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zelda-cooper · 3 months ago

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Is Morgwing (Darkwing and Morgana) a toxic couple?

This is an opinion blog and about something I thought about these days, you can have a completely different opinion and share it here in the comments or reblogs. But I just ask that you read it until the end, think about it and, PLEASE, no toxic comments or threats! Having said that, let's continue...

These days I was doing my activities while listening to my podcast "Saint Canarian Files: A Darkwing Duck Podcast" (By the way, a very good podcast that I recommend! They're basically on EVERY social network that has podcasts!) and I ended up getting to the episodes of "Monsters R Us" and "My Valentine Ghoul"... I'm not a fan of these episodes, but I wanted to watch them because I like to hear other people's opinions about something I don't like. Then they started talking about the couple's interactions, so I was kind of doing my thing and my brain tuned into the audio... Then I paused and thought ".... Wait, what?", then I went back and listened more carefully... Then it went to the episode about Morgana's family and I was just in complete shock... Because it was right in front of me and I didn't see it. You know that I'm a person who defends Morgwing A LOT and this is my favorite shipp, but listening to this podcast and watching the episodes MORE CAREFULLY... My view started to change a lot about this couple. And not in a good way...

And now I'm here, writing about whether or not Darkwing Duck/Drake Mallard and Morgana Mawcaber are a toxic couple (the world goes round...). And just to clarify...

THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR HATE ON DARKWING OR MORGANA, MUCH LESS ON THEIR FANS!!!

But it's to try to analyze the couple's dynamics and see if there's any salvation or not. I'm NOT a couples psychologist either, much less have I dated in my life so far, but I'm guiding myself by some behaviors and experience in narratives. Having said that... Let's start by talking about the beginning of the couple.

It all started in Morgana's debut episode, "Fungus Amongus" (I know, lol...), where the future couple met... And right away we felt a slight tension between the two... Not slight... A LOT OF TENSION... Okay, just kidding... Right away, we see that they really like each other a lot and feel comfortable talking to each other, even with Morgana's family being against it, the two got along really well in the beginning. This extended to "Ghoul of My Dreams", where it is shown that Morgana really likes Darkwing, because if she didn't like it, it wouldn't make sense for her to dream about them getting married or for Drake to dream about Morgana kissing him, they really fell in love with each other... But there's a small problem... In these meetings, Drake ONLY appeared as Darkwing Duck, not in his civil form (this will change later on, but keep it in mind).

Then we get to the other two... "My Valentine Ghoul" and "Monsters R Us"... And here we already see the couple's problems... In the first one mentioned, we see that Drake is once again as Darkwing Duck and not Drake Mallard (which is already strange, considering that they are dating...), but also... He acts like an idiot with Morgana's feelings, belittling them and such... And the witch reacts angrily and throws magic at him, and, even at the end of the episode, with him saving Morgana, their behavior didn't change... In the second episode mentioned, we have another problem... And I'm not just talking about Drake...

In the episode, we meet the Addams Family - I MEAN, the Mawcaber Family! But especially Morgana's father... And he's the one who causes the biggest fight with Darkwing in the episode... And there's also a simple phrase that the Darkwing Duck Podcast people mentioned too... Where Morgana's father says that her daughter deserves happiness, but Darkwing counters by saying that she doesn't want happiness, she only wants him... Just that simple phrase already kind of shocked me... Where did I see that phrase? Oh, yes... In MANY abusive relationships! :D

And let's mention another episode, "Malice's Restaurant", where Drake also doesn't really support Morgana's dream and her food (ok, in the episode they really drew the food in a way that is disgusting, but you'd be surprised by the animals that are edible IN REAL LIFE...). I'm not going to mention "Hot Spells" because that episode is much more about Gosalyn and neither are the other episodes where Morgana appears with the Justice Ducks. I'm also not considering the Boom or Dynamite comics... Because I haven't exactly read them... IN MY DEFENSE, THEY DON'T EXIST IN THE COUNTRY WHERE I LIVE!!! And buying imported comic is also not an option because I don't have the money... So, uh... Basically that...

But having said all these points... I want to talk, now, about the characters' mistakes... Starting with Drake Mallard/Darkwing Duck...

•Take a deep breath....•

Can we start by talking about how much his personality doesn't help? He's very... VERY arrogant and problematic with many of his relationships... Even with LP, you think they're good friends, but in "Jailbird" and "Quack of Age" Darkwing is also extremely rude to him! And that also applies to his relationship with Morgana...

Let's go back to the two episodes I mentioned before, Drake never let Morgana talk and never cared much about her feelings and that's a red flag for Morgana that she tried to ignore... But there's also the fact that, at no point, he really trusted her... Because, if you notice... In all the dates we saw, Drake ALWAYS kept the disguise of Darkwing Duck, as his heroic persona! He never went on a date with her in the series being himself, and I suspect he DIDN'T WANT to reveal his secret identity to her. But then you remember "But in 'Malice's Restaurant' she appears with him in civilian clothes and also in the comics", yes... I also commented this with my friend Annie and she said it could be a coherence error because it was never explained how, but me... I have my Headcanon that he DIDN'T TELL, she was the one who found out ALONE (and let's be honest that's not hard, because even Negaduck found out because of the Launchpad-).

In this, we have two pillars of a bad relationship: Lack of trust and problematic personality. But there is another factor, which is how much Darkwing DOES NOT accept listening to Morgana, not even when it comes to her feelings. The biggest example is when he says that Morgana DOES NOT want happiness, she wants HIM. Which, let's face it, is not a healthy way to say it! And he also does not accept that she makes "disgusting food" in his eyes, even though he sees that his family and the Muddlefoots liked it. Now you can understand why Morgana's father did NOT want her to date Darkwing... But Morgana doesn't get away with it either... She also made a lot of mistakes...

This will have things from the series, but there will also be a lot of speculation... Because we know NOTHING about Morgana's past, but there are dots that we can try to connect. And let's start with... She didn't have the best of temperaments... And, let's go back to the two fateful ones... In "My Valentine Ghoul", we see how badly Morgana reacts when something goes wrong in her relationship. She gets angry, possessive and basically casts magic on her own boyfriend (even though he deserved it, the reaction was way too exaggerated...). But where did all this temper come from? Eh... I guess it was her father's fault. Let me explain...

Again in "Monsters R Us", we see that her father also did not accept listening to his daughter's opinion, she wanted him to give humans a chance, but he refused until the end. And, apparently, this WASN'T the first time he refused to listen to Morgana and, also, it seems that he was not angry that Morgana had a boyfriend, but rather, that this boyfriend is a HUMAN. And let's go to the theories and speculations... Why does Morgana's father HATE humans? Well... We saw most of Morgana's family in the series, EXCEPT HER MOTHER. There could be many reasons for this, she could be traveling or she could have gotten divorced, but the most likely thing for me is that her mother DIED. And here I'm going to pick a movie that has a similar story... "Hotel Transylvania".

In the first film, Dracula was completely overprotective of Mavis, because of the death of his wife, who died because of humans, going to EXTREME EXTREME measures to keep his daughter from leaving the Hotel. Nothing stops us from thinking that this also happened in the Mawcaber family and that this is what made the family patriarch hate humans so much that he doesn't want to listen to his daughter for ANYTHING. And the fact that she is always silenced, whether by Darkwing or by her own father, ends up generating these violent reactions in her. She ALWAYS has to scream and use her magic to be heard. This is even shown in a scene in the comics (I don't have the scene now, but it happened in a frame I saw randomly). Again, I'm not a psychologist, but having an upbringing where you can't have an opinion and where you can't even really feel the loss of grief MAY end up affecting your personality a lot... This may also have affected her self-esteem and made her very insecure...

BUT I STILL DON'T PUT HER UP!!!

She ALSO never worked on this issue in her life, never tried to deal with her temper or her insecurities. And remember how I said that her father was mad because Darkwing was HUMAN, not because she had a boyfriend? So... Like some other fans, I also think that Drake IS NOT Morgana's first love. She is clearly older than Drake (I'm guessing at least 100 years older, because monsters - We don't even know if they have the same limits as normal humans), so she really must have lived a long time! And these various relationships may have been a kind of escapism for Morgana, and I'll give another example... Rose Quartz from Steven Universe.

It has been said many times in the Steven Universe series that Rose had dated MANY humans during her "life"/existence (....?), it is both shown on screen and said by Pearl to Greg. Even if Rose didn't know what dating was, she only found out with Greg. And here it is the same thing with Morgana (in this case, she knew what dating was-), she used these "passing" relationships to try to escape her problems somehow. Until, at a certain point, she decided to go to Saint Canarian and follow her dream of having a restaurant, and the rest we already know...

But not to say that their relationship was terrible, toxic and horrible from start to finish... There are indeed points that are very good to highlight in their relationship.

Both characters were very loyal in their relationship from beginning to end and in the love they felt for each other, so much so that when one was in danger, the other went to save him. In "My Valentine Ghoul" (so attacked on this blog) this is proven, when Morgana was kidnapped by Negaduck, Darkwing ran to save her (he failed, but at least he tried -) and this goes for other episodes. And also, like it or not... They really LOVED each other and never wanted to harm their partner. In "Fungus Amongus" (sus) and "Ghoul of My Dreams", Morgana NEVER wanted Darkwing to get hurt and also wanted him to stay out of it. They truly loved each other and it was the first time that Morgana wanted a serious relationship... But even with that... I have to say... Their relationship is not good... For either side...

And we arrive at the fateful resolution... Is the relationship toxic?... Yes. But can the relationship be saved?... Maybe, but we don't know if it will last long...

Unfortunately... I don't know if their relationship will be saved... In the current comics, apparently from what I've seen, everything is fine now... But still, I'm very afraid of what their relationship might be like in the future.

Drake can still continue to be a jerk and arrogant who doesn't respect Morgana's feelings... And Morgana will be a temperamental and insecure person who can't control herself emotionally... But would it be possible for them to change? I don't know... Maybe... But they, perhaps, need to break up to see if they can really change their behavior... Even if they truly love each other, the relationship will only hurt both sides... Maybe... It's better for them to let go...

But... What do you think? If you want to comment or reblog, feel free... Thanks for reading this far and bye...

Art by @anniesilverl2

#darkwing duck #darkwing duck au #ducktales #morgana macawber #morgwing #morgana #dwd91 #dwd #disney afternoon #darkwing duck 1991 #drake mallard

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 4 years ago

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🌹 - ɟ

Hiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 You know how it works by now. These are the answers to the asks Mari/Stuck sent me. And happy Valentine’s Day to you all!! 🌹🌹 Enjoy 🙃

A lot of people have been interested in them, dear Anon. From managers, to publicists, to sponsors, partnerships, producers, etc., etc. and no, it was never a problem between them. That’s part of their job.

No, dear Anon. Camila and Ashlee are best friends. Ash ships/ped Camren. She has helped them a lot of times. I know why you thought this. Just as I know it may seem that Ash takes advantage of Camila because she created a lot of videos with her, made two songs about her, and brings her up at every opportunity, but it’s not what it seems. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to emerge as an artist in that world? Do you have any idea how many artists there are out there that you’ll never hear about because they’ll never make it to the top? Why do you know Ashlee? Thanks to 5H. Without having been their guitarist, you wouldn’t even know she existed. The fans that Juno has, are Harmonizers/Camilizers and some that she managed to make herself afterwards.

Ash is a real friend to our Mila. She has helped her more times than we could ever know, even by leaving the tour to help her friend. And Camila’s the same for her. Did you know that on June 13, 2020, in the face of the Black Lives Matter Movement she helped Ashlee sponsor a free scholarship for 20 black students to participate in the JUNO’s Guitar Bootcamp to help them create more opportunities in that field in their future? [Diana Foster, who I believe is her girlfriend or a great friend of hers anyway, also helped] Why on earth would Camila willingly help someone who ‘presumably’ would be taking advantage of her friendship? May I suggest you go watch one of the last videos they have together in Camila’s backstage? It dates back to 2019. Go watch it, dear Anon, and tell me if you don’t get an automatic smile on your lips.

Forgive me, Anon, with all due respect speaking, but what are you saying? “Camila has made mistakes (she has not been the best girlfriend possible)?” Are you for real? What are you talking about? Camila made her mistakes, but so did Lauren. So why are you only pointing the finger at Camila? Did you pay attention to their story? Did you hear/see what Lauren said on the podcast? Have you ever listened to their songs WELL? Because apparently, you didn’t. A couple is made up of two people and mistakes are made by two, not just by one.

No, dear Anon. Closer was never a song of hers in the first place, let alone one she could sell. The Chainsmokers wanted her in the song. She recorded a rough demo for them and then turned it down. I know that when she turned it down and they passed it on to Halsey, she wrote and contributed to some of the lyrics (she appears as a songwriter in the credits), so I believe she wrote those in the place of the ones Mila wrote in her version, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if Camila had the time to write her part like Ashley (Halsey) did, or if she directly recorded the demo as she did with The Middle. Until it’s leaked, we won’t have an answer.

The fact is that Closer was simply a project that was proposed to her when she was still in 5H and that she turned down because 7/27 was about to come out. Just as she declined to participate in Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood music video for them (5H). And I still wonder how the haters still consider her a bitch 🙄🙄

Ligas, or hair bands, or también se dice colitas, verdad? Or hair ties as I like to call them, were originally Lauren’s. Lauren had two on her wrist at X-Factor and then, magically, one ended up on Camila’s wrist. I personally think that was their first symbol, but of friendship. And no, dear Anon, they didn’t replace the rings. The rings didn’t yet exist at that time. If the rings were one of their symbols of love, the hair ties were symbols of friendship, at least in the beginning.

P.S. dear Anon, I would like that as soon as you finish reading this post, you’d type ‘garters’ on Google and click directly on images 🤣 I really, REALLY, love you for this, believe me 😉❤️

I watched all the interviews held in Spain in 2015 and you can see the differences, dear Anon. The two interviews with Revista Bravo and the one with Vodafone Yu are more or less normal. There’s tension between all of them because the big mess had recently happened. But in Alyson’s one with NSP PROJECTS and the one with LOS40 in which Alyson is in as well… Gosh… Your second question is my answer, dear Anon. Yes, they broke up, but that was even before they went to Europe.

As for your last question, on the one hand, I think she was single, attracted to the interviewer, and that she didn’t have to be accountable to anyone because being single, she could do whatever she wanted. But on the other hand, I think it may have been done on purpose for revenge since they’ve always played these jealousy games. I don’t think she managed to control herself though. It shows in both of those interviews, although it’s much more evident in the one with NSP PROJECTS. I don’t think she really realized the gravity of what she was doing because she was too wrapped up in Alyson and too busy in impressed her than everything else. I don’t think she noticed, at least not during the interviews, how hurt Lauren was.

I don’t want to tell you yes or no if her behavior was correct or not, simply because I don’t know if she did it because as I said she was single and didn’t have to answer to anyone, or if she did it out of revenge because she wanted Laur to be jealous. My instinctive response would be that it wasn’t corrected because of the effect it had on Laur who was also going through the dark diary period, but I don’t really know why Mila did what she did. She may have had her reasons, and maybe knowing them, my answer would be different, or the same. I don’t know because I don’t know the reasons behind this. Lauren has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Camila, and Camila has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Lauren. They’ve hurt each other many times. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. So I prefer to abstain because, at least in this case, I don’t feel like judging something I don’t know. Much less point the finger.

Hi @ camilalauren0327 😄👋🏼 yeah, writing is therapeutic for them, as it is for many other people, myself included. Dancing was for me as well. Many people find it therapeutic to play sports, others find it in various forms of art, etc., etc.

I don’t know if Camren did couples therapy 🤷🏻‍♀‍ I think if they really did it, they did it after 5H.

Doctors of all kinds, and therefore also psychologists, consultants, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. are bound by the federal law HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act). Many therapists themselves indeed, prefer to establish confidentiality limits even before starting therapy. For example, the fact that they’re required to maintain therapy content is established regardless, but with you, they can determine who they can contact with your written permission, or if they can’t contact anyone. If YOU client prefer it, you can also establish that outside those four walls, you’re not really in therapy and that therefore if you meet your therapist in a supermarket, for example, they’ll pretend not to know you and will not acknowledge you at all in order to protect your client-therapist confidentiality. So, at the end of the day, it really depends on you and what you establish with your therapist.

This, however, is sometimes not enough for celebrities. Those who really, but really care about privacy and don’t want to take risks, require their therapist to also sign an NDA as a backup and reinforcement plan, so that it covers everything, including sections that HIPAA doesn’t administer.

Both, dear @camilalauren0327, and hi again 👋🏼😊 In the Consequences video and on the day of Say You Won’t Let Go she was paying tribute to Lauren and to the old Camila. For Consequences, that was one of the many symbols we find in the video that served as a clue. For Say You Won’t Let Go it was yes a tribute to Lauren and to old Camila, but it was more of a message for her. The song was for her, the bow was for her, and the rose on her pants was for her. It was like: “Hey, I’m still here. I’m still me. See the bow? See the rose? The song? It’s all for you. The title of the song already speaks for itself. Let’s try again”. That was indeed still the period of rapprochement between them. As for the other times she wore it, and I remember that she even wore it around her neck on more than one occasion, it was for style.

Sure thing, dear Anon 🙃 Curious is a song discarded from the album Camila, and I don’t know if you’ll like my interpretation, dear Anon, because this song is not about Lauren (for me).

Verse 1

“I lose myself when you start talkin’

There’s something riveting about you, it’s got me confused”

Camila finds this girl so fascinating, that not only does she gets lost when she talks, but it also makes her confused. Confused because she didn’t think another girl could have this effect on her while her mind was always on Lauren. And yes, girl. It’s not the first time that Camila has had to mask this in her songs.

“If we went back to your apartment

Would you be a gentleman and a bad boy too?”

She’s provocative here. She’s literally provoking and teasing the girl: “Could you be sweet and at the same time rough enough to slamming me against the wall?” If you know what I mean…

Pre-Chorus

“I know you think, I’m innocent

Little do you know where my mind has been?”

When you see Camila in videos and interviews, you’re hit by her energy 80% of the time. She’s this cute and goofy and clumsy and dorky ball of bubbly energy that cracks a smile from you all the time. She’s funny with her lame jokes that however always make you laugh, and most of the time, you see her in this innocent light. And it’s true. She looks like this innocent little bean that must be protected at all costs. But we also know that she’s far from innocent. And here, that’s what she’s telling the girl: “If you knew what I’ve been thinking about you, about us, about what I want to happen, you’d understand that I’m not that innocent after all.”

“I don’t have much experience

Could you relieve me of my ignorance?”

The only sexual experience Camila had had up to that point, had been with Lauren. So unlike this girl, Camila had only had one partner, and she’s telling her just that: “I don’t have much experience as you do. Could you help me out?”

“It’s true (It’s true, it’s true)

Been wondering about you”

Here she’s basically questioning whether the expectation equals the reality.

Chorus

“I’m just cu—, I’m just curious

What you do, just got the two of us

Hit me down, take me up

Can you teach me how to love?

I’m just curious”

She’s telling her that what they do in private between them, will stay between the two of them. And then… Ahem-Ahem! *Throat clearing* I’m really trying to hold back as much as possible here guys… If I hadn’t received complaints in the past about some of the answers I gave in other posts, I wouldn’t have had any kind of problem explaining exactly what she says sentence by sentence, but I’ll just limit myself by saying that she’s asking her to teach her to be more expert on the subject matter.

Post-Chorus

“Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling

Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling”

This girl makes her feel in a certain type of way that Camila herself refrains from saying what she really wants to say. Still if you know what I mean…

Verse 2

“I’m kinda nervous but I like it (Yeah)”

Because it’s a good kind of nervous. An exciting kind of nervous.

“Will you live up to the image that I got of you?”

Again. As I said before, she’s basically asking if the expectation equals the reality.

“You’re not usually my type, yeah

I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you (Oh, oh)”

And this, speaks for itself. Who’s Camila’s type? With whom is she making the comparison? Who does she have in mind to justify her actions? She’s there with this girl because her type is who?

Before I wrap up, I want to explain to you why this song has nothing of Lauren for me. So I’m going to rewrite some pieces of the song to debunk it’s about Lauren.

“If we went back to your apartment”

Lauren didn’t have an apartment yet. She wasn’t living alone yet. 5H had two apartments that they shared together in the months of recording, and for the rest, they lived constantly in hotels. This girl (older than her) had an apartment.

“I know you think, I’m innocent”

Lauren and Camila had already had sex. Hello? Since the Like Friends Do situation. So she’s not talking about Lauren because she already knew Camila wasn’t innocent.

“I don’t have much experience”

Again. Experience she’d precisely had with Laur.

“Been wondering about you”

She had to wonder about Lauren if she had already been with her sexually? What would have been the sense?

“What you do, just got the two of us”

If she was really talking about Lauren, this would’ve been a big bullshit because there were people who knew about them. The ones closest to them for sure. Like DNA. DNA knew about them right from the start and lived their story basically along with them. Not to mention that they heard them on more than one occasion. Hell, even we heard them thanks to that takeover.

“You’re not usually my type”

Definitely not Lauren! Isn’t Lauren Camila’s type? In which universe?

“I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you”

Exactly! This girl, whether it was physically or of character, wasn’t like Lauren.

Aaand these are the reasons why I’m 100% sure this song is not about Lauren, dear Anon.

Of course I can, dear Anon 😄

Cleopatra is a song discarded from the album Camila, and created during The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era. C ended Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March 2017 and we know it was the last song of The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era before the album name changed to Camila, so Cleopatra was finished before that.

Verse

“Ridin’ ‘round town in the backseat

Looking like the real deal

Looking real, real, real

Spent so long cuttin’ my teeth

Thought you were the real deal

But it wasn’t real, real, real, uh”

Camila is in the back of a car and, you know how sometimes you find yourself spacing out and thinking about something in those moments? Maybe by looking out the window but not really looking because you’re thinking about that something? It can be something trivial or something important, and in Camila’s case, in this case specifically, she’s overthinking about her relationship with Lauren. They had clearly broken up, and Camila is thinking about how she believed L was the real deal.

With ‘cuttin’ my teeth’ she used a slang to indicate that she learned something early in her life. The slang of cut my/your/her/his/their teeth was born in reference to the exit of the teeth from a baby’s gums and consequently indicates a first experience. So, here she means that she spent too much time learning the ropes believing for real that Lauren was for her, and then realize that she wasn’t.

[Don’t be discouraged and keep in mind that in this case, they were passing thoughts because she was definitely angry, bitter, and sad. We all are after a fight or a breakup with a partner. Besides, we all know that L is the love of her life. Think of songs like Never Be the Same (It’s you, babe), All These Years ('Cause after all these years, I still feel everything when you are near), Taxy (The greatest love story that’s never been told), and many others up to one of the ‘most recent’ ones: Anyone (You are the only one I’ll ever love) 😉]

Pre-Chorus

“Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh-ooh

Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh”

Aaaand back at it again with their communication problems. Even if she has generalized a lot here, she still makes us understand the essence of the problem.

Chorus

“I think I kinda wanna cut my hair like I’m

I’m Cleopatra”

When people move on or try to move on after a breakup, what do they usually do? They look for a change. They want to separate themselves from their past selves, of the ones they were when they were in a relationship with the person they broke up with, and they seek a change, aka self-improvement. Most of the time visual, and therefore physical. This change is seen as a new beginning, a new chapter in their life where they want to feel good again. They want to feel attractive. And this is how self-innovation begins. Some go on a diet, others change their style and wardrobe, and then there’s what many see as a rite of passage: a new haircut.

Camila in this case used Cleopatra’s cut as a metaphor for the change she wanted to make about herself. Cleopatra is one of the most famous known queens in the world. Strong, intelligent, powerful, and that radiates charm in everyone since ever. But Camila isn’t talking about Cleopatra the person. She’s talking about her haircut. Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila. Remember how I said earlier that Camila finished Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March and that she finished this song before that? Well, although this song talks about 2015, it was made in 2017. And guess what happened in that same period? Camila cut her hair by getting bangs. To be precise, it happened on March 31, 2017 (picture + caption: “joined the bang club now”). Coincidence? Yeah, sure, I don’t think so. Plus, although she used it as a metaphor, Camila has actually always wanted a Cleopatra cut, thing that, if you think about it, she now has for real. [Oh, oh and, rumor has it that Cleopatra was bisexual as was 100% Julius Caesar🤫🤭]

“Wanna dance on cars

And forget it all after

Skip these sad love songs cause I

Need something faster and now baby

Kinda think I’m ready”

The freedom I was saying before? (Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila) She talks about it here. She used the wanting to dance on cars and the skipping sad love songs as figurative expressions of the freedom she wanted to feel, and that she wanted to feel fast because there was gonna be no crying in the club this time. 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry, dear Anon, I had to 😝 No but, seriously though. She just wanted to shed the past and move on right away because she was ready. And she was also ready for the power part I referred to earlier that she explains here:

Post-Chorus

“Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want

Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want, yeah”

Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now. We have a double interpretation here. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Camila is a fucking genius. And being the fucking genius lyricist that she is, she used a double meaning here to let everyone interpret this part as they please. The double interpretation is so well hidden, that people who listen to this song without knowing the details, such as for example knowing something about Camila’s life or the year the song was made, would never know because they wouldn’t even notice.

The first interpretation ties into what she says about wanting to dance on cars in the chorus. That’s also a way of saying she just wants to dance thoughtlessly and have fun, but on cars? It’s a metaphor to say that she wants to do it by drawing everyone’s attention. I want you to picture something now, okay? Picture a party with a bunch of people dancing and drinking, and in the midst of the fun, someone climbs on the hood of a car or a counter or any other high surface to keep dancing. Can you picture what would happen at that moment? Can you picture how all the people there would turn to look at that person and shout, clap, and cheer them on? Now picture the same scenario with a person still climbing on something high, but to announce something. It’s the same thing. It’s the same purpose. Getting on top, getting on top of something, is to automatically draw attention. So the connection that leads us to the first interpretation is: Wanna dance on cars - Needed to be all eyes on me.

The second interpretation, on the other hand, is basically the same as regards wanting attention on her, but with another direction and another chorus sentence. Camila is a singer. She’s a performer. She LOVES to perform. She LOVES the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the anxiety, the nerves, the pressure, and the feeling of shitting herself before entering a stage. She LOVES the almost blinding stage lights, the screams, the cheers, the applause, and all the love from the fans. She LOVES mastering the stage, interacting with the audience, and delivering a show. She sings her heart out and LOVES it when the audience sings back to her. She has so much passion and she’s so fucking good at what she does. Why am I saying all this? Because with this hidden interpretation, Mila refers to her solo debut. Like I said, this song was made in 2017, remember? So the connection that leads us to the second interpretation is: Now baby, kinda think I’m ready - Needed to be all eyes on me. Ready for her debut.

Both indicate the attention and power (feeling of power) that I mentioned earlier that comes with it.

Bridge

“See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin’

See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin'”

This part is cryptic. Since they broke up here, I think she’s just saying that it’s okay. That it’s okay for Lauren to be the way she is and that it’s okay if they’re letting each other go (Yeah, sure, Jan 🤣). No hard feelings. Or at least, that’s my interpretation.

—

Before concluding this post, I’d like to make amends. My friend, the same one I ‘roasted’ in my last post (📄 - ɟ), hey, hi girl 😝 literally shoved her phone in my face a few days ago to show me an ask sent to @emisonme (hi to you too if you’re reading 👋🏼😄) in which I was mentioned. I’d like to apologize to all of you because I made a mistake, although not intentionally. I didn’t know Simon was no longer one of the directors of Simco Limited. I went to check it out and immediately understood why I didn’t know. Because it happened more or less recently (on September 17, 2020) and I hadn’t done a thorough research on the piece of shit since last summer (July) when Syco integrated into Sony.

I got really mad at myself for doing one of the things I hate: giving out wrong information. Camila and Lauren are ‘free’ from Simon, and I put that in quotes because one of the clauses that are in every Simmenthal Cow contract includes not being able to speak ill of him. I’m not kidding. This is a piece of an article from many years ago that is still on the internet today that talks about X Factor contracts: “The contract, which runs for 80 pages, also reportedly states that the rules are enforceable anywhere ‘in the world and solar system’ and that artists may not be critical of the company, ‘including its personnel and, in particular, Simon Cowell’. The contract makes clear no-one can speak badly of X Factor supremo Simon.”

Supremo… Supremo? Like what, the Supreme from American Horror Story (some fans of the series like me here)? Should I start calling him Cordelia? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I could never. I’m sorry Sarah (Paulson) for even giving it the slightest thought, love. I’m deeply ashamed. Sooo, like what? A supremo Super Saiyan (Dragon Ball)? If he clenches his hands into fists and screams, does his hair turn blonde? No, huh? So like what exactly? The supremo asshole? You know what? It doesn’t matter. He’s ridiculous enough per se.

Anyway. Camren are free I hope completely from Simon, but we don’t know yet if the contract ended along with Simon’s exit or if it’s still standing. We’ll see as soon as one of them releases a new song.

Please accept my sincere apologies, guys 🙏🏼 And thank you @emisonme for giving me a great news, albeit indirectly. You’re a real one 😊

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I’m done 🙈 I hope I was helpful in this case too. As usual, I’m always available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 🙃 And as always, I thank Mari for giving me space in her blog and for making this exchange possible, and thanks to you Anons for your asks 🥰

Be kind, to others and to yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

P.S. who wants to be my virtual Valentine? 🌹 🌹 🌹

____

I have to say sorry to F again because this submission should be posted last night and I couldn’t. Thanks for the long ass post F.

Another advice, I closed the inbox for anons as you know and I will open it again in a few days when I don’t be too busy. Save your asks for F anyway, anons!

#submission #f anon #long ass post #valentine answers #sorry for the late post #anon #ask #f answers

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frienderbender · 3 years ago

Note

Ooh I LOVE your idea that Rikki's father was maybe some kind of authority figure that could easily get him out of minor legal trouble or smooth over his run-ins with the law; that would explain so much about him 👀 And poor Rikki, I forget that he quite literally wears his heart on his sleeve in a way, all tattooed there in cursive font, so he couldn't really hide the romantic part of his past if he wanted to :') On a semi-related note - I'm not sure what your taste in movies is, but if you're looking for something to watch, the new(-ish) Guillermo del Toro movie "Nightmare Alley" is about a clever & charming con-man who manipulates people into thinking he can read their minds, and he ends up entangled with a psychologist who's just as tricky as he is, and the story has some themes re: alcoholism too. It's grim, but I definitely recommend it

thank you! it just makes the most sense because i feel like him being able to get out of pretty much any trouble as a kid kinda set his attitude for life?? bc then by the time he was an adult he was becoming wildly successful and rich so he could just. pay his way out. so he’s had these very easy ways to get out of trouble his whole life so that’s why he acts Like That. and like even after he became sober he still had not only all this money but also these really devoted fans and followers so it’s just like. hm. i dunno. interesting. i feel like i say this all the time but i really need to like, make a big rikki lore post. i have all these specifics in my head it’s just a matter of. actually writing everything down and sharing it. and not feeling self-conscious writing all this lore for a side character….

also RIGHT i just imagine john looking at the tattoo and then kinda gesturing at it with his pen like “so you wanna talk about this?” and rikki just glares at him. crosses his arms tighter and sinks lower in his chair.

also i did want to see that! i remember when it came out my mom and i were talking about it lol it seemed like something we’d enjoy. plus i listened to del toro on marc’s podcast and they were talking about some of the film’s themes and it was super fascinating to hear. for sure on my to-watch list, and i’d definitely be interested to kinda…have it in the back of my mind while i think about john and rikki ahaha

#asks

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incidentreport31 · 3 years ago

Text

Episode One: In the Middle of the Street TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts.]

[Intro music players.]

ANNOUNCER:

Three-Eyed Frog Presents: Incident Report Number 31.

[Theme song fades to a stop.]

[click recorder on]

ARCHIVIST:

Test. Test. One, two, three. (mutters) Bloody hell, why does it smell like something died in here? Well, guess we can’t prove something didn’t, eh? The recorder seems to be working, at least.

My name is Val West. I’m the newly appointed head archivist at The [REDACTED] Institute, which documents people’s possible experiences with the supernatural for both emotional support purposes and to get recovery time off of work, school, et cetera if the trauma is deemed severe enough by their employers or other supervisory staff.[beat as they scoff] Supernatural doctor’s note, innit...

The Head of the Institute, Mr. Neil Banks, has asked me to record these accounts because, well, there actually isn’t really a good reason. [mutters] Didn’t spend eight years getting a masters in library sciences to read stories into a dusty tape recorder, but, we all have to get by.

I do, at least, have people to assist me: two researchers: Zach Zamuel-Imogen Baker, and Christine Lewis, along with, I’m told, a very well-respected psychologist: one [hesitant] Dr. Oliver Possum, who will be advising me on any cases where there is necessary psychological follow up. I haven’t actually met any of them yet, but hopefully they will be helpful.

I was also explicitly told not to look behind the bookshelf to my left, so I will be looking behind the bookshelf later today...right. Guess I should get started, then.

[Sound of papers tapped on desk to organize them]

ARCHIVIST:

[They clear their throat.] For the consideration of Ortolan Bunting Law Firm: Ayla Stephenson’s encounter with a house that did not exist and her subsequent request for thirty hours of paid time off. No date given. Fine by me. Not gonna lose sleep over improperly filled out paperwork. Well. Start? I suppose? Yes.

[ACCOUNT.]

I feel the need to start with this, so you fully understand what I’m trying to say. I have a feeling you’ll just dismiss my story otherwise. I’ve lived here going on ten years now. Moved here on the promise of a job from the same company that I still work for today: Ortolan Bunting Law Firm. I drive the same route to work every day. I mean, I looked up the quickest way on the map when I first moved to town, and hey, who am I to question that? If it works it works. No need to make something difficult when the map’ll just figure it for you that first day, right?

I guess I’m getting a bit off topic here, but my point is that I’ve been going the same way for a decade, which is to say that I know the route to and from work like the back of my hand. Sure, maybe I don’t pay attention to every detail every day, I mean after ten years, the drive is almost an unconscious thing-

ARCHIVIST:

(mutters) Not a great way to build up your story’s credibility but, I digress.

[ACCOUNT.]

-but I still know all the road’s quirks, even if they don’t stick out to me after all this time. I know that the first left turn light on the way lasts for about two seconds and if you’re more than two cars behind in line, you’ll have to wait a whole cycle to go. I know there’s a business center that, god knows why, has their logo done in comic sans just off to the right before I merge onto the highway. Once I’m on that freeway for about fifteen minutes, I can see this drive through coffee place on one of the adjacent streets. Every single morning the line’s backed up out to the street- you’d think there’d be a better way to do that, but that’s more of a personal gripe and certainly not the point. On my way back from work, I take a few side streets to avoid rush hour traffic on the main road- just the way the map recommended on my first day, of course, I’m not looking to get lost in the backroads. There’s a few old houses, sometimes I see elderly couples sitting out on their porches. Sometimes they wave and I do have the decency to wave back, though some of my colleagues might not believe you… I’m afraid I’ve been a bit put off by this whole experience and have been taking it out on some of my coworkers. All the more reason to give me the [THE ARCHIVIST sighs this last part out as they are once again pulled out of the story] time off that I so kindly requested.

ARCHIVIST:

That last line is crossed out. It appears that Ms. Stephenson was reluctant for her Firm to read that bit if this ever got back around to them. To be honest, the way that this is going, I’m not so sure that plea would have done anything for her, but I am, of course, to remain the impartial academic in my work here, so I suppose I’ll allow the defacing of Institute paperwork just this once, even if the scribbles are rather unprofessional.

[ACCOUNT.]

There're a few empty lots there too. I think at one point, the city wanted to buy them up and make a park, but I don’t think they ever got around to it. Really don’t think they will now. I’m getting ahead of myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been going the same way day in and day out for ten years… I’d notice if something was different.

ARCHIVIST:

I’m assuming… that is the point of this report yes? [beat] Continuing on.

[ACCOUNT.]

Nothing that day was really any different, I’d say. Just drove to work, hit all the usual landmarks: waiting to turn at the light, glancing at the comic sans sign, thinking that that coffee shop is definitely obstructing traffic, the usual. Went to work, got through the day with… minor amounts of stress… I mean it’s legal work, it isn’t fun, but somebody’s gotta do it. Got off right at five, gathered up my things and left. I took my usual streets, not really minding anything, but I noticed no one was out on the porches. That’s not unusual, I know, people can be inconsistent, it’s not a big deal, but looking back? Maybe they knew something was off… I mean if I’d lived in that neighborhood I certainly would have.

[Eerie music begins playing.]

I always drive with the radio on, can’t stand being alone with my thoughts on a busy street where road rage can make its way into my thoughts. Guess I should’ve mentioned that earlier, huh? Either way it seems important that I say it’s part of my daily life. I do it every day, and I’ve never had a problem with reception in that area, so when the sound started to glitch out, I thought something was wrong with my car. It was frustrating, sure, but not a big deal, even if I don’t necessarily enjoy the sound of static more than the average person.

I went through the usual useless attempts to fix it, of course. Smacked it a few times, turned it off and on again, but nothing changed. In the end, I just turned it off as I kept driving. Figured my own thoughts were better than the white noise that faded in and out of my speaker at an unpredictable volume. Things were fine for a few minutes. I’d almost gotten to the end of the street when I realized something wasn’t quite right.

At first, I thought maybe the light was just reflecting into my eyes weird. Maybe I’d just seen something out of the corner of my eye that there was a fine explanation for. Because… I knew this road. And there had never been a house there before. I was sure of it. A whole house isn’t something that could go up in a night, but you know that, you aren’t an idiot.

[Record scratch, cutting the music off.]

ARCHIVIST:

[pretentious bastard] I’d certainly like to think so, yes.

[ACCOUNT.]

But there it was. It wasn’t right next to the other houses, a few lots down the road instead. Other than my knowledge that it wasn’t there before, though, it could have blended into the neighborhood without anyone noticing.All things considered, it was a pretty nice house. Sure, it was done up in that fancy Victorian style and therefore inherently a little unnerving, you know how those old places just seem a little haunted even if they’re perfectly put together?

Still, beyond that, it was fine. Not broken down in that sort of creepy ghost way that you see in movies, or anything. The paint was pretty well done, only a little aged from the sun, and all the wood on the wrap-around porch was together. I mean if I was building a murder house, I would’ve splintered the boards and peeled up the exterior wall a bit, something along those lines, you know? It looked like someone could have been living out of it. Totally normal.

I know what you’re thinking, that I got out and had a look, but I can’t say I did. As the sun was going down? While I was all of a sudden unsure of my own thoughts? Really? No way in hell. I’m not an idiot either. So I kept driving. As I passed by, I got this strange feeling… like I wasn’t alone on the street. I don’t know if I imagined it or not, but with how much I was already questioning what I knew, I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer, and I sped away, not wanting to stick around any longer than I had to. Now, when I got home, I went through stages of denial before realizing that, hey, it wasn’t my damn neighborhood, and therefore not actually a problem that I would have to deal with.

At least until I was driving back from work the next afternoon. Funny how that works… your problems don’t just disappear because you’ve chosen to ignore them. Although ignore is a strong word considering I spent all day at work worrying about whether or not I should trust myself and whether or not I would see the house again when I drove home… I could’ve gone another route, of course. Could’ve gone even one street over and left it at that.

But that isn’t how it works, is it? I was so unsure of my own thoughts that I’d rather put myself in a situation that seemed potentially harmful than not know if I was wrong or not. [beat] So I went down the same route, just like I’d been conditioned to for the last decade. Once again, the couples were inside. They had to know something was wrong, I mean I was able to realize the house shouldn’t have been there and I didn’t even live in the neighborhood. I slowed my car to a snail’s pace as I inspected all about the street that I could. Not really sure what I was looking for if I’m being honest, but when I got to the house, I’d convinced myself that, yes, in fact, it was as real as the rest of the places on the block.

I don’t think it was really a conscious decision when I stopped the car. I’d just been going so slow already and… well I’d reached my target, hadn’t I? I sat and gazed over the house for a few moments. Looking over the perfect condition it seemed to be in, to no avail. It seemed to be perfectly normal. Maybe… Maybe I was really just in my head about all of this. Was it really that hard to believe? I should’ve just left, stopped staring at this place. Sitting there wasn’t going to change the fact that it was there, whether or not I could really trust my mind.

But… then I saw the curtains in the front window move. I snapped my gaze over to where I’d seen the motion and there was a little boy staring at me through the glass. He looked off to something behind the curtain before looking back over and waving, grinning a gap toothed smile at me. I... Well I wasn’t quite sure what to do with that so… I waved back. What else was I supposed to do? In an instance, I became convinced that I’d really just made the whole thing up. If there really was someone inside and nothing untoward seemed to be going on, the kid had seemed perfectly happy after all, then it had to be a real house. And really, if it had been some big spooky master plan, then why would he have acknowledged me? I’ve been to the movie theatre. I know children in horror flicks can be creepy, but just straight up waving at me like I was just another neighbor and nothing was going on? Didn’t exactly set up the sinister mood that I figured would have come from the place.

And then a hand shot out and. The kid recoiled as it shut, looking disappointed that he’d been caught doing something it was evident he wasn't supposed to. And I snapped back into trusting myself and sticking with my gut. I didn’t like the look of that. At all. Unfortunately, my whole life, I’ve generally been prone to the third fear response rather than either of the useful ones: I freeze. This time was no different. I couldn’t bring myself to drive away.

[In the background, eerie music begins playing.]

I sat there in dead silence for what felt like hours with a vague feeling of unease hanging in the air when the door opened. A man stepped out, wearing this fine tailored suit that I’d seen clients wealthier than I would ever be wear into my office and carried himself with the confidence of a person that knows no one is going to cross them. Despite all that, his face was soft. Approachable. Kind, even. Seemed like the kind of guy that knew he had money, but was willing to help you if you’d just say thank you afterwards.

As he approached my car he called out to me: “Hello there!”

Nice and friendly. Even with the strangeness of a few moments ago and my lingering unease, I could hardly bring myself to believe that this man would do anything to me. Sure, I was still stuck to my seat in fear, but he seemed perfectly safe. Maybe that’s just what it’s like to be charismatic though, looking back. I wasn’t sure what to do at that point, but my pre-programmed social response got the better of me and I rolled down my window to meet him.

“Hi.” I said. Just a simple greeting until I could really figure out what was happening.

He put one hand on the top of my car and leaned down to meet my eyes. As he spoke, his smile never faded: “So… I take it… you can see this place?”

Well, I was so taken aback I wasn’t really sure what to say, so I just nodded. And the next thing he said, well… threw me a bit off. He stood up, brushed off his pants calmly, turned back to the house, began walking, and he just said-

[Record scratch, cutting the music off.]

ARCHIVIST:

Now there’s a profanity here that I will not repeat, but it seems Ayla’s statement finishes there.

[The Archivist sighs and shuffles their papers.]

ARCHIVIST:

There’s not much followup to be done here. Ayla gave us a street address, but didn’t actually tell us which house it was. [mutters] Perhaps she’s more of an idiot than she claims to be.

Regardless, upon investigating the street, nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary, though none of our staff were familiar enough with the area to tell which houses should and shouldn’t be there. In my personal opinion, this is a mere case of a poor attention span. I can’t blame Ayla, I suppose, but was it really worth coming here and telling a whole dramatic story over it?

[scoff] There are some other areas of this statement that leave room for questioning and research, such as the radio static and the house’s residents. For now, however, I will be filing this one under “Irrelevant” in my mind. End recording.

[Recorder clicks on.]

[Recorder clicks back on.]

[There’s footsteps as HR walks down the hall. They knock on the Archivist’s office door. Meanwhile, the Archivist can be heard moving something.]

HR:

[muffled] Uh, hello? I’ve got something for the Archivist.

ARCHIVIST:

Oh, uh, yes, of course. Just let me— [They curse as they are heard tripping over piles of statements.]

[A pause.]

HR:

...should I come back at a later time, or—?

[The door suddenly swings open.]

ARCHIVIST:

Right. Blimey. Sorry about that, mate. What’s all this, then?

HR:

Er, are you the head archivist?

ARCHIVIST:

That depends, who’s asking?

HR:

Your HR. I’m also an intern under Mr. Banks, which brings about a whole array of other useless titles, but for your purposes, I’m just HR. My name is Luca.

ARCHIVIST:

Oh! Lovely. Mr. Banks told me I’d be seeing you. Um, pleasure to meet you.

HR:

Thanks, you—wait, wh—?

ARCHIVIST:

[trying to change the subject] Say, why are you here, Luca? Any plans for after your internship? I mean, surely, you have a field of study, a career plan?

HR:

[slowly, growing increasingly confused] Oh, um, yeah. I, um—well, I started here—um, yeah, after my internship, I. Uh.

ARCHIVIST:

It’s alright if you don’t have a plan, y’know. Took me a while to figure all my stuff out, and, well, I got out alive, didn’t I?

HR:

No, it’s just—I know I have something, I just. Um. [desperately trying to change the subject] What are you doing in there, exactly?

ARCHIVIST:

[beat] Oh, just some housekeeping.

HR:

...and that required you to move an entire bookshelf?

[A long pause.]

ARCHIVIST:

Listen, I know what this looks like.

HR:

Doesn’t he have a weird thing about that?

ARCHIVIST:

[passionate] Which is exactly why I did it! I mean, they’re not the heaviest bookshelves in the world, so it’s certainly not a matter of safety.

HR:

[mutters] As if Mr. Banks has ever valued the life and safety of his employees.

[Both are heard walking back into the office towards where the bookshelf was.]

ARCHIVIST:

[cont.] Which means there must have been something weird about the bookshelf—and I was right. See, look, there’s like a weird...hole. Thing.

HR:

...I’m guessing that’s why Mr. Banks made me bring you a shovel?

ARCHIVIST:

Hm? Oh, right, the shovel. Kind of forgot I had asked for that.

HR:

How did you not notice I was carrying it when I came here?

ARCHIVIST:

You see, within the hole, there’s this big mound of dirt, and I have reason to believe that there’s something hidden beneath.

HR:

[They sniff, then, disgusted] Oh god, why does it smell like something died in there?

ARCHIVIST:

That’s what I’m trying to find out.

HR:

Look, can’t you just...I don’t know, leave it? Like, just put the bookshelf back, spray some air freshener, and then be done with it? I really don’t want to have to write this up.

ARCHIVIST:

You expect me to work under these conditions? Having a mysterious hole in my wall with no idea what’s lurking within?

HR:

Look, I just think this is a really stupid idea. If Mr. Banks finds out—

ARCHIVIST:

He’s not going to! You— [they huff a sigh.] Would you just hand me my shovel? I’m going in!

HR:

Whatever you say.

[HR hands the Archivist the shovel.]

ARCHIVIST:

Thank you.

[They are heard shoveling for some time, before the Archivist finally seems to hit something.]

HR:

Is...is that…?

ARCHIVIST:

My god.

HR:

That’s a dead body.

ARCHIVIST:

Appears to be. [beat.] Do you know who it is?

HR:

I mean, they’re sort of hard to recognize now.

ARCHIVIST:

Perhaps the previous archivist?

HR:

I dunno, I never knew them.

[A long pause.]

ARCHIVIST:

Right, then. Back to work. Mind helping me move this bookshelf?

HR:

(under their breath) God, I’m gonna have to write this up, aren’t I?

[Recorder clicks off.]

[Theme music plays.]

[CREDITS.]

Incident Report Number 31 is a podcast made by Three-Eyed Frog Presents. This episode, “In the Middle of the Street,” was written, directed, and produced by Val West and Luka Miller with sound design by Luka Miller. This episode featured Val West as the Archivist and Luka Miller as HR. Music is produced by Luka Miller. To keep up with the show and find transcripts, make sure to follow us on our Twitter at @IR31Pod and on tumblr at @IncidentReport31. To contact us with any questions or concerns, feel free to email us at [email protected]. Thanks so much for listening!

#ir31pod transcripts

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amerasdreams · 3 years ago

Text

I have been listening to True Spies podcast on Spotify. It’s apparently connected to a thing called Spyscape, which has a museum/experience thing in New York. They also have an online test for your personality and intelligence.... well those intelligence tests all of course have to do with math. and they are TIMED. somehow I got thru guessing most of them.... didn’t score 0 but didn’t score great.

so guess what I scored on intelligence! and personality scores mean I’m more prone to health problems and being unhappy.... :(

(here I woke up thinking I can be uniquely me, I don’t want to be like anyone else anyway, I can embrace that... but how can I when what I am is this pathetic)

I shouldn’t have done this, I know what these tests do, make me discouraged and hate myself more. they even said I’m not imaginative and creative-- things I value most besides intelligence (and intuition/empathy...)

they did say the “spy role” I was most suited for, which is what I’m most interested in, intelligence analyst. But in the more “practical” side, for jobs, it mentioned medical things, technical things, which I wouldn’t be good at and don’t like, business marketing-- working for a business I don’t care about, a job with no meaning.... it even had mathematician! when I’m obviously not good at math. the only jobs I might be interested in are psychologist/criminologist... idk.... to late for me to get any career anyway, let alone somehow what I really want

they did a risk assessment, where you blow up the balloon before it pops to get “money” - yesterday I started it and panicked when the balloon popped the first time and closed the window. then when I was walking the dogs it occured to me it was a test lol and I would just have to keep risking popping the balloon... so today I saw it as more of a game and not the ‘scary balloon popping oh no I lost money!” -not even real money. idk about fun.... all these things were stressful esp the intelligence test.

today I started the test, thinking it might help me, get insight into what I can do, instead, it discouraged me, I’m what I thought, mediocre and not suited for much, they only gave a “role” to me because they had to give me something. It said the intelligence analyst is inquisitive--when it just said I wasn’t - idk how this even fits with the test bc analytical? that wasn’t one of the dimensions and doesn’t seem like I scored high on implied analytical powers, same with determined--

how can i live with myself being like this, having no role and no future according to any dimension that really counts. don’t want to be plodding away at menial tasks when I want to do something Imaginative, Creative, Intellectual-- ha can’t even do that

oh I’m proving them right, easily stressed and sensitive and reactive --

I’m not including the risk assessment bc I don’t think it’s accurate-- I’m really very risk averse in all cases... oh we know that already so.

results (bold/parentheses is mine)

MENTAL HORSEPOWER

Unlike Alan Turing would, you scored moderately low {yay!:(} on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that, on the whole, you struggle with complex mathematical and analytical problems. {so how can I be an analyst?} That said, you can usually spot patterns and find links in data – as long as the information you have been given isn’t too abstract. (I like big picture things.... abstract things... apparently I’m not good at it)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with a moderately low Mental Horsepower score, you are more likely to ‘go with your gut’ when making decisions rather than to apply logic and reason (that’s true.... logic is mystifying. fits with being INFP-- logic is my weakest point). It is unlikely that you will sit down and win a game of chess, and you probably rely on your satnav rather than read a map yourself. (yep.... chess is too much strategy... I can’t see ahead like that .. hm how could I be an analyst)

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are not a very conceptual thinker, you are better in roles where you can do things ‘automatically’ rather than applying any abstract reasoning skills. You are not bad at visual-spatial or mathematical tests though, and with training and practice, your skills will definitely improve.

THE SCIENCE

Mental Horsepower relates to our general cognitive ability and our capacity to think about, reason with, and understand abstract concepts. It particularly links to analytical and mathematical skills, but also covers memory, comprehension, language, learning capacity and judgement. These are hugely significant skills for success at work and in everyday life.

Psychologists have developed all kinds of tests to measure cognitive ability. Some of these involve predicting outcomes from patterns in data (also known as inductive reasoning), while others focus on mentally flipping and rotating images. We use both of these approaches in our Mental Horsepower tests at SPYSCAPE.

Recent neuroimaging research shows that intelligence is linked to brain patterns, and that these patterns are unique to each of us (meaning you can’t change them :( )– much like our fingerprints. In one study, these brain ‘fingerprints’ were used to successfully predict people’s scores in IQ tests.

While IQ tests are probably the most common method for determining cognitive ability, there is some debate over whether they provide a complete picture. For example, theories suggest that there are many different types of intelligence which are not accounted for in these tests. Still, it is generally accepted that people who score highly on tests of cognitive ability are on the whole better at completing intelligence-related (so that career’s out... if it was ever in lol) tasks in the real world.

COMPOSURE

Unlike Jason Bourne, you scored extremely low (low on everything! what a wonderful person!) on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that you are far more vulnerable to stressors than most people (I knew that). You are likely to have a very strong emotional reaction to negative events and your brain becomes highly active when you see something you perceive as unpleasant (like this test!). Although this means you find it hard to relax, it also means you are really tuned in to your surroundings ( and what’s the upside of that? nice consolation prize....)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people with extremely low levels of composure, you are highly likely to experience anxiety and burnout. (with things that aren’t really stressful to anyone else. just stepping outside. just being inside-- doing thigns like this.. doing most things actually-- help how can i live) You can be far too critical of yourself (well how do i stop? if this is how I am like), especially when you are stressed (which is almost all the time), and this can make it tricky for you to overcome problems (which is never, which is why I’m still living w my parents). You also dwell on the past far more than people with high composure.

On the positive side, you are responsive to your environment, which means you are more likely to anticipate negative outcomes and find ways to avoid them (like almost everything). You are also sensitive and caring, and your observant nature means you look out for yourself and the people close to you. (what’s the point of that when you can’t do anything, or get to know new people)

IN YOUR WORK

It is unlikely your colleagues will turn to you when there is an emergency or crisis at work. This is because you struggle to keep your emotions in check, and challenging situations can get the better of you. When this happens, you are not great at maintaining focus or making tough decisions.

THE SCIENCE

Composure relates to how our brains respond to stress. In tense situations, your brain activates an area called the hypothalamus, which releases adrenalin and cortisol – also known as stress hormones.

A bit of stress now and then is important for survival, because it alerts us to the dangers around us. Small amounts can be useful, but too much over a long period of time is bad for our health (oh goody). Studies show that the adrenal cortex, the part of the brain that releases stress hormones, is also linked to the healthy function of our immune system – and people who are more prone to stress are also more likely to get sick.

There is also a connection between composure and working (short-term) memory. Composed people perform better on tasks where they need to recall and use relevant information while they’re doing something else – for example remembering the steps of a recipe when cooking a meal.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN COMPOSURE ARE

LAID-BACK

RELAXED

COOL

FOCUSED

POISED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN COMPOSURE ARE

EMOTIONAL

SENSITIVE

PERCEPTIVE

RESPONSIVE

VIGILANT

Contentiousness

Unlike diligent Mission: Impossible hero Isla Faust, you scored moderately low on this attribute. The result, driven by your performance in the personality tests, suggests that unlike Isla, you find it difficult to keep focused on long-term goals {Idk about this. goals are all i focus on.... well. I think about them often but Idk how to create the steps to get there and so things fizzle out and I get-- discouraged what else is new). You get distracted or bored quite quickly and are often drawn to new ideas and projects instead of finishing what you are currently doing (well.... hm. I finish novels...). You understand what is important in life, but you sometimes skip the details. (I’m not a detail person... I can be but they often seem irrelevant)

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Because you prefer not to a follow a schedule, hobbies that require regular training are not for you. In fact, your interests change quite regularly, and you find long-term commitment a challenge whatever the activity. Friends and family know that if they want you to do something, they need to encourage you to get organized. When they press you, however, you do things pretty well.

IN YOUR WORK

You take a relatively flexible approach to work. As such, you get distracted easily and do not always complete the task in hand. Because of your tendency to do this, you are likely to change jobs – and perhaps even career – fairly regularly (I want variety... Idk, this sort of fits, sort of doesn’t).

THE SCIENCE

Conscientiousness shapes how likely you are to follow rules, regulate your own behavior and get yourself organized. The more conscientious you are, the more motivated by goals and tasks you are likely to be.

According to what psychologists call the ‘Big-5’ model, conscientiousness is a core dimension of personality – and one of the five key traits that drive human behavior. Whether you are high or low in conscientiousness can help predict your success in social, academic and professional situations.

If you have high levels of conscientiousness, you are probably more productive and better at adapting to new situations (that’s true, I’m not) that come your way. However, this does not mean that being conscientious is always a good thing, because research also shows that being too conscientious can lead to overthinking. (I do that too...)

Some studies suggest that people who are more conscientious are healthier – and they might even live longer. This might be because conscientious people are more likely to exercise regularly, eat healthily, and avoid smoking or drinking too much alcohol.

It’s hard to say where conscientiousness comes from. One study found a link with areas of the brain relating to attention and cognitive control. There is also evidence to suggest that genes play their part. It’s likely that social factors such as your upbringing influence how conscientious you are, too.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

HIGH-ACHIEVING

ACCOUNTABLE

THOROUGH

DRIVEN

SELF-DISCIPLINED

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN CONSCIENTIOUSNESS ARE

IMPULSIVE

FLEXIBLE

EASY-GOING

SPONTANEOUS

ADAPTABLE

(I think I’m sort of this, sort of not because I’m borderline INFP -- P is flexible, impulsive while J is more structured-- I’m slightly more Perceiving. goes to show Myers-Briggs is pretty good at describing personality accurately....)

INQUISITIVENESS

Unlike Carrie Mathison in Homeland, you scored moderately low on this attribute. Your score was driven by your performance in the personality tests, and it suggests that you are pretty cautious about new ideas, beliefs, cultures and theories.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like other people who scored moderately low on this attribute, you are not so willing to take on board other people’s views (that’s true). You will consider what people have to say, but you are likely to stick with your own opinion. You feel more comfortable in familiar situations and surroundings (well, yes...), and you do not really feel the need to explore new places (I kind of do, though... I want to but I often... don’t. because it’s too hard).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you aren’t motivated to learn or acquire new skills (Idk about this... depends on if it’s something I’m interested in. I’m learning like 15 languages on Duolingo...), you are less likely to seek out new opportunities at work. And the longer you stay in a job, the worse your motivation is likely to get. In general, you tend to perform better when you start a new position, although you will carry this out using the same approach you always have, rather than approach it in a new way. You like real-world, practical work that has straightforward solutions.

THE SCIENCE

Inquisitiveness is an important trait for discovering new things and building a better understanding of people and of the world around us. Psychologists have developed tools for assessing and measuring how inquisitive a person is.

These are based on extensive research into personality and are designed to evaluate five facets related to inquisitiveness: (i) intellectual curiosity; (ii) aesthetic sensitivity; (iii) active imagination; (iv) attentiveness to inner feelings and; (v) preference for variety.

Furthermore, personality researchers have identified two types of inquisitiveness; ‘epistemic’, which refers to information seeking ( I think I’m more information seeking?) behaviour and ‘perceptual’, which refers to experience seeking.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

CURIOUS

OPEN-MINDED

IMAGINATIVE AND INVENTIVE

CREATIVE

ADAPTIVE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN INQUISITIVENESS ARE

PRACTICAL

CONSISTENT

TRADITIONAL

HABITUAL

PRAGMATIC

SOCIABILITY

A bit like Alec Leamas in The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, you scored extremely low (yay. well I knew this... and from answering the questions... )on this attribute, which suggests that you prefer to spend time alone and keep yourself to yourself. You avoid parties, meet-ups and other noisy gatherings because you find them overwhelming (wayyyy). If you really have to socialize, you need plenty of quiet time afterwards to help you rest and recharge.

IN YOUR DAILY LIFE

Like others with an extremely low sociability score, you don’t like being the center of attention and often struggle to start conversations. You think a lot before speaking and regularly find it hard to express your thoughts and ideas. Because of this, you often let others do the talking, and you don’t take part in small talk either. This behavior means you might come across as socially reactive, and people may think you only talk to them when you feel you really have to (as in, extremely negative, and I shouldn’t exist. although... i do talk to them if I have to.... haha I do take part in small talk because I think I have to. or people will think I’m rude. but I don’t like it. I’m sensitive to how I’m perceived and don’t want to be seen as too antisocial, but I talk to others out of fear not of want... yikes. no wonder no one wants to be around me. well I don't want to be around them. well - I want to be around people I know well. for limited amounts of time... need less to recharge from people I know than strangers. I want to be with them, I don’t want to be with strangers-- it’s only stress and not fun at all. but how do i get past the stranger part to the friend part if I don’t like being with strangers and it’s all stressful adn overwhelming? How do i participate in society, have people to talk to, have any sort of success??? - shouldn't exist.).

IN YOUR WORK

Because you are more comfortable working independently (please. HOW???? besides working for myself... haha can’t work for anyone else bc can’t get past the interview, these ^ traits are obvious and not something any employer in their right mind wants), you will be more productive – and much happier – managing your own workload, tackling problems alone, and avoiding company brainstorms and powwows.

THE SCIENCE

How sociable you are can be linked to your levels of happiness, positivity, and wellbeing. In fact, sociability relates to a variety of positive outcomes in life, including how successful you are at work, how well you cope with challenging situations, and even how physically and mentally healthy you are. (yay. I’m doomed. I might as well kill myself now)

People who are highly sociable are more positive emotionally (case in point!) than those who are less sociable. In one brain imaging study, people with a high sociability score had higher levels of brain activity when they saw images of happy faces and other positive emotions.

The same part of the brain that processes emotions also helps interpret information from social contexts, which means we can judge a social situation and then respond appropriately (social situations, like math problems and logic, are mystifying to me. yay the things that are highest linked to success--).

There is some evidence to suggest that highly sociable people might be better at detecting and decoding the meaning of social cues – including how they analyze and read people’s faces (oh, I know that. I have a hard time judging people’s faces, in fact I often think they are mad at me or judging me by their faces when they probably aren’t. I even have trouble finding out what emotions go with what emoji! besides the basics. i mean why, how are there so many emojis....). This means they are likely to find social interaction easier to deal with than others (lol yes. it’s . not easy. why. do i have to be born like this. always been. hell..).

There is also research to suggest that highly sociable people have more connections between regions of the brain that involve visual stimulus and regions that process social and emotional stimuli. (brains are better, we get it)

Sociability might also be associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is linked to reward-seeking behavior. It is thought that people who are highly sociable may have an enhanced response to dopamine in the brain, which makes them pursue rewards such as attention, status, power or pleasure. This would explain why, when they get these things, they feel happier or more satisfied.

PEOPLE SCORING HIGH IN SOCIABILITY ARE

TALKATIVE

FRIENDLY

ENTHUSIASTIC

ENERGETIC

EXCITABLE

PEOPLE SCORING LOW IN SOCIABILITY ARE

QUIET

RESERVED

INTROSPECTIVE

PRIVATE

SHY

^ ALLL negative attributes, I need to just kill myself now, no future.

#spies #personality test #spychology #help #job #life #negative #discouraged #again #pretty much everything discourages me #except when i'm distracted #insurmountable life #why #how can i possible live

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michaelsheenpt · 4 years ago

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Michael Sheen reveals the real-life serial killers who inspired his performance in Prodigal Son

Michael Sheen stars as serial killer Dr Martin Whitly in Sky’s new US import Prodigal Son – and if his character seems unnervingly realistic, that could be because the actor studied several real-life serial killers to get the performance just right.

In Sky One and NOW TV‘s Prodigal Son, Dr Whitly – also known as “The Surgeon” – has been behind bars for more than a decade. But before his crimes were discovered, he was a loving father-of-two, a highly-respected thoracic surgeon, and a pillar of the local community.

The role is an interesting one for Good Omens star Sheen, who in 2016 announced his directorial debut with a movie about the Green River Killer (in which he also planned to star). The project, still in development, would tell the story of Gary Ridgway – a US serial killer who pled guilty to 48 murders during the 1980s and 90s.

“Even though that’s a very different case and a very different serial killer, character, to my character in it, just being in that world and spending so much time working on that project gave me a lot of help when I came to work on this,” Sheen told RadioTimes.com and other press.

“But I also looked at Harold Shipman – my character in this is a very well-respected surgeon, so the idea of a doctor who was very loved and respected by people and who took advantage of that and was killing them, I looked at that.”

British doctor Harold Shipman was convicted in 2000 of murdering 15 patients under his care, but the true total was likely closer to 250 people. He is believed to be the most prolific serial killer in modern history, and operated undetected for years.

Sheen then also drew inspiration from Ted Bundy, an American serial killer who kidnapped, raped and murdered at least 30 girls and young women.

“Ted Bundy, who people found very charming and likeable… his biggest weapon is that he’s funny, and that people like him and warm to him and enjoy his company,” the actor said.

“And he has cultivated that because he wants people to let their defences down and if he can make you laugh, he knows he can manipulate you. He knows it’s working, and if he can get you to drop your defences he knows he can kill you a lot easier. Makes it a lot easier for him if he seduces you in that way. So he sort of developed that ability, and I thought Bundy was sort of interesting in that respect.”

In Prodigal Son, Dr Martin Whitly has a grown-up son called Malcolm Bright – played by Tom Payne – who is the show’s protagonist.

Having had his childhood torn apart by the discovery of his father’s sadistic crimes, Malcolm now works as a criminal psychologist specialising in serial killer profiling. But all these years later, he still suffers from night terrors and psychological trauma; and when people find out about his father they look at him differently.

Payne, who previously starred in The Walking Dead, spent some time getting into Malcolm’s head.

“There was a podcast which I found which was absolutely specific and relevant to the show, called Happy Face,” he revealed. “It’s this girl who is the daughter of the Happy Face Killer, in America and she travelled around meeting relatives of victims of her father, and spoke a lot about how it made her feel, and it was exactly what my character would have gone through.

“So I listened to all of that and it was really hard to listen to, and just the deep deep pain felt by her and all of the doubts that you have about yourself and whether you, any of your relative within you. It all speaks to Malcolm and, was there a trigger for his father? Was it inherent to his character? And all of these things.

“And then it also helped me to understand how the outside world views you through the lens of what your father did before you were even cognisant of being in the world, your relative has been doing all of these awful things, and then that immediately reflects upon you and people cannot help but see you as the spawn of this monster.

“So that really helped me and put me in the position of understanding it quite exactly all of the pressures that are on my character and why he changed his name and moved away in order to get some distance.”

As for why we’re fascinated with shows about serial killers, Sheen has a few theories.

“It’s probably a good idea for sheep to take an interest in wolves, because they literally prey on us – so serial killers are our predators, one of our predators,” he explains. “We’re interested in sharks, aren’t we, and we’re interested in anything that can kill us and there’s probably a good reason for that.

“Back in the day we went round campfires and told stories about wolves in the forests, because there were wolves in the forest. But they also take on a kind of bogeyman element and become a sort of folklore. So I think there’s a lot of different things going on in our being drawn to serial killers.”

And one final thought: “I think we also like to think of the dark, of a monster being there – we know that the monster is in here,” he says, patting his chest. “We know that it’s us. As well as it being the other, it’s also us as well and that is a way to engage with the darkness in us, by making it outside of ourselves.”

Prodigal Son begins on Tuesday 28th July 2020 at 9pm on Sky One and NOW TV. If you’re looking for more to watch, check out our TV Guide.

source

#michael sheen #prodigal son

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acedesigns · 4 years ago

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Clandestine [Death Note: L/Reader]

Word Count: 1374

A/N: Please let me know what you think and if you would like this to be continued!

No one really knew what their real name was. It was the username that they used in all of their podcasts. They were crime podcasts, looking to solve crimes that had gone cold for years – if not decades. It renewed the public’s interest in crimes that were shoved to the side.

People speculated that the person was a detective. After all, they uncovered clues to a couple of cases that led to arrests. Then, there was the fact that they seemed to have an understanding on how crimes worked. It could be that they were actually a forensic psychologist. Some people claimed that this person could even be L, but that was unfounded and not true.

The only name that people could agree on was their username. Clandestine.

“Now, it seems we are in today’s top mystery. Kira.” A voice sounded through his speakers. The voice was altered to the point where the listener couldn’t discern the gender of the speaker. It was not unlike the filter he used to mask his voice. “Before I start, wear your damn masks. It’s illegal in many places to not wear them. Also, if you wear a mask, Kira can’t kill you.”

The person paused. “Though it hasn’t been confirmed by investigators, I believe that Kira needs a name and face in order to kill. Those that haven’t had either their name or face posted haven’t been killed. This is true for people whose names have been misspelled or the wrong photo has been attached to the criminal. So both must be correct.” The man listening to the podcast chewed on his lip and shuffled in his chair. One foot scratched the other. “Which also means we’re not dealing with some sort of all-knowing deity. I do believe that we are dealing with a human that was given some remarkable power, but not enough power to eliminate body functions or demands from day-to-day life. The person still needs to sleep and has a life outside of being Kira. Kira is not a god like some of you claim.”

“Watari,” the listener spoke into a secure connection he held with the older man. “Please look into the podcast series by Clandestine. I want to know who they are and if they could fit Kira’s profile. They know more than what the police have even realized.” He left out that he had already deduced such.

“Right away,” Watari’s voice sounded back.

“Now, based on the times of the killings, I would say that Kira is either an individual that works nine to five or is a student. Though, given that he is trying to go after crime and is simply killing criminals and not the root cause of crime, he has a long way to mature. Ergo, he’s most likely a student. Probably around high school. Any younger and he’d probably kill those torturing him, like some bullies or a teacher. Any older and he’d probably kill competition in his business or romantic lives.”

The man listening to the podcast nodded along in agreement. He was actually surprised to hear a podcast make these claims – even more so if this person weren’t a trained professional. True, most of the data on the Kira killings was public. But most citizens wouldn’t take the time to comb through the data, much less would be able to correctly make these assumptions.

“I also say he for Kira, because…Let’s be real, statistically, most known serial killers are men. And that’s what Kira is. A serial killer.” The speaker cleared their throat. “I’m just glad that no one knows who I am or what I look like. I don’t think it’ll be long before Kira is fine doing away with innocent people.”

“Yes, but it also won’t be long before I know who you are,” the listener replied to the recording. He took a sip of his overly sweet cup of coffee. “Both you and Kira.”

“Anyways,” the speaker sighed and then inhaled. “You could be asking; well the time is different depending on where you are in the world. So it could be someone that works at night. Which that’s not a wrong assumption. However, most of the killings are centered around Japan. Have you tried finding news from different countries? Much less navigate between languages? It’s difficult. That’s why the only criminals to have really died in other countries have made international news or are on INTERPOL’s most wanted list. Besides those top profile criminals, the majority have all been in Japan.”

The listener picked up an empty container of what used to hold an empty container of coffee creamer.

“So what do we know? Kira needs a name and face in order to somehow kill someone.”

He put the creamer down on the desk in front of him and picked up another.

“Kira is most likely a student.”

The second container rested itself on first.

“Kira is most likely male.”

Then there was a third.

“And Kira is somewhere in Japan.”

There was a fourth stacked. The listener glanced over to see that the rest of the containers had fallen onto the ground besides his desk. He frowned as his stacking was interrupted.

“So what are the next steps for the Kira investigation?” the podcast host questioned. The listener turned back towards the computer, questioning exactly what this person would say. “First, narrow down exactly were in Japan. Perhaps region by region through a sort of trap. Given social media, this could prove difficult. So it’d be best to get it right on the first try.”

“Yes, or we could simply black out anything that has to do with Kira during these tests,” the listener responded. “Besides, our trap is already planned. And if I am correct, we should get it right on the first try.”

In fact, the man had already laid out traps that was helping to deduce exactly where Kira was, down to the city. Criminals had their names posted under different names depending on the location of the user’s IP address. If a criminal died, then whichever region that had the correct spelling of their name pointed to where Kira was residing. It wasn’t perfect, but it was working. Unfortunately, what he was doing wasn’t enough proof for the police. He’d need the smoking gun.

“Next, would be to identify a list of plausible suspects. Of course, if the region is large, say in Tokyo, that would be extremely difficult. You’d have to further identify key characteristics for Kira’s psyche and hope he would mess up. If that were to happen, then you’d most likely trail the suspects to see if they have any suspicious behaviors. Of course, the ultimate goal would be to find the murder weapon. It wouldn’t be a traditional weapon. No one has the ability to teleport around the world and give criminals heart attacks within seconds of one another. There’s no doubt something beyond the understanding of modern science is in play.”

“That’s a good way to phrase it, that the supernatural is here, but we’re detectives and can’t just state that,” the listener mused to himself. Growing more and more curious over who exactly this person could be. Perhaps they were Kira themselves? No, they didn’t match the profile he had already set up for Kira in his head.

The man opened files he received from INTERPOL for criminals that were on death role. Perhaps he’d give this person some more information on Kira’s case. See what they would have to say about it. Then again, he’d hope that the person would give away too much in case Kira was listening. He couldn’t have Kira’s behavior change too much if he wanted to gather any evidence.

“L,” Watari’s voice suddenly sounded. “I have identified a possible individual responsible that would be linked to the podcast. I am sending you over the files now.”

“For now, I’ll keep a watch over the case. When updates are available, I’ll try to share them with you. And remember, wear your damn mask.”

L opened a file on Clandestine just as the podcast ended. An image linked to an actual name appeared. He chewed on his thumb as he read over the profile. “Hello, [Y/N].”

#Death Note #L #Reader Insert #Possibly continue #Modern!Death Note #Also like L will live 'cause I ain't gonna make it sad like that

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chittsu · 5 years ago

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college!au with Johnny

haro evlyone!

Here’s my another attempt of writing that I believe you’ll enjoy. I won’t annoy you with a long introduction, just - alexa, play ‘radio romance’ by NCT

strangers to friends to kinda lovers to strangers to friends to lovers; that was complicated but you have to read it to see; bulleted scenario; fluff; slight angst?; pretty funny if you ask me; 6,7kthey just keep getting longer

summary: Johnny desperately needs someone to host a love-related podcast with him on the campus radio; and by accident, you start working with him - you, the only person that can resist his charm… but for how long?

enjoy! :)

Night Night is everyone’s favourite campus radio show broadcasted every Tuesday and Thursday evening

people love it because it touches many everyday problems of college students and-… stop

who are we kidding

people love it because of Johnny and Jaehyun - the DJs that are officially considered the ultimate boyfriend materials

every person currently failing with finding love on campus turns on the radio just to listen to their voices and feel a little less lonely

ever since Jaehyun successfully saved Taeil’s relationship through Night Night, people started sending a lot of love-related requests; Johnny made a drastic decision to create a new show called Lovey-Dovey dealing with those concerns

the problem was that none of them felt intelligent enough to talk about that stuff

and Johnny was worried about it; honestly, it’s not that difficult for a boy to offend girls’ feelings without even knowing - but while giving them love advice, the probability is skyrocketing

he met you for the first time on a party

well, technically it wasn’t the first time you two met - Johnny was frequently asked to be a DJ at parties and your closest friends Ten and Yuta were party animals, so you followed them often

he remembers going to the bathroom when he heard your conversation with a drunk girl that you didn’t even know

you were drunk too and alcohol turns you into a psychologist? suddenly, everyone tells you about their problems and you just solve it for free

the amount of money you could earn from that… girl, you’re either stupid or your heart is too big

Johnny just stops right behind you when you tell the girl to stop depending on this asshole so much because every man is trash and they’re just not worth it

and he’s like… ummm false alarm

but you manage to make this girl smile and calm down; she’s not sobbing anymore so you finally understand what the problem is and you form your opinion on it seriously this time

and Johnny’s like… that’s what I need

but he also needs to go to the bathroom like NOW

and when he’s DJing later, he constantly looks for you in the crowd; well, it’s a little hard since he only saw you from behind and he’s getting worried that he lost his chance

he spots the girl that you were talking to though, so he thinks that’s good enough

he stops her later and almost earns a beating from her boyfriend that seems to be extremely jealous - and all that for nothing, because the girl claims she doesn’t know you

‘but she had a blue bracelet with a star, like a friendship one if that helps’

‘oh, I know exactly who that is now, thanks’

she doesn’t understand the irony in this and goes away genuinely thinking she helped while Johnny comes back to his apartment shared with Mark and Jaehyun feeling very disappointed

he even develops some kind of obsession? he stops people randomly and asks if they attended Taeyong’s party and that’s so embarrassing for Jaehyun

‘Ten! don’t you know like, everyone here?’

Jaehyun looks at Johnny unamused for the 52nd time this week

but Ten’s eyes are already sparkling; where’s drama there’s Ten, especially when Johnny’s involved

‘oooh who are we looking for?’

‘Johnny is looking for some girl that he fell in love at first sight at the party but he only saw her back so I don’t know how that happened’

'Suh! she must have had a REALLY pretty nape, huh?’

and the clowning continues for the next two weeks

in the meantime, Jaehyun manages to indirectly tell one of the listeners that she’s stupid if she thinks this one boy likes her and that’s exactly why Johnny needs to find you

and then, Yuta throws a party

it’s not the best time for you to have fun - you’re stressed about life, you have essays to write and exams to pass and on top of that, your older sister is getting married in a week

so instead of dancing or witnessing Ten’s stupidity, you chill in Yuta’s kitchen while sipping wine; the music is muted here and the alcohol is slowly getting to your head

that’s when the almighty Johnny Suh enters the kitchen

well, that sounded like you don’t like him

you’re probably the only person that feels neutral about him because everyone else adores him regardless of gender, age or opinions on politics

he walks in confidently and gives you a small smile out of courtesy and you nod slightly, not really looking at him

he starts looking around for something to drink before his eyes land on the bottle of wine in your hand

'someone’s been through a rough day, huh?’

you force a smile

'nooo, where did you get that idea, life is amazing, my grades are fantastic, I’m on time with everything especially the essay due to tomorrow oh, and I definitely have someone to take to a wedding this weekend, and how are you?’

he smiles at your rant and he opens his arms saying

'just tell me when and where and I’ll be waiting for you in my best suit’

he’s drunk isn’t he

'i don’t know why but I want you to help me with the essay more’

and he gasps dramatically and puts his hand on his chest and looks at you with big eyes

'are you embarrassed to show me to your family? do you think I’m not good enough to be your partner?’

'let’s just forget this conversation’

your straight face makes you unapproachable now, so he shrugs and continues looking for something to drink and get drunk even more

and he opens every counter possible and he makes so much noise that you just close your eyes and breathe slowly to calm down

before aggressively grabbing a cup and pouring your wine in it

'here’

you give it to him and he looks at you for a few seconds and squints his eyes suspiciously

'is it poisonous’

'drink and see’

'okay’

he takes the cup from your hand, but his eyes land on your bracelet; blue braided bracelet with a star

it’s crazy but… maybe?

'hey…’

'it’s not poisonous just drink, God’

'first of all, my name is Johnny. second of all, is it possible I saw you at Taeyong’s party two weeks ago?’

'depends on your eyesight but I was there if that’s what you want to know. why?’

'were you talking to a girl on the stairs?’

’… don’t tell me you’re her psycho boyfriend’

'I’m not but he nearly punched me so I guess you could say we’re friends’

'interesting criteria’

'do you like Night Night?’

you snort and lean back on the counter, showing your side profile to him

'is that your best pick up line?’

'I’m not flirting now…… unless you want me to’

he then manages to WINK at you and you hate it

'what do you want from me exactly because I’m very confused since the moment you spoke to me’

'I want you to host Lovey-Dovey with me’

and you look at him for a while, blinking a few times; he looks back at you and it suddenly turns into some weird staring contest but you don’t even know the rules

'are you ghosting me but like, in real life?’

'is it working?’

'not exactly. so? what do you say? me and Jaehyun are too dumb and everyone’s talking about love, losers if you ask me, and we need someone to help’

you’re not thinking clearly and you forget to use sarcasm while saying

'so I’ll be able to tell people what to do? that’s my dream, I’m in’

and after that, you both observe a couple that stumbles into the kitchen while making out and it’s extremely awkward since you and Johnny didn’t even notice how close you’re standing to each other so you clear your throat, take your bottle of wine and evacuate

'Johnny, hi. y/n, remind me to never get a girlfriend. this one couple started fighting and it’s so annoying, jeez’

the both of you look at Ten that catches you right when you exit the kitchen; you look at the couple again before saying

'they didn’t exactly look like they were fighting, also there’s no a girl stupid enough to date you, Nine’

'you know each other?’ Johnny is drunk and confused

Ten raises his eyebrows with a smug face before grabbing your wrist to show off your friendship bracelets

'are you asking me if I know my best friend? weren’t you the one to tell me I know everyone?’

'Eight, you’re embarrassing me’ you roll your eyes before snatching your hand away from him

'call me Ten or I’ll tell Yuta you hate our friendship bracelets’

'he knows I hate them, Seven’

'JOHNNY let’s get a drink or I’ll go to jail today for murder’

and before he knows it, Johnny is following Ten and he never sees you again for the rest of the party - may be because you fell asleep in Yuta’s wardrobe

you’re VERY surprised when Johnny finds you on Monday standing next to your lecture hall

so are all students in your major because since when do you know the almighty Johnny Seo?

he rests his arm against the wall next to you and smiles at you cutely; I mean, that’s what he thinks

'you didn’t even tell me at what time the wedding starts and I realized I would look terrible in your mother’s eyes if we were late’

and you raise your eyebrow

'you actually remember that we talked? I’m impressed, I thought you are the type to get amnesia after drinking’

'of course I remember, especially the part where you said you want to host a radio show with me’

'I was drunk, don’t use words I said against me’

'what? hey, it’s a matter of honour, you can’t take back what you promised’

'I’m friends with Ten, we even wear those stupid friendship bracelets - do you think I know what honour is’

you expect another remark from him, but he bites the inside of his cheek and looks at you with furrowed eyebrows; it was indeed stupid of him to think you’d agree to that right away

'what about visiting me and Jaehyun at the studio tomorrow? just to see how it really looks like before you reject the offer. what do you say?’

'are you actually serious about this? you don’t even know me’

'well, I hope I’ll get to know you along the way’ he winks and titles his head to one side, his long hair falling on his face softly

and when you see some girls whispering to each other while looking at you two, you really don’t want them to get the wrong idea so you say to them

'he’s not actually flirting with me’

that earns a laugh from Johnny but suddenly he stands straight and looks at you with big eyes

'oh, and how do you know?’

'can you just leave please’

'wow, you really don’t want to be associated with me! I knew that was the reason why you didn’t want me to be your wedding date!’ he continues dramatically and you just shut your eyes

and those girls whisper more eagerly now

'AGAIN he’s not serious now’

Johnny laughs at suddenly he finds himself wanting to ruffle your hair? well, that’s a normal gesture between him and his friends

and then it’s the time for your lecture to start and you’re so thankful for that, so you go in but you hear him for the last time

'tomorrow at 7 pm, don’t be late!!’

you have no plans to go there at all and surprisingly, Johnny knows that

so he uses his secret weapon - Ten; he tells him that he actually looked for you all this time and again, Ten clowns it for him because why would anyone purposefully want to interact with you

anyways, Johnny complains about the situation for a while and since Ten has a soft spot for him, he blackmails you into visiting Night Night’s studio

Johnny seems focused on work so he’s not even annoying you today; Jaehyun is very nice towards you, probably because he thinks you’ll save him from losing more boyfriend points

and you find yourself fascinated by how the radio works? I mean, it seems like a fun and memorable experience and since you always felt like you were missing a hobby, that seems like an opportunity

you start to understand why the boys need you with them when they start answering love-related questions and you cringe hard

when they ask you again if you want to host the radio show, you pretend to be hesitant about that and that gains you a free coffee at every broadcast

and you officially become DJ Blue - you tell them that you want to stay anonymous because people can be strange sometimes, especially when you tell them what to do and that’s a big responsibility

and you host Lovey-Dovey with Johnny every Monday

you make lots of mistakes at first; you actually have to learn a few things

your biggest fail was when you forgot to turn off your mic and started ranting about that one professor you hate with Kokobop playing in the background; Johnny had a blast while you were so stressed that someone might recognize you and snitch on you

but listeners are satisfied with the new addition; they like the way you form your opinion and how you always try to be fair and honest

Johnny shows you listeners’ comments saying that they’re thankful for your advice and that it worked or you were right

and you see a comment saying 'wow I wish I knew who you are because you seem like the perfect girl’

and you look at the nickname and your smile fades face because it’s the guy that’s been playing you for months before saying that you’re not someone he wants to date

Johnny stops scrolling and asks you what’s wrong but you wave your hand at him

'you’re not experienced enough to help with my love life yet’

Johnny has to admit you’re a hard nut to crack; you don’t share too much about yourself and when you do, it’s all sarcastic and he’s not even sure what’s real and what’s not

your relationship for the first few weeks is based on bickering and him flirting with you jokingly and you rejecting him in every way possible; listeners LOVE your conversations - when you have to host Lovey-Dovey with Jaehyun, everyone immediately asks for Johnny to come back

it takes Johnny a few months before he gets you to open up finally; well, honestly it takes him 3 bottles of alcohol to do that

because one time, you’re both tired of studying and living in general and Johnny offers you alcohol

and you think he’s crazy, you’re about to start the show

but how can you say no?

and yes, that’s your most popular broadcast; you don’t even remember it but you know you two were crying from laughter while talking about a mysterious hat and you aggressively danced to My Chemical Romance and you even started some role-playing about bread but that’s when Jaehyun came in running to the studio and turned all the mics off

he ended the broadcast while you and Johnny started hitting each other in the corner pretending to be karate kids

that was…. wild

and you got into so much trouble because of that

and you were so afraid to face Johnny the next morning but you just burst out laughing when you saw each other

but then you quickly shut up because it was too loud and your heads were POUNDING

also, you were clowned AGAIN by all of your friends for that little rebellion

anyways, Johnny feels a sense of accomplishment because now you smile at him and it’s not forced

he never told you this but he wanted to become friends with you ever since you answered a question that really hit home for him; he was going through something similar to a break-up and you were the one to ease his pain without even knowing

well, you also start to understand why everyone likes him so much - he’s such a chill guy, ready to help anytime and he’s actually very funny

you’re impressed with his photography skills; you knew he was a film student and that kinda fits together, but when he’s taking photos his aura is so different than usual

he started walking you home after the broadcast some time ago and sometimes he randomly takes pictures of you; and because you’re awkward with this kind of things, you make ridiculous poses and then you two look through the photos in front of your apartment while wheezing and waking up your neighbours

it’s nice sharing new music with each other because you have similar taste

and he’s so random with his plans and hangouts

he just comes to you and says 'oh by the way i booked us a flying yoga class on Friday so get your yoga pants ready ’

and that’s kinda smart because he knows you like to excuse yourself out of many things and if he has already booked or paid for something - you have no choice but to go

also, eventually you all hang out together - and by that I mean you, Johnny, Yuta, Ten, Jaehyun, Mark and sometimes more

Yuta teases you a lot about your friendship with Johnny - he says it’s amazing that you don’t notice how he looks at you

and indeed, you failed to see that

'this is Lovey-Dovey, your favourite radio show. hello to new listeners that joined us. I’m DJ Johnny and we seem to have a little emergency here because DJ Blue fell asleep. I don’t know how she managed to do that while listening to EXO’s Monster but yeah, that’s why I’m whispering now’

Johnny smiles, his lips lightly touching the microphone; he starts looking through questions sent by listeners

'so let’s quietly answer another question now. someone called Iced Latte asks how to confess to your friend. great question. I wish DJ Blue was awake, sorry that you’re stuck with me’

'I think that honesty is the key? you don’t need roses or gifts or romantic setting… you just look at the person you like-’ his eyes find your sleeping figure ’-and you feel that this is the perfect moment, that you’re sure that whatever’s going on in your heart is real. you definitely should be honest with this person and with yourself’

he falls silent for a moment; it’s funny how he doesn’t listen to his own advice

you wake up after his ending ment and you’re very confused

'did I seriously just fall asleep’

'yeah, amazing how you slept so long with that pencil digging into your cheek’

'you should have woken me up’

'i couldn’t, you’re actually pretty cute when you don’t talk’

you scoff while rolling your eyes and you throw the pencil that caused you discomfort at Johnny earning a laugh from him

you both get up and start cleaning up the place a little bit as you usually do

Johnny stops organizing the papers on the table and looks at you

'hey, remember that one drunken podcast we did?’

you automatically smile at him and turn around to face him

'why? do you want to do it again?’

'actually..’

he smiles and his hand travels under the table

'don’t tell me…’

'no, I don’t hide alcohol here but I wanted to see your excitement’

'you shouldn’t make fun of people dealing with addiction’

Johnny shows you his cute smile; he straightens up and comes closer to you, suddenly standing right in front of you

'that podcast… it was very special for me, you know? I had such a blast that I didn’t want that evening to end. at first I thought it was because of the alcohol, but then I realized that it’s always this fun when I’m with you’

you can feel your body tensing; you can sense that he’s serious and you don’t like where it might be going

he looks into your eyes and his eyebrows furrow; you turn your attention to his lips when they seem to get closer to you

you feel his soft lips on yours and sudden warmth overtakes your whole body; you melt into the kiss when his fingers run through your hair

he pulls away from you and his eyes are glistening with hope

but you can’t bring yourself to say anything; your mind is completely blank and you just really don’t want to make a mistake

Johnny takes a step back, his face falls for a moment but he smiles soon after

'I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put you into a situation like this’

'Johnny…’

'it’s okay y/n. it’s fine’

and you really want to say more but oh God, why is it so difficult?

you observe Johnny gathering his things in silence and you follow his actions; he still offers to walk you home but you decline and he just nods silently

you’re not able to sleep that night

you start analyzing everything he said to you, every action and wondered how could you miss the signs that he might like you; Yuta was right and you’re ashamed to admit that

the worst thing about it is that you have no idea if you feel the same; well, technically you rejected him today so is it even important now?

you know that you enjoy spending time with him, that he’s a good friend and that he became a big part of your life

and that terrifies you because, what will happen now? how will the two of you act around each other?

you stay with your thoughts alone, not sharing them with your friends which is a problem

because, the next day, you see Johnny and Jaehyun ordering their drinks while you and Yuta are already drinking your coffees at the table in your favourite coffee shop

he calls them even though you hush him

and you catch Johnny’s gaze when he’s approaching your table; a shiver goes down your spine and something in your stomach starts shifting dangerously

but he says hi and tells you that he has to go now, taking Jaehyun with him

Yuta squints his eyes when he looks at you; you keep your best poker face but then he points his finger at you, then at the door, then at you again

'something’s not right’

'everything’s fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about’

'DID HE DO IT’

you look at him with big eyes, feeling exposed

'you’re literally so dumb, I was constantly hinting that he likes you and you didn’t believe me. and now, I’m assuming you rejected him so that makes you twice as dumb’

'I’m leaving’

you even grab your bag but Yuta stares at you through his long bangs before speaking up seriously

'you don’t like him?’

'I don’t know, okay? I was sure that I’m safe with him, I mean… I was sure that there’s nothing going on between us so I blocked the thought of liking him from my brain’

'so if he likes you, it’s not safe anymore?’

and you stop for a moment because that’s a brilliant question that you don’t know an answer for

talking with Yuta calms you down; he doesn’t give you direct advice but he asks you questions that are worth thinking about

and Ten is pissed when he finds out that you told Yuta about this situation before him; but after that, he starts comforting you by saying that you can be sure that Johnny won’t make it uncomfortable

and he’s right, but Johnny needs time

for a week, you don’t even talk to each other; yes, you meet on the corridors or at random places but besides saying hi and sharing a few awkward looks, that’s all

you are informed on Sunday that Jaehyun will host Lovey-Dovey with you tomorrow and that’s when you think that you messed everything up

and Jaehyun is really bad at giving love advice, so your podcast is basically you disagreeing with each other for 3 hours straight; the comments are flooded with listeners begging for DJ Johnny to come back

in the middle of the broadcast, Johnny actually visits you; and you just stare at him because he looks different? he’s wearing a blue striped shirt with ripped jeans - such a simple outfit, yet he looks so handsome?

Johnny clears his throat and Jaehyun seems to be amused

'I’ve heard a bit of the show and I think there’s something wrong with Jaehyun’s mic, I’ll check it real quick’

'so you heard how bad our chemistry is?’ Jaehyun asks and Johnny looks at him for a second before turning away

'I wasn’t really listening’

and those words make you sad but you focus your attention on the new comments

he leaves after fixing what needed to be fixed and Jaehyun looks at you while smirking

'he looked nice, didn’t he? hmm maybe he has a date and that’s why he couldn’t do this broadcast?’

'maybe’

'next Monday we should…’

'we’re not going to host Lovey-Dovey ever again’

'you don’t like working with me? why don’t you complain to Johnny, you might be able to catch him still’

and you’re THIS close to try and suffocate him; he knows it and just smiles showing off his dimples proudly

but luckily, Johnny hosts the show with you next time

he even comes to say hi to you when he sees you studying in the library and asks you how are you; it’s awkward for you to suddenly talk like that with him but you know he’s trying hard so you have to try too

so after a month, everything seems to be okay

you may not hang out outside of the radio studio, but you talk

also, whenever his shirt’s unbuttoned enough to show his collarbones, you can’t focus on hosting and you catch yourself recalling the softness of his lips

you make scenarios in your head, thinking what would be happening now if you acted differently that one evening

but you stop when you see Johnny smiling at another girl, the way he used to smile at you

you really don’t want to act like that, but you go to Ten and ask him about this girl; he says that she was very close to becoming Johnny’s girlfriend a few months ago but she chose her ex-boyfriend over him

'her boyfriend probably broke up with her again and she’s using Johnny as a rebound’

'or he’s using her’

you look at Yuta that suddenly appears next to you, eating chips casually and Ten just grabs a whole fist of them and no one protests

'what did you say?’

'um I don’t know, what did I say? did that interest you?’

you curl your fingers into a fist

'what Yuta tried to say is that Johnny is probably still not over you and you’re an idiot’

'I’ve been called stupid so many times lately that I even start to believe it’

'oh, so you didn’t know that before?’

'do you want to die Three?’

and just like that, you find yourself in this very strange situation; you want to spend more time with Johnny and get closer to him as you watch him getting more involved with this girl

you hate yourself for that because why do you have to hurt yourself like that? you were the one to reject him so why does it feel like you are the rejected one?

it hurts when you hear that Johnny won’t be meeting you and your friends today, because he has other plans; it hurts when he posts a photo of this girl on his social media when it used to be your photos; it hurts when he has his eyes glued to his phone when there’s a music break in Lovey-Dovey; and when he smiles to the phone, you realize you haven’t made him smile in a while

and the worst part of it all is that you know very well that you have no right to feel that now

another Monday, another Lovey-Dovey broadcast

Johnny is currently telling a story about the last movie he watched and you know he watched it with her so to distract yourself, you search for another question to answer

and you find someone called Chaito; before you can read the actual question, Johnny is done with his story and asks you to pick another concern to solve

so you just go with it, but you’re suspicious - for a reason

'hello Lovey-Dovey’s listeners! DJ Blue, could you help me because I think I’m too much of an idiot to sort it out myself… my friend confessed to me but I rejected him unsure of my feelings-’

you stop reading; your face is getting so hot and you can’t even bring yourself to look at Johnny even though you can feel his stare on you

you don’t want to finish it but you know it’s too late; surprisingly, it’s Johnny that continues reading

'he found another girl and I’m SO frustrated whenever I see them together that I have to take it out on my poor friends. is it possible that I like him? what do I do now?’

your heart is racing at this point and your eyes are shaking; you can’t believe that Ten and Yuta did that to you and you search your mind for a way to get rid of dead bodies

but first, you have this question to deal with

Johnny doesn’t know what to do as well; he looks at you a few times but you don’t look back and time is ticking and you can’t go on without saying anything for too long

'that’s a difficult question’ you start 'our listeners must believe that I know it all but I’m sorry to disappoint - I make mistakes too. actually, someone confessed to me a few months ago and I said nothing. I made a decision without knowing. it still occupies my mind. I’m wondering what would I could have said but does it matter? we shouldn’t dwell on lost opportunities too much, the past is the past. in this case, Chaito, I think you should think about this person’s happiness first and step back. this person is trying to start again and you should let that happen’

‘I think-’ Johnny’s voice startles you and you let yourself look at his calm face ‘you all know what my motto is, right? you should always be honest with others and yourself. I think there’s nothing wrong with saying how you feel, even if it won’t change anything. at least you know that you did everything you could. maybe that girl is just a friend? maybe you’re misunderstanding something? you’ll never know without talking about it’

'umm SO, you got two points of view on that. pick the one that fits you better. now, shall we listen to NCT’s Knock On?’

you quickly turn on the song and you exhale loudly; your eyes find Johnny’s instinctively and you’re surprised to discover that Johnny is fighting back a smile

when he sees your straight face he can’t hold back anymore and his eyes make a crescent shape while he grins

‘shouldn’t you be focusing on your phone now, as always?’

‘why, does it bother you?’

‘do you want that to bother me?’

‘don’t reply to a question with a question’

‘why? because it’s your speciality?’

‘you seem frustrated, are you taking it out on me now?’

‘and you seem overjoyed, can I possibly know the reason?’

‘I’m just happy that you have great friends’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, and that conversation is making me uncomfortable so I’ll avoid it by saying I have to go to the bathroom but I’ll actually go home and never come back, so excuse me’

‘go ahead, just one little thing before you go - this girl wanted something more but I told her I’m not interested because I still like you’

and you stop dead in your tracks and you just look at Johnny like it’s the first time you see him; he just tilts his head and copies your expression perfectly

‘weren’t you supposed to go to the bathroom tho?’

'I don’t need to anymore’

you stand up and make your way towards him; he watches you patiently and the softness of his eyes reassures you

you sit on his lap and put your arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug; his hands find their place on your lower back, pulling you even closer to his body

you can only whisper 'I’m so sorry, I didn’t know how to react back then and it all turned into that mess that I never wanted’ into the crook of his neck

'I’m sorry too, that confession was too hasty and I acted like an idiot because I was just so disappointed’

'I guess we’re both idiots then’

everything is perfect and then, Johnny’s phone starts vibrating like crazy; he groans as he reaches for it, with you still in his embrace

he picks up the call and you hear Jaehyun’s voice

'congratulations on your marriage! your mics were on the whole time IDIOTS’

you kinda feel like dying at that moment but Johnny just laughs and goes with the flow

'our dear listeners, I hope you’ll be able to understand that we end Lovey-Dovey earlier today due to the circumstances’

and when he turns off everything, he looks at you and his eyes are smiling

'so does it all mean that you like me too?’

'no, I’m sitting on your lap because my chair was uncomfortable’

and he laughs with throwing his head back and oh, you just love when he does that

he takes your face into his hands and plants a kiss on your lips; this time it’s long and it’s just so meaningful and makes you all fuzzy inside

'okay, you know what? I think like you’

'so will you finally accept me as your wedding date????’

'with your dance moves? forget it’

and next day, when you’re leaving your apartment, you see Johnny waiting for you at the exit; he gives you one of his flirty smirks

'what are you doing here?’ you ask as you approach him

'I guess I missed you or something, I dunno’ he shrugs with the most nonchalant face expression he can make

'didn’t you leave my apartment like, 3 hours ago? you’re the clingy type, huh?’

'not my problem, you could have just rejected me AGAIN’

'I didn’t reject you I just-’

'oh yeah you GHOSTED ME’

and you roll your eyes and try to go past him because how many times is he going to remind you that

but of course, he grabs your hand and uses force to make you bump into his chest; he looks down on you and you smile at each other

'hey hey hey, where’s my morning kiss?’

so you hold hands when you enter the university building; Johnny tells you to be prepared to run as soon as you see Ten

and just then, Ten and Yuta appear in front of you with stupid grins on their faces

'oh, is that DJ Johnny and DJ Blue? I’m your biggest fan!! my name is Ten and I’m one of the friends you were talking about yesterday’

'and I’m Yuta! I have a complaint tho - how can you two solve everyone’s problems but you suck at sorting out yours?’

'don’t offend me or my girlfriend y/n please’

'you didn’t even ask me if I want to be your girlfriend’

'well, I assumed… yesterday we did things that only couples can do’

Yuta gasps dramatically and Ten puts his hands on his ears

'WHY DID I NEED TO HEAR THAT’

'One, shut up, he’s just joking’

'One?? the number keeps on decreasing, you must really hate me now huh’

basically, Johnny is still as annoying as he used to be, but he’s also the most caring person you know

he remembers to buy you coffee when you don’t have the time to and he carries an extra scarf in winter just in case you forgot

and honestly, at first you’re both very clingy - it’s like by that you want to make up for the lost time; you hang out with your friends less and less and it gets to the point that Ten calls you out

and you realize that it’s not healthy and that you should have separate lives while dating; you still spend a lot of time together but you also meet your friends and have your own hobbies

about that - you’re a little hesitant about continuing as a radio host now that you and Johnny are together but it turns out that listeners support you a lot and they want you to stay

well, now everyone knows who you are - they heard your confession and now Johnny’s holding your hand so it became clear that you are DJ Blue; that suddenly made you popular? it’s nice because now everyone wants to share their notes with you but you also had a few unpleasant incidents of people blaming you for their break up

luckily, you have Johnny and his positivity; you learn to be more optimistic from him and you don’t care about what others say that much anymore

it’s very cheesy but you know how people say 'you’re my vitamin’? that’s honestly how you think of Johnny, he makes everything better

what you love the most are your spontaneous trips; every few weeks you just go and explore the world surrounding you - Johnny’s admiring the views through his camera while you’re admiring him and those trips calm you down so much

also - he has a car so that makes up for the fact that he makes fun of you all the time; he feels invincible now knowing that his lips are your weakness

oh, and he still reminds you that you rejected him whenever you don’t want to kiss him

and even though Ten promises that he’ll never get a girlfriend because he nearly throws up when he sees you and Johnny - you’re all shocked to discover that he actually finds himself a girlfriend…. or does he? well, that’s a story for another time :)

disclaimer 1: my inspiration for Yuta was him calling Taeyong dumb when NCT 127 was playing the mafia game disclaimer 2: drinking game! drink every time you read stupid/dumb/idiot :) disclaimer 3: if you liked it, please let me know by liking this post or reblogging disclaimer 4: if you REALLY liked it, you may be interested in my masterlist?

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happinesspodcastsblog · 4 years ago

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How to Forgive Yourself

Forgiving ourselves for our past actions is often easier said than done. The good news is, we are capable of forgiving ourselves, no matter the pain or heartache we’ve caused in the past. In fact, self-forgiveness is an essential part of leading a more truthful, happier life.

Recently, there was a woman from my town who has four children of her own and she went out drinking one night. On her drive home, she crashed into another car with three teenagers and killed all of them. She was sentenced to 51 years in prison for her consequential choice that evening. Most of us reading this story can’t relate to this type of crime, but I think it’s safe to assume we’ve all made decisions that could have had really harmful consequences. Or we’ve caused people intentional, or unintentional harm that we later regretted.

One of the listeners of this podcast sent the following email, “Hello, Dr. Puff, I’m a long time listener. In my early childhood, I experienced a lot of violence, both verbal and physical from my parents and others, and I inflicted the same [violence] upon my sister. I witnessed my father being violent with my mother and others. I actually thought it was a normal part of life to be violent, mean, and judgmental. As I got older, and after I started listening to your podcast, I became aware that my behavior was extremely wrong. I have genuinely apologized to her many times and explained that my awareness wasn't there and I deeply regret my actions. Although we have been apart for more than 20 years, and she’s a professional with a wonderful family, she still has very negative thoughts about me and lashes out at me. She blames me for ruining her life. In your podcast, you always say to do whatever you can to reconcile, and then forgive yourself, and i think that's all I can do now. Do you have any suggestions on how I can move forward?” - Jayden.

So, what do we do if we really hurt someone? How do we forgive ourselves when we have caused physical and emotional pain to our loved ones, or even worse, killed somebody while drinking and driving? It seems like there is no room for self-forgiveness when we inflict this level of pain upon others. The truth is, there is always room for self-forgiveness, no matter the hurt we’ve caused. Humans mess up, and sometimes we get lucky that our actions didn’t cause the level of harm that they could have. Of course, there are degrees to the level of hurt we can cause others, but we should always be able to forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness is the way forward towards a healthy and happier life.

Because if we don’t allow ourselves to heal, we’ll be forced to numb ourselves from the pain. Or we’ll find moments of joy, but they will always be overshadowed by that moment we messed up. Both scenarios are dangerous because they have the capacity to send us down a shame spiral. This shame will take away any chance of peace or happiness.

So how do we achieve self-forgiveness?

The first thing we must do is acknowledge what we’ve done, and be completely truthful about it. Once we’re able to acknowledge the thing we’ve done or the hurt we’ve caused, it’s important to gather information. For some people, this might mean going to therapy to process everything, while for others it might mean journaling or even speaking to the people we’ve hurt. Whatever it is, honesty is the first action that should take place. During this first step, we want to learn and understand what we did and how our actions affected others.

The next step towards self-forgiveness is to rectify and amend your relationship with the person or people you hurt. In the examples we looked at earlier, Jayden apologized to his sister and the woman apologized to the parents during the court proceedings.

There are many nuances during this step. For example, sometimes the person we hurt may not be here anymore. This doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t make amends. We can visit their grave, or simply talk to them as if they were still here and apologize for what we’ve done. Or we may feel a strong need to apologize, but that apology could be very triggering or painful for the inflicted party. An alternative to apologizing directly could be to tell someone who is empathetic and kind about what you did. Secrets weigh us down, and getting this off your chest to someone who will be receptive may help you move towards healing.

The next step towards self-forgiveness is to ask ourselves, is there anything else I can do to make retribution for what I’ve done? This may mean jail time, keeping a distance from the other person, making financial retributions, or helping other people in the same situation as the person we hurt.

And last, we take a deep breath because we’ve arrived at the final and hardest step: to let it go and forgive ourselves. We’ve contemplated our action, we’ve listened, we’ve reached out, and after we’ve done everything we can to make it right, we must live our own life, as best as we can. Because the truth is, we all make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes are really big, while other times we just got really lucky that something terrible didn’t happen from our decisions.

When we intentionally hurt people, it’s because we are also hurting deep down. Have you ever heard the saying “Hurt people, hurt people”? Extensive research has been done about people who have committed crimes in all different types of situations, and most of the time they were simply passing off the baton they were given. This pattern of behavior doesn’t make it right, but it does help us understand why people cause pain. If we take the time to understand our behavior, we can let it go.

We can choose to let our past actions go and live a better life from anywhere, even in prison. One of my friends is a Psychologist who works specifically with people who are in prison. One of the most enlightened and peaceful people she’s ever worked with is a man who’s currently on death row. Even in prison, he has done extensive work on himself and has found deep peace and happiness. We have to remember that we can choose to live well, one day at a time, no matter what we’ve done in our past.

This topic feels extra personal for me because I’ve been on a lifelong journey of self-forgiveness. When I was 14 years old, I decided to leave my family and friends with only a windbreaker, a bible, and $70 in cash. I was asking myself big questions, like what is life all about? And at the time, I felt like the only way to figure it out was to leave home for 9 months, without telling anyone. My family didn’t know if I was dead or alive during this time, and as a parent, I now understand the depth of the pain I caused. I did eventually return, and after my family’s relief subsided, I had a lot to forgive myself for. Once I went through the steps laid out - understanding the hurt I caused, making amends, and offering retribution - I did forgive myself and allow myself to heal. I believe that in the end, I was able to turn that experience and all of the learnings into something beautiful.

An inevitable part of life is making mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes may hurt others. The only way forward is to turn that experience into a lesson and move forward towards living a better, more fulfilled life. I believe that my path towards becoming a Psychologist goes all the way back to being 14 years old, and seeking truths to life’s biggest questions. I’m grateful because I was able to forgive myself for the pain that journey caused, and as a result, I’m now able to share my learnings with you. We all deserve to live beautiful lives, no matter what. Part of that journey is self-forgiveness, and this process can begin whether the people we hurt choose to forgive us or not. You’re solely responsible for forgiving yourself and living each day well.

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thehundredplusone · 5 years ago

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Infodump: The Satanic Panic & Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA)

GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD! STRONG CONTENT WARNINGS FOR THE FOLLOWING:

Child abuse

Murder

Police abuse

Satanism

Mental illness

Cannibalism

TL;DR at the bottom.

I'm autistic and my "focus" or specialist subject is extreme religion, cults, and religious abuse. The subset I've been most interested in for several years is the satanic panic of America in the 1980s and 90s. This is the period of time which the idea of satanic ritual abuse comes out of. For those who don’t know, satanic ritual abuse or SRA is purported to be an organized form of child abuse and murder conducted by underground rings of “satanists”.

An important bit of context around these events: it was around this time that the fact that child abuse existed first entered the public consciousness. It's weird to think that child abuse wasn't considered a 'thing' at any point because we're so aware of it today but up until the 1970s, at least in the USA, no one really considered it. People ignored physical, mental, and sexual abuse in the home, considering it a private matter. "We believe the children" was such an important mantra during this time and so key to the SRA movement precisely because they were coming out of a period in which children were never believed about abuse at home and there was a major push to be aware of the symptoms of abuse.

The first ideas of SRA initially came from a book called Michelle Remembers, which is purportedly true account of a woman surfacing memories of SRA with her therapist. The book was a cultural hit and spread like wildfire, leading the authors, Dr. Lawrence Pazder and Michelle Smith (soon to be Dr and Mrs Pazder, as they both left their spouses and got married), to go touring the country to speak at psychology conferences, to newspapers, and on TV shows. They claimed that there were underground rings of satanists going around abusing children.

Interestingly, as people dug into Michelle's history to make sense of how this horrible abuse had happened to her, some inconsistencies showed up, like the fact that she had perfect attendance at school during the periods which she was supposedly being held captive by satanists. Michelle also claimed to have been directly healed by religious figures like Mary and the Archangel Michael, which was why she bore no physical marks from her abuse. Some have speculated that Michelle’s trauma was actually related to repeated miscarriages and the medical procedures she went through surrounding them. There are a number of elements which make the story suspect but they were brushed aside during that time.

Soon enough self-titled experts on SRA with no real qualifications other than attending a conference began to offer training sessions about recognizing the signs of satanic activity and abuse to police departments and teachers. Among their claimed signs that satanism was active in a community was one particularly dangerous suggestion. These experts, who often had little training in child psychology, claimed that while children never lie about being abused, children who were victims of SRA may lie and claim that they weren't abused. It was important, they said, to keep asking and make it clear that they didn't have to protect their abusers.

If you know anything about about psychology, your red flags might be going up right now, and with very good reason. Children are highly susceptible to suggestion and pressure. If they are asked a question over and over again by an adult who is pushing them to give a certain answer, they generally will. Adults are susceptible to this as well but to a lesser degree, which is part of why you see people confessing to crimes they never committed. Hold a person in a room for hours and hours, asking them constantly about something they want you to confess to and many people will eventually confess falsely just to get out of the room.

This is exactly what happened once things really took off. If you ask Americans about the satanic panic, those who know of it will often point to one key trial set right in the midst of the most frantic part of this cultural hysteria. That would be the McMartin preschool trial. So the McMartin preschool was a daycare in California run by a family, the McMartins. They were well regarded in the community and had quite a few kids attending their center. One day, a mother noticed an odd mark on her son's bottom and became concerned that he was being abused. After questioning him repeatedly, he finally said that his father, who was a teacher at his preschool, had hurt him. She contacted the police, and the police, seemingly knowing exactly what would send the community into a fervor, sent a letter to every parent at the preschool urging them to talk with their children and find out if they were being abused. More parents insistently questioned their children until they too confessed to abuse of all stripes. Another interesting note here: The mother who initially made the complaint had a history of mental illness and of suspecting others of abusing her son. She checked him for marks regularly and questioned him about possible abuse. While we can't say for certain this is what led to his confession, knowing that he'd had this line of questioning before makes it more likely he could have been coerced into a false confession.

The daycare teachers were arrested and all of the children were brought in to be questioned by social workers and police. They used the same tactics as described above, holding children in rooms for extended periods of time, asking them over and over about the same things until they agreed, telling them that other children had confessed to acts which they hadn't confessed to, and describing explicit, leading scenarios. The children questioned were very young, as young as two in some cases, and they were being prompted to agree with trained adults.

The adults also took any fantastical statement the child made as fact, going on the premise that they should believe the children. Claims taken seriously included dozens of babies being butchered and eaten, being flushed down a toilet into a secret room, and flying through the air. The daycare's entire building and property were dismantled and searched for hidden compartments or rooms and remains of the children supposedly killed. Nothing was ever found. The parents and children also met with Dr Pazder and Michelle in the run-up to the trial and it's believed that this influenced their testimony. SRA claims were also heavy in the medial around this time through a number of other cases and it's likely that children picked up on the stories and them subconsciously used what they'd heard from the TV or their parents in their own accounts. Ultimately, most of the charges were dismissed due to a lack of evidence. The few which went forward were eventually reversed, in some cases after the defendant served time in jail.

That's not the end of the story on SRA though. Remember the kids going through this? The kids who were trapped in rooms, separated from their families, forced to confess to graphic details of abuse which no child should ever have to hear, not allowed to leave until they told the police or psychologists what they wanted? That is scarring for a child. While some kids had enough of a sense of self to realize that none of it happened, many others had their very fragile sense of self ripped to shreds and tainted with the ideas people pushed onto them. They developed false memories of their childhoods. Normal scenes of happy families, playing with friends, going to preschool, were tainted by the anxiety and fear they were put through by people who should have been protecting them.

One story highlighted in a podcast I listened to highlighted a young man named J and his father, M. M was accused of satanic abuse by his ex-wife and ended up in jail. J and his siblings were sent to a therapist who convinced them that they were abused. The therapist told him he'd never be able to hold down a job, that he'd be stalked all his life by the satanic cult, and if he tried to be normal, he'd wind up abusing children the way his father did. J wound up depressed and involved in drugs but did eventually stop therapy and managed to pull together a life for himself.

When he was in his 30s, still fully believing that his father had abused him, his younger brother made contact with their dad. M sent the brother a long letter explaining what he remembered of the events and apologizing for them, which was forwarded to J. The letter ultimately helped J find cracks in the abuse memories which his mother and therapist had created and he began to question everything. He had been traumatized as a very young child into believing he was abused, but that itself was ultimately the abuse. Nothing had happened to him but a mentally ill mother and a manipulative, unethical therapist, but those were enough to leave him with years of scars and problems to work through.

I want to be clear that I’m not trying to discredit or harm people who have memories of SRA. While the acts never happened in nearly every case, the pain and trauma inflicted by being made to agree to graphic descriptions of abuse is very real. Their suffering is real. The blame for that suffering should be placed where it belongs. The only way we prevent something like this from happening again is to have accurate accounts of how it happened the first time. If you believe yourself to be an SRA victim, my heart goes out to you. I hope you’re able to heal in time and piece yourself back together.

TL;DR: SRA came out of a weird period of botched child psychology and hysteria. It's not likely anyone was ever ritualistically abused by satanists. People with memories from SRA cases have had false memories imprinted on them through repeated questioning by police, social workers, therapists, and parents. These people were their abusers, not satanists. They are abuse victims and they may have very real mental illnesses due to trauma.

If you want more info about this topic, I recommend checking out the podcasts "Conviction" (Season 2), "You're Wrong About" (Michelle Remembers episodes) and "The Satanic Panic".

#sra #satanic ritual abuse #cw child abuse #cw murder #cw police abuse #cw mental heath #graphic #michelle remembers #ritual abuse #infodump

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phoebe-does · 5 years ago

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my little project comeback pt.1

getting back into the swing of school after almost a month of holidays has been a real struggle so here’s a list of my goals and tricks/tips I’m using to achieve them. Hopefully some of this is useful to you guys!

managing my anxiety:

1. daily meditation - okay so my psychologist convinced me to give this a try since i’ve had a massive anxiety spiral. I’ve been using the app ‘smiling mind’ and doing the daily meditation courses for 16-18y olds. 2. no longer multitasking - no looking at my phone while watching a movie, no longer scrolling while listening to a podcast. Sitting and doing ONE thing at a time. 3. journalling - I journal almost every night. I reinforce everything I’m proud of myself for and list things/ habits that don’t serve the person I want to be. Eg. getting up and straight away scrolling through social media.

School:

1. Getting to school 45mins-1h before the first class & studying - I get some really good & productive work done in the morning! I usually try and get my homework done then but I also work on assignments when I don’t have homework. 2. actually stopping procrastination - legitimately removing the stress and judgement from what I’m doing and just looking at all my actions for what they are has helped me be like “okay cool, so i realise I’m wasting so much time watching glee, I’ll do a few more hours of study and then watch another episode” 3. Making quizlets for myself! - every week/2weeks I make a quizlet folder to revise from! It keeps all the content fresh!

so this has gotten too long, so imma make a pt. 2 for health, exercise & sleep!!

#mine #project comeback #phoebe-does babble #healthy habits #mental health #student

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erinelezabeth920 · 5 years ago

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Love in the Time Of

Anxiety. Is the first thing that comes to mind. Exhibit A- yesterday I woke up at 10:30 am. A thing unheard of for me without being out to 2am the night before, which rarely ever happens anymore. I generally like mornings. And it was Easter. And it was sunny and beautiful as all get up outside. I’m not a devout Christian, but I grew up going to church; I am closeted very spiritual, and I like human stories, community and meditative spaces. Therefore, Easter is usually the one day a year I like to go to church. It’s just a me thing; I was lucky to grow up in a progressive church so the guilt and pentinance thing doesn’t really bother me. My family was also just as likely to go out to breakfast at the local diner on a Sunday morning as we were to go to church. I think it was really just about the intentional time. (The hilarious part being that I grew up in a small town in Upstate New York, so we would have to leave the diner by 10:30 when church got out and the weekly patrons filed in for their cup of coffee and eggs tittering “oh HELLO Dunn family! We missed you today...” My dad would have his watch timed for a perfect exit. Today, empty nesters, my parents are devout patrons at what they call the Church of Danny Wegman, a Sunday morning grocery shopping ritual at Wegmans for any upstate New Yorkers out there. According to them, they’ve even converted a few friends.) So anyway I woke up at 10:30 and stayed in bed until 11:30. Christ has risen, but Erin definitely did not. The stone was rolled away to find me still lying in bed. Eventually I roused myself out of sheer hanger to eat leftover pizza and pour some cold brew from a can into a glass. I muttered something angry to Andy about playing video games and not making me breakfast because it was Easter so he should just KNOW that I wanted to wake up to a nice breakfast without any communication on my part. Duh. Ressurection indeed.

I was feeling hungry and sad and weird. You know that feeling when you sleep so much your body is confused about what time/ day it is and anything you should be feeling? Plus add the quarantine and the fact it was Sunday after a break from work aka Sunday scaries and the apartment was super dirty, because I’d been avoiding cleaning all week. I resented the sun outside, high in the sky, wishing I could roll back the clock four hours and calmly and serenly watch the sunrise out my window with the meditative curl of steam from my tea under a blanket, my cat softly lying next to me, contemplating the newness of the world. But it was almost noon, so here we are. After I ate my cold pizza and cold brew I got back into bed, waiting for Andy to be done with his video games and check on me so I could leech his energy. I laid in bed hating myself with inner monolouge like “Bitch, if you were single HOW do you think you’d be getting out of bed right now? Strong independent woman my ass” (Answer: I wouldn’t.) Credit to Andy though, he’s nothing but supportive and reliable even when I’m shooting angry looks across the apartment for no reason over my cold brew as he chats away merrily with his brother via Fortnite.

“I’m stuck,” I said as I laid under the covers. “I need an energy push. I want to stay in bed forever.” “Either not moving or going somewhere far away,” Andy said gently, nailing my reactions to anxiety (I had stayed up late the night before Googling School Psychologist jobs in small towns across the state). He laid down with with me for a moment, and then began breathing deeply vis a vis Terry Crews about to lift something gargantuous. “OKAY, HERE WE GO!” he yelled, and ripped the covers off, pushing me off the bed, pulling me up and and shoving me toward the bathroom with a towel. Again, credit to Andy.

The shower made me feel better. I think under all the anxiety and negative self-talk, I was really just sad. Easter has never been a huge holiday, but I always liked it in a kind of personal way, just connecting with spring, new beginnings etc. I missed my family I guess or any sense of celebration. And I get this thing like, I am a mental health professional, I teach yoga, therefor I shouldn’t have hard times during this, because I am above such petty emotions. (Logically it makes no sense, but the way our brains work it makes perfect sense.) I put on a nicer ish sweater and ripped jeans. Easter Sunday best, it’s all about doing the best we can. Our friends knocked on the door, and came in to stand safely in the doorway with a boquet of flowers and a bag of fried dandelions (what? but they were delicious I’ll have you know.) “Happy Easter!” they said. My towel was still on my head. My eyes would have almost teared up if I had been alert enough to feel emotions fully. They hung out for a bit in the doorway, pet the cat, then headed out. One of my friends had said he was practicing sleeping in to prep for a night volunteer shift, but only made it until 9:45 that morning. It made me feel like a lump. As they left, we said we’d go on a walk with them later. We didn’t. Flakiness doesn’t stop during a quarantine.

(flowes, fried dandelions and Felix) Andy made eggs after I complained he hadn’t made me breakfast (to which his response was, ‘I asked if you wanted breakfast and you grunted and went back to sleep.” Well... my anger is completey justifiable. Obviously.) We watched Lego Masters- Star Wars episode. It was really good. The sun fltered in. I wanted it to go away, or I wanted to have the energy to go out in it. I had a headache. My jaw hurt. I laid on the couch and read for hours intermittently scrolling through my phone and checking how many people had viewed my Instagram story, and then immediately hating myself for scrolling through my phone, until we finally found the motivation to do some cleaning while listening to a DnD podcast. That felt nice. Then we went on a walk still listening to the podcast. The characters were fighting a giant invisible spider. I felt tired, and noticed how far you could see into the foothills of the mountains. I’m scared, I said to Andy, that when things return to normal I’ll be sad. Not for like the deaths and economy and stuff, but this- that we can see so clearly to the mountains. What happens when that’s gone? We were going to cook, but felt lazy. We orded sushi. It was okay. We watched Return of the Jedi. During the Lego Masters episode one of the teams had built the battle of Endor and made all the Ewoks’ primitive weapons. It was cool. I liked all the trees and ferns. I wondered about Carrie Fischer in her skimpy Jabba outfit, how did she feel around all those men? I contemplated searching Pornhub later for spin offs and then felt weird about it. We drank wine. We turned the lights off. The cat meowed at the door to explore outside. I was annoyed at him, so Andy took him out. Andy went to bed. I laid on the couch and listened to a Brene Brown podcast about anxiety, My jaw still hurt. Anxiety she said, manifests in two ways. I thought okay Brene, sometimes you annoy me, because not to be pretenious here, but I know more about psychology than you. But you have a real way of getting people to listen. So I’ll listen. The two ways, she explained, are over and under performing. Over performers tend to do a million things, check off to-do lists, always have a task, something to be doing to stop themselves from feeling (I’m looking at all you bread makers. Just kidding, baking bread is a completely wholesome way of coping with free time, and really I’m just jealous...)

Underperformers on the other hand tend to shut down, need help from others, seem helpless from the outside, tend to fold under pressure, exuding low energy. Neither is better than the other, although society definitely favors the over performers. But in reality, both are just a way to avoid anxiety- keep it lurking in the shadows like the monster of a horror film, instead of bringing it out into the light. And we all know the suspension of an unknown movie monster is so much worse than after we’ve just seen the damn thing.

Then she went into birth order; first borns tend to be more over-performers with last borns more under-performing, which is fine and probably pretty true and all, but I don’t totally subscribe to those things as pre-destined. But I did like finding a name to a feeling or habit. Naming is the first way to remove power. I had been drastically underperforming all day. And it’s not even my fault. It’s just anxiety- that all of us have, lingering in the peripherals, and our habitual responses.

And honestly, that’s okay. I’d spent time with my partner. I’d seen friends and been the recipient of kindness. I’d gotten outside. I’d cleaned the apartment. We’d had dinner and watched a movie. We were fed, healthy and both have jobs. I’d even called my parents before they went to sleep to wish them happy Easter. Why can’t that just damn be enough?

Before I went to bed, I watched an online Easter church serivce from a local church. It was awkward. The pastor filmed himself walking around a cemetary. And yet, somehow, it felt nice. I felt a tiny bit part of something.

Check the facts honey. It is enough. It’s always enough. You’re enough.

And that’s love in the time of.

#mental health #quarantine #seattle #writing #non-fiction

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