#also i don't think they can afford to replace me at this point. i've become point lead on a major tech project accidentally.

[unpretty]

on the one hand oversharing will probably come back to bite me in the ass eventually. on the other hand it's very validating to see that kind of response to what i consider the least bad things about scabsy. perhaps occasionally bitching to the groupchat or in locked fedi posts is not giving them an unwarranted amount of my attention, actually.

[forthefictionallesbians]

I don't think we've really grappled with affini biorhythms, and their impact on society. We've all heard stories about them from overeager florets, or the urban legends about what happens if an affini decides to stay near you for too long. It's honestly kind of terrifying, knowing that our wills can be so easily subverted on the whim of our benevolent overlords.

But at the same time, I can't think of the last time I saw the parks on Tyriador-IV this crowded. Or the bars and restaurants, the bookstores and museums. Yes, some of that is undoubtedly that the old pollution has been scrubbed, transit has been made cheap and affordable, outdoor spaces have become vastly more pleasant, and we no longer need to work long hours just to survive. The affini claim that it is simply due to that, the fruits of their social reforms and alteration of our material circumstances. That is the easy narrative, one I haven't even heard the most rabid feralists question, though they see it as far more sinister than I believe it to be.

I think otherwise. If you're reading this post, I'd ask that you look, really look, at the spaces where people tend to congregate. The spaces and venues that fill up day after day. I'm willing to bet that, regardless of the planet or vessel you're on, you'll see the same thing I've noticed--people go where the affini are. Even with all the complaints I've seen independents make about their incessant flirting, or how unsettling it can be to be surrounded by florets, the majority of the humans here spend significant amounts of time hanging around areas also filled with affini. Even I've found myself doing it.

Nobody I've asked has even been conscious of this bias in their own behavior. Most seem to think I'm some feralist grasping at straws, or just plain crazy. But I'm not. I am as grateful as anybody that they got rid of the old fascist Accord and replaced it with this utopia. I just need people to take me seriously when I say that I think we're all unconsciously dosing ourselves on their biorhythm. Not to the point where we're getting tied to any one individual affini. But collectively? Our entire species is drifting towards subservience in ways we didn't even realize. I tried to avoid all affini this last week, staying in my hab to avoid any biorhythm exposure, and I almost had a panic attack. It was only after my Hab AI called for a crisis vet that I realized I used to have panic attacks all the time, and they'd stopped after the affini took over. Just being around them is subtly soothing, and we're slowly waltzing our collective way towards dependency.

I wonder how much easier to domesticate we've gotten after years of daily exposure. Not everyone is as on-the-brink as I am, and obviously there are still plenty of stubborn holdouts. But please, search your feelings. See if you enjoy being out and about, and then test whether you enjoy it as much if you're still outside but away from any affini. Everyone needs to be aware of this, even if I myself can't resist how much I enjoy their presence.

It's hard to even fall asleep without a biorhythm subtly pulsing through me these days. I'm very grateful that Phiola has been letting me sleep firmly nestled in her vines. But please, don't discount my words because I'm a ward, and will likely be a floret soon. This feels like important information to share, if just so all the rest of you wannabe independents can know just how deeply ensnared you already are.

-Eric Statler, he/they

[crsssie]

from one admirer to another : halloween?

pairing: leon kennedy x reader || masterpost: from one admirer to another

synopsis: from one admirer to another, an online penpal service, allows for two people with common interests to write to each other without ever revealing their actual address! Luckily for both you and Leon, you get matched up! What do eggs and Christmas even have in common anyway? sure hope it's that modeling business and NOT that Ada Wong addiction.

featuring: reader as model number two // leon as Leon

Dearest Leon,

Your last letter made me hurl (not in a bad way I just got so embarrassed that smoke started coming out of my head anime style or whatever) I... hate that you can tell I'm a romanticist or whatever the word is because I am and I hate that you're so genuine in your letters that it hurts me to read it because what in gods name did I do in my past life for my ass to end up receiving love letters like this? OKRA'S WRITING IS RUBBING OFF ON YOU ISN'T IT. (I'm coping)

Sorry if I come off as harsher than I mean to. I'm not good with dealing with affection. I'm only good at giving affection. I need a moment to just. Give me a second to collect myself.

Okay. I think I'm okay now.

I... don't quite think the word like is the right word to describe my feelings for you. It's a little murky, and while I think I wouldn't mind dating you at all, I also think it would be unfair to you to return your feelings so half-heartedly. So, for the time being... it's honestly up to you whether or not you want to continue pursing me.

I've stuck by Ada most my life since she was always the safe option to me, and I was right when she ended up standing on stage. From the beginning to the end, I think I had become her shadow at some point. She's moving away now, so I don't see much of a point in being a model anymore. Raccoon is still relatively affordable to live in, so I could always turn that writing of mine into a full-time job. Also, I could become a full-fledged model as well. I don't enjoy it quite much, though. I hate the idea of working something that I'm not passionate about.

Oh, look! I'm being vulnerable. Nothing much is happening around me other than Luis' halloween party I'm attending today. See you there?

From the messenger, model number two

p.s. and of course. Sunshine was the cutest thing. I'm always open to visit again

Ada helps you dress up for the masquerade ball, telling you to breathe in as she pulls on the corset, your back straightening nearly immediately. You stare at the wax-sealed envelope that suits the theme, and a near identical one you made to match, and you wonder if you'll recognize Leon in the crowd of people that Luis knows. Suspicious background, a new slate in his hand, and the people of his past mingle into bits and pieces of his life — but only ever as ghosts in his masquerade ball.

The white is a visible contrast to the gold that you have been instructed to wear. Your jewelry is replaced with gold that looks as though it's seeped from the sun itself, and you are cloaked with black, the role of messenger placed in your hand this year, letters upon letters told to be given to people with certain masks.

You weave through the crowd with grace, cloak fluttering behind you as you pass letters to people with a gentle bow, lips curled upwards as you disappear back into the crowd when your time ends. You fell like a ghost. While the people in white look sickly and pale, you resemble the messenger of death, a void of nothing visible on your face. Only when you reach the final man, do you recognize the eyes.

"The messenger retires." You nod at Luis, and he takes the letter from you.

"Pray tell, princesa. The final letter?"

"To a secret." You hold the letter to your lips, closed-eye smile offered to him as you slip past him to the private chambers. It's a dramatization, obviously. You slip into the supply closet, ditching the cloak and hanging it up where Luis instructed you to, and you blend back into the crowd.

You lose Ada, but before someone else can get to you, you're grabbed by the waist, out of the way of a waiter.

"Darling." Leon smiles down at you, removing his hands from you once you're out of the way.

"Just the person." You hand him the letter, bowing as you get ready to leave.

"Please don't." He whispers, fingers clasping around your wrist as he does, and you breathe. You stare up at his hair, and then at his matching corset, and you seem to understand why Luis had been so adamant on having you wear a corset this year around despite your role as messenger in the first half. It had been custom-made, so you wonder if Leon had gone out of the way to receive your measurements from one of the workers.

"How did you know?" You mumble, taking a step closer to him anyway.

"I'll tell you on the balcony." He whispers, tugging you along through the crowd.

You wonder if you deserve such brazen affection from someone you do not even wholeheartedly love back.

Yet, the glimmer in his eyes under the gold of the chandeliers while looking at you assures you that it is fine.

prev letter : masterlist : next letter

[that-darn-clown]

so. thought about something.

i know i've already got a Rewrite for Fnaf (that i adore), but...i thought of another way Fnaf could be rewritten that, in my opinion, would make it scarier and/or more dread inducing.

well...technically it's two things put together:

what if, instead of playing as a nightguard, you played as a child caught in the building after closing?

what if instead of the pizzerias all looking like they're still pretty decent (specifically looking at Fnaf 1 with this comment, considering that we know Somewhat Canonically it probably wasn't doing too great financially...like it's the smallest pizzeria and yet it still looks like a pretty popular place to take your kids. even though it doesn't seem like it would've been at that point), Fnaf 2 has the only pizzeria that still seems to be in its prime? the rest just look like liminal space looking places. think the way that the building looks in Fnaf 1 is similar to how it looks in that one fangame: the Graveyard Shift. like those vibes are what i'm going for.

like. let me set the scene for Fnaf 1, because i have the clearest image of the vibes for that game:

you are a child, likely no older than nine. for whatever unknown reason, you are left behind in an empty animatronic pizzeria place. it's clear that the animatronics are the most expensive thing here. the tables clearly reused from somewhere else, with their wear and tear being covered by confetti-patterned tablecloths. the chairs plastic, but colorful, with the fact that any adults can fit in them being a miracle. balloons decorate the place, but it's clear that they'll have to be replaced soon, given that some are sinking to the floor. confetti and streamers, as well as cups, puddles of soda and other various drinks, and even dropped pizza and cupcakes, litter the ground. the pizza is relatively decent. but it's the only place for kids to have fun that is affordable to your family.

there is an arcade, and it's the only place that feels relatively safe to you right now as you continue waiting, hoping that someone will come pick you up. the problem is that to get there, you'll have to pass by the Owner's Office....and you don't want to get in trouble for being here after closing; it's one of the rules, after all. but the place is still decently lit, and you've heard that people work here afterhours...you just need to wait for the nightguard, and then you can get out of here and head back home. you know the way, after all.

but as you explore around at night, you notice the animatronics moving. they don't hurt you...but once you get close enough to one of them, it makes an odd noise, almost seeming concerned that you're still here. then you hear something chilling, and something that seems to agitate the animatronic in front of you.

footsteps. shoes clicking against the tiled floor.

the animatronic stands defensively before you, and it gives you a clear indication that you need to hide. NOW.

and then you realize that this is what you've gotta do each night as you're here. hide. make sure you stay as undetectable as possible. the second you make a loud enough noise, you're in trouble, and will be the rest of the night. you hear someone approaching, and you've gotta constantly keep moving. as the nights go on, the "trigger sounds" become lesser and lesser. on the first two nights, the "trigger sound" has to be big, noticeable. slamming doors shut and knocking things over will get you noticed on night two. by night three, the sound of using doors, not even slamming them, will get you noticed. by night four, running will get you noticed. by night five, you better have learned how to sneak, and sneak well. regardless of the night, getting noticed by an animatronic is also counted as a "trigger sound," and the fact that the animatronics get more active, and thus are now easier to run into, does not help.

once a "trigger sound" has been made, you need to keep moving, and hide once you've gotten a good distance away from Him. hiding under tables, in dark rooms, in the bathrooms, even in the kitchen. but be warned, the more often you hide in a particular place, the more likely it is that He will check there first when you start hiding. don't screw yourself over.

darkness becomes more of a comfort to you than the light, though you do have the option of having a flashlight and turning on the lights in dark rooms. because even though it is easier to see things like hiding places and secrets in the dark, the presence of light makes it easier for you to be seen as well. so do you risk it? turning on a flashlight to see what lies in the shadowy corners of the building? turning on the lights in a dark room? knowing that you are also shining a beacon for your location?

the game includes a fear mechanic. the more fearful you are, the more your character shakes and trembles. it can cause you to trip, to drop whatever you're currently holding (which, depending on what you were holding, could make a loud noise), and to, seemingly, "hallucinate" things in the shadows. it is the only reason for light to be of use to you, to comfort your character.

you never see Him, the man pursuing you. you know it's the Owner, the only other person who would be in here before the Nightguard would be. but He is always in the shadows. whenever he is chasing the player, it's almost like they refuse to turn back to see him. if caught, all the player sees is the blur of where they have been grabbed and pulled back, and then a shrill, terrified scream. the "Game Over" screen just shows a missing poster, presumably of the protagonist. whether the child got killed or simply kidnapped is not clear. (but, considering it's Fnaf...i think the player could guess)

but, along with all of this, you discover secrets, mostly hidden in the shadows and rooms with cracks in the doors. missing posters with pictures of children, dated in the 80s. drawn pictures of crying children. newspaper clippings of events in the past of horrific circumstances surround Freddy's. the words "IT'S ME" scrawled on the walls as the desperate cries of the lost souls roaming the halls of Freddy's. in the shadows, animatronics appear to have blood covering their faces in the shadows, only for the blood to mysteriously disappear when light is shined on them.

the player has to survive all of this from 9:00 PM to midnight, waiting for the Nightguard to get there.

but those hours are gonna feel long to a young child. especially when they're scared for their life.

(tl;dr- Avoid Getting Caught By William Afton For Three Hours SImulator)

(like...think about it; part of the horror of Fnaf is the knowledge that there have been children murdered and shoved into suits, now haunting the halls of the pizzeria, looking for vengeance and freedom. wouldn't it technically be more terrifying to play as a young child, an outsider looking in, just trying to avoid Afton?? and if Freddy's looked more like an actual Chuck E. Cheese rip-off place? down to having cheap decorations and furniture?? Do You See My Vision???)

Holy shit why can I fucking hear this game in my head this is wild as shit

No kidding: this reminds me of this old place we used to go when I was little that I can barely find any mentions of online. It had two attractions: knock-offs of chuck e cheese skytubes and a rock climbing wall. I was too young for rock climbing, so I did the sky skytubes thing. I ADORED that place. It got shut down pretty quickly because, in retrospect, it was very unsafe.

But I was a very anxious child, and everywhere I would go, I would come up with a plan for if I got left behind after the place closed. So this concept feels like home to me <3

Note: upon further research of the place there is one in ohio?? Which I am not from???? And no mentions of a place where I'm from/near. Huh.

[1358456]

Pokemon Emerald Random Team Run Part 2

Okay. Time to continue.

Hey, I have a delivery for a Mr... Stern? Yeah, I'm going to need you to sign a confirmation of delivery. I don't have an invoice or a bill of lading, but... wait. I'm not being paid for this. Just take the damn thing.

Hmm. 3 to the right and 2 up, eh? All right...

The instructions LIED! Hmph. Fine. I'm going to ignore this place.

... How very rude. Not all of us can afford fancy shmancy transportation, you know. ... Also, was it in this game or in ORAS where you can get both bikes?

Huh. I don't remember this place at all. There were also the knock-off Battle Factory tents in places that used to have Pokemon Contests. The Hyper Rank in Slateport got replaced, for example. I don't think I've ever used those places.

... Fun Fact. Back in Generation IV, I got the final symbol for every facility in the Battle Frontier, EXCEPT for Battle Factory. Using rental Pokemon is a disaster. Who the f*ck makes a TIMID GARCHOMP?!

Anyways...

This took 5 tries. It turns out, when 4/6 things are very weak to Electric, and most of my heavy damage comes from either Psychic or Thrash, a Magneton becomes the final boss.

Oh. This is something I always wondered about. Even from Generation I, certain Gym Badges are referred to having an ability to "raise your Pokemon's (insert stat)". But... I never noticed anything. Probably because I never have anything fully EV tracked. Still though, is this all a bunch of lies, or do certain Gym Badges give your party EV points in whatever stat?

Then again, who cares.

Another HM that's NOT thrown in my face during an unavoidable scripted event! I had to actually ask around for this thing! 0/3 HMs were thrown in my face so far, compared to Platinum version, where 7/8 HMs were thrown to me in an unavoidable scripted event.

Hmm... This is a scripted event, sure, but I wouldn't call it unavoidable. After all, I'm not forced to clear this up, or to ever come here, really. Me clearing the path here is not a mandatory story event. So... 0/4 HMs were unavoidable so far.

I don't think this lady will be ready for my hot takes on this fight...

Oh wait. I'm the random func... no I'm not... a declared integer variable that's set to be a random integer between 1 and 386 (if done properly). So I should respond to this interview in a suitable manner!

Gabby: "So tell us, what did you think about our battle?"

I picked a random letter and a random word from that list.

... Is there though? I have a feeling that this lady doesn't know what she's doing. In Korea, this is known as "동문서답" or "東問西答". The phrase could be translated as "asked (問) about the east (東) and answered (答) about the west (西)". As in, the answer given had literally nothing to do with the question being asked.

Gabby: "Left, or right?" Random: "Pineapple!"

Hey, I completed the deliveries, and... I get nothing in return? ... Oh that's right. The Pokenav was a pre-payment. Okay. Fine. ... By the way, where'd that green suited dingus go? Did he actually get fired?

Oh, there he is. He just got kicked out of the office. Demotion, then.

In Ruby, Aqua is good, Magma is bad. In Sapphire, Aqua is bad, Magma is good. In Emerald, they're both assholes. Hehe. Makes sense.

Archie: "Whose side are you on?" Random: "Winter!"

Flannery's spamming... Attract? What are you, Whitney?

... You know, your dad's trying real hard to hook us up, and now here you are, hitting that antagonize button. To be fair, none of the female player characters look tough, since they're all kids, after all. But you know what? I'm using this as an excuse.

Are... your postal workers on strike too? "Yeah! Disruption of service! That's the coolest thing ever!" ... No wonder Devon Corp. made ME deliver their letter and package...

All right, kid. Let me tell you what this situation calls for.

You've probably already disappointed plenty of them. "I'd be real surprised if you had a lady, my friend."

She's right behind you, and she's not impressed.

Well, now that I made a whole town relish in the fact that they're nothing but a disappointment, I think I'll call it a day here.

Brawley: "Hey, so... uh... people in this town are all up and about disappointing girls. I could've sworn they were talking about some postal strike until an hour ago, and now they're all going about disappointing girls left and right!" Roxanne: "????"

[brianyololau]

3/23/24

Today's been unusually slow. It's the first time in months the daytime and evening have been hot. I also haven't had any career/school related tasks the past few days, and my two recent night shifts kinda threw my body's circadian rhythm for a loop for a bit.

I'm also feeling stressed, and I feel like it's not just one thing. I feel like it's my career, my job, my friends, my love life, my single life, my family, and my adulthood. Everything is such an individualistic experience now, and I think it's because I'm no longer in school.

School conditioned me to have a group like mentality. The cohort sits in class together. The cohort studies together. The cohort talks and celebrates together. Now that my 24 years of learning is over, it's now time for me to do my own thing, and what if that thing isn't as fun and easy as I thought?

What if I'm having second thoughts seeing all these work from home people sit at at home with their pets and being able to cook and clean for their significant other? Making more with more benefits than me, a healthcare worker who dedicated his career to saving lives?

Why do I feel like an easy and dispensable pawn able to be sent to the gallows in this respected industry?

Maybe the first step to answering all these questions first is to be real with myself. Maybe I need to accept my reality and embrace the journey which will get me to where I'm at eventually. Maybe taking the longer, more dangerous, and fulfilling route will bring value to my life in the long run.

I could have been a businessman, software engineer, or analyst.

Why did I choose such a less convenient career?

I did it because I wanted to be an FNP, to diagnose and treat people from all walks of life. I wanted to heal the broken, heal myself, and make a ton of fucking money along the way.

Can I still achieve this goal?

How?

I'd like to do all of this, but what happens when I start a family?

I'd want to work from home, make more money, stay with my dog and kids, and be there mentally for them.

I wouldn't be able to as much as an FNP who has to be in office and makes less than other specialties...

and if I choose to eventually work from home, I'd have to become a PMHNP. Am I even capable of that? Is that what I want to deal with for the rest of my career? People who are broken and suffering at the lowest point of their lives? Prescribing drugs while half the time, these poor patients can't even afford or can bring themselves to therapy?

Will I lose myself in the process?

No. All these questions and doubts. They're just hurdles that I have to face one by one. Step by step. That's the whole point of a journey. I'm just afraid if it's the right one for me. Well, I already know I like the ER, and I know that I don't plan on doing it forever.

What kind of education system doesn't warn its students that ER has the highest rate of burnout and that most people don't last their whole careers there? I wasn't even extensively taught how dangerous it could be to be poked by an infective needle. My life expectancy could go down to 5-10 years from a hepatitis infected needle, and there's no cure for that.

What kind of a sick joke is that? and for lesser pay than other specialties?

And for the government to force hospitals to eat the bill for every homeless or financially helpless who shows up at the hospital door. I understand the moral behind this, but how come the government doesn't eat the fucking bill? Shouldn't they help out than levy their own healthcare companies that affect the pay distribution of healthcare workers? Sounds like a big fuck you to me.

I need to find a way to make more than this. I like healthcare, but I think I only wanna work part time eventually. I need a replaceable income. I keep talking about this, but I've yet to actually do it.

I also know there's a long year ahead financially, socially, personally, and creatively. I'm so close to being in a position of potential independency. I just need a fuckin job.

May too. I'm afraid of pursuing something with her. I'm just not ready for something so serious so fast, and I don't wanna lose her. It's to the point where whenever we have the slightest romantic moment together, I immediately shut it out hurting myself in the process. I'd just rather find someone else I admire just as much if not even more because I think a reality like that can exist. What, 7 billion people in the world and half of the women? Aint no way I don't have a wifey out there for me. I've only been living in one city my whole life. I still got my life to live, and it has to be soon cause I aint getting any younger. It's time to live. Live for my younger self, for the life my parents didn't get to live, for the dreams sacrificed so I could carry them and live my own, for all the sights and experiences waiting for me to bring home and share with my family, for the inner conscience not yet healed, and for myself in the present.

I swear I'll live like my heart's beating out my chest. My ancestors are gonna look down and see flames of a new world order built upon love and pure fucking action.

[missinghalf]

This is a space where I write about the disaster my life has become.

I'm not going to mention details about myself here, so you won't find my age, gender, or orientation anywhere. I don't intend to follow anyone from this blog at all, so I don't think it will be a problem.

TL;DR: In the last few months I was hit by a car, my partner of 8 years left me unexpectedly, I lost my job, and I lost my apartment. This has been deeply traumatic and I still don't really know what to do with myself about it.

I'm living with my parents in the same house that my partner and I spent the pandemic living together in. It's also my childhood home. It's been very painful.

My injury has had lasting ramifications. My shoulder was destroyed and had to be put back together with a bunch of screws and plates. I can use the arm, but I can't use it well, and it'll likely need to be replaced a few decades from now. I consider myself pretty lucky.

My ex and I had been having some difficulties, but none that indicated to me that they'd leave. We had extended conversations where they were very clear that they had no intention of doing so, but this wasn't the case as it turns out. We talk rarely, mostly for logistical reasons, as some of my stuff is still at the apartment and we share custody of a cat.

We had been sharing an apartment and had chosen to move prior to the breakup due to rent increases. We ended up choosing to live together after the breakup anyways as it was more affordable, but my ex-partner wanted to break contact for a month and I just never ended up moving in to the new place. Now that I have close to no income, I can't afford to pay rent anyways.

I have debilitating mental illnesses which, for obvious reazons, have gotten much worse. I don't have access to the medication I need due to shortages, so the problems persist. I've spent a lot of time wishing that car had just killed me. It'd have made things a lot easier and I could've gone the rest of my life not knowing my partner didn't love me. Sadly I remain alive and deep in unreciprocated love.

Now, the big question I'm sure you're asking yourself: "Why are you telling me all of this?"

Because I've been talking to a journal for months and it's driving me insane. I don't know why it's helpful to send my thoughts out into the void like this, but it is. So here we are.

"I think I know you"

You probably don't. Plenty of my, and my ex's, friends are on here so it's possible. You can ask, but I may not reply. If you're my ex, I promise I'm not adding the comma splices on purpose to piss you off. I just suck at noticing them.

Buckle in and read on if that's what you want to do. I have no goals for this blog and I'll be sharing pretty minimal details. Bear in mind that my point of view is a biased one.

[queenofbraves]

"Do you experience suicidal ideation?" Daily, I am constantly thinking about how much easier it would be to just die. I cried about it a few minutes before making this post. This also happens for one reason or another almost every day.

"Do you want to kill yourself?" No, there are a lot of people who care about me, to various degrees, and for various reasons. I do not want any of them to go through anything like that (again for some of them)

"Do you think it is worthwhile to be in a union?" Yes, unionizing and presenting your demands collectively is the only way to leverage power in a meaningful way against capitalists who would otherwise pay you almost nothing with no benefits.

"Do you enjoy being in a union?" No, I fucking hate almost everyone I've met during this. ALL of them, UNIVERSALLY, are extremely homophobic. There are exactly 2 people I've met and worked with I haven't heard call someone a faggot because they hate them. 2 more of the dudes I would otherwise regard as alright occasionally use it as their last resort for things they absolutely hate more than any other. This is without even touching upon the absolutely insane nationalism, and the absolutely sickening thought process of "well this company gave you a job, they pay for everything so you need to give them everything, all of your life." even within the union. Both are rampant.

"Does being transgender make you happy?" Yes, I love being a trans woman, I love other trans women, I can't wait to undergo further medical transition and hopefully one day feel pretty, and comfortable.

"Are you out?" Only online. Nobody knows about me irl. I get made fun of regularly for being fat and having boobs, saying that I should wear a sports bra. I dread the day I actually have to or otherwise change to the point it becomes unmistakeable because of how violent and cruel all the people I have met through school and work are. There is a transgender woman that works for a company that will be coming to our jobsite soon. The things that the workers and foremen have said about her make me sick. They refer to her as either "it" or "he" and they either react like she's a zoo animal, or target practice. I'm petrified to put myself out there to meet people who could be actual friends, and I don't even know how I would even fucking DO that, or a romantic partner because all I ever hear is about why freaks and faggots like me are ruining things for everyone else and should be killed, jailed, confined to a mental institution, or inflicted on other people as a punishment.

"What's your biggest issue, right now?" Well I think mentally, I'm just alone. I have no one I can trust or talk to in real life, as should be clear from my last couple of answers. I desperately want a friend, at least, and a place other than my jobsite or apartment i can go to. Physically, even with this union job, I am barely making enough to survive. I cannot afford new boots or tools. I had to ask my parents, who don't know anything about me, and have never EVER made me feel like I could trust them or be loved, for help a few weeks ago so i could make the insurance payment on my car. My engine is apparently leaking oil in like 3 places and I need to buy replacement parts. I have to pay for books for school as well, and while I'm trying to do it in parts on a credit card, I have no idea when I'll be able to pay it off. I feel like I'm drowning.

"Is there anything you like to do for fun?" Lots, I love games, I love anime, I keep discovering new ones I want to experience and recently a lot of them have been really good so it makes me really thankful. I usually spend one day of my weekend hanging out with a close friend and just watching movies or OVAs or something recently, and it's easily the brightest point in my life right now.

"Well how much do you do on your own?" Almost nothing, for a month now I've wanted to keep going on my first Dragon Quest game and finish it out. I feel like I got kind of close but I keep spiraling and spiraling and for like a week or two now I can barely manage to play phone games with a video on in the background. I haven't watched any anime on my own in a year because I want to watch Cutie Honey F, but the only way I can is from a download on my computer because the subs are all messed up everywhere. Reading is even harder than a game, and I haven't read a book since last year.

"Have you had any luck talking to people here?" Yes and no, earlier this year I started talking to a bunch of new people out of nowhere on here and most of them liked me one way or another. However that number has kept dwindling and dwindling and now only a few text me and none want to sext or anything anymore. One or two just had their fun with me once and vanished but most were talking for a week or two and then just gradually faded away. It makes me feel like I'm just, hard to enjoy talking to or be around, and while I can be kind of hot or interesting or whatever its more luck than anything. On top of that, one of the people who was still talking to me got targeted by a transphobe and got axed by tumblr like 4 times in a row. I think they might have IP banned it. I miss it. For various reasons, it's made me feel ugly, annoying, broken, pathetic, and boring in equal measures over the course of the last 3 months. I'm haunted by 2 comments specifically, one of which was that I'm too nice to be a domme haha. I have no experience so they might be right and that kills me.

This is really long post and I'm kind of sorry for subjecting you to it but also I'm suffering so much and I need t o let it out. if you ever want to talk about games or anime or you think we might have a little chemistry please reach out. I do sometimes as well but its usually when I'm kinda at the peak of my confidence and right now im at at the crater so I dunno how long it'll be until that happens again.

My life is honestly so fucking stupid

[okay-computer]

I have a couple of questions because I know fuck all about computers!

I have a gaming laptop atm (hp power pavillion) that I use for school and games. I've had it for about 4 years at this point, and I've been told that that's about the average functional lifespan for a laptop. I'd like to figure out what to get next before I HAVE to get something new so I can make a good instead of quick decision.

I think I want a desktop pc next, because I believe that swapping out parts on one of those as necessary is probably cheaper in the long run than getting a new laptop every X years, and I'll have a computer that's up to date the entire time.

If that is actually the best way to go, I'm stuck on what to get specifically. I have a very basic understanding of what different components do, but I don't really know the difference between different levels of something. Like a graphics card is what generates the images you see on your monitor, but what difference do you see in a rtx 40 or 30? And is that difference worth the difference in price? And the same goes for every other component of the pc too. Everything has so many different variables I'm getting kind of overwhelmed by all of it.

I'd probably mainly use the new computer for gaming and I'm not all that concerned with rendering every single pore on a character's skin so to speak, but I'd like to be able to put the graphics on fancy instead of fast for once.

And finally, how can you start to learn about all of this? It feels like half the information I get when looking up how to build a pc is just trying to sell me something and not very objective.

So generally speaking laptops have an expected lifespan of 3-5 years (that's flexible, depending on use - I tend to get about 7 out of mine for day-to-day use and then an extra 5 years of light duty).

However, desktops are only a little better! 5 years is about the expected lifespan of a business desktop before it's more efficient to replace it than to repair it in a business context (home users often get more life out of desktops than enterprise users do).

The hard limit for upgrades for almost all computers, laptop or desktop, is the processor. Even if you technically *CAN* replace your processor on some systems it typically isn't worth it, and so as your computer ages the processor becomes the bottleneck for speed.

If you game heavily and are planning on doing so for a long time, I'd say to look at getting a custom build and to dump as much cash as you can afford into getting the best processor and graphics card you can.

If you're gaming, processor speed matters more than core count. I do not, unfortunately, have any advice that I can give you about graphics cards, except to say that they're often less about visual clarity and more about rendering things quickly.

NZXT is a gaming computer group I've worked with before and I've been very satisfied with everything I've ordered for them for customers.

Both of the creators I'm about to list DO often post sponsored content that is trying to sell stuff, but they also have MASSIVE backlogs of videos that you can watch to get a feel for how to put together a PC, what parts do what, and what parts matter.

Linus Tech Tips has a lot of how-tos but also has the team competing to build computers or diagnose problems, and watching a team of people trouble-shooting is genuinely one of the best ways to learn how to work on computers because trouble-shooting is a necessary skill for that kind of work. Here's a video of theirs on building a PC, and for a fun twist (with some shaky cam) here's a POV video on how to build a PC.

Paul's Hardware is also a great source for hardware info. Here's his playlist of PC Builds.

[yourepower]

Find the best Phone LCD parts near you here

Motorola parts search, Motorola replacement parts.

The year was 1997 the movie was the saint and for the tech nerd in me the film was really just part of the story what really blew my mind was not whether val kilmer played a good roger moore honestly my eyes were mostly set on that nokia 9000 communicator see for a guy who could barely afford a cheap nokia 250 at the time the idea of a phone that could morph into a communicator was stuff of science fiction it was this device along with the palms and the pocket pcs and the blackberries that helped your phone today do so much more the problem is when the flat slab took over and really for a couple of reasons i honestly think the obsession over a larger flat screen got kind of out of hand up to the point where Phone parts today are massive and really in ways that aren't always convenient like i get it that having a large screen is good for watching a video but is it just this useful when you're trying to use it with one hand like seriously think about it do you always need your phone to be large or wouldn't it be great if your phone was easy to handle when you need it but then became something else entirely when you need more this is the samsung galaxy fold 3. one of the two smartphones i've carried in my pocket for the last two months and honestly the one that i would not leave home without if i had to pick.

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i know with the iphones and the pixels that just got launched that's kind of a statement but it's because i've tested those products already that i find myself believing in that premise more and more i'm hamilah with pocket now and this is my experience with it after two months of use if we're honest the idea of a foldable tablet in your pocket is a topic of excess it's as if companies have decided to address the growing demand for larger screens about as well as lightning hitting the iron man suit power at 400 capacity how about that but if we only look at it as a Phone LCD parts or a tablet i think we're missing the bigger picture surely there's nothing a foldable can do that a flat slab can't do but if we're real regular smartphones aren't really great at everything and i don't think this z-fold 3 wants to just be a phone or just be a tablet the most important ideas here are peace of mind and adaptability i think the first is the most important actually buying this phone before was honestly a stretch because it wasn't affordable and there was no guarantee it would survive extended use given its rocky start this third generation is finally what the first two weren't it's a bit less expensive and yet manages to solve absolutely every complaint we had with the previous models we finally get ipx8 water resistance for example making me no longer worried about bringing it to the gym it also brings gorilla glass victus in the front and back match with a stronger armor aluminum on the hinge and the chassis at 271 grams it's definitely not a phone that i'd call light but again it's not just the phone ironically i think there's more genius to this phone closed than open see there's a reason why screens have become taller for the past four years the narrower the device the easier it is to hold and use.

Motorola replacement parts

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but the z-fold 3 takes that a step further i feel more confident holding this thicker sandwich with one hand and the taller aspect ratio of the 6.2 inch oled helps me reach most of the screen without a problem which is then complemented by a snappy 120hz refresh rate if i'm on the street and need to communicate quick this feels like the perfect phone to handle so much so that i haven't really dropped this phone at all so far this narrow approach is even easier to pocket as it snugs just right at the edge of any pair of jeans now when i'm not on the go this phone pays perfect though much to that nokia 9000 from so many years ago if we're realistic a tablet does a far better job than a regular phone when i want to either consume content or get productive and that's really what makes this phone special at 7.5 inches diagonal this is almost an ipad mini but with more resolution far less bezels dynamic refresh rate up to 120 hertz and all the great color this dynamic amoled can provide along with some of the best dual firing speakers i've heard this year much.

Some Common Questions Motorola Mobile Parts USA

Does Motorola sell parts?

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

Good To You

After a week of reading nothing but other people's fics, I've been here dying to write my own. I used a writing prompt on the @witterprompts blog. It's a great place for writing prompts. Hopefully you guys will enjoy.

In this fic the reader questions Ricks goodness.

__________________

You offered to help him remove the slime which stuck to his hair and clothes, but he insisted that due to its chemical composition, you were likely to get electrocuted if you attempted to remove it by normal means. Today, Rick had become the victim to another one of the guard Rick's pranks, and instead of reporting it to his supervisors, he put up with it believing that it'll resolve itself. You, on the other hand, didn't believe it. “Rick, how are you still so reasonable towards people after they’ve been so… awful to you?”

"Why do y-you ask?"

"I'm asking because it hurts me to see this happen to you."

Going through a cardboard box, Rick pulled out a jar that appeared to have jelly but was, in fact, a neutral slime that would allow him to rinse off the original substance with a garden hose. Once the majority of the awful stuff drained away to the sewer drains, it was safe enough for you to assist him in drying off his hair, even if you did receive a few static shocks in the process. "I-It doesn't make me happy either," he started; sighing as he took a good look at his stained shoes. "but if I got upset every time s-something went wrong, I'd cause more harm t-t-to myself then they'd ever would."

Replacing the drenched towel with a new one, you handed it to him so you could assist him in removing his labcoat; it was going to take a lot more than OxiClean to get the burn marks out. "How so?"

"It wouldn't be conducive to getting my job done, and I - it would be going against everything I've worked my whole life t-t-to become; someone my mother would've been proud of."

"Was she proud of your peaceful nature?"

Dropping the towel he had used to dry off his face and arms, he shifted his body so that he could grab your hand and give it a good squeeze. "She um - she was glad I-I was nothing like my father. He…he wasn't always a-a good man."

Wrapping your arms around him, you didn't care if your clothes would be ruined by the mix of chemicals, slime, or residual electrical charge, but instead caressed the back of his head, cooing warmly. "I see. I'm sorry if I asked too much again. It seems I have a propensity to do so."

"It's okay. I-I wouldn't have told you if I didn't think you should know." he answered solemnly.

"I'm glad you're a good man Ricky. A really good man."

You felt him go rigid at that moment. You wondered if what you said had offended him in some way, but you decided to wait; he'd tell you at some point what was bothering him. It would be a few minutes before he pulled back and considered you with a guilt-stricken look. "How do y-you know?"

"How do I know? You mean, if you're a good man?"

"Mhm."

"Well, that's the thing, I don't know if what I'm about to say will make any sense, but I'll try. When it comes to you, I only know what I know. You…you have always been considerate, kind, and sincere. I doubt there's anyone who could say otherwise. Where others would consider your principles as a weakness or curse, I consider virtues and gifts in love. And while it happens that a good man doesn't always do good things," you paused, cupping his cheek to know you hadn't forgotten him. "it's all about the heart and intent behind his actions that act as a judge of character. To me, it doesn't matter who you prove to be at the end, but you have always been good to me and a person who tries and sees good in others even when everyone else is ready to persecute without cause. I think that's enough for me."

He smiled weakly at you then, soon giving way to tears as anxiety and stress eased away little by little and were replaced with relief as he gripped on to the soft fabric of your blouse. "Gosh, if anyone is good, then it's you. Y-y-your such a good person." he sniffled. "S-so good."

You would've said otherwise, but it wouldn't have improved the situation. So, you kept silent.

_________

"Whenever you're ready," you softened. "I'll run a bath for you so you can relax. Just let me know when."

"O-okay."

"Also, I couldn't do anything about your shoes. I think we're just going to have to get you some new ones."

"In the meantime, I guess I'll have t-to use my old pair."

"If you're referring to the ones I glued back together, then you'll be sure to find them in the blue shoebox in the back of the closet."

By now Rick was much calmer and had gotten most, if not all the stains out of his clothes and was waiting for them to dry while you brushed the dried bits of slime out of his hair. "Y-you won't leave, will you?" he asked. "I know it's getting late but I-"

"No," you interrupted. "I'll be in the house if you need me. When you're all nice and clean and have changed into your pajamas, I'll have a cup of tea ready for you."

"Gosh, y-you don't have t-to do all that. I just hoped you might consider staying long enough for dinner. I have your favorite casserole in the oven."

You couldn't believe how he could afford to be this sweet despite all the trouble he had gone through this week, let alone today, but you were determined to make sure that the rest of the day wasn't going to disappoint him. "I'd love to have dinner with you. I bet it's going to be wonderful."

"If you're tired, then it's okay if you'd rather go home. I've kept you long enough as it - as it is. I'm sorry if I've been selfish today."

Leaning down, you pressed a kiss to his cheek. It surprised both of you when you received a static shock, and he was apologetic, but you didn't care; you kissed him again, and again to remind him that he wasn't asking for too much and that it was only natural. "Don't be silly. I'm not going anywhere."

"Are y-you sure?"

"I'm sure."

And as you headed towards the door that would lead you out the garage and into the kitchen, you answered. "Ricky, I'll stay as long as you need me to because I just wanna be good to you. As you have always been with me."

Fin

[atlas-library]

translated a little powerpoint i had made two years ago for my friends just for your guys on tumblr hehe

it's about the hierarchy of the palace + what sponsors and managers are

like i've said before, toge is at the top of the hierarchy (he took noritoshi's spot)

okay, spoilers so it's below the cut

the concept of the fic is that everyone's terrible, i talk about it (in a very pompous way) here

the palace is supposed to look grandiose, fancy, like heaven (especially from yuuta's pov, someone who's had issues with food + affording food, and who can now eat everything he wants), but the truth is the palace turns you into the worst version of yourself. now don't get me wrong, you don't become "evil", it's not changing you; it's just awakening the bad part inside of you.

BIG SPOILERS!!

skip to the second meme to skip these since it spoils some of the story arcs + toge's character "analysis"

nobara starts as a nice girl, a bit sassy but what's not to love? maki even has a tiny crush on her. nobara is also a big fan of "cannibal", toge, and tries very hard to enter his inner circle (and it works, mostly because she's funny and maki likes her).

however, nobara is also very ambitious. her character is actually similar to toge's: she won't give up on anything to get what she wants. which, now that she's part of the palace, part of the elite... makes her terrible. to the point where she eventually uses maki to get personal information on toge (learning about toge's hyperphagia ["the extreme unsatisfied drive to consume food"]), and then taking advantage of yuuta's feelings towards toge to ruin toge, so she can steal his role in the final show of the year and get recognised.

naoya, toge's sponsor, tells him to lose weight before the show (in 3 months). nobara tells yuuta "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and convinces him to feed toge; which works at first, since toge wants to eat even more now that he's forbidden to do it.

let's be real, nobara's terrible for worsening toge's ED; that's the point. the toxic air of the palace turned her into the worst version of herself.

toge eventually learns about the whole scheme, and let's just say he's ready to ruin her :D toge got his nickname, cannibal, not only because of how insatiable he is, but also (and mostly) because he eats his competition not literally. that's what he did to noritoshi, keeping him in his shadow after dethroning him; time to do the same to the newbie.

i think it's important to explain why nobara suddenly turns against toge: it's actually yuuta's fault.

long story short, naoya was once very angry against toge and slapped him in public, then tried to drag him with him for their "lunch date". yuuta tried to stop them, and even though she felt it was a bad idea, nobara helped in peacefully making naoya leave. this humiliated toge, more than naoya's slap; he took back yuuta's and nobara's privileges, basically kicking them out of his elite group. meaning they were now low in the rankings (especially yuuta who eventually becomes a ballet dancer with maki's help).

maki used her veto to get nobara back "as her pet", but toge proceeded to humiliate her further by giving him useless tasks, sometimes impossible to fulfil, only so she would have to fight for her spot against the tens of first-years ready to replace her. toge is basically the queen B of the palace.

yuuta had to literally crawl for toge to accept him back. nobara did the bare minimum, now filled with shame and anger: she's ready to take toge's place. and again, the toxic air of the palace used that to turn her into the worst version of herself.

okay this was long and that's still a big summary of everything LOL maybe i should just make a sideblog dedicated to the fic... 😭😭😭

long story short: toge rules the palace, and you better not cross him. :D otherwise, war will ensue

anyway! :D

okay so i just wanna ramble about my inuokko fic, raw, since i'm taking years to write anything anyway :D

spoilers kinda?? below the cut?? i'm brainstorming half of it ngl so yeah idk open it at your own risk

the premise is basically this: this is set in japan, in our current decade. yuuta is financially poor, rents a lame apartment and still gets evicted from it. despite the law saying you need to give a 6-month notice, no one would apparently care about poor people (coughs am i being smooth enough with the social commentary coughs), so yuuta is given two weeks to find a new job and a new place to live. keep in mind, yuuta couldn't afford high school (you need to pay for high school in japan), his mom is clearly nowhere to be seen, and he always fails his job interviews.

ofc there's also an entire thing going on with food and sexual desire. yuuta struggles with both, they're linked to the entire story since food is actually used as a metaphor for other topics. ANYWAY this is so messy, i'm not trying to make it sound perfect so whatever.

yuuta does find a job!! he's going to be part of the cleaning staff at the sugawara palace, which is heavily inspired from the palais garnier in france: basically a school for opera singers, actors and ballet dancers, that also hosts actual shows. yuuta can have his own room at the palace, although hidden from the students, and that's just too good of an opportunity to pass on.

during his first day at work, yuuta is ignored by the students and understands there's a world between him and them. there also seems to be some hierarchy going on, but he doesn't try to learn about it. near the end of his shift, when there's only one room left to clean, he sees people inside and checks by the window: it's two persons, fucking inside the room. yuuta is shocked but can't look away; he locks eyes with the person on the receiving end. a violet gaze.

yuuta then realises that if he can see the person's eye colour, it means the person can also see him... and doesn't seem to mind, on the contrary. still, yuuta runs away to another corridor, and eventually hides until they're finished because he doesn't want to lose his job because he didn't clean a room. when he goes back inside the room, he finds a ticket with a qr code on a table. a party, in less than a week.

yuuta shoves it in his pocket, still haunted by the violet gaze.

the violet gaze is obviously toge's. toge and the main cast all have nicknames, since they are/were students at the palace and are/were part of the hierarchy going on.

naoya, former acting student and now toge's sponsor/manager. his nickname is mildew. he gets called like this because of his hair... and he isn't well-liked.

mei mei, former ballet student and now uraume's manager (uraume switched managers). her nickname is midas. she turns everything she touches to gold, a reference to how she made uraume popular again after their original fall.

uraume, former opera student and now one of the most popular and successful opera singers of this generation. their nickname is porcelain, because of their alabaster skin and their doll-like features. still, they're ruthless.

maki, ballet student in her 2nd year, and toge's friend. her nickname is hellhound because of how angry she always is. she's also seen as toge's guarddog.

nobara, opera student in her 1st year. she just arrived at the palace, from the countryside. she got given the nickname voodoo, mostly because she gives bad luck to people (whether on purpose or not).

noritoshi, opera student in his 3rd year. he was originally first on the podium, but toge dethroned him last year (noritoshi was his self-proclaimed mentor). his nickname was icarus, but after toge dethroned him he became vulture.

toge, opera student in his 2nd year. he dethroned noritoshi in his first year, and earned his nickname that way. his nickname is cannibal.

yuuta doesn't have a nickname at first, but toge quickly "claims" him (<- makes him his new pet/distraction), and refers to him as his new "morsel". thus, yuuta's nickname: morsel.

don't expect toge to be kind LOL the setting of the fic basically makes everyone a little bit terrible.

if i weren't lowkey scared of plagiarism (which is ridiculous since i don't even have a big following haha) i would share some notes from future chapters to show rather than tell toge's presence in the fic... but i guess i'll have to make another post about this.

[riseofthedark]

Self-care

There's a post that just showed up on my feed that I want to discuss. The reason I'm not using the original post in this is that op comes off as somewhat abrasive [now if they truly are or aren't that I don't know].

In their post they say the recent mantra we don't owe anyone anything is a damaging mentality. As life is a collaborative event and we rely upon others we thus owe to others as much as we have to give. I'm not here to attack them (another reason why I'm making this a separate post), but rather am here to give my own thoughts and perspective.

I struggle with words and while I can use them properly in context their definitions tend to be fuzzy at best. As whoever may read this post might have the same issue with words I will define the word owe below.

Owe (verb) - have an obligation to pay or repay (something, especially money) in return for something received

definition taken from Oxford Languages

I struggle with what OP said mainly because I do that. I give in ways of my time, commitments, effort, all of that until I have nothing else to give. This need to give parts of myself until I have nothing else I can give has been instilled in my by my parents since I was a child. As a result giving has become the main way I show affection to people.

As a result i'm burnt out and struggling to survive. Not necessarily money wise (though that's also a struggle) but physically and mentally. OP says "we owe all we're able to give". But that's just the thing, all we're able to give and all that we can reasonably give are very different things.

Think in terms of money, I'll use my own situation as an example.

After taxes I make about $1800 a month total

Taking out every single necessary expense I have about $400 left over. For me to live paycheck to paycheck I only need $1400 on a good month. I am technically able to give my entire paycheck, but someone once told me when you have to say technically it's wrong.

So let's work with what I have, $400. I could give all of that money away since I don't need it. But, this leaves no room for anything else. If that $400 is always given away anything that comes up that I have to pay for that's not accounted for in necessary purchases, has to be bought with the $1400 I do have.

Something will have to give on my side but it can't be that $400 because it's already given away. So maybe i'll go without food for a week or even two because I have to replace something I can't afford otherwise. Anything unexpected I'll have to sacrifice something I need because i've already given something I need to give.

Reasonably what can I give from that $400? Maybe $50. Which, $350 is a lot of money so why did I say I am able to give it away? Because it's not necessary to my survival. But when I can afford it I'm paying for doctors appointments, medication, and currently physical therapy. Now im poor so a lot of that is covered but some it isn't. When all $350 isn't used up I put it in savings so next time something breaks I can replace it without hurting myself in the process.

Now let's talk about time, commitments, and effort. I can't really say no to people so my schedule has to include sleep or i'll try to go without it. Every minute of my day is planned if something unexpected happens I'll just get less sleep, maybe skip eating. After all who really needs hygiene?

When anyone asks me to help or to do something that time-wise I am able do, I do it. If I don't there's this overwhelming feeling of guilt and self hate that I couldn't even do such a simple thing. Typically, showing someone my schedule they ask me how I'm still functioning. It's because the way i've scheduled myself if I miss anything it builds to the point where even trying to get back on track takes at least one mental break down like a "you should come in twice this week for therapy" type of breakdown.

Huh, that got a bit dark for me.....

The phrase "you don't owe anyone anything", is true.

While the context it was originally formed in (general perception) was breaking away from toxic situations. I don't owe my parents my appearance, ideals, or sexual expression because they raised me. I don't owe my work soul breaking labor because they pay me. I am allowed to leave without feeling like I owe them a debt.

One also doesn't have to support the system or try to change the system even though it's done things have either benefited them or been detrimental to them. This isn't to say that life isn't transactional. To get money one has to work. To get services done you have to pay for it. To receive affection you also have to give it. Do I personally think that giving to or helping others is something you should do? Yes. There is no one way of thinking that covers every exception or every circumstance so my way of thinking is just that. My way of thinking.

But for me, I believe that one does not owe tall their able to give just for existing.

[spermendes]

DREAMS [SM: SONG ONE-SHOT]

Description: Y/N’s past affects her relationship with Shawn, to the point that he can’t deal with it anymore. He leaves for tour, but they still dream about one another.

SONG: Dreams - NF

N.E

Yeah, most of my life's full of sad days

Started at a young age

Yeah, bought a house but I've been livin' on stage

Tryna find the real me, I ain't found it yet

Wake up every morning feelin' like I'm guilty

Talk to God, "Can you hear me?"

Lately, I'm a mess

I don't want no one to help me

Yeah, I don't want no one to help me and

EVER SINCE the beginning, Y/N had known what pain felt like, whether it be mental or physical, she was most certain she’d felt it before. But really, what hurt the most, was the fact that the pain wasn’t accident, but it was her that was the accident. She wasn’t planned. She wasn’t supposed to be brought into this world. She was classified as a drunken mistake that happened to be created amongst all of it.

At about six years old, her father had left and come back more times than she could count, and then one day he just never came back. Her mother was diagnosed with depression, and had troubles looking after her for many years in her life. It had changed the two of them, they both so different to what they were before he left, despite Y/N being young.

Y/N lived in a quiet house, one full of sadness. There was no laughter, no smiles. It was just occupied by her mother and herself. Her mother turned to drinking regularly, and found herself in the hospital enough times that she couldn’t keep track anymore. Y/N looked after her mother more than her mother looked after her, and it took a toll on her.

She couldn’t deal with it after three years, so she decided to figure her life out. She was midst her way through elementary when it was found out that she had a higher intelligence than most people her age, which resulted in her moving up almost two year levels. She was the youngest in her class, and it was scary.

If you think I make decisions based off of what you think, then you're wrong

Can't nobody think for me, I got my own thoughts

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it's all gone, 'til it's all gone

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She was amongst kids almost two years older, and being smarter than them? That was a problem for some of those kids. They didn’t like that someone who was a year a half younger than them, was also smarter than them. It then resulted to her being bullied, until she went to a different high school to everyone she had known in primary school.

She graduated high school and decided she wanted to write poetry and study history. It was when she was in college, that things had started looking up. She was still being judged, but she knew it come with the territory. She’d made a few good friends, and that was when she met Shawn. Shawn, the musician major, the kid that slipped his way into her heart without her even realising until it was too late.

They’d started getting to know one another, until one day he asked her to be his girlfriend. That was the start of the best time in her life, she forgot about her past more and more with Shawn beside her because he was too busy making more memories to replace her old ones.

They’d dated all throughout college, even until Shawn had gotten a record deal for Island Records in New York City. He was over the moon about it, and Y/N supported him all throughout his rise to fame, while she wrote poems to the side of being a history tutor. Shawn absolutely loved her poems, to the point that he’d even recreated them into his own words to make them lyrics.

They were the strongest couple out there. They barely fought, and if they did, it was usually something major, but they came out stronger than ever. Shawn stuck by her side even throughtout the days she wasn’t feeling like herself, up until one day, he just snapped.

I–I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

He couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore. It was putting pressure on his career, and he didn’t want to risk anything. Their relationship then ended, after four and a half years, just days before Shawn was supposed to be going on his second world tour. It shattered Y/N, as she now had nobody to get help from. Her mother abandoned her before she graduated high school, so she was stuck fending for herself, until a middle aged couple found her and took her in as their own.

She’d never been happier after being taken in by the couple. They treated her like family, and gave her everything she needed to be successful. They taught her most things she knew, but also taught her things she never would have learnt if they hadn’t of taken her in. She was grateful for the two of them, as she wouldn’t have gotten this far.

She’d been offered a job after college, to work for a newspaper who often added a page to writers for short stories or even poems. Y/N’s work had been added several times, which landed her a job at one the biggest publishing company’s in New York. She’d been so occupied that she didn’t even bother to check any of her social media, unless she was on there just to post her newest poem she’d made up.

Most of my life's full of regrets

Things I wanna take back, yeah

Wrote you a letter, wish that I had never sent that

Didn't even make sense, I don't even know

All I know is I get lower on the weekends

They tell me I should make friends, I just sit at home

Lately, I've been off the deep end, yeah

I've been off the deep end and

She never got distracted on social media. Shawn and herself hadn’t spoken in months, not since the break up, but she kind of glad. They’d ended on such bad terms that she wasn’t sure that she’d even speak to him again after what he’d said to her, if they ever ran into one another again.

She did miss him though, and all the memories that they made. She had never been happier than after she had been adopted. It was the best time in her life, and she’d finally grown more as a person. She was changing, and growing stronger every day without him.

But deep down inside of her, she still cared about him. She knew it wouldn’t be good to text or call him, so she decided to send him an old fashioned letter. But in the end, with the response she had gotten about not wanting to stay friends, deal with her problems, or even be friends with her.

If you think that I'm 'bout to change who I am just for you then you're so wrong

As I kid I built a house around my broke cars

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it falls apart, 'til it falls apart

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She’d suddenly gotten lower than she ever had been before, and her adoptive parents said it’d be best if she made some friends, and she tried, but she found herself in the bottom of a bottle like her mother. That was her worst fear, to turn out like her mother had. She hated the fact that she’d turned to drinking, and she wished she could change her decision.

She’d then found herself a friend that helped her through everything. She’d learnt of everything that had happened in Y/N’s life up until that moment, and she didn’t run or hide. She stayed by her side more than Shawn did. It scared her, opening up to someone again, after what Shawn had done.

Sometimes it’d scared her so much that she found herself dreaming of him and what they used to be before everything went to shit. Many nights she had spent waking up in tears, just wishing everything went to the way before Shawn and herself broke up, because he was one of the best things that had happened to her.

I've been doin' me (oh)

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me (I have been)

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me (followin' my)

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me (I've been followin' my)

Yeah, I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

She still continued to write her poems however, and she was still as passionate as she was five and a half years ago. Nothing in her career had changed, because of her traumatic past fuelled her to write more meaningful poems. Many turning back around to being about Shawn.

It showed. People figured it out, quite quickly too, which scared her. She hoped that Shawn hadn’t figured them out yet, because she didn’t want him to know that she still cared, despite everything that happened. She’d grown as a person, she’d sort of moved on, she’d got a new family, and she had a new friend. What more could she want?

Shawn. That’s what she wanted. That’s what she’d wanted since the moment they broke up. She’d never shed so many tears after their break up, crying for days on end, feeling herself become lower and lower, only for nobody to be by her side to help her cope with that.

Yeah, I'm reminiscin' back to both of us laughin'

Playin' old records thinkin' every one of 'em's classic

Windows down, we on the street up in Michigan rappin'

We talked about it, but never really knew it could happen

My confidence about as low as the gas is

We didn't have the money for it, so we'd turn the key backwards

And sit in parking lots for hours 'til the battery crashes

I think that we related 'cause both of us were lookin' for answers

A couple months ago I drove into Gladwin, got me all in my feelings

It's somethin' 'bout bein' somewhere that's familiar

Pull in the gas station, open up the tank then I fill it then laugh

Would I move back? Mm, not in a million, but I appreciate the memories that we had

I know you've been callin', sorry I never call back

I know I've been distant, you know I never meant that

You can tell the family how I'm doing if they ask

I'm just doin' me

Shawn was different though. He had so many people he could ask for help, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to admit that all of his problems were because of his ex-girlfriend, who had problems since the moment she was old enough to understand what was one. He didn’t want to tell anybody what his songs were about, because he just couldn’t.

He felt like it’d betray the trust he once had with Y/N, before he snapped and everything went down hill. She put so much trust in him that it physically hurt, because she was constantly a reminder of how much trust he could put into somebody.

He couldn’t do anything now. She was far to gone from her old self, that she wouldn’t even be able to help him with everything that went downhill for him. Everything went downhill after they broke up, but now, the only thing he could do was dream of what they used to be.

[chocolatepot]

Mmmm. Yes and no. It would be wrong to pretend that companies are just filling a need and we can't judge them, but likewise culture is way more complicated than "consumers are just trying to get by and companies are forcing them to purchase more".

The amount of clothing owned at a time by an individual has been increasing since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution. We don't have anywhere near the amount of data we'd need to be specific about this statistically, but fiction and advice lit paints a pretty good picture. For instance, Emily Patmore's The Servant's Behaviour Book (1859) thinks it's normal for female domestic servants to have only two cotton dresses, one for morning work and one for afternoon work - what's important is being clean (morning work being dirtier than afternoon work), nobody cares if you're seen in the same thing repeatedly. That's a concern for the very wealthy; even the middle classes might just have a single outfit for "best" and a couple of others for the rest of the time.

The rise of the ready-made garment industry in the late 19th and early 20th century, which allowed people to obtain any clothing item they needed or wanted without having to be involved with an artisan at all, was the turning point that led to our modern expectation of having a large wardrobe. By the mid-20th century it becomes a reasonable thing for everyone to have different clothes for every day of the week. By the end of the century, the concept of a women's "capsule wardrobe" is popular, with a number of blouses, skirts, pairs of slacks, blazers, sweaters, etc. which is theoretically minimal but still pretty extensive by historical standards, and which is intended to give the impression of an even bigger wardrobe by allowing the owner to not have to rewear the same outfit in a month.

My point being, we have a cultural expectation now that people will not look the same way twice in a short period of time, so people are anxious about being judged as badly dressed or poor or dirty if they don't have "enough" clothing.

It's also desirably luxurious to have a whole bunch of different clothes. This is just basic human nature. If you can have one good thing or two good things, everyone wants two good things. If you see something you like in a store, you want to own it. The idea of being able to buy lots of fashionable clothing is attractive to most people. I've had actual conversations where people have directly told me they'd rather have more shittily made garments than many fewer better-made pieces, because they want lots of choice in what they wear and why should only rich people have that.

I don't think it's the case at all that fast fashion items can't be repaired - they're just fabric and thread when you get down to it, how could they be literally unfixable? - it's just that most people believe they're not worth repairing when they can be replaced cheaply, particularly when wearers fear they'll be judged if the repair can be perceived at all.

People need clothing to live, but well-made clothing made by independent sellers that's worth repairing costs more because that's just how it works (can't have good and fast and cheap), and said sellers get abused on Twitter because if they aren't pricing pieces low enough for everyone to be able to afford a bunch of items whenever they want, they "hate poor people".

It's not just a question of money, plenty of people would rather have two different tops for $5 than one top for $10 for a valid cultural reason. I wouldn't blame people as individuals, but it's reasonable to feel that the situation could be changed if we could get rid of the idea that it's bad to look like you don't have a large wardrobe.

I *knew* that companies have been trying to shift blame for damage to the environment onto regular people's buying habits, but it has still somehow been a shock to research a topic and find the internet totally dominated by the narrative that "consumerism" and the desire to buy more stuff is entirely responsible for pollution and landfill waste, instead of factors such as planned obsolescence.

It's insidious—this widespread idea that average people are too greedy, and that's what fuels climate change and pollution. Not greedy companies.

"Consumers shop for clothes to stay on-trend and throw away perfectly good old clothes." "Consumers only wear clothes a few times before throwing them away." "A huge amount of landfill waste comes from clothing that consumers throw out." "Consumers replace their wardrobes arbitrarily to stay on-trend." "Consumer demand for 'fast fashion' is rising spite of the environmental impacts."

Statements like this make it sound like regular people want to buy and waste vast amounts of resources, and normal people's unchecked addiction to shopping is causing environmental devastation. It's horribly misleading when products are being deliberately designed to break or wear out within one or two years and to be impossible to repair.

Instead of "Americans are buying way more clothes than they did 20 years ago, causing lots of landfill waste!"

Where are the articles entitled "Clothing brands are selling poorly-made clothes that have to be replaced much more often than 20 years ago, causing lots of landfill waste!"

[poisonheart]

Saaaame. I always run to read your reply though sometimes I wish I could reblog right away, but sometimes the hamster in my brain gets on a different wheel (these various hyper-fixations will be my death lol~) Been missing out on the community of ILY for too long, so it's nice to find chill people to talk plot with.

I totally agree that Kousuke can go both ways—the resentment route and also the forgiveness route. Or maybe even a combination of both that hopefully lead to at least peace (in the end) for him.

This is another thing that annoys me about a part of the fandom.

Not the people who might be triggered by him if they have survived similar abuse from someone like him in their life, but the judgmental folks that think Kousuke deserves to die or become severely injured and ruined for the rest of his life as payment for what he's done.

While I'm a believer that Nol doesn't have to forgive Kousuke or even reconcile with him in the future, Kousuke can still atone for those bad things. There are so many comments on WT especially full of horrible wishes for Kousuke's future.

Someone else I was talking to also made a good point I think a lot of other readers don’t consider, that Yui could very easily and effectively cut Kousuke off from everything.

This is actually such a good point because I've seen people dismiss it with: "But he went to school and is really smart! He doesn't need any help from his parents." And that may be the case, but Kousuke hasn't lived as anything but the reality of being heir to the Hirahara fortune.

That is all he has known.

As Nol pointed out, he is nothing without his name or family or the power afforded to him by his name. And it's not because he couldn't be someone without it, but he's never done it. He doesn't know what it's like to actually go to a job interview and be told "no, sorry, you're not a good fit." Because he knows, deep down, that he is where he is not entirely by his hard work.

He knows this.

And he admitted to Nol that he is afraid.

But there is an extra layer a lot of readers don't consider. It's not just being cut off from his rich, influential mother—but being sabotaged by her in any attempts at solo success.

Kousuke decides to become a pianist?

Yui can create rumors that ruin his reputation (and that's just a "light" example, I mean, she can go harder.)

Kousuke decides to pursue his culinary dreams?

Yui causes patrons to have food poisoning, bury him in law suits, and have his restaurant shut down.

His mother can take not just his privileges as a rich heir, but any other opportunity to forge his own path and name.

This is why the cast cannot catch a break until she is effectively and permanently rendered powerless.

Normal people can get disowned by their parents and still find a path for themselves. Their parents cannot influence their success, but Yui absolutely can.

She would sooner lock him away in a mental institution then let him become anything but exactly what she needs/wants him to be.

We've already seen that she doesn't care for him. He is just a means to an end. I would dare say that if the company ever went entirely to Kousuke and something went awry, she wouldn't hesitate to put him out and take his place until a "suitable replacement could be found" (which by then could be a grandson—making her desire for him to date and marry all the more understandable.)

Like, she's terrifying.

I think people don't really comprehend the magnitude of her reach.

Obviously not when they're still screaming at Rand about being a bad father to Kousuke as if we haven't been given sufficient proof that it wasn't as simple as choosing work over his family.

Don't get me wrong, we know Rand messed up, but like ????

Have we not seen Yui undermine him and his influence to further her own goals? What am I asking, of course they haven't realized, lol. These are usually the same people who believe Yui is only doing this out of spite for having a cheating husband!

Like, I hate the “that’s her husband’s illegitimate child you can’t expect her to love him” arguments whenever I see them, but especially so because it doesn’t matter! She is a grown woman using people - including her own son - as pawns, she has antagonized and traumatized someone’s child for her own satisfaction. 

This. So. Much.

I am so tired of the Yui apologists in this vein. We do not need to justify her actions in order to like her and think she's compelling.

We do not need to defend her.

I can live with people who argue that we do not know her backstory or how much of her own upbringing shaped who she is today. I can absolutely vibe with this because it's true.

We could probably have a long, long discussion on the concept of "are people born evil" or "do people become evil?" And there is also a lot of other factors to take in. Not necessarily mental health because I'm tired of things like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder being used as the reason why characters do unhinged things—it's so stigmatizing and damaging—but other conditions that allow people to live without remorse/empathy.

I have never seen Yui be sincere—actually, no wait, I'm lying.

I do think she was kind of sincere in that conversation with Shin Ae. I think, as you agreed, maybe in her mind, she is helping these girls.

That she is helping them prepare to succeed in a world where you're either the predator or the prey and it's better to be the former.

That was probably the once scene she has had where I saw the mask drop and something close to her truest self slip through.

I'm not saying she isn't selfish or that she doesn't stand to gain, but it was the most humane moment I saw her have and it's so interesting it was with Shin Ae. I don't know, but our girl just happens to stir all these characters, doesn't she?

I remember reading a chat for the "Lesbian Yui" theories where they claimed that Shin Ae might have reminded her of someone she had loved, maybe tried to build up to keep her by her side in the business because an open relationship wouldn't be allowed, by the mystery lady had pride and didn't accept, and ended up poorly. Not because Yui did anything, just life is harsh stuff. Especially to the poor.

Ideas that would be fun to explore in fanfic, for sure, lol.

Anyway, the point is—I get those who defend her on the basis of not yet knowing her upbringing and if anything there led her to this point. Or why she needs to go so far.

I think some people have hope that she has someone stronger pulling her strings and that she will do whatever it takes, horrible as it all is, to free herself from her puppetmaster.

We don't even know if her father is dead.

(And who was that blue-eyed old man in Japan who saw Kousuke for the interview? An uncle? Some other Hirahara?)

Omg, there are so many clues that Nol indeed minimizes himself. I'm probably sure it's because that's how he stays out of Yui's radar. Our poor boy was afraid of this woman up until she ruined his chance to go to Oxford. I think that's when he realized no matter what he did, she'd always try to hurt him.

All those years he had been downplaying, not trying hard, keeping in the shadows, and then he wants this one thing—and she still has to ruin it for him. And Nol tried, up until the trial, to reach to Kousuke.

Like, he was so defeated when he dialed his number, right?

Which reminds me of those vague lines of him saying "I need you" to Kousuke [?] before and being told it was a shame he (Kou) didn't need him at all? I should look for that again...

But I think Nol knew that if he wanted to take down Yui, he might have to go through Kousuke. That may be why he asked him those questions that morning—if there were other things he liked to do and what would happen is his position was taken?

I think he knew that if he went head to head against Yui, he would have to take Kousuke's things, and he didn't want to.

Maybe he would have been content to have a relationship with Kousuke, to have someone on his side. Maybe he thought that would've been enough. Just some quiet life, supporting his brother, helping each other undo the shackles bit by bit.

It's hard to say what Nol thought would happen if he and Kousuke had a good relationship and an alliance. Who knows what kind of dreams he had. We got a bit of it in ep 212. He thought they would have made a great team, sharing their pain, and fighting side by side.

It didn't happen that way.

And Kousuke might have manifested the very thing he feared: Nol taking everything from him (Yui.)

Our ginger boy is really an enigma sometimes.

So much of his motivations and thoughts are kept from us.

I just hope that whatever path he takes doesn't turn him into another Rand—bitter, hopeless, and completely unhappy... hurting everyone he loves along the way.

Replying to @trashlie and @hotdamncomics for their reblogs on this post under a cut so I can spare my friends the walls of text of a comic they're not reading lol.

Trashlie, friend, reblogger of theories and fellow Thursday night feels partner absorbing all the details... you bring up such great points.

But on the other, Yui has spent Kousuke’s entire life gaslighting and manipulating him; it’s only natural that it would be difficult for him to reconcile these two versions of her, and sometimes he’s unable to in the end. 

Every time Yui makes a move she says she does it with either his or their family's best interest in mind. Over and over. Kousuke has seen himself benefit time and time again from her unorthodox methods. And we know that he's not against life being unfair in his favor.

He has never had reasons to doubt that was her only motive, but he isn't a child anymore. He has seen and experienced things she has done that are worse than merely giving him an unfair advantage.

I'm actually curious about how Kousuke would respond if he realized his mother is trying to ruin and remove Rand from the picture.

This is why I so desperately want Rand to connect to Kousuke that evening. Even if Kousuke doesn't immediately believe him and thinks any mushy words mean Rand is disappointed in him (as he thought earlier that night when Hansuke took the call sneakily) the seed will have been planted.

Kousuke might see that he is been a pawn in a power struggle he's never signed up for. He didn't want to reach the top to ruin his father, but to meet him. He didn't want to reach the top to be to busy to spend time with his father, but rather if his father's burden were less, then maybe they would have time to spend together.

Yui's played a game that can backfire on her.

Because if Kousuke doesn't end up resenting Rand for his neglect, for having another family, then she can actually lose her pawn to him.

Especially if Kousuke uncovers that his mother sabotaged whatever closeness they could have had.

I really need Rand to be able to reach to at least one of his sons before the time skip. Even if it's just to plant a seed.

If Yui wanted to ensure that Nol never stood a chance against Kousuke, then damaging not only the way others see him but also the way he sees himself was a sure fire way to do it, wasn’t it?

Indeed, psychological manipulation in the hands of professionals with the intent to harm instead of helping is very dangerous.

And it makes me think back on the formal.

We know that Yui could not have predicted Nol's involvement or how things played out with him entirely, but she took the chance when it presented itself.

She knows damn well that Nol doesn't like her touching him, so she crept up on him deliberately to cause the rest of the events to unfold. She's so threatened by his existence that she'd risk her precious heir in order to cause another situation—a very public one—for Nol being unstable and malicious toward Kousuke, the heir.

After all, her son could have sustained far more serious injuries, but she didn't care. Yui was willing to risk it if it meant ensuring Nol had another mark against him.

She could always blame any lingering health issues after that accident on Nol purposefully hurting Kousuke.

Of course, the one who got hurt was Shin Ae, which she could still use against him to at least trigger him to go back to whatever state kept him down and defeated before.

Either way, she took a huge risk, which means she is actually very concerned about Nol's existence.

He is the one who truly gets under her skin, as we've seen.

[That lip quiver at the Christmas party was so satisfying...]

/ / / / /

Okay, so hotdamncomics, yes! I remember you from the kdrama life. Glad to see you have similar taste in comics. You bring up interesting points! I think the formal arc really helped us see the personalities, as well as "core" values (at that time) of the major characters.

Kousuke who didn't help Shin-ae when he tripped her at the formal is his real self, someone concerned foremost by how people see and perceive him than someone else's comfort or safety. He's not a nice and proper gentleman at core. That's a mask, one he put on when he invited Shin-ae to dance to prove a point that he was a gentleman. Even here he's failed to act in her interest regardless if he was genuine. He took priority. Let me fix my previous blunder by offering that poor girl a dance and not so much about proving he wasn't embarrassed of her.

He knew someone like her wouldn't know how to dance but he put her on the spotlight because repairing his image was more important than proving he wasn't ashamed of her. He could have chosen to play the piano with her by his side. It would still draw attention, still show her he's not ashamed of admitting he knows her, but would have placed her comfort ahead of his image.

This is actually a fantastic observation and you proposed a great alternative to inviting her to dance that would have conveyed the sentiment that he knows her and doesn't mind being seen with her without further embarrassing her by offering to partake in an activity he should have assumed she wasn't accustomed or knew how to do.

But, we see this again when Shin Ae's falls. Yes, he is the one closest to grab her when she falls over the railing, but once they hit the pool, he's first concerned with getting himself out and then remembers she's fallen too which is entirely different from Nol's eventual choice.

Nol comes up to air with Shin Ae.

And after the Christmas party arc we were aware that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts in that moment—he wanted to remain there, essentially drown, but seeing her pushed him to go back to his hell.

He didn't deserve the "peace of death."

It's not that I think there is something wrong with people who will prioritize themselves, but it does serve as a contrast between just how different Nol and Kousuke operate.

There have been so many hints that prove Kousuke isn't in fact that kind gentleman—that is part of the persona, of the expectation of a well-rounded heir and the type of man his father would admire.

Kousuke often slips out of that mask, particularly when stressed, to show who he is. A man who says more than he should under the veil of honesty, often hurting or insulting those around him.

"I don't mean to offend," is always said by those who will offend.

Yujing's actions feel too personal and led by revenge to be something shallow. Someone important must have urged her to try for a story that can ruin her career if she doesn't execute it perfectly and with no room for a counter defamation lawsuit.

I think this is actually quite right. We don't know what kind of "terrible situation" Rand helped her out of—but he had a hand in getting her to where she is. Someone who has tasted defeat or loss is protective of security and more prone to self-preservation.

She does have a strong ethic and she mentions she wants to restore faith in journalism by exposing the truth no matter how ugly. It'll be interesting to see what prompted her to take this risk to bring a very powerful woman like Yui down. Perhaps Yujing isn't meant to hit the knock out, but weaken her enough where the others on the board (if we go back to the chess theory) can act.