at her hand, and up to Erik again. “That is a gory and disgusting story.”

“I’m all ears!”

Saana poked his side with her elbow gently. “No! You owe me a story about Kabul for now!”

With a resigning sigh, Erik nodded. “But Kabul might not even be that exciting! You can’t build up my interest like that, and then leave me hanging!”

“You are such a- so we are playing mind games now, hm? Emotional blackmailing, hm?”

Erik glanced in her eyes with a pout. “Only if it's working…?”

A good hearted laugh burst out of Saana, filling the canteen with life. “I can’t believe this! Okay, let’s make a deal. You will tell me a story about Kabul now, and then we will go to have some sleep, and tomorrow, I will tell you the story of how I lost my fingers during dinner?”

The blonde shut his mouth immediately, looking the other in the eye without blinking. He considered every possibility and outcome thoroughly and started to nod furiously. “Yes, I would love that very much!”

Satisfied with herself, Saana produced one of those fantastic, bright smiles. “It’s a date then. You pick the restaurant.”

Now it was Erik’s turn to get flushed. A date-a date-a date- adate . He felt his mouth open, but the sound didn’t come out. He was shocked. “A date?”

Saana smirked at him. “You didn’t think that I would invite you to steal food from Adriano and eat it surrounded by the others, right? So it’s a date. If you want it to be a date too!”

Erik looked at her, and started to nod furiously yet again. “Yes, I would love that very much!”

The woman next to him laughed again, and turning towards Erik she waited patiently until the man’s head cleared out just enough to start one of the Kabul stories. He didn’t plan this to be so easy, but he was undoubtedly happy with the sudden turn of events.

The next day, they accidentally stayed at the restaurant talking and exchanging stories for so long, the main chef needed to warn them that they were about to close. Erik knew he would remember that day until the end of his times.

During the dinner, Saana mentioned that she never visited a planetarium, and Erik discovered that despite his undying love for space, he neither set foot into one before. With that, their second date was decided.

They spend the third date in one of Maxim’s hunting huts, eating cereal out straight out of the bag, talking about their life in the army. Erik asked what was the worst thing that happened to Saana, and in exchange, he told her about the day he disappeared. He felt insecure at first, talking about his biggest shame, but Saana just lied there next to him, in the dirt, and listened to his every word without a single word of judgement. When he finished, the woman propped herself up on her elbow, and touching his face gently, she kissed him. It was the best date of all his life, and he already knew that he wanted more. He wanted it all.

For the fourth date, Erik planned a trip for them to Arthur’s Stone, which was just about 20 kms away from Hereford. When they began their journey in the morning, the sky was clear, the sun shining bright, but in a few hours the weather turned upside down, bringing an earth shaking summer storm with it. They were in the middle of nowhere when it hit, and both of them were soaking wet in just a few minutes. He was so angry and disappointed, he could shout. He knew that there was a National park near the Stone, and Saana loved forests, yet they were stuck on a plain field, drowning in mud.

When he opened his mouth to say his apology to Saana, the woman just hugged his neck and gave him a kiss, getting him even more wet, than he was before. She then smiled at him, with that amazing, bright smile of hers and pointed at a barn in the distance. “I bet, you can’t outrun me, Erik!”

She let go of him, starting her race towards the destination, and with that Erik’s anger was gone.

They spent the night in the barn, accompanied by a few horses, cuddled close to keep each other warm, talking about the places they wanted to visit. Until this point both of them planned for only themselves, but soon, their separated trips merged into shared ones. Saana - with all honesty - told him that even though she would never want to leave Erik behind, there were still a few places , like Antarctica, where she wanted to go alone. Understanding what this meant to Saana, Erik obviously accepted her decision, and asked if he could wait for her at the end points of those trips.

With sparkling eyes, Saana put her head on his shoulder, caressing his cheeks with her gentle fingers. “Yes, I would love that very much,” she whispered.

Erik smiled at him, and hugged her close, planting his face into her naked shoulders. “I will wave you goodbye, and I will greet you again, after the 50 days.”

Saana chuckled. “You mean 52 days. The first guy who crossed Antarctica on foot took 52 days.”

With a smile, Erik looked at her. “Saana, I think both of us know that you will never be satisfied with a second place.”

Laughing, the woman nodded, giving him a kiss yet again. “I guess you are right!”

Erik placed a kiss on top of her forehead and hugging her waist closer, he closed his eyes. During that night, in a shitty barn, surrounded by horses, cuddling naked next to one other, Erik found his deep slumber again, just like back at the oasis.

The next morning, he thought it was just one occasion. He was most surprised when, during their fifth date, he fell asleep just as easily as the last time, with Saana pressed against his back, hugging his waist.

They had spent the day in a small Welsh village, exploring the history of it together, then they had dinner in a fantastic little restaurant, and arriving back to their hotel room, they spent the next hours making love to each other. He planned all these outcomes, but he was sure, he won’t be able to sleep, so waking up in the morning, to Saana’s ice-cold feet pressing against his upper thighs, was both a pleasant and an unpleasant surprise. He opened his eyes with a loud yelp, and when he turned to the woman, she just smiled at him innocently. “What happened darling? A bug bit you?”

He wanted to make a smart remark, but before he could open his mouth, he decided to look the woman up and down. Her hair was messy, her eyes sparkled, she was covered in the soft sheets of the hotel, and he knew his future was next to her. So instead of commenting on her being a mountain troll, he gently cupped Saana’s face in between his hands, and gave him a soft kiss. Giggling, she hugged his neck and pulled him closer. As they parted, he pressed his forehead to the woman’s, eyes closed, caressing her arm and that was it. He never looked back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly their relationship got stronger and stronger, and they spent more and more time together. Erik found true rest only with Saana sleeping next to him, and couldn’t have been more grateful for it. It was clear as day that they were happy together, and as he discovered more about Saana, he fell deeper into the pit.

It wasn’t easy all the time, there were days, even weeks, when both of them were stressed from work, and he started to see how Saana - despite being a goddess in his eyes - was just as human as him. She was messy, she spent way too much time working, and when she was stressed she sometimes took it out on him. He soon understood her struggles with always trying to be the best and that she often forgot that she could count on him as well.

To his greatest surprise, the biggest discovery was that he didn’t mind any of this. He wanted to be there for Saana, even if his only job was to make her a tea and cover her in a blanket, when she worked. He never asked her to change, and just as easily as he did, Saana accepted his own strange bits as well. She was by her side, when he was angry, when he was broken, when he was weak, always holding him together with all the love she could give.

Both of them listened when the other needed them to, and they knew how to help. They were not afraid to ask for help and let the other close, because both of them knew that they were just meant for each other, and that after the storm, there will always be able to see the clear skies again.

Their days together turned into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months into years, and they never stopped to love and support each other.

Erik was there, when Saana was shot during a mission, sitting sleepless next to her hospital bed until she woke up. She was by his side, when his father got sick, holding his broken pieces together, shielding him from the world. And, as he promised, he was the last one waving goodbye when Saana started her journey across Antarctica, and he was the first to greet her by the goalline.

When Saana was not next to him, because she was on a mission alone, he tended to go back to his old habits of lying in their empty bed, thinking about his previous life. He got himself remembering his childhood, the early years of the military practice, Kabul, his two years long runaway, and that first date with Saana. He found himself smiling, because after all, every struggle he ever had was worth it in the end. He was happy, he loved like never before, and he was loved just the same.

He sometimes got himself thinking that what if it will be over one day? What if, Saana will get to her sober senses and just leave him behind. He wouldn’t blame her, he was not a Prince Charming on a white horse. He wasn’t rich, he wasn’t perfect, he still didn’t know how to say her mother’s name correctly, and he always left the toilet seat up. To his luck, Saana didn’t care about any of these, and she was not afraid to tell that to him over and over again, if she saw he needed it.

Saana had an inhuman sense to read his mood, even when he turned inwards. She always knew what he needed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For example, now, on the evening of the 6th of May, mere minutes before midnight, just as his insecurities were about to rise in him about their wedding tomorrow, Saana sensed his distress and waking from her sleep, she placed her hand on the sides of his face. “You are not sleeping, my love,” she whispered.

With a low chuckle, he pressed a kiss in her palm. “Yes, but you can rest, I’m all good.”

Saana yawned and fidgeting, she rolled him over gently to be able to press against his cooler back with her chest. She hugged his waist, pushing her warm cheeks against his skin. “You are not, I can tell. Let me guess… You are afraid that my father will not accept you in our family. You are sad, because your dad can’t be with us tomorrow. And you are thinking that after eight damn years of strong and stable relationship, I still deserve more than what you are able to give me.”

Erik bit into his lips, listening to Saana with a wide grin on his face. “You know me.”

“Of course I know you. And I know that my father will love to have you as his son-in-law. I also know that even if your dad will not be able to be here physically, he will be looking down at us from Heaven and he will be pretty damn proud about your sexy little wife. And for the last part- Erik, I know you love me, you keep telling me every day. Not with your words, but with your actions. For example how after eight years, you still bring my morning coffee to bed in my favourite mug. How you only fill the rows of the newspaper crosswords I have no idea about but leave the rest for me because you know that I love them. How you suppress your muffled screaming every time, I press my cold feet against your skin… These are small and insignificant to you Erik, I know! Trust me, I know! But I also know that I would never want to press my feet against anybody else. I will press them against your skin for the rest of our lives, and if you have any complaints, I don’t care!”

Erik closed his eyes, listening to Saana, biting the inside of his mouth to hide a soft sniffle. He lifted one of the woman’s hands to his lips and pressed a kiss into his palm. “Have I ever told you about the Oasis in the Desert of Death?” he whispered.

He felt Saana’s lips pulling into a small smile against his back. “Only a few hundred times, why?”

“Because you are just like that Oasis.”

At that, Saana propped in her elbow to get a better look at his face. “Elaborate, please, my love.”

Erik looked up at her, with a soft smile on his face. “When I arrived at that oasis, I was nothing more, but a broken man. I was depressed and weak, I was barely able to stand. I just realised how big of a fool I was for running, how wrong I was. I collapsed on the sand ready to die, but by that oasis I found a piece of myself I lost during the years. I was just lying there, looking up at the sky, and I suddenly felt light and calm. By the water, I realised everything I did wrong, and the ways to fix it. That oasis gave me new life, and you are just the same. You are always there to help me, always there to catch me, always there to remind me why I want to keep going on. You bring me peace and rest, and for that, I love you more than I have ever loved anybody else. You are my present and you are my future.”

Now it was Saana’s turn to hide a sniffle. She rubbed her nose, and took a deep breath glancing away. After a few minutes of silence, Saana looked back at him and clearing her throat, she smirked. “If this is not your goddamn wedding vow for tomorrow, I’m going to be very disappointed!”

Laughing burst out of Erik, as he hugged Saana close to himself, pressing soft kisses on her neck and skin. Shaking with laughter as well, Saana hugged his neck and pulled him into a deep, loving kiss. Parting, she placed her hand on Erik’s face and smiled at him. “I love you so much Erik Thorn. I would not give you up for anybody or anything. You are mine, and I’m yours. And nothing can change it.”

The man looked up at her, eyes sparking with love and hope, and after a gentle kiss, he hugged Saana close to himself. They fell asleep, holding onto each other like they usually did, and that was it. That was true happiness.

[abundanceofsoph]

SkyFire 1: Chapter 20

On the Road Again & Art Galleries  

Word count: 2.6k

SkyFire 1 MASTERLIST

>Instagram posts

The first half of 2015 flew by. Aurora was flat out not only with her course work at Columbia, but she also managed to secure a small gallery space and was spending every spare moment painting, in an attempt to finish the series, she intended to show at the end of May. Harry and the boys started the On the Road Again tour in February with their shows in Australia, and with Zayn shocking them all by leaving the band in March, he was also feeling the stress of the first few months of the year. Following a show in Dubai at the start of April, the band took a two month break to write their next album and in the wake of Zayn’s departure, the boys made the decision to stick together during the writing process and flew to New York to write with Aurora. All four of the guys moved into their own floor of the tower and spent most of their days set up in Aurora’s recording studio, writing and recording demos to send to their team. The time off for the group was much needed and they enjoyed being able to kick back and relax with Aurora’s family while working on the album, something they had not had the opportunity to do for their previous albums given that they had all been written and recorded while on the road for touring. Aurora tried to split her time well between her obligations, setting aside enough time to study, paint for her upcoming gallery show and also working on the writing process with the guys. Harry also enjoyed being able to split his time while staying in the tower; he and the boys would all join Steve in the gym every morning and eating dinner with the entire team every evening. Harry felt comfortable in the tower and after more than a year together, he considered Rori’s home as his own, just as he hoped she felt comfortable in his and he would often roam the common floor while the band took a break, spending time with various members of the Avengers team. While the boys would usually turn in from bed around 11pm every night, Harry would have to pull his girlfriend from her art studio well after midnight every night, forcing her to get some sleep. Finally, a busy month and a half, Aurora sat her final exam for the school year and her paintings were completed and ready for the opening of her show.

Harry met her at the gallery space in the afternoon, the day before the opening night, watching on as she instructed staff as to where each of the 18 pieces should hang and he felt so incredibly proud of her. She’d worked so hard on each painting and to see them all hung together allowed him to finally see the theme she had running through the entire series that she had been explaining to him for the last few weeks. 

“It’s going to be a hit,” he told her once the last canvas was hanging in its place. “Everyone is going to love it.”

“I hope you're right,” she said. “I just want people see what I’m trying to do here and not just think I’m trying to capitalize on the family.”

xXx

The Gallery show opened 3 days later and Aurora felt an immense sense of pride in her work as she watched people walk around, taking in her paintings. Her dads were both walking through the crowd, talking with guests about how great the paintings were, as were the Harry’s 3 bandmates. Aurora was feeling incredibly grateful for how supportive her friends and family were and she felt herself getting quite emotional. Harry, who was standing next to her, noticed her starting to sniffle and placed his hands on her shoulders, turning her to look at him.

“You ok?” he asked, looking her in the eye.

“Just a little overwhelmed by the response,” Rori replied, taking a deep breath to calm her emotions. “It doesn’t feel real.”

“You deserve all of this love,” Harry told her, hugging her tight against him, her cheek cushioned against his chest as they both watched the guests wander around the space, taking in the art on the wall. “You’re incredible,” he whispered.

Aurora looked across the gallery, taking in the 18 canvases on the exposed brick walls. Each work was made up of a pair a canvases, hanging next to each other with a metre gap between each pair and the next. The first pair was made up of a painting of the Iron Man armour and on it’s matching canvas there was a painting of her father cooking pasta in the kitchen. The next pair of canvases similarly showed the two apposing sides of her Pops, with one painting depicting Captain America in his full uniform, while the other showed Steve standing by an easel, paint splatted on his white undershirt and a soft smile on his face. The rest of the series continued along the same theme, showing each member of the Avengers team as the superhero the world new and the family member that Aurora loved; Clint was laughing as he threw balls of paper at the back of Sam’s head, Bruce was mid-yoga pose, Nat was dancing, Thor was playing video games, Sam was laying on his bed listening to music with his headphones on, and Bucky was reading a book.

The last pair of canvases showed the team assembled together on the left, as if preparing for battle and on the right, they were all collapsed on sofas, bean bags and recliners, staring off at an unseen flat screen tv out of frame. The overall effect of the series was clear, or so Aurora hoped. No person was one thing; identity was multifaceted and complicated and different people saw different aspects of everyone’s identity. Aurora hoped that the collection would encourage people to view those around them as multifaceted individuals with hopes and dreams and families and insecurities. Since becoming a public figure 3 years ago this was something that had plagued Aurora’s mind; to so many people on the internet she was the one thing they believed her to be. For some that was a privileged white girl, for others she was just a song writer, while others saw her merely as the girlfriend of Harry Styles or the daughter of Tony Stark. In truth she was all of those things, but she was also a normal girl, who grew up in a tiny apartment above a London pub, she was the product of a single mother who worked every day of her life to give her daughter the best life she could, and she was also so much more. That was the message she hoped this show would portray, the mark she hoped to leave on those who came to view her work, to imagine people complexly.

xXx

Following the second week of Aurora’s art show, she flew out with the boys for Cardiff, Wales for the start of the next leg of their tour on the 5th of June. The day of the first show, Aurora was sitting in the green room, waiting for the boys to come back from one of their many media obligations. She was drawing while she waited, periodically picking up her phone to see if any other critics had reviewed her show. It felt weird for her to not be there for the final two weeks, but she wanted to be there with Harry. She’d spent months looking forward to her chance to spend the summer with him and the boys and she knew she’d made the right choice to come on tour now given everything that had happened at the end of their last set of shows. Her art was in safe hands and she trusted Pepper to coordinate its safe return to the tower after the show came to an end, so she decided to put it aside in her head and focus her attention on being there on tour and present in the moment.

When the boys returned to the green room, she was struck again by how weird it was for there only to be the four of them now and she frowned. The entire time she had known Harry it had been him and the four boys, but now for Zayn to be gone, she still didn’t quite understand. She remembered when Harry had called her from the road, the night that Zayn had walked out on them. He’d been in tears and her heart had broken as she stayed on the phone with him for hours, promising that it would be ok. That no matter what happened with the band, that she would be there, and he would be ok. They had talked about restructuring songs, splitting up Zayn’s parts between the four of them and after they’d hung up, she had cried. While she and Zayn had not been best friends like she was with Louis, and they hadn’t gotten along quite as easily as she did with Liam or Niall, she had still grown to think of him as her brother, as she had with all of them. He was always quieter than the others and sometimes when the chaos of the tour had become just a little too much, the two of them would hide away somewhere quiet to relax and decompress. She’d tried to call him a few days after he’d left, but he’d ignored her call, probably assuming that she would have sided with Harry, like a child having to pick which parent to live with after the divorce. In truth she’d just wanted to make sure her friend was ok. It had been months now and she still hadn’t heard from him. She’d sent texts and twitter dm’s, trying to explain that she just wanted to talk and that she missed him, but it had all gone unanswered. The only contact any of them had had with him since March had been when Louis had argued with him on twitter in April. All of this was running through her head as the boys piled into the green room, flopping down on sofas and attempting to relax before they were needed on stage in a little over an hour. Harry placed a kiss on her cheek as he walked past her towards where Lou was waiting to fix his hair for the show.

“You look like something’s bothering you,” Liam said, sitting down beside her and casually throwing an arm across the back of the sofa she was curled up on.

“I’m good,” Rori replied with a small smile.

“No, you’re not,” Liam pressed, his eyes flicking around the room to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. “Talk to me.”

“Just feels weird, doesn’t it?” Rori whispered, her eyes also glancing to the others, not wanting to upset anyone. “I still don’t really understand what happened and it just doesn’t really feel right that he’s not here.”

“Yeah,” Liam sighed. “It feels wrong, but we’ve got to keep moving. We might never really know why he did it, but we’ve just got to work with what we’ve got now and try to make it work.”

“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Rori said, noticing Liam’s eyes were now a little misty with unshed tears.

“It’s ok Rori,” Liam replied, smiling softly as he wrapped his arms around her. “We’ve got to be able to lean on each other, right?”

“Oi!” Harry yelled with a laugh. “Get your mitts off my girl.”

“Sharing is caring,” Rori joked, laughing loudly when Harry pulled her to her feet and out of Liam’s arms. “Rude!” she giggled, kissing his cheek. She looked back at Liam, glad to see that Harry’s joke had broken the sombre mood they had slipped into, even if he didn’t know that’s what he’d done.

xXx

Despite missing a member, the tour was a success, continuing on much like the previous one had and after the first few shows, Aurora found that it felt just like old times. They travelled across Europe and along the west coast and into Canada, recording and finalising the new album. Aurora even recorded the piano track for If I Could Fly, a song that she had written with Harry late one night when they’d stayed up in the studio after the others had turned in for the night.

Something she often did with tracks she wrote for other artists was to record her own version and a few months after they released their track, she would release her version on her YouTube channel; a series she called The Demo Tapes. She had writing credit on almost every track on the new album, but after talking about it with the boys, they had decided that If I Could Fly, should be the track for her to record given that it was so personal to both her and Harry, so one afternoon in late August the two had set themselves up with the bands producers to record a duet of the song, filming the recording process to use for the music video in addition to the footage Aurora already had of playing the song on her grand piano back in New York. Singing with Harry was always one of her favourite things and being able to sing their song together filled her heart with so much love for the curly haired man standing on the other side of the microphone, his headphones pushing his long curls back from his face.

“What do you say we give the whole thing one last run through love? From the top?” Harry asked her once they were told they had everything. “One just for us?”

She returned his smile, adjusting her headphones. “Let’s do it,” she said, clearing her throat before the familiar sound of her keys filled their ears.

[Harry – Aurora – both]

If I could fly I'd be coming right back home to you I think I might give up everything, just ask me to Pay attention, I hope that you listen Cause I let my guard down Right now I'm completely defenceless For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely and forget who you are I'm missing half of me when we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down Right now I'm completely defenceless For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely and forget who you are I'm missing half of me when we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only I can feel your heart inside of mine (I feel it, I feel it) I've been going out of my mind (I feel it, I feel it) Know that I'm just wasting time And I Hope that you don't run from me For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely And forget who you are I'm missing half of me When we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely and forget who you are I'm missing half of me when we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only For your eyes only

As the final notes faded out, Harry stepped around the microphone and swept Aurora into his arms, kissing her deeply as they both forgot about everyone else in the room, or the camera set up on the tripod to record the process.

NEXT CHAPTER

OR CONTINUE READING ON AO3

[cilliansaccent]

The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 16

Hello, welcome back. Below is the next instalment of my fanfiction!

Leave a like or a comment if you liked it, or if I can do anything better! Please, it would mean the world and to understand if anyone is enjoying my writing. Also, sharing/reblogging would be even better.

PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!!

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Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 3,497

!!Warnings!!: Major sex scene at the end. 

Date: January 2017

Chapter Name: One Last Time

Brief Chapter Outline: Cillian and Gabrijela spend their last day together doing whatever they can before they end it with some heated passion...

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Cillian's brother dropped them at the airport before he bid farewell to them both. It was another early morning start but they had to get home as early as possible so Gabrijela could start packing and figuring out what to send via post. They checked in, wandered around the airport for a bit and ate before they headed through to the boarding gate. As they sat and waited, Cillian had his arm around her shoulder, his cheek against her head that rested on his shoulder. 

She scrolled through her Instagram, she remembered he had caught her on her fandom account and she was red-faced when she showed him what she posted. It was a multifandom account, and she posted various textposts, fan art and the like of her favourite books or TV Shows. "Still makes me chuckle you posted such old photos of me with those funny captions or whatever you'd call them." Cillian murmured. She rolled her eyes, "Shut up. I was and still am a dedicated fan!" "Well, now you are more than a fan to me." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Mhm." She tilted her head back and kissed him softly before she resumed her scrolling. But before she was going to tuck her phone away she came across a photo in the explore section of the app. "Oh, good god." She whispered in shock, "Cilly look." She showed him a photo of them both. It was more distanced but blurry so you couldn't make it out who she was really. It was when they were waiting at the airport coming to Cork. "Who took it?" He looked at it, frowning. He knew she wouldn't post anything of their relationship online, they had a talk about it and she was super respectful about it. "No idea. Just says someone had taken it. Maybe it's from Twitter." She felt worry ease into her. She hoped there weren't other sneaky photos of her and Cillian online. She never really said she was going overseas to her online fanbase either, just to her close friends back at home and the ones she made at Uni. "I'm sorry." He said as he ran his hand up and down her arm. "What for?" She looked up at him, confused as to why he would apologise. "For that." He gestured to the photo, "I should have been more thoughtful of those things." He began to let her go. "Cillian, no. Hey," she took his hands as she faced him, "I knew that something like this would happen on the end. I don't want it to ruin what we have." She didn't want him holding back on her when they were out in public. "I don't want you to be plastered all over the internet, either." He squeezed her hands. "I mean, my face is already on the internet. My accounts are not private." She shrugged. "I'll take a look on Twitter but... It doesn't bother me much. Unless you don't want the word going out about you being with someone." "I don't really like the idea of people being too into someone else's life. I'm just concerned about how it would be interpreted by everyone." He said. "Mm. I agree. They can be quite cruel. I've seen how people can react to their idols being with someone else... But again, Cillian, I don't want to like... Not be romantic when we are out in public. I want us to be just us, holding hands and all that. I couldn't care less what online haters would think about." She cupped his jaw. "Are you sure?" He asked. "I am. I can handle it. Besides, if there is an issue, who cares hm? They don't know us." She kissed him lightly. "If you say so." He said as his arm went back around her and they resumed their position. He would still be worried either way.   It was time to board and they detached themselves from each other and picked up their bags. They lined up with the other people, holding hands. She would not let the online images hurt them. When it came to showing affection, she didn't want to hide it. "Um, excuse me," Someone tapped Gab on her shoulder. She turned to see three girls looking at them keenly, "Are you dating Cillian?" She asked, eyes darting to their held hands and to Cillian who also turned to see them. They seemed quite surprised at the sight of Gabrijela, she could see it in their eyes. Cillian had replied instead, "We are. Why do you ask?" "There are rumours online, uh, photos popping up. The fans are uh, going crazy about it. Kinda a big deal, cause no one um... well expected..." She trailed off when Gab and Cillian turned away to get through the gates. Gabrijela gave Cillian a little giggle as they stepped through and headed down the hallway. "Seems like more photos." He said, frowning deeply. "It's fine Cillian, don't stress." She squeezed his hand. They got into the plane and took their seats, this time he was beside the window. The whole ordeal started up again but Cillian comforted her, and she settled faster with his gentle and caring words. She cuddled him throughout the trip, the turbulence was pretty bad as they went through a storm. He wrapped his jacket around her shoulders and made the scarf that she stole from him as a pillow on his shoulder. But after an hour and a half or so, they landed safely and got off the plane. The girls that spoke to them before seemed to follow them. "We got a bit of a party following us," Gabrijela said to Cillian as they headed towards the many taxis that waited. He glanced over his shoulder and chuckled, "It seems so." He hailed down a taxi and got their stuff into the boot before he held open the door for her. "Tough they won't see much anymore." She laughed and got into the car and he got in after her. It was nice to be back home now, they headed upstairs and she laid on his bed, "Ooooo," She groaned, "Cillys bed... So good." She giggled as he crawled up over her, laying down on her but not enough to crush her. He kissed her neck, "You miss it?" He asked. She giggled, "Yeah I did." She turned so she was now looking up at him. She leaned up and kissed him, "We gotta keep moving though. I have to go back to the apartment to pack up the remaining things there and clean up." He nodded and got off her. They had a quick bite before they headed over to her apartment. They packed up whatever she had left behind into his car before they cleaned up the place. She threw out most of the old food that was left behind. The apartment was just like how she came to it. She had taken off the sheets to and left them as a neat pile. She left a wonderful card and a wine behind for the owner of the apartment before she finally said goodbye to the place. Heading back to Cillian's home, she spent it packing up her stuff. But she kept most of her souvenirs in her suitcase all wrapped up in clothing. She didn't want to send it via parcel. She had packed the majority, leaving out her new set of clothing for tomorrow. Every other bits and piece was easy to just shove into her carry-on. Cillian came up the stairs to see how she was going, "Damn you are quick," He said. "Yeah. Just need a scale to weigh the bag." She said. "Got it." He went to the wardrobe and pulled out the scale. They weighed and she had some more room to add a few more clothing in. Now she had two small piles of clothing to send off. "Let's head to the post office now." She said and they headed off. They did what they had to do, and she made sure she was to pay for the fees of the parcel. Since it was a nice day, Cillian decided to take her out to St. James' park to have brunch. He had a blanket in the back and they headed in a nicer part of the park, a little secluded. They set up and Cillian went to a nearby cafe he liked to buy them food. In the meantime, Gabrijela spoke to her dad on the phone and listened to him ask if she had everything packed and whatnot. He would call her in the morning before she would leave as well. She laid back on the blanket, a hand over her tummy. She listened to the hum of the city and the voices of people around her. Cillian returned with a bag, "I'm back. Bit of a hold-up but I'm here." He grinned as he sat down beside her. She sat up, "Thanks babe," She smiled and helped him take the stuff out. "Whatcha get?" "I got us both eggs and bacon, I got you hot chocolate as well. I also got capers for myself." He said. "Thank you," She leaned over and kissed him deeply. "Love you." "Love you too," He said and pecked at her lips before they both dug into their food. They finished up and Cillian disposed of their rubbish before he came back and they laid back together. She snuggled close to his chest, his arm around her shoulders. "I'm gonna miss this," She said, stroking his chest. "Same." He played with her hair, running his fingers through it. "You gonna miss me?" She looked up at him. "Of course I will. So much." He cupped her face. "I will make sure we can talk as much as possible, video and all." She said, leaning up to kiss him. "Sounds good." He murmured, kissing her back. They held each other for a bit like that, totally in their own world as they kissed slowly. They finally broke apart and packed up before he went back to the car to leave the blanket and came back to her. They took a walk around the park and Cillian listened to her talk about how she was going to dread going back in for the last year of her University course. "I've been doing good in my game design as well, so I might see if I can get into that." She said. "Not costume designing?" Cillian asked. "Dunno, I enjoyed it but... I was quite stressed. I don't like the feeling." She laughed softly. "But I'll see." They came back to the car and headed home. When she stepped through the door, Cillian closed it and then pulled her against him. She gasped, "What are you doing?" She laughed as he began to pepper her neck with kisses. "Kissing you." He said, his hands resting on her hips before they snaked up to cup her breasts. "I think you want more than kisses, babe." She moaned softly as he gripped them tightly. She was pushed up against a wall, "Cilly." He kept fondling her breasts, then began to unbutton her blouse and discarded it aside. She smirked and pushed her ass against his crotch, then began to grind against him. "Mmm babe, you like that huh?" She purred. His hands returned to her hips, "I do. Keep doing that love." He watched how she moved against him, his hands now moved back up her sides before he turned her around and kissed her deeply, his fingers tangling in her hair. She moaned as she gripped his shirt, lifting it up before she pulled it over his head. "I want... I want you to use something on me." She blushed, running her hands down his soft skin along his arms. "Yeah? What is it?" He kissed her again. "It's in the bedroom. Let's go there." She took his hand as he picked up their shirts and headed upstairs. She opened up her suitcase and pulled out a black bag. Then she held out an eight-inch long vibrator that was a sparkly purple. "I'm going to be honest, I've never seen them in person." Cillian laughed as he came over, taking it from her. "No?" She raised a brow, "Then where did you see it? In porn?" She brushed past him and laid on the bed, smirking. "Maybe." He chuckled and turned to her, "So you want me to tease you with this?" He turned it on. "Yeah." She nodded, parting her legs despite still got her pants on. He brought it to her crotch, and held it against her and watched how she let out a moan. "Mmm, let's take off these pants first." He said as he waited for her to take her jeans off and throw it aside. He got on the bed, kneeling between her legs as he returned the vibe to her core. She sucked in a breath, gripping the sheets. He had it on a low setting, stroking her up and down through her panties. "Ah..." She laid back, eyes closed as she enjoyed the feeling. "Cilly..." "We should turn it up now, don't want you to enjoy this too much." He said and turned it even higher. She gasped, bringing her legs up. "No, keep them down." He pinned them between his thigh and calves. She whined. Cillian continued to tease her, letting the tip roll over her clit which caused her back to arch then he dragged it back down and then inserted the toy into her. He pushed her leg open with one hand, eyes flicking from her core to her face. "God, Gabrijela." He loved the pleasure on her face, the need and desperation in her eyes. "Cillian! Please! I'm close!" She whined, twisting the sheets in her hands. "Not yet, love. Hold on for me." He said and pushed the toy in and out of her. He let go of her legs and leaned down, and wrapped his lips around her clit and began to suck hard. Her hands shot into his hair, the vibrations of the toy was intense and he kept pushing it against her g-spot. "Fuck! Cillian! Cilly!" She bucked her hips, her screams loud as she came, arching right off the bed. He kept going till she was done, groaning softly as he pulled the toy out, seeing how slick it was with her climax. "Fastest climax ever." He chuckled, kissing up her thigh to sit back. She panted, "I need you in me, Cillian. Oh god." She shook her head. "Mm, but you asked me to use this on you. So I will." He mused, "Lay on your side." She moved to her side as he got behind her, an arm went under her head and locked around her chest. He brought the vibrator back to her clit and began to tease her once more. "N-Not right after a climax! Fuck!" She stayed still for him, she wanted to be good for him. But she couldn't help but buck her hips. "Be still, love. Don't move too much." He kissed her neck, sucking on a spot. She whimpered, clinging to his arms that were around her, god he was relentless as he continued to prod and poke her sensitive clit. But then he decided to push it into her and she arched her back a little. "Cillian!" He claimed her lips once more and kissed her as he thrust the vibrator inside her, she was super slick so it moved in and out swiftly but he could feel when she clenched her walls the vibe got stuck. Gabrijela reached up and dragged her fingers through her hair, "I need you, Cillian, I want you inside me. Please." She begged, rolling her hips. "Yeah? How bad?" He tugged on her bottom lip. "Really bad, Cilly. Please don't make me wait." She could feel his hard cock press against her ass through his jeans. He let out a grunt and got her to hold the vibrator inside her as he pulled off his pants. Then he was back up against her, and removed the vibrator, "Tuck me in, love." He nibbled on her earlobe. She reached between her legs and found his waiting cock, "So hard, baby." She giggled and positioned him to her entrance. Then she tugged him and he was inside her in one swift movement. They both moaned in unison, "Hold your leg up, Gab." He kissed her neck then to her shoulder. She lifted her leg up and he placed the vibrator back on to her clit. She cried out softly, and he felt her walls tighten around him. "Mmm fuck, Gabrijela. Do that again." She nodded and clenched her walls, she could feel every hard inch of him, especially when he started to move. "Shit." She gasped. He kept his eyes focused on her face, enjoying how tight she was and how he managed to drag those cute little sounds from her. He thought about how lucky he was to have her as his girlfriend. He had wished for someone to come into his life and here she was. Here they were, making love. He loved her, truly, he loved her. He could not bring himself to think of any other woman but her. And his heart would hurt when she was no longer warming his bed. Gabrijela looked up, seeing the pure love and devotion in his eyes. "Cillian, I love you." She said through a moan, "I love you so much! Oh!" She could feel her climax start to build again, and this one was gonna be a big one. "I love you too, beautiful. Oh fuck, I love you!" He kissed her hard, pounding hard into her, the bed shaking a little. He will miss her. So he threw aside the vibrator, turning it off and laid her on her back and pushed right back into her with a groan. Her legs locked around his thighs and her arms around his back, her nails digging into his skin. "Fuck! Mark me Gabrijela, fuck." He cursed and kissed her again as her nails scraped down his skin. He moved fast and wild, all he wanted was to please her. Make sure she would feel this for days when she would return back to her home. "Mine!" He cried out, "You're mine, Gabbie." "All yours baby. I'm all yours." She cupped his face and kissed him passionately but it was messy as from his fast thrusting. "I'm gonna cum, Cilly. Oh god, don't stop. Oh please!" Cillian worked hard, panting hard, his moans loud and cracked occasionally before they got faster and faster before his climax tore through him like wildfire. She screamed out his name as she came with him, she felt his warm load fill her inside up as she clenched and locked him in as she finished with him. After some moments they calmed down, but he stayed on top of her and inside her. His head was tucked into her neck and kissing her flushed skin. She ran her hands up and down his back slowly, admiring the curves of his spine and the divots of his muscles in his shoulders. "My handsome man," She whispered, her fingers returning to the nape of his neck and playing with the soft curls of his hair. He let out a soft chuckle, "My beautiful woman." He said as he raised his head to look at her. "My love." He touched her cheek, stroking her skin with a thumb. "I love you with all my heart, Cillian." She said, leaning into the touch. He gave her that breathtaking smile and they kissed for some time, and when they managed to get their breath back they got back into lovemaking. It was slow and gentle, then hard and fast with many different positions. Any position that had her against his body. After they have worn each other out, they bathed and then spent the rest of the afternoon together in his home. He pulled out his guitar and sang for her, then made her the best dinner ever, watched a cute romantic film before they drank red wine in front of the fire. They never parted from each other, every minute they wanted to be close. And despite being worn out, they made love one more time in front of the fire. She rode him till he came twice in her before he lifted her up and carried her to bed. He laid her down and they cuddled naked, she faced him and snuggled into his chest. Today was a wonderful day, and she would remember it forever. "I love you," She said in the dark. "I love you too," Cillian replied, kissing her head before they both fell asleep holding each other.

[koala-soap]

Content In Your Presence

Chapter Three

Pairing  Foreign Reader X Japanese Shouto Todoroki

Summary  Moving to Japan seemed like the only option left open to you, to escape your rapidly increasing problems that latched themselves onto your life back in Australia. As if to cut it off, wipe everything off the table, and have some sort of a new start for yourself, despite the guilt that stuck to you like rust. Through getting lost at airports, loosing luggage and being surrounded by a foreign language, moving to Japan managed to weasel it’s way into being the best decision of your life, thanks to someone you met on the balcony next to you: a sweetheart called Shouto Todoroki.

A lovely story about a foreigner falling in love with a Japanese sweet heart, and all your adventures and mishaps together.

。。。。

With it now being your second official day in the county of Japan, it made you glad to have some sort of responsibility to busy yourself with; give yourself the feeling of being productive, rather than sitting in your small apartment slurping on roasting hot noodles from a cheap plastic cup bought from a petrol station. For the next three weeks, you were had a small and simple job, and that was to water that nice old lady’s plants every weekend during her absence.

Having no clue on how to tend to flowers or any type of plant didn’t stop you though, and having this quaint little responsibility beat ending up working long shifts in a dull super market or a little sweaty fast food place crammed with oil and fat fingers. This way, you got to help someone out and have cool breeze in your face.

But that’s enough of that, because as of now, you stood at the end of what seemed like a maze of numbers, welcome mats and corridors. Just earlier, you had set off on a mission following the bright blue line on your phone guiding you to the address, and now that the short elevator ride was over, it was time to find the correct numbered door.

Your phone now sat snug in the tight pockets of your jeans, as concentrated eyes swayed from either side of the hallway, in search of a two digit number that kept repeating in your mind.

After a minute of wandering past countless doors neighbored with mats and boots and even small plants by them, a door with the number ‘38’ etched into it’s golden plate popped up on your right. Like a switch being turned on, the rigorous eyes on your face lit up like that of a Christmas tree covered in shining tinsel; and just like was planned, a cold metal key was left lying lonely under the scratchy welcome mat for you to let yourself inside.

It slid smoothly into the lock, and the door had slowly opened up to a colorful apartment inside. Unlike your own, there were colors all around. The couches that first greeted you when you entered had multiple knitted blankets flopped over their sides, bright tins of various cooking ingredients lined up against the kitchen counter, and strings of rainbow beads draped down in front of the sliding door opening up to the giant city outside. There was also a smell of soothing incense singing around in the air.

“ Dude, my apartment sucks. ” You mused to yourself with a chuckle.

The air outside was crisp and refreshing, the large green watering can in your hands quickly filling with water sprouting from the hose on the wall.

The white cap that hugged your hair kept the sun’s warm rays out the way, and only when the can was half-way filled did you rotate the creaky tap and attempt to pick it up. Water sloshed around inside and rounded out the top onto your slippery hands, trickling like a gentle shower head over the tiny succulents shortly after. Your strained hands held the water source over each plant pot, with greedy soil who slurped every drop up into its dry dirt.

Once all were happy and watered, the dripping green can sat happily in its spot by the coiled hose, and your hands rested on your hips to admire the view in front of you. However, once your wet hand reached up and around the back door’s handle to pull it back, it made you skin grow cold despite the shining sun when it laughed in your face that it was indeed… locked.

“ Oh, come on, please, no.” It ignored your desperate plead and sat smugly closed in its place. Whimpering and with eyebrows screwed together in exhausted worry, you gently placed your head against the cold glass. “ Am I supposed to sleep out here? Like, c'mon…”

After tugging on it, thinking it may just be jammed, you realized it certainly was not. You stood staring at the furniture mocking you from inside also, rapidly going through your options. Fujiko was away for the entire weekend, hence why you were here in the first place, and climbing down was only a job for super heroes since you were on the fourth floor. You couldn’t call the apartment’s reception either, since it was abandoned for the weekend.

Once the panic settled in, you were left to sit on the balcony floor waiting for god to answer your prayers for the door to just magically open. The sight of the neighbor’s matching sliding door caught your eye, and you peeped through the thin black railing and thought about asking them for help.

Being the positive soul you were, you decided to give it a go. So long as they were home and weren’t an axe murderer, what could go wrong?

A small sigh filtered out your nose to prepare yourself with whatever was about to happen, but it really was the only thing that you could do in this situation; calling the fire department sounded a bit too dramatic to you, and Fujiko was over two hours away enjoying time with her kids and grandchildren.

Your wet hand gripped onto the thin railing and you looked over to the matching balcony just in front of you, pondering how to get their attention without being excessively loud.

Your body strained to stretch as far over the railing to swerve your eyes past the door blocking your view, one thong covered foot lifting slightly off the tiles. When a sudden noise busted through your concentration, it was a quick struggle to not fall over the side and onto the busy streets below.

Flinging your head around, you see a young male stepping out his sliding door with a concerned but unsure look on his sleepy face, a hand flicking rouge strands of bed hair from it. The stranger was still clearly in pajamas from the baggy shirt and shorts, but his lively eyes suggested he’d been awake for a while.

He eyed your strange situation. “ ねえ。。だ。。だいじょぶ です か？[ Hey.. Uh.. Are you okay ? ] ”

“ はい、 はい、だいじょぶ。[ Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine. ] ” Once you popped your cap off, ruffling the hair off your sweaty forehead was a relief. An uncontrollable fit of nervous laughter jumped from your lips, and out of nervous habit, scratched the tips of your sweaty ears. You really didn’t like speaking Japanese to native people, in fear of them judging you. A wave of English words gushed through your mind, and you realized your vocabulary wasn’t good enough to explain yourself.

“ しょくぶつ に 、あの。。[ I’m here to.. water.. plants and uh… ] ” Your eyebrows sank together, and your hands waved about in circles to think of words. His gentle eyes follow your finger to the glass door. “ たちおうじょう [ Stuck . ] ”

Despite his empathetic gaze, you giggled relentlessly with unimaginable embarrassment at yourself with a hand clamped over your mouth. He’s silent for a few moments, eyes internally arguing over a decision before saying with only an impressively small amount of an accent, “ Do you speak English ? ”

The sheer look of absolute shock slapped into you was honestly priceless, and for a measly second, the strained laughing ceased for a second from behind your hand. It was as if the cogs in your brain had come to a complete stop and malfunctioned right in front of his eyes, and shocked eyes stared at him for a while, though clearly impressed. Just like your own, a very faint chuckle of nervousness left him. The hand on your face quickly shot down, and your eyebrows arched up to make your smile naturally kind as can be. “ Yeah! Oh my god, that was so strange, your English is so good! ”

The stranger’s eyes scrunched to make way for his shy smile. The beginning of your excited outburst was a little too fast for him to understand, but he got the end. “ Thank you. Were you saying the door is… stuck? ” The small pause he took was for him to shift through various English words until he landed on the correct one.

Two delicate hands placed the white hat back on your hair, and you giggled again when thinking of your horrible attempt of communication earlier. “ The key’s inside and I locked myself out here… Rookie mistake, I know. ” You chuckled.

“ Ah.. ” He nodded knowingly while his brain whirred about inside to try remember what 'rookie’ meant, but found nothing. The rest made sense to the stranger, anyhow. “ Okay, uh… hm. ” He seemed stuck for what to do as well, just as you were.

Fiddling with the tip of your left ear, face scrunched in thought and you looked at the handle. “ Can we pick it ? Or is that just in the movies ? ”

He puffed out a breathy chuckle, and scratched his head. “ Maybe.. You have uh.. それ なんだった？[ What was it? ] ” Quiet Japanese mumbling made his eyebrows furrow, and then pop up when he got the word and made a motion with his fingers to show what he meant. “ A pin ? Bobby pin? ”

You shook your head with a face full of apologetic guilt. The young man lent back to peer into his house and said, “ Hang on. ” Before hopping inside and making a bunch of thudding sounds.

He reappeared with a small grey box resting in large hands, patches missing reflective metal from being scratched off with what seemed like age. It clanged with tools inside, and he crouched down to open it on the floor of the tiled balcony. Things clanged against each other, until a small and thin metal tool that slightly resembled tweezers lifted out in his hand. “ I’m pretty sure this open locks… I promise I’m not a part time burglar, though. ” He smiles, and grunts to stand back up.

“ I’ll take your word for it. ” You joke back, and he quickly reaches a hand past his door to grab a screwdriver from a cabinet. “ Are you a mechanic or something? You have so many tools. ”

He quietly chuckles for a second with the tools in his hand. “ No, I’m not that cool. I’m studying to be a doctor. I just have them for convi- convin- convinience ? ”

You reassured him of his English with a nod paired with kind eyes, and he smiled shyly. “ Now how should we do this ? ”

Agreeing to letting him hand over the tools for you to try was apparently a big mistake, because even after a while of him leaning over the railing to observe your confused fiddling and directing you, the lock still remained stuck in its place. The pieces of metal in your fiddly fingers wiggled around inside the key hole, and were lifted or twisted depending on what the kind stranger told you to do. It remained hopeless though, and you stood defeated with the lock laughing at you.

“ This is so freaking hard. ” You mumbled mostly to yourself, tongue stuck out to assist in balancing the tools in the intricate place you had them.

“ Would like me to help? It’s fine. ” He offered, and soon enough, Shouto found himself hanging off the edge of his balcony railing, one hand in yours for balance as his leg reached out for the neighboring railing with his butt sat uncomfortably on his. The gap was only about half a meter wide, but the rock hard concrete and racing cars beckoned his body to fall.

The second foot with a large sandle weakly hanging from it leaped from the metal underneath it, and with a few stumbles, the tall man had succesfully made it to the other balcony with all four limbs. You let his hand go, and winced when you caught a glimpse of the busy streets below.

“ You okay ? ” A voice couldn’t sound more worried than yours, but the stranger simply kicked his dad sandles off and sighed out all the suspense that grew inside him.

A confident nod made your nerves ease themselves. “ Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. ” He panted heavily and switched from the gap he just leaped across to the shaken young lady in front of him again. “ Easy peasy lemon squeazy. ”

You snorted, and soon both got back to opening the stubborn door.

“ 愚かなロック。。[ C'mon, you stupid lock.. ] ” It was after five minutes that both of you realized he wasn’t much better than you. He did manage to get something in the lock to click, so whatever that was was hopeful. The man currently stood hunched over, hair flopped anywhere it desired, hands delicately twisting the tools with the tip of his tongue poking out. The screwdriver was angled ever so perfectly, and the other tool was twisted to the left carefully. Both you and him jumped at the sound of a rather loud click coming from inside the door, and he decided to risk it and put his hand around the handle.

He pulled on it, and it slid along the hinges to reveal the prize inside. Shouto sighed with exhaustion and grinned with triumph; you were jumping around excitedly.

A tsunami of relief crashed down onto you, so much so you could melt and cry. This generous stranger had just wasted forty minutes and jumped a balcony for you, and now you wouldn’t have to sleep out there for two days. “ Yes! Oh god, you did it! Thank you so much! ”

He nodded, just as triumphed as you. “ No problem, my morning was rather boring to begin with. ” He breathlessly chuckled. “ Now I can say I jumped a balcony. ”

“ You sure can, my god. ” You laughed as well, “ I’m [______] by the way. ”

You both shared a chuckle over the fact you were just doing this now, after the chaos had happened. The stranger pocketed the tools with grey, oily fingers and said with a heavy accent and smile, “ I’m Todoroki Shouto. ”

[pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles]

Colour Me In (Part 5)

Eliza gasped as a blue butterfly landed on her nose and giggled when she looked over at Calum. He had a yellow butterfly in his dark curls and his mouth was hanging open, eyes wide as he fed several others from his hand. He'd brought her to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park.

They'd started in the butterfly jungle and Eliza swooned at Calum trying to be extra careful with the tiny delicate creatures.

Next was the aviary where Eliza stared at the birds the zoo keeper brought out one by one following along with the script on Calum's phone. He seemed a little more skittish around the birds as they were brought up close, but he tried to play it off.  She marveled at the colors, and judging by the way Calum flinched when it opened its beak she guessed it was very loud.

Calum bought behind the scenes tickets so they learned about kangaroos for about an hour, even holding and feeding a baby roo. The park employees teased Calum about being a natural, being from Australia and all. Eliza noticed the side glances cast her way, some girls nodding at her and smiling in appreciation of the man she was on a date with. Other females shot her looks of pure envy and venom, but Eliza ignored them, she was too happy to care what anyone thought.

They grabbed a quick snack before Calum took her on a caravan safari through the Asian and African savannah. Calum had preloaded the guides script into his phone so Eliza could read along, but he kept poking her and pointing, signing “What's that?”

She'd sign back “lion, rhino, antelope,” and so on and the tour continued. A couple of kids sitting in front of them turned around to watch the impromptu lesson and were soon asking their own questions.

Calum grinned watching Eliza answer every one while still paying close attention to the animals they were there to see. He brushed a curl off her cheek tucking it behind her ear earning him a smile that made his heart catch in his throat. He took a video of her teaching the kids to sign “giraffe” and he couldn't help but think she'd be such a good mom someday. The thought unnerved him for a second, but he squeezed her knee and smiled back. The kids got distracted by their parents who felt bad intruding on what was obviously a date, and Eliza snuck in a quick kiss, pressing her lips to his briefly, just long enough to let Calum know he was already in too deep.

The safari was about two hours long with Eliza alternating between signing for Calum and the kids and holding his hand enjoying the scenery. Every now and then resting her head on his shoulder so her hair tickled his face, and he noticed it smelled like honeysuckle flowers and coconut. Cal couldn't remember the last time he'd taken a girl out on a date and he'd never done anything like this before.

By the time the tour was over they were both hungry and the parents of the two kids offered to treat them to lunch at the restaurant on that side of the park. They wandered back through the park deciding to try the zipline even though Eliza objected not wanting Calum to spend any more money. He overruled her objections and flying above the animals she was glad he'd insisted. He'd gone first so he was waiting when she landed. Eliza was so overwhelmed at the days experience, and this gorgeous man grinning at her with his arms out, she couldn't help but throw her arms around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. His hands tangled in her hair and his tongue parted her lips when they were asked to move along. Calum frowned as he pulled back, leading Eliza back down the trail.

They held hands as they made their way out of the park, stopping occasionally to look at an exhibit and even popping in to feed some colourful lorikeets. Eliza laughed when Calum seemed to finally be warming up to birds until one pooped right in his hand. He looked so embarrassed and grossed out, she felt bad for him but laughed harder as she handed him a wet wipe. They stopped at the petting kraal so Calum could brush a goat which Eliza just had to get video of.  

They made their way to Calum's car, and he acted like he was gonna reach around to open the passenger door for her. Instead his hands found her waist backing her against the car. Eliza stood on her toes tilting her head up as his mouth came crashing down on hers continuing where they'd been rudely interrupted. The kiss was deep and passionate, his hands running down her sides gripping her hips, her fingers pulling his curls as her teeth grazed his bottom lip. He started to dip down to kiss her neck and Eliza pushed him away, suddenly.

“I'm sorry I'm sorry” she signed, wide eyed and shaking her head. She grabbed her phone.

I can't have marks on my neck. Where my mom and boss could see them.

Calum backed up and nodded before leaning in and kissing her lips again.

If I ever leave marks, they'll be where no one can see them.

Eliza's jaw dropped and Calum burst out laughing. He opened the door for her, before walking around and getting in himself.

I'm still hungry, let me buy you dinner

That's not how this is supposed to work ya know

Calum was using voice to text so he could talk to her while driving.

Don't care, you just dropped several hundred dollars taking me out today, I can buy you a pizza.

Okay fine, but let's go back to the hotel and let me get a quick shower before we get dinner.

Shower? Where?

I got a room this morning because I figured I'd be too tired to drive back tonight after getting up that early to drive down

How much is this costing you?

Don't worry about it, I can afford it and it was worth it to come see you.

Eliza got freshened up in her room and changed into a yellow sundress with sneakers and a white denim jacket over the dress. Calum was at her door looking handsome as always in a black tank top with an unbuttoned red shirt over it. Ripped black jeans and boots with his hair still wet from his shower, Eliza had to fight the urge to forget about dinner.

The desk clerk was a fan and insisted they try her favorite restaurant about twenty minutes away. The menu was California cuisine with a Greek twist. Eliza skipped it and went straight for the kebab, the smell of the lamb meat already had her mouth watering. Calum followed her lead and it was a slow night so the owner was also running food. He stopped to chat them up and they had a laugh how international the table was, a Maori-Scottish man on a date with an Portuguese-Iranian woman at a Greek restaurant in a Mexican named city eating Turkish food.

He insisted they take a shot of Ouzo on the house, only relenting when Eliza explained she was Muslim, insisting Calum take two in her place.

Calum texted her can you drive a stick? Eliza nodded with a wink and he took the shots. He nursed a beer for the rest of the night not wanting to get silly around Eliza. The liquor got him feeling a bit loose and he couldn't stop touching her. He kept playing with her fingers, rubbing her shoulder, bumping her knee with his, Eliza wasn't drunk but felt intoxicated by the attention.

The food was amazing finally breaking the spell as they concentrated on their meal.

Afterwards they were absolutely stuffed but the owner insisted they take some of his wife's famous kourabiedes, Greek walnut sugar cookies, with them to go.

They got back and Calum walked her to her room. Eliza stopped and pulled out her phone

I want you to come in and hang out, but I don't want you to think this is an invitation to fool around

Okay but you're looking really pretty tonight so I can't promise I won't try and kiss you

I'll consider myself warned

They ended up sitting on the bed holding their phones to chat. Calum was sitting up with a pillow behind him with Eliza sitting between his legs, her back resting against his chest. They were both fully clothed although she'd changed into yoga pants and an oversized t shirt with a sports bra underneath and Rocket and Groot knee socks.

If you're trying to look unappealing, it's not working, but what's with the socks

Maggie is Rocket and I am Groot

He giggled and she looked back at him receiving a kiss before settling back against him.

They stayed that way until after 2am. Cuddling and texting eventually putting one phone one the charger while they passed the other back and forth. Calum talked about his two girlfriends in high school and how awful he'd been to them. He'd had sex for the first time at 15 and he was embarrassed to admit he honestly couldn't tell her how many girls he'd slept with. After that he told her about the girl who'd convinced him he was finally in love. She'd been a drummer and a tattoo artist about a year older than him. He'd become jaded when that fell apart piece by piece until they hated each other. He never missed them as a couple, but sometimes he still missed her.

Eliza nodded she told him about her first boyfriend, Miguel who'd been deaf like her. They'd met at school, as there was only two high schools in the district that had ASL interpreter. They'd dated from sophomore to senior year, and he'd been the one to take her virginity, convincing her they would marry after college and live happily ever after. She found out he was cheating a week before graduation. Her second serious boyfriend was Patrick who she met in literature class her first week of college. They'd been together a little over a year despite Maggie and Kevin never being fully happy with the relationship.

As far as sex was concerned she and Miguel had been kids, sneaking around, figuring things out together, and it had been enjoyable. Patrick had been boring in bed, she knew enough to know that. When she'd gotten the courage to suggest trying something different he'd turned it around on. Patrick had blamed her extra weight and her lack of experience for his poor performance. Their relationship crumbled quickly after that.

Eliza felt suddenly bashful explaining her limited sexual experience and prowess.

I hope if something ever happens you won't be disappointed

Eliza felt Calum's whole body tense up as he read that.

You could never disappoint me, don't ever think that.

He turned her head so she was looking at him and mouthed “Never” before pulling her into a kiss.

Soon they were tangled together in a flush of heavy breathing, roaming hands and passionate kisses. Calum stopped and pulled away watching her face. Eliza was still unsure if she was ready for this and Calum understood that. He got up of the bed and helped her up.

“Not yet” she signed.

“I understand” he signed back before kissing her forehead. “I should go get sleep.”

He kissed her goodnight and went to the desk to see if he could keep his room until Monday.

The next day Calum slept till 10 but Eliza was already up and ready with a bagel sandwich and a coffee for him. She'd decided that since Calum had planned yesterday, and it had been expensive, that today would be the opposite.

They went to Balboa Park to explore the gardens. She only expected to be there a couple hours but the place was huge and breathtakingly beautiful. They marveled at the stunning Spanish-Moorish fountains in Alcazar Park, took pictures at the lily pond in front of the Botanical Building and delighting at the rare orchids inside. They grabbed a light lunch before heading to the carousel.

It was a gorgeous historic menagerie carousel with many animals to choose from.  Calum picked a horse but Eliza wanted the dragon. She smiled the entire ride her eyes kept wandering around taking it all in. Calum's heart was in his throat, and he couldn't stop staring. Reputation be damned, he liked this girl, and he had to make sure she knew.

The rest of the short day was spent wandering hand in hand through the Memorial Rose Garden, Calum memorizing which flowers were her favorites. Then the Japanese Friendship garden where they enjoyed strolling through authentic buildings and reading the exhibits.  He stole kisses walking down the paths before standing behind her holding her and resting his chin on top of her head while they silently watched the koi ponds.

Calum stepped back and turned her around to face him and raised his eyebrows carefully signing “want girlfriend my will.”

It took Eliza half a second to realize what Calum just asked her.

“Of course” she signed back at him beaming before raising up on her toes to kiss him.\

@wildhearthood @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @cal-puddies @biba3434 @babygirlcashton @angelbabylu @itstheholls @5sos-ficssmut @cal-pal-cuddles @calumh-excess @1dthewantedlove

[a-lbeit]

2019: a year in review

a doozy

rang in the new year at jellyrolls in orlando with a complimentary champagne toast, hats and noisemakers, and a round of “auld lang syne,” just as you’re supposed to, ending the night at steak n shake with some of the best people i’ve known. it was a traditional new years, and i couldn’t be more grateful.

watched most of my roommates go back to where they came from--australia, ohio, brazil, hawaii. it was a sad few days when i was alone in the apartment before moving to a new place, continuing on with the college program.

had a visit from my parents and aunt. it was nostalgic, in a way, and i’m so glad they were able to visit me. my aunt has already visited me out here in california, and i hope my parents can make the trip out at some point.

found out that i had been accepted to participate in the college program in disneyland. i remember opening that email at the bus stop after a morning shift at the hotel. it was unthinkable, the idea that california was on my horizon. i hadn’t been that excited about something in a long, long time. in the coming days, i remember researching driving across the country in an old and unreliable car.

finally took the free tour of the wilderness lodge. it certainly held my interest, but i took the information with a grain of salt. it’s still disney, after all.

started hanging out with katie, nicole, and estevan, the first group of people i didn’t live with that i felt close to since high school. going to the parks with them was so pure, the way i picture young people’s experiences at disney world should be like. we went to the butterfly garden at epcot, got food at the flower and garden festival, and watched happily ever after countless times. i’m not often one for that type of shit, usually, but with them, it was incredible. 

drove back to charleston on st patrick’s day to see mumford and sons with callie. that was one of the groups i’d always wanted to see, and callie is one of the best people to see a concert with. i’ve said it before, but marcus mumford is one of my favorite celebrity-type people. he seems genuine and personable.

drove back a couple days later and went to bob ross’s grave with katie

the next day, finally bit the bullet and bought a ticket to universal. katie and i had so much fun that day. it was strange being back there and seeing all the changes since i had last been on my senior trip in high school. seeing everything, especially on the universal side, that i had missed or never had time for, was far out.

had a visit from lisa and toby somewhere in there and also from my cousin

went to blizzard beach with katie and nicole

went to clearwater beach with katie, nicole, and estevan. i found $20 in the sand, we took nice photos, and blasted music in the car.

had some late night walmart and target visits with them, where nicole and i started our “hello/hi” snapchat epics. i miss those.

nicole spent a few nights at the hospital, so we visited her. we had fun, even though i know she was scared. 

went to magic kingdom on 4/20 lmfao 

went to jellyrolls one last time

was given a cupcake for my second to last day at port orleans (and for my last, as well). one of the managers was quite kind and i do appreciate her.

went to universal one last time. cracked my phone that morning lmfao. still had a great day, though. 

the last evening before moving out, katie, estevan, and i went to magic kingdom. daniel took some photos for us in front of the castle, we said goodbye to estevan, watched happily ever after, and for our last ride, attempted to go on thunder mountain. we were evacuated. what a way to end it.

despite these memories, the first part of 2019 is kind of a blur. i remember being infuriated with my workplace environment--the lack of hours, the shitty treatment of employees, particularly by one of the managers. i do not miss him and i do not miss that place. i am only thankful to have met katie, nicole, and estevan through it. port orleans riverside, and disney world in general (not disneyland, on which i will speak later) is the absolute most awful place i have ever worked. i cried in my car in the rain starting my 6 hour drive back to charleston on may 2nd to have to leave my friends, but i was overjoyed to be leaving orlando.

returned to charleston, no money in my bank account, worried about the plausibility of getting a job just for a few months before leaving for california.

saw shakey graves with callie and some others. it wasn’t the best shakey graves show i’d seen, but it was nice nonetheless.

went to folly beach for the sunrise with melissa. it was beautiful and empty, and i was even wearing a jacket in charleston in may. 

also went to the grand reopening of one of the local mcdonalds with melissa LMFAO

got a job at east bay deli and also back at the college bookstore. thank god for them.

spent the next 8-ish weeks mostly just working close to every day. i might have had 3 or 4 days off in that time. but i wouldn’t have had it any other way. i actually looked forward to the 2 days a week i got to work at the bookstore--i loved my supervisors and coworkers so much. and the deli was chill and i enjoyed my coworkers there, too. i miss them, to be honest. both of those jobs. i didn’t make much money, but it was something to enable me to get a start in california and to enjoy a couple of summer trips. 

in mid-july, rented a car and drove up to the smokies, one of new favorite summer traditions (although i’m not sure if i’ll be able to continue it this year). on the way there, i even got a new phone, making the trip even better, since i now had a battery life that lasted, gps that actually worked, and a nicer phone camera. i did some really great hikes, ones that i’d had on the back burner for a couple years. i even did 2 hikes in one day that added up to about 15 miles. that’s not really that much, but i was proud of myself. i also found myself once again at looking glass falls, feeling that this is what summer should look like. i miss that place, where everything seems simple, even though it’s not.

returned, worked for a few more days at the bookstore (with my birthday in between, a lovely day spent in edisto with my parents), and flew up to the new york area for a couple days. man, what a trip. 

after arriving at jfk, i took the airtrain into manhattan and headed uptown to finally visit the general grant mausoleum, something i had wanted to do the last couple times i had been to new york but had never had the chance to. it was beautiful to look at and fascinating to learn about. i love that the nps has so many different kinds of sites. then, i went to columbia’s wallach art gallery because i had the time to. bob dylan’s “mozambique” was part of one of the pieces. 

finally took the train down to lauren’s. it was so incredible to spend the night at her apartment and then to come back to the city with her the next day. we went to the color factory, walked around soho, got food in chinatown, and went to a drag performance, after which we met up with kai and got a late dinner in harlem. 

the next day, we walked around to a few color factory spots and parted ways at penn station. i continued on to my next airbnb in queens and went to primark to end the evening. 

went back to flushing meadows corona park, reminiscing about the paul simon concert i’d seen less than a year before and how strange it was to be back on the same soil. i explored the park in more depth. it’s such an overlooked place full of early 60s futurism. i went to paul simon’s childhood home, which is up for sale now, and got a snack at the lemon ice king of corona. on i ventured to the jamaica bay wildlife refuge, another nps site checked off my list (not that any nps site is a place to “check off.” i want to see them all because the diversity is so unique). 

that evening, i met up with ciaran. it was so cool to be able to see him for the first time since berlin. besides zuri and the people i went to school with, he’s the only person i’ve seen since that semester. i loved talking about berlin and what we’ve been up to since then.

my last day, i wandered around prospect park (at the recommendation of ciaran), went to federal hall, and finally to governor’s island where i got soaked in a rainstorm but it was all right. i ended the night with pierogi and thoughts of the coming week.

flew back and packed for the start of a different life

once again flew out of charleston for what i thought would be the last time for a while. i arrived in chicago for a nice few days before chugging out of union station.

trying to get to my airbnb on the l was an experience. lollapalooza was going on, and i arrived at my transfer station just as everyone was leaving for the night. it was packed and i ended up going in the opposite direction i needed just so that i could get on the train in the right direction before everyone else piled on. it was funny, though, even in the moment. 

it was my first time in chicago, so i started my first day at millennium park, which was honestly really cool, despite the crowds. from there, i went to the art institute, where i could have spent all my time if i had the chance. i remembered scenes from ferris bueller. 

travelled down to the university of chicago, where i toured the robie house. i think that was the first frank lloyd wright house that i’ve seen. maybe someday i’ll get to fallingwater and the like. 

more south, there’s a place called the stony island arts bank. they had on display an artist’s work who had painted a photo from each day of obama’s presidency. there were thousands of them. i loved it so much. 

my second and last day, i walked along lake michigan, visited a mexican art museum, and went to the zoo, ending the night at the navy pier gazing at the city lights. this trip was a tourist’s one, but i wouldn’t have had it any other way.

dragged my shit to union station the next morning, ready to depart on an over-two-day long train trip to the west. 

to begin with, the train left probably 2 hours late. it was all right, though. when we finally started moving, i felt it--the wheels against the track, sure, but more so the wind in mountains thousands of miles away that i would soon see. 

sunset in illinois and sunrise in nebraska, a concept

i had both seats to myself from somewhere in illinois until salt lake city. what a time to be alive.

sure, the stretch between denver and colfax might be the beautiful part, but all those plains of nebraska and eastern colorado did a number on me. 

in denver, we had about a 35 minute refuel break, so i left the train and union station and walked to a 7 eleven a few blocks away. how strange it was to be in a city i’d always heard of, but just for a few minutes. when i got back on, a man had boarded and sat in front of me that sure was a loud talker. i was thankful to be behind him rather than next to him. 

we left denver, only to be held up about a half hour later by a freight train stuck in a tunnel. the man started freaking me and the other passengers out a little--he was muttering and sort of rocking back and forth, clearly uncomfortable with the delay we were faced with. i moved to the observation car for the first time to get away from him, and boy, am i glad i did. i spent a good amount of time there for the remainder of my journey. when we were still stuck behind that freight train, the conductor came in and played someone’s guitar, leading us all in a singalong. it was pure and i’m glad i was a part of it.

after we finally got moving again, we started to see the scenery we had signed up for. apart from badlands and the black hills last year, i’d never seen the west at all. this was terrain on the level of ansel adams’s iconography. thank god for that part of the country.

to see and do this on a train made it so much more meaningful. to realize you’re looking at the path that people’s ancestors blazed through all those years ago is something else. 

a lot of utah was passed through at night, unfortunately, but from salt lake city on, we could see the alien landscapes of the state. i still can’t fully fathom its character, but i have at least a bit of an idea now. wow. 

at one point, i think in nevada, we were delayed again by a passenger needing an ambulance. i can’t even imagine what it must have been like for them. i hope everything ended up working out fine for them.

leaving out of reno and crossing the state line into california was anticlimactic but incredible. i was really in california. 

everyone ended up getting a free meal because the train was so late. at that point, it was over 6 hours behind schedule. that beef stew, mashed potatoes, and bread sure hit different when i hadn’t had substantial food since denver.

the train emptied out as time went on, and after the last sunset somewhere in the middle of california, it was just me and a few others in the observation car. trev and i had been talking for months about meeting up once i got to california, and he ended up calling me to ask if he could come to my airbnb the night i arrived in anaheim in a few days. i said yes. it remained in the back of my mind. 

we rolled in to emeryville 5 minutes before midnight, 7 hours and 45 minutes late. it was cold and i was unsure of the reliability of my airbnb host, but i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i ended up taking a lyft to the airbnb because i just couldn’t deal with waiting for or even learning the bus. my airbnb host was probably the worst i’ve ever had, and i only was able to get into the apartment complex because another resident came back and let me in, but it doesn’t matter.

i worried about transportation costs in san francisco, but i bit the bullet (as gently as i could). it’s fucking san francisco in the summertime. what else can you do?

i started everything off with a visit to the hyde street pier after taking the bus into the city from berkeley. i saw a sea lion or seal or whatever and got my first view of the golden gate. it was like nothing else. 

had in n out, since i guess it’s blasphemous not to

walked to the palace of the arts and then went to the bridge. i didn’t cross it or anything, but i walked down to the beach and admired the bay. how do places like that exist? 

climbed back up to the level of civilization and rushed over to the embarcadero to meet up with brandon. i feel so grateful that i was able to meet up with him. we walked around chinatown, had dinner, and ended the night at burger king in union square.

the next morning, i made my way to golden gate park, where outside lands was to be held later that day. i saw the windmill, the bison enclosure, strawberry hill, the aids memorial grove--a message on one of the stones said the names of two men who had “met the day humans walked on the moon”--and hippie hill. that park is full.

i thought about trev on my long walks, how i’d probably be seeing him in a little over 24 hours 

ventured into the haight-ashbury district, where i wandered around amoeba a little bit and saw the music history which has become such a piece of consumerism nowadays. i guess it always was, though.

saw a beautiful church in mission delores and looked around an alley of street art; then went up to the richy rich part of town (although i guess that’s the entirety of sf, isn’t it?) to see the painted ladies and look at everything the beat museum had to offer. that place was so fascinating.

went back to my airbnb briefly before taking the bart down to oakland to see paul simon in his pop-up show at the fox theater that he’d announced about a week beforehand. i was lucky enough to score a ticket, and even though his setlist was mostly the same from when i’d seen him twice the year before, there’s something about him that just makes me wide-eyed. 

the next day, flew out of sf and into orange county, my new home. flying down to southern california was a feeling of hope and freshness. i don’t feel it as much anymore, but it sure did make my heart jump at the time. i still couldn’t believe i was in california, seeing the pacific outside my airplane window, and that just 4 or 5 days before, i had experienced so much less in my life.

that evening, trev came over. it was certainly a day of firsts. i remember that night so well, how he kissed me good night at the end. i still like him as a friend and i’ll probably hook up with him again, but blech. cringe. i’ve changed, i think.

the next day, i moved into a new apartment to start the disney college program once again. meeting my 4 roommates, who knew what kind of shit was to happen over the next few months? i was so guarded that day, as i always am with meeting people, but especially with the self-hatred of continuing to work for disney.

in the next few days before the orientation where we get our disney IDs and entrance pass to the parks, i got settled and explored the area a little bit. i walked onto disney property, seeing the disneyland sign for the first time. it was otherworldly. i had thought about this for so many years, not just california, but disneyland specifically. it was the original, the first. seeing downtown disney, the hotels, and a few views of the parks was insane. 

the day of the orientation was like a door opening. we went on a small tour of the park. it was just me and one other guy in our group who had never been to disneyland, so we got to go out into it first. i will always remember that first second. i also learned that i would be working at autopia lmfao and i was NAWT happy. look at me now. i am so goddamn indebted to that place.

that evening, my roommates and i went into the park as guests, and i rode peter pan as my first ride. i was happy. 

went to la for the first time the next day. seeing the hollywood sign in the distance doesn’t faze me quite so much now, but that first time, wow. it’s beautiful when everything is new to you. 

went to the parks a few more times in the midst of training at auto. i met and befriended abby, greg, and alex. my second day of auto training was blake and jacob’s first. i remember meeting them and shaking their hands and discussing how we had all done a program in florida.

went to joshua tree one night with zuri, where we stargazed and saw all kinds of flora and fauna. it was beautiful, and i loved being the one to drive back at 4 in the morning through the blackened californian scenery.

the day i got signed off, i went back to la to spend the night at trev’s LMFAO, with the next morning spent at venice and santa monica. i remember feeling so grateful for my life, for california, for getting laid, for disneyland.

a few nights later, a big group of us all went out. i got drunk for the first time. i met britt then, and i got closer to blake and everyone.

in the next few weeks, i went to an angels game with abby and her roommates, went bowling with coworkers, and had a tipsy la day with abby.

then came september 11th. we were all going to go out again. after work, i went to walmart to buy vodka and strawberry lemonade. i made a detour to mcdonald’s because i wanted to eat something before getting lit. and i broke my ankle. never got to go out that night. the defining point of these past 6 months.

i sat on the ground after falling for about 20 minutes, maybe, waiting and hoping for the pain to subside. it didn’t. before the swelling started, i noticed that when i moved my left ankle, it didn’t look the same as my right one. i admitted defeat and called my roommate to drive me to the er. thank god for her. 

we sat in the er waiting room for a couple hours. my ankle hurt, but i don’t really remember it being too bad anymore. they finally saw me. i got an x-ray. the technician said it was broken. i started crying. the nurse splinted me up and gave me crutches. the doctor wrote me a recommendation for an orthopedic specialist. i fell again trying to use the crutches on the way out. they re-x-rayed me. re-splinted me. sent me home.

i somehow took a shower the next morning. blake messaged me, asking how i was. he brought me coffee and pastries. i will never forget it. 

i couldn’t get an appointment until almost a week later, but in the meantime, my roommates and i held a couple game and movie nights. abby and jacob came by, blake always made an appearance, and i met tucker.

i would start a lot of days by listening to the sigh no more album and contemplating my future. it was a low time, but not the lowest it would get.

britt and i talked a lot, comparing our experiences. i asked her a lot about medical leave. we grew closer because of it all.

when the appointment finally rolled around, i was told that i would most likely need surgery. he re-splinted it and sent me on my way, as it was still too swollen to do anything. i cried in blake’s car. 

i called my parents and they said i should come home. i was devastated, but they were right. i was going to do absolutely EVERYTHING in my power to be able to continue with my college program, though. this shit would not end me. (and it didn’t. but i didn’t know it at the time.)

a flight was booked for me to fly back to charleston on september 21st. the night before, we had a final game night with everyone. blake gave me a letter, saying not to read it until i got on the plane. hugs goodbye were tight and i felt my chest close. it was melancholic in a way i’d never felt before. 

i sat in the airport the next day trying not to cry. i was able to hold it in. then i was in the air and i finally let myself read the letter. tears escaped often throughout that entire day. i tried to be as discreet as i could. 

i reunited with my parents much sooner than i thought i would. it had only been just over a month, after all. i had an appointment that tuesday and we set up surgery for thursday. 

i was in charleston for 6 weeks exactly, one of the longest stretches of time in my life. i was constantly forlorn about california and worried about my finances and my participation in the program. the lowest point hit when one of the program people said i should consider cutting my losses and quitting, that they’d only make me pay rent through the middle of november because of my circumstances. i got a medical bill from the er in anaheim that was exponential because my insurance hadn’t gone through yet (but i didn’t realize that part). the only thing that kept me all right was the thought of my friends in california and the hope of a grandiose future, although i wasn’t too sure about that possibility. i wrote blake a letter and he wrote me back. i read east of eden and some other books. britt and i texted. rozi and i became incredibly close. i hung out with my parents and we watched queer eye. i recovered. i became better. my blind resilience (or perhaps stubbornness) was the main reasoning behind my (stupidly naïve) unwavering assuredness of a return to california. 

LMFAO at the fact that i almost forgot about this, but i texted tucker a lot during that stretch, as well. he asked me out, and we grew closer during my stint in charleston. i looked forward to hanging out with him when i got back.

and the day of my return did come. november 2nd, the most beautifully pure day of my program. i flew back with grace in my heart and stars in my eyes, even though i was still on crutches. i had a window seat and clear skies to admire the southwest, another part of the country i had never had the chance to lay eyes on. and i landed at john wayne airport to texts about my return. britt picked me up and everything seemed positive and optimistic. 

reuniting with blake was something in itself. it was brief, but it had been such a long time coming that i almost cried again. he called me a kindred spirit one time, and that is such a perfect description of what he is to me, as well. 

finally met up with tucker. we went to in n out and came back to my apartment, where we talked for a while and made out for a while. 

had an appointment less than a week later, where i was told that i could start putting weight on my ankle again. within another week, i was down to one crutch. it was freeing in a way i’d never known. by now, it was the middle of november, and i still wasn’t certain when i’d return to work, but it didn’t matter anymore. i was here, in california, surrounded by people i’d grown unfathomably close to in such a short time. 

went to the ellen show somewhere in there and had sex with tucker LMFAO. we spent a lot of time together in about three weeks (he ended up quitting the program and moving back to georgia, so our time was quite short). i had a good time, although i now realize how blinded i was by his laziness and selfishness. i don’t miss him, but i don’t regret it. 

had a photoshoot with my boot and my crutch. it was nice to be able to have fun again. 

finally returned to the parks, which was something of a homecoming, but not as much as when my aunt visited a few days later and i rode autopia for the first time since everything happened.

tucker moved out, and i cried. i roll my eyes now. i wrote him a letter and he never acknowledged it, and never texted anyone back that wished him well. fuck him.

on november 25th, the program gave us a thanksgiving dinner. after that, rozi, blake, britt, and i all wanted to do something, so blake found this place called the juke joint less than a mile away. it was the start of our close group. we would go and play pool and have a drink or two. by that point, i was down to no crutch, as well.

one night, we all went to abby’s. i got a little drunk and talked about socialism and the national park service for like half an hour.

went to medieval times lmao

it kind of became a thing for us to drag blake out of his apartment to go to juke joint. those were the days.

got cleared to go back to work on december 4th, but didn’t go back until the 13th. in that time, i chilled, tried not to spend money, and slept over at trev’s again after a fun karaoke session with zuri and her coworkers. we went to amoeba and guitar center, and i went to a book talk at the morrison hotel gallery.

one juke joint night, rozi, blake, britt, and i ended up staying out all night, driving to the top of the world in laguna to see sunrise. it started with rozi needing toilet paper, so we went to target after leaving juke joint. then we didn’t want it to end. we got tacos and donuts and we sat in a park for a while talking about life. rozi wanted to go to a view. we found the top of the world. and we drove there. there was fog and gas station snacks. i am thankful for that night and for rozi initiating it all.

went to the dcp end of program celebration and got drunk at abby’s apartment afterwards. i had a lot of fun that night. i met matheus there. 

finally went back to work on december 13th. that morning, all the program participants had an opportunity to take a photo in front of the castle, and jacob, abby, and i all posed together. at work, i felt a real sense of joy. my ankle and feet hurt by the end of the day, but the knowledge of forthcoming paychecks and a renewed sense of purpose overpowered any pain.

went to the newport boat parade

another night, rozi, blake, and i again stayed out all night after juke joint. we went back to the same park, and after a while, we said “let’s go to la.” i drove there in blake’s car, and we tried to go to griffith, but it was closed. so we went up to the start of a hollywood sign hike and looked down at the city’s lights. the juxtaposition of the natural and the man-made is really captivating. then we went to hollywood boulevard and had fries at a 24 hour burger place in the roosevelt hotel at 4 in the morning. it was beautiful. on the way back, rozi slept in the back and blake and i talked about politics and the park service, about trump’s impeachment. i called out of work and slept all day, that evening going to jacob’s housewarming party. after we left, the four of us went back to blake’s (i, at least, was crossfaded at that point lmfao) and all laid on his twin bed. 

on christmas eve, rozi, blake, and i went to california adventure and had food from the festival of the holidays. it was an incredible evening. it felt pure. 

i worked on christmas morning again, but i enjoyed myself. blake and i would fuck around, and it really made everything all right.

went out with some coworkers a few days later. we laughed and got low. 

worked a hell of a lot, trying to make up for the three months i had been out of a job

new years eve almost was anticlimactic--almost. blake, abby, and i all worked and came home together, making a stop at vons for champagne, pizza, and chips and salsa. then, i found out rozi wasn’t going to be around because she was going to spend the evening with her family. i was disheartened. new years is the only holiday i really care about, and it was about to be the start of the roaring 20s. i wanted to do something big. but it ended up being all right. i went to abby’s apartment and hung out with her roommates. blake came a bit later. we all drank together until abby and bailey decided to go to california adventure, while the rest of us decided to stay. at midnight, it ended up just being me, blake, mackenzie, and lauren, which was all right. i was drunk by that point and i don’t really remember the ball dropping, but i know it was a nice way to roll in the new year. britt came through eventually, and we went back to blake’s, but he wanted to take a smoke, so we all went outside, me in his blanket. as he smoked his cigar (of which i took a few drags, unfortunately), britt went up to this party that was happening across the way and somehow got us all in. we put his blanket back and went into the party, which is fuzzy to me. i remember eating doritos and drinking jameson lmfao. i saw rod and matty at one point. i kissed them. i don’t remember coming home, but i got to work at 8:45 the next day on time. i was still drunk, but i sure did have fun that new years morning. i laughed and joked with blake and abby. it was their last day. i almost cried when blake came up to me as he was leaving.

saw a lot of movies thanks to my cousin working at amc and giving me a card that lets me see any movie any time for free

drove a little, even in california

spent way too much money on food

thought a lot about the differences between working conditions at disney world and disneyland. i’m thankful to be in california now, where the laws give more power to employees, where i’m part of a union, where the weather is good and the people are better

counted my endless blessings. i have never been more grateful of my life.

analyzed my broken ankle. it could not have come at a better time, in all honesty. i had already met incredible people on this program and had gotten to know them a little bit, so i didn’t feel like i was on the outskirts of the program, even when i was back in south carolina. it made me grow closer to everyone somehow, and i am thankful and appreciative beyond belief for that. rozi and i probably wouldn’t be as close as we are now without it. britt and i wouldn’t have bonded over our injuries. blake and i, oh man. we would have never written each other, i probably wouldn’t have read east of eden, and we might never have formed the juke joint squad. i remember writing about how hard it was, dealing with my broken ankle, with the lack of mobility, with the impending medical bills, but that i still thought that in the future, i would think the whole thing was soft. i think that even now, just a month or so later. even with the debt, with the worry of my mobility, i am so content with how my life has developed just over these past 4 months.

laughed and cried 

missed school

listened to music in a new light, but maybe not as much as i used to

became incredibly busy, but would not have traded it for anything

looked into the aspire program with the realization that i would probably be starting the road to my master’s quite soon 

became less conflicted about working for disney. i still hate myself sometimes, but it’s a different vibe out here. it seems more genuine than in florida. 

completely embraced a life in california. i don’t really think this is where i’ll end up (although who really ever knows?), but i am so genuinely happy to be in this place for a bit--and i don’t think i’ve ever unabashedly or truly thought that about a residence before

loved the national park service, as i always do, and loved discussing it with blake

songs of the year: “timshel,” mumford and sons; “this life,” vampire weekend, “the cool, cool river,” paul simon; “count your blessings,” bing crosby. “timshel” made me think about my somehow unfaltering strength and independence, about how i have to be the source of affirmation in my own life. “this life” encapsulated the beauty of a never-ending summer. “the cool, cool river” let me remember to show weakness sometimes. and “count your blessings” is always in the back of my mind.

album of the year: norman fucking rockwell, lana del rey. that entire album was such a soundtrack for me when i was dreaming of nothing but california, of my friends, of walking. 

man, 2019. the end of a decade. the change i had been waiting for. i am a completely different person than i was even 6 months ago. the events of this year affected me unlike anything in the past. i said last year that 2018 was the most eventful year of my life, but this year was something else. and i am so unendingly grateful for the trials, tribulations, and victories that it threw at me. romance, friendship, sex, drinks, travel, financial worry, pain, and overall, an enduring lust for life have carried me through this year into a new decade, and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

the first part of 2019 was completely different than the second half, and it is wild to think about it in those terms. i’m not too sure why california changed me the way it did, but man, the people i’ve come in contact with over the past 5 months have had such an impact on my life. the relationships i formed were the newest but also somehow some of the closest ones i’ve ever had. and it’s strange to think about them, but they completely envelop my outlook on this entire year. 

i’ve been so caught up in my own life that i haven’t even touched on global events. you only have to remember a couple things to become overwhelmed by the horrors of the planet. climate change, hate crimes, poverty, war. it all blends together, honestly. i think about how the world is shitty and i just kind of close myself off from it. but there is always the occasional beautiful moment that you easily pluck from the depths of your brain to renew your hope. because even though it can constantly seem like you have lost all your hope, it is never actually gone. i think it’s impossible for hope to leave your being. that sense of longing and anticipation for an untouched tomorrow always gets me through the night. 

and sometimes, you don’t even need hope. when you’ve got this incredible entanglement of all the people you love so much surrounding you, you can just picture their faces and remember the good times you’ve had so far with them and rest assured that life just might have mercy on you, on your weary but persistent and trailblazing soul.

“maybe it’s true that we are all descended from the restless, the nervous, the criminals, the arguers and brawlers, but also the brave and independent and generous. if our ancestors had not been that, they would have stayed in their home plots in the other world and starved over the squeezed-out soil.”

[gwenore]

The Cursed Book. Chapter 5.

Chapter 5: Belle and Rumplestiltskin meet Ruby after their date. 

Summary: When Belle finds a strange book in an abandoned library she has no idea what hell it would unleash upon the small town.

The date had been… nice. Well… as nice as a date with a demon which she felt forced to go on to keep her town from being devoured could be.

It was a bit awkward… but never before had she been on a date with someone who had been so interested in what she said, listening to her as she spoke about books… which she figured what she was a safe topic.

Rumplestiltskin himself had an amazing knowledge of archaic books, Belle having to physically close her jaw when he spoke of this dimension which was one giant library inhabited by beings who travelled through worlds collecting the knowledge and books there.

Having noted her look he had offered to take her there, but she was quick to shake her head.

“Perhaps some other time,” she excused herself, but the thought lingered with her.

A grin came upon the demon’s face. “Just say the word, dearest.”

Belle found herself flustered, picking at her pasta, having not being able to stomach meat with her current company. The demon had a big pound of meat, which he, despite his smaller human form easily devoured.

He also got them dessert, the wonderful chocolate soufflé which Belle had always wanted, but had never really bought because it was too expensive.

Rumplestiltskin of course did not seem to blink at the cost. He also strangely seemed more at ease and calm when she allowed him to do things for her.

It seemed to help appease him.

After their meal they started to wander through the streets of the small town, Rumplestiltskin speaking about some of the things he had seen in his time… about the people who had managed to get a hold of his book and tried to summon him in order to control him. It didn’t… end well…

He always found it really amusing, letting out a low giggle at that.

There was even sometimes where she found herself giggling too, which only seemed to encourage him.

“Belle!”

Ruby’s voice interrupted their conversation running over as she ran.

“Ruby!” she exclaimed, feeling rather nervously as Rumplestiltskin was right there.

“Ah… seems I am interrupting something,” the waitress brushed her hair away from her face as she glanced over at Rumplestiltskin as she cocked her head. The demon answered her motion in kind, looking her up and down. Still he did not seem angry which calmed Belle somewhat.

“Oh… well we were just walking,” she tried her best to keep calm and not to let her friend know that something was off.

“Oh? I do not believe that we have met?” Ruby furrowed her brows slightly.

“Well… I just arrived in this... wonderful town,” Rumplestiltskin grinned, his smile once again a bit too wide. Ruby glanced over at Belle clearly confused why she would be with this man.

“So… how did you two know each other?” she then asked.

“We met over a book,” Rumplestiltskin answered before Belle even had a chance too.

“I cannot say I am surprised Belle would meet someone over a book,” Ruby teased her friend slightly.

“So Ruby,” Belle interrupted… not really wanting the conversation between her friend and the demon to go on too long… she dreaded the outcome would be. “Any word about Boston?”

It was honestly the first that came into mind.

“Well…” again Ruby seemed utterly confused. “I suppose I have had some second thoughts about Boston…”

Belle knew she hadn’t, this had been her dream for as long as she had known the woman.

“Oh! I think you should go to Boston, I went there once… it was great fun!” Rumplestiltskin chimed in, much to Belle’s surprise.

“Really?” Ruby asked cocking his head.

“Yes, but that was a long time ago,” he made a hand movement. “But… nice from what I can remember. Much good food.”

Belle felt her stomach turn slightly, having a feeling what sort of food he was thinking about.

“Oh, that sounds fun,” Ruby smiled.

“Yes, you should go,” he nodded slowly.

“I think I should… I mean… I have saved up for so long,” Ruby tapped her chin.

“Would be a waste not to go,” Rumplestiltskin continued.

“It would…” she still did not seem completely certain. Belle looked at Rumplestiltskin confused. What was he doing?

“Belle I am certain would love for you to have fun in Boston, you seem close after all,” the demon cocked his head slightly.

“We have been. Since she came from Australia… wait… where did you say you were from?” she then said.

“Friends are good. I am happy you two are friends,” he nodded his head. “And I come from a place which… let us just say I am very glad I am here. That place can be a bit… messy.”

He chuckled a bit at that, Belle just utterly relieved that he just did not burst out admitting that he was a demon.

“Well… you sound Scottish,” Ruby had to laugh. “Uh… sorry I did not catch your name.”

“Rum…” he was about to continue, however Belle caught him off.

“Rum… Rum Gold,” her mind blurted out, having seen the old broken down pawn store. Rumplestiltskin looked confused, but nodded his head.

“Yes… Rum Gold…” he scratched his head.

“Oh, very nice to meet you,” Ruby was clearly not certain about what she was going to think about her friend’s company.

“Very nice to meet you as well… I am happy to meet Belle’s friends,” he grinned. “But… I am certain Belle will be happy when you are happy if you start a happy life in Boston. You should do it.”

“Yes… I think I will…” Ruby smiled while nodding her head.

“Here, have some pocket money for your trip, as a going away present,” he said going through his wallet, handing her a wad of bills.

“Oh, I couldn…” Ruby stopped. “There is like a thousand bucks here…”

“Sorry, I am old, I do not know how much money is worth anymore, here have some more,” Rumplestiltskin handed her another stack of bills.

“You serious?” Ruby was clearly stunned.

Belle looked from one to the other.

“Uh… yeah… he likes to do that…” she then said. “Rum is… a millionaire he likes to do this to people. He finds the reactions amusing. Just… take the money.”

“Yes! I very much do enjoy that,” the demon agreed.

“Well… I cannot say I am in a position to turn down two thousand dollars…” Ruby stared confused at the stack of money.

“Then don’t trust me… he doesn’t need them,” Belle assured her.

“I really do not,” Rumplestiltskin was quick to agree with her.

“We should really get going though. I really do hope you get to Boston,” Belle quickly waved to her friend, Rumplestiltskin mimicking the movement, as they wandered down the street, leaving Ruby standing there in utter confusion and with a stack of money in her hand.

  Back home Belle practically fell into her couch, Rumplestiltskin wandering to the kitchen, coming out to with a cup of tea for her.

“Ruby…” she glanced over as he sat next to her. “Will she really get to Boston?”

“Yes, she will” he smiled to her. “Safe and sound… well safe from me at least…”

“Why… why did you do that?” Belle was confused.

The demon sat himself up.

“I want to make you happy. Your friend… she being safe, it would make you happy right? So… I let her go,” he explained.

“So… if I were too… be with you… would you… let the rest go?” she said.

“Well… I figured that it would be easier if we went than try to get everyone else to move, but that is possible…” he pondered a bit. “I think I could do that.”

“No, your idea is better,” she shook her head.

“I thought so. Do not worry…” he reached out his hand and gently stroked her cheek. “I promise that I have the power to make certain you are safe an happy.”

Belle hesitantly nodded her head.

“Alright… I am… thankful for what you did for me Rumplestiltskin in letting my friend go… it really does mean a lot to me,” Belle spoke softly, again figuring that it was behavior worth encouraging.

He smiled pleased, again resting at her happily.

“Always…”

Belle did not really knew what she should do next so she turned on the television, needing to fill her apartment with sound.

The demon simply rested by her side, smiling softly, caring nothing for the flashing lights and sounds, simply resting and listening intently to her steadily beating heartbeat.

The most wonderful sound in the world.

[rinistop]

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE - PART 5

Summary: With Rin leaving for Australia once again, Rin and Sousuke spend their last night together making memories. But all actions have consequences. Written for the Free Kink!meme

Rating: M

Contains: A/B/O, mating, knotting, mpreg, Alpha!Rin, Omega!Sousuke

He ended up with a little less time off than he'd previously thought and spent most of it in Iwatobi with Gou and his mother, feeling guilty that he hadn't done so much before, and dropped in on his underclassmen at Samezuka who were excited about his progress. A whole day was prioritised for Nagisa and Rei as well. He gave himself three days in Tokyo and met Haru and Makoto first. He saw Haru a lot in swim meets and competitions anyway, racing each other more often than not; and they had a group chat that they keep in regular contact with, but he hadn't seen Makoto since the end of school and he missed that sincere and unassuming presence.

Tokyo had been good to Makoto, who had never given himself enough credit for his own strength and ability. But it seemed he'd come to some sort of acceptance of himself, seemed more confident than the last time Rin had seen him and it made him happy to see that.

He met Kisumi next, in a teaming student hang-out that took him an embarrassingly long time to find. Kisumi steered him to the bar immediately, waving away his apologies for being late with a teasing, "Well, I was beginning to think you were standing me up, since you're usually so punctual - but you made it, after all! Now I don't have to go home and nurse a broken heart!"

Rin huffed a laugh, sheepish. "Yeah, well, I may have wandered the wrong way from the station - Tokyo can be kind of confusing and the map on my phone took a while to figure it out."

"Ha! Tell me about it - I spent my first month here glued to my map and only just made it in time for half my lectures. At the risk of sounding like a country bumpkin - coming from Iwatobi, the city can be really…distracting." He waved down someone behind the bar who he seemed to know well enough that he could ask for two sodas with minimal communication.

"Ugh, so distracting - the smell of food is the worst. I really miss Japanese food and everything around here smells like home. They have us on a really strict diet and it's fine most of the time, but sometimes I just crave other food. Nutritionally useless starchy carb food." Rin smacked some notes down on the counter before there could be any quibble over it and Kisumi rolled his eyes at him, but let him pay with a shrug.

"I think I know what you're talking about - Makoto is always complaining to me that Haru is always complaining to him about the strict diet. And every time he does it, I start craving the biggest bowl of ramen - but I've only given in three times, so far! How's that for self control?!"

Rin laughed and looked at him thoughtfully, turning to lean against the bar-top. "Do you meet up with Makoto often then? We try to vid-call every so often, but I have to admit I haven't been that great with that lately."

Kisumi looked uncharacteristically serious then, eyes seeming a little faraway. "Well, it's just…we used to be such good friends, you know. And then with you moving away and us all going to different schools, we all lost touch. But - it's going to sound kind of stupid saying it out loud," he smiled a little bashfully, "it kind of felt like a second chance I shouldn't waste when we ran into each other again, Makoto being my little brother's swimming coach and then the summer fair with you guys. So I try to make it a point to meet up."

And that was something Rin could understand very well - a lesson he'd learned the hard way after all. It was with a wry smile that he agreed, "Yeah, I know that feeling. It doesn't sound stupid at all."

In the ensuing silence he could feel Kisumi's eyes on him, appraising, and braced himself for what he knew was coming.

"You know…I see Sousuke a lot too."

And there it was. But in a roundabout way, Rin had been hoping Kisumi would broach the subject first, because he still felt…conflicted was probably the simplest way to put it. He pulled his backpack around to unzip it and reach inside. It also meant he didn't have to look at Kisumi's face.

"Hey, uh, when you go see him next - would you give him something from me? It's nothing big, just-"

Kisumi's hand over his stopped Rin from pulling his package out. When he looked up, Kisumi's eyes were endlessly kind.

"I'm going to see him tomorrow to drop off some books for entrance exam prep. Come with me." He must have seen the indecision on Rin's face, because he carried on. "You're still friends, right? I don't know what happened between you two, but I know he's missed you."

His fingers clenched once around the package, crinkling the wrapping a little before he let it go and pulled his hand out of his bag.

"Yeah. Yeah, ok."

--

It wasn't that Rin was unfamiliar with nervousness necessarily, but standing outside the blue front door of Sousuke's home while Kisumi rang the bell had him shuffling awkwardly wondering what he would do when it opened. Their last conversation hadn't exactly left them on the best of terms and they hadn't spoken since. And he'd been mean, which bothered him the most.

He stiffened at the sound of movement from within, the click of the latch an anxious sound to his ears. And then the door opened and that achingly familiar face was revealed, blue eyes widening at the sight of him, and Rin could feel all the thoughts in his head scattering like dust in the wind because. Somehow. Rin always seemed to forget how much the sight of him felt like home.

"Hey."

It wasn't until Kisumi cleared his throat, somewhat awkwardly, that Rin realised they'd been staring: drinking in the sight of each other after months of silence. His eyes dropped then, taking in the curve of Sousuke's belly that made his state obvious. And suddenly it felt painful, a lurch in his chest that Rin swallowed down as Sousuke moved to let them in.

"Uh, sorry, the place is kind of a mess. I've been studying is all so…." Sousuke led them into a cosy living room, couches turned inward toward a coffee table that was littered with textbooks and sheets of notes in his familiar chicken-scratch scrawl. It made Rin think of their dorm, of homework after a long training session with mellow music to accompany the scratch of their pens and their own murmured talk. God, why did that hurt?

Beside him, Kisumi was seated and making himself comfortable, so Rin sat too. When Sousuke took a seat across from him, he found his eyes repeatedly drawn to the bump, involuntarily, and try as he might, words escaped him. He was grateful when Kisumi filled the silence, placing some textbooks on the already full table and cheerfully warning Sousuke of his upcoming trials and which components of the entrance exams he'd found particularly difficult, with grumbles about the pointlessness of some of it in return.

It gave Rin time to compose himself a little before he could start contributing to the conversation, chatting about anything and everything  until there was a comfortable lull. Sousuke excuses himself to use the bathroom and wanders further into the building, shuffling through the kitchen to put the kettle on to boil on his way through.

"He's really having a baby." Rin said it with mild surprise, not sure what his surprise was for. "It's really…."

"Hm?" Kisumi turned, with questioning eyes.

"I couldn't imagine having a baby now, you know? I feel way too young. And to tell the truth, it kind of scares me to think about. But Sousuke's going to have a kid - a few months and he's going to be a parent. That's a whole different level and I've got to admit I've been struggling to process it. I didn't even know he wanted that."

"Yeah…I guess I know what you mean. All of that seems a little far off to get to, yeah? Strange to see someone our age jump up the ladder so much already. But I think Sousuke can do it, even it's hard to study and raise a kid at the same time."

"Oh, definitely. Nobody works as hard as Sousuke when he's set his mind on something and he wants to succeed. He'll do great whatever he decides on, I know that. Must be one hell of a guy, though."

"Huhh?"

"Have you met him?"

"Have I met who?"

Sousuke came back in then, holding a carefully balanced tray of drinks and snacks and a look on his face that suggested he was trying to be nonchalant about the fact that he hadn't brought them sooner. He'd never been that good at following ettiquette, but more out of carelessness than because he was rude. He set the tray down, asking, "What are you talking about?"

"I was just wondering - do I get to meet the lucky guy you've chosen to be with? Is he here?" They were best friends, after all - introducing your boyfriend to your best friend was as important as having them meeting your parents, right?

"Uh…no. He's at university at Kyoto still." Sousuke didn't seem to want to look at him, perhaps feeling awkward about the subject.

"Oh. What's his name - you never told me." Rin couldn't help but press. He knew absolutely nothing about the man he'd lost to. And he needed to make it not-awkward.

"Ah, I didn't, did I? His name is Watanabe Ryuu. He was my senior on the swim team - had the smoothest breaststroke I'd ever seen - and he really looked after me when I hurt my shoulder. I didn't fully appreciate it at the time."

He looked a little lost at that, in remembering something painful, and that wasn't what Rin was trying to do. So he left it there. Where before they might have known exactly how to work around the edges of each other's sensitivities (or bulldoze over them, as the case may be), now he wasn't sure what was acceptable. That night had changed their dynamic and then his news had changed it again and Rin felt cautious now. So he turned to rummage in his bag and pull out a slightly awkwardly, but neatly, wrapped package, which he pushed into Sousuke's hands.

"I, uh, didn't know how much stuff you needed or what you already have, so I got you something - it's nothing much. Lori helped me pick it out…."

Russell and Lori were the only ones he'd told about Sousuke. They'd figured out he was upset about something when he'd cancelled on their weekly dinner and insisted, in that gentle but firm way they had, that whatever it was gave no worth to avoiding them. They hadn't pressed him on it though, just waited. He'd been feeling hurt and angry and confused about why he felt that way and also that he had no right to feel that way at all. Without talking to them, he wasn't sure he would have found his way out of that confusing mire of emotion for a while yet. But it had been Russell, straightforward as always, who had reminded him that, at the core of it all, he still cared deeply about Sousuke and didn't want to stop being friends.

Sousuke was careful opening the package, peeling back the tape to reveal the bundle inside: a little hooded towel with an embroidered kangaroo face on the crest and a little quilted cloth toy in the shape of a koala. He picked it up with soft hands, gingerly running his fingers over the soft cloth. His head was down, but his voice was full of something Rin couldn't quite figure out when he spoke.

"Oh, this is really…it means a lot. Thanks, Rin. I'll use it in the hospital."

Which meant it would be the first thing the baby would ever use. And that was one hell of an honour. Rin felt something in him loosen then - like an assurance of…something. Not something he could figure out then and there, but it was bittersweet and comforting all at once. Perhaps a realisation that they held a special place in each other's heart that wasn't capable of being replaced - which was kind of a kicker, if you thought about it, really. But there was not point dwelling on that now, when there was nothing to do about it.

Whatever their relationship was now, they would work it out.

---

When Rin left a little while later, Sousuke thought he could honestly say he felt like a wrung out dishcloth.  Emotionally, anyway. He'd had to work hard to keep them under control  around Rin, especially when he'd seen the present he'd given. He sagged into the sofa as soon as he'd closed the door, rubbing his hands over his face as he leaned back into the cushions.

"Soooo…Watanabe Ryuu, huh?"

Shit. He forgot that Kisumi was still there, and that he didn't know either. But there was no way he knew who he was talking about. He rolled his head away and bit his lip. "Uh, yeah."

"Does this Watanabe Ryuu happen to have a younger sister - about our age, really tall, voleyball player, named Riko?"

That was strangely specific and also eerily on the mark. Which meant nothing good for Sousuke. He turned to look at Kisumi, sitting a little straighter, mind whirring as he tried to figure out what to say. For his part, Kisumi only stared guilelessly back.

"We're on the same course and we've become pretty good friends." He shrugged, something in the quirk of his lips that Sousuke would poke at later. "And she hasn't said anything about becoming an Aunty, though admittedly it wouldn't be any of my business to tell it to, but…. It's not Watanabe Ryuu, is it?"

Sousuke could only stare at him, lips pressed tight, caught in his lie. Kisumi was smart enough to put the pieces together by himself, and it was looking like he already had.

Kisumi took a deep breath. "It's Rin's, isn't it? And he doesn't know."

"Don't tell him." He clenched his jaw, stubborn, waiting for Kisumi to tell him all the reasons why he should.

"No, I guess I understand why you haven’t told him." Kisumi sounded thoughtful as he said, but the words knocked the wind out Sousuke's sails easily. Just like that, all the fight drained out of him. "It's kind of a sucky situation, though, huh?"

"…Yeah," Sousuke sagged back against the couch once more, head hanging over the back. "But. I don't know…."

"Hey, you know, I had my suspicions for a while, but when you said Ryuu, it just confirmed it. Does he know you're telling people he's the father of your child?"

"No. I don't tell anyone anything about it, if I can help it. Maybe I should just tell everyone it's you from now on."

"Ha! That'd be hilarious. But I'm here for you, ok? If you need a buffer, I'll be it." He rocked sideways to nudge Sousuke with his shoulder, trying to shake the melancholy look off Sousuke's face. But there was something wistful and distant there, that seemed to have caught him.

"Kind of wish it was you, right now. It'd be easier." The words were quietly spoken, a little sad and defeated.

"Sousuke…shall I take that as a love confession?"

And that seemed to have done the trick, his voice deliberately light and teasing to get the reaction he wanted out of Sousuke. Wide eyes, laughter.

"Pfft, you wish!"

---------

I just realised I only posted this on AO3 and not here, so I am rectifying that - I hate an incomplete archive! 

[lostquickies]

Dear Emily, this one time a plane crashed on an island.

You’ve seen this episode, and I think most of the first season, because I made you watch it with me before you gave up. But I’m going to start from the beginning because I’m sure you don’t remember. 

So the first thing we see is an eye. I won’t normally get this detailed because that seems like a lot of work, but this show has a THING about eyes. 

The eye belongs to Jack. Jack has awoken in a jungle, obviously extremely upset and not really knowing where he is, and he is wearing a suit. There are cuts on his face, and he’s pretty dirty. And there is a golden lab running around the jungle. Already, this is pretty weird. He runs through the jungle, because he’s freaking out, and when he reaches the beach, oh shit there’s half a plane out there, and people are screaming and things are on FIRE. Probably some people are dead. 

Jack starts helping people: He pulls a guy out from some wreckage, talks to a pregnant woman who’s having contractions, saves a woman who wasn’t breathing, and wrangles other people to start helping also. 

One of the engines blows up, and pieces of the plane start falling everywhere. If I was on this beach I would probably be shitting my pants. The beach sucks anyway; too much sand.

Jack scavenges around for medicine of some type in the wreckage, and then goes off by himself to remove his clothing. Just kidding. I mean, he does do that, but it’s because he has a big bleeding cut on his back and he’s trying to fix it up all by his lonesome. A woman in a white shirt (rubbing her wrists) wanders by and he enlists her help to stitch him up. At this point we learn Jack is a doctor. The woman, Kate, agrees to help.

Now it’s time to meet more people! 

A man named Sayid is making a fire, and he asks Charlie (aka Merry the Hobbit) to help him gather wood. The black woman Jack saved earlier is kissing her wedding ring and crying. Other people who are clearly going to be named characters are wandering around, distraught. 

Kate finishes sewing up Jack. He tells her a story about being afraid while doing spinal surgery, but honestly it seems like something you won’t care about at all so let’s move on. They’re bonding, is the point. 

One of the Lostaways is painting her toenails. She’s the one who was screaming on the beach earlier:

She seems SUPER pleasant and not at all shallow. Her name is Shannon, and she seems to know the hot dummy who was trying to save the black lady earlier, before Jack stepped in. All of them seem to think they are going to be rescued pretty soon. She mentions the plane’s black box.

The guy with the long curly hair is passing out airplane meals, and gives a double portion to the pregnant woman. There is a Korean couple speaking in Korean, and a black man with his young son, Walt. Jack goes around checking people’s injuries, including a man Kate says was sitting next to her on the plane; he has a piece of wreckage sticking out of his side. She asks if he’s going to live.

Jack and Kate talk about the crash. Kate was awake for the whole thing, including the tail section breaking away. Jack passed out. They don’t know where the tail ended up, but talk about trying to find the cockpit and setting up a rescue signal. Kate says if he goes looking for it, she’s going with him. 

At this point they hear an extremely loud and bizarre noise coming from the jungle, and everybody freaks out. This noise is indescribable. It makes the jungle move. “Terrific,” says Charlie.

FIRST FLASHBACK! What a momentous occasion. I want you to know I normally skip this scene when I watch because it deeply disturbs me, but I will watch it for you. 

We are on Oceanic Flight 815. Jack is sitting in a row by himself, and a flight attendant comes by, flirts with him, and gives him free booze (which he used later as anesthesia and disinfectant for his wound). Charlie runs up the aisle, pursued by another flight attendant, and Rose (the woman Jack saves on the beach) makes a joke about him really having to go. The plane begins to shake with turbulence. Just as Jack is comforting her (her husband is in the bathroom), things go absolutely not well at all, the plane is shaking, people fly into the air, it’s loud, and all the oxygen masks drop. 

This is exactly what I picture happening every time I get on an airplane.

Kate and Jack prepare to go look for the cockpit. Kate steals more appropriate shoes from one of the dead people, and while she’s doing so, a man stares at her, and then creepily smiles, revealing an orange inside his mouth. Like, what the fuck.

He’s so happy! Why is he so happy? Everything is terrible. 

The Lostaways discuss the NOISE. They all agree it sounded unnatural. Hurley, the one with the big hair, suggests they do something with the bodies in the fuselage, and Jack comes by, saying he’s going to look for the cockpit. Charlie volunteers to come with. 

Charlie knows Kate recognizes him, but she can’t figure out from where. He starts singing “You All Everybody,” and tells her that’s his band, Drive Shaft. He plays bass. We have a celebrity on the island! 

It starts to rain pretty abruptly. And heavily. Everyone except the orange smile man runs for cover. He’s still inexplicably enjoying himself. The jungle moves again. 

After a pretty short search, Kate, Charlie and Jack find the cockpit. And hey, who is aboard but the pilot, Greg Grunberg, who will never be anything for me other than Sean from Felicity. The cockpit has landed vertically, so they have to climb up it to find him, and when they finally reach it, Greg Grunberg scares the shit out of them, because they think he’s dead but he’s not. We learn, because Jack tells the pilot, that there are at least 48 survivors, and it’s been 16 hours since the crash. The pilot tells Jack that six hours in, the radio went out, and nobody could see the plane. They turned back to land in Fiji, but hit turbulence when they were more than 1,000 miles off course. “They’re looking for us in the wrong place.”

(Meanwhile Charlie mysteriously disappears to the bathroom and won’t tell them why he was in there.)

Just when you think they’re going to rescue this poor pilot, the source of the NOISE turns up and kills the pilot. The other three barely escape with the transceiver. They run as fast as they can back through the rain towards the beach, as they are clearly being pursued by . . . whatever it is. They become separated.

Kate starts crying and screams, for the very first time, “JACK!”

Charlie and Kate find each other, but they’ve lost Jack. With the rain stopped, they go back to look for him. They find the pilot’s wings half buried in the mud, and his body resting high up in the branches of a tree. Jack is there, having found him first. None of them saw the monster. The pilot’s body is COVERED in blood, and his face is all mangled. “How does something like that happen?” asks Charlie. My boy, who the fuck knows.

[cut to credits, end of part one]

Transceiver received, they head back to the beach. Charlie tells Kate he was puking in the bathroom, but he’s obviously lying. 

SECOND FLASHBACK!

Charlie is on the plane, and he’s jittery. His fingers and rings tap on the arm rest. He’s clearly not okay. He sees the flight attendant talking to someone, and clearly thinks she’s reporting him for something. He heads for the bathroom, and she follows him. That’s when the turbulence starts, and he makes it to a bathroom at the front of the plane. There he pulls out some COCAINE from his shoe, and snorts it. High as balls, he ignores the crew, who are knocking on the door. He hides the rest of it in the toilet, and that’s when the plane starts to go down. SO: obviously he was in the bathroom to get his drugs from the turlet. He runs back to his seat and we cut back to the beach where Shannon is SUNBATHING.

She still thinks they are about to be rescued, and everyone is wasting their time. The pregnant woman asks if the young man is her boyfriend, and she says he’s her brother, Boone. So the dummy Jack helped earlier has a name. The pregnant woman is from Australia. She is worried, because she hasn’t felt her baby move since yesterday.

The black man approaches the Korean couple on the beach. He asks if they’ve seen his son, but they seem to only speak Korean. The husband orders his wife to button up her shirt and is clearly acting like a possessive, controlling dick. I really hated him for a long time after this first episode. 

Walt, meanwhile, is looking for his dog, Vincent, the same dog who was running around in the first scene, and who has been creepily popping up from corners throughout the rest of the episode. Walt doesn’t find Vincent, but he does find a pair of handcuffs just lying on the ground. (Why they thought it was a good idea to have a young kid on a show set on an island is beyond me. He was always going to age too fast.) Walt’s dad is very freaked by the handcuffs. (A lot of this show is people just being freaked out by something or other.)

Back on the beach, Sayid and the sleazy looking dirtbag who’s been wandering around rather menacingly since the crash are in a fight. Jack and Walt’s dad pull them apart. Turns out he IS a sleazy dirtbag, because the fight started when he accused Sayid (who is Middle Eastern) of crashing the plane. (Keep in mind this show aired only three years after 9/11.) 

Kate calls bullshit on all of it by asking if someone can help get the transceiver working (Sayid thinks he can), but dirtbag isn’t happy about that. When Hurley says they’re all in this together, dirtbag calls him “lardo” and everyone else immediately dislikes the dirtbag who didn’t already. Okay, this is Sawyer. I’m tired of typing dirtbag, and also Sawyer is my favorite character. That probably seems weird now but trust me, he has layers. (Your favorite character would probably be the monster, or the dog. Maybe Claire, the pregnant lady, for some reason, I don’t know why.)

Notably, when Boone asks Jack if there were any survivors in the cockpit, he says no, conveniently eliding the existence of the pilot who was murdered by the monster. I believe this is our first instance of characters purposely holding back information from each other. Huzzah.

Sayid says the battery is good, but the radio is dead. He says he’ll need time to see if he can fix it. 

Hurley and Sayid commiserate about what a jackass Sawyer is, and they bond, and it’s pretty cute. We learn that Sayid was a military communications officer who fought in the Gulf War, except on the other side. 

Okay so just now I was in the middle of being amused by Kate’s 2004 pants (baggy, totally non-flattering jeans) when I noticed that Sayid has a really long thumbnail and now I’m super grossed out. Oh my god I want to unsee it. Cut your nails, Sayid! A plane crash is no excuse for that! You’ve been growing it for weeks!

Anyway, he suggests they try getting a signal from as high a ground as possible, which means they’re going on another hike.

(The man with the shrapnel in his side is still unconscious, and Jack is thinking about operating since it’s clear they’re not going to be rescued soon enough to matter.)

So Jack isn’t going on the hike because he’s gonna be a doctor. He tells Kate that if she sees anything ANYTHING (aka the monster), she should RUN.

The Korean couple are eating weird raw seafood I think he caught, and when he walks away, she sort of glares at his back and defiantly unbuttons her top button. In this moment, I love her.

Walt’s dad finds Walt reading a comic, in Spanish, and asks him some questions that make it clear they don’t actually know each other that well. He’s basically the most clueless person; he offers to get the kid a new dog. Dude, dogs are people’s best friends, their children. You don’t offer to get the kid a new best friend just a day after he’s lost the old one. What the hell is wrong with you? The kid isn’t into it, either. He rolls his eyes, gets up, and walks away (the leash is still in his hand). 

Charlie does some drugs. (It actually looks like it might not be cocaine; it’s too beige?) 

Meanwhile, Shannon does have a heart. She’s upset that the guy who wouldn’t let them sit in first class probably saved their lives. She and Boone have a fight that prompts her to join the hike, to prove that she’s not useless. 

Speaking of people who have secret human feelings, Sawyer sits on a piece of wreckage and sadly reads a letter he had in his pocket. This will be important for later.

Sawyer also joins the hike! This leads to one of my favorite Sawyer lines. “I’m a complex guy, sweetheart.” It’s better when he says it though.

So if you are keeping track: Kate, Charlie, Sayid, Sawyer, Shannon, and Boone are headed upwards to try and see if they can get a signal.

While Jack preps for surgery (and tells Walt’s dad he saw the dog in the jungle the day before), the orange smile man is still being a weirdo, sitting on the beach playing backgammon. He and Walt have an Important Conversation. We learn that Walt’s mom died a couple of weeks ago, which explains why he’s now with his dad, who he barely knows. Orange man (whose name is Locke) tells Walt about backgammon, how it’s the oldest game in the world: “Two players, two sides, one is light, one is dark.” He also asks Walt if he wants to know a secret, but then the scene cuts away.

I should mention, while all this has been going on, the Korean man has been trying to offer his fellow castaways raw seafood, and they are all really not into it. Hurley laughs him off, but Claire takes a piece. She does not like it, but her baby starts kicking again, and she freaks the man out by holding his hand to her stomach, and he basically runs away from her.

Then a polar bear runs towards the hikers. They all run away except Sawyer, who it turns out has a gun, and he shoots the bear dead.

WHY is there a polar bear on the island?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sawyer tells everyone he got the gun off a U.S. Marshall who was on the plane, and shows them the badge he took, too (because he thought it was cool). Sayid then accuses Sawyer of knowing there was a U.S. Marshall on the plane because he was the one the Marshall was escorting. If you are keeping track, don’t forget about those empty handcuffs! Kate pulls the gun on Sawyer, and then Sayid talks her through dismantling it. Sawyer creepily hits on Kate. He’s so gross sometimes.

P.S. Kate is upset now! I wonder why.

THIRD FLASHBACK.

Kate is on the plane. She’s sitting next to the man with the shrapnel in his gut (except, you know, before he had the shrapnel in his gut). Basically, he’s the U.S. Marshall, and Kate was the one wearing the handcuffs. I genuinely forgot we found out this early. Turbulence! Kate grabs the cuff keys out of his pocket. Crash! Boom. 

Oh, oh no. We actually see the plane break off. Oh, god. That’s nightmare fuel. I hate it so much.

So back on the Island, the Marshall wakes up mid-surgery. I’m glad that isn’t one of my fears, because that scene would have been super horrifying otherwise.

All right, last scene.The hikers have reached high enough ground to try for a signal. Only, when they turn the transceiver on, they find they can’t make any transmissions, because somebody close by already is. They listen to the message, which is in French and is repeating. Based on the countdown on the message, Sayid calculates that the message has been playing for 16 years and 5 months. Here is the what it says:

“I'm alone now. Uhm . . . On the Island alone. Please, someone come. The others, they're . . . they're dead. I-it killed them. I-it killed them all.“

Charlie says, “Guys, where are we?”

[credits]

So future posts probably won’t be this long, I don’t think. We’ll see. I wanted to do a detailed post for the first two episodes (which is the Pilot) because it sets up all the characters and the weirdness of the Island. I may combine several episodes into one post in the future, depending on how much happens. Earlier episodes will probably be more detailed, since we’ll know less about the characters, and this show is all about the characters. I’m pretty sure a lot of season two will be condensed. I remember it being the least interesting season.

Love from,

Ashley

[jfastereft]

"A TRINITY OF EASTER BONNETS* - FOR THE NEWLY RESURRECTED!?"  Easter Sunday: April 21, 2019 [Monday!   in Australia!!]

 "NO, IT'S NOT!" a poem  a.k.a.: "You Mean It's NOT Halloween?  Oh, That's Why!"

 "'No, it's-NOT-Halloween!-It's-EASTER!!'    "Oh, sorry, that-must-be-why,

There-hasn't-been much spooky-candy  in-The-Store, as-I've-wandered-by,

And Dracula's teeth (generally-a-good-seller) are-half-price-off-on sale,

While little Bunny-People-are-out, wig-gl-ing their tail[s]!

And The Zombie Crawl's unusual, for it's-being done with a cross!

Dang! I-really-missed-it-this-year! But it's-not a total loss!?

 Yet, it-explains-a-lot, for, in October, when-I-really-thought-it-was-Easter,

I got no eggs-and-one-girl-was-annoyed, when-I-taped-a-tail-on-her-keister,

But, eventually, she-dressed as a bunny      and shook it pretty well!

Dang it!  Yeah!  I-wonder - if I will go to H - L L -

For mixing-up these holidays, in such an-unrighteous-fashion!

I've missed the candy, and now my dandy     costume     I-can't-cash-in!!

 So, I-better-get-t'-thinkin'-'bout going to Church, [early] Sunday morning,

When Jesus was tri-um-phant, as-a-vampire, without warning!

LIVE FOREVER, BUT DON'T BITE TWICE,

'CAUSE YOU-ONLY-LIVE          FOREVER!           So-try-and-be-nice!

 THEY-say HE-had-some-candy though, when-he-came-out-from-The-Tomb,

But no one would approach-eth Him!  We're-so-cautious-from-the-womb,

Afraid that we might just-get-"bit," turned-into-Deathless-" Folk!"

They-all-thought-The-Resurrection [Thing]      must-be a-media-joke!

 Y'-know, just like Mich[ael] Jackson,     That Guy could really sing!

And-a-a-rou-ound-Hal-lo-ween,    He-was-The-Trick-or-Treatin'-King!**

 fin   <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYac9O3GYTM

* - or is that Sonnets?

** - King-Of-The-Chew, The Candy Chew, with-Chocolate-Mashes-and-lic-or-ice;

And He was real great at parties!  One word, Sweetheart: "FOOT-FE-TISH!"

  "THE WAY!" a poem, a.k.a.: "Party Hardy If You Want Your Lordy, Lordy To Wakey-Wakey!"  

 HE's risen!!   Dang, He's UP AGAIN,

Walking here, amongst all men!

'Tis-no "party trick," for The Son's Arisen!

The rock is rolled! It's-a-ROCK-&-ROLL-vision!

As Jesus Christ (That Guy's Alive),

As He steps from the tomb, He "takes a dive,"

In-the-flowers       over there,

And-when-He-looks-up,       there's HER stare!!

 With His face all dirty - and stinky too,

She sees Him there, &-says: "What-did-you-do,

With-My-Lord,     you garden-er?!"

And Jesus sees [that] He-can-fool-her?

 "Well, yes!" He lies; "I'm-the-land-scrape-designer,

But I did see Your Lord, OFF his recliner,

Walking-over-there - and-saying GOOD BYE!"

(But This Girl can-see The Glint in His eye!!)

 Since-Jesus-is-a-lousy-liar, She knew it was Him!

"Oh, Lord, [you're] such a kidder!"  and, although-proper-&-prim,

She-made-a-run-for-Him, and-He-said: "HOLD ON!

You've-got-[on]-your-"Sunday-Best," and-I'm-covered-with-lawn!

So, don't touch me now; I'll clean up pretty soon,

But - JUST GO-TO EVERYONE, & WE'LL FLY TO THE MOON!"

 "Well-NOW, take you time, Lord!  Everyone's mostly in jail!

They were celebrating YOUR WAKE!  I-will go-get bail!"

 Anyway!  That girl wasn't actually MARY!  Her-name was: Dory,*

(I just thought you-might be interested in getting The True[r] Story!)

 Anyway, eventually, Jesus DID "clean up" and He did realize,

WHY HE AROSE!!!   This-here's a big surprise!

You-see, it was REALLY because of the drunken orgy wake,

Because they all were drinking - and SHOUTING, for Goodness' sake,

And Jesus, dead and sleeping, must-have-heard-something-like this:

"A WAKE!  A WAKE!" and-it-must-have-filled-Him-with-[such]-bliss,

To-know-{that}-everyone-wanted-Him-to-wake-up, come-out-[of]-The-Tomb-&-party!

Strange, but true:     IF YOU-HAVE-A-WAKE, BE REAL HARDY,

For your exuberance can be infectious - and even wake The Dead!!!

And I got this from A REAL GOOD SOURCE!  It's-what-an-"ancient-text"-said!

 [And I've ALSO got some REAL-QUALITY, residential property, a-Florida-estate,

Nestled in some once-wet-land, and the-scenery is GREAT!

We can ALL live there, praising The Lord each day,

And PARTY HARDY, Lordy, Lordy!   It-is: THE JESUS WAY!         :) - Hooray!  OK?

 fin <3

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_krpSi8o1Qw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Lu41LulQos

* - Keep on swimmin'!

  "NO APOLOGIES NECESSARY!"  a poem   Easter Sunday!!

 That's right! Complainers love-to-complain, and-coughers-love-to-cough!

Another-Easter-Time-arrives where JESUS-WOULD-LOVE TO-GET-OFF,

Being-hung-UP-on-that-pole [AGAIN!] spending (I imagine) too-much time,

Suffering      and bleeding,         so churches-can-celebrate-and-pine,          

And think-about-and-focus-on           Their-Crucified-Lord, again,

Crying into their "GIVING cups," lamenting all their sin!

 We-are-the-soldiers, as before,    pulling-the-garment-of-The-Lord,

And we PLAY FOR IT - and laugh and sing, and hope we can afford,

A-lot-of-drinks, at-our-favorite-pubs, when we exchange THE garment;

Let's take our helmets from-these-spears - and plunge-[them]-into-this-varmit!

 With swords and shields and spears -        Let's have a bloody, good time,

And, if we're lucky, at the local bars,   we'll-commit-a-little-crime!

Some rapes and mutilations! Perhaps, a-young-girl-can-be-"groomed!"

I just-love-another-Sweet, Sweet Easter,   especially-as-HE-lies-"entombed!"

 And, then, after all the rapes and murders, we'll [REALLY]-celebrate-The-Season!

SUNDAY MORNING SURFACES! and things are calm!  The reason?

Every-one's passed-out or dead, but few of them are "giving!"  

And here comes Jesus, out-of-The-Tomb, Yes, sir!  He's really LIVING,

The-Good-Life, and-a-once again, He greets His friend named "Mary,

and He says (for-the-2000th-time), "I beg you, Friends; don't tarry!

FOR, I'VE DEFEATED 'SATAN,'       & I ' M PUTTING-HIS-FEAR-AWAY!

This is IT!  Welcome, Everyone!  to-a GLORIOUS, BRAND NEW DAY!

Where NOW there is no need to suffer!  You-don't-have-to any-more!"

He tells all this - to-the Disciples,    but Satan      will just snore,

Knowing that he's surely got - [another] 3 hundred, sixty five,

Days-to-convince EVERYONE(?) that-ANOTHER-Easter's-not-no-"jive,"

That-is THE WAY! The-Way-Of-The-World,    Of-This World of HIS:

"[Let's] just-keep-re-enacting  the-same-old    [liturgical]-Show-Biz!!!"

Until THE BLOODY END OF TIME - or-until someone gets wise,

Declaring-this,   that: "Heavenly existence       is HERE, before our eyes!"

 We need-not keep a-spinning - the same old Ritual Wheel,

For Jesus has declared [triumphant?]  His-ancient "Brave New Deal!"

We just need     to accept it,    and stop-all-this   being fooled,

BUT!!  We-DO love celebration SO MUCH     - and of-being-RULED,

By systems-of-government, and-medicine - and, of course, pompous-religion!

CAN'T WE DISCOVER? Let's open our eyes: THE DOVE IS JUST A PIGEON!

And-haven't-we-been-"pigeons," My Friends!  PIGEONS!? long enough?

Turning-over ALL our lives     to Demons, who-love-to "bluff,"

And say [that] They're "in charge - and they've got a REAL GOOD plan,

IT'S: THE SACRED! Yes, THE-sacred-STATUS QUO,   for-ev-ery  girl and man!

And - Let's just keep-on going -             down the same old road!"

 Will-we-always-bow-to-temptation?                You-know, we're often told:

"That PROS-PER-ITY (whatever THAT is)     is JUST AROUND THE CORNER!" Why-don't-we-stop and look-'round-there,     but NOT as some, poor mourner!

 Yet [everyone's-shouting] "No!    (pause) There-must-be-more-we-must-DO!"

 No, NOTHING MORE! just-NO-APOLOGIES, for-liking-to-EAT-&-S - R - W!*

 So, anyway!  Happy Easter AGAIN!  It's almost 6 A. M.!

Which is - time-to-eat-and-get-dressed-up - and-to-practice-another-AMEN!

And-when-you-go-to-church-and-sit-in-your-P'EW, counting-blessings in your life,

Remember, that   each-GOOD-Nazi         sat-with-his-good wife,

And they would sit there and worship -     for as many Easter morns,

As The World would allow!         While angels blew their horns!!    

 YET, HERE, DEAR FRIENDS, I DON'T SUGGEST - that-you-skip-Church-today,

But-you-should-know, It's-a-social-convenience!  So weigh what they-all-say!

TAKE GOOD ADVICE - and apply it,         with-what "free will" you got,

But don't buy in - to politics!   For LOVE's what Jesus sought!          :) - Happy Easter!

 fin  <3

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-ayuqk8Y20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=686k9qcmzkw

 * - Of course, now-The-Bible    don't say much -   'bout Jesus and the ladies,

But-He-ate-a-lot, for-THEY-called-Him-"A-Glutton," &-He-surely-did-like-babies!!

[ogwivia]

Want You Back- Youngblood Stories 1

{This is a set of original stories by Olivia Franklin. Each one is inspired by a song off the album Youngblood. I hope you enjoy, and if you have ideas for the other stories please let me know}

Here you sat, an unopened letter in front of you. It had your name written on it in that handwriting you had grown to know and love; he had even drawn a little heart beside it. How ironic that he would put this in a letter, after all, a letter is what started your relationship.  Here you sat, trying to make yourself open it; but you were so afraid of what it might contain. As you sit there contemplating, your mind wanders back through everything that has happened over the past couple weeks.

When you woke to the sound of your alarm blaring on the bedside table, your first thoughts were not happy. You laid there for a few moments trying to gain your bearings and muster up the will to be awake. Then, suddenly, your brain remembered why the alarm was going off and you quickly shot up out of the bed. Your boyfriend Luke had called a couple days earlier to ask if you would go watch the sunrise with him; mornings are something you absolutely despise, but he makes it all worth it.

You quickly get up, throw on some sweatpants and your favorite t-shirt adorned with roses, brush your teeth, wash your face, then head downstairs to await Luke’s arrival. This outfit did not make you look super cute, but this was Luke. You could show up wearing a trash bag and he would say you deserve to be walking the red carpet at the Met Gala.

He pulls up to your house and you quickly jump into the car. You are reminded why you love this man so much when you see that he is also adorning sweatpants and a t-shirt. He gives you a quick kiss on the cheek and you to drive away, bound for the mountains.

When you get up to the top of the mountain, Luke lays out a blanket. He lays down and pulls you into his arms, all is as it should be. You find yourself wishing this moment could never end; everything was perfect.

“Hey, I want to tell you something”, Luke says breaking the silence.

“Okay”, you respond, a little nervous about what is coming next.

“I love you”

As you snap back to the present for one moment, you find this memory has brought a tear to your eye. You wish more than anything in the world you could go back and tell yourself to just say it back to him, but at that moment you couldn’t. You wanted to say it, so badly you did, but because of your past, you couldn’t make the words come out of your mouth. Your brain then painfully continues the memory.

“Luke I-“

“You what”

“You’re so sweet, but I-“

The expression in his eyes changed to one of deep hurt, you could see it in his eyes.

“Don’t you love me too?”

This question pained me so much. He knew you did, he knew the answer to this question.

“Luke, I’m sorry I just can’t. I’m not ready yet, you know why I can’t”

“I can’t believe this”

“Luke I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m trying to be over it, I really am. I just need a little bit more time.”

“It’s been three months, when is going to be enough time? Am I just supposed to wait forever for you to be ready?”

He rolled over releasing you from his arms. You tried to hold the tears back, but you couldn’t. His words broke your heart. You laid there silently as the sun slowly began to creep above the mountains, but you found no joy in this scenery.

Snapping back to the present, your eye makeup is now completely smeared on your face. You clutch the letter so tightly that you are not sure how it didn’t disintegrate between your fingers. Why, why couldn’t you have just said it back to him that day; three simple words that could’ve saved you a world of hurt. Your sorrow suddenly turns to anger as you remember why you couldn’t make the words come out of your mouth. Your mind takes you back to another memory, three months before the day of your mountain trip to be exact.

Your parents died when you were very young and none of your family members would take you in, because of this you were sent to a group home. They did their best to care for you, but you never felt very special or loved. You spent most of your childhood trying to prove you were worth something, afraid that no one would ever love or want you. After all, if your own family didn’t want you, why would anyone else? You spent your whole life dreaming of the day you turned 18 and could move out, but for now, you were stuck here; you had no choice but to make the best of it.

You were so desperate to feel loved and wanted that you took the first offer that came along. Darren seemed like a knight in shining armor to you when you first met him during your freshman year of high school. You were so desperate to be loved and wanted that you let him treat you like trash. But you stayed, you stayed because you feared if you ever left that you would be alone forever. Eventually, your mind began to wonder if this was what love was all about. You were only 6 months old when your parents passed away, so you had no idea what real love looked like.  At some point, you began to accept that you were stuck, he was probably right, no one else could ever love someone as broken as you.

This was it, this was why you couldn’t say those three words back to Luke. You loved him with all your heart but growing up your mind had been trained to think love meant something very different. When you finally got away from Darren, you made a vow that you wouldn’t say those words again until they meant something again.

When you were seven, the girl’s home you lived in took a trip to Australia; this was where you met Luke. Being so young, you thought of him as a playmate and nothing more. You and Luke played together on the beach almost every day. At the week’s end, you two exchanged addresses and promised to write each other frequently.

You two did your very best to keep in touch and became great friends through the years. Now the little boy you met on the beach was grown up and touring the world with his three best friends. Around the time you began dating Darren, the two of you lost contact. He was busy touring and you were busy trying to graduate high school. After a while, you gave up any hope of expecting a letter and figured Luke had moved on with his life and left you. Goodbye was all you had ever known, so why would you expect this to be any different.

After breaking up with Darren, you ran all the way back to the group home, not knowing what to do or how to handle your emotions. After composing yourself again, you decided you needed to do something, anything! You were not sure what made you do it, but you decided to sit and write a letter to Luke. He always seemed to know how to cheer you up, but would he even reply? Would he even care? It didn’t matter, you had to try.

Looking back now, you are so glad you wrote that letter that day.

A couple of weeks later you received a reply from Luke with tickets to his concert in your town. You went, saw him, and the rest was history. You guys exchanged numbers and from then on phone calls and facetime were a nightly occurrence. After a few weeks of talking, Luke asked you if you would be interested in starting a relationship. At first, you were hesitant, after everything that happened was it a good idea to do this again? Despite your worries, you agreed. Agreeing to be his girlfriend was the best decision you ever made.

Life was so amazing and simple back then, why did that all have to change. Your mind snaps back to that fateful day in the mountains.

You had never seen Luke so upset before, it hurt you to see him this way. The ride home was silent and torturous. He kept his eyes glued to the road, never looking at you. Once you were dropped off at your house, he sped away. As soon as you got in the door your heart shattered; to make matter even worse, it had just began raining. ‘

Through the tears, you heard your doorbell rang; you pulled yourself together and went to answer it.

“Luke”, you said with a mix of confusion and sorrow, “what are you doing here”

“We need to talk”

“Yea, we do”

“I love you, with all of my heart, but I can’t wait around forever for you to be ready to love me back”

“Luke, you know why I can’t say it, I’ve told you a million times why I can’t say. I thought you understood, I thought you were okay with that.”

“I was okay, I really was, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point. You should be over it, it’s time to move on with your life”

“Luke how could you even say that”

“Wait I- I shouldn’t have said that I-“

“You know, I thought you were different. I opened my heart again, which took a lot out of me, and I thought you would protect it and care for it.  I thought you were different, but you’re not. I get it, I get it that I’m broken and come with a lot of baggage; but why can’t you just help me carry it until I’m ready to let go.”

There is dead silence, and in that silence, made one of the worst decisions of my life.

“Luke, I don’t think this is ever going to work. I’m not ready to move on and you can’t wait any longer.

Maybe we weren’t meant to be together, maybe this a sign. I- I think you should go”

You stood there waiting for him to say something, anything, but no words came out of his mouth. It seemed as if you were going to explode in tears, but you held back. Without another word, a teary-eyed Luke walked back to his car and left.

Now here you were, two torturous months later, staring at this letter in your hand. Over the past two months, you had done nothing but cry. You could muster up the courage to take down the picture of you and Luke, yet every time you stared at them, your heart shattered a little bit more. You missed him so much that it caused you physical pain, but at the same time, you knew you still weren’t ready to say those three fateful words.

The main thought crossing your mind was that Luke deserved to be with some who could say that to him, someone who wasn’t so broken.

He deserved someone who wasn’t you.

You fully expected to never hear from him again, after everything you said why would he ever want you back?

You had finally accepted that you would be alone forever.

Then you checked the mail this morning. In it were bills, a couple magazines, and the letter you now held in your hand. You had just begun to move on, maybe it would be better not to read it.

No, no. This was not how the story was going to end. Gathering up every bit of courage you had left, you opened the letter and began reading.

My love,

I know a letter from me is probably the last thing you were expecting, but I figured maybe the best way to get my message across would be to take you back to something familiar. I need to tell you that I messed up, I messed up and I am so sorry.

Everything that happened that day replays in my mind like an old song with a catchy tune. Except this song is full of lyrics that I don’t want to hear, they remind me of how badly I messed up. I think of you every single day, and with each one that passes, I miss you a little bit more. All the memories flash through my mind at a million miles a minute.

I try to move on, I really do.

But then I remember the freckles on your back and the way that I used to make you laugh. Every morning I wake up I still reach for you. I remember the roses that were on your shirt when you told me this would never work. You know even when I say I’ve moved on, even though I know that you’re gone, all I think about is where I went wrong.

I still dream for you.

No matter where I go, I’m always gonna want you back. No matter how long you’re gone, I’m always gonna want you back. I know, you know I will never get over you. You are my light, my life my all. I had no right to demand you move on faster. I know you love me, I truly do.

So here I sit writing to tell you that I messed up badly, but I’m asking for a second chance. A second chance to be the support system you need, a second chance to love you. If you’re not ready to say you love me that is okay because you are worth every single second I will wait to hear those words come out of your mouth.

Love Always,

Luke

 You stood there in stunned silence for a moment while your brain processed the words you just read. Could it really be true? After all that had happened could he really want you back?

It was the last words, the last words that got to you the most.

“You are worth every single second I will wait”

When you read the words, you could feel every wall your heart had built up shatter into a million pieces. The tears streaming down your face turned from those of sadness to those of joy.

Without even a second thought, you quickly ran to your phone and dialed the number you knew by heart.

Ring, ring

“Hey! I’ve been waiting for you to call.”

“Luke I-“

“Did you get my letter? I’m guessing you got my letter, or you wouldn’t have called me. Anyway, I’m so, so sorry and I-“

“Luke…”

You take a deep breath before uttering the next words, it’s time, you’re ready.

“I love you”

[little-drop-of-water]

Will & Lady Tree Chapter 1

So, this is a story I’ve been attempting to to write since...forever and I finally managed to wirte something decent. I wrote it first in spanish, then translated it to english and I’m glad with how it turned out. So I’m posting it here in the hopes someone will read it, maybe even like it, I don’t know, here goes nothing.

    Will ran towards the low wall in front of him, his next move was all he had in mind. He leaped forward, reached the wall with both hands and then pushed himself even further only with his arms.

    He stretched his body in the air; then kept his arms fully extended in front of him while bending his legs up.  He reached another low wall and placed both hands on top. Using the leap’s momentum, he moved his legs down, between his arms, without touching the wall and landed on grass. He kept running until he was able to stop a few feet away from the second wall.

    As soon as he stopped, his friends greeted him with cheers and applause.

“That’s how you do a Double Kong!” exclaimed Andrew “Awesome!” He said as he pat Will’s back.

“Thanks, man.” Replied Will returning the pat on his friend’s back.

“How long did you take to master that?” asked Paul.

“Three to four days” answered Will “For the basic move, of course” added immediately. Then he spent a few moments humming and looking at the distance in thought. “I think it took me about a month in total,” he finally replied, “I started at the gym with mats and gradually increased the distance between obstacles until I reached ten feet. This is the first time I do it on grass and I still don’t dare to do it on concrete or asphalt.”

“Do you think I’ll be able to do it soon?” asked Paul.

“Bad idea,” said Andrew “you’ve been doing this parkour thing for barely two months.”

“You could break a bone” added Will “And how would you practice then?”

“Well, I could brag about getting a broken bone while attempting a Double Kong.” said Paul, and everyone laughed.

“That’s not how it works” answered Andrew, shaking his head while grinning.

“I would rather brag about the Double Kong instead of a failed attempt.” said Will, still giggling.

    His phone rang then. There was an unknown number with Egeoworl’s area code on the screen. The only ones from that town that used to call him were his parents. The few friends he had there preferred to use more discrete methods to get in touch with him.  

    So it was probably mom or dad calling to let him know they changed their number. Will answered the phone, still smiling over what Paul said.

“Hello”

“William?” asked an old man’s voice at the other side of the line.

He wasn’t expecting that.

“Hugh? Hi. How are you?”

“Will I – have to talk to you.”

    There was something different about Hugh’s voice, a kind of tiredness Will didn’t remember. The family’s former gardener was an old man, true, but his voice had always been strong and clear. This was the first time he sounded according to his age.

“It’s about your parents” he continued. His voice was not only tired, there was also sadness in it;         suddenly, Will felt as if he had a hole in his stomach. When he was finally able to speak, his voice came out as nothing but a whisper.

“What is it?” he asked.

“They were coming back from visiting some friends” the old man answered “Their plane crashed against a cliff – I’m sorry” his voice was also a whisper at the end.

    The call must have ended at some point, because he could no longer hear Hugh’s voice on the other side. He must look awful, since his friends approached him with concern and he should have told them something, because both of them hugged him tight. But he couldn’t quite tell what was going on. If human beings had an auto pilot, Will’s had turned on that very moment.

    Paul and Andrew walked him to his apartment; they helped him contact the rest of his family to inform them what happened and made tea while Will booked the soonest flight available to Egeoworl. When they left, they told him he could count on them for anything.

    Will could barely look at them in the face while muttering a husky “Thank you”. He tried to smile, but suddenly his face was too heavy to move, or so he felt.

    He packed, had some dinner, tried to sleep and next morning took a taxi to the airport. He never cried, he never even sobbed. As far as Will knew, he was also dead.

    Sounds came to him muffled, distant. And even if he couldn’t say he saw everything in shades of gray, colors did seem duller and shadows were darker and deeper. It was as if a veil covered him, separating him from the rest of the world.

    Maybe that’s what mourning was. When a loved one dies, you die with them too and sooner or later you are reborn. While you remain “dead”, you are so numb you can’t feel anything; the pain actually comes when the rebirth begins, for now you understand you must continue your life without a loved one.

    Will was still “dead” and didn’t know when he will be reborn. He wasn’t eagerly expecting it either. In that state he did things automatically and not being fully present, right. But that was better than being invaded by feelings, at least for the moment. Plus, it was convenient.

    He had over thirty hours of journey ahead and three connection flights in two different continents. He would leave London on an autumn Thursday and arrive at Egeoworl on a spring Saturday. Being “dead” would at least allow him to think and not make stupid mistakes. It would also give him the chance to go unnoticed.

    Inside Heathrow Airport his looks could easily mix with those of the thousands of sleep deprived and tired travelers wandering through the corridors and stores or sitting in waiting rooms until their flights took off. He would have more time than enough to cry in Egeoworl.

    He took his first flight, listened some music, dozed, ate; he fell fully asleep at some point and when he woke up they were about to land. He waited a few hours in the second airport doing pretty much the same he did during the flight.

    Every time he had to move he felt heavy, as if he was asleep or paralyzed and someone else was moving him like a string puppet. It was amidst the Indic Ocean, on his way to Australia that the rebirth began.        

    Will woke up from one of many naps and felt something forming deep inside him. It started in his mind, stomach and heart at the same time. He suddenly needed to scream. But things wouldn’t end up well if he did it in the middle of a flight, so he went back to sleep. The scream, or whatever that was, wouldn’t come out if he was unconscious… right?

    That worked the first two or three times but the scream became more powerful as hours went by. It soon invaded him completely; it was all he could think of and all he could feel. He spent the rest of the flight writhing desperately on his seat.

    As soon as he came out of the plane, he ran to the nearest bathroom and threw up. Than seemed to stop the rebirth process for a while. Back to his living dead state, Will carried on with the journey. He would remain that way until the end.

    He waited God knows how many hours on that Australian airport and finally took his last international flight. After some more hours of flight and a couple of hours in yet another waiting room, Will was boarding the small aircraft that would take him to St. Nicholas Island, where Egeoworl was located. It was the same type of aircraft in which his parents died.

    The aircraft started shaking as they flew over the ocean. Turbulence was common on that region, as well as storms and fog banks. Technology made flights and ferry trips safer but traveling to St. Nicholas Island had always been dangerous.

    They were about to land when Will saw the island’s cliffs and the accident site: It was surrounded by police tape and the area’s vegetation was nothing but pieces of coal. The crash was so intense that chunks of cliff fell onto the ocean.

    Will stared that cliff area from his window; he couldn’t take his eyes off it no matter how hard he tried. His parents died there and, by what he saw, it had been awful.

    When the aircraft came to a full stop all passengers went down to the landing track. Will noticed immediately the typical salty scent in the island’s air and took a deep breath; he would get used to in within a few days and no longer perceive it.

    Once inside the building, the passengers gathered around the only conveyor belt and waited for their luggage. It was then that Will was able to look at them in detail. They all looked just like him or worse: numb, exhausted and devastated. All of them wore black and none seemed to be fully present. They were all living dead, exactly like Will.

    There was a woman in front of him at the other side of the belt; her eyes were teary and reddened. She looked almost like his high school History teacher, who, if he remembered correctly, had an identic twin living in Auckland – oh shit.

    The woman looked at him and burst into tears. Will remained in silence and lowered his head; his eyes now stung as they filled with tears. They didn’t know each other but there was no need. The conveyor belt started working at that moment. The sound shook Will, making him blink, scaring the tears away, only if for a while.

    Luckily, his luggage was the first to come out. As soon as he grabbed it, he left that room as fast as he could. Will noticed the board next to the main entrance door on his way out; it was normally used for unimportant notices but this was not the case. This time there was a text on the board which read:

The people of Egeoworl are deeply saddened by the event that took place on November 19th. Our condolences go to the families of the victims.

O’Connor

Jones

Turner

Wood

Arbor

Smith

Brown

Krueger

Ríos

    He froze right there and then; his last name was not on the list. What was he expecting? He was in Egeoworl after all. Will started shaking from head to toe; he clenched his teeth until his jaw hurt; gripped his luggage tightly until his knuckles went white and began sobbing without shedding a tear until his face turned red.

“They are so inconsiderate” Said a woman behind him.

“I can think of a word worse than that” Answered Will; choking on anger.

“I’m sure you can think of several, in fact”

    Will turned around and met a woman about seventy years old. The lady was tall and stood straight; she wore all black, her clothes were covered in cat’s hair and from her came a scent of fresh herbs that Will could smell from where he was standing.

“Hi Mrs. Smith” said Will “Who in your family –

“My grandson, Edward” the woman interrupted “He started college at Wellington and forgot some things while moving out. He was coming to pick them up” she finished with a trembling whisper.

“I’m sorry” was all Will could say.

“Thank you” answered Mrs. Smith with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes “Are you the only member of your family who’s coming?”

    Will nodded in silence. Then Mrs. Smith rummaged in her purse and took some white plastic pieces from it, they were board letters.

“I have one just like this at home” she said, nodding towards the board “A smaller one, of course, but it comes with different sized letters.”

    Will’s heart shattered like glass. Mrs. Smith handed him the letters and pointed her gaze to the board once more.

“Go ahead” she said “They won’t dare to take it off. I wanted to add your last name since I saw the notice yesterday, but it’s way better if you do it.”  

    Will clutched the letters in his hands and headed towards the board; there was an empty space right at the bottom.  He began placing the letters one by one: C, I, L, T, H. There were tears in his eyes by the time he finished writing his last name. He stepped back to take a look at the notice; it seemed as if it had been written that way since the beginning.

    He read the text once more. Then tears streamed down his face and there was nothing he could do to stop them; he began to sob again, so hard this time he stopped breathing at all and his heart pounded against his chest so violently it hurt. William Cilth was finally reborn and it didn’t feel as bad as he’d imagine. It was infinitely worse.

[thestraggletag]

Still Waters, a May Day Menagerie Fic

Giftee: @little-inkstone

Prompt: Rumbelle + aquatic creature (I chose a Kelpie)

Summary: There’s a horse at the Mills Stables, a bony, pitiful creature with sad eyes Belle cannot help but feel drawn to. Coincidentally she feels the same way about Mr Gold, whose eyes are also melancholic, and the same startling hazel shade.

Rating: M for sex and gore.

AN: Surprise, @little-inkstone! Though you must have figured it out it is I, your... secret Zookeeper! I hope you enjoy this story. The ending fought be like a bitch, but I managed to subdue it. Sorry for the lateness of the delivery!

Tagging @maydaymenagerie for reasons.

Belle knew she was lucky. She was hardly the first person to even have to take up a second job because her first one wasn't enough to pay the bills. At least she loved both her jobs. She had always wanted to be a librarian, had always wanted to work surrounded by books. But she also loved horses, both passions inherited from her mother, so it wasn't hard for her to sacrifice her weekends and her free afternoons to work as a stable hand at the one local stable, owned by Henry Mills. As far as she knew horse-raising wasn't what accounted for the family's lavish lifestyle, but rather an exorbitant hobby, a status symbol. Cora Mills, who rumour had it had come from nothing, was an adept social climber and considered horse-riding something his daughter, Regina, needed to learn to earn her place in society. It also appeared to have the bonus of keeping the girl happy, which in turn made her less likely to fight her mother when she made decisions of her.

Belle wasn't very interested in the details, or in having anything at all to do with the Mills. But the pay was good, her boss, Daniel, was nice, and being near horses again- she hadn't had much contact with horses ever since they'd left Australia- felt good, even if the work was hard and the demands high. Daniel ran a tight ship but was kind and had a real love for the animals, which Belle was grateful for. The horses were well-kept and well-behaved, always closely monitored by the vet, specially the two polo ponies, one American and the other Argentinian. Belle took to both of them immediately, given their gentle nature. She particularly enjoyed braiding their tails before a game, since she felt both horses enjoyed the pampering.

Besides the polo ponies and two show jumpers there was a thoroughbred called Rocinante, a gorgeous chestnut that Regina Mills herself was personally training for dressage, and some older horses kept mostly for breeding. At the back, though, almost hidden away, was a box stall she hadn't noticed at first. It was unkempt, since no one seemed to be in charge of cleaning it, and housed a rather strange horse. Average in size but powerfully built, though too thin to appear healthy. It was black, with the strangest whiskey-coloured eyes she'd ever seen on a horse, and a long, matted mane. He looked close to emaciated but when she took her concerns to Daniel he surprisingly shrugged her off.

"I felt the same when I started out here, and it still doesn't sit well with me that we aren't allowed to care for the horse, but I can guarantee you the bastard's not gonna die. He's looked pretty much that way for years. Hell, I'm not even sure how old it is, but it's probably the oldest horse any of us has ever seen. It's strange, but I don't question it. Mrs Mills takes care of him herself, or so she says. Can't say I've seen her around here much, but the old boy's being kept alive somehow. And he's got enough strength to be a pain in the ass."

The horse had a foul temper, and was prone to acts of malice, though it seemed incongruous to describe a horse's actions in such a way. He wasn't just violent, there was a sort of rationality to his thinking that unnerved her. He wasn't simply destructive or ill-behaved, there was a level of cunning to his actions, something Belle couldn't quite put into words.

And as much as that did terrify her, it wasn't enough to diminish the pity she felt for the creature, malnourished and unloved as he was. He cut a pathetic figure most of the time, listless and isolated, his ribs prominent and most of his neck and muzzle covered by his matted hair. His eyes reflected a sort of sadness that made her think of when she'd lost her mom to cancer and her dad had retreated into himself, unable to cope. It'd damaged their relationship forever and had filled her with a deep-seated loneliness she had never quite managed to shake off. The horse had the same look she'd seen in the mirror often back then, and could still see now, sometimes.

It was that what made her reach out, at first with small bits of food. Though some horses, like the two polo ponies, were under a strict diet, she was allowed to give others small snacks, mostly apples- the Mills had an orchard, which made them plentiful around the stables. She tried at first to tentatively feed the stallion pieces of apple from her hand, but he reared back, often hitting the door of the stall, exactly where she leaned against. Though the floor of his stall was mucky and the straw dirty she had no choice but to drop the apple slices, hoping he'd eat them out of the floor if he refused to do so out of her hand. Though he never touched the red apples the horse did devour the green apple slices, which Belle counted as her first win.

Sometimes the stallion was out of the stables. Daniel told her Mrs Mills would sometimes fetch him early in the morning to let him out for a bit, though he was never out in the paddock. Apparently, due to his hostility, he was taken to some other paddock deep in the Mill's property, where Belle hoped he could at least enjoy some fresh air and graze. The stable was calmer in his absence, most of the horses seeming to relax visibly without him there. They were all docile animals, used to the company of each other and the presence of strange horses when they were taken to competitions or matches. But, for some reason, they were terrified of the old stallion, often cowering in a corner of their stalls whenever he'd pitch a fit for some perceived slight or the other.

It was during one of those quiet days that Belle first saw Mr Gold. She'd heard of him before, both in Storybrooke and around the stable, but even though lots of people had mentioned him to her she soon realised there was little that people actually knew about the man. Everyone spoke about him as if he'd always lived in Storybrooke, but his distinctive Scottish accent indicated he must have moved in at some point, though no one remembered, not even Granny, who'd lived all her life in the small town.

His vague origins added an extra layer of mystery to an already mysterious man. His accent wasn't the only thing to set him apart, his three-piece suits, long hair and cane also helped make him unique amongst the usual small-town dwellers. He was soft-spoken but there was an undercurrent of menace to him, something that made it easy for Belle to believe he was as dangerous as rumour had it. Whenever she saw him it was usually from a distance, Mrs Mills draped around one of his arms in a rather possessive way. He was an impeccable, impenetrable figure next to her, usually sneering, looking supremely bored.

She'd thought he had him all figured out at first. Someone nasty, like Cora was, likely amoral since it was pretty clear he was carrying on with Mrs Mill behind Mr Mills’ back, unfeeling and greedy. He owned most of Storybrooke, including the land the Mills used as their own, and was known for being unforgiving when it came to the rent or his deals. Whenever he was out with Mrs Mills he acted as if everyone was beneath his notice, as if he barely noticed people. What made Belle the most uneasy, though, was how the horses acted around him. If he approached any of their stalls they'd get strangely nervous and fidgety, and if he remained nearby they'd have to be removed, lest they hurt themselves. Belle was a firm believer in horses’ ability to judge character, which added to Mr Gold's dangerous aura.

But almost against her will she began to see another side of him, the more she randomly ran into him. She didn't know exactly when that started happening, but she couldn't say she was particularly displeased. For all his nefarious reputation and shady relationship to her boss Mr Gold was cultured and sharp, with the sort of dark sense of humour she preferred. And he was, for the most part, all bark and no bite, at least with her and specially once she began laughing at his darker remarks.

He was a lonely soul, she soon discovered, which perhaps accounted for why he intrigued her so. She was lonely too, after all, no longer a stranger new to Storybrooke like she'd been years ago but still a bit of an outsider. The horses helped, which meant she quickly got into the habit of taking a book with her to the stables and reading during breaks or once she was off the clock. She'd wander around the forested area surrounding the Mill's property- well, Gold's, apparently- and pick a spot to sit down and read. Mr Gold came across her sporadically, at first, still pristine-looking in his pressed suits and shined shoes even in the middle of the woods, but soon it became a ritual of sorts. Somehow, for whatever reason, she'd bump into Gold at least once a week, but oftentimes more, and they'd trade quips and sometimes talk about the book she was reading.

She discovered Mr Gold was extremely well-versed in classic literature, even obscure titles she had been pretty sure no one else had heard of in boring little Storybrooke. Of modern literature, however, he had no idea, so she got into the habit of loudly telling him when she'd leave a book in the stables instead of taking it home. He'd use a piece of braided leather to mark his spot, a sort of faded strip that seemed ancient and smelt faintly of something water-y. For some reason instinct told her not to tell anyone, to hide away her small interactions with Mr Gold away in the woods, save from the eyes and ears of Mrs Mills. She even made sure to keep her encounters from Daniel, who was, thankfully, a little too distracted with Regina Mills to notice anything.

It was around the time she began to low-key share her books with Gold that she made progress with the stallion, being able to approach his stall without him slamming the door in warning and feeding him apples from the palm of her hand. Up close the horse was even more imposing and pathetic at the same time, with protruding ribs, sunken eyes and what appeared to be a big iron ring on his right back leg. The skin around the ring looked red and angry, and the horse did not completely rest the hoof on the floor, as if it'd pain him to do so. When she mentioned wanting to remove it to Daniel, however, he told her not to bother.

"I took the issue up with Mrs Mills years ago, she told me on no uncertain terms that I was not to remove the ring. Of course, I tried to anyway, thing looks rusted over and like it's causing a considerable amount of pain, but was unable to. Believe me, I tried every which way. Thing just wouldn't budge. Horse seems fine with it, other than the limp, no infections or anything like that, so I just live it alone. I know it feels wrong, but there's nothing you can do."

Cora Mills wasn't a horsewoman. She could barely tolerate the stench and feel of the stables, and didn't go near any of the many horses kept there. Yet she seemed almost obsessed with the old stallion, and guarded him jealously, while at the same time doing little in the way of grooming or caring for it, to the point that oftentimes Belle would spend close to an hour finger-combing the horse's mane, removing brittle pieces of greenery and undoing what felt like ages-old knots. The horse would nuzzle against her hands in gratitude, some spark of something returning to his dull eyes. Whatever Mrs Mills did in the stables at night- Daniel had warned her against working late, telling her it was strictly forbidden- when she was supposed to be taking care of the animal was a mystery to her, because it was plain as day that there was no actual caring taking place, the neglect etched into every visible part of the animal.

That particular mystery was revealed to her one night, when she discovered she'd forgotten her keys back at the Mills’ and rushed to the stables to get them. The employee's changing rooms- Mrs Mills was a stickler for cleanliness and would not allow any of the stable hands anywhere close to her own home- where right next to the stables, which was how she was able to hear the strange thumping sounds. Hoping to be able to catch Mrs Mills actually abusing the stallion, anything concrete that would allow her to get the attention of someone other than the Sheriff's department, that would not take her animal abuse claims seriously- she crept close to the doors of the stable and pried one open just enough to see inside. The moon was full, providing enough light to see into the stables. She noticed right away that one of the wide wooden benches, which were usually kept on the very back, covered by horse blankets and an assortment of grooming supplies and bridles and saddles taken from their perch to be cleaned or delivered back to the tack room at a later time had been moved to the middle of the stables, covered by a bright red horse blanket she'd never seen anyone use, the sort of thing that seemed too luxurious and delicate to throw over an animal. There was someone lying on the bench, stark-naked, arms grasping the sides of it. She recognised the silver-streaked soft brown hair and the crooked nose before she even became aware of the other person in the room, sitting astride the first body, moving in an unmistakable fashion. Even without seeing her face there was no mistaken that auburn-tinted hair, nor those blood-red nails, digging painfully into the skin of the prone figure. It was Cora Mills, completely naked as well, looking like the years had been more than kind to her. It wasn't Mr Mills bellow her, perhaps indulging some fetish or secret pleasure of his wife, but Mr Gold. His eyes were closed, head thrown back and an expression the hovered between disgust and bliss on his usually blank face. He had scratches on his side, blood looking black as it seemed from them, and yet he was making no move to pull Cora's claws away from his exposed flesh, nor did he do anything to stop her as she rode him mercilessly.

She took a couple of steps back, almost forgetting to stay quiet. There was a nauseous sense of betrayal threatening to choke her, though she knew she had no right to it. If there was someone who was deserving of such a feeling was poor Mr Mills, kind as a lamb and likely completely unaware of the sordid little arrangement, tucked into bed thinking his wife might be revising some contracts or perhaps taking a long hot bath. And though she liked Mr Mills, liked his kind eyes, his even kinder words and the affection with which he showered his one and only daughter, Belle couldn't say she felt betrayed in his name. Whatever she was feeling was personal, in a way she had no right to. Underneath it, though, there was something else, a sense of wrongness that had nothing to do with what she might have thought was growing between herself and the older man. Something that disturbed her and she couldn't quite pinpoint how or why.

Cora's shrill cries of pleasure turned her attention almost in spite of herself back to the inside of the stables. Unable to look elsewhere her eyes became glued to Mr Gold's face, caught somewhere between pain and pleasure. Finally, he tipped his head back, lips parting to soundlessly whisper something before he came. It was just a small word, five letters that she couldn't even be sure he'd mouthed, but they shocked her into painful awareness, allowing her to silently slip away from the stables and back home as fast as her legs could carry her.

Belle. He's said Belle.

It was inevitable for things to get awkward after that, even after Belle spent an entire weekend trying to rationally convince herself nothing that she had seen was any of her business and she had no right getting offended by Mrs Mills and Mr Gold's extracurricular activities. In a way it confirmed rumours that she'd heard before, so it shouldn't even have shocked her all that much. But in spite of all that she still found herself spending less time reading in the forest, nursing some hurt feelings she wasn't really entitled to. Inevitably Mr Gold noticed and pull back, widening the distance between them that had shrunk so fast the last couple of months. It left Belle feeling petty and miserable, which in turn made her grouchy and less than welcoming.

So, what if Mr Gold had opened up to her about a few things, told her about his favourite spot, a cabin hidden in the woods, next to a river? So, what if he'd told her how it reminded him of the cottage he'd been brought up in, under the loving care of two doting aunts? His confidences didn't really give her right to be jealous or feel betrayed. And at the back of her head something niggled, some sort of revelation she couldn't quite consciously grasp yet and it bothered her. There was a certain sense of urgency attached to it that made her uneasy. The horses, bright and sensitive as they were, could tell, and they became increasingly skittish around her. The old stallion, on the other hand, became quiet and taciturn, reluctant to be tempted by her apples or her offering of pettings.

So, when she had the first dream, she attached it all to her unstable emotional state and the shock of what she'd seen. The dream itself was fussy and unclear at first, mostly the feeling of slippery scales under her fingertips and the sensation of someone smiling against the skin of her hip, pointed teeth scraping her there. But as time passed the dream became more and more defined. She began to hear sounds and see glimpses of colour, flashes of images that finally coalesced into the form of a man, tough not a traditional one. He had skin that shifted from green to grey to gold, scaly in texture, and claws. His face was hidden from her, though she sometimes caught glimpses of his golden eyes in the dark, watching her avidly.

She was always naked in her dreams, though she didn't know she knew that, but it never made her feel vulnerable or defenceless. Sometimes he'd simply watch her from the shadows, though other times he'd pet her hair, sinking his claws into it with obvious relish. And other times he was all over her, teeth and hands and skin groping, biting and sliding against every part of her he could reach. Though somehow, she knew her phantom lover was dangerous she did not fear him in her dreams, not even when he gripped her hips tight, claws sinking into her skin, or when held her arms up above her head in a vicious grip as he fucked her. Far from becoming frightened or submissive her dream self was just as savage, if not more. She bit back, thrashed against him, feeling nothing but sweet triumph whenever she could flip them around and have him beneath her, powerful and feral and completely at her mercy. They didn't have sex as much as rutted like animals, unlike anything she'd ever felt she'd be comfortable with in real life.

Unwilling to see her satisfying yet unsettling new sex dreams as connected in any way, shape or form to whatever she'd stumbled into a few weeks ago at the stables she decided instead that it was just her healthy mind coping with happened to be a very long dry spell. Not that she minded it, really, not when the alternative was subpar. She'd never been able to find small-town men to be much attractive. There was a small-world mentality to them she shied away from, even in men like Sheriff Graham that were pleasing to the eye and genuinely nice. It didn't help that the "genuinely nice men" like the sheriff were rather an exception. Most of the Storybrooke singles scene was dominated by lowlifes like Keith Nott or Arthur Penn or men like Greg Aston, who seemed to be in a committed, long-term relationship with himself. Her mother had always told her that companionship ought to feel better than being alone, and not to settle for less. And Belle was really okay, happy even, to be by herself, at least in comparison to what it'd be like to be paired up in a town like Storybrooke.

But she did get lonely, and needy, which explained the dreams and her quick, instinctual attachment to Mr Gold, as unfortunate and ill-boding as it had been. So reluctantly, but in the spirit of self-improvement and being brave, he allowed Ruby, the town matchmaker, to set her up with a man. And such a charming man he was, with a cute accent, a small build- Belle hated people towering over her- and a scrappy sense of humour. Will was perfect, except he was perfectly in love with his ex, and Belle felt no sexual attraction to him, dangerous looks and arresting accent or not.

Though her blind date turned more into a friendly meeting, complete with a phone call from the ex in the middle of it and later on a happy recounting of how his ex and he had decided to try to make things work, Belle didn't much mind it, happy enough not to have to gently let Will down at the end of the night. She thought nothing more of it until late one afternoon, when Keith cornered her at the end of her shift, while she was putting away the curry combs and dandy brushes she'd used and setting aside the bits of horse tack that needed to be put away. She never quite figured why Keith still worked at the stables. Daniel didn't tolerate him and even Mr Mills appeared to frown upon the man's almost constantly hangover estate. The way she figured out Keith was still gainfully employed mostly because he'd wear wifebeaters and flex his muscles a lot whenever Mrs Mills was around, which apparently made him a qualified stable hand. He was competent whenever his eye-to-hand coordination wasn't impaired but he had no love for the animals, and they in turn had no love for him.

He had mostly kept his distance from her, due in great part to how Daniel tended to always keep an eye on him. But Daniel had left shortly after she'd clocked in, having left to accompany Miss Mills to a dressage event, reason why Rocinante's stall was empty. She'd given it a thorough cleaning, which was why she was late to tidy up and clock out. She hadn't even thought about the possibility that it'd mean she'd be stuck alone with Keith and no one else, but the moment she became aware of it, when Keith came out of nowhere to try and grab her ass, it was too late.

"Thought you were done being a frigid bitch, Belle."

Keith had learned over the years to fake sobriety, but his eyes were bloodshot and his breath, up close and personal, stank of cheap bourbon. She tried to brush him aside and head towards the women's changing rooms, which locked from the inside, but he grabbed her wrist and violently turned her around to face him again.

"I don't have time for this, Keith. Please let go."

She willed her voice not to waver, not to show how scared she was becoming. she visibly flinched at the sound of hooves smashing against a stall door, but Keith paid it no mind.

"What, thought you liked a good English accent. Thought that's what did it for you. It's a good selling point for a lot of ladies, no need to be embarrassed."

He was trying to sound cajoling, seductive, but his posture was more threatening than enticing. Against her better judgement she moved backwards, deeper into the stables. She knew Keith was scared of the old stallion, though he tried to pretend otherwise, and thankfully the old boy was feeling feisty. If she managed to get close enough to the stall Keith might think twice before trying to grab her.

The drink, however, was giving him a false sense of bravado so when the horse again knocked hard on the stall door to almost tear it off its hinges he flinched, but quickly recovered.

"When the time comes I'll drive you to the glue factory myself, you sack of bones."

He banged on the door with an open fist, meaning to scare the animal. The horse, however, moved lightning-fast, managing to get its muzzle in between the bars and bite hard on the hand. Keith howled, so loudly Belle was surprised the sound didn't reach the big house and alert anyone. He tried to yank his hand back but the horse had a tight grip on it, and didn't look like he was going to budge. When she caught sight of the blood dripping onto the floor Belle herself panicked, throwing caution to the wind and reaching out to pet the bridge of the animal's nose, cooing soft nonsense at it until it let go. Keith stumbled out of the stables faster than she would've thought possible and though she knew she should've gone after him, made sure at least that he would get help, she didn't. She was too caught-up staring at the horse's eyes, spying the malicious intent and satisfied smugness there. He was lapping up the blood smeared around his muzzle, as if it was some rare delicacy and as he did so she caught a glimpse of gold. A gold tooth, which she'd never noticed before. One that reminded her of-

Fuck.

She raced out of the room, overwhelmed by a sudden realisation. That niggling feeling on the back of her head, that notion that she'd noticed something significant, something life-changing was back with a vengeance, and against her will her mind went back to that time he'd stumbled across Mrs Mills and Mr Gold having sex in the stables. What she had noticed and somehow erased from her conscious memory was the iron ring around Mr Gold's right ankle, so familiar to her. A ring she'd studied hundreds of times before but not on the businessman's foot, but rather her stallion's right leg.

The horse and Mr Gold were one of the same. It was nonsensical but at the same time it felt like the most obvious and plausible explanation.

For some reason Storybrooke had rather a healthy folklore section at the library, with some of the library's oldest and most valuable books in it, which Belle promptly transferred to her apartment upstairs to pour into them with as much privacy as possible. Her mother had always told her stories and legends about horses, so she had some sort of idea about what she was looking for. It became more about confirming her suspicions than anything else, and by the time she was done and it was almost morning she knew for certain: Cora Mills had trapped a kelpie.

Mr Gold... there was no Mr Gold. He was an illusion, a facade. As was the old horse. The true creature she'd never seen, though she'd caught a glimpse of it the other night, when he'd almost devoured Keith's entire hand. It explained so much, as ridiculous as she knew it sounded: why the horse was never fed but never died, how it seemed to be ancient and far too intelligent for a common animal, why Mr Gold looked so desperately unhappy, why the Mills lived on what was technically his property.

It was out of the question to do nothing once she knew. Belle had been raised to value her independence and free will above all, to be the one to decide her own fate. To have that taken away felt wrong. It didn't matter to her if the kelpie was likely far from a good creature. The legends spoke about a mean-spirited demon, an imp, a trickster that drowned and devoured people, but it didn't make him deserving of enslavement, specially under the hands of someone as naturally-cruel as Mrs Mills.

Though Belle was naturally an impulsive person she forced herself to plan, to ensure she'd be successful in breaking the kelpie out. The trick, of course, had to be in the iron ring. She purchased and practiced using a variety of different tools that might be able to pry it open, determined to think Daniel had just not tried the right thing when he had unknowingly attempted to set the creature free. She also packed a silver cross, which was meant to potentially protect her against the kelpie, should he prove to be ungrateful towards his liberator, or hungry enough to try and take a bite out of her.

The night before she was set to carry out her plan she dreamt of her phantom lover laying her out in a bed of moss and licking and biting every inch of her, driving his cock into her cunt until she felt she had no strength to orgasm anymore. Afterwards, as they laid in a tangle of sweaty limbs, he told her in a sing-songy voice of all the pleasure that still awaited her, all the different ways in which he'd make her climax the following night.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I have to free him. Mr Gold. The horse. I have to free him."

Suddenly she was clothed, her pyjamas sticky against her cooling body, and a hand was grabbing her by the throat, chocking her. In front of her she saw Mr Gold, only his eyes were golden and he had seaweed in his hair.

"You foolish child." His accent was so thick she was barely able to understand him. "Don't play around with monsters, dearie, you might not live long enough to regret it."

She'd woken up swearing she could still feel Gold's hand squeezing her neck, but she forced herself to shrug the dream off and continue with the plan. Daniel was accompanying Regina to a show-jumping event far enough to require more than a day's absence- she rather thought it was one of the main reasons Regina was participating in the event at all, given hoe lacklustre she'd been about jumping lately- which meant it was the perfect time to do it. Being the only current female employer meant it was easy to simply hide away in the women's changing room once her shift was up and wait for it to get dark. Once it was fully dark out and she was sure that Mrs Mills wasn't about to indulge in one of her... midnight rides Belle sneaked back into the stabled, hauling her bag of tools towards the last stall, where the horse seemed to strangely be waiting for her. He looked more tired than normal, as if even his usual meagre strength had been siphoned away, but tried to put up a fight once she got to her knees in front of his shackled leg, frantically trying to keep the limb out of her reach.

Through sheer force of will and determination she managed to wrestle the creature into submission, which gave her the opportunity to study the iron ring closely for the first time. It was smooth and not overly thick, but thick enough not to be able to cut away with pliers. There was no lock or hinges, only a crude melted line that seemed to have been hastily and sloppily forged. Hoping it was a weakness in the design she could exploit she made a weak attempt at prying the shackle open by pulling on both sides of the line, hoping to get a feel for it. Instead the whole thing came apart at her hands, the iron ring cracking open like an Easter egg.

"What the-?"

The horse almost fell on top of her, looking as close to death as she'd ever seen him. Whatever compulsions Cora had placed on him where gone, which also meant the full reality of his mistreatment and suffering was exposed. With gentle hands and a patience, she knew they didn't have time for Belle slowly coaxed the creature out of his stall and deep into the forest. He needed fresh water, according to what she'd read, and the river was the best source for it. The river Mr Gold talked about often, with such yearning. It made sense now.

"Come on now, we're just a few feet away now. You've been so brave and we're so close, it's all going to be al-"

It felt like getting stung by some sort of massive insect at first, uncomfortable but not overly painful. It wasn't until she felt her stomach getting wet that she looked down, noticing the blood a second before her body caught up with her and she dropped to the ground, pain exploding around her, making it hard to think. Cora Mills stood a few feet away, gun still raised and pointed where she'd been standing only a second before.

"Rumple, dear, look at yourself. So weak, so pitiful. Come back to me, precious, I'll make it all better."

Her sweet, cooing voice was thick with false concern and syrupy sweetness. A trap, a pretence. Belle moaned and turned her head to the side, noticing with unease that the kelpie was not making a run for the water, as he should, rather taking a few tentative steps towards Cora, suspicious but not completely mistrustful. Cora smiled, lips very red in the moonlight.

"That's it, that's it, my darling. We've had such good times, haven't we? We've... enjoyed each other so much. We're so alike, a true partnership. Come here, darling, surely it wasn't so bad being under my care, receiving my... enthusiastic affections."

He took a step towards her and then another. Belle whimpered as a sense of defeat washed over her, watching as the skeletal horse nuzzled against Cora's carefully-coiffed hair. A second later, however, he was grabbing the thick auburn locks with his teeth and was violently dragging the woman towards the river, acting as though her struggles and screams were of little importance to him. Cora screeched, frantically clawing at her trapped hair, trying to tear it off. Eventually the water drowned her screams and the night turned oddly peaceful.

It was hard to determine how much time passed after that. Belle seemed to blink in and out of existence, her vision becoming more and more unfocused and blurry as time passed and the moon moved across the sky. Eventually she heard splashing and was able to see the kelpie as it emerged from the river, no longer emaciated and dirty, but rather well-fed and with a sheen to his black coat. There was also blood around his muzzle and running down his powerful neck. He approached her slowly, carefully, almost lovingly, nuzzling against her like he had done with Cora. Then he tried attempting to entice her on his back. Belle knew precious little about guns or bullet wounds, but she knew that a shot in the stomach meant a slow, painful death, and that she was unlikely to be rescued at all. In contrast drowning seemed like a much more palatable death. Quicker, for sure. And riding a magical horse, even for a few seconds, was something straight out of her wildest childhood fantasies.

The kelpie felt surprisingly warm to the touch, which made lying on his back and absolute relief to the coldness Belle could not seem to shake off. Not even the low temperature of the water seemed to diminish the sensation, and though she had no strength with which to hold onto the animal she didn't drift away, somehow, nor did her lungs burn from lack of oxygen, as if the laws of nature did not apply to her as long as she rode astride the kelpie, cocooned in whatever magic he was capable of.

At some point they got out of the river, somewhere downstream, deep in the woods. Belle saw an old cottage, vaguely English in design and looking incredibly old, moss and ivy creeping up the stone and wooden walls, threatening to engulf it. It was the cottage Mr Gold had described to her often, the one he'd built in loving memory of the place where he'd grown up back in Scotland, under the care of two lovable spinsters. Cora had kept him away from it, which explained why he talked about it with such yearning.

Once out of the water whatever trick was keeping her astride the kelpie faded, just as it did the last bit of her strength. She fell to the floor with a thud, relieved to feel only a dull sort of pain. A moment later spidery arms where wrapping around her and hoisting her up, claws snagging on her cardigan and jeans. She looked up, her eyes feeling heavy, and saw the blurry shape of her dream lover looking down at her, cooing softly at her in a familiar sort of accent.

A moment later the darkness overtook her and she could hear and see no more.

The first thing she became aware of was that she was lying in a bed of thick, soft moss, a buttery-soft blanket draped on top of her naked body. A fire roared somewhere nearby, she could both hear and feel it. It took her forever to pry her eyelids open but when she did she saw the kelpie right in front of her, peering at her intently. He looked like he had in her dreams, scales and leather covering every bit of him, wide amber eyes and sharp teeth and claws. He had seaweed in his hair as well, and Mr Gold's familiar sharp nose and thin mouth. On a rational level she knew she ought to be scared, not only because of what she'd read kelpies where capable of but because he'd seen him kill in cold blood only a few hours ago.

But even though she tried to will herself to be scared the emotion did not materialise, overridden by a burning sort of curiosity that had her reaching out, the fingertips of her right hand gliding over the smooth scales of the kelpie's face. They were dry but slippery, and oddly warm to the touch, which was unexpected. His eyes, strangely cat-like and a deep molten gold, fluttered close when she slid her fingers into his hair, fascinated by the texture of it.

"You're a wonder."

His words startled her, not just by the strange pitch of his voice but by the words themselves. It seemed incongruous for the straight-out-of-lore creature to call her a wonder, and she must have said something, because he laughed, the sound more akin to a purr.

"Not an ounce of fear in you, pretty thing, can't even smell a hint of wariness. Such light, so sparkly and warm inside you, so exquisitely bold."

One of his clawed hands began playing with the tips of her hair, tugging on it in a way that made her scalp tingle pleasantly.

"Such goodness, to bestow it even on a monster. It's no surprise Cora's nasty iron ring didn't stand a chance."

He tugged her closer using her hair, and though it forced Belle to bend close to him it didn't scare her. He pressed his nose on the spot where her neck met her shoulder, inhaling deeply.

"So sweet. Such a pretty light. Never been so close to something like it. Makes me want to gobble it up."

Even though she was absolutely certain the kelpie had not only killed but also eaten Mrs Mills his apparent desire to devour her did not provoke any sort of revulsion or alarm. If anything, it excited her.

"What- what are you going to do to me?"

The kelpie slowly clawed at the tartan blanket, coaxing it away from her body. She let him, finding it all strangely, reassuringly familiar. She'd dreamed about it countless times, after all.

"Never seen anything so pure. Wanna feast on it, get drunk on it. I'm an old kelpie, sweet one, with vast knowledge and experience. I collect things, rare things, valuable things. Things with power. Things that I feel a connection to. And you, pretty thing? You I aim to keep."

As he spoke to her he coaxed her on her back, peeling the last of the blanket off till she was naked in the firelight. The kelpie's clothes disappeared too, dissolving into thin air in that inexplicable way that happens in dreams and fantasies, though Belle knew for a fact it was neither. This was real, startlingly real, and she needed to think about the ramifications of what she'd do next. A moment later the kelpie's mouth was on hers, and her thoughts grew pleasantly muddled. It felt exactly like it had in her dreams, only more intense. The creature was all sharp edges and skinny limbs, but deceptively strong, easily pinning her to the mossy bed beneath. There was a challenge in the way he overpowered her, a provocative playfulness that made her struggle to gain the upper hand. He seemed delighted by it, nipping at her skin to encourage her to retaliate in kind and practically trembling in pleasure when she scratched him by accident.

It was a strangely-liberating experience, new and exciting and yet familiar and comforting, a primal, well-rehearsed danced they practiced a hundred times before in her dreams, in dozens of different ways. When she finally had him on the floor, legs on either side of his hips, one hand on his long mane of hair, keeping him pliant and obedient beneath her she finally saw a flicker of hesitation in his golden eyes. His expression softened, becoming more open and a clawed hand came to rest on top of her left breast, where her heart beat furiously.

"It's forever, dearie."

There was an unspoken question in his voice. Belle was sure the kelpie himself didn't know what he was asking, whether he'd be able to let her go if she asked. Fortunately for both of them, she didn't want to. She pressed her moth against his softly, gently, marvelling at how it disarmed him completely. It was heady to have such power over a creature as powerful as the kelpie was, but Belle did not allow herself to explore that. Instead she sunk into the kelpie's member, digging her nails into his scalp as her body adjusted to the wonderful sensation of fullness that followed. The kelpie trembled, thrashing and whimpering when a tug on his mane made him still. She began to ride him then, slowly and sweetly at first and harder and faster as her belly tightened and her mind became fussier and fussier. Orgasming felt a bit like reaching the end of a long, hard run, muscles aching, heart racing and a feeling of elation overtaking her. The kelpie curled up around her tight as he came, breathless from the exertion, possessively wrapping his bony arms around her, dragging her down with him as he laid back against the moss, wiggling till he was comfortable. He made a sound of contentment when she dragged the tartan blanket on top of both of them, trapping whatever body heat was leftover. There was a voice nagging on the back of her mind, telling her to take a minute and think about what she was doing, what she ought to do next. But the kelpie was warm and comfy beneath her, and the fire kept the room pleasantly toasty. It was all too easy to push the voice aside and close her eyes, the distant sound of the running river lulling her into a dreamless sleep.