#also hes old and my problem is my old one retired. and i dont want to have that problem again any time soon. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goldenlikedayl1ght · 2 months ago

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cowboy like me | r. reynolds

a/n: guess who's back. haha. sorry i said i was on hiatus and then wrote this. i saw thunderbolts and made it everyone else's problem so here is a fuck of a long fic. i dont know i just wanted to put all my ideas in one so there is a lot going on in this one but yeah. uhm. no real smut because i didn't wanna write because they fuck a lottt also the entire concept is based off this one screenshot i have and i do not know where i got it (it was from some sort of meme) but yeah! warnings: SELF HARM!! no really super serious descriptions but the reader is mentally ill and so is bob and reader does hurt herself at some point and bob wraps them. lots of talks of addiction and alcoholism and sobriety. lots of kissing and allusions to sex and teasing and everyone (bob and reader) is mentally ill and, yeah. sentry and void have a conversation with bob in his brain. also book club. word count: 9.4k summary: you get a text from an old friend and think.. you could do worse than a book club.. with some benefits. pairing: bob reynolds x sober!reader now playing: cowboy like me - taylor swift "now you hang from my lips/like the gardens of babylon/with your boots beneath my bed/forever is the sweetest con."

The first text comes at 5:43 on a Tuesday.

‘do you wanna start fucking again like maybe once a week?’

You must’ve sat, staring at your phone for twenty minutes. Who the fuck..?

The second text comes at 6:32.

‘it can be like a little book club, we can read the same book and discuss’

Book club..?

You ask yourself if this is some sort of joke, and another text shows up three minutes later--

‘i also have a real bed now.’

And then you remember this meth head you used to sleep with, some Florida guy who was always taking odd jobs to fuel his addiction—Cashier, house sitter, alligator hunter, amusement park mascot.. until he got fired, which always seemed inevitable.

You suppose you have no room to judge. You had only been in Jacksonville after your last friend in New York told you no more, that they wouldn’t watch you destroy yourself. But you didn’t need them to, you never needed an audience to fuel the urge to rip every little bit of your soul apart.

You had taken a job working at a Dunkin Donuts that was right next to a liquor store. It seemed as if the universe had given you a sign. You could retire here. Nothing but part time shifts, a bottle of vodka, and a shitty room for rent from the kinkiest 72-year-old lesbian you had ever met.. You had a little bit of respect for her, a sort of ‘good for her’ attitude.

And then, you met Bob.

You met Bob at a dealer’s house.

Romantic, right?

Bob was about to take his first hit in six or seven hours, and you sat uncomfortably scrunched against the couch, trying not to think about how many fucked up things had happened there.

And he sat on the other side of the couch, Bob sat, flicking his lighter on and off while he waited.

..The girl you were with was currently.. paying for the coke she wanted. You were never a fan of drugs, alcohol was your one and only, your soulmate—you could never cheat on her. But this girl promised to buy shots at the next bar. And now you had to listen to her ‘pay’ her dealer—and you presumed Bob’s dealer in the other room.

“Hey.” He speaks first.

You give him a side glance.

“Hey.”

“Waiting for.. stuff?”

“Just waiting for my friend.”

“Oh. Cool.”

A beat.

“What’s your—“

“Alcohol.”

“Oh. Cool. Mine’s meth.”

“Great.”

A beat.

“I need a fuckin’ hit man, I don’t know what’s taking her so long to fucking pay—”

God, you wanted a drink in that moment.

“So, he’s your dealer?”

“Yeah. And my roommate. My rooms the one down the hall.”

“Cool.”

Another beat.

You began tapping your foot against the carpet.

“Oh my god, it doesn’t take that long to—”

“It fucking takes a minute, relax,” You scoffed.

“Not this long.” You caught the unspoken words.

And then, almost in sync, you looked at each other, fully turning your heads to really see what one another looks like. Your eyes flickered up and down his features. Drunk as you were, you knew you could do much worse than this guy.

But before you could say anything, he spoke again,

“Wanna see my room?”

Your ‘friend’ didn’t really seem to be finishing up her transaction anytime soon. Plus, it.. had been a while.

“Sure.” You said, and you followed Bob two steps behind on the way down to his bedroom. When he opened the door, you know deep down sober you would be mortified—well, only if the sex was bad.

His room was small, clothes laid about in various piles across the room—a few lighters, a coin or two next to the odd chip bag.. and in the corner of his room, a twin sized mattress laid on the floor, black sheets and a red blanket, one that had been clearly loved.. and a very old pillow.

You just stared until Bob grabbed your wrist, pulling you along to the bed. He sat on the bed first, tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and gently prompted you to ‘c’mere.’ As you sat on his lap, you realized that this guy was cute enough for this to become a regular thing.

Your lips locked with his, slowly pulling him in with slow, gentle kisses as if the two of you weren’t giving plenty of time for the moment to be interrupted by the end of the transaction in the other room.

And then, your hands traced up from his shoulders, past his neck and ears, curls wrapping around your fingers.

As if you couldn’t help yourself, you found yourself gently tugging at his hair, listening as he let out this soft moan, and you couldn’t deny—you could totally get used to this.

And after, when you laid back on his stupid twin sized mattress without a bedframe, your finger stayed twirled in his curls. Then, when he heard the other bedroom door open, he pulled on his boxers and got up, grabbing a sweatshirt as he headed to the door. He glanced back to you to ask,

“’m going to take a hit, want anything?”

“Something to drink?”

“I’ll get you a beer.” He had offered, and you found yourself smiling.

So, you came back. Again. And again. And again. And again. And then you got sober. Or at least, that’s the version you’d give your therapist when you next spoke.

When you got sober, you had gone from a smartphone to a flip phone, deleting and blocking many of the numbers from your party days.. until you had gotten to Bob. All you did was delete his contact from your phone—he still had your number if he wanted to reach out.

But he hadn’t. Not for the past nineteen months, and you’ll be honest—Month eight was such a big month for you (being able to babysit your niece by yourself for the first time, saving up for your own apartment, no roommates or family, and enrolling in a night class or two), so you had forgotten the meth head who purred when you played with his hair.

And yet..

You felt this.. tug. At something.

You found yourself responding—

“hey, i’ve been sober for nineteen months. not interested if ur still using.”

Your texting habits reflected your archaic tech.

But you meant it—Bob was.. well, you didn’t like to think about the things you felt for him, but it was enough to make you bury it as deep down as you could.

“me too”

And then, seven minutes later,

“therapy too lol.”

You glance at the time. You think about your favorite bar’s bottomless margaritas on Tuesdays, and you realize it has been a while.. it was typical for people not to date within a year of sobriety. But it had been nineteen months..

And this wasn’t a date.

It was book club..

“what do u want to read?”

You toss the flip phone on your bed and walk over to the shelf in the corner of your room. You inspect the spines of the few books you have and realize they’re not book club material.

You pick your phone back up to read the text—

“great gatsby? i never read it in school”

Neither had you. Maybe you had been assigned it once upon a time.

“okay. next thursday enough time?”

You were serious about the book club aspect of this. You know two things—

One, no mater how he answers, you’ll have to talk this over with your therapist. Maybe even your sister. You barely ever take risks, not since getting sober, and this risk scares the shit out of you..

Two—You are almost giddy at the idea of tugging at Bob’s hair. You’ve been alone for too long, but you can’t seem to trust yourself enough to download a dating app and hook up with strangers (you theorize you could become as addicted to hookups as you were to alcohol) and the idea of getting into a serious relationship makes you feel sick.. so maybe this is a good compromise.

You glance at the phone in your hand and see one more text--

“sure :)”

So, you send him an address to a coffee shop near your apartment. He asks you if three works. You say yes.

When you tell your therapist about it the next day, this huge smile grows on her face as you tell her about your dilemma—to be or not to be, to go or not to go, to fuck Bob or not to fuck Bob.

You debate this back and forth, and your therapist eventually tells you—

“As your therapist, I shouldn’t and couldn’t push you to do this. Read the book. Go to coffee. At the very least, you’ll get some closure. Or.. you could have an outlet. Remember your boundaries, and don’t pursue anything you aren’t comfortable doing. Ask him questions about his sobriety if it’s important for you to know to feel comfortable. Think about it, and we can talk about it next week before you go.”

And that was pretty good advice. You contemplated it, back and forth, bouncing a mental tennis ball off a mental wall in an imaginary room. Sometimes, there are bottles of booze in the imaginary room, and other times, Bob sits in the corner. Quietly watching you ‘throw the ball.” Somedays it’s just you and the tennis ball.

You’re very normal.

When you told your sister, she just laughed.

“So, at what point did you start seriously considering this?”

“..When I realized he had an actual bed now.”

And that’s all you can respond, because you can’t explain how curious you are. He was a meth head named Bob who had no bed frame, and yet.. you want him. After nineteen months, you think about the way he focused his attention to you in between sips, in between hits, in between fucks.

How his hand rested on your side, how those stormy eyes studied yours as you talked, asking questions about your delusional rambles—

“Right, but what does that mean?” He had asked one night.

“What does what mean?”

“What the fuck does it mean that I ‘am’ the.. hanging gardens of Babylon?” You had rolled your eyes, and the pads of your fingertips against his lips.

“They were a uh,” Your eyes flicker up and down his face. “These.. gardens. City of Babylon, a long long time ago-- They were supposed to so beautiful but there’s no archeological proof they ever existed, except they’re mentioned in poetry, so.. They may or may not be real and we’ll never know. You remind me of them.”

Bob just stared at you for a long time. He didn’t say anything but the way his eyes fixated on you made you alive.. And maybe more alive than the booze, and that thought petrified you because up until that point, drinking was your life. So, you ignored it. What else were you supposed to do?

When you’re done with therapy for the day, you go to the closest bookstore. You pick up the cheapest paperback you can find of Gatsby and then, your eye wanders, as it always done in a bookstore. You spot a book on The Seven Ancient Wonders of the world.. And you decide to buy it when you see the large chapter on The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

///

The week passes quickly because you find yourself filling any free time you have with reading, underlining and circling quotes and words that F Scott Fitzgerald decided were good enough to convey his themes.

You barely register that it’s Thursday morning when it comes because all you want to do is reread your favorite parts over and over again while you get ready for the day. Before you know it, it’s.. time for book club.

You decide to get there ten minutes before three, hoping you’ll be able to grab a drink and relax before Bob shows up. The bell on the door of the café rings when you walk in, and there are a couple of patrons..

But you find yourself stopping in your tracks when you see a familiar face in the corner, a book on the table, as his finger traces a pattern on the cover.. absently. Like he’s somewhere else.

And then his head picks up, and he notices you. Neither of you say anything, neither of you smile.

In an instant, you’re not sure if you can do this, if—

“Decaf red velvet latte with whipped cream and cinnamon for Bob?” The barista calls, and he stands and approaches the counter, mumbling a thanks to the barista. When he glances down and notices your name scribbled on the side of a cup marked ‘half n half’ and ‘two splenda’, he picks it up and turns, handing you the cup.

“Hi.” He says, and you find yourself reaching out to take the cup, as if you just saw Bob yesterday.

“Hey.” You exhale a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Wordlessly, the two of you sit at the table.

And there is quiet.

Until, Bob asks,

“So.. how have you been?”

“..Fine.”

“..Cool.” You remember this awkward feeling. Like right before the first time, you slept together. “Thanks for meeting with me.” He breathes after a moment, and you nod.

“Yeah.” You breathe, and then he asks,

“You’ve been sober since the last time we—”

“What did you think about the book?” You ask, reaching to take a sip of your coffee. Bob nods, taking the hint.

“I.. liked it.” He says, “It was a good first book for this. I liked that.. that Nick reflects on his life through these other characters and realizes what he does, or doesn’t, want.. How about you?” He asks.

“I liked it too,” and you find yourself wanting to just ramble about your analysis but you bite your tongue. “I think Daisy is a fascinating character too, especially in the way she seems so trapped in her situation. Like being with Gatsby is the only way she can feel alive or free or something.”

Bob considers this for a second.

“Yeah,” He starts, “But she’s.. a rich woman. She’s inherently part of the system that you claim traps her and is actively benefiting from her wealth.”

Wait.. was your awkward meth head situationship kinda.. smart?

You adjust from your rigid position and lean into the conversation a bit.

“Well, Why can’t it be both?” You wonder, “She can benefit from these systems and be miserable in them—she’s miserable, maybe because she’s benefiting from it, and her wealth doesn’t negate the abuse and strain on her marriage.” You say and go to take another sip of your coffee.

Bob is quiet.

Then, he says—

“Yeah. I think you’re right.” He smiles a little, and you feel your heart in your throat. “So do you think the green light was actually supposed to be as important as pop culture makes it seem, or was that just..”

“I think it is as important as we’re led to believe, because it’s a symbol of what things could be.” And then, before Bob can say something that would lead you to change your mind, you say, “Yeah, I stayed sober since the last time we talked.. When did you quit?”

He inhales and then closes his mouth, and you watch as he holds his breath, noting that his mouth is sort of puffed like a chipmunk. When he exhales, he responds,

“Right after that, I guess. I joined this.. medical.. study and quit to do that.. Then, I guess I just.. stayed sober.” He says, and you laugh, so with a bit of a smile, he asks, “What’s so funny?”

“You make it sound so easy.”

Then, Bob starts to laugh too.

“Do I?” He leans forward like he’s about to tell you a secret, and he says softly, “Because some days I feel like I’m drowning and maybe meth would be the key to being able to breath again..”

“So, what do you do when you feel like that?” You ask softly, not because you’re looking for an answer but because you need to know if sobriety is as big for him as it is for you.

Bob gestures to the table.

“This. Sugar, reading—” He cuts himself off like there’s something else when he meets your eyeline. “Do you want to go to your place or mine?”

And there’s no hesitation when you answer,

“Mine.”

///

Bob spends a long time studying the details on your shelves. He notices the pictures of a seven-year-old he doesn’t recognize and you, the small lego structures in between them, and he finds a small jar next to your TV with little chips in them.

“Do you want anything to drink?” He hears you ask.

“No, thanks.” He calls back, and you appear in the doorway.

“Too much sugar in that latte you had?” You tease, and in that way you love, he just stares at you for a long time, in that way that makes your heartbeat too fast.

“Can’t help it,” he says, “No meth means lots and lots of sugar.”

“Right,” You nod.

Your fingers itch by your side, and you decide—Fuck it. You’re not getting any younger, any more sober. So you go over to him. Like a scared deer, Bob just stares at you, while you try to not scare him off. Your hand ever so gently reaches up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear.

Then, he shakes his head a bit.

“I haven’t done anything with anyone in a while.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Then, because you think you’ll tell him to leave and never come back if you don’t, you lean forward and kiss him, and as if that is how he gets air when he feels like he’s drowning, his hands are on your side, slowly stepping so that you’re backing up towards your bedroom.

Then, you pull away,

“Bob,” You start, “I’m not really looking for a serious relationship right now,” You start, and his lips begin to leave sloppy kisses, first along your cheek, then your jaw, then your neck.

“Mhm,” is all he responds with.

“I’m being serious,” You sigh as he continues to step forward, pushing you back towards the bedroom, his mouth hot on your skin. “I’m still working on getting my shit together,” You continue.

“I get it,” he says, his voice gentle.

“Do you?” You ask, but he can hear the smile in your voice. “Because it seems like you’re trying to sleep with me—”

“No, No,” He shakes his head a bit, “I’m not going to sleep with you, silly girl,” He hums, and you never want this moment ends, “I’m going to fuck you.” He says gently. It makes you laugh, and he chuckles too.

You decide to take the initiative and slip your shirt off-- Then, he takes off the sweater he’s wearing, and you have to take a second. You really look at him and begin to smile.

His stomach is rounder than it was nineteen months ago when you last met. He’s.. thicker. His rips aren’t poking out of his stomach. No, thicker isn’t the right word.. He looks.. healthier.

And that is hot.

“What?” he asks, “What is it?” he wonders, and you just shake your head.

“Nothing. You were saying something about fucking me?” You wonder, and he nods.

“Right, right.” He says softly, grabbing your face and bringing you in for another kiss. Your hands trail up his neck and find his hair as he slowly sinks down, so he’s kneeling between your legs.

Your hands find his hair, and in between kisses, you gently tug on his hair, and just completely melt when you hear a soft moan leave his lips..

And old habits die hard.

So, you do it again.

///

You lay on your stomach, your face smooshed against the pillow you have your arms around. Bob is sitting up in bed, and you find yourself looking at him for a long while.

“So, What are you doing for work now that you’re sober and in New York?” You ask.

Bob plays with your sheets.

“Uh,” He lets out a soft half chuckle. “..You know the uh.. New Avengers?”

“Vaguely.” You shrug. You don’t really have the time to keep up with that sort of thing, between your job, between babysitting your niece, between being sober.. And it’s not like you have social media, so.. yeah. Vaguely.

“..That.”

“That what?” You ask, furrowing your eyebrows.

“That’s what I’m doing now.”

“Bob, I’m not following.”

His finger begins to run down your arm.

“I guess I.. sort of count.. as a.. New Avenger.”

“…What?”

“I need you to stop asking me that,” He sighed. “Do you remember the uhm.. medical study thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Something they did.. it changed me.. A serum.”

“So you’re like, some sort of superhero or something?” You wonder, and you say it like it’s funny. Bob looks uncomfortable—much more than he usually does.

“..No. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He says. “I’m dangerous, I.. Do you remember last year when the.. the Void attacked New York? Right around the time that the New Avengers got announced?” He asks.

You pause.

“I mean, yeah, but I was in Jersey at the time, at a wedding.” Your first since getting sober. It was a rough weekend.

“Yeah, that was me.”

“..What was you?”

Bob wishes he could sink into your mattress and never show his face again.

“The void.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I’m not allowed to go on missions or.. get into any emotionally challenging situations..” he sighs. “Because I.. I can barely keep him.. or even the.. Sentry at bay.. I’m working on it.” He finally looks at you. “Which is why I don’t want a serious relationship either.” He says. “We.. we could just be friends.”

“Friends who fuck.”

“Book club with Benefits?”

You smile.

“Friends who discuss literature and also fuck.”

Bob rolls his eyes a bit, his lips pursing into a reluctant smile.

“Book club with benefits.” His pointer finger starts at the top of your back and travels down your spine, “Lots.. and lots.. of benefits.”

And if you could focus on anything other than how good that felt, you might’ve noticed the flicker of gold in his eyes.

///

“Decaf Caramel Frappuccino with extra caramel and whipped cream, and a medium hot coffee with half n half and two Splenda for Bob?” The barista calls, and you step forward to grab your drinks.

You hand Bob his glorified milkshake and sit at the same table you sat at last week.

“So,” You start, “Lord of the flies.”

“Yeah,” He breathes, “I.. I didn’t really like this one.” He shrugs.

“I think the concept is interesting enough.” You respond, “And it’s interesting that the group is only made up of privileged little British white boys. The horrors they put each other through might never have happened if they had been a group of schoolgirls, or if they had faced any hardship before this.” You shrug back, taking a sip of your coffee.

Bob nods as he studies the atmosphere of the café.

“Hey, do you wanna split a slice of cake or pie or something?” He asks, and you find yourself giggling.

“You’re ridiculous.” You scoff. Bob huffs.

“You’re boring.” He accuses and you just laugh more.

“I am not boring, I’m consistent.” It makes Bob shake his head.

“Coconut cream pie?” And the way he makes those puppy eyes makes you sigh.

“Fine. But you’re one piece of pie away from me accusing you of being addicted to that in place of Meth.”

“You wouldn’t.” He smirks, like he knows you better than you know yourself.

“Sure I would.” You shrug, “I’m just a concerned friend, Robby.” You smile, and then you watch as Bob gets up to get a slice of pie, ruffling your hair as he passes you.

///

“And then I said to him, I say, ‘If you want to hire spider-man to try and do your bidding, be my guess, but I—”

Bob is biting his tongue as he listens to everyone talk. He’s sitting on a chair at the kitchen island, watching as John moved around the kitchen, preparing dinner. He’s been staring at the same page of The Outsiders for ten minutes, just thinking.

Bucky is complaining about Sam, and before anyone can respond with anything, Bob clears his throat and puts his book down.

“Can I ask you guys something?” he wonders, and everyone’s head immediately turns to him. He barely talks in these group settings, so Yelena, who sits by his side, nods.

“Sure, what’s up?” She asks.

“..I need.. advice. I need to get a birthday gift for.. a friend of mine.” is how he starts.

“Not anyone in this room, right?” John asks, and everyone, including Bob, just looks at him.

“No. I know you think I’m socially inept, but I know not to ask what I should get someone while they’re in the room.” He huffs.

“Alright, who’s the gift for?” Bucky asks.

Bob wants to tell them all about you—your quirks, your laugh, the way your brain works, the way you feel wrapped around his—

But he hesitates.

“Just.. a friend.” He breathes. “From.. Book club.”

“Book club?” Ava answers, and already it feels like a mistake to have asked them but they’re his only friends besides you.

“Yeah, we.. choose a book to read every week and we meet up for coffee every week to talk about it.”

Yelena glances down to the book on the counter.

“Book club..” She nods, “And how long have you known this friend?”

“…It’s complicated.” He breathes.

“And do you hangout outside of book club?” John asks.

Bob’s cheeks flush.

“Sort of.”

“What does that even mean?” Ava asks, and he shrugs.

“We.. do some other stuff. I don’t know, she—”

“Oh, she?” Alexei finally pipes up, letting out a gruff laugh. “So you like her?”

“It’s just difficult to explain!” He snaps, and everyone pauses when the lights flicker. For a moment, no one says anything.

Then, Bucky huffs,

“So just try.” He gently prods. Bob hesitates.

“She’s.. I do like her. We started book club last month, but.. We met before.. Y’know.” He gestures around, “We..” his cheeks are red as tomatoes now. “When we’re done with coffee and talking about books, we.. we go back to her place, and we..”

Immediately everyone either groans or laughs. Bob feels like he might die on the spot.

“That is so weird,” Yelena laughs, and Bob groans as he covers his face with his hands, shaking his head.

“Never should’ve told you guys.”

“Okay, okay,” Bucky says after a moment. “You knew this girl before the Sentry project?”

“Yeah. We both were.. were addicts in Florida. We started hooking up, and I knew from before I went to Malaysia that she was moving back to New York, so I looked her up and—and you all said I needed to get a hobby!” He offered.

“We meant like,” Ava shrugs, “Knitting or—”

“Book club?” Yelena smiles. Bob bites the inside of his cheek.

“So, what should I get her for her birthday?"

“Well, what kind of message do you want to send?” John asks. “That you want to be more than.. whatever it is that—”

“..Book club with benefits.”

Everyone looks at him.

“What?”

“..That’s what we call it.”

“Oh, my god,” Yelena and Ava are giggling now.

“Okay. What kind of message do you want to send?” John asks again, and Bob hesitates.

“..That I care about her, that..” he shakes his head, “that.. I’m sorry for..” he picks his head up and notices everyone staring at him. He can hear the Void laughing at him in the back of his head.

“For..?” Bucky offers gently and Bob shakes his head. And then, he begins to tell his teammates about the last time he saw you.

///

Nineteen Months Ago

You and Bob had been sleeping together for months. Hanging out in between fucks and hits—or drinks. He had burrowed his way into your heart and taken up this big chunk of it, replacing booze in your late-night fantasies.

When he wasn’t extremely high, and you weren’t extremely drunk, you found yourself falling for him. The attention he showed you had been it’s own high, and you had let yourself become addicted to someone who you would never have a normal life with.

But he was there, waiting for you with a shot after every shift. You often helped him light up. The two of you encouraged each other’s destructive behaviors. Became each other’s self-destructive behaviors. Like the mentally ill addicts you were.

Your sister had flown down to Florida to see you.

You hadn’t asked her to. You knew she wouldn’t approve of this.. lifestyle. And at first, you wished she had never come to see you, because you did not want to stop drinking.. and then she wore you down. Your big sister always knew how to get you to do whatever she wanted.

So, the night before she was scheduled to fly back to New York, you went to see Bob. His roommate let you in, and you found him high and on his bed.

“Robby,” you said as you walk in. He smiled twenty seconds later when he registered your presence.

“I love it when you call me that.” He spoke.

You smiled weakly. You took a seat on his mattress.

“I have to talk to you.” You had said. He sat up, leaning forwards.

“Mm, All you do is talk to me,” he said slowly, and his hand grabbing yours. “Come kiss me instead—” His lips catch yours, in a soft, sweet kiss. He pulled away, and you whispered,

“Robby, please.”

And only then had he registered an important detail.

“You don’t taste like booze.”

You always tasted like booze.

“Yeah,” you nodded, “that’s why I wanted to talk to you—”

“No,” he said softly, “No, don’t—”

“Tomorrow, I’m flying to New York with my sister. I’m going to rehab.”

He shook his head, sighing.

“What.. what changed your mind?” He asked, and you shrug.

“My niece. My sister told me that.. she’s sick of having to talk about me like I’m dead. That she wants to know me. She’s six. Her names Ella.” A smile tugged at your lips. “She does dance. And she.. she loves to read, my sister said.. It reminded her of me.” Then, you shook your head, tears brimming your eyes. “I want to be in her life. I want to taste my mom’s cooking again. I.. I want to get better.” You cleared your throat.

“I’m going to Malaysia tomorrow.” Bob said, and your eyebrows furrowed.

“What?”

“I got fired from my job, so they gave me my last paycheck.. So I spent it on a plane ticket. I’m going to Malaysia with.. thirty bucks in my pocket. Maybe I’ll find the answers. Or, at least more drugs..” He shrugged. “Come with me.” He had offered.

You just shook your head.

“No.”

“No?” He scoffed, “What do you mean no?”

“No. I won’t go to Malaysia. I’m going torehab..” You started, and you inhaled before you asked, “And you should come with me.” You offered.

Bob let out a humorless chuckle.

“You..” He shook his head. “You’re just like everyone else.” He sighed, and you shook your head.

“Robby,” You whispered. “Please come with me. Get clean. Be.. be with me.” You said quietly, and when you leaned in to kiss him, he tilts his head away from you.

Oh.

“You should go.” He huffs. “I need to pack.”

You nod.

“You’re right. I should go.”

You stand, and make your way to the door, wiping your tears as you go.

Bob doesn’t say anything.

You stopped in the doorway, turning around to look at your sweet boy with no bed frame one last time.

“I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.”

And then, as if you weren’t soul crushingly and devastatingly in love with him, you left. And you hadn’t seen him again. Not until you started book club.

///

“Decaf vanilla bean macchiato with whipped cream and cinnamon and a medium hot coffee with half n half and two Splenda for Bob?” Bob grabs the drinks today, and when he sits across from you, you start—

“So. Frankenstein?”

Bob sighs.

“I liked that it’s the first ever sci-fi novel, and it was written by a young woman. It’s interesting.” He shrugs.

“Yeah.” You nod, and you open your mouth to say something but Bob beats you to it,

“I mean, I don’t.. I don’t know. Victor is just.. so stupid but also so.. self-centered. He’s— He’s the one who created the monster, why can’t he take accountability for it? Why is the monster doomed to always.. be a product of his creator?” He sounds frustrated, so you gently shrug.

“It is bullshit. But I think the person aspect of him, the human aspects of the monster are all him. The best parts of him comes from the work he does on himself.” You shrug, and Bob knows this conversation has strayed from Frankenstein. Kind of.

“Yeah.” He sighs softly.

A beat.

“And I agree.” You shrug, “Victor is a fucking idiot.”

Bob just smiles, and then asks,

“Wanna split a chocolate chip muffin with me?”

///

Bob calls you on a Saturday afternoon between book club meetups.

“Hey,” You say into the phone, “Everything okay?” You usually don’t talk except for your weekly meetups.

“Yeah,” He says into the phone.

“Okay.” You smile. “Do you.. need so—”

“Come over.” He gently requests, “I- I mean, You don’t.. you don’t have to, I was just wondering if you wanted to—I guess..” He breathes.

“Robby, it’s not even Thursday.” You tease.

“I don’t.. care,” He breathes.

“I..” You start, “Would.. really love to, but I gotta do laundry.”

“Do your laundry here.” He offers.

“Bob.”

“What?” he whines, “I..I just need.. to see you.”

You bite your tongue, but it would be nice to see him. To see his new, full bed. And you know that if he has a washer and dryer, it would make laundry a lot less frustrating than doing it in the laundry mat down the road from your apartment.

“Okay,” You sigh. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” You promise.

Bob meets you in the lobby of New Avengers tower, watching as you walk in, holding a bag of laundry as you make your way to him.

“This place is crazy,” You tell him, and Bob just smiles awkwardly.

“It’s.. just a tower.”

“Yeah, but like.. It’s definitely not just—” You cut yourself off when you realize how out of his element Bob looks. “Where’s this awesome new bed I hear so much about?” You ask, and it seems like it’s enough for him to relax.

“Come on, I’ll show you upstairs.” You follow him into the elevator, and when the doors close, he says, “So.. You’ll.. probably meet the team, or at least some of them.”

“Oh, I get to meet—” You clear your throat and wipe the smirk off your face. “That’ll be nice.”

Bob just looks at you for a moment.

“They’re.. kind of.. intense.” He breathes.

“Bob, we were addicts in Jacksonville, I can handle a couple of.. teammates.” You shrug.

Bob gives you an awkward smile.

“Yeah, sure.” He sighs. The doors open, and you follow Bob out, looking around the apartment. Like he’s looking around for trouble.

“Bob, seriously I—”

“Heads up!”

You and Bob duck at the same time when a football comes flying towards your head.

“Sorry,” a voice says, and you see.. The US Agent and The Red Guardian, coming to retrieve their ball.

“Ah, Bob,” The Red Guardian says, “Who is your girlfriend?” He smiles. Your cheeks flush.

“Uh, She’s.. just my friend. Who happens to be a girl.” He says.

“Right, right.” He nods.

“We’re in a book club together,” you start and both men start laughing while Bob looks intensely embarrassed.

“Oh,” One laughs, “You’re the book club girl.. I’m John. This is Alexei, are you staying for dinner?” He asks.

You glance to Bob, who looks back to you.

“Uh,” He shrugs, “I don’t.. maybe.” He breathes.

“Maybe isn’t—”

“Too late, we’re doing laundry, Bye!” Bob says, grabbing your hand and pulling you along. You just smile and bite back a comment about how jealous he seems.

“They seem nice.”

“They aren’t.” He grumbled, and you just laugh.

When you’re done putting on your laundry, Bob takes you to his room, and you can’t help the smile that stretches across your room. It’s a little messy, but there are books here and there, cozy blankets, warm lighting, and.. no meth. No booze.

You jump onto Bob’s bed, stretching out with a soft laugh, this stupidly large grin on your face.

“Oh, My Robby situationship has a real bed now, how divine,” You hum, and Bob just stands in the doorway with a soft smile on his face.

“I missed you.” he says softly, and you shake your head.

“Well, I’m here now,” You offer. He scoffs and walks over to the bed, finding his place on top of you as you lay back.

“Not really good enough for me,” He confesses.

“Needy Robby.” You jest, but before you can tease him further, he kisses you.

Your fingers find his hair in familiar movements, and Bob deepens the kiss further, his tongue slipping past your lips. His fingers dip under the shirt you’re wearing, and a soft shiver runs down your spine as he scratches up your sides, and when you moan in response, it seems to make him more confident in his movements.

Your fingers curl around his hair, tugging just barely on his hair. In between kisses, you mumble,

“Need you,” And he just catches your lip in his teeth, tugs a bit, and goes back to kissing you. And kissing you, and kissing you—

Until you hear the shatter of a glass on the nightstand. Both you and Bob pull away and your heads turn to look at the pile of glass and the water dripping off the nightstand.

“Did you..”

Bob’s face flushes.

“I-I didn’t mean to, I just—”

There’s a brief knock on the door, and then it opens, and a short blonde woman walks in.

“Bob, is everything okay, because—Woah,” She stops, noticing the compromising position the two of you are in, just as Bob takes his hand out of your shirt. “Oh, this is what happens at book club, huh—”

“Yelena!” Bob snaps, his cheeks red with embarrassment. Your eyebrows furrow when you see his eyes flicker gold.

“I was just trying to make sure you’re okay! The lights were flickering..”

Bob groans and rolls off of you.

You just smile awkwardly to Yelena.

“He’s fine, we were just..” You shrug. “Uh..” You chuckle awkwardly.

“Right, just.. Tell him to relax whenever he comes back down to earth,” She says, and then steps forward and holds out her hand, “I’m Yelena, it’s nice to—”

“Okay,” Bob stands suddenly, walking towards Yelena, “I’ll see you at dinner, okay?” He says, and she just smirks.

“Have fun at uh.. Book Club.” She says, turning to leave. Bob closes the door behind her and then glances back to you, and then groans, covering his face with his hands.

“Bob,” You grin, a soft laugh lacing your words, “Baby, it’s really not that bad.”

He looks at you when you call him that.

“It’s not..?”

“No.” You smile. “Come back to bed..” And then, you try, “Please, baby?”

Bob moves like lightning to kiss you again. It’s actually impressive. Not as impressive as breaking the glass or turning off the lights because he was just too.. needy. But, his speed is pretty impressive.

///

“Decaf pumpkin spice chai with extra cinnamon and a medium hot coffee with half n half and two Splenda for Bob?” You take the drinks from the barista, and slide into the seat across from Bob, glancing over to him.

“So,” You start, “1984.” You sip your coffee.

Bob gestures to you.

“Go for it.” He smiles gently.

You begin to talk about the political implications of the novel..

And Bob becomes slowly lost in thought. It starts out simple enough.

He notices how gorgeous your hair looks. You’re always so pretty.

We could take such good care of her, a voice says in the back of his head, She should know everything we could offer her.

Or..

No, Bob thinks. It’s bad enough that the ‘Sentry’ wants a piece of you, he wouldn’t be able to stand it if he entertained any thought of letting the Void out.. especially if he wanted to get anywhere near you.

Why not?, the voice asks, you could help.. We could help. She wouldn’t have to worry about her sobriety or any of her silly thoughts.

He’s right, The Sentry agrees, and Bob feels like he might be sick, How could you even know what she wants if you haven’t asked?

Because, Bob thinks, you don’t even want him. Why would you want either of these—

Because I’m better than a God, The first voice tells him, And he’s..

Everything you aren’t.

Exactly.

Shut up, Bob thinks, She wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t at least a little bit into me.. right?

You’re so naïve, Bobby, He could hear the Void mocking him, and it was even worse when Sentry cut in—

She could get a fuck from anywhere, and let’s face it, you’re not particularly tal—

“Let’s go back to your place,” He says suddenly, cutting your rambles off.

“Everything okay?” You ask, watching as he stands, grabbing his jacket.

“Uh.. Yeah.” He smiles awkwardly, “I’m just..” He shrugs, “In a.. a giving mood.” His cheeks flush when he says it, and the tips of your ears go red when you realize what he’s saying.

“Okay,” you nod, “No, like—pastry or brownie or—”

Bob clears his throat and inhales like he doesn’t want to regret what he’s about to say,

“I’ll have something sweet real soon,” He says. Your ears get redder.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

You stand up and take the last sip of your coffee.

“Okay.” You say, throwing out the cup on your way out the door.

“Okay.” Bob smiles, following you to your apartment.

///

“Decaf caramel dolce Frappuccino with cinnamon and extra whipped cream and a medium hot coffee with half n half and two Splenda for Bob?” Bob takes the drink from the Barista and slides into his usual spot.

He hands you his drink, and then you start,

“I cannot believe she married Rochester!” you whine, tossing the book down on the table. Jane Eyre was the book selection for this week—well, two weeks, it took you guys some time to get through it.

“Yeah,” Bob breathes, shaking his head, “I.. I mean—”

“Do not defend the man who kept his mentally ill wife locked in an attic and got with a nineteen-year-old,” You start, and Bob smiles a bit. He stares at you for a long moment and then you ask, “What’s wrong?”

“Uh, no-nothing.” He shakes his head. “I was just..” He shrugged, then he clears his throat, “She got a family, right?” You sigh.

“Yeah, she did.”

“And yeah, it would’ve been.. nice for her to end up with someone her age, but..” he shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s really good for her.” You just look at him. “Or maybe he died tragically young and left her his money.” You smile then.

And after a moment, you say,

“I guess everyone deserves a second chance, right?” You wonder, and he nods.

“Yeah.”

Bob feels like he can’t breathe.

You notice he looks it too.

“Wanna split a brownie?” You ask, and Bob smiles.

“Yeah.”

///

1:32 A.M.

You’re not sure if this counts as relapsing. You twist your phone in your hands and try to focus on breathing. In and out and—who should you call?

Your therapist? Your sister? What would you even say? ‘Sorry, I know you’re usually worried about me drinking but I just couldn't fight off the compulsions or the depression tonight, so can I come over so I don’t do what I just did again?’

You open your stupid fucking flip phone and dial Bob’s number.

“Hey, everything okay?” You note the lack of sleep from his voice. He must’ve already been up.

You inhale to try and answer, but you hesitate. You don’t want to start crying.

“Can I come over?” Is all you can say.

“Sure,” he answers immediately. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

You do. You want to see him as quickly as possible, but.. you have this insane thought that you don’t deserve the comfort, that you must wait to see him.

“I’ll walk,” And if Bob notices the distant tone, he doesn’t say anything.

“Okay. I’ll see you in ten, I’ll meet you in the lobby.” He says gently, and you nod, even though he can’t see you.

“Okay.”

You get up from your place on the bathroom floor, but you don’t hang up, so after a moment, his voice comes through the other end of the phone,

“Everything okay?” And you wish he would stop asking it.

“Mhm,” Is all you manage as you get your shoes on. You make your way down the stairs, the phone pressed against your ear.

Maybe he knows something is wrong, so he asks,

“Have you started reading The Hunger Games yet?” He asks. It was for ‘book club’ this week, and he just needs to hear you talk so he knows you’re still there.

“Yeah,” You breath as you walk down the stairs, the movement down the stairs more instinctual and second nature than conscious movement, like your brain is fixated on the fact that if you can get to Bob, you’ll be safe—safe from what, you do not know.

“What did you think?” He asks, as he slips on his own slippers, trying to think of anything else he can ask.

And in your daze, in your foggy brain that you try to stumble your way through, as you walk down the streets of New York, the cold air sending goosebumps up your arms, the breeze even stinging the fresh cuts on your arms. A group of girls about your age come down the street past you, drunk and giggling and you think about how alone you feel.

Your feet stop in front of a bar, and you take a moment to just stare at the neon sign, thinking about how easy it would be to get a drink. Another breeze plucks you out of your spiral. You wish you had brought a sweater or something.

Your head turns and you can see the ‘new’ Avengers tower just a few blocks away. So, you keep walking. You can make it there. Bob is waiting for you in the lobby.

“I like that the first thing we learn about Katniss is that she loves someone,” you say, walking towards the tower now. Your hands are beginning to shake. “We don’t know anything about her, her name, her place in the world, or even anything about the world.. we just know that she loves someone.” And when you say ‘someone’, your voice cracks. You can see the doors of the tower now.

“Yeah,” he says on the other end of the phone, and as you get closer you see him there, a small smile on his face as he stands there, and it registers in your brain that he is smiling as he’s talking to you. It registers, just barely. “Sometimes I.. I can’t believe how smart you are.” He says, and it makes you feel almost.. anxious. Like he’s lying.

You hang up as you walk through the doors, and Bob’s shy, isolated smile falls when he sees you. When he sees your arms.

“Holy fuck,” is what he says, and that does not make you feel better.

“I’m sorry,” you say, your tears now falling freely, and not because you’re sad, but because you’re ashamed, and because you feel bad that Bob has to deal with this and because..

This definitely counts as a violation of your ‘book club with benefits’ agreements.

“It’s okay,” he starts, “it’s alright, we can handle this,” He says, but you hear the shakiness in his voice. You know he’s pushing through his own terror in this moment.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat, taking a step back from him, but he shakes his head as you continue, “I.. I shouldn’t have come here,” And you go to turn but you feel Bob’s hand grab yours.

“Yes, you should have.” He says, “Because if it were me and I didn’t call you, and I just let myself spiral further, you’d be so mad at me.”

You know he’s right.

“You shouldn’t have to take care of me.”

“But I want to.” He says gently. “So let me.”

And you nod, because you know the path you’re on. You know what letting him in leads to.

So does he.

You don’t say much else, but you let him lead you upstairs, his hand clutched around yours.

The ride up the elevator is quiet. Bob just keeps his grip on your hand and then he asks,

“What else did you.. like about the book?” He asked.

You search your brain for an answer. You know he’s trying to keep you distracted.

“I like Peeta. He’s a sweet character.” You say gently. And then, before you can stop yourself, you say, “He reminds me of you.” Your hand shakily comes up to brush a lock of hair behind his ear. You notice the way a small smile tugs at his face. His head tilts and he kisses the palm of your hand.

The doors to the elevator open, and Bob’s fingers lace with yours.

“Let’s..” he nods towards the door, and you nod in return. He walks just a step ahead of you, but you notice the way he takes the occasional glance back. Both of your heads pick up when you hear footsteps approaching, and there stands Yelena, in these plaid pajama pants and a big tee shirt for some beer company. She looks half asleep but she smiles when she sees you two.

“Oh look, book club meets late now, how—” she stops, her face growing concerned when she sees your arms, “What did—” But she stops when she sees Bob shake his head. Instead, she glances back to you and in a way that leaves no room for argument, she says, “You call if you need me.” And without another word, she turns and makes her way past you down the hall.

You and Bob find the bathroom. “Take a seat,” he gently says, and you decide to sit on the edge of the tub. He shuffles through the supplies and pulls out some bandages and some antibiotic spray. He takes a rag from off the counter and soaks it in some warm water. Then, he turns back to you. “Can I see?”

You just hold your hands out, and Bob starts by just looking at the cuts. There’s not a ton of them, but there are enough for him to notice. He gently cleans them with the warm rag and then sprays your wrists with the antibiotic spray.

“When did you learn first aid?” you ask.

Bob shrugs.

“When.. when you’re the standby in a team of superheroes..” he shrugs. “You pick up on a few things.”

“You’re a hero too.” You say softly. Bob doesn’t respond, he just wraps your wrists with the bandages he holds. He doesn’t want to tell you that he’s no hero, that he’s hurt so many people that he thinks he’ll be repenting for the rest of his life.

He turns around to put the spray and bandages away, and when he turns back, he sees you sitting on the floor, leaning against the tub. He sighs and sits next to you on the floor. Then, he asks,

“Do you want to talk about it?” You shake your head. “C’mon..” he says softly. “It’s just me.” He reminds.

“I..” You sigh. “I haven’t.. self-harmed like that since.. middle school. I just wanted to feel something, anything that didn’t feel like I was drowning.” You confess. “I’m sorry I bothered you, I don’t know—”

“Stop,” he says softly, “We’re..” He sighs. “I meant it. I want to take care of you.”

You can’t stop the tears from falling as you shake your head.

“You wanna know the worst part?”

Bob’s voice is genuine when he says,

“I want to know all of it.”

Finally, you turn your head to look at him.

“I’m falling back in love with you.” You tell him. He nods.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He asks softly. You feel a smile tug at your lips, and it makes Bob smile too.

“Sure.” You answer.

“I never stopped.” He said, “When I saw you again, it was like..” He shook his head. “I should’ve gone to rehab with you.” He whispered. Your heart aches. “I never.. never should’ve went to Malaysia or..” He frowns. “I could’ve built a life with you. A real life, not just.. One where I have to pretend like I don’t.. like I don’t want to ask you to stay.”

Your heart breaks when you see tears brimming his eyes.

“Robby,” You whisper, even though it’s just the two of you in this bathroom. The lights flicker just a bit, so you lace your fingers with his.

“I.. I was so.. so stupid.” He shakes his head, “I never..” His eyes meet yours. “I really screwed it up, and.. I’m sorry. And I love you.” He confesses.

“What about uh..” You sniff, “What about neither of us wanting to be in a.. serious relationship?”

“Fuck that.” He says, and his confidence in it takes you back, “I’m tired of.. of not seeing you everyday. A week is too long to go without seeing you.” He confesses, and your free hand comes up to tuck a curl behind his ear.

“I love you too.” You tell him. You lean your forehead against his and then say, “So ask me.”

“Ask.. Ask you what?”

“Ask me to stay.” You whisper, “And maybe I will.”

“..Just.. Just maybe?”

“Guess you’ll have to ask and see.”

“..Stay.” He says softly. You can’t help it, so, you say,

“That’s not really a question—” Bob stares at you for a long time, a smile making his glare much less intimidating.

“Will you stay? Here, with me?” he wonders, “Be with me.” He requests.

You kiss him, but there’s no expectation in this one. You don’t expect him to want to fuck, to want to sleep with you. This kiss is pure, with no strings attached. No benefits.

When you pull away, you nod.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.” You promise, and Bob smiles a bit, looking down to your intwined fingers.

“That’s.. nice.” Your awkward Loverboy responds, and you’re shocked when he asks, “Do you.. uhm..”

“Do I..?”

“Do you.. wanna watch.. Star Wars with me?” he wonders.

You can’t help but smile.

“Which one?”

“The best one.” He shrugs. “Revenge of the Sith?”

“Sure. That sounds nice.” You confess.

Halfway through the movie, you would fall asleep right on top of him, and Bob would realize that this was always where he was meant to be.

///

For your birthday, Bob hands you a small present, wrapped in paper decorated with sprinkles. When you open it, you find a copy of The Great Gatsby.

Only this copy is bound by leather and has this beautiful dark blue and gold cover on it. It must’ve cost Bob—well, it wasn’t cheap, but It’s gorgeous, and inside, you find a note scribbled onto the title page—

“I found what I was looking for.

Love, Robby.”

#thunderbolts #thunderbolts fanfiction #thunderbolts fic #bob reynolds #robert reynolds #sentry #the void #bob reynolds x reader #bob reynolds x you #bob reynolds fanfiction #robert reynolds x reader #robert reynolds x you #robert reynolds fanfiction #sentry x reader #sentry x you #void x reader #void x you #lewis pullman

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halestrom · 6 months ago

Note

oh my god PLEASE i need to hear about the hockey au

@iprefervillains you also asked about this! BUT

this is straight up my hockey au. as simple as that. basically san diego gets a whole new team as part of an expansion and there is DRAMA between jake and bradley ofc. and maybe spoilers for the whole story since i doubt ill ever finish it BUT the reason jake and bradley dont get along is they dated on the DL in jr's and when they both got drafted they made an agreement to come out. jake did before camp. bradley got terrified even with his family and didn't and they broke up and jake is salty about it and made it bradleys problem and he never backs down from anything so it gets worse even though bradley kinda wants to make up but jake wont let him in but now they're on the same teammmmm.

anyway here's the first part of it i wrote which i am happy about.

Beau rubbed a hand over his face as he leaned back in the chair, already knowing it was going to be a long day. They had just finished their first year and needed to do something to try and prove to the NHL that giving a team to San Diego had been the right choice over one of the other cities who had been trying to get one. He knew the bitching the rest of the league had been doing. Another California team, and another one in Southern California. But they had the population and money talked a lot more than passion did.

He grimaced as he thought about the stupid nickname that had instantly started circling when it had been announced. The Tri-Tip Rivalry.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath, dropping his hand when he heard a chair pull out and lifted his head. Natasha “Phoenix” Trace was the new General Manager for the San Diego Daggers. She had been the leading scorer for the six years she had played professionally between the CWHL and the NWHL before retiring. She had an Olympic gold and silver medal, and multiple gold and silver medals from Worlds. She was a star in her own right, and that was before she had accepted the job as GM.

Beau knew she was a PR gimmick, something to get more fans into the arena, especially female fans, and from the way Trace had stared him down at their first meeting, she knew it as well. The Daggers had been the last place team the last three years since it’s inception, and the fans were few and far between. She was there to try and drum up support, especially in the middle of a rebuild. But she knew her stuff, Beau couldn’t deny that.

“Phoenix,” he said, inclining his head.

“Cyclone,” she replied, inclining her head as well. “Or do you refer Beau? Simpson?”

Beau snorted. Cyclone was an old nickname from when he had scored the Stanley Cup winning goal by doing a spin-o-rama around three players and then scoring with a backhand of the third spin. “Whatever works for you.”

“Beau it is. Call me Nat. I think Phoenix might be a little on the nose for what we’re trying to do.”

That made Beau chuckle. “Fair.”

Nat nodded. “Alright, walk me through what we have.”

“A brand new team,” Cyclone said, picking up the remote and clicking. “Through a combination of, honestly I’m going to go with luck or a deal with a devil for you to get what you got, we have nine new potential stars.”

“The old one wasn’t working,” Nat replied, watching him carefully. “And I didn’t make a deal with the Devil. Most just assumed I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing until I made it happen.”

Cyclone kept quiet at that. He had been one of the ones confused as he watched Nat make trades leading up to the deadline, and then as soon as the off season started she made more. Everything seeming at random until suddenly all the trades came to an end and they had nine new players, all rising stars in their own right and now all on the same team. There had been an outcry when she had traded away the first round draft pick for the next season, but the return had been worth it.

It had been stunning to go back and see what she had done, tracing the trades and deals and it was the sort of move she was known for on the ice.

“Right. First up. Goalies.”

Cyclone clicked a picture. “Robert Floyd, mostly goes by Bob. Went sixth over all and got bumped down to the AHL almost immediately where he’s a solid, if boring goalie. Finally made it to the NHL, carried his team to the finals and lost in triple OT on a rebound. Got the Venezia as well as the Jennings. He’s a hell of a goalie. But, boring.”

“Boring isn’t bad,” Nat said.

“No, especially when the other goalie you got is Billy Avalone, nickname Fritz on account of how spastic he looks every time he makes a save,” Cyclone said, clicking to the next picture. Cyclone had seen more than one meme of Fritz making a save intercut with videos of cat’s spazzing out. The similarities were…obvious, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Fritz is also the only goalie to score two goals in one game and get a shut out,” Nat reminded him.

“He’s also weak on the left side and all the other team knows that,” Cyclone replied. “But, in theory, the new D-pairs should take care of that.”

He clicked the remote and two photos appeared. “Mickey Garcia, drafted fourth over all and Ruben Fitch, fifth overall same year. They were a D-pair out at Boston and their plus minus record is still unbroken. They got split and both of them are playing decent, solidly second or third line, sometimes first depending on injuries but nothing special. Fitch has a bit of a temper and is known for going after anyone who hits his goalie, which is where he got the nickname Payback.”

“They’re excited to work together again, and are assuming they’ll be on the same line,” Nat said.

Cyclone nodded. “I saw the Instagram post. I’m not going to promise anything until I see them work together.”

“Fair.”

He clicked the pointer. “Logan Lee out of Yale, and Brigham Lennox out of Harvard. Both drafted 10th in subsequent years. I don’t know how this is going to work since the two of them got into a fight every time they were on the ice together. To the point their previous teams healthy scratched them each time they played against each other.”

“Think they can play together?”

“I think it’s a crap shoot so we’ll see what happens. I know Garcia and Fitch want to play together but if Lee and Lennox can’t get their shit together they may not have a choice.”

“Do you know what caused the rivalry?”

“Lee lost his edge and took out Harvard’s goalie, knocked him out for the season with a concussion. Lennox took offense and it ended up with a line brawl on the ice,” Cyclone explained. “Which is fine, except the next time they played, Lennox high hit Lee’s D-partner and knocked him out, starting another line brawl.”

“Was it on purpose?” Nat asked, head whipping around to look at Cyclone.

He waggled a hand. “Lennox is tall, so head high hits are something he needs to be aware of. People are split fifty-fifty. Looking at the replay he wasn’t coming up into the hit, which is what Yale was screaming about. Personally, I think it was an accident and it would’ve stayed as one, if not for the previous game.”

“Good,” Nat said, looking back at the screen. “We can work with that.”

“Fingers crossed,” Beau said, clicking the remote again. “Javy Machado, mostly know as Coyote on the account of he’s the only player most people can name from the Coyotes. Current holder of the Hart, Lady Byng and Ted Lindsey trophies. Doesn’t score a lot of goals but he’s a team player and has no issue getting assists. He’s a solid offensive player and doesn’t shy away from playing hard. He was the leader in everything for the Coyotes for the past three seasons and the fact that you managed to dig their claws out from him is a minor miracle.”

“Luck,” Nat said, her smile small and Cyclone didn’t want to know what she had bribed or threatened people with.

“Right. He’s a fantastic player, on a team that can never find their footing and I think he would have the makings to be a star player if you didn’t get these two morons,” Beau said, clicking to the next pair of images, the headache he could already feel forming as he stared at the photos.

“Jake Seresin, drafted first overall. Got the Calder, Art Ross, Rocket and the Conn Smythe his first year. Led his team to a Stanley cup victory, scored the most goals and points in the playoffs and got the game winning goals in 12 of the 23 games they played, and the game winning Stanley Cup goal. He’s also the only player to even come close to Gretzy’s goal record with seventy-three his first year,” Beau said. “On the ice, when he’s playing, he is the best, there’s a long list of players people liken him to. But off ice?”

Beau went silent and looked over at Nat who shrugged one shoulder. “Off ice rumors have said he’s hard to work with. Constantly criticizing, judging and will often get into arguments with coaches over the right thing to do. Most of his former team calls him Hangman on the account of the fact he’ll happily hang them out to dry in the press. His only redeeming quality is if he’s an ass to his teammates, from my understanding he’s twice as hard on himself. Or so I was told.”

“You were told?”

“His old Coach and I go way back,” Cyclone said before he sighed. “He’s also the only player in the NHL who is currently out, and he’s been targeted for it more than once. So, I’m willing to give him a little leeway until I see how he is in person.”

“He’s the only player in male pro sports who is out,” Nat corrected.

“He is. And he runs his mouth so the fact he doesn’t get into more fights has more to do with how hard he can hit back. Seresin doesn’t shy away from the physical aspects of the game, even if he prefers to score goals as a fuck you to the rest of the league.”

Beau looked back at the screen and nodded to the second photo. “Bradley Bradshaw. The only child of Nick “Goose” Bradshaw and Godson of Tom “Iceman” Kazansky and Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. He’s a legacy kid, raised in the Kazansky-Bradshaw-Mitchell along with all their friends. There’s photos of that kid ice skating before he could walk. He’s got his Dad’s level head, Maverick’s hands and Iceman’s eye for the game. Drafted first overall, got the Hart and Calder his first year. He’s also the current holder for the Selke. Solid player, not prone to antics like Maverick is, and doesn’t score big goals like Iceman and Goose. He’s amazing at the tip in, which is why most people call him Rooster because he’ll perch himself in front of the net and tip anything that comes his way in.”

“What do you think of him?” Nat asked.

“I think he’s a solid player, but if you’re looking for something to draw a crowd he’s not it. He’s not flashy, and aside from a couple of fights here and there he almost never takes a penalty.

“People would say that’s a good thing.”

Beau was silent for a moment. “Hockey is a physical sport, if you’re not taking penalties I’m wondering how much you’re actually playing. Even if he’s not actively doing something, bad calls happen and he rarely even gets those.”

“You think he’s playing because of his parents?”

“Fucked if I know. I don’t give a shit why he chose hockey. All I care about is that he gives me a hundred percent when he’s on the ice.”

“Fair. Now for the elephant.”

Beau sighed, dropping his head back and closing his eyes. “Seresin and Bradshaw have a rivalry that makes the Canadiens and Bruins look like a bunch of kids fighting in a sandbox. The two of them have never said one nice thing about the other, and Seresin doesn’t get into many fights, but the majority has been with Bradshaw. It’s a miracle the two of them were on different coasts and only played each other twice a year.”

Nat folded her hands and looked at him. “You think it’s because Seresin is gay?”

Beau shook his head. “Nah, Bradshaw doesn’t have an issue with that. He was the ring bearer at Iceman and Mavericks wedding.”

Nat raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t that recently?”

“Yep,” Beau said. “He had that quote.”

“Right,” Nat said, looking down at her notes. “’He’s gay. Congratulations. So are my Uncles. But unlike them, he’s a dickhead.’”

“Right,” Beau said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And they’re on the same team.”

“Think it’s gonna work,” Nat asked, looking back at the screen.

Beau thought about it for a long moment before he shrugged. “With the way Coyote plays and Bradshaw plays the two of them could make a hell of the team. Coyote getting the puck, making the shot and Bradshaw tipping it in. Seresin is the wild card, which isn’t a bad thing. But I honestly don’t know how they’re going to play together and won’t know.”

“Camp starts soon.”

“It does. And we’re going to have all eyes on us with Seresin and Bradshaw on the same team. Half of them are expecting for them to get into a fight on ice even though they’re on the same team.”

“Can you get five for that?”

“No fucking clue.”

Silence fell for a second before Nat tapped her fingers against the table, the two of them looking at the pair of photos for a long moment. “Do you think this has potential?”

“It does. I just don’t know if it’ll happen, and if it does? It’s not going to easy. Kinda makes me wish I had asked for more money.”

“We’re paying you as much as we can, take it up with the NHL if you want more,” Nat replied before jerking her chin up at the photos. “Do you know how that rivalry started?”

Beau shrugged. “No one does. Hell, I had Bates ask Maverick about it and even Bradshaw’s family doesn’t know. All we know is that from the first time they were on the ice they had issues with each other. They didn’t go to the same college, they didn’t play together growing up, hell, they don’t even play the same position. Didn’t get drafted the same year, nothing. As far as the world is concerned, they never even met until that first game.”

The first game. Where they had dropped gloves five minutes into the first period and had gotten major penalties for fighting by the end of the first period. With both of them scoring two goals each in the same period. It had fueled a new rivalry and started a hundred rumors. Rumors and questions that Bradshaw and Seresin refused to acknowledge.

“Some people just don’t get along,” Beau said finally.

“We’ll they’re going to have to learn,” Nat said, voice steely.

Beau nodded. “Easier said than done. But I’ll do what I can.”

“I’ve talked to both of them, and they understand they need to get along. Understanding and doing are two entirely different things.”

“Think they can?” Beau asked.

“They can. I just hope they will.”

#hale-answers #dracculaura #hale-writes #my lil hockey au that was for a brief moment #i have thoughts and opinions on it

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theposhsworld · 4 months ago

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If you can’t keep a promise you made especially to yourself

You will be disappointed by others

Meaning you will break your promises to others or make promises to others that you didn’t intend to keep and then it will be mirrored to you especially by men

Especially If it had to do with money or material stuffs

Now it may not br a romantic partner or so but you could attract a male boss that will screw you over or terrible male friends or your male relatives become nasty to you

The masculine energy is both for punishment and reward

For women , you get punished by women when you break spiritual principles

It doesn’t matter if you were being kind or ignorant or naive

Consequences are a part of expansion and the universe is constantly expanding

So if you don’t learn a lesson wether with women or men

You will repeat it and it gets worse

If you die in a mistake

You are going to come back and relive that experience but way worse till you learn the soul lessons

One thing I did in my survival state was to always give excuses

But one of the secret to my fast level up was immediate action then i can learn as i continue becuase i learnt how to take RESPONSIBILITY.

I am very trust worthy person because I kept promises to myself so somehow i keep attracting people esp men who would go beyond for me

Eg, if i have 100naira, i spend 80naira on myself!

So i dont ever pay attention to men who will give me less than that or even equal of that

I told a lady that i was having personal interactions with and i was like see how much it costed you to have sessions with me

Like see how much you invested in yourself , taking such risk and trust cus im private

So will you listen to any excuses men give you on why they can’t do this or that for you?

And then this Is your standards and yardstick to weed out men from now on

If he cant compete with the standards you set for yourself by the investment you made on yourself

He is not the one and if you go ahead , you are settling.

So the amount you spend on yourself is your aura on what to demand from someone else

You can’t be cheap to yourself and expect others to treat you expensively

And remember men are energy vampires , they always know

This could be one of the reasons why you may be attracting rich men who are stingy to you or give you crumbs

Cus subconsciously , they know you want to give it away as per good woman or help solve others problems

Instead of using it on yourself !

And men don’t likee that

Hes making an investment in you

I told my mil that this Is the reason my hubby can waste 14k on a failed surgery attempt and still trying to soothe me and also encouraging me too try later etc that he will get expensive professional after care etc if im so worried about pains

Telling me that he will keep aside at least 50k for It!!

But refused to pay you back 7k! Because he knows you won’t use it to go to spa or travel for some vacations or so but going to stress yourself the more and your son loves you and is not happy seeing you always drained.

But cant tell you to stop working because of the respect of you being his mom

So hes resorting to shadow behaviors to discourage you

All my MIl trips abroad Is either for health reasons or family functions or business

She has NEVER had a vacation like to just rest , do nothing , frolicking around and I intend to change that this year!

Shes old and has never lived

My own mom has gone on vacations several times yet she’s not as wealthy or even influential as her

So what’s the need of all that money when all you do is give it away but never to yourself !

So men, including your sons won’t see the need to retire you or even help you out

They will rather collect from you and spend it on women like me😂😂

Omo i saw her eyes changed and a baddie was awoken after that speech😂😂

Life waits for no one except in your waiting season

You are still learning, having fun etc

But if you are just waiting for the perfect time to do anything

It will never come because all you do is give excuses and make promises you can’t keep.

Life is NOW

Start living

Credit Pearl Notes

#spoiled gf #feminine #hypergamy

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dihdidhish · 2 months ago

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Racer AU

i decided to collect all the descriptions and notes i have for my AU. its centered around nortnaib(!!!) and is set in modern UK

tw. age gap, unhealthy/abusive relationships ig.. so 18+

Norton Campbell: Everything revolves around Highway Cavalier. He is a successful young racer (although by the way, 28 years old is not very young in this sport... yeah), Jack's successor, sometimes even perceives him as a father figure. Between the ages of 24-28, Norton crashed a car, getting burns (inspired by the story of Niki Lauda), but he continued his career, which only increased his ratings and strengthened his reputation as a goal-oriented person who spits in the face of danger. Norton is Jack's student, (and, as you will see later) he is not far from his teacher. In public, Norton is an attractive man with a charming, sparkling smile, but in private, he lets his true colors show: rude comments, reluctance to enter into close relationships due to his irresponsibility (but he will never refuse a night with one of his fans or random ladies from the bar), fatigue from popularity and constant surveillance by journalists, as well as a thirst for control and submission from weaker people.

(i dont have a proper reference for Naib yet so here's my friend's fanart [tap for the link])

Naib Subedar (16 y.o.): A few years ago, he saw Norton on TV / met him at his father's work and from that moment on, the racer became his idol, and Naib himself began to dream of such a career. Alas, Jack forbade him to follow his dream, because he did not want to burden himself with training a small one, so Naib was left with only getting as close to racing as possible. He trained as a mechanic and by a lucky coincidence (i.e. thanks to his father, who helped just so that naib would finally leave him alone) Naib got into Norton's pit stop team. Norton is the first person who treated Naib kindly, because of this, the guy, thirsty for love and recognition, only fell in love with his idol more and is now ready to do anything for the sake of another praise and hope for love.

Jack (~50 y.o.): a living legend nicknamed the Ripper. He received the title for how cruelly he smashed his opponents to smithereens. Behind the mask of success and skills hides a not very honest person.. a hypocrite, a misogynist, who has no problem using his influence for quick pleasure without obligations.. but here's the problem, one of the ladies got pregnant, which Jack found out when she showed up on his doorstep with little Naib, and then disappeared without a trace because she couldn't live with the child - an eternal reminder of the coercion she had experienced. Jack was furious and even thought about getting rid of naib, but.. his agent (it turns out, Eli) came up with the idea of using the little one to strengthen Jack's positive image in the media. Now he's not just a racer who always takes gold, but also a single father. a real hero. Jack and his team's ratings have skyrocketed, but no one has any idea what's going on behind closed doors. Jack doesn't hesitate to resort to psychological and physical violence against naib, he doesn't like him and sees him only as a hindrance. But Jack has immense respect for his student Norton, whom he took under his wing after retiring due to age. Naib grew up downtrodden, lonely and passive, in addition to this, the child had to constantly listen to his father enthusiastically talk about Norton, who was surpassing his teacher more and more every day. However, surprisingly, Naib did not hate Norton because of this, on the contrary, in the guy's eyes, Norton is an ideal person. unlike his father, who's not only a tyrant, but also an alcoholic.

Jack will continue his life as a bachelor, hiding a strange relationship with his agent. he doesn't admit that there's anything more to them than just business, but they're certainly close and eli knows that jack is under his thumb. no one knows anything about eli, jack's agent, journalists are desperately trying to find out the truth, to bring him to light, but each time they only find dead ends. but in reality..long evenings over a bottle of wine, discussing careers and personal lives.. neither of them are interested in romance. Jack is content with communicating with the agent, one-night stands with random women and a son on whom he can vent all his anger. and eli is satisfied with the fact that it was he who made jack who he is. however, when harassment charges are brought against jack...they will both have to take it, even if eli suffers from it not directly

Naib's and Jack's life is a classic case of abuse. The boy suffers a lot from his father, hates him for it and even acknowledges it. But at the same time he's still attached to his only parent and loves him. During peaceful days, when jack's calm and sober, they can even spend some time together and naib enjoys these moments. Naib still would take care of his father. As for jack, he forgets about the boy most of the time, leaves him home alone for hours and the only company are maids that come to clean a couple of times a week and couriers that bring food and nervously glance at the neglected child (especially when Naib was just a little boy). It negatively affected jack's work only in the beginning, when he had to take care of his toddler and lacked sleep and relaxation time. Norton surely noticed that there was something more behind the facade of a proud single father.

Around average people (who's not as close) Jack keeps his image strong so people didn't notice the signs. Often celebrities tend to turn out to be actually awful people behind the closed doors. i wanted to base Jack's (and Norton's kinda) character on that. I think Jack would have rarely showed his child to the public, or when he did, he would threaten Naib to act like a perfect son, always smiling and keeping quiet. We can also imagine him in sponsor clothes. And, seeing the cute boy in cute little outfit, the public will only be happy and touched, not suspecting that something is wrong. If we remember about eli, he can carefully deal with nosy journalists, not giving them a chance to unravel the truth. so yeah, no one would ever help naib. his father's agent doesnt care, norton is a predator, teachers at school would close their eyes on everything and happily receive charitable donations from Naib's father, and he doesnt even have friends to care about his state.

Norton and Naib will start a relationship. Naib will naively consider it love, while Norton will only use him, giving false hope for emotional closeness to make it easier to manipulate. But who knows how their relationship will develop further ... will they ever be able to come to something healthy?

Norton is like that because, growing up while getting showered with affection, made him think that hes superior to other people and has every right to control the ones who are weaker. and Naib is definitely like a helpless lamb to him. At least in the beginning. With time Norton will get used to Naib and.. maybe he will even start loving the boy. It will happen unnoticed by him, of course, and there will be small signs: at first he'd hope to meet naib as soon as possible not only for sex but for a conversation, he will look at some pieces of clothing or other things in the store and think that naib would love them, he will start to genuinely take care of the boy and get happy seeing him smile. Fondness will replace lust but this transition would be so slow that Norton wouldn't get scared and instead will embrace it.

some more sketches with them

PS: i think i should come up with a name for this AU so its easier to refer to it... also i will continue to edit this post as i keep adding details. and i have nsfw sketches of them in my twitter or telegram channel (nickname's the same as here)

#art #nortnaib #identity v #idv #identity v au #idv au #idv prospector #idv norton #norton campbell #identity v norton #identity v prospector #idv mercenary #idv naib #idv jack #idv ripper #getting this out of my head #in case someone else likes it too #i hope you like it #id be happy

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moonlit-imagines · 2 years ago

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Headcanons for being Scott and Hope’s child (Hank Jr. Edition)

Scott Lang/Hope van Dyne x child!reader

warnings:

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “Scott and Hope have a baby girl (reader). And everything seems to be fine, but somewhere from the age of five, it becomes clear that the reader is a complete copy of her grandfather Hank Pym, that is: she is incredibly smart, she loves ants (she can talk about them for hours), she also has problems controlling anger (she hit a guy in the face at school for saying that ant-man sucks), thinks that there is no one smarter than her and her grandfather, and she also transferred his sarcastic communication style and views on things and people around, for example, when she first met Tony, she said: "You can never trust Stark."”

somewhere in the distant future a special kid was born

and that special kid had special parents and special grandparents

and those parents and grandparents were two generations of superheroes who saved countless lives (and, well, the world)

so it was no surprise to them that this next generation would be just as intelligent and caring as the ones before them

*cue a toddler with crayons in class*

“and then my grandpa asked the ants nicely to fly him to a bunch of different places and do all these cool things like move stuff around and like do other stuff” -you rambling on

“do you like anything besides ants?” -your teacher

“no” -you, continuing to draw ants on your paper

hank and janet were quite proud grandparents

and scott and hope, your wonderful amazing parents…couldn’t get enough of it

“honey, what about wasps? wasps are cool, right?” -hope

“no” -you

“she’s spending too much time with my dad” -hope

“well, he’s the only babysitter we’ve got since cassie got that new job” -scott

“oh, you mean our old job? yeah, miss those days where we could go flying around getting into trouble and beating people up” -hope

“well, you promised we’d retire so y/n wouldn’t end up with a childhood like yours” -scott

“y/n’s gonna want to be a superhero when they get older, arent they?” -hope

“let’s not think too far ahead. it might kill me” -scott

scott reads you his biography every night before bed

and you always giggle at the parts where your mom and grandpa bully him

“hey, not funny!” -scott

“so funny” -you

“dont get any ideas” -scott

“daddy, are you gonna get arrested again?” -you

“if i do it’ll be grandpa hank’s fault” -scott

you continued spending time with grandpa hank and grandma janet

and they spoiled the crap out of you

hank…got you an ant farm

“now you’re just being ridiculous, hank” -janet

“what? i’m just having some bonding time with my grandchild! hope never wanted anything to do with me growing up” -hank

once you started getting older, you wanted to hang out in grandpa’s lab allll the time. day and night

your parents hated it

“hey, think this one will suck us all into the quantum realm?” -scott

“it was one time!” -cassie

cassie was at hank and janet’s a lot, too, actually. they always wanted to help her with her suits and gadgets and all that

and make sure she had plenty of pym particles

“you have enough, right? here, take some more, i have plenty” -hank

“grandpa, please, i have more than enough, thank you” -cassie

“can i have some pym particles?” -you

“we can play with them in the backyard next time youre over” -hank

you draw new suit designs for cassie all the time

some of them she actually incorporates into her suits

and as you get older, you try to start designing more tech for her

“y/n is really scaring me” -hope

“why?” -scott

“just watch her and my parents together…they’re the same” -hope

“dear god, what have we done” -scott

“dad, look at this new pym particle powered weapon, i just finished the prototype!” -you

“okay, now i’m mad because where was this when i needed it!” -scott

“fifteen to twenty years too late” -hope

“we should have gotten together sooner” -scott

“i disagree” -hope

“wow, not even a pity agreement” -scott

asking your parents if they’ll get back into crime fighting

they said no

asking if you can get into crime fighting

they said no again

so you just kinda stockpiled all your ideas

and did everything you could to further your grandpa’s work

and help your sister

and keep your parents’ minds at ease (doesn’t really work)

and maybe one day you’ll be able to ride those ants and kick some ass like you always dreamed

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @locke-writes // @sweetheartlizzie07 // @queen-destenie // @johnmurphyisqueer // @captainshazamerica // @ravenmoore14 // @canarypoint // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @swanimagines // @randomfandomimagine // @petersgroupie // @summersimmerus // @scarthefangirl // @bad4amficideas // @sheridans-dynamos // @simsrecs // @prettysbliss // @skdkdkckfk // @simp-legend // @zoeyserpentluck // @wild-rose-35 // @nekoannie-chan // @evilcr0ne // @v0idl1nq // @ruvaakke // @thedarkqueenofavalon // @amirahiddleston // @beth-gallagher22 // @brutal-out-here // @rqmanoff // @elenavampire21 // @mymelodymia // @pheonixfire777 //

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ouroboobos · 2 years ago

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i need a new fucking job lmfao. ITEMIZED LIST OF GRIEVANCES AS OF RIGHT NOW

its customer service

i make less as a manager than the starting wage at mcdonalds

theres at least two grown men with sexual harrassment complaints against them because they cant stop hitting on teenage girls

the two guys got in zero trouble and continue to be treated like perfect hardware store angels

one of them gave me a rose on valentines day and kept trying to give me rides

theres a completely seperate third man in his 60s who continually makes comments about my body and touches me and tried to give me a massage in the break room one time

everyone loves him and hes been working here for like 8 years so even if it got bad enough to report him theres no way my boss would give a shit and no one would ever believe me and im worried abt retaliation

i havent told him to fuck off because im scaredcore so idk if he even knows hes making me uncomfortable

i get routinely sexually harrassed by customers and when i asked my boss abt how to handle it he basically said other girls have quit over it and "the real problem is when they dont call a manager up" so he definitely does not udnerstand what its actually like to deal with that and that its usually too subtle to do anything abt it

since i got promoted i almost never get my 10 minute breaks which maybe doesnt seem like a big deal but it is wearing me the fuck out

im surrounded by proud vocal conservatives

EXCEPT for my boss who is one of those people who doesnt think hes a bigot (hes very proud of being one of the chill open-minded Christians) but definitely is

also i couldnt make this up even if i wanted to, but hes 36 years old and a cpuple days ago he made me stand there and listen to him rant about hes not homophobic but why did they make Good Omens gay not everything has to be gay 😡😡😡 hes 36. hes fucking 36

we're almost always understaffed and they dont want to pay anyone so they dont start hiring more people until we're already in our busiest season and then we have to train a bunch of 15 year olds between dealing with 36 billion kajillion fucking customers

truly abysmal fucking communication. i didnt even know i was getting promoted to management until i was in the middle of supervisor training (which they never bothered to finish so i got like... tiny disjointed snippets of training over a period of a few weeks and then i was a manager)

i was functionally head cashier for months and they never gave me the title or the raise because i was "being trained for the position" when actually they allotted less than a day of training from the FORMER head cashier on her last day even though they knew she was retiring for months and then i just figured it out by myself and was already doing all of it

im finally going back to school and next semester when im better settled i want to transition to full time classes, so i met with my boss to give him a heads up and told him i wanted to start training a couple people on some of my basic responsibilities in case i have to cut down my hours, and he basically brushed me off and said we can talk about it in a few months.

and then he talked about his time in college for like twenty minutes and said i shouldnt overwhelm myself by working full time and going to school full time, which made it seem like he was on the same page

but then he kind of was like "well its good you want to get an education but if you go part time in the spring that kind of screws us over" so im not really sure what the fuck is happening in his brain but it almost sounds like he expects me to stay part time in school and keep working full time and doesnt want to prepare for anything else

also he didnt tell me i inherited the key department in addition to the front end until i was like hey whos ordering keys now? and he was like ummmm you? 🤨 ok thanks for the heads up man

its one of those places that looks pretty nice but theres like 20 things breaking throughout the store that theyre too cheap to fix

^recent example: the receipt printers arent working for duplicates (which we need for returns, special orders, etc) so now you to walk across the room to the actual printer and they dont want to fix it because "the printer paper is cheaper than the receipt paper". im not even that irritated about having to use the big printer but that is so fucking cheap for such a massive successful company that now im genuinely pissed off about it.

my boss is one of those guys who seems super nice and friendly and great at first, and pretty much everyone thinks he is, but the more time you spend with him the more you're like. hey buddy is something a little bit fucking wrong with you? and every day i resent him just a tiny bit more

they want us to follow homeless people around the store like fucking spies until we find an excuse to kick them out

theres a guy that comes in every now and again and harrasses female cashiers, walks around casually dropping hate speech, and once literally told one of our teenage boys about his rape fantasy and they wont do anything about him because he's rich and he spends a lot of money

we all have like 4 jobs with barely the pay of 1

i hates it

#IM SO MAD IM SO MAD I M SO MAD RAAAGAHHH #i just needed to write this all out i feel like i need to punch a wall #ask to tag #♥︎

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espionn · 1 year ago

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havent kept up with new warriors books for like years so idk why i suddenly care but after hearing the blurb and watching akira's video on the new warriors arc (changing skies) i have a few thoughts

-please please please make moonpaw either a) just a warrior who happens to have visions or b) an antagonistic medicine cat. give me some actual drama. hell, make her a villain if you want. not evil because of the voice in her head, just kind of an asshole who does bad things. we really need a character like that. we cannot have another carbon copy of every other med cat pov or i will explode.

-also pls make her not gray. i dont care what other color. personally im a fan of black and white moonpaw, or a dilute tortie or something. just not gray.

-im super torn on the idea of a focus on the elders. for one, yes, its awesome to think we might have older pov cats, who have some level of wisdom and experience and might break the usual 'coming of age' mold. its also nice to think they wont be romance focused. but it also just feels like an excuse to reuse cats that people recognize, so they dont need to put effort into actually fleshing out the new generations. the erins are in denial about losing their old well-known characters and being forced to reinvent the cast. they arent really equipped for it and i think thats where this is coming from.

-leafstar going blind could be really interesting. i hope it brings other cats' blindness back into focus (jayfeather, and brightheart's missing eye, longtail when he was alive). we've never really explored cats going blind or deaf as they get older, especially with cats in power. personally i think a blind leader could be awesome, but i'm betting they're just gonna retire her. too bad.

-im so sick of this whole 'oh no our connection to starclan!!!!' bullshit. i hope this time they arent able to fix it. i hope starclan is gone forever. maybe an arc focused on a societal reconstruction after the center of their cultish beliefs gets ripped away. thats never gonna happen obviously, but it would be really cool.

-in general this kind of feels like a mesh of all the other arcs. focus on adult cats (dotc), tawnypelt and crowfeather coming back and, if akira is right, moving territory again (tnp), skyclan problems (avos), moonpool threatened and evil spirit communication (tbc). i hope they do a few unique things because my hopes arent too high for this if it really is just a mash-up. it feels to me like theyre running out of ideas.

#warriors #changing skies #my posts #ramblings

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laugtherhyena · 2 years ago

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I've seen a bunch of people draw the start of their clangen saves so i wanted to do the same! Here's the original Orangeclan cats from way back in December when i started playing this game

More info on them under the cut

Orangeclan lives in the mountain cliff and as far as backstory goes i always imagined that they used to live in caves/tunnels but a huge flood happened and their clan was decimated. Despite being pretty old when this happened Sleetfur was able to dig a way out of the cave/tunnel and save himself, his mate and Sparkblotch's family from drowning, his beavery was rewarded by starclan giving him nine lives and giving him the mission of rebuilding the clan.

Sleetstar would later scout the area after the flood passed to look for more survivors from his clan, which led to him finding and rescuing Asterswoop, Spikefreckle, Tigerbush, Forestpaw and Slightpaw. He then guided the cats to the mountain top because be believed that being all the way up there would keep the clan safe from any other natural disasters that happened down bellow.

Dont ask why they're called Orangeclan btw, i didn't out any thought on the name. I was having a lot of save problems and had 3 other clans before this one that i couldn't save and i thought it was gonna be the same for them so i didn't bother picking up a cool name and went with the first randomized option.

Now into the cats themsleves

I already talked a bit about Sleetstar but i love him so much :(, i don't get why people never pick older cats to be leaders, maybe it's different in the newer version of clangen but my guy would rarely lose lives let alone get sick or injured. He was a strong man! And a very good leader, he wals always trying to set a good example to his clanmates.

He is mates with Shadowpelt and they were very sweet, tho i don't have much to say about Shadowpelt because he died on my first timeskip and then i got sas because his last though was about growing old with Sleetstar 💔

Tigerbush was my first medicine cat and one of the only cats from this image that's still alive in current Orangeclan, i have no idea how, this man is absolute ancient and refuses to retire. Crusty old cat is only leaving the medicine den on his coffin at this point.

Spikefreckle was pretty cool? The cats liked her as a deputy and she was always looking out to the younger cats in clan, but unfortunately i also don't have much to say about her since she also died pretty early on when i send a patrol to investigate a badger den. Which sucked because she had such a cool design :(

While no cat at the start of a clangen save os related i always pictured Sparkblotch being Pigeonpelt and Fadedgaze's mother, she was very nice and spent most of her days as a sweet old lady looking over the clan's kits. Her sons are pretty cool too, Fadedgaze is very chill and Pigeonpelt is such a guy!! He's a little shy and adopted two abandoned kits that grew up to be called Doveheart and Hailhawk! Bird fam!

The there's Asterswoop who's the cat with the biggest swag around, they're full of themselves and think they're the best warrior ever. But he's not a jerk, they were always pretty helpful just a lil annoying. I absolutely love his fur pattern and it sucks ass that none of his kids got the same harsh white divide :(

Speaking of kids, they're family was kinda of a mess, they got together with an ex-loner and had two kits but quickly divorced and the ex went ton to marry Fadedgaze shortly after. Who she also had kits with and divorced to get together with another cat shortly after-

Lastly we have Forestpaw and Slightpaw who grew up to be Forestpoppy/star and Slightstreak, god there's so much to say about these two and their fucked up relationship. Being the only two young warriors in the clan there was pressure from their clanmates for them to get together and bring kits to the clan, which they did but their relationship was by no means good or healthy.

Slightstreak was a pool of negativity always complaining about everything and everyone, their son Woodkit was born around the time Forestpoppy was appointed as deputy and many times she put her job over being around for the kid, leaving Woodkit to be around his other mom most of the time, who was seemingly never satisfied or proud of anything he accomplished.

They actually divorced right after Woodshade became a warrior which was fucking hilarious to me

#Orangeclan my beloved #how can someone get so invested in lil pixel cats bro :(#i care about them so much #clangen #orangeclan #warrior cats #wc #warriors cats oc #wc oc #hyena scribbles

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khodorkovskaya · 2 years ago

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14.07.23

watched my mum's homevideos yesterday and omg

maybe my grandparents did love each other, despite what my grandma claims..? bc every day she's like "thank god i don't have a man" or "my retirement wouldve been miserable if he was still alive". but they looked so happy in those videos! idk i feel like everyone's been super unfair to my grandpa bc he was ill by the end of his life and it was literally not his fault he went crazy like he had a medical problem. yes, okay, he did try to kill my grandma and my auntie with an axe, but it's sad that it's the only thing he's remembered for! and i don't think he was an alcoholic like my grandma claims. on all videos they took shots together and my mum said that he never drank in the house. i think he was just depressed and homesick and no one loved him and that's why he was miserable by the end of his life. i would've definitely vibed with him, i know it!

but yeah the videos were mostly of lviv. and they made me homesick even tho ive never been to lviv. but seeing my greatgrandma and all of those distant relatives ive never met made me feel this kind of longing for a time ive never experienced. everyone was always smiling and laughing and they all looked so happy. and beautiful. and i love how back in the day women wore those little babushka headscarves, i want to start wearing one too.

it's a shame that there is no audio bc there are many videos of my greatgrandmother singing and my mum said that ukrainian singing is the most beautiful thing in the world. and i would've loved to hear it. it's sad to imagine that so many folk songs and traditions have probably been lost.

there was also a video of my other greatgrandma's funeral. she was married off to a man 10+ years her senior and had 10 children. she was illiterate. and she died at 68. i wonder what she was like.

and on the video you see all of her children. and now the only one left is my grandma, the rest have passed away long ago. both her sons went to jail, one of them commited suicide and the other killed his wife. the son of the one who killed his wife is on the videos too, there's a video of his wedding. he worked with khodorkovsky and fled to lithuania after the whole yukos case thing. he's in his 70s now.

another woman from the videos i would've loved to meet was auntie nadia. she looked so wonderful! my own auntie went to visit lviv for the first time in like 30 years in 2013. and she saw auntie nadia and she was like 76 and had trouble walking. i hope she's still alive. she looked so wonderful! she couldn't have children of her own, so she took care of all the neighbourhood kids and everyone loved her, she was so lovely.

but yeah, time is weird. it's even weird to think that my greatgrandmother had a name, you know? idk how to explain it, but we're so used to our ancestors just being our ancestors that it's weird to imagine that they had all these whole lives of their own with their own friends and ups and downs and memories and dreams. like my greatgrandmother was called pani yankevichova (no idea how that would be spelled in polish sorry) or anastasia grigorievna or maybe she even had a nickname, who knows. and my other greatgrandmother was called arina but apparently that wasn't russian enough so her passport name was irina. and her husband called her arisha. i wonder how she felt constantly being pregnant and living in poverty...

even my own grandma, i dont really know know her. like yes, she's my grandmother and we used to be very close before she got really old and started having memory issues. i used to call her every day when id come home from school, we would skype for hours, she was my best friend. but seeing her on those videos of when she was in her 30s is like wow who is that? and seeing all of them hanging out in lviv and singing and dancing and hugging each other and drinking together and omg there were some clips of them eating what i think is pierogi/pelmeni/vareniki..? everything is in black and white but yummmm. my mum always told me that her lviv grandma's food was delish. but yeah, i would've loved to time travel to meet all of them. </3

#july

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loumandliker · 3 years ago

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Ed goes from wanting an out -> wanting retirement and real wealth + being upper class -> wanting deep social connections. Stede gives him the concepts and he Wants These Things bc what he really wants is to be free and fulfilled. The deep connections to other people are I think what gets him closest to this and I dont think he was aware it was even a thing that existed for real much less that he could want?? Given that pirate culture seems to keep things shallow (accordingvto Calico Jack). The closest he has before Stede is probably Izzy but Izzy is not an equal in his eyes and also has been straining under the weight of their relationship as much as Ed has. (And! Izzy understandably has the emotional management skills of a gnat! Given that he's also deeply mired in the pirate culture of abuse!)

He only wants these things in theory though I don't thing he's very practical about like... freedom and fulfillement and social bonds having obligations, problems, and risks attached that he's got to navigate without a map (or help, by the season finale). But also they all end up being let downs! He'd be bored as hell retired, he wouldn't be able to pass as upperclass and if he did he'd HATE IT as a reality, and as soon as he gets vulnerable enough to push for a deeper bond with Stede he gets abandoned. Then he tries again with the crew + Izzy and realizes he's not ready to deal with the mortifying ordeal of being known by any of them bc what if. What if it happens again. He's not coping well with Stede leaving what if he opens up to the crew, who he knows less than he did Stede, and they finish him off?? And Izzy's Tizzies barely face him in ep4 but in ep10 he's more vulnerable and it actually lands a hit that hurts.

Can't wait to see what atrocities my babygirl commits next season before learning how to not murder people he likes when he's upset and scared of being vulnerable. He needs better coping skills and help building and maintaining a support network. And also like. Hugs. Hobbies that aren't pirate work maybe.

Ive been accused of babygirling Izzy Hands but it's like. No. All of these fucked up old men are my little meow meows equally. It just depends which one Im talking about at the moment.

RIP ED TEACH YOU WOULDVE LOVED TAKING 100MG OF LAMOTRIGINE DAILY

#nothing else to add honestly

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mrstsung · 3 years ago

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Kung lao sfw abcs

Ahhhhhh! Hat Bae time!!! It's kung lao loving hours.

(I mean i always love lao but ya know i have a shang simpin quota to meet. But outside the blog,it's always been lao lovin hours.)

Cw: none really,outside rant,maybe slight angst. Like lao is my ultimate fave character in mortal kombat period. (Plz don't be mad but lao comes before any other characters for me,even shang. Look i love shang but lao was my first,was here first,and still is best boi)

💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?): well kung lao despite seeming confident. Is quite shy. Not to say he won't make a move if pressured by friends/liu kang. "Bro make a move already,we'll be old and grey by the time you make a move with them,heck I'll have great grandchildren by that time!" . But after the ice is broken. He is the sweetest bean. He'll open doors,fetch you anything you need. And honestly regardless if this relationship goes any further. Kung lao is willing to always help you. Him baby ok? Sassy baby. But baby none the less. (Honestly me n kung would be a constant battle of "no you're cuter" "i love you more" "no,you hang up first" much to everyone's annoyance. But they also in the same are happy for Lao. )

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?): omfg besties. Granted friendship can come easy for kung but in the same vein,hard for him. He needs lots of reassurance. Plz help him. It may hit off good depends on who you are and your stances with him. But honestly kung lao is the best friend you could ever have. He is funny,loyal,has a cool hat,like fr what's not to love. (Ok im bias he's my main dude and i dont tolerate slander against hat bae) but if you don't like his "bragging" understand its not out of ego. It's a defense mechanism against the injustice his ancestors have been delt,the constant comparisons to liu kang(which dont make sense because liu respects him as an equal and so does lao right back so none of this slander in canon makes any sense and is kinda annoying af and unnecessary. And it shows hella bias and passive aggressive hate to him) and others pressuring him for perfection to be like everyone else. Yet they also brag about shit,yet when he does it. Suddenly its a problem. Sorry this turned into a rant. My bad.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?): he's a cuddlebug. Any chance he gets with you. He hangs onto you like superglue. His fave way to cuddle is to spoon you from behind,his face in the crook of you neck. He just buries his face in you. He is afraid to let go. Because sometimes he feels if he does. He wouldn't see you again. Again it's his fears. He tries to hide them sometimes and be strong for you. But oof does he die inside when you leave him. But reassuring him,you aint going anywhere. (Srry i just love lao so much)

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?): tbh if he could retire. He would but never fully. Because of not just his self responsiblity but also his loyalty to his friends. But domestic life with lao is sweet. He's equal with chores. He cooks pretty good. His fave thing to cook is noodle soup. Despite being a monk,kung lao isn't a true vegetarian. However most of his diet is vegetarian. But on lunar new year. He treats himself to homemade beef noodle soup and char siu. Its one of the few times he lets himself indulge like that.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?): oh no baby why did you do that?! Who would break up with this bean?! What's wrong with you?!. But if you had to,he would rather it be upfront and formal. But just know this is gonna hurt him deeply. And he may not open up again to another person,at least for a long time. Like oof.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?): ok kung lao,once he has made up his mind. Once things get past awkwardness. And he feels it's safe. Mrs.kung is soon what you'll be addressed as.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?): him baby like i said. Kung lao is a very gentle lover. Not so say he cant be rough. Not to say he wont be sassy. But to his beloved,he wants you to feel safe and secure in the same as he does. Hand holding. Soft caresses. Gentle "i love yous" and reassuring forehead kisses.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?): he loves hugs. This is a good way to reassure him. Any chance he can get from you. And laos hugs are super warm and affectionate. You feel safe in his arms. His hugs feel like home.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?): you may say it first. But after that he says it shortly after. And never stops saying it.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?): he can get that way a bit. But honestly he trusts you. But not to say he wont be cheeky or passive aggressive to that person trying to get on his bad side. But in all honesty despite being a bit protective of you (he has good reason to be btw) he actually does respect your space. But he's gonna go to you about it 9 outta 10 times. But don't push him plz.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?): passionate,hungry,longing,sweet but also gentle. He kisses you as if they are the last kisses you'll ever share. Besides your lips. The neck,the forehead,the hand,and a gentle cheek peck is the common. But he absolutely is over the moon for a cute kiss on the cheek or forehead. But if you kiss him right on the lips? Im not responsible for how much he goes on and on about how sexy you are to his friends.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?): he loves kids. But he wants to be in a place to be able to support them properly. But kung lao is pretty cool with children. He's the fun dad.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?): warm tender hugs. A slightly raspy, "good morning darling". Morning tea brewing,a nice breakfast. Just peaceful.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?): serene. Here with you in his arms. His twilight respite. The crickets chirping. After a nice warm meal. Reclining and enjoying each others company before dozing off to sleep. Laying there in the soft moonlight of the window peaking through. His soft breath on your neck as you both slumber. To wake again to your handsome lao in the morning.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?): ok its a tad slow but honestly if he trusts you he will slowing talk to you about his insecurities. Like i said he needs reassurance. Once he has this from you. He trusts and protects you with his life.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?): don't push him. But he despite being boastful. He is hardly quick to anger. That is something you SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR! He is very patient despite his shortcomings. And he knows how to bring the hurt. Don't push him.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?): he remembers the important things. But sometimes he needs reminders. But that isn't his fault tbh. (Kung lao adhd anyone?) But he tries. He certainly makes up for it in acts of service and gifts and being there for you. No matter how late.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?): he says when he first laid eyes on you (kung lao you flirt). But realistically,

Probably your first date. This is where he bared his soul to you. Probably something simple like a picnic under a blossom tree. Or somewhere serene that ment a lot to him.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?): very protective. But not so much so that he becomes overbearing. He knows you can manage yourself. But he still doesn't like to take chances either. He always is looking out for you. If you feel uncomfortable around someone. Talk to him,he'll speak with them to respect your boundaries. If you feel scared or anxious,hold his hand or arm. He'll wrap his around you and hold you close so you feel better. For himself,you just being there and telling him its ok is enough.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?): he tries to put as much effort as his brain will let him.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?): i honestly dunno. Probably beating himself up too much or taking on too much. Kung lao plz,take a break.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?): he takes good care of himself. But also he is humble in that area too? Honestly he isn't any more concerned than the next guy tbh. And i dont know where people get this from? I mean of course he wants to look good for you. So does everyone. So eh.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?): kinda yeah. He would be devastated if he lost you.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.): kung laos hat has a subspace magic that can store shit and well as be a filter to help him teleport. Tho he can teleport without his hat. That hat is a good pinpoint to an area. He did a hat trick once,put a bunny in there. Johnny never shuts up about it. Constantly is trying to get him to do it for him. But kung lao refuses. Because it was one time. And he doesn't like to keep live animals n creatures in his hat for long. Because he care for the fur babies. Oh he also is a happy flirty drunk. But funny enough bo-rai-cho taught him drunken style too. So he can also fake it too. But he doesn't like using it often. But he'll never say the reasons why.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?): someone cruel. Especially to animals or children. Overall he's open and tolerant of a lot of crap (probably more so then he needs to be,but eh he is a monk. Patience is a virtue) but some things are a hard no for him. Cruelty and violence outside of a tournament or when nessicary is unacceptable to him. He can try to talk you out of it. But he isn't above whooping ass either if needed.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?): kung lao can sleep almost anywhere. But he has to have his morning tea and evening tea. Other than that,he's good.

⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩💖⛩

Hope you loved this.

Again we stan one spinny boi. 🌪💖⛩🥺

#mortal kombat #self ship #self shipping #kung lao #kung lao mortal kombat #kung lao mk #💖⛩hat bae💖⛩#an absolute cutie is what kung lao is #lao bao 🥺💖#mk f/o #my many self ships #lao is still got my uwus

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years ago

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Te/Pi and ambition (and lack of it)

is it possible to be a non-driven Te user? i'm thinking i might be either a INTJ or a ISTJ, but i'm not ambitious at all. when i was younger i was pretty big into dreaming and planning and spending my whole days thinking about the future (mostly about stuff like moving out from my hometown, getting into a big university, etc.) which i did achieve, but now that i've achieved stability (got a job and am soon graduating college) i realized that i do not dream of anything anymore? i'm a pretty lazy and indolent person. not irresponsible at all, though, but my responsibility is like… "how can i do my job with the least amount of effort possible so i can go back to not doing anything useful?". i was a pretty big IxTJ stereotype when i was younger (other than having great work ethics, which i've never had, but i always did what was necessary to achieve what i needed, although as i've said mostly in a "least amount of effort" manner) but now i care mostly about just keeping what i have and not stressing myself out with chasing more stuff?

Yes, you can be a "lazy" ITJ, since Te isn't your dominant function and you are a 9w8. But you need to provide strong evidence for all your functions in your stack to prove to yourself (or to me) that you are that type. You still need to be Te/Fi to be ITJ. Assuming that you are, I would say all your dreaming and fantasizing 'ceasing' indicates you are an inferior Ne user. You achieved practical, tangible fantasies (a career that pays the bills) and now don't dream anymore; that's not high intuition. (I know one INTJ 9 and she structured her career to avoid working all her life by figuring out how to profit off something for the long term, but that was her literal NiTe thought process -- I am going to invest / do it this way so I can retire at X years old.)

i'm pretty sure i'm enneagram 9w8 but even then i simply do not fit at all the driven, ambitious, achiever, workaholic xxTJ stereotype. my only career ambition is keeping a decent standard of living for the least amount of work possible. im honestly very happy with just existing?

That is the most 9 thing I have ever read in my life. xD

The stereotypes mostly come from ETJs and 1/3-core ITJs.

also as another addendum: how averse to doing stuff without planning are IxTJs, really? i have a friend that is (as far as i know) an INTP, and he just refuses to hang out if we do not plan at least one week on advance but i've never really had this problem? i dont mind being spontaneous with this type of stuff. like yeah sure im not spontaneous enough to leave college in a whim like a lot of my friends did but just going out to drink in a whim after work? ok sign me up

Being spontaneous or needing to plan is an individual thing, not related to type -- I know some ISJs who wing their free time, others who plan excessively, some IFPs who want to know EXACTLY what we are doing and when and why, and others who just go with the flow. :) From my experience, most 9s are pretty "sure, bud... whatever sounds enjoyable!" regardless of type.

#question #enneagram #enneagram 9

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danniburgh · 4 years ago

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Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 23

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +6.4k

Chapter warnings: lmao angst and then fluff, a brief mention of food, and drugs and a dog.

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // aAAAAAA this is so long i dont even why but it took me like ALL day FUCK FUCK FUCK anyway thanks to all my babies that got me through the desperation of wanting this to write itself lmao, also two chapters and we are DONE with the main story holy shit

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gifs: @pascalsky

Javier groaned when he sat up and moved his legs to get them out of the bed and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand; three forty-eight in the morning. He turned on the lamp, reached at his nape and scratched with blunt nails and reached for the pack of smokes that he left on the nightstand before laying down to try to sleep with the other hand.

He pulled the last one out of the pack and stood up to throw the empty carton in the trashcan near the door; he eyed the empty pack from the day before in the bottom of the can with the cigarette clinging to his lips thanks to near dry spit making them sticky and let out a deep sigh.

It wasn’t working.

His tongue moved to shift the cigarette from his lips and he let it fall inside the trashcan, knowing it wouldn’t be the last one he put between his lips, but at least he didn’t light it.

Javier thought of getting out of the room and raiding his dad’s bar again, but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

It wasn’t working.

He knew it, and it couldn't be denied any longer. He wasn’t getting any younger and his old ways weren’t helping him forget as they used to ten or fifteen years before.

Javier walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, letting his half naked body fall backwards on the mattress and looking at the ceiling, he felt his hand twitch and he felt it empty without a nicotine stick firmly pressed between his index and his thumb but did nothing to calm it down.

Ten or fifteen years before: had it really been that long? Javier huffed at nothing and scratched his chest, leaving his hand there, uselessly wondering what would it be of him if he did something different; incidentally working through years and years of missteps, mishappens, mistakes, and shaping them in some other way that would have saved him from five months of poor sleep and constant drunkenness, five months of chain-smoking and lack of sharpness, five months of only remembering the bad things he had done and the bad things he deserved.

He huffed again because of course his retirement wouldn’t be him sitting on a porch to enjoy the evening Texas breeze and a glass of scotch; even if he had tried it.

It was having nightmares every third night he wanted nothing but to shove deep inside his head, but that then, reluctantly, he had to tell his new therapist his dad had forced him to go to.

It was having to remember all the men he saw dying every time he heard the words war or coke or shooting. Having to remember them changing and fighting and dying for a cause he wasn’t sure if he still believed in. Having to remember Carrillo every time he and Steve talked on the phone.

It was remembering you each time someone sent him a letter congratulating his work or asking for consultation or asking for an interview; because he had an idea of what you had been through and he was sure he didn’t deserve all that claptrap. He did nothing but cause chaos and destruction and death and even though his therapist said it wasn’t his fault he knew it was because he aided for it to happen.

But you? You did everything you could to find yourself a way to recover what was yours, and you still lost it.

Javier sat up again and after six exact seconds of consideration, he leaned forward and opened his nightstand drawer. He took the black tape he had been clinging to for five months and held it in front of him for a couple of minutes.

He chuckled at himself and gripped the small cassette, took from the drawer his tape player, pressed the red button for it to open, let the tape fall in the slit and closed it, turned it on and rewinded the tape, trying to make the calculations in his head of how many times he had repeated that process as the tape ran to the beginning.

He put the headphones on, laid down back on the bed and pressed play.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…”

God, how he missed you.

The phone rang again, fuck the phone, you thought, and hid your face under a pillow, trying to fall asleep again despite the clear signal that you were no longer sleepy.

And the phone rang again, you lifted your head from the cocoon of pillows and eyed the clock on your nightstand, who was calling you at five seventeen in the morning?

Grunting, you got out of the bed and walked out of the bedroom to the small space that made your living room, dining room and kitchen and got to the phone.

“Hello?” your voice was a deep groan, and you cleared your throat.

“Another letter came for you, when are you gonna change your address?” your dad’s voice broke through the receiver and you closed your eyes, breathing in and out the stress it was already provoking in you.

“I’ll get to it, dad,” you replied “are you gonna send it to me or can I go to the house?” you questioned, feeling already your lower lip tremble.

“I’ll send it, your mom doesn’t wanna see you yet,” he let out in a stern voice “sorry, pumpkin.” he whispered and hung up the phone.

You sat on the armrest of the loveseat next to the phone and let your tears fall from your eyes, not even bothering about cleaning them anymore.

You sighed and nodded to yourself, letting your tired gaze roam around your tiny living space and you missed the openness of your family house, the one you had come back to and were expelled from by an angry mother that felt ashamed of the truth you told them.

But you had to give it to her, she didn’t even know you went down to Colombia, or that you’d been having drug issues, or that they fired you.

She had told you she didn’t know who you were anymore.

Neither did you.

So you left, they couldn’t be more disappointed in you than you were in yourself, so you walked out as your mom wanted and tried to find a home for yourself as you still wondered what the hell were you supposed to do. There wasn’t a handbook or a protocol that taught people how to stop being a DEA agent, the government didn’t train people to go back to civility or even offered a program to forget all the shit you had lived in the places they had sent you.

You stayed in your hometown, unknowingly to your old friends and twenty minutes away from your parent’s home and didn’t leave your house unless absolutely necessary; Albuquerque wasn’t a small town, but it wasn’t big, and you were dreading walking past someone who knew you before you had lost yourself and tried to explain all your baggage, you didn’t have the time, or the energy. And you didn’t want people feeling sorry for yourself, with the woman in the mirror you had enough.

Everything seemed pointless, and you felt heavy all the time, as if you were carrying a chain ball in each foot and shackles in your hands while being dragged down by quicksand.

In the kitchen's corner you saw the last two boxes you still didn’t have energy to unpack after moving them across the continent and let out a teary sight as you stood from the armrest and walked to them.

You opened the first box and saw it filled with office clutter; pencils, markers, some notebooks and notepads, the brown journal you had been looking for to burn on your stove; a set of keys you weren’t sure what they opened and in the bottom, folded pieces of paper.

“Oh, no.” you muttered to the air of the warm kitchen and you doubted reaching in for it… The hesitation lasted two minutes but for you it was like two hours, you knew what it was, you knew why it was in that box and when you took it it felt hot and heavy. You were holding feelings in that letter, you were holding hours of shed tears and memories you didn’t want to have anymore. Memories that still haunted you whenever you smelled roasted colombian coffee and saw an ad of Malduros on tv.

You didn’t open it. You knew what was written there. And for a few seconds you thought of burning it on the stove instead.

“Well, I don’t want this, might as well send it.” you muttered under your breath, recognizing it would do you some good to stop holding to it, acknowledging it would do you some good to know he had it. If he wanted to rip it into millions of pieces or burn it or toss it in the trash or eat it, it was his problem.

You bit your lip as you walked to the phone; you hadn’t thought of him in a while. But as you sat on the loveseat all the shit you wanted to bury if not get rid of came back to your mind like a high wave of a rough sea; sharp, cold, gritty.

“Shit.” you gasped, trying to breathe in and out several times because you didn’t want to cry. It was too early for crying.

You grabbed the phone and thought who could have Javier’s address. God, even thinking of his name made your chest flutter and your stomach churn. You had fooled yourself into thinking he didn’t have an effect on you anymore, into even assuring five months was enough to forget him. What a fool.

You dialed the number of the only person you knew for sure knew the address by heart; the phone rang three times before it was answered.

“Hello?” a sleepy nasal voice greeted, and you smiled through the few tears that had accumulated in your eyes, grateful that he still had his embassy issued cell phone.

“Stod!” your smile was making your cheeks hurt, and you wondered in the back of your head when was the last time you had smiled.

“Who’s this? Flor?” he asked and you let out a stiff chuckle. You decided not to be a huge asshole and dump something heavy as your actual name that early in the morning, so you went with it.

“Yeah, sorry to call at this hour, did I wake you?” you played with the edge of the loveseat’s armrest.

“Kinda,” a noise of shuffle was heard “but it’s almost seven here, so I’m not that mad,” he teased, making you chuckle again “how are you? to what do I owe the honor?”

“Uhm, I–‌I’m calling to take advantage of you,” you said, hearing his chuckle through the line and a whisper of of course you did, “by any chance do you know Peña’s address in Texas?” you asked, closing your eyes and crossing your fingers, wishing for him to not ask:

“Why?”

“I–‌I have something of his...” you mumbled under your breath “I just found it and I wanna send it.” you said, which wasn’t technically a lie.

“Uh…” Stoddard hesitated, and you heard a faint of a pouring noise in the back that made you sigh, a cup of coffee would do you wonders, “well I do–I don't know if I’m allowed to just say it, y’know?” you frowned.

“Oh, come on, please?” you pleaded, your leg started bouncing because of the anxiety that was growing in your chest.

“What is it? is something important?” he asked.

“Super important,” you nodded even though he couldn’t see, “he needs it.”

“How do you know?” he questioned again, and you whined under your breath.

“Uhm, I ju–‌I just know, uhm…” since when were you a twitchy, nervous mess? “can’t you just tell me?”

“Not really, no.” he muttered in that voice that made you want to punch him and hug him at the same time.

You let out the air of your lungs and controlled your body.

You had promised yourself to tell the truth when it was necessary. So you were going to.

“Look, Stod, this is long to explain, okay?” you began, and he hummed affirmatively in response, “the only thing you need to know is that the thing I have here is very important that he gets because he needs to know that I kept it for him.” you said, closing your eyes again.

“Flor you just told me nothing.” he let out, his voice was being muffled and it sounded like he had something in his mouth.

“Fuck, Stoddard, I love him, okay?” you let out “and this thing I have is a letter that I need him to have so he knows I love him!” you panted and bit your lip when he didn’t answer.

You just had said out loud you loved someone, you just had said to someone you loved Javier Peña for the first time. Shit.

“Oh,” Stoddard said after a moment and you held your breath, “you have where to write?”

“You’re a fucking king!”

Six hours later, you wanted nothing else but to turn the fucking car around.

“This is a mistake, this is a fucking mistake!” you yelled inside your car, opening the glove box to toss there your sunglasses. The highway 285 was eternal, and you hated driving through it; it was empty, there was nothing but desert landscapes and the occasional tree, but you were halfway, just crossing the state border and there was nothing in the everlasting earth that would make you drive back home, not even your fucking hesitation, not even your self-doubt.

“What the fuck am I gonna say?” you asked yourself again, chewing on your lower lip and gripping the steering wheel, “am I just pulling on his driveway and knocking on his door and saying hi I’m sorry I broke your heart I have a letter for you? Fuck!” you saw the beginning of yet another town and you drove slowly looking for a gas station, “or better yet, I read this shit to him to complete the humiliation!” you turned your head for a second at the letter resting easily in the co-pilot’s seat and you groaned, finding a gas station. You were also hungry.

With the car’s tank full and a plastic bag filled with snacks for the remaining six hours, you sighed to yourself and started driving again.

“You’re doing this because you need closure,” you told yourself, shoving your hand into a bag of salted chips and bringing three to your mouth “if he doesn’t wanna see you, too bad, he’s gonna miss your haircut,” you mumbled, chewing at the same time “you leave the letter and let him decide what to do with it.”

With the highway 285 long behind you and the sky just beginning to turn orange, you had convinced yourself of your own reasons and you even had a plan to go back home as soon as you were done in Laredo. You also had promised yourself and all your Muertos, you wouldn’t react to Javier Peña if he didn’t react to you and as you had learned in your three-year station in México, you can’t break a promise you made to dead people.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you said when the marked map told you you were a block away from the Peña’s ranch house, you were chewing the last bit of a nearly melted chocolate bar you had bought hours ago as your nervousness betrayed you and you started chuckling at your impulses, “holy fuck, I wanna go home!”

But you were already there. The gate was open and there were two trucks parked on the driveway. So you sucked everything you were feeling, and you turned off the ignition. Fuck. It.

You breathed in and out several times before you unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbed the letter and opened the door. You did it again as you walked the gravel path to the house and were grateful it was already dark, so at least the night could help you hide until the last second.

You stopped walking, rationality coming back to you.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you whispered to yourself and turned around, shaking your head as you walked back to the car.

“Mija!” you heard behind you, you froze in place and stiffened at the sound of a thick accent in a rough and warm voice.

“Oh, no.” you said under your breath.

“It’s you!” you turned around, and you saw the face of the man you had only met through an old picture Javier carried with him at all times. “viniste.” (you came) behind him walked a black, large dog that ignored the man and huffed at you.

“I’m sorry?” your voice went out thin and high, and you wanted to chastise yourself for it. You had given yourself a seven-hour pep talk on the way, and you were already breaking.

“I told him,” the man rolled his eyes behind the glasses he was wearing and gestured for you to walk closer “Jesús Peña, nice to finally meet you,” he extended his hand to you and you took it and shook it, the dog got closer to you and smelled your legs, you tried to smile at him and at the dog but tears were already gathering inside your eyes “le dije que ibas a venir a buscarlo.” (I told him you’ll come looking for him)

“I’m sorry, Mr. Peña, I–‌I do–‌”

“Mr. Peña nada,” he interrupted, “call me Chucho,” you nodded and sniffed slightly “ven,” (come) he gestured again and started walking towards the house, “Pepe, métete.” (get inside) he called, and the dog trotted to his side.

“Wait, Chucho, wait!” you called him under your breath as you followed him, he didn’t stop.

“Come on in,” he opened the house door and waited for you to get inside. He nodded his head for you to walk in and you frowned.

“You don’t even know who I am, what ar–‌”

“I know enough,” he said solemnly, walked inside and you and the dog did too and he pointed to an armchair “siéntate, mija, he’s on the back.” he turned around and walked through an archway to what it looked like the kitchen and disappeared through a door, Pepe behind him.

“What the fuck.” you sobbed out, knowing you had little time to leave the letter you were clutching in your hands on the coffee table in front of you and walk out and leave for good. But you couldn’t move, you were in Javier’s house and you wanted to stop being there, but your body was frozen in place and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You wanted to scream at yourself, at your fucking impulses; you had all the opportunities to turn around and go back home, why didn’t you listen to your logical, rational, always right brain?

“Hi.” you heard behind your back and you covered your mouth with the hand that wasn’t holding the fucking letter.

You turned around and blinked the first two tears of what you already knew was going to be a sea of them.

He was wearing the red shirt. And God, it was his color.

Javier wanted to run away and hide.

He had just made peace with never seeing you again; he had just accepted that the only part he would have of you was that voice mail you had left him months before. But there you were, teary and gorgeous in front of him. Shaking and with your hands holding a piece of paper as if it were your lifeline.

His head was a contradiction, because he wanted to grab you and hug you all the same he wanted to grab you and shove you out of his house and his life.

“What are you doing here?” Javier asked, knowing deep inside him he wanted to tell you how good you looked and how much he liked your new hair. You let out a shaky breath at his deep voice. You had missed it.

It was the first time you saw him in five months, and the weight of your feelings for him fell again on your shoulders like a recently broken off boulder, heavy, rough edged and shapeless.

“I don’t know.” you answered truthfully, he sighed and deviated his eyes from you, you breathed in heavily and the only thing that got into your lungs was his essence. You cursed under your breath and he huffed, putting his hands on his hips and leaning to the side.

“How d'you found me?” he questioned, and you huffed through the tears.

“I have my resources.” you let out on a whisper. Trying to find his eyes, you needed to see his eyes.

“What do you want?” Javier asked again, and you deflated at the tone of his voice. The rational part of your brain yelled I told you so at your feelings and you knew it was right, you were expecting too much of yourself and of him.

“See you,” you bit your lower lip and Javier saw from the corner of his eyes how you scrunched up your nose, and he felt something inside his chest flutter, hating and loving all the same how much of you he still had stored inside his memory, “I have something for you.”

“Keep it.” he let out. You shook your head and raised your hand with the letter on it.

“Read it.” you half ordered, half pleaded, Javier chuckled and then shook his head, mimicking you.

“I don’t want it.” he knew he was lying to himself, he wanted to know what it was, he wanted to grip it and smell the paper and read it over and over but his body wasn’t responding to what his feelings were telling him and only responded, almost in automatic, to his prideful side, to that side of him that still resented you and himself.

“Alright then,” you said, standing straight after realizing you had regained the ability to read him even through your tears, and understanding there was something he was struggling with, “I’ll read it.”

“Stop.” Javier frowned and looked at you, his eyes pleading for you to do something you couldn’t decipher.

“I know, okay?” you said, trying to reassure him and yourself “I know I’m in no position to ask for shit,” Javier dropped his hands to the sides “but I just want ten minutes, just ten of your life, and you’ll never have to see me again if that’s what you want.”

You knew it was a risky thing to say, but you needed him to know, you needed him to understand you because you knew and he knew you did understand him. And he needed to know you. You and your version.

He said nothing, you took it as his queue to start so you breathed in deeply and unfolded the letter.

“Stop.” Javier said under his breath.

“No,” you wiped a tear off your cheek “I wrote this when I went back to Colombia after I got fired,” Javier looked at you and you saw his face quirk in something close to pain “uhm, before I wrote this I drove around Bogotá,” you recalled that last day in the city and how much it pained you to be there, “I went–‌I went to some of the places you told me you liked” you tried to smile and dropped your eyes to your shoes, trying to find something to cling to and compose yourself “even that little cafe you told me about, near the palace of justice, remember?” you sobbed out. And he called your name. Making you gasp.

“Stop,” you looked up at him and saw him frowning, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, “we don’t need this.”

“I do!” you let out, Javier brushed his lips with his thumb and felt his hand twitch in need of nicotine again “I need to tell you all this!” you wiped your tears away again “I need closure!” you cried out.

Javier felt his stomach turn around and all the blood of his body went to his feet. Fuck.

How could he had been so stupid? he got into his own feelings too much and he forgot that you had cried your eyes out to him all those months ago when you handed him everything you were in a couple of manila folders. He had gotten wrapped by his own feelings and the hurricane your declaration had created in his life that he had forgotten just how much you were suffering as well. Because he might have thought about you; all the time, every day; he thought about your past and your reasons and motivations. He even thought of you naked on his bed in Colombia, under his body, moaning and gasping when he needed some release, but he forgot to think about your feelings.

“I didn’t come here to ask for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it,” you said and Javier felt the wetness of a tear escaping his eye and making its way through his cheek, “I’m trying to get closure, Javier, please let me try.”

Javier nodded.

You cried more when you saw him brush a tear off with his thumb and chew the inside of his mouth. You wanted to run away; you were sure he was better before you came to his house and disrupted his peace; you were hurting him again, and you wanted to kneel in front of him and ask him for what you said you weren’t seeking. He made you want so much.

You sniffed and dropped your eyes to the open letter in your hand, Javier didn’t move from where he was standing.

“No amount of guilt will or can change the past,” you began, Javier crossed his arms on his chest and saw movement to his side, “that much I know. I kno–‌know that it doesn’t matter,” you sniffed again and Javier turned his head to watch the dog casually walking towards him and sitting next to his boots. You saw it too, and you let out a sad chuckle.

“Ignore him.” he just said. You nodded.

“Uhm, it doesn’t matter how much I apologize, or how many I’m sorry’s I mouth, forgiveness doesn’t come for free.” you didn’t want to lift your eyes to see him, so you continued.

Javier only saw you reading him something he was sure you had poured your heart into, and he wanted nothing but to hear what you wanted to say to him, but he couldn’t focus into listening, because there you were, again in front of him doing what he never dared to do.

Opening your fucking chest, taking your heart out and giving it raw to him.

“...knowing and realizing and acknowledging just how much I love you.”

Javier drowned a gasp, as he fell in love with you all over again, you were doing what he didn’t have the balls to do, because in his sleepless sleep he wanted to look for you, in the middle of his idle nights, just after waking up after a nightmare, he wanted to find you and go to you and tell you whatever the fuck he could to be back with you. But he never did, he never did because he was a coward, because he feared his own feelings so fucking much.

He couldn't hear anything of it after your declaration of love. God, how much he loved you. You were standing there, with your eternally hopeful eyes filled with crystalline tears and several pages of written feelings. And he realized, there, with you in the middle of his living room, shifting to the next page, that even though you were extremely similar, you were also very different.

“...with you I found a reason to give up after all the shit I've lived in…” you muttered and he found the differences inside him; you were braver than him, you were smarter and more connected with what you felt; you weren’t scared of your feelings as he was. You went for what you wanted and even though it had been five months of that dreadful day when he saw his heart squeezed out of his body by your hesitant hand, that day he still replayed inside his head when the day was just over and his brain was floating between sleep and awakeness, he still wondered why you were bothering.

“There were so many things I thought…” you kept reading as he wondered if it was possible for the two of you to connect with each other outside of shared trauma and sympathy for each other’s experiences. But he answered to himself that even if you two weren’t as emotionally available as you needed to be to build a relationship or if you both were having a hard time adapting to be and live out of the system, maybe the love was real.

You stopped reading after noticing he was just standing there with his arms crossed and his eyes on you but not seeing you; you wiped the last of your tears and chuckled bitterly to yourself. Making him blink a few times.

“Fuck this,” you crumpled the pages in your hands and dropped them on the coffee table, shaking your head. Javier frowned, “it doesn’t matter what I read, I shouldn’t have come.” you said, drowning your sobs and gasping for air. He wasn’t paying attention, and nothing about it was making you feel any better about anything.

“What?” Javier whispered, dropping his hands to his sides.

“A’right, then…” you didn’t look at him and tried to control your breathing again “I guess that’s what I wanted to do,” you walked to the door and opened it, Javier wanted to ask what the fuck was happening, he wanted to grab your arm and stop you as he didn’t do it when you were leaving his office back in Colombia “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Javier,” he winced slightly involuntarily at the way you sobbed out his name “I’ll go.”

You walked out of the house covering your mouth with your hand to muffle your sobs, your rational brain was right, it was a mistake; it was a complete and utter mistake, and you were so ashamed of yourself for even thinking it would change anything. You walked to your car feeling the sharp, stinging sensation of a migraine settling in your head. You heard steps behind you and you turned around slowly, not wanting to put hope on the source being Javier.

“Mija,” you look at Chucho trying to catch up with you, “¿a dónde vas?” (where are you going?)

“I’m going home.” you said, shrugging at the man when he stopped in front of you.

“Why?” he asked, frowning.

“Because he said nothing, Chucho,” you bit your lip and looked at the Texan night sky and huffed at yourself, “he said nothing.”

“But he wants you, mija!” he assured you, and you shook your head several times.

“If he wants me as you say,” you pointed towards the house behind him, “then how come I’m not with him?” you reasoned, “he doesn’t want me.”

You dropped your eyes to the gravel path as Chucho sighed and raised his hand to squeeze your shoulder just enough for you to feel less sad. Just how a father would do.

Chucho glared at the house, the door open and Pepe standing in the threshold; his son had been back for months, he had been living next to him, eating next to him, working next to him and breathing next to him just as he did before he went away but he knew, just like a father could, he was not the same man that left.

He reminisced over the muchacho his son was before he left Laredo, so eager to get out of the small town he grew up in and that harbored his family home, so anxious to meet new horizons, so keen to find and explore new places and learn new things; he sometimes found himself missing that boy, he sometimes missed his Javi; the one that helped him build a paddock for his own horse, the one that washed his truck without asking and without failing each friday evening, the one that took care of his Mamá’s funeral at sixteen when himself was too sad to think about coffins or tombstones; because the man that came back to him after almost two decades too far away from home wasn’t the same.

He had seen and done things that Chucho never wanted to to ask about but he imagined, his Javier wasn’t the same. And Chucho knew why, but he also knew about you. Javi had talked about you way too much for his own good, as he did everything. And Chucho also knew why, he wasn’t letting the woman that made his son come back home run away.

“He does want you,” he said, slowly, with a low voice, as if it were a secret, “mijo… es un idiota a veces, but he loves you.” (he’s an idiot sometimes)

“You don’t know that.” you refuted.

“I do,” he gave you a smile that was barely visible under the white mustache “el te ama, y yo…” (he loves you, and I…) “I’m so grateful.” you shook your head as two thick tears left your eyes.

“I broke his heart.” you sobbed out.

“Y me lo trajiste a casa, Florecita” (and you brought him home to me, little flower) you sobbed harder, not able to control it anymore, and he brought you to him, and held you.

“He told you my fake name?” you asked between sobs.

“He told me what you look like.” he muttered.

“I’m so sorry.” you let yourself be wrapped by him and you hid your face on his shoulder.

“Don’t be, without you I would’ve lost my only child.” you held him tighter.

“Please.” you pleaded for nothing and everything at the same time.

“You gotta fight for him, mija.” he muttered to your ear, and you shook your head, still leaning into him.

“I’m fighting for him!” you almost yelled “I’m here, aren’t I?” you lifted your head to look at the man and you gasped for air, dropping your hands to your sides “I drove almost thirteen hours non-stop all the way from Albuquerque just to be here!” you told him and the man stiffened as you lost your shit in front of him, you gripped your head between your hands “thirteen hours to read him that stupid letter and he didn’t say shit!”

“You did what?” you heard and lifted your head to see Javier standing behind his dad.

Chucho looked at Javier and then at you with your cheeks dampened with tears. He squeezed your shoulder again and turned to walk to the house.

“You were in Albuquerque all this time?” he said, and you nodded, noticing he was holding the letter in his hand “when you said you’d go you meant back there?” he frowned in confusion.

“Well, yeah, I have nowhere to stay so I might as well drive home.” you muttered, Javier’s frown deepened, and he stepped towards you.

“Stay here,” he said, “if you wanna leave you leave in the morning.” his voice was thin and low. You looked at his eyes and saw them reddened and wet.

“Did you read it?” you whispered out. He stepped towards you again, nodding.

“Stay.” he whispered back.

“You don’t want me.” you said under your breath as shook your head and he stepped closer.

“Who says that?” he asked, and you looked at the gravel path again.

“I won’t stay.” you felt Javier’s warm fingers graze under your chin and lift your head to him slowly.

“Don’t be so stubborn,” he chastised you with half a smirk forming on his lips “stay with us.” you shook your head again.

“You don’t want me here but you want me to stay,” you said, frowning at him “Javier you can’t have it bo–‌”

“I want you to stay,” he interrupted you “I want you to stay with me,” he whispered as his fingers moved to your cheek and wiped away a tear. “please.”

Javier had read your letter after you walked out and realized, at the prospect of you leaving for what it seemed like forever, at the possibility of you leaving him for good and he never getting to see you or your gorgeous face or your hypnotizing eyes or hearing your voice that did so many things on him, that the balance of his other losses leaned upwards when he weighed the probability of losing you.

Did he care about what you did? of course he did, it still stung sometimes deep inside his chest, it still filled him with something close to grief.

Was he willing to work it out and let it aside because he didn’t want to feel the agony and deep sorrow of not having you by his side he had been feeling for the last five months again? yes.

And the answer to that question inside his head startled him and shook him deeply.

You were there. God, you were there, there was no way he was going to let you leave.

Javier decided you could work it out later, he loved you way too much not to try. He didn’t even plan to love you the way he did, the way he discovered by reading that letter or remembering the man he was without you. He didn’t even plan to love you at all, but he did. He was madly, insanely, deeply in love with you.

Javier moved his hand to your shoulder and let the one holding the letter find its way to your waist. Find its way home.

“Don’t go.” he whispered again. He moved the last step to wrap his hands around you. You let out a low yelp at the feeling of his body so close to you, for a second you froze in place, your eyes closed and his warmth invaded your entire body as he hid his head in the crook of your neck. He inhaled your essence as you hugged him back and gripped him tightly against you.

Javier felt as if all his parts were being glued back together.

“Stay with me.” he whispered against the skin of your neck.

So you stayed.

←previous // next→

*THE LETTER*

Pepe:

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @bii-aan-ckaa @letaliabane @starlightmornings @mouthymandalorianalso @supernaturalgirl @metalarmsandmanbuns @purplepascal042 @asta-lily @greeneyedblondie44 @missswriter @juletheghoul @pedro-pastel @agirllovespancakes

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @alliterative-albatross @absurdthirst @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @jasmincita @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien

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