#also i cried less than that person so idek what that was about

[naamahdarling]

I was shocked to my literal core when someone told me they thought I was manipulative and, when I asked why they would say that, cited me crying during extreme emotional distress.

Like, I'm sorry my instinctive response to pain is to cry about it? I try to contain it as best I can and still hear you out even when it hurts so bad? If I wanted to manipulate you, I wouldn't choose tears? Trust me. If for some reason I want to play someone like a fiddle, I wouldn't choose a response I cannot control!

Y'know, some people do have a strong crying response to stress, and they might cry (even against their own will) when faced with an upsetting situation and that doesnt mean they are “gaslighting” or “manipulating” you.

There are people who use crying as a manipulation tactic? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that every person that cries during a heated argument is trying to get under your skin. They have their own emotions and issues, and frankly, not everything other people do is a personal attack on you.

[cutielights]

Hey pookie!! I luv ur work sm and I was wondering if u could do a rottmnt boys x spider woman reader ab them reacting to her stopping a collider like miles did? Idek if u watched into the spider verse but maybe something like that if not u could wing it if you'd like tysm hope u have a good day/night! ❤️

>>:] yes. For the purposes of writing, im going to act as if you were a spider person for at least a year before this. Not supposed to be Miles’ story, but pretty similar (if that makes sense)

i waNT THE THIRD MOVIE. Frikin dying of miles morales deprivation over here, hand over the sunflower boy with in tact parents

@moonchhu THE OTHER SPIDER PERSON ONE TAG LIST

That Really Big Earthquake

LEO

“Heyyyy, I haven’t seen you in twenty four hours which truly is a record for us, I missed you, did you miss me? I bet you did right? Go on tell me aaaalllll about it.”

“So, I was just kinda minding my own business, y’know, thwipping and thwapping and going about being an awesome hero when I bumped into myself? Kinda. They looked like me, but they were different, and didn’t look like me, but, I knew they were me! Because my spider sense went off and they could do stuff I could do, but also some different stuff! And then we freaked out for a little bit before I went to auntie May to show her and she showed me four more other me’s who were hiding out in her basement and then we tried getting them home and we had to sneak about in this fancy restaurant wearing bow ties, and we cried and they went into this collider thing, also it turns out my favourite cousin was working for the evil genius corporation and he’s dead now and it feels like my fault, I’m so totally fine don’t worry about me. Howwasyourday?”

“Haha, what.”

“Stopped the collapsing of the multiverse.”

“Oh it sounds so simple when you put it like that.” Yeah okay sarcasm queen

Made you some tea after that, let’s just, take a breath for a minute, m’kay?

He has decided it’s a self care day now, at least he did after thoroughly checking you for injuries

How you do not have a concussion will always escape him, not one broken bone? Seriously? After all that?

Please remind him you’re an actual super hero and not a pane of glass

“Wait what was that about your cousin?”

RAPH

“Hey! How was your weekend?”

“Crazier than yours.”

“Okay, Bet.”

One explanation later sponge bob narrator voice

“Wait, so you’re telling Raph, that huge earthquake that happened, happened because of you and five alternate versions of yourself?

“That’s excluding a lot of things I just told you but, I am telling Raph that, yes.”

Huge bone crushing hugs are in order, according to him at least. And I mean, is he wrong?

Not letting you out of his sight for ages, please, Raph, let them go home

“Why are you so worried? I did it, I won!”

“It’s more the fact that it happened and less the fact that you’re mostly fine.”

DONNIE

Othello Von Ryan: Stay home, S.H.E.L.LD.O.N has picked up on some strange (possibly universal fabric destroying) activity. Also there has been some earthquake activity in the area you were in yesterday, not that I have a tracker on you. Because I don’t.

Only Two Legs: I handled it don’t worry :D

Othello Von Ryan: ?

Othello Von Ryan: Traverse to My Lab.

“Heyyy Deee.”

“Stop. Explain. This better be your attempt at humor.”

There was silence for a long while after you had messily glued together words to describe the past 24 hours, before he took a deep breath.

“First, How dare you stop the multiverse from collapsing without me that’s incredible rude. Second, therapy. Third, that earthquake and power surge destroyed My Lab, thankfully I have backup backups to my backups, but I couldn’t use the internet for an hour straight.”

“Y- You’re more concerned about the internet?”

“Not what I said. Now let me check you for a concussion.”

MIKEY

“Hey they took down those art displays.”

“The what?”

“Oh you weren’t here, BUT there was these reaaaallllyyyyy cool art statues along this street! Look, hey, look, I took pics!”

“Oh cooollluuuhhh that’s not an art display that’s five different fire hydrants merged into each other.”

“Haha yeah it does kinda look like that doesn’t it? I thought it was supposed to be a dog.”

“Mikey, no-“ You pulled him aside into an empty alleyway, trying to explain what had happened over the past twenty four hours.

It was an interesting experience, but you got there eventually.

Best believe this boy is giving you the biggest hug ever, and then buying pizza.

Oh, and Dr Feelings is going to be paying you a visit. Multiple. You can’t escape him.

“So they weren’t art displays?”

Speedily bulk writing and scheduling rn bc im going on a holiday with zero internet.

[ca-suffit]

This antiblack campaign the fandom just tried to kick up again (to avoid talking about the real issue with Nalyra) reveals how powerless they're starting to truly feel now.

They don't have many users left to vilify so they're putting people on blocklists who are brand new (I was here 3 days lol) or not even really in the fandom. That looks goofy and desperate but then it keeps going. DMing strangers to say "the truth" isn't about racism and "talk to me if you really want to know about anything." Everyone's reblogging those blocklist posts now and adding large commentary suddenly, when before they often fully sat it out. They're doing this in a group to look like they have larger numbers and are "revealing" there's a "big secret bullying problem"....except nobody believes them. Because there's plenty of accounts who are out here saying this shit straight to their faces and they pretend we all don't exist. All of this group has to manufacture drama solely because they just don't want to talk about harmful shit they actually do.

Neil has to make an antiblack statement she made suddenly be about antisemitism towards her, Nalyra's antiblackness is "actually" fans upset about shipping and "what's REALLY coming" in S2, showmey0urfangs is always happy to show up with her dumb screencaps and villain monologue nobody asked for so she can make her everlasting outrage about popular black fics and "feminized" Louis sound deeper than it is, Virginia suddenly cries about IRL issues and wants to leave the fandom because she wants to distract from the Nalyra receipts, Keybearer accused another black fan of trolling people and getting accounts suspended on twitter in 2023 when a Marius fan eventually confessed to it and his eternal shame for that means now every black fan except him is a bully (despite nobody talking about this ever anymore except him), chicalepidopterare mocks a black fan for blocking her "because I thought we were supposed to talk about racism" and then poorly tries to frame any retaliation against her to look like bullying ("see, they're misogynistic, they're bullying my art, they're mean for disliking these ships!").

To quote Claudia here, "You must think me an idiot." And the big cherry on top is also how none of these losers can stand to hear any mention of race....in the fandom of the show that nonstop talks about race. They're using very basic (and meant in a gentle, loving way) teasing of Jacob as proof that black fans are racist against Jacob too, black fans hate Jacob's white wife. People hate Lestat for being white too (what?). They can write crap meta all day about Lestat letting Louis "rape" him and only white victims (Lestat) being real victims to the evil black and brown "true" manipulators (Claudia, Louis, Armand) but gentle teasing from black fans about Jacob's haircut is the real racism. Okay lol. Care to tell us again why you think Delainey's Claudia looks "less innocent" now then? This 3D chess you think you're playing isn't playing how you think for anyone else.

I also notice that afaik there's not a single black American in this group. Idek if there's many Americans of any kind in the group. It's been a lot of shaming to black Americans specifically though, again from the show that's focused on black Americans....by people who aren't black Americans.

"There's people pretending to be black so it's okay to keep hating this whole group." It's not enough you already nonstop shit on black fans as it is, now you have to try to angle it as if none of this could be authentic in the first place. Vile behavior. For what? Tumblr isn't even a platform that pays you for whatever clout you have, so really what is the point here. In a small ass fandom on top of it. Some of you have pretty grown kids too, this is extra sad. It makes all the jumping through hoops to coddle Lestat's behavior make sense though, if you're the same kind of person yourself. Anyway, maybe you don't actually know everything because race exists in the real world beyond how Anne Rice wrote about it in her useless books! You make books written by a racist white woman your whole personality and guess what your outlook on life is going to be.

It's been really pathetic to especially watch any fans of color move more to this extreme bullying side as time has gone on. It will never pay off to promote white fandom ideals. These accounts you're trying to cuddle up to aren't even that big. The fandom outside of the tags actually has much more popular posts, supporters, and fics...although that's also half of what this all is actually about, fic numbers. Again, these are grown adults obsessing over this. We could have a whole different fandom if this group didn't exist and keep wanting to gatekeep everything and be the only people who get praise about anything.

It's no surprise that people who worship Anne Rice have major ego problems themselves. It's been fucked up to deal with but the good thing now is that big egos have big collapses eventually and that's what we're starting to see happening now. People are sick of you and able to see through your basic ass manipulation techniques. People just want to have a fandom, they're not here to worship fans who want to be dictators. Nobody is here for your fragility, losers.

[remingtonisleithal]

Hang 'Em High

Pairing: vampire!Gerard x reader

Summary: part two of Cemetery Drive, Gerard fears for Y/N and they pair plot their escape

Warnings: the worst writing you may read. It's so full of quotes idek if it's original. Oh there's also mentions of bloody, vampires, bodies, stuff like that. TW: mentions of abuse and allusions to self harm

Word count: 1k

Author's Note: ... I know I said I'd write a part two... i did, but it's shit. Sorry. It's also a complete mix of songs and vibes with an underlying idea for a proper series I'll write later (let me know if you're interested)

It was 3 in the morning when Y/N heard the creaking of her bedroom window. A normal person would be scared. But Y/N enjoyed the shiver that went down her spine when she saw the shadow stretch across the floor as someone climbed through her window.

“I miss you, you know.” Gerard's voice was quiet.

“More than I miss you? Impossible.” Y/N responded. She climbed out of the covers and snuggled into Gerard's chest. It still felt wrong, how cold he was, that she could no longer hear his soothing heart beat.

But he was here. That was enough.

Gerard pulled out some slightly injured flowers from the inside of his jacket pocket. The flowers were dry and dead, but Y/N didn't mind. Decay was her favourite type of bouquet.

“How'd you manage these? Your new “friends”?” Y/N asked.

“Stole 'em from the cemetery. Don't worry, I guess technically they were mine anyway.” Gerard said with a wink.

Y/N blushed. He knew her so well.

“Anything to show you just how much you mean to me.” His voice was a hushed whisper. “This is kinda weird , but, no one has... threatened you or hurt you or anything recently, right?”

Y/N looked around suspiciously.

“No. ...Was someone supposed to? Is this about your new... I don't even know what to call them.”

“Pack. Some of us call each other family, as we're all we have, but I can't do it. They might look 16 but they're not teenagers, they're monsters. Murderers. Some of them don't do it to stay sane, it's become a game for them, hunting. I see them for the animals they are. We're a pack. No more, no less.”

Gerard released Y/N from their embrace and started to pace around the room.

“What's going on?” Y/N's tone was harsh, icy with fear.

“Well... there's been a problem. They're starting to get suspicious of me, where am I going and spending so many night, while still not bringing back any corpses.”

Fear made it's way through Y/N's veins as she tried to comprehend all her lover had seen since he died. All the things he'd done, lives he had to end. An image of a thousand bodies piled up made her shudder.

“They know I'm with a human. I come back smelling of blood sometimes,” Y/N started to shift around uncomfortably in her clothes as Gerard spoke. “No no, it's not your fault, honey, OK?”

Gerard sighed.

“It's just... the head of the group—call her Black Mariah—she's getting concerned, I've heard her whispering with others about me being a liability. They're thinking of doing something, I'm just not sure what. I promised you I'd never let them hurt you, it's just getting harder to keep that promise, without—”

“No. I know what you're going to say Gee, I would rather risk my life to see you every other night than be safe and never see you again.”

“You don't understand, that girl's not right in the brain!”

“And I am?” Y/N said. Gerard let out an exasperated sigh. “Wait. Did you say Mariah?”

“Yes, why, have you met her?” Gerard panicked.

All the colour drained from Y/N's face. “I think she's my new lab partner.”

“Fuck. Holy shit, goddammit!” Gerard cried, punching the air, ripping his suit jacket off and throwing it at the floor. “She knows, she FUCKING KNOWS.”

Y/N took a step back, frightened of her boyfriend for the first time. Gerard picked up on this.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just....” Gerard breathed hard, pacing around, before looking back at his girl with wild eyes. “What if we run? We could take to the highway. Just leave.”

“Gerard, I can't. I have to-”

“You have to what? Stay with your abusive family? Finish school to become a good little capitalist? You've been dreaming of running forever.”

Y/N looked around, unsure.

“Y/N/N, if you don't want to, we don't have to. It's entirely up to you. I just....” Gerard trailed off, looking out the his girlfriend's window to the pale moonlight. “I may not care if I live or die, but I can't handle the thought of you getting hurt.”

Y/N looked around her bedroom. The wallpaper falling from the wall. Her battle jacket in the corner. The leaking roof over her make-shift desk. The whole in the wall from when her father got mad.

She looked up at Gerard, a new fire in her eyes.

“What's your plan?”

“Run until it fades to black, run into the sunset.”

“Bullshit. It's not like you to just run. What else?”

Gerard looks around. “Do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

Gerard placed something cold, metallic and heavy in Y/N's hands.

“Tomorrow. Dusk. When the sun is gone, grab your gun and meet me by the door.”

Y/N had followed Gerard's instructions to a T. When the sun had dipped below the horizon, Y/N was outside, bag packed, gun in hand, wearing the dress her ex hates, the perfect gothic date outfit. She needed to look the part, when they arrive.

The car ride was long and silent until Gerard deemed their surroundings empty enough. He pulled over and turned to Y/N.

“Tonight... Tonight isn't gonna be pretty. I just need you to know, I love you. If it goes bad, well... Don't stop, if I fall, and don't look back.”

“Gerard, don't. I can't- I can't lose you. Not again.”

“Y/N/N, please. Don't stop, bury me. Permanently.”

Y/N looked away, and swallowed the growing lump in her throat.

“Alright. Alright. But you need to promise me this. If they get me... can you stake my heart?”

“I-”

“Please. This is what needs to happen. If you die, I will run. If I die, you need to run. If they turn me... Don't let me have to live like that. I've seen the pain it's put you through. Please.”

Gerard merely brought Y/N into his arms, pulling her close, and whispered, “I'll never let them hurt you. Not tonight.”

Neither knew who he was trying to convince.

He placed a soft kiss on her, and with that, Y/N stepped in the coffin.

Taglist: @fandomfoodiedancer @smiling-girl @sab-falco @charlie-rulerofhell @positive-pessimistic-emo I really hope this isn't too disappointing lol

[mumms-the-word]

15 Questions for 15 Friends

Tagged by @stuffforthestash

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not a real life person but my name is a Biblical name that my mom really liked. Except, when I asked her if I was named after the Bible character, she admitted that no, she really loved this one musical growing up and never got over the names of one of the characters lol So I guess I'm named after a character in a musical too

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? girl idek it could have been two days ago it could have been a week ago, my memory is a sieve. I don't cry often though

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No but I want kids one day. Adopted, fostered, biological, Ima make it happen one day

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I am...so very bad at sports. I have terrible depth perception and these days my knees will kill me if I tried anything high-intensity. I was a band kid lmao

DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sarcasm is a love language to me <3

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their...vibe? I don't know how to explain it. I sort of mentally categorize people in my head based on clothing/hairstyle/any makeup/etc and fit them temporarily into boxes like "sporty, professional, feminine, etc" until I start talking to them and get a better understanding of who they are

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? Basic blue with a bit of gray

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I can't watch scary movies because I will dream the scenarios with me in the worst possible situation :') And I hate jumpscares. Happy endings all the way tho, love a happy ending

ANY TALENTS? I can sing really well. I used to be classically trained but between getting covid twice and not keeping up with my scales and arpeggios (lol), I've lost a bit of my former range. I can also learn the words of a song in a few hours and remember it for a long time afterward (which sucks when my brain goes into Random Jukebox mode and I get a song stuck in my head that I don't even like that much but know too well)

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a nondisclosed state in the American South where most days you experience all 4 seasons at once and every summer is like living in the devil's armpit (a phrase I've heard more than once from fellow southern denizens lol)

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Writing, watching YouTube, playing video games...I want to get back into cooking, crafts, hiking, etc but I'm bad at managing time and where I currently live has like zero interesting hikes nearby

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Two cats! Their names are Muse and Indy

HOW TALL ARE YOU? Too tall to be a hobbit but slightly shorter than the average human gal

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English. I was also too advanced for most of my English classes, which is probably why I liked them best, because half the time I finished the work in a few minutes and spent the rest of class reading. And now I'm an English professor lol

DREAM JOB? Book writer...Honestly being an English lit professor is also a dream job but I'm working on accomplishing that so it feels less like a "dream" and more like a future reality (hopefully). But being a published author with an established fanbase?? Oh man, that IS the dream.

Thank you for the ask!! Tagging uh.....anyone who hasn't done this yet and wants to steal it. Free tag!

[elysianymph]

thank you @ringaroundtherosier for the tag <33

named after anyone? almost everyone in my family is named after someone but my parents just picked a random name lmao

last time you cried? uhhh monday night when my entire feed was marauders angst (half of which i was responsible for </3)

do you have any kids? too young for that babes. also not sure i want any, but i suppose that might change with time

do you use sarcasm a lot? that's my default tbh

what's the first thing you notice about a person? either their hair or their outfit, depends on which one stick out to me

color of your eyes? green, but like a very specific shade i haven't seen anyone have (other than my brother lmao)

scary movies or happy endings? happy endings >>> i watch movies as a form of escapism so happy endings are mandatory unless i want to hurt myself. i do enjoy certain scary movies tho

any special talents? drawing i guess? i think i'm pretty good at art

where were you born? in a hospital in my hometown, it closed down less than a year after i was born oop

hobbies? drawing, painting, writing, listening to music, anything related to art honestly. i love making shit even if it sucks

any pets? not really a pet, but i do have a cat that i feed. we don't keep her inside but she's practically ours anyway. her kittens used to be here too, but they all died :(

what sports do you/have you done? i used to play handball for like... half a year?? my uncle was really good at it and it became a bit of tradition for all of the kids in our family to at least try playing it. none of us stuck with the sport though

how tall are you? 164cm, i think that's about 5'4? my friends make fun of me for it </3

favorite subject it school? honestly idek, used to be history but we've gotten to the boring part i don't like studying so... probably bosnian actually, i love studying literature (grammar will be the death of me)

dream job? no idea at this point. i wanted to be an animator about 2/3 years ago bc i have an entire story for a cartoon planned, but the likelihood of that happening is zero

no pressure tags: @moonagebooklover @queerdeadwizards @fefifofae @enbysiriusblack and anyone else who would like to join!! have fun <3

[hisredhysteria]

"Imperfect and human, are we?"

Note: I love Courier, but sometimes I still hyperventilate writing for him— he can be very tricky. The amount of times the concept and everything for this was rewritten is a little too many for it to turn out so eh— but...! I enjoyed writing it so to me, that's all that matters.

TW: Gunshot wound, guns, blood, brief mention of motion sickness, and mention of human trafficking, also may not be extremely medically accurate....I've never been shot before...but I did happen to watch and read an hour or so worth of info about it--

Summary // Exposition: Idek ngl- Before this writing takes place, Courier basically took on a job where he'd have to deliver the reader to human traffickers. This little story is thrown right in the middle of him trying to take the reader away from that situation. His job is just to deliver the package right? Technically all that matters is that the package made it's destination in tact at one point...—

It was all too excruciating to watch, or maybe it was just the instant your stare aligned with his. Inside that split second, Courier's sorrowed eyes told you that a shot of disappointment corrupted his life more than just once before. Because connection could never happen long enough in war though, his attention became occupied by the sound of another's weapon resounding through the walls.

Time didn't count, all for knees weak at the sight of your own stained hands. Falling to the ground now offered you a subtle relief—so much as a pressure off of your feet. In that moment, induced shock wasn't the only one who'd been more so on the uninviting side of this cruel world. Something you'd soon come to realize in this disorganized ambush for two.

You didn't stumble, not even so much as blinked. Bent over, your body was ruined with the spilling crimson color from a cramp so callous at your side. Your memory was never to forget his panicked expression, perhaps he wouldn't forget yours—but, the most you could do now was hope that the rest of this gruesome encounter would subside and as such, make it quick. Shots blared passed you, one by one they rang. It was like hazy background noise despite their awful din and in your dazed like trance, the world had started to spin. As if wheels that came to an astounding halt half-way before a cliff dropped off, someone eventually shattered the whirling air.

"Didn't I say to stay put? Come on, stand up." They instructed, your hand and eye twitching from the hot gushing metallic scent spread across your feeble fingers.

Ungrateful they may have seemed, it was a dumb thing for this person to demand of you, for any person to say at all, really. Were they offering you help or commands? And just what exactly did they think you were on the ground for...?

"I can't..! It hurts!" You shouted in unrelenting agony, only wishing you had the time to spare for a sarcastic tongue too. The man knelt down where your own knees met that same unforgiving pavement. He didn't say a word, but your eyes recognized the bag strapped to his kneeling left leg—almost before the contact of his metal hand to yours. "No don't touch it...!" You cried in a tremble, untrusting of the motivation behind his very touch. A sigh left his lips like he'd pitied you for your state. All by the power of his own coincidence, he proved to be rather unluckily, lucky.

"I can't do anything if you don't move your hands." He was almost solemn as he spoke, reaching for your other one to signal you either had to slide it away from the open wound or, let him do it in your stead. Apprehension provoked, you figured that reluctantly removing your own hand was ultimately going to be the less painful option to go about, if anything. As you lowered it, the grueling hole in your side was all but bare for his eyes to meet. Your shirt had given way where the bullet perforated precious skin and the tender flesh seemed to pulsate around your wound. Sincerity in his gaze as reality set in for what had happened to you, Courier scanned the surrounding area. It wasn't safe to continue, at least, not out in the open where the two of you were vulnerable. He had no choice though, nothing but to act quick or risk losing a precious package due to blood loss.

Despite tension, a phone vibrated amongst the burly wind within the depths of Courier's pocket. Annoyed, the sound earned itself a tongue click before he'd rummage his inner coat to dig it out. "What terrible timing", left his lips in distaste as he waited for the interrupting notification to load. A short message popping up on the brightened orange letters, Courier had only been half alert as he read it through narrowed eyes. Quiet whimpers of pain left your own lips as you tried to accommodate your bodies needs. Busy clinging onto consciousness, you'd inevitably miss the anguished look of his face while he stared back at the phone for a second longer than he should have. "We need to leave."

"How ...?" You glanced up at the stars for a kinder illusion of diminishing ache. "Hurry please, ..it's starting to burn so bad..."

"I'm trying. You know you wouldn't be in this position right now if you didn't get in the way when I told you to stay put." Courier pointed out, shoving the device away once more. Truth hurt a little when he put it like that, however he wasn't exactly wrong.

"Then they would have shot you instead.."

His eyes met yours, ready with a rhetorical question he didn't hope for any argument to. "What made you think that this was any better..?"

"If I didn't, you—"

"Save it."

Perhaps it wasn't that he didn't want to hear your explanation, but instead wished you would conserve your weakening body a few jagged breaths. Still, his words made you feel humiliated nonetheless. Courier was right, this wasn't any better. Not even in terms of your own feelings when he implied your decision was a dimwitted one. If it'd been him who was shot, who knew exactly how long he'd last after—if he'd last. And then who would have been the one to deliver you away from this nightmare to begin with..? A gamble no matter how Courier calculated it, he had common sense. Survival was important to "failing" this job successfully and as much as he may have lied to you that your sacrifice was foolish—to allow him to make the sacrifice instead, each of you understood what you did was coincidentally necessary. An hourglass now must have flipped however, because if the sand were to run out, there'd be no time for Courier's next move.

"I can't...!" You cried out in frustration.

"You have to. You don't have a choice. Unless you'd prefer to stay out here and bleed you have to get on." With a small semblance to the amount of pain you were in as you halfheartedly attempted to be helped onto his motorcycle, Courier was seemingly delicate where his hands were placed on your body. "Wait." He paused, scanning you like he'd just now thought of something useful.

"What is it..? You panted out, watching him as he began to remove his jacket.

"You'll—" The sound of another ringing ping hummed out and Courier's eyes grew wide with a pang of nervousness surging throughout him. "Tsk...again with the terrible timing."

Before continuing to look at the message that popped up, he swiftly held his jacket close to your back. Waiting now, only for you to lift your arms. "This will stop the air from irritating your side." He explained, a sweaty palm holding his phone.

Once more, you wouldn't notice the look painted across his rarely expressive features. The most you were focused on was not fainting from the awful tearing feeling overwhelming your side torso. So much so that you wouldn't even feel him place the phone back into his jacket, carefully zipped up around you. Your nose couldn't even account for a lingering scent of cigarettes that loomed when next to him. Suddenly beneath you, his bike began to jostle as he sat, hurried like he had a late appointment to arrive to.

"Hold on." He simply advised, impatient to feel your arms wrap around his body so he could take off.

Your side burned like fire and stung worse than a bee, but as whispers of pain left your shaking lips, something more distracting would catch your ears. The hope shattering sound of more gunshots blazing in the distance was followed by Courier's infamous phrase, "Those shits..."

A tornado of human calls and vehicles rushing from behind you both was almost enough for lost ambition when it came to escape. Courier certainly had a price to pay for purposely "failing" this job and the guilt you felt for putting him in this position crept like a thief upon you.

"It's okay you know, It's fine if you leave me here. You've done enough." Your soft voice could almost shatter his own hopes.

"My job is to deliver you—"

"But, I can't pay." You interrupted, instinctually hovering a hand at your wounded side.

"Then you'll have to figure it out later." He so coldly put. But, truth be told, Courier only accepted jobs when the payment was a pre deposit. You never made one. Had he expected you to pay when he came back for you, there was no way you'd be sitting on his motorcycle now.

"Huh? But—" Your voice drifted through the breeze running past your ears now as the kickback nearly flung you off of his bike. Scrambling to get both arms around his waist in a timely manner, adrenaline would mask your pain. If you were fortunate enough, you wouldn't merely faint on the ride back to nowhere either.

Clung to his waist like it meant life or death, a certain roundabout passed you by in a matter of moments. The wheels of his bike began to drift from the ground like it was floating and if your eyes weren't tightly shut then, they certainly were now. A thump so loud paired with the judder of his ride landing on the buildings roof caused you to nearly let go. Something warm would make brief contact with your own freezing hand, and if it offered you any comfort, Courier was checking to make sure that you'd still been safe. At least, enough to keep your arms around him, that is.

Time raced fast, but Courier was somehow faster. Keeping your head ducked behind his back to avoid the first of incoming wind, anxiety or maybe even a tinge of motion sickness sent your stomach into a spiral. There was little you could do about it as his bike sprang from one building up the side of the next. All the twisting and turning was surely no help to your side as you winced with pain so awful you could be sick. The chase that was behind you moments ago was forgotten instantly, but if he was fast just to be careless then he'd win last place. Your dizziness would eventually stop at a loud skid across the ground that echoed into the busy streets. For now, it seemed that the very worst of everything was over.

It took a moment to garner some sort of composure, but with lights blinding you even through your eyes closed, you were beckoned to look at what stood next to you. "What is...?" You trailed off, glaring up several stories of windows, some with curtains strown, some opened wide.

"Never seen one before, have you? It's a hospital. Go inside, find someone, and explain what happened."

"Hospital...? But..." Your stomach churned at the thought of human interaction, other than Courier's at least... who you'd grown to trust a little more than average.

"Don't just sit around, get off." He said, a frown on his face like usual.

"....No." Your brave words refused him as it took everything in your power to finally tell someone the word no. You were much too fearful to be left there alone after he clearly made such effort to bring you here. Even with the gruesome bullet wound thrashed through your insides, you were hesitant to budge. "What if they come back..?"

He didn't have time to spare with his bike parked outside the hospital in plain view for every civilian to pass by with a stare. "You're an inconvenience." Nonchalant, again his words broke you down just a little. However, his bike started to shift side to side once more before you'd realize what he was doing.

"Where are we going...?" You asked. "If you just walk me inside ...that would have been fine too.." You quickly offered, scared, concerned, and puzzled by whatever plan he had conjured up.

"Tsk...." Courier thought to spare you the attitude, given your situation, however he figured you'd handled everything this far. "I can't just walk inside, shithead."

"Why not...?"

He could have said several things right now. Explain to you that he was an Akudama being one. He could even tell you he simply did not want to. Better yet— say nothing at all. His job was to deliver you to your destination, and that was it. He'd gone out of his way to do just that, and a little more. Courier wasn't obligated to come back for your life the first time he dropped you off with the devils human traffickers, but no one said that he couldn't. It wasn't in his job description to make sure that the aftermath of his deliveries went smoothly. Ignoring your question completely though, Courier's eyes shifted over his shoulder. Begrudgingly he spoke, "I'll do what I can. But, if you die, then you'll have yourself to blame."

You had expected him to throw you off his motorcycle, to leave you behind for real like everyone else. He didn't, and your hands only gripped harder at his sweater when his bike began to speed again.

"I don't think it'd be easy to blame someone if I'm dead either way..." You mumbled, remembering you'd been wearing his jacket even when he instructed you to get off at the hospital. So, maybe he did plan to come back for you after all. It was too late to rewind time, but somehow you felt as though letting Courier attempt to tend to your wound was a greater option in the end.

[carrotmakar]

Not Going Anywhere Without You

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 2.6k 

Summary: When Y/N finds out that she’s expecting, she’s scared out of her mind. She doesn’t know how she’s going to get through it all. She doesn’t know if Harry even wants to be a father. Fortunately, Harry’s more than ready to take a step back from the stage for a while to start the family that he’s longed for his entire life.

Warning(s): unplanned pregnancy, nerves, pet names, a brief argument (idek if you could call it an argument tbh), fluffiness, dad!harry

A/N: this is one of the pieces that have been on my mind since i saw the dadathon that @tbslenthusiast​ is hosting!! Everyone should go read the masterlist of submissions and join if you want to!! Also a warm thank you to @taintedwonder​ and @sunflowers-styles​ for beta reading/getting me through writing the whole thing!!! and @havethetimeofyourstyles​ for listening to me tell her about how i cried writing/editing this (ily jill) !!!!! 

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Reblogs help a lot and are greatly appreciated!!

*

There’s absolutely no way that this can be happening. 

She stares down at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test and has to hold back the sobs that are threatening to overtake her. How could this be happening? No. This simply just cannot be happening to her. 

Except it is. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying the child that she and Harry have created together.  The truly awful part though? She doesn’t even know how to feel about it. 

Of course, she’s excited. She’s happy. All she has ever wanted is a family with the man that she loves, but she's also nervous. She has no idea how he’s going to react to this. She doesn’t know how any of this is going to work. He’s in the middle of a world tour and she doesn’t even know if he’ll be done by the time she’s due. 

Hell, she doesn’t even know when she’s due. She doesn’t know how far along she is and the amount of unknown facts threaten to send her spiraling. 

What if he’s mad? What if he doesn’t want the baby? What if she has to do this alone? She doesn’t think she can be a single mother.

There are so many unknowns and there’s no way that she can do this on her own. For the time being, however, she knows she has to figure this out herself.  She’s in  their house in London while he’s in the States performing to thousands of screaming fans every night. There’s no way that she can drop this news on him in the middle of that chaos.

No, she reminds herself instead that he’ll be home in less than a month and she can tell him then. It’s better to do these things in person anyway.

Fortunately, that also means that she has a few weeks to calm the nerves that are coursing through her entire body. She also has that time to figure out how she’s going to break the news to him. She can’t just come out and say “Oh by the way, hey, I’m pregnant.” Can she?

*

“I’m pregnant.” The moment the words tumble out of her mouth she hears the excited squeal coming from her mother. 

She needed to tell someone about the news, and since Harry wasn’t an option yet, her mother had  automatically been her first choice.

“Baby, I’m so happy for you!” She shrieks through the phone and Y/N can see how excited she is even though the FaceTime quality isn’t great. The image of her mother all but jumping up and down from excitement brings a beaming smile to her face. “Does H know yet?” 

That question causes Y/N’s smile to falter and her mom immediately catches it. “Why doesn’t he know?”

“Well he’s not here and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, and I don’t know, really. I just found out the other day and I guess I’m just a little scared.” She’s trying her best to not tear up, and the newfound hormones are not helping the cause, but the lump in her throat is letting her know that she’s not succeeding.

“Why are you scared?” Her mother questions softly, trying to get Y/N to open up about what’s bothering her without pushing too much.

“I’m not sure… just scared he isn’t going to be happy with me.” She’s surprised when her mother audibly scoffs at her words. 

“Y/N, sweetheart. If you really think that he’s not going to drop to his knees the moment that you tell him you’re carrying his child, you’re delusional.” She lets out a light chuckle before continuing. “He’s so head over heels in love with you that there’s absolutely no way that he could ever be upset over something like that.”

“Yeah but what if he’s not ready? He said he had wanted to wait a bit.” The tears that she’s trying so desperately to suppress are beginning to pool in her eyes and she wants to kick herself for letting this get to her again. 

“Honey, H is the only person I know that is completely, without a doubt, ready to have children.” The first tear rolls down Y/N’s cheek as she observes the way that her mother’s face softens at the mention of Harry being ready to start his family. “Y/N, the moment that you break the news to him, his entire life is going to get a million times better.”

She nods and knows in her heart that she has nothing to worry about. She continues to converse with her mom for a little while longer, moving on from the topic of the pregnancy and Harry. Her mother’s words had calmed her nerves considerably. 

After the phone call ends she decides to text Harry; it feels like they haven’t been talking as much recently, and she feels bad, knowing that her nerves have partially been the reason for that. 

Hey babe, how’s everything going? Where are you this evening? 

His reply comes in an instant, almost as if he had been waiting for her text.

St. Paul :) it’s been pretty great here! The show was great last night! Haven’t really done much lately though, it’s just been hotel room after hotel room and show after show. 

The thought of him sitting in his hotel rooms alone, more than likely nursing a drink to calm his post concert adrenaline, makes a frown appear on her face. She knows how he gets when he’s away on tour and has to watch everyone around him pair off and go out to enjoy the city that they’re stopped in. He hasn’t been up for going out as much recently and, despite her efforts, she doesn’t know why. He’s usually always up for going out to let the adrenaline run its course, but every time they’ve talked lately, he’s just been shut away up in his room. 

Why don’t you go out and enjoy the city with the band, sweetheart?

Feels wrong to go out without you, angel. Miss you being here with me.

Her heart clenches in her chest and she can’t help but feel guilty. He had asked (more like begged) her to come on the North American leg of the tour with him. She had refused, thinking that she needed to stay at home so she wouldn’t have to take so many days off of work. Looking back on it, she probably could have taken the time off  and not had to explain. It was just one of the things that seemed to happen when her boss had found out she was dating Harry Styles.

I’m sorry for not coming with you :( I miss you, though. So, so much.

The awful feeling in her gut doesn’t subside - in fact, it only grows stronger. She suddenly realizes that if she had said yes, she would be with him right now. Not only would she be getting him out of those god forsaken hotel rooms but she also wouldn’t be withholding the life changing information that she has.

It’s alright, love. I’ll see you in a few weeks and then we can be together for a while. No worrying about tour. 

The prospect of him being at home for a while, possibly even more than a year, causes excitement to course through her veins. Maybe if he’s home for long enough to where he can start raising their child with her, then he’ll be happier when she tells him the news.

I can’t wait until you’re back in my arms, bubs. I miss cuddling with you.

She can’t see him right now but she knows that - most likely - he’s got that soft smile on his face that he always says is reserved for her. He always does so when he lets himself take a moment and think about cuddling with her. 

You’ll get all the cuddles the moment that I’m home. Promise.

Their conversation doesn’t last much longer. With the time zones being so different and the two of them being in different countries, with their sadness eating away at them.

*

She’s in his arms the moment that he swings the front door open. The force of the surprise impact knocks him back for a moment, but he eventually regains his balance and wraps his arms around her. 

She sighs in content at the feeling of  warmth radiating from his body to hers. He’s always been warmer than her, but right now, after he’s been gone for months, he feels warmer than all the blankets she’s tried to keep herself cozy with. 

“Hey, baby.” He mumbles into her hair, not making any move to pull away or even shut the door.

“I missed you so much.” He can hear the crack in her voice and he immediately squeezes her tighter. 

“Missed you too, darling.” 

She’s the one to pull away first. She unwraps herself from his arms and moves to shut the door behind him. She avoids meeting his eyes knowing that he’s already sensed that something is going on. She never pulls away first, and she’s afraid that he’s going to notice and ask her about it. Hopefully, he’ll just brush it off as the fact that the door needed to be closed or that dinner still needed to be cooked.

Of course, he doesn’t just brush it off. “Is something bothering you?”

She turns away from him and begins to make her way towards the kitchen. “I’m fine, H.”

“Love, please don’t lie to me.” Her breath hitches and her steps falter. That’s the last thing she wants to do  but she knows if she looks at him and tells him what’s really going on inside her head, she’s going to completely crumble. 

“I’m not lying to you, honey. I’m fine.” He scoffs at her words. He knows they’re not true, but he chooses not to push her too far. If he continues to pester her about it, she’ll close herself off to him and then there will be absolutely no way that he’ll be able to figure out what’s bugging her. 

“Do you want me to cook dinner, petal?” He comes up behind where she had stopped and wraps his arms around her from behind. She immediately leans into him and he knows that all she needs right now is his love. 

“I can do it, honey. You’ve been busy lately.” She hesitantly turns in his arms and peers up at him biting her lip. 

Now seems like as good of a time as ever to tell him.

“H, can we maybe wait a minute on the food?” She tries her best to not let her voice waiver but she knows there’s a slight wobble that won’t go unnoticed by Harry. 

“Yeah, of course.” He keeps his arms wrapped around her and waits for her to make the first move.

She stands still for a few moments, barely moving an inch. She inhales but it’s shaky and she feels the tears bubbling up to the surface before she can stop them.  She tucks her head into his chest as the sobs that she’s been holding in for weeks escape. 

“Shh. It’s okay, petal. I’ve got you. Just let it out.” He smooths the small wisps of hair on her head and slowly rocks their bodies back and forth. The gestures calm her and soon enough the tears start to subside. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She sighs at his question and he’s scared that he’s crossed a line, that he’s asked too much of her too soon. He knows that he hasn’t, however, when she slowly nods her head and takes a step back. 

He releases his hold on her and she wipes the remaining wetness of her cheeks. She glances around the kitchen and Harry gently lifts her up onto the counter so that she won’t have to stay standing. 

“Um, so I have to tell you something.” She starts, and she busies herself with picking at her nails to avoid his gaze. “And I don’t want you to be mad, okay?” 

She still doesn’t look up at him, but she pauses, giving him the time to answer. After he hums his agreement, she takes a shaky breath and continues. “I didn’t plan for this to happen, I promise. I just… I don’t know… somehow it happened and I just… this is terrifying. And I’m probably making absolutely no sense right now, I’m so sorry.” She can feel the lump in her throat returning yet again and she buries her face in her hands to take  a minute to breathe.

Harry hasn’t moved from the spot that he was in. He feels like his feet are stuck to the floor. He can’t come up with a reasonable guess as to what she could possibly be talking about and it’s making him more nervous that being on stage does. 

“It’s okay, baby. Take your time.” He doesn’t want her to feel like she has to rush to get the words out. 

“Um, so, I know you’re on tour and you have a career that doesn’t slow down for anyone, which is why when I tell you this I want you to know that you don’t have to stick around for it. I can do it on my own, okay?” His stomach drops when she says that, but he doesn’t say anything yet. “I’m… I’m pregnant, H. Like I said, you don’t have to help if you don’t want to, you’re terribly busy, and---

“Y/N why would you even say that?” He tries to hold the harshness back, to not snap at her right now, but the fact that she thinks he wouldn’t want to be completely present in his child’s life makes him see red. 

“What do you mean?” She’s suddenly on alert, the tone of his voice taking her completely by surprise. 

“How could you even let the thought cross your mind that I wouldn’t want to be around? You know me, love.” He’s trying his hardest to not let his emotions take over because honestly, he’s not entirely sure if he’d start yelling or break down sobbing. 

“Harry, you’re a singer. Your entire career is touring the world. Singing is your dream, and there’s no way that I’m going to ask you to give that up.” She didn’t think that he would be offended by her giving him an out, but by the cracking in his voice, it’s clear she’s never said something more hurtful to him.

“Yeah, music is my job, and I love that. But my dream, Y/N, the thing that I want more than anything in this entire world, is you.” His voice catches in his throat and she finally looks up at him. He looks broken, like the things she said, the things she thought would help, really just ripped his heart into shreds.

“H, I really can’t ask you to give that up in any way.” She wants to give in, to say that everything will be fine, that he can take time off of touring if he wants. The rational part of her, however, the part that remembers asking him to give this up to any extent could make him resent her, fights against it.

“Baby, listen to me, please.” He pleads. “You’re not asking me to do anything. Regardless of whether or not you want me in our child’s life… which I pray to the lord that you do, I’m taking time off after the tour. I want to spend time at home, with you, with both of you.” He gently cradles her face in his palms and strokes her cheek with his thumb. 

“Are you sure?” She doesn’t want to keep fighting him on it. All she wants is to raise the family that she’s wanted for her entire life with the most extraordinary love. 

“Absolutely.” He promises.

He bends slightly so that his face is directly in front of her stomach. “Daddy's going to be here for you and Mommy every step of the way, bub.”

*

Thank you so much for reading lovelies!!!!! Again, reblog the pieces that you like and don’t be afraid to leave feedback!!

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[skin-slave]

Personal weight loss stuff and ed mention under cut.

I am completely against diet culture and that shit, and I have osfed, so I don't want anyone to think I'm slipping or anything. No mentally/emotionally unhealthy business. I promise.

I gained a lot when I got hurt. I've felt ways about it. Hard not to activate the ed. But I've purposefully focused on how I feel, not what I weigh. That is hard af. But I did feel kinda bad physically. Atrophied and tired and digestive issues.

At some point this yr, idk when, I quit having snacks during the day, and I felt better. I kept doing my little bit of time on my stationary bike, focusing on ankle mobility and getting my muscles built up to normal again, and I felt better. Recently I cut soda for water while I'm at home just living, and it sucked ass, but now it's ok, and I feel better.

Put on a pair of pants - not my "fat pants" that don't stay up anymore, a regular pair straight from the dryer - and noticed a 2-3" gap. So I went in and got the scale out, out of curiosity.

Y'all, I have lost 23 lbs since January. That's a 1-yr-old child. More than a 12-pk of soda. About 5 Chihuahuas.* That's insane. I haven't done anything. Just what's making me feel less shitty on an avg day.

I know that my weight isn't a value. It isn't a measure of my health (which, in turn, also isn't a value). I am also having feelings about this. I don't want my body to be tiny. It won't do it without me doing harmful things. But it does feel like an accomplishment. Like a measurable sign that I've done changes. And my body might be going to whatever shape/size it prefers to be at. And I might feel my best just by letting my body recover from what I put it thru. If that makes sense. So I can be more comfortable and functional, to the best of my body's ability.

Idek what exactly I'm saying except that I totally cried on the scale in the opposite way I used to. And I don't wanna see it as a victory, bc that's too close to unhealthy thoughts for me, but it's something.

*I am USAmerican. We will do anything to keep from using the metric system.

[thisissirius]

Do you believe Eddie would ever be abusive? I read a fic where he was and I don’t want to believe it but I trust your interpretation of Eddie.

oh man so @hearteyesforbuck told me about this fic this morning and honestly, fic is there for a reason. if you wanna write it, i am not gonna police you.

that said, do i agree with it? NO.

not even during street fighting (which is where this fic is set.) would I, personally, read it? NO.

listen, this author worked hard on this fic and they deserve praise for tackling what is and always will be a tough subject. i’m not sure i could ever do it justice.

BUT. having experienced abuse of one description, no, i would NEVER trust my abuser to change. if buck doesn’t steal chris and run for the hills, well.

and that’s without talking about Eddie. EDMUNDO DIAZ who would NEVER. EVER. lay a hand on Evan Buckley. did he step into buck’s space and get angry during the supermarket scene? yes. was he angry? hell yes.

what did he do when he was angry?

take himself out of whatever situation he was in, go street fighting and take it out on someone else. was this wise? lol no. am i justifying this? FUCK NO.

WHY DID HE DO THIS? because he LOST HIS WIFE. COULDNT TALK TO HIS BEST FRIEND. THOUGHT. HE. WASNT. ENOUGH. FOR ANYONE. and even buck, HIS BEST FRIEND, was suing the department and thus, by extension, eddie. and revealing things to his lawyer that eddie, who trusts once in a blue moon, had confided in him.

the INSTANT he realised just how he was threatening his life and his family? HE GOT FUCKING HELP.

I’m gonna say my opinion here and you can leave or stay it’s your choice ❤️; if you want buck hurt or suffering (which we all do! we love our faves to be hurt so we can put them back together; i do it with Eddie!) BUT if you want that for buck and you demonise eddie to do it? then I don’t think you get buck at all. buck would NEVER stand for half the shit some of this fandom is convinced Eddie would do or IS. Eddie Diaz, the guy who would burn the world for Christopher. Who cried because he thought his own upbringing and mentality would ruin his kid. WHO HAS LOST HIS WIFE, STRUGGLED TO RAISE A KID BY HIMSELF, and does his fucking best every fucking day?

that guy would never lay a hand on buck. would never throw shit in front of buck. isn’t an angry ball of rage just waiting to explode.

he’s the guy who knows what he’s feeling, just can’t talk about it. IS AWARE HE SUCKED AS A DAD and did dirty by Shannon. Who wanted buck, who had never met Shannon, to know she wasn’t a bad person. who helps his friends when they need him, and is so so fucking grateful for buck.

idek how anyone could think dirty of eddie diaz.

it’s like some of you took shit from eddie begins and decided he was shitty. which, he’s done some fucked up shit but guess what? he is a human being. he’s had an upbringing (and don’t think i haven’t seen some of y’all out here like “his parents were justified!” um no.) and he’s doing his best to make sure christopher knows it’s okay to be weak sometimes, and sad, and to tell eddie whatever he’s feeling.

eddie is doing his best and no, he would never, ever do ANYTHING that would constitute abuse.

author; this is not an attack against you. you write what you want!!! i applaud you tackling this, but this is just not for me because it makes something of eddie that i don’t think is there.

FINALLY; this is my opinion. feel free to disagree. in fact, if some of you didn’t, we wouldn’t be a free people! but i just need to say it out loud; this space, my fics? they will never be a place where eddie is an angry ball of rage, where he would ever hurt buck (unless it’s accidentally and he’s like OMG NO WAIT) because that’s to be human. it will also never be a place where he is anything less than eddie diaz, emotional disaster because THAT is who eddie diaz is. a kind, loving, doing-his-best guy who loves with every inch of him.

[transrightsjimin]

urgh im less upset abt grandma dying nd more upset abt my family being so fucking STUPID for acting like they cant do anything anymore during the pandemic nd inviting me for a christmas dinner nd my cousin saying they ‘should just do w/e we want instead of look at rules, because this loss is more important now’ nd the rest agreed O_O

like u fucking DUMBASSES, THE VIRUS IS THE FUCKING REASON GRANDMA DIED ND U WANT TO HAVE CHRISTMAS DINNERS ND MEET UP W THE WHOLE FAMILY IN 2021???? 

THE CONCEPT OF FORCED 'GEZELLIGHEID' ('cozy togetherness'?) IS LITERALLY WHAT IS HAVING PEOPLE KILLED IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY 

also i feel fucking disgusted for letting my brother pull me in a hug (nd my mom hugged me too which i hate bc shes literally a risk group) bc hes a fucking fascist nd i saw him in a whatsapp group w antisemitic meme today nd i want to puke !!!!!!!

i dont want to fucking see my family during this pandemic but they always force me to be together w them bc thats considered 'GEZELLIG!!!' and normal and fun nd im too bad at saying no when im peerpressured, i fucking hate it nd don;t want my mom or other grandma to die bc of their dumbass behaviour by continuing to visit ppl inside their homes. they really talked about how different it was this cremation vs. decades ago at the same place bc “now we couldn’t enter at the same time nd people could touch each other and sit closely” LIKE U??? LITERALLY SAT NEXT TO PPL WHO DONT LIVE W U W 0 TO 30 CM DISTANCE BETWEEN EACH OTHER?? U LITERALLY HUGGED PEOPLE TODAY?? THERE WERE LIKE 40 GUESTS IN A WAY TOO TINY ROOM FOR THAT AMOUNT LIKE R U KIDDING ME??? I DONT WANT TO FUCKING SEE THIS EVER AGAIN. ALSO i wish death upon my brother but not rly bc it would hurt my mom nd his daughter but jfc i fucking hate him. also my cousin nd his dad are just like him. fascism is so normalized in dutch society nowadays idek where to draw the line between a person who is slightly bigoted nd the ‘never talk to a fascist‘ scenario jfc.

i always feel so fucking mixed abt my family urghfhgh like i truly do care abt my parents nd i guess one aunt nd uncle maybe but i dont want to fucking see them during this pandemic nd i preferrably dont see my brother either. but fuck i REALLY dont know how ppl cut family out of their lives bc i would have to pick and choose who i would stay in touch w but they all communicate to each other so u rly cant keep a secret. if i were to try to close off family i would need to delete my fb + ig bc i do have an aunt who keeps finding me there, nd i would need to never tell any of them my new address if i ever move. but also we never had a huge fallout so i dont think theyd get it?? nd my family on my mother’s side, aside from my american uncle nd aunt, all live rly close in either this city or one nearby so idek how you could avoid them. like im conditioned to care abt them but i honestly really dont care

i got invited by my parents to this christmas dinner over at their house and they didnt see the issue in inviting me, my friend, my brother and his daughter, “bc it’s legal to invite 3 people and children under 13 years don’t count [according to the legislation]” nd said ‘oh your friend will feel lonely on christmas if he’s just home alone‘ NO HE WON’T?? HOW DO U KNOW?? WILL IT LITERALLY KILL U TO TRY TO NOT KILL OTHER PEOPLE??

the only reason i cried at the cremation today was bc i thought of my mom dying nd having no idea what i would say in a speech then. like i dont remember my mom’s speech well but i was impressed how she said positive things abt her mom considering she was rly physically nd mentally abusive of her kids in the past nd left my mom scarred for life. it made me think when people deserved to actually be remembered for the ‘good’ stuff, just because fucking family is supposedly important. nd i just couldnt remember positive stuff abt my mom other than ‘i would miss her‘ but i couldnt think of what exactly i would miss abt her bc our personalities rly clash.

she rly stressed me out today, like she kept honking for the whole neighbourhood to hear bc i wasnt immediately outside when the car arrived in my street, nd at a certain moment said i should take a flower from the bouquet (tht was paid by the nephews nd nieces (minus me bc my parents paid it bc im broke)) nd so i did but then my aunt complained right beside me that she thought it was wrong that people just pulled out flowers ffrom the bouquet so i was like :( oh ok, but my mom kept yelling ‘NO TAKE MORE FLOWERS!! COME ON TAKE ANOTHER ONE!! PUT IT IN YOUR HOME!!‘ nd my aunt kept complaining nd i felt so guilty suddenly for having those flowers as i got more pushed into my hands by others. like my best friend has a rly chill family who srsly didnt pay visits at home or vice versa once nd im so jealous bc when your whole family understands how the fucking virus / social distancing works nd doesn’t look egocentrically only at the lax legislation or treat forced gezelligheid as the ultimate goal, it would prob be a lot easier to actually just not meet up. bc the question of meeting up or having to see each other all the fucking time isnt even a thing. but to him my family is rly weird nd strict while before him i only knew ppl w stricter parents nd i had the easy ones bc i was allowed to drink nd go out nd date even though i didnt want that. urgh im just in conflict nd feeling a bit desperate abt the ppl in this country. nd i worry abt my mom getting sick

[ofclaude]

vent post   under a readmore instead of in the tags bc i !! need to vent !!! & the point of not typing in the post is to be less in your face but this is gonna be a Lot probably lmao

i just. wish i had people around me who i actually care about & who care about me instead of them all being countries away. i live here in this place that helps me recover from trauma & integrate blahblahblah &...like.

they are literally paid to pet my head & call me sweet & go aww really :(( that sucks! & tell me the world’d be worse off without me. & it just fucking. it always gets to me. how is it supposed to not??? i want to be cared about the reason i’m suicidal is because no-one i’ve lived around ever gave a shit about me except 2 primary school teachers & one friend in high-school. people have been paid to pretend to care about me since i was born because me dying was more scandalous than paying a stranger to therapy the neglect away !!

i’m so tired. i’m so, so tired & i can’t anymore. oh, i will. i always fucking do !!! i always fucking do!! and i hate that!! because it’s never. i. ugh. i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tierd i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tried i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired

i went to talk to my father & he !! doesn’t even remember !!! telling me to go live on the street & die in a village where i was the freak when i was 6 years fucking old because he was just qangry & well he got it off his chest didn’t he !! I FUCKING CAN’T IT’S CALLED C-PTSD FUCK YOUR ENTIRE LIFE he was a grown-ass man lashing out in a violent rage at his own goddamn child & NO-ONE. NO-ONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING WHEN THEY DO THAT. YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU DO THAT, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT!! YOU’RE STILL THE ASSHOLE WHO MADE ME SUICIDAL & MADE IT SO I KNOW I’M WORTHLESS, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVERY CHANGE THIS

& that was just one, tiny lil interaction out of 24 years of that shit. 24 years !! how am i supposed to just. work thru all of that shit without getting tired of it; yaddahyaddah make ya life better IF UCKING KNOW. HOW ABOUT NOT MAKING ME WORK FOR SMTH I NEVER CHOSE & DON’T WANT ANYMORE, HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOU TTHE SCUMBAGS WHO GET TO JUST ‘GET BETTER’ AFTER the only reason they’re not responsible for my death is bc i got real fucking lucky. i’ve got massive endurance & i got lucky as hell. & it wouldn’t have mattered bc THEN I WOULD’VE BEEN DEAD, HUH?!?!? NO-ONE CARES! no-one does anything, & i’m sick of it. they get to kill me, but fuck forbid i do something abou tthem.

& blah that’s all feelings & trauma blah it’s not true i fucking know it’s not true. nothing’s true or fals #nihilism. doesn’t matter that’s not the point. i can do endless therapy, i can have people pet my head all day, i can talk myself out of this & that attempt because i know it won’t change anything. but i can’t change that this lives in me. it’s been years since i cut ties. he’s changed. i’ve changed, else i wouldn’t have cut ties in the first place but ok.

i still don’t want him. i still don’t like him. part of me still cries & hates me for taking my own daddy away from me!! even tho he’s the aggressive bastard who makes me want to fucking take my own life hellloooooo !?!?!? i have to put up with this shit. because i choose to live, but i didn’t get to choose what motherfuckers i was born with - not that my mother didn’t try to teach me otherwise tho !!! it’s all ur own choice uwu u made this call u wanted me for a parent !!!! except i loved myself unlike you bitches so no i did not but go off !! in ur fantasyland

it’s been 3 fucking years & i’ve done so much & i actually got myself a will to live last years. & it’s like. yay it’s better now :))))) no. it’s not. there are better things also. this is not better. it won’t get better, because there is nothing to change. & since it’s ptsd, i can’t forget either. blahblah lessen the impact IF UCKING KNOW I DO THERAPY I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS! BUT IT DOESN’T CHANG ETHE FACT MY OWN PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO TEACH ME TO HATE MYSELF & THAT THE WHOLE WORLD COULD ONLY EVER HATE ME BUT I WASN’T ALLOWED TO DIE!! OR MAKE A SCENE !! THAT’D LOOK BAD HUH?? me, the village freak. diagnosed with autism cuz they traumatised me so bad it looked the goddamn same but fuck forbid ANYONE. EVER. talk to my parents !! noooo no i was the one that needed fixing. except they did that wrong too my fucking god does it never end.

i’m tired. i’m tired of living with the pieces of somebody else’s mistakes. i’m tired of being afraid of pushing away the only people i have who i do care about & who care about me, just by asking them to care about the parts of me that’ll never get better. i’m sick of hiding how tired i am. i’m sick of having to be normal & happy & good enough by all those rules that don’t belong to me just to not be as terrified of being neglected again - except this time by people who don’t owe me shit.

i always deal with everything. & i’m tired of it. i’m so, so fucking tired. i know. i know it can get better. i know i can find ways. i know. i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i KNOW. that doesn’t make it okay.

i wish it did, but it never does.

& since :))) i’m afraid of running off my friends by asking directly i’ll just ;)) vent :))) here ;)))

what do you even say to the ppl who actually care about you anyway like lmao what a joke. the better i get the more room i have to conform to being normal - & idc about how other ppl like it, i mean. bad normal. social skills apparently only mean ways, not truth. i was never taught social skills so i communicated directly, which is super good & ppl these days need to be taught that?? so much????????? but no i was awkward & didn’t have social skills. fuck you, ppl raised from the get-go with social skills are the WORST at being social bc they never had to learn another person’s language or the desperation that comes with the language barriers no-one will explain to you. i’m so tired. i’m so tired of jumping thru hoops just to  what???? get ppl to care??? get smn to care about????????? & then what. jump thru hoops some more bc now u have smn who doesn’t get u unless u filter out who you are & are left with nothing.

it’s so important to be me but the better i get the less i can do that & that’s what killed me so i gues we’re back at square one !!! let’s go back to therapy & pretend i need that when i already know how to work shit. let’s pay another person to pet my head & give me an hour of their time to vent, just because i don’t have to be afraid they’ll run. jesus christ. if i can’t be me i won’t do it. but idek if i can force myself to bemyself anymore & that’s fucking scary. learning social skills after a lifetime of being shunned just makes me more equipped to go with my terrible coping skills, which is to nix myself & just. be normal be normal be normal be normal bne nomral bne mrf oamlf be nomral. i’m tired.

& blah if u wanna post it on tumblr u gotta go on ur personal uwu ur rp blog is a vending machine no personal shit !! how dare u have a personal life that Exists lmao

[angeliclunaetic]

just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that  was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever. 

[readysetreduce]

Hello, and welcome to my blog/first post/etc. I am a humble 27 y/o who has not done anything you would have heard of, but I’m here for a place to talk about how and why I have decided to change my habits. This is meant to be a space for people to find an easy way to navigate changing their habits too, and I hope that I can help. You should know that I am not under any circumstances an expert, or even knowledgeable about a lot of these things. I haven’t studied them, I haven’t been paid, and I am doing all of this on my own time and in my own way and that might not work for everyone.

TL/DR: I have no idea what I’m doing. You shouldn’t listen to me, but I need a place to organize my thoughts on this project.

MAIN THEME:

For this blog, my goals are simply this: REDUCE.

I think that a lot of people feel really good about recycling. AND YOU SHOULD RECYCLE, don’t get me wrong, BUT *and this is important* there are more that one step to helping our environment and it’s multitude of issues. In fact, there are THREE. The first one is, you guessed it—Reduce. In my opinion, being the first arrow in the cycle, the first listed, the first named, etc, that makes it IMPORTANT. So without further ado, here’s how last year I started becoming a more aware person.

It all started with a nature documentary. I watched, I cried, I awoke. I was very upset by the prospect of a mother whale’s milk poisoning her baby because of the environment she lives in. It’s fucking tragic and I think that point is beyond being debatable. So in 2019, I made myself a promise that I would try to do my part. Up until that day, I need you to understand, that I felt as if my decisions could not POSSIBLY matter in this issue. It felt stupid that little ‘ol me in this GIANT world giving up water bottles would even matter at all. How could one person really make a difference? I know, what a cliched and boring question, but I still to this day feel like there are some things that are just too big for me to try and solve, fix, think about, prophesize, etc. To be frank, I just felt like it was all not enough, like, no matter WHAT I did it couldn’t POSSIBLY make a difference. I think a lot of this stems from my issues in math and numbers and how they make me feel inferior, but I digress, with a little help from a very math-positive friend, I felt an impact. Small though it may be, an impact nonetheless. So I am going to share some statistics with you that inspired me. So, before you get overwhelmed, I’m gonna start big and then break it down into what made me go, “oh.”

Ok, so scientists think that somewhere around 8 MILLION metric tons of plastic are dumped into the ocean every year. For reference on what this looks like here is what a 6.8 metric tons look like:

SO. Imagine about 1.1 million more of those swimming around in the ocean. What I’m getting at is it’s A LOT, and that’s uninspiring. So of that 8M number, I needed to know how much of it my ONE water bottle really impacted. So....

Americans drink 10 BILLION gallons of plastic bottles every year, and in 2016, less than HALF were collected for recycling. What’s half of 10B...? Idek. I don’t think that number really matters to most people, and for most of my life it certainly didn’t matter to me because that is FAR too much for me to fathom. Most people can’t even fathom 10B of ANYTHING.

I’ll be transparent here, none of these numbers meant a damn thing to me. Watching that baby whale die...that’s what did me in, y’all. I’m not heartless even though I like to pretend to be. So, what made me feel like I was doing something important? Doing it. I just started reducing. It started really really small. I stopped buying water bottles, I got a water filter, and I filled up my cups, and I was like, “SURELY that is enough and I can stop there.” And that’s when it happened. It all started crowding in around me. I started to see how much plastic I was using just to EXIST. Suddenly I realized how MANY things were made of plastic. You guys....it’s like EVERYTHING. Do you remember that time when you were a kid and someone was like, “haha check the labels on your things and see if it says, ‘Made in China,’ lol it’s like China owns us lol so funny.” It was like that. I was like suddenly I realized plastic owned me and I had been living with my eyes closed the whole time. So I started frantically changing like everything I did, and running around looking for new solutions to the things I used every day. It was insanity. It still is. For 2020, I kept my same resolution as last year. It’s reduce. Surprising, right? Anyway, how could I not I still have all this plastic to get rid of, and no, the earth probably doesn’t notice that I don’t use waterbottles anymore, but I sure fucking do. I notice when other people use them, too. I notice when people don’t recycle. I notice when I’m not in LA, and there’s no recycling bin in sight and I am forced to either throw away a recyclable OR litter...it makes me cringe. I now have a PHYSICAL reaction to the inability to decide how I impact my own environment, and for anyone that knows me AT ALL, taking away my right to options is just not a thing you should do to gain my favor.

I want for this to be something that someone reads and thinks about. Just thinking about it was enough for me, and maybe it will be enough for someone else, too. I also want to help be a resource for those people who are just starting out like I am and need help. I am well versed in research as a historian, and sometimes I do it for fun, but other times I do it because I need to know who is profiting from my funding, or what is the best no-waste toothpaste option because my partner gets mouth ulcers from the chemicals in our toothpaste and I’ve suddenly realized that the toothpaste we use is far more impactful than just the risk the chemicals are posing to our bodies. So, without further ado, please enjoy this place as an informational safe space where I can research without judgement, answer questions to the best of my ability, let people know what works or doesn’t work in my life, and to ultimately have my own impact here on tumblr.

—♻️REduces✌️—

Here’s a link from oceanconservancy.org where I found some of this information.

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck

I hate my mum so fucking much. I shouldn't but I feel it. I’m just so fucking mad because she’s she. I fucking fuck o my god I just arghhhhhgggggfhshgskwwj fucking ARGHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHH the fuck she make me do things? Why the fuck does whatever she say to me piss me off this much. I don’t give a shit about her words and constant nonsense about the same shit okay! And why the fuck does she drag something on for so long?! You can always always always fucking see I’m in the middle of some shit. Whether it’s tv or fucking all set to leave the house. Yet you’ll fucking talk and keep me from it. And I always try so fucking hard to just stand or sit there and hear your fucking shit I don't wanna hear. I don’t listen. I just hear bc that’s all I can naturally do. Seriously the shit she talks about with me doesn’t ever interest me and Ive no energy or will for it. I just wanna go on about my life and never be stopped for a minute. I have my own wars beefing me in here already. I barely fucking watch tv either. Today’s my day off in like absolute fucking ages. I hadn’t spent a day at home for weeks and she's out here talking on the phone needing the tv volume low and being her usual loud on the phone and I can’t hear shit on the tv? but when she watches tv were not allowed to make a fucking sound? only double standards from this woman aggravate me on a level as high as this. Later she even hoovers in the same room for 15 fucking minutes, are you dumb? It’s not a fucking mile long mate why take that long I'm building all this shit load of adrenaline and already fuming after 5 minutes of her presence with this clutter. I watched her the whole time instead bc she was blocking the fucking tv and sound with the bloody Hoover noise so I was forced to see all this instead. All I wanted was to watch this single programme man. that's all. it may not matter in 2 days or 5 years but I wanted this, for now, for the moment I desired this. So tell my why tf does it take that long to Hoover this small space in our living room? I swear the longer she took outside of 5 minutes pissed me the fucck offf and I was just there sitting, building samosas and fuming. I really couldn't help it. this part of my life everything made my blood boil. my mother was sitting at top throne of that fucking trigger mate. Fucking hell the way I always hold shit in with her just takes me soo mad I can’t even explain. All my nerves will explode and I could die. 

My fucking 7 year old shit of a little cunt sister pissed me off as well too. Several times today. I was watching tv during the time my mum made me come down and make somosas while she was also talking on the phone like I said. I wanted her to just leave bc I couldn’t hear the tv and she also made us minimise the volume. The fucking nerve. Anyway I make her leave when there’s not much left to do with the somosas now. I switch to the plus one channel bc I wanna watch the whole royal programme again hearing every word of it and I can get what I wanted out of today finally. But noooooo now this little cunt who refused to leave the room now too kept making a million loud and unnecessary fucking noises and I was just so astonished at how she was so capable at making so many annoying sounds with her presence. How can she make that much noise in front of my eyes and why were they so heightened. They were bangs and shuffles and paper crunch and jar closing noises. Like I told her several times nicely to stop! I can’t hear the tv. And already bc I have to speak out to her underdeveloped brain I was again missing the programme. 

Mums in my room now calmly, like usual utters make sure you put it blah blah so they don’t end up somehow back in the dirty laundry and omdssss it was like bitch why the fuck are you even talking since you came up. I’m mad rn and you’re bursting my fucking bubble again. I was hanging on by a fucking thread and could have gone to bed mad with all that shit I was feeling about her but noooo she came up talking in such a calm manner while I'm so mad and dying the fuck inside. And calm talk when I’m fucking mad coming from the person I’m mad at and especially from my mother again pisses me of like a knife to the gut. My anger and level of resentment it ain’t normal so don’t tp me over the fucking edge but ya did didn't ya! these days breathing even pisses me off so imagine my mother fs. Anyways she now says to me in a subtle manner don’t be angry and just like that, I’ve lost it. I just said something automatically back. I said WHY YOU ALWAYS IN MY STUFF she goes.. who? I say YOUUUU, DONT EVER TOUCH MY SHIT AND STAY OUT IF IT WHY YOU ALWAYS TOUCHING IT AND DONT EVER TOUCH WHATVER IS MINE IN MY ROOM AGAIN Like I’m so mad man bc wtf when I entered my room beforehand I knew instantly shit was touched. My resentment mingled with emotions of anger is mega mega heavy when my shits touched by anyone. Especially this little shit and my mum bc that’s when shit goes missing, things are mistaken for rubbish and then things are misplaced. I don’t like that shit. I don’t. I don’t like it. It pisses me off in a different way. Do not touch my shit. Like noooo I don’t carrrreeee, if you think it’s rubbish I don’t caaaree leavveeeeee it motherfuckering alooooneeee. I don’t care if there’s a dead rat laying in the centre of my room. Do. not. fucking. move. it. My mum yeah comes in and does what she likes. I noticed some things that were different from last I saw it and something that didn’t mean much that I kept she threw away the other day and I picked it up again bc I could have added it to a rubbish collection of mine and today it’s gone again. Are you dumbbbbbb when I noticed that amongst a couple other things like earlier she had my sibling bring down a handful of my Nike socks to put in the wash FUCK SAKE what? Fuckk off now, no! Do nooot dooo that! OMDS fs I was so mad and agitated I don’t like it man like I don’t I could cry. I can’t tell you why it deeply bothers me but it does so please do not touch my shit fucking hell! I don’t care if it’s dirty. I’ll handle it bc I literally decide when to take it down for a wash and until I make that decision and you done it for me? no that's not okay. idk why I get this deep angered feeling man but just fuck off. Then a mention from her the other day saying why do I keep my room so junked with condiments shoved with shit inside, like keep less. And that came about in my head during all this madness so that added to today’s events and why in a burst of anger I said why do you touch my stuff etcetera. She never said nothing and just went down because she knew I was mad now. To her over nothing but to me over fucking everything. It’s a whole days worth of built up anger man and I don’t have the will to go on telling you everything on why I’m mad toward you bc I’ll breakdown form it all and I really don’t want to bc you happen to be my fucking mother and I don’t like later regretting the very true shit I’d say in this state. But it kills not to as I  bottle it up and feel the pain of these unsaid things. better me than you though. 

I balled my eyes out just before writing all this bc I was angry I could not. Got that fucking pain in my neck from holding back the cry. Like reading through it sounds like why did I get so mad and cry about it all. But it was a whole days worth of built up anger and other little things through out so I stood there then in my room for a moment then with all the anger and mean words inside me that I wanted to say out loud that I couldn’t therefore didn’t. I was just feeling it all. Then my dad came up saying whats up, am I mad and stuff like tell me. I kept saying nothing and that each time he said something to me. Bc obviously he heard my tantrum thrown at my mum. Heck the whole house heard. I didn’t scream or yell thaaat loud but it was me in the house who was being angry and throwing a fit today. So yeah after dad left my room door almost closed I sat and I cried silently. I just hate so many things about my mum man. I don’t even think hate is the right word. I just don't wanna be her anything. She is what makes me tick most. The things she says to me about all things and even about me. Like I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. If I hear it I just get mad I don’t get hurt. or maybe I do get hurt and subliminal ignore the hurt and instantaneously replace it with emotion of severe anger with a lot of resentment. Like it just bothers me I can’t be myself bc she’ll throw the biggest fit and occasionally cry bc you’ll feel so shameful of your daughter being anyway that you don’t want or approve of. Like that’s why i hide so much of me already and have to leave the house before she catches a glimpse of me and come home making sure the same thing. I tread carefully around my mum bc she will throw the ugliest and meanest fits that I cannot allow her to feel or cause vibes in the house bc of. Like it’s too much. So if there’s anything I can do to help that than I will hide and be who I am. It’s all so complicated man. last thing I did was get up before getting in bed and slam my door shut so she can hear know I'm maaaad. it felt good. Hope it have her a shock. 

Like idek why I run to my blog. I just had to let it all out somewhere and I hadn’t cried in forever so that was something.

I’m fucking hungry too. I barely ever eat and there’s nothing to eat. Nothing appetises me at all

Fuck I still feel shit

[noctomania]

I hate this i hate this i hate this. I'm always wondering why i am always left out and then i get into these dark moments and it makes it all worse bc then im like this is why, nobody wants to deal with a crybaby bitch that is sad all the fuckin time but im sad all the time bc I'm fucking lonely and rejected and facing an existential crisis every other day that I'm stuck in a life i don't fucking want.

Like there is dysmorphia and dysphoria but what is it when what you imagine for your self and your life simply contradicts reality in every way? Am i living in a dystopia?

I genuinely want to be the fun person in my friends, i want to make people laugh and feel good and yes i want them to like me. Like me enough to be like "let's hang out!" I don't want to have to keep going out meeting people who are less enthused about me than i am about them. It kinda wears on the psyche. I don't want to set myself up for more and more rejection.

I'm just having a really hard time lately. The past few months have been hell. Losing my dad last year, losing my stepmom this year, losing my roommate (not to death she's moving in with her partner which what's the difference), having to kove in less than 2 months, and my back being entirely fucked I'm just so fucking defeated. I have just a few months left in this job then i would have been free.

But no. I'm fucking broken and stuck until ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and all i can do is sit on an ice pack pop pills and cry. I can't even clean my room. Layin on a mattress on the floor with goddamn hairball tumbleweeds blowin by. I just want one fuckin thing to be fixed. If i had to choose it would be my fuckin back. I can survive losing people I've lost plenty before. I cannot afford to lose myself. I can't give up my independence like this. I've worked so fucking hard to build confidence in myself to survive in circumstances that were incredibly shakey. It's not fair that suddenly I can't even cook pasta or wash myself. I'm entirely in self pity mode and i get that isn't attractive but I don't care. I want to be an entire fuckin baby right now bc what the fuck.

Why can't i catch a fuck8ng break? I have not cried so much since i was a child. Everything feels so unfair and i feel like i have so little control or power. I still sturggle to understand our health care system. It took me forever to get anfuckin MRI and nobody has bothered to call me to tell me what it looks like? They make me go through all that and I can't even get the job finished without waiting patiently for like 2 months? I don't wven know. And i know I'm not entirely innocent. Which also fucking hurts.

It's my fault my body did this bc I didn't treat it right it's my fault i didn't get to the doctor sooner it's my fault that I don't have answers about my mri bc i did cancel a recent appointment with my pt but idek if she would have read it. But where does it end bc it's not my fault this system is built to make me into a circus monkey or that i have to literally repeat my problems 15 times every fucking time i see a new practitioner even within the same fucking practice.

I'm fucking tired of life and I'm hoping i can stay stable enough bc having this mental challenge which i have so many painkillers hangin out is not a good combo. Maybe if i have a fuckin breakdown in the dr office they might actually fucking do something besides tell me to fuckin stretch.