#also i'm not ready to talk college point guards. because who the fuck even knows what will happen with them or how they'll adjust to pro

[female-buckets]

Sue is a good PG but she's grossly over hyped and exposed because she is an attractive white women. No black woman is going to come out against anything she gets because they don't want to be perceived as aggressive. Perks of being a white women, you'll always be seen as better than BW and anyone who says otherwise is bullying you.

I don't want to overhype white players on this blog. But I've been following the Seattle Storm since 2004 so I have a Storm bias.

I've spent the last few posts criticizing Courtney Vandersloot hype. I do think Vandersloot is hyped over Chelsea Gray due to race. But Gray and Sloot aren't greats yet. They're each still working on their legacies.

I'm a Phoenix fan. I like Skylar. But Skylar is notorious for struggling in clutch moments. Arike's a clutch god, but she'd rather drop 30 than have more than 3 assists in a game. Maybe I'm biased against one-on-one/scoring point guards. But I just don't put these two on the same level as balanced PGs like Gray and Sloot.

Sue is a vet, so she's a player you compare with other vets. I don't believe you can name one GOAT player. Each great player is impressive in a number of categories. But, no two greats are impressive in exactly the same way.

Tamika Catchings is a basketball super sayan. But she was a point-forward like Taurasi. I don't consider either of them point guards. They're too versatile and they each invented their own position and unique role. They both prefer playing with a point guard over being a point guard. This is why people compare Catchings with Taurasi and Swin Cash rather than comparing Catchings with Bird.

Tweety was a shooting guard, but she played point on a few teams. I'd rather compare her with other legendary shooting guards like Cappie Pondexter and Seimone Augustus.

The fact is, when Sue Bird came into the league, there was a shortage of point guards at her level. The style of play for point guards was different from what she was doing. She set a scoring standard for her generation of point guards. If you weren't scoring over 10, you weren't cutting it. Kara Lawson and Becky Hammon were chasing what she was doing, and Becky took it to an extreme.

Dawn Staley was the starting point guard in Athens while Sue barely played. Sue was the more skilled player and imminent champion in 2004, but Dawn was a better leader and respected veteran. Dawn taught Sue what it meant to lead and command respect from veterans. I think Dawn's legend, her impact on the game, her character, that's what makes her great. I love watching her play, even though she played an older style of the game. She just had a powerful aura. That's why she's a great NCAA coach. Successful college coaches all have that larger-than-life magnetic charisma.

Cynthia Cooper and Sue Bird were two different eras. The WNBA wouldn't exist without Cooper. Is there any way to even compare her with other players? If we're talking about hoop gods, she's the head of the whole pantheon. She set the tone for the level of competition in the WNBA.

As for other white point guards, Becky got hype for carrying her franchise. It's not easy to carry a franchise as a 5'5" point guard. Her rosters were mostly lemons and she made lemonade. Opponents facing San Antonio would double team her. Imagine being that intimidated by a mouse. Also, it's hard to avoid press when you play for Russia in the olympics. The whole country branded her a traitor. That's a lot of press.

Arike's a much more deadly scoring point guard than Hammon was. If Nigeria puts together a competitive enough team, she might play for them in the Paris olympics. And if she does, she'll be the next Hammon. And that would be awesome tbh.

[noodlepai]

(OKAY okay so I've come to provide more information on the AU, I'm still working on it a lot so things might change or be added but I got a basic idea of what things are like rn !!)

Info dump moment rn, also TW for slight trauma mentions/hints

• Sam had managed to save the Wii from melting itself all those years ago, and is a pretty big person on tech, so she likes to experiment and try new things, and actively tries to help Eteled out or transfer him through devices so he isn't just stuck in one place all the time, with lots of trial and tons of error, especially since she knows the Wii's getting old and that it can be unstable occasionally with glitches

• Kyle has also taken a liking to learning more about technology through Sam's influence so he sometimes comes over and they both will just study and brainstorm ideas

• Sam moved out of her home and now lives in her own apartment, is in college to pursue her dream of working around and creating technology, hasn't really considered making a job out of it since she mostly does it for fun and likes to achieve her dream goals, Nathan and Kyle also occasionally visit to just hang out and do whatever, usually resulting in the three staying up very late into a movie or game night, and Eteled having to talk Sam into getting sleep for the next morning

• Even though Sam is big on all tech, consoles and video games, she still has a soft spot for old generation consoles in particular

• Sam, Nathan and Kyle had all gotten pretty close growing up so they're like a dumbass trio /lh

• Will moved out of state or some shit

• Kyle wakes up from his villain arc and makes a truce with Eteled /J.. FR though Kyle softens up and becomes more understanding of Eteled's side after they start talking it out, while what happened did bother him at the time all those years ago, he just kinda grew up to the point where it didn't have such of an effect on him anymore, I mean all he saw was a Mii get slice and diced, no need to go beast mode over it, so they forgive each other of the past

• Kyle and Nathan are besties to homosexuals, homie love

• Sam made a Mii of herself from when she was younger to keep Eteled company when going out or having to attend school, Eteled appreciated it but wouldn't wanna admit how it wasn't the same and about how much he would miss Sam when she had to get off the Wii

• Gives Eteled abandonment issues because I love being evil

• He's actually clingy on the inside but would never admit it to anyone

• Also views Sam as a sort of daughter figure besides just a friend but is too nervous to mention it, he wants Sam to be safe, loves whenever she talks or rants to him about anything or shows him something she made or is proud of, or even just anything at all, father Eteled is proud of his child/bestie

• He like, genuinely feels loved around her and would definitely cry about it but would never show it, or at least try not to

• Eteled has the favorite Mii pants because Sam put them on him, with quote "I think it's about time my best friend gets to rock a new style", and yes it did make him almost cry on the spot

• Austin is like, mentally conflicted as hell

• Austin and Eteled both feel guilty for what they've done to each other over the years, aren't sure they can or are ready to forgive the other but they're very slowly learning to tolerate each other

• They're like enemies to kinda friends in a way

• They're traumatized mfs

• They still sometimes fight but it's usually just yelling or saying shit now, they don't do the chair, deletion or axe really anymore since they at least got to the point where they respect each other's boundaries and triggers, and there's no point to keep doing the same old for over 10+ years, for the most part, they still slip up sometimes

• They do fuck up though occasionally so that's why Eteled has scars and Austin is a bit more bashed up

• They still have a rooted dislike for each other they're trying to get over but they sometimes chill out or talk, usually when Sam is asleep or off the Wii for a while, the two just will maybe visit or sit around to at least try to understand the other better

• Sam knows Austin is still around, and it took a while but with time she grew to accept him when he didn't seem like a big threat anymore, and that he was just as important of a soul as Eteled was, she still didn't like the fights and didn't know the full story

• She'd probably section them away from the other with a child gate if she could

• Austin of course has an ego and would never tell another soul that he has many nightmares of the server room and about what happens if he gets caught off guard or is sleeping when Eteled decides to attack him again, Eteled wouldn't do that, and Austin knows it but it's just the deep rooted fear he can't get rid of, even though he's much taller and technically more powerful than the smaller Mii

• Eteled is just tired, usually just sleeps in the Mii channel, especially when under stress or tires himself out if he's going through a moment, like triggered memories or emotions

• From all the deleting and the chair, and more crap from his early life, Eteled is just terrified of it all so even the idea of them scares the fuck out of him, so as a natural response he just tries to defend himself with his axe even if he would be shaking like a chicken, he really tries not to pull it out but he can't always stop himself

• The axe itself would probably also bother Austin a bit, but he would still try to cautiously calm Eteled down since he knows he's just afraid, so afterwards they'd probably have to awkwardly apologize for what the fuck happened at that very moment

• Sam sometimes offers them both to play a game together with her, or plans on playing with Eteled and invites Austin along, as a way to make them bond, they do end up having some fun though

• Eteled has seen and/or been around or within newer Nintendo consoles, but personally prefers being in the Wii since he's used to it the most, and it's the most comfortable and homey to him

• Oh yeah, if Austin or Eteled is having an episode or is deeply upset then the other will try to help sometimes if it's really bad, Austin tries to hide it more but it doesn't always work, yeah they have reasonable reasons to not like the other, but they aren't complete assholes

• They both got trauma memories and aren't gonna just watch the other suffer through it

• Austin may or may not have taken in what Eteled had said all that time ago about "Learning to move past the past", even though that technically makes Eteled a hypocrite when he's constantly beating himself up about shit mentally, even after years, they are both doing it tbh

• Also Kyle doesn't know about Austin 100% but is curious to know his story and who he is and used to be, and how he got in the Wii, especially after the passing of his family member of the same name, little does he know..

• Sam also doesn't know about any of it, neither Sam or Kyle know of what happened or Austin's story, Austin being in a tight spot since he doesn't wanna reveal his identity yet, knowing the possible reaction, for Eteled's sake, Sam's and especially Kyle's, and Eteled being absolutely fucking terrified since the fear of losing someone like Sam could become real, and the small but growing friendship he was slowly making with Kyle could go right back to hatred and wanting the small Mii deleted, not including the fact that he still eats at himself for his past actions so it being brought back up again would be a ✨mess✨

• Austin doesn't know if he forgives Eteled or not, but wants to try to move past it and not be reminded in any way

• Nathan is still a little lowkey scared of Eteled ngl, doesn't wanna upset him or anything and Eteled can tell, he probably sighs to himself but he can't blame the guy

• Kyle has thought about making another Mii of himself on what is now long been Sam's Wii, now that he's older and him and Eteled are rather chill, but decided against it since he wasn't sure, not because he didn't trust Eteled, but because he figured it could potentially remind the Mii of the past, so whenever he plays on it he just uses Eteled

(That's all I can really recall on the top of my head for now, whenever I remember more or add on things I'll probably make a new post about it)

[resinatingbeauty]

In Memory of The Best Friend I Ever Had - RIP Shadow (assumed)- 4/30/2021

Shadow showed up at my parents house where I lived at the time, one night back in 2016. I had just gotten home from working at a local country club late in the evening, tired, and physically burnt out from working 40+ hours a week on top of going to college for my associates degree. I saw something pass by the driveway out of the corner of my eye. Something massively fluffy, tail straight up in the air, trotting along. There are many feral cat colonies in this town and many cat owners that lived on that street. Needless to say, I didn't expect this one to whip back around and start chirping at me, rubbing my legs after I called to her.

My mother was adamant when my last two cats had past 8 or so years prior that she wasn't looking for any more pets. My mom loves animals, but she also loves her home and was thinking about doing renovations before adopting any new companions. I knew I was in trouble when this cat came to me with nothing but affection, clearly malnourished, but strangely well groomed. I knew she had to be owned by someone, I had no idea who.

That night I went inside after spending some time enjoying her company. At the time, I was calling 'Charlemange'' as a play on 'Charlemagne'. I had been taking a medieval humanities course at the time and the name seemed fitting enough considering how much scraggly fur she had. Huge paws. Big, fluffy tail and mane. I had never seen a cat so gorgeous around the area. All the feral cats are short hairs, reinforcing my notion that she had to be someone's pet.

I watched through the window slit of the front door as Charlemange played with the moths and other bugs that were attracted to the lamp post my parents have at the end of the driveway and regretted leaving her out there.

I simply thought that Charlemange would return home where she belonged. When I went out to my back screened in patio, whom do you think was waiting for me? Meowing? Charlemange. To my mother's horror, she would launch herself at the screen and hang there to get our attention. Imagine this big ass cat hanging from your screened in porch you've been trying to renovate by all her claws.

She was persistent and Charlemange NEVER returned home, wherever home was.

Eventually, I sealed the deal, low key giving her a can of tuna. Now you see how Shadow went from Charlemange to Shadow.

For about a month, all I had to do was make a high pitched noise and Shadow would come out of wherever brush she was stalking, running and talking until she found me. One evening, I went to give her her dinner, and she shot in the front door.

Mortified, I watched as she scooted right into the one place that I dreaded her to go. My parent's room. That night, as a 20 something, I received a lecture from my father about how my mother felt about pets. 'She isn't a kitten, you know,' he said, 'thats a grown cat. Someone else's cat.'

I just listened and acknowledged what he was saying. I knew there was no point trying to explain what exactly happened. When my dad got done going off on the back porch and went back in to bed, I heard a meow from the patio door. Shadow had been standing at the door, waiting for him to leave , almost like she was saying, 'Hey, I'm really sorry about that, sis,'

Shadow would go on to live in or around the property for nearly a month. I made an effort to find her owners and return her to no avail. Eventually, a single mom I had been working as a private tutor for as a side hustle agreed that she would take Shadow. This would only last for a few months. The family had another cat, Karma, whom had been declawed (I abhor this) and two little girls who had no respect for animals (especially cats) because of this. I knew how the oldest handled Karma and my only solace in handing Shadow over was that I knew she wouldn't be hit by a car, would be fed, loved to a degree, and would scratch the shit out of them if they fucked up.

Their mother ended up calling me, giving me money to bring Shadow in to the humane society, saying she was a wonderful cat, just not the best fit for the girls. I could only imagine what Shadow went through at that house, because the time there changed her. The collar I had on her was returned to me snapped in two. It looked like it had been pulled off. I cringed thinking about it and never put another collar back on that cat. At the time, a woman had been busted hoarding 100+ cats that had all been relinquished to the humane society and local rescues. The humane society's solution for most was euthanasia and I wasn't about that for Shadow. Back to my backyard she went.

Eventually, Shadow won over my mother and my father, especially my father, whom you would never think would love that cat so much. When my mother brought Shadow to the vet, we were surprised to find she had a chip in her ear registered to someone on our block. As per protocol, animal control was sent out to investigate. The woman told animal control that she didn't want the cat. All she did was run away. Shadow's real name was Holly, but she was still Shadow to me.

Shadow became the best friend I ever knew. Not a night went by where she wasn't under my covers sharing the pillow with me, laying stretched out on her back or side as the little spoon. If she wasn't in my bed, she would sit at the door to the bedroom, guarding me or in a chair next to me, always watching. I could do no wrong in that cat's eyes. She was the highlight of my day when I got home from every crappy job I had since. A furry coat to soak up the tears shed during long nights of insomnia and depression. An inspiration for my art and spirituality. My familiar and kindred spirit. If I would talk to her, she would respond with chirps and meows like she knew exactly what I was saying. If someone else was in the room giving her attention and I walked in, she would perk up and run toward me like they never existed. Shadow was the second cat that chose me. I have never chosen a cat from a shelter or adoption / rescue facility. This is how I acquired both my childhood furry friend and Shadow.

It all began when I noticed Shadow's fur was sticky and stiff, like she had been sitting in honey. Just the end of her tail at first. She always had this silly habit of sitting in her food tray, so I cleaned it and her and thought nothing of it until the drooling started.

Shadow had always been a drooler, but not to this extent. Drool bubbles would pop from her left lip. One night, when I came home from work before I started my leave to focus on my Etsy shop, I was horrified to find her sitting on the couch with a bloody chin. Now, there wasn't a large amount of blood, but this alarmed me significantly. It was time to see a vet, like, yesterday. Thankfully, my shop sales had been great and I didn't have to fret over the bill- I was ready to pay whatever it was to make her feel better.

The vet confirmed what I knew deep down and didn't want to acknowledge because the thought was just too painful. Cancer. No chance of survival even if I wanted to go through the hell of treatment, which involved removal of the tongue and jaw. I brought Shadow home and cried, hoping for the best -that the antibiotic would work. The vet said she had been wrong before, it could just be an abscess and it would heal. Shadow was still doing cat things. Shadow was still my best friend, she still loved me, she was still trying to cuddle me at night and surrounding me with the reminder of death in the odor of her breath.

Yesterday, I brought Shadow in to be put to sleep. The decision was made when I looked up from making a rune set and saw puddles of blood on the floor, a stream of it from her face as she was sitting in the window sill. I have never felt so heartbroken. Not even at a family member's funeral. I asked to bring her home, burying her under the tree where I buried my last cat and childhood familiar, Elmo. When I saw the standard biohazard bag peeking up through the dirt, I knew that was where she belonged. With her sister. Yesterday, my heart was buried with that cat. Eleven years was not long enough but each one filled with so much love and happiness. I stood with her until the end. The only peace I feel is that I know that she is no longer hurting. I know she knew I loved her.

I miss you Shadow. To those of you who have recently lost your best friend, your familiar or the love of your life, my heart goes out to you. I hope that someone else can read this and share my pain. I understand that there was nothing I could do but love her. Love your pets. Love them as long and as well as you can- nothing is immortal. We accept this when we commit to caring for our (mostly) furry (sometimes scaly or feathery) friends. This doesn't mean that it hurts any less when we lose them.

To my customers, who have been patiently and diligently awaiting orders while Etsy forced hiatus on my shop, preventing sales during this crisis in addition to my sister in law's wedding and me poking my own eye out back and February- you all are really the best turn of luck I've had. You do not know how much I appreciate you allowing me the time to spend these last few precious moments with her. It truly means the world to me and I hope at the end you receive something worth your time and patience. I have not forsaken fulfillment, and orders are still shipping. Unfortunately, I NEED to reopen and accept new orders, as Etsy is demanding payment for $600 worth of shipping labels. My shop is still appearing as in hiatus at the moment, but I ask for all the support my friends, supporters and followers can offer at this time as I essentially will be working for free when I reopen to pay these fees. Great, right?

If you are awaiting refunds, there is literally no money in the account associated with Etsy. However, as the funds become available, I will be processing refunds / cancellations. I'm sorry for the delays, I never thought I would say I found success at the worst possible time. I urge the rest of you- if you have a deadline for your order for the love of goddess TELL ME. I am getting a little frustrated with buyers (who are frustrated with me, understandably, but still, my item descriptions are clear about relaying deadlines) who are upset or complaining about meeting gift deadlines or other deadlines I literally had no idea about. I'm a decent psychic, but not perfect.

~ Samantha

(Owner/Designer/Creator blursedbaubles.etsy.com)

[san-station]

A Quiet Place AU / ATEEZ (Post-apocalyptic)

Chapter 7

 ↝Word count: 5336 

Description: In a world full of silence and dangerous creatures seeking for blood, a group of friends have to survive for their own good and find the safe place they’ve heard about months ago.

Pairing: OC x San

WARNING: cursing, mention of death, angst, ANGST, AAAANGST. 

A/N: This took me forever because even though I’m on college vacations, work makes my head empty… and I’m not proud of it ;(. Hopefully, chapter 8 will turn out better! 

・・・・・・・・

Kids playing to be adults

When the basement door opened, I had a sad smile on my face and I was clinging to Hongjoong’s arm as he whispered the story about our time in the woods and how we found out about Wonderland, the promising land that expected us on the other side of our road. We’d been walking for weeks in the vast woods, hiding ourselves from the recent attack we had from a unknown group of rebels that wanted our food, clothes and, if we were lucky, they’ll leave us alone, but that day was one of the worst. The group leader, a guy who name I think was “Coups” refused to let us go without having some fun, and by fun I mean taking Misuk, Byol, or me, the only girls around, into hell. When he took Byol away from us, she struggled with the guy’s grip and managed to escape, but, unfortunately, Coups happened to be faster, agile and also evil. A blink later, Byol had a sharp knife nailed on the side of her neck and her eyes went backwards, full white. Coups had a hand over her mouth to quiet the noises she’d make. Blood started to flow quickly outside her body, splashing Coups face with its burgundy color and warm steam. The other group had now more members than us, thus my friends were being hold on by the rebels, incapable of saving her or any of us. 

When Coups rested the lifeless body on the wet mod carefully and gestured to reach for Misuk, the tan boy, Lucas, wrestled in a rebels arms and tossed him on the ground with a thump noise, everybody tensed and Lucas started to signed with trembling hands. 

“Stop! Don’t hurt anyone else, please…”, Lucas’ face was shocked, he was one of the strongest of us, he would always take care of his friends and, when the apocalypse started, he was devastated that he couldn’t safe his family, forthemore, he decided to protect his new family, us. The air in his lungs traveled as fast as it got there, sweat started to roll down his forehead and his eyes looked between Byol’s body, the leader, Misuk and me.  

“I can’t take an offer if I’m not winning anything in exchange”, Coups approached and capture Misuk’s wrist, she didn’t flinch at all, keeping a straight face. 

“Take me instead! I- I’m strong, I can carry things!”, Lucas tried again, stepping forward cautiously with hands in the air. The rebels looked at their leader waiting for his commands. Coups glanced at the tan boy from head to toe.

Like a flash, Coups took out of his back a .48 gun fully loaded and pointed it to the tall boy’s direction, he whispered: “Do you know how to use this?”

Lucas nodded hastily as he stood before us, blocking Coups’ sight. That was the day last day we saw Lucas, tears streamed down almost everyone’s eyes as we parted ways due to his sacrifice. I never got the chance to thank him nor say goodbye, they just vanished quickly and left us wandering around. 

Days later, we found a place near a river guarded by a couple of old ladies and a young boy called Jeongin. They took us for the night while we rested in a warm place with a roof. It had been a while since we had a roof over our heads when we slept. That night, Jeongin told us a story about a group of ladies that passed by days before talking about a new safe place, they called it “Wonderland” as if it was made for those who still believed in a world where noise fills your ears with joy, laughter, real voices and isolated you from fear and danger, that was our basement for us, we could talk freely after a few arrangements and for the past six months we were truly happy. 

Although, nothing lasts forever and food was running out, we started to racionate water and medicine. When Hongjoong noticed that, we had a discussion one night while everyone was eating. He made us all promise to get safe to the place where our hopes could finally be tangible, where food lasted and had variety, where we could love, laugh, stop worrying about the creatures around ready to slaughter our weak and tired bodies.

Hongjoong closed the door behind him and the room fell silent; Yeosang, San and Wooyoung gathered in the kitchen while they whispered with concerned eyes something I couldn't catch. There was no sight of the rest, so I decided to ignore them as I believed they would have the same behavior as Hongjoong before our talk. 

Joong walked next to them and they exchanged a strange glance. The air felt heavy, their bodies were alert at any moves I could make and you could cut the tension with a knife if you wanted. San cleared his throat when I walked next to them looking for the kettle and the leafs for the tea, I rolled my eyes when Yeosang avoided my eyes.

“I hope he’s doing fine”, I broke the awkward silence in the room and the guys jerked up in surprise. I missed Lucas, he was a living party in this hell, easy-going, gentle, a good friend. We will always remember how he exchanged his life for ours. 

"Ehm…", Hongjoong thought for a minute asking himself why would I said that before comprehend the idea. "I'm pretty sure he's fine, Lucas is a strong man and knows how to take care of himself", I handle him the kettle and opened a jar of jam almost empty to spread some on my right finger.

A few breaths later and shared glances, Wooyoung mumbled "she needs to know" a little bit too loud to let me understand the words. San sighed as Yeosang shook his head in denial. I turned to face them with pursed lips and raised an eyebrow as my body reflected hot steam from my upset mind.

“Quit the fucking act and tell me what’s wrong”, I sighed desperate. Having them staring at every movement I made was making me go insane, I was treated like their prey in the isolated clearing part of the forest, easy to hunt. The black haired boy flinched and turned his head to the other side. Wooyoung gulped and closed his eyes for a second. He then stepped closer and places his hands on my shoulders.

“What?”, my eyebrows knitted, San scratches the back of his neck, Yeosang sat on the couch pissed of, Hongjoong put the kettle down and looked at the basement door for something to happen.  

“We were supposed to wait until we all went down the basement again, but I know you’ll be hella mad at them for this…”, suddenly, Wooyoung made me sit on the couch next to Yeosang and took a deep breath. The tickling sensation in the middle of my chest started to emerge from the bottom of my body, confusion was all written on my face as Hongjoong and San approached a few steps near us. 

And like a bullet colliding unexpectedly into my flesh, Hongjoong spoke slowly painfully. 

“Jongho went to the abandoned city like an hour ago…”

Hold your horses… 

“What…?”, I barely said, the air in my lungs left entirely as my eyes pierced Honjoong’s pupils severely. Wooyoung moved uncomfortably on his spot, avoiding my eyes. “...Why?”, I spoke again with knitted eyebrows and dry lips. 

“The little brat wanted to keep the search. A week has passed….”, San’s voice sounded like an echo now. Why would they let him go? Why would they allow the younger boy go straight to his own death? I… I don’t understand shit. 

“Yeah, a week of a non-existing Jongho... I barely sensed him”, Wooyoung added playing with his hands, maybe he didn’t really know where to put them or it was just anxiety. 

“You all know why he wanted to go there…”, I left out a sigh. Leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, I hid my face in my hands at the same time my skin began to warm. “I can’t believe you agreed to this.”

“You were the first one saying to let him go,” Yeosang finally spoke since we came back to the basement, his face unreadiably. “You said we needed to let him be himself and not to hold him in here after Misuk’s death, Jiyeong”, he spatted a little too harsh gaining stearns from Hongjoong and San. Wooyoung just wanted to avoid all of this knowing too well the end of the conversation.

“I never thought he will really go out there!”, exasperation started to boil inside me, and it was noticing due the tone of my voice. “It could take him a whole day before even found the place that happened! You just let him go to his own death!”, I groaned and stood up of the couch, hands sweating and heart pumping insanely into my ears. 

“He’s well aware of that, he won’t do anything stupid!” Wooyoung tried to eased the heavy air surrounding the place, he really tried, yet we knew it was going to be impossible with the characters discussing. 

“And if he does, he’ll end up like Misuk and a trillion of other people, that’s the course of life”, Yeosang was on his two feet now in the other side of the room serving himself a glass of water. My lips trembled as I was barely containing myself from the rage, he always had that facility to say things without affecting him, he seemed so nonchalant about death, about love, about fun, about every fucking thing in this life…I cleared my throat and rather watch the others’ faces than his. 

“Who’s with him? Yunho? Hwa?”, I asked fisting my hands. Did Seonghwa accept to go along Jongho and show him the place where we bury her? Was he ready to do that?

“Mingi”, San replied after a long sigh and I looked him back with panic written all over my face.

“What the fuck?!”

“He insisted”, he explained scratching the back of his neck. Wooyoung whispered something to Yeosang and Hongjoong tapped his food nervously on the floor. 

“Do you realize their chances are low, right? They need protection, our protection”, a faint of sore throat started to appear when my voice came out stronger than I thought. I felt like the mother of naughty children running after them and scolding them one by one. 

“They’ll be fine, Ji, they’re adults. Stop worrying”, the black haired boy responded one more time, almost like a mumble. 

“Fuck you, San, I can’t just...  back off from this! Jongho is going to Misuk’s death spot and all he’s gonna find is nothing but dust. We-”

The basement door opened suddenly making me jump from surprise. All five heads turned to that direction just to find Yunho and Seonghwa carrying some firewood and water. 

“We started the fire on the watchtower so the others around would be more careful”, Seonghwa stated and Hongjoong patted his shoulder. Yunho joined us by sitting on the couch with a tired face. 

I frowned hearing that new, every time silence engulfed the basement, my heart beats became louder and faster to a point that made me dizzy. 

“You were saying…” Hongjoong muttered gesturing me to keep talking. I blinked a few times and licked my lips. Seonghwa looked at me with a frowned, I just ignored it. 

“We moved what was left of her body…”, I sighed and watched a specific black spot on the ground, not knowing what type of faces the guys would make to that information. “We buried her in a better place, somewhere to be missed and honoured.” My hands found their place into my jean pockets and I closed my eyes, maybe I could calm my heart taking deep breaths. 

So I did.  

“Where’s that?”, that question… that fucking question that I didn’t want to answer. 

“Near Lee’s Valley…”, Seonghwa spoke after he realized I wasn’t going to say it out loud. 

“You carried a dead body to Lee’s Valley without us?! Are you fucking crazy?!” Wooyoung’s calming presence just left the chat and we welcomed the angry and enraged Woo. 

“Nothing happened”, simply as that, Hongjoong had a concerned look on his face, San nibbled the skin of his left thumb while Seonghwa looked at me with sad eyes, Yeosang pressed his lips together showing angry eyes and Yunho intertwined his own hands with his elbows on his knees.  

“Don’t you ever go there again, Jiyeong. You know what they did with that boy, the freckles boy” Wooyoung warned. 

“Yongbok?” San asked with a quick look to his friend. 

“He’s alive” Hongjoong assured. 

“Cause he’s a Lee” Yunho added cooling the air. 

 “Yunho, shut up, please” Hongjoong shook his head. 

“It’s the truth, you only survive if you’re related” Yunho defended the statement and nodded. Then, he rested his back on the couch. 

“Jongho and Mingi would never find her without our help, I can’t believe you ruined everything we’ve been working this months just to let a potential prey be killed”, my nostrils let out the heavy breathes I was taking to stop me from bursting into tears, even if I wasn’t yelling, the hardness of my voice almost scared me, I wasn’t aware of how the different scenarios lived today could change my mood so sudden. San noticed the shift of my emotions and frowned.   

“He wants to pay respect to his dead girlfriend”, he mentioned taking one step in front of me. 

I needed to rest, I needed to go back to my glowing fantasy and be happy, no worries, no headaches.  Why are my eyes hurting so much? Why are they throbbing? Everything was burning.   

“When the hell did they start dating?”, I muttered becoming exhausted about that. 

“You’ll realized more about things if you weren’t so oblivious” Yeosang’s words came out bluntly, his sharp features judging every second I spoke.

“I’m concerned about the things that matter the most and you know it's surviving.”

“Well, maybe some people think that if we’re surviving, maybe we could start from zero with someone else”, he replied again leaning on the kitchen short countertop.

“Did you hear yourself right now? Did you guys heard that?”, my feet stepped closer to Yeosang, he hide a little smirk and my blood boiled. What is he trying to play? We finally decided to make peace and he’s ruining the whole fucking thing.

“We all need love, Jiyeong, even the girl obsessed with aliens knew it”, now it was San’s words that startled me.

I froze in the middle of the living room, a few steps near Yeosang, a few steps near San. 

Silence.

Everything fell silent after that and it felt awfully wrong. Why is this happening right now? Couldn’t he just wait until all of us joined him on the road? This situations complicated the whole plan, this brought the worst of all of us together. We were tense, we were worrying too much about the boys. Well, I was. We talked about leaving to Wonderland that day, why did Jongho and Mingi have to go when they knew the plan. Why was everything so difficult?

Interpersonal relationships should improve in a world full of disaster, fear and few quality of life options. People should trust each other, give everything for the other knowing that any time could become the last time... no, there is no way to think about anything other than survival, there is ... no… 

Hongjoong's eyes were switched between Yeosang and me, he wanted to prevent any other fight that was about to happen. Yeosang had the singularity of saying things very direct, without shame, without caring about others’ feelings as long as he didn’t feel affected or destroyed inside. Although, the truth could be quite the opposite and perhaps only sought attention to his own loneliness. However, my approach to the extreme of some situations was due to how fragile I used to be. Human beings can develop new masks to problems to avoid showing vulnerability, and there we were, trying to avoid buried feelings to emerge victoriously from an argument which end will always be brutal for everyone.

“I’m going out”, I said firmly. San’s hand found his way once again to my wrist. No, there is no fucking way to… no… Why does his hand feels like that…?

“You can’t! That’s why Hongjoong went to look out for you… after they left, Wooyoung heard some noises outside…”, Yunho spoke rational this time. His panicked voice made me stop on my way. Or was it they way San was looking at me with begging eyes? No, it definitely wasn’t… Shit.

“I don’t fucking care, they are in great danger and it’s your fault, so let me fix this…”

“No”, San stated this time. His gripped tighten a little more, without hurting.

“I need to fix this, please…”, that came out almost like a whimper. Seonghwa walked next to me and squeezed my arms while his big and deep blue eyes looked at me with determination. 

 “Until we can assure there's no more danger, no one gets out, clear?” he ordered calmly but certain that I’d respect the decision. 

“You can’t tell me what to do”, I yanked from his and San’s grip, finally free but not stepping aside. 

“You’re acting like a kid”, Yeosang whispered and rolled his eyes. That’s it, that’s my mark… 

“I’m acting like a kid? You are the one who rathers talk about relationships when it’s the end of the fucking world and our main priority is Wonderland!”, I turned abruptly to him almost hitting his face with the braids of my hair. Yeosang flinched but didn’t step back.

“We’ve survived for almost 500 days since the attack and people live their lives as if nothing happened, maybe we should do the same instead of pursuing a place we heard months ago”, the tip of his feet touched mine, I scoffed.

“You know what? Shit happened! Our families died, our friends died! We are so lucky to be alive right now and you just let our friends go to their death wish!”, my voice trembled at the end, getting weak at the sensation of tears forming in my eyes. 

“Both of you, calm down” Hongjoong muttered watching carefully our movements. I lowered my head, not wanting to face Yeosang’s stearn.

“I just want to fix this, I can’t let them die like I did with Misuk…”, I whispered fisting my hands and feeling the lump in my throat. I felt guilty already, this situation was also my fault. If Misuk hadn’t died that day, Jongho and Mingi would be home safe and sound with us.

“Jiyeong… you know it’s not your fault, we talked about this”, Wooyoung reassured smoothly, probably everyone was looking at me with sadness and concerned… I hated it. I wanted them to say it was indeed my fault, I really wanted to hear from them that my actions had consequences, that with every step forward I take, I go backwards thousands more. It was hideous being  the only one realizing the facts and not treating the guilty with compassion. 

“I’d rather be in her place than feeling the constant guilt eating me alive…” I heard how Yeosang clicked his tongue and left out a loud groan full of frustration.  

“Could you please behave yourself and stop being such a whining selfish bitch?”

Everyone flinched at the words that came out of his mouth. Yunho gasped in surprised while San clenched his jaw and was about to grab Yeosang’s shirt if it wasn’t for my arm hitting his chest to stop him. 

I was a little startled, yet I knew Yeosang would explode quickly at my words. I just couldn’t believe he’d call me like that. 

“What did you just say?”, I frowned and tilted my head a little to the side. Yeosang’s eyes scanned my face and pursed his lips again. 

“You’ve been such a crybaby since last week and it’s exhausting... We appreciate the care you had for Misuk, but life goes on, it’s time to grow up”, his voice was gentle this time, perhaps he noticed how rushed it came out for having everyone so dumbfounded. 

“Yeosang…” San started between his teeth, Yeosang interrupted stepping back. 

“Am I wrong? You all said this morning when she was out that she needed to calm down and be more rational about the situation”, his eyes traveled to every face in the basement, some of them had wide eyes and uneased faces. San and Seonghwa were madder than the others, though. “You said that if she wanted to keep going, she had to stop acting so depressed and be responsible for her actions.”

“We never said that!” Wooyoung suddenly interrupted with sharp tone, he was outrageous.  

“You did” San spatted, eyes never leaving Yeosang’s. 

“Nobody argued with me, tho. Nobody changed my mind, so you agreed indirectly with me that she’s being a whiny selfish girl ” Yeosang cleared, a smirk showing up in his face. 

Silence surrounded us one more time. Nobody argued with him, huh? I licked my lips slowly and stepped closer to Yeosang. He tensed for a second when the tip of our noses touched, but then, his features relax slightly as he tried to wipe a tiny tear streaming down my face. I slapped his hand and he flinched. I wasn’t calm at all and they’ve already watched my tears streamed from my face too much, so I cleaned my face quickly.

“Why won’t you go and fuck yourself...”, I firmly said watching his eyes. Yeosang retained his breath and gulped at my serious statement. 

After that,I walked away bumping into Seonghwa’s shoulder and entered the bathroom. I opened the shower so the noise of the running water would covered the talk outside. I felt my body drained with tiredness by the uptight situation, all I wanted was take care of them the way the always did with me but why was it so difficult? I sat on the cold floor resting my back on the wall next to the sink and let my mind travel with anything but Yeosang’s words. What would Haerin do…? Would we be in this situation if she was still alive? No… she was too smart, she could help us with this… I only seem strong but after 400 days of this mess, I can only be torn apart by the words of a friend… Yeosang was right, I was being a selfish bitch worrying about only surviving and not noticing the way people felt around. I always thought that keeping our feelings to us made us stronger, made us brave and unstoppable. I was wrong once again…  

I felt left alone, the voices in my head became louder and louder touching my nerves. Why all my decisions ended up so bad? Was I really that bad? How would the boys feel? How would Seonghwa feel? I never asked him how affected he was, I only knew he felt kind of anxious so far. The pressure that was on my shoulders became heavier with every step I took and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was totally unaware of my own feelings too… My main focus was Wonderland, was keeping everyone safe but at what cost? I was the last person to know about Jongho and Misuk, she had to die for me to realized it. This is so messed up. 

My sobs became stronger even if I wanted to stifle the noise with the water coming out of the shower. I felt pathetic, crying didn't change anything, my tears didn't bring Misuk back, or Lucas, or Haerin, or my family ... That's another reason why I didn't like to cry, it was useless. Eventually I would realize that I was damaging my interpersonal relationships because of my shield, that shield that tried to protect me from people who could use my vulnerability as a lethal weapon. However, I never realized that none of them would do such atrocity, except in such an extremist situation.

Two knocks on the door startled me and I turned off the shower. 

“Jiyeong?”, San’s voice came through the other side slightly. I didn’t answer.  

“Jiyeong, please, open up…”, I rested my forehead on the other side of the door and took a deep breath. 

“What do you want?”, I managed to say without a broken tone, despite the tears rolling through my face uncontrollably. 

“Can I come in?”, he asked pulling at the locked knob. My hand followed it and grabbed it strongly. 

“Can’t you use the other bathroom?”, I whispered, now a little bit quieter. 

“I don’t want to use it, I want to see you…”, he mumbled. A minute later he said louder, “shit, just open up, Ji…”, his voice transformed from gentler to an exasperated one. Before I could think, my body reacted first and unlocked the door. San entered the bathroom closing the door behind him and locking it again. I took a few steps back and sat again on the floor. San watched me do my thing and got himself comfortable by my side.

“Sorry about that…”, his hands played with the braids of his shoes while his eyes roamed the bathroom walls, he seemed nervous somehow. 

“What are you apologizing for…?”, I frowned and tilted my head to the side. His eyes met mine for a second.

“When Yeosang talked about you like that, I couldn’t say anything to defend you because-”

“Because you know it’s true…”, I finished his sentence as he left out a groan.

“I only agreed with the part of you being selfish, unaware of how people feel towards this whole end-of-the-world situation…”, his eyes met the walls again as I continue scanning his features.  

“I’m the one who feels sorry about everything…”, I whispered too caught up of his cheekbones. Did they always look that prominent? He has dark eye bags… Why does he look so tired and skinny but at the same time so full of shine and fit? I didn’t know anything about what was going on inside his mind, I never asked him how he felt or how was his day recollecting supplies. Guilt pressed my chest one more time as I understand I was a really bad person for not caring about the others around me. I blinked my watery eyes rapidly and San looked at the gesture with a sad smile. 

“Don’t be afraid to cry, Jiyeong…”, his voice always sounded so good when he had that look on his face, when he looked like he cared. 

“It doesn’t help with anything…”, I sniffed and torned my sight apart from his. He giggled and something inside me sparkled vaguely, like a soft tickle or a finger pressed into my stomach momentanly.  

“It actually work in a cathartic way, you know? It liberates you from sadness sometimes…”, why does he keep looking at me like that? What’s with that soft smile…? Saying I was confused would be an understatement, but San was a character that I couldn’t comprehend too much. He could be a very easy-going man which you can open up your heart and he’ll listen to every preoccupation you had. And sometimes he could be the Devil expecting you to die and join him in hell just to make you suffer… or maybe I was exaggerating things. Likewise, he could be gentle and a great friend, also a asshole when he wanted to act narcissist.

We remained silent for like an hour (it was actually thirty seconds), and he spoke again. 

“Yeosang is just upset, you know… after watching you with Hwa the other night and now with Hongjoong…”

“What do you mean?”, my voice came out as a whisper and San moved closer, his shoulder bumped into mine, his warmth skin felt slightly pleasant against mine. 

“Well, me too but… Yeosang is jealous”, I couldn’t find the meaning of the first phrase, yet my eyebrows knitted.

“He’s a dick, that’s what he is”, I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. San chuckled, his eyes disappearing in crescent moons. 

“Yeah, that too”, he agreed. 

“Why is he, tho…jealous I mean ”, I asked still intrigued about it. The black haired boy licked his lips and started.  

“Before everything happened, before the meteor and the monsters showed up, before silence covered the Earth and we were obligated to remain silence, Yeosang was dating someone…”, my eyes widened with the news, I would've never thought about that by myself.  “Remember when he was talking with someone over the phone one of the nights at the church and he started to breath like if he was having asma?”, I nodded. “Well, he heard them dying on the other side of the line…” 

“W-what…”, a gasp escaped my mouth in surprise. How would he...-?

“Yeosang’s upset because he knows you have opportunities but won’t give it a chance…”, San’s eyes rested on mine for a seconds, then he broke the gaze making me yearn for his orbes to see me again. “He would do anything to see his significant other alive, Jiyeong, and he’s mad at your oblivious ass…”, he finished resting the back of his head on the bathroom wall with eyes closed. Even though he seemed exhausted, he looked like a whole piece of art that I would love to paint someday… Oh… what should I respond to that…?

“I… I don’t know what you mean, tho. I don’t see opportunities, I only think about one thing and-”

“Yeah, we been knew… keeping us alive”, he laughed dryly and left out a deep sight. For a few minutes we sat there without a word. At the other side of the door Hongjoong and Yeosang’s voices echoed faintly, nonetheless I was focusing on San’s breathing next to me. He sounded calmed, almost asleep and it brought a little peace in my disturbed mind. If I wanted to express more, I needed to talk more about what I thought and I San was there in a bathroom floor, willing to wait for me to feel better, maybe it was the right time for just a start…

“I-...”

Three knots on the bathroom door made us jerked up and the soft voice of Seonghwa calmed my heart. 

“San, is she okay?”, the older asked with a concerned tone, almost like a whisper. San stood up on his feet and gave me a hand to do the same. “Can you guys get out? We need to rest, tomorrow is the big day”. I quickly washed my face in the sink and San was about to open the door when he questioned:

“What were you gonna say?”

“Honestly, I don’t think I remember”, a soft chuckled resonated in the place as. He nodded, not very sure if it was true and opened the door for Seonghwa. The black haired man had a anxious look on his face and he waited for San to go out of the bathroom to wrap me instead in his arms. 

“Jiyeong…”

“Let’s not talk about it”, I immediately said getting as far as I could of him with a soft tone. “We need to rest and go find our boys, Seonghwa, we’ll talk when we get them…”, he remained there after I entered my room with the door locked. Tomorrow would be the beginning of our journey to Wonderland, the nerves were already up in everyone’s body after the heated argument I caused and we needed to avoid negativity once again.  The only thing in my mind was San, Mingi and Jongho. I don’t remember being worried about the three of them at the same time, but somehow San slipped through my mind even if I didn’t want him there.

(...)

Masterlist

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 2x05 Reptile Boy

aka adulting and frat boys

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and point out / hyperfocus on one detail in it in 10-3k words. Mostly. The rules are arbitrary.

And today’s episode managed to heighten the show’s ever present metaphor of Buffy fighting toxic masculinity and rape culture by adding some super disturbing and way too real moments to its supernatural spin. There’s also the question of adulthood vs. maturity, Willow’s totally not jealous, and Angel is starting to be aware of some... stuff.

Let’s start with our ‘gay watch’ which may or may not become a regular segment on these posts, and appreciate this exchange:

Buffy:  I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with... Ye gods. Cordelia. Willow:  Cordelia?! Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... Cordelia?!

Now, that being said, during my previous experiences with the show, I definitely noticed a pattern of Willow being jealous / hostile towards other prominent people in the Scoobies’ lives - specifically towards other female characters. It happens with all of Xander’s love interests, sure, but also with Faith (so basically... Buffy’s love interest), and it appears to point to a fear of being replaced / abandoned more than anything. Probably more on that later.

The Buffy/Cordelia train has definitely left the station at this point though. Like who is Cordy kidding (other than herself) - she just wants to hang out with Buffy. And maybe her friends...

Speaking of said friends, I had to include the above screencap, especially after I saw someone once pointing out the way Xander makes a fabulous braid on his end and Buffy is just fumbling and looking confused at Willow’s hair. I really love these little bits and exchanges on the show, it often builds character and establishes dynamics in unexpected ways. Right now for instance we can clearly see that Buffy never had a little sister whose hair she’d braid as a kid.

...Also more on that later.

But I also want to fold this onto my talk about maturity and adulthood. because of the context of this scene. Apparently the Scoobies are all out of money and don’t really have anywhere to go out as a result - so they’re staying at home, watching a Bollywood movie together instead.

Later on the episode this will be juxtaposed with the whole aspirational idea of going to a frat party, and doing ‘adult’ things like drinking and hooking up with your (slightly older young adult) date; as well as the dull repetitiveness and responsibility of having an obligation that other people rely on you to do. And yet, that scene at the beginning - staying at home watching movies because you’re too broke to do anything else - is actually the most adult experience I could think of.

And I guess that’s sort of the point. Adulthood is much more mundane than what we imagine in high school it to be; while college can be this weird Twilight Zone where you can not only suddenly do all the ‘adult’ things, but potentially have the freedom to do so as well. Especially if you live in a country where higher education is easily affordable and not in some dystopian landscape where apparently only the richest can focus on their studies and not their part-time jobs .

Speaking of dystopian societies that the American culture appears to be to me - what’s it with these fraternity clubs? And why are they so weirdly gender-specific? And why are Americans so obsessed with the idea of ‘legacy’ students? ‘My father and grandfather attended this same college and were part of this same fraternity club’ who the fuck cares, Chris, it’s college, not a cigar club.

You guys are weird. Like we have hazing rituals for freshmen and all these weird parties going down in dorms, but the whole structure of fraternities just seem to give way too much space to up the notch on the worst aspects of college life. Of course my exposure to it is admittedly only through pop culture, but it really does look like a cult from here, ngl.

Anyway, the point is that college is the part of your life where you can be legally an adult, but you don’t need to have the level of maturity that that entails quite yet. Which is basically the polar opposite of where Buffy is at this point - someone who hasn’t yet entered the age of adulthood, but has all these obligations and responsibilities that demand a certain level of maturity from her that goes well beyond her years.

There are two particularly insidious scenes in this episode, one where Obnoxious Frat Guy offers a drink to Buffy that she refuses to which he says: “It’s okay, I wasn’t into adult things at your age either.” And then on the other end of the spectrum, we’ll have Nice Frat Guy talk about how “mature” he thinks Buffy is. So when he offers a drink she finally ends up accepting, because she’s tired of being ‘mature’.

In both cases, these guys are being manipulative and predatory (especially given how the drinks are spiked... I know, this episode gets way too real). Obnoxious Frat Guy is trying to be condescending, and reaffirm the high schooler idea of conflating adulthood with doing ‘adult things’. Nice Frat Guy however is being more subtle in his approach and appeals to Buffy’s sense of being burdened by her responsibilities - if she’s already so mature and has to deal with so many adult themes, she might as well do some of the ‘adult things’, right? She’s earned the right to loosen up in the ‘adult way’ a bit... right?

And then she gets drugged and chained up in a basement because no girl can ever let her guard down in this society. As Buffy says, she went to one frat party and had one drink, and this is what happened. I do kinda wish that Giles’ reaction to that wasn’t just that “let that be a lesson” line, and instead offered a reassurance that this wasn’t on her. But he also promises to put less pressure on her in the future, and he’ll have a great line to Buffy later in the season that makes me want to cry even now, and that evens those scales for me.

Given how the show often deals in caricatures when portraying characters like these frat guys, I also kinda appreciate that Nice Frat Guy actually seemed like... well, a nice guy (but also, a Nice Guy). I mean, as the audience it was easy to see through his manipulative bullshit act but I could also understand why Buffy liked him and was able to trust him somewhat. (This will happen in s4 again, although with much less rapeyness and much more general doucheness.)

This episode also seemed to have heard my 2x02 rant and it kind of addresses my concerns of Angel seeing Buffy as a “kid”. Their conversations here basically leave out the whole vampire pretense, and skip right into what’s this really about... sex. As the older one in their relationship, Angel seems to have come to the understanding, that it’s his responsibility to put an end to things before they get too far. Apart from the obvious age difference thing as well as Buffy being underaged that I touched upon previously, there’s also just the idea that Buffy may not be ready yet. And I do kinda respect Angel for finally acknowledging that.

Again - there’s this idea of adulthood vs. maturity. And how the latter is often recognizing the difference between being able or wanting to do something vs. whether or not you should do it. Being in the moment vs. considering the consequences of your actions.

When I previously talked about their relationship, I mentioned how I saw Buffy being the slayer tilt the power dynamic between them toward her, and making me more prone to get on board with them together. This episode however starts bringing the older guy / high school girl aspect closer to the surface. Even if we look at vampires as beings in some sort of arrested development, Angel was still in his early 20s when he was initially turned - which is just enough to make this a little murky.

I guess no wonder that them eventually going down that road will lead to disaster... But more on that later.

Or not. It’s a lot to sort out and maybe I’ll just want to talk about something nice and cozy like Oz instead.

Let someone else deal with all the heavy stuff.

[real-faker]

Ack sorry about sending another pitch question (I know you said something about people sending those) but you mentioned you pitched a show twice, and since I'm a creeper, I read the tags and you said the pitch wasn't how we'd think they'd be; how were they, then, out of curiosity? If I ever pitch a show, in your position, what should I expect? What exactly happened? Sorry for asking all these questions; you've been my inspiration for a while and I hope I can pitch my own show someday!! Thank you

Oh no, that’s fine!  I don’t mind telling my experience with it, and I’ve even given pitching tips before, but this post is about the extent of my knowledge.  (You can also just search my blog for “pitch”, ‘cause I’ve reblogged stuff from other people that actually KNOW what they’re talking about, haha)  I just don’t want people under the impression that I’m super experienced with it, or that I’ve ever pitched to a big deal network or producer.  I absolutely haven’t.  I have exactly 2 pitching experiences.  The first one was a few years ago at an event in Nashville called “Film-Com”, which is an annual trade show/expo event for financing and distributing filmmaking projects.  Basically you get a booth, and you set up in this convention center with all these other aspiring creators (filmmakers, documentary people, a few video game/new media folks, all sorts), and they’ve invited a WHOLE SWATH of producers and industry professionals to come mull around the show floor with you so you can make connections and get your product out there EAT FREE MEALS and then idk, maybe fuckin’ walk around a bit and look at your dumb shitty projects if they fuckin’ feel like it but they probably wont, so what ends up happening is all the creators just walk around and look at each others’ shit, which for me—being the only animator there—means that a bunch of other jack-knobs who have some vague idea for a shitty cartoon end up giving me THEIR card so that maybe in the future I can work on THEIR dumbfuck ideas.ANYWAY, to get to the point, they selected certain projects and scheduled them to actually go up and pitch in front of a whole room full of producers.  This happened over the course of the whole day, so I suspect the reason none of the producers were walking around interacting with people is ‘cause they were stuck in a room all day hearing 30 different suck-ass pitches and when it was all said and done they were probably exhausted.  I was scheduled as the last pitch of the day.  I enter the room and wait patiently; the person before me is running about 10 minutes over their allotted time.  I scan the room… everyone is MISERABLE.  They’re anxious, they’re uninterested, they’re sighing… the main guy who’s sort of monitoring the whole thing is pinching his brow and trying his best to keep up the pretense of politeness in telling the current pitcher to wrap it up.  NONE of these people want to be here anymore.  It seems like everyone’s spent the whole day “warming ‘em up” for me, but now they’re all sweaty and miserable, so I can either go up there and give another mediocre pitch, OR I can go up there and try my goddamn hardest to make them laugh. 

I go up on stage, just IMMEDIATELY force myself to get over any fears I have, and I pitch W2H.  I screen a short mock trailer I made (no way I’d force them to sit through that whole fucking thing), and it’s sort of like a fever dream, because I can see all of the life returning to their faces, they’re WAY into it, I’m doing fucking GREAT somehow, despite literally zero experience… and when it was all said and done, it became abundantly clear that even though they all LOVED it, not a single one of them could help me.  None of them were animation producers.  None of them KNEW animation producers.  One guy suggested I go into comics, because “comics get turned into film and tv shows all the time”.  I just had the PERFECT fucking pitch, and I pitched to people who couldn’t fucking help me.  As I was leaving, many of them came up to me and actually thanked me for sending them off for the day on a good note.  There was a big dinner at like, the fucking Governers’ mansion or something that night, and again, some of them were coming up to me and thanking me, wishing me the best and all that.  I guess if nothing else, I learned what I’m capable of.

The second pitch was an ACTUAL disaster.  When I’d first graduated I thought I could pitch W2H to Frederator, ‘cause it seemed like a good fit.  They told me (understandably) that they couldn’t reverse-engineer a show from something I’d already produced, and also that it was inappropriate (despite having a show at the time called “SuperFuckers”, but whatever; language and subject matter are different things).  Later on I got an email from them, saying that someone in their office was familiar with my work, and they invited me to come pitch them something that wasn’t W2H.  They also said that I was free to swing by their office any time, even “just to hang out”, and that if I had any questions “whether it be pitching or where to get the best burgers in Burbank”, to hit them up.  How friendly!  How perfect!  I was JUST about to move out to L.A., so I started working on this idea tentatively called “Gayliens”.  I swung by their office once, you know, just to pop in, like they said; thought I’d make myself known or whatever.  They looked at me like I was nuts.  They still invited me in and we chatted for a bit about the history of early Disney studios, but when they asked why I was there, and I reminded them about the email they’d sent, they seemed to have no idea what I was talking about.  I told them I was working on a pitch for them and that I’d be in touch so we could schedule something.  When I finally finished putting my pitch together, I went in for a meeting with them.  It was just 2 folks, we were in like a board meeting-type room (which I imagine is probably standard).  They made some small talk with me first, which I’m sure was an attempt to loosen us all up a bit and set the mood, but all of their questions really caught me off guard.  (I guess they asked where I was working, and when I told them I didn’t have a studio job, they asked how I was making money, and I’m sure it wasn’t meant to put me in an awkward position, but people asking me how I make money literally ALWAYS puts me in an awkward position, because my income sources are scattered and weird.  Try explaining how youtube ad revenue works to your social services worker, it’s a blast.) SO okay, I let myself get tripped up a bit.  I go on with the pitch; they don’t really want me to pitch the concept, they just have me show them my storyboards and read through the whole thing.  They’re DEAD silent the whole time.  I can’t get a read on them at all.  When it’s over, they ask me some more questions that trip me up.  Some of them are 100% my fault; they asked for a title, and I wasn’t ready to say “Oh, it’s tentatively called GAYLIENS,” out loud to people who I couldn’t get a read from.  

It’s all kind of a blur, but the few topics of discussion I remember them bringing up were that “the storyboards look almost TOO good”, like it was TOO polished or well-developed (which is sort of a backhanded compliment I guess???), because see, “when they made Adventure Time… blah blah blah it just started off as this loose idea, and once they were a season or so into it, they started expanding on the universe and developing the characters a little bit more…” — AS IF ANYONE doesn’t understand why AT got so popular???  You don’t have to TELL ME, I WAS WATCHING IT, I FUCKING KNOW.  No one gave a shit about AT until they got Rebecca Sugar and all these talented writers working on it a couple seasons in, and doing all this character-heavy shit.  I tried to present them with something that had all that character shit baked into it already, ‘cause I knew they were gonna’ use AT as an example.  But it seemed like they’re not looking for something that’s already developed with it’s own voice or sensibility, they’re looking for a vague idea that they can mold into something as they go.  

They also told me–and I still can’t get over this–that they’re looking for “”””””characters that people will want to cosplay as””””””, which is funny to me for a plethora of reasons; namely that they have no way of knowing that PEOPLE DO COSPLAY AS MY CHARACTERS, but also that I spent half of my time in college working on ridiculous magical girl Adventure Time crossover group cosplays (don’t fuckin’ laugh) like trust me I’m ALARMINGLY familiar with cosplay, and ALSO, that looking for a new property with the guidelines that it should be “the next big thing that some fucking nerds will dress up as at comic con” just seems like such an out-of-touch-but-trying-to-be-hip, capitalize-on your-fandom-doing-all-the-legwork-for-you, fucking executive thing to say.  I know I sound like a whiny art school kid saying that but my animation instructor was so anti-establishment, and I carry a lot of that with me still, and something about that statement–insignificant as it may be–kind of epitomizes how I feel about the industry?  It’s a hard thing to explain. I walked out of that pitch with my mind feeling like TV static.  My friends were waiting for me next door at a bakery and they were super excited, asking me how it went, and I was just like “I mean… BAD, for sure, but I don’t know where to even start.”  Hahaha.  I don’t know.  It just seems like everyone wants to play gatekeeper I guess.  They want This Thing™, but it can’t be too This Thing™.  They want the thing to have A Fandom™, but they don’t really understand fandom ‘cause they don’t participate in fandom.  They want Your Idea™ but they want to make it Their Idea™.  I don’t know.  I’m just angry and bitter and that’s my experience with pitching.  Admittedly some of what went wrong in these pitches was my fault, or there were circumstances beyond my control, and regardless of how that pitch went, I don’t actually dislike Frederator (I’m on their youtube network), and Fred Seibert has actually done a ton of iconic shit.I don’t think I’ve ever AIRED MY GRIEVANCES in such great detail before, but there you have it.  If you want some tips on pitching, you can check out the links I provided at the beginning of the post; there’s tons of people out there who actually know their shit too, and they’d probably give more proactive advice.  I don’t know if this helps at all, but hopefully you can glean something from it!  That’s just my limited experience with it.  Haha.  Good luck!  

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE:  Yes this one is super short, too. Sorry! Next one will be better.

Let's skip to a couple days later. Not much else happened other than smarmy grossness. Of course, that still wouldn't be the usual level of pure, grade-A Canadian maple sap given that I was part of the relationship, but it was cute. Lots of takeout and movies, gaming, snuggling. Things that I had to get used to since none of my previous significant others had ever stuck around long enough.

Well… other than Scott.

Maybe that's why he was on my mind so much during that time. Literally the only other long-term relationship I'd had was him, and we were in high school, trying to figure ourselves out as much as we were trying to figure out each other and how to combine those two factors. Opening up those memories was like watching him drive away all over again, but I kept doing it. Had to figure out if there was some weird nugget of truth in there somewhere that could help me figure out how not to fuck everything up with Knives.

Scott and I didn't "date" much. It was definitely a benefriends situation; we were buds who started boinking in the back of my parents' car. So all of our activities were about the same as they had been before; practicing music, hanging out with Lisa Miller. We didn't do much that was coupley other than holding hands and sex. From what I heard, Scott got all those romantic experiences from Natalie after he dropped me like a bad habit.

So why did I keep thinking about him if there wasn't much wisdom to be had? Because I didn't have any other experiences to compare it with.

I'm pretty pathetic. But at least I had someone to call and ask for advice. He might not be the most monogamous person I know, but he is a flaming queer, and has had more success in the dating arena than pretty much anyone else in my extended circle. Maybe using my phone-a-friend lifeline counted as cheating, but when working with such a severe handicap, I figure it all shakes out.

                                                            ~ o ~

"Well, well, well," Wallace Wells half-purred in that voice of his. You know the one. "The redhead."

"That is the colour of my hair, yes," I grumbled.

"Didn't expect to ever hear from you again once Ess Bee Bee and that other thing broke up. See you around in that bump-into-people-you-knew-through-people-in-Honest-Ed's way, sure…"

Gripping my drumstick tighter as I sat on my drumset's seat — the seat of power, a place from which I drew comfort and ability to cope with life — I said, "Same. But I got your number from Stacey, because… I need help."

"'Fraid I'm fresh outta that stuff."

"Help? You're 'out' of help. Really?"

"Yep. The generic kind. But if you elaborate, I might have a specific flavour blend in stock…"

He was definitely going to make me work for this. So I decided to stop being shy and cut through the double-talk and uncertainty. "I'm dating Knives."

The line was quiet for a moment. "That sounds painful. My advice is to buy plenty of bandages for when things get frisky."

"No, Knives Chau. Scott's ex."

"Oh!" he said in a pleasant tone of voice. Even now, I'm not totally sure whether he was trolling me or if he really didn't think I meant her the first time. "She was cute in a Pokémon trainer kind of way. Didn't think you played in the kiddie pool."

"She's in college now, you asshat. But I could use some advice."

"Advice for dating women? Fresh out of that, too."

Gritting my teeth, I said, "Wallace…"

"Alright, alright. So you're edging onto the Rainbow Road and you're afraid of flying off the side. I gotcha. Assuming that's the reason you called me instead of someone else you know…?"

"There's nobody else. Stephen's pretty much the only other person I could call, but he gives terrible advice. Hollie is in Nowhereville with Jason, who knows? And Steph… I just don't know her very well. Or maybe too well. I'm really not sure which."

"That makes me the bartender."

"What?"

"You know, the nameless bartender you tell all your deepest, darkest secrets to in hopes he can give you guidance because you're too blasted to figure out he couldn't care less about your life."

"Fine, nevermind. God, sorry to have bothered you."

But he was chuckling. "Alright, alright. I'm half-kidding; I barely know you and don't care that much, but you're family now. That has to be taken into consideration."

"I'm… family?"

"Gay family. A budding bisexual, right?"

"Y-yeah." I cleared my throat to get rid of that uncertain quaver. "I guess."

"We all start out 'guessing'. It's okay." He let out a long sigh, and there was the sound of something being moved around; he was probably working on something in his apartment, or at his job. Whatever that was. "How long have you two been having playdates?"

"A couple weeks, or whatever," I growled, ignoring the insult.

"How far have you gone?" When I let out a strangled noise, he reassured me, "For informational purposes only. Trust me, I'm not going to get off on two girls doing anything. If there's not at least one dick involved, it's off my curiosity list."

I started to correct him that one was involved, but again I felt that instinct to protect her identity kick in. Maybe I should ask her if she minded me telling people at some point. "Dry-humping. She's kind of… never done it, and I haven't done it with a girl. I swear, if you tell anyb-"

"Lips are sealed. Do you want it to go further?"

"YES! But I mean, only if she's ready."

"Good, that's good. I've had a hesitant date or two. No still means no, and that's more important than all the prep work in the world, but I have a couple ideas that could help get her in the mood."

That one hit me hard. Luckily, I just barely listened to her "no"s when we were drunk as skunks. Nodding as I chewed on my drumstick, I then put it down and said, "That'll help, but I'm actually more worried about… other stuff. Like, how to be in a relationship with a cute, bubbly, fun girl when I'm a vortex of despair."

"Opposites attract. Chances are, she already likes you because you're a vortex of despair. Not usually something people put on their eHarmony profile, though." But apparently, I had him curious. "What other stuff?"

"Dating. I suck at it. Like…" I tried to lower my defenses. "She's so sweet to me, and I feel like I'm just there. Sucking all the fun out of the room. I want her to feel what I feel. Or I guess, to show her that. Something."

"Awww, baby lesbians are so cute. Like puppies."

"Ugh…"

Then he sighed again, a long, floaty sigh of someone toying with someone else. Which would be me. "Alright, never fear — Wallaciraptor is here. Let's help you get rolling…"

                                                            ~ o ~

When Knives walked in the door, I could tell she was caught off-guard by the way her purse fell to the floor instead of being set down. "Kim? I… what's going on?"

"Nothing," I lied as I bent over to take the casserole out of the oven, showing off my bare ass. Just below the apron strings. Yes, I really did the cliché. Yes, it was super uncomfortable for me, since I'm not exactly a flesh-flashing kinda girl. But I thought, hey, it was worth a shot. "Making dinner."

Which was also part of the plan. There were multiple parts; I didn't know which one to try, so I tried everything. One big gesture to try and prove to both Knives and myself that I could be a girlfriend, and not just some drummer chick who acts like she's on the rag all the time.

"Yeah, but you're naked! I mean… almost!"

"You like it? I thought the green apron brought out my eyes." It still came out sounding sarcastic, even though I didn't mean for it to. My voice just sounds that way unless I'm actively suppressing the biting tone, and even then sometimes it bleeds through.

"Um…" Deciding not to comment on my butt, she turned toward the stove. "Smells great! We're having casserole?"

"Yes. And garlic bread. That's not done yet, though. And, um…" I glanced at my coffee table, where there was a cabernet open and "breathing" — Wallace's suggestion. I would have just put a couple of beers down to go with dinner, or at least uncorked the wine right before drinking it.

Knives walked over and touched one of the wine glasses with a finger. I got them from a dollar store specifically for this occasion, since I didn't own any before. Then she picked up the remote for the stereo system, which was pretty conspicuous because it was the only other thing on the table. "What's this do?"

"Hit 'play'," I said as I got out plates.

She did. And quiet, soft, romantic piano music started floating out of the speakers. Also from the dollar store, but I listened to the whole CD before using it to make sure it wasn't too terrible. She laughed… but it was a very specific, actual happy laugh. Not so much at my expense as just surprised at the situation, I guess.

"What is all this?" she asked as she went back over to kick off her work shoes and leave them by the purse. "Like… I thought we were just going to have cup ramen and watch TV."

"Wanted to try something else. Um… y-you'll have to tell me if it's any good. Never tried this recipe before." Hell, I don't think I'd ever cooked anything more complex than a frozen pizza in forever.

Once she was in the kitchen, she put her hand in the small of my back. "I'm sure I'll love it." Then she shivered and smiled shyly, withdrawing from the touch. "Not used to touching your skin like that."

"I can change if it's more comfortable for you. This was kind of just… y'know. The 'naked housewife fantasy' bit as a joke. Or maybe not a joke, if you liked it."

"Trying to get me in the mood?" she guessed with a slightly wry smile. When I flushed a little darker, she stopped smiling. "Wait… oh, is this really what that is?"

"Not exactly. But… kind of. I just… wanted to be a good girlfriend, or something like that. I dunno."

The silence was kind of tense. She didn't look angry, just a little confused and contemplating the whole situation. Then she glanced at the oven and back at me.

"How much longer? For the garlic bread."

"About another five. I'll be quick." Clearly, she wanted me in real clothes, which I already had laid out on my dresser. Ready for plan B.

And I was more okay with that than I first expected. Sure, it hurt a little that she didn't know how to feel about me being naked while we ate, but at the same time, neither did I. Just seemed like a weird idea. But Wallace swore it worked like a charm on this one guy he was dating, so I figured I'd give it a shot. No real harm.

Once I was wearing a nice white blouse and a long grey skirt, we got our plates loaded down with casserole and bread and moved things to the table, where we sat cross-legged and ate and drank. She told me about her day, and I told her about mine until the point at which I started getting dinner ready, which I didn't think was interesting — until she started demanding more details with her cute, patient way of doing everything. Incredibly, stories about me buying ingredients and wine glasses was actual entertainment for her.

And somehow, she managed to out-girlfriend me again. Shut up, I know it's not a competition… I know. But even after I drove like a thousand miles outside my comfort zone, hoping to really show her how much I cared and how much she meant to me, Knives was already there and had a jetpack to fly even further. She started doing the dishes as soon as we took our plates to the kitchen, said it was her turn to cook next time when I wasn't expecting it, asked if I had a long day, offered to rub my back when I moved my neck and made the world's tiniest wince… and she gave me the rub, and it felt so good. Told me I looked really cute in the outfit before I could ask. Sweetness and sunshine.

What kind of jerk was she to be so perfect?

                                                            To Be Continued…