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sixstepsaway · 2 years ago

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It's gotten to the point where, having finished the show hooked on Blackbonnet, I now only trust Ed characterization in the hands of Izzy enjoyers. They don't tend to hollow him out to make him pure. Like. It's not even the usual bullshit that's been talked to death. It's that. What kind of fandom watches a character insist on getting stabbed by his love interest, enjoy it a lot, and then ask his ex fuckbuddy to whip his balls and also enjoys it a lot. On camera! In canon! And yet 6300 works later the Edward Teach Has a Pain Kink tag is not canonized and every fic I could find tagged with him and masochism it's either Izzy or Stede that's into it! Or Steddyhands! There's a couple Blackbonnet ones with Ed being into doling out pain or at least willing but no sign of Edward "Run Me Through" Teach anywhere. It's not even because he's often woobied, like we do that to Izzy plenty and the pain kink is a juicy plus there?

Blackhands doesn't go with Ed being a masochist but there I get it. If they're both into pain who's steering the ship? Even though I'd argue Ed is more blatantly into it in canon lol

I hope the canon Blackbonnet dynamic is more blatantly fucked up in season 2 maybe that'll fix this (after causing a fandom war or three and setting fire to twitter)

You know what? I. had not really... thought about that?

I think I was so wrapped up in the stabbing scene being a metaphor for sex that I forgot he was actively moaning about being stabbed through it.

And, to detour a little from Edward Teach Has a Pain Kink, which is absolutely going into all my fics now ty, it kinda also puts being Blackbeard into a new light?

Like, he seems to enjoy being stabbed, fighting etc, he shows that! So if every time his ship sails up everyone surrenders, I'm guessing he doesn't really get a lot of time to be stabbed, fight, maim people etc anymore. It's not just the lack of adventure/excitement, it's also a lack of everything else, including a casual indulgence of his desire to self-harm pain kink in an 'acceptable pirate manner'.

I remember seeing someone on Twitter saying how they didn't understand how antis could be in the OFMD fandom because "have they SEEN the show? it is BLATANTLY sexual and kinky??" and I watched it and felt it was a lot tamer than I expected (lol) but I assumed they were referring to like the daddy scene etc

but now, now i am imagining a future where David Jenkins' much longed for sex scene is kinky. I'm imagining a future where they're explicitly kinky on screen. I am imagining all of these things but also I am imagining Rhys and Taika having giggle fits about it in interviews.

Furthermore, I think a lot of the time in fanon what happens is that the first few people to write fics kind of... set the scene? I saw someone the other day talking about how in the Merlin fandom, Arthur is always portrayed as a bi jock and Merlin as a gay nerd who has no friends, despite in canon Arthur only really shows interest in women when he's enchanted, and is awkward af, meanwhile Merlin is running around like he owns the place, crushing on everyone regardless of gender, and making friends with everyone and their mother and telling the heir of Camelot where to stuff it.

But I imagine that because the BNFs of that fandom wrote Arthur and Merlin the way they did, everyone sort of picked up that characterization? And I'm guessing that's what's happening in this fandom too.

Those of us who meta, who actually deep-dive into what we see on screen (for example Izzy being terrified in the toe scene, Ed seeming adhd etc), what it might mean when picked into, and the depths below that surface meaning (izzy being horny in the toe scene does not make it consensual nor does it make it not terrifying and traumatic, for example. bodily reactions =/= actual desires) are a smaller portion of the fandom than those who make jokes, fuck around with 'imagines' and so on.

So when the majority of the fandom is going, "Hey! Izzy was horny being choked and horny being maimed," the fanon becomes that Izzy is a masochist. When the majority of the fandom is saying Ed is a pillow princess who wants to be doted on and adored and doesn't want to do any of the work, the fanon becomes that Ed is a pillow princess bottom.

(I actually... am not sure I agree, with that? He likes fine things, but liking fine things doesn't mean he wants to laze around or not do any of the work, nor does it mean he doesn't have the capacity to top, nor does it mean he wouldn't perhaps be a... is there a term for a pillow princess top? Like, lying there while Stede rides him type thing? Maybe that's just pillow princess top, hmm. pillow princess top, type?

And also, the idea that "Ed craves excitement and fun and he seems adhd and autistic af" translates to "pillow princess bottom" is... hm. Odd? Bottom I'm assuming they got from the stabbing scene ("oh yeah, stab me. put it in me, stede, cmon!") but to me it translates more to Ed being really in to like... physical play? Pressure, pain, temperature etc, and experiencing how those things feel, and also having like, soft, fine things added into their sex life? I feel like if Stede showed up with a fancy fine thing style butt plug, Ed would just bust a nut on the spot.

There's also that the things you enjoy in your day to day life aren't always the things you enjoy in your sex life? Shy passive people who are doms exist, for instance.

Ed strikes me more as someone who is deeply invested and actively participates in anything he does, and his disinterest in life in 1x03 is a showing of how his depression is gripping him.

Also if he's actually ADHD the likelihood that lying there being a pillow princess would send his brain off to lala land to suddenly remember where he left that knife he lost 17 years ago is high so he'd definitely need to participate and concentrate lmao)

I am going to write masochist!Ed just for you, nonnie.

Carrying on though, I wanna hone in on this bit:

I now only trust Ed characterization in the hands of Izzy enjoyers. They don't tend to hollow him out to make him pure.

fucking same

I love Blackbonnet. I finished S1 and I was like "this is amazing and i love them So Much", and you know I also love blackhands and steddyhands and gentlehands, but I do not trust fandom to not water Blackbonnet down to Pure™ and it makes me very nervous when skimming through AO3 and whatnot because the likelihood of "Well, Izzy deserved atrocities" and "well it's not like they DIED so it's fine you tried to kill them!" and such is just...really high, and it makes me upsetti spaghetti to deal with it.

Ed canonically has a temper. Ed canonically has impulse control issues. Ed canonically has mental issues. Ed canonically is a deeply violent and fucked up man. He went right to murdering his father as a kid, you don't do that if there's nothing fucked up in there. He was a child who murdered his father. And, regardless of what his father was doing, the jump from cringing watching him throw plates and hit his mother to murdering him with a rope on a dock is a big one. Rather like jumping from "We speak our minds here" to nighttime mutilation.

(To me, this implies the abuse ran deep and fucked his head up rather a lot, actually, and that possibly his mother excused and validated it as victims often do. Oh, he's just angry. Oh, he just had a bad day etc. Cycle of abuse etc etc and then you internalize the idea that if you're just angry or you just had a bad day then violence is justified. And then you're angry. And you kill your father.)

None of this is to say that fandom joking about masochism and pillow princessing etc is bad, just that it becomes ingrained in our subconscious as Fact over time when we see enough of it. It's a lot like propaganda in that sense, when you see enough of something false (which Izzy being a masochist or Ed a pillow princess is, since it hasn't been canonically shown nor stated, not like Ed moaning wantonly at being stabbed) it slowly seems more true until you're believing it wholeheartedly.

Plus, there's the factor that if loads of people love reading masochist!Izzy or pp!Ed, then writing that thing creates an echo chamber of praise and lots of people reading it and internalizing it and then writing their own and then it goes around and around like that.

Again, I don't think it's bad, it just explains a lot about why fanon goes the way it goes and a big chunk of this fandom is going to have a big storm coming when s2 opens and Ed is like, opening up someone's chest with a knife to play xylophone on their ribs for someone's amusement.

Final thoughts: I too want fucked up Blackbonnet. I don't want them to forever be soft and pure and sweet. I want more depth to them, please! And also let them be kinkazoid plz

#ofmd #blackbonnet #edward teach #edward teach meta #ofmd meta #our flag means death #ask #anonymous

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peachyysugaa · 3 years ago

Text

troublemaker

― dancer youtubers!lee heeseung x gn!dance major!reader

sparks fly when the top two dancers on youtube collab!

genre: slow-burn fluff, s2l

wc: 3.9k (omg i'm sorry) + 2 twitter pics

warnings: probably some wrong dance terminology, slightly suggestive (the dance is just 😳), short timeskip, it's cheesy please bear with me

part of my youtuber enhypen series, the fifth upload! feel free to read on its own~ ♞──────────────────────────♞

you finish off your last move with your arms wide open, your chest heaving up and down from lack of breath. smiling nevertheless, you know you absolutely love the feeling of getting your breath taken away after dancing because you know it meant you did your best. you walk towards the camera lens and peek at the comments through your open laptop.

"did you all enjoy that?" you ask breathlessly grinning. the flooding comments are filled with compliments from your cover of nct u's boss. however, one comment, in particular, caught your eye as others seemed to reply to it.

heeseung ✔ 2s ago wow that was amazing do you wanna do a collab sometime? 😊

line break insurance you've failed me 5x already

your eyes widen as you let out a gasp. "is that the lee heeseung?" you accidentally say out loud. you wince at the realization of your mistake. the comments are both praising you for your success in getting noticed by the other top dancer on youtuber and relating to your remark.

heeseung ✔ 3s ago haha yes it's me dm me if you want to hear more about it 🤍

"oh wow... this is really cool..." you state before blinking to get you out of your stupor. "well everyone, that's going to be all for y/n's motion of dance today! thank you so much for tuning in, love you!"

you wave goodbye for a few more moments and then shut off the broadcast, closing your laptop as soon as you do. you blink twice and suddenly let out a scream.

you stop with a gasp and cover your mouth with your hands because you cannot believe you forgot that your dance studio isn't the most soundproof of places. "sorry, other dance students..." you whisper to them but more for yourself.

taking a look around your escape, your passion, you can't believe you've made it to where you are, being praised as one of the top dancers on such a vast social media platform like youtube. if anything, you guess it runs in your family, after all, you are related to choi yeonjun, who is considered 4th gen's it boy.

though people were skeptical of you at first when you came on the youtube scene as a dancer after your older brother started taking more to modeling and acting, you quickly proved them wrong by showing them your talent and bloomed from then on. of course, you can't forget to mention the person who skyrocketed just around the same time as you.

and that was the aforementioned lee heeseung. you sigh as you finish packing up your clothes and things to head back to your dorm, glancing out the window to see the sun beginning to set. it seems today was a rare early finish for you.

"i could go for a coffee... i need to finish my classics essay anyway," you mumble to yourself, throwing your bag over your shoulder before hitting the showers and changing into a more casual set of clothes. the finishing touch is a baseball cap that sits snug on your head. tightening the strap on the back and grabbing your backpack and dance bag, you finally take your leave of your beloved dance studio and return the key on the way out. fresh air meets your face, allowing you to take a whiff of the cherry blossoms that have been blooming for a month or so as you make your way to the campus café.

ding ding, the coffee shop's calm doorbell welcomes you as your nose is hit by the sweet smells of freshly ground coffee beans. "welcome!" one of the servers calls at the counter, smiling at your figure that walks closer to order. "what can i get you?"

"hi, may i have..." you scan the menu quickly for a familiar drink. "a honey cinnamon iced latte please?"

"of course, name please?"

"choi y/n," you reply.

if they recognize you, they don't make any notion of it, simply scribbling your name on the plastic cup as you make your payment. you're grateful for the normal interaction and the peacefulness of the café, especially after a surprising stream. "i'll call you when your order's ready, choi y/n-ssi," they inform you with a warm grin.

"thank you," you smile back before going to find a seat. spotting a relatively private area close by with only a pair of boys sitting at the booth, you decide to take the booth two spaces away from them. one boy, you notice, sits taller than the other, but his face is covered by a baseball cap. the other looks like a freshman, his cheeks accentuated by a pair of deep dimples.

as you take your seat, you can't help but think the boy with dimples looks rather familiar but can't seem to place your finger on it. shrugging, you simply begin preparing to write your essay by taking out your laptop and notes from your classics ge. the moment you finish is when you hear your name being called.

"choi y/n-ssi, your honey cinnamon iced latte," the server's voice calls. on your way to receive your awaiting drink, you can finally hear the voices of the two boys sitting two booths down from you.

"did your crush just say choi y/n?" the one with the hat says.

'yes, that's me,' you think to yourself nonchalantly.

"weren't you just watching their stream, heeseung hyung?" another voice says as you pick up your latte and thank the server.

wait, heeseung? as in lee heeseung? it's when you turn around with your drink in hand that you notice the two males looking straight at you. now you're able to make out the features of the boy with the cap, and there's no mistaking it.

"lee heeseung?" you mutter out loud at the same time he speaks out yours.

well, maybe that wasn't what you were expecting today, but hey, life is full of surprises, even if they are one after the other for you. after that unexpected encounter, you and heeseung acquainted yourselves, he invited you to sit with them, and now you're sitting at their table, awkwardly sipping on your latte.

"right, so should i leave?" the other boy, who you found out is studytuber and vlogger yang jungwon (which is why he looked familiar to you), blurts out. you chuckle as heeseung shakes his shoulder lightly. "what? you two clearly have to talk about something, i need to study."

"yea, yea, lover boy. make sure you say bye to your crush on the way out," the male dancer teases, causing the younger one to turn bright red.

"don't call me that, hyung," he mutters before picking up his bag and leaving the booth. sure enough, you watch as jungwon passes by the counter and erupts into a nervous mess the moment the server beams at him.

"ah... so he likes them?" you think out loud.

"yup, it's been almost four months now. i'm the reason he even knows this cafe and that server exists," heeseung mentions, making you nod courteously. he turns his attention back to you with his hand placed under his chin. "but their relationship is besides the point. let's talk about us."

"d-did you have to put it that way?" the forwardness catches you off-guard, and you suddenly have a harder time swallowing a sip of your coffee.

"sorry," he says with a teasing smile. "i just think the collab i mentioned would be good for both of us, and it'll be really fun too."

"i agree, people who like you will come to me and vice versa," you nod. "but do you know what we would be dancing to?"

"so does that mean you're in?" he asks, smile starting to grow on his face. wordlessly, you roll your eyes and hold out your hand for him to shake. that's when his full smile comes out, causing your cheeks to heat up as you think about how much more handsome it makes him look. taking your hand, heeseung shakes it with his vigorously. "alright, dance partner, we have a deal."

after much deliberation and research, the two of you finally agree on troublemaker by the duo hyuna and hyunseung. heeseung suggested this song, stating that he always wanted to do the choreo with somebody and that it's destiny that both males have a name that starts with h and ends with seung. quite frankly, it's not like you could find much anyway, besides some cool music bank mc stages, it is cool that troublemaker was originally an opposite-gender duo in the korean entertainment industry.

the choreography however is an entirely different story. at many points, hyuna's body is touched by hyunseung and vice versa, but if they can do it and stay professional, then you believe you can too. besides, dancing will always be just dancing. heeseung also assures you that if you want, the two of you can just have your hands hovering, which makes you feel relieved to have an understanding partner.

hours pass by, and you and heeseung decide to meet at your usual dance studio daily after all your classes, which wasn't hard because he also frequented the same one.

"i still can't believe we attend the same university," you say aloud as the both of you pack up your laptops and supplies.

"i know right, you would think one of us would recognize the dance studio we go to 24/7, right?" he laughs. "although, i've seen you use a different one sometimes."

"do you really watch my covers and streams often?" you ask baffled. he and you wave the workers goodbye and make your way to the brisk evening air waiting outside as the staff sends you off.

"i do, is that so hard to believe?"

"a little," you reply sheepishly.

"well, let me walk you to your dorm and prove to you how much of a choi y/n stan i am," he boasts, and you let yourself laugh freely as you walk beside him to your destination.

it's strange, knowing a famous youtuber you watched also knew and followed you, but then again, you're not exactly nobody either. when heeseung drops you off, he admits that he actually lives a few floors above you and that you two can walk home together after each rehearsal. it's even stranger, knowing a famous youtuber literally has been on your campus, in the same dorm building as you, and this whole time, the two of you have both been clueless as to the other's existence as an ordinary college student.

speaking of which, he can't be a dance major, right? otherwise, you would've already seen him! these thoughts keep you tossing and turning to the point you don't register when you fell asleep. when you wake up, you feel as if you didn't get any sleep at all, but get up and ready nevertheless, going through another regular day as a dance major.

by the time your classes are over, you walk out of the studio yawning about to stop by your dorm to freshen up and maybe fit in a nap. you're holding a hand over your mouth mid-yawn when a voice starts talking to you.

"good thing i stopped by to get coffee." you open your eyes and close your mouth to see lee heeseung holding two cups of coffee. he's dressed in an oversized white shirt and grey sweatpants, a common dance practice outfit, so why is your heart skipping so many beats. "yo, choi y/n."

"heeseung," you say, still shocked. he hands you the coffee, which is actually the same flavor you got yesterday. "thanks."

"no problem," he replies coolly. "maybe we should take a break before we get to it?"

"i'll be fine, how about we can start watching the choreo?"

"they're always ready to dance," he nods with an impressed smile. "as expected of a dance major."

the two of you walk inside and book a studio for a few hours as you raise an eyebrow at him. "wait, what major are you?"

"music production."

"that makes so much sense!" you say relieved, stepping into the studio room for the umpteenth time. "i was racking my brains wondering what major you were."

"so the famous choi y/n is curious about me?" he smirks. you groan and facepalm in response. "i'm kidding, i'm kidding. let's watch the video on my tablet?"

nodding, the two of you watch carefully, eyes glued to the screen at your respective roles. you hold your breath at some touchy parts but also notice that both idols were able to shine in their solos.

"a few tweaks here and there, and it'll be perfect," heeseung comments once the video is over. "but let's go over some boundaries, yeah? let me know what you're comfortable with and what you're not."

"right," you agree, once again relieved to have such a safe and understanding partner like him. "well, i think i'm okay with you touching my arms, shoulders, and hips like hyunseung did to hyuna. i just need some time to get used to it."

"alright, that sounds good," he says nodding with a hand under his chin. "then for today, i'll just hover my hands over the places they need to be."

"what a gentleman," you tease.

he rolls his eyes playfully at you. "let's start marking."

and so that's what the two of you start on. with the video on the tablet, you go through the motions with the speed lowered, eventually picking up more moves until you're able to follow at the normal speed. as expected of the top two dancers on youtube, the two of you are quick on observing and learning the dance and get done with basic marking within 20 minutes or so.

after marking, you take a quick water break to watch the video again in full detail, officially beginning your first real practice. as promised, throughout the entirety of marking, heeseung has kept his hands to himself, but you've become comfortable enough to have him do a little more.

before you start practicing for real, you decide to speak with him. "hee," you call him as he puts down his water bottle.

"hm?" he confirms that you have his attention, looking up with his large doe-like eyes while wiping his mouth off from some excess water.

"uhm.." you fidget with your top a little before mustering up some courage. "you can do light touches now for the choreo."

"really? are you sure?" you nod at his question, causing him to come up to you and ruffle your hair lightly. you bat his hands away with a pout, smoothing out the mess he made as he laughs at you. "that's great, y/n," he says with a bright smile, unknowingly making your heart beat a little faster as you nod again. in your head, you rush to cover up the physical reaction with an excuse that it's just from the amount of exercise you've done.

the two of you stand in front of the mirror, ready to go. before the music starts, heeseung turns to you and says, "just let me know if i make you uncomfortable at all."

"i'll be fine," you reassure him with a small smile. that's when the song begins, and the sparks start to fly. every move flowed like water, yet every touch between the two of you was like electricity as if the two elements were working together instead of fighting. even though the touches are light, they still put chills up your spine, in a way that you can only describe with the phrase "meant to happen."

was fate moving its course to put this match together, or were you imagining it? you're not sure, but you grin while catching your breath once the first practice is over. falling to the floor softly, you sit with your hands splayed behind you and let out a relieved sigh. "ahh... dancing is so... great!"

heeseung chuckles at your reaction and offers a hand to get you up. "i'm glad you think that because we got a lot more practice ahead of us, partner."

"yup!" you say with a widening smile. the moment you took his hand, you felt an electric jolt that almost made you let go. getting up, you shake it off and barely catch the expression on your dance partner's face. "is something the matter?"

he blinks a bit before he's shaking his head with that charming smirk of his. "nope! let's practice!"

practice, practice, practice. that's how the next few hours go. and just like the day before, heeseung walks you to your dorm building, this time the conversation about how excited the two of you are for the recording.

that's basically how the next four or so days go, now that heeseung came into your life. your daily routine of wake up, eat, class, dance, repeat was shaken by him, because now he was a part of it. it's an indescribable feeling, hanging out with him. the best word, or phrase actually, is the same one you used while dancing with him: meant to be.

so when you finally get to the day of recording, you almost don't want it to end. at least, that's what you're telling your best friend and makeup artist, kim sunoo.

"friend, you're telling me that you and this guy have been following along to..." he tells you to look up as he curls your eyelashes. "a dance like that for four days and you've been getting shocks this whole time?"

"i mean, yeah?"

"y/n, i love you, but you're missing a little something, aren't you?"

"wha-!?"

"pucker up, sweetie, we're making your lips look kissable," sunoo commands. you do an eye-roll but do as he says. "if you don't ask him out or do something by the end of this, you can at least kiss your best shot at a boyfriend goodbye with luscious lips."

he finishes applying the color and asks you to rub your lips together and make that pop sound. "perfect," your best friend compliments. "go out there and get your mans."

"thank you, sunoo!" you say, gazing at your reflection in the mirror and loving the way he accentuated your features. "by the way, you're all talk. you should ask your celebrity crush out when they appear on your channel."

"i'll get there when i get there!" he whines and starts pushing you out of his dorm room. "just go get 'em, tiger."

with that, you make your way to the dance studio where heeseung is waiting for you, dressed in hyunseung's iconic suit with the leopard-patterned blazer. your heart quickens, seeing how much more handsome he looks dressed up, hair slicked back and some makeup done. he looks up upon hearing the door open and his mouth slightly hangs open as well.

the both of you are silent as you approach him, in your equally bedazzling outfit, sheer to mimic hyuna's stage dress. "you look amazing," the two of you say at the same time. stunned at the simultaneous sentence, you two immediately start guffawing at how this was unlike your usual interactions.

"that was so awkward!" you blurt out, unable to contain your laughter.

"yea, not like us at all," he admits while he wipes a stray tear from laughing too hard away. smiling at each other, you admire the way his eyes reflect your image and sparkle. "you ready to get this show on the road."

"ready as i'll ever be." the two of you get into your positions on the opposite ends of the room, and heeseung starts the camera and the music soon after. you take each step slowly to meet him in the middle as he takes your hand and brings it up to his lips to give it a kiss while smirking. you keep your face professional as the two of you take a few steps forward, the back of his fingers curled over the front of yours.

starting back-to-back, you walk forward a bit before the beat drops and heeseung's part begins. you're on autopilot as you dance your fingers from his chest to his shoulders, and then the chorus comes. hips swaying, you're able to feel his hands' light taps on your body as the two of you lose yourself to the music you've danced to hundreds of times this week.

then, it's your killing part as you lipsync hyuna's rap and take bold steps around heeseung's body, ending up behind him to bring your hands over his shoulders and make a scratching movement across his chest. you step towards his side, do your thing, and walk away as if playing hard to get.

you wait for his part during the bridge and make a side glance towards him before moving towards him and performing the hip-heavy part of the chorus together. your partner moves his face up along your arm, taking it in like you're a statue. you then act like you brush him away when heeseung gets close enough. after this second chorus, you're leaving him to do his big solo, watching carefully as he makes his every move precise and crisp yet flow well.

it's the last chorus now, and this time, you can't take your eyes off each other as you finally face one another. you stay drowning in his shades of brown without a single misstep until you have to walk away from him. you wait for him to come towards you, back slightly turned away as he jaunts forward, making his way to be captured by your hand behind his neck.

the last breath of the song is the one where you're supposed to turn your head away as his own chases yours, but this time, you brave forward and lean in close. the music fades away, but all you hear is his breathing, feeling it against your own.

you stay like this, ensnared in each other's arms, forgetting about everything except the person wrapped close to you as you feel his every breath against your lips and every inhale and exhale under your hand. he searches your eyes, looking for some kind of sign. "do you mind if i—"

that was all you needed before you're pressing your lips against his. it only takes seconds for him to kiss you back, moving his hands from their previous position on your hips to hold your face. becoming breathless from dancing was one thing, becoming breathless from kissing heeseung was another thing entirely, it was in a league of its own you note as you pull away and rest your forehead on his.

"we'll have to edit that out," you say after what seemed like ages of taking each other in while chuckling.

"i have a better idea than editing."

"oh, and what's that, handsome?"

"look at you getting all bold, troublemaker," heeseung replies with that smile of his. he shakes his head, moving away from you and taking your hand in his. "how about we go on our first official date as youtube's top dancer couple?"

"that does sound like a better idea," you agree, your own smile widening.

"then let's make it happen, sweetheart."

bonus! - click for full images

taglist: @cha-raena @imjustme-things @misoiishi @rikitaiyaki send an ask to join the taglist! :3c permanent taglist: @fiantomartell

a/n: wow this was a long one!! i'm not sure if i detailed all the movements well, but i hope you all enjoyed it nevertheless <3

#enhypen #enhypen x reader #enhypenwriters #lee heeseung x reader #lee heesseung fluff #enhypen imagines #enhypen fluff #enhypen scenarios #enhypen oneshots #lee heeseung imagines #enhypen heeseung #captured on camera #this came out more detailed than i thought it would be JFAIJFA

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yerbamansa · 2 years ago

Text

on revenge ranch, hitting milestones, and writing to process personal shit

trying to port a twitter thread over here, please hold for awkwardness.

Our Flag Means Death got me back into writing fanfic after a few years of not writing at all, and I just hit what feels like a milestone there and wanted to reflect on it. 🧵

I just hit over 100k words across 15 entries in a series, Revenge Ranch, a modern AU loosely centered on Jim and Oluwande but with POV stories from other characters too. It's definitely a case of "I write for myself," but thrillingly also connection with others. 2/

I'm not comfortable writing smut and plot isn't my strong suit, so it's not like I'm "popular," but writing as a means of processing feelings that the show and also life brought up has been its own reward. 3/

Specifically, of course, the show dredged up an awful lot of stuff about queerness and gender for me, which was a path I'd been on for a few years already, but clearly had (have) a long ways to go. So I wrote about people trying to find their place in the world. 4/

I wrote in a modern AU because, frankly, historical stuff was both too complicated and too icky in the details to be fun for me. Surely worthwhile themes to explore, but not for me. I just wanted people to get to be OK. Because maybe we get to be OK. 5/

The first story I wrote in the series was an attempt to explore how Jim and Oluwande ended up together, and I went with the latter's POV. Just thought we needed more fics of the pair, and figured it'd be a one-off. 6/

(so i went a little nuts in canva last week...)

Of course, once I wrote it, more story came to mind, and I had to switch to Jim's POV. Which was scarier. Harder shit to work through, plus actual personal (gender) feelings. But it cracked something open. 8/

And people commented/liked? There was discussion? Again, not in VAST numbers (which, honestly, that would be a lot to deal with, and I am an anxious soul), but the interactions I had and connections I made gave me a weird glimmer of hope. 10/

It's fucked up, honestly. I have long called myself "fandom-phobic" because it's just...a lot. Either you're hot shit or you're no one, and everyone's judging themselves and, uncomfortably often, each other. Cliquey. So a little niche felt right. 11/

Also, I am VERY MUCH in therapy, and my poor therapist has had to patiently listen to me rant about a TV show and fanfic for six months now while actually being supportive so uhh. Huzzah for queer therapists. Anyway. 12/

My intention was to avoid focusing on Ed/Stede just because there was so much of it already, but I couldn't tell the story without it. Plus, I just...really get Stede, in the sense that it took me a long time to figure things out, and wanting to escape. /13

At this point I decided the pattern was Oluwande➡️Jim➡️another character, so it was back to Oluwande, now more settled in, both at the Revenge Ranch and with Jim. And third-wheeling Ed and Stede's reunion. I wanted to explore his interests, though. 15/

Once you've been jolted out of monotony and things seem safe, what then? What makes you tick? Who do you want to BE? OK, also Izzy is in this one. 17/

Looking at one relationship through the lens of another person is kind of a fun challenge, especially when the third party is building a relationship with each half of the couple. So naturally, Jim and Ed gotta bond. 18/

ugh, i just realized i forgot to add alt text to earlier images. sorry.

Anyway, Jim/Ed's friendship was maybe the most fun to write, and probably the thing I think about/wish for most often myself. (I exist on the internet…) 20/

There's so much I can't put in these stories. I aim for sensitivity and some thread of honesty, but ultimately it's a personal exploration. Which may be careless on some level. I'm bad at asking for help, especially without something to trade. 21/

Anyhoo, next we have a tiny lil' Wee John story, which pairs him with Frenchie but leaves it open-ended. As a POV character, he didn't speak to me too much, but I love him. 22/

It's all exercise, trying to find someone else's voice. Some are so loud I hear them through everyone else. Some fade into the background and I need to work to pull them out. Maybe some aren't for me at all. 23/

The next Oluwande story was maybe the hardest of the batch to write. I had an idea where I wanted him to go, but couldn't take it there yet. But he has a role and a voice and things to do. He's observant. He's kind. 24/

...and his relationship with Jim is so damn important. That they're growing together in ways that lets both of them change and fuck up and hurt and learn. Which is what happens to Jim. /26

I honestly thought this would be a fun little fuckery story and then is really, really wasn't. I love Jim and I hate making them hurt but THE SHOW DID THAT OKAY. I'm just writing the fallout. /28

So they "faked" Ed's death to get rid of Izzy. It probably doesn't work, but also I don't feel like writing it /harder/. Ed deserves a moment of reflection. He's pretty prominent in a lot of the other stories, so the one-off is short. /29

Feeling yourself out takes a goddamn lifetime, y'know?

Next, Oluwande comes home from EMT training (growth! change!) and just has a long conversation with Jim in the car. Because I love writing them together. /31

(ok i'm getting self-conscious about the length and self-indulgence of this thread, but you can always bail, folks! might as well finish this!)

With a little feel-good out of the way, it's on to more pain. I'm sorry. /33

We've gone 10 stories with Jim getting away from the vengeance life and feeling maybe good about themself for possibly the first time ever. So of course a little bit of the past has to come back and test them again. /34

Grief is hard, and closure isn't always (often) really possible. I was fighting both the "make everything better" and "make everything worse" inclinations. Also why not let Stede's kids show up now? /36

Time for yet another POV character! How about...Lucius? I am a big fan of major life events happening outside the story. I'm more interested in regular life. Anyway, let's meet Lucius's mom and his BFF, eh? /37

tfw it's fine but it's not fine with your parents, y'know? I did say I'm still working a lot of shit out, didn't I. But also Lucius is such a good dude to have in your life. He deserves the world. /39

THREE TO GO. OKAY. I had the idea to do a two-parter in which Oluwande does the EMT thing during a big storm while Jim is back at the ranch. /40

First part has the first M rating of any fic in the series. I tried. I am awkward as fuck but wanted to give them more clear intimacy. GOD, I feel fucking stunted sometimes. There's that "working shit out through fic" thing again. /41

Because of the nature of the main story, I felt compelled to do more actual research than I'd done before, at least enough to get a rough sketch of relevant details. I watched a lot of storm videos, too. And bad shit is encountered. /42

I wanted Jim's story to be more...light and fun. And it kind of is, but weird feelings snuck in there. Just, surprisingly, not theirs. /44

Which brings us to No. 15. I wanted to write a Halloween story, and I wanted to find Roach's perspective. I have so many notes trying to suss out what everyone else did for Halloween, bur Roach doesn't give a fuck. /45

Roach has his own shit going on. Lots of it he didn't want to share, and writing around that--both what he shares as thoughts and what he actually says to other characters--was tricky. Sooo many notes. /46

But in all of these, there's a little piece of myself. There's stuff I'm trying to do that's different or trying to be consistent or whatever. Because it's project, and it's given me something to focus on. /48

I don't know where the story's going from here. I want to work on some other stuff, plus I need to, like, find an actual job that pays money and doesn't make me completely miserable. So maybe I can find my own path, too. /49

Anyway. There's a whole pile of feelings and fic links from an unemployed 40-year-old weirdo. If you wanna connect, I'm open. I'm mostly enjoying the corner of the fandom I can engage with and am so inspired by other creators. Full of gratitude. ❤️ /end

#my writing #writing on writing (sorta)#revenge ranch #mild revenge ranch spoilers #ofmd fanfic #ofmd au #long post

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xopinkmilk18xo · 4 years ago

Text

Get to know me!

1. Name

Courtney Jane Smith

2. Nationality

Australian

3. Age

4. Birthday

11th December 2001

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)

Sagittarius / Ophiuchus

6. Gender

Female

7. Sexuality

Bisexual💙💖💜

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

Ew I know

9. What do you/did you study?

I will be going on to study Children’s Nursing at University but in school I studied Sociology, Photography and Childcare

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?

I currently hold a part time job at my local corner shop, but will hopefully end up with a job as a children’s nurse or something to do with childcare:)

11. Your birth order

Aaron, Charlotte, Abbey, Me:), Lacey

(I think that is what this means)

12. How many siblings do you have?

13. Do you have good relations with your family?

Yes but not with my first oldest sister

14. How many friends do you have?

Like 2 lol

15. Your relationship status

Taken🥰

16. What do you look for in a SO?

Good personality, being good looking helps (dont want to date a troll u know) and well I guess that’s it really

17. Do you have a crush?

Yes on my boyfriend

18. When did you have your first kiss?

When I was 14

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?

Serious and meaningful

20. What are your deal breakers?

I’m not really sure:/

21. How was your day?

It was okay, could’ve been better but overall it was meh

22. Favourite food & drink

I love pasta like I could marry pasta haha. And my favourite drink is probably either fresh orange juice or something fizzy

23. What position do you sleep in?

On my side, hugging my pillow with my leg out as if it’s straddling someone (I’m lonely, my boyfriend needs to stay over at some point)

24. What was your last dream about?

I honestly wish I could remember but they are so fucking crazy right now

25. Your fears

Spiders, snakes, heights, large crowds, death (morbid I know) and being lonely:(

26. Your dreams

To travel the world with my baby🥺 as well as buy my own house, get my dream career, get married and have babies (basic I know but this is what I want in life and will feel so lucky and blessed if this happens)

27. Your goals

Same as the above I guess? To travel the world with the loml, become a child nurse, get my dream house then get married, have babies and live a happy long life:)

28. Any pets?

Yes! A cat called Binka and a dog called Shiro (Japanese for White as he is a white Japanese Akita)

29. What are your hobbies?

Cooking, baking, cleaning (weird I know), singing, dancing and sleeping haha

30. Any cool places in your area?

Um, I mean I live about 30 minutes from the beach and it has a “hidden cave” (it’s quite easy to spot if you know where it is) that I go to with a few friends some nights and watch the sunset. So that’s pretty cool

31. What was your last awkward situation?

They happen so often I don’t even know which one to write about I’m such an awkward person lol

32. What is your last regret?

I don’t know really

33. Language/s you can speak

I can speak Italian, Spanish, Russian and some French

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)

To a certain extent, yes

35. Have any quirks?

Um I’m not sure?

36. Your pet peeves

I have so many but my BIGGEST pet peeve is the people who like to one-up a situation so I have a friend like this but she’s like one of my only friends so I don’t want to say anything woops but for example I could say to her “I only got 5 hours sleep” she would then turn around and be like “oh well I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep” it’s like okay cool but stop trying to one up me thank u bye

37. Ideal vacation

DisneyWorld or Bora Bora (two complete different places I know but I’ve been to both many times and they’re both amazing)

38. Any scars?

I have a scar on my chin from when I hit it on the stair rail when I was a child and I have a surgery scar from when I had my appendix removed

39. What does your last text message say?

It’s me texting my email to my boyfriend because he needed it for something (kinda personal nothing bad tho)

40. Last 5 things from your search history

Majority of it right now is me googling Birthday presents for a family member as well as flight times because I was curious what the time from LA to Texas was haha

41. What’s your [device] background?

Lock screen is me and my boyfriend and my home screen is a flower picture I took

42. What do you daydream about?

A lot of different things, it all depends on how I’m feeling

43. Describe your dream home

Something small and quaint yet modern and big enough to raise a big family

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion

I have nothing against religion and what people believe in. I personally am not religious but I do believe in something. Not God or Jesus but I believe that something like that HAS to exists (sorry if I offended anyone I really did not mean to:/)

45. Your personality type

Really shy and quiet (social anxiety tings😚dont worry I have actually been diagnosed) but ince you get to know me I come out of my shell a bit more

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done

Went sky diving (it was terrifying)

47. Are you happy with your current life?

Yes but no

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life

I don’t really know how the hell to answer this question I’m sorry🥺

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?

A lot of different colours but I wear mainly grey and black clothes hehe

50. Favourite colour to wear?

Black or grey🤪

51. How would you describe your style?

I don’t really know, definitely not trendy I can tell you that but all the styles I want to try I just KNOW will look bad on me

52. Are you happy with your current looks?

Not really no lol😚✌🏼

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?

I honestly would change my entire face, especially my nose, if it was smaller I’d feel slightly better about my appearance (nothing against big noses lol I just don’t like mine)

54. Any tattoos or piercings?

I had my ears and nose pierced but took them out and just forgot to put them back in and now the holes have sorta closed up.

I then also have a small turtle on my ankle - for a close friend (still alive lol but it’s just a nice thing to have) and I have plans to get a few more just need to decided when I want them because I keep chickening out

55. Do you get complimented often?

Yes sorta but only by my boyfriend

56. Favourite aesthetic?

I’m not sure?

57. A popular trend that you dislike

I’m not really aware of any popular trends as of right now tbh

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?

Adore You by Harry Styles and for some reason Feel so Close by Calvin Harris

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like.

Mr Brightside - I hate the song (dont attack me pls) but it lowkey, high key is a BOP

60. Favourite genre?

Mainly throwback songs so I guess pop songs? Tbh my genre of music is all over the place

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?

I love 5 Seconds of Summer and One Direction but that’s it really

62. Hated popular songs/artists?

I HATE Dance Monkey and High Hopes (they get on my nerves so much idk why)

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5

September - Earth Wind & Fire

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Jealous - Labrinth

Bad Romance - Halestorm (such a bop)

Break Free - Ariana Grande

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?

I can sing, I also play piano and guitar (strings have broken though and so haven’t played in a while)

65. Do you like karaoke?

I LOVE karaoke

66. Own any albums?

Yes, mainly 5SOS and One Direction haha

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?

Sometimes, no particular station as I only listen to it to fill in the silence in certain situations

68. Favourite movie/series?

I love the Frozen films but also the Harry Potter films sooooo much

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc

I don’t really have a favourite tbh

70. Your fictional crush/es

I know it’s typical but I have the biggest crush on Harry Potter lol

71. Which fictional character is you?

I don’t know?

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so

No not really

73. Favourite greek god?

I don’t have a favourite Greek god but I like Athena purely because I like the name haha

74. A legend from where you live that you like

I don’t really know of any legends however there is a myth that a Panther is on the loose in the Blue Mountains

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist?

I like to look at art and admire it however I do not have a favourite artist or anything like that

76. Can you share your other social media?

I sure can:)

Twitter Instagram Wattpad

Snapchat - cjmushmush (you don’t have to add it and also don’t question the name I was 11)

77. Favourite youtubers?

Shane Dawson, Ryland Adams, Morgan Adams, Jeffree Star and The Dolan Twins

78. Favourite platform?

I am obsessed with Tik Tok so I’d say that’s probs my fave

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?

Far too much I can tell you that

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite?

I used to play minecraft and now all I do is play Sims 3 and 4 which are my absolute faves

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)

I don’t really have any

82. Do you play board/card games?

Yes but not very often

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?

No I didn’t even know that was a thing

84. Favourite holiday

I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH❤️💚❤️💚

85. Are you into dramas?

Yes

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?

I don’t know what a death note is?

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?

I wouldn’t choose world peace because then everything would be the same and it would be boring but if I had the power I would make sure everyone had a stable home with at least hot clean water and a nice warm bed, as well as curing world hunger because I’m nice like that

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Probably not

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?

A ghost

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?

Become a ghost haha

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?

Anything but Courtney - my name was almost Octavia so that would also be out of the question

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?

So many people I’d love to do this with so I’m not sure

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo

🦥 (only because I love sloths)

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

(these are the most random things I’m sorry)

I was born in the UK (not true, born in Sydney)

I am not single (True, I am in a relationship:))

I love avocado (I actually DESPISE IT)

95. Cold or hot?

Cold because that can = snuggles duh

96. Be a hero or be a villain?

Be a villain because I hate the attention (hero would probs get a lot of attention) and everyone hates me anyway lol

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?

Probably sing everything considering I do that a lot anyway

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?

Control time because I’d go back to the past a change some things then go back to today so I can still be with my boyfriend❤️

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?

Be immortal that would be pretty fun

100. ….. or …..?

What does this one even mean?

#gettoknowme #gettoknowmequestions #gettoknowmetag

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goonlalagoon · 6 years ago

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The Great Haus Bake-Off || Check, Please!

I have no memory of what caused me to start writing this, but been re-reading some Check Please fic and finally got motivated to go back and finish it...

(also on Ao3 here)

No-one was quite certain, later, who started it.

It had been a post-practice brunch, they all agreed, sometime in that period when everyone on the Internet - or at least, about thirty percent of the parts of the Internet that Bitty frequented and re-tweeted things from - was obsessed with Great British Bake Off, and someone had eventually said “It’s baking, it isn’t like it’s exciting”, and it seemed like almost everyone in the room made a sound of thoughtless agreement.

Then came the terrible ‘clang’ of an oven door being closed.

Instantly, the room fell silent. The look Eric Bittle turned on them all would freeze enough water for an ice rink, and for a long moment everyone at the Haus kitchen table was both trying to remember whether they had said the terrible thing, and wondering with deep seated horror whether if no-one owned up Bitty would actually withhold all baked goods.

Chowder actually gulped when he began to smirk.

“Oh, really? Y’all better be ready to put your money where your mouths are.”

It’s really only supposed to be a small thing. Bitty plans to just get the boys to try and make something - maybe a pie, or maybe he’d give them something fancier, patisserie of some kind - which they would all inevitably fail at but would probably make fools of themselves in some deeply entertaining fashion while baking. But Lardo listens to him patter on about it for fifteen minutes, swallows her pie, and grins.

“Say, Bits? You reckon we could turn this into a Samwell Men’s Hockey publicity thing?”

They even manage to get a sort-of sponsorship out of it by dint of Lardo sidling up to the manager of the cute little store Bitty goes to for baking apparatus - he’ll compromise on many things for the sake of budgeting, but when he needs another pie dish or his scales go on the blink, Eric Bittle is not afraid to invest - and cheerfully explaining the entire story. The manager is delighted and insists on being a judge in exchange for giving them a deal on some of the key equipment, because Bitty loves his teammates to pieces but wouldn’t dream of letting them near his mama’s set of cake tins for love nor money.

When the delivery arrives he discovers that the manger has even managed to get them cake stands patterned with skating boots and little snowflakes.

One of Lardo’s arty friends agrees to film it in exchange for permission to submit it as part of his film and media portfolio, and Bitty indulges himself in a full rerun of every episode of Bake Off aired so far to gather ideas.

Lardo joins him for most of it, already planning the spiel she’s going to stick up on the SMH website to cover the event and organising a few people for taste testing (with a guarantee of a Bittle produced rendition of the days challenge in case all other offerings are truly inedible as they both half suspect they will be)

Meanwhile, the rest of the boys begin to panic. Baking is not a skill that was widely associated with the SMH Haus before the arrival of Bitty, and their main interaction with baked goods is still firmly on the consumer end of things.

Ransom is seen carrying a stack of cookbooks up to his chin across campus from the library, and spends his evenings memorising recipes with the fervour he usually saves for last minute test revision. No-one quite dares use the Haus kitchen to practice, because what if they damage Bitty’s baking stuff he will either cry or kill them or both, and take over miscellaneous dorm kitchens to try and memorise the basic sponge recipe. A bemused Farmer lets Chowder use her kitchen, and promptly tracks down Bitty to ask what on earth is going on, because “he accidentally used salt instead of sugar and I know for a fact he’s done that several times before, why is he trying to bake again now??”

(She joins in with the GBBO re-watch and makes some excellent suggestions for possible challenges.)

Shitty attempts to make macarons, because he suspects that Bitty is going to make them all suffer. He pokes his failed attempt and concludes that Bitty may be prepared to make them all suffer, but he also loves baking too much to inflict this level of horror on himself, surely?

He largely stops trying to prepare himself and instead starts waxing lyrical about baking in the context of gender roles, mostly the hypocrisy that being able to bake a cake is still considered an essential life skill for a girl, but no one has ever thought it unreasonable that he has never baked a cake before in his life, and winds up on Wikipedia at three fifteen A.M. having gone down a Google rabbit hole that has somehow led to him reading the page about the societal structure of meerkats.

In the end, Bitty decides on three challenges, as a nod to the format and a fun way to get some variety; cookie decoration (he’ll provide the prepped dough, bake ‘em once everyone’s used whatever cookie cutters they want, and then they do the decoration), mini-cake construction (everyone gets a batch of miniature sponges, their choice of how to glue the two layers together and add finishing touches), and one actual baking round - the showstopper pie.

Lardo makes a schedule, because the Haus kitchen won’t take all seven of the team who got themselves into this mess trying to work in it all at once, so that they rotate between stages and go in batches to Murder Shop ‘n Stop to buy their pie filling ingredients.

It’s a disaster, and Bitty watches the chaos unfold with entirely unconcealed glee, keeping up a cheerful voice over - and if his chirps happen to distract the boys and lead to much panicked responses and second guessing, well, that’ s just the nature of baking in a high-pressure environment, isn’t it?

The first round of judging involves a lot of guesswork. Admittedly, Chowder’s blue and white creations are a lot easier to figure out if you’ve seen the inside of the boy’s room and could reliably guess what he was going to attempt, so there are a lot of puzzled looks exchanged amongst the judges until someone makes the link with the Sharks hoodie he’s wearing.

It turns out that Dex can do a pretty neat galaxy icing pattern if he puts his mind to it, even if he got the consistency wrong; Bitty may actually have to try it himself, sometime.

(”Jack, did you…did you actually do maple leaf cut outs with a maple glaze? That’s…”

“Gotta stay on brand, eh? And I was told I wasn’t allowed to do plain circles and decorate them as hockey pucks.”

Most of the minature sponge cakes are gradually sliding more and more lopsided as the various attempts at butter-cream or other fillings prove unable to hold. Holster has somehow managed to cut his at almost a perfect diagonal instead of in half; Nursey simply gave up and presents his as an ‘open sandwich’ rather than trying to glue the layers back together.

(“Shits, what did you even put in the middle of - is this marmite? Did you - did you seriously - why?”

“Listen, love it or hate it, and I happen to love it. Sweet and savoury, a classic combination -”

“Marmite victoria sponge is not a classic combination, Shitty.”

“I was told to be creative, thank you very much, unlike those of us who went with jam and butter-cream.”

“I like jam and butter-cream. Anyway, I did use apple jam, that’s not typical. And I put maple syrup in the -”

“Bro, I am also from Canada, and even I will say that is incredibly Canadian of you.”)

Bitty almost weeps when he sees the final range of pies produced. He was braced for them to be terrible; he just wasn’t quite prepared enough. For a moment, he wonders if this whole stunt was really worth it.

Fillings are burnt while pastry is undercooked to the point of being raw - or the filling is horribly flavoured and the pastry overcooked until it’s about the consistency of wood chips.

Ransom has managed a surprisingly pretty lattice over three-quarters of his pie, but ran out of pastry for the last section. Chowder forgot to leave air-holes in the lid of his (and put salt instead of sugar in the filling).

Nursey isn’t sure what ingredient he forgot, but it was clearly one of the essential ones.

But there is one pie that actually looks…if not something that Bitty would have baked himself, at least something he wouldn’t be instantly offended to be connected to. The lid is a near perfect golden brown, with precisely spaced snips to let the steam waft gently out. The pastry is precisely crimped around the edge of the pie dish, with the excess trimmed away to leave a clean margin. The filling is sweet but not sickly.

The decorative pastry maple leaves add a certain artistry, the main judge declares with the pleased smile of someone who knows they were created with a cookie cutter bought from his own shop.

The video of Jack being presented with an ice-skate patterned cake tin and a matching apron as he’s declared the ‘Samwell Hockey Haus Bake-Off Champion gets re-tweeted by Bob Zimmerman within five minutes of being posted, to a flurry of Twitter activity.

Lardo and Bitty were definitely not expecting their slightly-spite-motivated publicity stunt to go quite this public.

(It was a really good pie, though.)

#Check! Please #OMGCP #omgcp fic #my writing #I...can't remember what sparked this idea but it's been sitting 3/4s finished in my drafts for ages #I actually cannot recall if Jack's love of maple syrup is canon or fanon at this point #or at least his insistance on using Proper Maple Syrup

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sleepymarmot · 6 years ago

Text

A couple of months ago, after finishing COUNTER/Weight, I spent about a week in a total hangover, relistening to scenes and having feelings. I took some notes, but procrastinated posting them, and then finally got distracted. But, a) I hate leaving things I intended for tumblr unposted, even if they have value only for me, and b) I also hate posting things out of order, and there's a big TM liveblog incoming. So, here's a bunch of really random thoughts about C/w from past me.

The gnosis virus did go nowhere huh. I was hopeful for a minute when one of the finale intros mentioned it, but that was it. What was the purpose of that arc even. [Note from present me: Lol. At least I feel better about this one!]

Oh, and the patch AuDy left never reappeared either. And the idea from the faction game that Aria's images owned by EarthHome/Petrichor transmit Rigour code… That's the flip side of the coin. On the one hand, it's really cool to see the creative process – on the other, it sometimes feels like you're listening to people write a script for the tv show, but only get to see a half of the finished product. It's fascinating to see the universe grow organically and the players to come up with new ideas and get excited about them – but that means numerous retcons, some of them not even presented as such, because the creators forgot what the previous revision was or didn't thought it was important. It's a unique feature of the medium that player choice directs the narrative and it's not bound by railroading – but that means some roads lead nowhere, and some branches dry and fall off.

It's a bit harder to make peace with something that could have easily been developed more within the existing plot of the show. How come there's a player character whose consciousness consists of three different people in various combinations, but nobody seems to be curious how that works? No PC or NPC ever asked “Which one of you is speaking right now?” or something. The final episodes made a lot of things clearer, but it still felt too little, too late. Hard not to be reminded of that gripe about certain two characters sharing one character sheet one of whom was left underdeveloped and half-forgotten… Both are very ambitious concepts that require a double amount of work from the player, so I feel bad complaining they weren't realized to full potential, but…

Speaking of L&D… I still want to know how the hell did that one engineer all by herself design 4 gods, one of which became a basis for technology that was advanced even for the civilizations 80,000 years later? This woman singlehandedly surpassed any technological achievement of humanity before and after. Who Is She

I saw a “Wake me up: before you go go / when september ends / wake me up inside” meme and thought “heh, this sounds relevant, which member of the Chime is which?” and it already made me sad, but then I realized that I'd never actually heard the september song and looked it up and. The lyrics fit so well. What the fuck. It's an old song everyone keeps joking about. Why is it appropriate for a legitimate fanmix. What. I guess the word “September” will never be the same again for me.

I looked up the rules for Firebrands, the game used for the finale. Oh my, challenges for the dance minigame are so overtly romantic when you see them in a list together! Imagine this cast of characters having to answer to “do you place your hand upon my elbow, shoulder, waist, or hip?” lmao. Also I didn't realize “May I?” was part of the rules for “stealing time together”. (And I found out there's a party version of that minigame with bug-themed challenges. I might have dug too deep…) "Tactical skirmish" is a really fascinating concept, I've never seen such a masochistic combat system! Really faces the player with the violence they're inflicting: sure, you can always fight on, but are you ready to live with what you'll have to do? But for it to work fully, you need a lot of non-expendable NPCs on both sides. The one with the most likeable team wins! (Like Mako did.)

I'm relistening to Three Conversations and it's pretty interesting that Ibex has a bunch perfectly lifelike android bodies, right? There is no such technology seen anywhere else. Did Righteousness develop and privatize that? Are they so complex that only a Divine would have enough computing power to successfully mimic organic life? Can Aria convince Righteousness to help her perform on stage without leaving her duties? Also, like with AuDy, I wonder how Ibex & Righteousness' consciousness works. Is it a single mind, spread across every body he has, or even anything Righteousness is running on, having a bunch of different conversations at once if he needs to? Or is the original Ibex just gone, and what's left is a personality imprint hanging on to the connection to his still living body, imitating his former self like the automated recording Cass saw wore his face? In other words, has Ibex completely fused with Righteousness, or assimilated and destroyed by it? Does he not exist anymore as an independent singular being, or does he not exist at all? Most info indicates the former, but there was also “You’re not in there anymore” “No”.

If Orth and Jace are anime fans with their Kingdom Come and Panther, then Ibex is the guy who's way too into dinosaurs or paleontology. It's as if the heads of various confessions were called Triceratops, Stegosaurus etc. and only one of them knows wtf that means, and also he compares his Divine to… Were there scavenging dinosaurs? I'm looking at an article that suggests T. Rex might have been a scavenger, so yeah he would compare Righteousness to a goddamn T. Rex.

Hey what do you think is the most thematically aproppriate part of the Hieron anime for Orth to watch alone at night during the Kingdom game. What's the best thematic parallel for when he turns off the episode and thinks he made a mistake. Do you think that he once, after a long day and a long month and maybe a long year of feeling helpless and doomed, sits down for a distraction but ends up sobbing “How could they let this happen to Mother Glory”

On Joypark, there are definitely statues of Eidolons, ancient and holy, that were repainted and repurposed as Hieron deities. Imagine a giant Greek or Roman style marble statue of Apote – and it’s painted over as Samot, with an anime face and in really bright plain colors like these “reconstructions of original coloring” that actually only use base colors so they look like cheap action figures.

I was reading Austin's top ten games of 2016 list on Waypoint and he gave first place to The Sprawl! Aww!

The Downloads folder in my phone gallery is funny bc it mostly consists of every freely available f@tt map and also that one photo of Tristan Walker (because I tried to redraw it, very unsuccessfully). I go check a map and every time am met by Ibex just. staring at me. It's unsettling

Some of the many options for how Apostolosian gender could have been presented:

Apostolosians prefer to be addressed by the most neutral available human pronoun, represented as "they" in English, because the human languages don't have anything close enough

Apostolosian pronouns are represented in English by a set of real-life common pronouns and neopronouns

There's a list of Apostolosian pronouns and they're just used in English verbatim (Really impractical because the players need a cheat sheet, but the most fair)

Humans apply human genders to Apostolosians. Apostolosians may be offended, may find it convenient, or something else

As Austin said in the post-mortem, the Eidolon system is not gender. It's represented in English by titles/honorifics/etc

Any of the above, and the creators are aware of the difference between personal pronouns, grammatical gender, and social gender

And that’s not even touching the core problem of what the concept of gender in a futuristic, techonologically advanced society would look like. Yes, I'm complaining about this for the third time but I'm just. So tired of native English speakers' takes on gendered language. They could have made Apostolosian gender look like anything and they made it look like that fucking mess... God, I really hope TM is good enough to make me forget and forgive the experience of listening to “he... sorry, they” for 100 hours. [Note from present me: Well… mostly]

Here’s my take on this: eidolons in Apostolosian language are absurdly broad noun classes with associated classifiers (which fits both the idea that they’re gender but not actually, and that each of them is a patron to several unrelated aspects of life) Apostolosian: the word “(Apo)thesa” is used to refer to people who follow the corresponding eidolon, as well as for counting buildings, heavy machinery, military units, specific strategies and tactics, log entries, historical documents and chronicles, history textbooks and monographs, and eras :) Human: what the fuck

Very critical, imaginative worldbuilding in which 80,000+ years into the future humanity somehow has 21st century gender and 21st century capitalism! TBH, I find any sci-fi set in the far future inherently silly – we can’t really imagine the future technogy and its effect on society. But it feels like C/w barely even tried, and to hear it boast about “critical worldbuilding” is kinda strange. I assumed that meant they build the world critically, not that they recreate modern society or some aspect of it and criticize that! It’s just another Star Trek then! And it was already clear right during the setup when they said “We don’t want Star Trek aliens” and immediately created Apostolosians.

I haven't seen a single piece of fanart with Taako and Mako. Come on, does nobody want to see these two next to each other! Especially considering the outfits artists like to put Taako in!

I really don't understand how and why people do fandom activities on Twitter and Discord where the creators also have accounts. It gives me so much secondhand embarrassment. I can barely peek at Twitter posts before running away. Old-fashioned opinion apparently but I strongly believe the main fandom space and the interaction-with-original-creators space should be separate. I need a space where I can voice my opinions, especially negative ones, with complete freedom. I need to be able to say exactly what's on my mind. But I wouldn't want any of the people on the podcast to read something unfiltered like my complaints above. Being in the same space as the source content creators obliges any decent person to be diplomatic and constructive. And the creators, in turn, need a space where they don't come across complete randos yelling at them about something they said in a podcast three years ago. I'm already feeling uncomfortable because hearing to strangers pour their hearts out for hundreds of hours gives me way too much insight on who they are as people. Of course, nothing’s stopping them from lurking on Tumblr or AO3 and even reading this very post, but a platform where they have official accounts is still a different thing! I even feel uncomfortable talking about the podcast creators using their first names so much. To my ear, referring to a total stranger by first name, especially if it's a shortened form, sounds so rude! I'm not their friend, I don't have that right! But, of course, writing something like “Mr Walker” in my liveblogs would have been even weirder, nobody does that...

Is it a common experience to not even think about fanfiction after listening to Hieron, but going straight to AO3 after C/w? I feel like since Hieron is still a work in progress, writing/reading about it is stepping on the GM&players' toes, and C/w is finished so it's like they gave us the keys to the playground, it's the fandom's turn now. This story has so much blanks and they must be filled! In one of the early episodes they joked that something cute they said would encourage people to ship Mako/Cass and I was like "Bold of you to assume they aren't already" and, indeed, I was right and it's the most popular C/w ship on AO3. Too bad I’m so indifferent to it…

It’s a shame we never had a full scene with Ariadne or even learned what they were up to during the finale.

I still don't understand how Ibex went from “evil CEO” to “leader of a proletarian revolution”, these sound like completely opposite concepts to me

I probably have talked about this too much and have pretty much given up on ever getting a clear picture due to all of these reimaginings but… Righteousness and Voice… Ibex takes Righteousness out of Mako but he still has Voice, that was pretty much openly stated, correct? So how does that work? I’m guessing Righteousness is hidden somewhere in Voice’s code. But if so:

Did Maryland know? On the one hand, she’s too competent not to. On the other, why would she ever allow or accept that?

How did Righteousness not get corrupted by Rigour too? Maybe it did, but broke off the connection with the rest of itself to contain the damage? Or maybe, on the contrary, it kept in contact and was sending intel to Ibex the whole time? But in that case he would have provided more help in the finale.

#friends at the table #blah blah blah

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theafictionados · 8 years ago

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A The 100 Character For Every Twenty One Pilots Song

Hello there!

Are you a fan of The 100? How about twenty one pilots? I have good news: you don’t need to be either to listen to twenty one pilots songs. But it helps! However, to get the most out of this article, I would advise that you be a fan of the CW show The 100 because this list contains spoilers up to Season 4 Episode 8! (And was written before Episode 9 so if anything crazy happens that contradicts everything I’ve said, NOT MY FAULT)

Now: to begin at the beginning. Let me start by introducing myself in case you are a person who is unfamiliar with my ridiculous life.

My name is Robyn Jeffrey and I’m a co-host with The Afictionados Podcast Network. (website, twitter, soundcloud) We do podcasts about your favorite tv shows including AND TOTALLY LIMITED TO AT THIS POINT, The 100, Riverdale, and LOST (my personal favorite). You can find us by searching “Afictionados” in Soundcloud or iTunes!

Something that I really love about TOP is that you can listen to their songs and there is nary a swear. I’m one of those people who get kind of taken out of things where there’s too much profanity. I also love that when they sing love songs, they hardly ever use gendered pronouns. Not all of them, but most of their love songs could be sung to any gender. And that makes writing this a little easier.

Ever since I became a fan of twenty one pilots, my sister and I have played this game where we choose a The 100 character that is best represented by each song. When I was at Unity Days in January, I shared this fact with a few friends and they wanted more!

I have tried my best to do this with every single TOP song. However, I tried very hard to not overlap or give multiple songs to one character, even though many of these songs could refer to Jasper or Murphy and so on. That’s why I’ll have a section at the bottom of the song with alternate characters that might also work. If you have a suggestion for a character that I don’t have already, let me know and I’ll add it with full credit!

Although Vessel was released first, I will begin with Blurryface, for my sister and I began with Blurryface. I’m aware that they also released a self-titled album in 2009 but I only just realized that you can buy that on iTunes and I’m not familiar with it at all so we’re only doing the last two albums OKAY? Here we go!

Blurryface

Heavydirtysoul – Octavia Blake

“Gangsters don’t cry.”

Originally, this song was Jasper’s song but with the addition of my rule of only one per customer, I felt that a different song described him better (or possibly, he was the only one to fit that song). And thus I came to the conclusion that this was an Octavia Blake song if I ever heard one; especially if you take the last season into consideration.

“There’s an infestation in my mind’s imagination.

I hope that they choke on smoke ‘cause I’m smoking them out the basement.

This is not rap. This is not hip-hip.

It’s just another attempt to make the voices stop.”

“Can you save my heavy, dirty, soul?”

Alternate: Jasper Jordan, Clarke Griffin, John Murphy, etc.

Stressed Out – All

“We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away.”

I felt that this song could refer to so many characters that I decided to make it a song for everyone. I think you could find a piece of whoever you wanted in this song.

“Wish we could turn back time to the good old days,

When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.”

Ride – Jasper Jordan

“I’m falling so I’m taking my time on my ride.”

Jasper is found in so many of these songs that it was hard to pick one for him. I found that this was a song that fit him best especially taking Season 4 into account. He knows that he won’t make it and so he’s just having fun with the time that he still has.

“Yeah, I think about the end just way too much

But it’s fun to fantasize.”

“I’ve been thinking too much. Help me.”

Fairly Local – Roan

“I’m fairly local. I’ve been around. I’ve seen the streets you’re walking down.”

This song was originally Lincoln but since I found a better fit for him, I switched it to Roan and I think I like it even better! This song is reminiscent of when new people show up, like Skaikru, and try and take over.

“Yo, you, bulletproof in black like a funeral.

The world around us is burning but we’re so cold.

It’s the few, the proud, and the emotional.”

“I’m not evil to the core.

What I shouldn’t do I will fight.

I know I’m emotional.

What I wanna save I will try.”

Alternate: Lincoln, Indra, any grounder pick one

Tear in my Heart – Finn Collins

“She’s the tear in my heart, I’m on fire.”

If this isn’t the most Finn Collins song you’ve ever heard, you’re wrong. This is one of the first songs that we assigned to a character. This is so Finn it’s incredible. Think season 2 Finn looking for Clarke. Like that Finn. It’s ridiculous. My favorite part of the song is that it literally says “I’m on fire” and isn’t that just brutal? It literally talks about her stabbing him HAHA

“Sometimes you’ve gotta bleed to know,

That you’re alive and have a soul.

But it takes someone to come around to show you how.”

“She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther than I’ve ever been.”

Lane Boy – Nathan Miller

“They say ‘stay in your lane, boy’… but we go where we want to.”

This was kind of a hard one to choose. But I’m happy with the conclusion that I came to and I think it actually fits really well. This is one of my favorite songs on Blurryface. Also I <3 Miller. That is all.

“Who would live and die for on that list?

But the problem is,

There’s another list that exists and no one really wants to think about this.”

“If you get in between someone I love and me,

You’re gonna feel the heat of my cavalry.

All these songs I’m hearing are so heartless.

Don’t trust a perfect person and don’t trust a song that’s flawless.”

The Judge – Thelonius Jaha

“You’re the judge, oh no, set me free.”

The way I’m choosing to look at this one is that Jaha is calling ALIE the judge. He wants ALIE to take him into the City of Light and away from all of the pain of his life. It also shows Jaha’s soft side when he’s always making sacrifices for others. I think.

“When the leader of the bad guys sang,

Something soft and soaked in pain,

I heard the echo from his secret hideaway.”

“I know my soul’s freezing.

Hell’s hot for good reason so please take me.”

Doubt – Wells Jaha

“Don’t forget about me.”

Okay check it out. Not only is this super literal because Jaha actually forgot Wells in Season 3, but it’s also totally relevant to the 4 episodes he was in regarding Clarke and such.

“Even when I doubt you,

I’m no good without you.”

“Fear might be the death of me,

Fear leads to anxiety.

Don’t know what’s inside of me.”

Alternate: Monty Green

Polarize – Bellamy Blake

“My friends and I, we’ve got a lot of problems.”

This was the one of the first songs that we assigned a character to and yeah maybe it started only with “better brother, better son” but if you look at the whole song it actually works quite well.

“It’s deciding where to die and deciding where to fight.

Deny, deny, denial.”

“I wanted to be a better brother, better son.

Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done.

I have none to show to the one I love.”

We Don’t Believe What’s On TV – Lexa

“We have all learned to kill our dreams.”

This was a really hard one to choose. I felt that many of the people that I could possibly give it to, already had a song. And although it could fit Lexa and Clarke’s relationship better, I’m pleased with my choice.

“I used to say, ‘I wanna die before I’m old’,

But because of you I might think twice.”

“I need to know that when I fail, you’ll still be here.”

Alternate: Finn Collins, John Murphy, Marcus Kane, who’s in love?

Message Man – Clarke Griffin

“You don’t know what I’ve done. I’m wanted and on the run.”

This song was a Murphy song for such a long time until I realized, after the premiere of Season 3, that this works even better for Clarke than it does for Murphy. Clarke’s a major badass.

“A loser hides behind a mask of my disguise.

And who I am today is worse than other times.”

“You don’t know my brain the way you know my name.

And you don’t know my heart the way you know my face.”

Alternate: John Murphy

Hometown – Maya Vie

“Take me home and show me the sun.”

Listen up. I had the hardest time figuring this one out but then my mother suggested Maya / Mount Weather in general and it’s absolutely perfect. I couldn’t think of anything else ever again. Now this song will haunt your dreams as a Mount Weather song.

“Where we’re from, there’s no sun.

Our hometown’s in the dark.”

“We don’t know, we don’t know,

How to put back the power in our soul.

We don’t know, we don’t know,

Where to find what once was in our bones.”

Alternate: Bryan, Charles Pike, peeps from farm station, Ilian

Not Today – Charles Pike

“Heard your voice. There’s no choice.”

This was another difficult one. I want to dedicate this choice to my girls Sarah and Claire (aka the #1 Pike apologists).

“You are out of my mind, you aren’t seeing my side.

You spend all this time trying to get to me.”

“Don’t you test me though, just because I play the piano,

Doesn’t mean I am not willing to take you down. I’m sorry.”

Goner – Lincoln

“I’m a goner. Somebody catch my breath.”

This one hurts. But it’s just so perfect. And don’t just look at the lyrics to this one. It’s the real musical genius of the finale of Blurryface that encapsulates Lincoln so perfectly. The soft, quiet beginning, into the loud, angry ending. It all works.

“Though I’m weak and beaten down,

I’ll slip away into the sound.

The ghost of you is close to me.

I’m inside out. You’re underneath.”

Vessel

Ode to Sleep – Ilian

“I’m not free, I asked forgiveness three times.”

Some songs and this album were much harder to figure out than others. I knew that I wanted an Ilian song and this one fit the best out of what was left. It works with the fact that he blew up Arkadia and that he feels terrible about what he did in the City of Light.

“Please tell them you have no plans for me.

I will set my soul on fire, what have I become?”

“I swear I heard demons yelling,

Those crazy words they were spelling.

They told me I was gone.”

Holding Onto You – Marcus Kane

“You should take my life, you should take my soul.”

This song was the Lincoln and Octavia song for a really long time. The second verse is one of my favorite verses of all of TOP’s discography. I think it’s just beautiful. But it works very well with Kane and Abby as well.

“Fight it.

Take the pain, ignite it.

Tie a noose around your mind,

Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it,

To a tree, tell it ‘you belong to me.

This ain’t a noose, this is a leash.

And I have news for you.

You must obey me.’”

Alternate: Lincoln

Migraine – Raven Reyes

“Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?”

How perfect is it that Raven had migraines this season and they have a song called Migraine? It’s perfect. I’m really pleased with this pairing. I think that Migraine is one of their best songs. It’s sometimes hard to catch all of the beautiful lyrics so I recommend looking them up because they work so well.

“…It is a door that holds back contents,

That make Pandora’s box contents look non-violent.

Behind my eyelids are islands of violence.

My mind’s ship-wrecked.

This is the only land my mind could find.”

“And I will say that we should take a day to break away

From all the pain our brain has made.

The game is not played alone.”

House of Gold – Monty Green

“We’ll make pretend that you and me lived ever after happily.”

Sure. Maybe this song was given to Monty because he’s the only one that really got to talk with his Mom other than Clarke. But if you think about it, you could maybe think of it as CoL Hannah talking to Monty and trying to persuade him into joining her. And his father is even mentioned in the song. It works!

“She asked me, ‘Son, when I grow old,

Will you buy me a house of gold?

And when your father turns to stone,

Will you take care of me?’”

“And since we know that dreams are dead,

And life turns plans up on their head.

I will plan to be a bum.

So I just might become someone.”

Car Radio – Luna

“Peace will win and fear will lose.”

This song is incredible. It has some of the cleverest lyrics I have ever heard. I really think it could fit with just about any character that is truly haunted by something that they’ve done. It really fits with Luna because of what happened on her little island and how she promotes peace over violence.

“Sometimes quiet is violent.

My pride is no longer inside.

It’s on my sleeve. My skin will scream.

Reminding me of who I killed.”

“I find over the course of our human existence,

One thing consists of consistence

And it’s that we’re all battling fear.

Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here.”

Alternate: Raven Reyes, Monty Green, Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake

Semi-Automatic – John Murphy

“I’m semi-automatic. My prayer’s schizophrenic. But I’ll live on.”

This song has been the Murphy song for years. The real Murphy song. It speaks for itself.

“I’m never what I like,

I’m double-sided, and I just can’t hide,

I kinda like it when I make you cry,

‘Cause I’m twisted up, I’m twisted up inside.”

“The horrors of the night melt away,

Under the warm glow of survival of the day,

Then we move on.”

Screen – Emori

“We’re broken people.”

We found that this song worked really well with Emori. Sometimes she’s talking about herself, then herself and Murphy, and maybe even sometimes herself and Otan. It’s however you like to interpret it that makes it so fun.

“I do not know why I would go

In front of you and hide my soul

‘Cause you’re the only one who knows it.”

“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I

Who have a really tough time getting through this life

So excuse up while we sing to the sky.”

The Run & Go – Abby Griffin

“Cerebral thunder in one way conversations.”

I remember the day that I realized that this could be an Abby song. I remembered the person that she shot at the end of Season 3 and then listening to the chorus, I found that it fit all of this radio stuff that Abby and Kane are dealing with lately.

“I have killed a man and all I know

Is I am on the Run and Go.”

“Don’t wanna call you in the night time.

Don’t wanna give you all my pieces.

Don’t wanna hand you all my trouble.

Don’t wanna give you all my demons.

You’ll have to watch me struggle

From several rooms away.

But tonight, I’ll need you to stay.”

Fake You Out – Harper McIntyre

“Silence gives you space.”

I made this a Harper song as soon as I saw God Complex and the “If you come back” debacle. Put DNR into this context and it works nicely. She’s feeling farther away from Monty than usual.

“I’ll never be, be what you see inside.

You say I’m not alone, but I am petrified.

You say that you are close, is close the closest star?

You just feel twice as far.”

“They feel they have no control over their prisoner’s cell.

And if you’re one of them then you’re one of me.

And you would do almost anything just to feel free.”

Guns for Hands – Eric Jackson

“You all have guns, but you never put the safety on.”

I had this song for Indra originally. But after hearing Sachin’s interview with Meta Station, I definitely felt that Jackson would be the one most hoping that everyone would stop shooting each other. He just wants everyone to be healthy. Is that too much to ask???

“I’m trying, I’m trying to sleep.

But I can’t, but I can’t when you all have

Guns for hands.”

“But there’s hope out the window.

So that’s where we’ll go.

Let’s go outside and all join hands

But until then, you’ll never understand.”

Trees – Indra & Gaia

“I know where you stand, silent in the trees.”

This song doesn’t have a whole lot of words. It’s a slow long with the same lyrics over and over again. And we had a really hard time deciphering who this would go to but in the end we assigned it to 2 characters. The relationship between Indra and Gaia. Indra wanting her to be a warrior and Gaia choosing to stay peaceful.

“I want to know you.

I want to see.

I want to say hello.”

“Why won’t you speak

Where I happen to be?

Silent in the trees.

Standing cowardly.”

Truce – ALIE

“You will die but now your life is free.”

This is another one of those songs that doesn’t have a whole lot of lyrics. But I took it to mean ALIE’s downfall. She’s about to go to sleep after Clarke pulled the lever and is now just reflecting?

“Now the night is coming to an end,

The sun will rise and we will try again.”

“I will fear the night again,

I hope I’m not my only friend.”

BONUS

Heathens – Echo

“All my friends are heathens, take it slow.”

I was thinking that I’d really love to have Heathens on this list and I looked at the other list of characters that I hadn’t used and thought that Echo would be a good one. Then I listened to the song again with an Echo lens and realised that it was perfect. Think Mount Weather Grounder Gang.

“Welcome to the room of people who have rooms of people

That they love one day, locked away.

Just because we check the guns at the door,

Doesn’t mean our brains will change from hand grenades.”

“You’ll never know the psychopath sitting next to you.

You’ll never know the murderer sitting next to you.

You’ll think ‘how’d I get here, sitting next to you?’”

THANKS FOR READING!

Tell me your thoughts on Twitter! @RobynEJeffrey

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aplaceforthesoul · 5 years ago

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Anonymous submitted:

19/f i’ve been very sad and upset with myself lately. i’m currently in the first year of uni and even though i’ve made many friends since the start of the school year, i feel terrible for not belonging to any group, like i don’t have stable friends who i can hit up and hang out with or study with during free time. all my life until sophomore year of high school, i always belonged somewhere. it was only when i moved schools during junior year when i had trouble really belonging somewhere but it was a little better during my last two years of high school since other groups would invite me and another close friend to hang out during free time and were actually really nice to us but those groups didn’t really consider us as part of them, just close friends. many of the people from my last two years of high school are in the same uni i am in right now and many of them are taking up the same course as i am but they have all found new groups or they now have a stronger friendship i guess that i don’t feel comfortable hanging out with them alone anymore because i feel like if i would always tag along, they wouldn’t be able to talk about certain things. the only stable friend i have is my best friend of 12 years who has her own friend group (her classmates senior year of high school, i’m from another class) but i feel a little comfortable hanging out with now but only if she is with me. i still feel awkward hanging around them because i am always around when they make plans together and i know they also feel awkward making plans when i am with them because they want to hang out as senior year classmates and reunite and catch up. it’s totally fine with me and i totally understand if they make plans without me, i mean i’m not from their class anyway. i feel awkward knowing that they feel awkward talking about it. oh god im not making sense anymore but yeah. i also feel so annoying always following my best friend around like a puppy and i also feel awkward because i am always a third wheel between her and her boyfriend because we usually make plans to study together but then her bf would call in the middle of us studying and he wants to study with her. im actually pretty comfortable around her bf since he’s also my friend, i just feel like i’m always in the way between them spending quality time together and whatnot which is why i go home early sometimes to let them have study dates just the two of them. i don’t want her bf to feel bad for her rejecting his invitations most of the time to have study dates together bc we always have plans already.

another thing that’s been bothering me lately are my parents never listening to my reasoning when we argue and my discovery of my brother’s twitter account. first, my parents. it’s annoying how they never listen to me when i reason out. when i do, they would always tell me “of course you’re never wrong!” sarcastically or they’ll say that i’m being disrespectful. i admit, sometimes i am wrong for being too harsh but even when i am right, they would still insist they are right because they assume they are always right. one example was what happened two nights ago. my mom asked me to teach my brother how to solve some 7th grade algebra problems. i don’t remember how to do them anymore because I haven’t had that lesson in years and i didn’t have math subjects for 2 years now since my major doesn’t really have math subjects in its curriculum. i told her calmly i already forgot about it and i really had to prepare for a report that night that i was to present the day after but she insisted that i still knew how to, i just didn’t want to help. i told her again and again that i would help if i knew but i really didn’t and i was busy but she insisted that i was just making it up when i really really really didn’t. my dad heard us arguing and told me to shut up, basically siding with my mom. he also thought i was just lying. i continued to tell him i wasn’t then he told me i was disrespectful and threatened that if i say one more word, he would throw me out of the house. i was hurt because he said that over something very petty. he never did that to my brothers, only to me. he always did that to me even as a kid when he told be i bring bad luck to the family and that i was useless countless times. he never apologized for those words and my mom never stopped him or told him to say sorry to me or what. then my brother’s twitter account. he wouldn’t give me his username whenever i asked for it but then i stumbled upon his account yesterday and decided to read his tweets for fun. i was laughing until i saw him tweet to his friends basically describing me as a traitor and overall a bad sister. i also didn’t know how to react knowing he continues to cut classes to drink with his friends and god forbid, even smoke and do drugs without my parent’s knowledge despite them finding out once and talking to him about it. he also cursed my dad over there and told a friend he has no family. i’m very worried as he’s underage and still in junior year of high school and i also hate seeing him go through such struggles alone. i was also disappointed in myself as his older sister for not letting him feel i am there for him even though i try my hardest to comfort him whenever he gets scolded at by my parents. i felt sad knowing that he sees me as a ‘traitor’ and a bad sister. i also realized how my family’s relationship is actually not as ideal as i believed it was bc nobody knows anybody. we may not be like other families who have big fights and all but we are actually pretty empty since neither of us have close relationships with each other. i love them so much and i don’t want my parents to feel they are bad parents despite everything, no matter how much they hurt me which is why i’m very sad about this.

all those together along with me recently feeling like i am just mediocre in the things i’m passionate about and basically me just not being good enough to join extra curricular activities and having a personality as bland as a loaf of wheat bread, being a friendless loser, realizing i am not as smart as i thought i was or everyone thinks i am. i just have good memory which is why i excel academically but other than that, i am pretty dumb. my thoughts, vocabulary, and everything are very shallow and i am not good in either written or verbal outputs. i just feel so stuck and alone. i feel worse than ever. i was a pretty positive and motivated person a few years ago, i don’t know what happened. i always believed i would be successful after school and maybe a part of me still does now but i am now starting to doubt myself. i just really need to get this out of my system after keeping this to myself for soooooo long bc i don’t want to burden my high school best friends who have their own problems and i never had a super close relationship with my family either. i’m just tired of crying every night because of this and pretending i’m okay everyday. i’m very sorry for this long ass submission and thank you if you hve read this and reached this point of this submission. 💕

hi lovely <3 I’m glad you felt comfy enough to write all of this down and get it off your chest. writing out thoughts and feelings can be pretty therapeutic for you.

about the friends situation? you’re not a friendless loser! I really do mean that :* it can take a long while to find a group of friends that you vibe with, it might be especially hard to manage at the moment when you’re used to having a fairly steady and stable group in high school? but the current situation you’re in doesn’t make you weird or a loser, promise. if you haven’t really found a core group of friends through university + study, open up the possibilities a bit :) use websites like meetup.com to meet new people with similar passions and interests, or like hey!vina / cliq (more links here), maybe visit your local community centre and see what’s going - you could maybe sign up for a class or activity that interests you, and meet new people and friend opportunities that way too. if it’s me? I use facebook groups! I moved all the way to London without knowing anyone, a lot of people do the same so there’s a facebook group set up for support and bringing a community vibe to things. so I use some of those facebook groups to make posts reaching out for friends, say a bit about myself and what I’m interested in, and with those who respond we can organise brunch or something (Y) maybe you could try the same, join facebook groups where you share things in common with other members (whether it be a similar age age, gender, sexuality, location in the world) and make a post reaching out for friends, could be worth trying.

with your parents, is there any room for a conversation on this? I know how difficult it can be to talk to parents and to get them to have an open-minded conversation, but it could be worth a shot. find a time when they’re not too busy (or maybe talk to just your mum if you feel the convo would go better) and say “hey can I talk to you about something” and go from there. talk about the fact that you don’t really feel respected in the house at the moment, that you don’t feel like your parents trust you?? if you say you can’t do something (eg. algebra) then you really can’t, it’s not a ploy to avoid being kind or helpful. ask them why they never listen to you or trust you, maybe talk about the lack of trust and ask what could be done to improve that.

you’re only 19! and I mean that in the best way possible, you’ve so much time ahead of you to achieve what you want to. at the age of 19 I was failing university and struggling with a breakup and was not financially independent at all, I had a terrible relationship with my sister (and sometimes my mum), things were not good. and now? things are so great, I would never have imagined myself to be where I am now (▰˘◡˘▰) life can change, relationships can improve, you’ve got time. things might feel a little stagnant right now? but it won’t be that way forever, promise <3

- tash

#advice #submission #life #19f #friends #lonely

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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Learning, as an adult woman, you have autism

(CNN)Laura James, 47, is a successful journalist and author. She’s a wife to Tim and mother to four adult children. She likes fashion, cats and writing. She’s eloquent and quick-witted.

She also has autism.

She was surprised when the idea was first suggested to her back in 2015 by a friendly nurse during a hospital stay in London.

Laura was undergoing tests for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a rare connective tissue disorder, and returned to her hospital room exhausted, hoping to find the air conditioning on, a tuna sandwich on the table and some peace and quiet.

Instead, the room was stifling, the food was absent and a child was screaming nearby.

“I just had an overwhelming meltdown … a proper explosive meltdown,” she said. The nurse who was with Laura took her to a quieter, cooler room, Laura recalled. “She said, ‘don’t worry, we see a lot of autistic people here.’

“I just assumed she was muddling me up with another patient,” Laura explained, half-smiling at the recollection.

But then she started reading about autism online. “I got to some traits of girls with autism and it was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s so me.’

“I had never thought about autism, ever ever ever,” she said emphatically. “I thought that autism was ‘Rain Man,’ I thought it was boys… All of the stereotypes I absolutely believed because there’s nothing else out there to dissuade someone.”

Misdiagnosed from an early age

Autistic spectrum disorders (ASD) are about 4.5 times more common in boys than in girls, according to one study. Other studies of autism around the world consistently show much higher rates of diagnosis for males than females.

But not everyone is convinced that these numbers reflect reality. There are now countless studies that cast doubt on the gender ratios associated with ASD. There is also compelling evidence of generations of lost girls and women, struggling to cope with being different to those around them, who were (or are) undiagnosed, misdiagnosed or diagnosed far later in life than their male counterparts.

A 2012 study by the UK’s National Autistic Society (NAS) found that only 8% of girls with Asperger syndrome (now known as high-functioning autism) were diagnosed before they were age 6, compared to 25% of boys, with earlier studies conducted in the US in 2009 and 2010 finding similar trends.

It’s something that Carol Povey, director of the Centre for Autism at the NAS, is deeply concerned about. “In the old days we always thought that autism was very much a male condition,” she said. “What we are now starting to realize is that it’s not quite as simple as that, and that there are — and always have been — girls and women who are on the autism spectrum, but they present differently.

“Those girls and women often struggle for many years, and there is a higher likelihood of a misdiagnosis,” she said.

Laura was misdiagnosed several times. Her childhood doctor was convinced that she had an eating disorder. She was misdiagnosed with hyperventilation syndrome in her early twenties. And several doctors suggested she may have generalized anxiety disorder.

Laura’s eating problems and anxiety were signs of her autism but were misinterpreted for more than four decades. Hyper-focus, a common trait in people with autism that allows them to focus intensely on one thing for a long period of time, meant she often forgot — and still often forgets — to eat. Her sensory issues and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome also made it unbearable to eat particular foods.

Most of the anxiety Laura experiences is linked with her autism and it began early in life. “I distinctly remember as a child feeling different and behaving differently to other girls. I simply remember thinking that everybody else seemed to kind of get it. Everyone else seemed to know what to do and how to do it, like there was an instruction manual that I’d lost and they all had.”

Why girls aren’t diagnosed

Sensory issues were, and still are, a big problem. “If there was a label that rubbed in my clothes or sock seams, or (if I was made to eat) food I didn’t want to eat, then I would really melt down. And my meltdowns were so extreme that I would hold my breath until I passed out.”

Her family doctor was dismissive. “She’s just being naughty,” he told her parents, “Just give her a slap.”

Problems with social communication and sensory issues are typical signs of autism, so why was the possibility never raised?

“The words ‘masking’ and ‘camouflaging’ are often used to describe (autistic) girls and women,” Povey explained. These girls will often notice who in their class “looks like they are doing the best in the classroom, which girl looks like they are succeeding the most. Then often those autistic girls copy what they see.”

Laura remembers doing just that. She’s also convinced that social conditioning is a big factor in the differences between boys and girls with autism. “Boys are allowed to be louder and more confrontational, more challenging, whereas girls are taught to be nice, quiet and polite.” Girls are more likely to internalize their difficulties, she thinks, which then go unnoticed.

Povey agreed. “Those same difficulties that the boys were experiencing … the girls may internalize far more.”

Crucially, this means unknown numbers of girls and women struggling with autism may be diagnosed late or not at all. “What we’re often seeing is clinicians who don’t recognize the presentation in girls,” Povey said. Clinicians need the “skills to be able to phrase the questions right … You have to be able to get underneath the masking to be able to understand if the girl really does get what goes on around her.”

The stereotype of autism as a male condition lingers. “I still hear of parents who are told by their doctor that girls don’t have autism,” said Povey.

Studies that look at the role of neurology or testosterone, or the possibility of female resistance to mutations, in the development of autism are still being published and give credence to the idea that the condition is more prevalent in males.

But researchers are often aware that this ratio may simply be wrong. Christine Ecker, professor of neuroscience at the Goethe University in Frankfurt and lead author of a study that showed how people with “male characteristic brains” are more likely to develop autism, avoids calling autism a “male condition.”

“I think as soon as we change (diagnostic) tools, maybe adapt them to … the girls’ symptoms, that we will find more (autistic girls),” Ecker said.

A new normal

For Laura, diagnosis was a mixed blessing. “The moment of walking out was brilliant — I’ve got an answer — but then it gets harder before it gets easier,” she said.

Reflecting on how she now sees herself, she said, “I think of myself as autistic, I don’t like ‘with autism.’ The reason I don’t like it is because it’s not something that’s ever going to go away … Being autistic shapes pretty much everything in my life, in the way that, for me, being female does as well, or being a mother does.”

After being diagnosed, she looked online for high-profile autistic women who she could relate to. She only found Temple Grandin, “who is awesome, amazing, but couldn’t be more different from me.”

And although many people were supportive, reactions to the diagnosis from friends and acquaintances were often conditioned by the same stereotypes that Laura herself believed until recently. “People look at very outward things. I care about clothes and fashion … and I think people think that autistic women shouldn’t be like that.”

So she started writing — at first articles and now a book — about her experiences as an autistic woman. “Odd Girl Out” is being published this month.

But she’s keen to emphasize that “my experience is one experience … all autistic people are different.”

Autism affects everything in Laura’s life — from what she wears, when and what she eats and how she travels, to her social life and emotions. But there are positives too. She’s very logical and can spot future trends and patterns. “It makes me good at my job,” she said, “and I think it makes me good at motherhood. If there’s a problem … I don’t react emotionally, I react more logically,” she explained.

“I don’t think inherently it’s either good or bad. It’s like having brown eyes,” she said. “It’s not a tragedy, it’s not a disaster. We are different, we are not less.”

Diagnosis changed her life. “Everything made sense,” she said. “You know that bit at the end of the Bruce Willis movie ‘The Sixth Sense,’ when he realizes he’s dead and he goes and plays all those scenes in his mind and it becomes obvious? I think getting a late diagnosis is like that. Suddenly, you think, that’s why I did that, or that’s why that happened … I felt different and I didn’t know why. Now I know why and it’s very reassuring.”

See the latest news and share your comments with CNN Health on Facebook and Twitter.

She reflects on how her life would have been different if she had never met that nurse or if her tuna sandwich had arrived on time.

“I wouldn’t have had a terrible life — I’d have had a very nice life — but it wouldn’t have been as rich and fulfilling, and I would have died not understanding myself.”