#also i love c!wilbur zombie headcanons but I feel like some of u use it to make him look more evil

[barzfrommarz]

there are two types of c!wilbur mischaracterization

1. Evil mad man abuser who hurts people for fun and blows shit up all the time and is freakily obsessed with tnt. Has red eyes and is always depicted as a zombie

2. Overly obsessive freak (to the point of overstepping boundaries and even stalking i’ve literally read c!tnt fics like that) over c!quackity or c!dream and is turned into a whiney bottom twink

[dykeza]

can u tell us more about the c!Philza headcanons for like age and shit bc im very interested in your thoughts

Finally someone asks the important questions.

I think his story starts when he dies, like well over 600,000 years ago a guy who loved life got wrecked by a baby zombie. He wakes up in Deaths Realm (home of his future wife aka the hottest woman he’s EVER SEEN) and is like “fuck shit dick and balls I don’t want to be dead I didn’t get to do this thing” and so the Goddess of Death is like “I’ll cut you a deal because you’re so respectful and also cute: you can become an Angel, and after training for however long you need to, you will go back to the land of the living and Live Forever. Or you can just die and go fuck around in the fields of forgotten souls since you didn’t know many people and spent most of your life doing Goddess/Me knows what in the forest.” Mind you, NO ONE has accepted this proposition since becoming an Angel is Painful and Long and Awful. But Philza Minecraft is two things: 1. Batshit insane and 2. Loves being alive. So he’s like “yeah okay lol. Sign me up for Angel training.” <- clueless.

Angel training is like… excruciating. 50,000+ years of non-stop training. And when I mean Non-stop I mean NO REST. For 50,000 years you have something to do. Like Sisyphus and that damn boulder. Always got to roll it back up the mountain. No matter how much you wish to rest, you are Not Allowed That and if you do it gets Worse. But at the end you get sick ass wings and immortality and a cool outfit and in Phil’s case, a hot goddess wife. Because he’s a chad.

He goes back to the land of the living and then from then till Now, he does whatever the fuck he wants. Can’t die, can fly, not a care in the world. Certainly goes through some hardships and survives a lot of terrible circumstances but he’s alive and that’s what he wanted. He wanted to live, he wanted to do everything he could, get all he could from the life he was given, which is everything. Along the way he meets many people and does many things.

One of these things is get wrangled into the Piglin colosseums, which is my own headcanon lore all on its own. He fucks around killing people for a while, tries to settle down, his family dies, tries again, his family dies, and he slowly realizes that the price of living forever is that he can never have a simple life. Everyone he loves will eventually die, and he can Never Join them. Ever. Trust me he’s tried. Sometime 500 years before the dsmp happens the Antarctic Empire happens so that’s fun.

Other small headcanons is sometimes he wakes up with no organs, Angels don’t have gender so that shit just changes based on the day. Sometimes he has blood and other times he’s hollow on the inside. He suffers frequent hallucinations of Wilbur’s dead body damning him to a hell he knows he can’t go to, but the pain is enough. He likes cooking and botany. He sews Wilbur’s sweaters and makes him a quilt each year to celebrate nothing in particular. Sometimes he wakes up and his whole face is torn to shreds and bleeding and other times his teeth fall out one by one but then he blinks and he’s normal again. He can sense when people can die, very vaguely, and he tries not to physically touch people because he can feel when their heart will stop.

He has boobs. Refer to the syndicate post for shirtless cPhilza propaganda. Phiddies :)