#also hoping the sad wet beast doesn’t pass away if i actually play the game properly lmao

[deerlisteners]

me when fire emblem “ultimate test of skill” maddening mode is actually difficult

[koriandrsucker]

jaykori, burn, baby, burn

remember how i said i was going to do these quote prompts? i didn’t like the last few parts of it. maybe i’ll post them if this is worth of something for someone? 

title: burn, baby, burn.

warning: a lot of swearing. based on the universe of the teen titans series were (maybe) jason was red x. also, ENGLISH IS NOT MY MOTHER TONGUE, SO FORGIVE ANY MISTAKES. point them out to me and i’ll fix it, pleease.

i.

"Fancy meeting you here, cutie."

He tries to keep it cool, but as hard as it might seem to believe —because, hell, does he not look handsome as fuck in his suit?— sometimes that's easier said than done. Still, Jason strives and presses his right hip against the kitchen table, crossing both arms in front of himself as well as his ankles while he prays to the gods not to fall on his face or to appear as awkward as the position is.

Starfire lifts one tiny perfect eyebrow and stops putting mustard over her breakfast. She states without even blinking. "I live here."

Red X became the newest member of the Teen Titans almost two weeks ago. Now he has a home with a bathroom included and, surprisingly enough, real friends whom he can call a family. The problem is, though, that Tamaraneans are quite fond of firsts impressions and they cling to the feelings they get from it, they're utterly true about and to them, no in-between. So, he was having a really hard time getting himself on Kori’s —he had learned her true name recently— soft spot.

"So, I was thinking--"

"That's a first."

Starfire seems to stiffen for a second, as if regretting her words. He speaks again. “I think we should date, cutie.”

He lets out a grimace and suddenly is all to glad he didn’t stop wearing the mask. Jason caught Beast Boy's sympathetic expression at the other side of the room, and he wills himself to swallow a sigh. She actually was learning to be sarcastic, a new way of protesting his undesirable presence. This is his fault, because who else would dare to fall in love with such a fierce woman? Then, again, who the fuck could not to.

He fucks up, of course. “I think you should leave.”

She resumes her task rapidly and takes her food to another place when she’s done. Jason doesn’t say much after that, he keeps her company until she leaves the room. After her fragrance stops lingering in the air, and for fuck sakes, isn’t he the lamest romantic fool in this world? He makes his way to Beast Boy, who is screaming something to Cyborg as the game they’re playing flashes a gigantic ‘Game Over’ sign. They only shut up when he pushes himself between the two in order to steal the latter’s control.

“Dude,” Victor speaks, watching them play again. “If you want to make her like you, you will have to do something else.”

“I know.”

ii.

He knows what he has to do, doesn’t mean he wants to do it.

He hates the fact that she is worth it.

“Keep your head up, kiddo.”

It was fucking hard to ask Robin to please, please, pair him up with her in their next stake-out. It earned him some distasteful look, even behind the mask. He was not oblivious to the way Robin looked after Kori, but he had noticed too the way he acted around Batgirl when they traveled to Gotham. That had been the reassurance he had needed to decide he was not going to stop, even if Robin was not happy about it.

So here they are. She’s floating beside him, watching carefully their surroundings as he keeps his eyes glued to the alley where it's expected to reappear some idiotic villain they have been fighting the last few days, dangerously close to the edge of the roof.

The only reason why Dick had agreed to it, was because he knew how important it was to have a good relationship with the team. Sucker.

He knows she’s concerned, she can’t help but show her emotions, though she tries to hide it and that only makes her look cuter. They hadn’t be able to get him xynothium, so he only has his own audacity to keep himself alive. That, and the protection she could provide. He almost felt glad he had to rely on her, despite the atmosphere.

Starfire was not happy and it didn’t have to do completely with him, right?

“I’m older than you, you know?”

She scoffs adorably. “Doesn’t mean anything. I’m in charge and you are just annoying.”

Hell, he was all tingly, she was the cutest thing alive.

This kind of exchange had become something common. They would argue to no end about anything he could do on purpose. For some, it might not be the best way to approach her, no one would want to make Starfire mad, but slowly she had started to say more words to him, to actually acknowledge his existence. He knew that at some point they were going to pass the angry conversation as they had done with the awkward one, maybe someday they could be just friends and for him that would be enough. For now, though, he was enjoying all this bickering.

“Well, you’ll have to make me.”

Robin’s voice cut any answer her parted lips might have been about to tell, lecturing them about keeping quiet. It was his way of showing some jealousy action, more now that they were kind of mad to each other, but Jason was not worried about it, not when he knew Kori was not so happy with their leader. She didn’t answer to Robin, which was nice, to be true, but her frown deepened and Jason only wanted erase it, though he much rather like to bring her down and kiss it away.

Her anger towards Robin only deepens with his cold words. He presses his forearms to the edge and casually turns off his communicator. He knows she is watching him and hopes she doesn’t take it on the wrong side.

“Do you think birds are scared of heights?”

He feels warm inside when she lands on the floor and slowly turns off her communicator too. The night seems all better without him rambling through their ears. With a sigh, she mimics his position.

“Shut up.”

“Someone’s grumpy.”

“Someone wants to die today.”

He laughs. He has to be some kind of masochist idiot. When he searches for her eyes and sees some kind of small smile, all laughter dies inside and he decides this time is okay to keep quiet, no more bickering, just her and those perfect lips.

(…)

“Can you kiss my boo-boo?”

Kori looks at him through her eyelashes. He knows he’s pushing it, but he can’t help it and it is her fault he is like this. She had smiled to him –though, maybe, not exactly to him, but who cares–, a pretty little push to her lips and he just didn’t know what was his name or where the fuck he was. It was a beginners mistake, but Jason was all about new beginnings these days, more so when she was around. When the bad guy had came out, his mind was elsewhere, maybe kissing her senseless in another rooftop, so in the end he had gotten himself injured. It was worth it, though, because she felt responsible for him and had been taking care of each necessity since yesterday.

Jason lifts his finger up higher in her direction. She is squinting her eyes to him as she holds a spoon with jelly for him to swallow. She made it herself and he is eager to try it, but priorities are a thing.

“Please? It really hurts,” he says.

He sounds too cocky for her to believe him, but she still flushes slightly, just as she has been doing this last few days. Jason really can’t help it, it’s all her fault. Robin is watching their exchange from a corner as Beast Boy snorts, in the form of a dog, snuggled by Star’s feet.

She pressed her lips to a thin line, looking all red and mad, but then kisses it with so much strength that his broken arm has to flex. Fuck. Worth it.

iii.

Trygon had destroyed the Tower. He feels kind of sad about it, but it has been a long time since he learned not to attach to things. Kori seems to think the same, she probably does, she has lost her home before, these he knows thanks to Beast Boy’s big mouth, but her eyes still shine with some kind of sadness he doesn’t like. Jason strides slowly in her direction and tries his luck.

“I just think the life of a hobo wouldn't be all that bad."

She watches him with mild curiosity, sitting by a rock as the shadows of Cyborg’s robots reflects on them, working on the new structure that will uphold their restored tower. “You are literally homeless.”

“So much freedom!”

Jason thinks she will ignore him, but then suddenly her laugh fills his ears and he has to close his fists to avoid taking her hand to pull her and press her against his body. He wants to hold her, feel her body shake with laughter while it. Shitfuck, he likes her so much better this way, he would do anything to keep it like that.

“You are such a fool.”

“What makes you think I’m joking?”

She smiles again. Fuck. Then she sighs. He’s so doomed.

“Why did this happen?” She asks, looking to the sky.

There’s no more sadness, just resignation, but also hope. He has no such luck, because even if she is the sun and she makes him happy just by smiling, life has fucked him over too many times to change by now, so he replies with blunt sincerity.

“Because sometimes life sucks.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say.”

He shrugs, some kind of bittersweet feeling slipping through his tongue.

“Not all things are nice and cute and perfect like you, princess.”

He meant it as an angry reply, he is angry to the world most of the time, but as he finds her green eyes looking at him, he realizes he just sounded plainly truthful. Painfully so. It is nothing new, not really, he daily tells her how they should date, how she should give him a kiss, how perfect she is, but he always makes it sound as a joke. He doesn’t laugh or shrug off his words this time, Jason lets them sink into her and hopes, just hopes.

iv.

The mask lies beside him as he stares to the night sky, both arms resting under his head. Thunder and lightning threaten the peace of the night, but Jason likes it, he is not afraid of getting wet, it is almost a promise he looks forward to.

It has been a long time since he felt this peaceful. The tower is good as new, their teamwork is even better. You might think that, living with Robin, things would be hard on him, but they’re not, both of them have become kind of close, only communicating through nods and silences; it is not much, but he knows it’s a great deal. They share some kind of affinity that Dick, as he now knows is his real name, doesn’t share with Cyborg or Speedy or Beast Boy. He actually wonders if maybe, in another life, they would’ve been able to be like brothers.

He is so engrossed in his thoughts that he smells her even before he can hear her. The fact that she floats around doesn’t help him much lately. She doesn’t give him enough time to put on the mask again, so he sits up rapidly and turns his face away from her.

“Do you ever sleep?”

He is surprised she knows about his lack of sleeping hours. If he didn’t felt so vulnerable without his mask, he would’ve smiled as big as he could. He clenches his fists and tries to stop the grin on his face, looking at her by the corner of his eyes. Shadows are casting above them, so he knows she can barely see him.

“Keeping an eye on me, cutie?”

He sounds oddly sure of himself, at least for someone who can’t face the other person. Jason thinks he is dumb as fuck, but the fact that she hasn’t take her eyes away from him scares him so fucking much he has to stand up and walk away, even if it means letting his mask forgotten by her feet. Kori crocks her head, following him with her glowing eyes, he can’t see it, but feels the burn on his back.

“I’ve never seen your face,” she says instead.

“It’s not something I like to show much.”

“Why?”

He pauses, then, he speaks truthfully, because he doesn’t want to lie to her. “It makes me feel more like myself: Jason Todd, orphan kid, trashy stuff.”

It is the first time he has told her his name and somehow he finds the strength to straighten up and look at her, though only through his right side. He likes her so fucking much that he can’t help but blurt out all the things he doesn’t want to, he has known this for quite some time now and the only thing saving him had been his mask, his other identity—Red X. She looks at him, her eyes bright and full of care and once again he is not surprised, that’s just the way she is.

“You are not trashy. I--” she stops, looks to the ground, then lifts her face. “I’m sorry if I was mean to you before.”

“You would’ve never be mean to me.” Even if she was, he would just find her endearing.

She looks to the ground again, then flashes him a shy look. “Do you mean it?”

“What?”

“The things you tell me. The names you call me with.”

He wonders what kind of expression he is showing to her as he walks a step in her direction, the light of a sing illuminating him, leaving him bare in front of her.

“Yeah. It’s always been you.”

She bites her lips. He wants to do that for her.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

He knows that,  Jason knows she still looks after Robin. “I know. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But I’m not giving up.”

She stands up slowly and before she’s gone, he speaks again.

[tarysande]

Fic Update: Any Four Walls: Cool Aunt

Heyyy, why not update a story I haven’t updated in more than a year while everyone is off playing new game? *finger guns*

(In all seriousness, sorry for the long delay. I don’t anticipate one NEARLY as long again. This chapter sets up an arc I’ve had in my head for years!)

On AO3

#

Cool Aunt

After three hours spent as sole caregiver to her brother’s daughters, Solana was beginning to have serious doubts about her own suitability as a parent, which made her current state of impending motherhood all the more terrifying. No going back now. Not even if she was having sudden visions of just how woefully underprepared she was. And she was. In vivid color.

Taking the girls off their parents’ hands for a day had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Step one to reaching coveted cool aunt status. Girls day out. Or in. Something. Fun. Definitely fun.

To be honest, she hadn’t actually thought that far ahead when she made the offer.

Garrus had an itinerary of political obligations as long as his arm, which only made Solana shudder and wonder how she could ensure her own position in the Hierarchy rose no further than it was already. Though Shepard had been perfectly willing to stay and entertain the children, Garrus did not disguise how much he wanted her with him. More than that, Solana knew they were far more effective a team when working together, especially when it came to fighting for things they believed in. Solana wasn’t privy to the details, but whatever it was they were dealing with now left a grim expression on her brother’s face whenever he thought no one was looking. Shepard’s wasn’t much better.

While arguing with one or the other of them was possible, when they presented a unified front, Sol wasn’t sure they’d ever actually failed. Being on kid-duty for a day seemed a small price to pay, if it helped relieve some of the tension lurking beneath her brother’s plates or in the furrowed cant of Shepard’s human brows.

Off they’d gone, and with them Naxus and her father to their respective work, leaving Solana in possession of two sleepy girls and many hours to fill. The sleepiness had worn off after breakfast, replaced by the kind of frenetic activity Solana usually associated with a firefight. Or stims. Or stims during a firefight.

And that was only hour one.

On hour four, tired to her bones and having exhausted all avenues of entertainment via vid-watching or reading or playing in the garden with nothing resembling nap time in sight, Solana bundled the girls into her skycar and took the scenic route into town. This served the dual purpose of helping pass time and avoiding some of the worst areas of Reaper destruction still in the process of being cleaned up. She didn’t need to ask to know Tyrra was uneasy; the girl sat in the back seat with her hands folded, looking anywhere but out the windows. Beside her sister, hip pressed to hip and shoulder to shoulder, Rose kept up a steady stream of conversation requiring no responses. Most of it seemed to be about some vid series Solana had never heard of.

With sinking certainty, Solana realized she was going to have to know these things at some point. Hot vids, and the names of the characters in them. The right toys. Lingo.

How to change a dirty baby. How to feed one. How to stop one from crying.

“Spirits,” she muttered under her breath.

“Are you okay, Auntie Sol?”

“Of course,” she lied, wondering about the stats on new parents who somehow broke their offspring in the first week. Or day. Or hour. She wondered if there was a record. She wondered if she was going to break it.

Machines she could do. Code? Without a doubt. Even the trickiest, most finicky wiring? Not a problem.

Real living creatures were a whole other matter.

There was, after all, a reason why she’d never kept pets.

“It’s just you have a real funny look, like the one Dad gets when he’s gotta go on the vids.”

“He hates the vids,” Tyrra added. Solana didn’t miss the way the girl’s subharmonics seemed to ask if Solana hated them the way Garrus hated public appearances.

With a touch more honesty than she was entirely comfortable with—and how honest were you supposed to be with children about things like this, anyway?—Solana replied, “I wasn’t busy hating anything, I promise.” One hand waved in the general vicinity of the alien lifeform now growing within her. “I’m only a little nervous about this whole having a kid of my own thing.”

“Why?” Rose asked, so guileless Solana could’ve hugged her. “You’ve been doing real good with us, except for when you almost mixed up the breakfast foods and when you almost locked us out of the house and when—”

Tyrra cleared her throat loudly.

“Oh,” said Rose. “Sorry. Yeah. You’re doing good. Definitely.”

She said definitely exactly the way Garrus would have said it. Only Garrus would have smirked. And then Sol would have had to kill him.

“I think you get used to it, anyway,” offered Tyrra, finally looking up from the hands folded in her lap. “Taking care of babies. They don’t do very much. Just eat and sleep and need their diapers changed. Mostly they like it when you hold them and sing to them, and they don’t like loud noises. They like to feel safe.”

Solana’s breath caught when she realized Tyrra was speaking from experience, and that the experience hid the kind of grief no nine-year-old kid should ever have known. Sol was forced to correct for an unintentional swerve. The weave and drop made Rose giggle.

“Well,” Sol said, too brightly, her subharmonics hiding nothing, “I have to admit I don’t have any experience at all. Garrus is the older brother; I think he did all the baby stuff when I was small. That’s what my mom always said when he pissed me off later, anyway: ‘Be nice to your brother, dear heart, he used to change your diapers.’”

“Dad’s pretty good with babies,” Rose agreed, kicking her feet back and forth. Solana noticed she was wearing different colored socks pulled up overtop of her envirosuit, one pink and one bright blue with sparkly stars. “Mom’s soooo bad.”

Tyrra’s mandibles fluttered in amusement. “She really is.”

Solana laughed. “If Shepard—of all people—can set such a low bar, maybe there’s hope I’ll be able to step over it.”

Tyrra glanced out the window and didn’t immediately look away; the smile remained on her face. Solana couldn’t help feeling it was a victory. “I think she doesn’t do well when she can’t talk to them.”

“Sounds about right.” Solana held up a finger. “She’s good with words.” She’s held up the other. “She’s good with guns.” Opening her palm, she shrugged one shoulder. “Something she can neither talk to or shoot at probably causes no end of discomfort. I should remember that.”

Tyrra laughed. Rose leaned forward against her restraints and said, “One time she almost dropped a baby someone wanted her to hold, like, for a picture? It was screaming and wriggling and the mom was all ‘Please, Commander Shepard’ even though Mom’s not a commander anymore but I guess that’s how everyone knows her and the baby was just like, ‘Wahh’ and Mom was getting all flustered until Dad kinda saved her and made a joke about always having her six even against, um, the most hostile hostiles? It was pretty funny. Then the baby puked right in her face. Like, a lot. I think it was on the vids. You should look it up.”

“Oh, I will,” said Solana, grinning. “I absolutely will. Now, girls, I was thinking we might do a little shopping, but we could also—”

When the crash sounded and the skycar began plummeting to the ground, Solana’s first thought was that there’d been some kind of rockfall—her route had taken them close to the mountains to avoid the worst of the valley’s Reaper destruction—but the screech of metal on metal whispered an even more alarming truth. They were under attack. Her fingers danced over the haptic interface, trying to wrestle back control and even out the car’s trajectory. Beneath her talons, her instruments recorded a flash of energy before flickering and dying.

She swallowed her panic because she had to. She had to.

In the shadow of the mountain, the interior of the vehicle was dark without its glowing lights and reassuring screens and readouts.

Rose screamed once, high and terrified. Tyrra remained silent, talons digging hard into the seat.

“It’s okay,” Solana said, breathless. The side of the car bounced hard off the rock face, potently punctuating her lie. She reached for the weapon at her hip, while scrambling for the other in its secret compartment under her interface panel. The first she attempted to hand to Tyrra, but the older girl only stared straight ahead, mandibles pulled tight to her face and eyes so wide Solana knew she was seeing something very different from the inside of a falling car.

—beasts wearing turian faces krogan bodies turian teeth tearing turian eyes and her leg her leg her leg leave me dad leave me just go on without me save yourself they’re turians oh spirits they were turians once—

Rose took the weapon before Solana could stop her. Her face was wet with tears beneath the envirosuit’s mask. With a weary sadness so at odds with her usual ebullience, Rose closed her hands around a grip far too big for her little hands and said, “I know what to do, Auntie Sol. Aim for the eyes. Always point at the eyes and pull and pull and pull and pull and don’t stop.”

Some of the pressure from above eased. The backup generator stuttered to life, providing enough power for Sol to get the safety landing gear mostly extended, though she had to release her restraints and reach for the manual controls to do so, and the damned things still stuck half-in, half-out. When the second crash came, her head hit the side window hard enough to make her see stars.

—turian faces krogan bodies turian keening from a monster’s throat—

The roar in her ears refused to diminish. Clutching at her weapon, she tried to see into the back seat, but her vision remained alternately blurred and dark. Pain arcing down her spine and across her belly stole a low keening note from her throat.

—i won’t leave you you know i won’t leave you—

Metal crunched. A third attack from above was enough to finally push the car into the dirt, and though the landing gear cushioned them somewhat, the lack of power and maneuverability sent Solana against the window again, curling so her back and cowl took most of the damage. She blinked, swiping at the blood in her eyes, gasping around the pain. She’d had worse. She’d lived through worse.

—turian teeth tearing—

“Rose? You okay, dear heart? Tyrra? Tyrra?”

“Yes,” replied Rose promptly. “Is…is it Reapers?”

“The Reapers are gone. I promise.” Solana swallowed hard, tasting yet more blood. Her bad leg felt strange, hollow. Like the phantom limb tingling she’d suffered before her surgery to replace it. Another screaming ripple of pain twisted her gut. “Is Tyrra—”

“She’s in the bad place.”

The driver’s side window imploded in a shower of glass that skittered across Solana’s plates without enough force to cause damage. She wasted neither time nor words, turning her gun in the direction of the sound and shooting. No satisfying sound of injury met her shots.

“Rose, tell me what you see.”

In a whisper, Rose said, “There’s a lot of legs, Auntie Sol. I can’t see their faces. It’s not Reapers. I think it’s—”

Unconsciousness found Solana before Rose finished. She fought it, clawing at the light with everything she had. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

—they’re turians oh spirits they were turians once—

[violetsystems]

#personal

When your birthday falls on a weekend, you always have to wait until the next to be sure it’s really over.  I don’t have Facebook anymore but my birthday is visible on my reactivated twitter.  Nobody follows that account other than a few diehard people.  Most of the people who reached out were from this platform which speaks to me a lot more in some ways.  How people you barely even know care about you enough to reach out on a day like that is strange when you compare it to the reality.  People straight up forgot in real life.  I got a callI on the train home from a delayed flight the day before Valentine’s day.  It was work.  I scribbled the number on a paper crunched with my messenger bag and handled it as I speeded back home.  Then spent the rest of the weekend incognito playing games and rearranging my finances.  The trip to New York wasn’t as great as I would have hoped it to be.  But it was useful in a lot of respects.  I came back to my cat waiting patiently on the bed.  She sleeps with me at night now.  The auto feeder worked perfectly.  I was telling someone at work how I use three litters now.  They have three cats and one litter.  I told them my cat likes her litter a particular way.  About an inch thick.  She wants options.  My apartment is big enough and I live alone.  I spent two nights away. I probably could have spent three.  My mom offered to stop by to feed her wet food but we decided it was a quick enough trip.  So that is an option for the future.  But really the idea that I just take off to New York and disappear for a few days has reached its zenith.  At least in the way I used to approach it.  The hotel that I stayed at again ended up waiving their small fee. I found a new hotel in Chinatown that is very nice and has my favorite coffee.  So I may stay a night there and a night midtown next time.  I didn’t end up shopping very much but I did order some shoes from the DSMNY eshop last night.  Have to have those delivered to work.  Still having issues with packages.  Ran into my neighbor from downstairs who now is also having the same problems.  I tend to keep to myself on the property but I have lived here for over a decade.  My downstairs neighbor situation is like a room mate in some ways.  I pay the utilities but I’m not trying to be anyone’s friend.  I think that understanding is much more apparent these days to people around where I live.  The rest of the city can be a little less respectful of your privacy.  Everybody is always up in your business but not enough to remember your birthday.  I don’t drink anymore.  I’ve spent the last three years assessing and working through my baggage.  This includes physical and emotional hangups as well as financial ones.  I didn’t end up spending much money this time around.  I paid my flight and hotel months before.  My debit card got denied at the Nintendo store so I left without a switch.  I spent all last year budgeting this trip into a comfortable spending pattern.  When I get lonely or isolated I always have the option of planning a trip.  This time I think I’m going to wait until May.  I have way less bills to pay this year.  Way less frivolous spending habits as well.  I’m also one year older which to everybody here is ancient history.  If you ask me how it feels, it feels weird.  But then again it’s also weird the only place I feel understood is typing out sentences to people I’ve never met.  In that I’m kind of thankful.  Which is why I share my feelings and not my actual age.  Here’s a hint.  I’m almost dead in dog years.  If I were Anubis.

Being old and being me is fucked up.  Both aren’t really linked to any regret.  I find that I know better.  I also find nobody listens or pays attention to me most of the time.  So I don’t really talk much anymore unless it’s to do my job.  I did get a free month of Hulu for my birthday.  The way brands express how they care about your date of birth can be bizarre.  The videos I watch about surveillance capitalism don’t add any fuzzy feelings to it.  But I have been watching High Fidelity.  I’ve been pretty into it.  It reminds me that there are people out there like myself.  The main character has all sorts of problems connecting to a real relationship.  She hasn’t had sex in a year.  I would say personally that’s rough but I’m definitely way beyond that threshold into second virginity.  Conversely I think I had the best Valentine’s day I’ve had in years.  I always complain my birthday falls after it.  One year I delivered an ice sculpture to a girl I liked low key.  Left this frozen led unicorn in her back yard and ghosted.  She posted on Facebook how it was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for her.  The very next day on my birthday when I called her to see if she wanted to hang out she said she was busy.  She immediately started dating another guy.  I don’t know how many years ago that was at this point.  It was definitely after dating my ex so it’s recent enough.  I don’t really talk about my personal life anymore with anyone.  It’s been more beneficial to live and enjoy what I feel in private.  But me being depressed about anything has nothing to do with love.  Love is complicated if it’s worth something.  And I’m a complicated person in theory except that I’m so easy to get along with I’m invisible.  So valued by people but always so alone.  I must shut myself out.  And as you get older you start to realize that being everybody’s friend is empty with no return.  You can prove your worth that way for as long as you can stomach it.  But for me I’ve always felt I’m worth more.  I deserve to be treated like I matter.  And the real sting is that I don’t matter to a lot of people.  Which isn’t the same for Tumblr for some reason.  Which is why it’s sort of bizarre to know what’s working and what isn’t.  The real news is that this year is the same as last year really.  Except I’m less fearful of the outcome.  I know what I have to do.  I get better at doing it.  I look better than I have.  I carry myself more confidently.  I also have my shit more together.  No one seems to recognize that.  Mostly because you end up understanding people aren’t as together as you are.  They don’t put in the time.  They don’t confront the truth about things.  They’d rather avoid the painful realities.  I face them.  It is definitely not easy.  But the reward is being yourself instead of what people want you to be.  And I think we all are trying to justify our own identities.  We don’t always respect the ecosystem around that that makes it possible.  Which is why America lately as well as Chicago has left me a little drained.  Particularly with the politics and the spectacle.  The reality that I live is a different beast completely.  And that ends up being my own shit at the end of the day.  Which is to say I’m still alive and still me regardless of what shit anyone tries to pull.  

The truth is I don’t have much interest in being anything else.  And sometimes the boring realization is that the best course of action is staying it.  I do find people feel comfortable being around me.  Sometimes that gets taken advantage of.  Sometimes it’s far more complex than I’d even care to imagine.  So I stay out of it.  People that can’t be bothered to remember your birthday are a dime a dozen.  Most of the time it’s a bunch of people sitting around you negging you.  An excuse to get drunk and take pot shots at a vulnerable person.  I’d rather just smoke pot by myself.  That’s nobody’s business but mine.  And even then people feel some type of way about how I choose to live my private life.  I could complain like I did for years here.  And then I can just move forward with it all the way I have.  Minding my own business and finding my own future.  I still Iive here.  My life still intersects with the general public.  I have to play detective every time I walk out the door for my own safety.  People have begun to realize just how long I’ve been dealing with it all and keep their distance.  Some people don’t.  Being an adult is navigating that hazy landscape and standing your ground.  My ground happens to be three houses from the train platform.  I get to work in twenty minutes.  I can walk home on a good day.  I spent most of New York walking.  Twenty miles one day.  I know the streets better by foot.  I connect things in my mind.  I explore.  I discover hidden secrets.  Different ways to say what I’m trying to say.  And people approach me thinking they know something they don’t.  And I often correct them in public in the most cryptic response.  If my life is cryptic it’s not like I don’t live it out in the open.  I just don’t trust people with the intimate details of my dreams.  It’s for me to live and love.  And honestly I feel more connected emotionally in some ways because of it.  People always want you to share yourself.  They give you the impression it’s for the greater good.  That we’re all in this together.  And then they forget your fucking birthday.  And then you just know better.  They want you to share so they have something to hold over you.  Bring you down to their level with negative comments and discouraging advice.  My results always come from my own deep thoughts.  You have to act on them.  You can’t just think things will be better.  I spend a lot of time making reminders for myself and logging what I’ve achieved.  Maybe it’s three workouts a week.  Maybe I spend less on groceries this week.  Maybe I stay home on my birthday and organize my closet.  Maybe I look ten times more together than I have.  I know the work that goes into being that.  And I know that when I try to share it people tune out.  I don’t have the same lifestyle as a lot of people.  And I don’t have the fear of missing out when I know the rewards that come from letting it all pass you by.  Being older doesn’t really make me sad.  I just feel more like big brother.  A bigger brother than most.  I’m always watching.  Ever vigilant.  And I’m always going to have another birthday.  But really I just wanted to wish you happy Valentine’s day wherever you are.  That was the best birthday present ever.  <3 Tim