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mbti-notes · 5 years

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Do you have an opinion on the affects of social media on developing cognitive functions, specifically teenagers? I am asking with regard to navigating my son's adolescence. He is 16 and while the last few years have been more turbulent than previous years (with no doubt more to come) I think the road has been made substantially smoother as a direct result of me being able to access your blog, thank you. I don't feel inclined to limit his social media use, it's a part of life now, but it would be

[con’t: helpful to have some signs to look out for. I originally typed my son as Si dom with T preference and was trying to encourage his Te but now I’m thinking he’s more like INTP so I’ve changed my strategy to keep an open mind (and develop the patience of a saint LOL) and help him make the right decisions for himself. He has become more reckless and scattered lately with high value placed on acceptance from friends. Could this be Ne or does social media have a larger influence?]

I’m glad that you find the blog helpful and I admire your devotion to parenting. You raise a lot of interesting issues, though I may not be the best person to ask since I tend to have a negative opinion of social media. Parenting teenagers requires walking a very, very fine line between giving them enough guidance to avoid bad decision making vs giving them enough freedom to learn proper independence. It’s a very hard job. Sometimes, the only way to know that you’ve veered too far one way or the other is by making the mistake and then adjusting your approach - lots of trial and error. Every kid is an individual, so what works for one kid won’t necessarily work for another. Being able to adapt to their needs is the key point. It’s art more than science.

Everything has its positive and its negative side. Human beings tend to be short-sighted and easily rationalize bad decision making. When they really want to do something, they are much more likely to envision the benefits of doing it and this then blinds them to the costs. To be a good parent, I think it’s important to teach children how to recognize negative consequences and navigate them more intelligently (i.e. objective assessment of pros and cons that produces rational decision making). However, this is only possible if parents themselves are capable of it. You can’t expect kids to learn how to do something well without someone to teach them or model it for them. Unfortunately, I know plenty of adults of all ages who misuse social media just as badly as their kids. Kids learn predominantly through example, so you have to be the first one to follow the rules that you set. If you don’t follow any rules yourself, they won’t see the point in following any, either. For example, if all they see of you is your nose in your device, why would they put theirs down?

I don’t believe in banning kids from social media, but I do think it’s a good idea to be smart in limiting its usage. Social media shouldn’t be a substitute for real and meaningful human interaction, it shouldn’t take up so much time that important things get neglected, it shouldn’t interfere with maintaining good physical and mental health, and it shouldn’t be used as an escape. Teenagers become harder and harder to supervise as they get older because they increasingly have their own life going on. At a certain point, there’s no imposing rules on them because violating their autonomy only leads to rebellion.

A better strategy is to sit down with them to talk about the importance of using social media in HEALTHY ways, talk about why limits are necessary to avoid the negative/unhealthy aspects of it, and negotiate with them to come up with sensible limits that both of you can live with. If YOU also spend too much time on social media, then it’s even better to join them in adhering to those limits, to model the behavior that you expect from them and give them the feeling of being in it together. When you place limits on one aspect of life, it’s a good idea to expand yourself in other ways so as to minimize the feeling of “missing out”. For example, if you use social media for social connection, then compensate for limiting social media by making more effort to go out and join interesting social activities. Putting limits on fun means increasing boredom, so make sure that the boredom is addressed with a healthier option.

Social media is relatively new, so there isn’t a big enough body of research about its hidden effects or underlying costs. The few studies that have been done about social media mostly seem to suggest that misuse/overuse has very detrimental effects on psychological well-being. The spread of misinformation is a big problem (i.e. it makes people stupid). Cyber-bulling and violation of privacy are big problems. When you are so plugged in to other people’s lives, it’s hard not to engage in social comparison, and this often results in negative self-appraisals that diminish self-regard. This is particularly destructive for teenagers because they haven’t yet developed a very strong sense of self and are very likely to use other people’s judgment as a barometer of their own self-worth. Adolescence is usually the time that people start to grapple with level 2 ego development. It’s important for teenagers to learn how to socialize well and fit in with others, but it’s also important for them to learn the dangers of choosing the wrong socializing methods.

People at level 2 ego development are very prone to: experiencing shame/anxiety/depression via negative social comparisons, blindly following the ingroup (and rejecting the outgroup), and sacrificing self-care as they succumb to peer pressure. Helping them is not a matter of trying to stop them from doing these things, because you can’t, since doing these things is a natural part of that stage of development. What you can do is offer them guidance about self-care and help them think more critically about the best ways to handle peer pressure (i.e. give them options/strategies for working through real situations), in hopes that they’ll learn how to make better decisions. In the event that they make a bad decision, review the mistake with them. Reflect with them to figure out what went wrong and work with them to brainstorm ideas for how to avoid the same mistake in the future. Ask them what they could’ve done differently (this encourages N development). The PAIN of making mistakes is an efficient way to learn, which means that you shouldn’t be in there “helping” to the point that they don’t feel the pain of their mistakes.

Discipline is necessary for giving kids a sense of structure. To internalize a sense of structure is to possess a mental framework for making good decisions (usually requires developing the judging functions). At the very least, a child should have their parent’s way of critical thinking at hand whenever they aren’t able to solve a problem entirely on their own (i.e. “what would mom/dad advise me to do?”). Always be transparent, fair, and consistent in how you punish kids by explaining your decision, why it’s necessary, and what lesson it’s meant to teach them (e.g. self-care, intelligence, respect, patience, etc). This makes it more likely that they eventually internalize your moral lessons and learn to use them even when you’re not present. If you punish unfairly or disproportionately, if you’re a hypocrite, or if you’re inconsistent with punishments, you risk losing their respect, which, in their mind, means that they no longer have to listen to you.

Unfortunately, some kids don’t learn well the first time around and you have to discipline them to get the point across. You can develop a punishment scale that begins with a mild punishment for the first mistake and then increase the severity of the punishment for every instance of repeating the mistake. While I admire your patience, I’m sure you know that laissez faire parenting also has its problems. Overly permissive parents run the risk of losing their child’s respect because it’s easy to fall into the trap of devaluing your own needs whenever the child tests your rules and boundaries, and they will absolutely trample your boundaries if you give the impression of not having any. When you devalue your position of authority in the relationship, you encourage kids to do the same, and then you become a mere source of food or money and nothing else to them. This also enables them to be narcissistic in their approach to others.

I’m not sure how good you are at communicating, just in case it’s needed, I’ll continue on to say that I believe that one of the most important elements of parenting is establishing a strong sense of trust. If your kid trusts you, they’ll feel more confident about making independent decisions because they know that you’re there to help them should they need it, and sometimes it’s enough that you’re with them “spiritually” in their memory of lessons learned. The best way to build trust is to keep the lines of communications open. Good communication isn’t about trying to pry information or performing the role of judge jury and executioner. People, let alone teenagers, won’t want to communicate with you if they suspect that all you’re doing is judging them or just looking for an excuse to criticize them (and teens likely get enough of this from their peers).

Communication should come from the heart, use inquiry and sharing of feelings to show that you genuinely care about what’s going on with them. Good communication should work both ways: listen to each other carefully, be transparent about your motives, be honest about how you feel and what you need, negotiate compromises, and respect each other’s individual autonomy. You should model the kind of respect that you want them to give to you (I can’t count the number of times that I’ve seen parents trying to teach their kids to be more respectful… by shouting at them angrily). When they are out of line, remain calm, hear what they’re feeling (validation), then explain to them that you/people are more likely to take them seriously when they express their feelings maturely. Give them an example sentence of how to express feelings or requests respectfully.

Teenagers are emotional creatures, they live in the emotions of now and don’t respond well to appeals to the future. This can’t be helped because it’s part of adolescent brain development, so give them some leeway to get their feelings out, but use the chance to teach better communication methods. Sometimes it’s necessary to give them cooling off time before instigating a serious discussion. Recklessness is usually rooted in emotion. Some kids are reckless out of boredom, some out of anxiety, etc. Try to identify the underlying emotion that’s motivating the problem and then you’ll have a better chance of coming up with a good solution. For example, if boredom (or excess energy) is the motivation, then enroll them in productive activities to fill up their time. If anxiety is the motivation, then they need to learn better emotional management skills, perhaps get them a bit of light counseling on the topic from school or a local community organization.

An important part of establishing trust that is often overlooked is the notion of equality. A parent-child relationship is naturally unequal in power, but it doesn’t have to be excessively and unnecessarily unequal. There are a lot of different kinds of communication, since people communicate with different intents/purposes depending on the circumstances. More often than not, parents only talk to their kids in “parent mode” of ordering them around, interrogating them, or criticizing them. If this is the only mode that kids get to see from you, then they will view you as an authoritarian and their approach to you will be rooted in fear of punishment and the desire for escape. This makes it very difficult for them to trust you because you’ve taught them that your role is to supervise and discipline and nothing else, which means that everything they do will be as far away from your watchful warden eyes as possible.

There’s no avoiding “parent mode” as a parent. However, you can avoid making that the ONLY mode. A better strategy is to pick your battles wisely so that you use parent mode as sparingly as possible, especially with teenagers that are always pressing you for more freedom. But if you’re not using parent mode, then you have to know how to communicate with them in other modes, otherwise, communication tends to dry up quickly. To build trust, do more activities with them and spend more time talking to them in a way that establishes both of you as persons on equal footing. To be clear, I’m not talking about the cliche of being friends with your kids; I believe that you should maintain the position of parental authority until they reach adulthood. I’m talking about communicating heart-to-heart so that they get to know who you are outside of your parental role. Be more willing to share your feelings with them such that they feel encouraged to share theirs with you. Within reason, share with them what’s on your mind and let them in on what’s happening in your private world. You don’t want to let them in completely, however, because you still need to command enough respect to have some authority over them. Talk about problems you’ve encountered or struggled with and how you felt about them, but also talk about what you did to resolve them, which gives them good examples to learn from.

Rebellion is a natural reaction to feeling excessively restricted, and it’s natural for teenagers to feel restricted regardless of whether you are objectively restricting them, because their main preoccupation is independence. Children tend to project their psychological problems onto their parents, and you can make it harder for them to demonize you by humanizing yourself enough for them to empathize with your experience. By communicating in heart-to-heart mode more often than in listen-and-obey mode, they learn that the relationship between you matters in its quality of love and care, not just in whether they follow your rules. When you successfully establish a sense of mutual appreciation for each other, they learn to see you as a person with your own needs and desires, and then they’ll have less desire to rebel against you. If your kid understands that your “parent mode” is just one part of you but that the greater part of you is a fellow human, then their rebellion is likely to take a softer, more respectful form. As a result of trust and good communication, they are more likely to consider negotiating with you first before running off to do something dumb just to spite you. Let them know that you’re always open to calm and sensible negotiations/compromises because it gives them the sense of having some say in the matter. As you gradually “equalize” the relationship through heart-to-heart communication, it’s then easier to transition into an adulthood friendship with them in the future.

From the child’s perspective, I distinctly remember when my parents switched modes with me, perhaps you can recall your experience as well. My mother had a strict rule of never involving kids in adult affairs, ever. Both of my parents come from big families and they all grew up together in a small town (11 siblings between them), so there was always lots of drama going on behind the scenes, but my brother and I were completely oblivious to it growing up. My parents were quite stoic with us and we never really knew what they were thinking, so the relationships were often quite strained because communication was virtually non-existent.

You can imagine my shock when, one day, in my twenties, I was just minding my own business as usual and mom comes into the room and complains about this or that relative. She proceeds to tell me the entire 20+ year backstory of their horrible relationship. I thought she had gone mad for spilling all this shocking info to me out of the blue. Signs of early onset dementia already? But then I realized that this was a role change. I was no longer the kid who had to be kept in the dark. I was now a person who was worthy of being treated as a confidant and even someone smart enough to seek advice from. It was a bittersweet moment. Sweet because, starting in adolescence, people hanker to be treated as an adult by their parents. Bitter because she had decisively given up her authoritarian role and now I had absolutely no cause to keep rebelling against her, lol. The point is, she could’ve given up her authoritarian role more gradually by easing me into the role change in mid-to-late adolescence. We wasted many years being at odds with each other because she couldn’t recognize the ways that I had matured. And some parents aren’t flexible enough to ever make the switch.

In the end, you can only do your best. If I had to come up with a motto about parenting it would be that “Attention is love”. Just be attentive and respond to what’s important to them. Teens appreciate your care even when they don’t show it or claim to not want it, so long as you respect their emotional needs.

PS: There’s already a parenting title on the resources list about teenagers and social media that might be of help.

#parenting #social media #parent child relationship #ask

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soapybitch · 4 years

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How To Write a Sex Scene

Resonant

Summary:

Four tips for creating better sex scenes in erotic romance.

Notes:

I posted these tips in my LiveJournal in 2005. I'm not going to rewrite at all (aside from updating links where I can), so don't be surprised if sometimes I'm explaining things that don't need explaining after all this time. Like, uh, definining 'slash' in the first paragraph. It's historical or something.

Work Text:

I first published this series of essays on my LiveJournal in fall 2005. These suggestions were published in a slash community (what is slash? click here), so they reference, and in some cases quote, fanfiction involving romantic relationships between same-sex characters. The tips aren't genre-specific, though; I'd like to think that anyone who wants to write an erotic scene can learn something here.

Caveats:

1. Obviously, Rule 1 is to get great betas, train them to be very very picky, and train yourself to listen to them and not take it personally.

2. I'm not, strictly speaking, telling how to write a sex scene; I'm telling how to write a scene whose purpose is to be arousing. There are sex scenes that exist for other reasons -- to be comforting, for instance, or to demonstrate a lack of connection between two characters, or any number of other things. In pro-fic it's fairly common to read a sex scene that generates the same reader response as would a description of a stabbing -- it's not there to turn you on; it's there to give you a thrill of revulsion and fear.

But I'm talking about smut here. If you're writing another kind of scene, you may still find useful points here, but you'll have to take me with a very large grain of salt.

1. Make me yearn.

The lack of something to long for is absolutely the single most common problem I see in otherwise well-written sex scenes. And if I don't have anything to long for, then the scene is trivial, skimmable. It needn't even be there.

Beginning writers often preface a sex scene with a long conversation, in which the characters share all their hopes and fears, and reassure one another, and make declarations, and then go to bed.

This is a problem! Because if you do that, then that conversation is the climax of the story. Which means the sex is just an unimportant part of the resolution.

Much better to take them into sex with a few things still uncertain. Don't put their fears to rest before the sex; don't put their fears on hold until after the sex; put their fears to rest by means of the sex. That way it means something.

This can be tricky in long stories with multiple scenes, because there has to be something to yearn for in all of them, and it has to be different every time. It's pretty common to read a story where the first-time scene is fine, but all the subsequent sex scenes are either pointless or boring. Or else they fade to black after a few sentences -- this is an author who has an intuition that there's a problem.

Even in an established-relationship scene, though, or the fifth sex scene of a story, it is possible to have something left to yearn for. You just need some barrier to intimacy that remains to be crossed.

I don't mean "X has never bottomed." I mean "X is still trying to protect himself from getting his heart broken." Declarations and particular sex acts are only going to have meaning and significance if they're signals of emotional progress.

(Or lack thereof, of course; if I read your sex scene and yearn for a particular level of connection, and despair along with the characters when they fail to make it, that's a successful sex scene, though a depressing one. You just have to make me want something. There's no rule requiring you to give it to me.)

If you're going to write a long story with lots of sex, go back to your first time and make sure you leave emotional issues still to be resolved. Does he love him? Does he know it? Does he accept it? Is he confident that he's loved in return? Is he prepared to sacrifice something for that love, take some risks for it, do things he finds emotionally uncomfortable for it? Can he accept sex as an expression of love rather than an exploitation or a meaniingless exchange of pleasure?

Leave some "No" answers to be addressed in later scenes.

2. Pick one zing and stick to it.

When I read a first-time scene, there's a certain set of pleasures that I want from it. Disbelief, anticipation, the joy and fear of a relationship finally taking this big scary step into greater intimacy. I call that set of particular pleasures the first-time zing.

A bondage scene, too, has its own zing -- power/powerlessness, trust or fear, the increased sensitivity that comes with enforced passiveness.

Other kinds of scenes have their own zings. Maybe your scene is all about distance and longing, or about pure meaty muscular maleness, or about secrets. Maybe it's about this, this is the one, this person in particular, or maybe it's all about self-discovery and self-acceptance.

But you have to have one zing, because if you try to have two, then neither of them is going to be very effective.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have, say, bondage in your first-time scene or chocolate in your peanut butter, because obviously you can; I'm just saying that all the other elements have to serve the zing, not compete with it.

If you have both elements, and you decide the zing will be first-time, it will look something like this: "Oh, my god, I can't believe it, after all this time of watching and wanting I finally get to pin you down and take you ..." If you decide the zing is bondage, it will be more like this: "Since the moment I met you I've been dreaming of how you'd look like this, with the blindfold stark against your face and your skin reddening around the ropes ..."

Naturally I like some zings better than others, so if you want to grab me in particular, you'll stay away from power-dominance zings and incest zings and "X feels unattractive and can't believe gorgeous Y could possibly want him," and instead focus on sexual discovery, characters telling dangerous and complicated emotional truths, straitlaced characters suddenly letting loose and showing unexpected depths of wildness, love as the scariest risk ...

But, hey, it's your story. If your zing doesn't do anything for me, still odds are it will do something for someone. All I'm saying is, don't try to pack everything into a single scene. Find this scene's zing, and hone your focus on it.

By choosing one zing, you have to sacrifice a bit of the others. It's OK. There will be other sex scenes.

3. Make the sex fit the characters

(and not the other way around)

Some writers can stay in character for any scene but a sex scene. It's one of the most frustrating things in the world to be reading along, having a good time, following our guys as they do their thing and are entirely themselves, until suddenly they disappear and are replaced by two porn stars who superficially resemble them.

I'm guessing that some writers really just want that particular set of sexual behaviors more than they want to stay in character, and there's probably nothing I can say to them, because that actually is satisfying to them.

But I'm also guessing that there are other writers who want a certain erotic effect and don't know how to get it without going out of character.

Here's how to start: Don't think about what happens in the scene. Think about what payoff you want from it.

Now, there are two ways to do this. You can think about what one character feels, or you can think about what the other character does. For instance, maybe you say, "X goes all crazy and animalistic," or maybe you say, "Y feels like he's been pushed way beyond self-consciousness and can just let go." Or maybe you say, "X uses his mad sex skillz," or maybe you say, "Y feels utterly coddled and pampered and treated like a king."

Right. Get that spelled out in your brain. And then go, "OK, fine, then. How might, say, Rodney McKay go all crazy and animalistic?"

Now, there are obviously lots of right answers for that. Maybe he talks just as much as he talks the rest of the time, but it gets less coherent, or dirtier. Or maybe he stuns his lover by going entirely silent.

But what, you ask, is the difference between a silent Rodney McKay and a porn star who looks like Rodney McKay but can't be him because he's not talking? The difference is that if you've started out thinking, "How is Rodney in particular going to do this?" then even if your answer is, "Surprisingly, he's going to do it without words," you're going to take note of how unusual it is. John is going to take note of how unusual it is, and is going to find it strange, or frightening, or funny, or so hot he can't stand it.

And he's going to say, "Jesus, Rodney -- say something so I -- know it's you," and Rodney's going to put his mouth right against John's ear and say very quietly, "You know it's me," and I for one would have no complaints at all about a scene like that.

If you think of it that way, and it doesn't work for you, then try approaching it from the other side: How is John -- John in particular -- going to act if he's totally blown beyond self-consciousness and shame?

Again, lots of possible right answers. Maybe he doesn't change. Maybe he gets really clingy and needy. Maybe he starts babbling. I could be convinced of any of those, as long as the writer never forgot that this was John and nobody else.

You can have most hot things with most pairings, but some of them are going to take more work than others, and I suspect that some of them may be impossible. If your thing is seductive stripping, you may be out of luck if your pairing is Snape/Lupin or Rodney/Radek. If you're writing a teen Ray/Stella or Harry/Ron and your thing is smooth, confident dirty talk, you've got an uphill battle. (Though to see any of these done well would be fascinating.)

By the way, this problem also sometimes comes up in scenes where the payoff is not erotic but romantic. Suddenly my two canon characters go away and I'm left with two guys who are quoting John Donne to each other. And here again, unless you want the Donne more than you want to stay in character, the solution is to define the exact payoff you want (say, "A guy making a heartfelt emotional declaration") and then ask yourself, "OK, how does Rodney in particular make a heartfelt emotional declaration?"

Because he probably doesn't quote poetry, I can tell you that, at least not in a way that isn't utterly embarrassing for him and everyone else. He's probably not smooth and suave, not if it really means something to him. He will, in fact, probably babble something highly parenthetical and only partly comprehensible, and then go away, and it will only be hours later that John will suddenly go, "Oh, my god, I thought he was complaining about being on jumper pilot rotation but actually I think he just told me he's in love with me."

4. Choose your details carefully.

When I was in college, a student group showed a bunch of Swedish porn films from the seventies. (In fact, that was all the porn I'd ever seen until somebody on my flist uploaded her Patrick collection.) One of the movies began with a shot of a nipple that filled the entire movie screen. Not the aureole, mind you -- just the nipple. The pores were bigger than my head. It took me several minutes to figure out what it was.

I always think of that nipple when I'm tempted to put too much detail in my sex scenes.

Actually, of course, the problem isn't too many details. The problem is ill-chosen details. Brighid can write a sex scene four lines long that I'll be unpacking in my head for days; Paian can knock my eyes out of focus with a sex scene so in-depth that a single orgasm requires more than one paragraph.

All other things being equal, I personally prefer more detail, but only if it's the right detail.

Use too many details that have no significance, and one of two things will happen: I'll start skimming, or I'll start laughing because the whole thing sounds like Wild Kingdom: "The male retracts his nictating membrane; the female responds by opening her dilator ..." *

The right detail is one that does one of these things:

1. It supports the yearning you're trying to create in me.

For example, say you've got a hand. It sweeps down over a guy's chest, gets to his navel, hesitates for a moment, goes down until it brushes the boundary of his pubic hair, hesitates again, brushes very softly up his cock ...

Now, if you're writing a scene in an established relationship where I'm waiting for some verbal declaration, this is kind of irrelevant. Make it go on too long, and I'll start skimming.

But if you've set things up so that the owner of that hand is kind of freaked out about being in bed with a guy, and so far has allowed things to be done to him but hasn't done very much in return, and I'm wanting, hoping, longing to see him get over his inhibitions -- well, then, I'm going to want to see every centimeter those fingers cross.

2. It supports your zing.

For example, we all know about the inexplicable sensitivity of necks, collarbones, and ears. The kiss behind the ear, the resulting shiver -- in most sex scenes, these only get a passing mention.

But if your zing is sexual discovery -- if, say, you're writing Harry Potter's first make-out session -- then that detail becomes really sexy, because he doesn't already know about it.

3. It tells us something about the character and the relationship.

Benton Fraser's got a gunshot scar on his lower back. What Ray Kowalski does and feels when his fingers brush across that scar for the first time is likely to be significant. What Ray Vecchio does and feels in the same circumstances is likely to be even more significant.

4. We need to know about it to understand what happens next.

Usually, if you're not laying out every detail, you can still count on me to assume nudity, horizontalness, lubrication, without you necessarily telling me about them. On the other hand, if somebody's going to get smacked for putting his hand in the wrong place, I probably need to see the hand go down.

5. It really turns you on.

Hey, we're not writing essays on historical criticism here, we're writing porn. If it does something to you, there's a good chance it will do something to me, too.

If your detail doesn't do any of those things, it may still be fine, but if you're in doubt, try deleting it. You can use transitions to get over boring parts in a sex scene just as you would in any other scene. My favorite example is from Helenish's Sentinel story Seemingly Impermeable:

"Good," Blair said, tumbling off him, "good. Jim, my room, I can't carry you." and the next thing that was worth focusing on, after a blur of yanked off pants and Blair's frantic fumbling in his closet, was Blair, wetly kissing his left shoulderblade, rubbing a wet finger into his hole and whispering,

"Don't worry, I'm sure two fingers is enough, you have very big fingers."

* eyefuck!

#fav #pin #writing

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lesliepump · 7 years

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Podcast #147: Accessible Justice, with Haben Girma

In this episode, we talk with deaf-blind civil rights lawyer and accessibility advocate Haben Girma about accessible justice and how designing courts, law firms, and the attorney-client relationship for people with disabilities can increase access to justice for everyone.

Haben Girma

The first deaf-blind person to graduate from Harvard Law School, Haben Girma is a civil rights lawyer and she advocates for equal opportunities for people with disabilities. President Obama named her a White House Champion of Change, and Forbes recognized her in its 30 Under 30 list. Haben travels the world consulting and public speaking, teaching clients the benefits of fully accessible products and services. She is a talented storyteller who helps people frame difference as an asset.

You can follow Haben on Twitter and LinkedIn.

Thanks to Ruby Receptionists and Clio for sponsoring this episode!

Listen & Subscribe

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Transcript

Speaker 1: Welcome to The Lawyerist Podcast with Sam Glover and Aaron Street. Each week Lawyerist brings you advice and interviews to help you build a more successful law practice in today's challenging and constantly changing legal market. Now here are Sam and Aaron. Sam Glover: Hi, I'm Sam Glover. Aaron Street: I'm Aaron Street. This is episode 147 of The Lawyerist Podcast, part of the Legal Talk Network. Today we're talking with deaf/blind civil rights lawyer and accessibility advocate Haben Girma about accessible justice. Sam Glover: Today's podcast is sponsored by Ruby Receptionist and its smart, charming receptionists who are perfect for small firms. Visit Call Ruby dot com slash Lawyerist to get a risk-free trial with Ruby. Aaron Street: Today's podcast is also sponsored by Clio Legal Practice Management Software. Clio makes running your law firm easier. Try it today for free at Clio dot com. Sam, we had the privilege of seeing Haben keynote the Clio Cloud Conference in New Orleans this fall and instantly knew that we needed to have her on the podcast to talk more in-depth about some of these topics. We've talked a little bit in the past about accessibility as it relates to law firm websites and client experience and intake. I think it'd be worth spending a couple of minutes here before the interview refreshing how practices in accessibility can relate to better design overall for everyone. Sam Glover: Yeah. Haben and I talk a little bit about this. I think it's really worth emphasizing. Microsoft has a theory on this that they employ in their design. I think it's really aware of just the advantages that you can have by designing for people who are disabled. The theory is that people who are disabled have more challenges moving through the world day to day that they've already solved most of the problems that the rest of us have. In designing things for people who are disabled you're probably solving problems for everyone else too. That turns out to be true again and again and again. You're listening to this through the medium of a variety of devices that were all built with accessibility first in mind. Aaron Street: Absolutely, whether that's your iPhone with a whole set of accessibility features or on the website. Sam Glover: Phones, keyboards, microphones. All of that stuff was built for disabled people first. Aaron Street: We transcribe every episode of this podcast so there is an alternate text version of it. Those might help people with disabilities access the content in this podcast but the reality is regardless of whether you have a disability or not you might prefer the text transcript of this and it makes it easier for Google to know what's in this podcast so that if you're searching for this topic it makes it easier to find. Lots of ancillary benefits to pursuing things that are good for some people that make them good for lots of people. Sam Glover: I want to say this again and again. It is not that difficult. I know that it feels daunting because it feels like you're trying to put accessibility on things or you need to go out and reach out to a consultant who will make your stuff accessible. Really, it's just about the stuff you ought to be doing anyway. In hiring somebody to optimize your on-page SEO for your website you're probably also nailing 98%, 99% of the things that you need to do to make it accessible. It's stuff you ought to be doing anyway and it's not that hard. I think once you dig into it you'll find that it's a lot less difficult than you maybe worried it is. There's no reason to delay. Make it so. Aaron Street: Today's conversation with Haben is not an SEO conversation but it's fascinating how a conversation about how to make justice more accessible for people with disabilities can have SEO and marketing implications and ... Sam Glover: It's super neat. Aaron Street: It's a really cool topic. Sam Glover: Here's my conversation with Haben. Just at the beginning we're going to leave in the delay while Haben's translator types my questions for her to respond. I just want you to get a feel for the way the conversation flowed and then we'll start cutting out the typing so that it flows a little more quickly. Here's the conversation. Okay. Go ahead and introduce yourself. Haben Girma: My name is Haben Girma. I work as a disability rights lawyer, public speaker, and author. I teach organizations about the value of disability. Disability can be an asset to a community, an organization. It's a matter of learning about how to be accessible and what are the different things we can do as a community to make sure our websites, our apps, our facilities are welcoming to everyone. Sam Glover: Haben, thank you so much for being with us on the podcast today. Maybe we should start by talking about how we talked about disability. What are some of the words that we should be using when we need to distinguish between people who are disabled and people who aren't and just discussing disability in general? Haben Girma: The words I prefer using are disabled and non-disabled. A lot of people ... Well, some people are not comfortable using the word disability but I'm comfortable using the word disability. The word disability for me is associated with civil rights because of the Americans with Disabilities Act, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, and other civil rights protections that use the word disability. Maybe in this podcast we can use disability and non-disabled. Sam Glover: That sounds good. I'll do that. On your website you have a frequently asked questions that starts with some messages that we should avoid when talking about people who have disabilities. I want you to tell us a little bit more about those messages and why we should avoid them. Haben Girma: There's several messages to keep in mind. One message is that when we talk about disability we should avoid trying to judge people with disabilities as existing to help non-disabled people feel grateful that they don't have disabilities. Often stories in the press will describe people with disabilities as inspiring non-disabled people to stop complaining. Like, "You have no excuse. Disabled person did this. Therefore, non-disabled people should feel shame that they're not able to do this." That's not fair. That's disrespectful. It's still stigmatizing a group when you're using them to shame another group. I don't want disability to be used to inspire shame in anyone. The interesting thing about the disability community it's the largest minority group and it's a group that anyone can join at any time. Our bodies are always changing. As we grow older change is a natural part of growing older. At every stage in our life we deserve dignity, inclusion, and access to everything. It's really, really important to respect those of us who are different. Rather than categorizing us as an other and stigmatizing we should instead be welcoming to everyone because it's not really us versus them. We're all going to change. We're all going to be different at some point. Sam Glover: It sounds like part of the danger is in thinking that disability is something unlucky that happens to just a few people when really you could almost look at it as a spectrum that we all sit somewhere on it. Haben Girma: Exactly. There are actually a lot of people with disability. In the United States there are about 57 million Americans with disabilities. Throughout the world there are about 1.3 billion people with disabilities. That's a significant population. When companies choose to be inclusive they get to tap into this large market. It's good business to be inclusive because you get more customers, a larger audience. That means more business, more revenue in the long run. Sam Glover: When we talk about people with disabilities we're talking about I think roughly a fifth of the population, which is a huge chunk. Haben Girma: Exactly. We may also be talking about our future selves. Sam Glover: I think, though, a lot of people who don't think of themselves as having disabilities or who don't fall into that don't really understand how to empathize with the problems faced by people with disabilities in just moving around the world. Maybe you could tell us a little about your journey to becoming a lawyer so that we understand how that has played out in the law school and law experience that you've had. Haben Girma: I am deaf/blind. Most of this world is not designed to be accessible for people who are deaf/blind. I faced many barriers. My disability is not a problem. The problem is the way the world is designed. People can choose to provide information in multiple formats or they can choose to provide information only in one format. People can choose to design a building to have ramps and elevators so that people who use wheelchairs have access or they could choose to only have stairs and deny access to people who use wheelchairs. When there are barriers it's not the disability that's the problem. The problem is the design and the choices that people make. Sam Glover: I really like that way of thinking about it. Thanks for that clarification. The world is a design problem and we've only designed it for some of the population. Haben Girma: Exactly. Most schools are not accessible. I was very, very lucky. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area, which happens to be the heart of the disability rights movement. The city of Berkeley was one of the first cities to have curb cuts so that wheelchair users can independently move from sidewalk to sidewalk and cross streets and travel around a city. A lot of disability rights access changes have been first in the San Francisco Bay Area. I grew up here so I've benefited from many of these changes and I've benefited from having teachers and going to schools that valued inclusion. I had people telling me, "Yes, you can." I had people getting me all the materials I need in accessible formats. I had access to school. I was able to learn math, science, English. If I had grown up two hours outside the Bay Area in other parts of California or in a different state in the United States I probably would not have been able to get an education and go to college and definitely not go to law school. I know other deaf/blind students in California who missed part of elementary and middle school because the school refused to provide real materials or they refused to provide interpreters. The parents and students spent all their energy trying to advocate for access when they could have been learning. There's still so much unfairness here in the United States and limited access to materials. We need to change that. We need to make sure everyone has access to an education. Sam Glover: One of the things that you've talked about before is just pointing out how many innovations that we all use came to us by way of designing for disability. What are some of your favorites? Haben Girma: A lot of the technologies we use have been designed or inspired by people with disabilities. These stories are hidden. Very few people know about them. I think it would be beneficial to get these stories out there and have more people learn about the stories. One example is Vint Cerf, one of the fathers of the internet, is hearing impaired. Before the internet existed as we know it today, deaf people didn't have an easy way to communicate long distance. Vint Cerf found that by sending electronic messages, electronic mail, he could communicate long distance with people without having to strain to hear on the telephone. This benefits everyone. Email benefits everyone. Lots of people use email now. That's an example of how something that helps the disability community, a solution inspired by disability, often has benefits for the whole world. Sam Glover: I think when Vint Cerf was using the internet over the phone lines the phone lines were also designed by Alexander Graham Bell to overcome either his hard of hearing or his wife's difficulty in hearing, wasn't it? Haben Girma: Yes. Alexander Graham Bell did a lot of research to try to find ways to help deaf individuals communicate. Through that process he ended up developing a telephone. That's another example of how when you see disability as a design challenge and design solutions, often these solutions benefit the entire community. Investing in hiring people with disabilities and making your businesses accessible drives innovation. You're more likely to have a more innovative workforce if you include people with disabilities. People who think differently are more likely to come up with innovative solutions. Diverse teams are stronger teams. Sam Glover: You've mentioned before that ... Maybe this is just what you're getting at but in designing things for people who have disabilities you're probably solving problems for the world at large by doing that. By designing your firm or your business around accessible principles you're probably building a more client-friendly firm for everyone. Haben Girma: Exactly. Wouldn't everyone want more clients? Wouldn't you want to be able to tap into the largest market possible? Another thing to keep in mind is that the Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits discrimination against people with disabilities. There are also other laws, state laws, and federal laws that prohibit discrimination against people with disabilities. Access is a right. It's really important for everyone to invest in inclusion. Sam Glover: As a civil rights lawyer I imagine you have a much clearer window into some of the ways that access to justice is harder for people with disabilities. What are some of those challenges that those of us who aren't dealing with disabilities on a day to day basis may not be aware of? Haben Girma: Some of the barriers that exist in terms of access to justice are physical. Court houses, reading spaces that are not wheelchair accessible. Designing access to people who use wheelchairs. That could be lawyers who use wheelchairs, it could be judges who use wheelchairs, it could be clients who use wheelchairs. There is a lot of information online regarding legal services. Often information online is not accessible. The vast majority of websites and apps have access barriers. We need people in the legal field to ensure that their websites and digital information is provided in accessible formats. The web content accessibility guidelines teaches people how to design websites to be accessible. For mobile apps, Apple and Android accessibility guidelines teach people how to design them to be accessible. Sam Glover: Haben, have you had a chance to visit Lawyerist dot com? I'm wondering how well we've done. Haben Girma: No. I haven't had a chance to visit it yet. Sam Glover: We have tried to design it around those accessibility principles. It's not really that hard. It turns out that a lot of those things that you would do to build an accessible website are the kinds of things that Google would like you to do to optimize for search engines. It turns out Google is also deaf and blind. Haben Girma: That's a good point. When people make their services accessible it increases content discoverability. Accessibility, some of the things that are necessary to do to make sure services are accessible online is to make sure you have text labels or images for buttons and when you increase the text associated with your content you also help with search engine optimization. Those are things to keep in mind. Access benefits you in multiple ways. Sam Glover: One of the things you mentioned when I heard you speak at the Clio Cloud Conference is that you have to be aware of trying to put accessibility on your app or your website or your building at the end. Can you say a little bit more about why that's a problem to try and add accessibility? Haben Girma: It's much harder to try to add accessibility at the end of the design process. It's much easier to plan for it from the start. An example we often use is to compare it to building a skyscraper. To ensure wheelchair access a skyscraper needs an elevator. It's much harder to build the skyscraper without an elevator. Then once you're done building the skyscraper to add an elevator afterwards. That's more costly, time-consuming, it takes more resources. It would be easier and cheaper to design the skyscraper to have an elevator. Put it in the plans. Same thing with digital accessibility. If you plan for it from the start it's easier to do. Sam Glover: It sounds to me like accessibility needs to be part of the lens through which you see the world and see the design problems in your client service delivery methods? Haben Girma: Yeah. Accessibility needs to be prioritized. Make sure your websites are accessible, have your designers look at the web content accessibility guidelines, and design the website based on those principles. It also helps with search engine optimization. Also, keep in mind that there have been a lot of lawsuits these past few years regarding digital accessibility. I worked on one of those cases. It was a case called [inaudible 00: 19: 49] of the Blind versus Script. Script is a digital library. Blind individuals wanted to be able to read books in the library. The way the library was designed created barriers for blind readers and blind readers couldn't read books on Script. Script tried to argue that the Americans with Disabilities Act doesn't apply to online businesses. The judge in that case looked at our arguments and agreed with us and said that the Americans with Disabilities Act does apply to online businesses like Script. Script and other online businesses need to adhere to the Americans with Disabilities Act. That was an exciting, rewarding case to be involved with. It's something that a lot of organizations need to keep in mind. Sam Glover: A bit of a stick and a bit of a carrot. Haben Girma: Sam, can we take a few minutes break? My dog is crying. Sam Glover: Yes. Of course. This podcast is supported by Ruby Receptionists. As a matter of fact, Ruby answers our phones at Lawyerist and my firm was a paying Ruby customer before that. Here's what I love about Ruby. When I'm in the middle of something I hate to be interrupted. When the phone rings it annoys me and that often carries over into the conversation I have after I pick up the phone, which is why I'm better off not answering my own phone. Instead Ruby answers the phone and if the person on the other end asks for me a friendly, cheerful receptionist from Ruby calls me and asks if I want them to put the call through. It's a buffer that gives me a minute to let go of my annoyance and be a better human being during the call. If you want to be a better human being on the phone give Ruby a try. Go to Call Ruby dot com slash Lawyerist to sign up and Ruby will waive the $95 setup fee. If you aren't happy with Ruby for any reason you can get your money back during the first three weeks. I'm pretty sure you'll stick around but since there is no risk you might as well try. Aaron Street: Imagine what you could do with an extra eight hours per week. You could invest in marketing your firm, you could spend more time helping clients in need, or you could catch your daughter's soccer game. That's how much time legal professionals save with Clio, the world's leading practice management software. With Clio tracking time, billing and matter management are fast and easy. Giving you more time to focus on what really matters. Clio is a complete practice management platform with plenty of tools and over 50 integrations to help you automate daily tasks such as document generation and court calendering. See how the right software can make it easier to manage your practice. Try Clio for free today at Clio dot com. Haben Girma: Sorry about that, Sam. Thank you for your patience. Sam Glover: Oh, of course. My dog is currently enjoying our freezing cold weather here in Minneapolis. Haben Girma: Wow. My dog ... When I lived in Boston we had to deal with snow. She hated snow. She would refuse to go to the bathroom when it started snowing because she didn't like snow on the ground. Sam Glover: My dog is a husky so my challenge is getting him to even come inside. Haben Girma: Oh. Husky, those are beautiful. Sam Glover: He is very fuzzy. Haben Girma: Did you grow up in Minnesota? Sam Glover: I didn't. I grew up in Virginia, Panama, and the Dominican Republic. Haben Girma: Wow. That's a fun and exciting childhood. Sam Glover: It sure was. Haben Girma: Did you go surfing in the DR? Sam Glover: I was in second and third grade so I don't think I got past a boogie board level. It was very cool. It's one of my favorite places in the world. Haben Girma: Yeah. I went there for a wedding. It was amazing. The staff were super friendly. Often times when I go into a restaurant here in the United States the staff stare but they don't really ask questions. In the Dominican Republic I remember when I was in restaurants waiters would come up and ask, "What is this? What are you doing?" Not in a mean way. Just in a friendly, curious way. I just explained that it's a keyboard and braille display. People type on the keyboard, I read in digital braille. I let them try it. They typed in Spanish and I know basic Spanish. I studied Spanish in high school and college. [Foreign language 00: 24: 20] I was able to read that and respond back. Sam Glover: Very cool. It seems like one of the challenges is people who don't want to engage because they're shy or uncomfortable asking questions or approaching you. Haben Girma: Yeah. I love questions. There's nothing wrong with asking questions. I don't mind if people ask me questions about disability. The thing to keep in mind is your intentions. It's more about attitude. If someone uses the wrong word I'm not going to get offended. If they have a pity and disrespectful attitude I'm not going to be happy. It's more about their intentions, how they approach a situation. Is it friendly, respectful curiosity? Or is it pitying questioning, implying that you don't belong and to leave their establishment? It's really about their intentions and attitude. When people come up and ask questions I'm happy to explain. Deaf/blindness is rare. I don't expect people to know about deaf/blindness. My parents didn't understand deaf/blindness. They hadn't heard of Helen Keller or braille. My parents are from Eritrea, Ethiopia, so they were learning a whole new system: the American culture, our system here, and improving their English in addition to learning about disability access, braille, the civil rights movement, that sort of thing. I'm used to people not knowing. I don't mind teaching and explaining as long as people are respectful and kind when they ask. Sam Glover: It sounds like a lot of the solution to inclusion and to increasing accessibility is to include. At the beginning of every process, whether it's creating a business or a building or meeting a new person, to favor inclusion rather than getting to it later. Haben Girma: Yeah. Plan for it from the start. Make it a priority. Before you build something, whether it's a new building, a website, an app, a program take the time to plan about accessibility. How can you make sure everyone in your community is welcome? If you're not sure, do the research. Look at the web content accessibility guidelines, engage with the disability community. There may be disability organizations in your area. If not, you could tap into national networks. You could contact disability rights experts, like myself. You can reach me. I have a website Haben Girma dot com. I'm also on social media, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. People can find and follow me there. Reach out to people if you don't know the answers. Definitely start asking questions with the intention of trying to welcome everyone. Sam Glover: I think what people will find as they try to open up their practices, their websites, the court system, is that it's actually not as hard as it seems like it might be once you get started. Haben Girma: Exactly. It's really not as hard as it seems. Often times disability access needs are free, simple, easy. The vast majority of people with disabilities can explain what they need. If you ask, people can help point you in the right direction of what you need to do. Sometimes it's being flexible. Maybe moving a meeting place from an inaccessible spot to an accessible spot. Maybe it's just moving furniture a little bit to create more room. Maybe it's bringing in an interpreter. Maybe it's switching from telephone to email or using a chat service that provides access. Just being flexible about how you communicate, where you communicate, will allow you to connect with more people. Sam Glover: That sounds awesome. I hope that lawyers who are listening are starting to think about ways that they can bring that fifth of the country who is disabled in and help them find legal services and make them clients. Haben Girma: I strongly encourage everyone to think of this as a business opportunity. It's not charity. It's good business for all of us to be inclusive because you get to tap into a larger market. Sam just said it's one-fifth of the population. 57 million Americans with disabilities. That's a significant market. It benefits all of us to be inclusive. Sam Glover: Haben, thank you so much for being with us today. I really enjoyed our conversation. Haben Girma: Thank you for spotlighting inclusion, Sam, and creating the opportunity to teach more people about disability access. Aaron Street: Make sure to catch next week's episode of The Lawyerist Podcast by subscribing to the show in your favorite podcast app. Please leave a rating to help other people find our show. You can find the notes for today's episode on Lawyerist dot com slash Podcast. Sam Glover: The views expressed by the participants are their own and are not endorsed by Legal Talk Network. Nothing said in this podcast is legal advice for you.

This transcript was prepared by Rev.com.

Podcast #147: Accessible Justice, with Haben Girma was originally published on Lawyerist.com.

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