#also it is fucking late i just got home from a day long queer event and i even skipped the last event

[forabeatofadrum]

aap noot mies (2/14)

Notes: This fic will be a short one, by the way. I am aiming for 400 - 600 words per chapter, although I already fucked that up with chapter 7, so maybe it’ll be 500 - 700 instead. It’s always a challenge for me to keep things short, but I’m gonna try!

AO3 | S&C

–

DECAY - 11 points

“Welcome, hi, you must be Blaine!” Kurt(?) says excitedly. Blaine did have a profile photo, so this must be Kurt, since he recognises Blaine. “I hope you didn’t have to come from far.”

It was only almost an hour by train and then I got lost, Blaine wants to say, but instead nothing except for an “It was” comes out.

Kurt frowns.

“Oh… uh…” Kurt trails off awkwardly.

“I don’t mind, though!” Blaine quickly adds. Kurt shouldn’t look so sad with a frown like that! Blaine ever wants Kurt to be sad, that’s what he’s just decided.

Then his mind catches up with the situation and Blaine suddenly remembers that he has manners. Human manners! He holds out his hand.

“I’m Blaine, which you know. Blaine. That’s me.”

Kurt has an amused look on his face when he shakes Blaine’s hand.

“Aangenaam kennis maken,” Kurt says, because yes, of course, Dutch! That’s why Blaine’s here, to teach the language, not to gawk at Kurt.

“Aangenaam kennis te maken,” Blaine says back.

Kurt steps aside so that Blaine can enter the loft. Kurt explains that it’s not much, but it’s home, and he shares it with two friends from high school. Blaine looks around and sure some kitchen supplies are clearly second hand because they’re in a clear state of decay, and the furniture doesn’t match so it’s obvious that they thrifted a lot, but it’s so home-y. There are photos everywhere. Clothes are on the floor, as if someone just got home and immediately unwinded. There’s a nice smell in the air from some leftovers.

It's perfect.

“This place is amazing.”

“It’s home,” Kurt says with a shrug, “Where do you live in New York?”

“Upper West Side,” Blaine says as he still looks around. He should convince Wes to buy more knickknacks for their place.

“Oh my, I didn’t know! You really did come from far,” Kurt sounds embarrassed, “We can also meet up for lessons somewhere in the middle. Or around Broadway, since I work at this Diner there. Sorry I just assumed-”

“Hey, Kurt, it’s fine,” Blaine reassures him, “I knew I was going to Bushwick. You invited me and I decided to come here. For Dutch stuff.”

“For Dutch stuff, yeah.”

“May I ask, what prompted you to learn this language?” Blaine asks.

“Coffee?” Kurt asks, “I mean, do you want coffee? We can talk then.”

“Coffee sounds nice, yes, thank you. And, uh, may I use the bathroom?”

Blaine needs a breather.

Kurt points towards a wooden door and Blaine thanks him before rushing towards him.

In the bathroom he splashes some cold water on his face.

Keep it together.

Blaine’s not an idiot. He’s not ignorant of what he’s feeling. He’s had crushes before. Kurt is good looking, Blaine likes looking at him, simple as that. But he needs to have a moment to compose, since he needs to prove to Kurt that he’s capable of being serious. After all, if he’s out there stammering like a nervous wreck, then he doesn’t make a great impression. He needs to be verbose and great with language and speech!

Once he thinks he’s ready, he goes back to Kurt. He can do it.

[hyperfixated-homo]

ooh I'm gonna be super predictable but I adore big brother Virgil in any capacity, so if you wanna write that go wild. muah <3

Tired, but never of them

Virgil has a bad day. His little siblings comfort him in their own special way.

Ao3 Link

A/N: This took a while, sorry! Sibling stories are not my strong suit lmao. It’s not even really explicit that he’s the older one here, but you know that he is and I guess that’s what matters. Also I almost got to 2k words with this fic!! Yay me :D

———

He was having a bad day.

Everything had gone wrong from the moment he woke up. He was late for school because he needed to stay up all night to study for a test (which he missed, thanks to his lateness). Then he got a call from his boss and he had to leave his brothers alone in the house because obviously he didn't want to get fucking fired and lose their only source of income. Then it felt like the only customers at their shitty little convenience store were all angry moms and spoiled brats who would take forever to buy their stupid fucking candy and gum and then complain when he didn't give them a discount when they gave him dirty looks. Then in a tiring series of events:

Some kids from his school showed up and started fucking around with the displays.

One of them jokingly asked him out and then called him gay for not immediately saying no.

They all proceeded to laugh at him for being queer for like, half an hour (which he was, but they didn't know that so what was the point?).

A middle aged man yelled at him for five minutes because he wouldn't give him a free beer for an expired coupon that wasn't even for their store.

A kid started crying really fucking loudly in the corner (she didn't stop for fifteen minutes and her parents refused to leave the store. He didn't know if he felt more sorry for them or for himself).

Someone smashed a bottle on the floor trying to take it out of a six pack even though they had a massive sign that clearly stated that they didn't sell single bottles.

And then, to top it all off, one of the kids smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and set the place on fire.

So yeah. In conclusion; Virgil Sanders was having an absolutely horrible fucking day.

When he got home, it was already seven pm and he hadn't eaten since his rushed breakfast (the granola bars at the store didn't count for shit). He was exhausted and stressed out and so sick of everything that he didn't bother to say hi to his brothers when he got back, deciding instead to immediately go to his room and flop onto his bed.

He didn't even take off his shoes or jacket. He just laid there staring at the ceiling and wondering what the fuck he was doing with his life. 

Everything sort of hurt, but not in the sharp way it hurts to get a scrape, or hit your head. It was more like a general soreness that spread throughout his entire body once he laid down. His stomach hurt. It always did when he got stressed or overworked, but it made him feel miserable.

He would need to redo his test. And have to explain to his science teacher why he had to redo the test. Would he need to do it alone? Was that better or worse than having to do that in a room full of people? He didn't know. But he was still thinking about it. For some reason. And probably would be for the entire evening. Fuck.

He stared at the ceiling for a moment and then let out a long sigh. He probably needed to make some food for his brothers. Fucking-

His brothers! Had they eaten anything for lunch? He hadn't had time to come back home after his second morning class, he didn't even check on them when he came home. What if they'd gotten in trouble? What if they thought that he hated them because he was in a bad mood and didn't talk to them? He knew that they got upset when he didn't pay attention to them, how could he just-

A knock sounded at his door. He called out (much more shakily than he would like to admit) for them to come in.

His door opened slowly and two big blue eyes popped out behind it.

"Hey Logan." Virgil croaked out (when did his throat get so dry?)

"...Hi." He sounded small, like he didn't want to say anything. Was he scared? Upset maybe? God they probably did think that he hated them-

"We made you some stuff."

Virgil blinked at him. That was most definitely not what he expected. "You made me things?" Logan nodded, almost shyly.

"Jay and Patton wanted me to give it to you because I'm the most quiet and they didn't know if you had a headache or not." The little seven year old explained, opening the door more and revealing a little tray behind him. Virgil couldn't quite make out the contents from his spot on the bed.

"Can I come in?" He asked. Virgil let him in, sitting up to talk about him better.

Logan picked up the tray and brought it over. Placing it on an empty spot on his bed, he pushed himself up and sat next to Virgil, putting his little hand over Virgil's.

Virgil damn near cried.

On the tray was a plate of pasta, some water, a little box of Pepto-Bismol, two cards and a little blue gem.

The pasta was clearly Patton's, heated warm enough to feel the heat in his stomach but not hot enough to burn. It was sprinkled with sliced ham and Parmesan, which was funny because Virgil was the only one who actually like Parmesan in this house. The ham and cheese combo was simple but it had become a sort of comfort food for Virgil, who had gotten used to making foods like that on a very low budget. When Patton started taking over some of the cooking a the ripe age of ten, he managed to make the recipe even better by adding melted cream (it was legendary; cheap, tasty and made the pasta so much better. Virgil was so amazed at his abilities that he upgraded him to the house chef on the spot).

The water and Pepto-Bismol were probably Janus' doing. Most of his siblings didn't know the difference between it and other over the counter medication like Advil or Tylenol. Janus had helped him do some research on which ones were safer after Virgil expressed concern about how much medicine this family needed (Seriously, between the twins’ chaotic habit of slamming into every possible surface of any place they go—plus Patton's leg injury and Logan's chronic pain, Janus' headaches and Virgil's stomachaches—the drugstore nearby basically knew them by name). Janus had probably taken the time to think about what type of pain he was in and somehow figured out exactly what medicine would make him feel better. He did that all the time, but it never failed to amaze Virgil. 

The cards had so much detail both on the back and front that it could only have been the twins' work. There were drawings and doodles all over the paper, Roman's featuring chibi versions of his younger brothers giving Virgil a big hug, while Remus' showed some more realistic drawings that featured an odd amount of eyes and limbs. They were both equally endearing. What really took Virgil aback was the amount of stickers the two had put on their cards. They loved to collect stickers, but had a general rule that using them was strictly forbidden. They were meant for looking and not using. The two of them using so many made the cards feel really special, as strange as it was.

Opening the cards, Virgil was met with a pop up drawing of himself on Roman's card and a big monster of limbs and eyes and mouths on Remus' that was labeled "the bad day". He was a bit confused for a moment, but then Logan put the two together and he couldn't help but laugh.

When the pages were pressed against each other the pop-out figures it formed a scene where Virgil was a heroic knight, holding his sword out and fighting The Bad Day. It was so thoughtful and creative and them that it almost made Virgil choke up a little bit.

The final thing on the tray was a crystal, small enough to easily fit into his palm. It was smooth on the bottom and jutted out into a natural looking formation, the bumpy pattern giving it a wonderful texture and a frozen appearance. It was slightly transparent, and through it Virgil could see that the edges were a bright cyan, while the middles were a deeper shade of indigo.

It was a salt crystal, one that Logan had made himself at home after a class demonstration left him interested. He'd kept them afterwards and called them his comfort crystals, because the knowledge of their creation made him feel better when he was sad, and the texture was pleasantly stimulating to him.

The crystal on his tray now was one that they had made together. It was one of the first crystals that had ever actually formed (when Virgil realized that the reason they weren't forming was because it wasn't humid enough for it to crystalize). It was also the first one they'd dyed.

It was Logan's favorite comfort crystal.

"Sometimes I feel better when I'm just holding it," Logan murmured when Virgil picked it up "so you can borrow it for a bit."

It really wasn't much, but it meant everything to him. The pasta had too much ham and the glass wasn't filled all the way, and there were spelling mistakes in all the kind words in the cards and there was no way to put the crystal down so that it wouldn't start rolling when the bed moved but it was so, so perfect and oh fuck he was crying-

"Virge?" It wasn't from the little boy beside him, but rather his door. "Are you okay?"

Patton's concerned voice from the doorway was enough to make him sob. He walked in immediately and started going through breathing exercises to calm him down.

Virgil spluttered for a minute, trying to find a nice way to voice his thoughts without sounding like a complete idiot but eventually just said fuck it.

"'I'm not sad." He said in-between sobs "I just really, really love you guys, you know?"

Patton's concerned face split into a grin, and he squealed, pulling him up and into a hug. "I love you too!" He said, squeezing him tightly.

It took a while for Virgil finally calmed down enough to get out of the hug and wipe his eyes. When they broke from their hug, he could see the others standing in his doorway. It seemed that Logan had gone to grab them while Patton comforted him through his sob fest.

He snorted, slightly wetly, and said "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Instantly, he had two little balls of red and green in his arms, loudly asking if he's okay. Janus came over to pluck the food from its spot on the bed and put it somewhere safer, and Logan rejoined him by his side.

It was nice. They were nice. He could feel himself relax and calm down as the twins explained the thought process behind their cards a little better, the background noise doing wonders for his overstimulated mind. Patton and Janus sat down eventually, Janus on his right and Patton holding Logan on his left. They gave him back his pasta so that he could eat while they talked about their days. 

They were so careful to not talk about anything that might trigger him. Every time he thought about it, it made him want to burst into tears again. 

There was warmth on all sides, not trapping but simply surrounding him. And he felt safe.

It had been a bit of a bad day. And he was still a little tired, but he knew at the end of the day he could never be tired of his family.

[londonspirit]

October in London

I just realized I have not yet shared pics from my latest (and last) London trip (this year; I will be back now that traveling is doable again).  Four and a quarter glorious days in my fav city with the most beautiful weather one can ask for at the end of October! 

Arrived on Thursday on my own as C was going to join me on Friday so I had a day to myself. Sadly my evening plans got cancelled just two hours prior: the play I had wanted to see didn’t happen. Which was a shame as I’ve read quite a few nice things about it. (My Son’s a Queer But What Can You Do). So wandering around Camden Town/Greater London it was. Which is always nice. I LOVE London at night, it’s got that special feeling to it. Also: Camden Town this late isn’t as busy as over the day (although most shops and stores are closed or closing but still nice). (I also realized I may get to old for shared dorms... but it was just for one night so that wasn’t too bad) 

On Friday C arrived and we moved into our private room at the YHA in Earl’s Court. Basement, no wifi but with a garden and no strangers to share it with! After an unsuccessful trip to the nearest Tesco superstore for tea, we got ready for the Letters Live event at the RAH.  God, what a beautiful venue (even thought the first thing I saw was a freaking DALEK *hehe*). So very gorgeous! And what a line-up we had: Benedict Cumberbatch, Louise Brealey, Sue Perkins, Jonathan Pryce, Stephen Mangan, Graham Norton and so many more. The Letters were funny and heartbreaking, BC’s sea gull story had me in stitches (you know the one, with the hotel room and the pepperoni), and the period one was hysterical as well. There was some organ playing towards the end and DAMN, I still have goosebumps just thinking about that! Being in a place like that is such an amazing experience! Stage door was a bust and it was cold and windy and we were tired so thus endeth our Friday night adventure. 

But... we were back at the RAH on Saturday morning for a backstage tour. I always love these: you learn sooo much about a building and its history and the Royal Albert Hall is fascinating! Def going back there.  Sadly there was another stumble as the friend I wanted to meet up with was stuck in Leicester Square with no buses going and after some back and forth, we cancelled that meeting as well. Which is a shame, I haven’t seen her since the summer and I miss hanging out with her.  But we had to be at the Harold Pinter for our second trip highlight: the great David Tennant on stage!!! Having had booked tickets back in 2019 (!!!), it finally happened, almost two years later.  ... well, I’ve never left a play this disturbed, let me tell you that. I LOVE DT on stage, he always gives it his everything and his performance was outstanding as was the rest of the cast (well, two more people, Elliot Levey and Sharon Small). But the topic was just... ugh. I mean, it was so harrowing it really ruined the rest of the evening for us. And I’ve NEVER had that. I don’t know if it was because we’re Germans and shit like this ALWAYS hits differently, or because it’s too fucking relevant again these days, it was a freaking mood killer and we quickly went ‘home’ and to bed. (I will probably never get the image of DT in THAT uniform out of my head, and not for a good reason. *shudders* And I absolutely despise people saying he looked good in it.) 

Sunday morning we got up bright and early to FINALLY buy ALL THE TEA!!! (my backpack STILL smells like it and it’s the most beautiful scent!!)  The newly opened Battersea Power Station was our next stop where we waited about an hour to have London’s most amazing pancakes!!! Well worth it. The place just opened a week prior so things didn’t go as smoothly as one would expect but the manager soo made up for it! Everyone was stressed out but she was fluttering from table to table, checking on people, making sure everyone was happy (and our teas were on the house because we had waited so long). So if you go to ‘Where The Pancakes Are’ at Battersea Power Station be extra nice to her!  After that we had to hurry a bit to be at our booked slot for the Skygarden. First time for C to watch the sunset from there (second time for me) and it’s sooo worth it, even though it’s usually rather packed that time of day!!!  Also: the cocktails are super potent (and super expensive) so we spent the second half of the day a tad tipsy and very giggly, having another wander around London (even though we said we didn’t want to walk that much again - guess which day was the one where we walked the most? Yep, that Sunday! *hehe*)  It was late when we came back home but the spirits were once again high and happy! 

Monday was leaving day, always a sad one. But as always, London provided us with sooo many memories that it’ll last till the next time!!! 

Lots of love to C for coming along with me: soo needed, so wonderful! Here’s to the next time hopefully very very soon!!! 

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, Stuck. Sorry, I don’t know your real name.

I wrote this long ass post to bring some light into the fandom and between the CSs, and I hope you can post it? I’m new in the Tumblr world, but not in the 5H fandom. I don’t quite know how it works yet and, for the moment, I only know your blog and those of @emisonme, @karlaswine, @sun-to-my-luna, @underthatimpression, and @mentesimploria because, in one way or another, you’re all connected to each other. I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate every single one of you, the passion you have, and the hope you keep alive among those who, like me, love the girls. Also, the patience you guys have, especially against the haters, is admirable. I love the fact that you keep going. Because this is your sacred place, as it should be.

This is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. I’m what can be defined as a ‘silent fan’. I never commented on anything in the girls’ posts, not even on the fan accounts I follow. I don’t have Twitter. I have Facebook but it’s like I don’t have it because I don’t use it. I have Wattpad (obviously). I recently registered here on Tumblr, and I have Instagram. That’s what I use. It’s the only app along with YouTube that I use daily to keep up with the rest of the world. Especially the American part of the world. I’m Italian, but I speak American English well, and I apologize in advance if my lazy ass hasn’t noticed possible grammatical errors. I saw that a lot of you are into this stuff, so I thought I’d add it just because. I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Virgo rising.

I’m gonna turn 29 on December 22, and this is a BIG fuck off to all the people who have attacked you lately for your age. This is personal information that I give freely to make ignorant and small-minded people understand that, in this context especially, age is irrelevant. As you, little fucker who hides behind a computer to attack people just to feel stronger, have a life, we have it too. Like you, we have a life, a job, friends, etc. We also have passions. Passions that yes, my dear haters, also include shipping people. I don’t know why in your stupid brain we’re too old to ship people we love and to give opinions about it. I didn’t know it was something reserved only for those who still smell like mommy’s milk. But anyway…

I became aware of 5H existence just before summer 2015 thanks to ‘Worth It’. Being Italian, however, I had no idea who they were, and to be honest, I didn’t go searching for them. Randomly one day then, I ran into Camren on YouTube. I can’t remember which video I was watching, but I know for sure it was about ‘Heya/Brittana’ (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera/Brittany and Santana, my very first hard LGBT ship). And among the suggested videos, there they are. As ridiculous as it sounds, and although I liked them as soon as I saw them, I didn’t go searching for them. I did it when ‘Work from Home’ came out though. From there, I connected that they were the same ‘Worth It’ group and the same two girls I liked from those YouTube videos. I had officially become a fan. I was screwed. Screwed because, I’d officially entered one of the most messed up and yet most beautiful fandoms ever.

As I initially said, this is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. But after the recent events, seeing how many people gave up, it made me a little angry and gave me the strength to speak for the first time. I thought the first time would’ve been through the fanfiction I’ve been working on for over two years, but no. Lauren and her beautiful mouth had to terrorize, disappoint, panic, and make angry 80% of CS, thus fueling the hatred of all the other fandom towards us. So I decided to speak now. Maybe, just maybe, this very long ass post of mine is gonna help struggling CS. Maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna make them reason and bring them to their senses.

So. This, as I think you’ve understood, is about Lauren and what she said in the podcast. This is a reminder of the Laucy situation. These are things we already know and that I want to remind you of because apparently, my lovely fellows CS, either you have a short-term memory, or Lauren has the power to create amnesia in people’s minds and I knew nothing about it. Surely this power of hers didn’t work on me and a few others.

Oh and, before starting: 1) You may disagree with me. It’s normal to have different opinions. 2) You can search for information such as dates, easily on the internet. 3) I’m gonna use nicknames on PRs for fun. That doesn’t mean I hate them. I have my reasons for dislike each one of them as people, but I can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that they were or are the Camren beards. An example to make you understand what I mean is Ty. I’m a huge Ari fan and I’ve been listening to ‘safety net’ non-stop for two days straight. I really dislike Ty as a person, but I separate the art from the artist.

Okay, that said, I can start.

Lauren said: “I knew I was queer because I fell in love with my best friend when I was like 15.” – “Her and I started to have a physical connection when I was 15.”

Lauren and Lucid Vivisectionist met when L moved to Carrollton in 7th grade. Lucille moved back to Puerto Rico in February 2012, returning to visit Miami occasionally (this explains the fetus pictures with Lucy and Camren at L’s house). In February 2012, Lauren was 15, Camila 14, and Lucy 16. And who did Lauren meet when she was 15? Oh yeah, Camila. C and L did the first phase of the audition, the ‘cattle call’, on May 1, 2012 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Audition where Camila took courage to speak at the (“Oh my God that girl is) literally so beautiful” girl from which she felt intimidated by starting that adorable brief conversation “Hi, I like your shirt”, “Thanks. I like your jacket” just before it was her turn to get in for her audition. In May 2012, Lauren and Camila were both 15 years old. Lauren and Camila saw each other again for the first time on July 25th, two months later, in Miami on the first day of boot camp, and it was Lauren herself who went to Camila: “You’re the Cuban girl!”. In July 2012, Lauren was 16 and Camila was 15.

Lauren said: “She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere, and she called me.” Let me explain to you why I think this is true.

Lauren and Luxy reconnected with each other after Lucy’s car accident that took place on May 15, 2015. Lauren was really 18 in May 2015, and we can rule out The Reflection Tour dates because it started on February 27, 2015, and ended April 6, 2015. We can also rule out these other show dates that 5H did: April 11 in Jackson Township, New Jersey - April 13 at Live! with Kelly and Michael in New York - April 19 Lauren was at Coachella with Keana, Britt, and other friends - April 22 at the Worldwide Radio Summit in Hollywood - April 25 at Radio Disney Music Awards 2015 in Los Angeles - May 8 at Channel 93.3 Summer Kickoff 2015 in Chula Vista, San Diego - May 9 at Wango Tango 2015 in Carson, Los Angeles (May 9, rumors about Camila and Louis Tomlinson just because paparazzi believed they were together when Louis was actually together with Liam outside the Project Club L.A., and C who was at the club next door) - May 15 at KDWB Radio Show in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The rest of their program and possible date: May 16 at Kiss Concert 2015 in Mansfield, Massachusetts - May 19 at Dancing with the Stars in Los Angeles - May 30 at G-A-Y in London (rumors about Lauren and Louis Tomlinson this time, born because 5H went to Libertine nightclub with Louis and Niall) - May 31 at Britain’s Got More Talent in London - June 2 at Capital FM in Birmingham, England - June 5 at Good Morning Britain in London - June 6 at Capital FM Summertime Ball 2015 in London - June 12 at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii - June 14 at LA Pride 2015 - June 18 at Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles - June 20 at B96 Pepsi Summer Bash 2015 in Bridgeview, Illinois - June 23 at San Diego County Fair 2015 - 28 June at Show Of The Summer 2015 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - July 10 at Rockefeller Plaza in New York. July 15, 2015, beginning of Reflection: The Summer Tour.

June 27, 2015 Lauren turned 19, and do you guys remember the events of those days? Because I do.

On June 24, 2015, Lauren celebrated her birthday in advance at the famous sushi restaurant ‘Katsuya’. Among the guests were the girls, her mom Clara, some friends, including Jill (the same Jill/Jillian Gutowitz who worked with Zack Sang and who 5H met on April 22, 2015, at the Worldwide Radio Summit, which lasted for three days but they were present for two: 22 and 23. The same Jill who wrote the article for AfterEllen on January 25, 2016, about her experiences with women who denied their sexuality. Remember the story of Lauren Jordan, right?), and Noah Benardout (may he rest in peace). Still no Lucia, not even on the days when Lauren returned to Miami to celebrate with her family before resuming the program from the 28. As I already said, The Reflection Summer Tour began on July 15, 2015, and Lucy’s first public reappearance took place on one of the tour dates, that is, July 27 at Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

From that moment on, we saw Lucille appear on multiple occasions in hops through time. After the July 27th date, we saw her during the trip to Hawaii with Lauren and Keana in September, followed by the concert that the girls had on October 10 in the Bahamas, where they stayed with their families and friends for a few days. After the Bahamas, the mess happened between 5H because they found out about Camila’s departure from the group which initially should’ve been immediate, but for which they fought and gained another year. That, was also the time when Laucy signed their PR contract. As we know from Lauren herself, that was the worst and darkest time for her. That was the beginning of her numbness.

On October 23, they were on their way to Italy and Lauren wrote on her dark diary, the one shown to us in Episode 8 of her Attunements. On October 24, they arrived in Milan for the MTV Europe Music Awards 2015 occurred on October 25, and on October 28, in Madrid instead, there was the interview with Alyson Eckmann, the journalist Camila flirted with while Lauren was sitting right next to her.

Going forward, in November we have:

- Rumors about Lauren and Julius Dein (his friend who is a YouTube magician).

-The release of IKWYDLS including the rumors about Camila and Shawn and Michael Clifford (who was already in the picture) who were ‘vying for her’.

- Beginning of Lauren’s coming out plan which included: 1) The release of The Vamps’ album on November 23rd, that is, a week after the release of IKWYDLS, and which included the track ‘I Found A Girl’. Joe O'Neill, the manager of The Vamps, liked that famous tweet. Despite the efforts to make us believe that Bleahren (sorry for the Italian pun I made here, but ‘bleah’ in Italian is equivalent to the ‘eww’ to indicate something gross, and therefore Bleah-Ren) Brauren was real and that the girl involved was Lucille and not Camila, they’ve miscalculated since Lauren and Brad ‘dated’ in 2014 when Lucy had not yet returned into Lauren’s life. But since the album and consequently the song came out on November 23, 2015, they tried to manipulate people’s minds as usual. 2) Jill’s article that served to connect and more or less ‘confirm’ the story between this Jordan and her childhood friend, Lauren-Lucy.

- December: completion of the 7/27 album + Dina LaPolt’s entry + renegotiation of the contracts (mostly DNA’s contracts) + FIFTH HARMONY MUSIC, INC. created by LAND on December 21 to prepare for the transfer of the 5H trademark, the FIFTH HARMONY PARTNERSHIP, of which they became owners from April 27, 2016 + change of management from Faculty Management: Jared Paul and Janelle Lopez, to Maverick Management: Larry Rudolph, Dan Dymtrow, and Tara Beikae. [All things that were possible ONLY THANKS to the exit of C from the group]

- January 2016, we have Lauren and Lucrezia who came back from Colombia to then taking a road trip for Lucy’s birthday week.

- Jill’s article came out and coincidentally, by pure chance, exactly two days later, on January 27, 2016, Camila and Dinah were hacked.

- On March 9, 2016, Lauren, Normani, Andrea, Dinah, and Keana went to pierce their ears, or rather, Laurmainah pierced their ears, mama Dre and Keana just accompanied them. During her turn, Lauren asked Keana to take her phone to make a video. In the meantime, Mani was filming Lauren, and again by pure chance, Keana, who was in the heart of the frame, took Lauren’s phone as she’d asked, and both the lock screen and the home screen portrayed a picture of Lucania during a photoshoot. Same picture Lucy herself posted on Instagram on April 10th to leave no doubt.

- April 24, 2016, Coachella together.

- Luciana went with 5H in London, in May, during the promotion of the 7/27 album. (+ Camren video of May 28, 2016)

- She was present during the start of the tour in South America on June 26th (in the evening during the concert, L danced Big Bad Wolf for her, but that’s not the famous video, that was on September 5) and 27th to celebrate L’s birthday together (picture of the 27th of them in Buenos Aires).

- June 27, 2016, on L’s birthday, Jill posted a picture with L from the birthday dinner of the year before, further confirming the story of ‘Jordan’.

- August 1, the national girlfriend day, L posted a picture of her and Lucy.

- From August 12 to 21, Lucy was with them. The night after the concert on the 13th in Rochester Hills, Michigan, videos in which Lucilla appeared during Lauren Fuller’s birthday celebration at the hotel for dinner. On the 14th in Noblesville, Indiana, during Gonna Get Better and Big Bad Wolf Lauren smiled in Lucy’s direction who was in the audience. On the 18th in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a fan met Laucy in a movie theater restroom, taking a selfie with Lauren (C posted a picture of her in the dark with the words of Bad Things “don’t think that I can explain it” the same night).

- On September 4 and 5 Lucippe returned. On the 5th in Houston, Texas, the famous ‘super HD’ video took place in which Lauren danced Big Bad Wolf for Lucy, even pointing to her during her verse. [On September 6, Midland, Texas, during the Q&A, Lauren wore the same dress that Lucy was wearing to the concert the night before, and at the same time, she sat next to C and got jealous when C complimented a fan by sending her flying kisses. Ahh… The irony]

Now. Let’s move on to the part of the podcast where Lauren explains about the kiss with Lucza at her uncle and aunt’s wedding, how her aunt “super innocently” posted the pictures on Facebook that her “unreal invasive fans” found and posted, how Perez Hilton outed her to the world by posting an article with those pictures, how she did nothing for a week, and that after thinking “Ok, it happened. People know. What am I gonna do?”, she wrote that letter against Trump as her own way of coming out.

On November 4, 2016, Lauren and Lucynda did the ‘famous’ photoshoot in New Orleans called ‘Bare With Me’. Lauren flew to NOLA right after Halloween, got back to Miami to vote, then returned to New Orleans on the 10th along with her family for the wedding. Lucianna was also with her on the 10th for the rehearsal/bowling with all of Lauren’s relatives. Meanwhile Orange Trumpeter was elected on the 8th, and many celebrities were preparing to write a letter through Billboard against him and his supporters. Labels and management saw it as a perfect opportunity to get her to come out also considering how much Lauren has always been vocal on the subject, and THEY contacted Billboard to get her to participate in exchange of the exclusive of her coming out. All that was missing was the evidence to make sure that there had been no connection with Camila, and that was the reason for the kiss at the wedding on the 11th.

On November 13, the wedding photographer posted those pictures on his website, including the one of the kiss. And I’m sorry, Lolo, I love you but, really? Who are you kidding? The pictures didn’t start spreading because her ‘unreal invasive fans’ found them on her aunt’s Facebook page where she’d posted them ‘super innocently’. The pictures started spreading after the photographer posted them! And you know what’s even more funny? That to see those pictures on the website, you needed an access password. So what are you saying here, Lo? That your ‘unreal invasive fans’ were so good, to even have hacked their way into the website for pictures they didn’t even know existed? It wasn’t your team, was it? Oh, okay. My bad.

Sarcasm aside. The pictures started to spread, Perez tweeted about it on the 14th, and in the meantime Lauren had time to write the letter that was approved by the labels and sent to Billboard (on the 14th), who approved it a couple of days after it was sent (on the 16th), and which they then published it in the article two days later (on the 18th). In all of this, on November 15, 2016, the girls all went to Epic’s party. Since we know very well that most of the cases of coming out as bisexual in the industry made by a female celebrity occur in succession with the connection with a guy, that night there was the PR proposal between Typo Dolour Signal and Lauren that he obviously accepted, and in fact, he was there that night at that party too (Picture of C with a tear mark on her cheek).

Now, the icing on the cake of the Laucy’s PR: Nicole Cartolano. Nicole is a friend of Lecy’s with whom she had already worked together and who also posted pictures of Lauren on November 17 and 22, 2016, one on December 31, 2016, together with Marian Hill taken backstage after Lauren’s performance with them on the 30th, the night before, for the Snow Globe Festival in South Lake Tahoe, California, and the one of Laucy (with the piñata) on January 10, taken the same night to celebrate Lucilia’s birthday at midnight and that Lauren also used to post it for wish her a happy birthday. That was the last public interaction between the two. *Slow entry of Tympans Dollhouse Signalized in the picture from January 4, 2017, thanks to that tweet*.

On January 21, 2017, Lauren and Lucy were at the same Women’s March, but separately (single), and we haven’t seen them together anymore. LuBYE. On March 22, 2017, both ‘Bare With Me’ and the interview article Nicole did with MTV News (she confirmed that Laucy had been together by having an on-again, off-again for years and also said a lot of other bullshit like the fact that the girls were nervous because they didn’t know how their parents would’ve responded) came out. On August 13, 2018, Nicole officially apologized to Lucy for being angry with her for posting the pictures and therefore for having outed her and for having taken part in the MTV interview without their permission. There was also the screenplay made by Nicole’s mom to make everything even more true.

Bullshit on bullshit on bullshit. Number 1, Lauren herself confirmed in this podcast that her parents knew about her, and said how much she loved Lucre’s ‘I’m out and proud’ part.

Number 2, Nicole posted a preview of the pictures on March 18, 2017, so if she really wanted to stop her before the publication on the 22nd, she would’ve had time to do so.

Number 3, Lucita came out publicly on her own with that Spanish post on Instagram on November 20, 2016, saying in summary that she was anything but straight because she didn’t want to label herself (she did it years later by saying she was a lesbian).

Number 4, as Lusia also confirmed in that post where Nicole’s mom left that comment, Nicole signed a non-disclosure agreement form. If she had actually violated it without having had a release and written consent form, she would’ve been sued.

Number 5, if Luciferase really wanted to have that conversation in private with Nicole’s mom, she might very well have done so. She could’ve contacted her and answered her IN PRIVATE for real, and not via IG where EVERYONE saw and took the side of poor, poor Luckless.

Number 6, the biggest proof that shows the hypocrisy of all this, Lucasta continued to work with Nicole. Their last work dates back to November 25, 2019.

Okaay, sure… sure, because it was normal for her to continue working with the person who outed her, wasn’t it? People’s lies never cease to amaze me. For that matter, Nicole also posted a picture of their ‘adventure’ as they made their way to the photoshoot location on November 1, 2017, and continued to wish them both a happy birthday with posts every year.

And lastly, on June 6, 2020, we have the Lucerne’s video leaked (+ old pictures and videos of 5H) where she burned pictures of Lauren and of the two of them together in 2017, accompanied by the tweets occurred two days later, in which she explained that she was hacked and that she burned the pictures for a closure. Then, exactly 20 days later, that is on June 26, 2020, the PAPER Magazine article of Lauren’s interview came out. What a coincidence! In that article, Lauren explained, along with other things, that she’d been in love with her best friend for 7 years.

Lauren, honey, the maths, the maths… If according to your words you fell in love with her at 15, got together with her at 18, and broken up at 20, how can these be 7 years? It’s 5 years… And as if it wasn’t enough, still according to your words, after 1 year and 8 months (from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017), 2 months of which public because of the wedding pictures, of the relationship you wanted at all costs, “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship”, you broke up with her because she was really toxic, and after less than a month, you started dating an even more toxic person without the proper time to heal?? How do you expect me to believe you? And I’m putting aside the fact that I know they’re both PR relationships. I’m speaking out of logic. How? How can I believe you? How does this make any sense?

Personally, yes, I believe Lauren and Lucy have a past. Lauren’s first kiss was when she was 13 (8th grade) with her boyfriend at the time, Dominic, but I think Lucy was her first kiss with a girl. And I think it happened when she was 15, but in 2011, so long before Lucy left. Lauren dated Paul Martinez from June 4, 2011, to the end of July (around 23/24). From after Paul, until her very first PR at X-Factor, Keaton Stromberg, she was single. I truly believe that before she met Camila, Lauren and Lucy did everything Lauren said. I really believe Lauren experimented with her in secret, but I don’t believe in anything else she said at all.

This is my opinion. And in my opinion, Lauren always knew she was queer, and Lucy was the first with whom she could experience the attraction and the feelings towards girls she had always felt and concealed deep inside herself. But they were friends. Just friends. Friends who messed around and experimented together in secret given the environment that surrounded them. Lucy then returned to live in Puerto Rico and they simply drifted apart because of the distance and Lauren’s busy schedule with 5H. When she came back into Lauren’s life, they rekindled their friendship. Just that. Also because, Camila, hello? Camila entered Lauren’s heart the same year Lucy left and never get out of it. Not to mention that Lucy had a girlfriend, Sarah Scott Narcise, before getting together with Nicole Marie Rendón in March 2017. I honestly think that Lucy was also giving advice to Lauren about her relationship with Camila, and I also think that now they really aren’t friends anymore for something we don’t know about, even though I have my theories… But anyway. Lauren needed a beard to be able to come out, Lucy needed visibility for her modeling career and, at the time, also for her music which, however, never saw the light of day. The labels approved because they would’ve done anything to keep their chosen one out of the gay light. Camila also approved. Boom, PR.

I don’t believe all the other bullshit she said during the podcast. Because if they’d been true, they would’ve made logical sense. A sense they’ve been trying, and failing, to give for years. If Lauren really didn’t want to come out, she wouldn’t have done a photoshoot with Lucy a week before the wedding with the intention of using that same photoshoot to come out. She would not have kissed Lucy in a public place during the wedding pictures in front of a professional photographer hired for the event, knowing full well that those pictures would eventually have been published by the bride and groom, her aunt and uncle, and the photographer himself. If she wanted so badly a picture of her kissing her girlfriend, drunk or not, she would’ve taken her fucking phone and take selfies. It wasn’t the fans’ or Perez’s fault. It was the management that was following the plan.

And I’m supposed to, what exactly? Forget all these things, things that have been proofed multiple times in the past, because Lauren, or Camila, or management, or labels, or their contracts, must continue with their stupid narrative? Because Camila must continue to look straight and continue to look in love with Shalt Menstruated because the señorito is about to release his documentary and his album? Because Camila’s movie is about to come out? Because Lauren’s own album is about to be released and because the subject matter of her female-pronounced songs must only and exclusively be related to Lucy? (Although I think her album will be out next year. I think a song with female pronunciation is coming out soon. And no, I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s Burning)

Guys, come on…

Think about it. She used Lucy as a shield to tell part of her story with Camila that happened in 2014. It all fits. Even the story told through songs from Camila’s cocky POV, including ‘Like Friends Do’, ‘Eyes on You’, ‘Cleopatra’, ‘Leave for Good’, and a couple from her last album like ���Should’ve Said It’ and ‘Feel It Twice’.

I understand why many of you have been hurt by this podcast and by Lauren herself. I understand why a lot of you are angry about the things she said. I see you, I understand, I really do. And everyone is free to feel whatever they want, I’m not saying otherwise. But I really don’t understand why you’re hiding or why you’re abandoning the ship. Authors who don’t wanna write anymore. Accounts closed. Names changed. Hope lost. This, all this, makes me angry and hurt. Because you fell for it. And you know why you fell for it? Because Lauren changed her approach. Leaving aside the part just before when she said: “Even when I talk about it, and I don’t talk about it because I’ve learned to just ignore it because-” and there, I swear I had to pause because I burst out laughing, and I was like: “Bitch, you’re the one who pulled this out of your ass out of nowhere right this second, what are you saying?”. She went on by saying, and she knows us so well because of this: “I just chose to ignore it at a certain point because getting angry to them would it mean that it was real and validate it more for them”.

And it’s true. This non-angry approach of hers, worked like a charm. Lauren’s older, she’s more mature than before. Although she was very nervous, she managed to explain everything calmly. The fact that she was emotional and almost cried in many parts, it really gave an extra boost to what she tried to sell. And I’m not saying she faked almost crying. Hell, no. That was super true and hard for her. I’m saying though, that it’s really easy to manipulate people’s minds, and Lauren used her real pain, the real suffering she has gone through over the years to tell this charade. That’s why it seemed so real. And I’m supposed to fall for that shit just because that’s what they’ve wanted for years, right? Convenient much?

Guys, please. You’re smarter than that, use those beautiful brains. For example, the fact that Lauren said: “I was queer, but she was not”, wrong as you want it to be, and “Camila and I were just really good friends at that time”, yeah, sure, Jan. Doesn’t the very fact that she used the past tense make you realize that it was done to completely detach herself from her IN THE PRESENT? Everything she said was for something. Everything had a purpose. And the goal is always the same. Make us stop shipping ‘em. Putting a label on C only served the Shoestoremila purpose, nothing else. And those were words that came out of the mouth of the one who says she doesn’t like labeling people. The same one who was pissed that someone had outed her before she wanted to. Do you really think she’s that hypocritical?

The fact that she put all the CS in the same box, especially when she talked about the Daddy situation, WAS DONE ON PURPOSE. She couldn’t fail to generalize because their purpose is, and will be for a long time to come, to kill Camren. That means the whole fandom. Not just invasive elements. But really all the CS. The purpose was to make us feel guilty. The purpose is to make us accept that it was never real, and since we care about them, to make us continue to support them individually and not as a couple, even though she knows that the real CS do it regardless. This, is called manipulation, guys.

Think about everything else too. The inconsistency. The holes in her story. The lack of explanations. And the fact that during the story of how it all happened, she jumped from one theme to another and therefore managed to deflect and not completely finish one before moving on to the other, doesn’t it make you understand that she didn’t want to give too many details? And when does that usually happen? She knew we’d analyze her. She knew she couldn’t say too much. When she talked about Lucy, she knew that WE know she was talking about Camila, and with too many details, it would also have been obvious to the others because WE would’ve pointed it out to everyone. I mean, it’s obvious enough in itself, imagine if she’d fed us more information that we would’ve compared in the timeline.

Please, guys. I know that it feels like something’s changed, but it’s not. It’s really not. I’m appealing to all of you. Open your eyes. Reason. I know many of you still have conflicting emotions and feelings, and that’s okay. If you’re still upset, if you still wanna cry, then cry. Do whatever helps you feel better because, especially after the haters have come to bite your asses, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. But please, please, don’t give up. If you give up, you just play their game. You just do them a favor. You guys had invested so much of your time, so much of your passion, so much of yourselves to just, give up. Think of all we’ve been through, especially those who’ve been in the fandom for years. Think about how happy Camren makes you. They were there for you when you needed them. When you were going through hard times. I know they’ve helped a lotta people.

And think about this too. Lauren herself said at the beginning of the podcast: “The news and the media are constantly spinning narratives for your clicks so they can make money”. And what do you think this podcast was for? It’s always the same shit. Have you not noticed how the very same news and media have ALL talked about them? Didn’t you notice how My Oh My magically returned into the charts? How 50ft surpassed the 9 million streams on Spotify? And you still have doubts?

This is instead for the CS who get often angry about their actions. I personally think it’s pointless to blame Lauren and Camila for every single thing they do that has been PLANNED for them. Especially Camila as far as Shonas is concerned. There’s a pattern here too. Lauren had her light PR with Lucia. Lauren then had her heavy PR with Typic Dole Sight while Camila had a light one with Eatchu. And now Camila’s having a heavy one. C’s one is heavier simply because they’re much more famous than PRen (Tyren) were. So, guys, be patient. There’s really no point in getting angry and blaming them. It’s a waste of energy. It’s useless to blame them if they’re gonna continue to do so over the years to come. They’re just still trying to get past their original contracts and survive in the industry at the same time. Sooner or later, I HOPE, they will be free to tell the truth or the truth will come out on its own.

Well, I’m done. Jeez, that was long, wasn’t it? But I hope it was worth it. I hope I’ve cleared your heads a little bit and instilled some hope again. I also hope I made you smile with all those nicknames and my sarcasm. I especially hope that wherever you are, you’re having a good day, and if not, then I hope it has improved at least a little bit with this post. And thank you so much, Stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice for the first time publicly/virtually. You, above all, keep on being one of the lights and NEVER let them turn you off. I love you guys. Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay patient. With love, F.

I leave you with these two pearls:

Number 1. Lauren said something else too. She said: “Don’t trust me. Go research. Go look this shit up yourself”. I know she said it for a completely different context, but I found it really funny given the situation.

Number 2. This is a small scene that automatically created itself in my head as soon as I finished listening to Wonder. I titled it: The sad and short story of the making of ‘Wonder’.

Enjoy:

*on the phone*

Shawl Mendicant: “Hey, buddy. I know you were a huge Fifth Harmony fan and I know you love my fake girlfriend, so I was thinking… could you help me? You know, I need her to stay relevant, but to do that, I also need to release music and completely take all the credit from other people because, you know, the most I do is change a sentence or two in my style to make people think that I wrote all my songs.”

Sam Smith: “………okay?”

Shawnita Menorrhagia: “So, I was wondering, can I copy your homework? You can totally refuse if you want to, but I’m hoping to appeal to the love you have for 5H and Camila, and maybe help a friend out?”

Sam Smith: “Yeah, sure, you can copy my homework. Anything for my girls. Just, change it up a bit so it doesn’t sound too obvious you just copied it.”

Shonas Mended: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Thanks, man.” - *ends the call*

Sam Smith looking at the phone with an incredulous expression and one hand over his heart: “I came out as a non-binary, you insensitive asshole!”

Shoes Mentionable from the other room: “Cameeela! He said yes!” *reaching then Camila and Lauren in the living room where Lauren is lying with her head resting on Camila’s legs who’s running her fingers through her hair with one hand and holding the book that she’s reading with the other one* “You were right, all I had to do was mention you girls.”

Lauren chuckling and continuing to pet Cleo who’s lying at the foot of the couch with one hand: “Told you”, to then adding: “And please, I know you’re excited because of the news but keep your voice down”, continuing to caress Sofi’s head who’s sleeping on top of her with the other one.

Shapeless Mentality: “Oh, sorry.”

Camila without looking away from her book: “Sam’s really nice. I’m sure they would’ve said yes even without the need of mentioning us.”

Lauren: “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that, babe. Yes, they’re very nice, but we’re powerful in their minds, so it was an added incentive for them to say yes.”

Shaved Mentholated: “Who are they? Weren’t we talking about Sam?”

Camila who was giggling at her girlfriend’s words:

Lauren:

Sinu from the kitchen:

Cleo who was nibbling her toy:

Even Thunder, Leo, and Eugene from outside into the yard:

*the end*

Chon Mendable: ‘Wonder’ - Sam Smith: ‘One Last Song’

____

OMG I am speechless. I’m really still digesting this whole story because it’s amazing but I wanted to start by saying hello to you and telling you my name, my name is Marite. It is a pleasure to meet you dear friend. I don’t want to write too much because your words are much more important than mine but I wanted to thank you for trusting me and my blog to tell me your story. That side of the story that, being new and not having been a harmonizer from the beginning, I never learned. I intended to ask for more information about Laucy’s Timeline but what you have told is a gem. A gem that shows that the bastards of the industry cannot fool the fans because we pay attention to everything and it is not easy for us to fall for their shit. I think the power we fans have is so great that if we all came together, we could bring down this whole fucking fake empire that they have created. That said, Laucy’s story is surprising. As planned and how each person involved had to do their part on the chessboard. Incredible. Now that you tell me that story, I think it fits the one I wrote in my once upon a time post. Sure, yours is true and has everything that mine doesn’t. I have tried to keep this blog open for all who wish to come and air their ideas, their thoughts, their tea. And you dear friend, you have been one of the best so far. You’ve given us that support that the fandom so badly needed and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your humor, the nicknames have been so hilarious and I’m still laughing. Thank you for daring to tell this part of the story and reopen the can of worms of a PR that right now resurfaces with that Lauren interview. With a purpose, it’s true. And something tells me that we will see much more very soon. Thank you for your support, my friend. And you know, you have my blog at your disposal for whatever you need. And if you need to talk or anything else. I greatly appreciate that we can continue to keep this ship afloat among ourselves. Among a group of intelligent people who have been hurt by someone we have always loved very much even though we know the reason for all that. We can’t give up now because if we do it like you say they will win and I personally don’t plan to indulge them in that. Thank you very much for all dear friend and I hope you have a nice day. I send you a hug and I hope you stay safe.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[artificialqueens]

Fool for You (Crygi) - Frankenvenus

After realising she has fallen for her straight best friend, Crystal’s therapist recommends she write her crush love letters. So instead of communicating her feelings, she scribbles then down and slips them into Gigi Goode’s locker.

A/N~ I hope you like this cause it took forever. I finished it super late at night and I did read through it twice but I apologise for any errors.

Crystal stormed her way into her therapist’s office, throwing herself onto the pink sofa that she sat and rambled on for an hour and a half every week. Her therapist looked at her bemused as the blue-haired girl uttered the words, “I’m in love with my best friend.”

Her therapist, Widow, huffed out a sigh, placing her clipboard down on the coffee table in front and pushing her glasses slightly down her nose, “Well. That’s a common issue for young queer folks like yourself.”

Crystal groaned and rolled over, displaying her puffy eyes and messed up bangs, “But I thought I was immune to it.”

Widow chuckled slightly and leaned towards where Crystal lay, brushing her hair from where it stuck itself in her lip gloss, “Do you need to rant to me about it? You know that’s why I’m here, sweetie; to listen.”

The young girl groaned again before sitting up, straightening her back and recounting the events of her day.

It had started off a normal Thursday. On Thursdays, she would usually peddle to her best friend Gigi’s house before school began so they could scribble down fake absence notes for phys ed, then Gigi would hop on the back of Crystal’s bike and they’d cycle the last half mile to their high school. It was routine for them. Never weird, never crossing any lines. It had always been the two of them, best friends, since middle school. So when things shifted, it took Crystal by surprise.

“I wanna do something different today instead of just sitting in the library until Phys Ed ends. I’m sick of the librarian shutting us up. We literally aren’t even loud,” - Gigi had said, fixing her dirty blonde ponytail in the school bathroom mirror after the bike ride messed it up.

Crystal had agreed with her, before asking her if she wanted to try something new. Although Gigi was her best friend, she hung out with the stoners whilst Gigi hung out with the high-fashion Instagram girls. The dirty blonde had never tried weed, and Crystal never offered - but today she did, and Gigi was eager.

The two of them snuck to the abandoned bike shed at the back of the school, covered in ivy with smashed windows. It was a spot that only Crystal and her friends Daya, Daegen, Lux and Tiff knew, so Gigi was curious to see it.

“This is so cool,” Gigi had gaped, finding a spot in the corner while her friend rolled her a joint. Crystal had to assure her multiple times that they wouldn’t get caught, but Gigi didn’t shut up until the sizzling rice paper was placed in her mouth. The older girl talked her through how to inhale it properly, and soon enough Gigi was coughing the smoke into the air.

“Can you feel it in your chest?” Crystal had asked, and when Gigi nodded, she said, “Good. That’s how you know it worked.”

They sat there, minds foggy, trying to hold conversation despite their thought process and immediate short term memory being cut off every few seconds. At some point, their pinkies intertwined, followed by the rest of their fingers. And then, Gigi was nestling her forehead into the crook of Crystal’s neck. That’s when it all tumbled down on the latter.

The contrasting feeling of the coldness from Gigi’s skin against her own warm, buzzing skin sent jolts of emotion through her, and the gentle brush of Gigi’s wavy locks against her jaw caused her heart to squeeze itself in a way that was unfamiliar to her. It didn’t seem too serious to Crystal whilst she was still in her high, but when the effects of the weed began to fade by fifth period, the sudden feeling of need for her best friend’s touch remained in place.

Her mind kept travelling elsewhere during fifth and sixth period, which happened to be double Spanish. Jaida had to pinch her multiple times, bringing her back down to Earth. Jaida didn’t question Crystal’s behaviour too much though, because the latter wasn’t usually focused in Spanish class anyway, and that’s why she was failing.

Gigi had debate team practice after school on Thursdays, so instead of going home together the same way they would travel to school, Crystal biked alone. She had her earplugs in, blasting Clairo like usual and wondering what the hell it was that she felt today. It wasn’t until ‘Sofia’ by Clairo came on did everything click in her mind. Something about the lyrics ‘Standing here alone now, think that we can drive around, I just wanna say how I love you with your hair down’ made her realise that oh, she wanted to be able to call Gigi her own, and not just platonically. Then she almost crashed her bike.

She swerved into a fire hydrant, gratified that her bike sported thick mountain bike wheels to soften the hit. Luckily, she didn’t fall off - she just got a fright. She decided to walk her bike the rest of the way home, which thankfully wasn’t far.

When she reached home, she spread herself across her bed and allowed herself to make connections that she should’ve made before. Why else could she never take her eyes off Gigi’s plump lips? Why else did people at school assume they were a couple because they were so touchy all the time? Why else did she feel such tremendous jealousy whenever Gigi showed even the tiniest bit of romantic fondness towards someone that wasn’t her.

Her mom knocked on her door, reminding her that she had her therapy appointment in an hour, and that led back to the present.

“That seems like quite the epiphany,” Widow smiled warmly, passing Crystal a tissue box when tears began to spill over, “Normally falling for a long-term best friend is something that you realise over time, but not for you apparently.”

“I think maybe I’m just an oblivious fuck,” Crystal sniffled. “But even if I realised it today, years ago, or tens of years from now, she still wouldn’t like me back.”

“Well, I’m not your friend’s therapist, but we can’t be so quick to assume.”

“Once you see the girl, you’ll know. She’s a hardcore ten. I’m a five, at best.”

“Crystal, remember what we went over…” Widow began, and the blue-haired girl finished the sentence.

“…Instead of self-deprecation, tell yourself you’re the best person ever, no matter whether you believe it or not - yeah, I get it,” Crystal rolled her eyes, “It’s just hard when you know it’s not true.”

“Well, I have a little tip I give my clients when they’re in a similar situation to you. The whole unrequited love thing,” the older woman got up from her seat and walked towards a cabinet, pulling out a packet of fresh, plain envelopes, “I usually tell them to write their crush love notes. It’s up to them whether they send them or not, or whether it’s anonymous or not, but they can be very therapeutic when needing to express bottled up emotion. Do you see where I’m coming from?”

Crystal raised a brow and tilted her head to the side slightly, the hint of a smile on her lips. She actually didn’t mind the idea.

“That’s actually super cute,” she giggled, taking the stack of envelopes from her therapist, “Thank you.”

.

As soon as Crystal got home, she sprinted to her room and grabbed an old notebook from the back of her stationery drawer. It was a plain A5 paper notebook, but spread across each page was a ginormous red opaque One Direction logo. Crystal had got it for Christmas about a decade ago, but it had only been used a handful of times for random sketches and one draft of a Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles fanfiction.

She grabbed an ink fine-liner from her art pot which she would normally use for her pointillism artwork and began the first letter.

You don’t know who I am. Well, you do but like, not who is writing this. I hope you aren’t scared or anything - cause that’s the last thing I wanna do. I promise I’m not a freak. Well, I sorta look like one but, I know you aren’t one to be bothered by that kind of thing. It’s beautiful, you know. The way people look at you and assume you’ll hate them for who they are cause you’re so pretty and popular, but then you’re just as wonderful on the outside as you are within. That look on your face when you meet a new person drives me nuts. The way you look like you’ve swallowed the sun. Radiant. Always.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you how I feel about you to your face, but I think you might faint out of disgust. You do that a lot. I sound like a stalker, but I promise I’m not. I think I’m just smitten.

She finished the letter, reading it over to make sure her handwriting looked unrecognisable. Although Gigi wasn’t the most observant person, she and Crystal were so familiar with each other that she was bound to notice her unique handwriting. She also made sure to spray it with an old perfume that she never wore, so Gigi wouldn’t connect their scents. Gigi always made comments about how she loved Crystal’s perfume, so the blue-haired girl had to take precautions. Her strong scent of cocoa and vanilla was bound to rub off on the paper, so she sprayed it with a men’s cologne that she had likely shoplifted years prior, spraying it onto the paper from a distance.

Although Widow had given her the option not to post the letters, Crystal felt like the weight of her crush wouldn’t be eased unless she actually posted it. So, she placed it into the envelope and slipped it into Gigi’s locker the next day at school when the blonde wasn’t around, her heart pounding in her ears with anticipation and verve.

She sat through her first class of the day, social studies with Daya, desperately trying to take her mind off the painful wait. Daya ranted to her about dinosaurs and how everyone’s perception of how they looked was wrong, but Crystal hardly paid attention. She would nod every so often, just so Daya wasn’t insulted, but she wasn’t really in the conversation.

After social studies, she shared a free period with Gigi. She made her way to their meeting spot in the library after the bell dismissed them from their first period, and sooner than she would’ve liked, Gigi was marching across the library towards her with the smuggest grin on her face.

“Oh my God Crystal Elizabeth you will never guess what I just found in my locker,” she squealed as quietly as possible, sliding into the seat opposite Crystal’s.

“What?” Crystal raised a brow, her mouth full of skittles. Now here was the hardest part - pretending to be shocked.

Gigi reached into her blazer pocket and pushed the familiar envelope towards the older girl, who plastered a confused look on her face. The dirty blonde gestured for her to open it, so she complied. She pulled out the letter that was already likely covered in her own fingerprints and unfolded it with a faux-expression of excitement.

“What the fuck is this?” she chuckled, trying to suppress the shake in her fingers as she held the letter.

“A letter. From a secret admirer,” Gigi beamed, placing her beautiful shaped chin into her palm and flashing her angelic white teeth. Wow, Crystal was more whipped than she thought.

“This is so dumb,” she lied blatantly, and to her surprise, Gigi frowned.

“You think so? I think it’s so sweet. And shit… whoever wrote it has a way with words,” she exhaled, tugging her plump, peachy lower lip between her teeth.

Crystal’s breathing hitched and she felt her skin redden. She assumed Gigi would find it painfully corny, but it seemed like she felt the opposite. The blonde promptly took the letter back from Crystal’s grasp, taking a look at it once more. The older girl wished she was imagining the blush that began to cover Gigi’s face, but it was definitely there.

“I hope they write again. I wanna play Nancy Drew,” Gigi smiled sheepishly, taking Crystal’s hand suddenly, “Will you help me, you know, try and crack the code?”

“Sure!”

Fuck. Crystal felt like Hannah Montana.

.

They spent Saturday together, drinking on Crystal’s roof and gossiping about their own respective friend groups, however, the conversation kept moving back towards the letter. Gigi was conflicted on whether or not she knew the person, but her repetitive use of he and him pronouns when she referred to the secret admirer caused Crystal’s blood to simmer.

When Gigi left the next morning after spending the night on Crystal’s couch, the blue-haired girl was quick to begin her second letter.

I hope these letters haven’t made you uncomfortable in any way. The look on your face when you read it tells me they haven’t though. What I want to tell you though, is that I’m not what you think. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not a boy. I’m a girl. I don’t know if you like girls. If not; I’m sorry, but if you do; so do I. I like you a lot. All I want is to make you smile.

She spent Sunday at the skatepark, smoking with Daya, Daegen, Lux and Tiff, before slipping the note into Gigi’s locker first thing on Monday morning. The two of them, as well as Gigi’s friends Nicky and Jaida, all shared music class first period of Mondays. Whilst Crystal was pulling her viola out of its case, Gigi suddenly began dangling the envelope in front of her nose.

“Another one!” Gigi grinned, her voice cracking with adorable excitement. She took a seat beside Crystal and opened it. “I haven’t read it yet.”

Crystal watched her friend’s face with anticipation whilst she read the letter aloud, quiet enough that surrounding people wouldn’t hear. Gigi’s eyes widened as she read it over, and her grin faltered into an unreadable expression.

“What does it say?” Crystal questioned nervously.

“The person who wrote it isn’t a guy,” Gigi sighed, scratching the top of her head, “It’s a girl.”

The tanned girl pursed her lips, not knowing what to say next.

“Wow, uh. So… what do you think about that then?” she queried stupidly.

“About what?”

“You know… a girl liking you…”

The blonde crossed her legs and looked away from Crystal, “A pair of tits isn’t gonna stop me from loving this girls way of words. The anonymity is sexy. I should’ve known a man wouldn’t have the mental capacity to do something so romantic.”

This could not be real. Crystal felt like she was lucid dreaming.

“So you like… girls?” she pressed.

Gigi turned to her with a glint in her eye, “No gender or sex will stop me from wanting to kiss someone pretty.”

Oh.

“What? Are you homophobic or something?” Gigi added, and Crystal simply laughed.

”As if! Have you seen me? I think I should get ‘flaming lesbo’ tattooed on my cheek. I just didn’t know about you…” Crystal rushed out before she could even think about it. Never did she think she would come out in that way. In her mind, for most of her life, she had anticipated coming out in a very deep, emotional way - likely crying on Gigi’s bed. This was nothing of the sort.

“You’re a lesbian? Wow. I should’ve known,” the blonde simpered, and Crystal shoved her shoulder playfully.

.

When my therapist recommended I write these, I thought it would help me get over you, but fuck I think I’m falling harder for you. That floral outfit you wore yesterday was so cute. When you walked into class, it lit the whole room up. You truly are God’s favourite, huh? Just kidding I don’t believe in God, but whoever sculpted you took their time.

“Crystal look at this one! This is the most poetic piece of artwork I have ever read,” Gigi gaped, rushing towards Crystal after the latter had waited outside her human biology class for her.

The older girl took the letter and read through it, biting hard on her lower lip whilst Gigi watched with a smile, “It’s cute,” she said.

“It isn’t just cute! It’s… beguiling!”

“Do you even know what that means?”

The blonde groaned as they began to walk through the hallways together.

“I think you’re jealous because no one is writing you captivatingly beautiful love letters.”

Crystal shrugged and continued walking, eventually bumping into Daegen and going for a much-needed smoke. The blue-haired girl didn’t want to come off as cold to her best friend, but she feared that if she said too much, Gigi would make the connection. She smoked in silence, allowing Daegen to rant about her weekly argument with Daya that would likely be resolved by Friday. Occasionally she would nod, but she kept quiet.

It was surprising to Crystal that Gigi appreciated the letters so much. She thought the blonde would find them creepy and stalker-like, and perhaps fear for her own safety, but the opposite reaction was apparent. So now Crystal didn’t know what to do. Gigi was falling for her words, but she didn’t know it was her.

Apparently Daegen had been saying something because suddenly the girl was snapping her pink acrylic covered fingers in front of her eyes.

“Are you listening to me, Crys? I asked what you were planning on doing for Halloween this Friday?”

Oh. Crystal had almost forgotten that she had been working on her Corpse-bride inspired Halloween costume since July, putting her entire soul into the concept and causing her fingers to bleed with the many late nights of sewing layers of tulle. Everything with Gigi must have been really getting in her head - so much so that she forgot about the object of her whole summer.

She was too old for trick or treating now, unfortunately, but she had been planning to have a small get-together (edging on a party) with her remote friend group as well as others. Gigi had promised to attend, after spending the last two Halloweens with the popular kids getting shitfaced at college parties.

“Don’t you remember? I’m throwing a party. My dad is out of town for work and my mom is spending time with our grandma. The house will be empty,” Crystal grinned, puffing a cloud of smoke into the air.

“Crystal Lucia Elizabeth throwing a party? Who would’ve thought,” Daegen smirked, “Is Geege coming?”

“Yup,” Crystal said, her smile faltering slightly as she popped the ‘p.’ Daegen didn’t press on, so soon they were both putting their cigarettes out and heading to their next class.

Word of Crystal’s Halloween party spread like a virus, and the prominent conversation around the school was what everyone was wearing. Thankfully for Crystal, most of her friends were art kids, so instead of wearing a slutty (insert random occupation) costume, they’d all be wearing actual thought-out looks.

At lunchtime, Crystal and Gigi sat under the bleachers together, sipping Yakults and talking about their days. The blue-haired girl asked Gigi what she’d be wearing to her Halloween party, but the blonde wouldn’t tell her.

“It’s a surprise.” her eyes were glinting smugly. Gigi was a seamstress, and everyone knew it. She would create intricately designed, beautiful outfits and sell them to big names on Instagram. Crystal often wondered why she hadn’t just dropped out of school, considering it seemed like she had a strong career set in stone.

But oh boy, Crystal knew whatever it was that Gigi was planning to wear would sweep her off her feet. Figuratively and literally - she was quite clumsy.

.

I can’t wait to see you at the Halloween party tomorrow. I know you’re going to look ethereal. You always do. It’s so hard to look at you without kissing you. I don’t know why I would ever think you would kiss me considering I’m not even half as pretty as you, but I will continue to manifest it as long as you’re in my life. I think I love you.

“She said she loved me in yesterday’s letter,” Gigi shouted through the wind, holding onto Crystal’s waist tight as the latter peddled through the neighbourhood.

“Do you love her?” Crystal replied, thankful that her friend was unable to see her expression at that moment. She couldn’t think straight with Gigi holding her in that way.

“I mean. I guess I have to talk to her face to face. For all I know she can’t speak for shit in real life. She said she’s going to your party tonight. Maybe all will be revealed…”

Crystal breathily laughed out a response as she turned into the school gate. She knew she wasn’t ready to come clean yet. Gigi would simply have to wait another day.

The day passed in a blur. The girls skipped Phys Ed as per usual, but instead returned to the library again for extra revision instead of going back to the bike sheds to get high like last time.

Friday night took a painfully long time to come, but when it did, Crystal could hardly breathe the entire day. She managed to flirt her way out of sixth-period history so she was able to speedily bike her way home to make a start on her eccentric Halloween makeup. People were set to begin arriving at 9 pm, and there wasn’t much preparation to be done aside from throwing a couple of fake cobwebs around the place and placing stacks of red solo cups on the kitchen counter. Her makeup would take at least an hour and a half, so as soon as she got home she took a five-minute shower before beginning the look.

She painted her entire body a silvery grey before carving out strong cheekbones with black paint, giving her an undead appearance. She shaped her brows in a way that would make her look constantly mournful. She slipped her dress on, threw on four different silver necklaces, pulled her voluminous black wig over her head, and clipped the vail to it carefully. After admiring her masterpiece through her phone camera for a few minutes, the doorbell rang. It was Lux and Tiff, who had texted to say they were arriving early.

“Oh my God,” Crystal squealed as she opened the door, revealing the two girls. Both of them were dressed in beige prison outfits, and it quickly clicked to her that they were supposed to be Alex and Piper from Orange Is the New Black. “Lesbians, I assume,” she grinned, but the two girls in front of her were too busy gaping at her own outfit.

“Wow. You are Tim Burton’s wet dream,” Tiff said, pushing past Crystal and entering her home.

“No, I’m not. I’m not white, remember,” Crystal joked.

Lux had brought her large overpriced speaker to blast music. She heaved it into the living room and plugged it in, immediately starting to blast Stupid Love cause she was that girl.

Luckily for Crystal, her neighbourhood adored her. Her street was predominantly old women, but instead of constantly yelling at Crystal for dressing slutty, partying and smoking weed on her roof, they would simply envy her recklessness.

After an hour of pre-shots, people began to arrive. Most people brought their own alcohol, but it was clear that many of them were already drunk before they even arrived. Crystal remained in the foyer, leaning against the wall, singing along to Lux’s music and answering the doorbell whenever it rang. Every time the ringing echoed across the house, she’d subconsciously pray Gigi was on the other side, but for the first two hours, it never was.

Nicky, Jaida and Gigi all arrived at once, and Crystal felt herself get cotton mouth for a second when she looked over them all. Nicky was dressed in a basic white gown with her blonde hair down, however, she was absolutely drenched in fake blood and she wore a small prom queen tiara and sash. It was obviously a Carrie cosplay, and Crystal adored it. Jaida had her entire body painted green and wore a black catsuit over it, cosplaying as Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Crystal complimented their costumes first, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Gigi. Her Halloween costume wasn’t as bold as they had been in the previous years, but there was something about it that took Crystal’s breath away. The blonde had her hair down and curled in smooth waves and she was wearing a loose white dress with a victorian-Esque corset pulling her waist in impossibly tight. She had dripped wax below her eyes, giving a crying illusion, and her makeup was a shimmery purple, making her look angelic. Yes - that was her costume - an angel. Strapped across her back was the largest pair of faux feather angel wings Crystal had ever seen. They were reminiscent of the ones a Victoria’s Secret models would wear, and they shimmered under the moonlight.

“Holy fuck…” Crystal blurted, before squeaking slightly.

“I know right? They’re so fucking heavy,” Gigi giggled before hopping in and air-kissing Crystal on each cheek, “You look so good, girl.”

“Thanks,” Crystal smiled, deciding that she would no longer be taking doorbell duty. She wanted to enjoy herself, so she walked through to the kitchen where Daya was doing body shots with some guy she had never seen before and promptly decided to join her.

Every so often, she would catch Gigi dancing and knocking things over with her wings. She didn’t mind if Gigi ended up shattering a vase. She would glue up every fragment of china for her.

After her second shot, Crystal made her way to the living room with Daegen to observe people’s dancing, and that’s when she saw them.

There was this guy from Gigi’s geography class that she never shut up about. His name was Toby, and he was one of those ‘hipster boys.’ He was a self-proclaimed feminist but probably cried about rejections from women on the internet. Every time Crystal saw his lanky frame enter a room, she felt sick and fantasized about decking him. There was something about him that was just so irritating to her, and every time he stuck his tongue out at her friend or wiggled his eyebrows like a fucking loser, Crystal wanted to cave in on herself.

And there he was, in her home, dancing with her best friend to ‘If You’re Too Shy’ by The 1975, grinding against her cause her angel wings were too large for the roles to be reversed. Gigi was biting her lip and grinning wide - evidently drunk - and she flipped her hair and bounced to the upbeat synth. Nicky was cheering her on from the couch, and Crystal wished she could just shut the party down. So much for Gigi falling in love with her words? Now she was grinding over some flimsy incel that looked like he would have to be pegged by a woman in bed.

It only got worse from there. The blonde caught Crystal’s eye and she walked up to her slowly, her hand still intertwined with Toby’s. Her words were so slurred that the older girl almost didn’t catch them, but she heard Gigi say: “Hey Toby was wondering if your bedroom was free? All the other ones are occupied but I’m desperateeee.”

Crystal had to hold back the mouthful of vomit threatening to spill from her lips. Gigi was so incredibly drunk, and it seemed like Toby was sober, so the entire endeavour didn’t sit right with her at all. She mentally cursed herself for being so generous, because before she could even register what she was doing, she was pulling a small key out of her bra and Gigi and Toby were rushing their way upstairs.

“Fuck, Crys. Have some respect for yourself,” she mumbled when she was out of earshot from her friend. Decidedly, she made her way to the garden where she knew Daegen was smoking with Tiff. She had to ease her mind.

.

“Fuck, Goode, you’re so hot,” Toby grunted, carelessly pulling Gigi’s wings off her arms. Gigi’s mind was hazy and she couldn’t think or speak properly, so she wasn’t able to tell the boy that the wings were handmade and extremely fragile.

“Thanks,” she slurred as he began to undress her, “Wait.”

“What?”

“Let me try and find a condom.”

She hopped off Crystal’s bed and somehow managed to find her way to her friend’s chest of drawers. She found panties and tampons among many other things, but she couldn’t find a condom. She reached the final drawer and frantically poked around for one. Then she grabbed something, and suddenly she sobered up.

It was a red A5 notepad with a black swirly binder. On the red cover, Gigi spotted five faces; Zayn, Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis. She chuckled slightly, before opening the notebook. Her heart dropped. If the familiar 1D watermark print paper wasn’t enough to make the connection, the titular scribble saying ‘Love letter for Geege draft’ at the top sealed it.

“Are you okay, Gigi?” she heard Toby ask from the bed.

The blonde paused and furrowed her brow, not sure what to do next. “Um. I can’t do this. Sorry.”

“But it was gonna be so good… You look so fine…” “Not tonight, Toby. Sorry.”

Her tone was serious, and Toby knew not to cross her. The boy watched as she pulled her dress and wings back on, and squinted his eyes when she saw a small red notebook in her hands.

“What’s that?” he pressed.

“Get out. Crystal wouldn’t want you in her room.”

After muttering a few disgusting insults under his breath, he left the room, leaving Gigi alone on her best friend’s bed with an overwhelming amount of thoughts.

Downstairs, Crystal had a growing concern as to where Gigi was, because she swore she saw Toby leave with another girl on his arm. Instead of being petty, she decided to be a good friend and creep up the stairs. To her surprise, her bedroom door was wide open. Upon entering, she realised it was empty. And then she saw the small A5 One Direction notebook wide open on her bed, and knew it was time to shut the party down.

It didn’t take more than fifteen minutes to get everyone out, but she was still met with groans of annoyance due to it only being little after midnight. Daya stayed back to help Crystal clean up, but the blonde knew something was wrong.

“Crys? What happened?” she asked, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder. Her other hand was occupied with a large bin bag filled with chip packets, put-out cigarettes and paper cups.

The small motion of comfort caused Crystal to break down, tears tumbling down her cheeks and creating streaks in her white face paint. Patches of caramel skin showed through as she cried more and more.

“No one… touched you… did they?” Daya questioned, dropping the trash bag and wrapping her arms around her friend’s waist.

“No,” Crystal sobbed, “I don’t really wanna talk about it. I’m fine. I just have to figure out a couple of things.”

“Do you need me to stay over?”

“No. It’s fine. I need some alone time.” The house was back to its usual state after twenty minutes, then D aya’s Lyft arrived and she left. Crystal found herself in front of her vanity, scrubbing at her face with cotton pads in an attempt to remove her many layers of makeup. She turned on her ‘Sad Girl Hours’ Spotify playlist whilst she cleaned herself up and continued playing it when she slid into the bath.

Gigi knew.

She couldn’t even think about why Gigi was snooping about in her drawers, she just knew that Gigi knew. Gigi finally made the connection. Crystal’s mask of hiding behind her romantic words was gone. There was no coming back from this. Part of her wanted to slide her body down the white acrylic bathtub surface, submerging herself in the water and remaining there until her lungs couldn’t function without another breath.

Instead, she simply sat there, neck and below beneath the steaming water, eyes shut. Her mind swarmed with escape plans. Would transferring to another school be worth it? Her current school was the best in the district. Should she give it up merely to run away from her problems? Should she face the issue head-on and talk about it with Gigi? Yes. Will she? Absolutely not.

She clambered out when the steam from the water began to make her dizzy. She straightened her blue hair every morning, but it had returned to its curly, frizzy state when it became dampened by the water. She rang it out into the sink using a hand towel, droplets of water falling from her naked frame. Everything was calm. The only thing that could be heard was the occasional sniffle - for Crystal was still crying sightly.

But, like all things, the peace came to an end when Crystal heard a clattering noise come from her bedroom. She yanked a towel from behind the bathroom door before hesitantly making her way back to her room, gasping when she saw someone climbing through her window. Instinctively, she grabbed a tennis racket that was hanging in the corner of her room.

“Jesus Christ - put that down!” the intruder gasped, and Crystal realised that it wasn’t an escaped prisoner coming to steal her and hold her captive in their trunk - it was Gigi.

Part of Crystal wanted to hit Gigi across the head with the racket painstakingly hard so the blonde’s memory would be wiped, forgetting the humiliating events of the day, but instead, Crystal just placed the racket down and covered herself tensely. She was still in her towel, and her hair was still dripping down her shoulders. She likely looked a mess, but it was too dark to notice.

“It’s almost 3 am…” Crystal whispered. Although she didn’t ask anything, it was clear her statement meant ‘why are you here?’

Gigi’s eyes trailed over to the blue-haired girl’s bed where the notebook still sat. Crystal had been afraid to touch it.

“Listen, if you’re going to ridicule me, do it on Monday, cause I’m too tired for this-” the older girl began, but Gigi stepped closer towards her.

The blonde had removed her costume and had her face now bare of any makeup. She was just stood there in black sports leggings and a pink sweater that was three sizes too large, swallowing up her slender frame. Her hair was damp and now in plaits, and her eyes were as puffy and tear-stained as Crystal’s, yet somehow still so beautiful.

“I’m not going to ridicule you, Crys,” she whispered, “I just wanna know… Was it you all along?”

Crystal didn’t wanna say it. Her body had never burned so bad, despite being bare and dripping with water. It was impossible to look Gigi in the eye, so instead, she looked at the gathering dust on the floor, gulping instead of responding.

“Answer me, Crys.” - she was getting closer.

“I don’t know if I can- if I can say it-” Crystal stumbled, her voice cracking under pressure.

Gigi stepped into Crystal’s bubble suddenly, reaching for the latter’s shaky hand. She took it in her own and pressed a soft kiss to it. “Don’t be scared to talk to me. We are best friends, remember. We vowed to always be transparent with one another - so I need you to tell me.”

After too long, Crystal finally met Gigi’s sparkling blue gaze. She swallowed back yet another lump in her throat before nodding. “It was me. I wrote them. All of them.”

The older girl swore she heard Gigi’s breathing hitch, but if the blonde was shocked in any way, she didn’t show any sign of it.

“I wanted to believe it was you, but when you seemed so disinterested in the letters, I began to question it. I never knew that you could write in such a way, Crys,” Gigi smiled sadly, reaching over to catch a tear spilling from Crystal’s eye with her thumb. The touch seemed to burn, sending electrifying sensations through both of them. “Did you truly mean everything you wrote in those letters or was it all a big joke to make me feel special?”

Crystal gasped slightly and furrowed her brow.

“Gigi Goode… You are special. When we got high during Phys Ed and you were all touchy I- I realised that I liked you. Even though it hasn’t been long since I realised it, I know my attraction to you has been there from the start. It started to become impossible to be around you without telling you how I felt, so I wrote it down in letters and hoped I could send the feeling away.”

Crystal was crying now - hard. She was a crier, and everyone knew it, but there was something about the quiet whimpers escaping her lips at that moment that took Gigi off guard.

“I wish you would’ve told me but, I can’t blame you. It’s terrifying,” Gigi sighed, stepping even closer. “I can’t even begin to explain how those letters made me feel, Crys. They made me feel like I hold some significance in somebody’s life. That someone might want me. That I am good enough for someone. You made me feel all that.”

In a bold move, Crystal was reaching towards her friend and tucking an escaped wisp of blonde hair behind her ear, “I can’t imagine a world where you aren’t good enough, Geege.”

“Your letters made me feel so loved,” Gigi sniffled. “Do you love me, Crystal?”

Crystal parted her lips, her hand still lingering by the side of Gigi’s face. It was a make or break moment.

“Yes,” she breathed, and then Gigi was leaning in.

The blonde paused before their lips could meet, looking for a sign of approval in her friend’s eyes. Crystal nodded, and that gave Gigi what she needed to finally press her lips against the former’s frown. They instantly became so content like that, lips moving together so perfectly like they just fit.

It was so gentle, to begin with, Crystal’s hand barely touching the side of Gigi’s face - but then the blonde’s fingers grabbed the top of Crystal’s arm, pulling her closer and prying her mouth open with her tongue. Their lips shifted clumsily against each other, but it still felt so right. Crystal tasted like teardrops and pineapple juice, and Gigi tasted like mint.

As the kiss became more and more heated, Crystal figured out what to do with her free hand. She took Gigi’s hand and led her towards the knot that held her towel together, staring at the blonde with dark, lustful eyes.

“I want you,” Crystal said, like it was a promise, “I need you.”

“I’m yours,” Gigi replied, pulling the knot loose and watching as the towel dropped by Crystal’s feet, showing off tanned curves glistening in water drops, begging to be marked.

They pulled one another in once again in a knee-weakening kiss, their noses colliding with each other as the passion fogged their minds. Soon, they were falling onto Crystal’s bed, and Crystal was watching whilst Gigi undressed herself in front of her.

“Promise me we’ll do this, and then we will talk everything out?” Crystal asked whilst Gigi was pulling her leggings off.

The blonde pressed a gentle kiss against Crystal’s cheek before whispering, “Of course. I love you.”

While Crystal watched Gigi hook a naked leg over her own, all she could think was: Widow VonDu needs a pay rise.

[daniellewade]

was pride really that different this year ?

idk about y’all, but I’ve had a lot of late night thought revelations lately, many of them about myself. and I wasn’t sure if this was worth sharing, but after a conversation I had earlier this week, I want write something out and ramble for a second. this won’t be coherent in any way shape or form. it probably won’t be edited either, but here’s a stream of thought. 

june is usually a month where everything is plastered with rainbows and its this big celebration. this year we all had our attention somewhere else and I think it’s incredibly important. given the matters at hand, I felt bad taking up space saying something for myself. however, I’ve thought about this too much and I want to get it off my chest and into the world somewhere. 

pride for me was never about the parades and public celebration. last year I did get to go and spend the day with some good friends and we had a great time. but I enjoyed it most bc people I loved were having a good time. pride this year was very personal. it was introspective and about the way I saw and felt about myself not how other people felt about or saw me. I then began to think “huh, this feels like pride from before I came out”. but realized, this was always how I celebrated pride regardless of how I told the world I labeled myself. 

since probably 2017, I’d been pretty comfortable identifying as “not straight”, though since I hadn’t picked a label, I assumed that meant I was still questioning things. that went on for a bit and I wasn’t uncomfortable about it by any means bc I wasn’t in any kind of rush to “decide” something. a couple years later, something changed and I subconscioulsy decided that I needed a label to validate it. that time came and went and I didn’t feel anything wrong with that label, so I let it be. if someone asked, I was perfectly comfortable saying I was bi and explaining what that meant to me personally.  

though as of lately, somewhere between lockdown and a very nostalgic pride celebration, I put a few things together. I remembered explicitly saying it, and acknowledging it, and not particularly feeling anything wrong with it. but I remember saying that I chose to label my sexuality bc that made it easier for other people to understand. however, a few months ago I realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do, and it didn’t feel authentic when I voiced an exclusive label. then it really hit when my queer friends started talking about how different pride was going to be this year bc I didn’t completely understand why. but it clicked that bc I never had an eventful coming out or a specific moment of realization to myself, that this year was just a continuation of all the other june’s I spent at home watching documentaries on the history of queer culture, or reading, or whatever the fuck. I simply got to have time with myself and appriciate what I have and the lgbtq+ people in and surrounding my life. 

in that, I realized that though I said it, I didn’t see what I actually meant by it. and that I had labeled my sexuality for the benefit of other people, rather than realizing that simplying acknowledging for myself that I’m not heterosexual was plenty valid. 

I’m not uncomfortable with labels. I don’t mind queer bc to me it has grown to become a large umbrella term that doesn’t necessarily have to be defined. I don’t dislike bi, it doesn’t feel wrong. but it also doesn’t feel like a box that I want society to use to contain me bc I feel like there’s more to me than that. I also don’t mind simply lgbtq+, that’s the community that I idenify with and again, it feels broad enough that I’m not limited by someone elses expectations.

I had a long post last year about pride and those were very real and valid feelings at the time, but I think that as I’ve become more in tune with myself, I’ve discovered more about that part of myself. I think the beautiful thing about the lack of a defined label is that it isn’t a constraint. I may look at this in another year or two and see something from another perspective. but for now, as june draws to a close, I guess I’ll leave this here for now. 

this is someting that has been running through my mind a lot lately, and since this is an unedited ramble, it probably isn’t coherent. but, I wanted to say it out loud somehwere in case someone else needs it. 

happy pride, y’all. 

[revangerang]

Oh boy I really got in my feelings and wrote way too much lmao

Tagged by: @edithpattou86

Tags your friends to do their own lists: @chierafied @mother-ishvara @doughygraduatestudent @kazoomajor @pagan-assassin

[[MORE]]

Top 5 animated movies:

1. Whisper of the Heart - Such a cute and whimsical slice-of-life coming of age story, and so inspiring for creative types! I love how Shizuku sees her fantasies come to life in the world around her, and how she just follows her whims to wander the city and treats each day like an adventure. I see a lot of myself in her. The grandpa and his shop are so cool! I want to find a place like that in my city! I love how she and Seiji inspire and encourage each other to improve themselves. Even though they’re so young and I usually hate that kind of thing, I think it’s a very realistic portrayal of what true love and a healthy relationship should be. The way her writing is treated as a creative process and something she can polish with hard work is just such a wonderful message and so inspiring to me.

2. Spirited Away - I love the Japanese culture and mythology, and the serene, still tone of the film. Truly beautiful. The way it doesn’t paint the spirits and gods in a bad light is good and correct: they were the careless humans who went into their world and took what they shouldn’t have. But it still focuses on the supernatural and eerie elements, often without even explaining anything, which I love. And the bathhouse feels like a real functioning place with workplace culture and all. And of course it’s great that Chihiro steps up and learns to be strong. I just love it.

3. Howl’s Moving Castle - I love all the characters so much, and all the magic and whimsy. The fantasy European setting is so charming, and they did a good job depicting Western magic. Ghibli movies really have such mundane magic, and they make me feel like my life is magic too. Sophie is so good and strong and I love seeing her come into her own. And Howl is hot. lmao

4. My Neighbor Totoro - I had the original Fox dub of this on a bootleg VHS my grandma made us when I was literally like an infant. My parents threw it away when I was still young- like no older than 5- because it “has Eastern religion in it” 🙄 Too bad for them the damage was already done lmfao. It was definitely one of the biggest influences of my formative years, I loved it so much and I’m so grateful to it. That mundane magic I talked about before, and just introducing me to a totally different worldview from my sheltered white American Christian bubble. I was fascinated by every single aspect from the traditional Japanese-style home to the bentos to the shrines... I really admired Satsuki and how grown up she was, taking care of her little sister like she did, making the lunches, all that. It’s really such a charming movie with great music and such a realistic depiction of childhood. Plus who doesn’t love Totoro himself?? And catbus! Iconicccc. I still look for little portholes in bushes and trees to this day lmao

5. Mulan - My little 8-year-old enby ass crying in the living room and repeatedly playing the Reflections scene over and over makes so much more sense now 😂 But really it’s just such a great film with a unique art style, fun characters, and great music. I love how Mulan fights for what she believes is right, and wants to protect her father. And I think it’s great how she also fights to find her own place in the world. I like how they don’t make it a “not like other girls” thing, but just that she personally somehow doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin with the makeup and all that. Between her living as a man and the clear romantic relationship between “Ping” and Shang, it’s pretty good queer representation for a 2000s Disney movie lol. Also Mulan and Shang can both get it I mean what.

Honorable Mention: Prince of Egypt - That animation tho! So fucking cinematic!! And the music and everything just ugh so good! The characters are really compelling too and you can totally feel the brotherly love and familial issues.

Top 5 live action movies:

1. Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - This is a movie where you can’t look away for a moment or you’ll miss something important. It really is just one entire heck of a day for the main character like howwww does so much happen. It’s really just written so well honestly that they manage to pack so much into a single movie and a single day. I aspire to that level. The 30s setting is so great with the costumes and set and music ahh I get so much inspiration from it. Every single character (and actor for that matter) is just fantastic. It’s super funny- that situational comedy is my jam. And there are touching moments that give me inspiration for my own life. I relate to Miss Pettigrew with her clear social anxiety, and perhaps neurodivergency? But I love how the events of the film bring out the best in her. And Delysia is just so charming! I want her confidence

2. La La Land - Such a fun and whimsical musical about life for creatives in Los Angeles~ It makes me feel nostalgic and proud to live here. I love all the different homages to classic Hollywood, and the music is so good!! The love story feels realistic and I actually really like that they don’t end up together in the end. They just encourage each other to be better, and if that means being apart, they’re willing to do it. It is another one that gives me inspiration for my life and creative endeavors, especially The Fools Who Dream 😭 Gets me every time.

3. Mamma Mia - This is my shameless feel-good movie. I love just putting it on in the background as I clean or whatever. It’s just so upbeat and fun!! I love Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep especially. And I like that the main character learns what she wants (and doesn’t want) out of life right now. And I love that they depict older characters and women!! having full and rich lives including romance and sex. The message that it’s never too late for love is so great! And also just like please communicate and you will probably save yourself so much heartache lmao.

4. Across the Universe - I have an affinity for the 60s and 70s, and I love how this movie kind of takes you through that era with the various characters. It’s such a fun movie with great costumes, cinematography, and music! I just love all the covers of the Beatles songs!! I honestly like them just as much as I like the originals. This is one of the first things I ever saw with positive/neutral queer representation?? Like Sadie is presented just as she is, without it being like WHAT SHE LIKES WOMEN?????? I”MPOSSIBLE !! Or making it all about sex or whatever. It’s literally just like “I want to hold your hand.” Also the whole bit with Eddie Izzard is just incredible lmfao

5. LOTR - My first fandom~ I love these movies so much ughhh. The music! The costumes! The characters! The world! The high fantasy!! I think PJ was so true to the books, or at least as much as he was able in just 10-ish hours. I love that they just went for it and filmed all three in one go, and made them over 3 hours long, which was basically unheard of at the time for blockbuster films. They did so good fully representing the different races through costume, language, culture, and the music too. I literally used to just lay on my bed for hours at a time in junior high, listening to the soundtracks and being immersed in the world. My friends and I would often play pretend that we were in Middle Earth (so lame for middle schoolers lmaooo). I love every single (not-evil) character and I will fight for them. I will especially fight Denethor I don’t even cARE !

Honorable mention: A Little Princess - Sooo whimsical and lovely, even when the girls are going through hardship! I love Sarah and how she literally does magic and even puts a curse on what’s her face omgg. She’s so charming and a genuinely good person too, even though she could have been a spoiled brat. The big climactic scene is so !! Omg I still get the adrenaline when she’s crossing the board and then hiding from the police even though I’ve seen this countless times since I was a small child. And it’s so wonderful that she’s reunited with her father, and they adopt the other girl. It taught me at a young age that the world isn’t fair and people will be nasty and abusive for no reason, but that you can still believe in magic and “fancy yourself a princess.” And the neighbor guy taught me that strangers will step in to help out of the goodness of their heart.

Top 5 TV shows:

1. ATLA - One of the best series of all time. The worldbuilding, lore, storyline, character development, animation, music, etc, are all incredible. If they had gone with the original intention of making Zutara canon it would have been literally perfect and so subversive and innovative! As it is it is still nearly perfect and they still did an amazing job with Zuko’s redemption arc. I just ignore that very last scene tbh. In my mind, it didn’t happen. The series addresses so many issues like imperialism, sexism, abuse, family, disability, war, etc, in a very realistic way. Uncle Iroh is literally a treasure.

2. Steven Universe - So charming and wonderful!! I just love it so much!! It is so goddamn queer, it makes me so happy. Stevonnie is the nonbinary representation we don’t even deserve!! I love every single character. I love the animation and the music too! The bgm is so bubbly and glitchy and cool, super on point for trends these days. And the original songs are so charming~ It also deals with a ton of important issues like imperialism, interpersonal relationships, oppression, self-identity, abuse, leadership, mental health, boundaries, consent, brain-washing, unlearning unhealthy behavior, etc. I love that every single character, even minor ones, get character development and a chance to be strong and improve themselves. And it shows that even the ones we initially think are super strong and have it all together, actually have their own issues that they struggle with too.

3. Yuuri!!! On Ice - This show!!!! Oh my goddddddd. Literally perfect. I love that it just subverts every single trope???? Especially with the events at the beginning and the big spoiler in episode 10. Simply incredible. I love every single character so much??? Even ones I was expecting to hate, like how Yurio is a little shit at the beginning, and then when Lilia is introduced as this super severe tyrant, but she ends up just being a good, yet strict coach because she really wants Yurio to succeed. It’s honestly just so wholesome! The music is so amazing and the ice skating is really realistic too! It really shows that they had an actual skating choreographer and worked off video of him performing. I love how realistic the whole show is like with lots of social media, youtube, instagram, etc. And it does a queer romance without it being a gimmick. It’s just a sports anime with a side plot of a romance but it just happens to be gay. And Kubo-sensei has stated that homophobia doesn’t exist at all in their world which makes me so happy. It’s honestly so queer and I adore how all three main characters are genderfucks a bit. I also love how realistically Yuuri’s anxiety and depression are portrayed. I relate so much to him, especially because mine exhibit in the exact same ways as his. It’s another one that inspires me to fight to be better and live the life I want to live.

4. OTGW - So charming. A perfect addition to the canon of New England fairy tales. The music is great, the animation is wonderful and nostalgic, the characters are fun and interesting and spooky. I love how liminal it is and you aren’t really sure where they are or what’s going on for the majority of the episodes. Greg is the most realistic depiction of a small child and the brothers’ relationship is the most realistic I think I’ve ever seen in my life lmao. He’s just so random and weird and has such Little Kid Logic I love it so much lmao. The story is perfectly contained in its 10 short episodes, and it gives a very satisfying ending. I still can’t get over how many huge stars were in it too?? Like fucking Tim Curry as Auntie Whispers???? I can not believe.

5. Inuyasha - I’m weeb trash and this show is also trash but I love it so much okay. As a big fan I hold so much against the anime for changing things from the manga, but even so I love it. Overall I think the animation, music, and voice acting is perfect. It’s so cool with all the mythos of youkai and the shikon jewel, plus I love traditional Japanese culture stuff. And isekai type stuff is my jam. If I found a portal to another world or to the past you bet your ass I’d go through it. I totally don’t still look for portals as a 30 year old adult, I don’t know what you’re talking about 😂 Kagome is such a great mc tbh like she’s so smart and strong and talented and kind I just love her so much??? I want to be more like her. And I love all the characters honestly. I have to overlook some questionable 90s anime tropes for certain ones, but I still love them. As much as we rag on the constant upgrades thing, the battles and stuff are pretty thrilling, and overall the series is good fun. And yes Sesshoumaru is my husbando, next question.

Honorable Mention: Doctor Who - I love how this show manages to be like every single genre?? SciFi, historical, comedy, thriller, mystery, slice of life, etc. I love all of the Doctors, and all of their companions. I just love how much the Doctor loves humans, and how much faith they have in humanity. And again it’s that whole isekai, time travel, normal modern human goes on magical adventures thing. I would go with the Doctor in a heartbeat. I still cry over Donna 😭

[screamingintothevoidz]

yo yo, welcome back to the vent blog that nobody reads, I’m your host, a depressed piece of shit.

Today’s topic: crippling loneliness and wanting love that nobody wants to give me because I’m a selfish piece of shit. Nothing new.

So my art got published in a magazine. It’s my university’s magazine, it’s not a huge thing, but it’s the first time that something I’ve made has been in print and it’s so overwhelming and awesome and I’m literally on the inside cover and it’s just a cool thing. Drawing has always just been a hobby of mine and I’m not quite good enough to be able to win anything or do anything with it, so this is cool.

But that’s not my stress. My stress is the launch party on Friday night, and my crippling social anxiety along with my loneliness.

It’s going to be an amazing night. It’s going to be filled with queer artists and female artists and it’s a celebration of amazing art and culture and I’m so excited to be in that environment. There’s free pizza, it’s at a bar, it’s a good time. But I’m so fucking alone and I don’t have anyone to take.

I have friend, good friend, they’re probably reading this, yo yo. But friend is coming to the party because their awesome work also got published in this magazine and it’s hella good because they’re a hella good writer. But they have many friends and a big support network of people that are genuinely happy for them. 

I don’t have that.

I really, really don’t want them to feel bad for inviting people, please don’t do that my bean. It is so cool that they have this group of people who love and support them and their work, and it’s so amazing that these people are coming to this launch party to be there for them, to celebrate their successes.

And stalking the facebook event, it appears that all the other artists seem to have this as well.

And me?

I have depression.

But seriously, I’m just so fucking lonely. I don’t have any friends who would come to this. If I asked, it would be brushed off with an “i’m busy” or any other excuses to justify why they can’t come. I don’t have myself a support network. Even when I showed my own fucking mother my drawing that got printed and I was so proud of, she wrinkled her nose up and told me “why did you have to draw the leg hair? It’s ugly.”

So this fucking bitch is going to be showing up an hour and a half late to this fucking party, with no money, cold as shit and tired from catching 3 seperate buses to get there, only to get there and spend the whole night in the corner on my phone because I’m so fucking anxious because I went cold turkey on my medication because I’m a fucking piece of shit who is so bad with money that I can’t fucking budget for medication.

I burned the bridges with most of my high school friends. They were judgemental and our personalities clashed and I just didn’t like the way that they treated me and how I couldn’t be myself around them. I never directly burned bridges because I didn’t want to hurt them, but if I asked them to come to this stupid event they wouldn’t come because they don’t like me either.

I’m a piece of shit in social situations. I put all my eggs in one basket because I just don’t know how to do anything else. And when things like this come up where all I want is a friend by my side, reality just comes crashing back down to remind me that I’m just a piece of shit.

Part of me doesn’t even know if I can go to this thing. I don’t even like pizza, and it’s not like I have any way to get home.

I have 3 days to build up the confidence to go to this fucking thing. I’m sick again, I can’t breathe through my nose and it just so happened to line up perfectly at when I’m starting uni again, so that’s fucking great. 

I spent about 6 hours on a watercolour painting and it’s terrible. I’ve ruined it and I’m so mad at myself.

Watercolour needs patience. I try and do too much without waiting long enough and the colours run and I ruin things. Then I get upset and myself and I guess this just feels like a terrible analogy for my social life too.

Yeah. I hope I fucking die tonight.

[quarterfromcanon]

Gradation

Heather & Valencia - Femslash February - Day 7 - Nail Polish [2,503 words]

Home Base was in one of its periods of flux. The late lunch crowd shuffled out while the early dinner customers ambled toward their usual seats. Heather was in the final stretch of her scheduled work hours and expected nothing special from such an unremarkable Thursday. So, when Valencia stepped out of the glaring sunlight and swept in through the door, the surprise visit made for an especially welcome turn of events.

Heather’s excited expression dimmed, however, when she noted an all-too-familiar shift in her companion’s appearance. Valencia’s hair was pulled into a messy bun that looked as though it had been worn up overnight for at least seventy-two hours; her shirt appeared to be a forgotten garment from her high school years, and the legs of her sweatpants pooled around her ankles. Her purse strap was held together by duct tape. Heather had already noticed the discrete Facebook relationship status change the previous week but, even without that prior knowledge, she was familiar enough with Valencia’s dejectedly single fashion sense to recognize it on sight. 

None of the Gurl Group members knew what happened. Right now, Rebecca was only aware of whatever news from the outside world was brought to her on visiting days, but Paula and even Heather herself were kept similarly in the dark. Heather anticipated a severe fallout in the wake of the split from Beth, but witnessing it firsthand was another matter entirely. The sorrow was more physically profound this time than it was after Josh. Valencia’s eyes were ringed by dark, sleep-deprived circles and she was unusually pale in a way that made her seem ill. Several passing patrons corrected their course across the room just to allow her a wider berth. She reached the bar and pulled herself onto a stool. 

Heather waited for a moment, but Valencia did not speak. Her gaze flicked briefly in Heather’s direction and darted away again before there was any risk of eye contact. Instead, she settled for staring at the shiny surface of the bar.

“Hey, stranger,” Heather greeted when several minutes of unbroken silence had passed.

“Hi,” Valencia rasped. Her voice was feeble and scratchy from lack of use, coupled by what Heather guessed had been multiple days of frequent and heavy crying.

Valencia hugged her torso, still not quite able to regard Heather directly. As Valencia rubbed shaking hands up and down her arms, Heather noticed that her fingers were sporting chipped polish in a variety of hues. Heather was momentarily surprised that Valencia indulged in applying paint to her nails, but then it dawned on her what day it was.

“I like your Pride colors,” she told her.

Valencia laughed humorlessly with tears in her eyes. “Happy National Coming Out Day to me.”

She blinked rapidly before splaying out her fingers to examine what remained of the days-old coat. “Beth did these for me, before...” Valencia faked a cough but didn’t finish the sentence. “We decided that since I’m still Official Identity Pending, a rainbow was the right call for my first year being out. She taught me what they meant, too.”

Valencia turned the backs of her palms to face Heather and wiggled each finger as she identified its color symbolism. “Sex, life, healing, sun, nature, the arts, harmony, and spirit. Fitting that the life one ended up on my middle finger since its favorite thing to give me is a resounding ‘Fuck You.’” She shook her head, clenched her hands into fists, and tucked them under the crooks of her elbows. 

“What are the white ones on the ends?” Heather asked tentatively.

Valencia whispered to conceal a break in her voice. “Clouds.” She cleared her throat and chanced a quick look at Heather’s face. “I’m sorry. The last nine days have been hell. I only left the apartment because I didn’t think I could stand being surrounded by the memories any longer. I don’t mean to keep sounding fragile and melodramatic but those are my only two modes right now. Please, ignore me.”

Heather leaned over the bar and brushed her fingers along Valencia’s forearm in a concerned gesture. “Valencia Perez never wants to be ignored.”

Valencia looked into her eyes for the first time and had to visibly choke down a sob. “You’re right. That’s not what’s going to help me. To quote one of the godawful conversation t-shirts she and I saw while we were shopping online together: I’m here. I’m queer. I need a beer.”

Heather gave her a gentle smile. “I’ll take care of you.”

She turned her back and began preparing a glass, but Valencia’s voice stopped her.

“Heather?”

“Hmm?”

“The beer thing was just for the sake of the rhyme, so--”

“One finger of bourbon? I kinda assumed and already started pouring that.”

“Perfect,” Valencia confirmed. “Thanks. You’re the best.”

Heather brought the drink over and set it down before her. Valencia took a sip and shut her eyes. She cupped the beverage on either side and slid it back and forth between her hands. 

“Hey, my work day is done in, like, two minutes. Nobody’s gonna care if I ditch early. I’m basically their boss now, anyway. Do you wanna maybe come outside with me and sit at one of the tables?” Heather suggested.

Valencia twisted around to consider the rest of the clientele, then peered beyond them through the window at the warm glow of the setting sun. “Yeah,” she agreed with a little nod. “That sounds nice.”

“Cool.”

They left the bar and found a spot far enough away from the doors that they were unlikely to be disturbed. Valencia put her drink down and faced the horizon, her back to Heather who was seated opposite from her.

Heather lightly tapped her hands against the rusted tabletop. “The breeze feels good.”

“Autumn’s settling in,” Valencia remarked. 

“Sweatshirt weather.” Heather rocked forward and back on the bench and tapped the toes of her shoes together.

“You can ask if you want to.”

Heather frowned and leaned on her elbows. “I don’t want to make you face something before you’re ready, V. But, if you wanna talk to me, I’ll listen. To anything, really. Not just about this.”

Valencia took another drink. “It’s okay. I’ve been wallowing in it for long enough. I think I can at least get through telling you the basics.”

“Okay.” Heather gripped the crosshatched metal under her fingers and waited patiently.

Valencia took a deep breath. “Beth asked me to come with her to New York,” she announced on the exhale.

“To visit? Didn’t you just go on a weekend trip not that long ago for her parents’ anniversary?”

“Yeah, we did. And no. Not to visit. To live. Permanently.”

Heather’s stomach lurched at the thought. “Oh.”

“I said no.”

In spite of herself, Heather’s heart gave a relieved throb. “How come?”

“It just wasn’t right for me. I tried to keep an open mind. I swear to God, I did. Beth and I had fun on the visit and I could see how much she lit up to be back around familiar places and people. I’m all she really had out here. But New York is so big and crowded and confusing. It swallows you whole. I just kept remembering what Rebecca said on the party bus, the day you and I first met. To me, it looked and felt just like she described. That city may be home to some people -- it clearly is to Beth -- but, as far as I’m concerned, I’d side with Rebecca on this one. Much as this place annoys me and pisses me off, I’d take West Covina over NYC any day.”    

Valencia polished off the last of the alcohol.

“So, she’s going back?” Heather cautiously filled in the blanks. “...Without you?”

“Yeah.” Valencia swung her legs over the bench so she and Heather could be eye to eye. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave my life behind. My family’s here. Everything I know. And my friends... I finally have those, for the first time in so long... possibly ever... real friends, and I just got them. Was I supposed to put a whole country between myself and the happiest I’ve ever been, go back to just being somebody’s girlfriend who doesn’t really fit in with their crowd? Should I have done that?”

The teardrops she’d been keeping at bay thus far spilled down her face in two winding trails that reached her chin and then plummeted to the cement underfoot.

“Beth’s one of the most caring, patient, and kind people I’ve met in my entire life. I never wanted to hurt her. But the move would’ve destroyed me. I knew she wouldn’t want me to lie to her but, God, telling the truth broke both our hearts.”

She folded her arms, dropped her head onto them, and then began weeping in earnest. Heather climbed up and over the table to sit beside her. She pulled Valencia into her arms and held fast while her best friend shook with bereavement.

Heather rocked from side to side and rubbed circles on Valencia’s back. Her own throat was burning with sympathetic emotion that she could barely keep in check. “I’ve got you,” she murmured, distraught by the inadequacy of the only sentence that would come to mind.

Eventually, Valencia quieted to sporadic shudders and an occasional sniffle. “Your poor blouse. It’s sopping wet now.”

Heather pulled back and gripped Valencia’s arms. “I don’t care. It’ll air dry.”

“I’ve kept you with me so long,” Valencia said apologetically. “You could’ve been home with Hector ages ago.”

Heather tensed and let her hands fall into her lap. “Um, yeah, he’s not worrying about me, so... it’s fine.”

Valencia detected the evasiveness in her tone. “What do you mean?”

“He kinda moved out. I kinda encouraged that... by calling if off between us.” 

Valencia’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand. Also, how long were you going sit there and let me rattle on about myself without telling me what happened?”

“As long as you needed.”

Valencia’s expression softened. “Well, now I need to be able to return the favor. So talk to me.”

Heather ran both hands over her tied-back curls and sighed. “He didn’t do anything bad. He’s a great guy. We got along super well. I think he might be the first time I ever felt like I was dating a friend.”

Valencia shook her head, perplexed. “Then what changed?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, I’m lost.”

“Yeah. So was I.” Heather lifted her shoulders helplessly. “That’s the problem. I know I’m not a big planner -- that’s your specialty -- but, even for me, I got into bed with Hector way too fast. Literally and figuratively.”

Valencia grimaced but smoothed her features once more and patted Heather’s knee. “Go on.”

“He was reliable and accepting and a total sweetheart. We were getting used to the flow of our routine and building up a new life together,” Heather continued, “but, it was like you said about New York: it just wasn’t right for me.”

Heather met Valencia’s gaze for a moment but then fiddled with the shoelace on the foot she was resting atop the bench. “Not to make Rebecca’s jail time sound like a good thing -- because it’s not, at all -- but without her around, I got a taste of what a future with just me and Hector could be like. I couldn’t find anything wrong with it... but nothing felt right.” She fidgeted and kept her eyes downcast. “Anyway, we sat down at the table one night and had a really long talk. There wasn’t any yelling; it wasn’t over-the-top. Just really sad. But we came to an agreement that this was for the best. He’s crashing with WhiJo now.”

Valencia nodded and gave herself time to absorb the information. “Wow.” She trailed her fingertip along the edge of the bench. “Why’s it so painful if we made the choice?”

“I don’t know. I just know it fucking sucks.”

“Hear, hear.”

They both sat in silence for a minute while the breeze tousled their hair.

Valencia slapped her hands against her thighs. “Enough of this. I need a distraction. I think you could use one, too.” She adjusted the taped strap over her shoulder. “Why don’t I paint Pride nails for you? I still have a few of the bottles in the bottom of this purse.”

Heather thought it over for a bit and shrugged. “Okay.”

“You’ve got to go back to the other side, though, so I’ve got room to work.”

Heather dutifully clambered over to her previous bench, the awkward process of which made Valencia laugh for the first time in weeks. Heather smiled too and, once she was settled, fanned out her left hand across the table. 

Valencia rummaged through her bag and produced three colors: pink, lavender, and blue. “That’s the order, right?”

“Yeah, you’ve got it.”

Valencia unscrewed the first lid and took Heather’s hand in hers. She applied the pink in small, delicate strokes. “You know, I really didn’t thank you enough for coming out to me when I was struggling to come out to myself. You showed me a side of the journey that I don’t know if I could have pictured otherwise. You’re so confident in your own skin, so at ease with who you are. Sure, I saw some of that with WhiJo being so openly gay while we were growing up, but it all has a way bigger impact when it’s coming from someone you trust.”

A flicker of pain crossed Heather’s face, but Valencia’s focus on the task prevented her from catching it. “Glad to help,” Heather said simply.

Valencia opened the lavender bottle. “You always do.”

Heather’s senses felt heightened and the touch of Valencia’s fingers beneath hers left subtle bumps along the sides of her arms. 

“All right, one blue and this hand will be ready,” Valencia declared.

“Looks good.” Heather gulped and turned her attention to the sun, which had now disappeared halfway behind the crest of the land. “The baseball field is actually kinda pretty at this time of day.”

“Surprisingly, yes,” Valencia agreed. “But I’d better hurry. If I don’t wrap this up, the sky will match your nails and I’ll be painting the right hand in the dark.”

She finished the blue fingernail and brought Heather’s hand close to her lips. “This one’s ready to dry,” she explained, and then began to blow on the polish. 

Valencia’s breath tickled across Heather’s ring finger and she shivered. “Thanks for doing this. You were right about it being a distraction. It helps.”

“My pleasure. I’m glad it’s working for you, too.” She locked eyes with Heather again. “I want you to know I’ll always be here for you.”

Heather’s pulse thrummed against her ribs. “Thank you. And you know you can count on me too, right?”

Valencia ran her thumb across the backs of Heather’s fingers and smiled. “I do.”

[hahanoiwont]

Also please explain abt the spn thing

alright my dude, buckle up buckaroos. Here’s how Supernatural (yes, that Supernatural) led me to the college of my dreams and a haunting question that I can never even attempt to answer.

So. A while ago, I was just beginning to turn my life around after like 3 years at rock bottom. At the same time, I started getting into Supernatural. It was about brothers, it had supernatural (ha. haha) themes, it wasn’t too involved episode to episode, I’d been meaning to check it out for years--it was perfect. It was everything I was looking for.

So, of course, I got hardcore into it. I read fic, I wrote fic. I read some cringey, cringey stuff. I loved the character Sam. He didn’t fit into his family, he was always cast in feminine roles despite being a man, he was one of the only characters that didn’t fall so much into violent masculinity, he had consistent possession/agency themes; I loved him. And idk if you’re familiar with the fandom, but there’s Discourse(TM) about that. He’s not the most popular major character.

So. When I ran out of fic that really explored what I wanted to see, what do I do? I go to the authors I like and I check their other works. And I see that link. the link that I have been avoiding for so long, but which haunts and tempts me. more work from authors you already like, it says. don’t you like this summary? it’s basically the same thing. But new. something you haven’t read before. don’t you want that?

You know. This link:

I click the link.

I justify it to myself. They signed up to be in the public spotlight, I say. It’s not like I’m gonna be weird about it. I don’t think they’re like this at all, these are just characters. It’s fine, I say. But the cold, hard fact is: I click the link.

And I do find a really, really good fic. I haven’t read it before. It’s a new, refreshing take on a college au, which I rarely like, but this one is great. It really gets what it’s like to be a young queer man who’s struggling to accept himself, to decide who to come out to, who’s combating compulsive heterosexuality and trying to find his way in the world all at once. It makes me feel understood, accepted, when I’m just beginning to come to terms with myself. And it’s based on this real college, say the author’s notes. With real locations all listed.

Oh, but it gets better.

The author’s notes also say that whoever wrote this wonder fic works at the college in question. That’s their real, adult job. And they love it. They couldn’t be more impressed with the campus, the students, the culture...the love they have for this place pours out of every word and detail.

Cool, I say to myself. I wonder what that college is.

I was a young fool who did not see where this was clearly headed.

I leave my comment, I bookmark the fic for my bad day folder. I move on.

But college admissions is around the corner, and if there’s one thing I know about me, it’s that being sat down by An Adult(TM) to do something is a surefire way to get me to do something else. So when I’m supposed to be looking up real colleges that I’ll really go to, I look up this fanfiction college, and I tell my advisor that I’m thinking of applying there. I get a little giggle about it, but no harm done, right?

But then, when applications time comes, I need to apply to one more college. And I need to choose quick if I want financial aid with the apps. Like, 5 minutes quick. So, what the hell, right? I apply to fanfiction college. It does actually have a lot of things I want: small classes, undergrad research, pretty good academic rep, far away from home. I’m not gonna go there, but it looks nice on my ‘other schools I’ve applied to’ forms.

Joke’s on me, though. through a series of events, I am given the ability to visit 2 colleges on my list. And my parents say, hey, that one in Texas looks pretty nice. Why not that one?

It is not a suggestion.

Oh, no, I think.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I say. So I visit two colleges. One in Florida (lizards on campus are a strong selling point, transphobic relatives very near by, Florida, and the fact that everyone there is fucking creepy are stronger dissuasions)

And then the fanfiction school. I visit when it’s raining. It’s unbearably hot. I get lost twice and embarrass myself in front of the cab driver and the admissions guy on two separate occasions. But it’s still a really nice visit. It’s a really nice school. I can see myself going here, I think. It has everything I want.

Oh, no.

I step back and review my options (the one I read about in fanfiction? seriously???), but it’s too late. I already visited. There are cats on campus that you can just visit whenever you want. The professors are friendly and available to students. The campus is really nice. I’m a little in love.

But somewhere. Somewhere on campus, someone wrote

and that’s why I’m here

I need to live with that. If I go here, that is a part of my life that I cannot escape.

But it’s too late to save me now. Also, the other school was fucking creepy, I’m not going there. So I apply to the fanfiction college.

Since then, I’ve had an incredible time. The education can’t be beat, I think my professors are great, campus is beautiful, it never gets too cold. It’s a dream world for me. But like Pandora and her box, there is one thing I must never, ever find out.

I can never know who wrote that god damned fanfiction.

[chemically-imbalanced-romance]

I Won’t Say I’m In Love [Pre-Draft]

I’ll try to keep this short even though I have a lot to say

This fic was meant to be a one off, but a lot lot longer, and it didn’t end up that way. I got a sudden surge of motivation and since it was the first and so far only dose I’ve gotten for months, I went with it. If you guys like this enough for me to actually turn it into what it was originally envisioned- A cute origin fic of a quiet moody Virgil and a sheepish flirty Roman -then just lmk, and I’ll see if I can stir up any leftover motivation.

A huge huge thanks to my dear boy @confusedcaleb​ and @dazedtrains​ ((idk which blog you’d want me to tag lmao)) for reading this for me and encouraging me to actually write it. Fun fact: He’s the cute transboy I was talking about meeting a bunch of months ago.

Wow this really was supposed to be short

Anyway, no trigger warnings except for some crude language 

   “You’re kidding, right? He’s kidding.”

   Logan quirked an eyebrow. “Well, generally, I’d agree. He doesn’t look kidding, though.”

   Patton whined. “Come on, what’s the big deal?”

   “I have plans,” Virgil muttered.

  Patton squinted at him, trying to decide whether to call him out on his bullshit or congratulate him for getting out of the house.

   “Don’t bother, Patton,” Logan said. “He’s lying to you.”

   Patton gasped. “That’s so unfair!”

  Virgil turned away and resumed shoving his things in his backpack. The week’s worth of homework he’d been hoarding stuck out of his binder messily; He planned on using his assignments to kill time over the weekend. Usually he’d spend the weekend sleeping, or crashing at Logan or Patton’s house, but is only two friends were going to be busy and he’d been having trouble sleeping lately.

   He slung his backpack over his shoulder and looked at them. “He invited you, okay?” His voice was quiet, but strong. “You can go if you want, but don’t drag me into it.”

   Patton pouted, his eyes shining. God, why me. “Please?”

   Logan offered Virgil a sliver of a smile. “Don’t make me brood alone.”

   Tag teaming. Totally unfair.

   “Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled. “Can I get a ride?”

  Patton squealed, jumping to throw his arms around Virgil. He squeezed the life out of him and moved on to do the same to Logan.

   “Remy’ll be picking us up. Just be ready at seven, okay?”

  Virgil cursed under his breath as a car honked outside. He stumbled around his room, snatching his hoodie and the two Monsters he had left on the desk, before dashing out.

   “You don’t know what a text is?” He muttered so that only Logan could hear as he climbed into the back of Remy’s car.

   Remy pulled away from Virgil’s house before his door was even closed. He started towards Patton’s house.

  Remy grinned at him through the rearview mirror, a sharp grin on his face. Due to the darkness, he was lacking his favourite sunglasses, showcasing his gray eyes.

   “Virgil! Glad you could make it.”

   “Can’t relate.”

   “Can’t help but notice you have two of those.”

  Virgil held out one of his Monsters. “Figured I could prevent some kind of fire,” he said while Logan opened it and handed it over to Remy.

  Remy was one of the most intelligent, talented people on the theatre crew. He knew this, too, which was why he refused to let anything lack his touch. He took on every project he could and got less sleep than Virgil, which was really a world record. One time Sophomore year, Remy’d gone a week without any sleep, and fell asleep in the middle of opening night- On the soundboard. He vowed not to let that happen again.

  He stopped at Patton’s house, also only kind of allowing him to get in before starting again. Patton grinned and attack-hugged Virgil again.

   “Yay! I thought you would change your mind.”

  Patton was the only one who apparently saw this as an event worthy enough of a new outfit. The rest of the boys were wearing what they’d been for school that day, but Patton picked out a lavender skirt and matching combat boots.

   Patton babbled on through the car ride, Logan and Virgil idly listening but Remy really the only one indulging him, until they got to the school. Remy thanked Virgil for the caffeine before he left to join the rest of the crew backstage, Virgil, Logan, and Patton taking their usual seats in the front.

   Virgil crossed his arms over his chest and sighed, sliding down in the seat.

  Remy had been inviting them to performances of all kind since Freshman year, and they went to every single one. Virgil knew the name of pretty much any student in the school who was A) slightly queer, B) slightly creative, or C) both. Any new faces stuck out like a sore thumb. So when the lights went down and the leading role came out onto the stage, Virgil’s honest-to-God first reaction was to lean to Logan’s side and mumble, “Who’s that asshole?”

   “Roman. He got here a few months ago. What, Remy hasn’t mentioned him to you yet?” Virgil shook his head. “Lucky you. He won’t shut up about him.”

   “Why?”

   “He’s an asshole.”

  Virgil snorted and sunk back in his seat, focusing back on the production. As always, the would-be trainwreck was pulled together last minute by the few drama kids who actually gave a shit, and managed to be pretty enjoyable. The only difference was the new guy practically sparkling in the stage lights.

   When the lights came back on and the majority of the audience poured out of the auditorium, Patton rushed to pull out a crumpled bouquet of flowers from his backpack. Virgil and Logan followed behind, muttering congratulations as Patton went down the line to hand a flower to everyone.

   Virgil and Logan both had been ready to leave for a half hour by now, but Remy was their ride home and they would’ve stuck around to congratulate him, anyway. Patton approached Remy with his arm slung around Roman’s shoulders with the remainder flowers. He grinned as he held them out.

  Virgil rolled his eyes, Logan chuckling as Remy made a big show of accepting them, kissing Patton on the cheek and handing one over to Roman.

   Roman blushed. “Thank you.”

   “You did so good!” Patton bounced up and down, hardly containing his excitement. “I told you!”

   They’ve met before?

  Well, that did make sense. Patton went to practically every rehearsal- It wouldn’t make sense for him to not have latched himself against Roman’s side. Any time there was a new kid, Patton was the first one they met. He tended to hover around and shower them in gifts and favours until they found their own friends. It would be annoying if Patton wasn’t so damn good at being a friend. He read people really well and adapted quickly. Logan and Virgil wouldn’t have ever imagined they be friends with someone like him, but, well, Patton really knew how to take care of them.

   Virgil went to take out his phone, knowing Patton and Remy could sit talking for hours, when Logan nudged him.

   “What?” He grumbled. He didn’t look up, but Logan nudged him again, so Virgil shot him a glare. “What?”

  Logan nodded to the boys; Virgil glanced over and caught Roman poorly disguising the fact that he was clearly staring at him.

   Virgil blinked. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

   “Okay,” he mumbled, hurriedly pulling his phone out.

   “You’re an idiot,” Logan sighed.

   “I know,” he snapped. His heart was racing.

  With Remy and Patton completely distracted by their conversation, Logan was free to shove Virgil as hard as he could without Patton’s scolding.

   “Motherfuc-”

   Logan was probably going for something ‘romantic-’ Shoving Virgil into Roman’s chest, having Roman catch him, maybe some life-changing eye contact. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Logan sucked. He completely missed, slamming Virgil into the stage next to Roman while Roman watched with wide eyes.

   “Virgil!” Patton rushed over to him, cutting off his sight of Roman. “Are you okay? What happened?”

   “He tripped,” Logan cut in before Virgil could cut him out.

   “Are you okay?” Patton asked.

   “Fine,” he grumbled. His hip hurt and his face was on fire. “Can we go?”

   “Actually, Patton-”

   Oh my god I’m going to throw something at him.

   “I need to talk to you and Remy before we leave.” Logan’s face was the picture of innocence. “Is that okay?”

   Patton bit his lip, looking between Logan and Virgil. “Uh… Yeah! Roman?”

  Oh my god.

   Virgil glared at him, silently promising murder as Patton asked Roman to walk Virgil to the car.

   Roman blushed. “Yeah! Sure. Okay. Sure.”

   “We’ll be there in a few minutes!”

   Before Roman could get to him, Virgil turned around and stormed off, ramming his shoulder into Logan’s on the way.

  Outside, despite being several steps behind, Roman talked like they were right next to each other. “I didn’t get your name?”

   He wanted to tell him to fuck off, but rather it be anxiety or manners, he couldn’t. “Virgil.”

   “I’m Roman. Do you, ah-?”

   “I can walk myself.”

   “Right.”

  Virgil stopped at Remy’s car, Roman stopping a few inches in front of him. He twisted his flower between his fingers, biting his lip. Virgil crossed his arms over his chest and looked away.

   “I, uh… I like your hair,” Roman mumbled.

   Virgil glanced up. “Uh. Thanks.” He’s gotten a few compliments on his purple hair. Never from hot guys.

  What the hell did Logan even have in mind when he sent them out here? It wasn’t like anything was going to happen. Clearly. They were both messes of anxiety, they were just going to stand there the whole time.

   “Are you friends with Remy?” Roman asked, desperately trying to keep up conversation. Great.

   Virgil shrugged. “I’m friends with Patton. Patton’s friends with Remy.”

   “He talks about you a lot,” he said quietly.

   Virgil furrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah?” Roman nodded.

  Awkward silence washed over them and Virgil prayed for Logan to come outside so he could strangle him. He’ll have to find a way around Patton to get to him…

   “Jesus,” Virgil finally groaned. How long could they take?

   “He probably knows…” Roman trailed off, his face red.

   Virgil glanced at him. “What?”

   “Well, uh… He probably figured we wouldn’t really talk… Easily…”

   “Logan?”

   “Mhm.”

  Right. He wasn’t an idiot- Of course he knew Logan planned this. Which means Roman’s probably not this awkward at all- Just uncomfortable with the thought of being set up with a dude.

   “Just ignore him,” Virgil mumbled. “He’s an asshole. I know you’re not interested.”

   Roman looked at him in surprise. “I’m interested.”

   “What?” Virgil’s heart slammed against his chest.

   Roman stuttered around his words. “I, ah- I’m interested. In, uh. In you.”

   Virgil’s first instinct was to say, ‘No, you’re not,’ but, God, what a dick move. Save that for later.

   He blinked. “Okay.”

   Roman deflated a little. “Are, uh…”

   “Oh, fuck- Right! Yeah. Yeah, I’m, uh…” Goddamnit. He didn’t think he’d ever been so embarrassed.

  The front doors to the school opened, Logan, Remy, and Patton walking out, heavily engaged in conversation. Roman hesitated, before stepping forward and pressing his flower into Virgil’s hand, and walking to Remy. Virgil gripped the stem, frozen, his eyes wide and his cheeks red.

  He still had to sit in the front seat on the ride home to keep himself from killing Logan, but he stayed silent the entire ride, a flurry of embarrassment, excitement, and anxiety swirling around in his stomach.

  He didn’t know what the hell to do with a flower when he got home, and he was too damn tired to Google it, so he just set it on his dresser and fell back on his bed.

   The knowledge of it sitting across the room kept Virgil up half the night; He persistently tried distracting himself, as every time he thought of Roman giving him the flower gave him a powerful surge of emotion that he just didn’t know what to do with.

   He prayed the feelings would go away soon, but he seriously doubted it.

   Fuck you, Logan.

[please-dont-hurt-me]

Who The Hell Is Kevin

Minor warning: there is a crossover because not only is this fluff, angst, but it is also crack. Day 3: Comfort.

ao3 link

“I’m just so surprised that they wanted me to lecture there.” Bruce said excitedly as he shrugged himself into the formal blazer that Tony had bought for him after one sleepless night watching binge watching Queer eye.  

“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” Thor reached over to softly wrap his hand around Bruce’s tie to pull Bruce into a deep, gentle, and loving kiss before he pulled away and smiled. “You are the leading scientist in regard to Gamma radiation and Asgardian specific Xenobiology and Xeno-anthropology. You’re so brilliant and they’re lucky to hear you speak.”

Bruce blushed but rolled his eyes. He leaned back into Thor to meet him halfway for another kiss. “Yeah, but I never thought I would be able to lecture at my old college.”

Thor laughed and tugged on his own formal attire, “That’s true but you never thought Aliens could exist and yet here we are.”

Bruce giggled as he agreed, “Here we are indeed.”

Thor leaned in for another kiss but then Bruce’s phone started ringing in his pocket. Bruce pulled the phone out and jabbed the green button.

“What?” Bruce asked rather harshly, blushing from the interruption.

“Don’t act like that, Mad scientist number 2, you told me to make sure you get out of the door. Also, did you drop Jodie off yet or is Happy just taking his time?”  Tony’s voice rang out of the phone.

Thor and Bruce groaned in unison. They had asked him to do that. But now they were kind of regretting it, though it was good that he had followed through on the promise since they might have not gotten out of the house at all.

“We’re heading out right now.” Bruce blatantly lied into the phone as he wrestled his feet into his dress shoes. “And yes we have, she’s been out of the house for the past five minutes. ”

“Uh-huh, sure you are.” Tony said so blandly and clearly unconvinced. Bruce obviously couldn't see Tony, but he could almost see Tony looking at his well-manicured nails in a sense of boredom.

Bruce ignored it and grabbed his keys from the mantel piece.  “Yeah, yeah. Well, call you later.”

He waved to Thor, mouthing ‘Let’s go’ and Thor nodded.

Tony laughed in Bruce’s ear. “Yeah, Biday nichchhi.”

Bruce huffed in amusement as he opened the door and held it open for his husband, “Bengali?”

Thor passed him and gave him a kiss on the cheek before stealing the keys out of his hand and heading towards the car.

Tony laughed again, "Ever since Hulk cursed at me in Portuguese during the last mission, I needed to figure out what else you could speak.”

Thor beeped open the car and sat in the driver’s seat. Bruce locked the door behind him and smiled. “Have fun with that, Bhalo theko.” Bruce said and then hung up. He hurried himself down the stairs and sat himself in the passenger seat.  

He turned to Thor and smiled at how ... human his husband looked in the formal clothes. Thor usually had a godly air about him with his royal armor and stuff. And while that was attractive, Bruce liked this side as well.

Thor smiled at his approving gaze but looked away to focus on the road.

“Now we take our leave, kjæresten min.” Thor said as he drove out of the driveway and to the road.

___________________________________________

Bruce and Thor rushed into the hall.

They were a bit late. Bruce will admit it. Though there was no way that this was his or Thor’s fault, it was bad traffic and bad parking. In hindsight, they probably should have gotten a lyft or whatever.

But that wasn't important, what was important was finding room 327.

They were in the right hall, Bruce was sure of it, but there were so many goddamn doors. Each one had a different number and some of them shared a classroom.

Bruce was growing impatient. And anxious. His hands were probably growing greener by the second.

“Excuse me, are you Doctor Bruce Banner?” A small voice asked, which led to both Thor and Bruce turning abruptly to see a young latina woman.  

“Yes, I am, and you are?” Bruce asked nervously, Thor grabbed his hand and squeezed his hand.

“I am Professor Alexandria Flores.” The woman smiled sweetly at Bruce before looking at Thor and seemed quite confused when she said, “Kevin what are you doing here? When I asked you if you were coming to the lecture, you said that you were going on a date? And you never told me you knew Doctor Banner.”

Bruce blinked and looked around but there was no one but Bruce, Thor, and the professor. Who was Kevin?

Before Bruce could voice his confusion, Thor step forward and greeted the professor in a very not-Thor kind of way. ” Oh yeah. About that... My date cancelled on me and Bruce here offered me to come to a lecture though I didn’t realize that it was the same event that you invited me to. Sorry ‘bout that.”

That was so put together, Bruce almost believed it. Which was weird because Thor isn't usually this good of a liar, given how he folded whenever Bruce raised an eyebrow at him at the slightest lie of omission or white lie.

Professor Flores waved of Thor’s apology. “It’s no bother Kevin, life happens.”  

Bruce looked back and forth between the two people in front of, equally confused. But Thor patted his shoulder and gave him a face that Bruce assumed to say, ‘we’ll talk later’. “We should go to the lecture hall; can you guide us there?”

“Certainly.” Professor Flores said and led the two of them to a door and into a large lecture hall.

-----------------------------------------------------

Bruce finished his presentation less focused than he had been originally. His brain just kept going back to the conversation in the hallway.  

Did she make a mistake between Thor and this Kevin? Was there a clone epidemic? Was there someone who looked like him that was being called something bland like David? Why did Thor respond? Did Thor follow some of the Avenger’s example and get a secret identity?  

Bruce felt his eye twitch with the enormous effort not to look at his Husband. What the fuck, Thor?

Originally, he had a couple more jokes in his presentation and more minutes for questions. But after the hallway incident, he made time for 3 jokes and 3 questions with decent answers, not as short as Bruce would have had if he had less self-control.

He looked at Thor and grabbed his hand, starting to walk out but ended up bumping into professor Flores. He smiled at her and hoped his teeth didn’t looked like a threat display. He had a habit of doing that when he was stressed. “Thank you, Professor, for allowing this to happen but we have to go.”

She smiled kindly at him, so he wasn’t giving her chimpanzee fuck-off face (with green veins courtesy of Hulk). Thank god that wouldn’t be easy to explain to Avengers PR (a.e Tony). “It was a pleasure Doctor Banner. It was nice to see you too, Kevin.”

Before Thor (or Kevin) could answer, Bruce pulled his arm. “Sorry, but there is something we have to get to. He’s got a doctor’s appointment at 9 in the morning and it’s already 8 pm. So, we should go.”

He didn't stay long to see whatever face that Professor Flores made.  

He dragged his very heavy husband to the car and look at him dead in the eye. “We’re going to go home, I’m going to drink a pot of chamomile tea and eat some of the fudge you made, and then you’re going to tell me who on earth is Kevin. Because right now, my bets are either on pod people or clones.”

Thor smiled, “I will.”

“Okay. Thanks.” Bruce groaned and then lightly hit his head on the steering wheel (he didn’t want to accidently honk right now, that would have been embarrassing). He shifted his head to look at Thor from the steering wheel. “Sorry for being weird in there. I just wanted to go home and figure out what’s going on.”

Thor’s eye softened. “Let’s go home and I’ll explain.”

Bruce lifted his head, nodded, and put the keys in the ignition. They start the drive back home in friendly silence until Thor turns on Npr. Bruce lets himself turn over their shared words on the familiar road home, letting them settle halfway there, and chuckling at joke on the radio.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But by the time that they’re both back home, Bruce is back to confused and slightly stressed.  

He took a breather like Thor had suggested when they had crossed the threshold. He had sat down in the large comfy couch that Thor had brought home one day. He held his head in his hand and started doing a breathing exercise.

After 20 minutes, he almost felt completely calm and then he heard a scraping sound and looked up to see Thor gently pushing the coffee table in front of him. He looked at the table to find a Hulk sized cup of tea, a pan of fudge, and a (very new) weighted blanket.

He remembered his comment in the car that was soon followed by babble about bets and pod people, and he felt himself melt into the couch. “You remembered.”

“Of course, I remembered.” Thor said softly after he had kissed Bruce’s forehead gently. “Drink this for a little bit. I put some honey in it.”

Bruce smiled while he sipped the not-too-hot tea. He watched his husband walk around the room and do various tasks, like dimming the lights and turning off the radio in the other room. Bruce smiled. His husband. God, he loved saying it and thinking that. His husband. Bruce giggled softly, not even going to deny it.

He just loves Thor so much.

Thor hadn’t always been this... perfect, when dealing with Bruce’s issues. He had become frozen before or tried to hug him. Well at first. When Bruce had explained, he was better. He had learned when to back off and when to comfort. But this, Bruce thought as he took another sip, this was a new development.

Thor sat down on the couch, though he was a foot away from him which was sweet (they had a big couch because they frequently had more than three guests over at a time). “Do you want to talk about it?”

Bruce nodded and took another sip of his tea, setting down the mug for a second, then picking up the weighted blanket and putting it over his shoulder. He picked up the mug again, taking a sip before he said, “Yeah, it would be nice to know what Professor Flores meant when she called you Kevin.”

Thor nodded softly. “I will, but I must warn you: it’s quite a long story.”

Bruce chuckled and shook his head. “Our entire life is just one complicated long story. I’m a radioactive semi-sane scientist with a habit of seeing green instead of red and you’re an alien god who can control the weather.”  

Thor chuffed and tapped the couch three times. I love you. “I know, but I warned you.”

Bruce smiled and tapped back, I love you. “I’m listening, so explain to me why you all of a sudden have a secret identity that neither Shield or your husband, me, know about and give some context into how you know a teacher at my alma mater.”

Thor bit his lip and looked up, probably trying to remember the specifics. “Okay... so you know how you weren’t here because you landed on Sakaar.”

Bruce lifted an eyebrow. “Yes. I’m very aware of this.”

Thor smiled at him and tapped again. “Okay, so before Steve meeting his brother-in-arms and The Avenger’s First Breakup (or whatever in the nine realms that was), I was bored and visited Tony. He made a reference about me being a blond man of steel. I didn't know what that was, but Steve did. So then there was a movie marathon and a lot of comic store raids.”

Bruce looked at Thor in disbelief. “So, you decided to get a secret identity after reading comics and binge watching the Superman movies? ... Even that one with Batman that Tony showed me?”

Thor clenched his teeth in embarrassment. “.... Bruce, it wasn't just that. It sounds very silly now that you say it like that. There’s more to it.”

Bruce laughed. “Sorry. Please explain why you became Clark Kent and how you know the Professor?”

Thor was quiet for a moment before saying, “The secret identity has a lot behind it so you will have to wait for how it ties into present times. But I will get to it in good time, please be patient my love.”

Bruce should not be melting this much; his husband was a health hazard. Bruce’s heart was going to explode. Bruce tried to mask how much that pet name got to him by softly saying, “I’ll try.”

Thor nodded and then continued where he left off before Bruce interrupted him.  

“And I found myself bored. Often. There were missions, but they were few and far between, our teammates were drifting and starting to lose contact with me, Jane was busy with getting a new grant and I had been explicitly instructed not to distract her, Daryll told me to leave after five months, and I was an irresponsible prince who was avoiding Asgard and my father. So, I tried asking Tony if he knew anything that I could distract me with. He was busy in his lab like he was after Ultron, so Pepper told me to act human and get a job.”

Bruce nodded, “And that’s where the identity came from.”

Thor nodded before continuing, “Pepper made it look like I was a.... how did Tony put it.... Oh yes! He called me a ‘trust fund kid working on an bachelors in the arts at some off brand Ivy league school with my daddy’s money.’ ”

Bruce laughed, that definitely sounded like Tony. “Takes one to know one.”

Thor nodded, his grin getting bigger by the minute. “That’s what Pepper said. But then nothing happened with any kind of job since I didn't know how to make a resume or know how to do anything with modern electronics. I told Darcy about it and she laughed at first but then a couple of months later, she sent me an ad for a receptionist that was made by a group called the Ghostbusters. Darcy told me that she knew one of them, Erin gilbert, a brilliant professor in Quantum physics but got fired due to a viral video and a book that she co-wrote about ghosts. ”

Thor paused there, clearly expecting a reaction.  

Well, Bruce is going to give one.

“Doctor Gilbert got fired? Ghosts? Are you sure?” He asked and raised his eyebrow.

Erin gilbert was one of his friends (or classmates, they didn’t talk much especially after January of junior year and Bruce has a sneaking suspicion that Joey was the cause of it) who was in one of his 3-hour long classes when he was working on his first degree. She was always very shy and twitchy. People seem to always make fun of her, for either something to do with ghosts or because they thought she was queer.

Thor nodded. “Yes, she did, but she ended up having a better time out of the school.”

“How do you know-” Bruce spluttered before sighing. “you took the job, didn’t you? How did that even happen.”

“She had put out an ad for a receptionist and also sent it to people she knew to try and get help. So, I ended up in a Chinese restaurant, telling them that I came in for the job and got it with my pretty face.” Thor grinned at Bruce.

Bruce laughed before lightly hitting Thor on the shoulder. “You did not!”

“I did. I was kind of an idiot at playing human. I didn’t know how to answer the phone or anything. And it was kind of apparent with how Erin kept looking at me.” Thor said and looked ... like how Jennifer always felt when a guy cat called her. “It was odd... but it ended up being fine after she and Holtz got together. But that’s not the point. I got possessed by a evil ghost and then tried to start the apocalypse. ”

Thor smiled at the last bit, so Bruce is going to focus on the other parts of that sentence. He took a sip. “... Ghosts?”

Thor nodded quite sagely, “Ghosts.”

Bruce nodded, still mulling it over. “I can see why you told me that it was a long story. Wait a second, you got possessed?”

Thor shrugged. “Yeah it was really weird, it took over my body and killed a bunch of people. It was weird, and the ghost apparently was a ‘sexist asshole’, so that was a disturbing experience.”

He blinked. Thor smiled. Bruce nodded slower, getting more and more confused by the minute. “Okay... continue I guess.”

“Uhm. Alright, so I was their receptionist before the dreams started.” Thor said and then stopped. A glassy look in his eyes.

Bruce tapped his shoulder. “The dreams?”

Thor blinked, coming back to himself. He nodded. “I didn’t know it at the time, but I started to see variations of Ragnarök. I saw Sutur, flames encircling Asgard’s highest towers, Baldur falling to the ground and staining it with blood and his eyes glazing over. I saw Loki and Heimdall fall to dust, the world eating giants at war with father, and a giant wolf eating the sun. I saw Asgard’s reckoning, so I took a pause at playing human and went to stop it. And ended up bringing it.”

Bruce put his hand on Thor’s shoulder and put his mug down. “Thor...”

Thor hummed.

“I know it’s not my fault, not entirely. But I was a part of it and Asgard had almost completed it’s fall before we arrived to stop Hela. She and her undead army killed over 65% of the realm. We saved my people from certain death, and yet... we are now so few.” He ran his hand through his short hair. That’s not a good sign.

“No.” Bruce said. He grabbed Thor’s hands and replaced them with his own two.

Thor blinked, his eye shining with unshed tears. “What.”

Bruce pulled Thor over (apparently a smaller difference than he originally thought) and pressed his forehead to Thor’s. “I know it’s probably due time for an angst fest on your end after all this time listening to me and you definitely need it. But you were in no way responsible for Ragnarök. You didn't tell Odin to cage Hela, you didn’t make the prophecy, you’ve loved everyone and tried to appeal to their better nature. I love you and you are the reason that Asgard still lives. Heimdall said that Asgard is a people, not a place. And you’ve saved them from extinction. You are not a bad person. ”

Thor sniffed and brought one of his hands out of his lap to wipe his eye.

“Thank you, my dearest love. I needed that.” He then made a face. “I was supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around.”

Bruce smiled and kissed Thor’s forehead as he intertwined his hands with his husband’s. “That’s what marriage is, supporting each other through the bits where we remember our tragic backstories like young adult characters. Now, can you please explain how this relates back to why a teacher of my alma mater knows your secret identity.”

Thor sighed and leaned back. “I’m trying. So.... after Ragnarök but before we landed on earth. It was one of the first nights where we started sleeping in the same bed and... you started screaming on the top of your lungs about not meaning to break something, and you started to turn green. I woke you up quickly, but Joey took control.”

That’s a surprise.

“He asked me for a cigarette and told me it usually took the edge off when you had a nightmare that had your dad in it. He explained something that your brain tried to forget, and he told me how he was made from violence that your father had caused. So, when you came back to your body.... I just felt so helpless. You were so close to me and was able to help me whenever I had nightmares, but I couldn't do anything to help any of you.” Thor said, looking so sad. So helpless.

Bruce made a small whimper at the back of his throat. No, he hated when Thor looked like that. It made him want to yell at whoever caused it but Bruce can only yell at himself so much before Thor notices.

Thor looked at Bruce with his singularly beautiful blue eye full of such sadness and fondness. “Don't make that noise, you know that you didn’t like to open up and I was slightly clueless on how to help. My forms of helping would have been physical contact and that’s not the best course of action given your past. ”  

Bruce keened as he forced himself not to melt. “Honey-”

But Thor cut him off.

“So, when I we got back to earth and figured out how to integrate Asgard with Midgard successfully, I asked Tony if there was anything he would suggest and he suggested taking some courses on Psychology. And I took the advice. I applied for a university that was close and got a major in Psychology and worked when you had work, so you wouldn't realize that I was gone. Professor Flores is one of my teachers and helped me with some of the technically stuff. I sometimes go back to help Erin and her friends with their work to have some spare pocket money.”

Bruce felt his jaw drop. God, he loved this sappy, handsome, thoughtful god. Forget trying not to melt, Thor would have to clean him out of the couch since he had turned into Liquid Banner. Extra radiation.

He squeezed nine times. I love you, I love you, I love you. Bruce smiled at Thor with almost lovestruck awe. “.... what did I do to deserve you, you perfect alien god with a heart made of something clearly purer than love.”

Thor smiled and used his free hand to push a piece of hair out of Bruce’s face. He returned Bruce’s delicate and gentle kiss to his forehead, like he was some fairy princess giving a favor to a knight. “You were just as you always are; selfless, kind, charming, and world endingly handsome

He keened again and grabbed Thor’s face and planted a kiss firmly on Thor’s lips before going on to shower the rest of his face. “Jesus Christ, you are so-”  

Kiss. “Goddamn sappy-”  

Kiss. Firm kiss. Oh, French kiss? God damn Bruce loves Thor so much.  

He pulled away. “I love you so goddamn much”  

Thor looked at him, smiling like Bruce had given him a constellation, hung the moon, and had gotten him a horse. So goddamn sappy. “I love you as well.”

Bruce chuckled on his way to another kiss on that perfect face.

“Wait, I thought of something funny.” He giggled against Thor’s lips.

Thor’s eye came back from his lips, still half-lidded. His voice was quite low and deep when asked, “What is it?”

Bruce pulled away a couple of millimeters and grinned, “Isn't this a conflict of interests?”

Thor groaned but then chuckled. He looked at Bruce with the same adoring gaze. "Well I’m not a licensed psychologist and you’re not my client. So, short answer, no.”

Bruce giggled before closing the distance.  

“Thank god.” He whispered against Thor’s lips and didn’t speak for the rest of the night.

[notyourprettyboyxo]

Bonfire - 2

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Billy Hargrove

Warnings: referenced abuse, swearing, nsfw

Summary: It’s been five years since the events of season two. Steve has gone on with his life and he never expected to run into Billy Hargrove who has grown since that fateful night all those years ago.

Words: 1.7k

Read Part 1

Also on AO3

Let me know what you think!

Steve got home around four in the morning and tried to sleep again, he managed two hours before he was up again. The nightmare’s as raw as the day they’d begun, seeing Billy and with the upcoming anniversary of the incident didn’t help. He woke up instantly, rigid as a board and he had to work to unclench every muscle in his body. A headache had formed from clenching his teeth for the last two hours.  

Steve sighed and sat up, he ran a hand through his hair and looked at the clock. It was only six thirty in the morning. Fuck. He needed coffee if he was going to make it through the rest of the day on only four hours of sleep in total.

He filled his day with errands, getting groceries and cleaning. Something he’d been putting off for a couple weeks but he couldn’t help but hope that maybe he wouldn’t be coming back here alone and for that to happen, he needed a clean apartment.

Before he realized it, it was almost seven and he should have already been getting dressed. He was swearing as he dug through his closet for something to wear. Bet Billy wasn’t putting as much thought into this as he was. In the end, he put on a pair of tight-fitting black jeans that he knew made his ass look great and a dark red sweater. It was October after all.

He looked over his hair quickly, good enough. It was already 7:45 and it took at least a fifteen-minute walk to get to the bar. Quickly grabbing his coat he ran out the door.

He was late. Only five minutes but Steve had always prided himself on being on time. “Hi sorry I’m late. Lost track of time.” He sat heavily down across from Billy, shrugging out of his coat he sat back and looked at the man. He was dressed in a dark blue button down, only the top two buttons undone instead of the first five like in high school. The color made his blue eyes pop even more and Steve felt a pull in his lower abdomen. Fuck this man was attractive.

Billy smirked at him, “It’s fine. I got you a beer, but I can get you something else if you want.” he gestured to the bottle in front of Steve.

“A beer is great.” Steve gave him a small smile as he grabbed the drink. Something to wrap his hands around instead of fidgeting with them.

Billy ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat, “I…thanks for coming tonight. I wanted to apologize for what happened years ago.”

“Why now?” Steve asked leaning back, his eyes narrowing as he stared at him.

“I haven’t seen you for years….and I…started therapy to handle the anger,” he said the second part so quietly that Steve almost didn’t hear but his eyes widened on their own accord.

“My dad was a manipulative asshole who took his anger out me and after that night Max made me realize I was turning into him and with her help I was seeing someone without Neil knowing,” Billy said it all without taking a breath like it was hard for him to even get the words out and Steve wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been the hardest thing he’d done. Billy wasn’t known for being honest or even open but something about that night years ago made him realize that he was on the wrong path.

Steve didn’t know what to say to the admission but it seemed like BiIly wasn’t looking for anything as he continued, “So I just…wanted to say I’m sorry. My anger shouldn’t have been taken out on you and it was wrong of me.”  

Billy looked at him through those fucking long lashes of his and Steve’s breath was caught in his throat and all he wanted to do was kiss him. He had to push the feeling down and deal with the matter at hand, he found himself nodding, “I forgive you. It’s all in the past now. You seem like a different person than the Billy Hargrove I knew in high school.” Steve reached out and put a hand on top Billy’s, which was resting on the table. He wasn’t expecting the heat to rush through him at the touch of his skin and from the widening of Billy’s eyes, he’d felt it too.

Billy cleared his throat and Steve pulled his hand away, his mind reeling, “I’m trying to change.” Billy said quietly, his hand going to wrap around the beer bottle, a blush was creeping up his neck.

Steve gave him a small smile, “I can see that.”

Billy met his eyes and one side of his mouth was up in a smile, Billy Hargrove had changed. He’d never seen anything resembling an actual smile on the man’s face. Then Billy was asking him about school and life and one topic blended into another and without realizing it hours had gone by until Billy looked at his watch and swore.

“Fuck. I’m sorry I have to go, my shift starts in a half hour.” Billy stood quickly and Steve glanced at the clock it was 11:30. Where had the time gone?

“You’re working tonight?” Steve was able to keep most of the disappointment out of his voice but apparently, some got through.

Billy looked down at him, “Yeah…weekends the best pay.”

Steve nodded, made sense, it didn’t keep the disappointment away though, “You walking?” Steve asked, standing up beside Billy. He hadn’t realized he was so close and when Steve stood his chest brushed Billy’s and he saw the man swallow hard.

“It’s only a couple blocks away. I figured I would.” Billy shrugged not meeting Steve’s eyes.

“I’ll walk with you,” Steve said and followed Billy once he’d nodded his acceptance.

They walked together in silence for a while until Billy said, “So we just go back to not seeing each other after this?”

Steve didn’t say anything for a minute, he didn’t want that. He wanted to see Billy again, something about this new Billy made him want to explore and discover, he hadn’t felt that way since Nancy. “I hope not.”

Evidently, that wasn’t the answer that Billy was expecting as his head shot up and he stared at Steve in almost muted shock.

Steve almost laughed at the look on his face, “What?”

Billy looked away again and even in the dark Steve could see him getting red, “I didn’t…I didn’t think you liked…”

Ahh. That’s what this was about. Steve shrugged, “I like boys and I like girls.”

Billy linked his hands behind his head, “wasn’t expecting that. Part of me always thought you were queer Harrington.”

“You’re not entirely wrong,” Steve said, a crooked smile on his face.

Billy looked at him, studying him, “guess not Harrington.”

The bar was just around the corner and Steve was sad to see that the walk was shorter than he thought, he enjoyed his time with Billy. Something he’d never expected to say.

They were passing the alley when Steve found himself pulled to the side and pushed against the wall. Billy’s mouth was on his and Steve’s hands grasped at the man. Heat shot through Steve as he kissed Billy Hargrove, it was all tongue and teeth, nothing refined. Slopped and hot as hell. Steve’s arms grasped Billy’s shoulders and pulled, trying to get closer to him.

When they broke apart both were gasping. Billy’s pupils were blown wide with lust as he stared at Steve, his lips swollen. Billy leaned his forehead against Steve’s, the blue eyes filled Steve’s vision, “I’ve been wanting to do that since high school.” Billy whispered.

Steve’s eyes widened, since high school? That was… five years ago. “Not bad Hargrove.” he laughed as he brushed a finger across Billy’s cheek.

“Guess I should take you on an actual date hey?” Billy asked before kissing Steve slowly.

Pulling away Steve gave him a lazy grin, “Gotta wine and dine me before you can get in these pants.”

Billy’s eyes flicked down and he seemed to lick his lips unconsciously, “I think I can do that Harrington.”

“See to it you do.” Steve pushed away from the wall, missing the body heat of the other man instantly, and reached into his pocket and took out a notebook. He scribbled his number on a piece of paper before handing it to Billy, “here, call me and we’ll organize it.”

Smirking Billy took the paper and carefully folded it and put it in his pocket, “will do. I’ll see you soon Harrington.”

He gave Steve one final look that did things to his insides before leaving, he was almost to the corner when Steve found himself calling out, “Hey Hargrove!” Billy turned around, an eyebrow quirked, “call me Steve.” and Billy let out a loud laugh before nodding. He lifted his hand in farewell before turning the corner and disappearing.

With a sigh, Steve leaned back against the wall. A date? With Billy Hargrove? There was something about the man that made Steve want him more. More than just a casual fuck. He wanted to see what made him tick. He pushed off the wall and started his way home.

It wasn’t long before he was home, lying in his bed and dressed in only his boxers. His mind couldn’t help but drift to the events of earlier that night. The way his body had pressed against Steve’s made him want more. Steve reached down and pulled himself out of his underwear, letting out a sigh as he wrapped his hand around himself. He thought of Billy’s lips and what they’d look like wrapped around his cock, Billy on his knees pretty pink lips stretched as he took Steve to the hilt. Steve thrust into his hand, imagining he was fucking Billy’s face. HIs hand wrapped around the blonde boy’s curls as he brought himself closer and closer to the edge. Just the image of Billy on his knees for Steve was too much and Steve was arching his back and letting out a gasp as he came in his hand.

Fuck he hadn’t done that in a while.

Getting up he cleaned off his chest before laying down, maybe he’d be able to get some actual sleep tonight.

[retrauxpunk]

i saw this bunch of asks and i’ve decided to answer all of them because fuck waiting for asks that’s why

billie jean: what do you notice more in a song - the drums or bassline?

probably the drums. this is embarrassing but i barely even know what a bassline is. don’t ask.

sweet dreams (are made of this): what’s the best dream you’ve had?

i was in the hunger games with ben whishaw. we were sort of allies. we were some of the tributes remaining toward the end of the game. we had this intense moment of eye contact in which we weren’t sure if we were going to kill/get killed by the other, and then we made out. fuck yeah.

africa: favourite 80s music video?

i agree with @cheapskate-bleeding-queer​, Dancing in the Street is really something.

every breath you take: who’s the first person your mind goes to when you hear a love song?

either my boyfriend or my ex, depending on what kind of love song it is haha

should i stay or should i go: how many languages do you speak?

one fluently, one relatively proficiently, and basic spoken knowledge for another

uptown girl: what’s your favourite book trope?

there’s too many! here are a few i like: allies fighting with sword-like weapons back to back; badass battle magic; characters deciding to make out as a way to hide their real agenda (e.g. trespassing); saving each other’s lives; cyberpunk/biopunk; urban fantasy; people who save the world/have magic powers but also have normal lives of school/work

don’t stop believin’: what’s the longest journey you’ve been on?

mmm... flying from sydney to london. jesus. an entire day. but it was business class, so it was pretty cushy ... the flight from germany to sydney felt much longer because it was in economy and the shorter flight (8) was first, and the second one (16 or some shit) was second, so really i was going a bit nuts.

i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me): who was the last person you danced with?

my boyfriend, at the paramore concert

maneater: where did you spend your last friday night?

hanging out at my boyfriend’s work, playing beer pong

jessie’s girl: what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex?

be incredibly shocked/surprised and upset and bitter ... and ask them why? and also chew out my ex too. but more angry at the best friend because they know how my relationship with the ex went and it’d be a real douchey move for them to get with them haha. ...thankfully this is very very very unlikely to happen.

born in the u.s.a.: what’s your home town like?

sunny with a beautiful harbour. very expensive in terms of housing. pretty multicultural, with white, asian, and middle eastern being the dominant groups (in descending order). lots of great food.

wake me up before you go-go: how did your last date go?

saw Early Man with my boyfriend at the cinema. it was nice. uneventful but pleasant, which is how things usually go when you’ve been together for years...

girls just want to have fun: relationship with your parents?

we have really different/conflicting views about basically everything, which is what happens when we’re from different generations and grew up in different cultures... #immigrantlife but they tried their best and love me and i love them even though it has been kinda rough

beat it: opinions on the police force?

a necessary institution, i’d rather have one than not have one, but has several serious endemic issues regardless of which culture we’re talking about

never gonna give you up: how old were you when you joined the internet?

around the time this was a meme haha :p ... around 12-13, when I got into message boards and post by post roleplaying.

faith: when was your first kiss?

15 for a peck, 17 for making out

i’m so excited: where was your first kiss?

outside my house for the peck, and in Sydney’s Hyde Park for making out

take on me: could you reach the high note?

absolutely not, but i make a dumb attempt anyway

footloose: favourite musical?

The Book of Mormon!!!!!!!

9 to 5: do you like country music?

I’m not sure. Maybe?

back in black: what makes a good rock song?

a strong beat! strength of instruments! a hot voice and good lyrics. makes me want to start drumming my fingers/tapping feet/headbanging, no matter where i am. i’m too crap at music to be able to give a better answer, so have that subjective one.

material girl: are you sentimental?

absolutely. i’ll bleed my heart all over your carpet and ruin your clothes. though i don’t know if that comes across for people who don’t know me too well?

walk this way: what was the most expensive thing you bought in the last six months?

probably concert tickets for me and my boyfriend ... either that or my Doc Martens

you shook me all night long: are you seeing anyone at the moment?

yup

thriller: favourite film genre and why?

I like quite a few, but probably action/thriller. I love good action movies, I love watching well-choreographed combat and general Cool Badassitude, and the dialogue tends to be peppered with fun humour too. Really good for suspense and engagement.

i want candy: chocolate or sweets?

Chocolate

ghostbusters: how far do you believe in the paranormal?

I don’t really, but I wouldn’t push my luck either.

the power of love: does true love exist?

absolutely! all love is true love. if it’s not true, it’s not love.

hungry like the wolf: what’s your crush’s favourite music genre?

stuff like Queen

walk like an egyptian: favourite song currently in the charts?

Lemon To A Knife Fight by the Wombats

(i’ve had) the time of my life: if you could relive any ten minutes of your life, what would you relive?

listening to Pink Floyd’s Time while on acid (the first time I’d tried either the album or the drug)

just can’t get enough: what’s your guilty pleasure?

I don’t really feel guilty about my pleasures?

i’m gonna be (500 miles): how far apart do you and your best friend live?

lmao. a 24 hour flight apart. about as far away as you can get

you spin me round (like a record): favourite modern cover of an older song?

i don’t know many, but the Scissor Sisters cover of Comfortably Numb as a disco hit is really good!

we built this city: if you were president, what would your first ruling be?

oh god uh I don’t know. but some stuff I’d like to make happen are: increasing taxes on fossil fuels, more protections for queer folk, making abortion safe and easily accessible, overhauling the sex ed curriculum in schools to include a lot more focus on consent and the nuances of consent instead of focussing purely on physical sexual health, increasing funding for mental health, OH BOY I COULD GO ON AND ON 

how will i know: do you believe everyone is deserving of love?

by default yes ... for people like ivan milat ... no ... so, yes, except in the extreme cases of people proven to be unrepentant and unwilling to reform after committing atrocities

nothing’s gonna stop us now: what’s been the biggest hurdle you’ve faced in your life so far?

either my own mental health RE being quite neurotic/obsessive, or a bad former partner who did some things that fucked me up. they’ve recently seemed to be truly sorry/empathetic though so that one at least will be getting better now. tbh they’re both getting better, so that’s nice!

come on eileen: have you ever written a song? if so, what was the genre?

i kinda wrote lyrics and had an idea for a melody for this ... some kind of bad sappy love song that would probably be in the pop rock category? oh god i’m so glad i have no further memory of it

living on a prayer: which was the song of your childhood?

if we’re talking pre-teenagerhood ... um ... I dunno! maybe ‘Sk8er Boi’ or Atomic Kitten’s ‘The Tide is High’ haha. as for my mid-teens ... Tokio Hotel’s ‘Der Letzte Tag’. late teens, it’d be ... maybe Taylor Swift’s ‘Holy Ground’.

sweet child o’ mine: describe your perfect first date.

meeting somewhere public, having good food and drink, excellent conversation and laughs, then going to my/their place and having more of the same, and making out and potentially Other Things wink nudge giggle wink wink nudge

don’t you (forget about me): is there anyone from your past that you regret cutting ties with?

No. HA. feels good to say that

eye of the tiger: favourite 80s movie?

i .................. don’t know if I have one

under pressure: give an example of a world event that occurred the year you were born.

Nelson Mandela was inaugurated as president of South Africa

with or without you: what would you value most: a relationship or a job?

oh my god i don’t fucking know. 

another one bites the dust: where did you achieve your biggest accomplishment?

what ... even was my biggest accomplishment ... I guess either in my school’s exam hall (getting a high ATAR), or on my apartment couch (finishing NaNoWriMo)

pour some sugar on me: turn ons?

oh boy, hmm: having the exact same ideological beliefs as me; a lean but toned body; Irish/Scottish/Russian accents (among several others); neck kisses; being clever; being very skilled at something (esp something with a physical dimension e.g. drawing, playing guitar, snowboarding, etc.); the right amount of confidence/bravado but only when I’m already into them (otherwise this becomes a 10000x turn-off) 

in the air tonight: do you enjoy flying?

YEAH BB

tainted love: thoughts on synthesisers/electronic drum kits/technology based music?

i have no problem with it and it can produce excellent stuff just like any older instrument

like a virgin: share a controversial opinion.

i hate avocados

karma chameleon: what do you like most about your appearance?

on good days, hair and face. otherwise, my body.

[araliyaintheskywithdiamonds]

I’d Kiss You With The Antidote - A CrissColfer Fic

I wrote this for a prompt asking for the aftermath of Confirmation Day and Darren’s performance of Teenage Dream in Toronto. 

Of course, since I can’t stay away from angst, get ready to read a fic that’s absolutely doused in it, but I promise there’s a happy ending. The title is my favorite lyric from Darren’s blatantly obvious CC song, “I Don’t Mind”.

Rated NC-17.

Warnings for mentions of Mia and the assistant, as well as issues with alcohol. 

Thank you my lovelies, I hope you enjoy! 

Read on AO3

A/N : I wrote this with Safe Inside by James Arthur on repeat, go listen along with it here. 

Chris had known even before he saw the video that something was wrong. Last night, he’d woken up  from a fitful sleep, sweaty and shaking, stomach clenching with a phantom ache. He’d shrugged it off, blaming the fact that he wasn’t sleeping with Darren’s comforting presence next to him, and tried to go back to sleep.

Now, as he watches his laptop screen, it’s not his stomach that clenches, it’s his heart. In the video, posted barely an hour after the event itself, Darren is hunched over the piano, the tendons in his neck prominent from the force he is putting into the song. His shoulders and thighs are tight and tensed and his expression masks nothing.

It’s breaking Chris’ heart.

He can’t bear to watch any more, to watch Darren pour his soul into their song with such sadness. He couldn’t manage last year, when Darren was performing it live for an episode of the show, and he can’t now. That song is meant to be tipsily strummed out on the burgundy couch in their living room or whispered in his ear in bed.

Not like this, not when Darren is so close to tears that the words break and his fingers slip on the keys.

Chris knew yesterday had been a bad idea, even though he and Alla had planned it perfectly, down to the last camera and clutch of fingers. His assistant had been perfectly cooperative as well, performing the charade with him with a knowing grin. Thousands of miles away, Darren had done his part too, ‘admitting’ that he was in a long-term relationship with a woman.

The two tasks were worlds apart. Chris only had to lie about who he was dating. Darren had to lie about part of his identity.

His hands fumble for his phone, mentally calculating the time in Toronto. It’s half past two in Paris, Darren should be awake by now, since he’s flying to Michigan later in the day.

The call is answered abruptly, and there is solid silence on the end of the line.

“Dare…?”

“Darren’s not here right now, Chris.”

He stiffens at the unwelcome sound of Darren’s manager’s voice on the end. 

“Where is he? Why do you have his phone?”

“He’s not in any capacity to answer the phone.”

Chris bristles with anger and disbelief as he hisses in reply, “Are you seriously trying to prevent him from speaking to his own boyfriend?”

He can almost hear the manager wince on the other end at the emphasis on his words. “He told me not to let him call anyone, especially you-”

A voice interrupts him, loud and raucous and unmistakably Darren.

“Is he drunk?”

The silence in response tells Chris everything he needs to know. “Give the phone to him. Now.”

There is a huff of resignation, a muttering of words and then suddenly Darren’s voice is on the line, familiar and comforting and home, even in its slurred state.

“Heyy, gorgeouss…”

Chris sighs, unable to stop the rush of solace that floods through his body even though he is monumentally worried. “Why are you drunk at eight ‘o'clock in the morning?”

“There was a party after the show last night? Actuallyy, it kinda started at like three in the morning, but I sstarted drinking reallyy late, but Canadians are soo nice and they kept giving me drinks-”

“You’ve got a show tonight,” Chris says softly.

“I’ll be hungover as fuck but it won’t be the first time,” Darren replies dismissively, and he can almost see him wave his hand as if he doesn’t have a care in the world, curls flopping haphazardly into his shining eyes.

Chris knows how Darren gets when he lets his thoughts run wild without anyone there for him- they fester and eat him from the inside. Darren has a penchant for drinking to forget, to escape from the gilded cage that his life has become. He’s spent countless nights after parties or events, peeling off Darren’s booze and sweat soaked clothes, coaxing Oolong tea down his throat to calm his churning stomach and curling around him protectively when the drunken laughter inevitably turns to tears.

But Chris also knows that Darren takes his performances more seriously than his life, living and breathing for the music and its audience. He wouldn’t risk tainting his show, doing only half as well over something as irresponsible as day drinking, unless it’s bad.

“Dare…”

“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” Darren whispers, suddenly serious.

Chris blinks back tears that he hasn’t known have surfaced. “I’m just worried about you. Yesterday was-”

“Yesterday happened. It’s over. I’m fine.”

There is a sudden muffled smash of glass and Chris flinches reflexively. Someone yells in the background and the line crackles.

“I gotta go. Enjoy Paris, Chris.”

He opens his mouth to say goodbye but the call’s already been ended. He stares blankly at his lock screen, an image of Darren sprawled and sated on his bed staring back at him. It feels like it’s taunting him.

There’s nothing Chris can do but wait. Darren will be busy all day (if he’s not still drunk, that is), and Chris has a conference in the 1st Arrondissement. His fingers fidget for his phone all day, itching to contact him, but he doesn’t want to be clingy- he should let his boyfriend breathe. It’s the old insecurity creeping back, the fear that he’s not wanted, that he’s being a pain, that everyone’s lives would be better off without him. Darren is the first person who’s truly made him feel loved and needed, and maybe it’s selfish, but Chris can’t lose that.

It’s midnight when Darren finally texts him. Chris is sitting in his hotel room with Alla, sharing a box of pain au chocolat and bingeing on Queer As Folk when his phone vibrates on the comforter. It’s a one word question.

Baby?

Alla raises an eyebrow at him as he scrambles to reply, and he knows it’s disapproval he sees in her eyes when she catches a glimpse of the contact name.

“I’m sorry, I-” Chris gestures down to his phone. She nods in understanding and reaches over for another pastry before turning back to the TV screen.

What’s wrong? Are you okay?

We arrived at the venue an hour ago. Everything’s going fine.

That’s good.

Can I call you?

Of course.

Chris picks up on the first ring, and Darren’s tired voice fills his ear. “Chris… god, I’m so sorry about this morning. I was stupid, and irresponsible as hell, but I just wanted to- to-”

“To forget, I know.”

There’s a soft sigh, and then to Chris’ distress, a choked sob that’s hastily disguised as a cough.

“Dare? Sweetheart, talk to me,” he urges, shaking his head at Alla when she looks at him questioningly.

“I miss you,” comes the barely there reply.

“I miss you too,” Chris breathes.

“It’s just so hard. A-after yesterday everything kind of felt finalised- we’re going to be doing this everyday for god knows how long, being apart and not getting to see each other for months on end. What happens when the show ends? What happens when we don’t have that one thing tying us together?”

Chris brings his hand up to his chest, pressing down on his heart as if he can physically stop it from hurting. “Nothing’s going to change. We’ll still be us.”

“You can let me go if you want.”

The words are so quiet that Chris barely catches them, but he does and it hurts even more.

“Stop, Dare. We’re not going through all of this for nothing. As long as I get to be with you, to call you mine, I’ll go through anything. Please believe that.”

“Okay,” Darren whispers.

“And besides, isn’t this kind of like the movies? With the whole forbidden romance and the fake relationships? We’ve got a more dramatic love life than half the celebrities in hollywood.”

Darren laughs thickly. “I don’t want a dramatic love life, I just want you.” He pauses. “When are you back?”

“Three days after you are. And then we’ve got a week and a bit together before you go off again.”

“A week and a bit.”

“Yes. So hold on, okay?” Chris tries to sound strong, tries not to let his voice waver and betray himself.

“Okay.”

“Bye, darling. You’ve got a show to put on.”

“Bye, Angel.”

Chris’ fingers tremble as he ends the call. He looks up to see Alla staring at him, her head tipped in sympathy.

“I’m fine,” he mutters, before she can say anything, probably along the lines of ‘I told you so’. He reaches for his fourth pain au chocolat and prepares to wait out his insomnia.

Chris comes home to an empty house. The light on the landing is on, and Darren’s Italian loafers are strewn across the doormat, but the air is thick and heavy with silence. He lets himself hope that Darren’s in his bed when he goes upstairs (as he should be, it’s late), but that’s empty too. Someone’s definitely been sleeping there though. The sheets are unmade (“why make the bed if you’re just going to get back into it?”), and there’s a pair of glasses on the nightstand.

Chris settles on the couch instead, unable to sleep upstairs without Darren there with him, and he curls up with Cooper at his feet. He’s prepared to wait all night, armed with cinnamon roll pop tarts and Season 2 of Outlander, but he barely makes it to the second episode, sinking inevitably into a long awaited sleep.

A loud clatter startles Chris awake. Immediately he’s up off the couch, blinking at the time on the wall (03:28) before rushing out into the hallway. Darren stands there, one hand braced against the wall, the other clumsily pawing at his shoelaces. He doesn’t realize Chris is there until he quietly pads over to him, stilling Darren’s hand so that he can untie the simple knot.

His surprise should make Chris feel thrilled, and it almost does, until the expression is quickly replaced with one of guilt.

“Chhris?”

He’s drunk. Of course he is.

Chris remains silent, stoically moving to slip the other shoe off, reflexively catching Darren by the waist when he sways and stumbles (it shouldn’t be something that’s a reflex, it just shouldn’t). He’s got something spilled down his front, the same liquid clumping his hair together, and Chris wrinkles his nose at the sharp smell of it.

He somehow finds the words to speak, to say something that isn’t ‘Why are you doing this?’ or ‘Again, Dare? Again?’.

“Come on, sweetheart. Upstairs.”

Darren complies, determinedly placing one foot in front of the other as they climb the stairs to the bedroom, taking care not to stumble as if he is trying to prove to Chris that he’s not that far gone. Chris knows better, the glazed look clouding those hazel eyes is plenty a clue. When they finally reach the ensuite, Darren turns to him, placing both hands on his cheeks and leaning their foreheads together.

“You’rre early.”

“I wanted to surprise you. What’s one more day in Paris when it’s one more day away from you?”

Darren grins lopsidedly and leans in for a kiss, missing the target and hitting the corner of his mouth instead. Chris laughs in spite of himself, shoving at him light-heartedly. Suddenly Darren’s apparent quota for voluntary motor control seems to run out, and he sways precariously, clutching the edge of the sink before he can hit his head on the toilet bowl.

Immediately Chris’ worried self comes back, and he pushes Darren to lean against the sink, setting to work on the buttons of his shirt since he obviously won’t get anywhere with them himself. He wrinkles his nose at the red stickiness of his fingers as a result.

“Ugh, what did you get on here?”

Darren looks down in surprise, as if he hasn’t even realised anything was there. “Uh, I don’t... actually know. I kindd of just took whatever Mia got mme.”

Chris stiffens imperceptibly. “Mia.”

“It was Ricky’ss idea, and anyway, she’s alwayss been a good drrinking partner.”

Chris doesn’t even bother to hide his irritation any more, roughly shucking the shirt of Darren’s shoulders and kneeling to forcefully pull down his jeans and underwear in one go. He holds them down so that Darren can step out of them.

“Get in the shower.”

Darren does as he’s told, using his hands as leverage to step into the glass stall, not before slipping on the still-wet tiles. Chris is by his side in an instant, wrapping an arm around his waist to stop him from falling yet again.

“Dare!” He admonishes. “You literally almost cracked your skull against the taps.”

“Guess that just means you’ll have to get in here with mme,” Darren slurs, waggling his eyebrows.

Chris rolls his eyes before peeling off his own aeroplane-stale clothes. He tries to blink away a memory that surfaces at the action. It’s of him stripping off Darren’s vomit stained garments after a particularly bad night, hauling them both into the half-full bathtub, and holding Darren until he fell asleep in his arms. They woke up the morning after with all the water drained out and bruised all over from the hard porcelain of the tub.

He can tell Darren remembers it too, or what little of it Chris told him the day after, and he reaches out to smooth Chris’ tense brow.

“I’m so sorry, Angel.”

Chris doesn’t reply, instead leaning around him to turn the tap on. Darren doesn’t even jump at the sudden rush of water, ice cold before it starts to warm up.

“Come here.” He maneuvers Darren in front of him, using his height to easily run his hands through his hair. The water runs pink on the tiles as he painstakingly rinses the red clumps out of Darren’s curls. Chris hooks an arm around his torso to stop him from falling and their bodies slot together like puzzle pieces. Torso to torso, connected from shoulder to ankle, it’s like an equilibrium Chris never knew he needed.

He blinks away the tears before they even surface but Darren’s worried hands are on his face in an instant, eyes wide and worried. Chris smiles thickly at how quickly Darren knew he was hurting, but he shouldn’t be surprised- the man could empathise with an inanimate object.

“I’m fine,” he whispers, when he meets Darren’s questioning gaze.

“You’re not. Please don’t pretend like nothing’s wrong. You- you shouldn’t have to take care of me like this, like I’m some sort of burden. You don’t deserve it.”

Chris shushes him with a finger on his lips. He has to be strong for the both of them, hold Darren up when he can’t do it on his own, just like he’s done for Chris time and time again.

“You’ll never be a burden to me, Dare.” He traces an eyebrow, a warm feeling settling in his stomach when Darren immediately leans into his touch, nosing at the palm of his hand.

“Sometimes I think that I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you,” Chris continues. This isn’t just for Darren, he needs to hear himself say it as well. “When I can’t get to sleep, or can’t seem to find my breath, I think about you, and you ground me. Knowing that I have you makes everything- all the lies, all the heartbreak, all the stress and pain- it’s all worthwhile. I’d give anything a thousand times over if it’s you I get to keep.”

It’s truly the best Chris can do in return, because Darren’s heart isn't just on his sleeve, it's resting right there exposed on his outstretched palm- giving, giving, giving and never expecting anything back. He was the last thing Chris ever expected and is now the only thing he needs to survive.

The lump in his throat threatens to rise even further, so he pushes it down by surging forward to kiss Darren. The rush of water from the shower and Chris’ words seem to have sobered him up a little, and his lips respond enthusiastically, tender instead of sloppy.

Chris’ mouth parts instinctively as Darren probes further, tongues slotting together with ease as he pushes Darren against the steamed glass. The sudden need for him is overwhelming and almost makes Chris’ head spin with the intensity of it. Darren gasps against his lips and there’s a rush of heat downwards, leaving him hardening against his thigh. Chris knows that Darren has noticed, if the kisses becoming more desperate are telling him anything, and he breaks away to pant brokenly,

“Please tell me you’ve sobered up?”

Darren grins, tracing circles on Chris’ shoulder. “I can recite the alphabet backwards, if you’d like.”

“You were tripping over your own feet not ten minutes ago.”

Darren tips his forehead forwards to rest against Chris’. “Yeah, ten minutes ago. I think you kissed all the alcohol right out of me.”

“That’s not possible,” Chris argues, somewhat feebly. “No one has that fast of a recovery period.”

“I spent a lot of years as a teenager mastering the art of sobering up.” Darren kisses him, once, twice, three times, each one scorching enough to send his heartbeat into a frenzy and his dick twitch against his thigh. “Now, are we going to fuck, or not?”

Chris reaches up to the ledge next to the taps, where there’s a bottle of (shower specific, silicon-based- they’re prepared, alright?) lube stashed among the shampoos and conditioners. It’s only once he’s got one of Darren’s legs hooked around his waist and two fingers inside of him is he laughing helplessly into Darren’s shoulder.  

“How did we get from practically crying to fucking in less than three minutes?”

Darren snorts and rolls his eyes as best as he can with someone’s hand between his legs. “When are we not fucking, Colfer- ah!”

Chris adds a third finger without warning, crooking them so that they’re brushing up against the bundle of nerves that has Darren whining helplessly, nails digging into the skin of his back. The head of his cock shines wetly, caught up between their torsos, and it makes Chris’ mouth water.

He drops down to his knees, keeping his fingers still in Darren’s body while he noses at the base of his cock. The skin here is softer than the skin on any other part of Darren’s body and smells intoxicatingly of him as well. Chris laves the shaft with tiny licks, working his way upwards until he’s got the tip of it in his mouth, tongue tracing the ridge. Darren jerks and his hands scrabble for purchase, one threading through Chris’ hair and the other slamming against the glass partition, the sound of it reverberating through the shower.

“Jesus Christ, baby, I won’t be able to- ah- last...!” Darren grits out, and Chris gives him one last suckle before getting back off his knees, taking his hand with him. The emptiness leaves Darren clenching around nothing, and Chris aches.

“In me- in me now, Chris,” Darren babbles, hooking his arms around Chris’ neck as he slowly maneuvers his slicked-up cock into Darren. The tight ring of muscle gives after a little resistance and they both release long breaths as Chris bottoms out. The thick heat of him is sudden and overwhelming, and Chris’ knees almost buckle with the intensity of having Darren surround him like this.

He takes a moment to let Darren adjust to the inevitable burn and stretch, and then hikes up his legs around Chris’ waist so that he’s pressed up against the tiles, steam from the shower rising around them. Slowly, slowly, Christ begins to thrust, savouring the almost pornographic slap of Darren’s body hitting the wall as they move together. Pleasure spikes up his spine and and he can’t tell if the rivulets running down his forehead are sweat or water.

Darren’s head falls back against the tile and a flush spreads down his chest, letting out a gasping uh uh uh as he squeezes his eyes shut and lets Chris take him. He’s only ever quiet during sex when it’s like this- sweet and slow with Chris leading and taking care of him.

Darren hooks his ankles tighter as Chris increases his pace, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses against his neck as he angles his hips in a direction in which he knows will hit Darren’s sweet spot perfectly. It’s sweaty and wet and messy and perfect and Chris’ thrusts grown more stilted and frantic the closer he gets. He drops one of Darren’s knees in favor of reaching down to grip his cock, which is pressed up between them and smearing their stomachs with precome.

Darren bites his lip so hard that it draws blood, and Chris leans his forehead against his shoulder as the familiar coil of heat tightens in his stomach.

“Let go, sweetheart,” he pants, twisting his hand and stroking once, twice, before Darren comes with a cry, in thick ropes between them.

It’s enough to send Chris over the edge, releasing hot and hard into Darren, and the overpowering spark of pleasure that floods through his body really does make his knees give way this time. They slide to the floor in a messy heap, delirious and loose limbed, Chris’ body curled around Darren’s as they try to catch their breath. The water’s now tepid, and it falls around them like rain, the rhythm of it against the tiles beating in time along with their hearts.

Darren’s laugh suddenly echoes through the shower and Chris looks up blearily from where he’s buried his face in Darren’s hair.

“Thank god for your biceps,” he says in explanation, and Chris groans, seeking out wet black curls again.

“You should be thanking me, I’m the one who did all the hard work.”

Darren laughs again, running his fingers up Chris’ spine to tangle at the base of his neck. A tender kiss presses against his forehead, warming him down to his toes.

“You’re the best gift life ever gave me,” Darren whispers, and Chris just smiles.