#also of course we get another BANGIN SOUNDTRACK

[lynxgriffin]

DELTARUNE Chapter 2 Thoughts!!!

WOOO OKAY I stayed up WAY too late trying to finish Deltarune Chapter 2 last night!! It took me awhile because I suck at video games, but I finally did it!

While I normally type up commentary as I play first time, I didn’t get the chance to do that here, so I’ll get down all my general thoughts here!

Unspoilery thoughts: loved it, knew I would, will need to replay soon to see what all I missed, and am excited for whatever’s next!

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 2 under the cut!!

(These are just as I think of them, not in any particular order!)

Okay overall I can see why this took two years and a much larger team to complete, the second chapter is SO much more expansive and heavy on scene-specific animations! It all looks SO GOOD

I already love Susie but now I love her even more, her expressions were SO GOOD

Susie has a (little nubby) tail confirmed?? That’s adorable

Okay this game is definitely reading the chapter 1 data, which I find interesting because I didn’t obtain it through Steam last time

But like, I gave the “Susie eats chalk” response to Noelle last time, and in chapter two she gave Susie the box of chalk, so awwww!

Also I missed Onionsan in my initial computer playthrough, so they didn’t show up this time, just got a moment of Susie and Kris sitting by the river together!

I find it REALLY interesting that while Ralsei is a Darkner, apparently he can jump around to other Dark Worlds whereas other Darkners like Lancer and Rouxls can’t so much…hmmm!

It was so nice to see everyone filling out the town now, though!

Noooo Susie probably doesn’t have her own room at home, awwww

Kris just casually jumping up to the classroom and bringing everyone back tho, perfect

Was right on there being multiple dark worlds in other locations, but honestly that part’s the least surprising to me, that always seemed like a pretty standard path to take!

The werewires were creepy and great; difficult to battle tho

QUEEN IS MY NEW FAVORITE

EVERY LINE OF HERS WAS A+

I’m so glad that I didn’t really go anywhere with Jevil’s line about the Queen in PT; nothing I came up with could’ve topped Queen being an absolute acid trip of an antagonist in this chapter

NOELLE SO SWEET

Her lil’ robot disguise! Her being afraid of mice at first!

I kinda wish we could have had her in the party more? She was super useful as a party member, honestly!

But sadly I guess we’re not gonna get more than the three-person party, awww

B E R D L Y

I cannot believe Berdly basically became incel Falco but also had a sympathetic backstory

Like I laughed a lot at all of Berdly’s expressions and dialogue while also going BERDLY YOU ARE THE WORST

Noelle’s WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? part = A+

I feel like Queen’s relationship with Noelle definitely had some uncomfy parallels with probably how she is dealing with her real mom

I AM NOT GOOD AT PUNCH-OUT AND THERE WAS A LOT OF THAT

I somehow missed the part where Susie is wearing Ralsei’s glasses??? Where is this

Also in general there was a LOT of puzzles and gameplay in the overworld map, which I was bad at but was also very cool

KRIS GET THE BANANA

The dolphin pop-up ads…

I DID NOT LIKE THE SPAMTON GUY

DISCOMFORT THE WHOLE TIME

Apparently he’s also the secret boss for this chapter?? That’s at least if the soundtrack is anything to go by. Maybe I’ll go back and try it on another playthrough, but aaaaagggghhhg

SO MANY GOOD SUSELLE MOMENTS

MY LIL SHIPPER HEART HAS A NICE SERVING AND WANTS MORE

The whole deal with the ferris wheel conversation and just awwwwuuuuuuh

Needs more Susiezilla now too (I picked the “something romantic” option because of course)

MORE PLZ, LET’S DIG DEEPER HERE

Also I cannot believe Susie has (at least) two people crushing on her and is just totally oblivious to it

There’s SO Many interesting HMM moments with Kris and that definitely included the entire acid tunnel of love scene with Kris and Ralsei

Interrupted of course by an appropriately silly Rouxls battle

But man the more we see (or often DON’T see) of Ralsei the more intriguing it gets

LET NOELLE RIDE IN THE TEACUP RIDE WITH SUSIE

I just knew going back to get that chest without Noelle would be something dumb

OKAY I ended up dying a lot to 1) the Mauswheel, and 2) the color-changing butlers?? So I ended up having to do the whole sequence with annoying dog blasting through everything in his path multiple times

I DID feel bad for Berdly during that boss battle where he was werewired; that was nice and body horror-ish

That said… “I NEED A KISS FROM A GAMER GIRL”

The giant mecha boss battle absolutely kicked my ass, though

Like it WAS badass but that took me a LOT of tries to get through

My thrash machine was very GUN’S

Overall the difficulty curve was definitely stepped up from chapter 1!

LOTS MORE DARK WORLD AND KNIGHT LORE FROM RALSEI HERE

And lots of talk about Noelle being pretty important to it, too!

I’m glad I got to bring Susie on the walkaround this time around town!

I AM GOING TO BE YOUR WACKY ROOMMATE NOW

King and Queen’s entire conversation was so hilarious

King just slides over to suck on that sweet, sweet giant hamster water bottle

BUNKER STILL BEIN SUSPICIOUS

Aww the pizzeria is not a creepy mascot Chuck-E-Cheese’s style, tho

Confirmation that Gerson was Alvin’s father! And I feel like there’s a lot we’re missing there, too

Still not allowed to see Papyrus…

Catti’s parents…

I wasn’t expecting this at all, but it feels like they may be introducing way more Lightners to the Dark World with each chapter, since both Noelle and Berdly ended up there?

And if that’s the case, I feel like it’s hinting that Catti and/or Jockington may be next

SUSIE STAYING AT KRIS’S PLACE FOR A SLEEPOVER WAS SO SWEET

IMMEDIATELY UNDERCUT BY KRIS GOING FERAL AGAIN

Like I dunno the whole scenario somehow managed to be both REALLY sinister and very funny at once??

Susie and Toriel are busy laughing and making a pie together, meanwhile Kris just sneaks the hell out and slashes Toriel’s tires because it’s KNIVES OUT TIME

Please let Susie watch more giant monster (and giant human) movies with her friends, she needs this

THAT SAID, THAT ENDING

HMM HMM HMMMMMMMMMM

SO THIS SEEMS TO BE INDICATING THAT KRIS IS THE KNIGHT

Which like…is in fact making SOME KIND OF SENSE in my head overall, but I definitely need more context to see how exactly

Like I’m all “THIS FEELS RIGHT BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY, I NEED MOOOORE”

Considering Ralsei’s reaction to Noelle and Berdly trying to make a new fountain, this definitely seems to be setting up some kind of future confrontation between Kris and Ralsei, which! HMMMM

I THINK IT’S TIME FOR THIS GIF AGAIN

Basically I HAD A GRAND TIME, I NEED TO REPLAY, EXCITED FOR THE REST WHENEVER IT COMES

[blushingallthewayhome052013]

Cruel Summer is absolutely

GENIUS.

here are my reasons according to the lyrics (I think they’re right?):

Fever dream high

In the quiet of the night

You know that I caught it (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

she dreams of him in the middle of the night- especially during those quiet moments where he fills her thoughts. The “fever” she refers to are all the side effects of falling in love .... something that she’s kinda afraid to succumb to again. Especially when she feels all this so soon.

Bad, bad boys

Shiny toy with a price

You know that I bought it (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

I think here she is saying that he’s too good to be true. He’s a “shiny toy” meaning that his appearance is too good to have a bangin’ personality too. But of course, she can’t help but buy into this and fall in love, “you know that I bought it”. ALSO whenever she refers to him and says “you’re right” it kind of radiates that confidence she introduces us to in Gorgeous.

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

This love is killing her because it’s bringing out alllll her inner romantic feels. Longing for him out the window? Check. Waiting for him to be waiting below her window? Check. She wants him to be going out of his way to see her and long for her by surprising.

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

THIS LINE IS SO CLEVER. It honestly took me a while to figure it out but I think it means that devils (aka players) play games when it comes to love making it feel fake and angels (aka serious contenders) roll their eyes at these games and are all in when they love someone.

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

She’s all in. When you love someone you bring out an inner vulnerability that has the potential to kill you if it ends. So al these things that make her happy makes her want him more but also the passion involved that feels like it could break but doesn’t.

And it's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

Of course, this love is new. I think the blue metaphor is fascinating here. It could mean SO MANY THINGS. Like what is her significance with blue?? Is it the color of his eyes that makes his body radiate that color or something? LIKE WHAT IS IT TAYLOR I NEED TO KNOW.

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It’s a cruel summer cause she’s still nervous to fall in love. I friggin’ love this play on the phrase “summer romance”. It’s funny too because people called my relationship a summer romance the first summer we dated cause we were in high school and look at us now! Married!! Hahaha take that!! Okay I got off track. But yeah, the feeling is all about passion and seeing if that passion can last and be a positive thing that won’t burn out.

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

I freaking love these too. Okay, playin’ it cool. There’s no rules right? If I don’t make rules regarding what “this” even is then I can’t get hurt right? That’s the vibe I feel with that lyric. With the “breakable Heaven” (GENIUS) she’s referring to this love being absolutely Heaven to her, but it’s still breakable. It’s not concrete to her yet. It’s still a fragile love but damn it’s got some potential to be flipping amazing and greater than anything that exists on Earth (aka Heaven).

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Repeat Cruel Summer explanation here :)

Hang your head low

In the glow of the vending machine

I'm not dying (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

Even when he’s getting some snickers from the vending machine he looks hot af and the fluorescent lights makes him glow (another angelic quality I may add) how the heck can that cringe light make someone glow?? Now that’s love. But again she reiterates “I’m not dying”. She refuses to let herself fall too hard, but it seems like that isn’t possible anymore.

We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

It seems like lover boy is feeling some of the same feelings? The fame might be too much for an actual love to exist. Of course this ends up being possible and so worth it and UGH I LOVE LOVE :,)

We're not trying (oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

We’re not “trying” because they’re still refusing to actually say that they’re in love and be in a relationship.

So cut the headlights

Summer's a knife

I'm always waiting for you

Just to cut to the bone

This one is tricky. I want to say the “cut the headlights” means that she’s giving in. Cut the headlights and let’s be in love and kiss and all that good stuff. But then she goes back to “Summer’s a knife” (beautiful imagery omg) saying that this summer could cut her to the bone (aka wound her heart) if this ends up falling apart.

Devils roll the dice

Angels roll their eyes

And if I bleed

You'll be the last to know

She’s trying to keep it cool here. It’s so coy, like “my poker face is so good you’ll never know my true feelings”. So if he does in fact end up hurting her, he’ll never know. She wants to build a rock wall around her emotions so she can’t get hurt.

Oh, it's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine", but it wasn't true

THIS BRIDGE. This bridge is where all her true emotions come out. It’s like the end of summer where all this has bubbled up and a little alcohol makes it explode and her poker face breaks down. Crazy how alcohol works like that! But again she’s trying to regain that poker face by saying she’s “fine”.

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

So she doesn’t want to keep it secret that they’re in love. I mean not to the public kind of secret, but secret to him that she loves him. Make sense?

And I, snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

Ahhhh the allusion. Love that. The forbodden garden. Like Adam and Even- temptation. She walked into her temptation by creating a relationship with him and falling head over heels in love with him and THAT’S what sealed her fate. Giving in to a love that was impossible to forget.

And I screamed, "For whatever it's worth"

"I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

He looks up, grinning like a devil

This part is freaking precious. She confesses this monstrous secret that she loves him and he just looks up grinning like an idiot like “yeah, I know. I love you too”. PRECIOUS. And the devil bit I think is just about how his smile gives off this radiance of playfulness.

It's new

The shape of your body, it's blue

The feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool

That's what I tell 'em, no rules

In breakable Heaven but

Ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine", but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I, snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

And I screamed, "For whatever it's worth"

"I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

Reiterating the bridge? Brilliant. It so deserves to be sung twice!!

Now, this is how I interrupt it. Idk if it’s right, but that’s why I love this song soooo much. It’s so unique and open to interpretation. Love that Taylor !!!!

Also, this album is the soundtrack to this newly married woman’s life and I LOVE(R) it! So many bops. So many emotions. It basically radiates all sorts of shades of pastels :,)

@taylorswift

@taylornation

[minaminokyoko]

The Old Guard: A (Disappointed) Spoilertastic Review

I hate 2020.

For many reasons, of course, but there is this particular nastiness it seems to have, like it’s getting revenge on us for our past and current sins.

And the Old Guard feels like part of that revenge.

I haven’t read the graphic novel, so please understand the following review is based on the film alone. I was on board with getting to see my queen and girl crush Charlize Theron kick some ass and rock that bangin’ brunette pageboy haircut that only she can and yet what this movie gave me is a raging case of 2020. This concept isn’t anything new or original, but it should have been a walk in the park. It has solid actors and a simple premise.

So why was it total bullshit?

I’m so angry. I’ve said before how certain movies feel like someone had all the ingredients to make a hot, delicious pizza and yet when they combined them, they came up with Brussel sprouts somehow. This movie is a lazy mess. It has about a handful of decent moments, but overall, it’s negligent. It doesn’t care. It doesn’t care to show you its potential. It’s just a tired, by the numbers, dull action movie that’s wasting the talent that it managed to gather together. Maybe that’s why I’m so mad. It’s clear that this could have been fantastic, but the apathy in the writing turned into a grey, flavorless bore.

Sigh. Let’s swing the ax already and get this over with.

Overall Grade: C-/D+

Spoilers ahead.

Pros:

·         I signed on for Charlize Theron and at least I got what I wanted, which was her kicking ass but still giving us a few soft moments of vulnerability. This is why I will follow this woman to the grave. Charlize Theron is one of my favorite actresses because she’s so good at showing what women are capable of as characters. She has such a wide range of acting skills, giving us a cold, bitter woman but at the same time showing hints of inner kindness and strength and love. This movie barely has many redeeming qualities, but she’s by far one of the best parts. The movie knows it, as she is the only one we really get to “know” over the course of the film.

·         Joe and Nicky are the only other characters providing any warmth or emotion in the film. It’s badly needed. I was so let down that they didn’t show Nile’s introduction to the team because, to me, I got the sense that Joe and Nicky are the heart. They seem in touch with their emotions and not as cynical and hardened by their “immortality” as Andy. They seem to still care about helping people, even at the cost of themselves, and they could have been such a strong anchor if the movie invested more time in them. Both actors are solid and believable in the roles and it’s a pity they weren’t given more to do than to be the victims who needed rescuing.

·         The action, for the most part, is solid. It’s pretty average, though. Nothing surprising. It’s the moves you’ve seen if you watched John Wick or Atomic Blonde, so keep that in mind.

·         The effects are solid, particularly for their healing factor. It’s smooth and polished looking.

·         What little bits and pieces we see between teammates is likable. They seem genuinely fond and protective of each other and it’s not in focus enough, but when it is, it’s nice.

·         The soundtrack is pretty good.

Cons:

·         Lack of explanation. Look, I get it. You don’t want to load your entire movie up with exposition, but it’s very simple and easy to pace it out. You don’t have to dump it all in one spot, or if you do, then you can simply be strategic about it. Most good movies also know how and where to integrate the exposition and story into sequences where the characters are performing an action so that you don’t notice the exposition as you have something visual to distract you and keep your attention while you’re watching the movie. The Old Guard doesn’t care about all your questions. It just thinks you should accept whatever it jams down your throat, no matter how goddamn unbelievable it is. They explain so little of what’s going on to Nile that after the halfway point, you might as well throw up your arms and forget everything you wanted to know about the group. They answer nothing at all, yet expect Nile to throw in her lot with them for however long she’ll be alive. What’s frustrating is that you have solid actors who could pull off the emotional angles of the hard decisions they chose to make as semi-immortal beings. It pisses me off that they don’t explain anything because the motivations are what make us all care about the characters. For instance, why become soldiers? No one said they had to fight for humanity, especially since they JUST heal wounds. They aren’t super fast or super strong. They could have very easily simply acquired wealth over the centuries and used that wealth to invest in things that help people. Why do they have to be fighters? Oh, right, because it’s cooler.

·         Lazy writing. The number of plotholes in this thing, due in part to lack of explanation, is stunning. I mean, it’s just so goddamn fucking lazy. It doesn’t care about its own material. It just needs to get from Point A to Point B by taking the most shortcuts possible. I can’t handle how little the movie cares about its own content. I can go point by point for laziness. We can start with how no one wanted to ask Nile ANYTHING after she came back from the dead. They just got mad and scared, but they didn’t say anything when she was still on the military base. What the actual fuck is that? And they just left her alone afterward, expecting her to follow orders? Uh, that’s not how that works. Her friends would be asking her a billion questions and the medics would have asked her even more questions than that. She wouldn’t just be walking around of her own free will, especially not in this day and age where science is obsessed with figuring out the why of humanity. They’d have kept her locked up and started examining her the second she healed the neck wound. And that’s just right off the cuff. Don’t get me started on her five second “I don’t want to march in your parade” bullshit that is just so clearly the second act breakdown moment to have the hero come back and save them in the third act schtick. How is Nile somehow calling out Andy for killing those men in the church when she was LITERALLY a Marine, who is TRAINED TO KILL BAD PEOPLE???? That made NO sense. But again, this movie doesn’t care. It doesn’t care about fucking anything. Booker’s betrayal was painfully telegraphed and it was also another plothole, as Andy has been alive for thousands of years and would have felt that the weight of her gun would be off without its ammo. She also would’ve checked her rounds before going in hot. Then there’s even smaller details, like it being broad daylight when they’re brought into that lab and then they have a shootout but there’s NO ONE on the streets when they leave, but then they leave and THEN all the people magically reappear. Go fuck yourself. This movie is an insult to average intelligence. It just expects you to open up and swallow every bit of its bullshit over and over again, squandering its own potential. It’s so infuriating.

·         Cliché placeholder dialogue. The dialogue is so unimaginative that I’m pretty sure a bot wrote it. You can tell beat for beat what’s going to happen fifteen minutes before it happens on-screen. The movie really does not think much of its audience. It doesn’t have a unique take on pretty much anything at all, which is a crying shame, really. There are plenty of juicy angles for character and action that they could have gone for and didn’t.

·         Not enough time is spent getting to know anyone except for Andy, and even she is given drive-by characterization. Nile is a huge loss. As a black woman, I am always dying to see black women in science fiction/fantasy stories because there is a severe lack of representation. I was hoping Nile would get a bigger stake in everything, but she’s just a chess piece. The movie doesn’t delve into her life, her wants, her needs, basically anything at all. They mention her family repeatedly, but they don’t go into detail to make you care and understand what a loss it is to leave them behind. It’s especially shitty when her bonding with Booker could have been a great emotional moment. Their origins line up well. She could have had conversations with him, arguing that she should be allowed to tell her family or at least say goodbye, and Booker could share his own tragic backstory with her to explain why it’s better for them to remain solitary. Then his betrayal would have hit even harder. Then Nile would have felt personally betrayed. It’s so ridiculous that there is all this set up of pain and interesting backstories that the movie just flatout ignores. Especially Quynh. Quynh ’s story will haunt me for the rest of my days, personally, but even that was left as an untied thread. It’s clear from that pompous ending that there’s either already a sequel planned or in progress, but personally, this movie let me down so hard I hope it doesn’t happen. Not unless a much better filmmaker and writing team comes along. Quynh’s untied thread is a blatant show of how they still think they deserve your time after showing you how little they care about their own material. They introduced the idea and then abandoned it without fully exploring what it meant. It’s clear that her horrible fate is painful to them all, so not giving it the adequate time to be explored is just even more insulting to the audience.

·         Lack of imagination. For instance, we have some Mark Zuckerberg-looking villain spouting the same tired dialogue from the idiot villain in the Venom movie. There also is no creativity in the action. We could have done some fun things utilizing their healing factors during fight sequences, but there’s not much to them. Just standard punches and kicks and headshots. Then there’s the boring dead wife betrayer guy who is inexplicably left alive after accusing said cartoony villain of murdering them. He has ALL the information to take to the CIA or FBI or just ANYONE IN GENERAL IN INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES and they just bop him on the head and leave him there??? This movie doesn’t have a single original thought. It’s just regurgitating other clichés from much better movies.

I wanted this to be good. I wanted a break from 2020, but it’s clear that this year is unprecedented in how terrible it can get and how it doesn’t want us to enjoy anything. I wish I didn’t have to say these things about this movie, but I do. I honestly don’t think it’s worth a watch and that people should avoid it. It’ll inevitably do well because people don’t have anything better to do, but that’s still a shame. I’m so disappointed in all its wasted potential and I always will be.

Kyo out.

[blackjack-15]

Royals, Towers, and the Treasures They Hide — Thoughts on: Treasure in a Royal Tower (TRT)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are notspoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: TRT.

The Intro:

I’m gonna be honest starting out here: TRT is one of my favorite games of all time, let alone one of my favorites in the Nancy Drew series. Part of it is nostalgia — I can’t count how many times my sister and I played it — part of it is my childhood (and adulthood) love for Marie Antoinette, part of it is Hotchkiss, part of it is the bangin’ soundtrack with its heavy use of the harpsichord — it’s just an ace gaming experience altogether.

That doesn’t make me blind to its flaws, nor does it cloud my ability to analyze it as a game. Just know that for some Nancy Drew games, including this one, they really can be more than the sum of their parts.

Let’s sum up the parts anyway.

TRT improves slightly on the mechanics from MHM, as well as its animation. The characters look less like they’re constantly having a seizure, the voice acting is better (well��mostly better; Lisa’s is Truly Horrible), and characters are allowed to say more than one thing and/or have more than one character trait.

There’s also another historical background in this game — Marie Antoinette’s life, particularly against the backdrop of the French revolution — that creates a more complex storyline with two plot threads and some actual emotional weight.

This time, the historical background is tragic (a trend that will continue in most of these games), and so even knowing the end, Her Interactive makes you care about and root for Marie, largely through what you find out about her from Professor Hotchkiss.

TRT is keeping the trend of longer and longer games, as its playtime is slightly more than MHM. It needs the longer runtime, as there’s more story, more locations, more secrets, and (possibly) slightly more dialogue to unpack.

TRT isn’t quite in the era of Nancy Drew games where the dialogue is pivotal (a fact that makes it rather surprising and self-defeating that fans rejoice in skipping dialogue), but it’s certainly important, and you’re expected to pay attention.

Unfortunately, paying even a little bit of attention will reveal the culprit. Oddly enough, this game doesn’t even try to suggest that anyone other than the culprit might be responsible, though it plays at “oh what’s Jacques doing” for a full minute in the middle of the game.

We won’t reach a game where the culprit is partially hidden for a few more games yet, but there’s at least an effort here to play entirely fair (as opposed to SCK), so I applaud that.

Overall, TRT is a strong 4thentry in a puzzle/adventure series, and is absolutely essential for the new player, both for its recurring characters (Bess and George! Ned! Professor Hotchkiss!) and for just simply how wellit performs the at-this-point Tentative Nancy Drew Formula.

The Title:

This is one of the most successful titles, simply because it tells you exactly what the mystery is about — the treasure within a royal tower.

The treasure is the focal point of both the A-plot (Nancy’s actively looking for the treasure once you’re 1/4 of the way through the game) and the historical B-plot (Marie Antoinette’s life and her hidden journal which is with the treasure and a treasure of its own).

Spoiler Alert: the real treasure wasn’tthe real friends Nancy made along the way. Mostly because she didn’t make any friends.

There’s actually not much to say in this section because the title is so darn good by itself, so let’s move on to the “reason” behind any Nancy Drew game: the mystery.

The Mystery:

There’s no mystery when Nancy shows up, marking a first (but certainly not a last) in the series. Nancy’s simply on a fun little vacation in a castle in Wisconsin — Wickford Castle, which has a tower carted over brick-by-brick from France’s Château Rochemont — which is owned by a friend of Carson Drew’s, Christi Lane.

Her vacation grinds to a halt when Wickford Castle gets snowed in and the library is (rather brutally) vandalized, causing the caretaker Dexter to lock it up and hide the key, suspicious of the three guests at the castle — Nancy, Lisa Ostrum, and Beatrice Hotchkiss — and the only other staff member, Jacques Brunais.

Instead of continuing her quiet little vacation, Nancy decides to figure out who vandalized the library at Wickford and why, learning about the Royal Tower, Marie Antoinette, the French Revolution, and about her fellow castle-mates at the same time.

Nancy ultimately solves the mystery with a little help from Marie and a little help from Hotchkiss, finding Marie Antoinette’s three medallions, opening up the Royal Tower, discovering the saboteur, and finding the Treasure in the Royal Tower.

As a mystery, the plot of this game largely succeeds. Sure, the culprit is obvious, but the game isn’t really that concerned with keeping her identity a secret. 

Rather, the focus is on Nancy maneuvering her way around the castle, gaining trust or information or a clue from the different suspects, collecting the medallions and solving little mysteries that lay the ultimate mystery – the Treasure in the Royal Tower — bare.

TRT is a fair-play mystery, meaning you can figure out everything before Nancy does, but it has enough plot threads that most people will forget or not pay attention to one, and so will end up with one thing they didn’t think of/consider — even if it’s not a main thread.

Most importantly, the mystery succeeds because it changes focus from identity to figuring out Marie Antoinette to figure out where she would have hidden things and how, and that’s much more interesting than “who wrecked the library”.

The Suspects:

Dexter Egan is the caretaker of Wickford Castle, and the big man in charge of Wickford Castle with Christi gone on business. Gruff, cantankerous, and incredibly uninterested in doing his job, Dexter uses Nancy as an errand girl, doing the things that he’s “too busy” to do, while he…honestly faffs about doing nothing.

I think the point is to be like “ooh what is Dexter doing?? THIEVING??” but no, he’s just doing absolutely nothing, and I think that’s a waste. Part of it might be that he’s bothered by the destruction of the library, but everyone else has stuff that they’re doing throughout the course of the mystery, and I think it’s a shame that he doesn’t.

Also just fix the radiator; it’s winter, for heaven’s sake. Nancy’s gonna freeze.

Dexter’s also revealed to be the adopted-then-disinherited son of Ezra Wickford, the original owner of the castle. Ezra was a total dick, keeping contrasting scrapbooks of Dexter’s good things and then bad things, which is Super Messed-Up. 

No wonder Dexter didn’t turn out better; every time he messed up his dad was probably like “yeah this is going in the Bad Book”. Yikes.

Lisa Ostrum is a photojournalist and guest of the resort who is stuck there because of the snow, just like Nancy. She’s over-eager to make friends with Nancy and attempts to buddy up with her — a contrast to everyone else in the castle, who either has Nancy earn their trust, or just doesn’t care about her altogether.

She is, as you can gather from the brief description above, the villain of the game, wanting Nancy to find the treasure for her and vandalizing the library over a “mistranslation” that doesn’t make any sense — she translates “journal” in French as “library”, not “journal”, aka the same word in English? Nope.

Lisa also lies about weird things, like greeting Nancy with “Hola!” and then pretending she doesn’t speak any Spanish, even though she does, and even though speaking Spanish wouldn’t make her suspicious? It’s one of a handful of very Weird things about Lisa that singles her out as the villain.

She’s the one who encourages Nancy to go outside to explore, then locks the door behind her, leaving Nancy to die from exposure. When Nancy gets back in, Lisa doesn’t even bother with the act, wondering idly who would do such a thing, as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious.

Nancy in her letter back home is like “to think I almost made friends with a diamond thief!” and I’m like…when did they make friends? When did they almost make friends?

She is a standout as the flattest character in the game, however, making all the rest look even better by comparison. When you can find out that a character has multiple other lives (including IDs!) and they’re still not interesting…that’s not great.

Jacques Brunais, skier non-extraordinaire (according to his Epic Loss at the Olympics on behalf of France) and ski instructor at Wickford Castle, is most likely the third person you’ll meet at Wickford, and is a man with an interesting past in relation to the Castle.

Jacques is a character more lovingly crafted to fit into the story than either Lisa or even Dexter (despite his history in the castle), as his reason for being there is two-fold. He’s there outwardly for his fiancée, Isabelle, who’s studying at a nearby university. He’s anxious to marry her, but can’t do so at the moment.

He has another tie to the area, however — one that runs in the family. His great-grandfather was a part of the team that moved the Royal Tower from France to the equally impressive and historical Wisconsin. 

His grandfather discovered the blue medallion and Marie Antoinette’s journal as he was moving the Tower, and made the Obvious, Sensical choice to keep the medallion and re-hide the priceless journal.

Jacques thus spends the entire game attempting to get into the Royal Tower, knowing that the journal sits untouched in there and that he has one part of the puzzle — the blue medallion that his great-grandfather gave him on his deathbed — needed to find the treasure.

\As a culprit, Jacques is actually quite a good choice. He’s actively hiding something from Nancy, he has an alternative motive for everything he does, and is generally cagey in his responses. 

He also hangs out in the area where most of the Suspicious Events of the game happen — the broken elevator, the lockers that are Full of Snooping Material, etc. — and sends you on errands rather than leave his post. It’s just small things on top of small things, but it’s effective.

Jacques’ introduction makes him seem like a smarmy, know-nothing French lech, but everything else in the game contradicts this — his loyalty to Isabelle, his feelings of regret of not having supported France well in the Olympics, his consciousness of his great grandfather’s legacy and discovery, his curiosity about the Tower, etc.

Simply put, he’s one of the best characters in the game, but he hides it quite well, leaving a lot of people to just go with their first impression of him.

He ends up helping out Nancy and eloping with Isabelle, giving him a genuinely happy ending — which is a rarity among suspects, who generally get a “life goes on” ending versus a faerie tale ending like Jacques (and Isabelle) gets.

Professor Beatrice Hotchkiss is a university professor of history, specializing in Queens — lost, ancient, displaced, murdered, she runs the gamut. This of course makes her intensely interested in the Royal Tower and in Wickford’s secrets.

At first, she refuses to speak to Nancy properly, cracking open her door slightly to accept the errands that Nancy runs for her and others, ordering 50 chicken drumsticks despite saying that she’s not a big meat-eater, and clacking away at her typewriter.

As the game goes on, the delightfully zany Professor Hotchkiss opens up, visiting the sitting room of the castle in the wee hours of the morning — the “witching hour”, as she delights in calling it — and talking to Nancy about her research and about the history of the tower and of Marie Antoinette.

Hotchkiss has an opinion on everything, making her a delight to talk with and listen to. She doesn’t much care what Nancy thinks of her, preferring instead to focus on what interests her. Her delight at Nancy finding Marie Antoinette’s journal — and her nigh-impossible task of translating the journal in one night — is contagious, exciting not only Nancy but the player as well.

As a suspect, Hotchkiss is TRT’s suspect that’s cleared early in order to be Nancy’s helper — but with a slight twist, as Nancy more works as Hotchkiss’ helper, and it’s Hotchkiss who solves the mystery, allowing Nancy to do the actual footwork.

She’s eccentric, but not really suspicious, and she’s not meant to be — she’s a character with her own agenda, rather than a character there to sneakily hint at their motive and lurk around the crime scenes to alert Nancy’s Spidey Sense.

Hotchkiss’ unique perspective on Marie Antoinette is often a point people make fun of in this game, preferring the Classical Narrative that Marie was a queen, and queens are Bad and Wrong because they’re rich and That’s Terrible. Thus, Hotchkiss’ sympathy and enthusiasm are often mocked when people talk about this game.

As a fellow historian with a soft spot for lost, maligned, or brilliant queens (or queens that were a mix of all of these), I can say honestly that Hotchkiss’ point of view on Marie Antoinette has not only found its place in history as we learn more about her, but it also marks her as a free thinker in academia — something incredibly rare and precious.

Hotchkiss forces the player to ask the question of why this Treasure — not the diamond, but the journal — is so important, and why people are willing to steal, lie, and vandalize in order to get it.

It’s the “edu” in the “edutainment” label that Nancy Drew games have been given, but its job isn’t to teach you math facts nor to quiz you on the French Revolution. Its job is to do something a bit, well, a bit more revolutionary: it’s to ask you to consider history more deeply than drawing lines between those that our more “modern” sensibilities designate as heroes and those we believe to be villains; between those we consider “enlightened” and those that we consider “backwards”.

Hotchkiss is a zany free thinker with a distinct lack of interest in everyday affairs and an obsession with not only studying those that history has forgotten or maligned, but in telling others and sharing her passion. She’s an awesome character, and I’m so glad they saw the chance to have her reoccur and took it.

On a less soapbox-y note, there’s a hilarious and oddly detailed theory out in the fandom that Hotchkiss is actually Future!Nancy, who has gone back in time to help her younger self out. There are not a few similarities between the two women — quirky redheads who are interested in history and delight in not telling people what they mean or want.

If anyone has a link to the big post for this theory, message me and I’ll include the link here. [EDIT: POST FOUND!] It’s worth a read, even if you just wanna giggle for a bit.

The Favorites:

There are a ton of things I love about this game, so let’s get started.

The soundtrack is of special mention in a game series with a lot of excellent soundtracks. Atmospheric, varied, and completely fitting to the theme of the game, TRT’s soundtrack is one to go back and listen to fairly often. It’s also immediately recognizable, which is something that a soundtrack should absolutely be, if it can manage it.

Hotchkiss is a wonder and a joy, and she makes the entire game brighter with her presence. Jacques also is a great part of this game, and the classic three (Bess/George/Ned) are in fine form as phone contacts

I’d be remiss in exploring this game metatextually without recognizing the Castle itself as a character and as one of my favorite parts of this game. Wickford Castle is an entity unto itself; its many winding staircases, dead ends, secret passageways, and rooms that lead to nowhere all build up its character as an old home that protects its occupants, past and present.

It’s as much a character as Marie herself, whose color — purple — dominates the castle. Her tragic story — a woman maligned, gossiped about, imprisoned, violated, and ultimately murdered for the crime of her birth and a marriage  — is found in the dungeons, in the library, in the décor, and, yes, in her Royal Tower.

The tower, like the queen herself, is lonely, abandoned, and yet of great worth. It hides a great treasure, though those who seek it only see the basic treasure, rather than the thing of true worth: a primary source of centuries-old conflict and history, and the inner thoughts of a woman embroiled in an incredibly tumultuous time in history, both politically and personally.

My favorite puzzle (besides Hotchkiss’ quizzes, but I was a history nerd when I was a kid and I’m still one today) in TRT is probably escaping the elevator. It’s such a fun thing to do, especially since it seems “forbidden” in a way, and who doesn’t want to climb up an elevator shaft risk-free?

The sheer moment of terror when it breaks is awesome, too.

The Un-Favorites:

Even though this is one of my favorite games, there are some things that aren’t my favorite.

Lisa, as mentioned above, is a completely ineffective culprit, along with being obvious, so that’s the one thing that stands out above all others that I dislike. It takes you out of the story whenever she talks or is involved, which is a shame, because the atmosphere in the rest of the game is very immersive.

It might seem like a small annoyance, but another thing that bothers me is how long it takes to get your radiator fixed. It’s basically the focus of your first day at Wickford Castle, and I have no idea why they chose something that makes that much noise to be a large, over-arching puzzle.

Plus, all you can talk to Dexter about until it’s fixed is just “hey, is my radiator working?”, and let’s face it, Dexter doesn’t need the help to be dull in this game.

My least favorite puzzle in this game (once again, other than slider puzzles, which are my Arch Nemesis) is probably the INCREDIBLY LOUD door puzzle in the dungeon. It’s not a hard puzzle, and I don’t mind the random nature of it. But it is SO LOUD and I hate it a lot XD.

The Fix:

So knowing all of this, what fixes would I make?

The first thing is to give Dexter an actual plot. The game treats him more like a historical character than a present-day suspects, what with revealing him solely through environmental storytelling versus actual sleuthing. 

Give Dexter something to do, and he’ll become an actual character with a tragic backstory, rather than a tragic backstory that takes two years to finish fixing the radiator.

An interesting idea might be to have him be searching for the treasure as well. Maybe Ezra hinted at having a medallion or whatever, and Dexter is searching for it in order to stick it to his Old Man for, you know, adopting and then disowning him and then leaving the medallion as “see I was a Good dad after all you can’t be mad” sort of thing.

Make it so Dexter is the one who tears up the library in a fit of frustration at his horrible father, but discovers that Hotchkiss’ medallion has been stolen and knows that he didn’t do that — so he knows there’s at least one other person trying to find the treasure.

He doesn’t have time to fix Nancy’s radiator because he’s so busy trying to find the treasure at the same time that he’s trying to stymie anyone else doing the same thing. He knows Nancy’s not there for the treasure, so he’s comfortable giving her tasks to do so that the Castle is taken care of.

He’s the one who tore up the library (albeit in a fit of rage), but Lisa’s the one who stole Hotchkiss’ medallion, but Jacques is the one sawing through the iron bars in the Tower at night…suddenly, the stakes are a lot higher for everyone involved — not to mention that, now, everyone is involved. 

Jacques wants the treasure for family and love, Lisa wants it for money, Dexter wants it for revenge/to settle a past wrong, and Hotchkiss wants it found (but not for herself) so that the world will know Marie Antoinette’s true story.

The best way to flesh out a world, big or small, is to have conflicting motives in characters.

Yes, Hotchkiss wants the journal and treasure found, but she doesn’t want the tower destroyed. Jacques wants the treasure for France and for his future life, but respects his country’s history a little too much to do anything truly illegal. Lisa wants it for money, but doesn’t want to be found out and pay the steep price in prison. 

So let’s say that Dexter wants to establish his right to the Castle and to shove it to Ezra, but can’t bring himself to fully disfigure his father’s memory nor his happy memories in the Castle.

The characters would become more complex, and Nancy’s case would be very different, as everyone would hide things from her with different reasons and different ways. Have Hotchkiss clue her in first, then have her discover Jacques, confront Dexter about Ezra, and then discover Lisa at the scene of the crime.

Speaking of Lisa, she’s the source of a lot of the small fixes that would improve the game. 

First is her voice acting; I realize that Her Interactive wasn’t exactly a big-budget type game maker, but in a game where everyone else’s VAs are pretty good, she sticks out like a sore thumb. Replace her VA, because you just can’t take that voice seriously.

Another Lisa fix: have her actually be Nancy’s friend. Have Lisa buddy up to Nancy in a realistic way (we’re both young! both girls! both “sleuths”! Anything would do, really) and make friends with her.

Having Lisa share “important” information that she found out (actually information to throw Nancy off the scent) with Nancy, and do little things for her, or give her little gifts — all of this would add up to a seemingly genuine show of friendship, and would give weight to Lisa’s statement that Nancy is the “worst friend a diamond thief could have”.

That leads us right into the last thing with TRT to fix: the culprit reveal and confrontation scene.

Making Lisa active in this scene would be the easiest way to improve it; have her come in right before Nancy solves the puzzle, and Nancy, who knows that the one who’s still after the treasure is Lisa by sheer process of elimination, backs off and tells Lisa she won’t let her steal it. 

Lisa pepper-sprays Nancy, and makes her fall to the ground, letting us see the rest of the scene from the side on the ground.

Lisa finishes the last step of the puzzle, casually monologuing the entire time about how she’s gonna get away and have money and how Nancy can’t stop her, etc. etc. 

Nancy might murmur to “herself” (the player) that her eyes are clearing up, but she’s gotta stop Lisa somehow. Cue Lisa walking away casually, Nancy hitting the switch, Lisa’s trapped, and the game ends as currently established.

None of these, despite the length of this section, are super big changes, but added up, I think they’d make a game that’s actually more true to itself and its theme and message than the current incarnation.

[antialiasis]

Hadestown

Whooops I have a new musical obsession, help.

I was actually mostly drawn to this one musically. I heard a cover of “Why We Build the Wall”, found the musical soundtrack on Spotify and listened to the whole thing out of curiosity, and was like “Hey, this is bangin’, I want to listen to this again.”

Hadestown, as a narrative, isn’t really particularly me. It’s a love story (or, more accurately, two love stories of sorts). As you will know if you’ve read any of my blog, I’m not much of a romantic when it comes to fiction, and the love ballad(s) are pretty consistently my least favorite songs in basically every musical; this is no exception.

But there’s something that appeals to me in Hadestown anyway. It’s a very liberal modernized-but-also-not semi-metaphorical reinterpretation of the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice (that’s the one with the guy who wants to bring back his dead girlfriend from the underworld, and Hades lets her go with him so long as he doesn’t turn back to look at her on the way; spoilers, he does look back, and she ends up back in the underworld forever). It’s actually doing a vaguely similar kind of thing as Jesus Christ Superstar, which may be part of why I dig it: taking well-known mythology, developing the figures in it as characters and exploring their motivations, existing in and embracing this in-between space where it’s simultaneously about these ancient mythological figures and extravagantly modernized reinterpretations of them, intentionally skirting the line and never quite committing to exactly to what extent it’s literal or metaphorical or something in between.

Here, it’s Greek myth in something vaguely like the Great Depression. Orpheus, a poor musician (who in the lyrics is said to play the lyre, even though on stage he’s clearly playing the guitar), falls in love with a practical, down-to-earth girl named Eurydice. Times are hard and they are poor, and Eurydice is most concerned with food and shelter and basic needs, while Orpheus is devoted only to his art; in “Wedding Song”, she asks where they’re going to get wedding rings or a wedding bed and Orpheus insists that when he finishes the song he’s working on, the rivers and trees and birds will provide what they need. As Eurydice tries to prepare for the winter and storms and further hardship, while Orpheus just sits there working on his song, Eurydice is approached by Hades, a rich industrialist who rules the underworld, Hadestown, where no one goes hungry. He seduces her, or persuades her, or kills her - again, this musical exists in the space between the literal and metaphorical - and she comes with him to Hadestown, where Hades has the inhabitants, or the spirits of the dead, slaving away working to build a wall to keep out the poverty and misery of not having a wall to work on, and Orpheus journeys to get her back with directions from our narrator Hermes.

Intertwined with that story is the story of Hades and Persephone, who were in love a long time ago, but are now bitter and estranged from one another - Persephone (as in the myths) spends the summer months of the year happy above ground, but in the fall Hades comes for her and takes her down to Hadestown, where he’s obsessively building walls and machines and furnaces and electric grids that he wants to impress her but do just the opposite as she despises the heat and the light and the noise: It ain’t right and it ain’t natural. In Hadestown, Persephone runs a speakeasy of sorts, where she sells the miserable inhabitants the sky and moon and stars, or quite possibly they’re all just a metaphor for a lot of liquor and drugs (the word moonshine, of course, sees some use).

I find myself drawn to the story of the latter two here, somewhat predictably, because they are a couple of very fucked-up people in a very fucked-up relationship. Hades is absolutely the villain here, and a pretty chilling one at that: “Why We Build the Wall” is the backwards, rousing anthem of a sort of cult leader enslaving a population of people and persuading them that the wall they’re building will keep them free, and holy god damn can he make his voice terrifying. But there’s this sense of desperation to him as well. One of my favorite songs by now is “Chant II”, where Hades threatens Orpheus with death or imprisonment or some other sinister fate, and rants, practically frothing at the mouth, about women, and how they’re so seasonal (har har), they’ll come and they’ll leave, and you just have to keep them with you by chaining them and weighing them down with riches, and then:

Now I sing a different song One I can depend upon The simple tune, the steady beat The music of machinery Do you hear that heavy metal sound? The symphony of Hadestown And in this symphony of mine Of power chords and power lines Young man, you can strum your lyre, I have strung the world in wire Young man, you can sing your ditty I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY!

And you realize Hades has basically built this entire industrial city because machines are dependable and reliable and he can control them and they won’t leave him every six months. You can sort of see it laid out how once upon a time Hades and Persephone were happy, but as the cracks in their relationship developed, he channeled his fear of losing her into the most toxic possible path, and that’s what’s made him this possessive tyrant obsessed with industrialization and control, effectively just as trapped in this cage of his own making as his citizens. He’s terrible, but you get how he got there, in his awful fucked-up way, and that’s always a thing that I’m into.

In the end, Orpheus and Persephone melt him a little and grant him a bit of self-awareness, and as Orpheus gets his chance to try to save Eurydice, Hades and Persephone also decide to try again - which I hope also involves, y’know, freeing the slaves/souls/literal-metaphor-mixture-something, or at least no longer forcing them to imprison themselves behind a pointless wall, and Hades all in all redeeming himself and becoming a better, more compassionate person again, but given that, I’m actually rooting for them, which is impressive after the literally nearly everything that goes on between them. Persephone wants to try again and she deserves happiness, okay.

Orpheus and Eurydice have a healthier relationship (I mean, Hades and Persephone would be very hard to top), but it’s still fraught with Orpheus’ neglect of their basic needs, and eventually his giving in to his own inner demons as he finds himself unable to trust and believe that she’s truly behind him despite the promises that they made (and to be fair, Eurydice did go and get herself Hadestowned last time he left her alone). “Doubt Comes In” is another one of my belated favorite songs on the soundtrack; it gives such a good musical sense of that creeping dread as his confidence falters and he loses his nerve.

All in all, I just like listening to this soundtrack a lot and I mayyyy be feeling an uncontrollable urge to organize another trip to New York so I can slip in and see this performed help

[syrupwit]

Letter for Multifandom Horror Exchange

Hello there, and welcome to my letter for Multifandom Horror Exchange 2020! I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to read this letter. I hope that it will provide you with clarification, inspiration, or at the very least a bit of entertainment. Although I’ve written more for some sections and less for others, rest assured that I would be super excited to receive a gift for any of my requested fandoms, characters, pairings, or horror types.

Please see the table of contents below:

Likes

DNWs

Fandom: House (1977)

Fandom: Invader Zim

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Fandom: Too Many Cooks (2014 Short)

-

Likes

A long list of my general likes can be found here.

When it comes to horror, I tend to prefer psychological explorations, suspense, and disturbing implications to explicit gore and violence, although I’m definitely not opposed to more graphic content. I love ominous atmospheres; building, lingering senses of dread; and landscapes and environments that interact with and express the characters’ fears, anxieties, and griefs. I especially love horror with supernatural elements -- ghosts and hauntings, monsters and cryptids, eldritch deities and their cultists, magic and magic users. I’m also a big fan of cosmic horror, and the sense that characters are pitted against amoral, indifferent forces that might not even recognize them as significant enough to be hostile towards but that are nonetheless damaging to human life. Additionally, I really like dark comedy, gallows humor, and horror with a more comedic / parodic / satirical slant.

While I typically prefer hopeful or bittersweet endings for my requested characters and pairings, please go for it if you have a great idea with a darker ending.

Some horror media I have really enjoyed but am not requesting for this exchange include the short stories of M. R. James and JS Le Fanu; William Hope Hodgson’s Carnacki, the Ghost-Finder stories; Clark Ashton Smith’s Averoigne stories; “The Night Ocean” by R. H. Barlow and H. P. Lovecraft; the connected-ish novels The Red Tree and The Drowning Girl by Caitlin R. Kiernan; the parody / pastiche novels of A. Lee Martinez; My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix; and the movies Suspiria (1977 version -- haven’t seen the new one yet), The Others (2001), and Kwaidan (1965). Also I really love Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. I don’t know if listing all that helps, but there it is.

-

Do Not Want (DNW)

Underage sex

Character or ship bashing

Hate speech or in-depth onscreen depictions / discussions of bigotry

Harm to pet animals, or any graphic animal harm (fighting a giant evil wolf or something is fine)

Characters having consensual sex when they are not attracted to each other

Noncon that goes against a character’s in-fic orientation

Bestiality

Scat

Necrophilia

Sexual activity involving worms / spiders / insects

-

FANDOM: HOUSE (1977)

Requested Fanwork Types: Fic -- Not Emphasizing Sexual Content

Requested Horror Types: Dark Fantasy, Folk Horror, Gothic Horror, Psychological Horror

Requested Characters/Pairings: Auntie & Gorgeous, Auntie/Fantasy, Kung Fu/Sweet

If you are not yet familiar with House or are looking for a refresher, this fanvid by AbsoluteDestiny hits most of the high points: Rock Lobster [YouTube link]. The basic plot is that seven girls visit their classmate’s aunt in the countryside for summer vacation. While initially charmed by the aunt’s quaint manners and old-fashioned home, they soon discover that something is very wrong. Things get weirder and weirder as more of the girls disappear and the aunt’s past is revealed. Innovative art design, a bangin soundtrack, and a kaleidoscopic array of surreal, absurd events and images make this film a memorable, exuberantly strange experience. Also, the aunt is hot, and you can quote me on that.

*** PLEASE NOTE THAT THE FOLLOWING RELATIONSHIP SECTIONS INCLUDE MINOR SPOILERS ***

Relationship: Auntie & Gorgeous

I’d love to learn more about the dynamic between Gorgeous and her aunt. How long had Auntie planned to prey on / possess her? Did they truly have any interactions while Auntie was alive? After the film’s ending, is there anything next for them? I’m a big fan of Subtle Menace and Vague Yet Troubling Implications, so scenes of Gorgeous going about her daily life while receiving odd letters from her aunt absolutely would not go amiss. And what’s up with the cat?

Relationship: Auntie/Fantasy

The postwar generation gap and feelings of alienation between younger/older people are major themes in House. I think this finds a lot of expression in the relationship between Auntie and Fantasy, Gorgeous’s best friend who is prone to daydreaming and ill-equipped to grasp the full tragedy of Auntie’s life. One of the concluding scenes of the film involves a possessed-by-Auntie Gorgeous holding Fantasy’s head to her breast and petting her hair while she cries; I guess that’s just very interesting to me. I love UST and ominousness and weirdness, so please go for it if you have an idea that involves any of those things for this pairing. 

Relationship: Kung Fu/Sweet

These two are just cute, and a little sad. Kung Fu is the action girl of the friend group, and Sweet is a gentle, polite girl who Kung Fu feels she has to protect. Unfortunately Sweet gets attacked by futons and trapped in a clock, and then Kung Fu is eaten by a lamp. What might happen in an AU where they survive, or where the house consumes the courses of its meal in a different order? Is there a “wandering through dreamland” element to the nightmare dimension where they’re trapped at the end? Perhaps the body horror from the movie is played straight, and Kung Fu’s head and legs continue to move independently of each other though they share the same mind (agh). Who knows?

-

FANDOM: INVADER ZIM

Requested Fanwork Types: Fic -- Not Emphasizing Sexual Content, Fic -- Emphasizing Sexual Content

Requested Horror Types: Institutional Horror, Paranormal Horror, Science-Fiction Horror, Survival Horror

Requested Characters/Pairings: Dib/Zim

Like a good chunk of people in the fandom right now, I had my teenage love for this show revived by last summer’s movie. There’s something irresistible to me about the blend of snappy comedy, unapologetic pessimism, and hints of a more complicated universe that we just barely get to see. For this exchange, I’d be thrilled with a story that retains the lighter elements of canon, as well as something that explores a darker take on things. I haven’t read any of the comics yet, but feel free to include stuff from them if you like.

Relationship: Dib/Zim

Apparently this is my OTP. Yeah, I don’t know either. The enemies to frenemies or lovers dynamic is one of my favorites. I particularly enjoy these two as outcasts who fruitlessly seek validation from indifferent or hostile societies via their rivalry when they’re the ones who really understand each other best. I prefer their relationship to end up a positive thing for both of them, if with some rough territory along the way. Like a good chunk of ZADR fandom, I prefer this ship aged up to late teens or young adults, but feel free to write them canon age as well -- just no underage sex, please.

For each type of horror I’ve requested, here are some ideas I have:

Institutional Horror: The world of Invader Zim is full of unpleasant and draconian institutions -- for example, the Crazy House for Boys, or Dib’s school with its underground classrooms. Irken society itself is one big dystopian horror-fest on pretty much all levels.

Paranormal Horror: The supernatural is another canonical feature of this universe. <3 Does Dib get in over his head investigating strange phenomena? Does he raise the walking dead again, get grounded for it, and have no choice but to stand by helplessly while his zombies overtake the city? Does Zim acquire an unwanted tenant in the form of a ghost, or a mysterious artifact that promises to grant all his wishes? There are so many options.

Science-Fiction Horror: Haunted ships and abandoned research stations, the yawning emptiness of deep space, eldritch monsters beyond the stars... Dib and Zim can encounter all of these and pretend not to be scared out of their wits by them. Also! Killer robots, sentient computer viruses, experiments gone wrong? Anything you like.  

Survival Horror: These two would make great survival horror protagonists on their own, but I also really like the idea of them being thrown in a situation where they have to work together to make it out. I really like the idea of Zim and Dib being pitted against a more serious antagonist or challenge than those they encounter in canon, and of them realizing that, despite the many canonical instances of mutual attempted murder, neither actually wants the other to die. (And then getting out with a new understanding of their importance to each other! Or ending miserably. Either way.)

-

FANDOM: THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES

Requested Fanwork Types: Fic -- Not Emphasizing Sexual Content, Fic -- Emphasizing Sexual Content

Requested Horror Types: Cosmic/Lovecraftian Horror, Folk Horror, Institutional Horror, Paranormal Horror, Religious Horror

Requested Characters/Pairings: Gerard Keay, Mary Keay & Gertrude Robinson, Mary Keay/Gertrude Robinson, Trevor Herbert & Julia Montauk, Sasha James/Michael, Martin Blackwood/Peter Lukas

As a rule, I’m not into podcasts. I sat down with the first episode of this series about a month ago and became obsessed within two days. (I am now caught up through Season 5.) I love the unique worldbuilding, and the way the horror feels really genuinely horrifying and modern and immediate even when it’s one of those rad historical episodes, and all the characters, and the plot, and aaaahhhhhhh I love it. I’d just really like to hear more about this universe (and characters), and all the terrible things that can happen in it (and to them).

Character: Gerard Keay

Poor, doomed Gerry Keay. I want to know more about his adventures! Canon divergence, pre-canon, something set nebulously present or post-canon -- I’m here for all of it. I ship him romantically with pretty much every character except his parents, and platonically with every character including his parents; in particular, I like him with Gertrude and Jon. If you’d like some slightly more specific prompts, here are a few:

Trevor and Julia using Gerard as a monster manual, pre-Season 3. Did they ever run into something he couldn’t identify?

AU where Jon keeps his page instead of destroying it.

Working or traveling with Gertrude, trying to relax after a taxing case but getting pulled into another one.

Teenage Gerard chasing Leitners and getting in over his head.

Relationship: Mary Keay & Gertrude Robinson | Mary Keay/Gertrude Robinson

Grouping the platonic and romantic ships together because I like both and am mostly just interested in seeing these two interact more. “Dubiously (a)moral older women on orthogonal sides of a conflict, also one of them semi-kills the other” is, like, a dynamic that could have been tailor-made for me.

Mary Keay is so deeply creepy -- her statement in “First Edition” gave me legitimate shivers. Her quest for power and attempts to control the Entities are really interesting to me, and I enjoy how they contrast with Gertrude’s more utilitarian, less openly self-serving approach. Gertrude, on the other hand… I just fuckin love Gertrude. The frail old lady exterior hiding a ruthless will and a spine of magically reinforced steel -- I swoon. (I should note that I really like stuff that explores the more vulnerable and messy sides of badass / competent characters, especially female characters. If Gertrude locks up her heart and throws away the key, etc., what could make it strain its chains...? Or, uh, something like that.)

Relationship: Trevor Herbert & Julia Montauk

Yes! Obnoxious monster hunters!! I’m intrigued by their intuitive understanding of each other and strong bond despite the age gap and different life experiences. Do the demands of the Hunt ever interfere with their partnership? What sorts of gnarly, gross, twisted, chilling, or darkly funny situations have they gotten into over the course of their travels? I love them as happy monsters in comic, if gruesome, circumstances, but I’d also be down for something exploring the darker or softer sides of their work and relationship.

Relationship: Sasha James/Michael 

I was mad interested by Michael’s introduction in “A Distortion,” and Sasha was so brave with him. I’m a huge sucker for the trope where a supernatural creature protects or helps a weak ordinary human, even if it’s for a price, and for any monster romance along those lines. Perhaps these two have other encounters between their first meeting and Sasha’s murder, or an alternate first meeting? Perhaps Michael rescues her from the Not!Them? Or perhaps, in an AU, Archivist!Sasha has a very different sort of relationship with the Distortion? Or something else...?!

Relationship: Martin Blackwood/Peter Lukas

A later addition, but I couldn’t help myself. I love how amiable and sensible Peter acts even as he’s carrying out dread errands, and I felt for poor Martin dealing with Peter’s weird corporate speak and technology issues. There’s so much potential for comedy, angst, and multi-layered horror with this pairing -- the Lonely is such a strangely seductive concept even as it’s terrifying, and Peter’s relationship to it is very interesting. Peter, himself, is very interesting. Martin, I’m just very fond of, all his courage and scheming and petulance (and codependent tendencies). I’m down for pretty much anything about this pairing.

-

FANDOM: TOO MANY COOKS (2014 SHORT)

Requested Fanwork Types: Fic -- Not Emphasizing Sexual Content

Requested Horror Types: Cosmic/Lovecraftian Horror, Killer Horror, Psychological Horror, Survival Horror

Requested Characters/Pairings: Character of Author’s Choice

The “Too Many Cooks” short can be watched for free on YouTube.

I remember watching this when it came out. I watched it again when I saw it in the nominations for this exchange, and yep, STILL CREEPY AS FUCK. ❤︎❤︎❤︎ I love the genre parodies in this short almost as much as the gradually eroding realities / intensifying horror and strangeness. I would love to hear more about this nightmare world and how an individual character might experience it. Really, I’m up for almost anything here. :D

[scrawnydutchman]

My Top 10 Favorite Cartoons

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Animation is the greatest art form in the world. It’s film making, painting, doodling, caricature, satire, illusion, literature and music all at the same time. Truly poetry in motion. It simply does not get enough credit for just how miraculous the form can really be. Being the innovation in our culture that it is, making this list was difficult; because every time I thought of a worthy candidate for the list another worthwhile one popped up in my memory. As such, expect an honorable mentions before we get to number one. Before we jump in though, some ground rules.

1. If it’s animation, it counts. It doesn’t matter if it’s western animation or Anime, 2d or 3d, traditional or motion tweened, for children or for adults, for television or on the web. If it involves the cycling of drawn pictures to create the illusion of life then it qualifies.

2. This is not in order of objective quality and is strictly opinion based. Overall quality is a factor, but this list is mostly about how much of an impact it’s had on me as an individual.

enough ado, let’s get into it.

10. Being Ian

It’s more then Likely those of you readers who are American or anywhere besides Canada for that matter don’t know about this show, so in order to make sense of this entry let me provide a bit of information about myself. I am Canadian, and thus grew up with an entire library of Canadian produced shows intended for Canadian audiences. While I think the U.S.’s animation game is undeniably stronger then what we’ve got up north, we had some pretty solid entertainment like 6teen, What’s With Andy?, Total Drama Island, stuff like that. While it’s all well and good, the only thing I regret about our history as animators is that we rarely aim for more fantastical premises and almost always make shows about hijinks in mundane Canadian smalltown life. It’s nice every once in a while but we do it a little too often. I’d kill for a Canadian Adventure Time or Gumball. So why is Being Ian here? Well, the simple answer is this is the show that made me want to get into film making. Seeing as the premise is all about a nerdy kid with his camera trying to make an inspiring career out of his mundane life and constantly imagining scenarios that are treated as homages to famous movies like King Kong, Clockwork Orange, Jurassic Park and so on (many references I didn’t get as a kid) it makes sense that this would make me want to take on the same kind of lifestyle. It put me on live action for a while but as I found my talents are more in line with animation I moved onto it shortly after. Quite honestly, that’s it’s only real reason for being here. The animation is passable but nothing to write home about, it’s comedy got a chuckle out of me at times but isn’t really the most clever show ever (in fact sometimes it relies a little too much on grossout humor, as do most Canadian shows in fact), but the show undeniably played a major role in my development as a person. Also, it’s theme song is by Parry Gripp (the “Do You Like Waffles?” guy) so that’s a plus.

9. Wander Over Yonder

Alright, now that some of the country-based sentimentality is out of the way, let’s get into the really high quality stuff. The stuff with the bright colours, the wacky characters, the emotionally driven storylines and just everything great about cartoons. Craig McCracken is among my favorite animated show producers of all time (as previously stated in another article I wrote: Why Craig McCracken is a genius). This show is the perfect example of his talent and skill. Effectively just Road Runner on an intergalactic level with a touch of The Muppets, Wander Over Yonder is the cartoonist cartoon you will ever watch in your cartoon-filled life. It’s got a great sense of humor, intoxicatingly likable characters like the optimistic too-nice-for-his-own-good Wander, the spunky and adventure loving Sylvia and of course the abundantly evil yet adorable Lord Hater and his number one henchmen Commander Peepers, and it’s animation is miles upon miles in quality in comparison to what you may find on the air most of the time. I think objectively it is one of the finer shows on this list. So why only number 9? Well, the truth is . . . I haven’t watched very much of it. I watched the first season and pieces of the second. I intend to watch the rest once I get a bit more spending money but for now I gotta settle with what I bought, and for a show as high quality as this I refuse to pirate it. But this show left a great impact on me and came into my life when I needed somethin this cheery most. I discovered it when I was coming off of a really hard breakup that was way more difficult then it really needed to be and it bent me out of shape real bad, so putting this on felt like turning the lights in my brain back on. For that I’m really grateful.

8. Avatar: The Last Airbender

Ho man. Who knew Nickelodeon of all networks would make a move as artistic, risk-taking, original and highbrow as Avatar: The Last Airbender?? Oozing with eastern culture influence (so much so that there is an ongoing debate as to whether or not it counts as an anime), hours and hours of some of the most fantastic animation and fight choreography ever to hit the waves of television all done in glorious hand drawn frame by frame no less AND being the premiere of some of the most unforgettable characters in pop culture like the lovable Aang, the witty Sokka, The badass Katara and Toph and the honorable (haha) Zuko, this show is something you absolutely can’t miss out on for any reason at all. I would know as much, because I actually binged watched the whole thing as an adult instead of catching it while it was still on the air even though I was totally aware of it’s existence at the time. I was a stupid, stupid kid. It’s too bad Nickelodeon developed a history of terrible decision making that screwed over the follow-up series The Legend of Korra SUPER hard. All well. This show is fantastic and you need to watch it right now.

7. Venture Brothers

Alright, so at this point I feel an obligation to point out a certain bias I have when picking favorite shows. That bias being my love for superheroes. I. LOVE. Superheroes. They are a bigger chunk of my life then they realistically should be. So fair warning; a lot of these entries are superhero themed, this being one of them. But Venture Bros isn’t just that: it’s one giant satirical love letter to every kind of adventure show you can imagine. It homages everything from James Bond to Indiana Jones to Scooby Doo to Johnny Quest to Superfriends to Marvel Comics. It’s got fast witty dialogue that seamlessly alternates between high and lowbrow in seconds and has an ever expanding cast of great celebrity voices like Stephen Colbert, Clancy Brown, Seth Green and of course the manliest man who ever manned in the history of mankind, Patrick Warburton as Brock Sampson. Testosterone incarnate. The show has great appealing character design and so many memorably hammy characters that all comes together for a great slick style that’s every bit as badass as it is hilarious. You can totally get enraptured in the gut wrenching dialogue while still being invested in the plot full of conspiracy and espionage.

favorite line from this show: “If that were a woman, I’d marry it!” “Yeah, and then I’d jeopardize our friendship by bangin’ yer hot wife!”

6. Cowboy Bebop

Anime fans rejoice; I put the most cliché basic answer for favorite anime on my list! In all seriousness though, Cowboy Bebop is often regarded as the gateway anime for an American audience and rightfully so. It’s heavily influenced by American culture, it’s got a soundtrack comprised almost entirely of Jazz, Blues and Bebop as is it’s namesake, every episode homages some sort of American genre of film like Noir, Sci-fi horror and even Blacksploitation flicks and it’s American dubbing is considered one of the few on par with the original if not better, with Steve Blum giving a cool as ice raspy take on Spike as the lead character as well as the rough but fatherly Jet, the seductive but sensitive Faye and the optimistic child prodigy Edward (who is a girl, in case you don’t know). But none of that would matter if the anime wasn’t good . . . . so it’s a relief that this show KICKS SO MUCH FUCKING ASS THAT IT DOES OH MY GOD!! If I could sum this show up in one word, it’s “cool”. You will never find a show cooler then this. That is a challenge. It’s got great Bruce Lee inspired martial arts action as well as Reservoir Dogs esque shootouts, and most importantly it’s got a lot of heart and dripping emotional tension enraptured in mystery that insists the viewer keep watching to peel back the layers of every character. Through nuance storytelling choices, heavy atmosphere and carefully chosen dialogue this show has a style and edge that will never be known again. Let’s just hope the live action adaptation doesn’t fuck it all up (it’s got Sunrise Pictures backing it though so that’s reassuring).

5. The Simpsons

This gif is just the tiniest taste of the timeless wit behind the golden age of this show. What can I say about the Simpsons that hasn’t already been said before? It’s one of the most culture revolutionizing pieces of all time, let alone the 20th century. It perfected the archetype of the family sitcom, is the longest running American television show in history, was once so ahead of it’s time to predicted the future eerily frequently and has even had some of it’s original dialect like “D’oh!” make it into the dictionary. This show is no doubt one of the largest reasons for our cultures current sensibilities and outlook. Most importantly though, it was just something me and my whole family could watch and bond over. Some of my fondest memories as a kid was getting so excited whenever this show would come on because it was a time where me and all the siblings and our folks would huddle around the couch and all laugh together at some great slapstick, clever one liners and just straight up bizarre jokes at times where the only way you can logically respond is to laugh. It’s too bad this delicious fruit has rotted quite a bit and Fox won’t just send it to compost already. I already wrote up an entire article about why the current Simpsons sucks now so if you’re interested, go check it out. For now, I’m just going to look fondly on it’s golden age through clips, old episodes and internet shitposts.

“Don’t cry for me. I’m already dead.” - Barney.

4. Homestar Runner

Oh, Homestar Runner. Ye ancient relic of the early days of the Internet before youtube. A simpler time when Flash cartoons were all the rage and you can tune into the surreal misadventures of a star spangled armless oblivious dolt and his more popular counterpart, the boxing glove wearing e-mail answering Luchador Strong Bad. When I was very little I was obsessed . . . OBSESSED . . . with Homestar. I think the great appeal of Homestar was that while it was clearly popular enough for references to pop up here and there purely by word of mouth and for the series to eventually get a videogame developed by Telltales and for the creators Matt and Mike Chapman to eventually move on to working for Disney, it was JUST obscure and surreal enough to make its fans feel like they were in a unique and secret club where they could really bond over references to the show and not have it ruined by having the brand just pop up everywhere and anywhere. As hipstery as that sounds, my point is that Homestar felt like a Niche where problems were simple, everything was up for ridicule and old Atari and computer games were always cool. They went on a hiatus for a few years and only recently came back with a little cartoon every once in a while (nothing regularly scheduled though) but if you want to dabble in a little bit of early 2000s lighthearted weirdness then I highly suggest checking out their website. I’ll link to it down below.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/

3. Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends

When I first came up with the idea to do this list this was the first show to immediately pop in my head. I just get into a good mood whenever I think about this show. It’s colour scheme, it’s wildly imaginative characters, it’s silly yet offbeat sense of humor, it’s great pacing. Mostly it’s premise is just so ingenious you have to wonder how nobody ever thought of it before. This show is the sole reason why Craig McCracken is among my absolute favorite Animation Directors. Everytime I heard the intro to this show come on as a kid I had to immediately stop whatever it is I was doing and catch a hilarious episode. This was a show my sister really liked too, so much so she learned how to play the theme on the piano. Whether it was letting awkward tension build or immediately escalating to a high speed chase, this show would always keep me giggling the entire way through. Not to mention some of it’s episodes were really heart wrenching and actually made me choke up a bit. I know leave you with one of it’s funnier bits.

2. Teen Titans

That superhero bias I was talking about is coming back with a vengeance. This show is great for a lot of the reasons I really like previous entries in this list actually. It’s got a great art style that’s heavily anime influenced, a cast of diverse and unforgettable characters (with my childhood favorite being the quirky and wise cracking Beast Boy and my adulthood favorite being the hilarious, innocent and lovable Starfire), a hell of a lot of heart that makes me tear up in some of it’s most emotional moments, FANTASTICALLY fluid and suspenseful action (once again done in glorious classical animation), a great soundtrack with a hype as hell opening number that’s so good I have it on Spotify, all sorts of homages to action show tropes as well as nods to the larger DC universe and takes itself the right amount of seriously to let some of it’s sillier aspects shine. I distinctly remember seeing the first episode when it came on for the first time and getting instantly hooked. Every main character in this show is cast spot on and give some of the most memorable performances I’ve ever heard. Plus it’s a show that only gets better with time . . . especially in comparison to . . . that other show.

Before we get into number one, here are some honorable mentions: Rick and Morty, Disney’s Recess, One Piece, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, Batman: The Brave and the Bold, Clone High, Samurai Jack, The Legend of Korra, The Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, Fairly Odd Parents, Danny Phantom, Young Justice, Spectacular Spider-Man, 6teen.

1. Justice League Unlimited

Let’s take a moment to appreciate just how Amazing Bruce Timm’s take on the DC universe is, because . . . oh man . . . it is masterful. The stupendously likable characters, the intense action and suspense, the drama, the fast paced and impactful action and animation, the simple yet effective character design, the ever engrossing storylines. These are just some of the reasons why Bruce Timm is my favorite animated show developer of all time. There have been many great DC shows to come after this like Batman: Brave and the Bold or Young Justice, but none of them come close to the majesty of Justice League: Unlimited. When it comes to Bruce Timm shows most people would put Batman: The Animated Series higher up there, and while I without a doubt respect it’s legacy the fact that it’s Bruce Timm’s earliest show as director for the DC universe is pretty prominent in it’s pacing, action and to an extent it’s line delivery. The show moves rather sluggish and has more then a few issues in it’s animation, especially in it’s first season. I don’t hold that against the show in any way as it’s still very impressive for what it is, but you can tell Timm and his crew were just beginning to hone their style and would go through some growth pains further down the road. Justice League had some remnants of these problems here and there but they were beginning to shake these issues off. JLU is where Timm’s style got perfected. Perfect pacing, perfect line delivery, perfect animation, perfect action sequences where you can feel the impact of every punch and blow, perfect storytelling, and most impressively perfect juggling between the largest cast of characters Bruce Timm has tackled in his run. While Justice League would keep it between the original 7 in terms of juggling, JLU would take on characters like Green Arrow, Captain Marvel, Huntress, Black Canary, The Atom, Vigilante and so many more and make them all just as likable as the main cast if not more at times. And of course, there is the number one reason to watch the show . . . The Question.

God, do I love the Question. This show is the sole reason he is my second favorite DC character (first being the Flash). But anyway, to wrap it up, Bruce Timm once said in an interview that JLU was his favorite work because it was the only show he could keep going back to and continue to enjoy. I wholeheartedly agree.

So that’s my list. I hope you saw some of your favorites on there, and if not just enjoy what you enjoy and keep this medium alive dammit!

[amsterdammotherfucker]

I copied and pasted my Torque liveblog from a private IM conversation with @playingwithroles just because I wanted to post it somewhere for posterity reasons :P

So they did a cool thing where the opening logo had a motorcycle speeding by noise over it that’s cool

Aaaaaaand the first scene is a drag race because of course it is.

THAT CHEESY EARLY 2000S THING WHERE THEY GO INSIDE THE MOTORCYCLE BLESS

Dude if this movie is intended as a parody of the Fast and the Furious series I will die

White dudebro protag’s jacket says “CARPE DIEM” across it lol

“What is it about driving cars that makes y'all such assholes” SERIOUSLY

JAY <3

SO I KIND OF LOVE THIS

JAY’S CHARACTER IS SO CUTE AND I’M DEAD

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO CHEESY I’M IN LOVE

I’m just waiting for this to go bad XD

WHY IS JAY NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER AGAIN

HE’S SO FULL OF FIRE I LOVE HIM

JUST FUCKING HITS BUDDY IN THE FACE WITH HIS HELMET

Hi Ice Cube I forgot you used to be in movies

HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW WHO THIS WHITE DUDE IS

Ford, apparently, is protag’s name

ICE CUBE’S DOG IS NAMED DOJO

This movie’s soundtrack is bangin

Aaaaaand now we get all the unnecessary shots of half-naked girls at a car wash SAW THAT COMING

JAY’S CHARACTER FUCKING STANDING UP ON HIS BIKE WHILE IT’S MOVING I mean I know it was mostly a stunt guy but WOW

Enter token hetero love interest hi blondie who’s never been in any other movie

Her name is SHANE

HOMEBOY’S A DRUG DEALER???

She’s actually not a bad actress I feel bad for her

I LOVE HER???

If you kiss her I swear to god

OH GOOD ENTER VILLAIN #2 RANDO THAT LOOKS LIKE DOMINIC MONAGHAN BUT ISN’T

Oh goddammit Jaime Pressly you are too good for this shit and what do they have you wearing

I think this rando baddie might be in a poly relationship with both Jaime Pressly and his right hand dude

SMUGGLING DRUGS INSIDE OF BIKES. THIS MOVIE.

Okay, so Ford stole a bunch of bikes carrying drugs from baddie here

Ice Cube’s bratty ass little brother looks like a young Mahershala Ali but isn’t

I weirdly really like Ice Cube’s character even though he’s supposed to be a crime lord

If anything happens to that dog I will riot in the streets

This movie is HILARIOUS

JAAAAAAAAAAAAY <3

I just make heart eyes every time he’s onscreen he’s the cutest

Dude she told you she never wants to see you again, TAKE THE HINT AND BACK OFF

H O W

GOD DAMN IT YOU STOP HAVING GOOD CHEMISTRY I HATE THIS TROPE

Again, this soundtrack is BANGIN

YEAH ICE CUBE YOU TELL YOUR PUNK ASS BROTHER WHAT FOR

Oh you are sooooooo dead buddy

RANDO BADDIE’S BODYGUARD/BOYFRIEND JUST STRAIGHT UP MURDERED ICE CUBE’S BROTHER WITH A BIKE CHAIN

I’m not sure how I feel about this Chad Kroeger looking dude playing Ford, I can’t tell if he’s good or just good for this type of movie

The whole “I left to protect you from my crazy dangerous life” trope YEP

At least they have good chemistry

JAY

HE IS SO CUTE I WANT TO TAKE HIM HOME WITH ME

So now Ford’s being framed for murder thanks to rando’s girlfriend

WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE

ADAM SCOTT IS IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE????

BADASS LADY COP WITH CORNROWS

Ice Cube keeps talking about feeding people to his dog but I doubt human meat would be good for the pupper

THIS FUCKING NERD JAY SITTING ON TOP OF THE DINER BOOTH SEAT WHAT A FUCKING DELINQUENT I ADORE HIM

ALSO WHAT IS HIS NAME

Rando’s entire biker gang just standing in a row pissing on the side of a road CLASSY

Rando is named Henry, what a weirdly normal name

FORD IS NOT HERE FOR YOUR CASUAL RACISM

Just because he’s a suspect for murder does NOT mean you can randomly shoot at him YOU’RE CIVILIANS

Jay: “I love a girl who can take care of herself” CAN I KEEP HIM PLEASE

Shane is weirdly badass I’m glad she’s not just a prop

THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS I LOVE IT

Ice Cube’s gang is called the REAVERS

Uncomfortable Firefly flashbacks

WHAT DO YOU KNOW JAY

TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW

WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA EXPLAIN HOW JAY KNEW THAT OR DID I MISS SOMETHING

Val to Jay’s character: “Try not to bite your lip so much when you think” SAME

JAY BEING ALL “GET A ROOM” AT SHANE AND FORD I’M DEAD

So Ford just CALLS THE FBI AGENT FROM A PAYPHONE OKAY

Adam Scott is fucking hilarious he’s too good for this movie

Ford: “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time” Shane: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” I LOVE THIS MOVIE

Dalton, right, THAT’S Jay’s character’s name, how did I forget XD

This is weirdly a really cool chase scene

WHO’S THIS GUY HE LOOKS LIKE SNOOP DOGG

Shane WHACKS this dude in the face with a tube thing and goes “you shouldn’t pick on girls” I LOVE THIS

BUDDY DRIVING HIS MOTORCYCLE THROUGH A BUS

BECAUSE THAT’S A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN

OH IT’S A TRAIN

DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER

NO BOYS WE DO NOT DRIVE ON TRAIN TRACKS NO MATTER HOW COOL AND DRAMATIC IT LOOKS

Slow-mo explosion, I was waiting for that XD

So Ford saved Ice Cube’s life so now he knows Ford didn’t kill his brother BECAUSE OF COURSE

DALTON IS SO FUCKING CUTE I’M GONNA DIE

Dalton: “First time Val and I’ve beat you anywhere! Must be the chick!” Shane: “Yeah, stopped for a manicure” *flips Dalton off* Dalton: *impressed smile*

VAL JUST MAGICALLY SWIPING THE CHIPS FROM DALTON

i love Adam Scott so much

NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CHEESY ROMANCE

I LOVE DALTON I LOVE HIM

BIGGEST MOST ADORABLE IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE PROTECT HIM

I have no idea what just happened I was distract by Dalton being a cutie pie

This movie is DEFINITELY a F&F parody

DANE COOK???????

LIST THAT UNDER “SHIT I DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE IN THIS MOVIE” A DANE COOK CAMEO

THESE MORONS JUST STOLE A RACE CAR

BLESS

DO NOT MAKE OUT WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING

Ford jumps on the back of Dalton’s bike so they can swap out, Dalton: “I always knew you had a thing for me!” I LOVE HIM

Ford please do not wreck Dalton’s bike

Or your face

THIS MOVIE IS SO RIDICULOUS AND OVER THE TOP IT’S GREAT

FORD DO NOT PUNCH ICE CUBE HE JUST SAVED YOUR ASS

REALLY??????

METH BIKES

OF COURSE

Dalton taking swings at a punching bag back at the garage bLESS

Dalton: “I eat when I’m nervous!” Val: “He eats when he’s horny, too. He just likes to eat” KILL ME

ADAM SCOTT WAS A DOUBLE AGENT

NOOOOO LADY COP IS DEAD

THEEEEEEERE IT IS. DALTON AND VAL NABBED AND ALL TIED UP WITH CHAINS HOW EXTRA

THEY GOT SHANE TOO

Ew Henry stop being creepy right now. His girlfriend’s creepy too

LADY COP LIVES

ATTA GIRL SHANE KICK HENRY IN THE NUTS

EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING AT ONCE

BODYGUARD BOYFRIEND GOT TAKEN OUT SO FAST AND HILARIOUSLY

I’m sure Val and Dalton can fight well on a good day, Henry’s boys are just fucking crazy

I LOVE LADY COP SHE FINALLY DID SOMETHING USEFUL

Oh, no this scene. Shane vs. Henry’s girlfriend China

It’s like every cliche catfight scene ever but on motorcycles

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

That was just plain cringe worthy

BECAUSE THAT’S HOW PHYSICS WORK

ANOTHER EXPLOSION

IS THAT ROBERT BARATHEON DRIVING THE BUS

IS THAT FUCKING NICKELBACK SINGING US OUT

IT IS TOO

AND THEY ALL WENT TO MEXICO AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

LITERALLY THAT’S THE END OF THE MOVIE

I enjoyed that way more than I was expecting to XD