#also i mean it about the early menopause (likely medication-induced) having its benefits

[sickcyclist]

This is the story of my day. It actually starts yesterday, when a heaven-sent rain swept in and cleared the smoke and cooled the air and tamped down the dust on the trails. I went on a bike ride because days like that are a gift. I have exercise-induced hypoxemia, which basically means that my oxygen drops when I exercise for reasons that we still don’t understand. Exercising with oxygen helps, but I still drop into the mid-80s. I knew I was too sick to ride and that doing so would make me much more sick, but I needed it for my mind so I was willing to sacrifice my body.

So that’s the first lesson of being sick. Everyone tells you that you have to be active and it will make things better and all you have to do is just push yourself hard enough. We’ve internalized this message to the point that many people believe sick people could get better if they just PUSHED. But that’s not always true. Sometimes pushing makes you worse. Sometimes it makes you much, much worse. And that can be true even if being active and pushing hard is something you love so much that it feels like it’s core to who you are.

I knew I would have to sleep for 12+ hours to make up for the ride, and I knew that I would have bad oxygen saturation stats because of it. And since I don’t have a real job, it should be easy to just take a lazy day (or week, or month) and get better, right? But actually I do have a real job and that job is to keep myself alive. It’s the job of a lot of us who are chronically ill, and it’s not a profession I would recommend. It’s not fun and it’s not rewarding and no one admires you for it and you’re not asked to speak to 5th graders on career day and you rarely get to move on to a newer, more interesting project.

Here’s what this particular day at work looked like for me. I woke up to a voicemail saying that my pulmonology appointment for Friday had been cancelled. I’ve been waiting to see a pulmonologist since March and was supposed to have an appointment weeks ago, but that was cancelled because the doctor quit two days beforehand. The other doctor in town couldn’t see me until the end of October, so I looked for a doctor in a bigger town hundreds of miles away. She comes highly recommended and in a way I’m happy because I strongly prefer female doctors, but for whatever reason she had to “clear her morning.” My new appointment is five weeks from now. I got off the phone and sobbed, which is not a good thing to do when your lungs don’t work. I probably could have toughed it up and avoided crying if I hadn’t worn myself down so much biking yesterday, but such is life.

I emailed my primary care provider asking for a note saying I could travel with my portable oxygen concentrator. I was supposed to get this letter from my pulmonologist, but now I won’t have a pulmonologist before I travel. The letter has to say that I use oxygen for sleep and activity, but it also has to specify that I won’t use oxygen on the plane. Which is a little funny because airplanes have extremely powerful oxygen-producing systems for emergencies, but they don’t like people who need oxygen because they don’t like the risk that comes with having sick people on board (think emergency landings). So people who need oxygen all the time need their own oxygen concentrator and battery power for the equivalent of 1.5x the time they will be in the air. I’m going on an 8-hour flight and it would cost about $400 to get strong enough batteries for that length. So I need them to let me carry my machine, which has lithium ion batteries that are otherwise prohibited. But in order to carry my machine I need to prove that I won’t be needing it.

I have a great primary care provider. I knew she would write the note. Easy peasy.

My next voicemail was from the specialty pharmacy that my insurance provider uses for certain drugs. I am allergic to a hormone all women produce as part of the menstrual cycle. This allergy is so severe that it has been responsible for 5 miscarriages, and it also means that I’m more miserable than usual for half the month. The good news is that all you have to do to stop it is take out your ovaries, but when you do that you go into full menopause. Which is not desirable because it increases your risk of cancer and osteoporosis and just overall mortality. Like not even from one thing. Just people who go into menopause early die early from all causes and we don’t know why.

That gives you some perspective on what the benefits have to look like in order for the cost-benefit analysis to still auger in favor of ovary removal. But since it is such a serious choice, you have to be sure. And the way you make sure is to stop your ovaries from working with a drug. The drug has hideous short and long term side effects, so if you feel better while taking it, that’s a pretty strong sign that an oophorectomy is the choice for you.

Approval for me to receive this particular drug was in limbo because the provider accidentally entered the wrong diagnosis. I have, as you can imagine, a lot of diagnoses. Entering the wrong diagnosis in this case was particularly funny because I’ve spent the last 6 months fighting with Blue Cross to get an expensive medicine that helps with my allergies. This medicine (Xolair) is approved for chronic urticaria (hives). It is not approved for progesterone hypersensitivity. I have both, which means I itch a lot for two weeks of the month and itch so much that I want to peel my skin off for two weeks of the month. Blue Cross argued that I wanted the drug for progesterone hypersensitivity. No medical provider said that, but it was the diagnosis they could use to deny the drug. Xolair costs $4000 a month. At that price it’s worth it to them to grind people down and hope they give up. It took four appeals and my lawyer (husband) to get the drug approved because I do indeed have chronic urticaria. It’s worked wonders for me, especially being allergic to the sun. You have no idea how easy it is to descend into madness when you are itchy all the time.

I went over all this with my new OB. I explained that, while the allergy shot solved the itching, it didn’t fix any of my systemic problems, which is why I was still interested in removing my ovaries. And because the conversation focused on how this ovary-suppressing drug (Lupron) specifically wasn’t for urticaria, it’s perhaps not surprising that she accidentally listed urticaria as the reason for the prescription. It’s like when you’re afraid you’ll mispronounce someone’s name. You tell yourself, “Say Kee-a, not Ky-a,” so many times that you’re basically guaranteed to call the person Ky-a.

So my ovary medicine was denied, of course, but I contacted my doctor’s office last week explaining the problem and they were very quick to apologize and resubmit. I returned the call from the specialty pharmacy but apparently they had just wanted to let me know that they were sorry for the delay. It was very polite of them but maybe didn’t require a phone call.

Then I got an email from Blue Cross Blue Shield. I logged in to read that coverage had again been denied (no reason stated) and that if I wanted to appeal the decision I would have to appeal through their specialty pharmacy. They gave me the name and number. Of a different specialty pharmacy than the one I had been dealing with for the past month. The one that I had already wrangled account numbers and diagnosis codes and special customer service phone lines out of. I typed up a polite response inquiring why I need to change pharmacies. And then I cried, but only just a little this time.

Then I called Walgreen’s because my medication for muscle spasms had been delayed and I received a note saying the pharmacist needed to speak to me. I am hypermobile so my connective tissue is just a little too bendy. My joints slip in and out all the time and my muscles have to overwork to hold my body together. Frequently they overwork so much that they lock up. This happens much more frequently in the progesterone-dominant phase of my cycle. Physical therapy is the best treatment, but sometimes I need muscles relaxants before I can even start physical therapy.

The man I spoke to at Walgreen’s told me I didn’t have a prescription for that drug. Then he told me I had a prescription but it had expired in March of 2020. I knew that wasn’t true because I hadn’t used it for years but had to start again when I got COVID. So I had no prescription in March of 2020 but I definitely did in March of 2021. No big deal. Just a simple computer error. Totally understandable in a pandemic, and I knew my doctor would refill it anyway. But he apparently felt that it was a big deal and wouldn’t submit the refill to my provider. I have no idea why. Maybe he thought I was engaged in drug-seeking behavior. Or maybe he was having a bad day. But he wouldn’t submit the refill. I hung up the phone and screamed. Loudly. Which really is not a good thing to do when your lungs don’t work.

Murry came up and rubbed the spasm out of my shoulder and listened to me vent and offered to be my medical power of attorney so he could deal with these people for me. But he’s the one with the real job that earns real money and when I’m sick he also cooks and cleans and does the shopping and walks the dogs. I may not be any good at the shitty job I had, but there’s no way I’m going to make him do it.

I switched tactics and chatted with someone through the Walgreen’s app. He was lovely and had no problem submitting my prescription for a refill. Easy peasy.

My final task for the day was calling to find out about the status of my CPAP prescription. I don’t have sleep apnea but while I’m asleep my breathing does slow down significantly enough that my oxygen drops (hypopnea). I need a special CPAP that adjust the pressure to my breathing, but it will get me off of oxygen at night. I’m very excited for it.

My insurance does not require prior authorization for CPAP prescriptions. However, St. Pete’s has its own prior authorization department that I guess makes sure you are not lying about not needing prior authorization? This department is, apparently, understaffed. I called my oxygen “rep” to find out how it was going. She very kindly bypassed the prior authorization department and called Blue Cross directly. Blue Cross informed her, as had I, that a prior authorization was not necessary. She could officially get me a CPAP.

Except that there is a national CPAP shortage. So she will try her best to get me one as soon as they get more. Hopefully this month. Even the rare, wonderful people who try to help you are sometimes as helpless as you.

I didn’t cry this time. Crying doesn’t fix anything and I can’t risk losing more oxygen. So I turned to writing therapy instead.

This was a bad day at work, but there are rarely good ones. It sucks to be sick, but I’m smart, articulate, overly educated, wealthy, and white. It could suck so, so much more. Someday I’ll turn all of this knowledge that I never wanted into something that helps people other than myself. Until then maybe someone will read this and know they are not alone. If being sick is your job, I see you. I would give you a hug—or a bonus!—if I could.

[aikainkauna]

It's very sweet of you to say that; thank you. I wish I had that kind of faith in my wri--no, actually, scratch that, because people who think they are super-talented geniuses are often such cunts, and don't bother to use enough quality control at times because they're overconfident. See every rubbish writer whose personal views and fetishes and personalities/egos shine through in their works to the point of embarrassment squick. (Not that you *can't* write about your fetishes and views, but good writers make those relatable and immersive instead of making the reader wince.)

Anyway, considering the amount of time I spend rereading and re-editing my fics (for word choices rather than chopping out pieces, mind), I have the opposite problem in that I always find something that embarrasses me and I want to fix it. The usual syndrome of the poet who is never 100% satisfied and is still revising her poems on her deathbed. (The other day, I realised--to my horror--that if I were a film director, I'd be the female von Stroheim. Complete with whip.) So what's difficult, almost impossible for me is to decide when something should be left alone and what could/ should be tweaked. It's easier for me to leave alone shitty old fics in fandoms I'm no longer active in, but from 2012 (i.e. Anno Veidt) onwards, all the Conniefic is this living, breathing work I'm engaging with all the time, like a wild-ish garden. I'm constantly planting new stuff and raking away dry leaves, but haven't got the heart to prune every sprawling rosebush full of gaping bums (but I may change the 'hole's into 'anus'es and 'juices' and 'pre-ejaculate's into 'sap's). But it's always difficult to not overstep and go all George Lucas on that stuff. Should I preserve 2014 Grouse, even if 2018 Grouse's way of expressing the same thing is a bit more refined, since her vocabulary is better?

But, IDK. Now I rambled mostly about re-editing older fic. And this is a bit different. The problems I'm running into are the good old syndrome of having said/done the same things a million times already, and the quietness of the fandom because I don't get the stimulation that talking about the ships/movies/fics provides. The latter alone could keep me going indefinitely, but people tend to drift away and/or have lives (and that's human) and the rest of the Veidt fandom is full of asexuals (which is fair enough) or outright prudes (which is tiring) or child-women or such mind-blind types I can't even have a normal pervy fangirl conversation about ships and porny fic with them. So I don't really have the chance to grab more inspiration/confidence because the dynamic interpersonal back-and-forth (which is like an engine for fic!) isn't there. There have been like... maybe half a dozen of the usual fanficcer types in that fandom?! (Why did the timeline of the woman who wrote the first slashfic and was *also* a Connie fan not overlap with mine? The injustice!)

Anyway, now I digress into whining again. But it's definitely an unusual thing, having to find your way in the dark and to write all the fic in a fandom without never quite knowing what works in the way you want it to work (rant about the death of fic commenting culture here. Thanks a lot for making everyone paranoid, Tumblr moral police and anxiety culture. Works real well on top of The Patriarchy and Shitty Female Self-Esteem already making women ashamed of/bullied and traumatised out of expressing sexuality or anything else, for that matter). Oh, godsfuckingdammit, but I am a grumpy sod tonight, aren't I? I could've used all these keystrokes on Roses 24 instead!

Anyway, bottom line: I know people come in for the porn. I don't want to let them down. The moment they think it's gen, they fuck off--The Fields of Longing has some of the hottest and queerest and rawest sex scenes I've ever written for Jaffar/Pwinzezz, but guess what? Despite all those kinks listed in the tags, I made the mistake of using a cute and funny and characteristic scene as my excerpt in the summary and it's one of my least read ToBfics. But mention "rimming" or "a sadistic Nazi baron" and WLW pussynommings in the summary and BOOM, blockbuster time.

So, you know. I am not going to fool myself; the poetry and the history and the OCs and the mysticism are treats for myself and not what 98% of the readers come in for. And I hate false advertising so fucking much, and those fics that put in one clumsy paragraph-long sex scene at the end just to hike the rating up, to lure in readers. So, having been disappointed by those myself, I don't want to inflict that same kind of emotional suffering onto anyone else. It's like getting someone hot and wet and then suddenly cockblocking them, and that's *low.* If it fuckin' says Explicit and the tags list kinky shit, I want to give people their money's worth.

I know. Fucking laughable of me to think of the readers so much since nobody comments anymore and it's the done thing to take porny fanfic for granted, to not give a shit--but I can't help it; it's an honesty thing, a fairness thing. Is this my mixed Finnish/British acculturation/socialisation thing? Is this toxic femininity-style excessive self-sacrifice again? (It sure as hell is toxic-feminine passive-aggressive bitching, this post, Grouse. Stop whining.)

But I mean it. I'm in tears here because I fucking CARE about the fics and the readers and the characters, sincerely. If I'm pissed off at the death of commenting culture, I am *not* saying that because my ego needs stroking but because of the wider, social, cultural reasons--whenever I'm upset about something it's always, *always* because of a thing's wider implications; personal matters are so small and insignificant when you're looking at the bigger picture. I mourn for collective, human reasons, like the grief an anthropologist feels when watching a dying folk dance, hearing the ancient poems from the lips of the last person who remembers them and who is 101 years old with nobody left to pass it on to. That day the last speaker of a language dies. The grief of looking at Alexandria's ruins and kids using them as toilets, using the last scraps of paper from ancient inventors' books as loo roll.

So, all in all, it's so fucking difficult to get right when you're navigating with no echo, no radar, no knowledge of what works and what doesn't. And the opposite is/was what makes fanfic unique, I find: the human contact. The back-and-forth, the organic feeling, the connectedness, the feeling of yourself and your work being a part of something bigger.

I suppose that's a major part of what being human is all about--wanting to connect, to contribute, to feel like your work matters. And I don't want to lose those connections, the pathways, the human-to-human portals the fic--the sex scenes, specifically--create. I'd hate for it to grow cool, for it to fade away, because passion is such an integral part of it; hell, passion is the very core of it, from which the stories and creativity itself emerge--the spark of passion, attraction, love that is our relationship with these characters. I'd be *horrified* if I ever started to truly lose *that.*

Actually, Dave up there once said one of the most wonderful things anyone's ever said of a fic of mine--that it "makes love with the audience." So that's at the core of my concern--how to keep that lovemaking going while still growing (and aging!) as a person, and to hopefully share a part of that journey with the readers, to be on the same train with them for a few stories' duration at least. I want to give the best I can, for the characters, for Connie, for the readers, for myself and for the world.

Because I care, dammit.

Query

Legitimate non-jokey query:

Is 3-3,5 pages long enough for a satisfactory Grousefic sex scene? This includes foreplay, with Jaffar undressing Yassamin with The Veidtgaze™ and stuff. But they kind of breezed through it and there was no major kink or even bumming, just a cosy and simple old-married-couple exchange of tenderness. I’d kind of built up to it, even at the start of the fic (where they already had a one-paragraph quickie and said they’d do a proper shag later that night), so now I worry it might feel anticlimactic. Especially because I am the queen of neverending marathon sex scenes, which I know (most?) readers expect from me. I mean, I know they aren’t there for the deep insights of medieval Islamic metaphysics in relation to cheetah-rearing in 9th century Samarkand, that’s for sure.

IDK. My libido isn’t quite what it used to be and I feel like I’m entering early menopause (and it actually feels pretty nice and like I have more energy than I used to do), so that influences the fics as well, of course. Hasn’t stopped me from being a pervert, of course, and it’s not like I’ll have the motivation to write pure gen or anything (I need those hotties to bang!) but I feel like the balance is shifting a bit there. And I know my sex scenes have been too stop-start-stop and it gets tedious even for me when I reread the stuff, so it’s more like I’m now making them more concentrated than spread out all over the place, and that I am (or rather, Jaffar is) no longer trying to shoehorn ten kinks into one night when a few will do quite nicely.

So, anyway. What are your thoughts?

[icanseeyoufromhere]

On lists and lessons

March 26, 2018.

December 10, 2018.

January 14, 2019.

February 26, 2019.

April 24, 2019.

June 20, 2019.

These are dates that I’d like to say I’ll always remember, but I probably won’t. I mean, I am terrible with names, dates, all that good stuff. 

For example, I often confuse my kids’ birthdays. 

This gaffe is not totally unreasonable. Camilo was born on 9/18/15, and Magdalena was born on 9/14/17. Both are September babies, and all the other numbers in their birthdates sit in the ‘teens, really close to each other. But I’ve had people look at me twice, because I get the dates wrong. You do not want the receptionist at the ER questioning your maternity in the middle of the night when your kid has got croup.

So I’d like to say I will remember the dates of my six surgeries, but I am just not sure. 

Happily, I have this little blog, and now the dates are forever archived somewhere in the ether, for generations to come:

1. March 26, 2018. First (unilateral) mastectomy on left side, to remove cancerous tumor, with removal of lymph nodes and insertion of expander.

2. December 10, 2018. Emergency replacement of expander with silicone implant so that I could have an MRI of my ovaries. Fat grafting to help fill out the implant so it would look more natural.

3. January 14, 2019. Second (unilateral) mastectomy (prophylactic this time) on the right side, with insertion of expander. Excision on the left side to scrape out some remaining tissue that wasn’t fully cancer free and also to remove a patch of skin that was dangerously thin.

4. February 26, 2019. Total hysterectomy, including removal of tubes and ovaries.

5. April 24, 2019. Emergency replacement of expander on the right side because skin had become blistered and eventually ruptured. 

6. June 20, 2019. Replacement of expander with silicone implant on the right side. Fat grafting on both sides to help fill out the implants.

My kids’ grandkids didn’t even know they wanted this list! And now they have it. You’re (all) welcome.

Anyway, I have had six surgeries in just over 15 months. Four were planned. Two were not. My body has been through the ringer. I’ve taken so many drugs of so many kinds--antibiotics, opioids, acetaminophen, stool softeners, even a bit of valium; had lots of JP drains (including one currently); and have so many scars all over my torso, my breasts, and between my legs.

It shouldn’t surprise that, over the course of these medical procedures, I’ve learned quite a bit about myself. I thought I’d list a few of those lessons here, alongside (or just below, really) the list of dates of the surgical interventions that have marked my life (and my family’s life) since I had my first mastectomy last March 26.

A short-term thing (god, I hope it’s short-term):

1. I now go to bed with the reasonable expectation that I will be up for at least half the night (often more), unable to sleep. 

Early menopause has not been completely unkind to me. The hot flashes are hot, but they’re manageable. I’m feeling generally pretty good emotionally, although now when I get mad (not an uncommon thing, heh) I tend to get really mad, really fast.

But I don’t sleep. I mean, sure, I will fall asleep, often as early as 8:30 (because I’m so damn tired). But I will quite reliably be up again, sometimes at 10, sometimes at midnight, but always before 2 am. And then I’m up. Like, really up, often for a really long time. Hours and hours. With phone, without the phone (I know the screen messes with our sleep cycle), it doesn’t matter. And I am so fucking tired. 

During those sleepless hours, I spend a lot of time wondering. I wonder how long one can function with so little sleep. I wonder if lack of sleep can cause cancer. I wonder if this world will be around long enough for my kids to have grandkids. I wonder about concentration camps and my kids drowning in pools and if I passed along my genetic mutation to either (or both) of them. You get the gist. These are not pleasant musings. I try to shift course, meditate, play Wordscapes on my phone. I run through my old high school balance beam routine, over and over in my head. I get up, kiss my kids, drink water...I NEED TO SLEEP. So, so desperately. 

I’ve learned, in short, that early menopause for me means coping with temporary insomnia.

Other, longer-term lessons:

2. Each surgery has required at least a couple days of repose. I have learned, however, that I. Cannot. Just. Sit. Still. Four hours after my total hysterectomy I was picking up toys and sweeping the floor. You know, just some light housework after having a few reproductive organs removed. It’s rather sick. I’m not proud of this. My inability to lie in bed probably helped produce some of the physical setbacks and at least one of the emergency surgeries (#5. April 24, 2019). It has not, however, produced ANY FUCKING SLEEP. So go figure. 

3. I am a lazy medicator. I mean, I took my antibiotics every six hours for seven days, as per doctor’s orders. But I’m really bad with pain management. To wit: I still haven’t taken the 500 grams of acetaminophen that I was supposed to take two hours ago, even though I feel quite a bit of pain under my right armpit, where the scar is healing and the JP drain is protruding from my skin. It’s the same when I have a headache, or when I used to have menstrual cramping. I just ride out the discomfort, as if science hadn’t created tiny, magical pills to take away the pain. I don’t know why I am like this. I literally just typed about my need for acetaminophen. I have the acetaminophen right next to me, as well as a glass of water. And I still haven’t taken it! What is wrong with me? 

(I just took the acetaminophen.)

4. When I woke up this morning (after falling asleep some time around 4 am), my feet were where my head should be. As in, I decided to flip around and put my pillow at the foot of the bed. As a long-time poor sleeper, I, at some point along the way, realized that this shift in perspective could at times help me fall asleep.

Matias mocked me earlier today about this, saying something to the effect of: “What do you think that does for you? It’s ridiculous.” 

(Oh, the hormonal-induced RAGE.)

Setting aside my offense for a moment, let me put on my social scientist hat. There could be science at play here. Flipping the person is not unlike flipping the mattress, right? And there is loads and loads of research (read: un-verified websites like this one) on the benefits of a flipped mattress! So, yeah, when I cannot sleep, I have learned that turning around at night can help. Insomniacs, take note.

5. Finally, and perhaps rather cheesily, my body is fragile and also fierce. 

When I had the emergency expander replacement (again, surgery #5, April 24, 2019), my plastic surgeon used both stitches and staples to close up the space where the bad skin used to be. It was the most Edward Scissorhands-y of all of my surgeries. The suture crossed my breast, from about 2:00 to 8:00, just missing the nipple. It was creepy. I couldn’t look at it. I didn’t even document it with a photo, so I can’t share the evidence with you here. (Sorry...or, perhaps, you’re welcome?) 

In the matter of a 1.5 hour surgery, my body had been opened and then sealed shut, with metal and twine and glue. For weeks after, I looked like a sewed up ragdoll from the stories (and nightmares) of my childhood. 

My skin, so delicate and yet so robust. Today, you can barely see the scar. 

When I look at my JP drain, my scars, my new breasts, my newly curly hair (it’s called “chemo curl”), I think that we, as humans, are simultaneously strong and weak. So prone to damage, and also so highly resilient. Vulnerable to illness and yet up to the challenge of fighting it. 

I don’t seek to resolve this paradox. I marvel at it sometimes. I cry about it too. I’ve lived with it for months and think it probably best to simply describe rather than explain its existence. 

I will say this. The duality of our physical reality (its fragility and its ferocity) does give me hope, for my kids and for us as a society. (When I get real dramatic I extrapolate all the way out to humankind as a whole.) 

We impart pain, we receive it, we recover. We hurt and we heal. Hopefully, we learn at least something from the process. 

It’s been seven days since my last surgery, and I’m still spending a lot of time in bed, despite a (growing) list of work to do, an impending move to another country, and a house that is just begging to be cleaned. It took six surgeries, but I now know that rest is important--indeed, necessary--for our fragile bodies to recover their strength. 

Add that to my list of lessons learned.

[shesurfs1]

Surf Crone

(illustration by Jeffrey Thompson)

When I started this blog, I searched for the right name. It needed to express both the surfing and the learning, and give a sense of myself: older, female, exploring a topic from an unusual point of view. I considered calling it “Surf Crone.” That would express the gist of my endeavor, I thought, and nicely juxtapose two seemingly incongruent ideas. Vanity got the better of me—I wasn’t quite brave enough to don the babushka of “crone”—but I regret the decision at least a little.

The reason being that our feminine archetypes need some bolstering, and if I won’t risk a bit to do it, who else should? Witches have been pretty well rehabilitated, what with a brewing Wiccan movement and the witches, young and old, of the Harry Potter series. Crones, not so much. Jon, my husband, was appalled I would consider applying the word to myself. He sees beyond my gray hairs and wrinkles to the 25-year-old woman he married, and “crone,” to him,  fit neither me nor my new adventures of surfing and learning.

And if you look at the perception of “crone,” it certainly is not flattering. According to the online etymological dictionary, the word comes from the Latin for “carrion” and is a “term of abuse for a cantankerous or withered woman.” That’s not how I see myself, certainly. But increasingly, I’m afraid, it’s how the world will see me, because that’s how it sees older women in general.

My surf buddy Gretchen, who’s about my age, had a birthday recently and confided that she has come to hate being told, “You look so good for your age!” I know what she means: the intended compliment is killed by the caveat. It implies that you’re expected to look bad, at this age, and you probably soon will—you’ve beaten the odds for the moment, but decrepitude and ugliness are just around the corner. It also implies that with ugliness comes irrelevance. What use is a woman who doesn’t look good?

This is the flip side of the experience young women have in our society, of the attitudes that led to the #MeToo movement. It’s no surprise that movement began in Hollywood, where thrives an extreme version of our culture’s deeply weird valuation of women. There, where sexuality is a female’s near-singular asset, actresses are mostly out of work after age 30. But it’s not just Hollywood—a culture that discounts a woman’s brains, morals, tenacity, compassion, and other non-physical characteristics will find little use for her once she’s past her prime lust-inducing age.

Nature knows better. Humans are one of the few species where females routinely live well past child-bearing age. On average, we spend a third of our lives post-menopause. Researchers studying this odd trait in killer whales, one of the other species where post-reproductive females live on for long periods, have found that such females routinely lead their pods to salmon hunting grounds, using their decades-long knowledge of where the fish are likely to be. Anthropologists studying hunter-gatherer societies have found a similar benefit to young human families that have an older-generation female present. Across multiple societies, children are more likely to survive if they have grandmothers around taking on work, bringing food, and helping young mothers with childcare. Grandmothers, it turns out, are not just nice to have—they provide a critical evolutionary edge.

(photo by Christopher Michel, CC BY 2.0)

Many anthropologists believe that early human societies were likely matriarchal, led by the older females of the clan. Those…let’s call them crones…would have known where to look for food and medical herbs, would have understood about moon and sun cycles and been experienced with the patterns of animal life and the extremes of weather. Once beyond the responsibilities of caring for their own children, they could have turned their attention to the needs of the wider group.

I look at women my age and see them being leaders in my workplace and community. They use their connections and knowledge of how systems work to build coalitions, form strategies, organize happenings, muster resources, and influence policies. Many care for the children of their children. They’re awesome—but still, they fret about wrinkles and gray hair, and spend way too much valuable time, not to mention money, trying to cover up signs of age. They worry, with reason, that people won’t see their value once their skin sags and their hands turn veined and skeletal.

It seems as though older women should be able to revel in their hard-earned abilities and wield power as elders without having to pretend they’re still young. In folklore, you can sense some of the awe that elder females must once have commanded. In old tales they have wisdom, power, and mystery. Sometimes they’re downright scary. I wouldn’t mind being considered a little scary, in this third stage of my life—anything other than invisible or irrelevant. But even better, I’d like to be able to find inspiration from some female equivalent of a Gandalf or Dumbledore, an archetype for my age that’s both strong and wise, with a woman’s slant.

Somehow, surfing is helping me figure out this transition to elderhood. It’s like a ritual passage, a deliberate movement to a new phase—something better than “retirement,” with its clear implication that one is stepping out of life’s mainstream. Heading into the water tests what I’ve learned of myself and life. It’s a way of reiterating my past, finding the currents that flow through most strongly—streams of physical action and natural connectedness, water and words, friendship and independence. Recognizing those currents, I’m paddling into them so I can be carried forward.

Surfing signifies a commitment to step up, not back. I want to use what wisdom I’ve gained to benefit my world, to become an actual elder, a crone who’s an increasing force instead of a wasted thing. If there aren’t good archetypes to show me the way, I guess I need to create my own. So I’m ready to join the coven of the Surf Crone. What that means, I’m not yet sure— but I’ll look toward wise old women for my direction.

[your-dietician]

These Everyday Activities Proven to Cause Cancer, Say Experts

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These Everyday Activities Proven to Cause Cancer, Say Experts

Cancer can leave you feeling helpless, the very concept an anxiety-inducing thing to read about. But we’re glad you clicked on this story, because the Big C is a health condition in which knowledge truly is power.

New research is constantly emerging about how to prevent cancer and catch it early, when it’s most curable. And that extends to risk factors. In recent years, scientists have learned a lot about what raises your risk of developing cancer, in addition to well-known factors like smoking and diet. Eat This, Not That! Health asked experts to reveal the surprising things that affect whether you might get cancer. Here’s what they told us. Read on, and to ensure your health and the health of others, don’t miss these Sure Signs You Have “Long” COVID and May Not Even Know It.

1

Drinking Hot Beverages

Cup of hot coffee

“There may be an increased risk of throat cancer with people eating very hot foods and beverages due to the irritants and heat that can stimulate cell damage,” says Thomas Horowitz, MD, of CHA Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center in Los Angeles. Some studies, including one published in the March 2019 International Journal of Cancer, have linked drinking very hot beverages like coffee or tea with an increased risk of esophageal or throat cancer.

The Rx: Rich in antioxidants, coffee and tea can benefit your overall health, support weight loss and help prevent cancer. Just don’t drink them piping-hot.

2

Menstrual History

woman with stomach ache sitting on sofa

“Early menstruation—periods before age 12—and starting menopause after age 55 expose women to hormones longer, raising their risk of getting breast cancer,” says Nancy Elliott, MD, of the Montclair Breast Center in Montclair, New Jersey.

The Rx: Talk with your doctor about what your menstrual history means for your risk of getting breast cancer, and keep all regular appointments for screening. If you have a child and notice signs of puberty before 12, talk to your pediatrician.

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3

Dense Breasts

Female Does Cancer Preventive Mammography

“Breast density is determined via mammography, so it’s important to get your annual screening to know your personal composition,” says Elliott. “Abnormalities are harder to find in patients with dense breasts, because both dense tissue and cancer are white. It’s like looking for a snowball in a snowstorm. Additionally, density is a risk factor for cancer — so it’s a double whammy.”

The Rx: In addition to regular mammograms, “we recommend women with dense breasts get supplementary screening, either an ultrasound or (even better) an MRI,” says Elliott.

4

Drinking Alcohol

woman drinking red wine

“An analysis of 53 studies reported that the relative risk of breast cancer increased by 32% for those with who drink 3 servings per day,” says Elliott. “Compared to women who don’t drink at all, women who have three alcoholic drinks per week have a 15% higher risk of breast cancer.”

Alcohol also raises the risk of several other cancers. “Drinking an excess of alcohol can increase your risk of developing cancer of the mouth, throat, bowel, and most commonly, the liver,” says Janette Nesheiwat, MD, a family and emergency medicine doctor in New York City. “Alcohol damages cells and is toxic to the organs, increasing the chance of cancerous cells forming.”

The Rx: Alcohol may not be a surprising carcinogen, but the amount that constitutes risky drinking might. To reduce your risk of cancer and heart disease, experts recommend moderate alcohol consumption: No more than one drink per day for women and two drinks per day for men.

5

Working Near Microwave Dishes

Microwave Communications Dish’s

No, your kitchen microwave doesn’t cause cancer. But microwave transmitters—an entirely different, industrial-strength thing—can raise cancer risk. “One potential cancer risk is working on roofs of buildings where microwave dishes are mounted as transmission devices. One can get exposed to radiation inadvertently when working in front of these, which has been linked to cancer,” says Horowitz.

The Rx: If your work puts you in the vicinity of microwave transmitters, talk with your doctor about limiting health risks.

6

Spending Too Much Time Sitting

businessman working on his laptop. Handsome young man at his desk

“Long stints of time on the couch, in the chair at work, or sitting in your car can increase the risks of some types of cancer,” says Cara Pensabene, MD, of EHE Health. “In one study, people who spent more than two hours sitting and watching TV had a 70 percent increased risk of developing colorectal cancer.”

The Rx: Experts, including the American Heart Association, recommend that adults get at least 75 minutes of vigorous physical activity (such as running or swimming) or 120 minutes of moderate physical activity (such as brisk walking) each week. If you work a desk job, find ways to be more active during the day, if just standing and walking around more.

7

Ordering Meat Well Done

well done cooked steak on cutting board

Eating charred meats—whether they’re burgers, steak or chicken—is a cancer risk. “When certain types of meat are cooked to high temperatures, they develop these chemical compounds known as heterocyclic amines (HCAs) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs),” says Pensabene. “These chemicals are mutagenic, according to the National Cancer Institute, which means that they affect DNA and may make you more susceptible to certain types of cancer.”

The Rx: When grilling meat, say “when” before it’s blackened. You can also take steps to reduce the formation of cancer-causing compounds while you’re prepping: Before putting meat on the grill, marinate it for half an hour, or zap it in the microwave for a few minutes. And speaking of red meat, read on to discover how much is healthy to eat.

8

Pregnancy

pregnant african american woman drinking green vegetable juice or smoothie at home

“Many women don’t realize pregnancy, or lack thereof, also affects their risk of breast cancer. If your first pregnancy is after age 30, you never breastfed, or you never have a full-term pregnancy, your risk increases,” says Elliott. “As women have children later in life, this is something to keep in mind.”

The Rx: Talk with your doctor about what your childbearing history means for your breast-cancer risk. Follow their recommendations about screening.

9

Sleeping With the TV On

Young woman sleeping passed out on couch after watching tv with a food coma

“According to a study published in Environmental Health Perspectives, men who are exposed to more light at night have a higher risk of developing prostate cancer,” says Pensabene. “More research is needed, but it’s suspected that exposure to artificial light during sleep interferes with melatonin production and the natural sleep cycle, which can have affect antioxidant levels in the body.”

The Rx: Try to sleep in darkness, undisturbed by the TV or bright night lights.

10

Always Skipping Salad

mixed green salad in glass bowl no dressing

Consuming dietary fiber isn’t just about staying regular—it’s also a potent cancer fighter. “Eating a diet that is not sufficient in fiber, fruits and green leafy vegetables can possibly lead to colon cancer,” says Nesheiwat. “Vitamins and minerals in plant-based foods act as antioxidants to help fight free radicals, or atoms that cause damage to cells. Lack of this healthy protective fiber can increase your risk of free radicals and can ultimately cause cancer.”

The Rx: Experts say women should aim to consume 28 grams of fiber per day, and men 35.

11

Getting Even Occasional Sunburns

elderly women Wearing blue sunglasses Walking around the sea

“Even getting a sunburn just once every two years can increase your risk of skin cancer nearly threefold, including melanoma skin cancer,” says Christopher Zoumalan, MD, a board-certified oculoplastic surgeon based in Beverly Hills, California.

The Rx: “Be your own health advocate by conducting regular self-exams, and if you find anything suspicious, see a board-certified dermatologist,” says Zoumalan. “Avoid sunburns, tanning and UV tanning beds. Cover up with clothing when you go outside, including a hat and UV-blocking sunglasses. Use a broad-spectrum (UVA/UVB) sunscreen to your entire body, with an SPF of 30 or higher.”

12

Using Toothpaste With This Ingredient

Toothpaste on toothbrush

“Toothpaste or oral products that contain triclosan have been recalled by the FDA for its link to cancer as well as endocrine diseases,” says Dr. Rhonda Kalasho of Glo Modern Dentistry in Los Angeles. “I recommend discontinuing the use of any such products that contain that triclosan. It is used to kill bad breath odor and is even found in some facial antibacterial soaps, as well as hand soaps.”

The Rx: “In 2016 the FDA restricted consumer products that contain the dangerous chemical, and by 2017 they also restricted the chemical in health care settings,” says Kalasho. “However, some of the products could still be out there, so you should remain vigilant.”

13

Eating Oats Sprayed With This Chemical

Pouring oats into bowl to measure portion on scale

“Glyphosate is a pesticide sprayed on many crops, including wheat and corn, which we eat as part of a ‘healthy’ diet,” says Terhune. “A study in 2019 measured glyphosate exposure in breakfast cereals and found that every cereal they tested went above the safety limits for children. Glyphosate disrupts our beneficial gut microbiome and impacts our immune system defenses. Glyphosate has now been legally linked in many lawsuits of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma patients.”

The Rx: Opt for organic oats, grains and vegetables whenever possible.

14

Not Getting Enough Sleep

Woman having trouble sleeping

Why do we feel so rested after a good sleep? That’s because the body repairs itself — fixing cellular damage, sweeping toxins out of the brain and ensuring our metabolism stays on track. When you don’t get enough shut-eye, all kinds of bodily processes suffer. Poor sleep has been connected to an increased risk of heart disease and cancer.

The Rx: Experts, including the National Sleep Foundation, say that adults of every age need seven to nine hours of sleep a night—no more, no less.

15

Working the Night Shift

Businessman working overtime in office.

Researchers believe that sleeping at night replenishes our stores of melatonin, a hormone that regulates the body’s circadian rhythms and seems to have a role in preventing cancer. Studies have found that people who work at night and sleep during the day have an increased risk of cancer. In 2007 the World Health Organization classified night shift work as a probable carcinogen because of that circadian disruption.

The Rx: If you work nights, talk with your doctor about how it may affect your cancer risk.

16

Processed Meat

bacon strips on grill

Bacon, ham, hot dogs, sausages, salami—all those staples of a All-American diet we all grew up with—are now considered as big a cancer risk as cigarettes. Literally. The World Health Organization has named processed meat a Group 1 carcinogen, the same as tobacco, because there’s evidence that consuming them regularly can lead to colorectal cancer. How? Researchers believe that nitrites, used as a preservative for processed meat, interact with natural compounds in the food to create a cancer-causing chemical.

The Rx: The American Institute for Cancer Research says you should not regularly consume processed meat including ham, bacon, salami, hot dogs and sausages, as any amount raises cancer risk. “AICR recommends avoiding bacon and other processed meats, saving them for special occasions,” says the organization.

17

Red Meat

ribeye steak dinner with potatoes on wood board

Even eating red meat that isn’t processed—including steak, burgers, lamb and pork—has been associated with an increased cancer risk.

The Rx: The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends limiting red meat consumption to no more than 18 ounces per week.

18

Having CT Scans While Young

CT (Computed tomography) scanner in hospital laboratory.

A CT scan is like a chest Xray on steroids: CTs use radiation to create 3D images of the body, and they’re useful in detecting issues that were previously only discoverable with exploratory surgery. But a 2013 Australian study, which looked at the medical histories of 11 million people, found having one CT scan before the age of 20 raised a person’s lifetime risk for cancer by 24 percent. The higher the radiation exposure and the younger the person, the greater the risk.

The Rx: Experts urge caution about those findings. CT technology has improved over time, and most doctors prescribe them only when absolutely necessary. But if you’re being asked to undergo multiple CTs, it’s reasonable to ask if low- or no-radiation scans like ultrasound or MRI can be used instead.

19

Ejaculation Frequency

Sperms viewed from the microscope

In a study published in the journal European Urology, researchers looked at the self-reported ejaculation frequency of 1,000 men. They found that men who reported more than 21 ejaculations per month had a 31 percent lower risk of prostate cancer than men who ejaculated four to seven times a month.

The Rx: First, remember that correlation is not causation. Science hasn’t conclusively proven that infrequent ejaculation is a prostate cancer risk, although researchers theorize that ejaculating may clear the prostate of toxins and irritants. And most men would argue that upping that frequency definitely wouldn’t hurt.

20

A Common STD

Doctor and patient

The sexually transmitted infection trichomoniasis is very common. About 3.7 million Americans have the infection, caused by the protozoan T. vaginalis, and only 30 percent will develop symptoms. More concerning: A 2014 study found that T. vaginalis secretes a protein that promotes inflammation in the prostate and stokes the growth of both benign and cancerous prostate cells. In a 2009 study, 25 percent of men diagnosed with prostate cancer tested positive for T. vaginalis infection and were more likely to have an aggressive form of the disease.

The Rx: Although the science hasn’t found a conclusive link, if you’re sexually active and may have been exposed to trichomoniasis, talk to your doctor about your risk factors and the benefits of regular STI testing.

21

Acid Reflux

woman having or symptomatic reflux acids,Gastroesophageal reflux disease, drinking water

Heartburn, or acid reflux—in which stomach acid backs up into the esophagus, causing burning or pain in the chest or throat—is often considered a simple nuisance. But over time, stomach acid can damage sensitive tissue, leading to a precancerous condition called Barrett’s esophagus. That could develop into esophageal cancer.

The Rx: If you suffer from regular heartburn, talk to your doctor. They might recommend a prescription, lifestyle changes or further testing.

22

Coffee

male creative sits by window having coffee

Coffee may be an underrated cancer fighter, thanks to its high antioxidant content. In a meta-analysis of studies published in the journal BMC Cancer, regular coffee consumption was linked to a reduction in risk of at least 11 types of cancer, including breast, colon, pancreatic, esophageal and prostate. And a November 2015 study in Circulation found that coffee consumption was associated with an 8% to 15% reduction in the risk of death overall, with larger reductions among those who drank more.

The Rx: Drink up. Just try not to drink caffeinated beverages after noon, as it’ll affect your sleep.

23

Sugary Beverages

Woman hand giving one glass of Soft drinks with ice. and one Glass with ice in glass ready to refresh you

You may know that drinking too many sugary beverages, like soda, increases your risk for obesity and diabetes. But a March 2019 study published in the journal Circulation found an association between sugary drink consumption and cancer. Each 12-ounce serving of sugary drinks consumed was associated with a 7 percent increased risk of death from any cause, and a 5 percent increased risk for death from cancer.

The Rx: Skip sugary beverages, and shun those with artificial sweeteners as well—they come with health risks of their own. Hydrate with tap water, seltzers, or homemade fruit-infused H2O.

24

Sleeping Pills

Man sitting on bed about to take sleeping pill or night medicine. Suffering from insomnia

Some studies have linked the use of hypnotic (a.k.a. sleep-inducing) drugs with an increased risk of cancer and death. Researchers haven’t found the exact connection, but why risk it?

The Rx: There are several sleep-hygiene strategies you can follow before requesting a prescription for sleeping pills. They include meditation, relaxation techniques, and avoiding screens for the hour before bed. If you’re having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about them.

RELATED: Sure Signs You May Have Dementia, According to the CDC

25

Ignoring Your Family History

Fill out the family history section in the medical questionnaire

If your parents had a particular illness, there’s no guarantee you’ll get it too. But there is a genetic component to certain conditions like heart disease, diabetes and particular cancers.

The Rx: Make sure your doctor knows about your family history of serious illness, and ask if any screening tests are warranted.

26

Not Getting Colon Cancer Screening

Probe colonoscope. Doctor gastroenterologist with probe to perform gastroscopy and colonoscopy

What’s the primary risk factor for colon cancer? Age: Your risk of the disease rises significantly after age 50. When detected early (as localized polyps), colon cancer is one of the easiest forms of cancer to cure.

The Rx: The American Cancer Society recommends that you get your first colonoscopy at age 45, and repeat it every 10 years. Your doctor may have different recommendations based on your family background and personal medical history.

27

HPV

Doctor vaccinating women in hospital

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 79 million American men and women are infected with HPV (human papillomavirus), the most common sexually transmitted infection. HPV can lead to genital warts and cancer in both men and women—including cancers of the cervix, penis, anus and throat.

The Rx: HPV is so common that most adults are exposed by the time they’re in their 20s. But because six different strains of HPV cause most HPV-related cancers—and the FDA has recently cleared the HPV vaccine up to age 45—getting vaccinated might be beneficial if you’re sexually active. If you’re concerned about HPV-related cancer, talk with your doctor.

RELATED: The #1 Cause of Diabetes, According to Science

28

Uncircumcised Sexual Partners

couple in live holding hads while lying in bed together

“Partners of uncircumcised men have a higher risk of cervical cancer,” says Horowitz. Why? According to a 2017 review of studies published in the Lancet, researchers found that circumcised men were less likely to contract HPV (human papillomavirus), which causes most cases of cervical cancer.

The Rx: HPV is so common that most adults contract it by their early 20s. But some forms can cause cancer, so it’s important to talk with your doctor about your risk factors and regular testing.

29

The Epstein-Barr Virus

Blood sample positive with Epstein-Barr virus (EBV)

“One really lesser-known thing that can contribute specifically to Hodgkin’s Disease is the Epstein-Barr (or mono) virus,” says Kylene Terhune, FDNP, CPT, a nutritionist and certified personal trainer who herself had Hodgkin’s. “This is a virus that in most people lays dormant and inactive after experiencing an acute bout of mono, but in some it can become reactivated under stress, such as food sensitivities or emotional or physical stress.”

The Rx: If you’ve had mono or EBV, talk with your doctor about how to stay healthy. “Someone with chronic EBV should become aware of how to manage it and support their body, since it’s been associated with up to 40% of Hodgkin’s cases,” says Terhune.

RELATED: The #1 Cause of Heart Attack, According to Science

30

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Hormone Replacement Therapy

For decades it was prescribed regularly to older women to ease symptoms of menopause like hot flashes and decreased sexual desire. Today, experts say hormone replacement therapy is associated with a higher risk of breast, ovarian and endometrial cancer.

The Rx: “Well-conducted studies have led many doctors to conclude that the risks of MHT often outweigh the benefits,” says the American Cancer Society. But it has issued no guidelines about menopausal hormone therapy, stating that the decision should be up to a woman and her doctor after discussing the risks and benefits. And to get through this pandemic at your healthiest, don’t miss these 35 Places You’re Most Likely to Catch COVID.

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