#also how could joel know about and be the voice sometimes if angel was the voice the whole time?????

[syxnewt]

Thinking about that time I hate read the entire Maximum Ride series

[orcasoul]

Reckless

Summary: Joel and reader are paired up as patrol partners. Both have suppressed feelings for each other. He's frustrated with her sometimes impulsive actions and she's fed up of his coldness towards her. After an almost fatal encounter during a supply search they both admit their feelings for one another.

Warnings: Swearing, angst, infected attack, age gap (reader is in her late 30's and Joel is in his late 50's), Use of Y/N.

Word Count: 5,588

"Stay close and don't do anything reckless!" Joel turned to you and gave you a look that left no room for arguments. You rolled your eyes and in a mocking voice replied "Yes sir," with a salute. Joel rolled his eyes in return before turning away. You can't help the smirk growing across your face, knowing how much it bugs him when you do that. But you can understand why he felt the need to say it. You wouldn't admit he was right when he accused you of acting before thinking sometimes, but there are times when risks are worth taking and you'd never willingly put yourself in a risky situation if you weren't confident you could handle it. You and Joel have been patrol partners for two months now, since you happened to stumble across Jackson on your way to..... nowhere, really. You were just existing at that point and so close to giving up until you were fortunate enough to cross paths with one of Jackson's patrol groups, and were welcomed into the community. They'd given you a purpose again so you took your patrols very seriously, wanting to do all you could to serve your community and prove yourself as a valuable member of Jackson.

At first your patrols with Joel were a little awkward. The man hardly spoke, unless it was to give you orders, or to voice his displeasure of being "stuck with a kid" on patrol. Kid! I guess to a grumpy 56 year old dinosaur a 37 year old is a kid, you once scoffed mentally. "I'm not here to babysit. I'm here to show you the ropes so you can do your part efficiently, got it?" Joel gruffed at you from his horse on your first patrol. "Good thing I don't need a babysitter then," you snapped back, glaring at him. Joel huffed and rolled his eyes. "Look you'd better be able to handle yourself out here because you're not my problem and I'm not gonna make you my problem, Okay?" "Jesus Christ," you muttered to yourself. You now spoke louder so he could hear you. "If I couldn't handle myself I'd have been dead a long time ago. I don't need a protector and you and I know damn well I wouldn't be assigned to patrol if the council didn't deem me capable. So how about we just get on with the task at hand, eh?"

Joel turned back around on his horse, letting out an annoyed mumble. The truth was he'd already made you his "problem" and he didn't like it one bit! He'd caught the odd glimpses of you when you'd first arrived at Jackson and was immediately struck, not only by how beautiful you are but also by the look of disbelief written across your face. A feeling he knew all too well. Shock and awe, that a place like this could exist. A piece of heaven in a hellish world, he'd once described it, and if this was heaven then you must be an angel. After a few brief chats with you (well actually Tommy and Maria did most of the talking while he mostly just sat and listened to how sweet and genuine you came across) he knew then that you were different to other women he had known. There was just something about you. It was ridiculous! He hadn't felt this way about a woman in over twenty years, and he sure as hell wasn't going to start acting like a love-struck teenager at 56. So he decided it was best to push down any feelings he had developing and keep you at arms length.

And that's what he did. He barely spoke to you and quickly shut down any conversation you tried to strike up with him. After a few weeks he'd noticed you'd stopped trying. A part of him felt that maybe he was being too harsh and probably came across as an asshole but he couldn't allow himself to get too close to you. The more people you care for, the more you have to lose, besides it's not like someone as sweet and beautiful as her would be interested in a middle aged grump, he'd keep reminding himself when he felt like letting you in. So he did what he does best; He built a wall and hid behind it. At first Joel's stand-offish attitude irked you but you thought if you were going to be partners you'd at least try to get him to loosen up. Maybe he just needs me to take the first step and initiate the conversations, you mused. But after a few weeks of trying and being met with short answers and gruffs you realised you weren't going to get anywhere with him, so you just accepted the silence that mostly accompanied your patrols.

You tried to convince yourself that it didn't bother you but truthfully it did. And you knew why, even if you refused to think about the reason too much, trying to distract yourself whenever your thoughts went "there". You were attracted to him, had been since you met him. Even though he didn't speak much, something in his eyes and the way he looked at you ignited a desire and a need for this quiet, but extremely handsome man. You wondered if he was like this with everyone. He had a good twenty years on you so maybe he'd just seen a lot more horrors than you. Horrors that have no doubt moulded him into this brooding entity of a man. He also seemed to have had a lot more encounters with infected than you have, if the rumours were anything to go by, and they were probably true otherwise he wouldn't be alive now. So giving his experience you decided to mostly follow his orders while on patrol. Better safe than sorry, eh?

Today's patrol was going to be somewhat different than the usual checking and resetting of traps and scanning the area for trouble. You'd both been sent out to a small town about four miles to the east of Jackson, to a veterinary surgery to pick up some medical equipment that had been hidden away by the last patrol group, their bags being to full to take them at the time. You loved Jackson's animal's and since veterinary equipment and supplies were always in short supply this was like hitting the jackpot! Upon arriving you both dismount your horses and tie them up in an overgrown wooded area not far behind the building. Joel quickly sneaked around the building as you followed suit, guns at the ready for any kind of trouble. Peering in through the once glass glass entrance doors it appears the building is empty. "Let's go," you say with confidence as you begin to walk through the door frame, only to be roughly pulled back by Joel's calloused hand on your upper arm.

"What the fuck you doing, Joel?" you scold him as you rip your arm out of his grasp. "What the fuck are you doing?" He shot back angrily. "Just because it's quiet here it doesn't mean there's no infected further inside the building. I'm going first." As he brushes passed you, you can smell hints of sandlewood, earth and something.... Joel like. Damn it, does he have to smell so good? You shake your head to try and rid yourself of the intrusive thought. You hated that whenever he got too close you felt a rush of heat to your core and your heart would beat faster. Sure, you'd known from the moment you'd met him that he's the most handsome man you've ever seen, but you never imagined in a million years he'd be interested in someone so much younger than himself. Not when there were plenty of women his age in Jackson literally fawning all over him every Friday night at the Tipsy Bison.

So for the most part you'd just try to ignore your feelings and focus on your patrol duties with him. Even though sometimes you got the feeling he saw you as a hindrance, sometimes you felt like he hated you, you weren't about to let that get in the way of doing your job. And today is no different. You follow Joel quietly into the surgery, your senses on high alert, looking in every direction. As you pass the front desk you notice leaflets about pet insurance with the most adorable cat and dogs pictures on them, covered in 20 years of dust and mould. You smile sadly, imagining what this place would have been like in it's heyday and how you would have loved to work in a place like this. Focus, you idiot!" you mentally scold yourself, snapping your attention back to the present moment. You follow Joel down the darkened corridor of the building, the only light coming through the windows of rooms with open doors, just enough to see clearly.

Both of your heads scan from left to right as you make your way past the doors, some open, some closed. You'd both been instructed to go to the operating theatre at the back, push the grey cabinet from the wall and you'd find the supplies hidden in a hole behind it. You both approach the theatre slowly and silently. Once you were sure you were alone you closed the door and shrugged off your backpack, dropping it to the floor, as did Joel. "I got this," you say to Joel before he can walk over to the cabinet. As you pushed the cabinet the high pitched sound of metal scraping across the floor made you clench your teeth. To you it was like nails on a chalk board! But that sound was nothing compared to the sound that came next and it made your blood freeze. "SCREECH!" "SCREECH!" "SCREECH!", all at the same time. BANG! BANG! BANG! Both of your heads snap to the rattling door, then back to each other.

"Shit!" Joel cursed. "Hurry, fill the bags and hide." Looking around the large theatre it's evident that there aren't many things to hide behind, just some operating tables and crates. You only manage to fill the bags half full before the door bursts open, slamming against the wall. Joel grabbed your hand and pulled you behind an operating table with him, communicating with his eyes that everything will be okay. He brings a finger to his lips, silently telling you to be quiet. You hadn't realised just how hard you'd been breathing, as your rapid heartbeat had filled your ears with the sound of rushing blood. You take slow, quiet breaths, desperately trying to calm your nerves. You both pull your knives out. Guns are loud and clickers are abnormally fast. If there were only two of them you could take one each, but it's just your luck that there are three of the fuckers, making it too risky to fire your guns. Joel throws his head over his shoulder, gesturing for you to follow, the both of you taking agonisingly slow, crouched steps around the table.

After a series of deafening screeches and clicks, the three clickers began to clumsily stagger around the room, scanning for whatever had caused the noise. As you follow Joel across the room you suddenly realise the backpacks have been left behind. You gently pull on Joel's arm to get his attention and point to the backpacks. Joel looks to where you are pointing but he shakes his head 'no'. The supplies are important, yes, but all that matters to him in this moment is getting you to safety. He can see the silent protest in your eyes and he knows just how stubborn and impulsive you can be. Before you can begin to crawl back to the bags Joel roughly grabs your wrist, pulling you closer "Leave them," his words are barely a whisper. Frustration bubbles within you, leading to anger. You hate having to leave such valuable and needed equipment behind just because these rotting bastards chose now of all times to turn up!

They must have turned up not long after you and Joel entered the building because the previous patrol would have put them down or at least warned you two before hand. Great fucking timing! You think to yourself, sarcastically. You roll your eyes and reluctantly nod, following Joel's lead. He seems so confident in this moment that you wonder how many times he's had to do this in the past, and for the first time since your patrols began you're grateful to have him with you. As you cautiously sneak behind Joel across the room you can't help but notice how broad his shoulders are and you find your gaze heading lower to his ass, his thick thighs, the sliver of skin between his jeans and jacket, now visible because he's crouching..... now's not the time, you quietly chastise yourself.

It's becoming more difficult to navigate the room with these fuckers aimlessly wandering around, and every click and shrill screech makes you freeze for a few moments. Joel seems to sense your unease and he gentle reaches back to take your hand in his. This is the gentlest he's ever touched you, and the sensation of his warm, big hand engulfing yours has your heart racing and butterflies flitting in your tummy. The concern and care he's showing you now is a stark contrast to the usual treatment he gives you.

Joel's heart is in his throat! The door is so close, yet so far. Gripping your shaking hand he slowly leads the way to the open door. As you both approach it he stops and pulls you in front of him to go first, then turning, he grabs the door, slowly moving it so it doesn't make a sound and pulls it ajar. He stand up, shaking out his aching legs one after the other. He turns to you as you stand, brings his hand up to cup your cheek, and whispers "You okay?" You can feel your cheeks heating up at his touch, his intense gaze boring right into the depths of you. Nervously you nod, trying to calm your breaths. It's not the infected that has you breathing heavily this time. Joel's hand slips from your cheek, down your arm and into your hand, linking his fingers through yours. Quietly you both make your way to the entrance doors, the sounds of clicking becoming more distant.

Once outside Joel breathes a sigh of relief while sheathing his knife. This could have ended badly, so badly. Weather you like it or not he has taken on the responsibility to always keep you safe and he would never have forgiven himself if he'd let you get infected or killed. He's pulled from his pensive state when you stop suddenly, releasing his hand. He hates the emptiness he feels in his palm, now that your soft warm touch has abandoned him. "Joel," you mutter as he turns to look at you in confusion. "We can't just leave everything behind. We can't go home empty handed." "Forget it," Joel replied with finality. "We're not going back. I barely got you out of there in one piece." It wasn't lost on you that he'd said you instead of us and it brought a warmth to your heart to know he cared about your safety somewhat. "We wouldn't have stood a chance in there but I'm sure we could handle them from out here. We just have to lure th-" "No!" he cut you off sharply. If he'd been with any other partner they would have dispatched those clickers quickly but he's not going to risk your life.

You huff and narrow your eyes at him. "So what? We just leave them behind because of a few... obstacles? They're too important. we need them." Joel shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Look, I'll come back with some of the others in a few days. We'll get rid of the infected and grab the supplies." " But they're all over the floor in clear sight. What if raiders come back through here and take them before you can return?" you ask with your hands on your hips and irritation in your voice. "Well then.... they take them," Joel snorted. "Let's get to the horses," he orderd before walking away from you. Sighing, you reluctantly follow, but not before throwing a glance over your shoulder and silently cursing those damned infected for ruining this golden opportunity. Golden opportunity, you thought. Yeah, this is a golden opportunity and how many of them do we get these days? After a few more moments of deliberation you decided it's worth the risk. "Fuck it," you muttered to yourself, slowing your pace behind Joel. He was already quite a way in front of you but you wanted a bit more distance between you two so he wouldn't notice you walking back.

When enough time had passed you slowly turn and make your way back to the surgery. Part of you feels foolish for doing this but damn it, Jackson needs these supplies and you're not going to fail them. You understand it's risky to take on clickers, especially alone but now you have the upper hand. You quickly form a plan as you near the building, grabbing a brick off the ground to use as a distraction. As you cautiously re-enter the surgery you draw your pistol, taking the safety off. Creeping stealthily down the dark corridor, the clicking becomes louder, making you tremble and your adrenaline spike. You silently open the door on your left, doing a quick check to make sure it's empty. A brick to the window will make for a pretty good distraction. Leaving the door wide open you slink to the theatre door, opening it as quietly as you can while trying to keep your breathing calm. The clickers are now almost motionless, swaying like jellyfish in the ocean, with no purpose or goal. You carefully retreat backwards, placing every step as delicately as you can to avoid making any noise, until you are in front of the other door. With your gun ready in one hand you lift the other hand holding the brick, take a deep breath, pray to any god that might be listening, and throw!

Joel knew it didn't make sense to leave the supplies behind and you were probably right to say you could both handle them now that you're outside, having space as an advantage, but in the two months you've been patrolling together you've never come as close to death as you did today and he won't lose another person he cares for, not now, not ever! The more he thought about it, the more he realised that pushing you away doesn't change how he feels about you. He hoped these feelings would fade away over time but if anything, he cares for you now more than ever and today has proven to him just how much you mean to him. Shit, he inwardly groaned while shaking his head. What the hell do i do about this? After a few more moments lost in his thoughts it dawned on him that he can't hear your footsteps behind him anymore.

Spinning on his heel his eyes frantically search the surrounding area for you but you're nowhere to be seen. His heart feels like it's about to bust through his rib cage as fear grips him with an unrelenting force. Before he can call your name the sounds of smashing glass and inhuman screams fill the once silent air. "Y/N!!" Joel screams your name so loudly his throat feels like it's on fire and he makes a desperate sprint for the surgery. A series of shots ring out as he nears the building. Now matter how fast he's running, it feels like he can't get to you fast enough, all the while imagining the worst. Charging through the foyer he hears clicker screeches mixed with your own screams. The sound of your screams absorb deep into his being, fuelling the same fury he felt when he learned what the fireflies were planning to do with Ellie. He rounded the corner of the front desk to the corridor and the world slowed down when he took in the sight of you pinned under a clicker, desperately pushing at it's neck to keep it's face from yours with one hand, and wildly flinging your other arm above your head in a blind search for your knife that is just out of reach.

All rational and deliberate thought abandoned Joel's mind and a primal need to protect possessed him. He lunged toward the clicker, knife drawn, and plunged it deep into it's decaying skull. The horrid, clawing monster became limp and silent before being lifted and thrown aside like a rag doll. In it's place was Joel, bloody knife pointing downwards, heaving deep breaths and looking at you with a mixture of anger and terror. You've never seen such raw emotion etched onto his face before and you were sure you were in for it now. "Joel," you rasped, relief mixed with trepidation. Still trembling from the encounter, you slowly sit up while staring at Joel wide eyed. You braced yourself for the angry admonishment you knew you deserved, but to your surprise Joel dropped to his knees in front of you, his knife clanging as it hit the tiled floor. "Are you hurt?! Are you bit?! Are you okay?!" The words came tumbling from his lips a hundred miles an hour as his hands wondered from your face to your neck, to your shoulders, to your arms, to your legs and finally your torso.

You can only stare at him in bewilderment, noticing the tears glossing over his eyes and how his entire body is shaking. You place your palms over his trembling hands to try and calm him. "I'm okay Joel, honestly," you reassure him in a gentle tone. He looks down at your hands placed on his and realises he's holding tightly onto your waist. Embarrassed, he swiftly drops his hands, clears his throat and stands up. He offers his hand to pull you up, which you gingerly accept. You stand, looking up into his dark eyes that now seem to want to tell you... something. No words are spoken for what feels like forever. You break the silence first. "Guess we can get our backpacks now," you whisper nervously, your arms and legs still shaking from the adrenaline that hasn't quite left your system. Joel stands as still as a statue, his face now emotionless and it was unnerving to say the least. You're used to him being grumpy and irritable, you're used to seeing him confident and meticulous, but this was something else, and you don't know how to even speak to him right now. It's almost as if he's not even there, as if he's in a trance!

You swallow the lump in your throat as you head towards the theatre, glancing at the bodies of the other two clickers you managed to shoot in the next room. After filling the backpacks with all of the medical equipment, you rise to find Joel standing in the doorway, still staring but now he looks furious. "Um... here you go..." you murmured as you walked over to him and held out his backpack. Joel snatched it from your grasp, causing you to flinch slightly, and stormed outside. "Shit," you mutter under your breath and follow him outside with your head hanging low in shame. The walk to the horses was unbearably quiet, the air thick with tension and unspoken words. You know you had just fucked up, big time! He'll probably never patrol with you again after this.

At least one good thing has come of this. You have the supplies, so maybe it wasn't all bad. "Hey, Joel?" you utter his name shyly as you reach the horses saddles. Joel stops, slightly turns his head to the side, huffs and mounts his horse. Blinking back tears you mount your horse and gently kick it's sides to make it move, making sure to keep a few paces behind Joel's horse. The silence is deafening. With nothing else to occupy your mind it replays that almost fatal encounter over and over again. If Joel hadn't have got there when he did you'd be dead now, that's for certain. You had been so sure you could handle them yourself, but once again Joel was proven right; You don't think before you act, and this time you almost paid the ultimate price. But the worst part for you was that you'd put Joel in danger. If he had died because of your actions you'd never be able to live with yourself. Guilt begins to gnaw at you, an oppressive and gut wrenching sensation that just grows stronger the more you think about it.

You could have gotten him killed and now you're responsible for this strange.... episode he's having. Unable to suffer the crippling guilt and uneasy silence any longer, you sidle up beside Joel. He's still looking dead ahead, unwilling to acknowledge your presence. "Hey," you clear your throat, awkwardly. "Thanks for saving me back there." Joel just tensed his jaw and nodded ever so slightly. "I'm sorry about what happened. Can we talk for a minute?" "No," Joel snapped. "Joel," you say quietly. "I said no." Joel kicked his horse to make it move faster. You glare at him and sigh in frustration at his stubbornness. For god's sake, I'm trying to apologise and he's being a dick, you bitterly think. You pull on the reigns, bringing your horse to a sudden stop and dismount. Joel quickly stops his horse and turns to face you. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked in exasperation. "I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me," you reply with your arms crossed over your chest, chin held high.

"We're not doing this now. Get back on the horse Y/N." "Not until you talk to me!" you yell at him, frustration seeping through your words. Joel could feel his anger flare and before he could think, he jumped off his horse and stormed over to where you stood defiantly. "You wanna talk? Fine. What the fuck where you doing, going back in there by yourself?!" He roared. "You got a fucking death wish, or something?!" His hands are balled into fists at his sides, chest heaving with angry breaths and his face turning red. You've never seen him this angry before. It was confusing that he'd show this level of care over your well being when most of the time you could swear he hated you. "I'm sorry," you sigh. "I didn't think it through-" "No, you didn't, as usual!" Joel retorted. Okay you'll give him that one. "I just didn't want to fail the community. These supplies are important-" "More important than your life?" Joel asked, his words laced with frustration. "Well... maybe... yeah," you spoke quietly.

Joel blinked and snapped his head back in stunned silence at your words. He didn't expect you to ever say that. "What do you mean 'yeah'?" he cried in disbelief. "The animals are vital to Jackson. Everyone depends on them for food, clothing, transport. So maybe it was worth risking my life. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I just hate myself for putting you in danger. I'm really sorry Joel." Your voice trembled slightly on the last few words. Joel couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I don't care about me, I'm furious with you for putting yourself in danger. What if I had been a few seconds later? You be fucking dead now!" "I know," you looked down at your feet, feeling like a child who'd broken their parents' favourite ornament after being told to leave it alone. "I just can't believe how goddamn stupid you are!" Your head snapped up like a pissed off cobra as he spat those words out at you. Here you are apologising and he goes and calls you stupid, oh hell no! Your cheeks burn in anger as the blood in your veins begins to boil. "Excuse me?! I've just apologised and accepted all your criticisms, but don't you dare call me stupid!" Now it's your turn to curl your fists.

"What else am I supposed to think when you do shit like that? You almost died!" Your guilt is now being burned away by anger, filling you with a need to defend yourself. "What do you care if I died anyway?" You throw your hands up in indignation. "Yeah I made the wrong decision, but it was mine to make. Don't pretend that you care all of a sudden. Most of the time you fucking hate me!" Joel's eyes widen at your accusation. "Y...You think I hate you?" He asks, taken aback. "Well....yeah," you reply as though it should have been obvious. "I mean in two months you've only ever spoken to me to order me about. You won't even speak to me when I pass you in town. So what am I supposed to think?" "I don't hate you!" Joel can barely contain his vexation at this point. "Christ, do you realise what it would do to me if I lost you?" He stopped suddenly, realising what he had just let slip. He could see the astonishment on your face and knowing there's no turning back now, he continued, his voice calm but hesitant, "I don't hate you. I hate how I feel about you."

His confession was the last thing you had expected. After a few moments you collected yourself and walked closer to Joel so that you were looking up into his eyes. "And what do you feel?" you asked softly, while searching his rich brown eyes. The want and longing he feels for you is now abundantly evident in his gaze but he's unsure of what to do next. He was determined to keep his distance, so if he ever lost you it wouldn't hurt as much. But distant or not he almost did lose you and it was excruciating! He realised now he'd wasted enough time trying to push you away and he doesn't want to do that anymore, especially not now with the way you are looking at him. You delicately bring your hands to his chest and repeat the question. "Joel, what do you fe-" Before you can finish his lips crash onto yours, his hands grabbing your waist to pull you against his body.

You return the kiss eagerly, wrapping your arms around his back, opening your mouth to allow his tongue to caress yours. His hands tenderly wander up your back, one staying there while the other gently cups your cheek. After several more seconds he pulls away from your lips, guiding your head to the crook of his neck. "Fuck Y/N, I can't lose you, not you," he breathes the words into your ear. You smile deliriously into his neck, hoping this isn't a dream. You dreamed about having him for so long, but never once thought it would ever happen. "So you don't hate me, then?" You grin as you look up at him and rub your nose against his. Joel looks into your eyes adoringly and chuckles, "Of course not." "Then why have you been acting so cold towards me?" you enquire with genuine confusion. "I just didn't want to... feel anything for you. I was afraid to." You've never heard Joel speak with such vulnerability and it made your heart swell for him. "I've lost too many people and I thought pushing you away was for the best. But I can see now that it's the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I never even thought you would feel the same way about me. God, I can't believe how much time I've wasted when I should have just been honest with you."

The sincerity of his words has your head swimming and you kiss him again, hungrily. The tickly feel of his beard, his strong arms wrapping around you, the warmth of him as you press against his chest has you yearning for more of him. "I really like you Joel," you pant as you pull away. "I really like you too, darling," Joel replied just as breathless as you. His southern drawl on the word darling made your knees feel weak! "So let's not waste any more time. Meet me for a drink at the Tipsy Bison later? "Definitely," he answers while placing a quick peck on your nose. "I'm sorry for calling you stupid. You're not. I shouldn't have said that, I was just afraid." "It's okay," you reassure him. "And I promise, I won't take risks like that anymore." "Good, cause next time I'll kill you myself." Joel teases. You roll your eyes playfully and salute, "Yes sir." Joel shakes his head and laughs under his breath, causing a giggle to leave you and he knows now he'll be enjoying the sound of your laughter for a long time to come. You both return to your horses and mount to begin the journey back home side by side. This time the silence is comfortable and cozy, filled with soft glances and gentle smiles.

[toongrrl-blog]

More Benvi Playlist

What are you doing just sitting there? Listen to some tunes at least ;)

"Let's Leave the Lights On Tonight" Johnny Rodriguez

We’ll let them old memories die

We’ll be just you and I

Somehow it all feels so right

2. "A Matter of Trust" Billy Joel

Let’s leave the lights on tonight

I'm sure you're aware, love

We've both had our share of

Believing too long

3. "Feels Like the First Time" Foreigner (also a Trenor song)

When the whole situation was wrong

And I know that it must be the woman in you

That brings out the man in me

I know I can't help myself

And it feels like the first time

You're all that my eyes can see

Like it never did before

Feels like the first time

Feels like the first time

Like we've opened up the door

Like it never will again

4. "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" Nina Simone or The Animals

Never again

Baby, do you understand me now

Sometimes I feel a little mad

Well, don't you know that no-one alive

Can always be an angel

5. "Torn Between Two Lovers" Mary MacGregor

When things go wrong I seem to be bad

Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool

Loving both of you is breaking all the rules

Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool

6. "Never Really Over" Katy Perry (suggested by @fishyyyyy99 )

Loving you both is breaking all the rules

Two years, and just like that, my head still takes me back

Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

Oh, we were such a mess, but wasn't it the best?

7. "Hanging on the Telephone" Blondie

Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

It's good to hear your voice, you know it's been so long

If I don't get your calls, then everything goes wrong

8. "Listen to Her Heart" Tom Petty

I want to tell you something you've known all along

She's my girl

And you just can't creep up behind her

And you can't understand that she's my girl

It's gonna tell her what to do

Yeah, she's gonna listen to her heart

She might need a lot of loving

But she don't need you

9. "Fools Rush In" Ricky Nelson

Just open up your heart and let this fool rush in.

Well, open up your heart and let this fool rush in...

10. "It's Now or Never" Elvis Presley

I spent a lifetime

Waiting for the right time

Now that you're near

The time is here, at last

It's now or never

Come hold me tight

Kiss me my darling

Be mine tonight

Tomorrow will be too late

It's now or never

My love won't wait

11. "Act Naturally" Buck Owens or the Beatles or Buck Owens w/ Ringo Starr

Well, I hope you come to see me in the movie

Then I know that you will plainly see

The biggest fool that's ever hit the big time

And all I gotta do is act naturally

12. "Queen of Hearts" Juice Newton

Playing with the queen of hearts, and knowing it ain't really smart

The joker ain't the only fool who'll do anything for you

I'm laying out another lie, I'm thinking 'bout a life of crime

'Cause that's what I'll have to do to keep me away from you

13. "Send Me No Flowers" Doris Day

Call me up and say that you're on your way

Til you're back how lonely I'll be

Send me no flowers today

Instead of sending flowers come back to me

And love me just as I love you

14. "Time Won't Let Me" The Outsiders

Can't you see I've waited too long to love you

To hold you in my arms

Time won't let me

Time won't let me

Time won't let me aw

Oh

15. "Head Over Heels" Tears for Fears

I wanted to be with you alone

And talk about the weather

But traditions I can trace against the child in your face

Won't escape my attention

You keep your distance with a system of touch

And gentle persuasion

I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much?

Oh, you're wasting my time

You're just, just, just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart

Don't, don't, don't throw it away

16. "Just What I Needed" The Cars

I guess you're just what I needed

(Just what I needed)

I needed someone to feed

I guess you're just what I needed

(Just what I needed)

I needed someone to bleed

17. "What Is Life?" George Harrison

What is my life without your love?

Tell me who am I without you by my side

Oh, tell me what is my life without your love

Tell me who am I

18. "Hello It's Me" Todd Rundgren

Think of me

You know that I'd be with you if I could

I'll come around to see you once in a while

Or if I ever need a reason to smile

And spend the night if you think I should

19. "All This Time It Was You" Ginger Foutley

You were right there from the start

And what might be the strangest part

Is while I sure enjoyed the view

Of seeing everything brand new

It's still you

20. "Words" F.R. David

Words don't come easy to me

How can I find a way to make you see I love you

Words don't come easy

Words don't come easy to me

This is the only way for me to say I love you

Words don't come easy

21. "Sway" The Kooks

Still I need your sway, because you always pay for it

And I, and I need your soul

Because your always soulful

And I and I need your heart,

Because your always in the right places

22. "Stay Awhile" Dusty Springfield or She & Him

Oh, I hate to see you go

Tell you what I'll do

I'll be good to you

I'll make you glad that you are mine

So come on baby

23. "Hysteria" Def Leppard

I gotta know tonight

If you're alone tonight

Can't stop this feelin'

Can't stop this fire

24. "Slowly" Ann-Margret

Come on and kiss me again but this time slowly

Not so fast, make it last, you're talking too fast

Honey make it last, oh, not so fast, yeah

25. "I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" Lynn Anderson

I beg your pardon

I never promised you a rose garden

Along with the sunshine

There's gotta be a little rain sometime

When you take you gotta give so live and let live or let go

26. "Baby I Need Your Loving" The Four Tops

Empty nights echo your name

Whoa, sometimes I wonder

Will I ever be the same?

27. "The More I See You" Chris Montez

The more I see you, the more I want you

Somehow this feeling just grows and grows

With every sigh, I become more mad about you

More lost without you and so it goes

28. "Expressway to Your Heart" Soul Survivors

I was wrong, baby, I took too long

I got caught in the rush hour

A fellow started to shower

You with love and affection

Come on, look in my direction

29. "Here It Comes Again" The Fortunes

Then there's nothing left for me to say

You no, you no, you no you broke my heart

Here it comes again, that feeling

Here it comes again

30. "Rhaspody in the Rain" Lou Christie

And in this car our love went much too far

It was exciting as thunder

Tonight I wonder where you are

The windshield wipers seemed to say

"Together - together - together - together"

And now they are saying

"Oh, ne... ver, ne... ver"

Ooh-wee, ooh-wee, baby

31. "I Saw the Light" Todd Rundgren

Though we had our fling (we had our fling)

I just never would suspect a thing (suspect a thing)

'Til that little bell began to ring (began to ring)

In my head, in my head

But I tried to run (I tried to run)

Though I knew it wouldn't help me none (not help me none)

'Cause I couldn't ever love no one

Or so I said

But my feelings for you

Were just something I never knew

'Til I saw the light

In your eyes (in your eyes)

32. "Party Lights" Claudine Clark

Too late and mama dear, oh tell me, do you hear?

We're partying tonight

I tell you, I can't sleep, because across the street

Oh-oh, oh-oh, I see the party lights

33. "She's Got the Devil in Her Heart" The Beatles (Susan J. Douglas thoughts on this song's meaning was "just how long were we going to behave ourselves, anyway, especially when behaving yourself as a girl meant not having any fun?")

I'll take my chances

For romance is

So important to me

She'll never hurt me

She won't desert me

She's an angel sent to me

She's got the devil in her heart

No, no, this I can't believe

She's gonna tear your heart apart

No, no, nay, will she deceive

34. "The Hard Way" Mary Chapin Carpenter

Show a little inspiration, show a little spark

And show that things that drew me to you and stole my heart

And tell me something I don't know instead of everything I do

And look at me as if I mean something to you

Our hearts are beating while we sleep, but while we're wide awake

You know the world won't stop, and actions speak louder

Listen to your heart, and what your heart might say

Everything we got, we got the hard way

35. "Big Shot" Billy Joel

Because you had to be a big shot, didn't you

You had to open up your mouth

You had to be a big shot, didn't you

All your friends were so knocked out

You had to have the last word, last night

You know what everything's about

You had to have a white hot spotlight

You had to be a big shot last night

[kiwixlime]

Hungry for Flesh

K is for Kissing (and Killing)

Joel Miller is the protective boyfriend of your dreams. You just wish he’d let you help out once in a while. 

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader 

Warnings: Gore, blood, death. Also, fluff!

As the early morning sun peeks through the thin curtains, you lay in your bed, admiring your boyfriend as he gets dressed. You still find it weird referring to Joel as your boyfriend. He’s not a boy. He's a man. And what you have with him is deep and complex. But that’s what he is. Joel Miller is your boyfriend. And what a sight he is first thing in the morning.

His shift starts soon, and you’ll follow him to the diner to eat breakfast with him before seeing him off. But for now, he gets dressed, covering up his tanned skin with a slim gray t-shirt. Hiding his muscles beneath your favorite green flannel. He rubs his rugged hands through his hair and over his beard, taking in his appearance. He jokes about getting old, but he’s not that much older than you. And he’s still the most handsome man you’ve ever seen.

You wish he could stay with you all day. But Tommy’s his partner, and they never switch it up. Not even when you came into the picture. It doesn’t usually bother you. But today, it’s hanging around in your mind.

“Joel?” Your groggy voice pierces the tranquil silence of the room. You untangle your naked body from the sheets and crawl to the edge of the bed, laying on your stomach. He finishes sliding on his shoes before he looks over at you, tender smile on his lips.

“Yeah, sweetheart?” He answers, walking over to you and brushing your hair from your eyes. You look stunning this morning. To be fair, you always look stunning. But that golden sunlight illuminates your sleepy face, and your tired eyes glisten in the warm hue that veils the room. You look angelic, celestial.

“Do you love me?” You ask, knowing that he does. But you’re feeling a bit sensitive this morning. So you need reassurance.

With a sigh, Joel stops what he’s doing and sits down next to you. You push yourself up on your knees, the sheet that was once covering you slipping off, revealing your bare skin. He shamelessly checks you out, kissing your shoulder affectionately.

“With all of my heart,” he muses. “Why do you ask?”

“You never take me with you,” you pout. “I know you and Tommy have your own thing. And I respect that. But, I don’t know, I’d like to join you sometime.”

“Sweetheart,” Joel deadpans. Your stomach drops, prepared for his usual response. “You know--”

“I know, I know,” you cut him off. You hear it every time you make a request like this. “The west trail is safer, and it’s shorter, and you just want Ellie and I to be okay.” You huff at the canned response. “Joel, Ellie and I are tough. You know that. We’ve proven ourselves time and time again. We can handle more than just a short walk by camp.”

“I know you can,” Joel says. “You’re both more than capable of handling your own. It’s for my own peace of mind, baby girl. I need you and Ellie safe.”

“Safe,” you mumble. A groan bubbles out of you, and you fall back onto the mattress with a soft thud. “More like imprisoned!” You claim, which causes your man to chuckle. He lays down next to you, rolling to face you, holding your naked body to his clothed one.

He kisses your cheek and you try your best to hold a frown, but you can’t. His beard tickles your skin, and his lips are soft and warm. You love him. He’s an overprotective hardass, but you love him.

“You’re the love of my life,” he whispers. And it’s so quiet, if he wasn’t right next to you, you wouldn’t have heard it. Your heart fills with love, spilling over until you smile. Joel’s not the type of guy who enjoys talking about his feelings. He’s not cold or closed off, but his emotional moments are rare. He tells you he loves you all the time. But these occasions - when you’re lying in bed with his face buried in your neck and him telling you just how much he loves you - are intimate minutes you cherish.

“I know,” you say dreamily. “And you’re mine.”

He groans and squeezes you tightly against him. You feel his lips move as he mumbles something, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. So you give his shoulder a gentle poke.

“I said,” he sighs and moves his head. “I said I would talk to Tommy. Just let me work things out. And if all goes as planned, you can come with me this morning.” He doesn’t sound thrilled, but you know it’s because he’s concerned. He likes knowing you and Ellie have easy patrol jobs. He’s just so afraid of losing either of you.

“Really!” You practically squeal. This is a big step for him. But he’s taken a lot of big steps with you. He’s the one who asked you out. And he’s the one who asked you to move in with him. You said “I love you” first. But he responded right after. And according to Ellie, that was a big deal.

His hesitation slowly fades once he realizes how excited you are. “I’ll have Tommy go with Ellie. And today, you’ll be my partner. Just… Listen to me, though.”

“Yes, sir,” you tease, but Joel gives you an unimpressed look. You roll your eyes and sit up. “I know, okay? I’ll behave. I promise.”

“Good,” Joel smirks and shoves himself off your shared bed. He straightens his clothes out and heads for the door. “Get dressed. We’ll be leaving soon,” he says.

“Hey, wait,” you frown as he opens the door. He's really going to leave you here? Just like that?

“What?” He asks in confusion.

“Kiss me,” you insist with an adorable pout on your lips. He can’t say no to you. And he wouldn’t, anyway. So he strides over to where you sit, cups your face in his hands, and places the gentlest kiss on your lips. Your eyes flutter closed and stay closed even when he moves away. The lingering of his lips on yours makes you swoon. “Okay, I’m happy now.”

“Dork,” he comments before slipping out of the bedroom. You accept the name as a term of endearment. And then you hop out of the bed to put some clothes on. It’s a sunny morning. So you don’t need anything too heavy. So when you’re finally dressed, you follow Joel out of the house. And to the diner where Tommy is already waiting.

He’s taken by surprise when Joel makes his request that they swap patrol partners for the day. Mostly because he knows that Joel is a tad worrisome and having his two best girls separated isn’t normally his idea of a good time. But Joel trusts Tommy to watch after Ellie. And of course, Joel will be watching after you.

You keep telling him you don’t need protection. But then you remind yourself of all Joel’s lost, and you understand that if anything happened to you or the grumpy teenager, he’d probably lose himself. So you put up with his smothering. It comes from the heart.

“Just make sure Ellie follows your lead,” Joel tells his younger brother. “I know you aren’t as strict as I am and so does she. She’s sneaky. She’ll try to--”

“Joel, I got it,” Tommy chuckles. “She’ll be fine. We’ll work on her target practice again. We’ll have fun. And you should, too,” he adds speaking to Joel but looking at you.

“We will!” You chime in, earning a grunt from your other half. He doesn’t understand your excitement. It’s not that thrilling. He doesn’t realize that you’re just excited to spend some extra time with him.

You eat breakfast together, listening in while Joel and Tommy talk about the plans for the day. You’re feeling particularly needy today, and you aren’t sure why. But you’re happy to be with Joel. And you can tell he’s happy to have you. He doesn’t even complain when you hang all over him.

By the time you finish eating, you’re incredibly antsy and eager to get this show on the road. You’ve only worked with Joel a few times before, and that was when you first got to Jackson. Since then, you’ve been with Ellie or Jesse. Aside from Joel being the man of your dreams, he’s very skilled. And you’ve already learned so much from him, but you know that you are capable of more. You’d like to prove yourself to him today.

“Ready, sweetheart?” Joel asks as you arrive at the gates.

“As I’ll ever be,” you answer with a sweet smile he can’t resist. He leans down and kisses you softly. He’s such a good kisser, it drives you wild. “That’s nice, do it again,” you sigh.

“Later,” he laughs. “We need to get goin’.” He looks up at the tower and gives a thumbs up. The gates open in front of you, and you and Joel ride out together.

Your first checkpoint isn’t too far away. It’s closer to the walls of Jackson, sort of a just-in-case spot. There’s rarely any activity in this area, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. You wait outside as Joel signs you both in, taking in the green scenery around you. It’s springtime, and everything is in full bloom. And ever since the world ended, it’s beautiful. The infected are scary, but the Earth? It’s lush and full of color. It’s bittersweet.

Joel joins you outside, wrapping his arms around your middle and pulling you into his chest. He’s warm against your back, and you feel like you could stay here for the rest of the day, swaying in his arms. But alas, you have a job to do.

“Come on,” he whispers before kissing your cheek. “Got a few abandoned houses over here to check out. Don’t think we’ll have trouble, but it’s best to do a sweep.”

“Okay,” you mutter and, unfortunately, leave his hold. He takes your hand, though, and walks you towards the neighborhood where a couple of houses sit.

It’s small overall and there’s not much to check out. You take the houses on the left side of the street and Joel takes the right. The only reason he’s even comfortable with separating is that the threat level is low and non-existent. Just once you’d love to use your combat skills. But Joel would never be that careless.

So you mosey through the houses, wondering to yourself who lived here before the world went to shit, and if they got out alive. Did they have kids? A big family? It’s thoughts like this that make you grateful you came from a small group. Still, the thought of a family does make you smile.

But you don’t let yourself get lost in those ideas for too long. You’ve never spoken to Joel about kids. But you’re pretty sure he’d dislike the idea. He’s told you about Sarah and he has Ellie now. He’s probably satisfied with that.

“Hey!” You hear his deep voice enter the house behind you. Your family picture is put on hold as you turn around to greet him. He looks concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “Just thinking. Are we done here?” You ask him the next question before he can. You don’t want to tell him what you’ve been pondering about.

His face says he doesn’t believe you. But he doesn’t push you any further. If you have something to tell him, he knows you’ll do it eventually. Right now, you both still have a job to do.

“Yep,” he says quietly. “Next location is a bit trickier. I’d tell you to stay close, but I know you won’t.”

“I’m not gonna get hurt,” you grin, walking over to him and placing a kiss to his cheek. “You worry too much.”

“Well,” he shrugs. And that’s it. You know how he feels. End of conversation.

“Come on, cowboy,” you giggle. “Lead the way.”

It’s a longer trek to the next posting. And the whole time you can practically feel Joel’s nerves radiating off him. His protective side is bursting at the seams today. And each time he looks over at you, you can see the hint of a frown tugging at his lips.

He’s quiet, though. And you appreciate the effort he’s putting in to keep his paranoid comments to himself. When you enter the large abandoned building up ahead, an awful stench penetrates your nose. You’d think you would be used to the smell of rotting and decay. But you aren’t. It still makes you queasy. And this time, it’s even worse. Fresh.

“Stay behind me,” Joel whispers and it’s not a suggestion. It’s not a request. It’s an order. The way your stomach sours at the scent in the room leaves you uneasy and unwilling to argue.

Joel takes the lead, hand firmly on his gun as he slowly steps through the debris. At one point, this looked to be a medical center. It’s been raided, of course. Nothing left behind. But it’s a decent size, which makes for a good hiding place.

You’re not sure what to expect as Joel rounds the corner. If there are any weak points in the walls, it’d be easy to breach by anyone. Or thing. The thought makes you cling to Joel. You don’t want him to get hurt either.

“Be careful,” you whisper, tugging on his hand.

“Watch your step,” he replies, motioning towards the broken glass on the floor. “This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have let you come out with me today.”

“Hey,” you pout. “I can handle myself. This smell is just really strong.” You choke as you speak, tasting the foul odor in your mouth.

“Shit!” Joel hisses, stopping in his tracks. He holds his arm out, blocking you from going any further.

“What?” You ask, attempting to push his arm away. “Joel, what is it?”

He shakes his head and uses all of his strength to keep you from seeing the display in front of him. “Just stay back,” he snaps.

“Joel!” You whisper. “What’s going on?” Irritated, you claw at his shirt, aggressively trying to see what it is he’s hiding from you. Joel’s strong, but you’re small and quick. You duck beneath his arm and swiftly step around him before he can grab you back.

As soon as you do, you feel the bile in your stomach rise and you can’t stop yourself from turning away and heaving. Joel immediately falls next to you, rubbing your back softly as you throw up nothing but liquid. He shushes you, holding back your hair and humming comforting words in your ear.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he assures you. “It’s okay.” He glances back at the dead bodies. It's far from okay, but he can't tell you that.

“W-who are they?” You ask through sobs.

“Not sure,” he answers. He leaves your side for only a second to examine the bodies on the floor before him. You squeeze your eyes shut, heart pounding in your ears, drowning out what Joel says.

You’re fine. You are you. You just weren’t expecting to see a couple of people shredded up in front of you. Joel warned you, but you insisted you could handle it. And you normally can. So what’s wrong with you right now? Joel said he didn’t recognize those people. You’ve been living in this world long enough to desensitize yourself. This shit doesn’t bother you anymore.

“Sweetheart,” Joel comes back to you. “You should go back to Jackson. Send Tommy out. It’ll be fine.”

“No, Joel,” you insist. You stand on shaky knees and whimper at the sight of the bodies. They’ve been torn apart, and judging by the faint clicking sounds you hear in the distance, it’s recent. “I can do this,” you tell him and even though he wants to fight, he accepts your decision.

He uses what he can to cover the bodies, hiding the mangled remains out of respect. They’re not from Jackson, but they’re on the younger side. Joel checks them out for any type of identification even though it’s rare to find. But they had nothing on them. Not even weapons.

“We need to clear the area,” Joel says sternly. “I only hear a few of them. You good to go?”

“Perfect,” you lie.

Joel nods, and you split up. Joel goes right, and you head left, making sure to be quiet as you move. The clicking sounds on your side are closer than you originally thought. But you’re calm and stealthy, catching a glimpse of a clicker limping by. You don’t hear Joel, so you imagine he’s being just as careful as you.

Your knife is tightly strapped to your ankle. So you undo the knot and release it, tiptoeing behind the screaming monster and grabbing it before it notices you. You plunge the blade deep into its throat, listening to it choke on its own blood before collapsing to the ground with a soft thud.

One down. You wonder how Joel is doing. So far it’s been nothing but silence. And that’s always a good sign. But you decide to find him anyway. Give him a hand.

He’s around the corner. You can see his shadow and hear the scuffle as he grabs the clicker and shivs it just as you did. It’s certainly not the time to think this, but you have to admire how sexy he is when he’s being an absolute badass.

“All clear?” You take the chance to ask him.

He turns around and smiles when he sees you still in one piece. “All clear, sweetpea.”

You grin and run up to him, throwing your arms around his shoulders. You are a whirlwind of emotions at the moment. Still a little sick, a little sad, a lot relieved, and overall thrilled to be working with your man.

Joel chuckles and kisses your temple. He was really worried about you. You’ve been acting off for a few weeks now. And when you nearly fainted at the dead bodies, he thought something was seriously wrong. But now you seem fine. You seem okay. Like you could do this again.

“Ow, Joel,” you whimper and he steps back, releasing you quickly to assess you for any damages.

“Baby, are you okay?” He asks with concern.

You nod, but grab your stomach as another sharp pain shoots through you. “I think it’s just my stomach,” you say. “I haven’t been feeling well. The smells aren’t helping, either.”

“Let’s get you home,” he insists. “You need to get to the infirmary.”

With no energy to argue, you let Joel guide you back to your horses. He’s gentle with you, carrying you in his arms as your breathing gets heavier. The pain is growing, sawing through your insides until you can barely see.

The last thing you remember before you pass out in Joel’s arms is him telling you he loves you.

He waits impatiently outside of your room. The doctor insisted he stay away to reduce stress on you. Healthcare is different in the apocalypse, but Dr. Green is an excellent physician. So Joel trusts her. He just hates not knowing what’s going on.

It’s only when you come walking out of the room that Joel stops pacing. He waits, slightly shaking, for you to say something. But then you cry and he gets nervous, running over to you.

“What is it?” He asks, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

You look up at him, small smile on your lips. “I’m pregnant,” you say.

“What?” He practically yells. You’re not sure if he’s upset at the news. His face is emotionless and you know it could go either way for him. But then he lets out the quietest laugh. “A baby?” He asks with a grin.

“A baby,” you confirm, smiling brightly. “Your baby.”

He chuckles and grabs your face, planting another soft kiss on your lips. “We're gonna have a baby."

Joel Miller Taglist: @swtaura - @chxpsi - @extraneous-trip - @cerebellam - @tiredbeebo - @kirsteng42

[theminecraftbee]

Helluuu! New Hermitcraft watcher here. Speaking of Watchers, would you be so kind as to explain what they are, and what they have to do with Grian? I keep seeing this word in fanfics, and it thoroughly confuses me. Love and thanks!

don't worry about not knowing what watchers are! they are - and this is key - not remotely canon to hermitcraft. they're popular in fanon but they are not at all canon to hermitcraft and not a requirement to know in order to enjoy hermitcraft and grian in general.

but, okay - the watchers come from an old series grian was in, called evo. i have not watched evo so take my statements with a grain of salt. in evo, the watchers were a few things. they were ambiguous figures who would challenge the players, punish them when they were being bad (grian was often a target here), and left cryptic angel-looking statues places. at the end of grian's own run of evo, the evolutionists fought the ender dragon. grian ended up alone, fighting the dragon, and at the end of the fight, became a watcher himself.

this is where the important fact of "watchers were intended in many ways to be an audience stand-in, and grian leaving the series and becoming a watcher is a very on-the-nose statement about the fact that he was no longer a part of evo, and was joining the audience" comes in. (you'll note that when i do stuff with watchers i mostly play with this meta aspect, because that's the part i personally find interesting.)

there is some further thing about the listeners, which appear to be some faction in rebellion against the watchers i think, that happens in jimmy's evo series.

for a while, that's what the fandom had. a fic got very popular in 2019-ish called "and the universe shifts", which played with the watcher concept, and invented a lot of the fanon the fandom uses. in that fic, grian escaped the watchers, who are explicitly evil, and the watchers come back to get him. that's also where the common fanon design of "purple wings and the mask with the evo symbol on it" comes from. it's also where the most common incarnation of "the watchers are evil and grian had to escape from them and is very traumatized" comes from. the fandom has since expanded and iterated on that a lot, and not every version of this has its roots in atus! but a lot of common watcher fanon comes from there.

then for a while watchers were still just fanon, until the end of last life. in third life and last life, martyn's series featured a mysterious, malicious voice that was trying to help him win/get him to do things that were wrong. at the end, it was revealed that, in martyn's canon, this voice was some kind of watcher. it made reference to grian being a watcher, as well as martyn and jimmy's listener thing. it also stated that third life/last life was basically a trap, so that the watchers could feed off the suffering of the players. (i think, this is another thing i haven't actually watched in full yet. i mained joel and cleo in last life i mostly just heard about martyn's whole thing second hand,)

its worth noting, however, that martyn did this on his own, and the hermits have long had a history of "what is canon for one of us isn't necessarily canon for all of us". see, that clip of cleo basically saying "yeah the hermatrix stuff isn't canon for me" (not in those words but that was the intent). so it's kind of mostly... semi-canon to last life/third life?

and this is where i remind everyone that last life/third life is also only semi-canon to hermitcraft - they've made references but no really strong ones and not everyone has made references to it.

so, yes, anyway: that's what watchers are and how they relate to grian! here's my final statement that this is fanon, not canon (although, rather like a lot of the hels hermits stuff, people treat it as fully canon in a way it is not). which isn't like, a way to say its bad, i like doing stuff with the watcher stuff too, i just like drawing that line because sometimes i very much DON'T want to do stuff with the watcher stuff, so clarifying that its fanon is helpful to me in that regard.

i hope this helps!

[retroellie]

Farm. Ellie. Making. You. Squirt. 👀 👀👀AAaRAghg now I NEED a whole fic for that!!!! For the sake of my sanity pretty pretty pleaseeeee 😩🙏🏼

Summary: Ellie finding scandalous polaroid's of you before finding out what she can do to you :)

A/N: Thanks for the ask<3 it was a bit rushed but i tried, theres so many asks to do so plz bear with me lol. Also i did research for this one cause idk much about this subject so be proud of me ASHAH

Warnings: NSFW, Squirting, fingering, cunniligus

Word count: 3.2K

She didn’t know what happened, one minute she was listening to Joel strum his guitar, wondering when the hoard will pass so she can finally be with you again. Then the next minute she was looking down a scandalous picture of you, gripping the paper so tightly her knuckles had turned white.

She was digging through her backpack when a piece of paper fell out of it. The paper was folded neatly, the words “For ellie<3″ standing out. Her eyebrows knitted in confusion, not quite sure who had put it in there but there was only one way to find out. She picked it up, it was heavier than it looked.

She opened it up and something fell out of the folded paper onto the ground. She looked down towards the floor to see 5 polaroids scattered, she was even more confused. She picked one up and examined it.

It was a picture of you and her, you two were on her bed. You had a huge smile on your face as ellies lips were on your cheek. Her arms were draped across your stomach lazyly, Ellie smiled. She remembered that day so well, you both were sick with colds and you both stayed in bed all day with each other watching old 80s movies.

The next one she didn’t recognize. You were in her bed once again, you were laying on your back with the camera pointed at your chest. You had a small tank top on which didn’t leave too much to ellies imagination. Your neck and chest were covered in hickeys, the dark shade complementing your lips.

The next was even more scandalous. You were in the mirror with only a set of back lacy underwear Ellie had gotten you on one of her trips. Your hand was over your boobs, covering them up so she couldn’t see them. She could see marks on your waist, finger prints from her. It was evident she had once been in the room with you, judging by your puffy lips and sweat drenched body.

The last one made her heart drop and the blood from her face drain. You were on her bed once again, you were topless. Your hair was draped over your boobs and your legs were spread slightly allowing her to see a small sliver of all of you. One hand was on your hip and the other was placed on your chest, right above your boob.

She looked down at the paper and saw sloppy writing on it, she didn’t hesitate in ripping it open and reading it.

Dear ellie,

I thought you were gonna miss me so i decided to have a photo shoot just for you<3 I hope you like them, I'm no model but I thought having these would make you miss me less. (or to show what your missing, don’t want you running off with another girl)

I miss you like crazy and you haven’t even left now, but by the time you're reading this I know I'll be missing you :(. Please be safe and don’t die, I don't want some asshole getting these pictures off your dead body. Oh and I'll miss you when you're dead of course:)

Anyway, please be safe baby and come back to me. I can’t wait to be ruined when you get back, Muah muah

Love,

Y/n XOXO

Her jaw tensed up, her hand grabbing the paper tightly. She tried everything to stop the thoughts of ruining you from running through her head, she couldn’t do anything about it either. She only had these pictures of you, she couldn’t touch you or be touched. The frustration was really getting to her.

She was pulled back to reality by Joel strumming the strings of his guitar.She shoved the pictures into her backpack hoping Joel didn’t see them. She let out a loud sigh, trying to calm herself down. She couldn’t wait to get home, she knew exactly what she was going to do. She knew this was gonna be a long trip.

-

-

The next couple days were hell for ellie. She couldn’t get her mind off the pictures and she couldn’t get off either. She didn’t get much alone time thanks to Tommy and Joel so all the frustration was building up. She couldn’t sleep sometimes, she was so touch starved it interrupted her dreams

When they finally arrived at Jackson she didn’t hesitate in running to her house, knowing you’d be there. With a couple welcome backs and half assed replies from Ellie, she finally arrived at her garage. She slowly opened the door, being greeted with warmth and the smell of your perfume.

Her room hadn’t changed much, there was still clutter of books and you were on her bed with little clothes on. When you heard the door open your head perked up, your eyes leaving the book you were reading. You gave her a big smile before throwing your legs over the bedside, running over to her.

You wrapped your arms around her neck, bringing her into a deep kiss. You guys had been away from each other for a bit. You hated when Ellie went out on trips like these, trips that took days to come back from. You never knew when she’d be back or if she’d be back.

Her hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you unbelievably close to her. You both basked in the warmth, your hands running through her auburn locks. She felt the most relaxed she had in days, feeling so close to you made her feel safe.

"I missed you..." You said while pulling away from her.

Her eyes had gotten a bit darker, almost now dulled completely. You thought it was because of the long trip she just had but Ellie had other things on her mind. The tourture your little photoshoot put her through, the hunger she felt it was enough to make anyone snap. she thought it couldn't get worse but when she walked in on you with just a shirt on and some cute panties, that was the cherry on top.

"Don't act all cute...." Her voice was thick with dominance, maybe the most you've ever heard. " 'i can't wait to get ruined when you get back'' ' She recited from your letter

She had read the letter so many times she could speak it all without the paper. The words haunted her and she was going to make sure you were ruined by the end of it. You looked speechless, like you hadn't any idea what she was talking about.

The innocent look in your eye made her hands shake and her mind wonder to all that she could do to you while that innocent look was still there, how far could she push you until you broke? She grabbed a fist full of your hair, forcing you to look into her dull eyes.

She pulled you into a deep kiss, hand still gripping your hair to keep you in place and the other one wrapping around your waist. You let out a small whimper, surprised by how fast it happened. Your muscles then relax, your head dizzy.

You hadn’t been touched, neither of you did so you both were touch starved. You brought your hands up to grab at her. Her hair, her neck, her chest you grabbed at everything. Her hand wandered down to your ass that was only covered by lacy underwear, giving it a squeeze. You moaned into the kiss, allowing her to move her tongue into your mouth.

The sudden affection made your legs shake and your eyes roll back into your head. She noticed this, watching as you became a moaning mess just by kissing. She took this as a sign to get you on the bed so she took a step forward, hinting at you to walk to the bed.

You started to walk backwards, your lips still on hers. You reached the bed, falling back on it. You pulled Ellie closer and closer to you, legs around her waist wanting more of her. She pulled a way for a split second just to pull her backpack and shirt off, not wanting to waste precious time she could spend in between your sweet little thighs.

You eagerly watched her, face heating up causing a soft red glow on your face. Her shirt trailed up her body, revealing more and more of her. She was only in a sports bra and a pair of jeans when she finally got her shirt off. You bit your lip at the sight, seeing how her nipples could be seen from underneath her sports bra.

When you drew your attention back to her, you saw her giving you a stern look. You could tell she was waiting for you to also take your shirt off, you gave a small giggle at how distracted you were before pulling your shirt off as well. The cold air hit your bare chest, making you shiver underneath her grasp

Ellie’s breath hitched, watching as your chest rose up and down. You looked like an angel to her, your hair sprawled out on the bed, only in a pair of lacy underwear, soft thighs around her waist. How can someone so angelic do something so dirty?

Ellie ran one of her cold hands up your stomach, enjoying the softness of your skin. You reacted to her touch with a small whimper, Goosebumps rising on your skin. She admired every scar and bump on your skin, loving how it looked on your skin. She reached your boobs, placing her hand on top of one. She bent down to place small kisses on your chest.

“I missed these.” She said between kisses.

You giggled, watching her every move. You moved a hand up to her hair, running your hand through it as she kissing and sucked on your skin. You let moans and groans fall off from your lips. She backed them, they encouraged her to do more. She regularly wanted to taste you so her kisses made their way down your neck, down your breast, down your stomach and finally to your lacy pair of underwear.

She placed small kisses on the inside of your thighs, watching you squirm. You watched her every move with wide eyes, she looked up at you nipping at your thighs. She kissed up your thigh until she reached your underwear.

She hooked her fingers on the sides of your underwear and slowly pulled them down, coming face to face with all of you. She slid your underwear off and threw them somewhere in the room. She looked up at you and then back at your thighs.

“Your soaked baby,” she said, breaking the silence.

You just bit your lip, a bit embarrassed about how your cunt was dripping onto your bed sheets. You couldn't help it, Ellie made you feel things no one else has. She noticed your embarrassment.

"Let me guess." She said, sliding a finger up and down your cunt. "You touched yourself to the thought of me, every. single. night while i was gone.

She swiped up and down your cunt a few more times before shoving two fingers inside you. You threw your head back, only ellies long slim fingers could reach that one place inside you that made your toes curl and she hit it every. single. time.

"What'd you think about huh?" She said, planting another sweet little kiss on your thigh.

you didn't respond, more like you couldn't respond. She curled her fingers, just grazing you g-spot. She chuckled up at you, leading her kissing up and up. She was promised to ruin you and she was going too.

"Was it me fucking you with the strap, you hands tied to the bed post while i thrust in and out.." Her fingers forcefully shoving in and out of you harshly to accentuate her words. "of your sweet little cunt."

You let out a high pitched moan in response to those harsh thrusts, making you see stars. She grinned, gripping onto your thigh roughly before licking up your cunt as if she was licking an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

She scissored her fingers inside of you, not going too fast but deep and rough. the sinful sound of her fingers working in and out of your cunt filled the room along with your sweet moans. She licked you one last time, lapping up your juices before savoring the way you tasted.

"or was it just like this?" She asked once again, fully aware of you too lost in the pleasure to answer her. "My head in between your thighs, fucking you with my tongue and fingers while you sit back looking all cute."

She was right to say the least, you did run your hand down your body at night while thinking about her. You thought about it all, every position, every toy you had, every single dirty thing you thought about while fucking yourself until you were too tired to stay awake.

Your hands gripped onto the sheets, your knuckles turning yellow. A thin sheet of sweat was developing along your flushed body. Ellie's fingers got faster, curling and thrusting and then spreading apart before doing it over and over and over again. It was enough to make you cum right then and there if she asked.

"Your lucky baby..." she stated, looking up at you seeing you come apart. "I'm going to fuck you until you've made a pretty mess out of yourself and than i'm going to fuck you all over again."

Ellie's hand pushed your thigh all the way down to the bed, then returned to it to grip at it as she divided her tongue into your cunt. She started slow with her tongue but her fingers stayed the same pace , rough and fast.

Her tongue was so sudden it made you moan a little too loud for your liking. That didn't stop her but made her movement quicker, her fingers jabbing at your g-spot head on now. You were absolutely on fire, your skin felt hot and sticky.

You reached up to your boobs and grabbed at them, only maximizing the pleasure. Ellie licked circles on your clit, the sensitive bud sending waves of pleasure throughout your body. You threw your head back, back arching and waist thrusting along with her fingers.

Her nails dug into your thighs flesh, leaving small moon shapes there. Your moans became louder and at this point you didnt care if anyone heard, right now the only thing you cared about was Ellie's mouth on your aching cunt.

Ellie blew cool air onto your cunt, making you jerk up to meet her mouth. She chuckled at your neediness before giving you what you wanted, her mouth. There was no point in teasing you now and she obviously wasn't done punishing you.

Her tongue sped up, lapping at your cunt and really focusing on your clit. She added another finger, allowing her fingers to go deeper. Your hand gripped at her hair to grab it, thrusting your hips up faster and harder than before.

She couldn't get a good angle on your cunt so she took the hand that was on your thighs and brought it up to your waist to keep you down. You could feel your orgasm near but it felt different this time, your belly felt like it was on fire.... it didn't hurt it just felt different, a good difference?

Ellie added another finger, stretching you open. Her tongue was set and determined on your clit, the sensitive bud becoming overstimulated. You could no longer control your volume, you were basically screaming to the point ellie decided if she should stop or not. She didn't need more noise complaints.

Your body was already shaking violently, your stomach felt like it was on fire. This was terrifying how you felt but at the same time you didn't want it to stop. It felt so good and hurt in the best way possible.

Ellie didn't slow down but only sped up more and more until you let out a loud scream. The building knot in your stomach finally snapped and you were overcome with such ecstasy such pleasure, pure fucking light. It was all too much for you, your vision almost went and your hearing ceased for a split second.

From ellies point of view her fingers were soaked, along with her chest and face and even her jeans. She didn't know what was happening for a minute, her first thought was you had peed on her to be honest but after taking one look up at you she knew what had happened. You had squirted.... it had been something she had seen in an old porn tape she came across.

You felt far away from your own body, feeling only wetness on your lower half and after shock waves coming from your cunt. You came back to your body when your head was talking to you.

"Holy shit.... i didn't think i could do that..'' She admitted to you as your eyes fluttered open.

You looked over at her to see her completely soaked with your juices, you suddenly became embarrassed. You didn't know your body did did that, you didn' think it could do that. You closed your your sticky legs as best as you could.

"I'm sorry..." You said, sitting up slowly.

"No no.... It's okay!" Ellie laughed, pushing you slightly back down.

She laid on top of you, kissing you softly. She never wanted you to be ashamed of yourself even after doing something so fucking hot. She brushed your hair out of your face.

"That was a hot babe.... don't be sorry." She smiled.

You let out a sigh, honestly you were still slightly in shock and not yet fully conscious. You were sticky and sweaty, your bottom half tingling and drenched. Ellie's body on yours didn't make it any better but you were okay with that, you just wanted to be with her.

She could sense you not being all there by the way your eyes were still foggy. So she lifted herself off of you and made her way across the room to put on some music, trying to coax you back into your body again.

She went back to the bed and cuddled you up into a blanket before laying beside you, talking to you in a sweet and calm voice telling you all about her journey. She told you about the forest they traveled through and how she swore she saw fairies at one point. She just said anything to relax you and ground you.

"You're cute when you babble." You spoke, voice raspy from screaming.

"look who's back.." She joked, moving a hair from your face.

"That was intense..." You replied, you moved your hand up and down her arm before grabbing her hand in yours

"I know, they make it look so easy in porn." She said, making you perk up.

"Porn?!?!" You asked

You gave her a wide eyed look wanting to know the story behind her porn experience. She scoffed at your sudden interest and threw her hands up, regretting the decision to stay that.

"It was one time when I was 15.... I came across a tape!" She said, laughing at her stupid teenage self.

“Well i have to know the full story…”

[fyeah-bangtan7]

V: “I have a desire to perfect one cool thing about myself”

As he’s being interviewed, V speaks his mind at a relaxed pace. But there was one moment where he kept on speaking without taking a breath. Look for that moment in the interview below. You listen to a lot of old music on vinyl. Has any particular artist’s music excited you since your last interview with Weverse Magazine? V: I was listening to Louis Armstrong’s music again. And I picked up some albums with a pretty jacket that’s also got a lot of really good hits on it.

How do you feel when you’re listening to those classics? V: I feel like I’m beginning to relax a bit. If I listen to a song when I’m feeling depressed and then really get thinking, the things that are frustrating me disappear, and I can feel myself becoming more peaceful. And it makes me picture things in my head. For example, some songs might make me think of seeing something in front of me while walking down the road somewhere at night when I listen to them. I think setting the mood for listeners is the most important thing. The mood will presumably be different for everyone, but for me, those songs are the ones that are good at setting a really beautiful mood in the moment.

You said that you got inspiration from artists of the past like Sammy Davis Jr. for your performance in “Dynamite.” Was there any artist who inspired you for “Butter”? V: Well, there was Billy Joel. When I shoot a music video, I think of a movie more than any one artist. And when I perform on stage, for some songs I think of the way movies like Reservoir Dogs look. For “Butter,” I watched a lot of teen movies. And musicals. After that I randomly ended up seeing a video on YouTube of some scenes from an old teen movie Johnny Depp did [which turned out to be the movie Cry-Baby]. The image I got from that was really intense. That’s the look I used in “Butter.”

“Butter” felt like a teen musical to me and now I know why. V: I did it like a teen musical, just like you say. When we shot the “Butter” music video, I really, really tried to shoot the part in the elevator so it would feel like a teen movie. Although a lot of takes were edited, so not all of it’s there. (laughs)

What kind of feeling do you get from that kind of teen movie that you find so charming? V: For me, teen movies show a youthfulness that’s appropriate for the age. I think there’s an appropriate mix of emotion, energy, and a completely different and peculiar mood that everyone necessarily experiences at that age. If you watch teen movies, they’re overflowing with energy and full of sunny emotion, but behind it all they’re not as bright as they seem. They are really bright, but the color itself almost feels like some kind of filter. They feel like they have a different filter than other movies, so I tried thinking of teen movies when we shot the music video and put on performances.

That teen movie feeling seems to be divided in two between “Butter” and “Permission to Dance.” By the looks of the thumbnails for the fancam focus videos uploaded to the BANGTANTV YouTube channel, “Butter” seems to showcase a really cool character, while “Permission to Dance” is more teenagers smiling brightly for children. V: The teen movie vibe in “Butter” and “Permission to Dance” are different from one another. We showed the sunny image people usually think of when they think of teen movies in “Permission to Dance.”

Do you think that going with the teen movie vibe influenced your vocals to be the new style that you used? In “Butter,” you still had your signature vocals but without the deep notes, giving them a new feeling. V: That’s because, when we’re given a concept, we have to come up with vocals that fit with the concept. I think my singing style matched up with the concept, so I feel relatively satisfied. There was nothing majorly difficult about actually changing the style itself, since unlike changing your voice, you only have to change your vocal technique. Having said that, even though the notes in “Butter” were high for me, I still hit them! (laughs)

I guess hitting the high notes was your assignment this time around as a vocalist. V: I’ve been working a long time to make up for my weak points. For example, I thought I was weak when it comes to high notes because I sing low parts a lot and I tend to sing in a flowing way. But I had trouble when we were recording “Dynamite” and I had to sing the high notes during the chorus. I got so mad (laughs) so I practiced a lot.

How does it feel to see the results you’re seeing with “Butter” now after all that effort? V: I’m just trying not to rest on my laurels. Like instead of savoring the feeling, I feel like I should go to bed early for everything I have to do the next day? Getting back in tiptop shape quickly is what’s important, so I haven’t really had time to bask in the joy very much. I’m just working hard at the work I had like I always do.In your 

New Year’s greeting on YouTube, you said you regretted not being able to put on the show for ARMY you wanted, and that your 2021 resolution is to “follow my own pace and pattern” when you work on music. Do you think your personal pace and your professional pace are in step this year? V: No. [My professional pace is] fast, so fast. (laughs) We have a lot we have to get ready for since we’re always promoting. It can be challenging sometimes, but in a way, I think it’s also given me a good opportunity to become a little stronger.

I imagine it’s meaningful to do the work for your own songs, because you can slip into your own world. You also made “Blue & Grey” when you were having a hard time, and it consequently became a song that allowed you to empathize with many people and vice versa. Looking back now, what kind of song do you think “Blue & Grey” will be remembered as? V: I think with “Blue & Grey” I just wanted the song to let people know how I was feeling, and how we were feeling, at that time a little better. Obviously everyone was having a hard time, but I think I wanted to share those emotions with ARMY as-is, including the pains we went through in our growth process. And, to put it another way, I think I just felt like making it obvious. (laughs) I thought it was okay to be that obvious, seeing as I couldn’t put those feelings into words. I just hope people could understand how I was feeling; it’s okay if it becomes forgotten later on.

In the “BE-hind Story” interview on YouTube, you talked about the first line of “Blue & Grey”: “Where is my angel?” You explained how, when you have any kind of issue, you close your eyes and wish for your angel to come and think. Are there times when it seems like your angel understands your feelings, as you just mentioned? V: I get a ton of answers by doing it. I’m not religious, but whenever I have some kind of issue, I close my eyes and think about it. Is this right, the way I’m thinking about this, or not? They’re just yes or no questions, like, Does my outfit look good today? Instead of just worrying about what you should do, if you tackle it in the form of a question, you  get a response with the answer.

I guess it could work when you’re looking for inspiration in your life, but what about for your music? In your previous Weverse Magazine interview, you said you make a note whenever you feel something. V: I write in my diary in hopes that it’ll help with writing lyrics and so I don’t forget those feelings. I do it constantly—I open up my diary whenever something comes up. I copy melodies that pop up in my mind, lyrics, and other things from my diary to my notes app temporarily, and when I’m taking a break or I get the urge to work, I open my notes and say, Let’s try this out today, and run over to the studio.

You released “Snow Flower,” featuring Peakboy by V, on Christmas Day. Is that another song you ran to the studio to work on after the feeling came to you? V: For that song, when I was drinking with some older musicians, we were talking about doing a song together, and then we were like, Well, do you think we’ll have time to do that? So we decided to do it right then since everyone was available. My mixtape was delayed, so I at least wanted to play a different song for ARMY, and I thought, since I’m a bit tipsy (laughs) I thought I should try writing something. So I made the song really quickly. In maybe three hours.

Even though you made it quickly, the composition is somewhat complex and it has the same unique atmosphere that “Blue & Grey” did. V: There’s times when I’m, like, in the zone (laughs) and can make a song all in one sitting, but when I’m not feeling it, I end up revising it more and more. And I don’t want the composition to be too obvious, so I try to change up the way the melody flows. With that kind of sharp image coming to you almost immediately, what were you imagining for that song? V: You might think “Snow Flower” is about a type of snowflake, but I was actually thinking about snow and flowers separately. I started hoping that flowers wouldn’t wither away and just keep on blooming on snowy days. But in reality, when it snowed, all the flowers were crushed, the world became blanketed in snow, and I felt like the flower buds turned into snow flowers. I wrote that song about how I felt after watching that happen.

It must be important to feel things intuitively when you’re trying to express yourself through song. V: If it sounds pretty to me: approved. (laughs)

On the other hand, as a member of BTS, you have a job where you have to deal with a packed schedule and keep various situations in mind. How does that make you feel? When you celebrated your Billboard Hot 100 win on V LIVE and the topic of your clothes came up, you joked that you wore them to give off an idol vibe. V: It’s fun. It’s fun, but I could also say it’s hard. The performances are fun. I think idols should shine in a way that’s suitable for their age, and it’s important to do lots of things for fans like ARMY. Not just performances, but also posting pictures, having conversations on social media, making content. We’re artists and idols, so we think each and every one of those things is important. That sentiment won’t change just because we’ve achieved so much success.

You recently held an impromptu event on Weverse for ARMY. V: I’m sure there’s lots of ARMY out there who are tired of not being able to see us in person. But since the only thing we can do for them is to be on stage and stuff, I was worried that we’re not doing enough for them. And I love being able to talk with ARMY so much that now it’s like a habit that I read their posts. I have a thing today. I have a test today. I’m moving today. Somehow I feel better when I hear their stories. When I end up reading things like about how ARMY are living or what kind of lives ARMY have, I can’t help but write a response, and because of that ARMY respond, so I try to become friendlier in a more fun way, too. I want us to be more than the Billboard number one Bangtanies—I want to be ARMY’s partner, their best friend, the friend who’s always by their side when we’re not on stage. It feels like business when I talk about communicating with ARMY. (laughs) I just want to talk with a close friend. I wanna talk with a close friend—that’s exactly how I feel. It’s been a long time since I could see my friend, ARMY. Usually when friends can’t see each other they keep in touch all the time. I can talk about all kinds of things like that with ARMY thanks to the Weverse platform, and because I can hear all about their lives, I think I was able to go on Weverse and hold that kind of event.

You’ve been talking about ARMY nonstop for a few minutes. I was going to ask you how you feel about ARMY, but I think you already answered the question. (laughs) V: They’re just, well, friends I would hate to lose. Friends who seriously give me strength whenever they’re around. Sometimes you find friends like that in life. It’s like that with the other members, and I have other friends who I can share my feelings with. And I have ARMY. So I can’t help but do whatever I can do to make those people smile and make them feel happy.

Well then, is there a song you’ve heard that you want to let ARMY know about? A song that shares your feelings. V: Umm, recently … “No. 1 Party Anthem” by Arctic Monkeys. When I hear that song … I get emotional, somehow. I don’t usually listen to a lot of rock music, but I can instantly feel the band’s emotions with that song. I seriously get goosebumps listening to it, and emotional, and just all kinds of feelings. It’s to the point that, as soon as I hear that song, I think about how I really want to live well.

That song really means a lot to you. V: Actually, I don’t really know what’s up with that song. I don’t even know the lyrics, but I’m quite clear on what sort of emotions the melody and the band’s performance give me.

Don’t you feel like that’s an emotion you want to express to people, as an artist? Like you don’t have to explain your messages in detail? V: I don’t know. I just want to exchange the good, and be the one to embrace the bad. So I have a desire to perfect one cool thing about myself.

So how close do you think you are right now to becoming an artist who has perfected something cool? V: I’ll say 2%. It’ll go up someday later. (laughs)

© source

[redwinterroses]

Could you do something with 3rd Life Joel?

Harley I saw your reply on my 2AM post last night and YES the weird Joel thing IS from your ask. XD I had no idea what to do with this originally because Joel has a lot of good moments but I really wasn't in the mood to do much angsty with him (Joel kind of... exudes anti-angst. He's just so factual about everything and the sarcasm is Off The Charts. I love it.)

But I was getting ready to sleep and randomly scrolled past a post about the myth of Black Shuck and the Wild Hunt and my brain was suddenly possessed by a wild spirit of fanfiction so.... Here. Have this Very Odd piece.

(It works best if you read it in a messy Irish accent, lol.)

(also this may be a lead-up to my Trickster God Scar and Archangel Grian thing someday. We'll see.)

~*~

The Wild Hunt

.

.

.

Listen here, child, and I’ll tell ya a tale: the tale of the Wolf King, and a Wild Hunt.

What? Ya know the story? Sit down and hush—you ain’t heard it the way I’ll tell it. And I should know: I seen him myself.

Would ya call yer old granny a liar? For shame. Sit down, you. Eat yer cookie. Listen.

(don’t pinch yer brother, ya nugget, or no more cookies for you.)

He were born out of flames and fire and smoke, y’see. Born when he died, t’be fair, but born in fire all the same. ‘Twas the Grave Maiden what set his roof aflame, she an’ her undead hoard, and of course the Trickster was there as well—fat lot o’ good that did the Wolf King. But he chose his bed, and he laid in it, and we all reap his dreams thereafter.

So there he were, all newly grey and smoulderin’ and his eyes a’burnt like coals and fire and his belly growlin’ for revenge. But he weren’t the Wolf King, not yet—he were then only a lowly red, with naught but one life—like you or me.

(how’d he start with more than one? Well he were a god, weren’t he? Or he were meant to be. No, I don’t know who choses them things—prob’ly the Archangel but don’t tell the cleric you heard that from me. He don’t like me puttin’ the Angel over the Trickster or the Red King. Clerics don’t have much imagination, y’see.)

So what did he do with his one life? With his one, bloody, beatin’ red heart? “Well,” he says, he says to himself, “I need me an army, if I’m gonna take down the Grave Maiden.”

(Shush, child, don’t spoil the story. Yer brother don’t know how it ends.)

“I need me an army,” says he. “But no one will ally with me, and if they did: I’d kill them anyway—” y’see, he had taste for blood, woke with it in his teeth, like any good wolf. “—I’d kill them anyway, the whole world is my enemy.”

So instead of allies, he went to the wolves. And he went to the great da wolf and the great mam wolf, and he says to them, he says: “Give me some of yer children, to fight in my wars.”

And of course the wolves said that was crazy, they weren’t gonna send their children off with some grey-faced red-lifer on a quest to fight the gods. But the Wolf King—

(No, he weren’t the Wolf King yet. No, I don’t know what he were called before. He didn’t matter before.)

The Wolf King—who wasn’t the Wolf King yet—bared his bloody teeth at them wolves and growled at them and said in the words of wolves that they could send their children with him, or he could take ‘em on his own.

Now, wolves is wise—remember that, nugget—wolves is wise, and wolves is knowing. And they looked at this red in front of them and they were knowing that he weren’t lying. And they looked at this red and they were wise and said “Fine, alright, you can take any of ourn that’ll go with ye.”

“Fair enough,” says he. And wolf pups ain’t so wise and so knowing as their parents—remember that, nugget, parents know more’n you give ‘em grief for—so he left with his army: a passel o’ young, foolish wolves.

(Well. Some might say they was foolish. Some might say they was grand and brave and the best wolves to be born on this earth. Some might say that they can be both. Don’t ya go askin’ the cleric though.)

So there he be, this Wolf King and his pack. His army: his teeth and his claws. And now, on moonless nights, ye can hear ‘em: forever huntin’ for the Grave Maiden and her Fallen One and her hordes—she’s his sworn enemy, ya know. But that don’t stop him fightin’ with the other gods too.

He loves to chase the Red King over the mountains—sometimes ya can hear them in the night, howlin’ back and forth at each other, the wolves runnin’ the King and his Hand over the peaks and into the desert dunes. And sometimes the Red King comes after him and the pack too, o’course, but that’s a story for another night and older ears. It’s a bit too sad for cookies by the fire.

(No, love—yer mum’d kill me if I sang the Fall of the Wolf King with yer brother here. He’s too young for that tale.)

He’ll never defeat the Grave Maiden, and he’ll never catch the Red King, and he’ll never burn down all the Flower Kingdom no matter how many times he tries: that’s the nature o’ the gods, y’see, and it’s what makes us happier creatures. ‘Cause they can never finish their stories—they’re trapped in a forever dance of give and take, alliance and war, love and hate. But it’s all real, an’ it’s all true.

And believe me or not but cross my one bleedin’ heart and hope to die (that’s another thing not to repeat in front o’ the cleric, ya hear me, child?): I seen him.

I seen the Wolf King. Just once, but that were enough.

I seen him under the moonlight, racin’ across the moors with his bayin’ army at his back an’ at his front an’ all around him: a sea of white fur, frothin’ about like foam on the surf. All their eyes were burnin’ in the moonlight—I swear it on the Dragon herself. Burnin’ red, they was, like the very flames the Grave Maiden lit. They looked right at me, and I knew—I knew I were his next kill.

(The Wolf King ain’t nice, child. Of course he ain’t nice. He’s mad is what he is. And madmen don’t make for good people to meet when you’re crossing the moors alone of a night, on yer way home from a dance in Crastleton.)

(What do ya mean ya don’t want a sad story? The sad part’s over, child—clearly I didn’t get gobbled up by the Wolf King’s pack, or else who’d be here tellin’ ya this story now, I ask ya? Sit back down with yer sister and listen.)

So I seen him over the crest of the hill, with the moon a silver ha’penny in the sky above and the stars all a-glimmer and a-shinin’ like the lights of the Widow’s crown. And they came down the hill and they swept over me—all them wolves, all glory and soft and fang and hot breath on me face and I closed me eyes—I did!—and just waited for them to gobble me up.

But ya know what happened instead? ‘Course you don’t, that’s why I’m tellin’ ya. Instead o’ teeth and claws and my one life bleedin’ out on the moor… I hears a voice.

No, he didn’t say nothin’, it weren’t words. The Wolf King don’t use human words no more.

But he were laughin’.

Imagine that! Imagine me, not so much older than you, love, alone out on the moor and ringed about by the Wolf King’s army all a’swirlin’ and boundin’ around me: and the Wolf King laughs.

I couldn't help meself, though I'll never know why: but I laughed too.

And then he grabbed me by me arm and we ran.

Oh, my children. If I live to be a thousand I’ll never forget that night.

(Don’t you repeat this to the cleric. Or yer mother. They both think I’m dotty as a bat as it is.)

The Wolf King and his pack run faster than birds can fly—faster than horses, faster than hounds. Faster than I could run, even then: but it didn’t matter. They carried me along, light as a feather and more nimble than a hare. Over the mountain, down the vale, through the ruins of the Flower Kingdom—yes, I’ve seen the Flower Kingdom, but only by moonlight and we didn’t stop, but I heard later that there was fires again so he must have gotten his bite at the Widow and the Soldier when I weren’t lookin’.

And all the while, the whole pack was howlin’. Howlin’ like the front gale of a nor’easter comin’ up the coast: the wolves was howlin’, and the King was howlin’, and Void take me if I weren’t howlin’ too, just like this—

(Oh hush, child, that weren’t even so loud. End’s all, if you ain’t a skittish little creature—get back here and eat another cookie.)

We ran all night, runnin’ and howlin’ and leavin’ fire and fang in our wake. But it couldn’t last forever, as the Wolf King only wanted me runnin’ with him as long as it was sportin’, and even with the wolves carryin’ me along I did get tired. More tired than I’ve ever been before or since, I don’t mind tellin’ ya.

So come mornin’, come dawnin’ of the next day’s sun, I find myself back on the road to Crastleton. My dress were in tatters and my feet were a bleedin’ mess of cuts and blisters that never did hurt, my hair tangled with wind knots and wolf hair, and my throat hoarse from howlin’.

And just before he left, him swirlin’ about with a millin’ mess of wolves around his feet, the Wolf King looked at me—looked at me, I tell ya—and gave me a grin that were full of as many teeth as there are leaves in a tree. He tossed me this, and then he were gone—sweeping up and away off the moor like nothing more than a ghost in a dream.

(Here, look at it. What do you think it is? I’ve always said it’s a claw, but what kinda creature has silver claws, I ask you? Give that back to me now, child—it hasn’t left me side in six times so long as you’ve been alive, and it’ll be buried with me if I can get someone other than the cleric to do the job.)

So of course the Wolf King is real! And so the Trickster and the Archangel and the Grave Maiden and the Widow and the Soldier and the Red King and the Hand and all the rest of them. If ye’re very, very good, and very, very lucky, mayhap you’ll even see them one day.

Because of course, they might be gods, child. But in one way, they’re just like you and me: they’ve got but one life—red and bloodied and barin’ their teeth.

And the Wolf King runs forever, chasing after the Grave Maiden and her Fallen One and even the Traitor when the mood strikes him. He’ll never catch her, but she’ll never outrun him either. The Wolf King hunts forever.

Now—you finish up that cookie and run outside. I hear your mama callin’ for you. And remember: we don’t tell Mama anything Granny says about the cleric, alrighty?

Alrighty.

Goodnight, children—sleep tight; don’t let the phantoms bite.

And just maybe—if you’re real, real quiet—you might hear the howling.

Howl back.

[im-sad-lets-have-sex]

Fifty (50)Toxic People Quotes To Help You Develop Boundaries .

If you’ve recognized you need to set limits with people in your life, these toxic people quotes will help you do just that.

We all have toxic people in our lives who can’t be avoided. It could be a friend, family member, or a coworker whom you just can’t stand.

Their toxicity manifests in a lot of different ways. Maybe they are full of interpersonal issues, are needy and disrespectful, or maybe they try to manipulate and control you, and are extremely critical of themselves and other people. Whatever the case, dealing with toxic people isn’t easy.

If you are often made uncomfortable by how those around you treat you, maybe it’s time to set and maintain personal boundaries. Clear boundaries that will help ensure your relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. You deserve to be treated well.

It’s time to establish boundaries in your life for negative people, and these toxic people quotes are the necessary first step. They will inspire you to set the limits for acceptable behavior from those around you and help you avoid getting too close to people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

Toxic people can only upset you if you let them upset you. Recognize and distance yourself from their behavior. And when interacting with them, focus on the positive.

Below is our collection of inspirational, wise, and thoughtful, toxic people quotes, toxic people sayings, and toxic people proverbs, collected from a variety of sources over the years.

Toxic People Quotes To Help You Develop Boundaries

1.) “If it comes, let it come. If it goes, it’s ok, let it go. Let things come and go. Stay calm, don’t let anything disturb your peace, and carry on.” ― Germany Kent

2,) “It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around when you remove toxic people from your life.” — Robert Tew

3.) “You create more space in your life when you turn your excess baggage to garbage.” ― Chinonye J. Chidolue

4.) “Pay no attention to toxic words. What people say is often a reflection of themselves, not you.” ― Christian Baloga

5.) “Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.” – Hussein Nishah

6.) “Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fearof giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!”― Yvonne Pierre

7.) “Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.” — Robert Tew

8.) “You lift your spirits by moving away from what upsets you. If the stove is hot, you can’t ask how to touch it but be happy about it.” ― Queen Tourmaline

9.) “If a person finds negative people in his life, then he needs to mend his own nature than that of others, for his own basic grounding decides the level of acidic or toxicity surrounding him.” — Anuj Somany

10.) “Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.” ― Mandy Hale

Toxic people quotes to inspire healthy self-respect

11.) “There’s folks you just don’t need. You’re better off without em. Your life is just a little better because they ain’t in it.” ― William Gay

12.) “There are people who break you down by just being them. They need not do anything. Dissociate” ― Malebo Sephodi

13.) “Every day you must unlearn the ways that hold you back. You must rid yourself of negativity, so you can learn to fly.” — Leon Brown

14.) “We all have those toxic people around us that make our lives miserable… The day we take them out from our lives, we will all become better people; including them…” ― Rodolfo Peon

15.) “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” — Deborah Reber

16.) “How you choose to feel today should not be dependent on others.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

17.) “May you reach that level within, where you no longer allow your past or people with toxic intentions to negatively affect or condition you.” ― Lalah Delia

18.) “Surround yourself with positive people who believe in your dreams, encourage your ideas, support your ambitions, and bring out the best in you.” — Roy Bennett

19.) “Let negative people live their negative lives with their negative minds.”― Moosa Rahat

20.) “Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” ― John Mark Green

Quotes about toxic friends, family and relationships

21.) “As you remove toxic people from your life, you free up space and emotional energy for positive, healthy relationships.” ― John Mark Green

22.) “I have found the best way to deal with a toxic person is to not respond in any other way than monotone voice and a businesslike manner.” ― Jen Grice

23.) “Weeding out the harmful influences should become the norm not the exception.” ― Carlos Wallace

24.) “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” — C. JoyBell C.

25.) “We teach people how to treat us.” – Dr. Phil

26.) “Sometimes it’s better to end something & try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.” – Karen Salmansohn

27.) “People appear like angels until you hear them speak. You must not rush to judge people by the color of their cloaks, but by the content of their words!” ― Israelmore Ayivor

28.) “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too can become great.” — Mark Twain

29.) “Look around you at the people you spend the most time with and realize that your life can’t rise any higher than your friendships.” ― Mandy Hale

30.) “Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.” — Will Smith

Toxic people quotes to help you set and maintain boundaries

31.) “When people pressure you to engage in negative decisions and actions, look at them boldly in the eyes and dare them to do good.” ― Edmond Mbiaka

32.) “Don’t ever stop believing in your own transformation. It is still happening even on days you may not realize it or feel like it.” ― Lalah Delia

33.) “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” — Dr. Steve Maraboli

34.) “If a negative viewer looks at you with an ugly fiendish eye, find a way and pluck off his eyes, or better still, protect your good image.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson

35.) “People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” — Hans F. Hasen

36.) “Save your skin from the corrosive acids from the mouths of toxic people. Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

37.) “I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.” – Mahatma Gandhi

38.) “Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.” ― Kamand Kojouri

39.) “We do not have to be mental health professionals to identify the traits of the possible sociopaths among us.” ― P.A. Speers

40.) “These are the attributes of Bullshit people; they will…blur your imagination, take your endowments for a piece of debris, make you ridiculous, and most importantly, you got to send them to the recycle bin.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson

Toxic people quotes to help you deal with negativity

41.) “Don’t let people get the best of you they can say what they want but don’t let that distract you from achieving your goals.” ― Alcurtis Turner

42.) “Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.” – DLQ

43.) “The friends who would forsake you for choosing to live a positive life, would also leave you if you find yourself going through some painful consequences due to some negative decisions and actions.” ― Edmond Mbiaka

44.) “You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” — Joel Osteen

45.) “We don’t get to choose our family, but we can choose our friends. With courage, we can weed out narcissistic people. We can focus on those who do appreciate us, love us, and treat us with respect.” ― Dana Arcuri

46.) “If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behavior.” — Dr. Steve Maraboli

47.) “My encouragement: delete the energy vampires from your life, clean out all complexity, build a team around you that frees you to fly, remove anything toxic, and cherish simplicity. Because that’s where genius lives.” — Robin S. Sharma

48.) “Someone who smiles too much with you can sometime frown too much with you at your back.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson

49.) “It is really exhausting to live in a dictatorship of ‘Me’, which is basically a tyranny of others.” ― Stefan Molyneux

50.) “Let go of negative people. They only show up to share complaints, problems, disastrous stories, fear, and judgment on others. If somebody is looking for a bin to throw all their trash into, make sure it’s not in your mind.” – Dalai Lama

Which of these toxic people quotes was your favorite?

Sometimes you find yourself with a friend, family member, or a partner who is really difficult to get along with. When you’re around them, you feel degraded or manipulated. Dealing with such people is never easy so you should find ways to tune out the toxicity that can’t be avoided.

Don’t invest too much time or effort with toxic people. They don’t deserve your mental energy. Hopefully, the toxic people quotes above will help you deal with such negative people.

How did you find these toxic people quotes? Do you have any other inspirational quotes to add to the list? Let us know in the comment section below. Also, don’t forget to share with your friends and followers.

If you’ve recognized you need to set limits with people in your life, these toxic people quotes will help you do just that.

We all have toxic people in our lives who can’t be avoided. It could be a friend, family member, or a coworker whom you just can’t stand.

Their toxicity manifests in a lot of different ways. Maybe they are full of interpersonal issues, are needy and disrespectful, or maybe they try to manipulate and control you, and are extremely critical of themselves and other people. Whatever the case, dealing with toxic people isn’t easy.

If you are often made uncomfortable by how those around you treat you, maybe it’s time to set and maintain personal boundaries. Clear boundaries that will help ensure your relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. You deserve to be treated well.

It’s time to establish boundaries in your life for negative people, and these toxic people quotes are the necessary first step. They will inspire you to set the limits for acceptable behavior from those around you and help you avoid getting too close to people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

Toxic people can only upset you if you let them upset you. Recognize and distance yourself from their behavior. And when interacting with them, focus on the positive.

Below is our collection of inspirational, wise, and thoughtful, toxic people quotes, toxic people sayings, and toxic people proverbs, collected from a variety of sources over the years.

Toxic People Quotes To Help You Develop Boundaries

1.) “If it comes, let it come. If it goes, it’s ok, let it go. Let things come and go. Stay calm, don’t let anything disturb your peace, and carry on.” ― Germany Kent

2,) “It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around when you remove toxic people from your life.” — Robert Tew

3.) “You create more space in your life when you turn your excess baggage to garbage.” ― Chinonye J. Chidolue

4.) “Pay no attention to toxic words. What people say is often a reflection of themselves, not you.” ― Christian Baloga

5.) “Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.” – Hussein Nishah

6.) “Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fearof giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!”― Yvonne Pierre

7.) “Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.” — Robert Tew

8.) “You lift your spirits by moving away from what upsets you. If the stove is hot, you can’t ask how to touch it but be happy about it.” ― Queen Tourmaline

9.) “If a person finds negative people in his life, then he needs to mend his own nature than that of others, for his own basic grounding decides the level of acidic or toxicity surrounding him.” — Anuj Somany

10.) “Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. Fumigate.” ― Mandy Hale

Toxic people quotes to inspire healthy self-respect

11.) “There’s folks you just don’t need. You’re better off without em. Your life is just a little better because they ain’t in it.” ― William Gay

12.) “There are people who break you down by just being them. They need not do anything. Dissociate” ― Malebo Sephodi

13.) “Every day you must unlearn the ways that hold you back. You must rid yourself of negativity, so you can learn to fly.” — Leon Brown

14.) “We all have those toxic people around us that make our lives miserable… The day we take them out from our lives, we will all become better people; including them…” ― Rodolfo Peon

15.) “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” — Deborah Reber

16.) “How you choose to feel today should not be dependent on others.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

17.) “May you reach that level within, where you no longer allow your past or people with toxic intentions to negatively affect or condition you.” ― Lalah Delia

18.) “Surround yourself with positive people who believe in your dreams, encourage your ideas, support your ambitions, and bring out the best in you.” — Roy Bennett

19.) “Let negative people live their negative lives with their negative minds.”― Moosa Rahat

20.) “Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” ― John Mark Green

Quotes about toxic friends, family and relationships

21.) “As you remove toxic people from your life, you free up space and emotional energy for positive, healthy relationships.” ― John Mark Green

22.) “I have found the best way to deal with a toxic person is to not respond in any other way than monotone voice and a businesslike manner.” ― Jen Grice

23.) “Weeding out the harmful influences should become the norm not the exception.” ― Carlos Wallace

24.) “You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” — C. JoyBell C.

25.) “We teach people how to treat us.” – Dr. Phil

26.) “Sometimes it’s better to end something & try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.” – Karen Salmansohn

27.) “People appear like angels until you hear them speak. You must not rush to judge people by the color of their cloaks, but by the content of their words!” ― Israelmore Ayivor

28.) “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too can become great.” — Mark Twain

29.) “Look around you at the people you spend the most time with and realize that your life can’t rise any higher than your friendships.” ― Mandy Hale

30.) “Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.” — Will Smith

Toxic people quotes to help you set and maintain boundaries

31.) “When people pressure you to engage in negative decisions and actions, look at them boldly in the eyes and dare them to do good.” ― Edmond Mbiaka

32.) “Don’t ever stop believing in your own transformation. It is still happening even on days you may not realize it or feel like it.” ― Lalah Delia

33.) “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” — Dr. Steve Maraboli

34.) “If a negative viewer looks at you with an ugly fiendish eye, find a way and pluck off his eyes, or better still, protect your good image.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson

35.) “People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” — Hans F. Hasen

36.) “Save your skin from the corrosive acids from the mouths of toxic people. Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

37.) “I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.” – Mahatma Gandhi

38.) “Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.” ― Kamand Kojouri

39.) “We do not have to be mental health professionals to identify the traits of the possible sociopaths among us.” ― P.A. Speers

40.) “These are the attributes of Bullshit people; they will…blur your imagination, take your endowments for a piece of debris, make you ridiculous, and most importantly, you got to send them to the recycle bin.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson

Toxic people quotes to help you deal with negativity

41.) “Don’t let people get the best of you they can say what they want but don’t let that distract you from achieving your goals.” ― Alcurtis Turner

42.) “Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.” – DLQ

43.) “The friends who would forsake you for choosing to live a positive life, would also leave you if you find yourself going through some painful consequences due to some negative decisions and actions.” ― Edmond Mbiaka

44.) “You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” — Joel Osteen

45.) “We don’t get to choose our family, but we can choose our friends. With courage, we can weed out narcissistic people. We can focus on those who do appreciate us, love us, and treat us with respect.” ― Dana Arcuri

46.) “If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behavior.” — Dr. Steve Maraboli

[cenestpasmoi-bechloe]

Wherever you may go, wherever you may be, I will never be far away

Beca has been exhausted with work and overtime in order to provide nice things for Chloe, and pay the bills, etc. When Beca comes home at around 11pm, she finds Chloe curled up on the couch after attempting to wait for Beca. Beca becomes very very soft. :)

Title from Billy Joel's Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel).

Thank you to the anonymous donor for participating in the Pitch Perfect Fandom Drive! This fic is gifted from anon to @green-eyed-weirdo on Tumblr.

Thank you for contributing! Also, happy belated birthday to @green-eyed-weirdo !

I hope you enjoy it and I apologize for taking so long!!

For more info on how to help, visit the @ppfandomdrive page.

Read on Ao3

Beca is exhausted. She’s been working her ass off at Capital records, trying to make a name for herself, and to provide for her small family of three.

Her girlfriend Chloe, herself, and their newest addition, their rescue puppy they had named Chase, because of how he had chased Beca around the first time she saw him. He was a mix of a Collie and something else they couldn’t figure out, but he was the cutest dog ever. At least that was what Chloe had said, and Beca had come to understand it.

But she would never admit that to Chloe. But that dog was damn adorable.

They live in a nice 2 bedroom apartment in Pomona, CA where Chloe can go to Vet school, at Western University of Health Sciences, and Beca can commute to her office.  Chloe has two more years of school, and she’s going to become a Vet after that, but while she goes to school, Beca is the main source of income. They weren’t broke, but they weren’t rich either, and they tried their best to keep it that way. Chloe worked at a Veterinary Clinic near the school, and helped pay the apartment rent. Although Beca had insisted that she didn’t have to, Chloe had somehow convinced her. And Beca couldn't say no to Chloe Beale.  

They had started dating after the USO tour, after Beca had gotten signed to Capitol, and Chloe had been accepted into WesternU, when Beca finally decided to sack up and tell the ginger her feelings.

Their move to California was scheduled around the same time, and having lived in Brooklyn together before, and having started dating, they had mutually decided that moving-in together was a good idea. Her workplace was not too far from where Chloe was going to go to school, and it being cheaper to live in a bigger apartment in Pomona than being crammed in a small apartment in Hollywood, they had chose to live near WesternU. They had started out living in different rooms at first, but found themselves sleeping better, and much more comfortable together in Beca’s room, and they had transferred Chloes old room into a guest room/Beca’s studio when she needed to work from home, or she wanted to work from home.

Beca usually has work with her clients until 7pm, then edit and work on other things until around 10 and then finally, head home. The drive was about 30 minutes, 45 minutes tops, and she would get home at around 11. She had her days off on Wednesdays, and Saturdays and Sundays were half days, or she would sometimes have the weekends off. She always tried to spend more time with Chloe, and she tried to keep a no-work-at-home policy although there were exceptions. That was easy since she had a girlfriend who she could barely say no to.

Tonight was one of those late nights.

The wifi stopped working, and then there was the printer jamming incident, and then had to make sure her emails were sent to her boss about the new client. She finishes up around a quarter to 11, and she gets in her car, sending a quick text to Chloe, telling her that she’d be heading home now. She doubted that she was still awake though since when she gets home at 10:30, she’s usually getting ready for bed, and on days like this, she’s usually fast asleep on Beca’s side of the bed. She drives home, and gets home at about a quarter past 11.

She unlocks the door quietly, and then opens the door slowly, making sure she doesn’t wake up Chloe, who is probably in another room. She just wanted to be safe, just in case. And then Chase comes trotting over to the door, welcoming her home.

“Shhhh… don’t wake mommy up okay?” She says as she crouches down to pet the puppy.

She sees that the light is still on in the room and looks up, seeing her girlfriend curled up on the couch, asleep.

She’s wearing Beca’s gray Bellas sweater, the one that was originally Chloe’s, she stole it somewhere around her sophomore year when she started living in the Bellas house. She had declared that it was hers now, and Chloe had allowed her to keep it all through the years, and now, Chloe’s back to wearing it again. She smiles, walks to the couch, and sits on the floor to kiss the ginger’s cheek.

“I’m home baby.” She says cupping her cheek and kissing her on the lips.

Chloe flutters open her eyes, and wakes up, looking sleepy as heck as she looks at Beca. “I was waiting for you to come home. “She yawns and stretches, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

“Sorry I’m late. I was supposed to leave earlier, but a lot of things happened, I can explain tomorrow. “ She smiles and pecks Chloe’s forehead.

“It’s okay. Did you have dinner?” The ginger asks her as she sits up and stretches her arms.

“No. But I’m not that hungry though.”

“Becaaaaa…. you have to eattttt…”Chloe says to her as she gets up. “I have some leftovers I can heat up.”

“No it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m gonna take Chase out before I get ready for bed. Wait for me in bed?” She asks the ginger, getting up and leaving her bag and taking her jacket off, leaving it on the couch. “Chase. Let’s go out. Bathroom time. “ She says to the dog and he runs to the door excitedly.

“Okay fineee, but I’m coming with you two. I don’t wanna be left behind.” She says with a pouty face as she grabs the leash off the hook.

“Okay then, let’s go.” She takes the leash from the ginger, and connects it to Chase’s collar. “Mommy’s coming with us too.”She smiles, holding onto the leash. Chase jumps up and down excitedly, “I know bud, I’m happy that she’s coming with us too.”She says to the pup and pats him on the head.

“Let’s go!” The redhead returns to the living room, and they both walk out the door, letting Chase mark his territory around the complex, while Chloe and Beca talk about their day, holding hands and walking together.

“Jill keeps texting her boyfriend at work, and she’s always on her phone. I don’t understand how she still has a job.”Beca giggles as she talks about her day.

“I’m sure you’re like that sometimes, I swear, sometimes my phone doesn’t stop vibrating with texts from you.”The redhead jokes, holding Beca’s spare hand which isn’t holding Chase’s leash. The summer breeze makes it a bit chilly, and Chloes glad that she wore her hoodie.

“Oh, I’m not that bad!” Beca exclaims in her quiet nighttime voice, “But I also can’t resist my girlfriend sending me sexy snaps in the middle of the day.”She smirks, squeezing the gingers hand for a moment. Beca had to make sure she had set her notifications to be private, she had that one incident when she almost showed her girlfriend on Airplay at a work meeting. From then on, she knew to keep her notifications discreet. She didn’t need anyone seeing her messages. “I swear to god I almost died when I accidentally opened my Snapchat from you during a meeting. I made it just in time but that was so dangerous.”

“That was because you sent me a raunchy text baby. It’s all your fault. “Chloe scoffs.

“I could’ve been fired!” She whisper yells, raising both her occupied arms up.

“Oh stop exaggerating!”The ginger laughs.

"Oh I'm totally getting back at you for that time!"She jokingly says, pointing at Chloe. "I'm gonna do something to make you so horny that you'll have to take a break, no take the day off!"

"Oh, try. You'll never be able to do that. Remember who always loses the no touching challenge?"

"..um... you?..."

"Oh you wish."Chloe giggles, kissing her nose and running ahead of them. "You can't catch me!!"

"H-Hey!! Chloooooo!"Beca follows along with Chase, but it looks like Chase is taking poor Beca on a run.

“Hey Bec?” Chloe says as they make their way back into the house, unhooking Chase’s leash off of him and letting him run inside.

“Huh?”Beca looks at the ginger, closing the door behind and then making sure it’s locked.

“I love you.”She says, her smile soft and genuine.

These are the moments that make Beca’s heart pound like crazy. Like how did she deserve this angel? How? “I love you too.” She repeats back, kissing the ginger and wrapping her arms around her. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”she mumbles into Chloes shoulder as they awkwardly toddle over to the couch and fall onto it.

“Everything Bec. You’re amazing. I wonder if I ever deserve you. You spoil me too much baby. “She chuckles as she kisses her forehead.

“And you tease me too much.”Beca jokes, and she earns a light slap from the ginger. “Heyyy! Thats not fair!”

“Its fair alright, I tease you because you’re just too damn adorable.”

“Am not! I’m not adorable! I’m badass!” She says as she tries to pry herself away from Chloe, but her girl is too strong, making her stuck in Chloe’s embrace.

“Okay, okay, whatever you say cutiehead.”She giggles, kissing her right on the cheek.

“Ugh, I hate you.”Beca pouts jokingly.

“You do not hate me. Exaggerator!”She kisses her cheek again, this time much more like a wet-grandma-like kiss.

“Ewwwwww… you kiss like a grandma! My cheek is wet!”Beca complains, wiping it off with her arm.

“Want me to do it again?”Chloe asks, going in for the kiss again, but Beca’s hand stops it from reaching her cheek. “Noooooooooh!” Her lips get closer again.

“I don’t hear a please Beca.”Chloe teases, getting even closer.

“NOooooooh!”

“C’mon Beca. Just one word baby.”

“Okay fine! Please stop!” Beca gives up and Chloe’s lips retrieves.

“See? That wasn’t so hard? Was it Beca? When you’re a good girl, you get your way, or can get things faster.”She winks. “But when you’re a bad girl, you don’t get your way, and sometimes you can get more pain or teasing from it. “She lowers her hand down to Beca’s ass and squeezes it, making Beca wince. She had been a bad girl in bed last Saturday, and the pain was much better but its still hurt a bit. But that story’s for another day.

“Can we go to bed? I’m really tired. Like exhausted.”Beca asks her girlfriend, looking up at her with pouty eyes.

“Okay. Let’s get to bed, really tired. I don’t know where my Beca went though.”She jokes and giggles, taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom.

“Its almost 12. Which means it’s already tomorrow, and now we don’t have anymore time to sleep…”Beca mumbles as she walks into the closet and gets changed into her pajamas, an oversized teeshirt, which is of corse Chloe’s, and plops down on the bed.

“You’re okay. C’mere baby.”Chloe says as she lifts the comforter up and slides in, waiting for Beca to do the same.

Beca yawns as she gets in and curls up close to Chloe, her bing the little spoon and Chloe being the big spoon. “I love you.” She closes her eyes, and lets Chloe wrap her body around hers, feeling safe and comfortable.

“You’re quite the over thinker, aren’t you baby.”Chloe chuckles as she peppers kisses all over Beca’s head, and then starts running her fingers through Beca’s hair, allowing her to relax.

“But it’s true though, i.....”

“Shh… baby. Stop talking and calm down.” The ginger says gently and kisses her head once again.

Beca’s train of thoughts don’t stop though,she stops talking but the thoughts in her mind keep running, and she can't seem to stop them. She thinks about how perfect her life is, with Chloe and Chase, and how she want to pop the question soon. How she's gonna do that, what say to ask Stacie to help her pick the engagement ring, and then how the wedding is gonna be, how she's gonna tell the Bellas, and on and on and on and....

“Beca. Turn off your thoughts. I can still hear the gears turning.”Chloe says.

"I'm no...."

"Save the questions and the thoughts for another day Becs. " She rubs her arm.

“Mkay….night...”Beca mumbles, turning and facing Chloe’s body, curling up once again as she rubs her back.

It can wait another day.

She soon relaxes and lets sleep take over, feeling safe and sound in Chloe’s arms.

Chloe kisses the sleeping brunette's head for the last time before she falls asleep.

“Good night, my angel.”

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Favored ones, Part 1. (Joel Miller x Fem!reader)

Description: When you spend every evening with someone who's deeply under your skin, a certain relationship can be developed. So it's crushing for Joel when Y/N suddenly disappears. But there's way more to the relationship that one would've guessed.

A/N: I love me a knife dad, sis.

A/N 2: This is just a chapter that will introduce you to the series and by the time, we will lay into deeper layers; as always, lmao. Also a subtle Far Cry 5 reference. Very subtle, you might not even catch it.

Warnings: Surviving the cordyceps apocalypse, enduring and surviving, an attack of some sort, will explain later.

Word count: 2.6 K

Tagging: @missdictatorme @xxgoldenhour @nemodoren

Also - if you would like to get tagged, don't be shy babe, just tell me.

If you like this story, please, more parts can be found here! :): H E R E

Around December 2038:

What was the worst part of the outbreak?

One would've thought it would be those who were infected by cordyceps. Some would answer that the worst thing which happened was the moment when the government broke completely down and when the society had crumbled to shit. Other people would tell you that the scariest thing for them to overcome was the cruelty of other people, them forming gangs, stealing from others, killing others to survive. Cannibalism, chaos.

But for one man it was the memories that took a hold on him. He was still scared of the nightmares that were crawling through his brain and subconsciousness. It was a dream that was playing in a fucking loop.

He saw his very own child, his little baby girl and angel shining through his darkness, his daughter Sarah being shot over and over and over again. It happened a thousand times till that very day and even if Joel found a way to endure and survive, he was still visiting the past in his mind.

It was over twenty-five years ago and yet he remembered every last detail of that night. Joel never felt such a painful loss in his entire life.

He found new people who he learned to love as the time passed, even if it wasn't exactly easiest to move on, he found new purposes and things he could do, but there was only one Sarah. No-one could replace her.

But to be fair, even if the twenty-five years of surviving took a hold on him, his physique and mental health, his experience was priceless. Nothing could be better than being taught by a professional.

So when he and Ellie settled down in Jackson County five years ago, he earned the people's trust when he decided to help them out with practical training. He was a master smuggler and survivor after all.

Sometimes, he got a bunch of kiddos in a class to teach them how to shoot with bow and gun in self-defense, other times they had a biology class and Joel taught them how to properly hunt an animal and how to cut its throat.

When Joel was in a really good mood, he was playing some old tunes on his guitar to them. But that happened truly rarely. Rather never than often.

As time passed, Joel could say who's in his group only to annoy him because he was such an old asshole and who is there to actually listen to what he was saying.

There were two small boys, twins, around the age of thirteen who loved fauna and flora. There was a sixteen-year-old girl who was willing to take guitar lessons. And then there was a girl, rather a woman, just a few years older than Ellie, who loved to learn how to shoot with a bow.

There was no other person so similar to Ellie, a girl who he practically adopted. That girl, her name was Y/N and she was born in Jackson County, was fiery and witty, quick with her responses and pretty tough cookie on the outside.

Even if Joel would not address the situation properly, the others began to notice - trips to the woods with Joel to hunt, practically everyday personal training from Joel to shoot with a bow. People began to spread the news quickly, it spread like a wildfire. The other day, there were jokes when you slowly approached your study session with the other ones from your town.

"Well if it ain't the miss I will get into your pants, huh?" - Jesse, your longtime friend joked while he prepared a saddle on his horse's back.

"Smelling nice, looking fucking fresh and I'm ready to take a hike." - You looked at your horse, a white one with one big black dot on near its left eye and you gave him a carrot so it could chew something. You called it Sadie and you knew that animal since you were a small kid. - "There was some hot water left yesterday around two a.m.. The best shower of the year."

"Hike on a horse?" - Dina, another of your friends, added and rose her eyebrows as she watched you. - "You still don't have a clue hikes work, do you?"

"Well, nobody said I'm the smartest, but in conclusion, fuck all of you." - You said with your head held high. Typical you - not having some valid arguments, so you cursed them out. - "Thanks for having a conversation with me, I very much appreciate it."

"Oh, snowy morning, three jackasses and some cursing in the air. I feel like I'm home." - The last member of your group joined. Ellie had her denim jacket with wool inside, her hair was in a bun and she looked like she hasn't slept an hour that night.

You whistled and sooner than you could stop yourself, your brain began to make connections and conclusions. Dina wasn't looking exactly fresh as well, so they have been together. Jesse was looking like a panther just ready to strike and kill his prey, so he and Dina had broken up once again.

Holy shit. If your calculations were right, it meant that...

"Don't tell me that you two are fucking." - You shouted with laughter, pointing at both of them. Ellie's eyes widened, Dina panicked and it all happened in the one exact same moment. - "Holy motherfucking shit, guys. I know that you're into licking holes, girls, but this was way sooner than we expected. You talked about it like... Yesterday. Nice. Good job!"

"Y/N, language." - You heard the voice of your mentor who you began to recognize amongst everyone else talking to you silently. It was Joel, looking like a bag of hot trash and smelling like local whiskey. - "We have children here. Alright?"

"I'm sorry. It just took me by a surprise. Not gonna happen again, I swear." - You looked down on your lumberjack shoes and smiled innocently.

It was hard to get under your skin - but Joel was deeply under it. He had grown to your brain over the last few months. It was one of the few adults you listened to willingly.

"Holy moly." - Jesse took advantage of that situation when Joel was out of the range to hear your bickering. - "Look how tamed she is for that old man. Never seen her like that. Wanna get a pat on the back of your head from Ellie's old man for being such a good girl?"

"Keep telling that to yourself, country boy." - You bickered back and hopped into the saddle, smoothing your horse's neckline. - "You never gonna get a single touch on all of this. This is VIP stuff." - You pointed at yourself and made your horse gallop to the gate.

The twins were sitting on one horse, ironically called the Rabbit, there was also a few other kids from the neighborhood. But today was different - while Joel took the other kids to teach them how to survive in the freezing cold temperatures while the trio will be guarding them against any wildlife or infected attack, you will hunt on your own.

The first time Joel had actually let that happen - you were out to near cities to find some things that may come handy in groups on daily, scheduled bases, but to hunt on your own in the toughest winter? Never happened to you before.

"So, just as we agreed?" - You looked down on Joel who's back were turn to you and smiled. You had a winter coat on, so your face with reddened cheeks and nose was barely visible. But even though, Joel came to your horse and caressed its side while looking you in the eyes.

"Yeah, just as we agreed. Stay in the area of the mapped roads and be back on time. No unexpected things today, I beg you." - Joel spoke silently, which made you smile wider.

"How many times we've been into the woods, big guy? I know those places like the back of my hand. I will be okay and I will behave well, I promise." - You winked at him and when nobody was paying attention, the tips of your fingers subtly brushed against his hand. It was just a second, small moment, almost invisible to most of the people around you.

You secretly lived for that - the big secret you held, the anticipation about what will happen when you'll be at home that night tickling every nerve in your body, the danger of anybody finding out. 

But you just looked in front of your horse as Joel stepped further away.

"I would say you behave. Safety first. You see something you can't shoot with a bow or kill with a knife, you run. Won't you be cold out there?" - Joel caught your stare one last time and you laughed a little. You were cold as shit even now, but because of your pride and anticipation, you would not say it out loud.

"Wouldn't you wanna know, old man?" - Then you rose up the sleeve to show him your watch. - "Got my timer set and bow steady, time to go. See you somewhere around Whitetail, Joel."

And with that, you rode out of the city's gates, slowly and steady through the pretty deep snow. And so, it was happening - your first-time real hunting session. Without Ellie, Jesse, Dina, the elders or Joel. Only you and the forest.

---

You could feel that you're one with nature around you. The snow was cracking under your weight as you slowly walked from tree to tree. Your body felt tensed up and the tips of the fingers tapped and brushed the bow and arrow in your hands.

At those moments, the world felt quiet and peaceful. Only the innocent white color was surrounding you, sometimes disrupted with brown or green, those were the trees. A few brackens were moving silently as the snow was falling on it.

You stepped forward again and looked around you, slowly exhaling out. You didn't want the mist out of your lips to cover your surroundings so you learned how to breathe slowly. That was of the things that Joel was teaching you since spring.

There were no misty breaths in March or April, but it definitely occurred in November and December. You needed to be careful with breathing. And shaky, cold fingers - that was when you needed gloves with cut off fingertips, so you could use at least the big portion of your fingers.

Just like that, you caught a glimpse of a rabbit running two to three feet away from you, not minding you at all. You dropped lower on your knees and you felt as the snow slowly froze them down. Your eyes carefully watched the movements of the rabbit.

If you get really lucky, you might even find it's lair. Ah shit, three to six rabbits on your first hunt? That would be a fucking jackpot. And you would prove yourself in Joel's eyes. So you decided to follow that small, furry animal with small steps and subtle movements.

You didn't even make rushed motions with your feet to keep the quietest you were capable of. But the rabbit only seemed to be running around and gathering some old, yellow grass. But then it got into a fast pace, but you knew that nothing is lost.

Just follow its footprints. That was actually the easiest technique when you hunt, Joel repeated countless times.

The following of the rabbit's trail took you almost half an hour before you stood in front of its lair.

Holy motherfucking shit. You actually made it. A lair of rabbits just in front of you. You heard them inside of it, moving and crawling, sniffing and making slow subtle movements. Just as you were taught to do it - stick your hands inside the lair and caught one of these little fuck's ears and drag them out and slice them.

But stand in front of the hole they could escape with. They would be too afraid to come out of it. Just like that, you had four dead rabbits in your hand. You walked with them to Sadie, smiling wickedly. Four fucking rabbits. Who would have thought?

But when you were too occupied with pinning the rabbits into the horse's back, you caught a glimpse of something interesting behind it. You saw a human being, probably a man, walking behind the tree.

"Hey, are you from Jackson County?" - You asked in a sharp voice. If it would've been someone you knew, they wouldn't be creeping up behind your back like that. So you controlled the knife you had behind your belt and furrowed your look in the direction where you saw them for the last time.

There were a lot of trees there, so you could probably catch some glimpses, but nothing was for sure. So you prepared your bow in the case of need. It wasn't Runners or Clickers, they even bother to sneak around. They would've attack immediately. The forest was unusually unsettling and quiet.

"Why don't you just come here and talk to me?" - You asked unsurely again. You played with the bow and looked around. - "Can you stop fucking with me and just come out?"

When you were almost about to snap, you froze when your ears caught another sound coming from behind your back. This was a fucking trap. And you caught the bait perfectly. You were so dumb.

Immediately, you jumped on Sadie's back and made her turn around so you could go back on the road as soon as possible.

But such terrible things can happen in a few seconds. Before you could even breath out, you felt as Sadie's legs lost the balance and as the horse crumbled down. Your legs fell from the saddle and the animal's body fell on yours for a second, but you couldn't breathe nonetheless. Both of you were falling from a hill - and it was a pretty bad fall.

When you laid in the ice-cold snow and tried to catch a breath, you realized your leg hurts too much. It was an immersive pain that made you scream out loud. It was broken.

And the guys who've been hunting you down were just slicing Sadie's throat.

---

"It's late. She should've been here an hour ago." - Jesse said to Deena. They've separated - Joel took he kids back inside and Ellie went to search for you in the area you talked about with Joel. Jesse and Deena stayed at Whitetail to wait if you don't come there.

"Come on. You know her. Maybe she found some good hunting spot?" - Dina said with a smile. Yeah. That was all you. Just to forget about time. There was probably nothing wrong with you. - "I bet she's just fine."

Just as she said that Jesse saw a glimpse of Ellie in the background. She was running as fast as she could and she was clearly scared for her dear life.

"I-I found Sadie, her horse." - Ellie stuttered, looking at both of them.

"Why didn't you bring him back? We could look into her logbook." - Jesse answered and Dina shook her head. - "She only wrote notes to her logbook when she was back in the town. She did write only when she was scheduled to go out. It wouldn't help at all."

"Dead. That horse is dead with an arrow in its knee and sliced throat. I do have any idea where she is." - And with that, they knew that they have to search for you immediately.

[jaqdawks]

added a short story bellow :)

content warnings: alcohol and implied nsfw acts, also mention of death.

—————————————

Nickolai awoke in someone else’s bed with a splitting hangover. He sat up and looked around the unfamiliar room. He checked if it was possibly Alcor’s, until he realized he didn’t know what Alcor’s bedroom looked like at all. He also didn’t know what most of Alcor’s flat looked like; he’d only ever been as far in as a single hallway.

For a few minutes, Nickolai fought the hangover to remember who he was with and what identity he’d assumed. All he could remember was Noah. He had a fake ID that said Noah, and his false identity as a Noah was a man who fixed computers. Noah was a common name though, and he couldn’t remember who the Noah here was.

He didn’t think about it much longer before he succumbed to the hangover and flopped back onto the bed—which Nickolai was alone in. The disturbed sheets on the spot next to him hinted to someone else having been in it earlier.

The door began to creak open, and Nickolai shut his eyes.

“Hey, it’s almost noon. I don’t want to be rude but you need to wake up,” sounded an unfamiliar voice.

Nickolai grumbled a little. He looked at the stranger, who had soft green eyes and curly red hair. He didn’t look untrustworthy, to Nickolai’s relief. Then again, Nickolai didn’t look untrustworthy either on a normal day.

“I have Advil if you need something for a hangover,” the stranger offered.

Nickolai sat up again, for real now. “Sorry, what’s your name?”

The stranger laughed. “I’m Joel. Were you too hammered to remember my name?”

Nickolai shook his head.

The stranger seemed concerned. “How much do you remember then?”

“I don’t know, I remember thinking I should get mad drunk in public instead of passing out on my couch. After that it’s just fuzzy.” Nickolai assumed he told Joel that his name was Noah.

Joel looked a little perturbed in an endearing way. “Ah, well, do you want me to fill the gaps or. . ?”

“Can I get some Advil first?”

“Yeah. I’ll go get some water for you to swallow it with,” Joel complied. “You should get dressed.”

Nickolai waited for Joel to leave before getting out of bed and tracking down all his clothes, which were strewn about the room. His shirt smelled like liquor to the point that Nickolai thought he might gag. However, he didn’t have any spare clothes and decided to just put up with it.

Joel was back a few minutes after Nickolai got dressed. It was clear he was trying to ignore the smell, but after Nickolai took the Advil, Joel asked if he needed to borrow something that didn’t smell so rancid. Nickolai obliged and was relieved to be able to rid the putrid button-down.

“Okay, so the parts you don’t remember,” Joel began. “I can’t say I remember it too well either, but I think I have a decent memory with these things.”

Nickolai nodded. “Go on.”

“So,” Joel continued. “It began when I think I saw the bartender cut you off on drinks, and I felt kind of bad about that. So I thought, hey, company’s much better than drinks, even though I was also drinking, like a lot. And I guess at some point we kinda started flirting, and I was like ‘should we take this back to your place?’ and you began to freak out. I think you said you have a dog that bites people or something? Is that true?”

“Nope.”

“Okay. Well anyways, you did not seem to be very happy with the idea of taking anyone to your place, so I took you to mine. And you can probably guess the rest, considering you woke up naked in my bed.”

Nickolai silently acknowledged the implications in his head. This wasn’t how he planned to start his weekend, but he could roll with it. “Yeah. Sorry for sleeping until noon, by the way. I’m not at all a morning person.”

Joel smiled with amusement. “How do you pull that off? I can’t even sleep past nine on a good day.”

“Sadness.”

Joel’s face went blank with a bit of underlying surprise at Nickolai’s off hand answer. “Oh. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, no harm no foul.” Nickolai was vehemently aware that he may have used that saying incorrectly.

Joel veered the conversation away from the topic. “How does your head feel?”

“A little better.”

Joel was oddly kind. Nickolai wasn’t used to receiving this hospitality from strangers like him, but that probably had more to do with who Nickolai associated himself with and not people in general. Nickolai decided he liked Joel, even if he barely knew him.

“I would offer you some breakfast, but. . . it’s almost one in the afternoon. You’re probably hungry though, right?”

“Oh, you don’t have to.” Nickolai attempted to smile back at Joel but he was too tired to count off what would make it look genuine. Regardless, Joel didn’t seem to notice.

“I’m gonna do it anyway,” Joel decided. “Any allergies?”

“Strawberries.”

“Oh! That’s a rare one.”

Nickolai shrugged. “I seem to cash in on the rare things a lot. Albinism, an extra rib, and the strawberry allergy.”

“Casinos must hate you if you’re that lucky.”

Nickolai let out a genuine laugh. He decided he definitely liked Joel. He also felt a tinge of astonishment that someone like Joel casually hooked up with him, or generally anyone. He seemed like too much of an angel to even drink.

Nickolai followed Joel out of his room. Joel’s place was considerably nice, to the point Nickolai was in a bit of disbelief. He couldn’t have wound up in an upper class area if he had started last night at a shoddy bar, right? Joel didn’t act like he was rich, he didn’t seem like it either. But this place completely contrasted whatever Joel was like. Even Joel’s cat, a rather well groomed Norwegian forest cat—which was massive and somewhat intimidating—seemed to completely outclass Nickolai.

“Do you live here by yourself?” Nickolai asked as he surveyed the expensive wallpaper lining the kitchen walls.

“Nah, I have a housemate named Anwyll. He’s visiting family right now though.”

Nickolai froze. “Anwyll. . . As in Anwyll Tait?”

“That’s the one!”

Nickolai suddenly felt sick. “Oh fuck.”

“Is something wrong?”

Nickolai retched. Had his stomach not been empty, he had no doubt he would have thrown up all over the nice counter top.

Joel dropped what he was doing and crossed the room to Nickolai. “Are you okay?” He was suddenly at Nickolai’s side with his hand placed gently on Nickolai’s back.

Nickolai’s head spun. He knew he couldn’t tell Joel that Anwyll Tait took his brother’s life in the deathmatches. If he did, Joel would have a catalogue of every possible person Nickolai could truly be, and it would clearly point to Yuskol Voskoboinikov.

Nickolai ran through every excuse he could think up. He could say he hated the rich, but that could offend Joel. He could say the deathmatches made him sick, but Joel was obviously linked to them somehow if he was in league with a Tait. Joel felt like dangerous company, a double edged sword.

“Noah?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Nickolai croaked. “I think it’s just the hangover. I haven’t eaten since yesterday, so I guess I don’t have anything to throw up.”

That was the safest excuse.

Joel looked at Nickolai with pity. “Do you think you can eat right now?”

“Yeah.”

Nickolai felt somewhat content that he had definite confirmation that he had told Joel his name was Noah last night. The slight accent in his voice may throw off the authenticity in his identity as Noah Martin, but it wasn’t consistent enough to jeopardize him.

At the same time, the fact that he slept with someone of such high class alarmed him. Most public record photos of Nickolai Voskoboinikov’s face was outdated or somewhat photoshopped, but a Tait might be able to figure him out if they surveyed him for long enough.

“So, what’s your housemate like?” Nickolai asked. He tried to keep the nervousness from spreading to his voice.

“Anwyll can be such a jerk sometimes, but he’s also sorta nice. I’ve known him since I was little,” Joel said. “He doesn’t like new people that much, but I think he’d like you.”

“Dunno. I can be very unlikeable when I’m on my medication.” Nickolai knew with certainty that Anwyll would hate him no matter what. “Also I’m. . . lower class.” Nickolai also knew that Anwyll was a classist asshole.

“Lower class? That doesn’t matter,” Joel piped up. “The whole class thing is kind of stupid. I think the way it’s set up is interesting, but it won’t stop me from having friends from all kinds of walks of life.”

“I. . . yeah. I guess so,” Nickolai mumbled. He doubted Joel would be this positive if he knew of Nickolai’s illegal trades ties, the upper class notoriously hated brokers like him. They also especially hated him in particular.

Being there felt like the most dangerous stunt Nickolai had pulled, and he hadn’t even done it on purpose.

Joel set a ridiculously fancy, yet somehow definitely homemade, grilled cheese sandwich on a plate in front of him.

“Wow,” Nickolai mused. For a moment he wasn’t sure what to say. “This looks like something an expensive ass chef would make.”

“Thanks! I went to the top culinary school in the city, my parents say it was a waste of time.”

“Fuck what your parents say,” Nickolai replied before he took a bite. The sandwich tasted unreal. The last time he had food as good as this was when he posed as an intern for one of the deathmatch organizers.

“I’m glad you like it,” Joel smiled. Nickolai felt unease crawl back into his chest. Joel seemed so genuinely friendly, though a nagging suspicion told Nickolai it could be a lie. Nickolai couldn’t take a risk by being near him for much longer. At the same time, however, he felt captivated. Joel had that charisma that so many of the notorious upper class families seemed to unanimously mirror. He was a golden face among a sea of golden faces, all rotten under their skin. Nickolai knew what they were like.

Even then, Joel seemed to care a lot more than most would let on.

Nickolai took a deep breath. “I have to go home, sorry. I left my meds there, and I probably have people flooding my inbox about work and all that bullshit.”

“That’s alright. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your job?”

“I fix computers,” Nickolai lied. That was Noah’s persona, and a story that should hold up if Joel decided to try and look in to it.

To be polite, he exchanged phone numbers. Nickolai only had his burner phone on him, which was a relief. The calls and texts that flooded Nickolai’s personal phone daily would have definitely been suspicious.

Nickolai liked Joel, but he knew he wouldn’t call him. Nickolai had a hunch that Joel may not be the worst of his kind, but he knew he wouldn’t text him back. It felt harsh to shut Joel out like this, but Nickolai wasn’t going to risk identification simply because he had a good encounter. They waved goodbye, and Joel’s cheery expression was a reminder that Nickolai would have to be silently cruel.

Nickolai didn’t call for a cab, he walked until his hangover began to bother him again. Then he called Alcor—Alcor didn’t have Nickolai’s burner phone address, but he was a safer bet than any cabs in this place.

The phone rang for a while before Alcor picked up.

“Who’s this?”

Nickolai felt relief wash over him to hear a familiar voice. “It’s Nick. Can you come pick me up?”

Alcor’s words were laced with suspicion as he spoke over the phone. “. . . Sure. Where are you?”

Nickolai looked at the street sign. Of course he had to stop on Ivory Street—the richest and most notorious, and also the one Nickolai hated the most for almost no real reason. With a sigh, he said, “Ivory Street.”

“How the fuck did you get there?”

“Drunkenly and against my conscious knowing.”

“Is this going to be dangerous?”

Nickolai groaned. “Not as dangerous as standing in the house that belongs to the man who killed my brother. Now get over here, I don’t think it’d be safe to use public transport in this area.”

There was a silence on the other end, then Alcor replied, “I’m on my way.”

[naptoons]

Triggered-Joel Pimentel

warnings: Sexual Content, Cheating,Mild Language, Alcohol reference.

Theme: Angst

A/N: this is a part two of story of us , this is requested by @cncogirl18 ! i hope it’s great and it meets your request!. Read the first part here!

joel and i have been getting more and more distant for the past 2 years. sometimes i blame it all on tour, sometimes i blame it all on maybe he’s cheating. maybe hes fallen out of love with me. but to be honest i blame it all on me. i pushed him away because im not ready for the limelight. im not ready for the flashing cameras and gosspi pages. most dont even know what i look like, they just thought i was a fanpage commenting under his posts all the time. some he didnt respond to so it didnt look so obvious.it’s been on my mind all day, even my friends noticed it, urging me to go home and talk to him about it. but i cant. maybe  cant because im afraid of the answer.

 leaning back in my chair picking at the peeling skin on my thumbs. debating going to joel’s apartment or heading to the party richard invited me to for his daughter. i might as well go home first, maybe get a nap. getting up from the chair, i grab my keys to his aprtment, heading for the door.

arriving at his apartment i walk in the house,hearing the noise of heavy breathing and muffled moans. the grunts that only i would know. but apprantly im not the only one whom knows it. biting the bullet of crying, i walk towards the living room dropping the keys in the bowl. after today i dont think i wanna come back. walking past the room to the bathroom i hear the voice of someone farmilar.

“i told you, you never loved her, you’d come back to me papi” emlila swoons him in, joel sighs with his feet shuffling against the carpet “why cant you admit it?!” she yells at him “she is nobody anyways why do you care so much?” feeling anger in my broken heart i swing the door open, gritting my teeth against my jawline, the atomsphere turning colder than stone.

“yeah joel, im fucking nobody” i choke through my clogged airways

“baby-” cutting him off i smack his hand away from my frame, i grab my back packing all of things “bre listen it didnt mean anything!” his voice breaking and pleading to get my attention, joel grabs my arm but i push him back making him hit the edge of the dresser groaning in immersed pain. but i feel no remorse.

“if it meant nothing why the fuck did you do it?!” i yell through the tears, i tried to be strong. to not cry in front of him. he didnt deserve my tears, he didnt deserve anything from me at this moment. “get the fuck away from me joel, i never want to see your fucking face ever again” grabbing my packed bag i place it on my shoulders before stepping out the room, i look back at emailia to see her smiling.

“you think you have everything right now, but if he did this to me, what makes you think he wont do it to you?” i pour my venom on her, her smile slowly falling flat and changing into anger “misery loves company, i hope you guys are miserable together karma is a bitch” with my words i feel my shoulders become lighter, running downstairs i hear joel yelling my name behind me, getting to the front door i slam it behind me getting in my car.

“what a fucking fool i am” i breathe out “thinking we could ever be something, neither of us was ready” i grab my phone calling lunay as i back out of his driveway, the tears begin to roll down my cheeks clouding my vision all i can see if dots of red and white lights.

“hola mami” lunay’s voice hones in on my ears. insatly my voice cracks trying to keep it together, i just break down and cry gripping the steering wheel as my knuckles drain the blood from them. “hey bre are you okay? where are you?”

wiping my face i inhale heavily “joel cheated on me” i let out “can i come over?” i ask, before hearing the answer all that fills my ears is the skid of tires on the road, and the reverb of a collision. The vision I once had colored like a void.

Pitch dark.

Opening my eyes to the angelic light, I groan as it burns my cornea, covering them with my fingers I sigh heavily. “Welp I guess that’s a sign to use night mode” I let out, slowly regaining my eyesight looking over at a puzzled wreck of a cousin. Smiling slightly I reach for his hand “hey, what’s got you so tangled up Charlotte?”

“You’ve been unconscious for three weeks, that’s what, and get a better joke that was corny” Christopher smiled slightly at the end, but I could tell that smile was fake. “And I’m wondering should I kill someone” his voice taking the form of malice.

“If you were to do that you couldn’t see your precious cousin” I smile followed by his scoff “wouldn’t say precious” he insults me. Lunay walls into the room sighing of relief “wow, did y’all really think I was going to die?” I laugh “y’all had no hope for me huh? What a sha...” getting my sentence cut off by his hug around my neck, I smile softly my fingers rubbing his back. “Hey you” I let out. He must’ve been so worried.

Lunay has been taking care of me for a whole month. I had to go to recovery, I lost a little bit of feeling in my legs so I started walking little by little, they also recalled my brain is a little fuzzy prior three minutes before the crash. Sadly it didn’t make me forget I got Joel cheating on me. With the girl who tried to break us up even before a label. I guess she got what she wanted. I haven’t seen or heard from Joel since that day. Part of me wants to reach out. But another part says “fuck him he pushed you away” tapping on the bow empty cereal bowl I hear the chunks of shoes hitting the floor.

“Aye mami, you okay?” Lunay rubs my shoulders, moaning at the tension in my body I nod my head slightly “are you sure? I’m here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on”

“Hm no I’m tired of crying, I’m moving on now”

“Aye nena! That’s right, you can do better” he encourages me. Lunay was throwing a party at his house tonight for a celebration on winning an award. I joined in even though Lunay told me I didn’t have to I just couldn’t be soaking in my sadness. It’s not going to fix anything so what’s the point of moping? Grabbing the drink on the counter I gulp it in one shot feeling it burn down my throat rapidly. Every cnco member was here but Joel. Made me wonder is he trying to avoid me? Why should he? He cheated on me he shouldn’t have any shame he knew what he got himself into. He shouldn’t have any shame it’s what he wanted anyways.

Drinking down another shot Richard furrows his eyes at me smiling I wave at him “what’s up Richard? You scared to drink?” I ask him

“Scared of you drinking, I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to be drinking nena” his lips fall in a flat line leaning against the counter, grabbing the bottle of liquor I grab my red solo cup this time.

“I think I’m just fine, I can’t sit around here and fucking waste my time in being sad, it’s been a whole month Richard, im fine” I crack open the cranberry juice to fuse with the liquor. “So stop worrying about me okay?”

“I’m worried about the both of y’all, hoping neither of you collapse first” Richard mumbles while walking away, I wanna ask him what that was about but I’m stopped by Lunay. With the biggest smile on his face.

“Hey? You good having fun?”

“Never better! Let’s dance” grabbing his hand with my left I sip with my right, everyone was bumping and grinding on their designated partner. Everyone here was having a great time. No one had a mask on themselves. Drinking, smoking falling in love in his backyard. Five cups down and the world was spinning. Taking off shoes and dancing on tables. I was dancing it away.

The pain away. Fuck it still hurt.

But there’s always three sides to a story.

His. Mine. And the side neither of us talked about.

Giggling on the couch I lay my head on christopers shoulder “hey cousin how are you?” I slur followed by a hiccup “I haven’t seen you since the hospital what are you up to these days?” My face felt hot and was probably showing hues of red. Maybe even pink.

“Babysitting two broken people is what” Christopher groans, he was rarely serious so this caught me off guard. Being to drunk to even ask I hug him.

“Aye, there’s no use in worrying, you gotta have a hurricane before the rainbow, I’ll be okay I promise”

“I hope so, we don’t want any more collateral damage” he hums in my ear.

The party was over and I watched as the few people that stayed over, Lunay was cleaning up trash until he saw me laying in the couch. “Mami, go to bed, or would you like me to drive you home?”

“Id rather not be alone” I mumble, almost throaty, suppressing the cries I want to let out. I can’t I’m done crying. I’ve been doing it for a whole month.

“Hey” he bends down to my level, running the pads of his thumb on my cheek “you’re never alone I promise” his eyes twinkled in love, I’m feeling the same way I did towards Joel. How can this be true? Have I moved on that quick?

Richard went back to Joel’s apartment, just as he was about to knock on the door, emailia opens it, her face showing signs of panic. “Wheres joel?” She asks

“And you think I would tell you? Plus that’s why I’m here to see was he here” Richard smugly answers

“So wait, hes not with you?” emailia asks

“Nope” Richard grabs his phone dialing his number, but to his demise it goes straight to the voicemail. Richard mumbling a soft curse word under his breath. “His phone is off”

“Oh my god fuck” she paces while chewing on her thumb, Richard looks at her with no sympathy but he just knew his mind had to ask.

“So what lie did you tell him hm?” emailia turns around on her heels looking back at him dumbfounded

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me I didn’t stutter, Joel is completely and utterly in love with bre, what did you say?!” Richard snaps are her, feeling Christopher pull him back slightly, “rich calm down”

“I didn’t tell him anything! He told me he felt bre was fading from him, and the more he tried the more she pulled, all I said was maybe she found someone else”

“Then took his sadness as your advantage to comfort him” Richard spits, walking away slowly

“You know damn well I love him!”

“If you did he wouldn’t be in this situation” Richard mumbles before getting in the car. “So? How are we going to find Joel?”

“We can’t, he’s been so secretive lately. Who knows where he is, the only thing I can think of is just wait for band practice or for him to come home” Richard sighs heavily “this is a fucking hurricane”

The bright sun beams on my eyelashes, squirming I feel a arm wrapped around my waist and the feeling of a chin in my shoulder. Slowly lifting the covers I gaze upon our naked bodies entwined together. Sighing and softly cursing to myself I sink my head deeper in the pillow.

Lunay and I hooked up.

Drunk hookup.

Slowly getting up from the bed I grab my clothes putting them on one by one. Until a hear a husky groan “good morning” he mumbles, my luck. Smiling I make it back to the bed sitting in front of him.

“Good morning” I whisper back

“How you feeling?” He asks

Embrassed.regretful.sad.

“Good, I had a good sleep”

“I imagine so” he jokes, getting up from the bed slowly “look bre, I don’t wanna be your rebound, I know this is the worst timing but, I’ve had a crush on you for the longest, and seeing how broken you are hurts me” freezing at his sudden words I looking down at the my tangled up fingers, “I want you to find what you mean to yourself, I want you to fix yourself, even if that means talking to him again”

“Lunay, I can’t even look him in the eyes and not want to cry”

“So? Isn’t better than wondering and drinking alcohol, not to mention losing your mind not knowing what to do” Lunay grabs my hand kissing my knuckles softly “bre, you deserve love okay? Don’t think that there won’t be someone out there for you”

Nodding my head I decided to face him head on. To talk about the problems I’ve never discussed.

Arriving at Joel’s apartment my stomach drops in depths. Never thought I’d come back here. Having ptsd just by looking at the snowflake walls, the way his plants on his patio are slowly decaying. He really isn’t doing to well just like me. Why is this so hard on him? I’m the one that should be triggered.

Knocking on the door I wait for his answer, the door swings open, smelling like a strand of weed. “Richard I told you-” his sentence is cut off by the sight of my eyes glued in his. “What are you doing here?”

“To talk” I answer

“What is there to talk about, I made you look stupid” Joel sighs

“yeah you’re fucking right you made me look like a fool, but I can’t blame you, maybe I pushed you towards that resort, not saying what you did was okay, but maybe the way I treated you inflicted this” I sigh leaning against the wall “can I come in?”

Joel opens the door for me to come in, closing the door behind me I see the mess his living room is in, I see the empty beer bottles and burned out half blunts. The edibles wrappers over the floor. Looking back at joel I see his hand is wrapped in a gauze. What has he been going through? I grab a bag as I start picking up his trash, “no it’s okay I’ll clean it up” Joel suggests but I grab his hand leading him to the couch.

“Let me help you, let someone help you okay? We gotta stop shoving people out” I stammer through my tears. Finish with cleaning up the mess, Joel and I sit on opposite sides of the couch.

“I’ve had two boyfriends in my lifetime, and when it got past two years, shit just started going downhill, one was abusive and one was a pathological liar and a drug addict” I start off, Joel’s eye filling to the brim with water, with just one touch they would pour down his lips. “It’s tiring opening and closing parts of me just to repeat the cycle, and when you cheated on me, I just saw you as the rest, I yelled at you and blamed you, I claimed you ruined everything, I wanted to fight you guys both, knowing she’d probably sue me or charged me with battery”

“In that heat of the moment I was willing to catch a case for it, cause you know me, when I get mad I get big mad, weeks after my accident I was going to call you, maybe even text you but I couldn’t, when I typed on the bubble I Tried my hardest not to disrespect you After what you did, man, what you expected?” My eyes looking at the tearful golden boy, his cheeks and nose were pink, so was his ears, glistening cheeks swelling up at the minute.

“I felt so Triggered, when I hear your name but also I was Triggered, because I am not okay, I was getting drunk partying hooking up with people all because I still missed you, Of our memories All you meant to meAll that history All that's history” my fingers trembling to grab his hand, caressing my thumb over his.

“But ain't no me and you without you in it, so I just wanna say I’m sorry, I pushed you away and made you feel like I didn’t love you, because I now know I do, I really do love you joel” the tears now falling out of his eyes, mirroring mine in the same gesture.

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve never talked to her about our problems, I should���ve came to you, but it isn’t your fault, I was the one who decided to have sex with her in our bed, no matter what I should’ve came and talked to you” Gravelly his voice echos the room, pulling him towards me, I wrap my arms around his head, letting him sob into my hoodie. As I begin to cry along with him.

“We’re both you blame, all we needed was to communicate” my wobbly voice whispers on his ear. “I accept your apology Joel, just promise we won’t run away from each other” feeling his body stop shuttering his head pulls out hovering over me.

“Yeah, I won’t run unless you promise to not run, and let’s better ourselves” Joel sniffs

“I’m not going anywhere, maybe someday we’d could be something more than friends again, you have my heart joel. We just need to fix ourselves before becoming one, but I don’t mind taking it slow with you”

“No labels? Just chilling?”

“Yeah” I smile caressing his face “slow burns”

“Slow burns”

[seasickbaby]

Only You

Pairing: Christopher x reader

Prompt: Only You by Yoandri // Escape with me babe, we can run away. Explore our love your deepest fantasies...”

Warning: drinking, fluff, some angst?, really bad writing

Word Count: umm... 4k I'm sorry I got really carried away

A/N: hello my loves. I'm back with another semi decent fic for the beautiful @girlbabyvelez ‘s challenge. Congrats baby you deserve it and many more. Love you tonsss. Big thanks to Lauren. Just thank you. Also, theres a part in here where fans are kinda annoying but I'm in no way saying that cncowenrs are like that, it was just for story purposes. Enjoy :) <3

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His beauty captured your eye instantly.

He was tall and handsome, with brunette hair that poked out from underneath a black beanie, giving him a somewhat dark and mysterious look.

He sat at a table in the corner with a couple other guys. They were all laughing and goofing around, but something about his laugh made everyone else’s seem muffled; it was music to your ears. It was a loud, contagious laugh with a smile so wide and bright that it could light up a whole city.

You weren’t aware of the fact that you had been staring, and you darted your eyes as soon as his met yours, another angelic smile creeping up on his lips.

You pushed him out of your mind as you finished your song, the small bar at which you worked applauded. One table was particularly louder -- the boys you had seen a couple minutes earlier were all whistling and clapping. You smiled in their direction and his eyes met yours, sending a wink your way. Your cheeks turned a rosy red color before you grabbed the microphone again.

“This next song my mom used to sing to me when I was a little girl and I loved it, I hope you will love it too.”

You took a deep breath before beginning the first few notes of viveme by Laura Pausini. You closed your eyes, letting yourself feel the music completely; it took over you as you stood up from your stool and began walking around the small bar.

--------------------

“Bro didn’t you sing this song in La Banda??” Richard whispered to Christopher.

A soft ‘yea’ was all Christopher could manage out as he watched you with fascination. The way you connected with the audience, how you projected your passion for music, the way the lights hit your features at the perfect angles, your angelic voice: it all made Chris stare in awe.

“I’ll be back”

“Chris where are you-” Richard sighed and took a sip of his Pilsner “He is who he is.”

----------------------

Your grip on the microphone tightened and your eyes flew shut as you got ready to sing the chorus, but they quickly opened again as you heard another voice joined yours in unison. You looked around in confusion until you saw him.

He stood by the counter with a microphone in hand singing a verse of the song. Think Alejandro Sanz version. He smiled and began to walk towards the stage when he saw you look.

When did this turn into some high school musical shit?

Christopher hopped onto the stage, never breaking eye contact with you. His friends exploded into a roar of cheers when he grabbed your hand and spun you around.

As soon as his skin touched yours a wave of different sensations flowed through your body, making your breath hitch and heart flutter. It was a feeling you had never experienced before and you craved more.

You smirked at him and went along with the act, bringing his arms around you and swaying before breaking free and walking to the other side of the stage.

Christopher’s expression turned to one of shock and admiration as he watched you.

The rest of the song was performed with improvised choreography from you two, but as far as anyone was concerned, it looked practiced and planned.

He pulled you close to his chest and the song came to an end. You were both breathing heavily as the bar erupted in cheers.

“I’m Chris.” He smiled down at you

“Y/n.”

“Mi gente, a round of applause for y/n” He yelled into the microphone. You laughed as he raised your hand above your head as if you were a victorious boxer

You thanked everyone for listening and wished them a goodnight before hopping off the stage with Christopher at your heels.

“Wait, princesa.” He jogged to cut in front of you, lightly grabbing your shoulders.

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“And why should I let you do that?” You crossed your arms smiling.

“Because… I’m a nice guy?” He said with a laugh, “Plus, you think I’m cute.”

His comment took you by surprise. You opened your mouth to protest but just let out a dry chuckle, “Alright casanova.”

“But first, I want you to meet my friends. You know, just so they can tell you how great I am and all that.” He joked with a wink.

You just rolled your eyes playfully. You couldn’t help but feel butterflies in your stomach as you approached the boys, your right hand fidgeting with your bracelet. Secretly hoping that they would like you.

Why am I nervous? I don’t even know the guy.

“Chicos, les presentó a y/n.” Chris introduced you, placing his right hand on your lower back, giving you a small sense of security.

They all immediately stood up to greet you properly with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” you said with a laugh after hugging the last one. You heard a quiet ‘oh my gosh she’s so pretty’ from your far left and when you turned your eyes caught the pretty olive skinned boy with the curly hair. You sent a sweet smile Joel’s way as he sheepishly looked at the ground smiling.  

“So like I know we just met, but you real cute… and I just had to tell you, you know?” Richard said with a smile while scratching the back of his neck.

“And that performance!! Tienes mucho talento.” Zabdiel added with excitement.

“Mucho mas talentosa que Chris…” Erick joked underneath his breath with a cough.

“I’m sorry what was that?” Chris squinted his eyes.

“It’s true though! Y/N killed it out there, made you look like a drunk dad doing karaoke.” Joel elbowed chris with a chuckle.

Chris scoffed and slapped a hand over his heart, pretending to be hurt, but he couldn’t help from laughing, which made everyone else join in with laughter too.

“I’m sorry Chris but you’re just gonna have to admit that I’m a better singer than you.” You shrugged your shoulders playfully. “With a face like that, it would be unfair if you had it all.”

The words flew out of your mouth without a second thought but you instantly regretted them. The guys immediately went crazy with ‘oooo’s and ‘aye‘s and Chris’ smirk grew even wider.

“See, I was right.”

You spent the rest of the night talking and drinking with the boys. You quickly learned that they were some of the chillest people you had ever met and you found yourself dreading the night’s end. You looked at the time and was shocked at how long you had been hanging out with them.

“Bueno chicos, it’s been fun but it’s getting late and I have to head home.” You said while standing up from the table and putting your jacket on.

Chris stood up right after you and quickly offered to walk you home.

The boys gave each other a knowingly look. When Christopher took a girl home, or back to his hotel room, he usually ended up sleeping with her. And after that one night the girl would be long forgotten. They were a little bummed considering how well they had clicked with you.

“What! Why are you leaving so early??” Erick pouted and you laughed his attempt at puppy dog eyes.

“Erick, baby, it’s 2 am and look, Zabdiel is already asleep.” You commented as you cupped his chin with your hand. Everyone turned to look at Zabdiel who had his beanie pulled down over his eyes, arms crossed over his chest, and mouth agape, snoring deep in sleep -- a sight that made them burst into laughter.

“But you have to promise to have another night out with us sometime this week okay?” Joel pointed a finger at you before pulling you into a tight hug.

After finally saying your last goodbye to the boys you walked out of the bar with Chris’ arm around your shoulder. The walk to your apartment was around 15 minutes but with Chris, time seemed to fly by.

His goofy personality kept you constantly laughing; never having a dull moment with him. He even offered to give you a piggyback ride but it only lasted a solid minute before he tripped and made you both plummet to the ground.

“You’re such an idiot!” You managed to get out between laughs.

“Ay mi rodilla, me lastime. Kiss it.” He whined in a baby voice.

“You fucking baby.” You rolled your eyes as you gave in and kissed his knee.

Once you got to your building you swiped your card and greeted the security guard at the front. You hesitated at the door of your apartment before unlocking it; you wanted to spend more time with Chris but you didn’t want it to be a one night stand. You really liked him and didn’t want to mess anything up. Finally gathering up enough courage, you turned to him and asked if he would like to come in. You let go of a breath you hadn’t noticed you’d been holding when a grin spread across his face and he nodded.

You opened the door of your small but cozy apartment, letting Chris in first.

“Wow this place is beautiful… and that view!”  His eyes lit up as he ran towards the window. “You didn’t tell me you lived by the beach.”

You giggled as you tossed your keys on the counter and walked up next to him, opening the sliding door that led into the balcony.

“I know, I’m very lucky.” You said, looking over at Chris, the view not being the only thing you were referring to. “Be right back.”

You went back inside only to come out a couple minutes later with a bottle of wine and two glasses, wiggling your eyebrows at him.

“We’re gonna keep drinking?” He chuckled.

“We’re just making a toast.”

“To what?

“A new friendship.” You softly responded, raising your glass.

“Cheers to that.” He smiled back at you and clinked your glasses together.

After deciding that you didn’t want the night to end, you and Chris laid on the balcony, stargazing and listening to the ocean. Talking to Chris was so easy -- he made you feel safe and comfortable. The conversation jumped from topic to topic as you learned more about one another. Suddenly, Chris jolted up into a sitting position.

“Wanna see me flip this wine bottle, I’m really good at it.” He stood up and got into position to flip the bottle.

“Chris no!” You snatched the bottle away from him, eager to avoid a late night/early morning trip to the ER.

Instead of flipping glass bottles, you finished the wine along with some cookies as you laid on Chris’ chest, his hands playing with your hair and running ring-studded fingers up and down your arm.

“You know, when I still lived in Ecuador I used to sit outside our house and just stare at the stars all night, wondering where life would take me.” He broke the peaceful silence that was making you doze off. “Now when I look at the stars, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come, but they always remind me of my life before…..” He trailed off mid sentence, almost accidentally revealing that he was famous.

You raised your head up to look at him but he just kept staring at the stars, “Before what?”

“Never mind, it’s nothing.” He said rather quickly, “Can I borrow your guitar?”

Chris began to sing ‘more than words’ as the sun started to rise over the horizon.

The next morning you woke up alone in bed, yet you remember falling asleep on the balcony with Chris after he sang to you. You figured he must have carried you to bed and couldn’t help but feel a little sad at the fact that he had left without saying goodbye. You stood up, yawning, and decided to take a quick shower to wake you up. During the whole duration of the shower you smiled as you kept replaying last night’s events, still not quite believing it was real. The more you thought about it the less sure you were that it wasn’t just a dream. When you stepped out into your room again the smell of coffee and pancakes took you by surprise. Putting a robe on, you followed the smell all the way to the kitchen and saw a shirtless Chris standing by the oven, with all the concentration in the world, flipping pancakes. You crossed your arms and leaned against the door frame, the corners of your mouth creeping up into a big smile.

“Please tell me we’re not having burnt pancakes for breakfast.” You said from the door.

Chris turned around, a smile on his lips, but as soon as he saw you his mouth dropped open, his eyes scanning you up and down. “Buenos dias princesa. Don’t you worry, I’m a pro.” He winked before turning his attention back to the pancakes.

You walked up to him and wrapped your arms around his torso, leaning your head on his back for a second before standing on your tippy toes to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m gonna get dressed,” you told him. Just as you turned to walk away, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back into a hug. You giggled against his chest as you reciprocated his warm embrace. “Chris I need to get readyyy,” you whined and he begrudgingly let you go.

After all the breakfast dishes were cleaned up, you walked Christopher to the door and you guys stared at one another in peaceful silence  before he smirked and let out a sigh.

“What?” You curiously asked.

“Que bonita te ves.” And after that statement Christopher started to lean in. Your heart raced as you closed the gap between you two, placing a soft but passionate kiss on his lips.

“I’ll see you later?” He asked after biting his bottom lip.

“Yea.” You smiled at him. He walked away holding your hand out as far as he could before letting go. You closed the door and leaned your back against it, unable to stop the smile that quickly formed as you shook your head and let out a small laugh.

The rest of your week consisted of hanging out with Chris and his friends, going out for ice cream, roller blading, and reluctantly seeing Annabelle 3 while you clung to Chris’ arm the whole time.

“I’m still shaking bro.” Chris laughed as he showed you his shaking hand.

You were holding onto his arm while laughing when suddenly a squealing girl came running up to the both of you. Chris immediately let go of your hand as soon as he saw her.

“Hola mi amor! Can we take a picture?” The girl squealed, hugging him by the neck and kissing his cheek. She asked him to kiss her back as she took out her phone for a picture. She thanked him and walked off to join her friends, a satisfied look on her face.

“Hey so ... who was that?” You questioned Chris, cocking your head to the side.

“I have no idea, they must’ve thought I was somebody else. I tend to get that a lot so I just started going along with it.” Chris shrugged nonchalantly. His answer seemed suspicious, but you believed him nevertheless. Why would he lie?

Later that day you went to dinner to enjoy one last night with Chris before he left to New York on a business related trip. He took you to a restaurant downtown and had a table set up at the corner with candles and flowers. You loved going out with the other boys, but you were glad to have some alone time with Chris.

Once the waiter took your orders Chris stood up to go to the bathroom and you used that time to check your phone and catch up on the latest news. When you went on instagram you were taken aback by all the notifications that swarmed your screen. You clicked on something a friend had tagged you in asking if that was you, and to your surprise, it was. The video was of you and chris singing from the night you met. It had thousands of views and comments but you were too confused to process anything. You clicked on the account that had posted the video and saw that it was filled with pictures of Chris and the other guys. After not much investigation you found Chris’s instagram along with his band’s, CNCO, which he had never bothered to mention.

You saw him come back and quickly put your phone away, determined to ask him why he would keep that from you. But not long after he sat down the food came, and chris dug right in so you decided to wait until after dessert.

You sat in silence for the rest of dinner picking at your food, appetite completely gone. Chris grabbed your hand, noticing something was wrong.

“Amor, qué pasa?” He looked at you worryingly.

“You would never lie to me right?” You spoke quietly.

“Never, why?”

You gulped nervously, rubbing your sweaty palms on your jeans. You debated whether or not to confront him, afraid that it might ruin things between you two.

“Why didn’t you tell me about who you really are…” You asked, your eyes not meeting his.

His grip on your hand loosened as his head dropped -- the moment he had been dreading was finally here.

He sighed before opening his mouth to respond, but nothing seemed to come out. After a couple seconds of silence Chris finally spoke up.

“That day at the bar… I felt attracted to you from the moment I saw you. I realized you didn’t know who I was and it felt… nice. You didn’t want me for my fame, you just wanted me for me. I enjoyed being just a guy for once and so did the boys. I-“

He was rudely interrupted when a small group of girls came up and tapped Chris on the shoulder, making him jump a little.

“Can we take a picture???” The girls giggled.

“Of course.” He responded with a smile, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice. He gave you an apologetic look as he stood up and started conversing with each one of them. You watched him intently, in awe of the way he interacted with the fans.

You started to feel a bit uncomfortable when they started giving you side glances and dirty looks. You shifted awkwardly in your seat, waiting for Chris to come back, but those pictures took longer than expected with every girl wanting multiple pictures with different poses.

Deciding that you had had enough, you waited until Chris wasn’t looking to leave forty bucks on the table and make your way out of the restaurant.

He saw you leaving from the corner of his eye, but when he began to follow you he was pulled back by a fan grabbing his hand.

“Let her go, you deserve someone who’s not gonna use your for your fame anyways.” She said matter of factly and it made Chris’ blood boil with anger.

“With all due respect nena, you don’t know her.” And with that Chris ran to follow you out the door but you were no longer in sight. He tried calling you but it went straight to voicemail.

‘Y/N, bebe, I’m so sorry I should’ve never lied to you. Please call me back. We can work this out.’

-------

After you exited the restaurant, you called your best friend to tell her you were coming over. While you waited for the uber to arrive, a million thoughts ran through your head as you began to overthink.

Was I just a distraction from his usual life?

Was our thing just a meaningless fling until he could go off to the next city to find someone new?

You were pulled out of your thoughts by your cell phone ringing. You looked down to see that the caller ID was Chris. You bit your lip, hovering your thumb over the ‘answer’ button but deciding last minute to let it go to voicemail.

---------

After multiple ignored phone calls, Chris decided that he would take an uber to your house. When he got in the car he buried his head in his hands. He heard a ding and scrambled to grab his phone, hoping it was you, but it was only Zabdiel.

Z: bro where are you? we have to head out for the airport in an hour.

C: she found out.

Z: isn’t that a good thing?

C: no. I lied to her and now she won’t talk to me.

-----------

You played the voicemail over and over for your best friend to hear. She listened to you rant for minutes on end as she nodded along.

“What do I do.” You said in an exasperated tone.

“Just talk to him…?”

“No you don’t understand I feel like he’s a different person, he has a whole side of him I don’t know about.”

“Y/N” You friend grabbed you by the shoulders sternly, “He’s still the same Chris you know and like, he just happens to work in the music industry.”

You knew she was right. You technically didn’t have a reason to be that mad, after all, you weren’t officially together. You were about to protest when you got a text message from Richard.

R: Hey y/n. I heard what happened with Christopher… I know you’re mad at us for not telling you the truth and I’m really sorry. We got carried away by the fact that you treated us like regular guys that we didn’t realize how it could affect you.

You: Thanks Rich, I appreciate it.

R: Chris is devastated right now. We’ve never seen him like this over a girl, but you’re different. I see the way he looks at you… You’re really special to him. Please just let him explain.

You searched Chris’ contact on your phone, hesitating before pressing the call button.

———-

Chris had said no more than two words the whole ride to the airport. The guys noticed how downhearted he was about the whole situation but they didn’t know what to do. He had messed up one of the greatest things he had going for him and it was all his fault. He knew a relationship would be difficult with his schedule but maybe if he had just told you the truth from the beginning you would've been willing to work through it with him.

He had his headphones in, lost in thought when his phone rang in his hands, your picture appearing on the screen.

“Y/n???”

————

His voice cracked when saying your name and it broke your heart.

“Hey Chris… I’m sorry for leaving the restaurant without explanation. I just needed to process things.” You spoke softly into the phone.

“No, I’m sorry about lying to you, it was wrong. I shouldn’t be leaving things like this.”

You chuckled a little, “It’s your job.”

“Yea… But you deserve someone who’s always going to be there for you.” His voice for quieter with each word.

“Hey hey, well I want you… We’ll work this out okay? Just… don’t sing with another girl at a bar in New York.” You tried to joke, although it sounded much better in your head, thankfully it got a small laugh out of Chris.

“Don't worry. You’re the only one, it’s only you.”

———-

The whole week Chris was away he sent you voice messages and videos everyday; from him being a complete crackhead with Erick to singing a variety of different love songs. Each one brought a smile to your face, brightening up your day. You couldn’t wait for the day that he came back, even though you hadn’t been given you a specific date.

That morning you made your way to work while listening to their newest single ‘de cero’, already singing along to every word. When you got the bar you were surprised to see that the stage was already set up, one of the bartenders informed you that they had booked someone else for the day. You crossed your arms in annoyance, wondering who could take your shift so last minute. The lights dimmed and five guys walked out. You squinted, not quite believing your eyes as you saw Christopher begin to sing.

In the middle of the song he got down from the stage and made his way towards you, placing a small blue envelope in your hands.

“Escape with me babe, we can run away. Explore our love your deepest fantasies. I want to show you, everything we can do. Yea there’s no limit to our love baby.” He sang as you opened the envelope to find two plane tickets to Fiji.

Tears formed in your eyes as you mouthed the words ‘really?’ but Chris’ only response was a lengua kiss that you loved.

You knew there would be a lot of difficulties when dating a pop star, but there was no one else you would want to overcome them with.

Christopher really made you feel like the only girl in the world.

[thecourtneychronicles]

“Courtney Act says she’s enjoying an endless “hot girl summer”. Which, for those not initiated into American rap memes, basically means she’s having a damn good time.

“I’m kind of lubed up and ready for Mardi Gras, so to speak,” she says. As Australia’s most famous drag queen, active since the turn of the century, Courtney helped lead the mainstreaming of queer culture in this country along with figures such as Carlotta and Bob Downe.

But being a leader or pioneer doesn’t guarantee being comfortable in your own skin. Courtney says that until recently her understanding of sexuality and gender was actually quite limited. When she was performing, she was a woman, but when she stripped off her make-up, she went back to being Shane Jenek, a man.

“Although I did drag, my masculinity and femininity were compartmentalised in the binary,” Courtney says.

But over the past few years, as public discussion of gender, sexuality and identity has grown, she has discovered things are more complex than your genitals, clothes and hair.

“I think sometimes people think identity has something to do with the wrapping, but really it’s the gift underneath,” she says. “It’s about how you feel. For me, I definitely feel like I occupy masculine and feminine qualities.”

Courtney explores this journey in her pop-cabaret show, Fluid, showing this week at the Eternity Playhouse in Darlinghurst as part of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras festival. It’s a change of pace for her after focusing on television in recent years; first by winning Britain’s Celebrity Big Brother in 2018, then as the runner-up (with Joshua Keefe) on last year’s Australian Dancing with the Stars.

It’s also a far cry from her humble beginnings in the DIY world of drag, which has never been regarded as high art but remains a staple of gay bars and culture worldwide.

“There’s a lot less hot glue and sticky tape in this show, which makes it feel a lot more professional,” Courtney says of Fluid. “I don’t know if that will hold until opening night.”

Set to original music, Fluid was written by Shane and American comedian Brad Loekle. For the most part it’s a one-woman show, with some help from a ballroom dancer in the second half. (“It’d be weird doing a ballroom dance by yourself,” she says.)

The show acknowledges that, more than ever, people are being flooded with “ever-changing and flowing ideas of who we are, what we are and what we might become”.

This is something we should embrace, says Courtney. “We change our clothes every day – we change  our hairstyles, we change our jobs. Everything is constantly in motion and constantly fluid. But we have this idea that our identities are fixed. When we look at our lives they’re actually a lot more fluid than we think.”

Courtney, or Shane, doesn’t identify as trans but has said that seeing more transgender people represented in the media was liberating and allowed her to explore her own doubts about gender. She’s previously been described as “gender fluid, pansexual and polyamorous”, although she no longer embraces those labels as she once did.

“They all work,” says Courtney, who prefers to identify as “just generally queer” these days. “It’s funny … so many of our groups identify so strongly with labels and they’re so important to us. I kind of feel less attached to those labels.”

She also understands why some people might feel confused, or even confronted, by the politics of queer identification. The acronym LGBTQIA+, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual and others, has expanded over the years to the point that some critics deride it as “alphabet soup”. Even those who are part of the community can be intolerant.

“I get that LGBTIQA+ is a little cumbersome from a marketing standpoint,” says Courtney. “But if you find yourself with the time to complain and be confused by a few extra letters, then you’re one of the lucky ones. If there are people that get to understand themselves more because of a letter in an acronym, I’m all for it.”

“I definitely feel like I occupy masculine and feminine qualities.”

Courtney casts a sceptical eye over everything, including the rise of cancel culture, a predominantly left-wing phenomenon which argues that anyone who says or does something deemed to be racist, sexist, homophobic or in any way offensive should be called out, shamed and, preferably, silenced.

Lamenting the state of political discourse while appearing on the ABC’s Matter of Fact program last year, she said: “The volume’s too loud now and everybody’s yelling.” While history showed that people sometimes need to raise their voices, “when you actually sit down opposite someone and have a conversation with them, you get so much further”.

How, then, does Courtney view the debate over religious freedom that has raged ever since Australians voted to legalise same-sex marriage in 2017? She says it’s clear that sometimes people, especially older white males, perceive other people gaining rights as a threat to their own. She says religion can be a lost cause because it is, by definition, about faith rather than rational argument. Still, queer people have to make the effort to engage.

“The way to do that is to get people to picture themselves in other people’s experiences. That’s the only way you can foster that empathy.

“Rather than yelling aggressively back at the people trying to oppress us, I think the most important thing to do is to share our stories.”

Another thing you can do, of course, is march. This weekend, Mardi Gras culminates in the annual parade up Oxford Street, which will feature more than 200 floats and 10,000 marchers. For the first time, Courtney will co-host the coverage on SBS with comedians Joel Creasey and Zoe Coombs Marr, and Studio 10 presenter Narelda Jacobs.

She had something of a practice run hosting the coverage on Foxtel some years ago. “I saw a clip of it the other day,” she says. “And I’m definitely hoping to redeem myself.”

As a character, Courtney has been on the gay scene for about 20 years. The person behind the facade, Shane, turned 38 last week. He grew up in Brisbane and remembers watching the parade on television as a teenager in the 1990s, huddled up close to the TV so he could quickly switch it off if his parents came downstairs.

Shane came to Sydney when he was 18 and attended his first Mardi Gras. “I just remember it was such a melting pot of people,” he says. “It was the first time I really understood what a community was: that there were all these different parts, and we all faced different challenges and struggles.”

But even then, Shane says he failed to really comprehend about what Mardi Gras was all about. Just like many heterosexual critics over the years, as a young man he gawked at the giant dancing penises, fetish-wear and nudity and wondered: why?

“I remember thinking: why can’t they just be normal?” Shane says. “Have your parade, but why does it have to be about sex and penises? Because I had shame about all of those things. I realise now that the parade’s brash display of sexuality liberates the shame … it’s a really radical way to shake people and say there’s nothing wrong with sexuality – not just homosexuality but sexuality in general.”

The queer community has given Shane a lot: acceptance, identity, a career and fame. It has taken him to Los Angeles, where he was based for some years until 2018, and now to his new home in London.

Love, on the other hand, remains elusive. He is “on the rebound” at the moment, though eternally optimistic. “It’s Mardi Gras time, it’s summer in Sydney, I think this is the perfect time to be single. Maybe I’ll find love under a disco ball at the after-party.”

Incredibly, at 38, Shane is about to attend his first ever wedding, straight or gay – his friend Tim is marrying his partner Ben. It is set to be a baptism of fire. “They have asked my ex-boyfriend and me to give the best man’s speech together, which could be slightly sadistic,” he says.

Shane is still adjusting to the relatively new world of same-sex marriage. It’s not for everyone – many queers still think of it as a conservative and unnecessary institution – but it’s growing on him. “Weirdly, seeing all these people get married, I feel like my cold heart has melted a bit,” he says. “I think there’s something really beautiful about marriage.”

It’s a reminder of why events like the Mardi Gras are still so important – a celebration of diversity at the same time as the old divisions between straight and gay are knocked down. As well as marriage, this can manifest in small shifts, like the politics of Bondi Beach.

“I was at North Bondi on Saturday [and] it was surprisingly unlike North Bondi,” Shane says. “It was all families and those banana umbrella things. I was like, ‘Oh, I remember when this used to be [gay nightclub] ARQ, but with more light.’"

“I guess that’s the progress we fought for – the families are happy occupying the gay beaches now.”

Fashion director Penny McCarthy. Photographer Steven Chee. Hair Benjamin Moir at Wigs By Vanity.

SBS’s Mardi Gras broadcast airs live from 7.30pm on February 29. Fluid will return for a tour of Australia and NZ in spring.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale February 23.”

Courtney’s interview for The Sydney Morning Herald - February 21, 2020

[dailyaudiobible]

02/06/2019 DAB Transcript

Exodus 23:14-25:40, Matthew 24:29-51, Psalms 30:1-12, Proverbs 7:24-27

Today is the 6th day of February. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It is great to be here with you today as we take our next step forward into this month and through the Bible. And we’ve been reading from the Amplified Bible this week, which is what we’ll continue to do. We’re in the book of Exodus in our Old Testament reading. Today we'll read chapter 23 verse 14 through 25 verse 40. And we’re reading some of the first laws to be given.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Matthew today Jesus is continuing a conversation that He started yesterday as He’s walking with His disciples by the Temple complex and they're kind of marveling about the construction of the whole thing and Jesus says, “the whole thing’s coming down” basically and then He begins this conversation about the end times. So, He’s like, “the sun will be darkened and the moon isn’t gonna have any light and the stars are gonna fall from the sky and the powers of the heavens are gonna be shaken and then at last the sign that the Son of Man is coming will appear in the heavens and there’ll be deep mourning among the peoples of the earth.” This is Jesus actually quoting Isaiah chapter 13 and Joel chapter 2 as He's discussing the time of the end. And as we talked about yesterday when we began this conversation, Jesus is…He's revealing that the thing that we deeply long for, right, the rebirth of everything, when all things are made new. So, what we long for is preceded by things that we'd probably rather skip, right? We want the baby without the labor pains but it's only the labor pains that bring the new birth. So, for millennia we’ve been trying to, you know, observe the signs of the times and make the predictions on where we are, and an apocalyptic worldview kind of leaves a sense of unease just kind of permeating everything, but Jesus actually pulled us away from that fear and hysteria and asked us to look from a different perspective. Jesus said, “nobody knows the day or the hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven, not even the Son Himself. Only the Father knows. So, see you gotta keep watch because you don't know the day when your Lord is coming.” That could change our lives if we would embrace that because it involves every moment of our lives starting like right now. So, Jesus said, “yeah, I mean it’s gonna get rocky out there and there's going to be some tumultuous situations to go through but we’re not supposed to be pulled toward fear or panic, instead we’re supposed to live with awareness and hope, awareness of what's going on so that were not blindsided and surprised and hope for what is actually happening. Even though at first it’s gonna look hard and bad, it's actually birth pains, new life comes out the other side of this story.” And we aren’t gonna figure out…we’re not gonna figure out something in Jesus Himself from His own lips is claiming not to know. What we’re supposed to do is be ready, be prepared, is the whole story that Jesus told, the last of our reading today where a master has put a servant in charge of caring for the other servants and then goes away, and he expects that servant to care for his other servants until he gets back. And if he does then the master will put them in charge of all his possessions but if he doesn't and he says in his heart, and this is where it gets a really, really familiar, “it's taking a long time, he's not going to return for a long while.” If the servant in the story takes that perspective, then he will stop being vigilant about how he cares for the other servants and may even begin to be abusive toward them and may begin to be seduced into what…in Jesus vernacular, “drink with drunkards”, right? So, be seduced into a worldly lifestyle that's full of partying and no vigilance, well then, the servant wasn't paying attention, wasn't aware, and the master will show up unexpected. So, basically the posture Jesus is suggesting that we espouse and live into is to approach…is to approach the future as if it's already underway. And if we’ll heed this then we will be ready, not just like for whenever the end times may be truly upon the human race we’ll be ready to participate and collaborate with God in the redemption of the world wherever we are on the continuum. And watch as I tell you this, these themes of vigilance, of awareness of endurance, and stamina, preparedness, they're gonna run through the rest of the whole Bible. The Bible will continually shake us awake because we’re not supposed to go through life asleep, we’re supposed to be participating.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for this, another day to kind of contemplate these things, these matters of vigilance and preparedness in the context of the end times, which is what You were speaking of today Jesus. And, so, we thank You for this opportunity and we invite Your Holy Spirit to begin to speak to us about what it looks like to be ready and prepared, what it looks like to live as if the coming of the kingdom is underway, is happening, is now, and is moving forward, and we are a part of the story. Come Holy Spirit we pray in the mighty name of Jesus we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, of course, where you find out what’s going on around here. So, stay connected in any way that you that you want to.

The Prayer Wall is dailyaudiobible.com as well. So, pray for your brothers and sisters or maybe you need your brothers and sisters to pray for you. This is one good way to reach out. So, check that out. The Prayer Wall is at dailyaudiobible.com. But it's also…you can also access it from within the Daily Audio Bible app by pressing the little drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner of the app. So, stay connected and pray for each other.

The Daily Audio Bible shop is also available with resources for this one-year journey through the Bible. So, check that out. You can check that out in the app or on the website as well.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link that is on the homepage. If you're using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And if you have a prayer request or comment, and I have a prayer request, I mentioned it yesterday, that we as a community begin to pray into and over our pilgrimage to the land of the Bible that's coming up in just under two weeks. We’ll be heading out and certainly I the team will be heading out from here but people from all over the United States and even the world will be flying in and meeting up in Tel Aviv and off we will go. So, prayers of the community over that as we go into it, as we’re there, and as we reintegrate back into our lives wherever our homes might be. This is something that needs prayer, needs a lot of prayer, needs God's people who are in this together, which is us, this community around this global campfire in this together. So, thank you for your prayers. But if you have stuff going on in your own life there are a number of numbers that you can call depending on where you are in the world. If you're in the Americas, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial. If you are in the UK or Europe 44-20-3608-8078 is the number or if you are in Australia or the lands down under 61-3-8820-5459 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi Daily Audio Bible, my name is Mary Ann Wilson. I’m from the New Brunswick Canada and this is my very first call. I started listening back in November and I will hopefully get to know you a little bit better over the coming months, but right now I just want to lift up our sister Margo from Australia who’s now doing her missionary trip in Liberia. Margo you been on my heart the last two weeks at least and I’ve been prompted to call more than a dozen times. I have avoided it so I apologize. I ask you to forgive me. So, heavenly Father I just lift up our sister right out. Father, she knows that she’s obeying Your call. Father, she wants nothing more than to be in Your will. And, so Father, I praise You, the god and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Father, we pray for comfort for Margo right now so that she as she is comforted she can then comfort others with the same comfort Jesus has given her. This Lord is what she’s been called to. Father give her peace, Father give her joy again. Lord, Your joy doesn’t leave us, sometimes we leave it. And, so, Father we just pray that Margo would grasp onto You and reach out to You. Also, Lord, I just thank You for Prodigal. I’m so glad to hear his voice again and that he’s doing better, not good but better. Father, thank you, I lift him up in Your heavenly precious arms. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hey everybody it’s Margo from Australia still currently in the UK. Just thought I’d check in and let you guys know that I am doing better, certainly doing a lot better and I am incredibly grateful for all of your prayers. I have felt them. I really…those first few days I think I kinda just went into shock and, yeah, they were rough, but I’ve regrouped. I am feeling the peace of the Lord. I still have my ups and downs. Obviously, it’s not gonna change but I have His piece in my heart and I certainly have excitement for the future. I do want to thank a few people that specifically prayed. Valerie prayed. That day you prayed was perfect timing. And Paul from Houston, you prayed a couple of prayers that were so meaningful. Candace from Oregon, I’m so grateful for that beautiful prayer you prayed. And Amazed by Brace in Massachusetts, you said you were praying and that means so much to me. Sherry who loves to worship, that praise you prayed brought tears to my eyes. There was a man on the prayer line, I don’t think he left his name, he prayed for us and then yesterday Isabel from Australia prayed. And it is so encouraging to know that people are praying for me and my husband and understand that this is a really hard time, you know, it’s exciting, but it’s also hard and I’m so grateful for your prayers. We have…my last day today of our orientation course that we’re doing here in the UK and tomorrow we leave for Uganda. So, my husband will be doing some flying stuff there and getting his African licenses all sorted out. So, I would love it if you’d continue that that process could go quickly because we’re really keen to get to Liberia and these things can sometimes take while in African countries. Okay, I love you all heaps…

Good day everyone, this is Pamela the teacher/pastor’s wife calling from Huntington New York. I hope everyone is having a fantastic beginning of the new year. I miss all of you, haven’t had an opportunity to call in like I would like but always listening and always praying. Today I just want a lift up pastors and their wives and their families. Father, in Jesus’ name we lift up pastors, we lift up the men and women of God that stand in __. We pray for them oh God that You would give them wisdom, that You would give them knowledge, that You would give them direction. We pray for their wives as they stand with them in faith oh God that You would strengthen them and encourage them. We pray for their finances. Oftentimes Lord You know the things that have to be made with pastors and their families. We pray Lord God that You would bless their finances open up doors and make ways Father. We just thank You for their children. Oh God who also make sacrifices with their parents Lord. We lift them up God. Oh God we thank You for blessing them, we thank You for using them for Your mighty glory Father in Jesus’ name. Continue to pray everyone, for those who pray can expect a miracle. And we ask one special prayer request, lift up pastor Gary, that God will have His way in his life in Jesus name. Have a wonderful day everybody. Bye.

Morning Daily Audio DABbers. About a year ago I found this app and I was listening and I missed the whole first part of the year where Brian goes in depth into the Bibles and what we do and how we do it. So, I was just listening to the __ part. I didn’t know about the requests. It wasn’t until, I believe it was Candace from Oregon, made a statement one day that stayed with me the entire year. She said, “you have no idea.” And I was a little bit offended at that thinking, “well yeah, I do…it’s an audio Bible app.” She was correct. I felt the Lord saying, “be still.” And so, I often pose a be still on my lips. Thank you, Lord. I’ve grown so much through this year and I just wanted to share those that are joining us to this year, you have no idea what the Lord has in store for you. Keep with it. I encourage you to go. All my friends Blind Tony, Victoria Soldier, I have learned to love you through this app. I continue to listen every day. My heart is full as Brian, you and your family have such a wonderful ministry. This __ healing in parts and ways you have no idea. Thank you.