#also probably autistic herself but refuses to acknowledge it

[finally-got-a-diagnosis]

Black Autistic Culture is people not believing you're autistic while also critiquing you on everything you said that was "disrespectful" and "rude" as well as telling you to learn how to talk right.

[fallenrocket]

Some Random Galinda/Elphaba/Fiyero Thoughts

Note: This is mostly based on the musical, looking at the movie in particular--while I love the book, Fiyero is so different between the two versions that he needs to be viewed as two separate characters. Also, my shipping thoughts go hand in hand with my neurodivergent headcanons. For the purposes of this post, we have Elphaba (autistic,) Galinda (high-masking autistic/ADHD,) and Fiyero (ADHD.)

For as long as there have been love triangles and shipper wars, there have been fans who've pointed out the obvious solution of "So-and-So has two hands!" I've certainly seen the appeal of various OT3 ships in the past, but after watching Wicked: Part 1, I'm not sure if I've ever seen a love triangle as much in need of an OT3 resolution as Galinda/Elphaba/Fiyero.

Any way you look at it, it's clear that Elphaba is the apex of this triangle/polycule, so let's start there. The Elphaba/Galinda and Elphaba/Fiyero ships are both rock solid. Both have certain similarities, the popular hottie paired with the gorgeous outcast whose beauty can only be seen by them. But the road to how they get there in each case is a little different, so we'll take them one at a time.

Elphaba/Galinda

We have to talk about them first, obviously. That's why we're all here, right? The relationship so iconic, you can build a whole marketing campaign purely off the colors green and pink. These two have a classic love/hate setup, the old I Hate My Roommate, Oh No I Love Them! routine. But with both characters, it goes so deep. Being seen as a good person is crucial to Galinda's sense of self, and from the moment she meets Elphaba, who sees through her self-aggrandizing vow to use her not-yet-developed sorcery skills to "help" her, that sense of self is challenged. The image Galinda presents to the world is so carefully controlled and precise--her popularity is thanks in part to the fact that she's constantly performing "personhood" for those around her. But Elphaba immediately sees through her performance, calling her out in front of everybody.

That, I think, is at the heart of their early conflicts. It's not just that Galinda is pretty and popular and Elphaba is green and weird. It's that Elphaba has no issue pointing out that Galinda isn't what she pretends to be, and that rattles her. At the same time, it probably burns her up that Elphaba refuses to give in to what other people think about her, at least giving the impression that she doesn't care about their opinions. That isn't true, of course, as Galinda rightly recognizes at the Ozdust Ballroom.

When Galinda steps forward to dance with Elphaba, it's a revolutionary moment for her character. It's an unspoken acknowledgment that she had been cruel in giving Elphaba the hat, willingly admitting that she's not as "good" as she likes to think she is. But at the same time, this dance is the first truly kind thing Galinda does in the story. Like Elphaba, she hasn't stopped caring what people think about her, but for the first time, doing something right means more to her than just giving the appearance of it. So she stands with Elphaba among the stares and whispers, following her lead and doing her dance regardless of how it looks.

"Popular" is more than just a recompense, a genuine way to try and help Elphaba after tricking her earlier with the hat. Even as Galinda tries to make Elphaba more like her--ultimately giving up when she realizes how lovely Elphaba already is as herself--this is Galinda at her most unmasked, which actually makes her a little more like Elphaba. She is extra as hell throughout this whole song, delightfully goofy and hyper and excited. It's in stark contrast with Elphaba, who doesn't know what to think here, but this is who Galinda is when she's not performing for everyone around her. Elphaba is always 100% herself and never lets anyone take that away from her, and in "Popular," Galinda lets Elphaba see her.

When the break happens between them in "Defying Gravity," it has nothing to do with how they feel about each other. Their angry/frustrated accusations of "I hope you're happy" give way to their sad/wistful farewells of "I hope you're happy." Their essential breakdown is about, not who they are but how they are. Elphaba doesn't know how to go along to get along, even for the sake of playing a long game, so she immediately blows everything up with the Wizard and Madame Morrible because she knows how wrong this all is. She shows her hand without a second thought and is instantly prepared to throw everything else away for her ideals. Galinda, meanwhile, has spent her life being who other people expect her to be, and she doesn't really know how to give all that up--including her dreams of becoming a sorcerer and her chance for real power and influence--to take what feels like a shortsighted stand. Elphaba has no plan beyond "I won't do this" and "We have to get out," and as much as Galinda loves her, she's not ready or able to take that leap. They're both caught on diverging paths, reaching out for each other even as they're being pulled apart. Gaaaaah!!!

Elphaba/Fiyero

Even though Elphaba/Fiyero plays with similar archetypes and some similar themes as Elphaba/Galinda, their interactions and relationship are different, which is valuable. This isn't just a case where the canon M/F ship gets to "go there" while copying the F/F ship Because Compulsive Heterosexuality. I will say, the movie in particular gives me lots of Fiyero feels that I don't necessarily have with the stage show, so my thoughts on both Elphaba/Fiyero and Galinda/Fiyero rely heavily on Jonathan Bailey's interpretation of the character. In this version of the story, Fiyero does feel important to me, not just a shoehorned-in love interest for the sake of it.

Like Galinda, Fiyero is a character who masks/performs a lot. A key difference between them, I think, is that Fiyero has much more self-awareness about his. He knows what he's doing when he plays the role of the shallow party prince, essentially "giving the people what they want." But as hard as Galinda works to maintain the image she projects, I'm not sure if she entirely realizes that it isn't the real her. Both characters are trapped behind the masks they've made, but Fiyero definitely knows it, and I'm not sure if Galinda does.

At any rate, that's what we're working with when Fiyero meets Elphaba. In this instance, he clocks her before she clocks him--Fiyero easily defies her expectations when she rattles through her standard "no, I'm not seasick" list, and he immediately treats her like a person, something that not many people in her life do.

Elphaba quite can't see that at first, though. I don't know if she initially buys the performance Fiyero sells everyone else, but she's pointedly unimpressed by it. While everybody else is tripping over themselves falling for his charms in "Dancing Through Life," Elphaba huffs and rolls her eyes, even when Fiyero specifically meets her gaze in the middle of the number and gives her a little "hey, I know you!" wave.

So even though we get a bit of a love/hate trajectory again, it's not mutual this time. Fiyero is intrigued by Elphaba from the start, though not particularly because of her greenness--rather, he finds it interesting that she's immune to his charm. He likes that she speaks her mind and causes "commotion," and post-"Popular," he tells her she doesn't need to change herself. The unspoken implication? He likes who she already is. Elphaba is the one who holds back here.

It's not clear exactly where and how the change happens for her. Obviously, the rescue of the Lion cub marks the moment where Elphaba realizes her feelings for Fiyero, voiced in "I'm Not that Girl." But her opinion--and understanding--of him had already shifted. As he points out, some part of her chooses not to knock him out with the poppy spell, recognizing him as a potential ally to help the Lion. And it's in that scene where she acknowledges that he just pretends to be shallow and self-absorbed, adding that he's unhappy within that performance. So she's already made those observations about him. But when did it happen? For me, that's the part I'm not seeing on the screen, and it's an interesting question to wonder what causes Elphaba to reevaluate Fiyero in the first place.

With both Galinda and Fiyero, I think it's important to note that loving Elphaba doesn't change who they fundamentally are. This isn't character growth via The Love of a Good Woman. Both of them already are the people Elphaba comes to know and love, but the parts of them that she values are the parts that they tend to hide. Loving Elphaba makes them want to let themselves be seen, at least by her. By the end of the movie, Fiyero's feelings about how he wants to show himself are already changing, while Galinda is torn, breaking her own heart as she's dragged back into other people's expectations.

Galinda/Fiyero

Mileage on this one varies, I know. Plenty of fans will argue that this "triangle" really only has two sides, that it's Elphaba/Galinda and Elphaba/Fiyero. That Galinda/Fiyero is purely fake performative comphet. If that's your interpretation, that's cool.

For me, though, I do think there are real feelings there, on both sides. Galinda lamenting, "I don't even think he's perfect anymore, and I still want him!" feels major for her character, and I see Fiyero's care in how gently he responds when Galinda is knocked out by the poppies. And it's just more interesting to me if they both care about each other. I'm not saying their feelings for each other are the same as what they feel for Elphaba, or as intense. But in a hypothetical OT3 resolution for this story, I think their relationship would add up to more than just passing each other coming and going from Elphaba's bedroom.

I find Galinda/Fiyero very interesting because, even though they're the only "official" couple within the triangle by the end of the movie, there's far more potential in what their relationship could be than what it actually is at this point. In an OT3 scenario, I feel like their dynamic requires the most speculation or imagination. It's very clear what Elphaba/Galinda or Elphaba/Fiyero would be like romantically. But what would Galinda/Fiyero be to each other?

The way I see it, their canon relationship is hampered by two chief points: masking and outside expectations of monogamy.

Because both of them are performing most of the time, that extends to their relationship. Fiyero and Galinda start dating because each is very much The Sort of Person I'm Supposed to Date. When they flirt with each other, it feels like you're watching a play, two master performers "yes and-ing" their way through a relationship that's far more about the image they want to present than what they themselves really want.

Again, they're both drawn to Elphaba in part because she sees them for who they are and makes them want to be who they are. Fiyero's mask makes him actively unhappy, and at minimum, Galinda's puts her under a lot of pressure to maintain it and forces her into heartwrenching choices. So as they date one another--largely because other people expect it of them, because they're "perfect together"--their relationship is tied up in this thing that brings them misery and stress.

Furthermore, they're not really dating one another, they're dating one another's masks. We know that the real Galinda and the real Fiyero are both great--Elphaba wouldn't like them if they weren't! But in in their relationship, they don't really get to see the parts of each other that Elphaba loves.

That brings me to their other main hindrance. If Galinda and Fiyero are artificially forced into monogamy, then of course it's not gonna happen for them. They're just not it. Neither of them would choose the other over Elphaba, and if only one of them can be with her, than one person's happily-ever-after is the other one's loss.

In that way, I think a real Galinda/Fiyero relationship could only be possible inside an OT3. If both of them were free to date Elphaba, free to love and be loved by her, that could give them space to love each other, in whatever form that would take. Maybe it'd be romantic, maybe not (Lesbian!Galinda truthers, I see you!)--maybe they'd both have a romantic/sexual relationship with Elphaba and be platonic partners for each other. I'm not sure. But I do think they genuinely care about each other, and I think they'd be able to figure out what that looks like for them if they were both comfortable and secure in their relationship with Elphaba. If they didn't 1) feel forced to compete for her or 2) feel that, not being with her, they were one another's "consolation prize." And since I also think being with Elphaba would help them both feel more comfortable in dropping their masks and being their authentic selves, they'd have a much better opportunities to actually get to know one another.

[ronanceautistic]

Autistic Robin headcanons?

Autistic Robin my beloved.

I think she’s quite sensitive to sudden, loud noises but isn’t as sensitive to like, a lot of noise. She’s in band, she goes to all the games n shit, she’s used to a lot of noise. But something like fireworks, or thunder, or gunshots make her nervous.

I think texture is a big issue for Robin, she cuts the labels out of her clothes, she definitely has very hyper-specific things she refuses to touch because of the texture, like velvet or something. I also think maybe that’s why she keeps her hair short.

Her special interest is language. Her language tapes are definitely a huge comfort for her because they’re repetitive and they feel safe. I think learning new languages in general comes so naturally to her because of how engrossed she gets. It doesn’t feel like a task when she gets to learn about the grammar of this language, and the culture surrounding it etc.

I think before she got into languages, like as a little kid, she really liked insects and frogs and anything to do with nature. I think she was the type of kid that would absolutely play in the mud but at the same time, as soon as she gets home she’s having a shower.

I think while she struggles to communicate she is actually good at reading tone (i know she says she doesn’t, but she literally reads nancy like a book for the whole of s4). But because she isn’t great at knowing how to respond, or the right thing to say, social cues make her nervous. She’s very sarcastic herself, but struggles to read other people’s sarcasm and it’s very much a situation of no one knows when Robin is joking and Robin doesn’t know when others are joking.

I think a lot of situations could bring on a meltdown for her, but she’s very good at knowing her limit and doesn’t really feel pressured to keep herself in a situation she’s uncomfortable in, like a party. Like, Nancy will keep going until she explodes (Halloween party throwback), whereas Robin will acknowledge “okay, soon I won’t be able to do this anymore”. She doesn’t like parties, she will probably never go to one because the only time she did she quickly realised it was a terrible idea.

When it comes to meltdowns, she definitely prefers being alone, putting on headphones and listening to her tapes, stimming in a dark room, deep breathing. She is good at calming herself down, I think. But in terms of Ronance it makes them clash a little, because Nancy needs someone with her, and assumes Robin would, too. But she quickly realises it makes things a lot worse and more stressful for Robin.

Also, this is ADHD rather an Autism, but I think she is quite inattentive if it isn’t something she is interested in. While she is very smart, I think she still gets Cs on the subjects she has no interest in because she can’t focus on the class. I think she’s really good at music, french, english, and biology. But she also struggles with math, and history. I am obsessed with the idea that math-whiz Nancy helps Robin and Robin helps Nancy with French.

I also think she’s probably a picky eater, who is willing to try anything but also rarely likes anything new she tries. But at the same time, the foods and combinations she does like is so bizarre to anyone else but her.

[somewhere-south-of-neutral]

So, I'll admit that I'm not the biggest fan of Community (I like it, but I don't love it), nor have I watched very much of it (some random full episodes and clip compilations they put on YouTube), and of the core cast Britta might be my least favorite specifically because I really dislike the "straw feminist/liberal rebel without a cause" character archetype, but I have to admit that she might be one of the best written and least offensive versions of that archetype because the writers clearly understand why the kind of person she is parodying is annoying.

See, the tropes Britta embodies are almost always used to belittle or minimize real activism and feminism. Characters who fit them almost always either make actual real good points that are implied by the narrative to be foolish, naive, or harmful, or they are making actual strawman arguments but are painted as accurately representing the entire movement thy parody.

Britta, however, is neither of these. What she is instead is a somewhat heightened but generally true to form depiction of a White Feminist™ who has never once examined her own biases or heard the word "intersectionality". When she is the butt of the joke, the point is almost always not the idea of activism, but the fact that she herself is so obviously bad at it.

A great example of this is this classic scene:

The butt of the joke here is not the concept of opposing animal cruelty, but that Britta finds it more offensive than racism.

Her approach to Abed's neurodivergence, and disability in general, is similar. Community has often been lauded for it's autistic representation, and I think it's worth noting that one of the ways that the representation is good is the way other characters, especially Britta, have a tendency to infantilize and patronize Abed and are almost always shown to be in the wrong and/or working under false premises. Again, in cases like these, the butt of the joke isn't disability activism, but the fact that Britta's conception of disability activism doesn't include disabled people.

Her approach to queerness is also like this, with the clearest example being her depiction of the Dean in her imagined season 7 in the finale. Her decision to make him a trans woman and the speech about "not [being] a joke anymore" the clarification that this is a "real thing" and the claim of "representing the trans community" is both a specific betrayal of every aspect of the Dean's complex relationship with gender, sexuality, and the highlighting of such (he has repeatedly refused to explicitly label his gender and sexuality because he doesn't like to be put in a box and there is at least one episode entirely about him not wanting to be the token sanitized queer) and a general demonstration of her inability to respect or admit the reality and validity of any queer identity other than binary trans person, gay person, and maybe bisexual. And, again, the implication of the scene is not "trans funny" or "nonconforming genders funny" but "lets all point and laugh at the idiot who is so small minded and dedicated to the idea of using the 'right' language while just remaking the gender binary that despite claiming to be an ally her attempt to demonstrate her allyship only leads to her explicitly misgendering and fundamentally demonstrating a disrespect for someone she has known for years because she refuses to acknowledge the infinite complexity of human gender and sexuality".

And the thing about Britta is that, unlike most straw feminist characters, there are actual people like her, and many of them are on tumblr right now sending anon hate to gay people for using what they refer to as "the q-slur".

And yes, that's right, I did just write a multi-paragraph character analysis for a character I don't really care about from a show I don't really watch purely as a preamble to probably the coldest take anyone has ever had on this website.

[cowardlychimera]

Chimera I'm staring at u w my autistic eyes please share your theories w me

I love love Yume Nikki and Omori parallels I once read someone's comment saying "Black Space is a love letter written to Yume Nikki," which is so true to me!!!!! AGHH

ah okay!! fair warning though that this might just be me getting excited over a cool idea lol and might be wrong

okay so: 2 things I noticed that seem similar in both. windows and doors.

when someone hears the word daydreamer, the first thing they think of might be someone staring out a window, right?

and we know Madotsuki and Sunny both prefer their dreams over reality. so windows = inaction. observing, going with the flow.

this fits I think, since in omori, what's one very important window?

this.

Mari says Sunny's seen this before, when he almost drowned. he almost drowned because he gave in. he didn't believe he could do anything, so he didn't.

don't have much for yume nikki about windows tbh though, just that from what I remember Madotsuki's name might refer to windows (if there's anything I don't know of/forgot please share!)

okay now doors!! doors definitely tie these 2 games together! doors = action. choosing to do something instead of just letting things happen

Madotsuki refuses to open her door. she refuses to make the choice to leave, seeming to prefer her dreams over reality. Sunny can do the same. the front door that Kel knocks on, it's Sunny's last chance to fix things. he gets to choose.

and in white space and Madotsuki's dream room? they can leave whenever they want to, through a door! same thing with nexus/door room/whatever you wanna call it and black space! they get to choose what doors to open. they get to choose whether or not they want to accept reality. and even more in omori, the door to Basil's bedroom and his hospital room. he doesn't have to open those doors. whether he faces reality and tries to fix things is up to him. and the door to the roof too! once he walks through the door, he can't go back. he already made his choice.

and sliding glass doors? I'm not 100% about these yet, but sliding glass doors could represent a choice they might want to make, but are hesitant to for whatever reason. they're like a combination of windows and doors! in omori, they're shown in both reality and black space/after finding the photo where Sunny pushed Mari. they're Sunny's want and choice to face reality and accept it, attempting to fix things. but in yume nikki? Madotsuki wants to escape. there's 2 events (I've only triggered one of these 2 so far, so info on one might be incorrect!) where Madotsuki can fly away, and unfortunately fall, the witch event and the spaceship + spaceship event. one has her flying through the clouds, and falling from the sky, while the other has her flying through the stars, also falling from the sky (if you manage to trigger the event, that is). Madotsuki wants to fly away. the sliding door could represent her want, and her choice to escape reality.

okay okay I'm almost done lmao hang in there

now, closets! (once again, I haven't explored any closet stuff in yume nikki yet lol so I might be wrong about stuff) first, in omori! it's obvious Sunny doesn't want to acknowledge the closet is broken violin is hidden in, going far enough for it to even disappear for him! the closet represents something he's hiding. there is a phrase, "skeleton in the closet", that refers to a secret someone wants to hide. so this theory fits the closet in omori! it might also fit the closets found in yume nikki.

Madotsuki doesn't want to find herself.

(also final thing: these things probably do represent more than just this. this is just stuff I noticed seems connected to both games so far! also also I haven't finished yume nikki yet lol so once again feel free to correct me if anything's wrong)

[mosslarose]

Sallow ~ Part Eight

Summary: it’s the twins birthday, Maisie realises something and has a massive argument with Soren.

Little fyi, Soren probably sounds like a right dick, their argument is no reflection of his character. He cares and feels deeply, but is just incapable of showing it. There argument is because Soren cares for Maisie, he is just terrible at expressing this and cannot get his points across in the right way and goes about it all wrong. If it helps with understanding him, his character is autistic coded.

Word count: 4,100+

It has been a couple weeks since Sisi tried talking to her mother about everything weird, deciding to drop the subject for the time being since the whole thing scared her a little. However, she's been getting excited since the weekend as her and her brothers birthday is coming up, unfortunately it lands on a school day, meaning her and Ajax have to wait till the weekend to celebrate. Poppy has invited them over, along with Maisie of course, to have a little birthday dinner.

They're trying to get through the school days as quickly as possible, not wanting to wait for the weekend. Although, Maisie's days have been a bit hectic as it's gotten close to their birthday. The stress of being a professor, making sure she's got all their presents sorted and has also been avoiding Sebastian - she's struggled to say the least. A few days back, she realised something that she really hoped would not happen - again...

Maisie looked at her calendar in her room as she's getting dressed ready for the day, it's Monday and she's checking her weekly schedule and trying to see where she can fit in going down to Hogsmeade and buying some things for her children's birthday. She looks at her calendar and furrows her eyebrows at it, flipping back to January and not seeing the the crosses that would mark about five days. She flips back to December and realises the last time she had a bleed was the beginning of that month. She hasn't bled in two months, which is very unusual for her.

"Oh Merlin-" she mutters under her breath when she looks down at her tummy, feeling a little stuck in place, fear trembling through her body. She’s trying to rationalise, think of any other possibility, but she knows, she just knows in her her gut that it is what she’s dreading. She starts messaging the bottom of her belly, checking for it - and yep there's that solid bump, the same as the one she remembers feeling when she had gotten pregnant the first time with the twins. "Merlin's beard" she muttered to herself with a long sigh - not again...

At breakfast that morning she wouldn't look anywhere in the vicinity of Sebastian, too scared. Avoiding the look she knew would make her crumble into oblivion. And throughout that week, she continued to avoid him, if he tries to talk to her in the corridors she motions quickly like she has to be somewhere and moves along as fast as possible. She continues to avoid his worried stares at meal times and refuses to acknowledge his existence at the end of the day, refusing to share her chambers with him or go into his. She feels guilty about it all, but she's trying to figure out the best way to go about the situation, how to tell him - if she does - and how to tell her family and the twins and- Merlin's beard she is getting way too stressed over it.

On the Thursday of the twins birthday, after all their lessons are finished, they go to Maisie's classroom and Maisie gives them some small gifts and said that they would have to wait till the weekend for the rest. They of course tried to persuade more out of her but she refused with a smile, hugging her children and then making them run along to dinner as she followed suit.

The weekend comes along and Maisie's stress levels are through the rough, Soren and Poppy are going to know, they just will, and Maisie is going to be neck deep in trouble for it. She's so nervous, especially for how Soren will react. She doesn't want to deal with any of it, just have a lovely birthday for her children and pretend none of it is happening, avoid the problem altogether.

"It's lovely to see you" Poppy said as they all stepped out of the carriage, Poppy walking over with the brightest smile as she greeted all of them, turning to Maisie with a loving smile, and a kiss on the cheek in greeting. "How are you fairing?" She asked kindly as her and Maisie walked behind the twins who were running up to the house.

"Fine, why wouldn't I be?" Maisie chuckles nervously. It was an innocent question, Maisie shouldn't be getting anxious about it.

"Just checking" Poppy chuckles as she taps Maisie's shoulder, Maisie then putting the suitcase at the bottom of the stairs then bends down to take off her boots. Poppy walks off to the living room where everyone else is laid up and Maisie follows in behind. She walks in to see a few gifts from Poppy and Soren laid out on the coffee table. The twins looks at Maisie expectedly, but she only points to Poppy. "Of course you can open them" she smiles and the twins excitedly open their presents.

Before dinner, while the twins are upstairs playing with their cousins, she puts out more of the presents she got for the twins. It wasn't much, just some sweets like Berty Bots Every Flavour Beans and few others, along with some books the two had been asking for, a knew jumper for the both and then had something hidden away that Poppy had been hiding for over a week at her house for the two that had been wanting something like it for months now.

Maisie called them downstairs, they saw Maisie stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting patiently and they were confused as to why she had called them, it's not time for dinner yet? The slowly walked down, slightly worried. Then when they reached the bottom of the stairs, they looked into the living room and their faces lit up when they saw a small pile of presents for the each of them. They both gave a her a quick hug before running off to the living room, way too excited to stop for too long.

"Can we open them? Please?" Ajax asked with the biggest smile and puppy dog eyes, ones that reflected a man she really didn't want to be thinking of right now. Maisie just nodded with a wide smile. They both opened their presents with the biggest smiles before turning around and engulfing their mother in a very tight hug.

"Thank you so much" they both said as they pulled away with genuine smiles of appreciation. They both went to sit down and open their sweets or look through their new books but Maisie stopped them.

"Hang on- that's not everything" Maisie said with a big smile, so excited to give this last present to her children who only looked at her confused. The said confusion only increasing when Maisie walked out the room, the both trying to peer round the doorway, eyes widening when Maisie comes back.

"Oh Merlin! He's beautiful!" Sisi said slowly approaching Maisie who was holding a white fluffy cat. Both Ajax and Sisi reaching out to stroke that cat who gently lent into the affection. The two children's smiles not once fading.

"He's called Turnip" Maisie and the children barely even acknowledged this, too focused on the cat. That cats previous owner was a friend of Maisie's in the village, unfortunately the lady who had the cat became ill and had sent Maisie and owl stating so and asked if Maisie wanted the cat for her children as she can't look after it anymore. As unfortunate the woman's illness was, it was perfect timing for her children's birthday.

"Come on Turnip" Sisi said as she took that cat from Maisie's grasp, stroking the cat and holding it close before handing it to Ajax to let him have a little cuddle.

"He's not allowed on the settee" Soren said from his spot on the sofa. The twins just nodded in acknowledgment before sitting on the floor and playing with the cat, their smiles still so wide and happy, making Maisie feel warm and all things good. Poppy and Soren’s children also joining in when they came downstairs, all carefully and gently stroking and playing with the cat.

Dinner comes around and they are all in their usual seats, Poppy offers Maisie some wine who shakes her head politely with a smile. Poppy looked at her confused and the unusual decline.

"Why not? You love a glass with dinner" Poppy laughed as she tried to pour some into Maisie's glass, Maisie just put her hand over it with a smile, again, politely declining the drink. It is a much more widely known thing among witches wizards that alcohol consumption while in Maisie's... 'predicament' is very much not widely suggested.

"I'll just have the lemon water" Maisie smiled, trying so hard to hide how nervous she is. Just as she said that, it was like a switch was flipped in Poppy and her eyes went wide as she looked at the woman before her.

"No- you can't be" Poppy said completely flabbergasted. Maisie's face also dropping in shock as Poppy realised. "But it was one time wasn't it? So unlikely I-" Poppy was talking until she realised Maisie's cringed face, how it she almost squirmed at what Poppy was saying. "It wasn't just Christmas was it?" Poppy asked in a hushed tone almost exasperated and Maisie shook her head sheepishly.

"Don't tell Soren, please" Maisie begged quietly, luckily Soren was too busy talking to Ajax and Leo about birds on the opposite end of the table that he paid no attention to Maisie and Poppy's conversation.

"You take me as cruel" Poppy chuckled half offended and Maisie rolled her eyes with a light smile, still incredibly nervous. "What are you-" Poppy was going to continue but Maisie cut her off quickly.

"Can we continue this conversation later?" Maisie asked, not meaning to sound rude and Poppy nodded, happily obliging.

Light conversations continued around the table until Poppy and Maisie quickly went out to the kitchen to light the candles on the twins cake and bring it out the them. They used magic to blow out all the candles in the room before they brought in the illuminated cake. Sisi and Ajax's eyes went wide with excitement, not being able to wait to blow out the candles and devour the cake. Everyone at the table was singing happy birthday in unison, Maisie putting the cake down gently in front of the twins as the singing came to an end. The twins were quick to the blow the candles out together with gleaming smiles, all the candles in the room flaming once again simultaneously. Poppy made the candles disappear as she gave the twins the knife so they could themselves a piece of cake first. The cake was half gone by the end of meal, everyone enjoying a large piece each.

When dinner was finished, all the children were quick to excuse themselves and go play with the cat, although Maisie had to remind them not to overwhelm it and be careful and gentle. It was quite sweet though the way they would all just happily sit and watch the cat sleep, worried about waking it up.

The evening goes by and again the children are all sat by the fire with warm cocoas, snow still gently falling from the sky, winter still not wanting to be over in the middle of February. Poppy had put a dash of brandy in the hot chocolates again to make sure the children would sleep as the excitement from the birthday would probably keep them up longer than anyone would like, making for tired and grumpy children in the morning. Maisie was reading to them again. As much as the twins considered themselves 'too old' to be read to, they still enjoyed sitting down with their cousins at the end of the night and listening, however much they denied it. After a while, Leo had fallen asleep and the others were very sleep so Poppy and Maisie got their children into bed, Soren too busy downstairs doing headmaster paperwork nonsense.

"So? You want to talk about it?" Poppy finally asked Maisie as they got downstairs and sat together in the living room. Maisie gave a confused look before realising and immediately looking away in shame.

"It's all very confusing" is all Maisie said and Poppy hummed in response, understanding what she means. Poppy flattens her lips while she thinks, unsure of whether to ask or not.

"You gonna tell him? Sebastian?" Poppy asks, deciding Maisie probably needs to talk about it anyway. Maisie looked at her and shrugged, then looked into her lap where she was playing with her hands. Maisie sits in silence, she was not expecting to ever have a conversation like this, not expecting to get pregnant. Poppy can tell Maisie is feeling conflicted in herself. "Talk to me Mais" she said as she put a hand on the other woman's knee reassuringly "like my grandmother said, a problem shared is a problem halved" she added with a smile and Maisie looked up at her, reciprocating the smile with one more sheepish and guilty.

"It's difficult, how do I tell him?" Maisie said and Poppy went to speak but Maisie was quick to interrupt "How do I tell Sisi and Ajax? How do I bloody tell Soren?" She whimpered, tears threatening to spill at just the idea of her brother rejecting her and her family again. She knows he loves the twins, but it doesn't change how he thinks of them and her, so stuck in his ways about it all.

"Soren is not your problem, okay?" Poppy reassured. Maisie knew that if he had a problem that Poppy would step in for her, but it doesn't change the fact that he would disagree and be mad about it.

"He will still be upset" Maisie said with a wobble to her voice, struggling to maintain her composure.

"And? It doesn't matter what he thinks, I will always be here for you, Maisie. I swear it" Poppy said as she grasped Maisie's hands in hers, holding them tight in comfort and reassurance. It does help Maisie to feel slightly better, knowing she will always have her oldest friend by her side.

"Oh Poppy, you are one of the best people in my life and I couldn't ask for any better sister-in-law. I love you so much, my friend" Maisie said as the tears started slipping past her guard, Poppy wiping them away and pulling her in for a long hug.

"I love you too, you're the sister I always wished for growing up" Poppy said with a smile as she pulled away, Maisie genuinely reciprocating it.

"What do i do about Sebastian?" Maisie asked, breaking the lovely moment they were sharing, her whole body slumping back into the sofa as she said it. Maisie closed her eyes as she did so, meaning she missed the way Poppy looked at her pityingly.

"I'm fairly certain that Sebastian will take the news better than you realise" Poppy said with a light smile and furrowed brows as Maisie opened her eyes only to narrow them at her from the side.

"I wish that were certain" Maisie said with a sigh, laying a hand on her tummy and looking down at it, not completely sure how she feels about the new growing baby now taking up residence in her tummy. She wants to feel hopeful so badly, but she can't help but feel like fate will not be on her side.

"Might as well be with how I know he feels about you" Poppy smiled, a smirk making its way onto her face as Maisie sat up and looked at her weirdly, not sure what to think or feel on that statement.

"And what of the twins, do I admit they are also his, or leave that for another day?" Maisie said practically laughing at how ridiculous this whole situation is. "How do I even tell them? What do I say first? Their dad is their DADA professor or that said professor got me pregnant" Maisie said, "again, might I include" she added feeling almost hysterical. It's all stupid, so so stupid.

"He did what?" Said a deep voice from the hallway and Maisie felt the hairs on her arms stand on end.

"Soren- it's not-" Maisie tried to save herself, maybe. To no avail as Soren walked in with a face so dark with anger.

"You've really gone and done it again huh?" Soren was basically laughing, his anger evident in his face and tone of voice.

"Soren, leave it" Poppy tried to interject, her voice wasted as Soren paid her no attention, completely focused on his anger with Maisie and a man not currently present.

"Is that man so incapable of restraining himself? Are you?!" His voice raised at octave, anger bubbling up with each word he said. Maisie was shaking, what does she do? What does she say?

"The children are sleeping-" Poppy tried to say, she doesn't want any shouting waking up the ones asleep upstairs. Again, Soren pays her no mind, he takes in one she says, but it is not obvious as he ignores her.

"Tell me Maisie, was two bastards not enough?" He was loud, his voice was heavy and stern, but he kept quiet enough as though to not wake anyone.

"You don't understand-" Maisie tried to speak but it's as if she is not allowed to defend herself, Soren already interjecting before she had time to finish her sentence.

"Understand-" he scoffs, mocking her "no I don't understand! I don't understand why you continue to whore yourself to that man, allow him to put bastards in you, but not a ring on your finger" he rants, arms flailing high above Maisie, never had she felt so small. By this point, tears were already streaming down her face, eyes red and bloodshot as she had strained so hard trying not to cry, failing miserably.

"Soren, that is enough!" Poppy yelled as she stepped in front of a sobbing Maisie. It took the man by surprise, eyebrows furrowing as he stared at her, trying to find the right words.

"Mummy?" Came a little voice from the hallway, little Leo having awoken from all the noise, something Poppy really did not want to happen. She ran over to her daughter who was stood on the stairs rubbing her tired eyes. She picked her up and looked at Maisie and Soren, Maisie trying so hard to maintain her tears while the little girl was around.

"Soren, leave her alone" Poppy said before walking the stairs with her little girl.

"Why is everyone shouting?" Asked Leo as Poppy tucked the quilts in around her and got the girls favourite teddy bear off the floor that had clearly fallen out of the bed.

"Aunty Maisie and Daddy just aren't very happy right now, but it's okay, everything's alright" Poppy said so calmly and gently. Her daughter just nodded and hummed as she rolled onto her side, cuddling her bear close. "Goodnight, darling" Poppy said as she strokes the girls hair back and kissed her temple before leaving the room and carefully closing the door behind her. She tiptoes quickly to the stairs as sometimes the floorboards creak and she wants to try prevent as much more noise and keep the children asleep. However, more shouting echoes from downstairs and as Poppy is about to run downstairs to see if Maisie is okay, Sisi leaves her room, clearly sleep ridden and confused and she looks at poppy.

"What's going on?" she asks as she rubs her eyes awake, looking at Poppy and becoming worried at the expression Poppy bares, one also full of worry and concern.

"Go back to bed sweetheart" Poppy said with her soft and gentle voice, though Sisi did not, walking over to Poppy by the stairs. Poppy tried turning her around and guiding her back, but the younger girl became concerned over the words echoing from the living room downstairs.

“You are no longer a child, Maisie!” Soren said with unyielding anger, his voice deep but not loud. “I was willing to turn a blind eye then- but now?! You are a lady, act like one!” He added, towering over Maisie who was now stood by the fire, the heat radiating towards her, keeping her warm while she coward away from her brother. She didn’t know what to do or say, she just simply did nothing while he berated her.

“I’m not perfect like you, Soren! I never will be!” Maisie finally said, finding her voice as she tried to defend herself “I’m human, I’m allowed to make mistakes!” She added, tears still streaming down her face as her voice broke while trying to get her point across.

“You can make mistakes, you can be imperfect… but this? This is beyond any of that!” His words starts off calm, and slowly got angrier as he spoke “You have children born out of wedlock, you are pregnant out of wedlock, you are a disgrace to our family!” he seethed. Maisie looked at him with wide eyes, hurt covering her features.

“Soren-” Maisie tried to add her piece, but the latter did not faulted, did not let the woman get a word in.

“Father would be so disappointed” Soren said with great disdain and that hit Maisie in a place that hurt beyond anything else.

“Father was a good man, you are far from that.” Maisie said as her lip trembled “Don’t you dare use him against me” she added angrily, with the flare of her nostrils, fists clenching at her sides.

“You are a spoilt brat who refuses to learn” Soren said with the roll of his eyes “Sebastian does not care for you, stop entertaining the idea!” Soren added, trying not to shout. He believes the only reason Maisie keeps ending up in these situations is because Sebastian doesn’t actually love her and is simply using her. Which is far from true.

“You don’t know him like I do!” Maisie wanted so badly to yell and scream at him, push him and hit and tell him to stop being so cruel. Soren scoffs at her and her childish fantasies.

“You bare his children but you do not bare his ring, that is enough for me” Soren said in a bridled manner, clearly expressing his disdain through the clenching of his jaw and the flaring of his nostrils. He turned around, gathering himself a little, trying to calm down.

“You are cruel!” Maisie yells at him before falling to her knees and sobbing into her hands, the words stinging her and ripping her apart. Why is he doing this?

“I speak truth!” Soren yelled as he turned to face her. “You-” Soren went to go berate her further however was interrupted by another voice.

“Mumma?” Said Sisi from the hallway, who had clearly got past Poppy and down the stairs to see her mum just crying on the floor. She walks over, past Soren who had stepped back and swallowed his words in presence of another child. “Are you okay?” Sisi asked as she bent down and put her hand on her mums shoulder.

“I’m okay, love” Maisie sniffed, trying to pull back her tears while her daughter was present, not wanting her to see her cry. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Maisie asked with a sobbed chuckle. Sisi just looked at her concerned, she’s not going to ask about what she overheard, just worried for her mum right now.

“I came to make sure you were okay” said the younger girl, making Maisie’s eyebrows furrow and chin wobble. She’s trying so hard not to cry in front of Sisi. “Come on, you need sleep too” Sisi said as she stood up and put her hand out for her mother. Maisie unwillingly took it, getting up off the floor and following her daughter upstairs. She kept her head down the entire time, too embarrassed and upset. Sisi took them to Maisie’s bedroom and lit a couple candles as Maisie just sat on the bed feeling a little numb, not quite knowing what to do with herself. Sisi got Maisie’s night dress out and gave it to her, helping the woman to remove her jumper and unzip her dress before Maisie got up and finished undressing and putting her nightdress on herself.

“I’m sorry” Maisie sniffled as she rubbed away stray tears she couldn’t hold back. “I’ve ruined your birthday” she added with a crack in her voice, the pain trying to work its way out.

“Don’t be silly, it’s not you fault” Sisi said as she pulled the duvet back for her mum. Her mum sat on the bed cross-legged before looking up at Sisi with a sad expression.

“Is your brother okay?” She asked and Sisi nodded with a light smile as she walked towards the door.

“He was awake with me, but was scared to check what was happening. I’ll go get him now” she said before quickly leaving the room to get her brother. She came back with a groggy Ajax who looked up at his mum worrisome. Maisie motioned for them to go to her and she enveloped them in tight embraces, not wanting to let go.

“I’m sorry” Maisie said as she let out more quiet sobs as she looked at her children lovingly, they wiped her tears away gently. “I love you both so much, always remember that” Maisie said with a stern sincerity. Both children nodded quickly as they looked at her, repeating the words back to her, meaning it whole-heartedly. “C’mon” Maisie said as she moved along the bed, Sisi next to her and then Ajax next to Sisi as they all led down. She put her arm across the both of them as they all slowly fell asleep together. Her children are the most important thing in the world to her, no matter what happens, they are her children and she will always love them.

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[sweetberry-roebuck]

Tell me about your MLP headcanons

OK SO BASICALLY,

Twilight Sparkle:

Pronouns: she/they

Gender: trans demigirl

Sexuality: bisexual

Aesthetic: doesn't have much time for fashion, but enjoys dark academia

Brain Stuff: has like five mental illnesses, she's constantly studying them but she still can't tell which one is causing any given symptom

Other: paints her nails black bc she thinks it's cool

Pinkie Pie:

Pronouns: she/xe

Gender: it's a mystery

Sexuality: pansexual

Aesthetic: clowncore kidcore kandi kid baybe

Brain Stuff: autism + adhd, has no sense of social cues but that doesn't stop xem from being incredibly extroverted. Stims constantly and collects stim toys

Other: gives her friends kandi bracelets constantly, always has beads in her hair.

Rainbow Dash:

Pronouns: she/he/they

Gender: nonbinary

Sexuality: lesbian

Aesthetic: scenecore, little a punk as a treat

Brain Stuff: undiagnosed adhd she refuses to acknowledge

Other: SHARP TEETH

Rarity:

Pronouns: she/he

Gender: bigender

Sexuality: bisexual, also a hopeless romantic

Aesthetic: considers herself above simple aesthetics

Brain Stuff: bipolar, partially bc he's also bigender and bisexual and I think it's funny

Other: I think she deserves a cool little unicorn beard

Fluttershy:

Pronouns: she/it

Gender: xenogender demigirl, collects nature themed xenogenders

Sexuality: aroace, but somehow the best one at relationship advice

Aesthetic: cottagecore, cozycore, gets into pastel goth after the flutterbat episode

Brain Stuff: you have never met a more autistic horse in your life. Semiverbal, constantly doing raptor hands, gets very easily overwhelmed by her senses.

Other: does Not wear shoes unless absolutely necessary, and then she wears sandals. She lives in the woods so her feet are so fucked up but it's worth it to not have the sensory hell of socks

Applejack:

Pronouns: she/her

Gender: token cis girl-

Sexuality: lesbian

Aesthetic: she doesn't know what an aesthetic is and she's afraid to ask

Brain Stuff: undiagnosed adhd, handles it significantly better than rainbow dash does

Other: idk lol

ALSO THE MANE SIX IS A QUEERPLATONIC POLYCULE AND APPLEJACK + RARITY + RAINBOW DASH ARE DATING-

I'm working on human designs rn so I'll probably post those soon

[ceoofanticatradora]

We need more anti C//A who are Adora stans (like you seem to be) so that people can understand that C///A is bad for Adora. Heck C//A is bad for Catra too, but the shippers don't seem to realize it. If Catra had been able to let Adora go maybe she could have healed instead of her festering and the abuse may have ended instead of escalated.

Hello Dear, welcome on my Blog and a big thank you for your message! Firstly I wanna apologize that this response is reaching you more than three full days, almost four later. Just real life getting into the way of my online presence (at least I got my A-Levels admission!) but I assure you that replying to you was on my To Do List the entire time. And while I could've typed something quick, I thought you deserved a full length response just as much as the person before you received. That goes for anyone really to ask/write me anything in the future.

Adora is a character that has flaws, her own interests, things she struggles with/is insecure about etc. but she also still works on being better (up to Season 5). This makes her relatable, fleshed out and overall three dimensional. Overall for me that makes Adora very likeable. Which is funny because when I first watched the show I thought of her as too goofy and felt like she as a character was overall just flat. Her character design did not speak to me either, the ponytail with the weird hair poof and these pointy shoulders of her jacket just really were not my taste. Isn't it amazing how perceptions can change?

As you can guess from that description I did not always stan Adora and she's probably still not my favorite character but over the almost two years I've been in this fandom I've grown rather fond of her. Other important characters to me are Kyle (a very relatable comfort character of mine, he learned to stand up for himself and others and I support that, f*ck Season 5 for barely acknowledging his existence), Lonnie (apart from treating Kyle badly (which I really do NOT support or excuse) I really love her, man, some women just do me like that, I mean she really stood up to Catra like that), Entrapta (I'm autistic too! It's great to have some representation, seeing the ableism/treatment she experiences in the show is not so much though), Seahawk (I don't even know why, I have some issues with his behavior towards Mermista at times but overall I love this dork), Scorpia (she reminds me of myself so much and I really wanna give her hugs, I'm so glad she chose to no longer let Catra treat her like that even though I will be forever salty she just immediately forgave her), Peekablue (I can explain this even less than Seahawk, especially since it was not even really him in the end but his existence somehow helped me cope with Season 5, without him I probably would've left this fandom ... and also my favorite color is blue) and Double Trouble (now there's enough people already critcizing how they're not exactly great Non-binary representation but this dramatic lizard will forever be in my heart, that reality check they gave Catra, basically slapping her in the face with facts was satisfying as h*ck, also I like lizards overall).

Now there's plenty of characters I like, dislike (or even hate) or am simply indifferent about but after all this is not a tier list but me talking about Adora, Catra and Catradora. Adora started off as this girl that was so sure what she was doing is right but once she was taught differently she was willing to leave everything she knew (except Catra, because she valued her despite everything) behind. And not only that, she broke out of the abuse cycle that Catra tried so hard to keep upright. And that is exactly what makes Adora such a good role model. She teaches children (or people) that:

Your past doesn't define what/who you are or what/who you can become

-> Adora used to be a Horde soldier and did not know where she came from, but nonetheless she found herself a family and became a hero that saved thousands of people

You can always change your mind and start a new life if you feel disappointed in what you are doing/who you are as a person

-> Basically the exact same point, Adora started a new life as she saw what the Horde really was and changed her mind about who to fight for

You deserve love too, be it platonic or romantic (or se*ual???) (If you're aro and/or ace just ignore the part that does not work for you)

-> While Adora for various reasons thought her only use was to please others and meet their needs and expectations (mostly due to Shadow Weaver and Catra) she learned to accept that she too deserves love and validation (if the love aspect would not have been focused on it being romantic love so she could smooch Catra in the finale this would've been a billion times better because she got love from her friends that showed her her real value)

You can walk away from something/someone, that does not make you egoistic/selfish

-> Adora walked away from the Horde, after Catra stubbornly refused to come with her despite many offers (basically Catra broke the promise, not Adora) from her too and that did not make her a "traitor" or "selfish", h*ck, Adora in the end did this for a bigger purpose too, even if part of it was her not wanting to live with such wrong morals

Your opinions, feelings etc. about a person/something can change and that is perfectly fine and valid, being able to change is part of what makes someone human

-> Adora's views on many things changed throughout the show: The Horde and the Rebellion, the First Ones, Catra, being She-Ra, herself, her priorities and so on ... she actually makes use of her brain, which is why Catra saying "Don't you ge it?" or calling her an idiot and dumb never sat right with me, she's a realistic character for shifting with her thoughts, feelings etc. and sometimes just does not fully think things through

You don't have to let other people treat you like sh*t (just because they have some issues they never worked through does not give them any right to let it out on you)

-> This point is obviously centered mostly around Catra and her abusing Adora almost every chance she gets, which is why Adora standing up for herself and not letting Catra blame her for her own decisions and mistakes is so important, "You made your choice, now live with it" is one of the most powerful lines throughout all the five Seasons

Now I'm sure there is still more to Adora's character than what I just listed and unfortunately almost all the points basically got pushed aside, well, Adora as a character got pushed aside in Season 5. All her growth, the things that made me love her, see her as great role model for so many people robbed of their value for the sake of making everything revolve around Catra. That brings me to her and how you are absolutely right that Catradora is harmful to both characters. Of course Adora is affected most by it in the end but Catra too is obviously suffering under the fandoms obsession and just the overall idea of them being romantically involved.

Just like with Adora the stans make almost everything about Catra over her relationship with Adora. She too can barely exist outside of it and if she wasn't the fan favorite she'd most likely would too be mostly in Fanarts that include Adora and not just her (if you google "Catra Fanart" most content is still Catra and Catra only but here and there Catradora still peaks through). But for whatever reason the fandom still views her more as her own person as the other ones? Catrouble and Scorptra Shippers might actually still get less hate than Glimmadora Shippers (I'm not denying they don't get any, they most certaintly do) which is just plain hypocricy and favorism. Kinda like the: A woman needs to be loyal to her husband and her husband only but if the husband wants to be active with other women that is perfectly fine because "that is just how men are" or how i like to call it ... sexism. Now in this case they are both women so it's not sexism but yo do get my point.

But much more importantly, Catra has an unhealthy obsession with Adora. Signs of that are for example:

Constantly talking about Adora, even when said person is not around (to Shadow Weaver, Scorpia etc.)

Obsessing over having control over Adora like in that one Episode "Are you kidding? I finally got control over Adora, I'm not giving that up!"

Building her entire character and her actions around Adora "We need to take Adora down", "Adora left me", "I'd rather see the whole world end than see you win!", also shown in Season 5 where she states she does save Glimmer only for Adora and not for Glimmer or to do the right thing

Getting aggressive or very emotional over Adora like clawing the wall, having nightmares etc. (destructive behavior towards herself and others)

Having no or barely any characteristics outside of her relationship with Adora like, we don't know her interests or likes and dislikes outside of being evil, obsessed with Adora, being abused by Shadow Weaver ...

Trying to force Adora to meet her needs and expectations regardless of Adora's owns

Sacrificing her oppurtunity to be happy in the Crimson Waste for the sake of her Adora obsession and being better than her at all costs

So yes, you were very right with saying that not putting Catra in a relationship with Adora would've benefited both characters. Catra could've learned to exist on her own, develop interests and a life outside of Adora. Learn to accept herself and eventually come to terms with her childhood abuse. She could've been free and not "the abusive cat girl that ended up with the person she unhealthily obsessed over to the point of no return" she kinda is now. Even if we ignore the whole "dating your long term abuser" part from Adora's side and "being rewarded" for horrible behavior, Catra alone is not giving a good example to people watching. As much as I dislike Catra, disdain her even, an ending where she is dependent on Adora, unable to stand on her own two legs after she led armies in war is not what I would wish for her, even with a decent redemption arc (that she did not get).

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[mjrtaurus]

What your GM told you there is some of the most fucked up shit I've ever heard or read. This is not only disturbing but also damaging. So, even tho I'm an anonymous stranger from the other side of the planet and you've probably know this already, I want to tell you: they're wrong. 100%, completely wrong. You're neither defective, nor do you deserve anything that's been happening. Mental health issues are very really and very scary. They're wrong for telling you this shit. They're wrong for touching you without your consent anytime and especially while you're distressed. They're wrong for involving you in their prayer without consent. They're wrong for yelling at you. They're wrong in every single thing they've said. Please, please. Be safe. You don't deserve this.

Yeah, she has a lot of undiagnosed stuff and trauma going on with herself that she refuses to look into or get treatment for. She got wrapped up in a cult led by her son-in-law for a very long time, but managed to get out of it. She refuses to acknowledge that she has lasting damage from it all. She's cruel without entirely realizing she's cruel, and that is scarier to me than if she was aware.

She would be the same way with my uncle, who is also autistic. This led to him isolating himself and being so deeply depressed that he nearly fucking died of a stroke. He's in a nursing home now, paralyzed from the neck down and only able to breath with the help of a tracheostomy. Now she suddenly seems to care for him. Now that he is nursing home bound, I'm the next in line to be her emotional (and on very rare occasions, physical) punching bag.

She treats my mother like charity case, too. My mother who is in stage 5 kidney failure and has congenital heart failure on top of that. She likes to be controlling of us. She hates when we act independently because she feels it's an insult to her position as the head of the house.

She's a hoarder that goes on sprees of self-pity because "nobody helps" her, but when she is helped, she has the nasty tendency to look a gift horse in the mouth. She's ungrateful and cheap with any help she manages to get, and will insult and nitpick the people who aided her behind their backs.

She once had me clean the kitchen cabinets of expired dry goods, then immediately was infuriated with me for throwing out well over half of the dry goods even though they were often months to years out of date. I defended my actions, saying I was only doing exactly what she had told me to, and then she got pissed at me for daring to talk back to her. She said I was acting like Hitler.

She once decided it would be a perfectly good idea to pick up and hold a stray tomcat she had only been in contact with for five minutes. She immediately got bit by said tomcat. The bite got infected by morning, so I woke my mom up because I was having to go to one of my college classes and didn't want her to be alone. She got angry with me for doing this. She got angry with me for demanding she go to the hospital to get the bite treated.

She quoted the Bible at me, saying "rebellion is a sin of witchcraft" knowing damn well that the Bible states very clearly that you should execute practitioners of witchcraft (which is bullshit because most of these "witches" were just people with more advanced medical knowledge). Thus implying that I was nothing but a demon worshipping hag that needed to be burned alive.

She is entirely fucked up, and if my mother and I weren't financially dependant on our current arrangement with her, we would have left years ago.

She's a sick and cruel old woman and I'm trapped with her.

[fairy-changeling-bxy]

I don’t know about ‘not allowed to diagnose you’ but.... I was 10 or 11 the first time a doctor said I was — but it was specifically because my parents sought a second opinion on my (very accurate, actually) ADHD-Pi (at the time, only known as ADD) diagnosis.

They didn’t *really* understand what it was — still don’t understand ADHD *or* autism, despite a couple decades of opportunity to try and research it — and didn’t believe it was me(it definitely is; finding the online ADHD community has been a life changing experience!), and we were only talking to the new doctor as my parents wanted my ADD(ADHD-Pi) diagnosis overturned....

.

.... but in order to do that, you needed to get either the doctor who gave the diagnosis to change their mind — he refused(because he was right!) — or to get two other doctors to agree to outvote them....

I don’t know why it wasn’t pursued further..... perhaps they got scared off when the second opinion was The Dreaded Autism™️

(Lite™️, because the demands placed on me hadn’t yet outstripped my abilities and so they thought it was ‘mostly social problems’ :/ .....

..... however I crashed and burned a few years later, and when I finally got diagnosed at 17, almost 18 — specifically because my mum could no longer deny the truth* and was panicking over the thought of me being forced to try and meet NT standards of work and workplace & disability pension** requirements — I was diagnosed as autistic, ‘moderately severe’ even......

*My mum still denies I’m autistic. She’s happy to use it for sympathy points with other people, but refuses to acknowledge it with me. Will actively say to my face when she’s mad that I’m not.

????? She came with me to the appointment, that we couldn’t afford but she’d wrangled with a ‘leading’ doctor by crying about her fears for me and out of sympathy he gave us a free appointment! She was part of it every step of the way, she was part of the first half of interviews(and then the doctor spoke to me alone as well).

She sought after it, herself, unprompted; She organised the appointment; She brought me to the doctor; She was part of the diagnosis process; She made it happen..... but she refuses to acknowledge it with me — she thinks I will/do use it as ‘’’an excuse’’’ :/

**I’d been on DSP(disability support pension) as a child but they automatically kicked me off of it when I turned 16, to put me on Youth Allowance instead..... which is so incredibly ridiculous— and they didn’t tell us we could ‘reactive’ it to continue receiving that instead.

Uhhh, so basically idk, as someone slapped with an ‘F’ on my birth certificate (inaccurate as that may be; I’m trans, nonbinary & intersex) I just wanted to let you know it’s possible to be diagnosed as someone society sees as a girl, who is almost an adult, and your doctors are probably full of it? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also, a friend of mine who is slightly older than me — an Adult Woman, in her early thirties — recently got diagnosed as well, though they now use this ‘levels’ system :/

And they gave her ‘level 1’ which doesn’t... it’s just a bad system honestly, and her diagnosis doesn’t reflect her struggles at all.

I've been told by my GP and my old psychologist (who worked with me for 3+ years) as well as a few others that I'm on the spectrum but because (in Australia at least) I'm older then 7 (I'm 16 and also female) it's difficult to get to the offical diagnosis and I was wondering if it's weird that health professionals can confirm I have it but not be qualified to give the official documents? Maybe Australia's health care system is just weird. Anyway keep up the great work! 💙

I’ve literally never heard of anything like that before, it sounds weird, but I can’t confirm whether or not that’s just how it works over there. I would look it up for you, but I don’t think that would be much help considering you could just look it up yourself. Thank you for your question ^^

[autisticadventurer]

Autistic Pride

Age at diagnosis for autism can make a huge impact in a person’s life. Other factors, like how parents handle information, can also make a difference. My autism was first identified when I was a toddler, at the age of three, but I went undiagnosed because my parents refused to have me screened. It was brought up again at the age of eight but same response. My mom was only satisfied in denial. Because of how she dealt with it, I learned a lot of weird coping and camouflage methods that never made up a cohesive personality. In fact, I was probably one of the strangest, most incoherent, and difficult people to understand in spite of the fact that my natural personality is quite simple. But this natural personality was frequently punished, so I learned to hide it in different ways in different situations. I was nothing more than a mask with a shadow underneath.

When I was 19, I discovered that the shadow had a name and that name was asperger’s syndrome. I was overjoyed. This shadow finally made sense. I could tell my mom and she would understand and I would be able to stop acting around my friends and finally be myself. I would be able to get a job better suited to who I was... but none of that happened. I didn’t know that my mom already knew what the shadow was called; that she hated the shadow itself. I didn’t know that people would be so upset to learn that they had been making fun of the social differences of someone with social disability. I didn’t know that straight A’s in school didn’t translate into real world job success. 

My mom responded with such unexpected abuse to the information I discovered that I continued my life as a shadow wearing a mask. Knowing what the shadow was made it harder and harder to hide. I tried harder and harder to be the mask but eventually, it crumbled from overuse and confusion. Because nobody helped me to understand what it was really supposed to look like, it became even more distorted and problematic, never forming a cohesive personality but only bits and pieces of one depending on the situation I was in. After eight years, the weight of the mask become so unbearable that I attempted to end my life. It was while I was living in a facility that I was finally diagnosed. To this day, my mother has never acknowledged my diagnosis and when I shared it with her, she threatened to kill herself. There were people who had taken the time to see below the mask and they understood right away, but so many people reacted with violence to my diagnosis. I even heard, “You might be stupid but you’re not that stupid.” Um, pardon me but straight A’s in the IB program and College Honors is not the mark of a learning disability and not all Autistic people have learning disabilities anyway. 

So what do I have to be proud of? I survived. I survived being raised by a woman who refused to see me because the sight of me caused her pain. I survived being verbally abused for wanting to pursue a science degree to the point that I gave up. I survived being fired from nearly all of my jobs because they simply weren’t the kind of thing that I can reliably perform on a daily basis. I survived two suicide attempts. I’ve survived the the violent reactions of people who hate to see anyone stand up and say, “Hey, it’s okay to be autistic. We’re people, too.” Every day I survive knowing that my life isn’t what I hoped it would be if only I had been allowed to pursue my dreams. I survive nosey neighbors and sexual harassment and bullying from people who think they know who I am without taking the time to get to know me at all. It takes a lot of strength to live openly autistic, just to hope that the effort makes it easier for others, and that someday Autism won’t be seen as shameful. 

So yes, I am proud to be autistic, but even moreso, I am proud of myself. 

[kansascityhappenings]

Southern Missouri woman charged with killing her daughter who had autism

http://w3.cdn.anvato.net/player/prod/anvload.html?key=eyJtIjoiYW52IiwidiI6IjQxNTcxMDAiLCJhbnZhY2siOiJhbnZhdG9fbWNwX2Fudl93ZWJfcHJvZF83OTE0MDc0OTBmNGMxZWYyYTRiY2IyMTEwM2UwY2IxYmNiMzM1MmIzIiwicGx1Z2lucyI6eyJhbmFseXRpY3MiOnsicGRiIjo2ODUxMTcyMiwic2VydmVyVVJMIjoiaHR0cDovL2FuYWx5dGljcy12Mi5hbnZhdG8uY29tL1ZpZGVvQW5hbHl0aWNzL3NyYy92aWRlb19sb2cucGhwIn0sImRmcCI6eyJjbGllbnRTaWRlIjp7ImFkVGFnVXJsIjoiaHR0cDovL3B1YmFkcy5nLmRvdWJsZWNsaWNrLm5ldC9nYW1wYWQvYWRzP3N6PTY0MHgzNjAmaXU9LzQ0MzIvaGJpLmtzdHB0di9OZXdzJmltcGw9cyZnZGZwX3JlcT0xJmVudj12cCZvdXRwdXQ9eG1sX3Zhc3QyJnVudmlld2VkX3Bvc2l0aW9uX3N0YXJ0PTEmdXJsaHR0cDovL2tzdHAuY29tL25ld3MvYmlvbG9naWNhbC1tb3RoZXItc2F2YW5uYWgtbGVja2llLWN1c3RvZHktb3phcmstY291bnR5LW1pc3NvdXJpLzQ1ODI5MjAvP2NhdD0xJmRlc2NyaXB0aW9uX3VybD1odHRwJTNBJTJGJTJGa3N0cC5jb20lMkZuZXdzJTJGYmlvbG9naWNhbC1tb3RoZXItc2F2YW5uYWgtbGVja2llLWN1c3RvZHktb3phcmstY291bnR5LW1pc3NvdXJpJTJGNDU4MjkyMCUyRiUzRmNhdCUzRDEmY29ycmVsYXRvcj0xNTAzNTE5NjQxNjc5JmFkX3J1bGU9MSJ9fSwicmVhbFRpbWVBbmFseXRpY3MiOnRydWV9LCJodG1sNSI6dHJ1ZX0=

THEODOSIA, Mo. (AP) — A Missouri woman was charged Tuesday with killing the autistic teenage daughter she gave up for adoption as a baby, weeks after the girl’s remains were found in a burn pit on her remote property and months after the girl moved back from Minnesota, where she was raised.

Rebecca Ruud, 39, is charged with first-degree murder, abuse of a child resulting in death and second-degree felony murder in the killing of her 16-year-old biological daughter, Savannah Leckie. She is also charged with tampering with physical evidence and abandoning a corpse, said Ozark County Prosecutor John Garrabrant. He declined to say whether anyone else would be charged, but Sheriff Darrin Reed said the investigation is ongoing and more charges are expected.

Ruud is being held in the Ozark County jail. A cellphone number listed as hers wasn’t working, and the public defender’s office didn’t immediately reply to a phone message seeking comment.

Rebecca Ruud’s booking photo from the Ozark County Jail

According to a probable cause statement filed with the charges, Ruud reported a fire on July 18 on the property where she and her now-husband live in Theodosia, a village of about 250 people near Missouri’s southern border with Arkansas. She told fire officials she was burned trying to save the girl from the fire, but refused to let them talk to Savannah.

Two days later, Ruud reported that Savannah had gone missing, investigators said. She later gave differing accounts of how she was injured but claimed Savannah ran away because she blamed herself for starting the fire.

Several searches of the property turned up human teeth, a meat grinder, a knife and 26 bottles of lye, which can be used to accelerate the breakdown of bodily tissue, according to court documents. Human bone fragments were found in a field about 400 yards (365 meters) from the home on Aug. 4. During that search, Ruud and her husband left the farm and got married.

A forensic analysis identified the remains as Savannah’s, the sheriff said.

Ruud was arrested at a Greyhound Bus station on Saturday. She had bought a ticket to Kansas City and her husband, who has not been charged, had a ticket to Memphis, Tennessee. Investigators arrested her because she was known to have contacts in several states and is affiliated with groups involved in living off the public grid, according to the probable cause statement.

Ruud told investigators that she put Savannah up for adoption when she was born and that the girl spent most of her life in Minnesota. Affidavits filed in support of search warrants describe Savannah as having high-functioning autism.

Savannah’s adoptive mother, Tamile Leckie-Montague, asked Ruud last November to take the teen because Savannah couldn’t get along with her fiancé, Cary Steeves. Ruud agreed and was given power of attorney. After the girl moved to Missouri, she was home-schooled and had “almost no social contacts,” according to an affidavit.

Ruud’s ex-boyfriend, Buddy Smart, told investigators he had seen her discipline Savannah by forcing her to crawl through a hog pen and making her to bathe in a pond, the affidavit states. Ruud acknowledged that was true and told investigators that when Savannah cut her arm “in a suicidal gesture,” she forced the girl to scrub the wound daily with alcohol and salt as punishment.

Steeves told Minneapolis television station KSTP-TV that Savannah “needed a lot of one-on-one focus and the farm just seemed like a really good place for her at the moment.” He told the Star-Tribune that Leckie-Montague last spoke to Savannah on June 3, which was her 16th birthday, and that there was “nothing like big, red flags” suggesting anything was amiss.

Leckie-Montague, who lives in the Minneapolis suburb of Columbia Heights, told authorities that Ruud “continually complained” about how Savannah was acting on the farm and the time and money it took to care for the girl, according to the probable cause statement.

Leckie-Montague issued a news release Tuesday thanking Missouri investigators and asking for privacy for her and her family.

“Our family is in deep grief and is mourning Savannah as her remains were identified yesterday. This is not the outcome that we were hoping and praying for,” she wrote.

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports http://fox4kc.com/2017/08/23/southern-missouri-woman-charged-with-killing-her-daughter-who-had-autism/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2017/08/23/southern-missouri-woman-charged-with-killing-her-daughter-who-had-autism/