#shawnmendesbreakup

[spermendes]

DREAMS [SM: SONG ONE-SHOT]

Description: Y/N’s past affects her relationship with Shawn, to the point that he can’t deal with it anymore. He leaves for tour, but they still dream about one another.

SONG: Dreams - NF

N.E

Yeah, most of my life's full of sad days

Started at a young age

Yeah, bought a house but I've been livin' on stage

Tryna find the real me, I ain't found it yet

Wake up every morning feelin' like I'm guilty

Talk to God, "Can you hear me?"

Lately, I'm a mess

I don't want no one to help me

Yeah, I don't want no one to help me and

EVER SINCE the beginning, Y/N had known what pain felt like, whether it be mental or physical, she was most certain she’d felt it before. But really, what hurt the most, was the fact that the pain wasn’t accident, but it was her that was the accident. She wasn’t planned. She wasn’t supposed to be brought into this world. She was classified as a drunken mistake that happened to be created amongst all of it.

At about six years old, her father had left and come back more times than she could count, and then one day he just never came back. Her mother was diagnosed with depression, and had troubles looking after her for many years in her life. It had changed the two of them, they both so different to what they were before he left, despite Y/N being young.

Y/N lived in a quiet house, one full of sadness. There was no laughter, no smiles. It was just occupied by her mother and herself. Her mother turned to drinking regularly, and found herself in the hospital enough times that she couldn’t keep track anymore. Y/N looked after her mother more than her mother looked after her, and it took a toll on her.

She couldn’t deal with it after three years, so she decided to figure her life out. She was midst her way through elementary when it was found out that she had a higher intelligence than most people her age, which resulted in her moving up almost two year levels. She was the youngest in her class, and it was scary.

If you think I make decisions based off of what you think, then you're wrong

Can't nobody think for me, I got my own thoughts

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it's all gone, 'til it's all gone

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She was amongst kids almost two years older, and being smarter than them? That was a problem for some of those kids. They didn’t like that someone who was a year a half younger than them, was also smarter than them. It then resulted to her being bullied, until she went to a different high school to everyone she had known in primary school.

She graduated high school and decided she wanted to write poetry and study history. It was when she was in college, that things had started looking up. She was still being judged, but she knew it come with the territory. She’d made a few good friends, and that was when she met Shawn. Shawn, the musician major, the kid that slipped his way into her heart without her even realising until it was too late.

They’d started getting to know one another, until one day he asked her to be his girlfriend. That was the start of the best time in her life, she forgot about her past more and more with Shawn beside her because he was too busy making more memories to replace her old ones.

They’d dated all throughout college, even until Shawn had gotten a record deal for Island Records in New York City. He was over the moon about it, and Y/N supported him all throughout his rise to fame, while she wrote poems to the side of being a history tutor. Shawn absolutely loved her poems, to the point that he’d even recreated them into his own words to make them lyrics.

They were the strongest couple out there. They barely fought, and if they did, it was usually something major, but they came out stronger than ever. Shawn stuck by her side even throughtout the days she wasn’t feeling like herself, up until one day, he just snapped.

I–I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me

He couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore. It was putting pressure on his career, and he didn’t want to risk anything. Their relationship then ended, after four and a half years, just days before Shawn was supposed to be going on his second world tour. It shattered Y/N, as she now had nobody to get help from. Her mother abandoned her before she graduated high school, so she was stuck fending for herself, until a middle aged couple found her and took her in as their own.

She’d never been happier after being taken in by the couple. They treated her like family, and gave her everything she needed to be successful. They taught her most things she knew, but also taught her things she never would have learnt if they hadn’t of taken her in. She was grateful for the two of them, as she wouldn’t have gotten this far.

She’d been offered a job after college, to work for a newspaper who often added a page to writers for short stories or even poems. Y/N’s work had been added several times, which landed her a job at one the biggest publishing company’s in New York. She’d been so occupied that she didn’t even bother to check any of her social media, unless she was on there just to post her newest poem she’d made up.

Most of my life's full of regrets

Things I wanna take back, yeah

Wrote you a letter, wish that I had never sent that

Didn't even make sense, I don't even know

All I know is I get lower on the weekends

They tell me I should make friends, I just sit at home

Lately, I've been off the deep end, yeah

I've been off the deep end and

She never got distracted on social media. Shawn and herself hadn’t spoken in months, not since the break up, but she kind of glad. They’d ended on such bad terms that she wasn’t sure that she’d even speak to him again after what he’d said to her, if they ever ran into one another again.

She did miss him though, and all the memories that they made. She had never been happier than after she had been adopted. It was the best time in her life, and she’d finally grown more as a person. She was changing, and growing stronger every day without him.

But deep down inside of her, she still cared about him. She knew it wouldn’t be good to text or call him, so she decided to send him an old fashioned letter. But in the end, with the response she had gotten about not wanting to stay friends, deal with her problems, or even be friends with her.

If you think that I'm 'bout to change who I am just for you then you're so wrong

As I kid I built a house around my broke cars

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it falls apart, 'til it falls apart

If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life

Yeah, I had to think smart

Threw away the deck and got my own cards

Long before I had the money to afford a car

She’d suddenly gotten lower than she ever had been before, and her adoptive parents said it’d be best if she made some friends, and she tried, but she found herself in the bottom of a bottle like her mother. That was her worst fear, to turn out like her mother had. She hated the fact that she’d turned to drinking, and she wished she could change her decision.

She’d then found herself a friend that helped her through everything. She’d learnt of everything that had happened in Y/N’s life up until that moment, and she didn’t run or hide. She stayed by her side more than Shawn did. It scared her, opening up to someone again, after what Shawn had done.

Sometimes it’d scared her so much that she found herself dreaming of him and what they used to be before everything went to shit. Many nights she had spent waking up in tears, just wishing everything went to the way before Shawn and herself broke up, because he was one of the best things that had happened to her.

I've been doin' me (oh)

I've been doin' me

Yeah, I've been doin' me (I have been)

I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I've been doin' me (followin' my)

I've been doin' me

I've been doin' me (I've been followin' my)

Yeah, I've been doin' me

Followin' my dreams

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

Yeah, I'm just doin' me

She still continued to write her poems however, and she was still as passionate as she was five and a half years ago. Nothing in her career had changed, because of her traumatic past fuelled her to write more meaningful poems. Many turning back around to being about Shawn.

It showed. People figured it out, quite quickly too, which scared her. She hoped that Shawn hadn’t figured them out yet, because she didn’t want him to know that she still cared, despite everything that happened. She’d grown as a person, she’d sort of moved on, she’d got a new family, and she had a new friend. What more could she want?

Shawn. That’s what she wanted. That’s what she’d wanted since the moment they broke up. She’d never shed so many tears after their break up, crying for days on end, feeling herself become lower and lower, only for nobody to be by her side to help her cope with that.

Yeah, I'm reminiscin' back to both of us laughin'

Playin' old records thinkin' every one of 'em's classic

Windows down, we on the street up in Michigan rappin'

We talked about it, but never really knew it could happen

My confidence about as low as the gas is

We didn't have the money for it, so we'd turn the key backwards

And sit in parking lots for hours 'til the battery crashes

I think that we related 'cause both of us were lookin' for answers

A couple months ago I drove into Gladwin, got me all in my feelings

It's somethin' 'bout bein' somewhere that's familiar

Pull in the gas station, open up the tank then I fill it then laugh

Would I move back? Mm, not in a million, but I appreciate the memories that we had

I know you've been callin', sorry I never call back

I know I've been distant, you know I never meant that

You can tell the family how I'm doing if they ask

I'm just doin' me

Shawn was different though. He had so many people he could ask for help, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to admit that all of his problems were because of his ex-girlfriend, who had problems since the moment she was old enough to understand what was one. He didn’t want to tell anybody what his songs were about, because he just couldn’t.

He felt like it’d betray the trust he once had with Y/N, before he snapped and everything went down hill. She put so much trust in him that it physically hurt, because she was constantly a reminder of how much trust he could put into somebody.

He couldn’t do anything now. She was far to gone from her old self, that she wouldn’t even be able to help him with everything that went downhill for him. Everything went downhill after they broke up, but now, the only thing he could do was dream of what they used to be.