#also i’m not saying henry wasn’t abused or anything bc i actually don’t give a fuck abt that plot line

[parkitaco]

i will admit that my knowledge of the current st discourse rn is limited to what my correct and right mutuals have posted about but i will say that arguing that lonnie byers is not an abuser when that’s literally intentionally textually implied whilst simultaneously insisting that henry creel was abused bc of evidence from like one singular frame is the kind of mental gymnastics typically only seen in toxic alpha male subreddits

[basil-isdead]

some thoughts about the secret history bc i’m tipsy

AKA, I read this book 5 years ago and it still lives in my head rent free

- I am now the same age as these people and that feels really fucking strange.

- Henry's nickname for Bunny is annoying rabbit. And frankly the most insulting thing about that is that Henry probably couldn't come up with a better nickname.

- Bunny listens to Art Pepper when he has sex and if my roommate ever brought someone home and then put on smooth jazz I would actually burst out laughing. I can just imagine Henry having to pretend to be asleep next to Bunny and Marion, and never being able to listen to jazz music ever again.

- The story takes place in 1983. There are people at Hampden walking around mullets and kitschy neon shirts and giant shoulder pads. Think about that for a minute okay.

- Which by extension means that the entire Greek class are boomers

- Everyone except Henry and Francis is poor, no cap. Bunny is basically fucking destitute and has holes in his clothes and shit, and Camilla had to put up with Charles’ abuse for way longer than she should have because she couldn’t afford to get away from him.

- None of them have jobs – not even Richard.

- Hampden is a grimy liberal arts school filled with weirdo gremlin people like me and I find it hilarious that the dark academia community treats it like it’s Harvard.

- They literally let in anyone. Henry didn't even take his SAT's, Richard was a pre-med dropout, and Bunny is borderline illiterate and the admissions board was like yeah why not.

- I went to a uni like Hampden and it is not aesthetic in the slightest. It’s the kind of environment that just makes all of your issues ten times worse by the time you leave, in addition to a hefty amount of student loan debt just to add some spice to your post-university depression episode.

- Hampden town only has one café.

- Literally. You would think the town would capitalise on all of the students but instead it’s just a bunch of low income Vermont farmers who hate everyone from the college and like… one biker bar.

- It must be impossible to get a good night’s sleep on Friday and Saturday nights bc of all of the parties. Especially because there aren’t any nightclubs or anything so all of the parties are on campus.

- Henry really listened to Julian say that dead bodies are sexy, and said “whelp seems like a good reason to kill someone”.

- Charles was literally sexually abusing his sister and the rest of the Greek class just pretended like he wasn’t.

- Richard is the worst offender of this. Camilla fucking came to him about it and even then he was still just like “Charles is such a golden retriever, look at this beautiful wholesome man.”

- Henry doesn’t need to throw bacchanal, he needs therapy.

- The entire Greek class are fucking pick-me’s who think they’re better than everyone else because they wear suits or something.

- Like they look down at everyone at Hampden as if they don’t also go to the same school as them. You aren’t special sweetie, you’re just a classist asshole.

- I am convinced that Camilla is just Donna Tartt's self insert.

- Henry comes from a family who are probably just Missouri’s version of the Trump family but he’s held up by the dark academia community as the poster child for old money.

- Bunny’s response to literally everyone was just “that’s not very cash money of you”.

- Marion is very much giving Girl Defined/ Mrs Midwest energy. She absolutely called Francis a slur at some point.

- Julian is such a fucking predator holy fuck. Everything about him just screams red flags.

- Like how pathetic do you have to be to randomly select a bunch of teenagers to groom with your Lord Henry Wotton bullshit hot-takes in order to boost your own ego. So much so that you’ll refuse your paycheck so that the place you work for can’t interfere with your curriculum.

- Also, Julian is canonically compared to Pliny the elder and if you know anything about Pliny the elder and the kinds of things he believed then everything Julian says just becomes fucking hilarious.

- Pliny the elder is the kind of guy who would say you should take horse medicine to treat COVID okay.

- Charles literally had to be hospitalised because of his drinking problem and Richard was dumb enough to bring him even more alcohol.

- Henry 100% tried to kill Charles.

- I have a sneaking suspicion that Francis is ableist and it really doesn’t sit right with me.

- It’s been said before but I’ll put it here too. THIS BOOK IS NOT ENDORSING ANY OF THE BELIEFS THE CHARACTERS PUT FORTH. It throws out little jabs here and there about how fucked up all of the Greek class and the kind of ideas they perpetuate are, you just have to look for them. Donna Tartt is not a stupid person and if she saw half of the posts in the dark academia tag she would pop a fucking vein.

- Bunny is canonically anti-Semitic. Big yikes.

- Also I feel like he would be an avid watcher of Tucker Carlson.

- Why does no one talk about how Charles ended up in Texas? Like I'm just trying to picture him there but I can't.

- Richard is the kind of guy who has navy blue sheets and only washes them like once every three months. And if he hadn’t been given a bed frame in his dorm he would have slept on a mattress on the floor.

[mautadite]

june book round up

18 books this month! this is late because i just couldn’t find the time to sit down and write it but it’s finally here! and i completed my reading challenge! whoo! mostly e-books and audiobooks once again, and also a good few arcs. (i’m still so proud to be able to say that lol.)

the 7 1/2 deaths of evelyn hardcastle - stuart turton ⭐️⭐️⭐️ a murder mystery/thriller that takes place in the midst of a house party. kind of a groundhog day thing; the same day repeats over and over, and one of the guests wakes up in the body of a different guest EVERY day, and will do so until he solves the mystery. this was one of the cleverest books i’ve ever read, seeing everything come together was so good. but the last reveal left me kinda like... was THAT the point of all of this?? also one part of this book is grossly fatphobic.

breeze of a spring evening and other stories - yu dafu ⭐️⭐️⭐️ collection of short stories written and set in 1920s china/japan. there was a lot of examination of men’s desire towards younger women which bored me. but the writing was good, and i really enjoyed when the writer talked about being chinese and living in japan; that feeling of isolation of loss of self and country,

her lady’s honor - renee dahlia ⭐️⭐️ first arc of the month! historical f/f romance set after wwi. one character is a vet (in both senses of the word, she served as an animal doctor during the war) and the other is the daughter of the first character’s old captain. i wanted to like this a lot more than i did but the writing was dull, needed a better edit, and the structure/plot was just all over the place. the characters were fine, but not hugely compelling, and i didn’t fall in love with their romance.

his cocky cellist - cole mccade ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ really good m/m romance about a cellist/masseur and a young billionaire who end up becoming entangled. fictional billionaires are the only good ones. this had really pretty prose (sometimes a liiiiiiiiiiiittle bit purple), great characters, great chemistry, and just a lovely romance overall.

his cocky valet: after story - cole mmcade ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ cute coda to the first book in the series. a HEA in a way that works for these specific characters.

night owls and summer skies - rebecca sullivan ⭐️⭐️ another arc, another book i sadly didn’t enjoy much. this is ya f/f, about a girl who is sent unwillingly to the camp that she attended in childhood. the bare bones of the writing was fine, but it tried to be a romantic comedy in ways that just didn’t work. a lot of the humour was a total miss. and the book dealt a lot with bullying, while also letting the love interest get away with some truly shitty stuff. 

arms wide open - donna jay ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary f/f romance about a married couple going through some rough patches, who decide to try to spice things up by inviting a third person into their bed. it was cute, not spectacular. while i liked the characters a lot, because the book opened with them already in love (having problems, but never OUT of love) this book was missing what i love about most romances: the falling in love bit!

my heart’s in the highlands - amy hoff ⭐️⭐️⭐️ another arc and oh man this is an extremely generous rating for a book that really wasn’t that good, but hit the spot for me in specific ways. it’s historical f/f time travel romance about a woman from the 19th century who travels back to the 13th century and falls in love with a gruff highlander warrior woman. this is not very well written, has so many unexplained plot points, (how did a woman from the 19th century build a time machine? none of our damned business) didn’t seem too concerned with historical fidelity, and had some dubcon, which, bleh. but i still REALLY liked parts of this. i’m just so weak for historical f/f romance.

when all the world sleeps - j.a. rock and lisa henry ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary m/m romance between a chronic sleepwalker who lives in fear of the things he does when he’s sleeping, and a cop. this was fine. sometimes sad and sweet, sometimes weird and overdone. the police character was fine most of the time, but he also reminded me of why i don’t like reading romances with cops. especially In These Times. every tiny abuse of power made me want to snap. the actually romance was good, but i’ve read better.

yellow jessamine - caitlin starling ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ another arc! fantasy sort of horror with some f/f leanings. really wonderful prose, AMAZING characters, and really lush, unsettling horror. i don’t read/enjoy a lot of horror but this was great. i adore complicated women so much

where the forest meets the stars - glendy vanderah ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ on a genre scale i guess this is contemporary/mystery? a moving novel about a biologist (who’s a breast cancer survivor) who meets a little girl claiming to be an alien who comes from the stars. it didn’t go the way i was kind of expecting it to, and i enjoyed it. it had an m/f romance that i liked... mostly? there were some tropes i coulda done without, and it was really lazy in the way it addressed trauma.

silver ravens - jane fletcher ⭐️⭐️⭐️ yet another arc! i really enjoyed fletcher’s celaeno series so i was excited to be approved for this f/f fantasy/adventure novel. an out-of-work IT professional is swept into fairy world with fae and mystery and intrigues aplenty, and a mercenary captain she falls for. the writing was fine, but some of the world building really bugged me, and there wasn’t enough romance imo.

second nature - jae ⭐️⭐️⭐️ f/f paranormal romance about a writer who’s begun to have strange dreams about a society of animal shifters, and the liger shifter who’s been tasked with finding her, and if need be, killing her. this could have been a great book (i especially really liked the characters and how they were described, and the plot) but the writer did one of the things i really hate: giving us the pov of the villain from the very beginning, letting us know his plans, motivations, EVERYTHING. it felt like we spent the entire book waiting for the protags to catch up, and it just wasn’t entertaining.

dragonoak books 2-3 - sam farren ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ the last two books in the dragonoak series, an f/f high fantasy series. they were too long, the plot was shaky, and there were some irksome bits but holy crap, i loved these books so much. SO MUCH. they have some of my very favourite characters and tropes EVER. lots of queer ladies, lots of trans characters, necromancy, batles, found families, friendships, damaged characters, REALLY EXCELLENT ROMANCE.. the book had flaws aplenty but i’m ready to forgive them all. (

when i was you - minka kent ⭐️⭐️⭐️ i don’t usually read thrillers, but i decided to try this out on a whim after seeing the cover and it was... fine. it helped that i didn’t read the blurb, bc that meant i had no idea where it was going. after the first huge twist it did become kinda meh tho.

the hole -  hye-young pyun ⭐️⭐️⭐️ psychological horror about a man who survives the car cash that killed his wife. he ends up paralysed, and is living with his mother in law, and one day he looks out the window and sees her digging holes in the garden. this was an EXTREMELY slow book. it took ages for anything to really happen. there were a lot of flashbacks and internal monologuing. the absolute best part of this book came at almost the end, where there was a big sorta revelation and the writing became really crisp and cutting and just really good. it had a really fitting end.

the silvers - j.a. rock ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ m/m sci-fi romance. humans are in search of water for earth, which is running out. they come across intelligent life on a new planet: a race of people called silvers. the captain of the mission and one of the silvers develop a close relationship... this was really good; i loved what it had to say about humanity and nature and the ways we can and do hurt each other. very interesting, i don’t think i’ve ever read anything like it.

and that’s it for june! i ended up reading a fair few things out of my usual comfort zone. for july, i think i’m going back to a majority romance; i’ve missed that. currently reading to have loved and lost.

[quantumghoul]

i wrote this a while ago, a rewrite of fox’s last interaction with father but didn’t post it bc institute fans used to be fuckin’ nuts. i’m sure they still are but the demons have returned to hell from where they came.

fox hates their monstrous son who deserves to be dying

warnings for misgendering, deadnaming, and mentions of dubious consent also idk if you find this child abuse bc they fuck him up a bit? he’s a 60 year old awful man but okay

“So, have you come to gloat?”

There he stood. He was waiting for them. Waiting to give them one last lecture, obviously. Most of his weight shifted on a cane, he still managed to shove his awful little finger in their face, and raise his awful voice to them. “Do you enjoy this? Ruining my life’s work? I gave you chance after chance. Despite your ties with the railroad. Your obvious activities to disrupt my work and the work of those here. I ignored it all, I gave you a position those here would die for. To lead the Institute into a better tomorrow. And this is how you repay me? I’m your son.”

There’s that famed guilt, it must be in the Houndstooth blood. He didn’t even have the blood. 'I don’t owe you anything.’ It’s what Fox wanted to say, it stained the back of their throat. They noticed Pat-- the Synth, watching them from the corner. As always. Diligent. It stayed in their throat. “I’m here to give you one last chance to actually help someone. I need your terminal, evacuation for the populous and deactivation codes for the synths. No one needs to die further.”

“No one needs to die further? You’re dooming it’s last, best, hope for humanity, right here, right now. Destroying the Institute-- there will never be anyone better than us. You think that those simpletons on the surface will ever come close to what we’ve accomplished? You decide to destroy everything because what, what reason? The synths. Those railroad people really did poison you, thinking they had any value to be saved. You are the one killing people right now. I have no reason to help you. To think such a thing.”

“Shaun, enough. Just give me access to the terminal, and the codes.” Why was their voice so quiet. They were shrinking. Into a corner. Just like with their father. He sounded so much like him, all the time. He’d be so proud. Eck.

“I gave you everything.” He motioned to the synth in the corner. Like he was an object. With Pat’s face and the implication, it all but made Fox’s stomach turn. “We could have been a family, we could have another chance. You stupid, selfish woman!”

That was enough. That broke what small self restraint that’d kept chained down. “Did you ever think to ask what I wanted?” They grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hoisted him right off his feet and into the air. He dangled, weak, frail body gasping and flailing his cane. Didn’t dare hit them. They’d hurt him worse for it. They pointed to the corner, to the synth. “Do you think I wanted this? Did he want this?! You didn’t ask us, either of us. We’re both just OBJECTS to you? Do you think I wanted some fucked up child version of you?

Pat stepped forward, hands raised. “Henrietta, I must advise against that. I am instructed that while your safety is of the most importance, prime directive refuses to let Father be hurt. I will have to hurt you.” There was hesitance as they pointed their claws at him.

“You, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear you speak. I never want to hear you speak again. And you--” They gave Shaun a hard shake. “You don’t know anything. About me. You don’t care about me, I’m an experiment to you that you can’t even dare respect the identity of. I am doing what I am doing because no one has given me any choice, no one cares what I think or what I want to do. Not you, not the railroad, but at least in the wastes, I found something worth while.” 

They slammed him down against his desk, rattling and knocking everything off. Shoving him to the terminal. “I have given you enough chances. Enter the code, or I will have to try and make you. You’re weak, you’re old, you’re dying, and I’m not afraid of you. But I think I can make you afraid of me.”

“No.” They slammed his forehead against the pristine white surface. Blood splotching. And again. “They never will learn a better way of dealing with things on the surface, hmm? Not without us.”

Yet another crack to his skull. Going for the head when you needed someone to work a computer isn’t the best idea, but then again, Fox didn’t have the highest intelligence. Not as much as mister ego here. “You act like I’m dooming the surface to live in utter squalor, like they haven’t gotten along without you. Since when do you give a shit about the surface for anything other than your personal petri dish. Enough excuses. Do you care so little for your own people, or are you going to be so much like me to let them die out of spite?”

“I am already dying, as you pointed out, and I am sure you killed many of them. Why help furthering the destruction and stolen property. Not much logic with those muscles.”

Another crack against the desk.

“Fine-- fine. Enough. I will.” That seemed just as persuasive as whatever they might have said. He didn’t seem to have much tolerance for pain. Probably didn’t even know what a bullet wound felt like. (There was a creeping feeling in their gut, curling around their spine, reminding them to care, to feel, to-- something over him, that they should feel bad, but they ignored it.)

They kept a strong hand on his back, pressure keeping him down. The other hand with deathclaw gauntlet ready to tear through flesh, Pat still off in the corner of their eye. His hands slowly found their way to the keyboard, beginning to unlock the damn computer and go about doing what Fox had ordered him. Typing surprisingly slow. Clearly reluctant.

They scowled, muttering to themselves. Also him. 

He clicked his tongue. “Resorting to violence. The wastes truly did infect you.”

“Are you still-- are you still like this? Do you have to die on your high horse?”

“I am simply stating a fact. Let this old man have one last review of his experiment then. Since I am not your son.”

Teeth gritted. He had to salt the wound to the very end. “Fine, you want to be my son so bad? How about a bed time story, something to put you to sleep. And! It’s informative and helpful to you. I can tell you’re a boy who doesn’t like fiction. The story of sad little Henri Jones Houndstooth. Someone who had never been taught to say no. That poor... poor child.

“Her parents told her she was a girl, and she said yes.

“Her parents told her she should go into medicine, and she said yes.

“Her father told her she was a disgrace and unladylike and ugly, and she said yes. Her mother said she should be grateful they bothered to keep her, and she said yes.

“When asked if she liked men, she said yes.

“When he asked her to marry him, she said yes.

“She wasn’t very happy, mind you, through all her life. But. She thought. Perhaps she was the one at fault. Everyone else was always so happy, everyone else was always right. She was wrong, you see, and if she stuck around... if she spent enough time with these pretenses. She’d he happy just like them.

“And when he wanted a child, well… she didn’t say yes, that was for sure. But it happened anyway, didn’t it. You’re here, aren’t you?”

He was deathly silent. Hands hovering above the keyboard as Fox crooned in his ear. “That is the end of Henri Jones, you see, as she died soon after that. She didn’t want to go in a vault, you see, the idea there was so... trapped. Stuck. She’d never escape. But she didn’t know the word no. Never no, always yes. Vault-tec surely didn’t know the meaning of no, so it all worked out.”

“What a cruel person you are,” he turned his head slightly, eyes down to the floor. Not at them.

“You had to inherit it from somewhere.”