#also i really need to sort out my comp tags so they have some sort of consistency this year

[psychic-waffles]

wait what do you mean the lombardia stream is €20

[4am-enha]

i loved ur enha finding u crying story and was wondering if u could do one w jungwon comforting/cheering on their s/o while practicing hard/during their taekwondo match! i do taekwondo and jungwon is my bias and i may or may not always bring his pc to competitions as a sense of comfort. but tyy :)

A Kick in the Heart.

pairing: (gn) taekwondo student reader x s/o taekwondo partner jungwon

genre: fluff fluff fluff fluff

wc: ≈ 2k

description/tags: yang jungwon from enhypen, basically the ask above sums it up, comfort, support, frustration, “my love/dear” used, hand holding, hug, relationship, happy crying.

note: ello! thank you so much for requesting this, it’s such a cute idea (i’m also jungwon biased) and i honestly needed the motivation to write something on here. full disclaimer, i don’t really know anything about taekwondo because i have only done ju jitsu, so it might not be very accurate but i tried anyway ㅠㅠ. ily, you’re super cool and i hope you enjoy <3

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

The ache in your legs only began to hurt more and you didn’t know how much longer you could tolerate the old smell from the mats your now shaky legs stood upon. You had been practicing restlessly for hours alone in the dojang this evening, pushing yourself past your limits, all in preparation for a huge competition coming up sooner than you would have liked it to be. The nerves and pre-comp anxiety you felt only pushed you to train harder, practice more. You had to be prepared and ready for this and you wouldn’t go down easy. What pushed you even harder was your taekwondo partner, who also happened to be your sweet and loving s/o, Yang Jungwon.

Maybe it was corny, but you took pride in impressing him. You desperately wanted to avoid being humiliated in front of him, even if he was the type of person to think you’re amazing no matter what. You had met him when you first joined taekwondo, and were partnered up with him for your first few classes. He had been doing taekwondo for a few years now, and was really, and I mean really good at it, so it was an honor to be the one to work with him back then. He was always the instructor's example for the other students and everyone looked up to him,

Especially you.

He was basically your idol in some sort of way, and you were determined to get to know him. Luckily, he was just as willing to learn about you and you soon became inseparable, spending every day together in and out of the dojang. You had this specific picture of him that you loved so much and you would always carry it around with you, which you would always look at for comfort before any big event or a match. Of course, he had one of you too. He called it his ‘good luck charm’ and whenever you couldn’t be where he was, he would bring the picture like you were there with him.

Usually you would always practice together but you had been insisting on practicing solo for this upcoming competition, even though he was also participating in the competition just in a different section. You didn’t tell him that you had been consistently almost living in the dojang when nobody else was using it for the past few weeks. In fact, Jungwon had started to get insanely worried about you because you just kept canceling on plans and missing out on everything. At first, he thought you might’ve been mad at him and maybe you were giving him the silent treatment- but you didn’t seem mad at all, and you weren’t necessarily ignoring him all-day-everyday either.

As he passed the simple yet so significant building where you would usually train alongside each other, today he noticed a light on where it shouldn’t have been. Only then it occurred to him exactly where you had been disappearing to. If there was anywhere you’d be before a competition, it was the dojang. He felt a little betrayed that you weren’t practicing with him though, and began to worry you might have found a new favorite training partner.

As he approached the entrance of the room, he could hear the smacks of your hits, exhausted breaths, and yells of frustration followed by a light thud. His eyes were both blessed and cursed with the sight of you as he entered. There you were, so beautiful, but so burnt out and sore. You had obviously taken a minute to catch your breath and you were laying on your back staring into the awfully bright ceiling completely lost in thought. He sighed and approached you quietly, quiet enough that you still hadn’t noticed him until he positioned and laid himself next to you.

You briefly turned your head to look at him and then looked back up at the ceiling and stayed silent. You knew he was about to nag the heck out of you for this, but you were just too tired and annoyed to even try fighting it or defend yourself. Jungwon laid there and stared at the ceiling as well, but he wasn’t silent for long.

“Why alone?” he uttered.

You shrugged in response, not sure how to answer yet and still a little surprised to see him unintentionally here right now.

“You really want to do well?” he questioned you rhetorically.

“Why is that even a question, you know I do,” you grumbled.

“Then don’t you want a companion?”

“You don’t need to train, you’re gonna win without any practice, you always do. I mean your name literally has ‘won’ in it,” you regarded with a smart tone.

“Who says you aren’t going to do just the same? You’re probably better than me-” he was cut off by the facial expression plastered on your face when you turned your head to meet his eyes. Your eyebrows were raised at him in a way of saying “be serious”.

“Okay at least let me help you a bit,” he sat up and took your arm to draw circles on it with his finger, “I don’t want you to seriously hurt yourself,” he pouted slightly.

You didn’t plan on it, but you ended up agreeing to let him train with you for a few hours. He was too precious to reject, and that cheesy plea on his face was too convincing. He got changed and returned quickly to begin practice with you.

About an hour in, you hit the ground pretty hard and screamed. Jungwon rushed to you in horror that he might’ve really injured you. But it wasn’t a scream of pain, it was an infuriated scream of failure and exhaustion. Jungwon understood.

“It’s okay, you’re gonna knock it out of the park,” Jungwon took your hand into his own, “I believe in you. You’re such a hard worker, and your determination is unmatched love. That’s why I love you so much, you know that.”

“I’m just afraid I’m not reaching my full potential. What if I don’t do good enough?” You began to fret frantically, doubting yourself left and right.

Jungwon turned your head to look at him and he simply smiled, dimples on full display. He tucked away a stray hair strand in your face and grabbed the little flannel from beside him, dabbing it on your forehead gently, “there is no ‘if’ when it comes to you. You can and will do your best, and at the end of the day you’re always the winner of my heart.”

“That’s so cringey,” you squirmed.

“You make me like that,” he patted your head softly and reached out to pull you up on your feet again, “let’s go get a treat, you deserve it.”

“The building is still open for another hour though-” you began.

“It’s enough practice my dear, you’re going to be swollen and too sore to participate on the day otherwise. Then all that hard work you put in will go to waste,” he tried to convince you.

You nodded and began to tidy up the space, “you're paying though, I left my money at home.”

【☆】★【☆】

The big day had arrived and the knots in your stomach and slight tremble proved it. You were up next, and Jungwon wasn’t there beside you. He was off doing his own match elsewhere. You wished you could’ve watched him, but you had your match at the same time as his and you knew he would win it anyway. He was a taekwondo genius after all.

You sneaked a glance at the picture of him you had and smiled. “I’ll win it for us,” you thought to yourself.

“You’re on now,” the person beside you guided you.

【☆】★【☆】

Just as you had predicted, Jungwon was currently winning his match, but it was getting a bit too close for comfort for him. His rival was actually a challenge and Jungwon almost slipped up a few times.

The thought of you was taking over his mind, which is probably why he wasn’t as focused as he usually was today. It was risky, but he couldn’t erase the thought of you right now. The immense guilt he felt that he couldn’t be there with you right now was suffocating. You had trained until you literally dropped and he was missing it. All he wanted was to be holding you right now and he was so concerned for your health and safety. If someone hurt you, he swears he would go after them.

The thought of you motivated him and he began to pick up his pace again to get this match over and done with. Quickly, Jungwon won the match and cheers were heard from all around the space, but he didn’t celebrate. Not at all. Jungwon rushed off the area and ran like lightning towards where your match was. He pushed through people and almost fell over a few times until he reached the sight of you.

You were losing the lead of your match, but still working hard to win.

Until you heard it.

The enthusiastic cheer from a familiar voice of someone you absolutely adored.

“THATS MY Y/N!”

You caught a glimpse of him to confirm it; Jungwon had basically become something like the flash to support you in your match. He was jumping up and down, yelling your name like an obsessive American soccer mom. It made you giggle to yourself, and almost distracted you.

“FOCUS” is all you could hear from Jungwon now, he was like a coach.

But maybe that’s all you needed. Just, Jungwon.

Because you won your match, even after coming dangerously close to losing. You couldn’t believe it and you stood paralyzed in shock. This win was huge for you because this was a really important and popular competition. Taekwondo students from all around the country had come together for it.

When it was okay to, Jungwon darted over to you and captured you into a tight hug, spinning you around a little, “YOU DID GREAT!”

You had missed his warmth and embrace so badly, and you were so surprised to see him before the end of your match- that you had just won- that you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Why are you crying my love?” He hugged you tighter.

“You’re drenched in sweat, that’s so gross” you joked.

“Oh I’m so sorry I just-“ Jungwon didn’t get the memo that it was just a joke.

“They’re happy tears,” you interrupted him and cried out, letting them finally fall from your eyes. You tightened your grasp on him, heart full of love. When suddenly, you heard Jungwon begin to sniffle too.

“Wait, why are YOU crying?” You looked at him, the skin around his eyes starting to glow a light red as he wiped your own tears with his thumbs.

“Happy tears, because I’m so proud of you. You’re such an amazing person, and you’re all mine.”

No award could amount to the achievement he felt being able to call you his.

… end …

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

an: ty for reading! lmk what you guys thought, all notes are appreciated and feedback is encouraged!! i’m sorry if there’s a lot of mistakes- i can’t see what i’m typing very well because of the tumblr bug rn where the text is barely visible ugh. have a great day loves~ ENHA COMEBACK OTW HEHEHEHAR.

[thewertsearch]

Ask Comp 19/10

That's true - we don't know for sure that Trollian can fully emulate Sburb's surveillance capabilities.

If the trolls were sufficiently motivated, though, they wouldn't actually need to. Sollux could probably hack one of the kids' computers, to gain access to their Sburb viewport - although if he did, he wouldn't need a camera to snoop on their messages.

Is there a paranoia Aspect? I think I've finally found my calling.

anonymous asked: heya! ive just finished re-reading your ENtIRE liveblog and i to send asks about some stuff but i waited to finish so im sendind everything at once! (im gonna send stuff in a bunch of small asks so cat can stop just one instead of the whole thing in case of accidental spoilers) (aslo hi cat!) (also its ninnoy, havent sent an ask in a while but i changed my pfp to something slightly more spoilery so im in anon now) [...] the jade pen pal thing, do you have any new theories on who it could be?

None! I'm sure that it's someone derived from Grandpa Harley, but everything else is a mystery.

I have no particular theories about who he is, how he knows Jade, where he got his hands on so many endgame weapons, or why he's got such an antiquated accent if he's watching movies from the 80s. I assume time travel is involved, but that doesn't really narrow anything down in a comic like this. He (she? they?) is a complete enigma, and I'll just have to wait to learn more.

ALsO WHEREs YOUR sONAs? we havent seen them in so long im afraid sahlle might have actueally died of meteor strike (joking of course) also have you realized that "sally" and "cat" are both one letter of from a valid kid name? you could lend her one of your "L"s

I've actually been workshopping some Quest stuff for Sahlee this week! I suppose I'd need to figure out her Title first, though, and for that, I'd need to get a more solid idea of her personality, and how her experiences on Alternia have shaped her.

in one of your last posts you seemed to imply that the multiverse exists inside the timeline, but ive always read it as the opposite, the timeline inside the universe that would explain why the trolls can pick any time from the humans universe to talk to them but cant have private conversations with their own futute/past selves, its not an inherent part of trollian, they are just outside the human timeline (the memos are still trollian being time fucky) dont know if that makes any difference but its a thought also i realize the tag may be unecessary due to my quirk, but its too late to stop now

(NOTE: quirk omitted for readability, but the substitutions are [t -> 7, s -> 2] - sort of a variant of Sollux's quirk. I actually don't think we've seen any quirks which add a 7, so the voice here is distinct from any trolls we've seen so far. I like it!)

Originally, my assumption was that each timeline contained a duplicate of the entire multiverse. Doomed timelines don't seem to let you communicate with other universes/dimensions, though, so they don't need to contain other sectors of reality. I'm currently of the opinion that doomed timelines only contain an instance of the dimension they were doomed in. The only timeline which contains the entire multiverse is the Alpha.

This mechanic keeps doomed timelines simple, but in-universe, I don't know why it exists. Much like the Alpha itself, it's a mystery I can only speculate about.

has the shipping chart been updated since the last time we saw it? also you (at some point) said that equius<>feferi was a controversial ship so i had to go back to check the notes and i was the only person i found talkig about it so i guess im the whole controversy? if thats the case i would like to thank you for recognizing me as the equius<>feferi number 1 hater (all jokes of course)

I got a few skeptical asks about Equius<>Feferi, but you're the only one who discussed it on the post itself. I guess by some measures, you are the most dedicated hater, because your hate was posted publicly! 🤣

I could make one or two changes, but I don't want to post a new chart until the kids meet the trolls in person, hopefully at the end of the Act!

The Scratch, naturally - but I'm also looking forward to seeing exactly how WV was Exiled. He's currently on Skaia, and Jack has lost interest in him, so who's actually sending him through the portal?

Tavros is barely a presence on the Land he's ostensibly the hero of, and all of his actions are being dictated by a third party who can physically control his body. This third party does not acknowledge or respect Tavros's own desires, effectively forcing him to play the game in a way that she personally approves of.

She claims it will make him stronger.

@bladekindeyewear submitted: That was a long, thorough, and fantastic response! It's fascinating seeing your opinion on these things-- and I'm glad to see that considering the questions we've given you seems to have made you more paranoid. But I'm just not entirely sure you're paranoid ENOUGH. Not yet. Much like how you just found that "BREEZE" quote in your Breath research, back at around the time you've now reached in the comic, we had dozens of theory-miners combing back through everything that had been said and shown in Homestuck, over and over again, searching for anything we might have missed that might have been of some importance. [...] So, uh….. how do I put this… Would you prefer to strictly handle that sort of thing all by yourself, as you've said? Which I'd agree is still the best way that you should keep to, for the most part? Or would you mind if I gave you just a CRUMB of an example, only one? A tiny bit of text that we in the theory community only found at about the time you've reached in the comic, even though it was more than a thousand pages earlier?

Shit, this is such a dilemma. I'm honestly really torn.

See, I'd probably find old fandom theories absolutely fascinating to analyze. I'd love to know how closely my ideas align with those of the early Homestuck fandom, and whether I'm saying anything really out-of-pocket. My analysis of Sollux's ~ATH script was apparently an original theory, and it's honestly one my proudest moments.

But that's also sort of the problem, isn't it? If I dive too deeply into other people's fan theories, they'll start to affect my own - and if I'm introduced to a really compelling fan theory, it could end up replacing any homegrown theories that I could have developed in lieu of it. If someone had send me a well-reasoned ~ATH theory before I did my own analysis, I'd probably have been less motivated to make the analysis in the first place. After all, many of my questions would already have been answered by a clever theory I just read.

People are free to send me their own off-the-cuff opinions on what's happening in the comic, or their own takes on any meta I write. I get a lot of asks like that, and they're some of my favorites. There are also asks which spoil a little too much, but I'm still interested in their takes, so Cat's saving them for later. We don't really delete asks - we just delay the ones that aren't necessarily appropriate for a blind liveblog.

Obviously there's a fine line here, and whether a given ask is a theory or just an opinion is a little subjective - but in my opinion, the influence that asks and submissions have had on my analysis has been relatively minor. I don't think many of my theories have been spawned from an ask, or killed by one.

This is a little different, though, because it's part of a theory that was crowdsourced over several years. It doesn't sound like something that could be inferred by an individual, so I'm not sure if it's something an individual liveblogger should necessarily know about? If I start crowdsourcing my analysis, my theories will be less Wertsearch and more fandom consensus, and I don't think I'd enjoy that as much.

I really want to know, but I think I'll enjoy the liveblog more if I don't. When I finish the comic, I'll gleefully analyze any fan theory that anyone sends me - but for now, I'll just have to wonder, and come up with theories of my own!

Yeah, we've really been getting into it with Vriska lately. I've enjoyed trying to explain and predict her actions, and I'm glad people don't think I'm going overboard when trying to analyze her.

When a character does something interesting, I don't like to move on until I have a theory about why they did it. Sure, it may be refuted later, but it needs to be something that's consistent with what I currently know about their personality.

Vriska takes a particularly long time to puzzle out in this way. Her motivations are derived from a complex web (lol) of factors, including Scratch, Spidermom, her rivalry with Terezi, her horrendous relationship with Tavros, classism, teenage hormones, quadrant politics, highblood society and the Alternian culture of violence. They all inform her decisions, and any combination of them could have been the catalyst for the latest Vriska Incident.

I want characters to make sense to me, and Vriska is written to deliberately challenge my attempt to achieve this. Her meta is fun to write, so I'm glad it's also fun to read!

[heybaetae]

best of 2021 

post your favorite or most popular post from each month this year!

thank you @jimmeo-kookliet for tagging me to do this! i can’t really decide if i want to post all my favorites of each month or the post that got the most notes, so i might just...put both? i’m adjusting the prompt for the fun of looking back on everything i made this year, but if i tag you please feel free to follow the prompt however you’d like. i think i giffed more in 2021 than i ever have in my life and i’ve been doing this for a looong time. i have a lot of mixed feelings about it as we wrap this year up, but i can wholeheartedly say that i had a lot of fun creating things this year and appreciate everyone who still goes out their way to share not only my content, but others’ as well. 

i’m gonna put all this under a cut! 

🔮 january

my favorite: bangtan full house 

technically this is my second favorite because my actual favorite also got the most notes so see that one below, but this set idea was a close second because it was so random. the idea popped into my head while watching this dvd and i thought the way they were turning towards the camera gave off cheesy 90s sitcom intro energy, so i ended up downloading the full house font and this set came to be. i also did a ton of selective color correcting to get completely rid of the bright purple color of the screen behind them, so i’m still pretty proud of this! i absolutely did not expect the reaction it got at all! i even posted a video version with the theme song for the full effect lmfao.

most notes:  favorite taehyung moments

just a really cute compilation of some of my all time fave taehyung moments. it’s still such a precious set to me and i had a good time making it. maybe i’ll make a part two one day!

🔮 february 

my favorite: bias wrecker jungkook

i just loved the purple color scheme of this set! it wasn’t really planned, but i still think it’s one of the prettiest sets of jungkook i’ve made. 

most notes: winter package taehyung

understandable, look at him

🔮 march

my favorite: vmin comp

most notes: bandana taehyung

i looooved making comps for the make me choose meme, i should bring it back

🔮 april

my favorite: yellow taehyung

i think this is one of my biggest comp sets that absolutely nobody asked for

most notes: fluffy hair taehyung

as he should!!! AS HE SHOULD!!!

🔮 may

my favorite: butter mv comp

what a fun night this was let’s go back

most notes: taehyung at gyeongbokgung palace

i very fondly call this footage the “look at all those chickens” clip

🔮 june

my favorite: sowoozoo vcr jungkook

i love the coloring i did on this a lot especially since those vcrs were very orange-y. this set looks like it could be from a movie...chef’s kiss

most notes: tata mic

because of course it did

🔮 july

my favorite: black/blonde hair hoseok

this was the first time i experimented with a layout of this sort and i thought this turned out really cool! giffing hobi is such a treat for me and i need to do it way more because it gives me so much serotonin

most notes: yoonkook comp

THIS SET WAS SO MUCH FUN TO MAKE AND I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH IT!!!! 

🔮 august

my favorite: red plaid taehyung

he’s so cute what the fuck :/

most notes: taehyung samsung commerical

i’m really not sure why this did well, i put very little effort into it lmao

🔮 september

my favorite: ON mv making film taehyung

self explanitory

most notes: esquire taehyung

i’ve had this blog since october 2020 and this is only the second time i’ve had a post hit 5k notes (and 4k too for that matter)

🔮 october

my favorite: taehyung trying to bulk up

literally WHAT is this man doing. the way i leaped off my bed when this scene popped up in the bangtan bomb with no warning

most notes: dramatic taegimin

honestly same

🔮 november

my favorite: motsone tae and his tongue

i haven’t rested since he did this and it took me over a year to finally get to gif it in HD so

most notes: taehyung’s fond of jimin face

VERY RELATABLE CONTENT

🔮 december

my favorite: motsone jungkook

soooo pleased with how this set turned out and the purple/pink colors flowing so naturally. i experimented a bit with sharpening, especially with this dvd and i think this is the prettiest jk set since the bias wrecker one i made in february!

most notes: funniest taehyung moments

thank you kim taehyung for making us laugh so much this year <3

that’s it!!! 

i’m gonna tag some of my fave creators of this year but PLEASE do not feel obligated to do this!

@intokook @jeonbunkook @taeunwoo @kimtaegis @tcehyungs @taeyoonge @hobeah @jeonjcngkook @userjiminie

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[dessarious]

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt81

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

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As soon as the portal closed behind them Chloe and Luka dropped their transformations. Marinette was once again piggybacking Chloe as they turned to look at Tikki and the other Kwami. She hadn't wanted to transform again because she wasn’t certain what Tikki had done and was worried the other four would disappear along with her. She couldn’t afford to have the League members find out if they were just temporary, and she had no way to ask Tikki with them all there.

“You couldn’t have given me some type of heads up or warning?” It was so strange talking to Tikki while she was in human form. It also hadn’t escaped her that all five of the Kwami were in her designs and she wasn’t sure whether she should be flattered or if Tikki had just picked the first things that had come to mind.

“I’m sorry Marinette. I’m tired of watching them treat you like that and I had to do something. I was going to discuss this with you to see if you were okay with it but I really do think you could use the extra help and they volunteered.” So not temporary then, that would require some serious thought. “As I said Plagg can destroy their bodies so if you don’t want to keep them here it’s an easy fix.”

“It’s not that.” Marinette just sighed. This was just one more complication that she really didn’t know how to deal with at this point. “They’ll need identities, papers, and I have no idea how to go about getting those. I’ll need to look for a much bigger place than I was thinking and I’m not sure I can afford that yet and be able to renovate it for wheelchair access as well. Not to mention-” She cut off as Damian shoved his phone in her face. She’d noticed him on it but assumed he was trying to calm down his family. On the screen was a huge house not too far from her current school.

“What do you think of this?” She could only blink at the screen for a moment before she grabbed the phone to get it at a better distance so she could read it properly. It wasn’t a house either, it was a freaking mansion. Twelve bedrooms, fourteen bathrooms, two kitchens for crying out loud, and that wasn’t counting the guest house, or groundskeepers house or whatever it was. It was three stories plus a basement but it did have an elevator. Then she looked at the price.

“Damian there’s no way I can afford that right now, and honestly it’s probably too big.” He was shaking his head before she’d even finished.

“You don’t need to afford it. Since I’m staying here for the foreseeable future I need a more permanent residence that lives up to the Wayne name and can house whatever family members happen to show up. If it happens that when I end up leaving Paris you like it and can afford it you can buy it from my father, but until then since you’re such a ‘good influence’ on me he thinks us staying in the same residence will be beneficial to the both of us. And don’t worry about documentation for your new friends, Alfred is already preparing everything.”

She could only stare at him. He’d said everything in such a matter of fact tone, as though her answer were a foregone conclusion. She wanted to be annoyed with him but she knew it was his way of showing support and caring. She looked back at the phone and really looked at the pictures. The front entrance didn’t have steps and there were at least two bedrooms on the first floor. Even with the elevator she’d rather not have to be dependent on it in case of repairs or power outages. It could work.

“Fine, but I’m paying for any renovations that need to be made for me. And I’m paying rent since there will be five of us living there and I have a feeling Chloe will be there more often than not.” Damian just raised an eyebrow at her.

“I can tell my father that but he won’t listen. This won’t be a drain on our resources at all and he’ll want you to save for your future. I will try to talk to him though.” That sounded about right. When you have money to just throw at a problem you don’t necessarily consider how other people will see it. Damian was tapping away on his phone again and frowning in annoyance.

“He says if it will make you feel better about it you can be the family designer and instead of rent comp the materials. Sadly enough that probably will work out about right given how many of us there are.” She blinked at that. Sure, the materials wouldn’t be cheap but the exposure she’d get from the Waynes wearing her designs exclusively would far outweigh the cost. Damian was now scowling at his phone. “He also wants to see if you’d be willing to work with our R&D department to make materials for protection that can be put into all sorts of clothing. We actually commissioned you for suits with Kevlar once and he was very impressed with both the utility and design.”

“I remember those. It was a fun challenge if a rather odd request. Granted I didn’t think it was too strange given the amount of people in the public eye that get attacked.” But could she really just let Bruce Wayne pay for her housing like this? Wouldn’t people talk? It could hurt his reputation to be housing a teenager. At best they would think he was keeping his son happy by keeping his girlfriend close, at worst… she didn’t even want to think about it.

“He also wants to circulate a story that you were attacked after you revealed yourself as the designer behind Functional Fashion and that’s how you were paralyzed. Between that and having you actually work with Wayne Enterprises it would make sense that we would be concerned about your safety enough to house you in a secure location.” But would it?

“What if my parents technically lived there as well? Maybe even in the guest house or whatever. They wouldn’t be there much because of the bakery but I think it would help with the public image if they were part of it as well.” She didn’t realize until she said it that it meant she was agreeing to this plan. Given the satisfied look on Damian’s face he realized it too.

“And we can have the Kwami make appearances as your staff. Digg would obviously be a bodyguard. Primm looks more like a customer service type or receptionist, and Jett perhaps something with design or tailoring? They don’t have to actually do anything but if the press thinks they’re living at the house because that’s your base of operations it would help. Lyccen…” He seemed at a loss for the Kwami of Anarchy. Granted they could change her look if they had to but she had a feeling Tikki had chosen their attire for a reason.

“Personal assistant. The way people view the disabled everyone will assume my having someone with me all the time to help with things is completely normal.” As much as she hated to say it, it was true. If she could afford to pay someone to help her with normal day to day tasks that were ‘harder’ in a wheelchair no one would question it. Especially since she’d only just lost the use of her legs. As much as she wanted to be independent she could see the use of having a ruse in place to make it seem like she wasn’t. “But how do you plan to get around the fact that there was no police report? Or hospital stay for that matter?” It was a problem she’d been trying to figure out herself. How was she just supposed to show back up paralyzed when she had absolutely no explanation or proof for what happened.

“My father invited you to Gotham to talk about this collaboration and you were attacked there. We are very private and prefer to deal with things in house so it won’t be hard for him to convince the Commissioner to make a report after the fact. We can falsify medical and travel records easily enough.” It was amazing how much morally gray area there was when all you’re doing is trying to save the world.

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[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

a little jealous

A/N: this was requested by anon, I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think!

request: Could you write a fic post it chapter 2 where Richie and Eddie start dating, but then Richie starts to feel jealous of Eddie with an attractive coworker?

warnings: a few curse words, a very brief mention of homophobia, a bit of self doubt

They’ve been officially dating for two months when Eddie invites Richie to join him on a work related business party. It’s not the first one Eddie has had to go to, but up until now he had always made up an excuse so that he only had to stay for about an hour, not nearly long enough for Richie to tag along to.

The difference between this one and the others he has already been too, is that this time he needs to stay to the end. Eddie might be up for a promotion if his boss takes a liken too him, which is why he is determined to make a good impression. If Eddie gets turned down, he’ll probably leave his job and search for another one, Richie thinks, since Eddie had been going on none stop about quitting.  

Richie has been to his office before, on more than one occasion, when Eddie was so stressed he forgot his lunch, so it’s not his first Rodeo. He knows a few people that will attend, like Anisa who is the secretary on the bottom floor, Emmet who is Eddie’s coworker and works in the office adjacent to his, and Karen who is about as much a pain in the ass as Eddie’s mom, but Richie loves to fuck with her.

Anisa is his best friend in the office, well of course besides Eds, but whenever he stops by, he always leaves some form of candy on her disk, a references to the first time the two met, when Richie accidentally dropped all the candy he was planning to surprise Eddie with. It had been Halloween, and even though Eddie didn’t celebrate it, none of the losers actually, Richie still felt the need to do something. They hit it off straight after, especially when Anisa confided in him that she had never seen Eddie smile as much as when he got together with him.

Emmet is a bit of a hardass, work till he drops, party till he drops kind off guy. Full-on in everything he does, which sometime is a little of putting, but it can also cause hilarious comedy gold moments, which Richie has used multiple times in his sketches.

He’s pretty sure his winning Karen over aswell, since he has even managed to get a small smile out of her, which is a hell of a lot more than he ever got from Sonia.

The others he knows only vaguely by the nicknames he gave them, ranging from boss man to toilet man, the latter spending all his time on the toilet if Eddie is anything to go by.

Still, Richie is very excited when he gets permission from Eddie to go with him, so much so that he’s practically bouncing on his foot whilst he gets ready. Eddie is less keen on going tonight, but that has nothing to do with the fact that Richie is going.

Ever since returning from Derry, the two of them don’t go out much. They meet up with the losers, but apart from that they usually spend their time inside of the confinements of their home, either fighting over he gets the remote, cooking, working or annoying the shit out of each other.

Neither of them want to either, they enjoy each other’s company, and those of the other members of the losers club. When they do go out, they always seem to run into someone they know giving them shit about being gay. ‘Oh Eddie, I thought you were still married to your wife?’ or ‘If it isn’t the trashmount with a boy. What happened couldn’t get enough girl anymore?’

Most of them don’t mean bad, and Eddie nor Richie are ashamed of their love, they’re just tired of having to explain over and over again, so they stay in.

Work parties are the worst for Eddie, who doesn’t even like most of his coworkers to begin with, but sometimes they are mandatory, and he has no choice but to drag his ass over there.

So Eddie grumbles his way through getting ready, shaving and brushing his teeth with a stern look on his face, picking out his and Richie’s cloths. ‘There’s no way I’m letting you dress yourself, you’ll look like a walking Christmas tree.’

They lose some time while they get ready because Richie tries to cheer Eddie up a bit, by threatening to dose him in cold water, welcoming the snappy warning Eddie sends his way.

By the time they make it to Eddie’s workplace, where the party is going to be held, it’s a quarter past nine, while they were supposed to be there at nine.

This does not do any wonders for Eddie’s mood, who’s scowl turns impossibly bigger. He almost trips over his own two feet in his haste to make it inside, but before they do, he tugs Richie aside by the hem of his sleeve.

‘Please act normal, I need this job alright?’

‘My Eds, you wound me. You think I would throw away your honor just for a few laughs from a couple of lads, I could never.’ Richie’s British voice thick his words with an accent, having the intended effect. A smile tugs up the sides of Eddie’s mouth, even when he desperately tries to hide it, rolling his eyes extravagantly.

‘See that’s what I mean dickhead, don’t do the fucking British guy or I’m dumping you.’

He’s clearly joking, so Richie doesn’t dignify it with a response, though he does snort a little in amusement. ‘Sir, yes sir.’ He calls out long after Eddie has turned his back, cackling when Eddie flips him the bird behind his back. Fondly, Richie follows him through the long corridors, first turning right, then left, left again to eventually enter a massive open space, not to far from the bathroom Richie always uses when he comes to visit.

‘Hey, if you want to get out of here, just use the word salmon for whatever, than we’ll skoot on right out of here, Eddie Spaghetti’, Richie whispers inconspicuously to Eddie, trying to avoid being heard by somebody else. He hopes he succeeded, but by the looks of it, he did.

Eddie shakes his head fondly, his hand interlocking with Richie’s with a warning squeeze.

‘Shut up you idiot’, he mumbles fondly, the look in his eyes radiating nothing but love for the man in next to him.  

They spot Anisa first, the sour look on her face melting away when she sees the two of them entering. She grabs two more drinks, balancing a total of three drinks in two hands, and offers it gracefully to them.

‘What took you guys so long?’ The voice of Bon Jovi booms through the room, originating from a djs-table in the left corner, making it hard to understand what she’s saying.

‘Mister clean over here had to be completely dosed up for this occasion, I think he changed cloths like three times, isn’t that right Eds?’ to be fair though, Eddie looks horrendously handsome, it’s almost criminal. His suit accentuates all the good features of his body, which is everything, his dress shoes make a squeaking noise every time they walk over the floor, and his hair is neatly combed back, making him look even more attractive than he already is daily.

A huff is forced out of him when he feels Eddie’s elbow dig slightly into his side. Eddie glare is turned up to a hundred.

‘Do you know how unsanitary it is to not wash every day? Do you know how many germs are transferred onto your hand by just touching a doorknob? If I didn’t wash up you know statistically speaking I have a 40% change of catching a disease? You know this asshole, why would you need to-‘

He’s intercepted by Anisa; ‘you two are so cute together’, and Richie couldn’t agree more. He takes a sip of his drink; which is champagne apparently, and is seconds away from asking Eddie who his boss is supposed to be, when a man Richie has never seen around the office makes an appearance, sliding in front Eddie’s left to give him a tight hug. By doing so, he breaks the link that Richie and Eddie hands still had, rudely shoving Richie slightly back.

He frowns, but does nothing as he waits for Eddie to introduce them. Anisa, who is still standing with them, looks to be as flabbergasted as he is.

‘Eddie, look at you. Handsome as always’, the man compliments while pulling back, his eyes shamelessly raking over Eddie’s form.

Eddie laughs politely, thanking him while reaching for Richie’s hand again. ‘Yeah, good to see you to Seth, this is my boyfriend Richie Tozier’, Eddie explains when the guy, Seth, makes no move to introduce himself.

Seth forces a curt nod towards Richie, not so much as a hello. It irks Richie to no end, but this might the one Eddie’s trying to impress, and Richie is not enough of an asshole to ruin Eddie’s chances because he’s annoyed.

‘I’m going to find Emmet, I’ll see you guys later’, Anisa tells them, as she turns around and walks off, something Richie would love to be doing now too.

He stays rooted to his spot though, trying to make himself as big as possible. It must look a bit ridiculous, but he can’t help it, there’s something about this guy.

‘So, have you managed to talk to the boss man yet? The guy really likes fresh workers.’ He tries to joke, but it falls flat, and Richie can’t help but feel smug and a little sympathetic towards the guy, so he laughs a bit awkwardly. It’s better than not responding at all, he argues, but then Seth levels him with such an annoyed look that Richie can’t help but feel a little intimidated by.

He hasn’t seen that sort of look since Sonya, and for all his joking about her, he really was terrified that she would manage to convince Eddie to stay away from for good. Uneasiness sweeps it’s way through Richie’s body, the only thing keeping him slightly calm and stable, is the hand he’s holding.

Richie tries to change the subject, to distract himself from how weird he finds the guy, by asking how he and Eddie know each other.

‘We collaborate on projects from time to time, Seth works for one of our client companies.’

‘Yeah, and we wouldn’t be coming back to the same firm if it wasn’t for Eddie over here,’ he gestures to Eddie as if Richie didn’t know who the fuck that was, ‘I’ve never had a more dedicated, ambitious, articulated, clever –‘

While he continues to dish out compliments, Richie reaches his arm over Eddie’s shoulders, pulling him flush to his side. Obviously it’s wonderful to hear compliments, and god knows Eddie deserves nothing but that, but it’s quite off putting that the same guy keeps praising him at every turn, and not even acknowledges his boyfriends presence instead being rude.

Eddie response by pressing a kiss to Richie’s cheek, which is a lot of PDA for him, maybe to sooth Richie, maybe because it was an automatic reflex, either way, Richie takes a deep breath and manages to hold his tongue till the guy is finished talking.

‘Yep, that’s my Eds, nothing but the best. I’m lucky to have him.’

He looks up from Eddie’s face to smile brightly in Seth’s vicinity, not even trying to compete with him, just being brutally honest.

‘He’s just as ambitious at home by the way, you should see the poses he can bend into when we’re-‘

‘Beep beep, Richie’, Eddie’s voice, sharp as the edge of a knife cuts in. ‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence you prick. And don’t call me that.’

Richie cackles, gripping his stomach with the one hand that isn’t occupied to stop himself from doubling over, Eddie’s angry face only making it worse.

‘Why do you call him Eds? He told you he doesn’t like that.’

Richie’s head snaps back up again, and this time, he feels actual anger. It’s one thing to flirt with Eddie in front of him, or be rude to him, Richie can deal with that, at least on the outside. But insulting their nicknames? He knows for a fact Eddie only tells him to stop calling him that out of habit, Eddie having admit to that himself, but this guy had no right commenting on it.

Eddie himself seems agitated now, in a truly fashion, one that he has never used to talk to Richie, but before he can say anything, another man steps their way, extending his hand and waiting for Eddie to shake it.

‘Mister Duke, how are you sir?’ Eddie asks a little nervously, and Richie lets his arm drop down. He refuses to let Eddie be denied this opportunity by homophobia, even if he isn’t sure that the man is homophobic, he’s not ready to take any changes.

With a gesture over his shoulder, Eddie follows who Richie presumes is his boss over to a table with man who looked like they stepped right out of the TV show suits, but Richie declines to walk with him.

Eddie needs a chance to prove himself, and Richie was just going to support him from where he was standing.

For a minute, he forgets Seth is still standing with him, until he opens his mouth again.

‘You know you’re only dragging him down right?’ He asks cruelly.

Richie frowns at him, his hands closed in fists, trying to lure himself away from his breaking point.

‘He would do much better with me. What do you have to offer? Money? I’ve got plenty of that, and at least I have status. Some small town comedian who flunked at his show that one time, and still hasn’t made a comeback yet. You look about as disheveled as a homeless men, and I can’t say I see much love between the two of you. You annoy him, and you might find it funny, respectable people don’t. Leave him before you ruin him like you ruined yourself. I could take better care of him than you ever could.’

After his monologue, he stares Richie down with a cocky expression, seemingly daring Richie to respond. When he doesn’t get one in ten seconds, he trudges on, probably to on to the next person to bother.

Richie feels like all the bones in his body have turned to liquid as he struggles to stay upright. For a moment he gazes around the room in shame, because it seems like a scene from a movie where everyone looks on to the bully annihilating some nerd, as that is the exact same emotion Richie comprehends, before he realizes that everyone is caught up in their own conversation, and he too walks off, going to the bathroom.

He knows Eddie will search for him when he’s done with his conversation, but for a moment that thought is put on the back-burner as he starts to get a little faint. It takes longer than it usually does to reach the toilet door, in the meanwhile he’s had to shrug Emmet of and ignore Anisa’s callout, but none of that matters when he finally gets there.

As soon as the door closes behind him, a loud sob leaves his throat. Only one sob is allowed to leave his lips, he argues with himself, so he resumes to silent tears only after that.

Overreactor, his traitorous mind hisses at him, and he knows it’s right, but he can’t help how he feels. He survived a fucking clown alien attacking him, and even that didn’t make him cry until he thought Eddie might have died.

However, he knows that Seth had a point, Richie is really not good enough for Eddie. And maybe Seth could be, at the very least, he did have a stable job, and he thinks highly of Eddie, maybe he was right, and he should leave Eddie so he can grow to his full potential.

Some times goes by while he’s thinking it over, and in the meanwhile he has moved to wash his face by the washing bins, scrubbing the area around his eyes to make it appear like he wasn’t crying. As he’s doing this, he hears Eddie call out to him. ‘Hey dickhead, you in here?’

The door whips open, clashing against the wall with a loud bang so hard that Richie flinches for a moment. A worried looking Eddie is standing in the door opening, his tie undone atop his blazer, and his frantic eyes searching the door, calming down slightly when he sees Richie.

‘Hey, why are you taking so long, you fall in the toilet or something?’ Eddie tries, a futile attempt at ignorance, Richie can clearly see how perturbed he is, but he’s kind enough to let Richie come to him.

Instead of telling Eddie the things that are on his mind, Richie tries to force a way around the topic, by using humor and creating a joke. ‘Well Eds, I was just about to call your mom, to declare my love for her.’

‘Richie’, Eddie sighs, running a hand over his face like he’s trying to mentally prepare himself? By the tone of his voice, Richie understands that Eddie is asking him to tell the truth, to speak what’s on his mind, but that can be so hard sometimes, so in lieu of having a conversation with Eddie, Richie starts to cry.

A hand pushes it’s way up to his mouth, trying to desperately to muffle the cries of despair, shame was again white hot present in his mind. Eddie looks shocked for about a second flat, before rushing over to Richie, grabbing his neck and pushing his head against the crook of his shoulder, rubbing his own hand up and down Richie’s back, and the other one through his hair.  

‘Rich, it’s okay. You can talk to me dumbass, that’s what boyfriends are supposed to do.’

There’s nothing but silence for a few minutes, which Eddie grants Richie, just trying to get him to calm down.

‘do you ever doubt our relationship?’ Richie finally asks, feeling the way Eddie’s entire body freezes up as if he was told Pennywise was back.

Richie hurries to continue. ‘I mean, if I’d had to choose between me and Seth, I’d pick Seth too. He has a good job and I might be out of one after waiting so long to go on stage again, and I look ridicules, and I push your buttons,’ Richie takes a break to gulp in a large gush of air. ’I’m just saying, I’d get if you would want to break up with me.’

Yet, when Eddie pulls back slightly, Richie panics before letting him get too far. Eddie laughs again, still close enough that their noses are pressed together with Richie bend down the way he is.

‘Hey Rich, you’re really fucking stupid you know that?’ Eddie says with a voice so incredibly soft and fond, Richie nearly melts to a puddle. He’s still stroking curl after curl on Richie’s head, comforting him best he can when they’re in a public bathroom.

‘You’ll have a job. You’re so good at being funny Richie. Even if I don’t say that enough. Besides, let’s say you don’t, you will but just hypothetically, I don’t care about that. I only want to spend time with you. You dress like a toddler, but I like that, it makes you look goofy, just like your personality.’

With a smile that’s showing his teeth, Eddie presses a quick kiss on Richie’s mouth, pulling back fast and firing two more in rapid succession.

‘I love you Rich. Not fucking Seth, Fuck that guy. I could never want to be with him, ever. I mean it when I say I love you dickwad, despite my questionable decision, I choose you.’

Richie giggles, hearty when Eddie stands on his tippy toes to kiss his forehead, and for a moment he feels like he’s five years old. He’s glad to have Eddie, and he’s even more satisfied that Eddie wants him back. Not amnesia could stand in their way, he’s so idiotic to believe a guy from Eddie’s fucking job could.

‘Now, come on. First I have to kick Seth’s ass for making my boyfriend cry. I have to set an example here. Then we’ll go home and cuddle okay? We'll clean the salmon or whatever the fuck sentence I'm supposed to make with that and skoot on home’

Richie shakes his head negatively, ‘what about your job promotion?’

As if suddenly remembering so, Eddie grins like a cat that go the cream.

‘Don’t worry about that, I got the job.’

When they cuddle at night in their bad, after a heavy make out session, and a small skype party with the losers in honor of Eddie’s promotion, Richie falls asleep, safely knowing that Eddie was with him, and he no matter what, he wasn’t leaving.  

[canarycontessa]

in no particular order, things I've learned having PCOS

1.  Root cause, root causes, ROOT CAUSES. 

Do you know what the course of treatment looks like if you don't address root causes? It looks like a bandaid for each individual symptom: progesterone to "jumpstart" your hormones (which you can only take for a few months before it starts fucking with your bones), metformin for your insulin issues, electrolysis or waxing for your facial hair, etc. 

NONE OF WHICH gets down to root causes or is in any way approaching a permanent solution (with the possible exception of laser hair removal or electrolysis). 

I’m not knocking these things; if they help in any way and fit your course of action, go for it. But these things are not a cure. There is no formal cure for PCOS, but the thing that puts it in a kind of remission is a complete sea change in terms of how you eat, sleep, exercise, and just generally live your life. Everything from the eggs you buy to the type of pads you use is up for reevaluation.

2.  Exercise does not (directly) affect fat loss, only muscle gain, body comp and hormone regulation. Know it’s benefits and its limits in your regimen. Or, you cannot out-exercise a poor diet. 

Your particular relationship to the scale is something you need to nail down and fast. If you know you’re obsessive and prone to daily weighing, get rid of the scale entirely. If you like tracking yourself week to week, go ahead. Either way, please know that your progress wrt: diet and exercise aren’t always going to be reflected on the scale. 

Unless you’re doing some sort of bodybuilder bulking/cutting thing, then you’re typically going to lose fat WHILE gaining muscle if you have a sensible plan. This can translate to looking better and losing inches while staying the same or even going up on the scale. Don’t be fooled. 

All of this goes for everybody, really, but it goes double and triple for people with PCOS. Get the “calories in/calories out” mindset out of your head. Focus on your hormonal balance. Go by how your clothes fit, how you look naked, how you feel when you move, the feats you become capable of that you weren’t before.  

3.  Your desires are not shallow. No, not even your "shallow" ones. Wanting to look good naked, wanting to not have stubble or hyperpigmentation, and wanting a sex drive that’s more on-point is just as valid as wanting to have a baby or wanting to prevent your prediabetes from becoming full blown diabetes. Period. No buts. I said what I said. And if anyone tells you otherwise or tries to make these things seem frivolous? 

Tune them the fuck out. 

You’re the one who has to live with this disorder, not them, so they can fuck right off. Yes, even your doctor or your mother or your boyfriend or your minister or whoever the fuck. Yes, even other people with PCOS. 

I say this as someone who never has and never will want children, and is more concerned with preserving my health and beauty well into my middle age than I am with fertility. I’m not curing cancer, but neither is any broad that wants to get knocked up. 

We each want what we want. Let’s leave each other to our own wants, shall we?

4.  There's a limit to what a doctor can (or sometimes is even willing) to do for you here, so you have to take the wheel. Remember what I said about band aids? Unless you go to an endocrinologist or someone who specializes in hormonal/reproductive health or just a general practitioner who gives a damn, you’re not going to find an abundance of help with a doctor. 

It’s sad to say, but a lot of general practitioners are either unequipped, underqualified, uninformed or (worst case scenario) just flat out uninterested in helping with what they consider a nebulous disorder at best, or a series of low-priority nuisance issues at worst. 

My main solution to this is to understand deeply and unwaveringly: They may be the doctor, but you are the expert on your own lived experience. Find a doctor that not only knows their business, but who knows that you two are a team.

I’ve been lucky enough to experience both ends of this spectrum. Yes, even the bad ones. 

I’ve had the best insurance money could buy utterly wasted on a doctor that spent months of my time telling me my kidneys were shutting down due to blood in my urine when I already made it clear that the “blood in my urine” was actually my menorrhagia. He completely discounted my lived experience of menstruating for a full 15 - 20 days out of EVERY MONTH and came up with a disorder of his own, wasting so much time sending me back for renal scans whenever the “blood in my urine” didn’t correspond to my test results reflecting perfectly normal kidneys. This guy outright told me that he was more concerned with my hypertension than he was with addressing anything else going on with me. As if it wasn’t all connected.  

I’ve also had supposedly lesser medical staff that took my concerns seriously, conducted examinations promptly, listened to what I had to say and actually laid out what my options were so that I could decide how we should proceed from there. It was one of these places that actually found out that what I’d been dealing with for years was PCOS, giving the beast that tormented me a name so I could draw a target on its back. They broke down their methodology for determining it into layman terms I could understand: 

“your period has these abnormalities, you have these visual markers (skin tags, facial hair, hyperpigmentation), your insulin is up in the prediabetic range and you have multiple benign but problematic cysts on your ovaries. We’ll test a few other hormonal markers in your blood and urine panel but otherwise it’s safe to say you have PCOS”      

5.  There will be people will treat your illness as trivial, not real, a product of unclean living, a product of hysteria and/or all in your head. Even loved ones. Even doctors Even yourself, at times.

6.  Hopelessness and discouragement are almost literally parts of this illness, so treat them as you would any other symptom. I say almost literally because mood swings and a higher probability of depression come with the turf. Also, the uphill battle you’re facing from medical professionals (see Item 4) and even your loved ones just piles onto all this. Overall, this hormonal disorder just wears you down. Self care becomes even more important than ever before, as does finding a community of other women dealing with this.  

7.  Don't get sucked into terf shit while trying to reclaim your femininity. This isn’t really about the disorder itself, I just really wanted to sound off on this right quick (keep in mind I’m a cis woman saying this, I’m not as informed about trans issues as a trans person, but I’m trying to be a good neighbor here. Please do your own research and please understand that hitting up your nearest trans person doesn’t count as research. Google is free and there are literally so many academic and anecdotal resources).

My POV on this is as a cisgender black woman with this disorder. I’ve had my femininity questioned, mocked, and outright denied (misogynoir at its finest) since I was a child. I’ve seen people both overtly and subtly project their weird ideas about gender onto me. And yet I know I don’t go through even a TENTH of the bullshit and violence that trans women of color do. My pain may be legitimate, but it does not give me or anyone with any integrity a free pass to turn the trans community into one big punching bag for my own frustrations.    

There’s nothing terfs love more than preying on vulnerable women that they feel they can recruit. Learn to spot the dogwhistles and reject the sales pitch. They’ll try to court you and make you feel so understood and welcome. Don’t fall for it. I don’t care if J.K. Rowling herself becomes your best buddy. Don’t go there. 

[bytheangell]

To Fall Again

(Read on AO3) Square Filled: Inter-dimensional Travel for @shadowhunterbingo Pairing: Jimon  Rating: Teen and Up  – Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Tags: Multiple Universes, pre-fic character death, angst with a happy ending Summary:   Simon Lewis didn’t think moving on was possible. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready to fall in love again. It’s a good thing life rarely waits until you’re ready. NOTE/WARNING: There is no character death that happens within the current timeline of this fic, but there is one that takes place just prior. However, all versions of the characters who appear in and are the focus of the fic itself are, and remain, alive and well!  -------------

Simon Lewis never expected to love again after Jace Herondale. Like everything that came with Jace, their love exploded shortly after the fuse was lit, a brilliant burst of excitement and color and adventure and passion. Most flames that burn as bright as Jace did would be expected to burn out just as fast, but he never did.

And he never would have, Simon was almost certain - too bad they never got the chance to find out before his light was snuffed out instead.

Jace worked as a bounty hunter, it was the family business, and they knew the dangers. They did what they could to mitigate the risks but it wasn’t enough. After it happened Simon wondered if he had it in him to take revenge - he and Jace were polar opposites when it came to a lot of things, a stomach for violence included, but Simon thought he might have it in him for this.

For Jace.

He didn’t get the chance to find out as Jace’s siblings took care of that for all of them. They also looked out for Simon during those first few weeks when he barely left the house, never answered his phone or texts, and was very obviously not doing great. When it was clear Simon needed a change of pace - or at the very least to start leaving the apartment again - they convinced him to take on a part-time bartending job with his friend Maia. They want him to be happy, he knows that - hell, he can tell they even want him to move on - but he knows the latter is impossible and he isn’t so sure of the former if he’s being honest.

He takes the job anyway if only to make ends meet without needing help from the Lightwoods. It turns out to be one of the best decisions he ever made.

New New York is too busy of a city for Simon but he can’t bring himself to move. Ever since it was branded as a centralized hub for Official Interdimensional Travel the influence of people passing through from other worlds nearly quadrupled. Simon is still weirded out by the common use of portals between worlds but many others take full advantage - some looking to start over, others to simply get away for a day or two. A lot of missionary sort of work from more advanced universes to struggling ones, which is cool and all. It’s just a lot, and not for Simon.

Until he sees Jace again.

It’s only been four months since the funeral when Simon catches sight of the familiar blonde hair walking away from him. He does a double-take and nearly brushes it off like he usually does - it wouldn’t be the first time he saw a stranger in a crowd and thought for just a moment it was Jace, knowing full well that it wasn’t - except there’s something more to it this time. Something about the way the figure carries himself, the style of that leather jacket, and when he drops something and turns around to pick it up Simon sees his face for the first time and nearly faints.

It’s actually Jace, but it isn’t his Jace - even from here Simon can see he’s missing a scar on his neck that Jace got when one of his bounties had a hidden knife they didn’t find when they searched him and tried to get free, managing to get one good swipe in before Jace knocked the weapon away.

So not his Jace, but still… Jace.

And then just as quickly he’s gone, lost in the crowd. By the time Simon manages to gather himself enough to try and follow there’s no sign of him anywhere, and Simon doesn’t stop thinking about it for a very long time.

---

The next time Simon spots him he’s coming out from the back with four plates of food, two in his hands and two balanced on his arms.

All four drop to the ground with an unceremonious clatter when the sight of Jace sitting on one of the barstools catches him off-guard.

“Simon, what the fuc-” Maia starts, fully ready to tear into him over the food that’ll have to probably be comped off that group’s bill and re-made on the fly, but when she catches sight of the blonde at the bar she softens immediately.

“Take 30, Lewis. I’ll clean this up.”

Simon stands there, unsure of what to do. Does he leave? Does he talk to him? How does he even begin to-

“Hey, you alright?” Jace asks, leaning over the counter a bit towards Simon.

“No,” Simon says immediately.

“It’s just… you’re looking at me like you’ve seen a ghost.”

A ghost. Close enough.

“I.. you…” Simon starts, but he can’t seem to find the words. “Jace, right?”

“Jonathan,” Jace says.

Jonathan Christopher.

“And you are…?” Jace - no, Jonathan - asks.

It hurts Simon to hear, to realize he doesn’t know, but of course he doesn’t. Why would he?

“Simon,” Simon says, with a small, sad smile.

“You’re still staring, Simon,” Jonathan points out.

“Shit, sorry. I should go-”

“Wait,” Jonathan stops him. “Why? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“You look like my ex,” Simon says, then cringes when he realizes how that sounds. “He, uh. He died.”

“Oh,” Jonathan says. “I’m sorry. I should go-”

“No, please,” Simon says, not intending for his voice to sound as pleading as it does. “I’d actually, uh… I mean if you’re going to sit for a drink, maybe we can just chat? Unless that’s too weird. That’s too weird, isn’t it?”

Jonathan smiles, and god, there’s that grin Simon fell in love with. “Not at all. I’ve got an hour or two before I have to head home.”

Simon takes the next hour off - Maia is very understanding - to talk to Jonathan about his life and where he’s from, but it’s over too quickly and soon he’s on his way, back to a universe without Simon.

A universe where he’s still alive and well and thriving.

Simon wonders how many more versions of him are out there.

He never expects to actually find out.

---

The answer is a lot. It seems like no dimension is complete without its own Jace Herondale, or occasionally Wayland or Morgenstern. Sometimes he goes by Jonathan or J.C.; sometimes he’s a chef, or a soldier, or a pianist; sometimes he recognizes Simon and sometimes he doesn’t... but at the core of him, he’s always just Jace.

Simon talks to one or two of them when they cross paths, usually stopping in for food or a drink during their travels. The only problem is that they’re always on the way to somewhere, and never stay long enough for him to really get to know.

He knows how absurd that desire is, the desire to have these other Jace’s stay, and-- and what? Because whatever Jace comes through isn’t his Jace - he has a job, a family, an entire life to get back to, he doesn’t want to stay and comfort Simon.

Until one does.

Jace Herondale is the grandson of Imogen Herondale, a well known and wealthy politician in the dimension he’s from. He travels for fun because he’s a bit of a troublemaker and his family decided it was better to let him wander and do his own thing if that’s what keeps the family name from being dragged through the dirt.

Simon knows this because they talk, and when it becomes increasingly apparent that Simon doesn’t intend on kicking him out of the bar Jace stays until close and then admits he doesn’t have anywhere else to be if Simon wanted to grab a nightcap.

They end up back at Simon’s apartment. Nothing happens, but they talk some more, and Jace stays the night on the sofa. He stays the night after that, and the one after that, too. Simon offers to trade-off and take the sofa, and when Jace refuses he hesitantly offers to share the bed instead.

Just to sleep, they agree - until sleeping together leads to, well, sleeping together, and Simon isn’t sure how he feels about it.

Simon is, however, sure how he feels when this Jace Herondale leaves a week later with murmured apologies about needing to do some damage control back home.

After that, Simon goes a little numb. It’s like losing Jace twice, in a way - he knows it isn’t the same, he knows he shouldn’t have hoped for this new thing to last, but he had. And now that it’s gone his heart breaks all over again at the cold, empty space beside him in bed.

He tries to ignore the next time he catches sight of another dimension’s Jace, except it’s one where Jace knows him, so Jace approaches Simon instead. Attempting to avoid him is one thing, but Simon can’t bring himself to brush off Jace once he’s standing there in front of him with that infectious smile and gleam of mischief in his eyes.

Simon can’t bring himself to grow too attached, so he does the only logical thing: he shuts down entirely. He tries to convince himself he’s fine with one night stands, forces himself to go through the motions with the constant reminder that it isn’t him, that there’s nothing there.

He hates it.

Perhaps the lesson he’s meant to take away is that he needs to stop trying. No one else is going to fit the mold of exactly what he needs, to know what he’s going through and what he’s missing. They can’t, and he shouldn’t expect them to.

The easy solution is to go back to passing acquaintances - little chats from behind the bar that end there with nothing more. No hopes to crash, no expectations to fall short of. Better than nothing, and safe.

He’s okay with it. Not the fake, forced okay he was with the casual hook-ups, but actually okay. It’s a taste of what he wants, of what he’s missing, and since he knows he can’t have it all it’s a realistic expectation to allow himself.

And then for a while, he stops crossing paths with any other Jace’s, or J.C.’s, or Jonathan’s. He wonders if maybe they warned all the other dimensions about the weirdo bartender in New New York who talks too much and always manages to say the wrong thing, and maybe they’re avoiding him. Or maybe he just came across as many as there were, and that’s it. After all, there may be an infinite number of realities, or dimensions, or whatever out there, but it isn’t as if they have access to all of them. He should be lucky to have found as many as he did.

Days pass, and then weeks, and then months. It never gets easy, but it gets a little easier, and Simon finds himself falling into a pretty solid routine. He’s made some friends at work, mostly through Maia, but they still totally count and they all go out some nights after work. And work is actually going great - he’s an assistant manager under Maia now, which only comes back to bite him in the ass sometimes.

Sometimes like this night, in particular, exactly one year after Jace’s death, when he decides to cover for not only Maia who is on vacation but two other employees who called out sick. And of course, there’s some sort of bachelorette party or something that drags at least twenty customers to the bar who seem determined to order non-stop overly complicated mixed drinks and shots - on top of the entire rest of the restaurant’s worth of drinks he has to make. He wanted a distraction tonight, sure, but maybe he should’ve been a bit more careful what he wished for because he’s about to lose his goddamn mind, and--

--and then there he is. On this day, of all the days, it feels more like seeing a ghost than ever before. His blonde hair falls softly across his forehead and into his eye, and he pushes it away just as he looks up and makes eye contact with Simon. Jace. Of course, there would be a fucking Jace doppelganger here, tonight, right now, and-

“Si?”

Jace’s voice is soft, pained, and Simon’s thoughts stop dead. As does the rest of him. He has a million things to do and is in the middle of turning around with a bottle in his hand to make some shot with a name he can’t repeat with a straight face, but he just freezes at the way Jace is looking at him. Unlike the other times, this feels different, somehow. Like fate, a small voice in the back of his head offers, but Simon is quick to quiet it.

And then someone is literally snapping their fingers to get his attention and he doesn’t have much of a choice other than to give Jace an apologetic grimace before mouthing ‘sorry’ and going back to making drinks.

He keeps an eye on him, though, watching as Jace lingers before finally approaching the bar. Simon is still drowning in drink orders but since Jace is actually at the bar now he can at least go over for a second, even just to see what drink he wants.

“Can I get something for you?”

“What?” Jace asks, then shakes his head. “Oh. No,” he starts, but then seems to realize that means Simon is going to leave again so he quickly amends his answer. “I mean, yeah. I’ll take a rum and cola.”

Simon nods, and grabs for the bottle and the soda hose, pressing the ‘cola’ button and watching as the brown carbonated soda mixes with the bottle of rum he turns over into the glass at the same time.

“Sorry,” Jace says as Simon makes the drink. “About earlier. That was creepy of me. I didn’t mean to be- it’s just you-” Jace stumbles over his words.

“You have a Simon, in your world, don’t you?” Simon offers, and Jace looks relieved that Simon understands.

“Yeah,” he says, and Simon notes the way he hasn’t broken eye contact since he came over like Jace is afraid to look away and lose him even though Simon clearly isn’t going anywhere other than the other side of the bar and back.

“Hey, another drink down here, sometime tonight maybe!” An impatient man yells from the other end of the bar, and Simon winces.

It’s only then Jace looks away from him and down the bar. “Are you alone back there?”

Simon nods. “Perks of being the boss, I guess. Everyone else called out,” he admits. “It’s fine,” he adds quickly.

“Doesn’t look fine,” Jace points out.

“Fine, it isn’t fine. I’m dying. I think my wrists are going to fall off and if I have to make one more buttery nipple shot for that bachelorette party I might actually cry,” Simon admits in a rush. “Happy now?”

“No,” Jace says. “But I can help.”

Before Simon knows what’s happening Jace’s rum and cola is empty and Jace moves to the small opening at the end of the bar.

“You can’t come back here,” Simon says, but Jace only cocks an eyebrow.

“Says who? You’re the boss, aren’t you?” Jace grabs a nearby white towel and drapes it over his shoulder, already rolling up his shirtsleeves. “Want the help, or not?”

Simon knows that Maia will have his head for this but right now he can’t be bothered to worry that far ahead. He just needs to survive until close. “Ask me if you can’t find something, or don’t know a recipe, or-”

“Relax, Simon. We got this,” Jace promises, and Simon can already feel the panic and tension fading at the reassurance.

They do have this. In fact, they work together so well anyone watching would think they’d been doing it for years, and by the end of the night they’re calling out for bottles closer to the other and tossing them back and forth without a second thought. Simon doesn’t know if Jace is just good at making things up as he goes or if he really knows his stuff, but he doesn’t ask about a single order that comes his way, and they clear out the last customer minutes after closing.

Simon counts out the register, takes well over half the tips they made that night, and folds the bills over to hand to Jace.

Jace looks at the money like he’s never seen it before. “Keep it,” he says.

“You just saved my ass,” Simons points out. “It’s the least I can do.”

Jace only shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Just… being here. This? This is more than enough. You have no idea-” he starts, but the words catch in his throat. “Sorry, I should go.”

“Wait,” Simon says, instinctively reaching out to grab Jace’s wrist to stop him. He knows he shouldn’t - just passing acquaintances, he reminds himself. But there’s something different about this time, about this Jace. “What is it?”

Jace hesitates, and then in a voice so quiet Simon almost doesn’t hear it, says, “I lost you.”

Jace realizes the slip-up the moment it leaves his lips. “Him,” Jace is quick to correct. “I lost him. My Simon.”

Simon isn’t sure what look crosses his face at that, but whatever it is has Jace shaking his head back and forth. “Yep, that’s too weird. I knew it would be. It’s just… it’s been a year, and you aren’t the first Simon I’ve run into from another place, but when I saw you here, tonight, it was like… like…”

“Like fate,” Simon offers, voicing the thought he had previously. “It isn’t too weird,” Simon adds because he doesn’t want this Jace to leave, not yet at least. “I lost you, too.”

Simon wraps up his shift faster than he ever has before, moving fast despite the exhaustion he feels starting to settle in. Jace sits at an empty table while Simon finishes everything he has to do to close the bar down, having a drink or two while he waits, and then Simon makes a drink of his own before joining him.

The longer they talk the more Simon knows the similarities are too specific to not mean something. It’s been a year to the date for both of them, they both had an Alec and Isabelle and Maia of their own to help them through, and Jace was a bartender before he and his Simon met.

“I actually haven’t poured a drink since,” Jace admits, swirling the liquid in his glass around a bit. “It was a totally random robbery-gone-wrong, and Si was playing a set at the bar that night. Wrong place, wrong time.”

“My Jace’s was an occupational hazard. He was a bounty hunter,” Simon admits, and the Jace in front of him spits out his drink in shock.

“I what?” he says, eyes wide. “Fuck that’s intense.”

Simon laughs. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

The hours pass and soon it’s late, they’re both a little on the other side of sober, and it’s obvious that Simon can’t send Jace off alone like this, not that Jace seems to have any inclination to leave on his own. Simon waits for the little voice in his head to tell him to send Jace back home anyway, that this is all just going to lead to awkwardness and regret and disappointment… but the voice never comes.

Simon can definitely feel that it’s different this time, and he’s pretty sure Jace can, too, because they get each other in ways that the others never had. It isn’t that Jace’s Simon broke up with him, or that they never dated, or that they never met each other at all. This time each knows exactly what the other needs because, for the first time, they’ve both been through the same loss.

They get back to Simon’s apartment and Simon tosses Jace a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt to change into. Neither of them says anything but Jace has to realize it’s a pair that used to belong to Simon’s Jace with how perfectly they fit him.

“I can sleep on the sofa,” Jace offers, but Simon shakes his head.

“You don’t have to. I mean, if you’d rather, that’s fine. But… I wouldn’t mind the company.” Simon doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath in anticipation until Jace nods and makes his way towards the bed, and all of the tension and anxiousness eases out of Simon at once. Jace goes to the left side - his side - and Simon goes to the right.

He doesn’t have to ask as he moves forward at the same time Jace shifts back toward him, their bodies fitting together perfectly, and Simon begins to drift off with his arm wrapped around Jace, lulled to sleep by the steady rise and fall of his breathing.

-------------

For a few moments, Simon forgets where he is. He’s wrapped around the warmth of another body, just like he dreamed of so many times - except this isn’t a dream. In fact, this is more than he let himself even dream of lately. For a moment Simon forgets and it’s as if nothing bad has ever happened in his life.

But then Jace stirs beneath him and he’s forced to acknowledge the reality of his situation - that this, like all the other times, can’t stay forever. Simon just waits for the other shoe to drop while they wake up, and eat breakfast, and spend some more time talking and even watching some mindless reality tv show; until Simon has to go to work and has an awkward moment where he expects Jace to leave with him, except Jace stays on the sofa.

“I’m… I have to go to work,” Simon says, not for the first time that day.

It seems to click very abruptly in Jace’s head that this isn’t his place, and of course Simon expects him to leave when he leaves.

“Oh. Right. I’ll just…” Jace starts, and only at that moment does it become apparent to Simon that Jace hadn’t planned on leaving.

“You can stay, if you want,” Simon is quick to tell him. “I’ll be back in a few hours. There’s plenty of food, and the tv, and video games and stuff?” He sounds unsure, but Jace almost immediately eases back into the sofa.

“Thanks,” Jace says, and Simon realizes he’s relieved that he can stay.

Jace also stays the day after that. And the day after that.

And Simon realizes, slowly but surely, that Jace doesn’t plan on leaving.

Simon brings up the fact that Jace has an entire life he just casually up and left- not because he particularly wants to, but because he knows they have to talk about it eventually - but Jace just shrugs.

“I told Alec and Izzy where I am. I think they’re actually kind of relieved to know I’m at least out and about” Jace says, settling back against Simons’ shoulder while they watch a movie on Simon’s day off. “But whenever you want me to leave just tell me. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

That’s just it - Simon doesn’t want him to leave. Ever. But he also can’t bring himself to say it, so instead, he just mumbles something noncommittal and turns back to the movie.

It’s nearly a week later when Jace tells him he’s going back home to check in with his siblings. Simon doesn’t expect him to come back at all, figuring this has to be it, this is Jace’s way of sliding off without making a scene and the inevitable heartbreak Simon feared all along.

Jace leaves, and Simon fully expects to never see him again.

So when Simon’s getting ready for bed that night and he hears a knock at the door, his heartbeat races at the implications. It can’t be… can it?

When he opens the door to see Jace on the other side, suitcase in tow, he doesn’t know what to say.

“Hey,” Jace starts. “I know this is… well, Alec said it was ‘incredibly presumptive’, but… I’d like to stay. If you’ll have me. And if not, if it’s too much, or too weird, I get it, and just say the word and I’ll go back-”

Simon steps forward to close the space between them, cutting off Jace’s rambling by pressing their lips together for the first time. It doesn’t feel like the first time, though - it feels like this is where he’s always meant to be. Jace kisses him back, leaning into the motion easily.

“Only I can nervous-ramble that much,” Simon informs him matter-of-factly after they pull away.

Jace laughs, and it sounds like the sweetest music. It sounds like hope and happiness; like everything Simon worked so hard to keep himself from feeling for the better part of the past year.

“You’re welcome as long as you’d like,” Simon reassures him, stepping aside so Jace has more than enough room to come in and make himself at home.

And Jace does. It isn’t long before it feels like their home again, the way Simon hadn’t realized he missed as much as he did.

Simon knows that true second chances are rare - he had enough ‘almost’s pass through his life to recognize this one for what it is. It isn’t going to be the same as before, but it doesn’t need to be: he has a second chance at love, and he plans on taking it.

[thewertsearch]

Asks Comp - 16/4

I literally did not know The Baby Is You was a thing. To be welcomed back into the comic like this after four months is very on brand for Homestuck.

... and wow, its outro really does match the end of this song, doesn't it? That's even funnier than if he'd snuck some of Megalovania in there.

Ooh, that's another liveblog I'll want to check out when I'm done! I've never actually seen a Worm liveblog before. Adding it to the list myself!

Nothing's really changed since I've been gone! I make a conscious effort not to do much Homestuck analysis off-blog, since I want my journey to be fully documented here.

It's good to be back! I'm looking forward to a full reread when I'm done.

Would you believe I didn't even know there was a book?

I also didn't know the movie had two (allegedly) terrible sequels, which is very funny. Neverending story indeed.

Thank you! I can't take too much credit, though - most of my tagging system has been crowdsourced from askers!

At some point, before we reach the end of the comic, I'm going to have to formalize my approach to liveblogging Homestuck's side content.

What I'll probably do is give each of them the 'lite' treatment initially, but if they turn out to be more canonical than I thought, or particularly interesting to liveblog, I'll 'zoom in', and analyze them properly. We'll see how we go!

Could you imagine the relationship dynamics in your average troll soap opera? The shipping web for a single season would make our heads explode.

It's a fun question. What sort of object symbolizes everything?

The first thing I'd try would be a star chart, Dave's magnifier and a literal planetful of Grist.

Added to the list! Not until later later on, though - I'd worry that the opinions and theories of another liveblogger could interfere with my own, especially if they're talking about it with someone who's already read it!

I would find it hard to disagree.

Do people think Act 1 is pointless?

I mean, it is the slowest Act in terms of pacing, but slow pacing isn't always a bad thing. You sort of have to take it slow when your readers have this much to get to grips with.

...okay, maybe we didn't need quite as many Sylladex mishaps as we got. But we still needed some. Homestuck has a lot to introduce you to.

I always pictured an English accent for Hass - although, interestingly, I didn't picture one for Jade. As a headcanon, I like the NZ one better.

Where did Grandpa grow up again, actually? He was raised by Fake Mark Twain, who was from Missouri - but I don't have a clue what a Missouri accent sounds like, let alone one from a century ago. I have a funny feeling that it's not the accent I'm imagining coming from Jade.

Now that's a ship I'd never have seen coming. Props to Hussie for coming up with something more controversial than my Feferi<>Equius.

All four kids, with four endgame weapons, might be able to challenge Jack's current incarnation - but they're not going to get the chance. You've hit the nail on the head - he's semi-perfect Jack for a reason.

I have several theories for Jade's prototyping, and every single one of them would make Jack even more dangerous than before. It's just barely possible to challenge him now, but things will only get worse.

Read the room, Serket!

Would Vriska have tried to negotiate? She feels like the type of person who'd rather take a beating than admit they're outclassed. Plus, I'm not sure how much she'd have to offer Aradia, who seemed entirely motivated by revenge (and, possibly, secretly motivated by timeline stuff).

All that said, I would have loved to hear Vriska trying to worm her way out of this.

I love it! Please send in the completed house, if you get the chance. That's going to look so cool with a moving meteor.

And they're both easily distractible! This feels like two people who might actually get on surprisingly well, if they were in, say, the same high school class.

It's hard to say what's a rarepair, since I don't know what ships are rare in the fandom - although I'd have a few guesses about the most common ones.

If we're going for a ship with very tenuous connections, I will submit Rose x Feferi for your appraisal. They're both fans of the Noble Circle, and their signature colors are pretty close.

You know what, I'll just review all of your ships. Tavros/Gamzee - PB&J - is pretty cute. [] I'd recommend Miracle Child for a number of reasons, but it does include a well-written Gamtav. Jack/Droog is more <> to me than it is <3. Like One Sundered Star might be influencing that? I'm not really sure. Somewhere I think I saw a Jack<>Droog. Your pre-shipping chart post isn't in the chrono; also, I'm pretty sure the A6A6I5 ask is one of mine. Gamzee/Eridan is a rarepair; I've seen it, but not often, and it's a <> in the fic I'm referencing. Kanaya<>Terezi and Feferi<>Vriska are strange enough that I've never seen them anywhere, really. [] And finally, Vriska and Tavros. These two are the textbook example of why the ashen quadrant needs to exist, and they're a perfect pair for it. [] ~LOSS (8/1/23)

I don't even know if Carapacians have moirallegiance - but those two would definitely work if they did.

Out of all my ships you flagged as rare, I think my favorite is Feferi<>Vriska. I just think they'd gel weirdly well together!

[peachblossomstudy]

10 questions tag game ✨

i was tagged by the lovely @chazza-studies-alevels and @myhoneststudyblr

rules: answer ten questions and then ask ten of your own!

i kinda went overboard on this so it’s reealllyy long, the answers will be under the cut!

chazza’s questions:

1. if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be and why?

at the moment i’d say erase covid-19 (obviously) but other than that it would probably be completely wipe out climate change. there’s so much to change about the world that it’s hard to pick just one thing and so easy to get accused of ignoring other issues, but we’ll have more time to sort other issues if the planet isn’t being destoryed.

2. what’s your favourite quality in yourself?

ooh that’s a hard one, i don’t normally like talking about good things about myself in fear of sounding vain, but i think i’d say my intelligence.

3. what’s your favourite quality in other people?

i love it when people are quick to show love outwardly and welcome you into their life, it just feels like you’re much more connected and happy.

4. what’s something you wish you could do?

at the moment i wish i could go places without feeling anxious about the current situation, but outside of that i wish i could have time to improve my coding skills and then actually make something useful.

5. if you could live anywhere, where would you?

cambridge, definitely! i really want to go to cambridge for uni and it’s just such a beautiful city!

6. who is your biggest inspiration and why?

i don’t really have a famous inspiration, but i recently started watching filmbyzeb on youtube and his life is pretty much what i want to do - he’s studying computer science at queens college, cambridge and it just seems so amazing!!

7. why did you choose your subjects/course?

i chose my a levels because i really enjoy them! also i want to take computer science at uni so i need to take maths, and physics really complements my other two subjects, as well as being really interesting. i originally chose biology because i find it easier to revise, but i enjoyed the BPhO challenge so much it changed my mind.

8. what’s your favourite subject/pastime?

kinda already answered this, but it’s computer science! i haven’t actually done that much coding during lockdown, which is a shame, but it’s what i want to do at uni sooo...

9. if you could meet one person from history, who would it be and what would you say?

ahhh i don’t know... there are so many amazing historical figures that i’d love to meet! it’s a bit cliche for a comp sci nerd, but i’d probably want to meet alan turing and tell him how much his war work was valued and how much attitudes have changed, it’s so tragic that his death was caused by the country he worked so hard to protect.

10. what are you most grateful for in life?

i’m most grateful for my home and family, i’m so privileged to have a stable, loving family, a warm, happy home and to be safe and loved. during lockdown i’ve really enjoyed spending more time with my family, and we honestly have barely argued!

sophie’s questions:

1. what mystery do you wish you knew the answer to?

this is a bit weird but i wish i knew what happened during the dyatlov pass incident (look it up if you haven’t heard, it’s super weird), i did a project on it in year 10 and i’d love to actually know what happened, though it’s probably not as interesting as some of the theories.

2. what dumb accomplishment are you most proud of?

when a load of my classmates were out on a trip and there were literally three of us in the form room at lunch i learnt how to bridge shuffle cards and i was stupidly proud of it, i wouldn’t stop showing people.

3. what was the most memorable gift you’ve received?

i couldn’t celebrate my actual 15th birthday with my best friend because she had some health problems, so in summer she took me on a surprise trip to ikea and wrote me this adorable ‘history of our friendship’.

4. what do you spend the most time thinking about?

nowadays i probably spend the most time worrying about whether i might have covid, if any of my family have covid, if there’s going to be a second wave, why people are being so stupid and not social distancing, etc... yeah i just worry a lot.

5. what do you strongly suspect but have no proof of?

i don’t really know actually... i mean i strongly suspect that there’s some form of extraterrestrial life out there but there’s not proof of that.

6. what blows your mind every time you think about it?

i mean the fact that there’s people iN ACTUAL SPACE right now is pretty mindblowing!

7. if you had a personal flag, what would be on it?

probably some kind of pressed flowers or similar, calligraphy or something like that.

8. if your life was a book, what would its title be?

the best one i can think of at the moment is ‘resident overachiever’

9. as the only human left on Earth, what would you do?

try and get a sustainable supply of food, power, water, warmth and shelter, then probably set up as some kind of homesteader and try my hand at an old-fashioned lifestyle (that is if i don’t go insane first).

10. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that actually turned out pretty well?

the only thing i can think of at the moment was when i stacked a stool on top of a chair and stood on in to get a suitcase of the top of a wardrobe, surprisingly i didn’t fall off or drop the suitcase.

my questions:

1. what’s you’re ideal morning routine?

2. what do you think is better - telling someone the truth or lying to them to save their feelings? (sorry to get so deep)

3. if you had to eat only three foods for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

4. where do you see yourself five years from now?

5. if you could, would you want to be able to see into the future?

6. do you have any pets? if not, do you want any, and if you do, do you do a silly pet voice when talking to them?

7. what’s the one thing you’re most curious about?

8. what part of your field of study really interests you?

9. is there anything a teacher has said to you that really made an impact?

10. what’s the one thing in films that really gets you (i don’t really know how to ask this so my example is for me it’s always when armies rally under their leaders and charge, like the charge of the rohirim in lord of the rings)?

if you stuck with me this long i’m amazed thank you!

i’m tagging @studyaurore, @la-galaxie-langblr and @beingxorganised ✨

[arofili]

fic writer tag game!!

i was tagged by @meztliel, thanks so much!!

AO3 name: starlightwalking

Fandoms: mostly Tolkien, my current main WIPs are Hobbit and LOTR fics, but i’m definitely mostly writing for the Silm these days, just lots of oneshots. i also dabble in Les Mis (at least once a year for Barricade Day!) and TAZ :)

Number of fics: 179??? how??? and i’m only gonna have more!! i’m not even done with B2MeM20 yet!!

Fic I spent the most time on: oh geez. that’s a tough one. this fic that i just posted, a Measse/Thuringwethil oneshot, i started in 2015?? but i left it sitting for 5 years, so i don’t think that counts. and i guess this drabble comp would be the next candidate, i started it in May 2016 and i last updated it in December 2019, but it’s...a drabble compilation, not an actual fic. so i think i actually spent the most time on my current WIPs, “Moonlight” and “Roads Go On,” both originally posted in May 2018 (jesus i was still in HIGH SCHOOL) and updated.....last year...... really i just haven’t had time to work on them, rip, though i think about them constantly. that’s what happens when you’re not in high school anymore i suppose....

Fic I spent the least time on: i mean, something from that drabble comp, probably. Or a B2MeM ficlet. probably this Glorfindel fic? I only remember writing it because I know it was written in a hurry at like 2am and my friend Moth @thishazeleyeddemon loved it and I was like “wow weird considering how little effort I put into it!”

Longest fic: Currently my post-BotFA Tauriel fic “Beneath the Stars” coming in at 49k! RGO and Moonlight both promise to be longer, but that would require me actually finishing either of them... but I love BtS so much that I’m glad it’s up there, it was a real labor of love <3

Shortest fic: “The Lay of Nienor” which I just wrote this past month! it’s only 238 words long - but it’s in verse, so that’s pretty respectable!

Most hits: My first BotFA fix it fic, “A Merrier Place,” with 5544 hits - to no one’s surprise by my chagrin. That was one of my first forays into Hobbit fic and I wrote it shortly after the movie came out, when people were most in need of a fix it AU. So I don’t blame them, really - but as I’m sort of setting out to rewrite my thoughts on what actually would’ve happened in an Everyone Lives AU in my current fic “Moonlight,” I wish people would pay more attention to that...

Most kudos: My TRSB19 Gigolas fic, “Love and Fear,” coming in with 155 kudos! this fic features art from @ginogollum and honestly, it deserves that love! (though, I think it does say a lot about what fandom wants that my only romo!gigolas fic has the most kudos of anything i’ve written, and all my qp!gigolas fics are much lower down the list... though perhaps I’m being unfair, considering my qp!Domadry fic “Wedding Blues” has the second-most kudos at 147.)

Most comment threads: My other TRSB19 fic, the Feanorian Redemption/Rebirth story “ATATYA” - that’s 71 comment threads and 147 total comments including replies!!! :) that makes me very very happy, because I wrote the 45,000 words of that fic in like...two weeks, about? it was INTENSE. and i’m very proud of that story, it’s got a lot of headcanons that I stand by, and I reference it frequently!

Most bookmarks: I added this category bc it felt weird it wasn’t here. Again, this prize goes to “Love and Fear” with 43 bookmarks!! woah :o second place is “A Merrier Place” with 35, and then the first fic I haven’t already mentioned is “The Naming Dame,” a HTTYD book fic with 30 bookmarks! I really should go back and update that fic, considering I wrote it before the last book came out and there’s new relevant information...

Total word count: I also added this one because I wanna brag!! I currently have 739,961 words archived on AO3 - holy shit!! adding the ~253k words I didn’t transfer over from FFN, that’s nearly a million words of fic! by the time i finish B2MeM I might push past that threshhold!!!!! that’s so exciting!!!! (fun fact about me: before Tolkien, my main fandom was...warrior cats...roughly 215k of that fic I left to gather dust on FFN is WC fic........)

Favourite fic I wrote: This isn’t fair, I can’t choose just one!! Ugh...well, if I must, I think it has to be “ATATYA”? This is subject to change, and “Beneath the Stars” is a close second, but “ATATYA” is my first real Silm longfic and I’m very proud of what I accomplished there, especially in such a short amount of time. Bonus: my favorite oneshot / favorite non-Tolkien fic is “and Love,” the aro Magnus fic I wrote for ASAW last year!

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: I mean, I already talked about how “Moonlight” is kind of a rewrite of “A Merrier Place,” so...hm. Well, earlier today in an ask game I mentioned my fic “fell and fey” which is the Eol-living-in-a-fairy-tale fic I wrote just this past month. I started writing a longer, more poetic version of that fic that I’d like to return to and expand on someday, but I wanted to get that idea out of my head and B2MeM was a great excuse to do it, so I went with the shorter version instead - for now!

Share a bit of a WIP or a story idea you’re planning on:

I’ve got a couple WIPs right now... here’s a snippet of ch8 of “Roads Go On” (which i PROMISE i will have up soon...i know i’ve been saying that for more than year but i MEAN IT this time...)

“What do you mean we can’t take the freeway?” Boromir snapped.

“My way or the highway, he means,” Gimli quipped. “And, uh...not the highway, I guess.”

Mithrandir shot Gimli a withering glare. Though he only smiled, some part of him shriveled up inside. A wizard’s evil eye was nothing to mess with.

I think I’ve already shared that snippet in a different tag game, so here’s one more for the road - this one’s from “Cause and Consequence,” my Halenthir baby OC fic. This snippet comes from a chapter that won’t be out for awhile (and might undergo some serious revamping before then), and it’s set right after the Nirnaeth, with my OC (Ryndil) about to confront their dad.

“This is no place for mortals,” Maglor said flatly. “You do know who we are, don’t you, Rýndil of Brethil?”

A shiver ran down their spine. Seven tall elf-lords, gaunt and scarred and bloody in the aftermath of a disastrous battle. Maedhros, the eldest, was a shell of the glorious figure he’d been on the battlefield; they weren’t sure if he was even awake, his eyes were so glassy and unfocused. Grief, they supposed. They’d heard the rumors about him and the High King, after all.

Maglor, leading in his place, trembling despite the firmness in his golden voice. Celegorm, bitter and angry and mean despite his fair features. Curufin, his dark shadow, flint in his eyes and venom on his tongue. Amrod and Amras, mirroring each other in their distrustful glares. And yet despite the blood and dirt and pain, a light shone from each of them. These were men to be feared, men to be worshipped.

And then there was him. Caranthir the Dark. Rýndil’s father, the blood flowing through their veins, the reason they were here in the first place. Gaunt and red-faced, the weary host of his defeated brothers, he had scarcely stopped moving about and making room for them since they arrived.

As much as Rýndil was of the Haladin, as much as they were the child of Haleth, they were bound to this family and people also.

there’s a lot of grief-stricken angry feanorian banter that comes after this (including some Maedhros characterization that i’m Very Proud Of), and honestly? i might just go ahead and post the whole excerpt if anyone wants to read it (it’s about 1.3k words) since I’m fairly sure I will be changing a lot of it anyway, even if it’s only for tone.

~

looking at these stats, i’m both kind of sad and kind of proud. like, i’m proud of myself for what i’ve written, and proud of the relationships i’ve forged with readers and writers on AO3, but i know lots and lots of folks who have waaayyy higher stats than me. i know considering i write a lot of gen and aro fic that i’ll never be a Big Name Fan, but that doesn’t stop me from being jealous... sigh...

anyway, this was very very fun!!! i tag @buffintruder @himrings @mushroomwriter @zealouswerewolfcollector @hennethgalad @absynthe--minded @stormxpadme @morifiinwe @raisingcain-onceagain annnd any other writer who sees this and wants to do it!! no pressure of course, only do it if you want to :)

(and LMK in replies if you’re interested in seeing more of that Ryndil snippet!!)

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

👀

send me a 👀 and i’ll post a snippet of art/writing that i never got around to finishing this year (r.i.p)

okay so here’s the tea on all the things that didn’t get finished in 2019!

2019 was the year of abandoning short stories lol oops! Here’s the hit list: :’(

1. Growing Season

This is such a hard hit because who doesn’t want to read a story about a woman replacing her boyfriend with a cactus, narrated BY the cactus?? I’d love to revisit this story because a) it’s told in my fave POV (first person directed to “you”) and b) “you” is an apathetic college dropout who goes for the hard dRAG after a bad breakup with her boyfriend, and c) because a cactus NARRATES it.

I’m at a little over 800 words in this story (it def gives me Sea Life by Eliza Robertson vibes).

2. Phantom Limbs in D Minor

Biggest hit! I’ve been working on this story since March, made good progress in the beginning, and slowly began drifting from it. I’ve chipped away at it sporadically over the last few months, and I’ve made it my goal to finish it over break! I don’t see myself hitting this goal, but I do hope to actually finish this story because I feel like it contains some of the best prose I’ve written and I love the vibe! I’m at over 2k words with a scene of about 1k floating around. I’ve actually toyed with making this story a novel because the scope seems quite large, but I definitely want to finish the short story before I think about that more! We follow chaotic Linda as she stress renovates her childhood home (a past! commune!) after her mother’s death. Linda is so precious to me, and I’d love to give her a story! If New York by Ex:Re was a person, it would be Linda lol. 

3. Anatomy of a Swinging Door

I’m making a statement, and my statement is that this is my designated cult story which means it must happen in the future. This was originally my “test out first person retrospective” story, though I think the point of view isn’t working super well here, but we’ll see! I conveniently wrote a logline for this story when I was trying to narrow down the scope, so here you go: A young woman visits her childhood home on the one-year anniversary of her brother’s disappearance and meets the new (and strange) family who lives there. 

(cult!)

So the second round of tragedies goes toward novels, AKA Houses With Teeth (which I can share excerpts from!). 

4. Houses With Teeth

I really struggled with this book this year, because it came to be in a time where my writing was getting an overhaul (though I didn’t realize it at the time)! I’ve learned a lot about intention in writing over the last year, something the Fostered series has lacked (oops). This led to me being very unsure about where I wanted to go with this book in particular--the same route as all the others (weird contemporary with dystopian elements that haven’t fully gone away yet) orrrr plan out something a bit more literary! I’ve fought with myself over this since April, and still don’t know where I’m going, but I’m missing my chaotic diva narrator Reeve and would love to get back into her head! 

This book has gone through about 3 openings, and I haven’t fully landed on any yet. I’m rethinking how I want to start this book, but taking my time with Moth Work to work me up to the timeline in HWT (which takes place about 8 months after the end of Rewired). I think I’ve shared most of this!

Some excerpts of first person retrospective Reeve (AKA Rachel trying to be Emma Cline looool):

Though the church was only a fifteen minute walk from the apartment, I packed a picnic basket of cha siu bao and a bottle of red wine and wore heels so they would know I wasn’t Christian. The basket wasn’t mine and neither were the bao—these were both things I’d taken from Liu. This wasn’t the first time I’d stolen from her. I’d once taken her fifty-dollar jar of saffron from the pantry because I’d heard it was the most expensive spice and wanted to feel rich. I took her jade Buddha necklace because she’d left it in the back and I wanted to feel cultured in her city, I wanted to become her history. The saffron jar was replaced. She didn’t comment when I wore the necklace at my next shift. This was why Liu and I worked well together. She pitied me so would never fire me, even when I skipped shifts and cussed at the customers. I felt entitled to her things because she was kind to me. I felt entitled to her kindness. 

lol I haven’t read this in months and it made me laugh #valid:

I crossed the street before the streetlight changed because this is how I lived in New York City. The world was unfair and lightless and I was an atheist who believed in God, walking in five inch heels on a busted road in the ghetto so I could get enough holy water to drown the ghost out of my apartment. 

When all else fails, add a dash of mother:

The air that summer was always the same: dense and wet, even on the good days. It clung to my arms and threatened to erode the skin there, even when it wasn’t sunny. I remembered my mother’s insistence of sunscreen when I was a child; before the pool, in the pool, out of the pool, when we weren’t even at the pool. Her hands were always cold and the sunscreen was always liquid—Izzy was never good at temperature or putting things in the right places. She’d put the instant coffee in the fridge and the cream on the counter. She’d cook the eggs too long and the ice too little. My father would criticize her as a joke and she’d threaten a divorce. This was the only thing I knew was true about my mother. Sunscreen was expensive, so I never bought it. 

Reeve bringing out the drag:

“Grab me a pack of cigarettes?” I shifted the picnic basket so it rested in the crook of my elbow.

“ID?”

“You don’t need my ID.”

“I ID every customer. You’re nothing special, baby.”

The man’s mustache wilted in the tungsten light of the variety store, spindly like loose threads. My father had grown a mustache like that once, and it took only two nights before my mother cut it off in his sleep. Izzy was brash like that, and I wanted that too; to find a pair of scissors in one of the aisles and chip at that flaccid mustache. There was nothing special about this man, either. All men in New York City tried to look like that; facial hair like coiled up leeches, a gut they pretended wasn’t a gut, but the fault of an unflattering polo from their wives. I imagined the snip of the kitchen scissors on my father’s upper lip, the same snip I heard the next day when he clipped the evergreens lining the walkup. There was something coarse about how similar it all was—pruning trees, grooming facial hair. I had turned twenty that spring—it would’ve taken only a minute for him to pass me a pack, but this was too easy. I wasn’t biological in New York City; I shouldn’t have been. 

5. Fostered But It’s Magic

So this was never meant to be a full project, though I had hoped to write a bit of it just for fun and never got around to it! FBIM (obvi working title lol) is exactly what it sounds like: the Fostered series but with a magical twist! I don’t write very much genre fiction, nor have I ever written fantasy, but a few months ago, felt drawn to the idea of putting Fostered in a magical world (my comp titles are SHREK 4 meets HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE). 

I don’t have any of this written, but I do have a few notes which I can share! 

I didn’t realize I’d made a tag yourself writing these notes but (I’m Lonan):

Reeve is a magical con artist who runs her own business selling bootleg magic. 

Lonan is absent and part bird

Harrison *believes* he is #magic free but has been recently getting hot flashes during nightmares.

Foster has an in-home herbalism business where he helps mostly the elderly and children. He has a cart that he wheels monthly into town. Kind of a failing business.

The gist is that Harrison (who we’d be following) can’t sleep due to hot flashes and nightmares of his ex (@ Lonan) and is referred to a small business run by a clairvoyant who promises to make all psychological problems disappear—relationship issues, sleep issues, life issues. This clairvoyant is actually Reeve who is telikinetic of some sorts, and doesn’t actually provide magic, but manipulates (usually weak) brains, AKA tricks people into paying her large sums of money when she gives them no magical help in return. We ALSO have a “past” plotline, and this is the very loose logline I’d written down (tho if I ever write any of this, is subject to change):

After being tormented by nightmares of his ex lover resulting in violent hot flashes and an inability to keep up employment, Harrison seeks a magical intervention. When the clairvoyant he hopes will cure his strange ailment turns out to be a con woman—and his old friend—he is thrown back into the past and forced to rekindle relationships he thought he’d left behind.  

Some dialogue I wrote down ft. clairvoyant Reeve being Reeve:

H: Why are you doing this? 

R (reapplying lip colour): Is my lipstick distracting you? The colour is dazzling.

H: It’s bullshit. 

R (abruptly stops drawing on lip colour): The lipstick? 

H: Your work.

My fave interaction tho has to be this bit I’d noted down with pure Foster comforting Harrison after a nightmare:

Foster *reading on couch when Harrison wakes up in #panique*: What happened? Harrison? Do you need some eucalyptus? 

*do u need some eucalyptus*

That’s basically all the writing related things I didn’t finish in 2019! I’d love to explore them all in 2020 though! Thanks for asking. :)

--Rachel

[velveetacrackncheese]

Hey, Rad... Alex... Alexlememe? I know that's the name you used to go by and I know you've kinda disconnected yourself from Viv's fanbase after ZP ended, and I remember your memes and such but I kinda just wanted to get your take on the Hazbin drama since you reblogged the headcanon blog's post on the subject. More or less regarding the issue of her being uncharitable to fans and non-fans alike, plus that one callout post on twitter?

So this is weird. I wasn’t expecting to get asks on the subject since like you said, I’ve generally been disconnected from the fanbase aside from the few reblogs here and there retaining to Hazbin and its more recent developments. But yeah I guess I could give my take on this since I mean.. old fans still follow me. Idk why, but they do!So, really. In regards to that callout post (which is now deleted) I really, really don’t care that much. For one thing, Initially I did because I really hated to see someone be slandered so viciously with inaccurate and uncharitable attacks, but I kinda just stopped because even when I linked the addresses from both Viv, and the Ken dude regarding all the drama mentioned, it was either ignored and resulting in me being called a “pedo sympathizer” or “It wasn’t even an apologyyyyy weh” and like, whatever. I stopped giving a shit.

Terms of the traced animation thing... Lol, ok. I mean homages do exist, and her animation thingy was based on a meme so whatevs.

Anyways,I knew from the very start that the whole “tracing” and “stealing designs” stuff was nonsense since there was an entire like, tumblr drama arc on the issue, and albeit Viv’s post is gone, there’s evidence of legal contracts regarding Jiji and that whole nonsense that was years ago. In regards to her drawing pictures of Blaire White and Shoe… Eh. I mean, yeah, fuck em, but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t support those views anymore, and she wasn’t even really aware of the other things they’d done at that point, and I see no real reason not to believe her because what does lying about that gain her? Yeah her comment on the “blackface” thing if you wanna call it that was dumb as shit, but considering 2016 was a rough year for her in terms of trying to find where she fell in the political sphere, I can relate because I was in the same boat. A lot of sjw cringe comps, shaming feminists, and purposely misgendering transpeople… Not a good time for me either! Course I’ve changed. I went from being a reactionary alt-centrist to an anarchist so. Whether that’s an improvement is up to you.

As for the whole pedo/zoo shit, I really don’t see it. I mean like, look, obviously porn art portraying people fucking feral animals is disgusting right. Not saying it isn’t problematic or anything, but to be fair, she did draw this shit like 8 years ago. I’ve seen worse from even more well-established artists and I don’t see people trying to cancel them? Also, the art was suggestive for one thing and not necessarily 100% porn. I mean it’s still creepy and gross, and I’d understand scolding them if they continued to do so but a lot worse, but I haven’t seen anything like that from Viv past those 2 drawings. As for the pedo shit… The relationship between a 17 year old and a 19 year old is… hardly creepy and reminiscent of pedo shit. So yeah no fuck that. Now with the drawing of Mirage and Kestrel and the tag that said something jokingly like “Mirage and her pedo tendencies” or whatever… Yeah idk, I can’t defend that lmfao. Again, Viv said she disapproves of those drawings and doesn’t care to think about them, but that one piece of artwork definitely had some baggage to it that made me feel uncomfortable after reading the tags.Only issue I took in terms of her addressing that, is that she was very adamant about it being an inside joke… Which if that’s true, you must’ve had some fucked up friends like damn.

I would also like to state that cub art is legitimately disgusting and I am of the belief that it can cause harm depending on the context since I assume the consumption of cub art can reinforce the urge for pedophiles to act on their desires instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms for it through therapy. There have been stories from younger users on the internet that older people have tried to groom them and have the notion of pedos preying on them be normalized by sending them art depicting kids in sexual acts with adults. Of course in isolation cub art isn’t as harmful as the actual act of raping a child, and I would argue that people have their priorities kind of messed up since the illustration being acknowledged should be part of combating pedophiles preying on children. However, people, typically twitter wokescolds tend to focus on the art solely and I don’t know why. There’s a lot of MAPS trying to find their way into LGBT spaces and it’s fucking gross.

Now with Hazbin itself… It’s meh. Initially I watched it with rose-tinted glasses and loved it. After watching it for like… the 3rd, 4th, 5th time? It’s alright. I don’t hate it, but it’s far from perfect. Now ofc I know it’s a pilot but a very lengthy pilot I’ll say. My biggest gripe with the pilot is that the editing is really fucking weird. Like the editing where Angel tells Alastor “I can suck yah dick!” and the scene that followed was really off. It seemed like too many cuts were made in that instance and seemed very cluttered. It also feels that way during Charlie singing “Inside Every Demon is a Rainbow” and how many little animated bits were like almost wiped off the screen by how fast it came by, and ntm there was just so much happening all at once on screen as well. I had to pause at points just to process everything that was happening. The palette is also very, very, verrrry red. There’s so much red going on and like… I get it, it’s in hell. But lemme rest my eyes on something else besides red, please. The palette they use needs to be better diversified, and the same goes for the characters too. Every character seems to have red on them. Whenever Baxter shows up later he’s gonna look really out of place. Some of the jokes were ok, and others seemed non-clever. I didn’t think Angel’s joke about sucking Al’s dick was funny. I did like the joke with Pentious and Angel though. “SON??” Some of it could’ve been written better too.

Regarding the drama with the show itself… Personally I don’t get it. Like, I don’t feel as if Angel is homophobic as a character since his queerness isn’t at the face of the jokes he makes? He just happens to be sex worker which… sex workers are fine? Support sex workers y’all, seriously. There’s also nothing intrinsically wrong with being sexually active either? As long as it’s within reason and you’re being trustworthy.The issue lies in the fact that people viewed the things I just mentioned as negative, and associate it with gay people as said negatively portrayed thing to push the sentiment of “Gay man do sex a lot therefore the gays bad” or that sort of thing. Also there’s a bit where it shows there’s more emotional depth to him and I’m hoping they’ll expand on that later. Honestly though, the criticisms in regards to that have been pretty uncharitable. Same with the criticisms for Vaggie. Apparently Vaggie is racist because… she’s loud and angry? Again, this is a case where people assume those traits are negative, and because it’s assumed to be negative, the negatively portrayed thing pushes the sentiment of “Being a loud fiery woman made, and latina women are that, therefore latina women bad” or some shit.  There are stereotypes that are bad no matter what the context is like sambo-esque caricatures of black people. Then there are tropes that are applied to certain demographics that have the capability to be written well into characters without it being offensive or disrespectful. Vaggie is literally angry because she’s protective of her gf. Like. C’mon.

So, I think that settles what I think about that? It honestly seems like superficial shit to me tbh, and I’m saying this as an sjw-y beta cuck anarchist.

The only REAL gripe I have, is with what the mod from @zpheadcanons posted. Because I know this is probably true as much as it hurts me to say it. Faust def has a history of being pretty petty and bully-like to people she deems undesirable, and Viv harbors it by not criticizing it, and if anyone else within their friend group does it then you’re scolded vehemently and treated like garbage. Her attitude also stretches to harboring an audience full of white knights that I personally don’t approve of.

There’s also this

Faust has hurt distant people I personally know and… yeah. Maybe I’m biased but I can’t vibe with that. Sorry. If you don’t make an effort to criticize abusive behavior within your own friend circles then that makes you just as bad, because then you’re just a bystander to things you could have prevented.

This isn’t to say Viv herself hasn’t dealt with bad faith actors, or people who had the intention to hurt her, or very uncharitable criticism. Particularly from the badwebcomics forums which is honestly 4chan like in how they operate. It’s vicious as hell, and a lot of their criticisms boil down to insults and personal attacks, which serve to be nonconstructive. That’s not to say Viv has been kind to even the more charitable criticism though. I know because when I happened to send an ask to the zoophobia criticism blog (where did it go???) regarding something relatively minor and superficial, she blocked me from her blog. I’m still blocked lmfao. I’m not blocked on twitter though! (not yet anyways). Faust has me blocked there though, and I have no idea why. She’s had me blocked for years even though I haven’t spoken out against her till recently. So, there’s that.

As for her apology itself, I feel like it was fine. I think it could’ve been worded better? The take I disagree with in terms of that is like… If I made a mistake in the past, and I make it clear that I don’t care for what I did, I don’t feel as if me explaining why I felt compelled to do certain things negate me from still not caring for my past actions? That’s just me providing context. That’s a really weird take, but I guess that could be viewed as an excuse idk. Personally I think people are holding the bar super high to a state of irrationality.

*sigh* So yeah there’s that. I miss the old days where honestly I could be ignorant about this, but at the same time I look at my old obsessive posts and I kinda just… cringe. I was such an irrational stan I almost hate myself for it. Fuck XD

Edit: I’d also like to point out that I’m not saying Viv or Faust are totally awful or totally good people, and I know they’re capable of being better. It’s a matter of whether or not they wanna be better.

[thefandomsinhalor]

I Know Who I Am

Written for @swansongbingo

Square filled: Stanford!Sam (Season One)

Title: I Know Who I Am

Rating: Teen and up

Word count: 2,979

Warning tags: No Archive Warning

Ship: Sam Winchester x Jessica Moore (light)

Summary: Thriving at Stanford, Sam believes he is finally free to embrace who he really is.

Read on AO3 (I might turn this into a full length fic)

“Sam? What’s wrong?”

Sam lifted his eyes from his computer screen to meet Jessica’s. Holding her cup of coffee, she stared at him. She was already dressed and ready to head out for her morning class.

Sam smiled at her. “Nothing’s wrong. Um, far from it actually.” He swallowed hard and returned his focus to his computer screen to make sure he had read the e-mail properly.

“What is it, babe? Did—oh my God. Did you get it? The scores?” She stepped into the kitchen.

“Yup.”

“And?” she asked, putting down her cup on the counter.

Sam looked at her again. She was staring at him intensively and kept shifting on her feet with giddiness.

“174.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh my God, Sam!” she cheered as she dashed towards him. With her arms wrapped around him, she gave him a warm, tight hug. “That’s almost a perfect score.”

“It’s not.”

“Stop. I’m so proud of you!”

Sam, unable to contain his smile, beamed. “Yeah?”

“Of course! I knew you could do it!” She loosened her embrace to look at him properly. Standing on her tip toes, she kissed him tenderly.

“Damn it,” she said, after breaking the kiss. “I have to leave. I’m sorry. I’m—I’ll probably be late already.”

“Don’t be sorry,” said Sam.

“We have to celebrate!” she said urgently. “Tonight.”

He let out a sigh. “You know how I feel about—today.”

“I know, but—Sam, this is huge. We have to do something. Besides, we agreed to meet Luis at the pub.” She kissed him quickly on the cheek and walked away from him.

Sam groaned. “I was hoping to skip it.”

She stopped and turned around, amused. “Nah-uh. You said you would go out with us. Despite today being Halloween. And now you have a perfect excuse.”

“You mean you have the perfect excuse to drag me there.”

“Just be ready!” she said, laughing. And after a quick look at the clock, she hurried towards the door. “I love you!”

Sam’s morning was rather uneventful. He went to study for an hour at the library before his morning class as he always did.

The class was long. His mind was slightly wandering today, so he took avid notes to focus and was grateful that at least his professor was engaging.

After his class, he stopped by Brady’s place to check up on him. He hadn’t seen Brady in quite a while and he didn’t live far from campus, so Sam would have plenty of time to come back for his afternoon class.

Brady welcomed him with a broad smile.

“I was just about to eat some leftovers. Want some? Chinese food,” said Brady after shutting the door behind Sam.

“Great. I guess it will pair up perfectly with the subs I picked up for us on my way here,” said Sam, lifting the paper bag he was holding.

Brady laughed loudly. “Weird combos it is. Just like freshman year.”

“Seems so,” said Sam, sitting at the counter. While Brady was busy retrieving the food containers from the fridge, Sam glanced around the apartment.

Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing troublesome.

Spick-and-span.

“Sam?”

Sam mildly jumped at his name and returned his attention to Brady.

“Sorry. I didn’t hear you. I’m having issues focusing today, I guess.”

Brady stared at him quietly for a moment. “Any reason why?”

“Just tired. I just—”

“What?”

“Just had issues sleeping. That’s all.” He handed Brady one of the subs and began unwrapping the second one.

“Any reason in particular?” said his friend.

“Stress. School. I finally got my LSAT,” he said before taking a bite of his sub.

Brady froze. When Sam remained silent, he asked him about his score. Once Sam told him, trying not to feel embarrassed, Brady cheered loudly, pumping his fist in the air. “That’s terrific, Sam.” He looked down at the food on the counter. “I kinda feel like we should eat something else instead.”

Sam shook his head. “Nah. This is actually nice. What about you? Did you finally made a decision for next year? Last time we talked, you seemed undecided.”

“Nothing concrete, yet, I’m afraid.”

“That’s okay too. You tell me when you do, though? And then, we’ll celebrate.”

“Deal,” said Brady, grinning. He helped himself to some dumplings and asked, “So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Hadn’t heard from you in a while.”

Brady stopped chewing. He paused a moment, and then smirked at him. “You wondered if I was up to no good?”

“Brady—I—”

“That’s why you were eyeing my place earlier. Are you worried about me?”

“No. I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy. I—I just—”

“Sam, relax,” he said after taking a big bite of his sub. “I get it. You want to make sure I haven’t gotten back to my old ways—”

“Brady, I’m—”

“If anything,” he said, cutting him off, “I’m touched. But I promise I’m fine. I’ve just been busy.”

“Okay,” said Sam, nodding. “Can I ask how you’ve been busy?” he asked in a lighter tone, which made Brady laugh.

His friend observed him a moment, as if he was deciding to what extent he should share, and finally said, “Let’s just say that something is brewing in the background. Something big. Life altering big for some of us. In a way.”

“Really? And when is your big turning point is supposed to happen?”

“Oh, I didn’t say it would be life altering for me, per se. Although, it will evidently change things for me too.”

Sam frowned at him. “What?” He let out a small laugh. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You’ll see,” said Brady, smiling at the corner of his mouth. “But I’m not giving away the surprise.”

“That’s not vague or ominous at all,” said Sam.

“Any plans tonight?” asked Brady, changing the subject. “I’m sure Jess is planning something to celebrate.”

Sam pursed his lips and lowered his eyes.

“Right,” sighed Brady. “You and Halloween. I forgot. What’s up with that?”

“I just—it’s not my thing. Jess and I are meeting Luis at the pub tonight. A few of the others said they’d show up there too—you’re welcome to join, by the way—”

“I would love that, believe me, but I actually have other plans tonight.”

“All right. I’m—I was sort of trying to get out of it, but now Jess is insisting on celebrating tonight…”

“Can’t really miss that,” said Brady, amused. “Want my advice? I think you should listen to Jess. She clearly has your best interest at heart. Going out, instead of staying in to study—again—won’t kill you, Sam. Embrace it while you can.”

Sam enjoyed the rest of his lunch with Brady, discussing their options and hopes for their school years to come. Brady was enthusiastic and gave Sam a detailed list of his intensive school year schedule to meet all the application deadlines.

Much like the one Sam had to endure as well.

Soon enough, however, Sam needed to head back towards campus, so he thanked Brady for the lunch and reminded him of the night’s invitation in case his plans changed.

Back on campus, Sam hurried to his next class, swirling the ambling students around him. But as he passed by the Hoover Tower, he came to a halt when a thought suddenly occurred to him.

Dean. Dad.

His stomach dropped. He hadn’t told them about his results yet. And he had just now realized that fact.

Why would I though? It’s not like they get it.

And while he knew perfectly well that this was true, he also felt somewhat guilty that his first thought hadn’t been to tell Dean.

Dean would care. He might think it’s pointless and that I am wasting my time with Law school, but he would care. Dad too, but…

He retrieved his phone from his pocket and pondered about dialing. He pursed his lips, staring stubbornly at his phone.

All his reasons for having left, for having kept to himself all this time, came rushing back in his mind. Because he wanted to be free and lead his own life. Because he was tired of hunting. Because it wasn’t who he was.

And now, even though he wanted to share this news with them, he was worried calling might open the door for them—for John—to pull him back in.

Sam let out a sigh of frustration.

I can’t do it.

Because this isn’t me anymore. This has never been me. I’m okay here. I’m with Jess. I have friends. A future. A future that won’t end with blood. And death. And pain.

And soul crushing drama.

I already had enough of drama as it is.

This—me being a civilian who actually has a life, who is participating in society and doesn’t run anywhere—this is what I want. This is who I am.

He stared at his phone. At the contact “Dean.”

But I would still like to tell Dean.

And after a moment of hesitation, when he almost hit dial, he shook his head, shoved the phone back in his pocket and continued his route.

The number is probably not even in service anymore. And they’ll say what? Congratulations? Even if they mean it and it’s not just out of politeness, they will still probably think it’s a waste of time.

And I don’t want to hear that. Not today. Not after everything.

And more than anything, I don’t want to risk getting sucked into that. I managed to get myself out of it. I don’t want to ruin it.

I’m not a hunter. I want to be a lawyer.

And that was what he kept repeating to himself the rest of the day.

In his afternoon class, which turned out to be extremely difficult to focus on.

When he devoured his dinner at the bookstore where he worked. Especially when he overheard two students discussing doing a séance at the Holy Cross cemetery that night.

Based on what they were planning on bringing, not to mention how they intended on proceeding, Sam judged that there wasn’t anything to worry about. He kept his mouth shut so he wouldn’t sound like a complete freak.

Which was extremely difficult at times.

I’m not a hunter. I want to be a lawyer.

Words that he repeated to himself, once again, when he bumped into Mr. Gable, who lived across the hall from him and Jess, in their building’s lobby. His neighbor appeared grim, which was very unlike him, so Sam asked him what was wrong. Mr. Gable complained that “weird stuff” was happening in his apartment and when he notified their landlord, he wasn’t very keen on doing anything about it.

“What do you mean by ‘weird stuff’?”

“The lights are glitching. And the damn thermostat is broken.”

Sam frowned. “How so?”  

“It’s cold all the time. Which makes no sense, I know,” he added after assessing Sam’s expression. “I know it’s not winter yet, but it’s cold. Anyway, he came in, checked a few things and said everything was in order.”

“Did you ever have this problem before?”

“No. And I’ve lived here for almost ten years now.”

Sam swallowed. “Mr. Gable, I—I’m sure the landlord is—can I have a look?”

“At my apartment? You?”

“It’s probably just the wiring with the lights and…stuff, but I can check if you want.”

“And you’re an electrician?”

“Um, no. But I get by. I changed a few things in our apartment when we moved in. I got rid of that old ceiling fan that looked like it would just drop on our heads.”

Mr. Gable laughed. “All right. A quick look wouldn’t hurt.”

After Sam told him he needed to get a few things first, he dashed to his apartment and gunned for some of his gear he hid in the bottom of the closet. Away from prying eyes. Away from Jess’ grasp. He had explained to her that this was “hunting” gear and should be kept safely away at all times. He wouldn’t use it, but felt like he had to keep it for a weird “sentimental” value.

He knew Jess respected his space, especially in regards to anything involving his family. He also knew that if Jess ever decided to have a closer look in the duffle bag, while some guns and knifes would make sense, there was a bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t add up as hunting equipment.

Traditional hunting that was.

Sam simply grabbed the EMF and put his bag back in the closet.

Mr. Gable’s apartment’s inspection turned out to be very quick. He asked his neighbor the usual spill, trying his best to not sound overly invasive or weird. No recent deaths in the family or surroundings. No purchased or heirloom items. Again, nothing out of the ordinary.

And while the place was a bit chilly, it wasn’t like the usual ice-cold spots. Not like the ones that made the hair at the back of his neck rise and paralyzed him for a second.

He also noticed that Mr. Gable liked to have the windows open.

“Everybody needs fresh air!” he said defensively.

And while the lights did flicker, the EMF, on the other hand, didn’t react, so Sam judged it was the wiring. Sam assured him that he would mention it to the landlord next time he saw him, and that if the landlord still did nothing about the lights then, he asked Mr. Gable to come and find him again, and Sam promised to help him out.

His neighbor thanked him and Sam headed back home, telling himself that it was just bad wiring.

Besides, I am done with all this. This is just me not being stupid. Being cautious. And he figured that the supernatural was simply on his mind due to Halloween.

We’re close to—this is why I’m going there. But there is nothing.

Despite having fun with Jess and Luis, and the fact that he was celebrating and happy about his scores, keeping his mind away from the supernatural proved to be challenging on that evening nonetheless.

He was used to Halloween being the “night off,” but observing everyone’s costumes made it difficult to ignore that fact.

Luis was dressed as a zombie, which was a nice effort, Sam judged, to the real thing with the ragged clothes and makeup.

Except for the smell. Nothing can be faked about the authenticity of a rotten corpse.

Failing to solely focus on Jess, Sam noticed everyone around them. Some guy wearing a pope outfit. A pirate. Some girl wearing a silver spandex and silver wig. Another one wearing a white puffy dress. And a veil. A bride. She walked right behind Jess. And next to someone wearing multicolored curly hair with—

Fuck, no. Why? Sam took a deep breath

Why do people insist on dressing up as clowns? Why do people want to dress up period?

And it wasn’t until later that night, once he was lying in his bed, desperately trying to fall asleep that a troubling thought came to him.

I don’t like that people are dressing up for fun because I was forced to do it my whole life. My whole life I had to pretend to be someone else. I had to lie about everything. I had to lie to everyone.

Every day was Halloween for me. The bad part of it, I suppose, but still.

And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me. Just me.

He sighed as his heart grew heavy. Feeling his arm going numb, he turned on his back.

Another thought crept into his mind.

But I’m still lying. Not like before, but I’m still lying.

And then, he made the mistake of opening his eyes.

And momentarily froze as he stared at the ceiling.

And saw it in a flash. Jess. The burning ceiling. The image imprinted in his mind from his nightmare.

Nothing. There’s nothing. Of course, there’s nothing.

He turned his head towards Jessica who was peacefully sleeping next to him.

She’s okay. There’s nothing to worry about.

He told himself this a hundred times, convincing himself that it was all a dream. Nightmare. Nothing else. And considering the time of year, it was not surprising why these nightmares—theses atrocious, paralyzing nightmares—would occur.

This is just me reacting to stress or something.

And this is exactly the reason why I should keep on track. Not care about anything else.

He took a deep breath, turned on his side again to avoid looking at the ceiling and shut his eyes. He had every intention to clear his mind.

But it didn’t work as well as he had hoped. The moment that image surfaced into his head, it was difficult to let it go. And the usual depressing hits started to rush in. His mother. John yelling about Stanford. Crappy motels. The journal. Kids telling him he was weird. Moving.

And therefore, me always being the weird kid.

And now, creepy nightmares of Jess burning on the ceiling. Like Mom.

No. This is—

I have nothing to do with this.

This is not me. This is not me. This is not me.

I know who I am. And no one can change that.  I have a say into this.

And he eventually fell asleep as he repeated his mantra. For the most part, it had worked.

Sam did not have nightmares about Jessica burning on the ceiling.

He had a dreamless sleep that night.

Until he was awoken by a sound in his apartment.

The sound that broke his sleep.

The sound that brought him back to reality.

To his reality.

A window opening.

[nothingunrealistic]

👀 okay I'm starting to get into billions (bc of will). Can you recommend some essential episodes or something to get an understanding for what's happening? (And also I really like Asia Kate Dillon so like important episodes with them too)

the tricky thing about billions is that those of us who are into it aren’t, for the most part, actually watching the episodes in full or trying to understand all the plotlines. so if you want to know what’s happening with Everyone on the show (which is a dizzying number of characters), i can’t really pare it down to what’s important because i refuse to care about like half of them. but if, as it seems, you’re primarily here for winston and taylor (will’s and asia’s characters respectively), then good news - that’s almost all we care about too

the essential episodes for understanding winston are easy enough because he’s only shown up in five so far (3x03, 3x09, 3x11, 4x03, 4x08, and 4x11) for a couple minutes each, and all footage of him has been lovingly collated and posted on here. his first several appearances, and the context for them, are collected here; his moments from the most recent episode, which we were yelling about all day on sunday, are here. (he’ll be in this coming sunday’s episode too, which is also the season finale, so expect even more yelling about that.)

narrowing down the Essential Taylor is a little trickier because they’ve been in nearly every episode of seasons 2 3 and 4, of which i have watched exactly one episode. if billions had a decent fan wiki or anything similar, i would direct you to that, but they don’t, because they suck. the main way i keep up with the episodes/figure out what happened in previous seasons is via fan-run sites (which are superior to the recaps on Professional Media Websites usually), as follows:

fanfunwithdamianlewis has multiple recaps of every episode (including some from people who actually understand and can explain the financial stuff going on), as well as lists of all the locations shown, transcripts of cast interviews, and other fun stuff, all thoroughly tagged with actor and character names

gingesbecray has a recap of every episode as well (including gifs), always very detailed and entertainingly opinionated in ways we generally agree with

the billions companion collects and explains all the references that characters make (which is half the dialogue), sorted by episode, character, and keyword, as well as listing a wide array of other helpful sites

from these sites, the decent number of clips floating around youtube, and a collection of all taylor’s dialogue in seasons 2 & 3, we’ve pieced together the basic arc taylor’s had in the show so far. here’s my best approach at a season-by-season highlights reel (with links to relevant clips in bold) under the cut  because it’s ridiculously long

season 2: taylor arrives at axe capital as an intern. axe recognizes their talent and convinces them to stay, and they gain experience, status, and respect at axe cap over the course of the season, becoming the chief investment officer by season’s end.

2x01: taylor is an intern working for mafee (an executing trader at axe cap), and mafee wants them to stay once their internship is over.

2x02: taylor meets axe and impresses him with their insight. though taylor knows they don’t fit in at axe cap and plans to leave for grad school, axe later convinces them to stay, with a salary of a million dollars for a year.

2x03: taylor gets invited to play at a charity poker tournament (a real thing!), to the chagrin of others at axe cap. taylor has reservations but ultimately agrees to play; they win the tournament by outthinking their opponent, but are reminded of how out of place they are in hedge fund culture.

2x07: taylor is involved in figuring out what to do about a struggling small town that axe cap is heavily invested in.

2x08: taylor notices that mafee has been struggling at his job ever since he introduced them to axe, and asks wendy (who’s married to chuck [one of the main Legal Side characters], the performance coach at axe cap, and one of axe’s closest friends) if they should do anything about it. (ultimately taylor decides to assuage the guilt by giving mafee a signed wrestling poster. that’s the world of finance for you!)

2x09: axe’s birthday party, which everyone is expected to attend, is in conflict with taylor’s personal life, so they talk to him about what they should do and why they’re conflicted.

2x10: taylor is questioned by connerty (another of the characters on the legal side of things, who we don’t care about otherwise) about what happens at axe cap.

2x11: taylor is warned by connerty that this line of work might endanger their soul. they’re also given the responsibility of assessing all the analysts at axe cap and firing one - and told that it can’t be based solely on the numbers - and decide not to fire rudy, who is the worst performing analyst but is dedicated to succeeding.

2x12: axe is arrested/indicted/somehow penalized for insider trading and other hedge fund shenanigans, and he puts taylor in charge of axe cap’s investments.

season 3: taylor keeps axe capital running and thriving in axe’s absence, but once he returns, he overrules their decisions and undercuts their trust, leading them to start their own hedge fund (taylor mason capital, or tmc) by season’s end.

3x01: taylor calls a meeting at axe cap and tasks everyone with preparing for an Idea Dinner where they’ll impress other hedge funds with a new and exciting plan for making money. ultimately taylor comes up with a plan that involves reverse engineering microchips, and it goes over well.

3x02: taylor struggles with making the right choices of investments after a tsunami hits brazil, confronts axe when he shows up at the office despite being banned from trading, and talks with him later about how the day has gone and how to move forward.

3x03: taylor interviews quantitative analysts (”quants”) for axe cap, much to the chagrin of analysts who are worried about losing their jobs and traders who don’t trust computers. ultimately none are hired because wags (the COO of axe cap and the epitome of everything absolutely wild about billions), who conducted the interview with taylor, doesn’t trust quants either and sabotaged the process. (this is also where winston first appears! hi winston!)

3x04: taylor expects a space mission led by weird off brand elon musk to fail and invests accordingly. they’re rooting for him anyway and are horrified when he dies in an explosion after launch. they also deal with attempts to get them to invest in a charitable organization brought to axe’s attention by oscar langstraat, a venture philanthropist, and wind up with significant distaste for oscar.

3x05: taylor encounters oscar again in silicon valley where they’re hearing pitches, and though they’re hostile to him at first, a conversation about star wars makes taylor regret that they made other plans for dinner, and playing an obscure board game is enough for them to sleep with him. (like i said: enemies to lovers speedrun!)

3x06: taylor is “rattled” (their word) by something related to axe’s legal troubles in this episode. oscar flies in from silicon valley unannounced to keep taylor company while they’re working on their quant project because he’s That invested. no clips of any of this online though

3x07: axe and wendy are planning to convince mafee to take the blame for some shady investing they did at the end of last season, and taylor inadvertently enables them to do it by giving them information about how mafee thinks and what he believes in.

3x08: axe returns to axe cap free to trade again, and immediately undoes all of taylor’s work (including the quant project), though he also invites them to join the team that will raise money for axe cap. taylor wants a fund of their own to manage (still affiliated with axe cap but separate), but axe won’t give them as much money for it as he’s promising.

3x09: axe needs money and tries to take some from grigor andolov, a russian oil oligarch, which taylor thinks is a terrible idea. they also restart the quant project again, in secret, which means winston’s back! winston & taylor’s meeting in a room with a chalkboard and taylor’s introduction of the quants to the quant headquarters are both from this episode.

3x10: taylor and oscar are celebrating a deal that oscar’s about to make, but when taylor mentions it to axe in asking for his help with getting a dinner reservation, axe, who’s searching for more sources of money, makes the deal before oscar can, which crushes taylor and ends their relationship. 

3x11: taylor discovers that winston has driven off the other quants, but asks him to work on The Algorithm instead of firing him. it’s also comp time - axe won’t give taylor as much of a bonus as they want and also removes them from the capital raise team; this decision is later reversed when taylor talks to wendy and wendy talks to axe. winston completes The Algorithm, and taylor emerges from the quant basement into the offices of taylor mason capital to talk to grigor.

3x12: taylor meets with grigor and convinces him to invest in tmc, arrives (late) to the capital raise event and impresses the investors there, swipes a good portion of that capital for tmc, and leaves axe cap for good, having successfully convinced mafee (and failing to convince ben kim) to join them. axe and taylor argue about taylor’s betrayal and what comes next. taylor also tries and fails to bring wendy to tmc.

season 4: taylor strives to keep tmc successful while fending off axe’s repeated attacks and dealing with their own interpersonal relationships interfering with business. how will it end? we don’t yet know [UPDATE: it ends with taylor making deals with both axe and chuck, but truly being on no one’s side except their own.]

4x01: taylor, mafee, and sara (taylor’s COO) struggle to hire employees due to axe paying off tmc’s headhunter (though they don’t initially know that’s the case). taylor disguises themself as a cis woman to get money from a sovereign wealth fund that axe cap is also seeking money from. (the full episode is available on youtube.)

4x02: taylor can’t get funding because axe has persuaded all the banks to cut them off. grigor brings in a pair of shady brothers to invest in tmc; taylor would really rather not depend on the brothers’ money, so they trick the banker the brothers are using into cutting off their credit lines and ask grigor to use his influence to get independent funding for tmc.

4x03: axe cap has managed to get a hold of tmc’s trading patterns, and they start front running tmc (making trades based on what they expect tmc to do) to throw taylor off. (this is where winston comes in again! and declares himself cassandra!) taylor’s dad, douglas, shows up and spends nearly all of his screentime either persistently misgendering taylor or helping them create a mathematical equation, which includes a mistake added by taylor as a message to axe (who of course is watching) for a meeting. when they meet, taylor asks axe for a truce, and he declines.

4x04: grigor brings down axe cap’s whole computer system, allowing tmc to profit off a natural gas crisis that axe cap was hoping to benefit from. taylor also agrees to support douglas’s aerospace project, a “lattice grid fin,” now that he’s actually respecting them as a person. but the climax of this episode is chuck talking about his and wendy’s sex life in front of the press, and taylor calls wendy afterward to offer sympathy. (and chuck, who subsequently wins his election, gets grigor deported and his money frozen.)

4x05: taylor is #Stressed about the loss of grigor’s money, which endangers tmc overall and douglas’s project especially. sara brings in lauren, an investor relations expert, to help out; lauren gets taylor a meeting with the new york firefighters’ fund, who used to invest only with axe but are looking elsewhere, and taylor gains their support.

4x06: taylor is working with douglas and a couple other companies on getting his lattice fin project off the ground, while trying to avoid axe cap’s spying (not that successfully), and douglas is mad that he isn’t being treated like the smartest person in the room. taylor and wendy also meet up repeatedly, in a seemingly friendly way, but wendy mines their conversations and her patient files on taylor to figure out how to force taylor to destroy douglas’s project. 

4x07: rebecca, axe’s girlfriend (though tmc doesn’t know that) and a business mogul herself, offers to buy douglas’s project (as a way for axe to access and destroy it), which taylor turns down. taylor has also enlisted wendy’s help to furnish a new apartment for their parents. then taylor gets the news that douglas’s project has been found to be a threat to national security (thanks to axe) - and though they initially choose to hold onto his project despite the ensuing loss of funds, wendy comes over to commiserate and inadvertently gives away that she’s been playing taylor this whole time. taylor sells the project to the government to save tmc, at the cost of their relationship with douglas.

4x08: taylor wants financial revenge for being manipulated, and first taunts, then argues with axe on live television. at mafee and dollar bill’s charity boxing match, taylor first is confronted by wendy about reporting her for malpractice (which sara did without taylor’s knowledge), then reveals that they tricked axe into getting fracking legalized so they could profit from buying water rights where fracking happens.

4x09: taylor is going to great lengths to destroy rebecca’s new position as ceo of a department store (saler’s), including buying out three of the largest shareholders and planning to meet up with a fourth who already hates axe. the plan doesn’t work in the end, but taylor finds out that axe will make huge sacrifices for rebecca - and starts a relationship with lauren, who helped them get a meeting with the fourth shareholder’s son.

4x10: taylor is preparing for wendy’s malpractice hearing, buying an appliance manufacturer closely tied to saler’s in order to have power over rebecca, and doing a terrible job of hiding their relationship with lauren. wendy comes to see them at tmc, and taylor claims they won’t go to the hearing, for wendy’s benefit.

4x11: taylor indeed doesn’t go to the hearing, and wendy fesses up to her wrongdoing. it’s comp time at tmc (winston’s most recent appearance! we’ve only just recently stopped shouting about it!), and everyone defers their bonus except lauren, who says she’d be too heartbroken to stick around if she and taylor broke up. rebecca, who’s tired of taylor making her life difficult, offers taylor a business deal related to saler’s, and taylor, who’s tired of being at war, accepts.

4x12: here is imdb’s summary of this episode: “Axe makes a big decision. Connerty gets closer to the truth. Tensions rise, and dynamics shift.” real specific. [UPDATE: taylor apologizes to their employees and promises to focus on running tmc The Right Way. and then axe sinks tmc by effectively killing saler’s, and sends a former axe cap employee who tried to get a job at tmc to try and bait taylor into engaging in insider trading; he hopes that chuck will then arrest them and blackmail them to work for axe again. taylor doesn’t take the bait, but chuck arrests them anyway, and makes a deal with them to work together to take axe down. secretly taylor plans to set up chuck and axe to destroy each other, and then get out of the way. the episode ends with taylor and their tmc team walking into axe cap and being “welcomed home.”]