#also my memory is SUPER bad so stories that I read a long time ago & don't have my notes for got the short end of the stick

[web-novel-polls]

Less Popular Danmei Character Tournament - Round 1 Bracket

Side A

Yan Hao vs. Xiao Chiye

Shen Zechuan vs. Wang Zhi

Gu Mang vs. Yan Zhengming

Side B

Wenren È vs. Song Qingshi

Yin Hanjiang vs. Wu Xi

Li Yu vs. An Zhe

Cui Buqu vs. Helian Ye

Exempt from Round 1: Yue Wuhuan

Side A of the Popular and Less Popular Danmei Character Tournaments will take place on the same day (Thursday, June 8, 2023) around noon CST and will remain open for 1 week.

Side B Polls will open on Tuesday, June 13th, 2023, at noon CST and will remain open for 1 week.

Character Information under the cut (subject to change) - CWs: sex mention, death mention, murder mention, slavery, sexual slavery, rape mention, animal mention, animal death mention, pet death/murder

Side A

Yue Wuhuan from Mistakenly Saving the Villain

A villain saved by the MC who is focused on revenge. The story seems to focuses on trauma recovery from his life as a s*x slave and handles mental health pretty well 

Technically a “yandere” character, but the Novel Updates reviews describe his possessiveness and dark thoughts as byproducts of his trauma that he heals from, realizing that he shouldn’t be thinking of the MC that way and growing

“Our ML’s journey embodies a major theme of MSTV, which is about redemption and rebirth. His tragic past shaped him into a cunning, ruthless, manipulative, and obsessive individual. His past and continuing struggle will make your hearts break. It’s a difficult and painful journey of overcoming past trauma, letting go, and subsequently achieving freedom and happiness.” - blackkoi on NU

Yan Hao from Vicious Male Counterpart Isn’t Competing Anymore

Submission: He’s p cute

Yan Hao was jealous of and competed with his younger brother, who seemed to be loved more by their parents. After he dies, however, he realizes he was a villain meant to contrast his kind younger brother and be slapped by the male protagonist. Once he’s reborn, he decides to ignore his brother entirely

“High IQ, low EQ” - Sugaminny on Novel Updates

Honestly, the story sounds super cute and interesting. Yan Hao seems to be a character “hated by everyone” in his past life who can’t figure out how to be loved but does love others a lot, especially in his second life. Skite on NU describes him as autistic and villainized due to his neurodivergency / attempts to be loved and praised (their review words it better, but it sounds super interesting). 

Xiao Chiye from Qiang Jin Jiu

Submission: Also an absolutely insane character but somehow not as deranged as his husband, shen zechuan, although he comes pretty damn close. i just wanna cause problems by putting them in the same poll 

“VERY cocky and arrogant (sexy of him), but also an extremely talented leader and fighter” - QJJ Carrd

Initially kicks Shen Zechuan, the MC, due to SZC’s father’s treason, but starts to fall in love with him (Enemies → Lovers)

Shen Zechuan from Qiang Jin Jiu

Submission: he just serves absolute cunt and is absolutely insane. like we joke about characters being crazy but shen zechuan is the 1st one where ive paused reading and said outloud oh bitch you are absolutely out of your mind. Give it up for ruthless chronically ill schemers with a sense of loyalty so strong it becomes a fatal flaw and who are also at all times 100% devoted to the ppl they care about

The son of the Prince of Jianxing, who betrays the empire out of cowardice, that must survive when his entire family is to be killed for treason. There’s actually a scene at the beginning of him losing his brother in a battle and (I believe) returning to realize his father has run away

Another of the “chronically ill schemers” type and incredibly ruthless when necessary

Refuses to die or despair; he WILL survive and will turn things around - fate can be damned

Wang Zhi from Fourteenth Year of Chenghua

Submission: Wang Zhi is the emperor's eunuch-assassin who spends the entire book and show crashing the main character's brunches. There's a scene where someone gets confused because they can't fathom why Wang Zhi would show up at someone's house if it's not to murder them. In the series he has a tiny gun. 

Gu Mang from Stains of Filth / Yuwu

Submission: He’s my little guy

He’s the tragic ML who betrayed the MC while also being the biggest fucking clown / the comedic relief

He truly believes he’s a fucking wolf at one point. 

Essentially, Gu Mang was a slave in Murong Lian’s household, which led him to meet the MC, Mo Xi, who is a noble of similar standing to the Murong clan. He eventually becomes the General-in-Chief of the Wangba Army (later renamed to the Northern Frontier Army bc it was a funny name) and fights for the Chonghua Empire. However, since the Wangba Army was made of slaves, not a single of his fellow soldiers were given a proper burial, which - along with other reasons - led to Gu Mang defecting to an enemy nation (that also killed Mo Xi’s father and may or may not be cannibals).  

The story begins when said enemy nation trades Gu Mang back to Chonghua as a prisoner of war with parts of his soul gone, causing him to believe he’s a majestic blue wolf. The summary is a tiny bit misleading, albeit not wrong - “they’ve slept together before” is actually more “they slept together multiple times while Mo Xi, at the very least, is incredibly in love with Gu Mang.”  

Gu Mang’s also pretty funny, even with his memories gone, albeit the inherent tragedy is overwhelming. Idc what “evils” he committed… the Lotus Pavilion thing or whatever was fucked up. The author is so brutal to him, and for what? Funsies? (<--mainly joking, but it’s a SAD story… I’ve cried so many times) 

Anyway, Gu Mang Did Not Deserve This 2023 

Yan Zhengming from Liu Yao: the Revitalization of Fuyao Sect 

Submission: Winner of the award for highest number of times I’ve called a man a “pretty princess” 

Apparently has a fantastic character development into the Sect Leader (I’m not that far), but he’s also just a pretty princess <2

He’s the eldest disciple of Han Muchun / Fuyao Sect who was born into a rich family. He ran away at age seven and became Han Muchun’s first apprentice/disciple. He’s similar to a spoiled young master character, but he doesn’t really bully anyone; he may try to bully/clash with Cheng Qian, but I don’t think he wins (been a while since I started it - he’s like 15, and Cheng Qian is ~9-10 at this point) 

“Strict with others but lenient on himself” → responsible Sect Leader pipeline, More at 10 pm

Side B 

Wenren È from Devil Venerable Also Wants to Know

The MC of Devil Venerable Also Wants to Know, Wenren È, finds a book that details the world around him where he’s the second male lead / love interest who dies to protect the Female Lead / protagonist. He is not in love with her, and he can’t imagine dying for her as is; he also doesn’t understand why his subordinate, who supposedly likes her as well, tried to kill her after his death. I think he’s tasked with addressing readers’ concerns with the novel, but there’s also a lot more going on lol

Submission 1: unhinged, no idea what romance is, has a feral dog with rabies for a boyfriend and thinks that boyfriend is super cute. Also, middle aged man. I love middle aged men.

Submission 2: Because Look, he is trying to get two characters to fall in love for Important Plot reasons and a: him and his main Minion have to look up what love is like in the shitty romance novels they're characters in, and then b: decide to make the two characters fall in love through the Cunning Use of Bugs. Also he got a copy of the book he is a character in, found out his fate, and was like I Think The Fuck Not. 

He also has pretty good morals, if not personality. He’s a much better guy than I expected him to be tbh 

Song Qingshi from Mistakenly Saving the Villain

A medical student who chooses to transmigrate into a sad Danmei novel to save the protagonist. He does not save the protagonist - he saves a cannon fodder villain named Yue Wuhuan. 

“Has a lack of understanding of social situations/an odd personality” - past submission (Danmei Tournament)

Very intelligent but dense to love and s*x; book smart; passionate about what he likes

Yin Hanjiang from Devil Venerable Also Wants to Know

Submission 1: He’s my little scrunkly

Submission 2: He’s my evil wife.

Yin Hanjiang is the second-in-command of the current Demon Lord Wenren È and the fourth male lead of Abusive Romance: You are the Unchanging One in My Heart, a novel Wenren È reads. In the novel, Yin Hanjiang blackens and tries to kill the female lead after Wenren È’s death. 

You would think Wenren È would be the craziest mf in this story, but it is, in fact, Yin Hanjiang. In the original novel, he tortured/chased the FL for quite a while to the point of being one of - if not the most - hated villains in the story; he was originally masked and revealed in a completely unseen twist, I believe. 

He was saved by Wenren È as a child and is obsessed with him, although their relationship changes more to friends than boss-subordinate WAY before they get together. 

Wu Xi from Lord Seventh / Qi Ye 

Submission: He is the roundworm in my stomach

Qi Ye tells the story of Prince Jing Beiyuan’s seventh life, which is a repeat of his first life. Wu Xi is the Great Shaman’s Shamanet and the Empire’s captive from Nanjiang who did not appear in Jing Beiyuan’s first life. 

From what I remember, he uses something similar to magic to make a court official become aroused / see a beautiful woman and embarrass himself in front of the entire court. As a child. 

He also has a vast array of dangerous and venomous animals, one of which he gifts to Jing Beiyuan after they become friends. 

Li Yu from Disabled Tyrant’s Pet Palm Fish 

Submission: He’s infuriating and I love him, also helped create equal rights in ancient china

Li Yu transmigrated into a carp tasked with stealing a mute tyrant’s heart (by the system). He does not know how he’s supposed to do this, but the tyrant - Mu Tianchi - is waiting for him to transform into a human, already in love(?) with him.

The reviews on Novel Updates are… mainly unflattering… but he appears to be a naive and sweet character with in a fluffy love story with the ML, Mu Tianchi 

An Zhe from Little Mushroom 

Submission 1: honest to god, he’s just a little mushroom

Submission 1: he’s just a little mushroom

An optimistic mushroom mutated into a human trying to find his stolen spores

“An Zhe is the only person who wholeheartedly believes in Lu Feng [the ML]” - Carrd 

Cui Buqu from Peerless

Submission: He’s mean, he’s disabled and unapologetic about it, he’s a genius and all his braincells escape him when faced with his rival, he’s a secret agent and has no martial arts, he’s deeply in love and will never say so unless pushed, he will liken his rival to his sun and then tell him he’s the most annoying person he’s ever met. He’s a bastard little fox <3 

Helian Yi from Lord Seventh / Qi Ye 

Qi Ye tells the story of Prince Jing Beiyuan’s seventh life, which is a repeat of his first life. All of his first five lives have been tied to Helian Yi - he helped him ascend the throne in their first life, he was an insect crushed by Helian Yi in his second life, he was a beloved dog killed to feed Helian Yi’s family in his third life, he was a neglected jasmine plant in his fourth life, he was a fox skinned by Helian Ye in his fifth life - but in the first and seventh lives, Helian Yi’s the Crown Prince of the Jin Empire while Jing Beiyuan is the Prince Nan’ning (a title; he’s not related to Helian Yi as far as I know). In their seventh life, Helian Yi seems to be treating him very well (from what I’ve read), but he’s not the love interest. 

He’s also in Faraway Wanderers (for, like, one chapter) and technically is Prince Jin in Word of Honor (but they’re pretty much completely different characters). Zhou Zishu is his most trusted aid who formed Heaven’s Window and then left. 

Idk, I haven’t gotten that far in Qi Ye; he sounds like the villain, but he’s really just Sad - Idk if he’s in love with Jing Beiyuan or what, but he’s SAD, okay? From what I can tell, he cares for Jing Beiyuan but can’t be with him because of his position as Crown Prince, but don’t quote me on that

“In that instant, Helian Yi suddenly wanted to take him into his arms, suddenly wanted to wholly throw out and disregard the home, nation, and world that weighed down on his mind and body, no longer brooding on and wishing for a liaison he didn’t dare to have. He wanted to say, from now on, come earthly blades of wind and swords of frost, I will do everything I can to block them or you. There is only one person in this life and this world for me, even without this extensive, partially mountainous, mostly oceanic king’s land.” - Source 

Feel free to submit propaganda in the notes or in my ask box!

[skeletinmoss]

The curse of the dark Phoenix

Chapter 13: Memories to share

First chapter | Previous

Also go follow @lovelivingmydreams because she's awesome and her writing is amazing. And I have no idea how I convinced her to work on this story with just one drawing.

Enjoy reading:

And then he was in the middle of a little village. Nothing like any village he’d seen before though. The way the houses were built, the clothes the people wore… It was so different from what he was used to.

A little boy rushed past him.

“Virgil hold up!!!” a young boy’s voice shouted.

“Sorry Michael!” the little boy said. “I just want to show mom the flowers before they go bad,” the little boy said to the bigger kid that was catching up to, what Roman assumed to be, his little brother. The boy who would grow up to be the High Mage of the Night Flame.

“If you pick them, they usually last longer V. Now take my hand and lets walk home together. At least pretend I’m looking after you,” Michael insisted.

Roman studied them both. The little boy’s hair looked lighter and shorter than what he was used to seeing from Virgil. Other than that he could definitely see this as a past version of him.

He looked so happy and carefree. As only children can.

“Welcome to the village of my youth.” Roman looked beside him and saw Virgil standing next to him. “It doesn’t exist anymore. Nothing bad. People just left for greener pastures and the village got forgotten to time. I went back a while ago, it’s nothing but open fields now. I still remember it like it was yesterday though,” he continued.

“I… It looks lovely,” Roman said, not sure what to make of it.

“I figured we could combine our options. Get the most out of this dream. I’ll teach you along the way,” Virgil promised before turning his attention back to the memory and speaking the way he did whenever he taught them anything.

“It was named RiverFort,” Virgil stated. “Because of the nearby river and the fort that was built by the guild on the other side… The magic guild that is. Mages were a rarity and ascended mages even more so. Which is why I often find myself older than everyone in the room combined these days,” Virgil joked. “This is Axilla, long before we really named ourselves that. The guild aided the villages within this unclaimed territory and in exchange we all provided what we could…” Virgil nodded ahead and they saw a man and a woman greet Virgil and his brother. The woman was pregnant. Little Virgil kissed his mother’s belly and handed her the flowers.

Then little Virgil went to greet his father who ruffled his hair before continuing a conversation with a gentleman in robes.

“You really got us out of a pickle there Remy. Any idea why those wolves left their territory to snatch our sheep?” Virgil’s father wondered. He seemed like a kind man. And an animal lover with the way he gave the mage’s horse an apple and pats while talking to his rider.

“Not a clue Francis. But I’ll figure it out and make sure I won’t have to come back. If I may pick up a few blankets and a traveling cloak on the way back? Have it set aside if I don’t. Emile is in the north and he’s super capable but negotiations are always a bit iffy,” he shrugged carelessly.

“You be careful too alright. By the grace of the stars, we will see you soon,” Virgil’s father insisted.

“Bye mister magic man!” Virgil said cheerfully. The mage, Remy knelt and looked at him. “Hmmm. Getting bigger huh little man? I get a feeling we’ll be seeing more of each other,” he stated, booping Virgil’s nose to which the little one mock complained. Then he got on his horse.

“Bless your days in the kingdom of the sun,” he bid, and rode off towards the woods.

The family headed inside to listen to Virgil’s story about his day with his big brother.

“Remy was right. He ended up being one of my teachers. And he’d been around the block a few times by then. You’d like him,” Virgil chuckled.

Things shifted. Very briefly Roman saw a little bigger Virgil accidentally levitating a pot that was falling from a stove, much to the amazement of his parents and now two siblings. The little sister he’d mentioned before was an adorable toddler in this one.

Then Remy was back, performing a magic aptitude test, looking not surprised in the least. And then Virgil was being picked up by a carriage his mother tying a no doubt handmade scarf around his neck, the family wishing him luck and praying for the stars to guide him.

Roman noticed that the young boy and his teacher both had applied colored shadows under their eyes.

He got in the carriage, and the family and the village disappeared. Instead they were riding down a long stone rode in a bustling city. Though it didn’t seem as big as the capitol Roman remembered. Little 11 or 12 year old Virgil was looking around nervously.

“It’ll be alright squirt,” Remy, who’d apparently been his escort, assured him. “You’ll make tons of friends and have loads to write to your family about. And just think of all the ways you’ll be able to help them out when you get back for the breaks?” Remy pointed out.

Virgil nodded, still withdrawn from nerves. A stark difference to what he was like when in a familiar environment.

Roman looked at the passing buildings trying to find the academy.

“The one you know won’t be built for a while,” Virgil reminded him. Right… Was this even the current capitol?

“This is what you know as Lumen. One of the bigger cities at the time,” Virgil explained as time sped up around them and they found themselves on the edge of the city up a winding path towards a large building, nestled against the forest.

Then Virgil got out and showed to the dormitories and his room.

“There were ten kids in my group, all of varying ages,” Virgil stated as they watched him put his things away, hug his scarf tight and going outside. “And in a strange moment of bravery, I left my room to go and meet them right away,” he chuckled as they reached a playground where a lot of kids were playing. Most were around Virgil’s age, though there were a few late bloomers there too.

Little Virgil looked around and found a kid sitting by himself, reading.

Roman squinted. Was that Gustav?

“Hi,” little Virgil greeted.

The kid looked up, and Roman was a bit surprised to realize it was indeed a younger Gustav.

He also had shading under his eyes. It must have been the style at the time. It was kind of cute that Virgil still did it though.

The young arch mage looked at Virgil's offered hand curiously.

"Um... I'm Virgil."

Gustav gave Virgil a careful smile and accepted his hand. "Gustav," he said. Virgil visibly relaxed at the successful introductions.

"Can I sit with you, please? I promised my mom I'd try and make friends," he said softly.

Gustav giggled. "Well. I didn't, but I guess I don't want you to break a promise to yours," he said, making room on the bench.

"I almost forgot about this part... looking at it from this angle... I guess I get why he didn't like J and Remus all that much," Virgil mused next to Roman as little Virgil sat down and asked about the book Gustav was reading. The conversation seemed to be going well when suddenly...

"CRACK!"

"Woah!"

"Hey!?"

"Hi there," another boy greeted them. Which would've been fine if he hadn't fallen from the sky accompanied by a broken off tree branch. Right on top of Virgil.

Both were now on the ground with the new boy looking down at Virgil.

"You wanna play tag?" he asked.

"Shouldn't you start with: Are you okay? Or: I'm sorry? Or something like that!?" Gustav scolded as he pushed the new boy off from Virgil and helped him get up and dust him off. "I'm fine. Just... caught me of guard," Virgil assured both.

Gustav was not satisfied, though.

"What were you doing up there anyway? Spying on us?!" he accused.

"Napping, until you two woke me up... after that, a bit of spying," the boy admitted.

"That's a weird napping spot," Little Virgil said. Amused.

"Those are the best kinds," the boy argued.

"I like you. I'm Remus," he decided. Holding out his hand. "Virgil, and this is my friend Gustav," Virgil introduced, making Gustav hold his head up a little higher at being called friend.

"What on earth is all this commotion about?" A new boy wondered as he joined the group.

"Mister bright idea climbed a tree. Took a nap, we heard a snap, and then he bruised a knee," Gustav huffed. The group stared. And Roman chuckled. "Was that on purpose?" Virgil asked. Gustav shrugged. "Not at first," he admitted.

"Impressive," Virgil said.

"Well. I am Janus. And you all are...?" The new boy wondered.

"Virgin, Gus and Remus!" Remus screeched.

Gustav made a face. "Gustav and Virgil..." he corrected.

"You talk fancy. Who's your daddy?" Remus wondered. Making Virgil hide his face to stiffen a laugh. Gustav just rolled his eyes. Glancing at Virgil nervously.

Owch. Yeah. Roman wouldn't have liked two random kids stealing the show right when he was making a proper friend. Especially if it ended in him and said friend never getting close.

"My uncle, is high Mage Remy. Eternal lover of the smoldering heart. so my talent was spotted rather quickly. How about you three?" Janus wondered.

"My parents have like, a ton of stores so they paid for an aptitude test so I’d be out of their hair," Remus shrugged. "Jokes on them. I'll be even more of a menace when I know magic,” he added with a grin. Roman noted that both Virgil and Gustav felt a bit self-conscious now. Virgil glanced to Gustav, realized he was not alone in his worry and found courage. "My parents are tailors, and um... I caught a pot without touching when it fell. So when mister Remy... your uncle, came by to check on our village, they told him. And he checked, and now I am here," he said. Making Gustav relax.

"It's just my mother, and I. She helps one of the farmers who has no children to help him to get by. One day, I made a mess of her nice dress, and I wished it was clean, and then it was." He said, feeling more confident now that he and Virgil seemed to have more in common.

"Cool," Remus grinned.

Someone rang a bell. "Oh, class in session! Come on! You gotta sit with us!" Remus insisted dragging Virgil along, followed by a bemused Janus and a dejected Gustav. That must've stung.

"Your friends seem fun," Roman decided. It hadn't seemed like they were deliberately pushing Gustav away. But the young arch mage clearly hadn't felt comfortable around their big personalities.

"Yeah," Virgil smiled.

"Now. Your turn. Show me something about you," Virgil instructed, catching Roman of guard.

"Me?" He asked.

Virgil nodded. "Pick a memory. Focus on it. And share it like how you shared your emotions with me the past two days," he instructed.

Okay. Doable...

Roman took a breath. Focused and...

He was home. Just the sight of it nearly made him tear up. How had Virgil kept it together when showing his own. "I was prepared. You are doing great," Virgil assured him. Roman nodded gratefully and led Vigil to the play room where he and his friends were bowed over books on magic.

"And then he single handedly tamed the beast of Zimmer and sent it back into the woods!" Young Roman told his friends. Much to their amazement.

"I wish I could do something so amazing," Patton sighed.

"But we can. We just have to get into the academy," Logan stated wisely.

"Don't we have to pass an aptitude test for that?" Roman asked, more intrigued than skeptical. "Yes, but I found an old book in your parents' collection, one from before the plague, and in it, it says that magic is a skill you can learn. Like cooking and art. Talent helps, but it is not our only way to pass the test. It even has the instructions. Are you two with me? I am confident I can do it, of course, but I'd rather not be by myself," Logan said formally.

Young Roman grinned and threw an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Of course, big brains. Where do we start?" He stated. "Yay! We're going to change the world together!" Patton cheered, hugging his friends who chuckled.

"Admirable attitude. It is correct, of course. Even if you didn't have talent, which, for the record, you all do, you could learn to connect with your own mana 'the hard way' as they say."

Roman smiled at the reassurance. He had felt a bit insecure about that.

"Well, you didn't meet your friends at school so I’ll go again," Virgil offered showing a classroom with young Virgil flanked by his friends. Gustav a row behind them.

"Why are we seeing this from this perspective? The memory of the ball was like looking through your eyes," Roman suddenly realized.

"Because this talks easier. The details out of sight are filled in through reasoning. I remember Gustav was behind me and I now realize what first meeting Remus and J might've felt like for him. So I, subconsciously make assumptions based on that. We are watching an unreliable narrator. Especially when paying attention to what happens out of sight," he explained as the teacher paced in front of the room.

“So, who can tell me why we need herbs and minerals and animal parts for casting?” the teacher wondered. Looking over the crowd.

“Remus?” he pressed. Remus rolled his eyes. “So we don’t get tired when doing spells,” he said.

Janus snickered at his friend’s deadpan tone. “Care to elaborate Janus?” the teacher challenged.

Janus sat up straighter. “Spells cost energy like climbing a set of stairs would. Using the mana in outside sources when we can, keeps us from draining our own supply,” he stated.

The teacher nodded. "Why can’t we use whatever we want then? Why, by example, do we use Merick’s leaves and not aloe vera in pain relief spells and potions?" The teacher asked.

Virgil perked up a little, looked around to see if anyone else wanted to answer and carefully raised his hand.

"Yes." The teacher acknowledged.

"The mana in the plants is less flexible than the mana within ourselves. Pushing it beyond their natural form would cost us more energy than we would save. Pain is a symptom unrelated to actual damage. Aloe vera needs something to fix. Mericks leaves soothe and relax." Young Virgil stated. Roman cocked his head. Spotting a difference in their education.

"Indeed. You can learn the components needed for each individual spell or you can learn what those components actually want to accomplish with their mana. That will allow you to truly blossom as mages and push the boundaries of magic,” the teacher explained.

Gustav leaned over his desk and tapped Virgil on the shoulder. “Gotta be you, I’m starting to think you can look at a brand new plant and immediately tell what it’d be good for,” he whispered. So some time had passed. And Virgil had made an impression it seemed.

“Is that why you’re being such a suck up?” Remus teased. Gustav turned red and fell back into his chair. “Whatever, freak,” he huffed. Virgil was clearly uncomfortable caught in the middle of the argument.

“That’s enough of that,” Virgil decided.

Roman agreed and focused on a memory of his own to relive.

His own experience with his chosen field of study.

They stood in a different classroom. In a different building. Students were filing out and joking about. Logan and Patton hesitated by the door as a young Roman approached the teacher.

“Um… Sir?” he asked.

“What is it?” the teacher said, the enthusiasm for teaching Virgil’s teacher had nowhere to be found.

“Um… Well the dean said that we should talk to the teacher specializing in our chosen discipline about… Well specializing and I…”

The teacher perked up. “You want to specialize in herbology?” he asked. Surprised, skeptical, hopeful.

“Y-yes. I mean. Plants and their uses always interested me. And well… Being able to recognize them on sight seems like an important skill. So…” he explained awkwardly.

Now the teacher lit up. “Then I will do my best to teach you all I know,” he promised.

Roman turned to Virgil. “Herbology wasn’t very popular the past fifty years,” he shrugged.

“Well, they never taught you the cool parts so I’m not surprised,” Virgil shrugged.

The memory shifted to his teacher’s private office late in the evening. Young Roman was bowed over a few books, several pots of herbs set up before him.

“It is said, that in the time before the dark plague, there were herbologists who were so in tune with the mana of living beings, that they could sense the ingredients of anything they ate, even down to the exact amount of salt crystals.”

Virgil chuckled. “Slight exaggeration,” he assured him.

Roman wanted to ask him to elaborate, but he figured questions could wait for the road. Virgil might appreciate a distraction while they traveled.

“Sadly, the methods with which they achieved this ability have gotten lost after the plague,” teacher sighed wistfully.

“Sir… I don’t understand these instructions,” young Roman told his teacher.

“This healing spell calls for Mint root, but that feels wrong? In this one,” he pointed to another page, “the revitalization spell, mintroot is combined with Lilly pollen. And it just feels like the Lilly pollen would be far more effective for the healing spell?” young Roman pointed out.

Virgil looked to Roman with a bright, proud smile. “Good eye,” he praised.

Roman’s teacher looked at Roman’s notes and hummed. “I understand your concerns. But Lilly pollen is too potent to use on its own and any deterrent would render the benefit entirely useless. It is a level three after all. We can’t use catalysts in reckless abandon, that is what caused the plague,” he explained gravely. “But good eye Roman. You clearly have talent,” he praised. Young Roman smiled but didn’t look too convinced.

“Do my eyes spy a spark of rebellion?” Virgil gasped.

“I may have started using Lilly Pollen where I felt it was appropriate whenever I wasn’t supervised… I’d say don’t tell Logan but I think he’s thrown all caution to the wind since you made him great wizard mage,” Roman admitted.

“Following your own gut over a teacher’s instruction isn’t such a trivial matter though. That took courage,” Virgil complemented before taking charge of the memories again.

Leaving Roman no chance to react.

Virgil showed a few snippets of memories of him and his friends growing up at the academy. Laughing at Remus’ antics, debating ethics and technicalities with Janus. Going home and showing all that he had learned to his family and using it to help around the village.

And then they were inside a room with a familiar layout. It was round. The floor and ceiling decorated with mosaic representing the night sky, the magically glowing stars the only light source.

Virgil was sat in the middle of the room. Meditating.

Roman could hear the instructions echo in Virgil’s mind, the only sound in this silent room other than Virgil’s breathing.

“Focus on the flow of magic within you. Until it is all that is left. Let it show you your power. Do not waver. Do not turn away. Welcome it. It is part of you. Yet it also is a life all its own. Let it show you, who you are meant to be.”

Roman felt something stir inside him at those words. “That’s a better pep talk than I got,” he whispered to Virgil.

“Do I want to know?” Virgil wondered.

“Try not to die,” Roman surmised.

“… Roman, I never asked. How many Great mages has the academy produced since the plague?” Virgil asked.

“Um… Us?” Roman admitted.

“So… You outrank the council?” Virgil concluded. “Uh… I never thought about it like that… I guess?” Roman mused.

Virgil frowned but focused back on the memory. Also choosing to keep questions for the road.

The stars seemed to go out, and a purple glow appeared inside Virgil right at his heart.

Not a glow… A flame.

Virgil opened his eyes and stood up in the void. Looking for a light, an exit. Something.

He reached for his chest and touched the flame, held it in his hand, and set it free.

The magic spread into the room, creating new stars. Constellations Roman didn’t recognize, and was fairly certain Virgil didn’t know either. So it wasn’t just that he didn’t pay enough attention in astronomy class.

Young Virgil stared on in awe and stepped back in surprise as his magic fire returned to him and burst into an inferno, revealing a phoenix made of purple flames.

Virgil hesitated and bowed. The Phoenix let out a majestic cry and flew straight through Virgil, making his robes flare up and his hair blow back. It was much shorter at this time in his life, but long enough to be affected. Virgil looked behind him and he was back in the meditation room, the door glowing with his magic and opening.

His classmates streamed in.

“That was wicked cool!” Remus exclaimed as he threw an arm over Virgil’s shoulder.

“Uh… What was?” Virgil asked.

“Let’s just say for a moment I thought there’d be a phoenix permanently burned into the doors to the ascension chamber,” Janus smirked.

“Indeed. Congratulations. Virgilious, fate spinner, Mage of the dark phoenix,” their teacher allowed.

Roman looked at Virgil.

“My first nickname. Based on my ability to weave any sort of spell into fabric. Cleaning was my first one but I perfected it to a point where I could integrate three different spells into one fabric. After building a proper reputation as a high mage I got the name Night Flame,” Virgil explained.

Roman looked to the crowd and spotted Gustav standing by the edge. Observing with a closed expression.

Though past Virgil wasn’t looking directly at him so that wasn’t necessarily how he looked at the time.

Past Virgil was too busy feeling bashful about the attention and the title.

Roman felt a little bad for the young Arch mage. If things had gone just a little differently, he would’ve been part of the past few memories rather than a figure in the background.

“Gustav. I believe you were next?” The teacher stated. Now Virgil’s attention did go to him. Gustav hid some kind of expression and nodded formally.

“Watch him get a gnome,” someone whispered in the group, making a few others laugh and Gustav flush.

“What would be wrong with that? Gnomes are mischievous but creative and in tune with nature. There is no such thing as a bad guide. Only shortsighted, immature mages who probably shouldn’t be getting theirs yet,” Virgil scolded his classmates who looked sheepish at being called out like that.

“It’s alright Virgil,” Gustav said, finding his confidence. “Who knows? Maybe I will get a less popular guide. I’m not stupid, I know that is more in line with my standing,” he noted, strolling to the center of the room. “Then again,” he stated as he turned around. “Maybe I’ll be the dragon who will unite the lands under one crown. And you’ll all wish you’d tried a little harder to get my favor,” he smirked as he dropped himself into a cross legged position. “Well, most of you,” he finished.

The teacher guided the group out of the room. Virgil looked back briefly and found that Gustav had dropped the bravado and looked nervous. And then the door closed.

“We don’t need to see every ceremony. There was no dragon that year in any case. But I had learned that if I was going to ever become a high mage, I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I’d have to learn to fly. Remus tried pretty much the day after the ceremony to ascend. And Janus had started daily meditations in preparation for a serious attempt a month or two later.

I was nowhere near mentally ready to even think of that. So… I practiced.”

Roman looked up and they found themselves in a small clearing in a forest. Virgil was pacing the forest floor.

“A bird. Of course I had to be a freaking bird… That’s fine though. I can prepare. This time tomorrow I’m not going to be held back by something as silly as a fear of heights.”

Past Virgil stood still in the middle of the meadow and retrieved a feather from his satchel.

And then his form shrunk and changed. And before them stood a falcon, moving his body experimentally.

“Changing shape gets much easier once you ascend. As you might have noticed. When ascending you essentially abandon a physical form, and become magic yourself. And magic, can take any shape it needs to with ease. Before that… It feels a bit uncomfortable to shape your body in a form that is not its own,” Virgil explained.

“So, changing your looks wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as becoming an animal,” Roman concluded.

“Yeah. Depending on how much you change, but I suppose even changing yourself to an entirely different body type is more doable than becoming a different species,” Virgil agreed as his past self-made a few clumsy attempts to get up on a fallen tree to have a launch platform.

“What you see next stays between us alright?” Virgil asked.

Roman nodded. “I wasn’t going to share a second of this with anyone anyway,” Roman promised.

Virgil smiled at him and then focused on the memory again where the falcon took off. And fell out of the sky almost immediately. Roman blinked and the falcon was back on the tree.

Took of once more, and fell again.

A few more minutes went by. Though Roman never saw the impact. Just the moment that Virgil lost the fight with gravity and then he started over again.

“You fell a lot,” Roman observed.

“I was much too stubborn. Getting tired made it harder,” Virgil huffed.

The memory showed an exhausted falcon, falling asleep on the forest floor… That didn’t seem safe.

Indeed. The sky grew dark and something emerged from the bushes. A fox.

Luckily Virgil woke up just in time to doge it’s attack. He cawed in warning but the fox must’ve been very hungry or in need for some food for their cubs perhaps, because it tried to attack again. Virgil, rather than turning human, fueled by adrenaline, launched himself skyward, and this time, managed to remain there. Flying up above the treetops, elated at his success, and from the looks of it he soon found himself at home among the winds.

He flew past the forest edge and made his way into a familiar village. He returned to his human form on the pathway and was immediately greeted by his family who’d been worried since he hadn’t come home before sundown as he usually did. His father had been about to go look for him.

It was a sweet display.

Then the memory shifted to inside the home. The family was gathered and an older man and two young adults were measuring them. Much to the delight of Virgil’s little sister.

“We did well for ourselves after I figured out the self-cleaning fabric thing. So, when the time came for the introduction ball of the new great mages of that year, we decided to splurge on some new clothes. We didn’t usually do anything fancy so I had a tailor from the city come to make us all something fitting for the occasion.

And, I met the guy who taught me to… appreciate dressing up,” Virgil admitted. Fondly looking at the young man who was clearly trying not to be weird while taking a great mage’s measurements.

“What happened to the lyre player?” Roman asked curiously. Recalling what Virgil said about the first man he kissed while they were sitting at the loom.

“Oh, that was years before this. I was… Sixteen. He was part of a traveling band, but they ran into some bad luck and needed a lot of repairs, so they stayed the summer and did odd jobs to pay for their repairs and necessities and such. We… hit it off. But at the end I had duties in the city and he went back to the road,” Virgil recalled.

“How old are you at this point?” Roman wondered. Virgil had been around Roman’s age when he stopped aging. And he was a great mage in this one, so this couldn’t be too long before that.

Virgil hummed.

“Well, gosh, I haven’t thought about that for a while… But I was 18 when I became a wizard… 19 when I became a great wizard. And… Yeah about 25 when I became a mage.” Roman nodded. That wasn’t an unusual timeline.

“I think… I think I’m 27, almost 28 at this point,” he decided.

Roman observed past Virgil exchange a smile and a joke with the apprentice, making him laugh and relax. He looked cute.

They watched just a little longer. Seeing the young man start to gush animatedly about his passions and Virgil starting to get intrigued.

Then Virgil showed him his next memory.

They were in a large room, lit up with various types of magic lighting. Making for a festive atmosphere. There was music playing and there were people dancing in gorgeous suits and gowns in styles entirely unfamiliar to Roman.

So far he’d seen Virgil and the others wear robes and the casual fashion of commoners that didn’t change as much. He almost wished Virgil had shown him a local festival so he could’ve seen what they’d worn for such an occasion.

He spotted Virgil and his family. The ladies looking lovely in purple gowns with feather’s in their braids. His mother’s hair in an updo and his sisters and another woman Roman didn’t recognize in a lovely half up half down. Their gowns had high collars, tiny glass beads sewn in into the fabric to make them shimmer like the night sky. Their sleeves long and widening from the elbows down. Their skirts flowing delicately with every move. Virgil, his brother and father were all wearing a similar costume consisting of a dark purple shirt with black pants and ties. His father and brother wearing a decorative feather shoulder piece on opposite shoulders while Virgil wore one on both. All the men had the shadows under their eyes, most men at the party did. It really was a fashion trend.

They looked great, and excited to be there.

They greeted a few people at the door. Virgil was predictably dismissive of his teacher’s praises and his family’s pride. He introduced his brother Michael, his sister in law Penelope and his little sister Mariane alongside his parents, Francis and Evelyn. Once he felt there’d been enough introductions he took his sister to the dancefloor she’d been eyeing since the moment they got in.

“Don’t worry,” he assured her when he saw her look at the crowd. “It’s all in the lead. So I’ll be the one looking bad if something goes wrong.” His sister rolled her eyes and stepped on his foot on purpose, much to his amusement.

Then he took her in a spin around the room. Mariane looked like she was having the time of her life. Dressed up and dancing at a ball.

And then a handsome young man tapped Virgil on the shoulder, interrupting their dance.

The young man was a bit flushed as he took in Mariane before turning to Virgil.

“My apologies, mister Virgil. Would, either of you,” he glanced hopefully to Mariane, “Mind if I cut in?” he asked.

Virgil smirked and looked at his sister who was clearly taken aback by this turn of events.

“Mariane, this is one of Janus’ cousins, Vincent. Vincent, this is my beloved little sister Mariane. Do you mind keeping Vincent company while I look for his cousin and Remus?” Virgil asked.

Mariane shook her head. “Not at all,” she breathed. And so Virgil handed her over with care and left the floor to look for his friends.

He found them soon. Both dressed even more lavishly than Virgil was. Remus a collage of styles and suits that were all demanding attention. Janus seemed to have pieces of scaled leather incorporated in his suit. Probably showcasing their guide.

Roman noticed Gustav talking to a few noble looking men with a woman at his arm that must’ve been his mother. His suit was modest if not for the ornate pieces of jewelry added to it.

Remus and Janus praised Virgil for his suit and they talked about old times and their plans for the future. Virgil laughed with them but kept glancing at the dancefloor.

Suddenly something startled him and without a word he made his way back towards the center where Roman also spotted someone trying to cut between Vincent and Mariane. Something neither seemed interested in.

“Excuse me,” Virgil announced putting himself between the pair and the third wheel.

“… Great mage Virgil. Good evening. I merely wanted to honor your sister with a dance,” the man assured Virgil.

“The honor would be yours entirely, if she was interested, which she isn’t. Go find someone who is Philipe,” he warned.

“Ah, so you know who I am… Wouldn’t you agree that it would be in your family’s best interest to…”

“I would agree to no such thing,” Virgil interjected. And Roman could feel power build even in this memory. Clearly mister Philipe hadn’t expected that reaction.

“In fact, I think you’ll find it would be in you and your family’s best interest not to anger me any further. I would be very careful of angering the Dark Phoenix. For they are loyal and reliable and inspire such traits in those they meet. I have friends Philipe, and those friends might have more influence than you’d like,” Virgil warned.

“Virgil… You are…” Mariane said softly behind him.

“Is that a threat mage?” Philipe challenged.

“It is a promise that I am not afraid to put you in your place in front of this whole party,” Virgil growled. And around him people gathered, looking at Philipe like his judgement had already been passed. And it wasn’t favorable. Vincent had escorted Mariane to her parents and they all looked on while Virgil laid down the law.

Philipe seemed nervous now, looking around the room and seeing no support. He was about to say something else but then backed away in fear. Virgil’s building power was more obvious now, his clothes and hair flaring and moments later, it erupted with a protective fury from his being.

For a moment Virgil was completely gone. Only a shapeless mass of purple flames in his space.

“Virgil!” his family called, and as if in answer to his name, the flames took the shape of a bird, and then a man, and then Virgil reemerged from the flames. Reborn as a high mage.

[falling-star-cygnus]

Hi! I just fell on your blog a few minutes ago and then went on to read all your stories about Billy Kid (my favorite character in ZZZ) so I immediatly followed you and now dying to read more because I am starved for good Billy kid stories you have no idea. AO3 hasn't done much yet about him, there are some good ones, but they are also too few yet, maybe in a few months. Hope you don't mind if I flood your ask box with request about him. I love him being in a bad situation and the rest of the Cunning Hares immediatly going into War Mode the moment someone mess with him without their knowledge. Or him just being cared for by the rest of the girls when he's not in a good shape, or injured, or well, you get the idea. Think you could do a story where Billy suffers a blow to the head during a mission which makes him temporary lose his memories about his time with the Cunning Hares so he still thinks he's a feared enforcer in the Outer Ring and thus acts more like the old him, who is very much implied to have been much less nice and more ruthless than his present self given that in one of his trust events he actually sends a death threat to a thug, and also an entire gang of thugs running away from him the moment they recognize him. Meanwhile Nicole, Anby and Nekomata are at a loss at how to deal with a much less nice Billy who doesn't remember them and is clearly more than ready to shoot anyone or anything for just being in his way and them trying to just bring back the Billy they know by trying to show him everything he's been doing with them, and also them worried about how different he was before meeting them and them not knowing him more than that and stuff. Would be interesting, if you want to write it of course. Also, do you plan to maybe put your stories about Billy (all the asks you got about him) on AO3? There is not enough Billy Kid content yet there, and I think you would help immensely, given your stories are all incredible and they are about our favorite android. <3 <3 <3, Of course, no pressure there, I'm just curious and wondering, feels like a shame to only see those stories on tumblr, but I'll totally understand and respect whatever decision you choose. Also love the work you put for your stories about the Billy asks, I drank them faster than a thirsting man in a desert suddently having access to water, I love you so much for doing this the internet needs more Billy Kid stories the android is gonna be my death and I am so ok with that.

RAHHH YOU'RE SO SWEET, WHAT?? -> oml, you fr got me close to tears over here <333

as of right now, i don't have an AO3 account- bc it never seemed like much of a priority to make one, but i might just bite the bullet and start posting over there now that you're hyping them up so much 😭 

of course, i'll still primarily post on here methinks, and i'll definitely write that request of yours too bc i genuinely love that idea [just in a different post to keep this from getting too long] but seriously, you're so sweet. thank you so much and request away!! <3 <3 <3

HC for the Road: When Billy gets super angry, like genuinely needs to blow off some steam before he snaps at the girls, he'll just kick or punch the nearest safely destructible item -> for example: the Hares' could be in a Hollow and they get stuck or something, and Billy's already had a bit of a rough day so he just kicks one of the thick metal pipes laying around to vent and accidentally sends his foot through it [and gets stuck like a cartoon] -> the rest of the Hares' are struck yet again with the reminder of "oh yeah, he's CHOOSING not to break our bones 😃"

[lilareviewsbooks]

The Goblin Emperor 5/5: I’m Bored and I’m Having So Much Fun

5/5 stars

446 pages

Contains: an emperor that doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing; kindness as like a plot point; court intrigue!!!

The Goblin Emperor has been on my TBR for years, now. I’d heard someone say, a long time ago, that it was a weird book, and that “you’ve never read something like this before”. Of course, my curiosity was piqued. I love weird, funky little books, that turn you upside down and shake you a bit, especially if they’re speculative fiction. So The Goblin Emperor went into my TBR, until this month, when the mood to read it finally struck me and I sat down with it.

But The Goblin Emperor is not best described by “weird”, in my opinion, nor is “uneventful” a good descriptor, either. I think those of you who have read the book will agree with me that there are several big events throughout the story that capture your attention and are major turning points for the characters. However, it’s impossible to avoid, when recommending this, the fact that it is… boring?

Let me be clear: I don’t mean this in a bad way, at all – I had so much fun reading The Goblin Emperor. Nor am I using it to suggest that Ms. Addison’s writing choices were inadequate. I’m using this word because I think it’s the best way to describe what happens here. 

I’ll explain myself: it’s not that nothing happens in The Goblin Emperor, but the pacing is slow. And not in a bad way – things just take their time. We follow our main character in an almost day-by-day basis. We watch him wake up, have breakfast… And at the end of the day, we are with him as he puts on his pajamas and goes to bed. 

And then there is the fact that Ms. Addison takes what I called an “almost anthropological approach to describing culture” in my review of the Teixcalaani Duology, by Arkady Martine. Much like Ms. Martine does in her two books, A Memory Called Empire and A Desolation Called Peace, Ms. Addison takes her time to consider every move in its cultural context. If, in A Memory Called Empire, the most striking element of this approach is the Teixcalaani smile, which differs from how other parts of the world chose to do so, here we see this attention to detail in the elvish language.

In this world, “we” is the default first person singular. It’s the formal “I”, and “you” is the formal second person singular. Watching these characters drop this formality barrier or decide to put it up makes for a beautiful addition to the dialogue and character relationships throughout the book. It also, of course, tells us much about this world and this culture, which is bound tightly by strings of formality and tradition. (And is also a reflection of how other languages work, in the real world. French, Italian and Spanish, for example, have formal yous, as I’m sure other non-European languages do, too. This makes me super curious to see how this quirk was translated in languages that already have this as a feature. If anyone knows, please tell me!)

This almost-anthropological lens, however, adds a stillness to the story that makes it move slower, taking more time in each of the character’s movements. Which, in turn, makes this book a little more boring.

But, like I said, this is boring in a good way. This stillness, this slowness, allows us to spend ample time with our characters, really getting to know them. And the world sparkles around them, made so vivid by this attention to detail, this approach to a fictional culture. It feels alive outside of the pages, like we’ve only popped in for a visit, and the clock will continue ticking when we’re not there.

But the crux of the story, and the reason why it needs to slow down, the most, is our protagonist, Maia. Maia is the youngest, half-goblin son of the elvish Emperor, who scorns him. He is secluded to a remote location with his cousin Setheris, until a messenger arrives – the Emperor and all his other sons have died in a freak accident, meaning Maia has inherited the throne. With no education in politics and no friends, Maia journeys to court, where he will learn to rule.

And although he’s put in this position of power, and finds himself, in several ways, helpless and dependent on others, Maia never loses his kindness. He’s a generous soul who strives to make decisions for the good of others, and this is the axis around which the rest of the plot moves, slowly, forwards.

To really understand this kindness, to dig into it and be aware of its various implications, its causes, it’s necessary to spend quite a while in the company of Maia, as he blunders forward. And what a journey it is! I’ll tell you, “boring” might be a good word to describe this book, but so is “compelling”. When it hooks you, it hooks you, and it leaves you wanting to bury yourself further and further into this world, to know more, to spend more time with Maia, and find out all the intricacies of his language.

Thank you for reading this review! I’m working on a list of similar books, which will be called something like “Books for Humanities Nerds”, so if this sounds like your cup of tea, keep an eye out! Have a nice day :)

[cyberphuck]

Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged: Part One

EDIT: Tumblr randomly swallowed like 500 words in the middle of this, so I've added that back in.

I am finally embarking on my long-threatened project to summarize all of the Farseer Trilogy for my friend Razz so they can understand my shitposts about it but don’t actually have to read it. I started with this post about the cast of characters in the first book.

This is being broken up into sections because the trilogy and AA in particular (as well as Royal Assassin... whew, that one’s gonna be hard) is so insanely long and complex.

And now, Ladies and Gentlequeers, AA Abridged: Part One.

We open on the narrator musing both about writing a history of the Six Duchies (but being unable to because every time he tries it turns into a salty rant about everything bad that's ever happened to him) and also about how very old and decrepit he is. He is hunched over his writing desk, his fingers gnarled and knuckly, literally crumbling away like a Thanos-snapped MCU character as he sorrowfully attempts to make some record of the long and storied life he's lived before he lapses into the sweet void of death.

Fitz is 35.

"I bet you're wondering how I got here," Fitz writes. "It all began when I was born. Neither of my parents bothered to show up."

Actually, the curtain opens on Fitz as a six year old, being hauled up to the front doors of a fort by a cranky older man. "Surely you must have memories of your childhood before six," someone in the audience asks, but Fitz replies "No, I definitely don't, I never did and I'm tired of you asking me that." It never really becomes super important what he was doing before he was six, unless you count the time where he was traveling from the King-In-Waiting's ballsack to the sweet hot vagina of Some Lady He Never Spoke To Again.

Fitz is scooped up and brought inside the fort, and presented to Prince Verity. You'd think Verity would be at least a little upset that his older brother has muddied the line of succession with his long-ago nut, but Verity acts as if Fitz's existence is the funniest thing he's ever seen. "Yep, looks just like him," Verity confirms, then instructs a soldier to bring Fitz to Burrich.

That's right, the cranky old man hammers on the front door, waits for someone to open it, says "this is Prince Chivalry's kid and I'm tired of dealing with him," and then walks off. Despite this, Fitz never develops any abandonment issues and only has healthy and honest relationships with people for the rest of his life.

"Those are all the memories I have of that fort," Fitz writes, "except for that one night that Prince Verity, Burrich, and Prince Regal stood and looked in on me in the stall and Regal complained that I was muddying the line of succession."

Burrich does not think this situation is as funny as Verity did.

But he's honest and loyal, so he sighs and says "C'mon, Lil Accident, I'll find a place for you to sleep." That place is in a horse stall with Vixen, the hound dog, and Nosy, her pup. Burrich looks down at all of them, mutters "Patience is gonna have a fucking aneurysm" and then walks off.

After a couple of weeks, Burrich puts Lil Accident on a horse behind him and they ride away from Moonseye and towards Buckkeep. During this time, offstage, Fitz's father Chivalry gets word of his appearance and does the only sensible and logical thing, which is to ollie out the window while flipping everyone off and yelling "GOOD LUCK FIGURING THIS ONE OUT, LOSERS!" He abdicates and retires to a farm with his weirdo wife, which pisses off basically everyone.

Burrich and Fitz arrive at Buckkeep, the capital of the Six Duchies, a tall castle on a hill overlooking the ocean. Burrich is the stablemaster, in charge of all the critters large and small at the keep. He'd also been Chivalry's right hand man until he'd jumped in front of a boar to keep it from killing the Prince and fucked up his leg. Burrich comes home to Buckkeep with a bad leg and a six year old bastard to find that his bestie has just fucking peaced out without saying anything to him. He's kind of having a bad day. He hands Fitz off to stableboy Cobb, who leads him and pup Nosy to the kitchens to get something to eat.

Cobb sits FItz-and-Nosy just outside the kitchens and goes inside for delicious pie. A burly man walks by Fitz, does a double-take, then points and yells, "Hey everyone! It's Chivalry's Bastard!"

Fitz shrinks down.

"I heard you don't even have a name!" Burly man hollers, then gets right up in Fitz's face. "Is that true, tiny and defenseless six year old boy that I'm accosting? You don't have a name?"

Fitz yells "NOOOOOO" and, like a tiny, dirty Jedi master, force-shoves the man onto his ass. The crowd, assuming that the dude was just a coward who couldn't handle being yelled at by a toddler, has a laugh and carries on with their tasks. Fitz gets up and he and Nosy run away and spend all day hiding in a hole.

Burrich does eventually find him, and with a hearty "what the fuck you can't just burrow underneath the shed, get out of there," returns him to the stables, where his new home is Burrich's little bachelor pad above the stalls. In the days and weeks that follow, Fitz wakes up, eats breakfast, and immediately escapes the keep to go down to the town and run around with a bunch of street kids.

Fitz doesn't say much but he's game for anything and he has a dog, so he's accepted into the gang as "Newboy." He and his new friends generally just run around making trouble, stealing food, and bothering people. One of the notables in the bunch is Molly Nosebleed, called that because she always looks like someone just got done beating the shit out of her. Wholesome!

One sunny day, Fitz, Molly and Nosy are on the rocks near the beach looking for sheel to eat. I have no idea what sheel is and neither does Google. Then Molly's dad shows up to hit her with a stick to teach her a lesson about having a drunk, violent dad.

Alarmed, Fitz force-shoves Molly's dad into the sand. Molly immediately freaks out and struggles to get dad back on his feet to stagger back to their candle-making shop (or chandlery if you're feeling fancy). Fitz is confused at the intricacies of abusive relationships, but relieved that no one yet knows that he has force-shoving powers.

Aside from his brief encounter with childhood trauma, everything is going great for Fitz. Then one day, while he and his fellow urchins (and Nosy) are running from a dude whose sausages they just stole, Fitz runs right the fuck into Burrich.

"You get your butt right back up to the castle, young man," Burrich says, dragging Fitz along by his ear. "And if I EVER find out you've been down in town hanging out with someone again, I will personally have sex with them a bunch of times," he added foreshadowingly.

"I don't have to do what you say," Fitz barks.

"Bark," says Nosy.

Burrich's eyes narrow. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asks.

"I don't really know numbers," says Fitz.

"Bark," says Nosy.

"Nosy says that's three," Fitz translates.

"Alrighty then, no more puppy for you, the puppy is going to live on a farm upstate," Burrich says. He drags the puppy outside.

Presumably something cool happens to it.

So now instead of slumming around Buckkeep Town, Fitz spends his days following Burrich around and being taught how to manage horses and dogs but not birds because birds apparently hate bastards. Fitz is careful not to let Burrich see him being friendly with any animals.

One day, Fitz is sitting underneath a table in the Great Hall, being friendly with a bunch of puppies. It's the morning after a party and there's plenty of leftover food to be had, and he's happily stuffing pies down his shirt and sharing pieces with the pups. Then he hears footsteps and who should show up but KING SHREWD!

Shrewd is technically Fitz's grandfather but has never really spoken to him. He's walking along with Prince Regal (*crowd boos*) and the king's new fool, a weirdo albino child who's just cartwheeling along behind them.

Fitz goes "hmm, time to bounce" and crawls out from under the table. Shrewd stops to look at him. "Ah, the Little Accident," he says. "If you leave weapons laying around, someone will eventually pick them up and stab you with them."

"What?" says Regal.

"What?" says Fitz.

"I am not going to leave you laying around for someone else to kill me with," Shrewd says. "Lil Accident, take this pin. I am going to to feed you, train you, house you and clothe you. If anyone's got shit to say about it, show them this pin. It means you belong to me."

"...Okay, sure," Fitz shrugs. He puts the pin into the collar of his shirt. Shrewd nods magnanimously and walks on. Regal flips him off. The Fool cartwheels out the door as they leave.

That night, Fitz goes home to Burrich's bachelor pad, but Burrich turns him right back around. "You done gone and did it now," he says. "King Shrewd noticed you and now you're gonna have to go live inside the castle like a fancy lad. Go on."

"But despite my fear and resentment of you, I see you as a protector and father figure," Fitz says.

"Oh little boy who blew up my life, I love and resent you too," Burrich assures him. "If you get lonely, you can come back down here and I'll murder another puppy for you."

Fitz trudges up to the castle. He has a room of his own. There's a fucking weird tapestry on the wall of the ancient King Wisdom consorting with... what is that thing? Slenderman? It's creepy.

Weeks go by. Fitz is kept busy with new lessons in reading and writing and 'rithmetic, as well as swordery. Once in a very long while, he makes the trip back down to the town to visit his buddies, but those trips become fewer and farther between.

It's the middle of the night.

Fitz wakes up to a draft and a light in his face. There's an old man at the foot of his bed, holding up a lantern. "Come with me," the old man says.

"Oh," Fitz yawns, getting out of bed. "It's the call to adventure."

The old man leads Fitz to a doorway in the wall that hadn't been there before. This is where the draft was coming from-- a steep staircase leading up between walls. Old man leads Fitz up a maze of passageways and then finally to a huge hidden room with all the amenities a crazy old wall-man could want, like a fireplace and comfy chairs and a big bed and a library and a science lab.

Also, the old looks like he took a hot frying pan to the face. Like he really looks like hell.

"Wrow," Fitz says.

"Wrow indeed, boy," the old man agrees. "My name is Chade. I bet I look familiar to you. Well it's because I'm King Shrewd's brother and I blah blah blah I have a weasel named Slink. Next you're going to ask what the fuck happened to my face. I can tell everything you're thinking, because I'm a master spy and assassin and-- now this part you should take to heart-- I am always right about everything. Never doubt me."

"Okay," Fitz says.

"Good. That out of the way, let's train you to kill people."

[flameswallower]

A big difference between me and my partner that often causes some problems is that I have a terrible memory-- or, at best, a very inconsistent memory-- and they have a fantastic one.

Now, these differences are present across the board, so they do present some of the problems you're probably thinking about: Shell gets exasperated that I'm always asking them when we're scheduled to do things, that I sometimes forget things I said-- even PROMISED-- I'd do, and that I tell the same jokes and stories repeatedly because I forget that I've already told them. Typical ADHD/non-ADHD couple stuff.

But the biggest problems come from the differences in our autobiographical memories and the ways in which we experience time and selfhood because of those differences. I have the advantage of lightness, flexibility, the ability to change with relative ease, very rarely holding long-term grudges, still feeling upset/self-conscious about things that happened a long time ago,etc. And while I don't see the need to get precious or overly philosophical about the exact nature of my selfhood, I'm not usually distressed that I've been different than I am now, and that I will be different in the future, and that bad shit happened to some guy who doesn't really feel like me anymore. Whatever.

On the other hand, I have the disadvantage that it's hard for me to look far beyond the present in either direction, it's hard for me to plan or to stick to plans, and because I do not remember that much, it's very easy for someone who remembers more to tell me heavily biased or even just untrue things about what happened in my own past-- to which I have no choice except to go "well, I guess, it's not like I have anything to contest that with beyond a gut feeling that it's kind of wrong." Sometimes Shell will tell me I said or did something years ago that still bothers them, and I have to be like, "wow, as described, that's a super shitty thing to do/say, and I'm so sorry that I apparently said/did it. No, I don't remember saying/doing it, and I also can't tell you what I was thinking." And then we both feel kind of gaslit!

I sometimes wish I could remember people who have gone from my life in more detail than I do.

On the other hand, Shell experiences a lot of stuff that would really upset me for, eh, maybe a few months? as traumas that last years and derail their life because they can't forget what happened even a little bit, or put it from their mind. They mourn people, places, and things that have gone very deeply, and the mourning is in a sense permanent. They sometimes get paralyzed in making decisions because they can't stop thinking about everything that led up to making the decision and every possible way it might affect things in the future. I think it is also very hard for them that they remember and carry slights for a long time when others not only don't see those slights as a huge deal, but often don't or barely remember crossing Shell at all. This makes them feel like they aren't important to other people, even though often it's just that other people (even people whose memories aren't as bad as mine) don't remember things as well as they do, especially if they did not experience an event as emotionally charged in the same way Shell did.

But Shell is a great planner, and very smart, and only needs to read or hear or learn something one time to understand it completely. Everyone around here depends on them a lot because of these traits-- though this, too, can be something of a burden!

[go-to-the-mirror]

i dont want to talk about scrutiny

WHATEVER, FINE, OKAY, WE'RE DOING SCRUTINY, OR SOMETHING, FINE, WHATEVER, WHAT EVER

i love scrutiny, i do, but in the way that i love threshold, and nothing beside remains, and seeing it through, and a guest for mr spider. meaning I really do, but I also hate it with vitriol. Not really? It's complicated. I have Some Feelings Towards it. Yep. Look this podcast makes me feel happiness and sadness and anger at the same bloody time, but it's all confused because it's overridden by being Very ADHD about it, so like, they're all rattling around in there. I hate it (affectionate), I love it (derogatory), you get it?

Anyway, y'all know how I feel about Jon already, and if you don't, it's love and only love, so uhm, yeah, let's just get on with it already, rambling and mostly rambling, attempts to set aside my undying love for the Jarchivist for like a day, etc.

@a-mag-a-day

Firstly, I'd like to draw attention to the posts I made on my instagram story about this when I was first listening to TMA, because I was Not Alright.

The first was highlighting the description of the episode: "Statement of an unknown bystander, regarding an encounter with The Archivist." "The Archivist." Not "Jonathan Sims," not "Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London," not even "Jonathan Sims, The Archivist."

Just... The Archivist.

The second was regarding the first, saying that I knew it was deserved but he should be allowed to eat a few fears. As a treat.

I didn't say anything to my partner (who you should follow by the way, they're scarandjoelenthusiast), cause I think I was still attempting to be spoiler free for vex at that point, lol. And I had no other... friends. At all. Um. Yeah.

So, onto the relisten! Oh boy.

MARTIN Ah, alright, did he... did he look like he hadn't slept in about a week?

I absolutely love that Jon's descriptors are looking like shit, and looking like Jesus. That's just amazing.

Also uh,,, why did Martin immediately go to Jon? Hm..

Everything, every bit of light or sound or, or anything that changed, that said time was passing. There was nothing. Before that I never really thought about time, you know? But now… Yeah.

that must have been terrifying

So, it, it took a long time to get over that. I mean, that’s not weird, right? I me— It was a bad time. You know, it, it stays with you. Was signed off, what, I think about six months with the injuries. Had pretty bad, uh, nightmares, claustrophobia, I mean, obviously, right? But, uh, but, but I did my physio, and, you know, talked, talked with the counsellor they gave me. Look, I did everything I was supposed to and, and yeah, I… I guess I was fine. You know, once the bruises were gone I— Well, it’s easy to blame memory, right? You know, ha-hallucination, coincidence, all the classic shite you tell yourself. Life went back to normal. I— I was fine. Until about two weeks ago.

Jesus fucking christ, Jon. She was fine, trying to get over it, Floyd was fine and that's just it, because they think they're safe, and-

She was fine, she was okay, and he took that from her, he took that from her, he made it so she couldn't be fine anymore, he made it so every god. damn. night she'd experience that again, the bastard.

There’s this creep in, in the corner. Your guy. He just… keeps staring at me, like, like properly staring. Like, it is super intense and, and real weird. Like he knows me, but I sure as hell do not know him. I— I try to ignore him, look, I just, I just read my book, and every time I look up there he is, watching me.

Girls when they realise oh yes, he's an avatar.

So… Look, I’m packing up, all done and, and I just, I just sorta turn, you know, just, just to check if he’s still there and he is standing right behind— Like, like a few inches from my face. Look, it’s messed up!

That's??? Terrifying?? I mean, look, like, my sisters jump whenever I quietly stand behind them and stare intently, and they're my sisters, they know me, they know I only joke about stabbing them with a knife, Jon, that's freaky, stop being freaky, you have trauma at home. Go eat a stale trauma for gods sake.

Like, okay Mr. "I don't think it's me doing it." Who sat at a bloody coffee shop for an hour.

I. Understand. That there is a certain. Need. To cause and feed on fear. As an Avatar/Monster/Whatever. And I mean like it's pretty hard. To admit you're in the wrong for something. Even if you think you're in the wrong for other things. But like. None of this matters to Jess, to Floyd, to the three other people whose lives he ruined. He can try be better, he can never do it again, but he can't go back and fix it.

And I start to ask him, you know, what the hell, man, you know? Like— But he just starts talking. Slowly. But real intense. He says, he works here, at the, the Magnus Institute, and I say, what even is that and he says, he wants my story. He says he needs to hear what happened to me. And I— I want to tell him to jj-just go away. I want to, to, to kick him and run. But I— (long sigh) I sit down. And I start to tell him everything. About the job, about the collapse, a-about the hand. More than I told you, even, and, and as I do— it’s like I’m there again. Like I can feel it grab my ankle, th-th-that cold, dead hand and I just… I just can’t stop talking. I cannot shut up.

[ID: A blurry photo of CC!GoodTimesWithScar with his head in his hands. /End ID]

And then it was over. And he looked— He looked at me like he’d just eaten, like a perfectly cooked steak. You know what he said? He said, “Thank you.” “Thank you.” Just like that. Like, like reliving the worst parts of my whole life were just a bit of a… a favour that I’d done him. And then he left and I— I just sat there and cried for a while.

i don't know what to say im just sitting here with my head in my hands.

And he’s there the whole time, just… watching me. Watching me scream and thrash and… He’s all eyes. He’s all eyes.

I kinda want to punch him right about now, because how dare he do that to her, how dare he ruin her life just because he wanted to. Whatever, avatar, feed your god or it'll feed on you, I don't care, that's his business, not hers. She wasn't involved, she didn't have to be involved, she was fine and he took that from her, the bastard!

How dare he sit there talking about choice, how dare he feel all guilty for ruining her life, how dare he! He doesn't deserve to feel bad about it. Christ, Jon, what the fuck.

But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake as well. I’ve been… I’ve been having a lot of problems since he talked to me. Since I talked to him. Since I told my... story. The, the claustrophobia, it’s back, worse than it ever was and I can’t do my job. I have these, these screaming panic attacks every time I try and— What am I supposed to do? Like, feels like, like every time I’m even slightly underground I— Can’t even go into a shop basement more without feeling that… (sniffs) hand. Every time I do, every time I get that panic just rising up my throat, I see him. He’s there. Not when I look properly, but just at the edge. The corner of my eye. Then he’s gone.

(MAG 142 - Scrutiny)

Since then, she said she’d been seeing that woman everywhere she went.

(MAG 6 - Worm Sex Episode Squirm)

✨ becoming what you hated ✨

No, but I have a lot of feelings on becoming a fear entity Avatar and the cycle of violence. Of how Avatars often only became Avatars because of previous trauma, because they had no other options. Of how they often don't see themselves as victims, for example Annabelle Cane describing herself as manipulative, even as she was a child trying to cope in an abusive household. And I think that Jon being like Jane Prentiss, following his victims like her, starting to understand her... that ties into those themes. I love this podcast <3.

MARTIN No, no, it’s— Thank you. I just— [Agitated clatter] For god’s sake, can he not just stay safe for like, like ten minutes?! DAISY I don’t think that’s an option for him anymore. MARTIN Yeah, I mean, sure. But he just… he doesn’t think! He always just immediately charges straight off into danger with whatever, whatever half-arsed plan occurs to him at the time! I don’t get it! DAISY What’s to get? MARTIN What? DAISY I, I mean, it’s pretty standard stuff. MARTIN What? DAISY Used to see it all the time back in the force, especially with the sectioned. Not like there’s ‘normal’ trauma, you know, but it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless. MARTIN Oh god… DAISY And of course for Jon’s there’s survivor’s guilt in there too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive.

PODDED CAST!!

Thank you, Jonny.

Like hgnhhrnhhnr <3 yep. mhhnm there's another post that talks about the meaning of putting that in with scrutiny, I'll tag a mag a day in that.

Like! Aa! Thank you. Don't really have much to add, I mean I said a bunch in other episodes rambles, specifically the MAG 131, 132, and 136 ones.

I mean you know, the whole spider thing, a bit of his self-blame about... the end of season 4... could come from... if he's not to blame, then he didn't have any control, then all of this was out of his control. If he couldn't stop it, if Jimmy Magma's plan was that good then... well, then he was helpless, and there's nothing worse than being helpless.

in conclusion, disregard the above Jon did nothing wrong- no, he's... he doesn't get to be forgiven by Jess, by Floyd, by the others, not unless they choose to forgive him. But he can work on doing better, you know? He's allowed to not wallow in guilt the whole time, he's not irredeemable, he just did bad things -- bad things he can't fix -- but he can work on never doing those bad things again, on mitigating the damage as much as he can. He's not a bad person, just a person who did bad things.

I dunno, I'm more interested in the metaphysics side of philosophy. You know there's a branch of philosophy called metametaphysics? I think it's so funny.

[cleo-c-art]

🌂❤️✂️ for stonearm!

Thanks for letting me talk about my girl!

Two sketches to go with these. Answers are below the text break!

What genre do they belong in?

Stonearm absolutely belongs in the seedy underbelly of high fantasy! She's a rogue/fighter who almost dipped into paladin and has the divinely favored feat. Her 'birthright' is paladin-hood and a lawful, honorable connection to a good god. Her inheritor background brought her a beautiful rapier with a diamond in the hilt (+ a curse from a demon and a second hand blessing from her birth mom's dying breath.) The path she chose is much less knightly: running away at 16 to join a gang, drink, commit crimes, and do mushrooms. In a high fantasy world, she ran from herself so far that she has spent the vast majority of her life in jail (and when she was free she was usually not sober.)

What is one of your OC's best memories?

About two weeks ago in-game, Stonearm got to meet her deity, Segojan Earthcaller. He offered her a lot of good advice as well as the only flowers she'd ever seen in real life. In accepting his blessing, she became one of his holy warriors, her stone arm (which had been actually turning to ooze, long story) was restored to flesh, and the hold the demon had on her was broken. For about an hour she got to be super happy and was excited to have full use of and feeling in her hand, which she never had before, but then of course things went bad later that day. A few days later she found out the blessing also made her not age, so she is going to outlive everyone she loves, and that kinda sullied the memory a little and messed with her connection to her god. Despite that, meeting the Earthcaller is the only time she has ever really felt peace and warmth.

What is one of your OC's worst memories?

She has so many it's hard to choose from! About a week ago in-game is probably now her worst memory. Stonearm, after getting drunk and feeling truly horrible about herself, went to go talk to her gf Aitha about their future. They had established they were getting back together and were going to make decisions as a team, but they hadn't really agreed on what their future was. When Stonearm got to Aitha's room, she found a letter and Aitha's sword on the bed. Reading the letter, Aitha didn't really break up with her, but I thought for a while that it was probably the end of them anyways as she made such a huge decision against everything Stonearm has stressed about what she needs from Aitha. The DM agreed that that was a very fair reaction lol. Another good contender for worst memory is when Stonearm had to fight three of her and Aitha's dead friends who had been turned into monsters, then Aitha left her to deal with it and get drunk, and then Stonearm's late best friend's head got thrown in sewer water by a naked rat guy. When she went to check in on Aitha, she got yelled at by Aitha's brother Peak (misguided barbarian anger, he later apologized) and then Aitha got mad at her (sad drunk barbarian anger.) Then, in the morning, she found out a party-mate had, in cold blood, killed the two friends they managed to subdue instead of kill in the original fight. That also really sucked.

[ilaiyayaya]

My PSP Is So Overpowered >:]

It's insane how vast the PSP modding scene is. Like, to an extent I already knew it was pretty in depth, it's one of the most heavily modded consoles ever made and is generally considered one of the best pieces of hardware ever made for emulation but like, it's way deeper than I even expected. You can practically turn a PSP into an unrecognizable system on the software side, or even probably the hardware side if you know console hard-modding, but I don't, and I don't really care enough to learn, modding hardware isn't going to give me Umineko Background!

The closest thing to hard modding I'd probably ever do would be like, making a custom shell, but I wouldn't consider that the same thing since it doesn't affect the internal function of the system, and it's also pretty simple.

So far modding this thing has been really simple too, like, I'm dumb, like really really really dumb, and the only console modding I've ever done was some minor Wii U modding like, 3 years ago, but that was extremely minor and was also 3 years ago. But the PSP has some really good guides online and the process itself pretty much just comes down to transferring files onto the memory card and occasionally (that took 3 attempts to spell that correctly and I do this every time I type occasionally, it is an impossible word for me to speel like I said I am very idiot) making a couple of new folders and .txt files.

For now I'm sticking to some pretty entry-level modding, mostly just aesthetic stuff like custom themes (I want that fucking Umineko theme goddammit) and better sorting for the home screen, along with loading a few emulators mostly just to test them out (althooo I may end up actually using this in the long run as my main way to play GBA games cuz like, handheld :) and maybe Game Gear (I LOVE SONIC BLAST!!! I FUCKING LOVE SONIC BLAST!!!!! you could genuinely not pay me any amount of money to ever play that game again. You could however give me a coooool freaking Sonic factoid in exchange for my service on the front lines of Sonic Blast) also possibly the Wonderswan). Depending on how much my neurons activate by the time I'm completely done with my planned modding, I may dive deeper into some more complex stuff, not really sure what exactly I would want to do that's more complex but like, I'm sure there's something I'd find interesting, it's a super deep area there's gotta be some freak shit in there.

BUT that's for later, for now, I am far too absorbed in looking at all the existing custom themes available for download that I can add to MY personal Sony Playstation Portable, there's so many good ones. If it's not super difficult I may also attempt making one myself too, I love making custom UI's and stuff for things I use I love custom Zeedmillenniummon mouse cursor.

So far these are some of my favourites, obviously there's the Umineko one earlier and I just realized I accidentally typed "favourites" instead of "favorites" British typo I'm not fixing it it's funny but there's a lot of outher good ones chew:

I have still not watched anything beyond the first episode of Monogatari and considering how long it is and since it's still getting new parts, if I ever do it will likely not be soon. But I like the way the show looks! And I think a lot of the character designs are nice so like even though it would make me a fake fan, I'd maybe include this one in the routation.

I have also not watched the Clannad anime, and by extension After Story, so this would also go into the Fake Fan category, but I did read a bit of the common route of the VN a long time ago, didn't get anywhere near the end though so still a fake fan. But I just really like the way this one looks, I think the yellow silhouette over the pink clouds in the background looks really nice, the plain font text in the center does kinda take away a bit of the charm, but it's not too bad.

No I will not download the Elfen Lied one, moving on.

Ah yes, my Microusoft Xbox 360 Portable... This one's just a fun meme but like, it's kinda funny, and the UI is like actually different and kinda creative so like, not bad for a lying, cheating, faker console.

I FUCKING LOVE MEGA MAN ZERO!!!! there's a really small image limit on Tumblr posts so I'm not adding this one I just wanted to shill Mega Man Zero.

I will however add the Chris Paul theme. I know nothing about sports. I know nothing about Chris Paul. But judging him entirely off this PSP theme, I think he seems like a very polite gentleman, and yes I think I do wish for him to be constantly staring at me as I load my pirated games on my Sony Playstation Plokable.

There's a lot of like, just genuinely good looking ones I'm skipping past that I don't have anything to say about, I hid the website link the Umineko Beatrice picture earlier I don't need to write a 12 page essay about all of them

I could write a 13 page essay on this one however, just look at that beautiful stare. My lovely ex-husband Sanji Weedsmoke on his iconic 77 billion dead poster. Shrimply magnificent.

This is just the Among Us drip picture like, the fucking angle I can't keep looking at it all I see is fucking shoes, fucking Among Drip Shoes.

SONIC! GREEN SONIC!!! why is one of them green sonic, I don't think that's his normal colour I think they did something to my favorite little blue guy. And of course it's the fucking 06 renders, I mean they're fine enough renders on their own but like, they look so out of place, and the basic green background. I'm sorry, I'm being so mean but like, it looks so shit I'M SORRY OKAY!!!!

That's all of the noteworthy ones none of the other ones are interesting/funny enough to comment on, I will report back in approximately 800 system hours to report on how cool and epic the Umineko theme is. Thank you and goodbye.

SHUT THE FUCK UP SLITHER WING AND FLUTTER MANE PLUSHIES GOT ANNOUNCED RIGHT BEFORE I WROTE THIS and also chien pao and whatever the jigglypuff paradox form is called idk i only care about the robots and flutter mane. This was almost a coherent post, with a decent narrative throughline. Almost. But I just had to fuck it all up at the end. This is intentional you know? This is the bit. The joke. The joke is that I'm crazy and there are rats in my brain and they won't let me talk about the PSP like a normal person without also talking about my love of Flutter Mane.

[ruemxu]

HI sorry to not ask a silly question via here but i coukdnt find a non business email so sorry!!!recently got back into the newsprints world after i reread it for ghe first time since 6th grade a few days ago(i am now a junior☹️ and decided to purchase headlines but noticed that the quality on all the pages except for the first and last one isnt the best;;which sucked while trying to see the little notes and text next to concept art,,was wondering if there was any other way to view headlines in better quality??ive tried exporting it to google drive and files to no avail im so sorry to bother😭 but if not totally ok i understand!! i get that 1:1 fan issue stuff shoildnt be discussed on your Tumblr Page so if i have to be redirected to someone else my dms r open!!if youre not comfortable with that i completely get it either way thank you for making one of the defining books of my preteen years!!!!!<33

Hi there! I'm glad you like the NewsPrints series enough to support the little indie artbook I self-published over half a decade ago! I super appreciate it!

I don't think it's a silly question! This is actually kind of a semi-interesting story in book production, if you're interested in the backstory...

HeadLines was originally a limited print run (only 100 were sold), so it was easier to see the notes and art as spreads in a book you could flip through. After they sold out, I was asked to release it in digital, so I did. It sounds like the font size relative to the images is annoying in digital, though, which is a fair critique!

Unfortunately, 2015-16!Ru decided to use That font in That font size because it Looked Nice in print. I didn't even considered digital at the point, so this book is kind of a time capsule of my aesthetic decisions at that point of my life, the good ones and bad ones. x'D

(That reminds me, I remember the physical edition was $30 and personally signed and sealed. I'd be curious to see if any popped up on ebay over the years.)

The digital version is at screen resolution rather than print resolution to prevent someone from printing bootleg copies at the same quality as the official physical book after buying the PDF for $9. The best view size is around 100% in any PDF viewer, ideally on tablet or desktop. You might still have to zoom in a little to read it, though.

Sorry, let's keep the blame on past!Ru. I'm a new person. :'DDD

(The reason that the covers look like they're 2x higher in resolution is that they're actually twice as wide as the interior pages. The covers are 2-page spreads, but I didn't split them like I did the interiors. When the PDF viewer shrinks them to half their size to fit the PDF viewer's format, it does make the resolution seem twice as high, if that makes sense.

I should have probably also halved them so they looked like the interior spreads. You live and learn!)

TLDR: Sorry. The text-image layouts of the book were intentional for print reading, but they require some zooming in and out in digital resolution, but not too much past 100%.

Thank you again for the words of encouragement! I'm glad that Blue's world stuck with you for so long! Looking back at this project does evoke some ~Feelings~ and memories of growing pains. Next time I make another proper artbook like HeadLines, I'll use bigger fonts and/or get someone else to help me do the layouts!

[slowdripsunrise]

MORE READING UPDATES OMLLLLLLL i forgor about this blog again. it will happen again tbh but i still have to go through all of the books i finished in late 2023 up to now... i'm gonna try and get as many as i can done but probably wont get all of them lol. probably very long post/rant + spoilers for various books under the cut

keep in mind i have shit memory and all of these books were finished a while ago so be warned for bad analysis and summaries

-How High We Go in the Dark by Sequoia Nagamatsu: this book was a collection of short stories that are interconnected through characters and a central storyline - a plague. i thought the concept was super interesting and i had heard really good things about it from people i share a reading taste with so i went into this expecting to be blown away and i just. wasnt. i LOVED some of the short stories and there were a few that made me cry, mainly snortorious and the robot dog story where the mom died, but other than that it was kinda a let down. the ending fucking sucked ngl. like i thought we were leading up to some profound moment, especially calling back to the chapter where people are relieving their memories in the dark, because i thought that was really compelling and interesting, but it was just fucking aliens. like it reallly feels like a cop out to me. like a whole "and it was all just a dream" type ending. im not gonna rate it actually yes i am i'd give it like 2.5-3 stars. only because some of the chapters were super hard hitting but other than that. meh.

-The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater: WHOOOOO BOY. i ate this shit up. god if i had read this in middle school or high school i am 100% certain it would have become my entire personality. like i fucking get it. i totally fucking get it. i'm treating the whole series as one book rn bc they all kinda blend together in my mind and its been a while but just. the fucking vibes. good lord the vibes were so good. can't pick out any 100% certain things i particularly noticed but i will reblog every webweave about this series there is trust. rating the entire series as 5 stars mostly because i listened to the audiobook and they did SUCH A GOOD JOB ON TH E AUDIOBOOK OML like. at first i was kinda thrown off bc i wasn't expecting it to be so. southern? but once i finished the first one i knew there was no way i could just go back to reading it with a physical book like audiobook all the way the narrator was so awesome and i love the southernness of it.

-What Moves the Dead by T. Kingfisher: my first t. kingfisher book! i loved the vibes, the world, the whole new set of pronouns, that shit was so fun, overall a nice short and sweet creepy ass fucking book. like im a huge wimp so i was deffo nervous and freaked out at some points, especially with the rabbits lol idk why but those were unnerving. the author did a really good job of conveying the mc's anxiety and fear while also adding in some humor and soldier rationality and stoicism. lol. cute i liked it 3.5/4 stars.

-Fault Lines by Emily Itami: tbh mostly picked this one up for the cover and it was really just a standard cheating story where the mc gets back together with her original husband because of their kids. nothing i remember to be groundbreaking at all really. 2.5 stars

-Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez: I really wasn't expecting to like this book as much as I did. the pov changes i think were very well done and intentional and weren't confusing at all! the narrators for the audiobook were wonderful and really brought life to the story, a lovely book.

-She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan: honestly, looking back on it, i was never really captivated by this story. it took me a long time to get into it, and i really never connected with any of the characters. a lot of it was more confusing than not, and i'm honestly not sure if i feel the need to continue the series. may be a case of me not being in the right mood for it, but i don't see myself trying it again. kinda sad cuz i was excited to love this but oh well. win some lose some.

-Cloud Cuckoo Land by Anthony Doerr: hands down my fav book of 2023 and one of my fav books of all time. like i have a feeling this review is going to be either very long or very short because there is no way i will be able to write out all the ways i love this book. the owl motif. the environmental extremism from seymore that i can 100% relate to. the way that he fell down that path in a way that felt realistic to me, based on his circumstances, and it isn't implied in my opinion, that all autistic people are like this, that all autistic people can take things to the extreme like seymore did. the audiobook was wonderful. the interconnected stories over time i think is one of my new favorite tropes/plots/metas. if done well (cough how high we go in the dark) it gets me every single time. XENO and everything about him. i was listening to the audiobook at work and during his death i had to fight back tears lol. god. and the kids in the play and how they wanted to end the story.... fuck my life. and konstance and her curiosity and oh my god everything about this book messed me up. 5/5 i think thats all i'll be able to say before i combust.

-Chlorine by Jade Song: what a weird little book. really liked it. audiobook slayed. not much else to say. recommend for weird lesbians. 3.5/4 stars.

-A Dowry of Blood by S. T. Gibson: THE AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR IS SO FUCKING GOOD AT HER JOB I COULD LISTEN TO HER TALK ALL DAY I THINK IM IN LOVE WITH HER. the story was really good love a good vampire story love a good creepy story. fun time. listened to the audiobook in like an hour hour and a half car ride it was a good time. 3.5 stars.

and that ends off all of the books i read in 2023 !!!!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!! i'll stop here and make a separate post for the books i've read so far in 2024 just for organizational purposes and also because i am hungry and need to stop lol. if you made it this far through the post i love you and also sorry for the long rant but also too bad because this is my blog and you clicked on it. happy reading :)

[ladyaj-13]

Welcome to my October/November 2022 combined fic rec list! (Because October kind of ran away from me at the end there.) This list features Ziam, Nouis, Louis/Harry/Niall, Louis/Bressie, Stylinshaw, Louis/Rob Pattinson, Louis/Sebastian Stan (it’s the Louis Rare Pair Fic Fest!), and Larry. 

As always, please let me know if I’ve missed any tumblr people tags - if they’re not linked at the end of the AO3 page I tend to miss them.

Ziam

the hidden love burns - we_are_the_same - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed - E, 6k - canon, mutual pining, dirty talk. This was very hot and also I loved how they handled the situation? That might be a weird comment for a fic like this but it’s an awkward position to be in, and I really appreciated how the characters communicated and dealt with things. 

Nouis

Five Times Niall Wanted To Kiss Louis (And One Time He Did) - becka - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] - G, 635 - canon, drabble sequence, pining. Short but incredibly sweet, the boys sort themselves out over nine years.

Uncharted Territory - Lalalaartje - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] - E, 3k - canon, fluff and smut. Okay, wow. So this author wrote this as a prequel to one of my fics, and I’m incredibly glad I managed to inspire them because now we all have this to enjoy. It’s five times the length and perfect and you should all go read it right now!

leave my heart open - temerity (forsanethaec) - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] - E, 29k - canon. To be honest, I forgot to make notes for this one, read it almost two months ago and have a terrible memory. But it’s a long, plotty, canon Nouis fic with angst and pining, you know I’m reccing it for a reason.

Niall/Louis/Harry

we'll be alright - bravestyles - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] - NR, 31k - desert island fic, canon, emotional hurt/comfort. Oh, the feels in this fic. I literally cried. It’s so, so good.

Louis/Niall Breslin

Good Boys Do Bad Things - YesIsAWorld - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @louandhazaf - E, 8k - size difference, AU, famous/not famous. 5’9’’ (disputed) and 6’6’’... and a super well written fic with some lovely details. I think this is my first Louis/Bressie, too!

Stylinshaw

I Can Go With The Flow - lululawrence - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @lululawrence - NR, 5k - AU, outsider perspective, fluff and humour. This is so cute guys! I’m always here for Stylinshaw and loved having Gemma’s perspective on it :)

Louis/Robert Pattinson

Next Door - allwaswell16 - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @allwaswell16 - NR, 2k - canon, meet-cute, absolutely top-notch Louis&Oli friendship. I loved this. Cute and funny and I just want more of this world. More Chiquita dancing. More pet co-ownership. More passive aggressive tea making. 

Louis/Sebastian Stan

over my shoulder - nouies - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @nouies - E, 11k - omegaverse, famous/famous, fake relationship. I was so excited when I saw this, I have a soft spot for SebStan, and it didn’t disappoint. And the artwork/gifs! Incredible. So realistic.

Larry

Close Enough to Touch - YesIsAWorld - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @louandhazaf - M, 11k - canon adjacent, famous/non-famous, masseuse on tour. This is so well written, such a sensitive portrayal of the characters, sweet and sexy and wonderful.

I Know How To Whisk (But Teach Me Anyway) - 2tiedships2 - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own] @2tiedships2 - M, 32k - omegaverse, baking, strangers to lovers. You know you’re in safe hands with this author. This was cute and lovely, and left me rooting through the freezer for the banana bread I had stashed in there so I could dive even deeper into the story!

[2knightt]

so, it all starts with the world. in this world, there are people with and without powers. it’s any sort of powers, really, and it’s sort of super-hero-y. people with powers are much less vulnerable than those without, so those without end up relying on people with powers. because of this, it creates an unintentional hierarchy. now, in this hierarchy, there are some powerless people who wish to have some sort of power, and this results in them doing heinous crimes, such as kidnapping a small child.

now, the small child is the main oc, and she was taken away by scientists. these scientists promised to her parents that they’d make her healthy, since she had a few physical issues. this small child was literally five years old when it all happened. so, these scientists decided to use this vulnerable child as their test subject, resulting in her becoming an experiment. throughout her life in the laboratory, she would have various serums injected in her to give her “strength”. because of these injections, her appearance had changed and she no longer looked human. she ended up gaining powers where she could bend shadows and even fade into them. and, the kicker, is that her physical problems were never improved—rather, they were worsened. the strength of the serums caused her so much pain, that every time she uses her power, she has a phantom feeling that her body is being ripped apart.

at this point, she’s been in the compound for so long that she’s forgotten what trees actually look like and the memory of her mother reading her bedtime stories is something she’s completely lost. she decides that, no matter what, she will find a way to escape this compound. she didn’t want to die there, she knew she would have if she didn’t find her way out. she saw what they did to some of her friends. those friends never even got funerals, they were just tossed into some large body of water. so, she makes a plan on her own and successfully sneaks out.

after a few weeks of living on the streets of the nearest city she could run to, a kind-seeming man takes her in. this man sends her to school to give her an education, teaches her how to live a proper life, etc. though, after about two years of living under his guidance, he mysteriously passes away. in her grief, she starts going to the park every day, since it was a place this man used to always go to feed the ducks, and throws breadcrumbs in the water. one day, she ends up meeting my best friend’s oc, and they traumabond!!! hooray!!!!!

the friend’s backstory is that she has a power where she can reverse time, but it can be no more than one hour ago, and the downside is that she starts experiencing short-term memory loss if she goes back too many times, and also that if she has a wound, each time she goes back, her wound gets much worse. like, a paper cut would become a wound that might have her lose her finger. and, this one day, the school she was at (it was separate from my oc’s school) was attacked by someone with powers, someone bad, and that oc’s best friend ended up passing in this attack. the oc kept trying to rewind over and over again, but she just kept seeing her best friend’s death. no matter what she did, she couldn’t prevent their death. and, at some point, her head was slammed against the wall, so every time she rewinded, the bruise that would’ve been on her head ended up being a concussion. HUZZAH!!!

anyways, we made these ocs two years ago, so it’s like super edgy and shit but we’re emotionally attached so we refuse to let go of them and stop working on them.

OH EM GEEEEE I LOVE THEM??-!2!!/!-&-&/

i love the back stories too ofmfg theyre so cool im obsessed AND I LLVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCHUGH

[caitlin666]

The issues I have with Uglies by Scott Westerfeld especially to do with the books ideals of beauty

I have a really weird love-hate relationship with this series. I love the characters and worldbuilding, but some of the themes are really icky.

I had a love-hate relationship with these books in school. I loved the world building and characters and sci-fi stuff like hoverboards. But in the books a young teen who is an “ugly” (or normal looking person in our society) becomes a “pretty” or perfect looking person through a complex surgery, and preteen and young teen me was so insecure and so scared that I would never be pretty because I wouldn’t get the surgery.

I thought the beauty standards were never explicitly revealed or defined in the books but I re read quotes and plot summaries, as apparently a pretty needs to be

-skinny but not chubby just “healthy curvy”

-symmetrical face

-dimples

-big eyes

-small nose

-big lips

-no pimples or blemishes

-long hair if you’re a girl

-muscles and abs if you’re a guy

-“not too short but not too tall”

-“not too pale but not too dark” (which lowkey has racist undertones)

For reference, swimsuit models in our time (their past) would be considered ugly and A list top tier celebrities would be considered “almost pretty.”

Apparently “natural pretties” do exist who do not need the surgery, but are EXTREMELY rare, apparently like a 1 in a million chance if that. Maybe even 1 in 10 million.

Some fans headcanon supermodel Taylor Hill as a natural pretty.

Literally every character aside from a select few who are “rebels” get the surgery and I thought there was something deeply wrong with me (even though I initially I wasn’t even a teen yet I was 12) and that insecurity carried into early high school honestly. I feel like Mean Girls (a movie filmed in 2004) has a similar premise but a way better execution because Cady realises being a plastic (or popular pretty girl) is bad and wrong. It isn’t glamorized in anyway like being a “pretty” in the uglies series is.

The “uglies” and most students at Mean Girls high school are seen as inferior to the “pretties” or plastics but ultimately it plays out differently and with mean girls the story actually makes sense. It NEVER made me insecure because funnily enough the plot was super secure and had a strong message. Uglies didn’t. You could even compare a character in Uglies; Shay to Janis in Mean Girls in that they are dark haired tomboys and they want nothing to do with beauty or popularity and are rebels, however Shay ultimately conforms and becomes a pretty and Janis never conforms

MOST books I read as a preteen and young teen were pretty innocent stuff like vampires and mermaids and fairies and princesses along with mindless chick lit about high school drama that wasnt anything serious and overall fun. But yeah unfortunately I did read this series lol. Even divergent and hunger games which I read were also sci-fi but it wasn’t glamorised in anyway.

One person commented in an uglies book review video how back in high school, popular girls started calling anyone who wasn’t popular an ugly shortly after the books came out.

What’s crazier is that I forgot about these books for YEARS since like 16 (I am 20 now) when I FINALLY started to feel comfortable in my own skin (funnily enough the same age when characters also become pretty), but only recently like a week ago I remembered them and all the weird memories started flooding back.

I was so scared a guy wouldn’t ever find me attractive because I didn’t fit into that hyper specific mold and looking back that is SO fucked up like what the actual fuck. I would sometimes spend hours examining my face thinking that there was something deeply wrong with me and super upset I couldn’t get a surgery to become perfectly beautiful.

When someone becomes a pretty, aside from having the surgery to look beautiful, pretties become brainwashed to be airheaded and not have critical thinking skills. But aside from that, they can party and shop and have no boundaries or limits. There’s no overall drawbacks to being a pretty and that’s why it feels glamourized. Pretties aren’t even mean aside from judging “ugly” people (who are normal looking) and that’s only because they have been brainwashed to act that way.

I’m also going to compare this book to two kids movies. The first being Shrek. Fiona is a gorgeous princess who has a curse on her to become an unattractive ogre at night. Fiona learns to love all aspects and facets on herself and decides to fully become an ogre and embrace herself and learns beauty comes from within. Tally the main character of Uglies, starts off being “ugly” then becomes “pretty” and then becomes “special” an intimidating looking pretty who’s a crime fighter. The series ends with her not being brainwashed anymore but her still looking like a special. A better ending would be for her to stop looking pretty or special and becoming her “ugly” self again but embracing it and learning beauty comes from within and she doesn’t have to be pretty or ugly, she can just be the best version of herself.

Another movie is Ugly Dolls. In the movie, dolls are separated into two towns, Ugly Town and Perfectville. Six ugly dolls want to become perfect, so they travel to perfectville and try to complete a series of challenges, struggling along the way. Ugly dolls never go into stores but pretty dolls are. The leader of perfectville is scared that ugly dolls won’t ever sell. However, the ugly dolls defeat the leader and get into stores, and the kids love them. The two towns merge into imperfectville, and extreme beauty standards don’t exist anymore.

Also I’m going to mention that the third uglies book called Specials is kinda glamorizing cutting (self harm) and even had a gang called The Cutters. I blocked most of that out of my head so I can’t recall much.

Various “pretty” characters also starve themselves to make themselves seem “bubbly” which was pretty slang for “cool.” That was also messed up.

It’s sad though because I loved the hoverboards and the other tech in the books but unfortunately it got overshadowed by the messed up beauty messages. Apparently Netflix is making a movie with Joey King as Tally but I don’t know whether it will be good or not.

Lemme know your thoughts below!

[fu-hime-joshi]

Killing Stalking

Yes. I finally picked this series up. Well, I say that but I think I read this years ago and just blocked it out of my memory because I was absolutely not in the right place to have read it.

But.

Hear me out. This was such a good series.

The emotional rollercoaster it puts you on is insane. Koogi is such an excellent author, I cannot believe I was able to grow to sympathize with Sangwoo's character.

We meet an older man named Yoon Bum, who's awkward, gloomy, and strangely obsessed with our male lead, Sangwoo. We see Bum has managed to sneak his way into Sangwoo's home but discovers a really fucked up secret.

Spoilers below, but honestly like. I can't imagine any of you reading this review either a) don't know the gist of the story or b) haven't read it.

It was super weird, I actually didn't feel bad for Bum at all when he got caught in Sangwoo's basement. Tbh, the fact he even went down there is beyond me LMAO. I never once thought, Well, that's what you get for snooping, though. It just seemed... frankly? unlucky ¯＼_( ´ ▽ ` ) _/¯ I mean, really. what are the chances the guy you've been whacking it to is a serial killer?

Bum openly admits that he stopped loving Sangwoo after finding out abt how fucked up he is. And girl, same. But he ends up with severe Stockholm Syndrome by the end of the series. I feel like, as a reader, I also did??? I know how fucked their relationship was but I desperately wanted it to work out somehow in the end (╥ ▽ ╥)

It could be knowing that both of them had horrible childhoods, which gave me a soft spot for their mutual suffering. Which is one thing I want to note, that Sangwoo was clearly being tortured by Bum's presence. (Even if Bum was tortured infinitely more)

The one thing that is sticking with me the most, was Koogi's choice to have them die separately, and alone. Absolutely cruel!! Sangwoo being murdered by an old granny really serves him right tho. That was cathartic. And she did so in a way that wasn't even outright malicious... very interesting.

Bum's death was the thing that made me ill, though. It was quiet. Not that his actual death was quiet, but metaphorically speaking? compared to the rest of the series? Quiet. Like it happened in passing. As if that's all his life would amount to - was dying alone. We don't even get to actually see him die, which... just... you realize the world declared he had no value at all.

But, honestly? Despite Sangwoo's poor upbringing like. Ok, it's 100% believable a male would grow up to be as violent as he was lol. I understand why a gl version of K/S wouldn't work - it's bc girls and women are abused in horrible ways aaaall the time and rarely turn out to be mass murderers.

Anyways, enough of that rant. This is fiction, after all and that's why it was enjoyable!

I absolutely do not recommend reading this if you're in the process of recovering from parental or relationship abuse. This series is goddamn heavy. I was crying on and off about it for 4hrs after finishing.

No, I even lost sleep because I didn't finish it before bed, and kept dreaming and waking up over how they die. It was because I knew from the beginning they would die. There was no happy ending for them, I just knew. Which is so fucking bitter. There's no sweetness to this story at all.

This review is already long, but the author's notes at the end of the series is really what did me in. She says that Sangwoo is heterosexual but... can a straight man really have sex with another man? And her answer to, "Does Sangwoo love Bum?": Read the last chapter.

Like. Fuck!!

My belief, as well as the general consensus, is that Sangwoo absolutely loved Bum. Which is why it fucking hurts so much. Because the dude is goddamn crazy.

Ok I'm gonna stop here, I have so much more to say but I've already been rambling.

Hoping to purchase this series at some point though, it was that impactful.

[beckerella-in-wonderland]

It Started Before My First Heartbeat

My firts entry in here was "When Did My Testimony Start?" along time ago. Time isn't something my brain grasps mucn anymore so, for right now, it feels like "a long time ago" that I processed this question. I read it again today and I know my answer. I didn't come back to update this post - but the answer is the reason I'm back here to write some more. I need to unpack these thoughts. There are too many in my head - spinning constantly - I need to get them out and not everyone is interested at hearing them, or if they are interested - it seems they never understand the weight of the words I'm saying.

The Answer:

It started before I was born. While the mother who grew me in her stomache, who was responsible for giving me a whomb that was safe to start to develop, was planning on giving me away to someone else. She spent time thinking who would allow her to have a connection with me still, be a mom still, but would do the nurturing, providing, raising, and the caring for me...

It wasn't until a few years ago I discovered all the smaller details. The ones that don't make for a good bedtime story. That I was 12 days old when my biolgoical maternal aunt left with me in her arms and I wouldn't speak to my bio mother again until I was a young child - I wouldn't see her again until I was 18 years old. That I was supposed to know and have a connection beyond pen pals with my bio mother from the day 13 and instead this was not the case - I was told about her when I was between 5 and 7 years old (memory is super foggy). I wrote her letters (no emails back then), called her once a month-ish (long distance was expensive), but consistency of those correspondences - that is a different wound for another day's purge. I also learned that my maternal aunt and my bio mom didn't really know each other before this - lived together for a few months combined in their lifespan. I pieced together that my uncle was not with my aunt when she picked me up because of bad blood between my maternal grandmother and him - if he came with my aunt, they feared my bio mom would back out of the agreement - this is the same fear that caused them to not allow me to visit half a country away.

So back to the womb we go - its in there that I grew in a whomb that was filled with all the scientific features along with emotions from a soon to be birth giver who felt fear from my bio father, felt unworthy to be a parent, scared to trust anyone with her child, but even more scared to be a single mother.

Reflecting on the facts - allows me to distance myself from the pain (my therapist said so). What feelings do I have about this?

Anger - Frustration - Hurt - Abandonment - Faulty - Sadness - Dispair

At who? My bio mother planned giving me up before birthing me - no matter the thoughts or intentions - that fucking hurts. My aunt couldn't find a way to provide me with the connection I needed while keeping me safe - she was so scared of losing me, that she didn't even try.

Why haven't I expressed these emotions earlier? How could I do that and risk hurting two women who were so hurt already. They found their happiness in me - how I was doing. So I could I say what I wanted with no self-awareness of what I was missing to know it was gone. That hole was a pin point that grew throug my life until its the size of my chest.