#also if this reads as shit or i wanna add more ill edit it later cause im sleep depreived rn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nenastrology · 4 years ago

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hi, i love every opinion you have about naruto! which is why i would love to know what your top shōnens and shōjos are because im in need of good recommendations and i trust you (if you can, please, write the names without acronyms because half of the time i don't know what animes or mangas you are talking about afdjdkfn)

ok this got fucking massive cuz i dont know how to shut up so ill just shove this under a readmore cuz im not answering this at 4am when the dash is dead

jksdfjkadfs;l thank u!! i am so sorry i do love to use acronyms um my top shounen are ok lets talk about togashi stuff first cuz they are a duo and i love both dearly hunter x hunter and yu yu hakusho which if u love naruto and havent seen those like u really should lol the inspiration is truly all over it hxh is pretty slow to start if hunter exams bores you never fear it does get better lol and then yyh has a nearly polar opposite start where the first episode just directly slaps you in the face with information and character dark tournament might be a bit weird if u arent into tournament arcs and its very long but i truly adore the yyh characters then of course fullmetal alchemist god i really am obsessed with acronym use i was about to just type fma before realizing wait you just said acronyms confuse you lol im a bit of an annoying manga purist about it and if u have seen the anime but not read the manga i really do think its worth checking out the manga.. obviously i enjoy naruto and u have seen that so lol um ok final super evil recommendation i really do need to stress DONT WATCH ANY OTHER PART OF THIS SHOW ITS MUCH MUCH WORSE.. but jojo part 4 diamond is unbreakable is genuinely a goddamn joy and tho its a bit confusing watching it without the context of a few of the characters and trying to figure out the complicated stand rules and like the first couple episodes are suuuuper slow its very much a self contained experience and almost everything can be answered just by googling character names if ur confused who somebody is lol or genuinely if u do wanna watch it i can just tell u all the relevant context lol im sure im leaving things out here and ill kick myself later or maybe just edit and add some stuff

ok this is getting long onto the shoujo part which i gotta say is a bit more of a loaded question here lol because ive definitely not gotten into as much shoujo as shounen and well the first thing my mind goes to isnt something i necessarily would recommend to people lol ok so top two tho theyre more deconstructions of the genre in well wildly different ways lol revolutionary girl utena and gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun.. utena is like well its just fucking crazy and gay and deals with a lot of serious topics of abuse and trauma that can be kinda hard to watch but is extremely good and if it sounds good you should absolutely watch it tho obviously with warning and then gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun my biggest recommendation to like just put a smile on your face and like improve your day its like a funny riff on shoujo tropes with a fun group of friends who help with their friend who actually writes shoujo manga comedy super fun love it only downside is how short the anime is because i want more!!! ok ok thing i cannot deny loving but also i have a very complicated relationship with is fruits basket like it really does have some fucked up shit in it some unbelievably creepy massive age gap relationships it really does just portray as like fine.... which truly boggles my mind because so much of the rest of the story is about how power can be used to harm and abuse people but clearly that did not sink into miss natsuki takayas brain now did it... like genuinely some of the character arcs about healing from all sorts of terrible things and the importance of relationships and god tohru and kyos whole love story really is so good like its a very unfortunate mixture of terrible shit and really really wonderful things i havent really been able to match in anything else so its like massive warning and disclaimer lol and if u watch the anime well... let me tell u theres a big storm coming and season 3 really is just gonna pack all the worst parts in there i also truly dont know how it would play to someone who didnt just get permanently brain damaged by fruits basket at age 12 dfjkfa;jls im sorry this is such a small list i really do need to like read/watch more shoujo nana and rose of versailles i will watch u eventually......

i realize i mostly listed extremely well known stuff so im not sure how helpful this will be but since u said u dont recognize most of my acronyms i will assume theres some stuff u havent seen here and i may update with more if i think of stuff i am pretty sleep deprived lol also if u do get into fruits basket im personally sorry

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outragedslime · 5 years ago

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I'm not that anon and neither am I against meat Roxy but some people don't seem to like that iteration bc of the widely accepted reading of Roxy as a transfeminine character. Idk how much of it is canon-supported and how much is just hcs tho

I mean if ppl liked transfem roxy then go ahead but. I like transmasc roxy and making me tag my own art in a way that lets people blacklist my art out from my blog makes me Super uncomfy. Like?? If u dont like it just unfollow me or if u dont wanna see my art in the roxy tag u can block me its not that deep... idk how to phrase this well but ive so many thoughts abt this. Again ill say i woke up almost 22 hrs ago so im v sleepy so i might phrase things wrong but here we go (also sorry for rambling here but i rly wanna get this out bc its been bothering me for ages and im!! Upset! This big rant isnt specific @ u this is like in general i wanted to type it in a post anyway but i was scared but fuck it ykno.) Id do a read more but im on mobile ill edit it later

Like we all agree that its bad to erase canon gay charas right? So like...why is it g to erase canon trans characters. Like yeah it was a popular headcanon but like......?? Headcanons get deconfirmed sometimes it happens??? It makes me feel like having a woman hc for roxy is more important than having a transmasc canon, which is. A constant self doubt of mine like i worry people will see me as lesser bc im trans and ive also seen it happen! So thats not very nice! To see the fandom treat a canon trans character as "lesser" bc theyre not trans in the way they want!

Also roxy is literally the only positive transmasc character ive ever seen in any piece of media. Ever. So that adds to it. The amnt of ppl who i seen say shit like "give her back u dont deserve her" like? That shit hurts!! Im sorry but it does! Constantly being told that a character being revealed as transmasc is "not worth it" is one of the things that makes me wanna leave the hs fandom bc holy shit!! Thats so transphobic!

Roxy is also rly rly important to me bc ive never seen a canon nb character who uses he/him either and like! I never saw rep lile that! If ur srsly mad abt transmasc roxy and want to be able to filter him out bc u prefer a different hc pls take a step back and look at urself and see how that can be transphobic. Like u can recognise that a character was important to u and like... be mature enough that u dont make ppl feel like shit when they now vibe w that same character? I used to hc transmasc vriska and i drew a few super self indulgent drawings that i didnt post publically and it was a Super important hc to me but i wouldnt draw that again now that vriskas confirmed transfem bc im not an asshole? If u see a trans character and ur first thought is "theyre not trans in the Better way though so i hate this and will make it clear to the people who like this that i hate this" thats transphobic.

Do u have to like transmasc roxy? Fuck no! U dont have to do anything. But srsly @ that anon earlier: like if thats ur reasoning, why would you go to me when i clearly take a lot of comfort in this character (i even Said seratonin time like. I draw roxy and i get an instant boost of euphoria) and imply that u do not want to see it. Like if u do not want to see it u can just unfollow or block me. Instead u make me feel like shit if im being honest! Ik that wasnt the intention so i dont blame u ily n im sorry if im bein angry this has just been building up for a long time. Like "tag this Canon trans character u relate to and love so i dont have to see him" that..doesnt feel good. Pls be mindful of that h,,

Like if u hc roxy as transfem im not gonna stop you like you do you, im not saying this to bash at transfem hcs. But i literally mean it in the nicest way possible, u dont have to interact w my stuff if u dont like it or if it makes u feel bad. Instead of coming to me and making Me feel bad. U can just unfollow and thered be no hard feelings. I draw stuff to make me happy, and if that stuff doesnt make u happy u dont have to stay, but i dont want to post art of the only positive canon transmasc character i know that makes me feel euphoric and tag it deliberately knowing theres people out there who will actively blacklist that specific drawing. Im not saying its bad to blacklist it, u can blacklist it, but im personally rly uncomfortable w that happening w my art of this specific character so if u dont want to see it u can just. Unfollow. Like 100% no hard feelings im not trying to be cheeky i just think itd be most comfortable for everyone involved bc i dont wanna sacrifice my own comfort and euphoria for other ppl.

Sorry for writing so much and ty if u read this ✌

#sorry for big ol rant im just. LE TIRED.#UGUUGGHFHHHHGHH #long post #discourse #maybe

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amplesalty · 4 years ago

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) & Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street (2019)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you...

I feel like I’ve mentioned Nightmare 2 a few times on here but it never had it’s own dedicated entry so I’ve had a rewatch of it on my mind for a while now. That was only hastened when I recently learned of ‘Scream, Queen!’, a documentary cantered around Mark Patton who plays the lead character Jesse in 2.

Amongst the less than favourable reviews Nightmare 2 has, it also has the reputation of the ‘gayest horror movie ever’ which lead to the typecasting of Patton and him walking away from his acting career. It’s not something I was immediately aware of on my initial viewing of it, certainly there are a lot of moments that with that in mind stand out upon rewatching and a few that are less than subtle, such as Jesse going to a gay bar in the middle of the night only to run into his gym teacher. Some of it seems a little too much like people trying to read into things that aren’t there, like it seems people point out an early scene where Jesse gets into a tussle with one of his classmates Grady during a softball game. Grady rips Jesse’s trousers and they have a bit of a roll around on the grass before being separated. There are doubtless hundreds of examples of kids getting into fights like that across TV and cinematic history that people wouldn’t point out as examples of homoeroticism. But when you couple that with moments like a later scene where Jesse runs away from his girlfriend as they’re about to have sex, only to seek solitude with Grady and they have this exchange:

“There’s something inside of me. And last night it made me go into my sister’s room. And tonight with Lisa in the cabana, it started happening again.” “I think you are seriously losing it, bro.” “I’m scared, Grady. Something is trying to get inside my body.” “Yeah, and she’s female, and she’s waiting for you in the cabana. And you wanna sleep with me.”

You can perhaps see why people might start drawing conclusions from other scenes.

That ‘something’ is Freddy who is seemingly manifesting himself through Jesse into the real world. Up until that point though, the lines have been very blurry as to whether or not Freddy is actually back or whether Jesse is just going crazy, caught up in the wild stories of this vengeful killer from beyond the grave and becoming some sort of copycat.

It’s that part of the movie that I really like, this gray area where you’re not sure exactly what’s happening. It’s something the Nightmare series is able to explore with its switching between the normal and dream worlds but it’s taken to another level here, rather than just use that to build suspense as to whether a character is in danger due to Freddy being present in the dream world, you can see Jesse descending into this madness and are left to wonder whether or not he’s the one actually the one committing these murders.

Things can be a little disorientating at times due to the editing which I’m not sure is intentional or due to them making cuts. I think there’s a couple of occasions where things will pick up in the morning with Jesse wearing one set of clothes, then jumping to lunch time at school or in the evening back home where he’s wearing different clothes, inplying a day or more has passed. I suppose it does add to the atmosphere in a way but it also comes off a bit weird to me.

The movie is pretty much entirely in the real world so it lacks the creative and unique kills that often arise when people slip into slumber and into Freddy’s realm. But it does feature a scene where Freddy finally emerges into the real world and terrorises a high school party. You don’t really get that widespread sense of panic elsewhere in the series, there’s often that sort of low level of ongoing dread once the group of kids realise what’s happening and fear the next time they fall asleep but Freddy often kills people when they’re alone so it’s a change to see dozens of kids trying to escape, trampiling each other as they try and break through a gate or climb a wall. Apparently Wes Craven didn’t like this scene as it made Freddy look silly by having him surrounded by a bunch of muscular jocks. I find that a little strange though since, yeah Freddy might not be the most imposing figure size wise but his body is pretty much one giant, oozing sore complete with knives for fingers so I’m pretty sure he’s going to come out on top in terms of intimidation. Not to mention all the supernatural shit he’s seemingly conjuring like turning the pool into a boiling pot and summoning up pillars of fire.

I feel like this is where things take a sharp downturn, having the manifestation of Freddy emerge kinda removes all doubt and also takes Jesse out of the movie until the very end. It just feels a little anti climatic to have this big final battle suddenly fought by Jesse’s girlfriend who falls back on the trope of ‘I know you’re still in there, I love you!’ as she implores Jesse to fight back and finally overcome Freddy. So much for that gay subtext if it’s hetro love that finally saves the day.

Going into this rewatch, I had this built up very highly in my head which I don’t think it was able to live up to. Possibly because this years Invisible Man has surpassed it in my head as the really good example of that ambigious horror I like so much. Like Elisabeth Moss in that film, Patton has a real good look to him here in getting across the anxiety that Jesse is going through.

And to draw comparison to another Universal horror, there’s something of a Jekyll and Hyde or Wolfman to Jesse, the way he worries about this transformation that he’s going through and about the thing inside him coming out. During that scene at Grady’s place, Freddy emerges from Jesse’s body almost like a butterfly breaking free of it’s cacoon. Maybe that’s what everyone is talking about when it comes to the gay themes, that sense of discovery taking place amongst young adults and the angst surrounding whether or not they really want to reveal their true selves to a world that, as we’re unfortunately discovering more and more these days, still isn’t ready to accept everyone even nearly 40 years after this movie came out.

So for the documentary – Scream, Queen is an appropriate name for more than just the play on the ‘scream queen’ moniker given to notable horror movie actresses like Jamie Lee Curtis, and the obvious double meaning with it being focused around Patton’s sexuality. There’s quite a few instances of him delivering screams during Nightmare 2 which is a little unusual for a male character in a horror movie, not least a lead like he was. Plus it’s a little unusual for a male to be the lead at all, ‘last girl’ and all that, especially in the Nightmare franchise, all the other ones I’ve seen so far are female led.

They talk about the negative reputation the movie has and highlight a lot of internet comments about the sexual themes, a lot of slurs in there and comments like ‘Jesse screams like a girl’. Well wouldn’t you if some burn victim grabbed you in your house, ran knived fingers across your face and then ripped the top of his head off to expose his brain? I don’t doubt for a second that there are scores of people out there who would write this off due to this, I would hope that those are just a minority and if people don’t like it that they have legitimate reasons for that.

It’s a very eye opening story because even after learning about all this ‘gay subtext’ surrounding the movie and Patton’s departure from acting, I hadn’t really thought about the wider reasons behind that. Like, you hear about him being typecast and you just think that he doesn’t want to be pigeon holed into just playing one type of character or that it was hard to find work in those roles because not many of them existed. But it’s much deeper and more disturbing than that, delving into the emergence of the disease into the wider public knowledge during the 1980’s and the panic surrounding that. They show archived headlines and TV clips, with one member of the public being interviewed on the news saying “what they’re doing is abnormal...they’re not fit, they’re not human beings”. It’s painted as a bit of a witchhunt, with tabloids trying to out any closeted Hollywood stars and Patton tells a story of being duped into divulging information on his own boyfriends illness. With blood tests implemented for any prospective actors and him being advised to look and act a certain way to be more palatable to casters, he’s being asked to deny who he truly is.

For as much as the movie looks at the darker period of his formative years and him walking away from Hollywood, it’s encouraging to see his re-emergence into the public eye and embracing the fandom surrounding the movie, taking part in conventions and screenings that shun the negativity and instead see the role as empowering, encouraging people going through similar situations and being something of a role model.

The film culminates in a sit down talk between Patton and Nightmare 2’s writer David Chaskin who he feels has thrown him under the bus whenever talk of the ‘gay subtext’ has come up, having long denied any such thing before slowly changing his story and claiming that it was the casting that ruined the movie. Just before this there is footage of Patton and Jack Sholder at a convention where Sholder comes across as a little condescending. He’s basically telling Patton that directing his ire at Chaskin is misplaced and that he should drop the whole thing given it’s been 30 years. There’s an element of truth to that but I think it’s understandable that Patton would feel that way, especially when he points out that it’s only recently that Chaskin has taken ownership of the subtext now that we’re living in a more understanding time where it’s perhaps viewed as a brave move to introduce this kind of element. It’s going to be hard to look past someone enabling more vitriol by pinning problems on you.

The talk between Chaskin and Patton is a little awkward and it comes across like they’re there for different purposes, Chaskin trying to lighten the mood periodically where Patton keeps a serious tone, challenging Chaskin on some of the comments he’s made.

There’s one in particular where Chaskin suggests that the movie could be played at conversion camps....yikes.

Patton openly saying beforehand that he’s looking for an apology but I don’t know if he exactly got that. Chaskin says he hopes Patton can forgive him and that there are previous comments he made that he regrets but it comes across a little laboured. Maybe there was more said whilst the cameras weren’t rolling or maybe Patton is just accepting what little he can get from the experience in order to bring some closure to the whole thing.

#A Nightmare on Elm Street #A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 #Freddy's Revenge #Scream Queen #My Nightmare on Elm Street

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asexual-fandom-queen · 5 years ago

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So Many Topics Left To Touch

I don’t know why this happened. Sometimes your brain just has an idea and who are you to stand in its way? Set in a world where John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch is a real TV show, and John Mulaney and Jake Gyllenhaal are still John Mulaney and Jake Gyllenhaal, but not the real John Mulaney and Jake Gyllenhaal. The Sack Lunch Bunch just had big show within a show energy, and I wanted to do something with that. This is in no way intended to be RPF. As far as I’m concerned, the actors are playing characters inspired by themselves in the Netflix special, they’re not actually themselves, but if it’s close enough to RPF that it still squicks you, completely understandable, you can scroll right past this post, no hard feelings.

[tw for swearing, bipolar disorder, manic episodes, discussions of mental health stigma, and a character stopping their medication without medical advice]

John hesitates with his knuckles poised an inch above the smooth, cherry-red surface of the dressing room door. The soft sound of shuffling and gratuitous vulgarity bleeds through the thin particle board, and he sighs, unfurling his fingers to scratch at the creases that have developed in his brow.

“Jake,” John announces with three quick, staccato taps. “It’s John. I’m coming in, okay?”

John waits for a second, in case Jake wants to protest, but when he gets no response, he turns the handle and swings open the door.

Jake’s dressing room is little more than a hole in the wall, something that might once have been a janitorial closet before the studio snapped up the property to film The Sack Lunch Bunch and realized they needed more star rooms than were already available. It’s an understated kind of chaos inside, scripts with highlighted lines plied haphazardly across the undersized vanity pushed against the right wall, a metal rod of half-empty hangers to the back, a rumpled pile of clothes balled up on the armchair to the room’s left. The speckled laminate floors scuffed black with shoe marks and concrete masonry walls painted khaki beige do as much to make the room drab as the dull, yellow incandescent light dangling from the ceiling overhead.

Jake, seated at the vanity in a rickety folding chair, doesn’t look up when John slides through the narrow gap he makes in the door frame, the loose fabric of his sweater catching and tugging on the curved edge of the brassy-gold strike plate, or when he closes it shut again with a small, sharp click. He stays with his head in his hands, tugging at the long, disheveled strands where the styling gel’s let go, leaving it limp and unpleasantly shiny.

John stands with his back pressed to the door, handle digging against his spine, the nip of pain just enough to keep him grounded.

READ MORE BELOW THE CUT, OR HERE ON AO3!

“I fucked everything up, didn’t I?” Jake asks, forcing the heels of his hands against his eyes and scrubbing hard enough that John nearly steps forward to stop him.

John shrugs, not that Jake can see. “They’ll cut something together in editing,” he replies. “You’re fine.”

Jake laughs, bitter and humorless. “This seems fine to you?”

John’s feet finally unglue from the floor. He moves to perch on the edge of the vanity, long, spindly legs stretching out in his jeans and crossing at the ankles. The table shifts on its hinges, but ultimately bears his weight. He dips his head, hoping to make eye contact, but Jake keeps his bowed. His whole body jostles as his legs bounce rapidly up and down, an ocean of chaos to John’s calm waters.

“How much sleep did you get last night?” John asks.

Jake’s grip on the hair at the front of his scalp looks ironclad, knuckles almost white with it, as he shakes his head vigorously enough that John feels the pang of sympathy pain at his own hairline. “I thought everything was gonna be so perfect. I had all these ideas, all these sounds rattling around in my head. And then once I started thinking about Mr. Music, all I could think about was the costume, and how it wasn’t good enough, and if I just tried enough stuff on I could find the piece that would blow the whole thing wide open. And then my wheels just started spinning, man. I don’t know.”

Hunched over with his head in his hands, Jake looks small, even though he’s broader than John, and nearly as tall. John uncrosses his ankles and nudges Jake’s jackrabbiting shin with his own. Jake stills abruptly, finally looks up.

“How many hours?” John asks again.

Jake sighs. “I think Friday was the last time,” he admits, fingers scratching anxiously at the back of his neck.

“Jake,” John says with a harsh exhale, like the confession’s knocked the wind out of him. He tries to land somewhere in the realm of concern with his tone, and not judgmental. He knows it’s the last thing Jake needs. “It’s Tuesday.”

Jake chews the skin under his thumb. His legs bounce again, and John feels every vibration where they’re still pressed shin to shin.

“Someone’s gonna fire me,” Jake mutters.

John laughs, a quick, harsh chuckle. “Doubtful,” he says. “Since they’d have to run it by me first, and you know I wouldn’t stand for that shit at all.”

“You should fire me,” Jake says, sitting suddenly ramrod straight and fixing John with a hard, frim look that catches him off guard. “Sack Lunch is your baby and sooner or later, I’m gonna ruin it. I can’t– I don’t think right, when I’m like this. I’m gonna do something fucking stupid and everything you made here’s gonna come crashing down.”

John takes a surreptitious deep breath and feigns as much levity as he can in his expression as he rolls his eyes and bumps Jake’s leg with the top of his foot. “Don’t be melodramatic.”

Jake doesn’t flinch. “I’m serious, John,” he says.

“So am I,” John replies. He locks eyes with Jake, and the other man’s legs still, even though the nervous energy still buzzes under his skin in a way that’s palpable, that electrifies the room. “You are Mr. Music. I don’t wanna write you off, or recast you. I don’t need anybody else. Just you.”

Jake sucks in a sharp breath through his nose. Eye to eye like this, John can see the dark circles where the foundation’s rubbed away.

“When’d you stop taking your meds?”

Jake tenses. “Who said I–”

“Don’t lie, Jake,” John interrupts, holding up a hand. He rears back as Jake springs from his seat, pacing the six-step line from one end of the room to the other. John doesn’t miss the way hobbles, just barely perceptible under the manic energy driving him forward like business as usual. He leaves a smear of blood behind him, and John sees the purpling of his ankle even from a distance.

“I’m not gonna ream you out, man,” he promises, straightening from his leaning position to give Jake more space. “So, don’t lie to me.”

Jake scratches the back of his neck. “About a week.”

John nods. “Does your doctor know?”

A flinch. “I can’t tell her,” Jake says. “All she wants to do is keep me drugged up.”

“She wants to keep you safe,” John counters, the exasperation he’s trying so desperately to keep at bay slipping into his tone. “And functioning. She wants you to be able to come to work and do your job. Or, I don’t know, go home and actually sleep at night.”

Jake shakes his head. He’s still pacing. John wants to step in front of him, make him stop, but he knows that won’t help. “I fucking hate being on lithium,” he spits.

“Well,” John says, plain and matter-of-fact. “I don’t think you like this very much, either.”

Jake stills, flicks his eyes up from the floor where he’s been watching himself pace and track blood.

“Also,” John adds. “I happen to know for a fact that’s absolutely not true. You don’t hate being on lithium, you just think you do when your dose is too low to manage your mania. Then you start feeling just the right combination of paranoid and invincible to stop taking it altogether. That’s when you hate it. When the mental illness is the one in the driver’s seat. But that’s not what you really think.”

Jake shakes his head. His whole body’s trembling. “Doesn’t matter,” he says. “This is the third time. I can’t tell her I stopped taking it again. Can’t ask her to put me back on if I’m too fucking stupid to stay on.”

John frowns. “Sure you can,” he says, loud and brassy, with a quick toss of his head. “You make an appointment, and you waltz into her office, and you say put me back on my medication, please. You can do that so many times.”

“She’s gonna be mad at me,” Jake argues.

“She’s going to caution you,” John says. “Against the health risks of stopping your medication without medical advice. That’s her job as a doctor. But she’s not going to be mad at you. And if she is, then it’s because she’s a shitty psychiatrist. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

Jake is quiet for a breath, and eerily still. “Are you mad at me?” he asks.

John sighs. He steps forward and reaches out, clasping Jake by the forearms and holding him still, the canary yellow silk of the Mr. Music costume cool and slippery to the touch under his hands.

“You’re not just a colleague to me,” John says emphatically, holding Jake’s eyes, even as his break off every so often to dart from place to place to place around the room. “You are my friend. One of the most important people in my life. I am concerned for you. And I am frustrated that I can’t do more to help. So I might seem a little mad. But I am never, ever, mad at you. Do you know that?”

Jake hesitates a moment, then shakes his head.

John frowns. “Remember that,” he says, solid and firm, with no room to argue.

He waits until Jake nods in response, then tugs on his forearms, leading him toward the armchair. John grabs the pile of clothes in one hand and tosses it to the floor under the clothes rack. He corrals Jake into the seat, then crouches in front of him, grabbing his right leg by the shin.

“You’re walking on it too much for it to be broken,” John muses aloud, looking the purplish skin and the swelling around Jake's ankle. He pinches his fingers around the back of Jake’s Achilles tendon, the pads pressing into the inflammation. He barely sucks in a breath.

“Does that hurt?” John asks anyway.

Jake shakes his head. “Who knows,” he says. “Everything feels like it’s up here.” He raises a hand over his head to emphasize his point.

John lets out a heavy breath through his nose. His shoulders slump. “Please,” he says, tracing gentle circles against Jake’s ankle with his thumb. “Let me take you to the hospital.”

Jake shakes his head. “The glass,” he says. “They’re gonna think I did it on purpose. What if they put me on a hold?”

“Then I will be there in seventy-two hours to pick you up,” John promises.

Jake swallows. “And if the press gets wind?”

“They can fuck themselves.”

“I want Mr. Music to be bipolar.”

Jake looks at John over his plate of takeout, a fresh spring roll bisected messily in a semi-circular bite held aloft between his chopsticks. They’re sitting on the couch in John’s apartment, the nicer residence of the two. John’s the big household name, he’s got the Manhattan money.

Jake never made it quite as big. A few appearances on SNL – where they met – a few standup tours. John never understood why. He’s funny, but Jake’s hilarious, unhinged and high energy in a way that feels more engaging than John’s own deadpan, dad next door schtick. When he was looking for regular guest stars for Sack Lunch Bunch, he hadn’t even thought twice. Of course, it was Jake. It was always going to be Jake.

“Well,” Jake says with a wry, sardonic smile. “Want no more.”

John rolls his eyes. “I mean on the show,” he says.

Jake frowns. He sets his half-eaten spring roll back on his plate, then sets the plate on the coffee table.

“Obviously not without your blessing,” John hastens to add. The couch is expansive, but John’s mostly on the middle cushion, and turned like they are, their knees knock together when he shuffles a half-inch closer.

“Would the network even let you do that?” Jake asks, scrunching up his face.

“Well, they’d better,” John says. “I’m the executive producer. Half the financing comes from my money, and yeah, I make that money back and then some, but that doesn't mean people shouldn’t still have to defer to me. Hell, it’s my IP. If they don’t like it, I’ll say fuck you very much and take the show someplace else.”

Jake scoffs and rolls his eyes. He settles back against the cushion. The way his legs stretch out as he relaxes tangles their shins together, and a shiver runs up the long column of John’s spine.

“You’re such a drama queen sometimes,” Jake teases.

John frowns. “Hey,” he says. “I’m serious.”

Jake swallows. John tracks the movement of his Adam’s apple. “You don’t have to do that just for me.”

“Except it wouldn’t be just for you,” John says. “There’s something like 2.3 million Americans diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I guarantee you, kids know someone who’s bipolar. Or they know someone who has schizophrenia, or depression, or even a generalized anxiety disorder.”

John shifts forward again on the sofa. He worries for a second that he’s crowding Jake out when both their knees press flush together, but Jake doesn’t pull back. Instead, he slides his arm across the back of the couch, and though they’re not quite touching, John swears he can feel the warmth of him through the sleeve of his shirt.

“I created The Sack Lunch Bunch for a reason,” John continues. “Because I saw what was available for kids nowadays and it’s all bullshit. It either teaches them nothing, or it teaches them to be little assholes to each other. There used to be a message to kid’s programming. Be nice, be generous, understand your neighbor. Not make fun of your neighbor for being fat, or stupid, or whatever we’re still deeming acceptable to make fun of people for.

“I wanted The Sack Lunch Bunch to be different,” John says. “And when I signed on to the network, they promised it would be. At first, it was just get past the first season, John. Then, shows struggle in their sophomore year, John; better not rock the boat. But it’s been three years, and they’re still censoring my content. They cut Sasha’s Dad Does Drag from the show last month without even consulting me.”

Jake’s fingers brush against the curve of John’s shoulder. The pad of his pointer catches at the collar. John feels it against his skin. It loosens his muscles where they pull taught between his scapulas.

“I’m just tired,” John says. “I care about this show. I wanna do it in a way that does right by the audience I meant it for. Not One Million Moms, or whatever shitstains are in office, or heading the network, or running the FCC. I swear to God, I’ll make a YouTube channel and upload the whole thing as shaky cell phone footage if I have to.”

A soft smile tugs at the corner of Jake’s mouth.

“And yeah,” John adds, sagging against the backrest so his shoulder presses squarely against Jake’s arm. He tilts his head, and Jake’s fingers brush against the corner of his jaw. “I wanna do right by you, too. I wanna give you that platform. That space to be yourself, openly and honestly. If that’s what you want.”

Jake’s fingers twitch against his skin. “Yeah, okay,” he whispers. “I’m in.”

Things are different since taking season four independent.

For all that John was ready to pay the whole show’s budget out of pocket and suffer the consequences, a surprising amount of money came their way by donation, first from fellow actors, comedians, and general entertainment media types, then through public fundraising campaigns set up by viewers, and finally, politicians, once the consensus was finally in on the general public opinion of The Sack Lunch Bunch’s solo move.

The state of Jake’s dressing room, however, is much the same.

“I feel like if I hit refresh one more time, I might unintentionally complete some kind of Sisyphean ritual and end up stuck on Twitter forever,” John says, staring down at the tablet in his hand. He has a flute of sparkling apple juice in the other, which Jake opts to chug from the bottle.

The first episode of season four dropped to a handful of contracted streaming services earlier in the day, and John and Jake have been in Jake’s dressing room reading over reviews for the last hour, two more celebratory bottles piled by the trash to go in recycling later.

They just wrapped the day filming their penultimate episode of thirteen, and John’s still buzzing with post-performance adrenaline. The sugar in the juice and the heat of Jake pressed up against his side as he reads over John’s shoulder does nothing to help with his jitters.

“Just one more time,” Jake urges, and, helpless to say no to him, John hits refresh. “Poignant and emotional,” he reads, breath ghosting across sensitive skin on the side of John’s neck, just over his pulse. “John Mulaney & The Sack Lunch Bunch tackles mental health awareness with new Mr. Music storyline.”

“Reviews seem to be half-decent,” John agrees.

Jake scoffs. More warm air tickles the hair at the nape of John’s neck. “Reviews are great,” he says. Then, softer, “you’re great.”

John takes a step back. He places the tablet and his glass of juice down on the vanity and, sensing the sudden shift in mood, Jake does the same with the bottle.

“Thank you for doing this with me,” John says, warm and soft and sincere.

Jake smiles. “I should be thanking you,” he says. “Most people would have kicked me out on my ass day one.”

“I was never gonna be able to do that, though, was I?” John replies in an atypical moment of honesty. The room is still so small. Too small for a recurring guest star. Too small for two grown men. Too small for all of John’s feelings.

Jake licks his lips, and John can’t help but track the movement with his eyes. When he snaps them back up, Jake is looking at him like he’s the only thing in the room. “Why not, exactly?” he asks.

John swallows thick. “Come on, man,” he says. He takes a small, automatic step forward. Jake doesn’t pull away. “You know why.”

“Do I?” Jake asks. He inches forward, too, like he’s on autopilot. John sees his fingers twitch from the corner of his eye, his hand reaching out, then drawing back, like he’s unsure. But how could he not know? John’s always been so sure.

He takes a step forward. They’re pressed nearly chest to chest.

“I am technically your boss,” John whispers. It comes out thick and raspy and raw. “So feel free to knee me in the balls if this is crossing a line but I really just wanna–”

He doesn’t get the rest of the sentence out. He kisses Jake on an exhale, like John’s breathing everything he has into him, giving Jake everything he is. He curls his fist in Jake’s shirt and tugs him close, and Jake opens under him like he’s in bloom. He slips his tongue into Jake’s mouth and the other man carves out space for him like he belongs there, the same way he hauls John’s body closer with hands on his waist to press them flush from knees to hips to chest. John slides his hand from Jake’s shirt and curls both around the base of his neck to cradle him like he’s precious.

“John,” Jake pants against his lips. His breath is fire-hot, and it sets the nerve endings on John’s lips alight. “I wanted– for so long. And I didn’t know–”

“I know,” he replies, pressing another slow, steady kiss to Jake’s mouth. “Me too.”

“Am I still coming over tonight?” Jake wonders. Their noses brush, like they haven’t figured out how to stop moving together yet, even with their lips apart.

Another soft, plush kiss. “Do you still want to?” John asks.

Jake nods. “If you still want me to.”

“From the second I met you,” John says, brushing a long strand of hair behind Jake’s ear where it’s fallen loose. “I have always wanted you.”

I am always going to want you.

#john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch #mr music #john mulaney x mr music #not intended to be #rpf #but i'm still going to tag it as such since it's close enough it might still squick folks

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rontra · 6 years ago

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Brilliancy, 10-15 please! :D

(chanting) BRILL! BRILL! BRILL! BRILL!! u put in a lot so ill put in a readmore somewhere in this post idk

10. Do you have an outline? Do you stick to it?

i rarely make outlines and if i do they fall out of use essentially immediately bc i just dont stick to them that good. brilliancy has a doc called “Plot Points” and this is what’s in it

so the answer is no. i keep it all on file in my head. mdfdbfhb

11. How do you structure your plot?

Brilliancy specifically is on a really specific structure, especially in the opening play!! It won’t be as pronounced later on, but Brilliancy uses this “tag-team” concept; because there’s a shit ton of lore and we’re basically walking into the endgame of a tense political situation, i’ve had to think carefully about how to introduce the setting and characters while not overwhelming people...so basically what it does is

there’s 4 main narrators who need to be introduced (kaitlin, ast, flang, and erin). so, basically, how the plot is set up in the opening act, the narrator jumps from specific springboards (events or key phrases etc) and the next character picks that up like an echo and fills it out in more depth. they don’t come in too quickly, they wait their turn in line and tag in when the flow is smooth!!

it sounds very simplistic when laid out like this but i’m really proud of how it works! it’s very smooth and i enjoy the like, baton passing...it’s really satisfying to read

even little things like directly paralleling a previous character’s introduction with the wording itself, and then deviating to show in rough strokes how this person’s role is different, really pays off very quickly to keep all of them separate in the reader’s mind. WHILE ALSO tying together the people who used similar concepts/wordings (flang and kaitlin specifically share one, so do ast and erin)

anyway the rest of the plot is like whatever

12. What part is the hardest to write in your WIP?

for brilliancy, the hardest parts to write are probably the like...when things have to actually move from place to place...i have a really hard time figuring out how to get the plot to go places, physically speaking, while keeping it interesting. pacing is a really big problem....

i just wanna write dialogue and introspection forever

13. Are there scenes that you cut already?

ummmmm in brill3 specifically i don’t think so yet! i’ll do that later on when i’m doing more editing-type work and less draft-type work lol. usually if something isn’t working but is important i’ll stash it in a “for later” doc and there’ll be some better place to put it or it’ll just become side content in my stash

if ur talking brill as a concept ive cut like 200k+ of scenes*shot

i did 14 for brill already! i’ll push one up and add 16 at the end

15. Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

Teeth bared, Flang sneered—or maybe snarled, she wasn't sure. “I'm afraid I got that from you. My father taught me sacrifice and my mother taught me sutures. Your brother taught me discretion and I taught myself to survive with the gifts they gave me. You? You were nothing but a cautionary tale.”

Anire’s riposte was confident: “You have never learned a thing that I didn't teach you, girl—the rest is bravado.”

“You've never taught me a single valuable thing.” Flang was on her feet now, her blood scalding in her veins, her heart thundering in her chest. With every word she spoke a fissure widened in her heart, parting her like a carcass for butchery. “You could never teach me anything.”

Anire’s eyes were flinty but she smiled an easy smile, all hands-in-her-pockets calm. “You know I didn't come here to fight, sweetie.”

“Don't call me that like we're family,” Flang said, but her voice cracked on the last word.

16. Give a spoiler for your WIP.

AST AND KAITLIN BONE

#brilliancy #paintsmcspectrum

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sunaluvs · 3 years ago

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hi aether! sorry this isn’t about any fandoms or anything but what do you do now and how do you find time to write? i’ve been crazy busy with my internship and i wanna write something but i’m always so pooped out by the end of the day, i can’t come up with anything… sobs

no worries anon idm questions like these!

i feel this shit so much LMAO im a double major uni student so i am very busy very often and that doesn't leave me much time to write </3 it's why i don't post as frequently as other blogs and why i went on a hiatus back in nov-mid dec

im not quite sure if im the best person to answer this honestly, mainly because i don't really have like.. a solution to this? i just try to focus on finishing whatever shit i need to do so i can be free jdhdjfh

BUT!! i do have two tips that have helped me a lot (under the cut cause they got stupidly long SORRY)

1. this is if you find your creative flow completely blocked off. try to organize your time to set aside maybe 15 (or more) minutes in a day. this can be when you're eating or on a break or something. in this time, do something that helps you relax but still keeps your brain thinking. this can be reading, looking at art, listening to music, taking a walk, etc. the point is to get yourself relaxed enough to appreciate things outside of your worries and stress, such as other people's works! don't do anything yourself during this time. just let yourself take in other people's art.

ive found that this helps greatly any time im experiencing writers block. i don't stress or worry over it, i just go back to my favorite authors or list of fics/books ive been wanting to read, listen to music, go on walks, etc. i take this chance to enjoy the little things life has to offer and let my brain explore itself.

2. when you want to get rid of that pesky n urgent need to create something. any time i have a sudden spark of inspiration or idea to write, ill race to my notes app in my phone and just quickly write it down. it doesn't sound like much, but just jotting it down, even incoherently or messily, helps me get rid of that itch to create something (sometimes ill also write down particular sentences or words that make me feel like ill die if i dont use them). and then later on, when i've managed to grab some time to myself, ill go back and look over it and add or change stuff!! it doesn't have to be perfect (it never is) and it doesn't have to be anything big! even one paragraph can help. sometimes if the idea just won't leave my head, ill keep going back to build on it more, bit by bit, until i slowly end up with a short drabble that i can edit in my spare time

it's also important you don't "save it for later", because later will likely never come. you'll be either too tired or unmotivated to write it. having it already in front of you when you're all out of steam can kinda help you regain some of that energy back.

AND MOST IMPERATIVELY: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT CREATING. it's not your fault capitalism is trying to suck out your soul

this got entirely too long im so sorry GDJDHDJHF but this all i have to offer!! hopefully these can help and if anyone knows any other tips feel free to add on <33

#goodluck on your internship anon!! remember to take care of your health and safety first and foremost!!#why the hell did this get so long HELP im so sorry #these r the only things i can think of atm if i come up w anything else ill edit it on #and if anyone else has any other tips pls do add on <3 #a.answers #[ ♡ ] — anon

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sssoto · 7 years ago

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Creator’s update #1

Hey guys! So I’ve decided to start actually blogging on this blog and tell a bit about the various things I’m working on, share WIPs, music I’ve been digging recently etc. I realise that I rarely post anything, so it seems like I’m super inactive - which is totally not true, I just have so much stuff going on and take a long time to finish things, and I’m also pretty picky about what I put up online lol! For the sake of keeping those of you interested in the loop, I’m gonna start this series of creator’s updates in which I’ll update y’all on the progress I’ve made on my various creative projects. The goal is to give an update a few times a month (hopefully lol)!

This past while I’ve been super inactive in the writing department, but very much productive in the art department, so my writing update will be mostly a summary of what I’ve been doing the past few years up until this point.

Mood: Feelin’ real good cuz my parents finally brought my comfy double bed over from my mum’s place this past weekend, which means no more sleeping on the couch yaaaaaas.

Music I’ve been digging recently:

Skye Sweetnam - Boyhunter So, the other day I randomly listened to this song on my way home from work, and I totally realised that Skye Sweetnam is the perfect voice for my character Caitlyn, and this song totally embodies what Caitlyn is all about lmaoooo. (The song isn’t very accurate to the time period Caitlyn lives in, but it’s super accurate to her character essence and personality, and I just find that so lit hahahah)

Fallulah - Out of It This song is basically my MC’s theme song?? It’s performed by a Danish artist and was super popular in Denmark a few years back as it was the theme tune to a Danish tv show (a show I loved!). The lyrics are just so Daniel, it’s not even funny. It mostly fits his mental state at the beginning of Renaissance.

Girl’s Day - Love Again Ugh I just love the tune of this song so much, I can’t really place my finger on it, the emotion is just so great. I love the guitar riff especially, and Girl’s Day is a four member girl group, so it’s one of those songs where I can imagine my main girls Annaliese, Caitlyn, Mary and Serena singing as each member lmao.

Nine Muses - Remember Another four member group now, this song is also one where I can imagine my main girls singing each member’s part lmao, and having that aspect to a song always makes it a little better for me! Forreal tho, this new release from Nine Muses slays, and we all know it. The music video haunts me.

Sistar - Lonely This song makes me sad and happy all at once, cuz I’m not ready to say goodbye to Sistar, but at the same time this ending is probably the best one any fan could’ve wished for because there was no drama or anger, just well wishes and hope for the future. I know these girls will go far, and this song just pulls at all my heart strings man. The melody of the bridge and chorus, Dasom and Soyu’s parts in particular, really works for me. And yeah, Sistar has four members too, and once again I can picture my main girls singing as each member lmao. It’s a thing I have, okay?

Moana OST - We Know The Way + Know Who You Are I recently watched this movie, and while I sorta felt like the plot was a bit rushed and tropey in many ways, I totally adored the visuals and the MUSIC OMG. These two songs are my favourite, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s vocals never miss, and Auli’i Cravalho’s high note is gorgeous! Also dat choir in the background tho, and in context with the movie scene that song just makes me irrationally emotional mkay. (That ending was the best twist ever, it definitely lifted the story up a notch for me!)

Writing

So I’m writing a book! You might have seen me mention it a few times already on here, but I’ve not really shared much insight into my process or what sort of book this actually is (other than talking about characters here and there), and as I’ve not been making huge progress lately (I’m in an art state of mind duuuh), I thought that I’d keep this section short and sweet, with a bit of an introduction into what my book project is all about.

I call it a book project because I don’t feel comfortable just calling it a book when I don’t have rights to publish. Technically my book is a fanfiction based on the horror video game Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and as such I don’t own copyright of the small percentage of my story that features the canon elements. However, I take this as seriously as anyone else would writing their own book, because I’ve poured my entire heart and soul into it, and the vast majority of the content (plot, characters and world) is my original creation. It’s my own little big project lol!

You might be familiar with the game, and even if you aren’t, that’s not a prerequisite for reading my book since everything is introduced and set up just as in any regular book. The protagonist is an Englishman named Daniel, and we know little of his past through the game. I won’t go into too much detail on what the game is about (if you really wanna know, you can look it up), but the point of my book is to explore the protagonist’s life from his childhood up to the events of the game and beyond, and afterwards connect his story to the game sequels featuring other protagonists within the same universe. It’s a bit complex and elaborate, which is just the way I like it!

As the games are set at various points during the Victorian era (game #1 is set in Prussia 1839, game #2 is set in France 1858, and game #3 is set in England 1899), you can probably guess that the entire thing will be pretty long. That’s why I’m making it a series! I have at least seven books planned so far (though there’ll definitely be more, since I’m not near the end of the timeline I need to cover yet), and I currently have the first book written and am writing the sequel - however, the first book will need a complete rewrite once I’m finished with book #2, because I’ve since developed and changed a lot of stuff, and I have many new interesting ideas for a more fleshed out version of the first book. Still, the fanfic version is available online, so if you’d like to read it, you can find it here. You’ll get a pretty good idea of the general story and the characters, but keep in mind that it’s super outdated and will be very different after my rewrite!

For reference, this is the list of books that I’ve planned (and titled) so far, so you can keep up with what book of my series I’m talking about at any given point:

I - Amnesia: Memoirs

II - Amnesia: Renaissance

III - Amnesia: Voyage

IV - Amnesia: Noir

V - Amnesia: Encore

VI - Amnesia: Rogue

So what I’m doing right now with this project is revisions. Uuuuggghhhhh. Yes, that’s right, I’m stuck in revision hell. I’ve not even finished the first draft of Renaissance yet (I know, sacrilege, writing blasphemy, don’t start your damn edits until you’ve finished your draft dumbass), but I had some pretty major changes to make, changes so big that it would be a waste of time and effort to go on drafting without implementing them first. Mainly the changes are surrounding 1) a change of ages of my main cast (I aged many characters up a few years), and 2) changing and figuring out the specifics of the illness which my MC’s sister, Hazel, is afflicted with. She’s not such a major character in Renaissance, but she plays a big role in Memoirs, and since I had all these new ideas for the rewrite of that, I wanted to implement the ripple effects in the second book so it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to edit later when Renaissance is a finished 3-400k first draft lmao (I have a lot of words okay?). These changes mostly affect the early chapters of my book - chapters I wrote about three years ago, which means that these early chapters really need a face-lift. In addition to the age and illness change, I wanna revise the first five chapters by cutting the fluff and tightening up the beginning so we get to the action a tiny bit faster. Adding to the fact that these early chapters are three years old, the prose also needs an almost complete rewrite. So long story short, all of the edits are taking a long ass time, and I’m not having a good time lmao. Doesn’t help that I had to stop drafting right at one of the juiciest scenes in my book?!?!? (that’s a lie, it gets juicier, but I was just getting to the real good stuff yanno?)

(Side note: for someone who said that I’d keep this short, it sure turned out long lmao. I just have too many damn words.)

Chapters edited: 2/16 (working on 3 right now and it’s an effin’ pain)

Current total word count: 120,591

Current total chapter count: 17 (the number will go down to 16 once I finish the revisions, as I’m merging two chapters)

Look at all the dumb shit I still have to edit for chapter 3. Look at it.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Art

Man, I’ve been doing a lot of artwork recently, and by a lot, I don’t mean that I’ve finished any.

I think I’ve been focused on developing my actual drawing skills rather than making finished illustrations, because I’ve been so overwhelmed with inspiration and I’ve wanted to try out drawing a bunch of different motives, so my mind is on a lot of different art projects at once, and I’m making baby steps of progress on each of them because I just wanna do everything lmao. I should probably take a step back and settle on one thing at a time, but at the same time, I feel like this is working for me because I’m so inspired and motivated and super excited for every single art piece; I don’t feel myself losing interest in any of them, in fact I just feel like my switching between different artworks keeps every piece fresh and interesting for me, yanno?

So here’s one thing that I’ve been slowly chipping away at for the past few months. I’m drawing a full body group picture of my main cast from Renaissance!

I’ve drawn the anatomy sketches of all the male characters (though I’m debating whether I should add some others), and now I’m adding the female characters one by one, so these are not all of the characters yet. But man, I just love seeing the characters side by side? The variety in their body language, body types and heights is just so interesting to look at, and it’ll be even better once I get around to actually adding their facial features, expressions, hair, attire, and then colouring them as well omg! I’m a sucker for this kind of thing, blame it on @juliajm15 and her amazing diverse character designs.

It’s gonna be a huge picture with a lot of characters, and I’m stoked for it!! This is a piece which I hope I’ll be able to show ya’ll the progress of bit by bit in every few updates. (also, if you feel somewhat familiar with some of my characters, you’re welcome to make guesses at who’s who (; )

Another project I’m working on is making official character portraits of my main cast (and possibly minor characters as well). I just think it’s nice to have official portraits as reference for anyone who’d like to see what the characters look like, and also for myself for whenever I need to refresh the specific features and expression of each character. It’s just a nice thing that satiates my very Type A personality lmao!

So the characters above are Owen Wright (to the left) , Daniel’s puppy bff with the fluffy hair, and then from left to right I’m colouring the portraits of the Armstrong siblings: Caleb, Caitlyn and Tristan. Their dad is a duke! n.n Caleb is the oldest, Caitlyn the youngest, and Tristan is the bland middle child. He’s a little brat LOL but I still love him.

Also, due to this glorious reference I found, I finally figured out how to draw Daniel. Bless this model, I never knew I wanted Daniel to have big puffy lips, but apparently I do.

He looks actually nice now? Which is nice? I’m amazed. Also his hair? I can never draw his hair, but this looks nice so yay? Also, I dunno why I never draw clothes on him, I guess I’m just lazy lol, but he’s gonna need to wear clothes for the official character portrait soooo... That’s a thing I’m gonna have to do.

Now that I’ve figured out his features, it’s gonna be fun to remodel all his family members accordingly. I sense that he’ll have gotten those cute puffy lips from his mum meheheheh.

I also did some Disney fanart of my two favourite Disney ladies; Esmeralda and Kida <3

I actually never really draw fanart any more, it’s been yeeeaaaars since I did, and when I used to do it, I was always very particular about staying as true to the original art style as possible. But now that I’ve spent the past couple years focusing on developing my own art style, I actually decided not to care about that so much and just draw the characters the way I’m used to drawing my own, and lo and behold - it looks pretty accurate to the Disney style?? I assumed that the characters would end up looking very different, but other than the eyes being smaller I feel like they look the exact same lmao. It’s interesting to me, because even when I used to do fanart, I usually did so of Japanese art and manga, not of Disney or any other western art. Also, I don’t consider my own style very Disney, but it pleases me a lot that the characters look so much like themselves even in my art style! The most important thing to me is to capture the essence of the character anyway, so any fan can recognise the character they love so much n.n

So that’s about it for this round! I’ve been working on other things as well, but I’d rather not disclose them to the public just yet - perhaps later, when I’ve made more progress, or (gasp!) actually finished something!! Bahahah, with the many things I’m working on, hell will freeze over before that day comes. *cries*

Youtube

I’m adding this Youtube section because, in addition to writing and doing artwork, I also like to record vocal covers (mainly of kpop songs, but I’ll do anything I’m in the mood for at any given point), aaaaand as of today I'm gonna be uploading speedpaints as well! Which is probably good since I don’t upload my covers nearly as often as I finish them lmao.

I’ve not uploaded any new covers recently (though I really should, I do have some covers lying around on my laptop mwerp), but I’m gonna list a couple of my favourite covers I have on my channel here so you can take a listen if you’d like!

youtube

And today I uploaded my very first speedpaint to my channel, so check that out if you’re interested in that sort of stuff! It’s the process of my Christmas portrait piece for Serena. I aim to be more consistent with uploads since I have a few unedited recordings lying around, so keep an eye out for that!

youtube

If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking around and taking a look at my work, even if it’s only in WIP form. I wanted to start doing these updates because I’ve been watching my friends do them for a long time, and I always love reading their writing updates; they motivate me so much to get working on my own stuff, and I just wanna be able to perhaps do something similar for anyone else who’s watching me out there. So thank you sincerely to @coffeeandcalligraphy, @sarahkelsiwrites and @shaelinwrites for sharing your process with the world and being such an inspiration to me and many others, I love seeing you all make progress on your own projects <3

So that was all for this round, I hope you guys enjoyed a little sneak peek into what I’ve been working on! Until next time, folks!

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pparkchimin · 7 years ago

Text

I ’m making a tutorial for @victuuri-moonandsun on how I downloaded the YOI episodes and how to make a basic gif. I decided just to make a tutorial for everyone else who wants to learn? I’m like hella basic at making gifs so ill be providing resources in hopes it will help!

The tutorial includes:

How to download

Capturing Method: VLC vs KMPlayer

Importing + Making the gif (Timing, Cropping, Sharpening, Saving)

Ill teach u how to go from:

to this:

+ A shit ton of screencaps to make up for the fact i’m bad at explanation. ++ what is grammar n spelling? +++ cursing a lot of it

its like legit 3 am and this tutorial is so bad good luck

You will need:

Vuze

Photoshop (I use CS6)

VLC Player or KMPlayer (I will later discuss the difference usage of these programs)

I. Downloading

Sup yo! Okay let’s start with downloading the actual episodes! I usually use torrents when i’m downloading the episodes. This is what Vuze is for. Like most things u wanna be careful when you download shit off the internet but idgaf i’ve been downloading shit off the interwebs for a while.

So you wanna either google “yuri on ice 1080p torrent”, but im gonna use HorribleSubs for my example. You wanna make sure you download the 1080p version of the episodes so you can have the clearest/more HQ gifs.

If you’re using the horriblesubs site then you wanna click on “1080p” for whatever episode you want and right click the magnet link.

Yay! Now we gonna wanna open Vuze. First you gonna want to click the “add” folder > Add Magnet > Paste URL > Then hit okay.

Okay. So once you hit ok this should pop up:

Then hit ok again! You can also change where you wanna save it at this stage too. Okay now your file is downloading and now we wait! The more seeds the faster the download.

Once the file is done downloading we can move on to actually capturing for gif making.

II. Capturing:

OKay. SO I personally use the VLC capturing way because it’s easier for me. With VLC you;re basically recording the scene you want so you can import it into Photoshop. With the KMPlayer you’re taking a shit ton of sceencaps and you’re importing each image into Photoshop. I used both methods and they both get the job done. The only time i use KMPlayer is when VLC is acting wonky. Ill show the VLC method first then the KMPlayer (cringes).

Yay VLC. My fav bby right here. OKay So you’re gonna wanna open that shit up. Okay, so the first thing you wanna do when you open the program is go to view > advance controls. This gives you the option to record!

Hell yeah bro now we in business. Okay you’re gonna wanna open the episode you wanna be gif-ing. Since I showed how to download episode 12 i’m just gonna use episode 12 for this too cause fuck it man. You’re gonna wanna decide what scene you’re gonna want to make a gif of. I think for the purpose of the tutorial i’m just gonna do the scene where yurio finishes his program and creys cause hella yeha bro.

okay so for myself, i tend to start recording couple seconds (like 5-10 *my computer is really wonky ) before the actual scene because I want to make sure I record the whole scene without cutting anything out.

You also notice that the record button is red now. So you’re basically just gonna click it once and let it record until you want it to stop!

Where i began to record (actual a couple secs before becuz i forgot to screencap):

Where I ended:

***note: Notice how the record button changes while you’re recording vs not recording! (i’ve done the dumb thing where i forgot to stop recording and watched the rest of the episode .-. )

Now that short clip will be saved. my video was saved in my video file im sure you can change where you want it saved but idk how. This is where it is saved on my computer. Probably can search “vlc” on your computer if it is absolutely lost (sorry I can’t help much in finding the file).

Basically after this step you’re done deezy. You can skip the KMPlayer and go directly to the gif making portion of this shit tutorial.

OKAY FOLKS HERE’S THE KMPLAYER TUTORIAL ON HOW TO DO GIFS HAHAHAhahaha *sobbing*

I need to explain this program a bit more. So unlike VLC you’re not recording or anything like that. This captures screencaps into jpg or png files. When you do the VLC method, photoshop will make the screencaps for u. This method you’re gonna have to load the each photo (This usually takes photoshop longer to load for me, but than again my computer is old as shit so it may not matter to you).

OKay u gonna wanna open that satan spawn and open the episode u wanna do. Again here im gonna do the same scene cause yeah. Basically just go to the scene you want.

Okay here the annoying shit happens. SO unlike VLC for me, I don’t have to a big gap of recording time. I can get closer to the actual scene and want and start capturing (ctrl+G).

When you hit ctrl+G, this window pops up and this where all the settings happen. 1. You decided where you all the pictures will be saved! 2. You can pic the image quality. I go for JPG because my computer just cant handle doing png. If you’re computer can do the png go for it. 3.) Seconds refers to how long you want the program to capture for. I just put 5 seconds to make sure i get the whole scene. You also want the images to be in the original size. 4.) I WILL DISCUSS THE TIMING THING MORE INDEPTH LATER, but for the time being i’ll do every 1 frame.

When you click start on the small window your video has to be playing to actually capture. I just hit start and hhit play cuz fuck it.

When the program finish capturing this will pop up in the corner. *note: I ended up doing 10 seconds because my computer hates me. So there’s a lot more caps than i needed. this is what you end up with!

A shit ton of fucking photos! YOU READy TO GO TO PHOTOSHOP.

III. IMPORTING-VLC

*if you need help downloading photoshop send me an ask and ill try my best to help you. I downloaded ps cs6 a long time ago and the link i used to download it doesn't exist anymore.

THis step is gonna be different depending on what method you used for the capturing. I’m going to begin with the VLC method. So you’re gonna wanna go to file > importing > video frame to layers.

Find the clip file and hit open. a window will open and now you can select what part of the video you want to actually gif! the two point thingies on the bottom are adjustable. FOr example maybe you recorded too much in the beginning? drag the 1st arrow thing to where you want the gif to start. Same with if you recorded to much at the tale end of the video. You can adjust the right one.

Make sure to have frame animation box is check.

And now we’re at the frames part.This is where I feel conflicted and you will see why when I get to the timing part of the video. (I use to make a lot of gifs for real action tv shows and this is the first anime I ever edited and I just feel like i haven’t found the best timing yet?). For this screencape i left the limit box and just do every frame.

So my video was too long at the end and decided to cut that unwanted shit out. (you can hit the play button just to make sure you’re happy with what you got. Hit ok when u done deezy

THEN BOOM THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. THAT BOOTIFUL ASS YURIO’S FACE HELL yeAH. Okay. So on the right hand side you have all your layers. but we missing the timeline bro. SO you go to window> timeline

DAMN LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE READY TO MAKE A GIF. You can skip ahead and learn about timing. Keep reading for the KMPLAYER way.

III. IMPORTING- KMPLAYER

oKAY. You’re gonna wanna go to file> scripts > load files to stacks

A window will pop up and basically you’re gonna select all the screencaps you want for the gif and hit okay.

This shit takes my compouter f o r e v e r (compared to the VLC method.) to load and even longer afterwards when it’s being uploaded as layers. This method took my computer to load the files 3 minutes compared to the 5 seconds the VLC method took me. Like i’ve mentioned before it might just be my ancient ass computer’s fault. But this it what it looks like when it’s done loading

Okay you;re gonna wanna do the same step as VLC to create the timeline (Window>timeline).

But because this was loaded in differently the the stacks will not automatically have frames. You’re gonna want to click create timeline and you will notice you have one frame only.

So on the top right corner of the timeline you will have the option to make the layers into frames.

Now you maybe noticed that the frames are fucking backwards son like wtf man. a simple fix to that! in the list of options where you made the frames from layers, you can reverse the frames.

NOW YOU’RE DONE DEEZY. WE CAN MOVE ONE.

IV. TIMING

OKay this gets really iffy for me. I’ll just basically show you the times I use and what it may look if you capture every frame of you choose to do every 2 times (anything else isn’t recommended). In this section it’s what I use and probably not the best, but you can play around with photoshop and you can do whatever the fuck you want yo!

Anyways as you can imagine if you decide to do every frame youre gonna get a shit ton of layers(i’m gonna be working with the vlc method from this point on. any kmplayer question can be sent my way!). But it may look smoother! *will make a note on this*. Downside, the file is prob gonna be WAY bigger.

For ex: Every frame. 103 FRAMES FUCK MAN.

Every 2 frames: 53 frames

So it’s basically about half cuz u know math

OKay. so when i do gifs I usually set the time to “0.06″ but I put “0.07 for every 2 frames. To change the timing make sure you have all the frames selected (click the first frame then go to the last frame and Shift+click it). Now that all the frames are highlighted you want to hit the down arrow and click other. This is where you set the time and hit okay.

every frame @ 0.06 (No cropping/no coloring/no sharpening)

every 2 frames @ 0.07

So it’s really personal preference. I just have it so ingrained to do every frame at 0.06 since i started making gifs years ago, but i feel like the every 2 frames at 0.07 looks smoother for anime? Really guys experiment and see what you like better!

V. CROPPING

Yay lets get to cropping! These are the current dimensions for tumblr

one picture/gif: 540px width two pictures/gifs: 268px three pictures/gifs: 177px, 178px (middle), 177px spaces: 4px

-itsphotoshop

I always crop my gifs. I just think they look nicer when they’re crop.To start cropping you either wanna hit “C” on your keyboard or clip the crop tool. Afterwards you can put a value of the dimensions (i tend to do 268x165 or 268x170 when I to he gifset with 8 different gifs). Now you can drag the box over the gif to position it where exactly you want the focus to be. You either double click the box or hit enter when you wanna crop.

You might not want to have it dead center. so yeah this what it looks like if you just dragged it:

Damn yurio is looking good dead in center, but you noticed the 2nd half yurio isn’t in the middle no more. When you’re cropping you wanna keep this in mind. (you can always make two separate gif to have it all centered but i can make a dif tutorial for that).

This what it looks like if i decided to keep the cropping in the center:

Overall both scenes are more centered.

BUT WHAT IFF YOU JUST WANNA ZOOM IN ONTO YURIO’S FACE?? i got chu bro. I’m goning to delete the 2nd half of the gif for the purpose of this example. So what you’re gonan want to do is drag a side of the square until you’re happy with what you want.

Here i just dragged the bottom. Since I have my measure inplace from before, no matter what side i drag it it’s always gonna be the same ratio of 268x170 so no need to worry !

Regular crop:

Crop to zoom in on the face:

THE MORE YOU KNOW ABOUT CROPPING :D!!!

OKay. Once you’re done cropping you’re gonna want to resize that!

I’m going back to the original gif with both scenes.

To resize an image you either can hol the CTRL+ALT+i or go to image>image size

a window will pop up and youll type in what size you wanted. Because i had the dimensions typed in while i was cropping it will basically do the ratio for u

the original size was 1702x1080. Once i typed 268, the program kept the ratio and changed the height. SORRY IM NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW.

We went from this:

to this:

it’s not a HUGE change but there is a change!

VI. Coloring *bonus

I have no authority on color tbh It takes me to forever to color shit and i’m h o r r i b l e at it. so i aint gonna discuss this much but here what coloring can do for u!

original:

to this garbage:

I don’t really like it but i just did it quickly for the sake of this tutorial. If you wanted an idea of what I did

The best way I learned to color was from PSDs others made or just fucking around in PS. Here are some resources:

PSDs: x x x Tutorials: x x

VII: Sharpening:

Oh man okay so i use an action for my gifs but the thing is i downloaded a long ass time ago. It may be this, but im not entirely sure. This hella easy yo!

so you wanna select all the layers:

then you wanna convert the frame animation to a timeline (make sure you changed the time you want the frames to be before you convert!)

You will notice the frames changed on the bottom. Now you wanna go to filter>convert to smart layer

Now you only have one layer!

With this one magic layer you can sharpen all your goddamn layers all at once.

If you don’t have the action you can do the basic sharpening. Okay now go back to the filter tab>Sharpen>smart sharpen. I have use this option in YEARS but i believe the kinda go too was this:

and hit okay!

Before sharpening:

After sharpening:

the lines are more defined in the 2nd gif, If you were able to download the action this is how you use it.

GO to Windows> actions.

WHere the red circle you click, and find the option for load actions. Once you load it you wanna make sure you selected the smart layer and hit th eplay button and the action should sharpen it for u

BOOM. your gif is sharpen. So lts compare all three now.

No sharpening:

Smart sharpening only:

Action (Smart sharpening + blur)

I like the action th most because it’s not as intense as the smart sharpening only. WOW U FINISH A GIF CONGRATULATIONS NOW YOU WANNA SHOW THIS BABY TO THE WHOLE WORLD RIGHT? WELL IMMA SHOW U HOW,

VIII. SAVING THAT SON OF A BTICH

So basically you either hold alt+ctrl+shift+S or file>save as for web

and a window aPPEARS. These are the settings i use to save:

BE CAUTIOUS OF THE SIZE OF THE GIFS: I BELIEVE THE MAX SIZE IS 2MB

this gif is under 1mb so im safe yo! Some tips if gif is too large is to add a selective layer>black> then +5-10

another tip is to use optimize tool if yOU HAVE TO: go to the top right corner

now u done deezy

u save that shit

and cry

send me an ask if you need shit cleared up.

#my shit tutorial

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survivorkvaloya · 7 years ago

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Episode #3: “I Wanna Start S#!t” - Chelsea

Honestly, Steffen, not much has happened for me in the first two episodes. We'll go over it really quick. I liked my original tribe of 5 with Jules, Liam, Christine, and Ryan. They were all awesome. My mentor, Colin, a fellow House of Shade alumni--also awesome. We won the flash game challenge (of the 5 competitors of my tribe, I scored 1 point which landed me in the middle of our tribe rankings). I bonded with Christine early. That could be something to hang onto. The following round was a crapshoot competition and we won that, too! On my new tribe, I like Lauren and Jack and I also have Christine there. I really wish there was more dirt or drama because I love writing lengthy confessionals, but things are just getting started here!

Alright. So I guess no one wants pleasant kind hearted lily around. They want mean angry bitter ass lily which I'm happy to give but they ain't gonna like it. I got an extra vote on this island thing that no one is gonna know about because fuck these bitches. I know I will need the upper hand later when the couples try to destroy the singles. When I get out of reflection island I'm gonna try to buddy up with Connor and ask him to be my new mentor. Jules I'm pissed. I wish I knew exactly what happened but I will try to get to the bottom of it and make sure all those losers pay. I hope you start feeling better too. I feel like I can't trust anyone after that but Jackson seems pretty genuine of not knowing or not being able to do anything. But, because of this HUGE betrayal everyone on that other tribe can fend for themselves. I'll be all nice nice yeah I'd love to work with you but nah. I ain't interested. Let's be clear here, I have no loyalties and I'm not playing some kind of loyal game. You cut my mentor ill cute you. BYE Andreas also told me about Jules getting voted out most likely before the vote which is cool. I appreciate that. But Nicholas Colin we ain't buddies. I'm rooting for a student to win but it ain't y'all. Tonight I will hopefully put together a board of what original tribes people were on their swap tribe and who their mentor is. I think this will help me get a better picture of what's going on. Also, being bitter as fuck only two days in? My aesthetic.

Oh and also I miss the damn creative challenge? There better be more to come because I'm sad. I've never done a music video challenge this was my shot and these bitches took me out!!! What the HECKIE????

nothing's really happened imo. this main is slow. i want drama. nicholas said there's a majority cross tribe alliance. where's my invite? i wanna start shit. my goal is just to make merge so i can blow up, the best way "Trixsea" Steele knows how. :) :) :)

I know i killed this music video challenge, but Chelsea told me that me and only 3 others submitted anything and after re-reading the rules and seeing that its an extra 5 points for every appearance we could actually be fucked. It wouldn't be to big of a problem because honestly I like going to tribal and getting to vote people off, but I also know of the cross tribe majority alliance who supposedly has majority on our tribe right now. If we lose this I'll probably try to blow up and either shake that alliance up or go out in a blaze of chaotic glory.

Im at tribal right now and I was getting a sick feeling that I was going to be the one voted out... But I always feel like that. I think that I am going to get my team together, Liam got a vote and if he wasn't sure if he wanted to work with me (even thought he said he wanted to) so yeah.... Me, Andreas, Colin, Liam, Ryan, Jackson... Then we have the numbers? yeah cus there is only nine of us rn. We could pull in Conner to make life really easy and to add a couple number just encase. If we do that then out of everyone we would have: Me and Liam, Colin and Brett, Ryan and Jackson, Andreas and... someone (-_- sorry) and then Conner who lost their student. Thats 9 people in a game with 18? maybe that about half. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore but I do know that this needs to happen soon before I get bumped to the side... I do no like being a side bitch

Ahhhh, I'm literally so in love with this challenge it was so much fun and Chelsea did such an amazing job editing it. If we don't win I'll be shocked...and scared. Lauren disappeared for a bit and didn't participate so like I'm a little...or a lot worried for her. As of right now I literally love this tribe. QuilLynn is super smart and I adore her, Willow and Chelsea are sweet and adorable and Brett is a gem. I guess the only person I haven't clicked with is Jack but for now everything's looking good and Im hoping we win the challenge :)

Whew, I'm so excited to have won immunity! The challenge was so much fun and now...its messy cause alliances are starting to form and QuilLynn told me about one that apparently me and Lauren are in? So I don't know if Lauren's making deals without me or what, but nobody's approached me specifically and I'm not in any chats so! I'm not sure what's going on and I don't like it. I think right now my #1 is QuilLynn. She's smart, sweet and very easy to talk to so I officially adore her and wanna protect her at all costs. I need to get things in order with Lauren cause I don't wanna get in the middle of some warfare we don't need to be in.

We lost. Again. This is the worst. My tribe is cursed. Kinda. It's like a blessing in disguise for me tbh. I'm using this time to recover from last round and regroup. There's more talk of a majority alliance forming and I wanna make sure it happens so I can solidify my place in it. I think my number 1 ally has shifted from Nicholas to Jackson now. Jackson is literally my fave person in this game. He's so nice and fun to talk to, he's socially and strategically aware, and most importantly, he's really cute and nice to look at so! I still got that alliance with JD and Andreas but I am not really loyal to it. JD seems to playing messily and I've mentioned before Andreas seems too well connected for his own good. Anyway, onto this vote! Literally? The only thing I've heard? Is Connor? but....... that's all I've heard. Connor isn't putting out another name. No one else is putting out another name. And that's a recipe for paranoia in my mind. I wanna trust the majority that's been built, JD says Jackson and Ryan will be voting with us, and I trust them 10000% but I'm a paranoid hoe.

my confessional game so far has been weak af so far like I literally forgot to write a confessional last round, so I guess I'll just do a quick recap. Essentially I have mixed feelings about my tribe bc there are 3 other people who I really like Chelsea, QuilLynn, and Gage. We ended up creating an alliance and QuilLynn titled it "arent you Klad I didn't say fjorden" which is iconic! Anyway that cookie challenge last round killed me but I'm glad I came up with the strategy to split 3 on 0, 3 on 9 and 3 in the middle. Lily was convinced that they weren't going to put all their cookies on one of our tribe mates so like I'm kinda glad I proved her wrong lmao idk. As for the people I have mixed feelings about Jack is okay I mean he usually replies but in PMs he can be kinda boring and give one word answers. Christine is really nice but she just doesnt reply a lot? maybe she just doesnt like small talk or something. Brett, I've heard really good things about him but he only replies when its about him lol, like if I ever start sharing one of my stories or whatever idk he just stops replying lol. Lauren, okay shes super cute but seems inactive. Anyway I was like super excited that we got to do the music video challenge this round, its always super fun even though what I make is always really awkward lmao. Anyway like 4 people from our tribe didnt submit, Jack was sick (so he says), Gage was moving which is alright, and Lauren (didn't say anything about why she didn't do it lol), and Chelsea was editing so its all good. Shes like a really good editor and our video turned out great so I'm glad we won even though we had like 4 people in the video compared to them having like 7. So then QuilLynn informs me that Chelsea told her that theres a majority alliance of like 8ish people?? like what the fuck thats about half the people here. So its Andreas-Jack, Colin-Brett, JD-Liam, and potentially Lauren-Christine. And there are a bunch of people we're unsure could be in the alliance. And then as Im hearing about the alliance I'm realizing that it consists of the people on my tribe who dont always reply to me lol or when they do are boring. And I mean I know im not the most interesting texter but these people are worse then me. So then I was talking to Ryan and asking him about his tribe and the reward and stuff to see if I could get any information about whether if hes in the majority or not without directly asking. So I was like whats was the idol clue reward this time and he told me about how it has to do with whoever gets the lowest score in the challenge, which sounds super complicated bc if someone with the lowest score doesnt have the clue then no one gets the idol. And he gave the clue to me, and I wanna give it to QuilLynn but we dont need too many people throwing the challenge and if one of our alliance members already has it then it should be alright, and it'll keep up my trust with Ryan since Im not supposed to give it to anyone so Im hoping its a win win. but he told me that I wasnt supposed to tell anyone about what the reward was but before he told me that I had already told my alliance bc I think I trust them more oops? but I think I want to trust Ryan. I told him that I heard rumors about a cross tribe majority alliance but thats all I knew, and he told me about a group of mentors and students talk about a potential alliance and they asked Danielle about it and she told Ryan she would try to get him in if she could. So then I tried talking to Danielle just making small talk or whatever and she only gave one word answers, which was fucking weird? Like some shit is clearly going on that I dont know about? I can already tell im becoming messy af which I wanted to not try to do as much as I did last season but maybe im just naturally a messy player and theres nothing I can do about it lol. Anyway I hope the majority isnt something I should worry about and I hope they self destruct somehow or Im just hoping that it doesnt exist at all and it was just a rumor made up to scare people or some shit.

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sin-scythes-and-assaults · 7 years ago

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Family Sucks: The Rant (tm)

When I see posts and videos that are like ‘aw my mum/dad/carer are so cool I relate to them so much we’re best friends!!! !! !! ! ! !! !! !!!!’ I wanna just cry tbh because I know that I will never have anything like that??? I feel like I need to get the whole story out for whoever is reading this to understand so I guess ill start with my dad. My dad, for lack of a better term, is an arsehole. For all his claims that ‘you’re my child of course I love you!’, he really had a problem showing that. When I think of him, I don't think about the now-obvious attempts to win us over in some silent war between my mum and him - I think of how he’d ask me what I did at school (aged 6), and then completely ignore what I said, saying a quiet ‘uh huh, yeah, sounds great!’ as he sat on his phone in the car waiting for my older sister. I’d remember the disinterest he had towards us in terms of our hobbies and interests, and even discouraged me at times because the things I wanted to do ‘weren’t suitable for a girl’ (it was fishing. I wanted to learn how to fucking fish like both of my brothers, and he said no because I was a girl. I had to teach myself and save up for months to buy my own rod, bearing in mind I was about 8-10yo at the time). I’d remember the screaming matches at 3 in the morning with my mother, who I didn't realise was actually standing up for herself for once. My mum, when I was younger, wasn't much different. However, she had a reason, and I excuse her for it. She used to work full time as a nurse, with very limited pay, and had to look after my three siblings and I, not to mention provide for a father who did next to nothing about the house, but contributed greatly to the bills. She was tired - and I don't mean ‘yawn ooh I'm a little bit sleepy’. I mean. Tired. She tried not to fall asleep during mealtimes, knowing that in a few hours she’d have to go on another 11 hour shift. She’d take sleep where she could, but it wasn't enough because she had to look after four of us and a father who was barely there. We were a poor family, mainly because my dad refused to help with anything other than the mortgage and the electricity and gas bills. He didn't pay for food for a family of 6 every week, my mum did, and she barely made enough money as it was. Also, I don't know why, but I have always thought that, to some extent, these severe money problems were my fault. Don't ask why, I just thought they were. She tried to connect with all of us while she could, but I think that because I was the youngest, I was the last priority. I felt excluded from the whole family, being constantly picked on by my older brothers and my sister, too. My self worth also went down when I made friends with a certain girl in my year at school. She abused me. She hit me, slapped me across the face, bit me and dug her nails into my skin until I bled. This happened regularly. I still have a scar on my hand when she decided to make me play a ‘cute game’ where one person was basically to hurt themselves until the other person completed a task. (I wont go into details about this game bc its fucking horrible) She didn't even properly tell me what was happening, only to ‘trust her’, and I ended up getting hurt for it. She humiliated me in front of someone I had a crush on for almost a year multiple times, called me fat (which prompted me to have a very bad diet consisting of only one small meal a day and nothing else, thinking it would make me attractive), worthless, and blackmailed me into staying in contact with her, even until about 4 or 5am most nights. This took a toll on my mental health, and I started to self harm. Life sucked, I finally confronted her about it with my best friend, and she fucked off, claiming she was the victim. I managed to stop self harming. Things got better. But!! !!! !!!! ! A few years later I fell out with my Best friend over something (I cant even remember what??? I'm p sure it was my fault though and I still feel fucking terrible) and we didn't talk to each other again (I recently got in contact with her though and she’s still as amazing as ever. I missed her so much) Fast forward to the second half of 2014, where my parents arguing had come to a head (bearing in mind, the reason for said fighting was kept from me until only a few months ago) and my dad had permanently moved out. They got a divorce and now live miles away from each other. My dad, being the glorious fuckwit he is, decided to give us a total of 3 months to sell our house, find a new one to buy that was more affordable and could house 5 people (which was simply impossible) and move in. This is because he decided to stop paying the mortgage , and we had three ‘paid’ months left until it essentially got repo’d, unless we find this magical fantasy house he left us to find. As you can imagine, it didn't go well. We did manage to sell our house, but we had to lower the price drastically so the snotty family that bought it would actually consider it (they were arseholes too). So we had limited money from the sale of our house to buy the one we had picked out, which was now too expensive for us. We didn't get the rest of the money in time. We ended up homeless for a year, but fortunately, my gran had a big house. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room for us all, even if we shared. My eldest brother, Dominic, was essentially ‘booted out’ to go live with his girlfriend and her family because he was ‘expected to’. We hardly see him now. (I miss him) I had to share a room with multiple family members, so I had no privacy at all. The only time I was alone was when I was in the shower. Meanwhile, my gran was picking apart my school life, my hobbies and my interests, saying that what I wanted out of my future wasn't worthwhile. I had to deal with this for a year. A year. I relapsed into self harm, almost went through with killing myself on multiple occasions, and thought about genuinely just up and running just so I could leave all the shit behind. We found a house. It was a shithole and the seller was wanting way more than it was worth -It was all we could afford. We bought it. We had to spend thousands damp proofing the whole house because the guy lied and said he had done it. We had to spend thousands on new windows because they had severe problems and were letting in currents of water when it rained. There was rot beneath the floor and in the attic so we had to spend hundreds to get it redone. We became very very poor again. I could hear my mum crying herself to sleep at night again. If we had been any more in debt we would have had to sell this house just months after getting it. My room is so small I cant lie out on my floor without my feet hitting a wall, the walls are so thin that I can hear my sister breathing as she sleeps in the room across the hall. I began to collect plants. They depended on me, they needed me, and that's the kind of responsibility that I needed - something wanted me. I had something to look forward to at the end of the day. I had mini hydrangeas, a trellis with honeysuckle and jasmine by my window, lavender, lemonbalm, everything. I knew what their individual needs and wants were and in turn they helped me sleep at night. They started to die. My mum had decided to spray them with a pesticide that was too ‘strong’ for them, and in the wrong places. Their leaves started to rot and they all. Died. I still act to this day that it wasn't a big deal, that it was just a silly mistake, but I know that I wont ever find that same happiness again????? I think about those plants sometimes and somehow I always bring the blame around to me and I don't understand why I do that with everything?? Regardless, I was fucking sad and my mum started to bitch about it. Then, I find out a few months ago that the reason that my mum and dad got a divorce was because my dad had been cheating since at least the mid 90′s. since a few years before I was born. For 18 fucking years he had been cheating, all with different women apparently, and I had been fucking clueless. Again, because I'm a self-depreciating piece of shit, I brought the blame back to me and tell myself ‘if you noticed sooner you could've said to ma and she wouldn't have had to go through that shit’ but the thing is, I know I wouldn't have realised because I didn't know any different??? And when I tried to talk to my ma about it one thing she said was that ‘there were faults on both sides’ and now that's got me thinking ‘what if she cheated too?’ If it turns out she has, I seriously don't know what I'm going to do??? because shes made it out all these years that they've been divorced that my dad is the ‘bad guy’ and I don't know what I'm going to do if I find out the woman I've been heralding as ‘strong and brave’ for standing up to that kind of behaviour from my dad did the same thing And it scares me so much Who knows I might add to this later through an edit but now im in a rlly sad place n I wanna stop

#don't rb #ciod an ifrinn #mmmm gotta love that excluded feeling

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bpd-black · 8 years ago

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hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

#bpdblack.txt #ask #about me #blackness is ethereal #recovery #medication #self dx #hospitalization #bpd

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