#also insane how i fell asleep @ 6 am and still manage to wake up at 9 almost 10 am ?? lol

[angelsdvsts]

IT'S FINALLY THE WEEKEND WHICH MEANS ILL BE HERE ALL DAY CATCHING UP ON EVERYTHING HIII <3

[gr0vndz3ro]

Ghost of You

Bakugou x reader

Warnings: angst, mentions of character death

Word count: 2,798

Crossed off: Dancing in the Kitchen

Tag list: @sadistiks @unbreakableeiji @fanfic-me-up @gallickingun @keigod​

A/N: I may or may not have cried writing this that is besides the point. I want bakugou forehead kisses ): but I hope that you guys enjoy this piece I did for the @bnhabookclub​ bingo event! Also may have loosely based this off the song Ghost of You by 5sos

You were always the more cheerful one of the two. Katsuki knew this from the first time he met you and was one of things he loved you for. The way you were able to light up a room with just the sound of your voice, and how you were the only one who could cheer him up after a long day at work.

He treasured how you always found a way to put him first in everything you did. Waking up with him to join him for a cup of coffee before he left for work. Making sure that his plate of food was always warm when he got home. Massaging his shoulders and arms as you two cuddle on the couch watching movies. Over the 6 years you had been together he still managed to find new ways to love you. 

It was in the way your eyes lit up when your favorite song came on the radio. In the way you laughed at all of his little snide remarks that he never meant. How your hand fit perfectly into his, as if your hand had been sculpted to fit perfectly into his own. Even in your little snores that fell from your lips when ever you were extremely tired. He fell in love with how clingy you got whenever you got sick, wanting nothing more then for him to play with your hair till you fell asleep.

But his favorite thing that he grew to love the most was something he only discovered after you moved in together. He had only managed to find out by accident as it was your little secret. He had never meant to find out, but when he had came home early from work, flowers in hand, to find the music blasting and you dancing your heart out in the middle of your kitchen, he found himself absolutely smitten. That was the day he knew he wanted to marry you.

Seeing you throw yourself haphazardly around the room in a vague attempt at dancing, he couldn’t stop the smile that took over him as he watched. Hair going everywhere, hips swaying and feet stomping. To anyone else they would have thought you had went insane, if he wasn’t dating you, Katsuki would have thought the same. But seeing you absolutely carefree as your favorite artist blasts through the speaker on the table made him feel so much love for you. He couldn’t explain it, but he feel the need to either. He never confronted you about your kitchen concert. You probably didn’t want him to know and he never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable, so that day he left the house and waited outside of the door until he heard the song finish and made sure you could hear him when he came in.

He found himself coming home more and more in any attempt to see you doing your little dances. On his lunch break he would stop by the house and lean on the front door to see if could hear the light thumping of your many songs blasting throughout your shared home. Whenever he heard it he couldn’t help but sneak inside and watch the show you put on for absolutely no one. Today was no different from any other. It was his lunch break and he made his way to the door, hearing the soundtrack blast through the speakers, he quietly slipped in through the door. He made sure to close the door behind him as softly as he could before tip toeing through the house to where he knew he would find you dancing like your life depended on it. But when he turned the corner and you weren’t there he became confused. She always dances in the kitchen, where could she- his thoughts were cut off by the sound of you clearing your throat behind him, freezing him in place. Turning around, he sees you standing behind him with your arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

“Heyyy babe, I wanted to surprise you and spend lunch together.” He tried playing it off while walking over to where you were, wrapping his arms around you in a warm embrace. Your arms find their way around his torso as you feel him dip down to kiss your forehead.

“Oh is that so.. is that why you’ve been stopping by all week?” His breath hitches in his throat. He had been caught like a deer in head lights. 

“Wait, I-I can explain it’s not like I was-” 

“Come dance with me Katsu” A smile covering your face as you grab your boyfriend's hand and drag him into the kitchen. You let go of your hold and throw your hands up into the air as the beat drops in the song that was filling the room. He stood there in a state of confusion and awe as he watched you fling your arms all around.

“I don’t know how.. to do.... that” He looked down to the ground, a slight tint of pink covering his face in embarrassment. 

“Nonsense. You don't need to know how to dance to dance, just move how ever the music makes you feel. Here” You take his hands in your own and sway them back and forth to the beat of the music. After a few minutes and a lot of convincing him to stay, you both stood in the middle of the kitchen, holding each other in your arms, swaying to the soft song that played in the back ground. You pulled yourself away from him slightly to look him in the eyes, the soft smile that finds it’s way to your lips unknown to you. “Look at you, your dancing.” He can’t help but suck his teeth at you and turn his head, but he knew in his heart he was just as happy.

The only time he ever danced infront of anyone besides you was at your wedding after you dragged him to the middle of the floor. All of your friends surround the two of you but his focus was only on you. You had looked stunning that night. Not that he didn’t think you looked stunning everyday. It was just the fact that you were finally his, and only his forever. Through everything you had to put up with, you still came back to him, time and time again, your love for him never faltering. You were his rock and his person. Over the years you spent together he learned that it was okay to open up to you and that you wouldn’t think he was weak when he felt venerable. You meant so much to him he couldn’t begin to put into words, so he had felt no hesitation when your pretty little hands dragged him out of his chair to the middle of the dance floor to dance to the same song you had taught him to so long ago.

As you swayed in the middle of the floor your high school friends watched in shock at how calm their once hot headed friend now was in your arms. They smiled at how perfect the two of you were together and how you managed to bring out the softer, nicer side of Katsuki. They’d never say it to him in person in fear of an explosion to the face, but it was nice to see that he found someone to trust enough to feel completely at peace around. 

Things in your life seemed to always go smoothly. Sure he’d start fights every once in a while but you’d roll your eyes and ask him what was really bothering him, and after some time he’d finally confess about what plagued his mind. Any problems the two of you faced, you faced together. Some times the missions he went on haunted him at night. He would toss and turn through out the night and you would wake up and pull him close to you. Running your hands through his hair as you speak soothing words to him. But you never brought up the sleepless nights to him, he would talk to you about it when he was ready, he always did. So for the mean while, you would just do your best to lull him back to sleep and comfort him through the night. He would never tell you but he was always awake as you whispered sweet nothings to him, the way you tell him you love him still making his heart flutter like it did the first time you had said it to him back in high school.

But the time he needed your comfort the most, you hadn’t been there. It wasn’t your fault. It was the monster of a man who you had bumped into on your way to the grocery store. It seemed like it was just yesterday. 

The two of you were sitting in the living room when you had got up to go to the kitchen to grab a snack for the both of you. When you got to the fridge you opened it, looking around to find something but failing miserably. You went to the pantry and searched the cupboards but when you weren’t able to find anything you let out a sigh before heading back to the living room.

“Hey Katsu we’re out of snacks so I’m just going to head to the store really quick and grab us some stuff.” You started heading toward the front door but was stopped by his hand on your wrist.

“Here wait and I’ll go with you. Let me just go put on some clothes.” He turned to go to bedroom but it was your turn to grab his wrist. A look of confusion on his face as he turned around to meet your gaze.

“No don’t worry about it, you had a long day at work go relax.” You smile at him trying to convince him to try to rest and enjoy the evening.

“It’ll only take me like 5 minutes, Hell I’ll go without the shirt it’s fine” He goes to put on his shoes, completely shirtless, yet still willing to go dressed in what little he was in to join you to the small trip.

“Baby, I mean it. You’ve had a really rough few days, please go sit down and try to relax. I wont be gone for more than 20 minutes tops. You can go take your shower and then by the time you’re done I’ll be back. Sound like a plan?” Holding his hands in your own you look him in the eyes hoping you’d be able to convince your husband to slow down and take a breather. He paused before letting out a sigh and grabbing your face in between his hands.

“I’m not going to win this am I?” You shook your head and he let out a sigh giving up. “Alright but don’t take to long okay, oh and make sure you get those one chips. The spicy ones I like, you know what they’re called.” You let out a giggle at the small request.

“Of course. I love you” You lean forward and give him a quick kiss before grabbing your keys and heading out the door. The door clicks behind you as you leave to the store.

“I love you too” He says to a now empty room before making his way back to the couch. He’d soon regret not saying those words to your face before you left, and would regret not forcing himself to join you even more. Because maybe if he had been just a little bit more stubborn you would have been able to join him for the rest of that movie that he has still yet to finish.

It had been a year.

A year.

Katsuki walk into the apartment after a long day at work placing his keys and wallet in the bowl next to the door. He had called out into the house like he used too out of habit but it wasn’t the same. There wasn’t any response to his call. He honestly hated coming home because it didn’t feel warm like it used to. It was to quiet here. He walked into the kitchen and glanced at the calendar, before realizing the date and his breath caught in his throat. How had he forgot. He turned out of the room and grabbed his keys and left.

As he drove around in his car, he found himself stopping at the store. It was the same one. The same one you were supposed to go to before he had gotten the call. Thinking back he remember the feeling of how his heart broke. He always thought that people exaggerated when they said that but he finally understood. But god he wished he didn’t. He wished he could return to the time when he was oblivious to how it felt to have a gapping hole where he once felt happiness. Back to when picture of your smile would make his heart fill with joy instead of making his eye fill with tears.

He pulled over the car and stood in front of the store. He hadn’t came back here since the incident, but he thought that it was only fitting that he had today. After all this was were the two of you had first met. Granted you had class together, Katsuki being who we was, never noticed you were in the class until you had physically bumped into each other. He yelled at you for making him spill the chips he had just bought and you just returned his anger with your famous smile, apologizing and buying him 2 more as an offering of peace. After that day you found a way bothered him everyday, mostly bringing him snacks. Some of which you knew he would like, some that you liked and sometimes brand new ones that you wanted to try with him. You quickly stole the blond’s heart, but for some reason he was completely fine with it.

So here he stood. In front of the store you both deemed as your store. It wasn’t a big store, it was family owned, a nice elderly couple ran it. They teased the two of you for being a couple long before the thought of even dating had crossed either of your minds. You had grown fond of them and had even invited them to your wedding saying that if it wasn’t for them you guys wouldn’t have been together. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door, the bell ringing throughout the shop. 

“Good evening, welcome to- Bakugou?” The elderly woman stops dead in her tracks at the sight of the young man. She almost doesn’t speak again, a sad smile on her lips as she walks over to him. “What brings you to the store? I haven’t seen you since.. well in a while.”

“I needed to get some flowers if that's alright.” His eyes glued to the floor, unable to hold eye contact. He wouldn't let anyone see him this vulnerable. With a small sigh she places a hand on his shoulder and gestures over to where the bouquets where at. He raised his head and his eyes fell on one in particular. With slow steps he reaches his hand out taking a hold of the bundle before bringing it to his nose and inhaling the sent. They smelled like her. “These are... these were her favorite.” He pauses looking at the perfectly arranged flowers, a small tear managing to fall from his cheek, hitting one of the petals.

“It’s on the house. Be sure to tell her I said hi.” The woman makes her way toward the back of the store, looking back at him before disappearing “And don't be a stranger alright?” He nods before thanking her and heading out of the store and taking off in his car again.

After driving for what seemed like hours he finally makes it to his destination. Parking the car, he steps out. He walks down the gravel path and all he can think of is that you shouldn’t be here. This place was so cold and bland. It was nothing like you. You deserved to be somewhere so full of life it was that it was almost suffocating. You deserved to there with him. But when he arrived at the spot he had travel here for, he bent down and sat on his knees. He placed the flowers at the edge of your stone and wiped the tears off his face that had some how managed to sneak out. Taking a deep breath he spoke.

“Happy anniversary my little ballerina.”

[spooks-and-tea]

Entangled (Spencer Reid x femReader) [Ch.2]

Summary: You don’t know how it happened. One moment you were watching Criminal Minds, and the next moment you were literally in the show. Can Spencer be the key to helping you find your way back home?

Warnings: minor character death, mentions of su*cide, bad explanations of quantum mechanics, sexual situations, the usual criminal minds-type content

A/N: 2 chapters in one day for you :)))). I plan to make this one into a few parts if people like it. If this has any relation to other fics it’s not intended. Literally just an idea that popped in my brain. I’ll also eventually add it to my wattpad .@ kittentastic

Word Count: 3,401

Chapter 1.  Chapter 2.  Chapter 3.  Chapter 4. Chapter 5.  Chapter 6.  Chapter 7. Chapter 8.  Chapter 9.  Chapter 10.  Chapter 11.

************************************************************************

Spencer left you laying in the backseat, finding a spare blanket in your trunk to wrap you in. He dressed in his now semi-wet clothes and you threw on yours as he drove. He didn't speak to you. You caught him looking at you through the rearview mirror, but you had trouble reading his exact emotions, some profiler you were.

Spencer parked the car and you managed to stand with his help. You threw the blanket back inside and, with Spencer's arm around your waist, you managed to make it up a flight of stairs to a familiar apartment door.

No way.

This was Spencer's apartment.

When the door opened, you stood still at the doorway, eyes wide as you scanned the room. Spencer looked back at you, curiously, as you had stopped him in his tracks.

You looked like a child visiting a Disney park for the first time.

The apartment looked exactly as it did in the show; filled with books. You felt almost giddy as Spencer placed you on the couch. This was Spencer Reid's couch! These were his things! Your brain screamed, but your pain returned and you were thrown back into reality.

Spencer sat next to you, handing you a warm cup of tea, while clutching his own. He looked down at the swirling steam rising from the cup, taking a shaky breath, and finally spoke.

"Why? Why would you do that? Why would you just- try to take your own life like that?"

You sipped at your tea, trying to think of an answer. You hadn't fully come to terms with what had just happened.

You didn't want to die, and you hated the water. The thought of what you had nearly done sent a spark of fear through your spine, but you were so sure that this had been a dream.

"I wasn't trying to end my life," you answered; truthful, but vague.

"Then please explain to me exactly what you were trying to do because I don't understand why you would even want to step foot near a large body of water." He sounded angrier now, rightfully so.

"You know I hate the water?"

"Yeah, your dad. Something to do with your Dad." Spencer narrowed his eyes, subconsciously trying to find answers in your features.

"Spencer I want more than anything to tell you why I did that, but I'm afraid anything I say will make you think I'm absolutely insane."

"Does this have something to do with your memory loss? Is it the lack of sleep?" Spencer tried to reason.

"Yes and no. I've been sleeping just fine." Your throat began to burn again as you took another few sips of tea.

"You know you can trust me. If something's been bothering you, we can find you help. This can be between us and I can get you the best treatment in the country."

"I'd like it if we just kept this between us, Spence," the nickname fell easily from your tongue, "but I don't need treatment. I'm fine, really. I'm not depressed and I'm not suicidal, I swear. I can't explain why I did it, not yet." You looked at him earnestly, hoping he could profile that your were telling the truth.

Spencer's face fell, his eyes going glassy.

"What can I do that will help you then?"

Your heart clenched in your chest. Never before had you imagined you would make Spencer Reid cry. You must be really important to him in this reality.

"Spence." You set your now finished tea down on the coffee table next to his and reached up, wiping a stray tear from his cheek.

"Please don't cry, Spencer."

He held your hand over this cheek. His touch was magnetic, you hadn't noticed the pull before, but now it was obvious. You wondered if he felt it too as he grasped your hand tighter.

"What am I supposed to do then? I-I nearly lost you today! I just want to help you get better."

"You saved my life. I can't thank you enough. And you don't have to do anything more than be your normal, amazing self."

From an outsider's perspective the man in front of you should have been a complete stranger to you, but in your eyes, you already knew him. You've watched him fight his addiction, prison, relationships. He had been through it and yet he still found it in himself to dedicate all his time and energy into saving lives and putting unsubs behind bars. The last thing he needed was someone else to worry about.

You weren't sure where you fit into the canon of this universe, or if Spencer's struggles had even played out the same way they did on the show. You only knew that you had one goal at the moment and that was to make Spencer Reid happy.

"At least- at least stay with me today. Let me take care of you," Spencer spoke, rubbing at his tired eyes.

You opened your mouth to protest despite the butterflies in your stomach, but decided it was best you stayed. Letting Spencer care for you would probably give him some much needed peace of mind. This was just as beneficial to him and, truthfully, you didn't want to leave his side. That magnetic feeling returned, pulling you to him. Before you knew it, you were hugging him close to you.

"I'll stay as long as you'll have me." This wasn't just your hopeless crush on the man talking, you had a feeling this magnetic pull could be what pulled you into this alternate reality in the first place.

************************************************************************

Loyal to his word, Spencer took care of you. He made you warm soup for lunch and spaghetti for dinner and repeatedly checked your temperature throughout the day. You even made him check his own temperature a few times.

He gave you some of his clothes to wear, changing out of his own. Thinking about his daring rescue made your stomach tighten, he really was a superhero. You told him so as you both, ironically, watched a Marvel film together.

He gave you a small smile. You were happy he was smiling again, it was one of the first things that made you love his character. Come to think of it, now that all of that adrenaline and confusion was gone, your nerves were setting in. This was the man you wanted so badly to be real and walk into your coffee shop on one of your painfully long shifts. It was one thing to daydream about it, but to actually have him in front of you was beyond nerve-wracking.

Now that you physically had him here, you didn't know how to react. Like a fan girl? He had thousands, and he didn't even know it. Were you canon in this story? Were they watching you on their television screens right now? Had they seen the way he held you in the backseat of your car?

Your vision focused as Spencer waved his hand in front of you. You swallowed, feeling dirty and guilty for the past thoughts you've had about those restless hands as they trailed down book spines. You felt guilty for ever sexualizing the kind-hearted, selfless man taking care of you.

"What are you thinking about?" Spencer asked.

Way too many things.

"How did we meet, Spence?" You could see the eidetic brain gears turning as he looked down at his wringing hands. He scrunched his nose in thought.

"I-I don't- I don't remember," he looked up at you in disbelief.

"How could I not remember? The...the only clear memory I have of you is you leaving my apartment last night." Spencer's hands started to shake.

This was his worst fear coming true. You instantly hated that you had even brought it up. This universe had somehow written you in from the time you fell asleep to now. Everything else was just planted information, it never happened. You and Spencer had never had a first meeting because you've only just started existing here. How could you explain this to him?

"Spence. I have to tell you something. It's going to be hard to grasp, and I know we've already had a hell of a day. I'm sorry I've caused you all this pain when all you've done is help me, but you have to promise me you'll keep an open mind. Please don't think I'm crazy. I can explain why you and I don't remember. I know I asked you to wait for an explanation, but I can't deal with this alone. I need someone else here to know the truth." You gently cradled his head between your hands as he looked at you with wide, fearful eyes. Not fearing you, but fearing his own mind.

He nodded, appreciating your touch grounding him to reality.

"I'm a barista and an aspiring actress. I live alone in a small apartment in L.A. The last thing I remember before waking up in the bullpen today was falling asleep on the couch of my apartment. I was watching a television show called Criminal Minds and had an audition lined up for it tomorrow." You swallowed as Spencer stared at you, unblinking.

"The show is about a team of behavioral analysts who work at the BAU headquarters in Quantico, profiling and catching criminals. The team changes, but consists of Hotchner, Garcia, JJ, Prentiss, Morgan, Rossi, Gideon," Spencer inhaled when you listed Gideon's name, "and my favorite character, Dr. Spencer Reid."

A second of total silence filled the apartment.

Spencer's hands dropped limply at his sides. He looked at you now as if you were a stranger, and you technically were, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I know you don't believe me. I wouldn't believe me, but think about it Spencer. You don't remember me. You remember assorted facts about me, but today was the first day we met. Last night didn't actually happen. Isn't there a scientific theory out there that explains alternate realities?"

Spencer stood up suddenly and covered his mouth with his hand, raking his other hand through his hair. He walked to his bookcase and back, pacing, while sometimes glancing down at you. You couldn't begin to imagine what was going through his head. You decided to relate it to something you knew he knew well.

"Doctor Who." You stood up on shaky legs, Spencer moving to catch your elbow before you lost balance. He looked at you, waiting, listening, wanting to believe you weren't a stranger.

"Rose Tyler gets stuck in an alternate dimension in which she previously doesn't exist, but her deceased father is alive and well there. The Doctor can't traverse to see her without threatening to rip time and space apart. This is my alternate dimension, Spencer.  Please, if you know me at all, you'd know I am not smart or creative enough to make something like this up." You pleaded with your eyes for him to understand, for that crease in his brow to disappear.

He stayed silent, looking straight through you.

I'm losing him. I've fucked up.

"Please say something, Spencer, you're the only thing that has felt real since I woke up here. I just got cleared at the hospital, my brain is functioning fine, I'm healthy."

"When you jumped into the lake. You were trying to return to your reality. You thought it would wake you up." Spencer shook his head, putting pieces together as he went back to pacing.

"Look at me, Spence. Profile me if you have to. I'm telling you the truth."

"There are plenty of unsubs that think their contrived reality is the truth, you've seen them."

You deflated, feeling your shoulders go slack. He was comparing you to delusional criminals. You should've expected that it would be too much for the analytical Spencer Reid to accept. What else could you say to prove to him you were telling the truth?

Spencer suddenly stopped pacing, staring at his bookcase.

"Quantum mechanics," he spoke.

"What?"

He turned around to look at you.

"There's an interpretation of quantum mechanics called the many-worlds interpretation, created by physicist Hugh Everett. Though many physicists call it a theory. The interpretation can be explained through the Schrodinger's Cat equation in which the cat, placed in a box, exists in two different realities. One in which it is alive in the box and one in which it is dead in the box. These realities then branch off into more realities, like tree branches. There is a consequence to this theory, as observations of events are constantly taking place, the number of possible, simultaneously existing realities, is always growing as the interpretation chooses to discard the wave function collapse process. Subsystems may exist independently, but once they interact, they become relative. Once the observation is made the observer and the object become entangled and new states are created. Every reality created is equally real, but do not interact with each other unless this entanglement occurs. It's a highly debated interpretation in the scientific community."

You stared at him, mouth open in shock, trying to process all of the information he was throwing at you. He took a step towards you, one hand in his pocket, while the other accentuated his speech.

"Essentially if multiple universes exist. If what you're saying is true, then our subsystems have somehow become entangled, yours and mine. One universe in which you exist, and one in which you never existed. We're both the observers of our own universes and you've crossed over into mine, creating another branch in the system of my universe in which you and I can exist simultaneously." Spencer licked his lips before continuing.

"The problem is this is nothing but an interpretation of quantum mechanics, an ongoing debate. There are so many theories that exist in that realm of science that all have their inconsistencies. There's no way of knowing for sure how or why this is happening to us, or what will become of it."

You weren't sure if you had fully understood his theory, but he sounded serious, he believed you. Suddenly, you didn't feel so alone.

"Oh, Spencer. Thank you!" You threw your arms around him, hugging him.

He stiffened, but slowly wrapped his arms around you. "It was my memory that made me believe. I could never forget you. Doctor Who helped too."

"What are we going to do, Spence? What if this happens to me again, where will I end up?" Cosmic fear gripped you as you imagined yourself as a character in a Twilight Zone episode, doomed to dreading the unknown.

"We're going to continue living as normal. This is real, though it might seem like a dream to you. There's something that pulled us together, a magnetic force that entangled our worlds. The possibility of you being here at all is infinitely improbable. The probability of this to happen again is just as infinitely unmeasurable. You're a physicist's dream girl, Y/N."

You blushed as he called you a "dream girl." His explanation put your nerves, and existential dread at ease. He was always better at statistics than relating to others emotionally on the show, but his info-dump in this case made you feel sane.

You felt emotionally and physically drained. This was definitely the longest day of your life. Spencer felt your weight against him and pulled away.

"It's been a long day, how about we try to get some sleep? We can talk about this more tomorrow."

You nodded, eyelids already growing heavy. You turned to collapse back on the couch.

"Oh no. You're taking my bed tonight." Spencer stated.

"I'm fine, Spence, you're too tall to comfortably sleep here. You can have the bed, it's the least I can do after all you've done for me."

"No, you said I could take care of you today. This is me taking care of you." Spencer held out his hand, leaving no room for arguments.

You rolled your eyes at his stubbornness, finding it fitting for his character. Would you ever stop referring to him as a character? Clearly if he existed here, Mathew Gray Gubler didn't. That thought made you feel a little upset.

You took his hand without further protest and he led you to his bedroom. He turned on a light and pulled back the sheets, gesturing for you to climb in.

"Try not to sleep on your back, you swallowed a lot of lake water today, there's a good chance it won't stay down. Tomorrow I'll check your temperature again. You seem to be recovering well, but there's always a chance of pneumonia." You nodded, sitting down on the bed in front of him.

"Will you stay?" You asked as you pulled to blankets up, feeling so small in the large bed. The infinite universe and its sub universes had already had you feeling tiny. 

Spencer to hesitated.

"In here? On the floor?" Spencer asked, a bit flustered.

You shook your head and pat the empty spot next to you. It wasn't a plot to seduce the man, honestly, you just didn't want to let the only other being in the world who understood your predicament out of your sight.

"Please. I don't want to be alone." You said, after he stopped to consider it. The magnetic pull gave a tug, you absentmindedly leaned towards Spencer. You didn't notice him do the same towards you.

"Okay."

He turned off the lights and crawled in. You turned on your side to face him. His face was illuminated by the moonlight, the shadows accentuating the sharp angles of his face.

If this were a dream, you would reach out and trace the lines, feel the coarseness of his stubble. If this were a dream he would reach up to leave a gentle kiss on your forehead and pull you close to his chest. If this were a dream you wouldn't feel so nervous to be close to him. You would show him just how grateful you were to have him around; just how lucky that, of all the possible universes, you ended up in the one with Spencer Reid.

"How does it feel?" Spencer whispered, not daring to clash with the stillness of the night.

"Hmm?" You hummed, meeting his eyes.

"Before today, I was nothing more than a character in a crime show. A writer created me, and an actor brought me to life on the screen. How does it feel to meet your 'favorite character?'" Spencer smirked.

"Of course you remember that. I can't believe I told you that you were my favorite." You chuckled, Spencer's own smile reflecting yours.

"I guess I accepted you as a real person when you saved my life. Although, it's strange, knowing who you are, your likes and dislikes, your characteristics, seeing your triumphs and trials. I still find myself relating the small things you do, like scrunching your nose and info-dumping, to the character I've observed."

"Why am I your favorite?" Spencer sounded genuinely curious.

You tried to think of a way to explain in which you didn't sound like a fan with a blog full of Spencer-centric gifs. Not to mention, the staggering amount of fan fiction you consumed on lonely nights.

"I-It's okay, you don't have to answer that, but it's nice to know that you think so highly of me. Don't let Morgan find out, you'd ruin his ego." Spencer laughed to himself. "Although I'm sure he's a fan favorite and you're an exception in the viewership."

"You're plenty of people's reason to watch the show, Spence. You don't even know the half of it."

"Do they like me, or the actor who plays me? Wow, that feels weird to say."

"Both. You two are alike in some ways, but I think you are different enough that it's easy to love the character while knowing nothing about the actor. I should also say, you're a bit of a teen heartthrob, they seem to really like you."

Spencer snorted out a laugh at your last comment.

"Me? A heartthrob? You really are from an alternate reality."

You rolled your eyes.

"Sometimes you can be absolutely clueless."

"What? How?" His voice raised an octave.

"Forget it. Goodnight, Pretty Boy." You closed your eyes, not trusting yourself to hold back a blush if you met his eyes.

"Goodnight, Y/N."

Next Chapter

[ollieofthebeholder]

leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fanfic

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Chapter 19: Martin

It shouldn’t really startle Martin when he falls asleep mid-conversation. After all, it’s been a rather traumatic twenty-four hours, both physically and emotionally. He’s in a decent amount of pain, and he needs rest to heal. He knows all of that, logically. But he’s also never been good at sleeping if there’s anyone else awake in the room, so when he wakes up in a dark room and realizes that the last thing he recalls is Tim starting—but not finishing—one of his terrible jokes, he’s not sure what surprises him more, the fact that he fell asleep or the fact that he actually feels rested.

Sort of, anyway. He’s sore all over—the painkillers have obviously run their course—but he’s not too tired to think, and he’s obviously slept deeply. He stares at the blurry void currently standing in for the ceiling and tries to figure out how he feels about that. It should be a good thing, but it’s…well, there’s no other word for it, it’s weird.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that weird. Not as weird as the fact that he’s been talking to a future version of himself for eight days—somehow without knowing he’s blind—or the fact that his future self and Jon’s future self seem insanely close. Not as weird as being held hostage by a woman riddled with worms or attacked in his workplace by that same woman and her moderately-sized army of parasites. Not as weird as entities fueled by fear or an apocalypse being caused by a semi-immortal man currently disguised as an ordinary pencil-pusher. It is, in fact, the ordinary kind of weird, and really, Martin shouldn’t be getting hung up on it. Nevertheless, here he is, unable to understand when he came to trust the rest of the Archival team enough that he feels safe enough to fall asleep while they’re still awake to do things to him.

He really needs therapy, something he’s known for years, but several of the reasons he needs therapy tie into why he avoids therapy and it’s just a whole mess. The only reason he hasn’t done it that doesn’t tie into yet another trauma or blow to his psyche is the fact that he really can’t afford it. He’s barely scraping by as it is, and God only knows how he’s going to manage the need to move. He’s been in the same building for eleven years and rent’s gone up twice, and it’s still cheaper than most other places. Even if he does find someplace that doesn’t cost more, he’ll have to come up with the first month’s rent and the security deposit ahead of time, and then there’s the fact that he’s going to have to replace pretty much everything he owns that he didn’t manage to gather up for his temporary stay in the Archives; Jon and Sasha came back from getting their things and informed him regretfully that Mrs. Mattson had already thrown out what was left in his old flat and rented it out again. Add in the fact that he has to make up almost half of the fees at the home his mother insisted on moving into, and he’s not going to have the spare funds for, well, anything. Let alone therapy.

He sighs heavily and tries to sit up. It’s nice of Tim to let him sleep in the recliner, but when he first wakes up, it’s a bit of a struggle. And he honestly can’t figure out how he keeps lying back, since he’s pretty sure he falls asleep still sitting up. Maybe he’s doing it in his sleep, or maybe he’s just so tired he doesn’t remember settling back. Whatever it is, he discovered yesterday that it’s hard for him to use the appropriate strength to manipulate the recliner back into an upright position. Or at least to do it quietly. The others are still asleep—as far as he knows—and he doesn’t want to disturb them. He can tell himself all he wants that they need rest, that they deserve to have their sleep uninterrupted, that it’s been a rough couple of days for them too, but if he’s being honest it cycles back to his fear of the consequences of disturbing his mother while she was resting. Nine years and he still can’t make himself turn on a light before sunrise if the door isn’t firmly shut or listen to music without headphones after four in the afternoon. He wonders if he’ll ever be free.

The handle engages suddenly and the footrest goes down with a deceptively soft thwump that rocks Martin forward abruptly. He bites back a gasp of pain and waits for the world to stop swimming.

“Martin?”

The whispered call from not far away makes him flinch. Martin looks up, apologies ready on his lips, then realizes he’s not wearing his glasses and has no idea who was talking. He fumbles for them and puts them on just as Jon steps carefully around the end of the coffee table and perches on the end of the sofa next to him.

“I heard you starting to wake up,” Jon says softly. He holds something out—a mug. “I, ah, I was making tea anyway, so I thought…”

“O-oh.” Martin blinks in surprise and reaches out carefully to take the mug. “Ah, thank you?”

Their fingers brush, and it’s all Martin can do not to drop the mug or spill it on himself. He can feel the blush rising in his cheeks. God, it’s probably visible even with no lights.

“You’re welcome. I—you do so much for us. It seemed like high time someone did something for you for a change.” Jon pauses, then adds, “I hope I got it right. I—I know I haven’t exactly asked, but it—it seemed like what I remembered from after dinner?”

Martin takes a cautious sip of the tea and nearly chokes in surprise. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

He can just make out Jon’s unfairly attractive smile before he brings his own mug to his lips. They sit in silence for a long moment, both of them seemingly lost in thought. Martin isn’t sure how much he’s actually thinking, though, beyond panicking slightly. It’s the first time he’s been alone with Jon, really, since he started living in the Archives. And after the last couple of days…he still has no idea where the two of them stand. If they’re on a friendlier footing, if they’ve found common ground, or if things are going to go back to normal once the initial shock wears off.

“What time is it?” he finally asks.

“About four in the morning. You’ve been asleep roughly nine hours.”

Martin exhales. “Christ, I had no idea I fell asleep that early.”

Jon tilts his head slightly. “Well, you’re healing. You’re likely going to do a fair amount of sleeping. We tried to keep it down.”

“I don’t mean to be an inconvenience like that,” Martin says, his stomach twisting. The idea that everyone has to be quiet because of him…

“Don’t be ridiculous, Martin, you’re not an inconvenience.” Jon sets his mug down on the table and turns to face Martin fully. “I—I know I’ve been overly critical of you over the last year. I really am sorry. I never meant to—I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

“It’s—”

“Don’t say it’s all right. It isn’t. You’ve never been anything but diligent and conscientious, you’ve always gone above and beyond, and I—” Jon exhales. “The truth is, I-I was scared. I didn’t feel…adequate. Like I wasn’t up for the task. I didn’t—I never applied for this job either. Elias picked me, and I had no idea why. I don’t have a background in library science, o-or administration or anything like that. I couldn’t have told you why he offered me the job, but…well, I’m not sure I could have said no if I’d wanted to. A-and then you turned up in my office and said Elias had appointed you, and…I honestly thought he’d sent you to keep an eye on me. To, to report back to him if I stepped out of line or didn’t do the job properly. And then Rosie gave me a copy of your CV and I saw how long you’d been with the Institute, and all your credentials—”

“Most of which were fake.”

“Which I didn’t know at the time. I—I got intimidated.” Jon gives a small laugh. “I saw someone with more experience than all three of us put together and I thought, God, he wanted this job and didn’t get it and now he’s going to be reporting back to Elias every time I step out of line. I kept putting you down on the official recordings because—I don’t know, maybe part of me was hoping it would influence things in my favor if there was ever a dispute? And…I think I was projecting a lot of my own insecurities onto you. I am deeply sorry.”

Well, Jon won’t let him say it’s all right, but…Martin swallows hard and tries to smile. “I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. I should have told you the truth sooner, but…I don’t know. I was afraid you’d fire me.”

“Considering the first interaction we ever had was me threatening you over that dog, I’d be afraid I’d fire me too.” Jon pauses. “I wonder what would have happened if I’d actually tried.”

Martin actually doesn’t want to think about it. He looks into the depths of the mug in his hands, then sets it on the end table where his glasses were previously. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

“You didn’t—oh, you mean the ‘I heard you starting to wake up’ thing? I was already awake.” Jon sighs. “I honestly don’t sleep very well these days. I-it’s not just the nightmares, it’s also…the worrying. About you. All three of you, really, but—you in particular.”

“Me?” Martin’s voice is louder than he means it to be. Tim grunts from somewhere else in the room and both Martin and Jon freeze, but after a moment he makes an odd sort of snorfling sound and seems to settle back into sleep. Martin rubs a hand over his mouth, trying to be careful of the bandages.

“Why me?” he asks, remembering to whisper this time.

Jon is silent for a moment. Martin is about to apologize for having asked when he says, “I could be glib and say it’s because you were the one being stalked by Jane Prentiss, and that is part of it, but…it’s also just that it’s you. It’s not that I don’t think you can take care of yourself just as well as Tim or Sasha can. I do. It’s…I really wasn’t sure before the last couple of days why that was. I’m still not completely sure, but I think I have a bit of a better idea.”

“We worry about you, too, you know.” Martin desperately wants to ask what Jon’s idea is, but he also doesn’t want to pry. “Ask, erm, Martin Prime. I asked him what I could do to help and he said not to let you get hurt and I kind of panicked a little.”

Jon chuckles. “I suppose that is a next-to-impossible task.”

“No, I mean I panicked at the idea that you would get hurt,” Martin says. He wonders how much he can say without betraying how he feels. The Primes are close friends, that much is obvious, but he and Jon aren’t anywhere near that point and he doesn’t want to ruin his chances of even that by blurting out that he’s fallen for his boss like a ton of bricks. This is also probably not the time to bring it up. They’re all a bit…emotionally compromised right now, and he’s still not sure what’s going to happen when the adrenaline of the last two days wears off. Even if Jon’s just said he worries about Martin. Fleetingly, he wonders if Martin Prime ever told Jon Prime how he felt and when, and he wishes it was a question he thought to ask while they had some time alone in the last week. “I-I mean, that was my biggest worry when I realized Jane Prentiss had followed me home, you know? I wasn’t just worried about what she’d do to me. I was worried she might…follow me to the Archives. Come after one of you, but especially you. A-and then when she texted you after I made my statement…” He sighs. “It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. But there was a part of me thinking that if I needed to stay in the Archives, maybe the rest of you should have too, you know?”

“No, you’re—you’re not wrong. Truthfully, that was one of the things that I kept obsessing over last night,” Jon confesses in a low voice. “When I saw—when I realized—” He breaks off and looks away. “All I could think was that something had happened, that you could be hurt, and that you’d been alone and—God, I should have insisted we all stay. Or that you come stay with one of us from the outset. Although in retrospect…I’m not certain what would have happened if your counterpart had been alone in the Archives at the time. Not that I knew he was there, but…”

“Yeah,” Martin says quietly. He swallows against the sudden, unexpected lump in his throat. “I’m—I’m still glad you weren’t there, though. I-I was glad when it happened, and I was even more glad when I saw Jon Prime and…honestly, Jon, this sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Least of all you. O-or Tim,” he adds hastily. “Or Sasha, but, I mean, she didn’t…not in their timeline, anyway.”

“No, but…that doesn’t mean we wanted you to have to get hurt, either,” Jon says. “It’s not exactly a fair trade.” He looks up at Martin. “A-are you in pain? Do you need your painkillers?”

The answer is yes, but Martin fights the urge to nod. “They, ah, they have to be taken with food. It’s—it’s not as bad as it was yesterday, at least.”

“Hold on. I think I can help with that.”

“Jon—” Martin begins, but it’s too late. Jon has already stood up from the sofa and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

Martin swears under his breath in Polish, then manages to get to his feet without hurting himself. He carefully picks up both mugs of tea and follows Jon, a bit more slowly. Partly it’s the pain, partly it’s force of habit. He doesn’t know where the joists or creaky floorboards might be, and it’s still early, he can’t risk waking people up because he’s walking too loudly. He’s already had one close call too many tonight.

He makes it to the kitchen. Jon is messing about with something, using the night-light mounted above the sink to see by. Martin can’t see what he’s doing. He sets the mugs down carefully on the table and asks, “What are you doing?”

Jon jumps and whirls around, brandishing a butter knife in one hand. He relaxes. “Martin—I didn’t hear you come in. I—I just thought—” He gestures at the counter. “It’s not much, but I thought I’d make you a sandwich at least. Get something in your stomach so you can take the pills.”

“You really don’t have to do that,” Martin protests, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I-I can wait until—”

“I’m sure you can, but there’s no reason you should,” Jon says briskly. “It’s been enough time that you’re certainly able to take your painkillers, and you need them, so why wait and make yourself feel worse?”

There’s a certain amount of logic in that, Martin has to admit. “I just…don’t want to be a bother.”

Jon places a sandwich in front of him firmly and lays a hand on his arm. “Martin,” he says sincerely, “the last thing you are is a bother. Sit down and eat. I’ll be right back.”

He heads out of the kitchen, leaving Martin incredibly confused and slightly embarrassed.

Lacking any better option, he sits down to eat the sandwich Jon has made for him. He doesn’t know what to expect, but it’s certainly not what he bites into. The first taste of it on his tongue almost makes him cry, and he closes his eyes, savoring it.

He hears footsteps and swallows hastily, opening his eyes as Jon comes back into the room. He sets the pill bottle next to Martin’s elbow, then sits down next to him and picks up his mug of tea. “Is it all right?”

“It’s perfect,” Martin says before he thinks it through and almost swallows his tongue. Oh, well, no taking it back now—best to press forward. “I didn’t know Tim ate cherry preserves.”

“I don’t think he does. He teased me a bit about being ‘elitist’ the first time he saw me eating them.”

Martin stops mid-chew and definitely swallows a too-solid bite. It takes him a second before he’s able to speak. “You like them, too?”

Jon’s eyes widen. “Too? I—I mean, obviously you like them, you’re eating the sandwich—God, I didn’t even think to ask, I just assumed…”

“No, it’s—I’ve always liked them,” Martin says. “My—my granddad had a couple cherry trees in his backyard. He used to make preserves every year, and…I dunno. They just remind me of visiting him.” He takes another bite of the sandwich.

Jon nods thoughtfully. “I’ve always been fond of cherry preserves. Well, cherry anything, actually. My grandmother used to bake cherry pies on my birthday in lieu of a cake.”

Martin smiles. “Granddad always did that for me, too.”

“I’ll remember that for next year.” Jon smiles, too.

For a few minutes, there’s silence as Martin finishes the sandwich. When the last bite is gone, Jon takes the plate and gets up to wash it while Martin struggles for a moment to get the cap off the pill vial and shake out a painkiller. The moment feels oddly…domestic. Calm. Cosy. Martin isn’t sure what to do with it, but he decides to try and let himself enjoy it. It’s never worked for him before, but he can give it a shot.

Finally, Jon sits back down next to him. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” It’s not just the painkiller, which probably hasn’t actually started to work yet. It’s the tea, and the sandwich, and Jon being nice. He tries to figure out how to articulate it, then finally says, “It’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I don’t feel afraid.”

Jon exhales. “I know the feeling. I mean—I know I should be. The world is objectively terrifying, and learning what we learned today made that exponentially worse. But…this right here? I’m definitely calmer and more relaxed than I’ve been since I took the Archivist job.”

Something in Martin’s chest warms at the comment. It probably isn’t meant like that, but it’s nice to hear he’s not making Jon stressed by his mere presence, at least. And, hey, he can dream. All he says, though, is, “’S nice.”

“It is.” Jon takes a sip of his tea and stares into it for a moment, then snorts softly and shakes his head.

“What?”

“It’s just…something my counterpart said. While we were talking outside. I hadn’t thought about it before, but…he’s right.” Jon looks up. “He told me he hasn’t finished a cup of tea in years that—that his Martin hasn’t made for him. It just occurred to me that I’m the same way. Even when…those two weeks you weren’t in the office? When Jane Prentiss was—” He swallows hard. “I just realized that I would brew myself a cup of tea and it would just…sit on my desk and get cold. I never managed to drink more than half of it. I suppose it just tastes better when you make it.”

Martin doesn’t know quite how to respond to that. “You make tea just fine. This is perfect.”

Jon hums noncommittally. He seems to be debating with himself, then sighs. “You’re far more observant than I am at times…you know they’re together, right?”

Martin’s brain pulls up short. “Wait, what?”

“Our…counterparts. The Primes. They’re—they love each other. He told me that when I asked him, and…God, in retrospect, it’s so obvious. I-I suppose I just didn’t see it.” Jon looks suddenly nervous as he scans Martin’s face. “You’re more…in tune with that sort of thing than I. You did know, didn’t you?”

“N-no,” Martin manages to stammer out. Oh, God, he can feel his cheeks heating up. Jon’s right, though, in retrospect it’s obvious. He thinks about all the little interactions the Primes have had with one another, the way they both fuss over each other, the way they seem to know what the other is thinking. The lighthearted, affectionate banter, the near-constant physical contact. Jon Prime rubbing his thumb over Martin Prime’s knuckles to calm himself when he gets overwhelmed, Martin Prime reaching for Jon Prime instinctively when he needs a hand up.

Then, suddenly, he remembers the way Martin Prime spoke about the person who was coming back to meet him, when he assured Martin that if they’ve come through somewhere else, they’re looking for me. Logically, he knows now that person was Jon Prime, but he somehow didn’t make the connection between the two. It’s as if his brain saw Jon Prime walk in and instantly erased every conclusion that conversation made him come to. It didn’t occur to him, at the time, that Jon would even bother to bring him back in time with him, let alone be looking for him. Now he takes a mental step back, re-evaluates every moment between the Primes in light of that conversation, and wants to smack himself on the forehead for being an idiot.

“You’re right, though. I really should have figured that out sooner,” he murmurs. ���God knows I had enough information to put it together. Guess I just assumed there couldn’t possibly be a universe where I—”

He snaps off the words as quickly as he can. Oh, God, he really almost said it out loud. Almost let Jon know how he feels. He’s not stupid, the Primes have a lot more history between them than he and Jon do, and he doesn’t doubt for a minute that they haven’t been together long, relatively speaking. Probably only since Jon Prime rescued Martin Prime from the Lonely. The circumstances that led them to this point are ones they’re trying to undo, and Martin seriously doubts he and Jon will ever get to that point. It’s best if he tries to let this thing die now and be happy for his counterpart getting this much.

Jon looks like he wants to ask him a question, but doesn’t. Instead, he says quietly, “They weren’t going to tell you. Us, I suppose, but…I asked him. How he felt about his Martin. Mostly because I was trying to figure out how I felt about you, and I thought knowing his thoughts would help untangle mine.”

Martin has to try twice before he can get the words out. “Did it?”

Jon gives a small, humorless laugh. “Not really. In truth, it just made things more confusing. I…” He rubs his thumb against the knuckle of his index finger, the same nervous tic Jon Prime uses when he doesn’t have Martin Prime’s hand to hold. “I-I got scared when I arrived at the Institute the other night. I was…there was all that chaos, all those lights and sirens and activity, and—and I realized you weren’t in the crowd. All I could think of was that there’d been a fire and you hadn’t woken in time, or that you’d been trapped and been…burned or breathed in too much of the CO2 or something. I tried to—they wouldn’t let me in after you. Obviously. That makes perfect sense, but…at the time, all I could think of was that you were in there a-and I needed to get to you, that I needed to know you were safe. I was staring at the idea of a world without you and I couldn’t face it. And then…Elias told me Tim and Sasha were down there, and then mentioned Jane Prentiss, and it all got worse and…I don’t know, Martin, I’m rambling. But Tim’s right. I was—I must’ve shouted down half a dozen officials trying to get one of them to tell me where you were, how you were, to—to let me see you. Everyone kept saying you were going to be all right, but I knew I wouldn’t believe it until I saw you.”

“I—I mean, if it had been Sasha or Tim—” Martin begins.

“I don’t know how I would have reacted if it had been them who was hurt. I was definitely worried about them, but…I don’t know.” Jon takes a deep breath. “I’ll be honest. I still don’t really know how I feel. I—I do care about you. I worry about you, I want you to be safe. Beyond that, I—I’m afraid I don’t know.” He manages a small, slightly roguish smile. “I don’t suppose you know how you feel.”

“Oh, Christ,” Martin practically whines. This is not how he wanted any of this to come out, and he doesn’t know if he should say it.

Then it occurs to him that Jon didn’t ask. Jon, who has just learned that he’s developing the ability to force people to answer his questions, and who is probably more likely to do it when he’s tired or stressed out, deliberately avoided actually asking a question. It’s a simple statement. He’s giving Martin permission to not say a word if he doesn’t want to.

Which…actually, weirdly, makes him want to.

He takes a deep breath. “O-okay. The truth is…I’ve kind of had a crush on you for a while. I wasn’t going to say anything, because it’s—I mean, I didn’t want to make things weird, a-and I know you—I was just trying for ‘he doesn’t think I’m a complete idiot’ for a while there. I also thought it was just a stupid workplace crush, and I was kind of hoping it would eventually go away on its own. It didn’t. Ever since I started living in the Archives, it’s just got worse. I guess that’s why I didn’t realize how the Primes felt about each other. I kind of thought I was projecting, o-or seeing what I wanted to see, maybe? I don’t know. But I do worry, and I do…I do care.”

“That’s not why you went back to Carlos Vittery’s apartment, is it?” Jon’s voice is so soft Martin almost doesn’t hear it, but his eyes are worried. “Because you thought I…?”

“No,” Martin assures him. “No, I—you know, I know I said I was trying to ‘make sure I’d done my due diligence’ and all that, but what was behind that was that I’d been…I felt pressured  to go back. Like a nagging, persistent headache. I get it all the time, really, when I’m doing research. Remember when you sent me to track down that…that Angela woman? For the—”

“The man who was falling to pieces. I remember.”

“I know you got exasperated with me, but I literally couldn’t stop until I’d talked to every Angela I could find. I’d think ‘well, I’m not going to find her, I’m going back to the Institute now,’ but I’d get this blinding headache and it wouldn’t go away until I went ‘okay, just one more.’ It’s only got worse as time goes on. So no, I didn’t…get myself into this mess because I was trying to impress you or whatever.” Martin can’t help the small, nervous chuckle that escapes him. “’Course, if it did impress you, I wouldn’t complain.”

“What impressed me was that you kept your head well enough to survive and get back to your apartment, never mind the Institute,” Jon says warmly. “If it were me, I’d likely have done something stupid like go back for my phone when I realized I’d dropped it.” He sighs. “I—I don’t want to make things awkward. But I also don’t want to…promise anything.”

“I don’t expect anything, Jon.” Martin learned a long time ago not to expect anything. As far as he’s concerned, the phrase good things come to those who wait is inapplicable. In his case, it’s more like good things come to those who aren’t you. He has friends, in Tim and Sasha at least. That’s more than he probably deserves.

Jon studies him for a moment, then smiles slightly and holds out his hand. “How about I apologize for being such an ass to you, and we start with friends and see where it goes from there?”

This is the last thing Martin would have ever anticipated, but he’s certainly not going to object. He smiles in reply and takes Jon’s hand. “Deal.”

They shake on it—very gently, Jon is careful of the healing wounds on Martin’s hands—and then sit back. Jon studies Martin. “Did they tell you how long you’ll need to wear the bandages?”

“Until things stop bleeding when I take them off?” Martin shrugs. “Hopefully not too long. Some of them are…deeper than others. I’m supposed to make an appointment with my regular doctor for a follow-up in a couple of weeks.”

“We’ll make sure you get there safely,” Jon promises. He picks up his mug and salutes Martin with it. “After all, what are friends for?”

Martin grins, feeling more relaxed than he’s felt in a while, and salutes Jon back. “What indeed?”

[megumis-lashes]

Love Bites

Vampire! Han Jisung x Reader Part 1

**Contains**: mentions of blood/blood drinking, parental abuse, bullying, fighting, slight swearing, emotional abuse, friends to lovers, werewolf Hyunjin, western high school standards, female reader

Flashback =

> Hello

Narrators POV

In today’s society, supernatural beings like vampires and werewolves are believed to be mythical creatures. Few people believe in their existence and have many false stereotypes surround these creatures’ existence. In reality they do exist. Supernaturals or whatever you like to call them, live a life hidden from society. They play the role of innocent humans is a world where they aren’t accepted.

Name’s POV

After a long, stressful week of school I was finally home to relax, or at least that’s what I wish I was doing right now. Throughout my whole life, I always had an immense amount of pressure put on me by my parents. They wanted a perfect daughter. Not perfect in the sense of a loving child, oh no they had their own definition for the word. To be a perfect child by their standards was practically impossible. I would need to have prefect grades, perfect manners, a perfect record, but despite having all those things I was still a disappointment. I wasn’t ever allowed to have friends, they would simply distract me from school. Defying this logic I was required to participate in at least one sport for college credit. I chose volleyball on a whim. I was practically exhausted every day. I had school each day, followed by practice and then hours of homework. Despite the amount of stress I am constantly facing, my parents only ever cared about results, positive results that is.

You see I’m currently in a very dangerous situation. This week I had been so overwhelmed by homework that I fell asleep before I finished studying for an exam. It was understandable. I hadn’t gotten proper sleep in days and staying up till 3am every night doing homework was clearly taking a toll on my health. My parents could care less though. I had scored a 73 on the exam which was just barely passing in my school’s standards. My parents were furious, and I was scared of their reaction to say the least. I had an idea of what was coming.

I got kicked out?

“No fucking way.” I breathed out as I stood with my hands full in front of my house. This is probably the last thing I would’ve expected but they sure did it. Typically their punishments weren’t this bad. They would just yell at me for a while, threaten to take things from me, maybe hit me if they were really mad, and then tell me how much of a disappoint I was. This wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to so I barely had a reaction to it anymore. This lack of reaction seemed to trigger something new in them. If I wasn’t affected by their typical punishments they would have to step up. So they kicked their barely 17 year old daughter out of their house on a bone-chilling Friday in October.

It was nearing 6:00 PM and I had no idea what to do. They had given me barely five minutes to grab whatever items I would need to survive for however long I would be homeless. I had managed to scrap together the bare necessities. I was still dressed in my school uniform but luckily brought a change of clothes. The first thing I did was change. I couldn’t be a bad representation of my school could I? I didn’t have much. I had just enough time to stuff my school bag with clothes, my wallet, laptop, phone, chargers and snacks but I was still frozen to the bone.

My first thought was to check into a small hotel, but I quickly dismissed the idea when I saw the price. I walked around the city area, contemplating who I could ask to stay with but oh, I don’t have any friends. After wandering around for a while I had subconsciously returned home. Maybe they would let me in? Nope. All the doors and windows were locked and a small note was taped to the door.

‘Left on vacation. Be back soon. Name, if you break in we’ll disown you.’ I sighed. Of course they left. I’m even more desperate for somewhere to stay now.

As time passed and I continued to walk around, the night grew darker and darker. I had walked in what seemed like circles for hours and I was even more exhausted than usual. As I was walking in the city, I heard soft growls behind me. Now that I thought about it there were barely any people here. As I glanced back behind me, my blood ran cold. What is that thing?

From the shadows I could barely make out what I assumed to be its face. Despite this a few startling details stood out to me the most. It had beady red eyes that seemingly glowed under the moonlight. It looked to be an animal, having a pure black fur coat that seemingly stood up on edge. The last thing I saw were its insanely sharp teeth that dripped with saliva as it growled. Despite this sudden shock, it didn’t take long for me to realize I was in danger and book it in the opposite direction. I heard louder growls behind me and I could almost feel its hot breath on my legs. It was right at my heels biting at my ankles in hopes to slow me down. With my low energy I knew I wouldn’t last long at this speed. I had to do something to help me escape. Out of pure adrenaline rush, I made a quick turn and with a sharp motion I slammed my bag across its face. As it whimpered in pain I quickly tore open my pack and grabbed out the heaviest school book I had and threw it as hard as I possibly could at its face. This seemed to shock the animal at it rolled over on the ground in pain. I took this as an opportunity to escape and bolted away as fast as I could.

I had been running for what seemed like forever and finally, my body gave out. Once I figured I was far enough away from it I stopped pushing myself and collapsed on my knees in a fit of coughs and strangled breathing. I escaped at least. My only price to pay was the harsh burning sensation that was bubbling up in my lungs and some slight scratches. I was alive at least. The only downside to my escape is that I had No. Idea. Where. I. Was. As I ran, my surroundings seemed to have blended together. The city streets were long forgotten and I was surrounded by lush forest. A forest I had never seen in my life.

Despite my current distress, I knew I still had to find somewhere to sleep. It was pitch black out now. I assumed it was nearing midnight but I wasn’t sure as my phone had died a couple hours before. I was as lost as lost could be and instead of wandering around aimlessly for the rest of the night, I figured I’d just sleep near a sheltered tree. I sure as hell needed plenty of sleep. I laid there on the cold, wet ground for what I could only assume was a couple hours. I was still terrified. I was extremely shaken by my experience from earlier. I was also freezing. The little warmth my clothes had given me was quickly lost due to the freezing water that had seeped into them upon contact with the ground. At some point I must’ve passed out as that is the remainder of the memories I have from that night.

“Hello? Hello? Excuse me miss are you alright? Are you alive? Wow Jisung that’s a smart questions to ask.” I heard distant talking from what seemed to be above me.

I rubbed my eyes in confusion, slowly blinking them open. As my vision cleared I saw a boy. The boy had slightly grown out dirty blonde hair, golden eyes, a relatively short stature and was dressed in sweats. The most shocking detail of all was how familiar he looked, almost too familiar.

The boy blinked in surprise. “Oh! I see you’ve awoken... finally.” He slightly mumbled. “Sorry to wake you its just I don’t see people casually sleeping in the forest everyday you know.” He shuffled and rubbed his neck as he spoke.

I clambered around and began to sit upright as I continued to stare at him. I definitely knew him from somewhere. He seemed to somewhat recognize me as well.

“Ah that sweater! You must be from Maple High as well then, that’s why you seem so familiar!” He explained “Wait what’s your name... ah wait don’t tell me I know it...... is it Name by any chance?” He questioned. Now I knew exactly who he was.

“You’re correct. And you’re Han Jisung right? We’ve been in chemistry, music, and language arts classes together for the past two years. Now I’m embarrassed I didn’t recognize you sooner.” I mumbled out of embarrassment.

“No no its fine! Plus it took me a while to remember your name.” He chided as he rubbed his neck once again. “Do you mind letting me know why you’re stranded out here in the forest? If you’re camping or something then that’s understandable but this area is known for being very unsafe, plus you look dangerously unprepared.” He questioned.

“Ah about that... you see I got lost last night. I was in the city and some animal chased me and I wound up here somehow.” I awkwardly chuckled. I mean I wasn’t being completely honest but only certain people would fully understand my situation.

“You wouldn’t happen to know the way out of this hell hole would you?” I pleaded.

“Now I see what happened!” He chuckled as he seemingly put the pieces together. “I can show you the way out! This forest is practically my second home haha.” he laughed

Jisung had helped me grabbed my things and started to lead me out of the forest.

“Hey Jisung?”

“Yeah?”

“How come you know this forest so well? And how did you even find me? I mean its a pretty random location?” I questioned.

“Oh, I come here to hunt.” He blurted out.

“Hunt? Like animals? Isn’t that like really outdated?” I questioned.

“Oh..uh..yeah I hunt like deer...and stuff. I guess my family is just kinda outdated. Hunting is a... hobby of mine I guess....” He trailed off. I found his answer rather odd... I mean he seemed nervous? No unsure? Whatever it was probably nothing.

As he led me out of the forest I managed to slip up and mention that I had to figure out a place to stay. Out of what I could only assume was a mixture of kindness and pity, he offered to let me stay at his house. At first I immediately declined. It was such a huge offer to just give to someone you barely know. Plus I would feel guilty as I had little to offer him in thanks. Eventually he persuaded me to stay with him. My payment could be in the form of chores as he was home alone, his parents away on business. He lent me clothes and let me stay in one of his many guest rooms. I took a shower and once again took a nap.

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 4: To exist (Part 6)

Warnings: mention of drugs

Author notes: debate about how I depicted Yōko’s condition in the 4th part is opened! More seriously, this is one long part, but I hope you’ll like it. To be honest, that part was the one which made me so nervous about the chapter... Don’t hesitate to give me your opinion! Also, I realised I liked reblogs too! ^^

It was night when I woke up. The first thing I noticed in the darkness was the thing pressed onto my face. An oxygen mask. It was not there before. Had my body tried to give up on me again? After all, I was not supposed to be alive... And Lord was I thirsty. The tips of my fingers moved and I looked for the pager to call the nurse, who fortunately was never far from the infirmary. She turned on a small light and came to the side of my bed. I pointed to the breathing machine.

"Your oxygen saturation suddenly dropped while you were sleeping… Your body still needs to recover from the overdose, after all... Not to mention that nasty pneumonia… Hopefully, you are fine." She explained.

"I..." My voice was husky, but I could talk "What…?"

Morphine overdose…? Pneumonia…? What about my ability…?

"I'll bring you some water." She smiled "You are recovering just fine. Your body is trying to hold on."

I requested to sit up by myself, and slowly raised my back from the mattress to take the cup of water in my shaking hands. Feebly, I brought it to my mouth, and drank, absolutely relishing in the sensation of hydration.

"That's good." She complimented me "You should have some rest now."

"Wait…" I still had some trouble breathing "What exactly… What exactly killed me…?"

"Although it is clear your ability made you suffer, Ogawa-san, the thing that almost took your life today was morphine…" She sighed "And I even told you to be careful…"

"I don't understand…"

"It caused a severe respiratory depression." She explained "It means you could not breathe anymore, which made your oxygen saturation drop tremendously…"

"But… My headache… My fatigue… The pain… The coughing, even…!"

"Muscle pains and intracranial hypertension — your headache — are after effects of morphine. The fact you could not sleep first caused your headache, of course, but also made you weak, which is why you somehow caught pneumonia. That explains the coughing. As I said, we can't deny your ability was highly involved, but all that pain was increased by the drug." She explained "Only, you were never diagnosed because… You would never come for anything other than being stitched up like a ragged cloth…"

"... I see…" I looked down "I see…"

"Ogawa-san…" She took my hand into her "It isn't your fault…"

"No, indeed… I… I was just stupid… I caused this… I'm such a fool…"

Tears fell onto the sheets but I did not mind. All that pain… I had inflicted it myself.

"And… Dazai-san..." I exhaled "Is he... Is he alright...?"

The few words and reactions I could have witnessed when being awake had clearly indicated he did feel some guilt, inside. I did not want him to think it was his fault I was dying; it was all just a mistake I had committed.

"That stubborn child refused to leave..." She sighed "He constantly kept an eye on you and was the first one to notice the drop of your saturation. I... Think this accident made him reflect on himself."

"I don't know..." I looked down, only to finally notice he was still there, asleep with his head on the bed.

"That's only my opinion..." The nurse shrugged "He never let go of you, fearing you would wake up if his ability did not cancel yours."

"It's untrue..." I refused to believe it "He... He doesn't care... He is just putting on an act... As soon as I get better, he will... Again..."

Just imagining him beating me up again was enough to stress me out, and the monitor's rhythm increased with my heartbeat. Waking him up.

"Nurse, there is a —"

He saw me, and did not finish his sentence.

"You must calm down..." The nurse advised, laying me back "We will talk it out after your recovery. For now, you must not be anxious about anything."

"What's the point in recovering if I have to come back after...?" I murmured.

"What's going on...?" My superior looked at the nurse.

"Nothing you should care about for the moment. But, understand her nervousness... And I share her concern. Why are you suddenly nice toward Ogawa-san?" She frowned "It is not my business, but the bruises I wrapped up for her speak for themselves."

"... My hand must have slipped while I was dozing off..." He dodged the matter "I'll cancel your ability again, Ogawa-kun."

"Why...?" I avoided his touch "Why now? Why are you even here? What are you trying to make me believe?"

"... Is that how you see me? A liar...?" He looked upset.

"Not a liar. A puppeteer." I confessed, sincerely terrified "I can't understand what you think... I can only think about your ulterior motives, always, always... I am afraid of being played with..."

"I've never tried to manipulate your feelings to gain your loyalty..." He defended.

"Stop this nonsense, please… Manipulating… You do that all too well…! You do that all the time…"

"Ogawa-kun… Not with you…"

"Why did you praise me so randomly once, just to beat the crap out of me the next day, then?" I started sobbing "I don't understand... Do you just hate me...?"

"I don't hate you...! Obviously I don't hate you..."

"Then, am I too weak...?"

"That's not it..."

The nurse had left, most certainly to let us talk alone.

"What is it, then? Are you just bipolar...?! Or am I insane...?"

"I just wanted to train you... I wanted to make you stronger so you did not die... I honestly never noticed I was the one killing you." Dazai-san lowered his head "It's embarrassing, but I did not know about your pain, about your addiction... Until yesterday. Am I not a useless executive...? Had I done something… Had I done something, perhaps you never would have ended in such a state."

"... Right now..." I gripped onto the sheets "I am not sure whether you are acting or being sincere... I'm sorry, Dazai-san..."

"I don't want you to die!" He said, more willingly "I don't want you to die... Being tough and merciless was the actual act... I wanted you to grow accustomed to the Mafia... I wanted you to cast away your emotions, not to be morally struggling with decisions... I wanted to toughen you up, so you would resist against the enemies, so you would be mentally strong... But the only thing I managed to create was a machine, expert in torture and assassination, who does the job without a glance behind, who sheds blood with no hesitation, who looks down on pain... In a way, I obtained what I wanted, but... It isn't you. It isn't the girl who cried for attention that I first met. When I look at you and see fear, hatred, disgust and resentment in your eyes, I can't help thinking I did something wrong... But I could not understand what... Until you told me you wanted me to kill you. At this moment, I knew that nothing I had attempted with you would work. I've recently come to realise I was only hurting you... Forcefully making you face such violence, trying to mould you into the perfect subordinate... I have to admit it was a mistake. I can't believe I am the one who turned off that flickering yet bright flame of life in your eyes, whereas... Whereas it shone so warmly..."

It was understandable that someone who yearned to end his life would be fascinated by someone willing to live. That I was the one he was drawn to, however, was surprising. His words made me doubt as well. Indeed, since when had I become such a cold-hearted person? Since when had I killed without even a thought for the victim? Since when had I looked so eagerly for the worst methods of torture? I suddenly remembered how reluctant I had been to join the Port Mafia, how I had pretended to prefer dying... Since when had I lost my will to stay alive?

"You always repeat that the weak must die… I am weak, then why won't you let me leave? I questioned, curtly.

"Because... Because I want you to fetch me a cup of coffee, I want you to classify the paperwork for me...!" He sounded like a child about to throw a tantrum "The office... It felt less empty with you inside..."

"Now, you're just being difficult…" I looked away "I want to believe you, Dazai-san, I really want to. However… You've so often changed your mind and I am tired. I can't afford to be deceived anymore… I don't want to be disappointed in someone anymore…"

"... I know..." Dazai-san's eyes focused on his feet "I understand... It leaves an empty hole in your chest, you don't know what to think anymore... I know that... I didn't think I would make you feel that way, nonetheless..."

"You... You understand my point...?" I frowned.

"Of course... People are never what they seem. You, for example, look strong, determined, yet you are so sick you could die at any moment. People tell sweet lies in front of you, yet curse you when you are not looking. I know that..." He chuckled bitterly "Perhaps the problem comes from me... Perhaps am I a failure of a human being, tired of living, but mostly —"

"Afraid of your fellows…" I stared at him, finally understanding "You're afraid of us… And you don't know how to behave around me… That's why you seem so lunatic…"

"Do you hate me for that...? No, such a question... It is obvious you would hate me..."

"I've already told you… There are many people who do that better than me…" I paused to catch my breath "I don't hate you, Dazai-san. In fact, I pity you… And I feel… A bit stupid…"

I had believed Dazai-san was purposely rough and contemptuous toward me, because he did not like me, because I was too weak, because I was worthless. In fact... In fact, whereas he did not like me, he did not loathe me either, and that alone was enough to appease me. There was some place for me by his side, as a subordinate. I could keep serving him, obeying his commands, and he would not mind. If only I would not die... I could have strived to understand the pain gnawing at him from the inside, I could have tried to comprehend his feelings, instead of detesting him as I had done. At the very least, toughening me up had permitted me to survive in the cruel world of darkness the Port Mafia belonged to.

"What you did was undeniably wrong… You can't teach one if you use violence… Hitting me, abusing me, harassing me… Nothing can ever erase this fact… If I cannot forget, then, at least, I can try to forgive. You are the reason I survived so far, and for that I am grateful."

"You shouldn't be grateful that I treated you so brutally..."

"To be honest…" I recalled my time by his side, not without a tinge of bitterness "I really wanted to strive, to be a proper subordinate, worthy of being the protege of the infamous Demon Prodigy's… I guess I wanted to be useful, somehow, for once in my life. I wanted to exist, to be acknowledged as a human being. You did that, though… You treated me as a human being, although it was not ideal. You did not ignore me, at least. Thank you, Dazai-san, for making me feel alive, even if it was short."

"I don't deserve your thanks… But you're welcome…" He avoided my look.

"What are you afraid of? From me, I mean?"

"Huh…?"

"What could I do to harm you? What could I say to hurt you? Scheming against you? You would find out immediately. Talking behind your back? Many people do that. Besides, I've always been honest about you; I can't stand you. Well, I couldn't…" I mumbled "So… Why?"

"Why, indeed… It's not just about you…"

"I know… I'm not asking you to trust me… I just want to know that, if you need a loyal subordinate, you have one."

"Ogawa-kun… You can't mean it, not after everything I've done…"

"Oh but I do mean it. It is my way to redeem myself, too."

"... What do you mean…?"

I avoided his eyes for a moment, strangely unable to face the inquisitive and somewhat hopeful expression he wore. Why did he have to look so childish? So harmless? Although… He had not always acted like a cold adult man… All the times he had bickered with Nakahara-san, all the times he had dropped the mask of toughness to smile at me, even faintly, and that one time he had sounded relieved when I had recovered from the wounds inflicted by Gustavo Cosola… In fact, I had never paid attention to him, despite the warning Oda-san had given me. I did not understand him, nor did I know him. Dazai-san had troubles and I had forgotten that under the armour of the Demon Prodigy was hidden a small, terrified sixteen years old child, who strangely resembled me. Behind a wall of mercilessness, we were just teenagers who had grown up too quickly and had been thrown without concern in a world of adults, forced to become adults ourselves and to carry the immense burden of death upon our shoulders.

"I was too selfish…" I muttered "Too centered on myself. I did not see that it wasn't easy for you either…"

"Ogawa-kun…" He sighed "I have to confess something, since you're honest with me; everything I did was to train you… But I would lie if I said I never took my frustration out on you. On bad days, or only to hide my weakness, I beat you up without caring about your improvement. The light that shone in your eyes… Yes, there were times I wanted to turn it off. How dared you hold onto life? How could you believe in tomorrow? Break, cry, fall into despair or die being worthless, these were my actual thoughts."

"What do you hope to achieve by telling this to me?" I asked simply.

"I wanted to see if you would loathe me, now."

"Dazai-san… I knew all that. I mean, it was obvious you had some stress to let out." I tilted my head "The only thing I really resent you for is not teaching me to control my ability properly… For the rest… Now that I am going to die, anyway, there is no point in holding a grudge against you. I'd rather leave peacefully…"

"But I don't want you to leave…" A sort of pout formed on his lips "I don't want to lose you…"

"Losing me…?" I huffed, amused "I am not a toy for you to play with… I can't be lost. Besides, you merely need me to serve as furniture for your office. I may have given you my loyalty, Dazai-san, but I haven't given up on my pride as a human being. Do remember that, please."

He sighed. Heavily. Was he annoyed? Was he tired of me?

"I am ready to take my responsibilities. Weak people die, but you don't belong to them. You are my subordinate and you know I don't allow my men to be weak." He stood up, crossing his arms "You won't die, because I decided so."

"My body is in no state to fight…" I argued "I have pneumonia and I am a morphine addict. I can't sleep and my immune system has already collapsed a long time ago. What do you expect me to do? Besides, you have another protege… From what I heard, he is much more useful than me."

"I expect you to recover." He faced me, the usual Port Mafia executive replacing the distressed child "And, about Akutagawa-kun… He has no idea what his ability is made for, don't compare the two of you. You two have different strengths."

"But he succeeds where I am powerless." I stated "He —"

"He is a blade without a sheath. I need to control him in order to make him the most powerful ability user of the Port Mafia. When that day comes, he will be, without a doubt, the organisation's greatest asset. For now, however, he is nothing but an untamed dog."

"Dazai-san… You hate dogs…" I remarked, feeling sorry for Akutagawa-kun.

"What you lack in physical strength, you compensate with that." He pressed a finger to my forehead without paying attention to my words "You learnt what I taught you, what I could never teach him. That is why you are a valuable subordinate in my squadron, because I can trust your wit, because I know that you are able to replace me."

"I could never, Dazai-san…!" I protested "I am nowhere near you…!"

"That's right. But you are above the others, and that is all that matters. You can lead in my stead if needed. Mmh, it's actually better to keep you alive." He seemed to think aloud "There are more pros than cons…"

"I am not a tool…" I reminded him, vexed.

"No, you are my subordinate." He agreed.

In his mouth, it did not sound too different…

"Oh~ It could be interesting, giving you Yamada-san's seat…~" He mumbled, walking around the bed in deep thought "But then you couldn't be on the field anymore… What to do~? I want to see that idiot's disappointed face…~"

"What does it matter, anyway? Can I even fight again with that body? Just give me paperwork if all you need is my brain…" I groaned.

"You will fight again." He declared "Why couldn't you? Just rest and take your treatment. It is a matter of time before you are physically back on your feet, anyway. And give up on morphine; I'll grant you sleep from now on."

"Dazai-san!" I burst, unable to hold it in any longer "Did… Did you even pay attention when we were talking…? Were you even sincere…?!"

His fist hit the wall, suddenly, and I jumped in fear. I had given him my loyalty, I had been honest with him… Had he manipulated me again…? He did not move. His back was toward me. I was about to say something when a small detail caught my attention. His hand, the one that had punched the wall, was trembling. He let it fall to his side.

"You must be useful…" He hissed between his teeth "I have to find some use in you, even while you are recovering…"

The bandage covering his skin was slowly reddening as he muttered incoherent words and I sighed. I understood, although too late again.

"There is… There is a position I can occupy, even in this bed…" I spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence "If my presence serves a purpose, the Port Mafia won't need to get rid of me."

"What is it…?" He slowly turned around.

"I believe a lieutenant is still missing in your squadron, Dazai-san. Until I recover, I could lead the men from afar and take care of lower missions for you. Then, once I am better and able to fight, I can accompany them directly." I suggested "Besides, it will drastically decrease your paperwork… Which is at your advantage, isn't it?"

I cracked a small smile and waited for his response. He really did not want me to die, that I was sure of. However, the organisation did not care about damaged goods. If I did not prove myself to be more than a disposable pawn, an order to abandon me would be given, forcing my superior to either eliminate me or let me rot somewhere. In both cases, I would die.

"A lieutenant… It is true that I don't have that." He held his chin a second "Very well, I shall promote you. After all, I never got to reward you properly for your contribution to the fight against the Sicilian Mafia."

He gave me an understanding smirk, and I nodded, accepting the offer.

"Thank you, Dazai-san. I will strive not to disappoint you."

"Good. Take a week off for your initial recovery, then I will send the first piles of paperwork to you."

"Thank you for your consideration."

"Also… Odasaku may or may not visit you later… I remember he knows a cheap yet clean place not far from the headquarters." He added, heading toward the door "Ask him about it, I'm sure he'll be glad to answer you. Dust is bad for your lungs."

I chuckled once he exited the infirmary, and laid back on the bed. There I was, alive, already impatient to discover the paperwork he had promised. It was a good feeling, breathing, even if I still felt uncomfortable. I did not want to die anymore. There were still things I needed to do and a superior somehow counting on me. I could not let him down… And I wanted to see the sun set on Yokohama once again.

It was wonderful to exist again.

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[lovelysugawara]

His Cupcake

pairing: Sugawara Koushi x Reader

plot: One-shot: Sugawara is you husband.  **Y/N = Kumi**

Grammatical errors ahead. 

A/N: i just want to unleased what I imagined from long ago.  Enjoy guys. Sorry i don’t use y/n, I usually make up names. Enjoy.

As the sun rays touch your face, you slightly open up your eyes. Another day and another work for you. You sometimes wish to have a lazy day and be on the bed.

But as you look beside you, you feel refreshed. There he is, your husband. Sleeping peacefully. It's still 6 am and you think it’s early for him to wake up.

You started to cook breakfast.

You cook his favorite omelet when suddenly someone hugs you from the back.

“Ack-!” you jolt.

“Why haven’t you woke me up? I’m supposed to cook breakfast today, cupcake.” He nuzzles his face to your neck.

You smiled as he half asleep questioned you.

“But you stayed up so late last night, I know you need to rest, Koushi.” You touch his head and pat it.

He sighed.

“I’m not even a high school teacher but why am I doing their work?” he complains to you and he walks to get water from the fridge.

“Didn’t you promise to help them? It’s your fault for making a promise.” You reminded him of what he did weeks ago.

He once again sighed. “I just want a lazy day with you. Doing nothing. Or doing something.”

You giggled. “Well, we’re both caught up with our jobs. But for sure we will be free next week.”

You touch your neck and massage it a little, you feel stiff. Unaware of your husband’s stare.

He suddenly grabs your waist and hugs you once again.

“EH-!”

You suddenly blushed when you felt his lips on your nape.

And the next words he said really drive you insane.

He whispered to your ear, “I miss you.”

Those simple words make your heart race and never change. The effects of him on you never change a bit.

“K-Koushi-?”

He then kisses you on the lips. “We still have time. Let’s go.”

“Eh? What-? Where? But I’m cooking!” He holds your hand and dragged you to your bedroom.

  You sighed heavily as you type on your computer at the office.

“Sugawara-san, are you okay? You look tired.” Your officemate asked you.

“Ah, it’s nothing. I kind of stayed up too late last night.” You yawn.

Your body aches a bit after that steamy morning with your husband. It’s intense that you can’t even say a word. You know how calm he is whatever he’s doing. But that is really something. You two are so busy that you forgot to have quality time together. Well, who are you complain? Coz you know you miss him too. Just how many times you managed to have a look at your husband while he’s showering. You think you’re a perv. But at least you know your husband is still so into you after he married you 2 years ago.

Suddenly your phone pings.

 Hitoka-chan

Kumi-senpai, have a drink with us this afternoon.

 You are kind of tempted to have a go, but feel conscious since your husband is still busy and then you will go out and have a drink.

Then another message pops on your phone.

 Suga-daddy 

Cupcake, Shimizu asked if you can go out later tonight. She said you didn’t answer their messages.

 And yes, they already texted your husband. You plan to ignore their invitation just like before.

You type a message, “Can I see them? I’m worried about you. You’re working hard and then I go out to have drinks with our friends.”

You press send. And you sighed. You can’t let your husband go home without you there to greet him.

Then another ping.

  Suga-daddy

It’s okay honey. Go out with them. I’ll just pick you up so we go home together. It’s been a while since you met your girlfriends. I’m sure they miss you. I can’t keep you all to myself, right?

 You almost cry at your husband’s reply. Thinking he’s the best husband in the whole world. Anyway, he said yes and then you can go out.

 After you are done with your work that afternoon. Your phone pings once again.

 Suga-daddy

Hey, cupcake, I still have a meeting this afternoon, and I need to still help them with the questionnaire for the exams. Message me where will you guys go okay? Enjoy your night with them.

 It makes you smile and blushed so much thinking how sweet your husband is.

 You open a glass door as you enter the familiar bar you and your high school friends really like.

“Kumi-senpai!!! Here!”

You saw the familiar faces, your cute kouhai Hitoka, your classmate Shimizu who was waving at you a little, and the wild onee-san, Saeko.

After you settle in the chair with them, you can’t hide your smile, seeing familiar faces again.

“How are you guys? I’m so glad we got here.”

Hitoka is still so cute, and Kiyoko didn’t even change and becomes more pretty, While Saeko is still as cool as ever.

“Osu!! I thought Koushi won’t let you come. Ha ha!” Saeko-nee-san is blushing already, she must be drinking lots you think.

“Ha ha. He won’t do that. He always spoils me anyway.” You can’t help but boast about your husband.

“I guess he's a very gentle husband, right Kumi-senpai?! Hitoka suddenly says that. I’m shocked to the point that I blushed on her comment.

Kiyoko only laughs at her.

“Heeeeh. So is Tadashi a gentle husband to you too, Hitoka-chan?” Saeko-nee never fails to make fun of our innocent kouhai.

“Ehhhh?” Hitoka is blushing so much and you all laugh at how even married for almost a year now to Tadashi is still as innocent as ever.

Hours have already passed, and Saeko is already wasted. Telling you stories about how broken-hearted she is over Akiteru (Tsukishima’s brother).

“That Akiteru! I’m hopeless!” She said after drinking a straight bottle of beer.

“You haven’t dated?” You are so shocked thinking that they are already in a relationship since they are always together.

“They go out quite a lot, but still don’t know what they are.” Kiyoko drops the bomb of truth.

Saeko drinks another shot, “Sister-in-law, can you be a bit more sensitive?”

Saeko looks miserable as she drinks a lot.

“Does he have a girlfriend?” Hitoka asked.

“None! I’ve been waiting for him to move.I met you all when you are still in high school, and now you guys are already married! And Kei  might marry soon too. While me and Akiteru are still like this. I’m hopeless!” she is already shouting and she’s already drunk. The three of you can’t stop her. 

You can’t help but remember your past love story with Sugawara. You have to admit that you work so much to get his attention. And you are lucky enough to get his affection and be mutual with each other.

You think you need to support Saeko about her feelings. That’s why you also drinks with her.

 After a few hours.

“Wow, they are wasted!” Sugawara is already standing beside his wife who is already half asleep on the table.

“Sorry Sugawara-senpai, we can’t stop them.” Hitoka already explaining.

“Ha ha it’s okay, it’s her fault anyway. She really can’t handle liquor ever since.” Suga is already tying your hair up (bcs it’s already a mess).

“Just take her, we can wait for ryu and Yamaguchi-kun.” Kiyoko already told him.

“Well then, let’s meet again some other time.” Sugawara then put you on his back.

 As Sugawara carried you at his back, you started to talk drunk on him.

“I-i feel s-sorry about Saeko-nee-chan.”

“Why, what happened to her?” He asked.

“Tsukishima-kun aniki still held her affection. I want to help her, you know.”

“So they are still not together?” He continued.

“Yeah, like it’s been a decade no?”

“But cupcake, you can’t force someone to fall inlove.” Suga started to scold you.

“But I did force you before, right?” You felt a bit hurt on your own words.

Sugawara laughs a little.

“You didnt. I already loved you since elementary.” He admitted.

“What? You did not!” You already deny his statement.

He once again laughs. “It’s true, I always told you this every time you’re drunk. So you probably won’t remember it the next day.” he said.

“No fair. At Least tell me when I'm sober, so I can reply to you properly.” You said as you little by little fell asleep.

“Hey, Sugawara-kun,,” you said.

Suga suddenly stops walking. 

Wondering why you called him like that.

“Sugawara-kun?” He looks at you, while you are falling asleep at his back on his shoulder. 

“Will you marry me? Let’s get married already, Sugawara-kun. I really wanna marry you. And raised a family with you. Because I love you.” You continue.

Sugawara was just smiling and listening to you until you fell asleep.

He then gets your left hand and kisses your hand and your wedding ring.

“Of course, I’ll marry you how many times you want. You are my precious after all. Sleep, my love.” He smiled.

End

  A/N: Thank you for reading. 

[agustminsuga]

Sihyuk Academy Ch. 9

Genre: BTS X Reader Supernatural AU

Word Count: 2.2K

Warnings: Mentions of family death/murder, mentions of torture

A/N: I know it’s been a very long time since the last update. Life has been insane between school, work, and major health issues with myself and my family. I have chapter 10 written it just needs typed up. I am also half way through with writing out chapter 11. I am hoping to update very soon. I hope you all enjoy and thanks to those who have been super understanding of life getting in the way. I appreciate the support and love you guys still send.

Namjoon and the boys all helped you move most of your belongings into Namjoon’s room. You had to find a new mattress because yours was now ruined. Once you were settled in the room the boys gathered around, hoping to get some answers.

“Thank you for showing up when you did Jin, I don’t know what I would have done without you.” You say, hugging him tightly.

“What happened Y/N? Why was he so angry?” Hoseok asked.

“I’m not sure. I wish I could give you a solid answer?

“I’m sure Charles will once he’s done dealing with Yoongi.” Namjoon said.

“I hope he’s ok” You mutter.

“He just tried to kill you and you’re worried about him?” Jungkook called from the door.

“I don’t know how to explain it ok? I just feel restless now that he’s gone.”

“He managed to claim you.” Namjoon said.

“What does that mean?” Jimin asked.

“Well since he has similar abilities as myself, I’m making an educated guess that he bit her pretty hard, which could mean he essentially marked her as his. I can tell there’s something off about her, including her smell.”

“Isn’t that a werewolf thing?” Taehyung asked

“It is, but vampires do it as well, just not as often.”

“But what does that mean for her? Is there any way to get rid of the claim?” Hoseok asks.

“Never fully. The claim can be covered or broken for a short time, but if he did indeed bite deep enough, then there’s no use trying.”

“Is there a way to see if it was deep enough?” Taehyung asks.

“Y/N, if you would allow me to, may I see you neck?” Namjoon asks.

You nodded, removing the bandages from your neck. Namjoon touched the area around the bite marks, leaning in close. You could feel him trying to gather a scent. He let out a sound that was a mix of relief and curiosity.

“He definitely left some type of mark, but it doesn’t seem to be permanent” he said, helping cover the marks up.

“So what can we do?” Jimin asks.

“Well, we can try to break it. But it will probably be painful for both Y/N and Yoongi. There would also be a huge risk of fully marking her, which wouldn’t be much better.”

“Well, what would you want to do Y/N?” Jin looks to you.

“I’m not sure. As much as I love the idea of getting rid of the mark. I don’t want to try and find a random person to help” You say.

“That and I’m sure you wouldn’t want a random person to possible mark you permanently.” Namjoon pointed out.

“Umm, hyung, you could always do it you know?” Jungkook says.

“I’ve gone over this with you guys. I don’t bite to mark unless it’s under certain circumstances.”

“What are they?” You ask.

“I thought I told you before?”

“You said a more intimate situation when I was in the infirmary. So my brain just assumed something more private.”

“Yes, much more private. I don’t like biting outside of sex. I sometimes feed from live sources, but even then, that’s done in a private room where they can be carefree.”

“Why is that?”

“When you’re bitten by a vampire, your mood is heightened. So if you’re feeling scared it will hurt. But if you’re feeling pleasure.” He lets the silence finish the sentence for him.

You could feel a blush run across your face. You cared for Namjoon, but the thought of having sex with him was crazy. Not even bad, just something that had never crossed your mind.

“Y/N?” You hear Jimin call.

“Sorry, I was thinking. What’s going on?” You ask.

“We were trying to ask if you’d like to go find a mattress so you can sleep.” Taehyung said.

“I’ll just crash on the floor tonight. I’m too exhausted to do anything else.”

It takes a little bit more convincing before the boys believe you. You set up a blanket and a pillow on the floor after they leave, saying your goodnights. You fell asleep, but it wasn’t long before the nightmares woke you up. You let out a yelp as you sit up, rubbing your throat. You kept reliving the moment when Yoongi tried to kill you. Each cycle through becoming more and more vivid.

“Are you alright?” A voice says from right beside you.

You let out a scream, swinging in the general direction of the voice.

“Calm down, Y/N, it’s me. It’s Namjoon.” He says softly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you” You say as you take a deep breath.

“Don’t be. I’m sure your dream was very vivid and unpleasant. Would you like to lie on the bed with me? I won’t try anything” he says.

“Just to see if it will help me sleep. I don’t want to be a bother, but I’m exhausted.

Namjoon helps you up and over to his bed. He covers you up and pulls you close, holding you as you slept soundly beside him.

~             ~             ~

The same cycle repeats for just over a week. Wake up, go to class, do school work, go to lessons with Charles, and then go to bed with Namjoon hold you.

It’s on day 9 of this cycle that Charles calls you and the 6 boys into an office. You’re greeted by your other instructors and Headmaster Bang himself.

“We wanted to speak with you all about the situation that happened just over a week ago.” Charles says.

“Sure, no problem” Namjoon says, taking control of the group.

“We’ve had Mr. Min in a special room over the past few days. During that time we searched his belonging. We also went through some messages on his phone. Headmaster Bang wants to go over what we found” Lisa says.

Headmaster Bang stands up and moves to stand in front of your group.

“Y/N, as you know we are aware of your family situation. We know who you are and now we know why Yoongi did what he did” The headmaster says in a calm tone.

He pulls out a file folder, pulling out a couple pages.

“These are print outs of messages from Mr. Min’s phone. Y/N, I brought these as proof for what I’m about to say. I’m going to need you to sit down.”

You listen, trying to think of what could possibly be so bad. He hands the prints to Namjoon and the others before grasping your hands in a comforting way. You don’t understand why the boys had been given the papers instead of you.

“Namjoon, in that folder is one other paper I need you specifically to see.” The headmaster says.

You watch Namjoon read over the first paper inside the folder. Once he closes it he comes to stand behind you, placing his hands on your shoulders. You were confused, what did Joon have to do with this whole thing.

“Y/N, Yoongi’s parents are possibly responsible for the death of your mothers. It’s not set in stone yet, but the police are looking into it. Yoongi was made aware very recently, and was ordered by his parents to go after you.”

You were speechless, you honestly weren’t sure if you believed it or not. But something in your gut told you it was true.

“I don’t understand, what does Namjoon have to do with this then?” You asked.

“In just a few moments police officers will be questioning Yoongi. While the method is not the most humane, it is completely legal in our world. I’ve been informed that you and he have been bonded. Which means that you’ll feel the pain he is about to experience. Namjoon will help regulate those feelings, while the rest will help in whatever ways they can.”

You desperately wanted to ask what he meant, but before you could even open your mouth a horrible pain ripped through you. Even with the help of Namjoon it didn’t take away the worst of it. After an immeasurable amount of time the direct pain stops, but the phantom pain remains. You’re trying to catch your breath when Jimin calls your name. Like every other time before, you looked directly into his eyes.

“That’s a good girl. Now, I want you to go to sleep. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you. Don’t wake up until Joon tells you to okay? We don’t want you to feel any more pain.” Jimin says with a smile.

~             ~             ~

“How long is this supposed to take? You called to her yesterday” You hear a voice say.

“It’s hard to say Jimin. She is bonded to Yoongi, I’m sure her body isn’t in great condition either” You knew that voice to be Namjoon’s.

That’s when you tried to focus on what was going on. You were exhausted, and everything hurt. But that wasn’t the thing that bothered you. No, the thing that bothered you was how smothered you felt, as if someone was on top of you.

You snapped into full consciousness, trying to sit up only to be met with a barrier. You forget your surroundings as adrenaline kicks in and you attempt to escape the restraints holding you to the bed.

“Y/N! You have to calm down! Jimin, get over here now.” A voice shouts.

Soon you see Jimin come into your line of sight. He grabs your face, forcing you to look at him.

“Y/N, I need you to calm down”

Jimin’s voice instantly puts you at ease, causing you to fall back onto the mattress. You continued to stare into his eyes, waiting for his next command.

“Are you going to be okay if I look away?” He asks.

You nod, knowing you were safe. You look around the room, noticing you were inside the hospital wing once more. Only this time you were strapped to the bed, Namjoon and Jimin made quickly with untying the restraints.

“What happened? I’m confused as to how I got here” You say, rubbing your wrists.

“Jimin put you into a coma. We had to be srue you didn’t feel pain Yoongi felt. But you started to hurt yourself, so we had to restrain you. We wanted to be sure you were constantly monitored, so we brought you here” Namjoon said, sitting on the edge of your bed.

“How long have I been out?” You ask.

“About a week” Jimin says.

“What did I miss?”

“Now that depends, do you want to hear it from myself or the headmaster?” Namjoon asks.

“Can Headmaster tell me?”

“Of course, let me go get him”

Namjoon stands to leave.

“Wait! I’d like you to stay wil me… Please.”

He smiles softly, nodding in agreement, before sending Jimin to go get the headmaster. It’s not long before the headmaster appears in the doorway.

“I’m glad to see you’re awake. We have some more news for you if you’d like to hear it” Headmaster Bang says, sitting in the chair beside your bed.

“How bad is it? Do you need to have Jimin knock me out again?” You ask, trying to joke.

“While it’s not that bad, the news is not exactly good” He responds with a sad smile.

“Go ahead” You say.

“We have confirmed that Mr. Min’s parents did indeed kill your mothers. Though we currently are unable to find them. Mr. Min also confirmed that he was ordered to kill you, but Mr. Kim stopped him.”

“Wow… I was always hoping their killer would be found. But I never thought it would be like this.” You say softly.

“It is a lot to take in. Mr. Kim here can give you more details should you want them. For now though, just focus on resting the bond you share with Mr. Min drained you” Headmaster Bang said, before leaving you alone with Namjoon.

It was a couple hours later that were back in Namjoon’s room. Jimin and Jin were there with you to help fill in any gaps.

“So what, they just tortured him for answers? But that stupid bond almost killed me?” You ask.

“Yes. Your body is weaker than his. So while it was painful for him, it was life threatening for you” Jin explains.

“We eventually had to restrain you because you were trying to hurt yourself in your sleep. We had to take you to the hospital wing” Jimin adds.

“I’m not mad. I understand you guys did what you had to do” You say.

“We’re sorry it go to that point, that we didn’t see it sooner” Jimin says.

“You guys did great. I’m thankful for friends like you to help me through this.”

“You don’t have to thank us. You’re one of us now” Jin says with a smile.

“I think we should let her rest. You guys can stop by tomorrow between classes. I’ll send a message out for a rotating watch” Namjoon says.

The boys agree, saying their goodbyes. Both seemed eager to spend time with you tomorrow. You got changed into your pajamas and then, as you had a week prior, you fell asleep in Namjoon’s arms.

[hopeduckling13]

A Wish Come True: Chapter 7

Summary:  How quickly can your mood change from pure happiness to pure horror? In a millisecond.The day Killian and Emma found out they were true love, they were ecstatic. That is until, they were forced to say goodbye to each other. For forever. Or so they thought.Can they still manage to find their true love for each other after five years of seperation or is it too late?

Fandom: Once Upon A Time

Ship: Captain Swan

Setting: 5 years after 5x20 Firebird

Also on AO3, FF.net and Wattpad

Catch up on Tumblr: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6]

Reblog to be tagged in future chapters:  @bioshocked-fallout

--- KILLIAN’S POV ---

 I wake up the next day with a picture of Emma in my hand. I do remember looking at it before falling asleep. I must have fallen asleep, while doing so and then held on to it tightly throughout the whole night. Luckily, I didn’t crumble it. I’d hate to destroy it since it’s all I had of Emma for the past 5 years and it didn’t break.

Looking at that picture of her before falling asleep is almost as calming as holding her in my arms, knowing she’ll be the first thing I see in the morning. We might have never lived together – I did choose a house for us to live in with the young lad. But we never got to live there together because of the whole being-a-Dark-One thing and my death.

I do know this from nights she spent with me at Granny’s or later on my ship though.

It also reminds me of the time in Camelot. She was the Dark One and didn’t need any sleep, but often she’d still snuggle close to me, so that I could hold her throughout the night.

All those nights I slept more peaceful than ever before. Because I had my Swan in my arms, but now I don’t anymore. I haven’t gotten to sleep next to her in five years and I’ll never get to do it again.

So, on some days looking at a picture of Emma is all that can get me to calm down enough to fall asleep.

And I suppose it’s all I have of her now, even though I’m back in Storybrooke. I still lost her. I’m not an important part of her life anymore. Now I’m just someone she used to know.

Sure, she’s probably going to be happy I’m back in some way, if she ever finds out. She’ll want for us to be friends, but I don’t know if I can do that. It’ll hurt so much knowing, that she’ll never love me again like I love her. I don’t think I’m capable of just being her friend.

But if this is the only way I can be in her life, then I should take it, right? I don’t really want to miss her anymore like I did in the Underworld. Being apart is just too much to take.

I really am back from the dead, right? It wasn’t just a dream – or a nightmare to be exact since I lost my love once again? I didn’t imagine all that happened yesterday, did I?

I get out of bed and climb onto the deck. The sun is shining brightly, and the waves are crashing against the Jolly Rodger. The light is natural and not all red, so yeah, I am back in Storybrooke. For a moment I was hoping it might be a nightmare. It would’ve probably been good for my ego because then I could just pretend, that Emma never fell in love with someone else after my death – that for her the last five years felt like they did for me – full of misery and sadness.

Thinking that way is selfish and wrong though. It’s actually completely ironic too since I did wish all those years, that she was somehow still happy, even if she lost me.

I go back below deck, not being able to handle the joyful weather any longer. It doesn’t match my mood at all. Yesterday it would’ve for a small amount of time – the moment I first got back and realized, that I was going to see Emma again. I did see her, but we didn’t quite have the amazing reunion I had in mind, which shouldn’t surprise me. When it comes to Emma and me, nothing ever really goes as planned. We always had to fight for our relationship, and now I suppose we lost that fight.

I sigh. Thinking about Emma is so hard now. It splits my soul into two because I do love her a lot, but unfortunately that doesn’t help me right now. I still lost her, even though I came back to her.

Every single instinct in my body right now is telling me to just go to her and to fight for her. I won her heart one time before, and I know I can do it again.

But I know I shouldn’t do this.

She seemed happy with that guy and I don’t want to take that away from her. I don’t want to cause her any kind of pain. She’s been through enough, so I should just leave Storybrooke and never come back. She wouldn’t know that I was ever here and Granny and Ruby would probably just assume, that they are insane. They’d just think, that they’ve seen a ghost.

That way Emma can just simply live her life – a peaceful one without any kind of difficulties.

Suddenly I hear some sounds and steps. Someone is definitely on my ship, walking on my ships deck. Who the bloody hell would dare step foot on my ship without an invitation?

Please tell me, that I don’t have to fight someone for my ship – that it is still mine and wasn’t stolen from me during my visit in the Underworld.

I’m not really in the mood for a fight right now, but I must say, that I will do whatever it takes to defend my ship. The Jolly Rodger kind of is the only thing I have left in Storybrooke, now that Emma is gone from my life. I couldn’t bear to lose her, too.

In the past my ship was my home – and also a reminder of Liam and Milah. But then I met Emma and she became my home in a way. That’s why I had no problem to sacrifice my ship for her – the possibility of seeing her again being greater than living on my ship.

That’s why the Jolly Rodger is now also a reminder of my Swan – a happy one of the time we were still together. Being here just sends me back in time – much like our time travel adventure quite a few years ago.

As I step foot onto the deck of my beloved ship, I pull out a sword, which is hanging from the top of the stairs. I keep it there as a secret weapon in case of a surprise intruder.

I look around before my eyes eventually land on someone. He stands close to the railing and watches the waves as they crash against my ship.

I step closer. The intruder not even realizes, that I stepped foot on the deck. I know my way around my ship. I know where to walk, so that there are no noises.

Or maybe I do am a ghost and Granny and Ruby seeing me was a delusion of mine. I might have gone mad in the past five years, which I spent in hell – literally, even though any place without my Swan could qualify as hell.

“Who bloody dares to step foot onto my ship without my permission?” I yell angrily, pointing the sword towards the intruder and putting the tip of it on his back.

He freezes for a second and shakes his head slightly, before lifting up his arms and turning around quickly. His eyes grow larger by the second.

“H-Hook?” He asks in disbelieve.

I instantly let the sword fall to the floor at the sight of Henry.

[theauthorunicorn]

Inevitable -  Part 9  | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Summary: Reader is an actress and was about to attend her boyfriend’s concert, Shawn’s when she met her inevitable fate.

Missed anything? Read Inevitable Series below;

Inevitable | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable - Part 2 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable - Part 3 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable - Part 4 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable -  Part 5 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable -  Part 6 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable -  Part 7 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

Inevitable -  Part 8 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

** Italics serves as flashback/memory.

Shawn

I found myself staring at door as my back pressed against the wall with my arms crossed in my chest. Mr. Y/L/N is pacing back and forth in the hallway while Mrs. Y/L/N was across to me leaning her head against the wall, a foot away from Y/N's door frame. The curtains in her room covered the window. No one is crying, now. I guess we've lost a lot of tears for her. Or we're just strong enough to know that shedding tears can't help her situation.

We haven't spoke a word since we are pulled away from her room. The silence can make anyone insane, thanks to Mr. Y/L/N thudding steps against the floor it keeps me sane till this moment.

I met Y/N three years ago in Japan, we had the same hotel when we stayed there. I was on tour and she was promoting her movie at that time. I knew her, I watched her movies and the television series she starred. I almost met her personally at one of the music award event where I am invited and luckily nominated. She presented an award at that time. She's so beautiful and the way she smiles can make you smile too. We had some mutual friends and they told me stories about her and almost spilled to them that I adored her and how much I wanted to talk and meet her personally. But, I hold back.

I knew she was in Japan at that time through her Instagram post, she took lovely photos that made me think that if she's not an actress she's probably a professional photographer. Her photos had stories. Most of time she posted pictures without her presence in it but when she's there it made the picture more dazzling and brighter. She's like a star in a blanket of darkness.

I followed her through her social accounts and liked a few photos of hers. It took weeks before she followed me.

I thought she was staying somewhere else, she haven't posted anything about her arrival in Japan except for one where her hands was out of the window car in the streets of Tokyo like it's breathing and embracing the enticing symmetry of the city. There's no caption scribbled in her post but the story whispered in my ears. We're in the same country and Japan is too small for me not to meet her.

I was in the lobby of the hotel waiting for my friends as we planned to walk around the city, it's noon and the only free time we had before preparing for the concert which takes place tomorrow night. I was in my phone scrolling over Instagram when a couple of bellman rushed in the hotel doors. I glanced at the door following there steps. I saw two familiar actors entering the hotel lobby as they stopped as if they're waiting for someone. I watched them closely because they acquainted someone I knew. I am in the couch with my back laying lazily in it as my legs crossed to each other and cutting my nails with my teeth.

A familiar figure stepped on the door and my heart started to beat abnormally.

"Y/N!" the male actor who I wished to remember his name called her but seeing her at the hotel where I am staying made me loose my sanity.

She sighed cutely as she tucked the man's arms tightly, she said loudly, "I slept in the car." they started laughing as the other man whispered something to her, it's inaudible in my position but probably he told her that's she was too loud. She immediately removed the earphones in her ears as she said, "I'm very sorry." she said repeatedly as she looked in every direction she thought was offended by her loud voice. She faced me and stared at me for a couple of seconds before mouthing 'I'm sorry' I smiled at her as I tried to type something useless in my phone instantly, implying that I was distracted by her loud voice and not making myself too obvious that her presence made this country even more exquisite.

They checked for like five minutes at the reception area and I glanced occasional times to them with their backs against to me. She leaned at the table revealing a side view of her face, smiling at her comrades. At that time, I decided not to look away from her.

The bellman started pushing their bags towards the elevator, they did too. She flipped her hair at the back of her shoulders and tucked the remaining strands over her left ear. She paused for a while placing her earphones and her phone in her backpack and looked at me, she smiled warmly as she said "Hi." with her hands waving at my direction. I smiled and waved back at her to acknowledge her sweet gesture and in that moment I completely loose my sanity over that smile.

In the later time of that day, I decided to see what's in the hotel buffet. I am too exhausted that my stomach began to growl.

I made my way down in the elevator, it's past dinner so I suppose no one will be there. I guess I'm right.

Three people was in the area, dining silently. I made my way to the area where they serve pastries, I grabbed a blueberry muffin to fill my hunger. When a woman's voice spoke my name behind my back, "Shawn Mendes, right?" with doubts as she spoke, leaving an eerie space between Shawn and Mendes. I slowly turned my back to see her, it was Y/N. I furrowed my brow at confusion. If this is a daydream or a nightmare but I wanted this to be real.

She cuts me with my dream as she spoke, "Oh, gods, thank god, I'm right." she spoke with much delight placing her hand in her chest as she inhaled deeply. "I'm Y/N, I saw you earlier at the lobby. Huge fan of your music." she said smiling.

I starred at her for minute. If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up, "Hey, Shawn are you there? Am I bothering you? If I do, I can, -" she said.

"No, no, no, no." I repeated consciously, "Hey." I smiled.

"All I got is a hey after my long introduction?" she joked.

I smirked as I looked at the floor, "It's unbelievable seeing you here."

"I was about to head out to stroll around the city," she inhaled, "but, I am hungry and I saw their luscious buffet and I just can't walk away from it." she explained she's a talker and I can listen to her all the day.

"Do you think it's okay if I can join you? I don't feel comfortable eating alone." she said as she waited for my response.

"Um, yeah, sure." I told her.

"Yeah, thanks, let me just grab a," she paused a moment, "croissant I hope it's good." she grabbed it as she looked at me. "Wait, do you mind holding my camera for a while." I nodded as she handed her camera to me. "Thanks." she puts a massive amount of butter over it and I chuckled.

"Do you like butter?" I asked her.

She nodded and accidentally touched my hand as she get her camera back.

"Thank you," she bowed, "So where do you want to sit?"

"Anywhere your comfortable, Y/N." She pointed at our left, it was a table with two chairs across to each other and a place intended for two person with deep talks.

I followed her footsteps to our place as I spoke to continue our conversation, "So, you really like photography, eh?"

"Yes, I do. Because through this," she waves her camera, "I can show to others how I see the word with my own perspective." she spilled as she took the chair to my right at the table. I regretted for not pulling off the chair for her. She settled her camera at her left. I managed to sit across her without fainting because if I can, I will, but I want to savor this moment.

"So you're here for a concert?" she asked as she cuts her croissant with such a delicate table manners and let's not neglect the fact that she knew I was her for a concert.

"Yes, this is my second stop here in Asia." I said as I watched her eat her croissant and she nodded slowly. "You're here for the premiere of your movie, right?"

"Mmm," she mumbled. She's not talking but I can see in her eyes as words that can build beautiful poetry, the way her hair fell apart from her messy bun is so distracting and those smile, those smile, it was exceptional, I wonder what the world had done to earn it.

She talked a lot and I am glad listening to it. She's a talker, I hardly inserted my thoughts with her because she kept throwing hers. I was whirlwind by words she uttered, she told me how she likes photography, how she loved reading books that she collected vast of those. She also inserted why she fell asleep in the car earlier because the plane ride was too bumpy and she didn't get enough sleep. I smiled at her for the whole time we're eating, she asked me several questions about my life, my career, about music.

We stood from where are eating forty-five minutes later. She grabbed her camera through the tripod attached to her camera.

"Uhm," I mumbled, struggling of which words should be in my next sentence, "I can invite you to my concert tomorrow night. I can give you a pass. For free. If you want to watch it." I said smiling, calmly, though my heart is pounding to an utter disaster and my lungs doing it's best to sustain my breathing.

"Oh, that's very sweet, Shawn." she said happily as she tucked my arms. I can say now that she's the type of girl who loves to talk and clings a lot and I am not complaining. "But, I'm very sorry to decline it." she said frowning, "the premiere will be tomorrow night and I can't go to your event." I nodded, as I took a deep breath. She pouted her lips and continued speaking, "I really want to go at your concert, specially, it's free but I just can't at this time."

"It's okay, don't feel bad about it. You can still get that free ticket of yours anytime you want." I assured her.

"Really?" her mood cheered up, like it's something that can make her really happy, "Can I have your phone?" she asked as her phone was faced to mine, unlocked, I hesitated for a moment as I gather my sanity about what’s happening this evening. I immediately pulled mine behind my back and gave it to her. "Let's exchange numbers, I just wanted to have free concert tickets. For the future." she looked so bubbly as she started scribbling her number in my phone and so I did. She held my phone mid air and smiled at my camera. "That's it." she handed my phone back at me. We walked a few feet to the lobby where our ties end. She'll roam around the city and I need to go back in my room to rest. She said her goodbye as her camera faced against mine, we're now few meters away from each other she smiled waving her hands.

"Thank you accompanying me tonight, Shawn." she said.

"It's my pleasure, Y/N." I told her. "Are you really sure, you'll be okay? It's ten passed eleven?" I inquired, worrying about her wild spirit.

"I'll be."

"Can you text me if you're here, I mean, after you stroll around the city? I'll feel responsible if anything bad happens to you." I requested, but regretted immediately, knowing I sounded like a worried boyfriend.

"You talk like a boyfriend," she laughed loudly, "but, yes, I'll text you, Mr. Shawn Mendes." she said as her back turned to face me. She exited the door and I still stood in the lobby wanting to follow her steps.

The next morning I was awakened by Andrew standing at the end of my bed.

"Good morning, Shawn." he greeted but not earning my reply as I checked my phone. I fell asleep waiting for her text if she arrived safely back at the hotel. I saw her message immediately, saying,

'Streets of Tokyo is so beautiful at night, I enjoyed a lot. I was saying this to make you feel bad that you didn't give time to walk around this beautiful city. Anyways, I arrived at the hotel safely. No need to worry.'

"So, you spent your night with Y/N? How was it?" he inquired.

"What are you talking about?" I answered him with a tune saying I-still-want-to-sleep-stop-talking-to-me voice.

He's scrolling in his phone finding something as I read my sister text saying, 'Are you staying in the same hotel with Y/N? Did you talked?? Oh my god Shawn answer me as soon as you read this message.' I started to frown, confused, where did Aaliyah knew I met her.

Andrew spoke earning my full attention, "Everybody in Instagram and Twitter is freaking out because of this," he faced his phone to me and I leaned upward to see it closely.

It was me, a picture of me, in the lobby. In a black and white portrait, smiling. Y/N posted it in her Instagram account with the caption, 'Japan. Hotel lobby. Featuring @ShawnMendes'

"Would you mind sharing your experience last night?" Andrew made his introduction as he was about to interrogate me what had happened last night.

"She'll be better. Let's hope she'll be better." Dr. Sara spoke as I glanced at her from the stalls where I am standing across Y/N's room.

Reader

It was an ordinary day ‘til it hit me people can die at ordinary day. But, today is not that day for me.

Inevitable -  Part 10 | Shawn Mendes x Reader

[eurusholmmes]

angel || p.d.

Requested by @valeriariosarevalo

Prompt:  Hi!!! I saw that your request are open. Could you do a one-shot/ imagine with Poe in the last Jedi where reader is Leia’s daughter and they’re married and the reader is pregnant and Poe is just really overprotective of her. Thanks?

The only thing I changed about this fic was that it’s not taking place in the Last Jedi. I can’t write fics for this movie yet because I don’t have a solid grasp on the plot, and not everyone has seen it. Come Wednesday, I will begin writing TLJ fics for you guys. 

I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH THIS SO BEWARE IT IS INSANELY LONG 

I was SO tempted to turn this into a Christmas oneshot.. but why not just go for a crap ton of fluff. I hope you guys enjoy! This is mainly composed of snippets: Ex - First meeting, first date, proposal, marriage.. pregnancy. well, you’ll see. 

REMEMBER: Feedback is critical to keep writers writing. Please.. tell me something. Anything goes! I promise I don’t bite! 

 Age 6

Night had long since fallen upon the Resistance base, and from where you slept in the quarters you shared with your family tightly nestled under a pile of blankets, you slept on. It had been a long day of training with your mother on the schematics of TIE fighters and other cruisers, and as soon as your father had ushered you to bed, you were out like a light. 

Your older brother Ben crept along the labyrinth of hallways that lead to the Solo-Organa Quarters. Most of the crew members of the Resistance base were fast asleep in preparations for early shifts, while his mother and uncle were reuniting for the first time since Luke had taken him away for his training to be a Jedi. He was anxious to see his baby sister, but the moment he saw the familiar raven curls of young Poe Dameron, he knew that you’d be more eager to see the son of Kes Dameron then himself. 

  “Y/n!” He hissed, peering through the door of the familiar quarters to see you tightly nestled into a pile of blankets on the bottom bunk, surrounded by stuffed Wookies and even a makeshift Yoda that Luke had given to you upon your birth. “Force, y/n.. Wake up!” 

You shrieked as the pile of blankets was ripped away from you, slowly opening your eyes and grinning widely at the familiar form of your older brother. “Ben!” You cried, extending your arms in greeting to the eldest Solo child as he took you into his embrace. “That was a mean way to wake me up..” 

  “Well, I thought you’d be interested in knowing that Uncle Luke and I just returned home from the Temple.” He whispered in your ear as he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist, sighing as you buried your face in the crook of his neck. The love you felt for him was a constant in his life - A reassurance that someone out there still cared for him. “And when we landed, I may or may not have seen Poe.” 

You wrenched yourself out of his grasps and sprinted through the base without a second thought as to how you were most likely going to be punished for getting out of bed, but you didn’t care. As long as you got to see your best friend. 

It was Ben’s fault for waking you up anyway.

That day also happened to be the same day where Poe had given you an official nickname. Angel. Whether or not it was because you were pretty or you were in fact Poe Damerons guardian angel, you weren’t sure. 

He’d tell you at some point, right? 

Age 16

  “How am I supposed to just ask her?” Poe wailed dramatically, burying his face in his hands as Leia Organa quietly ate across from him. It was nearing the end of the lunch rounds in the mess-hall, and you had yet to return from your afternoon meditation in what you liked to call The Jedi Temple My Brother Didn’t Burn To The Ground. “This is way too hard!” 

  “Poe, honey.. You have got to take a chill pill.” Leia coaxed. She knew you as well as she had known Ben, both before and after he had turned, and somewhere deep in her heart Leia knew that you would say yes to his inquiry of a date without a second thought. “You two have been best friends for years. I’ve known for a long time that you love her-” 

The statement made him blanch, and Leia couldn’t help but laugh as she stared at the wide eyed, flabbergasted teenage boy. “Love?!” He hissed, almost as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear him. “What-” 

  “Call it a mother’s intuition, dear one.” 

Poe ran a shaking hand through his hair as you finally emerged through the mess-hall doors, a sheen of sweat covering your forehead and your lightsaber clipped to your tunic as you snatched the bag that your mother always set by the door for when you were late. “Thank my lucky stars, Poe!” You exclaimed, grinning widely when he flashed you that signature smile that never failed to make your heart flutter. With his olive skin and stunning eyes that always seemed to be adoring you from afar, you would’ve been lying if you said you hadn’t developed feelings for your best friend. “Do you wanna see what I was doing during all that time I hid from you?” 

He quirked an eyebrow as you took a seat across from him, completely oblivious to the fact that Leia had somehow managed to leave before you had noticed her presence. “I don’t know.” He drawled, smirking as you ripped open the paper bag to reveal her infamous casserole and brownies she always made as a job well done for your success in training with the Force. By yourself. “I always had this suspicion you were off hanging with someone better looking then myself-” 

  “Sunshine,” You interjected, outstretching a hand before you could control yourself to play with the ends of his curls. Poe felt his breathing hitch in his chest as the laughter died between the two of you, your fingers grazing the side of his face as he found himself visibly frozen by your touch. “There’s no one better looking then you.” 

Leave it to him to be completely tongue-tied in front of the Generals daughter. 

  “Will you go out with me, Angel?” 

Needless to say that you ended the day safely tucked in Poe’s X-Wing, his arms loosely wrapped around your waist and face buried in your hair as you were lost amidst a sea of stars. 

Age 20 

Proposing. It can’t be that hard.. can it? Concoct some sentimental, romantic speech amidst a beautiful setting, kneel on one knee, present a ring. Boom. It was that easy. 

So why was Poe in the midst of nearly giving himself a coronary over the thought of proposing to you? He was Poe Dameron, the best pilot in the Resistance, and the 4 years running boyfriend of Y/n Organa - The Generals second in command and one of three living Jedi in the entire galaxy. 

Force.. He had a serious expectation to live up to. You weren’t just some girl who had crossed his path and only slept with him for sex.. You were y/n. His angel, and the woman he loved more then anything in the entire galaxy. 

Lucky enough for him, the base they’d moved to upon her twentieth birthday had just received its first new fallen snow in the time they had been there. It just so happened that Winter was your favorite season, and you nearly went giddy with excitement every single time you came face to face with land blanketed by it.

So of course, he enlisted the help of his most trusted friends from the Black Squadron and set to work on winning your heart with the sappiest proposal ever. 

By the time you had emerged from your new training room with Jessika Pava, you were soaked in sweat and grinning so widely she was sure that your face would remain that way. “If I didn’t know any better, I would have assumed that you just got the best lay of your-” 

  “Jessika.” You groaned out of annoyance, completely missing her victory dance as you trudged through the hangar to the halls that interconnected the living quarters. “I’m going to sleep!! Goodnight you-” 

  “NO!” You gasped as she lunged at you from behind and knocked your lightsaber completely from your grasps, simultaneously knocking the air from your lungs as you collided with the cold floors. “No-I mean, you can’t! You still owe me that drink from Christmas, remember?! When I said that Poe wouldn’t make out with you in front of the entire-” 

  “In front of the entire base, and he did?” You questioned, gasping as she pried herself away from you and dusted off her Resistance uniform. “My mother had a fit when I got home that night. Said it was unlady like to make out with your boyfriend in front of all his friends.” 

  “Didn’t she do that with your father a billion times? In front of your Uncle and the Republic’s highest ranking officers?” Your face slowly broke into a vicious grin as you remembered the story that your father Han had finally told you on your sixteenth birthday. You would never forget how hard the two of you had laughed on the couch that night, how it had finally pulled you both out of your grief over losing Ben and Luke. 

  “Only a billion times. Maybe that’s why my uncle went into hiding and inevitably became a hermit.” You jabbed your thumb into the keypad and gaped at the sight that greeted you in your apartment - or more particularly, the steaming shower and new outfit that hung on the door. “What is this?” 

  “You’ve got an hour to get ready, Organa! Meet me out here when you’re done!” 

After an hour of painstaking work to make yourself look presentable, you slipped on your knee high winter boots despite your confusion and took one last glance in the mirror. If this was Poe’s inconspicuous way of getting you ready for a date, then you had to accompany it by wearing the only lipstick you’d ever seen make a mans knees go weak. 

   “Jess? Do I get my re-” You huffed a sigh of annoyance at the sight of an empty hallway before your eyes fell on a notecard that had fluttered to the floor upon you opening the door to your quarters. Just as you had suspected, your name was legibly scrawled in what could’ve only been Poes immaculate handwriting. “Oh Dameron.. what have you got planned for me today?” 

Dearest Y/n... 

What was that favorite poem you used to read to me about two people who fell in love? I think it went a little something like this... 

“Two things I’ll forever be sure of. The sun will always fall for the moon, and I will always fall for you.” 

Follow the rose petals to the front door of the base, angel. Then meet me outside for the time of your life. 

Yours, 

Poe

After a trail of rose petals and grinning pilots, you found yourself just outside the front door of the base, gazing upon the winter in all its majesty. Your y/e/c softened at the contrast between the evergreens that made up the forest around you against the snow, shivering beneath your sweater and scarf as you trekked through in hopes of finding your boyfriend. 

  “There she is!” Poe cried, sprinting towards you with BB8 on his heels; The droid seemed less then pleased that he was having to roll through snow just to appease to his makers wishes. “You look.. Wow. I sure do pick ‘em.” Grinning widely, you lightly kissed his lips before turning to gaze at the frozen lake behind you. 

  “This place is beautiful.” You whispered, hands resting on his neck as the two of you intently stared into one anothers eyes. “Why have I never been here before?” 

Poe inhaled deeply and pried himself away from the familiarity of your body, his trembling hands reaching into his pocket where he’d tucked the velvet box away earlier that morning. “Because it’s never been important until now, y/n.” He replied, grinning as he knelt to one knee and opened it to you. It was a simple yet stunning band, with a sapphire neatly tucked in the center and two diamonds parallel to either side of the gem. “I’ve been thinking about how to do this for months but I was so kriffing afraid-” 

You couldn’t help the tears falling down your face  at the sight of him. Poe Dameron - Your best friend, your rock, the love of your life kneeling in the snow despite how cold it was; The tip of his nose reddened by the blistering wind, and all for a proposal. “Poe-” 

  ‘’But then I said to myself, who cares? Y/n isn’t fond of big romantic acts, so I’ll settle for being me.” He lifted his eyes to gaze upon your face; Your y/e/c staring so deeply back into his own, hand plastered over your mouth to silence your sobs as you waited for him to continue. “We’ve been best friends since we were kids, and it wasn’t until we were 16 that I finally realized how head over heels I was in love with you. Stubborn, hard headed, grieving y/n Organa who came to me in her most trialing times, and I to her upon the loss of my parents. I knew from the minute you said yes to our first date and how fascinated you were by the stars that I was gonna marry you. My angel..” Poe swept his hand over his face to wipe away the wetness gathering on his cheekbones, cursing under his breath as he saw Leia and Jessika duck behind the nearest tree, camera poised in hand. “I adore you. I adore all of you.. I love you, I am loving you until the day I say farewell or death takes me first. Every inch, every broken piece of your being is craving to be loved... and there’s nothing else I’d rather do for the rest of my life then make you the happiest woman in the galaxy. Y/n Solo-Organa, will you marry me?” 

  “Yes.” 

Age 22

Unfortunately, the impending war against the First Order kept you from having the wedding that both you and Poe wanted, but you didn’t care. With your mother as your witness, you and Poe Dameron were married within the week of Star Killer Base being destroyed, and life was good. It was peaceful.

It got even better when you found yourself staring at the II signs of your third pregnancy test. Rey had gone off to rescue Luke from the island, you had only just returned from battling your brother alongside the scavenger, and you were exhausted. 

But the sight of those two lines, the confirmation that you were indeed carrying Poe Damerons baby, turned your exhaustion into this exhilarating feeling that coursed through your veins until you were sprinting through the base, crying out “Sorry!” every time you nearly crashed into another pilot or staff member.

As your feet skidded to a stop in the back of the hangar, you were greeted with the sight of your husband on his X-Wing performing maintenance work after his latest mission. “Poe!” 

BB8 extended his only appendage in his wiring that worked as an arm, pricking his masters skin with an electrical shock to pull him from his trance, followed by a slew of irritable beeps. “Geez!” Poe cried out, lightly smacking the droid as he tightened his grip on the wing. “BB8, can you-” His eyes fell upon you directly beneath him, eagerly rocking on the balls of your feet as you waved the white stick upwards. “Are you-” 

  “This is my third one, and all three are positive!” 

He jumped down from the ship without a second thought, joyous laughter breaking past his lips as you jumped into his arms and hooked your legs around his waist. Rumors had been circulating around the base that you were anticipating the results of a pregnancy test, thus putting you under strict orders from your mother that you were not to do anything until you had a confirmation. 

  “We-We’re gonna be parents!” Poe cried out, setting you back on the ground and peppering your face with kisses as other pilots awkwardly swerved around you. “Hey-Guess what?” You grinned widely as you clung to his arm, taking note of the pride in his expression as he flaunted his new found fatherhood to his subordinates. “I’m gonna be a dad!” 

  “The best freakin’ pilot dad the Resistance has ever seen!” 

Poes head snapped over to you as his hand subconsciously shifted to your waist, forehead pressing against your own as you tangled your fingers in his hair. “You’re going to be the sexiest Jedi Mama in the galaxy, angel.” He whispered, grinning widely as your eyes lit up at the nickname. 

  “I’m gonna hold you to that.” 

  “You better.” 

Age 23 

And now here you were, less then two months away from the birth of your daughter, and Poe was being more irritating then usual. Despite his reluctance to allow you to collect data on the First Order and manipulate the Force Bond that had been created between you and your brother, you were insistent on doing something other then lounging around all day. 

  “No!” You snapped angrily, storming out of your quarters as fast as you possibly could and down the hall to the control room where you were sure your mother was waiting for your answer to her inquiry. “I can at least gather data and talk to Kylo, Poe! You don’t.. You don’t know my brother like I do. There is still good in him!” 

  “He’s a snake! A First Order snake with no good intentions other then saving his own skin!” Poe cast an exasperated glance at Leia as you moved past the other pilots and sat down in her chair, leaning your head backward for her to run her fingers through your hair. “Leia, can you give me a hand here? Your daughter won’t listen to me!” 

  “She’s got her fathers stubbornness, Dameron. I warned you about this years ago.” Leia winked at your husband before bending her head downward to softly brush her lips against your forehead, sending a wave of ease through your aching body. “Go easy on him y/n.. Your hormones are raging and all he wants to do is keep you safe.” 

You exhaled deeply and tilted your head back up to meet the concerned gaze of the man you loved, who then took it upon himself to part your knees and kneel between them. He placed his calloused hands over the growing swell of your stomach before resting his forehead against your baby’s home. “You know all I want to do is keep my girls safe. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.” You tucked a stray curl behind his ear as he brought his gaze up to meet your own; Y/e/c shining with an unspoken adoration and deeply rooted love for the man you had known your entire life. “Just.. for my sanity, stay near your mother, okay? Be careful when talking to Kylo. He may be Astrids uncle, but we’re not letting him near her until we are sure-” 

You pressed your fingers against his lips as the smile died on your face. “You’ve got a galaxy to save, Dameron.” You chided, softly kissing the corner of his mouth. “And just so you know, we’re not naming her Astrid. That’s almost like naming your child after a pet Bantha.” 

Poe turned around to gaze at your form as pilots rushed past him to return to their stations, but he didn’t dare move a muscle as he drank you in. Y/n Organa Dameron - His best friend, the mother to his child, the only woman he loved. His angel. You were the most beautiful creation in the galaxy, and he made sure that you knew it every single time he looked at you like nothing else in that moment mattered.

To say you were stunned at his next statement would’ve made you seem like a total sap. “What about Padme?” 

You ran your hands over your stomach as you were greeted with a memory - A single picture of a field on Naboo that your mother had shown you so long ago; Where two men and a woman had spent a final summer together before the darkness broke them apart. Anakin Skywalker, Padme Amidala, and Obi Wan Kenobi. 

The damned, the brave, and the honorable. It would be a shame not to follow the legacy of the foundation that started your family. 

  “Padme it is.” 

[pcyxiukai]

Allegiance (9)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 Part 16 | Part 17

Description: “I’m glad you’re up. Pack a bag, we leave at nine tonight.”

Notes for update: Reuploaded series, not required

Warning: Smut

Pairing: Byun Baekhyun x Reader

Mobile Masterlist | Twitter

When I woke up, Baekhyun was back at his desk. He was typing on his laptop and when he heard me moving, he looked back at me. He stood, leaving his desk. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt.

Sure, we’d had sex a lot of times - more than I could count, but last night was different. It was like it was the first time all over again. He leaned forward and kissed me softly.

“I’m glad you’re up.” He hummed. “Pack a bag, we leave at nine tonight.”

“What?” I frowned at him and he chuckled.

“I told you we’d go on a trip. We’re getting out of here for a month.” He brushed my hair behind my ear, a sweet smile gracing his features. It was moments like this that I found him completely beautiful. There was no other way to describe him other than ethereal.

“Where are we going?” I asked, confused as I sat up, holding the sheet over my chest. He went to his dresser and grabbed a shirt and tossed it to me. I slid it over my head.

“We’re going to Greece for a month.” He grinned. “I have the whole trip planned. And...when we get back, we should move your stuff in here.” I just looked at him for a second, half expecting him to take it back.

“A month?” I widened my eyes and he nodded excitedly.

“Mhm…” He hummed, crawling back onto the bed with me and pulling me close to him. “We’ll explore Greece. I managed to have them close of a beach for a couple weeks...it’s all ours. Just us.” His fingers trailed softly against my skin, earning a hum of approval for me.

“Baek,” I gasped. “You’re absolutely insane. What made you do this so suddenly?”

“I just realized how much I needed to be alone with you. We both need to get away.” He replied. “Will you just...do one thing for me?” His fingers were now on my hips.

“Anything for you.” I told him, finding comfort in his tight grip on me.

“I...bought you something a little while ago and I want you to pack it with your things. You don’t have to do anything with it if you don’t want to, but bring it just in case. It’s with your things.” He stole a quick kiss before he stood to go back to his desk. “Now go pack.”

His hand quickly slapped against my ass playfully as I walked towards the door. I blushed and he laughed at me before taking his bottom lip in between his teeth. I wanted to kiss him. Every time he bit his lip or did anything really, I wanted to kiss him. It wasn’t my fault that he tasted like mint and his lips were soft and kissable.

I left the room before I even thought about escalating things - I had a lot to pack. The trip was a whole month. There was no way I could pack correctly. The bag on my bed was a pretty, pastel pink. His words had intimidated me to where I almost didn’t want to look inside. What was in it?

I finally worked up the courage to look in the bag, the breath leaving my body as I was relieved to find something that wasn’t bad at all - a matching lingerie set. The lace was soft and I wondered when I would wear this. It was a dark red color. I took it out of the bag and a note fell from it.

There’s a box under the bed.

- Baekhyun

I sighed, getting down on the floor to grab the box. I set it on my bed and I audibly gasped when I opened it. Never would I have thought Baekhyun would bring these things up. Among the things was a vibrator, handcuffs, even zip ties. I clenched my legs together at the thought of any of these coming into play with Baek and I.

He knocked on my door, making me close the box quickly despite the fact that he knew I’d found it. He wouldn’t have knocked otherwise.

“Do you need any help packing, love?”

The airport was surprisingly not busy at all. We arrived there at eight, preparing for our flight with our passports. His fingers were intertwined with mine as long as he could have it that way. Boarding the plane was nerve wracking for me, I’d never been on a plane in my life.

“You okay?” He asked when we took our seats. “You look scared.”

“I am scared.” I pouted at him. “I’ve never been on a plane before.” His jaw dropped and he tightened his grip on my hand.

“But you’re - I can’t - you didn’t tell me.” It was his turn to pout.

I laughed at him and shook my head, not believing this was the same guy that told me to pack a vibrator for our vacation. I leaned my head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me.

“It’s only...twelve hours.” He chuckled.

“If I die, I’m blaming you.” I scoffed, shaking my head.

After a couple hours, I’d fallen asleep on Baekhyun’s shoulder. I managed to sleep for the rest of the flight. I woke up when we were landing, and I saw that Baek had fallen asleep as well. He looked so peaceful. I felt bad that I had to wake him up, but it was surprisingly easy to do so. He opened one eye to look at me, a slight hum escaping his throat.

It didn’t take that long for us to get off the plane. It was 2 AM where we landed, in Chios, the fifth largest island of Greece. The beach he’d closed off was called Lithi. It was beautiful, the water was a pure blue color and the place we were staying in was like a cabin. It was a little bigger than that, but it was close to the water. It was 3 AM when we arrived at the beach.

We didn’t even spend any time unpacking, we put our stuff down and he was already pulling me close to him. He flipped the light switch, brightness flooding through the room. The walls were made of smooth, brown wood that gave it a nice feel. He looked at me, holding me close and smiling.

“What do you think?” He asked. His hands played with the fabric of my shirt.

“I think we’re going to have a lot of fun here.” I grinned at him. He leaned forward and kissed me.

“Are you tired?”

“No.” I responded.

“Good.” He moved his hands down to grip my ass. “Did you bring what I asked you to?” A chill went down my spine at the mention of them. His eyes stared into mine.

I nodded timidly, seeing the smirk pull at his lips.

“I’m going to go grab something else, get your things and meet me in the bedroom, yeah?” Wetness had already begun seeping from my core at the thought of what was about to happen. As he turned away I quickly went to my bags to grab the box (yes, I left it in the box) and I almost struggled finding the bedroom - almost. I sat on the bed and put the box on my lap, anxiously waiting for Baekhyun.

I was curious about how he would use these objects. The handcuffs were obvious and the vibrator was also self-explanatory, but Baekhyun had proven time and time again that he was a tease. The door opened and I was jolted out of my thoughts.

“Stand up.” He commanded. When I listened he continued. “Strip.” I stared at him with wide eyes for a second before I saw the dominating glare in his eyes. To avoid punishment, I quickly shed my clothing, standing completely bare in front of him.

He walked towards me slowly. His hand slid down my waist to my thigh before tracing over my core with his fingers. My breath hitched, trying to stop my hips from moving. I heard a low chuckle escape his mouth.

“Princess, you’re not wet enough for me. Get back on the bed, legs open.” He moved his hand from my core and I listened, hoping that he’d do something to pleasure me soon. There was no way that I wasn’t wet enough - I would know, but he needed a reason to tease me.

He pulled his shirt over his head, walking to the edge of the bed to get a good view of my core. He crawled towards me, lowering his head so he was close to me. He blew cold air at my clit and I squirmed under the feeling, unable to sit still.

“Baby, do you trust me?” He hummed. I wanted him to do something, he was too close not to.

“Yes.” I told him without hesitation.

“I want you to open that box. I want you to put on the blindfold in there, okay?” His voice was slow, laced with seduction and I listened, grabbing the fabric out of the box and tying it around my eyes, complete darkness taking me over.

His hands rubbed against my thighs and he kissed my clit, a gasp escaping my throat. It had been clear in the past that Baekhyun was not one to give oral. It excited me more than it should’ve. The bed shifted as he reached into the box himself. My stomach twisted, unsure of what he had grabbed.

“Keep those hands up or I’ll handcuff you.” He growled and my hands instantly shot above my head. He patted my thigh. “Good girl.” His fingers began to rub against my clit softly. It was contrary to the dominance in his previous action, but I tried to grind my hips up for more pressure.

I tensed when I heard the sound of powerful vibrating echoing through the silent room. He slid the tip of the vibrator up my entrance, another gasp escaping my throat as I bucked my hips up. He chuckled before he slid the tip inside me. The vibrating was making me squirm.

“You’re so needy.” He hummed, pushing it in further. “Fuck, you’re taking it so well.” His eyes were glued to my core as he pushed it in all the way, a loud moan ripping from my throat when he turned the power up. He began to thrust it in and out of me slowly, watching as my wetness collected on it.

When his lips attached to my clit, I couldn’t help but tangle my fingers in his hair. That elicited a growl from his throat as he moved away from me, taking the vibrator with him. I whined loudly, bucking my hips up.

“You bad girl.” He hissed. “What did I tell you?”

I didn’t say anything, I whined and threw my head against the pillows.

“Answer me. I’ll punish you if you don’t. What did I say?” His voice was low. He was angry, I knew he was.

“Y-you said you’d handcuff me if I moved my hands.” I said timidly, imagining how the smirk spreading across his face looked.

“So fucking naughty.” He tsked. The bed shifted again and I heard the clinking of metal before he grabbed my hands and roughly clasped the cuffs around them. “I’ll cuff your feet too if those legs don’t stay open for me.” That was the only thing that kept me from clenching my thighs together.

Soon the sound of vibrating returned to the atmosphere and I shivered, wanting it inside me again. I was surprised how much I liked it. I loved being submissive to Baekhyun, I loved taking everything he gave me. He nudged my clit with the vibrator.

“Fuck, Baek, please.” I gasped.

“Shut up.” He snapped, making me close my mouth immediately. “If you cum without my permission, I’m going to punish you. Tell me when you’re about to cum.” I nodded obediently, shivering in excitement once the vibrator put pressure on my entrance. Without warning, it was all the way inside me. I jerked on the handcuffs, the metal biting at my skin.

The pace he pushed the vibrator into me at was unforgivable. Once it was there, it was gone, and since I was overly worked up, I didn’t want to tell him when I was going to cum. I didn’t care if I was punished, I just needed release.

“It’s like your pussy’s just swallowing it, princess, it’s so sexy.” His voice was almost whiny, a small moan escaping his mouth. Was he touching himself? His lips attached to my clit again.

“Fuck!” I arched my back, pulling hard on the handcuffs that in turn stung my skin. His tongue then trailed down to my folds that were spread, licking around my filled entrance. He turned up the power on the vibrator again, and my body began to shake at the amount of pleasure I was receiving.

I felt the feeling forming in my stomach. I just wanted release, did it really matter if I got punished? But before I even processed it, I was stopping him.

“I - close.” As soon as the words left my mouth, he retracted everything away from me, leaving me to cry out in frustration as my walls clenched around nothing. I whined and arched my back, desperate for the pleasure to return to me. He chuckled at me as I squirmed, wishing that I’d reached my high instead of feeling it fade away.

“You’re so wet now.” He hummed, massaging my thighs. “Patience, baby, you’ll cum tonight.” But how long would it take? The wetness was dripping onto the sheets now, I wanted to be fucked.

“Fuck me.” I tugged on the handcuffs again. “Please fuck me. I’m so wet, all for you. Make me cum on your cock.” I heard the dark chuckle leave his lips and he squeezed my thighs.

“You’ve got such a dirty mouth...I think I’ll fuck it later.” His fingers danced dangerously close to my core. “Do you wanna cum on the vibrator or my cock?”

“Your cock, Baek, please.” I bucked my hips up into the air, trying to get him to pick up the pace.

“Mm, since you’re so desperate for my cock...I don’t think I’m gonna give it to you yet.” He said, his voice dropping an octave. “You’ll have to beg.”

“Please, you always fill me up. I need you.” I tugged at the cuffs again. “I fucking need to cum, Baek, please.”

“You’re gonna hurt your wrists if you keep doing that.” He scolded me. It was quiet for a few seconds and I was nervous imagining what he was doing. Suddenly, my vision came back to me, a completely bare Baekhyun pretty much straddling my hips. His cock was hard and red, he was clearly just as frustrated as I was.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of his tip that was leaking with precum. I bit down on my lip, attempting to look away.

“You don’t deserve to cum yet.” He decided. “So I’m gonna cum all over you and maybe you’ll deserve my cock then.” I shifted, watching as he gripped himself with his hand.

The moans that fell from his lips were like music, I wanted to listen to them on repeat. His hand slid on his cock easily, he just wanted to get off. He held himself firmly, his hand moving fast. I watched as the precum leaked desperately from his tip, his moans also telling me how frustrated he had become.

“You’re so sexy.” His breathing was ragged, and his arm was flexing as he tugged at himself. “So fucking wet and needy for me, wishing I was fucking you instead of my hand.”

Soon enough, he was throwing his head back and strings of white liquid shot from his tip, coating my stomach and my breasts. I was breathing heavily at this point, wishing that I could have some form of relief. He moved quickly, pulling my thighs apart with his hands before his tongue explored my core.

I nearly screamed at the sudden pleasure, arching my back as Baekhyun devoured me. His tongue move along my folds viciously, like he had one goal - to make me cum on his face. Every breath I let out was followed by a high pitched moan, and I pulled on the handcuffs. His mouth made lewd sounds as he sucked and licked at my core.

Soon his fingers came into play, once again not wasting any time in finger-fucking me as hard as he could. My body was shaking at his ministrations, the pleasure nearly making me numb to anything else. I quickly felt myself clenching on his fingers, the coil in my stomach tightening.

I was so close, just one more flick of his tongue and I’d cum all over his face. Of course, before I could, he pulled away from me again. I screamed out in frustration, once again clenching around nothing.

“Sorry, princess,” He smirked. “You said you wanted to cum on my cock.” He was hard again, slowly jerking himself off to get himself fully hard.

“Please just fuck me.” I threw my head back. “I can’t handle any more, please.”

Without warning, he thrusted hard into me, another scream of pleasure ripping from my throat. He started thrusting immediately, not bothering to give me time to adjust considering all the teasing he’d done. He pounded into me like it was the only way he’d ever cum again.

“So tight.” He breathed, his hands reaching up to squeeze my breasts, collecting some of his cum on his fingers along the way. He held his fingers up to me and I sucked on them until he pulled them away.

The bed was squeaking unforgivably as his hips worked against mine, already making my orgasm build up again. I moaned loudly, attempting to meet his thrusts with my shaky hips. The coil was tightening inside me again and I prayed he’d let me cum this time. He slammed into my g-spot, sending me flying into the euphoria that I’d been waiting for this whole time.

He still thrusted steadily into me, his hips only stuttered when I tightened around him. Was he really going to make me cum again?

“Too sensitive.” I whined. I was a bit sensitive, but his cock still felt so good inside me, throbbing.

“Oh, you can keep taking my cock. I know you can.” He growled lowly, continuing to pound into me. I tugged hard on the handcuffs, nearly screaming when it bit at my skin again. He chuckled, his pattern no longer faulting.

I was building again, and I knew that he was close as well, his body had begun to shake and his thrusts slowed down a little. I cried out in pleasure, wrapping my legs around his waist. He fucked me into the mattress with hard thrusts and he continued to slam into my g-spot.

“Cum for me again, princess.” His voice was rough and gravelly, sending a shiver down my spine that unraveled the orgasm building in my stomach. I arched my back and tightened around him again, wishing I could claw at his back.

While I was squeezing around his cock, his own orgasm took him over, the warm spurts of cum filling me to the brim. Both of our bodies were shaking as he held himself over me, kissing my skin gently, exploring where he hadn’t touched.

He pulled out of me slowly and he immediately undid the handcuffs, studying the red marks on my wrists. He went to the connected bathroom and came back with a towel, wiping the leftover cum on my stomach. He rubbed the fabric against my skin gently before he threw it to the floor beside the bed.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“I’m okay.” My voice was weaker than I thought it would be. “I’m just worn out now.”

“I’ll only be rough with you if it’s what you want, my love. Any sex is fine with me.” He chuckled at himself and pulled the blankets over us, snuggling close to me. It was such a change from what he was that it almost gave me whiplash, but I enjoyed the soft side of him.

“I enjoyed that.” I hummed against his chest feeling the warmth radiate from his body. “What’s a better way to break in a vacation than sex?”

“I’m glad you enjoyed your presents.” His finger trailed up and down my arm, the sensation already making me sleepy. “If you’re tired, sleep, my love. We’ll go get breakfast somewhere in the morning.” He kissed my forehead and I nodded, closing my eyes and falling asleep.

[awomanthinks]

Another day, more thoughts

   It is a new month. I hope this month brings us all unity, strength, compassion for ourselves and others and I hope we are able to conquer what we want to conquer and conquer all the things that are put in our path that we have no choice but to face. I have made the habit of listening to meditations before bed and throughout the night and I would suggest that for anyone that has nightmares or uncomfortable sleeps like myself. Good day and I wish you all abundance, love for yourself first and foremost, and then for others. Good luck in your endeavours. Stay strong.

I don’t know how many people read my last post, I’m not too concerned. It was my first post. I have been telling myself not to get deterred from continuing to post my work just because it didn’t fluke into getting a million likes on my first post. I’ve deleted things I’ve written, painted, drawn, etc in the past because of this. I call myself a realist but I’m also an insane perfectionist which is admittedly an extremely toxic trait. It’s good in some ways but not great in others. I don’t hold everyone else to the same standard I hold myself- Actually in the past I have loved and cared for people that couldn’t do as much as hold themselves accountable for their actions, let alone actually change their actions all together. At least I learned. Being a perfectionist does not make me perfect, I will never be perfect, and I don’t view myself as anywhere near perfect so don’t worry.. When I say that  I’m a perfectionist I certainly do not mean that anything I do I believe is “perfect” really to me it means the opposite.. It means to me that I sort of view everyone else as perfectly imperfect even when they make mistakes, I’m always a warm and comforting person willing to offer love to people who are struggling with themselves whether it be a “small” mistake they’ve made OR if they’ve done something that would be considered horrible by most. I’m a very forgiving and non judgemental person- To others. 

   When it comes to myself though, I often hold a grudge. I have managed to get a lot better with positive “self-talk” but it is a full time job. To transition from toxic, negative, hateful internal dialogue that is always beating me up on the inside and trying to kill me at a rate that my doctor described as a 20% faster rate of thought than the average person. Resulting in a brain that races and doesn’t ever stop having thoughts zooming through, transitioning to a more loving, positive, kind, forgiving, internal dialogue… I’m proud to say it really is improving, after about eight years of practicing techniques that started out with “The Secret” and it’s ideas on how to change your life and then in combination with many other metaphysical books and studies and much meditation I am finally reaching a point where my thoughts are actually just more positive. It took a long time of combatting thousands of negative thoughts an hour. Not just “negative” either, hateful, suicidal VISIONS, consistent throughout the day, beating me up internally so that at one point I would wake up and look at my phone and then smash my head back onto the pillow and angrily fall back asleep so that I didn’t have to hear my brain because it was so angry and hateful at me. 

     It went from all those type of thoughts turning to impulsive, self deprecating actions, a constant cycle of this lead to now starting to have more of an inner peace.. When I do have a thought that falls into the category of negative it isn’t nearly as morbid, and it is immediately met with 10 positive affirmations to heal my moment of negativity. Although, if it is a RATIONAL negative thought because I have become more at peace with myself I am able to cope with negative feelings because I would be delusional to truly believe a life without negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions would be achievable.. It sounds great in theory but when it’s sunny all the time you get a desert so they say. ( In 2020 you can survive in a desert but once upon a time if you stumbled onto a desert you wouldn’t last very long without water so it wasn’t always a nice vacation spot and was once a death sentence, thus the saying) So my point being that without the occasional acknowledgement of reality which comes with what we have labeled “negativity” nothing would really be positive anymore because there would be no opposite to compare it to so it would just be. You can’t have one without the other. Eventually so much positivity there would still be negative because what is slightly less positive would be not as good which would mean in comparison to the really good it would be negative! Well in my humble opinion that makes sense using logic. 

        Anyway I’ve gone off on a tangent. My point is that I’m hard on myself. I’m actively working on being hard on myself in a “tough love” kind of way vs. the previous self loathing kind of way that was destroying me and pushing away everyone that even attempted to become close to me. I had been studying ways to counteract my brains attempts to self destruct for years. It was all great and I loved studying it. I only ever found my way back to these books when I was sober, though I read books on the subject and as many videos as I could find, between 13 and 16 I didn’t take it all too seriously.. I DID love reading about it, trying to practice it. I loved sharing the self help methods with my friends and discussing them. I loved bonding with them over their coping mechanisms and techniques. Once I began matching each negative thought with a positive one I began to realize how many negative thoughts I was having and really listening to them and hearing them. Amidst my young search in the realm of spirituality I became intrigued by drugs as many of the people close to me are aware but maybe someone who comes across this won’t be. I watched documentaries about acid, mushrooms, ecstasy. When I first fell in love with the idea of “expanding my spirituality with drugs” I swore to myself I was only interested in the spiritual ones. I didn’t have a good support system in my life. I was in a broken home where I did not feel loved, appreciated, valued, accepted, nurtured, cared for, or wanted. Those were the things I did not feel.. The things I did feel were broken, sad, angry, frustrated, neglected, older than I was, burdened with responsibility, like an outcast, like i was ugly, like i was fat, like I was the reason for every moment my mom was unhappy. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and these were only the emotions being carried from day to day within my upbringing. Not to mention the aftershock of traumas that occurred within the home that were never a priority for anyone to help me heal and because of that at the time I didn’t know what trauma really was and therefore it wasn’t a priority of my own to heal. Not to mention all of the experiences I had with my peers at school that broke me down over the years as well. 

    Although I took interest in the spiritual drugs, I also studied the other drugs and didn’t plan on ever doing them. I was afraid to do acid because of it’s being man made, I didn’t trust it with my already fragile mental health. I stuck to that throughout my teenage years and still into adulthood- I did try acid twice. Half a tab. Both times it was uncomfortable and I call this stuff acid but I’m well aware that in 2020 it’s damn near impossible to come across real LSD, I mean come on. People have argued with me about that but in my studies more sources have confirmed its rarity than have ever said it’s widely available. It’s not. So I don’t know what this blotted paper that I tried really was but I tried it to say I tried it and that was that.

      Before trying acid though I had studied MDMA a fair bit. I was always so intrigued by the effects of MDMA and since sassafras came from a tree I thought it had a natural aspect to it and also saw many interesting accounts of people finding it a spiritual drug. So at sixteen I became intrigued enough to try it. What I didn’t know at that time is that there were compounds that were sold as molly that were either ACTUAL meth, or chemically similar to meth… So after having real molly maybe two times and falling in love with it I spent between 6 and 10 months doing MDMA and meth every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. Sleeping for 3 or 4 days straight, sometimes starting on thursday. Anyone who is an adult is probably aware of the molly come down being a complete draining of the serotonin in your brain. Leaving you feeling pretty shitty, depressed, pessimistic. Just basically in automatic negative thought mode. 

       To make matters worse I was struggling with a number of at the time undiagnosed mental health conditions, such as what I now know was anxiety, depression, anorexia, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Combined these illnesses probably have a list of about 25-30 symptoms that displayed themselves in very negative ways at that time and do still affect me to this day but I have luckily found some coping mechanisms that help me to deal with these symptoms, it’s still a mountain I’m facing and attempting to climb myself.

Prior to the drug experimentation I had already been smoking, drinking heavily to the point of blacking out and getting sick, severe self harm, monthly suicide attempts… So add a drug that sucks out the very little bit of serotonin that I did have leaving me physically and mentally drained and my scarce appetite even further suppressed and it was the perfect recipe for a dependency… After the initial use that made me feel even worse than I normally did, the drug began to be the only time that I would feel “good”. Once what began as experimentation turned into a dependency I began to buy whatever was being called molly. I noticed a difference in the high and knew it was fake but did not want to admit to myself that it was not just “fake molly” but it was methamphetamine. Most adults will also know what a tweaker looks like.. So after using molly for the first time I immediately became sickly thin, had no eyebrows, would turn what started out as a small pimple or blemish into a bleeding scab on my face every time I  had one, I had been in a relationship for about 2 years leading up to this and with everything going on at home I was extremely dependent on my partner but my partner also felt that they had a purpose by being in a relationship with me so he relied on me in that way. We were codependent to a detrimental degree. 

     We were toxic, I was too emotional, he displayed no emotion. Our relationship was toxic before the drugs…. But when I did hard drugs for the first time he was not there and it quickly led to us breaking up… But when he watched what was happening to me and how quickly I was experimenting with other things he became scared and we started to do drugs together and stay together. Long story short our lives became hell. Everyone else was pushed out besides each other and I was leaving home often, his mom hated me, my mom hated me. It felt like everyone hated me, I was trying to complete school and it wasn’t working… From that first time my ability to rationalize was obstructed.

       A child that wasn’t fully developed and was suicidal and suffered from mental illness, didn’t have a support system and had no positive coping mechanisms and the only relationships I had in my life were extremely toxic, this was the perfect recipe for an addiction…. The whole point of me going into this little part about addiction, is that addiction takes all the negative thoughts that plague you when you’re “normal” or not on drugs, and it pushes them to the forefront of your brain so that they’re all you can hear. Not only does it do that but it amplifies the desire to put an end to it because you can’t see anything good about yourself. Also because this negativity is literally a dark cloud over you and you become different than the person your loved ones knew to know and love ( even if the relationships were toxic and unstable to begin with) any small amount of good that laid within these toxic relationships is sucked out until it gets abusive and unbareable. Drug dependency can take even the most beautiful, solid relationships away, but when relationships are toxic to begin with often times noone involved knows how to communicate so it blows up and is UGLY, MEAN, and just traumatizing. 

        Drug addiction makes life a dark, ugly, miserable, scary place. I lost 5 years to drug addiction. I’m so glad to be sober now because I was close to dying. I had tried to kill myself a lot of times before I even began taking drugs, but with drugs you’re killing yourself every day knowing that eventually it will happen if you get high enough and it becomes a thrill and a gamble to take enough of something that you know it should kill you, but it doesn’t… You’d be surprised how the human body can be so resilient.

         I couldn’t be more content to have shelter. To be warm, in a bed, with the things I need. Food readily available.. And things to look forward to. I’ve been keeping my small victories to myself, not wanting to jinx anything. Although I have publicly been celebrating my abstinence from drugs because that is no small victory. That is a huge feat for me. I’m 4 days away from my three months sobriety date. I’ve never felt this confident about it before because whenever I quit I didn’t have methadone, I could have.. But I didn’t. As I wrote earlier in this entry, I am a “perfectionist” which for anyone who identifies with that word, it doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means when you set out what you think or believe is the right way to do something in your head noone can tell you different. It’s being STUBBORN and even ignorant. For me I always quit cold turkey even though with benzos you can die from withdrawal and I almost did many times. My thought process about refusing to go on methadone was that I thought if I could quit without needing to rely on another drug which methadone is, then I would make my family proud. I thought I was invincible, like many drug addicts do and I thought I could be stronger than to need to rely on the governments method of beating addiction with another addiction. Like many addicts tell themselves. I thought I was different and wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to just stop everything. A few times I did… The first time I made it 6 months. This was before I had ever been addicted to cocaine, benzos, or opiates. This was when I was just addicted to mdma/meth. I made it 6 months clean off everything, then came the smoking weed all the time, then came poppers, then came alcohol, then came an embarassing blackout and too much food, then i felt fat, so then I would do molly again. It was a cycle that I had gone from experiencing every week into the weekend, then I made it the six months.. In that six months I was going for walks almost daily, I had a job at Sephora, I was studying metaphysics and holistic healing again.. I was studying crystal healing, eating healthier, and then I found my way back to the false cushion of drug addiction. 

      The next time I was sober I was living in British Columbia. Addiction had lead me to being sexually assaulted while I was blacked out. Noone helped me and afterward I was called such horrible things. I set out to walk on a highway known for the abduction of females and thought to myself how I didn’t care. If someone offered me a ride and raped me and slit my throat that would be it and at least I would be dead. That’s how broken and hurt I was at the time.. So I began walking with my camera around my neck and my suitcase. It was a beautiful sunset and I took photos and began to walk. Tears streaming down my face. I made it maybe 2 kilometers when a man in a truck stopped ahead of me. It was a new ford truck. The man was sitting there with his window down, looking out at me. He said “Are you okay?” And with that I started breaking down. He told me to get in and I asked him if he was sure. He said yes and asked me what had happened. I told him about the sexual assault. He told me that we were going to go to his house and he would introduce me to his wife over a bowl of soup. He told me that himself and his wife were eight years sober and members of the local Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship and didn’t try to push it on me. 

     I won’t go into too much detail because I do plan on writing a novel about everything, but long story short they accepted me into their household with open arms. They had a daughter that was 17 that looked at me as a sister and still does. They are still my spiritual AA mom and dad and I still speak to them. I went to AA with them a lot. My aa mom and dad brought me to a convention in Abbotsford BC where they had been on the list to speak as a family, the three of them. They invited me to speak with them. There’s a CD of us and it is beautiful. We all got emotional and cried during our speeches. That was the most pure love I’ve experienced to date… I’m sure if you’re reading this you may wonder why I left. Well there was so much love and I made it to three months sober quite easily, I won’t say gracefully though as there were many moments of tears and breakdown. I was working a full time job, doing quite well… and my little brother asked me on the phone “Arianne, am I ever going to see you again?” And with that my heart shattered. I love this child like my own, so I bought a plane ticket one way, in time for his birthday. I got there two days before. I thought that I was strong enough in my recovery to handle it. Even though my new family recommended against it. I got back and although my little brother was excited noone else really commended me for my sobriety as much as I thought they would. I regretted my decision but couldn’t go back on it now. 

    I was working two jobs, some days twelve hour shifts. I ended up seeking attention from a guy who brought drugs back into my life, and then came the worst relapse I’ve had yet.. New drugs were introduced into my life and in new amounts. I lost myself yet again. It was awful. Today as I wake and continue writing this entry, I don’t feel strong enough to go into detail of where addiction took me this time. But I’m going to stop the entry here and start my day. To anyone that is reading this I love you.

[jmkieper13]

It's Just Not Fair!

Well, as you can probably guess, it’s been a rough day. The last time I updated, we were hopeful that this first Clomid cycle had worked for us, and that we were 9 agonizingly short months away from our rainbow…and then, I went for blood work. 7 days post peak (or ovulation), I had progesterone and estradiol (estrogen) levels pulled, as was the doctor’s request to go with the Clomid. By this point, I’d had a couple days of mild cramping, crazy dreams every single night, excess cervical mucus, excessive thirst, a couple of dizzy spells, a couple bouts of insomnia…pretty much every textbook pregnancy symptom. We were really excited to see what the bloodwork would show. The nurse called back the following day and said that my progesterone was extremely low (7.2), and my estrogen was extremely high (642…which is approximately three times the high end of normal). She mentioned that this could be a sign of hyperstimulation of my ovaries from the Clomid. I mentioned that I didn’t have any pain with ovulation but that I was having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. They told me to go ahead and wait until 12 days post peak and take a pregnancy test. That was yesterday. I took a couple of tests over the weekend and they were all negative. It’s early, I told myself (repeatedly), and kept waiting for the next day. Symptoms persisted, and new ones began. I was EXTREMELY exhausted (point of reference, I next to never take a nap, and even more rarely sleep in, and on Saturday not only did I wake up, startled and groggy from a deep sleep, with the ‘absolute latest we can sleep, just in case,’ alarm, but I took two naps, yawned through dinner, and went to bed only about a half hour later than normal. Sunday I had a pretty relaxing day, and in spite of this, I fell asleep on the couch at 6:30, woke up at 8:45, and went to bed at 9 for the night) and the thirst got insanely more intense. I would literally drink 100 ounces of water within the constraints of a normal 9-5 work day and by dinner time be so thirsty my throat was itchy and dry and I had cotton mouth. The same would happen if I didn’t bring water to bed…bed which was now interrupted with not making it through the night without having to use the bathroom…also very unusual for me. I was SO sure. This was IT. I was so sure that I calculated what our due date would be, and got really excited to see that it would be within a week of our anniversary in October. I was so sure that I didn’t turn a blind eye when I saw sales on baby items when I happened to be putzing around an online store. So sure that I didn’t stop myself from wandering around the baby department when I happened to be at Target. Sure, a lot of the symptoms that I was having could also have been hyperstimulation, but things like increased cervical mucus, crazy dreams, and extreme thirst I didn’t see mentioned anywhere, so I was still pretty darn confident. I was making sure I was being careful. Avoiding caffeine, wine, lunch meats, and all of the other things that pregnant people are supposed to avoid. I was allowing myself the rest that I so clearly needed, and making sure to not lay flat on my back or let the dogs jump on me. I wasn’t lifting anything heavy, and even found myself holding my stomach at times when I was walking. Then, it was THE day. 12 days post peak…test day. I was just ready and waiting for that second line to show up…except it didn’t. I took two different tests, and neither of them had anything positive to say. I called the doctor’s office and let them know that the test was negative, but that I was still having a ton of symptoms. They asked me to go for a blood pregnancy test just to be sure that the home tests weren’t giving me false negative results. Even THEY thought this could be the one. Last night I tested again…this morning, yet again…both still showed only one lonely line. Today, blood work results were in. “Less than 2.” Less than 2. For anyone that hasn’t spent several years engrossed in all things pregnancy…anything less than 5 is considered a negative result. So…this wasn’t it. What this was, was the hyperstimulation that the nurse warned me may have been a concern. With literally a 2 minute phone call, all of the symptoms that had me so excited for the changes that were about to take place now have me terrified for what happens next. Hyperstimulation is no joke, and I’m admittedly worried. I’m worried about the fact that my symptoms don’t seem to be getting better. I’m worried about the fact that I am supposed to do a second attempt at Clomid to see if this is how my body reacts or if it was an isolated reaction this one time. I’m worried about the fact that I’ve noticed pain near my ovaries all day, leading me to believe that I likely have a cyst or cysts to worry about. I’m worried about any potential delays that this may cause. I’m worried about if it will be worse the second time we try it, and if it is…then what? Do I end up in the ER? Do I end up sidelined for several months? What happens then. I’m just worried. What was a head and heart full of excitement and anticipation of what I was just so sure was going to be the best and most exciting phone call I ever received quickly turned to fear and concern and anxiety over the list of questions that the call, which was definitely not what I was hoping for, actually delivered. As for now, I have an ultrasound tomorrow to see what things now look like in there, as a result of the Clomid and crazy estrogen spike. After this, I expect we’ll get some idea as to what we will be doing next. That may be Clomid, that may be Letrozole. I trust our doctor, and I know he genuinely has our best interests at heart, so I trust his direction when he gives it…but I’m scared. I haven’t cried yet, as I’ve somehow managed to hold it together. This, however, is a ticking time bomb, and I expect it to be short lived. I’m waiting for the comforts of home to allow me the solace that I need to fall apart without fearing loss of any personal dignity. This whole thing sucks. It sucks, and it’s just not fair. How much should a person have to go through? How many times should I have to watch the pain in my husband’s face when I tell him that the test was negative…again? How many times should I have to order a new test or procedure to clean up the unexpected mess from the last thing we tried? How many times should I have to give a lengthy update to our family because our update is never a simple, “we’re pregnant!”? How many times should I have to listen to the nurse sigh before she gives me results, because it’s always something bad? How many times should I have to beg God through sobs for the miracle that we’ve wanted for so long? How many baby showers do I have to go to before I get to be the one it’s thrown for? How long do I have to stare at the door to the room that we thought would be a nursery by now knowing that it’s just a glorified junk drawer, holding all of the things behind a closed door that I don’t have the energy to deal with? How many cycles should I have to spend any extra money that I may have on pregnancy tests, only for them all to be negative and feel like a waste? How many times should I have to do everything I’m supposed to, only to have it still not work? It’s just. Not. Fair. In other news…I’ve also decided that I’m going to begin a vlog (video blog) through a YouTube channel, and I was going to begin that with this cycle, but now I’m not quite sure. If you’re interested in the details for that channel when I get started, leave a comment and I’m happy to share. As always, thank you for the continued prayers and support, and keep them coming. We need them now more than ever.