#also ive a lot more art but i dont feel like making an art dump

[maxlovespigeons]

With the return of my hyperfixation, have some art I've drawn in the past I don't think I've ever posted to Tumblr

[snekdood]

why do ppl you barely know or interact with at all think you give a huge fuck about interacting with them?

[arolesbianism]

Y'know I should rly do a comb through of the wiki and correct any mistakes in the logs cause even if I'm too lazy to add all the ones not there it would make double checking the ones that are on there much easier

[beesmygod]

yesterday was webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 4: the art

this part i feel like gets done semi-easy once the rest of the shit is dealt with. yesterday, my knuckles continued to swell and feel like rotten wood so i had to cut it short. this shit happens more frequently than i would prefer. today i need to run to the store and also pick myself up a lil treat (an eighth). for right now tho i have some cbd rich stuff that should help. maybe. while the index finger still hurts, only the middle knuckle is swollen anymore. let's see.

i started with panels 2 and 3 bc they seemed the least immediately labor intensive. ill be copy/pasting the line/flats for panel 3 to edit from there. t...there's going to be a lot of copy/paste this page. its not usually like that. but i usually only copy/paste the lines and flats. i will re-shade things so that they look different

unlike the sketch, the lineart has more "weight" to it. wait thats not how the pillow would deform. hold on.

ok that's better. did people even notice that before i changed it. probably not. but it matters to me!!!!! these little things add up and add weight to your world!!!! ive been trying new things with line as as of [looks at watch] last week. so it looks bad right now. like someones vague idea of what good lineart is supposed to look like. practice makes perfect tho....or breeds familiarity or something.

some parts of this look weird. dont worry. we will cover up that shit with speech bubbles. thank you comics for your ways of obfuscating bad art.

flats are easy. select everything that isnt your line art, invert the selection, and dump a base layer. then color that base layer with a mask

this page will, blessedly, not have any complex backgrounds. i already established the scene previously and can skate on doing my textured backgrounds. the background gradients in the direction the light in the room is being cast, usually.

first, a multiply layer at 50%. since she's facing away from the light source, she'll be mostly in shadow. then a white overlay layer at 50%; this is to make the first shadow layer pop and keep from getting too muddy. then a second multiply layer at 50% for the next layer of shadows.

added some sweat beads to make her look more haggard and some shine to her hair, since she's so close to the light. i've started bothering doing this bc it unfortunately looks good. finally i add one more multiply layer at 40% over her eyes to make her look more over this entire thing. and then added the red glow in another overlay layer (100%) where it would land if being cast from above.

completely servicable and theres room for like. a speech bubble later. usually i do text first, but in this case its so secondary to the actions being performed, i want to prioritize one over the other.

looking at it, im not going to be able to copy/paste this after all. she's going to settle in more and her body will rotate too much in the process. i can use this as a base to trace over, though, which will get me started.

but pain is occurring so im going to eat breakfast. what a bitch!

[coconox]

whb QoLs that i would like to see

boredom post lol, just dumping my thoughts into the void of what id like to see be added in whb but probably will never happen 🫠

1. separation of character and artifact banners

pretty self-explanatory. w the roster being huge and it only increasing from here there needs to be a distinction btwn characters and artifacts. im sure many ppl atp have gotten tired of the false hope they get when they get the gold glow from one of the kings at the beginning only to find out that its just one of his sig 💀💀

1.1 for patches w 2 l-rank debuts, have the selector work even before you hit pity

i get having the selector for if you reach hard pity, but its a bit greedy for it to apply only when you wasted so many seals (esp when f2ps dont get as much seals as they should). i would like the chance of knowing im guaranteed that char from the beginning even when i get the char early

1.2 if there exists an artifact banner, let there be a selector for which one you want to pull for

same logic as prev points. the rosters getting huge and ideally id like to have smth guaranteed for when i do my pulls

2. update characters' skill descriptions to be more specific

theres too many "[dmg/healing] is proportional to [some stat]." i want to see what that actual proportion is, like "dmg is proportional to x% of stat" where x is some number. or in skill menus theres "increase passive effect" like just tell me what youre specifically increasing in the passive !!!! i shouldnt need to actually lvl the passive to figure out whats changing, it should be stated from the get-go

3. have someone at the very least proofread the text

now i've seen my fair share of typos in games, hell, i literally play one where they couldnt even spell their own game name properly during the earlier yrs of its release lol *cough pgr cough*, but for the most part theyve resolved that issue and simple typos are easily spotted and fixed, but ive never seen there be this many typos or language switches mid-sentence. literally just 1 thorough proofread couldve easily solved most of these grammatical issues.

4. better optimization

im sorry but this is getting to like hoyo lvls of optimization w the fact that whb, which just hit half anni a month ago, is getting close to the amnt of storage an almost 3 yr old game has is wild to me (completely disregarding the fact that pgr has 3d models, l2d cgs, etc). imo, the amnt of storage whb holds should be around or even lower than what neural cloud has (which mind you, also has 3d models and l2d art 😭😭)

incoming very weird comparison but vanilla minecraft, a game that gets regularly updated, both on pc and pe take less than 1 gb

literally improving the optimization would make the game more accessible i.e. get more players to play since it wont take up a lot of storage !!! as someone who used to have 64gb or less on my phone, i could barely play any games on it bc nowadays they unnecessarily take up so much storage

5. add more daily/weekly tasks

keep the 9 daily requirements and 32 weekly requirements the same, just give more tasks for each so that we arent strictly set on doing specific ones. id like to see more stuff like "battle any stage x amnt of times" (emphasis on any, not a specific stage) or "interact w the lobby character at least once," just really anything that doesnt involve investing in a character or artifact. i feel like im wasting resources from lvling chars i dont wanna lvl, + we dont get enough tears per week to properly invest in so many characters at once.

giving more breathing room to hit the 9 and 32 achievements would put less stress on me cause then i'll know that if i cant complete one task, i can just do another and still be able to get all the rewards obtained for the week. im sure a fair share of ppl atp have missed out on getting all the weekly rewards bc they accidentally missed 1 daily task which is painful

5.1. get rid of the lvling artifacts weekly requirement and lvling characters requirement

briefly mentioned it prev but wanted to make its own section. its useless, especially when i ald have the artifacts that i need lvled up. its a dumb requirement that makes me waste mats and pulls just so i could lvl some artifacts properly.

6. get rid of the rng boxes and make them selectors

5.2 increase the daily/weekly rewards

dailies (w pancake shop): 9 tears, 7 key boxes (rng)

weeklies: 4 tears, 5 red keys, 2 yellow keys, 50 seals

i dont think i need to explain much here thats like scraping the bottom of a barrel for important mats/gacha currency

they suck. i do not want resources to be gacha too

7. make all shops cheaper

self-explanatory. everything is too expensive (esp in red gems shop) and therefore is borderline inaccessible unless if you hoard mats or 💳

7.1 add the ability to convert red gems to seals

red gems have very little use now ever since seals were introduced. id like them to have some important use if we keep getting a certain amnt of them every week. we can covert them to red/yellow keys, so by that logic we should also be able to convert them to seals too

8. get rid of uncommon/useless currencies

pretzels, artifact enhancement stones, and blue guilty gems are the 3 that come to mind. ik pretzels were originally supposed to be from the friends system, but that was removed a bit after launch and still hasnt showed up despite pb promising itd be launched around this time. aside from that the other 2 serve little to no use, as artifact stones dont lvl up the artifact all that much and blue gems died when seals became a thing

9. auto-clear for story stages

i mean that after getting a perfect clear on a stage, then have auto-clear be an option. since candy boxes are farmable through story, i end up falling asleep or getting bored of having to sit through fighting the same stage like 20+ times a day. this is honestly one of the more nit picky ones in this list lol, i just play the stages in the bg while i do other stuff but ideally id like to get stuff done asap

10. make lvling characters cheaper

we only get 13 tears a week from dailies + weeklies + pancake shop. assuming you start from scratch and want to get to char lvl70, it takes 3 weeks to get there without the help from other shops. thats almost a month for 1 character, it shouldnt take that long to invest in someone (it also shouldnt be that expensive 💀)

if we're getting such low numbers of essential materials per week, decrease the character lvl prices to reflect that. or alternatively, increase the number of mats we get per week to easily lvl characters

10.1 increase the character lvl cap to 100

40 tears for one level is not worth it, having the cap be 100 would make it feel like its worth it (not really tbh, its still real expensive when lvl70 provides more than enough to clear all content 💀)

10.2 add a resource stage for pies

getting pies only through shop (rng boxes btw) and events isnt enough to compensate for how much skill lvls cost. either decrease the skill lvl prices or increase the pie income to balance it out

11. have the ability to backread txt msgs before choosing a reply

self-explanatory. the game doesnt allow you to backread before choosing a reply which sucks :/

as someone who usually cant process txt after reading it once i kinda just sit at the replies like :/ girl i forgor what he just said and i cant go back and read so i'll just leave and re-enter the chatroom again ig

12. have the game automatically lock l-rank artifacts as soon as you get them

ik theres a lock feature, but you need to lock all artifacts manually. id rather the game lock l-rank artifacts for me once i get them so that i dont accidentally recycle them when cleaning out my inventory and then i manually unlock them later if i want to

13. give seals, keys, or just any sort of general gacha currency as compensation rewards

receiving only ap feels like a slap to the face, and seals/any other currency would only be given out if there was smth that was severely (and i mean very severely) hindering everyones gameplay. the ap given isnt even that much either which is like rubbing salt in the wound

14. decrease ap requirement in stages

considering stages can go up to 32ap as a req (given this is only seen in events, the usual hovers around 25 but my point still stands), you cant really do all that much if the cap hovers around 250 (give or take, i havent seen anyone w 300ap yet so 250 im considering is the avg rn for endgame players). w each stage at highest difficulty being 25-30+ap, we essentially only play like 10 stages max before needing to wait.

1 solution ppl would have in mind is to just buy the 300ap from red gems shop or buy more ap from selecting the ap counter directly to get more for the day, but i want smth thats more accessible. i shouldnt need to pay w some currency to get literally the bare necessity of being able to play this game.

i think keeping all stages at 15ap is perfect, hell, even 20 would also work since w 250ap you can get more than 10 runs in one session

15. make the battles less reliant on needing certain l-ranks

this is just smth ive noticed when testing out stages w other chars or just playing realm of seraphim lol, but theres a huge imbalance w l-ranks vs s and a+-ranks. theres also a huge imbalance when it comes to the classes too (i'll get to that in a bit)

take beel's camp for example, there is no one in beels camp that can essentially mimic or closely mimic what beel does kit-wise (dmg ik will be different cause lower ranking and all). imo, the go-to non-l-rank alternative for beel isnt even from his camp, its from belphegors !!!! (if you didnt catch on im talking abt andrealphus lol)

or take mammon for example, no one in his camp (as of making this post) deals dmg on ult, they only either shield themselves or take the hit for ppl on the team, which tends to do more harm than good.

element-wise, take juno for example. juno being an l-rank fire unit significantly changed how fire team worked, i.e., you can actually use that team to clear most story content now (minus water enemies lol). that should probably put into perspective of 1. how l-ranks are a bit too important in this game and 2. how unbalanced light as an element is compared to every other element

15.1 give us more tanks and healers

i need yall to see how crazy our current roster is

(dont mind the title of the table lol its from the spreadsheet, also for reference if ppl see this in the future this is pre-lucifer (victory))

why do we have so many close-rangers??? so many marksman????

we have such little supports (tanks + healers) that it makes me fully convinced the gameplay pb wants to achieve is full on dps and not yk a well-balanced team w dps AND support. dont get me wrong if players want to full on dps that is totally fine by me, the issue im having is that the devs appear to want a full on dps team, completely ignoring the idea of how to properly balance a game where they also introduce supports. of course there are marksman/close-rangers that can support i.e. buff the team (juno, dantalian, ronové, phenix, the list of examples goes on), but im specifically talking abt the classes in general. for the most part, marksman and close-rangers are usually dps while tanks and healers are usually support.

if youre gonna introduce supports in this game, 1. have more than just 1 tank unit for each non-light element, 2. make the healing be higher than 1% of a char's hp, 3. have an equal amnt of tanks and healers as close-rangers and marksman.

the fact that if you dont have mammon as your designated tank or lucifer as your designated healer, youre essentially screwed over is wild to me. their camps' s/a+-ranks should be able to hold just as well without their kings. satans camp is the perfect example of that. chars like minhyeok (who is quite literally mini satan kit-wise lmao), gabriel, leraye, nostalgia leraye, hell even ppyong (the a+-rank ver, not juno lol) are all perfect alternatives for if you dont have satan and that is amazing. we currently dont have that for supports and i genuinely hope thatll change in the future

—

this game is very, VERY far from being at least somewhat balanced in my eyes. i really do wish for the best w this game but man as someone who loves to dissect gameplay down to the numbers, seeing all this gets real frustrating for me from time to time.

anyw thats all for now– this was a bit of a rant more than anything lol

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hiii! I was wondering if you could do pomni with a reader that just absolutely smothers her in affection to calm her down? And just on the daily haha :D

Reader smothering pomni in affection to calm her down!

ohoo hoo hoo this one is going to be interesting! think im going to answer this request and one more then take a break so i can go work on art; ive got a few wips and a few ideas i wanna get down/done </3

i think this one depends on a lot of factors; because sometimes being smothered cant fix distress, you know? maybe its because i hc pomni has anxiety and im projecting but

shrugs

i think if shes actually panicking or deeply upset about something it might be best to not touch her and dump a bunch of affection on her in that moment; give her a moment to recollect herself so she can process her feelings better!

let her vent and ramble about things, thats one of her main means of releasing feelings.. maybe squeeze her hand and rub it if she's open to it..

sometimes she might cling onto you and let you run your fingers through her hair

building off of the "let her process before you throw herself at her" it can lead to her stressing out more or even feeling like her feelings in the moments arent valid and need to be snuffed out, which... obviously isnt your intention, but when youre stressing out you dont really think straight

definitely something that you guys have to lean into over the course of a vent session

generally though it does leave her feeling a little better and that you're supportive of her feelings while also allowing her the chance to process and feel them and having someone who listens

i think she would try to make it up to you, maybe offering you some extra affection or doing a service for you because i think she might feel a little guilty for letting herself be spoiled; which she shouldnt but thats something else/an underdeveloped idea

hmm

very verbal in letting you know that she appreciates you, probably gives you a tired post-frustration kiss on your cheek to push the point that she does feel better

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[w1f1n1ghtm4r3]

ippiki au lore dump

if the name of the au does not make it very obvious, this au was inspired very heavily by the trained cards for kick it up a notch (i just chose to reference the comm, hitsuji ga ippiki, as the au name because it sounds cooler than calling it like. kickup au. so its ippiki au instead. when i first started working on this i just called it animal fighters au but thats long LOL)

its one of my favorite sets, im a big fan of dystopian and post-apocalyptic themes which the set hits perfectly and there was room to have fun with animal designs (i mean, seriously, they gave kohane sheep horns and named akitos costume "hound kid") and so i started thinking from the moment i laid eyes on the set when it leaked and i ended up with an au based around the idea of animal/human hybrids.

first of all for actual au stuff, character profiles! these were made a lot earlier on into working the au so ive made minor adjustments to their designs since then, but nothing drastic. mainly just little things ive changed when drawing them in more detail, like additional scars and such.

while making kohane a sheep and akito a dog (hes... not a specific kind of dog. hes a mix of a whole bunch of different larger domestic dog breeds combined with some wild canines. ) were obvious from the set, deciding on the animals for an and touya required a bit more thought. i ended up settling on a fox for an partially as a nod to her ny3 card and also because for a long time now ive thought theyre fitting for her anyway, and touya as a black leopard because... he's kitty. but i wanted to make him a big kitty not a domestic kitty. i do also like bunny touyas but for how i was feeling with this au i wanted him to be a cat.

theres the fun little detail that kohane is the only animal that isnt a predator in vbs.

but i should probably explain why theyre animal hybrids in this au.

im going to put the rest of the lore dump and more art below, this gets long.

basically, in the face of a coming apocalypse, there was an effort to attempt to hybridize humans with animals to see if they could create a form of human (or something seen as "human enough") that would be more resilient if the apocalypse threatened the survival of normal humanity. it was never completely successful and the hybrids were less stable/generally shorter lived (if physically stronger) but it ended up being unnecessary and enough of humanity survived to rebuild. but the experiments to create hybrids continued.

in the present day of the au, hybrids are created for... less pleasant tasks. the kinds of things people dont want to take on, and theyre physically stronger than the average human so theyre put to those jobs instead. or theyre created as showpieces/pets for the wealthy (most people outside of those circles find it strange to keep hybrids like that though. hybrids arent always seen as being truly human (although theyre fully capable of everything human and then some) but theyre still seen as human enough for it to be weird).

many of them though, are created as sacrifices for entertainment in battle arenas where theyll have to fight each other to the death. its a seemingly inevitable fate to die there once theyre sent, but escape has happened before. an is living proof of that, as both of her parents are escaped arena fighters who helped establish a small town of hybrids out in the wasteland beyond the city at the core of hybrid creation and sacrifice.

how an ended up as an arena fighter despite being born well outside the city... thats a long story.

touya is a showpiece fighter, created to fight but kept secure and safe outside of his registered fights. he might be healthier physically, much less worn down by fighting, but hes been very socially isolated and doesnt fit in with other hybrids very well.

an and touya fight in the same arena, and touyas fight days are the only times he interacts with other hybrids. hes given free reign around the hybrid compound (where most other hybrids are restricted under collars and chains) and he ends up meeting an there. although tense, they become sort of friends and he frees her and they escape together.

kohane and akito are just normal arena fighters, created solely for that purpose, although kohane was meant as an early sacrifice due to her skittish nature, but she survives. theyre in the same arena as each other, although its a harsher one than the one antouya are in, theyre unable to properly interact with anyone else at all and are just lucky enough to be neighbors to end up bonding.

i just grouped them based on which side of their face they have the barcodes on in the original cards lol in this au the arenas generally brand their fighters with a code for identifying them. touyas is actually not permanent like the others, but temporarily applied whenever he has a fight coming up (like a temporary tattoo lol)

kohane managing to survive despite the intention being that she dies is actually the driving force that starts the fic for this au (which fun fact, despite me never mentioning the title, does have a title! the fic will be called "fight, flight, freedom", unless i think of something that fits even better, but i already like the title as is so i probably wont change it)

its rough but i promise everyone gets a happy ending eventually :)

now for sitting through all that rambling heres some art

heres my very initial attempts at designs for them! no drastic changes even since this initial pass at designs tbh i was pretty content with them pretty quickly

some various doodles of them interacting, some during/around the time of the fic and others post-fic

what if they were... more animal? like furries instead of just the ears/tails? obviously noncanon but it was a fun little thing to draw

wip aged up designs! heavily inspired by the power of unity set because it also fits into the post apocalyptic type theme and i thought would work for them when theyre a little older. assume theyre about 20-21 here, while in the main canon of the au theyre about 16-17.

a silly little sketch i did last week of aged up akikoha in their burn my soul outfits... kohane cant really wear hats, horns are inconvenient for that. everyone elses ears would probably make hats difficult too, but you could probably make holes for their ears. you cant really make holes for the tops of her horns.

some little finished pieces i did for this au. can you tell akito is my favorite to draw for this?

now heres some other random au facts

an and haruka are childhood friends, haruka also being the child of ferals. haruka is a domestic cat hybrid (either a gray or black cat, i havent decided which yet). she is not in their hometown anymore either. where is she now...? ill leave you to wonder about that.

kohane and minori grew up in the same group of created hybrids together, theyre friends but were sent to different places so they dont know whats happened to each other since. minori is a goat btw (inspired by her halloween card)

a lot of ans scars are from injuries that snowballed after an incident in a fight that severely broke her tail and led to part of it being amputated. her balance was thrown off for a while after that so she was a little clumsier in fights than normal

akitos scars on the other hand are caused by the fact that hes a reckless fighter. a good fighter, but not much care for the damage he takes in the process. that and improper padding on his collars and muzzle, leaving those spots unable to fully heal from being rubbed against metal for months and when they finally do heal they scarred.

im still sorting things out for sure but tentatively for vbs npcs i have decided on fox ken and yuka (obviously, same as an), tiger taiga (i mean... how could i not go for the pun. and i think it suits him), maned wolf nagi (update march 2024 ive drawn nagi now so this is what has been made canon), raccoon kotaro, caracal arata, and dog souma (sorry to any tatsuya fans, i have not figured out how to include him in the au at all)

vbs all very clingy with each other once they get comfortable together. platonic polysquad ❤️

other characters outside of vbs exist in this au but theyre just not relevant enough to the story for me to include here 👍

the fic outline is like 2.4k words. the first chapter is a couple scenes away from being finished and its about 5k words. it will not be the longest chapter of the fic. this is going to be a long au.

maybe ill do another lore dump another day if i can think of more stuff. well see.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading, heres an edit i made the moment we got high quality versions of the cards and is probably partially responsible for the existence of this au

[py6oto]

more hlvrai x yume nikki au stuff!!!

this post is gonna have a lot more text than my usual posts. so sorry if you don't want that.

so people seemed to really like my idea (which is really unexpected !! i didn't expect it to gain any attention at all!!! but its also super awesome and im so glad they do!!) so ive been brainstorming a little bit.

heads up i know yume nikki is a very ambiguous game but im pretty new to it so if i happen to get any established information wrong please let me know !? ty !!

anyways. before we do the effects. please take some sprites.

(body horror ((multiple eyes, messed up limbs, gunshot sounds)) under the cut!!! pls stay safe !!! ) (also a huge lore dump. sorry!)

id think this au takes place in a universe where the resonance cascade was real (aka not a game or simulation) and it'd be like, maybe a few months after it. gordon is traumatized as hell and it haunts his subconscious to the point he feels the need to isolate himself completely. he relives his trauma through eerily consistent dream worlds and then dies on a random tuesday. credits roll. audience cheers. wonderful story.

the vision for the sprites is that tommy functions as a "friendly" npc (like monoko and the other girl i forget the name of please forgive me) and benrey functions as poniko, uboa being "xenrey" or essentially messed up alien benrey (the weird...white...blood....world...room...uboa takes you to when you interact with it is simply replaced by xen. that's it. benreys house is a direct gateway to that time gordon fought god and won and isn't that amazing.)

i might remake the "uboa" sprite in the future because i don't really like it right now. im very new to pixel art and imitating YMNK's style is a little hard.

i like to think this imaginary game would have the teensiest tiny bit of dialogue, only when interacting with benrey. when you interact with his "regular" form, he says "you're not supposed to be here." and repeats it every time you interact, not saying anything else.

i know one of the biggest things that makes yume nikki stand out is its lack of dialogue, but listen, i think it would work well!!! seeing as this is the only time a character actually talks to gordon through understandable dialogue (unless i come up with something else!! haha) i think it would be confusing and throw players off because it breaks the pattern of being either ignored or silently acknowledged. someone talking directly to you after hours of isolation is confusing and unpredictable. which is what benrey is. confusing as hell!

im not sure what function tommy would offer, if any, i kinda want him to maybe give gordon an effect (soda effect could work?)

i dont think he'd bring any jumpscares or intentionally unsettling things to the table. seeing as he was the only one by gordon's side when the rest of the team proved itself to be a threat, i think it's logical he'd remember tommy in a warmer light than the others- which is reflected in how instead of unsettling or ignoring gordom, dream tommy simply smiles and gives him the ability to drink a soda any time. soda effect.

does this soda effect make you see faster like tommy said?

as much as i'd love to, no. probably not. because i have no idea what the hell seeing faster means.

maybe you can get a caffeine overdose. if you spam 1 enough times you will get very fast for as long as the soda effect is on. like the bycicle effect, but better, because you can taste it!

but no, it won't help you see faster. i don't know how to translate that sentence into understandable english.

now, coomer and bubby!!!! i apologize very deeply for i have not made sprites for them yet. i promise i will!!! it's just very late today and if i draw anything else i will actually just pass out.

im not very sure what i want for them yet. i think theyd be similar to tommy, but they'd have different functions. maybe they all give gordon different effects. or maybe they scare him! i dunno, i feel like there'd be a certain level of distrust from gordon to the old guys, like, of course he doesn't hate them but itd be hard to remember them super kindly and harmlessly when one of them ruthlessly tried to murder you with 300 clones of himself and the other tricked you into an ambush that cost you your arm, as much as you love them.

also!!! i completely forgot gordon lost an arm when i made his sprite. oops. it's okay its just a very realistic prosthetic

anyways. this post is getting too long so i think I'll save the boomer talk for when i actually post their sprites. its time for EFFECTS !!

i haven't been able to come up with many words yet. but i have some effects and a slight idea of how gordon would earn them.

concept art is beautiful

from left to right (because my handwriting is absolutely hideous!)

SODA - earned by interacting with TOMMY. wherever tommy is??? i dunno! pressing 1 will make gordon drink the soda and earn a temporary speed boost.

CAR??? - part of me really wants to rename this one but it's so funny to me i want to keep it. it's just a car. he literally just whips out a car and starts driving. what a legend. this effect lets him get across water areas faster (even faster than the soda!)

LONG HAIR - literally just gives him long hair. there is no practical use for this. nothing will happen. it just gives him long hair. isnt he beautiful.

ARM - earned by interacting with a dismembered arm found... somewhere.... probably some dark room. you know that effect where madotsuki literally just becomes a head? yeah. this is that but it's an arm because of course it is. this is an opportunity and i will not give it up. there is no use for this either. it just makes him a slow sad lonely arm.

MINIGUN - found by interacting with a certain object in POTION !! WORLD !! YEAHHH!! DARNOLD REFERENCE !!! pressing 1 will let you shoot the hell out of your enemies and make them pay for their sins

SWEET VOICE - found by interacting with any of the orbs in COLOR WORLD. 1 will allow gordon to song a beautiful, colorful song that will soothe any npcs he might have angered and make them stop trying to murder him.

POWERLEGS - MAYBE given by coomer npc? idk! this is all brainstorming and a work in progress! 1 makes gordon jump real high, allowing him to reach otherwise unaccessible areas

GHOST - ghost. he's a ghost. he's transparent. he flies. 1 makes him do a little ooooo noise and all the npcs run away from him because the place is haunted. ghost.

GLASSES - literally just pick up some glasses from the floor. putting them on will uncover a few hidden details across the map that may be necessary for progress ... like a very small and specific set of stairs

SMALL - makes gordon very small. i thought the original effect was super fun so i just kept it unchanged. small gordon. he can clone himself and make a gordon army. small. im thinking he finds it thru a coomer clone that is abnormally small. he interacts. small effect. small!

SHORT HAIR - literally just short hair. gordon can't seem to pick a haircut!

UMBRELLA - ...umbrella. makes it rain. shelters gordon from the rain at the same time. can be used for the same purpose it has in yume nikki which is putting out fires or stopping pre-existing rain.

there's supposed to be more effects and i still need to plan all the worlds and hidden rooms but ........ maybe when the sun is out and i have slept and i can think better !!! let me know whatever suggestions or ideas you guys have. i love hearing them a lot ^_^ thank you if you read all of this!! i promise hlvrai animations are not over this is just an au that has temporarily taken over its okay my content is not changing to yume nikki hlvrai only

gordon no

2023.07.27

[olde-scratch]

needed an art dump for all my (admittedly not very good) sketches for souichi from my saiki k/junji ito crossover so heres his house layout

and no it's not harsh black on white its ao3 dark mode colors (very pleasing to the eye) so u don't need to worry abt eyestrain

heres the whole house and its layout

i dont actually know if they would have a wall around their house, but i assume they would bc that seems like a staple in Japanese properties regardless of price. their yard is smaller than pictured, i just didn't wanna obscure it too much.

the house looks bad but it gives u a good idea of what it looks like so

in case u cant read my writing bc of the stabilizer, next to the tv in the 1st floor is the shrine. next to the stairs is the washer and dryer and then the bathroom.

the 2nd floor notes explain that the hallway is covered in various framed pictures of the tsujii family with a significant jump from right before fuchi's attack to after. (ill probably go more into depth if souichi ever brings anyone over, but souichi is normally smirking or obviously annoyed in most pics pre-fuchi, but just looks miserable or actually in pain in any after)

the attic. i havent decided whats up there, but ive decided that the door is locked and souichi stole the key. i might have mentioned that the house didn't have an attic, and i like that idea, so i think the attic's totally unuseable due to the insulation and stuff. souichi probably would have cleaned it up if he wasn't injured, but yk.

the downstairs is def inspired by the anime "inuyashiki" it's so heartwrenching i watched it twice and cried both times. highly recommend. it's basically if light yagami got turned into a robot alongside an old man and it's only 10 or 11 episodes but GOD im gonna make more references to it at some point.

souichi's bedroom

souichi’s the standing thingy while the other thingy standing against his wardrobe is that weird statue thingy he has which ive decided it a halloween prop he got and decided it was a hone onna he captured and sealed

for reference, souichi's about 5"4, but his hunch (which is probably more dramatic than shown) makes him seem a lot shorter. canonically, he's like 4"9-11 but everyone thought he was 5"4 so i figured i'd make him 5"4.

theres stuff in the bookshelf i just didnt feel like putting anything in there. the emptiness on top of the shelves and the actual shelf is intentional bc souichi cant comfortably reach them!! he also doesn't have that cloth over his light bc once again he can't reach it. that's also why his hone onna is propped between the dresser and the wardrobe rather than hanging, bc he couldn't put it up and no one helped him

i also hope that the proportions are right. souichi wouldn't be able to reach a top shelf within the wardrobe and i think he's a bit too tall in the second pic but u know what i mean

the thingy with the wheels by the door is actually a thingy i have irl! its got three levels of tiny shelves with abt 3 inch walls. i use it to store my sewing stuff and any fabric or yarn i need for current projects. its also a lot taller. (sorry that its blurry and the lines are thicker than the other stuff i had to resize and didn't feel like redrawing)

his wardrobe's got clothes in it, but i think his bookshelf would probably have a few books and then his dolls everywhere else. his kokkuri geisha is top-shelf and constantly berates him when he talks to it about giving it a proper place to sit. souichi can't move her tho bc her box is so heavy and no one wants to touch it anymore. (it was put there temporarily and misako and shuji kept putting off putting her elsewhere)

if anyone wants a closeup of any room just ask!! ive got heights for all the characters planned and i might sketch out some of the pictures on the walls

[artist-assassin]

ok i need to know more about ellaria STAT. and your thoughts on rosy + the rosymance !!

RRRRR OK OK but ive only played the public demo so far i havent paid for the patreon/closed demo yet, so i have very little information about the Rosymance in general. info dump and stats below

Ellaria is the humorous / cheerful kinda Button, about 5'5", and she calls her brother Nick-Nack in the game but I imagine she will call him any random number of names off the top of her head (based off of when I played Fallout 4 and I would often call Nick any random nickname like Nicki Minaj, Nickle Pickle, Nickolodeon, Nickaroni and Cheese, etc lol). She has some insecurities because she compares herself to her brother a lot, but she tries to tough it out and beat up her bad thoughts bc she's an unstoppable optimist!!! Stubborn to a fault she refuses to back down once she sets her mind to something. Is a very nice person but gets very socially awkward in large groups, and sometimes lashes out when she gets frustrated by how fragile people treat her (the first thing that made her like Instructor Kim was that he didnt beat around the bush abt her zero but didnt treat her like a kid either!! shes like damn finally some respect around here)

Loves Nick so much (i got like a 160% relationship with him in the open demo lol) looks up to him like her personal hero + mentor. Loves her dad even though it's a little bit strained, has not seen or spoken to her mother in 4 or 5 years after The Incident(tm). but she misses her mom a lot she, she's half scared of her mom hurting her and half scared she will hurt her mom.

I chose the pre-prepared name Ella when I first started playing bc I didn't know what the game was about so I wasn't prepared to like.. make an OC for it until I decided I liked it enough lol. But I compromised by just naming her Ellaria and Ella is her nickname. Here are her stats by whatever chapter is the last one in the open demo (8 i think?)

I LOVE AMBROSE KIM... i played as bisexual in my first go as Ella so i had no idea the genders for some charas changed until I checked the Ambrose Kim tag on tumblr lol. but im way more into rosy as a man than as a woman... Mr Kim u can instruct me any day,..

Like I said tho I don't know a lot about the Rosy romance because I only played the open demo, and I know the author says his romance takes the longest to flower because of the whole teacher/student aspect so he's actively trying to NOT fall for button.. well too bad bitch I'm gonna be so respectable and hot he's gonna have no choice.

anyway im gonna get the patreon this week (friday probably) so i can update u on how i feel soon jhgjhlks i also love all of the characters ngl. i would romance all of them in separate playthroughs.

and u didnt ask but ill mention Kali also, my 2nd Wiseman. shes NUTS. i made her to be the exact opposite of my first humorous, cheerful, ready-to-take-on-the-world girl Ella - so Kali is grim and not nice at all and technically still ready to take on the world but more in a "the whole world is my enemy" kind of way instead of the "i wont let anything stop me" ella way. She's VERY resentful about her zero and is one bad look from a ment away from strangling someone

sorry for the long ramble jhagdwj youre the first person who is talking to me about this game that has become my newest obsession (and u were the one who got me into it so UR responsible for this mess) and im happy to share it w someone :3c

pls feel free to tag me in any mind blind stuff u post, whether fanart or oc art or just rambles n stuff i dont care ill love it all. thank u

[landminousbodaciousness]

@mostpowerfrog I MEAN. aside from my last post being insanely wrong, i was like also kind of right but i must admit i didnt expect it to be this cute <;3 good work on this thing !! and by this thing im talking about vampire x hunter if it wasnt clear ;;

let me ummm dump about the whole thing here real quick. so overall, its great !! and like it feels like it hit me way harder cuz of how long the wait was between the updates so i was just like getting residual hype in the background from wanting it to be complete and then when i saw u actually post about it was all like: It's feasting time. and like it was so worth !! the story doesnt need to be super complex to suck me in but it still had like really interesting elements to it that like make more sense now considering the direction u went

like, for some reason i expected it to be more wrapped up even tho i kno thats not really your style so i didnt even consider it going this direction BUT that also means my first post may be more true further into the story like arcen questioning his whole motivation for this and the whole bannon clan and also more stuff about vance and and. ugh this is also one of your strengths where combined with the exposition and worldbuilding and characters and the small bit of story we get to see it really makes it seem like theres a whole world with a grand long story to tell if we were to ever explore it which is SO COOL but at the same time kills me a lil bit knowing ill never have like 300 chapters of your comics ...

that leads me to ask, do you have a lot of ideas for your comics that dont make it in or do you just have this small story you wanted to tell and then had to come up with all the stuff around it to have an excuse to make it? like, "ok, cool design just dropped. i wanna have him fight some other guy cuz its cool." and then coming up with a motivation for the mc and the whole story? or is it more like you already had some plans for characters and a story like this and then just had to execute it?

but umm yeah i def like this more than tenfold rings EVEN THOUGH tenfold rings has the same strengths and it was still great but this feels like you took that in stride and then made a more polished pilot for a potential longer story, aswell as having like way more of a settled(?) artstyle... ?? ok at this point im just saying words but i mean its even more flowy and the pacing is suited exactly to my taste and the paneling is really cool and the art is kind of like janky on purpose? like working with a pen with no line weight change or tapering and then allowing some parts to look super off-model to exaggerate the characters better while still having a lot of cool perspective shots and composition, n then also not trying to make aspects look too polished like some lines in the background will be going to the middle of nowhere but the overall composition and look from afar is so strong it doesnt even matter (it kind of makes it sound like an insult but this is great i tell u bc i spend way too much time focusing on polishing some random thing no one will care about) so basically you kno where to put your strengths and what people will actually pay attention to so you dont have to spend too much work

the action for me is also way more readable i remember being a little lost in some panels of tenfold and it wasnt exactly focused on action so it didnt matter too much but everything in vxh is readable and that makes the action scenes feel like ... awesomesauce swagaliciousness !! ive gotta say i aspire to learn your ways because therses so many cool small things i keep noticing on rereads that you did with the art and i especially love the paneling and use of contrast IT JUST LOOKS SO GOOD !!

im sorry though that you had to fight thru artblock n burnout to just get it out, def fine with you doing whatever for your next projects as long as it makes you feel more comfortable with creating the stuff and without burning yourself out n all that :v whether its more pilot comics or some longer form thing or some other medium idc!! u can probably tell im insanely rabid about your art so ill literally take whatever you make. and this is like supremely strange to me because im never obsessed with anyone elses art so i guess you somehow managed to scratch that itch no one else could thus far :O

so overall thoughts: vampire x hunter SUPREMELY goated and you should feel good about it forever. and good luck with every endeavor you ever pursue in the future forever +maximum

[pomarrillo]

HIIIIIIIII 2022 art summary and rambling be upon ye

ok so i usually make and post these for my deviantart but then dA started supporting... a-🤢🤢ai-🤢ai GENERATION BASED ON THE STABLE DIFFUSION MODEL 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

i ended up deactivating my account so now im just gonna dump these here every december :) anyway art summary be upon ye

(i just wrote over my one from 2020 bc i was too lazy to make an og format LOL)

yeah!! i feel like I made good progress in regards to the goals i made last year (better composition, stronger colors, etc. etc.)... the pieces i made this year are definitely more busier-looking than my 2021 and 2020 summaries. howeverrr theres a drop in quality from August to October tho bc I went on a trip to the Philippines with my mom and only had my ipad lol 😭 I’m not too good with procreate yet

hmm but yuh im p satisfied with the stuff I’ve made. i’m still trying to figure out my rendering style but I like where it’s going so far! esp with my november pieces (ty so much for the 1k on that souyo art btw i was so giddy drawing it and was really excited to post it 🥺so real)...

for goals, i’d like to work more on drawing complex bgs that are more urban/interior, better framing and dynamic perspective, varied color palettes, and more expressive character movement! that last one was one of my goals from last year too and while i think i did improve, it still has this stiffness i gotta hammer out. gotta keep on that anatomy study grinddd, its the only way

also i graduated from hs this year and im getting ready for spring semester college in a month 🥺 im majoring in design and im so excited to take actual art classes for the first time!! the workfield im trying to get into isn’t really related to illustration at all but im hyped to apply the stuff i learn in those classes into my fanart art hobby LOL.... I GOT MY PRIORITIES STRAIGHT FOR REALLLL ✊✊

but yeah besides all that i effed up a lot this year and did a lot of stuff im ashamed of but im still gonna try and be better. i was so bitter about everything in my personal life and i just can’t be like that anymore. i write this stuff for me to reflect and look back on but tysm if you read it too 🥺 this blog has been such a great outlet for me to let it go and im so thankful to have people look at the stuff ive made... im fully aware i dont know anyone here personally and im just making art content but that small connection of liking the same things means so much to me already. any like, any tag, any thought... just!!! thank u!! fuck it we ball 2023!!

also look at my dogs slappable bald ass head

[pineappleciders]

3 for the asks. 🔫 answer now

u wanr me to rant. you REALLY wnat me to rant.

i am abojt to dump about everything on my mind rn⚠️⚠️ beware

it's 12:38 am im on the tkuelt and im so tired i need to sleep, i have a huge problem wit staying up too late. i always go on my phone too long or start drawing and i dont let myself stop draieng u til the deawing is finished. i used to wake up at 12 everyday w an alarm but ive started waking up esrlier, dont get me wrong i like it because i get more daylight and i feel like i have more time to do thifns but i'm actually so tired. like i'm eepy all the time because i usually need like 9-10 hours of sleep to feel well rested and now im getting up eith like 7-8, which is a normal amount of sleep but i kust dont feel like im getting enoguh rest. the deaiwnf thing is another tbing, i get random motivation to draw ar night and i always stay up until 7 am drawing for no reason. i can never finish an art piece or polish one to amke it look good,, i made some valentiens drawings tht im gonna post for valentines day but sshh dont tell anyone🤫 im also probably gona write some stuff for valentiens day like omori stuff. and mayhaps more drawings,, who knwos. but anyways i played a lot of overwtahc eith my friende tosay and it was fun, my thiat hurts and im geberally very tired . i tried to make bjt artworks but i gaveup and i made cute little things instead, i sipsoe i ahve ro take baby steps🤕🤕🤕

spoilers for cupid ye, ep1 s26 south park

honestly??? i liekd the whole kanye thign i think it wad funnt, but idk what it is i feel liek its changed. like the kids r all on tiktok and theyre like stucky little opad kkids now. i kidna miss when the characters were all like,, kids born in idk the 90's and i miss the old nostalgic south park. i think south park is still going strong even after 25 yeats which im super proud of rhme for, but the eps are about like stuff hapoening now and idk. i feel lkke they mignt be running out of ideas. the episode wass till funny tho btj i physically recoiled during the tiktok parts . it seems like cartman is different. like was the epsiode implyifj that he takes meds to suppress his anti-semitism because if so thgS hilarious but like. hes changed so much idk. i still lvoe him but if eelike theyre minda confused on whag to do with cartmand character atp

[sapphicsunfox]

Its so painful to just accept that she hates me. I think I coped deluding myself into thinking that haha she couldnt truly hate me. There was love there. It cant just die. And even if she didnt love me, there has to be at least something other than hate?

But she despises me. She says i made her miserable. And i know its valid and of course that might be true. Maybe i did make her miserable. I was a lot to handle, i was shaken, i was hurt, i didnt have any tools, i was suicidal. And I regret the colateral damage i caused to those who cared about me. And im sorry i didnt give you enough time, and im sorry i dumped my sadness into you. Im sorry i didnt tell you enough times how much I loved you. Im sorry i took you for granted cause breaking up with my soulmate was unfathomable. Im sorry i didnt try harder, that i didnt ask harder. I wanted to love you right. All i wanted was to love you right cause what was the point of loving if you dont feel loved back? Im sorry i didnt know how to handle it ans caused you pain. Im sorry i didnt communicate better. Im sorry for the times i was scared and it hurt you. Im sorry i didnt express better. Im sorry i made fun of a show you liked. Im sorry i didnt take you on more dates. Im sorry i didnt ask for more clarification when you said you wanted a break. I got scared. I thought i lost you (i did). I never wanted to lose you.

I know now it doesnt matter. I can be sorry all i want, i can better myself and learn and improve and become a bettee person, but to you ill always be The Toxic Ex. And im sorry about that, too. You also were that for me, for a while. It took me a long time to accept youre the person ive loved the most and i couldnt hate you. Not when i was so happy you loved me I cried when you said for the first time. Not when i couldnt hold my smile when i looked at you. Not when i wanted you to come live with me so your mother wouldnt hurt you anymore. Not when i wanted to travel the world with you and have a dog and a rat. I wanted to be your family. I wanted to cherish you. I loved you.

I love you, still.

So it hurts that you genuinely hate me and i made you miserable. But youre allowed to. Its not my place to change your mind, to make you talk to me. To message you. You have your life, you have a boyfriend. Youre probably not even living in this city anymore. I dont wanna let you go, i dont want it to end like this. I want us to talk and make amends. Hell, even as friends. I dont care. I just want to make sure you know i loved you with all i had in me. It was very broken, but it was all yours.

But you despise me. You think my art is shitty. You think im shitty. I think you were the love of my life. I cant hold on to this tiny hope that maybe, maybe if we talked- its gonna destroy me. Its destroying me already. I wanna throw up, im anxious. Im hurt. I wanna make things right.

You blocked me the second you came across my shitty art, and i respect that. I have to, for you and for me. Im sorry I even thought about messaging you. Im sorry for the messages i drafted. Im sorry for the messages i sent. I was desperate, to be honest. I never wanted to lose you. You were my everything, but all I did was made you sad, right?

I hope your boyfriend treats you right. I hope you find happiness and joy. Selfishly, I want you to think of me and wonder what if. I want you to wonder if you should send a message. I want you to stalk my socials just to know how I'm doing. But I can't keep being selfish. We deserve better than this one sided thing I have going on. And im sorry I didnt get to make amends. I wish you had apologized, too. I'd hold you. I'd cry, probably. Always been a bit of a crybaby. I'm so vulnerable when it comes to you.

If you see me on the streets, I hope you say hi.

I love you. Im sorry.

Maybe in another life.

[thetrashqueenofeverything]

rare annual lore dump/vent post. cw: life talk

oough feelin some type of way starting up classes again but also im in a way better place than i was years ago! im apprehensive to even feel positive about it, i keep waiting for the rug to get swept out from under me. idk how i even landed in my current job the more i think about it the more i feel imposter syndrome crawling up my throat. i also dont particularly see myself as this kind of person but i guess how you perceive yourself and what you want seen as are different things huh. might even get to retire at an early age if things go well its insane to me. i dont hate it but its not my passion. i am happier bearing it though.

i know i wont have classes completed in time it wasnt avoidable now that i look at it, i'll have to break that news... it makes me scared but its not all encompassing and oppressive like it used to be

and ive been in a better mood now and picking up art again - if only a little bit - is enough to make me cry. its been a rough last fucking decade i swear. last two years were ass.

i guess it also feels weird being able to be a confidently functioning person again. depression consumed so much of me for so long. i didnt get the help i needed and it was harder to pull back from essentially alone since i cut everyone off. i genuinely dont remember whole years, it was bad. and i have a lot to write about it but im glad im still around. todays weather was nice

my mind is set on getting a tattoo like ive always wanted! i never particularly cared for meanings/symbolism as long as i love the art however my mind wandered to a phoenix. might look into commissioning from a particular artist i follow. lineart only maybe,, no idea what to do about the colors though

i need to make more vent posts like this i need to be more selfish for myself i need to stop letting my thoughts get caught up in themselves i almost didnt type this post out i need to stop holding things in maybe its alright