#also look at that! since September after not writing since 2016

[thebumblecee]

Masterlist

Art one here

I made a masterlist to organise all my works.

I recommended reading the individual tags on each one before starting. I’ve tagged them thoroughly. All explicit unless stated otherwise. ✨

Carlos/TK (only)

Pace yourself for me - knife kink circus au

What hurts the most - jealous|TK

Just Like Heaven - au based on the film, teen/mature rating.

Tiny tastes of Tarlos - tiny little microfics

I’ve had you so many times (and somehow I want more) - nsfw prompt fulfillments

Something so wholesome - Carlos has to overcome his internalised homophobia

When I’m like this you’re the one I trust - break up era, bdsm, platonic D/s relationship. Angst. A lot of angst.

Sub|Carlos series:

How Do You Love - TK has to learn in his feet when Carlos subdrops in front of him.

Gonna please you every way I can - Carlos is punished for breaking the rules.

Carlos/TK/Mateo (only)

Educating Mateo - married Tarlos teach Mateo about BDSM

Carlos/TK/Other

I didn’t know I was starving till I tasted you - porn star au. Multiple pairings (because pornstars)

wishing to be the friction in your jeans - Billy Tyson, yes that one, cucking Carlos with TK

Enjoy, lovelies ✨

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

I haven’t read this section of Feeding Habits in probably 3 years & tell me how I wrote ALLLL of this before I watched Hannibal

The confessional smells rank, like rotting paper and expired cologne, its corners seedy with overuse. Scratches mar the fabric he rests his elbows on, like someone clawed into it while reliving their sins, track marks on the floor from a rainy day. He can’t imagine anyone else but him in this small box, caged in by the lattice, mumbling incoherent sins to the priest he hasn’t even committed. Stealing a set of glass eyeballs from a garage sale. Forgetting his wedding anniversary. Missing Easter Sunday mass to go whale watching. He doesn’t sign himself at the right times or speak at the right times or thank the priest at the right times. He lies when he’s asked if he’s lied since his last confession. He mentions nothing of drinking with Anya, of not saving the sheep or the bunnies even though he knew the outcome of their lives without finishing the program. Of being a wicked child, of knowing wicked children, of not knowing the difference between wickedness and innocence, and which one he learned first. He says his name is Luka. He works at a law firm. He’s married to a Harriet, a seamstress or a stock broker or an antiques trader—he doesn’t know. He likes golfing, parcheesi, drinking martinis on yachts. He’s never overindulged, he’s loyal to his woman, he wants three kids and a house with finished floors and no neighbours. He’s a good father, a gentle father, a careful father, no wickedness, just an empty shell of goodness, like a father should be. His father is retired, and visits him on weekends—they play checkers, paint birdhouses, keep a distance but toast with spirits he can’t pronounce. Everything is good—it’s all good, all good. That’s not a sin, the priest should say but they laugh—it’s good to be good. Children are good, marriage is good, fathers are good, everything an iteration of good. By the time his confession is over and he’s well on his way out of the church mumbling I am heartily sorry, he believes his lies are true—he’s absolved into someone new, Luka married to Harriet, three kids, an empty shell, dreamily stumbling through a house with finished floors that’s actually just the sidewalk until a woman passing by with two small children has to help him sit on the curb.

She asks if he needs something to drink, if he needs someone to call, and emerges with a half-empty bottle of sparkling water and a cell phone. She asks what’s wrong with his eye, and he doesn’t know what’s wrong with anything—with eyes, with children, with sins, with confessions, with baptisms, with orange juice, with madeleines, with wickedness, with practicing how long he can breathe underwater because he knows it’s possible just like walking on it.

One of the children, hair pulled into two plaits secured with pearlescent butterflies, pokes at her mother and asks if he’s crazy. Her mother shushes her at the same time her older sister shows him a cool trick she learned with a toy convertible. Its wheels whir. Lonan gasps. The girl says, “Even crazy people think I’m gifted,” and wheels the car again. People stop to watch. Church bells gong an elegy he’s sure he’s heard before. The woman’s sparkling water dribbles from his mouth and dampens his dress shirt. Sun eclipses his face and eats at his throat like a parasite, like it knows all the unclean things about him, a watcher, an eyeball, a scorching little thing that bullets through his neck like the tooth of a wolf. The woman shushes her children and asks if he’s got a health problem, a drug problem, any problem, and he could say yes to all three but instead keeps repeating I am heartily sorry, I am heartily sorry. And when she does call someone, no one he knows, he leans against the cool pavement, cranes his neck to the sky, and parts his lips so the sunlight fills his mouth.

[thepariahcontinuum]

MARZ Rising - Chapter 170: The End (Epilogue)

Okay, I've been holding off on getting emotional with my goodbye to this story and this extended AU but now's the time, so here it is:

I Started writing this story in March 2021, the fifth installment of a project which has been ongoing ever since I began posting The Downward Spiral in September of 2016…. Almost eight years of coming to a close here and I can only hope that I've done myself justice.

By coincidence it also transpired that I wrote this epilogue in the same week that the end of Rooster Teeth after twenty-one years was announced, something which made me want to work harder because this is now no longer just my send-off to the Spiral-Verse but also, as things stand to RWBY and Rooster Teeth as a whole. RWBY has been a big part of my life for these last eight years, it's the show that made me a writer and I can honestly say that my life would not look the same at all without it.

I also want to take a moment to thank every single reader who has enjoyed these stories, especially those who have left reviews and especially those few of you who have been here since the beginning.

There's also a very special thank you and goodbye I need to say here, it wouldn't feel right if I didn't: That is to the user @thesumosnipe who was the driving force to continue the Spiral-Verse beyond its' third installment, this story would literally not exist without him however he unfortunately passed away in 2022….Wish you could have been here for this.

This marks the end of an era, I'm at a point now where I want to move away from Fanfiction and begin posting my own original writing. Ideas are in place and will be taking shape in the near future.

I wish you all well now and in the future and as the late, great Monty Oum said "Keep moving forward"

FF Net

Ao3

[leclerc-s]

track 002. this is why we can't have nice things

─── ❝ here's a toast to my real friends, they don't care about the he said, she said ❞ ───

masterlist // previous // next

JULY 2016

daniel ricciardo living up to the name i see

carlos sainz who made max angry?

mae jones bold of you to assume it was one of us and not a reporter.

max verstappen one asked me if i agreed with those two. i said no. he got angry. i called him a fucking dick. i regret nothing.

daniel ricciardo had anyone checked up on her yet?

daphne jones i’m fine. everything is fine.

daniel ricciardo bullshit but whatever

mae jones it feels like i’m watching my parents fight.

daphne jones i’m fine, it’s not like i'm being called a snake and it feels like the entire world has turned against me. seriously, i’m fine

carlos sainz she’s lost it.

mae jones CARLOS! carlos sainz es la verdad (it's the truth)

daniel ricciardo would i got to jail for starting a fist fight with them? how do american politics work?

max verstappen i’m not sure but i’ll help.

daphne jones no. you two will do no such thing.

carlos sainz yes we will.

mae jones i can bail them out

daphne jones mae! stop encouraging this. mae jones but it’s so much fun

SEPTEMBER 2016

daphne jones we broke up.

daniel ricciardo sorry, do you need anything?

max verstappen you’re not sorry. what is it the teenagers say shoot your shot?

mae jones you are a teenager max max verstappen i meant the younger teenagers

daphne jones a nap and a bottle of fucking wine

daniel ricciardo i can help with wine, you’re on you own for the nap

daphne jones by the way, i’m performing after the us grand prix in october.

mae jones she drops that bomb and then just leaves? hello? we need answers?

OCTOBER 2016

liked by user81, user37, user16 and others

f1updates daphne jones preformed tonight at the circuit of the americas after the race earlier in the day. this marks the one-year anniversary since the eldest jones made her f1 debut. this also marks the singer’s first concert of the year since the end of her 1989 world tour. over 80,000 fans were in attendance and the superstar preformed some of her greatest hits including you belong with me, shake it off, and enchanted.

tagged daphnejones, f1, cota_official

view all comments

user27 🐍🐍🐍🐍

comment has been deleted by post creator

user56 gtfo with that bullshit.

user05 🐍🐍🐍🐍

comment has been deleted by post creator

user38 her tour flopped, it’s why she’s only preformed once this entire year

user72 or maybe the entire internet has been harassing her and she hasn’t felt mentally stable to preform? user68 friendly reminder that celebrities are people too. they have feelings like us and any other person.

user97 she looks stunning! despite everything happening she's glowing. am i curious why? yes. but she'll talk about it when she's ready.

user83 kim was right about her. she’s a snake.

comment has been deleted by post creator

user91 genuine question but why invite daphne jones? does she know anything about f1? or was it to sell tickets?

f1updates our best guess is that this was a marketing tool seeing as formula one isn’t as popular here in the states as it is in the rest of the world. daphne jones is a huge pop star and she would get the attention they need. she’s also close friends with max verstappen, carlos sainz, and daniel ricciardo.

user27 she’s trying to find a new f1 driver to sleep with. probably slept with half the grid by now. she needs to sleep around to be able to write music. she doesn’t sell without the men in her life.

comment has been deleted by post creator

f1updates we will not tolerate any bullying or hateful comments towards anyone posted on here, whether it be drivers or other celebrities. with that being said, we stand with daphne jones, if you don’t like that please unfollow and block. any further comments like this and you will be reported for harassment.

user58 daphne doesn't deserve the hate she is getting. props to f1updates for standing up for her, we aren't seeing a lot of that these days. f1updates this page was made to inform fans of f1 news not drama surrounding the drivers and their friends. we do not tolerate hate towards anyone

NOVEMBER 2016

mae jones max and i broke up. we thought you guys should be the first to know.

carlos sainz QUE? NO! POR QUE?

max verstappen some people grow apart carlos. it's that easy.

mae jones easy, right. max verstappen don't do this mae.

daniel ricciardo i feel like a child of divorce.

daphne jones i'm sorry that you two broke up. are you both okay?

mae jones the lie? yes. the truth? no. max verstappen no. daphne jones so if you two aren't fine they why did you two break up. mae jones reasons that neither of us wants to talk about

daniel ricciardo well if either of you two needs someone to talk to we're here.

carlos sainz i can't believe you two broke up. love is not real.

daniel ricciardo it seems like carlos' world is falling apart

carlos sainz no entiendes, i helped those two get together. i was like the baby with the arrows! mae jones he means cupid. when he's upset he forgets what words translate to. daphne jones we understood.

daniel ricciardo well now i won't be able to listen to EVOLution without crying.

max verstappen well how do you think i feel? mae jones i have to perform the songs on tour, how do you think i feel?

liked by user15, user09, user59

f1updates max verstappen and his girlfriend of a year and a half, mae jones, have broken up. do not make any assumptions as to why and give the two privacy. some of you are way too obsessed with their lives. (pictures acquired from mae's instagram, they have since been deleted.)

view all updates

user41 WHAT? THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT? BUT- THEY WERE SO CUTE

user15 romance is dead

user46 2016 has not been the year of the jones' sisters

user90 i would've committed war crimes for these two. she wrote an entire love album for him and now they're over? i can't believe this.

user09 as a fan of both jones' sisters this has not been our year. i'm in shambles.

user59 this was my last straw. i no longer believe in love.

FEBRUARY 2017

mae jones YOU TWO ARE FUCKING DATING? AND YOU SAID NOTHING? CALVIN? TOM? WERE THEY PR?

mae jones DAPHNE ALISON JONES! DANIEL JOSEPH RICCIARDO! ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONES ASSHOLES!

daniel ricciardo hello. how'd you find out?

mae jones I JUST SAW YOU TWO KISSING IN THE RED BULL GARAGE. THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HOW DID I FIND OUT? WERE YOU TWO JUST NEVER GOING TO TELL US? daniel ricciardo not never...just you know, when we felt like it max verstappen that's fair, we do spend way too much time together

daphne jones well what were you doing in the red bull garage 🤨?

mae jones VISITING MY FRIENDS AND CHRISTIAN! DO NOT USE EMOJIS ON ME RIGHT NOW DAPHNE!

max verstappen i saw this coming after austin last year, i figured it wasn't long. and then she dated other people and i sort of gave up hope.

carlos sainz i wanted to be cupid again. i had a plan and everything.

daniel ricciardo your time will come with someone else carlos.

mae jones how long?

daniel ricciardo september 28, 2016 max verstappen YOU WERE DATING IN SEPTEMBER? mae jones so the other two weren't pr? daphne jones tom was, the other one wasn't. daniel ricciardo i'll have you guys know i was secretly fighting with tom hiddleston for daphne and i came out on top! a win for australia! max verstappen she just said it was pr daniel ricciardo LET ME HAVE THIS VERSTAPPEN!

carlos sainz i can't believe this

max verstappen i know it was pr but you picked him? over tom hiddleston?

daniel ricciardo my enchanting personality won her over

mae jones to be fair i would pick daniel too. tom’s a sweetheart but daniel’s, you know, daniel.

carlos sainz when can i be cupid again? i want to set people up!

max verstappen are you single? you should not be invested in other people’s relationships this much.

mae jones i thought he was dating that girl, penelope.

carlos sainz 🤢 don’t ever say those words again. i would never.

daphne jones carlos unless the next words out of your mouth are ‘she’s like a sister to me’ don’t say anything

carlos sainz she’s my worst nightmare, i can’t stand her. i would never ever date her

daniel ricciardo screenshotting this for when you two start dating and i can make you look like an idiot.

max verstappen isn’t that every day?

carlos sainz i’m crashing into you at turn 1 the first chance i get

max verstappen i’d like to see you try

¡leclerc-s speaks! fear not people, a flashback to how we got here will be posted soon. please ignore the likes as they are not relevant to the story. it just looked too weird without anything down there (it’s just randomized numbers). i've also taken creative freedom with certain aspects of events that have unfolded. i didn't want to speak much about specific events so i've only skimmed over them. 2016 was truly not the year of the jones' sisters hence the mention of the mae x max break up.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[a-student-out-of-time]

5 Years Later

So...I admit I didn't really have anything big planned for today ^^;

But today- September 12th, 2024- is the 5th Anniversary of when A Student Out Of Time began. I started this blog based on a simple whim, after I'd completed playing 999 with a friend and read H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Out Of Time. I asked myself "Hey, what if Hajime went back in time and tried to prevent the Tragedy?"

Now, this wasn't the first story blog I'd ever written. I had a couple early ones that I'm a little too embarrassed to share or discuss, but my biggest one was The Starship Hope, which also began on a whim all the way back in 2018. I was on a walk through the second neighborhood I lived in back in California, and I asked myself "What if the V3 Cast were actually in space?"

While I still have some fondness for that one, I don't believe I really found my footing as a writer until we got deep into this one. I had a tendency to just write whatever sounded cool or I got a little too shippy about some things. Then I really sat down and started planning out arcs, and we built things up from there...

...And now here we are, five years later, and I'm still doing this. Not only that, it's become so much bigger than I ever thought it would. Early on, I had one anon tell me that they weren't convinced that this blog would never last, because story blogs like this never do. I still think about that person now, and I really have to thank them because that was when I decided I'd commit to it.

Thanks to that, I've met so many new friends, been introduced to great things, inspired others to pursue their own stories and creative ambitions, and we even have a whole set of pages on TV Tropes. Almost 1,200 have decided to follow me, and that's not even counting how many have read this story and simply not made their presence known. In short, it really has helped change my life.

It hasn't been easy, and there have been times where I've thought about quitting or deleting the whole thing. There have been some dark moments, some bad arcs, some ideas that didn't pan out as I'd hoped. But even so, I always took them as learning experiences and chose not to quit.

More importantly, I've helped inspire people to check out one of my favorite series of all time, I've given them a work they can enjoy, and all this has in turn helped me refine my own writing skills and figure out the sort of writer I hope to become one day. Seeing people enjoy what I do or just curious to hear what my thoughts are, it really does inspire me to keep going.

It's also so wild to see how much Danganronpa has evolved as a series in time since I started all this. I got involved in the DR Tumblr fandom back in early 2016, before Danganronpa 3 was even out yet. I remember how much we were clamoring for it and V3, how controversial their story decisions were, and how many people didn't want it to end. They wanted to tell their own stories and do their own spins on the concept, and that's how we got so many different fangans in so many mediums- other games, videos, instagram, fanfics, and some here on Tumblr.

Danganronpa Another, SDRA2, DR: Rebirth, Despair Time, Blowback, TheAfter, Rocky Restarts, DR Mauve, DR Lapse, Brave DR: Coward's Paradise, Eternal Endings, Shattered Hope, Heartless Deceit, Eden's Garden, Antebellum, and so many others.

I got into both Zero Escape and AI: The Somnium Files, both great series in their own right. And now we have another SC game on the way, The Hundred Line- Last Defense Academy, which looks pretty interesting too.

In short, it's been a long 5 years.

Do I plan to keep going? Uh, yeah. We're nearing the conclusion of Season 2, and I have many ideas for Season 3. I intend to keep doing this as long as I'm able and as long as people want me to, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

More than anything, I'm just happy people enjoy the work I do. The support I've received over this last half a decade have been nothing short of inspiring, and I'm glad that people are always happy to see me update no matter how long it's been.

My life has had many ups and downs in the time I've been doing this, but being able to look at all this and say that I helped create a community and inspired people to pursue their own ambitions? It makes it all worth it ^^

What happens when it does all eventually conclude? I wouldn't worry about it. I do have an ending idea in mind, but we're nowhere near that yet. Season 2 has had some of our best arcs so far, and I think Season 3 could even turn out to be even better, but I won't get too ahead of myself.

I'm glad I'm still doing this, and I'm glad for every single person who decided that this silly little Danganronpa fanfiction blog was worth their time to get invested in. When I get things together a bit more and I start publishing my own original stories, I hope you'll follow me on my journey there as well.

Thank you guys for everything!

Here's to another 5 years ^^

[notyouraryang0dd3ss]

Ok, I’ll guess I’ll just be the Hiddles anon. Lol since my hatred for her really geared up bc of her involvement with him.

Anyway. So wait. She cheated on Joe??? That’s like the third time she’s cheated, if I’m not mistaken.

She cheated on Calvin — or at least there was an overlap — with Tom Hiddleston. Then she insinuated in her shit music, that she used Tom as a rebound or cover bc she actually wanted Joe (she met them both around the same time at the Met Gala in 2016). And she used Joe to “prove” how private she really was bc she blamed Tom for their “romance” being so out there.

The man would travel between London and various places in America without a peep, but, sure, Jan.

Their breakup always cracks me up bc he was supposed to fly from LA to the east coast somewhere to meet back up with her. On her plane. They had paps on the tarmac in LA to show him getting on the plane. Then they had paps waiting with her on the east coast to catch them reuniting. Except when the plane landed no one got out. So she went and climbed onboard. A few minutes passed and she came stomping out of the plane mad as a hornet and shooed the paps away. Word got out that he decided after his awkward and uncomfortable appearance at ComicCon some time before that (when he literally said the words “Taylor Swift and I are in love” 🙄) that he didn’t want to be a part of this PR nightmare anymore. So he didn’t get on the plane. And to add insult to injury, it was said he left a small gift bag on one of the seats. Inside it? A self-help book for getting over narcissism. 🤣🤣🤣 He popped up like a week later in London near where he lived. Proving he can get around without anyone noticing him.

During this PRship is when I really got an idea of how she operates and controls her image. She has a three month plan: the “outing,” so to speak (pix on the rocks kissing with Hiddles), being seen out and about (them kissing and touring in time and other places), pix with his family (they walked on the beach near his mother’s home with his mother, sister, and young niece), and then her supporting her friends (they attended a Selena Gomez concert fighter….he looked like a dad accompanying his daughter and her friends 🤦🏽‍♀️). She also has scripts for what her partner is supposed to say. I’ve heard he kept them and he and his friends would sit around (after they broke up) and read them out loud and laugh their asses off at the terrible writing. It’s probably why he sounded so wooden and uncomfortable when he spoke about her during the, what I call, Snakebite of Summer 2016. The rumors were she was trying to get him to take her to the Emmys that September but he didn’t want to.

Anyway…yeah I have a lot of intel from those days 😂 (sorry for the long ass ask!)

hiddleswift lore? in MY inbox? in 2024? it’s more likely than you think! I love this rundown thank you for explaining it!

She’s cheated 3 times and she’s still the victim in all her music? HOW? And how the hell did she convince her fans too?

So she cheated on Calvin with Tom to get with…Joe? This is so manipulative. I hate feeling bad for men but she genuinely makes me feel bad for her exes. She’s awful. If he actually left the self help book, he’s so funny for that. It’s been 8 years and she still hasn’t changed.

Your analysis of her PR relationships is on point! I see the same thing happening with Kelce. With the release of this album it feels like she’s intentionally fizzling out their romance. The scripts make sense because all of her partners sound the same when talking about her. How miserable she must be knowing all the love her partners have for her is fabricated.

[detective-and-dreamer]

(last updated: September 3rd, 2024)

Hello! I'm Rachel (you can also call me Ray or Shay), they/she/he, and this is my Fallen London blog. Personal is @honeyed-ink.

I've technically been playing since 2010, but I dropped it between 2016-2024 and missed out on quite a bit. That being said, I'm not concerned about spoilers for the game or any others in the same universe, even though I haven't played those yet.

Feel free to message me here or ask for my discord, or to send calling cards to Lenora or Selina through the links in their names below. Emory can be reached through Nora; for any of my NPCs, just ask me directly and we'll figure something out.

Character info below!

PCs (and one sort-of PC):

Lenora V. Kenward, the Disarming Detective (she/her, #Lenora V. Kenward)

Lenora (or Nora to friends) came to the Neath in 1894 and soon threw herself headlong into solving a case of great personal importance, never allowing her career or relationships to fully distract her. Now that she has succeeded, she needs to figure out how to move forward with her life...

Ambition: Nemesis (finished! I do my best to tag spoilers but sometimes forget, and at this point her story has moved into a stage where it's not possible to fully avoid them.)

Profession: Consulting detective

Selina Beckett, the Wide-Eyed Dreamer (she/her, #Selina Beckett)

Selina arrived to the Neath in the fourth 1899, having been told of the city's many wondrous sights. It would have resulted in culture shock even if London was still on the Surface, but she's adjusting well. There's just the matter of the task she's been asked to complete at the Orphanage...

Ambition: Light Fingers

Profession: Music-hall Singer, eventual Silverer (Oneirotect)

Emory Hayes, the Resourceful Navigator (he/they, #Emory Hayes)

Emory (or sometimes Altan to immediate family) was born in the Neath and has been a zailor all their life - but certainly never a corsair, if the Admiralty's asking. He met Lenora when she requested assistance on a case and ended up being dragged on a thrilling chase halfway across the city. They quickly became friends with benefits, and eventually partners. Since Nora fears the Zee but has found herself needing to zail to various places, she gifted her yacht to Emory and has him take her wherever she needs to go. They've also started compiling as much knowledge as they can on Monstrous Anatomy.

Ambition: N/A

Profession: Monster-Hunter (Teratomancer)

NPCs:

Constance Statham, the Candid Columnist: (she/her, #Constance Statham) Lenora's somewhat inconvenient aunt, who raised her and Lucien following their parents' death at sea. She writes a gossip Society column for the Gazette and is a member of a lesbian polycule ladies' book club.

Lucien S. Kenward (no title yet): (he/him, #Lucien S. Kenward) Lenora's younger brother, a recent arrival to the Neath. He suffered some incident along the way that neither of them will speak of, and has amnesia as a result.

Aubrey Hayes, the Exuberant Rogue: (he/him, #The Exuberant Rogue) Emory's father, who moved to the Neath roughly a decade after London fell. An infamous pirate and duellist, but mostly just out to have fun.

Erdene, the Gilded Corsair: (she/her, #The Gilded Corsair) Emory's mother, a former urchin of Khan's Shadow turned pirate captain. Regularly seen dripping with stolen jewelry.

William Delaney, the Taciturn Explorer: (he/him, #The Taciturn Explorer) Aubrey's best friend, who came along with him to the Neath and has been doing his best to see every corner of it. Emory's honorary uncle and currently a member of their crew.

Khasar (no title yet): (they/he) Emory's reflection. Looks more monstrous than he does, but they're generally friendly. Often found in Parabolan waters or wandering in dream-cities or their ruins.

Evelyn Marlow (no title yet): (she/her) Chief gunner on a New Sequence ship. Joined roughly a decade ago, following an event that ended with her personality slightly eaten away by gant.

Some of Emory and Nora's other crew members can be found here.

Visual references for my main ocs can be found here, and other lore-related posts are tagged as #oc reference.

[secretlywritingstories]

Go out with a bang as it were | phan one shot

Summary: The cursor was mocking Dan as he was trying to work on his Terrible Influence Tour script and he kept getting distracted thinking about his life with Phil and the relationship to their audience. Until Phil shows up with water, steals his laptop, makes him faint and promises to love him for 100 years.

Tags: Established relationship, 2024!phan, domestic fluff, introspection, Terrible Influence Tour prep

Warnings: Brief fainting (he is okay!)

Word count: 3k

A/N: My 100th phanfic posted. First one I posted back in September 2016 (this one) and now we're here. Can you believe it? I certainly cannot. I could never have imagined I'd get here and have recieved so much love for my phanfics. It's a gift and I treasure it. Dan also decided to personally award me (as I see it) with my first ever Twitter notice when I was editing this.

Read below or on AO3

Dan was aware that his and Phil’s life felt a bit too much like a fanfic at times. He never felt it more keenly than when he had to sit down and write something that reflected their life.

Still, he liked to lean into the absurdity, fate and grandness of it all because there was nothing more lovely than romanticising stupid, silly parts of their life. And they did also have a frighteningly number of actual fanfictions written about them. It had been overwhelming at first but now they were veterans. They understood how fandoms worked. They’d always encouraged creation in their viewers and creative writing borrowing their likeness was no different.

He was quite sure that the number of the fics written had dropped during the hiatus. It was the natural cycle after all. In general, when less new content was coming out, there was less engagement in the belonging fandom. There were exceptions obviously, but it was still the rule.

It had happened with his and Phil’s audience too. They had anticipated it but it was still strange to see. 2018 had been the era of giving the audience what they wanted, absolutely committing to doing the most ever, so that Dan could take a step back and work on something else.

Something new. Solo projects.

Stepping back had never been about his love for Phil. Their relationship had never been for the audience. It was for them and they chose to share glimpses. The community they had created had been a crazy by-product through their shared passion and goofing off on camera. Just for the heck of it. Because they liked each other so much and it was easier doing something when they could look over and find each other’s eyes.

It was what Dan had missed the most during his solo tour. He’d kept Phil updated through messages and video calls, just to see each other’s faces but it hadn’t been the same. He had missed sharing the stage. And now he was going to have it again.

Their third joint tour was happening. It had felt surreal ever since they had come up with the idea. Even now, a month out from the announcement and so many venues sold out, it didn’t quite feel real. It wouldn’t feel real until they stood in front of their audience again.

The cursor was blinking at Dan, almost mocking him for how he could get all lost in his head but he couldn’t get it down on paper. He was trying to edit a monologue piece for the Terrible Influence tour and he’d decided that opening a new document would be a good idea. Let only the best bits carry over instead of overly nit-picking his existing script.

Phil came into the lounge, glasses at the very tip of his nose and pyjamas pants slouching as he walked. He was carrying two glasses of water, only it was the tall glasses that they’d used for the mukbang video.

“Dishwasher overloaded again?” Dan asked, as he sat up a little, adjusting his laptop in his lap before reaching out for one of the glasses. They were trying to maintain healthy habits to be in good enough shape to endure so many months of tour.

Phil just hummed before he plonked himself down at the other side of the sofa. He didn’t reach for his phone or his laptop. Just held his glass with two hands and slowly sipped.

Waiting for something.

No, waiting for Dan.

“I’m fine,” Dan insisted.

“You’re rewriting again,” Phil pointed out. “The first show is in less than a month.”

“Diamonds are made under pressure,” Dan said, staring at the cursor again. Blinking judgingly at him.

When he was in the zone, the cursor was his friend, it stayed a little black line just appearing after the words. The words that spilled from his fingertips as easy as breathing. He knew this shit. It was a show about them. It should be easy to write.

“It’s meant to be fun, you know,” Phil said and cocked his head just a little to the side. His blonde hair had a slight silver tint at the moment and it was growing out just enough to flop adorably. Phil would get a haircut before tour but he’d wait until they were closer to the first date.

“It is fun,” Dan said.

And it had been. Gaming videos, even though that was a very loose definition of the kind of videos that they were putting on the joint channel at the moment, were fun and easy. Outsourcing the most of the editing had been a weight off their shoulders and made it sustainable in the long term to have active channels. But big projects were something different.

It was Dan’s greatest joy and his greatest enemy. Because he felt like it had to be perfect, even though he knew no such a thing existed. He still wanted to strive for it, maybe because he was trying to capture that fanfic-worthy essence of how his and Phil’s life had fallen together like long-lost puzzle pieces.

They were embracing the moment and trying not to think too far ahead, mostly for Dan’s sake, but this time, it could actually be the last chance for a tour to see their audience. An audience that was really their audience now. No longer people who thought they were cool because they were British, tall, shippable and “popular” YouTubers. No, the ones still around now loved them for them and they were all a bunch of little weirdos, just like him and Phil.

Phil reached over and closed Dan’s laptop screen. He barely managed to pull his fingers back before they would have been snapped off.

“You want to cut my fingers off right before tour? You want to do tour with fingerless Dan?” Dan joked and shot Phil an accusing glare that carried no heat.

“No, your fingers are too essential. We can’t have them be gone,” Phil said and there was a glint in his eye that told Dan exactly down which kind of gutter Phil’s mind had disappeared into. It had been a while since they’d last done that.

But Dan didn’t rise to the bait. He tried to open his screen again, but Phil pushed it down once more.

“I can do this all day,” Dan said, attempting to open the screen again, just for Phil to shut it.

Again.

“Watch something with me,” Phil proposed. “Or we’ll be stuck here forever like that Syphilis guy.”

“Syh- PHIL, it’s Sisyphus! Syphilis is an STI!” Dan spoke with increasing volume and completely forgot about the computer in his lap. He was too busy staring at Phil in disbelief.

“Oh, my mistake.”

He was grinning. He was being a little shit on purpose.

“You said it wrong deliberately, didn’t you?”

“No? You know, I mess up my Greek mythology. That’s your nerdy area,” he said and he was a picture of innocence but Dan knew him too well. Just a tiny twitch of his left eye and it was enough to give away the lie.

“Don’t distract me with mythology, unless you want me to write a two-hour speech that ends up becoming the whole tour,” he threatened and wagged a finger in Phil’s face.

Phil, of course, simply tried to catch the finger with his teeth. His teeth actually graced Dan’s finger before he was able to pull it back without getting mauled.

“It doesn’t have to be that serious,” Phil said. “Just vibes.”

“It’s our lives,” Dan countered.

“Our lives are mostly vibes, if you think about it.”

Dan blinked at Phil several times. Worst part was that he was kind of right about it. He’d just put it so concisely that it was kind of annoying that he could be so poignant with so few words. Dan needed space to open up a discussion, arranging many words into sentences to make sure that he conveyed the right nuance.

Phil’s brain worked quite a bit differently.

“Fifteen years of vibes?” Dan asked, eyebrow raised, even as he tried to keep the smile off his face.

“It’ll be sixteen years when we’re on tour,” Phil corrected, and then he reached out to actually bop Dan on the nose. Clearly, it was just one of those impulse thoughts because he smiled so self-satisfied when Dan almost went cross-eyed trying to track the movement of his finger.

“Shut up,” he muttered.

“Yeah? Says the guy who got me a 100-day gift, and who made a point to figure out when we’d been together for 100 months too, now that I think about it. You could write about that? Your cute little thing about wanting numbers to be special. When will the next one be, when we’ve been together 100 years?”

Dan snorted. “You think we’ll get that old? Phil, our bodies will have fallen apart by then. We’re not getting to be 120 something.”

Phil shrugged, unbothered. “You never know. They could develop some kind of technology. We could just be floating brains in jars. Or like stretched-out like that lady from Doctor Who. Do you think we could reserve pods next to each other?”

Okay, Dan was taking back that part about Phil being poignant. His man was insane. Actually insane.

Even if his heart actually skipped a beat at the idea that even in some distant science fiction future, where they’d been turned into just skin or brains, Phil still wanted to make sure that they’d be next to each other. Obviously even in that scenario, they could not be separated.

“And be stuck with you for eternity while technology keeps us in some twisted kind of immortality? No thanks,” he said deadpan but his voice was too strained to be casual.

As he said it, he felt how his heart refused to fucking calm down. It was stupid. He knew Phil loved him. He knew Phil had chosen him again and again. It was their thing. They had gone through so much shit together that they wouldn’t let anything pull them apart. It was the long haul, and evidently also beyond mortal life, if Phil were to be believed.

But the reminder of that commitment never ceased to floor Dan. He’d not had a best friend for the first eighteen years of his life and now for the last fifteen, he’d had Phil. Phil who was his very best friend like he could never have dreamed, his favourite person in the whole wide world and the one person he always wanted to be around.

That was the kind of sentiment that he needed to capture for the monologue. Perhaps not that personal but to parrot Phil’s words, he should get the vibes of it at least.

He tried to open his laptop to grab the thought and get it down before it scurried away but he didn’t manage before Phil had evolved his tactic and snatched the whole laptop out of Dan’s hands.

“We’re watching anime, you still need a break,” Phil said, narrowing his eyes in a way that was perhaps meant to come off as threatening, but he just looked slightly constipated.

“I just need to get this down,” Dan insisted, jumping up from his sofa crease and trying to swipe the laptop out of Phil’s hands.

Only, he had probably been a little too overzealous and he’d once again forgotten that his stupid blood pressure and his stupid tall body liked to combine into a fainting nightmare.

“Oh, no,” was all he managed to say before he could feel himself falling forward.

His vision turned spotty and he was just in free-fall. He just had time enough to hope that he wasn’t going to hit their coffee table before he felt arms actually reach out to catch him.

Only to promptly continue falling while Phil was now yelping very loudly in his ear. It was enough to pull him back to the presence, even if his eyes took some more time to adjust.

They were on the floor.

“What happened?” Dan managed, trying to push himself up but feeling a little like his arms were jelly.

“You fainted again, idiot.”

“Thanks. I got that,” Dan said, dripping with sarcasm. “You caught me? Tried?”

“Tried being the opportune word here,” Phil said and he tried to sit up but he quickly gave up and just lied down on the floor sprawled out again when he realised it wasn’t easy to push Dan off him.

“You okay?” Dan asked, scrunching up his face and trying to make his eyes properly focus. He wanted to rub at his eyes but he knew that would only make the fussy sensation worse.

“You’re heavy,” Phil just said as a complaint, which Dan took to mean that he was actually fine.

“This is what happens when you try to steal my laptop,” Dan chastised and finally managed to push himself off of Phil. Only the prospect of actually standing up right now was a little daunting, so he ended up just rolling over to lie next to him. Now they were just both sprawled out on their backs net to each other.

“You need someone to steal your laptop every now and again,” Phil said and flopped his hand over so it hit Dan in the chest softly.

Phil was undoubtedly very right, but Dan wasn’t going to concede that right now. He wanted to tell Phil to shut up, get all whiny and annoying but really, he was a little too fucking emotional to commit to the bit right now.

“I hope we do make it to a hundred years of being together just so I can know I’ve gotten to annoy you for a whole ass century,” Dan said and tried to ignore how Phil had let his hand just rest on Dan’s chest after he’d playfully hit him.

It was a light weight, barely there, but it was resting right over his heart.

“An ass century?” Phil giggled.

He retaliated by trying to hit at Phil’s chest, mimicking what Phil had done to him. He’d planned to pull his hand back to himself but he found that his arm didn’t quite obey. His hand lingered, palm up, right on Phil’s chest.

Neither of them made a move to get up. Floor time was good after all. At least when it was this kind of spontaneous floor time and not the face-down existential dread kind. Phil was the one who pulled away that metaphorical laptop too, when he thought Dan had been down there for too long.

They probably made quite the picture right now. He wondered how it would have been described or pictured. It made Dan chuckle.

“What?” Phil asked softly.

Phil moved his hand a little, grabbing onto Dan’s old and soft T-shirt. The same shirt he’d grabbed hours ago when he’d pulled Dan into a lazy kiss good morning, which was really noon, because none of them could keep a normal sleep schedule unless forced.

“Just imagined if phan artists or phanfic writers could see us right now. Lying on the floor like this,” Dan said honestly.

Phil let out a thoughtful hum. “What’s sexy about fainting though?” he asked and pushed himself up into a sitting position, breaking the contact between them. “It’s just like super inconvenient.”

“It’s not about the sexiness and you very well know that,” Dan countered and found the strength to push himself up to sitting now that Phil had done it. It was always easier to do something when he had Phil doing the same right next to him.

Phil shot Dan a look.

“Sure, some of it’s about the sexiness, obviously, but it’s about the little moments too. The smallest moment can make a beautiful picture. What binds a good story together is the characters and how they care for each other or their surroundings. A story is nothing without that.”

“Must be why we’re so popular then,” Phil said with a completely serious face as he heaved himself off the floor. “But for now, let’s try to remember your fainting issue, so you don’t go out with a bang, yeah? Cracking your head open on the round marble coffee table would make a terrible end to our story.”

 Dan made an affronted noise at Phil’s even tone. “You wouldn’t even be sad?”

Phil rolled his eyes at him. “I’m the one that always dies, am I not?”

There had been a great deal of fic where Phil died. Dan had written one himself as well.

“No, that’s not allowed. You just told me you’re going to live until you’re 122. I’m going to hold you to that,” Dan said accepting the hand that Phil was extending, so he could get his ass off the floor. “A hundred years together, yeah?”

“Sure,” Phil said easily, as if it was something he could really promise.

Like the world would bend to his whims just because he’d said so. Like he believed so much in them that he trusted they would be together for as long as humanly possible and then even beyond that.

If anyone could manage it, then it would be Phil. It would hardly even be the strangest thing in their life. It would just be another curveball in the life of Dan and Phil.

“Seriously, let me just write a couple of notes and I’ll put away the laptop, yeah?” Dan said. “We’ll watch something together.”

Phil smiled like he had won and perhaps he had. But Dan had Phil, so he never really felt like he could lose in any way that mattered.

[foxes-that-run]

Meet me in the Hallway

His debut's opening track - first taste the world had of solo Harry Styles. MMIH drew a line under 1D, telling the listener to not expect a teen popstar. It's slow and is still one of his more vulnerable songs.

Inspiration

You can hear the influence of Pink Floyd's Breathe in MMIH. Harry has long listed Pink Floyd as an influence, and he has a tattoo for the Dark side of the Moon Album cover, of which Breathe is the opening track. On 29 September 2016, while finalising his first album, Harry gave a 10 song mix tape to Another Man, Breathe was the first song.

It likens love to addiction, and includes not communicating with his partner, similar to Fine Line and Clean. It also has similarities to Only Angel. It was later referenced by both Harry and Taylor's songs about each other.

When was it written

MMIH, Kiwi and Sweet Creature were the first songs written for the album, in LA between February and May 2016. MMIH and Kiwi are in this photo of the album taking shape from before Harry cut his hair for Dunkirk.

Live performances and emotional range

Harry hasn't played it live since July 2018, it has emotional range:

Taylor was in London, in Hampstead Health start of 2018. Harry writes Fine Line (Jan 2018) & Taylor - Cruel Summer (mid-2018).

9 March - Joe and Taylor look miserable in the US Joe hikes in dark jeans and nikes, and again in London April 8.

11 March - Harry's tour starts again and MMIH was particularly hard to perform. In Copenhagen 19 March 2018, he turned away and left:

23-30 June - Taylor 1 week break in the US, now both in the US.

1 July - He smirks in the same song and sings "Running with you" rather than thieves:

The next week, Taylor and Joe were uncharacteristically papped in Turks and Caicos. That night, Harry talked to a fan who fell in love to MMIH. He then broke up with Camille shortly after and wrote Cherry and Falling.

Lyrics

Meet me in the hallway Meet me in the hallway I just left the bedroom Give me some morphine Is there any more to do?

In Only Angel Harry sings about breaking a knuckle on her bedroom door, driven by hunger, here he is overwhelmed with sadness mixed with desire.

Hallways are mentioned in many Haylor songs

Harry and Taylor have stayed in the same hotel many times, when they dated they did in NY and have both attended many international awards, like the 2013 NRG awards in Cannes.

Harry likens his attraction to his muse as a heroin addition. Taylor later sang in Death by a thousand cuts Taylor refers to this "Gave up on me like I was a bad drug".

Taylor had previously likened getting over Harry to recovering from a drug addiction in the closing track of 1989, Clean. "Ten months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it / Ten months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it"

Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door Hoping you'll come around Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor Maybe we'll work it out I gotta get better, gotta get better I gotta get better, gotta get better I gotta get better, gotta get better And maybe we'll work it out

"Maybe we'll work it out" is almost a precursor to the chorus and end of Fine Line's uncertain "We'll be alright"

He's aware the person does not feel the same about him but is hoping that will change. Also similar to Fine Line, here is willing to be on the floor for her, whereas in the later Fine Line with great vulnerability he sings "I don't want to fight you / And I don't want to sleep in the dirt"

I walked the streets all day Running with the thieves Cause you left me in the hallway (Give me some more) Just take the pain away

Harry is lost and searching for a way to take his mind off his muse or find answers.

Taylor refers to this line in "Ready for it..?" "Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me / Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry"

In Saint Paul he changed this line to running with you and did the pointing up motion he has in medicine.

We don't talk about it It's something we don't do Cause once you go without it Nothing else will do

He sang this verse at the start of the tour 2017 - but not in 2018.

After pleading his love to take the pain away and be with him.

A theme in many of their songs reflect on the lack of communication:

In Fine Line Harry sings "Spreading you open / Is the only way of knowing you" to reflect that are drawn to each other but don't communicate:

In Message in a bottle, Two Ghosts and Sunflower Vol 6 Harry and Taylor are Tongue Tied

In Wish you would he 'Still doesn't know what [Taylor] never said'

They have spoken in interviews about song being the most amazing unspoken dialogue, that they can say things in song they can't to each other.

[rockyroadkylers]

2023 Writing Roundup

@hgejfmw-hgejhsf tagged me to do this, and @inexplicablymine actually did, too, a while back, so here we go!

i haven't written much this year- well, no, okay, that's a lie, in terms of word count i've written quite a lot, but in terms of how many fics i've posted, i don't have that many to share, here. but i'm pretty dang proud of what i do have!

May

I Will Soften Every Edge (I'll Do Better) - MCU, 6.6k, T

Tony Stark is unexpectedly thrust into parenthood when he discovers that Spider-Man is not only fourteen years old, but also his son. He's unsure how to proceed from there, until the Vulture destroys a ferry full of people and Tony learns something about his son that makes him reevaluate his own behavior. Gift for hold_our_destiny from my Fic Raffle on Tumblr.

October

It's Nice to Have a Friend - RWRB, 59k, 11 chapters, T

Two boys meet on a beach, build a sand castle, write letters, and fall in love.

November

After Everything, I Must Confess I Need You - RWRB, 5.8k, T

“Fuck,” he gasps, tears springing to his eyes and mixing with the rainwater on his face. He’s not sure if the tears are from the asphalt biting into his palms, or if it’s a release of the emotions he’s been trying to shove down deep ever since he woke up to an empty top bunk at the lake house. Wait. Asphalt. Over the pounding rain, Alex hears the shrill sound of a horn honking, and looks up just in time to be blinded by a pair of headlights coming straight at him. OR: When Alex dares Henry to tell him to leave, Henry actually does. Neither of them could have predicted what happens next.

Upcoming in 2024:

i picked the petals, he loves me not

canon divergence starting from the day Alex and Henry met in Rio, following an AU where Alex develops Hanahaki Disease from Henry asking Shaan to get rid of him.

currently untitled sequel to It's Nice to Have a Friend

Picking up where chapter ten left off (Alex and Henry finally getting together), the sequel will follow the boys as they navigate their new relationship through the ups and downs of long distance, therapy, school, and Ellen's 2016 presidential campaign.

This Love is Worth the Fight

a surprisingly highly-requested sequel to After Everything, I Must Confess I Need You. It will likely be another longfic, due to the amount of ideas I've made notes of, but I don't have anything concrete, yet.

1/124th of a second (credit to Beas for the genius title)

Actor!Henry, Photographer!Alex AU. Sort of an enemies to lovers premise. I won't actually be able to write this one until Mary and George comes out, I don't think, because the premise of it is Alex taking a job as the photographer taking pictures of Henry to promote his role as George Villiers in Mary and George, and he watches the show to prepare for the job, so I might need to be able to actually reference some of the scenes in order to write about Alex watching the show, lol. Other than that, this fic is entirely outlined, so it should be easy to write... once I have access to clips of the show for reference, pfft.

this has been fun to do! so much of the writing i've done this year has taken place over the last four months, that sometimes i forget i did any writing before the month of September 😂 but i did! and it's good writing, too, as hard as that is for me to remember, sometimes.

tagging: @matherines, @firenati0n, @affectionatelyrs, @anincompletelist, @littlemisskittentoes, @read-and-write-, @happiness-of-the-pursuit, @songliili, @wordsofhoneydew

[compacflt]

okay "normie median Biden voter ice" got me. That's funny. But also so true! It prob took him a bit to vote dem too (though I believe that Ice would have never voted for Trump). Would love to hear more thoughts on Ice and Mav's politics. Also the list of who they would have voted for if you're willing to share.

i do worry that posting my extremely in-depth headcanons about some of this stuff will have the JKR “wizard shit” effect on my writing and ruin it a little, but ask and ye shall receive

copy-pasted straight from my list of “unhinged compacflt!top gun headcanons” that ive been keeping since september: on ice & mav's politics

16. Since their friendship began, Ice has always told Maverick who to vote for, since Maverick doesn't care enough to pay attention to national politics. They are begrudging ConservaDems (conservative political views, would vote conservative every election if Republicans weren’t actively sending them to war/actively promoting fascism). Ice’s voting record (and after 1988, Mav’s too) 1980-2020—note that he has always considered himself an “educated moderate”: 1980: Reagan. 1984: Reagan. 1988: Bush. 1992: Bush. 1996: Clinton (reaction to aftermath of PGW. Doesn’t care that Clinton enacted DADT because “I’m not [redacted], so it doesn’t apply to me”). 2000: Gore (refusal to vote for another Bush). 2004: Kerry (Mav votes Bush this year out of spite as he and Ice are going through their break-up). 2008: McCain (Navy loyalty). 2012: Obama (liked him as a person/worked closely with him, didn’t like his policies so much). 2016: Clinton (no other alternative). 2020: Biden (actually liked/previously worked with Biden, and now actively married to another man and therefore had to make some liberal concessions). 2024-onwards they will vote for any Democrat as long as they aren’t a “socialist.”

17. Also, Maverick didn’t vote in 2016. Partially because in my universe the TGM mission takes place that November, very near the election, and he has bigger fish to fry (something Ice will later take him to task for), and partially because I genuinely think he wouldn’t be able to stomach either mainstream candidate and probably would’ve voted for Libertarian Gary Johnson, which might have torn his relationship with Ice to shreds a few days before schedule. “Are you fucking kidding me? Johnson? Pete, this moron’s moronic party wants to abolish the driver’s license—” / “—Yeah, and then I could ride your sweet wheels with no problem whatsoever—maybe he’ll abolish pilots’ licenses, too, I’d like to see that—” / “If you vote for Gary fucking Johnson, I will very happily stop footing the bill for your piece-of-shit airplane, and you can see how useful your pilot’s license is then—” / So Mav didn’t vote in 2016. 

35. In terms of what he Tweets: I do foresee, post-retirement, Ice basically becoming a neoliberal military intellectual type on Twitter a la Mark Hertling (look him up on Twitter). Bio: “Retired @SECNAV. Advisor @WhiteHouse and @VoteVets. Contributing writer @TheAtlantic. Interested in geopolitics & modern warfare. Aviator, husband, Padres fan. [American flag emoji]” Only posts pictures of himself and Maverick at three specific annual events: 1. their wedding anniversary (“36 years with this fool and he’s still surprised to find out that I like the F-5 better than the A-4 #happyanniversary”), 2. every EAA Airventure (huge airplane convention), 3. San Francisco’s Fleet Week (which of course they MUST attend, they even headline it in 2018). Informative, analytical, highly-respected. Maybe goes on CNN or NBC all the time to talk about civil-military relations shit (aversion to FOX since the start of the Iraq War). Gonna say he had like four really viral threads about Russia and Ukraine in April or May and so has 300k followers or something like that. He has a personal website that links back to his Twitter and every essay he writes for international publications, with a pretty braggadocious bio (something along the lines of “Tom Kazansky has directly almost started global nuclear war twice in his life, and in the thirty-year gap in between, sold the Swiss half their entire goddamn Air Force and directed an entire Fleet during the Iraq War”). Lots of tweets like “Military aviation hot take: Compared to the F-22, the F-35 is a waste of money. Source: husband with 400+ hours of F-35 experience.” / “[Quote tweet of Russian Foreign Minister boasting about Su-57 production lines] Oh, so you guys finally figured out how to make more than one every other year?” / “Analysis of the failure of Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Ukraine, from an ex-US Pacific Fleet Commander’s perspective: a short [thread emoji] [This thread gets 26k likes and 4k retweets]” / “This weekend my husband & I flew in to @EAA Oshkosh #OSH19 & took home first place for best P-51. Not to brag, but.” (A reply to this tweet: “Sir, you really know how to bury the lede that your husband is Adm. Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. I had to look it up on Wikipedia.” / @TKazansky: “What, was it not obvious? Who else could it have been?”) Also, I see him writing a whole bunch of op-eds for international political magazines a la Tom Nichols (look him up on Twitter too). Writing analyses of recent geopolitical/military events for the New York Times, the New Yorker, the Bulwark, the Navy Times, the Atlantic, Bellingcat, etc. Not so much focused on domestic issues (but VoteVets [socially progressive vets’ group] board member, and ardently pro-democracy, yay!). He’s a smart guy.

37. This is not a headcanon, just kind of a… a real-life implication. My Ice was Deputy Commander of Third Fleet in 2003, meaning he’d have been there in command of the USS Abraham Lincoln when President Bush gave his “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard that ship in May less than 2 months after the initial American invasion of Iraq. Very premature & embarrassing. Ice would’ve been in direct contact with Bush/Cheney/NSC bureaucrats many, many times during the war. I genuinely believe this is what pushed him over the edge into firm liberal territory.

[hpoelzig]

A Time for Godzilla Aficionados to Rejoice!

GOJIRA was premiered on November 3 in 1954, and that film’s release created one of the longest franchises in film history, which is now thriving vigorously. Directly inspired by Ray Harryhausen’s THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) and perhaps even the Fleischer Superman cartoon THE ARCTIC GIANT from 1942 (which also seems a bit of a plot source for the Harryhausen film), there have been periods wherein Toho Studios have gone on hiatus, and many years would pass before new Godzilla content would arise. Now a feast of daikaiju goodness makes it a particularly fine time for we Goji fans. The American LEGENDARY company has a successful MonsterVerse (including films, live action and animated series) with a sequel to their energetic GODZILLA v. KONG film due out in March of 2024, and a live action series about to be released on Apple’s streaming platform featuring the mysterious MONARCH agency—said to be enhanced for their upcoming augmented reality headsets. Toho last released a live action Godzilla film in 2016, SHIN GOJIRA, which artfully reimagined their great god-beast and lampooned Japan’s frustrating bureaucracy. Since then, two Toho animated series have been released which also reboot and rethink Godzilla: GODZILLA: PLANET OF THE MONSTERS and GODZILLA SINGULAR POINT. And Netflix has two seasons of PACIFIC RIM: THE BLACK as well as GAMERA: REBIRTH, coming in September—a glut of giant monsters is upon us!

At last, Toho has begun serious publicity for their new live action film GODZILLA: MINUS ONE, set to be released in Japan on November 3rd, and then, in US theaters on December 1st—a first time in the history of this franchise that a US release has so quickly followed the Japanese premiere. They dropped a poster and a teaser trailer less than a week ago, and over this past weekend an exhibition of materials concerning this film’s director, Takashi Yamazaki, opened. He writes, directs, and oversees and designs the special effects. It included a statue of his new Godzilla as well as a very sketchy storyboard amongst other bits of memorabilia from his other films.

Yamazaki has depicted Godzilla twice before in what amount to cameos. In his Always: Sunset on Third Street 2, Godzilla appears in a fantasy sequence, while in 2021 he directed Godzilla the Ride: Giant Monsters Ultimate Battle which features Godzilla, King Ghidorah, and Rodan. He has continuously evolved his depiction of Godzilla as a CGI creation, and the version in the about to be released film is quite closely based on his previous version—though with enlarged dorsal plates and added details. Yamazaki blends aspects of other Godzilla designs into his own, particularly from the Toho Heisei series, but also there are some aspects of Legendary’s version as well. 

Yamazaki had been rumored to be working on a Godzilla film, and Toho confirmed in late 2022 that it was happening, with a mysterious logo shaped like a G—that looked like it contained the shape of a new Godzilla—as well as the opening date, but they did not offer a title, poster, and teaser until about 5 days ago. Not long after the original confirmation and mysterious logo, a plot rumor emerged that suggested the film was set in the 1940s, after Japan had been nuked by the USA. Casting calls that astute fans discovered before this announcement confirmed that they were looking for actors who could be period correct. The rumor went on to suggest that the basic premise was that two Godzillas were to be used, one who was horribly burned by the nuclear strikes, and vengeful towards humans, while the other was unburned and thus more peaceful. The angry Godzilla was said to look much like the design from The Ride, while the other would have smoother skin, smaller dorsals and was described as somewhat “whale-like.” Also mentioned was that there would be a re-imagined version of Dr. Serizawa and his Oxygen Destroyer, both playing a major role in what was clearly emerging as a reboot entry into the series.

Back to the storyboard—Yamazaki must have selected it for inclusion in this public exhibition, and, if one enlarges it, one can see what looks like a sequence depicting both the angry Godzilla (Toho now calls him NegaGoji) as well as the peaceful one (I call it KujiraGoji) and the scene displays an ocean encounter with these two daikaiju as well as a small boat with three people (one wearing glasses). The plot rumor had mentioned a climactic scene wherein Dr. Serizawa, his sister, and a friend, use a small boat to take his Oxygen Destroyer to use on these two creatures who had been spotted together. So, the storyboard seems to be solid evidence confirming that detail of the plot rumor. Now, the rumor was early on and could have been derived from an early treatment or rough script produced by Yamazaki, so the actual film may have changed significantly since the rumor and the drawing of the storyboard. Yamazaki’s selecting this for exhibition seems like he might be having fun, hiding some significant aspect of the film in plain sight. His drawing is very loose and layered.

Below you can see the enlarged story board image—which is frankly almost Rorschach-esque. In my image I have outlined in magenta how Yamazaki has depicted NegaGoji (his exaggerated dorsal plates are clear), and I've outline in green KujiraGoji. It looks to me that Yamazaki has drawn an image wherein N-Goji might be following K-Goji underwater. He's overlayed this with eyes, which I suspect are notes to himself as to what eye expressions he's considering for the Gojis. I've outlined in orange the shot of the small boat by what I think is the submerged K-Goji, who one can see is drawn very differently from N-Goji, particularly with the lesser dorsals and the rather short arms and legs. The Goji by the boat is like the one above outlined in green. Of course you can easily see the images toward the bottom left that show three people in the boat, which is how the plot leak described the scene.

Whether or not the rumors, or what appears to be a pertinent story board, are actually indicators of the film to come, I’m certainly looking forward to Toho’s latest attempt to interpret Godzilla. Yamazaki has stated “In order to depict this, the staff and I have worked together to create a setting where Godzilla looks as if ‘fear’ itself is walking toward us, and despair is piled on top of despair.” That piques my interest! I quite enjoy the design and look forward to adding some new idols to my collection once the figures are released—and a number of them have been announced along with release dates. There is also supposedly an online Godzilla store in the works, to make it easier to sell Japanese merchandise to fans in the US. And plans are afoot for several viewings of the film in my local cinema accompanied by my fellow Gojira devotees. 

There have been some test-screening revelations about GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE, and I’ll be back to discuss those in another blog entry. 

It is indeed a good day to Hail Godzilla!

—Peter H. Gilmore

[neattequila]

HARRY’S STYLE EVOLUTION PART 2 (HS1 Era) by an actual stylist

First off, thanks for the love on part 1! It was truly, so fun to write. I have such a good time looking into Harry's style because it's something I've always kept my eye on throughout his and my own career. If you haven't read part 1, I definitely recommend it, as I'll be referencing some things from it. (Link to that is here.)

This is part 2, which is solo Harry, particularly during the making and tour of HS1 (2017-2018.) I just have TOO much to say about his style for it to be concise I'm so sorry lol.

Without further ado, let's get into it!

2017!

Harry's first official appearance after 1D is on October 6th, 2016, a dinner hosted to celebrate his trio of Another Man covers with Alister Mackie and Kris Van Assche. He wears a suit by Dior Homme.

To debut his single "Sing of the Times" on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show with Nick Grimshaw, he wears Gucci tartan trousers (left). He has a real Gucci tartan moment here. Also wearing a Gucci tartan suit to perform on Saturday Night Live (right.)

At this time, his personal style is still reminiscent of his late 1D style. He's still wearing black skinny jeans and the infamous YSL suede boots. He falls into a real short sleeve button-up/Hawaiian shirt kick here. Wearing it during Snl Promo (left) on Carpool Karaoke (middle) and a black open version at a New York Rangers game (right.)

On the day his solo album is released, he wears a tartan Vivien Westwood suit with Gucci loafers (left), and on the Today Show, he wears the GORGEOUS bespoke Edward Sexton bubblegum pink suit (right.)

At this point, Harry's worn a suit to basically every public appearance he's had since 1D broke up. This makes a lot of sense. He's starting his solo career and wants to be taken seriously. What's more serious than a suit? They're often brilliantly patterned or in bright colors. Showing his fans and the world that he's still the flamboyant, bright, charming person they knew in 1D but evolved. Older now, no longer in a boyband but a Man Band, as he himself puts it.

Harry wears these Gucci wide-leg trousers with dragon detailing on the leg several times. I personally love this look. He wears a pink version (left) at his first solo show at the Garage, a brown version (right,) to perform at a Sirius XM event, he also wears a similar one to perform on the Graham Norton Show. Middle, he wears a Gucci suit with Roker boots on the James Cordon show.

Also, on James Corden's show (sorry lol) he wears the same Roker boots and this dark emerald green VELVET suit by Saint Laurent that I'm absolutely obsessed with and feel like we did not give her her moment (left.)

He's also doing Dunkirk promo at this time and typically dresses much subtler for those appearances than he does to promote his own music. It makes sense he's not trying to command the spotlight at these press events, instead opting to seem more like an ensemble player. For the French premiere of Dunkirk, he wears a suit by Prada and Roker boots.

In another Late Late show appearance (he does so many during this time), he wears this Loverboy jumpsuit by Charles Jeffery (left), and on an Elvis Duran appearance, he wears a button down with art that mimics his tattoos by Stella McCartney, along with black skinny jeans and Calvin Klein boots (right.)

In September of 2017, his official Live on Tour starts in San Francisco, and he wears a floral printed suit by Gucci (left.) Later he will wear a similarly patterned floral Gucci suit to perform at Radio City Music Hall (right.)

At the iHeartRadio music festival, he wears a harlequin Gucci suit (left), and later in Sydney, Australia, at the Aria awards, he'll wear one of my favorite suits. An Alexander McQueen suit paired with gold Roker boots.

At this point, it's clear that Harry's love affair with Gucci has started he won't become the frontman of the Memoire d’une Odeur Gucci fragrance until 2019, but he definitely has some affiliation with the brand. I'm sure they're sending him pieces and working with him closely. It's unclear if this is spurred on by Harry Lambert or if Harry Styles and Alessandro Michele are friends yet, but regardless, he wears Gucci more than any other designer at this point, and Gucci will go on to supply a lot of the suits he wears during the tour.

At the 2017 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Harry performs wearing two suits. First is a light blue suit (left), and later, he changes into a black suit with velvet details and a pink undershirt (right.)

2018!

Harry will wear A LOT of suits during the Live on Tour tour (those were the days, huh,) and in a bit, I'll go over some of my favorites. (If you want to see all of them, that can be found here,) but first, I want to talk about his personal style.

We see him starting to move away from skinny jeans and opting for more expressive pants. In the picture on the right, he wears the first Bode piece I believe we ever see him wear! This fits the culture of the time as we as a public begin to move farther and farther away from skinny jeans.

He's not back to adorning himself in vintage t-shirts quite yet (we'll get more into that during his Fine Line era.) But there is a noticeable difference in his style, for sure. He's much trendier than he was before, and much like how his style evolved when he was hanging out with Nick Grimshaw and co, I do think part of this style change is due to his relationship with Camille Rowe.

Harry and her were first linked in July of 2017 and have assumedly been dating for several months at this time. It makes sense that he'd be gaining some of her style from osmosis. Later he'll even admit himself, "There's a piece of you in how I dress."

We'll get more into this during his Fine Line era, as that's when he starts dressing A LOT more like her, but I do think there is a noticeable shift in 2018.

As mentioned before Harry wears A LOT of suits during this time and though I genuinely do have an opinion on every single one of them, there's just not the time. So below, I'll highlight some of my favorites.

Left Harry performs at the We Can Survive Benefit in Hollywood in a custom Stella McCartney suit. Right he wears the infamous ensemble by Harris Reed (I went to university with them and am totally not jealous at all) on tour in Amsterdam.

One of the best things about the Live on Tour suits was that there really was a sense that outfits were picked for specific places.

In Glasglow, Scotland, he wears a kilt (left) from London outfitters Highland Store. When performing in Mexico city (right) he wears a suit with embroidery and right sparkly fringe (one of my favorites he'll ever wear.)

In Bologna, he wears one of my favorite Gucci suits.

That's it for part 2! Fine Line era is next, and you better strap yourselves in for that one because I have. LITERALLY SO MUCH TO SAY!

Thank you sm for reading! <3

[drops-of-moonlights]

Would you be able to provide an abridged retelling of the most significant years in the Winx fandom? Been interested in just how much of a shitshow this franchise has been as of late.

SO I've been like Actually In The Fandom since 2011 and after 12 years my memory's not the best, but people are free to add or correct anything I missed or got wrong lmao. I'll only be covering what I remember from interacting with others, the TRUE OG shitshow from the first 4 seasons is not something I'm as knowledgeable. I'm also not gonna name anyone in particular, just because that's like, the polite thing to do.

2011 itself was a Moment, as the Specials were coming out and with them a resurgence of the Dub Wars in full, Nick coming in as a new contender. Nick using Aisha's original name caused its own set of issues because people both thought they changed her name for no reason and because people argued that calling her Layla still was Wrong And Bad and they should stop, which like. yeah.

2012 is S5's debut. I feel that's self-explanatory enough. 2013 carried on with that as the season progressed, and it was also the time of the Transformation Wars -or more accurately, the Enchantix vs Everything Else War. If you didn't like Enchantix above all else you were invalid and wrong and other such synonyms, essentially, especially after Sirenix's official release.

2014 came with S6 (which has its own issues), but what I want to touch on is that 2014 came with the Couture artstyle. This marked the first official foray into the whitewashing of the Winx, though few people paid attention to it (that I saw, anyways).

2015 was S7's debut. This is also I feel self-explanatory enough. SURPRISINGLY I remember people PRAISING S7 at the time? which is weird as hell? But anyways, 2015 was the first time people noticed the Couture artstyle significantly whitewashing the Winx. This also was the time of the announcement of WOW.

2016 and 2017 I'll group together as it was the time WOW aired, and the full start of the Whitewashing debacle. It was the height of the whitewashing denial too, with people not seeing the issue with the Winx looking lighter (and some agreeing with them being lighter, even!) and coupled with WOW's mixed reception it was just Not a good time overall.

2018 reached another point in the Whitewashing as we got our first teasers for S8, which not only kept the whitewashing but also drastically changed the artstyle, more than WOW did. 2019 was S8's proper debut and it was, for a bit, a time of uncertainty, as during S8's airing Rainbow had seemed to indicate that the franchise was over (more notably, the renovations of Rainbow Magicland, which was primarily Winx-themed, removing Alfea Castle).

AND THEN ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY S8 AIRS ITS FINAL EPISODE WE GET FATE'S CONFIRMATION AND CASTING. September 17th was a day.

2020, 2021 and 2022 are what I'd call the Fate Era, as that was the primary part of the franchise at the time and I feel we're all familiar with its discourse, but the main points were the further whitewashing of Musa and Flora (as Terra is pretty much Flora), the show itself being bad with its multiple writing and costume choices, and just what it caused was. yeah. THANKFULLY IT'S DEAD NOW.

It was during this time that we got the full confirmation of S9 being a reboot, and now we're all just. waiting to see what comes out of that. AT THE VERY LEAST THEY AREN'T WHITEWASHED ANYMORE small mercies.

[trumpetnista]

CMW2/Trumpetnista: Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

Hi, everyone! It's been a long time. I want to let you all know that I'm okay. I know that proof of me still being around has been here since I still do my weekly Wednesday posts and calendar posts. I also updated my Profile after I turned 30 (holy shit, I’m 30! I’ve been on here since 2010!) but I haven't posted like this in a very long time. I still love writing and that my stories haven't been abandoned despite what it looks like. Things in my life have changed significantly, which I’m finally ready to go into detail about for myself and for people who have been wondering what happened to me, if there are even people who were wondering to begin with. I hope so. This is a very long post so I’m gonna put a READ MORE after the lighthearted part so you guys don’t have to read a wall of pretty grim text. TLDR: despite many, many things that have changed in my life, I’ll be returning to writing on FFN, AO3 (when it gets fixed), and posting chapters/fics from there here very soon. I’m making this post to help me keep this promise. I’ll be updating stories, finishing stories, and writing new ones so if you’re interested, please stick around on here, follow me on FFN/AO3 (CMW2), and on Twitter (Trumpetnista) to stay up to date. Thanks for all the years of support and friendship. I love you all. Have a good one!

REASON FOR MY ABSENCE #1: In September 2022, I had a psychotic break and I was hospitalized for a week. At the time, I was drinking heavily and vaping cannabis to the point of addiction and lung damage. The vaping started as pain management for fibromyalgia but quickly snowballed into self medicating. During my time in the hospital, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 which is Bipolar with Mania, which explains so much. It explains a lot of my behavior as a child that I was shamed and punished for. It explains how I approach my relationships with my family and the few friends I have online and IRL. Most of all, it explains my way of approaching fandom. It explains a lot about where my previous energy came from when it came to producing content. 

I was not only genuinely passionate about my fandoms and ships (which I still am!) but looking back on things, a lot of the time, I was in Mania and I didn't have the meds or the professional mental support I needed. I knew that I had depression and anxiety. I knew that I struggled and still struggle with suicide ideation. I knew that fibromyalgia had a negative effect on my mental health and cited that as the reason for my writing slowing down, which I explained in my previous MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR on my FFN profile, which I’ll be updating with this first part of this text post for my friends/readers on there but I didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew something wasn’t right in my head but I wrote it off as what I just listed above and as another effect of the grief I felt from losing one of my baby sisters from brain cancer in 2016. Fortunately, I already had a therapist and a psychiatrist so it was only a matter of finding the correct medications and adjusting my cognitive behavior therapy to deal with my condition.

I used writing as a way to vent about what I was frustrated about in fandom and in real life (which you probably already knew from my patented rambling Author’s Notes, LMAO!) and as escapism, which is good in moderation. I didn’t have any moderation so I stopped altogether. Now that my treatment is going well and I’ve learned to have middle gears instead going from 0 to 100, I want to return to writing. It’s still a coping mechanism for the chaos in my life but it’s no longer a crutch. Plus, I really want to finish/update some of my stories that haven’t been touched for years at this point. I also have new ideas for old fandoms that I’ve returned to, new fandoms, and ideas for impending content. 

REASON #2 FOR MY ABSENCE: I have been in the process of deprogramming myself from being raised in a Cult. From the age of 8 to when the pandemic hit, I was part of the Jehovah's Witnesses. You'd never know it through my writing/tweeting or how I behaved when I was in my later years of schooling/with my fandom friends, which I'll get back to in a minute. 

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that what I was learning and doing was wrong. For every thing that made sense, there were several things that didn’t. Plus, my social anxiety made the preaching work that JWs are known for downright unbearable to do to the point of me stopping except for the bare minimum. I didn't get solid proof that what I believed was wrong until my older sister and almost all of my younger siblings left in 2020. When I asked them why, I found out about the long time corruption in highest parts of the organization. There's greed, fraud, and large scale emotional manipulation through teachings, not from the Bible but teachings that came from propaganda. Typical Cult things. I was very upset but willing to learn more because like I said, deep down, I had a feeling that how I was living was wrong. What was my breaking point, what made me immediately leave without looking back, was finding out just how they feel about the safety of children from predators. 

I watched To Catch a Predator Live when I was a child and ever since, I've had a zero tolerance for people who manipulate and abuse children for their own gratification. I have even less tolerance for those who cover for them instead of turning them in to the proper authorities. Naively, I thought that the sort of behavior that's been exposed in other religions/Cults wasn't a part of the Jehovah's Witnesses but I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. They indoctrinate those inside to forgive those who have done the heinous things because God demands it. For those outside, they just have really good PR in North America to keep their sickening ways mostly under wraps (which is thankfully changing to catch up with other regions) and a lot of those victimized by the Cult are shamed/threatened into silence whether they leave or not. Those who speak out after leaving are dismissed as nothing more than apostates. 

It's not apostasy. It's The Truth, which ironically is what the witnesses call their teachings. People inside aren't rebelling and leaving just to cause trouble. It’s not “an attack on God’s People from Satan’s System of Things”. People are realizing that they've been manipulated and are escaping from a toxic environment, even when it costs them so many relationships, familial and social. 

The only sibling that remains in the Cult is my autistic sister and I’m working on finding a way to get her out without destroying her mental health in the process. She is thoroughly indoctrinated and even in the face of all the evidence, I’m unsure if she’d actually listen. She may dismiss it all as apostasy and cut all of us off or she may become so devastated that her life would be in danger. She’s 24 years old and despite how our parents treat her, she’s not a baby nor is she stupid. She loves to do deep research on the things that interest her and the Cult is part of that. Eventually, she’ll stumble upon the information the rest of us have and she’ll have to make a decision. I’m hoping for the best but I’m prepared to get her through the worst. I’m not just her big sister, I’m her Caregiver and I will do my best to get her through when the time comes.

Another major thing that made me walk away from the JWs was the blatant homophobia. Even when I considered myself one of them, I never understood why they were so hateful and judgemental towards those who are part of The Alphabet. For as much they preached about showing love to all people, I didn't understand why they put such a big asterisk. I didn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense. I hated hearing their views. I didn’t agree with them, even when I displayed ignorance, so I made a point not to behave like that in my interactions with LGBTQ+ individuals. I wanted to be a geuninely good person. I wanted to support my friends and family that trusted me enough to come out to me. I even said when they asked why I wasn’t cutting them off and I quote: “as many things that are wrong with me, I have no business judging anyone else.” 

Plus, I myself am bisexual (and demisexual). I am. I am part of The Alphabet and I will no longer feel ashamed or embarassed about my identity. JWs are homophobic and it’s paired with purity culture so for years and years, I felt confused. I felt unnatural. I felt guilty. I felt like I had to hide who I was. I never want to feel that way again. Learning that the JWs were a Cult and just as corrupt as the other organized religions I wanted nothing to do with was my way out and my way Out. 

I am free and even though it’s been difficult at times, I am so glad that I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not to please people who genuinely don’t give a shit about me. I’m being who I’ve always been online and in fandom from the age of 15. I’m being the person I was at school back in 2007-2011, who was the true me. A lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses kids give themselves the freedom to be themselves at school, which the Cult calls ‘living a double life’.

What’s made things easier for me in my deprogramming journey is that I’m not starting from scratch. I am so grateful for that. I’m grateful that I had people outside of the bubble I was in during junior high-high school to show me reality. I’m grateful that I had people to push me to do normal things like NHS and both sitdown and marching band. I’m grateful that I had people who accepted me for who I really was, even when I occaisonally felt guilty for my behavior. Ironically, the fictional worlds and fandom culture with attached friendships that I’ve been a part of this whole time prepared me for my current reality. 

I still struggle with things like celebrating my birthday but I’m in a much better place than a lot of former JWs. I didn’t have any close friends in the Cult and the people in charge left me alone. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities and I wasn’t held up as an example for people to follow. All I had to do was stop going to meetings and preaching (which was such a relief to let go of) before telling my immediate family, which was the only fear I had. I was afraid of losing them because the doctrine says that you’re supposed to cut off people who leave, even if they’re family. I already went into detail about my siblings and their relationship with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even though one of them is still involved, the bond between us all is stronger than the doctrine. I’m so happy to be able to say that. Not many people who leave can.

Now, let’s talk about my parents who have accepted the fact that most of us are Gone but I want to talk about them anyway because it factors into what’s going on with me. 

Plus, as you’ve picked up by now, this post is both an announcement to friends/followers and the first of likely many journal entries. The majority of the journal entries are gonna be private with READ MOREs and DNIs so you can avoid them because they’re gonna be pretty grim 98% of the time. 

My father has been a staunch believer for decades but recently, his health has taken a turn for the worse. In March 2023, he had complications from undiagnosed congestive heart failure. After being treated, he was transferred to a nursing home that neglected him to the point of him getting bedsores. One of the bedsores became a nasty open wound due to him being diabetic, leading to him needing a colostomy bag to prevent the wound from being infected further. He is currently bedbound and some of the procedures he’s gone through to save his life have gone directly against the JWs doctrines. Blood transfusions are against the doctrine but my mother has given him blood to save his life. Not to mention that very few people who claimed to be his friends have actually visited him in the facilities he’s been in. And those very few people have no idea about the blood transfusions because if they did, it’s likely that they’d heavily condemn him for accepting them. All he has at the end of the day is us.

Ideally, this situation would be a wake up call but my father is a narcissist. He’s never been able to admit when he’s wrong and there’s also the sunken cost fallacy. The JWs got into contact with him and my mother in the 80s and they’ve structured their whole lives around the doctrine. They gave him a family and a Community he lacked due to a bad childhood with a shitty mother in name only, no father, and a delinquent younger brother. They latched onto his vulnerability and gave him purpose. They also provided him with a steady source of people for him to be a narcissist with because for every person he’s alienated, inside and outside the Cult, there have been plenty of people to replace them. Accepting that the Witnesses are corrupt means admitting that he was wrong this whole time. It means that he’d have to accept that he as the Provider failed his wife and children in the worst way. It means that he’d have to be humble and get actual help for his years of trauma plus his narcissism. From what I’ve seen and heard over the years, it’s clear that he would rather die than do that. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

My mother’s situation is different. She is physically disabled and has been for years. She is diabetic and she is morbidly obese, as was my father before his recent illness. She’s been in a codependent relationship with my father for over 40 years and she is also a narcissist. It’s a hell of a combination. She’s basically followed my father’s lead this whole time while eventually alienating people, leaving her circle of friends to those within the Cult. I would have the same resignation for her that I have for my father, except for one major thing. Thanks to Ancestry. com, my older sister found her birth mother who had been looking for her for years. She’s gone from being an only child orphan to having a mother again and she now is the oldest of 5 siblings and counting. None of them have any connection to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and never have. They had normal lives with normal childhoods. Most of all, all of them are showing her unconditional love, which is something that she’s never experienced before. Not from her adoptive parents. Not from my father. Not from anyone. 

My mother has not only been given a family outside the one she created with my father (and we all love her dearly. We really do, even with our ongoing frustrations with her...) but she has been given a way out of the Cult. She’s no longer isolated. Plus, Dad falling ill so quickly has forced her out of the bubble she’s been in since she stopped working back in 1999. She was told to stay home and raise us, which she honestly did not do. While Dad was at work, she shifted the day to day parenting responsibilities of the younger kids to myself and my older sister. Another thing that’s forcing her out of the bubble is all of us enforcing boundaries against her narcissism and learned helplessness. 

We love her dearly but we are tired. Dad getting sick has shaken up all of our worlds. We emphasize with her but it’s come to a point where we can’t take much more, which is where her family comes in. Them being outside of the situation provides perspective that we haven’t been able to have. Through that perspective and the love that all of them are showing her, Mom is slowly (and I do mean slowly...) reaching out for professional help for her years of trauma. She has a therapist now and hopefully, that will lead to a psychiatrist that will give her proper medication because I am 98% sure that she is Bipolar as well. A lot of her behavior mirrors mine from before I was diagnosed and it had to come from somewhere.

In the process of getting professional help, through connecting with her biological family, and while dealing with what’s happened to Dad, I believe that she’s breaking away from the JWs. I honestly think that the only reason she’s stayed as long as she has is because she was following Dad’s lead. She may believe herself but since he’s been hospitalized, she has stopped going to the meetings. She’s stopped preaching and she’s been giving Dad blood, which again is directly against the JW’s doctrine. If she truly believed, she wouldn’t have done it. At least that’s the way I’m looking at things. I hope I’m right.

To wrap this post up and to give a TL:DR, I just want to say that my return to writing is a part of my healing journey. And my return to writing is for Me. I’m truly putting myself first for the first time in my life and part of putting myself first is giving myself permission to fully enjoy the things I love without guilt or hesitation. Thank you for reading. 

[babs-zone]

a covid conscious road trip diary

los angeles to portland and back, no viruses allowed | april 2023

by babs ✨

hi yes good to be back n writing here on tumblr dot com, and what better place to start than with a little joy? in this series (a companion guide to my tiktok vlogs) i'm going to share how my partner and i traveled from LA to PDX and back without contracting the novel coronavirus.

click here for the full playlist on tiktok. click here for the above video.

⏤

who this is for:

people still using mitigation against SARS-CoV-2 looking for ways to get out and have a lil adventure without throwing caution to the winds

people who stopped using mitigation and are tired of getting sick

people who stopped using mitigation and want to start again

anyone else that finds it interesting ;)))

who this is not for:

people who don't think SARS-CoV-2 is a big deal and don't care to have an open conversation about why that is

people who want to police others behavior— i understand that we may not always see eye to eye, make exactly the same choices, etc, but there is a way to have those conversations while still acknowledging the reality that i have never knowingly been infected with SARS-CoV-2; while there's no accounting for luck, there's got to be something to what i'm doing

on that note, let's talk about my covid reality so we have a baseline knowledge of where i'm coming from:

29 / have fairly stable lupus and sjogrens syndrome / white (ashkenazi background is the lineage to carry the autoimmune diseases with 3 known cases in my fam) / (F) on medical charts but she/they to y'all tytyty / queer

my most *acutely* debilitating recurrent symptom is head and facial pain, which can be (though isn't always) triggered by mask wearing. i experienced this pain prior to the pandemic, but as time has gone on, i've had multiple episodes of pain directly connected to the pressure of a mask on my nose/sinus area (kind of in the same place as the malar rash), that extends into my eyes, up/over/around my skull, and into the clothes-hanger area of my bag, which can then in turn irritate my ribs (though not always, chronically ill people know how these things can cascade). this pain leaves me with intense sensory sensitivity (so in the dark, quiet, unable to do a lot of things), and can also include vomiting. for this reason, i try to spend as much time outside as possible.

10a-6p day job in communications where i work in person ~twice weekly at minimum (gotta Make Content and photos), as well as freelance photography, so my work is hybrid. in 2021 when i returned to work after i got vaccinated, i was still working the same food service job i'd been at since 2016. i ultimately quit that job in september of 2021 when i wasn't able to take enough time off to safely travel to photograph a wedding i'd committed to (driving takes way longer than flying), but had that not happened, i could've easily continued in that position despite the risk, as i'd structured my freelancing around that service job.

polyamorous and live with 2/3 of my partners (one works hybrid, one in service so all in-person), but we all have our own bedroom (even if we sleep in each others sometimes)

our household is in a pod with our other partners' household, which is three people in two bedrooms, all of whom work from home

my entire pod masks indoors outside of our homes unless the environment is intentionally controlled (prior testing, planning, etc); this has been a basic rule of thumb that has not changed the entire pandemic

a few of us, myself included, have access to tests through our jobs, so my household ~usually~ gets two PCRs and two RATs per week

both households have at least one HEPA filter (though all the filters need changing ngl)

both households have one aranet4 CO2 monitors, which is passed around based on need

we've had two covid positives in the pod: separate incidents, both in 2022, where both individuals were successfully isolated before further spread. blessedly, no longcovid symptoms from either of them.

so going into this trip, we brought

a good plan based on the swiss cheese model (above)

lots of different kinds of masks, as switching up the way pressure hits on my face can mean longer time able to mask

a bunch of covid tests

that's it

we considered taking one of the HEPA filters, but, as mentioned, they need changing and we just didn't have time to do so

likewise, didn't bring the CO2 monitors so others could use

ok, i think that's good background, now on to the fun!

⏤

day 1 - LA to silicon valley

after packing up the car, our first stop was coffee at the palm in burbank (which has online ordering and a walk up window), then we drove drove drove.

next stop was for lunch in bakersfield at vida vegan eatery, which has outdoor seating, but it was covered on three sides with plastic. we could've asked the folks working to lift the plastic, or we could've just taken the chance and eaten outside there regardless, as we would've been the only ones out there, but we chose to eat in the car, because this was a driving day anyhow.

drove drove drove some more thru gilroy, the garlic capital of california, where we masked up to stop at a lil farm stand.

made it to silicon valley, where we stayed at the sunnyvale ramada. we looked at a lot of chain options in the area, and chose this one not because it necessarily had the best reviews, but because it clearly had rooms that opened to the outside as well as the AC unit visible on the window, so the room takes in fresh air.

when we arrive at hotels, we mask up while do the requisite once-over (check for bed bugs, etc). we turn the ventilation up real high, open any windows, and prop the door open. masks stay on til we get all the bags in, when we usually settle in.

on this night, we threw on some nicer clothes and took a rapid test (negiii) before heading out to grab my cousin for dinner. they mask regularly, and also rapid tested negative before we headed over. even so, we keep masks on and windows down when we share the car with anyone outside the pod.

ended up on a nice pedestrian street in mountain view for dinner outdoors at yugen ramen and it was so quiet; we truly had the place to ourselves. finally, topped off the night with a quick pop into the patisserie down the street, maison alyzée. it was close to closing, so mostly empty outside of the unmasked proprietor, but, to be frank, we went into this trip assuming we'd be the only ones masked anywhere.

alright that's all for day one, eleven more to go!