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mytwitterisdogtoast1 · 4 years ago

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Pokken is probably the biggest Pokemon let down in the history of Pokemon let downs.

I'm a passionate guy. I love and hate things pretty hard for many reasons and those reasons usually run deep even if they are only a few words. However, sometimes I'll have a passion so deep that it is specifically against the common consensus and will be viewed as "flawed" or "wrong" or "stupid" or "something I should get over". The point is this is one of those things that every time I explain it to my friends who like Pokken that they get defensive and tell me I'm wrong. Thankfully most of the times opinions can't really be wrong now can they? Firstly I would like to express I am not a game designer in any way and my opinions are just that. My opinion and if you don't like it that is fair. We can all live in the same space and not have to come to blows over these things. So why is Pokken the biggest let down at least for me in the world of Pokemon games? That's because Pokken is not what I expected and what it could have been. When I say it could have been better and possibly better than almost every single fighting game known to man as well better than even Smash than you can only assume my expectations were so high on this game that you could say it is my fault for putting them on the highest level and then being sad when the game doesn't even come to half of what I wanted. Let me take you back to the first time I saw a Pokemon fighting game. For many of you, you already know or have seen the game but maybe don't know the name. That game is Pokemon: Type Wild. Type Wild is basically like every single other fighting game in that you get a roster (9) of different fighters who all fight in their own style. Simple enough to get where anyone can pick it up but few could master. It is a simple game that strikes desire into the heart of fighting game lovers. Which I happen to love fighting games. I may not play the greatest amount of them but I am ungodly at Bloody Roar 3 to a point where picking up a controller is like riding a bike. Short side story. My first time drinking I played a drinking game with friends where if you win you take a shot of hard liquor. We had 4 different types of hard liquor such as Sake, Vodka, Whiskey, and something else I can't remember. Eventually I had won so many games that not only was I shit face to the point of barely able to sit up straight, but I drank so much alcohol that by the time I was half way through the roster people quit because I was still winning and they haven't even felt a buzz yet. We ran out of liquor that day. Point is I love fighting games so I for years hoped that we would get a solid fighting game either like a 2d styles Street Fighter or a 2.5d style in the styles of Tekken or Bloody Roar. Instead we got Pokken. So I'm sure you would ask "what is wrong with the game. I like it." and that is just fine. You can like whatever you want and we can again have different opinions. Hell even if you like a thing people think is bad or a guilty pleasure that's also fine. I love infomercials and they are stupid as hell. You are allowed to like bad things. Let's be honest though. Pokken even if a good game does have flaws. It's not perfect by far and in those flaws I find that I don't for its own merits actually like the game. This again does not make it bad. Here are the things I find bad with the game in no particular order. Fights are too short I hate the switch style of fighting and it tends to make certain characters like machamp unrealistic in that he now needs a ranged attack like everyone else thus he becomes like everyone else. This is bad because you have no choice when it'll switch styles as it sometimes happens randomly (or so I assume, it has been a hot minute since I played but I'm pretty positive it happened without me "triggering anything) It's all style and no real substance. It looks pretty but it is kind of just a flash in the pan when you've seen all the moves over and over and over again. As stated before, all the characters are pretty much the same. What I mean by that is all have a long ranged move and basically feel the same. Yes there is some rock

paper scissors but when machamp needs a long ranged move and you just make it punches then it feels more tacked on and the characters don't really shine much. The roster looks alright at best but since there are 2 mewtwos and 2 pikachus it just feels lack luster. Also the dog and the chandelier don't seem to fit. The little support Pokemon don't seem like they add that much. Lastly and the most important part is that the game seems to lack real actual depth like Pokemon games do. That's the real problem for me. You have the biggest franchise in the world and finally make the biggest spin off for it and you make it lack substance? You might be thinking "well what would you do to make the game better?" and I'm glad you hypothetically asked in this scenario I just made up and forced upon you. There are 2 ways to make a good Pokemon fighting game. One is a rip off and the other is my own creation so to speak. The first is simple. Just make another smash. Make the Kanto region its own smash areas with instead of pokeballs and items and so on (you could cut down on all the extra stuff) and focus on making a pokemon with its own move sets. You could give them each their own moves and just make them fight like they would in smash. Is it a unique game? No, but the roster would be gigantic and it would look dope having a person fight as magikarp against a giant group of people. Also think of the amount of Amiibos they could make. The game wouldn't end there. It would get DLC for each region with new pokemon every time. The problem with this is the roster would be 1000 large and counting. So making this, as fun as it would be, seems unrealistic. So let's instead go with my idea. My idea is more or less the same as the actual game but with fighting in it. What that means is you would take every main important mechanic and throw it into this game. Then you would take the game and make it into a fighting game with those mechanics. Let's start small. First we need a story to get the game rolling right? Let's make it simple. It is a fighting tournament where fighting types can come together and fight in the arena. You know, like the episode of where Ash had primeape fight a bunch of dudes. Instead of in general fighting in a ring, they would have a stage where fights would be held. The story is this is where whoever shows up wants to be the best. Let's say each character is going to also be it's own "person" with it's own personality. That way we can have entry comments when they start the fight because they are talking to each other. You can make rivalries happen, you can also in general say these are the best fighters of their kinds. You have options to make this into a grander stage than the original did by making this the first ever tournament of its kind. That's the setting but we need a roster to fill the game out. So the game could start small in that it generally would have a roster specifically of only fighting types. This means that at most we would if only using final evolutions have without different forms, and megas about 32 different characters. Suddenly we now have a larger roster compared to the actual one we got. sure it is only fighting types but if we only have fighting types no one can complain about not getting their favorite. However, I'm not gonna lie, the roster looks like it lacks main villains and leaving out legends kind of ruins the whole every fighting type and lastly, with what happened to dexit I'm sure people would be mad if they can't use megas as well. So let's instead change that roster to have EVERY single fighting type in the game. (only last evolutions though. Don't need no babies and first forms in here) Now we have a total of 52. Let's also say for fairness sakes that some characters have non fighting forms. Let's add those in if they are before a mega evolution changes them. That's 3 more for a total of 55 in the roster. Now let's also have to force a couple more in there for "reasons" such as it is Pikachu who has to be in every single game. So now it is 56 total and since in general

arceus can every type the roster would be a total of 57 characters at the end of the entire thing. That puts the current roster to shame. Sure we miss out on fan favorites but in the end 57 unique characters? That is one hell of a difference. Yeah they are all fighting types but still. It is 100% better than what we currently have. Also this can be done. There are fighting games with over 60 characters and I'm not talking about a roster of "forms" like in dragonball z games where you can change your move set that is basically the same as other peoples. I'm talking about games such as smash with 58, tekken tag tournament 2 with 59, mortal kombat armageddion with 62, def jam fight for ny with 72, naruto ultimate ninja storm with 119. Suddenly you're up there with the big boys. (at least numbers wise) Some people might say that the game would probably have bad graphics and to that I say it has a simply solution. Make the game 2d. Many people would probably say that the best thing about Pokken is that it looks "tight as fuck" or something in that regard but we all know that 3d doesn't make everything better. Old school Street fighter games look pretty good with smooth animations and also fantastic backgrounds and a lot like anime compared to now which just doesn't look the same. Good in its own ways but different. You can have more things in a game with less "graphics" while looking super great while doing so. It wouldn't lessen the game and would make future versions of the game able to add more into the game as well. It would also add for many more things to be added as well. Which is really good since in general the game is supposed to be deep and not taking the game to look amazing means you can add more into it and allow for more cool things. Let's not get into the nitty gritty just yet because there are a few things I'd like to add. Let's take a step back to the roster. Let's say that they started off with just the first gen leading us to have a total of 9 different characters on the roster. That's not bad. This leaves us open to a ton of DLC and also alternate "costumes" to make our characters look better and more in line with who they want to be. The rosters itself would also have 9 unique characters with different strengths and weaknesses compared to a generic roster who is small but also kind of the same. You could also allow for a stage for every single type to shine through aesthetically. Sure we got some nice looking stages but imagine if we had one based on each type. A normal stage on a beach where it is sandy and has a nice tropical sunny feel to it. The only thing that would make that better is if the beach had some interaction to it. What matters in the game is the style of play. Pokken allows for arena battles as well as side to side battles. Both are fine but would make you have to specifically have one main style of art and dimensions. I think that side to side is better in 2d while arena I believe can only be in 3d. This to me means that we would have a side to side fighter but if for example we did get a 3d arena match then we would get hazards on the field. There was a play at doing so in the actual game where there would be spots where vines and other explosions pop up from the ground but imagine an actual 3d arena where you can get thrown into trees, or walk on hot lava spots or something akin to that. Imagine all the actual things you can do with moves such as spikes, or actual entry hazards. The game would take on more depth and allow for cooler fights. Even then having things in 2d isn't that bad. Having the ability to actually fight in a beautiful place with the character you want there allows for better visuals. The real shame is we could have gotten a battle area for every single type of Pokemon as well as a call back to the ???? typing where it would randomly choose a place to fight. This is all visual things that would make the game pretty but the real depth of it comes from how the game is constructed. That is by it being like actual normal main stream games. So what does it mean to

be a main stream game? Let's quantify to some degree what Pokemon is. It's a jrpg with the largest party roster ever. It's a simple one on one battle style but in essence you got the fighter, the ninja, the mage, and probably a few other things. They just sometimes look like eggs or a dinosaur. Either way roster is huge. The second thing is the simplicity of type matchess and even added abilities. Stats are also a part of the game while equipment and moves that you can customize out of a set list are also there. Personalities and breeding make their way into the game. There are so many things that you can do with normal Pokemon that just allows for the most unique playthrough of the game in any way you want and matches against real people have strategies and styles you might not find everywhere else. That is unless you're not playing random children and are playing adults who use the same stuff over and over except that one guy who used pachirisu but that guy is a maverick. So how would all this work? Simple. Just do the stuff they already do. Let's look at Pokken itself real quick. You have the attack and defense stats that in general make you deal or take less damage. You have your ultimate gauge and your support gauge. Pretty lack luster stuff seeing as we get more in the regular stats of Pokemon compared to it. We have special and regular attack. Special and regular defense. Speed and Lastly HP. That's where Pokken ends in customization. Lackluster in comparison as well when you look at all the stuff you can do in regular Pokemon to build a bond with it. So how do we build into the ultimate experience that we never got but wanted? Easily. Again just do like the game. Pokemon has a couple things that it does for you to customize your single little buddy to take on anyone. Let's look at those things. You have levels, types, items, breeding, evs/ivs, abilities, unique movesets, specific stats. That doesn't seem like much but having 8 different things to do with their own large amount of things is huge. To start with lets go with levels. Levels will be exactly that. They will increase the more you use a specific Pokemon. Not to say that the character would change and then have you start at a lower level, but in general you have the 100 levels and the stats on the character would grow to be that of what you finally get. You would also in PVP be matched up to an enemy of an equal level since you would have played that character and at least that long for that level to exist on the character you are using. This means that stats would also come into play. Stats would act like they normally do however moves would dictate that thing. Normal attacks would work with attack strength while special moves that you add onto your character would use the special stat. Not moves that are special attacks but any and every move. So extreme speed and thunderbolt would both use the special stat while a normal punch or kick would be your attack. This would make moves matter and make you want to make the move set how you would like it. Moves and customized move sets would be next on the list. This would allow for you to actually help your character and yeah this would mean that some characters are more optimal in some ways. If you wanted a move based machamp over an attacker than you have the choice and sure, some characters would be horrible with special attack but in the end all moves are special and would allow certain characters who are long range attackers such as Sirfetch'd who has a sword have to get closer to a machamp who uses focus blast to hit. This would allow for actual move customization too so that things such as toxicroak who uses poison moves to really shine since if we are making the moves than we would in general also wanna add the typings into the game as well. Types would allow for certain Pokemon to shine through more. Yes ghost fighting types would be busted, but thankfully there is only one and that would mean that you would want some anti ghost stuff on your character or it would make for you to have to actually

do normal attacks with a special attacker as they are even if named normal attacks not normal type. As in regular punches and kicks. Things like typing would also come into effect because that means the moves would be of the type and you can get added bonuses such as poisoning people and flinching and so on. Which means that abilities would be handy to fight certain people. If you play toxicroak then you are going to poison people with poison point. Which would go back to typing as an important thing since lucario is part steel. You could slow the opponent with electric moves. You could flinch enemies and so on. You have so many abilities to disrupt the enemy. This will make people go and make a huge deal on trying to perfect their roster of dudes they like to not only get skilled at them but also in general make them better. This is good because items and breeding are going to be a thing in the game. If ev's and iv's are in the game with breeding then that means you can actively max out a pokemon in ways you like. You can get points by winning fights and throw them onto a pokemon and just have like levels unlocked points for that pokemon. That way when you get good stuff for the process of breeding a new version of the character you get it in a way that actually benefits you when you choose a new nature and instead of having to grind even more each time you can just in general work hard while reasonably doing so. How would you get these items? That's simple. Either through constant grind which you are already doing or through mini games. Like the ones they had back in Pokemon stadium. People have wanted those again for such a long time. Even if they are small ones where it is training based it would be something fun to do to set off the monotony of grinding a better character all the time. So since everything is unique in that way how would the roster themselves work? It's big and it seems like we wouldn't be able to make them all 100% unique and as true as that is there is one thing to set them apart like you would in a normal fighting game compared to what it seems Pokken does. EVERY POKEMON HAS A UNIQUE FIGHTING STYLE BECAUSE THEY ARE FIGHTING TYPES. If we looked at the roster some of them are going to be in general a little strange but take it from the guy who is passionate about this idea that I can in some ways write down a style for each of them and that's just what I'm gonna do. Pikachu - Let's get the first and most obvious one out of the way and the most blatant problem in the only fighting type roster. Let's just say Pikachu libre was raised by some fighting types. Hawlucha to be exact and it got let in as an honorary member. It would be a fast attacker and have some good jump attacks. Primeape - A berserker style fighter who attacks very well but lacks real use of the special moves. It can still do them, but it may be open to failing. Like the trip mechanic in Smash cause fuck you it's funny. Poliwrath - A heavy hitter who does big attacks. Poliwrath doesn't have a style so much is just a big beefy dude. Would probably make him a little better at doing specials because of his lack of finesse and real inability to kick well. Machamp - Based on body builders and "able to know every fighting style" kinda makes machamp a little bit of an "eh" choice. Instead of making him fully aggressive and E Honda someone with 1000 punches we could also make him have special button inputs to pose and get power ups. This would make him actually stronger on specials if you wanted to do a special attacker or something else of the like. Hitmonlee - A kick boxer style where he would hardly use his hands. He would still be able to do special moves like the punches but in general this would mostly mean he would just kick normally and have extra blocks with his arms. Hitmonchan - If they can make steve fox do dodges with his feet then they can make hitmonchan the exact same way. Galarian Zapdos - Look, it's stupid that it is a fighting type but it is what it is. So let's just roll with it and say he does a lot of kicks.

Like can't really punch but would use his beak for pecks. They wouldn't be flying attacks but in general would allow for a little long range. Mewtwo - Our first non fighting type (not pikachu) to hit the scene and a real boss. See as much as Zapdos is a boss, Mewtwo would also in general be like the larger boss at the end. A real contender for difficult since his stats would push him a little over. The real threat is when you look at his mega form which would not require an item on the boss in the game and would allow him to not be stopped from this form. He also has a different move set meaning he is just in general a different fighter as well. You could also have it to where they don't even need the players to need to mega evolve and they just choose him. Heracross - This would be a little tricky as beetles generally just fling their enemy. He would probably have moves that did that while also being able to grapple well. His mega form would allow him to hit better like he normally does with multi hit moves and would probably have a better grab based move set. Hitmontop - Being short is its own special thing since he would be harder to hit with high attacks but he also has capoera style. Blaziken - Blaziken seems like it would be another strong boss in that it literally gets faster as the battle goes on and his mega does the same thing. It also has muay thai style fighting. Breloom - It's literally a kangaroo. It punches, it kickes really hard with its tail as support. It's a kangaroo. Hariyama - Besides Ehonda strikes it is also a sumo wrestler. So throws would be a thing it can do. Medicham - One of the more difficult to place styles. Its mega form would allow for also easy punch combos but I think this would be one of the more wonky styles of fighting. Each fighting game has a yoshimitsu style of fighter and I'm sure this would be it. Infernape - Monkey style kung fu. Loppuny - Loppuny is strange in that it is not a fighter. So it should have a generic not that strong looking style of fighting but when it mega evolves it learns Tai Bo and generic defense class style. Lucario - Also strange to place but could have something like Tai Chi or something of the like. Toxicroak - A dirty fighter and probably like that of a yakuza. Gallade - Would be really good at counters and uses a gentlemans style of fighting. Arceus - I don't know man, it's a horse. The people making the game would figure it out. Just steal the horse style from the JOJO fighting game or something. Emboar - Based on chinese symbols and also wrestling. This could be a grappler as well with a greco roman style and theme. Conkeldurr - This would have range over most of the others as well as strength, it would be slow moving but could swing fast. It also uses centripital force. Throh - It knows judo and would be good at grapples and blocks. Sawk - It knows karate and would be really good at strikes and counters. Scrafty - Would use headbutts and kicks. Nothing other than what it says since inner city youth generally don't have a fighting style. Mienshao - Shaolin style kung fu. Cobalion, Terrakion, Virizion - Each would have the same style of fighting. The difference being is Cobalion would have average speed and attack while terrakion and virizion would be slower or faster while weaker and stronger. Keldeo - Would have a style like the others but with some variations to it. It would be kind of bad in comparison as it is not as old and skilled but it's resolute form would make the style come together and make it better. Meloetta - Would have a buff system like Machamp but could also change style to allow it to do better at fighting but lose the ability to make buffs Chesnaught - It's a noble knight. Give it a graceful style that doesn't fit its huge armor or make it a power house. The choices are up to the developer at that point. Pangoro - Big punches and wild swings. Like Poliwrath but handles different. Hawlucha - Luchadore style wrestling, but has a high jump allowing for aerial attacks. Crabominable - Just punches. It

can't do anything else but it should have strong hard to stop punches. Bewear - Based on bear wrestling and bear hugs. It is your modern wrestler. Since we won't have incineroar in the game this would be the closest we get to WWE style of wrestling. Passimian - Tackles and moving. It's a football player. What else would it do? Kommo-o - Honestly this one eludes me since it just is a fighting type and I don't think it was inspired type wise by anything. Buzzwole - Just like Pangoro and Poliwrath. Would just be a big buff fighter. Pheromosa - Would be a kick fighter like Jenny from Bloody Roar 3. Marshadow - Since it mimics it would just be the random fighter each time. Grapploct - A grappler. Sirfetch'd - Uses his spear/sword for doing long range styles of poke. Shield would help block better. Also is small. Falinks - What could it do? I have no idea. Zamazenta - It has a normal non shield form, and it has a shield form. It could be slower in non shield mode but also when in shield mode be harder to hurt. Urshifu - Urshifu has 2 forms. One which would be single strike which is precise and accurate trying to end the fight in as few hits as possible meaning dealing more damage or something like that while rapid strike form could just be an unending combo like Maxi does in Soul Calibur 2. The real thing to know is that in general certain pokemon could have unique abilities not explained. Such as better blocks where they take less damage to no damage compared to other fighters or even more damage even if at the same number or other things like that, This would also make the boss battles more unique. That's mostly how the game would be made. At the end of the day we lost out on what could be the most deep fighter ever made. What saddens me more is that had we gotten this game it would have probably made Nintendo do better with their online services. Either way we will never know what truly could have been.

#pokken tournament #fighting games #nintendo #video games #gaming

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thesportssoundoff · 7 years ago

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“If you’re reading this, you’re going to watch this show anyways” A preview for the UFC’s return to Australia

Joey

November 12th, 2017

Oh boy. Well it's not always going to be loaded, is it? The UFC came into this show basically with two fights to build around which in the modern era is really all you need. If fans only care about the main event and the co-main event then sure! All you need is two fights, am I right? The problem, as if often times the case, is that these things fall apart easier than a Jenga tower. Mark Hunt was pulled due to concerns about his mental health and in his place came Fabricio Werdum. That's a more interesting fight FOR me but for Aussie fans, I'm willing to bet they were 1,000,000 times more interested in Hunt/Tybura than Werdum/Tybura. No big deal because the co-main event was pretty solid am I right? Well then Joanne Calderwood pulls out and our co-main is Bec Rawlings vs Jessie Rose Clark. Even though I believe Jessy Rose-Clark is UFC caliber (she's got that Val Letourneau record where she fought a lot of badasses early in her career), that's still not a co-main event caliber fight. Beyond that you have fights ranging in quality from decent action fights to Australian filler to "look we need at least 10 fights!" type stuff. It's really no different from last year's November Australia card which was ALSO ruined by injury. Sorry Aussies!

Fights: 13

Debuts: 4 (Shane Young, Nadia Kassem, Jessy Rose- Clark, Tai Tuivasa)

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 4 (Mark Hunt OUT, Fabricio Werdum IN vs Marcin Tybura/Joanna Calderwood OUT, Jessy Rose-Clark IN vs Bec Rawlings/Jeremy Kennedy OUT, Shane Young IN vs Alexander Volkanovski/Jesse Taylor OUT, Tim Means IN vs Belal Muhammad)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 6 (Fabricio Werdum, Marcin Tybura, Jake Matthews, Dan Kelly, Will Brooks, Anthony Hamilton)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 5 (Will Brooks, Jake Matthews, Bec Rawlings, Anthony Hamilton, Eric Shelton)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 3 (Belal Muhammad, Marcin Tybura, Alexander Volkanovski)

Stat Monitor for 2017:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 34-29)- Shane Young, Nadia Kassem, Jessy Rose- Clark, Tai Tuivasa, Adam Wieczrowek

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 20-31-1)- Fabricio Werdum, Shane Young, Jessy Rose-Clark, Tim Means

Second Fight (Current number: 24-35)- Ashkan Mokhtarian, Frank Camacho, Rashad Coultier

Cage Corrosion (18-11-1)- Alex Chambers, Bec Rawlings

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- Perhaps NO single relationship in the UFC is as tortured as the relationship between Dana White and Fabricio Werdum. Werdum was the guy who was supposed to lose to "the guy" but he's just kept winning and winning and winning and so on so forth. I wonder if Dana grew to like Werdum due to the fact that he's well spoken (more on that later) and ultra reliable to make it to fight night. They gave Werdum main events in Brazil, they hired him to be their lead Spanish color commentator, had a reality show with he and Cain etc etc. At the same time it feels like the two never really ever liked one another with Dana on two-three separate occasions giving Werdum the "That's nice but you should've finished the fight" speech to Werdum's Reebok comments which got him yanked off commentary duties. They built a stadium show around the legends of Brazil and Werdum was the one guy who came up short in humiliating fashion. Werdum's use of "maricon" is the sort of thing that is simply unacceptable for a major org. There are TWO major instances of Werdum being selective about his next fight (He turned down Stipe Miocic in a short notice fight and turned down Overeem similarly last year). Beyond all that though, Werdum's still a quality capable HW which the UFC needs. He's a proud Brazilian who can headline events which the UFC are in short supply of. What's more is dude stays busy. Last year he fought in May (after bowing out in February), September and was scheduled to fight in December. This year he's fought in July, October and now a month later in November. Dude STAYS active and that matters in today's UFC. They sort of need one another---and that's a pretty good way to describe this pairing at this point.

2- I wonder if Marcin Tybura is going to be a guy who is as valuable as a pseudo Russian (M-1 ties) than he will be as a Polish born HW.

3- I wonder if the move to 170 lbs is the equivalent of do or die for Jake Matthews. The Aussie is very young, talnted and he came into the UFC with a bevy of hype as potentially the BIG star from Australia. It has been an uneven ride thus far for Jake Matthews affter two submission wins over limited opposition. A loss to James Vick followed and since then? It's been uneven. He looked FANTASTIC vs Johnny Case but against Akhbar Arreola, Kevin Lee and Andrew Holbrook he just hasn't looked the same. He's powerful but when he's met by somebody who isn't going to be bullied, Matthews wilts. His striking has long been a problem and I don't think it's gotten any better recently. He has this propensity to duck and flail for a takedown when hurt which cost him vs Kevin Lee and James Vick. He's moving up in weight which might be a better move since perhaps cutting too much weight for his muscular frame could be a problem. Bojan Velickovic is a big burly welterweight who hits hard but has a propensity to getting taken down. It's fair matchmaking; pitting strength vs weakness for both fighters.

4- Jessy Rose-Clark has a 7-4 record which on paper makes you think she's probably not going to be something of another. I won't begrudge anybody for feeling that way BUT Pannie Kianzad was a top regional prospect when they faced off. She gave some problems to Sarah Kaufman and Pam Sorenson in decision losses and has wins over some undefeated prospects like Janay Harding. Her last time out she beat Carina Damm on like a week's notice which is a no joke type of win. I don't know if she'll beat Bec Rawlings BUT I think some people are going to be surprised.

5- No matter the country, Tim Means vs Belal Muhammad is a pretty solid fight. Means has a well earned reputation as a poor man's Matt Brown with his love of knees and elbows in all different types of set ups. Means has a well known reputation as a kill or be killed type of fighter but he showcased some restraint and poise in his last fight. On the other hand, Belal Muhammad has been a bit TOO poised in his more recent days. His offensive output tends to wane and he's gone away from some of the weapons which made him a promising prospect. That said, he's still tremendously gifted and both he and Means could create for some magic.

6- I think it speaks to the decline of Will Brooks that he's probably the best fighter on this card but he's sandwiched on the FS1 prelims between Ryan Benoit/Askhan Mokhtarian and Adam Wierowczek/Anthony Hamilton. Brooks' losses have been frustrating as he got outathlete'd vs Charles Oliveira and his fight vs Alex "Cowboy" Oliveira was a catchweight after Cowboy just showed up all kinds of out of shape. He SHOULD be able to run right through Nik Lentz but Brooks seems so hit or miss these days that you simply can't bet on anything anymore.

7- Reminder that Ryan Benoit iced Sergio Pettis and gave Brandon Moreno trouble in a close loss. The problem is that in a sea of about 10 flyweights resting outside the top 5 (Mighty Mouse, Benavidez, Cejudo, Pettis and Formiga), you have a bunch of guys just not fighting frequently enough or just fighting in nowhere's land on the card.

8- Dan Kelly vs Elias Thorodorou is your smoke break. Adjust your schedule accordingly. Two similar like minded fighters except one is 58 years old.

9- I'm glad to see Eric Shelton getting a third chance after two tough split decision losses vs established competition. There's nothing wrong with facing Alejandre Pantoja and Jarred Brooks and walking out with split decision losses. Jenel Lausa is a step backwards in reputation BUT his talent level can challenge Shelton.

10- I now I mention this all the time but I'm always happy when multiple flyweight fights are on the same card. I want this division to survive and thrive.

11- I don't know if Tai Tuivasa is going to be any good as a fighter but any under 25 year old heavyweight has my attention immediately.

12- It's not gonna win any beauty contests but Damien Brown vs Fran Camacho is a lock to be one of the wildest wackiest fights of the night. Slopfest of all slopfests right here, man.

Must Win

1- Tai Tuivasa

The UFC is bound to go to Australia at least once a year if not more so. Mark Hunt will be out of this organization sooner rather than later. A new Australian monster HW would almost immediately slot in #3 behind Robert Whittaker and Meagan Anderson as potential Australian drawing cards. Tuivasa could have a long time future in the UFC if he's even MODERATELY decent.

2- Jake Matthews

The clock is ticking on WHAT Jake Matthews is going to be in the UFC. What was a promising debut has slowly eroded into becoming just another guy in a crowded 155 to 185 lb universe. He's changing weight classes and getting a truly dangerous opponent in Bojan Velickovic. This could be a really interesting challenge for him.

3- Marcin Tybura

Until he decides not to, Fabricio Werdum will be in the UFC. He's too valuable. Now as it pertains to Tybura, this is the highest profile fight of his career. This isn't slumming it up on a UFC prelim slate, this is headlining in a much tougher fight than his original assignment. A win here and he becomes a major player in a division seeking younger big bodied dudes to take up spots.

You Should Watch These Fights

(Cuz ain't nothin' here must see)

1- Fabricio Werdum vs Marcin Tybura

2- Jake Matthews vs Bojan Velickovic

3- Rashad Coultier vs Tai Tuivasa

4- Ryan Benoit vs Askhan Mokhtari

5- Damien Brown vs Frank Camacho

#MMA #UFC #Australia #Fight Night #Tybura #Werdum

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ahouseoflies · 5 years ago

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The Best Films of 2019, Part IV

Part III, Part II, Part I PRETTY PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

62. Shazam! (David F. Sandberg)- One of the most comic-booky movies to come around in a while in the sense that it seems to be in fast forward for the first third, using shorthands because it has too much story to tell. I am sad to report that Shazam! has no Movie Stars in it, and I didn't realize how essential those were to the superhero genre. There is a cagey standalone quality to its modest bets though. I like that it's anchored in a real place and isn't afraid to be a little too scary for kids. I would see it mostly as a product of potential though, for a funny Jack Dylan Grazer, for the filmmakers, and for the studio. As a student of weird billing, I have so many questions about Adam Brody getting awarded fifth lead for a bit part.

61. Fighting with My Family (Stephen Merchant)- Dwayne Johnson as producer feels like the auteur here, since the formulaic story has more to do with his combed-over, please-everyone persona than with Stephen Merchant's more messy, improvisatory style. I couldn't care less about the time spent on Jack Lowden's brother character, but I was impressed with the physical part of Florence Pugh's performance. This is a movie you've seen a hundred times, but it hits most of its marks skillfully. 60. Spider-Man: Far From Home (Jon Watts)- This is a movie in which a spurned tech innovator uses drone projectors to stage a battle in which he defeats an elemental water monster to save Venice. The best sequence is one in which a boy tries to trick his friends into letting him sit next to the girl he likes on a flight. 59. John Wick: Chapter 3- Parabellum (Chad Stahelski)- What a criticism it is to claim that the filmmakers give in too much to fanservice, especially since I don't know what that word means anymore if something like this is the monoculture. So they gave us, the audience, what we wanted, and I was upset that it was two hours and ten minutes? Seriously though, have you ever eaten too much ice cream? 58. Fyre (Chris Smith)- An interesting yarn that gets at the foolishness of Internet influencing better than anything else that I've seen. I was surprised by how distant many of the subjects seemed, as if only the Big Bad Billy was responsible for any misleading. And I was grateful that, despite the level of criminality on display, it was still as funny as the tweets were at the time. The film lacks shape though, and it would be nice to have somebody smart on hand to answer questions. Can someone explain to me why it's so important that the island used to be Pablo Escobar's? Why should I want to be like Pablo Escobar? 57. Leaving Neverland (Dan Reed)- Part 1 works because of the striking similarities in the parallel stories, as well as the subjects' perspicacious understanding of their own emotions and childhood psychology. So Part 2 gets extremely frustrating when these men, who have already proven how articulate they are, seem puzzled by the obvious psychological problems they have as adults. 56. Diane (Kent Jones)- This movie is kind of good when it's purely slice-of-life, before it declares what it is. It's very good once it declares itself as a routine of self-flagellation, a sort of Raging Bull for women with multiple recipes for tater tot hotdish. It's a little less good when it speeds up and goes back on that thesis near the end. For the record, I think Mary Kay Place is fine. I don't get the critical adoration.

55. Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher)- If the choice is Bohemian Rhapsody or this, then I'll take this every time. Unlike the former, Elton John's life doesn't present an obvious high point in the second half or easy conflict for the first half. As a result, the relationships within John's family seem broad with manufactured conflict. (His birth father's hardness isn't that far off from Walk Hard's "wrong kid died.") But there's an authenticity here that's refreshing, a respect to the unique friendship between Elton and Bernie and a respect for the transformative power of the music. That sincerity extends to Egerton's generous performance, which nails the self-effacing Elton John smile. So there are some biopic structural problems that can't be helped, but if only to admire the '80s fits that Elton gets off, attention must be paid. 54. Triple Frontier (J.C. Chandor)- A useful example for differentiating between tropes and cliches of the action drama genre. For someone who gets less amped than I do for dudes meeting in a shipping container to have a conversation about how "now is the time to get out," it's probably full of cliches. For fans of hyper-masculine parables about getting a team together (that are also sort of meta-commentaries on their lead actor's fallen star), it's full of tropes. 53. The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (Mike Mitchell)- The plot is nearly incoherent, and the sequel isn't really satirizing anything like the first one was. But the jokes come at a Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker clip. A character in a car chase saying, "It's like she knows my every move" before a cut reveals he's been using turn signals? That's some Frank Drebin stuff. 52. Long Shot (Jonathan Levine)- Jonathan Levine has carved out an interesting directorial space for himself, with a career far different from what I imagined when I saw and loved The Wackness, a film to which I'm a little afraid to return. Levine is making, at the highest level possible ($40 million budget?), the types of movies that we claim don't get made anymore. A one-crazy-night Christmas comedy, an adventure comedy, and now a political romantic comedy, all with top flight Movie Stars. Long Shot seems like a rare opportunity to put Seth Rogen and Charlize Theron together and do something special, and what we come out with is...cute. For every good decision the film makes--what a supporting cast, all playing rounded characters--it makes a bad one--leaning too heavily into Rogen's patented "I don't really know what we're yelling about" delivery. The music is uninspired, but the presidential satire is pretty clever. The rhythm of the film is jagged and doesn't really cut together, but the script is very fair to the Theron character. Even in the general tone of the film's politics, it declares a few ideals, but those positions are still too neutral and obvious. I had a good time, but in a more capable director's hands, this experience wouldn't feel like math. 51. Isn’t It Romantic (Todd Strauss-Schulson)- So frothy that it almost doesn't believe in itself, especially near the end, but I found myself laughing a lot. Regarding the gay best friend, I'm very interested in the space of politically incorrect humor that is acceptable only because the work has built up self-awareness in other areas. That's a difficult negotiation, but this movie balances it. 50. Yesterday (Danny Boyle)- There's one twist that stretches the moral center of the film, and two minutes later there's a twist that's probably just a bridge too far in good taste. Other than that, this is a really cute Richard Curtis script, and it's nice to hear "Hey Jude" on movie speakers. 49. Ready or Not (Radio Silence)- Short and spicy, despite one or two too many twists. I'm in the front row of the Adam Brody Revival, but I appreciated the movie more as an exercise in the paranoid misery built into wealth. I wish I could have written the line down, but Alex says something like, "I didn't realize how much you could do just because your family said that it was okay," and that's the whole film. If you can, see it without watching the trailer first.

48. The Laundromat (Steven Soderbergh)- Mary Ann Bernard is a Steven Soderbergh pseudonym, but what if he did hire an outside editor? What if someone saved him from himself? It's hard to believe that Meryl Streep is the heart of the film--if the film's thesis is "The meek will inherit the Earth?"--if we go on a twenty-minute detour to an African family and a ten-minute detour to China. I laughed quite a bit, and I admire the audacity of the ending. But this is a movie that knows what it's about without knowing how to be about it.

47. High Flying Bird (Steven Soderbergh)- As a person who can cite most NBA players' cap figures off the top of my head, I should love High Flying Bird, a movie about a sports agent who tries to topple the system during an NBA lockout. Instead I liked it okay. It takes an hour to kick into high gear, but once it does, some self-contained scenes are powerhouses, and the writer of Moonlight was always going to provide an emotional kick that is sometimes absent from Soderbergh's work. Like Soderbergh's Unsane from last year, High Flying Bird is shot on an iPhone, an appropriate form given that the execution is a do-it-yourself parable that takes place mostly inside. Soderbergh is a man who has always tried to trade the ossified system of moviemaking for experimentation, so most reviews have pointed toward the meta quality of capturing a character doing that same thing in another medium. Like most of his post-retirement work, however, I find myself asking one question: "Would anyone care if this were made by another director?" 46. Piercing (Nicolas Pesce)- Good sick fun with a taste for the theatrical. I saw twist one and twist three coming, but twist two was ingenious. It ends the only way it can, which is okay. 45. Booksmart (Olivia Wilde)- At first the film is hard to acclimate to, stylized as it is into a very specific but absurd setting, counteracted by a very specific and realistic relationship. The music cues are all awful until the Perfume Genius one, which is so perfect that it erases the half-dozen clunkers.But it's smartly funny, funnily warm, and warmly smart. The screenplay does some clever things with swapping the protagonists' wants and needs at crucial times. Molly will have an obvious drive that overrides Amy's fear, and then a few scenes later, there will be an organic reversal. 44. Joker (Todd Phillips)- Joker presents more ideas than it cogently lands. I don't disagree with Amanda Dobbins's burn that it feels more like a vision board than a coherent story. Still, its success kind of fascinates me. This dark provocation, shot on real locations, has way more in common with Phoenix entries like You Were Never Really Here than it does with the DCEU. In fact, the comic book shoehorns feel like intrusions into a story about a guy who likes to Jame Gumb skinny-dance. Dunk on me if you want, but I think it's most eerie and affecting as a portrait of mental illness. Whereas Joker is a criminal mastermind in Batman lore, this is a guy helpless enough to scrawl into a notebook, "The worst part about having a mental illness is pretending to people that you don't." And that idea gets borne out in a scene in which he's pausing and rewinding a tape to study how a talk show guest sits and waves like a regular person. It's rare enough to see a person this mentally ill depicted on screen; it's even rarer to see someone this aware of his own isolation and otherness.

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afilitaria · 7 years ago

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truth game thing~!

Got tagged by @caffeinated-clutter! THANKS A LOT RAYN

-snips to undercut because ahaha idk-

1.Nickname: AHAHA I DON’T KNOW. Twitter people tend to call me Lugh and Discord people call me Aurelis. Hard to tell.

2. Bias: ?? I have no idea what bias this refers to in specific?

3. Blood Type: I have no idea!

4. Relationship Status: Taken by a fictional character bYE

5. Birthday: March 15

6. Zodiac Sign: Pisces

7. Pronouns: He/Him

8. Hair Length: Long, more often than not tied back for convenience

9. Height: 150cm~ ish

10. A crush: don’t get me started because I will climb to the highest rooftop in Armoroad to scream that I love Kujura- I mean what. Hahaha.

11. What do you like about yourself: I dunno. I have a habit of brave clearing games. That’s something I’m kinda proud of? (Brave clear being a term from the SN series: clearing bosses or stages when well under the recommended level.)

12. Right or left handed: right handed!

13. List three favorite colors: Blue red, yellow

14. Right now eating: nothing. pls help i’m hungry

15. Right now drinking: nothing, but I’d kill for water rn;;;

16. I’m about to: ...probably do like 5 minutes worth of schoolwork and then play eov more

17. Listening to: Mili’s Miracle Milk

18. Kids: *pulls out 3DS* look at my children *points at OCS*

19. Get married: *pulls out 3DS* look at my husband *points at Kujura*

20. Recent phone call: Coworker asking where the heck I am. Overslept for last shift //cries

21. Have you ever dated someone twice: I haven’t dated at all. How do I do it twice if I haven’t done it once.

22. Been cheated on: Nope!

23. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope.

24. Lost someone special: Yeahhhhhh, don’t go there

25. Been depressed: Oh lookit it me

26. Been drunk and thrown up: Haven’t had a drop of alcohol ever;;

27. Had glasses or contacts: Nope!

28. Had sex on a first date: No??? Hopefully never???

29. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no but I remember this one time a classmate offered me chocolates and me being me I had no idea it was February 14th because I don’t keep track of time. I still feel kind of bad even though it was like... 3 years ago?

30. Turned someone down: Erm, yeah. Again, don’t go there.

31. Cried when someone died: Nope.

32. Fallen for a friend: Nope.

33. In the last year have you made a new friend: Yep!

34. Fallen out of love: Ah... a lot.

35. Laughed until you cry: ahaha... a lot

36. Met someone who changed you: Mostly for worse tbh. Every once in a while I meet that one friend who ends up just backstabbing me for no good reason.

37. Found out who your true friends were: LMAOOOOOOOO

38. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t really care too much

39. Lips or eyes: Eyes

40. Hugs or kisses: Hugs

41. Shorter or taller: Shorter

42. Romantic or spontaneous: ...I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a horrible hopeless romantic.

43. Sensitive or loud: Neither?

44. Hookup or relationship: Ehhhhhh

45. First best friend: Don’t remember

46. Surgery: ...removing impacted wisdom teeth I guess

47. Sports: //sighs because I miss my shinai and kendo classes

48. Do you believe in yourself: No not really

49. Miracles: Nope

50. Love at first sight: look here I detested Kujura when I first met him now I’m horribly infatuated with him what do you think

51. Heaven: Nope

52. Do you have any pets: ...no :(

53. Do you want to change your name: My real name? Yeah. I hate it.

54. What did you do for your last birthday: I remember doing an all nighter because I had homework due again... so... deja vu

55. What time did you wake up today: *wakes up at 6am* *falls asleep again* *wakes up at 8am* *falls asleep again after emailing professor that I’m too ill to come to class* *wakes up at 10am* *starts playing eov*

56. What were you doing last night at midnight: crying over Kujura, actually,

57. Something you can’t wait for: EO3U EO3U EO3U (also EO4U and EMD3)

58. Last time you saw your mom: 2 hours ago, more or less

59. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life: for starters I’d like to have been born as earthlain royalty

60. What’s getting on your nerves: Kujura is so young compared to Flowdia and Gutrune. i mean it’s completely plausible that he wasn’t even born during the events of the Armoroad Calamity so the only real reason he cares is his insanity and because his role as Enforcer is basically a family honor, and the former being induced by Youtou Nihiru is possibly Gutrune, Seyfried, Flowdia or whoever else’s fault having given it to his ancestor which is totally unfair wHY IS THIS ONE SAMURAI DUDE MIXED UP IN THE WAR BETWEEN ROBOTS AND ALIENS

[unfortunately, idk who to tag, but feel free to do it if you feel like it]

#tagged #long post #LMAO thanks rayn

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comfortmarvelimagines · 6 years ago

Note

4, 5, 9, 11, 13, 16, 18, 23, 29, 49, 43, 50, 51, 53, 57, 58, 72, 93. sorry i know it’s a lot but i’m super indecisive

holy shit thank you !!! i kinda want a distraction rn so this is perfect

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

going off what they said to my mum at parent-teacher interviews, i was disobedient (i’d finish my work quickly, go back to reading my book, and then refuse to do any additional work), too loud (i had no idea how to regulate my voice volume), and had no social skills (this actually happened. what was supposed to be a 10 minute conference turned into half an hour of the teacher telling my parents how behind i was, and my dad yelled at me for it when he got home bc ‘how i act reflects on him’. i was 10 years old).

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i don’t drink soda bc i don’t like the bubbles + sweetness, but when i drink water n occasionally juice i like glass cups. i reuse old candle jars as cups so they’re thick and i like when theyre cooler than plastic

9. favorite smell in the summer?

fruit !!!! i love mangoes and bananas and nectarines and passionfruit and when im cutting them up in the morning and i smell them OOFT i am a happey. my friend got me a fruit candle so i can smell it whenever i want now !

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

realistically, nothing. my routine this year is WHACK and its different on different days and apparently, according to my brain, if there’s no time for it on one day then there’s time for it on 0 days. throw in the fact that im still trying to recover from my ED and its a fun mess. that being said, this morning i made myself eat; i had banana, blueberries, strawberries, a blueberry bagel with peanut butter and some coffee (and maybe it was the only thing i ate today besides some veggies for dinner but it was before 10am hence breakfast)

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard. my keys are on a smashCon lanyard from last year, with a bunch of pins bc my pins kept falling off my bag

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cross legged (except its more like a lotus pose, im way too hypermobile). idk if its a sensory/autism thing, but i absolutely cannot sit with my legs flat on the floor, and i dont really like chairs at all. i like my desk chair though bc its kind of like a bucket seat, and i chose it specifically bc its a perfect size for me to cross my legs comfortably and be able to work at my desk

18. ideal weather?

sunny, but not too sunny. slight warm breeze. not so bright that there’s glare. around 21-25 degrees celsius.

23. strange habits?

dude. i’m autistic w a bunch of other mental health and just a fucken weird personality. i got strange habits from the second i wake up to the second i go to bed

29. best way to bond with you?

accept me as i am. understand that there are some things i do differently, especially in regards to communicating. be patient and try to learn how i connect. i promise i’m trying to meet you on your level, but you gotta meet me on mine, or else you’re gonna get the facade i put up so people will tolerate me

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

HOODIE. i love having things on my head, so when im overwhelmed, hoodies are my substitute blanket. i’m also really picky when it comes to materials and i especially dont like anything too stiff, but i did recently buy a denim jacket that’s pretty soft so i’m trying to get used to that

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i don’t really have one?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

probably something dumb that my dog’s done. he does dumb shit all the time. for example: yesterday, he was licking things when he thought i wasn’t looking (he doesn’t understand the concept of peripheral vision its p funny). i told him not to lick my brother’s guitar, which is just hanging on the wall bc he doesn’t actually play it, and its covered in dust. leon licked the guitar, and then acted all indignant that he got a mouthful of dust and stood by his waterbowl until i turned on the tap, bc apparently bowl water isn’t good enough for my princess of a dog. this is super off track but basically, my dog is really silly and he makes me laugh and i love him a LOt

51. current stresses?

uni, the fact that i’m currently exhausted and burnout from my jobs and volunteering and study, the fact that im super isolated socially, i feel like im not good enough for my course and i dont deserve a place in it, and the fact that my mum wants me to go to the dentist but dentists are absolute hell for me and i just. cant deal w that right now

53. what is the current state of your hands?

really short nails, and callouses on my four left fingers from strings (the short nails are also bc i scratch myself). the fingers on my left hand are stronger than my right, and i have three crooked fingers from when i broke them in separate incidents in HS. i have indents from bite marks on my left hand. my hands are super cold, not just bc its winter but they always seem to run colder than everyone else. they’re also really dry, a combination of winter and the fact that the packaging that my work uses in stock boxes makes them dry ? its really weird + also bad stim

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hhhhhhhi wouldn’t say i’ve fully ‘overcome’ all of these but 1. making it through high school and living to be an adult- i’d always assumed i’d be dead by 16. i spent most of high school suicidal and without appropriate help. 2. performance anxiety. this sounds dumb, but mastering this has allowed me to pursue the degree i always thought was a pipe dream, an impossibility. i’m in a place now where i’m doing what i want, something i care about, and i actually don’t regret waking up every morning because of it. 3. managing to navigate things like the crowded city, buses, work and classrooms every day. i’m a massively sensory avoidant person. post high school, i literally didn’t physically leave the house from a combination of depression but also not wanting to deal with overstim when it wasn’t strictly necessary. on one hand, i know im pushing myself a bit, esp when i get physically sick from being constantly overstim with no breaks during the week, but i’m also proud of myself for trying to manage these things now instead of doing everything in my power to avoid them

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i’m good at looking after my dog, and loving my dog (and he loves me back so a talent worth having. i think im good with most dogs but ESPECIALLY my dog). i’m creative; i’m a musician, i’m a visual artist, i write, i’m constantly coming up with things. my brain is good at finding connections and memorising content just by understanding. i dont really think i have anything else

72. worst subject?

MATHS. my hs made me take it all the way to year 12 and i absolutely fucken failed it (im not kidding in year 10 my highest mark on a test was 38% and it really didn’t improve from there)

93. nicknames?

charles, and basically any way you can wrongly pronounce my name (e.g, chorlie)

#charlie answers #Anonymous

0 notes

junker-town · 8 years ago

Text

‘The Bachelor’ episode 4 recap: The women shovel cow poop, Raven once beat up a doctor with a stiletto, Corinne is still a menace

They go to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin and things get real.

Welcome to Week 3 of The Bachelor. We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. Here is last week’s recap.

The Bachelor is technically a show about a man trying to find a woman. But you know what The Bachelor is really about? Women.

You know what else was recently about women? The women’s marches across the world that took place last weekend. You know who went? Nick Viall (is Nick Viall woke?)

Anything done peacefully in solidarity is something I can stand behind. Cheers to the women of the world! #equality #WomensMarch

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 21, 2017

I went to a march, too, in D.C. (after I made Corinne’s nanny’s Cheese Pasta) with friends and friends of friends. The friends of friends were absolutely rad and are now my new best friends, so we are all watching The Bachelor together tonight.

First, though, we went out to dinner and drank several bottles of rosé, because that’s what you do before you watch The Bachelor, which I have renamed The Women’s March Part II. I lost track of time, which is how I found myself sprinting through a city at 7:58 p.m. one minute and 30 seconds after finishing a fairly large truffle-infused cheeseburger.

I’m a little worried I might throw up now, but I made it in time, so let’s do this.

(Side note: You guys should all totally watch the Facebook live show First Impressions tomorrow at noon where I recap The Women’s March Part II with Liz Plank of Vox and Rebecca Jennings of Racked. Here’s last week’s episode, in case you missed it.)

VANESSA DUNKING ON NICK, CONTINUED

The show opens with the second half of the conversation that Nick and Vanessa had at the end of last episode, where Vanessa was like “cut the crap, bad hombre, or I’m gonna go nasty woman on your ass.”

Nick — and I’m paraphrasing here — is essentially like, okay, yes, I get where you might be upset that I dry humped another woman in a bouncy house, but this show is hard.

Then Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite two minutes per episode. This dude must be the highest earner per-second of any white man in the nation, which is saying something. Also, he always looks like he’s wearing a shirt (usually gingham) that he ordered online and has just taken out of the packaging. I can almost smell the starch from here.

Chris Harrison tells the women there will be a rose ceremony, and I wonder if he has any other words in his vocabulary besides “ladies” and “rose” and “ceremony.”

CORINNE INTERVENTION, PART I

This part is kind of boring, but the women are basically like, “Hey, Corinne, you’re immature and privileged.” And she’s like, “I am in no way privileged,” and I’m like, “I don’t think Corinne knows what the word privileged means.”

She’s so drunk, always.

ROSE CEREMONY/BOUNCY HOUSE CONTROVERSY

The producers must’ve had a bet going to see how many times they could get the women to say the words “bouncy house,” because the contestants say it at least 30 times in five minutes. They’re very disappointed in the tomfoolery that went on in that inflatable castle and they all want Nick to send Corinne home.

But he doesn’t. He asks her to accept a rose with her privileged fingers, and she does.

Everyone's like, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

"It's seems like she's rubbing some of the girls the wrong way." - @chrisbharrison Maybe a bit...#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/e4j2jD9cSW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

And I’m like, “Of course he did!” Corinne makes for great TV and Nick wants to have sex with her. Why would he send her home? I don't even think the producers are making him hold onto her. He’s smart enough to know he needs drama for ratings because he’s been on this show 14,000 times before. Corinne is, if nothing else, drama (and also sex).

WE ALL HAVE TO GO TO MILWAUKEE NOW, UGH

Nick is from Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wisconsin, which is a town near Milwaukee. So he’s like, “We’re going to Milwaukee!”

I wonder if ABC slashed the budget for this season, because Wisconsin isn’t the first place I’d think to take a group of women for sexy time. But Nick’s leaning into the whole “wholesome dude” thing, so I guess he wants to jump right in and take some women home to meet the folks. Again, not generally what I would do on a third date, but I’m also single, so maybe I should try it.

Speaking of burgers: They have these things in Milwaukee called butter burgers, where they put a huge piece of butter on the bun that melts all over the burger, and it’s incredible. I hope they eat those on the show.

youtube

Nick and his parents have lunch together and cry a lot.

A pep talk from Mom and Dad is worth a million roses. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/RRceJVd0Kt

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

DANIELLE L.’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A NEIGHBORHOOD BAKERY

Nick and nail salon mogul Danielle L. go on a date to Nick’s hometown bakery. My friend Callie is like, “Is Nick wearing a henley?” And I’m like, “Yeah, he always wears henleys.”

I find henleys to be among the least attractive shirt options for men. Nick is lucky that I’m not on his season or I’d be like, “Will I accept this rose? Only if you accept the fact that you need to stop wearing henleys for this to work.”

On the date, they’re frosting cookies, and Danielle L. tries to draw Nick on a cookie but he ends up looking like a squid instead. My new best friends and I all agree that the reason Nick didn’t try to draw Danielle L. is because he would’ve just drawn two boobs and the bottom of her chin and been like, “oops, ran out of room!”

Ah, num num num! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/sX3CXtVMhR

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

This room collectively goes, “Ewwww!” when Nick and Danielle lick the frosting off each other’s fingers.

Then Nick and Danielle L. run into this woman named Amber, one of Nick’s exes, whom the producers definitely didn’t plant in the window of that coffee shop at the exact right time. They all have some fake awkward conversation and we move on.

Danielle L. and Nick go on an evening date where Danielle L.’s boobs are the star of the show. Danielle L. tells Nick that her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced. Which is ... not a personal flaw, but OK.

Then they go to a country concert featuring some lame-ass, bro-ass country band I’ve never heard of and that Danielle L. probably hasn’t ever heard of either but has to pretend to be excited about. They make out in front of a lot of people.

"She got a smile that makes your worst day feel like your birthday." @iamchrislane #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/061HlPq9nq

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

My friends Callie and Louisa suggest we play a game called “Are They Settling?” in which we have to decide if the women would be settling if they ended up with Nick. Settling is a great way to up the odds that a guy won’t cheat on you. We think Danielle L. might be settling.

DATE CARD

Back at the house, the women find out that Raven got the second one-on-one date. A bunch of the women are holding hands and I’m like, “See? The Women’s March Part II is all about female friendship!” and my new best friends and I all clink our glasses of wine.

SHITTY GROUP DATE

This is literally a shitty date, because they’re shoveling piles of manure at a dairy farm. They’re also milking cows. This is Real America, folks.

All the women are wearing white pants even though they admit that the producers told them not to wear white pants. They’re also wearing blankets — maybe they’re actually scarves or sweaters, but they all look like they raided the home section of an Anthropologie, grabbed the nearest rug, and tossed a belt around it. Nick, to his credit, is not wearing a henley, but he is wearing an Aaron Rodgers/Big Lebowski sweater.

It's a little early for trick-or-treating, but Aaron Rodgers went as The Dude anyway after last night's game. http://pic.twitter.com/UhH2DVljzG

— SB Nation (@SBNation) October 21, 2016

“This is the worst date I’ve ever been on,” says Corinne. “I need sushi.”

Never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Corinne. We all decide that Corinne would not be settling if she ended up with Nick.

Corinne is SO in danger of being lassoed by an unimpressed cowgirl right now. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/7dduHYbfa2

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

SHITTY GROUP DATE, NIGHT

All the women are talking trash about Corinne. Vanessa gives Nick a scrapbook filled with pictures of herself looking super pretty, goofy, and relatable that “her students” (she’s a special needs teacher as well as the most beautiful woman in the world) made for him but that she definitely just made herself.

Kristina and Nick are vibing. He’s like, “I love watching you,” which is creepy. She just kind of looks at him and smiles, so she’s probably a Russian spy sent by Putin. Hello, CIA? You may want to keep an eye on this chick.

Sarah asks Corinne, “Do you think you’re ready to marry a 36 year-old-man? I don’t see you meeting his maturity level. I would love to hear from you if you think you are.”

Corinne, in a confessional to the camera, is like, “I’ll show you mature,” and grabs her boobs, and I’m like, “Doesn't scream maturity to grab your boobs and smush them together on national television but who am I to judge.”

And then Corinne delivers the best line of the night:

“I know you were really upset for me falling asleep that day. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap.”

She then says that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps, and honestly I can’t prove her wrong.

Perhaps the greatest reaction GIF in Bachelor history. You're welcome! Thanks Vanessa! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/qVgIAdup3k

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A YOUTH SOCCER GAME WHICH ISN’T WEIRD AT ALL

Raven and Nick go to Nick’s little sister Bella’s youth soccer game. Bella — who is now 11 years old, I’m guessing — has been on every season of The Bachelorette that Nick has been on, and I’m pretty sure that’s enough cause to call the social workers in Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin.

Raven meets Nick’s parents. Nick’s mom looks like Kate Gosselin did a Snapchat face-swap with Robin Wright Penn. Things are a little awkward, but I don’t know how you could expect them not to be when you meet a guy’s parents on the first date you have alone with him surrounded by camera crews.

We really just spent most of the date eating orange slices #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/aDbYrOma9U

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 24, 2017

Much like the producer’s “how many times can they say bouncy house” game, they seem to be doing the same thing with “hometown,” because Nick says it every other word. It’s like Morse code: “Hey (hometown) Bella, (hometown) great (hometown) game (hometown)!”

Then they all go to an arcade and go rollerblading. Bella’s eaten a lot of candy so her tongue is totally blue.

Nick’s henley (but not the same one he wore on his Danielle L. date) is very unbuttoned and it looks like he’s oiled up his shaved chest. He and Raven make out at the roller rink.

So kiss me! Raven and Nick on a great skate date! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/l5sbQaJjJy

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S BEST STORY EVER

The night part of Raven and Nick’s date is cool, because it’s in the Milwaukee Museum of Fine Art, which is a dope-looking building. Raven gets vulnerable and tells Nick about her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She says that someone told her that her ex-boyfriend — who was a doctor — was sleeping with a nurse while he was dating Raven. So her mom was like, “Go to his house.”

Raven had a key, so she did. The bedroom door was locked, so she kicked it open. My friends and I stop talking because we can tell this is about to get good.

Raven says her boyfriend “was on top of [the nurse], full-on thrusting.” She also says, “I know what her vagina looks like,” and Nick tries to be cool, but his face is like, WHOA!

Then Raven says she beat her ex in the head with a stiletto and the room erupts. We’re all like, “HELL YEAH RAVEN! Way to beat up your cheatin' ex with a stiletto!”

Here is a live look at Raven from that night:

My friend Liz is like, “Most women dream of beating a man with a stiletto. Raven has has lived most women’s dreams.”

I couldn’t agree more, Liz. I ride for Raven. She and Nick rollerblade out of the museum like the end couplet of a beautiful sonnet.

TAYLOR AND CORINNE GO AT EACH OTHER

The end of the episode is basically just Taylor and Corinne passive-aggressive-ing each other, and I’m honestly pretty bored by all of it. Taylor, who is 23 and somehow has a masters from Johns Hopkins in psychology, is trying to mess with Corinne by throwing around words like “emotional intelligence.” Corinne is like, “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company.”

I don’t believe Corinne on either count, but I do think she’s wily, and I wouldn’t underestimate her.

A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF THOUGHTS

We didn’t see enough of Danielle M., Vanessa, or Rachel, all of whom are still my front-runners (and all of whom would be settling).

Raven is now my front-runner for Most Badass.

Corinne's eyes remind me of Jack Nicholson's in The Shining.

My friend Louisa brought up a good point, which is that this show provides contestants with tons of free deli meat, which is her biggest expense.

Dates on The Women’s March Part II are funny, because you just talk about the past few minutes of the date, so you never talk about anything besides talking about what you talked about, so it becomes this endless loop of discussing feelings about nothing.

They made Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin look exotic. Turns out all you have to do to spruce up a barn is put some floral arrangements on bales of hay and fill the place with candles. Seems like a fire hazard to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor.

Next week we have to deal with more Corinne-Taylor drama bullshit when they go on a double date with Nick from which only one can return.

Corinne will obviously return.

The saddest part of this show — and the most real — is when women get sent home in the rose ceremonies in the first four or five episodes. Because at that point, their sadness doesn’t really have to do with Nick; it has to do with the fact that they just want to be loved, and going on the show was a fun way not to have to be single in the real world for a little bit.

And all these women just want to be loved! I wish I could reach through my TV, take their hands, and say, “Just go to a women’s march. You’ll find so many new best friends that you won’t even think about professional Bachelor-goer-oners like Nick.”

At least it worked for me.

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