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thewalrusespublicist · 15 days ago

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"Tbh I was starting to feel a bit down about my blog and what I was putting out ( the eternal crisis on how to give full answers and opinions without being stupid, boring and annoying lol)"

OMG no way! Your blog is one of the best here! What i love the most is reading the analysis and meta from the users, there's always more information and good takes, and yours are always quite deep and insightful.

I would love if you share your opinions about Stuart as well. I feel like he is obviously more sanctified that he should be since he died young (like that insane quote from his mom saying that Brian told her that Stuart could have been the Beatles' manager, no way lol) and i feel his memory has been used to attack Paul, sometimes in a very unfair way. Like, i don't deny the teenage drama and jealousy that Paul felt about him but he *was* a shitty bass player and the band was Paul's future, he was allowed to criticized him not only for being John's new bestie. I also think John played with them both but i lack of your eloquence so i will love to read your take about it.

Hi anon! And the other anons!

Thank you again and to all the other messages I got, they were extremely sweet and really made my day. :)

From my inbox, it's clear you guys want to know about Stu and his role in the Beatles legacy. Well you asked for it and a novel you shall have. Be warned this might be the longest post I've done so grab like a drink or something.

A few disclaimers: I wish and had intended for this to be more of a deep dive into Stu as a whole person rather than just his relationship with John and Paul. Unfortunately I just didn't have the space to do it. If you want to know more about Stu I would highly recommend @eppysboys' blog which is the source for all things Stu Sutcliffe and where I got a lot of this info. Please check their stuff out. Also, I'm going to be a bit blunter on this than maybe I usually am because this topic has been irritating me for some time. Oh also I’m trying my best to answer a lot of asks in one post so please forgive if I don’t fully answer your specific ask about this!

Stu in a perfect world should be a fandom darling: an exciting cipher, a handsome artistic talent that died way too soon who had a major influence in the early Beatles style. It's like there’s this secret other James Dean looking mf Beatle hidden away to uncover, that's cool and he is cool! The problem is that he’s sort of becomes radioactive to talk about in a normal way due to how he's been portrayed and utilised in some biographies and fandom spaces, particularly those that have been infected by John Lennon aspirational boy bestie syndrome. As those types of spaces cannot seem to exist without tearing down Paul to prop John up as their special lil guy, Stu as John's other best friend has become the ideal heavy object to hit Paul McCartney over the head with. It's like a corrosive element, the minute Stu hits a Beatles bio, the biographer suddenly loses all training in objectivity and source work and starts waxing lyrical about 100 percent reliable never biased or wrong Saint Stu of Hamburg who died for our condom arson sins and that Paul McCartney should feel bad about every day of his life for not worshipping Stu and not accepting his own ‘place’ in life as John's just-some-guy placeholder best friend. I’ve personally seen so many posts and forums where Stu being mentioned leads to a legion of comments about how Paul could never have been Stu (correct both ways) and how John would never have even glanced at Paul for much longer if Stu had been alive. Sidenote: If you seriously think that the musical savant from down the road whom John went on to produce the most prolific song writing partnership in history with couldnt have kept his attention for long then I'm begging you on hands and knees to get your head out of the arse of your John Lennon body pillow and be serious. But anyway…

This boy bestie battle royale approach has in turn lead to a reflex reaction where Stu gets studiously ignored by other sections of the fandom as a precedent has been set that shining a light on him diminishes Paul and John's relationship with Paul. It's frustrating because if people weren't so keen to cut Paul out of his own story then we would get a much better nuanced view of every single person involved.

So let's put aside all of our defenses, cut the John Lennon loved one ranking system bullshit and lets look at the actual question here which is what was John and Stu's relationship really like and what did he mean to John?

John and Stu met at art college a year or so after Paul and John met. Up to that point John and Paul had their fun little codependant thing going on but Stu quickly became a huge fixture in John's life. Stu had things that Paul couldn't really offer at that point in time. John was at his heart a musician who aspired to be seen as an artist (he would later express surprise that he didn't become an artist). Stu was the passionate artist who knew tons about the art of the period that could teach and inspire John. Their creative leanings meant they could work on projects together and share art notebooks and poetry. (Including yes the one with anti-semitic story which I mention again as I believe it's an important thing to remember when it comes to both John and Stu and the culture of the time.) Stuart by the sounds of it was even writing a novel about John at the time of his death. They were fascinated and inspired by each other.

So, creatively they fired each other up but more importantly perhaps, Stu and John were peers. It's funny to think about when you see the Beatles later but at the time Paul and George were the kids in their school uniform coming to see their cool older friend at art school. That's an important divide. When Paul and George's parents insisted their kids do their homework and go to bed, John and Stu could stay up and talk all hours of the night, which they did. They also could rent a place together and spend long hours chatting (despite John moving out later after realising electricity cost money lol.) There's a different dynamic that the age similarity offered as well. Whilst Paul would later somewhat grow into this role, Stu could act as an authority figure to John as well as open up to John in a way you can really only do with your peers. Stu was the person John opened up to throughout Stu's life:

How long can one go on writing and writing like you. I now don’t really know who I’m writing to or why it’s quiet peculiar. I usually write like this and forget about it but if I put it in a little part of my [almost?] secret self in the hands of someone miles away who will wonder what the hell is going on or just pass it off as toilet paper. Anyway I don’t care really what happens because when I think about it, it’s so bloody unimportant – but what is important who has the right to say that this letter is not important and this is a something any way – anyway – anyway – yeah! I wonder what it would be like to be a cretin or something. I bet it’s gear. & how are you keepin Stuart old chap are you as ok – is life as good – bad shite, great – wonderful as it was or is it just a thousand years of nothing and coolness on and on and on. I think this is it Goodbye Stu don’t write out of – er what is it? well not because you think you ought to write when you feel like So goodbye (from John you know the one with glasses) ANYWAY BYE BYE see you soon I don’t know why I said that I remember a time when everyone I loved hated me because I hated them so what so what so fucking what I remember a time when belly buttons were knee high when only shitting was dirty and everything else clean + beautiful I can’t remember anything without a sadness So deep that it hardly becomes known to me so deep that its tears leave me a spectator of my own STUPIDITY + so I go rambling on with a hey nonny nonny nonny no

Extract from a letter to Stuart Sutcliffe from John Lennon, 1961

By lots of accounts Stu was gentle but firm when it came to telling John he'd gone too far. John references this aspect of Stu to Hunter Davies:

"I looked up to Stu. I depended on him to tell me the truth. Stu would tell me if something was good and I'd believe him."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

In this way I kind of see Stu as a proto-Yoko. John was so insecure and uncertain about his grip on the world and reality that he relied on Stu to be his point of reference and guide. Paul did this too later and I think in Hunter Davies John mentions this, but not at this time period and not as much due to their competitiveness. This may be why some people saw Stu as the person that really understood John at this time period:

"During the turbulent adolescence that prefaced a turbulent manhood, hardly anyone knew Lennon as intimately as Stuart Sutcliffe. If they weren't exactly David and Jonathan, June Furlong, one of the life models at Liverpool's Regional College of Art, had "never seen two teenagers as close as those two."

The Gospel According To Lennon by Alan Clayson

Now this person likely never met John and Paul together but this is only one of many similar quotes and even Julia captain of John and Paul's friendship boat seems to agree there was a period where Stu dominated and Paul 'kept his distance' from the John-Cyn-Stu 'menage-a-trois'. But the friendship wasn't perfect and his position as John's ultimate best friend was never iron clad. This is best outlined by the shit they pulled when John convinced him to join on Bass for the Beatles.

Despite being John's best friend, Stu was teased and bullied:

"They argued as usual amongst themselves, but most of all they picked on Stu, the newest member of the group. John, George and Paul had been with each other long enough to know that rows and arguments and criticism didn't mean much. If it did, you just argued back. "We were terrible," says John. "We'd tell Stu he couldn't sit with us, or eat with us. We'd tell him to go away, and he did." At one hotel they stayed at, a variety show had just left. There had been a dwarf in the show and they found out which bed he had slept in and said that would have to be Stu's. They certainly weren't going to sleep in it. So Stu had to. "That was how he learned to be with us," says John. "It was all stupid, but that was what we were like."

The Beatles: The Authorised Biography (Hunter Davies)

Why John encouraged this I have no idea, maybe jealousy over Stu's looks and wanting to play people off each other? Things were tense in both Scotland and Hamburg, especially between Stu and Paul. As I said in my last post, the girls were fighting and it was mutual. Paul was mad for both fair and immature teenage-boy reasons. Stu could not be bothered with the bass most of the time and couldn't really play well and was only there as he was '(John's) best friend' (ouch for Paul). Paul conversely had given up higher education to be there and was sending lots of money back home. He also was dating the girl Paul fancied. Stu was popular with the new group and also did mean things like help John steal Paul's money when money was really tight for him. Paul in turn was a passive aggressive, jealous and mean. It all came to ahead in the punch up onstage which according to Spitz came about from Paul wanting money back and saying that Stu could borrow some from Astrid. Stu goes for him and reports vary from full-on bust up to embarrassing scuffle. Stu then goes to where Astrid and Paul's gf Dot are, demands Dot leaves and goes on a rant about Paul. Now all of this must be framed in the context of Stu receiving increasing brain damage from his condition that seemingly lead to mood swings and anger. Nevertheless, the mutual needling and anger, as well as John's refusal to do/say fuck all about it, especially given how protective John was of Stu, suggests that it wasn’t straightforward and/or John may have been playing some games to make both feel threatened. This would also make sense as to why we hear conflicting accounts of John and Stu being the centre of everything and everyone else in orbit AND John and Paul being the centre and everyone else playing catch-up, as well as John giving Paul the lead to take him round the Reeperbahn when John got dressed in the gorilla costume. (I know Paul may have just been the closest there but that always gave off bestie behaviour to me.)

(I did get an ask about how John and Paul's friendship survived it, I think it was damaged by Hamburg. When Paul got back home he got a job at a construction site and there's just a vibe of everything being a bit on tenterhooks. John also acts a bit weird at the period, not talking to anyone for a few weeks then making a lot of weird demands from Paul. I'm really not sure what to make of it.)

Even when he's back in Liverpool, John still writes long letters to Stu and vice-versa. I can't find it at all but I’ve read a really sad interview with John saying he missed his best mate and it's a shame that he's not with them. He had no idea at that point that Stu had already died of a brain hemorrhage at 21.

John is said to have gone into hysterics when he found out Stu had died. A lot of people who've spoken about this time (Aunt Mimi, his sister Julia, the Exsis) concur that at this point Stu was his best friend and the death shattered him. He even told Astrid he wished he could give his life for Stu’s. This is backed up by the fact that John never forgot Stu and his shadow lingered for the rest of John's life:

Stu was recalled in In My Life

Years later, after John composed the first of his truly poignant and heartfelt Beatles songs, "In My Life"—with its lines about "friends I still can recall/some are dead and some are living"—he revealed to me that the two people he had had uppermost in mind were myself and Stuart Sutcliffe. And then he stunned me with a statement that I'd never heard him address to anyone—least of all to another man. "You know, Pete," he said softly, "I do love you. But," he quickly added, "I loved Stuart as well."

Weird that Paul isn't mentioned surely you think that he would be mentioned if Pete was there too okay, okay my tin hat is going away this isn't the time

Pete Shotton, Nicholas Schaffner, John Lennon: In My Life

In 1965 John drew Stu on a postcard

He apparently said this about Stu prior to sending the postcard, prompted by an article about Stuart.

The card had been sent from Genoa mid-way through the Beatles' Italian tour. [...] But the conversation had become maudlin when I reminded him that he was going to talk to me for an article about Stuart. [...] In that sad telephone conversation before they set off for Milan, I asked him if he was happy: 'I'd be a lot happier if Stuart was still part of us,' he said, 'The Beatles would be complete.' And before he rang off he said 'Ill send you something.'

He also appears on the cover of Sgt Pepper

As mentioned, Stu gets mentioned in Hunter Davies in terms of wistfulness and guilt AND he gets a mention in John's insane 'if I were a homosexual' ramblings in early 70s. According to Yoko, John also wanted Yoko to write letters to him and didn't think it would be strange because Stu wrote letters to him.

I have a pet theory that as with a lot of things for John, his unresolved grief over Stu really came to the fore in the late 60s now that he had actually had a chance to sit down and think about things. I believe it was partially why he wanted Yoko to write letters and why he gets mentioned in the early 70s as a collaborator/best friend and not in 1980 where John only gives that credit to Paul and Yoko. I think with the cracks with Paul, John had started to think back on his old friend and guide and what advice he would give.

Stuarts presence is still felt throughout the seventies:

“He told me everything. He loved to talk about Hamburg. There were no secrets. It was the kind of life I never knew…. It meant total freedom. At his side always was Stuart, sweet Stuart. There wasn’t a time in John’s life when he didn’t think about Stuart. He spoke always of his love and respect for Stuart.”

Yoko discussing Stu in When They Were Boys: The True Story of the Beatles’ Rise to the Top by Larry Kane

Coming to grips with his death is also present in Skywriting

SEAN O’HAIRE: What happened to Stuart Cliff? DR. FISCHY: What happened was a full exchange of energy where it was not needed within the expression of your own self or in the energies involved around and about you. We cannot call it a happening. We’ll say it is an awakening, for in that way it has served an expression from the past to the present and to the future to where there shall be more of that incomplete vibration expressed to you in a more fuller understanding.

Skywriting by Word of Mouth, John Lennon

This isn't exhaustive but I think from all this it's pretty clear that John adored Stu, John grieved Stu and kept grieving Stu. Stu had a specific place in his life as a confidant that he tried to recreate with Yoko. At the time of Stu's death, he was John's best friend, probably slightly over Paul. Stuart had been able to be both a friend and paternal presence, a confidant and an artistic collaborator. His presence and loss was one of the foundational points in John's life.

But as we've been asked to play this stupid game and so many bios like to make a hoopla about it, were they at their closest ever as close as John and Paul were at their height?

No.

How do we know? Because John told us so:

" He [Paul] still is the closest friend I've ever had, except for Yoko, so I'm still close to him whatever goes on."

John Lennon to an interviewer, 1971

But Walrus! John just says shit! How do we know he isn't leaving out Stu because the press don't know Stu. Well true John does just say shit but this is at a time where John isn't the most glowing about Paul and he's had no problem mentioning Stu in this time period ('one of my best friends ever' would have made a similar point).

But Walrus again! If John picked Stu over Paul when they were young why wouldn't he be the boy bestie of all time, and why would John say that he was closer to Paul? Well, because of the environment and timings. Stu's death happened near the beginning of John and Paul's major bonding moments. If you look at their personal timeline, Paris, the Nerk twins, and getting signed happened just before Stu died. That's missing the major years of Beatlemania, Key West, LSD, Paul growing more into being John's peer and a load of other huge moments in their lives. It's like how John writes to Cyn in 1962 about wanting the house to themselves and not have Paul around all the time. Would you say because he feels closer to Cyn then that John in his overall lifetime loved Cyn more than Paul? No, because relationships change over time and theirs were no exception. (One thing to consider as well is that we don't yet have many letters between John and Paul during their Beatles years and earlier, probably because they were spending so much time with each other. We know a couple exist that Paul considers too personal for publication but I'm sure there are others. It's easy to understand what John felt for Stu as we have the letters, I think we would also have an easier time understanding what John felt for Paul if we had the equivalent of those.)

At the end of the day Paul was the man he believed he had a psychic bond with, the man he couldn’t shut up about, the man whom he’d conquered the world with with their endless collaboration, the man with a twin personality to him and according to John spent more time with throughout the 60s than he had with Yoko ever. To be frank if Paul had died in 67' I don't think this would have been a conversation.

As mentioned early, in early 1970s John elevates his partnership with Stu to his collaborations with Paul and Yoko but by 1980 he’s pretty clear that Paul and Yoko are their own category.

"I was saying to somebody the other day, “There’s only two artists I’ve ever worked with for more than a one night stand, as it were. That’s Paul McCartney, and Yoko Ono.” And I think that’s a pretty damned good choice!!"

John Lennon interview with DJ Dave Sholin, 1980

There are of course the what ifs. Would Stu still being alive mean that John was not as close with Paul? Maybe, highly doubtful though as the Beatles experience was so intense. If Stu remained a Beatle would John be as close with Paul? If Stu remained a Beatle he wouldn't be Stu so no. At the same time who knows what it would have been like if Paul and John were peers from the off? I said this to @the62ndbugsfan when it comes to Stu vs Paul (hi girl sorry i've made our chat a whole ass post lol) but to go a bit Wuthering Heights, soulmates are made as much from the earth as they are of the stars. What binds us is our experiences just as much as our personalities. There may be a universe where Stu and John took on the art world together or became inseparable bffs again after the Beatles disbanded, but it is not our universe. In this universe Stu tragically died and John and Paul chose to become Lennon/McCartney and artistically unite themselves forever.

Even going back to Stu's lifetime, I've said it before and I'll say it again I find it interesting that not only did John choose to go to Paris with Paul rather than pay to meet up with Stu somewhere but that they arranged to meet up with Juergen and nobody told Stu until they'd already gone. Stu was shocked and didn't know if it meant the end of the Beatles which is a pretty big thing for him not to know about. Why didn't John tell him if they're apparently still writing long letters? Was it because he really wanted to do this with Paul and didn't want to hurt Stu's feelings? And that's really the point I want to make here. Due to his trauma John was preoccupied with reinforcing ranking of relationships within his life. But the thing is friendship rankings are made up guidelines and the reality is far more complicated. You can have a designated best friend but feel closer to another friend at times, you can want to do one thing specifically with one friend and not the other for various reasons. You can (as I do) have more than one equal best friend. Friendship as with most relationships are in a constant state of flux and each friendship you have will give and mean a different thing, even if they are of similar value to you.

Paul may have ended up closer to John than Stu had been, but that doesen't make John's relationship with Stu any less special. Nor does Stu negate the significance of Paul. Whilst both fit into John's pattern of intense relationships and demands related to that, both had unique positions and meaning to him. Considering what I've gone into about John's closeness to Stu, it actually says something deeply, borderline unnervingly, intense about John and Paul that Paul pipped Stu to the post. Maybe it's time Beatles bios accept the fact that John Lennon just wouldn't be into them like that, stop using a tragically prematurely deceased young man as a prop in their jealous psychological warfare against Paul McCartney, stop perpetuating one of the most damaging games that John did to his loved ones and allow both relationships the space to shine and showcase the amazing talent that was the Beatles and those that surrounded them.

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kedsandtubesocks · 11 months ago

Text

dance away your cowboy blues

Country Singer!Joel Miller x F!Reader

summary: who knew the man with the voice of an angel could break your heart this bad?

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY MDNI, modern/no outbreak AU & Joel has both his daughters, exes to lovers with eventual husband!Joel, angst followed up by good sweet fluff, concert venue, light drinking mention, Joel being stubborn & bad at feelings, hints of spice, fools in love, reader is addressed as ‘honey, darlin,’ use of song lyrics in fic, Pearl Jam & Taylor Swift song mentions, soft & heartbroken!Joel, lovesick!Joel

word count: 6k

a/n: here we are - the last installment in our ‘Let’s Rodeo’ series & I’m so incredibly grateful to finally make it here, also this is my mini tribute to our boy and his SAG award! The main song Joel sings is this one and I highly recommend! Thank you to my forever babe @the-wild-wolves-around-you for letting me scream about plot holes & aiding my Joel brainrot, @tightjeansjavi for always being down to chat about Joel, and to @lowlights & @ahauntedcowboy for being my ever guiding forces for this series, thank you all… And finally to you reading this, thank you so much ♡

A year ago, Joel broke up with you on a warm early spring morning.

He arrived at your apartment, sat you down and shattered your world. You felt every range of emotion as he simply stood there like a man of steel.

So upset and angry, you wanted to rip your heart out and throw it at him.

Then later that week you found out his record was officially getting picked up and you crumbled.

Ending your relationship simply because he was about to step into true proper fame - you never took Joel to be a man so somberly callous. However, you began wondering if that’s what fame sometimes did to people.

When curiosity gnawed too hard, you’d Google him or even check Spotify. Simply catching glimpses of how big he’s gotten sent you spiraling. Last Thanksgiving, your favorite aunt threatened to lock your phone away when she found you upset in the bathroom after discovering Joel was performing at the Dallas Cowboys holiday game.

From that point on you refused to even check any amount of social media or update on him.

A few clunky first dates and a couple of ghosting experiences later, you’ve now decided to simply work on yourself and embrace the selfcare of being single.

It’s why when your best friend called you earlier today eagerly explaining how her parents had extra tickets to the Rodeo tonight, she playfully teased how she knew you didn’t have anything planned for this Saturday night.

You almost hung up on her, but you excitedly scrambled to get ready.

Now the smell of fried foods, popcorn, and beer cloud the air. The fairgrounds hold a chaotic but controlled lively energy. You never knew so many cowboy hats could exist in one space.

Once you meet up with your best friends' parents, you’re transported to a whole new area you never believed could exist during a rodeo. Lux and cozy, the VIP lounge gleams with its elevated experience. You knew your best friend’s mom worked for the construction company managing the arena. You just didn’t realize how big of a hookup it was. The VIP tickets allowed for full premium dining along with a couple of free drinks.

More importantly - it came with the best concert seats.

“In the dirt” is how they’re described because the tickets are literally stationed on the floor, in the dirt of the rodeo stadium, right by the stage.

Ecstatic and bubby energy now fills you. The food being served is divine and you gladly enjoy the free various drinks.

“So wait, did we figure out who’s performing?” You ask curiously while you lounge taking advantage of the nice seating area.

“Uh, I think my dad said it’s that band named Midland is performing today.” Your friend answers but then is quickly pulled away to meet more of her mom’s coworkers.

You’ve never heard of the band, but for a free concert you’re open to enjoy some live music.

It’s a trait you gained from Joel.

Because of him you grew to love music performances, the energy that comes with hearing the band, being among the hum of the crowd. The trips around Austin seeing not just him perform, but enjoying other concerts with him, let you appreciate and admire live shows.

Waiting for the concert allows you to enjoy some of the actual rodeo event. But the main performance of the evening soon arrives.

“You kids go enjoy! We’re getting a little too old and are just gonna stay back and enjoy the free food.” Your best friend’s mom grins with a wink.

The ticket advertisement wasn’t joking when it said close to the stage. The ground level truly sits on the dirt floor. The arena swallows you whole surrounding you like a strange fishbowl. A small crowd already lines the front railing closest to the stage. However sneakily you find a nice open spot by the side that gives a clear sight to the stage.

Even if you don’t know the band, giddiness bubbles in you electric.

You take in the massive general admission floor section already packed full. The band must be popular. So you take plenty of pictures and happily enjoy the time with your dear friend.

The lights dim and excitement crackles in the air. The stage lights up. The large backdrop screens on the stage flutter to life beginning to showcase different picturesque black and white shots of Texas.

Midland, you remember, is a city in Texas so the images make sense. A low strum of a guitar begins playing. The melody dances soft but in a quick beat, a hypnotic tune trying to rev up the crowd.

The tune brews up its intended magic that you even get swept up in the anticipation. The sound gets faster and the strumming is rather simple but so striking.

Then the music stops. Suddenly the lights of the entire stadium shut off. Wild galvanized screams erupt.

The lights brilliantly dance forth back to light. They all focus now on the performer who, like magic, now appears on the stage with the rest of the band.

And the lead singer is Joel.

Your knees almost give out.

Dressed in the most dangerous plaid green button up, it so simple yet beautifully compliments him. More grays pepper his beard and highlight his tousled curls. The brilliant stage lights bask him in a heavenly glow.

Your soul momentarily leaves your body the minute his voice sings his first note.

Instantly your best friend whips towards you panicked. She rapidly screams asking if you’re okay as she apologizes over and over.

“My dad must have gotten the dates wrong! God I should’ve fucking doubled checked or some shit!” She cries deeply apologetic and hurt.

You earnestly tell her it’s not her fault and it’s alright. It was just an unfortunate mixup.

“Do you wanna leave?” Your friend leans closer to you. Her eyes shine understanding and considerate. “We didn’t pay for these tickets and I promise you my parents will completely understand. We can say fuck it and bounce.”

You haven’t even completely processed it’s Joel. It’s like your brain went cloudy and now blinking out of the fog, your eyes return to the stage.

Joel isn’t an extroverted man. He’s reserved, quietly charming, even holds a gruff but poised grace. But right now, he’s an absolute sun on the stage. He’s radiant, naturally swaying to the music while singing his soul soul.

Maybe it’s the piece of you still horribly in love with him, or just the curiosity to see how this goes, whatever it is - you shake your head no.

“We can stay.”

Your best friend’s eyes go wide as saucers hearing your answer.

“Are you sure?” She presses and you nod your head.

“Yeah, let’s stay. Afterwards we can laugh about how old he’s gotten.” You laugh bitterly about him looking more aged even after a year.

When truthfully the stronger wrinkles around his face, the vibrant grays, all of his aging only intensifies his striking looks.

A canyon wide sized hole rips through your heart.

The song flutters to an end and the crowd claps with a thunderous roar. With a reassuring squeeze to your shoulder your dear friend nods then turns back to the concert.

You pray this isn’t the worst decision you’ve ever made.

Then Joel speaks.

“Howdy everyone,” his voice is still so devilishly thick and smooth as a shot of moonshine. His accent does his home state proud. The crowd absolutely adores him, screaming loud just hearing him speak.

“Thank y'all for comin’ out tonight. I’m Joel Miller and m’here to sing y’all a few songs.” So simple, casually eased, and it’s so Joel.

His gruff southern charm made you fall in love with him so fast and now it’s a unique brand of magic charming everyone under his spell.

Joel strums a few notes, rapidly shifting the tune and transitions into the next song.

You now fully soak in Joel.

He seems otherworldly, a god of music reincarnated as a Texan cowboy. You think back to the days sitting in his living room and listening to him play. You were honored to see that side of him, to hear him strum to life so much magic.

During the holiday’s Joel’s daughters, Ellie and Sarah, would often pester him to sing silly songs. He’d grumpily obliged but you knew he basked in their attention and love.

He loved to sing. You always knew he was destined for the stage like it was woven into his veins.

You still remember the day one of Joel’s acoustic performances blew up online gaining so much attention. The excitement and absolute joy you felt then still lingers in the corners of your heart. Although, those feelings have been gathering cobwebs.

There’s of course a bitterness seeing him, but also, an unbearably small twinkling pride knowing he’s here living his dream. The song finishes and again the stadium rumbles in applause.

“How y’all doin’ tonight?” Joel asks and your heart jumps hearing his voice again.

The crowd cheers back at him.

“Good good, let’s keep it goin’.” He yells back and then strums the guitar sharp.

That’s when the stage slowly starts moving.

It’s slow but with the surprise purpose to look out to the entire crowd. For some reason you almost laugh thinking of that man, who couldn’t even remember how to FaceTime on his ipad, on a full rotating platform.

However, the lyrics start and you realize he’s singing a heartbreak ballad.

If you’re going out with someone new, I’m going out with someone too…I won’t feel sorry for me, I’m getting drunk but I’d much rather be somewhere with you…

It’s hard hearing him now with how exhilarated the crowd screams at the stage moving. But you try to hear how the rest of the song unfolds.

At the chorus, your throat tightens.

I can go out every night of the week, can go home with anybody I meet, but it’s just a temporary high… ‘cause when I close my eyes, I’m somewhere with you

The words sting every inch of you, but you believe it has to be just a simple heartbreak story and isn’t about you, isn’t directed at you. Yet the words feel like sharpened edges of a broken mirror that seem to reflect every moment of your time with him.

Then the stage rotates to your side of the floor.

There’s no way he can see you or will even spot you. There’s a whole crowd stretching before him. You’re just a fish in a sea of fans.

Joel continues strumming, allowing his voice to so beautifully carry the emotion.

The stage, in its slow movement, is now front and center to your line of sight. Some girls at the very direct front of the railing scream and wave frantically at him.

A small smile tugs at Joel’s lips as he waves back. Joel’s eyes scan the rest of the crowd -

And that’s when he spots you.

Quickly, you rationalize he could be staring out behind you at someone else alongside the side railing.

But Joel’s eyes even narrow trying to focus more. Your gaze stays on him, like something inside of you refuses to waiver.

His eyes flicker with realization then turn into full moons.

He knows it’s you.

Joel continues singing the chorus but emotions cloud his face. His brows are furrowed hard, almost confused like he’s trying to really comprehend what’s going on.

You understand. You’d be so confused too if you were in his position. You’re still even baffled as to why you stayed in the first place.

The stage starts shifting back to the main center direction

But Joel cranes his face to the side, refusing to have his eyes leave.

His focus stays on you.

It’s obvious enough that your best friend now shakes your body.

“Is he staring at you?!” She tries to whisper but she ends up partly screaming.

You think maybe it’s a hallucination.

Yet Joel’s deep inky eyes stubbornly stay locked on you as he sings now.

If you see out on the town and it looks like I’m burning it down, you won’t ask and I won’t say… but in my heart I’m always somewhere with you…

Your world twists warped, melting into a sea of so many emotions you can’t stay afloat.

Joel finishes his song and the crowd enthusiastically cheers. Yet, it sounds muffled as a numbness crawls over you like a thick soupy fog.

You should leave. You need to. But you’re here now. And decide to see the end of this. If he’s singing about someone lingering within him, then you might as well make true to those lyrics.

Joel lowers his face for a moment and shakes his head. The mic faintly picks up his cough of a disbelieving laugh and your heart sinks.

“Alright folks, let’s jam.” He announces composed and brings his guitar to life.

He’s beautiful walking around with it. Strums effortlessly until he shifts from one guitar, his classic, to a more sleek all black styled one.

Joel lets the music and band take over while he makes the switch. He also leans in to whisper something to the stage hand.

Then as if nothing, Joel steps back into the limelight and illuminates the stage.

He walks around freely now that the stage stopped rotating. The current song is lively with a great beat and you hate how badly you want to bounce around to its infectious sound and the way Joel’s voice elevates the tune.

Caught up in the melody, you don’t notice until it’s too late. Joel walks over to the side of the stage directly facing you.

The guitar carries a large piece of this song’s bridge allowing his eyes to flicker across the crowd.

Until they return to your gaze. Stuck in his stare, Joel suddenly cocks his chin towards you.

Most of the crowd around you screams at his simple action. Even your best friend yells out a loud ‘holy shit’ but you stay quiet.

Not knowing how to react, all you do is stupidly shrug.

It’s awful, not even the best reaction you can give.

But Joel barks a laugh, a true laugh that thankfully happens at the tail end of the song, but your knees go weak.

You made him laugh.

On stage.

Heartache finds its way back into your system fiercer than ever and it poisonously tastes of adoration as well.

Joel transitions into another song. This time moving around the stage more towards the other side.

Yet, either his eyes flicker back to you, or he ends up walking to your section.

A part of you wonders if he’s doing this now to mock you, almost showing off how good he is knowing you’re here. You don’t believe Joel would be that heartless, but you hate how that option still lingers.

“He’s been walking over here a lot.” Someone even behind you even notices.

“Well he is old.” Someone yells back. “Maybe he’s just trying to keep his joints in shape.”

You almost want to snap back that he’s looking damn good for his age and in good enough shape that he kept you bent like a pretzel for practically a whole weekend, but you swallow back the protective bite.

You simply go back to enjoying the show, and it’s fantastic. You can’t deny that. Joel is a performer, keeps the crowd focused and engaged. He isn’t showy or dramatic but takes control of his presence on stage.

You think of the days seeing him at small bars around town, sitting on a stool playing till his heart's content.

Then he booked Stubb’s in Austin and when you watched him own that stage - you knew this was meant for him.

You’re reminded of that so vividly tonight.

“Alright, gettin’ to the end here.” He announces and the crowd sounds heartbroken.

“I know, i know,” he coos back soft and low. “But just wanted to say y’all have been lovely.”

So many shrill shrieks crack in the room and you almost roll your eyes.

Your best friend snickers beside you. “Gotta give it to him, man can work a room.”

She’s right of course. Though it’s still so surprising for a man grumpily reserved and introverted at times.

“This next one I hope maybe some of y’all will know.”

He strums the cords to Pearl Jam’s ‘Alive.’

What gained Joel traction online was his renditions and covers of various songs. He added his own country twang and twist to all the songs he covered.

Pearl Jam happened to be one of Ellie’s favorite bands. A hollow nostalgia rip through you, thinking of the two girls you miss.

The crowd ignites recognizing the familiar rock ballad now turned into the tune of a country song by Joel’s touch. He owns the solo and his husky voice melts into the lyrics beautifully.

Under your breath you sing along. You used to sing along when you cooked breakfast at his place or during drives with him and the girls.

It’s a beautiful fondness, yet one still barbed and so aching.

The song ends with the intense but small burst of fireworks that has the stadium cheering. You even clap.

“Appreciate y’all.” He addresses the crowd. “That’s a one of my daughter’s favorites so always means a lot when I get to play it.”

A smile you can’t fight tugs at your lips at the mention of Ellie.

“Now my daughters, they’re like night ‘n day.” Joel continues and your heart fills up so overwhelming fast for those girls.

“One of them, like I said, loves some Pearl Jam. Now my other daughter…” Joel pauses.

“She’s a big fan of someone by the name of Taylor Swift.”

The crowd absolutely explodes and you think you even feel the arena shake. Sarah honestly was a big fan and Ellie loved to tease her about it so much.

“Normally for this next and final song, I’d play ‘‘shake it off.’” Joel had a few songs of hers that he covered. That one was a fan favorite.

“But tonight, I'm itchin’ to play somethin’ else.” He continues.

You even perk up curious.

“So let’s end this on a high note, yeah? Sing along if you know this one.” Joel concludes.

Then the drums begin and the song bursts to life.

The stadium swims in a dizzying frantic energy.

The way Joel sings, he’s pouring his heart out. He’s memorizing. Utterly heart wrenching.

This is the finale, the end of this strange unreal dream you’ve wandered into. You wonder if he feels it too.

The song’s chilling bridge comes and Joel walks to stare directly at you.

I thought I had you figured out, can’t breathe whenever you’re gone. Can't turn back now, I'm haunted…

His eyes never leave yours.

The lyrics sear through your heart. You think about screaming the song to back him. He’s the one who left, the one who’s ghost lives among your ribs.

Then Joel hits the final high note, lets his voice carry the powerful finale, and the crowd roars in earth shaking excitement.

It’s magical, magnetic and utterly devastating in both the best and worst ways. Another few sets of indoor fireworks go off and the show ends.

Joel wishes the crowd a beautiful night and you’re left in a tangled web of emotions.

Your best friend immediately turns to see if you’re okay. While the crowd starts leaving, you and her take a moment. Out of the edge of your focus, you notice a crew member of the arena approaching the side of the rail. You don’t think anything of it.

“Excuse me,” until that crew member stands in front of you on the other side of the barrier.

Blinking absolutely confused you turn towards the man.

“I’ve been asked to escort you backstage.” He explains and your best friend gasps.

You wonder if the ground opened below and dropped you into a free fall.

Quickly you stammer out that you couldn’t. There's no way. Maybe the man must’ve mistaken you for someone else.

“Mr. Miller said you’d say something like that.” The crew member says reaching into his pocket to hand you something.

It’s a keychain.

Not just any keychain, but the one you gave Joel.

It’s a cartoon armadillo, dressed up as a cowboy, holding a guitar. When you first saw it you immediately thought of Joel. His daughters got a kick over it, giggled at how cute it was, and your heart had bursted when you saw it constantly among his keys.

Now the worn little cowboy creature sits waiting for you. It’s sweet marble like eyes stare up at you like a day hasn’t gone by since you gave Joel this.

Your best friend gasps, maybe not fully recognizing the keychain but understanding the significance.

You ask the crew member if your friend can maybe accompany you backstage, but he shakes his head a sad no.

“Then I…I can’t.” You shakily breathe out.

“Yes you can!” She interjects. “You gotta at least hear him out!”

You turn to her and find determination fiercely burning in her eyes as she nods.

“But what about you? I don’t want you or your parents waiting around for me.” You urge.

“Don’t worry about me or especially about them!” She reassures, even offering to wait for as long as you need.

You’re grateful, unbearably so and embrace her tight.

“You call me if he gets stupid. I don’t care backstage or not, I’ll go get you.”

You laugh watery at her well meaning threat and thank her. With a quick sweet goodbye, you follow the crew member along the rails until exiting.

The walk out to the backstage area fills you with a hurricane of emotions. What else could Joel say to you? A part of you wonders if he’s going to be cruel about this, having you simply show up to his dressing room just to laugh so arrogant and smug about how wonderfully famous he is now.

No, Joel isn’t that type of man.

Or you hope fame hasn't warped him into that type of man. Arriving at the green room door, your heart races loud in your ears.

The crew member knocks and before you can compose yourself, Joel opens the door.

He’s bathed in the golden amber light of the backstage room. It highlights all those grays again but also illuminates more of the time passed on his face. More winkles line against his eyes and when he fully stares at you, you wonder how different you might look in his eyes.

A jackrabbit like urge rushes over you to maybe flee, call your best friend to come get you.

“Thanks for comin’,” he mutters out. “Was worried ya wouldn’t show.”

You want to bitterly joke that you didn’t want to, but the armadillo keychain you hang onto holds the truth.

The door closes leaving you and Joel alone. Awkward stale air chokes the space.

You simply keep your attention on examining the room. His classic weathered jacket rests thrown over the couch. The rider is stacked with so many classic Joel snacks like his favorite jerky, popcorn, and even a few familiar favorite treats his daughters love.

Then your eyes catch the mug on the counter and you grin softly.

It must be filled with Joel’s classic drink - chamomile and ginger tea with honey for his throat.

“It’s…yeah. That’s it.”

You didn’t even realize you said anything out loud until Joel replies casuing your heart to jump. Finally your eyes find his.

It's a curse that your greatest heartbreak is this handsome. Exhaustion weighs in you and feels ancient, like if you carry the sum of so many lifetimes before.

“So…You wanted to talk to me?” You speak first, trying to keep yourself strong.

“I…uh yeah.” Answering so cryptically, his shoulders deflate. “How ya been?”

“Good.” You answer simple, curt almost.

There’s too many things that could’ve slipped out if you said anything more. Like how you selfishly kept one of his shirts and hate that the smell of him on it has faded like a wistful memory. Or how you can barely listen to Dolly Parton or Johnny Cash anymore because you’re reminded of Joel singing along to their songs.

So you turn the conversation back to him.

You ask how the girls are and Joel perks up, eyes shimmering with fatherly pride.

“Good, yeah they’re good. Uh, Ellie’s playing softball for the school again ‘n Sarah’s busy with student council. They’re still just bossin’ me all around.”

“As usual.”

You both say the same line at the same time and it chokes you up.

Joel inhales and his lips press tight, a hard line. The air tightens. No one says anything and now annoyance, frustration and maybe even a bit of panic claw at you.

“Joel, why am I here?” You ask him again.

Sighing, so weary and tired, he looks down.

Feels like ages pass between you and him. The faint noise of the stadium leaks into the room muffled.

You think of your best friend waiting and of your own heart waiting to end this.

“Look, it was good to see you,” you half lie. “You did great, hope you and the girls take care”

You turn to walk out.

That’s when he blurts out your name and you stop.

“I miss you.” He exhales.

“Miss ya so g’damn much. Every fuckin’ day.” He mutters.

When you turn back around, he stares at you unwavering. You don’t know what to say.

“Seein’ ya out in the crowd…thought m’heart was gonna give out.” He barks a weak laugh.

“Almost stoppin’ the fuckin’ show just to make sure it was you… y’look beautiful as ever.” His eyes haze over slightly, almost nostalgic.

Suddenly a heated spark rips into your chest, jagged edged and angered.

“You broke up with me.” You snap, voice already raw.

“I know,” Joel nods. “Worst damn decision of m’life.”

Your lips tremble. Everything hurts like a live wire is burning up your veins.

“Then why? Why did you do it?” You croak. You want to scream, maybe even storm out and not even give him the chance to speak.

“What? Did Mr. Big Country Star hate having a partner that wasn’t famous too?” Venom leaks bitter and poisonous in your mouth, choking your throat.

“Y’know god damn well that ain’t it.” He snarls back hard.

“No actually I fucking don’t know Joel.” You reply with a fierce bite. “You so conveniently left out any real damn reason why you were breaking up with me.”

“I said our paths were going in separate directions.” He glares hard at you now.

“And that’s about it!” Your voice raises and you hate it.

The tears come quicker than you hoped for and you hate that more.

“No real explanation,” you exhale, wanting to stay as calm as you can. “You couldn’t even give me that…what else am I supposed to think?”

Even dabbing away your tears, your composure is slowly slipping.

“I couldn’t do this to you,” he breathes out and it’s broken. His eyes are shimmering obsidian pools.

“This life, all the fuckin’ mess that comes with dating someone in the limelight, I couldn’t just throw that on ya.” He explains and the truth rings out a quiet hum.

“And you didn’t think to talk to me about this?” You whisper out now hurt. “Joel, I thought we were a team.”

“We are- were.” He slips and corrects himself fast. “I just knew if we fuckin’ talked about it you wouldn’t have understood.”

“Understood what?” You’re frustrated and it leaks into your voice.

“That I didn’t want ya fuckin’ hatin’ me!” He finally screams the weighted truth.

Stunned quiet but still slightly confused, you ask Joel what he means.

Pain travels across Joel’s handsome face as his jaw clenches hard.

“This shit…it takes away a lot.” He croaks out. “Hell I’ve even missed things with the girls. Didn’t want ya sacrificin’ your life or wakin’ up one day and realizin’ how much you’ve lost ‘cause of me…couldn’t let myself do that to you.”

Your chest aches like a rocket got shot into you. You’re angry he took that chance for you to decide, but you understand.

Joel never wants to be the cause of pain to others, especially those he loves.

He agonizes so much over his decisions and how corrupting he believes he is. When in reality every action he takes you know simply stems from his endless deep devotion to keep those he loves safe.

His decision to end your relationship was him, in his own frustrating Joel way, trying to keep you safe. Even if it was from himself.

Your lips tremble and you cuss bitterly hard under your breath.

“You damn stupid man.” You hiccup. “I didn’t…I don’t care what life fame would’ve given me with you. I would never resent you. For better or worse I just wanted a life with you, that’s all I ever wanted.”

Through a few sobs, you wipe the tears fogging up your sight.

Before you can see it happening, strong sturdy arms suddenly wrap around you and shock you breathless. Curled in Joel’s arms, it’s like a sad coming home party and you cry even more.

“M’so sorry, my darlin’.” Joel whispers against your forehead.

“I hate you.” You don’t. Even on your hardest days, you never could.

“I know, hate my fuckin’ ass too.” Joel replies.

His arms squeeze you tighter.

“Never stopped lovin’ you. Never will.” His voice wavers and now your arms wrap around him.

“You left.” You whisper back so small while tears continue to prickle in your eyes.

“I know honeydew, ‘n I’ll never forgive myself for it.” He replies fiercely like a strike of lightning with its bright force. “Been a fuckin’ mess without ya. Tommy would be the first to agree and the girls too.”

You absorb his words, basking in the safe haven that is Joel. Hours, maybe days pass just in his arms.

“Please forgive me, baby.” He whispers hoarse against your head.

You nod a soft yes.

Because even the part of you that wants to yell and stubbornly say no knows the ultimate answer is, and always will be, him.

“Of course…I love you.” You mutter half dazed against his strong chest. “Love of my life.”

Pressed so close to him, you feel how hard he swallows and his arms squeeze you impossibly tighter against you.

He says your name and you hum out a soft noise.

“Marry me.”

Your eyes, which have sort of glazed over, snap open wide.

“What?” You mutter out, maybe think you misheard him.

“Marry me.” Joel repeats himself.

You practically squawk like a confused bird and scramble in his arms.

“Joel Miller, you can’t be serious?!” You shriek through the tears still lingering in your voice.

Your face snaps up to him. His face is composed, almost serene in a way as he look at you with molten eyes.

“Serious as that g’damn ring I bought ya.”

His words are a mumble but so soft and unwavering. Your soul leaves your body like you were thrown into a cold lake.

“You what?” You stammer out.

“Y’heard me.” He nudges his chin to you. “A ring. Bought it after you dropped everything to go take care of the girls when they got sick.”

Too many emotions overwhelm you and the tears return with a vengeance.

Joel, like a steady man in the storm, places his warm hand on your face to gather you back into his embrace. He places the softest kiss to the side of your head.

“We gotta have a chat about discussing your feelings with me more, Miller.” You manage to chide him through your tears.

“I know.” He mutters against your skin while he continues softly kissing you with utter tenderness. “‘N I’m not lettin’ ya go again.”

You squeeze him hard, trying to burn his memory into your arms worried you’re going to wake up and find this is just a heartbroken hallucination.

“Baby,” he begins.

“Hm?”

“Stay with me for the night.” He urges. “The bus got plenty of room-”

“Ooo, is this what you say to all your groupies, Mr. Miller?” You tease with a snort.

“Behave.” His hand playfully squeezes your hip but his underlying somber tone even with his chuckle ignites a familiar heat brewing in you of the times he’s reprimanded you like that before.

“No groupies.” Joel reassures you. “Only you sweetheart, only ever gonna be you.”

His words flutter into your heart and make a nest there.

Gently you draw back to stare at Joel. Your hand moves to his face, aching to just touch him. Even in his arms you’re waiting for him to vanish from your touch as if he’s a figment of your wrecked heart, a ghost of lovers past haunting you now.

But his stubble tickles against your palm. Running warm as usual, his face feels like a soft morning sun. Your thumb strokes his cheek and his eyes close, melting into your hold.

Gently you place a soft kiss against the corner of his lips.

Joel now tilts his head so he can deepen the kiss before you can even draw away.

It’s not a consuming passion that you expected. No frantic fierce clash of lips or an overflow from a year passed between you two.

Instead it’s a soft welcome home. It’s a kiss you’ve given him when he’s come home late or when you leave for work.

Because his blood, his soul, you believe are simply stitched into the very fabric of you. It’s like a piece of you is returning back to you, or maybe back to your other home with him.

“So you gonna stay with me?” He mumbles against your lips.

“I don’t know Miller, you haven’t even offered to sign anything for me. What kind of famous country singer are you?” You smirk against his lips.

He laughs, hearty, a true wild deep one sweeping you into its joy.

“Hell yeah I’ll fuckin’ sign something for ya, our marriage certificate.” He snaps in classic grumpy Joel fashion and you almost think about dragging him to a courthouse.

You text your friend a million apologies and even take pictures of all the signed merch you’re bringing back to her.

Now in the cocoon of Joel’s cozy bed on his tour bus, among the warmth sheets, you hold the ring up in the dim light inspecting it. Because of course your secretly romantic man kept the ring with him.

“You sure you weren’t keeping this around for someone else?” You ask.

“Fuck no.” He growls low. “S’yours…only yours.”

From behind his arms slide around you and you’re encompassed by his swallowing presence. His beard scrapes against your shoulder.

“If ya don’t like it, can get ya another one.” He mutters casually but hesitant softness peeks out from under his gruff tone.

“It’s perfect.” You reassure him.

It’s the ring Joel got you then and it’s the ring you want now and always will. You even tell him that.

The kisses places on your bare shoulder whispers of his devotion.

“Honey.” However, his voice now is hesitant and makes you pause on your ring inspecting.

“I gotta ask…but do ya have my armadillo keychain?” Joel asks with an utter somberness.

You burst out laughing and it shakes your body.

“Honeydew, I’m being serious!” He growls out. “Want that lil’ fella back!”

Wheezing with giggles you lean back against Joel, floating so blissfully floating in renewed adoration.

Twisting in his arms your lips find his.

“Tryin’ to distract me ‘cause you lost him, huh?” He mutters.

You snort, shaking your head.

“No I just love you so much, you dumb cowboy.” You tell him.

“Your dumb cowboy. For better or worse.” He vows, kissing you back firmer now.

“For better or worse,” you nod breathing into him.

In this carved out slightly cramped space it feels holy, sacred, chapel like. You’re even afraid it might be gone tomorrow morning. However, the ring on your finger is the steeled reassurance it isn’t going anywhere.

But, just in case, you gather this glory and Joel into your arms with the promise of never letting go.

#my heart is so full and I can’t thank yall enough I wish country singer Joel could perform for you personally in your living room #let’s rodeo fic series #country singer!joel miller #Joel miller x reader #Joel miller x f!reader #Joel miller fic #Joel miller fanfic #Joel 🤎

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woodlaflababab · 10 months ago

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So, I like kataang a lot, but I feel like I might have a bit of an unconventional view on them? Like I don't really understand the "Tui and La, Push and Pull" dynamic people will talk about for them, especially when zukaang takes up like, 75% of my brain. (Edit, @chocomd in a reblog explained the push/pull concept to me and its actually great, plz check it out, I was wrong kendjdndn)

One of the things that makes me like kataang so much is they're, to me, not based on a archetype really? Like, they're not opposites, but they're also hardly the same, they're not two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, they're each their own shape and their love is purely that, love. Little else, and I've found a song that I think perfectly encapsulates the way I see Kataang.

At My Back by Madds Buckley (Spotify Vers.)

And I want to go over just a few of the lyrics to point out what I mean.

If you're the sun, I don't want to be the moon, the moon's too far away from you, I'd rather envelope you in the bluest of skies

You don't have to be opposites to compliment eachother. There is nothing opposite about the sun and the sky, but they're not matches either, they're just two things that come together to make something beautiful

Don't say opposites attract, I'd rather fight you over things we both like

Katara and Aang like so many of the same things and I think there's something to be said about that kind of connection. Also, we need to appreciate getting to geek out about and debate about shared intrest more? I love the silly fights I have with my dad over atla (a big one being whether suki is a part of the gaang or not) I love talking with friends that have interpreted a scene different and getting to debate it all. I feel like Katara and Aang would get to do these things a lot. They'd be the couple that shares fandoms and ships sksjdjdn

Don't make up for what I lack, I don't need a missing piece, just someone at my back

While I do think kataang do make up for parts the other lacks, their relationship isn't built on that. It's built on the fact that they're ride or die for eachother, that they back eachother up. They're partners in crime. They're so fuckin jwbdjsnf gung ho for eachother fuck I love them so much

And if you're the left shoe, I can't be the right, I'm just another pair that's just a little tight when I get moody

Jsbfjnsnd I fuckin, love this line. They're both their own people, a full pair of shoes on their own, (and they're both so moody when they want to be) and they love eachother at their worst, no matter how moody. They don't expect eachother to be some other half of them, they just love eachother for who they are, as simple as that

Just be my friend, and when the night is cold get close

My favorite thing about them is that they are built on such a strong foundation of friendship. They are best friends first, lovers second, and I think that's how any good relationship should be. Just be friends, and let romance be a part of loving eachother, getting close and sharing in struggles and, of course, cuddles

The rest of the song is also supeerrrr kataang imo, or at least how I see them. It's super sweet and I highly recommend checking it out if you're ever looking for kataang songs.

But yeah, it's like, The Kataang Song for me. I love these two so much, they make me so emotional. So sweet and perfect and just kshdjdndj ugh ugh ugh

#kataang #kataang talks #atla #talks #woodlaflababab #have I mentioned that I love them?#bc I love them.

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wishforged · 30 days ago

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welcome to the very long postscript to Steal Ahead, a persona 5 fanfiction, that I doubt very many people will read in full but I have chosen to write anyway for my own self-aggrandizement.

before proceeding, please take note that in the following, I reflect on my writing decisions in some detail. reading these notes may color your perception of the story. if you prefer for the author to be dead, I'd advise stopping here!!

introductory thoughts

this fic is titled after a lyric in the song "Tape Song" by the kills.

pretty self-explanatory, right?

I started writing this fic because... well, that was 5 years ago and since then I've gotten a concussion at least once and my memory is kind of bad in general but I can still confidently say goro akechi is my favorite character in the world. a lot of post-vanilla fans might not completely understand the degree to which goro fans were imbibing copium before all the additional material royal gave us-- goro's story ended very ambiguously, and a lot of things about him and his relationship with Ren were left up to our little fujoshi imaginations to ruminate over and decipher. I couldn't help but want to give him a future in my own way.

I also really wanted to write a SUPER SLOW BURN LONG TERM YEARS-LONG EPIC AKESHU LOVE STORY!!! it ended up being a little different than what I envisioned lol but I think it's still true to my original aspiration, which was to create an intimate, realistic, friends-to-lovers dynamic between the two of them. I hope you enjoyed it...

one of my major influences was In Good Company by weialala. yes, it's a naruto fic, one that I've held dear for many many years. weialala's internal monologue for Sasuke and how she deals with questions about his life, as well as her take on Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, goes beyond Naruto canon in an incredible way that really influenced how I wrote Goro and the slow burn romance in this fic. I highly recommend checking the fic out if you're a naruto fan!! sorry if you're not and this revelation gave you psychic damage.

I outlined this fic pretty heavily, keeping a google doc with a timeline of events spanning the four years over which the story takes place. that didn't stop me from changing things and adding stuff up until the last minute, though. I also struggled to keep the timeline straight a lot because I made the questionable decision to start the fic two years after canon left off and I can be kind of dumb.

a look into my struggles/twisted mind. my outlines tend to be quite rough.

in the rest of this post I talk about several things in the fic, like Goro's disability and mental health, how Ren is portrayed, and the original characters, with some behind-the-scenes thoughts.

"redemption"

when it comes to characters who have Done Stuff Wrong, there is a lot of discourse to be had among fans about how they can Atone for their crimes. these arguments often touch a lot of nerves-- in my opinion, because our contributions to this discourse are influenced by how we think about crime and rehabilitation in the real world.

I live in a country where the carceral system is incredibly brutal and discriminatory, abuse of incarcerated people is routine, and the goal of incarceration is not rehabilitation but the infliction of suffering upon those deemed "criminals" by the state. this has shaped my beliefs about incarceration as a form of punishment. to put it simply, I am not a fan. and in a fictional context, I find the idea that a character in a work of fiction can "do their time" and have all their guilt and sin magically removed to be a cop-out.

this is just me and these are just my own thoughts of course. again, I think questions about crime and rehabilitation in fiction are influenced by our thoughts on these concepts in the real world. for that reason and many others this is quite a personal story that draws on my own personal philosophy in its telling (as half-baked as that philosophy may be bc im not a super genius who has all the answers). whether that is a flaw or a feature is up to you as a reader to decide.

in this fic I wanted to explore how to move forward after you have done something horrible. it was hard, because in this story and perhaps in life, there are no pretty answers and no perfect ways to make up for doing the things Goro did. I settled upon an "answer" that reflects one of my deeply-held beliefs: we do what we must after tragedy, and what we must do is move forward, rely on and be there for those we love, and try to do as much good as we can.

original characters

as stated in the tags of the fic, I wrote in OCs so goro could have actual relationships and friends. I tried to gift each one with their own unique personality and some depth! a lot of the OCs are women, maybe because I find it easier to write women lol. sometimes I feel like a lot of female OCs in fic can lean towards being misogynistic caricatures -- I'm not really blaming writers for this as much as I am blaming Society; fanfic deals in tropes and when you constantly see the trope of the bitchy secretary, the shallow seductress, etc. in the media you consume it becomes second nature to unconsciously replicate it, even if you identify as a woman. this is why IMO as a writer you need to make a conscious effort to do things differently (and read more books) although I'm sure there are a lot of ways I come up short...

one of my favorites is cleo which is funny because she only shows up for a handful of scenes in the last chapter lol, and maybe it's recency bias but I spent so long working on the last chapter she feels like my own child... I feel like her first name doesn't make sense for a Japanese-American person to have but I got attached to it lmao.

I actually do think I gave the Kato family too many problems, what with Kagami's illness and Taku's behavior -- I think I kinda reference this at one point by having Goro wonder what kind of a fucked up Dickensian family this is lol. I have some other self-critical thoughts on how I wrote them but I'll keep that to myself... still love them a lot though. I really enjoy messy but loving sibling relationships in fiction so I had to put one in here too.

(fun fact: like Goro, Taku was going to be Deaf, which is why Kagami comments that Goro is "like my brother" during her first appearance in chapter 1. when I decided to go another direction for Taku's character, I changed this to mean Goro and Taku have eyes that are the same color.)

shout out, also, to Hirakawa, who seems to be something of a fan favorite judging by the comments. she was a blast to write lol and I really love her relationship with Goro.

ren

I consider the Ren in this fic to be my Ultimate™ portrayal of him that is the closest to how I see him as a character. my most popular p5 work is The Next Time Around, an AU fic where Ren is an older adult that I wrote when I was a teenager (more than five years ago) (lol) (😔) and although I do have pride in/affection for that work and the Ren in it, he is a far cry from the way I imagine Ren today. (for one thing his name wasn't ren in that fic. lol)

being a silent protagonist, Ren is a tricky character to get right. I was very active in the p5 fandom space on social media for several years before I basically completely stopped paying attention to it, but like many others, in those early days I absorbed parts of others' portrayals of Ren into my own. I actually think that's quite a lovely thing about silent protagonists-- everyone in a fandom space kind of works to build the character together. yes, sometimes the portrayals that attain the most popularity are flattening or flanderizing, but ultimately, it's kind of fun to build a Frankenprotagonist. until you're writing a fic which prompts you to really sit down and think about what a true-to-canon portrayal looks like and how to make it also true to Yourself and what you really believe the character to be. (it's hard)

in Steal Ahead, Ren is superstitious and avoidant and quite bad at expressing his feelings. he's a charismatic anti-authoritarian, a middle child, and a neat freak with a strong, stubborn sense of justice. he's full of contradictions and flaws, and he's healing in his own way from the events of p5 proper, struggling with returning to a mundane life when for a short, glorious while, he was extraordinary. (hence the shoplifting subplot in chapter 2. fun fact -- that was originally supposed to be smoking but then I decided to change it. I forget why but I'm sure I had a good reason, probably. don't smoke, kids! or shoplift if you think you might get caught. kidding etc)

Ren argues and bickers with Goro quite a bit in this fic which I enjoyed writing. though they share many similarities, they're very different people -- I thought it would be only natural for them to clash sometimes, though they always come back to each other.

this Frankenren is composed of a bunch of headcanons, a lot of which were influenced by/shamelessly stolen from friends. I love him very much. thanks to everyone who helped me build my Ren along the way!

disability

goro has a disability in this fic-- single-sided deafness-- which I included because I felt it was unrealistic for him to have escaped from the engine room with no lasting consequences. I was pretty conscious of portraying it respectfully and realistically so I did my research on the condition. this source was helpful as a personal testimonial from someone who has this condition about how it affects their life.

by the way, goro's hearing aid in this fic is a CROS hearing aid, which is designed specifically for people with single-sided deafness.

one of my favorite moments in the fic is the brief conversation Goro and Ryuji have about their respective disabilities in chapter 2 -- it's short, because I didn't think either of them would really be enthusiastic about opening up to each other at that point lol, but it's nice.

I welcome criticism of how I handled this part of the fic from anyone in the Deaf community -- I'm not perfect and don't have firsthand knowledge.

mental health

obviously goro is not doing great mentally in this fic for many reasons. I have written a lot of goro-centric fics, but this one required really tapping into the headspace of a flawed person who has been traumatized & manipulated and is dealing with immense depression and guilt while recovering. like many (most?) writers I draw from my own past experiences and emotions while writing, which made this a particularly taxing fic to work on, and is definitely one of the reasons it took so long to finish 🥲

other than that I'd say one of the most difficult things was being realistic while avoiding melodrama, and portraying a real story of recovery/imparting positive messages without being too cheesy, which made some of the self-help book sections hard to write.

if you relate to goro's depressive thoughts in this fic, I hope it can be an affirming story for you. I also hope you're taking the time to reach out to people who can support you and practicing self-care.

the ending

I actually don't have a ton to say about the ending because I'd like to leave it up to interpretation. however, I will say that the ending is not the original one I had in mind when I started the fic. I'm not sure how people will react to it (if you've been following this fic maybe you'll just be happy it got an ending at all LOL) but I hope it didn't feel like it came out of nowhere.

concluding thoughts

compared to my other p5 works, this one isn't as popular even though I do consider it my best, which I will admit is disheartening. the release of p5 royal also created a new canon in which this fic does not take place, which I imagine certainly doesn't help. despite this, I got some lovely long, thoughtful comments and even occasionally saw people on social media discussing how they enjoyed this fic despite it being unfinished, which always made me super emotional. trust me, in those 4 years that this fic was lying dormant, each new comment motivated me to crack open the Google doc again and ultimately finish this work. let this be a testament to the power of comments and the ubiquitous egotism of fic writers. or writers in general, actually. thank you so much for your kindness!

if you actually read all of this, thank you again! I do like talking about this fic so feel free to ask questions or give feedback via my ask box, retrospring (linked on twitter) or ao3 comments.

I just ran a word count on this and it's like 2.5k words. good lord. bye

#textforged

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attacksustaindecay · 3 months ago

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Yumeno Garden

Oct. 1, 2024

Yumeno Garden by Last Dinosaurs

Rating: 10/10

Best Track: Forget About

Worst Track: N/A

This time, we’re throwing it back to 2018 – not quite back to the time of the last dinosaurs, but definitely a fantastic year for one of my favorite bands. This is one of my all-time favorite records (a limited re-pressing of the vinyl was also announced which is a big deal for me) and I’m so excited to share it with you.

This indie rock band from Brisbane, Australia’s name was inspired by the song “Last Dinosaur” by Japanese rock band The Pillows. Admittedly, I have not listened to this song yet but trust me - it is on my never-ending to do list. This album is the band’s third release and notably was entirely self-produced! What could have been a risky choice really paid off. The songs all exist within the same sonic realm without becoming repetitive. It’s full of infectious riffs, quirky synths, and is truly such a joy to listen to!

I’m extremely impressed by the carefully crafted lyrics. Take the song “Happy” for example. What could have been a song plagued with cliches is instead an earnest and poignant work of art. “Sense” is another example – an incredibly nuanced song about past love. It was challenging to pick my favorite track on the album, but I chose “Forget About” because of the chorus. Of all the songs on the album that chorus sticks with me long after the album finishes and I’ll catch myself singing it to myself hours later.

This is a front to back, no skips album and I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do! I would also highly recommend you check out their single “FMU”, their debut album “In A Million Years”, and their most recent release “KYORYU”. <3

#Last Dinosaurs #Indie #Indie Rock #Album Review #Australia

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lilareviewsbooks · 2 years ago

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Short SFF Books!

I know getting into SFF can be difficult because of the sheer size of series and books in the genres. So here’s a couple of speculative fiction picks that don’t require that much time to read :)

I’ve also made a part two for this, so check that out if you’d like some more short SFF!

This Is How You Lose The Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone

209 pages

sapphic rep

standalone

This one is a classic when it comes to short sci-fis (thank you, Bigolas Dickolas), and that’s definitely for a reason! This Is How You Lose The Time War is a story in an incredibly unique format that will, to be honest, probably emotionally devastate you in some way or another.

Time War follows Red and Blue, two agents working for opposite sides of, you know it, a time war. Their job is to travel through time to change the odds for their respective “agencies”. But, of course, they can’t resist leaving each other messages along in the way - in the most unique manners possible.

This queer novella will take your breath away. It will lead you through multiple timelines, split into two perspectives, Red and Blue, with a beautiful, lyrical writing style, which will make you so invested in our two main characters. The author duo treats us to these fantastical, vivid settings, which are sparkling with potencial and leave you wanting to dive deeper.

Silver In The Wood, by Emily Tesh

112 pages

achillean rep

duology

This is part of the Greenhollow Duology, but can absolutely be read as a standalone. It’s also one of my all time favorites! Silver In The Wood follows Tobias, a groundskeeper who lives deep in the woods. When Henry Silver moves into the house Tobias watches, things change - there’s something in the woods, and Tobias might just have to introduce Henry to it.

It’s been a while since I read this, but I haven’t forgotten about it. I’m always thinking about this book. The vibes are simply immaculate, and so cozy. It will literally make you feel like you’re in the woods. The character work is excellent, and focuses on older protagonists, which is always a treat. The romance is well-constructed and the second book is completely optional, taking place almost as a side-quest for the main couple.

I wish there were so many more of these, but unfortunately there are only two. But damn, are they great! Highly recommend, Silver In The Wood and its sequel, Drowned Country!

The Singing Hills Cycle, by Nghi Vo

100 to 128 pages

non-binary and sapphic rep

series

The Singing Hills Cycle is a good one to recommend, because it’s very low-commitment. You can pick whichever one of the three books (there’s soon to be a fourth!!) draws your interest, you can start with that one, and then go from there. The series follows Chih, a wandering cleric, from the Wandering Hills Abbey, which is preoccupied with keeping records of the history of this China-inspired kingdom. Chih goes around the territory with his talking bird Almost Brilliant, collecting stories.

This series is beautiful! Every book contains in it a beautiful exploration of folklore, and bite-sized story that will always warm your heart. Chih is a wonderful character around which to revolve this story, and their commitment to keeping records and history flows off the page - which is hella important, let’s record our history, folks! The side characters that show up on a book-by-book basis are always the best, and their dialogue is always the best part.

I highly recommend listening to the audiobook - I did so for the last installment, Into The Riverlands, and it was amazing! Just a 2 hour listen, if that sells ya!

The Murderbot Diaries, starting with All Systems Red, by Martha Wells

144 to 256 pages

queer rep of all kinds! yay!

series

The Murderbot Diaries is for those of us looking for a bigger committment. The series currently has 7 books, one of which is a full-length novel. However, you can read the first book as a standalone and decide if you’d like to continue on following Murderbot’s adventures! Most of the books are 150 - 200 pages long, and so are a pretty quick read!

This is perfect if you enjoy a snarky narration style and a compelling protagonist who’s trying to figure out how they fit into the world. Murderbot, our main character and narrator, is a SecUnit, that is, a security android, that must accompany a scientific expedition to a distant planet, to keep the explorers safe. But Murderbot has hacked its security mode, and enjoys watching TV shows and chilling by itself. But when the mission starts to go wrong, it might need to perk up and start - oh, no! - interacting with the humans.

Although I haven’t read the whole series yet, - I’m waiting for the mood to come over me, okay! - I have the first three books under my belt, and I’m so excited to continue. Murderbot has this spark and this snark which is just so entertaining to read, and so this book will have you laughing and rooting for it as it tries to figure out how to fit in in human society. Such a compelling character, and I’m happy there’s a lot of content out there for me to consume.

The Emperor’s Soul, by Brandon Sanderson

192 pages

no gay rep :(

standalone

The Emperor’s Soul is a part of Mr. Sanderson’s Elantris universe, but can be read as a standalone without knowing anything else about this world. It’s a bit of a different rec - Mr. Sanderson’s writing style is - and I mean this in the politest way possible - dry as fuck, and definitely not for everyone. But there’s something here I think is worth your time.

The magic system here is so unique and so fascinating. The Emperor’s Soul follows Shai, a Forger, who can copy objects flawlessly by re-writing their history. But, suddenly, she’s enlisted to do the impossible - Forge the Emperor.

I would give this one a try, even if it’s not like all the others one I recommended. It’s a good read, and Mr. Sanderson is, like it or not, a classic fantasy writer that’s a must-read for most fantasy fans. And, for me, this and then Mistborn were perfect stepping in points for his fiction.

I have so many of these, guys. Like, literally, so many. So, let me know if you want more of these - I’ll write up another post! And if you’d more specific recs, feel free to drop an ask :)

Also, check out my SFF books with queer-normal worlds list, if you’re looking for more gay stuff!

#book recommendations #book recs #booklr #books #queer books #queer sff #queer reads #sapphic books #lgbtq books #novella #sff novellas #short book #this is how you lose the time war #greenhollow duology #silver in the wood #murderbot #the emperors soul #brandon sanderson #fantasy books

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wolfkitty42 · 1 year ago

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My Thoughts On The 2023 HoYoFair.

Wow. This year was full of utter gems. I'm just going to link a couple of the ones I especially enjoyed, and put my thoughts on them below.

youtube

I was extremely hyped up for Shadows in the Sand. It's always been a quest I enjoyed, and Jeht is by far one of my favorite npcs. (Although I hope some day she won't just be an npc... Make her playable, Mihoyo!) While I felt like the short was a little rushed, it was still a wonderful tribute to the quest. I love the reveal at the end with Jeht removing her mask. It was also nice to see Lumine!

youtube

I was also very hyped up for Times Changed after seeing teaser images for it. I adore Lumine's new outfit! I didn't really enjoy the short that much, but I admire the quality of the animation. If you're looking for Genshin fan animations to watch, try this one!

youtube

When I saw PROGENITOR: Albedo had gotten a second episode, I was thrilled! For those who haven't seen any of this series, I highly recommend checking it out. Here's hoping we'll see a third episode next year!

youtube

I actually only got onto the stream right before Riptide started. I love this song! The animation is beautiful and I think the singing and lyrics fits Childe's personality very well. Check it out!

youtube

Writing on the Wall is genuinely one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. Up until hearing this, I have been a Kaveh hater. Sorry! Haikaveh just didn't really appeal to me that much, and... That was pretty much all of the widespread Kaveh content I had seen. I knew Kaveh had more nuance in his character, but I felt very unmotivated to look into him.

That being said, this song helped clarify what I knew about him. I started crying halfway through the song. (And okay I'm sick with a cold so my eyes are already leaking 24/7, but still!) Writing on the Wall perfectly captures the feeling of losing motivation to finish your art. At least for me, I used to often find myself making paintings for friends. This became incredibly demotivating over time because I felt like I had to perfect details and I lost the sense of fun in drawing. Over the past year and a half, I've been trying to draw for myself more.

This song spoke to me so much. The lyric about the architect remaining inside their buildings especially stood out to me. You can see an artist in any of their works. Even if there's no written signature, every stroke and line is a signature in itself.

So... Am I converted to being a Kaveh fan now? Honestly, I'm not sure. That being said, I do have a c6 Kaveh... (cough cough Baizhu pulls x3). Maybe I'll finally try building him.

#kaveh #hoyofair #genshin impact #Youtube

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canonicallyanxious · 1 month ago

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Favorite 2024 Song Finds

As per tradition these are not all released in 2024; basically though this list is for jams i listened to for the first time this year and became obsessed with

Every year i make what i call a "365 playlist" (366 for 2024, since it was a leap year) which started as a playlist i added a song a day to but nowadays functions more as a yearly snapshot in playlist form of the music i listened to and vibed with in a year. i've made one every year since 2019 and it's one of my favorite personal traditions. the one i made for 2024 can be found here (note that the year is not yet over so i'm still fine tuning, i will eventually have this pruned down to 366 songs)

Full list and notes/ramblings under the cut:

10. Walk Through Fire - Yannis & The Yaw (2024)

9. All the time / Tout le temps - The Knocks, Yelle (2024)

8. Even When The Water's Cold - !!! (2013)

7. Garden of Eden - Rachel Chinouriri (2024)

6. synthesizer - DE'WAYNE (2024) / deeply treasured rec from @parkshuppy, who introduced this song to me as "the trans anthem i heard on the radio" (also the video serves absolute cunt, i just need it to be said)

5. Steady Waves - Cross Record (2016)

4. CHIHIRO - Billie Eilish (2024) / some might be surprised this made it onto the list rather than the absolutely iconic gen z queer anthem of the ages LUNCH but this is hands down my favorite song off of an album i absolutely adore, finneas went off with that production and i can't get enough of it even now

3. Get High - Herizen (2018) / that drop in the chorus changed my whole life

2. On My Mama - Victoria Monet (2023) / at the beginning of the year when i was struggling the most with Mysterious Chronic Illness That Still Has No Name my therapist suggested i make a playlist as a low pressure way to express my feelings about it. i liked this idea so much i made 3, one of which was a playlist meant to hype myself up when i needed the confidence/energy boost, and i put this song at the very top of that list. so that probably explains why this is my most played song of the year. you can listen to the full playlist here if you want

1. Kororon - Eve (2022) / actually though i'm really genuinely surprised this song did not take the top spot on my spotify wrapped considering every time it came on this year i did put it on repeat at least 4 or 5 times but it is number one on the only list that matters so there. The music video is really wonderful, highly recommend checking it out if you like quality animation and sapphic undertones

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Featuring: a selection of catchy and upbeat vocaloid songs with unhinged lyrics (presented in order of more or less increasing unhingedery; i feel it would only be responsible to include a warning for go to daitokai for, shall we say, incredibly sexually explicit lyrics), and Kesha

Joyride - Kesha / song of the summer, i'm lowkey devastated it never became the giant hit it deserved to be

All I Need Are Things I Like - PinnochioP / i am a hatsune miku stan now what can i say

Dappou Rock - Neru / i have only one word to describe the music video for this song, and that is "bonkers"

ゴー・��ゥ・大都会 [Go To Daitokai] - ニャン・トンロン [Niang Donglong] / and yet this is such a fucking bop i have it on all my playlists and i'm not even a little bit sorry

#sarah.txt #2024 recap

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corvuscorona · 1 year ago

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SHADOW MONSTER - an Astos playlist

...for when you need to spend about an hour rotating that guy in your mind at top speed, or at least a little faster than chillout speed.

(YouTube playlist here) • (tracklist etc. below the cut)

Needed a playlist I could Think About Astos To while doing chores or whatever & it turned out I had the ammunition I needed to be kinda picky, so I'm sharing it here with all my comrades-in-Astos-scholarship, too! You know, in case you also need some music to Think About Astos To. Which seems possible-to-likely, I think.

I have only included tracks that are reasonably well balanced for Normal Listening (just please forgive me for the PS2 synth horns in "finish the promise" if you can find it in your heart). Also, if you use the YT playlist, Man Human is shorter than it should be, so listen to it twice if you want.

ACT I: IMPETUS

Creep City • Jake Shears I said I'd hang on for the ride / now I'm hanging on for dear life / …is that a real knife? バケモノ信者 (Bakemono Shinja / Monster Believer) • MAIKI-P 人の顔した　バケモノさ / 気づけば僕も　バケモノさ • hito no kao shita bakemono sa / kizukeba boku mo bakemono sa it's a monster with a human face / and now that I think about it, I'm a monster, too 心臓 (Shinzō / Heart[1]) • TOOBOE 蘇ってしまうよ　貴方の為なら幾らでも / 間違いも愛せるよ　馬鹿なもんでさ / 生き返ってしまうよ　貴方がくれた命だから • yomigaette shimau yo anata no tame nara ikura demo / machigai mo aiseru yo baka na monde sa / ikikaette shimau yo anata ga kureta inochidakara for you, I'd revive again and again / loving even the mistakes, fool that I am / I'll come back to life because it's the life you gave me

ACT II: THE PROCESS

Bleed it Out • Linkin Park half the words don't mean a thing / and I know that I won't be satisfied Man Human • Denki Groove for Devilman Crybaby Just One Yesterday • Fall Out Boy I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way / still, I'd trade all my tomorrows…

ACT III: MADNESS

Décolleté • Kenshi Yonezu 兎角疲れました / 数えるから直ぐに消えて • tokaku tsukaremashita / kazoeru kara sugu ni kiete at any rate, I'm exhausted / I'll count, so hurry up and disappear [2] うみなおし (Uminaoshi / Rebirth[3]) • Maretu 君は何も悪くないぜ / (多分) • kimi wa nani mo warukunai ze / (tabun) you've done nothing wrong / (probably) 空想メソロギヰ (Kuusou Mesorogiwi / Fantastical Mesology) • Yousei Teikoku for Future Diary (See [4] below.)

ACT IV: FOR WHAT

A Good Song Never Dies • Saint Motel it just reminds you of where you were / the first time it made you cry / the first time you felt alive… SHADOW MONSTER • Toki Asako 探しものは踊らなきゃ見つからない • sagashimono wa odoranakya mitsukaranai if we don't dance, we won't find what we're looking for.

ACT V: RESOLVE

JUMPER • CAPSULE anger stress and secrets they won't break you wake up put aside you(')r(e) feeling nothing freely speed up landing stepping jumping jump Leave The Light On • Overcoats what if I don't make it home / you're not there, and the light's not on

ACT VI: THE END

still feel. • half•alive when it's hopeless, I start to notice / that I still feel alive finish the promise • MOTOO FUJIWARA for Tales of the Abyss White Light • Superfly for Tales of Zestiria 正解なんてない間違いなんてない / 塗り替えてゆけ在るべき世界へ • seikai nante nai machigai nante nai / nurikaete yuke arubeki sekai e there's no such thing as right; there's no such thing as wrong / remake this world into what it should have been

( NOTES )

[1] - Specifically the anatomical term. Metaphorical uses of this word do seem to be a thing, but skew more towards meaning something like "courage" (think "guts" or "spine") as opposed to 心 (kokoro) on its own, which is used for something more like "essence", "spirit", "soul". Incidentally, I highly… HIGHLY recommend watching the MV for this one (Check the YT link before the readmore)! [2] - Eternal plug for vgperson, who has been my source for Kenshi Yonezu lyrics since something like 2010, and is the backbone of society. Check out the full translation there (ctrl+F the title!) to get a feel for this song's whole... vibe (which I'd describe as a very specific flavor of "fuck. god damn it. whatever; leave me alone," which of course is why it's here). [3] - There's a footnote on the Vocaloid Lyrics Wiki page for this song that conveys something interesting about the title; it says: "'Uminaoshi' isn’t a word that’s typically used to mean 'rebirth'; rather, it is a compound made up of a word meaning 'to give birth' and a word that carries the sense of doing something over to fix mistakes, because you messed it up the last time," which is fun, I think. [4] - This song's lyrics are poetic in a way that makes them difficult to interpret as-written, let alone translate in a way that makes literally any sense at all. The official MV does have English subtitles that are NOT auto-translated, though. Those are the most coherent piece of information I can give you (check the YT link before the readmore!) re: why the Future Diary OP is even in this playlist, except for this statement: it's about breaking free of a time loop that's being treated like a game in some way by The Entity In Charge Of It. (And also, it sounds like... you know, like the way that it sounds.)

#stranger of paradise #stranger of paradise final fantasy origin #sopffo #hi everybody I'm going to go write fic now I just had to get this OUT of my drafts and into your ears first. thank you I love you bye #EDIT: my wife (immediately): 'what kind of play has six acts' listen is there a better way to separate a chunk into smaller chunks #which I think u should eat in order? NO? didn't think so.

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magicalmikuri · 2 years ago

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Some of my favorite Lostwave Songs - Solved and Unsolved (Part 2)

THAT'S RIGHT BABY IT'S BACK!!! For those who missed part 1, you can check out my lostwave gush-fest here.

Solved -

Found A Place by The Jazz Hipsters - Spooky vibes but very cool. Unfortunately this band hasn't seem to release anything else.

Boogie Home by Billy Workman - I love me some glam rock.

Summer's End by Prince of the Blood - The entire album, Portsmouth, is honestly so good, especially the titular song.

Creepy Crawlies by Bing Hitler with the Chain Gang - Not the best band name, but was a stage name of a Scottish comedian named Craig Ferguson. Picturing Shrek singing while listening to this is highly recommend.

Maniac Laughing by Johnny Cohen - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-

Oceans of Time by Al Bowlly - I love me some crunchy old music.

Mental by Tripp7 - This song slaps, it's also one of the few available on Spoofy so go check it out on there!

Weekend by Charlatan - Lovin' that sax. I also recommend En Walki Talki Man.

Take Off by Kigoy - This song sounds like it crawled out of an abandoned subway station and I mean that in the best way possible I love this song. Unfortunately it seems Kigoy only really did two songs, this and this one here that's worth checking out.

At the Lightworks by Ellie Greenwich - Yes, the Ellie Greenwich! I assume this song was solved in like five seconds. Delightfully 60s.

Paragon by NuKeMOuT - This song goes hard, feel free to screenshot.

Magic Summer by Captains - Lovin' that sax (again.) Also I love this lady's voice.

Unsolved -

"Johnny" - I can't see a sail boat without thinking of this song

"Treadmill of Time" - Possibly identified as a song by a band called Memorybank. Everyone says it has Depeche Mode vibes (I think originally it was passed of as an outtake of there's though it obviously isn't) but it gives me more TMBG vibes.

"Friends" - May sound like it's from a kid's show but it's VERY NOT. It's actually from, like, the opposite of that.

"Let's Get Up" - Another song from a porn film. Steals a lot of its lyrics from Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Ritchie but is actually better.

"I Was A Fool In Love" - One that's weirdly grown on me over the past few weeks???

"Trip To Rio" - The intro is honestly one of the catchiest things I've ever heard, period. I hope we find the full version soon.

"Poor Christmas" - The lostwave Christmas song, and I love it for that. I'm not at all religious I'm just weird and dig Christmas music.

"CIA" - Sounds like it's from a movie, it's got that cinematic vibe to it.

"Leylo Lo La" - Possibly a cover of a cover...?

"Ai wa Subete" - I love me some Japanese lostwave.

Might do a part 3 or a other songs by lostwave artists and where to support them (obviously the latter can only really apply to people with solved songs).

#lostwave #unknown music #the most mysterious song on the internet #obscure music #magicalmikurambles

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bubblegum-blackwood · 9 months ago

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13 Books Tag Game

Tagged by @mothmage 🖤

1) The last book I read:

Ghost Of by Diana Khoi Nguyen. This is a book of poetry I read for my Intro to Poetry class - it deals heavily with grief, having been written in the aftermath of the death of the author's brother, and if you like free verse, concrete poems, or stream-of-consciousness-like verse, this would definitely be something to check out. Also Othello by William Shakespeare :3

2) A book I recommend:

If We Were Villains by ML Rio! It's about a bunch of theatre kids going to an arts conservatory to study Shakespeare. People fuck, people do drugs, people get murdered, and like half the cast is gay and repressed about it. The prose is really vivid, and overall, I'm just super impressed with the story and the characters Rio created!

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice. I know this is a Vampire Chronicles blog so that seems rather obvious but I truly was captivated by this book. Checking it out from the library was one of the best decisions I ever made.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

I'm going to cheat for this one and do a play instead: Hamlet by William Shakespeare. I first read it in school in junior high, then again on my own my sophomore year of high school, and I've flipped through it several times since then. As much as I love other Shakespeare plays like Much Ado About Nothing and Twelfth Night and Romeo and Juliet, I never seem to run out of things to say about Hamlet. It's just so rich.

5) A book on my TBR:

Ohhhh soooo many sdljkfklfjasklfsjlkjfskl. But my friend gifted me Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M Danforth for my birthday and I figure I should get around to it at some point 😅

6) A book I’ve put down:

A year or two ago, my mother came home from Target with Ramses the Damned: The Reign of Osiris by Anne and Christopher Rice, because she saw our goth mom's name and figured I'd appreciate it since I like the Vampire Chronicles. It's not the first in the series, and I was having a hard time connecting to these random new characters, so I closed the book after a few pages and it's been sitting untouched on my bookshelf ever since 😅

7) A book on my wish list:

Every year for my birthday and Christmas I ask for one or two Shakespeare plays because I want to collect the full set (of all the ones I'm interested in LOL). Next on the list is The Comedy of Errors.

8) A favorite book from childhood:

Ummmm I'm trying to think. I have an abridged version of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott that I read several times in fifth and sixth grade, so I'll go with that. (hilariously, I remember almost nothing about the plot of the book now)

9) A book you would give to a friend:

I'll go with Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen because that is currently the book that I have been badgering my bestie to read lol

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own

The aforementioned Ghost Of but also Girl's Guide to Leaving by Laura Villareal, also something I read for my poetry class, and also something I would totally recommend!

11) A nonfiction book you own:

So many, mostly for school. Gender: Ideas, Interactions, Institutions by Lisa Wade and Myra Marx Feree (3rd edition) is something I bought for my sociology of gender class a few semesters ago, and I would highly recommend! It is very enlightening and full of interesting facts.

12) What are you currently reading:

Blood Canticle by Anne Rice! It's wacky as fuck but you know what, I'm actually enjoying myself. I just haven't gotten very far because I'm super busy with school this semester so I haven't had as much time to read for pleasure sadtoad.jpg

13) What are you planning on reading next?

The next play my Shakespeare class is reading is The Taming of the Shrew, so I guess technically that sfdasffasdf. For VC, I'll move on to Prince Lestat after finishing BCan.

tagging: @fofoqueirah @hekateinhell @covenofthearticulate @dorianslayyy and @leslutdepointedulac

#vc #tag game

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my-chemical-wheaties · 1 year ago

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Albums That I Listened to in January 2024

Last month, I made the first of what I plan to be a series of twelve posts where I share what albums I listened to in the month before then and what I thought about them.

Here are the twelve albums that I listened to this month:

Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood (2019)

When We Were That What Wept for the Sea - Colin Stetson (2023)

3D Country - Geese (2023)

Middle Cyclone - Neko Case (2009)

In Colour - Jamie xx (2015)

Atlanta Millionaires Club - Faye Webster (2019)

Color Me Country - Linda Martell (1970)

Madison - Sloppy Jane (2021)

Marquee Moon - Television (1977)

Heaven or Las Vegas - Cocteau Twins (1990)

Fantasies - Metric (2009)

In My Own Time - Karen Dalton (1971)

Here's how I'd rank these albums:

Madison - I decided to give this album a listen purely out of curiosity because of how fascinated I was by the story behind how it got made. For those of you who are unaware, songwriter Haley Dahl and her band Sloppy Jane recorded this album in the Lost World Caverns in West Virginia over the course of two weeks, and for an album that was recorded in a literal cave, it's excellent. The orchestral, art pop compositions are absolutely beautiful, and Haley is a great lyricist whose ability to convey certain emotions and experiences with such visceral imagery and usage of symbolism throughout multiple tracks is something I admire and respect. Going into this album knowing that it was recorded in a cave adds to the atmosphere of the album, too. While listening, I couldn't help but imagine Haley and company playing these songs in a dark cavern in the middle of the night. I could go on about this album and how much I love it for pages, but I these posts are already kind of long as it stands, and I don't want it to be any longer. Definitely give it a listen, especially if you're as big of a Kate Bush fan as I am, because this has her influence all over it. 10/10

2. Middle Cyclone - Ever since I discovered her music last year before I started this personal challenge, Neko Case has quickly become one of my favorite artists and this album only further demonstrates to me why I've come to love her work so much. The way she blends together indie rock and country scratches an itch for me; and much like in her album preceding this one, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood, Middle Cyclone demonstrates Neko's incredible lyricism, particularly her ability to convey emotional rawness and human vulnerability in such a straightforward, yet eloquently profound way. Given that this is also what I would consider Neko Case's most accessible album, I would highly recommend anyone who hasn't already listened to her work to check this album out - especially if you're a fan of artists like Julien Baker, Lucy Dacus, or Adrienne Lenker who I think all owe a part of their sound and success to her. 8/10

3. In My Own Time - Karen Dalton is, in my opinion, one of the most underrated artists of the 60s and 70s and deserves more recognition than what she gets. Only the second album she ever released in her lifetime, there's something especially pleasant about her different covers of these songs (Yes, this is a covers album - Karen didn't really write or record original material). It makes me feel like I am sitting in a living room in a house on the countryside watching the snow fall in the winter or the leave rustling in the breeze in the summer. Not to mention that Karen has a beautiful alto voice. I actually like some of these covers better than their original versions. If you're looking for late sixties/early seventies folk music to listen to, I would recommend checking this album out. 9/10

4. Fantasies - Metric is a band that has been on my radar for a while now, but for some reason, I haven't gone out of my way to listen to any of their albums in full until now. All of the tracks go pretty hard, and I really like Emily Haines' voice. My favorite band Paramore cited Metric as an influence for their most recent album This Is Why, and I can definitely see where they were inspired. If any of you like Paramore or Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I would definitely give this album a listen. 7/10

5. Titanic Rising - This album sounds like walking through an antique store that is faintly playing old obscure 80s music on its loudspeakers as you gaze over the various items decorating each "room" in the store, the scent of vintage goods and old wood wafting through the air. Weyes Blood's voice reminds me of a cross between Eurhythmics' Annie Lennox and Enya, and the instrumentation and production on this album are stunningly beautiful. I was worried going into this album that I wouldn't be able to get into it because the tracks are all on the slower side in terms of tempo, but I actually found myself liking this one a lot. 9/10

6. Color Me Country - Linda Martell is an important figure in country music history who, despite her significance and the barriers she helped break down for black artists in the genre, has been oft forgotten. The first black artist in history to perform at the Grand Ole Opry, she only ever released one studio album - Color Me Country, in 1970. The album consists of pretty standard country music that was common at the time, with lyrical subject matter typical of the genre - but just because an album isn't sonically pushing the envelope, doesn't mean that it can't be good. I don't know what it was, but something lit up in me listening to this album and I really enjoyed what I heard. It makes me wonder what else she would have done had she continued her music career and released more material. Either way, this is a wonderful album from an incredible woman who deserves a lot more attention to her work. 7/10

7. 3D Country - This album sounds like a fusion between The Rolling Stones and Queen and I'm kind of living for it. It's genuinely good, fun, classic-styled rock music that doesn't take itself too seriously and has some really unique qualities to it. St. Elmo has been stuck in my head ever since I first heard it, and little embellishments like the harp on the title track really give this album its own personality. If you're somebody who primarily listens to older music who wants to try something newer or are just looking for more rock bands to get into, I recommend giving this album a try. 8/10

8. Atlanta Millionaires Club - Did you know that Faye Webster and I are the same age? I'm so used to artists either being older or younger than me that seeing someone around my age making music is both surprising and refreshing to me at the same time. This might be part of the reason why I clicked with this album a bit better than some of the other ones that I listened to this last month - Faye and I are in kind of the same place in life and due to us being the same age, and we probably share a similar perspective and experiences. It also helps that Faye is an adroit lyricist, and the chill indie rock instrumentation suits her voice well. The only issue that I have with this album is that the track Flowers near the end sounds jarring given how different it is from the rest of the album. 8/10

9. When We Were That What Wept for the Sea - This album gaslit me into thinking I have synesthesia. No really, I'm serious - I listened to this album while driving at night and I remember during the beginning of either Infliction or Passage I started smelling freshly brewed coffee. I didn't have any coffee in the car with me and I was not in an area where there would be any coffee brewing nearby. It was wild. And then after that it started smelling like the produce section of a grocery store in the beginning of the second half of the album. Anyways, this experimental ambient album by saxophonist Colin Stetson was really interesting to listen to and there are a lot of cool details scattered throughout each song. It wasn't what I was expecting at all, but it was a pleasant surprise. It would probably pair well with the flute album Andre 3000 put out last year. 8/10

10. Marquee Moon - This is a classic album that I see getting a ton of praise, so I figured I would give it a listen. It's a pretty good album, although the tracks sound a little bit samey at times. The two songs that stand out to me are Venus and the title track. 7/10

11. In Colour - The only solo album (As of right now) from The xx member Jamie xx makes for a fairly pleasant listening experience. Jamie seems to be veering slightly away from the indie rock elements of The xx's work and more into electronic and pop, incorporating some hip-hop influences along the way. The featured appearances all fit in nicely, and the album overall sounds like the chill cousin of Daft Punk's Homework. 8/10

12. Heaven or Las Vegas - Please don't take me ranking this album last as some indication that I don't like it. I actually enjoyed it - albeit think that it's overrated. The number of people that I have seen praising this album and talking about how great it is made me think that it was going to be some amazing, mind-altering experience to listen to, but it was really a series of (Super short) shoegaze-y pop tracks that are just good. I don't really get why people hype up Cocteau Twins so much. You would think that they invented sliced bread with the way some people talk about them. 7/10

So far, I've really been enjoying most of the albums that I listen to. I have a few albums in mind that I plan to listen to in full in February, but again, if anyone wants to recommend me anything, you are always welcome to leave a comment. :)

#music #albums #album ranking #sloppy jane #neko case #karen dalton #metric band #weyes blood #linda martell #geese band #faye webster #colin stetson #television band #jamie xx #cocteau twins #january

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