#also it’s tragic that hurt/comfort wasn’t on here

[pedroscurls]

the ultimate masterlist: ➢ 18+ only, mdni ➢ 🌶️ - smut || ❤️‍🩹 - angst || 🥰 - fluff last updated: jan 8, 2025

PEDRO PASCAL

FRANKIE MORALES

❤️‍🩹 always here for you: Frankie comforts you as you cope with your grief.

❤️‍🩹 chance encounters [COMPLETE]: you’ve suddenly and tragically lost your best friend and can’t handle the grief. until four strangers give you a glimmer of hope that things will (and can) get better.

❤️‍🩹 hold my hand: for years, you have been in love with Frankie. everyone else saw it, except him, and you never had the courage to tell him how you truly felt. instead, you stuck by his side even when it hurt. and after Colombia, he hadn’t been the same. you knew he had demons (being a veteran and all), but this… this was different. would Frankie finally open his eyes and realize that the woman he was meant to be with had been right in front of him all along?

❤️‍🩹🌶️ third time's a charm [COMPLETE]: there is history between you and Frankie. In fact, you have both broken up twice and yet, you still seem to find your way back to each other. could this third chance be the last and final one?

JAVIER PEÑA

❤️‍🩹🌶️ all we are: you and Javier have history and have been in this endless cycle for years, always trying to “one-up” each other, but what happens after a night of steamy, dirty sex that the truth finally comes out?

❤️‍🩹🌶️ innocent eyes: Javier and his partner, Steve Murphy, finally have one night off. so, when they go to a local bar to unwind, Javier certainly wasn’t expecting you to walk through the doors.

JOEL MILLER

❤️‍🩹🌶️ always been you [COMPLETE]: you and Joel have become best friends, but as the years pass, you both realize that the love you have for each other goes beyond just “best friends”. will either of you have the courage to express your true feelings or will you both just remain secretly in love with each other?

❤️‍🩹 broken souls [IN PROGRESS]: what happens when you realize love isn’t enough? and when years later, you meet again that all the pain and heartbreak comes rushing back… like it never left.

❤️‍🩹🌶️ dirty little secret [IN PROGRESS]: when your best friend and his fiancée, Sarah, have their belated engagement party (kicking off their pre-wedding parties), you meet the father of the bride and realize that he’s completely off limits. but you always did like older men, and Joel? well, maybe he could be your dirty little secret.

🌶️ guys night out: Tommy takes Joel to a strip club.

🥰 in case you didn't know: Joel steps out of his comfort zone and puts his feelings into words the best way he knows how.

❤️‍🩹🌶️ the teacher [IN PROGRESS]: you have been on your own for over a year and after Maria saves you and brings you to Jackson, you try and settle in, doing your best to contribute to the community. though, it doesn’t help that your neighbor, Joel Miller, reminds you of a special person from before Outbreak day.

MARCUS PIKE

🥰🌶️ second chances [IN PROGRESS]: after Marcus moves to DC - alone - he’s determined to just focus on work. after a failed marriage followed with his failed relationship with Lisbon, Marcus believes that love just isn’t in the cards for him anymore. until you move in next door.

HUGH JACKMAN

REAL PERSON FANFICTION (note: i am no longer writing rpf)

🌶️ ❤️‍🩹 🥰 training partners [COMPLETE]: you hire a new personal trainer to get you back on track, but you don't realize that she's also hugh jackman's trainer until you show up to the gym. ↳ pt 1. - pt 2. - pt. 3 - pt. 4 - pt. 5 - pt. 6 - pt. 7 - pt. 8 - pt. 9 - pt. 10 - pt. 11 - pt. 12 - pt. 13 - pt. 14 - pt. 15 - pt. 16 - pt. 17

🌶️ ❤️‍🩹 secret crushes: you've known hugh for years, having not only a personal friendship with him, but also a professional one. then, ryan decides to play matchmaker unbeknownst to you or hugh. ↳ pt. 1 (can be read as a standalone) - pt. 2 (which includes blake and ryan with reader!)

🌶️ sneak away with me: you sneak away with hugh during a party.

🌶️ welcome to broadway: it's the anniversary of oklahoma! and with it being your first broadway show, hugh takes you under his wing to show you the ropes. along the way, you realize that you've developed feelings for him.

🌶️ 🥰 baby, stay in bed: head over heels in love with hugh, you spend the night for the first time... and realize that hugh feels the same way.

🌶️ save a horse, ride a cowboy: hugh takes you to go flower picking, but all you can think about is taking him back to his car and riding him.

🥰 let the world know: you and hugh have been keeping your relationship a secret... until hugh accidentally lets millions of his followers know exactly who he's been dating.

🥰 cooking with hugh: hugh gets to see you in action... and he reaps the benefits too.

🥰 the first date: hugh takes you out for your first date.

🥰 sunday nights: sunday nights with hugh are your favorite -- movie night, cuddling, and finally some alone time with him.

🌶️ 🥰 romantic getaway: hugh takes you to greece for a romantic getaway after rumors of your relationship with him start to circulate the media... but there's no hiding it anymore.

🥰 first impressions: hugh meets your kids for the first time.

🥰 bad influence: already running late for work, hugh convinces you to call in sick.

🥰 mesmerized from afar: despite your relationship with hugh being out in the open, you both still do your best to keep it professional in the public eye... until hugh makes it very obvious during a hollywood event.

🌶️ 🥰 our little secret: ryan and blake try to set you and hugh up, but little do they know, you've already been secretly seeing each other.

🌶️ you put a spell on me: hugh attends a masquerade-themed party and you capture his attention the moment you step into the building.

🥰 seasons changing: hugh and reader get ready for fall in new york.

🌶️ late to the party: possibly already late to ryan and blake's party, hugh becomes just slightly annoyed when you can't decide what to wear... and when he realizes that you're doing it on purpose, he only knows one way to make sure you don't do it again.

❤️‍🩹 better together: after filming finishes with deadpool & wolverine, your relationship with hugh progresses... until he breaks things off with you. it isn't until ryan invites you to the press tour that you see him again and finally have a serious conversation with him.

❤️‍🩹 🥰 in the shadows: hugh's excited to see you at his premiere, but when he sees the look on your face when he's posing with one of his co-stars, he's confused because you decide to leave without a word.

LOGAN HOWLETT

🌶️ runaway bride [old man!logan]: on the day of your wedding, you find out that your maid of honor and husband-to-be has been hooking up behind your back... and you run directly into the arms of a stranger to help you cope with the sudden betrayal.

🌶️ just the tip [old man!logan]: you're ready to take the next step with logan, but you're still a bit nervous.

🥰🌶️ christmas confessions [COMPLETE - origins!logan]: unable to go back home for christmas, you spend it with logan - the man you had been in love with for years.

❤️‍🩹🌶️ in every lifetime [COMPLETE - worst!wolverine]: you lost logan in this universe. logan lost you in his. what happens when you both see each other again, but realize that you're both from different worlds? ↳ pt. 1 - pt. 2 - pt. 3 - pt. 4 - pt. 5

🌶️ touch starved [worst!wolverine]: logan agreed to go out with wade, having been promised a low-key night, but he should've known than to trust wade for his word. he didn't agree to spend his night at a strip club and he's just about ready to leave until he sees you.

❤️‍🩹 you broke me first [xmen series!logan]: logan comes back to the mansion in search of you... but he's hurt you for the last time and you can't do this dance with him any longer.

WYATT BOSE (jamie getz)

🌶️ playing with fire: wyatt (aka, jamie) always had one thing on his mind: money. so after he and jonathan part ways, he meets you - a woman that suddenly makes him realize that there's more to life than treachery, manipulation, and violence. but when he has another chance at getting more money than he's ever had before, he goes back to his old ways... and you're more than willing to help him in any way possible.

[wardensextus]

Thanks @silhouette-sky for the tag! The conclusion to be drawn here is that I like tropes lol.

Tagging @catcti @blackyote @thepaladog @ryrkval @shawsbear @beastlyart and anybody else who wants to do it! I don’t necessarily know who reads fanfiction so please don’t be offended if I didn’t tag you 🙃

[cherienymphe]

Basic Training XVII (Peter Parker x Reader)

Warnings: NON-CON, DUB-CON, mentions of MURDER, violence, kidnapping, captivity, public sex, degradation, forced pregnancy, forced marriage, stockholm syndrome, ptsd, housewife kink, cop!Peter

➥ banner by @vase-of-lilies​ | divider by @whimsicalrogers

➥ series masterlist

summary: A pit stop during a road trip ends tragically when a small town cop sets his sights on you. You’re the newest addition in a long standing fucked up family tradition.

~

You stared into the darkness of the basement for what felt like too long.

It was quiet down there, but not the kind of quiet that felt comforting. It was the kind of silence that felt suffocating—taunting. It was so loud in its taunting, snickering at you and your idiocy and naivety. Even as you laid on the floor, feeling like the lowest of jokes, you couldn’t bring yourself to regret the decisions that brought you here.

Nat was your friend. Or at least, you liked to consider her one, and even faced with the threat of the worst punishment Steve could muster, you just couldn’t imagine yourself doing anything differently. You couldn’t imagine yourself waking Peter up that night and telling him you saw the redhead escaping, effectively alerting the other husbands to her presence, leading to her subsequent capture. It just wasn’t in you, and clearly none of these men—not even Peter—knew you at all if they thought it was.

The first time you tried to move, you couldn’t, and for a brief moment, you thought that Steve had injured you in his delight to toss you down the stairs like a sack of flour instead of a person. However, you quickly came to realize that wasn’t the case. You could move your fingers and toes fine, even twitch your leg, but you just couldn’t find the strength to move. You felt beyond defeated, and when you blinked, you weren’t shocked to feel a sting behind your eyes.

There was the most awful aching feeling in your chest, both heavy and hollow even though you didn’t know how that was possible. You wanted to cry and scream, but you also never wanted to utter another word ever again. You wanted to let out everything you felt since the moment you came here, but in the same breath, you desperately wanted to feel numb. If you didn’t feel a thing, then you couldn’t get hurt, and you hurt so much, right now.

Peter killed Michelle.

He didn’t help kill her, but he did kill her, and in the grand scheme of things, maybe that shouldn’t make a difference. After all, you’d still been under the impression that he did nothing while his brothers did. You’d still been under the belief that he allowed it to happen at best and helped it happen and cover it up at worst. So, why did Peter pulling the trigger make all the difference in the world to you?

Was it because you thought you were falling in love with him?

That thought had you squeezing your eyes shut, so tight that it hurt, and it was hard to hold back your sob. Your nails scraped against the hard floor as you shook, struggling to breathe as your stomach turned. Once you started it was so hard to stop, and it wasn’t long before the sound of your choked cries were filling the basement. It was a thought you’d considered before, but that was when he wasn’t a murderer.

That was when he hadn’t murdered your best friend.

How could you possibly rationalize it now? Deep down, you knew that this wasn’t your fault. Deep down you knew that there were names and studies dedicated to people in your position and the psychology behind it, but that didn’t make you feel any better. Peter had murdered your friend in cold blood…

…and you thought you loved him.

The thought made you want to be sick, and with horror, you could actually feel your stomach turning. You hurried to sit up, pressing the back of your hand to your mouth as you struggled to keep it down. The bathroom only some feet away was locked—wouldn’t be unlocked until someone came down to open it and let you in—and you didn’t think you could handle sitting in a room with your vomit just stewing in the corner.

Struggling to get to your feet, you pressed your other hand to your stomach, trying to settle it. Keeping your mouth closed, you breathed through your nose, lashes fluttering, and after some time, you slowly stumbled towards where you knew the bed to be. You didn’t care about turning on the light, finding no need, and when you sat down, your head drooped in defeat.

There was really no telling how long they’d keep you in here until they figured out what to do with you, and while you knew that Peter would try his damndest to get them to go easy on you, you also knew that they wouldn’t consider a word that left his mouth. You—and also Peter by extension—had proven Steve and the others right, and you found it unlikely they’d ever listen to another suggestion from Peter about you ever again. Or at the very least, not for a long time.

Besides, Peter wasn’t the aggrieved party.

Bucky was, and such a thought made you shudder. You’d done well to avoid attracting Bucky’s ire even though he reminded you of Steve in some ways. Although, unlike Steve, Bucky didn’t seem the type to look for any and every excuse to punish you as he’d prefer in a contrast to Peter’s methods. Bucky seemed—if nothing else—fair to you, and that’s what scared you the most.

Bucky now felt wronged by you.

So, there was really no telling what was in store for you.

You recalled the way he’d reached for you, desperately trying to get past Peter in his efforts to get his hands on you. You didn’t want to imagine what he would’ve done had he succeeded, and you swallowed as your mind went rampant with the possibilities. Your hand came up to graze the tear in your sleeve, wincing at the slight sting you felt when your finger came in contact with the skin. Some part of you knew that had Bucky succeeded, he just might have killed you in his rage, and where you once would’ve welcomed such a thought…

It only made your heart ache, now.

You didn’t want to die, and when you thought about why, your stomach only twisted into knots once again. Wrapping your arms around yourself, you keeled over, throat tight as you tried to swallow down another sob. Your chest hurt so much, feeling like someone had an iron grip on your heart and was just squeezing and twisting it to their content. When you gasped, a cry escaped with it, and the only other time you could recall feeling like this was the day you realized your friends were dead and you were all alone.

You cried until your throat felt raw, and you didn’t fight your body as it started to collapse to the floor, sliding off of the bed in a heap. Covering your face with your hands, your lightly dragged your nails down your skin, frame shaking as you rocked back and forth. Your stomach wouldn’t stop hurting, and you couldn’t stop shaking. In fear or anger or despair—you didn’t know.

You did know that this was all Peter’s fault. He was the one who decided he had to have you, as if you were some thing to be acquired instead of a human being with a life and feelings and autonomy. If it weren’t for him, your friends would still be alive, and you wouldn’t even be here. If it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t be feeling ripped apart by how you felt about the man who kidnapped and raped you. All of this was Peter’s fault…and even still…more than anything…

All you wanted was for him to hold you.

It was hard to say how long you stayed in the basement. The darkness and silence was endless, and it felt like months, but in reality, it was probably mere days. You did know that it was long enough for your stomach to ache from more than just fear and for your nightgown to stink from more than just sweat. You didn’t think you were capable of feeling embarrassed about that anymore. After all, Peter never made you feel like it was something to be embarrassed about, but that was before you heard the sound of the locks on the basement door.

Despite your shame, you couldn’t bring yourself to move.

Until the light from the top of the stairs outlined a familiar silhouette.

You merely stared at him as he stood on the first step, yours on him and his eyes on you. You couldn’t hear any noise coming from the main part of the house, and you said nothing when he closed the door behind him. Peter wasn’t good. You knew that since the beginning when he told you that everything he did was so that he could have you, making it all okay. Peter had never been good.

So, why did looking at him now hurt so much more than it ever had?

As soon as Peter was close enough, the first thing he did was take your face into his hands. You couldn’t really feel them, realizing that you got your wish to feel numb, and that just made your chest ache more. Just days ago you were desperate to feel the comfort of Peter’s touch, and now you couldn’t feel it, at all.

“Hey, pretty girl,” he murmured, face a mere inch away from yours.

When you didn’t say anything back, you noticed the way his face fell, lips pressed together as he eyed you. His gaze lingered on yours for the longest, thumbs just grazing your skin, and you watched the way his tongue darted out to swipe between his lips.

“We need to get you cleaned up.”

His words had you blinking, and it was only then did you notice the fresh dress resting on the crook of his arm. You didn’t ask him what day it was because it didn’t matter. You only knew what would be happening today, and it’s why the dress on Peter’s arm was so pretty. It was why you’d been locked in the basement for days. It was why Peter looked at you the way he did as he helped you stand.

“I’m so sorry,” were the words he murmured into your hair as soon as he leaned you against him.

What was he apologizing for exactly? For killing Michelle or lying to you about it? For taking you and ruining your life in the first place? Or for failing to protect you from the wrath of the other husbands? Maybe he was apologizing for what was to come, and that made you shut your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again as he brought your head to rest in the crook of his neck.

You didn’t respond—didn’t know how to—only allowing him to guide you into the bathroom after unlocking it. You couldn’t really say how you got naked, only feeling as if you blinked before finding yourself sitting in a tub of hot water with Peter raining water down over your head. He was talking to you, saying something that went in one ear and out of the other. All you could focus on was that dress on the toilet, wondering what they planned to make you do while wearing it.

When you felt the weight of Peter’s gaze, it was only then did you take note of the silence. You didn’t know if he’d asked you a question or if he simply opted to stare at you, but when his hand came up to graze the side of your face, you assumed it was the latter. Perusing you, you watched as his gaze became distracted by the shallow scrape on your arm from Bucky’s nails, and when Peter’s jaw tightened, you knew that he realized where it came from too.

“Peter,” you softly forced out, throat tight.

He gave you his undivided attention, and you licked your lips.

“What are they going to do to me?”

Your question came out almost inaudible, just barely above a whisper as you found yourself almost too afraid to ask—too fearful to want to know. When Peter’s face fell some, your own frown deepened, and when he sighed, your heart sank.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” he slowly told you, and you could see that he was telling the truth.

You knew that Peter would have no say in this, you’d known that, but faced with the knowledge that was completely in the dark only served to make your stomach twist more. Only this time, you weren’t able to stop it, and it was Peter who kept you from falling as you hurried to get out of the tub. You only just made it to the toilet in time, and with nothing in your stomach to throw up, all you expelled was bile.

One of Peter’s hands were on your waist, the other soothingly rubbing your back as you vomited again. With every heave of your stomach, you shook more and more, and when you were done, you could only stare at the wall behind the toilet.

“You’re sick,” he said, tone strained with worry.

You shook your head.

“No, I’m just… I’m scared,” you honestly told him, lifting your gaze to meet his. “…and heartbroken.”

Peter sadly tilted his head, and your lips quivered.

“Why did you lie to me?” you breathed. “Why did you…? Why did you minimize your part in it?”

You continued before Peter could lie some more.

“Why did you hold me and comfort me and tell me you weren’t as bad as them when you’re much worse?”

“I’m not,” he argued, grabbing your shoulder.

“…but you are,” you said with a frown. “At least with Steve and Tony and Bucky I know who they are. I fear them because they’ve shown me why I should.”

Peter pulled you closer, resting your head on his chest as he rocked you.

“You made me love you.”

The words came out small and choked, your face crumbling as Peter stilled, and you’d stupidly thought you had no more tears left. Your body proved you wrong, frame shaking as your chest tightened, a cry escaping you in the otherwise quiet bathroom. Peter didn’t respond right away, just holding you as you cried.

“I’m still the same person I was before you found out,” he whispered, rocking you. “…the same person you begged to run away with.”

You squeezed your eyes shut.

“I’m not proud of what I did,” he confessed. “…but it’s why I can hold you every night for as long as I want.”

He leaned down to gently kiss your forehead, and your vacant and tearful gaze was on the bathtub, now.

“You don’t have to agree with it, even I don’t agree with it, but it had to be done if I wanted you all to myself.”

You knew that justified it all in Peter’s mind, and the part of your brain that was conditioned to normalize your new reality wanted to pull him closer, but the part that desperately missed your friends and family and old life only wanted to be sick.

When Peter rinsed you off and dried you, his fingers grazed your skin as he helped you get dressed. Soothing words left his lips that didn’t really mean much because how could he calm you against something that was unknown to him too? He didn’t even know what he was comforting you from. Once dressed, he stood before you, looking you over with his fingers grazing over yours.

When your eyes met his, his gaze softened, and you didn’t stop him when he leaned in to press his lips to the corner of your mouth. Like every touch and kiss of his, now, you didn’t really feel it, and when Peter pulled away, you felt that the numbness that consumed you reflected in your own gaze. He heaved a sigh, fingering the ring on your finger.

“I still love you,” he assured you, looking at you from beneath his lashes. “That’ll never change…and even… Even when I have to do whatever it is I have to do today, I’ll be doing it with love.”

Those words didn’t exactly comfort you, and your eyes briefly closed when he walked you out of the bathroom. The stairs were hard to take, courtesy of your lack of food and what little sleep you’d managed to get. You shook beside Peter, and you knew that it was from more than just not eating. In fact, you were sure you were going to throw up again.

The house was unusually quiet—as well as empty—and that did nothing to alleviate your uneasiness. Peter’s hold on your hand was gentle, and as much you loved to hate him in this moment, you appreciated that he walked outside with you instead of walking you outside like a prisoner. You were surprised by how early it was in the day, bringing your hand up to shield your eyes from the rising sun. Days in the darkness had them hurting from the harsh natural light.

Just as you got used to it, a familiar and intimidating voice spoke.

“Leave her right there.”

Only, it wasn’t the voice you were used to being on the receiving end of. Your eyes met familiar blue ones as Peter was forced to step away from you, Bucky’s gaze very much transparent as he looked at you. His anger and disgust were palpable, and you found that you couldn’t hold his gaze.

That was a mistake.

“You will look at me,” he sneered, hurrying over to you and harshly gripping your chin.

Behind him, you could see Peter take a step forward only to be stopped by Sam. Bucky’s fingers were painfully pressing into your skin, and as difficult as you found it, you held the brunette’s gaze. It was in that moment that you realized why the house had seemed so quiet on your way out. You noted that the only person missing was Jane, and you guessed with her pregnancy and a need for someone to watch Margaret and Sharon’s children, they decided to kill two birds with one stone.

They clearly didn’t want to stress her, and that only made you more fearful of what was in store for you.

“We’re not stupid, you know,” Bucky said to you, and you swallowed. “We expect the odd escape attempt here and there.”

You weren’t used to being on the receiving end of Bucky’s venomous gaze, blue eyes icy.

“We look forward to it even,” he confessed. “None of you will ever succeed, so it helps you realize that, and you get it out of your systems.”

You blinked back tears, and Bucky took note of them, lip curling over his teeth.

“In fact…we had been anticipating yours from the moment we let you out of that basement, but I guess you really were too docile to fight back properly,” he continued, voice growing bitter. “Too docile even to tell one of us when our wife was trying to escape.”

When you blinked again, a tear finally escaped, and you didn’t know if you were supposed to respond. Evidently you were.

“What?” Bucky wondered, roughly letting your chin go. “Nothing to say for yourself?”

Your chest heaved with a deep breath, and you started to glance around.

“No, don’t look at them. Look at me,” Bucky ordered. “After all, it was my wife who anything could’ve happened to.”

When your gaze met his again, more tears spilled over, and you sniffed.

“I’m sorry-.”

“We expect you to fight back…try and make a run for it… What we don’t expect is more loyalty to a traitorous wife than the men of the house,” he interrupted you, spitting the words out and making you flinch. “…because anything could come of that. You could kill one of us.”

“I… I’m sorry,” you said again, knowing it wouldn’t change anything but also knowing it was what he wanted to hear.

Bucky stared at you for a long time—too long—just looking down his nose at you as if he could barely stand to look at you. You were all too aware of the eyes on you, all too aware of the example being made out of you. You were in the dark about what was going to happen, now, and it made you want to be sick. However, of all the things you expected…

You didn’t expect Bucky to quickly grab your arm, twisting it—and you with his other arm—before violently shoving you to the ground. It happened so fast that when you finally cried out in pain, clutching your wrist, you were already looking up at him from the grass. He wasn’t looking at you though, hands behind his back as he stepped away from you.

“There are two outcomes for you today,” he started, making his way towards Peter who looked like he was moments away from committing murder—again. “Personally, I’m partial to either outcome…”

When you started to push yourself to your feet, the dark-haired man heard it, pausing to look at you with a wag of his finger.

“No, no. You don’t get up yet…”

Heart sinking, you sat back down, clutching your arm to you as you looked between him and Peter.

“The first,” he dragged out, resting a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “We finally get to see what Peter has in him…”

You froze, skin growing cold and heart dropping to your gut.

“…see if he has what it takes to make you…” Bucky turned his gaze to you, eyes glinting wickedly “…beg him to stop.”

You couldn’t stop more tears from spilling over, the realization of what this day could possibly bring crashing down on you like a wave. When you glanced over, your eyes met a familiar green pair, and Nat’s disgust and regret was plain as day on her face. She looked at you like she wanted to take your place in a heartbeat, but you both knew that wasn’t going to happen.

You couldn’t hold in your sob, pressing your hand to your mouth.

“You can’t cry, now,” Bucky’s voice reached you as he neared you. “We haven’t even started yet.”

He forced you to your feet, and his hands were the only thing keeping you from collapsing.

When you first got here, Peter promised that that would never be you. He told you that he would never, but considering the circumstances of your offense, that choice was no longer up to him. You couldn’t stop sobbing, choking noises climbing out of your throat as Bucky continued.

“The other option is two months in the basement.”

When your eyes met Bucky’s again, there was a gleam in his eye and a curve to his lips that told you it wouldn’t be so easy as choosing which you’d prefer. You didn’t even want to say that the choice would be easy if given one because while your worst fear was recreating what Margaret had to go through during your first days here…you also knew that two months down in that darkness would break you beyond belief.

Two months down there, and you were sure you wouldn’t even be yourself when you emerged.

“It all depends on who gets to you first,” Bucky softly said, making you frown at him.

When he stepped away, you swayed on your feet, but his hand met your arm again when he turned you towards the small pond, free arm gesturing towards the dense trees behind it.

“Those legs that are near and dear to Peter’s heart are going to take you as far as you can go…”

His whispered words made you frown.

“Now, don’t think that you’re getting away…” he looked at you and you slowly looked at him. “…because you’re not. Someone will catch you, it’s only a matter of who, and that determines if this pretty little dress is coming off or not.”

His reminder of one of the possibilities made you lightheaded, and you pressed your hand to your chest when he walked away.

“If Peter catches you, then Peter will do what he has been instructed to do…”

The man in question spoke up, quietly pleading with Bucky, but the older man ignored him.

“…and I was going to participate in this little game,” Bucky said, jaw ticking as he looked at you. “…but you deserve to be terrified after what you did.”

You pressed your lips together, blinking away tears as you wrapped your arms around yourself.

“So…” he backed up, a small smile on his pink lips. “If Steve catches you…”

You couldn’t stop your knees from buckling, world spinning as you caught yourself on your hands and knees. Your skin pricked, and you felt almost on the verge of a heart attack.

“He gets to put you in the basement…” a pause. “Again.”

The sounds of the world were going in and out, and once again, you felt like you were going to throw up. Both options were the last thing you ever wanted, and once you ran into those trees, you didn’t know what would relieve you less—the sight of Peter or the sight of Steve. It was sick, really, because obviously you would rather be caught by Peter, but not if it meant…that.

…and if Steve caught you, you just knew it wasn’t going to be that simple

“Whenever you’re ready.”

Bucky’s words were mocking, filled with a mixture of disdain and satisfaction, and as you looked up at him, you didn’t know who you hated more—him or Steve. The blond in question was someone you had avoided looking at since you stepped outside, bitter to see the sick satisfaction that no doubt covered his features at your humiliation.

Your comeuppance.

Pushing yourself to your feet was a struggle, and you didn’t look at Peter, too afraid to realize that he might be who you wanted to catch you, after all, even if it did mean public humiliation beyond comprehension. You felt beyond alone as you walked down the small decline, the dewy grass so nice against the soles of your feet despite the circumstances.

It was only when you got to the tree line, staring inside, did it hit you.

You were going to be hunted and chased down like some animal, and depending on who caught you first, that was what your punishment would be. Both options were enough to make your stomach flip, and for the life of you, you just couldn’t decide which was better. With a panicked sob, you forced your feet to move.

Every tree looked just like the other to you, and there was nothing in these woods to signal some kind of progress as you ran. It was crazy to think that there had once been days when you dreamed about being in these woods, closer to freedom and away from the craziness you’d been forced into. Now, however, you were in said trees and all you could think about was who would get to you first.

Bucky’s words echoed in your mind.

It wasn’t a matter of whether either of them would catch you. Both of you knew that you weren’t getting away from here, let alone from Peter or Steve in these woods. One of them was going to find you first, and even as you brushed past harmful branches and stumbling vines, you still didn’t know which choice presented to you was better. More than anything, you wanted it to be Peter to find you, but could you be okay with being raped for the whole household to see? This wasn’t like that day with Margaret…

Both Steve and Bucky wanted to make the biggest example out of you, and so the entire household would be there to witness your humiliation. However…it was one day. One hour even at the most of Peter doing what he normally did whenever you were alone…just in front of everyone else. If Steve caught you on the other hand…

Two months in the basement was a thought that actually made your knees shake, causing you to stumble against a tree. You knew—you knew—that you couldn’t handle that, and you knew that Peter knew it too. One option was just one bad day, that was all, but the other option would turn you into even more of a mess than you already were. You’d spent less than a week down there at the most, and both times were hell for you.

The second more so than the worst, and you didn’t want to unpack why that was.

When you heard a tree branch snap, you felt yourself freezing. The tree you were next to was larger, much larger than you, and you remained perfectly still as your hand rested against it. You had only stopped for a few moments, and the whole time you’d been lost in your thoughts, you hadn’t even heard any footsteps. In fact, something in you told you that you were supposed to hear the snap of that branch.

When you dared to peek around the trunk, all of your breath left you.

The sight of Steve’s blond hair and back was a stomach turning one, and just as quietly as you peeked around, you hid yourself behind the tree once more. With one movement, you could end this torture and not have to be fucked for the whole household to see, but no matter how much you didn’t want that…you couldn’t bring yourself to move.

…because you didn’t want the alternative either.

Steve terrified you beyond belief—something Bucky had acknowledged—and something in you just knew that he wasn’t going to find you and take you back to the house as easy as that. Outside of raping Margaret, you had never heard of Steve doling out any kind of physical abuse, but you had a sneaking suspicion that Steve would strike you square across the face if he could get away with it.

Peeking around the tree again, you watched him walk away, scanning the area before him for any sign of you. Your nails pressed into the trunk, and with a sinking heart, you both accepted and hoped that Peter would find you, making peace with what that meant for you. With Steve completely out of your sight, you didn’t know which way to go, and so you went forward, adjacent to the direction Steve went.

You felt like you were getting so turned around the further you walked, and you wondered what would happen if you just decided to go back to the house. You wondered how the punishment would be decided then—provided you actually made it back without being caught. The thought of being caught by Steve prevented you from remaining calm and thinking clearly.

Or maybe it was everything else that did that.

You could feel a familiar burn behind your eyes, and you struggled to swallow, throat feeling incredibly tight. You’d thought that you cried enough in the basement, but that kept proving to be untrue. A few tears skipped down your face before many more followed behind, and you took in a shaky breath.

How was it that you hated Peter so so much for what he did…while also wanting nothing more than to just return to your bedroom with him when this was over? You didn’t want to go back down there, alone and bathed in darkness. You wanted to sleep in your bed with Peter and you wanted him to hold you while you cried about the very thing he’d done that caused the tears.

You hated him, but you wanted to be near him.

You didn’t want to hate him from afar. You wanted to hate him while staring at his face every night and listening to the sound of his breathing and feeling his hands on your shoulder as he sat behind you in the bathtub. You hated Peter so much for what he did—and lying about it—but it just wasn’t the kind of hate where you couldn’t stand the sight of him, and you hated him all the more for that.

You were pulled from your thoughts by the sound of footsteps, and considering you’d gone in the opposite direction of Steve, you were prepared to meet your fate when your gaze would meet that of a familiar brown one. Only, the eyes that met yours weren’t brown…they were blue…and you felt your lips part.

You didn’t hesitate to run the other way, a scream climbing out of your throat when you were tackled to the ground. Steve’s hand was pressed to the back of your head as he slammed your face against the leaves and sticks, making you gasp, and when his arm snaked around your neck, a choked sound left you.

You weren’t surprised when he threw you to the dirt again.

“I knew…” he started, slowly following you as you attempted to crawl away. “From the moment Peter gave us that crock of shit about a gentler method, I fucking knew.”

You clawed at the dirt when Steve reached down to pull on one of your legs.

“I knew then that he was being too soft with you,” he spat, flipping you over. “I knew that it would come back to bite us.”

Steve squatted over you, one hand tightly curling around your throat, and you struggled to breathe as he slowly forced you to your feet. Your scraped at his hand, gaze tearful and pleading as Steve stared you down, nostrils flaring. His blond hair was a mess, an unusual sight for you, but those blue eyes were as cold as ever.

Steve really hated you.

“Bucky is better than me,” Steve hissed at you. “…because if Margaret had gotten as far as Nat did because of you, I wouldn’t make Peter stop until you were begging for him to put you out of your misery.”

You pushed at his hands, panicked, and he only shook you in response.

“You think he’s your best fucking friend,” Steve breathed through clenched teeth, sizing you up. “Instead of the man who owns you.”

When he threw you down, your head spun, and you struggled to right your vision. You pressed your hands to your temples as you cried, fighting the urge to curl in on yourself.

“That ends today…”

Steve’s words were spoken with finality, and you didn’t quite understand the meaning of them as you heard approaching footsteps. You heard Steve exhale, and when you dared to look up, your heart skipped a beat at the sight of Peter.

“Peter,” he acknowledged. “Love that timing of yours.”

Peter didn’t hesitate to hurry towards you, placing a hand on your head as you sobbed. As you’d suspected, you knew it wasn’t going to be that simple if Steve caught you instead, and you realized just how complicated it was going to be at the sound of his next words.

“We need to make sure nothing like this happens again, Peter,” Steve told him, and they shared a look, something unspoken between them that had Peter’s jaw clenching.

“So, is that why you forgot who she belongs to? Is that why you treated her like you used to treat Peggy on her really bad days? She’s already terrified of you. What more do you want?” he sneered at him, briefly looking at you and brushing his thumb over your cheek.

“I need her to be terrified of you,” Steve answered, hands on his hips. “I told you from the beginning that you were too soft with her. I told you what needed to be done for her to get it.”

“Yeah, Steve, alright, I get it-!”

“…but you don’t,” Steve yelled at Peter, staring at the younger man just like a brother would. “You don’t get it because if you did, this would’ve never happened.”

Steve gestured around, cutting you a scathing look that made you wither.

“She would’ve never felt more loyal to Nat than the men who run this household. She would’ve understood that she exists to serve you and the house as a whole by extension.”

You hated the way Peter’s hands slowed on your face, and when you looked at his own face, he looked to be deep in thought.

“Not just the wives and whatever they think is best, but what’s best for the family,” Steve paced. “You are going to make her understand that she’s not your friend and certainly not your fucking equal.”

You watched Peter defeatedly exhale, eyes falling closed.

“You are going to make her understand that, right now,” Steve snarled.

“Steve…”

Peter’s tone was pleading, and that was when you finally sat up, looking between them with a racing heart. You scooted back, but Peter’s hand on your arm prevented you from going far. When your gaze met his, his eyes had softened, something in them pleading with you.

“I will make you, Peter.”

Steve’s tone was scarily calm, and you glanced at him, lips shaking at the malice in his eyes.

“Do you understand me? I will not rest until I catch her slipping up again, and depending on my mood that day, I just might make you fuck her right there in the garden for all to see,” he quietly told him. “So, it’s either now or it’s later…but it is happening. You decide.”

In truth, you didn’t know why you were crying. You had already accepted that you’d rather get the bad thing over with than drag it out for two months. However, that was the thing, wasn’t it? Steve was going to make Peter do this and still turn around and throw you right down in that basement. Even though there was less humiliation involved, it still seemed unfair.

“Do this and…maybe I can convince Bucky to only leave her down there for a month,” Steve proposed, and by the tone of his voice, he knew that he’d won.

You barely had time send Steve a scathing look of your own before your back roughly met the ground.

Peter’s mannerisms were rough, and while you knew it was because Steve wanted them to be, it didn’t mean you had to like it. You didn’t think Peter had ever been rough with you, and you cried out at the harsh pull on your hair, his other hand painfully digging into your waist.

“See, you need to understand, sweetheart,” Steve’s voice reached your ears as he circled you. “That you belong to Peter. You exist as an extension of him, now. You exist to exalt him, and the only way that you will get it in your head that you’re his property…”

Peter had flipped you onto your stomach, now.

“Is if he treats you like it.”

You yelped when your chest was forced to the ground, Peter manhandling you in the way he knew Steve wanted.

“…and what better way to do that than to show you that he can and will take you wherever and whenever regardless of who is around to see it,” he slowly said, making sure he was heard loud and clear.

The humiliation of feeling Peter push his cock into you before Steve’s very eyes had you squeezing yours shut, a harsh sob escaping as Peter’s skin slapped against yours. His hand was on your throat, and you clawed at it, gasping when his teeth pressed into your shoulder.

“You don’t have autonomy over your body anymore. You don’t exist independently of Peter, and that extends to this family…”

Peter’s harsh thrusts made your toes curl, and what was once a rough entry had become much smoother. With no warning and feeling wholly unprepared for this turn of events, tears escaped your eyes, and your fingers dug into the grass and dirt. The feel of Peter’s cock pushing into your walls was a familiar one you’d grown to love, but the sound of Steve’s pacing steps and voice made you want to crawl in a hole.

You felt torn apart.

“Had you previously understood that, all of this could’ve been prevented.”

Steve sounded pleased with himself—and Peter—and the thought made you sick. When Peter pulled your head back, you winced, and you started to move away from him, wanting this earlier and regretting it now—especially since you were going back into the basement anyway.

When Peter’s lips grazed your ear, you shuddered.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to you, hand painfully pulling at your hair, making you cry out again.

You recalled Peter’s words from earlier, and you knew why this was happening. You understood the hierarchy in the household, understood that what Steve said went, and you knew without a shadow of a doubt that Steve would’ve absolutely made this happen for the whole house to say. You understood that this was the better alternative, but that understanding is what made you cry more.

This wasn’t something to be understood. The man thrusting into you had killed your friends and kidnapped you, and the man before you had helped. Peter wasn’t your husband or your lover but instead your captor and rapist. Nothing about any of this was right, and in this moment, you shouldn’t be rationalizing or understanding anything.

…but you did.

You understood why Peter grabbed you with no hesitation and proceeded to fuck you under Steve’s watchful eye. You understood why being raped for all to see had briefly been the better choice to you than being sent back into the basement. You understood why Peter was murmuring sweet nothings and apologies into your ear as he roughly held you down and plunged his cock into you.

You understood it all, and you hated it.

You didn’t want to simultaneously hold Peter closer and push him away as he roughly fucked you against the grass, face to face with you, now. You didn’t want him to obey when Steve told him to fuck you harder. You didn’t want to understand that Peter didn’t actually want this because if that were true he simply wouldn’t do it, right? You didn’t want to accept that this house didn’t follow the rules of the outside world and that so long as you were here—and you would be here forever—neither would you.

“Are you sorry, now?” Steve wondered, somehow able to hear his voice over the sound of your cries. “Hmm?”

You didn’t give him the satisfaction of an answer, but you knew you gave him that anyway the moment you started crying. When Peter’s eyes met yours, he shushed you, a poor attempt to make this better somehow, and his next words made you blink.

“Do you see how much worse I could be?” he whispered, too low for Steve to hear. “How much worse they want me to be?”

You stared at him, nails digging into the skin of his arm, and with another harsh sob, you nodded.

“Do you understand what I’ve been trying to protect you from?”

Again, you nodded.

Peter’s nose grazed your own.

“Do you get it now?” he sadly asked you.

When you nodded again, unable to find your voice between cries, Peter shushed you. His fingers pressed into your skin, and his hips painfully came down against yours. When his lips pressed against yours, they swallowed the noises that escaped your throat.

“I never wanted this for you.”

…and you knew Peter was telling the truth.

[bunni-v1]

Can I please request a reader that has been so traumatised by what’s happened in the Scarabia book that they actively avoid the entire dorm and have Ace and Deuce as their guard dogs (I love those two and I really love how you wrote them as the readers protective besties during the Malleus break up fic). Like how would Kalim, Jamil and Adeuce react to that?

I find it really cathartic when I read fics that have the characters feeling guilty after what they put the reader through whilst the reader is getting support from their friends.

(Something I’m really salty about in twst is how no one ever holds the overblots accountable for what they’ve done. I full on agreed with Ace when he told Riddle that crying wasn’t going to erase all that he did before the overblot and I literally fell in love with him when he punched Riddle after he insulted us/Yuu/the player. I understand that those boys are traumatised and are in desperate need of therapy and overblotting was the only way for their problems to be solved but the treatment they inflicted on Yuu/us was downright hellish. Azul made us homeless and tore us away from the only family/comfort we had in twst (the ghosts) and then sent the tweels to terrorise us in our attempts to reclaim said home and free our friends from servitude; Jamil kidnapped us, hypnotised us, locked us up in a room against our will, isolated us from Adeuce and took away any contact we had with them, forced us on long marches in the dessert and turned a blind eye to our clear suffering during that time; Vil acted like a literal demon to not only us (and then almost made my Deucey cry) but everyone else as well and that was before he decided to try to murder an innocent teenager. Like why does no one understand just how much this can damage an actual child who has no magic and has been stripped from their home and family?)

Reader Terrified of Scarabia After Jamil’s Overblot

TW: PTSD; Mental Breakdown; Disassociation; Mentions of Abuse; Kalim and Jamil are tragic

Info: Ace, Deuce x Reader (platonic or romantic); Kalim, Grim x Reader (platonic); Jamil and Reader (neutral)

🍓I love requests like this tbh. My own OC sorta has her own grapplings with this stuff that I like to touch upon, and I’m excited I get the chance to talk about it here :) THIS IS LONG AS HELL BTW(like this intro here lol). I had a lot of fun writing it :))) I added a cute, shorter little grim part, because our little guy deserves more lovin’ than he gets. I also decided to do a cute little (read: long) intro, and then head cannons since you didn’t specify for either. I hope you enjoy this style, and I’m sorry for the wait <3

You had been through… a lot in your time at Night Raven College. Being thrown into a completely different world would’ve been enough, but it seems that the great seven thought you needed some extra troubles. You weren’t sure how you could’ve encored their wrath, but you were, and you were chugging along despite it all.

First was the attack from the phantom in the mines — something that should’ve been foreshadowing for what was to come. You didn’t even do anything to be in this position. It was Ace Grim and Deuce, but you got dragged into it all because you were “Grim’s keeper.” You managed to befriend Ace and Deuce though, so it wasn’t so bad.

Second was Riddle with his unending temper and strict rules. Despite everything telling you to just stay out of it, your good-natured heart just couldn’t stop you from helping Ace and Deuce. Nearly dying in the process, you managed to help Riddle and made newfound friends in Heartslabyul. 

Third came Leona, the selfish, stuck-up, lazy no-good prince of the Savannah. You knew he was trouble from the start, and you wanted nothing to do with him or his little lackey Ruggie. Then he hurt Trey, and you couldn’t stand by while he reigned terror on the school. He was a favorable ally to gain in the end, so you could dismiss his actions so long as he kept in his lane.

Fourth was Azul, another student you figured would cause you trouble. With the extra scary Jade and Floyd always tailing him, and that too buttery sweet voice of his, you were determined to keep your distance. Again, however, your friends were in trouble and you couldn’t help but help them. Azul was a broken person, and you could sympathize with his struggles. He even gave you a job at the lounge to help with funding yourself, so he couldn’t be all that bad.

You’d come to dislike the other house wardens out of principle. A pattern had emerged among them, and you weren’t going to fall victim to another horrific overblot. You still had suction cup-shaped bruises on your arm from Azul’s breakdown. Leona had given you more than just a nasty burn from the scalding hot whirlwind of sand he conjured up. The scars Riddle left behind on your face and arms were healed, but they still ached when you touched them. All painful reminders that you could not truly trust anyone here, that anyone could lose control of themselves and hurt you. Yet…

When you met Jamil in the kitchen, he seemed so kind to both you and Grim. He seemed so genuine and honest. Maybe it was wishful thinking, or maybe it was you missing your friends, but you wanted to trust him despite your gut feeling to be distrustful. Could everyone here really be that bad? Certainly not. Ace Deuce and Jack went here as well… so surely… surely…

The alarm bells didn’t ring at all during the dinner, and Kalim — despite everything you’ve been through — seemed so nice, if not a little overbearing. You could see the tiredness on Jamil's face, and you had the kindness in your heart to express your sympathies. And oh, Jamil so humbly assured you that he was fine. Filling your head with little half-truths and ideas that Kalim had been overworking not only him but the other students. That he had been acting “off” as of late.

You saw Kalim’s sudden shifts in personality. How he would be so sweet, so kind and soft. How he made sure you were enjoying yourself, made sure you ate to your heart's content, made sure you were comfortable in your uniform and your sleeping quarters. Then he would be yelling at everyone, demanding unspeakable exercises and work.

If Ace were there with you, he would’ve called bullshit. Still, you trusted Jamil to start. You actually believed he was kind and had good intentions. You believed that Kalim was the real evil here.

Then he wouldn’t let you and Grim leave, and the students were suddenly so aggressive toward you. He took everything you had and stripped you of your dignity and pride until there was nothing left but fight.

Truly, you didn’t realize it was him that was the issue until he was over-blotting in front of your eyes. It wasn’t an unusual sight to you at that point, you’d defeated multiple overblots and befriended these people. You don’t know what it was. The way you’d trusted him. The fact that you felt truly alone without Ace and Deuce. This one broke you…

You just didn’t feel a damn thing after he was saved. You felt no pity, no joy, no relief. Absolutely nothing, an empty void in your chest. Even as everyone around you celebrated, there was nothing. You stood watching everyone parade around with glee blankly, unable to speak to anyone around you. Just listening to the voices that had begun to mesh together.

You didn’t show anything until Ace and Deuce showed up. Something about their faces, the way they were looking over you, the way they seemed so scared for your wellbeing… it made you cry. It made you cry and cry and cry until you couldn’t make any noise and then you cried some more. They had to drag you away from everyone because you just couldn’t quite stand upright when Deuce would try to get you to walk away with him…

The days after were blurry. You remained holed up in your dorm, unable to really move from your bed. Ace and Deuce stayed in their own separate room next to yours. You could hear them talking through the walls about how worried they were about you, how angry they were at Jamil, how angry they were at themselves for not getting there in time to help you. If you’d had the energy, you would’ve scolded them for being so hard on themselves, but you could hardly speak in the first place.

They cared for you as best as they could. Deuce attempted to cook the recipes Trey sent him over magicam, making sure you ate and stayed hydrated. Occasionally you’d hear Azul downstairs, and Deuce would give you something nice from the Monstrolounge — free of charge, he promised. You could tell that he wasn’t sleeping much in his worry over you. 

Grim remained at your side as loyal as a dog and boasting that he’d keep you safe, but you knew he was scared too. He proclaimed that he would keep you safe, but you could feel him trembling at every sudden noise. You had to comfort him from the horrific nightmares he was having. That was okay, though, he was family and you were his.

Ace was the only one who really kicked your ass into gear. He’d tug you out of bed and into the shower as people began to return from winter break. Made you go on walks around campus to show you that you were completely safe. Eventually, he’d been able to get you to visit Azul to thank him directly for his kindness. He wasn’t soft or gentle with you, that wasn’t in his character at all, but he made sure you felt safe enough to return to classes before they started.

They both worked hard to help you recover, but you were still so afraid…

Ace

-Ace isn’t exactly the most comforting person, and he never claimed to be. 

-He’s not good at reassuring people, but he’s good at being honest, and if he was being honest he knew that you were safe around him and Deuce.

-He walks you to and from classes, spends most of his nights in your dorm doing whatever the hell you’d like him to do without complaint, distracts you when you’re freaking out, and most importantly keeps that snake as far away from you as possible.

-If he was being honest with himself, which was his whole thing, he didn’t really get your reaction to everything. 

-You’ve all been through this before, it's textbook at this point. A guy does some shady shit, a guy gets caught doing said shady shit, a guy overblots, and you defeat a guy with the power of friendship. Boom. Done.

-He’d get it more if you were completely alone, but grim and the octanivelle freaks were there! Kalim too, and he’s always seemed pretty nice. Not the best company, sure, but still you had people helping you out.

-When he looks at your face and sees how tired you are, he forgets the logical stuff. All he can hear are those horrific sobs you let out when you saw him and how you nearly ripped his uniform in half with how tightly you were holding him and Deuce.

-If that was too much for him, he can’t imagine how badly it must’ve felt for you. How bad it must still feel.

-So screw what he thinks, he’s gotta make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

-He doesn’t ask you how you’re feeling, he knows it's not good. He focuses on keeping your mind off of everything that might trigger you.

-Reroutes your paths to classes to avoid Jamil and Kalim completely. Sure it’s longer and more annoying, but it's better than you going dead silent and shutting him and everyone else out again.

-He does everything in his power and you’re doing so well… and then the VDC happens. 

-You’re given the title of manager and you’re forced to be around these people who terrify you. 

-Vil won’t budge on anything and sevens Ace wishes Rook would let him try out a little target practice with the (illegal) bow and arrows he’s got in his room.

-He keeps himself between you and Jamil at all costs. He won’t let Jamil bother you at all, not that he was trying in the first place.

-The real issue is Kalim, which sounds crazy, but it’s true.

-Kalim is so… forceful. A pretty strong word, but honestly the only one Ace can think to use.

-He’s really nice, really sweet, seriously such a good guy… but you’re still unsettled by him.

-There are several times during practices that Ace has to yell at him to just leave you alone.

-Sure, it gets him a pretty big scolding from Vil, but he couldn’t care less honestly. He doesn’t wanna risk you having a panic attack because Vil doesn’t wanna be a responsible leader.

-You confide in Ace a lot. How you really want to move past all this, but Crowley won’t provide you with any form of therapy, and you’re just not ready to forgive Jamil or Kalim for what happened.

-He won’t tell you this, but hearing you talk like this breaks his heart.

-You’re normally so strong, so brave, so confident… and now you’re absolutely broken.

-He’s proud of you for putting on a brave face to placate Vil, but he’s angry you have to.

-Surprisingly, though, you do begin to warm up to Kalim. Just a little. 

-It's only when Ace, Deuce, or Grim is around, but it's a really big step forward in his eyes.

-You’re getting back to where you used to be little by little.

-He still won’t give you or Jamil the chance to reconcile, but you honestly couldn’t be more grateful for that.

Deuce

-Deuce is incredibly different from Ace in how he handles everything.

-He’s a delinquent, sure, but he’s a Mama’s boy at heart. Therefore, he’s much more equipped to help you emotionally through all this than Ace.

-Where Ace is the harsh pushing force to keep you going, Deuce is the calm where you can rest and cry your heart out for as long as you need.

-As I mentioned, he makes sure you’re eating and drinking and at least speaking to someone.

-He asks Trey for recipes without leading on to what’s going on and asks Cater for advice on helping someone feel safe after a traumatic experience.

-It’s not subtle, but it helps.

-He handles making all your meals, even though he isn’t the best cook, he absolutely puts all his heart and soul into everything he makes.

-A good portion of his days are dedicated to cooking for you, and he gets pretty damn good at it by the time classes start up again!

-With Sam’s shop closed, he has to go into town to get the ingredients he needs, and then he has to spend hours preparing and serving the food.

-He watches you eat, encouraging you that everything is safe and that he made it all by himself by hand. 

-He doesn’t question why things ended up this way for you, he wonders how can I help?

-And he does help, a lot, more than just with food.

-Sometimes, late at night, he hears you crying alone in your room. He gets up from his own bed, quietly enters your room, and holds you and grim while you both tremble in fear.

-It makes him so mad. Mad that this happened to you. Mad that Jamil did this in the first place. Mad that he couldn’t help more than he already is. 

-Like Ace, he accompanies you to all your classes and makes sure to stay close to your side if any Scarabia students are around.

-He’ll go anywhere you need him to, and if you’re not comfortable being alone and he’s got plans, you’re invited to join him. No matter what anyone else thinks.

-Things get better little by little. You make strides in your ability to be independent again and you’re smiling and joking around like you used to. You even agreed to try out for the VDC with him and Ace… a big mistake.

-He didn’t expect to actually get in, let alone get in with Jamil and Kalim. If it were just that he could’ve been civil, but no, you had to be dragged in too… because that’s always how it works out.

-He has to hold himself from getting in Jamil’s face more than once because just him looking at you is enough to send you into a clear panic attack.

-Deuce does his best to comfort you between all of this, though. Being your shoulder to cry on and trying his best to be your protector… it's just hard. Hard to see you like that, and hard to keep his cool for your sake.

-It's worse with Kalim because both you and Deuce know he means well. You both know he wants to reconcile, but you’re not quite ready.

-Deuce helps the confrontation with the two feel a bit easier though. He acts as a mediator between you and Kalim, and eventually, he’s proud to say he helped you trust Kalim just a little bit.

-Jamil… both of you could use some work, but Deuce is more willing to hear you out on him than Ace is.

Grim

-Grim was there with you the whole time. He understands the fear you’re feeling deeper than anyone else.

-He could just tell something was wrong the second he saw your face. Despite all the celebrations, he was focused on making sure you were at least a little okay.

-He tried to talk to you, tried to make you feel okay, but the only comfort he could offer you was letting you hold him while you cried.

-He could still hear your cries, and they made him want to cry too. He almost did, but he was your guard cat — he had to be strong for you.

-Unlike Ace and Deuce, he never left your side. Not a second. He was there with you from the moment you were unwittingly kidnapped to the sleepless nights in your dorm to the horror of finding out you’d have to work closely with Jamil for the VDC.

-He made his distaste for him very known, sure to make a snarky comment at least once every time he saw him. 

-It was so bad, at one point, that Vil had to give him a stern talking to. He didn’t stop regardless.

-You are Grim’s best friend, the only family he has, and Jamil hurt you in unspeakable ways. He couldn’t just sit back and be okay with that.

-He’s really such a good guy.

Kalim

-Kalim means well. With his whole heart, he has the best intentions… just not the best execution.

-See, he didn’t notice initially that anything was really wrong the whole time.

-He didn’t suspect Jamil at all. In fact, he thought that you were really enjoying your stay in Scarabia, you seemed so happy and chatty up until Jamil flipped things on their head.

-Call him air-headed, but he was caught up in his own whirlwind of emotions at the time. You know, the whole betrayal of his supposed best friend took a toll on him too.

-It wasn’t until you were sobbing your throat raw that he realized something was really wrong.

-The look of sheer terror on your face when you made eye contact with him sent shivers up his spine.

-He knew that look. He’d worn that look on his own face too many times as a young child.

-Believe it or not, without Jamil’s intervention, he knew to keep his distance. He knew he had to give you time to adjust.

-Then a few days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a little over a month, and he had hardly seen you around campus.

-You are avoiding your normal route to class, and when he did see you he was also greeted by the harsh glares of your good friends.

-He understood if you’d never want to talk to him ever again, honestly. He couldn’t blame you. You were more headstrong than him, after all.

-Still, when the VDC came around… he was hopeful. Truly he was hoping that something would give.

-He would talk to you in hopes of showing you that he meant no harm, but Ace or Deuce or even Grim would shove their way between the two of you.

-Several times Jamil had to tell him to knock it off because “It’s not worth forcing.”

-Still, he wanted you to know he felt bad. He felt horrible.

-In a very un-Kalim-like move, he quietly asks you if you can speak with him. Alone. But in a crowded enough area that you wouldn’t feel threatened.

-He didn’t expect you to accept it, he wouldn’t have blamed you at all. But you said yes. 

-You showed up, with Grim by your side, which was fine. He earned some apologies too.

-He poured his heart out to you, apologizing for things that he couldn’t even control. In turn, he listened to you rant about how scared you were, how angry you were, how you wished you were any of these things.

-And after that, things improved. Slowly, but surely. You became more comfortable around him, and you spoke to him again.

-Sure, you wouldn’t be caught dead at one of Scarabia’s parties, but you considered him a friend. 

-That’s all he could ask for.

Jamil

-Jamil is the monster in your story. 

-He’s the evil guy who kidnapped, manipulated and lied to you.

-He’s the one who used his misplaced anger as an excuse to hurt others.

-He’s the boogyman who made you endure days of long and hard training, just because he could.

-Of course, he felt bad. What he did was unspeakable, but he was more concerned with how his reputation would last after the overblot.

-More concerned with it not getting out for the safety of his family.

-Even with you sobbing, he just thought you were being dramatic in all honesty. You have a reputation already, he knew you’d been through this whole thing before.

-It didn’t really strike him how badly it affected you.

-He didn’t notice how you switched paths, how you were never in the same area as him for long, and the glares of your friends never once phased him.

-Even Ace’s snarky comments during basketball didn’t bother him for a second.

It wasn’t until he accidentally bumped into you in the hallway, and he saw the look on your face that he realized.

-The terror in your eyes, the way you shrunk back as if he would strike you. It was the same way his parents acted around the Asim’s.

-If he were a more insane man, he might’ve found it liberating, but it wasn’t.

-He had become what he hated to you, he had done what he hated to you. 

-Jamil was not only your monster, but he was his own.

-He steers clear of you and keeps as much distance as possible for both your sakes.

-He couldn’t handle someone looking at him like that, and he was sure you couldn’t handle the sight of him after what he did.

-Still, this is NRC, and luck is never on anyone's side here.

-Both of you are forced into a position where you cannot escape the other, you have to learn to live with the awful pits in your stomachs.

-He keeps Kalim away until you both are on good terms, then he simply watches quietly.

-He won’t apologize, he won’t antagonize, he won’t speak unless spoken to.

-You two never truly recover your small lasting friendship, but you do make amends with each other.

-During the trip to the scalding sands, you get to meet Najma, whom he’s confided in about ‘accidentally upsetting a classmate’.

-You get to have a good talk with her, and it makes you really realize some things about Jamil.

-You realize he’s just as broken as you, just as tired as you, and that he feels the most immense amount of guilt for hurting you.

-You, being you, find it in your soul to forgive him.

-Nothing really changes between you. The guilt is still there, and the fear still shakes you to your core, but you both have closure.

-In a situation like this, closure is the best grace a person can ever have.

[gojo-chan]

Fluff Alphabet with Wanderer

The title is pretty self explanatory, just a floofy sfw Alphabet for hat guy

Warnings: no nsfw, spoilers for Wanderer’s backstory and the Inazuma/Sumeru story quest, a little bit of angst but nothing too tragic, and Wanderer himself should be a warning (I didn’t sugarcoat his personality) so yeah that’s it

A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)

He loves how understanding you are towards him. Even if he did some wrong things, you still accepted him and loved him. It took a long time for him to open up, but he never regretted doing so

B = Bonding (what's your favorite mutual bonding activity?)

Just spending time with you. He doesn’t care how, you decide if you want to, but just being by your side, reminding him that he is loved by someone makes him happy (not like he’d ever voice this out loud)

C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)

At the beginning of the relationship he’ll want to hold you, always being the big spoon. But as the time goes on, he’ll allow himself to be more vulnerable and let himself be held and cradled. He is very embarrassed about it, so it takes time for him to be this… exposed

D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)

He enjoys peaceful dates wheter if it’s in the peace of your home or alone in a discrete area outside with a pretty scenery. Also don’t overdo it, it makes him feel uneasy, he prefers when they just happen, like an unintended moment of you loving each other

E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)

Even as time passes, he keeps his snarky attitude but you’ll be able to see more and more of his true self. His moments of vulnerability can be random, like him holding you from behind, resting his forehead against your back. He’ll very rarely speak about his feelings but sometimes he can feel comfortable showing them to you.

F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)

Absolutely not. He can’t see himself as a father, he doesn’t think of himself as a good person and he certainly doesn’t feel fit to raise a pure and innocent being such as a child.

G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)

Pretends it wasn’t on purpose. He’ll just give you something and just be like “I don’t want it, here”. If you question him about it, he’ll turn his face the other way and just huff “If you don’t want it I can take it back”.

H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)

He likes feeling the warmth of your hands against his cold ones, it makes him feel some kind of way he can’t really describe. He doesn’t really enjoy hand holding in public but in intimate moments he really appreciates it. It’s probably the kind of physical affection he finds the easiest to initiate

I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)

He would be absolutely enraged if you were to get hurt. Who let this happen?! He will say harsh things to you, but don’t misinterpret them, he’s just worried.

J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)

He isn’t that much of a jokester but he really likes teasing you, especially if you get flustered easily. Though if you retort a smart answer, you’ll see him getting all annoyed and rolling his eyes he’s so flustered and bashful, how dare you turn his words against him like that

K = Kisses (how do they like to kiss you?)

Wanderer likes to catch you off guard with his kisses; you’re just enjoying the scenery? He’ll place a little peck on your lips, laughing at your surprised face. What he doesn’t admit, is that his favourite kisses are those you initiate, that are so soft and intimate, where he can just melt into your embrace.

L = Love Confession (how'd they confess to you? how'd you get together?)

It would take a while for you two to come together, he would be too cocky to admit having feelings for anyone. Especially since Wanderer is obviously above love right? Right?? You’ll notice it because he strangely would care about you.

M = Memory (favorite memory together?)

His favourite memory isn’t something most people would consider special like a first kiss or something like that. It’s just the memory of you letting him rest against your chest for the first time. How he felt safe and secure, and so so loved. How you didn’t judge him for being vulnerable around you

N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)

He is afraid that you’ll realize how much of a bad person he is and hate him, judge him for it. He dreads the moment where you’re gonna understand how horrible he is and leave him

O = Obvious (how obvious do they make it that they like you?)

He thinks that he is discrete but anyone somewhat observant would notice how he cares about you, how he conceals his concerns about you in harsh words or how he looks at you a little longer than he should

P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)

He usually just calls you by your name, I can’t imagine him calling you anything sweet, especially in front of others. Maybe some mean-ish nickname insults when he feels like it

Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)

Quiet moments with you, silent, unspoken love is what he finds the best. He finds it difficult to show honest, pure, love so if he can just hold your hand while gazing at the stars to express it, he’ll be very grateful

R = Romance (how romantic are they?)

Wanderer likes to believe that he is above all that, or rather, it makes him feel awkward, so he doesn’t show much romantic emotions. When he does tho, it’s kind of funny because he’d feel embarrassed about himself, hiding his blushing face from you and grumbling what he wants to say

S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)

He hates mentioning his past, so while you’re aware of it, it’s something he doesn’t mention or go into the details of. And if it does happen it’ll be somewhat random, like a quiet intimate moment where he’ll tell you something about his previous life experiences

T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)

You had to be patient, because Wanderer wasn’t the type of guy to get into a relationship easily. The process was slow, you had to worm your way into his heart, taking every step cautiously, waiting for him to open up

U = Unique (what makes them unique?)

As a person, Wanderer is very much unique as is, and the same could pretty much be said for relationships too. He’ll probably act disgruntled at every opportunity, but don’t worry, he’s secretly enjoying it

V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? do they like to show you off?)

Wanderer is the type to get a little possessive if someone isn’t looking at you right. He’d just pull you against him and give the other person a cold stare, waiting until they back off

W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? would they fight for you, beside you, etc)

If you aren’t strong, he’ll hate seeing you fight. Being as blunt as he is, he’ll tell you right away that you’re too weak and to retreat, letting him fight. However, if you are strong enough to keep up with him, he’ll gladly let you battle by his side

Masterlist

Also feel free to make any requests, even for characters I wouldn’t typically write for (though if I’m not feeling like doing a request I wont force myself) and reposts are appreciated!

[zomboivex]

Small morning ramble about Rui.

These are all basically opinions so feel free to disagree but tbh I don’t really wanna hear it

This dude is never breaking his curse.

Nothing in the game hints to that even being an option for him. He, himself, doesn’t really talk about breaking his curse. He seems to have accepted that this will always be his life (and if my thoughts are correct, boy will it be a long life).

The reason Rui is such a fascinating character to me is because he’s coping with the fact that he will always be this way. He’s always going to have this curse and he’s trying to accept and live with that.

In the recent chapter where we actually see his curse go into effect - his reaction isn’t like Lyca’s (who was devastated at the seemingly betrayal of acceptance) but he was very much defeated and numb. He’s seen this reaction before. He’s been treated as a monster before. He wasn’t shocked by the reaction he got for draining a life. He was numb to it. He stood there, seemingly unable to let go as he was called a monster.

But see what I love about Rui is that

He has so carefully crafted himself to be reliable to others. Listening? No problem, he’ll let you talk about all your problems and don’t worry for one second about any of his (serious) issues. Of course, he’ll complain about his captain or Moby. But- that’s normal stuff to complain about. He tries soooo hard to make himself seem like a normal guy by flirting, joking, complaining about normal things. Then he listens to others, will do endless tasks (like gardening, cleaning up the house, running a bar, trying to run a bed and breakfast type situation, taking care of the duties Ed doesn’t or straight up refuses to do), and generally he keeps his own emotions locked deep down.

Hell his fucking stigma is a benefit to others! Even if ‘temporary’. He can still take away your pain and exhaustion??? That’s- pretty fucking helpful. And it sums him up so well as a character.

He does everything for the comfort of others. Even if temporary. Because he knows anything he does will immediately be disregarded the moment someone sees his curse in action.

Despite this, Rui pretends to always be cheerful and positive. Even if deep down he’s hurting so bad. And there’s nothing anyone can really do about it. He wears the mask of someone who’s cheerful and reliable and steady. Because what else is he supposed to do in his situation?

God I seriously love him so much as a character. I’d write a more cohesive thing for him but I want a few more Rui crumbs before I fully commit to writing a character study on this tragic fuck.

Tbh I wish I still had access to my old tumblr but I forgot the email and password I used to set it up lol so I can’t pull my character study of Narancia from over there onto here but shhhh

Anyways!!!

I struggle with writing Rui as intimate with others not on account of his curse (because there are no-touch ways around that and I wish more people would focus on that aspect ahem me- I’m more people ) but because this guy would never allow himself the chance to be intimate with others on account for what he is. It’s not from fear of touching them (though that poses a problem for fucking sure) but because he doesn’t feel he deserves this.

Okay I’m gonna stop rambling because I have so much to say but also I’m feeling very unwell today LMFAO

[cybunii]

LAST CHRISTMAS !!

a/n: this was sitting in my brain and I dont know if i like it but HERE ANYWAYS its also so short SRRY-

pairing: Leon kennedy x Gn!reader

cw: just sad reader ?? with angst

-

It had been a year since you last saw Leon. 

A tragic ending when he decided that he didn’t want to spend Christmas with you, but instead wanted to chase after Ada.

You spent months picking out the perfect present for him, carefully listening to everything he said to ensure you picked the best possible present.

He always whined about not liking Christmas, that he hated decorations, parties, and overall just everything about it. 

(He changed his mind after he saw how happy it made you)

You had your own traditions, baking special desserts, adding your family’s topper for your tree, and decorating the inside and outside of your house. 

It may have been small things, but it was nice to do regardless. 

You wanted Christmas to be special for Leon.

It didn’t matter this year though.

He didn’t even have the decency to explain why he left, just a stupid excuse about another important mission. 

He slipped up and mentioned her, saying they had the location and were close to catching her. 

That’s all it took for him to immediately leave, rushing out the door and not looking back, not even uttering a pathetic goodbye. 

You didn’t cry for him to come back, no loud tantrum about him leaving, nothing. 

You figured this would happen. 

He was antsy recently, couldn’t sit down properly without bouncing his knee up and down, not able to look you in the eye. 

Classic Leon behavior. 

You rolled your eyes at that, you hadn’t even given him a second thought and here he was popping back up in your brain again.

It was the anniversary of him leaving.

-

Christmas Eve. 

-

You had the bright idea to go out today, go to the mall and get yourself a gift, walk around town for a little bit, and just try to enjoy this time of year on your own. 

It was annoying seeing those couples together. 

Holding onto each other and laughing, playing in the snow with their kids, watching the same lights as you. 

You couldn’t blame them for being happy. It wasn’t exactly your fault that you were slightly bitter. 

Well, maybe it was. 

But your bitterness was internal, hurting no one but yourself.

You audibly sigh at that. 

“..when did Christmas get so boring…” you thought to yourself, turning the corner and bumping into someone who felt like they were in quite a hurry. 

“Watch it-“ 

You say, having to look up at the stranger that almost knocked you over. 

“Oh, sorry!” They say, giving you a nervous look. 

“I didn’t mean to bump into you, are you alright?” 

You pause for a moment, you didn’t know if it was your brain just linking things together or you were secretly hoping it would happen? 

But a small part of you hoped that stranger would be Leon. 

You say you’re alright and keep on your way, nodding to the person before stepping out of their way. 

You didn’t miss him.

Not one bit.

But you missed the memories you had together. 

You wonder if he feels the same way, walking around whatever place he’s in, thinking of you?

Not being able to celebrate Christmas without you.

You find some comfort in those thoughts, only temporarily. 

-

You could do things without him, always have. It wasn’t any different with him being gone, you still live your life like normal. 

You did stay in the same place, opening the door to your two bedroom apartment.

One is your bedroom, the other now a storage place.

You decorated it like normal, your tree in the corner with all your favorite ornaments and lights, a stocking hung above the fireplace, a mistletoe hanging on the doorway to your kitchen. 

You weren’t gonna let sadness win this Christmas.

 

Not this time.

You prayed he wouldn’t come back, because you knew you would let him back in. 

Those sad puppy dog eyes he does, begging to come back. 

You hated that you couldn’t tell him no.

Maybe wouldn’t fits better.

You could say no.

But you wouldn’t.

You’d invite him in with open arms, completely ignoring everything he did to you last year.

Who’s Ada? He’s in my house now! :)

But that didn’t happen.

You stare at the Christmas tree for maybe hours, burning those beautiful bright lights into your eyes. 

Nothing in your brain but thoughts.

You blink, finally coming to your senses.

Your eyes drift to the bottom of the tree, a perfectly wrapped present. 

The gift tag reading Leon.

You could never bring yourself to throw it away.

You just placed it in the spare room, cleaning it off before placing it back under the tree.

It was almost sad to see.

-

But you didn’t care.

-

Merry Christmas, Leon.

.

..

…

I miss you.

-

word count: 0.8k

[onyx-is-a-loser]

!! SPOILERS !! Arcane: Season 2, Episode 7 (LONG A- BRAINDUMP)

Found this in my drafts and it’s kinda too funny not to post (sorry if it makes no sense, I was very emotional)

LITERALLY the most emotionally violent thing I’ve ever experienced and I NEED to talk about it:

OKAY so like, Ekko wakes up in this dream world where everything is perfect and I’m like "aww cute, it’s like a Hallmark movie," and then 2 SECONDS later “WAIT NO, THIS ISN’T REAL, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME” because the moment he gets comfortable, the show’s like, “LOL nope, here’s reality, have fun with the trauma, buddy.”

THE CONTRAST. THE JUxtaposition of dream vs. nightmare?? I can’t breathe.

I’m screaming because Ekko’s dream world is all golden light and perfect and everyone is alive, and I’m sitting here like “YES, PLEASE LET HIM LIVE IN THIS ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE HIS FAMILY DOESN’T DIE” and then reality is sharp and cold and cracked and I’m CAN YOU PLEASE NOT JUST SHOVE THIS MUCH PAIN INTO MY FACE???

The clock motif is an entire thesis on grief and time, why is this show so goddamn smart?? Ekko’s dream world is a pristine clock, but the real world is “lol no time doesn’t work that way, here’s a broken, rusted piece of trash” and I’m sitting here like, YES, tell me more about how time is a construct and I’m crying because none of us can go back and fix things. THANKS, ARCANE, FOR THE PAIN.

ALSO

Powder in the dream world?? She’s soft and innocent and I “holy SHIT this is the Powder we could have had, this is what she could have been if everything wasn’t so messed up,” and then I blink and she’s Jinx again, chaotic, explosive, neon nightmare fuel, and I’m just lying on the floor like "why do I do this to myself." I LOVE HER DONT GET ME WRONG BUT I ALSO WANT HER TO BE HAPPY

And don’t even get me started on Ekko and Powder dancing like it’s some kind of tragic, beautifully animated nightmare. I’m crying, I’m sobbing, I’m screaming, because this is the kind of thing that could have been real if the fate of their world didn’t DESTROY THEM. Who hurt you, Ekko? WHO HURT YOU BOTH??

The soundtrack in this episode is too much for me to handle. It starts off all soft and whimsical like “oh, this is nice, everything’s fine, I’m fine,” and then—BOOM—reality hits and I’m curled in a ball crying because it feels like every note is punching me in the gut. (This will definitely be a separate post)

There’s just so much GRIEF in this episode. Like, Ekko doesn’t want to leave the dream world because it’s everything he ever wanted, and honestly, I GET IT. Who wouldn’t want to live in a universe where your worst trauma never happens?? But then he HAS to leave because it’s not real, and reality is just there, waiting to crush you like a hextech bomb.

And I swear to god, the entire episode is a metaphor for “it’s not your fault, but it still hurts, and you can’t change the past, and that’s the worst part.” So yeah, I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how to recover from this emotional rollercoaster that is literally breaking my brain.

Arcane is a work of art, but it’s also a weapon of mass destruction. And I am DONE.

[hannamoon143]

Street by Street- Laufey

Hwang Hyunjin with Street by Street from Laufey for the fall series

Genre: Angst, somewhat hurt/comfort?

Warnings: crying, nothing rlly

Wordcount: 1k

Fall series masterlist

a/n: this song requested by my pookie @skyberrybahng. Here we go with hyunnn, lemme know how yall like it, i dunno exactly how i went with this one. but yesss, have a cozy fall! <33

not proofread

„I’m taking back my city, taking back my life.“

Yes that’s what you’d do now.

After your and hyunjin’s breakup you avoided him in the best ways possible. If you had to go grocery shopping you’d drive to the other end of the town, and for work you only took your car. And besides that, you didn’t go out at all. Since hyunjin was only living two streets from you the possibility to meet him was just too big.

 It wasn’t that you two broke up in such a awful state that it was super traumatic. But that was the thing that made it so horrible for you. You saw it coming weeks before, everything slowly breaking. When he’d call you clingy and annoying for the smallest things, when he’d not make any time for you anymore, or snap at you also if you didn’t do anything wrong. Until it just reached the point where your relationship seemed to be nothing more than a burden to the both of you. So at the end it was mostly just agreeing to being not a couple anymore. He wasn’t able to deal with his life, so he let it out on you, and you were hurting because of the way your relationship was going.  You knew it could have ended way worse, and other people would be relieved that the break up was without much anger and fighting at the end. But as i said, that was exactly what hurt the most for you. Months of hurt and misunderstandings, that maybe could have been fixed with a long, calm talk, but instead just led to a numb break up.

You knew you couldn’t keep living like this. Doing everything to avoid hyunjin, totally minimizing your social life. And for some reason you woke up today, and wanted to change this lifestyle. After all you couldn’t be a social wreck just because of a man, that wasn’t even a part of your life anymore. So you picked out your clothes, and then headed out for work. It wasn’t far away from your apartment but it was the first time you were walking since the breakup.

The streets were holding painful memories. The little cafe you worked in when hyunjin and you first met, the bookshop where you had your first book date with him when it started to rain all of a sudden. You remembered every little detail. His cute dumpling laugther making the rainy day brighter, the books he was reading to you, and how he slowly brushed his fingers through your hair, your head on his lap, when you were telling him some of your favorite quotes. But that was at the start. Way before everything started to crumble.

You pierced your gaze away from the window of the bookshop, slowly going your way again. Everything in this little town was reminding you of him in some sort of way. The park you used to have picnics together. The convience store you always went to with him. The cinema where you started crying because of a sad movie, and how he then just scooped you into his arms and comforted you as if something tragical happened. But that was probably what you needed. You had to remind yourself first that all this was in the past, to let go. You wouldn’t regret any of these times with him. But you wouldn’t regret the break up either. You always knew that he’d move on before you’d do. He was just like this, and you would be lying if you’d say you didn’t stalk him a bit after it ended. He seemed happy. Often he’d be in instagram stories of his friends, on parties or random hangouts. It always stung in your heart. But you saw clearer now. He moved on, and you would do this now too. This town wasn’t just his. And you would make him know now.

Later that day, felix, one of hyunjin’s close friends texted you something about how he saw him making out with another girl at a party and he felt the need to tell you or something. For a second you thought about just blocking him, but felix was always a nice guy, always being kind to you. So you just thanked him and said bye.

 And if you were being honest? You could almost thank hyunjin for that, because that was what you needed to finally move on. You’d been sitting at home all day, except when you were at work, since the break up, pushing the knife only deeper by yourself, in never ending self pity the last months. But now, this last little push from him, was all it took. You ripped the knife out, and now, you would heal. That was the promise you gave yourself.

 And later when hyunjin would pass by you on the streeet with the girl on his arm, you’d just greet him with a bittersweet hello, and walk by. How you would probably do it with every other person on the street. You saw exactly that he had a guilty look on his face, and that the girl was a bit hesitant, but you just walked by. One month ago you would have gone home and broke down, but now it couldn’t hurt you anymore. You were claiming back this city. And oh, not just this city. Also your life, that hyunjin seemed to take with him when you two fell apart. But you were taking it back, brick by brick, no matter what it costs.

And one day, he would be the one that would walk by you, with no one by his side, And he’d see a confident, happy woman, that didn’t even seemed to notice him. And the grieve and pain that you now left behind you, would slowly catch up to him.He knew it was mostly his own fault it was like this now. But still, he wished he could cry in your arms, like he used to when he was frustrated. That you’d just come over and hold him until the storm in his mind and his heart would be calmer. But instead he’d go home, and sit in his apartment, that was suddenly way too silent and empty if you’d ask him.

taglist: @onementally-unstabel-kid @lina-linny @0omillo0 @darqlys

[generallycharmingcriminalminds]

Angel In The Snow

Summary: Modern AU where Nicky died, and months later, on Christmas Eve Agatha and Rio see each other at Nicky's grave.

Warnings: Hurt/slight comfort, referenced child's death, like one curse word, exes who still love each other.

Word Count: 1,319 words

Christmas Eve morning, what had once been one of Agatha’s favorite days, now spent standing in front of the cemetery, in the snow, trying to get the nerve to enter. Eight months, and it still ripped her heart out just thinking of the funeral. The one she loved the most standing beside her silently as they watched the coffin lower into the ground, the rest of her heart inside. Agatha tightened her grip on the bouquet of purple azaleas in her hand as she forced her feet forward, making her way towards the grave she came to see. A shuddering breath escaped her as she crouched in front of a headstone, reaching a gloved hand out to brush the snow away, revealing the name. Nicholas Harkness-Vidal. Nicky, her pride and joy, her little boy, forever six years old.

The illness had come quick, there still wasn’t a name for it, or treatments, so Agatha had been forced to watch her little boy deteriorate by the day, his own body betraying him. She never understood exactly what the geneticist had told her and Rio…Rio, the woman Agatha loved, still loves, even after their divorce. Neither woman ever reached acceptance in their stages of grief, both staying in anger, at the situation, and at Rio. It had been something to do with Rio’s egg that caused Nicky’s illness, at least that was how the doctor’s had explained it to Rio and Agatha in the hallway of Boston Children’s Hospital.

Agatha and Rio divorced not even two months after the funeral, unable to look at each other without screaming, if Rio was even home. Being a badass FBI agent meant she was rarely home even when Nicky was alive and well. But once he got sick, and eventually passed she claimed it was just too hard, leading to one of the worst fights they ever had in their almost ten year long marriage, the fight that led to their divorce.

“Being here is hard for you? Seriously, Rio? You were never here!” Agatha had screamed at her wife.

“I tried, I am trying. But at least you got to be here for him, make sure he knew he was never alone. You got to help him with his homework after school, drive him to sports, be here for dinner, his bedtime routine. You knew his favorite food, favorite color, stuffed animal, everything, unlike me. You got to be his mother, in every way that counts. Thanks to my job, and the crazy schedule I work, the most maternal thing I did for him was use my egg for his conception, and that’s what killed him,” Rio had replied softly, tears in her eyes, no fight left in her anymore as she avoided Agatha’s furious, hate filled expression.

“I wish we had never used your egg! We should have used mine, it would’ve saved us money, and probably wouldn’t have killed him! I want a divorce, Rio, you look too much like him, and I hate you for it.”

“Aggie…” Rio started, but a cold look from Agatha shut her up.

“It should’ve been you, not him.” With that Agatha had turned on her heel, storming out of the room.

Agatha shook her head, as if that would make the memory of her cruel words go away. She didn’t really hate Rio for her resemblance to Nicky, or blame her for Nicky’s death. But Nicky had Rio’s dimples, and her smile, and her unnatural ways of sitting in chairs that simultaneously drove Agatha insane and made her smile. It had all been too much seeing the woman she loved, and also seeing her little boy in Rio. So once the divorce had been finalized Agatha packed up her life, sold the house, and moved from Salem Massachusetts to Westview New Jersey, a small town where no one knew her as Agatha Harkness, the stay at home mother who tragically lost her only child. Instead they knew her as one of the best cops in the whole department.

She’d even made friends in Westview, Jennifer Kale, a cosmetic company founder. Lilia Calderu, a fortune teller who Agatha knew was just scamming people, but somehow it was legal. And Alice Wu-Gulliver, a fellow cop whose mother had once been a well-known rockstar, apparently. But Agatha wasn’t sitting in front of her son’s headstone on Christmas Eve to think about them.

Agatha carefully set the bouquet of azaleas on the ground in front of Nicky’s headstone, a shaky breath leaving her as she wiped her eyes, realizing she had started crying. “Hi, baby, mami and I both miss you, with all of our hearts. I’m sorry you had to hear us fight so much when you got sick, and I’m sure you saw it get worse, because there is not a doubt in my mind you’re keeping an eye on both of us, just like Santa if you think about it. I wish it had been me instead of you…parents aren’t meant to bury their children.” Agatha heard the snow crunching under someone’s relatively quiet steps, but she didn’t turn, assuming the person would just pass by, they didn’t.

“You and I both know he’d hate hearing you talk like that, Agatha. You’re right, parents aren’t meant to bury their children, but six year olds aren’t meant to bury their parents either,” a voice behind her said quietly, and it just made the tears slip down Agatha’s cheeks more. She didn’t turn her head as Rio crouched next to her, placing a bouquet of green azaleas, her gloved hand finding Agatha’s without thinking. “I saw you sold the house,” she said, attempting to make small talk, some sort of connection.

“Yeah, I couldn’t stay there, every time I turned a corner I expected him to come running up to me, wanting cuddles. The ghosts of the happy family the three of us once were was too much to overcome…”

“Just like our divorce.” There was no anger, or resentment, just sadness and understanding in Rio’s tone. “You know, Salem hasn’t had a white Christmas since the year Nicky was born,” Rio noted, looking up, some of the flakes catching on her eyelashes, and melting on her face.

Agatha nodded in agreement, moving to rest her head against Rio’s. “Our little boy’s watching over us,” she said hoarsely, and she believed it.

When they both left the cemetery a little while later Agatha finally met Rio’s eyes for the first time. Both had dark circles under their eyes, neither slept well anymore. “Do you…maybe…wanna get a cup of coffee, just for old time’s sake? No expectations, just two people who’ve known each other for years?” Rio inquired.

“Unfortunately I can’t. I have to get back to Westview because a friend of mine is having a Christmas party tonight, I’m sorry,” Agatha answered, her tone surprisingly sheepish as she glanced away from her ex-wife.

“Oh, well, it was worth a shot. Merry Christmas, Aggie.” Rio hadn’t even noticed she used that old nickname, but Agatha did as Rio turned, starting to walk away.

Before Agatha could think things through, or even at all she called after Rio. “Wait, what are your plans for Christmas?”

“No clue, probably unpacking my apartment that I’ve been living in for six months and haven’t done anything with,” Rio admitted, now the sheepish one.

Agatha scoffed, shaking her head. “Come on, Nicky would be disappointed in me if I let his mami spend Christmas alone. You’re coming to New Jersey, and staying in my guest room.” Her tone made it clear Agatha wasn’t going to accept any arguments from Rio.

What neither of them could see was Nicky watching from above, smiling ever so slightly. He didn’t know if his mama and mami would find their way back to each other, but for the first time since before he died, he had hope.

[goosewriting]

One last chance III

summary: third and final part to one last chance! the long awaited reunion :3 

relationship: Rise!Leo x gn!reader

warnings: mentions of blood

word count: 3.1k

A/N: at long last, here it is! since there’s a bunch of hopping between worlds, i added clarifications for when the story changes into another timeline (NY: new york aka main timeline / KR: krangpocalypse timeline / TR: triceraton world). that way you can differentiate if there’s an actual change of place or if it’s just a time skip! i really hope you like it :’) 

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 (you’re here!)

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

— — — 

The very next day, Leo and you gathered the other turtle brothers and Casey at the dinner table to tell them your plan. Mikey would have to open two more portals; one to get the older Leo from Casey’s timeline, and one portal to go place him in the Triceraton world with the other older you. 

You two watched as everyone processed your words, displaying different emotions in their faces. Your gaze fell on Mikey, who furrowed is brows, fidgeting with his fingers.

“I don’t know if I have it in me,” the youngest turtle admitted. Raph placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“It does sound dangerous,” the eldest said.

“I don’t even know how to find those dimensions again,” Mikey added.

“Just do the same thing you were doing last time,” you offered. “What were you thinking about when Leo fell through?”

Mikey scratched his chin as he thought it over.

“I don’t know, dino nuggets?”

“Makes sense,” Leo said with a serious nod. You playfully rolled your eyes.

“How will you find my timeline, though?” asked Casey. 

“With you, actually,” Donnie chimed in, bringing his hands in front of him with touching fingertips. “Your quantum signature should be unique enough to pinpoint it. I’ll build something to amplify Mikey’s powers.” 

“Sounds like we have a plan, then,” Leo concluded, placing his hands on the table and standing up. “Let’s get started.”

– – –

Mikey trained with smaller things first, making portals from one room to the other, and catching things mid-air and safely placing them on the ground. Meanwhile, you and Leo prepared a place where older Leo could stay. One portal already took a lot of effort; you didn’t really want to overexert Mikey and have him make two big ones, one right after the other. Also, future Leo might be hurt, so Raph helped you gather supplies for a little first aid kit as well.

The night before the big day, when Mikey would open the first portal, you were way too excited to sleep. You looked over at Leo, both of you in his bed, and it seemed he wasn’t feeling much differently, nervously tapping his fingers on his chest.

“It’s gonna work, right?” he asked in a low voice. 

“I think so, yeah,” you replied genuinely.

“Do you think I- he’ll be… mad?” You propped yourself up on your elbow at his question.

“You’re asking me? Shouldn’t you know better than anyone?” 

“Iunno,” he mumbled, and you gave him a sympathetic smile. 

“Well... If everyone you knew were gone, and you had the chance to spend more time with them, even if they’re technically a different version from another dimension, wouldn’t you want to see them?”

He thought it over for a moment. 

“I think so, yeah,” he replied.

“I know I’d want it too.”

For a moment, you two just looked at each other in the dim light of his room, then a giggle escaped you.

“What?” he asked with a suspicious smile. You sighed, lying back down properly and cuddling into his side.

“It’s like a tragic love story. Two star crossed lovers, promising to find each other in any universe.”

Leo took your hand, giving it a squeeze.

“I’d look for you in every universe,” he whispered. You hid face in the pillow with a groan.

“You’re so corny,” you laughed.

“And you love me for it.”

“Hmm, I do,” you said, stretching your neck to place a kiss on his cheek, then went back to getting comfortable.

Finally feeling a little more at ease, sleep slowly started to take over.

“I just hope he’s… still there,” Leo said so lowly you almost missed it. “The way Casey described the future, it was super bleak. I hope nothing happened to–”

“Shush,” you interrupted him, hugging his torso to reassure him. “It will work, I know it.”

“Hmm, yeah. It’ll work.”

With that, you both drifted off to sleep.

– – – [NY]

Donnie had built a hollow box of sorts, big enough to stand in it, with two wires coming out of either side. He put it on the floor, told Casey to step into it, and he activated it with his own nimpo, one wire connecting to Mikey, one to Donnie. The rest of you held onto Mikey’s arms like last time.

“It’s go time,” Donnie said with a wicked smile of sorts as the device started glowing.

– – – [KR]

Leo tried to hold back a pained groan between his pants. He looked at his leg; that’s a lot of blood. That krangified creature had got him good.

He tried getting back to his feet, but his leg gave out under him, and he was back on the ground, leaning onto the broken pieces of what used to be a building, sticking out from the dark sand that had taken over everything, transforming the urban landscape into a wasteland.

This is it, he thought, and bitterly smiled to himself. I’ve had a good run. Wish I had done some things differently, but…

Images of you flooded his mind, his brothers, Splinter, April, Casey… Ah, he really hoped the boy made it.

A  growling noise tore him out of his thoughts, and he saw the creature that had got him in this situation in the first place, approaching him slowly, about to pounce. With a deep exhale, Leo accepted his fate, finding no more fight left in him. He looked at the handle of his sword, now donning three coloured bands.

“Just get it over with!” he called out to the creature. Just as it was crouching down to build up its energy to jump, there was an all too familiar sizzling sound between him and the creature. 

Leo tiredly opened his eyes, and his brows rose in disbelief at what he was seeing. It was one of Mikey’s portals, moving towards him.

“What the—”

He got swept through the portal like a fish getting caught by a landing net. Gone was the coarse sand under him, replaced by something soft and warm and inviting. In front of him, figures he fully believed he’d never get to see again: his brothers, all alive; his younger self, looking at him with the same shock; Casey, and… you.

Mikey collapsed on the ground with a grunt. Raph picked him up and Donnie took them to his lab. Casey stepped out from his little box, which had deactivated the moment the portal disappeared.

“M-master Leonardo?” the boy asked in a mix of disbelief, surprise, and happiness. 

“Casey Junior,” the older Leo greeted him with a tired grin. “You made it.”

“Found the key, stopped the Krang,” Casey replied with the instructions his master had made him repeat back then. As his eyes started welling up with tears, Casey ran up to Leo and hugged him, which earned a groan of pain from the older turtle, but it turned into a chuckle. He hugged him back to the best of his abilities.

That’s when you noticed the turtle’s leg.

“O-oh my goodness, that looks very much not good,” you exclaimed, pointing at the wound covered in blood and debris.

“Yeesh,” younger Leo cringed after following your eyes.

You got to work cleaning up his wounds, disinfecting, and bandaging everything up. Older Leo was too exhausted to protest.

As the three of you were cleaning the grime off of hte turtle with a wet rag, you came to his right shoulder, and what you had thought was a giant glove, slid off slightly. So you took it off to be able to clean him better, except that instead of sliding the garment off his arm, the whole thing came off, leaving only a stubble reaching to just above where his elbow would be. Leo audibly gasped behind you.

“I- you- what happened to your arm?” Leo asked, turning to the boy on the patient’s other side. “Casey, you didn’t tell me I lost a whole arm!”

“There’s a lot I didn’t tell you, and it was for a reason–”

“Guys,” the older turtle interrupted.

Everyone got their attention back to the man on the pile of blankets.

“As much as I’m glad that you’re all okay, what am I doing here?” he questioned, his eyes jumping from Casey, to Leo, to you. 

“Don’t worry about it, just rest up,” Casey instructed.

“Yeah, we have a plan,” you added with a smile. “Just… get your energy back. We’ll explain everything later.”

He was too tired to argue, so he just let himself drift off into the welcoming embrace of sleep, and with a deep exhale, he passed out on the spot.

“Casey, stay with him,” you told the boy. “We’ll check on Mikey.” 

With a nod you instructed Leo to follow you, and you went to the lab, where you found Mikey on a makeshift cot. He was fine, also napping. Donnie assured you he just needed some rest. 

You all took turns for the next several hours to watch over the two; you caught pieces of conversations here and there, depending on whether older Leo was awake and whose turn it was to keep him company. But you tried not to eavesdrop, as you were sure he was telling them important but personal things. The one you were very curious about was the conversation older Leo had with Splinter. It seemed to be very emotional, but you kept your distance to give them some privacy. The boys’ father retired to his room for most of the day after they talked.

When it was your turn to take care of Leo, you brought some food and a change of bandages for his legs. 

“No one’s told me yet what’s going on,” he said after you handed him his food. “They told me it was your idea?”

You were kneeling next to him, and squirmed a little in your seat. 

“Are you sure you want to know now?” you asked, your gaze falling to your lap. “Don’t you want to recover a little more? You’re still in pretty rough shape–”

Leo interrupted you by calling your name. Your eyes darted back up to him and he raised a brow at you as he took a bite of the sandwich. You smiled to yourself. Some things really never change; that’s the same look young Leo would have given you in this situation.

With a sigh of defeat, you told him how after you had had your encounter in the alleyway, your timeline’s Leo had a similar one with an alternate older version of yourself, in a world where a different alien species had invaded Earth, but they were at peace now. Their Leo had died in the process, though.

“So,” you concluded after your retelling. “Leo and I, I mean my Leo, I mean…” You couldn’t help the heat creeping up to your cheeks, and the turtle gave you a knowing smirk. “Me and this world’s Leo; we thought we could help you guys out. You were left alone in a world that had no hope of being saved. And my other self is in a world worth living in, but is missing you. So, you know. 1+1=2 and here you are.”

Older Leo seemed genuinely surprised by your words. Whatever it was he had expected, this was not it. 

“I mean, you’re also free to stay here if you want to,” you offered, pointing over your shoulder. “There’s already Casey, so… I’m sure he’d like it if you stayed.”

“No can do,” Leo said with a sad smile, and you frowned. “I don’t really like the idea of playing with the timelines; my Donnie would have been vehemently against it.” He smiled nostalgically as he looked to the side for a second, then brought his attention back to you. “But in the end, he probably would have come to a similar conclusion. It’s obvious I’m not gonna ask you to bring me back to my timeline…. You were right on time, you know? A moment later and I would have been a goner.”

You gave him a worried look, but he dismissed it with a gesture of his hand.

“But,” he continued. “This isn’t my place to stay, either. I’ll take you up on your offer.” You perked up at that. “A different world at peace sounds pretty nice right about now.”

“From what Leo told me, everyone else seems to be alive there, you know,” you told him as you took out a fresh roll of gauzes from the supply box. “Raph, Mikey and Donnie. I’m sure they all miss you.”

Leo smiled, taking another bite of his sandwich as you started working on his leg. 

“And I miss them.”

“And I know it’s not the same because you won’t have the same memories and stuff–”

“Hey. It’s okay,” he calmed your doubts, holding your hand. “I appreciate it. Thank you.”

You merely gave him a nod, your heart racing at the gesture. His hand was so big, his whole presence made you feel so safe; you couldn’t wait to see your Leo keep growing and become the man you had in front of you now.

Not long after, when Mikey started feeling better, you all started preparing Leo’s departure.

– – – [TR]

You were taking your evening stroll through the park as you’d usually do. It had been raining all day though, and the cool wind seemed to make the droplets seep further into your clothes. As per usual, your feet brought you to the memorial statue by themselves, like they always did when you were lost in thought. 

Your grip tightened around your umbrella. It’s been so many years. Maybe it was time to finally let go. This grief was getting you nowhere. Leo wouldn’t want you to waste away like this just because he wasn’t there.

Standing in front of the statue, you let your eyes wander over it, looking at all the little details, discovering some new cracks in the rock. You did your best to keep it clean and all, but time, wind and rain seemed to chip away at it, no matter your efforts. Kind of like you felt, too, you concluded with a defeated sigh. 

Bringing your gaze back to the turtle’s heroic face expression, you tilted your head lightly. Just what were you supposed to do now?

– – – [NY]

Everyone got into position just like for the other portal, but you stayed back this time. You were facing away from where the yellow ring of light would open, as you didn’t want to see your older self.

“You sure you don’t want to see?” Leo asked. “The dinos looked pretty cool?” You chuckled.

“Nah, it’s okay,” you answered, looking up at him with a smile. “I don’t need to see other worlds, I have everything I need right here.”

You placed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. The turtle wasn’t able to reciprocate, but blushed as he spotted his older self a couple of steps away, giving him a thumbs up. 

– – – [TR]

You took one last look at the statue, some droplets hitting your face in the wind, which was starting to pick up. Just as you meant to turn around to leave, you heard some zaps behind you.

Just like last time, a flurry of yellow lights materialised out of nowhere over the gravel path of the park, expanding and clearing up until you could see through it. Young Leo hopped into your world, calling out to you with relief, as it meant he didn’t have to go look for you.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” he said as he jogged the short distance to where you stood.

“Wha- You’re back?” You were shocked to your bones, as you really thought you would never get to see any Leo ever again. “Why? How?”

“Doesn’t matter, I won’t be long either,” Leo informed you, taking your hand that you had stretched out to him. “I just came to say hi and bring you a gift.”

He let go and stepped aside. From behind him, another figure stepped through the portal. Your hand came to your mouth as you gasped, your umbrella dropping to the ground. 

Mikey groaned from the effort, the glowing yellow cracks expanding further over his arms.

“Hurry it up, guys!” Raph called from the other side of the portal. “Mikey can’t hold it open much longer!”

Turning to you, younger Leo held your hands one last time, and you dragged your eyes from one blue clad turtle to the younger one. 

“Give him the happy ending you both deserved, alright?” he asked, and giving you and older Leo one last hug, he hurried back to the portal, which started becoming more unstable by the second, the zaps threatening to collapse any moment now.

And not a second too soon, younger Leo left the scene, the portal closing right behind him with a loud crackle. 

Leo and you were left alone in the rain, looking at each other and just taking each other in.

“Hey,” Leo spoke first, taking a couple of steps in your direction.

“... Hi,“ you greeted him, your voice almost inaudible, as you looked him up and down repeatedly in disbelief. 

“The kids had a crazy idea and… it worked.”

You let out a shuddering breath, looking at your hands, opening and closing them in an attempt to ground yourself. 

“What timeline are you from?” you finally asked. Leo had to take a moment to think how to even answer that.

“The bad ending, I guess?” he settled on. “One where the world ended. I lost everything.”

He looked up at the statue of himself and smiled.

“This one didn’t lose an arm though, huh.” 

His attempt at lightening the mood was short-lived, as the small smile that had formed on your face disappeared just as quickly.

“No, but he lost everything, too,” you said, your hands clenching into fists as you dragged your eyes back up to meet his warm ones.

“You think I can fill the vacant spot he left open for this world’s coolest Leonardo?”

You couldn’t help but snort this time. 

“Yeah,” you offered, relaxing visibly. “I think he’d be okay with that.”

Leo finally approached you, carefully stroking over your cheek with the back of his hand, and you leaned into the touch. The rain hitting your face mixed with your tears.

“Okaerinasai,” you welcomed him back home as you placed your hand over his. He leaned down to touch his forehead to yours.

“Tadaima.”

— — —

Bonus:

“You think they’ll be okay?” you asked Leo after the portal closed.

“You said it yourself,” he said, placing his arm over your shoulder. “Star crossed lovers: they’ll always find back to each other because they belong together.”

~~~~~

🐥 taglist: [link to join in my pinned post!] @theoriginalmintyyyshake, @DyByNyght, @Lieutenantlashfaz, @galaxtic-writings, @Lovestruckfictionadict, @salty-s-r, @sleebykei, @miso-sopas, @duckanon, @wings-of-sapphire, @ashtheboookworm2, @xxnoxx, @crystal-crax, @lunaramune

also tagging the people in the comments in the second part who wanted to see a reunion! feel free to ignore 🙈

@koalaray, @catr4dora, @mialettt, @flowerloves, @franbowidk, @warrior-girl, @nessarolla-in-constant-flux, @crystal-crax, @kitkattzz

[kingcons]

The substance is the most upsetting movie of the year to me. Full disclosure, this isn’t any ground breaking stuff you’re about to read, just me writing down my thoughts. Most of which have probably been said before by now. But it you want to read my ramblings, here ya go:

Spoilers for the whole movie below. If you haven’t seen this movie and like extreme horror (specifically body horror) please watch it. It’s fantastic and possibly my new favorite movie.

Sue and Elizabeth both deserved a chance at happiness. That is the thing that kills me about that movie. Under all the gore and grimness and camp it’s just so fucking sad.

Anything one does to the other is just them doing it to themselves. You can try to kill the part of you that hurts or fails or is ugly or weak or older or more scarred or not as nice - but it’s part of you. You are one, as the movie says over and over. This is such a tragic movie to me.

Aging is body horror. This is partly because of societal pressures and toxic beauty standards, but it’s also a slow crawl to death. It’s watching something you need to live break down and fall apart in front of your eyes and not being able to permanently fix it. Death is an inevitability that comes for us all, but aging can be worse for some. When we die, whatever may happen to our soul or if anything even happens at all, it’ll happen whether we want it to or not. There’s nothing to fear in the inevitable, but there’s also no reason to rush what may be your only shot at existence. And if you do want to live a long filled life, you have to accept that aging is a part of it.

Elisabeth being so desperate for perfection and for her career back is a story that’s as old as time. It’s not really her fault she was pushed to use the substance, but it is her responsibility that she fully carried out making a new ‘better’ version of herself. She doesn’t really have any friends or family more than that, just a big luxury apartment with a giant picture of herself at her peak. It stares at her all the time, and it’s what she tried to be everyday. But even as Sue, suddenly that wasn’t even enough. She needed to be better and more beautiful.

It broke my heart when Elisabeth tried to kill sue despite how she ended up looking. She didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to live as pain free as she could. And it was a further tug on my heart strings when she regretted this. Because Elisabeth had accepted sue as a part of herself, and was tired of hurting that part because it was hurting her. She just wanted it to end. She just wanted things to go back to normal and they can’t and it’s all her fault and she literally has no one in the world but her and her ‘more perfect’ self for comfort. And her ‘more perfect’ self then proceeds to brutally kill her.

I know it was mostly to hurt Elisabeth’s feelings but sue’s tv interview where she made up a story of her family is also oddly sad to me. She doesn’t have that. She has memories of Elisabeth’s life, but she has defined herself as a different person now. A person who came into existence in their early to mid twenties combined with the split consciousness of what was essentially her own mother. Of course she’s fucking terrified of switching back. Not only does Elisabeth herself like Sue’s body more, but to switch would mean she’s no longer in control and it would mean having to live in a decrepit and dying body who she herself has twisted beyond recognition. Then for Sue to be almost killed by her own giver of life (herself), lash out and try to kill the part of her who is unloved, and realizing that part of her even from after death is having the last laugh almost, as she literally falls apart piece by piece on what was supposed to be a magical night just for her.

Of course, we have to talk about their final form. Monstero Elisasue. Quick side note, I honestly don’t think Sue was stupid or irresponsible for using the activator even though it warned it was for single use. I think literally anyone in her shoes would do the same thing. She was breaking down in front of her very eyes and dying in such a slow and horrible way that she was desperate to do anything to stop it - to do anything to still be beautiful. She was in a crisis both physically and mentally.

Back on track, I think there’s definitely something to be said about although this was never meant to happen, the substance still made this in an attempt to create ‘a better version of both Sue and Elisabeth’. And it IS. not physically, of course, but emotionally this is when they finally accept themselves as one person and love themselves again. It’s so sad to me because elisasue was not evil or violent, but because she looked so horrific, it didn’t matter that she was happy to the crowd. They were terrified of her and killed her. Elisasue is not a monster, despite looking like one. She’s a new being. A copy of a copy. When she says “it’s still me” it breaks my heart because she genuinely thought she’d be accepted and loved just the same but instead she was met with violence and fear. She lived for only a few hours, and in that time she was shown nothing but hatred. Because it didn’t matter that she was happy, it only mattered that she couldn’t make money anymore. That is of course reading into the symbolism, the reality of what happened showed some understandable reactions even if they weren’t kind. Being disgusted and terrified of elisasue is pretty reasonable given how she looks and just what she is. I’m not saying she’s gonna win any modeling competitions any time soon. But I am saying that she finally figured out there was more to life than looks and youth and fitness and that, right there, is what thematically gets her killed.

At the end with her on the star, I felt almost relief for the first time watching that movie. She’s genuinely happy. She doesn’t care that she’s literally just a face and some fleshy tendrils, she’s truly happy and at peace. I don’t even know if she’s aware she’s dying at that point or if she just doesn’t care. Maybe she can’t comprehend it because her new form is so different from her first one. She dies after melting into her stardom. She gave everything to her career and it gave her nothing back. But at the very end, she’s at peace. She’s finally who she wants to be without the pain of toxic beauty standards. And she just fades away, like the universe finally decided she’d suffered enough for being human.

There’s a lot I could talk about with cinematography, music, sound design, lighting and practical effects, but I’ll do that another time. This is just me talking about my thoughts on the story and characters.

I rate this movie:

9/10. The only reason it’s not 10 is because I think the origin and creation of the substance is a bit poorly explained. However, that’s such a small detail that it doesn’t offend me. Also because I HATED the nail in the elevator scene that made me cringe. But yeah, this movie fucks hard. If you think you have the stomach for it, do not miss out. It’s very hard hitting and surprisingly sad. It blends crazy body horror with tragedy quite well.

very reminiscent of the fly, Raw/grave, it follows, the thing and even somewhat doctor who (anyone remember the eleventh doctor two part episode ‘the flesh’?) Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley are phenomenally talented. I am desperate for them to do horror or drama in future, they fucking killed it. Such talent and skill. Bravo. Coralie Fargeat is a very very good director, too. This idea and execution for this movie were wild and brilliant and awful and terrible all at the same time. She’s a true artist and I hope she does a lot more fucked up things in future.

[shiorimakibawrites]

Slow and Steady (Kinktober Day 7)

Personal Masterlist for Kinktober 2023

FlightlessAngelWings' prompt list can be found here.

Day 7 - Slow and Soft Sex

Pairing: Frank Castle x AFAB! Fem! Reader

Word Count: 767

Warning(s): Reference to Frank's tragic backstory, kissing, nipple play, vaginal fingering, unprotected p in v sex, implied overstimulation

Tagging: @flightlessangelwings

Slow and Steady

Frank held your chin in his hand and kissed you. It was a soft but thorough kiss, his tongue exploring your mouth and teasing your tongue into joining his. Only the need for air forced your mouths apart. His fingers delicately trace the features of your face while emotions warred into his eyes. Joy and hope versus pain and fear.

Your own fingers traced his face, just as gentle and soft. You didn’t like seeing him in pain but knew you always would. Nothing would ever be able to erase this particular pain. Because Maria, Lisa, and Frankie Jr were still gone. And that was always going to hurt him.

You didn’t like the fear either but like the pain, there was nothing you could about it. Some part of him was always going to fear losing you like he had lost his family. That he wouldn’t be fast enough, strong enough, deadly enough to save you. You wanted to promise him that you were safe, that nothing was going to happen to you but you couldn’t. Neither of you had the ability to believe in such comforting lies.

Not wanting to think about such things anymore, you leaned forward and kissed him. Mirrored his earlier kiss, a soft but thorough exploration of his mouth. His hand had left your face to travel down your arm. His touch was light, almost as if he was afraid to actually touch you. Like you would shatter into a million pieces or disappear the moment he did.

You pulled away his mouth to whisper, “I’m here, babe. It’s okay. I’m really here.”

He didn’t say anything but his touch became more confident. Bolder too as his hand cupped your breast. He kneaded the flesh as he trailed kisses down your neck. When he reached your breast, he alternately kissed and laved the nipple with his tongue until it had tightened into a stiff peak. Which he then drew into his mouth and sucked. He already had you panting but that made you gasp and arch your back.

The hand had continued its journey downward toward your mound. You moaned and spread your legs to give his hand room. His fingers explored your folds with the same gentle delicacy he had traced your face. It sent sparks of pleasure running through your body but it wasn’t enough.

“F-Frank,” you managed to pant out. “D-don’t tease.”

He lifted his mouth off your breast long enough to say, “Sorry darling.”

You could tell from the sassy grin on his face and this tone that he wasn’t sorry at all. But since he started rubbing your clit with little circles, you decided to let it go. Especially since his mouth also resumed its work on your breast. Your breathy moans and his low rumbles filled your ears.

You whined when his finger stopped rubbing your clit, only to let a studdering moan when that finger traced your entrance and slipped inside you. It was soon joined by a second finger. He pumped those fingers into you with a slow, steady rhythm. Like he would gladly spend all day fucking you with his fingers, letting your orgasm gradually build.

You were getting close when he withdrew his fingers and lifted his mouth away from your breast. You whimpered and dragging out his name into a whine, “Fr-Fraaank!”

“Just a minute, darling,” he said, shifting his position behind you. He lifted your top leg and moved it over his hips. Then you felt his cock rub through your folds, coating himself in your slick. Then the head was nudging your entrance and pushing inside. You moaned as he slowly pushed his cock into your eager cunt until he bottomed out with a groan. He withdraw until only the head remained before sinking back in.

Slowly he built a rhythm of steady thrusts, each pressing in a deeply as possible. Each hitting that spot deep inside you that felt so good. You were moaning and begging but he refused to be rushed. Just kept the same unhurried pace, gently pushing you toward that edge.

When you were getting close again, his hand returned to your clit. Finger moving in the same gentle circles as before. Until you came, sobbing his name. He worked you thorough your orgasm, only moving his hand away from your clit when you started squirming and whimpering ‘too much.’

He never sped up his thrusts but the rhythm became erratic until with one last thrust, as deep inside you as he could be, he released with a low, rumbling moan into your shoulder.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my ask! The way you write your view on things is very beautiful and reading your reply actually brought me a lot of peace on the subject. Your comment on Paul being somewhat akin to a soundboard for everyone’s grief really stood out to me in particular. I know for one that I can find myself wishing to believe a certain narrative to ease my grief. Maybe to a certain extent Paul has done the same, the other alternative too awful to acknowledge. Hence the adamant love he shares about John with the world today. Alongside this, everyone looking to him to give something, an answer, a comfort to allow them to understand this tragedy somehow. He could feel a certain sense of responsibility. I also wonder if it could be mixed up with other things. Like the very angry public reaction Paul received immediately after Johns death and the months following. His comment “it’s a drag" being misinterpreted for example. Perhaps there’s a part of Paul who’s learnt not to share any sign of complexity at all, instead only one of devoted love. However I believe if that was some part, it would be a small one, perhaps even an unconscious one. I think mostly it would be growing with his grief over time and being able to see things in a clearer more simple light. Which was one of a deep love, platonic or not, for his best friend. What do you think?

In terms of what a more tragic scenario would be, I found your opinion on these very eye opening. Each one being awful in different ways of course but each one also having a certain acceptance you can find within them. Your thoughts on the one sided love and the sting being somewhat lifted through the ‘nothing to be done’ notion was strangely very comforting to me! I thank you for lifting my own thoughts on this as it was the one I originally found most depressing. On the other hand the mutual love scenario where (assuming here) they were both aware of each others feelings I still find myself drifting towards. I suppose I find this less tragic as it meant that at one point in their lives, they were on exactly the same page with each other. On every aspect. A fleeting time I’m sure, but a time of certainty on both sides. It could be argued that this certainty would be a like a rock for Paul to fall back on in his doubting moments after John’s death. (However I can also see your point of this actually having the opposite effect.)

In terms of the ‘truth.’ As you say there’s a lot of evidence to make an educated guess that John’s sexuality wasn’t straight. His wife being one of them. But what I find strange is Paul being so adamant that John most definitely was straight. Surely he would have known John best after Yoko, potentially even more, so I find him not knowing or not picking up on that at all very unlikely. Then why the denial? I had thought he was either outright lying (Maybe to hide something between them or to protect his memory?) Or there might be a certain internalised homophobia within himself? Or indeed the thought that Yoko was exaggerating things massively. I’m not sure at all, what are your thoughts?

I can see the story of the boy from your high school being a reason for John’s behaviour towards Paul in the 70’s. I can also see this as a reaction to a certain on off relationship between the two. One minute being emotionally vulnerable with eachother, perhaps sleeping together, the next minute getting scared and backing away, leaving the other confused and hurt. (John having a public reaction while Paul having a private one.) This cycle repeating itself until apparently reconciling in the late 70’s. It rings true to me whatever their relationship was, an intense platonic one, a sexual one or a pining one sided situation.) I wonder what you thought of the James McCartney quote where he remembers sitting on Johns lap, which meant Paul and John saw each other after 1976? I don’t have a source for the quote so I’m not sure if it’s real at all!

Lastly, what I loved about your reply was the reminder (which I sometimes forget) that even if it was one sided, it doesn’t mean Paul loved John any less. Indeed him craving John’s attention I could believe too. A powerful friendship can be just as tumultuous, passionate and deeply moving as any other kind of relationship. I find your holistic view on mclennon very refreshing, I love the discussion!

Hi anon! This is a very long, thoughtful message, so I'm going to break it up into points:

Perhaps there’s a part of Paul who’s learnt not to share any sign of complexity at all, instead only one of devoted love.

I think this hits the nail on the head quite well, though I also think Paul does often imply there's something more complex going on in his John feelings, he just doesn't very usually bring that part out in the open. Because few people want to hear it, for one, and because whatever truly negative feelings he has towards John, they're probably ultimately unproductively upsetting to him.

Your thoughts on the one sided love and the sting being somewhat lifted through the ‘nothing to be done’ notion was strangely very comforting to me!

I'm very happy I was able to give you a perspective which made thinking about the whole thing easier :)

On the other hand the mutual love scenario where (assuming here) they were both aware of each others feelings I still find myself drifting towards. I suppose I find this less tragic as it meant that at one point in their lives, they were on exactly the same page with each other.

This is interesting to me, because I tend to find it rather unlikely that John was in love with Paul all along. So I would wager there was a pre-attraction period during which they were on the same page. When that was exactly, is hard to say, but I do believe it existed. I'm also unconvinced that if they had reciprocated attraction towards each other, that they were both actually aware of this at the time.

In terms of the ‘truth.’ As you say there’s a lot of evidence to make an educated guess that John’s sexuality wasn’t straight. His wife being one of them. But what I find strange is Paul being so adamant that John most definitely was straight. Surely he would have known John best after Yoko, potentially even more, so I find him not knowing or not picking up on that at all very unlikely. Then why the denial?

I was talking to someone about this recently. There's ways in which the bird's eye view we have of the band's history is actually advantageous with regards to understanding these things, as opposed to spending every day with someone. Paul probably did see a lot of "clues" about John, and I do think he has some cognitive dissonance regarding some of them, but if these clues were "sparsely distributed" enough, it would be hard for him, living through the 60s from day to day, to assemble them into a coherent conclusion. (Tangential, but I wrote a fic that is kind of 100% about this as a concept lol) I also think Paul, while having had friendships with many gay people, probably hasn't actually dealt with a friend he already knew well coming out to him, and is thus underestimating the amount John may have been hiding (however bad John was at hiding). It also just seems like a thing he finds inappropriate to speak about in public. It's hard to know how "personally" the denial he expresses should be taken.

I wonder what you thought of the James McCartney quote where he remembers sitting on Johns lap, which meant Paul and John saw each other after 1976? I don’t have a source for the quote so I’m not sure if it’s real at all!

I honestly think it's complete conjecture that they last saw each other in '76/taking John far too much at his exact word (in the Playboy interview, I wanna say?) There's a fair amount of evidence pointing to them seeing each other as recently as '79, I think. Some people say they saw each other weeks before John was killed, but that's a lot more speculative. How often they saw each other is another question, one I don't know the answer to (and fear is quite depressing).

I find your holistic view on mclennon very refreshing, I love the discussion!

Thank you! :) Holistic is certainly what I strive for in my analyses

[thatbennybee]

OOHHHH can you tell us more about Taffy please???

Sureeee!! It's a bit long, and a bit tragic, so buckle up for a bit of a read!!

Taffy Watersalt - Pop Troll

Age – 21

Parents – Butair Scotch (Male) and Licore Rich (Male)

Occupation – Pop Star / Siren

Personality: Immature. Quite bratty and rude, but who cares when she's so cute? They never remember once she starts singing... 💖

Backstory below

⬇️⬇️⬇️

Childhood

Taffy was a troll that loved to be the apple of everyone's eye. She always required a lot of attention which no troll minded giving her, as she was cute and sweet as pie. She loved to sing and dance and she was damn good at it too! She could always capture the attention of any troll in her vicinity. Some joked that her charm on other trolls was almost magical!

Her fathers had to pay attention to Taffy a lot more than the average troll, as it never seemed like she got tired of it, she just wanted more and more. Not that they minded, they loved her dearly and so did her “Aunt,” Tidal Shores. The best friend to Butair and Licore.

Backstory

Unfortunately, the good times came to a halt one day when Tidal was babysitting Taffy, she was making too much noise with her singing and dancing, and her ability to attract trolls to her, ALSO attracted Bergens. It’s like they couldn’t help themselves even though Trollstice was months away.

Quickly, Tidal realized that she was gathering more than just trolls with her song and they broke through the lock on the cage just to get to her. Tidal tried to get them to safety but the Bergens were faster. She had to do something, she couldn't let her best friends' child get hurt in her care.

Tidal had similar skin coloring to Taffy, and so in a split second decision as onlookers watched, Tidal disguised her hair like Taffy’s, shoved her away as far as she could and took her place as Bergens ripped Tidal apart.

---

This news shattered Taffy and her parents. But her parents were much more distraught, having known Tidal their whole lives; to the point that they turned grey. In the beginning, they tried their best to care for and reassure Taffy that it wasn’t her fault. But as Taffy was now more scared and needing the comfort of her parents, she desired their attention more than ever and would try her best to entertain them with her voice and dancing. It's the only thing she knew how to do to make others happy.

Her parents, now grey and more testy than before, began to resent her because her singing and dancing is what got them into this mess. Taffy doesn’t understand why her parents are ignoring her so much. She’s just trying her best!

She became demanding. Upset that they aren’t paying attention to her. They start to snap at her in public when she whines or cries. She’s only 5. She doesn’t know any better, she just wants to be cherished.

Like they used to. She’s just trying to make them happy again, she doesn’t understand. Her singing makes people smile and they’re happy. How come her dads won’t smile? They just look at her like she did something wrong. Why? WHY?

She’s angry. She throws tantrums, begging for them to listen. To look at her. Tidal would look at her.

“Tidal would still be here if it weren’t for you!”

What? But it’s not her fault. Poppa and Dada said so. Why would they change their minds now? Why are they angry at her? She doesn’t understand. Don’t they love her?

“No. We can’t even stand to look at you. This is all your fault. We hate you!”

What? No. No, that’s not true.

...

Butair & Licore are separated from Taffy. Other trolls fear that something might happen to her if she stays with them any longer. Grey trolls aren’t always predictable. Their emotions are negative, temperamental, they’re ticking time bombs. Pop Trolls don't know how to handle grey trolls. Neither does King Peppy. This was for the best.

Taffy is put into foster care. Taffy bounced from pod to pod growing up in the Pop Troll Tree. They could never give her the amount of love and attention she required. Taffy is trying to stay positive like everyone asks her to. They tell her to sing and be happy. She does. Everyone loves her when she’s cute and dancing. It's hypnotic; they can't look away!

Teen Years

Taffy's voice is only getting better. She’s idolized. The attention she’s always wanted. So easy. She gets through school, always popular, always receives the attention she wants. Who needs to study? Looking cute and batting her eyelashes always works.

She’s the best singer at open mic. She’s getting modeling gigs. She graduates. Top of her class, of course. Teachers loving her singing always helped her get better grades or free passes. She gets scouted and leaves Pop Troll Village. Their adoration isn't enough for her. She needs more love than this small village can offer!

Adulthood & Stardom

She’s the hottest troll singer around. Everyone loves her.

Why is it still not enough?!

Taffy needs to get better. To get more popular. To get more love.

She finds a gem that responds to her voice, it’s SOOOOO pretty! This should be part of her headpiece! It glows beautifully whenever she sings. She feels fulfilled after each show, the gem is absorbing their love… It gives her power over them. No one can be angry at her when she forces them all to love her anyways! This is what she needed. Who the hell needs family now? She can get all the love she wants this way. Nothing is her fault. It’s not her fault she’s loved by all who hear her beautiful voice.

She doesn’t need you, Butair and Licore.

She can do this all by herself. All she needs to do next is to have every soul on earth under her love spell... Then she'll finally be happy, right?

...Right?

[catboymoments]

CW CSA mention/incest /// (no description, just a question about your take on the owl house)

I was curious to know if this is a repeat behavior for Belos in your take on The Owl House? Did he hurt other grimwalkers/Caleb before Hunter? And if he is motivated by that (why he went after Evelynn)?

If you could,, would you be willing to elaborate on Belos's obsession with Caleb? I don't mean to call attention to the perpetrator at all,, not really asking for his motive,, I want to know where you are coming from with your take on this. It changes the context for me when interacting with your content.

Okay so as I go into this please know I don’t fuck with incest ships or romanticize them and I think that shit is GROSS!!!!!! Whenever I discuss topics that are dark or taboo, it’s all done for the purpose of a diverse and compelling story because we all know that only fluff does not a good narrative make, and my reasons for writing these things doesn’t come from a place of perversion, satisfaction or gratification. It comes from a place of me healing from my own trauma and for the first time, stepping into writing content that goes outside of my comfort zone.

I think that Philip Wittebane is a fucked up, evil and hypocritical man but he’s also a product of his environment and what we know of his childhood. He thinks what he’s doing is rational, and it’s not. Maybe he knows this! Maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know. But I do think that Belos was very possessive towards his older brother, and had some (obviously unreciprocated and also. Unknown to Caleb) behaviors/thoughts toward him that weren’t ok. I joke about him being “grandpa yandere” but it’s mostly a lighthearted joke about bad tropey things in anime and how it relates to how I view Belos’ character.

Whenever the “yandere” trope comes up in anime it’s mostly portrayed as the character being in genuine love with fluffy romantic feelings, and their violent behavior surrounding it played for laughs, or in worse cases, it’s romanticized as something tragic or beautiful. I’m not here to say that watching something that does this is problematic or it makes you a bad person, but in the real world and around a narrative where the characters have common sense (say, TOH,) this behavior isn’t a good thing at all- it’s abusive. It’s predatory. It doesn’t come from a place of love or affection as much as characters like yuno gasai would like to say- it comes from a place of a need to control and intent to harm without regard for the victim’s feelings, only the aggressors feelings matter. It’s like how rape isn’t about love, it’s about selfishness and control and violence. (This extends to the grimwalkers. It wasn’t about pure intentions or affectionate feelings. Ever.)

I feel like Belos, with his Puritan-Christian upbringing (that we all know sucks) and the shock of Caleb, his only caretaker and the only person he ever cared about abandoning him for someone else (an “evil demonic witch” nonetheless!!) caused a slurry of feelings that make for a complex narrative and a horrifying character who’s actions go on to hurt so many people.

Philip Wittebane is a horrible, complex, formidable and terrifying villain, and he only gets worse when you peel back the layers and start to speculate for yourself.