#also im not trying to break things down into a weird binary but a lot of times unfortunately in my line of work thats how the status quo | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kael-writ · 1 year ago

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sooo, the biggest problem with this is the very beginning of it: ANYONE CAN BE AN ARTIST. To gatekeep who is an artist in the first place is messed up. That's not ok. Anyone should be allowed to join an art club and make art, actually. Certainly your friend who is having a good time there and not causing problems. Because THEY CAN BE AN ARTIST TOO. Literally anyone who wants to create art can be an artist! A 3 year old can be an artist. Art is for everyone.

And that's really the same way gender and sexuality labels work. Anyone can be a man, a woman, or non-binary because they're just labels.

labels for abstract and fluid social concepts.

Social concepts that were made up to assign characteristics to people based on their genitals that doesn't match real people ...and/or to assign them an internal romantic/sexual attraction that also doesn't match real people.... so people evolved ways to bend, break, reforge these labels, because labels are kinda bullshit but can be useful, and it's complicated and messy because humans are diverse individuals.... *gasps for air* yea yea that's a lot.

I get that it can be a lot for people to process, it was for me. That's how the heady experience of the diversity of individuals within society is, it's complex.

A second problem with this analogy is that, obviously, gender and sexuality isnt a club or an activity, it's literally just a personal label a person uses. It doesnt mean you have to do or refrain from any activities.

People *do* try to gatekeep labels based on things like who you are currently dating or if you are planning on getting a surgery, but uhhh that's actually total bullshit too. And a lot has been written about why and Im not going into this tangent this moment so anyway.

Also, people are not trying to join art clubs because they hate art, that isnt a real thing that happens that art clubs do have to gatekeep. The same applies to queerness. No one is faking it for like weird nefarious purposes, dude.

I live in a major city and am active in the community and Ive never heard of LGBTQIA+ centers that forbid hand holding or a kiss goodbye or anything like that. If that's actually truly happening somewhere, maybe we should look at the actual evidence, where and why exactly it happened, instead of blaming the existence in the world of whatever queer people we're trying to gatekeep today. Were these people - idk, a non-binary asexual person who uses the label lesbian let's say - actually the people running the center and making those rules? Probably not. It probably was just a regular cut and dried cis gay guy who does get past your gate. If this event even happened.

Do people in queer spaces use slurs like queer and the f-slur and the d-slur? Yea, always have. That's what reclaiming is. We get called that stuff, so we use it with our friends. Can people be more sensitive about who they say that in front of? Absolutely, can and should.

That isnt, again, the fault of, idk, - a trans masculine person who doesn't want surgery and hasnt chosen a label - or whoever we're gatekeeping this week. Again, regular old "passes the gatekeep" cis gay guys say "the f slur". That isnt gonna be helped with the gate.

If you truly want to have an actual clubhouse for only Gold Star Cis Lesbians you can do that. And you can put yourself through the un-fun task of scrutinizing members and kicking people out and shit if you really want. And you can accept the consequences of that, like a lot of people disliking you. You can do that.

You can have an art club at your house for only visual artists who use acrylics and graduated art school and take commissions on tumblr, you can narrow down your club, because that's your little small social gathering.

but you cant actually stop an artist with zero experience who never went to school from calling themselves an artist even if you think only experienced professionals who went to school should be called artists. Because they can do that. And they will. All you can do is be an asshole about it.

And there are consequences for being an asshole, like people not wanting to associate with you.

You can't stop people from using labels like lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, asexual, aromantic, and queer for themselves. You physically, practically can't stop them.

All you can do is be an asshole about it, or get over it.

PS: btw if you send me an anonymous shitty mean message about this, you're just making it more clear to me that Im right, so save your energy

why gatekeeping the LGBT community is a necessary evil:

say that you decide to start a club it's an art club. you like this club, because it's full of artists just like you, who understand the struggles you go through. they have resources and advice and empathy to share, as do you, because you're all artists. but then one day, your friend who is not an artist, asks if they can join.

and they're your friend!! you want them to have fun too! maybe they have an appreciation of drawing, so you think it’s okay. so even though your friend doesn’t draw, you say sure! and they join the club. and they sit with everyone else and chat and talk, and everything’s good, it’s nice, it’s fun.

but then your other friend hears about your first friend being allowed in. and you already said yes to the first friend—how can you tell this one no? so you let this friend in, too. but then that friend decides that they really like the club, even though they don’t necessarily like drawing, so they invite THEIR friends. and what are you supposed to do? say no? you already have two non-artists in the club. so you grit your teeth and allow those people in, too.

and the cycle repeats. friends invite friends, word spreads around. pretty soon, your art club becomes an art-and-movies-and-book club. and then it’s an art-and-movies-and-book-and-instrument-and-comics-and-gaming-and-knitting club. resources are dwindling and it’s hard for the artists to talk about their needs with everyone else chatting away and detailing the conversation, but you don’t kick anyone out because you don’t want people to feel bad. after all, you made this club so that people could feel supported and understood.

then the worst happens: some people join who don’t like art. sure they say that they support artists, but these are the kinds of people who would stiff an artist their commission price, who would look down their nose and critique, who would say they feel uncomfortable with the fact that maybe some artists prefer digital art over traditional pencil & paper on account of it not being “real art”, and they’re very vocal about it.

soon, those artists that you’ve had from the beginning start to leave. they don’t feel safe and supported anymore. they can’t find the resources and help that they need. they feel unsafe and uncomfortable with such a large group inside what was supposed to be their refuge talking bad about them, sometimes even directly insulting them. you’re helpless to watch them go, because you did this. you let everyone else in. you set the stage for this exact thing to be able to happen.

maybe one or two artists stick around. but now the non-artists have made rules about actively creating art within the club’s time. the club is not a safe place anymore. no more artists join your club.

you are alone again, just like you were before your club, because you wouldn’t tell people no.

sound familiar? this is literally what is happening with LGBT centers right now, in the real world. there are LGBT centers where displays of affection are prohibited, where there are people who actively use slurs and insults against LGBT members, but are still welcomed in because of the “+”. this is real, and it’s happening all over.

gatekeeping isn’t fun. gatekeeping sucks. it feels bad. but it is necessary. we have to gatekeep in order to keep our LGBT family safe. we have to gatekeep to allow our LGBT family to have a refuge from the world, where they can be who they are without fear.

the acronym is LGBT. no Q. no plus. LGBT, and that’s it. we deserve to have a place to be who we are, and not have it turned into a microcosm of the outside world just because a few people couldn’t say no.

inclusivity is harmful. inclusivity will lead to the destruction of LGBT safe spaces and resources. inclusivity does infinitely more harm than it does good. please stop being complicit in the hatred & discrimination the community faces from people who are supposed to be “on our side”.

we are hurting, and inclusivity needs to end.

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generic-hufflepuff1 · 4 years ago

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The Fun Part (Tma Analysis)

Heyo! Here's the part two to This, using the data from Here.

Now in part one I give some of my rationalisation as to why certain Entities show up in statements less often than others.

In this one I’ll just be pointing out some interesting things in what the numbers say and/or some rationalization for weird numbers or sometimes just making up a in universe reason for some of Jonny’s writing quirks (Like how if you look at the numbers Jonny just finds ideas for Hunt episodes harder to think of)

Im gonna be breaking this down into seasons

Season 1

In Season 1 the most frequent entities are The Corruption and The Stranger (8 episodes each).

Both of these make sense. The main antagonist of Season 1 is Jane Prentis and having looked at all the Stranger episodes* it is quite clear that it is Jonny setting up for future arcs and plotlines. But that's the boring reason. The fun reason is that The Corruption is ready to perform its ritual and The Stranger is busy setting up for their own ritual and as a result there are plenty of statements within easy reach of Jonathan Sims for these two entities in particular, with two to four times the number of statements of the other entities.

Other notable entities are The Spiral and The Flesh.

Mostly just because they each get a couple more entities than is the usual as ten of the fifteen entities have between two to four episodes. The Spiral gets a bit of a boost from Micheal popping up every now and then and that works for me. The Flesh is a bit weirder I can't really think of a writing reason for it all I can say is that they tend to be quite striking and it's quite clear Jonny had a lot of fun with them and honestly that's fair. But again, boring. One reason could be that as mentioned in the other post there is a bit of a requirement for a statement giver notably they need to be desperate enough and you know still alive to go to the Archives, and these statements** are quite obvious as The Flesh has no patience for subtlety, but still enjoys the act of delaying the suffering.

And the final segment “What's the Eye Doing?”

The reason i'm including this is because Ive noticed that the Eye is strange in that it is the most popular entity over all of the show but is not the most frequent in most of the seasons. So Im just gonna keep an eye on it.

The Eye shows up in three episodes: 12 First Aid, 23 Schwartzwald and 40 Human Remains, and of these only really the Mag 23 is the only real statement about it I just find this interesting no real notes about it though.

*1 Angler Fish, 2 Do Not Open, 3 Across The Street, 24 Strange Music, 28 Skin Tight, 34 Anatomy Class, 39 Infestation, 40 Human Remains

** 5 Thrown away, 14 Piecemeal, 17 The Boneturner's Tale, 18 The Man Upstairs, 20 Desecrated host, 30 Killing Floor

Season 2

Now sure this season has three entities (The Stranger, The Buried and The Spiral) that have more episodes than the others and I will talk about them but what stands out more than anything else is just how spread out it is. I mean with the exception of those three and the Extinction the rest have between two to four with half of them having four and Hell even The Extincion gets one. This is by far the most fair the spread ever gets. Here’s the spread:

6: Stranger, Buried, Spiral

4: Desolation, Dark, End, Web, Eye

3: Vast, Flesh, Corruption

2: Hunt, Slaughter, Lonely

1: Extinction

So Why the Stranger, Buried and Spiral

Again the Stranger is being set up for season three and are working on their ritual, not to mention the presence of NotSasha gives a sizable boost. The Spiral is a bit stranger but at this point Micheal is still running around and this gives it the needed boost. The Buried is the only one that is not immediately obvious, after looking through the episodes* it still baffles me, as far as I can tell it's due to the focus on the Tunnels. It could be that Jonathan in an attempt to understand the Tunnels tried to find similar statements and as a result the trend developed.

The Extinction?

So season 2 has the first mention of number 15, well maybe it does. See the thing with most of the Extinction’s manifestations is that it could maybe be something else entirely. The Extinction episode of the season is 65 Binary and might be the Spiral instead but the focus on a new type of life and technology means that it is very difficult to say really.

What's the Eye Doing?

The Eye falls right into the average place in the hierarchy for the season with four episodes. Those being: 53 Crusader, 60 Observer Effect, 62 First Edition and 79 Hide and Seek. These seem to work to expand what exactly the Eye is. As I said, season 1 kind of lacks this and here Mag 53, 62 and 79 bring up the weirdness of the archivist, whereas Mag 60 explores how the Eye can manifest. But the Eye isn't special every single entity gets fleshed out in season 2.

*41 Too Deep, 50 Foundations, 51 High Definition, 61 Hard Shoulder, 66 Held in Customs, 71 Underground

Season 3

This is the run away season. This one is similar to the previous one but it does skew quite wildly at its end to favour the Stranger, for entirely understandable reasons. But ultimately is still quite fair with only The Eye and The Extinction fall outside the three to five range.

So the Stranger

The Stranger has ten episodes this season and why is quite obvious as the climax of the season revolves around the Stranger. Not much to say here.

Again the Extinction

Now my notes had 114 Cracked Foundation as one of the Extinction episodes but for some reason I can no longer find any mention of it on the Wiki so I have no Idea what happened here. My guess is that in the wake of Mag 196 and 197 this particular entry got a lot of attention and the link with the Extinction removed.

What's the Eye doing?

This is the first season in which the Eye starts to take up the main spotlight with seven episodes. However looking through the statements* and it does not really appear in the statements but rather in the pre and post statement drama, as Jonathan and Elias use their abilities. So as a result the Eye ends up feeling very different compared to the other entities and we don't see the ‘Horror’ of it for a lot of the podcast.

* 82 The Eyewitnesses, 92 Nothing Beside Remains, 105 Total War, 106 A Matter Of Perspective, 117 Testament, 118 The Masquerade, 119 Stranger and Stranger

Season 4

So season four is very, very weird in that the Extinction is the most frequent entity (tied with the Eye). It does make sense as Jonny needs to catch the audience up on what exactly it is as it does not have the breath of work that the other entities have, so as a result Lucas spends his Time telling Martin about it.

Other notable Entities

The Lonely is also quite popular this season with five episodes but that also makes sense due to not only the presence of Lucas but also Martin’s fall into the Lonely. Other than that The Hunt only has one statement* that has to do with it’s ritual. The combination of this and the Extinction’s frequency in this season and the hunts underperformance in other seasons (4 in season 1, 2 from season 2, 3 from season 3 and 1 in this season) means that it has just slightly one more episode than the Extinction. I do cover my rationalisation for this in the other post (Here)

What’s the Eye Doing?

Leading the pack that's what. This season also has what other seasons lack statements that the Eye features in. Now this is probably Jonny finally having the chance to explore the concept properly as it is a bit harder to really understand, but in world it could be due to a combination of Elias trying to keep Jonathan blind and Jonathan trying to explore his new identity as a ful blown avatar and going about it like a baby gay, consuming all media surrounding the topic.

*133 Dead Horse

Season 5

I debated not including this section but hell I'll just add on any updates if it's necessary.

So in this one to (to no one's surprise) the Eye is the golden child in this season after a brief jaunt into a domain for each fear the focus becomes almost entirely Eye focused, and if you want to be technical you can just add the Eye to every single episode but I did not.

The runner up

The Web is definitely making up good numbers especially with how the finally is turning out.

Other notables

The Lonely, Buried and Spiral all get a little above average. Why? Well Martin has to deal with some baggage from Season 4 and Gaslight Girlboss is still running around but the Buried is a bit weird. Again I think jonny just finds it easy to write claustrophobic horror, but again thats boring. So lets have a look* and when I did I noticed that all three of these (and the Eye and Web) all are in 167 Curiosity so that adds a bit to the count. But other than that its clear that it’s easy to add the Buried on top of another entity so its clear that the Eye simply likes how the Buried spices up the other flavours of fear. And then finally the Extinction and Slaughter only get one each (163 In The Trenches and 175 Epoch) and they are the compulsory exploration episodes and unless the finale really is a complete curveball this probably won't change.

What’s the Eye Doing?

Having the time of its god damn life.

*166 The Worms, 167 Curiosity, 184 Like Ants, 185 Locked In, 195 Adrift

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wataponwrites · 4 years ago

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Hi there, I’d love to request a “Ship-Me-With”, please! Here’s all the things you wanted to have-- Gender: Non-Binary, born female.- Sexual Preference: Pansexual! - Personality: I'm outgoing, feisty, and passionate. However, I also have a fiery temper and can be prone to snide remarks and brutal honesty (if it calls for it). I'm adventurous by nature and love being a thrill-seeker/daredevil, even if it gets me into trouble- I tend to have a lot of energy compared to others. [1/?]

OMG NO DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT BEING LONG IT WAS PERFECT, TYSM!!!!!! 💗

💚 I Ship You With Joey Wheeler! 💚

It’s everyone’s favorite brooklyn boy, Joey Wheeler/Jonouchi Katsuya! Starting off as friends, I’m gonna say you guys went to Domino High together! It’s the break before class and Joey’s in the classroom dueling with Yugi and pals, and oh boy, here walks in a student who just looks like they’re up to no good. Going over to where they’re hanging around, you can already tell there’s a disturbance. Maybe this student had some kinda weird beef with one of them, or just was feeling like causing a ruckus for some reason? Whatever the case, it wasn’t good. “Oh great, it’s you guys taking up air again. If you’re gonna be in this class, at least do us all a favor and stop being weird.” Obviously to any remark like this, The gang (except for Yugi) would be ready to throw fists, but before they could, someone intervened. “Hey, leave them alone.” They turned to where they heard the voice, and it was you! After a few exchanged words with the rude student, they decided it wasn’t worth the time and walked away. “Hey, thanks so much for helping us!” Joey said, and the rest thanked you as well. He then asked if you’d like to join them for a few more rounds of Duel Monsters before class started, and you guys got a few rounds in before the bell rang! After school Joey walked up to you, “Hey again, we’re hanging out for a bit after school if you wanna join us!” You joined them and had a great evening!

After this, you became a regular of the gang, and they were delighted to have you on board! Though all of them loved you, it seemed you got along the best with Joey! He immediately warmed up to your passion and fiery attitude and was with you all the way, as he’s the exact same way! Imagine Kaiba coming at Joey with his usual snide comments and just you guys coming back at him together 2x stronger and Joey just being so proud about it afterwards LOL. Though the rest of the gang usually just likes to hang out at peaceful areas and the gameshop and such, Joey is SO down to go to thrill-seeking places with you! This man has energy for days, so he loves that you guys can keep up with each other! Riding those slingshot rides, going to an amuse park together, zip-lining, jumping over fences, breaking into KaibaCorp for funsies, you name it! Joey always finds himself having the best time with you. ☺️

Now, onto relationship! I feel like Joey asked the gang what he should do about asking you out, but they all gave him different answers! Though, he ended up going with Yugi’s advice: “Just be honest and true to yourself.” But in the days where he was thinking about asking you out, he noticed you had been a bit quieter than usual and was kinda worried. But Yugi reassured him once again. He asked you after school to go with him to a grassy area in the city and watch the sunset over the lake there. “It’s real pretty, so I thought ya might like to see it!” And as you guys are watching it, he started getting fumbly. “Uhh, so, I’ve been meaning to ask ya something for awhile...” He went on and confessed to you, a bit sheepishly though, as this was his first time ever really doing anything like this, but he quickly perked back up. “But I’ll be the best boyfriend ever, Wheeler’s honor!!” And after you said yes, he shouted in happiness and quickly pulled you into a tight hug. 🥺

Joey would absolutely risk his life for you. Of course, Joey would take a bullet for all of his loved ones, but you’re right up there with Serenity, there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you. With both of you being a bit prone to get into fights easily, I feel like you two could really balance each other out and keep each other in check. And dates are never a bore with Joey! He’s always taking you guys to do some new, exciting activity! Imagine for a date you guys going to watch a comedy movie and just laughing together all night long 🥺 I feel like he’d be 100% down for PDA, just always having an arm around you, holding hands, and casual hugs and cheek kisses, and if you’re not cool with that, then he’s not cool with that and will stop immediately. 👏🏻 Serenity is always so excited to see you and hang out with you, and that makes Joey so happy! 🥺 I also feel like he’d be super interested in your tattoos, and asking if there’s a story behind them and just loving to look at them in general! He’s also always down for game nights, and sitting up with you until the sun rises playing video games, board games, and just any game in general! He’s also always so excited to listen to music with you and see what cool new song you have for him to listen to next! Also, he just absolutely ADORES that you’re into martial arts and boxing!! Attending every event you have for them, always cheering you on, and always asking you to teach him some moves! He may not exactly get it down but, he thinks it looks cool, and will definitely try it out on Tristan later please prevent him from trying moves out on Tristan later. Overall, this man will care and be there for you till his final breath and seems like such a fun relationship that always has something new!

im sorry this took so long!!!! but i really hope you like your pair up, and thank you so much for considering my blog!!!! 💚💗💕💙

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socialistsooner420 · 4 years ago

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that ace recognition post really got to me. and i just want to say in addition to ace inclusion, we really need nb inclusion.

i always feel so weird about being a non binary asexual in a "heteronormative" relationship because i feel like people just assume that im straight and a girl and it drives me nuts. and i see where they can gather assumptions, but to deny it once corrected is absolutely sickening to me.

i dont mind being called a girl, i mean i kinda do, but i stopped caring. my appearance really plays the most into that. ive got long thick hair (havent had a haircut in 7 years) and a fem face, and i do like "girly" aesthetics such as pink/iridescent/pastels, but i cant help what i find visually appealing. just how i cant help that i just dont really care about sex or have a drive for it. and being told that im a "cis girl" because i like "cis girl" aesthetics is SUPER disorienting from people who want to break "gender norms". it feels like if anything, they should be on the side of someone who conforms to no gender and just LIKES THINGS. NBS SHOULD BE THE DANG POSTER CHILDREN FOR DESTROYING GENDER NORMS! we literally just EXIST and LIKE WHAT WE LIKE REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER GENDER SOMETHINGS MARKETED TOWARD!!!!

growing up, when i was a kid, i saw a lot of graphic things i shouldnt have. including a lot of sexual imagery/nudity/sex scenes in movies. it always made me feel uncomfortable and gross. still does to this day!! but the pressures of growing up in a society that normalizes the sexuality of children, i felt like i had to replicate the same things i saw that made me so uncomfortable. i got into terrible situations where i was just goaded into having sexual relations just because the guys i was with didnt believe me and oh my god that "ill make ya change yr sexuality ;)" quote hit me so fucking hard i almost puked, recognizing the exact thing that was quoted to me right down to the fuckin winky face. it churns my stomach knowing i caved into their pressures, simply due to the implications that might happen to me if i didnt. they were usually my ride home, i didnt have a car and would stupidly agree to hang out with someone at their house. how STUPID of me to think that i was coming over for some platonic friend time, why didnt i even consider the fact that all they wanted to do was fucking "touch the untouchable"

when i was 18, i went out with a frat boy. i look back on this relationship with such disgust for so many reasons, but the absolutely sickening thing was when i found out after we broke up, he only dated me on a "dare" from one of his frat bros. the dare? "have sex with the girl who says she's asexual". fucking disgusting.

and to be told by other nb/trans folk that "im just a girl playing pretend" really gets on my nerves. i get it enough from straight people, and its extra disappointing to hear from lgbt+ people who should understand the struggles of having strangers invasively doubt and question your sexual behavior as if its their business. another thing thats no one's business? im a never nude. im uncomfortable with the human form. especially mine. ive always wished that i were just a plastic doll with no genetalia. that plays a BIG part in my asexuality and my non binary identity because, well, DUH, i wish i had no sexual/reproductive organs so i would have a "legitimate reason" to NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX.

ive had people doubt my asexuality simply based on the fact that ive got a "cis" (but also non male conformative) boyfriend, that somehow invalidates my asexuality. it drives me insane. just because im in a happy relationship doesnt mean we gotta fuck?????? i mean it happens but definitely not as much as a "normal" couple does (god that sickens me just to have to imply our relationship is "abnormal).

im a sex-repulsed ace, but as much as my parter respects MY sexuality (not forcing me into sex even though i dont want it) i also respect HIS sexuality and we'll have sex on occasion. and as sex-repulsed as i am, it's tolerable because he's RESPECTFUL because he KNOWS and RESPECTS it.

i cant even count on both hands and feet how many times ive said that im asexual and have heard "oh so u reproduce by yrself?" "oh so youre like a plant" "oh well you'll NEVER find a partner like that" and after being established in this relationship with my fiance, hearing people say "ah so yr not asexual anymore i see!" is sickening. its not like a switch. im asexual. i have 0 interest in sex.

my fiance is a cis male. hes heterosexual but also recognizes that i dont identity as a female. and hes OK WITH THAT!!!!

its just astounding how he is able to understand and respect it, yet so many people try to trash on both aces and nbs, especially from the lgbt+ community themselves, the people that should understand and respect that already.

idk man. rant over that post just really got to me and legit made me cry.

#txt #asexuality #ace inclusion #nb inclusion

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princepriestandpirate · 6 years ago

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hm it's A Lot so u can skip questions but abc's for lael !!

i did all of this out of hubris and pride so here u go enjoy

A: Aptitude1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

they’ve had a little scientist’s/engineer’s instincts from a young age! they’ve always been very smart and had a good eye for figuring out how systems and mechanical things function, through observation and taking them apart

2. what activities have they participated in?

this is so vague but like. a lot of magitech stuff? and robot fighting when they were in school. and as a kid a lot of running around in nature, exploring and observing and messing with everything.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

they have a natural knack for it, but all their knowledge of robotics, magic, and nature is stuff they took upon themself to study

4. what things are they bad at?

they’re not terrible athletic, and they really havent put much effort into developing people skills.

5. what is their most impressive talent?

probably to other people the fact that they do magitech

B: Basics1. what is their hair color?

black

2. what is their eye color?

dark brown

3. how tall are they?

about 5′7″

4. how old are they?

5. how much do they weigh?

no clue! im bad at figuring this stuff out. body type wise tho, they’re on the leaner side bc elf heritage but also. very squishy.

C: Comfort1. how do they sit in a chair?

almost never with both feet on the ground, at least with one leg up or crossed, sometimes with feet on the seat, but generally with limbs going wherever, one arm hooked over the seatback, etc. there is no order here

2. in what position do they sleep?

they can sleep anywhere and tend to either splay out with limbs everywhere or curl up tight around a pillow

3. what is their ideal comfort day?

hang out at home, read some books, eat their childhood favorites, and hang out with their parents, maybe fuck around out in nature for a bit

4. what is their major comfort food? why?

this chicken and vegetable soup that their dad would make for them when they were sick, it’s heavy and comforting and magically makes them feel a little bit better

5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

their parents, but in different ways– their mom does more of the physical ‘taking care of them’ stuff when comforting, and their dad gets more into the emotional comfort stuff

D: Decoration1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name?

they do have a house! although it’s also first and foremost a lab, but that’s pretty on brand for them anyway. it’s a lot of tools and practical stuff, and a lot of the furniture is based off of personal comfort or use rather than style. for decoration though there’s some blueprints and pictures pasted to the walls. the colors in general are warmer ones, and the place overall gives the impression of not being necessarily Nice but comfortable and lived in. it’s very much Lael’s Space

2. how would they decorate their child’s room?

they. would not have children.

3. how do they decorate their own room?

same with the house– very comfortable and useful, pictures and diagrams pasted on the walls, and lots of space for books and knick-knacks along with work room

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear?

they have sort of a Style but it’s also pretty chill and comfortable, made to be moving around in their workroom or working outdoors. lots of basic light-weight short sleeve shirts or button-ups, pants w lots of pocket space, overalls, tool belts, etc. if they dress fancier it’s pretty basic and streamlined, look-wise, nothing very flashy or fancy unless it’s the holidays and someone makes them.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

not at all, that’s a lot of extraneous effort they’re not willing to put in, esp since they dont necessarily see a lot of other people regularly

E: External Personality1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

pretty much, yeah. lael doesn’t see the point in trying to put on a nice face for anyone else. they’re a little softer than they appear on the outside tho.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

they dont care much about the norm, but they’ll go along with some stuff for the sake if it being easier (although it’s not common for them). they always tend to grate against norms a little bit in general tho

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

do their own thing. they’ve always been something of an outsider, even in their own community, so they don’t see the value in trying to follow what others are doing.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

the internet doesnt exist but. no. they dont really follow fads or trends outside of their own fields, where they keep up with trends but ultimately follow their own ideas.

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

in some ways, yes-- they tend to broadcast their own aggressiveness and weirdness so that people know what they’re about and stay away if they’re not interested. other stuff they let people find out on their own, esp emotional soft spots and their occasional gentleness, etc

F: Fun1. what do they do for fun?

science! studying bugs and stuff. and they like gardening a lot, and doing science on the plants. when they were younger they went out more and also participated in some robot-fighting circles in their spare time.

2. what is their ideal party?

they’d think back to the days when they lived in gelt and there were some wild parties with fellow magitechnicians their age– nowadays they’d like something a bit more chill, but a good party for them would entail hanging out and drinking with other people/friends in their field

3. who would they have the most fun with?

mostly old school friends

4. can they have fun while conforming to rules?

not really, no– they dont have to break the law, but they’re always going to rub up against restrictions. everything is more fun when you have room to explore and make a little bit of trouble

5. do they go out a lot?

nope, they live out in the country and spend a lot of time working. they went out more often when they were young, though

G: Gorgeous1. what is their most attractive external feature?

those high cheekbones!!

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

their passion! when they care about something they Care, and it can be a little bit infectious

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

long intellectual conversations & having a friend that will 100% fight for you if you’re close enough

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

this is... not something they think about a lot, i’m not sure they are terribly introspective. but i think they like their own curiosity and novel approaches to problems, and dislike some of the issues they have interacting w others (but they dont think about it too hard)

5. what parts of others do they envy?

they’ll never admit it, but they’re jealous of people who can move through social situations with a ton of ease.

H: Heat1. do they rather a hot or cold room?

cold, they’re not a big fan of the heat

2. do they prefer summer or winter?

neither, but summer slightly more just because nature is much more active

3. do they like the snow?

it’s fine. pretty but also a pain in the ass

4. do they have a favorite summer activity?

bug huntin’! exploring nature! looking at plants and wildlife! taking notes!

5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

staying inside where it’s warm and working on projects. and they complain but they don’t entirely hate the rituals of going to see family during winter holidays

I: In-the-closet1. what is their sexuality?

bi/pan, idk if they have a preference label-wise

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

i’m not sure if they had a lot of expectations imposed on them in terms of what’s ‘normal’ sexuality-wise, but they def came to the realization of being not-straight at some point

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

im not sure they ever had a time where they didnt see themselves as non-binary, they maybe messed around w gender as a kid but fairly quickly settled on their current state of not giving a shit

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

what’s homophobia this is fantasy land

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

idk if they actually came out ever, everyone just sorta knows

J: Joy1. what makes them happy?

magitech, exploring nature, weird bugs, learning new things

2. who makes them happy?

their family, their mentor, other magitechnicians who they can talk to and share ideas w

3. are there any songs that bring them joy?

songs that their parents would sing when they were young– either as lullabies or songs their father would sing while working

4. are they happy often?

lael’s emotions go all over the place, and i don’t know if they’re truly happy super often, but they’re overall content with the shape of their life right now

5. what brings them the most joy in the world?

those moments when they’re working and finally Get something or know exactly how something needs to work

K: Kill1. have they ever thought about suicide?

not really, no

2. have they ever thought about homicide?

…..yes, but more fantasizing than intent to act on it

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who?

they would at least seriously consider it, and it’d be either their ex or whoever fucked gil up so badly

4. who would miss them if they died?

their family, a few friends

5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

hopefully no one? lael is not someone with a few friends, but while they certainly have people who dislike them, they have very few, if any, outright enemies. (to their knowledge?)

L: Lemons1. what is their favorite fruit?

they enjoy citrus but rarely get their hands on it, living in a more temperate climate. otherwise they like sour apples a lot! and blackberries

2. what is their least favorite fruit?

not a fan of pears (it’s a texture thing + they’re a bit too sweet)

3. are there any foods they hate?

not really, most of their food-dislikes are pretty mild.

4. do they have any food intolerances?

lael is lactose-intolerant! this does not stop them from consuming dairy products.

5. what is their favorite food?

they really like the beef stew the had when they were younger! they dont get it as often now tho, only when they get home

M: Maternal1. would they want a daughter or a son?

they don’t want kids

2. how many children do they want?

zero

3. would they be a good parent?

no, they’re too obsessed with work to take care of anyone else

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter?

not only do they not want kids but they are notoriously bad at naming anything and should not be allowed to do so to an actual child.

5. would they adopt?

nope.

N: Never Have I Ever1. what would they never do?

i don’t think they could ever like.... willingly submit to someone else? whether that be a god or a ruler or a boss. they might go along with them in some circumstances but they could never be truly devoted to someone above them

2. what have they never done that they want to do?

3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do?

kind of related to #1, they think it’s wild that people follow others w/o any questioning or thinking about it for themself. even w stuff as small as w/ reading a science book-- if lael has the ability to test something out for themself they will before they trust someone else’s perspective

4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done?

once tried to impress a crush by giving them a bug. it did not go well.also that one time that they got a drunken tattoo (altho i dont think they regret it-- they just don’t show it off)

5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

lael never really thought of themself as the type to be a teacher, so the fact that they want to and are going to try to teach some stuff to arabella is unexpected for them, even if they themself suggested the idea

O: Optimism1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

i think they alternate depending on the situation? they tend to be pessimistic when it comes to people and their motives, but optimistic in regards to progress/science/their own work

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

they aren’t very openly optimistic, it only really shines through when they start talking about the future of magitech or some shit

3. are they good at giving advice?

not at all! unless it’s help with a project, then maybe. dont go them to them for personal advice though-- most of the good advice they have is just verbatim from other people

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

their parents, esp their dad, are much more optimistic about things

5. were they always optimistic?

they’ve always been pretty optimistic about certain things, like magitech. but they learned pretty young to not be optimistic about others, and they became even more pessimistic in that area as time has gone on

P: Personality1. what is their best personality trait?

their intense love of knowledge and passion for their work

2. what is their worst personality trait?

they’re kind of an asshole and care very little about what others think of them, for better or worse.

3. what of their personality do others love?

dm quote: “Other magitechnicians admire their ingenuity and focus, Gil and their parents love their quiet dedication and the joy they take in their passions”

4. what of their personality do others envy?

the fact that they seem to care very little of others’ opinions of them

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

they tend to dislike others who are ‘fake’ and not straightforward with their intentions. as for themself, the fact that they do not have a lot of self control, ESPECIALLY when it comes to their shit taste in romantic partners

Q: Questions1. do they ask for help?

not often, if they can avoid it, but at the end of the day they’re more concerned w progress than pride

2. do they ask questions in class?

they’re the type of kid to ask too many questions in class, actually

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable?

they might, but they’ll generally call out the other person for asking uncomfortable questions as well

4. do they ask weird questions?

very! they did moreso as a kid, they’ve developed SOME tact now

5. are they curious?

oh yeah they’re SUPER curious about stuff, but only when it’s in their field of interest (ex: they dont care much about gossip at all, not when cool bugs exist)

R: Rules1. do they follow rules?

only when it benefits them or it aligns with their own beliefs.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent?

they would… not be a parent. but if they were, a fairly distant and laid back one.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule?

almost definitely, but mostly stuff like “taking worms inside the house” or “getting in fights w others” (rarely) or generally being a weird chaotic shit as a kid. they break less rules now but mostly bc they care about keeping their job

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking?

hm. i don’t think so. they’re not the type to have many regrets.

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

they have Thoughts about some Taliare rules that limit magitechnicians and impede progress. they also have issues w bureaucracy in general

S: Streets1. are they street-smart?

they are generally pretty good at reading others and judging their intentions, but they’ve def focused more attention on book-smarts

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

honestly? probably not, but more out of not wanting to interact with strangers than any sort of malice

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

realistically absolutely yes, once as a kid and one or two times when they were going through their first round of magitech school.

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

they probably got pickpocketed once or twice in gelt

5. are they cautious when out?

only a bit, but they’re very capable of protecting themself if it comes down to it (they’ve got a knife! and magic!)

T: Truth1. are they honest?

on principle, and sometimes to a fault

2. can they tell if someone is lying?

usually yeah, they can get a good read on others

3. is it obvious when they’re lying?

they rarely lie they, so they don’t have a ton of practice at it, and i think someone who knows them well or is pretty intuitive they’d be able to pick up on it

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about?

i don’t think they lie enough for this to be the case? it’s mostly white lies if anything

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

nope, not really.

U: Underdog1. have they been bullied?

when they were younger, yes. partially bc of being a half elf in an almost entirely human town (which made them a very easy target) and partially bc they were just a weird fucking kid

2. have they bullied anyone?

they’ve been MEAN to people but not actively bullied anyone. they did break a kid’s nose once but he deserved it.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully?

i dont think so, i think it was more teasing and ostracism. any physical attacks were pretty mild or on their possessions. i think once someone tried to get physical but they were scared off by the only other non-human in town (besides lael’s dad), an older half-orc boy named Cyrus, and they never tried to attack lael again.

4. have they ever been doubted?

i mean, yes almost definitely, altho i cant give u an example

5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

i feel like when they were young and first showed talent w magitech they surprised some ppl. also, when they lived in gelt i think the fact they knew so much about nature and medicine was unexpected to ppl who just met them, but for anyone who knew them well it wouldnt be surprising at all

V: Vomit1. do they vomit often?

not really, unless they’re sick

2. do they get lots of stomach aches?

not really, they dont eat particularly out-there food and their stomach isnt overly sensitive

3. are they good at comforting someone ill?

lael isn’t good at comforting period, they’re more the type to just go through necessary medical stuff but they do not have very good bedside manner.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes?

they like to be in a place they’re comfortable, like home, and with people that Get them, w like a nice blanket, and more physical affection than usual.

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting?

i do not know or care

W: Water1. do they drink enough water?

they probably forget while they’re working. their mom gets on them about this when they come home tho

2. have they learned to swim?

probably only the very basics, they dont live around any large bodies of water so they’re not super proficient

3. do they like to swim?

not really

4. can they dive?

o def not

5. can they swim without holding their nose?

i would hope so?

X: Xylophone1. what is their favorite genre of music?

i don’t know if they’re super up to date on music? in a modern day setting they’d be into all sorts of electronic music tho

2. do they have a favorite song?

again, not modern day so idk

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer?

not in-game, but they’d probably be very into all sorts of weird electronic music and lo-fi stuff that mixes ‘real’ sounds, like snail’s house

4. can they sing well?

oh no they’re not very good at it at all

5. can they rap?

….probably not

Y: You1. how old were you when you created them?

21! i made them this year

2. what inspired you to create them?

i figured if i was gonna play a character in a magitech universe i wanted them to be related to that in some way. basically they were created with the idea of “i want to play a character with a robot arm” and literally their entire backstory and personality is descended from that fact.

the other thing is that i was learning about biomimicry-technology in german class and i thought it’d be cool to have an engineer character that very much loved and was influenced by nature

3. were they different when they were first created?

oh i first thought that their personality would be more stoic and distant, but in reality the most core thing about their personality is how fucking passionate they are about things

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

again, i dont really love playing one character more than others, i just love them for different reasons! but lael is particularly fun to play because it’s fun to not worry much about coming off as “nice” to others, and also I Love Magic. it’s also fun to play someone so passionate about their studies and work bc i can channel myself into that!

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

man honestly it’s that aforementioned passion that they have for what they do, and their endless curiosity about how things work and how to make them better

Z: Zebra1. what’s their favorite animal?

spiders!!! they love creepy crawlys and bugs in general though

2. do they like animals?

yes but more in a scientific way than a ‘wants to have a lot of pets’ way. and it’s generally more reptiles/insects/arachnids than furry animals

3. cats or dogs?

cats

4. what’s their dream pet?

a tarantula! or a cool lizard

5. do they have any pets at the moment?

nah, but they have plants

#romanarcadia #lael

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kosmicdream · 7 years ago

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hi i just discovered your webcomic !! i very much love it a lot and i was wondering if yo could maybe clear up the worm's anatomy ? cuz like, one minute they have boobs except its referred to as a he and then it has a dick but its still a queen ? don't get me wrong its insanely cool but if you would be so kind as to enlighten me on the subject it would be very much appreciated !! keep up the good work !!

I’ve been getting a lot of new readers and I think its been a while since i’ve gotten questions about this, so I suppose I don’t mind recirculating some information again. Hopefully i can cover a little bit more of the deeper nuances about worms and their relationship to gender/sex/pronouns that i haven’t talked about before. Its best to keep in mind that pronouns and also body parts (genitals/breasts, ect) arent always indicative of gender or sex. I think this is safe to say this is true for.. even outside of my story.

**SOME SPOILERS BELOW IF YOU HAVENT READ THE ENTIRE COMIC... SORRY I RAMBLED***

Anyway-- In the case of hydragora worms (which ill focus on as they are the ones with the king/queens classifications), their pronouns are not even exactly related to their genders or sex at all! but rather the type of ‘class’ of worm they are. Technically, all worms are able to lay eggs and also fertilize them. there are no “girl” or “boy” worm. Sometimes their rituals with how this process happens are different depending on what kind of worm they are, but they are all able to shape-shift their bodies to look how they want-- well, based on what they eat-- so body parts like boobs and genitals are really just accessories. For some worms, they’re important parts of their body that help make them comfortable, for others they couldnt give a fuck about what is swinging around. it really depends on the individual. Worms can mate without even having any visible genitals just as long as they squirm around in the necessary fun fluids with some sort of .. open.. orifice to absorb it with.... worm sex can be real damn freaky i wont get into it rn.

Back to the pronouns though. What does it mean??? Well, Kings do not actually mean male and Queens do not mean female..Even though we humans generally associate these pronouns/words with male and female! To make it as simple as i can, I try to explain or ask others to think of it like..Kings (he/him) - Typical characteristics: Lazy, Important, Need to be worshipped and protected. Very sexually appealing. Also have mysterious powers. Often have little weird crowns.Queens (she/her) - Characteristics: generally very large, can regenerate, specifically hunt down kings to kill them. Super strong. Generally have cool looking tails for some reason. Very colorful because that is useful for intimidation and showing off how strong they are.Regular worms: want to worship kings + protect them, also desire to become knights. technically speaking-- i would say that the lack of pronouns is the most ‘suitable’ pronoun to describe them. some even casually adopt he/she/they pronouns but usually in the space of interacting with other species. anyway, they’re loyal and subservient. knight worms: the special king-appointed upgrade of regular worms, they often adopt he/him pronouns through this process but it is reflective of their close bond with their king. (the very simple format is thinking the three basic worm genders as LAZY, MURDER and WORSHIP.)

*ok more specific character spoilrs below YOUUUVE BEEN WARNNNED IM WARNING YOOOU ok done warning**

Some worms break from this system and try to reinvent or reinterpret pronouns for their own while still interacting with worm culture/society. A couple examples of worms that do this are Agent Paper and Nail. (although really, its hard to think what worm character in ffak does not do this lol) Paper is a woman wishes to be viewed/treated as a woman by ANY species she interacts with. But! this doesnt mean she identifies as being a queen worm however- even tho she uses she/her pronouns. She just is a female worm. That identity is important to her even if, for a worm, it is far more ‘binary’ way of thinking than worms typically exhibit. Other worms will probably view her as a wanna-be-human or close minded. But just because the majority of worms are very fluid in many aspects of their gender/bodies/identity/sexuality doesn’t mean paper has to conform to this fluidity as well. The idea of a ‘Binary Gender’ for worms is typically very confusing (or an example of someone who is misinformed) to those who understand that worms generally do not adhere to a binary system. Especially for a worm who is NOT trying to disguise themselves as a human and integrate with human society (Aka, like Dylan who mostly interacts with humans and generally tries to remove herself from worm culture/society completely. Dylan does not even WANT to be considered a worm while paper still LOVES being a worm and associating herself with worms. shes just a woman worm. dylan is a woman. just not a worm woman. she will begrudgingly accept she is still technically a worm, but the identity of woman is less important to her and is more just the default of being viewed as a cis lady by humans and dylan is like ‘yeah whatevs’.)Nail is a queen worm, which typically have she/her pronouns, but he goes by he/him pronouns and also is fairly assertive of that. However, this doesnt mean he is a man or wishes to be viewed a ‘Man’ or ‘Male' (specifically) or even as a “King.” its more like... his own interpretation of what he/him means, which is about authority, dominance and most importantly: power. If he would pick a ‘binary gender sort of thing’ (while rolling his eyes bc he thinks its stupid while also thinking its important enough to get annoyed at when people dont respect his pronouns) he would pick being a man and would vehemently reject being viewed as a woman, but in a more deeper level that is not actually how he sees his he/him pronouns as a man thing. (even between being NB/male/female he would still pick man because that just seems ‘direct to the point.’ and satisfying) He also generally rejects the label of Queen worm too, but will begrudgingly or unenthusiastically accept that he is one. He is also considered an ‘odd’ queen because he is very small in stature and generally has muted colors of browns/tans instead of flashy ones. He has been teased at this too that he wasnt QUEEN enough by being so small and puny lmao.

To backtrack a little, As worms integrate with human society, or even hekatons (which that species also mimics a lot of human society), they will often adopt the ideology and system of how pronouns are used. Or at least, will be forced to process how other species will view them based on the shared language of using the same words, despite it meaning many different things... to not only groups of people but also on the individual level. I think thats an important thing to consider that there are many different dynamics, interpretations and journeys interacting all at once and influencing each other and are constantly evolving and branching out. Even the lines between what is a king/queen/other worms really ARE is blurry because its all on a spectrum of.. various physical characteristics and behaviors.

And to go into EVOLUTION and BLURRY LINES... As we can see with a worm like, Jacket for example... while he is specifically NOT a king, he is also more like a unique blend of features from queens/regular worms and also knights. because he WANTS to be a knight he already uses he/him pronouns despite not actually having a king already and hasnt even gone through the specific knighting process. Jacket sees He/him as words that mean total loyalty to the king. Whoever the king is. And if someone were to try to put him in a specific box of queen/king/knight/regular worm they would be unable to place him b/c he is something else unique entirely. and while jacket uses he/him pronouns i think at the core of it he literally does not give a fuck about language at all, or genders, or labels. those are all nonsense things. he relies only on instinct and desire.

Phew. ok I could ramble on and describe every one of my worm characters, but I’ll leave it at there for now. Crimson is even more confusing bc she is a fucking hybrid human/mandragora worm, using a goddamn hydragora body, and has like 2 other clone heart selves and all this other fucking bullshit. i have been writing this for like an hour. lmao

I hope some of this is communicates at least, its a little difficult to orchestrate and articulate all the levels operating here at once in a simple-to-digest manner. the fun thing about ffak at least is that if you dont want to think about this stuff you dont really have to--although id think it enriches the experience a bit.

#ffak faq #ffak #feast for a king #paper #dylan #nail #jacket #hydragora worm #this is long as fuck #tethys-dimensional

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herestheteaig · 4 years ago

Text

What should I do??

Hi, I don’t really know if anyone will see this but I'm gonna try, just incase. If you do choose to respond, you can be as brutally honest & unbiased as you’d like, I’m not easily offended.

I am f19, and have been in a relationship with m18 for almost 6 years. For the sake of his privacy lets call him Joe.

lets call me Mina.

Backstory:

- Joe & I have been together since we were 13, we went to the same secondary school & college (for Americans, same middle school & high school)

- we had been close friends since we were like 11, very visibly super close friends in school.

- when we started dating at the end of our second year, we spent the entire summer together.

- when we got back he just... pretended I didn't exist????

- like tf?

- anyway, we were still hanging out outside of school, but my school separate the year based on grades in third year, so I was placed in X and he was placed in Y, therefore we had 0 classes together

- though, in the corridors, at lunch, at break, etc, he’d pretend I didn't exist???

- he also told me not to tell anyone we were dating???

- this lasted maybe 2 years? until I got really mad and he started acknowledging me in our final year of secondary school & people knew we were dating.

- his mum ended up convincing me to apply to the same college as him, we did different courses so rarely saw each other, but occasionally took the train together on one of our mutual starting times.

- now, I go to university about 2 hours away from our hometown and live there, he doesn’t go to university at all.

the catfish:

- of course the initial: “don’t tell anyone we’re dating”

- when I was still 13, I did something SUPER childish, though no regrets and made a fake iMessage account so he’d think someone was texting him.

- I used Loren Gray’s picture because this boy had NO social medias, he was SO anti it.

- anyway, pretended I had gotten his number on Facebook, and that I had seen him at athletics (he’s an athlete) and I thought he was attractive and asked if he had a girlfriend

- then we went through this long “no I don't” “jk I do” back and forth bullshit.

- oh he also didn't tell me about her until I said she had messaged me, but whatever idc but that's the first piece of info.

Sabrina:

- next, I must've been 15?? idk exactly how old I am

- I do not and have NEVER cared who my boyfriend talks to, girl, boy, non-binary, whatever, I don't give a shit.

- so I'm on his phone, taking snapchats to save to his memories and I kept seeing this girls name pop up.

- let’s call her Sabrina.

- I had noticed he talks to her a LOT, but he never had mentioned her, but eh its whatever... probably just one of his friends, right?

- I used to just message his friends on his phone so I went onto her chat intending to be like “heyyyy bro, nice to meet you my name is Mina, do you wanna be friends?”

- but I'm seeing messages talking about: “what age would you have sex?”

- side note: he and I both lost our virginities when we were 15, later this year but at this point we had both been “handsy” down there???

- anyway she says “18″, he says “you know its legal at 16 tho right?

- “yeah, but still 18″

- “why not 16″

- whatever I don't remember the entire convo.

- so I was like hmm this is a bit sus and scrolled up to see their messages.

- “do you have a girlfriend” “no” “actually yes” “im joking, no.”

- so im like wait what???

- anyway, I don't mention it for like 7 months? he denies it before saying what he said was innocent and he was just curious in a friendly way.

- I let it go.

Kendall:

- I was probably 16 or almost 17 at this point

- again, for privacy, we’ll call this girl Kendall.

- Kendall and I have a mutual friend, we’ll call her Tiana.

- Tiana and I were best friends.

- One day, Tiana messaged me and said hey, my friend Kendall was speaking to Joe & realised wait isn't that Mina’s boyfriend and sent me these screenshots as soon as she realised.

- I had probably seen her name in his recent chats but didn't care enough to ask about it.

- anyway, the screenshots were just him being super flirty with emojis? like sounds childish but you know what I mean.

- and he was joking about “go to bed its past your bed time” and she was like “no why are you chatting, you’re up too”

- then. THEN. THIS BOI HAS THE AUDACITY.

- “shush and listen to your daddy”

- wHAT.

- I immediately confront him and he denies knowing anyone of that name at first, before saying oh I didn't mean it like that, it was like a mum/ dad joke we have

- so again, I let it go

Adrien:

- back in school, my maths teacher sent myself and this boy to the study area which is an open space in the school, visible from all levels.

- lets call him Adrien.

- note: adrien and I were both quite smart and in top set for most classes, our surnames are next to eachother on the register so were often seated beside each other.

- we were very very close FRIENDS

- so we’re doing work, chatting a bit- whatever

- at some point, he jokingly pushes my head away, idk what I said, I do not remember.

- note: the entire school is IN CLASS.

- a few seconds later, I feel my phone vibrate, sneak it out of my pocket to see a text from Joe: “why is Adrien touching your face?”

- I look around and no ones there, anyway he still gets mad about it now.

Other stuff:

- he used to threaten to kill himself if i broke up with him

- or if we were arguing he��d say he can do this anymore, imply suicide, the leave his phone for ages and get super mad if I contacted his sister or mum to find out if he was safe.

- sometimes i’d see him joking around on his sisters snapchat story when I'm panicking because he said he’d kill himself.

- I'm not materialistic, but the fact that he rarely would get me bday/xmas presents was kinda upsetting. (he has a lot of money, my family is broke but I make the BIGGEST deal out of xmas and his bday and everything)

- would work extra hours so he’d feel so so spoiled on xmas and his bday.

- once he got me just a xmas themed toilet roll on Christmas, last year he gave me a small jar of vegan candies.

- I think he acknowledged valentines day twice in our relationship?

- which was sad because pre-relationship, valentines was my fave day of the year & I'd hand out heart shaped chocolates to everyone at school.

- often blames his mental health on me.

- will cut me off and then act like I'm the one not listening to HIS problems.

- if another guy has a crush on ME, then he gets mad at me?

- every boy in my college class admitted to having a crush on me at some point, awkward but my course was reliant on group projects so I couldn't just block them??? they all knew I had a bf

Extra:

- I have never orgasmed ONCE in my entire life... rip

- when I say he is ACTUALLY jealous, I mean like ACTUALLY jealous of me having a crush on like... cartoon characters?? (& also anime characters)

- has said sexist and transphobic things, that I DRAGGED him for.

- I think he's very manipulative and also immature.

- hates that I'm smart

- HATES that my love language is acts of service. like HATES it.

- there's more but I won't bore you.

mini story:

- we went to Paris for my 18th birthday.

- he tried to break up with me right before because “he feels like shit compared to other guys”

- I was crying down the phone (I never ever cry) begging him to reconsider

- we went to Paris, it was nice.

- note: we also had sex there

- and then we get back and he says: “I hated you the entire time” and other stuff but I don't remember

this is according to him:

- I think I'm right all the time and think im little miss perfect

- I put in no effort

- I do not listen

- I just need to realise that all my male friends are only my friends because they want to fuck me.

- I do not care about anything

- I assume things

- I compare him to other guys????

- I make him feel like shit

(his words, though I disagree)

- we have been in a relationship for almost 6 years

- he’s my friend

- I love his family so much, I've watched his nephew grow up and I text his sister and I just love them.

- though he isn’t my type on paper, I do find him attractive

- we have somewhat similar kinks

- my family seem to like him

- not gonna lie, we’d make cute babies.

- we both enjoy sports and also he sometimes plays video games with me (I'm an avid gamer, I twitch stream and play PC, PS4 & Switch, he sometimes will play fortnite or Mario kart with me)

- we have this cute cheerleader/ athlete thing which I like

- oh, right, pls don't judge this but its important to me to raise my children plant-based until they're old enough to decide for themselves- he isn't plant-based but is 100% onboard which is very important to me.

- has done cute things for me before like turn up at my house with my fave candy or buy an extra pack of gum/ drink for me.

- this sounds irrelevant, but I DO love to party/rave but I do not drink alcohol, I actually have a weird phobia of it, though I would 100% get high

- Joe and I both do not drink and although that's not something id look for in a s/o, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one lmao.

- my first & only relationship

ANWYAY, we’ve been arguing for months, if you see this what do you think I should do? would it be overreacting to break up? I would still wanna be his friend because I care but I dunno what to do

#advice #i need help #relationship #toxic #toxic relationship #please help #relationship advice #help #send help

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blackvail22 · 4 years ago

Text

13 october 2020

today was a good day. i completed a lot of what i needed to, even if it took awhile for me to do it. it get distracted easily, but i still got it all done in time.

my cat scratched me while i was sleeping :( it’s not super bad, but it still stings. all well... she’s lucky she’s cute, so i can’t be mad at her (i wouldn’t be upset regardless)

oh! also, do you mind me swearing? i usually do it a lot, but i dont know if i have done it a lot while doing these, and i want to make sure if you’re comfortable with it so i know whether i am able to say them or not

ranting... dont have to read :)

it’s late night, and i’m thinking about myself and my identity, who i am. i feel like my sexual orientation can’t be defined because no label fits what i’ve always known i’m attracted to. i explain my sexuality the same way i did four years ago, but the labeling was difficult for me. since i was outted by my sister when i was still learning who i am, i was forced to come out to my parents. and then again. and again... and i had to explain to them my orientation, but they dont believe me, and blah blah. so, coming out to them again would be a disaster, i think. i would like to try when i am ready, though. i think i am apart of the unlabeled community. some identify this way because either 1. dont know their identity yet, and will use this first and will later come out again, but not all do 2. some believe labels invalidate them, and having no label of who they are attracted to makes them more comfortable and validated and 3. no umbrella term defines their sexuality 100% (like me). let me break this down because i dont think i explained my sexuality very well to you before. i am attracted all ways but sexual to women, and i am attracted to men emotionally. does that makes sense? that’s all i know so far... i havent had experience with non-binaries, but they are valid to me as well, and i believe i’d be attracted to them too. i think being unlabeled is the identity i will be sticking with. i’m certain that its the term that fits me best. i know this is such a weird thing to talk about. it’s 2:25am, and this is what im ranting about. anyway, if you read all of this... ahh, tell me. please? or not, you dont have to, if you dont have a comment about it all. anyway, i’m going to go to sleep now. goodnight :)

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beebosbitchh · 7 years ago

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1-10 I love hearing your answers :)

aw thank you :’-)

1. Name one way you break the wlw stereotype. (Fat, trans, poc, autistic, etc)

im non binary !

2. Who was the first girl you remember having feelings for?

hmm i think i had them when i was younger i just didnt think about it? the first one i remember was in 7th grade with this girl in my home ec and gym class.. i think i mostly liked her bc i didnt know many other gays and i knew she was one but she was/is really pretty like how.. also is 7th grade there was this girl in my computers class i sat by who, thinking back on it, i wanted to date lol. we werent super close but i always felt safe with them and their personality was just,, goodd ya know

3. What’s your opinion on the butch/femme labels? Do you think they’re harmful?

i think with any label they arent harmful if you assign them to yourself? like i dont see any harm in them as long as no one is forcing anyone into a box… i hadnt even considered this i havent seen any discourse on it before ig i dont really know

4. Do you have a girlfriend?

hellllll yeahhhh

5. Define love in 5 words or less

didnt they tellyou whothe donorwas?

6. What characteristics do you look for in a girl?

mmmmmmm gay, good humor, interesting, willingly to date me/be seen w me in public

7. Do you participate in LGBTQ clubs and events?

i used to be in gsa but its kinda weird at my school :-/, the place where i work has an art workshop for lgbt teens that i might try to be in this year

8. Are you out to anyone outside of tumblr?

yeah my parents know and for the most part idc who knows at school.. im not out to my extended family as far as i know…

9. Say some things you love about your crush/girlfriend?

uhh everything? i love when claire explains skyrim to me its v cute, i love when she watches pg movies with me, i love her freckles and her nose n her lips n braces n eyes n eyelashes that point down that annoy her (but its cute soo), i love her laugh especially when shes delirious which is a lot, i love her hands which she draws on or gets paint on (that i !!! get to hold !!!1!), i love when she hears smt that doesnt make sense so she looks at me w a weird face like ???, i love when she smiles!!!!!!!! , i love how she makes sure i stay on the sidewalk when im third wheeling, i love how she puts stickers on me throughout the day, i love how vocal she can get when shes around more or friends bc shes v quiet around people shes uncomfortable w, i love that she smells good and i can literally tell if shes near me its such a comfort, i love when she sends w good memes or pictures of dogs she meets ..

fellas is it gay, to be a huge lesbian ????????

10. Do you want to get married?

binch do i !

#long post #asks #txt

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bitter-bitchbites · 7 years ago

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Genuine question, if being trans isn't seen as a medical condition isn't that a bad thing? Insurance wouldn't cover life saving surgeries/hormones, so isn't that detrimental and against the trans communities interests?

“fair” point in theory, but you’re not seeing the matter from the right angle, because you got a transantagonistic and cissexist bias.

being trans isn’t a medical condition and it does not inherently implies medical care.

transitioning does. like, yeah, hrt, surgeries, stuff that some trans people need so their dysphoria stop beating them in a metaphorical bloody pulp, because they need their body changed so they stop feeling so suicidal. insurance should cover that, because yeah, their mental health and life depend on it.

and no, the “trans” isn’t short for “transitionning”. it’s short for “transgender”, that was thought to contrast with “cisgender”, and “trans” has the sense of “crossing to the other/another side here, while “cis” means staying on the same side one starts on, more or less. that’s ancient greek, i think. so being trans isn’t defined by transitionning. transitionning is a choice, and sometimes it’s not, because sometimes it’s the only solution to not break because of dysphoria.

because of course, dysphoria is also its own medical thing, it’s a mental disorder, that can cause depression, self harm, self hatred, and suicidal urges.

but not every trans person has deadass terrible dysphoria that we can’t deal with without changing our bodies at a high price. some have mild dysphoria, that they can deal with haircuts, different clothes, and shaping their bodies in one they like themselves as and all. sometimes it’s bargaining because they can’t afford surgery, but sometimes, they just don’t feel like they need surgery. and yeah im mainly talking about nb trans ppl, altho there gotta be binary trans ppl who are like that too. i just know that it’s smtg we nb ppl often feel like.

nonbinary ppl show that (hence why transmedicalists aka truscums hate us, tho idk why they care so much about pathologizing us and themselves). we don’t always hate our body. there are trans ppl, nb or not, that don’t suffer dysphoria, because dysphoria isn’t smtg you’re born with, it’s a disorder that’s caused by a bad environment that triggers it.

extreme example, imagine a trans boy who’s forced at age 0 into pink dresses, pink shoes, pink hats, drinks from pink cups, in a pink chair, sleeps in a pink bed, in a pink room. and he’s said “you’re a girl girly girl” all the time, goes to dancing class because “that’s what girls do”, is put on make up cuz “that’s what girls like” and can’t put on pants cuz “that’s not a girl thing”. forced in a cissexist bs mold. a nightmare. it’s not that that makes him a boy, he was a boy at age 0, regardless or circumstances; but he grew in an environment he could not be comfortable exploring his identity and questioning his assigned gender. and that’s going to worsen his already possible dysphoria.

but being trans isn’t what’s going to make him break down and slap his abusive mother with that fucking pink violin, and run away to live with his bf in the next state raising cats, no, that’s his anger caused by the hurt of his many mental illnesses, dysphoria being one of them.

being trans doesn’t cause pain. it’s dysphoria’s fault. and not every trans person has dysphoria, and sometimes nb ppl have dysphoria, and sometimes not and they’re still trans, and some trans ppl’s dysphoria goes away at some point. but being trans doesn’t.

and take me for example. i have dysphoria. had it since i was 10. im a demigirl. that’s a nb(trans) woman identity. but i don’t wanna change my body with surgery. i don’t want to take away parts of myself, because i got enough of that, and i want to love my body. so instead i wanna add stuff, like letting my body hair do its thing, and not wearing bras and getting muscles, and asking ppl to use they/them for me, and not try and push me into being whatever tf they think a cis girl does. and that, plus mental work on my image, helped me tone down my dysphoria. maybe i’ll see if i can get hormones, if it doesn’t turn out i already have pocs. i was sick because of my dysphoria. not because im trans.

there’s a lot of cases like this that are weird and hard to understand, maybe, but they all point to one thing: the problem is dysphoria and other mental illnesses caused by being misgendered and abused.

i wanna be trans. i like that. it’s good, it’s me, it helps me, the community is mostly nice, im at peace with that label, and i don’t want to have it taken off. because that’s what it’d mean, to see transidentity as a medical condition. it’s be an illness. something to correct, to fight, to destroy. i don’t want to fight myself. neither does the majority of trans ppl.

so no, not pathologizing transidentity isn’t anywhere near detrimental to the trans community. because we still have valid problems that deserve specific attention, we still have dysphoria, we still want to transition, and we deserve the health care that we need to cope with cissexist abuse. the problem isn’t being trans. it’s the environment, the ppl, the society we live in. and doctors already know that. they don’t allow you to get hrt on insurance because you’re trans. they do because they dx you have dysphoria. that’s literally how they decide if we deserve to get the treatment we know we need. sometimes they won’t even dx ppl with dysphoria that they have dysphoria, because they’re “too mentally ill for that”, or “too sane to be trans”. and hormones don’t even cost as much as we gotta pay them. the prices are artificially inflated, like most medicines, because a compagny own them.

trans ppl don’t need to be pathologized to get the issues linked to our marginalized identity acknowledged. insurance would/should cover surgery and hrt regardless of what ppl think being trans is. because when we say we got a fucking problem or need things, we should be listened.

we would be, if our society cared. we wouldn’t be pathologized if our governments weren’t cissexist trans-hating little shits.

another example, a comparison this time. being afab isn’t an illness. but we still need medical attention, like detecting breast and uterus cancers, or other gyneacological treatment that can be a matter of life and death. and to that, you add the mental baggage caused by being in a mysoginistic cissexist patriarchy. sounds like worth being covered by insurance, uh? well not to many pseudo-civilized countries, but to the happiest on earth, it does, and it works. and yet being afab, especially a cis woman, isn’t an illness, or a curse.

because yeah, we also used to think that women were inherently sick and taht they needed men’s guidance and validation to be allowed to live, it’s just the same fucking mentality, but applied to trans ppl, with cis ppl.

we’re not the correct gender, we don’t even perform it correctly, so we’re not worth being cared and listened to.

that’s victim blaming. that’s putting ppl under oppression, making them grow in a toxic environment they can’t escape from because it’s their very identity that’s thought to be inherently hostile, and we tell them it’s their fault. that they’re sick and that’s it.

considering being trans a medical condition is fucking murder. you’re placing the power in cis ppl’s hands doing that, because that means we’re to be corrected, and only them can do that. it also gatekeeps from getting treatment. it also misplaces the blame on our identity when it should be on our oppression.

being transmedicalist is allyship to the cistem. that’s believing the lie they made up to say we only deserve care if we accept that we’re sick, and to be ashamed.

im repeating myself, but insurance should cover our treatments for our dysphoria, and let us do what we wish of our bodies and identity as we endanger no one. nobody is allowed to call us ill for what we are while ignoring what we suffer of. we should get at least partially insurance covered surgery and hrt and completely insurance covered when we have dysphoria. it’s possible. spain does it, in good enough conditions. yeah, spain, the catholic country that was still a royalist dictatorship fourty years ago. and france too, can do the insurance coverage, even if it’s harder because you need psychiatric approval first, which is bs and intrusive.

we aren’t sick for being trans, we deserve to be listened on our terms, that’s not a fleeting dream, and that’s not up to debate.

and we’re going to change shit so we can get that.

#tw abuse #tw misgendering #tw dysphoria #transphobia #cissexism #trans stuff #fuck truscums #lgbtqiap #🐯the bitch talks

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lexgivesgayadvice · 4 years ago

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Ello lex! I'm ella she/her and i date a guy (he/him) for almost 3 years. They told me they are actually non binary (and pansexual), now their pronouns are they/them (the gender transition is a part of the situation so i had to explain it here). So, they decided to post in social media about their gender bc of the pride month, and to wear clothes that are considered feminine, and my homophobic family is freaking out. My mother and my aunt are saying that they'll cheat on me w/ a man or fall in love with a man and leave, and that i will be seen by people as a bisexual woman (wich i actually am lol but will never tell, i do not feel comfortable telling anyone rn). Anyways, i am still dealing with this (when they wear a skirt i feel kinda weird with the looks people give us :( and idk if i feel the same attraction to them wearing more "feminine" clothes so im getting used to their new style, im trying my best to be the nicest gf to them bc i love them) and replacing the pronouns/nicknames. So, when my family members started to talk to me negatively about this and to dissaprove my relationship, i cried a lot. It has been days in a row of hearing b*llshit. Too much going on right now, i feel drained by my mom's thoughts about this, and her pressure. I dont EVER want to break up with them bc they are the love of my life. Any thoughts on what i should do to bring our lives some peace? Have a nice day <3

Hello Ella!!!! I'm so so sorry that your family is being absolutely terrible about this. I can't even imagine what that must be like and I'm really proud of you for sticking by your partner and trying to be as supportive as you can while dealing with your own set of crap.

This is a tough one. I don't know how old you are, but I'm going to assume you're still financially dependent/live with your parents, which makes things harder - it's not like you can just up and leave!

The thing to note about your family is that even though they are terribly, horribly wrong, they believe they are telling you what is best for you. I think maybe your best bet is to use that as a jumping-off point for a serious conversation: "Mom, I know you love me and just want me to have a good relationship, but I’m really happy and in love with [person] and your constant pressure is tearing me down. Can you please try to support that this is what I want right now even if you don't completely understand their identity?" The unfortunate fact is that you're probably not going to get your family waving rainbow flags and cheering for you, but it sounds like they think they're trying to help you, so perhaps if you make them understand that your partner makes you happy and your family is making you miserable, they'll at least care about you enough to back off and keep their homophobia to themselves.

If you know it's going to be hard to have that conversation without interruption or you're afraid of messing it up, what about an email or a letter? That would also give whatever family members you'd like to talk to some time to process what you're saying. Make it clear to them that they have a choice: either step back and let you be happy with someone you love, or continue making you miserable and afraid to talk to them or trust them. (Guilt the hell out of them! They deserve it!) And maybe it's worth explaining that your partner hasn't really changed on the inside - they've just found a better way of expressing their identity. If your family liked them before, they have no reason not to like them now, because they're the same person!

And if your family refuses to be understanding enough to value your well-being over their homophobia, you may just have to be forceful. "I already told you that I don't want to hear any more of this because it's making me really upset. Please leave me alone." Say that as many times as you need. If you can remain calm and mature, then your family members are a lot more likely to take you seriously. And if it gets really really overwhelming, do you have another trusted adult in your life? Maybe a guidance counselor or a teacher or even a supportive family friend would listen and have some advice for you or be willing to reach out to your mom and explain to her that her pressure is affecting you very deeply and very negatively.

I hope that helps, my lovely friend!!! Stay strong - you're doing so well and I'm so so proud of you for being a supportive girlfriend. Best of luck to you and your partner as you navigate this challenging situation 💚🌈

#advice #gay advice #lgbt advice #lgbtq advice #lgbt #lgbtq #pansexual #bisexual #nonbinary #trans #my dear ella anon you are so strong!#you will get through this #and i hope that your family will respect your happiness in the end

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vee-blackwell · 7 years ago

Text

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the “Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.

#vee's pathetic little life #i'm too tired to tag much #it's just depression talk so #you know. avoid it if you want #long post #text heavy

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