#also im not buying any new monster to be clear! we got a flat last time we went shopping but its lasted longer than everything else

[leafmealonetodecay]

do you think I can live off of monster energy and the handful of blackberries I collect on the walk to and from school?

[soundof-rain]

Journey with spirituality pt.3

So where do we go now that I’ve so bravely confronted my mommy demon and agreed on leaving this hell hole? Well immediately after the whole debacle I called another older brother of mine, the one who lived in California that wanted so badly for me to move out there with him, and told him probably the best news he could’ve heard that day, I was finally coming out there with him. I explained the whole situation to him and expressed that this was my only option so it was no way for me to flake or chicken out this time and he was completely excited to hear that since his earlier proposals fell short and got lost in the wind, plus he’s been trying to “save” me ever since he left and settled in Cali lol. Everything was moving oh so fast at this point it was literally the first day of september 2020 and I now had until september 30th to be packed and gone, I was really about to move my entire life across the world, everything i’ve ever known being left in my dust; it was all so surreal the people and places i’ve been surrounded by my entire life would be apart of me no longer, I was so ready yet oh so scared, this would be my first time on a plane for one but more importantly my first time being on my own completely. Sure i’ve always felt alone and may have always been alone as in isolated but there were always familiar people somewhere around no matter how far , this time I would be completely alone in a place I have no idea about. The whole process of me starting a new life didn’t immediately hit me right away I simply shrugged it off telling myself this is the new start i’ve always wanted and i’m ready for it but I was ignoring the part of me that was actually worried and scared shitless about how everything would even turn out. I spent a lot of my days with my best friend& favorite nephew just trying to create a few more lasting memories before everything changed because I just knew deep in my gut, I had the undeniable feeling that everything for sure was going to change, nothing would be the same. I also spent a lot of my time grieving the death of who I used to be and my old life, sometimes a wave of realization and sadness would sweep over me and I would just cry and cry and cry because I just couldn’t wrap my head around this being my life for real but it was for sure my life and for sure happening. That month seemed to fly by in a blur for the most part the only memorable thing was the last party - or small get together really I would be attending for a long time, the year older than me brothers birthday , we drank and smoke the night away ; So much so that I spent the night in a blur, I remember everything that happened but my mind was off somewhere else the entire time I didn’t laugh nor talk, just sat staring at everyone else. I would be leaving in a week, seven days and I would probably never see these faces again for a very very long time. The days leading up to my departure where hectic to say the least, I tried so hard to relax but  of course I could never catch a break silly me to even think I could, I spent my last week stress packing trying to clear my room and get everything worth taking fitted in my luggage and dealing with yet another situation my dear year older brother got himself into, sigh. It came to a point where I became too fed up with all the runaround and bullshit that I flat out told my brother I am not responsible for him nor his problems and that he was being a major inconvenience to me whether he knew it or not, I was trying to relax and prepare myself for this shift but instead im being burdened with his issues, I explained to him that I’m no longer his support system nor his problem solver he would have to be that for his own self and be a big boy now, its about fucking time he did so and too my surprise he completely understood. I felt bad for saying that to him but I also felt relieved that I got it off my chest and was able to speak up for myself and my needs as well as create boundaries THAT’S GROWTH! I immediately burst into tears when he was gone though because I was completely overwhelmed with everything going on and surprise surprise to add to my stress I had a phone interview scheduled for not too long after my mental breakdown that I would have to be completely sober and attentive for, go me for actually holding my composure and getting through the interview (and getting the job), this was day three before I had to leave. The next two days went by in a blink, the day before I left I spent one last night with my bestfriend watching movies and eating her cooking for the last time and she did my hair for the last time before I set off to start my new life, it was emotional of course but I was a big girl I could handle it , there was no talk within the family only my sister, her boyfriend and children buying me a cake and leaving me with a departing gift ; they were the only ones to say goodbye to me, not my mother who again was present in the entire thing but decided she wanted to go lay down instead nor any other family members. It actually amuses me every time I tell the story so, another one of my older brothers that I don’t claim is completely greedy, a full food monster! so he saw the cake and got excited asking my sister did she buy the cake, she responded yeah it was for me leaving tomorrow and he said oh with nothing more to add to it , come to find out he wanted and got a piece of MY goodbye cake and never uttered a goodbye to me barely even looked my direction lmao the disrespect and fuckery. 

Fast forward now i’m on the first plane and my stomach dropped, as I sat in my seat and prepared for the instructions I began to cry a little because it hit me again- this is really real , this is really happening. It’s crazy how all of these events transpired in a seven month time frame, all of this healing, having unwavering faith in spirit as well as the complete unknown and pushing past self inflicted boundaries now allowed me to be free from the shackles of my old house and home state, to be free from the toxicity that plagued my life and held me so far down, I was now on my first step to becoming my own person without the influence of anyone else involved and boy did it feel good. I knew my healing wasn’t over but it’s safe to say I wasn’t exactly prepared for the next three months. ~