#also happens

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #27: STAR STRUCK!

December, 1987

I don’t know but give me a rainy rooftop and a gun and I’ll shoot whichever one doesn’t suggest I shoot them both.

It tends to work!

Anyway. Last time on West Coast Avengers, the thrilling spinoff: stuff. Stuff happened.

A lot of stuff. Stuff just keeps happening forever. I just realized that the Master Pandemonium plot thread is just flapping in the breeze. But it was never a timely plot point.

Anyway, the most immediate last time, in the previous issue Zodiac killed Zodiac and took over as Zodiac. Since I don’t have any affection for either Zodiac, I’m mostly annoyed they didn’t kill each other off. But now there’s a team of Zodiac-themed robots, led by the robot duplicate of Nick Fury’s brother and they’re all doing Zodiac-themed crimes like they’re Batman villains.

Taurus of the not-robot Zodiac has teamed up with the Avengers to fight the robot Zodiac and is using his Zodiac special interest to figure out where the Zodiac robots will strike next.

During an interrupted robbery of a cattle auction, Hawkeye accidentally shot and “killed” the Sagittarius Zodiac robot.

Robot Zodiac leader Scorpio has decided that his team of Life Model Decoys will finally look like specific people and makes a new Sagittarius robot that looks like Hawkeye.

And as Hawkeye casually strolls down the road after watching Wonder Man’s movie for the fifth time, he’s being stalked by the entire Zodiac team as they wait to ambush him.

I want to mock him for this but it turns out Zodiac sucks at ambushing. They all jump out like its a surprise party and introduce themselves. Instead of just cold cocking him.

Scorpio: “Good evening, Avenger! The sign of Scorpio is just setting in the west -- a fit time for you to confront me!”

Hawkeye: “You I’ll be glad to confront, Scorp! It’s all the other androids I can do without!”

Scorpio: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t! When I weild the Zodiac Key, all twelve signs are represented!”

And then, because he’s holding it above his head dramatically, Hawkeye shoots it out of his hands and quips “Then don’t wield it! That’s why they made me Avengers chairman, pumpkin-face! I’m good at solvin’ problems!”

Taurus (the LMD) tells Hawkeye that Sagittariuses are always upbeat but she and Aries are gonna kick his ass and hold up, Hawkeye confirms that he is a Sagittarius. WHY. He’s an archer so he was born under the archery sign? Fuck you.

Also, apparently either the Zodiac LMDs also suck at fighting or there’s some conservation of ninjutsu going on here.

Hawkeye, by himself, embarrasses Zodiac.

He catches Taurus and Aries with a net arrow. When Gemini, Pisces, and Aquarius try to flank him, Hawkeye shoots the electrical cord on Aquarius’ electrical gun and electrocutes Pisces’ mist while the three LMDs are in it.

Hawkeye seriously takes out about half of Zodiac before they bring out someone who is a match for him.

Him.

Hawkeye and Sagittarius then engage in perfectly symmetrical violence. Hawkeye’s every arrow - even the gimmick arrows - are perfectly countered by Sagittarius.

Hawkeye: “Even sounds like me! But I’m still the real McCoy! I’ve got my experience!”

Sagittarius: “We’ve both got your experience, thanks to the Zodiac Key!”

Hey. That’s cheating.

But does explain why he’s perfectly countering Hawkeye.

Anyway, the eternal struggle of Hawkeye versus Hawkeye Player 2 could go on forever or at least until Hawkeye wears himself out. But Scorpio blasts Hawkeye from behind with the Zodiac Key and knocks him out.

Leo asks why he didn’t do that sooner but Scorpio explains he wanted to see the new Sagittarius in action. Probably to make sure he could convincingly measure up to Hawkeye.

Sagittarius the Hawkeye LMD starts his infiltration by crashing Hawkeye’s sky-cycle outside the West Coast Avengers Compound.

Everyone rushes out to see if he’s okay and criticize him a little when his excuse is that the sky-cycle ran out of gas. But Wonder Man picks up the sky-cycle to carry it inside and everyone walks Sagittarius in.

And just like that, he’s inside the Avengers’ security. I guesss the defenses would have detected him if he tried to come in by himself.

Sagittarius is surprised to find Taurus the not-LMD hanging out with the Avengers and more surprised when Taurus starts explaining to who he thinks is the team leader that he based on Venus squaring Saturn on a Friday, that the Zodiac will try to rob the Denver Mint.

Sagittarius Hawkeye excuses himself so he can flip open his wrist and report Taurus’ involvement to Scorpio.

Sagittarius Hawkeye’s excuse is that he’s shaken up from the crash and wants to lie down. Mockingbird offers him a massage but he tells her “I’d rather be alone!”

BECAUSE: a massage would give away his LMD nature since he doesn’t feel like meat.

I feel like this is a shitty design flaw for something that’s supposed to be a Life Model Decoy. A decoy that you can’t touch still has its uses but c’mon.

Tigra notices that Hawkeye is walking the wrong direction if he’s going to his own bungalow. But she shrugs it off.

Anyway, Mockingbird gets upset because Hawkeye has never turned down one of her massages. She drags Hank Pym off to his lab and asks him to use his SCIENCE powers to hack into Nick Fury’s private frequency.

Hank is like ‘well geez they’re a security agency and are bound to have tough security but also yeah give me a bit.’

Mockingbird gets Hank to give her privacy and whoops, when she calls Nick Fury’s private number, she gets him right when he’s in the shower.

Maybe don’t have a vidscreen pointed right at the shower, dude.

Also, he smokes in the shower. Is that normal or is he a maniac?

Anyway, Nick isn’t thrilled that a) anyone called him when he was in the shower and b) that Mockingbird is the caller. But after being ghosted by him so much, she’s in no mood and demands he solve her problems for her.

When Mockingbird says that only Nick Fury Advice can help her now, dude does agree to give her five minutes.

Mockingbird considerately uses the first part of her five minutes to ask if he’s having trouble with Zodiac too but no. His problems are unrelated. Maybe.

Mockingbird: “Here’s the situation -- I let a criminal die when I could have saved him, and I didn’t tell my husband because Avengers have a code of fair play! More than that, I lied to Clint about it! I’ve never lied to him before, and I think he senses that I’m lying now -- and I don’t know what to do!”

Nick Fury: “Lissen, Barton -- this is a bizness o’ lies -- but I’ve never been comfortable with that! Gimme a foxhole an’ the Howling Commandos any time! My advice, fer what it’s worth, is tell the guy the truth, an’ quit poisonin’ the atmosphere!”

Mockingbird admits that this was the advice she didn’t know she wanted until she got it.

She offers once again to help Nick with his SHIELD problems and once again he tells her no.

Mockingbird: “You know, Nick Fury, you’re not as tough as you pretend to be!”

Nick Fury: “I told ya, this is a bizness o’ lies! Now get off the line so’s I can get the code changed!”

Meanwhile, in Zodiac’s secret base, Zodiac discusses the news that human Taurus is guiding the Avengers.

LMD Taurus and some of the others criticize Scorpio for letting Taurus get away in the first place. Leo goes as far as suggesting maybe new leadership is needed.

But Scorpio tells him he has the key, so he makes the rules. He brought them into the world etc etc.

So what to do about the fact that their plans have been predicted. Going where expected is dumb but not going tips the Avengers off that Zodiac knows about human Taurus.

And Libra points out that they really should rob the Denver Mint on Friday due to Venus squaring Saturn on a Friday.

Virgo: “Libra’s right! As the Virgo here, I feel an overpowering attraction toward those mounds of coins -- !”

God, Zodiac is so dumb. I hate them.

I have to mention that they’re constantly mentioning each other’s or their own names and I appreciate it because otherwise I’d have no clue who is who.

But it kind of underscores the problem that they don’t have distinct personalities and aside from some obvious ones, I can’t always accurately remember who is who.

Scorpio tells everyone to shut up because they can debate the issue up and down but the only voice that matters is his. He’s made the decision and they’re going to precede according to his plans.

Leo: “Then I want to know why the devil you keep us around, Mr. Big Shot. You run this group like it was your private army, you never tire of telling us how you made us -- but we represent eleven different signs, and we have eleven different points of view! We --”

Scorpio: “One more word, Leo -- one more word and I’ll replace you -- and you know I can do it! It’s decided! This conjunction is terminated!”

And then Scorpio sulks away from the meeting thinking about how the Zodiac Key has a special bond with only him that Leo just wouldn’t understand.

WHICH THE KEY PIPES UP TO CONFIRM.

They have an unbreakable bond formed when the Zodiac Key saved Jake Fury’s human spirit from death one of the times he tried to kill Nick Fury. And it put it into a new body modeled after a SHIELD LMD.

So that explains that, I guess.

The Zodiac Key also takes this time to recap its backstory. I’m pretty sure Scorpio already knows it but hey, villains love to exposit.

Zodiac Key: “It is my nature to ensure conflict, for I was created in a dimension where conflict is prized about all else. Except conflict had waned there over time, so I was sent to this realm! For here, power can be had without vision, and conflict still enthralls -- and I appeared to you because your hatred for your brother is so ripe with potential!”

Scorpio tells the Zodiac Key he’s troubled by these stupid LMDs he created as backup dancers and asks for advice.

Zodiac Key: “Remember, Scorpio, to every door which seems to bar you from your goals, there is a... key...!”

God dammit. How long were you sitting on that one, you abstract symbol.

Anyway.

In the woods outside the West Coast Avengers Compound, Moon Knight strolls around in moonlight, thinking to himself how the night is his time. When the rest of the Avengers are asleep and all is quiet.

He also thinks about how not far from here is where he fought Jack Russell, Werewolf by Night, for the first time. And considers hey maybe he should look Jack Russell up some day. Social visit. Whennnn the moon isn’t full, though.

Moon Knight sees some shape darting around the forest and since the Moon IS full, he thinks its the Werewolf and chases after.

He loses the shadowy figure and then gets tackled from behind.

Annnnnd its Tigra!

She has aesthetic appreciation of every dude and hey, the Moon is for levers. So... wanna be?

Tigra makes out with Moon Knight a little, as thanks for saving her during the battle with Leo.

After getting kissed a little, Moon Knight declines her attentions because he’s dealing with so many changes already. But... maybe sometimes later?

He’s not not interested, y’know? She’s a flirty catgirl.

Tigra: Strange guy -- but a new guy! Now that I have it together, I don’t want to run around with every man I meet any more -- but I want to run around a little...!

Never change, Tigra.

Elsewhere, Mockingbird finds Sagittarius Hawkeye shooting arrows in the training room.

Mockingbird thought he was going to have a lie-down but the LMD says shooting arrows is how he unwinds. So Mockingbird asks if they can talk but Sagittarius Hawkeye says they can talk later because shooting arrows is just a grand time. Mockingbird says its important but Sagittarius Hawkeye insists “later, I said!”

So Mockingbird glumly walks off, sure that she’s screwed up her marriage.

In the science lab, Dr Pym and Iron Man are messing around doing science stuff together. Despite Moon Knight assuming that the Avengers are all asleep, these two weren’t able to.

They both feel uneasy. That something around the West Coast Avengers Compound is wrong, somehow. 

Dr Pym attributes it to a sort of sixth sense for trouble that you get for being Avengers for so long. Which sidetracks Tony right into talking about how glad he is that Hank is superheroing again.

Dr Pym: “You’ve gone out of your way to make me feel accepted again, Tony! I think I can say you’ve succeeded! I am an Avenger again -- but what I didn’t know until I opened my mouth was, I’m beginning to feel like I always have been -- that my time away was just... time out!”

Iron Man: “You’re a founding member, Hank -- you can’t get away from it!”

Aw.

Anyway.

Wonder Man comes to interrupt the “mutual admiration society” because human Taurus just came up with a hot new astrological insight.

After everyone assembles, he tells them that he was thinking too west coast (nonsense, dude. Look at the title of the book) because there are other mints that Zodiac might strike, like in San Francisco or Philadelphia.

Iron Man points out that Philadelphia is East Coast Avengers territory and that the West Coast Avengers should give them a heads up about a possible mint robbery.

But Sagittarius Hawkeye insists that they not get the East Coast Avengers involved because dangit this is the West Coast team’s case!

Of course, I can think of other reasons why a robot imposter would not want another team of superheroes called in.

Sagittarius Hawkeye also decides to himself he’ll tell the team to focus on the Philadelphia possibility, send the West Coast Avengers cross-country so Zodiac can do their themed crime in Denver without interference.

Mockingbird comes after Sagittarius Hawkeye and insists that they talk. He takes her to the workout room and tells her to spill.

Content warning: Mockingbird is gonna be discussing Phantom Rider sexually assaulting her, albeit in a pretty PG way.

Mockingbird: “Honey, I’ve got a confession to make! You may not like it. But I know now I have to tell you -- so please, hear me out completely before you judge me!

Sagittarius Hawkeye: “Shoot!”

Mockingbird: “Clint, the Phantom Rider -- he drugged me -- did who knows what else to me while I was in that state. When I got clear of him, I hated him -- and when I fought him, I knocked him backwards, over the edge of a cliff! He was hanging by his fingertips -- I could have pulled him up -- but I didn’t! I let him fall to his death! I know it’s against the Avengers’ code! That’s why I lied to you! But I thought it was best at the time! Can you ever forgive me --?”

Sagittarius Hawkeye: “That’s your big deal? No sweat, honey! These things happen!”

Mockingbird: “Wait a minute! That’s all you’ve got to say, after I pour my soul out to you?”

Sagittarius Hawkeye: “Whaddaya want me to say?”

Upset, she hauls off and punches him.

And the punch goes clunk.

BECAUSE THE LMDs AREN’T GOOD AT BEING DECOYS, FFS

Between punches clunking on him and also him punching her back, which the real Clint probably wouldn’t do after clunking, Mockingbird realizes that this isn’t the real Hawkeye.

Sagittarius Hawkeye threatens that she’s not going to be able to tell anyone but he clearly expected she’d be more intimidated or at least more winded from getting walloped.

Instead, she jumps right at him and starts hitting.

He fights back and we’ve got a little action sequence of it.

But Sagittarius Hawkeye gets the upper hand, walloping Mockingbird with his bow and then shooting a gas arrow at her while she’s prone.

Mockingbird criticizes him for fighting from a distance, so he walks up and smacks her with his bow again.

But the sound of fighting aggroed Tigra and she asks the real question of why Hawkeye is beating the crap out of Mockingbird. Doesn’t seem like a lovers’ quarrel to her...

Mockingbird yells that Hawkeye is really an LMD. Hawkeye counters that Mockingbird is crazy but Tigra believes women. Alsooooooo, (Sagittarius) Hawkeye was standing above her with his bow and Mockingbird was on the floor.

So Tigra jumps right on him.

Sagittarius Hawkeye manages to fend off Tigra with an ultrasonic arrow but Mockingbird smashes the arrow. Then Tigra and Mockingbird take away his bow, his arrows, and his limbs.

Alas, Sagittarius Hawkeye.

You weren’t long for this world but also you weren’t good at your job.

Mockingbird thanks Tigra for showing up and then speculates where the real Hawkeye could be. She goes off to go tell the rest of the team while Tigra stays behind with the trashed Sagittarius.

AND REVEALS

She’s also an LMD!

Scorpio made good on his threats and replaced Leo with a new design. A new Tigra decoying design.

And she did the thing that you can do in Mafia Werewolf of helping take out another member of the Werewolf Mafia to make yourself seem trustworthy!

Leo Tigra: “It was a brilliant plan to grab Tigra in the woods and make a second substitution! The Avengers have discovered Sagittarius, but not me -- so now they’re right where we want them!"

Of course, the second anyone punches Tigra for whatever reason, she’s going to clunk and the game will be up.

Follow @essential-avengers​ and learn more about spy-checking people in your life with random punches. Well, actually, that about sums it up in its entirety... Like and reblog anyway?

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[zytes]

this manatee looks like it’s in a skyrim loading screen

[the-nefarious-vampire]

as an aroace, im particularly dangerous, because i wont fuck or marry. i only know how to kill.

[reasonsforhope]

If you're feeling anxious or depressed about the climate and want to do something to help right now, from your bed, for free...

Start helping with citizen science projects

What's a citizen science project? Basically, it's crowdsourced science. In this case, crowdsourced climate science, that you can help with!

You don't need qualifications or any training besides the slideshow at the start of a project. There are a lot of things that humans can do way better than machines can, even with only minimal training, that are vital to science - especially digitizing records and building searchable databases

Like labeling trees in aerial photos so that scientists have better datasets to use for restoration.

Or counting cells in fossilized plants to track the impacts of climate change.

Or digitizing old atmospheric data to help scientists track the warming effects of El Niño.

Or counting penguins to help scientists better protect them.

Those are all on one of the most prominent citizen science platforms, called Zooniverse, but there are a ton of others, too.

Oh, and btw, you don't have to worry about messing up, because several people see each image. Studies show that if you pool the opinions of however many regular people (different by field), it matches the accuracy rate of a trained scientist in the field.

--

I spent a lot of time doing this when I was really badly injured and housebound, and it was so good for me to be able to HELP and DO SOMETHING, even when I was in too much pain to leave my bed. So if you are chronically ill/disabled/for whatever reason can't participate or volunteer for things in person, I highly highly recommend.

Next time you wish you could do something - anything - to help

Remember that actually, you can. And help with some science.

[baristabomb]

...weird amount of dunmeshi fans have been saying being a caretaker in a relationship is the worst thing ever..marcille must want to killl everyone soo bad because doing things for people suuuucks sooo muchh

it's an act of love, not just a job i promise. we all want someone who's willing to take care of us in some way, just like how senshi shows care for others by cooking for them :'|

[bananonbinary]

also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.

there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.

you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.

but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.

[wardensantoineandevka]

is that piece of media actually bad, or is it just not following the blueprint you projected onto it? is that work actually not good, or are you just demanding something from it that is absolutely antithetical to its themes, genre, tone, and narrative goal? is that story actually poorly written, or do you just dislike that it is not the specific things you wanted from it that it never set out to be, never was, and never is going to become? is it actually bad, or is it actually well-executed and you just dislike the story it chose to be because it isn't catering to your specific desires and expectations?

[kensatou]

(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)

[and-corn]

shoutout to the "foolproof" bread recipe I fucked up entirely for inspiring this

[hinamie]

to moving forward

[nat-20s]

i think perhaps the most annoying/exhausting phenomenon in existence is when something kind of genuinely sucks but it has, like, a female lead or whatever so half the people that are saying it sucks are nightmare people that unironically call things "woke garbage" and the other half are people that just like. have a basic sense of story structure and knowledge of character arcs as a concept that quite reasonable think this thing sucks. BUT it gets assumed that 100% of people who think it sucks are in that first half and then there's a backlash TO the backlash and all along it's still not a good fucking story. I call this "The twilight phenomena" because it got a lot of hate because of a mockery of teenage girls when it had well deserved hate for the like racism and misogyny and the throwaway detail that a grown ass man is somehow romantic soulmates with a quite literal baby.

[mylittleredgirl]

that moment when you cross the point of no return with a character should be accompanied by a specific chime i think. like 🔔 congratulations! this one has been installed in the Permanent Collection and you will never stop thinking about them as long as you live

[chloesimaginationthings]

RIP Michael Afton.. you would of loved FLAF