#also i don’t HATE it but like. i have expressed the rage it has brought me in its run

[sapphosclown]

for someone who has hated hsmtmts for a long time i sure did sob through the entire last episode

[starryjuicebox]

Beloved (7) - Coward

Summary: The beginnings of a much-needed conversation.

Pairing: Ascended!Astarion x Tav

Word Count: 638 words

Masterlist | Ao3 Link | Next Chapter

Nightal 1492

My eyes are red, my skin is cold, and my heart no longer beats. These fangs feel foreign in my mouth. I have become an abomination - a disgrace to the Oak Father himself. Surely, I can no longer call myself Faithwarden. I could have refused Astarion’s offer, and left our love a sweet, happy memory. Indeed, I could have. But…I was also the one who helped turn him into what he has become. By doing this, turning my lover into a monster, I surely have given up all rights to return to my kingdom. I can only hope Mother, Father, and Aelia will forgive me in time. I simply can’t bear to kill nor leave him; he, who wears the face of the man I once loved so much. 

…I still hear seven thousand screams in my trance every night. I can barely meet Karlach’s eyes. Her genuine concern for me cuts the deepest. 

And Astarion, my Starry, what have we become? 

Stella Lunaris

“Free?” Astarion scoffed. “We have been together for three hundred years, and he wants you to be ‘free’?”

Ruby pools sparkled with unshed tears as his consort shook like a leaf, before raising her voice at him for the first time in three centuries. “Yes, he wanted me to be free! Do you? Can you?” 

Rage bubbled up from deep down inside him, thick and suffocating. How dare she?! Freedom? What freedom could she possibly yearn for? He would give her almost anything she wanted, if she would just ask. He clenched his jaw. “I give you wealth, power, pleasure - every decadence that can be afforded to a person? But you’d rather - what - sleep in the dirt again?” 

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew the rite had changed their relationship. The expression of sheer horror and then despair that had crossed her features as he took what was rightfully his pushed its way into Astarion’s mind. 

In all of the years they had been together, she had never even once brought up leaving his side. He couldn’t even remember seeing her change form. Astarion shot a glare towards the window. That damned Archdruid would pay for planting such a ludicrous idea in his wife’s head. Freedom. What a joke. 

Stella just shook her head. “I don’t need wealth, power, or pleasure. I just wanted you. For these past few centuries, I’ve always just wanted you. Part of me kept hoping that perhaps you would come back to me. The other part knew it was my fault you couldn’t.”

Astarion froze. “What do you mean? Do we not spend nearly every night together? I am always with you, aside from when I must attend to business matters.” 

They both knew that wasn’t what she meant.

Falling to her knees before him, she clutched her chest. His confusion gave way to panic, and the Ascendant immediately reached out to help her up. Was his precious treasure injured anywhere? 

She ignored his hand.

“I’m sorry I did this to you. To us.” Her voice came out brokenly. 

He opened his mouth to argue, but she continued without giving him a chance to intercede. “All those years ago, I begged you to reconsider. My pleas fell on deaf ears. I could have refused to help, tried to interrupt the ritual, or…hells, even sided with the Gur afterwards. I had so many options to prevent things from coming to this.”

She shuddered for a moment, before carrying on. “But how could I? You have everything you ever wanted. Your eternal hunger is gone. The sun cannot harm you, crossing rivers and thresholds are but child’s play. I may hate what you have become, but I can’t even bring myself to leave." 

Her unshed tears finally spilled over. “Somehow, I still love you. I’m a coward, aren’t I?”

[sunfish999]

The nitty gritty is watering down katara's character so she's just a meek girl ? Your lying If you really think that's the same character. The producers said they would take an axe to the main characters and that's where the show really suffers...also nothing is perfect people like you is why we get stuck with mediocrity

?? I finished episode 5 but what😭 how is katara just a meek girl, i feel like yes she has a little less rage but other than that she shows that shes smart and powerful and her own person? Explain what is watered down i feel like animation usually over-exaggerates facial expressions and voices for the most part, so i’m not surprised that katara has more subtle strength so far, and also the actress has a very kind face, but i think shes still able to show some of that anger. (I havent watched the water master fight yet so maybe thats where you’re talking about, so i cant speak on that)

Idk what taking an axe to the main characters means (like really cutting them apart? Cuz i doubt they would promote a show by saying its gonna be bad but who knows). But i feel like the characters are all pretty accurate with how they carry themselves, of course they’re younger so acting wont be perfect but i think the imperfections are what brings them to life. I know a lot of people hate the writing, i feel like it’s quite similar to the show? (Though its been maybe 3-4 years since i last rewatched it) and some lines especially from something previously animated are gonna sound awkward in real life, which is why generally i believe live actions arent necessary for any animation, though in this case i’m really enjoying just rewatching atla and my childhood be brought to life.

Nothing is perfect: ok i was using perfect mostly because i was very excited about it, of course i know theres things that could be changed to improve it but a lot of those things are impossible (like you cant get an actress thats EXACTLY katara and will make everyone happy, because shes a drawing) but overall, i think the landscapes come close to perfect (i’m just really into fantasy scenes and i think it’s so beautiful and impressive to see things like the omashu supply rail and the air temple come to life. And zuko’s boat looks so awesome and so accurate too.) And i thought the cgi looked slightly silly at first (especially air) but then i realized that we were always seeing drawings of aangs air in the animation which would look even stupider irl so i made my peace pretty quickly.

People like me is why we get stuck with mediocrity… hm. I feel like my opinion probably has nothing to do with what comes out on tv, especially because in this society haters have the real power, and you guys tearing it down are more likely to get it cancelled. I don’t think any production team takes an animated film or show and thinks ‘yea im gonna make this absolutely awful,’ (though i’m really not sure what they were thinking when making the pjo movie, its good as a standalone but they went so off course from the plot…) of course they’re all just trying to fit what they think into the show and express their own opinions, which are ultimately going to be a lot different than some people watching it.

Overall, ok i haven’t watched the og in years, so my memory on comparing each episode of the show to the live action is not going to be at the level of others (which i think boosts the enjoyability 100x over). But as i watch it, i remember tons of parts of the animation, and it makes me super happy that it has the same air as the show, albeit slightly more serious because they can’t fit all the funny filler episodes (if they ever created a live action lost appa episode i would lose it that cannot happen).

Maybe i sounded rude in my original post (i changed it quickly bc it was very angry at first lol) so sorry i know you’re all entitled to your opinion, it’s just i was SO EXCITED and then checked the tag on tumblr only to see that everyone hated it… i always feel inferior to people who really like films etc because i tend to enjoy things that other people hate, (like i really enjoyed the avatar way of water movie even if it was super long, and i know people DESPISED it). So maybe i seem like someone who is satisfied with mediocrity, and maybe i am, i focus mostly on the backgrounds and beauty of movies because im really into art and much less on acting and script (though i can appreciate beautiful characters, i was Blown Away by live action suki and hair down sokka my jaw dropped fr) i agree i am fairly simple to please in terms of this type of thing.

SORRY THIS IS GETTING QUITE LONG IM SURE U WONT READ IT ALL but i hope ur finding joy in life since live action atla is obviously not doing it for u

[therealvikingstrash]

Entry for Day 7 of @vikingsevents vernal equinox event. Have a little Ragnarssons being small cuteness that came to me without asking, lol. It's kinda centered around Ivar, which is a double surprise. Aslaug POV, which isn't a surprise at all. (1k fic below the cut)

-

The weather was ideal for them to go on a hunt for easter eggs and Aslaug had made it harder for her over-eager boys. She knew Hvitserk and Ubbe were quick to find all the nests she hid away and so she made the rule that they could only take those with their names on it and have to leave those that don’t. She was sitting on the porch, a tea in hand as she watched them spread out in their yard. Hvitserk was already stomping around in frustration, because he’d found Ivar’s and Sigurd’s nests, but not his own. Ubbe had sat down near a tree instead of looking for his nest and Aslaug was inclined to ask, but with him it was most likely to keep the pressure off his brothers. Last year Ivar had had a fit when he couldn’t find a single egg, so much so that in his rage he managed to topple over in his wheelchair. Neither Aslaug nor Ubbe were allowed to get near to help though. 

She was positive that Hvitserk and Ubbe finding the hidden eggs after five minutes didn’t help the cause. Even Sigurd had managed to swallow his jokes when he saw the fury in his brother’s eyes. 

Her youngest had refused to use his wheelchair this time though and was crawling around in the grass, possibly staining his jeans a bright green where they brushed over the ground. Ivar was also very close to the forest that started exactly where their yard ended. And also as far away as possible from any easter treat Aslaug had planted. She took a sip of her tea and continued watching what would unfold. 

“Mister bunny!” Ivar called out all of a sudden, halting his brother’s in their search. “He’s here!” he was pointing towards the forest and Aslaug frowned, before getting up. She did not want him to crawl around the underbrush of the forest. She’d already been against him doing that in their yard, but there was no way of arguing with an Ivar who had an opinion. Even though she swore herself not to intervene, this did the trick to cause her to walk over. 

“It’s easter bunny!” Hvitserk corrected him. “And you didn’t see him.” he added, his skinny arms folded and a scowl on his cute little face. There was a reason why Hvitserk didn’t believe Ivar and Aslaug knew that it had a lot to do with Ubbe telling his brother that the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. And neither was Santa. Thankfully it didn’t stop Hvitserk from loving the presents and treats and he kept his mouth shut about it towards Sigurd and Ivar.

Although, Aslaug was sure he was holding that revelation back until the very moment one of them pissed him off. He’d done it before with a secret not meant for little ears and Aslaug couldn’t tell if he picked that trait up from her or Ragnar. Or possibly Ubbe. 

“Yes, it was!” Ivar argues, already red in the face. “It’s mister bunny,” he said with confidence and Aslaug had to smile. Ivar did not like to be corrected and he seemed to have a special hatred for Hvitserk correcting him, though Aslaug hadn’t found out why yet. He was fine when Ubbe did it. “He will show me…” Aslaug barely caught that part before she saw Ubbe stand up to follow his little brother who was already disappearing into the forest. 

“Ivar!” she called out, halting him in his movements. “The easter bunny did not hide your nest in the forest, come back here!” Her quick stride brought her to the end of the yard where her boys had started to huddle. “Now.” Aslaug insisted, leaving no room for discussions. 

When Ivar emerged from the higher grass, he sported a pout so big he deserved a place in the book of world records for that expression. Ubbe wasn't far behind him. “But I saw him, mom!” Ivar insisted, “Mister bunny has my nest!” he whined so pitiful Aslaug had to resist picking him up. She knew he hated coddling, but sometimes she couldn't help herself. “Believe me.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Aslaug replied. “I saw him this morning, hiding all your nests.” When she dared to look Hvitserk’s way, the eyebrow raise caught her a bit off-guard. At this moment he looked surprisingly like his father. “Come with me, you’ll find yours closer to the house.” 

The boys continued their search, this time even Ubbe acted like he was genuinely looking as Ivar followed her back. “You don’t believe me…” she heard her youngest say, a sadness in his voice that tore at her heartstrings. 

“I do believe you saw a hare,” Aslaug replied. “But the easter bunny wears a bow around its neck,” she lied. “Did yours have a bow on its neck?” Aslaug wanted to know, looking down at her son who had started poking through the flowers. Still nowhere near the place she stashed his nest. And here she’d thought she made it easy for him…

Ivar shook his head, the pout back on his face. “HAH!” she heard Hvitserk exclaim and knew he finally got the nest that was meant for him. A quick look back and she saw how Ubbe avoided looking at her as he rubbed his neck. She was positive he helped him somehow, but being distracted meant she couldn’t prove it. 

“Why don’t you look over there?” Aslaug suggested, pointing in the direction where she hid Ivar’s easter eggs. “I think I saw him near the lavender.” With a look of concentration, Ivar crawled towards the huge bush of flowers. With her help he managed to find his nest before Sigurd found his own and Aslaug knew that meant a lot less screaming in the afternoon. 

When she sat back in her chair, her boys busy picking through their chocolate eggs and small gifts she placed in those nests, she watched how Sigurd and Ivar compared theirs to make sure neither one was favored. On the other end of the brother spectrum she saw Ubbe and Hvitserk exchange treats they liked best and wondered why she even bothered giving those two their own. 

A heavy sigh escaped her and she turned her gaze towards the forest, only to notice the hare Ivar must’ve spotted earlier. “Well, hello there, mister bunny.” she said quietly and more to herself than anyone else. 

-

In danish Easter Bunny is called Påskehare and Mister would be Herre. So Ivar basically named him Herrehare.

[fairy25]

Therapist anon

Thank you so much for the advice and listening! I appreciate it. Decided to have one more session I already have a therapist who has done trauma work herself that I connect with better. (I was going to collaborate with both but that was honestly me being codependent.)

She never overtly said I needed to be a wife and mother to her happy, but it was just so odd when I said “I wouldn’t be a very good mom” and I didn’t even say it in a negative way, just that I don’t want kids and it’s a good thing I’m childfree. The expression on her face was weird like I just told her something super depressing or some shit. Then when I said “I’m sad I didn’t experience romantic love” I would’ve thought “I’m sorry for your loss” would’ve been sufficient and if she was going to comment on relationships maybe she could’ve just reminded me they are needed to be happy idk I called her out and got pissed and told her she projected what she found fulfilling. She didn’t deny it. I’ve also brought up that she basically minimized it as a loss, that she devalued me and minimized my trauma, etc… no talking about it makes me feel better I literally can’t trust someone who responds to me expressing a feeling with the ideology that I can “still find the right one”. I’m at higher risk for being assaulted I asked if that was worth it and idk if she didn’t hear that but she didn’t answer.

I am having one more session and just won’t sceduale anymore. I told her via email that I just want a break.

I liked her momentarily due to being porn critical and doesn’t believe men can be women and I could talk about that but she clearly has no identity out of being a wife and mother.

I think you have to severely undermine male violence to not see that as a loss….

I am sad I didn’t experience romantic love because then I feel there would be less grief around accepting seperatism for my safty and not feeling offended by others folks opinions; I feel like I have to prove I was somehow desirable or wanted like I feel like a loser for having never been with anyone and rage because my Father dominated me and that’s literally the only reason. I hate being het cause it makes me feel gross. I wish I experienced romantic love so k wouldn’t feel dirty, basically, and wanted to heal from this idea rhe I can now never stop feeling dirty.

I was raged mormon so there is heavy sex shaming… being intimate with someone was like my awareness because it made me conscious I was being dominated and abused. I wasn’t a “prude” by any means I heavily repressed myself… I was afraid this guy I was trying to see in secret would think I was a slut, we were taught about not having impure thoughts and being chaste and all that shit, but I become aware there was nothing innapropiare I felt sacred… I didn’t feel shame or guilt engaging in my sexuality for a brief moment in my life and I was only 15 and I’m traumatized by it, and I literally told my therapist all of this before I said I’m sad I didn’t experience romantic love.

I just wish I had never been traumatized, and yea, I’m sure the rare het relationship that is loving is nice, I want to let go of the limerence and fantasy for the sake of being healthy, happy, and safe, because I fear being raped or stresses me so much it’s healthiest to stay away for me. It’s just not work the risk… idk how to heal, I don’t think therapists who believe happiness is motherhood and marriage and grandkids is a good therapist…

It frustrates me how many therapists have actually judged me for being single, it makes me feel worthless.

Sorry for vomiting, I really appreciate it!

I think you may be at a point right now where therapy isn’t helping you but rather exacerbating things and making you feel worse. It might be a good idea to take some time off and let your body relax and re-regulate itself. When you’re ready, I would suggest tackling the idea that great romantic love is the end all be all of life, because many people, traumatized or not, will never experience great romantic love. Does that make them less happy people? Does that make their lives less important? You can still experience great love, it just may not be from a man (or it may be, I don’t know). My dog loves me unconditionally, so do my friends. My coworkers smile when they see me and tell me about their families and show me pictures, I basically get to watch their kids grow up. Why is this love less valuable? And I mean you’d have to look far and wide to find a woman who isn’t traumatized so if you weren’t, you’d be one of few. Like I know it sucks to feel how you do and it’s not your fault, I want to reiterate that, you’re doing the absolute best you can. But it’s going to be hard. You’re going to have to ask yourself what you really want out of life, what’s important to you. Challenge why you think something is important. Question everything. I used to think I needed to be chosen by a man to be worthy. Which was then made more complicated because I am not attracted to men. But I kept trying, over and over again, thinking maybe this time, it’ll be good, it’d be different. It wasn’t. I would start sobbing the moment they left and at one point even bathed myself in bleach and scratched my skin off in chunks because of how dirty I felt. I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain. In my case, the only thing that helped was time and giving myself some grace. Focusing on the parts of life that made me happy and excited, getting me out of my head and back into my body. Dancing, yoga, just going for a walk with my dog. Anything to remind myself that I’m here now, I’m safe, I’m alive, no one is touching me. I think it’s hard to move through the world as a traumatized woman when you haven’t found your anger yet. Anger is what leads me to talk back, stick up for myself, not take shit from anyone. Your anger is the part of you that loves you. I think that’s next for you. All that fear and anxiety and self loathing you feel is eventually going to turn into a different beast entirely: rage. You’re already getting frustrated, you just need to stop turning that frustration inward. None of this is your fault. Remember that.

[yeet-saintlaurent]

Alright you guys bear with me for a paragraph, gotta get this stuff off my chest for a moment.

I wrote this based on my final moment with her. The ending was more peaceful than I had imagined, at least in my memory, I was cold to her at the end. I did not say a word to try and get her back, I know it seems ruthless and I definitely set her world on fire that night. I also know that in that moment she was as good as gone and there was no turning back, to this day I still do not know if I should have fought. It would be something I would want to ask her in another life. I didn’t get to know so many things I wanted to ask. I don’t know if she thinks that I hated her, that’s why she acted all weirdly, yes in fact I did hate her for awhile. Til’ I die I would remember she called me a robot, emotionless, dreadful and that I could not cry. To that it hurt me deep and it made me question if I was really a person who was capable to feel. As a casual person who writes I wondered if anyone even connects with my writing. But, how could I allow hate to be her final memory ? I could not hate her for saying that, she is not a person like that. I know she had no way around us, no way to leave. Of course I felt it every time and that is why it was excruciatingly hurtful to face her. That is the depth of my sadness and impending day I know would come. I tolerated to the end like she had to bear me. She was the only person I cared about even to the end. The only.

The truth is, I don’t think I could have brought her to my world, or maybe her world doesn’t allow for it. She might have been the closest thing to being my soul mate, in fact I think she is. I still talk and think about her like she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life, and if granted, I wanted to marry her one day. Maybe another will come along but I do not know. Dels has set the benchmark too high for anyone to replace. The local girls bore me to death. If I have to go through another I don’t think my heart will be able to take the blow. It was entirely my fault for making her my world, and when she suddenly disappeared I couldn’t make sense of it.

This year, I didn’t had anyone. No one. I had no time and energy to process what happened after my dad got sick, that episode was keeping me distracted from the actual healing I needed and my world still burns and reeks of her image. I figured I’d need abit more time and I don’t want another person that cannot value my peace at this current moment. It’s been almost a year and I’m still weak but I’m dragging this baggage until next year when I’m ready to take a break from life.

She was my first love. Everyone that came before was nothing like her. She has always thought I’m still stuck in the past, but she was nothing like the persons of the past. Now she became the past I’m really stuck to, how ironic, I hope this is not some sick joke she’s playing on me, or maybe I deserved it. Glad to say it’s making me a better writer this year, words really come easier when it was real. I’ve used writing to unload all of what I’ve wanted to express, the rage, the sadness, disappointment, the grief and the poignancy of a break up. I really did loved her. I told my best friend, the day I blocked her;

It felt like she died,

Metaphorically of course, but I cannot shake past the idea that someone I used to talk to every single day has vanished into thin air. She’s the last person I want something bad to happen to. No contact, no more words, no more knowing if she had moved on, well she has, but it ends here. It’s the worst year of my life I am declaring it. She finally got the Kikyo arc she wanted it seems. I’ve always thought of it so sad that Kikyo never really got what she wanted (Disregard that reincarnation). I know Dels did truly want us to happen but couldn’t control, and that is our fate really. This breakup was neither really happy nor really sad just tragic. In the end we both got what we needed. Her freedom, my faith and both of our families. I say it’s a win. So let me tell you guys, there’s always a silver lining.

>I don’t why but she gotta nickname herself after the MOST common supermarket sections and sometimes it’s usually in all CAPS on the aisles. It’s hard not to see it really so I usually avoid the cold cuts, salad and cheese sections of the market. Cheese surprisingly makes me uncontrollably sad.

I didn’t know then in December but this year September was when the real grievance came washing like a tsunami. I said my heart exploded then and it’s real that I felt it, it really hurt more than what it did in December. This time she was really gone, and she’s good at it, at being gone. She did warn me at the start of it that she used to be a good blocker, but somehow at the end it didn’t happen and we procrastinated so I bit the bullet in September and did it first, she still got there faster, goddamn it. Still trying to be first even at the end.

The longer we drag it we know we would not move past. Blocking is so cruel yet effective

I speak of this year like it’s heaven’s plan. It’s like she was destined never to arrive here, and everything fell into place so smoothly. As if God was trying to bring me back to Family, I definitely had it this year and I am forever grateful of it to bottom of my heart. She told me she does not believe in God but I don’t buy it really, I don’t think she means it anyways (she can make me hate her all she wants). I know I wouldn’t be able to handle a relationship nonetheless when time with my Dad was limited, I have owed him too much to school and life, I’m afraid pa, I may not have that much left. I still miss her too much, if I pray hard enough I hope she lifts whatever witch spell she was putting on me. I’ll continue to write Dandelions of the Midnight until I’m feeling better because there’s no way I write this good when I’m happy.

My Muse. It’s best she does not know, I think it’s also fine she’s no longer on this platform already anyways

>I know it’s wrong but … can I just send one more letter ?

📌Dandelions of the Midnight // The Forgotten Blaze

For her,

At night, I drown in the weight of regret,

For not holding on to the only soul

I have ever loved.

Yet, how helpless am I,

When it is Love Herself who chose to leave?

May my wails rend the heavens,

And my prayers set the sky ablaze in Its revelations that follow.

Let it witness my final wish to write to you once more,

To lay amidst a burning heap of ashes,

Of burnt letters and a baptism of sorrows.

What a sight to see…

a man once strong,

brought to his knees.

Borne by love,

Yet powerless to his memories.

If time should heal, let him grieve for her,

Should it set him free…

He writes to thee …

Oh, my unrequited flame,

Rests beneath amber skies and crimson haze,

I ache for a glimpse of our forlorn love

A fire once brilliant, now reduced to embers of a fallen grace.

Like a past lingering within the hollows of a heart,

Our Love reminisces a phantom glow waning of a bygone’s blaze.

~Dan

————————————————————————

A writing she could never see.