#also man the survivors guilt is very real

[hieronymous-bitch]

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[lucabyte]

Finally: The NoHats AU doodles. Plus some sprite edits.

Usually I'd let things speak for themselves and keep my chattering in the tags, but I'll ramble about my context thoughts...

So. First of all here's a link (x) to the Nohats Origin Post for those coming in and going ????.

Anyway. These doodles are not in any obvious chronological order, though Loop going from pilfered bandolier (my headcanon for how Siffrin has all those pockets) -> custom outfit made by Isabeau, is supposed to generally denote 'just after the ending' -> 'a few months down the line'.

And speaking of, Design & Characterisation notes:

Overall: NoHats is suppooooosed to have the range to not just be ULTIMATE MISERY ALL THE TIME (but if you're a major whump/angst fan. go fucking nuts.) so these are supposed to be. The steps toward overcoming and living with grief but. The Misery Is Kind Of The Punchiest Part.... Oops....

Mirabelle: Taking the lead, continuing to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. In the game proper she's already shown to, while yes, be emotionally fragile at times, be prone to trying to hold the team together. I feel she'd do the same here. It also would help that she'd presumably be medicated again? But I can't imagine her chosen-one anxieities would be super ailed by the death of her friend. I wanted to try and give her more differences? She follows the change belief after all and is thus liable to switch up her style in general... But I didn't have a strong vision for this, so. The ball is in anyone's court. Her design changes here are keeping one of Sif's safety pins a la qpr bonding earring, and has the bell pendant at Loop's (oddly pushy) suggestion.

Isabeau: Taking it. Badly. Depression mullet and beard in tow. However, you best believe he is trying real badly to hide it. Loop very much does not reveal their identity to him because What The Fuck Would That Even Do. That's Scary. but they do try to comfort him while mentally regarding him "off limits". Backs themselves into some very unfortunate corners by alluding to their unfulfilled relationship with their Fighter as a point of common ground. I don't imagine this would go super great when recontextualised later after Loop is inevitably found out. Just in general oh good god what the fuck. this is like a radioactive pit of survivor's guilt.

Bonnie: Taking it probably The Worst. This is a child. Who was already feeling guilt. This is who everyone else is trying to keep it together for. Mirabelle and Isabeau would likely be putting up far less of a front without Bonnie around. They take the hat and take on Pocket Duty. They also have slightly more sif-y hairstyle but... Don't worry about it. They'd have Nille to fall back on once she's picked back up, and Loop almost certainly attempts to redouble efforts on making them feel better but seeing as how closed-off Bonnie can already be, it'd likely be difficult. However they would probably take Loop's identity reveal best...?

Odile: Odile's design.... ! Does not seem to have changed? How odd! Well. I'm sure she's dealing with things in a regular and non-cloistered manner. I already think that a regular Postcanon Activity for Odile could be her finding out about the potential for sif/loop to translate books and thus Knowledge in their native tongue assuming that ability sticks around postgame. Something something culture can never truly be wiped out etc etc. But putting it in this context. Makes it more desperate, more of a deflection for something else.

Loop: Helpful Loop. Well. They win! I feel like the entirety of ISAT being about Siffrin's mental state means I don't need to spill much ink here? You get it I think. I can't outdo the source material man. Anyway I imagine Loop is given clothes by Isabeau before they know who they are, but after they've become genuine friends. The outfit is in genuineness, on both sides from Loop and Isa, in having the cloak be a nod in respect to Siffrin, since Loop's "shared culture" would have to come up vis a vis cultural funerary traditions. Hard to avoid divulging that one...

[mercy-misrule]

mouthwashing spoilers, discussion of fictional sexual assault, fictional abuse of a disabled person, references to real life injury

This is a weird rambling thing, informed by my own experiences. I am a sexual assault survivor, but I am also a survivor of life threatening accident that left me entirely physically dependent on medical staff with a long recovery time. I am aware that this is not a pov a lot of people have, and it means I'm thinking about things a little differently.

If you haven't experienced the healing process from a life threatening injury, its hard to explain. But here are some thoughts.

So one of the things that I think is interesting about the fandom reaction to Curly is an odd thing I've seen. A fanwork thing where people write Curly as a victim of sexual assault by Jimmy where the result is that Curly is a more sympathetic victim, a 'real victim'.

This isn't all fiction exploring this, and this isn't stated in their texts, nevertheless, it's impossible to read otherwise.

And I get it, I get why people are exploring that as an option, as a concept. Maybe its revenge, maybe its more relatable, maybe it's simply because that's a fictional concept that they want to write. And that's a creator's prerogative. This isn't me criticising what people want to explore.

What bewilders me is that it makes me feel like people missed the hugely sexual implications of Jimmy's assault and continued violation of Curly's bodily autonomy. It's like, folks are you reading this right?

So Mouthwashing has textual sexual assault, it's right there, Anya is the victim of Jimmy's violence. He attempts to take away her life by crashing the ship, he attempts to remove any choice she has in what happens to her body after she reveals she is pregnant.

He does not care about her, it is pointed what a non-person she is in his eyes. He only cares about his reputation, his control over the situation, what people say about him. His job, his prospects, all of which are dependent on Curly.

And Mouthwashing has textual violation of a disabled person's bodily autonomy. Jimmy hurts Curly when forcing him to take his meds, beating him at one point, where in the end Curly is weeping.

A man who wants nothing but control, couldn't control Anya or Swansea or Daisuke despite his best(worst) efforts, but he has absolute control over everything with Curly. Curly is moved without his consent, touched without his consent, treated like an object, like food, tortured, and finally 'saved'...without his consent.

Without a voice other than cries of pain, or hissing laughter, Jimmy has the control he needs.

And look how his attitude changes towards Curly the more control he has over his body. When Anya is still around, he's swearing at him, beating him into needless submission. As the game progresses, Jimmy starts to hold Curly up as this object of salvation, as this vessel through which all of Jimmy's faults and guilt are washed away.

This focus, this obsession, the alternating between berating and violence and idolisation is subtextual in its sexuality. But it's there. Even when you move past the obvious mirror of violence of Jimmy standing over a helpless Curly in bed, hurting him, putting his hands on him.

We already know that Jimmy assaulted Anya while in her bed, she tells Curly this implicitly when she asks about the lack of locks on bedrooms.

What I find interesting about this all is that we do not see the violence Jimmy inflicted on Anya. We see the aftermath, we hear his words, and we see her reactions, but we do not see the act.

And its a very good and frank piece of storytelling, about the mundane horror of day-to-day life living with your abuser. We don't need to see the instigating act, the central piece of violence, because we are seeing everything else.

Whereas, this game is all about witnessing exactly the violence Jimmy inflicts on Curly, and contrasting it with the absolute indifference he has for Anya, his other victim. He fixates on Curly, he's got nothing in his head but Curly, and any other thought that tries to creep in, we watch turn into nightmares that he's desperate to run away from.

It's almost like watching Curly be brutalised is a stand in for the brutality that Anya experiences. Not as a revenge or anything, but as a story beat reminding you that this is happening, has happened, will happen again. Jimmy will always be hurting someone.

But what I think is fascinating is that there is this (I am not talking about shipping. This is not meta about shipping) almost romantic displacement of affection from Jimmy to Curly, shocking in its intensity to the same level of his disdain and apathy towards Anya.

It's a mirror of how Jimmy feels about himself. He views Anya as a failure, not competent, and that's how he is in reality. He puts all his failings on her, he lashes out at her, blames her for Curly's suffering, for his potential punishment.

He praises and berates Curly because he wants to be what Curly was. A respected captain, a person that people are happy to be around. But he berates Curly because Curly isn't what he views as his ideal self. Curly doesn't throw his weight around like Jimmy wants to, Curly is passive and a people pleaser. Jimmy doesn't respect him, even as he wants to be him. He doesn't respect Curly because of the the way Curly gives into him, supports him.

There are so many moments of desperate horror in this story but I keep being drawn back into the unending nightmare of Curly being dependant on people disintegrating around him

Anya withholds treatment, not maliciously, but she does, because it's too triggering for her. And then Jimmy steps in and it's always bad, even when he's not trying to make it so.

Curly lays there and sees the ramifications of his inaction, his cowardice and then is revictimised over and over, humiliated over and over.

The best chance of care he's got is a woman he fundamentally failed, harmed in unbelievable ways and is now being terrorised by the man who hurts them both and she keeps asking Jimmy to hurt him.

And he has to sit there as she does, as she eats the only things that are making his existence survivable, and he's responsible for it! He gets to watch the consequences of his inaction, he gets to lay there and watch a woman die and he doesn't get to do anything else except exist until Jimmy appears again , which is worst of all.

You don't get to pick your carers, at some point. Sometimes it's people you feel a burden too, or people you've hurt, in a hundred different ways. And sometimes it's people who've hurt you and still tell you how much you mean to them, how important you are to them, how much they love you. And they don't stop hurting you or other people and you. Cannot. Stop. Them.

[nthspecialll]

Arthur's journal passed down

Does anyone ever think about Jack getting Arthur's journal at some point after his father's passing. John was very tight on all his information about the gang, not wanting to talk about it and Abigail seemed to respect that, so the only real source he had was Uncle and shortly Charles and Sadie, but imagine him getting that book.

He would have lived most of his life with half a story that had as many gaps as it had answers, I mean he didn't even know Dutch was "bad," and suddenly he gets everything explained from the perspective of a man who saved him but was clouded in the mystery of his father's survivors guilt.

Not only would he get the full story but he would also get the stories of all the people who loved him, of all the people who used to be his family and who died before he got old enough to truely remember them.

I wonder if he read about Kieran, remembering faintly throwing rocks at him and feeling bad. If he remembers Micah who offered him a dollar to insult Arthur, only really hearing the name in passing, suddenly getting to know why everyone hated him. If he remembers aunt Karen who would sit around with him, and read in her father's handwriting and she most likely drank herself to death.

It must be a blessing and a curse at the same time.

[gnomewithalaptop]

I'm still too distracted to write so here have a list of YJ-cast centric fics that make me froth at the mouth

Kon-centric recs:

I Want It That Way (1990s Tim/Kon) by WynterSky / @wynterstars -- A revamped, 90s-style Superboy origin story with added Lex Luthor AND a lil bit of 90s Robin for spice and flavor. Honestly, this whole series is so elite -- goes hard with the Superboy mythos + angst PLUS the third fic leans hard into the secret identity shenanigans in a way that'd make Miraculous Ladybug jealous. The first fic splits its attention between Tim and Kon, but the latter two are solidly Kon-centric

one plus one (easy math) by connerdrakewayne / @comphetkoncass -- Cassandra Cain and Kon go to a gala together. I'm always a sucker for a good Cass + Kon friendship. This one's very short and sweet, and it gets the job done -- 10/10 would read again

a timeline can be a haunted house by connerdrakewayne -- post-universal reset Kon angst + terrible coping mechanisms! This one goes so hard I read it three times. Tbh this author has an excellent handle on Kon as a character in general, so I honestly recommend just checking out their whole fic stash

Tim-centric recs:

Top 10 Secret Identity Fails by @havendance -- Tim's new English teacher is his on-again-off-again superhero teamup Helena Bertinelli (aka the Huntress). This one's just fun, okay -- the whole thing reads like it could be straight out of Tim's 1993 solo run, plus I love the dynamic between him and Helena. Overall just a very cool vibe

only the dead stay 17 forever by Sky_Dust (couldn't find their tumblr sorry) -- Listen, I've really been restraining myself here, because I realize my love for time-travel bullshit is not universal, but I genuinely couldn't not include this one. This bad boy is a Tim-centric time-loop featuring a seriously unhinged Tim -- definitely a darker tone, but I can't stop rereading it

Bart-centric recs:

reflections on respawning: a gamer's uncertainty by merils / @mamawasatesttube -- Bart has a hard conversation about his death and subsequent resurrection (feat. Kon) man, I just vibe with this one so hard. It's such a thoughtful take on Bart's more contemplative side, while still managing to keep his personality intact

the backlash to the backlash to the thing that's just begun by @kermit-coded -- trans/gnc impulse my beloved <3 also we get some funky Max & Bart bonding, made much rawer and more real by the fact that it's the 90s and nobody knows what they're doing. Again, feels like it's straight out of Bart's solo series

Cassie-centric recs:

you and I, we are more than just this armor by @suzukiblu -- KonCassie bonding + gender feels. They're both so trans in this, and the author does a great job of really digging deep into their complicated feelings (both about gender and about each other)

(also PLEASE somebody give me more Cassie-centric fic recs I'm literally begging you)

Team recs

I'm all yours but you're all mine by suzukiblu -- Poly Core 4 Soulmates AU! Essentially, everybody gets their 'soulmark'/soulmate-identifier (not really, but the best word) right when Kon wakes up in his pod, and because Superboy hasn't really made his big splash yet, they misidentify their soulmate as Superman; this is an issue mainly because 1) they're all 14-15 and Superman is roughly 30-ish, and 2) by the time this fic takes place, Superman is pretty verifiably dead. Currently in-progress, but this is such an interesting and fun take on the usual soulmates trope. I pinky promise you won't regret reading it

Love, Not Loved series by @popsunner -- hoooomygod this series makes me cry literally every time I read it, it's genuinely one of the most realistic representations of grief I've seen on AO3. Basically explores the general fucked-up-edness of pretty much the whole YJ Core 4 Squad dying one by one, with each fic focusing on a different funeral (complete with survivor's guilt, regular guilt, and just plain old complicated feelings). We get Cassie feels, we get Tim feels, we get Bart + Kon feels -- it's the whole shebang. Don't worry -- there's a happy ending eventually, but you def gotta work for it. This series beat me up and stole my lunch money and I'd happily do it all over again

Lost the Last Piece of Me by InsaneTrollLogic / @last01standing -- YJ Core 4 Animorphs AU! I'm sad to say I've never read the original Animorphs series, but every single Animorphs AU I've ever read has been such high quality. Unsurprisingly (I love this author, okay), this fic is no exception to that rule. Solid alien-invasion plot, character driven, and the world-building is explained well enough that even a newbie like me can understand (feat. some TimKon, but it's not the main focus)

Ikonoclast by anantipodean (couldn't find a tumblr) -- Tim and Kon get sent to an alternate reality that's almost (but not quite) like their own. This one's just fun for me -- I love the TimBart buildup and the worldbuilding on the other Earth is a funky time. Also, the other universe's Tim is goth and absolutely cannot stand mainstream-reality Tim, and I find that extremely funny for some reason

[oharabunny]

imagine being miguel's live-in doll

Description: You're kind of a loser and horrible at taking care of yourself so much so that he takes it upon himself to be your one and only caretaker.

Word Count: 2271

Warning: yandere!Miguel, OOC!Miguel, coercion, fem!afab!Reader, pitiful!Reader, Author projecting their problems, not beta read

So let’s say your universe collapsed and you were the only one that Miguel managed to save.

Since you have no universe to return to, he allows you to stay in HQ and provides you with a modded dimensional watch to keep you from disintegrating.

You have your own room and access to the amenities in HQ like the cafeteria and the training center. 

Honestly you hit the jackpot because before your universe collapsed you were a loser who barely scraped by for your shitty apartment. You never graduated college, and you job hopped between minimum wage jobs.

The catch was that you are not allowed to leave the premises. Apparently the outside world is too dangerous and overwhelming for someone of your time. For a while, you didn’t seem to have an issue.

First couple months passed, and you loved having no responsibilities and being able to laze around, but you quickly found that to be very boring PLUS you had survivor’s guilt and wanted to be useful for Miguel, who saved you.

So you ask him for a job to do and he seems a little impressed. You are just an ordinary human so he gives you the job as his assistant that doesn't handle sensitive and complicated information. 

He may have regretted a little for assigning you a job because now he sees you as a clumsy oaf. It’s not like you couldn’t do your job properly, but you always somehow trip, fall, scrape, and bump into everything. Not a single day were you not mildly injured.

What sealed the deal one day was when an anomaly broke out in HQ and you were caught in the crossfire.

Basically, you are never going to have freedom ever again.

You are rushed to med bay and diagnostics concluded that your injuries are not life threatening, but for some reason he never left your side. Was it pity? It couldn’t be, because pity wouldn’t make him stay while you healed.

He basically wouldn’t let you discharge until every single cut on you was healed and sealed. 

When you are discharged, he tells you that you’re no longer sufficient for the job and will be promptly relocated to a safehouse aka his apartment. 

You almost fought him on the spot because you enjoyed your job and being able to socialize with the other Spider people. (Which you didn’t know had him seething)

Also, you would be a horrible roommate.

He didn’t give you much choice because it was either his apartment or be homeless.

You couldn’t risk being homeless in a futuristic society with nothing but the clothes on your back. 

He personally escorts you to his apartment and to no one’s surprise it was luxurious and spacious. However, it was plain and boring like his taste.

You have free range in his apartment since there was nothing particularly important stashed there. All of it would be at HQ anyway. He practically lives there.

While he did give you a salary when you had your job, but not enough to sustain yourself forever since he fired you. So, he lets you use his credit card to order groceries and whatever you want within reason. And yes he will be monitoring every purchase.

And of course, he also tells you you’re not allowed to leave the apartment. For any reason. Unless you have his explicit permission.

And if you ever do try to leave, the door has a very loud alarm when opened and he is immediately alerted. Even if you manage to get three steps out of the apartment building, he’ll haul your ass back. 

Or if you actually do make it into the streets, he has your location pinged in real time from your dimensional watch that he also made completely locked to your wrist (to your dismay cuz it’s so ugly and clashes with your outfits).

Man, you just wanted to go for a walk.

But he’ll just tell you to sit on the balcony that is completely sealed all around only allowing light in so don’t even bother trying to jump.

Anyways.

Since he won’t be coming by often, you can basically redecorate and redesign it to suit your preferences. If anything, he encourages it.

It was fun for a while, but having no structure in life caused you to spiral. As a certified loser with executive dysfunction, you ordered take out and instant food everyday, left trash to build up over time without taking it out, slept and woke up at random hours of the day, and showered once a week.

He definitely knows you are spiraling. He hid many many cameras all over his apartment before taking you here.

He comes by unannounced one day while you are sprawled on the couch, sleeping, with the TV running.

Yeah he cleans everything and takes out all your trash. He wakes you up. You’re startled. And he just tells you that you need to shower.

Man how embarrassing is that. You stank like butt.

You apologized profusely, but he doesn’t seem to care. He wasn’t mad but he definitely pitied you.

You go to the bathroom right away to take a shower and he follows you.

You’re like wtf get out.

He then exposes the fact he knows you’re a clumsy idiot who definitely slipped and hit your head multiple times before.

Still, you think he doesn’t need to watch you shower right? RIGHT???

Wrong, he is going to personally wash you head to toe.

Yeah you are definitely fighting his ass off because you two are not that close and also you’re not handicapped! But he keeps treating you like one.

You kept struggling and kicking him like a baby which did annoy the shit out of him so he bit you so his venom can paralyze you.

He strips you bare and tests the water temperature before setting you down on the shower bench. He is very thorough with you. He scrubbed every spot and yes even your private parts which made you think he was trying to cop a feel.

Oh boy when he starts to wash your hair, you literally melted. Why is this man giving you a full scalp massage???? 

He even dries you off, lotions your body, and gives you a full skincare routine. WHY DOES HE KNOW YOUR SKINCARE ROUTINE??? 

Yeah and he also dries your hair off and comb it too. He would style it if he wasn’t too tired that day.

Bruh, he even cuts and buffs your nails and toenails. Applying creams and massages them.

The paralysis seems to wear off around your head and neck area so you’re able to eat and drink. He cooks your favorite dish but he has you drink water as your beverage because you kept having soda so he thinks you should be barred from beverages that weren't water.

And since your body is still paralyzed, he hand feeds you. And for some reason when it comes to helping you drink some water, he spits it into your mouth like a mama bird. And if you weren’t going to open your mouth, he would kiss you.

Now you’re wondering why he’s even here. Why was he doing all of this?

The only answer he tells you is that you’re pathetic and you need someone to take care of you. He took a week off just for you.

You argued with him that he doesn’t need to do all that but he insisted and said you can work through it together.

You think he was going to help you manage your executive dysfunction but nah he was going to do all the housework himself for the whole week and hang out with you. 

Well he does try to give you a schedule for when you wake up, what to eat (he literally made you precooked food all labeled and everything), when to work out (he bought you workout gear), and what else you can do in between until when you have to sleep.

He says he’ll come by more often to check up on you so you don’t spiral again. (Which still includes him doing all the housework and washing you)

He went from coming by once a week to every other day, but he usually visits at night. You wondered how he wasn’t drowning in work right now like he usually does.

And every time he visits, he’s taking care of everything you forget to do like when you left dirty dishes in the sink to clean for later. 

He makes you take showers with him and it always involves him washing you first before he washes himself. He’ll let you help wash his back though.

He even started making you sleep in the same bed as him and it was hell because he would snore and cough like a dying engine. He keeps you trapped in his arms and legs, and you being a smol bean makes it impossible for you to escape. 

He’ll literally start dressing you up, brushing and styling your hair, and doing your makeup every morning even if you want to do it yourself. But it’s interesting to see what he finds attractive on you.

At one point he decides that it was time y’all should get married and have a baby since he literally takes care of you like a baby anyway.

You’re reluctant because you still wanted to figure out what you wanted in life, but because he’s not someone who wastes time in getting what he wants, he’ll just tell you that you can figure it out after you give him your hand in marriage and babies. 

You can’t figure out if you hate him or you like him because he does a lot of things without your consent and doesn’t allow you to make your own choices in almost anything, but you also appreciate the sheer amount of effort he makes JUST to take care of you on top of being Spiderman. Plus he’s hot as hell.

In terms of marriage, he doesn’t care for weddings and wants to keep it lowkey. It may sadden you if you love weddings, but it’s not like you have any friends and loved ones anyway. He just wants to have a domestic life with you right away and is not a huge shower. 

He’ll make it up to you with the best honeymoon you can ask for. <3

And honestly, especially now that you two are married, he’s going to be a lot more physically affectionate with you and expects you to be the same. Especially whenever he comes home after work, he’s dying for you to pepper kisses and hug him.

The idea of giving birth scares the shit out of you especially when you hear stories of men finding their wives disgusting or how they aren’t there for you in the process or god forbid the husband stitch.

He doesn’t do any of that. He literally worships your body and tbh he’ll be even more proactive in making your life easier that you don’t even lift a finger.

He’ll be on paternity leave so that means he’s gonna stay in the apartment 24/7.

Also, he seems the type to have multiple kids. So, uh, prepare yourself.

And honestly, his controlling and overprotective tendencies are dialed up to the nines after you give birth.

He will watch your every move like a hawk. He’ll hand feed you in every meal. Most of the time he just carries you instead of letting you walk to where you want to go. He blows your nose if it’s stuffy. Massage you when you’re sore. Always being the one to remember when you need to take your medications. Like, literally everything.

And at first when your kids are still babies, he’s extremely protective of them in the same way he is with you. Like taking care of all their bathing and feeding. But as they grow older he definitely loosens his protective hold a little and teaches them skills that helps them learn to be independent.

He even takes them to school, but he usually insists that you stay home until you fight him that you have the right to see your kids at school too.

He still literally does everything in the house and doesn’t let you lift a finger because he partially doesn’t trust you not to hurt yourself.

Which makes your own children think you’re sickly and weak. Because sometimes Miguel would have the kids help you when he’s unable to like delivering your breakfast to your room or doing your dishes.

Ironically, your own children have more freedom and independence than you do.

If he ever does let you go outside, he would be gripping your hand the entire time he doesn’t care if you’re sweating. Or if he has to let go, then his hand has to be somewhere on your body. If not, he will just leash you like a toddler. 

Now, I haven’t mentioned how you guys bond, and to briefly sum it up: he is interested in getting to know you such as your personality quirks, hobbies, favorite food, favorite color, etc etc. He does take into consideration what you like especially in terms of aesthetics (you have better taste than him). But if you do anything that could lead you into independence or potential to hurt yourself, he immediately shuts it down. 

Honestly, you don’t really get why he does it and how he’s not tired of you, but he enjoys that you’re his doll to take care of. And you can sure as hell bet he's taking care of you until your deathbed. (Imagine him still taking care of all of your needs when he's too old and wrinkly too and ngl that's romantic ❤

A/N: Okay I got a little tired of trying to compress my ideas while trying to describe how exactly crazy this yandere caretaker Miguel would be (even though he would 100% not act like this at all especially if you’re incredibly dysfunctional and unable to take care of yourself with ADHD like me). I rewrote like 4 times to not overwhelm you guys in detail. Even though at the same time, there were areas of detail I didn’t know how to get into. I also at some point lost all my writing and started over again. (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Sorry if this wasn’t really well written it’s like 6 am right now. I kind of wanna rewrite it when my brain is more organized but I just wanna shoot my idea out there first.

Idk I might delete this later.

I wanted to like credit my inspos to @jessamine-rose for their fic and the manga “My Childhood Friend is Overprotective” by Kumanami Sae (you should check it out it’s so cuteeee)

[axolotlesque]

as thrilled as i am to have canon dorym, i cannot stop thinking about what a state they're in to be uniquely fucked-up about it if the other dies in their fight against ludinus. 🙃

so they've finally pushed through the barrier of insecurities and the knowledge they're opposed when it comes to predathos and the fear of whether or not the other person does or even can return their feelings and the yoke of a fey deal and a throne between them

to have one!! singular!!! night together

but you have dorian. whose brother just died. who has barely even talked about it happening, much less had the time or space to even begin to process his grief. he has massive survivor's guilt and blames himself not only for cyrus' death but for opal's possession. he's got the stress of being one of the few people who can bring someone else back up in a party where the only healers kind of do it as a side hustle. he is hyper-aware of orym "goading attack. goading attack. goading attack. goa--" of the air ashari's penchant to dive-bomb on a sword if that keeps it from harming someone else and has seen orym go down in battle all-too often as it is.

(although i don't think he knows that orym 100% for real has died already)

and you have orym. he is facing the man responsible for the single day that completely tore through his life. the one that left him both without a father and as a widower. the one that he also has massive survivor's guilt about. he is burdened with the thought that he is very much Just A Fighter in a party of people chockablock full of crazy arcane powers but nevertheless feels responsible for the safety and health of all of them. he feels like he failed his duties once and is mortally determined to never do so again. it is basically physically impossible for him to not keep tabs on every member of his party in a fight at any given time (it is very easy to read his godly-high perception as ptsd-driven hypervigilance.) he has been told in Very Explicit Terms that he is 100% Thee Reason dorian is there with them in this moment, in this fight, on this battlefield.

and that's not even getting into the question of whether or not there will be a force to appeal to vis-a-vis revivify if the worst happens --

so!!! i guess!!!! we just gotta cross our fingers and hope Real Hard that neither one of them comes out the other side of this with their mental/emotional health completely obliterated!!! :D

[dutifullylazybread]

What are your Rolan headcanons?

Apologies for the late response! My brain gave me an Error 404 notification, and I sat there for a moment like... What are my Rolan headcanons?! But then I thought on it, and I definitely have a few! Romantic and NSFW are under the cut!

SFW

Rolan can't actually sleep without some form of light. Prior to Elturel's Descent, there was this glowing orb that hung over their city that they called The Companion. Before they learned the real reason for its existence (which I will not spoil here), it was this entity that shed light over the city 24/7, and that light extended out in a 50 mile radius. So people born in Elturel were used to sleeping with the Companion overhead at all times, whereas visitors would use light-canceling curtains so that they could sleep (inns would offer these). This is my long way of saying that Rolan can't actually sleep if there isn't a light source going in the room. If it's the fireplace, it can die down throughout the night, but it must be going when he falls asleep.

I think that he drinks wine and has a deeper appreciation for it because of the Descent. All food in Avernus tastes terrible--even the rations that you brought with you. In the "Descent Into Avernus" module, the text makes a point to say that wine tastes like spoiled milk in Avernus. So I think that, for Rolan, he savors the taste of wine in particular. Sometimes to the point of excess.

Whatever he overindulged in at the Last Light Inn, he now hates. For no reason whatsoever, I think he went too hard at Plum Fizz, threw it up, and now he can't even stand to look at it. I don't want to say that the same is the case for Arabellan Dry, but there is at least one drink that he overindulged in that now turns his stomach.

He is a very light sleeper. Zariel had a skeleton crew of devils that would skulk the streets of Elturel and torment its inhabitants. If Rolan was a heavy sleeper before, after having the devils pass his family's home with such regularity put him on edge, because they could never guarantee that the devils wouldn't break into their home. Now, even the slightest noise can wake him.

I think that a devil offered him a deal in Avernus. Likely, it would have been the power to protect Cal and Lia. I think he was very close to taking it--even more so if their mother was dead at this point. I think he ultimately did not take it, and I think Lia and Cal yelled at him if they found out he was considering a deal in the first place.

This man 100% tried to brave Avernus' terrain to find a way to keep his siblings safe. The problem with Avernus is that the terrain is ever changing. Per the "Descent into Avernus" module, going to Fort Knucklebone might be ten miles. Going BACK from Fort Knucklebone might be sixty miles instead. I don't know if he gave up and went home of his own accord or if the party of heroes who helps Elturel help him get home. Either way, he views it as a failing on his part.

After their mother was killed, I think Rolan experienced a serious amount of survivor's guilt. This makes it so he is even more protective of Cal and Lia. Nothing else matters but keeping them alive. Hence why he is so deep in his cups when you find him at Last Light--he feels that he broke the promise that he made to their mother. He failed to protect his family. The ONE promise he wanted to keep, no matter what.

He wrote to Lorroakan, desperate for an apprenticeship, because the other Elturel Refugees were also heading to Baldur's Gate. However, refugees from Elturel were being actively blocked from entering the city. I definitely think he believed that Lorroakan was talented if he could lay claim to Ramazith's tower, but I also think that he wanted to make sure that he, Cal, and Lia all had a home when they got there. I think that he was willing to put up with a lot if it meant that his siblings were safe. So, in a sense, this was an apprenticeship of convenience, but I also think he did believe that a wizard who presided over Ramazith's tower would likely be a talented one.

I think that Lorroakan likely took credit for one or two of Rolan's arcane discoveries.

This man is vain. Everything about his appearance says "immaculate." Does he find a smudge on his sleeve? Prestidigitation. Is there a tear along a seam? Mending. Hair out of place? He'll be back in ten minutes--he just needs to get everything in order.

He is always thinking about how he can make a spell into an experience that Cal and Lia can enjoy. Not just prestidigiation, but also minor illusion. I wouldn't put it past him to learn Control Weather so that if they're too hot, he can cool them down. Are they disappointed that the snow disappeared too soon? Well, he has just the answer.

He is overprotective. To a fault.

While he genuinely believes it when he claims to be "the handsome master of Ramazith's Tower," or argues that he is talented, I think he started saying these things so that he could convince himself first. If he was abandoned by his birth parents, that no doubt took a toll on him. So he is very fond of positive self-talk.

Romantic

He might not always know how to verbalize his feelings, but he does demonstrate them in other ways.

Your favorite food? He learns how to make it. And he always has the ingredients on hand.

You mention offhandedly what your favorite drink is? He has at least three tins/bottles of it on hand.

If you want to make him short-circuit, wear socks that don't match.

He'll say he isn't a cuddler. He is a liar. He'll claim that the extra pillows and blankets lying around are there for your comfort, which is true, but he is also the one who is primed and ready to tuck them around you and him and read for hours on end.

Also, he loves spending time with you doing different things in the same room. He doesn't think he gets lonely since he is so used to studying on his own, but when you start sitting next to him or settling into place on a nearby couch while he works, he realizes what was missing.

He is the king of longing stares from across the room.

Will short circuit if you sit on his lap and kiss his neck (can't say more in the SFW section!)

Will cling to you when you sleep in the same bed. You honestly don't need much in the way of blankets because of the heat he puts off.

NSFW

Oh ho ho ho. I have so many and so few at the same time!!

Will bite you if you ask (and will fantasize if you don't), but he loves the idea of marking you as his, so he wants to do nothing but give you lovebites.

Personally, I think he is a switch. He can go from being the best service top in the world to being the one in need of a lot of physical affection and care. He struggles to actually verbalize what he needs, but if you can pick up on his cues, you can very much so tell whether he needs you to take the lead. From there, it's a matter of suggesting something and seeing if he is game.

That being said, he will not hesitate to bend you over a desk or take you against a bookshelf.

I don't think Rolan is a virgin (let's be real, if he has so many fans outside of a D&D setting, he definitely had a few who were attracted to him in Elturel). But he has always been very focused on taking care of his family or his studies, and I don't think he was ready for a serious relationship until after settling into the tower.

That being said, while he isn't a virgin, he also isn't well-versed in different sexy time fun things.

THAT BEING SAID, if you float an idea to him, he's going to consider it. And, so long as he is comfortable, he's down to try it too.

And once you and him start having sex on the regular, he starts to see the real potential that spells can have. Mage hand is an easy one... but what about enlarge person?

Get him worked up enough, and he will absolutely decide to fuck you in every single room of the tower (Cal's and Lia's excluded)

100% uses his tail. I shall say no more.

Your moans will make him short circuit. It takes EVERYTHING for him not to come when you moan.

Your moans, or your squeals, are also enough to get him hard. Expect him to start acting a little... needy after you make a noise like that.

King of morning sex. I shall say no more.

Loves when you go down on him. And if you moan around his cock? He's a goner.

If you blow him under his desk? He will never be able to sit at that desk again... not without going full mast.

If he's working and you whisper something lewd in his ear before walking off, he is either going to abandon his studies and want to take you up on your suggestion or he's going to sit there and stew. Either way, you have a blushing mess of a wizard on your hands.

[stuckysimp]

I'm like 8 years too late, but oh well - I've had this Captain America Civil War rant stuck in my head for a while and I need to get it out after re-watching it. (This is gonna be long af, but bear with me).

I feel like a lot of people missed the actual point and plot of the movie (and the marketing definitely didn't help). The whole "team cap vs team iron man" stuff becomes irrelevant after like the first 20 minutes of the movie. But of course, it's still quite a big part of the movie and I'd like to take a moment to explore what I think, the different character motivations are around why they signed or didn't (or would / wouldn't).

The only reason Tony "I successfully privatised world peace" Stark signed the accords in the first place anyway is because of his massive survivors guilt complex which we see triggered by the woman who approaches him at the end of his speech to the MIT students. Like this man does not give a single shit about the government, and much like Steve Rogers, he just wants to keep people safe. Unlike Steve, however, he doesn't trust himself to do so and thinks of himself needing the be kept in check, for someone else to take the blame (though he'd probably internalise it anyway, let's be real).

Rhodey has always kind of been more on the side of the government, even if that meant going against Tony - think Iron Patriot - so it makes sense that he'd want to sign. He understands that a group as powerful and dangerous as the Avengers needs to be kept in check, but what he doesn't understand are the risks around that. In a perfect world, it would be fine, but unfortunately government systems are stupid and corrupt.

Peter was only really in the fight in the first place because he was a child blindly following this big celebrity guy he idolised. He didn't know enough about the situation to properly analyse it, just being fed and believing whatever Tony told him (and he had no reason to go against him, so why would he? This was his shot, he's been chosen by THE Tony Stark to help). "Mr Stark said you'd say that" "he said you're wrong, you think you're right, that makes you dangerous." I 100% believe that if Peter had read the accords, that he would have been on Steve's side anyway.

Vision is an embodiment of 'good' and 'peace' - essentially everything that Ultron was supposed to be, but wasn't. He has no reason to be against the accords if it will keep people safe and he makes the point during their conversation of "our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict ... breeds catastrophe. Oversight ... oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand." It's also very much the beginning kind of puppy love between him and Wanda in this movie, meaning that he will want to protect her. No matter what. Even if it means "locking her in her room."

Nat was seriously one of the only people in this movie with a brain cell lol. I firmly believe that if the accords had been properly put in place, she would have followed them until she no longer thought the government's instructions were 'right' and would have gone against them anyway. Her main goal in this movie was trying to keep the Avengers, her family, together and ultimately do the 'right' thing.

T'challa didn't give one shit about the accords lmao, he's damn king. No, he was only there in the first place to take revenge on his father's death (which at the point of the airport fight scene he still thought it was Bucky's fault. He later discovers, after following Steve and Bucky to Siberia, that it's Zemo's, and locks him up).

Steve's concerns with the accords are valid, and honestly I wouldn't have signed them either. To be told "sign, retire, or get locked up" isn't really a big winner for me lol. And the thing is, Steve's done this. He fought in WW2, he got paraded around like some big hero while men died, and he did nothing. It wasn't until he went against orders, that he actually did something helpful (saved the captured 107th division in Azzano). So, no, he's not going to be side-lined when people out there need help. That's just not who he is.

Bucky had no part in the accords, and as soon as he got introduced into the movie, that plot point became irrelevant. He was framed by Zemo, and then used to rip the avengers apart. The accords was just another log to add to the fire at that point. He followed Steve because "till the end of the line" and all that. He literally, heartbreakingly, says "I don't know if I'm worth all this," but he follows anyway.

Scott, much like Peter, is kinda just happy to be there. He's following CAPTAIN FREAKING AMERICA into battle without hesitation. But like, let's be honest, given his whole movie and character, I very much doubt Scott would be on Tony's side if he had read the accords.

Clint got dragged out of freaking retirement for this shit, and he didn't actually get involved until after Team Cap already knew about Zemo. That's why he's there. Not because of the accords, but to help Steve get to the Quinjet to get to Siberia and stop Zemo before he can go through with his assumed plan to wake up the five super soldiers who'd been stashed there. (Of course, this isn't actually Zemo's plan, but we'll get back to that later).

Wanda is going through some serious self loathing during this movie, and the incident in Lagos doesn't help. Like at all. Ma girl just wants to live her life and be left alone at this point and she's getting all of these horrible things thrown into her face by Secretary Ross. She doesn't want to be controlled, she doesn't want to be a weapon, she wants to be free. "You locked me in my room." - Girl already probably hates Tony Stark due to her family being killed by one of his bombs and Ultron, so she's mad anyway.

Sam is on Steve's side from the start. With the accords, to fight Zemo, all of it. During the 'discussion' between him and Rhodey, he says "So let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?" He doesn't trust Secretary Ross, and is clearly hesitant to add his signature to the accords. (not that I blame him).

The main actual villain and 'plot' of the movie after the first part with the accords, was the whole thing with Zemo wanting to tear the Avengers apart to get revenge for his family dying in Sokovia. He takes advantage of the accords, and of Bucky / The Winter Soldier to do this but it's not really discussed which annoys me. It's a MAJOR part of the film, yet all I ever really see being discussed are the accords affecting the decisions of characters throughout the film with no consideration of the wider picture.

From when the UN meeting is blown up, the Avengers are being manipulated by Zemo working in the background throughout the film. He frames Bucky for murder, and Steve - who has been looking for Bucky for the past 2 years - goes after him like ‘tf man’. Bucky gets taken in and Zemo uses the opportunity to activate the Winter Soldier programming, learn about Hydra’s super soldier program, and of course - “Mission report. December 16, 1991.”

This leads to Bucky’s escape and attack, Steve and co going on the run, and eventually the airport fight. The meaning of this scene gets lost, I feel, when people relate it back to the accords because it’s not about that anymore. Not really, not for anyone. Especially not for Steve, or even for Tony.

Tony at this point, most definitely feels like his world is being torn apart. He’s losing control, he’s spiralling, and Steve just isn’t listening. He’s blinded by his anger to the bigger picture and he just wants to get a handle on the situation to deal with it further.

Steve’s forgotten all about the accords, his priority is keeping Bucky safe and stopping Zemo. He tries to tell Tony, tries to talk to him, but Tony isn’t listening either. I mean their whole interaction just before the fight shows this:

(the dialogue below has been condensed to show the key lines - basically I got rid of other characters talking irrelevantly)

-

Steve Rogers: Hear me out, Tony. That doctor, the psychiatrist, he's behind all of this.

Tony Stark: Anyway, Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in. That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out?

Steve Rogers: You're after the wrong guy.

Tony Stark: Your judgment is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday.

Steve Rogers: And there are five more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't.

- later -

Tony Stark: And you've been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint. 'Rescuing' Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place. I'm trying to keep . . . I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.

Steve Rogers: You did that when you signed.

Tony Stark: Alright, We're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us. NOW! Because it's us! Or a squad of J-SOC guys . . . with no compunction about being impolite. [Steve looks aside.] Come on.

-

Not to mention that Tony, after learning that Zemo impersonated and killed the actual doctor dude that was supposed to see Bucky whilst he was in confinement, he DISOBEYED the accords and Secretary Ross to go and help Steve stop what they thought at the time was the reactivation of the five super soldiers who'd been left in cryo freeze.

He follows Steve and Bucky to Siberia to help them, not to fight them. That only changes because of Zemo showing the footage of Bucky, WHILE UNDER BASICALLY MIND CONTROL, killing Tony’s parents.

In this scene, Tony 100% has every right to be angry. Unfortunately, he’s the kind of person who cannot see past his anger. He gets in his head, he spirals, and he tries to kill Bucky based on blind rage. (IT WASN’T BUCKY’S FAULT DAMMIT).

And yes, Steve was 100% in the wrong for not telling Tony. This whole scene could have been very easily avoided if Steve had just pulled Tony aside and had the difficult conversation about his parents death. Tony deserved to know, and Steve was only sparing himself pain by doing it. Dick move Steve, 0/10.

The fight between the three allows Zemo, having successfully completed his plan of eliminating the super soldiers and tearing the avengers apart, to slip away. With his work done, he tries to end his own life, but T’challa stops him and arrests him instead.

Steve and Tony’s fight was unnecessary, dramatic, and heart-breaking, and I’m very glad they managed to make up later, but ye. I think, at the end of the day, they’re all just dramatic idiots with communication issues lol.

-

Thank you for reading my long ass essay lmao, apparently I have a lot of feelings about this movie 😂

[menelaiad]

Hi! I know your favorite character is Menelaus (mine too) and I wanted to ask you, what is your opinion about him in Euripides’ Oresteia? And in Euripides’ Helen? Because as I see, the Homeric Menelaus is a little different, and Euripides didn’t despict him as a nice character.

Thank you for your answer in advance! :)

hi, there!

heck yea! fellow menelaus stans unite, let's make jackets or smth.

UHHHHH i spoke about this a lot in my recent MA thesis and it's the foundation for my phd (or at least a big chunk of it) and yes i'm sorry this bitch is going off about her academics again.

so. euripides was athenian and it's fairly safe to say that the athenians altered menelaus characterisation on a HUGE scale and it was mainly euripides as he wrote the most works featuring him. and it's also fairly safe to say that euripides didn't like menelaus OR helen OR hermione simply because they were spartan and given the context of his time, he couldn't really be pro-sparta. so, he used menelaus' family in a myriad of ways to just mock ALL spartans and spartan culture. i won't go into that too much now and i'll focus specifically on the plays you asked about! :)

ORESTES (i assume you meant orestes? aeschylus did the oresteia but euripides just did this one?): so here we see .... menelaus being not very great with his family. but not in a mean way he's just .... useless .. coward like almost? he's a big fence sitter tbh. he doesn't wanna get involved in orestes' shit and that is painfully obvious. again. that's meant to make menelaus look shitty that he doesn't care about his family and his brothers death and his nephew literally having visions of hell BUT. personally? i dont blame him ASDFGHJK. man just got his wife back. got home. dealing with grief and loss and survivors guilt and maybe ptsd and shit .................... and then orestes turns up like 'help me fix my problems' BRO HE GOT HIS OWN DAMN PROBLEMS. and THEN they're like 'ok uncle that's cool. we're gonna kill ur wife and daughter though' LIKE LEAVE THE OLD MAN ALONE. i LOVE menelaus and agamemnon's dynamic. so i'm not saying menelaus didn't care about aga and aga's family. im NOT saying that. but (and i KNOW its my modern perspective) i can see why menelaus couldn't be arsed. and he wasn't even mean about it? he was just nonplussed. AGAIN the ancients would have HATED that, but my modern ass can relate tbh. and lets not forget. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. if he helps orestes, he risks greek wrath. which (in this play anyway) is already strong enough against him cause of helen and troy. so like. euripides has kinda put him in this impossible situation and then makes him the 'stupid funny lazy ass not helpful uncle' guy when he just backs out. which i think is unfair. AND TO TOP IT OFF. APOLLO COMES AND THEN TAKES HIS WIFE. AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO GET HER BACK. justice for this old man i s2g.

HELEN: OH HERE WE GO! SO helen is often referred to as a tragi-comedy which i think is very accurate. and euripides is using it to condemn war as a whole (athens had recently suffered a big loss) like if helen wasn't even in troy what was the point of the war? he makes menelaus very .... pathetic, for lack of a better word. and helen seems to take the reigns in their relationship, which would have been a huge no-no to the athenian audience. it would have made helen look domineering and unmanageable and menelaus weak and foolish. he also has menelaus cry a lot. cry and lament his losses as a king. again, the athenians would have hated a man crying. a GREEK HERO crying. but we have our 21st century vision and tbh ................ menelaus is fantastic in this play. he is so. real. he is so human. he is a man who is tired. who is lonely. who is heartbroken. a man who meets his wife who isn't his wife but actually is his wife ... and we're supposed to laugh at him because he's confused? he gets lambasted by so many characters and it's supposed to be funny and i think it is! i do think menelaus in helen is just .... an incredible character. he's so funny. he's so NORMAL. he reacts how you would expect a man to react. you see so many menelaus' in this play. menelaus defeated. menelaus in love. you see a menelaus in action when he comes up with the plan against proteus but also a man who respects his wife and knows when to shut up. i, much like the athenians back then, do have a giggle at menelaus in this play. but i don't hate him. it makes him all the more endearing to me and i love him.

these two menelaus' are (shockingly) two menelaus' that i like! i love helen's menelaus and i'm indifferent to orestes' menelaus tbh. but i think they're fine as portrayals and they make sense to me!

overall, me and euripides have a complicated relationship. some of his menelaus' i cannot tolerate. and some i adore. and i can actually connect his helen menelaus and his iphigenia in aulis menelaus to homeric menelaus. they're not identical by any means, but the way he behaves and his choices and stuff. you can see homeric menelaus in there somewhere, which is why i love them so much.

[slushgut]

Darnell is Picos best friend and right hand man. For many many years they where absolutely attached at the hip and even now as adults they chose to live close together. D is a kind man with genuine intentions, but destructive with his habits. He is a pyromaniac, and despite his best efforts to pull back, never seems to let go of his lighter. Because of this, clothes and furniture come and go very quickly in his life.

Darnell has also been saddled with extreme survivors guilt. Even with the knowledge the game he came from isn't real, he still can't shake the memory of his best friend sacrificing everything while he couldn't do a thing.

[nyaagolor]

Ok, This is the anon that said ages ago that I think that Tohya is trans, and I finally have gotten back to write my thoughts on this

I will be dividing this discussion into two sections, how Tohya being trans is supported by the text, and my own EXTREEEMLY indulgent rewrite of Tohya as an explicitly trans character.

There's a lot about Battler's character in canon  that seems to me and other people like egg behaviour.

His hatred of his name, his often cartoonish machismo, the closed room scene in episode 6 in which one of the escape methods mentioned would be to cut himself up in little pieces and push them down the drain, this idea of destroying yourself to be able to exist in the outside world, the fact that I have seen 2 maybe 3 people think that Battler is Beatrice in some way (one person coming to this conclusion from the closed room scenes in episode 6 in which a witch at the opening scene haunts Battler from the outside, as if implying to come of the closed room would mean to face the witch) the fact Tohya dreaded meeting Ange because he was afraid he'd be forced back to being Battler, that the man that was Battler would come back and kill him.

It's honestly that last scene that sealed it for me, as it's very metaphorically similar to someone transitioned away from their family and is now afraid to see their family again because they're afraid they'd be forced to de-transition, LIKE YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME THAT TOHYA IS CIS, and I think a trans Tohya reading elevates the text (TO ME) and makes the death of Battler so much less metaphorical and a lot more literal, it makes Battler Tohya's deadname.

Now I understand the pushback towards a trans Tohya/Battler reading, despite Battler's comically masculine behaviour at times he's also put into a lot of situations where he behaves "unmasculine".

He cries often (one of the reasons I love his character), he's often under Beatrice's thumb and is made to submit very often, the fact that he's called a bride in his wedding to Erika by one of the chiester's, with this being done to degrade him. 

His masculinity is often under attack, so I understand why people like the idea of him still being a man and still being masculine despite it, which I respect and my own trans reading isn't here to invalidate that.

HOWEVER.

I think what a lot of people forget when discussing Battler as a character is that he's not real. 

He's a fictional character within a piece of fiction, and I don't mean this in the piece vs meta aspect.

No, what I mean, is that in Sayo's message bottles she wrote of him having not seem his is 6 years, so a lot of her assumptions about him might not have reflected reality, and while Tohya was Battler, Tohya no longer is him, and a lot of his depiction of Battler is tinged with survivor's guilt and a seeming dislike to his past self. 

That is also not accounting the idea that Tohya's Battler and Sayo's Battler's characterisation is so similar may not be because Sayo had got his characterisation right, but because Tohya choose to stick close to her characterisation closely even if it was wrong, as a way to make the forgeries not only more convincing but also as a way of honoring Sayo's writing decisions. 

A lot of the depiction of Battler as we see in text is extremely biased, as the depictions are of all characters but Battler especially!

We come out of Umineko not knowing anything about what the true Battler might have been like.

And doesn't this say something about how we're supposed to interpret the text? That the main man of this tale isn't and has never been real?

Battler, under this reading, may continue to be a man, despite the narrative's attacks on his masculinity, because he exists to be a character.

But Tohya is fundamentally not Battler, Tohya is real in ways Battler is not, so Battler's masculinity should not reflect on Tohya's

NOW ONTO MY VERY UNHINGED IMAGINARY WORLD IN WHICH I WAS IN CHARGE OF UMINEKO AND NOT RYUKISHI

Now you may ask, "anon, why would you want to rewrite Tohya's character? Didn't you just go on multiple paragraphs about how the canon text supports a trans Tohya reading?" well yes, but I think it could have done so in a better way, as in, by making them actually trans, and not just having Tohya be trans in text, but by changing a very crucial aspect of the writing.

Ikuko.

Listen I love Ikuko, I love unhinged women, why would I read Umineko "unhinged women the visual novel" if I didn't, but Ikuko as a character exists as a writing device, she's the author's insert, there to literally spell out the meaning of the text, and there to explain how the fuck Tohya survived post memory and identity loss.

But that kinda means that she doesn't really get to exist as a character and a person, which means that her weird actions and behaviour aren't really interrogated by the text. 

Like, we all agree her, a woman at least in her 30s, grabbing this half dead 18 year old off the street and taking him to her house, NOT A HOSPITAL, and becoming his career post island trauma and later after he becomes paralyzed is suspect right?

Like I loved the fic Coracle that interprets Ikuko's actions in a sympathetic lens, but there's a reason some people interpret Ikuko's behavior as immensely creepy.

BECAUSE WHAT SHE DID TO TOHYA IS LITERALLY WHAT KINZO DID TO BEATRICE THE FIRST. Beatrice the first was injured, so Kinzo took her to his house and his doctor friend treated her there.

In both situations the consent is suspect, but while in Kinzo's case we're invited to interrogate his actions we are not intended to do the same with Ikuko, because she does not exist to be a character, but as a writing device.

And that bothers me, so let's fix that.

Combine Ikuko and Tohya into one character.

No, I'm not joking.

Instead of canon, in which Tohya is picked off the street by a rich benefactor, they are instead forced to make it on their own, and without any idea who they are, injured and unable to support themselves because a fresh 18 year old with no name and no credentials and brain damage is not very hirable , they predictably do not do well for themselves, becoming homeless.

This is to mirror the reality to many queer people who get cut off by their family.

However through the help of individuals in similar situations, and a couple of good samaritans (showcasing the importance of community outside of family) Tohya managed to make a meagre living for themselves and eventually after gaining that stability gets introduced to the forgery scene and start writing forgeries of their own under the pen name Ikuko, the story of the Rokkenjima massacre feeling horribly familiar to them.

Later when Eva is dead and Ange is investigating the forgeries, she does meet with Tohya, tho under the name of Ikuko.

And despite Tohya being her "brother", she does not recognize them as Battler, in fact she does not recognize them at all. Tohya  having partially transitioned, plus the stress and age, makes Tohya look vastly different to her than what she remembers Battler being like.

This is serving two purposes.

One, this is to reflect the Shannon and Kanon situation and how despite both being Sayo the Ushiromiyas didn't recognize them as the same person.

Two, it makes Tohya look less callous than in canon. While a trans reading of the canon text makes the reason why Tohya put off seeing Ange again for so long understandable, a lot of people don't read it that way and often interpret his refusal to see her as callous.

But if Tohya does meet with her and she doesn't recognize them, well it explains why they wouldn't tell her who they are. I mean, would she even believe them?

It also makes that last scene in the novel where they meet after all these years (again in this case) after Ange has changed her own name into Yukari and is now an author much more poignant. Battler only got to "see" Sayo after he understood Beatrice, Yukari only got to "see" Battler after she understood Tohya.

This also just results in tighter writing (TO ME), we get more time getting to know the person Battler died to become even tho we may not know who they were when we are first introduced to them.

Just imagine the potential of Featherine as Tohya's witch sona (since here Tohya and Ikuko are the same person), imagine meta Ange getting to snark Featherine, subconsciously bickering with Featherine the same way one would bicker with their siblings, and everyone else being confused why Featherine isn't smiting her, it would have been great.

And this could work in a multitude of ways. I used to be firmly in the trans girl Tohya camp, but nowadays I'm more so of an enby Tohya liker, something about Tohya being able to abandon gendered categories in a way Beatrice only dreamed of with the existence of Lion feels right to me.

HI sorry it took me so longer to answer I've been so busy but OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD I LOVE THIS A LOT. going thru this bit by bit:

I hc Battler as intersex / trans / having some repressed gender related smth or other for those exact reasons. The whole thing about being in the closet in EP6, his "late puberty growth spurt" sounding like exogenous T-induced puberty, the way his character intersects with gender and how he seems mildly uncomfortable with the way he's praised for performing gender "correctly"... all of it just makes me go hmmmm there is a trans reading here. I go back and forth between intersex battler and golden land butch lesbian battler and a few other things but nonetheless. Gender.

The whole thing about Tohya and Battler being involved in a deadname / fragmentation of the self is SOOOO perfect and I'm kind of obsessed with it. I see the vision and the vision goes crazy. As for the whole thing about Battler being a character and not a person, AGREEEEEEED i think it's one of the least spoken about meta aspects of the narrative. I haven't really written about it much outside of discord but the whole idea of Tohya maintaining the image of Battler so as to not hurt the people who cared about him but didn't know the real him is so... ough. Also intersects with Sayo's themes of understanding the heart / seeing things with love extremely well

ok I will not lie I do not really think too much about rewrites for Umineko specifically but you are COOKING with this. The whole thing with Yukari not understanding Tohya, not SEEING Tohya until she understood herself and abandoned her grief... stellar, incredible, 10/10 no notes (side note the whole deadname with Ange is why I think she's trans, but this is about Tohya rn)

I'll get to the other asks soon but WOW WOW WOW this goes crazy. OP what is ur discord we need to have a discussion. this could be us.

[nkn0va]

I try again. Persona 5 girls expect Sumite react to their S/O scarifice themself to end Yaldabaoth and girls spend their last moment with them.

Alternative scenario of Yaldabaoth final boss fight where Phantom Thieves can't defeat the God or Joker did not have Satanael's Sinful Shell. S/O did the Minato's move but we just Kaboom ourself along with Yaldabaoth to end it result S/O existence being erase as well.

In the wise words of the snake man: "Kept you waiting, huh?"

Yeah the first scenario is what we're going with. Joker not having Satanael means he hasn't completed the fool's journey and thus failed as a Wild Card in which case the world would be fucked. Also coming up with four ways for S/O to die was way harder than it should've been. This doesn't live up to my personal standard of writing but better to get it out than just keep putting it off.

-It was a complete accident, something that was completely unavoidable, especially with the nature of the foe they were fighting. At least that's what everyone had been telling Ann since the accident.

-Ever since then though, she's only able to blame herself. She was caught off guard by one of Yaldabaoth's several weapons, the sword in particular. She was caught up in dealing damage to Yaldabaoth himself to the point she wasn't able to see it coming.

-You tackled her out of the way, and in the process lost an arm. Makoto and Morgana tried their hardest, but there was no stopping bleeding that severe and you died in her arms.

-No matter what sort of reasoning the rest of the group tries to give her, none of it is enough to console the immense survivor's guilt. A loss that she herself believes she could've prevented, but just like with Shiho, she wasn't good enough to save you.

-This time however though, you weren't coming back.

-Things were currently not looking good. Four whole arms had been sprouted out, all carrying weapons that posed their own very real threat. The possibility of death was looming over them more than ever.

-Makoto, ever the caretaker and tactician of the group, was in particular stressing herself about how to get everyone out of the situation safely, at least until you came up with an idea.

-It was stupid, reckless, and would probably end with you dead, but you recognized that it was your best chance at victory, despite how much Makoto was begging you not to do it.

-Channeling every bit of power your Persona had all at once, you leapt right up into Yaldabaoth's face and put everything you had into one final attack. You took out three of the arms he'd sprouted, but one survived and managed to hit you head on.

-The damage was far too much to heal, and it wasn't long until you inevitably succumbed to your wounds. Makoto sat over your body until you closed your eyes for good, and that was how she stayed for a while.

-She should've come up with something better, she should've come up with a way to save you of all people. No matter how much she tries to reason with herself that it was almost impossible for everyone to escape alive against a god.

-Much in the same way as any other battle, Futaba was in the backlines, unable to directly do anything herself. Usually this wasn't much of a problem, however Yaldabaoth did the unthinkable and went after her.

-Being her S/O, you were the one to step in first, taking a full barrage of projectiles all at once meant to take out Futaba instantly.

-In your last moments, you ask for Futaba to lock in as their navigator and make sure no one else has to die, she's too important to go.

-In the moment she has no choice but to say yes. However afterward is an entirely different story. Yet another person she loved dearly has died in front of her while she was unable to do anything about it.

-She goes back into shut-in mode, not coming out of her room for an indeterminate amount of time. It's a while before she can come out again after being re-traumatized like that.

-Being the gun damage specialist of the team, Haru was tasked with dealing with Yaldabaoth's gun in a shootout, however it wasn't long before she'd faced one too many of them and started to get exhausted. This caused her to let her guard down.

-As it took aim at her, you were the first to realize what was going on and leapt into action, jumping in front of her to take the gunshot instead. Yaldabaoth didn't stop at just one shot though, taking a few more at you until you fell to the ground, in shock from the overwhelming pain and quickly bleeding out.

-Tears quickly well up in Haru's eyes as she watches the life leave yours, telling her it's ok. Telling her that she shouldn't feel guilty, and that you only wish for her to finish the fight in your place.

-She tries to get over you, she really does. She knows you wouldn't want her to grieve over you. No matter how hard she tried though, it was too much. First her father, and now you...

-If only she was stronger. If only she was faster. If only she could've done her job right, you would still be here. Now she has to carry the weight of two deaths on her shoulders.

[tempestvista]

spoiler warnings for TMA

There is a decent possibility that I am going to eat my words if anything changes greatly since I have not fully finished TMA (Iirc I'm in the middle of season 4? I've been on pause for a bit though so I need to find my place again)

But can I just say how frustrating it is that like everyone villainizes Jonathan Sims in the fandom lmao?? Especially without even considering him and his character + character development as a part of his multi-faceted person and instead just dumbing him down to a one dimensional evil guy who they can also ship with others because ui ui sexo sexo

Now there are obvious things/reasons to dislike him. Namely, the stalking of his employees, which, I don't think I need to explain why is problematic and gross.

But the things I see listed as points against Jonathan Sims are often just… Side effects of him being non-consensually turned into a monster by a deeply calculating man who has a plethora of more knowledge from the get-go and far more manipulation over the situation than Jon himself? ''He killed innocent people!!'' Alright, so did multiple of the other characters?? Like a lot of them, actually?? That's. A really common theme??????????? An overarching pattern (in my analysis/eyes anyhow) in TMA is that literally almost no one gets a happy ending and usually the ones who ''do'' are based in the suffering of others + they've been turned

It just actually infuriates me when I see the "he killed innocent people'' argument without anyone acknowledging how it is near impossible to fight your nature as an avatar and again, really, really loosely saying here because I do not fully recall, but it seems like going against that nature can and WILL kill you. And you can call it selfish, but really, who WOULDN'T want to die? A lot of people have both a conscious and primal instinct to, you know, LIVE.

And again, also not acknowledging that multiple others have done the same.

Also, I see people either justify or entirely ignore the fact that at some point he was being utterly demeaned and belittled by everyone around him. If he wasn't being manipulated by Elias, he was being avoided by Martin, Melanie making cruel digs, being hovered over also by any given person, and generally having petty to hateful comments tossed at him by MOST individuals on any day at any hour. I acknowledge my bias and love for him really does jump out in this, but it also does make me mad that no one seems to care for the fact that he is ALSO a victim. He's a victim of manipulation, of being groomed into being an avatar (at least in my eyes), of being harmed by multiple entities and having lasting marks and impacts from each of them, of being falsely accused of murder (and everyone he knew at the time BELIEVING he was guilty), of being kidnapped/held hostage (MORE THAN ONCE), having to witness literal ghosts/bodies/skins of previous people he knew be lifted around and surrounding him talking about how he's a failure, a bad person, a bad archivist, the worst of the worst- which I cannot IMAGINE the nightmares that that situation would breed. Genuinely just sit and think about that for a moment. Also, as far as the Unknowing and any harm derived from that situation, if we're talking specifically about Sims again, he also had to live with the fact afterward that he was the reason Tim got killed. He has to live with the fact that he was so overwhelmed by everything and the manipulation of Nikola + the Stranger that when he came out of it, Tim had to be the one to end it because Jon failed to. He has to live with Tim being gone, and the fault of it weighing down on him. That is something that I do think one can blame him for (if I am recounting this all correctly). I wanted to bring this up in specific because Survivors guilt is very real and that whole ordeal and blaming must have been something beyond harrowing. He had to realize a thing was basically marching around in the corporeal idea of Sasha and that it WASN'T. HER. Of course this whole podcast is centered around being a nightmare, which is why I find it important to acknowledge the impacts of the nightmare on the people who very much are experiencing them!! And on a continued basis!! Living in that consistent traumatizing environment, developing hypervigilance, watching people drop like flies around you, like. holy shit man. Being traumatized, being threatened by what seems like fate itself at times, and also being used as a pawn for a massive scheme which he didn't even know was a thing. He used to have a life prior to all the world-ending, supernatural, lovecraftian horror stuff that became his new normal.

I know a lot of people would bash the ''I'm a victim too!'' card, but I really don't think that is an easy dismissal here because he just legitimately is.

That, and the people who villainize him also get really.. weird? At times? Like I know this is no longer an uncommon opinion - at least I hope not, but I don't really interact with TMA fandom at all besides liking, reblogging and saving fanart + fics- But people really just tend to make him into this gross or just. Absolutely downright awful human being (occasionally fetishizing his very nature even sometimes) and then Martin is the cutesy innocent person who has never done a single thing wrong in his life, Tim is the sexy hot bisexual who would fuck anything from a lamp-pole to eight mothmen, and Sasha is some demure, sweet and lovely little thing who only exists as just another background person in the polychives.

I can't say I've really seen that characterization of Sasha often thankfully… but that's also because some people straight up forget she was a vital character at one point lol (and I confess I'm not deeply attached to her so the art I save of her is usually secondary/included in other fanart)

I know some of this is redundant, and I am certain that if my memory wasn't so in and out as it is (especially as of late, the dissociation has been… bad, topic for another day, anywho-) I would be able to make more points against the things I've seen, but this is just one facet I really felt like addressing, since I think almost no one is innocent in TMA and harping on Jon specifically is … honestly pointless?? And bland/low hanging fruit as far as the conversation goes? Like big whoop, he's a monster, so is a majority of the characters in TMA? Lmfao??

All in all I say this without aggression or targeted vitriol. I hope people understand I am allowed to be angry at words without hating and/or wishing harm upon the people who say them /npa gen

And if someone happens to see this and has something to contribute, or a point to be made against me, I will gladly listen and engage! I like when people show me my errors, it gives me more perspectives. (Not intended arrogantly, genuine).

I do want it to be clear though that just because this is something I would love to discuss if anyone actually DOES - that doesn't mean I'm accepting of petty spats or arguments.

[ladyodium]

I’m feeling strangely poetic today.

TW: Domestic Violence

Lestat is such a blackhole. He’s a chaotic mess with an abusive backstory from which he never really healed from. Lestat is a lot, he knows that and he loves very deeply. Louis to him is His. His creation, His sun, and His Saint. Louis is everything Lestat isn’t, he’s the human quality that he lost so long ago. Lestat believes that Louis is his saving grace, finally someone just like him. In this Sun he’s found there is a deep underlying darkness. He wants Louis so desperately to accept himself as a vampire. He’s constantly angry that Louis denies this dark gift, this blessing he’s given him. He wants Louis to act out, he’s constant pushing Louis to react like him. He cheats, he lies, and he manipulates. He does everything in the book to get a reaction out of Louis and sometimes it works! He gets that reaction he wants, the vulnerability that Louis shows in his anger delights him. He’s a blackhole sucking the light away from The Sun, he’s the darkness that devours light, he’s this all consuming being who wants so desperately to be loved for who he is.

Louis is The Sun, The Saint, The creation. Louis meets Lestat and he’s instantly sucked into the vortex of him. He’s intrigued by this man who seems otherworldly. He finds him so fascinating, so attractive and alluring. How could you not be pulled in? Louis also is someone who is a victim of abuse. His family, his mother, Lestat, and now Armand. He isn’t always a good person but he tried to be. Louis is so traumatized that his mind just blocks out certain memories. Even before Armand messes with his mind. He loves Lestat and he’s ashamed to admit that. He loves Lestat so much but he hates the way Lestat makes him feel so unwanted. Louis really suffers from these severe moments of depression. He struggles with the concept that he is no longer human. He can’t have his business anymore and he can’t see his family. He’s afraid of his own vampirism, he can’t stomach the guilt of killing someone. He’d rather just drain animals and Lestat can’t stand this. 

I feel like Louis is the perfect example of a domestic abuse survivor. Before Lestat never hit Louis, he never raised a hand to him. However, he would humiliate him, cheat on him and then turn a child into a vampire just to keep him shackled in the “marriage”. Louis was happy that Claudia was there for a brief period in time Claudia was his light. They were a happy family until they weren’t. Lestat was jealous of Claudia, they were too similar to each other. Lestat saw himself in Claudia and how Louis was so happy with Claudia. Louis never judged Claudia for eating humans. Louis wanted Claudia to have everything he couldn’t do or wouldn’t do. He (for a time) respected her choices. Claudia really loves Louis, she loves him so much that she wanted to save him from himself. Louis let Lestat do what he wanted, just like how a victim will agree with their abusive partner to keep the peace. Lestat was good at making such good promises to Louis, he whispered honey in Louis ears and he never did them. He was jealous of Claudia having Louis love and attention. He could handle that, so he went to Antoinette.

I’m really grateful with how the show kinda incorporates Louis being black to his situations, it’s very subtle, but you can pick up on it. Lestat could never understand how Louis being black in a very dangerous New Orleans contributed to some of his choices.

The whole fight scene was really graphic and so well down. Lestat had finally snapped because Louis was thinking about leaving him for real. Louis would talk about it, think about it, but he had no one to turn to. His family turned away from him, he doesn’t have his business, and Claudia was gone. I feel like Claudia gave him the courage to finally remove himself from Lestat. Claudia wanted to save Louis from his own abuser like she saved herself. The way Lestat dropped this man from the sky?! Then he comes back just like an abuser and tried to cover it up with gifts. “You are not cruel, Louis.” And he isn’t. Louis isn’t cruel, he’s a survivor. That’s why he’s so quick to deny that he’s Armand’s. He doesn’t wanna be someone else’s anymore, he knows what it’s like to be owned and shackled. He’s free and he doesn’t wanna be tied down.

There’s a whole lot else I wanna say but that’s another post. Thanks for listening to my TED talk.



[mobblespsycho100]

👍psychoanalyze ur kabru playlist now boy

yes I shall #1 boykisser... 🫡

ask game thing

anyway formatting the last post was kinda hell for me. which is why I'll do the same exact formatting for this one...

(rambling all over the place is commencing)

1. Valley of The Dolls by MARINA

baby. where do i freaking begin.

"In the valley of the dolls, we sleep" -> his adoptive mother, Milsiril, is a big fan of collecting dolls. Like, plushies of everything. She animates them to fight, but they're also there to soothe her. She also adopts a lot of children from short-lived races who don't have a family and she got allegations that she treats them all like her dolls lmao... I mean she kind of does in the sense that they're all precious to her. She does respect their autonomy but uhhh still living with such a doting and overbearing/overprotective mother makes u wanna break outta the dollhouse the cage . be free . hashtag transgenderism also gosh im getting off topic . anyway i bet Kabru slept with a lotta those dolls. in his comfy bed . that he left behind because hes not abt that life mama he wanna see the world and save it and get killed in dungeons. boy.

"Got a hole inside of me / Living with identities / That do not belong to me" -> Grouping these lyrics together because it makes sense for my twisted narrative i mean my very real and based takes. Anyway, he's got a hole inside of him the void in his heart (in his mind) and thats why. his autism and ptsd masking swag. thats as eloquent as i can put it. theres a lot more i can say though

"In my life, I got this far" -> He survived the tragedy of Utaya his hometown . the bloodbath because of the dungeon. It has to be for a purpose ™ . It's because he has to save the world from suffering the same fate and it's his burden to bear it's his purpose it was why he survived (the survivor's guilt... goodness man. trauma processing of all time. :[ )

"Now I'm ready for the last hoorah" -> boy . letting these panels speak for itself. putting it under the cut because spoilers for the peeps seeing this maintagged and they're not caught up with manga .

yeah boy hes falling. fallen. uhm. in the pit. Ready for the last hoorah in this case like. yeah 🤣 just leaving it up to laios (Liar . kabru and mithrun dungeon adventure speedrun)

"Dying like a shooting star" -> guy keeps dying. not even like a shooting star really. well. ig hes going out in style somewhat id getting crushed by Falin's chimera dragon claw counts as shooting star style

2. Lip Sinking by The Hoosiers

We all know Sash does not play about The Hoosiers which is why I have 26 damn The Hoosiers songs on there I should get awarded tbh .

Now Lip Sinking is really good because it's another one of those scammer / masking guy anthems i keep talking about. These lyrics in Verse 5 in particular is really easy to match to Kabru's character moment™ though, so let's break it down.

"I float above my body" -> Common depersonalization experience. For trauma reasons, Kabru probably feels like this a lot sometimes but specifically in this scene...

(apologies for no alt text peeps . but this is the friendship confession scene for those in the know if it hasnt loaded in yet)

anyway, back to the show (psychoanalyzing Kabru) . I think this disconnect with his words VS his thoughts and his heart is so real. Like. seeing urself out of ur body is again a depersonalization thing, and idk if hes feeling depersonalization in this moment specifically but he was really out of it and in a sort of , scrambled and intensely anxious state. His usually calm and cool persona slash facade is Crumbling and man he hates that .

"Must be out of my mind / Cos I watch myself / Getting it wrong everytime" -> He's like. man what the hell am I saying

letting the page speak for itself again because It's like. its there i mean its in tha text what am I supposed to dissect hes dissecting himself already 🤭😭 okay. 'What am I saying' 'I can't find the words' so true man idk what the hell im saying either rn

"I can't tell you how I'm really feeling" -> because he doesn't know his own emotions. He thinks he does, he has been so good at controlling them and like being fake about what he's truly feeling in his heart, adjusting his personality for others' sake. So they trust him, believe in him, listen to him. But for Laios, how does he even say anything? Before this, the words just spilling out, he didn't even know how he felt about Laios. It sounds ridiculous even to himself and that's why he clamps his mouth afterwards but indeed it Is what he was truly feeling all along... (and then Laios thinks he's lying and hes like "NO BITCH!!!? what?!!!?! im being vulnerable and honest rn?!?" )

"Cuz I'm just lip-syncing" -> for so long that's what he's been doing. lip syncing, saying things he doesn't really mean to influence others' perception of him... but this time his mouth moved faster than his mind racing with thoughts. that he's able to convey what he truly wanted all along and finally admit to himself and his own consciousness. like. aaaahgh. man hes so special to meeee....

bonus: the outro's lyrics is rlly good aha. he can finally say what he actually feels... he can be #real.

3. Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives

This one is . a lot of vibes I think.

"Are we allies or enemies? / This will be the death of me / This will be the death of me" -> He legit says this to Laios . like hes still wondering if they're allies or enemies . Technically he doesn't want them to be enemies. he's cautious but he knows Laios isn't really a bad guy but like, his mind just keeps fixating on Laios and the steps he takes to get the dungeon under control so. hes desperately trying to figure it out because goodness this guy is so. waugh

"All is fair in love and war, but I can't fight with you anymore / This will be the death of me" -> his mental conflict is sooo tasty to me. like . all is fair in love and war !!! any method is justifiable !!! means justifies the ends but also he understands that in the end he can't fully wrap his head around Laios' love of monsters but he knows that Laios will be the one to conquer the dungeon because he also loves his family. He can't fight with him anymore and he can't "kill" him anymore because somehow this man has wormed his way in. well, he never wanted him dead in the first place but I find that he often thinks about killing him to save humanity from his... well. freakishness (complimentary) (concerning sometimes) ;;; but in the end Kabru lets him go and is willing to trust and support Laios till the end ... also once again the repetitiveness of "this will be the death of me" because he's stressed as helll!!!!

"What happens now, do we have another go?" -> I think this is post-Marcille being talked down out of being dungeon lord . Kabru's probably like ok so now what. well. Laios goes its my turn with the dungeon lording 😭😭 (and shit goes down) (but its okay he got it covered)

"Do we bow out and take our seperate roads?" -> Now this is probably when they're (the whole gang) is like "WHERE'S LAIOS DID HE DIE?" no he lives guys its fine. and namari toshiro and kabru run at him in relief. wauh. and also ofc the whole people coming together to eat faligon meat and save Falin ... yippeee... so yeah they don't go seperate roads because Kabru is like yeah imma be Laios' pr manager . #royaladvisor . sticking with him fr fr

"I'll admit I had my doubts / But I want to be let in, not out / But I want to be let in, not out" -> again the repetition ... of him wanting to help. I've mostly been talking abt how this entire song is Kabru's conflicted thoughts @ Laios but this can also be Kabru lending a helping hand to Mithrun at the end of everything. Because he's the one to like help Mithrun realize that there is a purpose to living and like . new desires and ppl who care abt him... but also yeah Kabru "i want to be let in, not out" because he wants to help out Laios with running the new kingdom instead of being in the background again and being ignored ahhaa he wants to be friends for real (and maybe even . lovers. lets go gay people)

ANYWAYYY YEAH THATS THE END WOOOOO idk how to close this out. happy belated birthday kabru and ty juno for sending this in ajshjdhsb :33 ♡