#also prepare your ears because that English translation comes out of nowhere and is fucking loud lol

[leonsliga]

On today’s episode of They Might as Well Be Canon…

[ramblinganthropologist]

Inktober Day 6 - Drooling

Summary: It’s two marines and a baby, what could go wrong? Apparently, a lot. That’s what  Bo Peep and Alistair Shepard discover while waiting out a sandstorm with a baby in the middle of nowhere. A baby Turian, to be exact. They definitely don’t get paid enough for this shit... but at least they’re cute. Bo’s still going to murder whoever left them alone, though.

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Easy mission, they said... easy mission her ass. This shit was cursed.

“Is anyone out there? Repeat, Commander Shepard x 2 with a civilian. Damn it, somebody answer me!”

The communicator was still not responding thanks to the fine mess they had gotten themselves into that wonderful day.  Bo Peep Shepard groaned in disgust as she resisted the urge to punch something. Instead, she slid down the wall into a sitting position. It was the better to look just what the fuck had happened.

No way N7 would have prepared her for this.

“Easy, little one. I'm not going to hurt you... I think... am I even holding you right?”

Alistair Shepard frowned as he tried to make the screeching bundle in his arms a little more comfortable. They had found it – them – in the fucked up building they had wound up in after getting separated from their third member. Somewhere, Garrus was up to his ass in a sandstorm. If only he was there instead.

Yeah,they had traded him in for a fucking baby Turian; the combat specs were better across the board when it came to hand-to-hand combat.

It was the first time she had really seen a baby Turian alone. Normally, you could barely find them – their parents were like fucking hawks. Once, maybe, she thought she had seen bright eyes peek out at her from a cowl. But that was then, and this was a baby right in their fucking face, scream-crying at them. Or at least it sounded like scream-crying. Maybe that was a baby universal.

“Are you hungry? You're not hurt.” Alistair was trying without success to calm the baby down. When that didn't work, he sighed and pressed his helmet. “Damn it, the English-to-Turian isn't working.”

“Maybe they speak Krogan.”

Her companion shot her a dirty look as he continued to try and comfort the baby nestled in his arms. At least it had a blanket to protect it from bumping up against the armor. Unlike adult Turians, babies were kind of... squishy. More solid than a human baby for sure, but definitely more fragile than the adults. No wonder Turian parents freaked out so much if their kids tried to get away; she would too if she was made of metal and her offspring was squishy.

Well, maybe not. No matter how squishy they were, kids were off the table for her. No thanks.

“Keep trying to reach Garrus. Maybe he can sort this out.” Alistair careful stood, still cradling the baby in his arms. “You don't seem to fuss as much when I'm walking around. Do you like that?”

Instead of a scream, the baby let out a little peep that reminded her of an earth robin. Well, that settled that. Robin it was until they discovered just who they were and where the fuck their parents got to without them. They were definitely going to hear it from her when this damn storm cleared and they found wherever they were hiding..

Their little bundle of joy was giving her a migraine. That and, you know, baby abandonment. Not cool.

Outside, their little hiding spot, the storm still raged. It didn't seem to scare Robin, surprisingly. Now that they weren't scream-crying at every motion, they looked like a pretty normal baby. Or maybe this was how Turians portrayed deathly terror as children. It was kind of up in the air.

“Remind me to look up how to take care of babies for like ten species when we get back to the Normandy.” Alistair adjusted Robin to hold them a little higher. “Hey, do you like that? You're not squirming as much.”

The only answer he got was a stream of drool that dribbled between their mandibles thanks to the lack of teeth and other useful mouth things. At least one thing was consistent between the species: babies drooled. Now, if they were lucky it wouldn't be acid or some other nasty substance. It wasn't melting armor, so that was a good sign.

“Robin has marked you as their own.” Bo snickered as she watched Alistair shoot her a dirty look. “What, it might be true. You didn't do the research on babies.”

“Neither did you.” As Robin began to fuss, Alistair  turned back to them. “Sorry, sorry, guess you don't like that much. I'll clean you right up right away.”

Despite his misgivings, he was pretty good with the baby. Really, when it came to kids he was the Shepard to go to about it. Maybe it was because he was so low to the ground and looked like an easy target, but they tended to be more comfortable with him. Of course, she had a pretty small sample size of random kids they had picked up on missions, so it was hard to tell. He might just have been the more comforting of the two of them.

She didn't mind that – again, not really a kid person.

“There we go, all clean.” Robin was soon high in the air, and Bo swore that was a giggle. Could Turians do that? “Aww, I think they're happy. Are you happy?”

More drool hit Alistair square in the face as an answer. “I'll take that as a yes.”

He continued to cradle the baby in his arms as they watched the storm swirl. With any luck, it would die down in the hour and they could continue their search for their missing crew member. Then, he could, you know, talk to Robin in a language they might actually understand. Translators didn't exactly work on babies.

Believe her – they tried.

“I hope we find their parents soon... it's nasty out there.” When Robin fussed in his arms, he cradled them closer. “It's ok, I'm here. It's really dusty out there right now, but we'll get you back with your family soon. Promise.”

Their newest crew member probably didn't understand a damn word he said, but the tone probably helped. More peeping, softer this time. Their eyes were closing. At last, it was Turian nap time. With it would come a little peace from the screaming.

Bo looked back at Robin as they slept. Apart from the dirt that came from the storm, they looked pretty clean. The blanket they'd wrapped them in wasn't patched either. And if the y had been hungry, shit it would've been murder.

Definitely not abandoned. Missing, possibly.

“When we find the family, I'm gluing that blanket to their hands.”

Alistair snorted as he cradled Robin closer to keep them warm. With the storm, it was getting colder. Palaven was a pretty warm place, so maybe they were like a bird and needed all the heat they could get. Where was a heat lamp when you needed one?

“I'll get the glue. You hold them.”

Excellent, it was a plan. Now all they had to do was sit back and wait through the dust that still slammed against the outside of the building. In a way, it reminded her of the rain. Only it was dry and hurt like a bitch when it hit exposed skin. Acid rain maybe? Eh, metaphors weren't her thing.

At least holding kids was somebody's. Alistair looked right at home with Robin snuggled close to his body. Maybe he wasn't holding them completely right, but it wasn't like they were complaining either. And they were breathing, so, good sign.

In a way, this was kind of practice for him. You know, for babies and all.

“Least you'll know how to hold them when you and Garrus have one.”

It was fun to watch Alistair's cheeks turn red. He tried to start up, but that would've woken Robin out of her nap. So all he could do was flush scarlet and glare at her like she had let his hamster out of the airlock. It kind of reminded her of Saren, actually – must've been the puffed out cheeks he swear he didn't do.

“Shut it.”

Ever so eloquent. No wonder he was humanity's first Spectre.

They lapsed into silence after that, Bo checking out the window ever so often to gauge the storm. It was definitely getting lighter, but nothing they would go out in yet. She frowned and looked down at her omni-tool. The cracked surface was at least lighting up. Maybe they had made it through the worst of it.

“Mandibles, if you're out there, fucking say something.”

Some god or spirit must have heard her, because Bo's vulgarity was met with static instead of silence. Then she heard bits of a voice trying to break through the interference. It was the translated voice of a Turian who's ass she was going to kick. However, it was music to her ears. For a brief moment, she could guess why her companion got so goofy over him.

Just for a moment. Then the homosexuality kicked in.

“-ou, Shepard?”

Bo flashed Alistair a thumbs up as she twisted the omni-tool for better reception. “Come on, Mandibles, talk to me.”

A bit more static, but she caught him this time. “Stuck with some civilians. We're waiting out the storm nearby. You got someone with you too?”

Even though it sounded like English to her, it was still Turian. Robin's little head picked up from their sound sleep and they were suddenly looking right at Bo with huge green eyes. She had seen marbles that were smaller, and for a second she wondered if Owl wouldn't have been a better name to call them by instead.

Damn, huge eyes. They definitely shrunk when they aged up.

“Yeah, a baby. Al's keeping an eye on them. Red blanket, green eyes. Can't tell you much other than that.”

There was some commotion in the back wherever Garrus was. The translator couldn't pick it up, but she definitely heard squawking and a screech like an eagle. Robin definitely perked up at that and started peeping like crazy. Also, wiggling, they were doing that too. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was what, that was for sure.

Looks like they found the idiots. Now she just needed to get some glue.

“You're not going to believe this, but I have her parents with me here. They got separated earlier.” Garrus definitely sounded relieved as he turned to relay something to the idiots who were going to get their hands glued together when she found them. “What are your coordinates? We'll head over when the storm clears.”

Bo was more than happy to give them over, especially since they got to sit on their asses and wait at this point. Robin definitely looked cheerier as she continued to peep at her parents through the omni-tool. Soon, she would be back with them and her babysitters would be able to go take a goddamn nap.

“I don't really care, just get here. Robin's been drooling on us and shit.”

Garrus made a confused sound at the end. “They said her name was Vita.”

“Placeholder, damn it, we don't speak Turian.” she groaned. “Just get here, Mandibles, before she imprints on Al or something and you have to take her home.”

Of course, judging from how much Vita/Robin was drooling on Alistair, she may have already marked her territory. Well, they would have to settle that when the parents got there and she made sure they never let go again. Until then, she kept her eyes to the window to watch for their arrival. Then, fuck, she was taking a nap.

This was why she didn't want kids. Even strangely cute little Turian ones with owl eyes and a propensity for drooling on people.  It was definitely going into her weirder mission folder for sure. But until then... babysitting it was.

The Alliance was definitely not going to believe this one. Luckily, Alistair was the one who had to write THAT report.