#also like we shared a friend group and it felt scary cause i didnt know how people would react and if theyd still want to see me etc etc

[candies-and-eyeliner]

I was driving today without thinking about anything in particular when i suddenly thought "the relationship doesn't have to be bad for you to leave" which is like, objectively true but??? I've been single for 4 years??? Like yes it DOES apply to my previous relationships and it's definitely something I should keep in mind going forward but what prompted my brain to gain enough XP at this specific moment to unlock that thought

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon, hope your doing well! 

1: Ran feels the same both before and after Ran forgave Ranbob. He cant help but feel guilty and tends to avoid bringing up past memories incase Ranbob doesnt remember them, cause he can't stand to see the confused look in Ranbobs eyes that soon turn to one full of sadness and a sort of emptiness. It makes Ran feel awful. It also causes Ran to think that their childhood and old relationship is gone. Which particularly keeps Ran distant from his brother, because he's scared and doesn't want to redo everything if Ranbob will just forget it.

8: All of the above. Cletus is a chaotic shit that loves creating and hearing about anything chaotic. Also he has burned down a few things in the past so he is a bit of a anarchist. They just had those cards, after all they knew they where gonna travel for a bit so why not bring playing cards to try to provide entertainment?

11: I forget if I said that (if I did then I changed it) but Ranbob actually knows that Ran is most likely dead as he wouldn't survive the night, but he still has some hope that his little brother survived.

---------

3: It was scary for him but because of the sudden turn of events he didn't really have time to register his feelings before he was getting smacked around and blinded. And yes cause Ran deserves a overprotective arc to show him that his group does love and care for him even if he thinks otherwise.

10: The townspeople act rationally to defend themselves. Even if that means they start fights because their not being respectful or kind. 

11: I'm not sure what they are. All I know is their the parent figure of the friend group but will also bite your ankles at a moments notice just because they want too.

14: Or Foolish just punts Jackie into the sand to protect his home from a possibility destructive teen. (I'm thinking yes to both of those, and we get to see one of the siblings embrace their enderside and just go crazy on Raq which leads to murder and trauma!)

15: For the cursing one I just love to imagine something like. 

Ranbob: *accidentally knocks over a stack of books* Shit!

Baby Ran: Shit!

Ranbob: *freezes and turns to look at Ran*

Baby Ran: *innocently smiling* Shit!

Ranbob: rAN NO--

(I've decided the group for this is going to be Technoblade, Phil, Ranboo, Tubbo, Karl, and Sapnap, and I may name the sub au like Brothers + Others cause it rhymes and I find it slightly funny). Oh Foolish is going to be terrified and scared for his safety, he's gonna have two hyper active teens climbing him like he's a jungle gym. Ran didnt want to help at first because he was to suspicious of them, but when proof was provided he changed his mind, and decided to take a risk to help them, but he still doesn't trust them fully. Plus, he felt bad after hearing their story, and couldn't help but sympathize with them because he felt that lost and confused at one time, and its a awful feeling. And while he won't admit it, he's curious about Ranboo and wants to talk to and get to know Technoblade, after all he did choose Techno as his idol. When the group first visited Kelalen, they got the Orphan Slayer as a gift, and because they did express some interests in going back to Mizu to see what they can do about Dream, so they got it to help them. So when Technoblade shows off his Orphan Slayer as possible proof, Watson brings out the groups Orphan Slayer and the two exact duplicate swords (expect for some nics on the GF group's sword) take most by surprise, and serve as some proof. Ranboo brings up his memory book, and since Ranbob read a bit of it, the two are able to perfectly recite a page of the book. And Karls watch, book he has of both Mizu and the Pit, and his knowledge about all groups are also proof. But even after proof the GF group is still somewhat suspicious that their who they say they are, but eventually they come to fully believe them. Ranbob is in awe. Because his ancestor is in front of him! He can ask questions he had about the history of the SMP and finally get answers! But he is also scared, because why is his dead ancestor here? Why are there so many others? What does this mean for him? Theres so much uncertainty that its hard for him to relax. The enderman hybrids get along well enough, but since Ranbob is a anxious mess, Ranboo is also an anxious and nervous mess, and Ran is bad with emotions, they dont get along super well. Tubbo and Jackie get along well and love to share stories about their respective enderman friend. Sapnap, Cletus, and Grievous get along well and even with Sapnaps current predicament, he still joins in with jokes and pranks. Karl, Phil, Isaac, Watson, and Benjamin get along very well with their habit of leading and taking care of their friends, and because their the ones planning what to do with everything going on. Technoblade doesn't really get along super well with anyone from the GF group, but he takes an interest in Ran and Watson. Only Technoblade, Tubbo, and Phil are Ranboos haunting. Ranboo tries to get close to his decedents, and he success in some places but fails in others. The time group doesn't know about Ranbobs possession, purely because Ranbob begs his group to not tell them. But the time group also suspects that something is up, and while Sapnap and Techno want to push to find out what it is but they dont because Phil yells at them. For the fighting, Phil and Ranboo want to help but are told not too for now. Saying them intervening could make things worse. So they don't. But Ranboo breaks the rule cause he cant stand hearing the two fight anymore. 

Hi, and same to you!

1: Oh, ouch. The way you phrased it, he thinks Ranbob could still forget? Does Ran not know Dream caused it?

8: FGHJK-Anon. Anon. Hearing Cletus was a bit of an anarchist, just, made my day. Holy heck. Can you imagine Quackity’s reaction to hearing that? Oh my god, that’d be so funny. 

The cards are the only game they brought? Sounds like it might get boring quick. And a bored group makes for a chaotic one.

11: Ah, so it was a hope thing. Hm. I don’t think I’ve asked before- feel free to correct me if I have-, but, if Ranbob thought Ran was dead, how did he feel upon finding out he was alive-especially considering the circumstances.

-------------

3: Poor Ran. But also, yes! Overprotective arc! Let everyone go feral for the dude who’s always ready to do the same for them.

10: Hmm.

11(?): They...sound...interesting??? Honestly, I don’t think that answer settled my nerves at all, but y’know what, none of my business. The gremlin friend is whatever they are, and I will not question it further. 

14: Jackie’s just getting tossed around everywhere, huh. First by Ran, then by Foolish, who’s next up to yeet the child? (Also, yay! Murder and trauma, always fun!)

15: Pfft, oh goodness. That must’ve been fun to explain to his parents. 

----------------

Hey, it does rhyme! Nice. 

Poor Foolish. He had a mostly nice life before Tubbo’s return, probably. Oh well. And Techno’s got a traumatized fan now, that’ll be interesting. What does he do with his new-old future sword? Duel wield? Let the GF group keep it? 

Two anxious endermen and one who’s bad with emotions, what emotional pain will they cause each other?

What kind of stories do Jackie and Tubbo share? Funny ones? Blackmail? 

Sapnap, Cletus, and Grievous sound like a terrifying force, and honestly, for the sake of everyone else, I hope a prank war never sparks between them and Tubbo and Jackie. 

Do the leaders of the group all kind of take charge together in light of this situation? In what ways does Ranboo succeed, and in what ways does he fail? How does Sapnap and Karl not being part of his haunting effect their relationship with the GF gang, considering they all are? Do they ever become part of a haunting?

Do they find out about the possession, and if so, reactions? What happens when Ranboo involves himself in the fighting? Does it get better, or worse?

[ithinkilikeit-reactions]

K-Pop life lessons (2 year old blog anniverary project)

I believe that music is something that can bring people together. I believe that the musicians we listen too and the things they create can teach us things. This goes for every genre, not just K-Pop. But there is a stigma around K-Pop of it just being men and women dancing around singing about ice cream, rainbows and happiness. It can be that, but it can be incredibly meaningfull and the artists teach us things. 

Here are some things I have learned: 

Monsta X , BTOB and Seventeen taught me that family isn’t just blood, it can go further than that. Your friends can become your family. 

SHINee and VIXX taught me that it’s perfectly fine to go against the grain of what others do. As long as you stay yourself. 

Day6 taught me that it’s okay to feel alone sometimes, but in the end you are never truly alone. 

Sistar, Girl’s Generation, AOA, Mamamoo etc have taught me that it’s okay to be confident and speak my mind when I feel like I am being done wrong. 

Here are some life lessons that other Kpop fans have chosen to share with me

“stray kids taught me that it's perfectly okay to be sad, depressed, or have anxiety because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel and so there's so many people just like me”

-@lysss-xo

“Super Junior taught me how to smile and laugh again after I had spent so much time barley going through the motions.”

-signed, A Shy Male ELF.

“VIXX and BTS taught me that even when you might feel down and think that nothing matters, eventually everything is going to get better.”

-        @michelleherrera16

“Day6 taught me that’s it’s okay to go at my own pace and everyone can feel lonely and thats okay Stray Kids thought me that everyone feels lost at some point and going into adulthood is scary and longing to go back to the easier days is normal”

-@its-simply-me19

“BTS taught me that I can't always think about everyone else, I'm young and I have my own dreams to go after. If I need it, I'll take the time to sort my sht out. That's thanks to SUGA's 'Nevermind'. Mikrokosmos made me realize I have a reason for being here right now, and my existence does matter. These two songs had lyrics that pulled me out of suicidal thoughts i'd been dealing with for 6 years. It’s so weird that certain lyrics had that effect on me. Although I still have depression and social anxiety, I’m slowly getting over it. I’m finding myself.”

-@moonkiddionysus17

“This is pretty basic, but BTS and Got7’s Jackson are teaching me to love myself since I hate myself to my core. It’s a long road but I know I’ll get there eventually ❤️⭐️”

-@broken-scene-queens 

“I know this isnt strictly what you asked butVixx and esp, Hakyeon inspire me. I see him being a leader and helping his members, vlogging, serving his country, moving out, spending time with friends and family, doing charity work in a very super low key way, being kind, gracious and just a lovely human being and it reminds me that's what I need to be. I want to inspire and carry myself with the level of maturity and grace he has.”

-anon

“Wanna One taught me the right way to life with memories, to not get stuck in the past holding onto memories crying because they're not coming back, instead I've learned to treasure memories and see them as something beautiful without pain, but with a smile on my face.”

-Anon

“VIXX and BTS showed me that there is nothing wrong with being sexually dominant and identifying as a woman -- their subby concepts gave me metaphorical wings. (my name is Coral but I don't have a tumblr I just check yours sorry)”

-Anon

“Monsta x and Dreamcatcher taught me to never give up on your dreams, no matter what anyone says, the amount of pain and heatbreak, or how long it takes. Dreamcatcher specifically taught me that it is okay to start over if what you were doing in your life did not turn out to be what you wanted. Sometimes it takes a little more time to figure yourself out before you are happy. ( Their story of how they went from Minx to Dreamcatcher really inspires me)”

-@brieflycraftycollectoruniverse 

“N.flying taught me that it’s okay to be weird, out of the box, and different. Taught me how to accept my weird personality and find others that accepted it as well.”

-anon

“So for me, it was VIXX. They were my first group and they came into my life at the right time. I had hit an all time low with my depression. 'Error' distracted me from the bad in the world and it was through them that I learned that there was still beauty in the world. Their lyrics inspired and Ravi in particularly inspired with his own struggles and his outlooks on life. I don't think I would be here or at least as happy as as stable as I am if it wasn't for them.”

-Anon

“A lot of the groups have fought me the families don’t end in blood, that you can make your own if needed, mainly 17 and Victon”

-🦋 anon

“iKON, EXO, and Monsta X taught me what a real family looks like, and how to support my fam through thick and thin. The most important lesson is that family doesn't end with blood, and sometimes it doesn't even start with blood. After all, the blood from a pact with your real family will always be thicker than the water of the womb.”

-@wynnewriteshq

“Red Velvet didn't really teach me much, but they gave me a reason to smile. Wendy said this on VLIVE a little after RV's 5th anniversary: "I will always be there for you, I will be there even when you leave because you can always come back to me." (paraphrasing) It made me cry a little on the inside because I found them the summer before I started high school. It was really rough but I had their music to make me happy.”

-Anon

“Tbh I got into kpop at a crazy time I'm a young mom and I felt so out of touch with who I am. It was more than one group, but the combination of "fun thing for me " and BTS had just started the love yourself series... it meant the world to me to remind myself that the me that exists under "mom" was worth love too.”

-Anon

“Got7 taught me that it's okay to have fun while chasing your dreams and ambitions. You're not doing anything wrong while having fun cause you're still on the path you wanna go. Even if there are people that don't believe in your dreams remember that you're doing for yourself, not for them. Do what makes you happy.”

-@ahgasedaa-mark

“Blackpink taught me to be the badass woman i am today. I think without them i would still be in my shell of depression and fear. Got7 didnt teach me anything they saved my life. Their music calms me and makes me feel loved with saying how beautiful, amazing, and perfect you are in their lyrics. I know it may sound cliche but their music has helped me a lot feel beautiful and good about myself. Bts did the same. both got7 and bts had taught me that i deserve better. They became my safe space when i have panic attack. They both helped me get me out of sexually abusive relationship and helped me gain the friends i have today. I have great friends that arent toxic and a closer relationship with my mom. I even met my boyfriend because without got7 and bts words i would have never gotten out of my house, get on dating sights, and go to japan. They have helped me immensely when i used to be shut in.”

-@kpopluvwriter

“RM of BTS reminded me that I love writing poetry to express the things I can't tell anyone. TOP of BIGBANG showed me that someone with anxiety issues can still do anything. Most of all, most of the groups I love have given me a community I can trust with more than just Kpop stuff- I feel safe telling fellow Kpop stans that I'm trans and nonbinary because I've seen such a supportive and loving community here.”

-Anon

“Kpop fan culture has taught me that you will always have a friend if you need one. Also that if someone is in distress another WILL come to help. Stray Kids, Bts, Seventeen etc.: have taught me that it’s okay to love myself and that if they love me I should love myself too.”

-@skylarrae168

“Stray kids taught me to never give up no matter how long it's going to take, it's okay to take your time and that no matter what I'm going through everything is going to be okay. Bts taught me that's it's okay to not have a dream and to just do whatever makes me happy and they also taught me how to be myself...like I should be always be myself and that there is nothing 'wrong' with me...if that make sense”

-@paigsa

“Kpop has taught me a lot of things subtly over the past couple years. But the ones I can really pick out are that. It taught me how not to give up on life when things get tough but just step back. It taught me how and when to cut out toxic people from my life. It taught me that I can still do so much despite my mental health and that my mental illnesses don't define me. It's also inspired me to start drawing again after a long bout of art block.”

-@z-stitch

“Kpop as a whole has taught me to be myself, to live more creatively and not to hide anymore.”

-@harmonal

Alot of these brought me to tears and I am so glad you all decided to participate in this and I really appreciate it. Please stick with me for the years to come ♥

[roleplcyheaux]

what did kelly do to you that was so terrible that person witnessed?

i’m assuming you mean the person who messaged amanda about me when you said “that person”? truth be told i’m not sure what that person witnessed because i’m not sure who sent that in. i spent almost 4+ years being friends with kelly and in that time span a lot of people came into the fold and left it and i don’t know all their stories. or what they saw in that time. i only know my own story and it’s long and convoluted but i’m gonna share it. before i do though, i want to say this isn’t a call out post. or well, it’s not meant to be one. i’m not a fan of cancel culture and i don’t believe anyone is beyond the point of redemption. 

i’ve forgiven kelly for a lot of the stuff that’s happened between us and i also acknowledge a lot of our problems were because i never was honest with her when she asked if things were alright. for the sake of keeping the peace and not starting drama i never said a lot of things. if anything i enabled her. that’s why i’m compelled to answer this question. it’s not my place to judge whether kelly is a bad person or not. it is my hope that she’ll read this and realize she’s capable of hurting people more than she realizes. it’s my hope that seeing these words come from someone who knew her for years and thought the world of her will make her realize that the stuff that’s being said about her isn’t just coming from bitter, fake woke, negative people who are making things up to make her look bad or evil.

it’s important to note that kelly was one of my best friends in the whole world. both online and off. i was 18/19 when i met her. basically just graduating high school and still impressionable and kelly was there for me a lot through those formative years. she made me feel accepted and loved in a time where i felt anything but due to another group of friends who exiled me for being who i was (a woc who practiced islam). literally for the first year or so of knowing her (and ace, kaisi, whoever else was in our friend group at the time) i was lying about my identity. essentially catfishing them to the point where i’d have a friend i knew irl send snapchats for me. the closer i got to them the more the lie i was living weighed on me. i tried to distance myself from them out of guilt because of it but kelly always reached out and when i finally revealed i was lying and showed them who i really was they accepted me.

they understood! it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was closer to her than ever cause i knew that since she had been so cool with it, that everyone else would take her lead and be cool with it too. that’s the thing about kelly, she has that effect on people. she’s so sure of herself, confident, full of life and people just follow her lead cause she’s charismatic. i knew that since she accepted me everyone else would and i could live my truth finally. after that i essentially felt indebted to her. i loved her. she was honestly like a sister to me. an older sister i wanted to prove myself to and impress. there were a lot of things throughout the time i was friends with her that could have been considered red flags that i ignored. a lot of things she did and said that didn’t sit right with me that i did nothing about. i always gave kelly the benefit of the doubt because that’s what she had given me. but that changed. there was really one defining moment in our friendship where i had my breaking point but even before then there were things:

she asked me to join a group with her as a twin to her nina dobrev and then got mad at me for plotting with people and began accusing me of trying to compete with her even though she’s the one that asked me to join the group. i immediately apologized for trying to steal her thunder and offered to leave the group. i remember messaging lana about it separately and being upset that kelly compared me to an rper we mutually didnt like at the time and who i thought was trying to compete with me on the dash and copy me.

there was an instance where i told a mutual friend that she ended up wanting to do a plot similar to one kelly and i were planning to do for our ship so we decided not to do it. no big deal right? apparently not cause kelly was furious at me for telling this friend this information for some reason? she made a big deal about it and told me she didn’t like people talking behind her back so then i became terrified of saying anything about her even in passing to someone for fear that she’d be mad at me about it.

i learned recently that she used her closeness to me and our bond to make that friend (the same friend from the bullet above) feel excluded. [SCREENSHOT ONE], [SCREENSHOT TWO]. this is someone who she introduced me to mind you. someone she encouraged me to get along with. she would initiate skype calls and then go silent on us so we would continue chatting, not thinking much of it. then later she would accuse us (only to me) of ignoring her and intentionally leaving her out. i remember apologizing for this even though, once again i had zero idea what i did wrong. i also remember that me & this person started to just call/talk to each other directly instead of in the chat cause we didnt want kelly to be mad at us for getting along. 

after that, kelly made a gc excluding this friend without their knowledge. Kelly asked this friend if everything was okay between them and they responded saying they felt a little shitty because they were being intentionally left out. after that, kelly blew up in the gc. she was so angry she left the gc. at this point, she didn’t know who in the fc had told this person about it and i was so scared that i literally prayed before i could message her to tell her that it was me. That night was so scary to me that i honestly don’t remember how the conversation ended, but we managed to patch things up by the end of it.

I recently found out from said friend that kelly knew it was me all along, which can only mean kelly pretended not to know to test if i’d really tell her or not?

this person eventually just cut me out of their life all together simply to avoid kelly. which meant i ended up losing someone who was becoming a really good friend. [SCREENSHOT THREE]. 

one time there was a plot involving my character’s family member. a plot, which was kelly’s idea, where ace’s muse would die. he was my muse’s twin brother. this plot was huge and i started trying to plan the aftermath cause my character would obviously be affected. only the closer it got to the plot happening they kept changing what would happen. one day he would for sure die. the next he wasn’t going to. etc. when it was set in stone he was gonna die i began plotting with other people based on this huge event that was going to happen

but then last minute they changed their minds and he wasn’t going to die but be in a coma. i don’t remember what my reaction was really but kelly didn’t like it and she messaged me angrily accusing me of trying to make everything about my muse and make ace feel bad about not wanting to kill her character. she said something about how i already had all these other plots and i was being selfish. i apologized and explained i was more than okay with micah living and that i just was upset cause i already planned things in advance but i could easily alter stuff to fit the new plot. at the end of that conversation i think i was more upset about how she approached me about the situation than the situation itself.

that’s something that can be said about all of the situations above. it was never what kelly was upset about that made me feel shitty. it was how she chose to talk to me about it. constantly it felt like when she came to me with an issue she was having that she’d either use ace against me to make me feel like not one, but two of my closest friends were mad at me or she’d come in with an energy where it felt like i was guilty until proven innocent. it wasn’t a conversation between friends trying to solve a problem. it was like defending yourself to a judge until the judge decided that you weren’t at fault or at the very least gave them the answers they wanted from you.

none of this stuff is really in order and i can’t be sure when this incident occurred but kelly apparently said horrible things about me and our friend to a person she invited to join a group we were all admining together. i didn’t find out about this until literally today after i already started answering this ask. [SCREENSHOT FOUR], [SCREENSHOT FIVE], [SCREENSHOT SIX]

i also witnessed kelly be unfairly judgmental over someone who joined one of our groups as her wanted connection. the closer i got to this person the more critical kelly grew of her and how she played the character. to the point where the girl could feel her hostility and constantly sent me messages inquiring what she had done wrong to make kelly hate her. [SCREENSHOT SEVEN]

eventually i decided to open a group with this person, lana, and another girl i’d gotten close to toward the end of the group i was admining with kelly & ace. 

this is what led to my breaking point. friends have disagreements. they have fights. and everything up until that point i easily got over because we always managed to resolve the issue and see where the other was coming from. but this fight wasn’t like the others. i had never ever in my life ever felt so hopeless and like nothing i could say would calm her down or make her see things from my side. she came in guns blazing in a way i’d never witnessed before. to the point where i literally got sick and threw up. all while being on a call with my fellow admins who were lost at what to do to help me. i’ve lived with anxiety my whole life but that night was when i had my first full blown panic attack. [SCREENSHOT EIGHT],[SCREENSHOT NINE].

after that i confided in ace. our mutual close friend. i said something about how i couldn’t understand how she handled when kelly got mad at her like this so well because i was falling part. i apologized for seeing the way kelly treated her and never saying anything about it cause i understood how it felt now. i want to say at this point ace was genuinely trying to comfort me and calm me down. she gave me advice. she said give kelly some time. even though kelly told me that ace was upset/mad at me too ace was being so kind and understanding and hearing me out. then, the scripted flipped. i dont know what was said between her and kelly but suddenly ace was against me as well. i was accused of trying to come inbetween them. and i distinctly remember being called childish for being upset about the fight in the first place which hurt me even more (i would provide ss for this too but i cant find them]. ace unfriended me on skype. i never responded to kelly’s last message. and we didn’t really talk for a year or so. 

we ended up letting bygones be bygones and accepted kelly into the revamp of the exact group she had been mad at me for opening. it was my honest intention to rekindle our friendship and leave everything in the past but i couldn’t go back to seeing kelly the way i used to. i couldn’t help, but feel like everything she said or did was suspicious due to our history. evidently, i wasn’t over what had happened between us and i still let her into my life again because i genuinely wanted to fix things. for stuff to go back to the way it used to be! and for a while we were all really good at pretending like it was but kelly would consistently do stuff that would drain me. mostly it just felt like once again i wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of her. she and ace always found something bad to say about the people lana and i were close to. 

kelly would constantly message me being “worried” about “stepping on toes” even after i would tell her over and over again that these girls had nothing against her. she accused one of sending her anon hate but provided no proof. after opening a group they accused the same girl and our close friend tee (who were both admining with us) of being competitive and bubble rping on the dash even though it had been ONE DAY. 

ace blindsided me one night asking if i was available for a call only to go on a tangent about these new friends. attempting to gaslight me by saying i was being “bulldozed” and how they knew i was so sweet and trying to make everyone happy and that these people were “taking advantage of me” it got so overwhelming that i literally sent lana sos messages cause i didnt know what to say or how to react until she joined the call to give me some sort of back up. ultimately that was what made me distance myself. it genuinely felt like even though kelly claimed to have changed we were still having the same problems. her approach was different but underneath the issues were the same. 

i spent a year finding my own path in the rpc instead of following her down hers and when we were reunited it felt like i was expected to fall back into place. to be the same girl who took her at her word and had blind loyalty. when i wasn’t that girl i felt like i was being manipulated into trying to become that girl again. i couldn’t do it anymore so i stopped responding to her messages. i have so many good memories with kelly. so many late night laughs. inside jokes. beautiful muses and plots and characters we created that i still look fondly back on, but i also know that she made me feel helpless, dumb. it messed with my head, made me question my own judgement, and brought out a side of me that i didn’t like. one that was paranoid, anxious, and desperate for her approval. she wasn’t a terrible person to me but sometimes she made me feel terrible and ultimately that’s why we’re not friends

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hi, I just found out your blog, and I really like it! Lots of things about John and Paul. I find their relationship very interesting and intriguing. About LSD, why do you think it took Paul so long to take it with John? I remember reading somewhere that Paul took it in the end of 1965 or in then begging of 1966 with some of his friends from London, but somehow he didnt want to take it with John. Do you think he was afraid?

Hey there, @righimoraes! I’m glad you’re enjoying what you came across so far! And yeah, your choice of words is absolutely perfect; I think it was those very same characteristics that captivated me so much in the first place (besides the utter beauty involved in a creative process of this magnitude).

I must warn you, this got terribly out of hand, so prepare for a proper testament! But I’d love it if you showed the patience to plough through to the end and let me know what you think!

Now, you can’t begin to imagine how happy I was when you brought up the LSD! Because, in my personal opinion, if there is a change in tune in the middle of this whole symphony that can be described as ‘intriguing’ it is that 1st acid trip they took together. For me, it’s only surpassed in terms of sheer mysteriousness by India.  But let’s look at the timeline that preceded it first.

As the story goes, John and George were the first to unwittingly come into contact with the famous lysergic acid diethylamide 25, somewhen between March and April of 1965, in the London home of Dr John Riley, George’s cosmetic dentist. 

The experience, as they describe it, was fantastic and life-changing. 

We’d just sat down and ordered our drinks when suddenly I feel the most incredible feeling come over me. It was something like a very concentrated version of the best feeling I’d ever had in my whole life. It was fantastic. I felt in love, not with anything or anybody in particular, but with everything. Everything was perfect, in a perfect light, and I had an overwhelming desire to go round the club telling everybody how much I loved them – people I’d never seen before.

- George Harrison, Anthology

John too seemed to have a rather good trip, as he fondly recalls all the crazy shenanigans they got up to that night.

George somehow or another managed to drive us home in his Mini. We were going about ten miles an hour, but it seemed like a thousand. And Pattie was saying, ‘Let’s jump out and play football, there’s these big rugby poles’ and things like that. I was getting all this sort of hysterical jokes coming out, like with speed, because I was always on that, too. George was going, ‘Don’t make me laugh!’ Oh God! It was just terrifying. But it was fantastic.

- John Lennon, Lennon Remembers by Jann Wenner

So amazingly reality-shattering was the whole ordeal, that the two Beatles felt it was crucial to share this new-found enlightenment with the rest of the band.

John and I had decided that Paul and Ringo had to have acid, because we couldn’t relate to them any more. Not just on the one level – we couldn’t relate to them on any level, because acid had changed us so much. It was such a mammoth experience that it was unexplainable: it was something that had to be experienced, because you could spend the rest of your life trying to explain what it made you feel and think. It was all too important to John and me. So the plan was that when we got to Hollywood, on our day off we were going to get them to take acid. We got some in New York; it was on sugar cubes wrapped in tinfoil and we’d been carrying these around all through the tour until we got to LA.

- George Harrison, Anthology

And so, on 25 August 1965, while on break from their tour, John and George share the wonders of LSD with Ringo. Roadies Neil Aspinall and Mal Evans respectively partake and stay straight to keep an eye on things. Paul declines.

Curiously, it was a particular encounter in this LA party that inspired John to write ‘She Said She Said’.

He was describing an acid trip he’d been on. We didn’t want to hear about that! We were on an acid trip and the sun was shining and the girls were dancing and the whole thing was beautiful and Sixties, and this guy – who I really didn’t know; he hadn’t made Easy Rider or anything – kept coming over, wearing shades, saying, “I know what it’s like to be dead,” and we kept leaving him because he was so boring! And I used it for the song, but I changed it to 'she'” instead of 'he’. It was scary. You know, a guy… when you’re flying high and [whispers] 'I know what it’s like to be dead, man.’ I remembered the incident. Don’t tell me about it! I don’t want to know what it’s like to be dead!

- John Lennon, All We Are Saying by David Sheff

In the same way Paul is absent from this episode, he is notably not featured in the Revolver track itself.

And so begins the months-long effort (especially on John’s part), to try and pressure Paul into dropping acid with them (him).

Paul felt very out of it 'cause we were all a bit cruel. It’s like, 'We’re taking it and you’re not.' 

- John Lennon, Lennon Remembers by Jann Wenner

As you see, making him feel excluded was one of the prefered methods of manipulation. And it came both in the form as literal exclusions from the song making process (see above) and perhaps more insidious attempts at eliciting jealousy. I think one of the pawns in John’s famous ‘mind games’ ended up being George himself. The latter seemed quite happy to fill the vacancy as the main travel companion, the one with the shared life experiences, and all the closeness that brought.   

After taking acid together, John and I had a very interesting relationship. That I was younger or I was smaller was no longer any kind of embarrassment with John. Paul still says, 'I suppose we looked down on George because he was younger.’ That is an illusion people are under. It’s nothing to do with how many years old you are, or how big your body is. It’s down to what your greater consciousness is and if you can live in harmony with what’s going on in creation. John and I spent a lot of time together from then on and I felt closer to him than all the others, right through until his death. As Yoko came into the picture, I lost a lot of personal contract with John; but on the odd occasion I did see him, just by the look in his eyes I felt we were connected.

- George Harrison, Anthology

Finally, John - his idol, his hero - regarded him as an equal! 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to belittle John and George’s relationship, because the dynamic was also fascinating, and it was with each other that they could explore the more spiritual questions of their existence, something they couldn’t quite do with the more down-to-earth pair of Paul and Ringo. But that doesn’t invalidate the fact that the person John seemed most desperate to share this incredibly intimate experience with was Paul. 

On his part, Paul was, as you correctly supposed, rather afraid. We must remember that he was always the most cautious out of all the four. As he put it:

John – he’s got movement. He’s a very fast mover. He sees new things happening and he’s away. Me – I’m conservative. I feel I need to check things. I was last to try pot and LSD and floral clothes. I’m slower than John, the least likely to succeed in class.

- Paul McCartney, The Beatles by Hunter Davies

In the Anthology, he spells it out quite clearly.

But I really was… frightened of that kind of stuff. Cus it’s what you’re taught when you’re younger! ‘Hey! Watch out for them devil drugs!’. So… so when acid came ‘round, we’d heard you’re never the same. It alters your life and you’ll never be the same again. And I think John was rather excited by that prospect; I think I was rather frightened by that prospect! [huffs] Just what I need! You know? To have some funny little thing where I never get back… home again! You know? Oh, jeez, you know? May not be the greatest move… So I delayed. And I was seen to sort of stall a little bit, I think, within the group. Cus a lot of peer pressure- I mean, talk about peer pressure! The Beatles?

Paul McCartney, Anthology

It must have been a rough few months of resisting for Paul, as he recounts multiple times how straining it was to be the one on the side while your band, your closest family, continues to increase the rift between you in an effort to make you jump. 

Thoroughly worn down, Paul finally capitulates on 13 December 1965. That night, John and Paul had returned to the Scotch of St James nightclub, where on the previous day the Beatles had their end of tour celebrations. There they met  The Who’s John Entwistle and the Pretty Things’ former drummer Viv Prince, but most importantly Nicky Browne, Tara Browne’s wife, who invites them all back to their London home on Eaton Row. Paul and some others accept the offer. John declines.

This time, when Tara Brown suggests they drop acid, Paul relents.

I was more ready for the drink or a little bit of pot or something. I’d not wanted to do it, I’d held off like a lot of people were trying to, but there was massive peer pressure. And within a band, it’s more than peer pressure, it’s fear pressure. It becomes trebled, more than just your mates, it’s, 'Hey, man, this whole band’s had acid, why are you holding out? What’s the reason, what is it about you?’ So I knew I would have to out of peer pressure alone. And that night I thought, well, this is as good a time as any, so I said, 'Go on then, fine.’ So we all did it.

- Paul McCartney, Many Years From Now by Barry Miles

Of that first trip itself, Paul had this to say:

It was such a mind-expanding thing. I saw paisley shapes and weird things, and for a guy who wasn’t that keen on getting that weird, there was a disturbing element to it. I remember looking at my shirtsleeves and seeing they were dirty and not being too pleased with that, whereas normally you wouldn’t even notice. But you noticed and you heard. Everything was supersensitive.

- Paul McCartney, Many Years From Now by Barry Miles

You’ll notice that contrary to the other Beatles’ recounts of their experiences while on LSD, Paul’s are often described with more negative words, with ‘disturbing’ being a recurring adjective. 

Now, if you are wondering why Paul took LSD with a group of acquaintances but not with his own band (or rather John), that’s when we enter the realm of speculation. Might it have been a matter of pride, a small victory in the way of ‘okay, I saw what it was all about, but on my terms, not because you pushed me into doing it with you’? Might have. 

But again, here (as in most places) I find that the most likely motivator was fear. There was, after all, a lot more at stake in a life-changingly intimate experience with your best friend and partner – the same partner with whom you’re not entirely sure just how intimate you want/should/can be – than with a bunch of strangers. So Paul probably would rather sacrifice the heavy significance John was sure to place on ‘first times’, in order to more cautiously scout the whole affair. If this is the motivation behind these events, then it should be seen as a sign of just how important his relationship with John was to him, that he was so careful not to screw it up. (What a pity then that John himself seemed to require big bold moves, entire leaps of faith, as a declaration of true affection…)

Meanwhile, John had become increasingly enthralled with the escapism offered by acid and used it regularly. As his at the time wife, Cynthia - for whom the intimacy suggested by the chemical felt false and manufactured - recounts:

When John was tripping I felt as if I was living with a stranger. He would be distant, so spaced-out that he couldn’t talk to me coherently. I hated that, and I hated the fact that LSD was pulling him away from me. I wouldn’t take it with him so he found others who would. Within weeks of his first trip, John was taking LSD daily and I became more and more worried. I couldn’t reach him when he was tripping, but when the effects wore off he would be normal until he took it again.

- Cynthia Lennon, John

For Paul, however, his experiences with LSD seemed not to have freed him of his doubts, for it would only be on 21 March 1967, more than a year later, that he would finally choose to take acid with his songwriting partner, in the well-known episode.

While recording the song ‘Getting Better’ for Sgt Pepper, John mistakenly took and LSD pill instead of a stimulant.

I thought I was taking some uppers, and I was not in a state of handling it. I can’t remember what album it was but I took it and then [whispers] I just noticed all of a sudden I got so scared on the mike. I said, 'What was it?’ I thought I felt ill. I thought I was going cracked. Then I said, 'I must get some air.’ They all took me upstairs on the roof, and George Martin was looking at me funny. And then it dawned on me. I must have taken acid. And I said, 'Well, I can’t go on, I have to go.’ So I just said, 'You’ll have to do it and I’ll just stay and watch.’ I just [became] very nervous and just watching all of a sudden. 'Is it alright?’ and they were saying, 'Yeah.’ They were all being very kind. They said, 'Yes, it’s alright.’ And I said, 'Are you sure it’s alright?’ They carried on making the record.

- John Lennon, Lennon Remembers by Jann Wenner

In this particular instance, John is misremembering, for the session did not proceed when the others realised what was happening. As George Martin recalls it:

We stood there for a minute or two, with John swaying gently against my arm. ‘I’m feeling better,’ he announced. Then he looked up at the stars. 'Wow..’ he intoned. 'Look at that! Isn’t that amazing?“. I followed his gaze. The stars did look good but they didn’t look that good. It was very unlike John to be over the top in that way. I stared at him. He was wired-pin-sharp and quivering, resonating away like a human tuning fork.No sooner had John uttered his immortal words about the stars than George and Paul came bursting out on the roof. They had come tearing up from the studio as soon as they found out where we were.They knew why John was feeling unwell. Maybe everyone else did, too - everyone except for father-figure George Martin here!It was very simple. John was tripping on LSD. He had taken it by mistake, they said - he had meant to take an amphetamine tablet. That hardly made any difference, frankly; the fact was that John was only too likely to imagine he could fly, and launch himself off the low parapet that ran around the roof. They had been absolutely terrified that he might do so. I spoke to Paul about this night many years later, and he confirmed that he and George had been shaken rigid when they found out we were up on the roof. They knew John was having a what you might call a bad trip. John didn’t go back to Weybridge that night; Paul took him home to his place, in nearby Cavendish Road. They were intensely close, remember, and Paul would do almost anything for John. So, once they were safe inside, Paul took a tablet of LSD for the first time, 'So I could get with John’ as he put it- be with him in his misery and fear.What about that for friendship?

- George Martin, Anthology

He seemed especially fond of Paul’s attitude, for he reiterates the point in his own memoir.

Paul’s thoughtfulness in going home with John was typical of one of the best sides of his character.

- George Martin, All You Need Is Years

And so Paul drove both of them back to his home in Cavendish, where the moment had finally presented itself for him to go on a little journey with John.

I thought, ‘Maybe this is the moment where I should take a trip with him. It’s been coming for a long time. It’s often the best way, without thinking about it too much, just slip into it. John’s on it already, so I’ll sort of catch up.’ It was my first trip with John, or with any of the guys. We stayed up all night, sat around and hallucinated a lot.

Me and John, we’d known each other for a long time. Along with George and Ringo, we were best mates. And we looked into each other’s eyes, the eye contact thing we used to do, which is fairly mind-boggling. You dissolve into each other. But that’s what we did, round about that time, that’s what we did a lot. And it was amazing. You’re looking into each other’s eyes and you would want to look away, but you wouldn’t, and you could see yourself in the other person. It was a very freaky experience and I was totally blown away.

There’s something disturbing about it. You ask yourself, 'How do you come back from it? How do you then lead a normal life after that?’ And the answer is, you don’t. After that you’ve got to get trepanned or you’ve got to meditate for the rest of your life. You’ve got to make a decision which way you’re going to go.

I would walk out into the garden – 'Oh no, I’ve got to go back in.’ It was very tiring, walking made me very tired, wasted me, always wasted me. But 'I’ve got to do it, for my well-being.’ In the meantime John had been sitting around very enigmatically and I had a big vision of him as a king, the absolute Emperor of Eternity. It was a good trip. It was great but I wanted to go to bed after a while.

I’d just had enough after about four or five hours. John was quite amazed that it had struck me in that way. John said, 'Go to bed? You won’t sleep!’ 'I know that, I’ve still got to go to bed.’ I thought, now that’s enough fun and partying, now … It’s like with drink. That’s enough. That was a lot of fun, now I gotta go and sleep this off. But of course you don’t just sleep off an acid trip so I went to bed and hallucinated a lot in bed. I remember Mal coming up and checking that I was all right. 'Yeah, I think so.’ I mean, I could feel every inch of the house, and John seemed like some sort of emperor in control of it all. It was quite strange. Of course he was just sitting there, very inscrutably.

- Paul McCartney, Many Years From Now by Barry Miles

There it is then. The main event. And it was just as profoundly intimate as they’d hoped/feared. 

I urge you, again, not to get lost on the fantastically romantic imagery of eye contact to the point of merging, but to notice the slightly uneasy light in which Paul paints the entire episode, with the resurgence of ’disturbing’. And so my tag for the whole LSD scene is born: “How do you come back from it?”

Because these two got to the point of losing their own identities in the other, they truly became One, and they were not ready for it. It was everything John wanted and everything Paul was trying to avoid, and I think it started to destroy them.

And even if John thought this was the level of closeness he ought to be at with Paul (for reasons that I tried to express in the first posted opinion of mine), even he reckoned later that the LSD induced smashing of his ego was more detrimental to his mental and emotional health than beneficial.

I had many [bad trips]. Jesus Christ. I stopped taking it 'cause of that. I mean I just couldn’t stand it. I dropped it for I don’t know how long. Then I started taking it just before I met Yoko. I got a message on acid that you should destroy your ego, and I did. I was reading that stupid book of Leary’s and all that shit. We were going through a whole game that everybody went through. And I destroyed meself. I was slowly putting meself together after Maharishi, bit by bit, over a two-year period. And then I destroyed me ego and I didn’t believe I could do anything. I let Paul do what he wanted and say, them all just do what they wanted. And I just was nothing, I was shit. And then Derek [Taylor] tripped me out at his house after he’d got back from LA. He said, 'You’re alright.’ And he pointed out which songs I’d written, and said, 'You wrote this, and you said this, and you are intelligent, don’t be frightened.’ The next week I went down with Yoko and we tripped out again, and she freed me completely, to realise that I was me and it’s alright. And that was it. I started fighting again and being a loud-mouth again and saying, 'Well, I can do this,’ and 'Fuck you, and this is what I want,’ and 'Don’t put me down. I did this.’

- John Lennon, Lennon Remembers by Jann Wenner

Paul’s overall opinion on acid was as follows:

Sometimes it was a very very deeply emotional experience, making you want to cry, sometimes seeing God or sensing all the majesty and emotional depth of everything. And sometimes you were just plain knackered, because it would be like sitting up all night in a train station, and by the morning you’ve grown very stiff and it’s not a party any more. It’s like the end of an all-nighter but you haven’t danced. You just sat. So your bum might be sore, just from sitting. I was often quite wiped out by it all but I always thought, Well, you know, everybody’s doing it.

The thing I didn’t like about acid was it lasted too long. It always wore me out. But they were great people to be around, a wacky crowd. My main problem was just the stamina you had to have. I never attempted to work on acid, I couldn’t. What’s the point of trying, love?

- Paul McCartney, Many Years From Now by Barry Miles

On 17 June 1967, the whole ‘Paul admits to taking LSD’ debacle happens, and though he defends his statement and his position to the press, by then the bands interested in the substance had started to wane, when some of the disillusionment over the whole drug-cult started settling in. 

By 26 August 1967, the Beatles had publicly renounced drugs and started looking for the answers to life’s big questions with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and his system of Transcendental Meditation. 

(But we know how similarly those endeavours ended, with bitter disillusionment and an even greater rift within the band and John and Paul themselves. That, though, is another story.)

And in the end (for those brave few that endured this far), I too see this whole LSD dabbling as exactly what they thought it would be: life-changing. It was a definite turning point (so much so that I chronologically tag it as the Bridge of the piece) in their relationship. They had reached total togetherness. But something there, maybe the restrictions they imposed unto themselves of what is socially acceptable, maybe something even more crucial in human nature that repels us from totally losing a concept of self (despite how much escapism we sometimes desire), made it so they couldn’t handle that. And if this startling realization didn’t start, it definitely enlargened the fractures in the partnership.

But what do you guys think? I’d love to hear your opinions. Especially considering their ‘67 seemingly happy communal living. Maybe India was the true turning point. Maybe it was sooner, when they stopped touring and ‘living in each other’s pockets’. Please let me know your thoughts, and once again, thank you so much for this ask!

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[dangerousreputation]

All I ever need - Richie Tozier

Hi! Can I request a Richiexreader imagine where you two are a couple and you return to Derry 27 years later to defeat Pennywise again and you reveal to him that you're pregnant?

There will be two parts to this bc this is long asffff and i didnt mean to make it this long lol but i hope yall like it :) feel free to request or send me feedback

warnings: swearing, IT, idk basic stuff based off of the movie so i guess this is scary?? idk

Your hands shake with so many emotions, you couldn’t even process that this was happening. With two little pink lines covering the white paper, you held the pregnancy test between your fingertips and your mouth agape. The doctor told you that it would be less likely to get pregnant as you got older but this was a sign from the heavens.

“(Y/N), (Y/N!)” you hear Richie’s raspy voice call out to you.

In that moment, you decided to keep it a secret - the pregnancy - and shove the test into a nearby drawer.

“I’m coming, I’m coming, what is it?” You repeat, jogging down the stairs. Judging by the eagerness in his voice, it must’ve been impotent.

He turns to you as you emerge from the staircase with wide eyes. His hair was more tousled than normal and his phone was encased in his palm. His eyes where wide with his eyebrows raised above them and his face was visibly paler than normal making your stomach clench in anticipation.

“Its back.”

Your stomach dropped at the awful demon’s name. His voice sounded a mile away and laced with fear. This brought you back to when you were 13 and even though this was the year you met the love of your life, it was also the most traumatic year of your life.

You walked hand in hand down the familiar road that your shared house was built on before you moved away from this haunted city. Everywhere you looked, small fragments of memories raced through your mind, some of them delightful, others saddening. The sky resembled the color of iron with the wind rustling the leaves and sweeping through your hair. You and Richie were currently walking to Bill’s childhood home to meet up with the rest of your old friends.

It has been about two years since the last time you where all together, luckily you all kept in touch.

You were greeted into the house with open arms and large smiles. Being back with your friends made you feel like your full self again; you missed Bill’s stuttering that has gotten increasingly better since you where kids but every now and then, he’ll struggle getting out some words, Beverly’s real but sarcastic remarks, Ben’s brain that knew information about anything and everything at any given time, Stan’s humor and clap backs, Eddie’s cleanliness along with his humor that always kept up with Richie’s, and Mike’s intelligence and kindness. A few new members have come along, like Beverly’s boyfriend, Daniel and Mike’s wife, Rebecca.

After eating and talking about the glory days, it was time to get down to business. Everyone fell silent as you all listened to Bill explain who has gone ‘missing’ and where the crime had happened. More information was exchanged as to what was different this time. Instead of children going missing near sewers, the attacks and crimes are now happening in homes.

So far, 34 children have gone missing in the past 4 weeks.

“Richie, I’m scared. I know that it has been 27 years and I shouldn’t fear this stupid fucking clown, but I do. I don’t think I can do this again.” You whispered and pressed your forehead against his. You were telling the truth, just not the whole truth. If something would happen to the forming baby inside of you, how would you explain that It had killed a baby that he didn’t know about? All of the stress had started to pile up resulting in you almost having a panic attack. Did he even want a kid? Well obviously not now, there’s a killer demon running around the city. 

He sighed and rubbed along the outside of your arm before kissing your skin, “I know, but we have to. No one else will do it, it is all up to us.” 

You nodded and embraced him, knowing that this was something that must be done to save hundred of lives.

You trudged through the sewer water with a flashlight in one hand and a baseball bat in the other. You were volunteered by Beverly to be one of the leaders walking through the tunnels which you punched her in the arm for after her bold statement. Your hands were shaking causing the light of the flashlight to wiggle around the concrete walls.

“Jeez (Y/n), we may attract the clown if you keep shaking the light around like that.” Eddie snickered.

“At least I’m leading us through these tunnels, unlike you and the rest of the boys, who have no problem walking behind me.”

“Well, at least I- What the hell was that?” Eddie went to sass you but was cut off by a loud BANG coming from the tunnel horizontally to the group.

The familiar snicker was heard echoing off of the walls. You heart seemed to stop beating in your chest as your eyes flew open to try and see where the demon was.

“Guys, I think I see it,” you mumbled, walking towards the noise. “Guys, I don’t- Guys!” you yelled suddenly turning and noticing that no one was behind you anymore.

You couldn’t have walked that far from everyone, it had only been a couple of seconds. Panic started to sting through your body as the realization that you were absolutely alone.

“Richie?” you yelled, flashing the light down the tunnels to try and see anyone.

“(Y/N!)” you heard the voices of your friends screaming for you.

“I’m here, I’m here, I’m-“ you stopped mid sentence and stopped walking when you saw a light. You heart’s beating started to decrease its pace when you thought the light was coming from another flashlight.

“You found us (Y/n.) Thank you, thank you, thank you.” you heard the whispers of what sounded like 5 young adults. Your stomach dropped to your feet as you realized that you were’t alone anymore.

“O-oh my god.” your breathing seemed to all pack into your throat at once when you saw the ‘children’ covered from head to toe in blood and clothes that was ripped and torn all around their ghostly white bodies.

You woke up to Richie’s voice screaming your name multiple times. Your head pounded against your skull and all of the loud noises were not helping. Your eyes seemed to blur before focusing on the love of your life’s face in front of you, holding your cheeks between his palms.

“You can’t leave me, I need you, please wake up.” he pleaded.

Your eyelids slid open to reveal Richie, in a state of panic, with dirt smeared across his cheek and blood falling off of his eyebrow.

“Rich-“ you sighed and rubbed your thumb over his chin before pulling him against you. He sighed into your hair before you two seemed to come back to reality when you heard a loud, ear piercing shriek from Stan.

“Coming back was such a mistake. No one will leave this time.” Pennywise sang, his voice chanting higher on the words such and no.

He currently held Beverly and Mike between his arms, their eyes wide and breathing staggered.

You grabbed your bat, walked right up to that fucking clown, and swung upwards to make his teeth bite into his lip.

His skull was cracking along with his mouth because of you, Bill and the rest of the loser’s crowded around you and grabbed Mike and Bev from his grasp. They were both struggling to breathe and coughing profusely. You stood in front of everyone with your eyebrows furrowed at this demon, clown, whatever it was.

Suddenly, he grinned before crouching down and becoming a small child. The kid must’ve been about 4, standing up and walking towards you. He had black hair with little curls forming at the ends of some strands, freckles sprinkling across his nose and below his eyes, along with your eyes.

This was your child.

“Why’d you do it mom?”

Your heart stopped. 

“Why didn’t you save me? You could’ve saved me. Saved me from It, but you didn’t. You sent me here, why?”

“I-I didn’t-“ a tear rolled down your cheek. The weight of the world felt like it had been placed on your shoulders and your chest started to tighten at the thought that this might happen in the future.

“Yes you did, you didn’t want him to know,” he looked at Richie, “why?”

“(Y/n)…” Richie’s words sounded low and scarily steady. You looked back at him with wide eyes, he frowned at you, obviously confused as to what was happening.

“Mom, that’s him, you told me he didn’t want me, does he want me now?” the child’s voice was so soft, innocent, and realistic.

“Look-“

“It’s okay. I float now and you will too.” he smirked at you, before repeating his words.

Your ears started to ring with the sound of babies crying, louder and louder, you started to try and block out the noise which only seemed to be effecting you. The sound was deafening and your started to scream out in pain.

You closed you eyes and covered your ears trying to stop this awful noise and then, it all stopped and you felt a palm rub along your back.

“It’s gone, (Y/n) it left. Hopefully for good now. Stan killed It. It’s okay.” Richie said, brining you up and wrapping his arms around you.

Your tear stained cheeks pressed against Richie’s shirt as he soothing ran his fingers through your hair. Relief had flooded through you but also panic.

‘It transforms into the thing we fear the most, that why we call it, It.’

to be continued…

[ketterdamns]

a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired. 

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!! 

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!)  just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years. 

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time. 

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength. 

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother. 

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again.  He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it. 

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore  I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to? 

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it. 

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up. 

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts. 

 occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards.  but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs. 

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again. 

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden. 

This year my rapist  was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour. 

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store. 

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me.  I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time. 

[thespanglydragon]

a brief (not at all brief) update on my life until the next time I remember i have this blog and need to sort out my thoughts:

i got a 1st in my first project of the year. I find out my dissertation and second project marks next week, and if they’re both in the high 60s i might be able to graduate with a 1st overall. Which is scary, because if I could then I will feel really disappointed if i dont manage it. I cant tell how to deal with that... but a 2:1 is awesome and would be fitting. I expect that mark, I dont know if I expect a 1st. 

I’m fairly stressed in a preemptive way because of all of the work I need to be doing soon, I’m learning lots of things in these projects that I wish I’d learned last year (which I didnt learn because instead I was trying to direct a project which was another learning curve. I wish I had more time to fit in what I’m learning now, cause I wish I knew it now to make my input into my current projects all it could be). Another 6 months of this course would have done me well. 

The boy I like, I’m constantly between ‘hes cute and nice’ and ‘hes a friend’ because he is both - i’ve gotten to know him better and i like that regardless of whatever my romantic feelings are. I’m still not 100%, and it’s a crush, but I’m happy not doing anything much about it. I take the opportunity to spend more time with him, but I also do that more with my close friends anyway because I think i’m feeling that soon, once we graduate, we’ll all split off and I love these guys so much in such a gentle friendly way.

I’m feeling really good about having a crush because... for once, even though I’ve always been ‘im happy not doing anything about it’, it’s not preventing me from being the best I can be. I’m not avoiding him or feeling weird around him at all, if anything it’s making me feel more confident about myself because it just feels very nice and my life is culminating right now into a place where I feel good about myself and my friends, where I could go with my career, and having a crush is a part of life that is enjoyable, and i’m happy and surprised that i’m more confident around him than I ever was before I liked him (since we’ve been friends for almost 2 years).

That said, I’m annoyed because I’d told people a few months ago I liked him, but now another person gave away the game to another friend and it’s not something I want to go around. I know full well how I feel about him but that doesnt mean I want other people to know, mainly because of that first issue - I’m happy with him as a friend, and I dont want to disrupt that friendship because people find out and try to either force a situation, or let him know which could very easily disrupt a normal friendship. I’m getting to the point where I just want people to shut up about anything involving me and relationships - because there are also people who still bring up my ex being like ‘oh how’s he’ ‘oh what about ryan’ or making comments implying theres something there when there isn’t. Leave it. I’ve gotten over it, he has too, it was almost 2 years ago now, I dont see him much but you guys see him a lot because the friends group has gone that way. Just allow us to exist as people who arent involved in each others lives beyond being on the same course and having similar friends circles. It really pisses me off. 

However, I definitely dont help this point because I’ve developed a habit of being ruthlessly truthful as a defense mechanism, specifically about feelings. I think I got to the point where being totally accepting of my feelings, and not hiding that (in fact letting people know) about them was a good thing I got into when I was getting out of depression, cause I could accept any emotion I had at the time and do something about it, and was very unapologetic if people expressed any kind of intrigue. I used it when I was younger and depressed as a way to try to give blame to other people by making them feel guilty, but it turned into just not letting me blame myself for the illness. Growing out of that kind of means now, I’m overly happy to share my feelings or secrets, when in reality I dont really want people in on the situation. I’m slowly trying to learn about .... emotional modesty? I dont need people to know everything I’ve ever felt, I dont need to tell my every hearts desire or secret. I think acknowledging that is part of me feeling much better about myself and my life in general that’s been happening over the past year - I dont feel like I need other people’s validation to be happy (which is something that plagued me in first year). But I just need to get out of the habit of being so wanting of attention in that way. I’m good as I am, people do like me, I have awesome friends who love me, I dont need some kind of extra quirk or something that will make me interesting.

Oh, and my parents got a new puppy!!!! and i went to an AWESOME harry potter quiz with alcoholic (and delicious) butterbeer that was waaaaaay better than the stuff you get at the studios tbh, me and my sisters and co came 15th out of about 50 which isn’t bad considering some of the rounds were so hard I’m amazed people actually got any answers (such as naming the specific scene a short clip of music was from - and they were obscure like ‘the first time the staircase moves in the first film’ but not when they go into the out of bounds corridor etc)

I’ve also gotten into a routine (something I’m sure 16 year old me would attack me for) of being in uni by 10 (soon to turn to 9), staying tile 8 each night, doing work, not letting myself have facebook on my main computer screen, and i’m really... enjoying it? Posting my collaboration work on the group each evening to recieve feedback. We had two media weeks (bit like reading weeks) where I was in every day, and now lessons have started back again I’m getting annoyed cause I cant do as much work as usual because lectures are getting in the way! I’m really liking it!�� It’s really nice to feel because the routine is making me feel better, sleep better, not so much eat better cause I’d rather cook for lunch than spend but ehh, but it’s just nice to feel like I’m now someone who can work in this kind of ‘working life’ routine, I will actually fit in and enjoy office work if it’s like my uni work life now (I’m not the only one spending days in our uni room doing work rather than staying at home - a core group of us are agreeing that separating home life and uni life is definitely beneficial to our work and keeping on track, and that being a good feeling rather than feeling like a chore). It’s nice to experience learning that, rather than having that idea forced on young people as it sometimes seems to be (ending up with people who isolate themselves and are unhappy and dont know why, because they’ve not learnt to have a working life balance) I dont know, everything’s really good right now, I actually feel like I want a career in this, I am enjoying my work, I’m doing well at uni, I have lovely friends, I cant get over how lovely and yet calm my life is. It’s like everything is happening in my life with this tinge of yellowy sunlight, bad things may happen but overall, my life is good and regular and I have aims and there are things that could be better, but that’s good because i can work to get them. 

[theghostwritersstory-blog]

“I WAS CHEATED ON!”

SOCIAL MEDIA-TION

Recently, while getting into a heated debate, on a popular social app, a guy decided to throw the fact that I had been “cheated on” in my face. This is a classic case of someone not having enough facts, or words to back up their debate/argument, so instead they throw insults-- what THEY consider to be insults, anyway. This is something I’m used to, being that my debating skills are pretty A1, the only thing that can stop them are usually things that have nothing to do with said topic. 

Now, the back-story behind this, is that I happened to ask him about the girl my ex cheated on me with, when it first happened. Because social media makes this world very small (mutuals, subtweets, hints), I had every reason to assume he knew something about the incident. And for those of you wondering why I would ask another person, and why I would go “that far”, or be “that dumb”, just be aware if you were in my situation, and somone was going as far to hide the details from you as my ex did to me, you would understand. The last thing I thought I’d ever be doing at my age was digging for answers from a third-party source, about a man I thought I knew, but life comes at you fast.

Social media has not only made dating harder, but its made the world a lot more transparent, to an extent. And what most people don't realize about me, is that as “private” as I can be, there is really no shame in my game as far as spilling the beans on my lessons learned. In fact, it really motivates me, and lifts a weight off my shoulders. 

ONCE IT’S PUBLIC, I’M SHARING

I keep a lot to myself, unless something happens in a public light, to me, or has been discussed publicly (in a way that it didn't happen). I’ve had plenty of falling outs with people that I have never discussed or posted. So what makes a situation post-able for me? If the situation causes me a great deal of trauma, or was done in a way to try and create damage in my world (publicly)... it will be turned into a discussion topic, before it can be fully let go. This is my process, and I don’t expect for everyone to “get it”.

So, the fact that this situation was made public, thanks to social media (where the girl my ex cheated with, posted him on her story for NYE) I can write about it. And as for the guy I was arguing with, that called himself “exposing” my ex? All he did was give me the green light to start my next post. 

THE ‘IF I FEEL THIS WAY, YOU MUST TOO’ PHENOMENON 

I’ve also learned that if something embarrases others, they assume it must be the same for you, so they project:

“Why is she telling us this?”

“Why do we need to know?”

“Why share your business?”

But their reality is not mine. It took me a long time to realize that what works for some, just doesnt work for me, and vice versa. And that usually the people projecting that onto me were going through their own internal battles and struggles, but they didn't yet feel free enough to release or share that. 

Over time, I've just learned to be less judgmental as to how people decide to relieve their traumas, because I’ve realized not everyone will understand how I choose to heal, nor do I see why they care. “They” can’t see the way my life does a complete 180 when I decide to do this one simple thing, release my truth. I’ve even started to see life as a game, every time I do something outside of my comfort zone, I’m rewarded in an external way (job, money, faith). It may sound weird to some, but it’s not for them to understand. 

NO SHAME, NO GAIN

I encourage women to say they’ve been cheated on, with pride, in a male chauvinistic world, that creates this double standard, insinuating women are to blame for a man’s infedelities. 

And personally, I refuse to feel low because someone I was with chose to cheat, with a girl that... let’s just say was pretty “known”, and not in the best way. Social media is small, and it’s made even smaller if you’re promiscuous, male or female. (This is not me throwing shade, but this is the truth.)

Let’s just say I immediately went and got tested, just to make sure everything  was ok, with ME. The only thing that I’m thankful for is going to the doctors, and being told that I was completely healthy. And no, I never got back with this person, but seeing how low he would go, and the lack of standards, made me question what was going on during the whole relationship. And I think it’s very scary how people can have you trusting them, while they simultaneously are out here putting you in danger, for their own selfish gains. But I will say, being aware of how much trusting a person can actually put you in harm’s way is very eye opening.

WHEN MEN BRAG TO “FRIENDS”

The night of NYE, my ex went on to brag to one of his “friends” about how this girl was his, “p*ssy for the night”, a disturbing phrase that I will never quite forget. My ex had convinced me that he was spending the holidays with his dying grandfather, meanwhile there he was getting spotted on social media, in other snap stories, etc. 

This is where I say social media is made so small, because of course these same “friends” of his ended up getting the info back to me. My ex tried so hard to fit in and “flex” for a group of guys that always treated him like the underdog. He also went so far to attempt to hide this from me, even deleted mutuals that we had, he change his story settings, deleted posts, etc. 

This person went so far to “hide” these things from me, not realizing that social media is forever, and that word travels fast. There is no “bro code” when social media is involved. Nor when you have friends that actually wish they had a woman like you had. Also, something I notice of men who openly try and disrespect women, for the attention of other men, usually get the least respect in their friend groups. These men are usually overcompensating to feel that void. He went around bragging to the same friends that told me about him being a cheater, like I wouldn't find out, how ironic. 

SEEKING VALIDATION

I think it’s because certain men, especially ones with low self esteem, are constantly looking for that next badge of approval or acceptance, that they handle things the way they do. I had even seen it with the way he constantly posted pics of me on social media. He got so much validation from it, that he wouldn't even take them down once we were over. And I'm not a cocky person at all, but I definately made him look good, in every possible way. 

So many people would always try to discredit him for his “looks”, and they would wonder why I was with him, but I always defended him and called these people shallow. At one point, the same friends of his that most-likely encouraged his cheating behavior, were the same ones constantly asking if I had friends for them.

Once the relationship was over and I made it clear I wasn't getting back together with him, this is when he started gas-lighting me for figuring out the truth. This was when he realized that to feel some power in the ending of the relationship, he had to turn it around on me. All of a sudden, I was “crazy” for figuring out all that this person did behind my back. I had to beg for him to take my pics down. He would say I was crazy for hitting him up to take, MY pictures down. I no longer wanted to be associated after the public incident. 

GET TESTED

I told him to take down the pictures of him and I, and to post the girl he had cheated with. But this was not something he even felt comfortable even doing. But, he was comfortable when he was bragging to friends about his, “p*ssy for the night”. 

He might have wanted to mention the permanent STD his new fling had, or the “bros” of his that she had slept with prior to him. But men won't mention that part will they? ‘Cause the truth doesn't sound as good as the fairytale they make up for the approval. They won't mention the TYPE of girl thy cheat with. 

He didn't share the fact that the night after he cheated, when he realized this girl was only jealous of hs girlfriend, and didn't really want him... he was blowing my phone up, covering up lies, bribing me with money, backtracking all his prior statements, like I didnt know. He even tried to lie, saying he hadn't seen this girl since college.

Slowly but surely, the reality of everything I thought I knew about this person came crashing down. I had never dealt with such a pathological liar, nor had I ever seen anything like it in life. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. How do you lie about something that has been seen by so many others via socials? But it was also a relief to finally known the truth, in some odd way. 

The oddest thing is, during the relationship I had great times, and shared great memories with this person. But the way a situation ends, says a lot more than what the entire two year relationship could. It took a long time to get over, because part of me was always searching for a glimpse of that loving, sweet, and always caring person that I thought I once knew. It was waking up from that illusion which caused my brief suffering. 

DEVIL’S ADVOCATE: WHY SHARE THIS?

Now no one has asked me this question, but I constantly do this thing, where I play devil’s advocate with myself. It helps me get better at debating, overall, as well as having a “comeback” to questions I might be asked. Don't ask why, I just like to stay prepared . Maybe I’ve been conditioned, because I know what to expect from people -- opposition.

The reason I feel it’s so important to share the fact that my ex cheated, is because for far too long its always seemed like this is looked at as a stigma, or burden for the woman to bear. Often times, when a man is unfaithful in a relationship these are the narratives you hear:

NARRATIVES:

”She got played.”

So often in these situations, it truly comes down to the man playing himself. Nine times out of ten, at least in the situations I’ve been in, when a man cheated on me, not only did they end up begging to come back, but they ended up in situations where they actually looked stupid. Situations where they seemed to instantly realize the grass wasn’t greener. And found themselves SOL, when they thought they’d be welcomed back. And this may be my ego speaking, but I don't believe that a majority of women ever get “played”. Even if a man doesn’t attempt to come back, this isn't a measure of your worth. It could mean they have too much pride to admit they have ruined a good thing, and some men aren't mature enough to even face that reality, I'm learning.

I feel like most women uprage after situations like this (mentally, emotionally, and physcially) and end up seeing their true worth. I even used to joke and say I wanted my heart broken so that I can GLOW-UP. I’ve also noticed that in the long-run, the men that do you wrong never seem to fully get over it. Even an ex I pined over in the past, back in college, called me months ago wanting to “talk”, and I was so unfazed by his call. I ignored it. Women may hurt more at first, but men never seem to get over that hurt in the long run, I’ve realized. So who is really “getting played”? I see too many women claim and own this, when in reality it is so far from true. 

“Playing” a good woman, who loved you despite your flaws, despite what you did or didn't have, and despite your short-comings, is hard to find. You may not realize it in the them moment, but a good woman doesn’t get played, she just adjusts, and gets better for the right man herself.

 “She couldn't keep a man.”

We hear this all the time. It implies that to “keep” a man, you must do a,b,and c, and if you can't keep him, or his interest, you’ve failed miserably, correct? Not exactly. You see, there are women that will do everything they practically can for a man, and they still get cheated on. There is no surefire way to keep a cheater from being what he was, probably before he even met you-- a cheater!

There are even some women that turn a blind eye to cheating, as they feel like it is a prize to keep a man, no matter the cost. And I don't judge that anymore, I think everyone has their own standards, and I've learned not to judge what is acceptable in other relationships or not. Relationships are so hard to judge, because you realize that no matter how much you tell a third-party, no one can truly understand you and the bond you and that person share. I try to keep this in mind before I judge what the next person puts up with. 

However, I decided a while ago that if lowering my standards when it comes to unfaithfulness, just to keep a relationship, was just not going to be my portion, no matter how deep I thought our love once was. I put up with that back in college, but I’m grown now. I don't have the same mind I once had, then. 

Most men can’t keep YOU. I think most men do realize the qualities of the woman that they have, they just don’t assume that woman will ever leave them. They start to think maybe that kind of woman will come a dime a dozen, and when they see that’s not the case, they rush back. But you can’t keep me, with cheating ways. It took me a long time to realize that very literally and figuratively, men could not obtain the standards they started off with, and couldn't keep ME. A lot more women have to realize this. 

I feel like when you decide to sabatoge a whole relationship for one night, that shows me where I am on the list of prioroties, and that’s unforgivable. I just try to stay aware of what I will not tolerate. And I can name a few people that would still love me in their life if I decided to turn a blind eye to their bullshit, but that’s not something my heart allows me to do. And I’m aware of the conflicts that arise form me choosing not to believe that “all men cheat”, but does that mean I stop fighting for what’s right, for me? I just don't think that’s the case. 

-”She’s crazy.”

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she joked to me,”Men will drive you to crazy, drop you off at the destination, and then CALL you crazy,” and I felt that. I’ve realized, since it’s almost expected for women to be “crazy”, this is a good word to use whenever a woman is actually being logical about something that the man doesn't want to deal with. Rarely do women wake up one day and decide to be “crazy”, out the blue. Most times, the man will just leave out all the ways in which he triggered a woman to get to that “crazy” point. 

In conclusion, women go through a lot at times. Including being made a villain in situations that a lot of us are actually victims to. And no this isn’t insinuating that all men are bad, and women are good. It just seems like on a large scale, men forget that women often get tired of them too. Women lose interest and feel like cheating, and sometimes we’d like to see how other guys differ from the man we are with, but most times I see us women staying loyal. And it’s just assumed that “men will be men”, and have their fun.

To any woman that relates to my story, just know you aren't alone. 

[survivorstorybookarendelle]

Episode 6 - Why Is My Name Always Thrown Around - Veronica

 i thought i was finally gonna have all my faves together that was mean

[3/17/17, 11:06:24 PM] Steffen Bøhn: good [3/17/17, 11:06:29 PM] Steffen Bøhn: write a confessional

that was my confessional

oh gosh omg if I make merge if I merge I cant loose my connections with Rob, Luke, and Ashton mostly Ashton and Rob screw you Steffen lol I mean I'm dead at regan going to exile and I'm actually in a very good spot on the new nevs tribe me and Amanda are fucking tight me and Ashton are tight me and Brian are tight me and Richie were tight on Nevs ike come on Veronica and me have no bond but I can like her

the last time i wrote a confessional it was about to be our first tribal council after the first swap where amanda was about to be voted out and whew so much has happened since.... seconds after typing that confessional amanda signed on skype and told everyone she had irl family stuff going on (which my heart felt for her <3) but strategically i was like yes this is perfect to use as a last minute flip so with like 20 minutes until the vote everyone was convinced to vote out adrian and everything worked out great for me!!!!!! fast forward to the next immunity challenge and it was a music video lip sync immunity and we had 24 hours to do it and it was 90 minutes before the immunity was due and NO ONE had committed to any plans or filmed anything so i was like okay fuck it i'll just throw together the most ridiculous video of all time hopefully it will be so ridiculously bad that it will be iconic but um... the judges were haters y'all the judges were h a t e r s !!!!!! but whatever we lost i got sent to exile AGAIN and the tribe voted out zach which cool i never got to meet him lmao okay i come back from exile and we have a reward which we won!! i think that was the first time that i had won anything all season and we got to pick someone to go to exile and i chose ashley bc i was hoping that she would pick me to go with her bc we've been together everytime and we bond while we're there and a few minutes go by and fucking meredith gets sent to exile and i know i'm fucked!!! i've been okay with spending 90% of my time in this game on exile because i found the idol and if i'm the only one on exile then i dont have to worry about people getting clues and finding out the idol's already been found and i'm the only one thats been there so having someone but me go to exile was bad news because when she came back i was #exposed womp womp 

 connor messaged me saying "im just gonna ask you point blank do you have the idol" and then i was like what makes you say that and he said "well i got to where the idol should be and it isn't there and I may be wrong, but the only other person who has gone is you" so wtf do i say to that!? that means that meredith and connor are close enough that when she came back from exile she shared that with him and theres literally no way i could lie because it's so obvious and that would just make me seem so much sketchier so i was just like yeah i have it so even though i assumed that people assumed that i had the idol because of how much time i've spent on exile but now its a #fact and i hate it :) 

 ANYWAY!!! we find out its a double tribal connor wins individual immunity he says he wants to vote out patricia and im hesistant because i'm expecting a merge/swap/something and i'm still scared of the fact that i voted in the minority  on OGNevs in the shea boot and i think patricia voted with me so i didnt really want to get rid of her i would have preferred voting out amanda so she couldnt link back up with that group but i know connor and amanda talk because one time i told something to only amanda and then connor messaged me saying "i've heard....." and in my head i was like yeah bitch you heard that from me thru amandas mouth NOTED!! so i didnt want to be the one to throw out amandas name now that connor knows i had the idol bc i didnt want to give him any reason to put me on his radar even more and he could orchestrate a good blindside with the receipts of me admitting i have the idol.... so i dont fight and patricia leaves and GUESS WHAT??? A SWAP!!!! and guess what else!? you FROZEN hearted hosts put me on a tribe with no one i can really work with so thanks a lot mf haters i can't wait to die!!!!Submitted 

I feel so bad, I technically betrayed Carson even though I technically told him I was voting for him? I handled it wrong, and I feel bad. 

http://prntscr.com/eld3ut

 like I think I messed up when I said, yeah I'm fine with him voting Ashley, I just meant that I'm okay with him voting for her not that I'm voting for her too, I love carson and he's my frist friend, but he did betray me first in Kiribati! then regan blew up about brian and it was crazy. Now there's a swap and I think I might be good, I'm back with the glass alliance and Ashley but I have rhea here too who I love. I just hope we don't go to tribal cause who knows what connor is thinking and I don't want to vote for rhea either

Confessional #8- This is the first time in this game that I don't feel 100% safe. The first two tribals I went to were an easy votes and I had immunity at one. Now I'm not sure what's going on. I don't even know two the people here which Is scary as well. My plan is to make sure me Brian and Nehe are strong and will stick together then I'll try and pull in Veronica to that group. Hopefully that will form a majority of four and we can get either Amanda or Richie out of here. it was great

amazing perfect i loved 3/17/17, 10:53:52 PM] Regan (India Host): uhm I'm not working with brian [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] Ashton: You're overreacting [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] twink brain ravioli: Mmm its basically just an anti-Brian thing!! [3/17/17, 10:53:57 PM] Regan (India Host): IM NEVER WORKING WITH BRIAN

my fave part

 I've been sleep the entire day so ofc the fact tribal is near and I didn't talk a lot Scares me  It always will when you sleep this close to tribal But I trust Ashton and Brian and they have no reason to abandon me

also can i just say whY IS IT IN ALL THESE SURVIVORS ITS ALWAYS ME OR SOME OTHER PEOPLE I LIKE ABOUT TO BE UP FOR BOOT LIKE WHY IS MY NAME ALWAYS THROWN AROUND IN THESE GAMES LIKE WHY CANT I LIVE FOR ONCE LIKE GOD DAMN I JUST WANT ONE TRIBAL WHERE MY NAME IS JUST NOT SAID AND I CAN LIVE I DONT FRIGGEN DO ANYTHING LIKE I JUST CHILL AND THEN EVENTUALLY SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND I DO IT BC IDK SURVIVOR I JUST DO IT TO MEET PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET SNAP STREAKS IM SO ????????????? i just need 2 go back to what im good at tbh and thats bb idk whats going on ever in survivors idk whats going on this game richie said he was gonna play his idol on me bc ppl were saying me and then i said ppl have been saying him and im just ???? i love lies and deception and being at the bottom >.< >.> <.< <.> ok rant over im ready to die if i do die at tribal