#also formatting on here sucks

[esneullert]

so i tried to write something for @miroslavcloset ‘s fictober just for fun

10/07 “The media keeps posting about us.”

wirtziala, background neuller because i had to

It is true that Florian Wirtz and Jamal Musiala give an excellent performance together on the German national team. It is also very true that the two of them have become close friends during the Euros. So, the media doesn’t pass up on the opportunity.

They’re on vacation together, and Flo is posting their selfie on his Instagram stories.

“How do you feel about the fact that lately they’ve been, like, shipping us?” Jamal asks. “Kind of annoying, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know, I mean, it does feel like too much attention. But it’s kinda fun?” Flo answers as he presses send.

“Yeah, I guess it is”, Jamal agrees, and hits like instantly.

Getting over Germany’s loss is relatively easy for them since they realize they still have all the time ahead of them. It isn’t easy, though, to get over the fact they won’t be seeing each other often as the season starts.

They send each other good luck texts before each match of their respective teams; when confronted about watching Bayern matches on his phone in Leverkusen’s locker room, Wirtz comes up with something like I need to study Kompany’s tactics since we’re playing against them soon; in reality, he misses Jamal a lot.

They’re excited to be reunited during the next international break.

When the Bayern part of the squad is back in Munich after the break, they meet up for coffee with their teammates to catch up on things; Jamal is on his phone pretty much the whole time.

“Look, the media is all about us again”, Flo texts him and sends a link.

Somewhere in the background, Kimmich is jokingly complaining about how he’s not used to the fact that ter Stegen isn’t a sweeper keeper and Neuer just laughs; Jamal isn’t really listening. He opens the link and it’s a video of their goal in the latest Nations League match captioned as #wusiala.

“You really miss him, do you?” The question catches him off guard.

He looks up from the screen. “What are you talking about?”

“You and Wirtz, obviously.”

“Oh”, he realizes his teammates noticed. “Well, yeah, I do”, he admits, “that’s what friends do?”

“I know being on rival teams isn’t easy”, Thomas says. “Reminds me of when I was your age, I had a major crush on Schalke’s keeper”, with that, he winks at Neuer.

“No, it’s not like that.” Jamal protests instinctively, but it suddenly hits him that it’s exactly like that. “So what came out of it?”

“He’s Bayern’s keeper now”, Manu states. “I’m not opposed to buying Wirtz though, if that’s one way to solve it.”

“Wait, you guys are…?”

Jamal proceeds to tell Flo what he just found out. “With how they were always attached by the hip on the national team I’m not surprised”, he gets a reply.

Maybe that could be us, he wants to text back, but doesn’t.

Maybe the media isn’t all that wrong about them.

Eventually, and inevitably, the day comes when they have to play against each other. It’s their first time doing so as best friends, and no matter how happy they are to see each other, for the next 90 minutes they have to forget about it - all business, nothing personal.

The match ends in a draw, and as much as each of them wanted to win such an important game, they both feel kind of relieved that neither of them did.

Flo finds Jamal in the locker rooms after the game. “So, a friendly 1:1 then?”

“I guess so. You guys did well though.”

Flo shrugs. “Could’ve done better.”

“Same about us.”

“Our training doesn’t start until Monday. Maybe I can convince the management and stay here in Munich for one more day”, Flo suggests.

“Sounds great”, Jamal lights up. “Drinks tonight, then?”

They hear a camera snap a picture of them talking.

“Goddammit”, Flo sighs. “They’ll be all about the “wirtziala” thing again for the next few days or so.”

“Whatever.” With the side of his eye Jamal catches Thomas giving Manu a kiss on the cheek as they’re exiting the locker rooms. “Maybe we should kiss just to spite the media?”

And so they do, later, when they’re out for drinks after the game, and when Flo stays over at Jamal’s place, and when they’re at the train station saying each other goodbye - only until next time.

[starry-bi-sky]

Stillborn danyal al ghul au incorrect quotes - dpxdc au

Vlad and Danny, fighting for the nth time this month: Danyal, exhausted: hey if i call you dad will you like. Stop. I have a test tomorrow. Vlad, has a parental bone in EVERY part of his body: *immediately stopping* Vlad: What do you mEAN YOU HAVE A TEST. WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAD WITH THAT-- Danny: BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL DR. FENTON AGAIN, VLADIMIR.

-------------

Danny, flopping into bed facefirst: i need sleep or rehab. again Tucker (maybe?? I haven't decided yet who he's friends with): i thought you were clean Danny, into a pillow: not if this keeps up.

-------------

Tucker: favorite superhero go Sam: Wonder Woman Danny: the Flash Tucker: Okay Sam's is obvious but, Danny I would've thought you'd say like, Martian Manhunter or Superman or Starfire. But Flash?? Danny: i had a foster in Central City for a few years and met him, he's a really nice guy. He made me promise to invite him to my high school graduation and is part of the reason I made it to rehab and ended up getting rehomed and picked up by the Fentons. Danny: I have a hoodie with his logo on it in my closet, i saved up to buy it and its the first thing I got with the allowance the Fentons got me

------------

Danny wearing three layers and a scarf in the middle of summer: *shivering* Sam: how are you cold you're literally made of lava Danny, hissing: lava cools at contact with the air and I'm trying to keep my body temperature at a reasonable level, SAM. Tucker, touching Danny: you feel warm to me Danny: to YOU

------------

Danny:...i could eat lava Tucker: Sam: Danny: Tucker: do it. no balls Danny, getting up: bET--

------------

Danny: Dash: The Both Of Them: *under the bleachers to smoke/vape* Danny, smokes: I wont tell if you won't tell Dash, vapes: ....deal

-----------

Danny, breaking into Vlad's lab: YOU FUCKER QUIT-- what the hell is that Vlad, working on his newest invention: Language. ....And it's something I'm working on, go away Danny: what? no, fuck you. You're trying to kill Jack again and this looks interesting. I was gonna come beat you but now I'm curious what the hell this is (Vlad spends a good hour explaining what he's doing before they start arguing and Danny starts a fight)

------

Danny laying on the ground staring the ceiling, feeling like shit: Jazz, popping by his room: ,,,what'cha doing, Danny? Danny: Danny, internally: 'Jazz says i should be more open' Danny: considering the benefits of relapsing Jazz, immediately stepping into the room: oh okay so lets talk.

-----------

Danny, meeting Robin as Phantom for the first time unaware of his identity and his own birthright: Robin: Phantom: Phantom: fuck you Robin, a 12 year old: fUCK YOU

-----------

Vlad: Jack Fenton iced me out of my early adulthood and got you, his foster son, killed by his own invention. He is a danger to society and I personally want him dead. Danny: okay, cool motive still murder. Danny, louder: I DONT NEED YOU TO TAKE REVENGE ON MY BEHALF

-----------

Vlad, grabbing Danny's shoulders: aren't you tired of being nice Danny: Vlad: don't you want to go apeshit Danny, in the american foster system since infancy, was in rehab at 11 years old, has been fucked over metaphorically, emotionally, physically, ten times over: Danny: i feel like we need to have a talk

----------

DP/Regular DPDC Vlad: *gripping by the shoulders* DPDC Vlad: how Stillborn Vlad: what DP/DC Vlad: how are you getting him to like you. Stillborn Vlad:,,, well first off i don't torture him so jot that down Stillborn Vlad: second of all, like is a strong word. Stillborn Vlad: Daniel only likes me on tuesdays and when i show him how to make fireballs

[waddingham]

oH Ted as the 'someone coming every week to cook and stock her fridge with meals'!! your brain does so much good work and I am so thankful we get to reap the benefits <33

yeah!!!!!! and i couldn't think straight until I got rid of it!!! here take this it's killing me!!

×

She begs Phillip to keep her on. She begs him, tries to double his fee even, to keep him from total retirement, but he's steadfast in his decision. 

The thought of hunting down another chef is horrific. But he gives her no choice. 

She blows through them like tissues for three months, suffering over-complicated meals, over-powering flavors, chefs clearly trying to impress as if she wants a Michelin star meal every night. She doesn't – if that was what she wanted she knows exactly where to get it. 

When she's at home she just wants good food, that's easy to reheat and easy to eat. Which is how she ends up finally succumbing to Leslie's repeated insistence that she give his man a chance.

“He comes over once a month,” he tells her, more than once. “Puts together some things we can freeze and just pop in the oven. Simple enough for the boys to do it, so Julie and I can have at least a couple evenings where they can feed themselves.”

He brightens when she gives and asks for his info, and when she gives him a call, she's struck dumb hearing his American accent.

She's running out of options, so she takes a chance on him.

×

She taps her fingers on the counter, waiting for the doorbell, checking her watch when she finally hears it. He's perfectly on time, but she feels like she's already searching for a reason to be disappointed with him.

He has a pleasant smile for her, though, and a friendly demeanor and a firm handshake and a handsome face – none of which she can immediately find fault in as they introduce themselves.

“I'm sure you're busy,” he says as she leads him to the kitchen. “So I appreciate you taking the time to let me peek at the kitchen and ask you a couple questions.”

“Of course,” she says, used to the procedure by now. Most of them have some kind of sheet they have her fill out, usually via email, but she doesn't mind taking a moment to meet the person who's going to be cooking her food.

“Oh, this is nice,” he compliments, looking around the kitchen, as he sets down the backpack hooked on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” she says, gesturing for him to claim a stool. “Though you can probably infer from your presence that it gets little use.”

“That's okay, I'll go easy on it,” he chuckles, pulling a binder from his bag and opening it up on the counter. “First, though, I wanna make sure I know what I'm cooking.”

He doesn't have a questionnaire or the like, it seems. The lined paper in front of him is blank before he scrawls her name at the top.

“How many people am I cooking for, first of all?” he says without looking up.

She licks her lips, her gaze shifting. 

“Just me.” She keeps her tone matter-of-fact. She hopes.

The way he glances up makes her doubt whether she managed it.

“Makin’ it easy on me already,” he says with a soft smile, adding a 1 to the corner of his sheet. “You have any allergies or dietary restrictions?” 

“No,” she says, then adds, “Though, I do have the tendency to drop meat for a while every so often.”

“A part-time vegetarian?”

She cracks half a smile. “Sure.”

“Okay,” he chuckles. “What kinda meals are you after? Breakfast, lunch, dinner?”

“Dinner, mostly, though I won't say no to the occasional breakfast. Mostly out of curiosity.”

She doesn't think any of the chefs she's hired have offered to make breakfasts.

“I make a mean frittata,” he grins. “What do you like, then? What are some of your favorites, so I can get a feel for what you want?”

“When I eat at home, I want quick and easy,” she says. “The less steps for me, the better. I don't want extravagant, elaborate meals. Shepherd's pie, any kind of pasta, soups, salads. Fish, chicken, red meat on occasion, not every week preferably. Anything veg heavy will probably be a hit with me.”

He nods, taking rapid notes in what must be a very familiar format to him. He fires off a few more questions for her, elaborating a bit further on what she likes before switching gears.

“Anything you absolutely don't want?”

“Not especially,” she says. “I don't like to limit a new chef too soon. I'd rather you make me your best and I'll let you know.”

“Uh oh,” he smiles.

He does that a lot.

“Am I on trial?”

She opens her hands up, giving him a small smile and he chuckles.

“I've had six chefs in ten weeks,” she tells him. “So yes, maybe a little bit.”

“Why didn't they fit the bill?” he asks curiously. “So I can avoid a similar fate.”

“I don't think they quite believed me when I told them how simple I wanted things,” she says. “Too many sauces and sides and heat this up separately and put this on this. If I want a five course meal, I know where to get one. When I get home from work, I want to throw something in the oven or dump it on a plate and microwave it, not anything glamorous.”

He looks pleased to hear it – he seems to actually relax slightly, as if he'd been uncertain he could deliver on what she wanted.

“Well, I can guarantee you that going too fancy will not be a problem with me,” he says, writing a few more things down. “I'm used to basic.”

“Good.”

“I've got Tuesday afternoons free, if we're doing every week.”

She nods.

“Between noon and four, if that works for you.”

“I'll be at work, so you'll have free reign,” she says, opening a drawer on the island and pulling a house key from it. “Make yourself at home.”

“Alrighty,” he says, taking it from her. She watches him pull a roll of masking tape and a ring of maybe half a dozen keys from his bag. He rips off a piece of tape and labels it with an RW before adding it to the keyring. 

“If you ever have any requests, that number you have is my cell. Shoot me a text before Tuesday if you want it that week, or you can leave me a note.”

“Okay.”

“And let me know if you think of anything else you want me to know,” he says, starting to pack everything away again. “If you hate olives or can't stand Bleu cheese.”

“I love olives,” she says emphatically. “And there's no kind of cheese I will refuse.”

“Cheese is the best, right?” he remarks. “They're all good. Yellow, white, hard, soft. Even stinky, moldy…still good.”

She snorts a bit, but fully agrees.

“I'm pretty much always stocked with fresh mozzarella to nibble on so feel free to help yourself.”

“Oh, don't tell me that,” he says, shaking his head. “I'll clean you out every week.”

She chuckles as he throws his backpack over his shoulder. 

She sees him out, intrigued now to see what he cooks up for her.

×

When she gets home on Tuesday, there's a delicate cacophony of smells hanging in the air and she remembers for the first time today – after a long, trying weekend – that Ted was meant to come.

And apparently did.

The kitchen is spotless (thank God – chef number two had a tendency to slack on the cleaning up bit) and she eagerly makes her way to the fridge.

Each covered pan has a strip or two of tape on top – 35 minutes @ 175° the small square one requests. Thank God. One singular step.

If it tastes like shit, she's going to cry.

It reveals itself to be a lasagna and she flips the oven on, lets it get hot while she peeks at the rest of what he's made, then pops it in the oven while she goes upstairs and gets comfortable.

She notices the extra pan by the kettle when she comes back down, this one without a lid, left on a trivet. 

Three neat rows of shortbread lie within it, a note flat on the counter in front of it.

A little extra treat – maybe a bribe so I don't end up being Disappointing Chef Number 7 – and a thanks for giving me a shot. I'm told these are a winner with a cup of tea. 

He's signed it with a mustached smiley face that makes her chuckle.

They smell divine. She can't resist prying one up and taking a bite.

“Oh, fuck me,” she mutters to herself, looking at the biscuit with a bit of wonder as it melts on her tongue, perfectly sweet and salty.

Oh, wow. She glances at the oven, then the pan in front of her.

She might have struck gold.

×

Everything is delicious. He's clearly not a professional five star chef, but every bite has her in disbelief.

It's just so good. She was skeptical, but he even nails a shepherd's pie for her, dumping cheese on top without her even requesting it. Nothing is unpleasant or poorly made, nothing has her thinking to text him and tell him she didn't love it. His portions are more than enough for her and she frequently takes what's left to the office with her. She has never taken lunch with her to work. Ever.

His cooking tastes like dining at a friend's house, like family made it, like he loves cooking for people and puts it in every bite.

And the biscuits. She finished the pan before the week was even out, unable to help herself.

She's a little bit devastated when there are none on the following Tuesday. 

She leaves a note the next time she expects him.

Any chance for biscuits again? 

She's ecstatic to find a fresh pan when she gets home.

She's nursing her last three by the weekend, determined to make them last long enough to request more.

×

I hope no notes is a good thing?

She's been meaning to text him, tell him how pleased she is with everything he's made, but it continued to slip her mind.

How am I doing?

No notes is a very good thing, she sends back. Everything has been absolutely delicious.

Oh good :)

I love to hear it

The biscuits have become a problem though

No biscuits next week then?

God no

I'm hooked on them

Don't do that to me

You got it boss

×

She almost laughs at herself when she gets home.

She's turning down dinner dates and good-looking men in favor of a date with the container labeled prosciutto stuffed chicken breast in her fridge that she's been thinking about all day.

He'd probably get a kick out of the fact that his food is so good it's ruining her dating prospects, but that's most definitely not something she'll be telling him.

She gets herself a little bit of this week's salad while she waits on the oven – romaine with candied walnuts, dried cranberries, gorgonzola, sliced green apple with a deliciously sharp vinaigrette. She peruses the fridge in her typical Wednesday fashion – on Tuesday evenings she's made a habit of grabbing the first thing she sees and letting him surprise her – looking for the small container of sauce that the lid of the chicken makes mention of.

She chuckles when she sees it. Some of his notes on things have gotten more elaborate, sometimes teasing, sometimes with a wine pairing suggestion, sometimes just with a little smiley face. The lid for the sauce only says creamy pesto, but there's masking tape wrapped in a spiral over its sides, covered with writing.

I know, I'm gonna get in trouble for making a separate sauce for something but all you gotta do is dump it on when it's done! It's worth the extra step I promise! 

She snickers around her salad, setting it on the counter. 

It's well, well worth the extra step.

×

When she gets home on Tuesday, she's unexpectedly greeted by a strong, delicious smell and noise from the kitchen. She leaves her heels and her coat before turning into the kitchen.

Ted's at the stove, looking almost mortified as he immediately starts apologizing.

“I'm sorry, Rebecca, I'm so behind today, but this is my last one and then I'll clean up and get out of here–” he rambles, but she's taking him in more than listening. Namely, she's taking in his tired bloodshot eyes and his disheveled hair and the way his hands shake as he gestures to the mess of the kitchen. 

“I'm sorry–”

“No, Ted, it's alright,” she insists. “It's not a problem.”

“I'm almost done.”

“Are you okay?” she asks gently.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I just need to finish this…”

She frowns and rounds the island, unconvinced and unsettled – he's almost frantic with energy.

“Come here.” 

He frowns as she pulls him away from the stove.

“No, it'll burn–”

“In which case I'll survive with one less meal,” she says firmly, pushing him to the dining table. “Sit.”

He does – reluctantly – and she gets him a glass of water.

“Take a deep breath. Relax,” she insists before stepping to the stove. The pan there has a sauce in the making, a plate of meatballs next to it, as well as a pot of water getting hot.

“What needs done here?” she asks.

“I can–”

“Stop,” she commands, lifting a brow at him before he can rise. “Sit. Just tell me.”

“The, the cream needs to go in,” he says. “Give it a second, then the other two little bowls there, the Dijon and the Worcestershire and then the spices.”

“Okay,” she says, keeping her voice steady, hoping it'll relax him, show him she's far from upset that he's still here.

She follows his instructions, pouring the measuring cup of cream in and mixing it with the little whisk that's already there. She lets it get hot, then adds the rest, stirring it in.

“What am I making?” she asks with a small smile.

“Swedish meatballs,” he supplies, sounding distracted. “One of my favorites.”

“Swedish, hmm?”

“Well, I can't speak to them being authentic,” he says. “Recipe was my mom's. And she's definitely not Swedish.”

It smells delicious – whatever spices she just added were warm and aromatic and it makes her mouth water.

“What next?”

“Uh, turn the heat down and let it simmer,” he says. “Needs to thicken.” 

She dutifully turns the stove down and then joins him, taking a seat next to him. 

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” he deflects, “I'm fine. Just…didn't sleep so good and then this morning was…I'm fine.”

She doesn't push, seeing how much effort he's putting into forcing a smile and changes course.

“Do you have anywhere else to be today?” she asks.

“No, no, you're my last client on Tuesdays.”

“Then stay,” she insists, gesturing to the stove. “Looks like enough for two.”

“I shouldn't,” he tries, shaking his head. “I should get out of your hair.”

“You're not in my hair,” she asserts. “I would enjoy the company and I'm most certainly not complaining about getting a meal fresh off the stove.”

He looks her over for a moment, presumably looking for any hint of falsehood before he nods a bit haltingly.

She smiles.

“Should, uh, should put the meatballs back in to finish ‘em,” he murmurs. “And get the noodles on.”

“Yes, chef,” she says, giving him a wink when he finally smiles. 

“I'll do it,” he says, and she lets him this time for how much calmer he seems. She occupies herself by offering him a drink and pouring herself a glass of wine. He accepts a couple fingers of a scotch he's apparently had his eye on for the last few weeks and she watches with interest as he takes a sip.

“Oh, that's nice,” he mutters. 

“The only one I buy anymore.”

“You have excellent taste, I have to say,” he remarks. “Thank you.”

She helps him get the rest of the dinner together and is glad to see him relax more and more, until he's smiling easy as they both sit at the island with bowls of noodles and meatballs.

“Well, it smells fantastic,” she says, eagerly stabbing a forkful of noodles and half a meatball.

It's delicious. Creamy and warm and truly everything about it screams comfort food. 

“Oh, Christ,” she mumbles around it. 

“Yeah? That one a winner?” 

She nods emphatically, eyeing him as she chews.

“Nothing you make is bad,” she mumbles, watching him take his own bite.

“That's ‘cause I only make what I know I can make good for you,” he chuckles. 

“Why's that?” she asks. He can take a chance on her – he's built up plenty of faith in him already. One bad meal isn't going to have her canning him.

“Oh, to impress of course,” he says with a crooked smile that she returns. 

“You've already done so,” she says. “I haven't had a single thing I didn't like.”

“I'm very happy to hear it,” he says, sounding very genuine about it.

They eat slowly because conversation comes very easily. Whether it's the drink or the distraction of her company, he's light-years away from the frazzled ball of anxiety she was met with.

“Safe to assume you don't enjoy cooking much, huh?” he asks her as they both scrape their bowls. 

“I don't think I would mind it if I had ever learned,” she muses. “But I've had a cook for most of my life and learning how now just to feed myself seems more trouble than it's worth.”

“You've had a cook most of your life?” 

“My parents kept one when I was a kid, and then when I was married, my ex-husband insisted on a cook,” she says, half rolling her eyes. “Thank you, by the way, for not inundating me with pork pies and sausage rolls and roasts and dousing everything in gravy.”

“I enjoy a good gravy, but, oof, that's heavy eatin’ right there.”

“Too heavy,” she agrees. “Though my tastes were rarely taken into account.”

He hums as he wipes his mouth and she finds understanding in his eyes.

“How long were you married?” he inquires.

“Twelve years,” she says slowly.

“That's a lot of gravy,” he says more seriously than the words might call for. She hears his meaning plain enough.

“Yes. It was.”

“Well,” his tone brightens a bit, “now you got me to make whatever you please.”

“Too right,” she chuckles, sipping her wine. “And it's always spectacular. I don't know how you do it, what you're lacing everything with…”

“Oh, I just make sure I put a little love in everything, that's all,” he grins.

She takes in the sight of him, smiling and content, his creased eyes warm, and she likes this. She's enjoying this. She likes him. 

It's so hard to know though, even as his eyes move over her face, the quiet stretching long, if she likes him or if she's simply missed enjoying a comfortable meal at home without having to do it alone.

Her eyes drop, aware of how intensely she’s looking at him. She's not sure when it happened but they're both turned completely towards each other on their stools, leaning on the counter, and his fingertips are right there at the edge of hers – the mere straightening of her fingers would bring them into contact.

“I appreciate you letting me stay and have some of your dinner,” he says softly.

“You made it,” she offers with a grin.

“You paid for it,” he returns.

“It's not a problem at all,” she says, meaning it wholeheartedly. “It's nice to have some company.”

“I'm gonna be honest with you, Rebecca, you don't seem like a woman who would have any problem finding company.”

Her brows lift alongside the corners of her mouth, a little internally delighted by his boldness.

“I think I'll take that as a compliment,” she grins.

“As it was meant,” he assures.

“In which case…I'll amend to say it's nice to have such comfortable and easy company.”

His cheeks round, his gaze dropping in something akin to bashfulness and she thinks it really might just be him that's growing on her.

“I’m glad you stayed,” she says, her smile slanting crookedly. “Even if I pretty much made you.”

“I didn't wanna impose. You were very kind to give me a second to…calm down.”

She's not sure if it's embarrassment, exactly, or shame that has him toying with his glass instead of looking at her.

“Felt like I was trying to catch up to myself all day,” he admits.

“I know the feeling,” she sympathizes.

He's quiet for a moment before he responds. 

“My ex-wife was supposed to come out with our son in the next couple weeks here, but she called and they pushed it back until the summer.”

His frown is back and his gaze is faraway, but she doesn't speak.

“Been here for almost a year now and they still seem to be getting on just fine without me.” He sounds like he wishes he could say it with detachment, but it comes out rather devastated. 

“They're in the States?” she asks gently, pulling him back to here and now as he shakes himself a bit. 

“Yes.”

“Why don't you go see them?” she tries, though she's very aware she's got the bare minimum of facts.

“‘Cause I'm still stinging from her snapping that she just needs some goddamn space,” he says, giving her a twisted, wry little grin. 

She frowns but he shrugs, lifting his drink to his lips. 

“S’pose it's about time to just get over it,” he mumbles.

“That's not easy to get over,” she says kindly. “Especially from someone you love.”

“No, it's not,” he agrees. “Ain't much love to lose these days, though. You're probably right, should just take matters into my own hands, hop over the pond.”

“Don't go too long,” she says, only half teasing. “I shouldn't be left to feed myself for a prolonged period of time.”

He smiles again and the sight has warm satisfaction melting in her.

“Oh, if I go anywhere I'll set you up, don't you worry,” he assures her.

“Thank goodness.”

It's odd how difficult she finds it when she rises and steps away. A part of her wants her to stay put, keep the space between them minimal, but she writes it off as a result of just how long it's been since she had sex.

“Now, I don't see any biscuits,” she says. “But I suppose I'll give you a pass this week.”

He rises with a soft chuckle, following her with his own dish to the sink. 

“No, no, I'll do it,” he says as he starts to clean up from dinner. “Unless you need your kitchen back.”

She starts gathering dishes – he must clean as he goes, because it's not nearly the mess she'd imagine would come from cooking four whole dinners. 

“Oh, for what? You think I have a chef on the side coming over tonight?”

He turns, expression scandalized, a hand landing on his chest as if he's been shot.

“Tell me you'd never.”

She chuckles, joining him at the sink, hands full.

They clean up together and then she pours them both another drink before she claims a stool, content to watch as he puts together a batch of biscuits. She watches him move comfortably around the kitchen, chatting easily with her, and it's making an impression, one she's blatantly ignoring.

She half expects him to try to leave her once they're in the oven and has her excuses for him to stay at the ready, but he sits again, waiting the half hour they need to bake at the island with her. He asks her about her job, how she came to own the club, and conversation wanders to and fro.

“I'm intrigued to see what you've cooked up for me this week, chef,” she remarks at one point.

“You know I ain't really a professional chef, right?” he chuckles. “I dropped out of culinary school actually.”

“Really? Why?” 

He lifts a shoulder. “I wasn't having fun. I love cooking, I love making food and feeding people, but I didn't wanna do it the way they train you to, you know, cooking in a restaurant or joining the race to be the next big something. I like doing it this way. Getting to know people and cooking what they like. Feels like I'm paying the bills by cooking for friends and that's…” He clicks his tongue with a nod. “That's just perfect for me.”

“Well,” she says, smiling at how clearly he loves what he does. “You're still a chef. Definitely to me at least.”

He rises when the oven chimes, giving her a smile. 

“That's enough for me.”

The biscuits have filled the kitchen with the warm scent of vanilla – the same scent that's usually still barely lingering when she gets home.

He stays long enough to let them cool slightly and cut them and she watches as he arranges them on the trivet by the kettle, just as he always does. He packs his things up then and she sees him out, exchanging smiles and goodbyes.

She's still smiling when she finally goes upstairs to change for the evening and it takes her a while to identify the feeling.

She feels like she just got home from a really, really good date.

×

It wasn't a date, so she doesn't know why she's disappointed when she doesn't hear from him again over the week. She doesn't contact him either, trying to recategorize the evening in her mind. 

She's very pleasantly surprised, in that case, when she comes home the following Tuesday and he's still there. She knows by the smell of something sweet and nutty filling the air before she even gets to the kitchen. 

It's spotless this time. He's not all anxious energy this time either – he smiles when she peeks in, looking rather uncertain about his welcome, but it still makes something deep in her chest ache.

It's rather nice. To come home to a smile from someone.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hello.” She lets her smile ease his uncertainty and her tone ask her questions for her.

“I, uh, wanted to say thank you,” he explains. “For last week, when I was…when I wasn't feeling so great, for being so kind, letting me hang out for a while.”

She starts to wave it off again, but he continues.

“I made a little something special for ya. Something I can't really leave for you to reheat later,” he says, gesturing to the ovens. “If you want a little snack?”

She nods eagerly, kicking her heels off toward the stairs before she joins him.

He pulls a dish from the oven and sets it on the counter. He fiddles with something there, but she doesn't see what until her turns, sliding a round plate to the center of the island between them.

Whatever it is is perfectly golden brown, looks delicious and smells heavenly.

“Honey baked brie,” he informs her. “With some walnuts and some fig jam, tiny bit of rosemary.”

“Oh my god,” she almost moans. “And it's what, wrapped in pastry?”

“Yes, ma'am,” he smiles. “Thought it might be something you like.”

“I can tell you already you're correct,” she says, rounding the island to find them some forks. “I can't wait to taste it.”

“Let me know how you like it.” She frowns, but he's got a small smile when she looks up. “I'll let you…”

“You think I'm going to eat that entire thing myself?” she asks, lifting her brows as she pulls two forks from the drawer.

“Well, I know how much you like cheese,” he chuckles.

“I'll share,” she says, handing him a fork. “With you.”

She doesn't even have the patience to sit down – she slices her fork through the pastry and creamy brie begins to ooze out. She scoops it up with some pastry, catching a nut and a bit of fig and shoves it in her mouth. 

“Careful, it's hot–”

“Fuck me,” she mutters without thought.

It's delicious. Creamy and sweet and savory, the pastry flaky and buttery. It's rich and indulgent but not sickeningly so and she’s in love.

She's bringing another bite to her mouth when she realizes he's just smiling at her, pleased as punch.

“Please eat some,” she begs around her bite. “Because I can not eat all of this and I will if you leave me alone with it.”

“Alright, alright,” he chuckles, cutting off a bite for himself. 

He hums, pleased with his handiwork. “Mm. Not to toot my own horn, but that's good.”

“Mm!” she hums, getting an idea. She steps away to the wine cooler, squatting down to look for one of her less frequent whites. She comes back with a pair of glasses and an off-dry Riesling.

“This was a bit too bright and citrus-y for me, but it might be gorgeous with this.”

“Okay. You’re the sommelier here, not me,” he says as she pours, then slides a glass to him.

“Oh, please, your pairings are always spot on.”

It does go nicely, complimenting every bite.

“God, this is lovely,” she tells him. 

“I'm glad you like it,” he mumbles around his own bite. 

“Did you make the pastry?”

He shakes his head. “No. Normally I would, but I didn't decide on this until I was shopping today and that takes some time.”

“How long did this take?”

She listens with interest as he explains how he made it, amazed at how straightforward it sounds.

“Christ, it sounds like I could make it.”

“Uh oh,” he says, eyes widening. “Am I talking myself out of a job?”

“Oh, hardly. Even if I figured out how to make everything you cook for me, I'd still keep you around,” she admits. “You’re good company.”

“Well, that's nice to know,” he smiles, eyes soft.

“Also, knowing how to definitely doesn't mean I actually have any desire to cook any of it myself,” she chuckles. “So you still have plenty of use.”

She winks with her teasing as his warm laugh has him tucking his chin, his crows feet deepening. 

“I see how it is.”

She can't help but take him in, delighted by how carefree he is today. God help her, she really does like him – she wants to know him better. He's so genuine, so unselfish and generous, and she wants to keep him smiling.

“Thank you,” she says when she finally really can't eat any more, maybe a quarter of the round of brie left on the plate. “That was very kind of you.”

“No, thank you,” he echoes. “It was nice last week, to sit and eat with someone and I needed it.”

She nods get agreement, leaning her hip against the counter.

“I won't, uh, make a habit of just hanging out here, though,” he says, presumably to reassure her.

Her brows tip, eyes on his as she lets out a disappointed, “No?”

His lips part, but he doesn't manage to form a response. It hardly matters – they're communicating plenty in their gazes, trading glances at each other's lips. The moment stretches, and stretches, her breath changing to suit the surplus beats of her heart at the intensity in his warm eyes.

He leans closer, tipping his head, and something jolts through the center of her when he kisses her. She returns the gentle pressure, daring to part her lips to close them against his. Her fingers curl into her hand at her hip with restraint, fighting the urge to sink into his hair or pull him closer.

It's too delicate, this lovely feeling, and draws a tenderness up through her she hasn't been able to find for months.

He eases back slowly and she catches the breath he stole. Her eyes open, finding his still closed and she watches his parted lips begin to tighten as he fights a smile. The sight inspires one of her own, pulling at her cheeks as he opens his eyes, the smile winning and straightening his mustache out.

“I, um…”

She rolls her lips into her mouth, not even trying for words. She has none.

He can't find any either.

She drives forward again, prepared this time with a little extra breath in her lungs, a little more confidence. He kisses her back with a little more something too and she can't restrain her hands anymore from rising to hold his face. She tries to imbue the motion of her lips with plenty of invitation, but it's not until she pulls back and he follows, wavering toward her, that he steadies himself with a hand on her hip. Her attention goes straight to the heat of it through her dress as it slides to a more respectable height on her waist.

“You are very welcome to linger here as much as you like actually,” she exhales.

“Oh, I feel welcome,” he says, voice low.

She grins, pulling him in again. “Do you?”

“I sure do.” 

He barely gets the words out before they're kissing again. She opens to him, tastes the brie and honey and the dry sweetness of the wine and finds it appropriate that he should be so indulgent. His hands finally make their way around her, narrowing the space between them even more. She's not sure when her arms found their way around his neck but they tighten there in response.

He doesn't let her go far when they part again, dropping a kiss on the corner of her mouth, her cheek. Her eyes close with the sensation, the scratch of his mustache and his warm lips. 

“I really like cooking for you,” he murmurs.

The way he says it makes it sound like a deep confession and she feels silly for how fluttery it makes her to hear. She smiles against his lips and discovers this isn't new information to her. It's in every bite.

“I know you do,” she says low in his ear. “I can taste it.”

“Can you?” He sounds surprised and pleased.

“Yes.” She guides him back to her lips. “I can.”

[zinkysworld]

so many disabilities in one image, wowie (/j)

[essektheylyss]

I know I joked about DVDs but in all seriousness, I'm really glad that there's an option for watching VODs that isn't on Twitch and YouTube. It's been mentioned a few times today, but both of the interfaces of these platforms have been increasingly enshittified. I simply do not use YouTube anymore because of how horrid the interface is. I caught up on campaign 2 entirely on YouTube (and sometimes via podcast) in 2019 with no issues, but it is straight up maddening trying to use it now, and I don't know that I would have made it through the campaign if I was trying to catch up today.

I absolutely understand being tired of additional streaming services and I am absolutely in the same boat, but I also don't know how many people really recognize how gutted media distribution has become in the last ten years in the name of convenience. We all kind of realize it, but it's hard to grasp just how extensive it is. We can talk about independent business choices separately, and we should, but when the only platforms on which you have the option to distribute your work are at best frustrating to use and at worst hostile to human life, when monetization services can censor anyone they please with little explanation and have been cracking down on any content they arbitrarily deem inappropriate, when it is not clear that centralized conglomerate social media sites will continue to exist in the next year let alone decade, it is genuinely crucial for independent creators to start building alternative avenues of distribution that they control now.

[transsexual-divinity]

Scans from my 2005 dvd copy of Totally Fucked Up 1993 dir Gregg Araki that came in the mail saturday

[myfairkatiecat]

Okay I’m going to say it, some of y’all treat the KOTLC tag like it’s a tumblr community instead of an organization system that gathers together everything people post and tag as KOTLC

[ragnarokhound]

For the au ask game!

OKAY I wanted specifically to get to the pokemon au from the ask you sent, it's been cooking a bit so it's time to see what comes out of the oven, so... @azol-otl ty for the ask!

Crossover au's are all about the fused worldbuilding for me and speculating on how characters from universe A would fit into universe B heehee hoohoo - and for Batfam especially it's fun to think about the equivalent of their roles as vigilantes! What kind of people have the same level of celebrity, the same sideways seeking of justice?

Naturally this leads you to the gym leaders because a) it's the most fun and b) they are like. Quasi-law enforcement/educators/professional athletes depending on how you try to translate the innate child's perspective on the pokemon universe into something that makes sense as an adult lol ilu pokemon. [insert 'compels me though' gif here]

SO with this in mind, here's 5 fun facts (that are mostly backstory lmao) from a jaytim pokemon au I would write

I'm deeply ill about pokemon so this one goes under the cut lol:

Jason Todd used to be the Champion. He won the role after Dick Grayson quit a year or two before (Dick had been getting older and chafing under the League rules - meaning he'd been chafing under how Bruce ran the League) and was a fierce competitor who didn't believe in going easy on anyone. His Houndoom was a force to be reckoned with, and despite running a mostly Dark-type team, his Honchkrow cleaned up anyone thinking their Fighting-types could sweep. He looked after the League and Gotham with a cocky, self-assured attitude and the win record to back it up. .

Jason disappeared suddenly at the age of 15. Many assumed him dead, after a Rocket (Or whatever Gotham themed gang name we want to go with lol could be Team Joker) bombing in the area he'd last been seen, but he's officially declared missing. Bruce Wayne took back the duties of interim Champion as he once did for Dick Grayson, but he's not quite the mentor he once was. It's obvious he's grieving, and that he doesn't want to mentor any more twelve year olds. Dick signed up to be a Gym Leader shortly after this, returning from his trip about a year early to help out in the chaos following Jason's disappearance. .

Enter Tim Drake. Tim's gym challenge wasn't all that interesting in the circuit at first; he had a rocky start and had to retake a few gym challenges. He wasn't exactly sweeping on his first try every time like Jason had done. He didn't have the meteoric rise that caught the Champion's attention early, didn't get one-on-one mentorship or face-to-face meetings, cautionary advice and congratulations all rolled into one from Bruce Wayne himself - but Tim had patience and grit, and he paid attention. He was gunning for the Championship, and it wasn't just so he could prove himself. Team Rocket/Joker was still out there, and Bruce needed all the help he could get. He was always better for Gotham when he had a Robin. .

Dick had been nicknamed Robin for his all-Flying-type team and especially his Natu-then-Xatu; Jason followed up with his Murkrow-then-Honchkrow; Tim's Rookidee was one among many (Robin-esque pokemon were popularized by Dick and the trend remains through Tim's day) so he wasn't considered a possible Robin successor until it was a Corvisquire and he was about to face Dick Grayson himself, a badge away from Victory Road. By then, Tim and his team were a well-oiled machine (he runs mostly Steel-types lol but also Normal-types for the unexpected adaptability and the 'underestimate my rattata i dare you it's in the top peRCENTAGE--' of it all. FEAR.), and his loss-record had all but frozen while his win-record ticked higher and higher. .

Shit finally goes down about three years after Tim has become Champion and all but bullied Bruce into mentoring him (he basically said 'if you don't watch me, i'll go find Team Rocket/Joker on my own' and triggers all of Bruce's child endangerment traumas simultaneously) and the mysterious Rocket/Joker leader Red Hood shows up, bringing the gang out of the shadows in pursuit of a hidden agenda. Identity shenanigans and "wait is that a Houndoom? But he's only been using Ghost-types, it CAN'T be..." and heel-face turns abound. .

(BONUS FACT: Something something, Jason went into deep cover with Looker or whoever he is, that Interpol guy from X & Y (WAIT. LOOKER MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TALIA AL GHUL IN THIS AU HOHOHO), infiltrating the Rocket/Joker gang and going public as Red Hood is the first step in the last phase of the sting. Cue a million tense Jaytim interactions in which Tim is legitimately trying to take Red Hood down and Jason desperately tries to shake him so that he doesn't do anything that forces Jason to blow his cover. There is at least one 'tugged into a tight space to hide them both from the actual bad guys, "wait, did you just HELP me...?" "Think whatever you want, babybird"' interaction because I am a slut for the first sprinkles of a redemption arc that is rife with UST fufufu)

[fallstreakfeathers]

Human as you are

When you tell him you want to demat his hair, you're met with a scoff

"It'd have to be cut. All of it. Make me uglier than I already am" he snarls

You disagree, and sweetly push, reassure, promise

He rolls his eyes, fights, tries to intimidate

Mumbles a sarcastic "only if you're naked, too"

He hopes it shuts you up. Embarrasses. Deflects your horrible insistence

To his shock, terror, you agree.

You sit behind him, nude in water a little too warm for your liking, muscles undoubtedly to cramp in the small space of a tub not meant for two people, but that's okay

It's claustrophobic, suffocating

But that's okay, too, because he's letting you close to him

Letting himself be vulnerable

An honor even his sister rarely sees, you're aware, even if he's mostly hidden himself from you by the ridiculous amount of soap bubbles that surround your bodies like snowfall

Even if he refuses to let his weary eyes meet yours

Gentle hands soak his gnarled, broken strands with conditioner and detanglers

He flinches under your touch

Your touch, which has never hurt him, would never, could never

But the world has, the world will, the world takes wicked joy in it, and that is enough to justify the tenseness of his shoulders and the bobbing of his throat as he swallows, forcing himself to still

To trust his judgement

To trust you

You pretend not to notice, preserve his pride, devour your own

He swears it burns where your flesh touches his, wonders if you think him as diseased as everyone else does, wonders if you even care

Wonders if Daki allowed you this time away from scrubbing floors to spoil her dear brother

Wonders how you stand the stench, human as you are, of the blood and gore and the decomposing filth that may as well take up as much of his head as his dark locks do

A bladed comb cuts through the worst of it, straightening the rest as much as his hair allows

He watches your reflection in the water, watches your tongue poke through your lips as you concentrate on a particularly stubborn mat, watches you smile as you massage the falling suds into the spots on his shoulders- not to erase but to soothe

You would never hurt him

You work long, and pull so many unsavable chunks from his head he fears you really might cut him bald

You work hard, and resist the urge to playfully squish the inky dots below the corners of his mouth

There's no pain in your work, not enough for an Oni of his strength to notice, but you apologize every time the brush catches his knots anyway 

It's cute

You're cute, he thinks

Eventually, slowly, he allows himself to lean into you

Relaxes in the warmth surrounding him

He tells himself it's only so you don't have to stretch so far to reach him

Wouldn't want you to hurt your weak human arms

Ignores the inner voice that snickers with the knowledge that if he weren't so ugly, prideful, scared, he may have even allowed himself to smile

And when you leave, finally, to let him to wash his lower half without the threat of you, and he's left to sit in cooling water, eyes wide in the confusion that someone dares to care for him in such a way, like he's not disgusting, like he's not a monster, like he's a person, he pretends the tears threatening to fall is just the water left from his hair.

[itsamenickname]

2 Reasons why I love Bowuigi:

1. The fact that Luigi and Bowser are just complete opposites in almost every single way is just fascinating to me. Think about it: On the one hand, you have Luigi, a kind-hearted, gentle, and shy little human who won't hesitate to put others' needs above his own. But on the other hand though, you have Bowser: a short-tempered, intimidating, and arrogant king who takes all the credit for when things go right and blames others for when things go wrong (and those are his good traits). And yet, despite it all, the fact that Luigi can have the ability to bring out Bowser's good traits while Bowser can help Luigi become more confident and outgoing in return is just absolutely heart-warming. ❤️❤️❤️

2. It's fucking funny as hell to see all the possible lengths Mario and Bowser will go through just for the sole purpose of pissing the other one off.

[flayedflesh]

trying to relearn how to draw my fursona and do digital art :)

[missionel]

punch out pokemon au ‼️

so i realized that punch out wii has 13 opponents (not counting donkey kong) that are divided up in such a way that they could all be opponents in a pokemon game! the minor and major circuits are the 8 gym leaders, the world circuit is the elite four, and mr sandman is the champion! it's too perfect! i've at least decided everyone's type specialties, sooo....

gym leaders (minor & major circuits):

- glass joe: flying types

i imagine joe is not as miserable in this au, since the first gym leader's job is literally to lose a lot to young trainers. he's not too skilled at battling, and became a gym leader by accident. his team is made up of two measly kalosian flying types, fletchling and vivillon.

- von kaiser: rock types

i know herr kaiser is typically associated with steel, but steel types are way too cool to be the type of the second gym. sorry. i imagine his students are his gym trainers. his ace is rockruff, and maybe he uses something classic like geodude as well.

- disco kid: electric types

these moves are ELECTRIC! i think this one is self-explanatory. disco kid is pretty good at battling, at least good enough to secure a spot as the 3rd gym leader, but he also doesn't take things too seriously. his team is made up of pokemon that he befriended first and trained for battle later, with his ace being raichu.

- king hippo: ground types

did i give him the ground type just so i could give him hippowdon? ...maybe. there's not much else for me to say about king hippo... he's just chilling. good for him. i was originally gonna give him the poison type, but i'll be giving that type to someone else. ;)

- piston hondo: ghost types

what can i say? he seems like a ghost type guy. obviously he gets a revaroom, because honda and all that. he absolutely feeds his pokemon only the best of snacks.

- bear hugger: normal types

what comes to mind when you hear "bear hugger" and "pokemon"? obviously it's bewear. that is his ace, without a doubt. he also has a greedent and a snorlax, it's way too perfect! and of course, they all like raw fish.

- great tiger: psychic types

yeah i don't think i need to explain this one. the man has a medicham (his ace) and an espeon. this also fits the theme of psychic gym leaders tending to have psychic powers themselves. do you think it's legal to use your own psychic powers to trip up your opponents in a battle? let's not worry about it...

- don flamenco: grass types

it goes without saying that this man has a roserade for his ace, as well as an equally powerful arboliva. maybe carmen is one of his gym trainers, or perhaps she's only there to cheer him on? and do you think he would acquire a shiny roserade for his title defense fight to match his all-black look?

elite four (world circuit):

- aran ryan: bug types

what an absolute bug of a man. starting off the elite four strong with a not-so-strong type, aran ryan chose the generation 7 bug type vikavolt to be his ace. he also has a shedinja, which sports the electric tera type and the air balloom item in his title defense fight. really? (for non-pokemon nerds, this setup makes it nearly unkillable. it's practically cheating!) aran has a questionable background, and seems to have been affiliated with some shady people in the past...

- soda popinski: water types

mister popinski has a love for both water and ice types, and he's in luck because a good few pokemon are both! his ace is one of those, that being walrein. he also has a lapras. he's quite fond of giving his team the soda pop item as opposed to normal healing items during battle.

- bald bull: fire types

red is the color of anger, and also the color of the fire type, so naturally this angry man would gravitate towards fire types, especially the fire type bull that is paldean taurous. he also uses a magmortar. of course bald bull isn't angry ALL the time, and spends his free time relaxing with his pokemon. warm pokemon give warm hugs :]

- super macho man: dragon types

of course everyone's "favorite" show-off uses what's generally regarded as one of the most powerful types. his ace is a kommo-o, a very cool one at that. (i like smm and i like kommo-o. but it works!) he also has an appletun, which was a gift to him from a certain someone... oh my god, this au lets macho man literally release the beast. amazing.

the champion (mr. sandman)

sandman does not use just one type, as is the case with most champions. he has a gengar and a musharna, for obvious reasons. he also has a crabominable and and a hydrapple. he was mysteriously missing after mac defeated the elite four, but i'm sure he'll come back soon. right?

i'm sure nothing bad will happen ;)

feel free to suggest ideas for this au, i still need to flesh out all of the teams so i am welcome to input :3

[wayfinderships]

Hmmm.... Maybe I should make some more s/i dedicated posts..

[theonlyadawong]

a lot of people tend to think leon is constantly very angry with, or at least frustrated by ada, on account of her lies and manipulation, and while i do believe that feeling of his applies to all of their interactions of re2, i believe this frustration is not that present post re2, and it is in fact is because so many players project their own anger, frustration and even hatred of ada onto leon in the later games, as the more time he spends as a government agent, the more he understands ada and the world she comes from.

leons core tenet is that he wants to help people, so what does he do? he becomes a police officer because he believes cops do the most good (a sentiment that shows he is wearing EXTREMELY rose colored glasses lol), and then he heads to Raccoon City, and while in RC he helps everyone he can. and he is SO good natured that the idea that ada could be lying to him is so far from his mind (NOTE: this is NOT a sign of him being the heavily infantilized man fans make him out to be, and more a sign of general ignorance of the world, as frankly, nobody besides annette has any reason to believe ada would be a spy) because the world of mercenaries and espionage are so far removed from what he believes to be his reality. this is a man who fully believed becoming a police officer was the right way to help people. (and yes im aware of his established backstory where a cop saved him when the rest of his family died due to some crime. this still doesnt make being a cop the right thing to do.)

and so ada strings him along for her own personal gain, and at the end leon learns of her deceit. and the biggest betrayal leon experiences is not from ada, its just that the confrontation scene is the 11 o'clock number for leons half of the game, thus making it stick with us longer, as we the player have also been fooled by her. but no, the biggest betrayal happens when the government decides to cover up the horrors of raccoon city and use sherry as collateral to get him to work for them. and, unfortunately, this is only shown for a few minutes in resident evil darkside chronicles and in the epilogue screens of the original resident evil 3 (re 4 remake might add more to this, but that game hasnt come out as of yet, but heres hoping lol), so we dont fully get to see how he reacted to that outside of these moments and a few other passing thoughts in the series.

but!!! leons entire worldview crumbles after the events of 2, and the next time leon and ada meet in 4, he is wise to the world, and he has seen firsthand the atrocities the united states government is willing to commit under the guise of helping people. and people like ada, people who lie and manipulate and work for evil, greedy organizations (well intentioned or not) are now everywhere. theyre a dime a dozen. they are annette. they are luis. they are krauser. they were his recruiter. they are his boss. they are the president. they are the entire government he was so excited to work for.

ada just has the benefit of being his first introduction to these kinds of people

to be clear, im not saying leon is suddenly okay with her half-truths, but i am saying after he is forced to work for the government, he understands her, or at least, understands people like her, so much more so he knows exactly what to expect. just not when to expect it.

[fluffypichu876]

DMC bosses ranked by difficulty

Alright, I have finally finished it. My tierlist ranking the bosses from every DMC game based on their difficulty! (except for DMC2 and the reboot. I haven't played the latter, and DMC2 is not worth replaying xD)

The list is mainly based on my personal experience with each game on DMD (and the difficulties below it). Here it is!

You might have noticed that the DMC5 Dante bossfight is not there. That's because it's been a while since I last played as Vergil, and I don't remember the finer details of that fight. If I had to place him somewhere based on my flimsy memory though, he'd probably be next to his DMC4 fight.

Replaying these worderful games and making this list while I did so was lots of fun! If you'd like to make your own tierlist, feel free to ask me for the link on Tiermaker! (I'll add the link on the post if demand is high) But like I said above, it lacks the DMC2 and DmC bosses, so if needed, you'll have to add these yourself.

I also wrote down my thoughts on each boss down below, alongside some advice for the bossfights! It ended up a bit longer than I expected, though xD

(very long text below!)

My thoughts on each boss, from easiest (low tier) to hardest (top tier):

- Tier 1: Too easy

Mundus 3 (DMC1): He can barely even attack you. Just spam Ifrit and activate DT to finish him quickly.

The Savior (DMC4): You don't need much skill to fight this boss. Use Trickster to easily avoid his punches. If you're impatient like me and would like to end this boring boss as quickly as possible, use Distorted Real Impacts on his chest crytal once it's possible.

Phantom 2 (DMC1): This fight is optional and can be skipped by entering any door in the hallways. But even if you decide to fight him, just parry his fireball attack a few times, which isn't too hard to do once you get the timing.

Dante 1 (DMC4): He's a tutorial boss. Naturally, it's not very difficult. On DMD, he feels more like a little taste of Dante 2, but even so it's a pretty chill battle.

Qliphoth Roots (DMC5): This game's tutorial boss (Urizen doesn't count). As expected, it's a pretty chill fight. There's plenty of room to dodge the roots and they're pretty slow when attacking.

Doppelganger (DMC3): This boss is very easy. Doppelganger only attacks you if you're right beside him, which is rare unless you actively try to be near him (he also has a ranged attack but it's very easy to dodge). Use multi-hit attacks like Prop or Revolver to quickly activate the lamps in the room. Time it right to stun Doppelganger for a little while. If the whole room is lit, the boss will be stunned for a pretty long time, so feel free to bully him :)

- Tier 2: Not that bad

Containment Room (DMC4): One of the worst bossfights ever made. Despite that, it's (thankfully) not that difficult. Well-timed Snatches and Busters will quickly destroy the screen and kill a few Gladius. Keep your eyes open and ears sharp for the Gladius's strikes and for the electricity on the ground.

Griffon (DMC5): The first familiar to be fought in Mission 18. Griffon is not that threatening when he's fighting alone. He can be stunned very easily with either Kalina Ann, and Round Robin, his scariest move (for me at least), is only used immediately after he recovers from a Stalemate. His Double Check can get in the way during Nightmare's bossfight, but relocating out of its way (or staying on ground/jump-cancelling depending on its height) should help avoid it.

Shadow (DMC5): The second familiar you'll fight in M18. The big kitty is generally stronger than Griffon, but just as easy to stun with the Kalina Ann(s). Hedgehog is a very scary move, with plenty of range and lots of damage potential. Like Griffon's RR, however, Shadow will only use it once, immediately after it recovers from a Stalemate, so keep an eye for that. During Nightmare's bossfight, Hedgehog should be your main worry, but pay attention on Shadow's position to not be hit by its longer range attacks.

Sanctus (DMC4): This pathetic easy bossfight somehow manages to get on my skin and annoy me to no end as soon as I take a single hit. This cowardly old man protects himself with a magic shield, and once you break it, he will begin to run away like a scared chicken. And worse yet, if you don't damage him enough, HE WILL JUST CONJURE HIS SHIELD AGAIN. Ugh. The fight gets easier once he activates The Savior, since countering his punch with the Buster will skip the shieldless phase and allow you to beat Sanctus up to your heart's content :)

Gilgamesh (DMC5): This big thing made of demonic metal is an absolute slug to take down, but it's not a very challenging battle. Just pray you don't make too many mistakes or you'll have to fight it aaalll over again :D

Lady (DMC3): Originally, I wanted to rank Lady on Tier 1, but although you can easily cheese her fight with Quicksilver, you might (for some reason) want to fight her without it. Still, I recommend you do it. This fight can get a little annoying.

Sanctus Diabolica (DMC4): The same as his first fight, but EVEN MORE ANNOYING. His final attack with the Sparda becomes an actual threat on higher difficulties, so do your best to get the Buster timing right so you don't have to fight him again.

Gigapede (DMC3): This boss will only give you trouble if you're trying to get an SS mission rank. Other than that, just enter DT to help you tank any projectiles you can't dodge.

Hell Vanguard (DMC3): The Vanguard is a normal enemy, and one of the tougher ones, but when it fights alone it's not much of a threat. Dodging and parrying its scythe is very easy, and its teleport attacks can be easily dodged by either jumping, rolling/dashing, or (if you're brave) by blocking through Royal Guard.

Berial (DMC4): The first real boss in DMC4, and considering the record of previous DMC games, he's a very easy one. His sword swipes are quite predictable, and he doesn't deal that much damage, even on DMD. He's sightly harder to fight as Dante because he may counter attacks the same way he would try to counter Nero's Buster, meaning you have to pay a bit more attention.

Bael (DMC4): The big frog is pretty slow and quite vulnerable to attacks, so taking him down shouldn't be much trouble. The Rusalka can get a little more annoying, since they are faster and more agile, but they are pretty predictable. Breaking the ice in his back for a Buster opportunity is the only troublesome thing in this fight, especially on DMD.

Dagon (DMC4): Basically the same as Bael, with a few small differences.

Echidna (DMC4): Echidna's attacks are highly telegraphed and can be easily avoided once you learn their signals. She is a bit tougher when you fight as Dante, since he lacks the huge damage from the Buster opportunities and can't approach her as quickly without Snatch. Overall, a fun but not very challenging fight.

Nevan (DMC3): Just listen to her voice lines and dodging everything she throws at you becomes very easy. Be careful about two things though: 1 - Once her vulnerability phase ends, she'll try to engulf you in darkness for some decent damage. 2 - Her kissing attack. She'll only use it at the very end of the battle, but if she catches you, (I think) the only way to escape is by activating DT on the spot.

Nelo Angelo 1 (DMC1): Nelo Angelo looks intimidating, but on his first fight, he isn't very threatening. He has few sword combos, is not very aggressive, and only has one (easy to dodge) ranged attack. He can block you but Ifrit's charged attacks easily break his guard.

Artemis (DMC5): This boss was a lot easier than I expected. Her laser attacks are easy to dodge and her other projectiles can be shot rather quickly, allowing you more mobility on the arena (when playing as Nero). The only threating thing in this fight is Artemis's scream attack, which she performs whenever you stay too close to her. It can be a bit difficult to predict, but it's nothing that Gerbera can't dodge.

Vergil 1 (DMC3): Like in DMC1, Vergil's first encounter isn't very difficult. He only uses his slower attacks and can't go into DT. Dodge his swipes and immediately punish them, temporarely locking Vergil into a sort of "stunned" state. The Summoned Swords will likely catch you off-guard when you play on DMD for the first time, but you'll get used to them in no time.

Goliath (DMC5): DMC5's true first boss, and a pretty good one at that! But a first boss is a first boss, and unless you're Phantom or Cerberus, your fight is probably gonna be easy. Like Berial, Goliath's attacks are very telegraphed, as they are meant to teach you how to dodge. His long range attacks add a bit more difficulty, and on DMD this boss can hit pretty hard, so you have to pay close attention to his body language.

Nidhogg (DMC5): Nidhogg is more annoying than he is difficult. Playing as V is kind of a mixed bag: not many players adapt to his playstyle, myself included, and that certainly doesn't help in this battle. Nidhogg's fight consists of beating three (sometimes four) targets at the same time. If you defeat all of the three worms in the back, Nidhogg will fall down completely vulnerable. It's the best way to fight him, but doing this can be a little hard, since the worms revive pretty quickly.

Elder Geryon Knight (DMC5): A very lenient boss that could have been much more difficult. This was probably done on purpose, since playing as V takes time to adapt to. Your main worry when fighting this boss is to keep Griffon and Shadow alive. This can be difficult since they tend to stay next to their target to attack, and the Knight is full of strong area attacks. Summoning Nightmare helps a lot, since it can cause plenty of damage alongside reviving V's pets.

Mundus 1 (DMC1): For some reason, this fight changes the game's genre from hack-n'-slash to space shooter. Always found that weird. But anyways, Mundus 1 is not really difficult when you learn that all of his attacks track you. Knowing this, just fly around in circles and you're mostly safe. The one exception is the laser beam attack, but that can be avoided with Vortex's I-frames.

Urizen 1 (DMC5): The first (obligatory) Urizen fight is all about memorizing his patterns. His magic attacks always follow a very predictable pattern, and once you known enough about them, the boss gets pretty easy. Pro tip: Mid-air Gerbera parries the fireball attacks really well. Just be careful with your timing.

Nightmare 1 (DMC1): This boss is extremely predictable and its attacks are pretty easy to dodge. If you observe its behavior, you will learn how to manipulate the core it exposes for you to attack (extremely helpful to avoid red cores). The only annoying thing here is its sludge-jaw attack that forces you to fight a previous boss.

Nightmare 2 (DMC1): Pretty much the same as the first fight.

Jester 1 (DMC3): This is the only mandatory Jester fight in the game, and it's kinda easy. The spheres only follow three possible patterns, and they are pretty easy to dodge. Blocking them with Royal Guard is a bit trickier, but certainly not impossible. If you want a free opportunity to bully Jester, just shoot Kalina Ann at him about three times while he's taunting and invulnerable to damage. If done correctly, he'll get "tired" and do nothing against you. This is also true for all of his other fights.

- Tier 3: Difficult but manageable

Leviathan's Heart (DMC3): If you know how to crowd control, this fight shouldn't be a problem. The way I fight this boss is: Spam A&R's Aerial Cross on the right lung, using well-timed Enemy Steps and Air Hikes to remain in the air. Once the heart opens, stand in the middle of the arena and use Royal Guard to block at least two of the red lasers. After that, use a DT Explosion, a Release, and a few more melee strikes for great damage. Rinse and repeat until the fight ends.

Cavaliere Angelo (DMC5): Although Mr. Cavaliere takes a lot from Nelo Angelo's and Credo Angelo's bossfights, I feel like he has the easiest battle between them. There are so many options to counter him, completely trivializing some aspects of the fight. His sword swipes aren't that difficult to dodge, and they can be parried very easily with multi-hit attacks like Revolver or Light Blow. Royal Guard can take time to get used to, but if you're good with it, the fight becomes even easier. I dunno, maybe I had less trouble with this guy because of my previous experience with all the Angelos, but difficult fight or not, this boss will always be a hell lot of fun to fight.

Malphas (DMC5): I really don't like fighting this chicken, but thankfully the bossfight is not terribly difficult. The key is to Enemy Step and Jump Cancel like crazy to stay in the air, allowing you to automatically dodge the majority of Malphas' attacks. Keep an eye for a few spells, though, like the aerial spikes one. When the chicken goes crazy, don't follow the game's advice (unless you really know what you're doing) and dodge every attack with precision. Punch Line allows you to hit the bird safely during this phase. Once it gets tired resume the fight like normal.

Phantom 1 (DMC1): Ah yes, Phantom 1, only the first boss and already this far into the list. What makes this boss difficult is the armor protecting him. That, and he is quite aggressive, always attacking you at any opportunity. Supposedly, the best way to fight him is by jumping on his back and attacking the weak, unarmored spot. I've never managed to make it work though, so I just learned how to dodge and parry his attacks (probably the worst way to fight him xD). Pro tip: Using Stinger on Phantom's mouth while he charges the fireball attack will immediately stun him.

Urizen 2 (DMC5): The second obligatory Urizen fight, and a significant step up in difficulty. Urizen's tentacle attacks have huge hitboxes, and they remind me of Arkham's fight a little too much for comfort… You can dodge them just fine with the wise usage of Trickster, but Royal Guard is just as good. He'll also occasionally summon his crystal to protect himself and cast his magic attacks. Thankfully, SDT does more than enough damage to break the crystal in a matter of seconds. Basically, to suceed in this fight, learn how to properly dodge/block his physical attacks and preserve your SDT for the crystal (or use Quadruple S if possible). Pro tip: Whenever Urizen uses his shockwave attack ("What an eyesore."), you can use RG to stay in place. But a better technique is to first Royal Block the shockwave and then spam the Block button, performing a chain of Royal Blocks and charging your DT like crazy. This should work on all of Urizen's fights (I've only done it on M17 though).

King Cerberus (DMC5): King Cerberus is one of the most fun bosses in the game, but he can be rather difficult to beat, especially because of his huge healthpool, which causes your mistakes to add up considerably as the boss takes plenty of punishment before going down. Learn how to avoid all of his attacks and you should be fine. They aren't too bad to dodge with the default dodge or Trickster, but I recommend using Royal Guard for Release's damage potential, so that the fight doesn't drag on for too long.

Urizen 3 (DMC5): The hardest Urizen fight for sure. The first phase isn't too bad: be careful with Urizen's melee attacks (he mostly kicks the ground, so stay in the air to automatically avoid most of his blows) and pay attention to the ocassional magic attack he may use. The second phase spices things up: He begins to use more magic attacks (such as the annoying purple swords) and becomes more aggressive. But the third phase is where things get real: Urizen begins to summon lasers everywhere, restricting your movement on land, and starts to use some nasty melee attacks that destroy your healthbar with little effort. That one spike attack in particular… So basically, to defeat M17 Urizen, try to fight him mid-air, and keep a good eye on his magic attacks. Take the advantage whenever he falls down to his knees and deal as much damage as possible (Real Impact is recommended). Also, Trickster is your best friend.

Nightmare (DMC5): One of the toughest bosses in this game. By itself, Nightmare is a big, powerful opponent, but it's not fighting alone. Griffon and Shadow are also after your blood. Defeating these two won't help much, since they just revive at full health anyway, so keep your focus on Nightmare itself. Don't drop your watch on the other two familiars, however, and try to not activate their Stalemate accidentally, since that could mean an unwanted Round Robin/Hedgehog to your face. Nightmare will occasionally retreat to heal Griffon and Shadow back to full health. Use this short opportunity to deal as much damage as possible (again, Real Impact is recommended). Pro tip: Before even fighting this boss, make sure to destroy the three hidden Qliphoth roots in the level. Why? Nightmare can use the purple magic spots in the arena to heal about half of its health back, and that sure isn't fun. Destroying the roots will destroy these spots. It will also bring three breakable pillars inside the arena. Trick Nightmare into breaking these to free plenty of green orbs, restoring a big ammount of your healthbar.

Phantom 3 (DMC1): Very similar to Phantom 1. He now has more health and can use a new meteor attack when he has about 1/4 of his health left. This fight can drag on for a bit, so if you're impatient like me, just lure Phantom into jumping and breaking the glass below him, triggering a cutscene and instantly ending the fight.

Cerberus (DMC3): Oh boy, another tough first boss rip hell vanguard i guess. Cerberus can be problematic because his attacks are fast, have big hitboxes, and have barely any tell (especially when he's half health and below). To beat him, you have to play safe and constantly pay attention to his body language. Royal Guard helps a lot in dealing with his fastest attacks (for example, the stupid lunge attack). Pro tip: break the ice in one of his paws, then release a full-charge DT explosion. Cerberus will then fall for a while, completely vulnerable to damage.

Nelo Angelo 2 (DMC1): Nelo uses some new tricks in this fight, such as his unparriable Ifrit-like combo. He is also more aggressive. I'm not sure of this, but it seems that only Nelo 2 and 3 can try to counter you during his block stance, so watch out for that. Other than that, not much changes. Also, the arena has two green orbs in it, which makes the fight a little easier.

Griffon 2 (DMC1): If you don't have a good strategy, this boss is going to be a pain. The arena is small and Griffon spends most of his time flying out of range while his lightning attacks try to fry you, and when he does come down, you have little opportunity to safely attack him. The best strategy I found was to first destroy the bird-kite thing he creates with a well-timed Rolling Blaze, and then, once he comes down, use fully charged Meteors to drain his health away (be wary of the lightning, though).

Griffon 1 (DMC1): This fight is optional if you're on New Game+, since you don't need to re-obtain Ifrit to open the exit door. Griffon alternates between two phases: one in which he flies and summons plenty of lightning, and one in which he lands on the ground to fight you face-to-face. The best strategy here is to grenade-roll while he flies to both dodge the lightning and charge your DT. Once he lands, keep spamming full-charged Meteors at a good distance. Repeat the process until he's dead.

Griffon 3 (DMC1): Here, the strategy above still applies, which is good because this fight can't be skipped. Griffon 3 fights a lot like Griffon 1, so if you're used to that fight, this shouldn't be too problematic. Once Griffon has lost about a third of his health, he will fly very high and be immune to all your attacks. You'll have to use the teleporters in the arena to climb up to the upper floor, which is a pain to do because Griffon keeps spamming his lightning attacks and you're unable to see them until it's too late. Once you manage to get there, shoot with the Grenade Gun and Griffon should go straight down. From now on, the fight is a lot easier. Repeat the Meteor spamming until it's over.

Agnus Angelo (DMC4): The only bossfight in this game that is actually easier when you are controlling Dante (at least for me). What makes Agnus such an annoying boss is the fact that he constantly spawns enemies such as Gladius, Basilisks, and Cutlasses (the fish don't stay in the battle though). These being Buster-gimmick enemies, you'd expect Nero to have a easy time, right? Well, that surely wasn't the experience for me. Nero's Buster animations are kind of long, which means, for example, that you could get a hold of a Gladius, get locked in placed for a second or two, and take a dumb hit from another Gladius, from a Basilisk, or from Agnus himself before even throwing the stupid living sword. Dante's Coyote-A, on the other hand, does Buster's job just as well and way more quickly, thanks to its speed, little endlag, and great stagger ability. God. Other than that, Agnus himself isn't much of a threat. He just flies around using very slow attacks.

Arkham (DMC3): Here he is, the worst bossfight in the history of DMC games. I could give an entire essay on why, but I will make this quick. The first phase is not so bad. I recommend jumping to dodge his badly telegraphed attacks. To deal with the Legions (the fish he summons), use Kalina Ann's blast alongside a few jumps to avoid unnecessary damage. For the second phase, keep holding R1 + forward and spam Spiral and Kalina Ann. Doing this will cause Vergil to spam Rapid Slash (his best attack in this fight). Stop shooting when Arkham becomes red and time your jumps to safely avoid the eel-projectile thingies. With enough patience, this bastard will finally go down.

Credo Angelo (DMC4): Credo's fight is visibly inspired by Nelo Angelo's, and that alone makes him a formidable opponent. For most of the bossfight, Credo's combo attacks will be rather easy to avoid, since he is quite polite and will give good enough warning of his next movement. You can also Buster his spear for generous damage (this can be a bit hard to time, though). However, once he reaches about 1/4 of his health, Credo will get quite frustrated, and much more aggressive. His combos are now faster, stronger, and much less predictable. He can also now use Summoned Swords (not as threatning as Vergil's, thankfully). In conclusion, fight him like you would fight Nelo Angelo or Vergil and you should come out on top!

Vergil 2 (DMC3): This is where Vergil spices up his battle style by a lot. He has Beowulf equipped and can now use his Devil Trigger, which greatly increases his damage, defense, and speed. It also slowly heals him for as long as it's active. He's still pretty manageable though. Pay attention and dodge his attacks with precision. Use your own Devil Trigger to try and knock Vergil out of his DT, otherwise, he'll just heal a lot of health back.

Vergil (DMC5): Mr. Vergil is back, and as expected, he is quite the tough boss, one of the hardest ones in this game, for sure. During the main story, you actually fight two different Vergils: the M19 Verge and the M20 one. They're mostly the same, but with a few, significant differences. M19 Vergil fights a lot like he did in DMC3, except in a much slower pace. His attacks are generally slower and easier to punish, and he gives you plenty of breathing room between attacks. Just don't take risks and strike at the correct moment to beat him rather easily. That is, during the first phase at least. Once his health reaches 2/3 or below, he will enter SDT and become much more agile and aggressive. Like in DMC3, DT Vergil has superarmor and high defense, as well as health regeneration, and unlike that game, it will not go away through the player's input, so attacking Vergil during this state is not a very good idea. SDT will only go away once Vergil finishes his flying divebomb attack, which can be interrupted earlier through certain means (Royal Release is my personal favorite). Once Vergil reaches 1/3 of health, he will summon Doppelganger to assist him. The spectral demon dies pretty quickly, though, so focus your attacks on it. Overall, if you're already used with Vergil's previous bossfights, this one shouldn't be too much trouble. Focus on dodging/blocking his attacks and find the best ways to punish them. M20 Vergil is a little different in certain aspects: his "stunned" state lasts very little, but he can now enter a "super stunned" state that allows Nero to shred his healthbar with a Buster. His SDT lasts much longer, but it no longer has superarmor, and he will only heal a small ammount of health the instant he activates SDT. Continue to fight him like you would in M19, just don't forget to Buster him when the opportunity arises! Pro tip: Break-age Buster Arm does insane damage, trust me.

Dante 2 (DMC4): As Nero, at least, this bossfight can vary between mildly challenging and very challenging. This, of course, depending on how you tackle the fight. I, for myself, went for the somewhat cowardly strategy of just abusing Snatch and Buster. It's quite simple really, just wait for Dante to enter endlag and go for a nice Snatch, and quickly Buster before he breaks out of it. This should work for good damage for the majority of times. If you try to be more stylish, though, Dante can get problematic, since he perfectly reads your every move, meaning, if you're not careful, you aren't landing a single hit on him.

Jester 2 (DMC3): This fight won't differ from the first one until Jester has half his health left. Once this happens, he'll summon a huge living ball, making it more difficult to damage the clown. But the biggest problem is that, once the ball is summoned, Jester will become more aggressive and add new elements to his basic sphere attacks, making them much harder to avoid. The best advice I can give is to try to damage him as much as possible before he enters this phase.

Nightmare 3 (DMC1): Once again, Nightmare refuses to change its moveset, but don't commemorate yet. If you weren't careful on the last two fights, its cores might be glowing red, which means it will take a lot less damage from your attacks. You can still beat it like this, but it's going to take a while. Once it reaches a third of its health, Trish will show up. Don't worry though, all she does is use a very slow lightning attack. But what pisses me off about this boss is that once you "kill" it, it doesn't actually die and enters a desperation phase. Here, it's pretty much impossible to attack the core up close without taking huge damage. Air Raid is probably the best way to deal with it.

Geryon (DMC3): Geryon is a big test of patience, and dear god I have none of it. Swordmaster is the best style here, since Real Impact + Tornado deals plenty of damage to the horse. If used right, you can kind of get Geryon stuck in a loop by hitting him just after he recovers from falling down.

- Tier 4: Pretty tough

Damned Chessboard (DMC3): This bossfight is a matter of learning Royal Guard. If you taunt and perfectly block the Damned Queen, and use the Gauge to Release on the King, the fight becomes much easier. But without Royal Guard, this is one of the worst fights in the whole game. Pro tip: use the I-Frames from a jump or a dodge-roll to make blocking the Queen easier and safer.

Beowulf (DMC3): Beowulf has plenty of health, so it kinda becomes an endurance match on DMD. The only reason I put him on Tier 4 instead of 3 is his second "phase" (when he's between 1/3 and 2/3 of his health), in which he just runs around spamming Volcano and lowering down cages. There's barely any opportunity to safely strike him during this. If you can manage to Just Release on Beowulf's eye, he'll take a lot of damage, greatly shortening the fight. Pro tip: don't shoot any guns at him on the third "phase". If you do he's very likely to use the dreaded feather attack.

Jester 3 (DMC3): Pretty much the same as Jester 2, except now he takes even longer to die. You're gonna have to endure that second phase for a little longer now. Getting good RNG helps a lot.

Agni & Rudra (DMC3): For some reason I have a lot of trouble with this boss, mostly because I suck at dealing with two bosses at the same time. But anyways, the best way to fight these guys is through Cerberus, more specifically through Revolver. This attack parries their sword strikes with ease. Once a brother has been parried 4 times, he'll lose the body and take more damage from your attacks (great opportunity to release DT explosion and the Royal Gauge) before he gets back up again. Royal Guard is a great complement in this fight, blocking anything that Revolver can't. Try to balance your strikes to kill both brothers at about the same time, because fighting only one body with both swords gets pretty problematic. Overall, I think most players would put Agni & Rudra on a lower tier, but I died a lot before I got the hang of it so…

Mundus 2 (DMC1): The Prince of Darkness lives up to his reputation as one of the hardest final bosses possibly ever made. Even so, I still wouldn't put him on a higher tier. This guy only gives you trouble until you memorize all of his attack patterns. Once you do that, he's not much of a problem. On lower difficulties, jumping on the flying platforms and slashing him with the Sparda while on DT is the fastest way to kill him. But on DMD, you will probably want to take it safe and attack him from long-range with Round Trip and the Sparda's DT shots. Pro tip: Kill the lava dragon that Mundus occasionally summons to restore a generous amount of your health.

- Tier 5: REALLY hard

Nelo Angelo 3 (DMC1): Most DMC fans seem to agree that Nightmare 3 and Mundus 2 are the hardest bosses this game has to offer, but I disagree. Sure, these two are challenging, but they're extremely predictable, and once you get their pattern, it becomes pretty easy. Nelo Angelo 3 is not like that. This man is very aggressive and will not let you boss around him. He will guard your attacks and constantly try to counter them. His summoned swords can be a nightmare if you don't learn how to dodge/destroy them. You can stagger him, but it doesn't last very long. And finally, the camera just sucks. This was the most troublesome boss in all of DMC1 for me, but even so, I think he's the most well-designed one in the entire game. It's a pretty fun fight!

- Tier 6: May God help you

Vergil 3 (DMC3): The best consolation I can give you is that, once you beat this boss, everything else looks much easier in comparison. Vergil 3 is THE hardest boss in this whole franchise. In fact, I created Tier 6 before starting DMC3 DMD already thinking that he would probably be the only one here. There's a lot happening in this fight, but the biggest reason Vergil 3 is so tough is what I call his desperation phase. Once he has 1/3 of his health left, Vergil will go absolutely insane, and begin to frequently use Super Devil Trigger and Judgement Cut End. The first one is a variation of normal DT, in which Vergil either spams Helm Breaker or uses his Yamato-Helm Breaker-Stinger combo. On DMD he is guaranteed to mix in Summoned Swords. Unlike normal DT, Vergil cannot be knocked out of Super DT. You'll have to dodge everything he throws at you until he gets tired. Judgement Cut End is a series of normal Judgement Cuts that follow three possible patterns. The problem is, only one of these patterns can be consistently dodged. The others are almost pure RNG. But the absolute cherry on top is that both Super DT and JCE heal Vergil, meaning that in the final moments of the fight you have to take every single opportunity you can to damage Vergil, otherwise he just heals everything back (especially if you get the unlucky scenario where he just spams JCE to his heart's content). Oh god. So yeah, Vergil 3 is a great boss, but Jesus Christ they didn't have to make it so damn difficult on the last 1/3 of the fight.

If you read all of this, thanks for listening to my rambling xD.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

does anyone have tips for how to deal with the phenomenon of 'autistic need to sort and hypercategorize things, except that there are multiple different axes by which to sort them and you can't use them all at the same time, and the result is overwhelm and distress?'

i've learned that tagging systems help, at least, but sometimes they uh. sometimes they can only go so far