#also i didnt know how to word this to make sense i tried my best

[evilfranzkafka]

the biggest lie I've ever heard is the woman in "head" saying the monkees are all even in the kissing scene.

[littlelightfish]

I've been thinking about Mickbell since last chapter came out.

Have you noticed how everyone refers to him as Mick? He's a hafling, they shouldn't call him that since its his first name.

But here's the thing.

We know Mickbell didn't have something to call a family the majority of his life. He was all alone against the word for quite some time. He, as I said before, didn't have a proper family, didn't have any friends. He was alone. No one to care about him, no one to love even in a friendly way.

He can seem to be quite unfair towards Kuro, but truth is he doesn't know any better. He does what he can the best he can, the best he knows, because he loves Kuro so much, he doesn't want to loose his first friend, his first glimpse of a family, the only one that cared for him after so long the first one to recognize him as someone rather than something.

Kuro doesn't understand common language well, we know for a fact that he struggles with it and that he's still learning to communicate. When Mickbell found him, it was his sense of "I'm in great debt to him because he saved me" what made him attack the one that attacked Mick. "How dares he tuch my savior?" Kind of behaviour. And also revenge I guess. But, hear me out. He hears Mickbell telling something to him in a language he doesn't understand, but he sticks to his side from then on, because he saw a savior in him. Because he feels in debt with him, because he sees that this guy enjoys his company and also feeds him. He is like a stray dog after being adopted, loyal. He loves and cares for Mickbell, he wants to be able to truly understand him and to make himself known to him by talking. He's learning how to speak common, not because it might be useful, but because he wants to be able to fully communicate with his dearest friend, with the one he considers family.

Going back to Mickbell, he saw someone caring for him enough to take revenge and protect him. This aren't little things to do for someone you just met. He knows this, because he probably wouldn't have done that, he 100% would've runned away because he has sense of self-preservation and knows damn well he doesn't stand a chance and he wants to continue living. He makes sure to keep this kobold to himself, at first because of his "if it can be made use of, then use it" principle.

He freed the kobold, not because he was a good person, but because he wanted to take revenge in his own terms. He wanted this man to suffer, he can't pick a fight because he doesn't stand a chance, so he steels his merch, or in this case, frees it. He freed Kuro because he wanted the man to suffer the loss of his merch. Not because he feels sorry for a kobold that could easily chomp his head off (they're usually agressive). Now, after freeing him, he noticed that this kobold would die if he didn't take off the thing he had in his mouth, so he helped him a bit there. This seems a bit out of character. Why did he freed the starved kobold from what could've saved him of being eaten himself? Because he is a good person. He doesn't want this creature to starve to death after freeing him, it would be cruel, and he isn't cruel. He doesn't want nothing to do with the kobold at first, he just doesnt want him to die because he didnt properly freed him, but after seeing how far is this someone willing to go for him? He has no room for doubt, he makes himself his boss.

As I said, Mickbell didn't had a real family before. He lacks of proper social interactions and bonds due to his past. But he loves so deeply. He doesn't want to loose Kuro. He sees him as the closest thing he'll ever have to a family, but he doesn't know how to treat him properly. He tries his best. He feeds him, and cares about him a lot, but he doesn't know how to talk to him. He wants to have him close at all times, he wants to pet him, to be carried around by him and only him, to tease him, to help him. He's always worrying about his well-being. And above all, he doesn't want to be alone. Never again. This is why he does everything he can think of to hold Kuro closer to him. This is why he's saving money, why he pays Kuro so poorly for his job. This is why he doesn't spent much money on himself either. He wants to live a life with kuro by his side because he loves him. He loves him deeply, and cares about him deeply too. He's his family. And he is terrified of the sole thought of Kuro leaving his side. Because that wouldn't just mean being alone again. It would mean Kuro left.

Now, this is what the party sees. A hafling that treats his kobold employee quite unfairly. He doesn't pay him almost anything, he leaves him alone as soon as battle starts, he is possessive about him, and he's terrified of someone snatching him away. The kobold doesn't seem to either mind or notice how unfair his owner is being towards him, and doesn't seem to understand him very well either. They see that they both care for each other more than they first thought as time passes by, but the unfairness of it all is still there. They don't get it. Why would the hafling, if he cares so much, reward him so badly? Why is he taking advantage of the kobold he loves so much? Why wouldn't he let him express himself in his mother language? They don't fully get it.

Time passes and they become closer to each other, just as Laios's party does. They start opening up, bonding, and before they knew it, they're something like a small family, rather than just a group of friends adventuring together. It's clear as day something in Mickbell wasn't quite right just by the way he behaves. He is childish, but it doesn't seem to be intentional. He behaves like a kid, but he is quite mature at the same time. He is like this because he didn't had a proper childhood? He only now can allow himself to behave lightly as he does? To cry at minor inconveniences? To want to be hold on someone's arms? They don't know, but they don't prey about it either.

And without realizing it, they call him just "Mick". Some of them, if not them all, know what it means to call a hafling by his first name. They maybe did it to tease him, maybe because they wanted him to know they consider him family, but he didn't even noticed. He hadn't a proper social interaction with haflings that ever got to the personal level of teaching him something he should already know. Haflings call him Mickbell, he doesn't mind, it's his name. His party calls him Mick, he doesn't mind, it's his name. He doesn't even know hee should care. The party picks up he doesn't mind being called that and gets surprised. Is he letting them know he sees them aa family too? They at first are really surprised, but it losses importance over time. They just use it as a nickname now, but they started using it because they wanted Mickbell to know they're family too, that they don't want to hurt him nor Kuro.

Mickbell it's just a good hearted guy who doesn't know how to do good. He saves up money so he can, one day, live with Kuro. So he doesn't pays him well even if he works hard. So he starves himself (he is underweight too, but it could be for the same reason Chilchuck is, he is 5 cms taller than the common hafling after all). So he allows himself to steal from corpses. He needs money. He has a dream. He wants to have a family.

[ppnuggiex]

Hello can I request a unserious s/o who is rarely mad(gn reader if possible) with the octavinelle trio and riddle, and one day they js see their s/o pissed af and being a badass

So sorry if this made no sense😭if it doesn't make any sense js reply to this I'll try my best to put it into understandable words(??) Pls ignore if u can't do this request or anything! :)

　　　　　　TWST x gn reader

　　　　『　riddle ,, azul ,, jade ,, floyd ,, gender neutral reader 』

　　->

　　— fluff ,, sfw ,, tw for side characters being jerks

　　— sorry for how late this is 😭🙏 but ive finally gotten to it !! hope you enjoy :))

| • hes more used to seeing you playing around with ace and deuce ,, used to you making a joke about anything at any moment possible

| • seeing you get serious and mad with a student ,, more specifically one from his dorm ,, is enough to let him know something was wrong

| • he's quick to figure out the situation ,, the student being apart of a project for one of crewel's assignments and shirking their responsibilities onto you ,, it was understandable to be upset about

| • riddle will reprimand the student ,, disappointed they would do this to you ,, let do it in the first place . he prides himself on keeping his students well educated and up-to date with their assignments . if they need help ,, then they would get it if they'd ask

| • hes not too sure how exactly to deal with you being angry ,, as hes more used to your more softer and joking side

| • least to say ,, riddle will be on your side depending on the situation when you get angry

| • he's the same with riddle ,, also not used to seeing you mad ,, even during his overblot you didnt express any anger as you did now

| • a pomefiore second year ,, one that was in his history class ,, was pestering you about notes regarding the assignment azul and the rest of his class had gotten

| • the student was probably aware of what azul used to do ,, or maybe theyre aware of his new plan of purchasing so much from monstro lounge and getting hole punches to meet with him

| • either way ,, they werent letting up about notes for the assignment ,, nor leave you alone about it

| • and thus it led to your yelling ,, catching him by surprise to even hear you yell

| • even when floyd pestered you ,, and when jade would jokingly (possibly) say he put poison in the food you offered to taste test ,, you never truly got as angry as you were with this persistent student

| • benevolent as azul was ,, he was quick to come to your aid and help with the problem . escorting the pomefiore student away ,, letting you cool off for a moment ,, and deal with this troublesome being .

| • needless to say ,, he definitely didnt want to be on the receiving end for your anger

| • jade had tried in the past to see what makes you tick ,, what could possibly get on your nerves but to his disappointment he wasnt able to figure it out

| • he would joke that he slipped a intoxicating mushroom in your soup ,, or say he couldnt remember where he placed your gift during a holiday

| • yet nothing he did would ever give him the reaction he's witnessing in front of him now

| • it was meant to be a relaxing trip to beach ,, but instead he was on the sidelines watching a showdown

| • it happened when you offered to get something from the snack bar provided ,, you got a little peckish swimming out there and jade wasn't hungry at all ,, used to having to swim

| • one of the customers behind you had cut ,, and at first you werent going to make such a deal out of it ,, until he had purposely got out of line and then got back in ,, except right in front of you

| • with that ,, you had pointed it out that he had cut the slowly growing line not once but twice ,, to his reply was something regarding your attitude and to "what who you're talking to like that"

| • and then it spiralled down hill from there . jade heard the commotion from your guys' spot on the beach ,, not too far from the ocean but far enough to not get splashed by the waves

| • jade was surprised to witness your anger ,, and watched for a moment before stepping in to help

| • thankfully others were eye witnesses to the situation ,, and the others were there to back you up and testify for you

| • not that jade wouldnt believe you ,, but it also helped difuse the situation and the guy soon left ,, and jade had finally witnessed what your anger would be like

| • if he had to compare your anger to someone ,, it would be that of jade's . its not often you get angry ,, and jade does but he never truly shows it flat out ,, rather hidden under his mask of deception

| • though its high time you stood up for yourself ! floyd knows how much people can push you over and you'd just laugh it off and reference something from your world

| • though after a customer had gotten too close to you and tried to put the blame on you ,, it was evident you were angry . floyd wasnt present at the scene ,, but another staff member had witnessed what happened and informed floyd ,, hoping he could get rid of the guy at least instead of adding fuel to the flames .

| • and that's what he did ,, not without leaving a small threat to the guy that if he were to cause such a ruckus again he would be given more than just a warning

| • floyd ,, having witness your anger ,, knows that he would rather you joke around and be playful than witness that again ,, having to calm you down was not something he'd want to experience again

[aaabatteriez]

candid sanji (in love) ᯓᡣ𐭩

⁺˖ not a writer btw just madly in love with sanji and in love with the idea of sanji being in love ☝️

ᡣ𐭩₊˚.⋆⁺₊ ,,

since sanji is naturally flirty towards any young beautiful woman that walks by hes probably become very used to how hes normally treated by women / how he himself sees them.

like whenever he makes advances hes used to getting turned down or not rlly taken seriously but hes ok with that cuz sanji is number 1 ladies man. all he wants is to see women plural, hes not rlly a man who wants to settle down (not including wci that was lowkey forced marriage). hes a little bit of a player right? like hes a flirt to everyone not just one person.

but i think what would happen to sanji when he meets and gets to know someone and he realises that his feelings for that one person wasnt "wow you're pretty i wanna flirt with you too" but instead "i think i'm madly in love with who you are as a person and you're so beautiful that I will glady lay my heart out for you right now and spend the rest of my life with you and only you and id want nothing else" it genuinely scares him.

like he is TERRIFIED.

hes sure hes said something along those lines to other girls before.. but has he actually felt the weight of those words?? the burden of a heart that is so willing to be given to another?? not until now.

but that fear (AHHH!! AHH!! i was sooo scared!!!) doesnt compare to how he'd feel when that person tells him they would like all of that and would be willing to do the same for him.

dont misunderstand now, hes really really happy BUT HES ALSO SHAKING IN HIS BOOTS BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK??? 😭😭 ARE U FR??

he doesnt know what to do because no one has ever felt that way towards him before, and he hasnt felt this strongly about someone else before either

hes so happy but so so scared he's going to mess this up so he tries extra hard to be his usual self, the smooth talking romantic he always is

but it totally backfires cause all of his senses are heightened to the max and hes so fleeping nervous he cant think straight

charisma?? what is a charisma.

all his previous flirty remarks and witty pickup lines?? OUT THE WINDOW. hes tripping all over his words and there's a big ol lump in his throat that wont go away no matter how many times he gulps down hard and coughs

doesnt know what to do with his hands

instead of the smoothly rizzed up buttery sexy tone sanji puts on when he speaks, he sounded like a squeaky door hinge and at the same time he also sounds like hes sick with the flu

insert random silence

so fucking awkward. awkward silence. awkward punchline.

doesnt know what to do with his hands x2

forgets how to hold someone

is this okay?? is this really okay?? (as his hands are visibly shaking)

no cause his lovely lady would have to do all the initial physical contact and flirting before he can finally be an alpha and be a man and take initiative

again he just didnt wanna mess up

hes so worried about that person losing interest in him that he tries to act as his very best but it falls flat from feeling insecure / fear (ahhh!! ahh!! ok sorry ill stop)

abandonment issues!

oh he probably got real drunk and cried himself to sleep too aft messing up trying to flirt for the 1010929292938399th time

a lil bit of a pathetic man

but one who doesnt give up HES READY TO TRY AGAIN!!!

fails x2

₊ ⊹

・゜゜・．・゜゜・・゜゜・．・゜゜・．

[theannoyingmosquitoinyourroom]

i started liveblogging my read in my tags but i ran out of tags so imma continue here but like. read the tags first and then this cuz thats the order. damn i wish i had slots left so that i could tag the reblog w the writing tag as well n stuff. welp, next time ig

anyway moving on from phone-trees

“you may not be my daughter but i still want Maria’s kid to be safe” thats so cute i love you snake man

“for the institution is spell protected” ooh interesting!!!

“admission exams were such a pain in the—“ liz you are 100% correct. also its so fucking cool that you can camouflage!!

okay so if its an anthology im assuming it happens in the same universe? but idk lost of anthologies work differently

if you have more thoughts about the university id be happy to listen im curious to see what kinds of courses there are!!!!!

also im wondering what sort of magical beings are possible in this world. and now thinking of it, i wonder whats up w carlos he seems like a chill dude, i like him

Paternity Test

“I think my dad is a demon.”

“Not unheard of.” Carlos, the exchange demonology student, replied.

Liz frowned.

“I'm serious. My mom never talks about him and now there's this weird… spirit thing, following me.”

“Do you feel hot?”

“What?”

“Hot, angry, headaches, skin reddening?”

“No?”

“No signs of a hellspawn then, you're clear.”

“Come on Carlinhos, help me here, you're the only one from that weird magic uni I know.”

Carlos sighed.

“Okay, tell me what happened.”

“It all started 3 months ago.”

I had just arrived home from school. Mother sent me a message saying she wouldn't be home but lunch was in the fridge. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw Mom in the kitchen, frying rice. (my favorite!)

When she noticed me walking in she turned to me with the brightest smile I ever saw on her face. She rushed me to the table saying I should eat my lunch before going to work. And that's when I started to notice some weird stuff.

First of all, her fried rice didn't taste the same. It wasn't bad, but it didn't taste like mom's fried rice.

Second, she would not eat with me, just… stare. It freaked me out. She kept smiling while looking at me, and when I asked if she was going to eat she said:

“Oh no, human food give me stomach aches.”

She said that with a straight face, I didn't know whether to believe she was joking or not.

Once I finished my food she stood up and gently held me by my shoulders. With tears in her eyes she said:

“My daughter, my beautiful daughter.”

Do I need to say that's not something my mother does regularly? She continued:

“I missed you so much.”

And kissed me on the forehead.

It was at that moment I heard the entrance door being unlocked and the distinct voice of my mother saying:

“I'm back early sweety, did you eat already?”

My “mom” froze.

When my real mom finally reached the kitchen, they stared at each other for a moment.

“You again?!” My real mom yelled, throwing the shopping bags on the floor “I told you to leave us alone! Get away! Go! Go!”

She was slapping my “other mom” in the back and rushing her out of the house. I remember the pitiful look on my other mom’s face, she was silent as she left the house.

When I, rightfully, asked my actual mother what the hell just happened, she said we should talk after my shift, so I went to work. When I got home that day, she simply acted like nothing ever happened! She's gaslighting me to this day!

***

“Oh!” Carlos interrupted “Was it that day? The one you were so tired you thought your hand was turning gray while working the coffee machine?”

“Yeah”

“Hm…” he squinted his eyes at her “Crazy, sorry, go on”

***

And then I started to notice weird stuff happening.

First, suddenly I noticed a strange aura on the snake that always follows me around…

***

“Wait, wait, sorry again, the hell you mean the snake that follows you around? Are there even snakes in this region?! Isn't Ireland a snake free country?”

“Yeah, I didn't notice at first, there were plenty of snakes in my hometown, I hadn't realized they weren't common here.”

“And you were not worried that a specific snake followed you around?”

“It wasn't a venomous one, it's a milk snake, cute, like a pet.”

“Holy Shit.”

“Can I?”

“Yeah sure, go ahead.”

“Okay so…”

***

There was this weird aura around it.

Out of nowhere the snake tried to curl around my leg so I grabbed it gently, I looked at its face and I shit you not — I recognized it! The way its mouth stood… it looked like it was smiling, the same smile my “other mother” had at that time!

No need to say I dropped the snake and ran away.

Three days later my math teacher started acting weird as well. You know, don't you? Mr. Walker hates my guts! But suddenly he was being very nice to me. He wouldn't complain about my lateness anymore nor scold me for sleeping in his class. A sudden change of heart was weird but I wasn't complaining. Until I noticed.

His smile. He would always smile at me, with the same smile.

The same as the other mother. The same as the snake.

I wasn't having it.

After school, I cornered him in the parking lot.

“Who are you and what did you do with Mr. Walker?!”

He looked surprised for a moment.

“What do you mean, Miss Ferreira? I'm Mr. Walker.”

“No, you're not.” I rebuked “Mr. Walker can't pronounce my last name for shit. You're not him. What did you do?”

He smiled. The same sly snake-like grin.

“I believe we should discuss this in a place a bit more… private.”

“I'm not going to your fucking second location, you weirdo.” God knows what he had done to Mr. Walker. I wasn't risking it. I watch true crime documentaries, I'm not dumb.

He looked genuinely hurt. Maybe I was being rude. But fuck politeness.

“Maybe you could… choose a place and time? So we can discuss it properly. I swear your teacher is fine.”

He looked pathetic at this point. I was starting to feel bad.

“Okay…” I said and gave him a place and time.

***

We met at a diner. It wasn't late, I had just gotten off work. The sky was gleaming orange on the horizon, streets busy with workers heading home. It was fine. I was fine. I was not nervous. Not a bit.

I wiped the sweat out off my hands as I waited for him.

He showed up. At the exact time we planned. He had the same big smile on his face, it felt… silly.

“I'm glad you chose a more isolated seat,” he said to me and winked, “Let me show you a trick.”

And then the man wearing Mr. Walker's skin suddenly wasn't anymore.

I'll spare you the details of the transformation, but you know how snakes shed their skin? Yeah. That's what happened.

The new… person in front of me was very pale, although their skin had red and black spots all over, very androgynous also, and very lanky. Their hair and eyes were black as the night sky, I could not see their pupils, but I was sure they were slits and I just knew that if I touched their skin it would be cold and damp. The smile was the same though. It felt… comforting, for some reason.

I was shocked of course. And disgusted. Not by their appearance but the “trick” was nauseating to watch.

They grabbed my hands. As I expected, cold and damp.

“Lizzzzz…” they said “I know this is weird, but it's been 17 years and you need to know the truth.”

My mouth dropped to the floor as he said:

“I am your father.”

***

18 years ago, Maria, my mother was living in the Bahian Caatinga. She lived a simple life. Not so good, not so bad. Her parents wanted her to have a good education, so she went to the capital to study biology in college.

Mother had a special interest. Growing up in the caatinga she was used to seeing and handling a fair share of regional snakes. But what most people thought as just a regular inconvenience was her deepest passion.

She loved snakes and would never let her father kill the ones that sometimes sought shelter in her house. She would always hold them carefully and release them back to the wild, leaving the old man to pout and rant “They'll just keep coming back!”.

And that's cute, right? I'm all for helping the local species but… it caused her to receive some… unusual attention.

Suddenly, — no matter where she went — there would always be a snake around. She didn't notice at first, after all, what are the chances? But it was the same snake every time. A male milk snake, very common in the area but, That's weird… she thought, yet, what could she do? Even if she was superstitious, wouldn't that be a good sign anyways?

She got used to it eventually. And everything was normal. At least until St. John's day.

It was during the June holidays. Her village was going all out for the festivities that year: colorful banderoles from pole to pole, stands of all types in the street, the laughter of the children in their costumes filling the air together with the winter smells of corn, peanut, stews and alcohol brought by the cold breeze, the music never stopped, from the sanfoneiros at the plaza to the home speakers blasting all genres of music.

It was night, but the village shone as if the sun had never set.

It was during the festivities that a strange man, who later claimed to be called Conrado, approached her.

Extending his hand he said:

“Care for a danssssssce?”

Oh, he must be nervous, Mom thought, how adorable. And took his hand.

The dancing leads to flirting, and that leads to kissing, and kissing leads to… well, you know.

He promised to go see her the next day, at the cathedral by morning. She accepted, of course, after all, she had to explain that she had a boyfriend in the city… oopsies. But when she went there… there was no man, only that same snake that always followed her around.

And that was when he realized, and oh boy was she pissed.

Seriously? A snake demon?! A STALKER SNAKE DEMON?!

The snake did its best to be understood, to explain itself. But it could not talk, so I guess it didn't work.

What made Mom angrier was the fact that she didn't get her period the month later… neither the next month, nor the nine months that came after. And then I was born.

Years later, when I was… uh… five? she moved to Ireland — the only place with no snakes she could think of — to further her education, claiming I would also be safer here.

It took a while for “Conrado” to find us, most specifically, me. But he is very happy he did. He's been watching over me ever since.

***

“Wait, you said she had a boyfriend back in the city?” I asked.

“Hm? Yessssssss… I didn't mind though…”

“That means I could also be his daughter.”

He gave me a sad look.

“Yessssss but, I feel you aren't…” He looked even sadder. “But you musssst have notisssssssed, right…? That you are different.”

“No. I didn't.”

Was my skin a little weird? Yes, but I'm a teenager. Do I have some speech impediments related to s and z sounds? Yeah, but lots of people have it too! Was my sense of smell stronger? Yeah, but that's not out of this world. Was I a bit stronger than normal for my build? Yeah, well actually no, y’all are just a bunch of wimps.

He looked at me with the saddest expression I ever saw on a man, he looked… pathetic. Exactly my mom's type, that I can't deny.

“Okay, then…” he sighed, “but if you notice something… anything, you can call me, alright? I'm staying in the woods next to your house, just scream into a tree and I'll find you.”

He was about to leave, but then realized something and turned back to me.

“Also, take this,” he handed me a rock with a hole in the middle “You might not be my daughter, but I still want Maria's kid to be safe.” aw

And he left.

***

“And that’s it.” Liz finished her story with a sigh. “He can’t be my real dad, right? I would have noticed it…”

“Liz,” Carlos said in a deep voice “Did you notice that you didn’t blink a single time in this conversation?”

“What?”

“And that your hands and arms have camouflaged themselves on the table?”

“What?!” Liz looked down and sure thing, the color of her hands was completely changed, blending in with the table. Liz's mouth was on the floor.

“Also, everyone thinks I am enrolled at a regular university, no “weird magic uni”, for the institution is spell protected.”

Liz was flabbergasted “Then how? I…?”

“Only special humans or magical beings are able to know the truth about the university.”

“...”

“You should call your dad.” Carlos said “Also, you're almost finishing high school, right? I think you'll be getting an email soon…’’

“I… don't I need to apply first?’’

“The mystic arts university works differently, it's more like they come for you, no application needed.”

“I… I'll get going.” Liz stumbled.

Needless to say, a certain snake was very happy that evening. And feelings aside, Liz could not help to feel relieved to have a uni waiting for her already, admission exams were such a pain in the—.

[nyx-is-missing]

Could u write one for clarisse where she's impressed with femR bc of how good she is at fighting and all and clarisse finds her incredibly attractive bc no one has challenged her the way R does?

And like a bit of pining until the two confess

Thank you!!

Breathtaking or taken

Clarisse la rue x fem!reader

Summary: when Clarisse finds a opponent worth of her, she is breathtaken.

Warnings: none really, just fluff, not a descriptive fight scene on sight cause mama dont know how to write that, so just fluff fluff, and mutual pining fluff

(Do i need to say its not proofread? No? Thank you)

Here is one of the main benefits of being a daughter of Athena, you'll know.

DIfferent from other gods, Athena will let your parent know it is her who they are talking to.

And if letting them know beforehand isnt enough, she will let them know when the baby is brought to them, and if your parent is smart enough to live up to her choice, you'll have time to learn a thing or two before being thrown into this world.

If your parent cares enough about you, you'll have time.

And sure as hell my mom cared.

Always the intelectual woman, historian, researcher, writter, my mom knew many things about ancient greece, she knew all the stories by heart, and she, of all people, knew what she needed to do, to preserve her only daughter, her sacred gift.

She teached me all i needed to learn without compromising myself, stories, languages, art...and fight.

Little girls my age were doing dance classes, were trying to be good enough for drama club, were playing tea party with their dolls or making a mess with their mom's make up.

Well...i.. i was doing martial arts, i was fencing, i had my face in a book every free time i got.

I always asked her about it, why was she so strict about never missing a fight leasson, her answer always made sense, there and now.

"The world is cruel, especially for little girls, someday i might not be all the time with you, someday, you'll fight your own battles, you need to be ready"

Every word, every single word is true.

And that is how i ended up here, in a arena of camp half blood, sparring with Clarisse, and winnig, by two points, yes, but winning.

It is clear nobody expected that from me, neither did she actually, i can see in her eyes.

Understandable, they expect Athena kids to be calm, find a solution, not fight her way out.

Honestly their looks dont bother me, i dont even think much of it, but Clarisse's looks, they got something more to them, like a kid who finally got the dog she really wanted.

"Aaand break time Clarrise, we'll continue this tomorrow, id like to enjoy the rest of my afternoon thank you"

I dropped the sword down and started to undo my armor while walking close to the exit.

"Wait wait wait, now? Already? C'mon i didnt even had time to figure out how do you do that... all of that"

She stood next to me, still holding her sword and honestly.. she was beautiful, yes she was sweaty now and yes she was mean to everyone but.. now...right now, she was beautiful, shining, in her element really, flushed cheeks and a smile she only had when with a sword in hand.

"I practice, ever since i was a kid, everyday, well expect in weekends but yeah, almost everyday... how do you do all that? You are good...-want some water?"

I offered her my bottle also motioning for her to walk with me, both wich she gladly accepted.

"I practice too...and i never said this to anyone but, you are good, great even, and look breathtaking"

We stop walking, we stop all actually.

"I look what, Clarisse?"

"Breathtaken- you look out of breath, do you want the water back?"

Ah.

Weeks later i found myself in the same scenario, sparring with Clarisse again, actually that is all i do when it comes to training, be with Clarisse

"C'mon curls, thats the best you've got? No need to go easy on me"

"Im not going easy, i already told you, you caught me distracted thats all- GIRL WIll YOU SUSH?"

She tried to block you with her sword, thankfully for her, a succeded attempt.

"How could i? You're so fun to mess with, gets all red n all"

"Oh you want to talk about getting red?"

In a moment i was on the floor, Clarisse on top of me, and i couldnt speak, all i could do was stare into her big brown eyes, who looked right into my soul.

"Cant speak anymore huh? Oh if you could see the red im seeing-"

Now this my ladies and gentlemen, this is what i call a shot of faith.

I raised my head a little and just..i kissed her, it was quick but I did it, and her face went blank.

"Now you are breathtaken Curls, how about that?"

"And you are still breathtaking"

Still?

Oh

Oh.

"You...like me Clarisse?"

"You didnt knew?"

Oh.

"....no..?"

"Would you walk away if i kissed you this time?"

"....no."

[seeminglydark]

does caro ever miss or mourn the person they could have been if they been happy with who they were as carrie? i'm an older trans person and have been post op and passing for over a decade now, but every now and then i can't help but feel sad for the version of myself i would have been if i'd been cis. i don't see a lot of stories with gnc characters touch on these feelings even though i think they're a normal part of the trans experience

WOAGH ok. I'm not going to clean up this sketch cuz i think its better you get the sloppy 'couldnt see through my tears replying to this ask' version. In many ways, yes. Its hard to put into words because its not a regret, but its a grief of who they tried to be for so long. It doesn't take away from the joy they have being the person they are now, but for them its like losing a loved one too young, if that makes sense.

i think many people have 'what ifs' and sadness for our baby selves. I write Caro loving Carrie very much, which is a super personal choice for me. I also show Carries story because I feel its really important to understand Caros. And because its really important to mine. I mourn baby me all the time, I was so incredibly lost. And I mourn the man I never became. He lives in John, because in many ways he still exists in me, even if my life took me in a different direction from him. I still love him. Hes still part of me even if my path didn't include him once i learned more about myself. But I'm also incredibly joyful and happy to be the person I am now, and I think teenage girl me, and phantom FtM me would be really proud of 40-something nonbinary living-my life-the-best-way-i-can me.

I think if Caro could meet Carrie in some kinda way, they'd say they were so sorry they couldn't be her, and that they really tried but they just didnt know how. But I think Carrie would tell them she's really happy she gets to be them, and how proud she is of how far theyve come together.

[thekingofwinterblog]

Man I wish your MHA prediction came true, cause, no spoilers, but the truth is so bad😂

atleast its finallly over... never reading a series when it hasnt finished serialisation again😂

It's not even a BAD manga ending... i have seen BAD manga endings before, i know how they look like.

No, what MHA's final chapter is, is a NOTHING Ending. An ending where it is so, PAINFULLY obvious that the Mangaka or his editor did not want to piss anyone off, or take risks in general, that for a whole host of characters, there is NO closure, or even worse, it negates what came before.

so, its not like there is nothing good about the chapter, as i like shoji's big declaration, and the fact that japans society is changing to help people deal with the quirks withouth having to become heroes... but other than that, even the stuff i liked had major caveats.

But by far the biggest issue is that there are so many characters who got NO closure for their respective relationships, and it is stupidly obvious why, and who.

and since this question was prompted by Aizawa and his development, lets start with mic and Aizawa.

This picture right here encapsulates how Aizawa has changed. This is where he was always planned to end up. It is his natural end point compared to where he started off his story. Having turned into a much more caring man, who helped Aoyama rise above his flaws and change for the better rather than the brutal and spartan teacher he was at the start.

Or as his Ex Girlfriend would have put it has learned the value of "A household where the laughter never ends.".

However, the problem is we get no chapter, or even an ATTEMPT at giving him any form of closure where this change is encapsulated, the way we got with Endeavor, spinner, and Uraraka.

And thats a problem, because it wasnt ONLY hjis character who was tied to this hypotetical chapter for closure.

The closure of the ENTIRE idiot trio from the previous generation, alive and dead was dependent upon whatever Hori had planned for this hypotetical epilogue chapter before he or his editor chickened out, leaving Kurogiri's death in the climax with NO sense of aftermath behind it, coming and going, and frankly feeling like an aftertought rather than the sad ending to the tragic tale of the man who died too soon.

It also leaves Mic the single worst off, because while Aizawa at the very least had his character development to fall back on as a final point, even if he didnt get a closure chapter or moment, Mic gets NOTHING.

and that's a big problem, because as im going to go over in my big analysis of the man, Mic's entire deal is that while Aizawa developed in a terrible, negative reaction to his buddy's death, Mic's reaction was to stop developing at all.

His entire life after the tragedy is being a background character in everyone else's life, the DJ who always tries to make everyones day brighter, but has no actual ambitions, dreams or goals of his own.

thats why he clings so desperately to his memories of highschool, because unlike everyone else from that time, those memories are all he has. Even Aizawa managed to have a girlfriend at some point, an actual relationship, that though it crashed and burned had meaning. Mic doesnt even have that.

He is the ultimate sad clown, who pretends to himself that he hasnt wasted his life, by embracing a role as a literal supporting character, that his teachers suggested he would turn out to be.

In other words, his role in a chapter dealing with the epilogue of the trio, would certainly have been to finally, actually begin living his own life again.

but withouth that, there is nothing to suggest he managed to change. he will just continue to waste his life, thinking he'll never be able to create great new times for himself, rather than actually living his life and making new, best moments of his life.

i might be more annoyed about Aizawa not getting that final closure with Miss Joke, but there is no questions that Mic got an even worse deal with the narrative than Aizawa.

He remained a background character to the very end.

he's not the only one though.

You know who else never got closure? The Iida brothers.

We NEVER got to see how Tensei reacted to his brother not only taking up his mantle, but actually surpassing him and all his deeds during the climax.

Tenya's great ambition was to become a great hero to live up to his brother, and we didnt get to see any of his family members reaction to him actually achieving this dream.

As for other members of class 1-A...

Hey, quick question for anyone who read this story, Did you think Mina and Kirishima's character stories ended with these two, small, not given very much importance panels?

No?

Well fuck you, youre wrong! this is where both of their characters ends. their relationship, and their character arcs in general ended here, and they get no closure whatsoever.

and finally we move unto Izuku and the bigger problem with him and where he ended up.

Starting with him becoming a non powered hero, using tech.

Okay, not a BAD ending... But i feel like... maybe... there was a plan for something with that. Maybe... Maybe something that happened, and would have eased his character into using tech, rather than All Might just showing up with it after he's been a salary man for 3 years... Maybe something that was foreshadowed for years, and years.... Oh right.

Izuku losing his lower arms.

Like, looking back, it is painfully clear that Izuku was originally meant to lose his arms for good, before the editor(as he did with bakugo's death) put the kibash on that.

I like the idea... but there was a much better and more logical road to him becoming Iron Man with him having to use robotic hands in the epilogue. it would also be the logical outcome of all that foreshadowing, and was probably the original idea before it was deemed too gruesome.

However, thats a missed what if.

And if you have read the final chapter, you know it's not the BIG issue with this chapter. The SINGLE biggest problem with this ending, that is going to haunt it forever afterwards.

The complete sinking of Izuku x ochako by making it clear izuku has no regular contact with his former classmates, and ending the story withouth anything to suggest these two hooked up at all.

Now, im going to be very blunt, and very clear, before i tear this entire ship sinking to bits.

I didn't like Izuku x ochako.

At all.

I thought it was boring, too drawn out, and i didnt find much enjoyment as a ship from their interactions. in fact i would say i found izuku to have better chemistry with pretty much every other female character he ever interacted with.

Izuocha is the epitomy of a safe shonen battle couple. pure, boring vanilla.

I want to get that out of the way, before i really delve into why the way Hori just... torpedoed this ship because he didnt want to deal with the aftermath, was such a slap in the face.

Lets start with the most obvious problem.

It was all a waste of time.

every single moment of shiptease, and uraraka pining after izuku...

was one...

gigiantic...

Waste of fucking time.

I didnt like reading about this couple. But i cannot make the claim the story was not building up towards it.

it spent the vast majority of it's story building towards this couple, and in the last 3 chapters it devoted two of them to seemingly resolving this couple's story, and setting up for the next step... that never fucking came.

meaning that every little bit of ship tease these two had was a joke, a waste of time, it didnt mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

It was one of the most annoying parts of this manga to read through, and to my absolute fury and disguist i was fucking -vindicated.

It was an objective, waste of fucking time that could have been devoted to ANYTHING ELSE! It could have been devoted to another, better pairing, more character development for 1-A, Inko, the league of Villains, ANYTHING!

If the story was not going to end up with these two, there were plenty of ways to do that too, like having Uraraka's decision not to confess backfire as izuku moved on and hooked up with Mei, or melissa, or anyone else! or maybe just have izuku have moved past her an her ending up being friendzoned because she didnt make a move early enough! Or maybe have Uraraka realize she was gay after everything with Toga!

Again, ANYTHING ELSE would have been preferable.

instead, even at the very end, even when the following pages kills the pairing dead, Hori STILL tries to shipbait these two!

fuck off.

2. Making Urarak look shallow through the worst fucking timing in the world.

so, here is a question for you.

if you were going to ultimately choose not to go through with izuku x ochako, when would be the worst, possible timing to do it?

because i sure cant think of any point worse, than during a timeskip, where izuku's quirk ultimately went away, leaving him powerless and a common working man for 3 years afterwards.

Now this is obviously not meant to be the actual reason in universe for why this pairing didnt happen... but the implication is there...

And it wouldnt have been, if Hori had actually had Izuku turn her down in one of the previous chapters.

but because he decided to chicken out of any and all romance to not get any shipper blowback, through the safest way possible, it's there.

It's ugly, and it's cruel, and it's mostly implication... but it is there.

3. It makes Uraraka's entire character growth with Toga WASTED.

So Toga's part of her and Uraraka's storyline is obvious.

The girl who was looking for someone, anyone who would want to understand her finally found somebody who would, and she decided to give it all for that person.

in uraraka, she finally got what she could not get in the league, amongst her old friends, or anyone else.

No the problem is not with that side of their shared development.

The problem with this is that it completely wastes Uraraka's side of this equation.

The thing that Uraraka envied about Toga, was her ability to smile as she wanted, uncaring about how the world might think of her, something the shy uraraka deeply wished she could do too.

Ultimately, as presented in the final war arc, her develoment from this relationship was her finally learning to be honest, to embrace doing what she wanted to do.

She wanted to reach out a genuine hand in compassion to Toga despite EVERYTHING, and so she did. uncaring about what the world might have thought.

FInally she could be who she wanted to be. the girl who had been defined so long about keeping her love and more emberassing feelings under wrap no longer cared about being judged for them.

It's a very beautiful moment.

Man... It sure would SUCK if later uraraka completely backtracked, was never able to tell her crush her actual feelings, and instead it went absolutely nowhere, meaning she reverted back to the same person she had always been. that she never really grew past this flaw of herself she disliked.

That would really, really suck, and cheapen her entire character climax from the final war arc.

Man, that would suck.

It would suck even more, if the reason that happened, was due to the author not wanting to piss off the shippers that shipped the target of her affection with his former abuser and bully who tried to get him to kill himself.

This was a terrible way to end the series, not due to directly sucking, the way Attack on Titan, or bleach's endings did... but instead due to committing SO HARD to resolving NOTHING, that it flipped all the way around to being INFURIATING in how much it REFUSED to give ANY character who's final resolution would probably have involved shipping, that its pisses you off, because it means that everything that these characters were building towards had no resolution.

The only real exception was Iida, and in his case its just obviously clear that Hori just did not care to give him a climax. for everyone else though?

Hori's decision to not wanting to go through what Kishimoto went through after Naruto's final chapter might be understandable, but it also means that his already rocky final arc ended wastly lesser in quality than it could have.

[alicenpai]

lost and found children stickers - coming soon... very happy to get some more original merch underway!! learn more about my ocs, if you want, sketch below + some lore tidbits!!

i would love to become more of an original artist over time but putting ocs out there feels like im running out into the world nude LMAO T__T my ocs are so personal to me, and i put pieces of myself in all of them, that it feels so nerve wracking to post.. one day a comic will come..

funnily enough i started this sheet back in june but didnt have time until off-con season to finish em.. i really want to be like those crazy oc creators with 129045894589 illustrations and little trinkets of ocs. soon. some lore: trent & terence are brothers, the twins are fraternal twins (smiles). also there IS a ship in here and once i get over my embarrassment of drawing ships it's gonna be so over for you all!! (joke) i was so brazen with ships pre-2019 but i cant draw it anymore T_T

-- some trivia that didn't make the cut, i was gonna turn this into an info sheet but i couldn't fit all this text in the layout. sorry the trivia is a bit snarky im in a big sam & max phase right now

--

☀

Melissa of Giacosa (name pending??) Age: 30 Height: 5'4" (WITH heels) Gender: F Occupation: Noble/ scholar/ philanthropist

Helpfulness: 5 Occultic knowledge: 5

A general people pleaser, and excellent at reading people, but sometimes the responsibilities are all too much… sometimes a girl just wishes to watch the world burn!

--

✨

Flynn & Nate of Medeis (real names unknown) Age: 17 Height: 5'6", 5'3" (respectively) Gender: M & F twins Birthday/Asc: Nov 25 (Sagittarius) Occupation: Travellers/ scholars

Luck: 1 Resourcefulness: 5

Uh oh… beware these theatre kids. As travelling magicians (LICENSED), they bring smiles and laughter to all throughout the land. No one really knows who they are, where they're from, or… how many germs they have.

--

🎹

Terence Nightingale Age: 18 Height: 5'8" (looks shorter due to posture) Gender: M Birthday/Asc: Feb 11 (Aquarius) Occupation: Pianist

Fame: 5 Energy level: 2

Knowing the taste of fame at a young age, Terence now has to carry that burden into adult life. Will age turn prodigy into mediocrity? Will he be crushed under a piano? Will he let himself be sandwiched between twenty bedsheets and a pea?!?! Find out in the next exciting episode…

--

🖋

Jack Lockhart Age: 25 Height: 5'7" Gender: M Birthday/Asc: Jan 3 (Capricorn) Occupation: Historian

Knowledge: 4 Strength: 4

With a sharp wit and tongue, and an even sharper blade, it might be best to steer clear of this one. Unfortunately, cats like him, so he never gets any peace, ever. --

🧵

Noa (real name unknown) Age: 17 Height: 5'1" Gender: F Birthday/Asc: Oct 30 (Scorpio) Occupation: Seamstress

Scornful gaze: 5 Fashion sense: 5

The word "smile" does NOT exist in her vocabulary. Blending old trends with the new, Noa is an up-and-coming innovator in the world of textiles and fashion. But what tricks does she have up her sleeve… literally?

--

🔬

Trent Nightingale Age: 25 Height: 6'2" Gender: M Birthday/Asc: Jun 1 (Gemini) Occupation: Biologist

Knowledge: 4 Gift of gab: 5

A rock that ties people together-type of personality, and tries to get along with everyone, maybe to his own detriment. Trent has an unassuming look, but is quite the scholar - he can often be seen with his nose in a book or scribbling away, disappointing those who vie for his attention more as a social butterfly.

[chiiyuuvv]

• WORD COUNT — 1k • AUTHOR'S NOTE — cute idea i had but had no intentions writing it.. so enjoy my bullet points!!

It all started when you were first introduced to the friend group, catching sungchans attention immediately at you shy but reserved aura

But all that shyness flutters away when sungchan musters up the courage to talk to you, quickly learning that you two have similar interests, along with living near each other

And so a friendship blooms. You and sungchan get closer while your new (his) friends tease the couple, saying how obvious you liked each other, yet you always shooed the idea off

Its a few months later when sungchan suggests that you go to a party with him. Sungchan loved meeting new people and acting 'crazy', and plus, youre always stuck in your room. "you gotta get out more," he'd bump your shoulder as you walked to class

And you're almost sure that you'll tell sungchan no, until he sends you a big pair of puppy eyes, bring his hands together with a pout.. he was almost on his knees. You hate him for it, showing up at the blasting house after school hours

"You came!!" He would gasp as he opens the door, clapping his hands proudly as he leads you inside

But despite sungchans warm welcome, you found yourself uncomfortable about the amount of people, leaving the house to get some quiet air

And although you tell him to stay inside, enjoy the party, hes right behind you, refusing to leave your side

You open up to him, saying the reason why you were so quiet, the reason why you hated being around people was because of your past school. You were constantly ignored no matter how many times you tried to make friends, so over time you shut down, finding comfort with being by yourself

Sungchans a very clear extrovert, so when you say that you didnt have any friends, his heart immediately breaks. He starts apologizing even though he didnt do anything at all, feeling so bad about your misfortune that he swears that he'd be with you no matter what

Hes also confused onto why you were so okay about it. The only that felt your lips was a sad chuckle, he would have been crying in your shoes. So he stops walking, being out his arms. "Need a hug?" You almost run into his arms, tucking your head into his chest as he rubs your back, still saying how sorry hes feeling

And after that day, sungchan was your best friend. Someone you could talk to no matter the mood. Someone you cherished ♡

YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE?! AHAHAHAH

Now, sungchans friends are really sure that you at least like each other, even in the slightest

But you're both persistent. Sungchan didn't want to be wrong and you didnt want to assume anything, as you both really enjoyed each others company, and was not about to risk it for some stupid feelings

But the boys are sick and tired of your endless pinning, pulling sungchan aside when youre in the bathroom and telling him how much sungchan is in love with you

And after the several points they made, suddenly everything clicks. The amount of time and effort sungchan put into your relationship, the boys were finally making sense

And since hes aware of his feelings, hes a little shy, avoiding your eyes so he doesnt stare at you lovingly and embarrass himself. When youre not looking he'd finally turn to your direction, a smile on his face as he watches your side profile glow

Sungchan starts to get some desires. It isnt creepy or sexual in any way; he just wants to cuddle you and hug you and squish your cheeks. But most importantly he wants to kiss you. So bad. Like soo bad

Sungchan randomly calls you to walk around the park that was nearby your houses, worry taking over you as he normally calls ahead of time

He starts complaining about how he feels sick. But not sick sick, love sick. He's found this girl that hes head over heals for, someone he wanted to spend his life with, someone that was you. But you didnt know he was talking about you, your heart going into void as he continues to rant about the nameless girl

Before he can reveal the identity, hes called home, giving you a quick hug because you made him feel better

But he made you feel bad

You spend the night and early morning crying your eyes out. You wanted to push away your broken heart, just be happy for the boy but you just cant. You felt broken

Sungchan comes to school happier than usual, ready to see your pretty face that was.. frowning..?? And avoiding him.. did he do something wrong?

Its only when hes talking to wonbin that he realizes hes the source to your problem, sending you a quick text to meet him at the park, same time

He continues to talk about his nameless crush, watching you hold back your tears as he just couldnt take it anymore.

"Whats wrong?" He whispers, pulling you close as he begins to wipe your tears away. He gets a little angry when you keep refusing to talk to him, telling him repeatedly that everythings alright when youre face is close to a rivers

So he apologizes, which makes you feel confused, as he smashes his lips onto yours

"You.. you're the girl I've been talking about." He lightly strokes your cheek, his eyes watering at thought of making you cry over him. "I should have told you sooner.. im so sorry for making you wait." He'd pull you into a hug, his voice cracking. He really feels so bad

After telling him plenty of times that its alright, that he didnt do this intentionally, you suggest that he comes over for dinner, so you can talk (kiss) about this more

It all started when hes interacting and laughing with your parents and siblings, feeling so connected and happy that you felt your heart warm of joy, knowing that hes the one. And with his very obvious glances, you can confirm that he feels the same ♡

[lemon-wedges]

Hello!!! I love your art and your style. I'd love to hear your inspirations behind how you draw and, in addition, hear a bit about your painting process (I love the impressionistic look your paintings have)

ahh!!! thank you so much ;u;

Ill tried my best to break down my thought process behind my drawing, so i hope this all makes sense aahaha

undercut cause it came out real long

SO Karl Gnass is an instructor that i took an anatomy class with. and who broke down anatomy in a way that really helped me grasp space. like space a figure occupies. and from that i think my characters feel a bit more...grounded? im not sure what the right word would be but tangible is something people sometimes say about my art.

And i do think when youre able to make a figure look like its really wrapping its hands around something it makes character interactions a lot more intimate.

heres a few under sketches i do when i start a drawing (i am trying REALLY hard not to use my nsfw ones tho those are pretty perfect when it comes to showing u anatomy RIP)

after i got the poses done ill turn down the opacity and rough sketch out details on top of these. and once THATS done i move onto lineart. and the most important aspect of this step is NOT TO TRACE YOUR UNDER DRAWING!!!! thats what sucks the life out of your work!!!!

instead you use your undersketch as a guide. ilI actually redraw the simple anatomy underneath very lightly, erase where they over lap and then add line weight variety + darken up the details.

examples of this are gonna look a little messy but. Left is the original pose i drew out with rough details. right is the drawing i do on top of it. you'll see theyre not one to one and theres some lines i didnt fully erase out when redoing the anatomy. i find my clean up has a lot more energy when i do this.

the thing about my style is that you'll notice i never actually do actual clean smooth lineart. and thats because i HATE DOING THAT SHIT. like i did learn how to do it and consistently forced myself to do it for over a year. and while i do think i learned a lot about line weight and drawing clearer. i realized? its just not for me. I like a textured brush and i like being able to see those small lines i didnt get to fully erase out because i think they look cool lol and thats ok!! do what you want forever man!!! its your art!!!

Also before i move onto painting ill show you this neat little trick. you know those more "loose" drawings of mine that feel more gestural? the begining process is exactly the same. the difference is i use a chunkier pen and try to see how much i can simplify details + just feel out the energy of lines

NOW PAINTING.

man. where to even start.

the thing about painting is that its an entire different set of skills that need to each be honed on their own and will slowly build up together. ill break it down like this.

VALUE, COLOR, and TECHNIQUE

I've said this on another ask before but you'll notice ill do a lot of black and white sketches. and i do that to practice choosing how to group values.

like this example. how light is laios' wolf coat compared to his skin? or kabrus skin color compard to laios coat. when do you want to really push the contrast of light and dark and when do you let values be closer to each other when you DONT want attention

the next step from this is adding a light source.

and when you're working in black and white its a lot easier to pay more attention where you want your light/how its gonna look like hitting youre characters and how far youre gonna push your shadows.

and you know if you get good at this you can play with limited color palletes

this is literally just be picking out blues and hitting the bottom with the gradient tool to light it up

NOW COLOR

is a lot harder and also very subjective. I do a ton of impressionist studies where i just color pick the fuck out of a piece to see what colors masters used + knowing the history of paint and what colors were available during that time period. +knowing what colors = what mood + knowing what colors to use when you want to be more realistic vs when you want to lean into more stylized+ what colors YOU specially incline towards + AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

its a lot and im actually still learning myself

But when i do a painting i collect a LOT of refrences of the kind of mood i want my own painting to feeling like. I've show the first example in another ask before but heres one from my latest labru too

WHen i actually start a painting tho they look like this. The top drawings are just flat colors with a simple outline of where i want the light to be hitting. like in my value studies im just trying to get the idea down, seeing what values need to be darker vs what is lighter. and how the light source covers the character.

figuring this out in the begining makes the rest of the painting so much easier because youve essentially made all the big compostion decisions NOW. from here you can start playing with colors.

my second stage, youll see with drawings at the bottom, is when i start using my texture brush to lay in extra shadows and just play with variety.

and then? i start rendering

that would be TECHNIQUE

And well....thats also something thats gonna be very subjective.

With my own style im not interested in rendering everything to perfection. Im trying to figure out how to texture hair/skin/clothes in ways that make them feel like the materials they are while also showing the energy of my brushstrokes.

I dont zoom in while i paint btw. everything i do is zoomed out so i can see the entire drawing. it helps me not tight up my strokes while also letting me build up all areas of the painting equally. the only time i zoom in is when im lining out the eyes/mouth of a character. and yeah. it drives me insane doing this because ITS SOOOOO Tempting to obsess over paint 1 area forever then zoom out and see that nothing matches lol

The other thing about my style of painting. Is that im not gonna use the exact same formula for every piece. like this isnt cell shading. you can have an idea of how to texture skin/clothes/hair and sometimes it looks great and beautiful in one painting and then it looks like shit in another. ive overhauled a lot of paintings multiple times because what i thought would work doesnt and ive had to force myself to explore and play with my brushstrokes. and you know? i wouldnt have it any other way. it means none of my paintings are gonna look alike! and i think thats pretty cool :D

ill leave you with this in the end. a painting im in the middle of doing and debating to overhaul cause im just not feeling the strokes. who knows what ill look like in the end

anyways i hope this helped a little? even if you look at all this and go. IM NEVER GONNA DRAW LIKE THIS BOZO ahahah

BUT I WISH YOU LUCK ON YOUR OWN ARTS :DDDD

[scribbaly]

Here, With You

fandom: criminal minds, Hotch x Rossi

an: inspired by these lovely headcanons from @ticklishraspberries! i desperately needed to write about these two old men. this is a very brief fic that i feel like i could bulk up a bit, but my motivation dwindled with some real life stuff and i didnt want this to collect dust, so enjoy! again, i welcome feedback as long as we're kind about it c:

It’s hard to think about every domino effect that leads to the specific moment you’re in right now. Even as a highly skilled FBI profiler, Aaron Hotchner couldn’t trace the exact moments that led to him being tangled in David Rossi’s bedsheets.

It happened slowly and then all at once. Of course when Rossi joined the team, they were fresh off the loss of Jason, and they weren’t the most welcoming bunch. But eventually they all fell into their rhythm. And the two men were drawn to each other, being the two oldest on the team. They would room together while away on a case and started to build their relationship from there. Hotch began to confide in Rossi when his marriage was starting to really have its troubles. Rossi would be as supportive as possible while quipping about his personal track record and how he might not be the best to offer advice. Regardless, he was always a shoulder for Hotch to lean on. 

After Haley passed, David felt like the only person Aaron could be around. He never pitied him, never was awkward, never tried to make Aaron feel any sort of way. David let Aaron be while also helping him to grieve. Kept him from drowning himself in his work. It was a delicate dance, but they knew each other so well that it didn’t feel like effort. 

And so lines began to blur, and drinks after work led to a first kiss in Rossi’s car, which brought them to right now.

Aaron breathed in the scent of David’s cologne that lingered in the sheets. The gentle rising of his chest as he inhaled caused David to stir. He peaked an eye open and squinted up at Aaron, “You couldn’t let me sleep in on our off day?” His voice gravelly. 

The other agent chuckled as Dave snuggled closer against his chest. “Sorry, tough habit to break.”

“Can I convince you to go back to bed?” David asked, angling his head so that he could place a kiss on Aaron’s jaw. He hummed, “I don’t know… It seems like a gorgeous day. I wouldn’t want to waste it.” He tried to hide his smile as David adjusted his position to hold on to Aaron tighter, nuzzling into the space between his neck and shoulder.

Aaron stilled as the hair of Dave’s goatee brushed against his skin. He could feel Rossi’s grin along with it.

The team never shied away from tickle fights. Any excuse to bring levity and a sense of togetherness was never passed up. But Hotch always stayed on the outskirts with Rossi, often adding commentary to the fray of laughter. It wasn’t until one drunk makeout session when Rossi found out just how ticklish Hotch was. The alcohol and kissing made his defenses slip, couple that with Rossi’s need to be handsy, and the older agent had Aaron giggling in no time. While sober, Hotch had a better grip of blocking out the sensations. Except for his neck.

And boy did Dave exploit the hell out of it.

Aaron let out a shaky breath, “Dave…” He warned, a laugh already bubbled at the back of his throat which removed all malice from his tone.

“Aaron…” David mocked, kissing and rubbing his face against the sensitive skin. 

Hotch’s mouth snapped shut, letting out little huffs of hair through his nose as he tried to quell the sensations. But when Rossi added his wiggling fingers to the mix, the dam broke loose. He let out a loud bark of a laugh that quickly spiraled into teetering giggles as he tried to squirm away, craning his neck back. Of course, Rossi followed. His grip around Hotch kept the agent firmly in place which allowed Dave to keep his face where he wanted it. 

“Five. More. Minutes.”  Each word accentuated with a raspberry that, when paired with the stubble, had Hotch descending into a fit of breathy cackles. 

“Ohohokay! OKAY! I yieheheheld!” 

Aaron breathed deeply as Rossi’s fingers stilled and he lifted his head, “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Residual laughter still tumbled out of Hotch as he regained his composure. “I wihihill find your spots. Mahahark my words.” He pointed a threatening finger at David but the way his brown eyes sparkled with mirth had David chuckling. “GIve it your best shot.”

For the time being, Aaron simply laid in Rossi’s arms and silently thanked whatever domino effects brought him to this moment.

[kurosstuff]

EWPWLSJA I HAVE TO MAKE IT BEFORE THE EVENT CLOSES 🍯

*ahem* hello, how are you?

Lute x bottom!reader with nsfw prompts 3 and 4? (If you could fit prompt 1 that'd be ideal but i don't want to be too complicated)

Congratulations on your followers!!!!

HELP HI- I'm good♡ how are you~?

I hope you enjoy these fics♡♡

Warning(s): slight? Dirty talk? Maybe idk. Smut, gn reader but afab(so female parts), making out

Not sure ir you didnt want it a gn or a female reader so- I'll do gn♡

Also I wanted to do something a bit fun? The ending is up to you- thought it'd be a fun idea?

Lute x gn!reader

Sweet gentle kisses.

That's all that started this- just a gentle kiss to Lutes lips, not even aware of the sudden switch in her. How she grabbed you roughly pinning you to her bed practically growling against your lips. Getting lost in the kisses you both shared. How your tounges battled one another- Lute smug groaning for winning the "competition" each time.

Didn't take long for her hips to grind against yours, bucking into you- humping you like an animal. Dragging a deep moan from your lips as she finally pulled away to allow you to breath air before moving to nip- bite, marking up your neck roughly. Claiming you in a physical sense. To warn off others.

Your hers

"Fuck~" you gasped out breathlessly, feeling hot yet cold somehow. Glancing down at your front face, burning harder. When did your shirt come off? Almost bare for her greedy eyes to scan over "d-dont just stare~" you stuttered out feeling shy under her hungry gaze making her hum

Leaning close, biting at your chest undoing your pants for her- after getting the go ahead. "You look so good spread out like this for me dove~ good enough to devore whole ~" she purred, kissing your bruised lips, "which~? That's what I'm gonna do~" she growled out rubbing you gently, panting heavily

Gently pushing her finger in relishing in the groan- the squeak in your voice - as you shakily held her shoulders, clinging to her tightly "gonna make you feel so fucking good~" pushing one finger fully into you pumping slowly "make you break under me in the best way possible~"

Not even a second later, she added a second kissing the tears welling in your eyes "it's too much~" you whined gasping our feeling her add a third "wait~ lute~ too- too many~ can't handle three~" you choked out but spread your legs more for her feeling her pound into you rougher "wait~ please slow~ stop~?"

Humming, she stopped her movements at that rubbing your waist, watching you carefully, knowing if you truly wanted her to stop? You'd say your safe word. Which, She always looks out for everytime your intimate. No matter what

"You were just crying for my attention, sweetheart~ now your begging me to stop? you sure that's what you want~?" She smirked out cooing at how you tried to rut back into her hand "go on. Tell me pretty Dove~ or? Should I stop. And leave you like this so painfully turned on wanting.. no begging for that release~?" Lute purred out, humming softly

"No~" you choked out sobbing, looking up at her shakily, making her hum roughly watching your every reaction.

"That's My good pet~" she growled out, purring against your neck, relishing in those cries you let out. How you sobbed for her. How you cried begging her for more. "Oh dove~ I'll give you my all~" she purred out, kissing you deeply pounding rougher into you listening to your cries for her

"Oh~ right there~? Please~?" You sobbed out once she found your sweet spot humming she easily shifted pounded into that spot roughly smirking at the sobs escaping your throat "oh- oh god lute im~ I'm gonna~" you gasped out making her hum pounding rougher

"Go on. Cum for me dove ~"

At that? You clawed her shoulders, accidently squeezing your eyes shut, sobbing out cumming all over her hand- slumping onto her bed shaking moaning watching her wings expand smug at how hard you came from her

"That's my good pet~" purring out kissing a deep bite on your neck, humming out softly "maybe.. maybe I should court you properly?" Gently cleaning you up thinking aloud

Gasping softly, "My lute~, you want to take me on as a lover? Your mate?" You panted out breathlessly, watching hee stop in thought before nodding.

"Yeah. I do. I want you as a mate~ so? What do you say? Can I court you?' She hummed out watching you carefully

[aidlyncanon]

this is my first actual tumblr post since idk what to do but ive had this idea in my head for a while and I wanted to share 🤗

so heres what I think each sbg characters love languages are. I wanted to include both the love language they express towards other and the type that resonates? with them when expressed by others. i dont know how to word that but I hope itll make sense 🙏

if it's inaccurate im sorry im not great at wording but i did try and make it at least a bit accurate which is hard when im unsure to most of these

𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐋𝐘𝐍 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄/𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄?

— I feel like this may be the only one that properly fits Ashlyn. I could see her maybe also liking acts of service but i cant exactly explain why.

Maybe its because I think its also what she would do for others that I think it would fit. Like I said maybe acts of service like people doing little things to make her life easier.

I have a headcanon that Taylor or Ben has things in their bags for the others (total mom friends) so imagine her shock when she found out someone had ear plugs in their bag incase she needed them?

you get where im going with this?

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄

— I take little to no criticism on this. I can't imagine Ashlyn's being anything else. If she tried getting a gift she'd probably take too long wondering if theyd actually use it. Physical touch is a meh, she doesnt hate it but it wouldnt be her favourite. She said herself she isnt the best with words.

Her gift to people is just her presence. She'd be the type to occasionally need quiet but wouldn't mind being in comfortable silence with someone she likes. I feel like quality time would be her way of showing she cares for someone.

𝐀𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐊

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: ???

— This is an idk because im basing these off of what we know about their background and character but we know like nothing so everything about this is based off of pure theory.

The only canon part i can mention is that during his conversation with Ashlyn at the school he mentioned how since he moved around a lot he never really had a true bond with anyone.

"You seemed like the type to only get close with people who mean something to you."

So Aiden didnt just want someone he could feel attached to, he also wanted to feel cared for. Its a two way street with him.

While I could see him loving physical touch as I doubt he got enough of that as a child and he clearly loves being touchy with people I feel like with what we know I could argue really any love language. He'd probably take anything if it makes him feel cared for.

I found a picture of a chart saying "your love language may show what you lacked as a child" and he checked every box so he's fucked.

I ultimately want to settle with physical touch as he seemed shocked when Ashlyn initiated the hug likely due to being the one to always initiate them. Like above he probably just wants his efforts reciprocated.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐏𝐇𝐘𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇

— Self explanatory we see him being touchy with Ashlyn. He also put his hand on Tyler (idk if this is still fast pass if it is my apologies).

"he did that as a stay away from my girl" stfu. 🤗

𝐁𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐊

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— I take ZERO criticism on this.

Were all aware how bad his bullying was so I doubt he heard anything nice about him.

The main thing that makes me believe this is that every time he gets complimented or something nice said about him he gets sort of flustered and blushes.

This ^ was ben after Ashlyn complimented his bandaging job. A small compliment I know but even after what taylor said about him opening up he blushed there too.

You can't deny it means a lot to him he probably thought about those for a while.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐆𝐈𝐅𝐓 𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆

— I talked about this in a discord server briefly but I want to share it here. You know the quote "the quieter you are the more you hear"? Well thinking of that ive come up w the idea that Ben likely is more observant compared to most people.

Hed be the one to notice if someone was looking at something for a while in a store or hear it pass in conversation. Make a mental or physical note of it and get it for them.

I just imagine him being the type to be like "i know you like this" or "this reminded me of you". I feel like he wouldnt be the greatest at expressing it in many other ways so he resorts to getting people things.

Hes also pretty artsy so I can also just imagine him making people little things for them.

Like, tyler taught him guitar? gets tyler a new pick. Logan looking at something in the store? need to remember that. and so on

𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐀𝐍 𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃𝐒

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— Similar to Ben's. I could maybe see quality time being important to him as he hasnt had many people want to stick around him.

I mean his parents didnt want him and barrons group are just assholes so spending time with someone who genuinely cares for him? Doing an activity he enjoys? Hes over the moon.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄

— I can see him wanting to help people, i mean he helped Noah (the guy who barron replaced him with). I can imagine him doing little things for the group and people he loves.

He might get a bit embarrassed if confronted about it but ultimately hed do it again.

𝐓𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐙

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄???

— This is up in the air but I feel like it fit her the best? I imagine after her dad dying at a young age she grew up knowing that time with people is limited and can end at any moment.

So i can imagine her really appreciating someone spending one-on-one of just personal time with her. But i can also just see her appreciating any type.

My thing is I can imagine her being happy with receiving anything as long as someone had her best interest at heart then she'd become the happiest girl ever.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— Another give in, she does it ALL THE TIME. Its literally her defining feature. Shes very good with words and likes making others feel better about themselves. Seeing people perk up from her words would be enough to make her own day better.

I imagine she too, like tyler, had to be there for her mom a lot. So she probably learnt it from that experience. I also imagine her want to make people happier stemmed from seeing Tyler slowly lose interest in everything around him and wanting to be able to be the person who could make his day just a bit better.

Though like above I could see taylor doing things she knows mean the most of others. Like the moment she realized Ben likes words of affirmations she made sure to compliment him a bit more. After realizing Ashlyn likes quality time she would find a way to do that while also not overwhelming Ashlyn, say a movie or just going on a walk. Shed make an effort to make people happy based off of what they love the most.

𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐙

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄

— Tyler spent his entire childhood taking care of people so imagine how he would react to being taken care of for once.

I figure like at first hed be a bit reluctant however I think ultimately it would mean a lot to him to not have to always be rhe one taking care of others but being able to rest for once.

Like idk how to word it but I think it fits him, I could also see MAYBE words of affirmation? since he did want that when Logan Ashlyn and Ben found him but then again I dont blame him he was literally sitting bleeding.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄?

— This one has a question mark since im not sure. Taking care of others has just became nature to him, its his factory settings. Its not something he like goes and does to get people interested its just natural to him.

I dont think its something he'd do specifically to express care, he'd likely be unaware how much it could mean to someone since its just life to him.

Im not too sure what his would actually be MAYBE quality time again similar to Taylors in the sense that he knows just how fast someone can lose their lives so he likely would appreciate someone wanting to actually spend time with him.

Even if he wouldnt admit it.

If these are inaccurate then I apologize I did try to make them as accurate as I could but wording my thoughts isnt something i'm great at.

Most of these im unsure of but I wanted to talk about anyway so idk gimme ur opinions on them id love to hear them esp since im unsure for half of these :)

[gizkasparadise]

final leg of a journey to love thoughts!! (eps 35-40). this got so gd long so under a cut it goes. spoilers, of course:

PLOT STUFF/PACING

pacing for the plot definitely got shredded in the last chunk, which is a damn shame because otherwise i've been finding the pacing pretty much perfect. eps 35-37 in particular felt like they could have been like a 10 episode arc. ep 38, which mostly dealt with wu palace politics, should have been cut or streamlined imo and more time given to the characters we've actually been riding along with the whole story. by the time we get back to the pregnant empress, prince danyang, the first prince whose name i dont even remember, and the prime minister, i do not care about any of them and i think this subplot was simply just trying to fit too much shit into one bag

that said, this show still let the emotional moments hit and breathe and linger. i love the grief for the fallen liudao comrades as we go, as well as the less heavy but still emotionally important moments like yang ying and tongguan bonding over their upbringing. and we got a wedding /;3;/!!! for this show, the relationships and characters matter more than the storyline so im not mad about anything at all

side note: it's so gd millennial to have a story about a bunch of 30 something year olds who want to fake their deaths and retire into obscurity but instead they go and die for a boss they hate

CHARACTER STUFF

this show consistently brought a lot of depth to its side characters (and side side characters!!). i said it in an earlier post, but it bears repeating that even someone like deng hui i didnt expect anything from, but he got such good development and writing that he became a stealth fave. his dying words essentially being "dude, quit fucking around" ? iconic.

i didnt like tongguan as much as everyone else, so im pretty meh about everything regarding him. the attempt to force-wed ruyi was tonally really weird and didnt make sense (i assume there was some cuts made surrounding it). but LOL at him reusing all the outfits and decor immediately for his wedding to yang ying. baby duke, you tacky motherfucker. i ultimately think yang ying deserves better than him, but the good thing is that she knows this, so she'll be able to hold her own and then some entering into this partnership

shisan really was the heart in a lot of ways--the mom to yuanzhou's dad for the liudao. i was not expecting him to break my heart the way he did, but the fact that he held both qian zhao and sun lang as they died and then tried his best to remove yuan lu from harm and saved chu yue and was just very much a nurturer all the way through got me. his character couldve been cheap comic relief but the writing + performance really elevated him into one of the (imo) most memorable wuxia characters. his line wondering who would get to behead his beautiful skull!!! and how his mantra was always that he was going to drink the best wine, see the most beautiful women, and make the best of friends and he dies having lost the ability to see and having just had wine in memory of qian zhao, yuan lu, and sun lang. like. shut up!!

ruyi and yuanzhou were both so great and they're gonna be the drama OTP to beat forever. i loved the gender reversals, that they both were so respectful of each other, and that they also felt very mature in how they handled things and communicated. they were really interesting characters both together and apart and that's always a win-win. they had a schroedinger's ending where it's not super clear if they're alive or dead (i interpreted it as the latter), but what's kind of beautiful is that either option is satisfying to me. if they both died, they're reunited and with their comrades and the story is truly about the journey and the meaningful short connections we have. if they both survived, it's a bookend with the beginning where they each faked their deaths to escape. A+

COSTUMING

i gotta just separately mention the costuming for this show because it was 15/10. the textures, shisan's accessories, the way red became integrated with yuanzhou's wardrobe and blue with ruyi's. the details on the liudao name amulets!! SO GOOD. i love when characters' clothes tell a story on their own

overall i just really loved this drama it is probably my favorite wuxia ive seen so far! it's gonna be in my brain for awhile lol feel free to send fic prompts if you've made it this far :'D

[neptune-scythe]

deleted and rewording my previous post since most people totally missed my point and didn't like my wording ... which i worded it very intentionally to be disruptive and make you go "oh damn i never thought of that that's awful wow" instead of the general reaction of "oh damn i never thought of that and i'm never going to think about that and you're awful for mentioning it"

so here goes

something that the show and, from what i've seen, the fandom as well have glossed over is the effect killing Doug would have on Maddie. yes she absolutely made the right choice in that moment and was incredibly brave for doing so and she knows that. but that doesn't take away from what the action of taking a life has on ones mind.

no one can ever be 100% certain about anything, especially something huge and traumatic like that, so there will probably always be some part of her, however tiny and minuscule that wonders if that really was the only option, or if it's not somehow a reflection of who she is as a person ... which her conscious mind will know these thoughts aren't truth, that she made the best decision she could and that she only did what she had to do to survive ... and that Doug was the one who made that situation absolute, that it was either kill or be killed for both of them.

But we've even seen her see herself as a danger and a threat to the people she loves (running away after Jee slipped under the water because Maddie didn't think it was safe for her to be around her daughter anymore), and while that is a common enough symptom of depression to feel/think that way, it could also be in part to the fact that she'd killed Doug.

Objectively the situations are vastly different, but trauma has a way of skewing objectivity and defying logic and rationality but making just enough sense that you can't quite seem to dismiss it.

And add onto that the fact that Maddie was blamed for literally everything for her entire marriage, and even in childhood to a certain extent (her parents immediately saying "what did you do to him" when Buck crashed his bike) and the kind of guilt that burrows deep inside you because of that. Even just before she killed Doug he was blaming her for "forcing him to stab Chimney", for pushing him to kill the gas station worker and for hurting her. She's known nothing but blame and guilt for years.

And while yes by that time she's healed some from that and realized that it isn't her fault, especially the people he killed or tried to kill, but that doesn't mean she can just dismiss it, especially so soon after leaving him and breaking free of that abuse.

but per the point of my previous post that I deleted

the show really only mentioned the effects of that in the one episode and only in three comments, "everything gets worse for you if he dies", "I killed someone I used to love, I'll never be free of that", "I just really needed to talk about how i really feel about killing my husbasnd", and then just ... didn't mention it ever again.

but that kind of trauma doesn't just go away, and while yes by now she's healed and overcome that and is living her life and thriving with her family, that doesn't mean the trauma is just magically gone. healing is not linear, and that is something I notice fandom spaces don't like the idea of generally. the concept that a healed character might still get triggered or experience doubts or fears caused by that trauma. and that's something that I think we should be talking about more instead of the seemingly majority view that healing means the trauma is magically gone and will never effect you ever again.

but to circle back to the original post

it was about the idea that sometimes that doubt and fear ... that trauma, might come back, it might tell Maddie that she didnt act out of self defense, that she's just a killer... and that she might kill Chimney too. which obviously we can all agree is something that is completely false, but trauma has a way of getting inside your brain and gaslighting you, making you doubt everything you thought you knew, it may very well make her doubt the intention of her actions, or make her wonder if that action was really a reflection of who she is as a person deep down.

which again, obviously is entirely false, she was absolutely justified in her actions and it was showing her bravery and tenacity and strength, not making her a horrible or dangerous person. and definitely not some kind of omen or fate that she's trapped in

but her mind ... her trauma, might tell her it is. and she might almost believe it

maybe that was part of why she went to the ocean, and why she left for Boston, because her trauma told her she'd killed Doug and now she'd almost killed her daughter, and that was a pattern, and a sign of her true self ... and maybe she believed it. In the state she was in mentally it would be very hard to challenge that thought, to remind herself that it wasn't true.

especially given she's struggled with depression since the age of 9 or 10, and never had a safe space or the tools to process the loss of her brother, and then basically having to raise Buck while still being a child herself, and going right from that into an abusive marriage. she's been in survival mode pretty much her entire life, struggling with grief and guilt and trauma that she never had the chance to actually work through and process until after she left Doug, which makes fighting the lies her traumas tell her all the more challenging

but the point of the post was yes we all praise and talk about how strong and courageous and brave she is for going through all the horrible things she has and moving on and thriving and living her life, and we all want to see her continue to thrive and be happy and healthy and living the best life she can

but that trauma is a part of her, the messy aftermath of that is still a part of her and to a certain extent probably always will be, and denying that is denying a huge part of her as a person. and that doesn't take away from her strength at all or mean that she hasn't healed. it just means she's a human who has been through some awful circumstances that she didn't deserve and she came out the other side and is refusing to let it ruin her, but it will always be a part of her, that trauma, no matter how healed she is, and that's okay. because she has healed, she is healing, she's moving on and living her life. and she deserves every bit of that and more.

but I think the messy sides of trauma, the doubts and irrational fears and straight up lies it makes one believe is just as worthy of talking about as the perseverance and strength of overcoming that trauma. the type of things that are taboo, the things that people told me were disgusting to even think about, they are real things that real people experience and there is no reason why it should be such an awful impossible concept to believe that a person might doubt themselves and have their mind and traumas tell them horrible lies about themselves. such is life, such is the human experience, the traumatized experience. and it deserves talking about