#like i dont have anxiety around crowds or anything like i LOVE concerts but this was fucking hell

[eyes-of-rock]

When Your Walls Come Down

( Eric Carr X OC)

Word count: 2600

Summary: Rae is a shy music journalist who’s never stood out in a crowd and prefers it that way, but a chance meeting with a certain fox might change all of that.

I worked really hard on this am I'm very proud of it so I hope you all like it and read it! ♥︎

I don't consider myself anything special. In fact, in most rooms, I'm the invisible one. The one that no one pays any attention to. That's perfectly fine with me. I prefer to keep to myself because I'm deathly shy.

As much as I love rock and metal, I could never play an instrument or be a groupie. My stage fright and general shyness would prevent me. Instead, I'm okay with being an observer in the crowd. That's why I only write music reviews for the magazine and don't bother fighting to get interviews with actual rock stars. I know I could never handle it. I'm perfectly fine doing my more solitary work.

“Rae, ready to go?” Dana, my roommate and concert buddy, says, popping her blonde head into my room.

“Yup,” I say, grabbing my purse and slinging it over my shoulder.

“Really?” Dana says, giving me a once-over; she's not convinced.

“What?” I ask, looking myself up and down. Am I missing a stain or something?

“You can't wear that to a Kiss concert!” Dana says, pushing me back into my room.

“Why not?” I ask, confused.

Since when can't a girl wear ripped jeans, a kiss t-shirt, leather jacket and cowboy boots to a concert?

It's not her red leather mini skirt and leather top to match with leather-heeled boots, but it's not a bad look. I'm not like her anyway. She's a blonde knockout with a perfect body. I'm a lacklustre redhead.

“We’re front row!” She says appalled. “Don’t you want them to notice you?”

Truthfully? No. I didn't want anyone to notice me. I want to enjoy the show up close. I wouldn't even know how to react or what to say if they did.

“No, I’ll let you get the attention,” I admit to her; I'm fine. I dont need it.

“Fine, but if I get backstage, I'm taking you with me.” She warns me.

Hearing that makes my heart race a bit. God, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be awkward, ruin the vibe, and look like an idiot.

“Please don't.” I plead with her, “You don't want me making things weird.”

“You need to have some fun, Rae.” Dana sighs, “Come on, you're young and beautiful.”

If only that were true.

“Come on.” I say, opening our door and changing the subject, “I don't want to be late.”

“Fine.” She sighs, rolling her eyes as she follows me out.

———————————————

As the show ends, all four band members stand at the edge of the stage. Naturally, everyone around me is doing everything possible to get their attention. That includes Dana, of course. She's not trying to get anyone in particular. I know this because I know Dana. I've been to many shows with her; she's happy to get attention from anyone.

I, on the other hand, would rather disappear into the crowd. I actively try not to make eye contact despite them being right there. I'm looking at every place but the stage.

I watch as Paul Stanley hands a guitar pick right into Dana’s hand. Dana gives him a flirtatious smile. Please don't take her backstage—the memory of the threat she made earlier coming back. My anxiety is suddenly rising.

I'm not thinking straight because of that, and I make the mistake of looking up onto the stage. As I do so, I lock eyes with Eric Carr, the drummer.

Shit.

Before I can quickly look away, he smiles at me. Of course, once that happens, I know it would not be pleasant to look away. Of course, I can't make myself smile back because my anxiety is preventing me from thinking straight, and I'm slightly panicking.

He’s Eric Carr. The drummer of KISS is looking at me. I’m not used to anyone looking at me, let alone someone like him.

My heart is beating faster now. God, he's going to think of the rudest person ever. This is why you don't look up on stage, Rae.

He squats down and reaches out to me with one of his drumsticks. I've never gotten a drumstick or a pick at a show. Usually, like I said, I blend into the crowd so no one notices me, and when a pick is thrown out, I'm not about to fight over it.

I graciously take it. This time, I managed a shakey to smile at him to say thanks. Then, once it sinks in, I freak out and look away because it's me.

Oh my god. Eric Carr just gave me a drumstick. I know it means nothing; I'm in the front row at this concert. Plus, I weirdly made eye contact with him, and he probably felt he had to.

I look over to where Dana is standing. She's now somehow holding a backstage pass. How did that happen within the minute I wasn't paying attention?

Please, please, please don't have one for me. The drumstick incident was enough excitement for me, and I still haven't fully recovered from it. I'm even more scared to look on stage in case it happens again.

She turns to me with a big grin on her face. She flashes me the passes, and there are two of them.

Shit. The panic rises in my chest. I don't know what to do backstage with a band! What happens if I run into Eric? Oh my god. What do I even say after that? I suddenly regret ever coming to this concert with Dana.

——————————————————

I managed to sneak off before anyone noticed. Ideally, I'd like to leave, but I can't because I’m too nice and can't just leave Dana here. So, Instead, I search for a quiet spot.

I find a quiet corner and sit with my back against the way. I let out a sigh, not realizing I was holding in. I reach into my bag and pull out my notepad and a pen. I need to make some quick notes for my review tomorrow. I always do this right after a concert; it's still fresh, and I don't forget.

Yes, I'm lame. I'm sitting alone in the corner, writing backstage at a KISS show. I'm fully aware. I'd rather it be this way. I feel bad, though; this backstage pass should have been given to someone who’d used it correctly.

I pause as I hear hushed voices coming towards me. Hopefully, whoever it is won’t notice me. At least, that's what I'm praying for.

No such luck. Into view down the hall come Eric Carr and Bruce Kulick. Fuck. Eric is the last person I want to see.

Not that I don't think he's a brilliant drummer. No, I happen to love his drumming. I also happen to think he's cute and seems like a sweet person.

It's just the whole drumstick thing from earlier. I don't know what to say. Well, I do. I don't know if my anxiety will let me say it. I’m shy and hate interacting with people because I freak out. Then, they lose all ability to act normally or form words.

“Bruce, this is-” Eric stops once he spots me.

“Oh, hello.”

“I told you,” Bruce says, giving Eric an I told you so look, clearly referring to an earlier conversation.

You can do this, Rae. I remind myself. They’re just people. Not that I'm good with any people. Stop overthinking. I take a deep breath. Trying and failing to calm the panic I feel rising in my chest.

“Hello.” I manage to reply with a shaky voice. God, I sound like an idiot.

“You should know you might be here awhile,” Eric informs me, “I just saw your blonde friend making out with Paul.”

Ugh. I mean, it's good for Dana but not good for me. Now I'm stuck waiting until Dana remembers me, comes and tells me what's up, and before I can leave. I don't want to leave her behind. It's our policy.

“Oh…guess I have to wait then,” I reply like an idiot as if he couldn't figure that out.

“I can wait with you if you want.” Eric offers with a friendly smile.

“Oh…ah…you don't have to.” I manage to stutter out it's lovely of him to offer, but for one, I'm sure he has better things to do than spend time with me. And I have no idea how I'm managing to make this much conversation, let alone the hours it could take for Dana to find me.

“I have no problem keeping a pretty girl like you

company,” Eric compliments me, shooting me a charming yet sweet smile. Everything this man does is cute.

I swear my heart stops for a second. Did Eric Carr of KISS call me pretty? No. No way he did. I mean, no one has ever really called me pretty. No one even notices me, let alone someone like him.

I’d even think his tone was slightly flirtatious if I didn't know better. There is no way, though. After all, he could have any girl in that audience, hell, any girl in the world. Why would he want me? He's just being nice, Rae; it doesn't mean anything.

“Thank you,” I reply, giving him a small smile. I'm proud of myself for even being able to do that. After all, I'm freaking out inside.

“What are you writing?” Eric asks, peaking around to get a look at the page.

“I’m a journalist; I do music and concert reviews,” I tell him, gently shutting the book.

“Hopefully, you write about how amazing that drum solo was.” He teases, “And how sexy the drummer is.”

I was going to write about the drum solo and how I did think it was great. Of course, I thought he looked good behind the kit, but I was never and will never admit that out loud. I was half expecting him to bring up giving me a stick.

“The drum solo was great.” I compliment him; his solos are some of the best. I can't deny that.

“Also, thanks for the drumstick.”

“You’re welcome.” He smiles, “I always try to give them to the hottest girls in the crowd.”

There he goes again with the compliments. I can feel my cheeks getting red. Rae, it means nothing. Calm down.

“You don't say much, do you?” He comments, but it's not in a condescending way, like most people mean it when they say it to me. More just made in observation.

“I’m just shy, sorry.” I apologize; I feel embarrassed. I'm sure he's used to women and people talking his ear off. I'm just sitting here like a mute, and it's no fun.

“It’s okay,” Eric says softly, “I think it's cute.”

In all my life, I've never had anyone call me shy and cute; like I mentioned, they are usually not that nice.

“Oh.” I replied, surprised, “Thank you. Most people think it weird.”

I feel my face getting warm again. I'm sure I'm blushing like a complete idiot. He’s being nice, and you’re just sitting here blushing like an idiot. I should probably say something nice back, or do I? I'm not good in social situations.

Before he can reply to that, Dana comes down the hall. Her heels clicked loudly on the tiled floor, catching my attention.

She shoots me a smirk once she notices Eric sitting with me. Oh god. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

“I won’t be coming home tonight.” She tells me, tossing her car keys at me. “Looks like you won't be either.”

“Dana, please,” I say, my face turning bright red in embarrassment. Could you leave it to Dana to embarrass me?

“What?” Dana says, playing innocent, “You’re talking to a man and not running away; this has to mean something.”

“I don't run away.” I lie.

I know exactly what she's referring to with that comment. We became roommates in our first year of college when I moved to Los Angeles. Dana set me up on a blind date with her then-boyfriend's friend.

He came on way too strong, which freaked me out, so I ran away. Like, I ran away. I turned and ran—one of my most embarrassing moments. I would instead say that Eric never knew about it, though.

“Freshmen year,” Dana says, giving me the Oh come on, Rae, don't you play dumb look.

“Fine, but in my defence, he came on to me way too strong,” I say, trying to defend myself and not look like a loser or weirdo in front of Eric.

“You’re hopeless.” Dana rolls her eyes.

“You know it,” I say, shooting a finger gun her way. Completely forgetting for a quick second, I sat next to Eric Carr of KISS, and what I did was majorly dorky.

“Please be gentle with her,” Dana says, looking at Eric. “She’s easily spooked.”

“Dana, please, I'm not your horse!” I say, completely and utterly embarrassed. I feel like hiding.

First, Dana suggests he'd want to sleep with me, which is highly unlikely. Plus, they have a highly embarrassing story of me running away from a date. There is no way Eric will want to talk to me after this encounter.

“I won’t come on too strong, I promise.” Eric jokes, “I don't want you running off on me.”

“I’m more worried you might run off after that embarrassing conversation,” I coyly say, shooting Dana a glare afterward.

“Embarrassing? I found it very informative.” Eric laughs, “Now I know what not to do.”

“Well, that's my queue to leave; see you tomorrow, Rae!” Dana says, giving me a little wave as she disappears down the hall.

I suddenly feel a yawn coming on. I glance at my watch. It's 1 am. I'm never usually up past 10:30 most nights. No wonder I'm tired. I also have work tomorrow, so I really should get going.

“I didn't know I was that boring.” Eric teases.

“It’s not you,” I tell him, laughing a little. I feel much more comfortable with him after he didn't run away after the Dana incident.

“It’s just that I have work tomorrow and never stay up this late,” I tell him, yawning halfway through the sentence.

“Well, before you go, would it be too bold to ask for your phone number?” Eric asks me with a sweet smile.

I'm surprised. No one has ever wanted my phone number before. Does this mean I've been wrong this whole time? Maybe he thinks I'm cute. Why else would he ask for my number?

“Okay,” I reply. I think he's earned it. After all, he's been sweet to me all night. As Dana would say, you only live once, right? And who am I to say no to Eric Carr of KISS having my phone number?

I open my notebook and carefully write it down. Then I write my name below it before ripping the page out of the notebook and folding it over before handing it to Eric.

He unfolded it and read it over, then looked at me.

“Rae.” He says, repeating the name he just read on the paper. I must admit it does sound nice coming out of his mouth- Rae, keep yourself in line.

“It suits you.”

“Thank you.” I smile shyly.

“I’ll give you a call.” He promises.

“I’m looking forward to it,” I tell him, and I wholeheartedly mean that. For the first time, I'm looking forward to talking to someone, and the feeling is new. Yet, for once, I'm not scared. No, I'm excited and it's a good feeling.

[transrightsjimin]

urgh im less upset abt grandma dying nd more upset abt my family being so fucking STUPID for acting like they cant do anything anymore during the pandemic nd inviting me for a christmas dinner nd my cousin saying they ‘should just do w/e we want instead of look at rules, because this loss is more important now’ nd the rest agreed O_O

like u fucking DUMBASSES, THE VIRUS IS THE FUCKING REASON GRANDMA DIED ND U WANT TO HAVE CHRISTMAS DINNERS ND MEET UP W THE WHOLE FAMILY IN 2021???? 

THE CONCEPT OF FORCED 'GEZELLIGHEID' ('cozy togetherness'?) IS LITERALLY WHAT IS HAVING PEOPLE KILLED IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY 

also i feel fucking disgusted for letting my brother pull me in a hug (nd my mom hugged me too which i hate bc shes literally a risk group) bc hes a fucking fascist nd i saw him in a whatsapp group w antisemitic meme today nd i want to puke !!!!!!!

i dont want to fucking see my family during this pandemic but they always force me to be together w them bc thats considered 'GEZELLIG!!!' and normal and fun nd im too bad at saying no when im peerpressured, i fucking hate it nd don;t want my mom or other grandma to die bc of their dumbass behaviour by continuing to visit ppl inside their homes. they really talked about how different it was this cremation vs. decades ago at the same place bc “now we couldn’t enter at the same time nd people could touch each other and sit closely” LIKE U??? LITERALLY SAT NEXT TO PPL WHO DONT LIVE W U W 0 TO 30 CM DISTANCE BETWEEN EACH OTHER?? U LITERALLY HUGGED PEOPLE TODAY?? THERE WERE LIKE 40 GUESTS IN A WAY TOO TINY ROOM FOR THAT AMOUNT LIKE R U KIDDING ME??? I DONT WANT TO FUCKING SEE THIS EVER AGAIN. ALSO i wish death upon my brother but not rly bc it would hurt my mom nd his daughter but jfc i fucking hate him. also my cousin nd his dad are just like him. fascism is so normalized in dutch society nowadays idek where to draw the line between a person who is slightly bigoted nd the ‘never talk to a fascist‘ scenario jfc.

i always feel so fucking mixed abt my family urghfhgh like i truly do care abt my parents nd i guess one aunt nd uncle maybe but i dont want to fucking see them during this pandemic nd i preferrably dont see my brother either. but fuck i REALLY dont know how ppl cut family out of their lives bc i would have to pick and choose who i would stay in touch w but they all communicate to each other so u rly cant keep a secret. if i were to try to close off family i would need to delete my fb + ig bc i do have an aunt who keeps finding me there, nd i would need to never tell any of them my new address if i ever move. but also we never had a huge fallout so i dont think theyd get it?? nd my family on my mother’s side, aside from my american uncle nd aunt, all live rly close in either this city or one nearby so idek how you could avoid them. like im conditioned to care abt them but i honestly really dont care

i got invited by my parents to this christmas dinner over at their house and they didnt see the issue in inviting me, my friend, my brother and his daughter, “bc it’s legal to invite 3 people and children under 13 years don’t count [according to the legislation]” nd said ‘oh your friend will feel lonely on christmas if he’s just home alone‘ NO HE WON’T?? HOW DO U KNOW?? WILL IT LITERALLY KILL U TO TRY TO NOT KILL OTHER PEOPLE??

the only reason i cried at the cremation today was bc i thought of my mom dying nd having no idea what i would say in a speech then. like i dont remember my mom’s speech well but i was impressed how she said positive things abt her mom considering she was rly physically nd mentally abusive of her kids in the past nd left my mom scarred for life. it made me think when people deserved to actually be remembered for the ‘good’ stuff, just because fucking family is supposedly important. nd i just couldnt remember positive stuff abt my mom other than ‘i would miss her‘ but i couldnt think of what exactly i would miss abt her bc our personalities rly clash.

she rly stressed me out today, like she kept honking for the whole neighbourhood to hear bc i wasnt immediately outside when the car arrived in my street, nd at a certain moment said i should take a flower from the bouquet (tht was paid by the nephews nd nieces (minus me bc my parents paid it bc im broke)) nd so i did but then my aunt complained right beside me that she thought it was wrong that people just pulled out flowers ffrom the bouquet so i was like :( oh ok, but my mom kept yelling ‘NO TAKE MORE FLOWERS!! COME ON TAKE ANOTHER ONE!! PUT IT IN YOUR HOME!!‘ nd my aunt kept complaining nd i felt so guilty suddenly for having those flowers as i got more pushed into my hands by others. like my best friend has a rly chill family who srsly didnt pay visits at home or vice versa once nd im so jealous bc when your whole family understands how the fucking virus / social distancing works nd doesn’t look egocentrically only at the lax legislation or treat forced gezelligheid as the ultimate goal, it would prob be a lot easier to actually just not meet up. bc the question of meeting up or having to see each other all the fucking time isnt even a thing. but to him my family is rly weird nd strict while before him i only knew ppl w stricter parents nd i had the easy ones bc i was allowed to drink nd go out nd date even though i didnt want that. urgh im just in conflict nd feeling a bit desperate abt the ppl in this country. nd i worry abt my mom getting sick

[cowboyjen68]

hey jen! love your blog! if you dont mind, have a question for you... but heres a bit of an explanation first; im a lesbian in my 20s from the rural midwest. im sure you know what i mean when i say there arent tons of us around here. so even though i desperately want lesbian friends, any time i come across another lesbian out in the world, i get weird. i want to be friends but i get so intimidated and scared of rejection that i become almost territorial about it? like my place in the world is being taken or something. its hard to describe!

have you experienced anything like this? did you grow out of it? i feel bad about it because like i said, i want friends! but it seems so difficult to get out of my own head when it comes to stuff like this.

Fear of isolation is a common and nasty reality for many lesbians even in very open cities. It is the reason I, as many others, get into friendships or relationships that lasted WAY longer than they should have. We stick around because we know we crave connections with other lesbians and that need often overrides our common sense. We stay with someone because they are a lesbians not because they have other qualities that bring us happiness. I stayed 17 years when about 2 would have been plenty.

In college i was not even out but desperately clingy to others I preceived as gay or lesbian. I stayed friends with one gay man, loyal to him to a fault, finally decidiing his continued unhealthy behavior was too much. Of course by 22 I had other gay and lesbian friends so it was easier to cut that tie. Otherwise, who knows how much I would have put up with?

Think of it this way, in high school we naturally find others like ourselves, all teens do, in order to feel like we are a part of a group. Groups in elemetary, Jr and High school are important to our "survivial". They offer protection, shared experiences to help us grow and learn, social skills and how to navigate relationships as we moved towards adulthood.

Now, as young lesbians, we have a limited amount of others "like us" so we find friendship groups based on other things like location, (where we live in proximity) hobbies, sports, socio-ecomonic class and even just the classes we share. In order to maintain these valuable friendships we often hide our sexuality because it is better to hide it than endanger premade connections that, as humans, we perceive as necessary to our survival. Humans are naturally social animals with a need to be in a group.

As we grown older and expand our friend pool outside of "all stuck in the same school for 12 years" we find other lesbians and we really crave sharing that part of ourselves, or at least not hiding it or keeping it on the down low. We have built up lesbian friendship as the "goal" and when a goal has been unattainable but is now in reach, it causes a fair amount of stress and anxiety that we are so close but could still blow it.

I can tell you from experience, you will not like all lesbians and you will love your straight/bi friends whom see you as you. Lesbian friends are amazing and it is nice to share that one thing, same sex attraction, because you understand so much more about how you both experience life. It is okay to meet lesbians and not become life long friends. Sometimes the connection is short and that is okay. You will find lesbian friends who become like family if that is what you want. Your over excitement and awkwardness is something most of them will also have gone through and will help you get to the other side to comfort and trust.

My first girlfriend took me to a woman's festival (I was very unsure about that whole deal) and in the process I met many lesbians who are still my friends today, including that ex and her wife. The midwest is full of women's festivals, small concert venues where women artists attracted the lesbian crowd and Iowa City has one of the oldest and best lesbian archives at the University. Midwest lesbians are a special breed.

So try to relax as you make friends knowing there are others and every lesbian you meet will not be the only lesbian you will every meet.

Subscribe to Lesbian Connection, based in the midwest (www.lconline.org). Free to lesbians if you can't pay. They list other lesbians, businesses, festivals, vacation spots and rentals and a host of other ways and places to surround yourself with lesbian energy.

[thedappleddragon]

hooooo my fucking god I don't know why but recently my anxiety/sence of dread has SKYROCKETED in the last 3 days, I haven't been sleeping great and last night I had an anxiety dream about manning the register at work. idk I guess today was fine but im so fucking overstimulated I guess?? I seriously just dont fuking know. but anyway here’s a summary of some days that I may or may not remember. putting it under the cut

Wednesday I was exited to work, they didn’t need me, I hung out with my friends at their outdoor band concert and had boba and it got super cold out

Thursday I went with my dad to drop off a car, then we had breakfast together at a little restaurant I had never been to before. He told me about his childhood n stuff. Then I went to work and priced things outside and felt good about helping some people buy plants even tho I didn’t know exactly what I was doing and ended up handing them off to Becky anyway. Got off work, came home, hung out waiting to be able to go visit my friend but she took a while so dad and I made the snack he had a lot as a kid which was just handmade chocolate frosting on graham crackers. Eventually my friend got home so I grabbed one of those graham crackers in some Tupperware and some other stuff and headed out. It was a longer drive than I was expecting but eh whatever, I got there no problem with a bunch of dad’s shit in the back of the car. We had awkward hellos in her apartment and I pet her fat ass cat until she suggested we go thrifting and oh my god I had never wanted to go thrifting more in my life than right then. I had one of those moments where I realized oh I’m an adult who can go out and just DO things :D so we walked around and gossiped in goodwil and had a great time until they closed, whereupon steph frantically looked for anything that was open near us while I drove around. We settled on going to a little park nearby, where we climbed on the tube with holes on it and swung on the swings. Then we walked around a dense tree/brush like and into the middle of a field, having our main character moments as we walked to the top of a hill with a cross on it. I took a picture of the sunset and a selfie with both of us before we walked back through the field and drove back to her apartment. I gave her 2 tiny flower jars and she let me borrow her container of earring hardware and a bunch of different tiny things to make into earrings. I had a great time and I’d love to hang out again, maybe when everything isn’t closed lmao. We joked a lot about understanding why people do drugs lmao since there’s nothing else to do! everything’s closed!! Also some joke flirting mixed in for flavor. We have an excuse to hang out again so I can return her earring supplies and she can return my Tupperware lol. I thought my phone was going to die on the way home before I realized there was a charging cord in the car! Nice. Got home, watched my friend stream plasmaphobia for a bit while I finished a birthday gift, and hung out and slept when she quit streaming. 

Friend’s birthday party day!! Also dad moving day!! The first task of the day was to drive with my dad down to the nearest uhaul to pick up a big ol’ truck, and follow him home in the car while he lead the way in the truck. Then we brought his car full of shit to the apartment, got his key and paid his first month, and looked through everything to do inspection. Tbh it’s a pretty nice apartment, I’d love to spend some time there once it’s a bit more furnished. My favorite part is a Harry Potter style hidey hole closet that’s meant for storage, but it’s the perfect size for a secluded hangout spot for me. I’ll totally let him use it for storage if he wants, I just like sitting in there. I joked that I would let Emily hang out in the spare bedroom and I could get the tiny room. But we spent time cleaning and looking around and bringing in boxes before dad sent me to pick up lunch, my sister, and another car load of boxes. I left to do all 3 and came back with Mcallisters, and we all sat on the floor and ate together. A very nice way to break in a new apartment. We brought in boxes and dad sent us on a quest to pick up a car part and drop it off where the car we dropped off the day before. We got there just fine, but getting to the second location was a nightmare because of all my wrong turns and u turns and no left turns, it was awful. I mean we got there eventually but still. By then it was time for me to get home so I could wash my hair and get ready for the party!! I got everything ready, but my sister wouldn’t be home with the car on time, so I just took my mom’s van. I was on time for once!! But in exchange I didn’t realize I had forgotten Cassidy’s gift until I was like 3 minutes away. But also I found driving my moms van very easy compared to last time I tried to drive it, and I think I’m a much more confident driver now :) but I was one of the first to arrive, accidentally twinned with cass, waited for everyone to show up, met her new dog, and then we all packed up the picnic basket and walked to the top of a hill to have our little sandwiches and play cards against humanity. On the walk there we passed by a park where little kids were asking why we were all dressed up if it wasn’t Halloween, so I shouted at them that it was her birthday and handed them the branch I was carrying. We played CAH on the hill and ate little sandwiches and meatballs and drank sparkling juice and had a lovely time, and when we were done, we walked back to her house where there was pizza and we all changed out of our formal wear. My bra was sewed into my dress with 6 stitches, so I grabbed some scissors and flashed my friend’s cat as I cut my bra free of the dress because I forgot to bring an extra. I changed into my ghostbusters shirt and snake onesie and joined everyone outside for pizza and lots and lots of stories and ice cream cake and gossip and quiplash and balloons and gifts and CAH and friends leaving and new friends arriving and more quiplash and then the grass getting cold and wet and going ham on keeping the balloons up and then playing that’s what she said (basically CAH but ✨for women ✨) and by this time there was a dude I didn’t know but he was very nice and cute and already taken. Tbh I didn’t know half the people there, there was a group of 4 cool alt people I had never met and then the 4 band kids I already knew but everyone else seemed to know each other and they all had great energy so I yelled a lot and joked a ton and had an amazing time. As the crowd dwindled and the night got cooler, I helped put things away before I left so I could be a nice guest, said my goodbyes, gathered my things, and drove home past midnight. Ask walked around the house turning off lights like my mom asked, I realized that my dad wouldn’t be sleeping here anymore, and I felt bad that he had to spend the night all alone in his new apartment :( and this is going to be a huge financial burden that idk if he can afford, rent for the apartment is almost as much as my mom pays for the house. Jejdjgjt this is all a mess and I would like to go back to ignoring it all <3 Listened to a lot of two trucks by lemon demon lmao

Hoo boy howdy I did a lot of shit today. Basically as soon as I woke up I got a text from dad about us helping him move with a promise of donut holes and a fruit platter. I walked out to the garage to find our family friends the drakes helping to move boxes, so we all spent several hours loading boxes into our cars and driving back and forth from the house to the apartment, with emily and I avoiding the drakes as much as possible lmao. When we had moved as much as we could in the car, we started loading up the uhaul, shoving as much shit in there as possible so we only had to do one trip there and back. Partially through unloading the truck the drakes stopped cleaning things before we brought them in left and some randos from dad’s work came to help unload and somewhere in the middle of all this our aunt and uncle and her service dog came to visit?? Bruh idk so much stuff happened. Emily asked me to take her home so she could work on school stuff and we put things back into the garage and I went back to the apartment to help with stuff and hang out with my aunt while my dad and uncle returned the truck. We made a list of stuff I might need for college and I wrote it down on a notepad and most of the page space was taken up by ponies tbh. The men brought back burger king and eventually my aunt and uncle left. I helped my dad clean up and set up his wifi and we watched mama Mia. It was my first time seeing the film, and it was really dang fun. Then I made dad drive me ho e since emily was still gone with the silver car. I’ll spend he night over there eventually, but not yet. I’m exited to eventually invite friends over since I’ve never been able to do that before. So now I’m home trying g to go to sleep so I can work tomorrow. I keep thinking about smoking weed and making out with someone in the hidey hole in dad’s apartment............ even tho I have literally no one to do that with afsagssg I’m a CHILD. 

Had dreams last night about being stuck on the infinity train again, except there was a mechanic of switching the world between 2d and 3d and the cast of Bluey had to help bingo go through stages of grief / character moments to help her get off the train or something. I was tossing and turning for a few hours anxiously waking up thinking I was gonna be late and going back to bed so I could sleep/dream more. But then I finally got up, fed my cat, fed myself, helped clean the kitchen a little bit, got ready for work, arrived 15 minutes late on accident, worked register for 6 hours, got more comfortable with register and learned how to do stuff, lots of friendly people, lots of me struggling and my bones hurting, dad brought me food but I couldn’t get to my lunch break until everything was room temperature. The chicken sandwich reheated well but the fries did not. After work dad and I stopped by the house, I got an info card to fill out so I can be called in for jury duty eventually, dad handed me $50 for dinner for us and my sister, we laid on the floor and looked at the noodles and company menu, drove there, picked up our food, had a lovely dinner at dad’s apartment, laid around while he talked to Greg on the phone, went to target to pick up small apartment things like a clock and a trash can and some small groceries but it made me nervous because I hate spending money and watching my dad spend money he may or may not have, and by then we were tired as shit and after dropping his stuff off emily and I drove home and I tried teaching her how to crochet for a school project. Now I’m hanging out wanting to go to bed and thinking about how everybody else my age working at ACE is doing like 60 hours a week with 2 jobs and saving for college and I’m just sitting here with probably 14 hours a week and fuck. I don’t want to spiral into shit, I just want to keep busy as much as possible. Maybe I’ll ask for as many work hours as possible, maybe I’ll ask my friends to hang out, idk. Right now I jut want to be busy so I don’t have to think about anything. I’ll spend as much time as possible helping my dad set up his apartment, I don’t care.

WAAAAA TODAY AT WORK WAS SO STRESSFUL, I LEFT FELLNG SO FRAZZLED IT SUCKED. basically I worked register for 4 hours but they’re all trying to ween me off asking for help to get me more comfortable, and we were surprisingly busy, and my garden boss becky asked me to do 2 extra things and my boss boss kept asking about paperwork that I couldn't fill out because I needed my sister to text me something, and an old man got mad at me over the phone because no-one was out there to fill his propane tank and I had a lady waiting for 10 minutes for someone to help load salt into her car and a middle aged man tried to use sarcasm at me while I was in friendly cashier mode aND IM SORRY I HAVE ADHD I DONT GET IT PLEASE S T O P and I tried answering the phone more and I didnt get the things done that becky asked and I left shit there because I just wanteD OUT. afterwards I went to target to get something, idk im writing this afterwards so I not really remember 

and today, my day off. ugh god I dont remember what I did, I know I picked up a vent for my mom’s bathroom and I just went to go get Taco Bell with my sister and bought her some more about crocheting and she’s making progress :) tomorrow is my friend’s birthday and last year I made her a felt doll of her fursona, so today I started making a crochet doll for her. so far I have the body and libs, but I still need to make the muzzle, tail, ears, attach everything, and hand-sew on all the markings and glue on button eyes. or maybe felt eyes, idk. my stomach hurts and I got upset because I told my mom my cat may be sick because her pee looked suspicious so I crocheted and watched my little pony and now I have a headache and im just trying to listen to music but really I just want to watch 50 arms videos at once but it wasn't loading right and idk man I dont know what’s happening, I may be going into work tomorrow. I think now that I have a job to do 3-4 times a week, I dont feel like I can just chill and wing it anymore, it’s like I have plans forever now. and oh god I still have to sig up for college orientation night or whatever, but my mind hasn'tt been on college for like a month or longer. I think im just going to take some Advil and try to relax with my cat and my music. holy shit dude. I know none’s gonna read this but just. fuck. also I should really post these more frequently rather than let them pile up in my texts. thinking about going back and adding all the dates like I did with my early quarantine diary, but that feels like a lot of work

[nikkigrand]

There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m abandoning all of my works. Everything.

This post is going to be long, honest, triggering and deeply personal. So for those who don’t want to read through all of my bullshit, the gist is that I’m not emotionally or mentally capable of writing anymore.

TW ARE IN PLACE.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that my boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan last year. Since then, my life has been a breathless decline into self destruction. I didn’t know—I still don’t know—how to recover from happily waiting for his return to painfully knowing he never will. I swear that some days I feel like he’s still out there and some day he’ll come home and this will all be just a bad dream. I want to wake up to a reality where he steps off that plane and into my arms, where I don’t keep a crumpled old t shirt that smells more of me than him under my pillow, where the shock of hearing certain songs doesn’t make me throw up. A reality where I don’t have to sit in front of his ashes every time I visit his mother and look at his singed necklace around her neck.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Just wake the fuck up and feel alive again because for so long I had felt this choking pain and grief and misery and then nothing.

Everything became an escape, something to fill that void in me. I tried all the healthy things. I ate, I worked out, I ran. I talked to people about how I felt and reached out, but nothing helped. I volunteered, i planted trees and flowers, I channeled my grief into kindness. I tried to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful, and still I felt nothing. I was falling falling falling into this black pit and was reaching for anything to keep me from hitting the bottom.

So I started chasing highs. The standard shit at first. I drank so much alcohol that I’d wake up in bushes with my friends, limbs tangled in ways that left me sore and stinging for days because who the hell passes out in a Rose bush?

At first, drinking was fucking hell, because no matter how much I drank I’d always end up with my head cradled in the palms of my hands, fingers digging into my scalp as I screamed and wailed and asked why why why why when he was so close to coming home and why was life so goddamn mean??? I’d be in bar bathrooms, just curled in the corner and sobbing like a dramatic princess until my friends carried me out. This happened about a dozen times before it just stopped, because I figured I wasn’t drinking enough if I could remember everything.

So I drank more and more and more and then I realized that it wasn’t making me feel better, it wasn’t doing anything for me.

So I started smoking. Just weed, you know. Nothing too crazy at the time. But all that did was make me hyper-fixate on all of my failures and short comings. It made me hate myself so viscerally, so deeply that I wondered if this is who I truly am at my core. A mean bitch who drinks, smokes, parties. A maneater who fucks these poor kind hearted men to fill that hole her dead man left inside her and still finds herself cold and numb after because it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I’m sure you know where this is going. But I hated myself. I’m a beautiful girl, I’m not blind, and yet I found myself to be so fucking ugly. So fucking ugly and grey and all I wanted—all I needed—was something to breathe life into me the way life itself did before.

I just wanted to feel happy and normal. Only for a little while. That need was so encompassing it would grip my insides and I’d cry from how much I wanted it, how much I had convinced myself I needed it. It was all I fucking wanted.

So the bumps came. And then the lines. And then whole baggies to myself. And it felt amazing, it was wonderful. The world was alive, things were different. I had more energy, more life in me than I had in months. Then the other type of lines came and it made me feel like I was floating away. There was no pain, no misery, no death hanging over my shoulder to remind me that the strength of your love can’t make people stay.

But soon, that too wasn’t enough. Like every other thing, I felt there was something better, something that could make me feel more. So here is where I tell you about all the pills I popped, all the different colored presses and how each one pulled me out of that hole I was falling into and deposited me above the ground —much higher than I could have ever dreamed of—and filled my grey world with beautiful gorgeous colors.

Then I can tell you about all the tabs I let dissolve on my tongue, or fully swallowed out of impatience, all of the lines of ketamine I combined with ecstasy and acid in one night. The things I saw, the way I felt—it took me far from this dismal life and was addicting. I was chasing something every weekend until it became every other day, chasing some feeling I still can’t name, and I knew that it was ruining me.

My grief and my drugs were killing me, and I knew it. With every cotton mouth, every clenched jaw, every pounding headache, I fucking knew and didn’t care. I’d look at my friends faces and I knew, I knew they loved me and would be devastated if they knew what I was doing, and I still didn’t care. What was life if it felt this empty?

My grades dropped, i turned down a contracting job I wanted for years, I spent all my money on psychedelics and stimulants, and it had gotten to a point where I’d pop a pill while sitting at home just because I didn’t want to be sober and didn’t want to think about how fucked up my life was becoming.

Then one day I was at a concert, high in the clouds with a joint settled comfortably between my lips and frizzy hair piled messily atop my head, when I saw a girl get carried out the venue by medics. She was probably a few years younger than I am, and i remember looking at her face impassively as they pushed through the crowd with her body thrown over this bear of a man’s shoulder as if in slow motion. She was pale and foaming at the mouth, with her arms dangling limply down his back, and she looked dead—she was dead. I knew in that same way you know that the sky is blue when the sun is up, I just knew.

And in that moment—those few seconds it took me to acknowledge that she had most likely overdosed and died—this intense yearning shot through me, so strong that I felt it in the crooks of my fucking elbows, like I wanted to embrace whatever the fuck it was that I desired to live inside me, and this voice cried out, “I wish that were me.”

And you know what, I didn’t even know I had spoken until the guy next to me shoved me in the shoulder and said, “no you don’t.”

And that terrified me. I remember dropping the joint, fumbling it in my shaking fingers, burning myself on the lit end, before handing it off to that same random guy and running off to get some air.

I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I know I’m depressed, I know I’ve got issues, but I had never said something so suicidal out loud up until that point. I’ve never vocally wished for death and even as I sat there, as I looked out at the people outside the venue huddled together doing whip it’s and killing brain cells, I still wanted to be that poor dead girl on that man’s shoulders.

That was it for me. I remember calling an Uber home on the spot and taking everything I had and flushing it. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was easy. I had convinced myself that I needed these things to make me happy, and i don’t know if I can ever see life the same way after them. The feelings you get off these things are otherworldly, it’s so damn good, but they come at a price. You dont feel the same way you did before you took them, and you never will. You’ll never be who you were before that high, but you can almost convince yourself that it’s worth it. So it was pretty damn hard to take my neon presses, my rocks. my capsules, my bud and my tabs, and flush them down the toilet.

Almost immediately after I did it, I cried. Mostly because i had flushed hundreds of dollars down the fucking toilet, but also because I had become that girl in those cheesy college movies. You know the one, the one where the party girl gets addicted to drugs and goes on a bender and her whole life is just one big goddamn tragedy that won’t end. I hate those fucking movies and I, for the life of me, could not believe I was that girl.

I had been military, straight laced with a good head on my shoulders and a hard worker. I was smart, respected, the girl everyone wanted to bring home to mom. And now I was a hot mess crying in my bathroom because I had just flushed my addiction down the shitter.

Now I’m just home, trying to gather the pieces of myself in a way that doesn’t cause long term damage when I’ve yet to hit my 27th birthday.

I still go out with my friends. They know nothing about what I’ve done because I’ve always gone out and done things alone. This is the first time I’ve ever spilled my guts.

So where does FanFiction come into play in all this. Well, it’s simple, really, if you’ve gotten to this point and picked out all the mistakes in grammar. My brain is so fucked up that I can barely write a passable 3 page essay. I can’t remember words, much less how to string them together to form something beautiful in the way I used to. Trust me, it kills me and I’ve agonized over it for hours. I once tried to take this amazing idea I had and put it to paper but it would just not flow. Nothing made sense. Where before writing was effortless and focused, now my brain could barely concentrate on forming a sentence that didn’t sound like gibberish.

My attention span is so short that I literally have to isolate myself with no internet and my textbooks to get work done. It’s so bad that I have anxiety and panic attacks about the fact that I feel like a whole dumbass with one brain cell, where before I was proud of my intelligence and could hold decent conversation.

I’m still pretty, as if that fucking matters, but now I’ve got a stutter and can’t hold eye contact because my paranoia makes me think they’re judging me. And let me tell you, I’m so fucking pissed about that because I know it’s just my fried brain thinking these things, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

And I still feel empty and numb. How can I write about love and human emotions when I don’t feel anything? How can I write about looking at someone and loving them when the memory of love faded like my lover’s ashes in the wind? I just can’t.

I know love as it whispers against my skin with each interaction between me, friends, even other men, and yet I look at them and feel absolutely nothing.

So Yeah, I can’t write my stories if I can’t get my brain or my heart to work.

I’m really sorry to all my loyal readers. I really am. I wish I had been stronger. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years.

Don’t do drugs.

[min-meowmeow]

Somewhere in the Crowd

Yoongi x Reader

Fluff

Word count: 3,000

Warnings: None

Synopsis: Yoongi finds himself missing you while he's on tour, but one phone call gives him the surprise of his life.

----

Yoongi was two seconds away from losing his mind. Around him, the room spun in a cacophony of noises with Jungkook and Taehyung lip syncing to an overplayed pop song blaring from Jungkook’s phone speakers while the other members laughed at the stupid facial expressions they were making. Usually, Yoongi would be joining his other members in bewildered amusement at the younger men’s actions, or maybe even join in on the bad lip syncing by adding overly dramatic arm movements, but tonight, of all nights, Yoongi felt nothing but overwhelmed. 

Tonight, instead of joining in, he settled himself into the corner of the room flicking through social media feeds that were failing to hold his attention for longer than a few minutes. There was just a lack of something special across them all, something that he desperately sought out at this moment, but also desperately tried to avoid. He felt restless anxiety course through the bloodstream under his skin. 

Another half a second, he couldn’t take it. 

Plucking himself out of the chair that he had been perched in for the better part of the last two hours, Yoongi took languid steps towards the exit on the other side of the room. He hoped nobody would notice him or ask where he was going because he didn’t have a clear excuse in mind. He just knew that he had to get out and calm down before he allowed his mood to impact the other members. An hour before the first show of their European tour, Yoongi didn’t want to bring down the mood by making them worry about him. 

Especially because he knew exactly what he needed. 

He shouldered his way through the door with a hand already pulling his phone out of his pocket. The only eyes he had caught were Namjoon’s, who had given him a reassuring smile and a thumbs up that Yoongi half-heartedly attempted to return before disappearing around the door frame. 

He felt instant relief once he was outside the room, despite the chaos of the preshow preparation. A number of people brushed past him with equipment being rolled around in a frenzy of last minute stage checks. He knew everyone on his team that passed, but they thankfully mentioned nothing, not even his name. This made him feel a sense of privacy, an aloneness he only felt when he was on the fringes of a crowd that didn’t care about him. An aloneness that provided him the comforting courage to find your number in his contacts list and press “dial.” 

God, how much he missed you. Your delicate smile in the early mornings when you both had days off and were allowed to sleep late, your familiar hands brushing through his hair on quiet evenings while he rested his head just above the sound of your soft heartbeat, the slow kisses you would share when you both knew the world was slowing down just for you. He hadn't seen you in two months. 

It was killing him. 

He listened to the staccato of the call tone with bated breaths. He hadn’t an idea of what he would say when you picked up the line. Of course, he would apologize profusely for waking you up as it was, no doubt, the very early hours of the morning back home, but beyond that he wasn’t sure. He didn’t even know if he wanted to say anything or just sit on the line with you while you mumbled sleepily about your day or about how much you missed him. He just wanted to feel close with you somehow while he was a thousand worlds away. He just wanted to hear you say that you loved him. 

Your voicemail caught him off guard; the anxious movements of his mouth sloping down into a pout at the automated message informing him that you were not available. He cursed the device before removing the phone from his ear pushing the “end” button with a vicious stab of his finger before he left evidence of his annoyance in the form of a disgruntled message delivered from a noisy hallway in a Glasgow arena.

It is late, he justified, checking the time back home to try and rationalize why you didn’t answer. He didn’t like the rotting feeling in his chest at the denied contact. It wasn’t your fault, yet his sour mood worsened the longer he stared at the digital clock that read Seoul’s time. 4:15 am. At least you’d probably be awake after the show. 

He paused a breath in his throat for a single heartbeat, allowing it release when he turned his gaze downward to the tiled floor. The only hope that remained for him came in the solace that he’d get to see you again after the final leg of his tour. Just four more stops. One more month. He only hoped he could make it that long. 

Quietly, he turned to face the closed door of the waiting room with careful dread and a game plan already set. He’d sit back down in his chair, pop in his headphones and listen to the loudest track he knew of. He promised himself that he wouldn’t go through your social media feed or stare longingly at the couple pictures you were both so fond of taking. He promised he wouldn’t make it worse by making himself miss you more. 

Steps stalled just as he was about to push open the door to the dressing room when the device in his palm vibrated with a flash of your name scrawled out on the screen. Elation and relief washed over his body immediately. 

“Hey, babe. You called?” you sounded so sweetly nonchalant that Yoongi had to stop himself from ranting about how much he loved the beautiful timbre of your voice. 

He took several weighted breaths before responding, “Yeah, just wanted to talk.” 

“Oh?” the uptick in your tone made him smile. 

“Nothing bad,” he explained, “just missed you.”

The tremble in his voice at the confession was something Yoongi hoped you didn’t catch through the tiny speakers of your phone.

“Yoon, baby, I miss you too,” you returned knowingly indicating that you had, indeed, heard the tremor. 

Your words made his throat close around any other words he could possibly say in response leaving you both sitting on the line for a few beats without a thing passing between the two of you. Instead, he listened carefully to the noises around you that he could hear through the phone until the sound of your breaths began lulling him in a trance of warm familiarity making him wish he was by your side so much more. It tore his heart in half until you spoke again.

“How’s the show going?” You asked. 

Yoongi fell back into his existing body within the space of the concert stadium with a lousy pout. 

“Hasn’t started yet. We’re waiting another hour,” he sighed, propping his head against the wall when he heard a loud clamboring noise filter in through the speaker pressed firmly against his ear. Confusion etched its way into the crease of his brow only to further deepen when he realized that he could hear the same noise coming from down the busy hallway he was stood in. “Wait, why are you awake? Where are you?” 

You hummed into the receiver, “Give me a few more steps and you’ll find out.” 

Spiking trepidation warred with diligent hope as Yoongi took your words in. There was no way they were intended to mean what he thought they’d meant. There was no way. He swallowed the anxiety. “Babe, what do you mean?” 

“Turn to the left, Yoon.” 

His slow gaze wandered in the direction of your instructions already bracing himself to find no one there, but when his eyes caught yours, a feeling beyond happiness consumed his veins in an electric fire. 

There you were standing in the same hallway he had entered from hours earlier, your beautifully warm smile greeting his starved gaze. You were like a myth come to life from the pages of an archaic tome he had been desperate to decipher. Only now that you were standing in front of him did it all make sense. 

Yoongi didn’t even think to hang up the phone before launching his exhausted body towards your awaiting figure. Arms laced around your waist when he reached you, head pressed into the crook of your neck while your own arms encircled his hunched shoulders in a python hold. Your rose scented perfume engulfed his senses in such a strong feeling of belonging that Yoongi promised he’d never let you go again. 

“How are you here?” his reverent whisper blew across the dip of your collarbones. 

You cupped the back of his head to press him just a little closer to you. 

“Took some time off so I could surprise you. Joon helped me plan the best day,” you muttered into the expanse of his shoulder. 

Yoongi ever so gently untangled himself from your limbs to provide you with an unobstructed view of his exquisite features. It was then that you noticed the thin layer of shimmering tears sprinkling along his eyelashes. He turned his face down to avoid your scrutinizing gaze. 

“That sneaky asshole,” he grumbled with a quick swipe of his thumb across his eyes, “he could have said something.” 

Small fingers brushed against Yoongi's cheeks to swipe away the remaining residue of his spent tears, your smile sympathetic and warm, wholly understanding. “Babe, that's not how surprises work.” 

His hand cradled yours along his cheek. “Dont care.”

The twinkling lightness of your laugh soon became Yoongi's favorite sound. He admired the happy creasing of your eyelids around the curve of your smile with a reverent stare appreciating every little intricate quirk that made you so undoubtedly you. Hungry eyes devoured your features from the slope of your nose to the shimmering apple of your cheeks and when he couldn't take any more, he lowered his petal lips onto yours. 

He kissed roses onto your lips while his hands found purchase around the curve of your hips holding you so desperately close he felt as if  he might disappear if he let go. Your own hands wound into the neckline of his pressed button up more than likely wrinkling the fabric but the glide of Yoongi's cherry lips made it very hard to care. You were lost in each other so deeply it seemed the universe took a pause. 

“Have I told you how much I’ve missed you?” he whispered against the press of your lips. 

“Hmm,” you hummed, “Not in the last five seconds.” 

“Well,” he kissed you again. “I have.” His lips trekked across your cheek. “A lot.” They pressed against your forehead. “Just in case you didn’t know.” 

Your face broke out into a delighted giggle with each individual flutter of his puckered mouth finding purchase on the features of your face. He didn’t stop, not even when multiple people of the stage crew chuckled endearingly at his affection towards you as they passed. Your cheeks flushed, the red hue muddled under the length of his digits, but still visible to those wandering by.  

“Yoongi,” you whined, fighting back the urge to bury your face into the slippery fabric of his shirt. “People are watching.” 

He pressed a deliberate kiss onto the slope of your nose then along the edge of your jaw while repeated muttered words of “don’t care” slipped between each peck. Your own hands had to physically hold his face between two pressed palms inches away from you just to get him to focus, and when he did you could see the longing swirling in his eyes being devoured by uncontrollable happiness. 

Your heart thrummed in your chest, each vibrating beat finding a home with him. 

“Hyung!” an elated voice broke the silence between the two of you with your eyes searching to find the source while Yoongi’s remained trained on you, his hold ever tighter on your hips. To your excitement and Yoongi’s dismay, Jungkook stood with his head popped through the door, expression reflecting his surprise at seeing you there. “Oh! Noona? What’re you doing here?” 

“I quit my job to follow you guys on tours,” you joked. 

Jungkook’s eyes grew in surprise. “Noona! You wouldn’t.” 

“Of course she wouldn’t. She’s too proud to be a trophy wife,” Yoongi chimed in, removing his hands from around your waist only to have one tuck your own tiny palm securely into his. “Let’s go back inside.” 

Re-entering the room felt less troublesome for Yoongi with you by his side. No longer were the noises from the other people too loud and obnoxious, but instead just a part of the comforting atmosphere of pre-show jitters. 

Everyone was idling around. Hoseok and Jimin were practicing the choreo for the intro song while Taehyung mirrored them jokingly in the back. Jin sat with his eyes trained on the screen of his phone, but his movements gave away that he was not so secretly checking himself out with the camera. Then there was Namjoon, the clever man whom Yoongi admired, conversing with one of the make up artists as she touched up his foundation, a secretive smirk layered on his face when he spotted the three of you walk in. 

“Hey! Look who’s here!” Jungkook cheered with happily raised arms angled at the elbows to point behind him where you and Yoongi trailed. 

The majority of the movement ceased when the attention of the people in the room fell on you. The first to react was Hoseok, Yoongi’s best friend and your notorious partner in crime. 

“Dude! What’re you doing here?” he asked, feet automatically carrying him over to where you stood where he then wrapped you up in his welcomingly warm hug. You returned the sentiment as best you could, but found it difficult with Yoongi’s grip anchoring you to his side. 

“I came to visit you guys. It felt lonely back home,” you pouted. 

Hoseok patted your head affectionately when he finally released you, his gaze catching on Yoongi for a second to appreciate the subtle upturn of Yoongi’s expression.  

“Aw!” Jin’s derisive tone seeped into the sugar sweet pull of his lips. “Thank you for including us even though we all know you only came for Yoongi.” 

“Who else would she come for?” Yoongi asked, appalled. 

“Me, obviously,” Jin returned. 

To Yoongi’s surprise, you couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped passed your grinning lips. He didn’t think it was as funny, even though he knew Jin didn’t actually mean it. He assumed that he was still a bit emotional, a little bit too selfish, wanting your laugh only for himself. 

“You planned it perfectly, Noona,” Taehyung said with his boxy smile, “Yoongi’s been quieter than usual.” 

You flicked your gaze towards the man stood beside you. His own gaze was locked on the tiled floor that seemed so much more appealing to him than the conversation happening around him. You nudged his side with your joined hands, your warm smile pulling him into your incandescent light.  

“I have special girlfriend senses,” Yoongi’s heart nearly exploded in his chest with your adorable response to the red haired man. 

“Yeah, right.” Namjoon laughed, “She had help.” 

“Hyung, you knew?” Jungkook’s signature startled expression returned. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Namjoon only delivered a shrug, but Yoongi knew the true answer before the snide comment left your sweet lips, confirming his assumptions.. “That’s because none of you can keep a secret.” 

The remaining five men each called their own offended remark. Yoongi could tell that Hoseok, being the loudest and the closest, made you feel just a smidgen bad about not letting him know. But, overall, you could only find yourself laughing at their reactions because, no matter how hard they denied it, it was the truth.

“Twenty minute call,” the stage manager abruptly notified from the now fully open entrance to the dressing room, garnering the attention of everyone in the room. 

Yoongi’s eyes immediately fell to you where he found an encouraging smile devastating his heart. The thought of leaving so soon after barely being able to hold you in his arms gave Yoongi a mild panic. “Watch from backstage?” Yoongi’s hopeful gaze begged. 

“Actually, because of my super special connections,” You smiled while reaching into your back pocket for a little slip of barcoded paper, “I got front row tickets.”

The grin he wore at the reveal only conveyed a fraction of what he was feeling. For Yoongi, it was already special just having you in the same city let alone the same arena, but the knowledge that you would be amidst the glowing light sticks screaming your lungs out for him made this Yoongi’s new favorite experience. 

“I’ll see you after the show.” Yoongi’s digits held tightly onto yours until the very last second before he had to leave you standing in the room with a member of the security team ready to escort you out into the main floor of the stadium. Without a care in the world, he pressed one last kiss against the plump of your lips before grinning. “I love you.” 

Then he pulled farther away, eyes still on you until he turned the corner at the doorframe of the dressing room entrance. His heart was settled neatly in your hand while he walked the corridor that led to the backstage area where he could already hear the millions of fans cheering for the show to begin. He promised himself he would be listening for one specific cheer, no matter how impossible it was. With that in mind, Yoongi took his position in line waiting for the final call, an ecstatic thrum flowing in his veins with the knowledge that out there, somewhere in the crowd, was you.  

[vintagesewingmachine]

The Shadowsinger - Azriel - 4/?

Azriel struggles to contain his feelings - for Elain, for Mor, for himself- and a jewel thief is running around Velaris, causing confusion. And with Cassian in Illyria, Azriel feels alone in his darkness. Into this mess waltzes a stranger, an enigma who calls herself Amuten with a mysterious past and connection to Amren.

Warning: angst, depressed thoughts, self-loathing, dark azriel, cold azriel, anxiety

dont worry there is happy Az too

<<Previous -- Next>>

Azriel sat in Rhysand’s office with him, flipping through reports. Azriel notices as Rhys looks down at his desk with a curious expression on his tanned face. 

     “This letter is addressed to you, I think, Az.” Rhys handed him a letter.

     The envelope was of good quality, expensive. Heavy, almost. 

      Rhysand cleared his throat. “Read the other side.”

     Azriel turned the envelope over in his hands. 

     In exquisite calligraphy, it read: To The Most Beautiful Mysterious Curious Shadowsinger of the Night Court 

     He opened the envelope and slid out the letter. Again, good quality, expensive paper. Quite a few pages, too. 

      Dear Azriel, it said in messy, yet elegant, scrawl. 

      I never did get to tell you the juicy gossip I promised. If you are still curious, be at the Seventh Lamppost on the Seventh Bridge across the Sidra when the sun bleeds the sky red.

     Wear something nice, Spymaster. 

     Thats all I really had to say, but I bought a lot of paper to put in this envelope to make it more intriguing to on-lookers. Flip through and scan the pages, please. I do love tricking people. 

     Sincerely, The Most Beautiful, Mysterious, and Curious

     And that was it. Azriel kept his face neutral as he did as she asked, even though it made him chuckle inside. The writer was obviously Amuten. Eventually he folded the letter and extra pages up and slipped it back into it’s envelope. It vanished in a puff of black smoke to his desk at home. 

     “Who was that from?” His High Lord questioned. 

     Azriel debated telling him it was from The Most Beautiful, Mysterious, and Curious. He settled on “Someone possible information on the jewel thief.” Truth. 

     Rhys raised a brow and commented, “Sounds like they have a pretty high opinion of you. What did it say? The Most Beautiful, Mysterious, Curious Shadowsinger of the Night Court?”

      “The first two were crossed out.”

      Rhys gave him a look. “They wouldn’t have written it if they didn’t think it.”

      The shadowsinger shrugged. “She signed it as The Most Beautiful, Mysterious, and Curious with nothing crossed out, so I don’t think you should read too much into it.”

     “A she? Oh, Az, do you have a secret lover?” His brother teased. 

     “No.”

     Rhys looked into his eyes, as if attempting to discern the truth. Good luck with that. Azriel held the stare, unreadable ice in his hazel eyes. 

     This staring contest went on for several heart beats before Rhys eventually gave up. 

     “Whatever,” he sighed dramatically. “Don’t tell me anything.”

      Azriel winnowed away without another word. 

*****

Azriel lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. His shadows floated leisurely around the room, most settling in dark corners or underneath his bed. 

     Sunset approaches, his shadows murmur to him. The shifter will await your presence soon.

     Alright, alright. Azriel sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes. After forcing himself to get off the bed, he ruffled through his closet.  No, no, no. 

     His shadows rushed to help him, black ripples of excitement. Here. 

     Azriel pulled out the clothing his shadows and picked out. The nicest thing in his closet. A simple, formal black jacket and suit pants and a crisp white shirt with a bow tie. 

     I am not wearing a tuxedo for a meeting to gather information. He got the impression that if they had been able, his shadows would’ve shrugged as they retreated, leaving him to his own judgement since he had dismissed their own. 

     Azriel ended up putting on casual black pants, a form-fitting white shirt, and a black jacket. He left the jacket open, and strapped Truth-Teller to shiny black belt. It was classy enough to pass in most place in Velaris, but he would certainly never be overdressed. He wondered why Amuten had told him to wear something nice. The spymaster of the High Lord of the Night Court looked down and argued with shadows about what shoes to wear.

     Totally normal.

     His shadows won out, so he pulled on dress shoes rather than his combat boots. Finally, he looked in the mirror to assess his appearance. Not that he would ever admit it, but Azriel liked to look good. Intimidating and mysterious, but sleek. 

     And he did. With sapphire siphons on his hands, large wings creating hulking shadows behind him, and inky hair, he looked good. 

     A thought popped unbidden into his mind. What would Elain think? He blushed, thankful it was invisible to himself in the dark. 

     Yes, Azriel was getting ready without the lights on. He rarely had lights on.

*****

The wind ruffled his black hair and cut through his clothing. As evening grew, the spring air chilled.

     He grinned and flapped his massive wings. Man, he loved flying.

*****

Azriel had already scoped out the meeting spot beforehand. So now he leaned against the seventh lamppost on the seventh bridge, one hand in his pocket and the other resting casually on the hilt of Truth-Teller. Shadows swirled around him, blending in with the darkness as the sun continued its path behind the mountains. 

     Amunet wasn’t here yet. Not that he could see, anyway. Realizing he had no idea what to look for (she could change her appearance after all), he sent some shadows to seek her out. They singled out a tall, elegant female who looked High Fae with pearly skin and pale blonde hair. Ice blue eyes met his across the bridge, and she sashayed her way to him. Amuten wore a silver evening gown that hugged her curves until it fell in a sparkling waterfall to pool at her feet, with a split up to her mid-thigh, so when she stepped her left leg forward, you got a full view of her long, smooth leg, and the dusty silver, strappy heels. The dress also had sheer sleeves that reached her the middle of her forearm, showcasing a large silver-and-diamond bracelet on one wrist. A matching pair of chandelier earring hanged from her ear lobes. 

     Azriel almost wished he had listened to his shadows and worn the tux. 

     “Hey, Azriel,” Amuten greeted him warmly. Then she eyed him in a way that had his insides fluttering. “You look even more handsome than usual. Absolutely dashing.”

     “Thank you,” he murmured, trying not to blush. “You look stunning.”

     Azriel had a feeling she would have tossed her hair had the locks not been swept, pinned and curled with diamond pins over one shoulder. 

     But she did flash him grin, saying, “I know.” No sharp teeth this time. 

     Suddenly a shadow flew up to his ear. Your High Lord is near, and has suspected your presence. He will discover you within a few heartbeats. 

     Unwilling to be seen by his brother, Azriel stepped forward quickly, and grabbed her arm. Then, acting on shadowy instinct, he took her into the shadow realm. But not before catching a violet eye in the crowd. 

*****

Why he had taken her into the shadow realm instead of winnowing? Azriel didn’t know. (I do it makes the escape way more interesting.)

     But he did. He had rarely taken someone into this realm. Only a handful of times and even fewer people in centuries. They usually freaked out in the hallucinatory and chilling realm. But Amuten was come, if awed. Together, they weaved between the faeries. Once Amuten realized that this was shadow-Velaris was the same layout as regular Velaris, she tugged him in one direction. Towards the theatre part of time. They ran through the grey streets, shadowy feet not really touching the ground. The silence was deafening. In the shadow realm, you couldn’t even hear yourself breathe.

     Amuten tried to pull on his arm, but learned that nothing was really substantial in this realm, so she resorted to waving her shadow-arms wildly, leaving streaks of black in the shaded atmosphere. She pointed to the theatre door, and he brought them back into colour and sound and life.

     “That was freaking awesome!” Amuten’s eyes were glowing with exhilaration. 

     Azriel cracked a small smile at her. Amuten’s moods were so contagious. Shadows spun around them in stirred energy. Scraps of black nothingness still clung to the female. 

     When she peered at them curiously, he said, “They feel more at ease with someone who has been to their realm.”

     When she looked back up at him, she wore a smile so similar to Elain’s he had to blink. Elain. The female’s name flooded him with warm feelings. 

     When Amuten made to enter the orchestra hall, Azriel realized why she had told him to dress nicely. 

     They sat in Amuten’s private box, and listened to the concert. It was beautiful. Music never failed to arouse emotion with in the shadowsinger, and it made his shadows come out and surround him in contented silence. 

     During the intermission, Amuten told him that yet another jewel had been stolen, but another one was also returned. He thanked her for the information. 

     Then she asked, “Why are you called a shadowsinger? I mean, I get the shadow part, but what about the singer?”

     Azriel paused. Nobody had ever asked him that before. There was no harm in telling her. But it was private information. Besides, she was always asking questions but never telling him anything. 

     As if reading his thoughts, she said, “I’ll tell you something personal about me.”

     He cocked his head, silently signaling for her to go on.

     “I’m part Illyrian,” Amuten confessed. 

      Part Illyrian? What? That doesn't even make any sense. Does she have wings? 

      “I know what you’re thinking,” she went on. “And I’m not going to explain my messy, complicated lineage to you right now. Maybe some other time. But I do have wings, but I usually hide them, because I never learned how to fly.”

     Unsure how to respond, Azriel answered bluntly, “I sing to my shadows.”

     Their conversation was cut off when the performance started again, and they turned their attention to the stage. They spoke of nothing of importance for the remainder of the night, and parted ways after the show.

*****

The full moon shone down on the shadowsinger as he flew home. 

*****

eek okay so I drew Amuten from her first scene and i also used charcoal pencils to draw the scene where they are running through the shadow realm. I might post them. hope you guys liked this chapter. I know its short but I just wanted it up. 

Smiles, Holly ;)

[rectusdominus]

50 Questions Game

I was tagged by @lordfartwad thanks ily

1. what takes up too much of your time? panicking about things out of my control

2. what makes your day better? good music, sunshine, dancing/performing, working out and accomplishing something new

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today? nothing happened today. eating toast was the best thing to happen today.

4. what fictional place would you like to go? Pandora would be cool? idk

5. are you good at giving advice? most of my advice is useless in a practical sense, so no

6. do you have any mental illness? yeah depression, there’s definitely an anxiety related problem in there somewhere

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no but I’ve woken up multiple times with my arm completely numb and immovable and had to manually wake it up again. not great.

8. what musician inspired you the most? Kurt Cobain which sounds cliche but it’s valid. Billie Joe Armstrong is also up there

9. have you ever fallen in love? I technically say no, but I fall in love with different things in a romantic sense every day

10. what’s your dream date? fun thing would be a concert or to the movies, dinner either at a place or outside somewhere, maybe we can just fuck around town at night and then sit outside somewhere until it’s late. I want spontaneous fun with friends or partners idk

11. what do others notice about you? don’t really know, probably how uncomfortable/unprepared I am in social situations

12. what is the annoying habit you have? there’s too much to unpack here

13. do you still talk to your first love? not applicable

14. how many ex’s do you have? not applicable

15. how many songs are on your playlist? I have too many playlists but my spotify library is maxed out at 10,000

16. what instruments can you play? I used to play clarinet but I can’t really play anything

17. who do you have the most pictures of? myself probably, I don’t have friends

18. where would you like to go before you die? Vegas again, Italy would be cool, but definitely Vegas

19. what is your zodiac? Leo

20. do you relate to it? now that I’m mentally stable? hell yeah

21. what is happiness to you? performing in front of a big crowd under lights, the thrill being on a big roller coaster on a hot summer day, watching the kids I coach succeed

22. are you going through anything right now? college stuff, getting a car/license, deciding on what I want to do in the next few years/where I want to be with myself

23. what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? oh I’m not going down that road but thanks for asking

24. what’s your favourite store? Journey’s even tho I never buy anything there, I really should, the stuff is cool. I’m also really into sports apparel stores idk

25. what’s your opinion on abortion? I don’t necessarily “like” it but like.. it’s a safer option in some medical scenarios and also it’s none of my business if that’s something you want to do it’s better to have the option

26. do you keep a bucket list? not for my life, but I have stuff for the year or “by the time I’m this age” I take it as it comes

27. do you have a favourite album at the moment? The Menzingers, After the Party will always be The One

28. what do you want for your birthday? a tattoo or some piercings or a car or all of the above. NO WAIT I need to go skydiving bc I didn’t do it before I turned 20 so I have to do it while I’m 20

29. what are most peoples first impression of you? uhhh idk probably uncomfortable, seems kinda closed off so possibly bitchy, and idk she dresses kinda weird but I respect it

30. what age do you seem according to most people? younger than 20 I’ll tell you that

31. where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? too close to my head but it’s so I hear the alarm/vibration to wake up

32. what word or phrase do you say the most? I say “dude”, “bro”, “yo”, “sweet”, “sick”, and I use the word “just” a lot in sentences for some reason. I sound like a 14 year old in 1992

33. what’s the oldest age you would date? idk 23-25? it would have to be like.. really worth it tho

34. what’s the youngest age you would date? 19, I think my limit would always be a year or two younger than me

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you? they don’t really

36. what’s your favourite music genre? rock music

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? besides here in hell idk maybe New Zealand? I don’t like anywhere, we’re all fucked

38. what is your current favourite song? “Smile Like You Mean It” by The Killers

39. how long have you had this blog for? since early 2012 I think

40. what are you excited for? the future

41. are you a better talker or listener? listener, I can’t talk for shit

42. what is the last productive thing you did? try to make sure my college money is useful to me

43. what do you want for Christmas? a tattoo pls thanks

44. what class do you get the best grades in? apparently math? but really just the ones I care the most about

45. on a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? maybe an 8 just because I’m content but I do seriously wish I had something to do

46. what can you see yourself doing in 10 years? being a choreographer/coaching, or working behind the scenes somewhere for something related to my major

47. when did you get your first heartbreak? when my parents got divorced when I was 9, but it was for the best so !! yay

48. at what age do you want to get married? when/if it’s the time but not until after I’m 30

49. what career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to blow glass or be a welder or something

50. what do you crave right now? adventure

I tag: @whatlomalikes @boodhirooks @solovalker @gayperry @kingfindekano @bicon-pappymcpoyle and anyone else idk

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

[shardclan]

The Sundial Brewery was different after Cassis left, but not half so much as it was after Shiraz had descended to take his place. While Cassis had been a jolly crooner that brightened the mood, Shiraz was an idol that could bring out a frenetic, edgy energy in the patrons of the Brewery. Both of them were natural born entertainers, but it was very obvious why Shiraz occasionally did concerts at Bramble Step while Cassis had been content to play soulful yet light-hearted music by the riverbend.

Carnelian and Arcanus sat with their backs to the bar, sipping thougtfully in the company of the equally bemused owners. Cloudwhyte and Alchemilla weren't used to this sort of energy. As far as they were concerned, they ran a quiet bar that happened to keep musicians on hand for mood music, but the vibe had suddenly become that of a concert hall. Shiraz was strutting and stomping and wailing all up and down a range that was bafflingly powerful at every note. Even considering he was a nocturne didn't make it less astonishing. Shiraz had taken his natural talent for mimicry and made something amazing out of it. The crowd around him seemed to lean back every time he released more of his voice, literally being blown away by it, and with every pause for breath they rushed back in for more.

And though Shiraz' performance was technically a Trickmurk event (for those who didn't have the fortitude for the kind of celebrations Bramble Step was having), right at the front was Stellaria, flushed, bright-eyed and dazzled in a way she usually only was after she'd gotten in a fight. Verbena and young Rebis were bouncing along to the music beside her on one side while on the other Xandina was showing a surprising lack of bodily coordination for a hunter. Eos had come with them, despite being totally out of their element. Shiraz' style was too much for their already high-strung and nervous baseline state and rather than join the thrashing crowd, they'd opted for a single glass of wine that had overpowered them in a very different way.

Carnelian leaned back and shouted over his shoulder to the owners. "Where's Merlot?"

"She's taken Cassis leaving pretty hard," Cloudwhyte answered with a shrug. "New partners are hard for skydancers. If she doesn't like what she feels from Shiraz or the energy he generates when they work together, she won't sing with him."

Carnelian glanced thoughtfully at Shiraz, and a moth-eaten memory of a very different musician arose. "How'd she get on with Rime?"

"Rime had nothing on Shiraz," Alchemilla balked. "Rime was a mad scientist hiding in a musician's body!"

"Doesn't answer my question."

"What? Oh, I dunno, they got on okay, I guess? Rime was a screamer and Merlot's voice sounds the way top shelf brandy tastes so it's not like they ever sang together."

Carnelian hummed into his glass and nudged Arcanus. "You'll bore a hole through her if you keep staring."

Arcanus ignored the jibe and kept his eyes on his niece. "I understand the two of you had a talk."

Carnelian pressed his lips together, and patiently reasoned to himself that Arcanus hadn't asked about Atsushi at all and that was behavior that should be rewarded. "We did. Ironed some things out."

"I gather. She looks happy." He smiled faintly. "You know Ashes is jealous."

"Of what?!" Carnelian snorted. "I'm not her dad!"

"When did I mention anything about her being your daughter?" Arcanus asked innocently, just barely hiding a smirk. "She knows who and where her dad is--it's not a hole that needs filling." He dipped his head over toward the snugly sleeping figure of Eos. "But she's been very fond you since the event with the pearlcatcher scroll."

"Fuck off, that girl doesn't love anybody as much as she loves her Uncle Arcanus."

"She relies on you," Arcanus pressed smoothly. "And that's something that Ashes can't say. He's great for an inquiry about magic, but no honest person would call him reliable."

Carnelian stared at his friend with a curled lip and a tight fist. He couldn't get a rise out of him tonight and it was starting to piss him off. Even though he smiled and talked and phrased his words in just the right way to pick at Carnelian's nerves, Arcanus was poorly concealing an unusual anxiety.

"You're killing my mood," he accused. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm not sure."

Carnelian drained the rest of his drink with a mutter curse before dragging Arcanus out of the bar onto the open streets of Noon Point. The crowds of celebrating shadow dragons were dying down for the day, migrating to Bramble Step where they could cut loose and cut throat if it came to that. The queen was likely around somewhere with Bestialcian in tow, but Trickmurk was the one elemental holiday she didn't offer any kind of official celebratory address. They didn't hatch shadow eggs either--the last one had been Ilkilides and that had been more than enough to let them know that Aphaster was on poor terms with the Binder. 

To keep out of the way of the milling crowd, Carnelian pulled them into the mouth of an alley where they could speak in private. "Did something happen between you and...?" 

"No."

Carnelian squinted at the way Arcanus very noticeably didn't turn red. "Holy shit, did you actually get over her--ah, wait, no, there it is, you're blushing. False alarm."

"There are other things I concern myself with!" Arcanus insisted with what remaining dignity he had.

Carnelian shrugged and pulled a cigarette from his pocket. "To me they don't exist until you tell me what they are."

Arcanus crossed his arms. "I don't know yet. I would express it to you if I could, Carnelian, as my confidante."

"Easy on the flattery,” he mumbled over the cigarette. “So you just got a bad feeling?"

"An uneasiness, yes. An agitation I cant soothe with will or distraction."

"Spring is coming." He held his hands up peaceably to fend off the weary glare Arcanus shot him. "I'm not joking. Spring gets weird when you care about someone."

Something about the way he said it left Arcanus faintly wondering when Ismene was born. He had never asked. He probably never would. "I don't think that's it," he murmured. "Lately everything seems..." His brow creased with the strain of finding the right word, but to no avail. "I'm unsure. All I know is that I feel relief seeing that both you and my family are settled."

"Okay, whats your best guess why that might be?"

Arcanus looked around while he thought, which was in itself a tell. Sure, he'd loosened up a lot since they became close, but he was still a knight. His day job was to be a menacing presence at the queen’s back while showing little to no sign of personal emotion about the politics.

Carnelian wondered, not for the first time, if Arcanus' emotional trouble wasn't just a side effect of boredom. The Isles were unpredictable, you could lose a charge permanently during a simple walk in the woods or forget entirely that you had one because of a bad storm near the Liminal Band. He probably never had the time to have a bad feeling over something that didn't make itself known within the next few hours.

"I dont want to say it," the guardian finally admitted. "I don’t want to speak it."

Carnelian bobbed his head. "Something that bad you don’t want to give the universe ideas? I get that."

"You should remember that the universe will get ideas whether you speak them or not."

Carnelian leaned out with a snarl on his lips and a curse on his tongue, and both fizzled when he saw the distinctive match of a water emblem over Arcane eyes. Kiele was perhaps the rarest seen of all the witches of the Starwood coven. Being water-touched and a choosing to live as a witch had left her in a similar position to Tungsten, but while Tungsten had to use carefully applied ice magic, Kiele had Faded. She could never know when a vision might suddenly strike, but she had eons worth of Faded's magic laced as delicate as frost over her mind. Neither of them had known much about her to begin with, but like all young dragons who became witches, she wasn't the same dragon she had been before. It was hard to miss the family resemblance she shared with Kea, but that was about all they had in common.

"I'm pretty sure eavesdropping during Trickmurk is considered sacrilege," Carnelian muttered, leaning back into the shadows.

"...I'm clairvoyant," she deadpanned. "I don't think I was ever gonna win any points with shadowlings." She tossed her chin at Arcanus. "Besides, the knight's right."

"Is he now." The flicker of a match momentarily lit Carnelian's dour expression. "Some more business with the spirits?"

"There is plenty on this plane to make a keen man wary. The boy agrees with me."

Carnelian and Arcanus both exchanged a look of confusion, and leaned out together to find Apokathisto idling in one of the charming little nooks in the cafe’s facade with a half-demolished slice of aggressively violet black woods cake. He had the look of someone who was deeply embarrassed but was trying to pretend otherwise--which, combined with the smear of blackberry preserves on his chin, only made him look more guilty.

"How long have you been there?"

"I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I was just trying to eat my cake..."

"How long. Have you been there."

"...The whole time."

Both men glared accusingly at each other in a furious but silent exchange. Carnelian was a detective, he stalked people all the time, he should have noticed a gawky adolescent  hanging around; and Arcanus was supposed to be aware of his surroundings, he was the queen's knight after all. But it was a holiday and they were both a little drunk, so they made peace with a sigh.

"I thought it was odd to not see you around with Rebis here," Arcanus admitted. "Why aren't you in there with them?"

Apokathisto wilted and pushed sullenly at his cake. "There's no boys my age and I don't like the music."

It was hard not to sympathize with an answer like that. Even when they lived in the Isles, the clan had always had an unusually high number of female hatchlings, and that hadn't changed. Phage, Foster, Katiyana, and Lamium were the closest Apokathisto had to same-sex peers and they were, in order, a terrible influence, infamously shy, disinterested in dragons that weren't Zo or his relatives, and friendly but troubled. It shed a very lonely light on the situation.

Arcanus cleared his throat as subtly as he could, and Carnelian took the hint with a raised brow but nothing else. There was a short shriek as he threw Kiele under his arm and stalked off with her as though she were a just an unruly bag of potatoes, but it was quickly muffled by Shiraz' performance and the natural noise of the thoroughfare.

Not long ago, Apokathisto would have held Arcanus' hand as they walked, but he was getting to be that age where he felt such a thing was childish. It was often forgotten but Arcanus had been the caretaker and protector of dozens of hatchlings and watched over several into their adulthood. The behaviors of fledglings were no mystery to him, and the basic ability to respect their turbulent, often contradictory feelings made him very popular among adolescents. It was just rare anyone got to see it. But sure enough, as soon as they had passed beyond Noon Point and were alone on the walkways through the Summerlands, Apokathisto began walking a lot closer to him.

"You've been uneasy too?" the boy asked.

"I have," Arcanus answered honestly. "But I'm old and I've seen a lot and I have to wrestle with that myself. Children shouldn't be so troubled. What's wrong?"

Apokathisto grabbed a dried out stalk and snapped pieces from it as they walked. "I don't want to speak it."

"Has anyone harmed you?"

Snap. "No."

"Has anyone made you feel threatened?"

Snap. "No."

"Do you feel that you're in danger in any way?"

Snap.

Snap.

Snap. "I don't know."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Apokathisto threw the last of the stalk away. "I don’t know."

Arcanus stopped them both, and knelt to look into Apokathisto's eyes. The boy always wore difficult expressions, but he usually wore them openly--now he seemed evasive, as if he didn't want it to show that something weighed on him. "I won't press you. But if you think of anything I can do, I hope you'll tell me."

At that, the boy did meet his eyes. They were striking as always--with their blue-white streaks like shooting stars, and the intensity of them was enough to catch even Arcanus off guard. There was anger in him; confusion and fear. "Is something going to happen to me?"

"Something like what?"

"I don't know...!" he cried pitifully.

The boy's face was going red. Again, Arcanus felt a poignant sympathy for the boy. If he was dealing with the same worrying unease that Arcanus was, it wasn't a wonder he was so upset. He was already so wary by nature, and he didn't seem to have anyone to confide in. He was frustrated and frightened, and in that moment Arcanus knew what it felt like to be Hart--to want nothing more than to be at Apokathisto's side and reassure him that he was safe. But to promise that would have been to lie in the boy's face in his moment of vulnerability.

"You know that my charge must come first," he said apologetically. "I cannot vow to protect you from all things at all times. But I can swear to you that I would never ignore it if I so much as suspected anything was going to happen to you."

It wasn't the most reassuring answer, but it was the truth. For a boy like Apokathisto, that was far more important. Though he wasn't crying, Arcanus turned his back and let the boy have a moment to collect himself and rebuild his idea of a mature demeanor before they continued along the quiet footpath.

At some point, Apokathisto quietly took Arcanus' hand and didn't let go.

[sikegeist]

I’M AFRAID TO DO THIS BUT I DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

I did it again this morning. I reached for my phone instead of my meditation pillow. I knew what I was doing when I did it but I did it anyways. I just wanted a connection. I chose people over god.

Trust is hard.

You have to have faith, they say.

I think what you really need is the willingness to be brave and afraid.

I was taking a walk yesterday--one of my new favorite activities now that my days have so many more hours to fill since we can’t be near one another despite the glorious weather. As I walked up and down the broken, jutting sidewalks of my neighborhood--an obstacle course created by the tree roots which have continued to defy man’s attempt to keep them hidden by BURSTING through the concrete prison laid upon them years ago--I tried my best to be present.

It’s easy to be present with the trees and the bees and the leaves.

It’s easy not to worry about what the birds and lizards think of you.

(There I went again. Checking my phone after hearing the ding. Missing some friends who are thousands of miles from me so dearly. Missing them just as I would any other day we are apart. This is not pandemic pain, it’s life.)

((And I think I cherish these relationships so much because I don’t feel afraid around these people. I don’t feel judged. And I don’t feel judged because I don’t need their approval.))

But as I’m walking up and down these jagged and jutting concrete paths, I notice there are more people out and doing the same: walking for walking’s sake. More people than I expected to see. Are we trying to deny the reality? Or has scarcity mentality slowly begun to creep in--making us hoard as much time with our natural resources before we return to a world of plastic and screens and forget how amazing the gift of this land we were *not* given, but lent for a time being, truly is.

I digress. I got sidetracked talking about the beauty of the world. But I was supposed to still be writing about being all in my head and my fears. Isn’t that always the way. Doesn’t the natural world always make our attention stray from what matters most: our ego?

Yes, that sentence was swole with sarcasm.

Back to me. I’m walking. So are other people. And as we come to pass, I know what I want to do is look them in their eye and smile and connect oh so briefly and wish them, “Have a nice day.” But I notice something happen, again. Something that had stopped happening recently, but now seems to be happening more frequently. A pain wells up behind my eyes--it’s a strange pressure which I’ve identified as fear; a biophysical response mechanism I’ve learned I had anytime I sense danger.

But what is dangerous about this?

What is dangerous about looking another person in the eye?

I first noticed this physiological response approximately 5 years ago. It began at a time when I realized I had very few people around me in my current life that I could trust. And I realized that although, as my friend had made me aware a couple of years earlier, my heart was truly wide open for the first time in my entire life--I felt accepted and wanted in a way I had never experienced in my body/community while growing up--I was not taking care of my heart. I was giving it away too freely, and it was being used and abused. I was being left confused; so unsure of who to trust.

Yes, I am responsible for my own actions. No, I did not know any better at the time. I did not have teachers or mentors in my life when it came to what to do with my heart--perhaps with the exception of my grandmother: Honey. And I spent approximately two decades of my life believing that that was because I had to earn others love by giving myself away, piece by piece, until they deemed me worthy of a return. I have finally stopped beating myself up for the things I did not know before. I am still developing a nurturing and compassionate relationship with my inner child who is still learning so, so much about vulnerability and trust and connection.

I think the pain that wells up behind my eyes when I try to connect with others belongs to that child. I remember doing it sometimes when I received a lot of attention as a child. Once, on a family vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina, I was called up on stage by the most famous man on the island at the time (well, famous if you were a kid at least): Gregg Russell. Russell was a children’s entertainer who would perform once a week on a little stage overlooking the coast and this giant, glorious lighthouse which I loved so much for no real reason and don’t believe I ever even visited. Some of my favorite songs of his included “Purple People Eater”, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up”, and “Is That A Booger In Your Sugar? No, It’s Not, It’s Snot!” He was my childhood rockstar.

Every week he would select a child to come up on stage and sing a song with him. Kids would spend all day working on signs to take to the little concert, which they would hold up in the hopes that Gregg Russell would pick them.

(Damn...I looked at my phone again. My erratic mind is my own fault, it seems--a side effect of consistent access to technology.)

Back to Gregg. Short story short: I got picked. And I was thrilled! This was my dream!

I was six years old at the time and mostly wore my lightning blonde hair back in a ponytail. I walked up on the stage, full of excitement and fear, and Russell picked me up and sat me on his lap--his face confronted with my bright blonde spray of hair. As was his custom, he began to try to engage me in conversation, to joke around. But suddenly I realized all eyes were upon me, and I both wanted it and I didn’t. I was excited that we were all connected in that moment, and also felt the immense pressure of living up to everyone’s entertainment expectations. The result: I could hardly talk. I was anxious, but the adults in the crowd read me as coy and thought perhaps I was just being cute. Nothing wrong with that, of course. But as a child that’s not how my mind interpreted the situation.

Why do I mention my ponytail? Well, because my strongest memory of that night is now the memory of me smacking Gregg Russell in the face with my ponytail as I shook my head back and forth as if to say No! rather than opening my mouth to just say, “No.” I wasn’t protesting--he had asked me a question. But I was too nervous to let anything come out of me, for some strange reason. Maybe I was afraid of disappointing my audience.

This childish anxiety and this pain behind my eyes returns to me often in periods of intense worry and self-doubt. It’s very hard for me to escape my head sometimes, but I have done enough work over the past decade to know the difference between what’s real and what’s my pre-programmed story. Still, a second is a short moment, and often in those moments, my fear--my feelings--overpower my logic.

Now back to the present (which is actually one day in the past): I’m walking about my neighborhood and I notice that people are being incredibly friendly. People want to connect and say hi. Only two people I see are actually staring at their phones. A couple walks past me and is smiling and I try to smile back and notice immediately that, instead, I dart my gaze away and look at the ground with a smile on my face, as if to say, “I’m not mean, just shy.”

Why did I just do that?

I don’t know.

I may never know.

I accept that.

I keep walking.

I pass by a woman, who is listening to something on her phone. She keeps her gaze forward though and here comes the moment we are about to connect! But then, I do it again.

What is wrong with me?

Why does this pain naturally make me glance away?

I keep walking.

The next few people I pass by I keep staring at the ground.

I don’t want to mess up kindness again.

I keep walking.

I see another woman walking her dog.

This time, I’m going to try to keep the connection.

I look her in the eye, and she does the same.

We both smile as the distance between us shrinks.

And then--

Again--

The pain wells up behind my eyes. A stabbing that makes me turn my head away quickly.

I fucked up again.

I pony-tail face-smacked this perfectly nice, perfectly harmless, perfect stranger.

Why is this happening to me again, so suddenly?

I don’t know.

I can only work with it.

Because the truth is I’m too tired to fight anymore. I’ve been doing it for a few decades now and could use a bit of a break from wrestling with worry.

Last night I was journaling about how tired I am of myself.

Not in a morose or pity-party kind of way, simply in the way a child becomes tired of a toy or a game because the magic and wonder has worn off.

And here I am again, writing about myself.

(Write what you know? Do I really know myself that well?)

I don’t remember what I was writing when I started this exercise.

I am nervous to share this today.

I would rather pony-tail smack everyone who attempts to read this than post it.

That’s my natural instinct.

Even though I don’t want it to be.

But as my friend who is thousands of miles from me now once told me, “You have to face the fear and do it anyways.”

I hope, one day, that pain that comes up behind my eyes--that fear of connection I have which is actually just a fear of rejection which is actually just unhealed wounds from childhood and later life experiences I haven’t fully overcome--fades away, just like the lightning blonde color of my hair has faded to something more like straw in the summertime.

I hope the world never stops changing, and me with it.

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone