#also have a huge headache that hasn’t left me for 5 days straight

[butchtaurus]

having a sore throat is one of the worst things about being sick, like a plugged nose is annoying as hell but sore throat makes me 💀

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

NEW FIC!!!

Written for the Carry On Quarantine event organized by @xivz​ for the prompt of food delivery. My thanks to @fight-surrender​ and @basic-banshee​ for the beta reads and support!!

Baz is a teacher quarantined at home and Simon is doing temp work delivering food for The Girl and the Goat, a local pub. A craving for a burger leads to Baz ordering from the pub, followed by weeks of mutual pining, the slow burn of a developing relationship thwarted by the physical constraints of social distancing, and a refrigerator full of pub food. Movie nights, exasperated friends, lots of texts, way too much food, and multiple awkward encounters. 

Let My Love Open the Door

Baz

I close my laptop and drop my head down onto it. I’m knackered. The metal feels cool against my forehead. I roll my face from side to side, relishing the smooth chill of it against my cheeks. And then I remember.

Fuck, now I have to disinfect the damn thing.

I’m done. Done for the day but also so done with this.

How can I be expected to effectively teach students—Sixth Form students at that—from a computer terminal? I’m almost three weeks into this, but their looming A Levels and GSCE’s are still on schedule for May.

That’s less than two months away. Five weeks and three days, to be exact.

Thank fuck it’s Friday. I’ll at least have two days to prepare next week’s frightfully inadequate lesson plan.

I grab a disinfecting wipe from the canister and methodically wipe down my laptop. I’m not sick—not a cough, not a sniffle—but I’ve bought into this not touching my face directive and I shouldn’t be smearing my germs on random surfaces. For all I know I could be carrying this thing. One of the asymptomatic Typhoid Marys, spreading it far and wide.

Not that there’s anyone to spread it to, seeing as I’m on my own here, but I wipe the laptop down anyway, unnerved by the whole idea of it.

I’ve washed my hands more in the past month than I have in my entire life. I spent the first day at home wiping down every surface, laundering the bedding, mopping the floors. My house went from having a pleasant, woodsy scent to the overwhelming stench of bleach instead.

It gave me such a headache that I had to open the windows and damn near froze. Bloody coldest March we’ve had in years. April’s not proving to be much better.

My mobile buzzes. I should have left it in the bedroom but I’ve become painfully attached to it.

If I’m not planning out curriculum, video conferencing with my class, answering frantic emails from parents, students, the other teachers at my school, or compulsively cleaning and reorganizing my house, then I’m moodily scrolling through Twitter and Instagram and ratcheting up my anxiety.

I should delete my social media.

My mobile buzzes again.

I glance at my watch. It’s six o’clock.

Bound to be Wellbelove.

Wellbelove: are you done yet?

Wellbelove: Baz!!

Wellbelove: you can’t still be doing classwork it’s after 5

Wellbelove: BAAAAZZZZ

Me: Give it a rest, Wellbelove. Some of us are actually working from home.

Wellbelove: I am working, you poncy bastard I’m obviously far more efficient than you.

Me: Look, some of us can’t just post our morning exercise routine and somehow have that count as work.

Wellbelove: Why are we friends again? Can you remind me why I put up with this slander from you?

Me: Because of my sparkling wit and undeniable charm.

Wellbelove: more like your fashion sense and propensity to pick up the bill when we eat out. Neither of which are in evidence at the moment so I may have to rethink my devotion to you

Me: Still, I’m indispensable.

Wellbelove: then buy me dinner. what are we watching tonight?

This all started at the end of that first week, when Agatha couldn’t concentrate on the book she was trying to read and I’d reached the pulling-my-hair-out state of lesson planning. She suggested we watch a film together—FaceTiming while our Netflix accounts played in sync.

We’ve done that almost every night since. Dinner and a movie, separately, from a distance.

We spend almost as much time arguing over what to watch as we do watching, but that’s just how we are. I’ve known Agatha Wellbelove since we were toddlers at the same crèche when our parents were at uni. Same primary school, same secondary school.

We drifted apart during our uni years, with Agatha at Brighton for phys Ed and Oxford to read for English Language and Literature for me.  

It was some bizarre twist of fate that we were both hired to teach at the same secondary school in Chilham. She was the last person I expected to see on my orientation day.

We picked up where we left off, latching onto each other as we navigated our first real world experience after uni.

It’s been three years now and I think the past three weeks have been the longest stretch we’ve gone without seeing each other since we moved here.

She’s self-centered, brutally straight-forward, horribly short-tempered, dreadfully impatient, and devastatingly gorgeous.

A perfect match for me if I wasn’t so irrevocably gay.

And if she wasn’t . . . well, categorically uninterested in me in that way is probably the best way to phrase it.

But she’s my best friend and I know it hasn’t been all that long but fuck, I miss her.

Wellbelove: WHAT ARE WE WATCHING BAZ ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION

She’d be kicking me in the shin by now, if she were here. Maybe I don’t miss her quite that much.

Ugh, it’s my night to choose. I don’t know what I want to watch. Something soothing, not one of those action films or plucky sports dramas she likes so much. I actually like Bend it Like Beckham but not those sappy American ones she’s inflicted on me.

I need something familiar. Comforting.

Me: Pride and Prejudice.

Wellbelove: 2005. Kiera Knightley. I will accept no substitutes.

Me: The 1995 version is superior.

Wellbelove: Colin Firth doesn’t look like that anymore Baz. Let it go.

I start to type “Keira Knightley doesn’t either” but fucking hell she does still look the same.

Wellbelove: and you owe me dinner

Me: 2005 AND dinner? You are greedy and demanding, Wellbelove. I’ll agree to Knightley. Make your own dinner.

Wellbelove: I want a burger I’m ordering out since you’re being a berk and won’t send me food

Fuck. I’m craving a burger now too.

I don’t even want to think about cooking anything. I’m so sick of pasta, even though I’ve tried to make it a different way each time, with my dwindling pantry supplies. And much as I love the curry place down the road I can’t eat it every day.

I used to think I could. I used to say I’d be happy eating tikka masala every day for the rest of my life, but I was mistaken.

And no more chippies. I can’t do another chippy.

Me: Who’s delivering burgers? Please tell me you aren’t getting McDonald’s.

Wellbelove: why would I get McDonald’s when I can get a lamb burger from The Girl and The Goat?

Me: they’re not still open?

Wellbelove: of course they’re still open you stupid git.

I don’t know why I hadn’t thought to check. Why I assumed the pubs would close down, when they all have kitchens and food service, just like the chippies and fast food places.

Me: why didn’t you bother telling me, you hag?

Wellbelove: You are a grown man Hunter gatherer type you should be able to forage for your own food

I want one of those burgers. We don’t go there all that often but The Girl and The Goat has some of the best burgers in town. Fucking hell, I’m salivating at the thought of it.

Me: Text when you’ve got dinner and we’ll start the movie

Wellbelove: you’re ordering from The Goat aren’t you you hypocrite and not even paying for mine

I close the messenger app to look up The Girl and The Goat online. I scan the menu and then ring them up.

The warm, cheerful voice on the line assures me the order will be delivered to my door within a half hour. I give my mobile number so the driver can text when he arrives.

“Just be looking for the text, love,” the woman’s warm voice continues. “Simon will leave everything at your door, no need to open up until he’s gone. I know how wary people are these days so we’re trying to make it easy.”

A little over a half hour later my mobile buzzes with a message from an unknown number.

Unknown number: Food’s here!

Unknown number: I’ll ring when it’s on your doorstep

The doorbell chimes and I peek at the doorway video display only to startle at the huge grinning face looming on the screen. I push the audio button.

“Yes?”

“Hullo! I’m Simon. I’ve got your order from The Goat. Lamb burger and chips.” He holds up a gloved hand carrying a bag. “I’ll just leave it right here for you.” I get a brief glimpse of a broad back clad in a brown leather jacket as he bends down, before he’s back to grinning at the camera again. “Thanks for ordering from The Goat. We appreciate the business. If you text me back you’ll get a discount for next time!”

“Text you back what?”

He leans in closer and shrugs. “Whatever.”

He’s got brilliant blue eyes. A scattering of freckles dotted across his face.

“Um, right, ok then. Thanks.”

He waves and then he’s out of sight again.

I move to the front window and twitch aside the blinds to watch him get in a blue car with “The Girl and The Goat” displayed across the door in white lettering.

I wait until the car is long gone before opening the door, gloves on, carrying the parcel of food as if it’s radioactive until I reach the kitchen, where I can dispose of the bag and transfer the food to my own dishes.

It’s likely overkill, I know, but I find being wary and methodical helps calm me.

I settle down in front of the television with my meal and my mobile, ready to message Agatha, when I see the text from the unknown number again.

I’d not say no to a discount. I click on it to text back. What exactly does one text to an attractive delivery man?

I shake my head. He’s just the delivery man, it’s irrelevant if he’s attractive or not.

My finger is still hovering over my mobile. I’m having an existential crisis over what to text a delivery man so I can get a discount on a pub meal. These are the depths that I have sunk to with this self-quarantine.

It would help if he were ordinary looking. It really would.

Me to unknown number: Whatever

I hit send before I think too hard about how unoriginal and trite a response that was.

My mobile pings back a moment later.

Unknown number: 15% percent off the next order. Just say Simon said when you call it in! :)

Read the rest at ao3!!!!!!!!!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590015

[severetimetravelnerd]

Change (ft.G Dragon and Yoo Yeon-Seok)

Part 13

Jiyong doesn’t take too well to being cut out of your life.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

Taglist:

@unabashedturkeytreeslime​

@starlighttaek8​

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast

If there is anyone else who would like to be tagged, you can comment or leave me a message :))

At most, smut is lightly implied in this one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jiyong emerged from his studio a couple of hours after Mino spoke to him, looking insane. His hands were all cut up from throwing and smashing things, his hair was messed up, his eyes were red, clearly from crying and he reeked of alcohol. In an odd contrast, he was barely able to walk straight, but was making his way over to his manager with the most determination he had ever had in his life. He found his manager standing in a corner, talking to Mino. Jiyong stumbled and grabbed his manager, making him turn around in shock. 

“Jiyong? What happened to you?” 

Not paying any attention to his manager’s question, he grabbed his shoulders and shook him. 

“Where is Y/N? Why is she not here yet? Tell me where she is.”

 Jiyong practically screamed out.

 His manager shook him off, absolutely shocked. He hadn’t seen Jiyong this way since he last did drugs. Suddenly, his manager felt a sense of foreboding, mentally begging god not to let him relapse. He was about to try and calm Jiyong down, and break the news to him gently, when Mino scoffed. Jiyong turned towards Mino, and grabbed him by the collar. 

“You know where she is, don’t you?”

 Mino just pushed him off. Screaming and grabbing his collar again, Jiyong, with red eyes and a bloody mouth, asked Mino,

 “You know where she is, don’t you? You sorry piece of shit. Answer me.” 

Mino looked him straight in the eye and without flinching, said, 

“I’m the piece of shit here?” 

Mino laughed and moved back. 

“She resigned to get away from you.”

 Again, Jiyong’s world froze. He couldn’t comprehend it. He didn’t want to comprehend it. Did he drive you away from here? Did you really hate him so much that you left? Jiyong’s hand started shaking. He turned to his manager. 

“Hyung, tell me he’s lying. Tell me she’s just taken a day off. Please hyung.”

 His voice turned pleading. 

“Hyung, please.”

 His manager looked panicky. He recognised these signs. He gently held Jiyong’s shoulder and tried to take him inside a room. Jiyong broke out of his hold. He went up to Mino and grabbed his hand. 

“Mino, I trust you. You wouldn’t lie to me. She hasn’t actually resigned right?”

 He looked up at Mino, crazed, knowing the truth but hoping that Mino would say it wasn’t so anyway. Mino just shook him off with a disgusted glare and walked off. Jiyong had to see you. He had to talk to you. He couldn’t let you go. He couldn’t get your face out of his head. Before his manager could hold him and try and calm him down, he ran. He didn’t know where he was running, but he knew he was running away from something. He didn’t know how, but he knew he had to find you.

 Back at Yeon-Seok’s apartment, you pulled back, suddenly withdrawing from his grasp. He looked a little hurt, but you were too shocked to react any other way. You laughed awkwardly, trying to lighten up the situation.

”You’re kidding me, right? I can’t possibly move in with you.” 

Yeon-Seok grabbed your hand and held it eagerly, looking at you earnestly and said,

 “Why not? It’s a great idea. You don’t have to worry about rent, and that piece of trash won’t know where you live either.” 

 You sighed and rubbed your arm. 

“Oppa, you can’t possibly think that’s a good idea. We’re just starting out in a relationship. If we suddenly start living together, it won’t go well.”

 He pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around your waist.

 “I can think of a hundred worse things than living with you.”

 You moved out of his arms, feeling a little annoyed.

 “Oppa, it’s not a joke.”

 And still with that earnest look in his eyes, he said,

 “I know it’s not. I’m being completely serious here.”

 Pulling you back into his arms, he kissed your forehead. 

“Y/N, I know it’s a big step to take. I know we’re just starting out here. But I think we’ll be fine. I think it’s a good idea. We can do this.” 

He held your hand. 

“Baby, we can do this. See, Jiyong knows where you live.” 

He held you a little tighter when he saw you wince at the mention of his name. 

“He will definitely land up at your place looking for you. He doesn’t know where I live. There’s plenty of place for the two of us here. Also, this would be a good chance for us to get to know each other better.”

 But looking straight at you, he said, 

“But of course, it’s completely your choice. No pressure.” 

You sighed and ran your hands through your hair. 

“I don’t know Oppa. You’re right, but somehow, I just don’t know.” 

He picked you back up, wrapping your legs around him. 

“Hey, take your time to think about it. There’s no hurry princess. Besides,” 

he smirked and nipped at your neck, 

“we were in the middle of something, weren’t we?” 

unbuttoning your shirt as he slowly pushed you onto the bed. 

You woke up the next morning, completely spent, exhausted, but happy. As you looked over at a sleeping Yeon-Seok with his arms wrapped around you, you decided to give it a shot. You knew it was a huge leap to take, but something told you it would all be okay.

------------ 1 Year later-------------------------------

 Jiyong woke up, not knowing where he was. His head was spinning, and he could see that he was wasted because there were at least 5 empty bottles strewn around him. His eyes were red and his voice was hoarse. He knew he was being really careless by leaving joints strewn around like that, but he couldn’t care less. He looked at his phone, wondering why it was covered in blood, only to realise that the blood was from all his cuts. He took out the stickers he had in his pocket, seriously considering putting one on his tongue, before groaning and putting it back in his pocket. He couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t break his promise to you. At this point, all he had left of you were the conversations and old promises you made before things went wrong. He groaned, trying to think through his splitting headache. He squinted his eyes, trying to figure out where he was. As recognition dawned in his eyes, he desperately looked around for a bottle with some alcohol left, so that he could use that to get away from reality. He was at your place again. He had been coming to your place every night for the past one year. When he started to run away, he realised he was running away from reality. He had to see you, but you cut him out of your life completely. You blocked him and changed your number. You deleted all your social media accounts. You deleted your blog on tumblr. You moved. And you got a new job. Mino obviously knew where you were, and was still close to you, but ever since then, he refused to even converse with Jiyong, treating him like he was filth. And you know, that helped Jiyong, because someone was treating him the way he deserved to be treated. But no matter how much Jiyong begged Mino, Mino refused to tell him anything about you. He refused to even deign his countless pleas with a reply, just shooting him disgusted glances every time. And so, Jiyong turned to alcohol. And weed. He would’ve turned to hard drugs as well, but he couldn’t break the promise he made you to not do that ever again. He loved losing himself in alcohol, because while it burned, it distracted him from his own pain. It let him see you in his memories, because when he was sober, it was too painful to think of them. It was the only way he could see you. The only way he could numb the pain. And every single night that he drank, he would turn up at your place. He used to go to your place in the beginning, hoping to somehow find you and apologise, but even when he realised you weren’t going to be there, he continued to go there, because that was all he had left of you. And as he turned to the side of the road, he looked up at the moon, desperately begging the universe for a second chance, before puking his guts out.

You were working the night shift at the spa you had joined. Yeon-Seok was in the middle of filming a drama, and you were texting him, lecturing him about how he should take better care of himself. You were happy with him. It took a while, but slowly, you started to forget Jiyong and devote all your affection towards Yeon-Seok. Yeon-Seok was completely different from Jiyong, and so were your feelings for him. your affection for Jiyong was something quick, something enamouring, something that completely took over you. Your feelings for Yeon-Seok, on the other hand, had to be developed, were long-lasting, and ever present. You were a complete mess after what happened with Jiyong, because it broke you, but Yeon-Seok slowly put you back together. He was the sole reason you hadn’t lost your ability to trust. You finally loved him the same way he loved you. You were smiling at his whiny response begging you to take care of him instead, wanting nothing more than to be on a couch with him at home, cuddling and watching a movie, when you heard a commotion outside. Putting your phone back into your pocket, you headed out, worried because you heard someone screaming for an ambulance. As you walked out, the first thing you saw was not the crowd, but Yeon-Seok, standing there, with flowers in his hands, his expression going from happy to absolutely point-blank terrified. His eyes went from you to the crowd back and forth, and he looked so terribly sad. Following his line of sight, you went to the crowd and peered to see what happened. And as the crowd parted, you saw Jiyong, lying there, covered in cuts, reeking of weed and liquor, on the verge of collapsing. And as his eyes met yours, his eyes widened, and he smiled, thinking that the universe had finally given him another chance. The last thing he saw was you, standing there in shock, before he collapsed.

[lindalevanimamm]

Reality- Chapter 13

Tomorrow is the first RFA party that I organized. I had begun working on it a few weeks ago, it’s going to be a small party. It’s small mostly because the organization hasn’t gotten big yet, so we’re having to make new connections. I’m nervous about it. I worked really hard to get people to come, and planned it all, so I can only hope that it will be a success. Saeyoung has still been on edge about the agency being here, but nothing has happened. There’s been so sign of any of them. I’ve been doing my best to comfort him about it, but he can’t shake the feeling that something is going to happen. From what he’s told me, the agency is not good and they’ve caused him a lot of trauma. I’m trying to prepare for the party tomorrow, by relaxing. 

I’m not good at it, but I’ve got the bath water going and face masks prepared. I turned the water off and threw in a bath bomb and bubbles. I then grabbed a face mask and applied it before getting in the water. It was warm, and nice. I turned on some music and listened. I quickly grew bored. How do girls just chill in a bath for so long? It was relaxing for a whole 5 minutes, but now I’m bored. Thankfully, I heard my phone go off from the other side of the bathroom. I carefully got up, and reached across for it, trying to stay in the bath. I got water absolutely everywhere, but I managed to grab my phone. Thank God this bathroom isn’t huge. I got comfortable and unlocked my phone. 

Saeyoung: heyy are you ready for tomorrow? 

(Y/N): I’m getting ready 

Saeyoung: what does that mean? 

(Y/N): it means I’m trying to relax by taking a bath, but I’m bored already 

Saeyoung: *blushing emoji*

Saeyoung: so I probably shouldn’t hack into your phone to see you? 

(Y/N): I will hurt you and never talk to you again perv

Saeyoung: I’m kidding! 

Saeyoung: you doing a face mask and everything? 

I sighed and took a selfie, making sure only my face showed. I’m not comfortable with that kind of stuff yet, but a selfie sure. 

(Y/N): *selfie*

Saeyoung: aawww my little ghost 

(Y/N): aww my stupid boyfriend who threatens to hack my phone when im in the bath 

Saeyoung: :(

(Y/N): :)

(Y/N): what about you are you ready for tomorrow? 

Saeyoung: im still nervous about the agency...I really thought that was my boss the other week 

(Y/N): but both you and Saeran have looked into it again right? 

Saeyoung: yeah…

(Y/N): and you both found nothing?

Saeeyoung: yes

(Y/N): then there’s nothing to worry about. You all would have found something, you’re both smarter than the agency 

Saeyoung: yeah I guess

(Y/N): well I’m not guessing. I trust you. Nothing is going to happen. You’re the one that organized all of the security for the party, so it’ll be safe. 

Saeyoung: I hope so

Saeyoung: how are you feeling about it? 

(Y/N): I feel like everyone will be safe if that’s what you’re asking? 

Saeyoung: well, yes, but also no. I mean are you nervous about how it’ll go?

(Y/N): Oh, yeah I’m super nervous about it. What if no one even shows up? I put a lot of work in it, and I don’t want it to be a flop 

Saeyoung: well, if no one shows up then I guess the 7 of us will party alone 

(Y/N): yeah…

Saeyoung: I’m sure it won’t be a flop, people will show up 

(Y/N): thanks 

(Y/N): well I’m going to get out of this bath and get ready for bed. Talk to you later? 

Saeyoung: always 

I got out of the bath and put a robe on, before letting the water drain. I took off the face mask and rinsed my face. I looked in the mirror and frowned. I really hope it turns out fine. I hope people come. I brushed my teeth and all that before leaving to go to my bedroom and changing into pajamas. I looked at my phone and noticed everyone was in a chatroom. I got on and talked to them all for a good hour. We talked about tomorrow. Everyone is excited for the party and is sure it’ll be a success. I still don’t know if it will be. I started to get a headache from looking at my phone for so long and thinking about tomorrow. I told everyone to have a goodnight before logging out of the chatroom. I got up and took a few painkillers for my headache before heading to sleep. Before I set my phone on my night stand I noticed Saeyoung had texted me once again. 

Saeyoung: I’ll be there around 2 to pick you up okay? 

Saeyoung: Don’t feel too nervous about tomorrow. Have a good night :)

(Y/N): thanks sae :). Goodnight. 

I woke up with a massive headache. I groaned as I rolled over to check the time. I felt around my nightstand for my phone, but it wasn’t there. I opened my eyes and a wave of panic fell over me. Why am I here? What? I sat up and took in my surroundings. I was in my universe, not Saeyoung’s. I don’t understand, I didn’t go through the portal. What is happening? The party was supposed to be today, what do I do? I don’t have a phone, where is it? I quickly got out of the bed and looked for my phone. I had no luck. I guess only I came back to this universe. I felt a panic attack quickly approaching me. How am I here? Did something happen? Is Saeyoung okay? How do I contact them? What do I do? I curled up and cried. It was the first time I had cried in a while. After about half an hour, I calmed down and started thinking. What do I do first? I don’t have anyone I can call or anything here… the portal! I’ll just go back through the portal to their universe and then I can ask Saeyoung what is happening. I got up and then realized I was still in pajamas. I ran to my kitchen and took more painkillers. I don’t care how bad I feel, I need to get back. I then found some clothes and threw them on before grabbing my keys and leaving. I had left a wallet here with this universe’s currency, so I was able to get on the bus. I sat on the bus and anxiously waited for the stop. The portal was not close. My legs bounced and I worried. I avoided eye contact with people around me. I knew I probably looked like a mess. I somehow am back in this universe, and then I had a panic attack. My head is killing me and I didn’t bother with make up or anything, because I need to find out what’s happening, if everyone is okay. When the bus finally made it to the stop, I jumped up and practically ran to the apartment. I ran inside and to the door, before I remembered I didn’t know how to get in. The main lock was a code. I thought and tried every combination I could. I smiled when I tried my birthday and it unlocked. It somehow unlocked all of the crazy locks on the door. I know Saeyoung isn’t stupid enough to use the same code for each lock, so he must have programmed it to do this for me and this specific code. I opened the door and walked in. My stomach dropped. There used to be a huge portal in the middle of the living room, but now it was everywhere. It looked like someone had come in and smashed it to pieces. Parts of metal were sprinkled throughout the living room. I fell to my knees. Something happened. I can’t fix it. I can’t contact Saeyoung. Just when I was feeling better, this happened. I was hoping I’d come here and just walk back through the portal, but that’s not happening. I broke down completely. I don’t know how long I sat in that living room and sobbed. I was at a loss for what I should do. Eventually, I ran out of tears. My throat was sore, my body felt weak, and my head was pounding harder than it ever had. I feel like I just lost everything. I lost my friends, my new life, and my happiness. I can’t just sit here and give up, there has to be a way to contact Saeyoung again. I got up and left the apartment, there is nothing I can do to fix the portal, I have no idea how it all works. I got back on the bus and headed to my old apartment. Once there, I grabbed some money and left again. 

I headed to the nearest store. I decided to head straight to the electronic section to buy a phone. My best bet at talking to everyone again, started with me getting a phone. I looked through the section and decided on one that wouldn’t destroy my bank account. I then walked through the store and grabbed a few groceries. I didn’t know how long I’d be back, but I’d need food. I need to pick up a few more clothes, and some essentials. I paid and quickly made it back to my apartment. I first decided to eat, because I was starving. I made a quick meal and ate quickly. I pulled out the phone and set it up. Now what? I downloaded the game, and opened it up. I began playing immediately. Nothing. This isn’t them, it’s just the game. What can I do? How can I let Saeyoung know it’s me? I have no idea what to do. I decided it was a long shot, but I went to the internet. I sat and read hundreds of thousands of articles and threads about alternate universes, but none of them helped. I’ll have to trust Saeyoung. He’ll look for me, right? But what if he doesn’t care enough to? He couldn’t like you… Stop. I got up and looked at the time. It was the first time I noticed what day it was. What? It’s Sunday? No, that means...the RFA party already happened. I must have been out for an entire day again when I came back. My whole body hurt, and I was tired of thinking. I have no idea what to do. What can I do? Maybe I’ll try figuring out how to fix the portal...yeah right, it’s not even worth me trying. I’ll never get it. For now I’ll just wait. I’ll stay here and keep playing the game, hoping Saeyoung will find a way. He will. I decided to just sleep for the night. It was still early, only like 6:30, but I was tired. I didn’t want to think any longer. 

Saeyoung’s POV:

After getting ready I left the bunker to go pick up (Y/N). I left early because they hadn’t been answering my messages all morning. Maybe they just slept in, they still have a while until we need to be there. What if they’re sick? I drove as fast as I could to their apartment. Once there I knocked on the door and called out their name. They didn’t reply. (Y/N) had given me a key to use, so I unlocked their door and went in. I looked around and didn’t see them. I went to their bedroom and nothing. I started to get worried. Where is (Y/N)? I then noticed their phone was still on their nightstand. (Y/N) wouldn’t just leave their phone, something is wrong. I checked, and sure enough, they hadn’t read any of my messages. I immediately called Saeran. “Saeran?” 

“Yeah what’s up? I thought you were getting (Y/N)?” Saeran answered. 

“I am, well I was. Something is wrong. (Y/N) isn’t here, and their phone is here. They don’t go anywhere without it. Can you check the cameras?” I asked. 

“Yeah give me a second…” I waited for a response. I bit my lip. Where are you? Are you okay? Did something happen? “Weird…” Saeran mumbled. 

“What’s weird?” I asked. 

“I’m watching now. They got home last night after work it seems, and then nothing. (Y/N) didn’t leave the apartment. From last night until when you got there, no one existed or entered the apartment...you sure (Y/N) isn’t there?” 

“Positive. I checked every room. What happened? Did you check nearby cameras?” I asked, growing more concerned. 

“Yes, just checked the last one. No sign of them… What’s going on? It’s not like (Y/N) to do anything like this, I thought they were happy,” Saeran drifted off. 

“They were. I’m coming back, is something wrong with the portal?” I asked. There was a pause. I could hear Saeran get up from his office to head to the room the portal was in. I heard him stop, and then nothing. “Saeran? What’s going on?” 

“The portal is gone,” he stated. 

“What do you mean the portal is gone?” I asked, practically yelling. 

“It’s just a metal circle, no portal. Something is wrong… I think….I think (Y/N) got sent back to their universe…” I hung up and ran to my car. My mind raced with worry. I have to get back. I don’t know how fast I was going, I’m extremely lucky I wasn’t pulled over is all I know. I ran into the bunker, for once annoyed that the security was so hard to get through. I ran downstairs to the portal. Saeran was there, already sitting with his computer out and running diagnostics. “Find anything?” I asked. He shook his head. 

“No, something is off. It’s almost as if it just stopped working, but that doesn’t make sense… it’s almost like someone covered something up,” he replied. I grabbed a computer and sat down. I pulled up the codes and began to work. He was right, it looked as if it just stopped working, but it wouldn’t do that. I checked the math so many times so this wouldn’t happen. The two of us lost track of time, before we were interrupted by a phone call. I picked up my phone, it was Zen. “Yeah?” I answered. 

“Saeyoung! What’s going on? Why aren’t you and (Y/N) here yet? Guests are going to start coming. Saeran hasn’t gotten here yet either,” Zen began. 

“Listen,” I interrupted. “Don’t freak out, but I think (Y/N) is back in their universe.” 

“What?!” 

“Something is wrong. Sometime between this morning and last night, they got back. The portal is messed up, it’s too clean. Tell Jaehee, Jumin, and Yoosung we won’t be coming. Saeran and I are going to stay back and figure it out. (Y/N) would want you all to continue with the party,” I instructed him. 

“Yeah, uh, okay. I’ll tell them. I hope they’re okay…” he paused. “Yeah okay, call me if you find anything okay?” Zen asked. 

“I will, bye,” I hung up and immediately got back to work. The code is to clean for it to have just stopped working. (Y/N) is probably so confused and angry. I’m sorry. I’m coming. After another hour or so, I found something. A code that was not supposed to be there. It was a virus. Someone hacked into the portal and left a virus. The virus made the portal stop, made (Y/N) go back and then covered it up. It’s a damn smart virus. I informed Saeran and we worked to kill the virus. I then stumbled on a line of code and stopped breathing. “They did this…” I paused. “I knew it wasn’t nothing. The agency is trying to get back at me by sending (Y/N) back.” Saeran looked up.

“The agency did this?” he asked. I nodded. “What do they want?” 

“They want me to work for them again, if I don’t they’re sending people to hurt (Y/N),” I answered. 

“How can they do that if (Y/N) is in their universe?” 

“They stole the code. They can make their own portal. We have to take them down and fast. Get this portal working again, I’m going to look for where the agency is hiding.” Hang on a little longer (Y/N), I’m coming. I don’t want to lose you.

[min-kit]

5 Times They Were Caught and 1 Time They Weren’t (Fear the Walking Dead | Trick | 2/6)

Fandom: Fear the Walking Dead Rating: T Ship: Troy Otto/Nick Clark Chapter: 2 of 6 A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the lovely Inkaley on AO3! Their stories are absolutely magnificent and they’ve been nothing but nice to me!! This chapter is longer than the first and much less fluffy, I hope you enjoy :)  chapters (on ao3): one , two 

Jake rubbed at his temples, trying to sooth the headache that was beginning to form. The case he was working on currently was a bit of a mess, one that involved property and what belong to whom and whom should get what. In fact, it reminded him a bit too much of the ranch for his tastes. It reminded him of Walker’s sly remarks about the land being stolen.

He shook the thought from his head. He was already tired from his current case; no need to bother himself with the accusations that Walker had always thrown around towards his family, most specifically, his father.

What he wanted to do was go home and just… relax for awhile. No noise, no interruptions, just himself and one of his favorite books--as well as maybe a nice cup of hot coffee, or two, or three.

Troy shouldn’t be home. He was rarely home lately, after opting to spend time with his friend, boyfriend, Jake wasn’t sure. The two of them had met… actually, Jake wasn’t sure of that either. Come to think of it, Jake wasn’t really sure of anything when it came to Troy and--what was his name? Nick?

He wasn’t blind, the few times he’d met Nick, the boy, while polite enough, had been a little gazy, his words and sentences making less sense to him than he was sure they made to Nick himself. More than that, the one time he’d seen Nick in something other than a long sleeved shirt or jacket, he’d seen the track marks.

Jake had shot his brother a look the moment he’d seen them, but of course Troy had pointedly ignored him. He couldn’t help but worry about his little brother. He knew Troy wasn’t stupid, he knew he could take care of himself, but still, he worried.

Troy had a hard life. Not to say his own was perfect, but Troy’s had been… something else. Soe days he still thought about the day he’d found Troy in the basement--locked down there for at least a day, having been forgot about by his mother, their father too drunk to even notice.

Troy had been ten, Jake fifteen. Dried tears streaked his face as he curled up in the corner. When Jake had found him, he had said nothing, only looked at Jake before standing and leaving the basement. That was the last time Jake had seen any proof of Troy shedding tears, not even when his mother passed did he cry, at least, not where Jake could notice.

Troy had grown up on the ranch ever since he had been pulled from school “for others’ safety”. Not being around others caused Troy to grow cold, caused him to lack the understanding of most basic human emotions. But that seemed to change the day Troy showed up on his door in LA, announcing he would be staying for awhile. Jake really hadn’t minded the idea of it but he had been shocked in general. Troy loved the ranch more than anything. To think he’d ever willingly leave it… but Jake decided not to ask and Troy didn’t offer up any explanations.

It wasn’t long after he moved himself in that Troy had met Nick and the two were suddenly attached at the hip. Troy acted different and although he’d never been interested in drugs before, he had also never learned to deal with the pressures from a friend. Mostly because he had never really had one, unless he counted Mike and, somehow, Jake didn’t think it was right to count Mike.

Jake just hoped Troy was smart enough to say no i it ever came down to it.

His keys jingled a little as he fought to unlock the door without dropping his books and notes, only to find that the door was… already unlocked? Looking a little warily at the door before figuring that Troy must be home on a rare occasion, he adjusts himself and grabs the knob, heading inside to the small apartment.

He almost wants to turn around and walk straight back the way he came, but he fought the urge. This was his apartment. He wasn’t going to be ushered out like this when all he really wanted to do was sleep. So he sighed softly and shut the door, walking over to the table and dropping his books noisily onto it, watching with slight amusement as Nick scrambled off of Troy and straight onto the ground.

Troy didn’t seem too bothered by the fact his boyfriend (and by the way Nick had been really going at Troy’s face, almost as if he were a zombie trying to eat him, it was definitely boyfriend) had literally just fallen to the ground and instead took the time to wipe at his lips a little and Jake closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath.

Walking in on his brother making out with his boyfriend was honestly something that Jake had never thought he’d have to deal with in his entire life because--as bad as it sounds even to him--who would ever want to date Troy?

Someone who didn’t know him, that’s who.

Even just thinking it to himself, it was really harsh and Jake felt automatically horrible as he looked over, pasting a soft smile onto his face. “Sorry for interrupting--but I did text you, Troy.” And he had. He’d texted Troy letting him know that he was heading home and never got a response. It wasn’t really that much of a surprise that he���d never gotten a reply back. Troy didn’t use his phone all that much, not having much use for it on the ranch where reception really wasn’t the greatest. But it didn’t need to be; come the apocalypse, nobody would be using cell phones anyway, right?

Eventually, Nick had pushed his way up, standing there looking like a deer struck and Jake made no move to say anything. The younger man rubbed his hands along his pants before chuckling and looking between the two of them. “I should go--I’ve got… things.” It was an obvious excuse but Jake hoped those “things” wouldn’t end up involving drugs that he knew Nick did.

Jake just nodded silently, standing at the table. He looked away when Nick moved in to kiss his brother, giving them some sort of privacy for politeness’ sake. He heard his brother give a soft bye (and it was so strange hearing his voice so soft and genuinely, not just because he was trying to achieve something) before Nick was shuffling over to the door.

Nick gave him a little hesitant smile and Jake smiled back. He could almost see the relief on Nick’s face before the boy grabbed his jacket and headed out. And then there was silence. And then it was broken.

“Troy, I think we need to talk about this.” Troy sighed and settled his feet firmly on the ground before pushing himself up with a raised eyebrow, looking like he totally didn’t want to have this talk.

He took in a breath. But he was Troy’s big brother and although Troy and him had their… difficulties at times, he still cared about him and wanted him to be okay.

“I’ve seen the track marks.” Troy is still just kind of silent, looking at Jake as if waiting for him to continue. Jake had honestly expected Troy to say something at that, but when he hadn’t, he was thrown for a little bit of a loop. “Okay--so you are aware then?”

“Of course I am.” The smile Troy gives is one of appeasement, not really meaning nor saying and Jake sighs again before pushing out a chair. His brother looks at it before going and sitting in it and it struck Jake just how much Troy looked like a kid in that moment, staring up at his brother and waiting for a scolding. It was all too similar to things that had actually happened in the past.

“He hasn’t pulled you into this, right?” Jake was relieved when Troy actually looked insulted at the mere suggestion of it.

“No!” There was slight anger written on his face and Jake quickly sat down in the chair in front of him, putting himself on Troy’s level instead of standing above him. The slight movement made Troy’s face stiffen, but he didn’t seem to get any angrier and that make Jake release a breath of relief.

“Hey--I’m just asking, okay? I have to worry. You’re my brother. I worry.” He said this gently and at his words, Troy seemed to relax. He didn’t smile, but Jake could see a slight glimmer in Troy’s eyes that signified he was happy at those words. “So you haven’t done… anything, right?”

There was slight hesitation and then Troy looked away, appearing almost ashamed, and it wasn’t an expression that Jake was used to seeing from his brother.

“Oxy--” Jake took in a breath and straightened his back but Troy quickly continued before he could say anything. “But it was just one time and I hated it and he hasn’t even tried to get me to take anything else and I had asked him. It’s not his fault, he didn’t pressure me or put me up to it.” His words were quick and Jake had a feeling he wasn’t entirely telling the truth, but he let it pass, not wanting to start a huge argument. Fact is, his brother was old enough to take care of himself now. He could make his own choices; he’d been making them for a long time.

“Okay…” he said finally, nodding a little. “I can’t tell you want to do here, Troy. I just want you to be careful, okay? Don’t get too heavily involved. A person like that can be really dangerous, not only literally, but in the end all they care about is drugs. It’s not something you can change. They have to want to change it themselves.”

For a few moments, there wasn’t a reply and Jake worried that he’d made Troy angry again, but his next words were calm and rational. “Nick is the first person to look at me who doesn’t see me as a horrible person. Someone beyond being saved.”

Jake wanted to argue that he didn’t think that of Troy at all, but when he met his eyes, his words died on his lips. Both of them knew he would be lying, at least in part.

“So I think it’s only fair that I give him the same chance that he gave me, right?” Troy didn’t wait for an answer, instead standing and, after grabbing his wallet and phone, left without another word.

He sat there for awhile, just staring at the empty space his brother had left in front of him before giving a smile. Well, who would have thought? Troy Otto actually having healthy thoughts towards another person?

Maybe he had been too quick to judge.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You and Bonham are meeting QR for lunch one day. When you get there, everyone’s there except Kevin. “Where’s Kevin? I thought you were supposed to be picking him up, Rudy.” you ask. Rudy replies with, “He was being a colossal asshole and refused to get in my car so I left him at the school where we were practicing. He can walk here.” How do you, Bonham, Randy, and Drew respond?

Drew: Yeah, I saw it he was one. 

Randy: Maybe he’ll realize what he was taking for granted.

Me: Good, let him walk. It’ll teach him not to be a colassal asshole. 

Bonham is just laughing that Rudy made Kevin walk. 

2. Bonham and Randy are over at your house one day and she says she’s got a headache. You say, “Oh just take a couple of the pills from the bathroom, that’ll clear it up in no time.” She does what you say, but later she’s on the couch with her arm over her eyes.Randy’s sitting next to her, and you ask, “What’s wrong? Did you take a pill?” “Yes, and now I can’t see straight or stand properly.” Kevin pops in and says, “Did you take one from the blue bottle or the orange bottle?” “Orange, why?” “Oh, that makes sense. Those aren’t regular pain pills, those are Percocets leftover from when I broke my wrist. If you took more than one of them you took two doses. You’re probably high.” How do you, Randy, and Bonham respond?

Bonham: If this is being high, I hate it. 

Randy: Oh my god, we should take you to the hospital. You may have overdosed! 

Me: Randy, don’t freak out. I’ll keep an eye on her and if it seems weird we’ll take her, ok?

3. You and Bonham and the boys are walking around a street fair in Seattle when something comes flying out of nowhere and smacks Bonham square in the back of the head. Randy picks it up, and it’s a T-shirt with a cat floating in space on it. Bonham looks it over then says, “This is the coolest thing I’ve ever been hit in the head with!” How do the three of you respond?

Kevin: that’s an awesome shirt. 

Randy: How many times have you been hit in the head? 

Me: Daryl used to toss his sticks at her head. He landed a few good hits. 

4. You’re driving with Bonham and the boys and the guy in the car behind you is riding really close to you. “Jeez, this guy’s riding my ass.” you say. Bonham rolls down her window and yells out, “Hey buddy! If you’re gonna ride my ass you should pull my hair too!” How does the guy respond (if he even heard her), and what do the three of you say?

He doesn’t hear her. 

Me: Bons, do you always have to do that? 

Randy: Jesus. *Grabs her by the pants* Get back in here! Do you have a death wish? 

Kevin *body out with window*: Hey fucker! Get off our ass!

5. You and Kevin go over to Bonham and Randy’s house one day, and when you get there, they’re working on instrumental maintenance. Randy’s re-stringing his Gibson, and Bonham picks up one of them. “This would make a great garrote. Can I have it?” Randy just calmly says, “You may not use my E string as razor wire.” How do you and Kevin respond?

Me: You also may not strangle someone with it. 

Kevin: How the fuck do you two know all this shit? 

Me: We watch Forensic Files on our Girls’ Nights In. 

6. Bonham takes you and the boys on a train ride, and you’re sitting in an open-air car since it’s a nice day. You’re having a fine time until clouds start rolling in. It begins sprinkling a bit, and you’re all still fine, but the rain quickly gets worse before turning to hail. You’re all stuck in that car because there are no other places to go on the packed train. What do the 4 of you do?

Me: Ok, stay away from the open windows. We need to find shelter as best we can. 

I dive under one of the train benches and Bonham, Randy, and Kevin follow. 

7. You get home one day when Bonham and Randy are over and see them attempting to give Kevin’s hand first aid. “What are you guys doing? What happened?” You ask. Bonham says calmly, “Kevin fought a snake for some sweet tarts. He lost.” How do you respond and what do Kevin and Randy say?

Me: Oh my god! Are you ok? It wasn’t poisonous, was it?

Kevin: No, it was a garter snake. I’m fine, honey. 

Randy: Besides showing how stupid he can be sometimes. 

8. After Randy passed, Bonham still managed to stay close friends with Ozzy and Sharon. You’re with her while they’re visiting one day, and while talking, she mistakenly calls Ozzy Dad. How do he and Sharon react and what do you two say?

Sharon: Does that mean I’m your Mum? 

Ozzy: You can call me Dad if you’d like. 

I’ve never met Ozzy or Sharon before but I love both of them so I’m standing there like an idiot. 

Bonham: I’m so sorr--Wait, really? 

9. You and Kevin go on a double lunch date with Randy and Bonham. You sit across from Kevin and next to Randy. An older gentleman is passing by and accidentally trips over Randy’s chair leg and stumbles into Bonham’s chair. He apologizes immediately, looking to Bonham first. “I’m terribly sorry, sir,” he turns to Randy, “and you as well, ma'am.” He thinks Randy is the woman and Bonham is the man. How do the 4 of you respond?

We all kind of sit there dumbfounded before Randy goes, “No problem man.” What makes the guy jump back and realize his mistake which makes him apologize even more. Kevin is trying to hold in a laugh as Bonham glares at him and then hits him in the shoulder. 

10. You are in an interview with QR about how to maintain friendships within bands. At one point, the interviewer asks, “You two are good friends with Bonham, what do you think about her?” Before you can say anything, Kevin says, “She’s our little redneck.” How do you respond and how does everyone answer the question?

Me: Kevin! I love Bons. She’s been my friend for years. Even before I met Kevin. We formed our band together. 

Randy: I love her. But that’s partially because she’s my girlfriend. 

Drew: She’s cool. I like her. 

Rudy: She’s a sweetheart. I love her. 

11. All the members of your band try to be as honest of people as they can. It hasn’t been an issue so far until a magazine article comes out saying you guys “have no class and are just brash and crass.” How do you go about it?

While Bonham and I try to phrase our honestly as politely as possible. Erik, Linus, and Daryl are very crass and brash. So we try to work with them on being softer with their honesty and be extra careful with how the two of us phrase things. 

----------------------

1) After your singer storms out to confront Carlton, Kevin and Randy are waving their hands and telling her no. She grabs his umbrella mid-swing and rips it out of his hand, “Go. Back, Inside. You. Fucking. Asshole.” She turns around and tosses the umbrella into the trashcan so hard it makes Kevin and Randy flinch. Carlton screams, “I’m going to call the police on you!” Your singer screams back, “Go ahead! You’ll get into more trouble for assault because of what you did to my husband and Randy. And I have three witnesses!” She then slams the door as she goes in. What do you, Kevin, and Randy say and what happens next? 

2) You just gave birth to your son Will and Kevin and your singer come to visit you in the hospital. You hand your singer Will and she says to you, “You may have to revive me from dying of cuteness.” She then turns to Kevin and says, “Can we make another one please?” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

3) You’re staying at your singer’s parents’ house over 4th of July. You, Randy, Kevin, and your singer are sitting in her parents’ living room late at night. They’re out for the night and her sister is with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, you hear the loudest boom. It’s so loud it shakes the windows and sounds like a bomb went off. Randy goes, “Fuck! What was that?” Your singer doesn’t look up from her book and says, “Probably my neighbor shooting off cherry bombs or testing one of his huge ten-foot fireworks for his show in a few days.” What do you, Kevin, and Randy say? 

4) Your singer is driving you, her cousin, and Randy around while you’re in Texas. You’re there for a few concerts and her family has been insistent that the whole band and roadies stay in different houses her family owns scatters over San Antonio, Harper, and Houston. Your singer’s cousin answers her phone and is talking to someone she keeps calling ‘Baby.’ You think it’s her boyfriend until she hangs up and your singer asks her, “Why do you call your mom baby? It’s creepy.” What does your singer’s cousin say and how do you and Randy respond?

5) You, your singer, Randy, and Kevin are all drinking, but your singer is super drunk. She looks to Kevin and says, “You know you have my heart. So please don’t break it.” What do you, Randy, and Kevin (who is the least drunk) say? 

6) You and your singer are in the kitchen and she’s holding Roxanne. Randy brings Kevin in, who’s super drunk, and sets him down at the table. Your singer rolls her eyes as she gives you Roxanne, “Kevin, we’ve talked about this.” She turns around to get him a glass of water, and the next thing you know, Kevin’s swinging at her. She ducks the first time, but the second time he connects with her face and she drops the glass of water, which shatters and makes Roxanne cry. How does she react, and what do you and Randy do? 

7) You and Randy have taken your sons to see the new Incredibles movie. As you’re leaving the theater, Jeremy and Will are running ahead talking to each other about how much they liked the film. Randy wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you into him before whispering, “We saw Incredibles 2. Now let’s go make a Jack-Jack.” How do you respond?

8) You, your singer, and Kevin are at the grocery store. She’s pushing Eddie in the stroller since he’s a newborn, and Kevin is carrying two-year-old, Mal. Your singer ends up talking to someone who asks if they named their son after Edward Cullen. After the lady leaves, she goes, “If one more person asks if we named our son after Edward Cullen, I’m going to punch them.” As you’re leaving, a woman from the gossip magazine says, “I heard you named your newborn Edward. Was that after Edward Cullen?” How does your singer respond and what do you and Kevin do?

9) Your singer is home and when you and Kevin get there, you hear Carless Talk by Billy Joel playing. Kevin rolls his eyes, “Why do you always fucking play that?” Your singer glares at him, “Shut up. It reminds me of my dad and I really, really miss him right now.” How do you and Kevin respond?

10) You and your singer are sitting at the kitchen table as Roxanne is showing you her boyfriend from college. Your singer looks at him and says, “I don’t know. He has an air of douchebaggery.” Randy comes in right as she says this and goes, “Kevin had an air of douchebaggery and yet you still dated him.” How do you, your singer, and Roxanne respond?

11) Your singer finally moved her piano out of her parents' house and you, Randy, Kevin, and she are trying to get it onto a moving truck. Her friend, Brit, has come along, who you can’t seem to get rid of, and is directing. “Come on, you can do better than that.” Your singer huffs and goes, “You know, this would go a lot faster Brit if you, grunt, would help us.” “I am helping, fucker. I’m directing.” Kevin pipes up from the other side, “Oh yes, some, grunt, help.” How does Brit respond and what do you, Kevin, Randy, and your singer say?

@osbournebemydaddy   your move Bons :)           

[pea-green]

July’s books!! There’s a whole bunch because I’ve been travelling a lot this month and I get like 80% of my reading done on trains. 

This month: We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire by Jules Grant, The Crime Writer by Jill Dawson, Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, Fair Play by Tove Jansson, and Birdbox by Josh Malerman. 

We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire follows Mancunian lesbian gangster Donna and not to be hyperbolic but I love her and literally everything she says and does is Iconic:

A tragedy forces Donna to take in the book’s other protagonist, her 10-year-old goddaughter Ror, and the scenes where emotionally repressed Donna tries her best to do right by Ror (who thinks the world of her) are easily the best in the book. Women supporting women is a dynamic curiously absent from a lot of wlw books but is 100% present here; the network of northern lesbians, from the mean streets to upper society is wonderful to read. There aren’t many contemporary lesbian-themed books set in the UK, and I loved the style and language - the novel doesn’t use any speech marks which I’ve never seen before but worked perfectly. It’s a dark read, but I really, really recommend this one.

The Crime Writer is essentially Patricia Highsmith RPF. Before I read this book, the only things I knew about PH were 1. she was gay, 2. she wrote Carol, and 3. she was weirdly into snails. All three of those things feature quite heavily in this book, although it’s way, way less whimsical than whatever you’re imagining. Patricia is extremely messed up; all her relationships (with parents, friends and lovers) are in shambles, and while she’s definitely not the most sympathetic protagonist ever written, her slow unravelling is just the right amount of disturbing to be enjoyable. I mean, it’s about a vintage lesbian, I was always going to enjoy it, and there’s praise from Sarah Waters on the back cover - although I wonder if Waters thought certain bits of the plot were extremely similar to The Paying Guests (because I really did). 

I read a friend’s copy of Annie on My Mind years ago and, like a lot of people born in the late 80′s/early 90′s, it was the first LGBT-themed YA book I ever read. I’m really glad I reread it because it’s told retrospectively, and the beginning is more powerful when you know what’s going to happen, and while it’s definitely dated and full of what look like cliches today, the impact it’s had on gay-themed YA books that came after is obvious. It also has one of my all-time favourite scenes which still hits me straight in the heart: 

I went downstairs to Dad’s encyclopedia and looked up HOMOSEXUALITY, but that didn’t tell me much about any of the things I felt. What struck me most, though, was that, in the whole long article, the word “love” wasn’t used even once. That made me mad; it was as if whoever wrote the article didn’t know that gay people actually love each other. The encyclopedia writers ought to talk to me, I thought as I went back to bed; I could tell them something about love. 

I’d also forgotten how sweet the relationship between Liza and Annie is; the life-changing, all-consuming feeling of falling in love for the first time is described perfectly, and I wanted to be cynical about the likelihood of young love like that lasting the ages, but my edition of AOMM had an interview with the author, who is still in a relationship with the girl she fell in love with at high school. Having a much wider reference point for YA lit, I especially appreciated the relationships that Eliza and Annie have with their families (Eliza’s brother especially; why are siblings in lesbian lit always such dicks??), and also I’d like to petition for a book entirely about the amazing lesbian teachers.

Birdbox was recommended by my sister and isn’t gay (bc the only way to get me to read non-gay books is for Gabi to rec them) but I read the whole thing on a ridiculously long train journey and it was a really enjoyable way to pass four hours. It’s a horror/suspense novel set in America 5 years after the sudden appearance of unknown things which, when seen, immediately drive anyone who sets eyes on them to suicide. Society has crumbled and remaining humans live a survivalist existence where they mustn’t ever open their eyes outside of their windowless homes. The execution isn’t on the same level as, say, Stephen King - there were a few really frustrating plotholes and the writing was a little clunky sometimes, but the premise was really interesting and the story gripping enough to read in one sitting.

The Long Way to A Small Angry Planet was recommended by @anormaladdams and I am SO HERE for the socially progressive scifi movement that’s being championed by this and the Imperial Radch series (cute: Ann Leckie is quoted on the cover, calling it “great fun!”). It’s been endlessly likened to a less sexist/racist Firefly, which I think is fair - there is a lot of space-related plot, but all the best scenes are the ragtag band of misfits sharing a spaceship and navigating their relationships with each other. The characters are (nearly) all absolutely lovely, and getting to know them is a joy, but I couldn’t help thinking the narrative jumps around a little too much and might have been an easier read if there had been just two or three POV characters. The book’s a great, fun read in itself (including a wlw relationship! Human/alien relationships aren’t really my bag, but if you like Jenny/Vastra you’ll love this), but there’s a recent sequel in the form of A Closed and Common Orbit which I’ll definitely check out.

I already posted about how my amazing sister got me a signed copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day, but despite being a huge fan of David Sedaris (books and radio), I hadn’t read Talk Pretty before. It’s amazing. I deliberately read it at home rather than on public transport because I figured if it was anything like his other stuff I’d just be cackling away to myself the whole time and it turns out I was absolutely right. Like with his other books, it’s a series of anecdotes which vary from being ridiculously relateable (David being super gay, and also kind of terrible person a lot of the time) to outlandish (I mean, who hasn’t spent 6 months high on crystal meth and living with a man who made a nest out of human hair as an art piece??), but regardless of the subject they’re all brilliant. My favourite - because I used to get dragged along to Gabi’s speech therapy sessions and I suspect why she bought me this particular book - was probably the time he was forced into speech therapy and decided the best way to overcome his lisp was to just avoid the letter S altogether: “plurals presented a considerable problem, but I worked around them as best I could; “rivers”, for example, became either “a river or two” or “many a river”. Possessives were a similar headache, and it was easier to say nothing than to announce that the left-hand and the right-hand glove of Janet had fallen to the floor”.

I picked up Fair Play because it was by Tove Jansson, more famous for The Moomins, and figured that if Ali Smith had written the introduction, it must be gay. It is, but understated doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s a series of vignettes about Mari and Jonna, two artists in their 70′s who live on a tiny Finnish island together. It’s unclear how much of the book is autobiographical, and it’s definitely less cute than, say, Annie on My Mind or other books about girls falling in love for the first time; Mari and Jonna have been together for decades and they argue and compromise and know each other inside out. The theme of Art threads through all of the stories, but I’m a huge philistine and their visions and cerebral discussions didn’t do much for me. (haha they do a lot of sailing about and there are some storms, though, and that definitely did)

[kaithedumbass02]

A Rancid Lesson

[I was originally just gonna upload this on DA, but I'm really happy with the way it turned out, so I'm posting it here] "You f***ing punk! When I catch you I'll make sure that you never f***ing annoy me again!" Deidara yelled angrily, obviously extremely irritated. "That's if you can catch me!" A girl yelled back to him, it is pretty obvious that this is the person who annoyed him. This girl has been irritating him all day, not leaving him alone, bugging him for all sorts of things, she noticed that non of these where getting to him, so she said something that was the worst thing she could have said to him: insulting his art form, it didn't bother him for awhile, but the last thing she said pushed him over the edge (that's for the reader to decide what she said). Back to now, Deidara was looking a bit different than he normally does, his cloak wasn't black with the red cloud patterns, it was a maroon sorta color (not sure if that's the actual color) without those clouds, around the top of the cloak it seems to fold over his shoulders, covering them, there are four, two on the lower part, which are the same color as the cloak, the top part of these are a off white-ish color, a thin strip went down through the center of the cloak, the same off white-ish color, and the inside of the cloak was the same white-ish color as well, he doesn't have he's headband on and his sclerae are black, but that's about the only thing that's changed with his face, and he isn't wearing a shirt underneath the cloak either. They both kept running for what seemed like hours, they are both ninja, but the girl isn't used to running for this long, she eventually started to slow down, but Deidara was still running at a decent speed, he caught up to her, and got in from of her, the girl got surprised that and she didn't watch where she was going, at the last moment Deidara moved from in front of her, he was hiding the tree that they where approaching, since he moved away at the last minute, she ran straight into the tree. He approached her with a sadistic smile on his face "caught ya, now I'm gonna make you pay for what you said to me..." He grabbed her by neck of her shirt and threw her on the ground. "W-what are you gonna do to me?" The girl asked in a absolutely terrified tone, she had heard the rumors about him, saying after a "incident", he's gas had gotten even stronger than before, and not only that, he had developed another incredibly powerful stench. "Heh, well let's just say...the rumors going around are true, you're in for one hell of a time" he took his cloak off, nothing different except for the mouth on his chest, but that was there before any of this happened. The moment he took his cloak off, the girl smelt an absolute horrific stench, a sweaty, musky smell, she at first thought it was coming from his cloak, but she would have smelt it before, she quickly realized that the smell was coming from him, more specifically, his armpits, the smell suggested that he hasn't bathed in a pretty long time. "I can tell by the look on your face that you can smell that wonderful stink...I love it just as much as my gas" he even showed her that he wasn't lying by lifting up his right arm and smelling the sweaty smell, he smiled let out a rather relived sounding sigh. He then placed his hand under his arm and put his arm back down, making a fart sound, he did this about 5 or 6 times "and not do I only love the smell...I also love the sound...but I'll get more into detail later". The girl was disgusted by this, she always thought he was more sophisticated than this, not a disgusting, stinky guy. He smirked as he saw the look of disgust on her face "if you think that's disgusting, you have no idea what you're in for...". He quickly picked the girl of the ground and shoved her face straight into his vile smelling underarm, he once again put his arm down, pinning her and holding her in place with his hand, she felt something licking her head, it was the mouth on his hand, and the hand-mouth let out a large belch, not smelling too bad, but still cringe worthy. After about nearly half an hour of being stuck under his arm with his hand-mouth kept belching the entire time, he let her go, she was both disgusted and stunned, allowing him to put his cloak back on and walk up and sniff her face "mmm...you smell even better now...but I can make it even better". "P-please...n-no more..." She begged him to stop this, but he wasn't going to stop until he made sure she learned her lesson. He sat down in front of her, grabbing her and forcing her to sit up with him, both their faces inches away from each other, Deidara's stomach bubbled a little, the bubbling sound was a indication that he was about to blow from one end, the girl hoped that it was his back end, but it came through his mouth, unleashing a huge, long, and absolutely vile belch, her nose only inches away from him. He smirked and put one of his hands underneath both of their faces, the hand-mouth belched loudly, he sniffed the rotten smell and smiled, obviously enjoying this noxious stink, he then put both of his hands up to the girls ears, since both of his hands have mouths, they both belched loudly once again right into her ears, causing her a real bad headache, he then kissed her, she was extremely shocked and surprised as of why he's kissing her, but when she heard he's stomach rumble, she immediately knew, she tried to push away but he's grip was too strong, he held in a extremely noxious belch as he quickly pulled down the right (or left, I can't remember which side it's on) side of cloak a bit, reveling he's chest-mouth, the moment he put his left hand back to her ear all four mouths let out a massive belch, the ones at her ears gave her a even worse headache, the one from his chest-mouth had a vile stench, and the one from his main mouth lasted so long that it puffed her cheeks out slightly. He let her go from his grip, she gagged violently from both the noxious smell and disgusting taste in her mouth, she would have immediately thrown up if it wasn't for him keeping it down with that huge belch. "What the actual f*** is wrong with you, you f***ing sicko?!" She yelled angrily at him, he just smiled. "You just don't appreciate a great scent when you smell it" he's stomach growled loudly, signaling that he still has a bit of gas left, not a lot though, the girl was too weak to move, he immediately shoved his ass in her face, while not being directly on her face, it was still really close. A short, dry, rather light and high sounding fart came from him, it may have been small, but it made up for it with a noxious smell, his farts are what most people are scared of, because of how pungent and stinky they are. He let out another fart, lasting for about a minute, it was just about identical to the first, just sounding a bit deeper, he smiled and sniffed the air again, enjoying his rancid stench. He felt his stomach rumble again, it was a big one, he could feel it, to make the smell as horrible as possible, he lifted up his cloak, pulled down both his pants and underwear, reveling his completely naked ass, the fart was the most vile smelling thing out of all the noxious odours that the girl had smelt tonight, it lasted for nearly 5 minutes and was wet, thick, extremely smelly, and really deep and loud, not to mention extremely warm as well, it was wet enough to actually feel how damp it was, it was thick as fog, it sounded like growling and loud ripping, and smelt like something had gone bad and left for 100 years. The girl immediately passed out after this, he looked back at her and smiled, he decided to give her one last blast before he left, he sat he's naked ass on her face and ripped a 6 minute long one that was nearly exactly the same as the previous fart, just weaker with every aspect of it, he stood up, pulled up his underwear and pants, looked back at her and smiled "heh, hopefully you learned your lesson about p*ssing me off" he just walked off and acted like nothing happened, leaving the girl stinking of all those noxious odours. END

[theitmom]

How I Lost 28lbs in 5 Months – My Review of Optavia and Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee

This is an update to my review of using Optavia and Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee. I’m sharing my honest opinions of what I’ve experienced and learned over the last almost 5 months about my weight loss journey and hopefully this will help you too. This is completely unbiased, I’m laying it all out.

For the last 6 years I have struggled with weight management. I firmly believe this has been due to breast implant illness, but that's a whole different story. Today, I wanted to share what's worked and what hasn't worked for me in losing and keeping the weight off. I'm not sharing any links in this post, because I'm not affiliated with or getting paid to share this info, however, feel free to email or DM me with any questions or advice you have.

I’ve tried keto, portion control, Intermittent Fasting with keto and they were only short term losses FOR ME. That’s not to say these don’t work, they absolutely work if you have the experience and knowledge to follow this program CORRECTLY AND have the time to prepare meals and cook. As a busy mom of four, I do NOT have time for any of these let alone working out.

I was desperate to lose weight…42lbs to be exact. It wasn’t for vanity, although, it did help me gain confidence knowing that my clothes fit better. Nah, it was for health reasons. I have several autoimmune diseases that I needed to tame from “flaring up” and my doctor said it was necessary for me to lose a lot of weight. My start weight was 162lbs at 5'3″.

I was able to lose 20lbs in my first 4 months of starting the Optavia program. The first 4 days were difficult because you needed to follow their plan, and when you've lived years with all sorts of experimenting plans or not having a plan at all – the change is shocking. It also helped me detox which caused a horrible headache, but was good after taking Ibuprofen. The plan was to drink 16oz of water upon rising, then eating your first Optavia fueling within one hour (preferably 30 minutes). Then, you had to eat 4 more fuelings every 2.5 to 3 hours and at dinner time it was what they called a Lean and Green meal (pretty much a chicken salad or some of the approved Trader Joe's frozen foods). You also MUST drink between 60 – 100 ounces of water each day (for fat burn purposes).

Here was my schedule: 6:30am – Wake up and drink 16.9 ounces of water that I laid out on the night stand to drink as soon as I got up 7:00am – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 10:00am – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 1:00pm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 4:00pm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 6:30pm – Eat Lean and Green Meal that I make myself (it ends up being a grilled chicken salad or ground beef salad or protein w/ salad) with 8 ounces of sparkling water (instead of drinking soda) 7:30pm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling as my dessert with 16.9 ounces of water

Total Water Intake: 109.4 ounces

I did this everyday for 4 months straight and lost 20 lbs total (averaging about 5 lbs per month). It also got rid of my inflammation on my face and body and gave me a TON of energy! I felt like I was on top of the world!

Does it work? YES! And it sets your brain and body up for a consistent routine of healthy habits that it had forgotten about all those years. And each Fueling is filled with vitamins and nutrients that your body needs to transform, which is how it helps you to keep the weight off. I also loved that there was a Facebook group of others in the program and can relate and share tips, ideas, and recipes. And Optavia even has tons of Pinterest pins of Lean and Green recipes that can help add some fun to your daily dinner routine. The other plus is having a Coach that walks you thru the process, hops on a call with you each week to help you stay accountable, and helps you answer any questions you have. They also provided books on gaining healthy habits and weekly Conference Calls. Oh! And there's a Customer Service email and phone number you can call with any questions pertaining to what certain foods are approved to eat during the program.

But here are the cons of being on the Optavia program…

1. It's very expensive — $375 to $450 PER MONTH. You need to purchase 20-22 boxes of Fuelings with Optavia to be able to accomplish 5 fuelings per day. I was desperate for change and had the extra money to spend to lose the weight, so I paid it and it has been worth every penny. But unfortunately, not everyone can or is willing to spend this much.

I will say, when you compare this program to Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem, it's way less expensive and worked the best out of all of them in losing the most amount of weight. But for someone who cooks at home and doesn't buy meal prep meals each week — it might be hard to swallow. I guess you have to ask yourself how badly you want to change and lose the weight knowing the program is super easy to do as long as you follow it.

2. Some of the fuelings taste bland and not very good, and some have an acquired taste that you eventually get used to. Everybody has different tastes too. For example, some of the Fuelings I thought tasted yummy, my sister-in-law couldn't stomach. I guess to each their own, right?! Haha!

3. You must follow the program to a ‘T' to get your body into the “fat burn” stage. The moment you eat off plan or outside of the approved Lean and Green foods, your body gets off fat burn and you don't lose as much weight or plateau. Also, it will take at least 3 days for your body to get back into “fat burn” stage after not following the plan. This truly takes commitment and resistance to bad foods. It's not easy, but it's also not hard.

Over the last month, I decided to become a rebel. This is now month 5 (the whole month of September). I decided to try Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee because everybody swore by it working with weight loss. So every morning I drank Valentus (Bulletproof Coffee style with Collagen Peptide Powder and Ghee Butter from Trader Joe's). I also did Intermittent Fasting and ate my Optavia Fuelings during a set time window.

Here's what THAT schedule looked like…

6:30am – Wake up and drink 16.9 ounces of water that I laid out on the night stand to drink as soon as I got up 7:00am – Drink 8 ounces of Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee with 1 Tbsp Collagen Peptide Powder and 1 Tbsp Ghee Butter 7:00am – 12:00pm: INTERMITTENT FASTING 12:00ppm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 3:00pm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling with 16.9 ounces of water 6:00pm – Eat Lean and Green Meal that I make myself (it ends up being a grilled chicken salad or ground beef salad or protein w/ salad) with 8 ounces of sparkling water (instead of drinking soda) 8:00pm – Eat 1 Optavia Fueling as my dessert with 16.9 ounces of water

Total Water Intake: 75.6 ounces

In the 30 days I followed this revised plan, I was able to eat less fuelings (which saved me SOME money, not a lot, but some) and I lost MORE weight than I did with Optavia (8lbs!!!). I should also reiterate that the Optavia plan truly helped me to kick bad eating habits and followed a consistent amount of calories to portion control once I sort of switched up the program.

I don't think you should try this on your own right off the bat, especially if you have the tendency to yo-yo diet and have a history of poor eating habits. I say this because Valentus is meant to help curb your appetite, give you energy and give you focus. It eliminates cravings! But once you stop drinking the coffee and if you don't have a solid foundation in place to keep the weight off, you will gain all the weight back.

At the same time, if you're on a budget (one tub of Valentus Coffee lasts one month and is $60 or $67 with shipping) and desperately want to lose weight and want to meal plan on your own – Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee definitely works when incorporated with a low calorie/portion controlled diet and exercise.

I probably could have lost more weight if I also incorporated exercise. Unfortunately, I have been dealing with chronic pain and debilitating fatigue due to breast implant illness and haven't been able to workout, but after surgery, I will definitely work on getting back into shape!

The photo featured in this post was me back in early September 2019 at a size 4 in bottoms! My original size upon starting the Optavia program was a size 12-14. 7 weeks have now passed since I switched and I've actually lost more weight since this photo at a whopping 28lbs!!! *HIGH FIVE!*

I have also transitioned completely off of Optavia for almost 4 weeks now, which saves me over $300. I plan to continue using Valentus Coffee until I reach my weight loss goals, which is only 14lbs left! YAY!

Also, I love Valentus Coffee so much that I am seriously considering selling it through my store. You all know my stance on direct marketing and MLM companies, right? I don't want to do most of them even if they have great products because I do not like many of their marketing tactics and they always end up rubbing me the wrong way with their salesy adding into their Facebook groups without permission or inbox messaging as soon as they friend request me (even though they don't know me) asking to buy or join their program. But Valentus is different, they're only 5 years old and they have not pushed, pressured or rubbed me the wrong way at all. Huge brownie points for that, Valentus! I believe in it so much and have seen my own amazing results just in the last month that I want to be able to offer it up for others to buy too, since you can only buy through a Distributor. But I'll worry about that after my explant surgery!

Hope you enjoyed my review – please comment below on what has worked for you with your weight loss management.

The post How I Lost 28lbs in 5 Months – My Review of Optavia and Valentus SlimROAST Optimum Coffee appeared first on The It Mom®.

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[monkeyland-blog1]

P5

    Tiger lived nearby, in a block of flats just like Monkey. Also this one was older and smaller: only two floors and eight flats.

    Nevertheless, Tiger’s neighbors are quite peculiar. 5 of the 8 flats are occupied by his relatives: 1) Tiger’s least favourite teacher Svetlana Ivanovna Pryn’ko; 2) Tiger’s worst enemy and in addition classmate – Belobrys Misha; 3) Tiger’s classmate Crasavchick Potzeluev, who is funny though sometimes bothersome; 4) Duck Carasenko, Monkey’s classmate and the best pupil of the class, who is much more bothersome than Crasavchick just because he is crazy about school, different morals and rules, in fact, he is a real monophan, a word the animals use referring to cons; 5) Piter Petegru, who is, to say the truth, the most adequate of Tiger’s wide circle of neighbor acquaintances, despite of being his classmate and a good pupil. But at that moment, Tiger was thinking about his daily adventures, Teletub and Etibeti – a computer game popular among Monkey’s friends. He was just going to come home and rest a bit, and then play online with Monkey. But when he stepped into the entrance, full of different and in a lot of ways not very pleasant acquaintances, he nearly ran into one of them. There was still no light on the first floor so Tiger nearly bumped into Crasavchick, who was sitting on the stairs. ‘Watch your step, my dear fellow,’ – the red-eared dog said in a calm voice. ‘I’m very sorry.. By the way, why didn’t you turn on the lights, it’s really dark here,’ – answered Tiger, groping for the switch . With the light Tiger’s surprise grew to a very high level. He could now see Crasavchick clearly and his dear classmate wasn’t simply spitting on the ceiling: he was holding a big tasty pancake in his front paws and eating it. ‘What’s the hell are you doing here?’ – were Tiger’s words. ‘Eating,’ – said Crasavchick even more calmly then the first time. ‘Did the sudden light make you blind for a moment?’ – he continued in his usual cheer energetic voice. ‘Happens sometimes, no doubt. Your eyes should have used to it and now you can see that I’m eating, that’s all. Nothing’s strange, isn’t it?’

    Tiger hesitated for his has known Crasavchick for a long time, just since the moment when the red-eared dog arrived in Monkeyland with his family. They came from Dogland and settled in a flat right beneath Tiger’s. Crasavchick’s best friend is Slavick Mamaev – a guy from Tripoli, who comes to Monkeyland-town time from time (especially on holidays). He got along with Crasavchick because their families are very close to each other and the two animals used to spend a lot of time together in childhood (Slavick used to live in Monkeyland then, too), played different games, did a lot of interesting stuff. All in all, Crasavchick and Slavick grew up together. Now they don’t see each other every day though they go to the same football session (Crasavchick and Slavick are crazy about this game: they both play pretty well, watch football on TV and go to football matches). Seemingly, in this case distance only strengthens their friendship.  

  Crasavchick’s second best friend is Motia Begemotov – his classmate, who is also keen on football and other sports. More than that, Crasavchick isn’t a conflict person at all: he can easily communicate with both Monkey and her fellows and with Misha-Kostia duet. He can even get in touch with the bears like Belobrys, Dracosha, Lupoglazyi and Bobrov, who have very peculiar characters (Belobrys in the biggest measure, Lupoglazyi – in the least).

  But Crasavchick is a great joker – he likes playing tricks and making fun of his friends. Hiding different things from behind your nose, making trips to his enemies in the corridor, trolling different animals in the Internet, blowing up detonators in front of Duck and Rabbit – that’s his jam(However, he never does anybody a really bad turn)

   And for that reason Tiger knew that Crasavchick wasn’t sitting there on the second stair and eating pancakes without any purpose. It was surely part of a joke. Of course, having a brief snack on the way home or out is normal, but sitting and eating in the rather cold entrance on a winter evening… very strange! Moreover, there was a plate covered with a big amount of fresh greasy stains on the second stair beside Crasavchick. So, there were a lot of pancakes so Crasavchick should have eaten them (in that case he’ll be sick in an hour or two) or…

  ‘Never mind!’ –thought Tiger. ‘What funny thing could he do with those rich pancakes? Maybe, it’s not even a joke. A normal person wouldn’t have been eating in the entrance when you can eat at home, with comfort, watching your favourite TV show. But Crasavchick isn’t that normal. And he could have been trying to draw somebody’s attention, by the way.’

  So, Tiger decided that his thoughts were useless, said ‘nothing’s strange’, stepped over the first two stairs occupied by his classmate and went up to his flat. To his surprise, Crasavchick finished the pancake at one gulp and hurried to leave. That abrupt hurrying made Tiger doubt that there was no connection between the pancakes and Crasavchick’s usual tricks. There was no evidence of a joke on the first floor, though. Well, the number of the fourth flat, where Belobrys leaves, was missing but there’s nothing strange in that indeed: (Teletub knocked it down when he was drunk and angry with Belobrys for some reason. Belobrys’ mother was thereafter angry with Misha and knocked him down the stairs. As a result, Misha knocked his head and had a headache for some time).

   But then Tiger reached the landing between the floors, where a quick glance through the entrance window made him stop. Crasavchick was already standing in the yard, right under a shining lantern. He was grinning. His smile became even wider when Crasavchick saw Tiger in the window. He held out the empty plate with greasy spots in front of the chest (just like a chef presenting a delicious meal).

 Now Tiger was sure that there was a trick. He turned around and made his way up to the second floor. Just then he understood what kind of joke it was. A huge fat pancake was hanging on the metal handle of Svetlana Ivanovna’s door right in front of his nose!  And another one (maybe not so big) on the Duck’s door handle on the right. Tiger slowly turned his head to the left – another two fat pancakes on the handles of his own and his neighbour’s wooden doors! Tiger’s anger returned. ‘I’m fed up with Crasavchick and his stupid jokes!’ – he thought running back to the window. The white-haired dog with red ears was no longer in the yard, which was obvious.

 ‘Oh, dawn him!’ – Tiger thought and went to his door again. ‘Not a big deal!’ He picked the pancake, which was still warm, and without much hesitation ate it. He was hungry after the daily adventures and pancake was very tasty so Tiger’s mood changed for the good. ‘Whoever cooked it, it’s delicious! I must admit,’ – he thought. And as the pancake warmed his throat and chest, Tiger’s spirits grew even higher for he imagined Svetlana Ivanovna or Duck’s mother (she is Svetka’s best freudin so it doesn’t really mater!) finding the pancakes on their door handles. ‘They won’t like it, of course!’ – thought Tiger. ‘And of course they would be both angry and surprised! It’s going to be a great scene!’ He was not angry with Crasavchick anymore. ‘Maybe this joke was intended to make fun of Svetka and Duck, those bothersome animals, not me’ – Tiger wondered but then some movement behind Duck’s door made him stop dreaming. Somebody (Duck or his relatives) was coming out! He didn’t want to meet that somebody because his handle had no more pancakes on it while the other ones had. It would certainly be fishy so Tiger quickly rushed into his flat. However, he closed the door with a bang, definitely too loud for the one, who wanted to avoid any suspicions.

   At that same moment Duck’s front door opened and Tiger heard Monkey’s classmate himself first clearing his voice ‘Criakkk-kkararak’ and then say: ‘Mother, there is a pancake on our door handle.. and one on Svetlana Ivanovna’s handle.. and another one on Mr Perov’s!’ (not Mr Perov - the school caretaker, only his remote relative)

  ‘Oh my dear!’ – it was Duck’s mother already. She came into the entrance, too. Just after that Duck ruined Tiger hopes of not to be suspected in one phrase. ‘I heard Tiger Super’s door close with a bang before I opened our door and his door handle hasn’t got any pancakes on it so I think it was his, definitely not very clever joke!’

  ‘Let us see!’ – said Duck’s mother and Tiger heard her footsteps coming in the direction of his door. She pressed on the bell, babbling something like ‘.. if he thinks that it’s funny..’ and ‘..I’ll show him!’

  ‘Oh no!’ –thought Tiger. ‘Damn that stupid Duckling!’ But he had nothing to do, so he opened the door and before Duck’s mother could start her attack, said ‘Good afternoon!’ loudly, but politely as well. Tiger’s polite strategy prevented Duck’s mother from a straight attack (for a very tiny moment he thought that she was in a loss for words) but in an instant she continued in the second pace. ‘There is a pancake on every door handle of our flat block except yours! If you think that is funny…’

  ‘I know it sucks,’ – Tiger said, trying to be polite. However, he made a mistake. In fact, using the word ‘suck’ was not considered as good manners by both Duck and his mother. ‘Tell him not to use such bad words, Mum!’ – cried the youngest member of Carasenko family for he was really angry with anybody using slang language or swearing. Indeed, it was the sort of bad behavior that drove Duck mad.

  ‘Do not speak to me like..’ – Duck’s mother was also angry. ‘I myself also had a pancake on my handle!’ – it was Tiger’s last chance to get away from them and these words stopped the Duck’s rage. ‘And where is it?’ – asked Duck, who seemed more curious than angry now. There was a note of mistrust in his high voice though.

  ‘I ate it,’ –answered Tiger. He tried not to but he did sound a bit proudly.

  ‘Oh, I don’t believe you!’ – cried Duck, coming closer to Tiger. He moved step by step with his tiny red feet in the same-coloured boots and continued: ‘You have a lot of misdeeds at school, Super Tiger, I definitely know it. You fight, use unappropriated words in your speech, break the rules and act not good at all! You surely wanted to play a trick on me or Svetlana Ivanovna! Why did you hide when I came from the flat? Why..’

  ‘I even suppose I know who did this trick,’ – Tiger interrupted him.

  ‘And who it was?’ – asked Duck’s mother, a little stupidly she sounded, while her son tried to recover from this sudden interruption.

  ‘Someone from the first floor! They haven’t got pancakes on their handles, you see?!’ - Tiger sounded aggressive now. And just after Duck jumped a few steps down to check this information and then returned, nodding approvingly, he continued his speech. ‘I think that was Belobrys, although I don’t know exactly,’ – he lied. ‘The bear has been really nasty lately!’

  'You say so only because you don’t get along with Belobrys Misha,’ – said Duck thoughtfully. ‘Though if it was somebody from the first floor… I think it was more likely Crasavchick’s joke than yours. Potzeluev is famous for such things and he often gets punishment for his tricks at school. No doubt, he deserves this punishment!’ Duck’s mother might have heard this stuff about Crasavchisk several times because Duck likes to report her about everything happening at school. However, she said nothing and completely believed her son.

  ‘Maybe Crasavchick,’ – said Tiger, finally relieved and amazed by Duck’s deduction. He also decided that it was time to get away, while the Ducks were hesitating, and made a short speech: ‘Maybe it was Crasavchick, maybe Belobrys! I don’t know! I was very angry and disappointed to discover a fat pancake on my door handle! And I was even more angry and disappointed by you for suspecting and accusing me on such sort of crime! Now… I want to be alone!’ – and he shut the door just before Duck or his mother could consider an acceptable reply.

  The door was closed and Tiger laughed a bit for his was out of this stuff and wanted to go to the kitchen. But then he heard Duck whispering something to his mother. ‘Super’s behavior was defiant’ – Duck’s voice was high enough for Tiger to make out the words. ’..must be punished!’ Mother-Duck responded quietly but then she said loudly to the closed door: ‘I’ll have a talk with your mother lately!’

  ‘Damn!’ – Tiger swore and kicked the clothes peg hard so that it nearly fell down. The poor animal had nothing to do so he just put the peg back on its place, took off his wet boots and clothes, hung then on some ropes on the kitchen to dry and went to the living room. There he fell into the cozy armchair and turned on the music – his favourite Woodlock songs.

“Call her back and call myself a freak

Bend the rules so I can show her home

Shave my head and change the way I think of

The way I feel

The way I feel

The way I feel”

… came from his mobile while Tiger tried to relax and calm down at last.

  At that same time, Monkey was also at home, washing the dishes. And although it’s not a very pleasant activity and she regretted about a thousand times that they hadn’t had a dishwasher at Grandpa’s place (to say the truth, washing up with a dishwasher is boring, too), she was in a very good mood because it was only the beginning of the holidays.  

THE END OF THE FIRST CHAPTER