#also hell yeah another DM convert

[prouvaireafterdark]

How did you perfect the art of writing smut?

I started following you during the RNM days (Malex, forever mourning what you could’ve been 😔💔) and continue to reread because you’re writing is fiiiiire. Now you’ve turned me into a DM fan girl and um yeah Armand/Daniel smut hits different.

Sorry, went on tangent…

Hahaha this is so sweet omg, also thank you for your malex service, comrade bestie, those were certainly some times

To answer your question tho, honestly, I just read a lot of it. It takes time to figure out what you like about smut, what words hit right vs what words do NOT (looking at you, Anne “nethermouth” Rice), and how explicit you’re comfortable with getting in your own writing

My mantra tends to be “go big or go home” when writing PWP ‘cause like that’s what we’re there for most of the time. I also try to engage as many senses as possible and focus a lot on what the characters are feeling and experiencing bc otherwise smut can sometimes read as kind of mechanical and not very sexy imo

[negativepeanuthoarder]

tell me about a dream you remember having. if you don't remember your dreams, show off your favorite animal photo.

Alright, Anon, buckle in because this is a long one lmao.

I’ll set the stage: July 27th, 2022. I start a new medication that night and proceed to have FIVE CONSECUTIVE DREAMS that are all connected to one another - waking up for a few minutes in between each one. The next morning I immediately wake up and dm all of this to a group chat of friends:

Dream One: Something is hunting people at specific times of day, so when that time rolls around you have to sit really still and quiet in a saferoom with nothing to do because if it hears a noise it will come and kill you. I was trapped with my family in a saferoom, with only a couple hours every once in a while to pretend like it was normal.

Dream Two: I'm at an elementary school (working as a TA (I am not and have never been a TA)) and the monster is still afoot. We have a bunch of connecting tunnels that lead to a saferoom in the basement, and should the monster attack, we all have to get there as fast as possible. I've become more paranoid, peeking around corners to check for the creature before entering rooms.

Dream Three: I see the monster for the first time it's tall, angular, and grey, with the body structure of a horse and a cheetah combined, and with a massive maw and huge claws on every foot. It also has a ratlike tail and it can run so fast that no one can outrun or fight it. If it spots you, you're dead within seconds. I only see it from a distance, in the yard of a house near the school. The school is converted into a research facility to try and capture the monster, with several experiments that end in disaster, some of which killing the students inside. In one experiment I am a student, and I and a group of fellow students are send out into a playground covered by a tarp. I look through a hole in the tarp only to see the thing looking back at me. I switch to an arial view as it bursts in and tears me to shreds.

Dream Four: I'm at work with my coworkers, and we're trying to figure out how to stop the monster while avoiding my managers, who keeps yelling at us for not doing our jobs. We discover an ancient spellbook tucked away in a storage room, and whoever owned it before used it to entrap the monster in Hell. Someone released the monster on purpose by destroying the spell, and so using a magic rock to turn a bunch of Nerds Clusters (the candy) into crystals before placing them on a makeshift Ouija board, my co-worker and I create a new spell to seal the creature in Hell.

Dream Five: The man who first released it is revealed in some kind of flashback to be c!Dream, and the Dream becomes a race against time to protect the spell from him while he tries to release it all over again. We enlist a Minecraft Warden to help with this, all while being beaten up by a giant cyclops (c!Dream is controlling it with telepathy). Finally, however, after c!Dream falls off a cliff and dies to fall damage, the spell is placed in the Library Of Congress in Washington DC, where it'll be kept safe from destruction, and the world is saved.

So yeah those are basically the most intense dreams I’ve ever had lmao

[lavenderslemonade]

Playing Animal Crossing While in Quarantine HC

Requests: Open!

Warnings: Pure fluff

Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, Kirishima, Tamaki and Aizawa: Playing Animal Crossing With Their S/O While in Quarantine

I’ve been obsessed with animal crossing these past few days! If you want to visit my island some time or just chill, DM me and I’ll send you my switch friend code!

Also, if there’s another My Hero Academia peep you want me to do that isn’t on this list, leave me a message in my inbox and I’ll do them next! Also, please feel free to leave a comment!

Midoriya

- The two of you had the game pre-ordered and once you got it the two of you became hooked. You refuse to let Midoriya onto your island till you have everything set up how you want. However, Midoriya lets you visit his island frequently. He has a little park area on his island, a little picnic area where the two of you can have little dates since he can’t take you out on real ones.

- He won’t let you in his house. You don’t know why, but he won’t. Before you can get near it you see where he’s dug holes or blocked the entrance off with large items so you can’t get through. “Midoriya, I wanna see your house.” You state one day over the phone as you keep hitting the large fish tank he’s put in front of the door with your net.

- You finally get in one day when he accidentally takes the fish tank away when he hit the wrong button, and you just bolt inside. You hear him freaking out on the other end of the phone begging you to please not look at his house. However, it’s too late. It’s...actually not that bad. He has normal rooms much to your surprise.

- Midoriya starts chasing you around his house as you scope out what he’s done with the place. Bathroom, Kitchen, Bedroom, Living room, it’s all pretty normal. Then you get to the basement. You knew it was too good to be true. His basement is nothing but All Might. Midoriyas avatar is behind you sweating and freaking out. However, you reassure him that it’s okay, you’ve seen worse. No really, you went to Minetas island to be nice, and like I said, you’ve seen worse on that island.

- If there’s something in the Nook shop that he thinks you’d like he’ll buy it for you and surprise you with it the next time you come over. If there’s a fossil you can’t find, or one or two bugs you need for Blathers then he’ll try his hardest to find them on different islands and give them to you. If your anniversary or birthday was coming up and couldn’t spend it together during quarantine, he’ll try to come up with a surprise for you.

- You leave your switch for a few minutes to open a few gifts that your relatives had sent you through the mail, and get a piece of cake that your parent(s) got for you. You keep your switch on so Midoriya can run around your island and do as he pleases. While you’re away he begins planting flowers all around your house that he’s collected. Has a little picnic set and places it in the middle of the flowers. Luckily the flowers start to attract butterflys and different insects.

- When you come back your heart is warm from the display, and the two of you spend several hours just talking and doing little things together like collecting the bugs the flowers brought in or fishing.

Bakugou

- He has a switch, but he didn’t buy the game when it first came out. Why would he? It was too cute looking for his taste and he remembers some of the girls playing that stupid background music to help them concentrate while they studied back at UA. It drove him up a damn wall then, so why would he put himself through that torture now?

- It wasn’t till he became annoyed with you that he decided to get the game. You were one of the people that had the game pre-ordered and ever since you got it, plus went under quarantine, you’ve hardly paid Bakugou a lick of attention. He was on the phone with you trying to have a conversation, but whenever it was your turn to talk or answer a question your line was just dead. He’d call out your name snapping you out of your trance, and apologize to him due to you trying to catch a butterfly.

- It was okay the first few times it happened, but then it became annoying. How your line would be quiet then randomly “If I can’t one more fucking sea bass!” blares from your end causing Bakugou to nearly drop his phone in surprise. “Are you still playing that stupid fucking game!” He’d growl into his phone. Goes onto Amazon once the two of you get off the phone and order the game. He won’t pick up whenever you try to call him, which honestly makes you feel pretty guilty.

- However, your guilt flies out the door when you see the banner come across your screen stating a visitor was arriving. You rush to the docks to see who it is and you’re surprised to see a mini Bakugou avatar walk out of the little airport. Quickly, you grab your phone and call him. You had hit the joy emote as you waited for him to pick up, and as soon as he did you couldn’t help but squeal in excitement. “I can’t believe you got the game!” You’d state excitedly as you watch your screen.

- Then an ax appeared in his hand, making the color drain from your face. “Please don’t...” You whimper. Honestly you expected him to chop down all your tree’s, however he simply chased you for about five minutes. Once he’s cooled down he listens to you gush about all the little dates the two of you can go on, giving him a tour of your island, and even showing off the big fish you’ve caught. He’s a little irked because he’s just started the game and hasn’t caught fish as big as yours yet.

- He complains about his hate for Tom Nook. You watched as he tries to hit Toms tent with an ax to no luck. He goes around your island and shakes all the fruit out of your trees much to your displeasure though he drops his own fruit from his island in front of you stating he wants you to plant them.

- Bakugou has a shirt that looks like his hero outfit that he wears most of the time. If he’s not wearing that shirt then he has a regular black shirt with a skull on it. The Bakusquad usually visits each others island, though they don’t visit Denki’s as much since it’s about just as bad as Minetas. It’s not perverted like Minetas, but it’s not really put together well and he wears the dress that looks like it’s a bikini...

- Bakugou is known to uproot Mina’s flowers when she’s not looking to give to you later, and easily gets irritated if one of the bakusquad catches a fish he was trying to get.

- He tried to name his island Hell, but that’s not allowed. So he followed Jacksepticeyes example and named it Hel

- He has a large bed in his house so that whenever you come over you can crawl in with him and pretend that the two of you are cuddling. He has Moose on his island AND HE WANTS HIM GONE!

Todoroki

- He didn’t pre-order the game before it came out, in fact he didn’t even own a switch. He’s never really been that interested in video games, and has mostly been spending his free time reading and spending time with his siblings. You keep sending him images of fish you’ve caught, the small garden you’ve set up beside your house, and when you spotted a Wisp across the water. He could tell you were having a lot of fun, and was surprised to find out that Midoriya and the rest of Class 1-A was playing the game.

- Thus, he ordered a switch and the game so he could play with everyone. He sends a picture of his avatar once he’s gotten everything set up. Though, you’re not surprised that his character has white hair instead of red. You call him and answer any questions he has, helping him learn the ropes of the game. once he’s got a good bit of things done, and Timmy and Tommys shop has been set up, you allow him to visit your island. However, he won’t let you visit his yet.

- The two of you mostly goof around collecting bugs and fish. When the sun sets you have a bench near the edge of the water that the two of you sit on together. Todoroki starts a garden on your island just for you. Yeah, you have one that you started, but he wanted to start one where it’s just flowers he’s brought you. If he’s visiting a fellow classmates island and sees a flower he thinks you’d like or would look good in the garden, he’ll take a few thousand bells and drop it at the island owners feet before typing “I want the flower.”

- They’re not complaining because they got a dept to pay. Will go straight to your island and plant the flower.

- He has Marshal AND Raymond on his island, and honestly you feel a bit jealous. He’s converted pictures of you and the two of you together from his phone to the nintendo app so he can hang up pictures of y’all in his house. His house is honestly pretty simple, just like his dorm room. He even has a bamboo noodle slide beside his house. Actually a good chunk of his island has bamboo on it now, which doesn’t surprise you.

- The two of you actually dress up your characters to go on mini dates together. It grosses Bakugou out. “Why the fuck are y’all dressed like you’re about to go someplace fancy?!” Bakugou would type out while hitting Todoroki with a net much to his annoyance. When he’s bored Todoroki would make little outfits for you and send you the QR code. You mostly wear only what Todoroki makes now.

- He insist’s on helping you pay off your debt to Tom Nook, but you won’t let him.

Kirishima

- Like Midoriya he and you both pre-ordered the game. Surprisingly he’s played the past Animal Crossings as well. Before quarantine the two of you would actually listen to soothing animal crossing music when you study or were taking a nap. Your island is more developed than his since he doesn’t want to do the time jump cheat.

- The first room he has added onto his house is turned into a gym. He gets along so well with Tank, and usually can see his character running with Tank. Sucks at designing clothes so you designed him a Red Riot costume and emailed him the QR code. He lets you design different outfits for him and will put on little fashion shows for you. The two of you usually visit Sero and Minas island together, and sometimes Bakugou when he’s on (which is rare), and Denki’s.

- Everyone clicked the surprise emote when Denki appeared in the bikini dress. The two of you will go on fishing dates together, and if he catches a cute insect or a hard to catch fish, he’ll give it to you. One of the only things he’ll try is trying to grow a money tree, which surprisingly works.

- You logged on one day for one of your dates and he stated he had a gift for you. He’d hop off the bench y’all were sitting on and give you a huge stuffed bear from the Nook store. After that he’d take you to the town square where some of his villagers were singing Bubblegum KK.

- Has a large bed so the two of you can ‘snuggle’. His house is pretty ordinary, he keeps all his workout stuff in the back room. He’s the type that uses half his island to store the fish he’s collected to he an turn them in all at once. He’ll spend two-three days collecting fish nonstop, and then selling them to Timmy and Tommy. He see’s it as just a bit of revenge for the insane dept Tom Nook has put everyone in.

- He surprisingly pays close attention to the decor of your home. If there’s something he thinks you’ll like, he’ll build it and then change it’s color so it can fit with your homes aesthetic. Both of you download the nintendo switch app and convert photos of yourselves to put in your homes. He wants to go visit Tamaki, but you try to convince him not to since you know he’ll probably cause the older boy to have an anxiety attack with how hyper he is on the game.

- The two of you decided to be nice and visit Mineta’s island a.k.a “Hentai Island”. As soon at the two of you read the title you knew you were in trouble. His avatar frequently wears a shirt that has abs on it, and somehow it’s more disturbing than Denki’s Bikini dress. He tries to flirt with you in the game “Do I look manly enough for you now (y/n)?” you can basically hear him salivating from the other side of the screen.

- After that you and Kirishima vow never to go back. He’s not allowed on either of your islands either. Kirishima allowed him over once and he just kept staring at one of the pixel images of you Kirishima has on his wall. Luckily, while he was over Kirishima accidentally shook some wasps from a tree, and while he was running away they attacked Mineta.

Tamaki

- Both of you were too busy to pre-order the game, but Fatgum knew how much both you and Tamaki enjoyed Animal Crossing. He had actually caught the two of you playing on your break on your 3DS’s. He knew that some much was going on in your lives due to it being your final school year, plus the ordeal with saving Eri. Thus, he pre-ordered two of the games as a surprise for the two of you.

- However, due to not knowing when you’d get quarantined, once the games arrived he personally mailed them out to the both of you along with a little letter. When the two of you got your copies, you were surprised and ecstatic. Both of you sent a thank you text to Fatgum and began playing right away. Both of you spent a few days to yourselves, wanting to get your island organized and to surprise each other. You tried catching all the butterflies you could to give to Blathers and make the museum’s butterfly garden as nice as it could be!

- Neither you or Tamaki time jump since you want to experience the full calming effect of Animal Crossing. Tamaki honestly feels a bit intimidated by  Bam, but he loves Fuchsia. When the two of you finally visit he each other, you insist on going to his island first. He has flowers all around Fuchsia’s home and you could see a few buds sprouting around the new homes that were being built, his way of welcoming his new villagers.

- He’s made a large garden for you at the top of his island, where none of the villagers can really disturb the two of you. Because there’s nothing more awkward than Tamaki spending time with his S/O in a romantic setting and then trying to take them to the secret spot he set up just for Dom to be sitting on the bench meant for the two of you. He doesn’t want to be mean to the villager, however, watches from the side as you pull out your net and start thwacking Dom with it till he moves.

- Tamaki watched Dom leave, before joining you on the bench, and deciding to send the sheep some flowers as an apology for making him move. But like, it was a mini date for the two of you and he really wanted to watch the meteor shower with you from that said spot. And the end of the night you give him the outdoor picnic set you needed cherry blossom petals to make.

- On your island you tried your best to collect as many butterflies as you could along with a few other insects and koi for aesthetics to surprise Tamaki with. He’s honestly shocked with home many butterflies you had caught. With the time frame of some of them it means you’ve probably been up early in the morning to late at night trying to catch specific ones. Blathers probably has nightmares now about butterflies.

- Both of you aren’t really big fans of Tom Nook, but Tamaki loves Isabelle, Timmy and Tommy. Whenever Mirio and Nejire visit, it’s chaotic. The two of you will be chilling in the town square watching Marina sing into the mic that Tamaki set up for her, meanwhile Mirio and Nejire are chasing each other with nets and beating each other over the head. Mirio accidentally plucked one of Tamaki’s flower hybrids and Tamaki quickly clicked the distressed emote.

- Tamaki takes very good care of his plant life, literally going around and watering them everyday. So you were able to replicate the hybrid and planted it in the spot where Mirio had accidentally plucked the other one.

Aizawa

- Due to your busy schedules, Aizawa has a switch lite that he plays on when he’s taking breaks at school or when he’s just resting at home. Meanwhile you have a full on switch. Both of you pre-ordered the game and play it side by side at home. Aizawa is pretty resourceful with his materials, keeping things in his storage as to not waste room and going out to collect more stuff.

- His first two villagers were Rudy and Pashmina. You watched as his eye lit up at Rudy, knowing your boyfriend was crazy for cats. He tries to follow things step by step, collecting items to sell and pay off Tom Nook and steadily becoming frustrated with the more dept the damn raccoon put him in. Meanwhile, you’re using the time jump cheat to get things done quicker and make your island look like legit paradise.

- You’ve went to his island to find him catching fish and trying to give it to Rudy. He doesn’t really use emotes. A good bit of the time you see that he’s online, thus when you go to visit his island you’re surprised to see he’s not greeting you at the docks. You go to his house and you’re not surprised to find his avatar asleep on the bed. You go to the living room to see your boyfriend passed out on the couch, his switch resting against his chest as he snoozes away.

- You frequently bop him in the head with your net when you want attention, because he’s usually focused on completing tasks for Tom Nook and selling items to Timmy and Tommy. You finally stop when he pulls out an ax and just stares at you. You peek up from your switch in your chair in the living room and just see Aizawa glaring at you from the couch. “...I love you.” You’d state with the most innocent look you can muster.

- Barold moves onto Aizawa’s island and AIZAWA WANTS HIM GONE. You’d noticed online how the character had been getting a fair amount of disapproval, but it couldn’t be that bad. Well, Aizawa led you to Barolds house and you were amazed to see the surveillance stuff he has up, and you agree with Aizawa. Boi gotta go.  

- You decide to mess with him one day so you send all his students his switch friendship code, and Momo helps you design the schools uniform for the students. Some even make their hero costumes. When he gets on one evening he’s horrified to see all his students sitting in classroom chairs in the center of his island. Some of the villagers are passing by trying to talk to them, and you’re chilling on a bench. You walk over to your boyfriend and pull out a party popper and spray confetti over him yelling “Surprise! They wouldn’t pay attention on Zoom, so I thought they’d pay attention on here!”

- He just stares you down from his side of the bed. You refuse to look up from your switch to meet his irritated gaze.

- You’re not allowed on his island for a week.

[dailybestiary]

Patch Has Issues: Dungeon #1

Issue: Dungeon #1

Date: September/October 1986. (I was just entering 3rd grade—a dismal year for me—and hadn’t yet discovered D&D at this point. I had just watched Optimus Prime pass away on the operating table during The Transformers: The Movie, though.)

The Cover:

(Use of cover for review purposes only and should not be taken as a challenge to status. Credit and copyright remain with their respective holders.)

One of the notable things about Dungeon was that the covers were actually commissioned for the magazine, instead of just vaguely connected to the issue’s theme like Dragon’s were. The late Keith Parkinson’s “Into the Flame” shows off the star of the issue, the red dragon Flame. Its very humanoid posture recalls Parkinson’s time doing draconians for the Dragonlance line. I’m guessing he was very proud of being picked to launch the magazine—this image is the first that comes up on his website to this day. (If you’re curious, Parkinson’s work in general is great if you like knights in bad weather and big humanoids, but he definitely leans hard into the all-women-in-fantasy-are-bikini-wearing-sorceresses trope, a habit that—like many ex-TSR artists—only got more pronounced as his career progressed. It’s no wonder he moved into video games.)

The Adventures:

“The Dark Tower of Cabilar” by Michael Ashton & Lee Sperry, AD&D, Levels 4–7

Our very first Dungeon Adventure is...*drum roll*...a converted tournament module that is pretty rudimentary: Defeat the vampire in his stalagmite tower-and-dungeon combo (I’m already thinking a stalactite would have had more cinematic appeal), and retrieve the crown that can prove your employer’s godson’s noble lineage.

Right off the bat, this adventure features encounters with fire drakes and lava children! Yep, you read that right—lava children. (Pathfinder fans will remember them from Misfit Monsters Redeemed.) Clearly Dungeon is not afraid of Fiend Folio weirdness.

Beyond that, the module screams “I was written for a tournament” with the number of traps and cursed items and red herrings involved, and not in a good way. Once we get to to the dungeon levels, as a reader I’m just listlessly going room by room till we get to the Big Bad. Overall, a disappointing start.

“Assault on Eddistone Point” by Patricia Nead Elrod, AD&D, Levels 1–3

Our first adventure by a woman author is only our second adventure out of the gate! This bodes well for the rest of the series—wait. Hold on. Is that Patricia Nead as in P. N. Elrod? I’ve never read her work, but she’s helmed some anthologies that Jim Butcher’s short stories have appeared in. I’m guessing this is an early cut from her? And frankly the hand of an experienced author is all over these pages—a vast step up from the previous article (whose authors, to be fair, seem like they were still in college, according to their bios).

So first off, this is a tidy little adventure: Check out why the team sent to repair a signal tower hasn’t reported back. (Even Bryce likes it! We’ll talk about Bryce below.) The NPCs aren’t locked to one location (except the hostages), so once PCs get to the tower, it’s up to the GM to position them and assign reactions. But the cast is small enough this doesn’t seem daunting, even for new GMs, and you could run this thing in a single night.

But where it really shines, as I said, is the deft authorship. Elrod very quickly delivers a tight sketch of the location: two city-states vying for market advantage, dwarves under the mountain range in between minting the gold that moves said markets, some signal towers that exist as a compromise to keep the peace, and what the heck, also some elves in the valley between.

Now, this is basic stuff. And not even pumpkin-spice-latte basic...this is “I’ve only read The Hobbit” basic. Dwarves minting gold and elves in the woods and most of the villains are half-orcs? Even for 1986, this ought to be chucked in the bin as trite.

And yet...it’s not, because of Elrod’s deft pen. I suddenly want to find out more about these cities in the course of play—maybe one could be a good home base for the party? The interplay of politics and markets and signal fires and dwarf relations is just specific enough to feel real, while being sketchy enough it could be dropped into most game worlds. The clever chief antagonist is distinctive enough I don’t mind her stereotypical brute sidekicks, and trying to uncover her employer could lead to the next session’s adventure. It’s basic sure, but it’s Basic Rules-red-box basic. In other words, it feels classic. I wouldn’t put this in front of my grad school gaming group, necessarily, but if I got asked to run an afterschool session for some middle-schoolers wanting to learn the game? Hell yes!

At this point, I’ve probably oversold this adventure, so forgive me if you are underwhelmed by it. But I’m willing to risk a little overhyping to celebrate what can be constructed with such simple meat-and-potatoes ingredients.

And that’s not even counting the not-meat-and-potatoes elements, like the white raven who is already one of my favorite familiars ever, and the ticking clocking scenario the weather sets up (you need to beat the mercenaries before they can mess with the signals), and the names of the other watchtower peaks, each one slyly suggesting another adventure, and…yeah, I dig this.

“Grakhirt’s Lair” by John Nephew, AD&D, Levels 1–3

John Nephew wrote one of my favorite D&D supplements of all time, Tall Tales of the Wee Folk, which I won’t shut up about—I’ve even told him so on Twitter—so I don’t feel bad in saying that this entry is a total dud for me. Pretty much the only interesting thing about this adventure is that the humanoid antagonists are the Fiend Folio’s norkers, and they get the classic 1e AD&D humanoid treatment: that is, absolutely nothing sets them apart from any other humanoid out there aside from their stat blocks. You can skip this one without guilt.

(Admittedly, Nephew was also shockingly young when he did both this and TTotWF. Looking back, I really wish I’d made some different decisions re: my writing growing up—I was disengaging with the hobby just at the age when other people were hammering down the door to get published. Sigh. But hey, none of them held a Run-DMC concert or hung out with Rahzel at age 21, right? We all have our journeys.)

“The Elven Home,” by Anne Gray McReady, D&D, Levels 1–3

Our first D&D adventure! D&D, specifically BECMI D&D, was the neglected stepchild of the late ’80s and early ’90s, despite the earnest efforts of line champion Bruce Heard, Dungeon editors Roger Moore and Barbara Young, and a lot of talented freelancers. But I was a fierce D&D partisan, because it was what I was first introduced to and what I could afford, and because I loved the variety of classes and cultures the Known World allowed. For a line that often felt overlooked in terms of marketing and support, the love and talent put into the books that did exist were evident on almost every page.

So I wish I could find more to recommend “The Elven Home,” but it’s not even really an adventure or even a side trek—instead it’s a thoroughly fleshed-out NPC encounter that should lead to combat only if the PCs are particularly boorish. Like Bryce (again, see below) I could have used more whimsy and more weirdness to make these elves stand out just a bit more, though their twee personalities (more faerie than Tolkien) at least set them apart from most elves PCs run across these days. So your mileage may vary—some of you may be utterly charmed by this (I lean at least somewhat charmed), others of you very much not.

“Into the Fire,” by Grant & David Boucher, AD&D, Levels 6–10

I was expecting a lot out of this adventure—the cover dragon, Flame, was the closest thing Dungeon had to a mascot till the Adventure Path years under Paizo, and he wound up appearing in at least one or two more sequel adventures, if I recall correctly.

While I wasn’t blown away, I can see where the fondness comes from. The adventure isn’t particularly special at first. A necklace shows up that may hint at the fate of a lost prince, but following that lead means following the trail of a recently deceased knight, and—spoilers!—that trail leads back to a dragon. But then the combat with Flame is presented, and the brothers Boucher serve up a number of round-by-round tactics and dirty tricks for Flame to employ that wouldn’t feel out of place in 3.5...and I’m guessing were thrilling in 1986.

Remember, this is before dragons had varying power levels according to age—and were often asleep in their lairs to boot—so if DMs weren’t careful high-level characters would carve through them like butter. (Seriously, it was such an issue that every June Dragon Magazine would churn out articles about how to keep your dragons alive longer. They did this for decades.) It’s easy to ding the Bouchers—Bryce (see below) certainly does—for coming up with too many reasons why Flame is immune to PC powers and abilities throughout the adventure. But to me it just feels like an experienced red wyrm doing what an experienced red wyrm who wants to live would do. Flame is smart, more interested in survival than winning, and while he plans to ruin the PCs’ lives as thoroughly as possible, he’ll run if he has to. PCs who survive will be stoked to tell the tale, and that feeling will only be magnified by a massive treasure haul with a number of flavorful items and future adventure seeds of its own.

Other things to note: There’s a slanty tower that’s okay (I’m a sucker for slanty towers), but where it’s placed in the adventure, it will likely be an anticlimax. There are also some big wandering monster encounters—a score of ogres with an ogre magi, two dozen ghouls and ghasts, etc.—that I’d be interested to see how they rebalanced for Pathfinder/5e D&D. I think shows like Game of Thrones have put the fear back into random encounters with large groups of humanoids, so it would be fun to play that out even if the math says the PCs shouldn’t break a sweat.

Is this my favorite adventure? Not by a long shot. But I can see why readers were fond of it and why Flame’s legend persisted.

“Guardians of the Tomb,” by Carl Smith, AD&D, Levels 3–5

That...is some very boring architecture for a shrine. Also, why would a master thief even have a shrine? Especially in a swamp? And while I’m vague on the relative power levels of 3rd–5th-level characters in 1e AD&D, I feel like 2(x PCs+ y retainers) shadows+1d12 even more shadows = a whole damn lot of shadows to trap the PCs with behind an 18th-level wall of stone! Apparently Smith even worked for TSR at some point—did no one pull him aside and say, “Dude! Game balance!”?

I have questions.

Not only does this seem a bit extreme, at least for an unlucky 3rd-level party, it feels personal. This feels like Carl Smith had some players he wanted to teach a lesson. The bio says Carl Smith’s first love is Westerns; I’m guessing he likes the ones about the Alamo or Butch Cassidy or Unforgiven where pretty much everyone dies at the end.

Who hurt you, Carl Smith? Who hurt you?

Best Read: “Assault on Eddistone Point.”

Best Adventure I Could Actually Run with Minimal Prep: All but “Into the Fire” could probably be run after only a second read-through. But I actually want to run “Assault on Eddistone Point.”

Best Concept: As dungeon locations go, a leaning tower that’s leaning because a dragon decided the best way to kill the wizard inside was just to land on the dang thing and knock it over is a pretty good concept.

Best Monster: You always remember your first dragon. So of course, we have to give this accolade to the always-two-steps-ahead Flame.

Best NPC: I’m a fan of the crafty Vorona in “Assault on Eddistone Point,” but the tie goes to the titular elves of “The Elven Home,” who literally want to chat so badly that the party might get attacked by stirges for lingering too long. Don’t overlook the wolfwere in “Into the Flame” though— he sounds like a real a$$#ole.

Best Map: “Into the Flame”’s Lake Haven kinda-isometric hex map, though I also do like seeing the dragon’s volcano lair map with a boat right in the middle.

Best Thing Worth Stealing: A dragon’s volcano lair with a boat right in the middle.

Worst Aged: The magazine’s first adventure hadn’t even started yet and the text was reminding us to look up climbing rules and calculate the PCs’ weights. Yikes. I don’t miss 1e AD&D. Also, the term “magic-user.” Oy. So glad that’s gone. Oh, and alignment tongues! Ye gods, remember alignment tongues? No, you don’t, because they made no sense and no one over the age of 11 ever used one in their game.

What Bryce Thinks: “Wow. I had no idea that 1e adventures sucked ass so much.”

One of the only people who has done in-depth online reviews of old Dungeon issues is a dude named Bryce Lynch over at tenfootpole.org—which is hilarious, because Bryce hates old Dungeon adventures. An OSR (old-school renaissance) fan through and through, Bryce is super particular about what he considers an acceptable adventure. To his credit, he wants adventures able to be easily run at the table, but he also loathes boxed read-aloud text, long backstory, and pretty much anything he regards as fluff. Which means Dungeon, even at this primordial stage of the game, drives him around the twist (as our Brit readers might say)—and it’s only going to get worse. Even so, I’m going to check in on his reviews as we go along, because his laser focus on the GM’s experience at the table is a good yin to my all-about-the-fluff/inspiration yang.

But for what it’s worth...we pretty much line up on our faves for this issue. Go us! Ditto Adam Perdona, whose tastes also seem to line up with mine and who also liked “The Elven Home.”

So, Is It Worth It?: Okay so let’s say you play Pathfinder, 5e D&D, or some other contemporary system. Should you run out and try to find a physical copy of Dungeon #1?

Well...aside from the collector’s value (it is a #1 after all)...probably not. There’s nothing here that screams “Pull me off the shelf”—what pleasures are inside will also be in the PDF.

What this issue does offer is a back-to-basics approach to adventure construction and worldbuilding that I think we sometimes need. Sometimes all you need is some dwarves, some elves, and a dragon. Sometimes we need to forget secret societies and trade disputes and just help a king who’s lost his prince. Think of Dungeon #1—specifically “Assault on Eddistone Point” and “Into the Flame”—like one of those articles you sometimes see in GQ or Esquire: “How to Grill a Steak. No, put down the pesto, put down the chutney, put down the coffee dry rub and remoulade. You’re going to grab some salt and pepper and maaaybe some butter and We Are Going to Grill a Goddamn STEAK.”

If you want fusion sushi, look elsewhere. Are you in the mood for steak? Look for these two adventures.

Random Thoughts:

Editor Roger Moore’s voice in the intro is so stiff—he would be way more assured and relaxed in the ’90s.

It’s a huge nostalgia trip seeing maps in “1 square = 10’” after years of 5’ squares in 3.0/3.5/Pathfinder.

Speaking of maps, they’re still pretty rudimentary here—it is 1986, after all. But I’m pleased that we are immediately getting side or isometric views of some of these locations (especially the towers) to give us a better sense of what these structures look like. I’m a big fan of that.

One of the weird things about published D&D, AD&D, and Pathfinder settings is that, for an ostensibly Middle Ages-inspired hobby, most show surprisingly little interest in the standard medieval trappings. Kings and princes are rare, city-states are the norm rather than feudal kingdoms, and even knights and castles have largely given way to mercenaries and manor houses. I think there are tons of reasons for this—questing knight tropes feeling stale or immature, the gradual shift of the hobby’s default assumptions to early Renaissance and the Mediterranean rather than medieval England, more opportunities for political conflict but with more manageable stakes... (And let’s face it: high-level PCs just love regicide. Oligarchs don’t have targets on their backs the way kings do.) Anyway, I bring all this up because early Dungeon is clearly not afraid of kings, queens, princes, or knights. If your tastes are more King Arthur & Prince Hal than Diplomats & Doges, you might want to check these early issues out.

Comfy rooms that make you sleepy are an overdone trope in this era.

Leaning/slanty towers also get a lot of love in Dungeon—perhaps too much—but I will never not love them.

If a description, even if just meant for the GM, is going to use a simile that takes me out of the game world such as “like Spanish bayonet,” I’d prefer it walled off in parentheses.

A lot of the art inside this issue (especially James Holloway’s) would be reused again and again in the pages of Dragon, including for subscription cards, the No-SASE Ogre, and even “The Voyage of the Princess Ark.”

Notable Ads: An ad for Lankhmar, City of Adventure, for you classic sword & sorcery fans, and the Dungeoneer’s Survival Guide for AD&D.

(Any fans of the DSG out there? I’ve always heard it, like, laid the groundwork for what we think of as the Underdark. But every time I’ve seen a used copy on the shelf I’ve opened to pages and pages of rules about mining and smelting and I’ve closed it in horror.)

This Month in Dragon: Dragon #113 offers a cardboard dragon (assuming you have a physical copy or can get creative with the PDF), a tour of Hades, fiction by Harry Turtledove, and some nasty Gamma World robots. Dragon #114 serves up the witch NPC, the elven cavalier class, and Marvel’s Inhumans.

[internutter]

Bullet Point Storytime (D&D edition)

Those of y’all who check out my daily blog entries over on my hub site [internutter (dot) org] will know that I’m playing me some D&D on alternate Fridays. For those of you who don’t... then I’ll share the whole tale.

I’ve joined a D&D group associated with Beloved’s workplace and I take along my eldest, known to the Interwebs as Mayhem. He’s just starting into the game and is following the rule of cool. Me? I’m Chaotic Nuisance and consider it my duty to (a) do the mandatory Monty Python quote per sesh and (b) break the DM at some point.

Also in the party are my Brother-in-law and one of his coworkers. Let’s call them M and S for brevity and protection.

S plays a Dwarf Warlock (M) who’s a descendent of their previous characters.

M is playing an edgelord-esque Changeling Ranger (F) with a pet Stirge we collectively named Tinkerbell. Nobody knows that she’s a Changeling, since they’re incredibly rare in these parts.

Mayhem decides on a Tortle Monk in the Drunken Master discipline because a combined rule of cool and rule of funny.

My Chaotic Nuisance ass rolls up a Bugbear Cleric who follows Lathander and decides on Pollyanna levels of optimism and enthusiasm for good.

We’re playing Storm King’s Thunder.

Session One:

Things get off to a rolling start with an abandoned town and one of our players [S was absent] blackout drunk in M’s wagon. The church bell is ringing, but it’s not a pattern familiar to the Cleric.

M wanders off elsewhere as their character’s allergic to churches while Mayhem and I check out the church.

O noes! Gerblins are playing with the bellpull. One’s riding the rope and the other one is helping them ride

Big fluffy boi takes mild offense and attempts to correct them

Mayhem’s Tortle wants to play and fucking leaps onto the bellpull... and accidentally kills the gerblin on the rope.

One quick Spare the Dying with a side of Cure Wounds, two Gerblins run off into the wilderness.

We spend hours dicking around looking at empty farms and houses

Including a visit to the inn, which has huge rocks in it

And one survivor, who’s in the Mercantile party when we’re in the helping hands.

Picture it. One terrified Human lady alone in an abandoned town and her hiding place is uncovered by: A Bugbear, a Tortle, and whatever the hell M is.

And when my dude smiles nervously, he looks a lot like this:

Yeah. No wonder she ran off. But she did tell us that Giants were responsible for all the rocks all over the place.

We go investigate the mill because the Tortle ran off there looking for booze [despite having a jug of alchemy]

Two more Gerblins, which my boi greets with a spiel that includes “be at peace”.

One Gerblin convert, the other shoots the ranger, who sends her pet to drain the unfortunate archer dry.

Session Two:

S attends, this time, and wakes up hungover to behold an empty town with rocks in it

My boi is stoked, he has a new little brother in the converted Gerblin

S is bamboozled and M is just shaking her head at all this. Mayhem’s Tortle is just along for the ride.

We continue to explore the town

Convert Gerblin (CG) Insists on wanting a baptism but we have a job to do

During the survey of the wreckage, S gets a flying cat as a pet

It’s getting dark and CG is distracted by a bunch of other Gerblins playing Chase in a pumpkin field

Mayhem and I go play tag with the Gerblins while M&S explore the nearby house

The game of tag is played with pumpkins on their heads, so my boy hollows out one and joins.

Some other Gerblins in a nearby tower start shooting at Mayhem and my oblivious asses.

M&S lay waste to the guys in the tower, and CG loses his faith.

Reluctant slaughter, and furry pollyanna’s first and (so far) only kill.

Then there’s another fight in the town square, in the dark against four Worgs and a bunch of archers in the night

We retreat to the safety of the inn, though S needs a quick Spare the Dying

We’re in deep, deep shit.

Session Three:

My dude is running out of spell slots by now, so we fortify and prepare

Mayhem hides, so does S. M alights on one of the boulders and we wait

The end result of the fight with the Gerblins is - 6 dead, two survivors. CG and the one my dude saved in the belltower earlier, the Revived Gerblin (RG)

They piss-bolt

We lay out the Gerblins in the churchyard and then cook up some Worg Stew because we have two dead Worgs and few other resources. [We later learn that Worg shouldn’t be edible but whatevs]

During this, the Mercantiles turn up. They get greeted by S the Dwarf, Mayhem the Tortle, and my nervous Bugbear ass.

Weapons are drawn.

Hostilities are eventually forestalled and their Half-Elf leader, X, flat-out tells my boi “Stop trying to befriend everyone you meet!”

I greet this message from my DM with a resolve to be even more Pollyanna than ever. All over the landscape.

The lady from the Inn returns from her place of hiding and vouches for us. Yay.

We decide not to be murder hobos against these guys, and S swings a deal where we go to the keep and help them take over the entire town for their lord. Tomorrow.

Mayhem gets these guys fall-down drunk

M decides to cause some shit in the ranks by imitating X, and attempting to subdue the Mercantile Lass (ML) or cause shit in the attempt

ML feigns being sound asleep. She wasn’t. Greets apparent-X with a knife to the throat and “I’m growing sick of your advances.”

We all plea for smooth jazz at this point. In-between laughing our guts up.

S goes out to talk to the horses - who are not fantastic fonts of information

M backs off from ML and threatens her life. Then exits her room.

M transforms into ML, plays rough with X, and tells him: “My room. Five minutes. Pretend it’s your second visit there. I will be.”

Following all this setup, M transforms into one of the Mercantile dudes

We all make popcorn anticipating how this will play out...

DM: “There is a high-pitched scream in the night. She really was tired of his advances.”

This is only going to descend into further chaos because I’m planning a pre-dawn simul-heist where my dude looks after all the other dead Gerblins littering the landscape.

Plus, if I get the chance, he’s going to drop a TERRIBLE pick-up line on ML just because she was nice to him instead of terrified.

Stay tuned for Session Four.

[xukunstellation]

The Way You Move || Ding Zeren

Title: The Way You Move Pairing: Reader x Zeren Genre: Youtuber!AU + fluff Word Count: 1037 words Summary: Your subscribers have been bugging you to collab with this popular youtube dancer who also happens to be your biggest fan.

A/N: This has been sitting in my drafts for the looooongest amount of time. I’m so behind on requests due to stuff going on in my life, but I had to take a little break and write for this boy because he makes me so happy. I haven’t seen too many fics for him, so I’m extremely happy to be writing for him. Please appreciate and love this talented boy!

it’s about time i get around to writing this

and for ya’ll to stop sleeping on him

pls stan him

i love me some ding zeren

let’s get this show on the road

you’re an up and coming famous vlogger who has been in the youtube community for a little over two years now

you’ve garnered around two million subscribers since you started 

speaking of video, your vlogs consist primarily of you filming comedy skits and pranks with your friends who refer to themselves as bc221

your most viewed video is you and yue yue dressing up as ghosts and scaring the hell out of the others

rip ziyang and ling chao 

bufan wasn’t having it tho and was ready to throw hands LMAO

your subscribers are well acquainted with seeing them on your channel

mainly bc the little shits are always trying to “convert” your subscribers over to the other side aka their own relatively popular music channel

you love them anyway

other than that, you also vlog moments of your every day life

which the audience seem to really love due to your down to earth personality

it was a refreshing contrast to how wild af you were in your other videos

you had just uploaded another video for the week where you recorded the boys during one of their practices

as you were happily liking and replying back to fan comments, you saw a common theme occurring in the comment section for the past few of your videos

most of the comments were telling you to check out this channel called yuehua dance studio

kind of like 1million dance studio who i love omg pls check them out 

specifically, they wanted you to check out this person called ding zeren who apparently was a huge fan of you

justin was the one who outted him through one of their videos and got zeren into this mess lmao

so you go to check out their dance videos

and holy shit, they were so good???

they were also hella attractive too wtf they have both beauty and talents; that’s not fair

meanwhile you’re a potato

it wasn’t hard for you to tell which one was zeren since he was usually the one front and center

you’re basically awestruck bc damn he got moves. he looked so serious and his moves were sharper than any kind of knife. no wonder he was the main dancer. he had more talent in his pinky than he did in your entire body, cries.

this talented being is a fan of you? how lucky

you figured you’d give your subscribers what they want

so you found his instagram and sent him a message asking if he’d like to collab with you for your next video

zeren almost shit his pants 

bc omfg one of his favorite youtubers had literally slid into his dms messaged him and wanted to film with him

he said yes ofc

after discussing the details, you guys agreed to meet the next day to start filming at the yuehua dance studio

fast forward to when you two finally meet

to zeren’s surprise, you were actually quite shy upon first impression (which he found even more adorable about you)

“hello, i’m (y/n). it’s a pleasure to meet you,” you greeted him sweetly

“i’m zeren. it’s nice the meet you too, even though i already know who you are. i’ve watched all of your videos,” he laughed lightly in response

“i guess my fans were right when they told me you were also a fan of mine. i’m honored,” you grinned. “i’ve watched a few of your dance videos and you’re an amazing dancer!”

even though zeren looked calm and collected, in reality he was trying not to scREaM bc he was standing in front of his idol and she liked his dancing wow what a time to be alive

before you started filming, the two of you talked in order to get to know each other more so you wouldn’t be too awkward

you saw how his eyes lit up brighter than the sun when he told you how passionately he loved to dance 

when he explained how he usually choreographed most of the dances on the channel, he got really sheepish and embarrassed when you praised him for it

you essentially hyping him up

he didn’t show it but you activated his fanboy mode good job

his confident and easy going demeanor made it really easy to get along with him as he kept making you laugh and smile

he even did the chick chick dance for you (even though he was hella embarrassed and you cringed extra hard)

iconic

that’s how much he liked you

it also helped calm your nerves bc he’s literally the dorkiest and most beautiful person you’ve ever seen

now it was time to start filming for the video

your idea was to film an expectations vs reality comedy skit

zeren was obvi the expectations and you were the reality bc you had two left feet and couldn’t dance to save your life

the whole filming process was an entire mess

ya’ll couldn’t stop laughing the entire time

he found your over exaggerated terrible dance skills hilarious (you tried to milly rock and do the shoot dance but ended up falling on your ass)

meanwhile you found his method of teaching equally as hilarious

“okay so the next part goes like this....”

“SHUUUUUUUUUU CHA CHAK WUUUUUUUSH”

“BOOM BOO TA! SUUU SUUU SUUU HA!”

“zeren wtf”

overall, filming went extremely well to the point where you had days worth of bloopers

you had to admit, you were feeling really down now that the day was over bc you were having such a good time 

luckily for you, zeren felt the same way

except he had no intention on letting you slip by his fingers that easily

“hey, (y/n?)”

“yeah, zeren?”

“let’s grab dinner together”

“as in a date?”

“only if you want it to be”

let’s just say subscribers from both of your channels completely lost their shit when you uploaded a vlog later that next day of the two of you together on your date

the end

stop sleeping on ding zeren

stan talent

stan zeren

i wrote this at one in the morning so i apologize for any mistakes-- i need some sleep

[kenthedm]

That Time D&D Went Sideways

So the characters, Newbie Dwarven Ranger [NDR], Seasoned Planeswalker Ranger [SPR], Intelligence 6 Paladin [I6P], and Not Quite Evil Warlock [NQEW], all decided to venture back to an old dwarven stronghold that was converted to pirate base. Its entrance is in a cliff on the coast.

It is important to note that the heroes have worked out a deal with a local goblin alchemist (Fork Footsplint) where they can make health potions for free before an adventure. There are two small caveats: the first is that the potions lose their efficacy at the end of the adventure; the second is that due to some substitutions by the goblin the potions work “better” and have a random rolled effect from the Wild Magic Surge table. In this case, for the two potions the I6P makes, Fork threw in some grasshopper legs as a substitute. The player rolls a 48 and the potion turns a nice milky white (with the aforementioned bug legs floating at the top). Those of you that can’t stand the anticipation can go look up the effect now, I’ll wait...

As a bit of backstory, the pirate base is run by a Captain who kicked SPR off the boat for mutiny, though she tells the story… as a slightly different series of events. The Captain’s involved with a Witch and has taken a keen interest in the vault portion of their converted stronghold. It must be love, because they’ve started excavations of the vault together. The characters previously found the Witch’s notes, which indicate that there is a hand or eye that belonged to an old-dead-undead-god-creature (the old dwarven doesn’t translate well). This will be their second foray into this place, after killing most of the pirate crew on the first. “I assure you all the people we killed were all bad” the SPR says to the I6P, who nods assent. The players, I think, assume this will be a cakewalk.

Now, I want you to know I don’t play my bad guys as idiots. In the intervening time, the Captain and Witch completed their excavations and found the contents of the vault. The witch took the dead bodies of the crew and raised them as skeletons. Essentially, they are back in business with lower overhead.

Since our bad guys have watched Indiana Jones, they decide to create a portal next to the box that contains the artifact, minimizing the risk of boulder crushing while they figure out how to untangle the artifact from all those magic locks. There is plenty of time for them to do this and escape, I think, because the heroes would have to fight their way through the entire complex, and even if they succeeded, they would be too weak to pursue. Not to mention, the Captain and Witch are a Half-Dragon Veteran (CR 5) and Mage (CR 6), respectively, and the party averages 2nd level. They will politely escape to avoid absolutely murdering the players.

Enter in our team. SPR, for shits, uses the daily fluff ability of “detect portal” as they come up the cliff behind the cave, and finds that there is a portal some 100 yards or so behind the entrance. So they decide to investigate and climb around the cliff and look for a secret entrance.

Except there is no secret entrance because you don’t build secret entrances to vaults. That’s how things get stolen. However, unimportant until now, is the terrain. The highest section of the cliff is near the entrance, and then slopes away from said entrance. This means that to a point, the stone work on the “roof” of the dungeon gets thinner the further in you go. Erosion is a bitch.

The NDR uses their stone cunning and finds the thinnest section of stone and its really thin.

I6P: I begin stamping my feet.

DM: Ok. Make a perception check. Those of you who get a 10 or above notice cracks forming near I6P’s feet.

NDR, NQEW: [They succeed] Yeah, I’m going to take a step back

SPR: [Success] I take a rope and throw it on to… something?

I6P: [Fails] I CAN’T HEAR YOU AND CONTINUE STAMPING [Player: why is nobody telling my character?].

DM: NDR, NQEW after hearing a cracking sound, you suddenly find that two of your party members are missing. They have been seemingly replaced by a large hole in the stone on which the I6P was stomping. After a few seconds, you hear a body wearing chainmail hit a stone floor surface. SPR, you are in a hole hanging from a rope. You see I6P about 30 ft below you on the ground, groaning but moving.

The party has now bypassed most of the monsters and we break for pie and beer.

The new entrance is pretty far from the barracks and dining hall, so none of the remaining crew notices. Our heroes breeze through the rest of the dungeon, heading toward the vault. They break into the vault and catch the Captain loading up the box. A squad of skeletons briefly holds the characters up (the SPR, a newer player, notes that a skeleton casting magic missile was “bullshit” and that magic missile in and of itself is “bullshit”.) The NQEW throws a Staff of the Python at the Captain which turns into a giant snake and grapples the poor pirate. This stops the Captain moments before walking through the portal with the artifact. Fuck.

Time to engage the backup plan. The Witch summons a Bearded Devil, which not exactly a spell, per say, but whatever, we’re having fun. The Devil starts kicking ass with the remaining skeletons. Hope is dwindling.

IP6: I drink the potion. The crappy white one.

DM: It tastes like grasshopper butts. However, it functions like a normal health potion, so you get your 2d4+2 hp back.

[everyone waits with bated breath]

Also…. You summon a Unicorn.

Everyone: What?

The Unicorn attacks the devil. I6P fails her intelligence check and forgets that there were two potions, and thus the possibility of two unicorns. SPR saunters over, snatches the potion, and drinks it.

Another unicorn appears and all hell breaks loose. The devil is doomed, trampled to death by the golden hooves of justice. The Captain is still wrestling with the snake, while the NDR and NQEW pelt him with ranged attacks. The SPR runs up and kicks the box away from the Captain. The Witch, somehow now bloodied, casts greater invisibility and leaves via the portal. The Captain is eventually brought low, regardless of his fire breath.

The unicorns challenge the NQEW who succeeds a persuasion check (even speaking the correct language) to avoid getting gored to death by a confused pissed off horse with a horn.

The box is opened to reveal a shriveled hand: The Hand of Xangeon (similar to, but legally distinct from, the Hand of Vecna). Warlock realizes that this is a powerful artifact. The NQEW’s player and I leave to a different room for a sidebar. I note that this is a onetime shot to become incredibly powerful, otherwise the artifact will find someone “more worthy”. Standard sacrifice is needed… the NQEW’s Hand.

The player of the SPR goes to make tea. The player of the NQEW and I return to the table.

NQEW: Do you mind if I borrow your sword I6P?

I6P: Nope. Take it.

NQEW: [Freakishly Casual] I cut off my hand

DM: It hurts. Through the red haze of pain you feel the blade slicing through your muscle, tendons, and bone. Then, the pain is gone. And you see the shriveled hand has grafted itself onto you. You’re probably evil now.

Everyone in Unison: WHAT THE FUCK? [SPR’s Player: What’s happening? I’m still making tea!]

Now Actually Evil Warlock [NAEW]: What’s the big deal?

NAEW cooly leaves and heads back to town while everyone else’s mouths go agape. SPR arrives with tea.

SPR: Why are all of your mouths open? What happened?

[lochrannn]

(apologies OP for what I’m going to do to your wonderful art)

@pepperf​ and I have had thoughts on this and her comment in DMs (sorry for putting you on blast like this XD) was “He looks like he stepped out of one of those 80s movies where the third main character is a robot from outer space or something. he's some kind of sculptor who does metalwork in this little LA suburb, not too bright but very sweet.“

And, well, I have been shouting movie ideas at her in text form for the last 20 minutes, and Pepper thought I should share XD.

This is only barely cleaned up so XD

- idk, the outfit immediately made me think of a bunch of different kurt russel flicks, which would fit your description best

- also, omg, Lila in her outfit and Diego would make for one hell of a great nonsense 80s action movie. Basically Diego is just this guy who does, whatever, art or construction, either works, and then this chick turns up in the alley behind his, yes, warehouse studio/appartment, bloodied and bruised and then that's how he gets dragged into some organised-crime-cyndicate-that-is-actually-some-ancient-organisation-fight and Lila's the chosen one who could destroy them or whatever and now everybody thinks Diego’s aligned with her, and she's trying to keep him safe and though he might not be able to fight with a sword, he can throw a punch and knows how to use a blow torch, or something. Anyway, because it's an 80s film, the sexual tension isn't even subtext it's just there and yet they are still nasty to each other, until they start making out and tearing each other's clothes off, and that's where I stop watching for the plot, so I can't tell you how it ends

Pepper suggested Diego would do some welding to convert his sculptures into something useful for Lila to use in her fight. Which gave me more ideas

- jacket tied around his waist, and eventually he takes the t-shirt off

- Lila's in the process of like, dressing one of the cuts on her arms and then she looks up and he's just fuckin' shirtless and covered in a sheen of sweat cause the blow torch is hot (all the people watching the film are like, this is a health and safety hazard, but I also don't want him to wear more protective clothing) and Lila's just staring, and bad rock music is playing.

- He catches her staring, and Lila has also taken off more clothes than is reasonably necessary to dress a wound on her arm and there's a moment... a MOMENT! but this is not the moment that leads to anything yet, we're just making sure that even the people watching at home who are folding laundry in  another room, understand what's happening here.

So yeah, because we’re both old enough to remember renting physical copies of films, we agreed it would be the sort of nonsense that would have us coming back and reanting it over and over again for a personality defining summer XD

Thanks OP, that apparently ignited something in us XD

• Diego Hargreeves 5/8 of Pinterest Picks Their Outfit Round #2•12.13.21• Lila • Five • Luther • Ben •

[bluejaytaco]

(Something I forgot to mention that happened the session before this. Wreybar wanted to keep the bracelet in her insane little mind. But then Koejin and Art brought up she wouldn’t be able to know the “super special secret” if she was still wearing it. Koejin suggested she pull it off. As the barbarian, it wouldn’t have been a problem. Wreybar did that... and severed her own hand in the process. 

We then ended up texting Vincent to see if he could make a gnome hand for Wreybar... but it’ll be a bit before we get to him...)

Waking up to find out Theodora was gone was an...interesting experience. The first to realize was Koejin so, by the time we all woke up, she was already seething from what happened.

Alabaster was sitting there with the two letters and the great sword. He read out the letter which turned out to be an apology about her leaving and how we are to continue on without her. Koejin doesn’t read her letter to us, so Art has no idea what it says.

Hennessy: Before we decide anything further, I would like to speak with Art about a certain matter.

Art: (Pauses and looks over his shoulder like there’s another “Art” Hennessy’s referring to) Wha... me? Really??

Hennessy: Yes! You!

Art is then pulled off to the side so they can have a little discussion.

Hennessy: Now, I have lost my bracelet so you must fulfill your end. What in the Nine Hells is going on around here?! We have gods acting all crazy and what not!

Art: Okay, I’ll tell you. But before I do I need you to take everything you think about Ticket Master and put it out of your head. I know you two weren’t getting along.

Hennessy:.... Alright. Done.

Art: Okay. So... there’s this god war where there are two sides. The side of Pelor and Bahamut want to clear everything and start with a clean slate. It would be the death of everyone. But then there’s the side that’s fighting to keep it. And that’s the side Ticket Master’s on. He’s basically been fighting the light gods to keep us alive. (glances at his hand) is that about right? Am I missing anything?

Ticket Master: No, you’re doing just fine.

Art: So, that’s what we’re dealing with. The bracelets are Task Master’s so we can’t really speak about this around them.

Ticket Master: It would do you well to get rid of those things sooner rather than later. 

Art: Yeah. And.... we’re gonna have to figure out a way to break him out of whatever god jail he’s currently in.

Hennessy: (Processing this entire situation) A war of the gods.... Well, we wouldn’t want everything to fall apart and disappear, right?

Art: (ready to pass out from relief. He figured Hennessy might consider the side of clean slating the world.) Oh thank god....

Hennessy: But my god! The one who granted me those abilities. Can I no longer trust her?

Ticket Master: Well, the abilities she gave you was a “destruction of evil” so, no.

Hennessy: (sigh) she was so kind too... Thank you, Art. I knew I could trust you not to lie to me.

Art: (confused at that as he’s been caught in so many fucking lies)... (sees Hennessy getting ready to head back to camp) Wait, before we go. Just kinda wanted to apologize for the shit that happened back in the tunnels. I know things were tense and it wouldn’t be the first time you and I had it out-

Hennessy: (waves it off) Water under the bridge. (Art and Hennessy are finally starting to get along.)

(We head back to camp and work on trying to remove the remaining bracelets. There’s only one left on Oskar (He’s a PC that doesn’t come on that often so he’s more of a tagalong in most cases.)

Haida(From Hagapig’s bag:) Hey! I can help!

Art pulls out Haida’s head to face it to Hennessy.

Haida: I have some of Ticket Master’s abilities. If you let me bite at the bracelet, I’ll be able to get it off.

Hennessy: Well, it could be worth a try. Any objections?

(No one objects to the idea. At first.)

Art: (Feels Ticket Master tense at the idea) I object to it.

(It’s then that Hennessy looks at Haida and figures out she’s lying about something. She’s not entirely trustworthy. But back into the bag she goes. Being that there’s no one else who can properly dispel god magic, it leaves Alabaster with the task of removing the bracelet.)

Alabaster: (goes to use his magic)

Pelor: Hello, my boy! Have you converted your daughter to our cause?

Alabaster: Oh! Uhh... It is... a work in progress. But we will get her!

Pelor: Fantastic! Now... just one thing! (suddenly deadly serious) you should leave that bracelet be.

Alabaster:.... but....

Pelor: Do not disobey me.

(Alabaster hears another voice. It’s Cerephim (Technically Art’s god that’s offered to be Alabaster’s if he were to leave Pelor. This offer happened a few sessions back.))

Cerephim: Do it, Alabaster. It’s okay.

Alabaster: (now with two gods arguing like an angel and a devil situation) Um... I... (Feigns pain) Ohhh! Ow! There’s- there’s something wrong!! (Grips Oskar’s wrist and casts the magic. The bracelet loses it’s abilities and falls to the ground) Oh, my goodness! How did that happen?!

Pelor: (not pleased in the least bit) You are on thin ice, my boy. (The voice stops)

Cerephim: (pleased by this) Good job. (His voice also stops)

Art, not used to hearing Alabaster scream in pain: Jesus, are you okay?! What the fuck happened?!

Hagapig(Alabaster’s brother): (having just reunited with his brother and possibly not wanting to see him die) Oh, Alabaster! Are you alright? (near tears)

Alabaster: (suddenly better) Yes, I’m feeling much better now. (winks at Art)

Art, suddenly getting it: (deadpan) Yeah, he just had a bad leg cramp...

Hagapig: (sniffling and looking between the two for a moment before accepting that Alabaster is, in fact, fine)

(Boblin the Goblin had made us breakfast like the sweet little chaos child he is. As we were all eating, Hennessy gives out a speech and picks up Theodora’s sword which, effectively, makes him the leader. No one is impressed by this, but no one else is going to pick up that mantle.)

Art, upon seeing the sword: Right.... we have to return that too...

We all start discussing our next step. We talk about getting the stone back to Thia and how exactly to do that. If we took the train, it would take us around and thus take longer (but, we could stop by Vincent and get Wreybar a hand.) Or, we could take a shorter route by going across the sea via boat. (high risk because it would be putting us passed Macdell; Mrs. Red’s island. Our ship could be shot down, but only Koejin knows that.)

We all settled on taking the faster route. We would stop by Vincent after returning the gem.

Koejin: (sees the path Theodora took and sighs) wait... guys. Dammit... (turns to everyone) Theodora wouldn’t say she needs help because of her god damn pride. But... we should go an help her.

Everyone: (slowly goes over to agreeing)

Art, unsure: But we need to get the gem back to Thia. Isn’t this... something Theodora needs to do on her own?

(Art feels Ticket Master kind of biting at him to get his attention. He brings the hand up to his ear.)

Art: You don’t need to bite to get my attention, you know.

Ticket Master: I didn’t want to speak aloud in front of the bracelets. Either way, Red and Rieta are also in that direction.

Art, suddenly on board because he’s easily manipulated: We have to go after Red.

We start to head up to the city where Clearly Snowball (Alabaster’s sister) is in charge. On the way, Hennessy and Wreybar have a little talk in order to help with her mental stability, something we haven’t done until now. It’s something that should be done way more often as the only other way to help with insanity is to go to Thia (who, at this moment, is on the other side of the world.)

The city is huge with gates that are closed and locked. Standing outside those gates are two guards, watching and letting people in after a bit of scrutiny. Koejin casts her little bubble that makes us all kinda unsuspecting. Important being that Clearly is supposedly a tyrant. 

(Hagapig: Yes, our sister is an insane bitch and yet I am the black sheep because I say “fuck!”

Alabaster: Hagapig!

Art, laughing: You. I like you.)

Hagapig warns us about being found out in the city. We want to avoid Clearly at all cost. But we can all see a sand storm on the edge of the desert where Bahamut is fighting... something. We all know that’s where Theodora would be. So, we all start discussing how to get through the guards.

(Koejin: probably be best for our stealthiest member to go and just let us in.

Me: Guess that would be me. (with all the additions of Koejin’s bubble and my modifier for stealth, I got a 41.) Um, Art’s invisible.)

Art: I got this. (walks up to the gate and unlocks it. Sticks his tongue out at the guards and pushes it open without them noticing.) You guys coming?? Let’s go alreadyyyyy!

Everyone: (walks on through with ease.)

Alabaster: (stops and analyzes one of the guards. He ends up in a conversation with the man after attempting to take a paper from his pocket. Everyone watched tensely as he, once again, feigned a let injury to get away.)

(The paper was a note from his sick son and a reminder not to forget him. We all started shaming Alabaster’s player for this.)

Alabaster’s player: I mean, it’s not like a letter’s gonna make him remember his sick son, right?! He’s a bad dad in that case.

DM: Written at the bottom is a prescription for amnesia pills and a note that says “don’t forget to take your medication!”

Alabaster’s Player: Ohhh fuck you!

(Sidenote: Alabaster is a perfect little cinnamon roll. Alabaster’s player is a lightly burned sinnamon roll.)

We figure out the best route around the city. During this time, Koejin is becoming more and more angry at the whole Theodora situation. It comes to a point where Skelly openly mocks her so she can tear him apart and let out a little bit of steam. (he’s now in Art’s bag.) 

Hagapig then mentions, again, to take methods to avoid Clearly and Koejin blows up on him.

Koejin: You know if you’re such a fucking baby about this, maybe you shouldn’t even be here. Honestly, we already have one of you!

Hagapig:....Well, that’s a little racist.... I’m here... risking my life for this.

Koejin: No one fucking asked you to!

Hagapig starts to get riled up which is drawing a crowd. Art and Alabaster immediately jump to try and calm him down.

Art: She doesn’t mean it. This is how Koejin shows affection! (rolled a 32 (it was a nat 20) for this one. Had to remind everyone that Art’s a bard so his persuasion is obnoxiously high.)

Hagapig is calmer now, but Koejin’s concentration was broken so people are starting to notice us. We end up agreeing we should get moving to keep from attracting too much attention.

Hagapig decides that it might be best if he were to leave due to this. He has no intention of having a faceoff with his sister and warns us again to avoid her. (her estate is built right on the edge of the slums so she can keep an eye on the poor people. It just sounds.... so evil.) Everyone expresses concern for him as he heads off, but he promises he’ll be alright. (He has Haida in a bag after she got into an accident a while back. Haida is now in Alabaster’s bag.)

We finally make it over to the desert. Theodora is at the bottom of the giant magic storm, screaming for Bahamut to give her answers. It’s then that Bahamut shows his face. He looks down sadly at Theodora.

Then Shmoogy (the God of Sand and Memories. Someone who’s been working closely with us) appears from the cloud and slices off Bahamut’s head, effectively killing the god.

(All of us: *stunned silence*

DM: So, yeah! That’s where we end for now.)

((Our DM just really loves his cliffhangers...)))