#also finals which. sucks
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mind cookie design might or might not be done :)
I'm too tired rn tho to think of a cool way to post it so uh y'all get that tomorrow ok byeee
#azzichats#therea a chance i might so the thing i did w heart and hide him as well but idk im on a bit of a time crunch rn#bc ive got a ton of state testing and stuff#also finals which. sucks#but hey that means not a lot of hw :)#anyways im rambling ill stop now
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I finally watched breaking bad (all within the past week or so while I worked, finished it and watched el camino last night) and I'm confident this isn't a new thought I'm expressing or anything but genuinely how DID an entire generation of dudes convince themselves Walter White was cool and admirable and intended to be sympathetic. I know ppl just lack media literacy sometimes but I'm still so confused
I don't think I've EVER watched a piece of media that so blatantly depicts a guy making the worst possible decisions at every turn and having his life ruined for it and not being redeemed or made sympathetic in any significant or lasting way. the kinds of justifications villains USUALLY give that make people consider them "morally grey" or "tragic" or whatever (everything I did was for my loved ones, I did what I had to to survive, once I was in this I couldn't get out, I just needed you to trust me so I could keep you safe, etc etc) is ALWAYS framed as complete self-serving bullshit when Walt says it, and one of the only shreds of personal growth he ever exhibits in the whole series is when he finally fucking admits that. every time he does something even remotely cool or drops a quotable one-liner, something terrible immediately happens that makes everything worse and makes him look like an unreasonable idiot asshole again. by the end of the series the ONLY characters they can still contrast as being morally "worse" than him are literally a bunch of bloodthirsty neonazis who kept a guy in a cage for several months. this show is practically SCREAMING at you the entire time not to admire Walt. why did every dude I knew in highschool have his face on tshirts and Facebook pfps.
I just don't get it. at least with The Dark Knight's Joker it was like, a feature-length movie and that's it. you spend a lot less time with the Joker and it has a lot less time to delve into his motivations, so there's way more room for flanderization and misinterpretation as people extrapolate the few cool/interesting/sad things they saw into a whole nuanced misunderstood guy in their heads and online. Walter White has 5 seasons' worth of 45min episodes to convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a miserable fucking loser who ruins everything he touches because of greed and selfishness. if you weren't watching it for that, what WERE you getting out of this. what DID you think this show was about. am I just missing some key piece of context from 2012 or whatever that would help me understand this
#buny text#breaking bad#also I'm vaguely aware there was a big movement of fans who blamed everything on his wife and said she was the worst#which like. obvious misogyny from the primary audience of teen boys and young men aside#she's not really worse than any of the other adult characters?? she sucks real bad in the first couple seasons but so does everyone else#half the point of having all these characters be so shitty and rigid and unwilling to grow or accommodate others is so that#they can serve as landmarks to show how rapidly walt is abandoning his morals and spiraling into self-justification as the series goes on#the people you hate in season 1 are largely people you sympathize with in season 4 and 5 because compared to walt they're saints#idk. it's just weird having grown up around the fan culture for this show for the past decade or so and then finally watching it#and just being completely baffled now that i know what they were responding to
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the terror (2018) requires a rewatch not only bc it is so good it will settle in the core of your brain and grow and spread there like a fungus until you die but also bc it is a show about a hundred something bearded victorian white men on a ship in the same clothes and by the time you start figuring out what name is attached to which guy half of them are already dead
#imma keep it real with y'all final episode when ned is like 'we gotta save the captain'#and dundy is like 'no we gotta move on'#i deadass was sitting there like 'whos this guy' bc id never connected the name le vesconte to his face#also when he was getting his toes snipped off i thought he was just some guy. complete blind spot in my brain for him#which is wild bc i would honestly start sucking face if he looked at me for 2 secs. dilf <3#there's simply too much going on every ep to keep a grip on what muttonchops belong to who the first time around fr#the terror
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like half of a frame redraw
#i just wanted a new discord pfp and i love cyn#lighting is not correct but i personally dont care im too tired to do the red lighting#skyns so hard to draw dude i spent like 2 and a half hours trying to get her down#which sucks cause shes such a rad design#blood and gore warning#how do you tag warnings ive never had to do this before#im sO HYPED BUT AT THE SAME TIME LIAM YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME#LIAM PLEASE YOU CANT JUST LEAVE ME ON A SINGLE SEASON I NEED THIS#oh yeah also finale trailer dropped so uhhh spoilers for that i guess idk how i would tag that#art#murder drones#murder drones cyn#murder drones skyn#murder drones flesha#i think those are really funny names honestly
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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A redraw of an old thing because exam season is the only time i get creative energy ig
#but no fr i just came home from 2 consecutive exams. like consecutive as in one after the other in 2 hours#next week is all finals and theyre all like 2 hours 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon like bro#whatevs tho medical update THE MEDS ARE WORKING alhamdulilallah i feel im getting way more energy :)#2 years on immunosuppressants and at least 3 months of corticosteroids which means no salt :( BUT we are getting thru it#im cooking again :')#ok enough my life is not what you're here for. idk if cbeeduo at the end of 2023 *is* but idc#i just rly missed them yk and the vibes and the place i was in plus i have fun drawing them so suck it#i hope my good cbee mutuals enjoy this love yall#my art#dsmp fanart#cranboo#ctubbo#cbeeduo#fashion notes for the cool peeps still reading is i am dying on the hill that cranboo was decked in a 70s aunt wardrobe argue with the wall#also tubbo cowboy cus. like. look at him.#will probably draw tommy next i rly miss him. nothing big as always im a doodle kinda guy at heart#anyway xoxo love yall still here <33#fennec.art
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#so according to my criteria master kohga is a miniboss. he's not part of the final battle and he doesn't drop a heart container#in botw's case he doesn't grant a champion ability#i also don't include dlc in these so this is very much um#which ganon sucks the least#loz#tloz#the legend of zelda#breath of the wild
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Sight of a Star - Blue-ish Star Ryōshū and Don Quixote
#HERES HOW BLUE-ISH STAR BELIEVERS CAN STILL WIN I PROMISE#Rendering sucks but I do like how these look very much. I hate drawing armour. big fan of dramatic shadows however.#but! as for justifications:#B-iS is an abno regarding what one so desperately wants but cannot have - possibly connecting to Blue Star and the paradise-like place-#people wish to reach by throwing themselves into it. though what is offered by B-iS is a much less refined yet as tantalising#given the text of 'The irresistible allure is almost tearing you apart' and the less refined bit being implied by both design#[jagged edges of the actual blue shape and legs like dolls - both unlike BS' much rounder and more naturalistic design]#in short it's the manifestation of impossible dreams - for Don this is her quest for a just knighthood in the City of all places#and for Ryōshū [though idk her source] it is her final work of art - the Hell Screen#when approached one's body is 'pushed away' as if a manifestation of how it is unachievable. at least it is for them#'To be truly blue the one with the true blue must be left alone in one’s blueness.'#is what I interpret as: 'to truly dream the dreamer must be left to one's fantasies'#dreams by nature do not intersect well with reality. all their flaws will be shown and they will crack under the pressure of the real world#it is why the dream pushes them away. to preserve itself. also probably has something to do with how DQ also has void dream#and this abno gives pride boosts in its event. and I personally see pride as a sort of 'self assurance' or 'self above others' so to speak#as to chase ones dreams one must think themselves the exception. as the one that can persevere over the City#plus the HP damage and the various juxtapositions in the 'forward' option may be in reference to how dreams and reality don't mix.#harming those who chase them. though all the same the 'backwards' option shows that simply tossing them aside shall hurt in its own way#to think oneself 'impure' enough to give up on chasing it is all the same resignation on your uniqueness#as for the gift: the name is possibly to do with how lower stars seem easier to reach. and the effect of damage at minus SP....#going insane dream chasing?#but to take ones leave allows for it to be left behind without any further effects. you did not look at your dreams. acknowledge them at al#but are you better off like that? not dreaming? forgetting that brilliantly unfinished star?#but anyways I hope you liked my rambles. also this abno and everything related to Blue Star is so tastefully C flavoured that I love them#and fun fact! when I was first generally mapping sinners to unfightable/EGOless abnos I entirely forgot Ryōshū somehow. which led to this.#they don't have weapons they just kick real hard and it works well enough#limbus company#ryōshū lcb#don quixote lcb#🎠🚬
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CAESAR AUGUSTUS AND MARCUS LICINIUS CRASSUS
this is about the spolia opima that crassus was robbed of lmao. like, yeah okay octavian could've asked him not to claim it, but nevertheless. a kind of theft happened there.
Fact and Fiction: Crassus, Augustus, and the Spolia Opima, Catherine McPherson
#this is one from the vaults I started a few months ago and finally finished. it’s always the furniture details that put things on hold lmao#the former co consuls are fightinggggg (?)#rome is built on top of other people. this is about both the imperialism-slavery machine and the way that all these guys would#politically devour their own generation to sit on a throne. etc. anyway. octavian specifically sits on a throne of other people’s#accomplishments. that’s a specific kind of debt to carry around your neck. or theft depending on who is doing what#this was theft. anything involving Agrippa was a gift so there’s an obligation to succeed which is it’s own kind of currency so to speak#sugghrhfh. every crassus always has to be like this. in my heart i always root for whoever decides to go up against rome#and then i'm stuck with the guy who should've got a spolia opima like. congrats on your win. i guess. i think. RIP.#ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT. while im talking about this crassus. domina fucking sucks. what an absolute clusterfuck of a show#anyway. if anyone ever does augustan age politics again. octavia would be a great character if you want to invent shit#but also more importantly octavian should seduce crassus for this. thank you.#octavian#marcus licinius crassus.....christ how do i write down that he's the grandson of my crassus. i'll figure it out later#roman empire tag#drawing tag
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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interesting tidbits from the trailer and my probably wrong interpretation of them
zavala is shown (?) the traveler leaving the percussor planet here i think.
see a bit later:
comparing to the season of the deep cutscene:
maybe the witness is showing zavala how the traveler left it (playing on zavala's fears, like when he began questioning the traveler for supposedly giving the hive the light back in witch queen)??? not sure
then it seems like he is in the same place where he meets veiled lady:
with cayde saying "you said it spoke to you?" as in the witness, right? the witness showed him the traveler leaving, then showed him... this?
so the million dollar question is: who is this?
idk but
veiled lady holding a shard of glass (???? im not sure what that is) right after the traveler leaves the precursor planet? smells like first knife to me!
no really. kind of.
especially because we get this later:
aka tons of veiled ladies dying/going puff. which makes it seem like veiled lady might be a representation of the precursors? like, they are all melting into smoke bc they united to become the witness. and the witness is asking zavala to join them/it. it also sounds like one of the veiled ladies is the one who whispers "suffering" to zavala, sooooo
i do feel like the first knife bit might be a stretch buuuut back in season of the deep (cutscene) we were told the precursors desired a "winnower to shape the garden". veiled lady with shard of glass might just be indicating that the precursors wanted to influence the traveler, which caused it to nope the fuck out and eventually led to the witness forming itself. idk.
it might be the ffxiv fan in me, but veiled lady representing the precursors sounds reasonable bc the precursors stripped themselves of individuality (literally!), as in, without faces, recognizable characteristics, etc, with the precursor faction (penitent, i think?) that led the idea of "cutting off" unwanted aspects of the precursor race, everyone becoming one aka the witness, with one single objective and motivation, blah blah blah. it is implied (both in the vidoc and in game, imo) that they didn't succeed in cutting off said unwanted aspects, tho (which is one of the reasons veiled lady whispering stuff to zavala sounds so fucking angry i guess). not all of the veiled ladies/precursors who are contained within the witness are happy about it, is the thing
(also the witness seems to be in front of the veil at this point, which imo just makes it more likely that veiled lady = precursors + quite literally the power of the veil, AS IN VEILED PRECURSORS)
but who knows!!! certainly not me
#also. crow and cayde are together a lot in that trailer and it spooks me bc it reeks of crow sacrificing himself for cayde at some point#IDK I HOPE NOT#really hope the pale heart is initially like crow cayde and guardian's road trip tho#destiny 2#the final shape#spoilers#the final shape spoilers#THIS WILL BE THE LONGEST WEEK EVERRRRRRRRRRRR#ren.txt#the shot of the traveler leaving the precursor planet reminds me (ofc) of the traveler 'leaving' the last city#which IS the string the witness is trying to pull in zavala#as in 'see it did it to us too it fucking sucked. are you really going to trust this guy???'
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#finally scheduled with an immunologist after uhhhhhhhh#nearly 9 months of having access to medical care again#the apppointment isn't until may#but this doctor was recommended to my partner when they described my needs#so. maybe they can do something for me.#but that also means I'm just. hanging on until may now.#which sucks.
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Meltdown 🤝 Mandroid
Becoming Not Quite Human through their own experiments and being cool antagonists
#they kicked cylas out for trying to suck up to megatron#transformers#maccadam#don't take this too seriously#tfe mandroid#tfa meltdown#transformers earthspark#transformers animated#also because cylas didn't do that to himself. cylas didn't do any of MECH's science stuff himself. his guys did that for him.#i still think Mandroid's final form is endlessly cool#and Meltdown was literally living acid which makes me ask the questions that i know I'll have no logical answer for#cool#they're all cool
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-Pari Anon
Pari!Reader gets sad when their leaf mask gets torn. Whether they were playing too rough or Wei (the cat in the inn lobby) tore it, they lost their mask. They have those sad anime eyes (the cutely exaggerated ones). They want to fix it, but no one else knew about that leaf mask.
They stay gloomy for the rest of the day until Xiao comes back.
The next day, they see a little replica of Xiao’s mask made from wood. It was sitting near their nest. When they tried it in, it was light but sturdy. Who could have gotten it for them? How was it so detailed? Who could have known? Oh well. Time to play, little Pari thinks.
Xiao didn’t have the heart to just leave them after he heard them crying when the leaf mask was ripped. He might have put a charm on this one so it wouldn’t break as easily.
[ previous post ]
xiao was better than this. the last yaksha, conqueror of demons, the bane of all evil himself.. searching the plains of liyue well into the night for a suitable piece of wood to carve. it wasn’t for an offering, it wouldn’t be turned into an incense bowl or statue, it was neither for a critical repair or somehow enchanted to be a danger. no, this wood would be used for a far more frivolous purpose: you.
you, who he’d been watching from the roof as you played on the balcony below. you with your mock spear and wei with his paws, uselessly batting at each other in a play fight. he thought it was ridiculous, really—your thin wings would surely bleed beneath any monster’s claws, better you learn to run away from danger—but had watched. it was harmless fun. you ducked behind the potted bonsai for protection, racing around the trunk and likely making the poor cat dizzy, when a harsh rip echoed into the night. you stopped, looking behind you as the two halves of your ‘mask’ fluttered to the floor, torn by one of the branches of the tree. his only thought was that you weren’t hurt, watching as wei tackled you off the pot and onto the floor, but you squirmed free quickly, floating over to the remains… sadly? wei followed, sniffing the leaves, but you didn’t seem interested in playing anymore. you sat by the leaves for far too long, not even moving when wei curled up beside you.
it was nothing. it was a leaf tied around your head with another’s stem, bound to rot and flake away anyway, but you were sulking the next day. he never thought he’d return to his makeshift room and have you not fly up to him with a cloud of chirps, and he quickly decided he didn’t like it. if you were sad you lost your mask, then he’d just have to get you a new one.
he kicked at the remains of a campfire, stomping out the remaining embers. an abandoned adventurer’s camp of some sort, the air free of any malicious warnings. besides the remains of the campfire were a few stray logs, likely spare firewood. he dug through the measly pile, pulling out a log. there was no rot, water damage, no sign of bugs or anything else that would ruin the wood. without another thought, he tucked it under his arm, turning and vanishing into the wind.
he had left when you were already asleep, so he could go straight to his room, but he made a stop first. yanxiao hardly jumped when he turned from the stove, though he did eye the log in his hands strangely.
“what can i get you?”
“i need to borrow a knife.”
“…” he laughed, propping his hands on the table in front of him, and xiao grit his teeth. an adepti, reduced to this… “what, did you lose your spear?”
“of course i didn’t,” he snapped, “but i’m not foolish enough to think i can use a spear to carve wood.”
yanxiao nodded in understanding, reaching into his pocket for a small flip knife. it was barely as long as one of his fingers, the handle a dark wood. “this should do, i think.” he threw the knife underhand, and xiao caught it with ease. the blade flicked out easily, sharp to the touch. “remember to cut away from you, yeah?”
his grip tightened on the knife, leaving without thanks.
safely in the shadow of his room, xiao finally relaxed. one by one, he removed his guards and charms, quietly setting them in their respective places. you were curled up in your bed as always, none the wiser as he stepped out onto the balcony. he sat facing the moon, setting his mask on the floor beside him. again drawing the small knife, he braced the wood in his lap and began to carve.
yanxiao was many things, but a fool he was not. he had heard from verr about your mask tearing yesterday, about how you sat quietly on xiao’s terrace for the rest of the day in a pout. you were a strange guest, certainly, but you were xiao’s. he kept very limited company, and those he lingered around felt his affections quietly.
when flowers had blown off their tables prior to the reception of an important guest, a mysterious bundle of qingxin had found it’s way onto the reception desk to replace them. when the eccentric xianyun had stopped by for a ‘surprise lunch,’ a small note in familiar writing on his table told him her tastes. when your small, flimsy mask tore in two… well, he couldn’t wait to find out.
he worked as usual, trading guesses with verr as he helped ferry plates back and forth. would he fetch you new leaves in perpetuity? fetch new ones from your home nation of sumeru? find a new toy to distract you? neither of them had ever met a pari before, didn’t know what you wanted or needed to thrive, but they entertained themselves with nonsense speculation nontheless.
xiao showing up in his kitchen without warning was nothing out of the ordinary. yanxiao had learned to pick out the shift in air pressure that signaled his arrival, wiping off his hands and putting the washed vegetables aside. the flat expression on his face was also routine, but the log he held most certainly wasn’t. handcarved offerings weren’t all too uncommon in liyue, especially from an adeptus, but he had a feeling it wasn’t for rex lapis or another adepti.
the next question, of course, was what he would carve. verr suggests a wooden mimic of the leaf mask and he can’t hide the way that makes him laugh, his smile wider than usual as he greets customers.
that night, if you stood just quietly enough beneath the upper balcony and the wind blew the right way, you would hear the quiet scrape of wood and metal. and the next morning, if you were anywhere near the inn, you would likely see a bright pari weaving through the levels, eager to show off their brand new mask carved by the hero of dihua marsh himself.
#m1d : [chats]#m1d : [secrets]#pari anon#WHATS UP CHATTERS#IVE HAD THIS ASK FOR 323 DAYS#FEELING GOOD (LIE)#either next up or the one after is the promised fatuiposting because. because. b. because-#pari anon pretty please dont hate me 🙏#im working on your other asks as we speak xoxo#i finally went through and logged all the asks in my inbox which ive been meaning to do forever#theres like 30+ of them but we ball we ball we ball we ball#feeling motivated n im going to try not to burn myself out again cause ngl? shit sucks#oh also happy 4/20 to those who celebrate
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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TW: Heavy talk about death
I think the reason why Kai and Cole had such a radical emotional change after March of the Oni was because Lloyd died
We’ve had plenty of characters die in Ninjago, and it always had a horrific affect on the ninja emotionally. Despite all their adventures and godlike powers they’re still older teenagers and young adults- of course when their sibling or lover dies in the fight they’re gonna want to avoid the fight itself
I think it was different for Lloyd tho- Lloyd despite losing the golden power is still the most powerful ninja. He’s not meant to lose, out of all of the ninja he’s the one who’s least likely to die and I think they know that.
So when he died facing down the Oni, even briefly, that would make the ninja doubtful and even afraid of their own mortality-
Kai’s hotheadedness and desire for the fury of battle dies when he see’s his little brother unresponsive on the floor. If he can die, so can Kai
Coles stubborn facade and die hard attitude gets a reality check when the kid who defeated the incarnate of evil lies dead in front of him
It would just be a reality check for them. Both have had to look death in the eyes many times before, but experiencing death is something that they themselves wouldn’t often think about.
Just a theory
#yes I know it was really cause S11 sucked#I just like to connect the dots for shows and make up canon explanations for things that only happened cause of decisions in our world#it’s fun#I also only did cole and jay cause their character changes caused them to be more timid#Jays was about being less selfish which I think is because his selfishness was caused by being scared#so he’d horde what makes him happy and would be terrified if it seemed like it was leaving#sadly he needed to have the yin yang bond with Nya to finally see she wasn’t leaving him#so he didn’t have to worry anymore#ninjago#lego ninjago#ninjago secrets of the forbidden spinjitzu#ninjago kai#ninjago cole#kai smith#cole brookstone
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