#also girl why is the only version of self care you have ever done FLINGING YOUR FUCKING CIGARETTE AWAY

[dailykugisaki]

Day 347 | id in alt

Kugisaki hasn't been around Gojo enough to gaf about him LMAO.

[sea-and-storm]

BETTER WITH AGE : Ghoa Mankhad

PROMPT : Describe your muse at ages 20, 40, and 60!

Tagged by @afreesworn, so blame her for this rambly bit of quasi-prose because when I saw this meme, it decided to live stubbornly rent-free in my head until I finally sat down and wrote it out. But it's late and I'm rusty, so excuse the inevitable clunky writing and weird stream-of-consciousness rambling. x:

Also I haven't been on tumblr in a hot minute and I'm probably gonna go on a meme spree here soon so I'll spare people from a tagfest since I have no idea who has or hasn't done these. :T

So uh, if you see this and wanna do it, just.. consider yourself tagged!

-- AGE 20 . . .

At age twenty, Ghoa is only just gaining her first true taste of freedom. It hasn't been long since she left the Steppe behind, fleeing a life of violence and oppression at the mercy of others' cruel whims.

Kugane is still very much a foreign land to her, equal parts terrifying and intoxicating. It is a city whose lifeblood is the trading of koban, unlike the bartering and trading -- and the taking by force -- that is prevalent in the lands she calls -- no, called her home.

Even more awkward to her is the earning of coin; but for that problem, there is an unexpected solution. Her name is Ino, a hyuran native of the land Ghoa now finds herself in. The only things that come more easily to her than her usual cocksure grins are the coins that she seems to have a knack for getting her fingers on. She readily takes the wayward Xaela under her wing, and together they begin to dream of schemes to turn their lives around. Gods know they both deserve it after the difficulties they've both already lived through.

At twenty, Ghoa doesn't yet know that this relationship born of mutual survival will soon grow into something more. Friendship. Companionship. Love. She's even less aware that the same relationship that pulled her up from the darkness of the past will end in yet more tragedy. She's blissfully unaware of the scars that this loss will one day leave behind, an invisible guilt that would linger with her for many, many long years to come no matter how hard she tries to outrun it.

As for the Storm? There have certainly been times in her twenty years that she has felt the itch of electricity arc across her palms, aching to be released. Yet she has kept it pushed deep down, kept tightly under control. Her upbringing has led her to fear the power born to her. Rather than continue to train to control it, she opts instead to push it down, push it away. It rumbles like darkened clouds on a distant horizon, the occasional faint but harmless rumble of thunder carried upon the winds. That rumble begs for her to let it loose, to let the rains and winds and lightning break free around her. Instead, she turns a blind eye, pretending not to hear its pleading as she looks towards what she hopes to be a sunny future.

-- AGE 40 . . .

At age forty, Ghoa has gone through a gamut of changes that she never could have anticipated.

She has loved and lost, and she has blamed herself for it. She's roamed far and wide, half searching for a place that she might call 'home' and half attempting -- without success -- to outrun the ghosts of the past. Her life has turned towards the dark, towards the selling of illicit potions and dangerous poisons and the ever-profitable trade of secrets. She has become a creature of hedonism and selfishness, closing her heart towards those around her and putting her own needs and whims above all else. She has finally learned what it seems her earlier years had perhaps been trying to teach her all along: that the joys of the world belong only to those strong enough and clever enough to climb upon the backs of others to grasp them. And she has vowed never to let another climb upon her in their own pursuit ever again.

It would have been easy for her to continue down this path, to continue down it until nigh impossible to turn back. Yet within these twenty years, chance has once again placed someone in her path that would radically change her life's trajectory. Rather, she met several someones. She calls them friend, lover, kin.. but most of all, at age forty, she calls them family. Blood or not, she has come to share a deep and profound bond with each of them.

Through them and their various trials and tribulations, she has come to see that she was wrong. Joy is not the sole providence of those who seize it by force of will. It belongs to those whose backs have been tred upon, yet still rise up from the darkness -- often with one another's help -- time and again. It belongs to those who refuse to give into despair and anger and bitterness, no matter how tempting. It belongs to those who are strong enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable and feel, rather than closing themselves off to everything and everyone around them.

At age forty, Ghoa can say without hesitancy or reservation that she is surrounded by those she cares for and whom care for her in turn. In coming to love them, she's come to love herself. Most of all, she has learned that her 'home' is not a physical place. It exists at a table full of drinks and raucous laughter. It exists in a conversation first awkward and quickly turned warm from a man who is at once unknown and yet achingly familiar to her. It exists wrapped in strong arms, even as tears well in her eyes and her clutching fingers are reluctant to ever let go.

Home is where she can be with those she loves, and perhaps that yet undiscovered realization is why Ghoa has been so very restless her entire life.

These past twenty years have yielded to her one more life-altering realization: that she can no sooner deny the Storm within her than she can deny her very self. It runs in her blood, electrifies her soul. Suppressing it is suppressing herself and, after all, had Ghoa not long ago vowed never to allow herself to be suppressed again?

Though the reunion has been long in the making, Ghpa's bond with the Storm feels like catching up with a long lost friend. At times, it is awkward and uncomfortable and even explosive. Others, they are in perfect harmony with one another. Regardless, Ghoa no longer winces at the rumbling skies as they approach, but looks instead with eagerness as the wind and rain begin to whip around her. Her breath hitches in excitement with each flash of lightning and roaring peal of thunder. They're discovering each other all over again after so long apart, and it will take time.. But it is a start that Ghoa has eagerly made.

-- AGE 60 . . .

At age sixty, Ghoa has begun to show the ravages of time. Her hair, once the color of breaking waves, has darkened and faded in vibrancy over the years. Lines have begun to form at her eyes and at the edges of her smile; their initial coming, of course, much to her dismay. Yet for what she has traded in youthful beauty, she's gained in poise. There's a certain air she keeps, a wisdom and a knowing sense that has come from a long life full of the lowest lows and the highest highs, from a life lived well and to its fullest.

She looks back now on the past six decades and sees all the past versions of herself with renewed clarity and understanding. The scared young woman just trying to survive the cruel hand dealt to her. The one who at one turn felt hope and love for the first time, and then just as quickly replaced both with guilt and self-loathing. The woman who convinced herself that she was better off putting herself above all others, caring not for who she hurt in the process. And yet, there is also the woman who found herself caring so much for those around her that she would fling herself into the face of danger to protect them at a moment's notice.

Ghoa looks back on these women now and realizes there was no one single point at which she became herself. She is the sum of all the parts of her life, both bitter and sweet. Even the worst moments of her life, she realizes now, eventually lead to change -- growth -- within herself. Though.. perhaps not in a linear fashion, as Ghoa was ever wont to stumble along the way. But with that realization now comes acceptance, peace, and healing. For the first time, she is able to look back at her years without picking out all the parts she wishes she could change.

Now at sixty, Ghoa has likely lost some of those she cares for along the way, gone but never forgotten nor less loved. Yet as always, the Storm within remains her most constant companion. Gone are the days where she fears its power or it roars out of her grasp unbidden. There is a mutual respect and understanding between them, and with that comes a power she never knew.

Once as a girl, Ghoa watched as Elder Unegen called lightning down from the sky upon herself and walked away not only whole, but embraced by arcing jolts of electricity curling protectively around her until she released them back unto the sky. She doubted back then that she could ever be so powerful. Yet now, Ghoa has not only performed the same feat, but she has done so in front of the next generation of Stormcallers. She will fill them with awe at what is possible, and she will guide them with a gentle but firm hand as any Elder Stormcaller aught now that she has come full circle and returned to the very tribe in which her long story began.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

A cozy reading nook

There’s nothing like going to a thrift shop and striking gold. In today’s case, it was at the books section. Murphy and I have been spending the past few days putting together a cozy reading nook with our new gyroid themed furniture. Since the shelves were looking a bit sparse, we headed off to several thrift shops to fill them up.

Going to a thrift shop is like picking and choosing stuff from a mystery goodie bag. Sometimes you find stuff and sometimes you don’t - it’s all about chance. My mom always said whenever we went shopping at a thrift store is that if we find something we like, buy it. First of all, it’s fairly cheap, and second, you’re never going to see it again. So I base my purchases off absolutes - do I really want/need it or not? Even if I’m not gonna need it right away but might in the future, then that counts as a yes.

Today we went shopping at a cute little corner shop in Blueberry. I’ve only been there a few times since it’s kinda hard to get there but whenever I stopped by, I almost always find a treasure. And today, we stumbled across a treasure chest!

Among the many books we found today, there was one that caught my eye in particular. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a coincidence that I would stumble upon this find after hearing the news a couple days ago.

The book in question is called Climb Every Mountain by Claire Bennett. It’s one of those books that I read years ago and it stuck with me. A fairly quick read, but one that lingers for a while. I think the fact that I’ve crossed paths with Claire in the past is why I’ve been so invested in the story.

I wonder how she’s doing right now.

Climb Every Mountain’s a work of fiction loosely based on Claire’s own life - or, in retrospect, a somewhat idealized version of it. An alternate universe where despite everything that happened, there’s still a glimmer of hope that it gets better. Not that Claire’s life was terrible, but more like for every good thing that happened, it gets overshadowed by the not so good things happening behind the scenes. 

I met Claire when I was living in Astra, back when she was married to Matt. She, Nathan, and I would often hang out at the Study Library Cafe so that’s how we became friends. After Claire finished grad school we kinda lost touch with her, at least until we found each other on social media a few years ago. So even though we don’t talk often, at least we hear bits and pieces here and there.

Nathan, Claire, and Matt went to the same high school - Claire and Matt being a couple years older - so that’s how they know each other. Astra’s a medium sized town so even if you don’t know everyone, you’ve at least heard of most of them. 

Claire wasn’t exactly in the popular crowd, but she was notable for being well accomplished. Straight A, type A perfectionist who’s captain of the cheerleading squad and debate team as well as class president who graduated as valedictorian - she was what they described as untouchable. Despite how she might look, Claire is not superficial or shallow or cutthroat - she’s just ambitious. No one dared messed with her or got in her way.

Then there’s Matt, who was also notable but not exactly popular either. He came from a rich family who was notable in Astra and he made sure people knew that. Orphaned as a baby he lived with his dad’s advisor who tried to manipulate him so when he got older Matt kicked her out and was informally adopted by a friend who helped bailed him out when his former guardian tried to get revenge. 

At first glance Matt comes across as arrogant, narcissistic, and not so bright. Part of his arrogance comes from being entitled, though it’s more of a defense mechanism to protect himself from those who tried to use him. The saying still waters run deep applies to him. 

Even after everything he put Claire through, I can’t help but feel bad for him sometimes. Don’t get me wrong - it doesn’t excuse his actions, but at least it wasn’t done out of pure malice. Matt has a lot of flaws but the biggest one of all is his tendency towards self-sabotage.

Because their personalities are so different, you’d think people like Matt and Claire would clash. To everyone’s surprise, they were close friends turned high school sweethearts. In a way, they complimented each other. But they also dragged each other down - Claire bringing out the best in him, Matt bringing out the worst in her. 

No matter what, Claire still sees the good in him. I don’t think Matt is a bad guy, but he’s definitely not good for her. I get that Claire has a special bond with him - and probably the best thing to ever happen to him second to his adoptive family - so it’s understandable why she’s so forgiving of him. She was in a tough spot as she could no longer tolerate his bullshit and at the same time couldn’t just cut him off like pretty much everyone else in his life.

Claire wrote and published Climb Every Mountain during her senior year of high school. At the time she was standing at a crossroads. She had two equally great scholarships - one for any Ivy League university, another close to home. There were also a lot of other factors she had to consider and in the end she chose to stay home and marry Matt.

Climb Every Mountain is a historical fiction novel set in the 60s that tells the story of a bookish teenage girl who grows up alongside her childhood friend, a rebellious orphan of a wealthy family. Despite their differences, both feel like they don’t belong because of how much they stand out. The precocious Malina is told to stay in her place and downplay her inquisitive nature while KT’s the kind of guy who refuses to give a damn about anything. 

The story starts when Malina and KT are fourteen and spans about five years. Malina’s busy trying to figure out the world while KT does whatever he wants, including trying to win over Malina’s heart. As they grow older, they become closer and later get married despite disapproval from pretty much everyone. The two go through a lot of ups and downs as they realize that the world is a lot more complicated and contradicting than they realize. 

The end is somewhat ambiguous but also hopeful. Malina defies her family’s expectations by speaking her mind through leading anti-war protests. KT casts away his family’s status and threw everything out of the window by dodging the draft. They were able to get away with being arrested and released because of KT’s status and now that no longer mattered, the young couple had no choice but to flee the country. So Malina stages one final protest, basically giving the government a big middle finger, and in the chaos, she and KT escape. 

As they snuck away, both fought the temptation to look back. Through thick and thin, Malina and KT stuck together. Even when starting from the ground up, as long as they had each other, it’ll be all right. No matter what happens, the only thing that’s certain is that they had no regrets.

Something about Malina’s courage and determination always stuck to me. Her and KT’s loyalty to others was something that didn’t really resonate with me until I got older. Knowing the inspiration behind Malina and KT, their story digs a lot deeper.

I’d like to think Malina and KT eventually had a happy ending. After escaping the country and starting over, after everything they’ve been through, they deserve to be happy. I think that’s what Claire wanted for them too. And for herself especially.

Like with Malina and KT, there’s more to Claire and Matt’s relationship than meets the eye. I wouldn’t say that Claire was unhappy with Matt, but sometimes things don’t work out no matter how hard you try. 

I don’t want to say that Matt is needy - probably high maintenance is a better word - the kind of person who expects everything and nothing less. From experience, those kinds of people can be exhausting to be around, even if they are generally pretty cool. Matt definitely fits into that category. Always venting his problems to someone - usually Claire - and expecting an immediate response, not caring how you feel or whether or not you’re in the mind space to help out or listen. It’s hard to trust someone or confide in them if they don’t respect your boundaries, especially if they almost always make it about them in the end. And to be honest, I think Matt’s the kind of guy who likes to talk just so you’d pay attention to him.

Claire and Matt were married for about eight years before splitting up. By the time Nathan and I met her, their marriage was starting to become shaky with Matt cheating on her and making enemies with a lot of people. I guess what prompted Claire to file for divorce had something to do with their kids - Katie and Brittany - as that was one major factor that prevented the two from breaking up. 

After the divorce, Claire took the girls and left Astra. Matt left too not long after that. He still kept in touch because of the girls so at least he isn’t cut off completely. Claire became a journalist for the Inkwell Gazette so every once in a while I’d come across her articles. She hasn’t released another book since Climb Every Mountain, which is a shame since she’s a good writer. Given what she’s been through, I don’t really blame her though.

While she has always been successful, I don’t think Claire really flourished until she left Matt. I can’t imagine it being easy to make a name for yourself if you’re almost always associated with an heir who’s notable for being troubled. It wasn’t that Matt stifled her - he did the opposite in fact, sometimes to the point where he put her on a pedestal - it was more like Claire can do whatever she wants as long as she puts Matt’s needs over hers. Basically Claire’s a giver, Matt’s a taker.

As for Matt, he’s remained a mystery until a while ago. He pretty much spent the past few years couch hopping, partying, stirring up trouble, and having flings. Then a couple months ago he was driving under the influence - which he’s gotten in trouble for several times - and ended up killing someone in an accident. So he fled the scene and managed to lay low for a while before turning himself in.

There’s definitely more to the story and while a part of me wants to dig deeper, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Also, I doubt there’d be much to find out anyway since this is the kind of thing Matt’s people would want to keep quiet because of scandals and such. At least from what it sounds like, Matt came forward voluntarily so maybe there’s a silver lining. Knowing him though, he’ll probably get a light sentence and then the whole thing will be buried away like it never happened. Then again, Matt’s not a total asshole so maybe this incident will shake him up and teach him a lesson.

I have a feeling that I’m gonna be re-reading Climb Every Mountain a few more times in the near future. It’s definitely one of those books worth revisiting years later.

[jawnjendes]

tell me that i’m not crazy | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

masterlist | series playlist

It's a psychological fact that you have multiple versions of yourself that you present at different times. You are not the same person in everyone's eyes.

Being self-aware and moderately narcissistic, I detected a few of those selves. Girlfriend Me: Still reserved, but letting loose. Affectionate and supportive. Less bitchy than normal. Adored by Shawn Mendes for some reason. Extended Family Me: Quiet and moody. She wants to be anywhere but here. Constantly pestered to bring someone home. Customer Service Me: Professional, but shy. Blunt and efficient. Always smiling even though she wants to die. Finally, Crazy Me: Nervous and insecure. Bursting at the seams. Wanting to talk but fears being ridiculed and rejected.

You could understand why I didn't want to tell Shawn about Luca being my coworker. He didn't ask if I still saw Luca at all, because I had told him I cut the bastard off… on a personal level. Professionally, I saw Luca 3 times a week. We work at the same car dealership. That's how we met.

It was less stressful having to see Luca at work now that I wasn't hung up on him. As long as he called me a bitch and ridiculed me constantly, I was okay. As long as I had Shawn to be kind to me, everything was fine.

It was easy for me to sit behind a desk at the window of a tiny office. I worked with three other people in this office: Stacy, the business manager who never stayed past 2 o'clock. Then there was Jason, the salesman who was always stoned. Finally, there was Luca, the other salesman who got up in everyone's business. He and Jason were very good friends outside of work, and they sat at their respective desks at the back of the office when they weren't out in the showroom entertaining customers. I was stationed at the front, being the receptionist. It was easy keeping my back to everyone else.

Being at a car dealership, I had quite a few boring responsibilities. They were all easy, and done quickly. so the only thing I had to worry about was answering the phone every so often. Most of the time, I was catching up on coursework and pretending not to listen to Jason and Luca banter.

“Imagine having a car in the twentieth century,” Jason sarcastically droned on.

“Couldn't be me,” Luca finished.

Yes, 90% of their conversations went like that. You could say my sense of humor warped a little because of them. I mean, I still find offensive jokes to be far from funny, and that was the other ten percent. I lose my one brain cell just by sitting in this office.

The phone rang just after Jason and Luca started talking about women in a vulgar manner. I quickly got annoyed by the amount of testosterone increasing in the room, so I was glad to have a distraction. I picked up the receiver and said the usual professional greeting in the cheeriest tone I could muster.

“So that's your happy voice, eh?”

Just like that, I unclenched and dropped the fake tone. “Hey, you.”

“No, no,” Shawn said, “go back to the other voice. I'm a loyal, paying customer here!”

I giggled. “Maybe later. What's up?”

“Wanted to see if you're hungry. I can pick you up on your lunch break.”

“Yes, please. I need to get out of here for a bit. I'll be ready in about an hour.”

“Perfect, I'll see you then.”

We hung up, and my cheeks were burning. I didn't realize I was beaming until I turned in my seat.

Luca and Jason had walked up next to me, clearly interested in what I had been doing. Luca had a shit eating grin on his face.

“Who was that?” he asked in the most ten-year-old sounding voice.

“Don't worry about it,” I snapped.

“Someone's got a boyfriend!”

“But bro,” Jason piped up, “she doesn't like anybody.”

I chuckled. “True. But my guy likes me, so…”

“Who is he?” Luca asked, sitting in the chair next to me. “Since when did you get a mans?”

I gave him a pointed look. “Why do you care?”

“You're just not the relationship type, y’know?” Jason answered.

“D’you loooove him?” Luca teased.

I scoffed. “Oh, now you wanna talk about my feelings? You never did before!”

Luca’s grin faltered. His face flushed.

“What does that mean?” Jason asked.

“Nothing. She's kidding.”

Oh yeah. No one ever knew about mine and Luca's office fling. It took me a while to realize it was because he was embarrassed of me. I know, what the hell was I thinking, getting involved with someone like that?

~

A typical Friday night for me consisted of skincare and watching whatever TV show I was intensely fixated on. Whether or not Shawn joined me, it was my personal recharging time. My life has gotten so mundanely stressful that I looked forward to sitting on my dorm room couch alone.

Tonight was different. Shawn was going to sing at a bar downtown, and I promised him I would go. I managed to string along my roommate, Stella, so I wouldn't be sitting at a table by myself. She was the one who brought me to Shawn's show long before he and I started dating. Stella now takes full responsibility for getting my introverted ass into a relationship.

Shawn had to get to the bar early to set up, so I showed up with Stella on my arm. We grabbed a table near the back window, away from where the band was setting up. As soon as we were sitting down, I texted Shawn to let him know I had arrived.

“So he's gotten you outta the dorm,” Stella commented, “yet you still manage to place yourself in the corner of the room.”

I shrugged. “As long as he knows I'm here.”

Stella hummed and then flagged down a waiter. She ordered a cocktail, and I stuck with water.

“Are you ever gonna let loose again?” she asked me once the waiter had gone.

“As long as I'm on antidepressants, I'm always loose,” I told her. I was very cautious about mixing alcohol with whatever pills I was putting into my body. I hadn't had a drink in months.

“Does your mans know you take antidepressants?”

“He will.” Maybe. Probably… not.

Shawn performed a few minutes later. He was insanely good at working the crowd. Then again, there were some enthusiastic fangirls standing directly in front of the stage that got everyone else into it. Can't say I blame ‘em.

I was what you call a “metal head” and also a “nerd.” I was also a “supportive goth gf,” meaning I always listened to Shawn's music when he wasn't around. I told him I lived for the slow, sad songs, especially Mercy. Secretly, I fully bopped to all of his fun, upbeat songs. Even more secretly, it brought me immense joy to see Shawn sing his heart out on stage. I was his biggest fan, though I would never tell him that. It would just go straight to his ego.

The song I loved hearing the most was Mercy. It was the first of Shawn's songs I had ever heard. It resonated with me deeply a few months ago, just after I had left Luca. I got very choked up hearing Shawn sing it in that little coffee shop. Later, when Stella introduced me, he said he had seen my face in the crowd. He knew it hit home.

We are very happy now, I swear.

I can say with confidence that the past is behind me. Now, Mercy is my favorite song because of Shawn, not the guy that came before him. I never realized how unhappy I was until I wasn't anymore. Therapy, medication, and new people made their contributions.

~

“You look so happy when you're up there,” I told Shawn once we were back at his place.

He had been beaming since we left the bar. A couple of drinks may have had something to do with that. “I am happy. I get so giddy every time I get to sing. I wish I could do it all the time.”

We sat on the couch, basking in the silence. Shawn slung his arm around me, euphoria still radiating off his whole body. I looked up at him, and I couldn't help but hug him around his middle. I felt a bit mushy.

“Proud'a you,” I told him.

Once I was in that position, Shawn took full advantage and lied us back across the couch. I was somewhat awkwardly on top of him, so I shifted my legs so I was practically straddling him. Then, I lied my head on his chest.

“Did you have fun? I saw you all the way in the back,” Shawn said.

“Yeah, I had fun. I love that you kept Mercy in the set.”

“I know it’s your favorite.”

There were things I wanted to know about that particular song when I first heard it. Of course, I didn’t want to seem nosy or interested when I first met Shawn. But now we were out in the open, and it was getting easier to do things like talk normally.

“Who hurt you so bad you had to write a song?” I asked as I sat up, still on top of him.

Shawn was smiling up at me, very aware of the position we were in. However, he still answered my question. “Actually… Mercy was about a friend of mine. He went through that.”

That was brand new information. No, seriously. I actually had to get off of Shawn’s lap to process this. “You write other people’s stories?”

He sat up and made space for me to sit next to him again. “Sometimes. This one in particular was about my friend having a complicated relationship with a girl he works with.”

I chuckled. “I know that feeling all too well.” Then, as a joke, “That guy wouldn’t happen to work at a car dealership, would he?”

“He does, actually.”

My entire body shifted away from Shawn. Okay, this was getting weird. I work at a car dealership. I had a complicated relationship with a coworker. Not to mention, Shawn was quite popular and knew people all over the area, and he was a regular at my dealership. My favorite song was slipping through my fingers.

Shawn didn’t seem too concerned. “It’s probably a coincidence, babe.”

“What’s his name, then?” I had told him quite a bit about my past relationship, apart from the guy’s name. I had so many questions.

“Luca…”

I stared at my boyfriend in utter shock, while he had a look of disbelief on his face.

“No. No way. I wrote Mercy over a year ago. Plus, he was high when he was telling me about-”

“He’s always high!” I snapped. “The only time he isn’t is when his pen runs out of whatever-the-fuck!”

I couldn’t believe it. My current boyfriend knows my ex… flame. My ex flame talked about me to my current boyfriend, before he was my boyfriend. The song that came out of it was my favorite song. If that wasn’t the most fucked up fanfic scenario ever-

Oh god. What if they had seen each other when Shawn picked me up from the dealership? What would have happened? What kind of shit would Luca had given me? What would Shawn have said to him?

“When exactly did this happen?” I asked, mildly frantic. “How long have you known him? How long have you known about me?”

“I didn’t know it was you,” Shawn said. “He always called you ‘the girl from work,’ and some other things that upset me now that you’re my girlfriend. I met Luca in one of my classes last year. Sometimes we smoked together, but I never considered him an actual friend.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “If I had known you then, and if I knew what was really going on, I wouldn’t have…”

Here I thought Luca was far too embarrassed of me to even act like I exist. I had been under the impression that he never thought of me when we weren’t in the backseat of my car. I thought all of his friends were just as bad as he was… but he knows Shawn well enough to confide in him? Or rather, Luca told Shawn I gave him such a hard time that he had to beg for mercy?

“I know you spent a lot of time being pissed at him,” Shawn told me after a while, “but he really did have feelings for you.”

I let the words sink in for a minute. “That… That is the fattest fucking load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I never thought of Luca as that type of guy. He’s pretty reserved, but-”

“Still a grade A asshole. He was way different when it was me and him. Sometimes he was nice to me. Most times, he acted like I didn’t exist, and if he did, he called me a bitch or a whore or he made some rude comment about anything I was doing. He thought I was insane for trying to call him my boyfriend, but he would beg to get into my pants every few weeks. I was too emotional, too cringey, too goth, not sexy enough. I was never enough for him, so don’t tell me he ever had feelings because that’s not what I saw.”

Shawn had a sad look in his eyes. He nodded lightly.

“And worst of all, he ruined my favorite song by my favorite person.”

“I’ll write you a new one. A better one. You’ll never have to hear Mercy again.”

[starryburglar-archive]

Hans Info

Full name: Hans Westergaard

Species: Human

Age: 23

Sexuality: Pansexual

FC(s): Domhnall Gleeson

Bio: As the youngest of 13 brothers, Hans found it pretty difficult to stand out in his family or as a prince. It almost seemed like, no matter what he did to an exceptional degree, one or several of his brothers would do it BETTER. It didn’t help the fact that most of them either ignored him or bullied him for being the youngest. The only sort of love he receives from his family is from his mother, who only seems to be truly content around him.

The young prince knew from an early age that her marriage to his father was arranged. The two never loved each other, never grew to be fond of one another, they can’t even stand being in the same room together. But their marriage united two kingdoms and saved The Southern Isles from disgrace.

One would think that being basically ignored by almost every member of his family would mean that Hans has the freedom to do anything he pleases, but that’s not the case. His father barely spoke to him but his eyes said everything. If Hans didn’t do what the king wanted, he would be punished -- it was the silent treatment version of ‘You may be a waste of space but you’re still a prince of the Southern Isles. Act the part.’. Etiquette, diplomacy, politics, geography, economics, manners... Hans had to master them all.

His only moments of solace were when he would be by himself on his private chambers or in the royal library. The young prince would do nothing but read -- read books about the mysteries of the world, about the different kingdoms and their customs, and, last but not least, fairytales. Yes, fairytales -- something unfit for a prince but Hans found enjoyment out of them. They were that one thing that brought a smile to his face because of how hopeful they make him feel. They made him wish for a better future, one where he was able to find true love and be happy, unlike his parents.

Years later, some months after his 22nd birthday, he was sent by his father to represent The Southern Isles at the coronation of the new queen of Arendelle. Why him? It’s still puzzling for Hans how his father doesn’t consider Arendelle a possible strong ally but was happy to be able to travel away from his homeland for a while. A few days without his family is better than nothing. Not long after a few minutes after arriving at the closed-off kingdom, he accidentally stumbled upon the princess of Arendelle, Anna.

She was the sweetest and prettiest girl he had ever seen -- prettier than all of the wives of his married brothers. And despite the unfortunate way they happened to meet, she didn't think ill of him after almost accidentally pushing her into the sea with his horse -- she even laughed! At that moment, Hans was convinced that the warmth in his chest was love. It has to be, right? What else could it be but true love? Maybe it was fate what made his father choose him to come to the coronation and meet the young princess.

Later that day, when the two were alone, he didn’t hesitate to propose right on the spot, even though it was the craziest move he could’ve done. Propose after meeting her that same day? His father would’ve thought he had gone bonkers -- you can imagine how shocked and overwhelmed he was when she said yes, a genuine and heartfelt yes. Hans thought nothing could ruin that evening.

Oh, how fate had different plans for him and everyone involved.

He never anticipated for the new queen to have any sort of magic abilities like he would so often read about in his fairytales. But she did, queen Elsa had power over ice and snow. Because of a misunderstanding, Anna’s frustrations and the evil intentions of the Duke of Weselton, her powers were exposed and everyone feared for the worst -- even he himself was unsure of how to feel at first. After Elsa ran away scared, Anna left the kingdom determined to find her and fix this mess, but not without leaving Hans in charge.

It was rough at first, trying to calm down the townsfolk as well as the other royal visitors currently stuck in Arendelle during the frozen winter in the middle of July. But he did his best, applying everything he has learned back home while adapting it to this current predicament. It worked well enough for the first hours.

When Anna’s horse returned but without its rider, his worries only increased. Dedicated to finding his bride-to-be, Hans formed a team of volunteering men to search for the princess and the queen. Hours later, he was surprised, once again, to find queen Elsa in what seemed to be a place of her creation: a palace made out of ice, truly magnificent. He was planning to reason with the queen and try to make her return to Arendelle peacefully, but those soldiers from Weselton ruined everything by scaring her and almost killing her.

The men returned to Arendelle with an unconscious Elsa. Hours later, Hans found himself with the queen, who was put in the dungeons and chained due to the worries of the other lords present. He pleased her to bring back summer, but she couldn’t. Unsure of what to do, he reassured her he would do anything to help her and returned to the comfort of the chimney. Not too long after that, Anna returned weaker than ever -- her hair was whiter than before and her body was freezing. Apparently, when anna tried to reason with Elsa, the queen accidentally froze her sister’s heart and now anna was slowly turning to ice, only to be told that an act of true love would thaw it.

The young couple stared at one another after being left alone. An act of true love... a kiss! If they kissed, she would be saved. Hans was extra careful while holding Anna, resting her against the sofa in the room that was near the chimney, all while cupping her cheek gently and smiling warmly at her. He leaned closer until his lips met hers in a closer embrace. They stayed like that for what it felt like an eternity... but neither felt anything, not a spark, not warmth, not anything. The kiss not only didn’t work, but both were dumbfounded by this revelation.

It took the help of a curious but strange talking snowman ( which shook him to no end ) for the lovebirds to realize their situation. What they thought was true love was not it -- it was a fling of the moment, a passionate desire for comfort and happiness while sharing it with another person, something both had wanted for years due to not getting any sort of love from their families. This didn’t make things awkward between them ( or at least not THAT awkward ); both knew the truth know.

Now their objective was to get Anna to Kristoff, her actual true love. Hans helped Anna get around the castle due to their weak form and her inability to walk in her current state. They reached the frozen fjörds, where Kristoff was also looking for her, but so were Elsa, the duke of Weselton and his men. Hans left anna so she would go with the blond man, while he grabbed his sword and tried his best to stop the men from killing the snow queen. However, they were three against one, two of them being much taller, bigger and stronger than him.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. The short Duke sneaked past him to strike Elsa, but then Anna stood in the way, using her last ounce of life to stop him while her body became ice. The ground shook as a wave hit everyone who was nearby. The scene was devastating to behold. Anna, who he had ground fond of and now realized she really was a good friend, stood frozen in the middle of the fjörds; Elsa hugged the statue devastated while sobbing her heart out.

No one anticipated the return of princess Anna. But it was that act of true love, the self-sacrifice she did for her sister what thawed her frozen heart. There was rejoicing all across the kingdom of Arendelle, its citizens and the lords visiting as Elsa brought back Summer.

A few days later, Hans was rewarded for his bravery and all the help he brought to Arendelle and the sister, despite the young prince insisting that he didn’t deserve anything while anna said otherwise. He was a hero, as much of a hero as Kristoff, the ice harvester, was. He and Elsa also were able to start again while building new relations between the kingdoms -- The Southern Isles and Arendelle would be their greatest allies. 

Hans was content to have done a good deed and for some of his naïvete to have vanished thanks to this experience -- he’ll be careful in the matters of love, but still hopeful for a bright and loving future.

Note: Hella canon divergent. Mostly based on his personality pre-twist and first impressions from the trailers.

[ MAIN || INBOX || HEADCANONS || VISAGE || MUSINGS ]

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V001: Youngest of 13

Default main verse. Hans is the youngest child of the king and queen of Westergard and without any chance to get a claim to the throne, not without his 12 brothers being more favoured by his father in all ways possible. He is determined to stand out in any way possible without going against his moral compass, which includes forming better relations with other kingdoms and start having friends.

NOTE: Mostly takes place after the events of the first movie. I’ll have to see the sequel to see how I can work him into it.

V002: Working Towards a Better Life

Modern verse. As the youngest of 13 brothers, Hans was often ignored by his siblings and his father, only occasionally receiving a caring word from his mother and, if he was lucky, a full conversation with his father. 

Currently, at the age of 23, he’s working to get a degree in History so he can become a professor in the subject -- history has always fascinated him, even as a child, so having the possibility to share this passion with a new generation made him happy. On top of that, Hans is also working on a novel during his free time. He also moved out of his home as soon as he was able and had the resources; at this point of his life, he didn’t want anything to do with his father’s company and connections ( not that he would get any of that ) and instead focus on making himself happy.

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CONNECTIONS

--

[alternative27angel]

Fox Hunt

Kinda miffed with ML’s choices for the miraculous’ powers, and just frustrated in general with their writing, so decided to dust this off.

This is just a rough draft, though. Trying to hammer out some more plot details first.

They say every person comes to a crossroad in their life. A choice of two paths, one that will become the best decision you ever made, and one that you'll regret til the end of your days.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng hadn't quite decided which path her current one could be considered, but scurrying around the edge of a tower in the dead of night wasn't what her fourteen-year-old self had in mind when she'd stopped to help an old man.

A pigeon giving her the bird-version of a side-eye wasn't doing her any favors either.

"Don't mind me, Jacques, just running a little errand." She waved distractedly as she made her way over to one of the filthier windows on this side of the building. According to the schematics, the third window from the right should be the one for the file room. Would be nice if she could actually see inside to confirm, though…

Guess all she could do was hope and pray for the best, then.

Shifting her flute into a narrower shape, she jammed it underneath window and quickly levered it open. Dust and metal flooded her nose as she took in the room. The large room with file cabinets and shelves. With walls and walls of file cabinets and shelves. All most definitely filled to the brim with documents and security footage.

"Well, it's definitely the file room…" With a sigh, she made her way inside and started scanning the labels for what she needed.

2001, 1999, 1997, 1995… 1993, there we go. Now, which of the 8 boxes could it be…?

Her ears caught the sound of footsteps echoing on a staircase, charging their way up to her floor. Why would they…?

A red light blinked out of the corner of her eye, and with a groan, she turned to look at the camera she didn't even think to watch out for. Oh, Trixx was probably loving this right now.

Time for Plan B. Well, technically Plan G, but it's not like anybody else had to know that.

Still trying to keep some level of stealth (if for no other reason than to salvage her wounded pride), she whisper-yelled the command, "Fox Sense," and tapped her flute against her head.

Immediately, a strong smell of plastic assaulted her senses, and her eyes were drawn to the box on the highest shelf. She crawled her way up and yanked off the lid, rifling through the tapes as quickly as she could without making too much noise. A shock raced across her palm, prompting her to look at the label on the tape currently in her hand.

15/03/1993 'Frelon Roi Goes Dark'

Gotcha.

Moving fast, she tossed the lid on, slid the box back into place, and leapt over to the window just as footsteps reached door. By the time the security staff burst into the file room, she was already outside and running across a roof two buildings over.

Giddiness overcame her as she realized that–despite screwing up with the camera–she'd managed to make a clean escape with her loot. And no birdbrain in sight! Looks like her luck was finally turning around-

Shwing!

Unable to help the little scream that escaped her, she quickly leapt back from the hardened feather embedded in the roof mere inches from where she'd been a second ago. A rustle in the wind was all the warning she had before a dark blue shape was dropping down on her from a nearby building, forcing her to fling herself off her own in an effort to get away.

Down in the street, she sprinted a few yards to put some distance between them before pivoting to face her pursuer, whom had quickly made his way down to the lower level as well.

"Shouldn't you be in bed, young lady?" drawled a familiar voice, casual tone belying the blackened eyes latching onto the tape in her hand and bringing a pinched look to his masked face.

If Marinette had any hope of getting out of this with the tape in her possession, she could not engage in a direct fight. Time and again, he managed to snatch every piece of evidence she had ever managed to find, and she couldn’t afford to lose this one too. They needed this.

A quiet beeping from her necklace reminded her that she was also on borrowed time. She scanned her surroundings as subtly as possible whilst distracting the Peacock.

“Oh, Jay Bleu. The sky is clear, the breeze is sweet, and the city of Paris is at peace. Can’t a girl just enjoy a beautiful night every once in a while?”

There was an alley two buildings down. Narrow spaces wouldn’t do her many favors, but if she remembered right, that alley was a shortcut to the Seine…

Taking a menacing step forward, Jay shifted a couple more feathers into his hands. “Young women need their beauty sleep, my dear. That’s why everyone is currently resting safe in their homes.” Sirens sounded in the distance, tugging a smirk onto his lips. “Well, most of them, anyway. I’m afraid someone has disturbed our esteemed officers’ sleep.”

“Well, that hardly has anything to do with me,” she blithely denied, keeping eye-contact with him as she slowly circled around him and tightened her grip on her flute. She had to time it right, or he would be on her in no time.

Jay Bleu rolled his eyes. “Fox, let’s not waste our time tonight. We both know how this ends. Just give me the tape and go on home, before your time runs out.”

She stiffened, just as another beep sounded in her ears.

A sigh escaped him, letting his eyes close briefly before he fixed her with a flat look. “Even if I couldn’t hear it, that necklace of yours is painfully obvious, blinking light and all.”

Almost there. “Come on, can’t you let me have a win for once, Jay?” she pleaded, lacing her voice with false sweetness. “It’s not gentlemanly to keep denying a lady like this. If you're not careful, girls might start hating you~”

He rolled his eyes a second time.

So close. She shifted her weight onto the balls of her feet. “Also, the name isn’t Fox.”

Almost.

She gestured at the pot of red flowers next to her. “It’s Camellia!” she stated, pride seeping into her tone as he took the bait, glancing over at it.

Now.

“Those aren’t-” Thwack! Her flute struck hard at his ankle, and down he went. “Shit!”

Not even pausing to see if he’d hit the ground, she made a break for it. First to the alley, which would hopefully have enough debris for her throw in Jay Bleu’s way. Then, it would only be a sprint to the bridge-!

A feather just barely brushed her cheek, forcing her to duck to the left and-against her better judgement-peer behind her. Jay Bleu had already gotten his feet under him and was pelting after her, a dark glare making his already intimidating gaze even more terrifying. She didn’t even hesitate to grab the nearest thing (a trashcan lid) and sling it at him.

The oof! behind her assured that she’d hit her mark, and she used the opportunity to put on an extra burst of speed, using whatever she could grab onto to fling herself even further away from her pursuer and leaving it lying in his path.

Another beep sounded, signaling that she had only two minutes left. If she didn’t make it, she was done for.

Desperation was fueling her as she burst out of the alley and sped out into the open. The cursing and crashing behind her said that Jay Bleu wasn’t far behind, so if she was going to do this, it had to be now.

Reaching into the pouch on her hip, she spun around and made eye-contact one last time with the boy behind her. Unable to resist, she smiled smugly and threw down the smoke bomb.

As smoke exploded into the air, she sprinted for the little bridge and promptly flung herself over it.

The Seine rushed up to meet her for just a second before she used her paw pads grab onto the side of the bridge and catch herself. She scrambled as quickly and quietly as possible to the underside and then waited.

Footsteps pounded overhead, reaching the middle and pausing as the boy gasped for breath. Nothing could be heard, save for the sound of his coughing every few seconds.

She held her breath and then suddenly remembered, wrapping one hand around her miraculous just before it beeped again, muffling the sound.

A few more seconds passed by, and the fox began to fear that her time would run out first. But someone must’ve been taking mercy on her, because after coughing rather hard one more time, Jay Bleu cursed and ran away, apparently having given up and simply deciding to try a random direction.

After waiting a little to see if he’d come back, she let out the breath she was holding in a big sigh of relief, shoulders beginning to relax. And just like that, orange light engulfed her and took away the fox guise, leaving simple Marinette behind.

Simple Marinette that had no way of holding onto the underside of a cement bridge.

She barely had time to scream before she fell into the river, a big splash erupting as she hit the water hard. She re-emerged, coughing and sputtering as she treaded water to keep herself afloat.

“Well,” she sighed, “that could’ve gone worse. At least I got...” Her eyes snapped open wide.

Video tape + water = OH NO!

Before she could begin to panic though, a deep, soothing voice called out, “No worries, Mari. I’ve got it.”

There, floating above her, was a little fox with large ears and slanted eyes glimmering with amusement. And in their paws was the video tape…!

Marinette couldn’t help her giggle of relief. She waved up at him in glee. “Thank God you’re here, Trixx!”

A chuckle responded back at her. “No no, you did all the work, Mari. We’re still  a little rough, but this is the proof that you’ve got what it takes.” They swooped down to hover just a little in front of her face, a foxy grin aimed at her. “Congratulations on your first successful heist, Camellia!”

Marinette’s responding smile was blinding as the reality settled in. She’d finally done it! She’d finally beaten Jay Bleu and recovered her first piece of the puzzle to finding the other missing Miraculouses. She could actually do this!

“Yes!” She thrust her fists up in victory. Maybe this was the right choice after all.

[dasirunrunrun]

Good Grief - Chapter 3

Jungkook makes a habit of showing up drunk to a nearby flower shop. Bad puns and fluffy pining ensue.

Or, a college!au in which BTS are all frat boys, Namjoon is a science club president,Jimin just wants a good party, and Jungkook is hopelessly fascinated by the girl who takes care of flowers in her free time.

author's note: aaaand we’re back folks, with chapter three! it get’s a little dramatic this time around, so just a fair warning!! i hope you enjoy it, and once again comments, tips, and critiques are all appreciated!!

disclaimer: all mentions of the university in this fic are purely pulled from my ass— I don't claim to know anything on a deep, spiritual level about university clubs, classes or frat parties. Side characters, that aren't specifically Bangtan Members™, are all made up and therefor fictional .

words: 5k

If you’d prefer reading on AO3 the link is here

I glanced up at the seemingly endless stacks of write-ins, wishing for them to somehow disappear before my eyes. It was chaos in the offices of the News Club. Almost straight after the Fraternity article had been released, there had been letters upon letters of indignant students. Most of them claiming that the article was unjust: an uncalled for attack on Fraternities. Others had deeper questions— wanting to know which House specifically could be held responsible. In other words: it was a fucking mess. Mary, though, having been the main editor and writer of it: was taking most of the heat. And it was quite obvious, with her wearisome behavior as of late.

Mary skidded into the room - weary eyes jumping to every object seen. “El, I’m so sorry.” She sounded panicky, a signal to the rest of the club that she was close to self destruction.

“Mary-” I tried to cut in, using my softest voice, but she wasn't’ having any of it. Instead, she only started bustling around the room more, doing nothing productive, but still working around.

“We’ve definitely lost her, boss.” Jona’s solemn voice cut in, and when I turned to look at him: he was hosting the biggest shit eating grin. “Call her Leo Dicaprio because this girl's sinkin-”

“That’s enough, Jona.” I interrupted, watching as he tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe to pestering grin off his face. He leaned his hand back for Finn to give it an appreciative smack. And once again in my editing career, I wondered if those two possessed any sympathy at all.

Mary continued to bustle around- picking up a letter, cringing, and then repeating with another as she tried to open every single one.

“I should've never suggested this stupid article. I've put the news club in lots of trouble, oh have I ever.” Mary was babbling, hands shaking as she opened letter after letter. I watched hopelessly, letting out little sounds of interruption here and there. Any time she got a little too self degrading. Mary blamed herself for the backlash of the article, though in truth, every member played a part in publishing it. Not that Mary would ever recognize that. The thing was, when Mary went into panic mode, there was no stopping her. She put everything on herself, and tended to cut everyone out. That is, except for Seokjin. He was, seemingly, the only one who could calm her down.

I threw my rubber band ball at the side of Seokjin’s head, causing him to glance at me — looking a little betrayed. I raised an eyebrow back at Seokjin, and mouthed the words ‘go help, dickwit’ at his passive face.

Seokjin gave a secretive smile, and raised his hands in defeat as he moved towards the other girl. I took in the scene, watching as he rested a calming hand on Mary’s  shoulder, before mumbling something softly to her. Probably - ‘follow me’ since the two of them left the room, shortly after.

   Finn gave out a low whistle— and I turned my attention towards the noise, already ready to bully him back into place. “I don’t want to say it but —” He glanced over at Jona, who returned a shrug, to which Finn also shrugged back. The two of them sat shrugging back and forth at each other for a good minute, Jona’s face passive, while Finn looked scandalized.

“Boys, please.” It was no time for me to be cracking up at their strange antics, even though they looked so funny. “Start helping with some of these letters.”

   Finn broke off in a light, breathy chuckle, while Jona remained a passive face- clearly acting still for the jokes. “C’mon, Cobra Commander, it is her fault.” He sounded set in his opinion. “It was her idea in the first place- we all told her it was a bad one.” He cleared his throat. “Which is why she should be the one to deal with these letters.”

   Jona gave an agreeing nod, his face finally normal, if not a little serious.

   I raised an eyebrow at the two boys, more disappointed than anything else. “You’re going to blame her?” Even I could hear the beginnings of venomous anger seeping into my voice, which explained why both of the boys held such defensive poses now. “When you two were the ones urging her to turn it into the drama piece it became?!”

“No one told her to go around attacking random people,” Jona’s own irritated voice shot back at me. “Honestly, it’s no wonder she’s made some enemies, she basically defamed the most popular boy at our university - with no hard truth. Or have you forgotten about this?” He tossed the latest print my way, a paragraph dedicated to one singular person highlighted in bright yellow.

Though one boy stands out from the rest, Jeon Jungkook, member of the Sigma Chi fraternity. Who has made a rather wondrous show of partying ,not only on weekends, but throughout the week as well. Going as far to even skip classes. And seeing as though he is, somewhat, of a celebrity at our school- its no wonder that he’d be the one to start this binge drinking trend...

I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose with one hand. This part Mary had done solely on her own, without even consulting anyone on the team before publishing. A real shocker to us when we found out. She had been rather upset with how Jungkook had acted at the interview, and even more put off by how easily affected she was by his looks. Basically it was an unwarranted vendetta.

   When Finn spoke again, it was in a much more diluted tone, his voice only holding confusion. “So tell me why we should be responsible for her mess.”

   I glanced up and swallowed the insults that wanted to fly out of my mouth. Collecting my things in my arms, I stood up and moved towards the door, trying to think clearly with all the emotions running rampant in my head.

   “Boss-”

   I couldn’t make out who had called after me, didn’t have the energy to find out either. “When you can tell me why you should defend a friend,” I shook my head, unable to comprehend it, “then I’ll come back.” I glanced back at the two of them - expressions open. “I mean, really, you two act like you’ve never made a mistake before.” Without waiting for a response, I opened the door and left for the library.

track: there’s nothing holdin’ me back - shawn mendes

Walking to the library was, in normal circumstances, an enjoyable route where I could spend the time in my thoughts, but now- with the absolute lack of anything to take my mind off the situation: it made me cringe to arrive at the library with absolutely no plan in mind.

   Normally, this was my time to be studying with Namjoon. Or, moreover, getting tutored. Kim Namjoon was a Senior, and head of the Science Club, but he was also my savior. He had tutored me in almost every science course that I struggled in (which was most of them), and for a cheap price too. A true angel sent from god.

   I had canceled our usual session in favor of the “Newspaper Club emergency meeting”, but standing here now, I wished desperately that I could call Namjoon back and beg him to give me the original tutor session. I sighed deeply, moving through the rows of empty desks - lined by bookshelves. The school library was massive; extending three floors, each with study sections. In my first year of university I used to pretend the library belonged to Hogwarts - and that I was in some sort of wizarding school.

   The memories pulled a light smile onto my lips, making me wish to be back in the beginning again. I quickly pulled open my books, not wanting to get distracted by the nostalgia that clung onto my thoughts.

Studying Chemistry even with a tutor was difficult. Studying Chemistry by myself made me want to fling myself into the endless abyss of space. Nothing made sense. Nothing. I stared at the equations, uselessly, cursing the College planners for making this a “core” subject. When was I ever going to need to balance an equation while filming movies? My head hurt, and the endless sets of letters and numbers that stood before me didn’t help.

“Ugh,” I dropped my head uselessly onto the desk in front of me, feeling like death would be a more welcome addition to this day. There were four beats, four beats, of holy silence. Right until the chair beside mine squeaked against the floor; indicating that someone had occupied the place next to me. Right next to me. Out of all the empty chairs in the room, this one. How tragic.

I probably could've lifted my head, probably should've, but no part of me wanted to show my face to anyone. So I hoped, that whoever was next to me, wasn't offended by my lack of acknowledgement.

   “Having a rough go of it?” A familiar drawl came from the ‘intruder of personal space.’

I almost wanted to groan at how obvious my life seemed to playing out. I lifted my head slightly, resting my chin on my arm, to look at Jungkook. He seemed to be mirroring my position - head resting against his bent arm, his hair fluffy, looking masterfully disheveled. Somehow, he always managed to look like the personified version of a god. I wanted to smack him for it.

“So is that what you do? Trash someone in an article and then nap off the bad feelings?” He held a smile, looking like the concept was hilarious— but his words made me cringe, and Jungkook took definite noticed of my distaste.

“Jungkook—” I tried to start but when I returned my sight back to him, he was fixing me with such a concentrated look that I immediately felt uncomfortable. I sat up abruptly, and somehow he took this as an invitation to invade my personal space. Because, moments later, he leaned in- ridiculously close to me.

Basically stretched across my lap, with elbows resting on the desk, Jungkook was peering down at my chemistry book with a look of intense interest. Or at least, I assumed, considering all I had a glimpse of was the back of his head.

“All your equations are unbalanced.” He commented, voice sounding much more like a professor than the frat boy. “Did you even try to correctly place co-efficients?” I flushed, the feeling of being in a ‘classroom setting’ hitting me like a brick. I couldn't see his face, but I could only imagine what type of incredulity it held. I wanted to burrow further into my sweater. I wanted to retort back, sneer that he probably knew less than I did. But I was far too concerned with the proximity between us to do anything of that sort.

He pulled back— far enough to finally be out of my lap, but still close enough where I could see the light golden flecks that swam in his dark eyes. “Are you studying? Or making John Dalton roll in his grave?” His voice was low even though it held only amusement, for some reason it sent shivers up my arms. It was a mystery to the world how he made bullying attractive.

His eyes still held that full intensity, and it was oddly both intimidating and flattering to have his full attention directed at me. “Eh..” I gave a light shrug, watching Jungkook’s eyes follow the movements like a sniper trained on it’s target. “Why aren't you mad?” The words that chose to came out my mouth were definitely tension breakers, which is what I needed right now. And they definitely threw the boy off.

I took in the switch of emotions on Jungkook’s face— his eyes changing like the seasons in front of me. A look of indignation snapped on his face at last, making me wonder how he could always remain combative. “Trust me, I am thoroughly enraged by the travesty of your Cobalt and Carbon Monoxide-”

I scoffed, slamming my hand lightly on the desk, “The article, Jungkook.”

He tilted his head at me, his face finally dropping the act of “rage” and landing on something along the lines of soft. “Why would I be mad?” he rested his chin on his hand, brown eyes searching mine. “You didn’t write that.”

“Yes but I aided in that.”

His lips quirked into a smile, and my stomach flopped. “Your reaction right now is telling me you wish you hadn’t.”

I swallowed, feeling completely outspoken, stuck wondering why I had even tried.

He started at me for a while, and I back. There was absolutely no way to tell what was going on inside of his head. My thoughts were running wild, yelling at me to say something, say anything. But I felt like any words I could spout out were inadequate. How do you apologize to someone for basically trashing their reputation? “Tell me what do to make up for it.”

Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I saw a flicker of surprise flash across his face, for only a split second. Although, I couldn’t be sure, because right after he was fixing me with an amused grin. “One question?”

I spluttered, thrown off. “What?”

“Let me ask one question?” He was watching me intently, like I was some endangered animal that needed cautious wording.

I nodded, preparing myself for the worst - what kind of monster are you? Was this your plan all along? Who else have you potentially def-

“What’s in your bag?” His real question caught me off guard, and I followed his line of vision to where he was staring right at my film bag.

I shuffled a bit, uncomfortable and suddenly embarrassed. “My camera, equipment, and stuff.”

“What do you need that for?”

The genuine curiosity in his voice is what made my shoulders loosen, he didn't seem mocking or berating. Or any sort of teasing. His face held genuine interest, and it made me warm up instantly. “I'm a film major— well, film production major.”

Jungkook’s eyes rounded comically, and he glanced back at me with a sort of amazed wonder. “So you're going to make movies and stuff—”

I let out a little gasp of a laugh, trying not to associate him with my brothers when he seemed to mirroring them exactly. Young, naive. “I want to tell stories. Make people feel something.” I shrugged, looking around the library and realizing that we really seemed to be the only two on this level. “So, yeah.”

Jungkook nodded, seemingly understanding exactly what I was talking about. I had no idea what this was, I hadn’t ever said more than ten words in one setting with the boy, and now here I was sharing my life goals and aspirations as if we were childhood best friends.

I moved my attention back to my books, also realizing that this was the first time Jungkook had ever appeared somewhat serious around me. It was unnerving, and as much as I disliked his ever present amusement: I was suddenly wishing for it back. I started packing my books, and I could practically feel Jungkook’s curious gaze boring into the side of my face.

“I actually have a shoot today- filming,” I had no idea why I started giving the explanation, it was just- something about leaving Jungkook staring and confused that made me feel unsettled. “For my spring project.” I glanced outside the window, taking in the grey clouds- heavy indicators that it was going to rain not too long from now.

Jungkook seemed to be on the same page, because when I looked back at him he held a comical smile on his face. “In the mood for ruining your equipment?” The sarcasm was back, and I couldn’t stop my eyebrow from raising at him disinterestedly. My response seemed to tempt him more, because the smile on his lips tilted higher. “Gonna get some good shots of those rain puddles?”

I shoved my books into my book bag, quickly zipping it up and picking up my things in one swift motion. Deciding quickly that it would be better to keep my mouth shut and temper in check. When I glanced back at Jungkook he raised an eyebrow back at me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything. Another apology, or just yell at him for always being a shit head, but the only thing that came out was: “I'll see you around.”

“I'm just messing with you— you know that?” Jungkook's response made me whip around, and the humor that was on his face had dimmed a little bit. It made my stomach drop. I didn't want him to think he couldn't joke around, normally I would've chastised him for it, but at the moment I felt wrong about doing anything that could potentially be considered unpleasant to him.

I threw back my heartiest smile— hoping it seemed real rather than forced. “Have you gone soft on me, Jungkook?”

I didn't wait for the response, just quickly turned away towards the stairs and the exit.

track: believe - mumford and sons

The second I stepped outside a crack of thunder rang in the sky. I gave a small shiver of fright, hoping desperately that I wouldn’t get caught in the storm. I had given Jungkook the quick excuse of a “filming shoot”, when in reality I just wanted to be home when the storm hit. I had a crippling fear of storms- something I’d brought with me from my childhood.

   The walk to the bus stop wasn’t long, only 20 minutes, but it felt like years under the dark, intimidating clouds. I walked quicker, wishing now more than ever to be able to apparate like a wizard from Harry Potter. The second whip of thunder had me frozen in place, and it was just then that the rain started.

   My whole body gave a full shudder under the coldness of the rain, and I willed my legs to pick up the pace again.

   At the third indication of thunder I couldn’t will myself any further. There was a strange sensation in my body: utter and hopeless fear. It was almost as if some invisible rope had tied itself around my legs.

   A sleek, black buick pulled up to the side of the road,and I turned my attention quickly away from the driver, hoping that they would just continue to drive rather than look my way. In the background I could faintly hear the window being rolled down, maybe even a voice calling out to me. But thunder rung dangerously in the air, and my whole body cringed in a way where I was left squatting on the ground- bookbag forgotten, and arms wrapped around myself in a form of protection. The rain pounded down harder.

   I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut- convince myself this was a bad dream, but before I could - a hand reached down into my line of sight, offering to help me up. I lifted my head, before me stood Jungkook, soaking wet, with my bags slung over his shoulder and his hand extended towards me. “C’mon,” He said lightly, but there was no rush to his voice, no indication of anything even remotely close to amusement. He seemed patient- dark eyes watching me with more understanding than I’ve ever seen - or maybe I was just imagining it.

I grabbed his hand, letting him pull me up easily, basically against his body. He placed a hand gently on my waist, probably balancing me, or maybe for the physical support. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was the physical contact gave a much needed sense of relief. Desperately, I fought the urge to lean heavily against him. “...but the door’s unlocked, you can get in.”  

Whatever he had begun with was lost due to the pelting rain and obnoxious booming in the sky, but I got enough of it to move hesitantly towards the car. I was unsteady, and every time another boom of thunder sounded: I cringed. As I moved towards the car, I thought humorlessly about how at another time I’d be running over just what kind of life Jeon Jungkook lived to be driving a black buick. But at the moment, the relief from the rain, and little sound barrier from the thunder was enough to leave me thanking whatever gods for him to have crossed my path.

The second Jungkook was settled in he turned the radio on- loud. Any evidence of the storm was interrupted by the music playing through the speakers. I looked over at him, a wave of gratitude surging through my body. He stepped on the gas, hair dripping, clothes stuck to his body. I didn’t ask where he was going, didn’t care. I could only stare.

We drove for a while, going nowhere in particular, I assumed.I watched out the window, not recognizing the scenery of wherever we were. And once again, I was surprised to find how little I cared. Neither of us spoke, but the silence was filled with the music that continued to play through the radio.

So open up my eyes, tell me I'm alive.

The car slowed to a halt, stuck behind a red light, and I looked back over at Jungkook to find his attention directed at me as well.

This is never gonna go our way, If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind.        I turned down the music a bit, keeping my sight on the radio pad, rather than looking back at Jungkook. “Thank you,” it sounded inadequate to my own ears. There was not enough to say to express my gratitude. I opened my mouth, wanting to say something more, when Jungkook cut in.

   “My sister also.”

His words were simple, but the tone and the shortness of them had me glancing quickly back at him. He wasn’t looking at me anymore, rather at the red light, probably waiting for it to change. I wanted to ask him, touch more on his comment. But even I was bright enough to pick up on what he wasn’t saying. My sister is also afraid of storms. And something about his tone told me he didn’t want to discuss it.

   The light remained red, and when Jungkook glanced back at me I internally cringed at how I must’ve looked -  still staring at him. “Where do you want to be right now?” I knew he was asking if he should drive me home, but I had no desire to be there. I glanced at the clock- 20:13.I thought of my mom, thinking of how worried she probably was. But Jungkook sat in front of me, hair now only beginning to dry, clothes still soaked.

The storm was long over with. There was no reason for me to still be here. Jungkook was still watching me, I shrugged in response. For a moment I was worried that he wouldn’t catch the movement, but his gaze was held against me like he couldn’t look away. I nodded to the light which was now blaring green at us, and Jungkook’s lips tilted up slightly, just a bit.

track: favorite record - fall out boy

“Are you going to drive?” I asked, finding the strength in my voice coming back.

He shook his head a little, and I could practically see the muscles in his cheeks working to hold the smile back. The car kicked into motion, and I couldn’t help my own smile that worked on my own lips.

It was spring, so it was not yet completely dark at this time, but the sun setting in the horizon made for a beautiful viewpoint. We talking about everything, and nothing all at once. The conversation ranging from favorite hamburger condiments to song genres.

“I’m sorry I just can’t see how you can enjoy modern Fall Out Boy when their older stuff is so much better.” Jungkook argued, raising his hands defensively, before quickly returning them to the wheel.

I angled my body towards him- back resting against the car door. “I’m not saying it’s better now, I’m just saying it’s still amazing.” My smile grew at the look on his face.

After a while the conversation got too intense for driving, and he ended up pulling into a Mcdonald's parking lot so he could angle his body towards me, as well, and continue.

I learned more about Jungkook than I ever thought was possible. Not necessarily important things, just little facts about him that made him seem so much personable.

I learned how funny he was, how he could make any topic interesting enough if you just let him babble about it for long enough. I liked listening to him talk about the things he was interested in - like his friends at the frat.

“Do you really think we’re that bad?” He asked after a while of silence between us.

I looked at him, shaking my head once, and then again for good measure. “No, I don’t.” I admitted, watching as a smile crept it’s way back to his face. “But, I’ll have you know I’ve been best friends with Kim Seokjin for as long as I can remember.”

The surprise lit his face up like a christmas tree. “Kim Seokjin?”

I nodded, smiling at the thought of my best friend. He was, no doubt, going to laugh at me for hours after after the news of this night reached him. Jungkook opened his mouth to speak, eyes wide with new information. But before he could my phone exploded with a loud ringing from my bag in the back seat. He raised his eyes expectantly, and I sighed, muttering a quick, “Let’s take bets on who that is,” before pushing myself over the seat- trying to grab it. This, of course, was a hilarious idea to Jungkook and he burst out laughing. Instead of yelling at me for dirtying his expensive-ass car. I rolled my eyes and dug around blindly in my bag as the ringer continued to go and Jungkook continued to laugh.

   I cringed once I picked it up and was met with the Caller ID of my mom. Nearly 11:00 now, and I hadn't let her know anything of my whereabouts. I quickly hit the green receive option, starting off with a “Hi mom…” Just to let Jungkook know not to pull anything funny. I turned my head to glare at him, another warning for him to stop laughing, and he raised his hands in defense.

“Honey? Oh I’m so relieved to hear your voice, you haven’t been picking up any of my calls. Are you okay, where are you?” My mom spoke quickly through the phone, and I was beyond relieved to hear no anger in her tone.

“Yeah, ma, I’m good. I’m- er,” I glanced at Jungkook to see him watching me expectantly back; “Studying,” His eyebrows shot up, and he mouthed the words ‘oh are we?’ back at me. I shooed him with my hand.

“With who?” My mom’s suspicious voice replied back into my ear and I shifted uncomfortably, really glad that she couldn’t see me. I was a horrible liar, and that was increased by 10,000 when it came to my mom.

“With Mary.” I lied quickly, glancing back at Jungkook to see him typing away on his own phone. I let out a content sigh.

My mom continued speaking for a while, telling me to get home before 12:30, and I agreed lightheartedly. I ended the call with a quick ‘love you too’ before shoving the phone back into my bag. “I was, genuinely, expecting a roasting of a lifetime-” I cut off, looking over at Jungkook who seemed to be paying me no attention.

He continued tapping away on his phone, eyebrows drawn together in concentration.

“Jungkook?”

He looked up suddenly, eyes widened in faux innocence. “Jungkook? Who’s that?” He paused, lips tilting up in his tell-tale sign of mischief. “I thought I was Mary?”  I leaned over to whack on the side of the head, which just lead to an eruption of breathy laughs to arise from him.

“Jungkook.”

He continued to laugh, but waved at me in understanding. “Yeah, yeah. I got it. Type in your address.” He nodded to the GPS in the center console, and I followed his orders, if not a little slowly. He must’ve heard my mom's orders of when I should be back. Honestly, I didn’t want to go home. Spending time with Jungkook had taken all of my thoughts from the mess that was currently my life.

The drive back seemed way shorter than the way there, and when we got onto my street we both agreed that it would probably be better if he didn’t pull into my driveway. Of course after Jungkook, looking scandalized, exclaimed - ‘am I just a dirty little secret?!’

He parked a few houses down, but I wasn’t quick to get out. Jungkook didn’t seem to be in a rush either.

   “I know where you live now,” Jungkook broke the silence with a shit eating grin painted on his lips.

   “Creepy.” Was my immediate response, which sent him into a surprised laugh. There was a moment of silence, where I was staring out at the streetlights and Jungkook as well. “Thank you, for everything tonight.” I looked over at him with a soft smile.

   Jungkook opened his mouth, but quickly closed it after- just giving a nod in response.

   I glanced away, feeling the events of the night actually hit me. “Well, I should probably-”

   He coughed out what sounded like a “yeah.” And it dawned on me that he was probably feeling mountains upon mountains of awkward.

I nodded quickly, and opened the door - stepping out of the car with my bags in hand. Jungkook started the car as I did so, and I waved to the set of headlights behind me. Whether he waved back or not, I couldn’t tell.

[thedramafilesblog-blog]

Appearing before The Dramacourt: Just Between Lovers Eps 11 and 12

***If this is your first time browsing The Drama Files, please read The Rules section first for our reviewing and rating system***

Issues:

Whether Ma Ri’s story is compelling.

Whether Kang Doo’s strength is admirable.

Whether Kang Doo’s condition is more serious than we initially thought.

Whether Kang Doo set the “boyfriend” bar very high.

The Rule(s):

Very much.

Totally.

It seems like it is.

Very, very high.

Analysis:

RedRosette J: So as predicted, this week was an emotional punching bag. Going from extreme sadness in one episode to extreme happiness in the next. Episode 11 was extremely difficult to watch. At least for me it was. I had to pause it several times to take a breath and wipe away tears. Junho was amazing as the heartbroken Kang Doo saying goodbye to Grandma. It felt so real, so raw and the hurt was everywhere. I can’t think of anyone watching this who wouldn’t want to hug and console Kang Doo. Junho was so awesome that you didn’t need subtitles to understand Kang Doo’s pain (I was impatient so I watched it RAW). 5 stars to Junho!

Again, in these episodes the construction drama took a backseat as episode 11 dealt with Grandma’s death and immediate aftermath and showed our beloved characters mourning the death of their friend. Episode 12 switched gears as Kang Doo finally made the choice to be happy and live his life like Grandma wanted with Moon Soo. *insert endless cuteness*

OMG how sad is this?

Nooooo Grandma!!!!

*sobs*

Poor Kang Doo

Even in grief, things have to get done

BOO!

A very Grandma-like wake

All he needs is a hug honestly

Making deals on Grandma’s behalf like…

Throughout episode 11, Kang Doo struggles to reconcile his current way of life with what he wants for his life, all the while mourning Grandma’s death. Moon Soo gives him the space he needs to mourn Grandma, but all the while lingering in his vicinity to let him know that she’s there and that she’s not going anywhere. She’s honestly one of the better written female leads in a kdrama. She knows how he feels about her despite his attempts to push her away and even though it hurts, she knows not to take it seriously. Like when he uses Kang Han Na’s character to upset her, she knows he’s doing it to upset her. Moon Soo, too, intentionally flusters him by getting all up in his face because she knows the effect that she has on him and that he can’t keep pushing her away for much longer. Anyone looking at Kang Doo’s face can tell that he’s literally using all his resolve to stay away from her.

She knows how flustered he’s going to get LOL

Smart girl Moon Soo

Everyone knows he was trying to make her jealous 

This is literally the one time she didn’t look like a total psycho

I also appreciated that Moon Soo’s circumstances at her work reflected a very real problem that women face in the workplace. If there is a situation where there may be a romantic entanglement in the workplace, it inevitably comes back onto the woman. The CEO having a crush on her ended up being more difficult for her because her co-workers started blaming her for getting assignments because she was having a fling with the boss. I love that Moon Soo stood up for her self when the Team Leader was passive-aggressively dropping hints that she seduced the Boss for her benefit. This type of work place harassment is not okay and good on Moon Soo for shutting that down! I just wish that the CEO guy could get his shit together and be a better boss and avoiding putting his employees in situations like this.

Setting things straight

Shutting down passive aggressive co-workers like…

The Director also got a good (and well deserved) kick in the ass when Ma Ri (I had to look up Noona’s name) shut his horrible attitude towards people down. I’m sorry but he needs to learn to respect people. Just because he’s the director of a large corporation doesn’t mean that he gets to stomp around and be mean to everyone. Him being an ass about Grandma was more than Ma Ri could take. Her shutting him down had a much bigger impact on him than Kang Han Na’s character saying the same to him earlier on in the episode. Regardless of who you are, the dead should be respected.

Nah fam….that’s not right

One thing that really resonated with me was when Kang Doo brings Sang Man with him when he goes off to pay the last of his debt. This gesture that means so much. Sang Man is essentially Kang Doo’s best friend and bringing Sang Man along to his most triumphant moment is a celebration (which probably explains the suit) and I totally understand wanting to do it with the person who’s seen you struggle through it all. And for Kang Doo that is definitely Sang Man. In more ways, Sang Man has been a constant in Kang Doo’s life with his unwavering, nonjudgmental friendship and I completely understand Kang Doo being grateful for it. Good and true friends are hard to come by and Kang Doo got really lucky with Sang Man.

#swag

Eating with your bestie is the best thing ever!

Issue 1: Whether Ma Ri’s story is compelling.

RedRosette J: Ma Ri’s (Noona) story is very compelling. Tbh, I didn’t expect them to go this route with her story of how she met Kang Doo, but I like that they did because it raises interesting views about both her and Kang Doo. Domestic abuse is a horrifying reality for some women and the fact that bystanders judge and don’t intervene as it is happening is even more horrifying. The fact that Kang Doo tried to save Ma Ri from this horrible situation is why she has so much respect for him and why they are so close. I also love that Ma Ri is able to laugh about it now because it shows how far she’s come and how strong she’s become. She’s now this powerful woman who essentially controls rich men and is never going to let any man control her again. Her past experiences also explain why she’s so hesitant to date someone now. It provides more context for her previous conversations with Grandma about dating someone. I admire what Ma Ri has managed to build for herself even though the rest of society continues to judge her for it. This drama is excellent at showing us character growth and depth.

Hearing truths like…

This is horrible

Seriously awful

Kang Doo to the rescue!

Bravest boy ever!

Issue 2: Whether Kang Doo’s strength is admirable.

RedRosette J: I think that Kang Doo’s strength and character actually makes him much more impressive than CEO Boss in so many ways. Not only has he survived such a traumatic experience and come out of it (mostly) well, he is also someone who goes out of his way to help and be there for the people he cares about. He gives his everything to the people he cares about. The fact that little Kang Doo intervened to save Ma Ri from her abusive ex-boyfriend speaks volumes about his character which sets him apart from the average person. He stands up for what is right and never lets his “disability” with his leg overcome him. With Grandma he fought to the very end to help her live and with Moon Soo, now, he’s trying to do everything he can to make her happy. That is really admirable. He’s selfless in a way that is so simple and he makes it seem so effortless. This kind of inner strength is really admirable and I think he’s the better man!

This hurt to watch

I was crying right there with him

It gets better Kang Doo…

Time heals all wounds

Finally rescued

When you finally pay off your debts

When the roles are reversed

Issue 3: Whether Kang Doo’s condition is more serious than we initially thought.

RedRosette J: I’m still really hoping that Jae Young discovers that those pills are vitamins and not actually painkillers! We discovered that the other guy had actually been dead for days next to Kang Doo in the building collapse. We don’t know whether he died after having the conversation with Kang Doo or whether Kang Doo imagined the whole thing. What we do know is that it had a profound impact on him to he point where he has hallucinations of this guy in his life now. I’m hoping that Kang Doo realizing that there was nothing he could do to save the guy will help him overcome the guilt that he lives with. Either that or the poor boy needs some real therapy. I really hope that the drama doesn’t go all gloom and doom and do something drastic like give Kang Doo a terminal illness or kill him off (DO NOT DO THAT. DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT!!) but at this point, things aren’t looking so bright on the health front for Kang Doo.

Get her those pills Moon Soo!

Hawwwt!!! ❤

Issue 4: Whether Kang Doo set the “boyfriend” bar very high.

RedRosette J: My favourite, favourite moment of this entire drama is when Kang Doo grabs onto Moon Soo’s hand and tell her that if she doesn’t walk away then, he’s not going to let go of her! *OMG SWOON* Let me just say, Kang Doo in boyfriend mode is the best version of Kang Doo. I LOVE the way he stares at Moon Soo like she’s his whole universe, goes out of his way to do things for her, and tries to be better for her. He took the bar to another level when he literally scaled her building to bring her ice cream when she was sick! It’s official. Nothing short of this is going to count anymore. And that kiss. Smooth boy, real smooth. I love the two of them being cute together and I really really hope we get more of it before the annoying construction drama starts piling on.

RedRosette J Aside: Here’s a montage of these two being cute.

Conclusion: Appeal Allowed.

Rating: 5 = KYAH! ❤ (As much as I cried in episode 11, episode 12 made me feel warm and fuzzy and everything about these episodes were amazing! I have no complaints!)

File No: Just-Between-Lovers-EPS-11-&-12 Appearing before The Dramacourt: Just Between Lovers Eps 11 and 12 ***If this is your first time browsing The Drama Files, please read