#also ironically i am having an panic attack because of something stupid [my girlfriend is going on a date with someone and asked if they-

[feralfens]

my first therapy consultation is in almost 2 hours. help what are questions youre supposed to ask at therapy. how do i get a good grade at therqpy

[m-aster-of-spinjitzu]

the hues of an empty sky

Missing memories, or having two of them for one moment - not quite the same, but if there's one thing Jay's leant over the last few weeks, it's that literally nothing makes sense anymore.

Or, some Skybound aftermath, Zane actually expressing emotions about his memory switch being turned off for all those years, and what was supposed to be a 'they tell everyone about the erased timeline' fic, but it turned into a 'two characters who barely interact on screen talk at like one am in the morning, and don't actually tell the other what exactly they're alluding to the whole time' fic that I wrote at like one am- 

Also yeah, I realized too late that they split up to look for Wu after s7, we’re just gonna pretend that they waited a few days or something, idk anymore tbh, lol.

(I also didn't have time to edit - so please tell me where the typos are? 😂💛)

Word count: 4539

Prompt: crying, from @ninjago-bingo 's warm board.

Trigger warnings: the main character has a panic attack, and squeezes their fingernails into their hands once or twice but I think that's it.

*facepalms* also, guys, i’m so stupid - i literally just realized that this freaking CHANGES TENSE HALFWAY OHMYGOSH I-  i don’t think it’s super noticeable, but ugh, apologies to anyone who actually thought my writing was good lol-

---

It's cold.

Bitterly, freezing cold.

The biting chill of the air is a bit strange for this time of year, but, heck, that's nowhere near the craziest thing that's ever happened to him - not by a long shot.

He sighs, squinting at the stars dotted liberally against the black canvas of the sky.

Cole had once joked that one of them might be the remains of their golden weapons, after they'd hurled the burning mass into the sky - in another alternate timeline; one that only existed in the memories of a certain few.

Gosh - that seemed like such a long time ago.

Wouldn't it be nice to go back to that time, when he'd still thought that their powers were the coolest thing ever - instead of despising them for all the responsibility and sacrifice that came with them? When one of his biggest worries was whether the girl he had a crush on liked him back - not wondering if his friends would survive the night?

"I did not expect to find you awake at this hour, Jay."

Reflexivity, he jumps back, his mind twisting his friend's gentle voice into the- the djin's triumphant, accented one.

You're supposed to be a ninja. What good are you if your friends can still sneak up on you?

"Geez, warn a guy before you sneak up on him! I almost fell off the Bounty!"

"My apologies. I was... surprised to find you awake at this hour," Zane answers. "What are you doing?" "Couldn't sleep. It's too cold," he confesses, not entirely a lie. Ninjago wasn't 'that' far from the Sea of Sand, but he'd grown up in a much warmer area - unfortunately resulting in his practically nonexistent tolerance to the cold. That never failed to stop Kai from teasing him about it, though. He doesn't mention the pressing weight on his chest, almost tangible - or how it constantly makes him feel. Like he's being dragged through the darkness of an empty sky, spikes of fear making everything so freaking terrifying- "You?"

"I have been analyzing my memories of Pixal, in the hope that it may lead me to her whereabouts. However, all my efforts have proved... unsuccessful," Zane answers wearily, shifting his gaze to the sky.

Oh- oh. They'd all be so caught up in the chaos of the last few weeks - hey, it's not like any of them had asked the universe to permanently be out to get them! - that they'd forgotten Pixal was still offline.

"Hey, I'm sure that she's still there somewhere," he says, earnestly. "After all - she wouldn't be your girlfriend if she didn't pull a vanishing act every now and again, eh?"

The question is punctuated with a laugh, but he doesn't say that he's a little worried about her too. They hadn't talked much, but-

I can't see one of my best friends find out that his girlfriend is dead, a quiet voice at the back of his mind points out. Well - been there, done that, wouldn't recommend, he thinks bitterly. Emotional breakdowns and frequent nightmares apply. Anxiety attacks are half off, too!

It's quiet for a few minutes, neither of them seeing a need to break the silence. The wind blows softly through the sails above them; gray wisps of cloud revealing a pale sliver of moonlight that paints the sky in its glow.

It should be a peaceful night: beautiful, calm, no one trying to kill them or destroy their city - for a change.

His hands won't stop shaking.

It should be a peaceful night, but, as usual, the world is too freaking unfair for that-

He hasn't even slept for a full night in weeks! Well, not since- since-

Don't think about it! That's only going to make it worse, duh-

"Are you alright, Jay?"

"Yeah- I- I'm good, thanks," he says quickly, ignoring the way his breathing keeps speeding up. FSM, not this-

Not for the first time, the world suddenly becomes too loud - too much. Every little thing, from trying to breathe properly or even walk- feels insurmountable, because, gosh, oh gosh, it's going to come crashing down if he even moves-

The memory starts off the same as it always does.

Rubble strewn over the temple grounds, his friends literally reduced to nothing more than statues. A shot that hit the mark perfectly, but perfectly shattered his world in the process.

A poison-splattered dress, a terrifying realization.

Her well-aimed joke, but one that never fails to sting every time. Gosh, why hadn't they just allowed her to join their team in the first place? Maybe they could've prevented this- this- whole situation, if they hadn't been so freaking egotistical-

And, again, he's overwhelmed by the sheer sense of helplessness, all his power and training and skills completely useless to one of the people he cared most about. FSM, if only I hadn't used my first w-request so carelessly! If only I'd been able to escape- or, or if only I'd been able to assemble the team faster! If only-

Despite being in what must've been unimaginable pain, she offers a strained smile - a sweet gesture that, ironically, feels like she's poisoning him, because- because FSM, this is all so wrong, it wasn't supposed to end like this-

He watches with horror as her eyes dull and she stills in his arms.

She's gone, FSM, she's gone and it's all my fault-

"Jay?" a voice asks, concern evident in their tone. Distantly, he registers that he's having a breakdown in front of one of his best friends - one of the things he'd been trying really hard to avoid.

Dang it.

"I-" he tries to say, but, great, he's breathing too fast to even get the stupid words out.

"Breathe in for four seconds," Zane says, softly.

Four seconds? Time has no meaning right now, narrowed down to, like - falling down a chasm, terrified of what's at the bottom, except the fear's all around, this- this... foreboding thing of his mind that keeps yelling that he needs to run, or fight, but he can't, can't-

Right. Four seconds.

You're okay, you're fine, no one's trying to hurt you or your friends. She's not dead.

But what if- what if they're being dragged out of this ship right now? What if it was all a dream, and she's dead anyway, because all of us were too stupid to come up with another plan, and none of us could even do anything when she-

After a little while, when he could breathe a little easier, and the fear didn't feel like it was slamming into him from every possible direction, he slowly opened his eyes. Shakily, he wiped a tear from his face - as if that would wipe away all the weeks that had, theoretically, never even freaking happened.

The sky comes back into focus - pinpricks of light against pitch black. 

How was he going to come up with some sorta explanation without... well, explaining everything?

Great.

My nerves are frayed, and I have to lie to a walking lie detector - what could possibly go wrong?

"Are you alright?" Zane asks, his brows creased in concern.

"Heh heh, yeah. Probably just too many video games," he replies quickly, laughter a bit strained.

"You were muttering to yourself," his friend replies quietly. Ugh, trust the way-too-observant-nindroid to call him out on the remains of his facade. "If you do not mind me asking, what was 'all your fault'? I am sure that it was probably a misunderstanding."

You're the one who misunderstands everything, he thinks wearily, ignoring the part of him that yearns to tell someone else about... well, everything that's happened because of that stupid teapot. He's not one to keep secrets by nature, and it's been taking a bigger toll of him than he'd thought it would. Is this how Nya felt when she was still the Samurai? "It's- it's nothing, probably just nonsense."

"Are you sure? You seem... quite worried about something."

Dang it, were his hands still shaking? He presses his fingernails into his palms, squeezing his eyes shut for a second.

He's talking to one of his best friends, FSM. Weren't friends able to tell each other anything?

"Do you think it's easier to forget? Better?"

He didn't even realize he'd asked a question until Zane's eyes widened in surprise.

A forest coated in snow, ice crystals dangling from the tree branches above their heads. Plenty of screaming - way too much, he reflects, couldn't they have been a bit nicer? It must've been pretty jarring to learn that you weren't human, or that your father had erased years of your life from your mind - in that weird underground treehouse. Those crazy tree monsters - and the realization that they all had much more power than they'd thought.

"N- nevermind," he stutters, fleetingly thinking of kicking the deck. "That's way too personal, you don't have to answer it-"

"I do not mind," Zane says, a bit sadly.

Oh.

Heck, his friend was way too nice.

They gaze up at the stars for a few minutes, not really seeing them - one drowning under the weight of too many secrets, the other, too many memories.

It's quiet - too quiet.

Ugh, he thinks, sighing, that sounds like something a low-budget horror movie would start with, cringey sound effects to match.

But the silence is a painful reminder of the days he'd spent tossing and turning in a cramped cell - nothing but his worries and the bruises on his leg from that stupid ball and chain keeping him awake.

He's been trying hard - maybe too hard - to avoid being alone, avoid being in a situation where they've gotta be quiet ever since then, because, dang it, his memories always seem to fill the silence, and they're always far more terrifying than they should be-

It's easier, in a way, to be mocked for his stupid jokes than it is to relive a single moment from those nightmarish few weeks.

Almost reflexively, he grasps for something to fill the quiet.

"Heh, this is a bit awkward. It's okay if you wanna leave-"

"I do not mind," Zane echoes, walking a bit closer. "It is not as if I need to sleep. But... I do not quite know what to think of your question."

There comes the answer - or a semblance of one at least, and it's the last thing he'd been expecting.

"You don't know?" he blurts out before he can even think of trying to filter the thought. Way to treat your friend who's been nothing but kind to you, Jay. "But you're- you're a nindroid! You know everything-"

"Pixal," his friend mutters softly, sighing, and the hurt, the fear, laced through the word makes something in his heart practically twist. He knows all too well what it feels like to be in that situation - even if, technically, it had never happened.

Then- "I wish that were true. But I suppose that my emotions make certain situations much more complicated than... than they need to be. Thus I cannot give my perspective on this - or, at least, without sounding quite conflicted."

"You know that you're allowed to be conflicted, right? Even the coolest Nindroids don't know everything."

"...Yes, I suppose so."

Jay frowns at the almost subconscious hesitation, eyebrows creasing in concern.

"Seriously," he starts earnestly. They're both leaning on one of the railings just above the deck now. "Just 'cause you're a nindroid doesn't mean that you've gotta chase some kind of perfection that doesn't even exist."

He doesn't miss how Zane's eyes widen in shock, their bright blue hue glowing a little brighter - and heck, if that doesn't hurt even more than the earlier realization.

"Besides - it's not like none of us haven't made mistakes before. Hate to go all Wu on ya, but they help us learn or some stupid thing like that. Even if the mistake is trying not to make 'em, you know?"

"Thank you," Zane replies, a tired smile on his face. "Even the most advanced tech is susceptible to error, I suppose."

They've all made lots of mistakes, heaven forbid if one of them is still agonizing over messing up over the crazy situations the universe constantly put them in. It's not like they were told they'd have to face more ancient evil armies than they could count, were they?

Maybe it's time to stop focusing on events that never even happened, and pay more attention to your friends. What's the point of being part of this team if you're always scared or selfish?

"Shut up," he mumbles, rubbing his temples. What's the point of fighting if your own brain is gonna fight you whenever it gets a chance? A few seconds later, he schools his face back into his default anxious grin. "Great, cause I- I- could use your advice on something." "Alright," comes the quiet reply, his friend seemingly lost in thought.

"What if you wanted to tell someone something, but you couldn't?"

His breathing starts to speed up again, but he grips the deck until his fingers are practically bruised, stark white against his tanned skin. Not this time-

"Is this what you were referring to earlier? An event that you blamed yourself for?" Zane asks, eyes flitting between the floor and the sky.

Dang it, way too observant as usual. He masks his surprise with a laugh, but the conversation definitely isn't going as planned and, oh gosh oh gosh, what if-

No, there's no way that any of them would even believe that. Besides - no one can remember stuff that they've forgotten, especially if magic's at play.

"Yeah, kinda," and he's surprised by how steady his voice sounds. It's not easy to even think about that- event, talking about it is a whole different thing. A much more difficult thing, but also - a bit, a little bit, easier. "I-" "Apologies for interrupting," his friend interjects. "I suppose that I have not been entirely honest with you." What?

"A few days ago, I discovered a number of deleted memory files buried deep within my code."

Just like that, his whole world tilts out from underneath him.

It takes every ounce of his strength to keep himself from falling into the abyss again.

Wait, what?

Has he really known for all this time? It's been weeks! Surely he would've said something? It can't be, it never even-

The rational part of his mind points out that he can remember every day of those few weeks. Well, he was the one to make the wish - magical logic is kinda stupid, but maybe that's why he had to remember it or something?

Well then, a small voice interjects, why was Nya cursed to remember everything too?

Of course, even the stupid magical logic doesn't even make sense to the one who caused this whole mess in the first place.

"They were almost entirely corrupted - scrambled in a way that I am not familiar with. However, I did realize that certain files bore dates that have not even occurred yet. I dismissed it as a problem with my code, however..."

Breathe, calm down, it's not like he was able to process them or anything-

We agreed that no one was supposed to know! What if they end up blaming us for keeping it a secret this long, or, or-

"I mean, they could've been-" he starts, but the way in which he's nervously twisting his fingers is a pretty clear indication that he's lying, dang it.

"So when you mentioned that you were unable to tell someone something - did you mean that it was because they had quite literally forgotten about it?"

Great. Fantastic. Of course the literal robot has pieced it together by now-

He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute, hoping that if he ignores the problem, maybe it'll go away.

Okay, fine, maybe he's trying to figure out a way to fix this whole mess. Doesn't mean that he's any closer to coming up with a solution, though.

"Er, yeah," he whispers, shoulders slumped, eyes still firmly shut. Because gosh, he doesn't want to - can't, can't - see the realization dawn that, yeah, he's lied to people he's known for years and years, even though they've all seen way too many times that secrets bring nothing but trouble-

"Well, then - I would say that you don't have to tell them," Zane replies, surprisingly... earnestly? That, or he's either too freaked out to understand the tone properly. Could be either.

He opens his eyes, hesitantly.

And it comes as a bit of a shock to find nothing but concern reflected in his friend's.

The almost persistent weight on his chest feels a little lighter now, like the sky isn't as quite so empty.

Well, it still kinda is. But that doesn't hold as much weight as he'd thought it did - not if one of his friends is willing to look past that; past the heaviness of holding up all those memories with nothing his single star, flickering in and out of the darkness, to try and light the unforgiving darkness of the sky.

"Why?" Jay asks, so quietly he can barely hear it himself. "Don't I owe it to them? Do you?"

"No. Definitely not," comes the reply, so full of conviction that he almost stumbles back. Why-

"My father..."

Oh- oh.

"thought it was better to spare me the pain of mourning him than for me to know who I was," Zane confesses, hesitantly. "Not that I disagree, necessarily. I just..."

He trails off, clutching the railing so hard that the wood almost snaps beneath his titanium fingers.

It takes Jay a little while to realize why - why exactly his friend, who has access to a wealth of knowledge and information, is grasping for an answer. Because- because, well, even if someone does something in your best interests - sometimes the choice isn't always up to them. Or maybe it is, but it was... difficult, to say the least, to let go of the fact that his parents had never told him the truth sooner. Not that he blames them, necessarily - it's not like they knew that his father would pass on before he'd even get the chance to meet him - but... it's confusing, and difficult, not to know why you were left at a junkyard as soon as you were born. Maybe if he'd known that sooner, he could've asked the one person who might've had answers - although it's not like hoping for the past to change will actually change it.

They don't even know that you know, a small voice at the back of his mind points out, and suddenly everything makes a lot more sense-

"You wanted a choice," he breathes, eyes widening. A choice - like one that he'd never been given, one that he stills struggles not to hold against two people who've always had his best interests at heart. Even if they did have the right to withhold that one thing, after all they've done for him - the 'what if's' still echo in his mind far more often than he'd like. "There's nothing wrong with that, even if it feels that way. I kinda get where you're coming from, dude, and it's... super confusing, but I'd be pretty mad if my memories were tampered with like that."

So would anyone, he realizes, heart sinking. Oh, great. Not helping-

"I- I suppose so?" Zane answers, but it sounds more like a question than a reply. "However, in the same vein, it would be unwise for you to give away your choice whilst you still have one." "But don't I owe it to everyone? You just said it, it's horrible to alter people's memories and I- I-" "Did we forget... whatever it was for a good reason? "I- I mean, I guess, but..." "Then you do not owe it to us to relive something that we do not even remember." The words should be a relief - and they kinda are. But some part of him really does want to explain the crazy alternate timeline, and everything that happened in it. It's just... really, really freaking difficult.

"What if- what if I wanted to, though?" Jay asks hysterically, running his hands through his hair in a frenzied sort of way. "And I still couldn't? I just, I-"

He cuts himself off with a bout of forced laughter.

Zane takes a moment to reply, the bright blue light in his eyes flickering - a small tell that he was thinking so deeply, his processors were literally sparking up a bit.

"You queried earlier if it was easier, or better, to forget. And while all situations are different, I suppose it is... well, subjective. What do you think?" Zane asks, softly.

Derailing the conversation a bit, but his friend's obviously smart enough to be leading up to something.

Sure, he'll go along with it.

"I mean, there are some things I'd rather forget, you know? I guess we all know what that feels like," Jay replies, the statement with oddly sad air to it. They're still kids, after all, and it gets a bit exhausting pretending that their superhero lives were all fun and games - when they'd just given him enough grey hair to last then lifetimes, and enough nightmares to keep him from ever getting the normal amount of sleep his mum always prattled on about.

Sleep, heh heh. Practically a foreign concept, now.

"And I know that stuff that happens, like shapes us or something - and Master Wu would probably go off on a whole ramble about why we learn from our mistakes or whatever," he laughs nervously, resisting the urge to just fall headfirst onto the deck of the stupid ship instead of continuing the conversation," and how 'our scars only make us stronger', crap like that, but I just-"

"I'm just really... tired of this," he confesses warily, shoulders slumped. "W- I remember so many horrible things, and I-" he breaks off, laughing bitterly. His voice takes on a sort of brittle quality, way too high pitched, "and I can't even talk about them, dude. If that's not the most pathetic thing ever, I dunno what is."

"It does not-"

"Don't say it," Jay mutters, rubbing his temples. "I know, I know, my feelings aren't pathetic, they're always valid, whatever, spare me the lecture-"

"That is not what I was going to say," Zane replies gently. "It just seems that you have answered your own question."

"Gee, which one?"

"I do not know how much helpful assistance I can provide in this situation, but it is understandable to wish certain events had never occurred. However, seeing as we cannot change the past, it seems unwise to dwell on said events if you can avoid it."

Jay stiffens, clamping a shaky hand over his mouth. Something seems to press down even harder on his chest, a heavy sort of weight that causes his breathing to speed up again. Don't say it don't say it there's no reason to warn them this time-

"If you would like to tell any of us about something, of course you are welcome to. It does not to be the whole story, after all. Just make sure that it is the decision you choose, not one you choose because of what you think how it will affect others," Zane finishes quietly, ducking his head as if he's embarrassed.

The stars are still white-hot, burning away some million miles above them.

"Thanks," he says, and puts his hand softly on Zane's shoulder. "I mean, I know - that all makes sense, I guess. It's just- I-"

"You want to?"

"Yeah," Jay starts, sighing, "I do. It's just- it's not just my choice. And I'm pretty much dying already right now, so, as fantastic as making it all worse sounds, hard pass."

Oops, maybe he shouldn't have said that last bit. They'd agreed not to tell anyone about it - even this conversation was cutting it way too close. It wasn't impossible for them to put everything together - they were a pretty smart group, after all, even without their resident inventor and engineer - and Jay didn't really know what he'd think if they did. Fearful? Relieved? Angry?

"That does... not sound great? Dying certainly does not seem-"

"It's called sarcasm, Zane."

"Oh- yes. My memory now accesses the fact that people often speak in that manner. It does seem a bit counterproductive, though. Why not just say what you mean?"

"Shut it, you have no clue how integral to my life it is," Jay replies with a halfhearted grin.

A few seconds later, he remembers something his friend had mentioned earlier, and the grin disappears.

"You know that you can talk to us if you're not happy, right?" he asks, earnestly. Sure, it's not like he could always do that, considering, well, a stupid djin and even stupider magic, but it's not like he needs to. It's- well- he'll be okay, probably. Maybe. Kinda.

Zane's eyes blink on and off again, blue fading in and out. "I... I suppose that I was not quite aware of that."

Okay, they've screwed up way too many times, but this... this is pretty bad. Dang it, how long does it take for them to throw self-preservation instincts at their friend before he freaking- picks them up or something?

"However, will it not hurt those who have experienced the same unfortunate events?"

Dude, not the best question to ask someone wondering the exact same thing-

"It's been... uh, nice, kind of, talking to you. So- I don't think so, and I'm pretty sure someone would say so if it did. Besides, don't we talk about our adventures all the time? It'd probably be better if we... uh, well- heh heh, nothing."

"If we talked about the less than positive elements of them? Perhaps, but I still-"

Maybe it's the fact Zane has always tried to be there for him, or maybe he's too sleep deprived to care anymore, but this is a way too familiar situation and-

Well, not ignoring the issue would be a start.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we're family, Zane. We care about each other. And, gosh, that means that we care about you too. Memories are stupid and annoying sometimes, but we have to make good ones too, right? To block out the bad ones a bit, I guess? Kinda, at least."

They both look away from the stars now, grappling for something else to say.

In the end, they leave it be with a hug and a fondly exasperated warning about sleeping, if you happen to need it.

After all, they're family. They don't have to be perfect, or tell each other everything - even if it does take them a long time to realize that, and an even longer time remembering it.

---

The next time Jay startles awake from a nightmare, the sky is still empty - painfully so, like an ache that simmers beneath the surface even when it's not able to be seen.

The hue, though, is a little lighter.

Just a little - the all-encompassing darkness of it is now a navy sort of blue, his star shining a little bit brighter.

It's still not sunrise, not even close - but he'll take it. AN: the ‘sky’ mentioned at the start and end is a stupid metaphor that i somehow ended up liking too much to trash, it’s ‘empty’ because he hasn’t told anyone about the timeline, and Nya’s not included because they never had a chance to tell each other everything significant or even talked about it or processed it on screen. so yeah! if you read this,,, not great thing, can i send you a hug or good vibes or smth? tyy🥺

[wwwafflewrites]

A Rewrite of History

Chapter 11—Bugs (Part 2)

The Winchesters had been generous compared to this guy. If you had been cramped before, this was suffocating. You were in the passenger seat, with a gag pulling tight on your lips.

To even consider fighting against him was a joke.

Your nose flared as you breathed heavily—as it was taking all your focus not to puke all over yourself and the van (considering you had a gag in your mouth—gross). 

You grimaced, tteeth grinding against the wet rag. Your headache was killer, and even though this was supposed to be a traumatizing event, you could feel yourself on the verge of passing out. 

You sure put the nap in 'kidnapped'.

The Winchesters had probably found your little crime scene already. They both were as quick as a whip, so it wouldn't be long until they figured it all out and came for you. That is, if you were important enough to look for.

You'd like to believe you were a little more valuable than a map to find John, now. You had planted your little hints—little bits of the future for them to digest. That had to be enough to intrigue anyone. Especially the Winchesters.

It would be stupid on their end to just let you go.

The van lurched to a stop and you threw your eyes open, not even realizing they'd drifted shut.

You were so tired.

Your vision was fuzzy and it hurt your head to squint into the night. You were miserable. But you watched as the demon left, and you did a double take as he walked over to a familiar vehicle, instead.

That's my car.

It was enough to get you to press your face closer to the window. A figure emerged from behind the car. 

Meg.

You watched, dumbfounded, as she approached the demon. Didn’t she first appear in Scarecrow? That was at least a few episodes away.

You tensed as she pointed in your direction. The other demon nodded, approaching the van again.

What are they saying about me? 

When he threw open the car door, you fell with it, falling down onto the gravel without any way to break your fall.

“Well,” Meg scoffed, kicking at you, "this is disappointing. This is supposed to be 'the one'? She’s a twig.”

Other Demon™ wrenched you upward—seriously, could we please stop with all the sudden movements?—and ripped the gag from your mouth. It left a line of saliva down your chin, but you were too miserable to care. 

You snorted. “Angels tell you that? Because they never lie.”

Other threw your back into the van, and your vision grayed out.

Shit.

You blacked out—only long enough for your knees to buckle, and for you to choke under Other's iron hold—and then you were back. You were barely able to shuffle back on your feet, sputtering.

The ringing in your ears was gradually drowned out by a buzzing, and everyone paused. 

“You,” you coughed wetly, “hear that too?”

Everyone turned to watch as a great swarm blocked out the moon and stars, and you barely had enough conscience to feel fear.

Bugs.

You slid down the side of the van, alone.

Light swam over the area. The buzzing faded.

Was it them?

Shouting. Shouting and light.

Had they come for you?

You felt your eyelids flutter.

You shuddered, sobbing into the dirt when you couldn’t move.

Your panic attack still crushed your lungs as you were forcefully shaken, and, terrified, you gawked into the green eyes of a cross Dean Winchester.

You tried to push him away, but he just pinned you down, scowling and shouting some more.

“—drove—?”

"—what else—?—is there—"

“—her—all we know—”

"—did you—left—should have—"

They were talking about you, but you couldn’t give a damn.

You were so so tired.

"—concuss—"

"—don't let—"

"—know!"

"—dead?"

"—!—"

Without warning, the light around you brightened to become one blindingly white abyss. When you blinked, Dean's face was all but gone, replaced by Castiel.

"Where am I?" you asked. There was no pain. Where had your pain gone?

"Heaven," he said. He left you no time for questions before his hand reached up, caressing—

You woke abruptly to a hard slap on your face.

You gasped—you could breathe!—and your eyes shot open. 

Your headache had melted away, your aches were no more, and the rings of torn flesh around your wrists were gone, as well as your handcuffs.

You were healed.

You blinked, feeling weirdly refreshed as you looked past Dean, as if to catch a glimpse of Castiel behind him. But there was nothing. Meg was gone. Other was gone. There was just a wash of light over gravel where they had all been.

“Whatcha' looking at?”

You looked him dead in the eyes and answered, “A bitch.”

Dean frowned. “Funny,” he said, wrenching you up by the arm and pulling you away from the van. “Thought you were dead for a good minute there." 

“Not dead,” you replied, "but that was horrible."

“I don’t know, it looked like fun.”

You rolled your eyes. Asshole.

Dean still had you by the arm, pulling you toward Sam, who emerged from behind your car.

"Entire car was invested," said Sam as he approached, your bag in his hands. "Got us some weapons, though."

Sam dropped the bag and out rolled the jar of peanut butter and your loaf of bread, which was crawling with bugs.

The last of my food.

Dean wrinkled his nose. "Peanut butter and bread? You live like this?" He kicked the bag away like it was repulsive.

Well, screw you too, Dean.

"Also…" Sam trailed off as he grabbed a weapon. The angel blade. "What is this?"

"It's a knife," you said innocently.

Sam's expression pinched. "Yeah, I can see that," he said. "I mean, what does it do? What is it made of? And can it kill you?"

How ironic, considering you'd died a minute ago (or… you were pretty sure, anyway). It clearly didn't take much to kill you, and that blade wouldn't be an exception.

But they didn't need to know that.

"We could always just see for ourselves." Dean shrugged when you didn't reply.

You snapped at him, "If you wanted to, you'd have done it already. You need me alive." Man, you were beginning to sound like the typical monster. That was depressing. "And it's just a fancy knife. I stole it, okay?"

"You stole our gun too," Sam said as he pulled out their gun from your backpack. "And our dad's journal. You’re quite the thief."

You scoffed. "You're one to talk, Mr.CreditCardFraud. You both love to judge me for everything you guys do daily."

Sam's expression hardened. "Oh, right, because we kill innocents and work with demons."

You gaped at him. "Are you kidding me? You thought that entire kidnapping was me working with them?!" You were on the verge of hysteria. "And I'm sure you thought all those restraints were just funhousing, right? Good times with my demonic pals?"

"Not sure what you're talking about."

You frowned. "I mean just now. Big, burly guy? Ring any bells?" You didn't feel like mentioning Meg.

"Uh… no. Nobody was here but you."

You blinked.

What.

You glanced between the two of them. “But… there was sulfur left behind, wasn’t there?”

“Doesn’t mean anything," Dean denied.

"Because you think I'm a demon. Then why haven't you tested me with holy water yet?"

"We did. Earlier. When I knocked you out. But just because it didn't burn you, doesn't mean you're not something else."

"Either I left the sulfur, or I didn't. You can't simultaneously believe I'm a demon and something else," you said, exasperated.

"Watch me."

"The van, then. The demon drove the van.”

"You hotwired it," he said easily. "See, you left a ton of blood behind—definitely enough to kill a person, mind you. When we found you, you still had blood pooling out of your stomach. And then, magically, you healed. Not a scratch on you."

Blood pooling from your..? What were they talking about? He was exaggerating, probably.

You could see where he was going. And it wasn't helping your case. "Do a blood test, then. That blood on the sidewalk won’t match with mine."

Dean leaned back, tilting his head in consideration before nodding to Sam. "Fine." 

Sam reached over, slammed the handcuffs back on your wrists, and lifted you over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. 

“Kinky," you wheezed.

Sam ignored you.

You couldn’t deny that you kinda had a good view of that booty though… and his toned back and broad shoulders.

Not the time, brain. Shut up. 

Sam threw you in the Impala, and it was deja vu. Back at square one.

Slumping into the seat, you took some time to reflect.

Had you hallucinated Meg and Other?

No, you couldn't have. How else could you explain finding your car? How else could you explain the hallucinations, other than from the brain damage you got from Other repeatedly bashing your poor head on walls and sidewalks?

Your memories were a garbled mess. Like a dream confused with reality.

Then there was the whole heaven thing. Had he interfered? Was the light—instead of headlights—actually Heaven saving you? You lingered on the idea. That meant Castiel was looking out for you, at least.

There were so many things you couldn't explain yourself, much less to the Winchesters.

And Sam… Sam was going to be a hassle.

Older Sam would have tried to understand you by now. He was more level-headed. Monsters weren't all black and white in his eyes—mostly because he knew what being the monster was like.

But this Sam? He was so freaking young. Naive, grieving, and angry. Not to mention, he blamed you for the death of his girlfriend, which was setting him back on his ability to empathize with you. He absolutely hated you.

After all, instead of evidence to prove your innocence, the Winchesters instead kept finding the complete opposite. Every good deed you did was tainted by either the heaven's bloodthirsty intervention, or just your own naiveté. 

Your guilt was climbing so high that you were beginning to agree with the Winchesters. You were the monster—I mean, look at all the times I'd screwed up!

Your presence was killing people. Whether it was your intention or not.

You sighed.

Sam was twirling the angel blade in the car, getting a feel for the weapon. He said, “You know, when I said you were 'working with demons', I actually meant the one from a few weeks ago—the Bloody Mary case."

"You mean the demon I killed? Because that totally sounds like I was scheming with demons.”

Sam paused. "You killed it with this knife, right?"

You went quiet. Damn.

He twirled it again. "Thought so. So it is more than a 'fancy knife'. Makes me wonder what else you're lying about."

"As if you wouldn't be lying your head off if you were in my position. I forgot how honest you two are." You snorted. "You two have no problem lying to each other. Like, seriously? Dean, you lied to Sam about the demon knowing about Jessica's death. On your, what, fourth hunt with him since he'd gone to college?"

Hypocrites. Both of them.

The statement made Sam squint. "How the hell would you ever know?"

"Uh, I was with you? On the plane?" Anxiety pooled in your stomach.

"No, you vanished into thin air before that conversation ever happened," Dean accused. "Another reason to believe you aren't human."

"I have my sources." Sources. Right. What sources?

"And what the hell are your sources?"

Supernatural, you wanted to say, the television show that ruined my life. But how could you tell them that?

You couldn't tell them you were a demon, either. Not only because you weren't—but that would just spell out a whole lot of trouble for you. Not to mention they now possessed your angel blade.

And you most definitely couldn't tell them the truth.

So you did the insane.

"I'm psychic."

///

Tags: @megamindsdespondentcousin​ @depressedunicorn43​ , @rosaren2498​ , @pillowjj​ , @busy-bee-angel-misska​ , @elliotts-world​ , @dagnylokisdottir​ , @omg-we-really-doo​ , @millieccino​ , @regainedworld , @badgal-jackie​ , @postcardsfromliterallynowhere​ , @super-calithehamm​ , @teresa-67​ , @ofthedewthesunlight​ , @dream-believe-and-love​ 

[livefordrama]

Reviewing Dramas I Have Watched Part 8

Again, here is my rating system:  1- Did not like, 2- Enjoyed but probably wouldn’t watch again, 3- Enjoyed and would watch some episodes again/may watch again, 4- Enjoyed and would watch again, 5- Loved 

Korean Drama

My Strange Hero: 4

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Bullying, Verbal and Emotional Abuse

My Strange Hero is about a man named Bok-su (which stands for revenge), who was falsely accused by his friend and girl friend of shoving his friend off the school roof and expelled from high school. Now nine years later, he gets the opportunity to return to school but he isn’t just going to go back nicely, seeing the seemingly cozy lives those who betrayed him are living he decides to enact his revenge by proving how corrupt the high school and the people working in it are. However, his plans for revenge get more difficult to achieve when he begins to fall for his ex-girlfriend once again. 

This show was cute and interesting, it made me mad and lot and Yoo Seung-ho never disappoints. I ended up watching it in less than a week with studying and all so it draws you in really fast. I absolutely loved the realistic factor of not having to forgive everyone for a good ending and to move on. Many shows, kdrama or otherwise, make characters forgive even those who did horrible things to them just for a good ending, and it’s not always that simple nor do you owe those who did horrible things to you an apology to be a good person and move on looking at you Missing Nine. However my main complaint with it is that the ending isn’t as impactful or satisfying as the ending three episodes previous. I’m glad they had the three ending episodes because the other characters got more closure, I just wish they would have made it as impactful as the ending of episode 29. It is about thirty minutes an episode so it’s a really fun and interesting watch if you need something on the shorter side. I highly recommend!

Love Alarm (Season 1): 3 

Trigger Warning: Bullying, Suicide, PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Abuse 

Love Alarm deals with the concept of having an app that can read your emotions and alerts your phone when you are in 10 meters of someone who loves you or alerts your crushes phone if they are within the 10 meters. It follows Jojo, a girl with a mysterious and sad past, who can’t download Love Alarm because of her phone. She is in an unhappy relationship and begins to have feelings for the new student. After being kind to a student, he gives her the phone and she can finally download it only to find that love is a lot more complicated than she originally expected. 

Okay, I started this show because the new season was coming out and everyone was freaking out about it. I had been avoiding it all this time because I love Song Kang and have been following his work since his smaller roles, hoping he would get bigger roles. I was so excited when I first heard he would be the main here but couldn’t ever bring myself to watch it cause I don’t like romance love triangles and already knew he was playing the webtoon second lead which made it worse. Plus I have a trauma with anything that has Kim So-Hyun in it. I adore her acting, she is so good, too good. She just always plays in really sad, dark Kdramas and I always like the second leads in her shows so I just get sad and angry when I watch her shows. I at the time just didn’t feel like dealing with being annoyed and finally got in the mood to watch a cheesy love triangle romance. *spoiler alert* I can confidentially say that while no character and no ship is necessarily healthy, I do prefer Sun-ho to Hye-yeong. No, not because he is played by Song Kang, in the first few episodes I hated his character. I wanted to punch him so badly, but with all his immature flaws he did do some mature things. He told Hye-yeong to not fight over Jojo and to let her pick which I loved because, shows like to have the two people fight amongst themselves who gets the crush and that’s so stupid to me, Jojo is a person with feelings too and she might not like either so I loved that he said that. I also loved that instead of telling Hye-yeong not to pursue Jojo because he still loved her, he told Jojo to stay away from Hye-yeong so that he wouldn’t be hurt by her like Sun-ho was. He still loved her but his friend came first, and I felt horrible when he lost almost everyone who genuinely loved him. Hye-yeong is okay, but he isn’t even a healthier option, he literally stalks her all the time without her even knowing about it, he memorized her daily routine, where he’s going to college so he could move there to be around her, it’s just too creepy to me. Yes, Sun-oh stalked her too and that is not okay at all, but he made his presence known so that she can voice if she was uncomfortable or knew to call someone if she felt threatened, Hye-yeong sneaks around and doesn’t even talk to her and that’s super creepy to me. I just think they are both immature and personally with some growth I think Sun-oh is more fitting than Hye-yeong cause the two really do seem like they are in love with each other while Jojo and Hye-yeong seem like a crush that will turn out to be more platonic. I know it’s wishful thinking but that’s just my hopes. *spoiler over* I did really love this show actually, sometimes you just need a trashy dramatic romance. Yes, it had toxic behaviors but I still liked it, it felt like a realistic teenage couple in high school (minus Mr. Stalkery Stalks.) I think that not everything has to be analyzed, I enjoyed the cute romantic scenes at face value, even though I knew they weren’t healthy. If it happened to me in real life, I would have punched a bitch but it’s fun to watch on a screen. 

Blood: 2

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Suicide, Terminal illness, Murder, Abuse. 

Blood is about a surgeon who is also a vampire. He tries to control his vampire self and help humans while working on a way to make himself human. When he transfers to a new hospital things take a turn for the weird as the patients of the new ward start exhibiting symptoms he is all too familiar with. 

Blood was really good for the first two thirds of the series. I watched it before I found out about the main couples real life situation but continued to enjoy it because it’s none of my business what they do in their personal lives (so please don’t message or leave comments about that situation or your opinions on it.) Both couples were super cute and there were some plot twists that admittedly got me. I liked the story line and the idea that vampires were viruses that doctors were researching in secret. I really got hooked for most of the story; however, the last few episodes felt almost like they switched writers and the new writer had never watched the previous episodes. Comments were made that never were brought up again, like the thirty minutes of vaguely discussing his parents and who he was as an infectee that was never even slightly brushed upon for the rest of the episodes let alone resolved. Not to mention that last episode was a total mess and the ending sucked. The last two episodes are not canon in my mind that’s how weirdly out of place for the show they felt, it was like a 180. The ending was so confusing and I just really hated how it all played out. Because of this, I give the show a 2 cause I did enjoy it a lot but I won’t watch it again. Once of that was enough. 

Legend Hero: 4

Legend Hero, also known as Legend Hero Samgugjeon or Legends Heroes the Three Kingdoms, is about people who compete in a dream battle to acquire their ultimate dream. The main character acquired three spirit helpers which help him in combat by transforming him into an armored knight with special power, and later befriends angels who help him in the battles by boosting this power. He has to fight friend and foe alike to achieve his ultimate dream but that begs the question, is a dream really worth it?

I really enjoyed this show, it was admittedly difficult to get into at first but once I did, I was hooked. The characters were so cute and endearing, the plot had humor, angst, and fluff alike. The acting was a little silly at points but it was made for kids so it’s a little overdramatic. It was all around a very entertaining watch, I watched the whole series while on vacation during the resting hours when my family and I were lazing around the hotel and it was such a refreshing, happy, lazy watch. I highly recommend for those who enjoy a happy watch when they just wish to relax.

Web-Drama/Mini-Series

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave: 4

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave, while technically a sequel to the super sentai series, is a original stand alone production and sSouth Korean take on the power rangers series. While the power rangers finally enjoy the peace that had come to the earth, a new threat is brewing. The Neo-Deboth Army has arrived looking for the power of the dinosaur king, the power ranger once more have to come together to defeat this threat.

This show was super interesting and cute. I have never seen any of the power ranger series so I am entirely inexperienced when it comes to their world. However, I can confidentially say this is a good stand alone as I was not confused while watching it. The first episode got recommended to me on youtube and since I was bored and unsure of what to do, I decided to watch it. I believe I finished the whole series in only a few days. It was super cute and I liked how ironic and silly the ending was with all the characters, including the evil ones dancing together. I’m sure die hard power rangers fans hated that but as someone who knows nothing about the series, I found it quite hilarious. The plot itself was entertaining and cool, it had some angst moments and some cute moments. I loved the ending, but that’s all I will say about that. 

Founder of Diabolism Q: 3

Founder of Diabolism Q is simply snippets of cute or funny scenes from the book that didn’t make it into the series or at least not in as much detail. It follows many characters in small, five minute long episodes and the shenanigans they get in to. 

Founder of Diabolism Q was super cute! I have watched The Untamed and read some of the book but haven’t watch the actual anime yet. Still, I decided to watch this short series. I watched each episode as it came out and loved every one. There isn’t much to say on it though, other than it was super cute and if you love The Untamed or its adaptions, I highly recommend. Just make sure you watch or read one of the full adaptions first otherwise you will be very confused. 

Imaginary Cat: 4

Trigger Warning: Depression, Suicide, Vomit, Illness, Death

Imaginary Cat is about an aspiring webtoon artist who, after loosing his crush and falling into a depression, finds a cat in an alley and takes her in. He is able to recover from the loss and get back into writing when he meets a girl who is obsessed with cats especially after she lost her kitten as a child. He is just trying to get his webtoon accepted and she just wants to get close to him and his cat. 

This was such a cute little easy watch, but was really sad at some points throughout the series. I teared up through some scenes and laughed so hard through others. I also related a lot to how the main plays with his cat, especially when said cat wants none of it. It was a really nice mini-drama to watch in the very little time I had between studying and moving house. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would highly recommend to those who want a easy watch that’s a little sad and very cute. 

Korean Movies

The Magician: 4

Trigger Warning: Blood, Abuse, Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Murder, Death

The Magician is set in the Joseon Era and follows the famous magician, Hwan-hee. He along with his blind friend Bo-eum ran away from their abusive caretaker as children and are still worrying about being found by him even to this day as they perform to keep their livelihoods. Meanwhile a noble lady who was sold to the Qing dynasty comes to town. The two end up running into each other and quickly fall in love, however they both have to overcome the obstacles in their way in order to be together. 

I loved this movie, I had to pause a few times just to process how much I personally enjoyed it. I wish I was able to watch it in a better quality because I never once saw how his one eye was blue, I just took their word and the movie poster for it. Unfortunately, it was the only place I could find to watch so I took what I could. The only reason I am giving it a four instead of a five is the ending sucked. I hated the ending. It just felt unnecessary and honestly really pissed me off. I don’t always need a happy ending but I also didn’t need that kind of ending either. I would still recommend it to those who like angst with some romance and a open-ish ending. 

Seondal The Man Who Sells the River: 5

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Death, Vomit, Gore

Seondal is supposedly a comedy about a group of swindlers who become fast family after escaping from a war they were drafted in. They work together to swindle their way into riches and out of dangerous situations. They gained a huge name in the Joseon dynasty for even swindling the king. However, after tragedy strikes, they decide to do their greatest job yet, sell a river of fake gold. 

The movie was really good, both funny and heartbreaking. My friend and I watched it together thinking it would be a nice comedy after we watched some sad kdrama earlier that week however, it was most certainly not. We both ended up crying and raging. So just be warned it claims to be a comedy and it is hilarious for the first half of the movie, however it quickly turns dark so fast you are just sitting their in shock wondering what happened. I thought Xiumin’s acting was great and his character was adorable. I had not seen his acting before and he easily became a favorite. The movie’s plot and writing kept you engaged and entertained throughout and the ending was great in my opinion. Overall it was a really good watch, I have seen it twice now and thoroughly enjoyed it. I highly recommend to those who enjoy both comedy and angst.

Previous

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[jamesbuchananxsteviegrant]

Jaw Dropping, Blood Pouring | Steve x Bucky x Reader (Angst)

Category: Angst (Suggested) Age: 15+ Trigger Warnings: Gun violence Ship: Bucky x Steve x Reader Summary: Reader Gets Seriously Hurt On A Mission Request: N/A Contains Spoilers for: N/A Word Count: 1,733

---

“Tony, you go East side with Bruce. Natasha, you go with Clint and Thor to check out the South side. Bucky and (Y/N) will go North and whoever is done first, go clear West. Got it?” Steve announces as the team group up, analyses the amount of aliens attacking the city.

The team all nod and head off in their respective directions.

“Right, guys-“ Steve begins to talk to his two partners only to see them already running off to fight. He can’t help but chuckle and shake his head, running off after them.

“Catch up, Stevie.” (Y/N) calls, jokingly, as he joins their fight.

The man manages to chuckle as he blocks attack after attack.

“Alright, sweetheart, don’t let your head get too big for your boots.”

The girl grins to herself as she continues to fight off the creatures. The truth is they have no idea what is attacking the city but they won’t stop until they’re gone.

Tony put together her whole get-up. Outfit is more-or-less similar to Natasha’s, but she’s on the guns. Tony found out about her online from some competitions she’d won year after year and had to trace her down. No-one knows to this day how she got her expertise gun skills, but they don’t question it. Tony set her up with some guns that essentially shoot out the same beams as his suit.

The trio together are practically unstoppable. Back when they first told the team that they were together, Tony demanded that they don’t go on missions together because they’ll distract one another, but Natasha argued for them.

“Are you kidding, Stark? (L/N), Barnes and Rogers on a mission would be an unstoppable force!”

They all remember it and it will forever make them laugh.

“STEVE!” Bucky yells, shooting the creature that was about to attack his boyfriend.

There’s no time for thank yous, Steve merely smiling in appreciation.

The thing that makes the trio unstoppable is that they refuse to let anything hurt the other. None of them would be able to handle any of them getting hurt. Their sole purpose is to protect one another. Which is why when they hear her scream, they panic. Everything else, every other creature attacking the city becomes irrelevant at the sound of her scream. Her fear. Her pain.

Bucky and Steve both instantly kill the creatures they’re attacking and turn to look at their girl, seeing the huge gash in her back that’s bleeding out through her suit. The sight of her still fighting even tho the amount of blood pouring from her is life-threatening.

“I know I’m gorgeous but can you two stop staring and help me out!” She shouts, voice strained as she continues to fight off the amount of creatures attacking her.

The pair snap out of their trance and sprint toward the girl, Steve throwing his shield to get rid of a large percentage of the bastards whilst Bucky throws punches. Once the aliens are all on the men instead of her, she stumbles back, the pain of her stab wound taking its toll. Her breathing becoming laboured, her eyes falling onto the ground where a puddle of her blood has formed.

Reaching up, the woman presses her ear piece.

“It’s me; we need help round North side, there’s too many of them here and I’ve been injured. Steve and Bucky can’t do this alone.” She forces, her laboured breathing heard by all the team.

“I’m on my way.” Both Clint and Bruce say at the same time.

“Heads up, Rogers, Barnes.” Tony adds, prompting the men to back up as two beams shoot down from Iron Man’s suit, killing a few of the enemies. “Get your girl, we’ll clear this.” He adds.

Bucky and Steve’s heads both snap to look at (Y/N) and run to her as her knees give out.

“(Y/N)!” Steve yells, Bucky catching her.

“Fuck, doll, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. Keep those eyes open for me.” The super soldier coos, stroking her hair.

Tony lands beside them after clearing up the enemies.

“What happened?” He questions.

“She got cut across her back. It’s big and it’s deep.” Steve explains, prompting a chuckle to escape from the woman before it turns into groaning in pain. “Bad time for inappropriate comments, (Y/N).” He teases.

“Your fault, Stevie.” The woman groans, managing to throw her lover a wink.

She takes a moment to try and calm her breathing as it becomes more erratic but it’s barely any use. Bucky wraps his arms around her body, lifting her bridal style.

“Sorry, doll, gotta get you to the jet.” The man murmurs, giving her a sympathetic smile.

(Y/N) isn’t stupid. She can see the whirl of emotions swirling in the man’s eyes as he sees his girlfriend become paler and paler by the second. Without another thought, she raises her hand to his cheek and strokes it, flashing him a smile.

“I love you, James Buchanan Barnes.” She whispers, her voice breaking at the end.

She wants to be strong but she can feel tears forming in her eyes as she feels her body get weaker. She doesn’t want to die. She can’t even begin to imagine how crazy Bucky and Steve will be without her.

“No, no, no, doll. Don’t you do that, don’t you start saying that.” He begs, letting the raw emotions come out.

“I’m so sorry, babe.” (Y/N) whimpers, flicking her gaze to Steve who’s trying to explain to Nat what happened as quickly as he can. “Stevie…” She whispers, her voice not loud enough in the slightest.

“STEVE!” Bucky yells, prompting the Captain to instantly dash to their side.

“I love you, Steven Grant Rogers.” The woman utters to her other partner, watching his heart break.

“No. No, don’t you dare say that. You stay awake, you hear me? You keep those eyes on me and Buck.” He demands, but he knows his words are useless.

(Y/N) can only smile and glance between their two traumatised faces.

“Kiss me.”

Bucky doesn’t hesitate to lean down and press his lips to hers, feeling her tremble.

“I love you, doll.” He murmurs.

“Say my name.” Her voice is becoming quieter and quieter.

“I am in love with you, (Y/N) (M/N) (L/N).”

Smiling, she turns to glance at Steve, Bucky momentarily stopping in his steps so his other partner can kiss the girl.

“I love you, (Y/N) (M/N) (L/N). You’re gonna be alright.” The super soldier states, but before he can say otherwise, her eyes are closed. “(Y/N)!”

“(Y/N)! Open those eyes! Come on, doll, look at me.” Bucky also cries out, breaking into a sprint as he gets to the jet.

///

“She’s awake.” Bruce’s voice prompts the two soldier’s up on their feet. “She’s still in a pretty critical condition but she’ll be fine.”

The men nod and enter the room, relief flooding them as they see their girl’s eyes immediately.

“(Y/N)…” Steve breathes out, both men striding toward her bed, standing on either side.

“Hey, Cap. Sarge.” Her voice is still strained but she’s smiling.

The girl can see the bloodshot eyes of her lovers and it breaks her heart.

“You’ve been crying.” She whispers, hand hands reaching up to rest of the cheek of both of the men, them leaning down to assist.

“Can you blame us?” Bucky mutters, forcing a smile.

“We thought we’d lost you, sweetheart.” Steve adds, his own hand reaching up to rest on hers.

***

“Barnes, Rogers, stay back, let Banner take her!” Natasha attempts, trying to stop the men fighting to stay by their girl’s side as she’s led into the medical bay.

Steve calms himself before Bucky does, Bucky relentlessly trying to get to the girl.

“Buck,” Captain attempts, grabbing his partner’s shoulder. “Bucky, please.” He begs, voice breaking as he he’s the distress in his lover’s eyes.

Something snaps Bucky out of his trance as he hers the pain in Steve’s voice, stopping his thrashing and turning toward the super soldier.

“Steve…” The Winter Soldier’s voice murmurs, reaching forward and wrapping his arms around the man.

Steve breaks. His job is to try and be strong for both Bucky and (Y/N), knowing that they’ve been through the most pain, but right now he can’t do it. His girl is in there fighting for her life because he failed to protect her. His only damn job on that field is to protect her and he failed.

“Stevie,” Bucky breathes as he feels the man’s sobs and whimpers that are muffled by his jacket.

James wants nothing more than to assure his partner that their girl will be alright but he’s just as scared. Just as traumatised and just as guilty.

“She’s gonna be fine. She’s stronger than any of us lot, that’s for sure. Have a little faith in her.” Tony attempts to calm his two friends.

Friends.

Truth is he still hates Bucky with a burning passion but he trusts Steve’s word. Or at least he’s trying to.

(Y/N) is his best friend as well and if she can fall in lover with the Winter Soldier, then he can’t be all that bad. She’s not a stupid woman. She wouldn’t date a criminal.

Bucky can’t help but press continuous kisses to his boyfriend’s head as he continues to sob.

“I love you, Stevie. She’s gonna be alright and so are we, okay?”

***

“I’m sorry.” (Y/N) whispers, feeling tears form in her own eyes as she looks into the depths of Bucky and Steve’s.

Both the soldiers widen their eyes.

“What?” Bucky questions.

“No. God, no, sweetheart, don’t apologise. Don’t apologise for this.” Steve adds. “We should’ve protected you…”

The girl frantically shakes her head in denial of Steve’s words.

“It’s not your job to protect me; I’m a big girl who can protect herself, I just got caught out and fucked myself over.”

Bucky presses his lips to the woman’s knuckles.

“Never scare me - us - like that again. I can’t lose you. Steve can’t lose you. Nobody in this damned tower can lose you, alright, doll?” He tells her, prompting more tears to fall from her eyes.

She nods her head.

“I love you so much, Bucky. And you, Stevie.” Her weak voice whimpers.

“We love you too, sweetheart.” Steve responds, also kissing her hand.

“So fucking much, doll, you have no idea.”

[cry-stars]

The Ice Cream Parlour (part 1?)

@distant-glory, you asked for it! Prepare for OOC everyone (especially Envy!), an abrupt ending (because my sister got tired of writing the story), and married!Kimvy. I’ll try to convince her to finish it later. Also, Zolf! Kimbley and Frank Archer are probably really OOC; we haven’t watched ‘03 yet, but we like what we’ve seen of those characters so far, so we wanted to include them.

We might try and make this a better story later on... it’s pretty horrible at the moment, but at least it made us laugh (even though this version doesn’t have Rescue Dog in it).

                                       The Ice Cream Parlour

“Kimblee!” Envy drawled, flopping onto the couch. “Why don’t we do something fun? Like get ice cream or something?”

Kimblee glanced up from his book. “If you like, dear.”

Envy chuckled to themselves. “D’aw, he called me dear. Well, where should we go, Kimblee dearest?”

“How about the ice cream parlour? We can make a date out of it.”

The happy couple hopped into Envy’s pride and joy: Sarah, the black Mercedes-Benz, and sped towards the ice cream parlour.

“I want a chocolate parfait,” announced Envy. “You should get one, too. Then we’ll match. Or you could get a big one and we’ll share, but I want the cherry if we’re gonna do that.”

“If you insist.” Kimblee hoped that Envy would be mindful of his milk allergy when ordering, but he didn’t expect them to remember. Thank goodness he had remembered to bring an Epi-pen.

Envy opened the door to the ice cream parlour dramatically. “Shop keep, my usual!” they called.

“Now, what would that happen to be?” a sneering, all-too familiar voice replied, and Envy gasped. “Greed? What’re you doing in my ice cream parlour? You already have your bar, you can’t have my refuge as well!” Envy shrieked at their brother.

“Sorry, Envy, but I crave the finer things in life, and that includes this ice cream parlour!” proclaimed Greed, leaning against the counter with an insufferable grin on his face.

“Well, that’s just...stupid. Well, I’m not paying you for ice cream, so you have to give it to us for free. Right, Kimblee? We won’t let him ruin our date, will we?”

Kimblee had already taken a seat at the ice cream counter, and he gazed expressionlessly down at its shiny marble surface. “How do you expect him to make money if people don’t pay him, Envy?”

Greed nodded, still grinning. “Your husband’s right, kiddo. I don’t give things away, anyway. Even you should know that.”

“You’re more generous than you let on, Greed, and you know it.” A smiling face with eyes closed popped up from behind the counter. “I mean, why else would you let me eat all the ice cream that I want? I wasn’t even allowed to do things like that back at the palace in Xing, and yet you let me do it.”

“Aw, Ling, you’re different,” Greed said, scratching the back of his head. “You’re a friend, and Envy’s just family. Kimblee, too, ‘cause they’re married now. But fine, Envy, I’ll give you half off, ‘cause I’m such a nice guy.”

“Well, thanks for your generosity,” sneered Envy, plunking themselves down next to Kimblee. “Well, we’ll take a double-sized chocolate parfait. And don’t forget the cherry on top.”

“Okay, did you hear that, Zolf?” Greed hollered into the back.

“Sure thing, boss man!” a loud voice yelled back.

“Where are the cherries?” Fu asked, popping up beside Ling.

Kimblee shuddered- it seemed that Envy had indeed forgotten his allergy. Well, he was a masochist, so that was a blessing, at least. He just hoped that he wouldn’t get hives after eating the ice cream this time.

“Hey, Ling,” drawled Envy. “Are you guys really working for Greed? How about your bodyguard/girlfriend? Is she here, too?”

“Oh, yes,” said Ling, smiling pleasantly. “All three of us are here, and we’re all working for Greed. We all needed a break from all of the stresses of the court, so a couple of Greed’s chimeras are up in Xing doing our jobs while we do theirs. It’s like the law of equivalent exchange!”

“Oh, well, good luck with that. I’d hate to work for him. He’s one of my three least favourite brothers,” Envy shook their head sorrowfully. “Hey Kimblee, what’s up with that face?”

Kimblee slowly turned, looking at Envy with emotionless eyes. “Nothing.” He didn’t want to spoil their fun. “I… just don’t really feel like ice cream today… but I’ll eat it if you want me to.”

“But Kimblee,” Envy whined. “You’re the one that suggested that we come here. And sharing is so romantic, and it’s my favourite. Don’t be like that!”

“A-alright.” Kimblee swallowed, steeling himself for the inevitable reaction that was to come. Perhaps I just need to turn my thinking around… I’m living life on the edge, taking risks. I’m putting my SOUL at RISK. “...Ha. Ha ha HAHAHA!” he cackled, fired up for the soul risking that he was about to go through.

Greed and Ling stared at Kimblee. “Is he all right?” asked Ling. “Maybe he’s having a panic attack.”

Envy shook their head. “Kimblee only panics when it’s an emergency. And he looks so happy. Aw, isn’t he a cutie?”

Before anyone could answer, the door to the ice cream parlour flew open. “Shop keep, my usual!” announced a stentorian voice.

“And what would that happen to-,” Greed began to sneer, but then stopped abruptly. “Aw man, not you!”

Frank Archer’s brow creased, his expression changing from mere disinterest to full-on annoyance. “Greed. May I ask what you are doing in this establishment?”

“That’s what I’d like to know!” proclaimed Envy.

“I already told you, Envy. I desire the finer things in life, and this ice cream parlour is one of them. I own this place, it’s mine, all mine! Now, what is your order, my good fellow?”

Frank Archer scowled, taking a seat at the counter. “One scoop of French vanilla ice cream. In a bowl, if you please.” Then he paused, contemplative. “On second, thought, I’m feeling adventurous today. I’d like some chocolate sauce with that order.”

“All right, Ling, fetch the man his ice cream. Bido, did you finish the chocolate sauce? Where did Lan Fan wander off to? Lan Fan?”

“I still haven’t found the cherries!” Fu exclaimed.

Suddenly, Zolf J. Kimbley strolled out of the kitchen. “Don’t know where she is, boss-man, but never fear- Zolf J. Kimbley is here! Ling,” he shouted, pointing a finger at the prince. “Do as Greed says.”

“On my way!” Ling shouted happily, running into the back.

“I say, Zolf, what are you doing here?” asked Frank Archer.

“Mister Greed! We need your help!” shrieked Bido.

“The soft serve dispenser blew up!” yelled Martel.

Kimblee prided himself on being able to thrive in any situation, being able to withdraw into his ‘happy place’ whenever he needed some peace and calm. The immense racket around him, however, was terribly distracting to his inner self, who was currently fumbling for the key to open his inner refuge. His high from thinking about soul-risking over, he felt rather drained. “Please tell them to quiet down,” he mumbled to Envy. “I’m getting overwhelmed.”

Instantly filled with concern for their husband, Envy frantically thought about how to help him. This is Greed’s fault, he’s probably just doing this to ruin me an’ Kimblee’s date. I should beat him up and teach him not to mess with us- no, wait. A fight would make things even crazier, and my poor old husband might have a heart attack!

“Hey, shut up!” Envy shrieked to the throng, confusing their thoughts with Kimblee’s request. “My husband’s having a heart attack!”

This outburst caused everyone to freeze, interrupting many dramatic scenes, including a heated exchange between Greed and Frank Archer, with Zolf smugly looking on, and Greed’s gang dancing frantically, trying to get his attention. Shocked into silence, they all stared at the unhappy couple.

“Help, someone get a doctor,” cried the distraught Envy, pulling Kimblee into their arms.

Kimblee felt very uncomfortable, but made no move to escape from Envy’s iron grasp. Am I having a heart attack? That would be very unfortunate…

“Just give me an aspirin, and I’ll be fine,” he assured the crowd, voice wobbling slightly despite himself. He’d never had a heart attack before, and he wasn’t sure how react to the situation.

“I’m a doctor!” announced a kindly old voice. Dr. Marcoh, who had been sitting unobtrusively in a booth by the door, hurried over to the counter, pulling out a briefcase stuffed full of various medical apparatuses. “Describe your symptoms to me, young man.”

Kimblee shook his head, trying to clear it. “Well, I feel tired and dizzy...”

“Does your chest hurt, or feel tight?”

“Not particularly,” he replied dazedly.

“Alright, thank you, Kimblee. Envy, has anything like this ever happened before?” asked the physician.

Envy thought desperately. There was the time that Kimblee had fallen asleep on the subway… and that other time that he had complained of a headache… it was obvious that their husband was in very poor health.

“Yes! Dozens of times!” Envy shrieked, grabbing Dr. Marcoh by the collar. “You’ve got to do something! Don’t let him die!”

“Calm down, Envy,” said the good doctor. “Everyone needs to calm down and take a deep breath. When everyone panics, it causes the patient to panic as well, and we can’t have that.”

Envy rubbed their eyes with their knuckles, sniffing pathetically. “I am calm!”

[jeong-in-out]

Camera: Yang Jeongin

Your on a safari adventure and the bus stopped so you could take a picture of the (animal name). Since Jeongin had the camera and he was a better photographer than you, he got out and took the photos. The time limit was 5 minutes. 5 minutes past but, Jeongin wasn’t coming back to the bus. Therefore you called for him. “Jeongin, it’s time to get back into the bus.” Hr didn’t respond. He probably was too into taking the photos. You were going to get out and drag him back into the bus but, the doors locked making you not able to do that. You started banging on the door but, that did nothing. “H-Hey can you stop the bus? My boyfriend is is back there and and he doesnt like bing bt himself. He CAN’T be by himself in public or else he’ll have a panic attack and do something stupid.” You asked politely to make the bus stop. “I’m sorry Miss. I can not do that. We are on a tight schedule. If I stop the bus behind us will crash into ours.” The driver said. You nodded in response. “Ok sorry.” You sat back down in your seat. Thinking of all the possibilities Jeongin could be doing right now. “He could just call me and tell me he’s alright.” You thought, “or I can call him” You took out you’re phone and saw that there was no reception. You couldn’t call him because of that. “God Damnit!” Right in that moment you thought of all the HORRIBLE (life risking) things Jeongin could Be doing right now just to get back to you. A thought when through your head that he ran into the road and a bus hit him. You started crying while panicking. The bus finished its round on seeing all of the animals. You got onto the that’s just starting to go. Near the (animals name) you heard that there is technical difficulties on the road ahead. You got out of the bus to see if you could see what was causing the difficulties. There was a bunch of buses in a row making it hard for you to see. You got to the front of the buses and there was a big opening spot that smelt like iron or metal. You thought that something that smelt like iron spilt. You turned on your flashlight on your phone and saw something you wish never happened. Jeongin was on the ground his bottom half was bloody. You got into the bus right behind you and asked if the bus driver called 911. They all said they think so, ‘where was the bus driver?’ Then it hit you. Since this bus is behind Jeongin, this bus would have hit him. You ran out of the bus and checked the front of the bus. If the bus had a red mark it meant it hit him. It surely did. The bus hit Jeongin while he was probably looking for you. You started crying but, then you heard sirens: Police and ambulance ones. “Thank god they’re here” you choked. The police and paramedics came rushing over. “Miss do you perhaps know who this is and what happened to him?” A police officer asked you. You looked up and saw the paramedics taking Jeongin. You already know it’s to late but, you were surprised when he tried to turn his head and say “I love you Y/N.” But it came out muffled. Then he fainted. “Is my face red?” You asked “Yes ma’am” the officer replied. “Gosh damnit.” You whispered, “Yes I know who he is, his name is Yang Jeongin and I do believe that this bus hit him while he was trying to find where I was.” You pointed to the bus behind you. The officer wrote all of the information down. “Ok thank you. Are you in anyway related to him?” “Yes I am husband girlfriend.” “Ok then take this. I found this camera that belongs to him. Surprised that it isn’t ruined.” “Thank you” you took the camera from him. “No problem. Do you know if there are any other witnesses other than you?” “No sorry.” The officer nodded understandingly. “Ok I’ll look around” the officer walked the other way toward the other buses. You ran back to your bus and grabbed your belongings. You ran out of e bus and onto the road of the safari adventure wondering why Jeongin got hit. Then you looked back and saw that the bus driver was your ex Kim ( name). He was probably jelous of Jeongin and ran him over. You got into your car and drove away. When you got to your house you instantly went and put on one of his oversized sweaters and put the camera on the bedside table. You decided to call the police about your ex just incase your forget. Walking out of your house to get some food. You saw (ex name). Your heart stopped and you froze, you didn’t even realise that he was walking towards you. “How are you Y/N” he asked you not sounding concerned, “Since you know your boyfriend is dead now.” When he said that he sounded amused. “Fuck off you bastard. I know what’s you did” you yelled at him. He looked pissed. “Whatever” he pushed through you. Finally you were at the store. You decided to buy Jeongins favourite food: Ramen and Mochi. When you got back to your house you yelled out “Jeongin I’m back!” But, all you got back was silence. You placed everything down on the table neatly. Heating up the Ramen. Once the ramen was cooked you started eating. The table seemed lonelier than usual, probably because there is no Jeongin on the other side of you. No Jeongin smile, voice or presence. You started smileing remembering all the cute, happy, fluffy, things Jeongin did that made your day. You were also very sad because the reality is that you will never be able to see it again. You sighed and cried. About a month later when you were watching k dramas with ice cream to burry your pain and sadness away. A camera appeared on the screen and it made you remember that his camera is upstairs. You never opened it because you were afraid of what you would find. You debated for a while if you should go and look at the camera or if you shouldn’t. You sighed “I better just check it out and no worry about it anymore.” Getting up from the couch slipping on your ‘used to be boyfriends’ slippers. You walked slowly into the shared bedroom. The camera was dusty- having no one touch it for a month. You grabbed it and turned it on. The first photo was the (animals name) and you saw it was a selfie. The (animals name) was sleeping peacefully while Jeongin was shinning his beautiful smile. The next picture made your heart break even more. Jeongin looked panicked. This photo was probably taken when he found out your bus left without him. You skipped all the photos about the safari. The next photo was of you two holding hands. It was the night you two went to the Han River together. Photos of you and Jeongin cale up. Also photos of just you and just Jeongin. The next photo made you cry. It was about 2 years ago when you two started dating. You guys were in a restaurant And your face was tomato red. Jeongin was holding your waist while kissing your forehead. Never again will you go on special dates with him. You will never get kissed by him again. You will never be told how beautiful and special you are to him. And you won’t be able to have a family with him like you imagined. You layed on his side of the bed bawling and yelling out his name. You felt a tap on your shoulder. You looked up with watery eyes and saw the love of your life standing in front or you, Jeongin. You face lit up thinking of how he is alive. You jumped into his arms only to fall into the floor. It was just an illusion.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

About me - the third part (i did it after all)

I think after I was officially rejected by my mother, things kind of changed for me. I was more consciously aware of my social position in my family unit. I allied with my father since he seemed to accept me. I realized even then that he was using me against my mother to feel empowered, and I sensed the cheapness in this, but I was a child and I couldn't really resist acceptance from a parent, especially when I was rejected by the other. Roxanne and my mother seemed to resent me. I felt guilty all the time, like I had betrayed them. They always said rude things to me about how I was my father's child, and not their daughter/sister. I stopped confiding in my mom and older sister about most things after this.

Then in school, Samantha stopped hanging out with me. She found another friend. I wasn't cool anymore. I stopped going to recess with the other kids after feeling even worse having gone out there and trying to be apart of the kids around me, but feeling more and more alienated by them. I would try to go places to be alone, but inevitably, a duty teacher would kick me out of whatever area I had made for myself. It was a no win situation. Better to stay in my desk, and listen to the soft humming of the fluorescent school lights and the soft noises of people who occasionally walked by the door, and the occasional sound of my teacher flipping papers. The kids in my class started to annoy me. I didn't see the point in chasing people around anymore. I wasn't very athletically gifted, so they kicked me out of any team I was to be a part of. I would voluntarily do more homework and occasionally look out the window at my peers as they ran about obliviously, feeling a huge gap between me and my peers growing underneath the surface of who I was every day. I would still be able to hang out with Rachelle after school. But we were so many grades apart that we really didn't see each other at school very often.

More than anything, I think to a degree I was beginning to see things differently than other people around me.

Roxanne's pregnancy at age twelve became news that swept the town that nobody could stop talking about. I got kicked out of every club I was a part of by gossipy soccer moms who openly discussed how I was trash. Teachers stopped being nice to me. Every little mistake I made was exaggerated. Any sense of inclusiveness that I had received prior was swept away. The teachers stopped helping me with homework when I needed it. Nobody wanted to sit by me at lunch. After P.E, the coach would give everyone high fives as they filed back into class. But when I came through the door they would lift their hands out of the way so I did not accidentally get blessed by their hi-five. I am sure it was hard for Roxanne as well. A group of boys who lived up the street as well as their parents threw rocks at her and called her a slut and a whore. I remember she ran in the house crying.

After the fight that happened, my mother kicked my father out of the house. There was no compromise to be had about keeping the baby. He lived behind a friend's  house in Lewiston, forty miles away in the camper. My mom didn't want him to see any of us anymore. He was still paying the bills however. Roxanne invited this 20 year old guy to come live in the house with us for about six months, named Joe. Joe was a Spokane creep who did harder drugs than anyone in town did. He started sleeping with all the preteens that he could in town. My father was very worried about Joe being around me and my siblings, and he probably had good reason. My mom blindly defended Joe's place in the house. My father continued to call me in secret sometimes. He partially had every right to be very concerned. But he was also becoming unhinged and paranoid.

My mom started doing home health with elderly people. And then she was gone. She just moved out. It was easiest to find her at her place of work. Because she didn't stay at the house anymore. At first, she met this strange man in town who was super religious and believed in all kinds of strange right wing religious conspiracies about the end of the world. My mother became obsessed with biblical Armageddon. After that, she started doing drugs and dating, and staying with her boyfriend. There was no longer any adults in the house at all. Roxanne and Joe essentially ran the house. There were enormous house parties. My mother would stop in maybe once every five or six days with a little bit of groceries. They were never enough. By the third day, we had eaten everything in the house usually. Roxanne would try to call my mother, but she was nowhere to be found. Roxanne and I started eating condiments out of hunger.

I spent almost all of my time outside at this point. The house became so messy that it was hard to live in. There were mice everywhere. Allison and David were toddlers by then, and they would walk around the house scribbling on the walls, ripping off the old wall paper, breaking everything they could. Everything under the sun that you could imagine a toddler wanting to do, they did. Rachelle and I just lived outside, and I would come home when it got dark.

One Thanksgiving Rachelle's mother took us to a church function that was happening in the nearby town of Lapwai, which is part of the Nez Perce Native American Reservation. I remember the Nez Perce chief was there. I had/have never seen anyone like him really. He was very stoic and proud the way you typically would only see in a statue or a painting. He had a strange purity about him that just came off him in a strong way that made him hard to ignore. He wore his traditional headdress. Naturally, this made my immature little white girl self very uncomfortable. I started to laugh at him, and Rachelle and I started trying to pick on him. We started throwing things at him, and laughing at him. He didn't move. But his eyes turned our way for one moment and they were like fire. The look he gave us was one of the most honest looks I have ever received. He seemed then to be peering into our little heads. He wasn't attempting to shame us, or even frighten us. He just seemed to recognize the situation for what it was. He just saw right through our heads somehow.

Looking back … it was so fucking cringeworthy. It's probably one of the most embarrassing things I had ever done. I know I was eight and all. I didn't really know better. Never once had anyone sat me down and explained a thing about being respectful to Native American culture. But just the idea that I essentially disrespected him like this is horrible to me now to think about. How many people can say they have treated a chief in this way? I know he probably did not care that little children were snickering, I am sure as an adult he was above that. I think it bothers me because it just seems to indicate the lack of respect that's been given to Native American's culture as a whole, and even as a young child, my natural reaction to the way he was was to attack him in some way. It just represented something ugly. It was disrespectful to the fact that we had been cordially invited to the Nez Perce Thanksgiving of all ironic things, but also disrespectful on a historic level. I could not have known at that age, as I said. But I wish someone would have walked over and slapped me right in the face. I deserved it. If there was ever a time that it was needed, it would have been this time.

My mother finally decided to let us meet Huleo, her new boyfriend. He was a black Cuban. He was going to school at the university of Idaho. He was very charming. He gave me more money than I had ever had in my life up to that point - $14. I went to the store and wasted it with glee. I really liked him a lot. He owned a giant house in the woods. I guess he had five other girlfriends besides my mother as it turned out. And then when he recognized how obsessed with David my mother was, he said something disparaging and left. Personally, though he obviously wasn't a great person, he never did me any real harm. A shitty boyfriend yes he was, but for the time being he was around he was always good about taking us to places we'd never been, and giving me tasks to do for money.

My father found out about Huleo. I ended up visiting with my father, and staying the night in his camper with him. Someone told my father about who my mom was with, and he freaked out. I think he imagined that once he had been gone for a few weeks everyone would miss him and pine for his return. This obviously didn't happen. And then he found out my mother was not only seeing someone else. She was with a black man! Oh the moral panic! There is this really pathetic scene in my mind that I have etched into my memory. When I visited my father over night, he was sobbing and hugging me, crying that my mother had left him for a 'black man'. I can sympathize with him feeling that loss, but he made such a huge deal about Huleo's ethnicity that the whole thing partially makes me laugh. Even as a third grader I knew what he was saying sounded stupid. He started telling me that oooollld fashioned notion that black men are out to corrupt and steal the white women away. And my mother had been corrupted! He was bawling and kept repeating, that my mother had left him for a black man.

This never really did manage to stick in my mind as something I even subconsciously held onto. I thought what he was saying sounded stupid and entitled even as I didn't have the words to understand what I felt about it at the time.. I remember at that moment seeing my father in some fundamental way as being very weak person. I am inclined to say now that I think it was rather funny that this happened to him, not that I think the pain of the situation ultimately taught him anything. Someone who is that socially stupid, and that racist deserves to have their wife and/or girlfriend leave them for a black person.

Roxanne partied a lot while pregnant. She didn't have to worry about my father anymore. Even my mom couldn't stop her. There were so many parties. Teenagers would pile into the house, and everyone would either listen to Usher's first album, Spice Girls, Tupac, Nirvana's Nevermind, Metallica's Black Album, Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits, Ace Of Base, or Montell Jordan's 'This is How We Do It'. Everyone would get very drunk and high. Teenagers would be having sex in every room. I had the misfortune of walking into Joe having sex with Roxanne's junior high friend Heather. They would also sometimes do this thing where they choked each other out and passed out on the floor. Roxanne once grabbed me, and her friends and her tried to choke me out. I screamed and flailed and scratched my way out of that mess. I remember the whole thing being very terrifying.

I hate to be such a stiff. I really do. But because of all this adult partying, I kind of don't enjoy house parties. I don't like that we can never hear one another, and nobody is being their best selves. I don't mind some drinking and weed smoking from other people, among a small group of people who I actually like, but the majority of the time when there are work parties, I don't really identify with how any of it is any fun. And when there are children in the house, it especially bothers me. I realize that parties for a lot of people can be cool and fun. I just don't have it in me. I just have bad experiences I guess. When in the off chance, someone would ever invite me to a party, I am inclined to say no.

Roxanne having free reign over the house was hard on me. She was able to get away with whatever she wanted to with me – and somehow she saw me as the source of a lot of her personal unhappiness. So she often tried to make me clean. I would not clean at all. She would slap me very hard in the face and make my nose bleed. I learned to sneak out of the house early in the morning before she could find me.

It was during one of Roxanne's many parties that I watch the first seriously scary, at least in those days, slasher movie. I Know What You Did Last Summer. I remember watching it and crying. I had somehow not known up to that point that human beings could be chopped up or gutted. I had for whatever reason not really thought of murder in those terms. What horrified me the most was that scene where the one girl had won the pageant, and her boyfriend, Bary, I think his name was, was watching her win. She sees the hook man come up from behind him, but he can't tell she's warning him because he believes she is just screaming because she is excited. And then there was just multiple stabs. I cried to myself, and after the movie was finally over, I felt sick and I could not talk. That same night, Maria had come back from living in Arizona. I remember she kept trying to talk to me, but I could not speak.

Another time, Roxanne got very high on something. She began chasing me through the house. The old house is kind of annoyingly built in that there are up to three doors in every room, so as the chase went on I could never really know which door she would fly out of. When she caught me she said she was going to tickle me and not stop. Something in her eyes was serious. Like every time she had jokingly picked on me had all accumulated to this final showdown, and she was going to really lay it into me like she had always wanted to but never quite felt free enough to get away with. I was honestly scared to death, crying, begging her to stop. Hiding behind boxes, and in strange compartments when I could. She wasn't giving up. She did this to me for about an hour and a half. There is a short story published in 1924 called The Most Dangerous Game. In it, there is a man who becomes stranded on an island and is hunted like an animal in the jungle by this crazy aristocrat. This situation felt like this.

Eventually, my sister found me and had me cornered in a closet. I was shrieking with fear. She was approaching me with this really crazed look. Instinctively, I took this metallic lampshade that was in the closet, and I threw it at her face as hard as I could. It hit her in the nose. She wailed and held her face in her hands. I thought at first that she was joking, but then she moved her hands and her nose was completely bloody. I am going to honest. I felt badly, but I also felt relief. I felt like my offensive reaction to her had sobered her up. She yelled at me. Then she went to lay down. Hitting her like I did in the nose had somehow really done some damage. She had a migraine. It turns out whatever I had done had actually bent her nose slightly and left a dent.

An hour later, she called me to her bedside. She was being oddly nice to me. She was never this nice to me, and it actually bothered me. I thought she must have been faking it. She asked me for a glass of water very meekly. For some reason it made me upset that she said please to me, and seemed weakened. I don't know exactly why I did what I did, other than she had done the same thing to me throughout my entire life so perhaps I felt like justice was being served. But I secretly spit in her ice water. When I brought the water to her bedside, she actually thanked me and really seemed to appreciate it, in a way she had never ever done previously. I watched her take a drink, and I felt horrible about what I'd done.

In August, Roxanne gave birth to a baby girl – who, my grandma Marie had a vision that her name was to be Sagen (Say-jen). Roxanne slowed down her partying only a lit. As soon as she had Sagen after a few months, she was right back to it.

If my mother was to be found anywhere, I would have to go to her work to find her. She had two clients. One girl named Heather in town. Heather was mentally disabled when she was twelve years old. She had been in my future roommate's class at the time. Her father was that right wing nut my mom became obsessed with's daughter. He was a drug dealer, and basically, when Heather was twelve she had been a successful and popular student. Then she got this fever of 105. Her dad didn't want to take her to the hospital because he was paranoid and on pills. So she just had this fever for three days straight until it permanently damaged her brain. She was no longer able to speak clearly, or control her muscles. She had to leave school. She was nice enough. I am glad I was around her because being around her kind of taught me not to be shocked by people who aren't able bodied. For all my mother's failings as a person (and there are many), she's actually exceptionally great with people who need help like this.

Her second client was an old woman named Esther. Esther was very nice. She was kind of a typical old lady, but with more of an independent streak. She overall did very old ladlike things like eat canned peaches in cottage cheese, listen to her 'stories' on audiotape. She went to church every Sunday. Usually if I wanted to find my mom she would be at Esther's. Esther was a little more special than other old ladies I had met. She was a retired school teacher. She just had a composure about her that was incredibly respectable. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind, but she was at the same time very mindful.

I began smoking for awhile there. Roxanne thought it would be funny to give me cigarettes. At first I began choking and gagging, but after awhile, I  started feeling a lot calmer if I had them. Then Rachelle started smoking with me. Roxanne would get her cigarettes from this greasy set of twins that lived up the road from us. After awhile, Roxanne for whatever reason had decided that she was going to expand her empire to include the Johnson's. I never felt comfortable with this since the Johnson kids told their parents everything eventually, but Roxanne had taken over the circumstances at this point. Roxanne went after Ashlee, and then after this she started to try to make four year old Ayla smoke. Ayla coughed and cried, and then went home later and told her mom all about it. So the next day, Rachelle and I were playing out in my yard, when the Johnson mother comes into the yard and begins screaming at Rachelle and I, calling us disgusting little snakes, ecetera. She tells us she is going to call the police. I completely broke down frightened. Roxanne was told, and then we had to come clean to mother about it. I was very certain that they were going to cart me off to jail.

What happened was, a police officer came to the house. Roxanne answered. He told Roxanne that he did not approve of her smoking. He wasn't going to write her up, but if there was any more issues, she was going to be in serious trouble. He reminded us that he was being soft on us. They tried to get me to talk to the police officer, but I had smashed myself between the couch and the wall, and my face was hidden under a blanket. I refused to come out. So he talked to me through the blanket. He was pretty reasonable actually. He did not cart me to jail.

My extreme fear was that my father was going to find out that I smoked, and he was going to lay down the law on me. I was more than even that, afraid he would think less of me. He did eventually find out by reading a note Roxanne had written to a friend about how she had made me take a drag of her cigarette for the first time and how I had almost thrown up. This was several months later when circumstances had changed. He was actually not mad at me. When he told me what he had found, I immediately crumpled onto the floor and hid my face like a rabbit. Fortunately he was not mad.

After a few months of prying me for what was really going on in the house, I think my father finally lost his resolve, and despite the fact that he had been excommunicated from the family home, he decided to do a strange bust in late in the night. I had been asleep when he did this. He got his giant camcorder and was filming himself going into the home like a documentary I am told. He caught Joe making out with Roxanne. There were candles and fire hazards everywhere. The entire house's carpeting was completely covered by toys, clothing, and trash. I guess it was pretty bad. My father was freaking out and saying a bunch of stupid insane stuff to everyone. Roxanne called my mother, who pried herself from Huleo's. The police were called. They told my father to leave.

Maria had moved back to Idaho with her high school boyfriend she had ran off with, Earl. Earl was a thief, an abuser and an all around bad guy. They would often beat each other up. Anyway. Around this same time, that old man from part 2, Bucky had died. Maria had agreed to a cheap price on rent, if she and Earl were willing to clean it up. When they got in there, the house was gross. Bucky had not been able to care for himself adequately, and had clearly had some level of dementia. He had been smearing his feces all over his furniture, all over the walls. The toilet was completely topped off with waste that had been left to sit in the hot summer temperature for how knows who long. All of Bucky's money had been spent on catalogs, for several years. He had no friends or family, and he had more of a drinking problem than many people in town were aware of. All this catalog stuff, specialty flashlights, heating pads, tools, flower pots, water bottles, just about everything you find in those catalogs, was all still in it's package. He had been buying this stuff for some reason, boxing it up, and putting it in his basement. I was told I could have some of it if I came up to help fix the house up. So I jumped at the opportunity. The place didn't end up working out in the end though. Maria and Earl had some kind of fight that involved a kitchen knife and then they broke up for a month before getting back together, scrapping the plan to move into that place. Two years later the place burned to the ground.

Rachelle's unruly brother went into Phil's Grocery Store with a trench coat and a paint ball gun and robbed Phil's of all of it's bacon. I am not sure why this happened, but it became a big deal.

Also around this time, Roxanne decided to invent the ULTIMATE slip n' slide. She was very resourceful. I wish I could have a photo of the full 45 feet of downhill slip n' slide that she built. It was a work of art. What we used was two slip n' Slides, the inside lining of a three and a half foot pool – which was incredibly slippery. We lived on a hill, so almost the entire way was straight down. We had a water hose at the top. It was a lot of fun. The only problem was that it ended at a ledge that went ten feet down. Roxanne ended up going so fast that she flew down the 45 feet, and I remember quite well as she flew right off the end and then down the ravine long legs dangling mid air,  before falling into sharp rocks and spikey weeds ten feet bellow. She got pretty scratched up. And for whatever reason we had to take down the slip n' slide after that.

On the first day of school in third grade, I was having confusion of where they had moved the bus stop. My father had gone to the store. I was in front of the house when he pulled in. For some reason this prompted me to run towards the drive way, and when I did this, I ended up tripping. I remember it in slow motion. I was falling very slowly, and I fell directly flat on my face, with my teeth exposed. My two top front teeth began gushing blood. I ended up missing my first day of school. I had to be taken to the dentist immediately. I had chipped my two front teeth, and they had to be filled with fake teeth stuff. To this day, if you look at my teeth, there is a discoloration in the center of my top two front teeth.

I had another mean teacher who didn't think much of me. Her name was Mrs. Phillips, and she was very invested in making students feel ashamed and on their toes all the time. She would shower on niceness, before randomly snapping, and she intentionally did this to make everyone around her uncomfortable. She thought I was very stupid, and she was open about it in class. She said she thought I was a slow reader and would never have a mastery of the English language. She would shriek  your name, and then stare at you in silence in front of the class. Then she would sit on your desk and tell you what a despicable person you were for ten minutes. This was her gig. Her favorite thing to do was to push students to cry. If she could do that, there would be this glint of satisfaction in her eyes, and she would then begin comforting them, but only after she had broken you. She made a lot of the boys cry. I made a resolve after watching on of the athletic boys in my class who had made the mistake of answering the question she asked incorrectly balling his eyes out and having to be sent into another room, that she would not see me cry. So when she verbally did her song and dance at me eventually, I just disassociated. This seemed to frustrate her, so she tried harder. But then she just gave up. My heart was of course beating a million miles a minute. But I just could not let her have the best of me.

When we were learning cursive, she made it very clear that she didn't think I could ever learn to have perfect handwriting. My work was always pinned on the wall of what not to do. After years of being a good student, I gave up. I could have tried harder. But it didn't matter. I didn't have parents at home who even cared for all the years I had been an exceptional student. I didn't have clean clothes. I didn't really know how to brush my hair, which had mysteriously changed to being very fuzzy and unmanageable. Also, they were sending me with homework. Other than college, I actually firmly am against homework. So I would not do it. When I did math, I would just randomly write down whatever. I drew smiley faces instead of answers. I had gone from one of the best students to the worst.

One person who did intimidate me still to act was this horrific gym teacher they hired. I don't remember his name, and really there is no need for him to have one. He made us run two miles every day without stopping. I could barely breath. Almost all the students, even the athletic ones were not capable of running like this. But he would not let you give up. If you stopped, he would accost you, get in your face, scream at you with fiery anger and blow his fucking whistle. He didn't let you off the hook at all. If you really didn't even try, he had the power to set up a separate gym class at the end of the day, where you had to run the entire time and everyone had to watch. It was  humiliating. So, despite my lungs feeling like they were on fire, and despite the agonizing pain in my legs, I learned to keep running despite the pain. Something in my head clicked and I learned how to shut my mind off to physical pain when I needed to. I am not thankful to this asshole for this per say, but because I did learn this endurance, I think it helped me be a stronger person all in all. My fear of humiliation in this rare instance, did actually cause me to become stronger. Still, I am hardly thankful for some 30 year old creep who makes a living blowing a whistle at third graders and screams till his face is red.

Samantha started hanging out with me a little more. We ended up bringing a new girl into our group. She had long golden hair and she was tiny, with enormous dimples. Her name was Sarah-Mae. At first, I really could not stand her. I don't know why. It just seemed like even though she was pretty quiet, everywhere she went everyone flocked to her. When we decided which one of the Spice Girls we were, they always made me Scary Spice because the girls in my group said 'she was the ugliest' (personally, I am now flattered, since she was obviously the best one). Samantha, Catherine, and Sarah-Mae would all group up and talk disparagingly about me. I was their dog. Often times they also thought I was very funny, and due to Roxanne's influence as well as the MAD magazines, I knew all the dirty limericks, comebacks, unique cuss words and ways of insulting people. But when it came to being taken seriously, they all avoided it. They talked about how I looked ratty, how my hair was ugly. How I was fatter than them. That came up a lot. I had started to go through puberty before them. I was also getting kind of chunky because I had developed PCOS and due to all the stress I think. I had zits. And Sarah-Mae of course was Posh Spice. She was Blossom from the Power Puff Girls. Often times, I was not even invited to hang out with them. I was told to shut up a lot.

For whatever reason, by the end of the school year, my dad was invited to live back in the house. Despite, confusingly enough, the accusations from Roxanne of child molestation. My mother told us all that they were going to give their relationship a second chance. So, he moved back in, and they for a brief time were together again. I got a bike for my birthday. My father's presence mysteriously caused the house to get cleaned up. I remember the back yard was like Alfred Hitchcock's 'Birds'. With no rules in the house for several months, I had satisfied my curiosity about what it would be like to rip open a feather pillow. Huleo had dropped off his dog on my mother before they broke up, so I blamed it on Sampson, as that was his name. They figured out it was me, since it was clearly cut with scissors. Roxanne didn't know what to do with the feathers, so she threw them out in the back yard. This brought hundreds of birds to decide to be around our house. I am not sure what this was, but it was because of all the feathers I am pretty sure. They were constantly pecking the feathers off the ground. If you went out there, it was at your own peril, because the birds would swarm you.

Then, after having been friends with Rachelle for seven years, she told me she was going to move at the end of that school year. It was shocking and devastating. Neither one of us could really believe it. She was moving down to Twin Falls, so I wouldn't be seeing her anymore really. It seemed, and still seems monstrously unfair that adults can just make these kinds of decisions for children. Obviously it's not anyone's fault. But it was difficult, and a fairly pivotal moment for who I was.

Rachelle and I made a lot of promises to write. I didn't end up fulfilling my end of it very well. We had been through everything together. In fact, Rachelle was the core part of my identity. Separating us, despite our differences in age and personality, was like splitting up twins. As the rest of the year progressed, and things came to a close, closure was put to my childhood. Without Rachelle, I didn't have an escape. I didn't have anyone who understood me. I would be more alone than I had ever been in my entire life. On the day before Rachelle finally moved, we met in between her house and mine and we hugged and cried. And then I remember sobbing and going back to my house. I remember walking up the flight of steps to my room, and sitting on my bed, and having this silent existential crisis. The tragedy of it was beyond even crying. The tragedy was a silence that I carried with me for several years. I really had no idea who I was, or what the purpose of doing anything was anymore.

As the years went by, Rachelle became more of a distant memory. She became more of an inner force that I could summon when I was feeling shy, or scared. Because Rachelle didn't get shy or scared. I simply had to carry her with me through the years. I eventually tried to get a hold of her on MySpace, and she had left school, met someone she was madly in love with, and had two children. She wasn't really one of those people who would use their email or the internet though. So most of her responses to me were seldom, and after getting this one response, I don't think she really saw any of my attempts to contact her. And by that time, we were clearly very different. She partied a lot. I was a bookish loner. I didn't have anything to say that would immediately peak her interest. Then several years later, in my twenties, I kept trying to find her on facebook. Because just about everyone has a facebook, and in the age of information, even someone like her would be on facebook. And yet she never was. I poured through records for her very hard in 2014, and after a bunch of dead ends, I found her in the Twin Falls obituaries. It didn't say how she died, but I eventually found her older sister on facebook, who let me know that Rachelle had died of an Oxycontin overdose on her 21st birthday. She was never the kind of person who knew when to stop doing something, and it finally killed her. She had almost died a few times in the course of time I had known her, from climbing on boulders that almost fell on top of her, to handling rattle snakes, to almost drowning in the creek before I saved her.

I get this dull ache in my stomach when I think about it. I guess her husband, as she eventually married the guy she was with was so distraught by her death that he repeatedly did and still does attempt to commit suicide.  His family is quite wealthy, and they took in her son and daughter to raise as their own.

And this is how life happens. We have these great moments, people, and feelings, and then time takes them away. Nothing can be held onto.

Part 1

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/160186590059/about-me-life-story-part-1

Part 2 

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/160333575899/life-story-part-2

[mardi-aesthetics]

Ok, here it is. My problem with Love, Simon. First of all, my ex really loved it. Sike! No, that's not a reason why I dislike the movie, I'm not that salty hunty. No. I dislike this movie for a multitude of reasons, all of which come down to a few certain key points, which I'm about to share. I should say at the beginning however that I don't totally dislike this film; it was... okay. Just not the best, for me at least. I should also say that my opinions as a gay man do not reflect the opinions of any other gay men, my voice is mine alone, and WE AREN'T ALL THE SAME BRUH! Just kidding! Well, about the shouting. Not having the same opinions is real talk. It has been my experience as an avid book-reader that movies made from books can be awful (we're looking at you, The Lightnign Thief). But sometimes, they can be divine (Harry Potter series, Divergent series). This however... Is so very appropriately underwhelming.

Number 1}: Why now?! This movie has been praised for several reasons, foremost among them is it's breathtakingly lovely stroytelling (I think Titanic had a better story, though a more depressing one). People all across the globe adore this movie for its seeming originality, and I'm not entirely convinced. There have been a load (get it?) of other, much greater sotries involving LGBT characaters; the books written by Rick Riordan is one luscious example. Queer As Folk and The Perks of Being A Wallflower is another. I should point out that though the film for Perks was made in 2013, it took place in the early 90's. Queer As Folk was filmed in the late 90's, on to the mid 2000's. Love, Simon is a little late in the game, considering those other tales not only represent the life of gay men much more realistically, but they beat Love, Simon to the punch. It is the 2000-teens, truthfully this kind of movie could have been made years ago and made a much bigger splash. And not only that, but this being 2018, we don't need these stories anymore: representation in the media of LGBT life is getting better and better.

Number 2}: Reality checks One thing I know as a book-geek is that some things are just a little too much. Tana Mongeau for instance. A toothbrush! Some things are simply too dumb and highly unlikely to be swallowed. This movie is one such. A gay guy... whom nobody knows is gay... uses emails to talk to another gay guy... all the while being blackmailed... and then outed... and lying to EVERYONE... this is getting worse and worse.... you see where I'm going here. No! I don't buy it. I understand poetic license. I understand that certain liberties can be taken when writing books and other forms of media. But this is a lot to deal with. The plot is trite! It is neither beleivable nor likable. This kid isn't an antihero or some other thing, he's a pathological liar, and nobody calls him on it.

Number 3}: Reality check, part deux I am a gay man. I know gay culture. I have gay friends, I've had gay sex, I've (almost) gotten gay married. But nobody, and I do mean nobody, has a story like this. Case in point: I was talking with an ex-boyfriend after having just seen the movie, and on the drive back we were discussing it. My ex adored the movie, thinking it was so like his own life, so relatable. Yet, when I asked, he couldn't point out a single point in the movie where his life converged.

Number 4}: Gay? No In addition to all that... mess... This movie portrays gay men and teens unrealistically. I recently reread the reimagining of Twlight, called Life and Death, by Stephanie Meyer, and she recalled that her main character got a lot of flack for being a human female so in love with a male vampire. She was called a damsel-in-distress, a boy-chaser, and the shade is understandable. She kinda was. Love, Simon makes gay men look the same. Like we have nothing better to do than pine after a guy we've never met. My question the entire time watching this movie in the theater was "Can't this kid just stop? Stop thinking being in a relationship will make you happy. Stop lying to everyone. Stop being cowardly". Plenty of people exist happily as single and staying that way; plenty of people are anti-marriage and happy; plenty of people are content to remain virginal and chaste until marriage, or until death, and they're... well I won't say happy... but you get the idea. Being with someone will never complete you, not really. Relationships fall apart, move away, make you cry. They shouldn't be reduced to this. Instead, we deal with the protagonist typing on his laptop, imagining every guy he knows typing back to him. Excpet, ironically, the guys he thinks are straight. There's a reason he might still be in the closet hunty, he might have a girlfriend. Or, much more likely, he might be bisexual. Bisexual people exist too.

Number 5}: Relatability I persoanlly never lived, as many might put, 'in the closet'. I never really understood the whole gay-straight thing until puberty, and even then, I never had panic attacks over someone finding out. I never thought it was something to be ashamed of, to hide. Being different is difficult, but it takes courage to be yourself. And the protagonist doesn't have that. Loads of people worldwide enjoy this movie, but are any of them really gay? Or are they just ooh-ing and ahh-ing at how cutesy this film is? The point in the movie when the dork (I won't even try to remeber his name) outs the main characater, and he just kinda... sits there. For someone that didn't want the world to know he was gay, he sure didn't react much. Internal turmoil? Or just cowardice? Even when teased, calle drude words, he does nothing. Where I would bust heads, he sits there and lets a teacher handle it for him. I understand that violence may not be a good reaction, but letting someone do your own dirty work is just lazy. His cowardice, his lying, and ignorance (or should I say sadism), were his undoing.

Number 6}: Ferris wheel blues The last scene of the movie, wher he asks his apparent mystery crush to ride the Ferris wheel with him, after anouncing his identity and his sexuality, therefore outing his illicit friend, is just plain stupid. Why would you go through all the secrecy, all the lies, just to wind up outing someone else? Coming out is a very personal experience, everyone has a different story. Forcing someone to come out, just to be with you, is wrong. On top of that, just because you're both gay doesn't mean you'll have anything beyond that in common. I've met some gay men whom I just couldn't deal with they wre so rude. Plus, the fact that they hadn't seen each other before that... what would happen, do you think, if the illicit friend from the emails said "I'm only into other black guys". Or, "I don't find you attarctive at all". One in every ten men will identify as gay; roughly the population of New Jersey identifies as LGBT. Wait until college or when you have a job and can support yourself to come out, if you're really that scared of your parent's opinions, or of your life changing. Then bump uglies.

A Last Few Words While this film sucks butt, and not in the good way, it has two points that I'm very happy with: The loving speech given by Jennifer Garner, and the Glee actor, Clark Moore. Lets start with the mother. Her speech about her son holding his breath, was very sweet, and inspiring. Many gay guys still in the closet will watch this movie and see an anthem playing, especially with the heart-warming talk between mother and son. Not every coming-out sotry is violent and heart-rending; some of it is actually rather anticlimactic. It's not always so traumatizing, and I really enjoy the movie including gthis little bit. Next, with Clark Moore, whose character is the other gay guy, the openly gay guy. This is a bit more realistic, the fact that they include this one person, because not all gay men look, behave, dress the same way. Moore's character is out-and-proud, in a very realistic way.