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lolokiquit · 3 years ago

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Without Me I

Word Count: 4.4k

Pairing: Jung Hoseok x F!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, smut (future chapters) I CEO au(?) idk what this should be catagorized as lol

“Tell me, how's it feel sittin' up there? Feelin' so high, but too far away to hold me.”

Without Me (Halsey)

“One day I’ll give you the world I promise.” You only allow yourself to think of him when you're drinking, only when you're drinking. In those nights where your mind is hazed with alcohol, and the guilt of everything begins to eat you alive slowly. You remember the way he used to look at you with the twinkle of the night sky or the way his eyes would crinkle whenever he laughed. You remember the nights where you whispered nothing into his ear and the days when he was your whole world. Then slowly, as those memories start to fade, you begin to recall the screaming, the way he always seemed to come home drunk with blood on his fingers, and the way you begged for him to quit. By the time the memories finished making their rounds, you couldn't stop the bitter taste from crawling back into your mouth. The morning glow outside your small apartment window has started to peek through the night sky, and you realized that you've spent yet another night lost in the man that you lost so many years ago.

"Hoseok, stop that tickles," you giggled as your boyfriend wrapped his arms around your waist. You're in the kitchen of your new home that you had just moved into, an apron on, and smiles as wide as the morning sun. It's been hard coming up with the money to finally move from your small hometown in Busan all the way to Seoul. But through all of your shifts in the convenience store to the restaurant down the street from your childhood home, the two of you had made it.

"You look like the perfect housewife," He giggles into your ear, "I promise one day when I finally make enough money to buy you that diamond ring, I'll ask you to marry me, and we'll live happily ever after," You think that this must be what heaven feels like.

Being at the fresh age of 23, you couldn't have been more naive. Everything that the world had to offer seemed too innocent, and your future with Hoseok seemed so bright. You saw a big house with a picket fence, children running in the backyard, and a loving husband in your arms.

"Yes," you think to yourself, "This is what my future is going to look like." Running your soft hands through his hair Hoseok's eyes glitter as he slowly whispers, "let's never change," mirroring his lovestruck eyes, you slowly whisper back, "ok."

Love is a strange thing. Growing up in a family where the sound of screaming and breaking glass was as expected as the sun rising, could anyone blame you for jumping at the first sign of affection you were shown? It was no surprise that the boy in a leather jacket and tattoos on his arms who promised you all of his love had you wrapped around his coarse fingers in record speed. Meeting him at seventeen, you began to think that maybe life didn't hate you so much after all. It wasn't like you had a choice. After all, his advances towards you swarmed your everyday life like cockroaches and cancer cells that infested every single part of your being. You found yourself unable to stop your doom. He became your reason for everything. You breathed into him almost as if he was the oxygen that ran through your bloodstream. You couldn't live without him.

Your friends had warned you about the boy that had magic in his eyes and sweet words on his lips telling you that you couldn't change a person like him, but you were too young and reckless to care. Maybe it was the glint of the galaxy and freedom in his eyes, or perhaps it was the lingering sense of loneliness that you felt as if the two of you shared. But at that moment, you knew you would risk it all for him.

It was an uneventful Tuesday afternoon. You stood in your local supermarket staring at the little amounts of money you had left in your hands. Your father had stopped sending his child support months ago. With your mother constantly drunk out of her mind, you and your siblings were now only surviving on the part-time job you worked at the coffee shop down the street. You slowly started adding up all the necessities you needed. Milk, eggs, toilet paper….Your brooding was cut short as the loud hooting and screaming of teenage boys filled your ears. Before you knew it, the whole store had turned into utter chaos. The group of, from what you could tell, 7 boys with guns and knives had started running around the store, looting whatever was in sight. The store manager had come out staring at the whole scenario playing out in front of him in shock. He started yelling as well, threatening to call the police as the boys simply laughed in response.

Soon, police sirens began to ring from a distance. You stood frozen solid to your spot by the tomatoes, and your shock slowly melted into fear. Were you going to die today? You didn't have much time to think when suddenly someone grabbed your hand and screamed "RUN" and started dragging you right along with him. You weren't sure if it was a pure reflex or the adventurous inner side of yourself finally showing. But you found your legs starting to move to their own accord as you began to zooming off with the random stranger.

You ran and ran like your life depended on it. The cold winter air ran through your hair, and for a moment, you finally felt like you could breathe again. As if some sort of craze has taken over you, you began to laugh maniacally like there was no tomorrow. You laughed and screamed along with the others as you continued to run. You went on without stopping until you reached the shores of a nearby beach.

The stranger finally let go of your hand, and for a moment, the world around you went still. You stood there staring at each other for what felt like forever before he finally spoke up with a grin. "Well, that was a good one, wasn't it?" He laughed as the boys that were with him also started to chuckle. You continued to stare, looking like a lost deer caught in headlights. "I'm sorry," the boy continued on. "You just looked like you needed something to spice up your life; you looked quite bored up there."

The realization that he was actually speaking to you and that you needed to form some sort of response hit you. You started fumbling for words, the shock from the previous events only now beginning to set in. "I-I yea I mean I.." you trailed off, being at a loss of words.

"It's ok, you can find the right words later. Now how about we continue on this adventure. It would be pretty pointless for you to stop now, wouldn't it be?" He replied before you had the chance to actually come up with a coherent sentence.

After a couple seconds, you came to the final conclusion that he was right. You pondered your options. You could either go home to your most likely drunk mother, who wouldn't have noticed that you had already missed your curfew, or you could take a chance for once in your life. You really didn't have much to lose, so you might as well finish what had already been started, right?

So off you went with him, getting on the back of his bike, you set off.

Riding across abandoned highways, you screamed at the top of your lungs and laughed as you've never done before. At that moment, you felt so free. The stranger promised to show you the brightest sky of stars you've ever seen in your life, and with a smile, you agreed.

You finished the night learning that the boy's name was Jung Hoseok. You memorized the stars in his eyes over the stars in the night sky. You'll never know what it was exactly that drove Jung Hoseok to grab you that day, perhaps fate? Or maybe he just needed a new play toy on that specific night. But at that moment, Jung Hoseok had become your own personal savior, a beam of light that shined down into your dying world. Whether he was an angel sent from above or the devil himself, you weren't sure, but one thing was for sure, you were in love.

But that was in the past. Now, you're stuck in a small apartment in the middle of Seoul alone, working an ok job, eating, sleeping, surviving. But Jung Hoseok, however, Jung Hoseok had become a living god. Even that in itself seemed to be an understatement. His power ran through the streets of Seoul and all the way around the world. Owning Seoul's most prominent and most influential company. No matter how you think about it, you can't seem to shake off the bubbling sense of anger. How you had abandoned your whole family, your whole life back in Busan to follow him here, to a foreign city that you didn't know. How you had stood by his side through all the questionable things he did and all the pain that he caused, only to be left on the curb when he finally decided that you were no longer good enough for him.

The truth was the fact that you had never really gotten over him. How could you? He was your world, your life, your everything. And the moment he walked out of your life, he took a part of you with him.

Sometimes you would reminisce on the old times. The days where the two of you were still trapped in that little town and had nothing else to hold but each other. Hoseok had always been the bigger dreamer out of the two of you. With his miniature gang activities within the town, he had always believed that there was something more. He wanted to see the world, to soar above the clouds, and to experience life. In fact, he was the one that had brought up the topic of Seoul first.

It was four in the morning, and the sun was about to rise as you and Hoseok lay at that beach where you had first met when he finally brought it up.

"Let's go to Seoul" the offer was so sudden, so out of the blue, that you laughed, thinking he was joking.

"I'm not joking," he starts again. "Let's go to Seoul. Let's get out of here."

"Hoseok," you say, slowly starting to sit up, "You can't be serious, can you? We're both dead broke. There's no way we can just spontaneously decide that we're going to Seoul."

You had just graduated high school a year ago and had immediately taken up several part-time shifts at places all across town to try to provide for your family. For people like you, the idea of college was merely a luxury that you couldn't afford.

“Jien-ah listen to me ok? Staying here is a dead-end road. We'll never be able to amount to anything" Hoseok stood up and started to shake the sand off of him. "You KNOW that we have to leave at one point or another. Didn't you want to go to college? We have futures. There are things out there for you to see, places to visit. We can't stay here. You know that"

You sat there, not knowing what to think. You knew deep down that Hoseok was right. You couldn't stay holed up in this good-for-nothing town forever. You had to leave. But you were scared, scared of change. The future seemed so terrifying you didn't know if you wanted to jeopardize your future more than needed.

It wasn't until weeks later did Hoseok bring up the topic of Seoul again. It was after another screaming match with your mother about her drinking habits. This time the two of you were sitting on the roof of your old high school. Your eyes were poofy after having cried out probably all of the water that was in your body when he asked the same question again, "let's run away to Seoul." This time, without hesitation, you answered, "ok."

The decision to move to Seoul with him was both the hardest and easiest one in your life. You knew you had to leave the town that trapped you. Still, the watering eyes of your siblings and the familiarity of everything around you made it so hard to leave. The hurt and betrayal that your siblings had felt the second you walked out of your run down house was enough to have you on your knees. But for once, you wanted to be selfish, to finally chase what you had wanted in life. So after much pondering and hundreds of shifts at your several part-time jobs, you finally packed all of your things in one suitcase, and you left. You walked out of that door, got on Hoseok's bike, and off the two of you drove. From that moment on, you never looked back because you knew that you couldn't. There was no longer a home that you could go to, no matter how crappy, no, Hoseok was all you had now.

Hoseok had told you before you moved that he had connections from old friends in Seoul that had gotten him a job. Apparently, this job had come with an apartment which meant that housing wouldn't be a problem. You, being the naive girl you were, never really questioned this said job and its description. Instead, you busied your first couple of weeks in Seoul, settling into your new apartment. Though it was small, it was still something that you and Hoseok could call your own. You found a job as a barista at the cafe down the street, and life began to fall into a comfortable routine.

For the first two years, the two of you were happy. Hoseok was doing well in his job, so well that two of you were able to enroll you in your nearby college, and you began to study literature. Hoseok never really discussed his job with you, claiming that he didn't like to bring work home. You never really asked either, accepting that his work was the only part of him that he likes to keep to himself. You busied yourself with work and school, you were finally able to live the life you had spent years being envious of. You went to college, made friends, had nights out, and had an amazing boyfriend that loved you. There was simply nothing that could bring you down from the high you were from. Little did you know that it was only the beginning

You set your steaming mug of hot tea on your nightstand, thinking fondly back to the years where your future had seemed so bright. Everything you could've imagined and more. You were finally on the right track, a college degree, hopefully, a good job, a stable income, and maybe children in the near future with a man that you loved. You had slowly begun to lose your edge, you no longer felt sorry for yourself, and slowly, you were starting to believe in the statement that as long as you work hard, you'll be able to reach the goal you had always been so desperately longing for.

But like most good things in your life, they don't last.

It's your fourth year in Seoul and your third year in college when you start noticing the shift in Hoseok's behavior. He left for work so early in the morning and came back so late that you almost never saw him. He seemed to come home later and later each day. The two of you no longer ate dinner together, or baked cookies, or watched your favorite movies, hell, you had barely had a proper conversation in weeks. He wouldn't reply to your messages, once again using work as an excuse, and never picked up your calls. It almost seemed as if you were dating a ghost.

Even though the whole situation made you feel uneasy and as if you were put on the back burner, you never brought it up to him. You were a coward. You were petrified because a part of you deep down knew what this meant, that he had lost interest. You don't blame him though, the two of you had been together for so long there was no longer anything new or exciting. He didn't take you on motorcycle rides anymore. Being in a large city like Seoul, there were no beaches to explore and no abandoned highways to see the stars from. He no longer had the time for you, and you knew it.

Hoseok's job had gotten even more important as time had passed by. He had been promoted and had been making more money than you could have ever imagined. Your little apartment had been traded in for a penthouse that was too big for you and no longer felt like home. Your wardrobe was filled with designer that you weren't used to. Hoseok had gotten rid of his leather jacket and motorcycle and traded them in for a Mercedes and expensive suits. He no longer smiled at you like the sun, and whenever he did smile, it almost seemed forced.

But you never bought any of this up; you simply greeted him with a smile and kiss whenever he had the time. Your mind would often wander off to places it shouldn't go; perhaps he was cheating on you? It wouldn't be hard for a man like him to find women that fancy him. He probably had millions lining up wanting and wishing for some of his attention. He was no longer the scruffy boy that took you on adventures and swore to protect you from the rest of the world.

There were days where you would lie on the king-sized bed you shared with your close to nonexistent boyfriend, thinking of the better days. The days where the two of you were cramped in that small apartment, the days where he would help you with dinner and almost burned down the house, the nights where you talked about everything and nothing at the same time. You ran your hands around the ring attached to the necklace that rests perfectly on your collarbones.

You were slowly stirring the boiling stew in your kitchen while anxiously stared at the clock. Hoseok should've been back hours ago. He hadn't called saying he would be late, and in the years you had been together, Jung Hoseok had never been late without calling. You were worried. It had been close to a year since you've moved to the big city, and life was going pretty well. Granted, there were still days where you and Hoseok struggled with the bills and had arguments like any other couple. But the two of you were living your dream lives, and it couldn't have been any better.

Right as you were about to get lost in your own daydream, Hoseok came bounding in like a kid on Christmas day.

"Hey, why didn't you call? I was so worried-" before you could finish, you scolding Hoseok had already folded you in his arms with a bear hug.

"I love you," He mumbled into your hair. "You know that, right? That I love you?"

"Of course I know. Jung Hoseok, is this your way of trying to get out of trouble? I swear-" But before you could finish the cut, you off again by whipping a small red box out of his pocket, and you gasped.

"Don't worry, I'm not about to propose to you in the middle of our kitchen," He laughed "that would be kind of lame. But this is for you" He opened the box and in it was a beautiful diamond ring. "I've been saving up for months. This isn't an engagement ring. It's only a man-made diamond. But one day-" He pointed outside your window, "I'll buy us a penthouse in one of those buildings in, and I'll really get down on one knee, then I'll ask you to marry me. But for now, this is just a promise ring. I promise one day I'll marry you." He looked up at you expectantly after his long speech. You were staring back at him with tears in your eyes as you choked out a simple "ok."

The two of you held each other for what felt like forever until you smelled something burning in the air, and you realized that the stew you had on the stove was now burnt.

You can't help but smile as you think back to those bittersweet memories. It's been over 4 years since Jung Hoseok has made that decisive step out of your life. But you still wore that necklace as a reminder of the better days. The days where the naive little girl in you still believed in love. When you still believed that as long as you gave in a relationship, you would surely receive.

You're smarter now; you've grown up. You no longer believed in the sweet words of others, and you no longer fell for sparkling eyes. Jung Hoseok had ruined that for you. You were rougher around the corners, and deep down, you knew that perhaps your story with him wasn't as special as you put it out to be because, in the end, you were just another one of his chapters to his never-ending story or girls. But sometimes, you liked to try to convince yourself that you had been something more. You can't help but think that maybe, you could've been something more.

It's midnight, and you've already had an entire bottle of champagne to yourself. Hoseok wasn't home, but that was no surprise. He never was. You laughed quietly at how pathetic you had become. Since when were you one to not speak your mind? But now, here you were terrified out of your mind at the notion of bringing up fears to your boyfriend, who, keep in mind, was supposed to be the one that you were to trust the most, he was supposed to be your home, he was all you had left. But no, you were a coward that was terrified of being alone, so you never brought it up in fear that he would leave you.

The front door creaked, then opened, and in walked Jung Hoseok in all of his broken glory. An expensive Armani suit `bedazzled with gold cuffs adorned his toned figure, paired with Louis Vuitton slippers and his newly acquired stoic expression. If you hadn't known any better, you would've mistaken him to be one of the born elites that the two of you used to despise. But you knew, you hoped and prayed that deep down, somewhere where light could still reach, the boy with shaggy brown hair that looked at you instead of the night sky still existed. That perhaps he was just a little lost and needed some coaxing to come back. Those were the thoughts that kept you sane as the past couple of months had unraveled.

Slowly you stood from your stool and made your way towards the front door. Hoseok was in the process of hanging up his trench coat when he noticed your presence, almost immediately freezing after the realization. There was an unexplainable tension in the air, a silence so thick it could've drowned you both. The two of you stood in front of each other. Either of you dared to utter a word. It was almost as if you both knew that once the conversation started, you would no longer be able to go back to pretending that everything was ok again. After what seemed like hours, you were the one that made the first move, maybe it was the alcohol in your veins that prompted your next words, but at that moment, with all the pent-up anxiety and hurt, you no longer cared. Mustering up all your courage, you finally asked him the question that you had been dying to know. "Do you still love me?"

Deep down, you both knew that the end was inevitable. You both wanted different things now. While you were still envisioning white picket fences and running children, Hoseok had started to see more. He wanted power and control, he wanted to be known, to be respected, and he knew that all of that would have to come at a price. He was selfish, he didn't want to have to choose, no he wanted to have both.

It's three in the morning, and Jung Hoseok stood on the roof of his million-dollar penthouse. The wind was blowing, the skies dark, signaling the arrival of a storm. As Hoseok starred up into the seemingly endless sky, his own storm brewing inside his head. The world underneath him seemed so distant and small, almost ant-like. Compared to his inner hurricane, all the Honks and raging cars of the rush hour seemed practically serene.

As expected, he started hearing her calling out to him from a distance. She whispered his name, soft and gentle, like the waves by the beach she used to love so much. Hoseok would often hear the voice in the distant winds. It was as if she was so close, just in hand's reach. But whenever he reached out to grab her, she would disappear again.

She was the air he breathed, the drug that he couldn't cut, and if her love were the ocean, he would willingly drown in it. He would do anything just to escape this endless wondering and meaningless life of counting off the days. He would do anything to be able to breathe again. Without her, he was colorblind; his world became a black and white movie that he couldn't quite wrap his head around. Because if we were honest, what was the point of a prince charming without his princess, and what's so heroic about the knight in shining armor without his damsel in distress. Without her, he meant nothing, and his life was meaningless.

Perhaps that was what it was meant to be all along, a tragedy, another pair of star-crossed lovers that bit the dust.

#jung hoseok #jhope #hoseok x reader #hoseok fluff #hoseok angst #hoseok fanfic #hobi x reader #j-hope x reader #bts hosoek #hoseok x oc #bts jung hoseok #bts jhope

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lokisasylum · 3 years ago

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Tagged by @corkytheguar thank you, dear!

who was your first favorite artist?

I’m pretty sure it was BUSH, No doubt, Disturbed, Nonpoint, Staind, Korn and Skunk Anansie since my brother listened to her often.

who are your current favorite artists?

BTS, Halsey, The Anix, Chase Atlantic, but I still listen to Ill Niño, Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed and Nonpoint if they put out new music. The rest seem to have disbanded (like holy shit, didn’t know Adam Lewis the former lead vocal of Staind went solo and sings Country music now @o ).

are you into musicals? which ones/why not?

Aside from RENT and Kinky Boots, I don’t think I do.

are there songs you consider so special you only listen to them very rarely?

Hmm... I guess there are simply songs you can’t listen to in certain places. For example “Love Myself” by BTS is a song that I prefer to listen to in the car but only at night because I know I’ll start bawling my eyes out especially at the part that says “I’m learning how to love myself” and I just dont wanna deal with the family asking “Why you cryin’???”.

what's your preferred way of listening to music? (time of day, medium, situation)

I listen to music pretty much 24/7 and no matter what I’m doing. Although the time where I can actually ENJOY it is in the car, from an MP3 player (no ads, no bullshit, just music) with earbuds on.

what would you say is the most niche music you listen to?

I’m... not sure..

what's your favorite music related movie/tv show that's not a musical?

I don’t watch neither movies or TV so I can’t say I know any.

favorite albums?

I will die defending The Most Beautiful Moments in Life pt1 &.2, as well as WINGS’ position as the best BTS albums. Also Breaking Benjamin’s “Phobia” (2006) and Disturbed’s “Asylum” (2010) are both Godtier albums and no you will not change my mind on that.

albums or playlists?

Lately I’m more into making playlists. Though I try not to get too crazy about putting more than 30 per list, otherwise I dont listen to it.

whose music do you find overhyped?

🥴tbh... i have no idea how billie eilish got all the grammys she did last year (Saaaaame).

Honestly, most artist from her time as well as the ones that came right after. Like... WHAT is their deal?

what's an underrated song?

I think there’s a few of Chase Atlantic songs that are super underrated and deserve more praise. And from BTS I think “Dead Leaves”, “Path”, “Sea” and a lot from RM’s first mixtape.

is there an artist you're trying to get into?

Not really, no.

what's a thing a bunch of songs do that you love every time?

Crescendo, moment of silence, hard crash into the drop. I just like it. (SAME)

what's the worst song of all time?

Any song from that regueton genre is TRASH and not in the positive sense. Like fuck B*d Bunny for example, he’s a hypocrite who knows people will eat up anything he throws at them as long as he makes it look like he’s being “inclusive” and “edgy”, or “thinking outside the box” for dressing like a clown. But at the end of the day he’s just singing the SAME trashy, sexist crap that any other people from that genre (because I refuse to acknowledge them as “artist” and “composers” when all they sing about is drugs, sex, oversexualizing women [some have even sung about having sex with minors], gun violence or all 3 at once. There’s 0 individuality).

what song is better acoustic?

“Unravel” by TK from Ling tosite sigure (a.k.a. the epic Tokyo Ghoul theme), "Broken Heart of Gold” by ONE OK ROCK (this one hits HARDER), “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots, “Wicked Game” by Stonesour, “Zombie” by The Cranberries, “Glycerin” by BUSH and “Graveyard” by Halsey.

do you put individual songs on repeat? if so, for how long and how often?

Until I get sick of them LOL

headphones or earbuds?

I used to HATE earbuds and would always have the big DJ like headphones, but then one Christmas my mom gifted me a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas ones and yeah... can’t live without them now.

do you make your own playlists? if so, what's your most entertaining playlist title?

I do make my own playlists! Currently have 37 of them for different motives (writing, halloween/autumn season, songs for gloomy days, for fanfics, ect). I think my most entertaining playlist is “HANGSANG GANG” and “Sexy Playlist” lol

do you always sing the lead vocal or do you harmonize sometimes? if you harmonize, do you ever invent your own harmony?

I either follow the lead vocal or sing like atleast 3 demons have possessed me. There’s no in between.

I'd like to tag: @utopiajeon, @parkandblues , @i-like-plain-rice, @lacuslie , @sherwynphilip

#tag #tag game #music tag #to my moots

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launenji · 4 years ago

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Center of Your Universe - A KNJ Fanfic | Ch 1

Pairing: idol!Kim Namjoon x idol!Reader

Status: Ongoing

Word Count: 4567

Genre: Rivals2Lovers. Fluff. Eventual implied smut and angst. Slow burn. idol!AU

Summary: It’s 2019 and Kim Namjoon is conquering the globe with his Bangtan brothers by his side. However, BTS can’t seem to shake their top girl group rival from chasing their names across music charts and award nominations worldwide. Now, the boys have no problem with that in any way; in fact they’ve come to respect the girls of HELIOS and their never ending climb to fame that seemed to match their own success. The only real “problem” Namjoon sees is that HELIOS’ confident, fearless, and overall badass of a leader seems to absolutely hate him. And as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it does keep him awake at night.

A/N: I have this fanfic cross posted to Ao3 which you can find here. I’ll also have a tag list going for those who want to be on it, please let me know! First couple chapters are probably going to be a lot of world building but I promise it’s worth it lol Tagged: @jinjccns Prologue | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3

Chapter 1: The “Once More” Era April 2019

One of the many things you can admittedly appreciate about prepping for a music performance is the hustle that’s thrown into it. Normally the constant movement between rehearsals, dressing up, interviews, and performances would stress out any other idol in the studio. But for you, it keeps your mind busy; knowing exactly what you have to do next after finishing another task. It’s easier that way, it doesn’t make you dwell on the “unnecessary.”

Unnecessaries that included how BTS' new song Boy with Luv featuring Halsey smashed both viewing and streaming records just hours after its release, and the numbers are still climbing.

You sit in your reserved dressing room, eyes glued to the tv’s live feed of BTS’ comeback stage which was being recorded somewhere on the other side of the studio. Sumi is seated on your right, irritation practically steaming off her with her arms crossed and face twisted in a slight scowl. “It’s good.” She grunts. “Too good.” You agree. Sumi throws her head back and lets out an exasperated groan as the boys change positions with smooth movements, and you can’t help but slump in your seat and whimper. You and the girls watched the music video for Boy with Luv the day it came out and immediately knew BTS landed another hit. You even nearly bawled the minute you saw Halsey on screen, one of your all time favorite artists, watching her dance and sing along with the boys. Not only did it hurt knowing BTS bagged another instant hit before your group, but collaborating with THE one and only Halsey? Now that’s just unforgivable. Although you probably should’ve seen it coming. This was a long standing trend ever since HELIOS’ debut; no matter how popular and well received your music may be, BTS would always manage to be one step ahead of you. You and your girls worked for years putting out enough record breaking tracks to reach fame at a global level, yet BTS was still placed right above you in every single category. That in itself irritated you to no end.

The wonder of why your group couldn’t measure up always nagged you at the back of your head. Every time you and the girls felt like you've created the next smash hit that could take you all the way to the top, BTS always managed to swoop in and steal the number one spot. To say it hurt your pride as a leader was an understatement; some days it absolutely crushed you, feeling like you’ve let your girls down time and time again. It was another “unnecessary” that you tried to keep yourself from dwelling on; you push so hard to be the best leader yet your efforts aren’t ever enough.

However it wasn’t like they didn’t deserve it, you knew as well as every other idol group that BTS worked extremely hard to get to where they were today; HELIOS did and accomplished the same thing after all. But deep down, you just couldn’t find it fair knowing that you and the girls busted your asses just as much only to come second place every single time. You sigh, watching J-hope and Jungkook move to the center to sing their parts. In reality, you really couldn’t be mad because that wasn’t fair to them. As HELIOS’ fame grew the same rate as BTS, you’ve come to actually get to know a few of the boys in passing. Some of them, like Jungkook, were actually extremely sweet to you and the girls, and they were also fun at parties, so why should you be mad? They weren’t assholes and you liked all of them. Suddenly the camera pans to RM as he moves forward for his solo rap, and your expression immediately turns sour. Well, almost all of them. Sumi immediately turns to look at your face once she sees RM and snickers. The disgust for your rival leader was no secret between your groupmates, and they’ve grown to make a joke out of it every chance they can get. “I still don’t understand why you don’t like him,” Sumi rolls her eyes. “You hardly ever talk to him.” “He’s enemy number one, that should be reason enough.” You growl, moreso towards the sight of Kim Namjoon dancing on screen.

Now you know that’s not true; you being petty over another leader's success shouldn’t get your panties in a twist every time you see him—but it did. You couldn’t help but sit and seethe at the mere sight of him; scrolling through post after post of how “Kim Namjoon is amazing” or “inspiring” or “so sweet and caring for ARMYS and the boys yet exudes such daddy vibes I just wanna get down on my knees and-” you get the picture.

Kim Namjoon was the best leader taking BTS to the top of every single chart in the world, and you could never measure up.

Okay, so you were petty and jealous and the only way to channel your frustrations without throwing yourself down a hole of anxiety and despair over your preconceived failures was to hate on your rival leader. Was it healthy for you? Probably not. But was it easy for you? Sure.

The door to the dressing room swings open for Yuna to waltz in with Hyojin bouncing in behind her, both noticing the tv and the tension in the room. Yuna huffs, placing her hands on her hips and leans over to give a disapproving look through her younger member’s peripherals. “You two need to stop doing this-” she wags a finger at yours and Sumi’s form before gesturing to the tv, “-whenever you see them on tv.” “But unnie it isn’t fair!” Sumi whines, vocalizing your shared displeasures. “Why do we even bother to drop our music the same time they do!? We all know we’re just gonna come in second for all the awards!” Yuna shoots her a dirty look for the childish attitude before grabbing the remote and clicking the tv off just as BTS’ performance ends. “You know why we bother, we do it because this is our passion and it’s for our HALOS.” Sumi pouts and bows her head feeling guilty at the mention of your fans; of course she knows it’s for the fans, your HALOS who stood by you from day one. Hyojin comes from behind to throw her arms around Sumi’s and your shoulders, shoving her head between you two with a bright smile. “Yuna unnie is right, comparing ourselves to the boys shouldn’t keep us from working hard and performing our hearts out.” You pat your maknae’s hand, acknowledging her supporting words.

“We know Hyoji, but you can’t deny that it sometimes does piss you off knowing that no matter what, the boys always come out on top.” You throw a pointed look at your eldest. “You too Yuna.” At the vanity, Yuna flips her hair in response before combing her hand through it.

“So they’re songs have charted the Hot 100 a couple times and they got something-million views on their MVs.” She waves her hand dismissively, “That still doesn’t change the fact that we’ve accomplished the same thing, and despite us not coming out on top all the time, that’s worth something to appreciate.”

You and the rest of the girls give in and nod in agreement. As much as you don’t want to fully agree, Yuna was right. Not many idol groups have come as far as you have, and the fact that you were basically on the same level as BTS being considered as global phenomenons, you really don’t have room to complain about anything.

But most importantly, you go through all of this because of your fans, a fact you should never forget. Suddenly you feel the guilt pool in your stomach.

“Besides,” Yuna continues on. “By the numbers, we’re just as good as BTS. People around the world are listening to our songs and giving us recognition for our hard work. We’re even getting collab offers just like them!” At this, a stupid smile grows on her face, most likely recounting their collaboration track with Shawn Mendes for their comeback album; which was doing really good on the charts. You cock a brow at her through the mirror. “Yeah but Shawn Mendes is no Halsey.” “Maybe not, but he is extremely cute.” Yuna sighs dreamily, cupping her cheek and staring off into the distance. “Yeah, Camila Cabello thinks so too.” You interject into whatever wet daydream Yuna was currently experiencing.

You fondly remember how Camila glared daggers into her head while watching you all working in the studio with Shawn. Apparently there was something going on between the two of them that hasn’t been publicly addressed yet. Why else would she get so pissy at your elder member hanging off of Shawn’s arm during your session? “You know he’s like, a lot younger than you, right? Sumi points out, Yuna’s face suddenly drops as she’s pulled out of her fantasy. “What? He is not, there’s no way.” “Unnie, he’s my age.” Hyojin confirms, presenting his Wikipedia page on her phone to Yuna’s disbelieving face. “WHAT!?” She snatches the phone away and scrolls furiously, prompting you and the other girls to laugh.

Yuna had a bad tendency of lusting after men who were a bit younger than her until finding out their actual age, thus becoming a running gag to address her as “the cradle robbing cougar” much to her chagrin.

Your laughing fit eventually subsides as her words replay in your head. Yuna did have a point with her speech about being proud of accomplishing as much as BTS over the last couple years. But it made you feel worse when you realized that you, their leader, should’ve given that speech instead of sulking and feeling bad for yourself. You shake your head and compose yourself; you need to start stepping up as a leader more often, it was your role after all.

“No but really, Yuna’s right.” You suddenly speak up, halting the jokes.

“About what? Her not being a cougar?” Sumi questions, causing Yuna to sputter. “That’s because I’m NOT!”

You roll your eyes, continuing on with your awesome leader speech of encouragement. “No, I meant her lecture about us being proud of what we’ve done. We have come so far, so why should we let anything else bother us? BTS or not, we’re considered one of the top selling Kpop artists in the world- no, in history!” The girls, losing all interest in teasing their elder, smile in affirmation to your words, prompting you to go further. For added dramatic effect, you hop on top of your chair with your hand on your hips and chin high, garnering their amused attention.

“So as proud leader of HELIOS, I declare we not be discouraged by a mere male idol group who may stand in our way to achieve musical greatness, but to be motivated by our dear HALOS in order to beat the shit out of them and make our way to the top!”

“YEAH!” The girls shout in concordance, pumping their fists in the air.

With your grin expanding, you hike your booted foot on top of the chair’s back, dramatically pointing to the sky. “And we WILL reach groundbreaking heights as we smash not only every single record established by our proclaimed rivals BTS, but smash the proverbial glass ceiling of musical entertainment as we prove that we strong and fearless women can do anything we set our minds to!” “Yeah! Because boys are pussies!” The room bursts into instant laughter at Sumi’s sudden remark and your confidence is restored once more. Jumping down from the chair, you look through teary eyes at each of your members with a fond smile; ugly cackling and loudly snorting in stark contrast to their beautifully dressed figures for their turn on the stage. It reminds you that you also have to stay strong for them too. There’s a knock on the door before a staff member pops her head in with a clipboard in hand. “HELIOS, you’re on for the pre interview in 5.” The laughter dies down as you all begin to get serious. You gather the girls in a circle for one more pep talk before walking out. “Alright, we discuss the concepts of the album in the interview, we kill our performance, and we go home and stuff our faces. We got this?” Your girls give their nods. “Cool, hands in.” You all pile your hands in the center for your group cheer. “Remember, for the HALOS and for a kick ass time! 1, 2, 3, Always and forever-” “Shine on!” You break and cheer on your way out the door, game faces on and ready to conquer the stage. The producers usher you and the girls the way to your interview room as BTS rounds the corner from the other end of the hall. By respectful default, you and your group give your greetings and bow quickly as you pass each other by. At the last minute, you lock eyes with Namjoon as he trails behind his own members. Quickly look down, you give a brisk bow to him before moving past him to keep up with your group. “Hey!” The sudden call behind you makes skid to a stop and whip your head back. Namjoon is turned your way with a smile on his face, dimples indenting his cheeks. “Good luck out there, okay?” He offers with a small thumbs up.

Without thinking, you scoff and roll your eyes. “Sure, as if we need it.” you sneer, flipping your hair over your shoulder and turning back to catch up with your members. Namjoon’s smile and hand drops at the sight of your retreating figure. Once again, you blow him off with your bitchy attitude; he even made sure to put extra effort into his greeting to you this time. His features pull together in a scowl as he stands in the hallway in disbelief. What the fuck was your problem?

He’s only pulled back to reality as he feels an arm swing across his shoulder and his maknae come up to his side, patting him in comfort. “Better luck next time, hyung.” Jungkook consoles his distraught leader, guiding him back to the direction of their dressing room. The two are the last to walk in as the rest of the boys occupy different corners of the room to decompress. “Hey, someone toss me the remote.” Hoseok requests, catching it easily as Jimin throws it his way. Hoseok takes his place on the couch next to Seokjin and Taehyung and turns on the tv, the music show’s broadcast filling in the silence of the room. Jungkook moves to take an unclaimed chair near a wall socket to charge his phone, leaving Namjoon to sulk on his own. Seeing this, Yoongi takes his seat next to his leader, placing his hat on the younger’s head and pulling down over his eyes. “What’s wrong?” Namjoon grumbles incoherently, ripping the hat off and tossing it to the side. Yoongi arches a brow at the sour attitude before addressing the room. “Can anyone translate for me?” “He’s pissed because Y/N was a bitch!” Jungkook replies from his side of the room, scrolling through his phone. Namjoon snorts at this. Yoongi sighs and folds his arms. “Tell me what happened.” “What’s there to tell? I tried to be nice and she basically told me to fuck off.” Namjoon deadpans, glaring at the tv as your face appears for the pre interview.

“So that’s it?” “That’s it.” “Alright, so forget about it.” Yoongi sums up, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes to relax. “If she’s gonna be a bitch then let her be a bitch, that shouldn’t be your problem.” However Yoongi’s statement falls on deaf ears as Namjoon continues to watch the broadcast in irritation. Your interview carries on as your group discusses the main theme to your newest album and the song you’re about to perform. Something about you addressing the hosts with a bright smile and cheery laughter sets him completely off, especially since not too long ago you snubbed his efforts in being civil with you. “Joon, let it go.” Yoongi repeats, still resting with his eyes closed. Namjoon lets out all his frustrations in a long sigh. Yoongi was right, he had to let it go. If you weren’t going to play nice then that was your problem, he shouldn’t have any qualms about you and your shitty attitude, especially when he knows he didn’t do anything wrong on his part. Looking back up, his gaze catches your face once more as you finally introduce your title track “Once More.” “It’s a different approach to our usual style, but I hope you all enjoy the song and the album too!” You finish off your interview, beaming proudly with a bow before being sent off to prepare for your comeback stage.

Namjoon clenched his jaw, everything about you looked so... fake. As if everything you said and did in front of a camera was rehearsed just as perfectly as your choreography. Well, you were a dancer, right? Is this how you’ve developed your on stage persona? By choreographing some perfect blend of confidence and pride to create this perfect little alter ego? Was the whole badass leader schtick a complete ruse for your fans before turning around and acting like a bitch to everyone else? Well that couldn’t be it, because the only person you’re bitchy to is him and him alone. Just what the fuck was wrong with- “Namjoon! Seriously, chill out.” Yoongi snaps his head towards him with a glare. “I wasn’t doing anything!” “I can literally feel the tension radiating off of you. Whatever Y/N said or did isn’t worth your time. Let. It. Go.” With that, Yoongi falls back into his prior resting position.

Namjoon sulks further into his chair. “He’s right y’know.” Jimin agrees as he pulls up his seat next to him.

“But I am chill! I’m calm. See?” Namjoon points to himself. “Isn’t this the face of pure serenity?” Jimin’s mouth twitches slightly, holding back a snort. “No.” Namjoon’s face falls, completely unimpressed. Jimin only laughs as he claps a hand on his shoulder. “For the last ten minutes we’ve all been watching you try to burn holes into Y/N forehead with your eyes.”

Namjoon blinks, then looks around the room to find all the other members shaking their heads in agreement. “You’re lucky we’re only watching her through a screen, if she were really here you’d probably kill her with all that glaring.” Taehyung notes, stealing one of Jin’s chips and blatantly ignoring the complaints that come with it. “Do you really hate her that much?” “I’m not the one who hates her, she’s the one who hates me!” Namjoon whines, letting his body collapse in his chair in defeat. He was starting to get tired of this back and forth of his issue with you. “So why are you so bothered by it now? I mean I know you’ve complained about it before, but now it’s been really getting to you.” Jimin questions, brow cocking at his leader's pathetic looking state. Namjoon pauses, suddenly realizing that it was true. Ever since he watched that Knowing Bros episode with his sister a few weeks back, you giving him the cold shoulder never really crossed his mind until now. He even told himself from the beginning not to bother getting hung over you because his members were right; there was no point in doing so. You had your own life to worry about and he had his, and you’ve made it very clear to him that you didn’t want any part in it. “Well, I believe-“ Jin begins as he stands up, taking his bag of chips away from any more prying hands. “-that this is the beginning of a budding romance story!” The whole room—save for Yoongi being too unbothered to lift his head back up—stares at Jin and his sudden declaration, Namjoon scoffs in disbelief. “Now what makes you think that this is some sort of love story? Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said?” “Never say never.” Jin smugly remarks, sending a wink towards him. “But I didn’t say-” “This is a classic playing-hard-to-get scene! The only reason why you’re bothered about her so much is because this is a ploy to get under your skin long enough for you to notice her.” Jin accompanies his deduction with a grand gesture of his arms. “And by the looks of it, it’s finally working.” Namjoon just stares at him, dumbfounded. The rest of the attentive boys start to laugh. “Hyung, you can’t be serious.” “I am serious! Stop laughing at me!” Jin scolds the younger ones with an accusing finger, only making them laugh harder. “Regardless if this is some sort of twisted love story, which- Jin hyung? You really need to take a break from the dramas.” Hoseok speaks up with a knowing look towards the eldest before continuing. “You have to let this stop bugging you so much, y’know before it gets unhealthy and your brain explodes from all that tension.” “Thanks Seok” Namjoon mutters, eyes squeezed shut as he pinches the bridge of his nose. Hoseok grins before turning his attention back to the tv. “Oh hey look! They’re on!”

Hoseok punches the volume up button a few times as the lights dim and the music starts. The stage is set up with a nightclub backdrop as the camera slowly pans to the four girls sitting at the bar set in the back. On cue, they all down a drink and jump into their song. All the boys are taken aback, understanding what you meant by a different approach to your usual style as the song begins. The melody didn’t flow like your normal fearless girl power pop anthems; it was more of a club banger, fitting perfectly with your stage set and outfits. The catchy beat has most heads in the room bopping to the bass as the choreography and lyrics bring it all together with a sexy vibe. Literally. “Wait, are they talking about having a one night stand?” Taehyung suddenly realizes, piecing together the meaning of the lyrics as your group brings it back to the chorus. Namjoon leans in, trying to listen closely. Sure enough, your lyrics do imply having a one night stand and requesting for another round of fun “once more.” His focused expression turns into bewilderment when he finally puts it together himself, especially after witnessing your slow body roll and wink to the camera. No. This is what you meant by a different approach. For years HELIOS have produced strong tracks that encouraged female empowerment, loving yourself, and putting oneself first before anything else; a key component in their rise to success. It brought about a strong wave of a younger generation utilizing their music as their own personal theme songs of self love and confidence. But this, this was a completely different approach. Not a lot of girl idol groups could pull off the sudden switch to embracing sexuality in their concept record; and even if they could, there were less that could actually keep the image up without backlash. But by the looks of the views and ratings, your newest album and all the tracks on it were record breaking hits. Namjoon remembers the day the album dropped and HALOS took to every single social media site, overrunning the internet with extreme reactions; some overly delighted, some dramatically sobbing, some asking for the girls to literally step on them; to which he hadn’t understood why until now. Focusing his attention back to the performance, his eyes fall on you. Clad in an all black ensemble, your dress hugged your curves in the right places and showed enough skin to get the imagination going. Deep red lips pull into a sly smile as you sing promises of what you could offer should your gentleman caller decide to come knocking on your door later tonight, and honestly Namjoon can’t help but to think that this was definitely a good look on you. While you normally sport outfits that made you look strong and powerful, this new concept made you look enticing and playful while still retaining your key characteristic of a badass you were well known for. He shifts a bit in his seat, pants feeling slightly tighter under your gaze through the tv. Before he knew it, your group wrapped up the song with a strong ending note and the studio crowd going wild before the screen cuts to black. The seven boys sit in silence, quietly processing what their rivals have brought to the table. “That was, uh...” “...different” “Well I liked it.” Six heads snap towards their youngest member, who hadn’t said anything since they’ve returned to the dressing room. Jungkook notices the long pause and looks up from his phone to see all eyes on him. “What?”

“You liked it?” Jin questions incredulously. “Why wouldn’t I like a song that has four hot girls begging me to bang them one more time?” Jungkook grins and wags his eyebrows, causing everyone else to let out an exasperated groan. “Oh shut up, I’m kidding! Y/N and Sumi told me about the album and their concept the other night while we were at the bar. They really worked hard on this album and it looks like it paid off, so yeah I like it.” Jungkook explains himself, casually shrugging.

“Wait, you're friends with them now?” It was Jimin's turn to put the kid on the spot. “Since when?” “Since Y/N taught us how to shotgun a beer, she’s pretty good at it.” As proof, he turns his phone to the group, displaying a group selfie of his 97 liner friends plus you and Sumi photo bombing in the back. “Wait what the hell is shotgunning a beer?” Taehyung asks. “It’s an American thing, Y/N said she learned how to do it in- hey my phone!” Jimin swipes Jungkook's phone away, ignoring his childish whining to get a better look at his selfie with you in the back. He snickers as he zooms in on your face. You have a purposeful stupid expression plastered on your face as you and your group mate try to squeeze into the frame at the last second. Namjoon peers over for a second before pulling out his own phone to occupy himself.

Regardless if anything about you didn’t make sense to him, the one thing Namjoon did know was that he needed to stop obsessing over you. Unlocking his phone, he looks down and immediately feels himself go red as last page that was up on his phone flashes in front of him. It’s your Instagram page with a selfie of your bright smile you took earlier today in your dressing room by the looks of it.

He scans the room quickly to see if anyone else noticed his reaction then swipes away your profile after confirming he was good. He makes a promise to himself to start ignoring you once he deletes all searches for your social media accounts.

#bts fic #bts rm #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #namjoon fluff #namjoon fanfic #rm fanfic #namjoon fic #namjoon au #bts rm x reader

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apollo-writes-random-shit · 4 years ago

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omg!! please please please do gasoline with race!!

Ahhhhhh! Sorry, this took so long! I wrote this like three or four times and I’m still not 100% happy with it lol. I did some research and it turns out the song is actually about Halsey’s struggles with mental health while being in the spotlight so I used that but don’t worry! This has a happy ending!

Song requests

AO3 copy

Are you insane like me?

He was pretty sure every kid at some point had wanted to be famous and here he was. Gone from causal dancing to acting and singing, all thanks to a small show that had been secretly visited by a talent scout. Multiple doors had opened for the young teen but with the fame came extreme expectations and with those expectations came extreme stress.

Everything seemed to be dictated by his manager, one William Snyder. As grateful as he was for the jobs Snyder had landed him, he was driving Race insane. Every single little thing was scrutinised, from the things he ate and drank, to even his hairstyle when he went out. His smile had to be perfect every time to 'keep up his image' but it got tired having to look perfect all the time.

Don't get him wrong, he adored his fans but at the same time, he wished he could go out without being stopped every five minutes for photos and videos, being made to repeat lines constantly.

Been in pain like me?

Every day left him exhausted, even if he had only been shopping. Everything had to be perfect to make sure he avoided any bad publicity. He was still young so why ruin his career so early?

Sighing, Race stared at his schedule. Countless practises for both dances and an upcoming audition filled every day, leaving him with almost no time for himself. He had only a few hours after evening practice and he knew he'd spend most of that sleeping.

He could already feel the pain that would come with everything. Today's practise had already wiped him out, body flowing with pain. After being scouted, Race had discovered muscles he didn't know existed thanks to the pain that came with the job.

However, he could deal with the physical pain but the mental pain? Not so much. He knew the others were getting worried about him but it didn't stop him from following all of Snyder's strict rules...Even if it caused him to throw up some mornings and night before practice.

Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?

Well, he followed most of the rules but Race liked to have fun, even if that meant drinking some nights, whether it be cheap beer or expensive champagne, he'd take it, only to pour whatever remained down the drain the next morning in shame before scrubbing his teeth to get rid of any hint of the alcohol that was forbidden.

That's what he was currently doing, letting the taste of his toothpaste take over the taste of morning breath and expensive champagne. Rising the toothbrush, he chuckled softly as he licked his lips, savouring the artifical taste of bubblegum. Despite the event happening over a week ago, Race could still see Jack's face when he walked out of the bathroom carrying it. He knew he wasn't a kid but that wouldn't stop him from buying the 'kiddie' toothpaste, no matter how 'disappointed' it made his older brother.

Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?

Walking out to the kitchen, he noticed the damp paper resting on the table, causing him to shake his head. He had spilt a little of his drink on the table and mopped it up with the closest thing which appeared to be the bill he opened last night.

Not that it mattered, he could still read it which meant he'd be able to know who to pay. That and he had read it last night and despite getting drunk, his sharp mind still remembered every word.

He would concern himself with that later, instead focusing on making his breakfast smoothie before rushing out that door, hoodie pulled over his head to hide his face in the short run down his driveway. Sure, no one was around but that didn't mean he wasn't paranoid about being spotted. He already had to deal with stalkers and so far, none of them had found his house and he'd like to keep it that way thank you very much.

Softly singing along to the radio, he grinned to himself as set off, heading towards the dance studio. Sure, Snyder was going to be there to see his progress which meant he'd have to work harder. At least Romeo and Tommy always gave him good criticism instead of berating him when they taught him a new move. Even in Tommy Boy would jokingly kick his feet into the right position while telling him to keep up. Out of everyone he had been taught by, the two were his favourite. Tommy would teach him the dances while Romeo took care of the acting and like almost everyone, they thought Race should get rid of the man.

Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me?

Shaking the thought out of his head, he pulled into the car park, flipping his hood back up before speedwalking inside.

It was only when he got inside the studio that he relaxed, something that always happened. Sure, most of the time sometimes he'd walk out and there would be a small crowd outside the building which he found awkward considering he was still all sweaty and smelly. There was only so much a towel and deodorant could do until he had access to a shower. Sure, the dance studio had showers but honestly, Race didn't like them. He also felt awkward showering in a building where his fans might find a way to sneak in. He might love his body but he didn't feel like having nudes of him spread across the internet where anyone could access it.

"Damn, look who finally showed up."

"I'm late by one minute Tommy Boy. Traffic was horrible."

"Whatever, warm-up you dork." The Australian chuckled, scrolling through the playlist, trying to decide which routine to have his friend start with. Subtly, he clenched his jaw as another presence filled the room. He really didn't like when Snyder was in the studio but unfortunately, he had no say. He knew the man liked to see that his client was actually making progress. Sure, some of his dancers would have their manager show up occasionally but Snyder came twice a month to take notes on Race before taking the teen to the side to lecture him, almost like he was trying to undermine everything he had been taught. He really hated him in all honestly but hey. He couldn't fire him, only Race could and considering the number of gigs Snyder had landed him, he doubted he'd be let go anytime soon.

Race shook out his limbs after stretching, pretending that he didn't sense the tension between his manager and instructor. If he ignored them, he could actually focus properly. He had learnt during the first few sessions that Snyder had sat in, that if he let the tension distract him, he'd slip up and get a long lecture about how he had to 'focus more if he wanted to nail a role'. So, he just pretended to be alone, letting the music flow through him. As cheesy as it sounded, Race liked to pretend that he was one with the sound. The noise was his dance partner, the leader of the pair. He followed its gentle coaxing willingly, allowing it to control every step.

It gave him a high that nothing could replicate, no matter how hard he had tried in the past. Dancing gave him something that he couldn't explain. Something that couldn't be described. He was addicted to it.

He allowed himself to come to a stop, his partner leaving him with a gentle caress and smile. Race grinned at himself in the mirror, slowly coming down from his high, allowing himself to relax, calmly walking over to his duffle bag, yanking his towel out before wiping his face off. As much as he loved dancing, he didn't like the sweat that came with it.

Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?

Tommy's compliments were cut off by the clearing of someone's throat and the two turned to look at Snyder who was lounging in a chair in the corner. "Your turns were sloppy Higgins. You fell out of a few turns, your feet weren't pointed during one of your jumps and your arms looked strange. You need to work on those."

"With all due respect sir, I believe he did quite well."

"Clearly you weren't paying close enough attention to your student Manchester. We all know he can do better. If he nails this video, even more doors will open for him and surely you want that for him."

"I do but."

"Then you'll allow me to critique my client. I want what's best for him after all."

Race sighed. "I'll work harder. It's okay." Sure, he knew he was overworked as it was, but he could always try harder. There was always room for improvement after all.

Tommy just shook his head, knowing what Snyder wanted was a fat paycheck. Race wanted to please everyone and that included Snyder, even if the man pushed him past the point of breaking. Once discovering that Race had an empty basement, Snyder had pushed him into turning it into a mini studio for extra practice and would often visit to watch and offer more 'corrections' when really, he spent most of the time on his phone, only sparing glances up at the mirrors, pushing the teen to almost the point of collapse before lecturing him at the way he had become so wobbly. He didn't care that the boy was tearing himself apart in hopes of earning the praise he had been craving all his life. Race lived to entertain people and so far, he had failed to fully impress Snyder.

Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me?

Buttons sighed as he listened to the faint sound of music, vibrating through the wooden floor. He was there to do final adjustments to Race's costume for the video tomorrow and wasn't surprised that he'd be found in the makeshift studio. Whispers floated around not only Race's friends but some of Buttons' friends in the clothing industry. Race seemed ready to fall apart and it was a waste of talent. He was being pushed too far and from Buttons had learnt, had recently been pushed into modelling as well, taking up even more of his time, leaving him more exhausted than normal.

Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me? And all the people say...

Shaking his head, Buttons headed down steps, rapping on the door to inform the other of his presence, watching as he stumbled slightly. Race had been sucked into the whirlwind of fame, dragged into an uncaring industry, one deadset on farming out copies and copies, ones that would give them the cash they craved.

It destroyed every member they took in, ruining their minds and bodies until they were dumped, left to eventually fade away, replaced with a newer shiny version. As famous as someone was, it was surprisingly hard to be remembered. Making something that everyone remembered for years to come might be somewhat easy, but having your name in everyone's mind for years? That was much harder.

Fame was a dream for a lot of people but that dream would turn into a nightmare quickly.

You can't wake up, this is not a dream, you're part of a machine, you are not a human being.

Buttons loved seeing his work in videos but looking at the way his crafts looked on Race's skinny shaking body made him feel sick.

"Really. You need to take better care of yourself."

"Gotta look my best Buttons." Race just grinned, brushing off the concerns like normal.

"Tony seriously. Everyone's telling you the same thing. You need to eat more." The tailor shook his head, scanning the other's body to spot anything off with it. "You always look ready to collapse and you're shaking!"

"Buttons...I'm just following what's set out for me."

"Don't you think it's going a bit far?"

"Nah. It's fine. After all, it could be worse." Race just shrugged, holding his arms up when prompted.

With your face all made up, living on a screen.

While talking to Buttons was always fun, Race was relieved to see him leave. Whenever he spoke to someone alone, they always told him to drop his manager. That he looked like he was five seconds away from being rushed to the nearest hospital.

It didn't help that Snyder had become stricter later, criticizing his body and form more than normal, not caring that he was breaking his spirit. He was one of many, easily replaceable in the mind of the industry, something that Snyder liked to remind his client of constantly, claiming that it was 'in his best interest that he followed everything to the letter', forcing him to practise harder whenever he strayed from the harsh guidelines he set out.

Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline.

Requesting time off just brought another lecture. Hell, Race had to beg and fight to be allowed to take his birthday off and out of everything the man had done, that's what pissed Race's friends and family off the most. Jack had been close to demanding the man's address or phone number, only for Davey to stop him. It was no secret that Jack and Snyder had bad blood, disagreeing over what was best for the dancer/actor. Jack had known him all of his life while Snyder had only known him for roughly two years.

Race hated the relationship between his manager and older brother but did his best to never let it trouble him. He desired to be on his A-game at all times after all and any form of tension would throw him off, only causing him to work harder than any other day. Snyder constantly likened him to every other young celebrity out there, reminding him all the time that he was replaceable, that he had to work harder if he wanted to keep up with the industry. That he was...Already stumbling behind.

I think there's a flaw in my code.

The man acted like Race wasn't trying at all...That all the hours he put in meant nothing. That Race was acting like he 'didn't care about his job'. Like he was...Broken in some way and that strict behaviour just increased when he had handed him a slip of paper given to him by a professional. A diagnosis for depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. He hadn't been super happy to find out that his client was mentally ill and that the paperwork even pointed out that he was overworked and just pushed him harder.

Voices pushed at him from both sides. Drop him some said. He's working you too hard others chimed in. You need to work harder if you want to succeed in the industry kid one kept saying and for some reason, he kept listening to the single voice, despite the fact he knew he wasn't meant to. He needed to drop him and he would, after this music video and movie audition though.

Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold.

Race sighed, shaking his head. Focus Higgins. In a month, you can find someone new. Darcy, Bill and Kath can find you a new one. He stretched, smiling at himself in a mirror. He'd be okay, he could last a month.

He pretended Snyder's not so��subtle jabs at his diagnosis. The man hadn't been pleased when he found out about Race's ADHD, clearly 'trying' to hide the way he felt about the whole thing. That he didn't think Race was 'unstable'. That he was 'broken'.

Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me? Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?

He growled in annoyance when he fell out of a turn again, glad he was alone. It wasn't his fault he was so stressed! He was being pulled at every end, each person claiming they just wanted the both for him. With his mental health 'issues' dumped on top of that, Race wanted to scream and tear his hair out. He hated this. Hated the worried looks from his friends and family. Hated the harsh tone from Snyder used when he was giving him 'constructive' criticism.

He wasn't at fault here! He was just trying hard so why did it seem like everyone was trying to pull him to their side? Sure, what he was doing wasn't the healthiest but he had to work hard to keep up with the fast pace workforce. Sure, he could stand to gain a few pounds but he could always do that later.

Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me? Pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me?

"I'm just worried Race..."

"I know Jack. I know you hate Snyder, that he's an asshole, that you think he's ruining my life. But, without him, I wouldn't have gotten so many gigs."

"Tony, please. You need to drop him. You don't look healthy, you're never able to go out anymore, you're being worked to the bone." Jack frowned as he looked at his brother. "I get that you love your job but you need to take time for yourself as well."

"Look. I'm already planning to drop him after this audition...It's just a month Jack. Please. Give me that and I'll drop him."

"Promise? I'm sick of his bullshit Tony..."

"I promise."

And all the people say, you can't wake up, this is not a dream.

"Again."

Race nodded, restarting the music before throwing himself into the dance again.

"You're distracted, Higgins."

"Sorry, sir. Just got a lot on my mind lately..."

"You need to focus. If you don't you'll fall behind and fail. Restart."

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on a screen.

Race honestly wasn't sure if Snyder even knew what he was talking about when it came to his dancing but still, he took his words to heart, letting them crash through his weak walls again as he started the dance yet again, letting the music wrap itself around him, allowing it to bring him both a familiar rush and familiar comfort.

The comfort that came with the music was his favourite kind of comfort. He never had to seak it out. Never had to send a text or make a call. All he had to do was press a button and it was there, ready to hug him and bring him a calm distraction from whatever was bothering him, sometimes wiping away any tears that would run down his cheeks, drawing a watery smile from him.

Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline.

"What the fuck do you mean you're firing me? I'm the one who got you this damn role! You would be a nobody without me Higgins and you know that!"

Race looked at the man's angry face. "Leave my house, Snyder. We're done here. While I am thankful for the work you have done, I need to focus on what I feel is right for me and I believe what is right is us parting ways."

"You're making a big mistake Higgins. I can ruin your damn life! I got you that role and I can fucking take it away from you! You'll regret this! I'll fucking leak your damn address!"

I think there's a flaw in my code.

"You can not ruin my life, Snyder. You even try and I'll make sure everyone knows what you've been doing. I'll let everyone know how hard you've pushed me. How you've forced me to dance right after throwing up. Believe me, Snyder. I can and will let them know. I've dealt with this for too long."

These voices won't leave me alone.

"You've let those people poison you! They know nothing!"

"Romeo and Tommy have been working in this industry for years. Longer than you have and I trust their judgement."

"I'll get their places shut down!"

"Keep talking Snyder...You're just digging yourself a bigger hole."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

Race smirked, holding up his phone. "I've looked up the laws. We have a one-party consent law here meaning I can record this conversation without your permission and that's what I have done. I recommend you leave now."

Snyder scoffed, storming out. "You'll regret this!"

"And you'll regret being so strict! Goodbye William~"

Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold.

#apollo's shitty writing #newsies #buttons newsies #buttons davenport #Snyder #Snyder the spider #Jack Kelly #Race Higgins #Racetrack Higgins #Tommy Boy #Romeo newsies #song fic #racetrackhigg

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madeofsplinters · 4 years ago

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Fic playlist: In The Faces Of Our Children

I think this is the weakest of my “Playing With Fire” / “oh my god they were co-emperors” playlists. It’s just not very... musically cohesive, I think. If you want a lot of different songs about people struggling with difficult relationships in a way that fits this particular fic, though, then here they are.

The fic: In The Faces Of Our Children

Listen along: [Spotify | YouTube]

Unions - Afraid of the Dark

Tell me how deep have you seen Through the dark that follows me

Our opening song. At the beginning of this story, Luke meets Vader; Vader meets Luke. Whether they're going to be able to bear each other, or even understand each other's truth, is another question. Vader certainly appears to Luke, at first, as nothing but a shadow.

Taylor Swift - this is me trying

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

Vader... really is trying. Very hard. He made a lot of progress in the last fic! He came to terms with a lot of his trauma and made his first baby steps towards righting some of Palpatine's wrongs! He also spent a lot of time hallucinating about a ghost, tried to kill himself, and then ran off and kidnapped his son from the middle of a Rebel training activity. He's a mess, basically. I enjoy getting to write from a mess's point of view.

Sam Tinnesz (feat. Zayde Wolf) - Man or a Monster

It's so hard to tell which side you're on One day is hell, the next day is the dawn

Luke trying hard to figure his father out, and maybe also Vader trying to figure out himself. It's not intuitive for either of them!

Carlie Hanson - Hazel

But you're acting like you're somebody else Like you're losing yourself

Tarkin's phone call with Vader. He is trying very hard! To be a supportive evil boyfriend! While also running the galaxy! But even Tarkin is looking at Vader's recent behavior and being like, dude, WTF. (The singer's frustration with her friend not picking up the phone maps, in my head, to Tarkin's frustration at the fact that Vader just DISAPPEARED for most of a day, immediately following a suicide attempt.)

Hayley Kiyoko - Demons

Don't bother me, my misery It's holding me Won't let me speak

Vader continues wrestling with his mental illness and being very difficult to live with. (There's even a line about lava in this song, it's perfect lol)

Marshmello (with Halsey) - Be Kind

Wanna believe, wanna believe That even when you're stone-cold, you're sorry

Luke feels a hint of remorse and a capacity for caring in Vader's mind, but if that's there, then why is he... well, being Vader? Mysteries abound.

CHVRCHES - Graves

Do you really expect us to care what you're waiting for? When you're high in your castle Keeping an eye on the door

This song works from multiple perspectives in this story, I think. It's Leia, reminding us that she is in the story too, and that there are bigger things at stake here than whether Luke can satisfyingly reconnect with his father. It's Luke, protesting incoherently that the Empire blows up planets, when both of his new father figures seem to think he shouldn't trouble himself about that. In a very strange sideways way it's also Tarkin, trying fruitlessly to remind Vader that the Rebels, including Luke, are not merely wayward children but political threats to the Empire. So much of this story is about personal relationships, but the political backdrop will not allow itself to be ignored forever.

Tones And I - The Kids Are Coming

We got to clean up the mess you've made Still you don't wanna change

This is supposed to be a song about Gen Z but now it's Rivoche and Garoche's, especially Rivoche's. Vader and Tarkin may think they know what ought to happen with their family, but all three of their offspring have a different idea. I just needed a peppy little song that encapsulates at least some of the ridiculousness going on at the Imperial Family's big dinner party, and this delivers.

MXMS - Salvation Hurts

There's a shadow at your door It's a reckoning, reckoning

I really just picked this one because of the title, which is as good a title as any for, as the tags say, a "long slow painful redemption arc."

Linkin Park - What I've Done

For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends

Vader's big turning point.

Hidden Citizens (feat. Tim Halperin) - Don't Speak - Epic Trailer Version

I really feel I'm losing my best friend I can't believe This could be the end

Okay I have no excuse. Well, one excuse. It's a pandemic and Spotify got me briefly hooked on incredibly cheesy ~cinematic covers of pop songs and I heard this one at precisely the wrong time. Anyway, it got wedged into the playlist because it's now associated in my brain with the moment Tarkin realizes Vader's going to side with the Rebels. As over-the-top as it is, it really is just about that earthshaking of a moment for him.

Klergy (feat. Valerie Broussard) - The Beginning of the End

Reckless behaviour Is looking at a man Like he was a savior

Paired with the previous song. Tarkin reflects on when his relationship with Vader could have gone wrong.

Within Temptation - Firelight

Isn't it strange that love is in the way? It never goes away

I really like the two singers of this song, one having sacrificed everything else for the sake of "truth," the other preferring "truce." Leia is certainly on the "truth" side. But things aren't always so simple. Even as she disowns Luke from the Rebellion, she can't completely disavow what he's done for them. Even as she distances herself from Vader, she can't help but notice how earnestly and poignantly Anakin's old Jedi lineage wants him back. No one can fully sever their emotional connections here, even in the face of problems that are seemingly irreconcilable. (In another of those weird sideways ways, Tarkin might also echo the sentiment in this song, as he realizes he still loves Anakin despite what he sees as Anakin's betrayal of what the two of them stand for. Although, see the next fic re: how that works out for him. :-\ )

In This Moment - Legacy

I will lay my hands on you to ease your pain I will sing to you, I will guide you for everything

These last two songs were both originally supposed to be about something else, but as soon as I heard them I was like, "That's a Luke and Vader song." This song, explicitly an invocation of one's ancestors, is where Luke truly sees enough of Anakin to extend real empathy to him, commits to being with his father and to supporting him in his redemption. The two of them have come a long way, and have a long way still to go. (Maybe it should have been immediately after "What I've Done"; I've gone back and forth about that a little.

Taylor Swift - Daylight

I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night And now I see daylight, I only see daylight

This song - arguably the whole album it's in - is basically Taylor Swift writing her own redemption arc, so it's no surprise that it works almost perfectly as a song of Anakin's love and gratitude to Luke. I love how it contrasts the "crimson red," tempestuous love that the singer always expected with the "golden," unconditional one that has been offered. I love the ending. It makes me happy.

#fic playlist

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laniebby · 5 years ago

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hi! i’m cora and i’m so excited to be here and to write with everyone! i’m 24 and live in the est timezone, but i’m on at weird times because i work night shift. this intro will probably suck, so i’m sorry in advance LOL also ignore my crappy edit lol im a picsart biiitch

the tarot

meaning: high priestess is a card of mystery, stillness and passivity. this card suggests that it is time to retreat and reflect upon the situation and trust your inner instincts to guide you through it. things around you are not what they appear to be right now. upright card: spiritual insight, hidden talents, intuition, things yet to be revealed, mystery reversed card : secrets, information withheld, ;ack of personal harmony element: water ruling planet: moon

the basics:

name - lanie sierra reynolds age: twenty face claim: madison bailey zodiac: aquarius dorm: carstone house

the aesthetics:

BABY OUTFITS, FRESHLY PICKED FLOWERS, A SONG ON THE WIND, SUMMER NIGHTS, ART GALLERIES, BEETHOVEN’S SYMPHONIES, UNOPENED PRESENTS, THE PANIC OF A NEW MOTHER, NEW FAITH, LOVE, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, MESSY HAIR, NOTICING THE SMALLEST THINGS, VIVID DREAMS, EYES FULL OF STORIES, LONG HUGS, DEEP CONVERSATIONS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SHADOWS FROM CANDLE LIGHT

the biography:

lanie’s entrance into the world was a chaotic one. a storm blew threw the town and knocked down trees and power lines. roads were blocked and piled up and lanie was born in the backseat of the family car.

as a child she was pretty quiet and kept to herself for the most part. she didn’t have a lot of friends and she was really okay with that. she liked playing with the people she made up and the younger neighbor kids. she didn’t care if the kids in her class called her weird and didn’t play with her at recess or sit with her at lunch.

her home life was not very ideal. her father cheated on her mother on more than one occasion and though he tried to keep it a secret, the whole town knew. her mother knew, of course, but she still loved him and hated the idea of being alone. neither of them believed in divorce, so they stayed unhappily married. lanie swore she would never live like that. she hated the idea of living a lie for all of her life.

as she got older, she came out of her shell. she spent her middle school years joining clubs and sports and made friends with all types of people. she wasn’t necessarily popular, but she was that girl that everyone knew in some way.

she still thinks high school was the best years of her life. she had such a good time, and honestly a little too much fun. she spent her days studying and doing homework and spent her nights sneaking out her bedroom window to go to parties or to meet boys to kiss in the backseat of a car.

she was actually a really good student, as well. she made straight As and always had high test scores. she ended up graduating the first semester of senior year and started college the following spring semester.

her relationship with THE STAR was a complicated one. for the longest time, she loved him so much. the relationship was everything she dreamed of and more. it was healthy and nothing like her parents. as time went on, things got a little worse. they would fight and make up and break up and get back together. that was their typical cycle for the longest time. their last fight was the breaking point, however. lanie couldn’t take anymore of the back and forth. it broke her heart that the person she once loved the most was now someone she hated.

she found out she was pregnant just less than a month after the breakup and she really didn’t know what to do. it was an internal struggle for the longest time, but she couldn’t keep it secret forever. she told evangeline first and somehow her best friend convinced her to join the church she had been skeptical of her whole life. she never felt a connection to god before, but being pregnant gave her a whole new perspective on life. she still doesn’t trust the church completely, but she thinks they mean well.

through all of this, she really became close with JUSTICE. they were the person who was there for her through the hell she went through in her relationship with THE STAR. she fell in love with them and it almost felt a little selfish. now with helena missing, who was such a sweet person, she doesn’t want to hurt them anymore than they’re hurting already. more than anything, she doesn’t want this relationship to end the same way her last one did.

the thoughts:

YOU JUST WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR BABY. AND ACCORDING TO THE HIEROPHANT, THAT MEANT JOINING ROSE’S THE SECOND YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT. SO FAR YOU HAVE NO COMPLAINTS — EVERYONE IS INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE, PREPARING YOU FOR WHEN YOUR SPECIAL DAY COMES, INVESTED IN THE WAY YOU LIVE. IF ANYTHING, YOU COULD ALMOST SAY THEY LOVED YOU TOO MUCH, TRIED TO HELP YOU TOO OFTEN. AFTER ALL, THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN BUYING YOU DIAPERS AND GIVING YOU A STRICT MEAL PLAN YOU CAN’T STRAY FROM. IT’S OVERBEARING, YES, BUT THEY JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE THE BEST, AND YOU’RE NOT USED TO THAT. SO YOU’LL TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO BUCKLE UNDER THEIR PRESSURE.

the connections:

THE HIEROPHANT - BEST FRIEND; IN ALL THE TIME YOU’VE KNOWN THEM, YOU WERE UNSURE OF DRINKING THEIR KOOLAID. NOTHING COULD BE AS PERFECT AS THEY CLAIMED IT TO BE — NOT RELIGION OR PEOPLE OR ANYTHING ELSE — BUT YOU’RE BEGINNING TO DOUBT YOURSELF. IT MAY TURN OUT TO BE CLOSER TO PERFECTION THAN YOU THOUGHT.

▶ FRIENDS - LAUNDRY DAY

REMEMBER BEING THAT KID ON THE FIRST DAY THAT ALWAYS HATED THAT IT WAS THE FIRST DAY, BUT THAT’S THE DAY WE MET

▶ MALIBU - MILEY CYRUS

HERE I AM NEXT TO YOU, THE SKY IS SO BLUE ▶ THESE ARE MY FRIENDS - LOVELYTHEBAND

▶ THESE ARE MY FRIENDS - LOVELYTHEBAND

THEY DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THEY DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO, NO. THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, I LOVE THEM

THE STAR - EX; THEY’RE THE FATHER TO YOUR CHILD, SO YOU AREN’T SURE IF YOU CAN EVER HATE THEM AS MUCH AS YOU WISH YOU COULD. IT ENDED BADLY — VERY BADLY — BUT YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP WITH BOTH OF THEIR PARENTS. EVEN IF YOU CAN’T STAND THEIR GUTS.

▶ JULY - NOAH CYRUS

FEELS LIKE A LIFE TIME, JUST TRYNA GET BY WHILE WE’RE DYING INSIDE. I’VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS WRONG, LOVING YOU BEING ON

▶ EASTSIDE - BENNY BLANCO, KHALID, HALSEY

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I FELL IN LOVE, WE USED TO HOLD HANDS, MAN, THAT WAS ENOUGH

▶ NOT IN THE SAME WAY - 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER

WE FUCK, THEN WE FIGHT, THEN YOU CALL ME A PSYCHO. I WALK OUT THE DOOR BUT YOU WON’T LET ME LET GO

THE DOOR BUT YOU WON’T LET ME LET GO JUSTICE - CURRENT RELATIONSHIP; THEY WERE COMFORT WHERE THE STAR WAS ANGUISH, THE PERSON YOU LEANED ON THROUGH EVERY FIGHT, EVERY LATE NIGHT CRY SESSION. WHEN YOU WERE PANICKING ABOUT OFFICIALLY BEING BROKEN UP, ABOUT RAISING YOUR BABY ALONE, THEY WERE THERE FOR YOU. IT ONLY FELT NATURAL TO TAKE THIS STEP, BUT SOMETHING JUST FEELS OFF.

▶ MOONLIGHT - ARIANA GRANDE

I NEVER KNEW, YOU COULD HOLD MOONLIGHT IN YOUR HANDS TIL THE NIGHT I HELD YOU

▶ CVS - WINNETKA BOWLING LEAGUE

I’M AT EASE, AS QUIET AS SUBURBAN TREES WHENEVER YOU GET AROUND ME

▶ VOLCANIC LOVE - THE ACE

I GET THE FEELING, YOU WORRY ‘BOUT ME WAY TOO MUCH

the wanted connections:

friends turned enemies enemies turned friends exes cousins study buddy new friends unlikely friends unrequited love flirtship hateship literally anything!!

#atonedintro

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breanime · 6 years ago

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Heartworm (Part One)

Guess who got her internet baaccccck! This gal! So @songtoyou sent me this request and I IMMEDIATELY started getting ideas. This could be up to or past 5 parts, I don’t even know! It all depends if you guys like it and want more! This is kind of a soft re-imagining of season 2.

Request: How about instead of Billy going to his stupid psychiatrists place to seek refuge, he goes to the home of a girl who he was in a serious relationship with. Like, this girl is the only person Billy could ever see himself settling down with. However, once he got money, status, and power from Rawlins he pushed her to the side and eventually dropped her from his life. But once she sees the state Billy is in and how sad, scared and alone he is she wants to help him.

Part One is based on Halsey’s Without Me, particularly these lyrics:

Found you when your heart was broke I filled your cup until it overflowed Took it so far to keep you close (Keep you close) I was afraid to leave you on your own

I said I'd catch you if you fall And if they laugh, then fuck 'em all (All) And then I got you off your knees Put you right back on your feet Just so you can take advantage of me

*gif not mine* (I gotta stop using this gif lol)

You stood frozen in your living room, eyes glued on the TV. The news was saying that Billy, your Billy, was a murderous traitor and a danger to society. You watched as they showed footage of Billy’s apartment up in flames. They said he bombed it himself after killing a handful of Homeland Security agents, they also said that he hired mercenaries for his Anvil staff. The government seized his assets. He shot Curtis in the shoulder. He knew about Frank’s family. He set them up to be killed. Billy. Your Billy.

Except he wasn’t your Billy anymore; he hadn’t been your Billy for three years. You sat down on the couch, legs numb with shock, as you took in what the newscaster was saying about your ex-boyfriend, the only man you’ve ever loved. They flashed a picture of him on the screen. The caption read: “Armed and Dangerous, Do Not Approach”. The newscaster was saying something about Homeland and Frank going after Billy, but it was all starting to sound like white noise to you. Your mind said to get out of town and run until it was all over, but your heart wanted to reminisce, wanted to remind you why you even cared in the first place.

“…and I’m gonna have a Rolls Royce,” Billy said, one arm behind his head and the other wrapped around your waist, “I’m gonna drive it to meetings, rich assholes love a power play.”

You smiled up at Billy, you loved listening to his grand plans for the future. “Are you gonna be a pocket square kind of rich asshole or a ‘Maureen, hold my calls’ kind of rich asshole?”

“Mm,” Billy pulled you closer to his naked chest, “I’m gonna be a pocket square kind of asshole,” he answered, “that’s the best way to run a business.”

“Of course,” you agreed, snuggling up against him, “you’re gonna be a big shot. And I’m gonna have to make an appointment with Maureen just to see you.”

Billy tsked and put a finger on your chin, lifting your face so you were eye-to-eye. “That ain’t never gonna happen,” his dark eyes bore into yours, “I’ll always have time for you.”

You smiled and pressed your lips against his. You felt Billy’s arms tighten around you, lifting you up until you were laying on top of him. You kissed him again, slowly parting your lips, inviting his tongue into your waiting mouth. His eyes were heavy-lidded with lust when you pulled back. You rubbed your nose against his. “I love you.”

His smile made your chest heave with adoration. “I love you too, Y/N.” He kissed you again. “I promise I’m gonna make you proud one day, baby. I’m gonna get us outta this shit hole and out you somewhere nice, where you belong.”

You shrugged. Money and status meant a lot to Billy, meant success, but you were happy enough where you were. Yeah, your apartment was kind of small, and yeah, the heat stopped working every few months, but you’d lived in worst places. Besides, you had Billy. He made you so unbelievably happy; you could have lived in a cave—as long as Billy was with you, you’d be fine. “You know I’m already proud of you,” you told him, “You’ve accomplished so much already.”

“Mm,” Billy kissed the top of your head, “I can do more.” He kissed your nose. “I’m gonna get this security shit together.” He kissed your right eyelid. “I’m gonna get us a place uptown.” He kissed your left eyelid. “And I’m gonna make it so you don’t ever have to work again.” You sighed as he kissed your cheek next. “I ain’t gonna let anyone look down on us anymore.” He kissed your other cheek. “I’m gonna make you so happy, baby.” You felt yourself melt when he finally kissed you on the lips. “I’m gonna take care of us…

…I’m gonna take care of you.”

You turned the TV off, cradling the remote to your chest. You felt your breath getting shallower and casually recognized your erratic heartbeat. You didn’t know what to do. You believed the news—you weren’t sure about the details, but you knew Billy well enough to know that he would do anything for power. You had seen the change that money bought him firsthand, and you didn’t like it at all. You thought about calling Curtis, but you didn’t want to bother him. He was probably up to his neck in cops and paperwork and…Homeland Security, apparently. You wondered how it came to this. Frank was alive. Billy was a wanted man. Curtis was wounded. And you…were alone.

You spent the night on the couch, too numb and confused to get up. You dreamt of Billy and woke up shivering. You got up and made yourself a cup of coffee. Your phone was on the counter, and you frowned as you picked it up. You had missed calls from your mom, your best friend, your boss, and your sister. You had no desire to speak to any of them. You also had a call and voicemail message from an unknown number. Hitting the speaker button, you played the message.

“You’re gonna hear some things on the news.” Billy. “They’re true. I…I did all those things they say I have. By the time you get this message, I’m either gonna be on the run or dead.” It sounded like he took a breath before continuing. “I wanted to see you before I go, but…that’s not gonna happen. So just… Just know that I…” A sigh. “…I think about you all the time. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, a lot of bad choices, done a lot of shitty things, but… I only regret one thing: letting you go. I wish… I should have fought for you more. I should have…” There was some shuffling, and you thought Billy might have put the phone down for a moment. “Listen, they’re gonna say a lot of things about me, and people are gonna try to tell you that I’m heartless and evil, but I want you to remember…You loved me once. You’re the only one I could ever be honest with, the only person in this world who knows who I am. Just… Remember that. And… I’m sorry, Y/N. Goodbye.”

You stood in your kitchen and listened to Billy’s message for at least another 30 minutes. By the time you went back to the couch and turned the TV on, Billy was pronounced near-death and was being kept under constant surveillance at the hospital. Frank Castle was said to be ‘in the wind’ and Anvil was being torn down and all the profits split up. The news interviewed a medical professional about the chances of Billy making any kind of recovery. They predicted he would be dead in six months.

You turned the TV off and wept.

It had been nearly a year since everything went down with Billy. The coverage for Billy’s case had pretty much stopped after a month, and people were onto the next scandal now. Curtis had stopped by your place and told you that Frank left town. The visit had been brief, but he told you what Billy had done—confirming what you’d heard on the news—and said that his orders had come from someone named Rawlins. Rawlins, you understood, was dead. Curtis had word from Frank to tell you that he had been given a new identity by the government and was going to hit the road for a while. When you asked why he’d want you to know that, Curtis had just said: “you needed to know it was over”. You should have felt anger, or pity or sadness but… you felt nothing. You had been operating on auto-pilot, swimming in a thick fog of numbness, since Billy had been arrested. The last thing you could remember feeling, really feeling, was a deep and intense sorrow when you listened to Billy’s message. He had broken your heart, left you, and then revealed himself to be a monster and you…You were just tired.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Y/N,” Billy’s back was to you. You had barged into his office at Anvil, demanding to see him, but now that you were there… The way he was talking to you was cold and detached. His stance was rigid, his focus was on the recruits below him, not on you. This Billy—CEO Billy—was not what you had signed up for.

“I want you to say you’re sorry,” you said, “I want you to say you care.” Billy didn’t say anything. You clenched your fists. “Look at me, Billy.”

He turned. He was wearing an expensive three-piece suit and his hair was impeccably cut. His eyes, the eyes you loved, the eyes that looked at you with such care and affection, were hollow.

“What happened to you?” You asked, looking him up and down with disgust. “You never come home, you barely spend any time with me—”

“What do you want, Y/N?” He said, irritation clear in his voice. “I’m busy. I’m working. I’m trying to afford the penthouse we live in and the car you drive.”

“I bought my own car,” you reminded him, eyes narrowed as you glared at him, “And I work, too, but I make time for the people I love.”

Billy sighed, rolling his shoulders. “I told you, you don’t have to work.”

You sighed then. He was missing the point. “Billy,” you tried again, “I’m tired of this. I can’t keep being an afterthought for you. I need you.” You tried to look in his eyes, but he avoided your gaze. “I miss you.”

Billy walked over to you and put a hand on your waist. He pulled you towards him and kissed you. “I miss you, too,” his voice was husky as he moved his lips to your neck, “I know I’ve been working a lot lately, but we’re so close…”

You closed your eyes. You wanted to have a conversation, but it was hard to think of words—let alone form any—with his mouth on your skin. “Will you come home tonight?” You asked, breath short and voice heavy with lust.

“Mm hmm,” his hand slid to your ass as he kissed you again, “I’m gonna be all yours tonight.” He licked into your mouth and smiled when you moaned.

You felt his hardness pressing against your front and you deepened the kiss. “I don’t know if I can wait that long,” you whispered.

Billy chuckled and released you from his grip. You glared as you watched him walk over to his desk. He pressed a button on his phone and leaned over to speak. “Hold all my calls,” he ordered, smirking over at you, “I don’t want any calls or interruptions for the next hour.” He walked past you and you heard him lock the door behind you. His eyes were gleaming when he turned back to you and he looked like himself, like your Billy, again. His smile made your heart skip a beat. “Take your clothes off, baby. I want to spend some time with you.”

You sat up with a start. It had been months since you’d last dreamt of Billy. You looked around you and cursed under your breath. You had fallen asleep on the couch. No wonder you were off. You hadn’t been able to have a full night’s rest without sleep aids since…since Billy had left that message on your phone. If you didn’t take a pill before you went to bed, you would dream about Billy. You didn’t want to dream about him, you wanted to ignore the ache in your chest and the emptiness in your life and just… Get over it. Get over him. You felt a headache coming on, so you shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower before bed.

Your mind kept going back to Billy as you got ready for bed; you remembered the strain in his voice in the message he left you, how he used to laugh when you stuck your cold feet on his back, the way he stared down at you as he shifted inside you, driving you wild. You could see his eyes, dark and expressive and so full of love when he looked at you, every time you closed your eyes. You gave up on sleep and went back to the couch, deciding to just spend the night watching horrible night time TV until you could get Billy out of your head.

You were finally getting into the Real Housewives marathon you had been watching when you heard a knock on your door. You glanced at your phone: it was 11 pm. Who the hell would be at your door at this time? You grabbed your phone in case you needed to call the police and stood on your tip-toes to look into the peephole. Your mouth fell open at the same time your phone hit the floor with a dull thump.

Billy Russo was standing in the hallway of your apartment. And he was covered in blood.

*************************************************************************************

I have the next two parts locked and loaded! Pleaaase comment and let me know if you want the rest. The more feedback I get, the more I update! Thanks for reading, and may Billian be with you.

BTW, I got the title from this “emotion that’s hard to describe word”: Heartworm: a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

TAGLIST: @delicatelilyflower @doneobrien @ladyblablabla @banditthewriter @something-tofightfor @starsfragments @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @hisgirlwednesdayaddams@fictionwillneverdie @maria-beretta @sadnessxvodka @ymariejp @sunnycolors @moonlightsay @its-all-o-kay @damagelove @keyeluh @itsmylife98 @funerals-with-cake @littlemermaidprobz @teacuplotus @king4thesirens @mrsjaxtellerfan @thebabblingbook @tartelette-aux-fraises @madamrogers @charlylama @iaintnofurry @k-buggz2001 @whitewolfslittlesilverfox @drinix @elanor-of-imladris @floralpeaceofmind

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo imagine #the punisher #heartworm

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minyoongijjangjjangmanboongboong · 6 years ago

Text

Ephemera Chapter Eighteen

Ephemera: In art, transitory written and printed matter (receipts, notes, tickets, clippings, etc.) not originally intended to be kept or preserved.

Alternatively, things that exist or are used for only a short time.

Description: Nobody knows who Vante really is. Everything about the popular artist is shrouded in secrecy: from his face to his name to everything in between. After years of working for his art gallery, Y/N feels she may just be the closest thing he has to a friend. Between her success at work and her relationship with campus hot-shot Jeon Jungkook, Y/N’s life has never been better. But is Jungkook truly who he says he is? And who will Y/N protect now that she knows Vante’s livelihood may be on the line?

Genre: Romance, Drama, Fluff, Angst

Pairing: Jungkook x (f) Reader x Taehyung

Word Count: 5.0k

Tags: Non-Idol!Au, Gang!Au, Art History Student!Reader, Film Student!Jungkook, Art Student!Taehyung

Warnings: Swearing and mentions of alcohol, although infrequently

A/N: THAT TEASER!! Man, I’m not the biggest fan of Halsey (not because she’s done anything wrong, but because her music isn’t my style) but I can’t wait to see how their collaboration sounds! Oh and about the chapter lol. I hope you guys enjoy it! One more chapter to go, I think! I need to finish outlining, and then I’ll know for sure. Anyway, please don’t be shy and send feedback, critique, questions, theories, and comments my way. I’ll be sure to respond to all asks I receive within a day of receiving them! Links will be added later, so for now check my masterlist to find previous chapters!

And again, if you want to follow my Twitter, my username is @/plzpunchmebts. I’m super active over there and hopefully in the future I’ll do some livestreams/chats with you all! And concert videos!!

- Mercury

Previous Chapter – Next Chapter

Masterlist

Weekly updates: Sunday, 1PM (PST)

I scoffed. Of course it had to be Min fucking Yoongi.

Without thinking, I strode toward the pair. Once close enough to touch them, I grabbed Yoongi by the front of his shirt and yanked him down to look me in the eye. His expression was no good, all round eyes and gaping mouth.

“So you have time to double cross your friends but not to fix things with Nara?” I asked, anger thinly concealed in my wavering voice. I clenched my jaw and made sure not to look away, not even for a second.

He swallowed hard and glanced toward Namjoon to placed a hand on my shoulder. It was meant to be consoling, but my nerves were on fire and I turned to him with a deathly glare. Even he seemed affected, removing his hand at once as my own dropped to my hip. Suddenly, my rage found a new target in Namjoon. I nodded once, mouth agape, arms crossed.

“You’ve been working with them, then?” I asked, scoffing. “This is ridiculous. Why did I expect anything different?” I shook my head and turned on my heel, but before I could step back toward the crosswalk, someone grabbed the crook of my elbow and to my surprise, it was Yoongi. “What?”

He shook his head. “Y/N, you’re completely misunderstanding,” he said, blinking rapidly. “This-I-Y/N, this is the first time Namjoon and I have met.”

I nodded. “Alright?” I said, my tone reading sarcastic. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“He contacted me, Y/N. About the people coming for my company,” added Namjoon. He sighed, gripping his nose bridge like I was exhausting him. I swallowed hard and managed my expression. “He wants to help.”

I eyed Yoongi sidelong, still holding on to me, and cocked a brow. “You wanna help?” I asked.

Yoongi nodded. “I…this is my way of taking responsibility, Y/N.”

The memory of his guilt-ridden face at the headquarters came flooding back to me and I clamped my jaw shut. Just like that day, there was a sincerity, a vulnerability, in his eyes that was hard to discredit. The two of us remained locked in a tense stare-down, neither one particularly keen on breaking first, and I worked my cheek between my teeth, brow furrowing. His gaze was imploring, searching for something in my expression that likely wasn’t there. But it was unmistakable. He was being earnest.

I shut my eyes with a sigh and shook my arm from his grip. I ran a hand along my jaw and nodded once, eyes still shut. “Alright,” I said on an exhale.

He sighed and I opened my eyes once more to see the relief running through each of his features. “Good,” he said, nodding. “Listen, I can explain everything,” he said, an eagerness in his face.

I raised my brows. “Right now? Aren’t you two in a meeting?” I asked, gesturing toward Namjoon who by then was scrolling absently through his phone.

Yoongi glanced over his shoulder at him and sighed. “Hey, CEO,” he called, seizing Namjoon’s attention from his screen. He nodded once. “Can we add one more to the reservation?”

Namjoon scrutinized me, eyes scanning me from top to bottom, and after a moment he sighed and waved his hand. “Sure,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and leading the way into the restaurant.

I followed behind Yoongi, keeping my eyes on him all the while. His sincerity was indisputable, but that didn’t mean I trusted him. Didn’t mean he was someone worthy of my trust. The three of us walked in a row like ducklings inside the ritzy building. The interior was dark, mysterious, and housed plenty of water features: a stone-faced waterfall beside the hostess station, a tiny pond beside a panel of glass, a fountain made of several sleek squares of concrete, water flowing down like glacial ice. The hostess didn’t ask a single question as we entered, simply bowed at Namjoon and led the way to the back of the restaurant. She slid open a bamboo door and waited until we entered the dark private room. One large, Japanese-style table set low to the tatami floor. Yoongi sat on one side and Namjoon on the other, leaving me to choose between the two.

They glanced up at me, expectant. Namjoon raised his brows. Yoongi met my eyes.

Truthfully, both options looked grim.

The hostess eyed me from the doorway and, feeling the pressure, I sighed and walked around to the head of the table, sitting down criss-cross with my eyes on the dark wood table. Namjoon released a little chuckle and I glanced at him. He had one elbow hooked around his knee as he sat on the floor, running the pad of his index finger along the rim of his empty wine glass.

“Looks like Y/N is leading this meeting,” remarked Namjoon as the hostess wordlessly filled his glass, as if sensing his cue.

I sighed. “I’m not here because I wanna be,” I said, crossing my arms. The hostess filled my glass and then Yoongi’s before bowing and taking her leave, sliding the door shut behind her. “Let’s just…get on with it.”

Namjoon cleared his throat and nodded, lifting his glass to his lips and meeting Yoongi’s eyes over the rim. “I’m also pretty curious,” he said, and for the first time he really looked like a businessman. “Why did you reach out to me?”

Yoongi glanced over at me and sighed, rubbing his chin. “Well, it’s a bit hard to explain.”

“We’ve got time,” said Namjoon.

I eyed Yoongi, his slouched posture, his hand holding the neck of his wine glass without moving it to take a drink, his gaze transfixed on the liquid sloshing up the sides. “That day you came by,” he said, looking at me quick. I jumped a little. “I had just gotten out of a meeting with my father. He…really wants me to leave this business and come work for him. Says I’ve got talent that he could use.”

I nodded. “So you’re trying to sever ties?” I asked, brow knitted.

He shook his head. “Not exactly,” he said with a nod. “He’s right that the company could use me, but he’s an idiot if he thinks I’m coming over that easy.”

“Why don’t you want to work for him?” I asked, watching him as he finally took a sip of wine.

He shut his eyes as the wine slid from his glass to his mouth then down his throat. After a tense moment, he opened his eyes and looked my way. “Because,” he said, “I know firsthand how horrible that company can be.”

“Firsthand?” asked Namjoon, but by the smirk on his face I could tell he’d already figured it out. Much like I had. The sinking feeling in my gut was enough of a tell.

What was the one thing tying all of us together?

“My father is the CEO of Sanyo Industries,” said Yoongi gravely as he finished his glass in one swig.

There it was.

I gripped my knees in both hands, holding tight to keep from saying something reckless. I stared at Yoongi, but he refused to look my way. “Well…this is interesting,” said Namjoon with a chuckle. “You’re coming to your father’s competitor after months of working to dismantle my company?”

“Yeah…,” said Yoongi, then sighed. “Dad only knew about our business because he was keeping tabs on me. I think he used us for the job rather than any of the other groups around town because he thought he might convince me to come work for him.”

“And you won’t?” asked Namjoon, leaning forward on his elbows.

Yoongi shook his head. “Not without getting something in return.”

“And what’s that?” Namjoon countered, lacing his fingers and resting his chin atop them. Had I been the subject of his intense, hooded gaze I’d have surely felt the pressure. I was glad I hadn’t chosen to sit beside Yoongi.

“I’ll have him stop coming after you,” said Yoongi with a nod.

Namjoon smirked and nodded. “I see…and what will it cost me to have you do that?”

Yoongi eyed me and sighed. “You’ll give Nara a job.”

“Yoongi-,” I began.

He shut me up with a steely look. “I know that’s why you agreed to spy, Y/N,” he said. “It’s the only incentive you’d have to keep an eye on us.”

I raised my brows. “How’d you figure it out?”

He scoffed. “I’m not Seokjin,” said Yoongi, rolling his eyes. “He might be easy to fool, but not me. I knew the second you agreed to work with us that you weren’t being sincere. And I know everything about you anyway. Your dad doesn’t need the support from Ori. You don’t need it either. That leaves only one person Namjoon could exploit.”

I swallowed hard, unnerved. Just how much had he dug up about me? “You…,” I began, but shut my mouth and turned my eyes to Namjoon, awaiting his response.

“Well…that works for me,” he said with a shrug, chuckling. He sat upright, seeming to settle the palpable anxiety in the room with a gesture alone. He smoothed his hands along his dress pants and nodded. “But it seems too easy.”

“That’s because it is,” said Yoongi with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. “I’m not gonna be able to convince him to call off the attack on you. Not without some sort of bargaining chip. He’s…relentless. It’s kinda why I left in the first place.”

“You didn’t agree with his business practices?” I asked, raising my brows.

He shook his head, eyes severe. “He brought me in when I graduated high school and told me I could work in IT. But…when he let me into the business, I saw more than I should have because he was my dad. I saw the way he sent people after his enemies, like it was nothing. Like…they were nothing. Stockholders who sold their shares, ex-employees who threatened to expose his dirty laundry, international warehouses that tried to unionize…he was like a tyrant.” Yoongi stared grimly at his empty glass. “And nobody ever saw anything. Just this successful tycoon, this massive business. I hated it. That’s why I was worried about you that day at the warehouse. This world isn’t a place for someone like you.”

“Seokjin said something like that too,” I said, nodding. “That the corruption is inescapable.”

Yoongi sighed. “He and I grew up together. Same neighborhood. So when I started working for my dad, he saw that it was really taking the life outta me. He offered me a way out and I took it.”

“The way out being…Bangtan,” I said.

He nodded. “Yeah. I’d been working on computer science in college anyway and I was already good at coding. He asked if I wanted to work intel for his new agency. Expose the bad shit or at least uncover it and use it against the guys at the top. The idea was…really attractive to me.”

“And you’d just give all that up to help this girl?” asked Namjoon, his grand facade giving way to a genuine curiosity, a gentle investment.

Yoongi chuckled. “No,” he said, and I furrowed my brow. Before I could probe him, he continued. “It’s about taking responsibility.”

I blinked at him. “You’ll go this far?” I asked.

He nodded. “My dad said something when I left the household and his company,” he began, sighing. “He said I was running away, that I wasn’t mature enough to face reality head on. That that was why I was leaving, so I could bury my head in computers and avoid my responsibilities.”

I stiffened, shaking my head. “Yoongi, had I known I never would have said all that before,” I said.

He turned his eyes to me and smiled, just barely. “I’m glad you did. Because you’re right.”

“Back to that bargaining chip,” said Namjoon, shaking his head. “We don’t have any evidence it was Sanyo calling the hits on me. But if you can get any-,”

“There’s no paper trail. Dad’s not that dumb,” said Yoongi with a chuckle. “The only person who can prove it is Seokjin because he has the phone records. But he’d never say anything. It’d be too dangerous.”

“So we’re…back to square one,” said Namjoon with a deflated sigh.

I pursed my lips. “Not exactly,” I said, grabbing my phone from my purse.

Namjoon’s smile returned slowly as he watched me scroll through my phone and I pulled up my recording. “You’ve got something?” he asked.

I pressed play and set the phone in the center of the table. As the recording played, phasing from scuffled audio to clear, well-enunciated sounds, Namjoon eased forward once more, like the gears in his mind were turning. He rested his chin atop his laced fingers once more and smiled, eyes lowering to my cell phone as the recoding continued.

A few moments passed before it finished with Seokjin’s admission, and once the dead air once again retuned, Namjoon reached for my phone. But before he could snatch it, I grabbed it and held it beside my ear, eyeing him.

“You’re not gonna give it to me?” he asked, cocking a brow. “Even though it’ll help your friend? Even though it’ll help Taehyung?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get all corporate with me, CEO. Intimidation’s not gonna work anymore,” I said, pressing the phone face-down on the table. “Of course I’m gonna give it to you.”

“Then what’s the holdup?” he asked, and for the first time I glimpsed the impatience of a man with a lot on the line. He had, after all, devoted his entire life to this company. If anything happened…

I sighed. “Nara’s not gonna take a handout,” I said with a nod. “She’s made that perfectly clear to me.”

Namjoon groaned, rubbing his jaw. “Then what?”

“You’ll interview her. Just like any other candidate,” I said.

Yoongi jumped a little. “That defeats the whole point,” he protested, a pout in his voice.

I turned only my eyes toward him. Suddenly, I was the one in charge. Sitting at the head of a table in front of a big-shot CEO and a corporate heir, and I held all the cards. I tapped my fingers against the cell phone and raised my brows and Yoongi settled, sighing.

“If she passes the interview on her own merit, you can give her a job. But she has to earn it,” I said, returning my attention to Namjoon. “I can’t just hand it to her.”

Namjoon laughed. “That’s all?” he asked, then clapped his hands. “Easier for me! Less red tape.”

I held out my hand for him to shake and he took it with a big grin. “Then it’s a deal.”

“It is,” he said, dimpled smile on full display.

I nodded and handed my phone to him. As he worked on sending himself the recording, Yoongi touched my forearm gently to seize my attention. I turned to him and saw concern in his eyes.

“I feel like it’s not right to cut Nara’s job out of the deal,” he said, voice low. Like he was taking me seriously. Like we were really negotiating.

That surge of power returned and I met his dark eyes. “She’s not gonna take it anyway. She wants to get herself together. All I can do is give her an opportunity to get it for herself,” I said, nodding.

“I-,”

“If you’re that troubled, then go visit her,” I said, my expression softening into a smile. “She’s got class on Monday. English building.”

Yoongi’s skin tinted pink and I could see it even in the low light. “I…I couldn’t just…go see her, right?”

I shrugged, glancing back toward Namjoon as he slid my phone toward me. “I dunno,” I said, sighing as I noticed a new message from Nara herself. A photo of her resume and the caption, Off to Ori! I smiled. “Maybe she’s hoping to see you somehow.”

Yoongi opened his mouth to respond, but Namjoon beat him to it with a chuckle. “Well…we should come up with a game plan.”

I raised my brows. “We?” I asked, scoffing. “I thought my part of the bargain was done.”

Namjoon shook his head. “Not quite,” he said, smirking at me. Calculating, intelligent, but never sinister. A good CEO. “I’ve got one more job for you.”

Jungkook opened his front door, rubbing his eyes, after the third knock. He seemed to have been napping while I was in a meeting with Yoongi and Namjoon, or perhaps he’d gone to sleep early. Our talk lasted more hours than I expected, and by the time we exited the dim restaurant the sky was dark and the traffic was light. We’d parted ways, agreeing to meet up on Wednesday at eight to finish this thing. How I’d gotten mixed up in all of this, I couldn’t really say. Everything in the past few months had been building toward this, culminating at one final event. It was hard to focus on anything else and before I knew what I was doing, I was in front of Jungkook’s door.

Upon taking me in, he smiled and opened his arms wide. Without thinking, I fell against his chest and wrapped my arms loosely around his torso, sighing against his shirt. He chuckled and rubbed my back, humming a little as he guided us backwards into the apartment.

“Is Jin home?” I asked, praying for the answer I wanted.

Jungkook chuckled, the sound rumbling in his chest, and rubbed my head. “No.”

“Good,” I breathed, leaning away to get a good look at him.

His hair was growing out lately, a little shaggy, curling at the ends and messy from sleep. His long-sleeve shirt was loose on him, sliding off his collarbone, and his sweats were half-rolled up to his knees, likely from kicking his legs in his sleep. He looked rested, smiling just a little, skin a flushed with life.

He sighed and laced his fingers through mine. “I’m glad you came by,” he said with a yawn, jerking his head toward the hallway. “I was working on something I wanted you to see.”

I nodded and let him lead me by the hand. He looked soft as he walked in front of me, fluffy. Like some sort of comfort I’d been searching for. Perhaps if I didn’t have to meet with Yoongi and Namjoon on Wednesday, I’d have gone home for a few days. Gotten my mind and my heart back in alignment. Gotten my thoughts straight.

But instead I’d come here.

Strange…

Jungkook opened the door to the computer room. The space was smallish, just two desks facing each other with massive monitors, scant decorations on the walls like video game characters and and some film posters. No windows, which was probably why they made it the computer room to begin with. But Jungkook’s station, the one facing the far wall, had changed since I’d been in there. He’d set up a cozy gaming chair and a big blanket, a mug of something sitting beside the keyboard. It looked like this was where he’d been resting when I’d knocked on the door. He turned to me with a smile and sat down first on the chair, pulling me down to settle atop his lap. He wrapped one arm around my stomach and let the other slide along my side to reach for his mouse, shaking it twice to reawaken his monitor.

I leaned back against his chest and he gave a little giggle, squeezing me a little. “You’re affectionate tonight,” he mumbled against my shoulder as he scrolled around his computer for a moment.

I flushed and played with my fingers. “I’m affectionate all the time.”

He laughed. “Not these days,” he teased, but I felt him smiling. He inhaled slowly, holding me close, and pulled up his video editing program. I raised my brows. Sensing my reaction, he chuckled. “Something you said a while ago really bugged me.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve never seen one of my films,” he said with a sigh. “To be honest, I don’t really…show my films to anyone.”

“Really?” I asked, turning to him slightly with wide eyes. “Why?”

He averted his eyes and smiled gently, humming. “Just…kinda insecure I guess? I showed one to my mom once and she didn’t like it much. Said it was a waste of time and money,” he said with a chuckle. “I don’t really like rejection like that, so I tend to keep it to myself.”

I furrowed my brow and turned at the waist to get a better look at him. “That’s stupid,” I said.

He smiled gently and used his free hand to brush a stray hair behind my ear. “I’m…getting better,” he said with a soft smile. “You’ve helped. Having someone believe in me…be proud of me…it’s nice.”

I blushed, swallowing hard, and cleared my throat, glancing away. “It’s nothing.”

He chuckled and hugged me back against him. “It’s not nothing,” he said, then sighed. “Anyway, I want to share this with you. I’m working on a portfolio for this small company that gave me an interview. They want a videographer since they’re just starting out, and it seems like a good fit.”

I grinned, eyeing him. “You’re doing so well,” I commented, poking his cheek. “When did you get so mature?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’ve always been mature,” he said with a laugh. Quietly, he grabbed for the chunky headphones sitting beside his mug and placed them gently over my ears. He adjusted them slightly, smiling at me as he angled my hair out of the way. His fingertips hovered over my skin for a moment before he nodded and I turned toward the monitor. “I was thinking of you while I was editing. So if it’s cheesy, that’s why.”

I laughed and squeezed his hand. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

He held me close and pressed the space bar, starting the film.

The film began with an upbeat, slightly sentimental song. The title screen opened to a shot of one of the big oak trees on campus, branches swaying and sky endlessly blue overhead. On cue with the beat of the song, the shot changed to an artful slow-motion frame, following someone’s back as they walked down a crowded, nighttime street in Seoul. The person turned and I raised my brows in surprise as I noticed who it was.

“Jimin?” I asked as the small young man gave a big goofy grin and twirled elegantly down the street, much to the amusement of the other pedestrians beside him.

Jungkook chuckled. “Yeah. He and I are pretty close,” he said with a nod.

“He’s graceful,” I said with a laugh as he waved his arms.

“He and Hoseok are dancers. Used to work at a studio but it shut down. That’s why they came to Bangtan,” he said.

I pursed my lips as the shot changed. “He should’ve stuck with that…”

Now the camera followed the dizzying Seoul skyline from one of the above-ground subway lines, crossing over the Han River. The music continued, adding a sense of softness, a feeling of nostalgia to the scenes. After a few more beautiful shots of the city, Jungkook’s voice came through the headphones, making me jump.

“What does it mean to be strong?” he asked, the music lowering to give his voice a fighting chance at being heard.

“Ah…,” responded Jimin with a laugh as the shot changed to him, sitting in a chair backdropped against the brick wall in the HQ warehouse. He glanced up and over the camera as he pondered it. “I guess…being strong means…believing in yourself enough to be brave.”

I stiffened. Such an astute answer from such a small, soft person. I watched in awe as the scene changed again and the music’s volume increased. As the film continued, more a vignette than a plot-driven story, I was struck by just how adept Jungkook’s filming and editing was. The shots were beautifully framed, well focused, sharp, and purposeful. It was like a dance, flowing from one scene to the next effortlessly. But I was sure it had taken him hours to get it done.

Suddenly, the music lowered and Jungkook’s voice returned, along with Jimin sitting with a smile as he leaned back against the bricks. “I think being strong is recognizing that you’re capable,” he began, and Jimin giggled. “Capable of making your own path.”

“Ugh, so cheesy,” complained Jimin through laughter.

The footage stopped abruptly and, chagrined, Jungkook removed the headphones. “Sorry, it’s, uh…it’s not finished.”

I turned to him with wide, scanning eyes. “Jungkook…”

He was blushing bad, avoiding my gaze, and fidgeting below me. His arm slackened around me. “I wish I could have made it better-,”

Before he could say another word, I leaned down and pressed my lips against his, resting a hand against his neck and shutting my eyes. It took him a stunned moment to regain his composure, but as he did he wrapped an arm around my waist and held me close, lifting one free hand to hold my jaw. I could feel how warm his cheeks were from how near our skin was to touching, and I pulled back only to give him another peck before furrowing my brow at him.

“I’m mad,” I said.

He stiffened, eyes wide, and stared up at me like a captive audience. “H-huh?”

“You’ve been hiding your talent from me,” I said, leaning away and crossing my arms.

He broke into a wide grin slowly, eyes turning to crescents. “What?” he asked with a giggle.

“You’re clearly incredibly talented, Jungkook. I can’t believe you’ve been keeping this under wraps for so long,” I said, eyeing the monitor with a gape. “It was artful.”

“You…you really think so?” he asked, timid.

I rolled my eyes and gave his forehead a flick. “Yes, stupid.”

He winced, then laughed and gave me a bright smile. “Thank you,” he said, his gaze unarmed, completely bare.

It startled me and I felt my face go red. “Uh…what for?”

“For everything,” he said with a shrug. “I just…I think I really love you.”

I swallowed hard and stared down at him, unable to process what he’d said. Of course, he’d confessed before. But so much had changed between then and now. I chewed on my lower lip for a moment. Before I could say anything, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Still too surprised to check, I simply blinked down at Jungkook as he smiled, fingers rubbing circles into my hip.

“I think your cell’s going off,” he said, laughing as I fumbled with it.

Nararawr: Oof, new article about you. Came out this morning. Some ‘news’ outlet they are, doxxing you.

I stiffened as I read the article Nara had attached to her message. “Vante’s Mystery Girl Revealed,” I began aloud with a sigh. I read the body and, indeed, I’d been doxxed. My age, my name, my major. I rolled my eyes and rested the phone on the table with a thud. “I hate that,” I mumbled, rubbing my arms.

Jungkook smiled gently and wrapped both arms around my waist. “Don’t think about it too much,” he said, resting his chin on my shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the side of my neck and I flushed from the bottom up. “Wanna watch Your Name and order some chicken?” he asked.

Under normal circumstances, perhaps I’d have refused.

But Jungkook’s offer was tempting. And besides, I didn’t want to go home and be alone with myself after seeing that article. I figured some of the more dedicated reporters might have already found my apartment. It was a good thing I came here instead.

I leaned back against Jungkook’s chest and nodded, shutting my eyes. “Can I borrow some clothes?”

I padded toward my apartment’s mail box the next morning, still dressed in Jungkook’s baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt he’d gotten from some game tournament. To my surprise, the reporters either hadn’t found me yet, or had been shooed away by the security staff in my building. I grabbed the few bills and promotions crammed in my tiny mailbox with a sigh and shoved them under my arm, adjusting my hold on the old shopping bag Jungkook had given me for my work clothes. Quietly, I wandered toward the stairwell and took them slowly.

I emerged on my floor with a yawn and stretched my torso side to side. After a few moments of struggling to find my key, I shoved open the front door and dropped my mail on the coffee table, walking first into my bedroom and dropping the bag on the floor. I stretched and grabbed for the watering can I kept beside my windowsill plants, giving them a little spray.

After a few moments of housekeeping, I walked back out into the living room and fell in front of my couch, resting on the floor in front of the coffee table. I clicked on my TV and watched as it blinked to life, reruns of Goblin playing. I smiled and leaned back, watching for a few moments as I absently went through my mail.

As expected, nothing noteworthy. Electric bill, cell phone bill, water bill, Etude House promotion, internet bill, Skin Food promotion, and…

A letter?

I pursed my lips, brow furrowed, and tilted my head to the side. Puzzled, I scanned the envelope. There was no return address, but the handwriting was elegant, near-perfect. Intrigued, I pried it open and unfolded the letter. Scanning it once to see the sender, I nearly gasped when I noticed the name at the bottom. My heart kicked up speed and I felt my palms grow sweaty. Nerved wracked through me like waves and I clenched my jaw shut tight, eyes wide and fingers shaking.

There in the bottom left corner were words I never thought I’d see again.

Sincerely,

Mom

#jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #taehyung fanfic #jungkook fanfiction #taehyung fanfiction #bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts imagine #bts reactions #bts reader insert #bts ot7 au #bts series

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myunknownsource · 5 years ago

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Parental Alienation

Hello,

I am sure you're curious what this would bring you to. And I would love to get right to the point. TLDR at the bottom.

Ronee (candle-jacked) told you all a bunch of lies. The first one being that her ex had abandoned them in October. We had their son for Christmas 2 months after he supposedly abandoned them. We didn't even start dating until December.. And then she told you that he called her on new years eve to tell her they needed to break up even though they had been broken up for many many months at this point. Trust me he was extremely occupied new years eve. The only reason I can think she thought they were together was because at some point before we started dating his roomates girlfriend at the time was thinking about leaving and getting her own place and he wanted to see if Ronee would be open to the idea of him, her, their son, and his other roommate in getting a place. He only wanted to do that so it was easier for him to see his son. He ultimately changed his mind when he was skeptical of her getting a job and pulling her weight evenly, which had never really happened well in the past, the only time it did money was held over his head while he watched and took care of their son. Justin and I started dating at the beginning of December after dating for 2-3 weeks in November. We hit it off extremely well and seeing that we have been together for 4 years says a lot. I’m sure you all know and support someone who started their relationship extremely quickly and if you're ok with that it would be very hypocritical of you not to be ok with this. Which is exactly why I didn't quite understand why Ronee herself freaked out when her entire relationship with justin not only started while she still had a boyfriend but it became a sexual relationship before they were ever bf and gf. Not that I would ever care or judge something like that. I think the next lie we can talk about would be the “paramour”a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person” shit. Justin and Ronee weren't married, they were not engaged, they weren't even dating. Its just yet another spiteful name she felt the need to call me, alongside bashing my sexual history (which seems pretty anti feminist to me) as well as telling people I sold my body for money (i wouldn't have even been 18 so lets thank god thats not true) and that i frequently fist fought my mother and my brother, also not true you can literally ask them lol. I have an amazing relationship with my mother who i was actually just visiting in AL where they moved and my brother who just got back from fighting for your freedom just left my house like 2 hours ago. SO yeah.

Another lie she told me herself when she was trying to get me to turn on Justin was that they were engaged when we started dating. Did she tell you guys about that or just me? Apparently because she didn't like traditional rings she didn't have one to prove it to me because he was designing one specifically for her.. Im sorry guys and no offence to justin but he doesn't care about stuff like that, its weird for him and I have come to accept that. Now on the other hand if she had told me that he asked her to design it I would have maybe believe her because thats more his style. She also told you guys his own family disowned him, that isnt even close to true. She even tried to say it was because I assaulted his sister? Whos was a minor at the time and still is now. SOO lets poke some holes in this story shall we? Justins mother and I are arguing about who knows what, I really cant remember and her daughter is behind her on the stairs (im in the basement with justin) the argument is getting heated and Donna (justins mother) decides to come about 15ft forward until there's about 3ft between us. (his sister is still on the stairs) but apparently mid argument I freak out and punch his sister? Whos 20ft away from me, past his mother? Maybe Ronee can clear that up for us. On top of that if I assaulted a minor that would have been an easy instant phone call to the police and I would have a very easy to find record in Missouri. Yet I dont. Because that didn't happen. Also why did we move back in with Donna when we had to abruptly move to missouri per instructions from our GAL (mareks lawyer from the courts) because otherwise Ronee would get the visitation she wanted which was supervised (though she had no evidence to be granted that) for 4 hours a few times a month. Despite the fact that we lived 4 hours away. Anyways, where were we? Ahh yes. Donna welcomed us into her home because at the time we were her chance at seeing their son (her grandson). I got a semi sincere apology from her for punching me in the face that night and we moved on from it, becasue im a good person. Ronee still says his family hates him but lets do a headcount. Justin, his brother, his mother and his sister, also 2 cousins. WHo doesnt like Donna? Justin, his brother, and his 2 cousins because they all also know what their parents told them about their shitty aunt. Even Ronee herself said she was a shitty mother and that Diane was there for justin more than his mom.

Now its time for court. Ronees lawyer approached us. We found out that had we not shown up the judge would have granted what Ronee wanted (the 4 hours supervised a few times a month) which is funny because when justin called Diane (Ronees mother) she boasted how she wouldn't let Ronee take Marek away if justin couldn't make it and wouldn't let Ronee do the supervised visits because she knew he was a good dad. BULLSHIT lol. He also specifically asked us to not talk to her about what we wanted in the visitation plan because when we did she would call him crying about how she didnt want Justin apart of anything…. HE TOLD US HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH HER BS TOO! Eventually we hired a cheap lawyer who we were told wasn't the best but at this point her lawyer won't communicate with Justin even though he was representing himself and we needed someone who could file these documents when we couldn't. We had to explain to the GAL that justin hadn't seen his son in over a year and we had to show him the texts we had from a prepaid phone to Ronee where she REFUSED to let Justin talk to his son for unknown reason (jk we all know why) and he ordered that we get him that day and would start an every other weekend schedule until things got worked out with the courts. She sent her mother to bring hsia son that day and this woman has the audacity to tell Justin that this all could have been avoided.

But I think one of the most important pieces of information I can give you is that Justin has tried to pay her support for the last 9mo-12mo after he had to quite the job where his money was being garnished. We have the venmo receipts after it took her 5 months to finally agree to accept payment from, then he was laid off for 3 months per his work contract which we also have on file and he sent her about ⅓ of what he was ordered to pay (he had no job and he sent her most of the spending money he got that I budgeted for each of us from my paychecks) about half way through his lay off he asked her something about how he thought it would be a good idea if she reported the CS payments every 6 months to the CS office. It would have been free but she was the only one who could do it. It wasn't even a demand but a suggestion that could have been talked about, we legitimately thought we had finally rounded a curve and we all could start co parenting together, but apparently he wasn't aloud to give her suggestions because she blocked him on venmo, went off on him on talking parents (the app she forced him into using despite the fact that shes in contempt of court for doing that) and specifically told him she would never report the money. We also have snips of that convo if you guys want it. Justin hasnt talked to his son in about 6 months. The few times he “has” it doesnt sound like a 9 yo and its demeaning things that Ronee herself has said in the past. About a month ago he got a call from Marek and was actually getting somewhere after he started to explain things to him. He even told his son about how in June he was parked in front of his house to get him for his 2 week summer vacation and Ronee hadnt let him get him and his son told him in a very said voice that he never knew that. Then the line went dead. Ronee texted from his sons phone saying this isn't the time to talk about that and hes been blocked ever since.

TLDR; Ronee Halsey (candle-jacked) is abusing her power as a co parent with my fiance and abusing their child through parental abuse.

P.S. I know I will receive backlash from her closest friends who think they know the story and thats ok because I cant sit here for one more minute while she gets away with this(I will block you though). I would be more than happy to supply everyone with any and all evidence I have.

P.P.S OMG I almost forgot the worst part. Ronee decided one day she was going to accuse Justin of abusing their son. I knew it was going to end up happening (i grew up with a dad who had a high conflict ex wife) so every single time we picked up and dropped off their son i would discretely ask him to pose for pictures either by himself or with me or his dad. Not even Justin knew I was doing this but thank the lord I did. Because Ronee Halsey crossed that line you should never cross and accused someone of actual physical child abuse. But because shes a mother in the state of MO nothing came of it. Despite the pictures I sent to her lawyer and the GAL he supposedly met with their son and he came to the conclusion that he did infact have a black eye and busted lip but he got it while wrestling his dad. DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY PICTURES OF HIM WITHIN MINUTES OF GETTING IN AND OUT OF M Y CAR FOR THAT WEEKEND SHOWED HE DIDNT HAVE A SINGLE MARK ON HIM. The saddest part is that when I recorded the conversation Justin had with Marek the next weekend he told Justin that he never saw or felt pain from them, he said his mother told him they weren't the kind he could see. I will gladly send snips from those emails to you guys.

@chewybitart @notlemha @karygurl @sushichan24 @eagleoverlord @thementalwayfarer @angelsdoexist @saltwaterhermit @candle-jacked

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blogaboutmusic · 6 years ago

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all the playlists !

did this a while ago, but my spotify changed so much that i decided to do it again, and also because i have a lot of new followers! thank you & thank you if you follow my playlists! Be sure to check the list out bc i have a playlist for almost every genre & mood!

● ✧･ﾟ*✧･ﾟ* existential crisis: everything i have that is sad ● 2019 ; letz getit: music i discovered so far in 2019 / music that is important to me in 2019 ● 20(18)GAYTEEN: every album that came out in 2018 (at least of artists i like) ● 20(19)BITEEN: every album that came out in 2019 (/artist i like :) ) ● 5sᴏs ; complete: i think the title says it all ● ａｌｉｅｎｓ: a mix full of alt. songs. dope. 10/10 recommend to aliens ● all of it ; alternative ?: stuff that is alt but not quite, pop punk but not quite, rock but not quite, etc! ● all of it ; emo music: EVERYTHING YOU NEED. EVERYTHING SAD. EVERYTHING ANGRY. EVERYTHING GUITAR. pop-punk punk-rock emo/rock indie/alternative ● all of it ; k-pop: all the k-pop music that I listen to, stuffed into one mix. ● ᴀʟʟ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʟᴏᴡ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of all time low’s music ● angry k-pop bops: a playlist that was inspired by district 9 of stray kids ● autumn, baby: perfect songs for fall! ● back to the future: idk some albums that i love listening to that go really well together ● bandito tour ; twenty one pilots: a playlist for an upcoming concert ● b͓̽a͓̽n͓̽g͓̽ ͓̽c͓̽h͓̽a͓̽n͓̽: a playlist for my bias of stray kids! ● ʙᴀɴɢᴛᴀɴɢ sᴏɴʏᴇᴏɴᴅᴀɴ ; ʙᴛs: all of bts’ music in one playlist ● best intro's, no argue: okay but really 505 is one of the best songs ever don’t fight me on that one ● bi bops: actually it doesnt matter if you’re gay, straight, pan or bi, these all work. just bops. ● b-sides, : songs i tend to forget about because i mostly listen to other songs on the albums... but they deserve the world so there you go ● 𝖇𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝖒𝖊: kinda angry, kinda alternative. ● bon voyage: i listened to this a lot when i went to paris and when i have to travel a lot. travel worthy. ● bop that Bussy ; emo version: FAV EMO JAMS AND BOPS AND BANGERS ● bring me the horizon ; complete : all of bmth’s music ● bts amsterdam 13.10.18: SETLIST ly tour amsterdam but also europe. i miss them a lot & wanna thank them for one of my best nights ever

● calm my anxious ass: what i need when i’m breaking down & alone again ● chanyeol (っ◔◡◔)っ: a playlist for my exo bias, mostly english sung songs though ● chilly billy doobop: so nice to have as background music or for when there’s a friend over. just ever so fckn CHILL ● classical // piano: classical music, mostly piano ● current mood: songs i’m probably listening to right now (lmao still) ● daniel james howell: a playlist for my fav youtuber!!! ● daydream: my playlist with music that makes me dream for a better version of me ● ᴅᴀʏ6 ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: every day6 song ever. stan talent stan day6 ● death / school mix: songs about dying & other relatable stuff for school, ha ha ● dizzy tummy: stuff i listen to strolling through the city or being in a specific trainride ● dope on a rope: no, this isn't a playlist for the growlers' song, it's old beats. ● emo & alternative: sum emo tunes! totally random *insert that one crazy emoji with the tongue out* ● energize this tired bub: upbeat tempo music that really energizes me ● energetic appleflap: playlist for a friend (that i have crush on) ● eɴᴛᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀᴘᴀʀᴋꜱ: music i listened to before & after my waterparks concert + every waterparks song ever & the setlist ● ᴇxᴏ ; xᴏxᴏ: exo complete. please give us a ot9 comeback ● exploring: stuff i have yet to listen to ● fᴀʟʟ ᴏᴜᴛ ʙᴏʏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of FOB’s music. can you believe i’m still emo trash? ● frickity freck!: fresh alt-ish music ● fuck me up: a ReAlLy gOoD aLterNaTiVe / IndiE / eMo playlist? ● funky dunky business: the bass in these is mostly really mcflipping good ● geez, morty: playlist for fake friends ● ɢᴏᴛ7 ; ᴀʜɢᴀsᴇ: all of got7 their music ● ɢʀᴇᴇɴ ᴅᴀʏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of green day aka my fav band their music ! every.thing. ● grrr. : just metal and grunge. heavy shit ● guitars: really good guitars like guns ‘n roses & beatles and just guitars that i love??? ● guns n' roses setlist: setlist g ‘n r Europe 2017 ● halsey: indie artist, all her music in a playlist ● happy vibes: music that makes me smile!! ● hoe anthems (k-pop ver.); k-pop bops that make me go wanna hoe the heck out ● homework // calm: music i listen to when i make homework ● hug me pls: acoustic songs i wanna listen to while cuddling ● i’m a mess: a good, short playlist i- lol- unironically made when i discovered Michael Clifford had a girlfriend lmao i hope theyre happy they deserve it ● i, an intellectual: a nerd: music from movies and series i really dig ● interactive introverts: music they played and i listened to before interactive introverts ● jae = bae: this one goes out to jae, guitarist and vocal legend in the band day6 ● jazzin' away: jazz, my friend. ● j-pop ; rock 'n soul: my favourite j-pop songs!! yes, that includes all one ok rock songs. ● journal writings: i attempt to keep up a journal. this gives me vibes. sometimes a bit more uptempo, but mostly a bit softer ● judith.eliza: for a friend ● jughead's tape: for jughead jones, of riverdale ● just guitars, nothing else.: just acoustic guitars of some of my fav songs, really good for while studying i think ● k-grooves: korean r&b and indie ● k-pop ; essential jams: my favourite k-pop songs, which are quite a lot! ● k-pop ; girls: all my girl groups’ music ● k-rock ; you make myday: all my favourite k-rock songs, yes that includes every day6 song because they are just that good sorry ● last young renegade tour: music i listened to before & after my all time low concert + the setlist ● letters to you: songs that made me think of my crush. i think people can realate? ● let there be luf: some new alt, sum songs about love ● lilacskyjimin ; fav: playlist for a friend ● lone hours: in: feeling lonely? we do, too, dont worry. youre not alone. ● mama: stuff i grew up with / stuff my mother and i both like ● marina & the diamonds: apperantly she’s only called marina now? one of the best female singers i know, indie as f*ck ● ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ; 5sos: playlist for the 5sos concert, setlist and the songs in between! ● micmicbudgee ; fav: playlist for a friend ● mom jeans, tired eyes: mostly 70s and 80s BOPS ● ᴍᴏɴsᴛᴀ x ; ᴍᴏɴʙᴇʙᴇ: all of monsta x’s music in a playlist ● muse ; complete: all of alt rock band muse their songs ● my chemical romance ; complete: emo rock band mcr all of their music ● my youngblood chronicals: alt rock songs. the reason why i’m still fighting ● nederlandse bodem: my favourite Dutch songs! ● ɴᴇᴏ ᴄᴜʟᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛᴇᴄʜɴᴏʟᴏɢʏ ; ɴᴄᴛ: nct complete, in a playlist ● nienisneckdeep ; fav: playlist for a friend ● nights: songs i like to listen to before going to sleep ● noa.myg: fav: another playlist for a friend ● non-english bops: jewish, french, spanish, swedish, irish and celtic music like omnia (which is partly english but i think it fits here so tough luck) ● one ok rock ; complete: one ok rock is a japanese rock band that sings in english in their latest work ● ᴘᴀɴɪᴄ! ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅɪsᴄᴏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of panic! at the disco’s music in a playlist ● paramore ; complete: paramore was a punk rock band with a female singer, and now they make alt rock ● paris: a playlist for a city that i miss, a time that i miss ● ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀɢᴏɴ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: aka all of k-pop group Pentagon their music in a playlist ● pizza punk: waterparks, neck deep, with con and music like that. perfect for skating eheh ● power vocals: beautiful voices ! voices that make me jealous ● problems with sleeping: lovely alt songs, some of them are about not being able to sleep ● queen discography: you know that movie, bohemian rhapsody..? ● rad activist shit: end gun violence. black lives matter. abortions should be legal, pedophiles and rapists should not be able to walk free. oh and love is love, get over it. angry songs, songs about revolution. ● rainbow: love songs, some sad (rain), some ever so happy (sun). together they make a rainbow ● red hot chili peppers: the red hot chili peppers are rock band and if you dont know them, look them up!! ● revolution radio 2017: music i listened to before & after my green day concert + the setlist ● rev up my spaceship, bois: modern hard rock in a playlist! ● sad boi o’clock: another sad playlist, you can never have enough of these ● sᴀʏ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ; sᴇᴠᴇɴᴛᴇᴇɴ: seventeens (k-pop) complete music discography ● skylinn ; khaleesiqoyi: first playlist i made for a friend: my best friend ● slytherin headgirl: this is what the people in slytherin listen to, i swear ● socrates would deffo stan: indie and alt, only for intellectuals (i’m just kidding) ● soft; rock™: soft (old) rock ● soft; k-pop: for if you wanna weep along with exo, bts,, etc ● soundtrack of my life 🌙: the basics to my music ● space jams 🚀: most songs are about wanting to run away, perfect for when you’re in space ● spoopy rave: i secretly listen to this through the year, idec ● starry skies, snazzy beats: mostly cute beats, perfect for studying or staring at the sky ● sᴛᴀʏ ; sᴛʀᴀʏ ᴋɪᴅs !: all of stray kids songs, go stan them already and please stay ● stranger things: songs that give me a stranger things vibe ● supernatural ; rock & grunge: stuff Dean Winchester would listen to, blue oyster cult, aerosmith, black sabbath, stuff like that ● tae tae: a playlist for v of bts, one of my biases ● the 1975: an alt band, latest work: an brief inquiry into online relationships ● the neighbourhood: very chill music. kinda rap, kinda alt ● these physically turn me on: really, really good songs, or nice vocals, idk how to explain ● tits out for harambe: the closest thing i have to pop music / rap i guess, with khai dreams, frank ocean, childish gambino, ari, troye, ya know ● tokyo: a playlist for dreaming about the feeling of a city ● travel back in time: 50s, 60s music, stuff i listen to with my grandpa but also alone cuz its fun ● twenty øne piløts ; complete: all of twenty one pilots their music ● underappreciated alt songs: alternative songs that i think deserve (even more) hype! ● waterparks ; complete: nice new pop punk band that deffo has a lot of talent! ● when the week ends: a mix for the weekend ● wubbalubbadubdub: old bops that make me forget about my sadness ● year in review: 2018: music i discovered in 2018 / music that was important to me in 2018 / songs that came out in 2018 ● yoongi: songs where you can sing yoongi really clearly and songs that make me think of him ● you’re making me feel miserable: songs i listened to after i confessed to my crush and he turned me down sksksksk

please reblog, it helps my blog a lot, tysm

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rrxnjun · 2 years ago

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ahhh no bc I find human interaction hard too </3 + I tend to overthink my responses so fghsfkgs yeah pls don’t apologize for replying late !!

I got into kpop back in 2018 (?) and its been my comfort zone since then. I started off as an army (yes, an army 💀. lets not talk ab 13 y/o me and her questionable decision making skills here but, like, their music was actually good back then hhhh the emo in me appreciated them a lot lol) then slowly moved onto nct. oml I still remember not liking chewing gum and complaining ab the entire concept to a friend 😭😭 but !! the song grew on me and then came the point when I began looking into the dreamies seriously and ajgdf here I am :’) ngl I still need time to understand nct songs as a whole (yes, I'm looking at you sticker)

OKAYY so I remember reading somewhere that your bias’ personality tend to match yours?? and I think that holds for you kjfhgskdjg my mbti’s intj and so is yangyang’s so I think that’s one thing we share uhh that and maybe being extremely weird. I'm not ‘eaten cat food’ level weird but I am definitely weird to sm extent. OH GODS THAT PART WHERE THEY SING I’M GONNA LOVE YOU BY D.O kyungsoo from exo is my ult of ults so hearing them sing along to his song while driving >>> i was feeling sm things fr. renjun and yangyang are just🥺🤧😭😭

ohhh doyoung’s one of my 127 biases too lord the vocals >>> have you listened to maniac by hyuck and doyoung?? It’s really good. anyways nct vocal line supremacy and nct supremacy in general damnn they make it so hard to choose biases.

I still love dive into you sm that song always gets the waterworks working for sm reason think it’ll be in my spotify wrapped again (oml its been a year since hot sauce ?? time’s an illusion ByE) and oof turn back time era was so gooood after midnight, nectar hmm it was just hoe anthem after hoe anthem but I'm not complaining at all !! you have any fave songs from these eras?

so I stan nct, red velvet and exo (I ult them tho they’re like super ia) I'm a casual stan for shinee, enhypen and svt. I was a serious stay but just slowly lost track of the things there. I regularly listen to txt and aespa (had a v serious bluehour phase and black mamba phase back in 2021 lol) but I haven’t gone beyond that. Anddd I do randomly listen to other groups but I don’t really know the members.

Dfkjhd LMAOO ALRIGHT so I'm a stem student who is seriously considering engineering so idt I'm getting rid of math anytime soon :’) and as desperate times call for desperate measures and all that I'm willing to try anything that’ll help me keep going *war flashback to the time listening to firetruck on loop for like 3 hrs helped me finish a 100 q calc assignment a day before the submission date* ohh I had a serious emo phase of sorts back in 2017-18 like right before kpop overtook my playlists kfjf I listened to more of twenty one pilots, imagine dragons, 5sos, halsey uhh couple of more I don’t remember them rn

p.s. 👀 the yangyang tiktok. also, ily have a good day/night and remember to stay hydrated <3

I feel like everyone starts as an army HHH i did too! altho the first kpop song i really vibed to was hip by mamamoo, bts was the first group i stanned. I actually got into kpop as a joke at first but then i kind of uhh realised i liked it so i just made it my whole personality 💀💀 im not ashamed of my army past tho,, i started writing again because of them! and the times when i was an army brought me a lot of joy. while i dont enjoy their new music and dont keep up with them at all, i recnogise the positive impact they had on me

chewing gum >>>>> instant serotonin fr. also pause. YOU DONT LIKE STICKER ??? good for you honestly. i didnt like it at first but now that i got into kpop again i just. i dont know what it is. i feel like i was drugged bc im obsessed w it ?? i even let out a happy giggle yesterday when i heard the opening flute i feel like im going insane.

i think the bias thing applies to me a lot with other groups as well!! also yesterday i watched the dreamies debate and renjun had the same opinions as me (mostly) and in the last one he even made the same points i would I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY SHSJ WHAT IS THIS. im an infp/infj! not sure who shares that mbti haha. also i ate dog food before and more than once just to see how it tastes so idk what that says abt me

KYUNGSOO IS YOUR BIAS ?? im not an exo-l but the songs i know from them, i really really enjoy. idk if i said this before but im the biggest fan of baekhyun's solo music i even own the bambi album 😩😩his albums are a fundemental part of me and from what i've seen in superm, i am absolutely crazy for this man. maybe you can recommend me some exo music to listen to bc i would love to get into them more 👀

MANIAC IS SO GOOOOOD my e2l hyuck fic is inspired and named after it 😭 i fucking love that song. THEIR VOCALS!!!!!

nct vocal line supremecy but also nct dance line!! nobody does it like them. their dance line is so strong fr nobody competes!!! but yes their vocals are truly unmatched. nct outsang. stay mad about it.

A YEAR SINCE HOT SAUCE DONT REMIND ME 😭😭😭 dive into you is one of my favs but rainbow is what truly gets my tears rolling. my comfort song fr. and nectar and after midnight >>>>> but i must confess that my fav is actually electric hearts it makes me feel unbelievable abount of serotonin. the fact that yy and hendery wrote the lyrics makes the whole song even better 😩 lowkey wanna write a soulmate au inspired by it 👀

so youre an sm stan!! i literally started stanning aespa like 3 days ago. had another bisexual awakening i feel like. i always wanted to get into red velvet but it never really worked out smh. i used to be a serious stay as well!! but if im being 100% honest, i had a big falling out w this group after in life era. it hurt me a lot to say goodbye to them but i barely even stan anymore, if im being honest. they were a big part of my life, but the music just isnt for me anymore :((

YOURE A STEM STUDENT ? how. i used to be a business student lmaoo so i didnt really have to study any science/math subjects lmao. absolutely hated business school, tho. thank god i graduated this year <3 im going to study psychology at uni in september, so neurobiology is the closest i'll get to being a stem student hahaha. good luck w your studies!! it must be hella hard i cant imagine

I HAD AN EMO PHASE IN 2015-2018 AS WELL AAAAA i fucking loooved twenty one pilots but they are just not it anymore 😭 the same w all time low why do punk groups always have to have a pedophilia/sa scandals. i also loved 5sos, parx and paramore hh but i still do to this day!

and to end this off here you have the yy tiktok as a sneak peek before i post tomorrow <3

#also ps i love talking to you #i hope you have a great day/night stay safe xx #💌ask #ni 🌱

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bandsanitizer · 6 years ago

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Youngblood: Every Track

Except for the Target Exclusive tracks because I haven’t heard them yet.

I personally found this album great because instead of connecting through the music with personal experience, it feels more like diving into and empathizing with the emotions 5sos are giving in the songs. Also, please note the following “analysis/review/babble” is purely from my own inference and opinion. It’s not fact, and I don’t claim it to be, so be kind please. I’m not asking to fight or meaning to hate, I’d love to discuss the album, though.

————————————————————

1. Youngblood

Prior to the album, I didn’t care for the song. I mean, it’s good, but I preferred the live version and just wasn’t the biggest fan. After listening to it with the whole album, though, I now see why it’s the title track and better understand Michael saying it really sets up the whole album.

Sonically, the song offers the mix of pop and rock, old and new, that the entire album has. Of course, it’s more pop, just like the album.

Lyrically, it captures a back-and-forth feeling of a relationship and summarizes the feeling of the album. The whole album feels like a relationship, mostly a break-up. What we’re experiencing emotionally and hear in the lyrics, all ties into a relationship and most obviously, can connect to some of the band’s struggles over the past three years.

Specifically, the falling out of relationships, which I presume, is part of why Luke and Ashton have more writing credits than Calum and Michael. Again, that’s speculative. Still, nothing wrong with being influenced by their love life.

Youngblood, is a song that captures all of the good and bad of a relationship, but through the view of post-break-up. It’s about coming back for something that isn’t good for you and hanging onto a love that isn’t all that loving. It truly makes the album whole, and it’s a jam.

The chorus (THE DRUMS) are so amazing.

2. Want You Back

I’m not going to lie, the first two songs released weren’t my favorites at first. They just didn’t feel the best. Still, I’ve come to like Want You Back the more I listened to it.

I think this song really marked a changed in 5sos’ sound and while it didn’t do well on the charts, I think it was a nice way of introducing fans to a new era of 5sos. Both sonically and lyrically, it’s quite modern pop and captures that “stuck” feeling. It’s like being unable to move forward, but incapable of going back.

It’s a great second track to follow Youngblood, because it really expands upon the relationship described in the title track. It takes you to that place inbetween the leaving and coming back, the push and pull, that’s present in the first song. I’m growing to love it more and more.

Also, Luke saying “fucking” is amazing. And the falsettos kill.

3. Lie To Me

Why is it so short? I need more than 2.5 minutes of this song.

Their HARMONIES. Like, we all know that when 5sos sing together the world is a brighter place, but this song is the ultimate. Their vocals are perfection in this and I’m living for the contrast in the beat/bass with the melodic lyrics and guitar. Fucking love this song.

Confirmation Luke has a lying kink? Yeah.

It’s a softer song and kind of just feels like wishing you didn’t have to move on? It’s like watching someone move past something that still hurts you and you can’t quite grasp why. One of my favorite from the live shows and I’m still waiting for the video.

4. Valentine

The opening is just so beautiful. I like the vocals that accompany the bass at the start. It’s has the vibe of like an chill, kind of lowkey club. It’s not big or bold, very intimate.

THE SINGING OVERALL JUST KILLS ME. Michael’s solo? Calum’s solo? It’s like my soul leaves my body every time I hear the song. Ashton’s backing vocals? KILLER.

The message is really sweet. It’s this idea of Valentine’s Day being special, but also the importance of this love extending past the commercialized February 14th. It’s soft and tender. Truly loving. I didn’t know I needed a Valentine’s Day song until now. It’s also got the feel and sound of a song to have sex to. It’s just some lyrics are quite sexual and it has the same feel of a candle-lit bedroom and yknow all that stuff.

It’s a bop.

5. Talk Fast

I have little to no clue what Luke sings in the beginning. Outside of that, this song makes me want to dance. It’s really weird cos it’s not a super dance-y song, but it’s just a song that makes me feel hyped-up.

I don’t really know what it is, but the “woah oh oh” in the chorus is just perfect to me. The whole rhythm that plays through the verses is catchy. This song is really weird to me as it’s the least like my tastes and it just... I really like it but I don’t know why. It’s like I want to drown in the vibe and rhythm of the song.

This is a song about a love set to fail, but still diving head-first into the relationship anyways. It’s not about serious feelings or commitment, it’s more about the current moment and the mood of just living on the fast and hyped feelings.

6. Moving Along

Okay, so like I have an ENTIRE idea for a music video for a song. It’s sort of like how Big Time Rush would have episodes that just lead into the performance of one of their song. This has such a beach-y vibe and I want to see 5sos do a music video for this song in Aloha shirts and shades at a beach or resort. I have SO MANY IDEAS.

I just love how this song feels. It’s like lyrically, the song is sad, but the musical aspect is so so upbeat. It’s something very All Time Low-ish, but not as pop-punk/rock. ONE OF THE BEST ON THE ALBUM. Also, the drum fills are amazing. I love them.

It’s a song that kind of explains those days when you’re bitter? It’s not being full-on angry, but it’s not sad and it’s not happy. It capture the idea of how people deal with loss in different ways and at different rates. Not everyone will move on at the same time, and if you’re someone moving on later, it can suck sometimes.

After a break-up, it’s hard to think how someone could move on from love so fast, so sometimes we hold onto the idea that it could be just as hard for them to move forward. This song feels like that. It’s watching someone wonder about someone’s who’s gone and not really be sure how they feel about this whole “moving forward” thing.

Again, absolutely love this track.

7. If Walls Could Talk

All songs prior to this, we had already heard, so this was like the “NEW MUSIC!!!!” point. I started tearing up solely because it meant officially going into the new era. I love this song so much. It’s another song that I have a music video concept for.

I really like the contrast between the verses and the chorus, with the addition of the acoustic guitar. It’s a real mix of a singer-songwriter pop and the typical feel of something more Halsey? If that makes any sense.

HOLY SHIT. ASHTON’S VOCALS. He sings the falsetto part of the chorus and it’s fucking beautiful. I want to drown in the sound. This song complements his voice so well.

I swear to god 5sos better perform this song live. The lighting concept could be so so cool with this track. If they let this song die, I will personally fight them. I’ve never met them, but this is a track that isn’t the perfect live song, but it would also be soooooo fucking cool to just see them play this song live.

I love the idea of a secret love that kind of love that’s going on. It’s this idea of all these secrets and definitely something sexual. It’s basically about getting naughty, but also could be deeper and about a relationship that isn’t good to begin. It’s kind of like we shouldn’t but do.

It’s such a good song. AND THE BRIDGE and following chorus... HOLY FUCK.

8. Better Man

This song was the complete opposite of what I expected. I was thinking of something more like “You found someone better” not “You make me better”.

It’s clear this is about finding someone who seems to change you for the better. It’s about being at a low but then someone just comes into your life and spins it around. It’s a love song, really. I love the sound, but I would love for an acoustic version, too.

Luke’s vocals. I don’t know what it is but I want to have the chorus played 24/7. His voice just sounds soooooo amazing in the song. He sings “Better” and I just cannot. I WANT TO BOTH CRY AND DANCE WITH AN S.O. WHEN I HEAR THIS SONG.

By far, it’s gotta be one of my favorite Luke songs out there.

9. More

The opening of this song feels like it came from a car commercial. Lol

But wow. I love the sound to this song. THE DRUMS MAKE ME WANT TO DIE. WOW.

And what the fuck is that prechorus? I LOVE when 5sos slows down in the middle of an upbeat song and idk... This song does it so well. MOSTLY I JUST LOVE THE DRUMS AND FALSETTOS.

Calum’s solo is quite nice and tHE GUITAR? FUCK ME UP.

I want to light myself on fire when I hear this song. It’s not really a song I need them to do live, but I can definitely see it making the set.

It emotionally is confusing and a bit disconnected, but it’s kind of what the song is about? It’s that search of what used to be as a relationship seems to fizzle out. It’s like it’s so close but unreachable.

Lyrically, I’m in love with this song. All the lyrics in this song just... I strive for the way it makes you picture something, but it’s not a specific something. It’s like an image of a feeling.

10. Why Won’t You Love Me

This is the first song I actually started crying for. It makes me so fucking sad. It’s like, of all the songs, it’s the one that truly makes you feel what 5sos is feeling, as opposed to necessarily connecting to it in a personal experience?

The opening verse breaks my heart. It captures the idea of touring and flying and just being so far away and how distance prevents a relationship from working out. The second verse is a bit less specific, but captures this idea of being in a love that is reciprocated, but at not really? It’s there but not. It’s about a difficult situation of distance and time and circumstances that don’t feel right and prevent the love from being as good as it could be.

Really, the whole song makes me so emotional. It’s such a sad and painful song of wanting something that you’re so close to having but just can’t? It’s not even an unrequited love as much as it’s getting tired of the feeling of lonely that comes with the distance. It’s not really about not loving, but more about loving so much that every second waiting feels like centuries and its so constant that you just can’t really hold on. It’s from one person who’s constantly traveling and physically distant and it’s kind of hard for them to let go and accept that the person they love can’t keep doing the long-distance thing.

I just feel so emotional with this song.

11. Woke Up In Japan

This song is so swanky. I don’t know that just the word I think of. It’s a sweet kind of song and I like the tone that plays leading into the chorus that’s like that opening sound to SLSP. This song is really lovely and a morning-after kind of story. It’s having had so much before and then finding the bed empty and just being like, “Oh” and you can’t complain because the night was great but it’s still lonely and disorienting when you wake up.

I’m in love with the sound of the song. It’s a head-phones on slow head-bob type of track.

I like the way their voices are, it’s cool how it sounds like morning voices cos it matches the concept of the song.

12. Empty Wallets

The opening is so misleading and it makes me angry because the song gives me Bridgit Mendler vibes? Y’know her older music like “Hurricane” and such? The verses have that kind of vibes and I HATE HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. And then the chorus, musically, gives me more of Twenty-One Pilots type of feel. Could just be me... I’m not the best at this association thing.

I just love how there’s three different feels through the whole song.

It’s about a love that doesn’t ask for the material things. It’s more about the feelings and riding the roller coaster of life together. It feels like having happy dates without leaving the house and just finding a relationship that can be a free (in both senses of the word).

I’m not sure what to make of the bridge, but it kind of makes me think of a love that comes and goes but always kind of feels the same.

I’m really into their vocals, specifically the falsettos (the chorus) and Michael’s solo in the bridge. And the music is just really good. A nice vibe to it and I REALLY WANT THEM TO DO THIS SONG LIVE.

13. Ghost of You

There’s only a few songs that are guaranteed to make me cry every time I listen to it. Those songs include Lea Michele singing, “Make You Feel My Love” on Glee, Taylor Swift’s “Ronan”, and Simple Plan’s “Welcome To My Life”. Yeah... They’re all different and mean different things, but they’re so important to me and I hold them very dearly to my heart and they make me so emotional.

Ghost of You is now a song to add to that list.

It’s a mix of the guitar from “For the First Time” by The Script, the general vocal feel of Coldplay music, and a little bit of the melody from like “Firelies” by Owl City.

It’s a lyrical masterpiece. Michael and Ashton said it’s be a fan favorite and it sure as hell feels like it. There’s something so sad and raw and lonely about the lyrics. While it’s a post break-up song, it just generally has that feeling of losing someone but not knowing how to let go.

My favorite part of the song is at the end when Luke sings “That my feet don’t dance like they did with you”. It’s a heartbreaking lyric of realizing that you aren’t the same person you were before they left. It’s searching for happiness alone, when you thought you’d always have someone there.

But what hurts most is that I knew that this song was going to be sad. First off, the title. You can’t have a song named “Ghost of You” and it be anything but sad. Secondly, they wrote it with Mitchy Collins. I have only heard “Broken” from his band, but just that song secures the idea that he can write a sad song. Third, 5sos hyping the song meant it was going to be pretty sad because the songs that do best overall with the fans are the sad songs.

Thus, I expected a sad song, but FUCKING HELL 5SOS. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS.

Everything about the music and the lyrics and they way they sing the song is just so heart-wrenching. It makes me want to curl up and sob because I can feel their pain in their singing and I can relate my own feelings and experience to it.

I swear, 5sos better not let this song die. I dont care if we never hear any other dead song ever, I just so badly want this song to make the set list for the tour. I want this to be a song that 5sos holds onto because it’s so heart-breaking and beautiful.

They know how to write sad song and this is like Amensia-level sad. It’s like we were all talking about Lie To Me but HELL THEY DROP THIS? The song shows how much they’ve matured and grown and just how much they’ve experienced. In the same way Jet Black Heart solidifies the lyrical genius of Michael and Calum, Ghost of You really showcases the skills Luke and Ashton have as songwriters.

This is definitely one of my favorite songs off of the album, if not my favorite.

14. Monster Among Men

Personally, I consider this song to be a sequel to Jet Black Heart. Conceptually, it carries the same idea of being poisoned or broken and afraid of how that hurts the person you love. It’s a sequel, though, because it talks about not calling it off again and just captures the idea of working past those issues to truly be able to say that you’re not going to leave, you’re not going to be the demons that haunt you or the darkness you can feel consumed by. It’s an empowering song

Plus, MICHAEL GORDON CLIFFORD. FUCKING SHIT HE KILLED THIS SONG. His vocals are just so good. He’s grown so much as a singer and the amount of control and emotion he has with his voice always blows my mind. Then the chorus is so cute? I love the keys and the music being upbeat and Calum’s lower vocals in the background. The chorus vocals in general are just top notch. And THE GUITAR SOLO??? MICHAEL G. CLIFFORD IS KILLING THE GAME. (Also loving Luke singing “Asshole” and both of them counting)

I love this song so much, it’s currently tied with Ghost of You.

15. Meet You There

I’m head-over-heels in love with the bass in this song. It’s so beautiful and catchy and I want to dance. This song also feels a lot like fire? Like it’s a perfect song for them to do on tour so it bETTER MAKE THE SETLIST.

I love the music and lyrics. It’s quite summer-y and, as I said, it’s a song I just really want to dance to for some reason. I don’t know who’s vocals I love the most, but the bridge where Michael sings is fucking perfect.

The concept of the song is like the idea of “If you love something let it go, and if it’s meant to be it’ll be.” It’s this idea of being able to spilt and grow as individuals and then possibly come back together. Honestly? It’s basically what the four of them experienced with the hiatus, in growing on their own and coming back together and meeting on common ground with the album.

I very much like this song.

16. Babylon

This is the new Calum song. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Invisible” and will always die when his solo in IYDK plays. But holy shit, this takes the cake. It basically fulfills the need for Calum to do Bad Dreams.

Calum Thomas Hood is so talented, and this song perfectly shows that. His voice and the bass in this song is killer. The lyrics are phenomenal and the concept is so beautiful. It’s a very very smart song, as Babylon was a city that was HUGE. It grew and expanded, until after wars and conquests, eventually was taken under different control and collapsed. Additionally, one of the possible reasons for the absence of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon include war and erosion. Easily, the idea of Babylon is something growing big and eventually falling apart. This is carried with the concept of the song. It’s about a love that grows and builds and goes so hard but then burns itself out. I love the whole idea. I just love this song so much with all that it means, how it sounds and the feel it gives.

I think it was a great choice of song to close the album with because unlike the rest of the album, it’s very final. There’s no sense of longing or wanting the past back. It’s not about second chances or going back-and-forth. It’s just a tragedy. There’s a beginning middle and end, and the end isn’t happy, but it’s a clear and set closure. It completes the album very well and is one of my favorite 5sos songs. It’s reminiscent of the band’s older sound, but also capture their ventures and changes well.

————————————————————

Overall, this album is relationship-centric. I know it doesn’t tackle huge issues like SGFG did, but this album is clearly for 5sos more than it’s for the fans. It’s not as much about songs with messages for the fans to find safety in, but rather songs that allow 5sos to express everything they’ve been dealing with for a while. And I truly find it to be beautiful.

The album is a great step forward and truly gives them a lot of room for whatever sound they want. Additionally, it captures how talented they are as artists, in singing, writing, and playing. It’s a masterpiece and I am so proud of them. While do have favorites, it’s the only album I can 100% say I love every song on. It’s an album I want to play and listen to 24/7. The whole thing is just so cohesive and I love with all my heart. I am just so so so so proud of 5 Seconds of Summer.

No matter where this new chapter takes the band, I hope it does them well and gets them the respect they deserve. I truly see this as their best album yet and I can’t wait for what’s to come. I’m so proud and it makes me happy that they are, too. It’s an album worth listening to and deserves so much recognition because it’s truly inventive in it’s mix of genres and sounds, creating something that feels so familiar, but also unique, fresh, and new. 5sos created something beautiful and I’m just so happy that they shared it with us.

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greyofjakku · 7 years ago

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Tag Game(s)! Lol I’m so sorry

So, I was super confused b/c I got tagged on like A TON of different tag games haha. So I combined them all into one post? Fuck me, I guess lol

20 Question Tag Game

I was tagged by this lovely! @mysonkylo (Lol Nat I just kept your formatting)

1) name: Sarashkya/Sarah (but I don’t go by these - I go by Ara :P ) 2) nicknames: Ara 3) height: 5′7 ft/173 cm 4) orientation: bi bi bi *blasts Justin Timberlake* 5) nationality: WITH THAT NAME???? Must be Polish :P 6) favourite fruit: Peaches?? 7) favourite season: fall 8) favourite flower: honeysuckle 9) favourite scent: cotton sheets 10) favourite colour: grey 11) favourite animal: PORG! no? then a kiwi! (THEY ARE REAL)

12) coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: coffee 13) average sleep hours: uhhhh....6? 14) dog or cat person: BOTH. BOTH IS GOOD. 15) favourite fictional character: Ben solo/Kylo ren, Rey, Padme, Khaleesi, Elizabeth Swan, Carina Smyth, Loki, Black Widow, Moana, and I could go on and on and on 16) number of blankets you sleep with: one sheet, one comforter, and however many damn blankets it takes to keep my anemic ass warm 17) dream trip: right now??? I’m homesick, so back to Kraków. Any other time? The fjords of Norway 18) blog created: December 2015/January 2016 but wasn’t super active/writing til August 2017 19) number of followers: 1.3k - and love every last one of you smol beans <333 20) random fact: I'm adopted

Get to Know Me Tag

The beautiful lovelies @absolutereylogarbage @evilsquirrel18 @ridingbensolo tagged me in this. Thank you, loves!

Since I’ve already done it, I’m just copying and pasting here again.

Name: Sarah (Full Polish Name that My Parents Were Probably Drunk Picking Out: Sarashkya)

Nickname: Ara

Gender: Female

Star sign: Pisces

Height: Same as Daisy Ridley - 5′7

Time: 6:16

Birthday: March 18th, 1999

Favorite bands: AC/DC, Queen, Mumford and Sons, Of Monsters and Men, + tons more

Favorite Solo artists: Halsey, Zolita, Cobi, Camila Cabello, Dua Lipa

Song Stuck In My Head: “Kill For You” by Zolita

Last Movie I Watched: The Last Jedi

Last Show I Watched: The Office!!!!

When Did I Create My Blog: Right after I saw TFA in December 2015 (SO IT WAS DECEMBER)

Last Thing I Googled: Kiwi baby (lol they’re so cute)

Do I Have Any other Blogs: My main is @melancholymists and I also have an autumn/winter/photography blog

Do I Get Asks: Yes, about fifteen to twenty a week (if I check lol)

Why I Chose My URL: Uh, pretty self-explanatory. “You know I can take whatever I want.” - Kylo Ren

Following: 640

Followers: 1.3k

Average Hours Of Sleep: 7-8 on weekdays, but 9-10 or sometimes 14 on weekends lol

Lucky Number: 8 or 9 I think or maybe 12

Instruments: Violin and Viola

What Am I Wearing: Sweats

Dream Job: Writer/translator/professional traveler and blogger

Dream Trip: lol this is weird but Russia :)

Favorite Food: Homemade piroshki

Nationality: I consider myself Polish despite living in the US for University

Favorite Song Right Now: Everybody Gets High by Missio

New 28 Question Tag

Tagged by the lovely @chromiah

Name: Sarashkya/Sarah (But I don’t go by this I go by my nn)

Nicknames: Ara

Gender: Female

Star sign: Pisces

Height: 5 feet 7 inches

Time: 6:07 PM

Birthday: March 18th

Favourite bands: Twenty Øne Piløts, Imagine Dragons, Queen, ACDC, The Beatles, Kansas, The Smiths, Missio (Does this even count as a band? IDK but goood shit)

Favourite Solo Artists: fuck fuck fuck fill this in later Ara u stupid idiot just remember who u goddamn like

Song stuck in my head: Everybody Gets High by Missio

Last movie I watched: The Last Jedi (haha)

When did I create my blog: December 2015 or January 2016 but wasn’t active/writing until this past summer

Do I have any other blogs: Yes!

Do I get asks: Yes, mostly reylo smut requests haha. But I also get a lot of lovely asks from you amazing smol beans <33333 They make my day, honestly.

Why I chose my url: U know why

Following: 640

Followers: 1.3k

Average hours of sleep: 6 (I’m going with 6...)

Lucky number: 8, 12, 4, or 48 I think

Instruments: Violin and viola; I also can sing and I took opera for a long time before quitting lol

What am I wearing: A jumper and joggers bc its fucking cold as hell outside and I got fucking hives from how cold it is, goddamnit

Dream job: Actress

Dream trip: Norway fjords

Favourite foods: “You’d be better off asking me what I don’t like because I just love food” - Chromiah

Nationality: *blasts Mazurek Dąbrowskiego* POLAND! (but US citizen now too)

Favourite song right now: Everybody gets High by Missio (I’m obsessed)

Favorite movie: I can’t do this - there’s too many

Favorite actors: Adam Driver, Tom Hiddleston, Johnny Depp

Favorite actresses: Daisy Ridley, Gal Gadot, Keira Knightley, Kaya Scodelario, Nikolina Konstantinova Dobreva (AKA Nina Dobrev - I don’t like her too much in TVD though, sorry guys

ANOTHER 28 Question Tag

The ever so lovely @somewhere-over-the-reylo and the beautiful Rosie @reylofic tagged me in this <33 (also Rosie, your nickname is my favorite animal!!! :P)

1. Name: Ara

2. Nicknames: Ara

3. Gender: Female

4. Star sign: Pisces

5. Height: 5.7”

6. Time: 6:21 PM

7. Birthday: March 18

8. Favorite bands: Twenty Øne Piløts, Imagine Dragons, Queen, ACDC, The Beatles, Kansas, The Smiths, Missio (Does this even count as a band? IDK but goood shit)

9. Favourite Solo Artist(s): FUCK ARA JUST REMEBER B4 YOU POST THIS

10. School Status: First year of American university at Princeton

11. Last movie I watched: The Last Jedi

12. When did I create my blog: December 2015

13. Last thing I Googled: ‘That one Luke meme’ lol

14. Do I have any other blogs: @melancholymists

15. Do I get any asks?: yes and too much smut haha ;P

16. Why I chose my url: idk man I just did it

17. Following: 640

18. Followers: 1.3k

19. Lucky number: 4, 8, 12, 9, 48

20. Instruments: Violin and viola; singing

21. What am I wearing: sweats

22. Dream job: Actress

23. Favorite tumblrs/best friends: ya’ll if I start tagging I ain’t gonna stop but @ifoundkylo was my main OG hoe

24. Things I’m obsessed with: reylo, daisy ridley, adam driver, adam driver’s fine ass, adam driver’s 8 pac (I knew he was shredded), the SNL adam driver skits, adam driver’s dog, adam driver’s work with the armed forces, adam driver’s left tiddy, adam driver’s right tiddy, adam driver’s arms, kylo ren, adam driver’s voice, adam driver’s “ah, you do”, adam driver.

25. Fandoms: star wars, marvel, riverdale, got, acotar/acomaf, tmi, etc.

26. Favorite song right now: Everybody Gets High by Missio

27. Pets: A demonic cat from hell that I love too much named Tygrys or ‘Tiger’ but she is also called “Kitten whiskers”, “Sweet beans” and “Smol bean”

28. Favorite character in Star Wars: My emo trash son and galactic fuck up Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

10 Question Tag

Tagged by the lovely @kyloxreyx - also message me anytime bae ;)

Name/Nicknames: Ara

Star Sign: Pisces afffff

Height: 5′7/173 cm

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Dream trips: Norway fjords

Average hours of sleep: 6

When I made my blog: “I made this side blog like a month after TFA came out because reylo was the sole reason I came on tumblr.” - Meleah (SAME THO)

I hope that was everyone’s??? I’m so sorry if I didn’t do one of them - just message me or something I guess lol

And I’m not tagging bc all these people who I would’ve tagged already tagged me haha. If any of you want to do this, be my guest!

#tag game #get to know me #youknowicantakewhateveriwant #Ara #About me #me

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